#it’s a constant battle for me idk
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me understanding that couples on the show don’t need to say ily to know they’re in love and the couples that need it don’t end well vs me wanting Mike to say he loves Will to contrast how he couldn’t say it to El
#like mike being able to easily say it to will because he’s actually in love with him#to show that he just wasn’t in love with el#but at the same time they have the unspoken understanding dynamic so it’s not necessary#it’s a constant battle for me idk#byler
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ok so, at some point in life i found this podcast with beef as a cohost and, yknow, as a fun little activity, try to guess who the guest in the first episode is:
transcript with the best of my ability:
Beef: (high-pitched) [???]!
Beef and Geoff: [chuckle]
Beef: Can't get any higher! Before it gets any higher.. Maybe we should, uhh- Maybe it's time to bring our guest on.
[calm tune]
Beef: Our guest today is Jordan Maron, better known, uhh- through his online pseudonym CaptainSparklez uh, american YouTube personality. We have that in common- Well, I'm not american, and I have... very little personality... [chuckles] Well, you've got-
Jordan: Alright! We have a lot in common!
Beef: A lot in common!
#clipstump#2am me was o_O#really cool finding i think! (well i mean to my standard of finding things i guess idk LOL)#(constant struggle of finding stuff. sharing it and then turns out everyone knew and you look kinda stoopid...)#(im battling this thought rn with four fists ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ !!!) (because whatever!!! if im stoopid then im stoopid content in life👍🏼)
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I’ve been thinking a lot about how Spider felt when he hit puberty and started growing facial hair, making him even more different to the Na’vi. I wonder if he hated it.
Also the inherent tenderness of a boy trusting someone else enough to help him shave for the first time… something about it makes my chest hurt. I really tried to capture it in Foreign Body but there’s so much more that I wish I’d left space for.
#is this me admitting that i might go back and add even more content to my already published and completed fic? perhaps.#spider socorro#jake sully#avatar 2#idk why im posting this im just feeling so soft for spider growing up and battling with his… foreign body (ba-dum tss. i am boo’d off stage#but fr the way he tries and tries and tries to assimilate and his inescapable humanness is a constant reminder of his incongruity with#pandora… like he cant be truly na’vi and growing up he is presented more and more evidence that he will never be#im still turning the Spider as an allegory for second generation immigrants thing in my head… the draft post is getting a bit too long tbh#but i just cant shake the feeling that he struggles with this foreignness a lot- ESPECIALLY knowing his parentage (father)#anyway here are a couple of drawins from the pages and pages of spiders i have in my sketchbook#for me and and maybe 1 other person who thinks about this stuff 🙃 come get yall juice (cricket sounds)#theyre not very good but im really enjoying being nobody out here#so i can post my bad drawings and run away 😌#i'm trying to learn to draw please be kind <3#kid post
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the reason why jackie/shauna is so bloody compelling is that it’s built on the same foundations of unwavering love and devotion as every other homoerotic teenage friendship
shauna’s entire existence is wrapped in jackie’s like:
i want you. i want what you have. i want you. i don’t know who i am without you. i want you. i wish my life was more like yours. i want you. your hair is so pretty— can i touch it? i want you. i don’t let anyone else dictate what i do but i have shaped myself entirely around you. i want you. why can’t i be more like you? i want you. i wish i was you. i want you. i wish we were one person. i want you. i don’t want you to be happy unless i’m the reason why. i want you. why can’t we share everything? i want you. i don’t know where you end and i begin. i want you. i’m not supposed to. i want you. you’re my best friend. i want you. i know you never will. i want you. i’ll never admit that the you in my head is better than the real you. i want you. i don’t want to share you. i want you. i will have you in every way i can. i want you. it’s my fault. i want you. it should have been me. i want you. i will have you. i want you. i can’t let go. i want you. i will sink my teeth into your skin. i want you. you will always be a part of me. i want you. i must be the one to have the first bite. i want you. i love you. i want you. i love you. i want you. i love you.
#i'll be the first one to raise my hand and say that shauna's horrible irrational unhinged internal monologue#felt like looking at a very uncomfortable mirror#shauna shipman you are THE character of all time for me babygirl#i love your desperate denial of your desire#and your constant battle against yourself#anyone that saw me talking about yellowjackets on twitter should've seen this coming#i said it was making me go insane#you were WARNED#idk what this is other than insanity#i refuse to actually label it as prose poetry or whatever#it’s simply just madness juice leaking out of my brainbox#yellowjackets#jackieshauna#shaunajackie#idk what to tag this as#[insert keyboard emoji here]
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Why is nobody talking about ugly butches. We need more people talking about ugly butches.
Sending this on anon like a whisper on the wind~
no such thing I'm afraid. All butches are beautiful by virtue of being butches. And also alive
#the constant battle in my head between 'a person's worth is not defined by how they look is an infinitely more helpful sentiment than#'everyone is beautiful :)'' and 'everyone is beautiful :)'#perks of being an asexual artist ig my concept of what's beautiful is like 70% just what's fun to draw#and humans are inherently fun to draw to me#idk if this makes any sense it's 10 to six in the morning for me
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writing patterns
rules: share the first line of your last ten published works or as many as you are able and see if there are any patterns!
tagged by @frankenjoly and @bnesszai <3
tagging (no pressure): @ryuvnosuke @good-vs-evo @justadino-ig
- [G] heaven forbid || link click, shiguang, 5.1k
Lu Guang finds him sitting by the pond, swirling a finger in the water and chuckling to himself. His wings, full of feathers as dark as the night, flutter gently.
- [G] on accidentally summoning a demon, and other things that jouno has the unfortunate opportunity to deal with || bsd, jouno & teruko, 3.9k
Jouno fears that he may have made a grave, terrible mistake.
- [G] vicariously || bsd, sskk, 17.6k
If you told the Akutagawa of three years ago that he'd be waiting for Atsushi below his apartment with a bouquet of flowers in his hands, he would've scoffed and called you an idiotic fool.
- [G] aquamarine || haikyuu, akaken, 3.3k
When Kenma exits the train, he finds Akaashi leaning against the walls of the underground train station, one leg crossed over the other and eyes gazing off into the distance.
- [T] i’ll take a quiet life || jjk, nanami & nobara, 5.6k
When Nobara wakes up, it's to the sound of a muffled curse and metal clanking onto the floor.
- [G] every kiss, it gets a little sweeter || haikyuu, oisuga, 10.3k
"Hey, they're here!"
- [G] cheeks pink in the twinkling lights || haikyuu, oisuga, 20.5k
Sugawara takes a great, heaving breath as he substitutes back out of the match.
- [E] touch me, baby, put your lips on mine || bsd, kunichuu, 10.2k
There are certain things Chuuya has learned about Kunikida after dating him for almost a year.
- [G] left in the rain, lost and pining || haikyuu, ukatake, 2.3k
He's here again.
- [G] left you dancing in the dark || bsd, lucygin, 12k
"Lucy, could you bring this to table four?"
#doing this made me go: THATS the rating i gave? like a million times 😭🖐️#the constant battle between G and T rating#idk if i have a pattern but i guess they all go straight into the situation#tag game#my writing
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#gonna dump some thoughts here because idk where else to go#but it feels like i have come to a point where life feels really tough to live again#i have cried so much and so hard lately i cry until my chest hurts and i can't breathe#and the next i am supposed to act like i have it all together#but nothing in my life makes sense and it feels like it's a constant battle#i am constantly trying to find the light that i have lost sometime growing up#i can't stand how painful it is to watch my life go by and feeling powerless because i can't change it#i don't even know where i am going with this but i am in so much emotional pain thinking of how useless i feel#i watch others around me carry on with their lives and be able to do all these nice things#and i can't even finish the stupidest tasks#i wouldn't feel like this if it was just one part of my life#but i feel unfulfilled and unhappy with many aspects of it#it feels like nothing is going well at all i am going insane trying not to fall apart completely#it feels like i can't ever be happy like something is always going against me#and i wonder why i even deserve to feel this way#nothing excites me anymore nothing is giving me the slightest bit of happiness#i feel like such a pathetic joke god#i can't even afford therapy anymore i am screwed basically#i hate it all so much i am so done with it
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I have been in program prep hell, and anxiety alley, and today is program day and I'm like Hm Yes. Perfect time to start rewatching that 8+ hour series on the history of antibiotics
#me @ me y r u like this#(answer: bc ive watched it before and medical information is a comfort topic for me)#(learning abt how humans learned how to help other humans and animals survive- and then learning how to do it /better/)#(learning from past mistakes and learning to help more than hurt and yeh. its just so cool)#(also constant tiny little battles of little guys who just want you to survive and live!! you are their whole world and they will help you!#(too cool)#tho i also need to put it down and like. figure out my insulin situation. i am. fully in debt rn.#and my insurance might have blipped so idk if i can even get it
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gotg is obviously far from perfect but if there's one thing I appreciate it's that Mantis didn't stay a punching bag and was allowed to stand up for herself after 2
#my biggest issue with 2 has always been Mantis being the constant butt of the joke#and it wasnt perfectly fixed ofc. theres things id do differently if i was in charge#but i like that she got to have her battle moments and that she was allowed to be funny without BEING the joke in 3#she was underestimated and she got to prove herself and now she gets to do what SHE wants#idk Mantis has always reminded me a lot of one of my best friends and the way she was treated in 2 always bummed me out#cj says stuff#gotg#guardians of the galaxy
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So I'm reading the A Court of Thorns and Roses books at the behest of my friend, I'm on the third one now.
They aren't terrible, there are things about them I like, but I would not really recommend them if you want a cohesive story, and definitely would've dnf'd by now if I was just reading them for me. I could write long painstaking reviews or takedowns, but I don't feel like it, so all I'll say is this:
WHY do people throw up so often in these books??? What is that about? istg every time anything even vaguely surprising or upsetting happens Feyre vomits all over the floor. It is so weird. It is starting to drive me a little insane.
#acotar#for real it is constant#nightmare? vomit. flying? vomit. training too hard? vomit. other people are in danger? vomit. psychic connection? vomit.#at least when it's like a battle scene it kinda makes sense? but a) just bc it's a realistic reaction doesn't mean i wanna read it#and b) the fact that it's throughout the book makes me not wanna let that slide#it's such a stupid thing to be bothered by but idk it's just weird#book review i guess?
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why dont you play dress up w your fav and maybe you'll calm down
#she is my little dolly and i am a five year old girl w a new playset. or something.#idk i have never played with dolls in my life..... but i get it now. shes going dolly mode.#ive said this a million times but i REALLY love the forge + survivor skin look#it makes me think abt an au where the forge came first and the constant came second. somehow#half broken battle armor. eroding smudges of face paint. ugh 😩 life could be dream#anyways
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Got my first dress adjacent clothing item in about 3-4 years just to see how i feel wearing stuff like it. I don't think I'll be wearing out anytime soon but it's a nice lounge wear item and is pretty comfy
#a shut up#i actually want to present more feminine in certain ways but i also don't want to be misgendered#it's a constant battle#i feel pretty good in it but i also can't see myself so idk if it's gonna make me disphoric
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so
#i despise vivziepop as a creator but i hatewatched hazbin as a distraction yday on some pirate site#been questioning for a few months abt being greyace and like#had a very traumatic experience yesterday#alastor being an asexual character is such a stupid comfort for me suddenly.#after everything happening#i dont want love anymore just put me in a qpp pleaseeee#sophie.txt#very mixed feelings that i can't put into words but everything kind of lined up#idk kind of cool to see an ace character that doesn't fit the washed out fluffy boy narrative. just a thought#even if his asexuality is just thrown around with jokes and prideflags#i think i've always loved the idea of sex but never the real thing#im very sex positive and there's kink i would love to participate in and adore in visuals and practice and theory (leather latex)#but im really not built for anything beyond non-sexual intimacy#my constant battle of am i just against penetration or am i greyace or have i not met the right person yet#i think abt myself in a selfship context and love it but i think about myself in a real scenario and i just curl.#i wish men knew how to court and ask consent instead of jumping but im glad i didnt get s/ad at the least christ#i wish men were real they used to go to war#okay i did get s/ad i worded that wrong. im grateful i wasnt r8pd but idk if tumblr will nuke me for saying that
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RAIGH NOT TO REPOST OR ANYTHING BUT I FORGOR HOW TO READ FOR A SEC!!! Anywayyysss :,D
Here's my art style✨✨
And here's my imitation of ✨your✨ artstyle!
⚠️EVERYONE!!!⚠️
Try to imitate my artstyle (reblog this post) and i will try to imitate your artstyle!!!!!!!
Im really into other ppl's artstyle so lets spread this to everyone and do it for fun!!!!✨✨✨
Heres kinda what my artstyle is
FEEL FREE TO JUST SKETCH THEM OUT! THIS IS PURELY FOR FUN AND NEW EXPERIENCE ✨✨
hehe cant wait to try out other artists artstyles<3333
#undertale au#au sans#blueberry sans#underswap sans#art style challenge#this was more of a struggle than what I'd like to admit#Idk why but the shading is that took FOREVER#it was a constant battle between my brain and me to shade like yeni and not like myself#anyways#yummy art#ooo#yeni is so cool✨✨#tags are fun#ngl
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if u need me ill be here
#jackal tag#slowly transitioning from too stressed to function to depressive episode#good news today my dad was alright#yesterday was godawful but today :muscle: he can eat and drink without it going straight thru him#so hes getting stronger and needs less constant help and supervision#which means i get time to......... exist idk what ive been doing but man am i exhausted and in so#much. pain. oooohhh my back. been sitting places besides my chair and having no where to put me back#its just so quickly so painful i cant sit up#arguably all my days starting in the morning is good and what i want bc i like being Done when im done#but waking up and immediately being busy (plus EMOTIONALLY DISTRESED which is the worst part)#ooohh boy. oh boy.#the good news is i havent disassociated much which is usually how my body wants to handle stress#so thats a W i guess#(the constant battle of i-hate-disassociating-its-scary-and-bad and oh-i-just-want-to-be-not-present-rn
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i wonder if i could've grown up like. without the whole avoidant attachment thing. like idk what parent caused that but it's really fucking annoying to deal with every day of my life.
#i mean it was both parents prob lol. but like oh my god it's really really really annoying#the constant bombardment of thoughts can chill sometimes i think :/ like a little. please.#idk all relationships are so hard for me to even form past plain acquaintanceship and when i do i am in a battle against convincing myself#that the friends i make don't actually like me and would be fine without me. ugh#vent#girl sorry i'm psychoanalyzing myself for fun today i guess
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