#it’s been a heavy few days

[druggeddraccus]

um. a lots happened.

4/5–i was sleeping for work and my mom called me at 230p. our neighbor had run over to our house and was banging on our door. her 3yr old daughter was lethargic, not acting right, dizzy, vomiting. neighbor had called 911, and once EMS got there she ran over to ours and my mom called to wake me up. i had no idea what was going on when i ran into their house EMS was bagging her daughter. they took daughter with ambulance and i drove my neighbor and her 11 day old new born to the hospital. i sat with the newborn in the car till the dad got there and then my brother in law drove me home since i had work that night

and then at work that night. god. it was so fucking stressful. way too much adrenaline for one day. i had a lady that was baker acted and she was getting agitated anxious wanting to leave. and she ran out of her room and toward the elevators. i chased after her and didn’t want to grab her by myself cause there wasn’t enough staff around for me to get her safely. one of the docs stopped her and then we got some meds ordered for her. and i was shaking at that point so one of my coworkers gave the med to her for me. after that she slept most of the night.

4/6–better night at work, still had baker act. she was much better this night. still getting angry/anxious but it was okay.

4/7–actually had a good night at work. we had 8nurse on (a rare occurrence—normally it’s 6, and then 7 if we’re lucky). they did destaff one nurse. super lucky though i kept 4 patients throughout the whole night. no admissions i guess everyone decided to stay home lol i got to read “frugal wizards” for a lot of the night it was nice

one thing that fuckign pissed me off my ex emailed me last night just before midnight. this awful emotionally manipulative fucking bullshit email. i pissed me off enough to want to respond. (i didn’t i blocked and deleted the email—but god was i close to it)

from the bullshit email:

“ I've dated two people after everything and honestly it makes me feel sick like I'm cheating on you or something..”

“know you are my soulmate.and knowing I fucked that up between us kills me and makes me feel angry at myself and upset that I did hurt you.”

and i was telling my mom and ashley about it. and it just pissed me off so much because i don’t even feel comfortable trying to pursue a relationship. i’m so full of anxiety that it’ll end up like that one. even though i know better now everything that the relationship was and how awful it was is in the back of my head. my mom suggested counseling and ashley agreed with her but tbh i’ve never even thought of that before. idk that i’d feel comfortable doing that or even if i really need it. idk i’ve never thought of it before but i guess i’ll start thinking about it now.

i’m going to sleep. it’s been heavy.

[cptnbeefheart]

this old world may never change and sometimes i wonder: do you ever think of me?

[lazywriter-artist]

Your honor I love them

My stupid sons…..

[tyrianludaship]

.

[t4tstarvingdog]

trying to find the metaphysical vegetable that may bring me less despair

[waywardstation]

One last store update! After this I will begin sending emails to a subscriber list.

You can input your email of choice for my shop newsletter into this google form here.

A quick summary of some things:

I was unable to finish orders by printing their shipping labels by today, despite what I said last week, because of health issues that had to be addressed instead.

More of my product order was messed up, had enough items to fulfill every order but I’ve been left with ZERO extra stock on a couple items to put into my shop after.

I got enough interest in the Halloween keychains and stickers so I will be making them.

Full explanations below ^^

I have now packed every single order and reviewed all of their contents. However I was unable to send them out today as at some point last week I became very unwell. I’ve been going downhill for a while but it has never gotten to this degree this fast before. I still don’t really know what caused it and so I had been unable to pack over the weekend and couldn’t get all the shipping labels printed for them today.

I will be printing these labels out and taking chunks of the orders to the post office over the next few days.

But the more I’d packed the more I’d realized more of my product order had been messed up. I had ordered extras of everything and yet some of the products that I ordered just BARELY fulfilled every order — I had to use some of the initial samples to fulfill every order but rest assured they are the exact same as the products in size and quality. I have exactly ZERO of some products left over for shop stock when I’d ordered 10-15 extra of every item (as well as TOO MANY of some less popular products that didn’t need all these extras) which sadly means a few items will not be in stock when I open the store back up. I may put discounts on the unwanted extras I received because of this.

While I would expect by default to receive the products in the quantity that I ordered, I also understand that I ordered hundreds of products all in one order, and that is only one order that is being fulfilled out of the many other orders they get daily. I myself did not count out every single product to check because of the sheer amount of everything that was ordered — I had ordered over 500 keychains alone to fulfill the preorders and the entire order has taken up a full room when all spread out. But I still did not count beforehand and would only find out once I’d run out of a certain product, so I accept this is partly my responsibility too. This should not happen again as I never expect to make an order this big again, I had only done this for shop startup, and I will be making another order to restock these products. But it’s still sad it happened.

I apologize for this and I appreciate all of your patience once again. I am explaining all of this as I believe you are owed information about what is going on seeing as you’ve put money into this, and I myself said they would all be sent out by Monday. I just want to be transparent ^^

And one last thing — many of you wanted Halloween merchandise, so I will be moving forward with that! (I’ve decided they will not be glow in the dark though, as I’d have to make every vibrant color instead transparent for the glow to come through, and I believe the designs would suffer too much without these colors)

I have ordered from this manufacturer multiple times before over the years and they’ve always gotten it right with more reasonably-sized orders, so I am confident these will not have the same problems as this preorders period has.

Thank you again very much for your support and understanding up to this point!! <3

[the---hermit]

11|01|2024

I have been feeling the entire spectrum of shrimp emotions multiple times in the span of one single day, this week needs to be cancelled. The idea of chopping off most of my hair is still persistent. Would that solve my problems? Not really, but I could use some a big change of some stor to shake me up a bit. So far the solution to my stress and overall existential crisis has been being wrapped in a blanket and brining my blåhaj around the house with me for emotional support. And honestly reviewing my notes while hugging my blåhaj has made things significantly better.

calm hobbit winter activities and productivity:

read first thing in the morning (I think I managed to read three pages but that's better than nothing)

washed my hair instead of proctastinating it

blasted a feel good playlist in the hopes of improving my mood (and you know what? My teenager self knew better because singing along to All Time Low songs was probably the height of my day)

reviewed all my book notes

started what I believe will be my last outloud review of all the notes I need to know for Monday's exam

allowed myself to stop studying earlier since I have been so tired and stressed and continued my rewatch or the witcher to relax my brain

Irish review on duolingo

📖: A Day Of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon

[warriormoustache]

Got my first shrimp goby pair last week and this is my impression of them so far.

[literaryvein-reblogs]

hello; i just wanted to say i respect you immensely for the resources you publish on a daily basis. i'm sure you have your own motivations for doing so, but if it ever becomes hard for you to manage, please take some time to care for yourself and your health. you are far more important than i feel you give yourself credit for.

You are so sweet, dear Anon. No worries, though! About +90% of my posts on this blog are now queued. It seems like I'm always on here, but I'm not. Usually you can tell I'm here when I answer replies on posts, or messages like this. But sometimes these are queued too. Or is it.

[icewindandboringhorror]

finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh

[housecow]

celebrating hitting 240 with too much wg shake and at least 2 pounds of pasta !!

[zombf]

officially scary looking enough that i got handed a now hiring flyer as i was buying horror movie shirts at a haunted house, completely unprompted loll

[wolfbrawn]

ooc . Thinking about affiliated OCs...

[equalseleventhirds]

it is so late and i am so tired and i haven't even been online much lately, but i've been ruminating abt ttrpgs (as i have endless rumination time at work and on the train, which is 80% of my time anyway)

and abt the like, unreasonable mindset ppl get into abt dnd 5e due to Marketing and also Actual Plays. u kno, that it can Do Anything, that u don't gotta know the rules, that the dm should plan a conventional narrative and u gotta stick to it, that it's for cute queer found families, roleplaying rollplaying bullshit, etc.

and sometimes there's posts from ppl who are outside of that mindset like, wow try another game, but also pls don't bring that mindset to other games we love. u kno.

and maybe i simply spend a lot of time in podcast & streaming circles and also circles of ppl who learned ttrpgs from podcasts & streaming, but, crucially, i don't play d&d

so i meet a lot of ppl who have moved past d&d, right. but. still have that mindset abt their new favorite game(s).

like, 'oh unlike d&d this is actually a queer found family narrative' they say abt a heavily pvp game where u can be queer but it's not about queerness.

'oh unlike d&d you can create a real story' they say, as the gm ignores the handy Make Situations sheet the game comes with and plans a 5-act narrative years in advance.

'oh unlike d&d this game is about ROLEplaying not ROLLplaying' they say, ignoring the social mechanics of the game in order to draw out talky scenes. for character work. for realism. for the story.

'oh unlike d&d this one is so easy to learn' they say, not reading huge and relevant sections of the book until halfway through the session.

i could go on. once i played a kinda weird and poetic indie game with folks whose primary game was motw, and the amount of 'hey this weird and poetic mechanic doesn't make literal sense to me as a character action' haunts me.

and it is immensely frustrating, bcos like.... on the one hand, god i'm glad you're playing something that's not d&d!! that's so important!! on the other hand, you likely learned about this game through an actual play where they (hopefully) used the basic mechanics for stuff, but mostly ran the story like a 5e actual play.

like, i love the adventure zone, but my god you're gonna come out of amnesty or steeplechase with a WILD misunderstanding of the themes and story even a lot of the mechanics of motw or bitd. (both games i like very much. but don't play them like the mcelroys.) or like, god i'm glad the d20 folks are having such fun with kob-adjacent games. but do NOT learn kob from them.

and listening to famous ppl do that to a game i like is one thing. a frustrating thing, to be sure. but participating in a game like this, or even hearing my friends & acquaintances play like this? hateful. makes me grit my teeth and cry. makes me make weirder and weirder game mechanics, which hopefully i'll make into coherent games someday.

anyway, this is all to say, before you start your found family motw game where u will team up with the monsters to save everything and maybe also bigfoot is there, a. stop listening to taz amnesty, b. read, really REALLY read apocalypse world and get a handle on THAT, c. go reread motw and think hard abt it, and d. watch buffy and supernatural a bit. yeah i know they suck. think rly hard abt that scene in buffy where xander chooses not to tell buffy that angel will get his soul back so buffy has to kill her and then no one ever finds out abt that and i HATE that scene but also it's the kind of thing motw was built for, you see.

also play weirder games and adjust ur expectations but whatever.

[dukeofdogs]

You play Witcher 3 for characters and good story, I play Witcher 3 to hear this track and have a cathartic experience while looking at sunflower fields in the sun slowly being moved by the wind with Novigrad emerging somewhere in the distance. We're kinda the same.

[skoulsons]

“Ellie?”

She had kept herself closed off most of the day, doing as much as skipping meals, not sketching, and declining their routine movie night.

Joel turned the knob, opening the door only slightly. “Ellie?”

“What?” She bit. She was around the corner, still in bed.

He bit his cheek. “Can I come in?”

She sniffled, a mumbled yeah from around the corner to let him know it was okay. He entered, keeping the door somewhat open behind him. He found her on her back, covers pulled up to her shoulders as she stared at the ceiling, counting imaginary stars.

The look on her face was a sure sign, as any, that things were not good.

He sat by her feet, the corner of the mattress sinking down as he sat, her feet following suit and lightly falling against his lower back.

“Do you need something?”

Joel inhaled and exhaled. He kept his hands awkwardly in his lap. “I wanted to check up on you.”

“Why? I’m fine,” she grumbled, eyes still glued to the ceiling.

“You sure?”

She wasn’t. She knew she wasn’t fine. Every possible thought about Joel, Tommy, Maria, Riley, Sam, or Henry that wasn’t positive made its way to the forefront of her brain, twisting everything she knew about them. Making her believe things that she was sure weren’t true. Convincing her of truths that were hard to shake.

Everything is still so new to them. Young and needing navigation and direction. Their relationship and being together now, no plan in sight of leaving or disregarding the other.

She has someone in her life now who cares about her. Who has cared about her for over a year. Someone who dedicates every single day to being present. Who always makes breakfast for the two of them. Someone who holds her when she cries and who lifts her up even higher when she’s happy. Who carries her to bed when she needs it and finds her new comics when he’s outside the walls. Who protects her at every moment and encourages her to eat and shower when she struggles.

Someone who loves her.

And that revelation is what makes these days even harder.

“Hey…” he nudged, turning his body slightly more towards her. “What’s goin’ on, baby?”

Ellie sighed, closing her eyes tightly, waves of colors forming in the black of her vision the harder she squeezed. She opened them, her eyesight wavering as tears pooled at her eyelids. The imaginary stars on the ceiling kept her gaze, still avoiding Joel’s concern.

“Today just… hasn’t been good.”

And while he knew it, hearing it from her still hurts to know. Whatever happened, it hurts to know she’s struggling.

“I think it’s been little worse than hasn’t been good.” It felt inappropriate to point out her near crying and the tight-lipped expression on her face in an attempt to keep her emotions at bay.

“I’m just… having fucked up thoughts,” she sighed, tracing all the constellations she knew into the white of the ceiling.

Joel didn’t say anything. In all honesty, he didn’t know what to say.

Neither of them were the best at talking. Sharing something that pissed them off, frustrated them, or upset them and navigating that conversation in a healthy manner always felt like forcefully pulling teeth before they ever broke the surface of the gums.

Joel hopes his silence is an invitation for her to continue. He wants to help, to walk through what bothering her with her.

“I…,” she started, choking slightly on the syllable. “I feel like people don’t care. They don’t care, they don’t…love.”

Joel tilted his head to the side, eyeing her avoidant gaze.

Ellie brought her hand up and wiped it across her right temple. Her voice wavered, her lip quivering as she spoke, “me.”

Joel had an inclination, but hearing it still hurt all the same.

“I feel like people…” she paused, sniffled heavily. She lazily raised her arm off the bed in his direction, “you… don’t.”

Frustrated, Ellie sat up, her back making content with the headboard harder than she intended. She locked eyes with him momentarily before avoiding his gaze again, fixing hers around the room. Her dresser, a heap of clothes on the floor, her blinds, and the open door.

She stopped keeping her head upright and let the crown of her head fall back, banging against the headboard. She sighed, a wet, embarrassing laugh escaping her. “I… I know. I know you do. I do. But sometimes, I just… get convinced you don’t.”

She fiddles with her hands in her lap as her tears threaten to spill over, Ellie massaging her fingers and cracking her knuckles, even with nothing left to crack. She picks at her cuticles and nails uncomfortably, clearing her throat to get rid of the tight burning that has coated it.

“What convinces you?” Joel asked, his eyes looking twenty years younger—like he’s talking to someone else entirely. Like he’s held a similar conversation before.

His question stumps her.

And she realizes it’s nothing. Nothing has ever convinced her. Nothing could convince her that Joel doesn’t care about her. Nothing could ever truly convince her that Joel doesn’t love her.

He may get frustrated over something. He may be extra tired some days. He may spend a little more strength some days fighting his own demons that it’s hard to be there 100% for her.

But those things don’t mean he doesn’t love her. They don’t mean he wouldn’t lay down his life for her at any given moment. They don’t mean he doesn’t look at her with anything less than adoration, devotion, and appreciation for who she is. Who she is and what she has come to mean to him.

“Have I ever done anything-“

She cut him off. “No. No, no. Fuck no, never.” She threw the crown of her against the headboard again, a few tears spilling down the side of her face and flowing along her jawline. She hastily wiped them away, clearing her throat.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess I… don’t think I deserve it or something. So I look at you or Tommy or I… I remember Riley or Sam or anyone else and I… I think they don’t—didn’t care.”

She knows they do. Riley—she knows. Sam she knows. Henry, too. Tommy and Maria—she knows. Joel—he she knows better than any of the others.

“I remember them or I…” she brought her head down from her gaze on the ceiling and looked at him, clearly, for the first time. “I look at you and I wonder why.”

She cries. Her lips pressed together, not enough breath in her lungs to combat the tears falling down her face and slipping down her neck, soaking the collar of her shirt. She wipes and wipes and wipes until her tear-soaked hands can’t catch anymore and they flow freely. She dries her hands on her sheets and it’s still not enough to catch every single one.

Joel moves quickly, his right hand lightly on her shin as he reaches his left out towards her, keeping it held right above her lap for her to feel.

She can barely see, and yet she reaches out, knowing he’s there. Trusting he’s there.

She grabs his left hand with her right, holding it until her knuckles turn white and it hurts. Until it stings and her fingers go numb. Until her hand shakes and the blood flow is cut off from her fingertips.

He moves his right hand from her shin to press a fist into the mattress on the other side of her, scooting himself closer to her. He settles closer to her, bringing his right hand up her shoulder and eventually finding its home on her cheek. He strokes his thumb across it, more tears falling as she leans into it. She turns her head into it, her lips in his palm as he continues wiping her tears.

He pulls his hand back from her face and brings it to her other cheek, sliding his knuckles across to clear the streaks of tears. He returns his hand back to her other cheek, lightly scratching at the roots of her hair on the back of her neck.

Ellie grabs the collar of her shirt with her left hand, wiping the snot from her nose and using any drier part of her shirt to dry her neck and chin.

Joel lifts his left hand to bring up to her face, but a mumbled, snotty no keeps it in her lap, Ellie still clutching it.

She continues to sniffle, finally opening her eyes to see Joel looking back at her, a streak down the left side of his face, right by his ear.

“I’m sorry,” she says, quickly averting her gaze from his.

He smiles slightly, rubbing those all-comforting circles with his thumb over hand. He brings his hand up from her cheek as she closes her eyes, using two fingers to drag hairs down her forehead and tuck them behind her ear.

They didn’t need to be tucked away—but the affection always comforts her.

She takes his right hand in her left, bringing it down into her lap next to their other hands. She watches their hands intently as she rubs circles on his with her right hand and he rubs circles on hers with his right.

“Hey,” he whispers, trying to get her attention. It does, and she looks up at him. The tug on the corner of his lips reaches his eyes. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“No it’s… it’s stupid. I shouldn’t be crying over something I know isn’t true…”

“You know it’s not true?”

She inhales a shaky breath and exhales one just as heavy. She focuses on it, keeping any other tears down as best she can through controlled breathing.

“Yeah. Yeah I… I know.” She pauses for another breath. “But sometimes it’s… fucking difficult. I don’t…” she hesitates, shaking slightly, “I don’t want to look at you and wonder why.”

She chokes, wiping her cheek on the shoulder of her shirt. She feels her back against the headboard and adjusts slightly, rolling her shoulder blades over it.

She looks up at him. His eyes still hold that twenty-year-old look. They glisten because of the tears gathered in them, and the loving smile that hasn’t quite reached his lips has already hit his eyes.

“I’ll remind you. Every day, if I have to—if you want me to. Even if you don’t, I might jus’ have to-“

She laughs—giggles—at that. He laughs too, the kind of laugh that resides deep in his chest. The one that sounds better through his rare toothy smile. The laugh she only hears so often. The laugh when he thinks he’s done something right. The almost triumphant laugh when he seems to have cheered her up.

Ellie smiles, watching his own unwavering smile. “You can, if you think about it. I mean, I won’t expect it every day. If you forget some days, it’s fine. I’m not-”

“Ellie.”

“Sorry.”

Joel takes note of her. The dried tears along her cheeks. Her red and puffy eyes. The way her nose is red. The soaked collar of her shirt.

He doesn’t want to see her like this again. Not over thoughts like this.

“Will reminding you help? You know… keep thoughts like this away?”

She opens her mouth to speak, but it hits her that she doesn’t know. She’s never been positively reminded, certainly not daily, that someone cares for and loves her. No one’s been constant enough to tell her the truths she missed out on as a child. No one’s stuck around long enough for them to mean anything. No one has ever loved her enough to say them and mean them. Nothing other than doubt, hesitation, or reluctance has followed such reminders.

“I don’t know. I think, I… I hope. I don’t know, I’ve… never had someone who did something like that.”

He doesn’t frown at the thought, but his smile fades. Sadness, disbelief at the thought, the truth that she’d never had this before. “Well… we can try it out. You can tell me if you hate it ‘n we can try something’ else.” He smiled again as he rubbed more circles along her hands. “Sound fair?”

She smiles, tears welling at her eyes again. One spills over, Ellie fervently nodding in response to Joel’s question before too many more tears follow.

He lets go of her left hand and opens his arm up, welcoming her in. She scoots into him, tucking her body against him. She lets her legs freely fall into his as she leans against his body, his right arm coming across her back and holding her shoulder tightly. She keeps her face hidden away as best she can in the crook of his neck and shoulder. Her right hand finds the bottom of his shirt, rubbing the fabric back and forth between her fingers.

Joel kisses her head, leaving his lips pressed into her hair briefly. “I just… I don’t want this to become something you know is true. Cause it ain’t.”

“It won’t. I… I know it’s not true.”

He kisses her head again, a muffled good reverberating through her. He rubs her upper arm a few times.

“Come here,” he says, letting go of her shoulder and standing up.

She smiles shyly, standing up and wasting no time to hold on to him, her arms wrapping around his middle and settling behind his back. She rests her ear right over his heart, the thump-thump drowning the world out. Drowning her thoughts. Her feet stand in between his, Ellie attempting to get as close to him as she can.

Joel, just like every time before and every time to come after, keeps a steady hand across her back and one behind her head, carefully threading his fingers through her hair. He tilts his head down, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.

He sways them gently, covering her back in hand-drawn lines, circles, and a myriad of other shapes. “This is your first reminder.”

She giggles at that.

Something bubbles in her chest. A fire. Butterflies—as cheesy as she thinks that is—it fits. It tickles, in a way. It reaches her finger tips and warms her skin. It helps her breathe easier and keeps her heartbeat beat in rhythm with his. It slows her thoughts and relaxes her shoulder. It lets her relax completely against his embrace.

The reminder is there. The reminder of his care and protection, no matter what. The reminder of the steadfast, uncompromising, sacrificial love that he has for her.