#it’s 5 am and I have crippling insomnia

[zanderds]

“It’s 5 AM, I’m going steady. Now I’m screwed, it’s Golden Freddy”

- Some philosopher probably

[nearaceln]

The medication that my psychiatrist recently started me on, meant to aid in my depression, has caused my chronic insomnia to worsen to such an abhorrent degree that I find myself missing the former 4-5 hours I was getting on the prior medication meant to help the depression. The night shifts I work at my job probably don’t help much, either, in the soft defense of pharmacological distributors.

It is an odd sensation- waiting for a pager to go off, hoping it doesn’t. They don’t warn you that once you start, you will hear phantom pages for the rest of your goddamn life (seemingly; will correct if I ever stop hearing beeping that is not real).

I love my job. Well, I love my field, and I love what I do. The fact that my job has to exist is a cruelty. Peoples suffering could never make me happy (okay, perhaps a select few of those who have hurt me deeply. But those suckers have it coming and are unrelated to the folks I help treat).

Tonight a young-sounding 19 year old called. She was tearful, sniffling back something she didn’t want to (but also did want to) talk about. I won’t explore the content of her story, as it isn’t mine to tell, but I can say that the way I have learned to handle these calls is to tell the audience the things I wish someone would have told me, in this case, at 19. “It isn’t your fault. You did not deserve that. Not any of it. You sound bright, and kind, and even if you aren’t always, you still don’t deserve that. You are a person deserving of respect, kindness, goodness. I know we forget it sometimes about ourselves, but for a moment imagine you’re speaking to a friend. Would you tell them they didn’t deserve goodness? No. Of course not. Because it isn’t true. I am so sorry that those things have happened to you. It is not, however, a reflection on you. You’re here in spite of that. That is a power. It is a strength.” She asked “how do I fix it so I can sleep tonight?” And I rattled off some ideas like journaling things that make her happy. I added, knowing 19 year old me would think “this is bullshit”- “I don’t mean some cliche shit about your life, the world, or the future. You can write about that if you want. It’s your list. I mean…the sheets you picked for your bed. The way the first bite of an apple tastes in the fall. The sunset. The smell of coffee. The feeling of finally getting to take your bra off. Your makeup off. The view at the top of a hike. Your dog. Your favorite nail polish shade. Your favorite socks. Words you like the sound of. The meal your mum cooked the best. Your grandmothers hands. That stuff.” She conceded, and wrote some of a list that she planned on finishing. Before I let her go, I reminded her “you are only 19. You have not even yet met everyone who is going to love you - your kindness. Your heart. Your intellect. Your drive. There are so many people out there who will listen to your story and care about it. And the things that happened, they don’t define you. Your strength in calling tonight, does. Your willingness to be vulnerable, to stay alive, to write a list with a crazy lady on the phone. That’s you. And, for what it’s worth, I think it’s wonderful. So, while the world waits for the right moment for these people to arrive, you remember to call this line whenever you want. Seriously. I can be your temporary. And it won’t bother me for one single second. You’re not alone. I won’t let you be.” She ended the call by thanking me for my time and kindness, said she was feeling better, and that she was going to try to get some sleep.

As I hung up my phone I thought of the version of myself from a decade ago. She was so lonely. She lived in a one bedroom flat, had no friends, studied and worked, kept her head down. She would never believe that a future version of her could be anything different. And yet, here she is. Rather, here I am. Awake with crippling insomnia, still lonely at times, always keeping my chin up toward the sun.

I think of the home that I have built. I hear my husband snoring, finally resting. I look over at him. His mouth open slightly, brows furrowed, hair messy, one arm beneath his head and the other outstretched. He looks, in this moment, like I imagine he did as a young boy. I wonder what he needed to hear when he was; who didn’t say it to him; who did.

I have many dogs. Eight, to be exact. Having this amount of them means that at any given moment in my life I could easily reach out and Pat a dog. What a therapy I have unconsciously given myself. They sleep soundly beside me, so used to my insomnia that they only stir when my husband wakes up. Pavlov must have been right - my mental illness has conditioned not one, but a pack of dogs to not even notice the weight of a body being lifted off the bed, the sound of a door opening, the start of a car. I think of the life I have given them, and I know they have felt nothing but kindness. That alone seems intangible to me. A child of abuse grows to be an adult filled with enough trauma to make sleep a concept only read about, never experienced. An adult who worries at every moment when something will break; who hopes it is not her. An adult who knows how to hand out both cruelty and kindness equally well. Skilled tongue in both causing injury and kissing wounds. I choose kindness. Perhaps, just to be the opposite of my parents. Isn’t that what we all grow up wanting to be- just not our parents? Or perhaps because I know what it feels like to only be offered cruelty, and how small acts of kindness are but a candy you find hidden in your grandmothers purse after being told you cannot eat anything but cauliflower (By the way, I still hate cauliflower, mum). How you can suck on it for hours. While it doesn’t ease the belly cramps, it warms you. It keeps you alive for another day, hoping for another strawberry wrapped gift tomorrow.

I go pee, and I look in the mirror. I usually avoid this. My own reflection bothers me. I try to conjure the 19 year old me to tell her precisely what I told the girl from before. She doesn’t arrive. She died long ago. She resides in ashes throughout my bloodstream. Perhaps we are all made up of the versions of ourselves that could not survive.

The sun is coming up now. I look out the window of my home. Pet my dog (one of eight). Brush my fingers along my husbands forehead, try to comfort him from whatever nightmare is plaguing him. Admire him and the life we’ve built. My chin tilts toward the rising Sun. I have survived another night, and will survive another day, and I will once again choose kindness. If not for those in my life now, for the little girl residing in my veins who never had the chance to receive it.

-Ace

[fatehbaz]

so, about this:

normally i wouldn’t get involved in this kind of confrontation, but i can’t let this go:

These people, who are already sequestered in homeless shelters, have very high and extremely disproportionate rates of epilepsy, schizophrenia, diabetes, amputations, physical immobility, emotional trauma, crippling anxiety. They -- we -- largely have no health insurance; plenty of people with tooth infections rapidly spreading to their brain or days away from causing heart attacks.

The very environment of the shelter kills people. And I’m not exaggerating for dramatic effect. Imagine what the anxiety of the mass concentration environment does to people already experiencing these health conditions. The added insomnia, noise, stress, invasions of physical and emotional space, omnipresent glare of bureaucratic facility staff.

-----

It’s unfair to frame what I said as merely “accusatory”. These are statements of fact. The unsanitary and inhumane conditions of shelters which I described are already a reality. If anything, I was being generous. Constant glares and scowling from authoritarian shelter staff; look at them the wrong way, and you’re sent back out in the cold or arrested. Biting insects. 5 other people sleeping within 6 inches of your personal space. Constant vigilance; can never leave your backpack alone. Weird skin rashes from systemic inflammation and exposure to mold, mildew, and overwhelming scents. You are expected to just idly and casually walk by and carry on “business as usual” as someone is wailing in agony on the floor or having a seizure. You must be awake and back outside at 6:30 AM, including in mid-winter. No peace.

These are torture chambers. And this is what happens in good shelters.

The thing is: The kinds of “mass isolation” facilities and policies that are being discussed in the US would be significantly worse than typical shelters.

At least most “good” shelters tend to have a kitchen and showers. Maybe even a washer and dryer. You can come and go throughout the daylight hours. Your friends can stop by and visit. There might be a few electrical outlets. But the “mass isolation” approaches being discussed would, in many cases, involve separating homeless people potentially exposed to the virus from the “normal” shelter, and sending them instead to an even worse isolation facility, like a warehouse. No showers. No kitchen. No pantry. No calling your friends to have them deliver your favorite book or to pick up some snacks for you.

These people have been living in hell for months or years or decades already. Under state-enforced mass concentration, their lives will again be forfeited.

-----

People in jails and prisons -- their health, their lives, their souls -- are also utterly disregarded in similar ways. Those institutions are also overt torture chambers.

“We have to make sacrifices to protect public health, we have to safeguard our health and bodies.” Well I’m certain we can find a way to weather this crisis without literally sacrificing the health and bodies and lives of the homeless and incarcerated.

Regarding “why don’t I do something about it”: I’m not going to broadcast my organizing/activism activities online. But it’s worth noting that I myself am homeless during this pandemic event. And the point of my post was to “do something about it”:

To remind people with shelter or better social support systems not to abandon the already-vulnerable, the already-marginalized, as a blood sacrifice.

During the week of 12 March 2020, to “deal with market anxiety about coronavirus,” the US federal government took at least 1.5 trillion dollars and flushed it down a toilet in mere hours, when they could’ve housed homeless people and people with the virus in hotel rooms already left empty by decreased tourism and travel bans. Better yet, don’t give more money to those property owners and corporations. We should be thinking outside of the framework that says:

“Well, there are so many empty homes and apartments, and we do need space for people to recover, but we still have to financially compensate landlords, hotels, and corporations if they assist in housing, which limits our ability to house marginalized people.” Say that out loud. See how ridiculous that limitation sounds in the face of global catastrophic social upheaval of a pandemic that will undoubtedly harm already-marginalized communities most. The millions of empty homes in the US should be housing people right now. Give shelter to people.

[autismvampyre]

fuck this its 5 am ive taken far too many sleeping pills and despite my exhaustion i can't sleep but i also cant not sleep because i have my terrifying stepdad who will yell at me to worry about. he likes to call me a failure for having crippling insomnia and fully blames me which hardly helps but oh well. school starts next week and my stupid dumb stupid anxiety decides that this is when to strike and it's such a dick move on my anxiety's part tbh

[hiccanna-tidbits]

Hiccanna 100 OTP Questions Meme--Part 1

So I saw this 100 Questions About Your OTP post, and I decided to do them for Hiccanna! And...I am never doing one of these memes again, because this took forever XD I decided to split it in two to avoid just creating a giant Monster Post. QUESTION SOURCE: https://the-moon-dust-writings.tumblr.com/post/159857601812/100-otp-questions 1. Who loves flower crowns more? Anna is highkey obsessed with them! Especially kinda lopsided weird ones with sunflowers and shit. Hiccup likes them a lot too but is too embarrassed to ever admit it 2. Who is the one who likes to cuddle? Probably Anna tbh, she’s extremely huggy and cuddly and basically always initiates the cuddle sessions. Hiccup is secretly super grateful for this because he’s actually touch-starved as all hell but absolutely is not aware of it like cmon do you think big tough Stoic hugged him a lot growing up??? Kinda doubt it tbh 3. Who has awful taste in music? Depends on who you ask XD Hiccup has exactly 2 Music Moods--Stuffy classical orchestal stuff with a bunch of fancy violin and flute and whatnot, and edgy underground alternative hipster nonsense from bands no one has ever heard of. Anna, meanwhile, is a simple woman, who listens almost exclusively to shitty, catchy-butvery-unoriginal Top 40 hits and belts along with them to the radio, much to Hiccup’s chagrin XD 4. Who is the meme lover? A N N A she is a memelord supreme 5. How did their second date go? An...oddly specific question XD But I’ll take a stab at it. I imagine on their first date they went to see some high fantasy epic movie with fancy CGI (they’d both be HELLA into that--Anna for the magic and epic romances and Hiccup for the interesting magical creatures) and then gushed about it for hours afterwards, so their second date might be something a bit more lowkey where they’d just talk and hang out. I feel like they both probably are coffee addicts, so...a coffee shop date, maybe? And Anna gets some kinda chocolate pastry, of course! 6. How many children do they want/have? Tbh unpopular opinion probably, but I actually don’t think Hiccup and Anna would necessarily want kids??? They’re definitely the kind of couple who would love exploring the world and taking spontaneous adventures together, and you can do a lot less of that when kids are typing you down. Not to mention I think the full-time responsibility of having a kid would be pretty exhausting to Anna in particular, as someone who identifies with her a lot and has never wanted kids because even thinking about it makes me tired XD I mean sure, Anna has a nurturing side that comes out with Elsa sometimes, but she doesn’t have to use that ALL THE TIME (since Elsa is a grown-ass adult usually capable of sound judgement) like she would with a kid. But ALL THAT SAID if they DID end up having kids I don’t think they’d go too crazy with it, probably just 1. Or 2 at the VERY most. 7. Who hides the weapons? You mean like...in an AU where they’re infiltrating an enemy fortress or something? Probably Anna, since she’s the more innocent and harmless-looking of the two XD 8. Who is the better dancer? They both can’t dance for SHIT it’s absolutely cringeworthy but probably Anna at the end of the day because she probably spent a lot of time practicing in those empty ballrooms 9. Do/Did they have a theme wedding? They’d probably want to have some kind of a magic high fantasy theme, since they’d both be hella into that--and then it ends up morphing into “Dragons and Princesses” XD Anna ends up getting over-the-top fancy princess dresses for all of her bridesmaids and Hiccup has the time of his damn life making basically everything in the buffet dragon-themed. The cake is like half dark green or black scale-patterned and half fancy-patterned spring green tiers. It’s quite the event of the decade! 10. What do their parents think of them dating? Valka absolutely ADORES Anna and thinks she’s perfect for her son--the perfect blend of cheerful and compassionate when she needs to encourage him, but also badass and tough-spirited to protect him when she needs to. Stoic doesn’t really like Anna at first--he’s under the (mistaken) impression that she’s a wimp and finds her bubbliness kind of grating and annoying, and generally worries that dating her will just make Hiccup even more of a wimp. He’d rather him date a no-nonsense tough-as-nails asskicker like Astrid in hopes it would toughen him up. However, once Stoic sees Anna do something like punch someone out with no hesitation when they pick on her and Hiccup, Stoic comes around to Anna VERY quickly XD I feel like Agnar and Iduna would just be happy to see their daughter dating a sweet, dorky guy who loves her with all of her being and appreciates her for who she is. As long as he treats her well and makes her feel loved (which he most certainly would because he’s a precious cinnamon roll), he gets their stamp of approval. And hey, anything is an improvement over Hans XD 11. Are they a super sappy couple? Nah. I imagine they do a lot of PDA and probably hold hands or kiss in public a lot, but they’re not like...overly gooey in how they talk to each other, if that makes any sense. If anything, their flirting is painfully awkward, even AFTER they get together XD So much so that when they try to hit on each other in front of their friends their friends are like “oh my god STOP this is too much secondhand cringe for me to bear” 12. How did they get together? I like to imagine they’re friends for a long while but both of them fully 100% believe that the other is ridiculously out of their league and they’re irreparably trapped in the friendzone and one day they’re hanging out with their friends and awkwardly flirting with each other (but of couRse the other person isn’t FLIRTING they’re just being NICE they both figure) and finally Jack just shouts “oh my god will you two just fuck already???” and after a few minutes of utter mortification they just have the world’s most awkward love confession XD Anna finally relents and asks Hiccup on a date, and of course he says yes! 13. Who asked the other to get married? I can honestly imagine either of them asking but probably Hiccup. And he’s SO nervous about it that he starts straight stuttering the first few times he tries to ask and has to stop and change the subject XD He probably gets it finally after like...the 5th time. 14. Who stays up too late and makes stupid jokes? A N N A 100% I headcanon that she has pretty bad insomnia (that’s why she has such a hard time waking up and is so tired in the morning!) so she stays up to the wee hours of the morning with her brain spinning with incredibly weird thoughts and her sense of humor becomes nigh indecipherable after 3 am. 15. Who is the nerd? Hiccup obviously is this even a question??? He spends all day collecting dragon facts and lore and building weird scientific contraptions to help crippled dragons fly WHAT A NERD  16. Who knows the most obscure facts? Hiccup again, he knows so many dragon factoids and random scientific shit that Anna sometimes wonders how he manages to fit anything else in there 17. Who makes the other a flower crown? Anna! She makes ones for both herself and Hiccup and Hiccup begrudgingly wears his but secretly thinks it’s pretty and likes it because it reminds him of his dorky gf :3 18. Who likes to read? Both! I mean Hiccup obviously does because, as established above, he is a nerd, but Anna has canonically read every book in the Arendelle castle library, some twice, so she doesn’t NOT like to read. Hiccup probably reads more, though, between the two of them--Anna often doesn’t really have the attention span for it. 19. Who bothers the other person while the other person reads? ANNA she loves to constantly hang over Hiccup’s shoulder when he reads and drape herself all over him like a needy cat like “PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE” and Hiccup just lets out a defeated sigh and starts playing with her hair while reading and hopes this will be enough to appease the little gremlin It usually is 20. Who tutors the other? Hiccup tutors Anna, but she HATES having to ask and is actually pretty insecure about school just generally not coming as naturally to her as it does to Hiccup, so he’s always super patient and understanding with her and tries his very best to never get annoyed or frustrated if she doesn’t catch onto something right away. He doesn’t want her to ever feel stupid because he imagines it feels the same to her as when people call him weak and useless. Slowly but surely, he’s saving Anna’s grades--and building her confidence! 21. Do they have similar taste in movies? Hell yeah! They love that high fantasy shit. I also like to think Hiccup manages to get Anna into some sci-fi and Anna manages to get Hiccup into romcoms (ONLY the good ones, he insists, as he would not be caught dead watching a shitty romcom!) 22. How do their personalities compliment each other? I mean the most obvious one here is that Hiccup’s general pessimism and cynicism compliment Anna’s optimism and cheerfulness really nicely. He would be able to keep her grounded and get her to be more realistic about things, while she would encourage him to see the positive side of bad situations and be more hopeful about things in general. Also I love the contrast of Hiccup’s intelligence and more quiet, snarky nature with Anna’s rather boisterous personality and general naivitey (sp?) and energy. They’re like a downplayed version of the “the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one” trope and I think that’s beautiful. Also, they’d both be great at soothing the other’s isecurities--Anna would be Hiccup’s biggest cheerleader and would believe in him like no one else did, and would stop at nothing to pull him out of it when he started spiraling into self-loathing and thinking he’s a fuck-up. Hiccup, meanwhile, would be so smitten with Anna and would think that it’s the most obvious thing in the world that she’s an amazing human being in her own rite and never has to feel like the “spare” princess living in her sister’s shadow. And saying this without a shadow of a doubt, like it’s common knowledge, is often exactly what Anna needs to hear to feel a little better about herself. 23. How do they tell everyone that they are going to be having a kid/adopting a child soon? I...honestly don’t think they’d be that extra about it??? In fact, they’d be the sort of couple who would be so UN-extra about it that it would do a full 180 and be hilarious. Like they’d be casually brunching with friends and Hiccup would just casually be like “oh by the way, Anna’s 3 months pregnant” or “oh, by the way, we just signed some adoption papers and we’re picking our new kid up on Saturday” and all of their friends would be like “wait WHAT” and Hiccup would be like “Anyways what were you saying about the newest episode of Alien Space Shooters 3000?” XD  24. Who has better fashion sense? Hiccup, probably. I mean, Astrid caught him making OUTFITS! The horror! The dude is also way more effeminate and, uh...clothing-conscientious than he realizes XD Anna has decent fashion sense, but I imagine that’s like 90% because Elsa spices up/makes her outfits since Elsa’s really more of the fashionista XD 25. Who will punch someone out if they are rude to their partner? Try bullying Hiccup when Anna’s around. I dare you. You’re gonna get a fistful of Anna Rage and a very angry redhead screaming “THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO MY BOYFRIEND I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU” Look this woman punched a man off a boat and knocked a wolf half a mile away with a guitar thing she absolutely takes no shits and she can and will fuck you up if you so much as lay a finger on her precious dork Hiccup thinks this is really hot btw 26. What songs do they sing together in the vehicle? For whatever reason the first songs that come to mind are “Africa” by Toto and “Don’t Stop Believin” by Journey. ALSO “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus since they both are, in fact, teenage dirtbags XD It also like perfectly describes the story of a modern AU where Hiccup the Loser is secretly pining for Anna the Nice Popular Girl who is dating Hans the Douchebag but that’s neither here nor there 27. What other couple would your otp get along with? Jackunzel, Jackunzel, Jackunzel!!! Jack and Hiccup would definitely be bros, even if they are not above mercilessly roasting and/or trolling one another XD And Anna and Rapunzel would be BEST FRIENDS if they ever met and I will DIE on this hill, I legit don’t think Anna would Vibe with any other princess as hard as she vibes with Punzel. They could be ADHD disasters together XD 28. Who likes to prank the other? Anna actually turns out to be quite the closet gadfly and has a secret side that LOVES pranks and generally trolling Hiccup, much to everyone’s surprise and Hiccup’s mild dismay. It’s always pretty innocent and subtle pranks, like switching books on his bookshelf or hiding his various possessions in weird places in the house, but Anna absolutely LIVES for that long, defeated sigh he lets out when he realizes he’s Been Had. 29. Who is the one who loves to take pictures? Anna takes pictures of EVERYTHING on her phone--scenery, flowers, cute animals they come across, weird buildings, pretty fountains, Hiccup when he’s not looking, EVERYTHING XD She also bombs all her social media accounts with selfies of her and Hiccup and captions gloating about how great he is and how you WISH your boyfriend was this cool and rad and Hiccup is both embarrassed and flattered by this. 30. How would they react if they found out they were soul mates? Anna, who probably never stopped fully being a sucker for fairy tale True Love stories and all that shit, would fangirl for hours and hours. Hiccup would just go, “Oh, neat!” and go back to whatever project he was currently working on XD I mean his logic is mainly that regardless of whether it’s “magically destined” or not, he’s gonna date Anna anyway, so it really doesn’t make a scrap of difference to him whether she’s dubbed by some Mystical Higher Power as his soulmate lol  31. Where would they live? Well...SOMEWHERE in Scandinavia, since that’s canonically where both Berk and Arendelle are XD I kinda like the idea of them spending part of the year in Berk and part in Arendelle...maybe spring and summer in Berk, and fall and winter in Arendelle? I imagine spring and summer are when there’s the most interesting dragon activity in Berk, and winter’s probably pretty festive and colorful in Arendelle, if OFA is anything to go by. And the fall color is pretty too, going by Frozen 2. Seems like a good compromise, since I doubt either of them would want to permanently move away from their homes. 32. What type of dragon would they own, if they could have one? Given the shipping this question is HILARIOUSLY ironic Well it just so happens they would have a type of dragon called a Night Fury and name him Toothless XD Anna would probably have a dragon of her own too--I conversed with someone on fanfic.net and did some research into all the HTTYD dragons, and I think the one I like her most with is a sand wraith, since they live on the beach and Anna certainly seems to like the beach, if her throwaway comment complaining Elsa doesn’t have “tropical” powers is anything to go by XD 33. If they were both vampires, what type of vampires would they be? First of all, fuck you for making me google “Types of Vampires” and then getting me aggravated because like nowhere on the internet is there a straightforward list of vampire "species” that isn’t like 5 miles long or just a meme XD Welp, I couldn’t really find a list of vampire species that wouldn’t take forever to look over, so I wrote a summary for a vampire fanfic instead Anna turns first. I imagine probably Hans turns her--tricks her into falling in love with him without knowing he’s a vampire, and then biting her when she’s off-guard to basically try to make her into a spooky sex slave or something. Anna starts seeing Hiccup in secret (who she knew before--he’s still human at this point), and eventually he asks her to turn him so that he can be with her without her outliving him and also so that they can team up and fight Hans together. Anna has a lot of reservations about turning him, but finally agrees. They end up kicking Hans out of his spooky vampire castle and taking it for themselves XD Anna eventually makes the best of being a vampire, and has a blast wearing all manor of fancy dresses and throwing extravagant balls. She’s pretty bummed about never getting to gorge herself on garlic bread again, though :( Hiccup doesn’t much like it, especially since a lot of animals are scared of him now and he doesn’t Vibe with nature quite like he used to D: Nonetheless, he decides to use the immortality to do some pretty neat projects and work on his contraptions and inventions and whatnot. I imagine they eventually devolve into kind of a vigilante duo, and make a point of only hunting down and feeding on bad people who are actively hurting or abusing other people or animals. A pretty good incentive to not like...do violent crime in this AU is those creepy old wives’ tales people tell their kids like “don’t be an asshole when you grow up, or the Haddock vampires will get you!” 34. What would they dress up as, for Halloween? Well Hiccup would be some sort of dragon, obviously! Anna I have no idea...but I kinda like the idea of her just dressing up as a generic fairy tale princess and then going around with Hiccup like “oh no, this dragon kidnapped me!” Both their friends and various trick-or-treaters get a kick out of the whole bit. 35. Can they name each other’s favourite food? But of course! Anna’s is chocolate, krumkake, and sandwiches, and Hiccup’s is crabcakes (yes, all this is actually canon! I do my research for fanfiction thank you very much lol). And you can bet they surprise each other by buying one another’s favorite foods all the time! 36. Do they have pet names for one another? In my fanfic I always have Hiccup come up with SO MANY for Anna, like in my Fire!Anna AU fanfic alone I have Fire Hazard, Firecracker, and probably a few others I can’t remember One headcanon I really like is that whenever Anna is especially ready to attempt to kick the ass of something she really should NOT fight (such as a giant snowman), Hiccup physically has to hold her back and goes “Whoa, slow down there, tiger” and this happens so frequently that eventually it gets shortened to just calling her Tiger XD And hey, with the orange hair and the feistiness, it still fits! As for Anna, she usually just calls Hiccup Dragon Boy or Nerd XD 37. How do they cheer each other up? I imagine Hiccup probably tries to distract Anna from whatever’s bothering her by making her laugh and talking in dumb accents or imitating his dad XD Anna would probably try to help Hiccup stay optimistic about a bad situation and try to point out the positives, but more in an encouraging way than like...an obnoxious, condescending “oh, it could be worse, count your blessings!” kind of way. And Anna has so much peppy energy about it that it actually does sometimes manage to pierce Hiccup’s cynicism and make him feel a bit better, if only for a little while before he starts once again imagining everything that could possibly go wrong XD 38. Do they show a lot of PDA? Eeeeeyup XD They looooove holding hands in public, and enjoy kissing dramatically in front of the sunset and such. I mean I imagine they don’t have hardcore makeout sessions in public or feel each other up sexually, if only because they don’t want to make people THAT uncomfortable. 39. How old were they when they got together? Depends on the AU you’re using and where in both their respective timelines they meet, but I imagine them meeting either as kids or in their early teens, and then taking so damn long to spit out how they feel that they don’t actually start dating until their late teens or early 20s. 40. Who is the one that would bring the puppy home? If it’s a puppy? Probably Anna. If it’s a kitten or a weird, injured reptile? Deeeefinitely Hiccup. 41. Can they do yoga couple’s poses? They most certainly CANNOT. I like to think Elsa and Honeymaren tried to teach them one time and have a yoga double date (because of COURSE Elsa would suggest that) and it ended with Anna and Hiccup butchering every last pose, repeatedly falling on their asses, and generally having a bad time. Poor Elsa and Honeymaren had to work hard to keep from just losing their shit laughing. 42. What is their song? I mean...I don’t know what their like...OFFICIAL song is, but the songs “West End Kids” by the New Politics and “Paper Rings” by Taylor Swift have always had Big Hiccanna Energy to me. 43. What does their room look like? It’s divided pretty neatly in two. Hiccup’s side has a near-spotless floor, a desk with a perfectly-organized bookshelf and a very chic desk lamp, several movie posters and a hanging whiteboard with miscellaneous invention designs and reminders about random stuff written on it. Anna’s side looks like Hurricane Katrina just swept through, this time with a personal vendetta against snack wrappers. 44. Who would be the one to kill zombies while the other keeps them grounded? Anna would absolutely be the sort to just fuckin tear through hoards of zombies screeching battle cries and knocking them all upside the head with a crowbar, or just straight plowing down an entire hoard with some freaking machine gun she stumbled on and taught herself how to use because she wanted to be badass XD Meanwhile Hiccup is absolutely grateful for the protection because Anna can fuck up a LOT of zombies at once, but he also has to keep the girl from going TOO crazy and accidentally putting her impulsive dumbass in grave peril XD 45. Who makes the other breakfast in bed? Hiccup, for sure. He’s used to being up pretty early because I imagine you get the most dragon-flying and exploring in if you wake up early, and he knows food is basically the only thing that will make Anna not hate getting up, so he makes her breakfast in bed as often as he can to make waking up suck less. And sure enough, after a while Anna starts to hate the morning just a liiiiittle bit less XD 46. Who loves kids more? Anna! Given how fun-loving and energetic she is, she probably loves hanging out with and being around kids. Hiccup likes kids fine, but he often feels kinda awkward and weird around them (I mean...more so than usual XD) because he isn’t sure how to interact with them. When they’re around kids, Hiccup usually follows Anna’s lead on how to talk to them. 47. Do either of them have a crazy ex? Well Anna’s ex attempted to use her to infiltrate and take over a kingdom and then tried to murder her sister so I mean 48. What are their favourite colours? Going by their canon color schemes, I’m guessing Anna’s would probably be like spring green and magenta, and Hiccup’s would be a more dark, foresty green and red. 49. Who likes to cook? Hiccup. Anna can’t cook for shit because she generally doesn’t have the patience for it and would just as soon live off of freezer food if she could because it’s less trouble XD Hiccup is good at making/building things, which actually translates to him being a pretty good chef. He makes Anna food a lot and she absolutely ADORES his cooking. 50. Who is the forgetful one? Anna. Gotta love that ADHD babeyyyy! (I mean I’m practically irl Anna and I am NOTORIOUSLY forgetful so it’s gotta be her XD)

[mimzy-writing-online]

Some Blind Things I (and actual blind person) Have Done

I talk all the time about what’s realistic for a blind person to do and how to write a blind character who isn’t a complete media myth of touching faces and super powers... soooo, part of that is knowing what kind of things an actual blind person (me) fucks up doing because I’m blind.

These moments include: Me sarcastically telling people I cannot see the thing they’re doing. Moments where I have zero manners. Moments where I do have manners. Making people uncomfortable because they’re staring at me. Great phrases like, “I have too much ADHD to count to eight.” and “It’s literally illegal for me to drive.” and “Wait, who are you?” “That’s not how we talk to people Mimzy.” My cats’ growing concern that I can’t see them or tell them apart but continuing to love me. Channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong. Updates on the ongoing insomnia writing.

There’s no chronological order to them, I’m not sure there’s going to be any order to them at all, but it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep and it’s called the Late Night Writing Advice Blog for a reason.

(I definitely did not have to double check my own blog title while typing that, definitely not)

Note: This list gets a little long, but it’s a funny read and I was up until 4:30 (this note is from a future Mimzy who’s almost finished posting this, after 1.5 hours)

Additional Note: Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary because I would love if someone enjoyed this. Like, these are stories of my life, please appreciate them.

The Things!

-My best friend and I hang out mostly at night because of his 9-5 job, and he still lives with his parents who probably don’t like me so when we hang out we’re mostly driving around on random adventures and coffee/tea runs and late night dinners. 

So it’s night, and my night vision is awful and I have to wear sunglasses anyway because what I can see is painfully bright headlights so yeah I see basically nothing.

With my best friend, I have

1. after asking him a question: “Did you nod at me and I just didn’t see it.” “I did nod.” or after waiting long enough for a response he’ll realize what he did on his own and say, “I was shaking my head no, sorry.”

2. Reaching into total darkness to touch his shoulder and touched his armpit instead.

3. Dropped something from my bag onto his messy car floor and asked him to find it for me because it all looks blurry and grey-black down there, even without sunglasses

4. Sensed he was going for a high five and I gave him a perfect high five. Surprised, he wanted to test it again. I completely missed.

5. “We’re passing the oil refinery, so enjoy hearing, touching, smelling, tasting that.” plus 3 other identical jokes on the same drive. “Hey, can you stop making blind jokes, I’m starting to hate them these days.” “When did that happen?” “When one not-great classmate slash sort of friend made them all the time.” “That’s a shame.” “Blind jokes from sighted people are also super repetitive. The only blind jokes I seem to like are from other blind people.”

6. Him: “You’re rolling your eyes behind your sunglasses, I can tell!” 

7. Once we saw snow once our way driving home from Las Vegas. It was March, it was after midnight, and the warmest it had been at any point in that night was 40 degrees Fahrenheit (4.4 degrees Celsius. That’s a real comparison?? That’s a scary number to an American who’s barely ever left California. We were driving through the mountainy area of California where the temp really drops and for three seconds we saw snow in the wind. Well, he saw it. Something moved, it was small and flaky but like... that was actually snow and I couldn’t see it? (this was three, almost four years ago)

8. Last weekend we drove around the rich neighborhoods to look at Christmas decorations because I love Christmas lights because for ones light actually looks pretty instead of painful and I can see it at night without hurting, so it’s nice. I love the pretty visual things. Blindness will not take the pretty visual things from me! And the decorations just make me so happy and I wanted to do that last year but never did, so we did that this year

9. I also told him about the cripple punk tag on Tumblr last weekend and he was delighted to know it exists because he’s got other chronic health issues including downright awful knees.

Other blind things not directly involving my best friend

1. I have paused writing to ask a sighted person if it’s realistic for my sighted characters to see X item from Y distance away. Usually my dad with his stupidly perfect vision.

2. Realizing I’m forgetting what sighted people can see. It’s been four years since I saw like a normal person. And all my sighted memories are literally blurry from age.

3. But I still have dreams where I see normally. And then dreams where everything is too bright like in real life and I cannot see and what is happening???

At home, specifically

1. I have three cats who I can’t tell the difference between. I have a small black and brown tabby cat. A black and orange tortie cat who is slightly heavy but medium build. An all black cat who is huge and has the longest fur I’ve ever touched on a cat. I cannot tell the difference between them until I’m up close. Especially if the lighting bad.

2. Tonight I almost set my laptop on top of Remy, my brown and black tabby, because I didn’t see here a foot away from me, curled up next to my leg, somehow blending in with my orange and blue comforter. Her concerned look I did see and was horrified by my almost fuck up and apologized profusely for.

3. Cannot see Felix, my black cat, half the time if the lighting is bad and have almost sat on him, put my feet in his face, tripped over him, etc. because he blends into the shadows and oh my fucking god I cannot see that.

Note: Remy cuddles with me all the time. Felix adores me but will not be caught dead cuddling anyone because dignity, but if he’s in my room and nobody’s around to see he’s insistent on cuddling. Rio (black and orange tortie) is devoted to my mum, and she knows she makes me nervous when she suddenly jumps on me and I get really shifty and squirmy and not fun to cuddle with, so we’re cool and I give her pets but she doesn’t usually crawl onto me unless she wants to make my mum jealous.

4. Can sneak up on family members and friends because I move so quietly, so at least there’s that. Not a blind thing, but it makes up for some things.

5. Have walked up to someone I thought was a friend, realized I don’t know them, and the first thing out my mouth was “Wait, who are you?” and then a close friend (and the party host) grab me by the shoulders and say, “That’s not how we talk to people,” and just like, where are your manners Mimzy, wtf, but I never saw that stranger again so it’s okay.

Side Note: blindness aside, I do have a habit of just rudely speaking my mind in not-appropriate settings because I just don’t care and don’t have the anxiety to at least act like I care. They’re very satisfying, but usually very rare moments.

6. Please stop moving things around the house!

7. “What do you mean there are cobwebs?” *Shines a flashlight at the dark corners of my room* “oh my god...”

8. Me, to my family members, “Please close those curtains, light hurts. Please turn off that lamp, it’s too bright in here.” *me, later turns off most of the lights in the house* Family members: “Why is it so dark in here? I can’t see.” *Me, channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong* “Oh no, what a tragedy!”

9. Mum is the only one who vaguely appreciates my light sensitivity because she also has snow vision (a mild case) and has a little light sensitivity, sometimes, on her bad days.

More Not Quite Appropriate Things!

There are so many things that I say only to realize that there is a very nearby stranger who heard that out of context and it sounded so bad.

1. Best Friend (while I’m walking down stairs just fine, by myself, don’t need anyone’s help, I can do it!) “There are eight steps.” “I don’t need your help.” “I know but--” “I’m fine!” “I’m just trying to help.” “I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway!”

“I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway,” is exactly what two strangers heard while walking right behind me.

Why would you sneak up on someone who’s so obviously blind??

2. “Sea foam green is an ugly color anyway.” I was in a mall, it was well lit and I was using my cane and managing with my crap vision, but I managed to see that specific color I hate on a dress right next to me, and the woman walking on the other side of the mannequin display heard that and did a double take on my obviously blind self.

Or so I’m told by my mom who could see what happened.

3. Similar to above, I was in the Artist Village in San Diego, which is a huge tourist trap, and I was sort of a tourist too, but it’s freaking outdoors, so I have the cane and sunglasses. And I’m in an Artist Village (very visual thing) with my parents, so out of place. And this random dude was apparently staring at me. Cannot see him, absolutely no idea which direction my mum is pointing towards, everything is blank and weird and not see-able, but I turned my head and by some miracle looked directly at him and he freaked out and looked away.

4. “Oh yeah, make fun of the blind person!” sarcastically, but loudly, somewhere public after a joke a friend had made that I was actually okay with.

5. “Driving and hiking are my two biggest weaknesses,” said out of context to people who didn’t know I was blind.

6. “I forgot you were blind.” “Well I didn’t.” More channeling of Toph, I think.

7. “Why can’t you drive?” *points to cane* *he does not get it* “It’s very illegal for me to drive.” *does not get it* “They’re blind dude,” classmate says. “Very blind.” “You seem to get around just fine,” says the man who only see me indoors with the very best lighting scenario for my vision. “Yeah, but that’s because I have the cane.” “So?” You seem just fine, he seems to think. How dumb are you? I definitely think. “Why do you need the cane?” “Because I would die if I didn’t have it. I have almost died. People would die if I tried to drive.”

8. Later: “Did he think you could just drive and use your cane to feel the road or something?” “I guess.”

9. More questions from other people who don’t know me very well asking why I can’t drive. “Because it’s illegal.” Their confusion is wondering specifically why it’s illegal rather than thinking I’m not actually blind. I explain the laws in the driving handbook, because I have read it (unlike some people I guess. How did you miss the ‘drivers must be able to see at least 20/40 with their best corrected eye” and I haven’t been in that category for two years.

Note: My day blindness came two years before my vision acuity reached visually impaired status. So, like, two years of wishing I had a cane but thinking “I’m not blind enough” and still being terrified in certain situations and risking my life walking around without one or some sighted guide.

Similar Public Things

1. I can see indoors pretty well so I get by on prescription glasses and no cane (I see 20/70 - 20/100 with glasses) but sometimes the mall is crowded and nobody gives me space and I’m just not comfortable getting so close to people, so I bust out my cane (and maybe my sunglasses too) so I look extra blind and people will give me the space to walk without running into someone.

2. Have also done that just because the indoor lights were also too bright and I need my sunglasses.

3. Have stared at my phone in public with cane/sunglasses, or tried taking photos with it, and I get so many weird looks because blind people see nothing I guess, none of us have any vision at all! (read sarcasm)

4. Walking into a coffee shop I’ve been to before and I know they change their teas all the freaking time. Also got the cane. “Hi, can you tell me what iced teas you have right now?” “Oh, they’re all on that sign.” *blank look* Do you not realize I’m blind? I’m thinking. “What kind of black tea do you have? Do you have any tropical black tea?” (because they usually do and I love tropical black tea, and they did that day too, so I ordered that.)

5. I cannot read menus. Those restaurants that have the menus above the register are awful, evil. Cannot read. In the wonderful days of my childhood I didn’t have prescription glasses for my moderately not great but still mostly functional vision (my dad has perfect vision and no concept whatsoever about what it’s like to not be able to see those things!) So imagine my parents dragging me to restaurants like that and I’m 10 years old and supposedly can read perfectly fine but I cannot read that menu and I think it’s some personal character fault of mine that I just don’t know how to read those kinds of menus, so I have to ask my mum to help me choose a food to order and eat, and then that’s the only thing I ever order any time I ever go back. So, I’m quickly getting sick of those places because I only eat one item there and I want to try something new with a restaurant with those nice hand held menus, but those are sit-down restaurants and apparently they cost more money, sooo...

6. That was a rant I went on with my best friend last weekend

Side note: It’s almost 4 am, my mum just woke up, saw the light on in my room from under the crack of my door and said hi. I’m at a point right now where she just expects it and isn’t one to judge (unlike my dad who has zero insomnia because he has hypersomnia and I don’t know how humans do that)

Side Note Ten Minutes Later: My laptop is at 10% but I plugged it in because dammit I am finishing this tonight and it will have all the things.

7. “Hey, where’s the trash can? I can’t find one.” *also mistakes a trashcan and a human being just sitting still. All the time* “Why not just litter then?” best friend asks, knowing exactly how I’ll respond. “I have manners!”

8. I hate traveling even a little by myself. My orientation and mobility skills with my cane aren’t that bad, but they’re not good enough for me to feel comfortable walking around by myself anywhere that isn’t super familiar with routes I already have practiced and memorized (school, close friend’s houses or apartments, the blocks in my neighborhood I’ve walked 500 times coming too and from school or walking dogs with my parents). Anywhere unfamiliar or wide/open or crowded or God Forbid, OUTSIDE is a source of terror and will not let my traveling companions leave me alone for longer than a few minutes and certainly not walk away on my own.

9. Will not go to bars because I present female and I am visibly disabled and that makes me look like an easy target and why would I risk that unnecessarily?

I’m gonna cut it off here. This is a long post, and I need to just finally go to bed. Goodnight. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary. I’d like to know that someone liked this.

[alesbianwholifts]

I remember when I began my fitness journey, walking into the crowded gym with my head hanging because I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew I wanted a change. Fast forward several years, multiple lbs lost, gained back, lost again.. crippling anxiety, insomnia, depression and an extremely low sense of self.. after going to school to pursue fitness and health, being a trainer for a few years, getting into nursing and now here I am.. I still work full time at the hospital, but I am finding my way back to my roots.. I love helping others see their potential and watching their confidence soar. I want to get you the results you want and deserve - Results like dropping 5-15lbs, dropping inches or just feeling better in your skin - without leaving the house, or spending endless hours in crowded gyms, running on treadmills ( 🥱 yawn)  ⚠️30-minute workouts you can do from HOME or ANYWHERE (backyard, cabin, whatever floats your little boat! ) ⚠️An easy to follow diet plan that will guarantee results and also allow wiggle room for you to still enjoy those foods you just can’t give up! ( chocolate is my “drug” Of choice) ⚠️And above all, RESULTS (that people that spend 1.5 hours/day at the gym get) This is for YOU! If this sounds like a DREAM PLAN ✨ (with the summer weather in full effect - gotta have some flexibility!!), let's take action & do this! Drop an emoji and let’s chat 💭😎 https://www.instagram.com/p/CCMIsdPpOLn/?igshid=19mzx1hge551y

[byologee]

20 questions tag

fpansteI have been tagged in this by a few ppl ( @kaiyastudies, @readstudyhike tyy) so thank you very much friends!! i am always very happy to be tagged in things but am also shy and a mighty procrastinator so i sometimes don’t respond 

name: Faith 

nicknames: Tay (family nickname), baba yaga lmaoooo im ur local witch

zodiac sign: Capricorn 

height: 5′9 or 175cm

languages spoken: English, Spanish, conversational German

nationality: American 

favorite season: All the seasons lol I love them all but prob Fall 

favorite flower: Lily of the Valley, Edelweiss

favorite scent: Roses, all those dumb fall candles lol 

favorite color: I love all colors but I really love red, dark green, pastel pink, and pastel yellow 

favorite animal: catsssss

favorite fictional character: Princess Leia, Ahsoka Tano, Captain Rex (I am clearly very into starwars lmao)

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: Coffee bitch

average hours of sleep: lmaoooo I have chronic insomnia and I also oversleep (props of a crippling mental illness) so it depends lol sometimes its 4 hours and other times its 10 THERE IS NO AVERAGE

dog or cat person: cats and i have two of them

number of blankets you sleep with: 3 bc im a cold ass bitch

dream trip: back to Vienna, Austria always however I would love to visit Japan and South Korea 

blog established: I think 2015 but I could be wrong 

followers: 600 ish

random fact: I cosplay and wish I was a historical reenactor lmao ALSO i have a double ureter lmaooo 

i tag @lisgoe, @z-oologystudy, @jemostudies, @starlightandstudies, @studyluisa, @nabasynth, @sept-studyying, @greenlightstudyblr, @coffeewithkika, @caffeinated-psychology, @as-study-blog, @thekingsstudy, @genjistudies, @pancakestudies, @readplusstudy, @bujowsofie, @vivirstudies, @floralanndfading, @soft-studyish, @thefuturelawyer, @flarenotes

and anyone else who wants to do it!! im sorry if i didn’t tag anyone!! 

[alarawriting]

Inktober #26: Dark

My name’s Mike London, and I hunt vampires, and that’s why I don’t love the darkness anymore.

Yeah, I know, I know. At this point you’re probably thinking “do we really have time to unpack all that?”, but the thing you’re getting hung up on is vampires, because vampires aren’t real. How could creatures who are technically dead survive only on blood, and if they were running around turning people into vampires every time they drank blood, why isn’t the world overrun with vampires? How could anyone function if they burst into flames when exposed to sunlight, why wouldn’t they show up on mirrors, does that mean they don’t show up on cameras, so on and so forth.

Okay, so most of the myths are wrong. You can see a vampire in a mirror… unless the vampire is positioned to see into your eyes, or their reflection. Vampires are stronger than humans but not by much – you know about that hysterical strength “mom lifts car off child” thing humans can do in extreme circumstances? They can do it all the time, because their bodies are constantly resetting to a perfect state based on what they were like at the moment of undeath, plus their self-image, with bodies that are perfectly healed except for anything that’s part of the self-image, like a scar that they’ve grown to identify with or a piercing. They’re faster than most humans, but they still have human muscles, so we’re talking Usain Bolt, not the Flash, or even a cheetah. They do burst into flames when exposed to strong ultraviolet light, a condition I can kind of sympathize with myself. And they aren’t created when a vampire drinks your blood, but when you drink a vampire’s, when your own blood levels are very low. As soon as a person has more vampiric blood than human blood in their system, boom, vampire.

They have only one really magical superpower, aside from the fact that they’re alive when they shouldn’t be, and it explains all the others that humans believe they have. If they can look into your eyes, and hold your gaze, they can control your mind. Make you think they’re invisible, make you think they just exploded into a hundred bats, make you compelled to do what they say.

It doesn’t work on me, because I’m an albino. And that’s why, despite the fact that all I ever wanted was to write programs, I am stuck hunting vampires as a side hustle. I’m still physically weaker and slower than they are, and while I see better in the dark than you do, I don’t see as well as they do. In light without UV components, such as standard indoor lighting, my vision’s more impaired than theirs, and a lot more than yours. But they can’t mesmerize me, and frankly, your average vampire has gotten so used to being able to mesmerize humans, it’s crippling for them to run into a human where it doesn’t work.

You probably haven’t got the vaguest idea why being an albino protects me. Maybe you have some notion that albinos have weird superpowers, since frankly in fiction we almost always do. You probably don’t know exactly how my disabilities work – in movies and TV, albinos never get to play albinos, it’s always white men in makeup.

Albinos have bad vision. Lack of pigment in the retina when we’re developing gives us vision problems that can’t be corrected with glasses. It’s like we have fewer pixels to see the world than you do, so everything’s going to be fuzzy no matter how strong the prescription lenses are. And a side effect of bad vision from birth is something called rhythmatic nystagmus, where our eyes go back and forth like an old DVD using pan-and-scan to show a movie on old-school near-square CRT televisions. (Old technology’s a hobby of mine.) I don’t have any conscious control or even awareness of it; I couldn’t stop my eyes from moving like that if I tried, short of closing them. My brain does post-processing on the moving image to make it look to me like my eyes aren’t moving, combining multiple snapshots from different angles into a single image. It means my ability to see a moving object is crap even if it’s close enough that I should be able to see it otherwise, but in theory it lets me see more detail than I would otherwise.

The thing is, there’s a reason the legends all have the vampires going “Look into my eyes”. They need to be able to make and sustain eye contact, the kind where you stare into each other’s eyes, and they can’t do that with eyes that are moving constantly. It’s not that I can’t see their eyes, because for me things don’t look like they’re going back and forth while my eyes move. It’s that they can’t look into mine.

I found this out the hard way last year. I was working at a big financial company, and I was behind schedule on the software I was building for them, and they had security rules that didn’t allow me to work from home. The boss used to say not to stay after hours, but I figured this was the kind of thing bosses say to make the company sound friendly and accommodating but is actually a control freak thing intended to benefit the morning people, which I have never been one of. I can’t drive – the state won’t give me a license, with my eyes – and I have chronic insomnia and equally chronic problems with waking up in the morning, making it impossible for me to rideshare with any of my co-workers. So I generally have an intermittently employed friend of mine who shares my apartment drive me places, and this means I’m usually late to work. If I can’t stay late and I can’t bring work home, I fall behind on my projects. Also, I do my best work late at night when there are no distractions. So I was in the habit of going to the bathroom with all of my stuff around 5:30 and then coming out at 6 after my boss had left. I could sit on the toilet with my laptop and continue to work, answering emails and setting Outlook to send them at 8 am in the morning the next day to make it look like I work normal hours, and then when I came out I could get back to the serious programming work, because my boss wasn’t a programmer and had no idea how to check the timestamps of my build check-ins.

It turned out it wasn’t corporate bullcrap after all. It was vampires. Vampires would come into the building to hold meetings on some kind of irregular schedule that meant something to them. I’d been working late for almost two weeks when they showed up, mesmerized my housemate and nearly ate both of us, and I had to kill a few of them with the combination of a steak knife from the kitchen and the cheap bamboo chopsticks I have a few hundred of in my drawer because I’m always getting Chinese takeout for lunch. See, you can’t actually stab a chopstick into a vampire’s heart – it’s too fragile – but stabbing with a regular knife only takes them out of commission for the two minutes or so it takes them to heal. But if you then stick a wooden chopstick in the wound, it prevents them from regenerating, and bamboo is apparently wood for vampire-killing purposes.

Also, I had a black light in my laptop bag, suitable for detecting whether my cats have peed on my laptop bag before I take it to work because they’ve done it so many times I’ve gotten desensitized to the smell of cat pee, and while I don’t like looking at UV light – my eyes have zero protection from it, so it’s painful – it’s a lot worse for vampires, whose skin will burn from very tiny amounts of UV exposure and can actually set on fire. And it’s just astonishing how often vampires will stand there trying to mesmerize you while you walk up to them and stab them in the heart, because they just can’t comprehend “human who cannot be mesmerized”.

And now that I know vampires exist and that I’m immune to their most powerful weapon… well, shit. I’m kind of stuck. I don’t actually know any other albinos, or anyone else with rhythmic nystagmus, and for normal people, wearing the kind of dark glasses that make it so the vampires can’t see your eyes will completely prevent you from seeing anything in the kind of darkness vampires like. I’m the only one I know who can do this. And they don’t kill humans constantly – they don’t need to – but they spread disease (they can’t get blood-borne illnesses but they can sure carry them) and they tend to pick on weaker humans to begin with, people who have less resistance to the bad effects of losing a lot of blood, because if chronically ill people seem sick and lethargic everyone assumes it’s their illness and not vampires attacking them. They’re like humanoid rats, in other words. If you had a well-behaved pet one who never harmed humans and only drank from volunteers, that one would be fine. But the rest of them are vermin.

Now, the best time to kill vampires is during the day, when they’re sleeping. Vampires know this. You are not going to find them when they’re sleeping, and if you did, you’d have to fight your way through their security guards, who are human, and do not know they’re protecting vampires, and really don’t deserve to have to deal with people trying to kill them. Also, being security guards, they are better at mayhem than I am; I’m an IT guy. So, lucky me, I have to go after them at night, when they have all the advantages except one: they expect to be able to mesmerize me, and they can’t.

Nighttime used to be my time. No bright sun glaring in my face and giving me a sunburn. Everyone around me having such poor vision from it being dark that my bad eyesight isn’t a disadvantage anymore, and when it’s dark enough, my eyesight gets better than theirs because my eyes collect every single photon that hits them, no filters. I’d walk around at night, or crank up my stereo and write code until 4 am.

But every time it’s dark, now, I know: they’re out there. They’re hunting. Feeding. And if I don’t track them down and get rid of them, people might die.

And that’s why I can’t love the darkness anymore.

[ittakesrain]

The storm has subsided (mostly)

I guess it’s like a pendulum. It goes from one extreme to the other, oscillating with all that energy being saved up and used between swings, whizzing by its equilibrium position, giving me whiplash as I try to keep up and get my head on straight. But eventually, the momentum, which is thankfully not conserved, slows it down and it stops.

Basically, when I’m coming out of a period of what I call “I just lost my goddamn mind,” it becomes more spread out. Less intense, I guess, although yesterday’s random panic attack was pretty insane. But today has been fine, and tomorrow might be a little iffy, but then the next day will most likely be fine. And so on.

That’s exhausting in its own right because I’ve said a billion times that I’d rather just feel shitty than feel shitty with periods of feeling okay. I don’t like being teased like that.  Unfortunately, I don’t have control over how it works (ugh).

I don’t think I have to explain that in the darkest depths of my depressions, I physically cannot find any good, any meaning, any safe thought to rest on. “Just being positive” is not an option because my thoughts are spinning painfully fast and I am totally unable to fathom how I’ve every functioned and how I’ll ever be able to function again. It’s all-consuming, omnipresent dread.

(Sidenote: someone literally tried to pull the whole “just be positive” bullshit on me the other day, and then proceeded to tell me about people who have it worse than I do but still have better attitudes than me…needless to say, I was not very happy…I didn’t even bother to explain how utterly wrong she was because why waste the little energy I somehow still had?)

Howeverrrrr, now that I don’t feel like death warmed over, I’m using the time to do what I always fucking do and value the semi-calm and pretend there’s meaning in this bullshit (okay, I’m still a bit negative, but go with me here). I’ve done this countless times before, but hey, why not do it again? Maybe thinking this way and preparing for the eventual and inevitable next-time will finally be of use. Fingers crossed. Anyway, here’s a list.

How to survive the bad days

1. Just don’t

Don’t bother. Don’t try. Don’t waste precious energy. It can wait. It will have to wait. It has no choice but to wait. I’m not talking about literally everything by saying this. Obviously there are some responsibilities we can’t totally hide from. But don’t add shit to your to-do list that you don’t have to. Cut out literally everything you can cut out. Another way to phrase this might be “get your priorities straight.” And, my main point, I guess, is to not beat yourself up about not. Survival mode is difficult enough. Give yourself credit.

2. Maintain your body one thing at a time

There are things human beings hafta do to like, be human beings. We need to take care of ourselves. Use the car analogy or whatever, cars require maintenance, bodies do too. There’s lots to do though, and right now you don’t wanna do any of them. So maybe choose one thing and then feel good that you’ve done that thing and then stop trying to do more things because #depressionisexhausting amirite? Choose from the following: wash your face, brush your teeth, have a glass of water, stretch your body, take a shower, change your clothes, open a window and get some fresh air, eat something with some sort of nutritional value

3. Ask for help

Why face the monsters from the hell that is your brain alone? You literally don’t have to. People love you, they’re there to support you (it’s true; your depression and anxiety are lying to you, those worthless motherfuckers). I might be guilty of asking too many people for help (usually), which is bad because there’s so much input coming in, not all of it valuable or helpful, and it’s overwhelming (and I’m already overwhelmed). This round I kinda just kept to myself and didn’t answer any texts or messages because I had no brainpower to figure out how to describe this bs yet again, let alone figure out how to put words together). But when I finally thought to call one person, it was actually helpful. And I dunno, they say talking helps in general? So yeah.

4. If you can do it, do it

If you can open your Pinterest app and find an inspirational quote, do it. If you can summon the will to put a single dish from the sink into the dishwasher, do it. If you can try to quiet your mind, try to breathe deeply in spite of the anguish, do it. If you can’t, refer to point #1 and don’t. You’ll be able to at one point or another, so just wait it out. I think giving up and not doing shit you can actually do makes things worse, though (duh).

5. Be miserable all around the house

I assume you’ve been laying in bed all day. Maybe you’re crying or maybe you’re totally catatonic. Whatever the case may be, try to be miserable somewhere else. Sit on your couch and cry or stare blankly into space. Sit on the floor and curl into a ball there as opposed to on a comfier surface. Feel the pain in the kitchen. Drag yourself to the bathroom and feel the weight of the world there, instead. I think not staying in one place helps trigger some sort of something good in our brains. Might be totally wrong. But maybe you’ll be less bored (on top of your crippling depression).

6. Go to sleep then be awake, repeat

I basically slept whenever I could this episode. It started with insomnia, of course (hypomania always starts with that and violent irritability, both of which are just…so unpleasant). But when I got sick enough of that I’d take Benadryl and shit to knock myself out. Dunno if that was wise, please don’t take my idiotic advice without talking to your doc. But sleeping/ not being conscious while I waited it out? Sounded good to me. Buttttt I think next time (ughhhhh next time) I’ll try to be awake when I’m awake. Not saying I’m not gonna sleep my days away. God knows I can’t make that promise. But like. There’s a certain something about being an awake and alert entity that seems helpful.

Right

Has this been helpful? Probably not to read, but it’s been helpful to write. Am I going to remember these “tips” when major depression crashes into me like the meteor that caused the ice age? Probably not. Why did I write this then? Eh, why not.

[distressedpanda]

Her Song (Loki x OFC) Part 7

Warnings: Mentions of blood, mentions of death

A/N: I will not apologize for posting late and I am adjusting my update schedule to as often as possible. I don’t think people understand how hard it is to write these stories sometimes. And writers like myself do this for free. I have a full time job, a son with autisim, and his therapy dog to attend to on a daily basis. Add on top of that, I have fibromyalgia, athritis (that is slowly crippling my hands), insomnia, and social anxiety. My plate is full, but writing has became an amazing outlet for me. I love it!

So anyway. . . rant over I promise. Notes about this chapter now. This is unfortunately sort of a filler chapter. I didn’t mean for it to end up that way, but tada! It happened. It finally explains Iloa’s back story and basically helps me move the story along.

As always comments and likes fuel my writing! If you want to be tagged just let me know!

Tags: @whosaidididthat​

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

 Over the next few days, the tower was in chaos. Tony called in contractors to inspect the building. Luckily, there was no structural damage, but the training area and the floors above and below it needed some serious repairs. Steve decided to help the contractors with the repairs, but Tony knew they could no longer stay in the tower. He needed to move everyone to the compound upstate.

No one, save the three involved, understood how this had happened. There had been no direct attack on the tower. Thor, Loki and especially Iloa, weren't answering any questions.

Iloa had locked herself in her room, only answering the door for Natasha when she brought food. But she would immediately lock the door again after taking the tray.

Loki knew this because he was sitting outside her room, refusing to leave. He refused food and water, sitting next to her door so that he might catch glimpses of her when she did open it. 

The Night of

Loki immediately took the elevator to her room and began beating on the door. “Iloa, please, open the door,” he begged, banging on the door with his fists until they bled. He begged and pleaded over and over, until his throat was raw and he could barely speak.

He slid down next to the door, “I am sorry,” he breathed, not sure if she was listening at all. He wept openly, the blood on his hands already starting to dry. He saw them with new eyes, and they no longer appeared to belong to him. 

“I should have listened. I should have earned answers. You tried to tell me all of this before, didn't you?” He chuckled at himself, but there was no joy in the sound. Wiping his nose on his sleeve, he sniffled, “I was afraid. I know I still am. I didn't want to lose you.” Foolish and vulnerable, his brain spat mercilessly. He didn't even bother listening this time, pressing forward with his confession, “You see, I couldn't see your seiðr. I was blinded by my fear and stubbornness, I know that now.”

Silence answered him, still he continued, “I know this is too little too late. I know that I ruined everything. Apparently, it's what I do best. Pushing people away.” He shook his head clearing his throat, the air from his lungs feeling trapped there, “But I do care for you, everything I have said before remains true. I just hope that eventually you can forgive me,” he chuckled again, nervously. “You said you would be here for me when I was ready. So now I will do the same. I am here, Iloa. And I will remain here, until you are ready.”

Present

That was four days ago and there he had stayed, making good on his promise, even if it killed him. And as he sat there with no foreseeable end in site, his heart ached in his chest from her absence. He missed the smell of the ocean on her skin, the thick scent that he now knew as seiðr that wrapped around her, the electricity and warmth that radiated into him from her every touch. 

Natasha appeared at the corner of his vision. Apparently it was lunch time, she held a tray with two sandwiches and two apples. Instead of stepping in front of the door, as was her usual, she crouched next to him and presented the tray. “Ya need to eat,” she said.

He crossed his arms over his chest, which was just about all the energy he could muster, “I'm fine, thank you,” he replied, with a snark filled smirk, that didn't reach his eyes.

Natasha sighed loudly, the God looked awful. His eyes were sunken in, cheeks hollowing from lack of nutrition. His hair was messy and unkempt curtaining his face, he hadn't changed clothes and obviously wasn't sleeping well either, if the dark circles and bags under his eyes were any indication. Dried blood had cracked and formed angry patterns across his hands and down the sides of his neck.

“Yea, yea,” she argued, lowering herself to sit against the wall next to him. She placed the tray across her lap, picking up one of the sandwiches and an apple. She held them out to him, “You look like death warmed over, Loki. Now I don't really care much whether you sit here and waste away or not. But you know she will. Right now she feels guilty, you really want to add to that by putting your livelihood and health at risk. You know as well as I do, that she will blame herself if anything happens.”

He turned away from her, looking up at the door, his messy hair falling away from his face. “But I promised her.”

She dropped the sandwich and apple in his lap, causing the God to flinch and drop his arms. But Natasha was fed up with his self defeatist attitude, “Then don't die, you idiot.” He snapped his head back to her, “And go take a shower, get a good night's sleep. She doesn't want to see you like this.”

She expected some snappy snarling comeback from him, but he just stared at her in shocked silence. Then he picked up the items in his lap, carefully stood up using the wall for support, “Alright,” he said, shuffling carefully across the entry hall to the elevator.

He stopped before pushing the button, glancing back over his shoulder, “I will come back.”

She smiled in spite of herself. She didn't like the man, but she couldn't fault him on his conviction. He would be back, but maybe now he would take care of himself as well as waiting patiently to be forgiven.

“I know,” she assured him. And he pressed the button to call the lift, using the wall to support himself as he waited. 

She waited until the doors closed behind him. Then taking the now lighter tray, she stood and knocked on the door. “It's Nat, I.”

The sound of the lock being released, echoed in the silence of the hall. The door opened slowly to reveal the girl, who didn't look much better than Loki had. Her eyes were swollen and puffy from crying, with dark circles underneath from lack of sleep. Her hair a ratty halo around her face. Wearing a large dark gray t-shirt that hung to her knees, and exposed her shoulders. At least she wasn't malnourished, thanks to Natasha's efforts.

Iloa passed the breakfast tray to Natasha before grabbing the new one. “Thank you,” she said, her voice so small and broken, it tore at Natasha's heart.

“It's alright, I don't mind bringing you food,” she chided casually.

Iloa shook head slightly, her wild mane bouncing around her face, “Not for the food, Nat.” Her eyes were welling with unshed tears. She hiccuped trying to keep them at bay, “For Lo. . .” her throat caught on the man's name, she couldn't force it past her lips. “For him,” she edited weakly, looking at the floor.

“Yea well, he was really bringing down the décor,” she joked, pleased by the small yet brief upturn of lips from the other. “Got a serious question for you though?” she added.

Iloa looked back up at Natasha, she already knew what the question was. She nodded, “Yea, ok, but come in first. You know he will be back soon,” her voice broke and cracked around the words, “And I don't want him to see me like this.”

Natasha slid in through the open door, closing and locking it behind her for the other’s peace of mind. Iloa was already sitting on the edge of her bed, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping the thick white down comforter around her shoulders. She looked down right pitiful, as Natasha settled herself next to the poor girl, depositing the empty tray on the bedside table beneath the newest one.

“Eat first,” Nat said gesturing at the tray. Iloa groaned in feigned annoyance, but proceeded to pick up the sandwich without objection. 

Natasha waited patiently for her to finish.

“I already know what your question is,” Iloa admitted, keeping her eyes downcast when she had finished. She wrapped her arms around her knees, pulling the comforter more securely around herself. She wasn't cold, she had never really felt temperature. Her body seemed to produce its own heat when it was cold and vice versa. The blanket was a comfort item and a way to shield herself from the others eyes. “I don't really know how to answer it though, without telling you what I am. All I can really tell you about that is what Thor told me.”

Natasha nodded, “Then lets start there.”

Iloa shook her head and chuckled nervously, “Nah, I will have to start before then.” She glanced up, and watched Nat's brow furrow in confusion.

Iloa cast her eyes away again, and inhaled deeply, “I was born on Earth in 1902,” she answered, and caught the increasing furrow in the others brow. “My mother apparently died in the hospital, after,” she sighed heavily, squeezing her legs for comfort, “I never knew her and the people that raised me, my Mom and Dad adopted me three days later. Here in New York.”

She squirmed awkwardly, she had never shared her story with anyone and somehow this felt wrong. Like she was sharing this with the wrong person but when she looked up at Natasha, understanding flashed in the others eyes, “Want me to see if he is back outside yet?”

Iloa genuinely smiled for the first time in days, “Are you sure you aren't a mind reader?”

Natasha chuckled, “I am not, but I pay attention.”

Iloa nodded, “Do you mind?” she asked hesitantly.

Natasha shook her head, “Not as long as I get to hear it too.” Iloa nodded her head and the other asked, “Do you have any special requirements to him listening?”

Iloa bit her bottom lip thinking it over, but Natasha cut in, “I think I got it,” she winked. Then added, “Might want to brush out your hair at least, just a thought.”

Iloa shook her head, “There you go, reading my mind again.”

Natasha grinned, heading for the door. She opened the door and glanced behind it and of course Loki was there. Sitting atop a large pillow, a blanket folded neatly beside him, his arms and ankles crossed. He had showered, his hair still damp and curling, wearing a clean black button down and slacks. His face appeared less hollow, and Natasha hoped that meant he had actually eaten what she had provided.

She closed the door behind her and standing over the God with her hands on her hips, “She wants you to hear her story.” He quickly moved to stand, dropping his hands to the floor and drawing his knees up, but Natasha stopped him with a raised hand. “There are conditions, Loki.”

Loki paused, looking up at the woman. He tensed but nodded his head in agreement, “Alright.”

“First,” Nat said holding up a finger, “You say nothing. This is not about her forgiving you or not, she needs to tell someone this story and she wants it to be you and me. No interruptions, no sarcastic comments, not even words of encouragement,” she sighed, rubbing her other hand down her face, “It would be hard enough on her without your presence. So don't be a dick. Nod if you accept,” she tilted her head at him and he nodded. “Good, next you will sit on the floor in front of the door. You will not come closer and you will not touch her, period. Nod?” Loki again, obeyed without hesitation. 

“You are getting better at this whole listening to others thing,” Nat huffed. “Just don't make this about you, don't be an asshole, don't touch her and you get to stay until she says otherwise.”

He nodded, “Might I stand up now?”

Natasha chuckled, shaking her head, “Yea, yea, you can get up now.” He stood hesitantly, as though he wasn't certain she would actually allow the action. Once he was upright, she turned back to the door and slowly opened it, allowing Loki to step into the room before her. Natasha watched the man, sure he would make a mad dash across the room at seeing Iloa in her current condition. 

Loki stood stock still, staring across the room, but he made no attempts to move. His eyes radiating a soul deep anguish, he flicked them to Natasha and cleared his throat softly. He leaned in close to Natasha's ear, “Do you think leaving the door open would be a good idea? So that I might leave quickly should the need arise?” he breathed against her ear, barely loud enough for her to hear. 

She gave Loki a small sad smile, he was no longer looking at her but back to the other. He was thinking about Iloa first. At least he was trying. She placed her hands on his shoulders, pushing lightly to direct him next to the door frame. When she had him positioned just right, she pushed down and he followed her lead sitting on the floor, with his knees pulled to his chest. He was almost the mirror image of Iloa, except he didn't hug his legs, instead placing his hands on top of his knees. Natasha, pushed the door until it came into contact with the tip of Loki's shoe. 

Iloa said nothing the whole time this exchange was happening, simply watching out of the corner of her eye. She had taken Nat's advice and brushed out her mane, but she had wrapped herself back up in the comforter. When Natasha had sat down by her again, she quickly went back over her birth before continuing. 

“My parents were very wealthy, They had invested wisely in long standing stores and the Ford Motor Company. My childhood was normal, except for my appearance. I was always taller than the other children. Faster and stronger, too. I hit five foot at ten, that's when I stopped growing, that was the year the Titanic sank. I remember it like it was yesterday. 

“In that time, I was expected to be a lady, act a certain way. I rebelled constantly,” she chuckled, “Guess I never stopped. I used to steal my father's trousers, which swallowed me, but I hated the dresses I was forced to wear.” 

A single tear rolled down her cheek and she had to take a deep breath before continuing. “My father didn't make it to my eighteenth birthday, he was in an automobile accident. Some time after his passing, I had begun to notice that I had stopped aging around my twenty-second birthday. My mother had started to notice this as well, but I lost her to cancer just before the Great Depression.”

She took another deep breath as her voice started to crack around this part of her story. “I am sort of glad she didn't have to go through that scare. The fear she already had from my differences and then the fear of losing all stability. I don't think she would have been able to manage it and her sickness. Luckily, they hadn't invested in the stock market and I had received an anonymous tip to pull all of my money just before the crash. To this day I am still not sure who that mysterious savior was.

“After the crash scare, I realized that I couldn't stay in New York anymore. My lack of aging was becoming much more apparent to those around me. So I started traveling. I changed my identity when I needed to, but I got to see this world and all of its wonders. 

“During my travels, I discovered my voice. It just happened one day when I was in Paris. I was walking home through the Latin Quarter, when a man attempted to mug me. I yelped when he grabbed me and he went down. He didn't stay down though and I was so stunned by his reaction that I was still standing there like an idiot when he got back up. He grabbed my bag and I screamed, that time when he went down he stayed there. I had killed him with my voice. Slowly, I just figured it out. It was like my magic spoke to me, guiding me and helping me train.”

Finally she answered Natasha’s unasked question. “It was me. I lose control of my ability when I get angry or frustrated. The same thing can happen when I get scared or sad. I can’t reign myself in. I try to calm down, but if I have an agitator,” she gave a pointed look to Loki, he had the decency to bow his head, “I can’t cool my thoughts. I just end up exploding. The damage could have been much worse.” She sighed heavily, her shoulders tensing as she curled in on herself even more. “I didn’t mean to do any damage. I am so sorry, I am just glad I didn’t hurt anyone.”

She looked up at Loki then, his fists were clenched, knuckles turning white. Tears fell silently down his cheeks as he listened in rapt silence. She locked eyes with him, as she finished her story. “Your brother found me, after I ended up back here two years ago. He knew what I was and tried to explain it to me. He told me I was an Asgardian, that what I thought of as magic, he knew as seiðr. Then he tried to explain to me some prophecy that his father, your father had told him. Something about a Disir being born on Midgard that was destined to partner with and protect a foreign born Asgardian prince. I don't really understand it, but anyway, that's it. You both know just about everything now.”

Iloa looked back at Natasha and though her eyes were watery, she hadn't let any tears fall. “Please don't cry. I don't want pity from either of you.”

He knew he shouldn't, he knew he would be asked to leave. But the words poured from his heart and he couldn't stop them, “It's not pity, it's love.” He dropped his head into his hands. He waited to be told to get out, his heart aching at knowing he had overstepped the boundaries that had been set for him. 

[dragonprisgifts]

Ways of dealing with depression.

During this time of year a lot of people suffer from depression in some way. Matter of fact, I have had several people come to me wanting to knows ways to help treat and deal with depression. I am not a psychiatrist, but I have almost 40 years of dealing with depression. I was diagnosed with ptsd at the early age of 5. I have spent many years learning everything I can to help deal with the depression and other symptoms of this illness. I don't suffer depression any more the way that I use to. I would love to say that I don't suffer with depression any more. I can say that most days I am no longer depressed. I would like to share with you some of the many ways that I deal with it so that others can get some relief. Most days I am no longer a sufferer of this horrible illness and I hope that this post can help others live their lives with little to no depression. I do recommend some form of exercise. This can be anything that gets you up and moving. I am not one to stick to an exercise routine. So I got myself some chickens. They need care daily and weekly they need to have their coup cleaned. This has helped with my depression and has me in better physical shape than I have ever been. I love spending time with my chickens and now I have included ducks in my flock of birds. House work can be a form of exercise too. I know most people don't want to do housework to get the exercise they need to beat depression, but a clean home can go a long way to lifting ones mood. The thing to remember about physical activity is that if you don't enjoy it or want to do it you won't. So pick something you will not only want to do, but also enjoy doing. This way you will get the great benefits of the exercise of your choice.

The next thing I recommend is meditation. This doesn't have to be any length of time. I do 30 second meditations through out my day by just focusing on my breathing. You don't have to spend a lot of time meditating and it is really easier than you think. One way i tell people to meditate, is by looking into the flame of a candle. All you have to do is focus on the flame and watch it dance around. There are many sources that can help with meditation. Youtube has many guided meditation videos if you wish for more in depth meditations.

If you are one of those people who seem to only see things in a negative way, then get a friend, family member or a lover to help you. This is something I myself suffered from most of my life and contributed to my own depression. Not to mention it left me friendless. After all, who wants to be friends with someone who is always so negative about everything. I had the help of Hope Place in 2010. A wonderful lady there set me down and was very real with me. She saw that I had so much potential to have a very happy life; but felt that my negative outlook would be the one thing that would be the thing that would keep me from ever having that happy life. She helped me by pointing out every time I said anything negative and would encourage me to say at least one positive thing about the subject I was currently talking so negatively about. By the time it was time for me to leave Hope Place, I was no where as negative as I had been. It wasn't perfect, but it was at the point where I could catch my own self being negative and stop myself. It did take me a couple of years before I could say I was no longer focusing on only the negative. By changing my focus on what I talked about, I realized that my own negative thoughts had changed too. This has helped me fight my depression in a very big way. Don't forget that there are anti-depressants out there that can also help. For that you will have to go to see a psychiatrist. There is no shame in getting the help that you need. We all need help from time to time. There are herbs that are known to help out also. Here is a list of a few of them. I recommend you talk to your doctor first before using these as a means of treatment. Arctic Root- Boosts overall physical and mental vitality. Increases resilience to physical and mental (emotional) Stresses. Impacts the mood. Great for fast results. Ashwagandha- It's similar to Arctic Root. Reduces levels of the stress hormone Cortisol. Great for depression that is combined with stress, anxiety and insomnia. Curcumin- is the main active ingredient in tumeric. Renown for it's anti-inflamitory and brain boosting properties. As effective as Prozac. Treats obsessive compulsive disorders and major depression. Can be took for an indefinite amount of time. If you have any urinary troubles please consult your doctor before consuming. Ginkgo- Is a lot like Arctic Root and Ashwagandha. Can improve memory. Increase blood flow to the brain. Lowers Cortisol levels. Saffron- Rare and known for fraud due to how expensive it is. As effective as Prozac. Reduces hunger and the urge to snack. Great for anxiety, stress, OCD, and PMS. If pregnant, do not take in high doses, and talk to your doctor first. Arsenicum album- when depression is accompanied by anxiety and gastric destress. Aurum Metallicum- for depressed workaholics dealing with a personal or business setback. Ignatia Amara- for depression that follows grief, loss or shock. Natrium Muriaticum- for sensitive people who bottle up their anger or grief. Pulsatilla Nigricans- when depression is due to hormonal changes or emotional neediness. Sepia- for postnatal or menopausal women who have lost their zest for life. I hope this helps anyone who is in need, to help them fight the battle of depression. With these tips I hope to give you a fighting chance to beat this illness that has crippling effects for those who's are suffering from it. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Stay safe and healthy and as always, Blessed Be! Read the full article

[bisexualsloths]

In honor of world mental health day I just wanna encourage people that you can always come out of a bad place. I had a lot of struggles and really hard times but with a lot of work and self care I got better. It took therapy, medication (that I still take to this day), and a lot of dedication and was honestly really fucking hard but I’m 20 now and mostly just dealing with normal levels of stress and anxiety that come with life. But this was what I dealt with:

•1-3 times a day panic attacks that would sometimes last for hours, totally crippling me. I vividly remember just laying on the floor hysterically crying because I was in so much pain. I felt trapped in my own body for literal hours on end

•OCD that took over my mind and my life with rountines and thoughts that would lead me into panic

•depression that kept me in my bed to the point where I didn’t see daylight or a shower for 2 weeks or more, making me feel tired and alone and so sad that I’m not even sure how to describe it

•horrible insomnia that kept me staring at the ceiling for 5-7 hours a night, sometimes causing me to fall asleep in class the next day

•anxiety that made me be in a constant state of panic and stress to the point my stomach was constantly in knots and I never felt at ease or calm in any way

•severe emotional eating because of all of these things that alongside my PCOS caused a lot of weight gain and and disordered eating

All of these things started when I was in sixth grade. It took until I was about 19 to overcome these things mostly. I still have anxiety (although SO much better) and occasional depression, and my insomnia is still always a work in progress (but overall also much better, and I still have struggles with food and my eating, but I haven’t had a panic attack in probably 1.5 years now. I haven’t gone without showering for two weeks or more since high school and my OCD finally doesn’t rule my life. I don’t emotionally eat nearly as much as I used to and with everyday I work towards bettering my body image (which is my biggest challenge). Yes, I still am effected by all of these things, but I conquered them. It took YEARS, about 9 years to be exact, but it happened. It was a constant up and down of better to worse but eventually I got there. Sometimes it really felt like I was trying for nothing because things seemed to get worse, but one day it got better. Don’t stop trying to get better. It is so worth it. 💚💚💚

[eternallyanxiousandstressed]

"You're too young to have back pains!"

Really? My middle school and high school didn't have lockers. Up until 9th grade I had to carry all of my textbooks around in my backpack. I had 4 or 5 textbooks in my backpack in 9th grade. My backpack felt as heavy as a 4 year old child. (I do online school now so that's a lot better.)

"You're too young to be tired!"

Being tired is literally something I cannot control. My body is tired because it is tired. It is tired because I have to stay up until 12 doing homework and then wake up at 5:30 to have enough time to catch the bus. It's tired because I have depression and that makes me exhausted more often than not. I'm tired because I have insomnia and can't sleep. I'm tired because I have anxiety and can't calm my brain down enough to sleep. It's not because I "can't put my phone down".

"You're too young to have migranes!"

I cannot control this. Do you think I would want them if I could? No. No I wouldn't. They are painful and they are crippling. They prevent me from doing what I need to do.

"You're too young to-"

No. No I am not too young. I am a human being with problems just like any adult. A child can have chronic pains. A child can have problems sleeping. A child can have the same problems an adult has. I

Stop saying that we're "too young" to have problems.

[silly-satan]

My Seroquel Dream

Yesterday I went to the doctor for the first time in forever. I had to find a new doctors office since I’m twenty-two and cant make an appointment with my pediatrician. My doctor diagnosed me with mild bipolar. Which like fine whatever. I always knew there was something wrong up in my mind, I just never knew what exactly. I told her I have bad depression episodes, crippling anxiety, and insomnia like a motherfucker. So along with the Lexapro in the morning she prescribed me Seroquel for my sleep and mood. I knocked out after taking it but I had a dream that I was pregnant again and in labor. Then the nurse did an ultrasound and saw that I had twins instead of the one baby. I started freaking out and screaming “How could you not have told me, I can barely take care of the kid I have let alone two more, what am I going to do. I’m bipolar, my mental health is shit right now”  Then grabbed some surgical equipment and started trying to cut out the unborn twin babies. That’s when my mom opened up my bedroom door, I woke up as soon as I heard the door move. That shit was intense. However, that was the best night sleep I had in a while

-Lem 7/2/19 5:18pm

[heroes-hq-blog1]

SPECTRE IS OFFICIALLY READY TO JOIN THE ACADEMY!

› AHN SUNGJIN › 18 YEARS OLD › PSIONIC ENERGY MANIPULATION › NEW TO THE ACADEMY

POWER

psionic energy manipulation — sungjin is gifted with the ability to create, shape, and manipulate psionic energy produced by the mind. the boy being able to wield it even in its most physical forms. sungjin’s powers manifest in a glowing red mist.

STRENGTHS psi-energy influence  —  by channelling and manipulating psi energy in any shape or form, he is able to gain influence and control over its physical form. some basic uses of it are psionic energy attacks in the form of blasts, beams, bolts, and the like. also, not to forget his favorite application, psychokinetic influence where he is able to shape psionic energy around matter and control its movement. this is where sungjin is most trained and experienced in. psi-energy flyrogenesis  — a defensive ability wherein he can generate a shield of psionic energy to protect him and others from external, physical harm. psi-reading  — everyone has their own unique psionic energy in them and sungjin found that he is able to feel them – sometimes it’s a smell, sometimes it’s a color. they’re so individual, he, himself, can’t describe how they feel for certain, he just knows they’re there. when he knows the person very well and has been with them for long, he’ll be able to figure out who they are just by the feeling of their psionic energy. with the help of his brother he was able to develop this and is able to read someone’s current thoughts by letting his hand/s hover around 5 inches away or closer from its subject and draw out their psionic energy. psychic shield  — due to the boy’s subconscious desires to be guarded and closed off from most, if not all people, his psionic energy was able to cocoon his mental self and become resistant to mental intrusion. psi-phoning (LOCKED)  — the boy is able to draw out psionic energy from his subject (as long as it is capable of thinking) and use it for his own. psi-crippling (LOCKED)  — by manipulating his subject’s psyche sungjin is able to elicit fear or emotional pain in form of nightmarish like hallucinations that could stun or cripple an enemy. these hallucinations appear as the subjects fears, regrets, or general disturbances, however the nature of it is not up to the boy. just like the subject sungjin can see and feel what they feel which can render him stunned and disturbed as well.

WEAKNESSES

sungjin’s powers greatly depends on his mental strength and mental state as well. if he pushes himself over the edge it could cause him physical and mental backlash (e.g. being knock back in result of impact, nose bleeds, headaches, and fainting). if the boy mental state isn’t in good condition he could easily lose control over it and not just harm himself but those around him as well.

the gifted boy’s hands play a huge role in directing the flow of psionic energy. if his hands were bounded or restrained in a way that prohibits him from moving them at all, renders the boy useless and unable to use his powers.

there are no distinguishable limits for time, weight, and intensity as it purely depends on how the variables act upon one another.  sungjin can hold a full glass of water with ease for a long period of time as long as he focuses, however trying to lifting a car for a mere few seconds can definitely make him crack from strain.

sungjin can direct psionic energy as long as it is in his clear line of sight. sungjin needs to focus and know where he plans on directing his powers. his offensive attacks however are more potent the closer the opponent is. around the 500 ft mark, his attacks could still pack quite a punch but more than that it would noticeably be weaker. the farther the attack travels the lower the damage.

psionic energy barriers can only take as much damage as sungjin’s mental strength can bear. pushing himself over the these limits can give him specific backlash and render him unconscious.

smaller barriers can take considerable more damage than larger barriers.

currently he can only psi-read a subject by letting his hands hover over their head at a maximum distance of 5 inches or closer. any farther than that and their current thoughts will be unaudible.

the boy cannot read more than one subject at a time. even if he tried it would be useless as thoughts overlap and are even more difficult to understand as it is.

sungjin’s not completely immune to intrusion of the mind, the intruder will just need to exert more effort than normal for them to reach into the boy.

siphoning psionic energy from another subject can be quite dangerous as sungjin can take every last bit of psionic energy from them and leave none left for them rendering them in an unconscious state or worse in a coma. also another thing to note is how sungjin can only hold on to a different source psychic energy for a few seconds. doing so over the limit can result in an explosive blacklash of psionic energy.

when psi-crippling, sungjin has no control of what the subject sees. he can only trigger them but the nature of these hallucinations are decided by the subject (their fears, regrets, general disturbances etc.)

though he can choose whether or not to see what the subject sees. he cannot avoid to feel what they feel. great mental strength is needed as he can easily fall into shock if he isn’t strong enough.

ORIGINS

trigger warning for suicide, death, torture, and child abuse.

tw: abuse, hints of bullying, kidnap, assault, suicide

on the first page of a black, well-loved journal:

“to minnie”

“if found, please immediately return to ahn sungjin”

(the boy often writes on his journal and below are some of the important excerpts that serve as a window into the boy’s life)

mirror;

remember the monsters you were scared of minnie? the monsters you swore that lived inside our closet?

well, my eyes caught a glimpse of its very own reflection, today.

a monster who was coloured in hues of blues and purples, a monster who screeched in a deafening cry for help yet no sound was heard, a monster who was starting to fall apart in its seams beyond tired to try and put itself back together.

i wish you were here minnie. who’s going to stop the punches dad throws? who’s going to tend to the cuts and bruises? who was going to put hyung back together now?

i’m scared minnie.

i’m scared because the more i look in the mirror, the more i tell myself, the more i ask myself –

i’m not me, who are you?

hellevator;

have you been able to see mom minnie? is she proud of me, just as much as you were?

i guess not, especially if she saw you. knowing what i’ve done.

i wish i could be with you guys instead, it would probably be much better there with both of you than here. at least there, maybe i’d be met with laughter, hugs, and kisses – here it’s all just been curses, punches, and aches.

i don’t blame dad though, i deserve it. i deserve it all, all the stabbing words, all the fists thrown, all the pain that fills me up.

now that you’re not here.

there’s nothing for me, nobody really cares about me.

maze of memories;

i dreamt of you again, no, not a dream, it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare – a nightmare of that night.

it was so vivid, as if i was there, reliving it again.

the tight rope wrapped on chairs that bounded our hands. the darkness that was brought by the blindfolds around our heads. the writhing pain all over our bodies as they beat us to a pulp.

but you know what felt the most real? when i felt you take a huge blow to the head then nothing, emptiness. i couldn’t feel you anymore, i couldn’t hear you anymore in my head.

i wake up after seeing bright red and i just hug myself, crying.

what kind of brother am i? why couldn’t i protect you?  how could i do this to you?

The inside of my mind burns and fills up with question marks that blame me.

m.i.a;

i miss you minnie. i miss you so much.

dad misses you too.

he thinks of you fondly, loudly even. he tells me you were smart, you were good-looking, you were his true heir – you were just great in everything you did minnie. he tells me that he loved you so much, tells me that you were his favorite, tells me that it should’ve been me on the hospital bed instead.

i couldn’t agree more minnie, i’m sorry for what happened, i should’ve protected you. it was my fault, it should’ve been the bad seed, it should have been the disappointment, it should’ve been me instead.

ah i’m crying again, but really when have i not?

i miss the little squeak in your voice when you get excited, i miss your hugs that keep me warm when i couldn’t sleep, i miss you telling me:

“take it easy and try not to think of the useless stuff.”

insomnia;

i can’t seem to fall asleep, no matter how hard i try. this will be one of those nights where i sneak into your bed minnie. you’d open your arms immediately to hold me, without hesitation and any hint of anger for waking you up, then you’d sing me to sleep. those nights were just the best nights of sleep i ever could have.

funny how i’m 7 minutes older yet i am the baby between us haha should i start calling you hyung, minnie?

i’m trying to sing that song now as i hug myself to sleep tonight but it’s not the same.

when the dark night makes everyone sleep, when they fall asleep i can’t sleep because of so many thoughts.

voices;

minnie i’m starting to believe them.

what have i done?

i should just end it all, give in, just as they say i should.

i’m starting to believe that i really did that to you. that i’m a bad twin, that i’m a murderer, that i’m a monster. i’m starting to believe everyone around me. there’s so many voices, i promise i’ve been trying to shut them out. tonight, however, it’s not working.

i can’t hear your voice anymore minnie, your voice that tells me to ignore the others inside my head. these voices, they’re just so many…

at some point, i only started to hear these nagging sounds.

my side;

it’s been a few years since that night, it’s been a few years since you’ve left me alone.

i hope you can feel me right now, my hand holding yours tight. i feel you minnie, i feel you there. i just wish i knew what to do so i can wake you up from this deep, deep slumber.

you know a strange person came up to me the other day. told me there’s a place for people like me. told me i could hone my powers there. i’ve been thinking about it nonstop. maybe there i can find a way to wake you up. maybe there i can find a way for you to come back.

a part of me wants to go, but a part of me wants to stay here holding your hand.

no matter what my decision may be, please bare this in mind minnie,

even if i’m not there, i’ll stay by your side

4419;

minnie, i’m at the back of the bus we always ride to get home. we had so much memories on this bus, didn’t we? can you believe that after all this time, our names that we wrote with that cheap marker is still here crystal clear?

oh, you’re probably wondering where i’m off to huh?

remember that place? the place for people like me? i’m on my way there now to get settled. i just hope everyone’s nice. you’ve always been the better one when it comes to people.

i’ve never seen dad so happy minnie, that was a first ever since… ugh i shouldn’t be thinking about that…

anyway, dad was so happy minnie ‘cause finally he got rid of me. about time, he said. don’t worry minnie, i’m not sad. just like you said “take it easy and try not to think of the useless stuff”.

so i am. i will be better, i promise to do my best for you minnie. i promise with my whole heart, i will find a way to get you back.

someday, again at the same place, i dream we will meet again.