#it’s a quarter to 1 and ​everyone is asleep right now but my mom

[mabelsguidetolife]

the mental illness is hitting right now……..

[mydriases]

Headmaster’s daughter facing a beast

Anon asked: Thanks for making my headmaster's daughter scenario it was awesome. If I can request a part 2 where there is a dangerous beast loose(like a chimera or a dragon) and she tames it and the reactions of the dorm leaders and pround papa bird(Crowley)?

Thanks everyone for the 200+ subs! I didn't post anything for a week because I was working on this request (which is almost a series for me now, I won't lie), and since a lot of you liked the first part, I thought it would be a good way to thank all of you.  💘 Btw, can I do a more obvious title? Words: 7k Read the part 1 here

Morning light comes through the window and lits up your office. You take advantage of the quarter of an hour you have left before going to class to revise your notes -so that you don't get your fingers slapped by Mr. Trein-. As Riddle has told you many times before : as the first female student of Night Raven and daughter of the headmaster, you had to be a model student. It don't bother you, you are doing well academically and can keep up with the work pace.

Even so, you would be lying to yourself if you said that everything is perfect. The school life itself is really nice but it is disturbed by the rumors that reach your ears when the students are not discreet enough. In itself, it is nothing, only futile discussions, but to see your place questioned is never pleasant. Although many supported you with a kindness sometimes too forced to be true, others excluded you in an obvious way.

It’s sad to admit but you can understand. Among all the girls in the world you were chosen and, conveniently, you were Crowley’s daughter. Besides, it’s not like there aren’t schools for girls here and there. Actually, you took the entrance exam for one of them and passed with flying colors. You would have gone there if the first day of school a carriage had not been waiting outside your house.

You remember perfectly : your neighbors were waiting around it, and you could tell by their stunned expressions that it was what you thought it was: the famous carriage that led to Night Raven. In front of your house, the dark beauty of the alloy was laughing at you. It whispered deceitful words that meant: it is not you that I have come for, you will not see your father again, you are not good enough. Your throat would form a knot at the thought that it was there for someone else.

Then, through your blured eyes, you saw a teenager approaching the carriage. You recognized him, he was an old classmate of yours. He was an excellent magician, the Mirror of Darkness had made a good choice, right ? No. You didn't know him personally, but the way he used to mock you because of your quietness was embedded in you and was saying that he didn’t earn the right to go there.

Bitterness filled your mouth as the boy's hand clung to the door handle. You were sure you were going to remember the self-satisfied expression on his face for the rest of your life. That the exclamations of joy from his family and the other neighbors would haunt your nightmares. He was a good magician, that didn't take away the fact that he didn't deserve to go to Night Raven. You didn't know that person so well, but envy gnawed at your heart and prevented you from thinking of anything else but this word: why? Why couldn't the carriage have come for you?

You came down from the stoop, opened the gate and found yourself a few meters from him. Surrounded by all the other onlookers, you watched as the boy was approaching the gate. You felt your pulse rate skyrocket as he moved his hand in its direction. That's it, he was going to cross it.

But nothing happened. His hand bumped into the reflective surface. No one had time to react as a voice from beyond the grave echoed through the carriage:

"You are not the person we came for."

The silence took over the crowd and you dared to start breathing normally again. The hope that left the boy's body rose into the air and filled you. The carriage was in front of your house, the boy was the only teenager in your adjoining neighbors. Maybe, you could rightfully hope.

He went down the running board with his head low, pride had no place left on his face. No one said a word. Confused silence reigned for what seemed like an eternity. Then, he lifted his head and his fiery gaze fell on you.

"It’s you, isn’t it ? It came for you. Must be nice to be dad’s girl, I can’t relate sorry."

The fire of his gaze spread through the crowd and lit fires that you would have liked to see extinguished. You didn't know what to say. How could you explain that it wasn’t the case, that his statement was false when you were not even sure yourself ? You didn’t see your father since a year and your mother didn’t receive much news, maybe he decided on a whim to cheat your way into Night Raven. You didn’t know, you didn’t know anymore.

"What the hell you’re saying, loser ! Night Raven never had a female student before, you think he’ll get away with that easily !" yelled someone at him.

You turned over the origine of the voice and saw with surprise the person who just defended you. A girl, who looked older than you, had stepped forward and looked at the boy in disgust.

" Shut up ! You seriously think the miror made a mistake ? Her and I are the only ones in age to go to Night Raven in this place !"

"Poor child, maybe the mirror realized you were worthless and went back on its choice. I must say she'd make a much better addition than you, girl or not."

Your were getting involved and it was gonna get out of hand sooner or later. Still, no words could come out of your mouth. At least, you now remembered who the girl was : when you were a child, your mother used to hang out a lot with another mother from the neighborhood. They would take care of each other child when the other needed to do something important. The girl was the daughter of that woman.

That still doesn’t explain why she would help you, you two didn’t know each other anymore. But she went ahead and took your side. You had watched with admiration this girl who had more self-confidence than you ever had. She turned to you :

"I don’t know. But everybody will know if a girl enrolls in Night Raven, right ? So we’ll end up knowing the truth one day or another."

The crowd, made up of so many familiar faces, seemed to take the fact that the coach had come for you as truth. Hesitant hands patted you on the back and voices congratulated you, but the majority of people were perplexed. The murmurs of the discussions buzzed in your ears and made you deaf to the meaning of the sounds you were hearing. Your hands were clammy, your throat was dry, and your heart drummed again and again in your chest, threatening to pierce it at every moment. You wanted to leave, you wanted to go back in your house and never see the light of the day again.

The girl. The daughter of your mom’s friend. You could see her walking towards you, she was going to force you to go through the "door" . You were not ready. You felt the intense need to push her away when she grabbed your wrists with her hands.

"Breathe in and out, girl. Show them what you're worth. It's been a long time since we've seen your dad in this town, say hi to him for us."

Your father. You haven't spent much time with him thoses past years. He'd come back for the holidays, but he'd always leave in the end. He often told you the stories of the students of the school when he would come back. He must be waiting for you beyond the door.

"I’ll… I’ll tell him, thank you for helping me."

"You’re welcome. Don’t worry we’ll explain everything to your mother."

You climbed into the coach and went through the "door".

Then the void overwhelmed you. All that followed was a flurry of fuzzy memories. Your senses went numb and your consciousness was lost in a fog, time seemed to have stopped. You don’t recall how it felt to be in that state, only the feeling of your body melting and dripping remained.

What seemed to have lasted both a whole year and a minute ended when your father opened the door. His big hands had caressed your cheeks and his arms had embraced you when your legs collapsed. It had been so long since anyone had shown you affection that you almost let your eyes water.

He guided you to his office and let you sit in his chair like you used to do when you came to visit. From the other side of the desk, he explained that transportation problems had occurred and caused some complications. You were still in a state of extreme fatigue and his words were taking a long time to make sense, although the word complication resonated in your head. You didn’t like that, you already had enough problems.

Noticing your state, he led you to his bedroom and told you that just for this night you could sleep there, he had works to do anyway. Though, he told you that tomorrow you should join a domitory and get a proper room. His voice lost clarity as you felt asleep.

You woke up alone the next morning. The diziness had disapeared and you almost could have thought that all you had been through was just a dream if a uniform wasn’t waiting for you on a chair. The expensive cloth slipped through your hands and its blackness seemed to bled in the darkness of the room. There was no more color than this black on the uniform which meant that you’ll be spared to be the only person sporting the ceremonial robe -and also that you’ll have your dormitory sorting-.

You showered, put on your new clothes and waited for approximately fifteen minutes before your father came to pick you up. What followed will likely stay with you forever. As you walked behind your father, you listened as he told you the surprise he had when he found out that his dear daughter was going to be the first girl at Night Raven. He explained that he was leading you to the dorm leader meeting he gathered just for the occasion.

The next events are still cristal clear in your memory. Your father asking dramatically

the dorm leaders to take care of you, the introductions of everyone and, obviously, the moment you said your name in front of the Mirror of Darkness. The latter left its mark on you the most.

You had never seen the Mirror before this moment. Floating by magic, the face in its centre was looking at you without really seeing you. Behind you, the dorm leaders and the headmasters had formed a semi-circle which added undesired solemnity to the ambiance. Their gazes weighed on your back and didn’t put you at ease. You will be fine said Idia, show them what you're worth said your defender. You took your steps thinking of theses sentences.

"It is thee… reveal thy name."

There was a deathly silence in the room as you stuttered your name.

"The shape of thy soul… harmonizes with the spirit of Scarabia."

So that was now official, you were now part of Night Raven and of Scarabia. The Mirror of Darkness had consented so no one could object.

"Well, it'll make it easier to invite you to the banquets", rejoiced Kalim under the hostile gaze of your father. "If you’ve joined Scarabia it means you're very resourceful, I can't wait to see where it takes you. Anyway, we need to find you a room. Hum, our only free room is not cleaned, would you mind sleeping in my room for one n-"

"The room will be ready before tonight, interrupted your father while staring icily at your dorm leader. Now, congralutations angel ! I’m so proud of you, your new life in Night Raven can really start now. I’ll let Mr Al-Asim explains you what you need to know, you can also come and ask me directly if you’re more at ease with me. Here is your magical pen."

He gave you your pen adorned with a grey crystal tinged with purple and winked at you.

"It's not exactly by the book, but I thought it would be a nice gift to give you the first magical pen I had"

And that was how you became a student at one of the most prestigious schools of magic. You never really had a clear explanation for the fact that you were the only girl chosen by the Mirror or for the state of trance that followed your transportation. All of which led to you to start the school year a bit late, which didn't help to go unnoticed.

You think about all of that as you’re walking to class. You really depended on Kalim and the others dorms leaders back then. You often needed directions or an explanation of how the school lifestyle worked. That is usually the kind of thing you ask friends or acquaintances, the fact is that it's hard to connect with people when you're shy and trying to escape the over-attention you've been subjected to for weeks. So, when you were in desperate need of help, you called the only people you knew a minimum of. It’s taken you forever to press the "call" button but at least, when it was done, you knew what you had to do. They probably didn't mind either, because your calls were only left unanswered a few times. Idia was of course always present and more comfortable on the phone than when you first met him, Riddle had to obey the duty of being dorm leader so he always answered, Leona went straight to the point but answered, Vil was the same, Azul was generally busy and Malleus seemed strangely pleased to chat with you, as if it was entertaining him to talk about your boring old life. And how forget Kalim? He was always by your side since you joined Scarabia, so much that you almost wondered if your father hadn't ordered him to watch over you, although if he had, Jamil would have made a better choice.

As you take out your notebooks to prepare yourself for the long hour ahead, you tell yourself that you would give a lot to go back to Scarabia's lounge and have fun with the animals that were basking there. They were probably the main reason you were so happy to be in that dorm. No offense, but Kalim's banquets... let's just say you've never seen one. His invitations have remained unanswered, and it was probably for the best. And the people ? You felt good with the dorm leader and the vice dorm leader but with the other students it was different. Their eyes stuck to your skin, like the sand of the surrounding deserts, and there was nothing more unpleasant.

"Miss Crowley, if you would be so kind as to pay more attention to my lecture, it would be my pleasure. Unless I'm boring you?"

The whole class turns its attention to you and you lower my head in shame.

"No, sir. I’m sorry, I… I’ll pay more attention."

"Good."

You hate how your last name sounds between his lips. Those syllables have never brought such a feeling of unease until now. You don't even know anymore if it's you who's going crazy or if every person voluntarily insists on that name when they call you. You just want them to call you by your first name.

You were going to take your pen to write down the new dates written on the board but a feeling of discomfort runs down your back. With your head still down, only your gaze travels through the classroom until you meet the green eyes of your observer. Sebek's pale, expressionless face appears in your field of vision. There's no animosity in him, yet you can't hold his gaze. You wonder if he thinks you disgrace your father, or Malleus, by your actions.

Sebek looking away, you start to pay close attention to the class, writing down everything even if your wrist starts to get tired. Only Mr. Trein's voice pierces the silence that weighs on the students. You want this class to end soon so you can move on to the next one. If you could skip the breaks and the lunch, everything would be fine. It's not that Kalim or Jamil's company bothers you, but the fact that you can't go unnoticed anywhere is bothersome.

It's like having your wish granted when a staff member enters the classroom.

"Excuse me for disturbing you in the middle of class, but I'm here to inform you that the evacuation plan has just been initiated. The bell will ring in a few minutes and in the meantime we're informing you that the regulatory procedure must be followed."

One moment the surprise appears on Mr. Trein's face, only to be replaced the next by a frightening indifference. He opens his mouth to answer, but the man has already left.

"All right, everyone please follow me in a line to the Hall of Mirrors. I don't want to hear from any of you, so save your questions for later."

The seriousness of the situation spread among the students who remain silent. In spite of the teacher's words, the students pack up their belongings before hurrying to follow the others out of the room. With a nervous step you follow your classmates in the corridor where other classes are already on their way to the Hall of Mirrors. You look on unfamiliar faces for a trace of understanding, but all you see is a general confusion.

At the front, Sebek is turning his head around like he's looking for someone. Sliding between the students of your class, you approach him and pull on his sleeve. His gaze that waltzed between the students lays on you but, as you were going to speak, a strident ringing resonates between the walls of the corridor. Before it's even over, he makes a gesture that orders you to stay silent. We’ll know later, he seems to say.

Forced to follow the movement of the mass, you shut up and stay by Sebek's side while the sweat runs down your forehead. He continues his search and you begin to do the same, your gaze passing nervously from person to person. The dorm leaders have to be there, it's their job to manage the students in their dorm. You're almost tempted to call Kalim, but now is really not a good time.

"-We will enter the hall, from there I count on you to follow the orders of your dorm leader and enter your domitory calmly. Some of the dorm leaders are absent, so please follow the directions of the staff in that case." a voice you don’t recognize says.

Your class comes in and you starts looking for someone who can give you answers. In the middle of the room you think you recognize your father's silhouette. You walk towards him but a firm hand grabs your arm and prevents you from continuing.

"The mirror that leads to Scarabia's dormitory is not in this direction." remarks Sebek

"I...I know, I want to go see my father"

"You're picking the wrong time."

You're too intimidated to respond anything when a familiar voice comes up:

"Let her go, Sebek. I need to talk to Mr. Crowley, she can come with me. Join the others, Lilia is already taking care of the students."

As if struck by lightning, Sebek lets go of your arm and turns in a flash towards Malleus. He hesitates, turns towards you, and finally leaves under the keen gaze of Diasomnia's leader. The latter, after making sure that Sebek is joining the others, starts to make his way in the crowd with no problem. Impressed and astonished by what has just happened, you quickly follow Malleus' great strides, using his wake to make your way. In a few seconds you're standing next to your father who’s giving orders to various strangers.

"Sir, it seems like your daughter would like to tell you something" interrupts Malleus.

Your father is quick to notice the imposing stature of the man at your side, his gaze slides towards you. Before you can even say something he speaks up :

"Sorry, I don’t have time to talk with you right now, darling."

"Dad, please, why the evacutation plan has been initiated ? Surely, I...I can make myself useful !"

"You’re a student, young lady, you don’t have to know this kind of thing. Everything will be explained later. Now please, I will feel better once I know you are in security."

"I understand, but please, I have to do something! Why are we leaving the school?" you insisted

"That’s enough ! I told you to g-"

"There’s a feral beast who has gone out of control, and it is on school grounds."

Malleus’ calm voice stopped your father mid-sentence. From his altitude, he observes you with curiosity. Before you or your father can answer him, he goes on:

"The first time we met, you seemed constantly uncomfortable, you still do. However, it’s crystal clear that you want -that you always wanted- to prove yourself. I heard that you’re quite good with animals, even with the beasts. Surely, you’ll be able to help though you’re still quite young…Kingscholar ! Can you lead her to the beast ? I’m sure that with your keen sense of smell it will be no problem for you."

Nothing make sense anymore. The dorm leader of Diasomnia is helping you. On the other side of the Hall you see Leona already on his way, he’s mumbling something under his breath. Leaving before your father can hold you back, you whisper :

"Why ?"

"I told you the first time we met : I want to see your skills in action."

You ran out of the room and away from your father.

In the corridors, you follow Leona, and in complete silence. You two haven't exchanged a word, if you take away Leona's constant grumbling which can be summed up as: "Malleus doesn't have to give me orders", "why would they take a kid to the front ?", "for once I wasn't going to have class even though I came; I could have slept in peace".

On your side, you didn’t say anything because you are scared of losing heart. You want to be useful, you want to not be seen as the Headmaster’s daughter anymore. It is time to show them.

"I can smell your fear. You stink." smirks Leona.

Oh well, it’s been long since the last time you wanted to bury yourself six feet under.

"I’m sorry, I can’t really help it. I don’t know what to expect, you know, how exactly the beast will be and all."

"Why did you come in the first place if you're already trembling just imagining what's waiting for you ?"

He didn't say that in a mocking tone, but it touches on sensitive points that you want to ignore. You didn't think much when you ran to your father. You wanted to make yourself useful, help others as best as you could, you wanted your dad to trust you enough to tell you what was going on, yes ; but you didn't want to fight.

"It’s dumb...I...I want everyone to acknowledge my skills. I can’t stand to be « Crowley’s daughter » anymore !" you hissed the last part, an unknow rage burning in you.

When Malleus had trusted you by revealing that a beast was in the school grounds, your heart skipped a beat. Beasts, that was your specialty. Malleus knew it and he gave you a chance to help. You're full of gratitude and you don't want to disappoint him.

Leona doesn’t answer, you almost wonder if you've shocked him. But he suddenly turns to you:

"You think it will change anything ? You can prove you’re strong, but in the end people will find a way to compare you to your father. Your efforts will be reduced to genetics, or to a privileged education. You can try to contradict them, but people like to put others in boxes."

You are surprised by his practical tone, you can tell he is trying to warn you. Still, you don’t want to listen to this kind of speech. You want to hear that you’ll make it, that they will see you for what you are.

"They don’t know who I am, they have their idea but that’s what it is : an idea. Nothing more than an illusion. I can’t change the fact they will never know who I am really, but I can change the box. I’ll...I’ll switch boxes. I’ll be the one who’s capable, who must be respected. I will not be the resigned person anymore."

You two stopped walking. You are looking at each other, it may only be on your side, but you feel a mutual understanding in spite of your awkward words. You feel that this time he won't contradict you.

"At first I thought you were, uh, sorry for the term, dull. I realize that I was wrong." embarrassed, you blush a bit at his words.

"I guess we all put other people in boxes, it’s fine" you mumble under his intense gaze.

You quickly start to walk again, hoping he'll follow you, which he does his laughter echoing on the walls. Your cheeks are burning as he catches up with you in a few strides. It's not just his confession that makes you blush, it's also what you didn't say. Unconsciously, you didn't have a good idea of Leona yourself. You resented him for not trying harder, you saw in him what you feared to become on day. Someone who had given up who, faced with too many failures, has not been able to continue. You didn't know what he had faced, but you recognized yourself in him and you were afraid. Afraid of him, afraid to look at youself and not being able to hold up your own gaze.

But here, the morning light coming through the windows. In the religious silence of the empty corridors. In his company. You tell yourself he’s a lot more than you thought he was. You want to tell him too, but you don’t know how to express what you’re feeling, so you keep silence and let this moment sink in.

You look ahead and think you're on the right path. Maybe it's crazy to go up against a beast, but you're not alone, and you've almost forgotten that. You wonder where the others are, the impulse to get your phone out to get news is strong. In the Hall of Mirrors, you saw the Heartslabyulst students lined up perfectly which probably came from Riddle’s presence ; you saw too the Ignihyde students hurrying back to their domitory, perhaps Idia was one of them. Were the others fighting already ?

You try to pay attention to every sound -though you know Leona would notice before you do if something was approaching-. It seems the talk with the lion calmed you down because you notice that you pulse calmed down. Your hands are still clammy, though. You never noticed how gloomy the atmosphere of an empty school is. You really don't feel comfortable there, especially knowing that danger is approaching with every step.

Leona comes to a sudden halt, raising his arm to block your path. His ears are pricked up and all his senses seem to be alert. You hold your breath and wait.

"I know where they are : the schoolyard. I heard a shout, let’s go. "

It was about time. Quickly you enter the last corridor that will lead you to the beast and the others. Your heart beats in your ears and you see red. Leona heard a scream, is anyone hurt? In several strides you'll know. Anger and fear turn your stomach as you almost start to run. Coming in like a cannonball isn't going to help anyone, especially if they have the upper hand on the beast.

Daylight dazzles you, but hearing don’t deveive: they're there.

You notice the beast first. It stands on its hind legs, its angular body in plain sight. Sharp, black claws plough the ground, while its tail flaps in the air like a furious cat. Saliva drips from its mouth and, like acid, kills the vegetation on which it falls. It's not a normal beast, something's wrong.

In front of the creature, their magic pencils as their only weapons, Vil and Azul are in a defensive position. Behind the beast, a shadow sneaks in discreetly, you suspect that it’s Kalim who‘s trying to take the creature by surprise. At this distance, it's hard to tell if one of them is injured or not.

By observing more closely, you notice other people hidden in the scenery. A multitude even. From the treetops, in the upper floors. Some of Night Raven staff members who had been waiting for several minutes for the beast to be brought into the yard by the dorm leaders. At that moment you understand that as soon as they will retreat, the beast will be executed by the flood of magic that will come rushing towards it.

You take one step forward, the first one that would have been followed by several others faster and faster in order to create a barrier between the beast and the prefects, in hopes of stopping the fight. But Leona's grip on your shoulder is holding you back.

"They’re fine, the situation is in control, they’re tired but not badly hurt I think."

That’s good, but that’s not the issue. They’re going to kill a beast in the middle of the school,  in front of you. You don't want to see this. All your life you've loved the creatures of the world you were born into. You've tried to understand their behavior so you could tame them better. A beast would never have come to Night Raven on its own, it would have stayed on its territory unless one of its children was abducted or if it was totally disoriented. Besides, how did it get in so easily ? Does that mean it beat the guards ? Given the field of magic you feel running through the area, it's likely.

"There’s something wrong with the beast. I need to get closer so I could understand the situation and help it."

"And you're going to interrupt when the mission's about to be successful?" he stops a moment and observes you reaction, you make a point of keeping a determined expression. "Eh, suit yourself."

His hand lets go of your shoulder and you’re free to move forwards. You don’t waste time and rush to Vil and Azul. A voice orders you to turn back to safety but you ignore it. If they try to restrain you, there's a good chance they'll end up hurting you. So you have a chance to reach your goal.

The closer you get, the more magic flows through your body in an electrifying feeling. You’re now able to see that the silhouette behind the beast was indeed Kalim’s. You catch his eyes and, as you keep running, you see his expression crumbles and turns into one of pure distress. Vil and Azul too, just noticed your presence, but it’s too late for them to stop you. You’ll think about your excuses later.

"What are doing here ! I thought you were with the others, go back before it hurts you !" Azul exclaims

"Don’t attack, I can calm it, I swear !"

"Are you out of your mind ? This beast isn’t in its normal state, it almost hurt us badly ! You’re only a first grade, go away !" yells Vil at you.

They won’t listen, in a way you think they are right, you’re not strong enough to face the beast. However, if you play your cards right, no one will be hurt. If you don’t, well, this is a risk you're willing to take in order to help this creature. Your mother would probably tell you that you’re still putting your well-being in danger so as to help inferior beings, that it’s all good to be altruistic but that you have to be selfish to be happy in life. She may be right. But those animals are your life, as dramatic as that sounds. They are your second family, the one that gave you a reason to keep studying and you will not abandon them.

Despite your arrival, the boys manage to keep the beast's attention on them. You feel the weight of Kalim's gaze on you, you’re sure that he doesn't approve of what you’re doing but that he will have your back. The beast is now at only a few steps from you, you need to calm down and apply what you've learned.

You focus on your breathing and try to forget about the black claws that could shred at any moment. For a while, you bring up memories of happy moments: the summer picnics with your parents, when you finally managed to chat with a doe, when you spent an evening chatting with Idia on the phone and you both felt that feeling of mutual understanding, when Kalim showed you pictures of the animals from his home country, when Riddle helped you solve a problem and you were shoulder-to-shoulder, when Azul let you order whatever you wanted at the Mostro Loungue after you beat him at an animal language test, when Vil combed your hair one morning when you didn't have the courage to get ready, when Leona understood you and when Malleus gave you a chance.

You lift up your hand and let the magic flows in you.

"Outpouring of empathy" you mumur.

Your unique magic allows you to transmit what you feel to the being of your choice. It took you a long time to realize this ability because it was hard to discern. At first you thought it was just a normal reaction, a basic form of empathy present in every living being. Then, one euphoric day when you went shopping, the salesman let you leave without paying. The miser who, because he felt "good", hadn't asked you for a single coin; there was no room for doubt anymore.

Your power also manifests itself by making others feel emotions without you experiencing them. But this side is unstable and, in the present situation, could be very dangerous for you and your friends, so that’s a better idea to stay in your comfort zone.

You see that the beast is beginning to sense you intrusion. It starts to get more and more agitated and its drool starts to foam. The boys keep distracting her but if you don't get the upper hand soon it will turn against you. You don't know exactly what a connection between you and another being can do to you. You've always felt it was a one-way conversation. Maybe it was a mistake, you think as you feel a turmoil running through you. There's definitely something wrong, you've never sensed such negative energy in a creature before.

Trying to infuse calm into the spirit of the beast, you feel a force to push back and try to break the link. You hold on, trying to keep the connection with the beast's nervous system despite the unknow nuisance giving you no respite. Unfortunately, every second becomes more and more painful, the cries of the beast pierce your ears and the streams of magic from Vil, Azul and Kalim drain your energy. Continuing ardently to strengthen the bond, you feel your emotions being overwhelmed by rage.

Your train of thought is being parasitized by the magic that made the creature its host. Your field of vision becomes blurry, a constant whistling resonates in your skull and your legs can no longer support your weight. As you feel your power take the upper hand, you understand that in a few seconds you will lose consciousness.

It's with one last attack from Vil that you win and then collapse, someone’s arms catching you before you hit the ground.

"Why did you let her go ! She could have died, she’s a first grade, a first grade !"

"That’s what she wanted, Vil, and I don’t think you really helped her either. "

"Luckily, Kalim was there to catch her." You hear a muddled and preoccupied voice say. "I didn’t think that she was the disobedient kind, I'll get her to review the rules, maybe that'll keep her out of trouble."

"I-I had a bad feeling about this, w-when I learned there was a beast involved I went to look for h-her amongst Scarabia students but she wasn’t with them. I should have know…"

"It’s fine, Idia. I’m her dorm leader, I’m the one who responsible."

"You’re...you’re not, Ka..lim." you succeed to say.

You lift your eyelids with difficulty, and in the silence that has covered the arguments of Vil and Leona, and the laments of some, your eyes get used to the light of day. You notice a warmth coming from something on your forehead and understand that it’s Malleus’ hand as you see his concerned green eyes looking at you.

"Welcome back" he whispers "You gave the fright of a lifetime for some, it’s rare to see Vil loses his temper. Your father and the staff have gone to get your medical supplies, I don't know if they overestimated your exhaustion, do you feel able to get up?"

"I think...I’ll need one of you to carry me, hehe." Malleus giggles at your answer.

"I don't think Kalim caught her very well, she must have hit her head." laughs Leona.

"I’ll carry her if no one wants to !"

While Kalim is starting a friendly war, Azul comes at your side and helps you to sit down. Your body isn't in pain, but the exhaustion is getting you all bogged down. You've never used your magic so much before, let alone your only magic, and the repercussion is brutal.

Then it comes back to you: what happened to the beast?

"If that’s about the beast that you’re thinking, well, she’s fine. She collapsed a bit after you, her appareance changed drastically. Don’t worry, she will be taken care of" explains Azul.

"And she left this behind" continues Malleus, showing you a bright cristal tinged with black.

He puts it in your hands and you watch it, puzzled. That doesn't look good, you must show it to your father. And talk about your experience with the beast too, if he let you explain yourself in the first place.

Looking up, you wonder what might have happened to you if you had been only slightly less powerful. Suddenly, the light that dazzles you and burns your skin becomes like a treasure as you tell yourself that things could have ended badly for your life. But the boys were there, weren't they? Leona and Kalim were watching you, so they would have helped you before things got dramatic. The seriousness of the situation is hard to see in the way the boys talk to each other and makes you think you’ve just lived an intensive use of magic as it can happen. But Azul's hand on your back, Malleus's piercing gaze and the point of disarray in Kalim's eyes cast doubt on you.

You are not reckless, at least you’ve never seen yourself that way. You wonder if you weren't like that by choice, or if it's just a part of you that you were repressing. You don't think you're repressed, you are struggling with confidence and self-esteem, yes, but you're not repressed.

Your father must be shocked too, though, as he comes running at you, you can’t see his eyes because of his mask. The boys, silenced -for once- by the headmaster’s presence, are surrounding you and it only reinforces the image of weakness you're sending back to your father. Your eyes find the ground, you're used to avoiding conflict and that's not going to change anytime soon.

He lowers himself in front of you and at that point it would be very childish to ignore him :

"I’m sorry."

What else could you say ? Your don’t want to make things worse for yourself and, to be honest, your exhaustion doesn’t help to find the right words either.

You father doesn’t answer. His hand cups your cheek and you remember he always did this when you were younger. It was a gesture of parenthood that comforted you when you were troubled. It's strange to receive emotional gestures after all this time without any physical contact. You’d almost forget the dorm leaders around you who watching you two. In a surge of prudishness, you gently push your father’s hand away.

"I’m glad you’re fine."

Before you can react, his arms embrace you and hold you close to him. His sobs wetting your uniform jacket.

"Dad ! Not in front of everyone !"

"I-I was so scareeeeed ! I’m not letting you go, young lady ! Never !"

The fact that a person like your father was able to conceive a being as calm as you is still a mystery. No reservations are allowed for your father despite the entourage that has just increased with the arrival of the members of the infirmary. And while laughter makes you bury your head in your father's chest, you tell yourself that things could have been worse.

"Sir, we found this next to the beast after she collapsed."

Malleus' voice interrupts your little family reunion. Your father pulls back and you see the crystal, which you had dropped under the shock of your father’s grip, in Malleus' hand. Your father watches him with an inscrutable expression. As Malleus gives the crystal to him, he says :

"I’ll need you to explain me what happened with the beast, Malleus…I’ll inspect this later. Now, darling, we’re going to lead you to the infirmary. Sssh, you need to be taken care of. Shroud and Schoenheit, help her to get up, please. No time to lose, she may be hurt more severely than we think !"

Too focused on Idia's hands, which help you with an endearing clumsiness, and Vil's hands, which seem to be soaked with voluptuousness, you don't notice your father's satisfied smile.

At first I wanted Kalim to scream YEEEEES at reader-chan being sorted in Scarabia

When I did the first part the "you'll be fine" sentence was originally said by someone else but I thought that Idia had almost no line at all so I was like "yeah don't care he'll find out the courage to say it",that's why it's a bit out of character (since he needs more time to open up it was that or nothing lol)

Yes, your father cockblocked you (does anyone wants an alternative universe where you get to sleep with Kalim in a totally platonic situation? lmao)

The focus on Kalim is (a little bit) here since a very similar request wanted him to be more put in the front than the others, but it is also because I thought while reading the first part (man, I hate to read what I write once I published it, it's awful) that he was the more "noticed" by the "reader" because he restrained himself to talk to let her introduce herself

For once, I wanted to write in present tense but I still prefer to write in past tense lol, the pacing of this story is bad but at least I tried. My writing will hopefully get better with time.

[yugyummygot7reactions]

Behind The Curtain - Prologue

| Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Epilogue | 

Updates are Sundays at 5pm PST!

Characters: Got7 x You Genre: No Genre for Prologue, Chapters will all be Smut Warning(s): None this time ;D Word Count: 934

You have one job, figure out who in the Got7 gang are beyond saving. The government agency you work for decided that the gang has gone too deep into the world of crime and need to be stopped. Instead of wiping them all out, you have been tasked to figure out which of the members are truly dark and evil, and which ones can still be saved to be used by the agency for good. You can only think of one way to do that…

The silence in the room was deafening as you took the time to decipher yet another coded message from your handler. This was the fifth one in less than  3 weeks and it was starting to get suspicious. While to anyone else these looked like loving and concerned letters from your mother, there was a code hidden inside, one that had been drilled into your brain since you joined the agency 6 years ago. 

You had only been in the Got7 gang for 2 years, and while your carefully executed bond with the two youngest founders helped you to rise up in the ranks quickly, you knew that some people found it suspicious and kept a close eye on your every move. 

There were close to a hundred members of the Got7 gang right now, and you were one of only 4 advisors with tier 2 security clearance. The top clearance level was restricted to only the 7 division heads. 

Im Jaebeom, aka JB, the leader that everyone obeyed without question. He handled all raid decisions, major business deals, and had final say on promotions in the gang.

Mark (Yien) Tuan, the surveillance specialist. He constantly monitors the base and every mission. He uses sensors and cameras to make sure everything is always in its place. He also handles strategy and the planning of missions with JB. He maps out routes and hacks to make sure the enemy cameras never see Got7 coming.

Park Jinyoung, the head of medical research and emergency care, he took care of acquiring medications, experimenting with new chemical combinations to enhance the body, and he handled all of the serious injuries that came back from missions.

Jackson (Jiaer) Wang, the recruitment and training head. He finds new members of the gang, makes sure they are up to snuff, and gets them to the high standard of the founders. He also recommends placements of each new recruit after they get through training. 

Choi Youngjae, the business lead. He is in charge of not only the relationships with other gangs, but he makes sure that the rest of the world sees Got7 as a legitimate business. His cheerful personality was the perfect front for the outside world and no one ever questions it. 

Bam Bam, the weapons specialist. He could acquire any kind of weapon you could want. He is also in charge of modifying weapons, working with poisons, and developing new kinds of weapons to throw off other gangs. He loves his toys and will spare no expense on them. 

Kim Yugyeom, the interrogator. He was in charge of getting as much information as he could from any and all prisoners. He used any methods necessary and never failed to get what his leader asked of him. 

Taking a deep breath, you looked around the dark room again. There were cameras in the base everywhere and you didn’t know for sure if there were any in your bedroom, so deciphering these messages had to look as plain as possible. After waiting until you knew for sure that Mark was asleep, you opened the letter from “your mom” and began deciphering. 

“Y/N, 

2 years on this mission has been too long. You are needed elsewhere. You have one week to give us an answer on who to save and recruit or we get you out of there and wipe them all out. We understand your concern about needing time to find if they can be rehabilitated, but you know the signs to look for. We only want the leaders who won’t run right back into the underworld when we give them a taste of freedom after their new training. We know you want to save them all, but remember, not everyone is worth saving. Good luck and we will see you in a week. 

Love, Mom”

You folded the letter and sighed. You knew this letter would be coming soon. The letter you got earlier in the week reminded you that this was supposed to be no more than a 12 month mission. What the agency didn’t understand is that even being a high level advisor and knowing almost all of the ins and outs of the gang, all of the leaders kept a constant front up in front of you. It was like being stuck behind a heavy curtain. If you spend enough time with the curtains closed, all you see is the carefully decorated room around you, but if you open the curtains, will you see sunlight or darkness? 

There was more hidden by the leaders that they only showed each other in their private meetings, and you needed to find out what those secrets were. You needed to get those curtains opened for each and every one of them.

After sitting and thinking about how you were going to find out each leader’s hidden side in a week after being unsuccessful for the last 2 years, you decided to take a walk through the base. Maybe something you stumble across would spark an idea. 

After wandering the halls of the high level living quarters, you hear a noise coming from a room you know to be Mark’s bedroom. You walk over and peek through the slightly cracked door before quickly looking away to catch your breath. That slight glimpse of the man in his room made you realize exactly what you needed to do. 

When is a person at their most vulnerable? When do they let their walls down the most? When could you see deep into their soul without alerting them of your true intentions?

During Sex. 

_______________________________________________________________________

That’s it My Lovelies!!! The prologue! I hope you like this story!! It will be 90% smut from here on out, but I think you’ll like where it’s going. 

Next week will be Mark’s ‘evaluation’. What do you all think? Will he be Light or Dark? 

Let me know!!!

~LoLo

[finnsgrin]

Bellamy Blake - “Isn’t this what you wanted?” Part 2

Bellamy Blake x reader

From my Wattpad: inanoncriminalwayy

GIF: heartbellamy

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Word Count: 1,875

Published on: Friday, November 20, 2020

TW: None

Spoilers: None

Summary: S3

A/N: Much requested by my sister, who claimed that the ending of the first part was a cliffhanger. Enjoy. Also, I understand that Miller wasn't with Pike, but I forgot he wasn't when I wrote this, so for the sake of the story just pretend he is apjppsoeods

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

♡Masterlist♡

Part 1

Bellamy Blake

"Isn't this what you wanted?" Part 2

As if things couldn't get any worse, the moment you got to Harpers door, you remembered that she was out on a supply run with Octavia, leaving her door locked, and you stranded in the hallway with tears in your eyes.

"Damn." You cursed as you racked your brain for the key code.

"Need some help?" A familiar voice sounded behind you.

Monty stood in a guards uniform, the bulletproof material looking strange on him. Never in a million years would you have envisioned him in the guard. Let alone the bad part of the guard.

Anger swelled in you, and although you knew that Monty didn't directly take a role in Lincoln's murder, you still resented him for playing the part and sticking at his Moms side when he knew it was wrong.

"You here to kill me too?" You set down your bag, and stared him straight in the eyes.

Although he was at least a foot taller than you, he still backed up, and pity glistened in his eyes.

"(Y/N), I didn't mean to - ."

"You could have talked some sense into them, Monty!"

"I didn't have a choice!" Monty hissed.

You shook your head, picking up your bag with your few belongings.

"There's always a choice." You whispered as you made your way away from him before you did something you would regret.

Maybe with Kane or Abby as Chancellor, the rules would be different.

Scratch that.

They would definitely be different.

Curfew was 9 pm for every citizen of the Ark, excluding the guard, of course. If you were caught out after curfew, no matter the reason, you were shocklashed if you were over the age of 16.

This new rule, including the shorted curfew, and the extensive punishment were mandated by Pike.

Your eyes scoured the walls of the corridors for a clock, but they were empty. You could tell that curfew was approaching, because little to no people were in the halls, and those who were, were hurrying back to their assigned quarters.

Even if you turned back now, there was no guarantee that Harper was back yet, and there was no way in hell you were going back to your room with Bellamy.

In fact, maybe you would stay out in the halls on purpose. Maybe this would result in you getting shocklashed, and Bellamy would finally open his eyes.

Maybe Bellamy would even be the one to do it to you.

"Weren't you arrested in the first place for being out past curfew?"

Jasper startled you as he spoke, leaning against the frame of his door, bottle of moonshine in hand.

You eyed him.

"Weren't you arrested for stealing booze?" You sneered.

He only laughed, his words becoming more slurred as he downed another gulp of his drink.

"Weed, actually. And if it wasn't for... Monty. Neither of us would have been sent down here in the first place."

It was strange what all could change in the span of a few months.

Jasper and Monty used to be inseparable. They were practically brothers. No one could tear them apart.

But now, Jasper spoke Montys name with venom.

"Aren't you due back at the castle with the King?" Jasper waved his drink at the direction, referring to Bellamy.

"I-." Your words were cut short as Nathan Miller rounded the corner. His eyes widened as soon as he caught sight of the both of you.

"Are you trying to get yourselves killed?" He seethed, his eyes darting to the left and the right, breathing a silent sigh of relief as he came to the conclusion that he was the only guard in sight.

Jasper lowered his drink, scrunched up his nose, and appeared to be thinking hard.

"Is this a rhetorical question?" He mused.

Miller turned red in the face.

"I'm not joking around, Jasper. You're lucky it was me who found you, and not Hannah." Miller hissed, clearly not in a joking mood.

Jasper only rolled his eyes.

"Even if you do kill me, what would I end up losing?" Jasper took another drink.

"If you keep talking suicidal, you're gonna end up losing your booze." Miller said.

Jasper seemed to sober up at those words.

"Well, goodnight then." Jasper turned, but Miller stopped him.

"I can't let (Y/N) roam free, Jasper. She's gonna have to stay here tonight." Miller explained.

Jasper shrugged.

"Fine. But I'm not sharing any of my moonshine." He slurred as he walked into his flat.

Millers wrist watched beeped, indicating that it was 9 pm, curfew.

"Hey, I can stop by your dorm and let Bellamy know that-."

"You can leave, is what you can do." You sneered.

Miller blinked, startled by your use of words.

Before he could say anything to this, Hannah Green rounded the corner, and raised her eyebrows at the sight of you, God forbid, two  inches outside of a dorm 1 minute past curfew.

Once she saw that you were talking to Miller, she sighed.

"I can let this slide, but just this once." She gave you a curt nod.

"Oh, will you?" You gave a mock squeal of gratitude, your smile sarcastic.

Hannah frowned.

"I don't like your tone, young lady." She said, her jaw taut.

"And I don't like your face, you power hungry bitch." You jeered.

Hannah gave a gasp of shock, and pulled out a notepad and pen from her pockets.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to write you up." She said.

You only laughed.

"For what? I didn't threaten you. I'm not even within slapping distance of you."

Her face grew a deep shade of scarlet.

"Is that a threat?" She spoke firmly.

"Do you want it to be?" You move forward, but Millers hands stopped you as he placed them firmly on your shoulders.

"(Y/N), enough," He pleaded, really not in the mood to arrest his friend tonight.

Hannah took a look at the door number of Jaspers dorm, and cleared her throat. Everyone knew Jaspers number. Everyone on the Ark had guided him home at least once when he was too drunk to walk properly.

"I'm going to let this go. I will assume that you are helping Jasper. But if you speak to me like that ever again, you can expect a night in lockup." Hannah held her nose high in the air as she strutted away.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Miller lit into you.

"Are you stupid, (Y/N)?" He hissed.

"Are YOU stupid, Miller? You know what you're doing is wrong." You jeered.

Miller was not in the mood for anymore arguing tonight, so he just let out a defeated sigh, and massaged his temples.

"Have a goodnight, (Y/N)." He spoke softly as he walked away.

-

Bellamy was a mess. He reread the letter that was left for him over and over again until his eyes ached, and his heart couldn't take it anymore.

It had been hours, and he felt like a complete ass for letting you be gone this long.

Even if he went out into the halls without his guard uniform, he knew without a doubt that he wouldn't get in any trouble, being a member of the guard and all.

He opened the door, but before he left, he took the letter that you left him, and folded it neatly into a square so he could carry it with him in his pocket.

It felt strange not walking with you. Almost as if the silence was too loud.

He nearly ran into Monty as he booked it through the halls and around the corner.

"Bellamy, what's wrong? Why was (Y/N) at Harpers door crying?" Monty wondered.

"She's at Harpers?" Bellamys felt a weight lifted off of his shoulders. You were safe.

Monty shook his head.

"No, no. Harper wasn't home. I-I don't know where she is." Monty stuttered.

Bellamy took no more time in conversing, and continued to jog.

"Bellamy? What are you doing out? It's past midnight." Hannah stopped him, a smile on her face.

"My- my..."

What was he even supposed to call you now?

"(Y/N), (Y/L/N), have you seen her?" His voiced cracked pitifully at the end of his sentence.

Hannah's eyes softened.

"I was down at Jasper Jordan's place when curfew started. She was there." Hannah explained, pointing in the direction of which you were.

"Thank you." He nodded gratefully.

It would make sense that you were with Jasper.

Next to Harper, Jasper was your best friend. And you both had something to bond over.

The fact that someone you loved and cared for was killed by someone you loved and trusted...

How much deeper could a bond get?

When he got to Jaspers, the door was cracked open.

Bellamy frowned, and gave a knock.

"(Y/N)?" He loudly announced his arrival.

A groan could be be heard from inside.

A half asleep, not even ten percent conscious Jasper stumbled to the door.

"What do you want?" He growled.

"Jasper, I need to see (Y/N)." Bellamy pleaded.

Jasper moved out of the way, too exhausted for anymore conversing. He gestured widly to the couch in which you had been sleeping on no more than two hours ago.

But you weren't there.

In your place, was yet another note, announcing your departure to the woods where you planned to run away and live a life with Trikru, where you could be free.

All of the blood drained from Bellamys face, and he patted his pockets, cursing when he remembered he wasn't wearing his uniform and didn't have his walkie talkies.

He shoved this note hastily in his pocket, and sprinted out of the room, out into the entrance of Arkadia, where the night air was cool, and the lights bright.

He panicked, swiveling around frantically trying to imagine which direction you would go.

He caught sight of you a few hundred yards outside of the fence.

"(Y/N)! (Y/N)!" He screamed.

You turned around, his name almost passing your lips.

The sound of a gunshot answered him.

The crickets ceased their chirps, and time itself seemed to stand still as Bellamy watched your body crumble to the ground.

The watchman who had shot you realized his mistake as soon as he heard Bellamy scream.

That wasn't a Grounder.

Guards moved out past the gate, to examine the corpse.

They say you move faster when your adrenaline is pumping.

But Bellamy couldn't move fast enough.

"Don't touch her! Don't touch her!" Bellamy cried as a guard bent over to pick you up.

Your face was forever frozen. Your eyes wide with regret and heartache. Your lips beginning to form Bellamys name.

Bellamy let out a wail. It was a familiar wail.

It was the sound Raven made when she watched Finn die.

It was the sound Octavia made when she watched Lincoln die.

But this wail was different in a few ways.

It was full of more regret.

More sorrow.

As Bellamy held your bleeding body in his arms, the paper of the notes you had left crinkled in his pockets.

Both of them goodbye notes.

And Bellamy whispered the words he never got to say.

"It's you. I choose you."

♡Masterlist♡

[himbothomas]

Video Games || 2018 || PT. 1

“Your house is nice.” 

Dean says, mostly to be polite but also cause he means it. Levi scoffs, leading him around the cluttered kitchen island towards the basement steps. His older sister, Sabrina, had already stalked upstairs, but she’d smiled when Dean told her she was a good driver, and had let him pick out which Paramore CD to play. She smelled really good, too, but Dean wasn’t about to risk one of the only friendships he had. And, until yesterday when he asked him to hang out after school today, Levi had been strictly a practice and class friend. They usually had to run laps together for dicking around between drills and usually got detention together for dicking around between classes, but this was different. It’s not like Dean was hurting for friends-everyone liked him and he and most of the other 11th graders on the football team hung out together in a big group, but no one has ever invited him over to their house. Just him. 

And Levi. Dean really likes Levi. Really likes him. He, Dean notices as they settle on the well worn couch, also smells really good. 

Shit. Fuck. Dean stops just short of shaking himself. He-well he wasn’t gay. He likes girls. But he also likes…Levi. It’s stupid and Dean knows it-the best thing that could come out of acting on those sorts of feelings is getting completely ostrichized. He’d be lucky if he didn’t end up hospitalized, for that matter. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t look. Or think about him before he falls asleep. Or purposefully get detention for the third time in a week so they could keep hanging out. Levi settles next to him, and it’s not weird for Dean to look, so he does. Curly black hair and eyes that were green in the right light. A tan that was half freckles and a quarter Puerto Rico and a smile that keeps Dean up at night, one he returns easily. 

“Oh.” Levi says, standing again to grab the Xbox controllers. Dean tries not to look at his ass but it’s right there. Maybe he just likes nice asses. That’s not that weird. 

Levi hands him the controller and continues to fuck with his Xbox. 

“Madden or call of duty?” 

Dean scoffs “You think after finally being done with football season, I wanna play football on screen?”

“So you suck at Madden?” Levi responds, booting up the game and laughing when Dean flips him off. 

“No I’m just trying to be a good guest-“

“You just flipped me the bird-“

“I don’t think it’s polite to kick your host’s ass within 20 minutes of arrival.”

“Whatever.” Levi says, sitting back on the couch and closer to Dean. It’s just because he has wired controllers and doesn’t want to stretch the cord out. Dean has to stop from physically yelping when their knees touch. He shifts away. Levi, for his part, is texting. 

“My mom says you can eat dinner with us if you want.”

The thought of processed food not from the organic grocery store is even more attractive than his friend or his sister. 

“Oh cool. Sure, thanks.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “You’re not even gonna ask your parents?”

“Do they still hold your hand when you cross the street, little boy?”

“Fuck off. “Levi shoves him and Dean laughs

“Nah I don’t have to do shit. My mom doesn’t care about me and Kenny forgets my name once football is over.”

“Oh shut up, sad sack your mom cares about you.” Levi rolls his eyes and picks the Dallas Cowboys as his team. Dean let’s him and picks the Patriots simply because-

“Why the fuck did you pick the worst team to ever fucking exist?”

“I figured if you’re gonna insist that I kick your ass I might as well break your spirit too.”

Levi shoves him again and Dean’s mission is accomplished. “Bastard.”

“Yeah, technically.”

Levi rolls his eyes again and they start to play. When Levi is down 40 points, Dean speaks. 

“She really doesn’t care though. My mom. Which is cool most of the time cause I can do whatever I want,  but last year she forgot about my birthday until it was 6 weeks later.” 

Levi turns his head to look at him.  “Oh you’re not kidding, are you?”

“Why do you think she bought me a car before I could drive?”

He’d failed his test twice at this point but that didn’t matter. 

“That’s uh…pretty fucked, man.”

Dean shrugs. “It is what it is. I’m just wall decor unless there’s football talk or she needs to prove to someone she was once liberal enough to fuck a black guy.” Levi chokes a little on the Gatorade he's drinking.

 “Jesus.”

“Nah, his name is Rodney.”

“Do you see him ever?” Levi asks. Something about the genuine curiosity in his voice is so nice that Dean lets him get a first down. 

“Ha!” 

“Nah. He took off when I was like…4? 5? And then we lived with my grandparents for a bit, which was cool. My grandpa was fucking awesome. But he died when I was like, 9 and mom was already with Kenny at that point so I never felt like I could ask about my dad.”

“You ever wanna meet him?”

Usually people express some sort of false sympathy for him, but Levi is too focused on making passes Dean is letting slide.

 “Oh I did. Last Christmas. We met at Waffle House.  He asked me for money.”

“What?!” Levi pauses the game and stares at him. “Whatd you do?”

Dean shrugs.  “I had like $50 on me so I uh…gave it to him.”

The tips of his ears burn with shame and he looks away, suddenly uncomfortable. 

“Jesus I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to like-Thats some tough shit, Deanie.” 

Levi had been the first to call him that. Dean has been pretending for almost two and a half years that it didn’t make his heart race. 

“It’s ok. Really. It sort of…I know now. It sucks but I can’t do a whole lot about it.”

Levi sighs. “Yeah but I shouldn’t have, like,  forced you to tell me.” 

“You didn’t.” Dean says easily. “It was actually nice to tell someone that.”

“Thomas.”

“Sanchez.”

“You’ve never told anyone that before?” No one’s eyes have any business looking that pretty when they’re sad. Especially Levi’s. Dean shrugs again, his voice a little lower.

 “My mom doesn’t even know I met him. She’d just get pissed at me anyway so like…” he shrugs again. He feels Levi’s eyes on him and it makes his stomach tighten. “Do you wanna get back to the game or is therapy Levi still happening?”

“Stop being an asshole. That’s…so much, dude.”

“Yeah, a real winner runs through my DNA. Glad I kept his name.”

Levi groans. “You make me feel like a dick for being unhappy here.”

“You are a dick. Your mom lets you have video games and a whole basement that I’m guessing you decorated unless she’s a Kate Upton fan.” 

Levi snorts. “I don’t entirely feel bad for you and your step dad’s fucking fortune and mansion.”

Dean doesn’t say anything because he knows Levi is right. “I dunno man, I’d give it all up for there to be bacon in the house.”

“What?!”

They keep talking as they play the game. Levi asks questions that are direct without prying. Dean tries to ask them back. He is shortly losing by 70 points. When the cowboys win, he does his best to demand a rematch, which, really, means he gets to keep talking to Levi. 

“So-“ Levi says. “I think it’s only fair since you told me your secret, I'll tell you one of mine.” 

Dean snorts. “This isn’t a friendship based on transactions you weirdo.” 

“Right, yeah. Then I’m gonna be super narcissistic and make it about me.” Dean laughs at this and it’s  his turn to pause the game. 

“You uh, told me all that stuff because why?” Levi’s voice is different. Less confidence. Dean slowly realizes he’s nervous.

“I trust you.” Dean says, realizing he does as he says it. 

“You do?”

“Should I not? Are you as shitty at keeping secrets as you are at realizing things?”

When Levi doesn’t laugh, Dean puts his controller down fully and turns to him. “Dude are you ok?”

“Yeah I  uh-so what I told you before was a secret isn’t exactly secret it’s just…something I wanna ask about to see if it’s uh, normal.”

Something small and evil like a shred of hope crawls into Dean's stomach. 

“Even if it’s not, Levi, I wouldnt you know, treat you differently for it.”

Levi scoffs again and Dean frowns. “What? I mean it. Have you ever known me to like, you know, judge people or whatever?”

Levi considers this and, as he strokes his thumb slowly up and down his index finger, his voice relaxes.  “No. I guess I haven’t. You’re even nice to Dan-Danielle Stevens.”

Danielle was openly trans and braver than anyone else Dean knew.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“We live in Texas.”

“And I’m Black. And from Wisconsin.” 

Levi laughs. “Two things I always say about you.”

Dean can’t help himself.  “You talk about me a lot?”

He could be mistaken, but some of Levi’s freckles darken. “That’s not-do you want me to tell you the question or not?”

“Ask me the question, Leev.” Dean says, hoping he’s right. 

Levi takes a breath. They’re facing each other on the couch now, controllers as abandoned as their math homework. 

“I was just uh, you know, wondering if you-or if it’s normal or whatever... to think what it’d be like to you know…kiss another guy or something.”

All the blood leaves Dean’s upper body and rushes south. 

“I think that’s normal.” Dean says, hoping he didn’t pause too long or answer too eagerly. “I mean it’s 2018, you know. Like all that gay shit is way more accepted so like, we see it more and maybe it sparks some inspiration or something.” 

“Right. Ok. Yeah. Like when you see an ad for something a bunch of times and then you finally buy it. “ 

Dean laughs. “Yeah. Curiosity isn’t bad unless you’re a cat or like, a guy who defuses bombs.”

Levi laughs and moves a bit closer. 

 “Can I ask you one more thing?”

“You’re getting really close to your allotted time slot being up but I’ll see what I can do.”

“I hate you.” Levi says, his smile directed just at Dean is too much to handle. 

“Have you ever thought about-”

Before Levi finishes, Dean closes the distance between them, stretching out on the couch and very carefully and purposefully placing his lips on Levi’s. 

And its right. It’s so right Dean almost feels bad for being so ashamed of all the times he’s thought about it. 

Levi pulls away just slightly and when his thumb comes up to trace Dean’s cheekbone, that evil shred of hope doubles in size. 

They stay like that for an hour, getting bolder and more confident with each kiss, their hands firmly on each other’s. When his mom comes home with the smell of pizza lingering with her and calls down the stairs, they pull apart. Without speaking, Dean knows they’re not going to talk about it, but he can’t even bring himself to care-everything he’d been fantasizing about was so much better in practice. Even if Levi never wants to see him again-

“You wanna come over again tomorrow?” Levi says, clearing his throat. His hand covers Dean’s on the couch and gives him a squeeze. 

Dean’s fate is sealed before he can even finish saying “Sure.”

[deans-baby-momma]

Mommy’s (Not So) Good Girl-18

By New Year's Eve Mom was over her disappointment at the lack of a ring and a proposal and had thrown her all into hosting the block's best New Years party ever.

As I was growing up, Mom and I would attend the others' celebrations but usually ended up back home before the ball dropped and would watch it together, cuddled up on the sofa at home.

That happened more regularly once Ben arrived; being closer to the bed for when the kid went to sleep. 

This year though Mom had apparently volunteered to hold the annual party and from the time we woke up on December 31st, we were put to work getting things set up.

Ben and I are left at home, working on cleaning up the house while Dean and Mom run to the store for some last minute items and more booze.

As I'm putting the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher,  I think back to just seven days ago when on Christmas Eve, Dean had given me the item he had visited the jewelry store for.

FLASHBACK

"It was your bracelet that had me going back to that store," he explained. "The incompetent sales guy couldn't get the protection sigil correct. I kept having to return it."

"Why? Does it really matt-"

"Yes-" he whisper-yelled at me. "Yes it matters.  It has to be flawless. One small imperfection and it doesn't work. "

The way he demanded that the bauble be correct made me wonder if he actually believed in the power of something supernatural. Then again, he must because he has the same symbol tattooed on his chest. It made me see Dean Winchester in a whole new light. He was superstitious.

END FLASHBACK

And I’m not going to lie, it made me feel…...loved. That he cared enough for me to get something that he believed would protect and shield me. Wait, did Dean love me?! No, we were just two people fucking around, right? No feelings or emotions involved. 

As soon as I start up the dishwasher I rush back to my room and go straight to my jewelry box. The hinges creak lowly as I open the lid and pull out the bangle. I stare at it and smile, realizing the significance of the gift. Dean loves me. Dean wants to keep me safe. Tears pop into my eyes as I look at each charm. Each one holds a special meaning, an understanding between the two of us; only the two of us.

The heart with the words ‘Baby Girl’ engraved on it is special because that it what Dean calls me when we are intimate; the disc shaped with the word ‘Daddy’ on it because that’s what I call him in those times; the diamond encrusted dollar sign because he actually listens and pays attention about my hopes and dreams of becoming a finance advisor someday. And then of course the protection symbol; he wants to protect me and keep me safe. 

I can feel the love and adoration just by simply looking at the bracelet. Which, come to think of it, Dean probably realized that and bought it so I could feel his yearning while away at campus. I close my hand around the chain and bring my fist to my heart. “I love you too,” I whisper into the air before I place it back into the box and shut the lid.

When Mom and Dean return, I can’t help but steal looks and glances at the man I am falling in love with. He is so generous, so big-hearted, honest and trust-worthy. I am glad that the person I have finally fallen for is a man who should be admired. A man who should be cherished. I vow right then and there to make sure he doesn’t go a day without knowing how much I appreciate and value him.

When the house is full and the party is thriving, I take a chance at getting a drink. Yes, I am 21 years old now and this would not be my first adult beverage but I have never attempted this in the presence of my mother. How is she going to react to see me enjoying an alcoholic drink. 

Then, I remember she has been witness to it. The fucking video of me at Halloween, grinding on Taylor and talking about sex. With Dean; with the man she has been living with for the last 8 months!

I carry the red solo cup through the house, smiling and greeting people as I pass until I get to the back patio where some of the more inebriated couples have seemed to congregate. I guess the illusion of the darkness of night has lured them outside. ‘Hopefully the ones out there are with the ones they arrived with or this could really turn into a mess,’ I think as I open the door and step out into the night air. 

It’s chilly and there are traces of snow on the ground from the storm we got last week but the temperatures have been mild and on the warmer side so here it is New Year’s Eve, a few hours before midnight and people are mingling outside.  

“Abby!” Brad calls when he spots me and I roll my eyes. He is standing in the corner with Debby, another girl from our high school class. From the look on her face and the glare she sends my way, I definitely interrupted something between them. 

“Hey Brad,” I say as I approach them, keeping a decent distance. 

“I see Mommy’s good girl isn’t such a good girl anymore,” he smirks and looks down at the cup in my grasp. “Or is that just soda?”

“No Brad,” I sneer. “It’s not just soda. Ya know, I turned 21 this year. I am legal. Are you or her?” I ask, nodding toward Debby.

“Oh that’s right,” Brad says as he steps away from Debby and approaches me. “You got a lot for your 21st birthday didn’t you? Got yourself a ‘Daddy’.”

I look at Brad wide-eyed and he chuckles. “Yea I saw the video. I think the whole world has seen the horny bunny talking about her Daddy. Just exactly who is this Daddy character that’s been messing around with my girl?” 

Brad places his arm on my shoulders and I quickly shrug it off. “I’m not your girl, Brad. Never have been, never will be.” I turn and walk back into the house. 

Brad continues to provoke me as he yells out, “Does he even exist Abby?’ and laughs as he makes his way back to his date.

Back inside, the music was louder and conversations were harder to hear; only snippets of dialogue. The Parks from across the street were in the dining room discussing something with the Jackson’s, and Brad’s parents,  from down the way; Mom and Dean were in the kitchen talking with Stan and his wife, Monica from next door. Others were throughout the house debating this and that. 

I walked toward my room, where I could be alone. Even Ben had a “date” as he was in his room with Noah playing video games. I was the odd man out. I had no date and no one to talk to so why even bother to mingle?

At a quarter to midnight, Mom knocks on my door to inform me that everyone's gathering around the television to watch the new year come in. I follow her down the hall to the front room where all the couples, excluding Ben and Noah,  are hugged up and looking excited to watch 2010 become 2011. 

I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less. I didn’t have anyone to celebrate it with.

5...

4...

3...

2...

1!

Everyone in the house yells out “Happy New Year” and then I am surrounded by eight couples kissing while the ages old song, Auld Lang Syne is played through the tv speakers. I quietly tap my foot waiting for them all to break apart so I can bid them all a goodnight and retreat back to my room.

What I didn’t expect was for Dean to pull away from Mom and head toward me, a sheepish grin on his face. Was he going to kiss me? In front of Mom and all the others? What the hell is going on? Am I dreaming? 

I must be. I am probably still hiding out in my bedroom, asleep on my bed, dreaming of getting to kiss the one man I want to on this night because there is no way in hell that is about to happen!

@lostinaseaoffictionalbliss​ @spnbaby-67​ @tftumblin​ @sea040561​ @delightfullykrispypeach​ @larajadeschmidt13​ @vicariouslythruspn​ @squirrelnotsam​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @sandlee44​ @blacktithe7​ @deanwanddamons​ @hoboal87​ @marvelfanbrenda​ @vicmc624​ @smoothdogsgirl​ @elliloumom @stoneyggirl​  @kricketc29​

[capricornus-rex]

A Legacy Begun (10)

Chapter 10: The Advent of an Alliance | Cal Kestis x Reader

Summary: After a long time of running and fighting, you and Cal decided to finally settle down after all these years to raise a family. However, it was never a life of peace whilst the shadow of the Empire looms over your heads.

Prompt/s in play: Anon prompt (found in Chapter 1 link) + fic idea

Also posted in AO3

Tags: Scruffy! Cal Kestis, Daddy! Cal Kestis, Adult! Cal Kestis, Jedi Family, Jedi Offspring, Force-Sensitive Offspring, Settling Down, Rebel Alliance

Chapters: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 | Previous: Part 9 | Next: Part 11 | Masterlist

10 of ?

Cassidy darts out of the quarters, her precious unignited saber in hand, and kept announcing the words, “I did it!”

Everyone turned to the scarlet-haired child. She wanted to make sure everyone got a closer look of the saber that she has constructed all on her own, she was three times proud of herself than her parents combined. Her quirky disposition somehow reminded you and Cal individually of your childhoods—the medley of thrill and anxiety at the Gathering, the accomplishment of constructing the saber down to the last component all by oneself, and the satisfying hum of the saber blazing out of the emitter that cements their being a Jedi.

“Ooh, it turned out quite beautifully, Cassidy!” you grinned, leaning closer to get a look of the overall design.

It was neat and sleek, simple yet elegant—you strongly believed that the lightsaber reflected her, not just by personality, but also her fighting style.

Two years prior this Gathering, it was too soon to figure out what lightsaber form Cassidy was inclined to using. However, it was vital that she’d be exposed to all seven forms—you and Cal have made it clear that it wasn’t a hard requirement for her to master each and every one. Although her capabilities appear to drift between Form I: Shii-Cho and Form III: Soresu—the latter is the most prominent.

“You think so, Mom?”

“Of course. I never doubted you for a moment, my girl,”

She rung her little arms around your neck, naturally, you hugged her back—wrapping your arms around her small back and playfully shaking her in the middle of it.

“Go ahead and play now, if you like, but we’ll get clean up in a bit, okay?”

“Okay,” she nodded and then turned to BD-1 sitting on the sofa. “Come on, BD!”

“Trill, bee!”

The two friends scampered along, the droid followed wherever the girl went—fetching her three favorite toys: the Binog named Nog, the Bogling who’s been called Bog ever since her infancy, and the Shyyyo Bird she fondly referred to as Shy and then placing them all in the lounge.

While Cassidy played away with BD-1 and her stuffed animals, you headed to the bathroom to draw a warm bath. You politely interrupted Cassidy’s playtime to clean her up—starting with taking off her snowflake-covered poncho, you brought her to the bathroom and cleaned her there: wiping her face clean of frost and snow until the freckles and the pinkness of her cheeks stood out more, rinsed and lathered her head well enough to make sure the snowstorm hadn’t hardened her hair into a red, solid sheet.

Finally, she sported a dark green jacket and black pants—an ensemble that nearly looked identical with Cal’s, spare the armor. She returned to her playtime and kept her saber close, even though it’ll be a long while before she could actually use it. Eventually, in the middle of the trip, exhaustion has taken over little Cassidy until she had fallen asleep in the middle of her playtime—BD-1 didn’t want to disturb her so he set himself to sleep mode as well, sitting with his legs tucked underneath his body on the table, along with the toys, and her arms crossed together acted like a pillow but her saber was trapped in her hand. You’re endeared by the sight—you first pulled away the saber in her hand and then carried her to the couch where she’ll be comfortable, you replaced the saber with the Binog as the child continued to dream

“Sleep tight, baby,” you whispered and leaned to forehead to plant a kiss.

You retired to Cal’s former quarters and found himself busy against the workbench. He turned around to acknowledge your presence.

“She and BD are taking a nap,”

Cal paused from his handiwork, “Oh?”

“Yeah, I just tucked her in on the couch in the lounge,” you leaned casually against the door with your arms crossed and a smirk traced all over your lips.

“You’re not too busy, I hope,” your husband purred as he started pacing towards you.

The smirk on your face extended, chuckling through your nostrils as you play along with the act. You rolled your eyes in a thoughtful manner and then shrugged your shoulders seconds later.

“I don’t think so,”

“Good,”

A single flimsy wave of his two fingers and the audible crunch of a button clicked right next to your ear. He maintained that smug look in his face, you smiled off the growing tension ripping between the gap that he’s closing with every step closer to you.

“I’m afraid the door’s jammed,” you jokingly point out the obvious.

“How unfortunate,”

He planted his palms flat against the wall on both of your sides, trapping you between his arms; he’s surprised that you’ve kept your demeanor steady for this long. You slid down while keeping his eyes on him, giving him the false hope of you submitting to him, but you only did so to slip underneath his arms to retreat to the workbench.

“So, what is it that you’ve been busying yourself with?”

He sighed and then went after you, “I’m recalibrating the Mantis’s shared-line transponder, Cere thinks that it’s taking a few seconds before the signal reaches our home.”

“Any luck so far?”

“Haven’t tested it yet,” his warm breath blew over your shoulders, goosebumps crawled all over your arms. His hands slithered down to your thighs and dug his fingers deep into your flesh.

“Do you plan to?”

“I have other things in mind,”

His fingers clawed their way up to clutch your waist; he goes on to leave a trail of kisses on your neck—gradually bruising them as he gingerly nips away at your skin—you crane your head up, giving in to his lips. You absentmindedly put aside the transponder to the far side of the worktable. He quickly lifted you up to the surface of the table the instant you turned to face him; he denied you a chance to speak or react using his lips, his tongue slithering into your mouth and exploring your taste.

Even with your eyes closed, you managed to unzip his jacket, pale skin popped out of the clothing and he shook off the sleeves until he was bare—he did the same to you and rucked up your tank top. A chuckle rumbled in your throat, it rang seductively into his ears as his lips ghosted over the groove between your breasts.

Cal hooked his arms around your thighs while his tongue flicks your nipple inside his mouth, a squeak escaped your throat—keeping yourself quiet amidst this heating ecstasy was a struggle, you didn’t want to wake Cassidy with your screaming Cal’s name. He pulled away for a moment only to shush you and then rested you flat against the white, narrow bed.

“Hush now, we wouldn’t wanna disturb Cassidy’s nap,”

“I’ll be good then,” you mewled.

He brushed his lips to yours to silence you, his tongue tracing along the line of your bottom lip while you prod yours into his mouth.

Hours later, both of you cuddled in your former bed, truly reliving the old days but feeling like you’re still back to the time where all of you were just wondering where to go next. You opted to take a shower and wore your jacket lousily until you found your way to the bathroom. While you bathed, Cal stepped out of the quarters to fix himself a glass and spotted Cassidy already up and about.

She stood in the very center of the ship—just in front of the lounge’s table—testing out her saber, waving it around the same way she would with the practice saber back home. Cal watched her from the dining table, making stances of her own mixed with the standard ones taught to her, he smiled to himself when he saw her attempt a flourish spin.

“Be careful when you do that, sweetie, we wouldn’t want Greez to find a slash on the ceiling,”

Cassidy spun around, startled by her father’s remark. She was so absorbed with her solo practice session that she wasn’t unaware of his presence; a bright red colored over her freckles as she realized this rookie mistake.

“Sorry, Dad, I… I figured you were there,”

“I guess you concentrated a bit too much on your saber,”

Unable to respond, she was guilty of that claim, she averted her eyes from her father—slightly embarrassed—and then turned to her saber, examining the smooth black hilt rolling in the palm of her hand.

“Don’t worry, sweetie, I’m not mad,”

“I should’ve really known your presence seconds ago,” she mumbled disappointingly to herself.

Cal walked away from the dining and towards his daughter. He knelt down to her level and plants his hand on her shoulder.

“It’s easy to get lost in emotions—especially excitement—but that doesn’t mean you’re less of what you’ve become. That saber is an extension of you; it’s only natural that you’re taking your time with it. Just remember to be mindful of your feelings and your surroundings, we’ll learn more on that when we get home. Will you be ready by then?”

Cassidy’s soulful, dark eyes lit up and her mouth stretched into a wide smile on her little face.

“Am I ever!?”

“That’s my girl,” he tussled her hair and leaned in to brush his beard against her cheek. “Itchy kisses!”

“Aaaagh, no! Not the itchy kisses, Dad!”

It was too late for Cassidy to run away from the clutches of her dad, he had already locked her in his arms at the mercy of his beard tickling her cheeks and neck. Her laughter, a voice that’s sweet and silky like honey, chimed across the entire ship. Eventually, she slipped away from her father’s grasp and snatched up both Nog and Shy—as protection, she pecked Cal’s head using the little Shyyyo Bird’s cotton-stuffed beak.

“Oh no, the Great Shy has attacked me!”

Cal’s baritone laugh mingled with his daughter’s high-pitched giggles. You were attracted the sound and led you to the galley as soon as you stepped out of the quarters after getting dressed. The sight of father and daughter instantaneously warrants a smile across your face. You discover Cassidy splayed like a bird, with her Shyyyo Bird in hand as if mimicking its flight, while being carried in Cal’s arms—your husband gently swerved and bobbed your daughter up and down.

You sneak up on them, picking up Bog along the way and bounced the toy across Cassidy’s back.

“Hey, you forgot to bring little Bog on the trip with Shy!” you cooed.

“Oh, that’s right! Bog always loves to go higher than he can jump!” Cassidy concurred.

BD-1 joined in on the game when he used his little turbojets to give Nog a joyride flight along with the Kestis family.

“Alright, BD! Glad you brought Nog with you!” the child yipped. “Now everyone’s joined in!”

The four of you have lost yourselves in the dreamy, imaginary world where Boglings can ride Shyyyo Birds and a droid can carry a Binog on top of its head as it flew—a fantasy world that your little daughter had created. The parents had a bit too much fun playing with their daughter that they didn’t realize the Mantis had already finished its landing cycle.

“Uh, didn’t wanna interrupt your fun time there but we’re back at Zera now,” Greez announced as he awkwardly put himself into the scene of the Kestis family bonding.

“Oh, we’re home!” Cassidy squirmed away from her father’s arms, she couldn’t wait anymore for him to lower her to a safer height. She speeds out of the ship, ultimately forgetting about her backpack and only brought her lightsaber with her.

“Well, kid’s been homesick after being in that snowcone of a planet, huh?” Greez pointed the empty space over his shoulder with his two right thumbs.

“Yeah, I think she’s become more comfortable with the climate here in Zera,” Cal chuckled.

The two of you collected your possessions from the quarters and the rest of the crew accompanied you to the door.

“We’ll see you soon!” you bade.

“Don’t be a stranger, you two. After all, this is still your home,” Cere added.

—–

FIVE MONTHS AFTER CASSIDY’S GATHERING

The parents’ shifted in where they stood, watching Cassidy with great interest with her change of tactics; the question of what she’s planning to do next buzzed with anticipation.

The droid repeated its attack pattern, and Cassidy was about to put her plan into play. It would appear that her free hand acted as some sort of anchor to balance herself in her stances, her knees were buckled, and her movements were quite lively—matching up to the pace of the droid’s current pattern.

It was apparent that Cassidy had become more adept in fighting with her own lightsaber, compared to using only a plain prototype. The theory that having one’s own lightsaber amplified a Jedi’s skill lingered in your minds together, but the thought was immediately brushed off, returning your attention to the child.

The floating sphere suddenly became more aggressive, but that didn’t faze Cassidy. She’s delved in too deep with her one-on-one with this ball in the air, the sight of her parents were nothing but a mere blur in her vision now. The sphere zoomed in a quite abrupt speed, Cassidy’s head jerked to follow it, and sprang to its direction; affording only a second, she bounced off of her heels, planted the soles of her feet against a tree trunk—banking more air so she could make a jumping attack against the training droid, which looked up too little too late.

Two halves of what the droid was made out of plopped to the bed of earth.

“So-Sorry, I got carried away there,” she stammered while having the kick of adrenaline still in her blood vessels, it confused her parents why she was so apologetic about that.

“Not at all,” Cal rebutted. “For a moment there, you looked like you planned it all by yourself—at the expense of only a few seconds.”

“That’s quite impressive, to think fast within such a small window of chance,” you added. “That’s a remarkable trait that you should hone, Cassidy.”

“Really?”

In reply, you flick your eyebrows up while Cal busied himself with something.

“Let’s try something else—it’s pretty much the same as our daily instruction, but you can’t improve without a challenge in the way,”

Cal places a helmet with an opaque visor that covered her eyesight.

“Uh, how am I supposed to see the enemy—or the training sphere, in this case?”

“The eyes can deceive, but if you trust the Force as well as your instincts and emotions—letting it guide and flow within you, only then will the lack of sense of sight not be such a disadvantage. Let’s begin.”

There was no room for Cassidy to argue on that. She positioned herself in a stance, her yellow blade hummed lowly next to her ear and the hissing of the replacement training remote drowned out the sound of the insects and critters lurking amongst the trees.

Her anxiety was very evident—the calm exterior that she demonstrated while she still could use you eyesight had been reduced to a hunched, shaky demeanor.

“Relax,”

She rounded her lips to release the air that she had been keeping in her lungs, readjusted her fingers’ grip around the sleeve of the hilt; her ears twitched at the hiss of the training droid—indicating that it had moved, but to where?

Fair enough that her blade mirrored where the sphere had hovered to, though it was tricky to predict the timing of its attacks. Cassidy allowed herself to loosen, giving a part of herself to the Force.

One. Two.

On your left. She mentally coached herself, but it felt like she was only repeating the words the Force was telling her.

Three. Four.

Top.

Five!

The droid’s aggressive attack patterns were denied of a target from the young Padawan. The child never ceased to surprise you and your husband. For the next two waves of attack from the sphere, she was only hit once in total of three rounds against the hovering ball.

“Very good, Cassidy,” he affirmed. “Now, let’s change instruction.”

Cal produced a bipedal training droid into the scene, perhaps standing about 5’8, compared to the child who was a solid five-footer; its body was coated by its own shield generator, a single contact on any part it will automatically disable by itself—indicating success to the wielder who has tapped the shield with their weapon. This was a design that Cal took pride in—it was both efficient and innovative, without needing to harm either the droid or the live wielder.

The humanoid droid wielded an electrobaton, similar to the Scout Trooper’s weapon. The towering height may have taken the little one aback, but when her hand tightened, her nerves remembered the feel of the saber hilt.

Bringing both of her hands around the sleeve, she stood in front of the droid, holding a lunging stance with the enemy at the point of her blade—she anticipated the nearly-sentient being’s next move. It thrusted its baton towards her and quickly went out of its line of fire. However, the droid was quick to deflect her overhead strike. They traded strikes—the sunshine gold blade parrying against the indigo lightning crackles contained at one end of a stick.

“Cal, do you read?”

Cal’s comlink rang and he replied to acknowledge Cere.

“I’ve picked up a signal that came in. It’s a gunship, but not Imperial. I think it’s Mari Kosan,”

His eyebrows furrowed. What would she want to do here?

He asked Cere to verify if it was really her vessel and if it really was her aboard it; no doubt about it, the ship that just arrived is the partisan.

“Did she transmit anything?”

“She only asked where you’d be,” Cere received the coordinates of the Kestis homestead’s area coordinates from Cal in reply.

You sensed the distant growling of a ship’s throttle—distinctively different from the Mantis’s—and glanced to the side, to your husband for some enlightenment.

“It’s Mari,”

Your reaction was the mirror image of his own mere moments ago when Cere connected to his comlink. He noticed that your eyes have trailed away for a second, and he’s sensed it too—the gunship has touched the forest moon’s soil. There was a wordless exchange between you and Cal, he marched out of the clearing and you stayed put in watching over your daughter’s training session.

Cal personally met with Kosan, her ship had docked a few miles away from the homestead’s vicinity; he had already spotted her reaching halfway of the house. Mari immediately noticed Cal coming from the other direction and shifted there, she was flanked by four more soldiers.

The distance was now close between the Jedi and the partisan. They exchange greetings, simply by mentioning their names.

“It’s been a while,” Mari followed up.

“A few years or so,”

“How are you and [y/n]?”

“We’re holding up quite well—better than Ilaro, actually,”

“So sorry to hear what happened there,” she hung her head low. “It was your home albeit for a short time.”

“Yeah, it took us by surprise. Neither of us imagined that the Empire would get there, but at this kind of time, it shouldn’t come off as such,”

Mari Kosan hummed in reply, an agreeing tone at that. A brief moment hung between man and woman. Then in the silence, Mari had sensed Cal’s question coming on, so she beat him to it.

“Ever heard from Saw?”

“Not lately, why?”

“The last time my contacts found him, they told me he was close by this system,”

Cal flung his arms, gesturing the wide nothingness except for the green plains where they stand.

“And then they told me that the two Jedi who helped us in Kashyyyk lived in the said system.” Mari finished.

“I didn’t even know Saw had been close to us, geographically speaking. Ever since we got here, it was just the people in the Mantis, my wife and I, and—”

Mari spotted you coming out of the forest, catching a glimpse of his daughter holding your hand, Cal immediately followed where the partisan’s eyes were. You joined his side in front of Mari, standing behind your hip—almost as if hiding herself from the strangers—is Cassidy.

“Your daughter, no doubt. She has your hair and her mother’s eyes,” Mari pointed. “She’s a beautiful child.”

“Thank you,”

“Hello there,” Mari’s expression warmed to meet the child.

“Hi…” the child’s voice was barely inaudible, still shy of these armed people whom she’s seen for the very first time.

“Mari, it’s been a while,” you greeted.

“Yes, too long if I may say so,” she greeted back, speaking for the fine lines etching across her cheekbones and jaw.

“What’s this visit all about?”

Your inquisitive tone slightly shook the aging partisan, but she smiled the assumed tension away and answered directly.

“There’s a base in another moon, Yavin IV, where it’s safer. The rebellion. It’s been established a year ago, the growth is slow, but we have good people there—some of the partisans from Kashyyyk have already been moved there, either by their own volition or they’ve been scouted or endorsed. When I heard that you two were here, I knew I had to seek you out,”

“And you want to recruit us—as fighters? Just like back in Kashyyyk years ago?”

Your hold around Cassidy’s shoulder slowly reeled her in closer to you, imaginings of skirmishes flashed in your mind—back then, it felt like an honor to fight; but now that you have a family to take care of, second thoughts always followed behind.

“That decision lies with you alone. But I’d be lying if I said you won’t be fighting or encountering any danger. Still, it’s better than hopping from one planet or moon to the next just to elude the Empire without anyone but yourselves—that’s not exactly the most ideal lifestyle for a family.”

Husband and wife traded questioning glances, still not biting into Mari’s pitch.

“Think of it this way, you’ll have good people—some of whom you may know—surrounding you in a safe place. These people are fighting for the same thing—freedom, for all of the systems that the Empire has robbed of opportunities and own choices. Everybody’s tired of the suffocation, we’re just the handful of people who wanted to do something about it.”

Cal looked to you, he had sensed you’d been deliberating with yourself ever since Mari started pitching. Your eyes rolled down to Cassidy, she had been listening even though she barely grasp the concept of what this older woman is trying to pursue.

When she was received with silence and pensive stares, she collected her breath after that speech.

“The offer still stands, I’ll be in touch with you—Cere has a hold of my signal. Think about it, Cal, [y/n]. For your child’s sake,”

She turned face, she and her soldiers marched their way back to their gunship. You and your husband watched the group disappear from the glade. Cal shepherded mother and child to the homestead as night fell.

For hours, Cal felt your uneasiness, he had caught the shudders in your arms and hands whenever the two of you touch—accidentally or otherwise. That night, you had just finishing bathing Cassidy in time for bed, the sheen of her hair shone against the lamp’s light as you brushed her in neat, smooth strokes.

“Mom, who was that lady earlier?”

“That was Mari, a friend of ours. We fought bad guys together,”

“Why did she say that the other place is safer?” she turned around to face you, unintentionally moving away from the brush. “Are we in trouble here? Because I don’t sense any trouble or anything. It’s been really nice here.”

Her dark irises gleamed in the lamplight. For you, it was like looking back in a mirror—but it felt more like looking back and talking to your younger self of that exact age.

“What Mari means is that the other place, called Yavin, is much safer because we’ll have our other friends there,” you continued to brush her hair in that angle. “Unlike here: it’s just you, me, Daddy, aunts Cere and Merrin, and Greez.”

“Well, if the bad guys ever find us, I’ll help you and Dad in fighting them. I got my saber right here!” she extended her hand, pulled in her saber from the nightstand to her hand using the Force—proving her conviction.

“My, what a brave girl you’ve become,” you crooned, gently taking the weapon away from her hand, putting it back down on the nightstand and then cupping her cheeks. “I’m so proud.”

“Is our little girl ready for bed?” Cal popped into the room, joining you on Cassidy’s bed.

“I was just about to, Daddy,”

“Well, time to tuck you in, little champ!”

“You should’ve seen her earlier with the droid—evading its attacks like a Jedi Master,”

“Did she now?”

“Yeah, I went like this! And then that!” the child towered over her parents, standing up on her bed as she reenacted her movements from the training session earlier.

Cal caught her before she could get carried away and hurt herself off the bed, but he still encouraged and affirmed her, boosting her morale on her Jedi training.

“Any more training and you might beat me!”

“Yeah, I sure am!”

“Aww, I can’t let that happen—not until my scruffy kisses have something to say about it!”

Cal attacked Cassidy with his stubble, tickling her with his fingers wiggling across her sides while pricking her cheeks with the ends of his beard. Laughter squeaked out of the little girl’s throat, kicking and pushing away her dad but to no avail. Only when she had called you for her rescue did Cal ceased to attack her with tickles.

“Alright, alright, more tickles to come if you don’t go lights out now,” you playfully scolded.

“Okay, Mom, good night!” she leaned closer, wrapping you in a hug as she kissed your cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetie. And Daddy?”

Cassidy jokingly hesitated and wagged her finger at Cal, “No scruffy kisses?”

“No scruffy kisses, I promise,”

That was good enough for Cassidy. She threw her arms around Cal and aimed for his freckled cheeks to which he kissed her back and wrapped his arms around her as well. Over her shoulder, Cal exchanged glances and small smiles with you.

“Alrighty now, my little Padawan, good night,”

“Good night, Daddy, I love you,”

“I love you too, munchkin,”

You switched off the lamp on her nightstand, leaving the bedroom together with Cal. You stopped yourself in your tracks, turning around to see Cassidy falling asleep peacefully, warm in her bed under her wool blanket. Cal stood behind you, watching your daughter.

“When we had Cassidy, I never imagined it to be like this,” you shake your head, arms crossed while leaning against the door frame. “Yet somehow, I’ve always known such a time like this would come.”

Cal rested his chin over your shoulder, wrapping his arms around your waist while thoughtfully looking at your baby girl, “It’s not an easy childhood, but it’s the lengths that we do to keep her safe. To keep our family safe. She’ll understand when she’s older—we’ll help her understand.”

You peered to your side, Cal flashes a small yet fond smile. He inched closer, kissing your cheek; he takes your hand and spirits the two of you away from Cassidy’s bedroom.

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “ What Death Tastes Like” Part 5

Scarecrow’s daughter might be only 22, yet the terminal lung cancer she was diagnosed with six months ago didn’t discriminate against her age; the young woman didn’t show worrisome symptoms until it was too late. Y/N always had a fascination for the much older King of Gotham and despite the consequences, maybe it’s finally time to do something about it.

Part 1    Part 2   Part 3     Part 4

The Joker feels his face covered in soft kisses and although generally speaking he loves being pampered, this particular instance awakens his self-defense mechanism.

“What time is it?” J mutters.

“Let me see,” you stretch for your phone. “12:03 am.”

“I should go,” he lifts his head up from the pillow and you pull him back in your arms, yawning.

“Stay for a little bit longer, ok?”

“Why?”

“I wish to hold on to my birthday present for a few more minutes,” Y/N pleads with the man she senses doesn’t want to be there anymore. “Don’t worry, I’m aware it was a casual affair,” your sad smile prompts a completely out of context answer:

“If you noticed I fell asleep, you should have woken me up!” The King of Gotham complains.

“I fell asleep also,” you snuggle to him and since J is suddenly quiet you whisper. “It was amazing.”

He keeps staring which makes you wonder what the hell is going on in his mind right now.

“At least for me,” you underline after you grasp he won’t comment on the subject; you didn’t have a clue he’ll convert the night you spent together into awkwardness for no reason. “Get out of my tent!” you snap at his behavior, irritated. “Get out!” you shove him and The Clown Prince of Crime doesn’t budge.

“Why are you mad?” he finally addresses the annoyed Y/N.

“Because you’re a jerk!”

“Come again?!” The Joker frowns and Scarecrow’s daughter has a clever response; she doesn’t share his genes for nothing.

“I would but I guess you’re not a big fan of us having sex a second time!!!”

“Wow!” J bitterly scoffs. “You sure can twist a guy’s words, huh? If you really must pry into my personal life, I’ll have you know that I’m not used with small talk afterwards, understand?”

While you wonder if he’s bluffing, you can’t help offer the benefit of doubt served with a side of insolence.

“Well, maybe if you would give it a try with someone that actually cares, you’d have stuff to discuss.”

“Miss Crane, what makes you think Mara doesn’t like me?”

The Joker expects a feisty reply to his audacious remark yet he receives a piece of sturdy logic instead:

“If she was crazy in love, she wouldn’t agree and with this on and off relationship you two have.”

J is obviously displeased at your statement thus Y/N has to unleash her creativity in order to push him comprehend what she’s aiming at.

“The problem is you don’t approach anything important, you only shut down everyone. Even Emma believes she’s not yours.”

The King of Gotham was preparing to lash out but your latest sentence totally catches him off guard.

“What do you mean?!”

“You never talk about her mother granted she keeps asking so Emma presumes you probably stole her from an individual you consider your enemy and raised her as revenge.”

“Huh?!” The Joker gets on his elbow, appalled. “She is my daughter!”

“I say that to her when she panics, unfortunately random people do look similar…,” you twirl a strand of his green hair around your fingers. “Steering clear from issues we’re uncomfortable with doesn’t necessarily result in a positive outcome,” Y/N concludes and her partner is not excited at all.

“Are you psychoanalyzing me?!”

“I’m a Crane,” you peck his lips. “It’s in our blood.”

A lot of thoughts rushing behind those blue eyes and you’re confident his patience is running low; add a short fuse to the combo and according to your flawless instinct J will bite soon.

“Take me for example,” you attempt to cram in the main point of your dialogue before it happens. “I don’t care you’re older, I fancy your company nevertheless: you’re super handsome plus emotionally unattractive…”

“I’m what?!” The Joker interrupts.

“Umm… emotionally unattractive?” you hesitantly repeat while watching him jump off the pillows and start to collect his clothes in the semi darkness.

“Serves me right for sleeping with somebody half my age!” he growls at the young woman realizing she upset him with her rant.

“So you’re 46?” you struggle to joke at his affirmation.

“Listen here, Miss Crane!” J dresses in a hurry, angry at your stunt. “If you imagine you figured me out, you didn’t!! Nobody fucks with me!” he violently kicks the mattress and you can’t avoid it:

“I think I just did. Literally.”

The hate in his demeanor makes you regret opening up; your goal was to imply you like him no matter what yet the aftermath is way off what you intended.

“I apologize, OK?” you sigh and reach your hand for his.

“I hope you perish!” he strikes your fingers with such brutality it stings. “You’re dying anyway but hopefully the Cromyxillium kills you faster!” The Joker unzips the tent and leaves a shocked Y/N breathless at his hurtful tirade.

“That’s all you got? Stupid old man…” you whimper and cuddle under the thin blanket with his cushion.

Grief is not the correct term to describe what you experience for the moment: a perfect birthday turned into exactly the opposite in a blink of an eye simply because The Joker proved once more he has no concept on how to handle dynamite; fire suits him better.

***************

Next morning, 10:14am

“Are you hot or cold?” your father inquires since your intravenous therapy commenced 10 minutes ago.

“No,” you gaze at the IV bag and Jonathan lingers by your bed, reminding his offspring about their plan.

“We’ll do 3 hours on, 3 hours off; I’ll monitor your vitals and if you feel strange alert me immediately, deal?”

You nod a yes and his perseverance in aiding you with your terminal cancer evokes a sincere confession:

“Daddy…Thank you for trying to save me…I’m sorry I’m a burden…”

“A burden?!” Scarecrow mumbles.

There are a million facts you should evoke, yet the predominant one keeps hunting you.

“You buried yourself in the lab because of me…and Evelyn left…”

“Evelyn and I broke up for various motives,” your parent grumbles. “Saying I immersed myself into working because of you hints that I was forced into it against my will which is not true. I did everything out of love… I can’t bear the idea of losing you,” he kisses your temple; you wrap your free arm around his neck, squeezing him tight.

“You’re the best dad; I’m lucky you’re my father. If I die… you think mom is waiting for me?...”

Jonathan Crane has the weird sensation he’s choking; his wife died after you were born due to leukemia, now their daughter is fighting for survival: she’s plainly the last fortress separating him from utter madness.

“I couldn’t save your mother, but I’ll be damned if I let you die kid,” he caresses your cheek. “She can wait; I bet she’s not eager to take you with her,” Scarecrow reassures his daughter. “Rest honey.”

“I will…” you consent and Emma barging in the bedroom with her duffle bag switches your attention.

“I’m here, I’m here!” she exclaims. “Traffic was horrible, bad accident on the freeway!”

**************

11 am

“Are you comfortable?” Emma checks with her friend, not entirely certain how to bring up a very delicate topic clouding her usually bubbly disposition.

“Of course,” you smile and she wiggles in her recliner. “Are you?” you wink at her visible restlessness as you attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

“Y/N…,” she taps the fluffy carpet with her feet. “Mmmm… last night after we returned from the river I dropped by to see how you’re doing and… I came to your tent…,” Emma pauses seeing the stupefied expression on your face. “I…I found my father sleeping in there with you…”

You lick your lips and strain to keep your calm even if your heart is pounding out of your chest.

“Did my dad take advantage of you?” she lowers her voice and you can tell she’s torn apart by the horrible notion.

“He didn’t,” you shake your head.

“Dumb girl…” Emma admonishes without any trace of resentment; what else can she articulate in these circumstances regardless?  

“I can’t believe I’m inquiring… Did you use protection?”

“No…It just happened…”

“Oh my God!” the concerned judgement pressures you to continue:

“It didn’t end well so it’s fair to assume we’re not in any danger of me becoming your stepmom,” your tone diminishes and she leans over to scold when The Joker passes by the opened door without bothering to peek inside your bedroom; you didn’t spot him but Emma did.

“I’ll be back!” she hisses and you’re confused at her desire to leave you.

“Hey, where are you going?”

She ignores your question and races after The King of Gotham, catching up with him at the end of the long corridor.

“Dad!” Emma shouts and he turns around.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?!” she interrogates the clueless Joker.

“I’m meeting Crane. Is he downstairs?”

“In his lab compounding the next batch of Cromyxillium for Y/N,” she fumes at J’s impertinence. “Didn’t you forget something?”

He seems puzzled and Emma is not tricked by his deceiving performance.

“My best friend is in her quarters, uncertain if she’ll survive the cancer treatment. Are you pretending she doesn’t exist?”

“Meaning?” The Joker sneers.

“I know you slept with her!” the accusation follows instantly. “Don’t deny it! How could you take advantage of her?!”

The Clown Prince of Crime straightens his shoulders, aware he can’t negotiate his innocence out of this complicated riddle.

“I did not take advantage of her! How dare you accuse me of such low move?”

“You didn’t?” Emma closes the gap between them. “You know she has a crush on you and she’s vulnerable; what type of man would prey on that?!”

J is not thrilled with the innuendos and cuts her off:

“She basically begged for some and I obliged out of pity!”

Emma slaps him and The Joker gasps, enraged she had the audacity:

“Do that again and I’ll neglect you’re my daughter!” he growls and the serious threat doesn’t faze her.

“Hurt her more and I’ll forget you’re my father! If you are indeed my father,” she emphasizes while stomping away towards the kitchen.

“I am your father!” J simmers at her impeccable strategy: Emma is retreating to a different corner of the house giving him the opportunity to choose.

Who the heck knows if she’s actually his?

One thing is undeniable though: they share the same despicable temper.

****************

You discern The Joker in the doorway and your body stiffens; you stare at the TV screen wishing he’ll disappear.

“Where’s Crane?” J analyzes Y/N’s IV pole.

You don’t engage so his crankiness emerges.

“I suppose you didn’t flatlined yet!”

“Nope,” you grunt at the provocative declaration that served its goal: you did reply to The Clown’s rubbish.

“Where’s Crane?”

“I heard you the first time and I’m not sure why you focus your energy on a useless interrogation. You know where my father is!”

“Where?” The Joker’s vile attitude can’t compromise for less than instigating his fling.

“Please take your stuff that’s firm now but will get saggy in maximum 20 years and vanish!” the poisonous remark makes him groan.

“What stuff?!”

You check him out glaring at his mid-section before dismissing his presence.

“That’s the rudest fucking criticism ever!” The Joker barks and Y/N crabbily indicates:

“It’s not criticism, it’s reality! Gravity’s a bitch! Mara won’t mind, won’t she? After all, you two share a very special bond: on today, off tomorrow, hookup next week, take a break next month. Such dreamy relationship!”

“Do you have more derogatory references to my private life?!” J grinds his teeth ready to unleash several atrocities your way.

“No, too busy dying…” you show him the needle in your arm. “I don’t feel the pain from the medication burning my veins; I’m used with my sickness, with the ups and downs. What I do feel is the pain of being taken for granted.”

The Joker is not a fan of the insinuated context.  

“You said no strings attached!” he stresses the lack of commitment consented the previous evening.

“You’re the one that came to me; I thought it meant you were accepting to be the center of my universe.”

J ogles the ceiling of Y/N’s bedroom and assembles a couple of harsh disclosures in his brain when her entitled smirk halts the project.

“You’re buying it, aren’t you?” you chuckle at his astonishment. “I’m just messing with you Mister Joker; who in their right mind would make you the center of their universe?! You have 10 seconds to leave, otherwise I’ll scream and security will come!” you shelter your head with the quilt so you don’t have to see his mug anymore.

No outpour of vexation from his part which is cool: means he bailed.

The blanket is slowly pulled until your eyes emerge; J hovers your face, pissed at the unwelcomed clash.

“I’m checking if you kicked the bucket; corpses are usually covered thus my dilemma.”

“Go away!” you advise. “Or I’ll scream!”

You inhale preparing to yell: The Joker didn’t predict you’d defy him and he swiftly kisses you in order to stop the sounds.

The door is cracked and Emma witnesses the scene, reckoning bizarre elements:

Her father holds grudges and was mad at Y/N earlier due to whatever happened yesterday; nevertheless he still kissed her.

On the other hand, you were definitely miserable after your escapade, yet you didn’t reject him.

Emma may not be informed about the entire story, but one detail is crystal clear: the future is far from being simple.

 Also read: MASTERLIST

[geekns]

last night’s breakdown or...spectrum confessions

So i just wanted to saying something about the meltdown that some of you might have noticed last night (i know a couple of you did, though i think i managed to keep most of it under wraps).

I have a medical condition. It causes me to feel anxious and depressed. Constantly. To varying degrees. I take medication for it. I’ve tried to learn how to manage it. I try to hide it because the general public does not understand this condition. Furthermore, i don’t want to share the underlying trauma with anyone and everyone. I want to come across as a functioning adult as much as possible.

So even while I have spent fifteen years learning how to forgive the people who hurt me. And something like six months in therapy. And around two years being medicated...I still have occasional breakdowns.

Sometimes i still have a night where everything that i’m trying to keep copacetic, and acknowledged but not given free reign, takes over. It refuses to be medicated or meditated or prayed into compliance. It takes over me and pours out of me whether i want it or not. Suddenly i am not functioning, i am sobbing uncontrollably, and terrified, and feel guilty, and unloved, and imprisoned. And in those moments i want nothing more than to die. A part of me does not even trust myself not to harm myself. I want to be held (but am always alone). I want to protected (but never am). I am normally the person who takes care of others, no one ever takes care of me.

And i feel physically sick. Nausea, a headache, and body aches. Full body grief. Last night i was seeing flashing lights behind my eyelids as if i was having a seizure or on a bad trip. And the panic: the panic is in control, I cannot think straight. Even if i tell myself positive things, or try to use strategies for calming down, try to quiet my raging thoughts, the panic has free reign. It is in full control. And the only thing i can do is curl up in bed hugging my stuffed animal, clutching my blanket, waiting for it to end. And it won’t end until after I’ve slept it off. And I can’t sleep because I’m in fight or flight mode.

Maybe I should do some kickboxing when I get like this.

I’m going to confess, it was probably the worst it’s been in years last night. I was even trying to go to my safe place, and was kind of getting there (i usually can’t do my best safe place visualizing anymore, i think it’s the meds), but the person who normally talks me down from these things was not feeling safe last night. (His likeness was part of the reason i was freaking out tbh.) But even though i didn’t really want him there he didn’t go away, he stayed with me until i fell asleep.

I have imaginary friends sort of. Apparently they’re called tulpa? Though i don’t create or really control them, they just show up fully formed. Mostly when i’m panicking or worried. Whenever i need to talk things through that i have no one to talk to. The thing is, they always wear the likeness of real people, usually celebrities that play characters i strongly identify with. I used to get advice from Picard and Gandalf and Archer for instance. All of us sitting around a campfire on a beach. They’re always men, i don’t know why. (Hmm maybe that goes to daimons?) 

For example: one time i was on a train in Japan, underground, and a drunk man started yelling at two women halfway down the car. And i had a panic attack. And suddenly i was visualizing Twelve/PC talking me down from it, telling me to breathe, that i was safe, etc. Distracting me from the danger. (Two things: i read a story about him talking another fan down from a panic attack outside a convention later. And another male passenger escorted the drunk off the train at the next stop, but i was still panicking for a while. I still had to change trains and it would take me another hour to get home for the night.)

So part of the thing is that the thoughts i usually keep under control, don’t allow myself to dwell on, acknowledge but keep muted with optimism, become deafening and take over when this happens. I think way back when it would be 1-2 times a month, then 1-2 times a quarter, and now it’s 1-2 times a year, but it still happens. I used to just let all of the darkness come pouring out, usually through writing. I’m always alone. And i suppose it’s cathartic, but it’s horrific while it’s happening. I don’t recognize myself, the girl who never gives up and is always glass is 100% full. I don’t want to let others see it even as i’m desperate to be loved and held and accepted as i am.

It’s hard to explain.

When i wake up the next morning the darkness is gone. It’s quiet again, and i feel “normal” (normal for me). It’s hold is gone. Now i always live with a baseline amount of anxiety and depression, even while medicated. If i take too much medication i can’t sleep (i’m already an insomniac, i don’t need drugs making it worse) and so i can’t feel any sexual arousal at all...it really bothers me. It’s hard enough for me to become properly aroused without suppressing it entirely. I generally have to fantasize about something very specific (which let me tell you, the majority of you wouldn’t find to be sexy at all).

When i first went on the meds i spent months where i didn’t feel anything (other than that i was suddenly very chatty and animated in a completely uncharacteristic way) and i hated it. My mom doesn’t understand, doesn’t see repressed sexuality as a downside when i’m not married.

Re: asexuality. My grandma was on the spectrum (we always joke she had sex at least four times...resulting in four kids) and my mother probably is, too. I have had two short-lived dating relationships in which my only sexual desire was to satisfy my partner really. I don’t enjoy kissing. I do have a libido that’s greater than either my mother or grandma’s...but like i said, it’s fucked up and not initiated by any of the conventional methods. Kissing doesn’t make me feel like getting down, for instance. At least in my (so far limited) experience. I keep hoping that i’m actually demi and just need to meet the right person to make this a little bit easier for me. But it will probably just be something i have to work through for the rest of my life. 

Perhaps i should stipulate that I want to want to have sex. And when i do want to have sex i am always alone. And when i am with someone else the things that attract me are just odd. Being read aloud to, or talked to about nerdy things, got me farther than anything else. But it’s not the content so much as the mind that’s behind what’s being expressed.

I am certainly no expert on this subject. My therapist had never heard of demisexuality and had no input on asexuality. In other words, they were absolutely no help when it came to working through these issues, which is where I wanted to go (partially because i feel it may be tied in with my PTSD and is being repressed by fear).

Five types of attraction:

Romantic attraction: desiring a romantic relationship with someone

Aesthetic attraction: being attracted to someone based on how they look

Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold, or cuddle someone

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone

Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone

Most of my attraction is towards fictional characters (and to a varying extent the actors who play them). Both of my RL partners would only be physically expressive in private. They wouldn’t touch me in public. Or even in private spaces with others present. There was one i didn’t really know all that well and another who had hidden a lot from me up to that point even though he claimed he didn’t believe in hiding things from the person you’re dating. And we would be physical in private to varying degrees but i was left feeling largely unfulfilled. I kind of struggle with these definitions. Both of the guys I dated i had zero aesthetic attraction to but did have physical attraction to whereas they only wanted to express themselves sexually.

I strongly desire having a romantic relationship with someone but have for a very long time only had romantic attraction for fictional characters. I fairly recently had a physical and romantic attraction to someone for the first time, at first based on sapiosexual attraction that later became aesthetic attraction (why is there no listed attraction for this? I am usually attracted to people’s minds first).

I have very strong aesthetic attraction to certain actors...and this is a large part of the reason that i know i’m bi. But it isn’t only aesthetic for really strong attraction because i am sapiosexual and also strongly attracted to damaged, often misunderstood, people/characters. Case in point: Loki and Missy. In these cases i have strong physical attraction but not sexual attraction. I cannot fathom having sex with most characters or actors or people I meet in RL. I sometimes wonder what casual sex would be like but know that i could never...

I can only remember kissing someone (also a character) in a dream once and immediately put a stop to it, not because i wasn’t attracted to that person, but because they were unavailable in my mind. They were part of an OTP that i was not in. So there’s a strong romantic component for me.

Sensual or physical attraction is actually something I fantasize about a lot but have never experienced...outside of one platonic relationship. I had a friend when I lived in Japan who I wasn’t even particularly close to. But right away she would ask me if she could lean on me, lay against my lap, later link arms with. I can’t remember if we ever held hands. She was Chinese, and for an Asian girl this is very normal to do with platonic friends. Koreans call this “skin sisters.”

It was really weird for me because my own sisters don’t even want to do those sorts of things with me. I sometimes want to lean against my mother but most of my sisters would punch me rather than let me touch them affectionately. My youngest sister, once I came back from Japan, had reached a point where she was bolder and will goose, grope, grab, poke, pinch, try to pop my toes...it’s very disconcerting. She does things to me in front of others that i consider to be more sexual than platonic. Possibly because my only frame of reference is my father doing the same to my mother. She’s the only sister who will sometimes lean against me. But that was only after this friendship in Japan that was more physical than any of my “romantic” but-definitely-not-romantic partners. No kissing, but the sort of physical expression that i most long for.

Platonic attraction is rare for me. Extremely rare. Any platonic relationship i have pursued has always inevitably ended with spectacular heartbreak. In high school i was always on the outside. One platonic friendship ended dramatically (she had been hiding things from me, which is fine, but it ended badly and she moved away suddenly). Another platonic relationship fizzled because she was my best friend but i was just another friend for her. And whenever this happens to me, i am the friend that all plans will be cancelled with because the other friends have preference. And there was no big break there, i was old enough to not be heartbroken by it as i had by earlier examples of this. We still converse on FB and i am the person she came to first when she accidentally got pregnant in college. Have i mentioned that i’m the should people come to when they need emotional support? I’m a good listener and not judgmental and know when to give advice and when to stay mum.

Which brings me to spiritual attraction. We aren’t merely physical or mental beings. There is something else there. And my empathy, my spiritual center...there are times that i know things that i have no logical business knowing. I don’t always understand it, sometimes it’s a feeling, but my intuition is something that i’ve learned not to ignore. 

My last boss, i could tell he had anger issues. I only caught a glimpse of them once. He really liked me so i was fortunate. But every conversation we had after our initial meeting i could tell (spiritually) that he was potentially very dangerous to me emotionally. The more we interacted the more nervous it made me. Familiarity could lead to a loss of professional discretion.

Latter friend: i knew when she IMed me out of the blue after a six month drought that something big was up. She demurred that she couldn’t talk about it. I knew that the only reason that she had come to me was because she needed to tell me. Again, i had a feeling, and it turned out to be correct. She was pregnant. BF wanted her to abort. She didn’t believe in abortion. One conversation gave her the strength to stand up for herself and give her baby up for adoption.

Grandma: I was unable to go home for thanksgiving. Sister (roommate situation) went to her in-laws. I stayed home alone and worked. I was having panic attacks. I had the most heinous period of my entire life. A couple days later my dad calls me up and says: “Has anyone told you that Grandma is in the hospital? She had a heart attack.” No one had told me anything, I somehow knew something was wrong anyway. My brain just couldn’t make sense of it.

Kate Mulgrew: I somehow knew that she was looking for her daughter. Then-me interpreted this as Janeway having a missing daughter, expecting her to show up on the show and join the crew. What i didn’t realize that this was a real longing and need. I have carried this knowledge with me for over twenty years. I found out sometime within the past year that she had become pregnant early in her acting career, while on Ryan’s Hope, given her daughter up for closed adoption, regret it, and it was while she was on Voyager and coming into my awareness she was desperately searching for her, trying to find her, and did in fact find her. I had no rational way knowing any of that deeply personal information. I felt it anyway; deeply. In fact, it changed my life.

Which comes to emotional attraction. I really wanted to be an actor or an author. I don’t think I can memorize or anymore, my aphasia makes it extremely difficult to ad lib/improvise because there are road blocks where i cannot spontaneously retrieve the words i’m looking for. I don’t know if i’ll ever finish a novel, i’m hoping just to finish a lengthy fanfic at this point and then see what comes. A year ago i was doing much better, now it just feels like i’m under attack on all sides. But i feel a strong emotional attraction to artistic people in general.

This sometimes manifests as a sexual attraction for a short time. Sometimes. I can fantasize about a physical attraction...usually in the form of me comforting or being comforted. Sharing burdens. If i know that someone i’m attracted to or love is hurting then it hurts me, often with actual physical sensations (again with the spiritual connections). This tends to cause me to feel as if i “know people” or am kindred spirits with actors, authors, singers, etc. Again, i will sometimes know things that there’s no reason for me to know and is often pointless since it doesn’t enable me to comfort them when they don’t even know i exist.

I am generally okay with this, though it’s sometimes overwhelming. Sometime it feels like an inside joke or shared experience (rare for me outside family members) and gives me ecstatic joy. It’s really weird being an empath.

But again back to being demi: characters (or even the actors who play them) will sometimes feel like friends or family. Sometimes it translates to romantic or sexual attraction: this is very rare. It’s happened a handful of times, but it leaves me feeling completely broken. Why can’t i just be a normal person with normal relationships? Generally it is a positive thing because getting to share their experiences (through reading or watching) gives me a fair amount of feeling accepted, having someone to care for, and hope.

I am a very isolated person. I don’t currently have any RL friends. Most of my support network tends to be online but i don’t really have that going on for me since my last breakup (mutual friends seemed to stick with him, though one friend that was my friend first has since decided that he’s completely nuts and conveniently forgotten that she was the one to introduce us and encourage the pairing). And i know i’m weird but i actually don’t mind that. Having friends that live around the world? That have similar interests? But that i don’t have to get dressed and go outside my comfort zone to hang out with? Awesome.

A year ago i was living somewhere very isolated but i was in a good place because i was supporting myself, had been working full time and making career progress for the better part of a year, was okayish with being single, I had my new kitten, I was mostly happy. It would have been the ideal time for me to start a relationship. And i was actually feeling attracted to a coworker! Like that hadn’t happened for me in nearly twenty years!

But he didn’t want to be more. He wanted me to be the friend he went to to unload his emotional issues on. He didn’t want others to know. He didn’t want to be more than “professional” (it wasn’t professional what was going on, not really). And then COVID hit and everything started falling apart. Things had been wrong with that job that i was trying to stay separate from. Drama, potentially criminal actions, emotional outbursts. I got singed a few times. I knew that another coworker hated me. 

The second time they laid me off i packed everything up and moved back home. Upper management had been getting scary. I could tell that Grandma was reaching the end of her life and wanted to be near family. Which led to my last job, which i loved at first but couldn’t keep up with physically and that started to degrade my mental/emotional state. And then grandma died and i fell apart.

I’ve been trying to pull things back together. I really enjoy my current job but i don’t know if it will work out in the long term. The way the economy is going again...it’s scary. When Obama became president his policies were really punishing for the area. I had just graduated from college and couldn’t find full time work. I worked 2-3 part time jobs and lived with my parents because that was all i could afford. 

I went out on a couple of very large limbs trying to better my situation (teaching in Japan, CLD school) and neither has really. They were amazing opportunities but i get homesick. But then when i am here that’s bad for me emotionally. I need to find some sort of balance, and it’s looking like that balance is for me to live somewhere removed from family and only visit a couple times of years. Which i hate to do but i think i need those boundaries for my emotional well being. But i don’t know how i have a hope in hell of affording any of that. I have a couple of months left to figure it out before my lease is up on my apartment, i need to figure things out by then.

So all of this...i’m not trying to complain here. I know that i tend to come off that way because i’m just honest and matter of fact about things. This is the way things are in my experience. I’ve tried various ways to improve them. The reason i’m recording them is not to illicit pity. It’s so people who don’t have to deal with these issues can catch a glimpse of what it’s like and for others who deal with anxiety and depression can see that they’re not alone. That’s a huge deal. Wherever you are in your journey, you’re not alone, it may be a fight unique to your situation, but you’re not alone. Other people are suffering, too, and it’s not a competition. It’s okay.

I know that being single has its benefits. Living alone with a cat is not something i hate as a rule, let me tell you. What i do hate is not having two or more incomes coming into a household. It is extremely difficult in this day and age to make it alone. I don’t want to worry about anything but money is probably that biggest temptation. It leads to feeling like i’m trapped.

That’s probably why many relationships develop (a need for security) but i’m...i say it is like being broken. Maybe i am because of the PTSD. Maybe it’s just my normal for someone on the spectrum (and let me tell you that even claiming this as part of my identity triggers my imposter syndrome...all of this does really. I didn’t have to deal with the same level of physical abuse that many do so why can’t i just get over it, right?). But i dealt with enough that i cannot form relationships on convenience. I have to feel safe. I want to find someone who i could trust to raise kids with, to go the distance with.

Have i said yet that i tend to overthink things? 

I know that there’s not many of you who will have read this far. Thank you. Writing is part of my process in getting things reorganized in my shit show of a brain/heart/etc. The bottom line of this...i am improving grief wise, last night not withstanding. But i still want more. It’s my birthday and Christmas and it’s the hardest time for me in a way. Because it feels like i’m out of time. Another year has been lost forever. Have i made any progress at all? And it feels as if it’s already too late. My main goal in life was to become a mother and i can’t even have casual sex to manage it. I just can’t.

But there are spiritual things i’m trying to work through. That i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, really. Just i wonder about soul mates and twin flames and dreams/visions. I don’t know what the right choice is. Not for sure. And that is killing me because i want to know God’s will and do it. And i’m an impatient person who’s been waiting a particularly long time and i can’t say that i’ve gotten any better at it.

[orangeoctopi7]

Stupid Teen Emotions

@forduary Week three is travel/trapped. In this story, Stan and Ford TRAVEL back to the past, where they become TRAPPED! It fits!

Chapter 1:  Back in My Day

They didn’t sleep well, that first night. Ford stayed up late, because of course he would have stayed up into the wee hours of the night working on his perpetual motion machine in the original timeline. But he barely touched the project. With the knowledge he had now, he could probably build the whole thing tonight, but that would, of course, be changing the timeline. A younger Ford had learned a lot, working so hard and so long on this machine, and future Ford didn’t want to deprive his past self of that important lesson. So instead, he began writing, racking his brain for anything he could remember of January, 1969.

Stan tried to sleep at first, but he just couldn't. He was too anxious and excited, all rolled into one. So he instead dug out a few of his old comic books that never got thrown away.

They both must have fallen asleep at some point, because come morning, there was a rapping at the door that woke them both with a start.

“Get up, you two! You’re gonna be late for school!” A woman with a thick Jersey accent yelled through the door.

“M-mom?” Ford’s head lifted blearily off his desk.

“Wow, you are really taking the whole ‘stick to the timeline’ thing seriously.” Stan mused from his bottom bunk.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep at my desk…” Ford groaned.

“You never do, Sixer, you never do.”

They marched downstairs and into the kitchen, where their mother had a breakfast of hot cinnamon and apple oatmeal waiting for them. Stan was so happy to see her, he ran over and hugged her, pecking a swift kiss on her cheek.

"Aww, sweetie!" She planted a kiss on his forehead. "I'm still not paying your parking ticket." She added flatly.

"What parking ticket?" Stan asked, confused. "Oh, um, I mean, drat."

Ford was too tired to even work up the energy to be happy to see his mother. As he sat down, he automatically reached for the coffee pot. But a rolled up newspaper smacked his hand away.

“What d’you think you’re doin’?” Caryn asked, eyebrow raised.

“... getting my morning coffee?” Ford answered, addled.

“How many times do I have to tell you, honey? No coffee ‘til you’re 18. It’ll stunt your growth!”

Ford looked like he was about to have a fit.

“Wait, are we not 18?” Stan asked quickly. Luckily, his parents ignored his out-of-place comment.

“Ya don’t need coffee, ya need more sleep!” Filbrick grunted from behind his newspaper.

“You both drink ten cups a day!” Ford argued, his voice cracking again.

“That’s cuz we’re adults.” Filbrick growled, “Once you’re old an’ decrepit, you can drink all the coffee ya want.”

“Trust me, he will.” Stan said flatly.

Ford kicked him under the table. Hard. Stan cried out.

“Can it, you two!” Caryn scolded them, “You’ll wake up Shermie. I don’t wanna have to deal with three crying babies.”

The brothers finished their breakfast sullenly but quietly, and grabbed their backpacks before heading out the door.

“Think we should leave Shermie a note warning him to watch out for time travelers?” Stan asked as he fished out his keys to the STNLYMBL. “Y’know, for when he’s older?”

“Then Dipper and Mabel will be born later than 2000.” Ford reminded him irritably.

“Right.” Stan smacked himself. “Man, this sucks! Why time travel if we can’t make things better?”

Ford’s only reply was a surly sigh as he turned to the cafe next door.

“Hey, where’re you goin’?” Stan asked.

“To get some coffee!”

“Seriously, Sixer? Hot Belgian Waffles is next door, Mrs. DuBios will rat you out to Ma for sure!”

Ford heaved an even more enraged sigh that bordered on a growl, and turned on his heal to get into Stan’s car, slamming the door shut.

“Whoa, easy, we’ll just stop by the donut place on the boardwalk.” Stan reassured him as he started the car. “What’s gotten into you?”

The scientist groaned and pulled his fingers through his curly brown hair. “I don’t know! Normally it’s simple to just focus on my intellect and control my emotions, but it just isn’t working now for some reason!”

“‘Control’ your emotions, or bottle them up?” Stan muttered. Ford shot him a withering glare. “Shoot, I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud. Why do I keep doin’ that?”

“And the only reason I’m so mad in the first place is because I’m so tired!” Ford continued to rant, “I got at least four hours of sleep last night, it doesn’t make any sense!”

“Heh, guess teen Ford isn’t used to old man Ford’s space-sleep schedule. Or lack of sleep schedule, anyway.”

Ford’s face brightened into his ‘a-ha!’ expression. “Stanley, that’s it!”

“What?” 

“The reason I’m having such a hard time regulating my emotions, and the reason you can’t keep your mouth shut even more than usual! We may still have our minds from 2013, but our bodies are teenagers in the middle of puberty. Our hormone levels are magnitudes higher than what we’ve become accustomed to.”

“Great. Goin’ through puberty again. Just what everyone wants outta time travel.”

They pulled up to the donut shop on the boardwalk. Stan poked around in his seat and found a quarter, which he handed to Ford. Suddenly, his brother looked unsure.

“Stan, maybe you should hang onto this. You’re going to need all the money you can get, come summer.”

“It’s a freaking quarter, Poindexter.”

“Yeah, but a quarter is worth a lot more in 1969 than it will be in 2013! This is almost a whole gallon of gas!”

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. “Ten minutes ago you were about to have a meltdown because you couldn't get your morning coffee, just buy it, Ford!”

“Fine, but I’ll pay for it myself.”

“With what money, genius? You didn’t have a job in high school because you were too busy with your academic science nerd stuff! Now go buy yourself a cup of coffee, or I’ll make you walk the rest of the way to school.”

Ford frowned, but took the quarter. He couldn’t help but feel guilty as he got his cup of coffee. How could he or anyone else have ever said that Stan was the lazy one, when Stan was the only one who’d ever had a ‘real’ job? Even to this day, Ford had never had what anyone would call a normal job, barring that one summer he’d been a lifeguard at a waterpark in a dolphin-dominant dimension. He’d always relied on scholarships and grants and accademia, which was hard work, in its own way, but still.  It certainly wasn’t what his father would have called a real job. While traveling across dimensions, he’d relied on trading information and knowledge, building and selling inventions, and even, occasionally, stealing.

Stan was the one who’d gotten a minimum wage, part-time job selling popsicles on the beach. Stan was the one who’d entered local semi-pro boxing matches and brought home winnings. Stan was the one who’d saved up for his own car. 

“Ar-are you crying!?” Stan exclaimed when Ford climbed back into the car, cup of coffee in hand.  Ford reached up to wipe his eyes, surprised as his brother to find tears there.

“Oh geez, Stanford, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so harsh, I just--” Stan began to babble.

“N-no, it’s not you.” Ford found his voice wavering as soon as he tried to speak. “It’s just-- gah, I’m so stupid! Stupid hormonal chemical imbalance!”

Ford tried to keep himself from crying anymore by taking a big gulp of coffee. It wasn’t very good, and it was just this side of warm, but it instantly improved his mood.

“Ah, there’s that good dopamine.”

“Better?”

“Much. Let’s go. I think we’re already late.”

Despite the fact that they were ten minutes late, there were still several students milling about when they arrived at the school. The twins felt like they should stick out like a sore thumb, but nobody paid them any mind. 

“Ugh, never thought I’d come back here.” Stan grumbled.

“Well, look on the bright side!” Ford reassured him, “Now that you’ve studied quantum physics and run your own business for thirty years, Math and Science classes should be a breeze!”

“Hey, yeah! I can’t wait to see the look on Mr. Grauberger’s face when I can tell him exactly how much interest $300 will accumulate over 20 years!” But he paused. “Wait, what about changin’ the timeline? Pretty sure I never answered questions in class.”

“Oh, it wouldn’t make that much of a difference.” Ford scoffed. “Even if you get 100% on every quiz while we’re here, I don’t think it’d be enough to bring your grade up past a C, and you’ll be dropping out before graduation anyway.”

“Oh yeah….” Stan’s good mood quickly washed away.

Ford rested a comforting hand on his shoulder. “We know it all works out in the end.”

“Yeah…” Stan agreed, “but there was still a lot of heartache gettin’ there.”

[rotationalsymmetry]

Good morning world. And do you know what I’m thinking about this morning? Keiko (chill, autocorrect) on Deep Space Nine.

Partly because I’ve been thinking about how the show’s done her wrong since a few episodes into Season 1. Partly because, in the wake of the Atlanta shooting, it’s clearly past time to talk about how women of Asian descent are depicted in the media.

Rather go on and on about what the show did wrong, I’m going to start with what it did right, then move on into some suggestions for plot lines that might have gotten the audience into Keiko’s (and perhaps her daughter Molly’s) head better. Feel free to borrow for fanfic purposes. (And let me know if you do, or if someone else wrote some good Keiko and/or Molly fanfic I might enjoy.)

What's right: she’s a, not core character, but sort of second tier character who is on the show often. She has a respectable role: she’s a well-educated professional whose work is important to her, and a wife and mother. We also get hints of her having a life beyond that — not as much as I’d like, but for example at one point in the first season she’s away visiting her mother, and when she’s pregnant with her second child she keeps leading an active life. I think the show strikes an appropriate balance on sexuality: she’s married, we’re pretty sure she and Miles have sex, but she’s not presented as a sex object. And we don’t see her suffering more trauma than the other characters. As of where I'm currently at in Season 6, she's alive, and I have every reason to believe she'll stay alive through the end of the show. (A quick look at Memory Alpha confirms this.) Good stuff.

(She’s also in The Next Gen — parts of that I haven’t watched and others were a while back, so I’m going to stick to talking about her role in DS9.)

And...very nearly all the episodes she’s in, are very firmly from Mile’s perspective and not hers. (Even storylines that really should be about her: when she’s experiencing frustration at not being able to pursue her career and ends up going back to work, that episode is entirely from Mile’s perspective. She barely speaks a word in it.)

Contrast this to how Benjamin Sisko’s son and father are shown: Jake very much gets his own storylines and own life, and relationships that aren’t primarily about his father, even though his dad has a more central role in the show (and we definitely see their relationship from Benjamin’s perspective as well), and even though we rarely see Grandpa Sisko (huh, apparently his name is Joseph), you immediately get the sense of him as a strong-willed person who lives life on his own terms, and when he and Ben have conflicts you can understand his perspective easily. In spite of relatively little screen-time. Keiko gets far more screen time, but far less interiority. She’s presented in a way that’s hard to empathize with. And there’s less of a sense of who she is as an individual rather than as a role.

(BTW, if we got to see Keiko’s perspective more, whose would we see less of? Maybe Miles, who gets quite a lot of focus. Maybe Quark, maybe Julian...basically, I’m pretty sure if I went through the season and marked down which episodes were primarily about male characters vs primarily about female characters vs pretty balanced, the ratio would be telling. And it’s not like I don’t like the male characters (well, maybe I could do with less Quark) but... I don’t like them so much that I think the show is better for having shorted the women.)

I want to see Keiko have friends. I want to see her talk to other parents on the ship as a parent. That episode where Keiko’s off station and Miles has to figure out how to get their new baby to stay asleep? I want an episode where Miles is gone and Keiko has parenting struggles. Where we get into old conflicts between her and her mother or father that she has to work through as a parent herself. (This is not an unrealistic expectation -- we got that for Odo in one episode, and we got a similar thing with Kira processing her father's death while another character was dying.) I want Molly to go on her first sleep-over and Keiko to have conflicted feelings about her daughter growing up and for Molly to have conflicted feelings where she’s excited but...also kinda misses her mom.

I want to see how Keiko’s explaining the Dominion war to Molly and what she’s skipping over. I want to see Keiko worried about her husband (which, granted, we’ve seen that) and getting emotional support from someone else (which we haven’t really.) I want to see Keiko pursuing a hobby other than gardening. I want her to be really excited to introduce Molly to something that she loved growing up. (Specifically a Japanese cultural thing or not.) I want her to take Molly to a holosuite program that shows some Japanese architecture or history or gardens. I want there to be some conversation about language — sure, universal translators, but what do people speak on their own, and what does Molly grow up speaking?

(They’ve got an interracial/inter-cultural relationship and explore absolutely nothing about that.)

Since Keiko was a teacher for a while, is she absolutely obsessing over homeschooling Molly now that there’s no school?

I’m not sure I want to see Miles and Keiko have a “no one’s right” disagreement over how to raise their children, but that’s certainly a thing that could have happened. Or could happen indirectly: Miles isn’t the talking type and yet everyone on the station knows when he’s having wife troubles and are willing to give him advice. Who does Keiko get relationship advice from?

When Keiko and Miles are apart and Miles spends all his time playing darts with Julian or reenacting battles with Julian, who is Keiko connecting with?

(Side note: one thing that Brandon Sanderson does well in his fantasy novels such as the Mistborn Trilogy, is couples that are balanced in power and narrative significance. The show made a choice to have Miles be a more central character than Keiko. There’s no intrinsic reason they couldn’t have been on the same level of narrative significance.) (But even if they were going to be at unequal levels of significance, Keiko still could have been done much better.)

(And you’ll notice the show is almost going out of its way to avoid having any female characters with less significant recurring love interests. When they partner up Kira, it’s not with some guy who’s just nice and fun or a supportive boyfriend (someone analogous to what Leeta is for Julian or later Rom), somehow even though she’s one of the most powerful characters in the show (she’s second in command on the station) she keeps getting partnered up with characters who have more religious or civil power than she does, and who become very narratively significant at least for a little while. Female characters can be just love interests or family members, male characters have to be doing something big and important.)

I think the show overdoes romance, so this wouldn’t be my first choice, but...having an old flame of Keiko’s show up could be a thing that happened. Or having a thing where she notices an interesting stranger, and of course nothing happens because she’s married, but we still get to see Keiko as, you know, a woman with desires and interests that don’t always fit perfectly into her respectable well-ordered life. We could see mirror universe Keiko — I wonder what she’s like. Or some time travel alternate timeline story where she’s with someone else, or single and enjoying the single life. (Surely even if Keiko is overall happy with her life, surely sometimes she must wonder about the roads not taken.) We could have some indication that she too misses Miles when they’re not together, or we could see her excited to get more time away or get their quarters to herself while he’s away, or both because people are complicated.

What are Molly’s adventures? Who is she best friends with? Where’s her tension between growing up and becoming her own person vs wanting her parents’ love and approval? Where’s the episode where we’re all wait, she’s really not a little toddler any more, is she?

(We don’t even know what Molly thinks about having a baby brother — and that’s a huge, highly dramatic change in the life of a child.)

Where’s the episode where she desperately wants some pet that her parents don’t want her to have, or desperately wants some toy or activity that one or both thinks is unsafe, or where she wants to be on a sports team but there aren’t enough kids on the station, or where she has to say goodbye to the Bajoran friends she made, or she starts playing make believe games involving evacuating the station...

What if we got to see Keiko’s mother and learn something about her or the family history? What if Keiko had some aunt or uncle or sibling who showed up on the station some time, what might their relationship be like? Is there some family hero that Keiko’s always encouraging Molly to grow up to be like?

If the show’s writers truly couldn’t handle writing a child that young, this is Star Trek and we have time travel — there’s no reason we couldn’t have an episode involving future grown up Molly O’Brien.

What if we got some terribly retconned explanation for why Keiko, a professionally trained botanist, was mysteriously ready and eager to step into schoolteacher mode even though that’s its own profession that requires years of specialized higher education? Did...did Keiko for some reason study to be a teacher, have something go wrong, and then go with botany as Life Pursuits Take 2? (Perhaps she was pushed into being a teacher then decided she loved botany more? But she didn’t actually dislike teaching?)

What if we actually got an episode centered around her being a botanist and exploring alien plants? There’s possibilities there — heck, one of the most popular TOS episodes centered around space wheat, so why not? I want an alien planet where all the plants are yellow or hot pink because they photosynthesize with something other than chlorophyll. Why not? (Did you know there’s an old school Piers Anthony sci fi book about killer mushrooms? Not joking.)

She’s the only woman of color who’s a regular character on the show throughout the whole series. She’s one of the few Asian-descent women who’s on American TV at all. She deserved better.

And I think we should talk about how she, and other characters, could have been written better.

[ladyideal]

Our Love 2/3

Pairing: Leonard McCoy x Reader

Word Count: 3359

Warning: Whoo boy. Cursing, fighting, alcohol, slight fluff at the end, mention of character death, mostly angst and couples arguing

Summary: Two years since you met Leonard at the cafe, and you were together. Now working together on the Enterprise, you were happy. He was CMO, and you were First Officer on board. Concerned over Leonard’s health, you forced him to take a few days break, only to have it backfire in your face. 

A/N: Each part can stand on its own, if you don’t feel like reading it as a series. This is the second part where I chose “The Good Stuff” By Kenny Chesney which I love. Hope y’all enjoy, and you too @cuddlememerrick. ~ Italicized are the lyrics!

Part 1 is here. Part 3 is here.

That was two years ago when you first met Leonard McCoy at the cafe.

Since then, Starfleet had called you back to serve on a ship. With tears, you hugged your mom and the rest of your friends, and bid them a good bye with the promise of calling when you can. Your dad died serving aboard the USS Valiant when you were five. For you though, this was a family tradition. Every generation had served in Starfleet, and you were the fifth. 

Tearfully, you had told Leonard the news. Only to hear that he too was going into space. With luck, maybe you two could serve on the same ship one day. It was easier knowing he was in space, that there was a chance you get to meet him. However, it was a double edged sword, as anytime you could lose your boyfriend to the dangers of what space was known for.

Surprise, surprise though. 

You surprisingly met Leonard on the Enterprise. You explained that Starfleet sent a message saying that you were going to serve as First Officer. Almost immediately, your boyfriend rolled his eyes, and introduced you to his best friend and Captain James Kirk.It wasn’t long before you made friends with him too. 

Now two years later, you had everything you could ever want. Friends, a loving boyfriend, and working on the best place you could ever be.

“Dozed off there, Commander?” Jim grinned from behind you. 

Chekov had taken a sick day off. After some bribing from him, you agreed to take his shift. You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed the same thing to you too, Jim,” You frowned down at the notes from the previous ensign at your console. “You drool most of the time.”

“You wound me,” The Captain gasped in mock disbelief, putting a hand over his heart. 

You snorted loudly. “If only that can wound you, then a killing blow must be the actual truth. Isn’t that right, Len?”

“What’s this about the truth?” The doctor asked, looking between you and his best friend as he entered from the turbolift, before settling a scowl at Jim. 

“Bones!” Jim hastily turned to his doctor. “Your girlfriend has been spreading rumors about me.”

“Our Jimmy boy over there disagrees that drools when he naps.” You cut in, ignoring the spluttering from Jim. “What do you say?”

“Infants,” Leonard scowled. “What do you want, Jim? I’m busy.”

Two years brought you more happiness than you’ve ever imagined. He was CMO, and you were the First Officer. Both you and him held busy lives, but you’ve always made sure to find time and try to be with him. After the first year, you moved in with him. 

As a couple, you’ve had your fair share of arguments with him. How you were the one doing the laundry, how the way he cleaned his dishes, how this and that, but nothing big. You were fully grown adults, and you and him did your best to try to reconcile in the middle. Win some, lose some.

Till now. 

“Sweetheart,” Leonard frowned down at his PADD. “Why did Jim put me on a two day leave?”

You tilted your PADD downwards to watch him angrily toss his onto the nightstand. “Yeah, you have a bad habit of overworking yourself, love.”

“You went behind my back, Y/N!”

You put your PADD down entirely, having a bad feeling that was going to go south really soon. “You need a break, Len. Every time you always come back exhausted, and almost all the time, I have to tow you out of your office so we can eat together,” You defended yourself. “I’m only looking out for your well being.”

“I don’t need a. Fucking. Break.” Leonard stalked towards your side of the bed. “What the hell gave you the right to look out for my well being?!”

“Because I'm your goddamn girlfriend!” You stood up. “And that gives me the right to look after you when something isn’t right. You and Jim are the same! You put on the weight of the entire fucking crew on yourself and more, without thinking of yourself first!”

“That does not give you the fucking right to go behind my back!” He stopped, mere inches from you. His face was set in angry lines, red, and even a vein popping out at his anger. Involuntarily, you took a step back and gulped. 

“Len, please,” You tried, eyes widening as he continued. 

“I can’t believe I trusted you!”

“Damn it Leonard McCoy,” You immediately shot back at him. “Would you listen to yourself for one damn minute? You can’t look after the goddamn crew if you can’t look after yourself first!”

“Forget it, Y/N.” Leonard spat, storming out your shared quarters.

When the doors slid shut, you stood there in shock. Before long, you spun on your heels and marched back towards the bedroom. Tears came streaming down, falling quietly onto the carpet below. Crawling into bed, you hugged your knees to your chest and bawled loudly, shaking as you did so. 

All you could do was cycle Leonard’s hard words over and over again, as if the repeat button was broken in, and there was nothing to stop it. It was never easy from the beginning. You knew this, Leonard knew it too. You enjoyed your job, and so did he. For the first time in a long time, you let yourself utterly break down.

“Doctor,” The bartender greeted when Leonard sat down on a bar stool. 

“Bourbon, on the rocks.” 

Wisely, the bartender left. Leonard held his head in his hands, not a single sound was uttered as he sat. A glass of bourbon sat untouched in the quiet bar.

Well, me and my lady had our first big fight 

So I drove around till I saw the neon light

The corner bar, it just seemed right so I pulled up

Not a soul around but the old bar keep

Down at the end lookin' half asleep

But he walked up and said, what'll it be?

I said the good stuff

He didn't reach around for the whiskey

He didn't pour me a beer

His blue eyes kinda went misty

He said you can't find that here

He was ready to spend the rest of his life with you. He was sure you were the one. After the divorce with Jocelyn, you had been there with him since that small cafe. It was easy being around you, almost as easy as breathing. Your smile shone as bright as the stars, your laughter was infectious, and he could get lost in your eyes every time he caught your gaze.

He’d fallen head over heels quickly, and you did too.

Cooking recipes together, eating burnt dinner, enjoying a brief time down at the holodeck. There was nothing you didn’t do on the ship together. He was nervous speaking with your mom the first time when you introduced them to each other. You were a mess when he did the same to you with his mom, Joanna, his sister, and his grandparents. 

Everyone got along well, and were hopeful that he would be it. Every time you went down for an away mission, he would be the one to patch you up. When he went down, you micromanaged up until he returned back into your arms once more.  

The ring was stuffed deep inside his pocket, an uncomfortable constant reminder that he’d made the choice. The subject was brought up after a drunk night, at the same bar he was in now. An old song played, and you told him what you wanted.

Marry him. 

Leonard had never thought that he would ever hear the words again. You had to be kidding, you couldn’t mean what you said. In the morning after, you assured him that you were 100% serious. If you were ever going to marry anyone, it would be him. No one else. 

You were his.

He was yours. 

He’d chosen the ring during one of the shore leaves, while you were out with your friends relaxing at the beaches. Jim had teased him the entire way there and back. It was a small market that he had looked around for. An artisan jeweler brought out the pieces, and after much thought, he had chosen a modest one. 

It was a promise. A promise of more in the future, and a life full of happiness. But now, it felt as if everything he’d worked for was crumbling down. 

“I apologize for intruding, doctor,” The bartender hesitated, barging into Leonard’s thoughts. “A fight with the Commander?”

'Cause its the first long kiss on a second date

Momma's all worried when you get home late

And droppin' the ring in the spaghetti plate

'Cause you're hands are shakin' so much

And its the way that she looks with her eyes and her hair

Eatin' burnt suppers the whole first year

And askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up

Yeah man, that's the good stuff

It was just a relationship hurdle Leonard had to go through. Everyone did.  He wanted you and him to work, badly. Jim was no help, and so the only logical thing was to explain it all. He didn’t know how long it was since he last asked for help.

Him and Jocelyn went to marriage counseling, but that fell through immediately. It wasn’t long before they were arguing again, bringing the whole house down. As the rift widened, he knew it wasn’t long before they separated. 

He was right. Now, he didn’t want a repeat number two. 

“Doc, I met my wife five years ago,” The bartender started placing the clean glasses away, reminding of how Leonard first met you. “Lost her after a year together on the Valiant. It was a new planet, and she was a scientist that wanted to know as much as she could. I regret it all, spending my time drinking at a bar when I could’ve been with her.”

Leonard frowned, rolling his glass around in confusion. “I don’t-.”

“Alcohol changes nothing. The problem at the end, is just swept under the rug where hopefully no one ever notices it,” The bartender continued, as though he didn’t hear the doctor in front of him. “But what you don’t know is that turning a blind eye only makes the problem grow bigger.”

He paused. “If I had known that Morgan would be brought back home in just a year, I would take it all back. All the arguing, all the anger, just to be able to see her smile again. It’s not worth it, worth the shouting, worth the pain.  I’d do anything to keep her happy, and I’m sure that’s what you want with Y/N also.”

Leonard nodded, taking a sip as he listened. 

“I spent it all at the bar here. We fought. I drank. We fought more. I drank more. It was a continuous cycle of love and hate. Eventually, we would crash and burn. We would forgive each other, and try to move on. In the morning before she died, we fought too. I told her it was too dangerous, that someone else could go in her place. But my wife was stubborn, said that it was her job as a scientist and to document it all. She later died in my arms, thinking that I hated her.”

The bartender took a sip from his water, looking forlornly out the window. 

Leonard stared down at his empty glass, contemplating the words. When he and Jocelyn started fighting, he had ended up turning to alcohol. Too close with alcohol in fact. Being a resident kept him busy, almost always around the clock at the hospital. It was always work, went home to sleep, and then went back to work again. He took it all for granted, and he paid the price.

Now, he was noticing the pattern again. Working down at the medbay, and only coming back to his quarters dead on his feet. He knew what he had to do. 

He grabbed a carton of milk and he poured a glass

And I smiled and said I'll have some of that

We sat there and talked as an hour passed like old friends

I saw a black and white picture and it caught my stare

It was a pretty girl with bu-font hair

He said, that's my Bonnie, taken 'bout a year after we wed

He said, I spent five years in the bar when the cancer took her from me

But I've been sober three years now

'Cause the one thing's stronger than the whiskey

“Now all I have left of her are my two kids that I raised on my own, and I’ve told them the same that I’m telling you now. Life is too short to focus on the small arguments, to waste it all away on something far less precious than the one you want to be with the rest of your life. Even more so, when no one knows when we will pass out in space where our control is out of our hands, doc.”

Leonard looked back up at the bartender, who was now leaning against the counter. 

“And your kids now?”

 “Morgan didn’t watch them grow up into the adults they are now, and didn’t hold what would have been our grandchildren. All I could remember was drinking all the time in order to drown my sorrows away, and hopefully forget it all.They keep me sober for two years now, and I do it for them now.   Both have their momma’s eyes. But I still miss her like crazy. I miss her laugh, her smile, her jokes, her eyes, the way she moves, everything. What I have left now are memories and a picture of her.”

He indicated a small colored photo propped up against a shot glass with a slight nod. “I keep her on me at all times. But most of my memories were hardly good. So I live with the regret of yelling and arguing at her for the rest of my life. I hope she’s up there somewhere though, in a better place and have forgiven me.”

“If I had the chance to do it right, I would take it within a heartbeat. Don’t repeat what I did. You never know when the good Lord will call your loved ones home.”  

“I understand what you’re tryin’ to say,” Leonard quietly spoke. 

“Here,” The bartender slid a glass of water over to the doctor. “I hope you keep this in mind, doc. We’ve only got one chance to get this right.” 

Was the sight of her holdin' my baby girl

The way she adored that string of pearls

I gave her the day that our youngest boy Earl

Married his high school love

And its a new t-shirt sayin' I'm a grandpa

Bein' right there as our time got small

And holdin' her hand when good the Lord called her up

Yeah man that's the good stuff

“I-I should go,” Leonard stood up, reaching over to pay for his drink. He drained his glass of water quickly. 

“It’s on me, doc,” The bartender waved his offered credits away. “For my wife Morgan.”

Thanking him, he hurried back to his shared quarters, desperately hoping you were still there. He knew what he had to say. All he needed was you to not have left. It would crush him even more if you did. No, he convinced himself. You were still there of course, but unhappy and upset. 

Rightly so. 

You didn’t know how long it had been since Leonard left, but you assumed it must have been a bit by now. Your mind still echoed of his anger, and it was all you could think about. The crying hadn’t exactly stopped either, only enough for you to suffer in the silence. 

It was silent enough that you heard the doors slid open though, and curled up tighter into a fetal position. You hid deeper under the covers, desperately hoping that he wouldn’t be able to immediately see you. You shivered as you heard his footsteps approach. 

“Still here, sugar?” Leonard called out from the hallway. He waited a moment for a reply, a sound, anything, but heaved a heavy sigh in the silence. “Thought so,” he mumbled, slowly making his way towards the bedroom. 

You kept your eyes on your pillow, one side of your cheek brushing against the wetness of the pillow cover. It was easier to not meet his gaze, or anything to associate with him. You whimpered quietly, eyes glassy and faraway. When the mattress dipped beside you, you kept your eyes focused on the other wall, refusing to look at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry. 

It’s all you’ve known previously. You’d hoped this time, it would be different. Clearly not. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it, I swear,” He murmured, slowly sliding his way into the covers beside you. His voice always soothed you, and this time it was no different. Yet, you still didn’t move.

Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around you in an effort to bring you closer to him. Wrenched out of your mind by the sudden contact, you flinched and jumped, before finally turning around to fully face him. 

Leonard looked wounded. For a moment, the self loathing crossed his face before it disappeared as quickly as it came. You knew Leonard, knew him enough that he would never hurt you. Therefore, you trusted him more than you had ever trusted anyone outside your immediate family. 

The mind was cruel that way. It twisted and turned, whispering words of pain and distrust after the fight. Playing a trick was how the mind defended itself, but his time, it was hurting you in its path of self defense. Sniffling, you slowly looked up from his blue tunic and up to his eyes. All you could see reflected in his eyes was apologetic, understanding, and most importantly, love.

“I’m here, sweetheart,” he continued, his voice soft and gentler than he had ever used on you. You whimpered once more, and he squeezed you tighter in his arms. “I know. It’s alright.” You ducked your head back down, letting out a sigh of relief that you didn’t know you were holding in, and laid your head on his chest. 

And cried once more. 

“I’m so sorry, sugar,” Leonard spoke lowly. Bit by bit, your tears stopped falling. Quieting down after some time, you let Leonard gently wipe away tear streaks upon your cheeks. You cleared your scratchy throat, hoping to get the words.

“Should’ve told you,” You managed out, looking tearfully back up at him. 

“Let me hold you for tonight, worry about that tomorrow.”

He said, when you get home she'll start to cry

When she says, I'm sorry, say so am I

Look into those eyes so deep in love and drink it up

'Cause that's the good stuff

“I’m not going to break up with you.” Was the first thing you said in the morning over breakfast. You’d taken the day off, knowing that even if you went back to work in the state you were in at the moment, Jim would just take you off anyways. Plus Leonard mattered more to you than a job. He was your everything, and you would do anything to fix this together.

Leonard came first. Job came second.

Leonard frowned, nearly choking over his spit at your words. “You should be furious with me.”

You only shook your head, poking your eggs around before taking a bite. “It's not the first time I've gone through this, Len.” A pause. “And I should’ve known better.” 

“You were looking out for me, sweetheart, and I’m sorry that I yelled at you.”

You reached out with your other hand to grab his, rubbing circles into his skin in an attempt to soothe him. “Thank you.”

That's the good stuff

ST Tags: @mournthewicked​ (You’re the best, thank you.)

[eponymous-rose]

Ten Good Things for the weekend trip + Five Good Things for today!

1. It started hailing out of nowhere, and we were all very delighted by the weirdness of it, even having grown up in an extremely hail-prone place. Dad and I ran out to the balcony and caught handfuls of tiny hailstones, then brought them in to dump into Mom’s hands (she thought we were bringing her herbs from the little garden or something and was hilariously indignant when we just dumped ice water on her).

2. I brought cookies across the border from a very cool bakery near where I live and had been told it was all shortbread, but then some of the cookies were very very spicy cardamom??? Amazing!

3. We went to a new restaurant we’d never been to before right on the harbor and watched the sailboats come in and park. Parking a sailboat at a crowded dock sounds like the world’s most expensive game of dominoes waiting to happen, so it was awesome to see the precision involved!

4. My brother had just picked up a bunch of new sets of D&D dice and he and I messed around with them for a while, test-rolling (very important quality control) and swapping tales of DMing. He had a very cool idea for a puzzle-based boss battle that I may have to steal for my own campaign...

5. Dad has apparently been ensuring that there’s a fresh vase of cheerful-colored flowers on the living room table at all times, and the bright oranges and reds of this weekend’s offering were just stunning when the sun shone through them.

6. Leaning way out over the balcony to try to find a rainbow during a sun shower, Dad and I could only see the very end of one sticking directly out of an otherwise unassuming neighborhood. Like, yes, this particular intersection is now A RAINBOW. Very good.

7. After growing up entirely landlocked, some quite choppy water on the crossing (”choppy” as in “people were falling when they tried to get up and walk”) taught me that I’m not in fact especially prone to seasickness, which is great to know! It felt like an oddly soothing roller coaster. Bizarrely entertaining.

8. Speaking of, nobody sat next to me on the boat on either leg of the journey! Lots of room to stretch out and read a book.

9. Mom and Dad got very giggly picking out what amounted to couples’ cosplays based on what kind of wig Mom’s going to buy. They were looking at Buzzfeed rankings of the top wigs on various TV shows. Amazing.

10. The kitties were very skittish while I was gone, and I was worried I’d get home and find they’d completely reverted to their near-feral terror of humans, but the second after I walked through the door, Hector snuck slowly out to look at me... and immediately rolled over and started purring, and didn’t stop until he fell asleep that night. (Clara also came out quickly for pets and cuddles!) Awesome care while I was gone made all the difference. <333

And for today!

1. Actually had a thoroughly enjoyable conference call, for once! I was worried because everyone had already discussed all the topic ideas I was interested in, so when the conversation came around to me, I had to just make up a completely improvised topic for a seminar. But it really took off, and my co-coordinator for this particular seminar turns out to have such oddly specific expertise that she can actually be one of our panel of experts! Really cool that it worked out so well. (Also, one of my best friends got admitted to this program, and the random number generator placed her in my peer mentoring group! Very elementary school “the teacher wanted to separate us but the randomizer still put us together!” moment.)

2. After stressing all night about having to get Hector into his carrier for his vet visit today (it’s a new carrier but I couldn’t figure out the dang toploading mechanism) I got him into the carrier on the first try! In contrast, last time I had to cancel his vet appointment because, after an hour and a half, I still couldn’t get him into the carrier. (He did Super Great at the vet’s office today!)

3. Today’s lecture in class was really fun! Less than half of the class showed up (hey, they’re seniors and the quarter’s almost over), but the ones that did were really excited about the material and participated a bunch. We talked about relatively cutting-edge radar technology, too, so they got to have that glimpse into really immediate research-relevant discussions, which doesn’t happen as often as it should at the undergrad level.

4. We hired a new admin staff member to help coordinate the graduate program (she did exactly this job for fifteen years in another department, so we’re really lucky to have her), and we threw her a welcome party, complete with fresh-baked banana bread! She was really nice, and joked that now I can finally feel like I’m no longer the new kid on the block.

5. The professor in the office next to mine is finally back after flying planes for Science for the past three months! She seemed pretty stressed (now comes the fun part of “what the hell happened to all the data that looked so good at the time”), but relieved to be back. She has to go out again for three months next winter and the winter after that, though! That’s a huge time commitment. Regardless, I know she loves this stuff, and it’s so great that she’s back. Once things have calmed down a little, I’m going to suggest we start merging our research groups for occasional group meetings, since I’m already coadvising one of her postdocs and on the committee of one of her Master’s students. Collaboration!

[kz-i-co]

Summer Camp: Part III

» Summary: Song tries to drag you out once again but things don't go as planned.

» Pairing: Song Yunhyeong x Reader

» Genre: fluff

» Words: 3.2k

» Part 1 | Part 2

» m.list ╫ ikon masterlist

-

You pinched the tarantula cage as you marched to the boys cabin. You made sure to get up extra early so you could give Yunhyeong a piece of your mind.

You entered the boys cabin with anger noticing all the boys still fast asleep. Once you opened Yunhyeong's room he was just putting on his shirt.

"Hey." He said with a smile until he saw what you were holding. "Oh right. I'm sorry about that."

"What the fuck." You whispered but the anger was still in your voice.

"It wasn't my idea.......It's in a cage, they wanted to let it out, but Mrs. Nu wouldn't be happy about that."

"So they stole from the science lab. Now you're training criminals." You rolled your eyes.

He took the cage off your hands looking at you with guilt. "I'll talk to them."

Your expression didn't change. "I'll make it up to you I promise." He walked past you into the boys cabin. He blew the whistle startling all the boys awake.

"LISTEN UP! I know you guys have had fun pranking the girls but unfortunately it needs to end." The boys groaned. "The pranks have gotten too out of hand and the owner is not happy. So just enjoy the rest of your summer and maybe instead of teasing the girls, start making friends with them because they're pretty cool once you get to know them."

"Also the last one ready is going to be Counselor (Y/N)'s slave for the rest of the day." Then he left with no response and you followed him awkwardly.

"Yunhyeong What the hell." You said.

"What?"

"My slave? Really?"

"It's funny. I hope it's Youngjun."

"What's with you and that kid?"

"His mom is friends with my mom. I used to babysit the twerp." He laughed. "But anyway....you want to do something later? It's movie night."

"I don't know." You we're unsure. "We will still be on duty."

"Nah. The movie grabs everyone's attention."

"We'll see."

The boys came running out and Youngjun was the first. "Youngjun can you grab my clip board I forgot it." Yunhyeong asked. He ran back inside and came running out a second later. "Oh Youngjun! You're last that means you have to be Counselor (Y/N)'s slave."

"But you asked me to go inside." He whined.

"You could of been a little faster." He smirked.

"Yunhyeong stop." You said as your girls came out.

"Don't worry, she's a softy. She'll go easy on you." He laughed but the poor boy kept whining.

"Hey." He leaned over to talk to Youngjun more quietly, so you couldn't hear what he was saying. The boy grew a smile and ran off to the rest of the boys.

"What did you tell him?" You glared.

"Nothing." He shrugged.

"Alright So you guys are with Mrs. Nu first and please give this back to her." He handed one of the boys the tarantula cage, showing no sigh of fear what's so ever.

....

As you walked the path to the main camp sight, you and Yunhyeong walked a close distance behind the kids. Your sight was all around, looking at the tall trees and the different sight of birds flying from tree to tree, just basically minding your own business until you felt Yunhyeong's hand interlock with yours. You arched your eye brows from the sudden gesture and noticed his eyes on the ground. You couldn't help but blush. He came off so cocky that you couldn't believe it was the same person. He was like a little boy with a crush, being all shy and timid, causing you to bite your lip to prevent from laughing.

"Yunhyeong?" You heard a familiar voice and he dropped your hand quickly.

"Yes ma'am." You saw his mother waiting at the end of the path. "Mrs. Nu will take over from here, I need to see you and Ms (Y/N)."

He nodded and you both followed her. She was intimidating as the boss but was sweet off the job. You figured she wanted to talk about the prank wars but hopefully she'll go soft.

"Sit down." She said once you and Yunhyeong were in her office. She tapped her finger nails across the desk.

"Can I just say it was my idea." Yunhyeong started.

"I'm not mad about the pranks." She started. "Though I better not hear from another staff finding some booby trapped toilet."

"I told the kids to stop." He spoke but the silence in the air was still intimidating.

"Ma'am are we in trouble?" You asked as the curiosity was killing you.

She stopped tapping and interlocked her hands ready to talk. "Jensen saw you two enter the storage room, soak and wet last night."

You took a deep breath trying not to panic.

"What were you two doing in there?" She said stern yet puzzled. "And at a quarter to midnight?"

"We were washing our clothes." He said but his mothers hard expression didn't soften. "We went swimming."

"At midnight?"

"I was dying to go in all day."

"Then go during your break. You have an hour." She said and then looked at you being quiet. "Why drag poor (Y/N) into your mess?"

"I didn't want to go alone." He shrugged.

She sighed leaning back into her chair. "Please no more sneaking around. After hours especially. If something happens to a child in your cabin and you're not there-"

"What's going to happen?" He said cutting her off.

"You never know." She said. "It's just safety precautions."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to hang out with (Y/N). It's been how long since we've seen each other?"

"I told you Yunhyeong, after 6 you and (Y/N) can go do whatever. Just ask permission first." She started. "I can send you on tank duty every once in a while. Give you some fresh air."

You had no idea what tank duty was but you were intrigued.

"Alright dismissed. No more scaring my night guard." She smiled.

You and Yunhyeong left feeling nervous. "What's tank duty?" You couldn't help but ask.

"We take all the canisters and fill them with gasoline for the golf karts and such."

"I'm sorry I got us in trouble. I didn't know we would get caught." He spoke up.

"It's fine I guess." You smiled. "We just need to be more careful next time."

He smiled at your answer and continued going back to the cafeteria for breakfast.

-

"Let's see if you guys can handle the zombie outbreak course. Muhahah." Yunhyeong said taking the kids to the level 5 obstacle course. You remembered this course when you were younger but you could tell they expanded it and made it more challenging. The theme was ghost busters back then but now zombies were the big thing.

"It was my idea to make it zombies." Yunhyeong could read your unamused expression.

"Of course." You smiled sarcastically. "Where did you buy those cut outs?"

"Different Halloween stores." He said going over to the stereo that was hooked up. As soon as he turned it on a bunch of typical zombie growls started up causing the kids to laugh.

"I'll let you guys try it out once and then we'll do ninja warrior style and see who's the fastest." You hated to say it but Yunhyeong was good at his job. He knew how to entertain kids no doubt. Without him here you would of just told the kids to have fun and be done with it, but he knew what kids liked and knew how to have fun.

You waved your hand in front of your face as the sun was glaring down on the both of you. It was the beginning of July and and one of the most hottest days yet of this summer.

"Over here." He stepped back a few steps to guide you to the shade. "It's not much but at least you won't have to worry about sun burn."

"Yeah. How do you deal with standing in this heat for hours."

"I'm used to it I guess." Then he blew his whistle. "Youngjun......water!"

Youngjun ran over to the cooler and pulled out a water bottle and ran over to you. He got down on his knees and held up the water. "For you, your highness." He spoke causing everyone to laugh.

"Thank you." You took the bottle and smacked Yunhyeong.

"What, he's your slave."

"I feel weird. Make him stop."

"Alright. Youngjun!" The poor kid pulled out a water and brought another one over for Yunhyeong. "Thanks buddy." He high fived him.

"You're gonna get us in trouble again." You mumbled.

"No worries." He smiled not giving you any detail.

"Okay you guys ready for the competition. Winner gets $10 for any junk food you want." Yunhyeong made his way over to the other side of the obstacle course. He had his stop watch and clipboard in hand ready for the competition to start. "We'll have one girl winner and one boy winner. Fair?"

The kids agreed in unison. "Ready.....go!"

You just stayed in your shade watching the competition. "Hey hun, how's it goin?" Esther greeted you.

"Good." You smiled.

"Is Yunhyeong being nice to you?" She asked.

"Yes. More importantly, is he being nice to the kids?" You laughed and she cracked a smiled.

"He's only teasing. Just like his father."

"For you, your majesty." Youngjun gave you your clipboard. "You must have dropped it." Then he ran back over to the rest of the kids.

"He's joking." You laughed nervously from Esthers expression. "I'm gonna use the bathroom." You walked off awkwardly and made your way into the bathroom. You took a piece of paper towel and soaked it in cold water wiping off your excess sweat.

As you grabbed your clipboard, ready to head out again, you noticed a folded piece of paper poking out. You took it out and opened it, fold by fold.

Meet me at Ravens bridge, tonight at 7:00pm.

You blushed reading the note. That was when everyone would be occupied by the movie showing. You were still nervous though. What if someone notices you were gone?

You took a deep breath and left the girls bathroom, heading into a water gun fight.

You were only in there for five minutes.

"There she is!" You heard the kids shouting and sprinted towards you.

"No no no. Stay back!" You ran off but the kids were already squirting you. "It's cold!" You screamed.

You saw Yunhyeong laughing as he was watching the whole thing. You managed to get away and grabbed the hose. You ran up to Yunhyeong and sprayed him in the face. He tried grab the hose from you causing the water to shower over both of you. You could tell the ground was getting all mushy and muddy causing you to slip. He laughed distracting himself, giving you the opening to take back the hose spraying him more. He turned away taking off as the kids followed your lead.

"Get him." They shouted.

"It's time to take the kids to- oh my goodness." The boss shook her head. "It's my fault for hiring a kid to look after kids." She smiled to Esther.

She blew her whistle causing the commotion to stop and you ran over to the side of the building turning off the hose. "Everyone having fun?"

The kids were all quiet.

"Alright. Showers and then cafeteria for dinner.....you two clean up first." She spoke before taking the kids.

You went around grabbing all the water guns and placing them in the cart as he picked up pieces of the obstacle course. The course was all muddy now from all the water.

You wheeled the equipment back into the storage unit. It was where you and Yunhyeong shared a moment last night. The memory just gave you a shiver up your spine.

You heard Yunhyeong sigh then lean against the washing machine.

"Your mom seems pretty mad, you don't think she'll fire us do you?"

"Nah, my mom loves you." He smiled.

"I'm not convinced." You shrugged.

"Don't worry about it. You did nothing wrong." He laughed.

"So about tonight?" He started. "Can I count on you?"

"I don't know." Your tone was conflicted. "We already got busted for last night."

"It won't be after midnight though the movie starts at 6:30. No one will know we're gone."

You pursed your lips. "Okay." You looked down hiding your smile. "You're not gonna murder me are you?"

He arched his eyebrows at your question. "The middle of the woods on the death bridge." You clarified. "It's seems pretty sketchy."

"I told you that bridge is perfectly safe, plus it's our spot."

"Our spot?" You laughed.

"Yeah. Don't you remember? I'm pretty sure I proposed to you on that bridge."

"First of all, we were 9 and second, you pushed me and made me cry and gave me a flower out of guilt."

"But I got down on one knee."

"To tie your shoe."

"Yes technically but I meant it for you." He said causing you to laugh.

"You're such an idiot."

You laughed and looked down remembering you both were covered in mud. "We better go shower."

"Nah, it's a good look for you." He started walking towards the door.

You rolled your eyes and followed him outside.

....

Time was ticking, making you more nervous. It was already 6:15 and the kids were gathering their dinner, getting ready for the movie. How were you gonna sneak away?

"Oh (Y/N) can you fill all the napkin dispensers?"

"Of course." You got up and checked the time. It was 6:25. You went around to each table like you were told as you search around the room for Yunhyeong. He was nowhere in site. Where was he?

"Looking for Song?" You looked behind you startled and saw Jae smiling as he pushed his glasses up in place. "The boss put him on film duty."

"Film duty?" You asked.

"He has to watch the reel in the booth."

"Oh really?" You said trying not to sound disappointed.

"We usually all take turns. It's easy."

"Sucks too be him." You laughed nervously.

Does that mean the meet up is cancelled?

As the movie started you sat bored, chipping the polish off your fingernails. The film was one you watched a million times. Time was ticking once again as you noticed it was only five minutes to 7. What if he got out of it and was already on his way to meet you? You didn't want to stand him up but on the other hand show up being all alone in the woods. You got slowly and looked at the other counselors as you caught their attention.

"Bathroom." You smiled nervously and made your way down the hall. You were about to leave out the door until you saw the door to the projector room.

You entered slowly and saw a grouchy Yunhyeong clicking through his phone. "How dare you stand me up?" You teased.

He sat up staring at you surprised. "I'm sorry (Y/N), my mom is being unbelievable. She caught me trying to sneak out."

"That's ashamed." You said pulling up a chair. "So what were you gonna show me exactly?"

"I had a huge crush on you back when we were 10 and I carved our names in a tree." He blushed. "It's stupid but I just wanted to explain why I was an asshole to you." You couldn't help but giggle.

The movie reached its main menu causing him to get up and activate the laptop. You got up following him seeing a bunch of camp photos placed on the wall.

"I noticed that when I got in here." He laughed and you noticed a photo of the both of you during your crazy paint balloon fight.

"You look the same." You laughed.

"You look the same." He fought back that you couldn't help but blush at his cute pout.

"So about this tree, when can we see it?"

"Are you suggesting we sneak out again?" He smirked by the look of your pleading expression.

"Maybe." You shrugged. "But for now what should we do?" You leaned against the counter.

You grabbed his shirt pulling him closer since he was getting the message and brought your lips to his. He didn't hesitate to kiss you back and he had you sitting back making himself comfortable as you wrapped your legs around his waist.

"You don't think anyone will come in here do you?"

"I hope not." He said already out of breath and returned kissing deeply.

You ran your fingers through the back of his hair as the kiss turned more desperate. He held his hand along your neck for support as he towered over you.

He moved his hips along with yours causing more friction. You couldn't help but moan causing him to pull away and begin down your neck. Your stomach immediately erupted with butterflies. His hand dragged down your side until it laid nicely on your hip. He played with the hem of your shirt, tugging on the material.

The muffled laughter coming from the other room pulled you back to reality. You completely forgot where you even were.

"I think we should call it a night." You began causing him to pull away. "I don't want either of us to get into trouble."

He nodded respectfully and kissed your lips one last time slowly. "I feel like my mom already suspects something." He laughed softly. "She's pretty smart."

"I better get back out there." You began walking but before you could open the door, it opened revealing his mother.

"Oh (Y/N), How are you?"

"Good, I was just-"

"It's okay sweetie, I know you two are friends." She said politely, causing you to be more nervous then before. She definitely knew.

"Yunhyeong when the movie hits 45, we're gonna let the kids have a bathroom break."

"Okay."

"Oh (Y/N)..." You followed her out of the room. "The counselors are handing out water, do you mind helping."

"Of course not."

....

The kids were yawning left and right as you walked them back towards your cabin.

"Sorry about our plan turning to shit." Yunhyeong spoke to you causing some of the kids to turn their heads. "You're 13, I'm sure you've heard that word before.....except Youngjun who is only 10, my apologies."

You couldn't help but giggle as the teasing never got old. "That's okay. You still got another 5 weeks to show me."

"Show you what?" Your conversation became the kids conversation as well.

"The dead body I found in the woods." Yunhyeong spoke before you could.

"Don't tell them that. You'll give them nightmares." You pushed him gently.

"Okay, brush teeth and get to bed." You spoke as you got to your cabin and the kids followed through.

"Maybe not tonight but I'll find a way."

"I'm sure you will." You arched your eyebrows ready to head into your cabin.

"Goodnight (Y/N)."

"Night."

[tornadoofcreation]

Lloyd Heacanons Pt. 2

~I don’t think there’s anything too bad in here, but trigger warning for slight mentions of anxiety~

These also got really long, oops sorry

* He gets stomachaches and headaches when he’s stressed.

* He gets very, very upset with himself when he fails in a mission and makes a mistake.

* He has a bad habit of skipping meals and sometimes goes a full day without having a single proper meal

* Despite this, he’s not picky at all when it comes to food. Maybe it’s because he lived on the streets for a while and took what he could get or maybe it’s just because he’s Lloyd, but he will eat literally anything. Ketchup and bananas? Sure. Peanut butter and cheese sandwich? Sure. Everyone, save Cole, is high key disgusted by it

* He also loves pineapple on pizza, much to Kai and Zane’s disdain

* When Zane died, Lloyd blamed himself because if he had just been a bit stronger and better, maybe when he had defeated the overlord, he would’ve stayed dead.

* Because of this, he started obsessively training and completely neglecting his human needs. It got to the point where Garmadon would literally sit on the edge of Lloyd’s bed all night to make sure he actually slept and didn’t wake up at some ungodly hour to train

* Okay that got a bit too angsty for me, so, Lloyd’s favorite color is yellow and he likes wearing pastels. He owns a lot of light greens, blues and yellows

* He also loves doodling on his jeans and shoes. His jeans are almost all ripped up and covered in sharpie doodles. He has one pair of white converse that he uses as a canvas

* He loves strawberry marshmallows and strawberry milk. Obviously, his favorite ice cream is strawberry

* He talks to himself a lot

* He visits the Ninjago orphanage a lot, just to talk to the kids, and make friends with them. When he turns 18, though, he’s planning on adopting all of them. Every. Last. One.

* He chews on his sleeves when he’s stressed

* He also bites his nails until they bleed. To get him out of the habit, the other ninja (mostly Kai) put bandaids on all of his fingers so he can’t access his nails

* He was once so tired in a press conference that he said “hi, I’m Energy, master of Lloyd” and it’s become a Ninjago-wide meme

* He loves lizards. They’re so cute and have the sweetest faces. He also likes frogs.

* He also really likes sharks

* Because of his dragon side, he’s sort of cold blooded. It’s not full, but if it’s very cold outside, Lloyd needs to keep extra warm to regulate his body temperature and maintain homeostasis

* He has these horrible side effects of getting possessed where he’ll get really dizzy, pass out, start shivering uncontrollably, get pain flashes or start vomiting blood. The effects just randomly show up and it’s very scary for Lloyd and everyone around him when it happens. (Not my personal headcanons, based of an ask that @lindsey-chr-not-found received (sorry for tagging I just wanted to give credit))

* He had to get his passport illegally meddled with because his birthdate looked very suspicious

* After the whole possession fiasco, Lloyd always kisses his mom before every mission, because when he was possessed by Morro, Lloyd feared for his life and all he could think was that he was going to die here, and the last thing he did was refuse to kiss his mom goodbye

* He’s prone to panic attacks

* He always keeps some type of fidget with him. When he has to give public speeches, he likes to play with it to make him feel more comfortable

* The ninja eventually got him a spinny fidget ring that he wears all the time. It helps him so much

* This is more of a garmadon HC, but he knows that Lloyd tends to bottle up his own fears and pain to be strong for others. Because of this, garmadon makes sure to ask Lloyd how he’s feeling every single night, just to encourage Lloyd to open up and give room for him to talk if somethings wrong

* Lloyd goes on runs a lot. He likes to clear his mind and take a moment to breathe

* He likes listening to others talk. He’s not great with social interactions and people. He prefers to listen than to talk

* However, he really has a way with words, and the fact that he’s a pretty quiet person makes the words that he does say very impactful

* He need glasses, but he doesn’t like wearing them. he usually only wears them when he’s around the house or needs to read. He wears them during interviews, because it’s really embarrassing when he spends like 5 whole minutes squinting trying to read the question

* Wearing them makes him look so much older though

* After season 9, he started growing his hair out more and changing small things about his appearing because after everything that just happened, he hates when he looks in the mirror and sees an almost carbon copy of his father

* Lloyd got highlights in his hair because the most apparent difference between him and his father is that Lloyd’s hair is lighter, so he went and got highlights to exaggerate that differences

* As a side effect of the whole “master of energy” thing, Lloyd’s powers can leave him drained of energy very easily. After the whole ‘losing powers’ situation is s9, his powers seem to be different and he’s prone to fainting when he overuses them. Wu told him that he needs to be very careful because if he’s in a situation like he was in season 8, when he fought garmadon, it could sap his energy completely and leave him in a coma.

* He likes putting colorful bandaids on his injuries

* Speaking of injuries, he has a scar right above his heart from the battle with garmadon in true potential. He absolutely hates the scar.

* He is victim to all kinds of nicknames about his hair. The ninja are very creative when it comes to these nicknames, but their favorites are “blondie,” “Rapunzal,” And “Goldilocks”

* Jay and Lloyd like to enthusiastically re-enact starfarer scenes for the others. It started when the power was out, so jay and Lloyd decided to entertain everyone else by performing the entire starfarer movie. After that, it kinda became a thing.

* Little Lloyd used to make blanket forts on the bounty when he was sad, so now all the ninjas, after a particularly difficult battle, will make a blanket fort and just enjoy each other’s company,

* Sometimes they’ll sit in the fort and make up stupid games, or they’ll play video games, or they’ll talk, but sometimes, they just sit in silence and drink in the fact that all of them are okay, and they’re all alive.

* His favorite partners for missions are either Kai, Nya or Cole. Kai and Nya because they’re his siblings and they know each other’s fighting style and where they need to cover each other. (Kai And Nya always cover Lloyd’s left side, bc his left leg still is weak from the time he broke it in season 2). He likes working with Cole as well, because Lloyd has a tendency to panic and overthink, and Cole is so grounded and chill and his strategies are simple and practical.

* He struggles a lot with finding his worth when he is not the green ninja. Lloyd struggles with the fact that his friends only care about him because of his important title and everything.

* That was something his father helped him with a lot. Finding Lloyd’s strengths and all the things that make Lloyd wonderful and lovable. Not the green ninja. Garmadon reminded him a lot that the child he loved and cherished was not the green ninja, but Lloyd.

* Finding his own worth without relying on his powers, title, and family is something Lloyd is working very hard on.

* As soon as Ray and Maya were brought back after season 7, Kai and Nya dragged Lloyd to them and just kinda announced to them that Lloyd was their new son. Both ray and Maya adore him.

* The reason the ultra dragon liked him so much was not because he was the green ninja, but because of the dragon in him. They also connected with Lloyd the same way Firstborn connected to the FSM. They sensed purity and kindness in Lloyd’s soul

* He knows all the small hiding places on the bounty. Whenever he gets overwhelmed or needs to have a breakdown without messing up his “perfect” façade, he goes to those spots and hides.

* Misako and Wu tore down Garmadon’s monastery after season four when the ninja were gone for a week to follow a lead. When Lloyd got back and saw that his father’s monastery had been torn down by his own mother and uncle, he cried for hours on end.

* He was furious and refused to speak to his mother for a few days because this monastery was a such a big part of the legacy of peace garmadon tried so desperately to leave behind. He even sacrificed himself for this legacy, and his own mom, garmadon’s wife who should know how important this was better than anyone, tore down a big part of this legacy to build a tea shop.

* When the tea shop was built, the ninja had sleeping quarters in the shop. Lloyd; however, literally took his blanket and slept outside for the first two weeks. (The others begged him to stop when he caught a fever after sleeping in the rain)

* When the ultra dragon was still around, when Lloyd was feeling sad or lonely, he wold go and sleep in the dragon keep with them. All four heads would nuzzle around him and comfort him until he fell asleep.

* Lloyd and the other ninja burst into musical numbers all the time. If one of them starts a number, the rest are literally legally obligated to join in.

* The first few days after Lloyd aged up were hard for Wu because he looked so much like garmadon

* His anxiety can be really horrible, especially after Morro, and to help with it and make sure it doesn’t get in the way of doing his job, Lloyd takes medication for it.

* Lloyd has a tendency to overwork himself because he constantly feels he needs to prove that he is good enough. Wu sometimes finds this very concerning, because 1) overworking yourself isn’t good for you, but more importantly, in some way, Lloyd’s need to constantly be working and proving his worth reminds Wu a bit of Morro.

* Of course it’s very different. Morro wanted to prove he is the best, while Lloyd wants to prove that he is good enough and worth loving and caring about

* It is so incredibly hard for Lloyd to resist the forbidden scroll’s power, because he has always struggled with self worth, and this scroll gives him power that makes him so important and useful

* After season 2, when Lloyd was receiving awards for destroying the overlord, an alarming amount of new mothers approached Lloyd, telling him they named their baby Lloyd. It kinda freaked Lloyd out, to be honest

* Lloyd’s puppy eyes can convince anyone of anything. Whenever the ninja need to convince Wu of something, they send Lloyd.

* Lloyd knows what places on the bounty each ninja visits most often, so after a hard battle or if one of his siblings is having a bad day, he’ll stick little post it notes with nice messages in all of those places.

* He ends every note with “I love you so much. Love, Lloyd” and a little heart

* After the Morro incident, every single day, Wu would find a new note on his teapot, telling him what an amazing teacher he was, or how much he meant to the ninja.

* After skybound, Lloyd could tell that Jay was hiding something and that he was acting different, so he left a note every day on all of jay’s inventions and the video game console

* He left some for Cole on the refrigerator after he became a ghost

* For Nya and Kai it’s whenever they’re having a bad day. Sometimes Lloyd leaves them on random days, just to remind his big brother and sister how much they mean to him

* For Zane it’s on bad days as well

* After season 8/9 the others started doing it for him. The day after garmadon was defeated, Lloyd woke up to little notes on all of his belongings, from his sword, to his towel to his comics. He kept every single on of them.

[writhe]

I have a healthy fear of the woods at night but love living vicariously through other, much more courageous people. Any wierd adventures you’re willing to share??

yeah a few! most of these take place in northern MI. this is gonna be long!  

1. One late summer night, a friend and I had gotten back to my car after being in the woods for a while. I absentmindedly tapped out the shave-and-a-haircut knock on the side of my car, only to have something at the edge of the woods respond with the two final knocks (”two-bits”). The sound was VERY loud and came from a thick, brushy area. My friend and I froze for a second, mortified. I tore off to where the sound came from, flashlight on, but found nothing. No movement, no shuffling, nothing moving away from me. there was just nothing there.  

2. one of my neighbors up north has this old cabin that was built a back in, like, 1914 (more or less, it’s over 100 years old). Me and some childhood friends used to camp out in it but it was very small and dark and I’d always get creeped out once everyone fell asleep and the flashlights died. I really wanted to go home, but to do that I needed to walk through the woods. If you’re not near a city (in this case, middle of rural michigan, towards the very top of the state) and it’s cloudy, the night gets dead-dark. I was so spooked and I made the mistake of just running down my best approximation of the trail. I made it out fine, but as I was running I swore I heard things moving alongside next to me 

3. My mom and dad met together at a summer camp where they both worked. She told me this story about her and my dad found these bioluminescent mushrooms once while they were walking at night. not particularly paranormal, just odd since she was so insistent that they were glowing and I’m not sure we have any mushrooms here that do that 

4. There was little patch of trees by the park in the neighborhood I grew up in. I was at the park with my friend and we both saw my youngest brother walk into the woods but didn’t see him come out (this is a VERY small little brushy patch and we would have absolutely seen where he went), asked my mom later what tommy had been doing at the park alone (he would have been about 7), and she said he’d been home all day. But my friend and I both swore we’d seen him 

5. Was at a park with friends a few summer ago and the groundskeeper told us to leave since it was closing, I tried to lead my friends out via a shortcut (which ended up not being a shortcut). I’m in front, the sun has gone down, and suddenly i felt the eeriest feeling overcome me, just a sense of wrong-ness. I looked to my side and there was the biggest dog (honestly despite all logic and everything i know about wolves I thought it looked more like a wolf than a dog) I’ve ever seen just standing there, facing forward. It turns its head slowly and so unnaturally to look at me and I just felt sheer terror. I’ve never been afraid of an animal before. I was like “back up, back up now,” very quietly to my friends and we ended up leaving the way we came. 

6. Me and my brother borrowed a DVD (or was it a VHS? I forget what year this happened lol) from some neighbors and I was walking back down the grove to return it to them (probably about a quarter mile walk). I saw what I thought was a boy running but I blinked and it was a dog and I blinked again and it was a deer. probably was a deer the whole time but the occurrence had a fantastical element to it and I wrote it down in a journal 

7. I was probably 9 or 10- walking with a friend along the woods and she stops dead in her tracks and she’s like “Someone keeps calling my name.” Told me the voice reminded her of her dad or her uncle. I didn’t hear anything. This was the middle of the day

8. this one’s long but: went for a drive around sundown to look for deer with my parents and younger brothers. middle of nowhere, beautiful evening. Long dirt road, there were literally no other cars, just miles and miles of thick forests. It was really fun. we had a big pickup truck and my dad let me and my brothers drive it. we had the trunk open and we kept jumping out of it and then running back up to it and jumping back in (we were driving like 5mph). 

The first thing that struck me as strange was there were a TON of ‘no trespassing, area under video surveillance’ signs- you get those a lot up north because you don’t want people hunting or taking lumber from you, but it was weird because the signs would happen like every 100 feet, set about 20 feet back into the treeline. 

Second weird thing I noticed was that also back in the woods, there was a, like 7-foot high wire fence that stretched for MILES. Like, the area that was allegedly under video surveillance was also THOROUGHLY fenced off. Again, it’s not weird for people to fence of property lines, but a lot of people just mark it with a stake or sometimes ribbon tied to trees. 

Third thing that got weird was the fact there were no birds or bugs- could have had to do with the time, I feel like the birds kind of go periodically a little quieter but really never a dead silence which was the case here. Eventually the sun set and kind of out of nowhere a VERY HEAVY fog settled. We got really lost and my parents were both super stressed- my dad kept hitting the brakes like every 15 seconds because he ‘kept thinking he was seeing people’; at one point we saw someone on the side of the road with a fishing pole, but like….there was something weird and off, the guy was kind of slouched and moving weird (I’m using the term ‘see’ lightly here because it was so dark and so foggy); 

at another point we drove past a field that was downhill from the road. There was something glowing in it and it abruptly stopped- my dad made a really weird comment on it (I asked him recently if he remembered that, he said he thinks it was a gas burnoff which seems like something you tell yourself if you don’t want to admit you saw a spectral fire. also it was too big to be a gas burnoff) 

9. I was at this ‘mountain’ (fun fact, not a real mountain, just a big hill. used to be a ski resort before everything burnt down in the 90s) with my brothers in the middle of winter, we were trying to climb the hill and we kept hearing this distant hollering….like it just wouldn’t end. eventually i was like ‘okay you hear that right?” and we took a second to listen to it and it was an old man, all sing-songy and raspy, just screaming interspersed by ‘get out of here,’ but all long and drawn out. it sounded like he was holed up in this barely-winterized cabin. I’m sure he was just upset we were trespassing but there was something REALLY off about it. we left

10. went hiking one night, a big if not full moon. it’s cool because on clear nights with full moons, the snow reflects the light and you don’t really need a flashlight. my friend and i got kinda turned around and we came upon this set of deer, rabbit, and what LOOKED like fox track all in a row, like the animals had been walking together. we followed the tracks. Eventually, the rabbit tracks veered off. Then, the fox tracks. We followed the deer tracks out into a clearing where they just abruptly stopped, like the deer had vanished. 

11. One time I was in the woods with my dad and younger brother and we found a big fallen tree with the roots all up. like this. I wanted to climb the roots and so I stuck my hand in and IMMEDIATELY there was a super loud buzzing, like I’d stuck my hand into a bee’s nest. Still haven’t figured that one out AT ALL

i’m sure I could think of more if I thought harder! has anyone else experienced stuff like this?