#it’s hard to know why these things ebb and flow the way they do

[unavailableapple]

Excuse me for coming to your askbox, I am not a radfem and don't agree with a lot of it's principles, yet I find radfem spaces are the only place where discussion of nonbinary identity has any nuance. Personally I have no problem with people doing whatever they want with their own bodies/minds/labels but I did struggle to wrap my head around just how many people started IDing as nonbinary during the last few years. Now recently it's been a bit of the opposite, with a noticeable amount of previously out and proud nonbinary people dropping the label. I've heard some people discuss it like it was just "in fashion" for a while, while others insist it's a result of gender experimentation or having to go back in the closet due to the political climate. But it's not just the young, I noticed that includes some of the first nb people I knew, who were nonbinary before 2020, hell, before 2015. I know you had a similar experience, so I just wanted to hear your opinion on this whole phenomenon, why it's happening and why now, and if you expect the trend to continue?

So I’ve been thinking about this a lot and honestly the short answer is: I’m not sure.

The long answer:

I think that these things come in waves. Think about BBL surgery (Brazilian butt-lift surgery). When that surgery was really popular, I’m sure it felt like a very real need to the women who got it. Similarly, my nonbinary identity felt very real to me. But once you apply any amount of pressure to either of these, they start to break. Because really what does it mean to be nonbinary? Why do I NEED to express myself as nonbinary? Why does she NEED to have a large posterior? Eventually you realize, it is misogyny. That’s all it is. And then the whole thing falls apart…Aside from that, even if you don’t acknowledge the misogyny, these things are ultimately superficial and, as such, fall away once one reaches a certain point of adulthood.

I don’t mean adulthood as in becoming an adult human I mean adulthood as in a certain level of struggle that makes fanciful discussions of pronouns seem taxing. Eventually real life catches up and you don’t feel like wasting your precious free time thinking about whether you use they, she, he, or meow pronouns. I think the lasting effects of COVID have meant terrible things for the general public and a lot of people are struggling to pay rent or afford food. I know that what first made me stop caring about pronouns was when I was homeless and thought a lot more about finding a safe place to sleep than making sure everyone calls me he/meow/it pronouns.

Then I think there’s the climate of the trans community right now. When I was younger, there was an idea of, “Being trans is equally hard for males AND females”. But now the dominant narrative seems to be that trans identified males have it a thousand times harder being trans and trans identified females face no oppression at all. I do think this drives more trans identified females out of trans spaces and leads them to find more community with other women. This was the case for several of my friends. Once the trans community told them, “You don’t face any oppression” even though they did (by right of being female), they stopped feeling aligned with a nonbinary identity and suddenly realized they felt more aligned with being female, on the basis of shared experiences.

Finally, it could genuinely just be that it’s falling out of fashion. I’m of an era where I, like a lot of young women my age, was the froggy jumper round glasses meow/it pronoun using boyflux aligned aroace nonbinary person and that was in style. Nowadays kids on TikTok make fun of that and it’s much less “in”. Recently Mitski cut her hair short and people started calling her “theyfab”. For the uninitiated, theyfab is a rude term the trans community uses for a female person who identifies as nonbinary, especially if she doesn’t do anything to express this nonbinary identity beyond cutting her hair. They were not trying to “affirm” Mitski, they were making fun of her for being a gender nonconforming woman, and they were making fun of the women who identify as nonbinary. No matter what, it’s always “in” to make fun of women so if a lot of women are identifying as nonbinary, it’s going to be “in” to make fun of them and it is. On pinterest, Nonbinary identities are already being relegated to “2010s nostalgia” the way moustache tattoos on pointer fingers are “2000s nostalgia”, these things come and go.

So yeah, I ultimately don’t know, and these are only a couple among my many many MANY different theories. But based on my own experience and the experiences of people I know, this is what I’ve been thinking.

[tabitha-martin]

Tabitha knew better than anyone that bad things come in threes.

She learned that lesson in the span of a year when she was only eight years old. Her mom died. Her father started drinking. CPS came and she ended up in foster care. There the bad things were strikes and it only took three to be out. She spent the next decade bouncing around from home to home, striking out, until she inevitably aged out of the system. It wasn’t all bad, though.There were pockets of good. Learning to play guitar from her cooler, older foster brother. Night’s in the back of her friend’s pickups looking up at the stars and talking about all the things they’d do when they left their small town lives. Competing and winning pageants that banked her money for her future. Learning to ride horses from a foster sister. Getting so good she managed a scholarship to Cambridge where she really did leave her small town life behind. Starting university was a regression to the means, where good and bad things seemed to ebb and flow cyclically. Life was fluid and fun. Tabitha found her own family, ones she chose and who had chosen her back and promised to keep her. She no longer felt the pressing weight of feeling like the other shoe was going to drop. That all the bad things were ready to avalanche down upon her happiness. Until him. Loving him had been years of bad trios weighing her down. Pressing so hard that by the time she graduated her heart had been shattered into a million, irreparable pieces. It’s been nearly four years since he handed her that last letter, never to be seen again. Until now. Tabitha was on her way to a meeting in the heart of the city she had come to call home. London. Hopping off the tube and walking to her building on autopilot when she felt a familiar prickle at the back of her neck. Eyes on her that burned through to her soul and picked apart every ugly piece of her, never failing to remind her how truly trivial and worthless her life was. How he made her life worth something. How getting and keeping his attention was the only way to quantify her value.

And there he was. Sitting opposite his wife just outside a cafe only three blocks from her office but he wasn’t looking at her. No, he stared at Tabitha just over his wife’s shoulder. She caught his gaze for the briefest of seconds before her heart started to race. She was getting dizzy. Her stomach was in her throat. She turned away as fast as possible without breaking her neck and nearly ran across the street and the rest of the way to work.

What were they doing here? Did they live in London now? Why were they so close to her office? Did he know where she worked? Was this all on purpose or just a crazy coincidence? Tabitha’s mind reeled the entire ride up the lift to her floor, unable to even remember what her presentation was about to be about. All she could think as the lift doors chimed open that if this was the first bad thing that was going to happen to her, the next two were going to be really, really fucking bad.

[pinkopalina]

as a huge batjokes shipper i want batman and joker to hate each other in the sense they dont really hate each other, they just have really different goals and see their own version of potential in the other and right now hate is the best word for their situationship. they both love the other for what they could be but neither of them wants to be what the other one wants, and that's equally as frustrating as it is necessary for them to keep existing in their current roles. they're deadlocked and that fate surrounding each other is kind of the point -- we both have to be like this, the opposite of what the other wants, for us to keep existing at all, and for giving me that gift i both love and hate you. it's an agreement. i think the hate that's there now is born from an intense underlying love.

i think batman "hates" joker for being so amazing and smart and cunning, for being able to create grand gestures and schemes, to pull people together under his charisma and make them all believe in something, for being as extraordinary as he is but batman hates that he uses it to hurt people. he hates that joker can't channel his energy into doing something good for the world, that he hurts himself and others just because he wants to be batman's greatest enemy. i think batman wants to help joker but also hates him at this point for joker exhausting him, constantly getting hurt both emotionally and physically by him, joker never trying to improve his situation, throwing away other people's lives, showing batman he loves him by lashing out and hurting him. batman hates joker because he loves his rogues, he wants to help them, and he knows they can do better. he wants to live in a gotham that doesn't need batman but he still needs to be needed, because when there's no batman, what is bruce going to be? without joker, he will continue being batman, but it's an empty crusade. some of my favorite interactions between harvey and bruce are the ones where harvey thanks bruce for "always being there for me, never giving up on me, my very best friend." even with someone like harvey, bruce can still hold onto that hope for his rogues, never give up on them, keep going for them, even if it puts them through the cycle one more time.

i think joker hates batman in the most toxic way possible, but it's still love. i just think he's selfish and doesn't want batman to think about anyone else but him, the same way he operates for batman, but if he must think about other people then joker will make it as amazing as possible! i think he hates batman for wasting his time on ordinary people, people who are so boring that batman claims he has to protect and serve and love them but joker thinks it's all surface-level. batman won't kill joker but he'll leave room for people dying in his crusade. it's a choice he allows, and even if joker knows that's a morally fucked up way to put someone in a box, he doesn't care. batman is the type of person to train himself mentally and physically for decades and dress up in a half-silly-half-menacing costume so that everyone can have an idea about him. batman himself is not normal, and joker knows that and loves that! why is he wasting his time trying to save people that use him, abuse him, don't want him to be the best he can be? i think joker's motivations for loving batman and lashing out as if he hates him lie somewhere in between extreme admiration -- like i truly believe in your cause and that you're the right person to do it, but i'm so angry at you for wasting your time on other people and i'm so hurt and jealous that you choose them over me, just so you can be a hypocrite and let them die if i want them to anyways -- and anger at his hypocrisy -- like it's easy for joker to dedicate himself to chaos and just being in batman's life by putting batman in situations that force him to be a better and better hero, but how can batman sit there and choose and pick what morals he'll uphold and who gets to live and who gets to die?

i want to be your greatest enemy because you are the greatest hero ever, and the only way you and i can keep being the best at what we do is if we do it together, because of what we both believe in.

[meowshark12]

i know it won't work (rc)(4)

series summary: you're best friends with topper, kelce, and rafe. it has never bothered you to see them with other girls, knowing that they usually only have flings, but, when rafe gets what appears to be a girlfriend, how does this change things?

(not canon)rafe x kook!reader, original characters

chapter 4 summary: day on the boat. another party. jealousy. do our protagonists finally become aware??

warnings: some violence kinda not really graphic tho

1 2 3 4

6.2k words OOPS SORRY

not very proofread toward the bottom. hope you like it though.

chapter 4: the druthers

You step on to the boat, the familiar feeling of the ebb and flow of the waves already lulling you into a false sense of comfort. You're greeted by Rafe with a "Hey," and a small smile and by Amber with a look that you can't exactly decipher. You ignore her, but you don't miss how his eyes dart away from you after his glance lingers for a second too long.

"Hey guys!! Who wants a drink?" Kelce announces as he is the last one to step foot on the boat. He always has known how to break the tension quite well. The awkwardness is forgotten as you all greet Kelce and begin to make yourselves comfortable on the familiar yacht you have embarked. You give Kelce a quick hug and he hands you your favorite drink, already prepared for you.

Your boys were always attentive to you, Stella, and Macey. Always remembering your favorite drinks, knowing the most obscure things about you (your obsession with your favorite animal, Macey's lego collection, and why Stella loved crab rangoons so much), and making sure to be friendly with and respected by your parents. Though none of you had ever pursued any of the others, you knew there had to be small crushes that each person had but chose to bury.

Macey was the most obvious about it, pining after Topper without a care in the world. She would always say it was a joke, but, when he started dating Sarah, she was more than joking with how upset she was. Topper liked the attention and would probably get with her if she made the first move, and only if there would be no consequences.

Everyone loves Stella. She's the most beautiful and down to earth girl. She was the mediator of your friend group, almost impossible not to love her. Stella had never mentioned it, but you could tell that she liked the attention that Kelce gave her. He liked her too (obviously), though he tried to hide the blush that creeped up his neck when she gave him various compliments or when her touch lingered too long.

Rafe was always the toughest to crack. Though he took the most comfort in you, telling you about his family and other things that he didn't even tell the boys, it was always hard to tell what Rafe was thinking.

You had never had a favorite, though you seemed to always gravitate more toward Rafe. Maybe it was something about his looks, his captivating blue eyes and effortless handsomeness drawing you in. Or maybe it was the way he seemed to need you sometimes, not opening up to anyone but you, calling you whenever he just needed someone to talk to. But you felt like you treated all the boys equally.

None of the boys had ever seemed to crush on you.

This is not to say you aren't enchantingly beautiful. The boys are your best friends, but they were first pulled in by your beauty and charming personality. The main reason Rafe and Kelce wanted Topper to bring you (and your friends) along was because they wanted to know why such a gorgeous girl wanted to hang around Topper. But, you had never noticed anyone reacting to you the way they did to others. Although this didn't hurt your feelings. You were glad to have such good friends, and it wasn't like you felt that you were missing something.

Last summer, the Druthers was your group's favorite spot to hangout during the hot summer days where you found yourselves in need of some entertainment. Kelce would always suggest taking a dip in your pool (which you had all done millions of times before), but Rafe had managed to save you from hosting many times by coaxing Kelce onto the Druthers with a beer in hand and the promise of free beer and food all day long.

Since Ward was away for most of last summer, you spent most of your time on that boat, laying out, swimming, drinking, napping, dancing, partying, etc. You name it, it probably happened on that boat.

Your favorite memory of the Druthers was the day it started storming out of nowhere. Nobody had checked the weather, anticipating that the day would be as sunny as it was long. But, the 6 of you were mid-dip in the water when the storm clouds on the horizon began rolling in faster than you had thought possible.

Before you knew it, the sky was black and it was pouring down rain right on you and your friends who were still in the water.

Instead of getting out, you began laughing and floated on your back, letting the rain water cascade over your body to disappear in the water beneath you. Soon after, your other friends joined you, all enjoying the rain, until the thunder struck.

When you heard the thunder, the six of you raced back to the boat (Kelce won) and hurried to get under the cover.

Your bag was the only one left out on the deck and your belongings were already soaked. You decide to enjoy the feeling of the rain, since your dry clothes and towel were already wet and there was no saving them, but Rafe comes over to you after a few minutes and drags you to the covered portion of the yacht.

"What the hell were you doing out there??" he asks bewildered. Water hangs on to his features, tracing lines over the contours of his face.

"Sorry! All my stuff was wet and I wouldn't have a towel, so I figured I would appreciate the rain! We haven't gotten rain all summer." you explain, still dripping wet and clad in your swimsuit, feeling self conscious as those around you are already covered by their towels. You cross your arms around yourself.

"Oh my god, yn. You're something else..." he trails off, laughing slightly and pinching the bridge of his nose before he speaks again. "You know Rose stocks this thing with like a million towels, right?" he pauses, then says, "c'mon, I'll get you one"

You follow behind him down the hallway, the boat rocking and causing your wet feet to slip slightly on the tile floor. Rafe stops in front of a closet, and, sure enough, it was full to the brim with expensive, monogrammed towels. He hands you one.

"Thank you," you say, looking up at him. "I'm sorry... you really didn't have to come get me. I would've been fine and come in eventually." you begin to explain while wrapping the towel around your shaking shoulders.

"It's fine, yn..." he begins, "I just didn't want you to freeze to death, or slip and fall and hit your head... or... I don't know, I was just worried about you and I don't want to be the one in charge if something bad happens to you." he finishes, looking somewhat distraught as he looks back into your eyes.

"Rafe." you say, and he couldn't be more attentive if he tried, "I promise, I would've been fine. I was on my way back in when you came to get me anyway." you lie with a smile. At this, he nods and looks into your eyes, the light reflecting just right to make them hold onto his attention more than ever before. You're basically having a staring contest at this point, for nobody has spoken in almost a minute.

His gaze trails over the rest of your face, and he notices that you're still trembling and your lips are a shade of purple.

"Okay, fine. Just come with me" he finally says, and you follow him down to one of the bedrooms on the boat. The bedroom was clearly his, resembling the one he had at Tanneyhill quite well and the pictures on the wall were a dead giveaway. He goes into a drawer and pulls out a pair of gray sweatpants, a pair of socks, and an old UNC hoodie, one that you haven't seen since the first few times you met Rafe. "Change into this."

"Rafe, it's fine." you protest, but he cuts you off.

"No, yn." he shoves the clothes into your arms. "Your clothes are soaked and I can't have you getting hypothermia on me. Just change and come upstairs." He says, and with that he leaves the room.

After you change, you head back up to where your friends are gathered, still drinking and carrying on. The rain clearly did not affect their high spirits.

"There you are!" says Stella. "Nice outfit. We are trying to get the tv to work but Rafe must be poor or something and his Netflix won't work out here." she explains, making a jab at Rafe.

"Hey, hey, okay give me the remote and I'll get it to work." Rafe comes to his own defense and the rest of you laugh.

You sit down next to Kelce, and Topper comes over to you with a drink in each hand, one for you of course. You quietly thank him before he leaves to sit in a chair, and you begin listening in on the conversation that Stella, Macey, and Kelce are having ('is water wet?' like Kelce starts it bc you were just rained on in water and he's like 'but does that mean the water is now wet' and the girls are like 'ur dumb').

You're sat on the large couch with Kelce, while Stella and Macey share a smaller one. Topper is in a chair across from the girls. Rafe stands in front of you all, trying to fix the tv. As the conversation dies down, the focus is turned to Rafe.

He is clearly not making any progress, as he turns the tv off and puts the remote on the table, announcing "we don't talk enough, lets not watch tv and just talk to each other for once!" and he sits next to you on the couch.

The events of today are already not beginning to mirror your favorite day on the Druthers.

For one thing, there are seven of you. An odd number, always leaving someone out. For another thing, Rafe was totally preoccupied by Amber, leaving the five of you to wonder why you were on his boat in the first place.

The five of you sat on the deck, lounging and each of you with a drink in your hand. Rafe and Amber were inside, doing God only knows what.

You lay sprawled out, your legs over Toppers lap as he sat up beside you. Kelce mirrored Topper on your other side, his sunglasses on and arms on either side of the boat behind him. Stella was engrossed in her book and her vodka cran, and Macey sat next to Topper with her legs out on a table, nursing her beer. The five of you were quiet, enjoying each others company, yet still somehow on edge because of the presence of a plus-one.

Almost an hour passes before one of you speaks.

"Why aren't we swimming?" Topper says after finishing his third beer. Your ears perk up at this, excited at the idea of getting into the water.

"I'm down," Kelce says, to which you all agree. By the time you all are ready to get in the water, Rafe and Amber appear out of thin air, ready to swim right along side you.

Rafe is on your right, Amber to his right, as you are preparing to jump off the boat.

"Going swimming without me?" he teases, but you aren't in the mood for his antics right now.

"Didn't think you'd ever come back outside," you say, and you follow your words with a swift dive under the surface of the cool water beneath you.

The rest of your friends (Topper, Kelce, and your girls) jump in after you, not totally sure what you had responded to Rafe, but excited to swim nonetheless.

You look up to see Rafe and Amber staring at you from the deck, but you begin to float on your back before you can find it in you to care that she's here. The five of you swim around for a few minutes before they coming wading over to you.

"Oh, look who decided to join us," Macey mumbles to nobody in particular. You stifle a laugh, not wanting to draw attention to yourselves.

The seven of you swim for a while with no issues, other than Amber clinging to Rafe like she had never been in water higher than her knees. Stella is the first to go back on to the boat after about 30 minutes, and the rest of you follow.

You are on the deck, drying off, when you hear Amber complain. "Rafey, my shirt is all wet, I can't wear this!!" she cries to Rafe. The nickname is new.

You shoot a look to your friends. "Rafey?" you mouth to Macey. She rolls her eyes.

Rafe looks at you and your friends before he looks back to her.

"Why don't you just wear your bathing suit top for a while? We aren't leaving any time soon," he suggests, knowing that the five of you (just the boys to his face) would make fun of him endlessly for giving a girl his clothes.

"Ugh, no. I'm not doing that. I don't do my 10-step skincare routine just to get sunburnt." she replies, which you had to admit was a somewhat valid point. But, as she holds her shirt in her had, you notice that it is mostly dry.

"Fine," Rafe says, "follow me," and they go upstairs.

When they return, Amber is wearing Rafe's UNC sweatshirt.

--

While on the boat together, the four of you were told by Topper that there would be a boneyard party tonight. You all agreed to have Topper drive there in his Jeep, bringing you five.

So, you and your girls got together at Stella's house after to get ready and pregame (though, to be honest, you were still buzzed from earlier).

Stella let you borrow a top of hers, a pretty, lacey top that was the perfect color on your skin tone and fit you like a glove, while you wore a pair of jean shorts and sandals.

The three of you were buzzing with excitement. Boneyard parties included all sides of the island, including hot pogues and hot tourons. You all needed to branch out sometimes, which was why the boneyard parties (usually only around once or twice a summer) were the best.

It was around 9pm when Macey gets a call from Topper, assuming they are on their way. She picks it up.

"Hey, you on your way?" she asks, though the question was rather rhetorical.

"...about that..." Topper trails, one hand on the wheel, the other holding his phone. Macey puts the call on speaker.

"what the fuck do you mean 'about that' Top? You're on your way, aren't you?" she asks, still thinking he's joking.

"So basically... well, I guess that you could say," he begins again before he is interrupted by another voice.

"Is that yn?" the voice says, "Give me the phone" and before you know it, you were talking to Rafe.

"YN! Hey, so, Top wanted to give me and Amber a ride, so there's no more room in the car with the four of us, so you and Stels and Mace are gonna have to find another way there, kay?" he says in a drunken ramble and you hear Topper protest on the other end. The three of you were seething.

"Rafe. Give the phone back to Topper." Macey says.

"Kay, don't be mad, see you later bye" he finishes, clearly happy with how he delivered the news.

"Topper what the fuck is wrong with you??" Macey nearly yells.

As Topper begins to defend himself, you pull out your phone to start texting other people to give you a ride. Your phone hovers over the name, but you find yourself mad enough at the boys that you quickly type out a message and hit send anyway.

Before you know it, you're sat in the passenger seat of John Townsends Audi convertible on your way to the boneyard. Your girls are behind you in the backseat, and you are nearly there.

"Thanks again for taking us," you say to John with a small smile. He pulls in to the parking lot of the beach. He looks over at you.

"Anytime." He says and looks into your eyes. His gaze lingers over your face.

"Ok ladies let's go!" Macey announces, clearly drunk enough to ruin a moment.

The four of you exit the car, you and John following behind Stella and Macey, close enough to see them, but far enough that you can't hear a word they're saying.

"I hope you know, I kinda missed you." John says as you reach the edge of the beach. He takes your hand.

"Only kinda??" you say, and the two of you laugh lightly. He shakes his head at your joke, and you continue through the silence that settles. "I hope you know that my friends will lose their minds if they see us together," you say, but you let him take your hand anyway.

"I hope you know that I don't really care what they think," he whispers and kisses you on the hand before leading you into the boneyard party.

Stella and Macey are already waiting for you with a beer from the keg in their hands. They pull you out of John's grasp, but it wasn't missed by anyone that the two of you came in together.

John walks over to his friends, who greet him with a pat on the back. You are pulled over to yours. Kelce, Topper, Rafe, and Amber stand together.

"What the fuck." Kelce is the first to speak. You're not as mad at Kelce, so you just give him a small shrug.

"No really, yn, what the fuck?" Topper asks.

"Oh I'm sorry, I thought I was supposed to get another ride?" you say incredulously, pretending you don't know what is wrong with your actions.

"Not with that guy, yn." Topper responds. He looks between Rafe and Kelce. Kelce has a look of betrayal on his face, while Rafe has a look of pure hatred.

"I don't understand, John is like super nice!" Amber comes to your defense.

"You can date him then, Amber." Topper bites back, staring at you.

You let there be a few seconds of silence before speaking again.

"So was I just supposed to not come to the party then?" You ask, wondering what the right option was. Topper rolls his eyes and pulls you aside from the group, who begin to interrogate Stella and Macey about how long 'this' has been rekindled.

"Yn." Topper says.

"What, Top?" you ask, "I really don't understand what's so wrong about him taking us here because you wouldn't! It's not like he was my first choice or anything."

"Yn, you could've had anyone on our side of the island come and pick you up and you chose him, of all people?" he responds.

"Top, you were supposed to pick me up. But you didn't. So I texted him. This is not totally my fault. If you wouldn't have picked up Rafe and Amber instead of us..." he interrupts you.

"Rafe begged us for a ride!! He wanted us to take him and Amber and leave early so we could leave her here." Topper blurts out, leaving you more than confused.

"What?" you begin to ask but are interrupted by Stella.

"Macey just threw up." She says, looking between you and Topper. The two of you point at each other at the same time, as if to say 'not my job!' Topper rolls his eyes and walks over to where Macey is sat on a log, hunched over.

When you arrive, trailing behind Topper, you see Rafe and Kelce on either side of Macey to support her as she stays hunched. Kelce is talking to her, while Rafe tries (and fails) to tie her hair out of her face. Amber is nowhere to be found.

"We've got it from here, boys." Stella says to Rafe and Kelce. You walk around the log on the side Rafe is sat on. He looks up at you and gives you a look that is rather hard to read, when you offer him your hand to help him up. He takes your hand and you help him, but you weren't fully prepared for his weight (and drunkeness) and he fell into you. You stop his momentum with a hand on his chest, still holding his hand in your other one.

"Sorry," he says meekly, your hands still together. You laugh it off and take Rafe's seat, and Stella takes Kelce's. The boys walk away, except Topper.

"Hi, Macey girl" you begin, using the nickname and singsongy voice you only use when she's in need of some support. "You doing ok?" you ask, genuinely concerned because, if Stella came over to you, that meant it was serious.

She mumbles something that you don't quite catch, when Topper says that he will just take her home.

"You don't have to do that, Top," you say, about to offer to drive her when you realize you have no car to transport her in.

"Yeah, Topper, I'm ok." Macey says, and there is a silence that follows. That is, until Macey throws up again right in front of Topper.

"I'm gonna take you home." Topper says finally.

"I'll go with you," Stella offers, "I'll ride in the back with her so she doesn't throw up."

"I might as well go too then, it's gonna be no fun without you guys here." You add.

"No, yn, you should stay with Kelce and Rafe. You're the most sober here, you should keep an eye on them. I'll come and get you guys after I bring Mace and Stella home." Topper says, already getting up with Macey and pulling his keys out of his pocket before you can object.

They walk away and, before you know it, the Jeep is gone down the road. You make your way over to the fire, hoping to find some semblance of your friends. You run into John, who has clearly had more to drink than when he brought you here, since he is stumbling all over you and trying to get you to dance with him. You promise him a dance another time, and set out further on your way.

You finally find Kelce after around 15 minutes of searching. He's at the keg, and you let out a sigh of relief. But you still don't know where Rafe is.

"Hey. They took Macey home, and Topper will be back for us later." you say, looking around for Rafe as you do.

"Okay," Kelce begins, "did Stella go too then?" he asks, his question hinting at a crush that Kelce might have on a certain someone.

You raise an eyebrow at him. "Yes... she went too." you pause, seeing that he has accepted it. You move on, "Where's Rafe?" you say, finally getting to your point.

Now, it's Kelce's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?" he says, voice obviously hinting at something.

"What do you even mean? I just wanted to know where he is, Topper told me to keep an eye on you two because you're apparently super hammered." You say.

"Oh, well, I don't know, it just seems to me like you might have a little crush on Rafe." he says, wiggling his eyebrows.

"What??" you ask, "Kelce you're crazy, Rafe's my best friend, just like you and Topper."

"He might be your best friend, but it's not just like me and Topper, that's for sure." He says finally.

"Oh my god, you really are hammered." you say. "Where was the last place you saw him? Topper will be here to pick us up soon."

"Last I saw he was making out with Amber behind that tree." Kelce says, searching you for a reaction. When he doesn't get one, he continues, "Ok fine I saw him go out behind the dunes. but don't be too long getting him because I want to go home"

You ignore the last part, setting out to go behind the dune. When you pass Amber on her way back, all she says to you is, "Good luck, he told me he didn't want to talk."

And it seemed like good luck was what you had. You sat down next to Rafe, and he put his forehead straight onto your shoulder. You reach your hand up to rest on his head, and you lean your head onto his. You slowly feel your arm dampen, but you ignore the tears because that seems like what Rafe would want you to do. You couldn't tell if he was drunk and emotional, or just emotional.

You let a minute go by before you speak. "You wanna talk about it?" you ask, not expecting an answer.

"Not really," he mumbles into your shoulder.

"Okay," you say back. You wait another minute before speaking again. His head has turned to look out at the water. You turn to him before you say, "If you don't want to talk now, we don't have to. But Kelce wanted me to get you quick because he wants to go home. Is that ok?" you say, gauging his response to get an insight into how he is really feeling.

He laughs, but it doesn't reach his eyes like it usually would. "Yeah, that's fine." He says. Neither of you move. He finally lifts his head off your shoulder and stands up, offering you his hand. You take it, and he pulls you up without anyone falling onto anyone else. He doesn't drop your hand.

You lead him to find Kelce, where you two separate to wrangle him and both are then able to get him into the front seat of Topper's Jeep.

"What took you so long?" Topper asks.

"Just couldn't find these freaks, and then, once I did, Kelce tried to run away and drink even more." You say, covering Rafe's tracks. "You're babysitting him tonight, by the way." You say to Topper.

"That's fine, we are all staying at your house anyway." he mentions without even so much as a look in the mirror at you.

"What?!" you say.

"Your parents aren't home, and we have two, maybe three, drunk people who need help. Mine are home and they hate when we come home drunk."

"Fine, as long as you're taking care of Kelce." You say.

He agrees. You turn to look at Rafe, who is looking out the window of the car. You tap his hand that is on the seat next to you. He looks and gives you a small smile before looking back out the window.

You arrive to your house, where Topper pulls in the driveway. Topper is able to get Kelce out of the car and into the house before either you or Rafe move an inch.

"You wanna go in?" you ask. He doesn't move, but you know he heard you.

"Not really," he says honestly, turning to face you.

"Let's go in." you say, grabbing his hands together. "We can order pizza and watch Revenge of the Sith if you want?" you suggest, throwing out his favorite movie and his favorite meal to cheer him up at least a little bit.

"...okay, if you insist." he says with a hint of a smile on his face, and he follows you out of the car and inside.

You order the pizza when you get inside after you check on both Macey (who is sound asleep in your guest room) and Kelce (who is laying restlessly in your brother's bed asking Topper where Stella is). You come back to the living room where you see Stella sitting on one of your couches talking to Rafe, and you send her up to Kelce. There is quiet as you watch her ascend the stairs. You clear your throat and turn to Rafe, who is sat on the other couch.

"I ordered the pizza, it should be here soon." you say, trying to break the ice. He looks at you in acknowledgement and then turns back to his phone.

You come to stand in front of him, the backs of your legs touching the coffee table that is centered in the room, and the front of your knees just barely brushing the inside of his thighs. You sit down on the table, something your mother would reprimand you for, and Rafe puts his phone down.

He avoids your gaze. "You know I'm gonna ask you what's wrong, right?" you say, obviously.

"I know," he says, and he looks down, "I was just kinda waiting to see if you would forget about it."

"I wasn't gonna forget about it, you know that." you say honestly, looking at him as he finally meets your eyes. His blue eyes shine with the hint of a tear forming, and you admire how he still manages to look good even after he has cried.

He sighs, wiping under his eyes before a tear can escape. "Its just that..." he pauses, and your eyes prompt him to continue with his sentence, "tomorrow is the anniversary of the day my mom died, and Ward and Rose are leaving to go to the Bahamas." he finishes.

"Oh wow, Rafe, I didn't realize, I'm so sorry." you say, and that's all you can really manage to get out. You put your hand on his leg.

"Its really ok," he tries to brush the feelings off, "I just thought my dad still cared about her a little bit, even though he's with Rose now I thought he would still think about her sometimes or even know the day she passed away." he pauses his ramble, "It just still hurts a lot more than I thought it would, you know?" he says finally, sitting up and moving toward the edge of the couch, his elbows resting on his knees. Your legs are nearly intertwined, your hand still on his leg.

"It's definitely not 'okay', Rafe. This is a big deal. How you feel is a big deal... to me especially. I'm so sorry that it seems like Ward doesn't care." You pause, noticing that his hand is resting on his leg close enough that his fingers brush both your hand and your leg that is in between his. "...I promise you that this is important, and it's more than okay that you are still grieving her. She was so amazing. I have no idea what it's like, and I'm so sorry that you have to know."

"Thanks, yn" he says, but you know your words aren't going to heal his pain completely. You smile at him. He grabs your hands and gives them three tight squeezes when the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it, it's probably just the pizza," you look through the peephole of your front door, and you see John, looking out of breath and leaning on your doorframe.

You open the door, "Oh, hey, John," you say, loud enough for Rafe to hear and hopefully come over to the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I just needed to make sure you got home okay," he slurs, running a hand through his hair. He looks past you into your house and you close the door a little bit.

"Oh, yeah, all good, thanks for checking." you say, confused how he got here since his car wasn't in your driveway.

"Yeah of course... I ran here once I noticed you were gone. I just needed you to be safe." he explains, getting closer to you and stumbling as you back away slightly.

"Yep, all good here." you begin to tell him goodbye when he interrupts.

"Is that Topper's car?" he asks, his words blending together, and you nod. "...oh yeah, I was just thinking that's weird because you asked me to give you a ride because you didn't want to ride with Topper, and now he's here..."

"...well Topper is still my best friend, I couldn't be mad at him for too long, plus we worked everything out." you start, and you finish by saying, "so, thanks for checking in, I really appreciate it, but we are all good!"

"yeah of course, so what are you up to now?" he begins, looking into the house behind you again.

"Hey what's taking so long?" Rafe comes up to you, and his confidence falters slightly when he sees John. "What is he doing here?"

"He was just leaving, Rafe. He just wanted to check in on us and make sure everyone was safe." you explain, never having seen the two boys interact. All you knew was that Rafe hated him, and John wasn't so fond of Rafe either.

"Yeah just wanted to make sure my girl was okay, you know?" John says, and Rafe steps forward, blocking you from sight due to his tall and broad stature.

"Yeah, she's fine. So, why don't you get going now, huh?" Rafe says, clearly trying to hold back the anger that was sparked in him by the comment that John made about you being 'his girl'. If anything you were Stella's girl, Macey's girl, Your Boys' girl, Rafe's girl, most definitely not John Townsend's girl.

"I don't know... yn was just about to invite me in to stay for a while, said she missed me" John lies, drunkenly trying to get a rise out of Rafe. And whether it was Rafe's emotions talking, or whether Rafe just really wanted to punch John Townsend in his stupid pretty-boy face, one punch was thrown, and then suddenly the boys are fighting on your front porch.

You tried to get them to stop, but it was no use. The pizza guy pulls into the driveway a minute or so later, and Rafe stops beating on poor John's pretty face. John stands and gives Rafe one final shove before walking away. "Bye, yn, text me if you're ever tired of these losers." he says, and with that, he was gone. Rafe is still breathing heavily. You tip the pizza guy and he leaves very soon after his arrival.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." you say, hoping that Rafe will follow you inside. He waits until John is out of sight, then he does, you place the pizza box on the counter, and you begin rummaging through your cabinets for your first aid supplies.

"Sit," you command, once you've found the supplies. He sits, and, even sitting, he is almost eye level with you. You begin to clean one of the wounds he has on his face, the one that already seems to be swelling.

"You didn't have to do that," you say after a few minutes go by.

"I know." he responds.

"I hate it when you fight," you say.

"I know." he responds.

"This bruise looks like it's gonna hurt pretty bad tomorrow," you begin.

"You should see the other guy." he says and tries to crack a small smile.

You smile sadly, thinking about the handful of other times you'd had to patch Rafe up. "I remember the first time I ever had to do this," you begin to reminisce, "you had gotten into a fight with someone in school about something in ninth grade gym class, and then they sent you to the nurse before you could go to the principal's" you say, laughing lightly at the memory, and you finish cleaning the cut near his eye.

He smiles, "you were in the nurse for a migraine, and you told me she was out for a little but that you could try your best to help me." You pick up his hand, cleaning the cuts on his knuckles from 'the other guy'

"yeah, that was when I was convinced I was gonna be a nurse, so I was determined to patch up your skinned elbow really well so maybe the nurse would hire me." you say, laughing at the memory as you finish putting a bandage on his knuckles. "I shouldn't keep having to do this," you joke, but you don't drop his hand.

"You should stop making me get in fights over you," he retorts quietly without thinking, looking up at you and hoping you didn't realize what he said.

"You should stop getting in fights... wait, over me?" you say, perplexed. He looks away, before he gets up from the chair and clears his throat.

"Let's put the pizza in the fridge, if we aren't gonna eat any now?" he says while packing up the pizza into a bag.

"Why did you say that?" you ask, still frozen in place.

"Say what? We should put this pizza away if we aren't gonna eat it." he says, acting oblivious.

"No, Rafe, the other thing." you say, expecting an answer.

"We can just talk about it later. It's nothing." he says, and he finishes packing up the pizza and puts it in the fridge.

"Really?" you say, now leaning on the counter.

"Yes, really, yn." he responds, walking past you and giving you a small squeeze on the shoulder before heading upstairs and leaving you by yourself in the kitchen.

"Goodnight, yn" he says quietly as he leaves.

"...goodnight." you say, still confused.

a/n sorry started school this week forgot to post. hope you enjoy, not [proofread!

🏷️list: @flvredcas @rafesno1bae @kiiyomei @silkylovey @girlwedontcare @sunny1616 @asterizee @pillowprincess4him @patychieffi @rafeslittleangel @anightlikethisss @drewsdirtyslut @mattyskies @theyluvmesblog @gothamgirl2024 @ujws5 @kmhbygss @kaiparkerwifes

[livwritesstuff]

This universe literally lives in my head rent free. I had another thought. How do the girls handle their relationships? I know as one of three daughters those dynamics change a LOT over the years, so I’m wondering how they manage their age differences and relationships over time? And how Eddie and Steve referee them?

ok so for reference:

Moe is born in july ‘01

Robbie is born november ‘03

Hazel is born september ‘06

(yes, i picked their star signs before i picked their birthdays - they are, respectively, a leo, a scorpio, and a libra)

So the age difference between Moe and Robbie is about 2 years, with ~3 years between Robbie and Hazel, and ~5 years between Moe and Hazel.

I think the general vibe of their collective dynamic really is the epitome of my sister is my best friend but also she’s the worst and I hate her. That doesn't change over time, but what does change is the way it gets expressed.

Moe was obsessed with Robbie when she was first born, and once Robbie was old enough to have her own opinions, she's equally obsessed with Moe. Robbie is definitely Moe's shadow for the first few years, and that only starts to shift when they're both in elementary school together, at which point they start to take on that quintessential love-hate-always bickering-with a tiny sprinkling of rivalry type of sibling relationship. The ebb and flow of this is one part of parenting three kids that only-children Steve and Eddie have a hard time keeping up with. There would be days when the girls were non-stop fighting, and then Steve would be like, “Moe, wanna go on a drive with me,” to, y’know, separate them for a bit, but then Moe would hit him with some major ‘tude like, “Just me? …why would we do that.”

There’s also definitely a psychological aspect to the sibling warfare that Steve and Eddie sometimes feel like they're two steps behind, so refereeing really just looks like keeping an eye on the metaphorical scoreboard (so to speak) and making sure it’s staying as even as possible (and breaking things up when it gets a bit too brutal).

Moe and Robbie circle back around to being buddies when they’re both in college – I have very very vaguely referred to how Moe and Robbie end up going to the same school, which is messy at first but it ends up being really good for them.

As for Hazel, when Steve and Eddie first introduced her as a newborn to her older sisters, Moe is basically like, “Thank you for the child. You may go,” whereas Robbie is definitely side-eying her like, “Uhhh I did not agree to this.”

That 5 year age gap between Moe and Hazel is enormous when Hazel was first born, and it continues to feel like a lot for a long time. Like, when Moe is learning how to drive, Hazel is still in elementary school, and she’s only twelve when Moe graduates high school. They spend their entire childhoods in completely different developmental brackets, and Hazel is definitely the baby to Moe while Hazel basically worships Moe and thinks she’s the coolest person on the planet. Then Hazel hits her high school years, and Moe, who's wrapping up college, is suddenly like, wait is Hazel cool? omg she’s *so* cool. That’s around when they stop feeling like they occupy totally different planets.

Because Robbie and Hazel are closer in age, their relationship looks a bit more like Robbie and Moe's. Hazel is basically just an avenue for Robbie to exert her own power in a way that Moe would never let her get away with. She’s definitely always pestering Hazel and teasing her and trying to push her buttons (and Hazel is so laid back that it really doesn’t bother her that much, which drives Robbie crazy in its own way). She’s super protective over Hazel though – both Robbie and Moe are very aware that Hazel is basically an angel, so the standard is very much *we’re* the only ones who get to mess with her.

I think Moe and Robbie might have a tendency to force Hazel to be a tie-breaker in their arguments, which is another facet of raising siblings that Steve and Eddie actually get involved in (to make sure she's not being completely steamrolled by her big sisters). Other than that, they mostly stay out of it. They've seen their kids go to battle *for* each other enough times to feel pretty confident that they'll make it through the times they're battling against each other.

[lookingfts]

So I wrote a post recently about how I write so much. And all of those tips are true. But I wanted to also share the reasons behind why I'm writing so much, especially lately.

Because I think people beat themselves up for not writing "fast." And that's so relative because some people are regularly cranking out 100k+ fics like it's nothing, and that's crazy to me. And I go through a lot of cycles in my writing; it's definitely not a consistent thing.

The number one reason I'm writing so much lately is just: stress. It's something I find really comforting when I'm stressed, and I am right now. Mostly because of work - we had major layoffs at my company, my team (to whom I was very close) got gutted, and I'm really unsure of my future there and what I want to do next. Every day is a little chaotic at the moment, and I retreat back into writing.

The second reason is that my energy goes through cycles. Sometimes, I feel very social and want to spend a lot of time with my friends. Sometimes, I crave more alone time and might not be leaving the house as much. It's not a worrying extreme, it's just the natural ebb and flow of my energy. Right now I'm in a less social phase, so more time and energy to write.

Also I want to tell people - other things fall by the wayside when you're writing a lot. I have dishes in my sink and books I haven't read and a graduation card to write for a family member. And as much as I know I need to take care of those things, they get abandoned temporarily in pursuit of writing.

I happen to have two WIPs that I'm very invested in at the moment. I want to write them, and I have a lot of ideas for them. But truthfully - sometimes I wish I could slow down. I tire myself out writing so fast, but I have so many ideas in my head and I want to get them out. I wish I could pace myself better, but once I start something, it is very hard for me to leave it unfinished. I've always been that way.

So, there you go. For the record, I'm totally fine and will get through this period of stress. I just want everyone to understand that it is OKAY if you don't write as much as I or other authors do - in fact, it's probably better if you don't. Strive to be balanced! And remember, ultimately, that writing fic should make you happy. If it doesn't, then something is off.

[shiningqueen]

unexpected burdens / mihawk x afab!oc / sfw

I am back with another 2nd person experimental piece that is literally just Fay but kept nameless because why not?

notes: established friendship, pining if you squint, hurt/comfort vibes. rating: sfw / e for everyone

Mihawk finds you in a crowded bar on Water 7, shoulder to shoulder with locals and sailors of all types. This was one of those rare instances where he went seeking you on purpose, as typically he left you to wander where-ever you pleased on the Grand Line. Yet he does not approach you right away, watching the crowd shift and reveal you were otherwise occupied with someone else.

So occupied that you did not even notice him enter in the first place.

He settles himself at the far side of the taproom to observe, paying no mind to how the other patrons stutter at his presence when he passes. Even from a distance he can easily read the tension in your narrow shoulders, your posture too rigid as if you were coiled to spring into action at any second. The individual that is the cause of such obvious discontent is another woman.

She matches you in height but with a curvier build and shorter hair; he does not recognize her from any other of your associates he'd become acquainted with over the years. Yet the sense of hostile familarity between you both tells him that regardless of whoever she is, you are clearly unhappy to see each other. The drone of the tavern's crowd ebbs into white noise as he attempts to listen in on the exchange - and realizes quickly you are speaking your native language and doing so too rapidly for him to properly follow.

So the Warlord waits and watches, curious and perhaps a little concerned for how you flush with indignation and for the tremor in your arms as you restrain some outpouring of emotion. Your voice never rises above the cacophony to draw too much attention from others but he can tell the argument is of interest to a few.

Mihawk has known you for just under two years at this point and he'd never seen you so incensed before. He knew you to be reserved and level headed and those traits are only partially why he enjoyed your company so much. Your docile demeanor complemented his own aloof tendencies but this encounter is so unlike what he is accustomed to seeing from you. The tension is prime to snap at any moment and he sees the course of action you take seconds before you commit to it. A swift movement of your hand gripping the tumbler nearby and it gets launched behind the bar in an explosion of shattering glass and your voice lifting to a broken octave.

Stillness ripples throughout the bar at the outburst, Mihawk feels the crackle of tension and the electric tingle of your haki skitter over his skin. There are tears flowing freely down your face and your shoulders are shivering from the force of the anguish that had overtaken you. He didnt like it. An uncomfortable twist somewhere in his gut at the sight of you so clearly distraught, such a sharp contrast to the witty, gentle natured person he had gotten to know over time.

It made him realize that in the grander scheme of things, he really did not know much about you.

You shove through the crowd and leave the tavern without looking at anyone else. He lingers long enough for the noise level to return to normal before rising to stand and following your trail out into the streets.

-x-

A cocktail of embarassment, anguish, anger and betrayal burned all the way down your throat as you left the bar. This was not how you imagined the day ending. Infact, you hadnt spared a single thought about seeing her again after you left your home island two years ago. Then she had suddenly appeared like a fucking living nightmare when you had only come to Water 7 for a leisurely trip away from Kuraigana. She had no right showing up here! Absolutely no goddamn right to haunt one of your favorite hang outs and drink with your acquaintances so casually as if she hadnt ruined your fucking life.

It was hard to see, even harder to think beyond the feeling of an old wound you thought had scarred over, ripping open and bleeding anew. Your eyes blurry from tears and your throat tight with the crushing blend of anxiety, fury and despair.

You wanted to scream, you wanted to break anything you could get your hands on, you wanted to drown yourself in the sea if it meant relief from having to process the grief all over again. For just a few seconds, you grasped the hilt of your double-edged blade and considered wreaking hapless destruction in the abandoned portions of Water 7. Yet none of that happened. You half ran all the way back to the docks on sheer instinct.

The tears hadnt stopped flowing even as you reach the waterfront beneath the deepening twilight, stumbling and then dropping down to sit at the edge of a platform and let the crushing weight of that wretched encounter bow your shoulders low. Even two years after the fact and she wanted to pretend she did nothing wrong. It wasnt fair.

"[Name]", the cool tenor of a familiar voice jerks you out of your painful reverie, shoulders pulling back and head twisting to peer up at the shadowed visage of Mihawk standing over you. His eyes glint beneath the dark halo cast from his cavalier hat.

You turn away hastily and shudder through several strained sobs, feeling ashamed that he would see you like this. You had somehow managed to befriend the reticient greatest swordsman but there was an ever present barrier between you - something self imposed because of your own insecurity around being remotely worthy to even warrant his attention. Would he think lesser of you for this? Had he been in the tavern to witness that disaster?

"[Name]," Mihawk says again in a marginally gentler tone and you feel the slight pressure of his hand wrapping around your bicep, his body heat now considerably closer as he reached down into your space. "We have somewhere to be, let us not tarry here." His voice lacks its typical brusque edge and you think he almost sounds concerned, even coaxing. You nod and let him help haul you to stand, still pointedly avoiding looking at his face.

Why delay the inevitable any further?

"You saw, didnt you?" You ask, hating how raspy you sounded from crying.

A few heartbeats of silence and then, "I saw enough." His touch goes from your arm to resting on your shoulder, "I wont pry but I will listen, if you deign to share."

It's an unexpected offer but ultimately not unwelcome, though the idea of spilling out your heartbreak does lodge a knot in your throat. You rarely volunteered information about your past to Mihawk and he inquired very little of you in the first place - whether out of disinterest or pragmatic acceptance you had never been certain. The silence stretched on as you mulled over the offer and what it meant for your friendship with him.

"I'll explain later," you decide quietly, tentatively brushing your hand against his that lingered on you.

Mihawk hums in acceptance and keeping his hand in place, prompts you to walk further onto the creaking docks with him. His quiet, unfaltering confidence was a balm to the aching in your chest. Part of you still felt so undeserving of him that it only compounded the hurt.

As if sensing your turmoil, the swordsman cleared his throat and recited calmly, "The calm before the storm, we need to mollify, our inner tempest."

The haiku is soothing and it tempts a muted, pleased huff from you.

"Great heroes need great sorrows," you recite in response, wiping the lessening tears from your eyes as you peek at him shyly from beneath your lashes.

"Sorrow need not be carried alone," Mihawk retorts languidly and you choke on another soft cry, this one a tangle of gratitude and pain.

You really did not deserve him.

[universe-friday]

EXCERPT #28:

Hello. I hope somebody is listening.

[...]

I haven’t seen her since I last spoke to you, old sport. It’s been harder to wander the streets of the City these days. It’s been harder to get up and get the day started. Thalia and I were so close… We went from spending all our time with each other, to not speaking for days at a time.

What possible reason could she have…? For someone who cares the same way, she certainly doesn’t enjoy showing it.

It is so hard to read her mind. She doesn’t give me much to base any guesses on… If only she would talk to me. Have a conversation with me. One that doesn’t lead to her deflecting, or running away.

Every time I think we’re so close, but then the tide just goes back in again. And when that wave comes crashing back into shore, are we ever able to ebb and flow the way we once did?

Or am I back to drowning, waves crashing into my lungs I am no longer able to scream…? Did she ever hear me? Can she hear me?

I suppose I never recalled walking to the beach in the first place, old sport. But I found comfort in the waves. I found myself in the waves.

[A small and distant knock is heard in the background. Equipment rattles. Radio stutters in astonishment.]

Hello…?

THALIA: Can I come in…?

[Beat.]

THALIA:  Please, Radio. Can we talk?

RADIO: …Okay. Come in.

[Door squeaks open, footsteps approach.]

RADIO: Hold on. Let me just mute this call quickly.

[A button is pressed, but sound continues to play. A chair squeaks and footsteps get further away. A conversation begins from afar, distant and quiet.]

THALIA: Radio, I… I am so sorry.

RADIO: I know. You say this every time… Do you want to get to a point?

THALIA: I want to be with you. But… I can’t.

RADIO: What do you mean, Thalia? What do you mean, ‘you can’t’?

THALIA: I mean that I can’t. I care for you… So much. I have never met anyone else like you. But, I just can’t be with you.

RADIO: I don’t understand… That makes zero sense, Thalia.

THALIA: I know. And I’m sorry. I can’t… I can’t explain it very well. I just- I have other commitments-

RADIO: Other commitments?

THALIA: In the City. And I-

RADIO: What can even be meant by ‘other commitments’? There’s someone else?

THALIA: No, Radio. There’s no one else. I just… I can’t be with you.

RADIO: We’re in the City… What possible- What do you mean… I… How could you have other commitments? You don’t have time? How is it possible to have that problem here, Thalia? I run out of things to keep myself occupied, stuck here. And with you gone, even fewer things. And I just have to be stuck here while you go and do other stuff? Leave me, even though I love you?

[Silence. A quiet, but suppressed sob is heard as it breaks past Radio’s boundaries.]

THALIA: It’ll pass…

RADIO: But what if-

THALIA: I love you too. And it’ll pass.

[A much louder sob is heard. It comes from both Radio and Thalia, this time.]

RADIO: [Quietly, through tears] Will I ever see you again…?

[Beat.]

THALIA: I think… that wouldn’t be good for either of us.

[The conversation fades into radio static. After a while, this fades to silence. Until a melody softly begins to play.]

♪ There’s nothing left for us anymore Why aren’t you listening? Why aren’t you listening to me? There’s nothing left. ♪

[dumbslxtclub]

let me put my lips to something | e.m - part two

eddie munson x fem!reader

content warnings: fem!reader, adult language, adult themes, angst, hurt/comfort, some canon divergence/au, reader is 19, anxiety, ANGSTY angst, fluff, no use of y/n, mentions of cheating (eddie kisses reader while with chrissy)

word count: 2.1K+

a/n: big thank-you to @sidthedollface2 for this request! can't believe how many requests I received for a part two! and of course I'm gonna give you what you want, because I love ya x

taglist: @1paire2vans @spear-bearing-bi-witch @81rain @casmosmoon @eggo-segual @jazzycurls @bibieddiesgf

part one / part two

Guilt. 

It’s a funny thing, how cyclical it is in nature. 

A snowball effect, coming to terms with the ramifications of your actions, rendering you paralyzed with anxiety. Your friendship with the two people closest to you in the immediate blast zone, your guilt, a grenade without its pin. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Trapped by circumstance.

You know you should tell Chrissy, she has a right to know. If the roles were reversed, her pure heart couldn’t take harboring such a secret from her best friend, needing to make things right. But, unfortunately for you, you are not Chrissy. Selfishly, you don’t know how you’d cope with that. It’s almost unfathomable, the image of her Bambi-eyes widening, heart breaking in front of you as you confess the truth. Why couldn’t it be a different truth? Mistakes happen, and surely she could forgive an intoxicated kiss between long-time friends, unattached and purely platonic. But the truth is, you have feelings for Eddie and he feels something for you. Something he doesn’t feel for his girlfriend, a missing piece only you can give him. 

Eddie was right. This is so fucked up. 

As you bypass hoards of your peers in the school hallway, you feel as though you’re running on autopilot. Keeping up appearances, despite wanting nothing more than to seclude yourself and pray that this situation never happened. Sometimes, doing nothing is the best option. And that’s exactly what you’ve elected to do today. Keep your space from the both of them, withdraw and hope they can settle whatever differences lead to last night’s events. Distance yourself, at least for the moment. Let the wounds scab over before you pick at them again.

Successfully avoiding Chrissy for the first two periods, you’re thankful you don’t share every class together. You need time to rehearse your withdrawal. And withdrawal doesn’t have to just be physical, you pray you can get away with just nodding and smiling during your inevitable conversations. Her altruistic nature means she could see through any facade, and you need time to stabilize before hard questions are thrown your way.

Eddie, on the other hand, is nowhere to be found. His homeroom seat remains empty as it has countless times before, you deduce he must have skipped school today. You should feel relief. Instead, you feel a sense of longing. It’s terrible, you shouldn’t want to see him after everything. But last night, with the ebb and flow of your guilt complex, you experienced moments of clarity. A cruel irony, the sudden lack of guilt breeding more of the same. Recalling the plush lips brushing against yours, hitched breathing tickling the nerve endings of your cheeks, setting your skin alight. And then, cognisance around your apathy hits you like a freight train, a new wave of culpability causing you to double over. It’s useless denying how you feel about him now, it would barely make a dent in the whole situation.

You pass through the morning like a specter, there but not. Scribbling notes onto blank pages, hoping if you scratch hard enough it might alleviate the dread lingering in the pit of your stomach. Floating from class to class, cementing yourself to a quiet corner of the school for your morning break. Your apple tastes rotten, your muesli bar far too dry. Nothing digestible right now, it seems. Less than you desire, and more than you deserve.

Eddie remains unseen for the rest of the day, as does Chrissy. It’s not until you unlock your bike from the rack at the end of the day that you spot them. Or rather, the end of them.

Eddie’s van speeds away, leaving Chrissy in the dust, still in her cheer uniform. A striking image, something so perfect stock-still like a statue frozen in time, it doesn’t take much to deduce that what’s transpired isn’t good. Betraying legs carry you towards her before your mind can catch up. 

“Chrissy?” Words escape shakily, crossing the short distance between you. She doesn’t respond. You know a shell-shocked look when you see one. Like approaching a stray dog, you tread carefully and prepare for a bark or bite. 

“Chrissy-” 

She spins on her heel, the white’s of her beautiful eyes red with unshed tears. Anger. Heartbreak.

“Don’t come near me.”

Your stomach lurches, an ache penetrating your core, you feel as though you could collapse in on yourself. Willing that, at this exact moment, the earth beneath you might open and swallow you whole.

“I’m sorry-“ Is all you manage to get out before Chrissy retreats, beelining for the last school bus of the day. You’re smart enough to not follow her, knowing it won’t do any good right now. Teeth grinding together, your grasp on the handlebars tighten as you mount the bike and set off in a familiar direction.

Your knuckles rap against Eddie’s trailer door with such ferocity you’re sure it could break the fragile structure. Every inch of you is shaking, blood running cold with dread. You need answers, to start the Golithian task of fixing what you’ve broken.

The door swings open to reveal Eddie, standing in sweat pants and a very worn band tee. He looks like shit. 

“What did you say to her?”

“Good day to you, too.” His voice is weary, complimenting the dark circles beneath his eyes.

He always knew how to get under your skin. Shoving past him into the living room, the air is stale in the stuffy room.

“Don’t start with me. What happened?” Your tone is demanding, causing the taller boy to shrink into himself. His gaze shifts around the room, uncertainty rendering him speechless. “Eddie, what did you do?”

“I ended things. With Chrissy, after school.”

“Oh my god.” Running your hands along your flushed cheeks, you pace aimlessly around the room. “Why did you do that?”

“I just couldn't, anymore. The whole thing felt like a lie-“

“To you, it was real for her. Did you ever consider that?”

Eddie winches physically, bearing the brunt of your apathy towards him. Leaning on the kitchen bench, he needs all the support he can get right now.

“I never should have said yes to her in the first place.”

“Then why did you?!” Your emotions betray you, seeping into your words. You’ve played that day over and over in your head like a broken record, when Chrissy practically skipped towards you to announce her new Homecoming date. Relationships blindside you, rendering you incapable of seeing a world without your person. You knew things could have been messy, but never anticipated just how bad it could be. But it scared you even more to imagine a world in which everything went well. 

“I don’t know.” Eddie’s reply is mumbled, running his hands through his mess of curls. 

“Bullshit.”

Vulnerably, you are poking around for his truth. The silence that follows hangs thick, your gaze pressing on Eddie knowing you can crack him. 

“I thought if I couldn’t have what I wanted, I’d go for the next best thing.” His words are mumbled, shameful.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

For the first time since letting you in, Eddie’s sheepish gaze meets yours. He holds it, eyes softening with a sense of pleading. Communicating so much without uttering a word. And it hits you like a bullet to the head. It’s painful, the way you want to run and hold him, and the tension you experience from keeping yourself in place. You understand what he’s saying. And you refuse to accept it. You can’t.

“No…”

“Sweetheart-“

“Eddie, don’t-“

Surprisingly, Eddie chuckles, shaking his head. “Didn’t know it was possible to care about someone so much ‘til I met you.”

The pair of you remain perfectly distanced, neither daring to move a muscle. Two stars stuck in orbit, the only force keeping you together is the fact you’ve been doing it for so long. Biting the tender flesh of your cheek as you have so many times before, it offers little relief. You’d love to say something, anything, to stop what’s about to be disclosed. But you’re numb, quietly despondent.

“Thought you’d leave sooner. I mean, here’s this girl. Pretty as hell, loads of friends, treating me like a person? Felt too good to be true. Thought the day in the library was a one-off, was sure you’d never stick around. I mean, why would you? And then you did and- I just didn’t want to fuck that up. Didn’t want to lose you, even if that meant caring about you from afar. And then Chrissy-“ He signs, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “- I dunno, I guess I thought I could convince myself to care about someone else. But I just- I fucking couldn’t. I tried, I really did. But, It just never felt right. It never felt like you. I always wanted you, and it fucking killed me. You don’t know what that feels like.”

Eddie’s vulnerability dries up your mouth, leaving it incapable of formulating a response. But your expression betrays you in ways you were oblivious to. Eddie studies your expression, desperate for validation. Wide-eyed like a baby cow, big and helpless. And something shifts. A quiver in your lip, an exposing softness in your glossy eyes. He sees it. Finally.

“You feel the same way, don’t you?” There’s an air of finality to his statement that sets you on edge, backing you into an emotional corner.

“No.” You lie through your teeth, and Eddie doesn’t believe a second of it. It’s vile, the way guilt transforms to pining. Undeserving.

“You do.” Eddie takes a pace towards you, and you don’t move. You don’t think you could if you tried.

“Eddie-” Voice barely a whisper, Eddie closes the gap between the pair of you. Running a hand through your scalp, you can’t help but melt into his touch, electricity coursing through his fingertips. It’s embarrassing, really. The effect his touch has on you, rendering you drunk, right there for him to bear witness to. Wrapping you in his musky scent, the marriage of cigarette smoke and cologne. Deliciously Eddie. There’s no use lying, not now. Fingertips trace their way along the frame of your face, snaking around the crook of your jawline. It’s heavenly. Lips ghosting above yours, breath intermingling as a sigh betrays you, causing Eddie’s grip on your jawline to tighten slightly.

“Tell me you don’t want it, and I’ll stop.” His tone is firm yet sincere, the trust between you palpable. No inebriation to scapegoat your actions now, the burden of blame is purely on you. You say nothing. And your silence is a response in itself.

Agonizingly slowly, Eddie lowers his lips to yours. A suggestion of skin on skin, so many unseized moments to back out, to stop. But every fiber of your being, every screaming nerve ending on your sensitive lips, cries out for more. Muscles soften at his touch, sinking into him. His lips catch you, warm and soft, finding yours with tenderness. It’s different, without the haze of a high numbing your senses. You feel him fully. The brush of his hair, curls falling around your face, tickling receptive skin. How his exhale feels like a caress, nose bumping against yours as his lips embrace yours. The expertly subtle flick of his tongue exploring your parted mouth, an invitation of more. But what buckles you, causes a coil to tighten in your belly, is the groan. Subconsciously emitted from deep in his throat, an unintentional byproduct of mutual wanting. Laced with hunger. Relief. The sweetest sound you’ve ever heard.

And you know, right then, you need to stop. The temptation is beckoning, Eddie’s grip providing much needed comfort, solace between his lips. You could stay there eternally. Which is precisely the problem.

Before a moan can expose your neediness, you find the courage to mutter the only word flooding your mind.

“Eddie.” 

He breaks away, lips feeling suddenly entirely too empty, buzzing from his touch. He sighs, holding the minute distance between the pair of you.

“I know. You can’t have it all.”

As if to keep him locked in place, your hand wraps around his, relishing in the cool sensation and grooves of his rings. 

“Just- let me try to fix things with Chrissy first. She deserves that.”

Eddie nods, forehead pressed to yours. In another universe, the two of you could remain there, witnessing each other for an eternity. But you need to try to make things right, regardless of whether your guilt is absolved.

“Sure. You know where to find me.”

[creature-wizard]

Sorry for taking so long. This is shy system ROMCOA anon and after seeing your response I realized I needed to write a narrative explanation of things rather then just a list of painful or difficult truths that have helped us which is more difficult then I expected. I'm going to do a bit of both I've decided. Jumping into it though, IMO simplified Narcissistic Abuse discourse can be a gateway to ROMCOA stuff when it is clear that people who hurt them aren't 100% evil monsters and another explanation is needed. I think that's how I got more interested in it. The NA explanation felt overly slanderous, plus being bitter isn't healing and is actually incredibly exhausting. The sentiments that undercut the issue of intent in a helpful way I think are these: - You don't have to know why someone did something because abuse doesn't need justified. - It is unfortunately true that love does not prevent mistreatment and abuse. - Something doesn't have to be intentional to have hurt. - It's harder that there is no such thing as someone who is pure evil and that nobody is born evil, but eventually you will find many truly kind but still imperfect people. - Intentional or otherwise, cruelty towards someone does not reflect on or diminish their inherent value.

I think people either want to absolve or hate those who hurt them because loving someone who has deeply hurt you adds an additional pain. The questions of "How could you have done that?" or "How could you not remember doing that?" tend to haunt people. Unfortunately, I also think life and trauma are often complicated in mundane ways. Nobody has to be evil or be targeting you specifically for abuse to take place, and no amount of good intentions invalidates harm done. I think this middle ground has helped me because it is tempting to imagine that my family was merely neglectful but not harmful towards me. To imagine that it was someone else with clear and bad intentions.

At the same time it is hard for others to see a middle ground where they didn't need to be evil to have hurt me. It's easier to invalidate my experiences then to own up to anything and it's hard to determine what owning up would even look like. In that regard I try to remember these things: - Everybody is affected by things differently and trauma is thus relative. (i.e. Autism made anything food related worse.) - Strong feelings do not indicate a trauma's relationship to what society considers serious, but it is no less valid to have those feelings. - "Lowercase t" traumas can stack into a bigger issue that is hard to discern the origin of because there is no clear bad thing or cause. Those seem to be the two major sticking points, intention and validity. I think they have so much sway as sticking points because if shit sucks and that's totally valid but most people and even you yourself may never fully understand it, what are you supposed to do then? It feels like a terrible hand to be dealt and an unfair game to play. While I do think the most realistic explanation also sucks ass, I also think that's not where things have to end. Some things that have helped me and system friends: - We'll never be someone without a painful history, that's ok, and it's valid to grieve. - You can't time travel, the unknowns and what if's are ephemeral so eventually the only thing left to do is make a better path forward. - Don't let the valid hurt and anger turn and bite you. If you can, use that energy to assert your value and make something better of life. (i.e. Spite is why I choose gentleness.) - Managing big feelings is a skill everyone has to learn and the process ebbs and flows, but it gets easier. - You're not alone in having complicated feelings and history and experiences. - If you can't believe the future will better, it could at least be interesting. It's worth it to wait and see.

(Please do not assume anything about me or the "level" of my trauma from this. We are diagnosed, though a diagnosis doesn't determine whether or not anyone has issues. I just gives them a name.)

(To anyone reading this: If you've heard the term "RAMCOA" but haven't heard how it originated among conspiracy theorists and was always meant to push conspiracy theories within legitimate psychiatry, further information is provided at the end.)

Oh oof I really forgot this in my inbox for over a month. 😵‍💫

And yeah, I'm not surprised that the whole "narcissistic abuse" thing can lead into RAMCOA stuff.

Like, the concept of "narcissistic abuse" is another iteration of the cultural myth that there's a distinct category of person that if we all just avoid or exclude, we can protect ourselves from abuse and toxic behavior, and it makes a pretty effective grift for people who've experienced severe abuse from people who just had zero interest in treating them well for one reason or another. The question of why anyone would engage in relentless bad faith behavior often torments people who've been through these experiences, and the concept of narcissistic abuse seems to finally provide an explanation that, while right about some things (for example,, it's true that people may lash out when their egos have been injured), is severely wrong about others (an NPD diagnoses is not a guarantee that someone will do this, and not everyone who does this has NPD). Basically, it's yet another half-assed solution to the problem of evil.

But like you say, many people have more complicated experiences with their abusers. And the alter programming conspiracy theory is absolutely a myth that seems to explain these kinds of experiences. Many people don't fully realize how someone might be handling a bad mental health day badly, or might be under some kind of stress they don't know about, or might have internalized some toxic belief that makes them act really shitty over some things, but not necessarily everything. "Your mom acted differently because she's actually a programmed multiple system, and what you experienced were different alters" is the kind of thing that makes sense when you know a little bit about DID, but not enough to understand why the idea of TBMC/alter programming is pseudoscientific nonsense.

I dunno how much you know about Michelle Remembers (the book that formed the blueprint of this mythology), but if you don't (and for the benefit of anyone else reading this who doesn't know), ritual abuse absolutely became a way to rationalize complicated relationships with parents. While Michelle Remembers didn't incorporate the DID aspect into the narrative (it just stuck with repressed memories), the short of it is that her mother was a single parent of three in the 1950's (her father basically walked out) who at least occasionally used alcohol. There's no way this lady didn't have some bad days. Plus she also died when Michelle was pretty young, which couldn't have been great on her psyche.

So yeah, it makes sense that people are getting into it today as a way to explain why their own parents were Like That.

For anyone who isn't aware: RAMCOA, which stands for "Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, & Organized Abuse" is not an innocent catch-all term for religious abuse, institutional abuse, sex trafficking, etc. It was coined by conspiracy theorists to try and make far right conspiracy theories sound respectable within legitimate psychiatry. For more information, see Cathy O'Brien - The First Project Monarch "Survivor" and Fritz Springmeier and Cisco Wheeler: Two Of The Most Dangerous Conspiracy Theorists Most People Have Never Heard Of.

[esshetic]

Hey May

Baby, I am a deeper shade of green.

Hey May, just like that, spring is in full swing in the northern hemisphere, and watch how our habits, feelings, and thoughts change because it's lighter outside and the weather is warmer, and everyone feels like it's going to be okay.

May feels very sweet and simple; it's the little things that make the bigger things happen. Now we just want to wait and experience life as it presents itself to us and not really strive to achieve. We have to learn to enjoy the moment and the place that we are in.

Seat Belt Sign

Take a good sigh of relief because you have made it through the turbulence and darn right rollercoaster of the last month. Applaud yourself for getting through it with as much grace and patience that you could muster whilst the storm raged on.

Smile More

When you catch yourself scurrying your brow, smile more, then praise yourself for being you. There is more to come, but you are now ready to battle, raise your sword, and be prepared to work to win.

May is about enjoying your nature, your habitat, neighbourhood, and community. We start off with tying up all the shit that jumped up at us in April. Hence why we have our sword drawn, but as Taurus season turns into Gemini, we get into the swing of spring and enjoying simpler pleasures.

Taurus Season

Taurus season is a table that is holding together all the things that fell apart. Look at what remains on the table. What do you go to pick up?

Taurus May for you is "Sinner's have futures too!" and that is you. Your birthday month has you in a thoughtful mood in regards to recent disappointments in your life with people who recently let you down. I think that you need to express your disappointment towards them. Love the sinner, hate the sin, and let go of projecting your expectations of behaviour onto your loved ones.

Gemini, May for you is up! After being down for so long, you feel joy-filled and light having cleared through some real shit over the last few months, heck we can even go back a few years. I have nothing else to say our bring out of you, perhaps you're high? No, well it could be Jupiter, the Sun, and Venus being in your sign? A knowing of something about yourself, life, or things you have been worried or hyper fixated on, a peek behind the curtain to see how it all works has you giggling to yourself about things that would normally stress you out. Something is coming next because nature abhors a vacuum, and so do you!

Cancer, May will be very emotional and teary for you, but this is your normal state, so nothing out of the ordinary or cray cray. A trip by the sea, being near water at all times, it's just the way you connect and experience the constant ebbs and flows of life. Remember Cancer, you feel for everyone, feeling without borders. But sometimes you need a container to only feel a certain amount per day.

Leo, May for you feels exciting. Something that you have been manifesting for a while starts to come true. I am hearing dreams coming true; this is a big, big dream. The ball is rolling, the doors are opening, and it's more about reaping the rewards, and the work starts now. You will work hard to achieve your dreams because you now feel worthy of it!

Virgo, May for you has a lot going on in the professional and personal front. I see a lot of movement, chatter, and action, like these areas of your life are going to be crowded in May. I am seeing someone who works in Public Relations, and the Month of May is filled with activations and events. You are yapping away, doing you, being Virgo. This just means this month is jam-packed in whatever way it can be for you. Like you blink and it's June.

Libra, May for you is a little somber and reflective. You are in your big bad mood, like wearing a huge hoodie that engulfs you, with only a small sliver where you can see through. You are cocooning yourself in your negative mood, and this is how you want to be and feel. It does not matter if the sun is shining; you are being stubborn with feeling this way.

Scorpio, May for you has a silence sort of underground but not peaceful. You are like a vampire in a coffin in a shallow grave, so you can hear all of the world going on above you, but it won’t awake you from your slumber that is necessary. Bed rotting is what you will be doing as people go about their day. It's the stillness and pace that are only natural to you that you are seeking this month.

Sagittarius, May will be bright-eyed and busy-tailed. You always feel good and have lots of energy to keep life moving and shaking and interesting for you through the challenges. You treat it all like a competition to beat and win. You always draw admirers to you, and now more than ever, you will feel appreciated by those around you for these very things.

Capricorn, May for you is challenge accepted. You are in a competitive mood but with yourself and your past that you want to outdo and conquer. There are challenges ahead like a boulder you don’t see coming rolling down your path. Instead of freaking out and feeling like you will be crushed by this, move out of the way, and then you see how the boulder actually cleared the path and showed you that up ahead was a dead end. Time to redraw the map!

Aquarius, May for you feels like a dead end. You have done all you can and exhausted all efforts with this thing. It is time to accept defeat, put the thing down, take a nap; perhaps you did not need this thing from the very beginning, and it was a distraction from yourself or from something you have been avoiding.

Pisces, May will feel like your birthday Month of February; the same themes will come back around. I am seeing this in regards to a medical emergency like a tooth problem where you had to go to the dentist, and it's something that you still need to address again in May. A mild medical situation may require your attention this month. If not that, check back to what was happening at the start of the year as part 2 will be happening in May.

Aries May for you is turbulence, rough clouds that you have to fly through. Just when you feel like the plane is going to crash, the turbulence stops as you have cleared through the clouds. That is what is happening: turbulence, not the end. Remember that as you navigate the days. Just when you have reached your endpoint and want to give up, take a beat and breathe. Find nature; what are the birds doing? Watch them and try to remember that it's just life's turbulence getting you down.

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

Themes in Pit Babe (or why the racing omegaverse show is deeper than you think) - Part 2

Part 1 here. Let's keep this thought train rolling.

Part 2: Self-Worth & Relationships

To start, a few notes about self-worth.

We're all deeply familiar with the common refrains around finding your own sense of self-worth without relying on others. Think of the whole RuPaul "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" kind of thing.

Which on the surface is a fine message, and absolutely it is a good thing to put time into self-reflection and finding value in your inherent self.

But of course this is real life, and as lovely as it would be to be able to catchphrase ourselves to that perfect place, it is much more nuanced than that.

For one, many of us who have fairly solid senses of self-worth (and I do include myself in that category) will still have days where we wake up and feel like a completely horrible unlovable mess of a person. This is called being a human. It's normal to have ebbs and flows, and peaks and valleys. We're on a journey, y'all, and when it comes to growth and self-actualization, no one makes it all the way to the end.

For two, humans are social creatures, and we cannot help but be influenced by who is around us in our lives. You can have the strongest sense of self-worth in the world, but you end up surrounded by people who treat you like shit all the time - it's gonna have an impact.

And, of course, we have to also acknowledge the impact of being part of marginalized communities, and how insecurities around worthiness can become very internalized by the constant reinforcement of bias and oppression.

All of that to say, who is in your life can be deeply important when it comes to self-worth. You shouldn't be seeking a relationship with someone just to feel like you matter, but the person/people you are around should absolutely make you feel like you do.

Ok, let's get back to Pit Babe!

Pete/Way/Kenta

Ha, no, I don't actually think we'll get a throuple here, but I do find the dynamics really interesting. Both Way & Kenta are characters I would identify as having some of the poorest self-worth in the show, to the extent that they have long been incapable of making their own decisions, and primarily follow orders from Tony.

Way seems to do it more out of despair that Tony's will cannot be defied, while Kenta is heart-breakingly still in a place of needing Tony's approval.

And then we have Pete. Who apparently has a bit of a sad pathetic man addiction. But like I said before, the key to Pete is empathy. He knows their pain.

I'm going to write more later about the critical role Pete plays in the show's theme around self-determination, but for now, I just want to point out how vital he is in showing up for both Way & Kenta, and telling them they matter, and the choices they make matter too.

They've done shitty things, and other characters are rightfully furious and distrustful of them. Pete is the one who said, "you still have value as a human being, don't let Tony define you". He knows what it's like to walk out of your abuser's house and determine a new way to find value and purpose. He's key to Way leaving his place of grief and despair and working to rebuild a path to Babe's trust again. And when Kenta gains the confidence to defy Tony next episode (it's being foreshadowed pretty hard), it'll be because of Pete as well.

Sometimes when we cannot see the value in ourselves, it can mean the world for someone to take our hand and speak it out loud for us.

Alan/Jeff

Ah, my sweet, sweet secondary couple. I love these two. Jeff may have a special ability that is considered valuable, but it's also made him feel utterly unlovable. And then he meets this man, who loves taking underdogs under his wing and giving them chances. And this man is being so kind and so sweet. And even when he learns the truth, learns that loving someone like Jeff comes with more than the usual hardship and challenges, he doesn't hesitate for a single second.

This is part of why I think the age gap works so well here, because this kind of optimism in someone younger might come across as naive. But Alan is not naive. He's experienced, and he knows that someone like Jeff is not going to cross his path ever again. He is going to love Jeff unconditionally, and we can already see the inner shine coming out for our poor vision-addled boy.

Everyone has their flaws, and dark sides. But we are still worthy of loving.

Sonic/North

You thought I wasn't going to give a section to our delightful, one-brain-celled, won't-admit-they-are-a-couple couple?

These boys may be uncomplicated, but their existence as a unit is a big part of what makes them such lovely examples of self-worth. Not all of us are lucky enough to find that person who fits with us like a puzzle piece, but these two have. They may vastly underestimate their importance to each other (see Sonic's face when North jumps in to take hits for him), but the consistency they have in their relationship, and the care they show for each other, gives them such a solid ground for being their authentic little idiot selves.

Never underestimate the value of having a person who you can be your authentic silly weird self with.

Charlie/Babe

And of course, we have the beating heart of our show. Though on the surface he comes across as too-cool-for-school, Babe so deeply needs to feel loved. He is achingly desperate for it.

It's all well and good to tell Babe that he should love himself. That he should feel fine and worthy as he is. But his external success is not enough. He needs intimacy, and trust, and someone to baby the hell out of him. To make him feel like he's worth loving.

But between his own fears, founded by his father's abandonment and his childhood in a cold and neglectful house, and Way's constant reinforcement that he couldn't trust anyone, he was trapped.

And then Charlie shows up. A man who sees no value in himself, but sees the world in Babe. Can you imagine what that experience was like for Babe? To be in a world of ice and have a being of warmth & comfort come and wrap him up in his arms?

As for Charlie, he's doesn't seem to be in a place yet where he truly understands how much he has become Babe's world. But I expect he will get there. He's tenacious and committed. He just needs to realize that others see the value in him that he sees in them.

Self-worth doesn't mean acting strong all the time. We deserve sweetness & softness and having someone we can be a scared babygirl around.

The X-Hunter Crew

Oh, no way am I just talking about romantic relationships here. I love romance, don't get me wrong, but there's plenty of folks who can live quite well and happily without romantic relationships. Romance is put on a pedestal in our society, but it really shouldn't be. Platonic relationships, on the other hand, are incredibly vital, and I wish they were given more status in our world.

And this is what makes the entire crew so important. It's not just about the individuals, or the couples - it's about all of them, as a unit. Call them a team, call them a family, whatever you like.

Because Babe may need someone like Charlie in his life, but he definitely needs the X-Hunter crew. I firmly believe the care he has been given by Alan (and even Way to an extent, when he was in supportive friend mode) is what made him even able to take those first steps with Charlie.

And the family remains critical after he thinks Charlie is dead - the care and love the team give him is vital to him being able to continue functioning. Alan, North, & Sonic give him physical touch and comfort, make sure he's eating, and literally pick him up off the floor when he can't go on.

Just like Sonic & North give each other a stable place to stand, this is what the entire X-Hunter family is able to do for each other. Despite an unfortunate tendency to miss when Jeff gets kidnapped, overall, they look out for each other. Everyone has their place, and knows they're important to the team.

Self-worth is never going to be just about the individual, or the group, but the interweaving of the two. Strong self-worth can help us feel more connected to others, but our connections to others can make us feel more worthy.

A couple of additional thoughts:

Dean let his insecurity override his sense of inherent self-worth. Alan wants to help Dean do better, to push him to grow and develop. And yes, you can debate the sense of putting Charlie into the race, Alan is definitely not perfect. But also denying someone an opportunity is not inherently bad, or a sign of lack of love or trust. Challenge is where growth happens, and people who genuinely want the best for us understand this.

Instead of turning to his family and being vulnerable about how deeply hurt he was, Dean turned away. He let his insecurity and narrow focus on self-worth through racing achievement override everything else. He didn't remotely consider what anyone else might be feeling. He didn't think about what his actions would cost the family long-term. At any point, prior to attempted murder, if he had come to Alan, there would have been compassion. But he pushed it to the point where there was no turning back.

Contrast that with Kim, who knows he has value regardless of whether he wins races, or how he gets treated by his racing crew. He has enough self-worth to not making everything in his life about himself. Which is why he was able to fit in instantly with the X-Hunter team. He's willing to come in, find his place in their little family puzzle, and commit to being there for everyone else just as much as they will be there for him (once we've all moved past their well-intentioned, but failed rescue attempt).

Relationships are essential, but can't magically fix us - we still have to put in the work.

[ikatako38]

Another Update

Do people even read these anymore?

Hi!

TL;DR: read last paragraph (bolded)

First of all… I miss you all so much!!! As I always say, thank you so much to everyone reading this for sticking around. It really means the world to me.

This summer has been extremely rough for me. I don’t need to rehash the details, I’m your curious I believe I gave some in a previous update. The important part is that I’m finally doing better now. For the first time in over a year really, I finally feel like I’m same strange enough to begin focusing on myself a little bit again, rather than just surviving. And part of that is making time to write and engage with fandom!

At the same time, it is also sadly true that, especially with the Grand Festival behind us, the Splatoon fandom is slowly going dormant. Many of the Splatoon creators I know are moving on to different fandoms. Especially for a Splatoon 2 fic, the interest level is understandably small and ever-shrinking. Much of today’s Splatoon fandom never even played the second game or Octo Expansion. And a lot of that is due to my own timing; I’ve been behind since the beginning, and long hiatuses squandered much of the wave of interest coming from Splatoon 3.

That being said, I can try to be proud about the things I did accomplish in that time. A Discord server that’s a bit quieter but still thriving after nearly two years, my longest single project ever at over 500 pages, tons of beautiful fanart that I still look at often because they make me so happy, so many friendships… some short-lived but others genuine and hopefully long-lasting—and above all, so many amazing memories that I hope I can cherish for years and years.

And that’s really important for me to remember. Truth is, and I don’t even think I fully recognized this until now, but I’ve definitely been struggling with a feeling of failure surrounding TPWCH. And that’s in no way because of, but rather really in spite of all you readers, who have been nothing but supportive, often not just as a fan but as a friend. So that you for that! ^_^ But what can I say, I’m hard on myself. That feeling makes me avoid writing, which only increases the feeling of failure, and so on and so forth.

But putting it all together, I have no idea why it took so long, but I’m finally realizing that the kind of engagement I’m clinging to is just not possible anymore… and not because of any fault of my own. People just… move on. Fandoms ebb and flow (hah). Even I haven’t been nearly as involved in Splatoon as I used to be.

So… I’m going to try to fully let go of that blame and regret. I used guilt to motivate myself, and it worked for a while, but eventually it just burned me out. I used to think it was cliché and dumb, but I really do need to learn to just write for myself and my friends (yes, that includes you!)

So, what’s the plan then?

My plan, for now, is to do something I haven’t done since the very beginning of the fic: create a buffer. My obsession with pushing content the moment it’s ready has not only caused me stressed but also a poorer reading experience for you all.

I’m going to take down the Part 1 Recap. Then, I’m going to keep working on the Part 2 Recap, Chapter #22.5, and Chapter #23. The nice thing about this is that I can work on them in any order I want, or simultaneously! When I finish, likely near the end of the year, I’ll post the Part 1 Recap, Part 2 Recap, Chapter #22.5, and each part of Chapter #23 at regular intervals. That should give me some time to work on Chapter #24 as those are releasing, and we’ll see where things go from there! By then, I’ll be headed to Japan, and who knows what that will be like!

That may feel like a long time away, but don’t fear! I’ll also be posting Sneak Peeks here irregularly, so you can still have a little content to hold you over and keep up the excitement!

Thank you as always to everyone who has had an impact on my life through this fic! You all mean so incredibly much to me 🥹

[the-fae-folk]

I think that the pronoun "fae" makes no absolutely sense. Even though if you perceive yourself as a fairy. It's like... Still identifying with a fairy is questionable, but.... in the case you were a real fairy the pronoun is still non-useful. Pronouns are for genre, not for specie or race. What do you think about?

Personally, I do not really find that it makes much sense to me either. However, there is little harm in letting people use whatever term, title, or label makes them happy. While it can be true that identifying with the folk could be questionable, it need not be a bad thing. While I have spoken extensively on the dangers the fair ones present to mortals in those old tales, there is still so much good that comes from them in other stories. Is it truly so terrible a thing to want to identify with something so complex and wonderful? To wish for something that can surprise us again and again each time we delve deeper into its mysteries? To long for something that can teach us as much about ourselves as it can another culture?

You say that even for a real fairy the pronoun would be non-useful. I disagree on that. While perhaps you or I may not be able to make much use of it, as we cannot find our sense within it, even you cannot deny that others must have found something in it that gave them more than they had before. Else why would they cling so desperately to it? They must see a bit of themselves within it, or at least the self that they wish to become. That seems useful enough to me. Identity is so fickle and strange. Our true names are ever-shifting and dancing as we ourselves grow into new people at every moment. Yet change and the unknown are frightening to many. Being human is so very hard, and so many feel like they may lose themselves to the demanding flow and ebb of the world around them. So they grasp at the things that help them to create the person they wish to be, regardless of the sense or the linguistic rules. It is something they do so that they may create at least one thing to anchor them to the known and the safe, they can craft themselves as they wish to become. Pronouns exist in many forms and types, and in many languages. There are ones that indicate gender, but there are ones that indicate a level of formality, or politeness, inclusiveness or exclusiveness, and which noun phrase you are referring to in a complex sentence. They have so many uses, but the one thing they share is that they are intended to bring some kind of clarity to the language being spoken. So...if we find that we cannot understand, and see no sense in such things, then the question we might ask ourselves is this: Who is this intended to bring clarity to? Is it me? Or is it them? They are using these many odd pronouns like a signpost set to mark the way as they explore the paths of their identity. To help themselves navigate the twisted mazes of the self. Certainly they might ask others they meet to call them by whatever pronouns they have chosen, but that too is so that they might hear you calling and know that it is truly them you have met along the road and not a stranger they do not know how to be and could never wish for. So, in an unexpected way, the nonsense they have crafted out of whimsy and self-discovery has found a sense in itself after all. Unconventional, and certainly unexpected, but perhaps not so bewildering and frustrating as we might believe at a glance.

And even if that is so, perhaps you should reconsider your stance upon the sense and nonsense of life. I have wondered at so many things in this strange and hauntingly beautiful world. Is it so very strange that I have come to believe that not everything must make sense, that not everything must have a well defined purpose? I believe that it is often enough for them to just be as they are, for no reason other than the joy in their existence. There is just as much beauty to be found the nonsense as there is the sense, one only needs to learn how to see.

[venusianpulp]

Hot Take: Human Design

Activated Gates of Authority: 19-49

I feel like it's exponentially hard to find a descriptive analysis on anything related to human design... or at least descriptive enough to satiate my curiosity - so I figured, I cannot be the only one with this problem.

After exxxxxxxtensive research (sorry for delayed inbox responses) I have started to create some content for anyone else curious.

Eventually, I would like to dive into how to use your natal chart with your human design graph to get an entirely, well rounded understanding & innerstanding of who you are, your why's, how's, and so on. They're both connected.

FULL DISCLOSURE - I will be going in an absolutely, nonsensical, and incoherent order. I may start with my own but there is a lot of content I've created to share and I plan on doing it one at a time. Anything in red will be explained in a later post as I continue this content, so don't worry if you aren't entirely versed yet. i hope you ENJOY!

Channel 19-49 is called "The Principle of Revolution". This channel features 2 gates, 19 & 49. The combination of gates creates the channel. 19 is the gate of "wanting", while 49 is the gate of "revolution". It is part of the 39-55/19-49 Definition quadra and is connected to responding, reacting, and taking action.

The channels make up the pathways through which energy flows in your body and impact your personality, talents, and decision-making authority.

If you have or know someone who has an activated 19-49 channel...

As one of your authority channels, 19-49 has a major influence on how you operate and make decisions. This motor channel brings an energetic, active, even rambunctious quality. You likely have a strong inner drive to initiate change, shake things up, rebel against the status quo, and introduce new, experimental, or unorthodox ideas or ways of doing things. You challenge assumptions and may be attracted to fringe topics or revolutionary causes.

People with 19-49 are here to be agents of change and transformation. You have an evolutionary impulse to push boundaries, take risks, and upset established orders. When activated positively, this can catalyze innovation, reforms, breakthroughs, and social or political shifts. Used negatively, it can lead to chaotic, reckless, or even dangerous behavior. Understanding how to harness 19-49 is key.

As an authority, you need to wait for this wave-like energy to come and go rather than constantly riding it. By waiting to respond when 19-49 is "on", you make decisions true to your inner motivations. If you react when it's "off", you may regret choices. Learning this ebb and flow helps moderate extremes.

Channels impact each other, so 19-49 is flavored by your other authorities. But in general, having this motor defined means a dynamic push towards trail-blazing change, often through rebellious action. By understanding the wise and unwise ways this channel manifests and using strategies like waiting, deconditioning, and experimenting slowly, you can utilize 19-49 for positive transformation.

This rebellious energy can attune you to future trends before they become mainstream.

Having 19-49 activated suggests intuitive abilities related to sensing the zeitgeist, reading cultural and sociopolitical undercurrents, and prophesying what revolutionary shifts may be on the horizon. You can be quite skilled at predicting new movements, styles, or paradigms that shake up the status quo.

As a transformer energy, 19-49 may give you the innate capacity to scan both collective thoughtforms and the horizons of what’s possible, almost like an inner radar system attuned to anything progressive, trailblazing, unconventional or on the cutting edge. You can often spot burgeoning worldviews and innovations poised to disrupt accepted norms well before the crowd catches on.

With 19 defined especially, you likely have your finger on the pulse of what people deep down feel dissatisfied with or secretly want to see changed but don't openly talk about due to social programming or consensus trance. Tapping this can make you gifted at giving voice to issues or ideas that have been suppressed or taboo.

As a motor channel connected to informational waves, 19-49 can also download revelatory insights, visions of alternative possibilities or even mystical experiences - especially during periods of change, chaos or social unrest. The revolutionary insight that dawns may hold psychic clues for navigating eras of deep transition.

Having this energy defined can make you powerfully allergic to the status quo. It’s like you have built-in radar for internal or external shifts happening under the surface that signal change is afoot. By reading the signs, listening deep below consensus, and trusting your non-ordinary hunches, you unlock 19-49’s psychic potential to be a prophet of necessary transformation.

Tips for people with this channel:

Here are some tips for how to tap into the ebbs and flows of an activated 19-49 channel in Human Design, to discern if it is activated positively or negatively:

Track your emotional waves. When 19-49 is "on", you will likely feel energized, fired up for change, filled with avant-garde ideas. When it's "off", the revolutionary fever cools into mellowness or even apathy. Noticing these dramatic emotional shifts is key.

Pay attention to synchronicities and omens. The mystic Rainer Maria Rilke spoke of "confirmatory experiences" that validate when you're aligned with your authentic path. Notice what signs, symbols, messages arise when 19-49 is activated. Are they encouraging your radical side constructively?

Check your mental state. Is your mind speculative, imaginative, innovative when 19-49 is on - or scattered, conspiratorial, paranoid? The latter could indicate the channel is distorted. Stay grounded.

Assess your behavior objectively. Is your rebellion or rabble-rousing inspire progressive change or just petty chaos? Are you breaking conventions with purpose or just for shock value? Check your intentions.

Notice physical sensations. Do you feel buzzing inspiration or nervous agitation? Vitality or imbalance? Attune to your body's signals to read 19-49 clearly.

Consider gradual steps. Experiment cautiously when 19-49 is on so you don't risk burnout from overstimulation. Baby steps avoid big regrets!

With awareness and discernment, you can learn to ride the 19-49 wave skillfully, using its psychic gifts for radical yet enlightened change. Analyze the quality rather than quantity to know if you’re dialed in.

[girlfromthecrypt]

First book I finished in 2024

The Glutton by A K Blakemore is a historical fiction novel; a reimagining of the life of the real French soldier Tarare who was said to have an unfathomably large, at times inhuman appetite. This was the first book I finished in 2024, and I finished it in two days over two long sessions. I'm normally anything but a fast reader and I actually haven't finished any of the last three books I purchased before this. My attention is fleeting, hard to be captured and easily lost.

The Glutton captured and held my attention for the entirety of its length.

I had never read anything by A K Blakemore before, so I didn't know what I was in for, but I was immediately charmed by her style. I don't often enjoy flowery language and poetic prose, but somehow, it really worked for me here. The story of Tarare is a gritty, gloomy and at times disgusting one, but even the darkest parts of this book are told in a narrative voice so beautiful that it makes them seem idyllic. This deeply unsettling contrast had me absolutely engrossed until the end, and when I had turned the last page, I was genuinely sad that it was over. Which made for a weird mix of emotions, given how disturbing the subject material was at times.

And I have to underline that it was, indeed, disturbing.

I have consumed a lot of dark literature and am very desensitized. Most of the time, I don't enjoy horrific fiction because the elements contained within strike me as senseless, gratuitive and void of substance. I didn't have that feeling with The Glutton. There was a lot of grittiness, yes, but it was never just for “the effect”. Every time the writing made me feel uneasy, it directly related to the inner world of the protagonist and the circumstances of his life, the current time period and its hardships. And even if it didn't have any kind of meaning, it was still told in such stunning prose that it almost felt romantic. Again, none of the things that happen in this book are comforting or beautiful, but with the way they're being told, it almost deceives you into believing they are.

Another thing that I loved about this was that the prose never seemed overdone or pretentious. It was more like a steady ebb and flow perfectly tailored to any given point in the story. It never seemed out of place or ill-fitting while at the same time being VERY MUCH out of place and ill-fitting, but it was always intentional and highly effective.

After I finished this book, I felt genuinely empty, and I just knew I was going to miss it. Now, a week or so later, I do. I really feel like this book is something special, and I'm definitely going to pick up The Manningtree Witches (also by A K Blakemore) as soon as I get around to it. The Glutton was not only a huge joy (though joy might not be the best word for it) to read, it actually made me want to read more. That's also why I wrote this review in the first place. I hope more people check this out and like it as much as I did.