#it will be a month officially on sunday .... honestly it feels like no time has passed since then LMAO

[pinkpluswhite]

someone in a yt comment section being like "oh what do YOU know abt the companys bad years if youve only been a fan for a few weeks" brother you have no idea how much wwe content i have consumed in less than a month

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

My take on stalker!Tim:

Robin!Jason gets distracted during a patrol and doesn’t meet up with Batman, who panics is mildly concerned. Jason doesn’t want to reveal the real reason he got distracted (could be something he was working on for Bruce or just him being a cute baby nerd) so he makes something up the spot. A kid! He saw a kid. It was definitely child shaped. And. Uh. Photography! That’s right, he saw a kid taking photos and made sure he got home safe.

Batman: Photography?

Robin!Jason: Yeah, uh, nighttime photography.

Batman: At midnight?

Robin: I mean, it’s not a school night.

Batman: What were they taking pictures of?

Robin, panicking and going to the first thing he can think of ch just so happens to be last Sunday when Dick called Bruce an emotionally repressed furry: Uh, wildlife?

Bruce is skeptical but honestly he’s seen weirder things even tonight so as long as the kid got home safe…

Jason proceeds to use this same excuse a few more times.

Batman: Don’t tell me, it was the kid again.

Robin!Jason: You just missed him.

Batman, who isn’t feeling strong parental feelings at all: Hrn.

Okay so then fast forward a few years. Jason is on his little murder training gap year and Tim has shown up to the manor trying to fix the disaster that is currently Bruce Batman Wayne. Dick, trying to bond with the kid now that it’s apparent he’s not going anywhere, asks what Tim’s interests are.

Tim: Well, I like photography, and…

Dick, putting two and two together and getting forty-seven: Ohmygosh you’re the kid.

Tim: The what now?

Dick: The kid with the wildlife photography.

Tim, thinking about that one competition he entered a year ago: Uh, I guess?

Dick thinks that’s how Tim figured out all their identities. He thinks he has it all figured out. He does not. Bruce now thinks he has it figured out too. He does not. Tim is unaware there was something to be figured out. Jason is off learning the finer points of poisoning or something idk.

So skip forward some more and Jason is back, minus some murder attempts or whatever because this is crack, and Dick is now trying to get his two brothers comfortable with each other. It is not working. Finally, Dick remembers they’ve definitely met before.

Dick: So, do you remember meeting Tim before?

Jason, whose memory resembles Swiss cheese but is fairly certain he never met Tim before now: Uh…

Dick: He’s the kid! The one with the wildlife photography!

Jason, suddenly remembering the excuse he used several times as Robin: The what now?

Tim, knowing full well that Jason was very dead at the time he submitted anything in a wildlife category: The what now?

Jason pulls Tim into a hall closet to interrogate him about this.

Tim: There’s like five rooms right here that no one has stepped in in a month. Why are we in a closet?

Jason: What, exactly, did Dick mean by you were the one with the wildlife photography, because I’m pretty sure that was just an excuse I made up but now I don’t know.

They figure it out. They also agree to just let that belief be. Jason doesn’t want to admit he made that all up. Tim doesn’t want to admit he thought Dick had gone to his art competition thing before they even officially met. Tim also doesn’t want to explain how he actually figured out their identities because this sounds way cooler. So they decide to just roll with it.

Damian shows up and tries to hunt down Tim’s early photos of Batman. Tim and Jason get really into making it look like he just keeps missing it. Barbara knew about all of this the entire time but no one asked her so she didn’t bother to fill them in.

Everyone else that joins the family after that point and hears the story of Jason and Tim supposedly meeting while Jason was Robin has the exact same response: “Oh, ‘cause Batman’s a furry. Right.”

[dogcircle-scans]

I'm really curious to know if you have officially dropped the manga. If so (and even if not obvs), I'd just like to thank you for so many amazing years of awesome translations. This manga may not be very popular in the west but I'm glad you kept bringing it for so many of us

Hey, sorry for just now seeing this even though this question was sent back in late November.

No, we haven't officially dropped the manga, and Idk if any group has picked up the series while I was gone. Emphasis on the "I" because our absence was not a consenting choice made by anyone else in this group. So if anyone harbors any kind of resentment, then do not direct it towards anyone but me. If we ever decide to officially drop the series, I'll make an official announcement on this blog. To be honest, I wasn't really gonna make much hubbub about a comeback and just post a chapter as if no time had passed. But, because I got this question and you were very nice about it. I'll give some insight.

- 🦙

The only reason I'm an active part of this fandom (any fandom now really) despite it being against my lurker nature and excessive anxiety issues is because I was encouraged to do so by a friend. If you know me from Discord, then you probably know that aside from running this blog, I'm leader of the scan group and owner of its server, I'm even an admin for the Natsume fan server which is its own separate thing.

I don't know if that sounds already sounds overwhelming, but just to scare you, I also proofread the scripts so the dialogue sounds natural and act as quality checker for each chapter. This means cleaning/redrawing sections of pages if the CLDR forgot or didn't meet the standard of quality I'm looking for. Similar with typesetting, I'll rearrange the text if I feel it could be done better. I'm also the main SFX person. When it comes to the scan server, outside of running and maintaining it, I also act as mod to make sure people aren't posting anything inappropriate or inoffensive + setting up bots and permissions.

When I was in High School and even during my early years of college, I could manage it cause I had the support and energy for it. Plus, my love for Natsume was scary intense. So when life got hard, I found that working on scans acted as a lifeline.

Then I had a messy fallout with the friend who prompted all of this, and things shifted. It didn't help that things in my personal life got really bad and more or less stayed that way for 2/3 years. And because of the association, and the guilt of falling behind, working on Natsume was no longer a stress-relieving activity. It became the source of my stress. I ran away because I was scared and overwhelmed. It wasn't healthy and it only made things worse, honestly.

But, I've been really hard on myself over this past year, and I finally reached the point of wanting to come back, but the guilt from being a deadbeat was still eating me alive. Then I got really sick at the start of this month, and I'm no lie, I'm still sick... but that gave me a lot of time to think and reevaluate all kinds of things. Because honestly? I miss working on scans and the collaborative aspect that I fell in love with because of Natsume.

And literally just this past Saturday/Sunday night, I sent a message to the group, apologizing for what I did and provided a similar explanation of why I did what I did. I trying it as just an explanation and not an excuse - I hope I was able to do that here too.

I told my group to give me several days before I actually start working on scans again, though, because it'll allow me to catch up with everything and figure out what needs to be done next, and it'll also give me more time to recover.

Thank you once again for being kind and understanding! I really appreciate it 🥹💚

[monstrsball]

in honor of iwa day, i have written up all of my headcanons for his lesbian moms that i came up with months ago. it's what he would want. <3

okay, to make it easier for me and you, i went ahead and gave them names! sachiko & mayumi. now, let's get into it.

they were friends for a long time before they got together, they didn't get together until after iwa was born. i'm thinking he was around three or four when they officially started dating? (i suppose i'll take this moment to say sachiko is technically his biological mom but the distinction doesn't matter to any of them, iwa honestly gets pretty annoyed when people ask) young enough that he has always known both of them as his moms!! [his father isn't in the picture]

sachiko works in an office & mayumi is a doctor.

personality-wise, i think iwa and mayumi are more alike. she can be fairly blunt at times and has her own stubborn streak. she's the one who introduced him to godzilla too! however, iwa did get his sense of humor from sachiko! he's also like... the spitting image of her. same eyes, same smile, etc.

he loves both of his moms but because of their similarities, he probably butted heads with mayumi more when he was a teenager. nothing too bad though, they just got into silly arguments sometimes lol.

they're a fairly outdoorsy family! they go camping at least once (if not multiple times) every summer and they tend to do a lot of stuff! fishing, swimming, hiking, bug catching, etc. oikawa would go with them from time to time when they were kids.

sachiko and mayumi both play softball! they just play for a neighborhood association now but they were on a team together in high school. and mayumi played in college! she probably could have gone pro if she wanted to but she thought making a career out of it would kill her interest in the sport so she didn't.

they know a bit about other sports too! they had siblings and friends who played other ones but, funnily enough, volleyball was the one sport they didn't know a whole lot about. so they were thrown for a loop when that was the one iwaizumi got really into.

they learned quickly though! i'm picturing like. eight year olds iwa and oikawa sitting down and teaching iwa's moms all about volleyball. :')

sachiko is really into furniture restoration/refinishing! she's taught iwa a lot about it and he helps her with her projects from time to time. her projects are just for the family but she does daydream a lot about opening up her own little shop dedicated to it.

mayumi has a garden! i think she mainly grows fruits and veggies but she started a section for flowers too after sachiko mentioned wishing they had flowers. they end up with excess a lot so they're always giving fruits and veggies away to family and friends. the aoba johsai volleyball club always gets free fresh produce, living the dream.

in high school, iwa spends every sunday in-season helping her with the garden! only exceptions being when he's sick or has to be away for volleyball/school. he has plenty of time to hang out with his friends the rest of week so he likes devoting some time to hanging out with his mom. sometimes though his friends will come over and help too (it's sort of a rule if they want to hang out with iwa on a sunday, lol, bc he will rarely budge on it).

but honestly? his friends coming around probably has more to do with them also wanting to spend his time with his mom, lol. i think iwa's moms are really popular with his friends! they all think they're both really cool.

a majority of the seijoh four hangouts happen at wa's house, probably most of the seijoh hangouts in general tbh.

partially because iwa is an only child so his house is less rowdy but also because everyone just feels really comfortable there and his moms are more welcoming to a horde of teenagers than the other parents lol. (as long as they are told ahead of time)

they're pretty fond of iwa's friends! they think they're all pretty good kids and sachiko likes to send iwa to school with a treat for them on their birthdays. at first, it's just for oikawa, matsukawa, and hanamaki but by his third year it's expanded to include the whole team.

which sort of happened because his second year, iwaizumi offhandedly mentioned that it was yahaba's birthday too and she got really upset that he didn't tell her matsukawa shared a birthday with one of the first years on the team because she would have sent something for him too! (and she had only met yahaba like... twice at this point) she did send him with something a few days later. so his third year, she asked for an updated birthday list.

so, basically, the opinion held by all of iwa's friends is that iwa's moms are cool (but not in a trying too hard/acting too much like their friends way!!).

literally the only thing stopping matsukawa and hanamaki from making milf jokes is their utmost respect and admiration for them (and lesbians).

on that note, hanamaki and matsukawa both keep in touch with them after they graduate! and they hang out with them a lot even when iwa isn't there (especially when iwa is in california, they miss their son!!). their bonus moms tbh.

i think everyone on the team keeps in touch actually but matsukawa and hanamaki are the only ones who visit with them regularly.

they will send iwa messages informing him that they are stealing his mothers and iwa leaves them on read.

oikawa calls them "Mayumi-chan" and "Sachiko-chan" because he is incapable of referring to those older than him the way he probably should. iwa hates it but his moms don't mind it at all. in fact, i think sachiko is flattered by it.

his moms love oikawa, always have!! oikawa likes to tattle on iwa when iwa's being 'mean' because they always tell iwa to be nicer to him lmao. (they're aware iwa isn't really being mean, they just like teasing him)

for the longest time, oikawa's parents thought they were just really close friends and this was something iwa never really corrected because he was like.... a child. i'm picturing like oikawa's mom talking to him (age 10) and she says something like "oh, it's really nice of your mom's friend to help you guys :)" and he's like "??? uh, yeah."

she is mortified that she said that to him when she learns that they're actually a couple.

i made a post abt this but i'm just gonna put it here too. when they were kids, after oikawa met iwa's moms for the first time, he asked him later why he didn't have a dad and iwa said he got eaten by a shark.

this didn't really deter oikawa from asking further questions though because then he just had lots of questions about the shark that ate iwa's dad. and thus began a lifelong friendship.

HAPPY IWA DAY! HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! everyone should love iwa's moms. open to asks about them always.

[calumhoodgoss]

Girlie HIIII!!!!!!!

I’ve been well 💓 I’m glad you’re feeling better and back to posting!!

Tbf, I think I made the mullet call off a very grainy photo and it ended up being more bowl cut/lego cut BUT that man truly looks good with any haircut so I’m still frothing over it 🥵 the affinity has to be genetic 100%, like i found mullet Ash 1000000000 times more attractive than non-mullet Ash (he’s cute but he’s not my type, yk? but put a mullet on a man… then he becomes my type 👀). bitch I just love a good mullet.

Also YES!!!! to the dusty cut 🥵🥵🥵 (I follow footy, all of them 🤭 and I so get it, it does things to me too 👀)

ngl I also don’t really remember what was said politically, but I’ll leave it at this we’re wayyy more screwed if that bald dickhead gets elected next year (I hate him with a passion, if you can’t tell).

On to more thirst and fun things, buzz cut Luke smoking though 🥵🥵🥵 that video took me out, I had to actually lie down. I’m so excited for new music and new break up music. We been knew, like the Nashville trip made it obvious and it’s not like he didn’t talk about getting together with the guys to write and record but the TikTok weirdly makes it more official? Idk

Also I’m obsessed with Dirk and Blonde Dirk, like if you ever wanted to know my type… it’s that but with a mullet 🤭

Okay my Spotify Wrapped actually surprised me a lil. I had the 5sos not being my top artist last year. This year I had:

1. 5sos

2. Luke

3. Sabrina Carpenter (short n sweet was my personality for like a whole month, bed chem is such a bop)

4. Ashton

5. Ariana Grande???? This one was the big surprise for me, like I feel like I didn’t listen to her at all…

But unsurprisingly Wildflower was my top song (I listened to it 169 times in one day which I fear is very fitting ✌🏻)

xoxo ⚡️ lighter anon ⚡️💋

HAHA LEGO MAN HAIR IS SO REAL when my bf gets that haircut i call it 'man haircut'. like what did you even ask for?? just give me a man haircut??? its not even a bad haircut its just so plain like its not even basic like short back and sides, its just stock? like how the fuck did you get default hair bro what HAHA

yep a mullet makes any man 10000% more hot (even ashton who also isnt my vibe i feel youu)

holy fuck actually LUKE with a dusty would be elite. i think he might be the only one that could pull it off better than cal probably could 🫢🫣🫢🫣 id die. on the topic of luke though WHAT SMOKING VID?!?! the way im running to tiktok rn bitch i need to see that. unpopular opinion but smoking is so hot 🤫🤭 like yeah, totally disgusting, but also soo hot yummy delicious

the dirks hahahaha i love that for you, a fantasy manifest (even if only for a minute long video🥲)

wildflower 169 times in one day is god tier listening HAHA ICONIC I LOVE

i swear theres always at least one artist or song thats a total shock in every wrapped. some how i didnt get any full surprises this year? i had:

1) beabadoobee

2) radiohead (this one is my glimer of hope that if i ever met cal wed have something to talk about cause hes also super into radiohead but i bet he likes their way cooler experimental stuff that i dont have the palette to listen to 🥲)

3) billie holiday

4) the sundays (surprised they werent number 1 or 2 since 4 out of 5 of my top songs this year were sundays songs but ok spotify ??)

5) luke

i honestly think i listened to so much 5sos last year that now their discography feels ranthrough 😅. this was also the first year the strokes havent been in my top artists which was a bit of a surprise

love u girl 🫶🫶🫶🫶

EDIT: i can not find loke smoking vid I REPEAT I CAN NOT FIND IT lord help me

[agentlemansavage]

So. Let's talk about this year.

So quick summary the girl I was interested gave up on us. I could say alot about this but right now I'm just hoping she realizes she made a mistake and at the minimum continues our friendship.

My uncle is in the hospital. He likely doesn't have very long. This man basically raised me. He's the reason I ended up so different than the rest of my siblings. Seeing him like this kills me.

My friend with cancer isn't doing well, he actually got a second colostomy bag because the tumor had gotten so big that it basically messed up the first one. He's lost alot weight he isn't doing great and he also doesn't have very long.

Career: Back when the girl and I were still talking I filled out a bunch of apps in Florida and got a call back and they wanted me to start. The position was actually great and would have been a great next step in my career however with her and I not talking it would be strange to take the job. So I turned it down which sucks but I also don't want to end up looking like the crazy ex thing.

To top that off at my current job I'm also in deep water. Basically I hadn't slept in days and had a small mental break and didn't really call into work or anything and had a few days of no call no shows. So dealing with all of that fun repercussions but I have a few interviews so hopefully something happens soon.

Therapy. I have such a love hate relationship with therapy. I put alot of pressure on myself to take care of everyone and it's not healthy and it has caused me to not take care of myself. I have also come to realize I made my self worth so much about sex that i honestly believed that was the only thing anyone could ever end up wanting from me. It's where i have most of my self worth and it's weird to say and think about but to say it's caused problems in my life would be an understatement. So I'm trying to work through this.

I've been back to the gym almost everyday for 2 weeks now. It's helping me find some more stability as i get myself figured out and get back to a version of myself I can be proud of. I actually folded and out away all my laundry and have made Sunday my official cleaning day. I'm also considering going back to school although i may just work on some certifications to advance a few things. Oh and a few months ago i bought a Spanish app which I'm working through bit by bit too

Right now everything kinda just isn't great. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm finding it really hard and overall i just feel so defeated. Going to try and write some small updates once a month. Also going to try for the 100th time to do something with this blog and get it to a good state again.

That's about it. Sorry it's all word vomit I had to start somewhere.

[annieintheaair]

Nothing makes sense the more you think about it, and I know I wanna do something with my time, even if it's all for nothing.

I've been meaning to write for days and just haven't gotten around to it but sometimes, when I'm feeling all of the feelings, there's nothing else I can do but write.

I should be in bed but instead, I'm awake, it's 11pm, and I'm drinking wine on my couch. During a quick Facebook scroll, I saw on the JWU Alumni page that one of my favorite professors passed away on Friday. I froze when I saw it. It felt like the world stopped for a minute. Just recently, we had been messaging on LinkedIn. He has cheered me on since I graduated and always said he hoped that someday he'd be on one of my flights. I'm sad that it never happened and absolutely devastated that he died. I guess one of the hardest things about getting older is that more people you know die.

On the same day that my professor died, I paid off my student loans. I was already on track to have them paid off by June but we finally got our profit sharing and while I'm putting aside most of that right now, I decided to close out my college chapter officially and pay the last $1200 that was owed. It feels so good to be done with that huge burden but it's also ironic that it happened on the same day that my professor died.

The last two weeks since I wrote have felt like such a blur. I worked some, and last weekend spent Saturday at a brewery with Matt where they had a margarita festival. Sunday, I finally got around to putting together some shelves in my garage to get organized, and then, since Todd's birthday was on Saturday, I surprised him by taking him to a roller skating rink. He told me so many times how much he loved roller skating and we never went the whole time we dated. After roller skating, we checked out a distillery and then saw the movie Here with Tom Hanks. The movie was kind of disappointing. Afterwards, we went back to my house and watched a movie, and tried some of the new beers I found at Trader Joe's.

My flights on Monday night into Tuesday morning canceled so I spent the night at home and ended up taking a trip to Maryland to visit my younger sister early Tuesday morning. Non-revving is such a pain and 9 times out of 10 I end up on the jumpseat, but it was worth it to spend a few days with my sister and her family.

I got home on Thursday night and stayed in, being lazy with my dogs. Friday I went to yoga and by the time the class was over, I already had an alert that my flight that night had been canceled. In a way, I didn't really mind.

I worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights and initially wanted to pickup a trip on Tuesday or Wednesday but nothing came up on Tuesday so I decided to enjoy the day off. I went to yoga in the morning and then celebrated Taco Tuesday at MiCocina with my favorite brisket tacos and a skinny smash margarita. I stopped for a coffee on my way home and then had to buckle down for the afternoon with work and a meeting.

Last night, Matt and I went to our favorite bar for music bingo. It ended up being a lot of fun but I was so tired and ready to crash by the time I got home.

Today, I was up early to go to the doctor. I was sick last month, went to the doctor, and got meds, which helped for the most part, but I've had a lingering cough. The cough has since turned into a sore throat and ear pain. My doctor did a strep test and it's not strep but ran some other tests that I'm waiting to hear back on. She started me on more meds and if I don't get better, she said I'll have to come back for blood work because I might have mono. I honestly don't think I've even been tested for mono since college when that was standard practice every time you go to the doctor.

I ran some errands today to get craft supplies, my prescriptions, and $5 sushi at Sprouts. At checkout, they asked if I wanted to pay $10 to donate a bag of food and I say no literally all of the time for these things but something in me today said to say yes. I don't know why but I felt like being extra nice. They were so excited and rang the bell and it was like paying it forward.

I worked on sweatshirts all day for my church group and finished most of them except for the embroidery on some since I decided I wanted to personalize them with everyone's names. They were all so excited when I brought the finished ones to church tonight.

Anyway, I have a glass of wine to finish, I'm tired, and I feel like it's time to relax.

xoxo

Annie

[lost-spells]

LOST SPELLS UPDATE, PERSONAL UPDATE, AND SMALL ART DUMP

Lost spells as a game has been in the works for a few months now, and while not much has been done coding wise, I have been sharing the world building with the team and we've been ironing out gaps and contradictory things, plot holes. The like.

A million different things are going on at once and I'm grateful to my coder for helping me stay on track and keeping me from getting ahead of myself while dealing with her own bullshit. Honestly, I'm still literally pulling out my hair to the point of having bald spots, but with time and a clear direction, I'm hoping that will resolve. For my vacuum and scalps sake.

Art dump, links, and personal update below the break

I HAVE MY FIRST DIAGNOSIS!!!! I have officially been diagnosed with POTS, which is the source of the issues that have caused me to go to the hospital and wake up in the middle of the night, lose my job, and be bed ridden for a while as I worked on the game.

With the treatment I've been receiving I already feel a million times better! I'm already applying for new jobs and hoping to get back into making money on my own! Which is great because I've been flat broke since two of my teeth decided to break apart and I had to get them fixed

Unfortunately, I did lose my tablet pen last week while traveling. So sadly I won't be able to make art as fast until it arrives

ANYWAY here's the dump, testing out aseprite

As well as a sprite I made for streaming and profile pics- if the site allows gifs! I love it, it's really cute.

Here's the obligatory plug of my links:

DeviantArt

Ko-fi

Twitch- I go live on Wednesdays and Sundays at 10pm

The currently empty YT channel

Sometime in the future, there will be a discord server, patreon, kickstarter, and other social media links! But as I said, my second command has me focusing on one thing

[youaremorethanyouseem]

9/20/24

Man do I feel like I live three whole years in between entires! Well, a ton has changed since my last post so buckle up.

I am now a citizen of San Francisco, CA. I got a little studio apartment out here this month and it’s so bright and cozy and a block from the water. I also started ANOTHER new job. I wasn’t looking for one and then it just kind of fell in my lap once I decided to make my way to NorCal. Speaking of NorCal, my parents officially sold their Truckee house and moved to Sac full time today! Mom has been living in the ADU the past few months, but now dad is officially down there too. Soph and Zach got a puppy, Sunday, and it’s been a dream getting to see her and them often. Also helps that they all live two doors down from the love of my life, the new boyfriend I mentioned in my last entry.

Things will Bren are amazing. I honestly never imagined things could be so good. Amidst a season where everything is changing my faith and Brennan have been the two constants. I’m so lucky to have a pillar and lighthouse in Brennan. He’s so gentle, loving, kind, and all good things wrapped into one handsome as HECK man. He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.

We are actually going ring shopping tomorrow. Just going to drop that one in casually. We are going to Derco, which is the company my parents have been using in the city. Coincidentally on Brannan street, haha. We aren’t getting engaged asap but more so going so Brennan knows how much he needs to save up for when we are ready.

I’m so excited. Everything is so sweet. Hard, yes. Consistent eye twitch, yes. Anxiety and panic attacks, yes. But amidst it all I feel so lucky and grateful to be closer to family, living life with Brennan and my best friend and bug.

Can’t wait for what the future has in store.

[et-cant-phone-home-no-signal]

hi! i haven't been on here in a hot minute! lots has happened since i actually posted instead of reblogged so if anyone is interested in a bit of a ramble stick around, otherwise, here's a cool pic i took in no man's sky yesterday 🙌 getting back into my star wars rot so playing this and republic commando is gonna be my personality for the foreseeable future

anyway! if you're still here, awesome thanks i'm literally just gonna ramble a bit!! lots has happened in the past year for me and honestly, i'm so tired. graduated university with a 2:1 theatre degree (finished last june but grad was last october) and had to say goodbye to all my uni friends which sucked. i live in buckfuck nowhere so i don't often get to see people because trains are super expensive :((( i got really stuck job searching for months, there's not a lot going on in my area and i don't have a car (or a full licence) so it makes thinks more difficult when most jobs are out of your walking/public transport range and/or not something you're trained in.

eventually i got a job at my local cake shop as front of house staff, which was great while it lasted, but they owe us 2 months of wages and made most of front of house redundant,,,, and then they went into liquidation, so they owe me a lot of money which i have no clue if i'll ever see. it's honestly super draining mentally!! i had so many plans and budgets going and it all went straight down the drain so i'm back to step 1 again :////

currently i'm prepping for another london trip this sunday (i'm an associate artist for my friends theatre company which is cool!) to do photography for our queer cabaret evening. that at least is a stable gig as i'm the official photographer, but it doesn't pay well (doesn't come close to covering my train tickets), which is to be expected of small time theatre, but it's still frustrating when it's all you've really got and it happens every couple of months.

on a brighter note, my mum and i are going to london next weekend to see spirited away in the theatre!! super excited for that as it's my favourite ghibli movie (and my first! had it on dvd since I was 5) and we're making a weekend out of it. we'll get in on friday, check into our hotel and peruse a museum or two, then saturday we have the performance followed by a reservation in a sushi restaurant (bougie for us, but mum insisted we have a treat since we never go out), and then back home on sunday :)

so yeah it's been really stressful this past year, and i feel very stuck both mentally and physically. i still live with my mum, which is fine because i love her, but i really would love my own place so i can actually fully relax and be independent. my room is also tiny and we ended up having to get me a high sleeper so my desk could fit, and the novelty wore off quick because i'm a tall almost 23 year old having to cram myself up into this bed made for 6 year olds, and i hit my head regularly on the ceiling 😭 all in all i feel drained and stuck, and the hopes i had of moving to brighton to live by myself or with friends has basically flown into the sunset. now we might be talking about moving elsewhere entirely, but i won't go into that as nothing is certain and i'm tired of false hope and promises.

if you made it this far, wow i hope i didn't depress you, here's my no man's sky character to cheer you up. she's modelled as much as possible after my mandalorian oc. i hope sincerely that you're doing well and that life isn't weighing you down too hard!! thanks for reading and i'll post some more soon, probably photography, both in game (red dead, witcher, no man's sky, and anything else i feel like sharing) and real life (performance photography and edits that i've already posted on my photography account on instagram with permission from the subjects).

have a great evening/morning/day!!

[mostlymalena]

May 10th 2024 11:47pm

Hi. I know I havent written in a while. I'll be better at that.

Today was rough - this week has been rough honestly. I have not written bc Gracie and I were going through a breakup and she officially ended things tonight. Not only that but I got official confirmation that Belle and Paul are fucking. I hope she doesnt have a boyfriend still bc thats just wrong.

let's flesh this out - Gracie broke up with me bc she said she thinks she did not give herself enough alone time to figure out a lot like the religious stuff. She said she does not want to put me through that and I told her I was willing to be put through that. She said she would rather be alone. I am heartbroken bc she worked so hard at picking away my walls and it feels like days after I tore a couple of them down she saw what was behind them and deemed them too much and left. I told her a couple days before she broke it off that I cannot trust her all the way bc I feel like she will abandon me again like she did 4 years ago. It's been rough and im crying a lot. I just wished she would have not reached out at all and not begged begged to get back together just to leave me all over again. I am very very heartbroken.

Tonight I also found out that Paul and Belle are "together" which just means Paul is fucking her bc we know how P is and he will never claim her as she probably deserves to be claimed lmao. Not sure if she still has that poor boyfriend but! Now I am not in any way surprised by this news bc WE ALL SAW IT COMING LMAO but I do feel just embarrassed by him a little. I mean to chase a girl in a band you are in while she has a boyfriend and then fuck her while keeping her a secret and never publicly claiming her and THEN DOING THAT SAME THING TWO MONTHS AFTER BREAKING UP WITH BELLE IS WILD SHIT!!! That is so cringey and so so so embarrassing. I dont know why I feel so much second hand embarrassment but I think it's by association?? Like now he clearly has a pattern and that it started with me and I just hate that so much lmao. He will always be afraid of what people will think and say. I remember when him taking me to a work party meant a lot too lmao.

Also there is a huge relief bc one of my biggest fears when I thought about P's next girlfriend was that she was going to be prettier or more cool or intelligent or just like overall more aesthetically pleasing than me. I do not have to worry about that AT all. This is not to be mean but it is just honest; she is a very plain looking girl with a shady attitude and in my experience does not seem to have much depth to her, all things I had that intimidated P so it should actually work well. He does not want to be with a woman who challenges him and Belle does not seem like the type. This is basically just news I guess bc I dont have any other feelings besides just pity for belle who does not know the prize she won is a emotionally stunted line cook who is wasting his intelligence micromanaging a burger shop. She will grow tired of being kept a secret and he will do nothing about it. This story has been written before she is not a new character just replacing the old one who got tired of the same plot.

I leave for italy sunday - wow. That will be so healing.

Now I guess I should focus on what I'll be needing so a list will be constructed below:

write every day

read one book a week (already doing this but want to make it a goal now)

write poetry once a day

have fun with my friends (easy)

I think that is all for now. Going to have my nightcap and go to sleep bc I have a huge busy day and it starts with an early soccer game!!

Glad to be back to my emotional support blog

[jugs-and]

15 min sprint

My to-do list has "15 minute sprint on tumblr" listed on it - so here we are. People do gratitude journals to make them reflect, and possibly have a positive spin on the events of life. There is a lot of joy in the world, but I feel like stopping just means we are faced with the mind-numbingly dull modern landscape we inhabit. The time to stop is the rarest jewel in this modern world, where nothing matters because everything matters suddenly.

2024 has been chaos so far - I just don't feel like I've been able to stop and breath. For illustration, we had somehow booked in three separate trips to the South Island before March alone. Now I'm just trying to settle into a rhythm of work and private work on half of my evenings. It's a strange lull this week where we had a big deadline last week, and I'm just trying to figure out what I do for fun.

If October 2023 wasn't enough, they went through a second round of restructuring at work in March 2024. The previous round, we officially de-commissioned 3 people, but another 2-3 also outright resigned to other positions. Last month, where the job market is absolutely barren - they demolished through another 9 people last month. It's absolutely soul-destroying as someone who survived, even more so for anyone affected. I have no soul left at work.

Otherwise, the money has been super tight this year. As with most first quarters of my adult life- insurance lump-sums and rates have blind-sided me. This year in particular, my credit card was absolutely pushed to the maximum, and I know I'm not alone in this. Honestly the first time as an adult I've seriously had to budget and shave expenses.

--

Speaking of breathing, a shoulder connected with my ribs this past Sunday at volleyball. I was absolutely winded and floored, taken out by H- on my own team going for the same ball. Today is the first day that the sharp pain in my left lung has surfaced to the skin level. Touching the mid-section of my ribs has been painful, where previously it was a unnoticeable pain, that awoke when I moved a certain way.

--

Sleep feels like amnesia, or a vague concept sometimes, and other times I grasp it completely. I pass out some nights after a late night at the office, other days I feel so anxious that I've had no exercise and I definitely will not sleep well. The sleep yo-yos within the same week.

I feel like it's the same story, I am telling in more creative ways.

[umichenginabroad]

Semana Santa pt. 1, Paris

Hey everyone,

This week is officially Semana Santa in Spain! Semana Santa stands for Holy Week, aka the week leading up until Easter. The Spanish take this week very seriously, so it counts as my “Spring Break” as there are no classes. I’ll skip over the past couple days leading up to it, as they were filled with last minute homework assignments and packing. 

For the first few days of this week, I traveled to Paris, France. Paris has been on my bucket list for as long as I can remember. Me and my friends flew in early Sunday morning, and then took a bus to our Airbnb within the city. We had been up since about 3:30am, so we took a quick nap before heading to a local cafe near where we were staying. After grabbing a bite to eat, we set off to explore!

Unfortunately, our first day was overcast and pretty cold, but we were still able to make the most of it. We took the metro to the Eiffel Tower, and also walked along the Seine to Notre Dame. These two landmarks were farther from each other than we expected, so we were pretty exhausted after our day of traveling and walking the city. We stopped for a quick break, and then walked to L’Entrecote. This is a favorite in Paris, and I had heard a lot about it before going. It’s a restaurant in Paris that only serves one dish - steak and frites. You tell them what drink you’d like and how you’d like your steak, and then they start you with a salad before bringing you the main course. Halfway through eating, they will walk around and refill both your steak and fries! It was so delicious, and the ambiance of the restaurant was super fun. It was a great way to end our first day.

The next morning, we were up early to head to the Louvre. Luckily we had booked our tickets in advance, and it’s free for students 18-25 in the EU! The museum was huge, and we spent hours wandering its halls. Of course we saw the famed Mona Lisa, and also saw a lot of other cool exhibits. Afterwards, we walked through the Tuileries Garden to Angelina. Angelina is a famous cafe in Paris that specializes in hot chocolate and whipped cream. I’m not a big sweets person, but I thought this was delicious! 

After grabbing lunch at Angelina’s, we walked back along the Seine to Le Marais, a neighborhood known for its local boutiques and vintage shopping. We were able to spend a good amount of time here, and then decided to take advantage of the sunshine and grab some drinks! We went to Le Terrass, a boutique hotel that has a bar on their roof! This was super fun, as we could see the Eiffel Tower from the top while enjoying our drinks. We then returned to our Airbnb and took a quick rest.

 As many others studying abroad know, sometimes you are craving a piece of home after a few months. I have been feeling this way as well, and me and my friends actually figured out there was a Chipotle in Paris, so we knew we had to go. This honestly was such a fun dinner, and it was a good way to save some money on food. Afterwards, it was a quick walk back to the Eiffel Tower so we could take in its beauty at night. It was so gorgeous sparkling, and I have about a million photos in my camera roll to attest to that. 

Tuesday was sadly our last full day in Paris. We decided to take full advantage, and hopped on a train early in the morning heading to Versailles. I actually was unaware that the Palace of Versailles is not directly in Paris, as Versailles is technically a suburb of Paris. But, it was only a 20 minute train ride to get there. Once there, we went to the palace for a full tour, and it was amazing! It was huge, and no details were overlooked. It was so big and opulent, and while that is beautiful, it definitely makes you think about wealth back in those times, and how it was distributed. Definitely an interesting trip!

We grabbed the train back into Paris and got some much needed lunch, including some famous French crepes. We then took the metro to visit the Arc De Triomphe. It honestly was a lot larger than I had imagined in my head, but that makes sense as a lot of people go to the top for some great views. We wandered back down to the Seine, and ran into the famous bridge filled with locks! This was fun, and we spent a few minutes looking at all of the different initials and notes engraved on each. 

That night, we had our last dinner in Paris. We booked in advance a reservation at Pink Mamma, a popular Italian spot in Paris. I had heard a lot about it from both friends and research, and it did not disappoint! One reason for its popularity is its beautiful inside, as it’s covered in windows, plants, and paintings. I also had their famous truffle pasta. It was a great ending to our time in Paris.

Now, I’m heading off to London for the rest of the week. I’m excited to share my time there next :)

Abbey Almeda

Industrial and Operations Engineering

UP Comillas

[zepskies]

Hello my beloved!! I forget that it's already Sunday in AUS by the time I post on Saturday my time. 🤣 And yes, no more cliffhangers. 🤣 We made it to the grand finale!

Ben really is the worst roommate ever lmfao. And I agree, I think she's got every right to be petty by now. 6 months? Bitch please. 😂

That therapist deserves a whole ass pay raise for putting up with that shit oh god 🤣

TRUE FACTS. 😂😂 Ben's putting that shrink to the test. Nothing in his doctoral training prepared him for this shit.

Now that their dynamic is different from when she was living with him as a uhh… y’know, his captive 😅, Ben would revert to this kind of behaviour.

Ooh, you know him. 🙃 And honestly, Louisa's POV is understandable. All she knows about Ben is what her sister has told her vs. what she sees of his actions. You'll get more of Louisa in Part 2 and 3 of "Love Actually." 😘

And thank you for shouting out his "old man-ness" captured in this chapter loll. I think it's an important reminder. The guy is literally 102 years fucking old. 😂

You’d think that this old ass man would actually be the type to call her his girlfriend. 🤣

My headcannon is he's the typical macho man when it comes to expressing his deepest feelings. And for a habitual womanizer like him, putting an "official" label on this relationship is hard for him, because this time he knows it's real.

Very smart of her to lay down these rules! This first one especially, I don’t blame her for it being the first rule!

Right? I thought she would need to set her expectations early, from the get go, so they're both on the "same page," even if she isn't sure if he's sticking to the rules. 🫠

““You know what? You’re right. Smooth and creamy is how I’ll eat out your mother’s sweet and savory vajine,” Frenchie teased.” — I LITERALLY WHEEZED AT THIS!! Holy shit I love Frenchie 🤣

He has a similar line in season 2 I believe, and I HAD to bring it back in this way. Fucking Frenchie. 🤣🤣

I really do love Annie, I mean sure she can be annoying but at the end of the day, she always has pure intentions.

I feel the exact same way about Annie. lol Sometimes she annoys me, but in moments like this, she's the friend you want in your corner. 🥹

Oh Jesus he’s being such a man 💀 I would struggle to keep cool if a guy I was seeing publicly undermined me like this.

Oh, Ben's Mr. Machismo. lmfao. Like it's coming from a place of concern for her safety, but he's being a massive dick about it, isn't he?

“Sapphire’s here somewhere. I can smell a massive cunt already.” — I have major appreciation for this line right here, it’s very Butcher!! 🤣

Thank you for shouting out this line lol. Low key one of my faves here. I really truly try my best to get Butcher on point, because his voice is tricky to get right. 🤣

““What the hell’s going on?” you heard Ben’s voice on the line.” — Oh god this little princess is going to make a big deal about this isn’t he?

Oh, you know it. 🙄🙄

BRUHHHHHH how stupid do you have to be to make that mistake? 😂 What a dumbass!

IKR? What a dumbass bitch. 🤣 She's a whole king pin drug lord and still managed to electrocute TF out of herself.

This is so cute omg, I mean poor Hughie, but I adore the way that Ben always comes to her aid. Also “Hughie’s scrawny hands” made me WHEEZE 💀

LOL I had to, poor Hughie lol. But it's from Ben's POV in that moment. 😂

SHE PULLED THE GRANDPA CARD AND I LOVE HER FOR IT OMG!!!

Oooh yes, this whole section was my second-favorite scene to write (other than the romantic stuff at the end 🥹). But LMFAO not you startling your poor doggo. 🤣 Ben wouldn't really toss her, but he definitely thought about it. Fantasies. Just like the "jenga" line later on. 🤣 But lolllll did I really write you as the reader in this chapter?? Fucking amazing. 😂😂

“You’re the fucking grouch,” you shot back. In times like these, you liked to fantasize. Sometimes you wished you could rip out his spine and play Jenga with the vertebrae.” — THIS IS SO VIOLENT AND FUNNY AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT OMG I’M MAKING SO MANY STUPID ASS SOUNDS AS I HOLD MY LAUGHTER IN 🤣

So funny story, this line came about from a convo between my best friend and I. She was telling me about her boyfriend driving her literally up the wall over something he did that made no fucking sense (men, amirite?). And she literally was like, "I love the fuck out of him, but sometimes I just want to rip out his spine, bro." 🤣🤣 I ad-libbed the rest.

Now Ben will see why he needs to be vocal and honest about how he feels. He probably thinks that his gestures are doing the talking for him, that what he’s done for her is enough of a testament to how much he loves her. But he can’t just expect her to know the intention behind these actions, especially considering the type of person he used to be.

OMGGG you got it!! You got exactly what I was trying to convey!! He's fully expecting his actions to tell the story, but she needs more than that. Especially when it comes to his Countess trauma lol. He knows that he was a bastard. But it doesn't change the fact that he was betrayed by her and his whole team. For him, that's still something that affects him.

“But one day, I’m still going to fucking lose you,” he said, looking down on you. “Then I’ll be right back where I started.” — I’m so glad that you brought this up!

Yeeep. You brought this up a while back, but it's important. 🥲 And it's a conversation that they're definitely going to come back to...at a later date. As well as the "having a family" conversation. 😉

“You could’ve never known it then, but you’d stared straight into the face of your future.” — That’s so funny to think about that they never knew how important they would become to each other 🥹🫶

I know, that's why I had to add something that harkened back to the beginning contentious days of their relationship lol. I look back at the beginning chapters, and they really just have no idea of the rollercoaster they're about to go on together. But it's all their choices that bring them each to this point. 🥹

THIS IS SO FRICKING CUTE OMGGGG!!! I’m so curious now about what type of parents they’d be, and about the type of kids they would have!

😏😏😏

(To be continued...)

They’ve come so far together, and I love that you added this tension and these issues and insecurities into this chapter, because it’s such a realistic and necessary step!

Thank you, my friend!! I was definitely going for realism amidst the fantastical nature of this show lol. At least, realism in their relationship. It's not perfect, and it's never going to be. They're still going to have conflict and issues to work through, but that ultimately makes their bond stronger. And like you said, it's more satisfying as a story and as a romance when you overcome obstacles to be together. ❤️❤️

Thank you so much for your feedback and encouragements through this whole ride!! So excited to bring you more BMD-verse soon. 🥹🥰🥰

Break Me Down - The Epilogue

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x Female Reader

Summary: You’re a private investigator by trade, but now you happily sit at a desk — leading a surveillance team at Supe Affairs. After managing to end Homelander in New York, Soldier Boy escapes custody. You are recruited for the manhunt, joining Butcher’s team.

Truly, you joined the S.A. for the right reasons. But after you become his accidental hostage, Soldier Boy will break down every single one of them…

AN: This chapter is set about a month before "Love Actually." So...are you ready?

Song Inspo: For this last chapter, it’s “The Book of Love” by Peter Gabriel. (It’s just lovely. I listened to it while writing the second half of the epilogue!)

Word Count: 7,800 Tags/Warnings: 18+ only! Violence and peril, angst, familiar bickering, smutty smut, bit of breeding kink, tender fluff, hurt/comfort, and an ending…

Epilogue: All My Living Time

“I’m not fucking around,” he said. “I want you to live with me.” 

Your smile was soft and bright when you took his hand. Ben wouldn’t admit it, but something in his chest stuttered to life then.

“Okay,” you said with a nod. “Let’s do it.”

Six months later…

You were frustrated with your roommate.

And yes, you used the word roommate, because he hadn’t seen fit to give it any other label.

You stewed in your irritation as you also stirred the beginnings of chicken tortilla soup. It was early in the morning before work, and Yvette had been teaching you how to master the crockpot. Hopefully, by the time you and Ben got home tonight, it would be ready and waiting for dinner.

Six months. You had to nag him about cabinets left open, dirty boots left right in front of the door to your shared apartment, and hell, actually going to his therapy sessions.

While that last one had taken months of convincing and cajoling, he’d caved when you suggested that acknowledging and dealing with what happened to him in Russia might help him control the nuclear power inside him. And maybe, just maybe, they wouldn’t have to patch another hole in the ceiling.

Mind you, he wouldn’t actually talk to said therapist about anything related to his PTSD. But at least he was going. And the therapist was apparently getting an earful of Ben’s celebrity encounters, with all the explicit, gushy details.

However, even with all of this, it also sometimes felt like you were an in-house maid rather than a partner.

The latest reason for your frustration returned to you when Ben strolled into the kitchen in search of coffee. He wasn’t yet dressed for work in his supe suit; instead, still in the plain shirt and sweatpants he’d slept in.

He glanced at you, and seeming to sense your mood, he kept to himself as he found his usual mug and poured a cup of steaming French press in silence.

You took in a breath, trying to calm yourself. Maybe he’d had time to sleep on it. You closed the crockpot and went over to him. Your hand on his arm made him pause.

“Hey,” you said, “have you thought about what I asked you last night?”

Ben’s expression remained flat. “I think I already said my piece on that.”

You sighed.

“Why is dinner with my family such a hard thing for you?” you asked. Your brows furrowed. “My sister’s starting to warm up to you! And Mom just wants to get to know you. What’s the problem?”

Ben scoffed. “Your sister fucking hates me.”

You bit your lip. He wasn’t totally wrong, but in fairness, Louisa wasn’t happy to learn about why you’d nearly died in the hospital, when Vought Tower collapsed.

She thought you needed therapy for an egregious case of Stockholm Syndrome. But the more Ben worked with Supe Affairs, helping to clear the streets of out-of-control supes and cleaning up the remains of Vought, you were slowly getting Louisa to come around.

“She just needs time to get to know you too,” you said.

Ben wasn’t having it though. He rolled his eyes and tried to walk away from you with his coffee and a newspaper—aiming to get to his favorite lounge chair in the living room. It was the way he always started his morning, like the old man he was.

You followed him.

“Come on, one dinner won’t kill you,” you said. “And by the way, neither would moving your dirty-ass boots out of the doorway.”

You went over to grab said boots, and in your annoyance, you all but tossed them into the hall. Ben frowned at you, throwing down the newspaper onto the coffee table.

“Why’re you nagging me like a goddamn wife?” he snapped.

“Wife?” you scoffed, crossing your arms. “You don’t even call me your girlfriend.”

But God forbid another man even smile in your direction. Ben was possessive, protective, and claimed with all but words that you were his. And yet, he wouldn’t say it.

You shouldn’t have been surprised that he was afraid of commitment, but you’d been living together for six damn months. Almost seven, if you counted the safe house.

When you found this nice, but cozy apartment in Scarsdale, you’d sat him down at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, like the two of you used to in that house in Medellin.

And you established the ground rules before you two officially moved in together: 

First, an exclusive relationship meant exclusive. Meaning no fucking around. (He’d raised a brow at you.)

Second, you were his partner, not his slave. You expected him to carry his hefty weight, not only in the relationship, but around the house. (He’d most definitely rolled his eyes at that.)

And finally, don’t be an asshole, you’d decreed. “Be honest when you’re not feeling right about something. But don’t be a dick about it.” 

That cut both ways, of course, just like the other two rules. He’d agreed to all of these, albeit begrudgingly. You hadn’t really known then if he meant it.

And now, looking at him, you still had no idea if he was trying, or if he was just tired of being alone…and if you were just a convenient bedwarmer. You bit your lip once again, this time with a growing fear blooming anxiety in your chest.

“Do you even love me?” you asked.

Ben blinked down at you, and his lips pulled into a deep frown.

“Stop fucking around,” he said.

“I’m serious,” you insisted. Your crossed arms tightened, as if to protect yourself from what he might say. “You’ve never said it once.”

“And the fact that I agreed to live in this mediocre fucking apartment doesn’t mean anything?” he said, gesturing around him with a hand. “I take you out, I buy you shit. Matter of fact, I fucking spoil you.”

“And you take off whenever you feel like it, especially after missions,” you shot back. “Sometimes I don’t know where the hell you’ve gone for hours. For all I know, you’re out there doing blow with a caravan of strippers!”

While that did sound like a damn good time, that hadn’t been Ben’s M.O. in recent months. And in his mind, you should’ve known better.

“I haven’t fucked anyone but you since we moved in here,” he snapped.

Even longer than that, if he was honest. 

Meanwhile, you wanted to trust his words, desperately, but you just didn’t know if you could. 

“Even if I believe you, what’s the problem here?” you asked. Your gaze fell from his as you worried your bottom lip. “Am I doing something wrong?”

You didn’t see the way Ben’s brows knitted together, his eyes softening a bit.

“Other than annoying the hell out of me right now, no,” he replied. 

“Okay,” you nodded with a sigh. You looked up at him again. “Then just tell me the truth. What are we doing here?” 

“What the fuck do you mean?” Ben’s hands went to his waist, and once again, he frowned in irritation. “I’m here. What more do you want from me?” 

“Do you love me?” you asked. “And don’t lie to me.” 

He knew very well that you would be able to detect if he was lying. Which was why, you suspected, he hadn’t tried to. 

He couldn’t seem to answer you though…and that broke your heart.

Shaking your head, you walked away from him to get ready for work.

Your attitude at work was snappish at best. Annie had pulled you from the Surveillance department on your lunch break to join her and your friends in the breakroom, but you couldn’t enjoy yourself like you usually would.

“Smooth and creamy, all the motherfuckin’ way,” M.M. said. Sitting across from him in the breakroom was Frenchie, pelting him with a roasted peanut.

“This is why you are an unsophisticated, bourgeois, fucking fuddy-duddy,” Frenchie remarked. He was also vaping, as Annie was trying to get him to stop smoking indoors. “Extra crunchy peanut butter is the only way to do business.”

“What’s the point? Just eat peanuts if you want it that crunchy,” M.M. countered. He blocked each roasted nut thrown at him and organized them in a perfect pile on the table.

“You know what? You’re right. Smooth and creamy is how I’ll eat out your mother’s sweet and savory vajine,” Frenchie teased.

M.M.’s deadpan face was priceless. But when a peanut projectile strayed and hit you in the cheek, you leveled Frenchie with a glare.

“Can you guys not act like children for five goddamn minutes?” you snapped.

His brows raised, along with his hands in surrender. M.M. and Annie looked at you in mild surprise, and the latter with concern after the guys eventually left.

“What’s going on with you? You’ve looked tense as hell all day,” she asked. You sighed, holding a hand to your brow.

“I know. I’m sorry,” you replied. She gave you a knowing look.

“Is…something going on?” she asked. “Is it Ben?”

Most of the S.A. was still wary of Ben, while M.M. tolerated him at best. (You understood how hard he was trying.)

You appreciated Annie though. She was a good friend, and along with Hughie, she’d been another who started to come around to the idea of Ben. Not only as he occasionally worked with the S.A., but to the man himself, after she’d seen the way he did his best to save you, Yvette, and her son Devon.

You nodded at her question. You couldn’t help the tears burgeoning in your eyes. Annie scooched her chair over so she could rub your back in comfort. You sniffed and tried not to break down here in the middle of the breakroom, over your sad ham sandwich.

“We had a fight,” you admitted. Annie’s gaze was tight with concern.

“Did he…hurt you?” she asked. Her brown eyes were as direct as her words, promising her protection as well as retribution, depending on how you answered.

Your glassy eyes widened. “No. He’s not like that, he…believe it or not, but he’s never hurt me, Annie. Not once.”

After a moment, she nodded. “Okay, good. Well, tell me what happened.”

You wanted to. But before you could, both of you got an incoming text in the team group chat. It was from Grace Mallory.

She had a new mission.

Grace asked you to join the team on your first field mission since you’d returned to work three months ago. She also called in Ben, as in her words, it was another “all hands on fucking deck” situation.

Ben and Butcher eyed one another with similar stoic frowns, before they proceeded to ignore each other. Despite how you felt about Ben right now, the brief exchange almost made you smirk.

Apparently the whole I saved you with my super blood thing was awkward for both of them. You knew Ben had seen it as a means to an end. You still didn’t know how Butcher felt about it, but it seemed as if a begrudging respect had formed between the two men.

Or at least, they were civil, anyway.

“All right,” Grace said, once she saw that everyone was in attendance. “Let’s begin.”

A supe named Sapphire had been giving the CIA trouble for years now. She was moving drugs from South America to the States, to the Middle East, whoever would deal with her. And she was smart. She had a network of spies that transcended continents, and so she had evaded every attempt at arrest.

She was also a powerful supe, with the ability to channel vaporizing energy not unlike Crimson Countess had. However, this supe could spear blue shards of light through her enemies as well.  With her damn eyes.

Grace turned to you after she finished explaining the details of the mission.

“Sapphire’s internal security is advanced. Our system can’t penetrate her firewalls. You’ll need to get a hand on the mainframe from there, shut down her system. Then our Surveillance team can back you up here.”

You nodded, but in the corner of your eye, you noticed Ben frowning as he crossed his arms.

“What?” you asked.

“You’re out of practice,” he told you. “You really think you’re ready for this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? I train every day,” you snapped back.

Ben’s expression fell into irritation. “Not the same, and you fucking know it.”

Butcher, Annie, and the others watched the exchange with mixed wariness and discomfort. Grace looked between you and Ben with curious, narrowed eyes.

“Is this going to be a problem, you two working together on this?” she asked.

You turned from Ben’s annoyed face and met Grace’s gaze directly.

“Not at all,” you said.

Sapphire had been spotted doing business in the Meat Packing District. By day, the building was a beef butchering factory. By night, it was apparently one of the most massive drug running operations in the city.

As such, her security team was extensive—at the front, the back, and the roof. So while Butcher, Kimiko, and Ben broke through the front, making a lot of noise and distraction, the rest of you went under.

Unfortunately, that meant the sewer. Annie lit the way through, while M.M. followed a set of schematics to find the right spot.

“It’s not my first time in the bowels of New York City, but please God, let it be the last,” Hughie quipped. You tried not to breathe the foul smell through your nose.

“Watch the fucking rat,” M.M. said with a grimace, before he set up the double-sided ladder he brought. He and Frenchie climbed either side of it up to the metal ceiling which, according to the building’s schematics, led directly beneath the factory basement.

They took up welding guns and masks to carve a large hole into the metal and cement above. And soon enough, they pushed up and slid over a large portion, creating a gap you could all crawl through. 

M.M. helped Annie up first, and she shot a few star bolts at the three men inside, who had been smoking and eating deli sandwiches. Each of them went down, alive, but groaning in pain. That allowed the rest of you to climb up and into the basement.

“We’re in,” M.M. said into the Bluetooth communicator in his ear.

“We’re cutting through her goon squad,” Butcher said. “Sapphire’s here somewhere. I can smell a massive cunt already.”

“Gross. Thanks for that visual,” Annie remarked.

From there, you all took off toward the stairwell. It was your task to find the operation’s security control room. So Hughie and Frenchie went with you as backup, while M.M. and Annie went to join the fight and find Sapphire.

It took you a few tries to find the right room. Most of them were offices. One contained wagons of discarded meat parts (disgusting). But eventually, you found a large room filled with computer equipment and a huge wall monitor with several panels of camera feeds. You and Frenchie raised your guns and took out the team inside.

Then you and Hughie went to the controls. Frenchie watched the door while you worked to disable the firewall first. You instructed Hughie on how to knock out their communications as well. And within a few minutes, your work was done. You were able to make a call to the S.A. Surveillance team.

“Hey, friend!” a cheerful voice greeted you. You smiled; it was your coworker Jess, who you’d worked with for the past two years. 

“Jess?”

“Yep! I’m helping out on this one. What do you need?”

“I shut down the firewall. I’m giving you the I.P. address now so you can connect.”

“…Okay, got it. I’m in. I can see all twenty cameras, and you! Hey, there.”

“All right, where’s Sapphire?” you asked.

“Looks like they haven’t found her yet,” Hughie said, pointing at the camera feed in the main room, filled with rows of conveyor belts, and a massive fight as Ben, Butcher, and the others made their way through the building.

“We’ll just have to help them clear each room,” you said. “Let’s go. Jess, keep an eye on us, but look out for Sapphire.”

“Will do. I’m patched into your comm now too,” she said. So you hung up your cell, and you left with Hughie and Frenchie.

You ran into more security when you left the room, more than the three of you could realistically handle as a fire fight began. You guys ran in the opposite direction, but while you veered right around the corner, Frenchie and Hughie ran left. Bullets tore in between, making sure that none of you could cross the hall to join back up.

“You guys keep going. I’ll find my own way out,” you called out to them. Neither of them liked that idea, but Frenchie nodded and pulled Hughie away when Sapphire’s security team closed in.

You kept running down the hall. You knew you were being chased. Several heavy footsteps thundered behind you. 

“Jess, I need a way out of here,” you commed in.

“You’re on the second floor,” she said. “The closest stairwell is the one you’re running away from.”

“What’s the second closest?” You panted as you ran.

“Hmm, you can cut through room 234. The exit stairwell is right on the other side.”

 “Is the room clear?” you asked.

After a moment, Jess answered. “Yep, it should be.”

"Should be?”you said dubiously.

“What the hell’s going on?” you heard Ben’s voice on the line. You heard the edge of his annoyance (and underlying worry), but you didn’t have time to talk to him right now.

“Looks clear on my end,” said Jess,“but this connection is a bit wonky.”

Damn it, Jess, you thought. When you reached room 234, the door was solid gray. There was no window to peek into, and you didn’t have time for caution, as a stray bullet nearly caught you in the head.

You ripped the door open and ran in, slamming the door shut behind you and locking it for good measure.

You turned around and stopped short. A gasp caught in your throat.

The room was huge, and it was filled wall-to-wall with white packages, of what you could only assume was cocaine. A few men were continuing to stack them. At the center of it all was a tall woman, rich tan skin, long black hair, wearing a deep blue pantsuit and killer heels. She looked like a boss ass bitch.

But unfortunately, she was also looking straight at you, raising a brow.

“Ah,” she said. A smile curved her lips, painted with a dark plum lipstick. “You’re one of the little bitches making a mess in my office.” 

Her eyes glowed blue, and yours widened. You dove for the nearest shelter—a wall of cocaine parcels. White powder exploded and wafted in the air as you ducked and ran across the room (and tried not to inhale). You drew your gun and shot out the legs of her men underneath the long stretch of table, but you yelped as bullets continued to follow you.

“I found Sapphire! Need backup in 234!” you shouted into the comm.

But when a blast of blue energy rocked into the wall directly behind you, you screamed as you were thrown forward. You landed painfully on your side, with the wind knocked out of you.

After a moment, you drew breath into your lungs and were able to pick yourself up. The exit door was close, a mere few feet away, but the second you reached for it, you had to pull back as narrow blue shards of light pierced the door. 

Sapphire was quickly approaching, just a yard or so away from grabbing you.

Instead of shooting your gun, you went for the taser at your belt and shot fast. Sapphire grabbed the end of the line like a fucking moron. Her blue eyes widened in outrage and pain when it shocked 50,000 volts of electricity through her body.

You took your chance, and you ripped the door open and fled. You just didn’t expect the bolt of energy that shot after you when you reached the stairs.

It didn’t hit you, but trying to dodge it made you lose your balance. You uttered a short scream as you were forced to jump the first flight of stairs.

You landed on the middle platform between the first and second floor. This time, you knew you twisted your ankle badly on the way down. You whimpered, holding your ankle and shin, but you knew you didn’t have time to waste.

It was a struggle to claw your way up to the guard rail. You could barely put pressure on your right foot, but you had no choice as you scrambled down the rest of the stairs. Already the door to the stairwell was blown open, and a pissed supe was on her way down behind you.

After shoving the door open on the first floor, you stumbled out and took another painful spill across the concrete floor. To your relief, M.M. picked you up by your arms.

The door behind you swung open, and before Sapphire could fire off a vaporizing blow, Ben raised his new titanium shield in front of you and M.M.

The blue energy bounced right off, and Ben used his shield to bat the supe right in the face—like swatting a fly. With a shriek, she was thrown hard against the wall.

Sapphire sunk to her knees, then the electric blue flickered out of her eyes as she fell unconscious to the floor.

When you all returned to Supe Affairs, Ben thundered down the hall towards the Surveillance department.

“Ben!” You hurried after him the best you could with a sprained ankle, bare-footed and wrapped, while M.M. and Hughie trailed behind. The others were busy getting Sapphire into custody.

Hughie was concerned for you though, while M.M. also wanted to know how you were going to try and reign in Soldier Boy.

“What the hell are you doing?” you called after Ben.

“I wanna know what goddamn moron cleared that fucking room,” he barked, but he didn’t slow down.

M.M. called your name from behind.

“Get your boyfriend in check,” he warned.

You sighed in irritation. At this point, you didn’t even know if he was your boyfriend.

But you struggled to reach him. You were practically hopping on one foot. The moment you tried to put any pressure on your right one, you faltered with a cry as you all but crashed against the wall to catch yourself. Hughie went to help you, grabbing your arm gently with a supportive hand on your back.

You didn’t see it, but that was when Ben stopped short. His jaw ticked. And he turned on his booted heel. When he saw you struggling to support yourself against the wall, he reluctantly went back. He knocked Hughie’s scrawny hands off you and wrapped an arm around your waist.

When he tried to just gather you into his arms to get the weight off your injured foot, you snapped at him.

“I can walk!” you said. “Let’s just go home please.”

His nostrils flared in irritation, but he helped you try to walk back toward the exit instead. You winced in pain with every small step.

Ben growled in annoyance. Fuck this. 

He hefted you effortlessly into his arms. You gasped and clung to his shoulders, and afterwards, you glared at him.

“I said I can walk!” you insisted.

“Shut up,” he grated out, swiftly heading for the exit doors down the hall. M.M. and Hughie watched with wide eyes while you and Ben devolved into what you did best.

“Don’t tell me to shut up!” you raised your voice.

He glared at you. “You’re in rare fucking form right now.”

“You’re the one being an asshole!”

“And you’re being a disrespectful brat!”

You rolled your eyes as anger burned hot in your veins. “What-fucking-ever, grandpa.”

Ben’s teeth clicked and grinded together. It took everything he had within him not to toss you. 

“You really wanna fucking get it, don’t you?”

“Suck my dick. How about that?” you sassed back, unfazed by his warning. 

Ben bulldozed through the double doors with a swift kick that shook them on their hinges. The bickering continued long after you two exited the building. 

Hughie just stared, mouth gaping, while M.M. crossed his arms. 

“That is some volatile shit,” Hughie remarked. 

M.M. scoffed, with a subtle shake of his head. 

“Nah, man,” he said ruefully. “That’s true motherfuckin’ love.”

Meanwhile, in the car, Ben drove home to Scarsdale. You simmered in the passenger seat. He glanced at you.

“Are you gonna be a hissy bitch all night?” he asked. You glowered at him.

“You’re the fucking grouch,” you shot back. In times like these, you liked to fantasize. Sometimes you wished you could rip out his spine and play Jenga with the vertebrae.  

“And you’re the one who nearly got yourself killed,” he retorted.

You took issue with this, your brows raising high.

“Excuse me? You’re really blaming me for what happened with Sapphire? You were ready to take out my friend for making an honest mistake.”

His gaze briefly left the road, turning to you in frustration. He didn't understand how you couldn't get it through your thick skull. You had been one shaky step shy of being fucking vaporized today.

No blood. No body. Just...nothing.

“Case in point, you’re the best in Surveillance," he said gruffly. "You don’t need to be in the field."

His compliment stopped you, warming you a little, but he was missing the point.

“I go where I’m needed, just like you,” you said. “You don’t get to tell me how, when, or where to do my job.”

Needless to say, it was tense for the rest of the way home.

Ben helped you inside, after which, you were determined to get to the bedroom by yourself. He watched you hop away from him with a frustrated shake of his head.

He sighed and started to peel off his gloves and untie his boots…but instead of leaving them by the door, like he usually would, he kept walking until he made it to the bedroom he shared with you. He sat on the edge of the bed and took his boots off there.

He watched you ignore him as you closed yourself into the bathroom.

You came out of the shower a little while later. Your hair was damp, but unwashed as you hadn’t been able to stand there for very long. The wrap on your ankle had gotten wet, so you grabbed the spare one that the paramedic had given you.

Ben didn’t look at you as he took his turn heading into the bathroom. After the door shut, your shoulders slumped with a sigh.

You tried to put on some shorts, but you quickly gave up and instead put on an overlarge shirt over your underwear. You remembered then that this shirt was an old one of Ben’s, and now a favorite of yours, because it still smelled like that earthy mix of his cologne and aftershave.

Frowning, you sucked in a deep breath. And you made a decision.

By the time Ben came back out with a towel wrapped around his hips, he found you still in the bedroom. Except you were packing a suitcase—the same one he’d brought to the safe house he’d shared with you for a month.

You were stuffing clothes into it from your side of the dresser. Something churned uncomfortably in his stomach, and he approached you.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he demanded to know.

You glanced up at him, but continued packing.

“Well, you made yourself very clear this morning that we’re just roommates. So I’m going to the guest room.”

“All right, don’t get all fucking hormonal,” he said, reaching out with a hand to stop you. You snatched your hand away from him. His brows raised in disbelief.

When you tried to get past him on the way to your closet, he held fast to your arm. With an angry frown, he then grabbed your suitcase and spilled it over onto the bed. You didn’t need a fucking suitcase to move one room over. Not that he planned to let you go any-damn-where.

“Enough,” he said sharply.

You met his intense stare with your own, but your eyes were shining and red. In that moment, you both stilled. The silence was palpable. For you, it was heartbreaking.

“I can’t do this anymore, Ben,” you confessed. Tears welled up in your eyes, but you refused to let them fall just yet. “I put my all into this, and I just…I can’t be with someone who won’t be honest with me.”

You started to grab your suitcase again, along with your discarded clothes. Ben stopped you. 

“I said enough,” he snapped. 

You then threw the heap of clothes to the floor, suitcase and all.

“Why?” you tearfully retorted. “Why should I listen to you?” 

His deep green eyes searched yours. For what, you didn’t know.

Eventually, you started to see through the cracks of his anger.

“Because I fucking love you,” he said. 

You blinked up at him, with hope stuck in your throat. But you were stubborn in your denial.

“You’re just saying that to get me off your back,” you argued. “Either you’ve just gotten used to having me around, or you just don’t feel like being alone. But you don’t really care about me.”

You knew you were saying words you didn’t mean.

You knew that wasn’t true…but you couldn’t help it.

You were more upset than angry now, seconds away from dissolving into pitiful tears. You were just stubborn enough to hold them at bay.

“Just shut up for one goddamn second,” Ben said. He held you by your shoulders, though his hands soon moved down to grip your arms. It wasn’t a painful hold, but it was firm, and quite possibly pleading.

Despite your better judgment, you gave him time to speak.

“You really think I’d stay here in this shithole if I didn’t want you?” he asked. “If I didn’t care about you?”

You unconsciously held your breath. For a long moment, he hesitated to continue.

Again, you waited for him.

Meanwhile, Ben knew he was being a coward. He’d been holding back. Not because he wasn’t serious about you, but because he’d been burned before. 

He knew he’d spent his life being a fucking bastard, in most ways. He knew he’d been wrong, and hadn’t given two shits about it. But Crimson Countess…Tess…he’d been willing to settle down with her. He’d actually told her he loved her and hadn’t been totally lying through his teeth. 

Yeah, he’d fucked around. Flirted with other women in front of her. He knew he was a hypocrite. Still, in whatever way he could at the time, he thought he’d loved her. 

And she’d lied to him. She’d gone through the motions of being with him. For fame or fear or whatever her reasons had been, she went along with it. And then she’d sold him out, along with the rest of their team. 

For nothing. Just to get him the fuck out of her life—out of the world. 

So what was he supposed to do with you? Just let you walk the fuck in, give you the deepest parts of him? A dark fucking space that he’d never given to anyone.

Well, he knew now if he didn’t, you were going to leave. But he wasn’t willing to let go either.

So…he relented. For once in his life, he told the truth.

“I love you,” Ben admitted. “In my whole damn life…I think you’re the only one who’s made me feel it for real.” 

Tears finally slipped down your cheeks. You reached out and grasped his wrist, mostly for stability as you took in his words. He took that hand, held it to his warm chest. Always warm. 

“But one day, I’m still going to fucking lose you,” he said, looking down on you. “Then I’ll be right back where I started.”

Alone. 

You looked up at him with a sad, rueful smile. 

“Not exactly where you started,” you replied. He wasn’t the same man you met last year. You pressed your free hand to his cheek.

“Taking Compound V doesn’t guarantee I’ll come out like you, with a longer lifespan.”

“It’s something the CIA can work on,” Ben said. 

“You want Dr. Baker to experiment on me?” you asked, quirking a brow. The CIA had recruited her, ironically enough.

Ben closed his eyes for a second, letting out a slight huff. “That’s not what I’m fucking saying.”

You nodded and soothed your fingers through his hair. 

“Okay, we’ll have that conversation. I promise.” Then you smiled. “But let me just have this moment…my boyfriend loves me.”

You looked into his eyes and you knew he meant it. His hands moved to your waist, around to the small of your back. You clung to his shoulders and shifted off your aching ankle with a wince. Ben noticed, and he raised you up to him. It had the added benefit of letting you reach his face easier.

He guided you into a searing kiss. You responded in kind, delving into his hair again and opening your mouth to his demanding tongue. With the tips of your toes, you pushed up from the ground and he helped you wrap your legs around his waist.

The towel he wore was starting to slip, and you shoved it the rest of the way off with your foot, until he stood in the center of the bedroom in all his glory. 

He smirked into your lips and walked you to the bed. But before he could lay you down, you broke the kiss and held his face.

“You really love me?” you asked, just to make sure. It was the part of you, perhaps still scarred deep down, that had to ask.

Ben chuckled. He rested his forehead against yours. “You’re mine, sweetheart. Don’t you fucking forget it.”

You grinned, and you kissed him this time, only breaking when he lowered down to the bed. Once your back met the plush mattress, all bets were off. He wrenched your shirt up over your head, and you reached for him again.

Your lips drew a hot, wet path from his jawline to his neck, biting and sucking all along the way to that sensitive spot between his neck and shoulder. His hand clenched in your hair, a deep sound caught in his throat when he felt the sharp sting of your teeth, playfully biting, then soothing with your tongue.

Your nails bit into his skin, but merely felt like teasing down his back, making a shiver trill along his spine. He all but pressed you into the mattress as he made his own descent.

Your fingers trailed up and into his hair while his mouth worked its way down between your breasts, stopping to lavish attention on each one. You made sounds of pleasure when he took a hardened nipple between his lips, between his teeth, dragging deliciously over your skin.

Your thighs wrapped around his hips again, He bucked teasingly into your clothed core, making you moan when you felt his wet tip dampening your panties.

“Ben…”

His lips curved, but he didn’t answer you. His fingers were pressing into the flesh of your thigh as he continued to tease your breasts. You’d felt how hard he was already and frankly, you were surprised he was taking his time.

“Listen,” you panted in his ear. “You’ve gotta wrap it up this time. Do we even have condoms?”

You knew for a fact that Ben didn’t buy them. 

But his brows furrowed. His mouth left your breast as he looked up at you.

“What?”

“I haven’t replaced my IUD yet,” you confessed. Its five-year lifespan had been up, and so you’d gotten the birth control device removed a few days ago.

Now, you watched in amusement at the way his lips curved into a pleased grin.

“No, don’t you even think about it,” you warned. Though you almost laughed at how excited he looked. “We’re not ready for that.”

“Why fucking not?” Ben asked. His pressed his length against your core more insistently. The idea of fucking you raw, spilling into you, putting his seed deep inside you without resistance, had his cock throbbing with anticipation.

“Ben!” You had to laugh. You two hadn’t even been living together that long, and you had just gotten on the same page after six months of trying to figure out what you were together.

“Don’t tell me you don’t want kids,” he said. And he began to ply you with tantalizing kisses along the column of your throat, down your neck, the scraping of teeth making you shudder in delight.

“I do,” you could admit. “But is right now really the best ti—”

He choked a moan out of you as his fingers pushed your underwear aside and spread your folds, then delved right in. Your core pulsed, hot and wet as his thick digits sunk deep inside you.

“God,” you uttered, gripping his hair tight. He stretched and explored your inner channel with two fingers, while his thumb found your clit with ease.

“When then?” he asked. But his hand was unrelenting, working you over until your toes curled and the coil in your lower belly began to tighten. You looked up at him helplessly.   

“Can we talk about this later?” you keened. Ben smirked and suddenly withdrew his fingers from your dripping pussy. He snatched your underwear, ripping them down the middle and making you gasp.

“No time like the fucking present,” he insisted. He lined himself up to your entrance, but you stopped him with a warning look. You knew if you let him inside you now, he was going to try and get his way.

“Ben,” you warned.

He sighed and let you stop him, but then his teasing edge faded.

Ben pressed a hand to your cheek. When he leaned down to kiss you, you felt the need and wanting behind it. 

He pulled away to meet your eyes. You softened looking up into his, because you understood what he wanted.

“We have time, baby,” you promised, stroking his chin. “We’ll have a family…just give us some time.”

He was disappointed…but he nodded. Sighing again through his nose, he clenched a hand into the now tangled mess of your hair.

“Say it,” he demanded. “Say you’re fucking mine.”

Your eyes widened. In all of this, you’d forgotten to be honest yourself. 

“Of course I’m yours,” you said. “I love you, Ben. So much, I can hardly take it.” 

He closed his eyes with furrowed brows. It had been a very long time since he’d heard those words. Maybe the first time someone had said them with any real sincerity, besides his mother. 

You encouraged him to look at you, both with your voice and your hand gently touching his face. And when he opened his eyes, you marveled at the depths there. 

Smiling, you guided him back to your lips. It was slow and sweet…until it wasn’t, deepening in passion and urgency again. Need burned inside you, so deep and strong that you couldn't take it anymore.

You slipped a hand between you to grasp his still hard cock. You caressed him a few times, letting your thumb circle around the sensitive head. Ben couldn’t help thrusting into your hand, releasing a grunt. His eyes briefly closed again as you pressed open-mouthed kisses to his neck, down his chest.

“I need you,” you whispered against his skin. Ben nodded while you held his length poised at your entrance. He raised your hips, tucking your ankles over shoulders. For your injured one, he rubbed your calf.

“What a fuckin’ trooper,” he said with a smirk.

You smiled, but it soon fell into a moan as he began to push inside you. Every time, he stretched and filled you completely. Your inner walls wrapped around him and already fluttered with heat.

“Fuck, baby doll. Got me tight as a damn glove,” Ben remarked. You had to giggle, but that just squeezed him harder. When he began to move, it was all you could do to cling to his shoulders.

As basic as the position was, you liked being able to see his face. You knew when to spur him on, and when to just hold on for dear fucking life. But above all, he was a skilled man, and you enjoyed watching him work.

You were so consumed by it that when he came, it took both of you by surprise. He spilled into you hot and deep, but he still filled you with ragged thrusts, which hit that special place inside that made your entire body shudder with pleasure. You couldn’t help but come apart with him.

Your nails bit fruitlessly into his skin as your voice rose on a high moan. The two of you panted for breath, and he pulled out and let down your legs back to the bed. Once you felt the telltale dripping of his release slipping down from between your legs, your eyes widened. 

Oh shit, you thought. “We forgot the condom.”

Ben stared down at you, first in confusion, then in surprise. And finally, with a broad, Cheshire-like grin.

You laid a hand over your eyes as you relaxed into the pillow behind your head, trying not to laugh.

“I can’t believe we just did that,” you said.

“We? I was following your lead,” Ben said. He moved to lay beside you in full satisfaction, folding his hands over his chest. He looked like the cat that caught the horny-ass canary.

"Haven't you heard of, oh, I don't know, pulling out?" you quipped. Ben rose a brow at you, still with that smug look on his face.

"Not my philosophy, sweetheart," he said.

Your mouth dropped open incredulously. Your gaze narrowed, but looking into his gleaming eyes, you really just had to laugh. His smile grew.

Ugh. Whatever, you thought. For now, you closed your legs and moved over to rest your head on his shoulder. He welcomed you with an arm wrapping around your waist.

What’re the chances that I’m ovulating anyway? you thought.

After a beat, you huffed another laugh. With your luck, you’d definitely have to stop at a drugstore for a pregnancy test.

And yet, in times like these, you were happy that you caved when Ben insisted on installing a TV in the bedroom. After you both got cleaned up, it was nice to fall into bed like you used to and find something new to watch together.

There were so many things you wanted him to catch up on, and he was generally game for whatever you thought he might like.

Three episodes of The Office later though, you stopped laughing so much and fell into your thoughts. Ben noticed, tugging on a loose strand of your hair.

“What’s the matter?”

“You really think our apartment is a shithole?” you asked.

He shrugged. “I might’ve embellished.”

“Seriously. If you’re not comfortable here—”

“I’m comfortable,” he said, turning his gaze to you. “Why’re you asking me that now?”

“I don’t know,” you said. “I just want you to be happy here. I want this to feel like home for both of us, but not like, boring either.” 

He smirked. “Hence the caravan of whores and blow.” 

You shook your head with a laugh. But he still saw you trying to stem off that worry. That all this wasn’t enough for him. 

Well, Ben could complain about being cramped in this three-bedroom apartment…but he knew that when he came home, he wouldn’t be alone. 

He’d be able to see your stuff on the nightstand, by your side of the bed, your half of the closet, your sweet-smelling soaps and lotions in the bathroom. All of that was familiar to him now. 

It was home, he supposed. And so were you.

The beginnings of a softer smile curved his lips, but he edged it into a smirk.  

“You’ve got something they don’t,” he said. 

“What’s that?” you asked, raising a brow. 

“You try the ever-living fuck out of my patience,” he said, “unlike anyone on the planet.” 

With a giggle, you rolled over onto his arm and chest, resting your head on his shoulder. 

“Buuut…?” 

He conceded with a nod, if also a roll of his eyes. His arm lifted to once again slip around your waist.

“But no matter how fucked up it got, you stayed.”

With me, his tone implied.

“That’s more than anyone else in my goddamn life,” he said.

And that made you tear up all over again.

“So you’re staying,” you clarified, only half-teasing.

It reminded you of when you’d sat tied to a chair, wondering why the hell Soldier Boy would want to let you live. You could’ve never known it then, but you’d stared straight into the face of your future.

You didn’t know if Ben was remembering the same thing, but he smiled a little, brushing away your tears with his thumb.

“I’m staying,” he replied. Your smile brightened, and you leaned up for a kiss.

“Then we’re square,” you whispered against his lips. 

He chuckled and deepened the kiss. He turned off the TV, chucking the remote further down the bed and turned to trap you beneath him again.

“Nope.” You finished wiping your eyes and pushed against his chest. “You’re not finessing me twice. Go find a damn condom.”

He gave you a grumpy look. “Fucking killjoy.”

“You’re ridiculous,” you laughed. You reached up and took his face in your hands.

“I promised, didn’t I?” you reminded. “We’ll get there.”

His gaze searched yours.

“Soon, not someday,” he said. You nodded, soothing your thumb across his cheek.

“Soon,” you agreed. And you reminded him, even as your throat constricted once more with emotion. “Ben, I love you…God, I love you. And I’ve never wanted this with anyone but you.”

Ben paused, but after a moment, he nodded in acceptance. You were grateful for it. Even though you weren’t quite ready yet, he wasn’t the only one who wanted a family.

While your fractured past and upbringing made it hard for you to move past your fears, your insecurities, you knew that this man made you feel safe.

For the first time in your life, you also felt whole.

Soon enough, you’d be brave too.

AN: That's all, folks. Been a great ride...

Ha! Just kidding. I'm nowhere near done with these two, even with this long-ass epilogue lol.

But honestly, no matter what part of the journey you jumped into with this story, thank you so much for sticking with me until the end. It's truly been one of my favorite stories ever to write. And I'm so glad I got the chance to share it with you. 🥹💚🥹

Next Time:

Ready for Part 2 (of 3) of "Love Actually"?

(AKA: Ben is forced to attend Christmas dinner to meet his girlfriend's whole family.)

Here's a sneak peek:

“Hey. What’s taking so damn long?” he asked. His brows were furrowed, mouth set in an aggravated frown. “I already told you. I’m not planning on being at this thing all night. So if you don’t come down here in the next ten minutes, I swear to fucking Christ—” 

Ben stopped short, as he heard your footsteps at the top of the stairs. When he looked up with expectant, pursed lips, his face subtly froze. 

“What? What’re you gonna do?” you teased. Tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, you grasped the guardrail and carefully made your way down the stairs. These heels were no joke...

😂 Until then, let me know what you thought of the BMD finale! 💚💚

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[apollostears]

COLLEGE CONFESSIONS [ jjk ]

↬︎ anime: jujutsu kaisen

↬︎ featuring: nanami kento, suguru geto, fushiguro toji, choso kamo, & satoru gojo

↬︎ warning(s): swearing, college!au, all characters are 18+, mentions of blood

PLOT. in new girl style, you become roommates with five men from your university.

ADVISORY. reader is black and female, unless stated otherwise.

college series

➟︎ meeting the boys was simultaneously the best, and worst, thing that could ever happen to you.

➟︎ on some new girl shit, you ended up rooming with them bc rent was cheap and it was close to campus.

➟︎ nanami, choso, toji, geto, & gojo all lived in this huge penthouse a few blocks down from university (shoutout to them niggas having money). it was two penthouses put into one and it was home to some of the biggest hoes you had ever met.

➟︎ it’s complete chaos.

➟︎ you share a bathroom with toji, whose nonexistent most of the time bc he’s out doin illegal shit (underground fighting) or fuckin random girls.

➟︎ none of them are completely messy, but there has been several times where you have tripped over shoes and slipped on socks because of them.

➟︎ it’s very rare that all of you are in the house at the same time other than to sleep.

➟︎ choso takes you to campus with him since he goes the same time you go. nanami is the one that’ll take you home. or geto. but they will not allow you to ride public transportation.

➟︎ partially because they’re bougie and also because they know how unsafe it is alone on campus.

➟︎ toji owns a small tattoo and piercing shop that choso and geto work at when they aren’t doing internships.

➟︎ besides geto and nanami, nobody cooks. everyone uses the ninja blender though and the air fryer.

➟︎ sometimes, on wash days, you guys will combine shirts and pants to save time but wash everything else separately. everyone but gojo is allowed to wash bc he will fuck up y’all’s clothes.

➟︎ there is a weekend out of every month where you guys just do whatever you want to do. either together or alone.

➟︎ it usually ends up with geto cooking sunday breakfast and all of you watching some movie. maybe even going to a frat party or watching toji fight.

➟︎ they’ve come to like you more than they thought they would. honestly didn’t plan on interacting with you but you grew on them. now they’re your unofficial, official, sugar daddies without the sugar. (although…😉)

➟︎ pls don’t ever buy anything with your own money and let them catch you. they will reimburse you plus interest, for no reason.

➟︎ honestly, you have yet to figure out why they even spoil you the way they do.

➟︎ nanami is a business major with toji. choso is an art major with a focus in architecture and history. gojo is pre-law and geto is a bioengineering major for healthcare services.

➟︎ toji scared the shit out of you at first, all broody and shit. but y’all really bonded after he came back late from a particularly brutal fight and you were up finishing an assignment when you saw him. he looked like he could barely stand and after that, y’all just grew closer.

➟︎ you and gojo have a strong love-hate relationship because how can someone so smart be so dumb?? has gotten you caught up several times.

➟︎ nanami helps you study and it’s so nice because you don’t even ask most of the time, but he’ll hit you up and ask if you have anything you need help with.

➟︎ geto practices his sketches on you all the time to see how it will look.

➟︎ choso and you will use his architecture skills to draw up your dream home 😭. he’s went through ten sketches already.

➟︎ you hang out at the tattoo shop anytime you’re free. sometimes you’ll go there after classes and just do homework until someone comes to the front desk needing help.

➟︎ you cannot play any games with any of these niggas because they ALL CHEAT!

➟︎ choso almost got to scrapping with gojo over a game of chutes and ladders.

➟︎ i feel like nanami likes reading and if you like reading, you guys have your own little book club.

➟︎ gojo takes you on shopping sprees. but it’s literally because he likes going out and drags you with him cause no one else will go.

➟︎ fairytale shit aside…living with these niggas is like fighting demons.

➟︎ nanami got a headache every damn hour bc of gojo so then he snappy like denzel in fuckin training day.

➟︎ toji moody af and releases that anger by having relations almost every night with a new bitch. you can never get sleep and almost always end up sleeping in choso’s room.

➟︎ geto has such a slick mouth, he be causing riots at five am cause he called choso’s mama a hoe. choso don’t play about his mama.

➟︎ gojo will have girls over for the night but never kick them out. so then y’all wakin up to some rando, wearing geto’s shirt that gojo stole and eating nanami’s meal prepped breakfast.

➟︎ you silently escort her out before she witnesses a murder.

➟︎ and ALL five of them purposefully bother you at all hours of the day.

➟︎ talkin to a man? oh, not on geto’s watch. now your ‘boyfriend’ shows up to take you home while threatening the guy you were talking to.

➟︎ you in the shower with the door unlocked again? toji’s coming in to take a shit and gojo’s going to turn the lights off and throw some rubber animal in the shower with you.

➟︎ they both, rightfully so, get they ass beat by you and nanami.

➟︎ thinking about going grocery shopping for the apartment? you better pray to god you leave before them otherwise they will try to tag along and end up adding more shit than necessary, into the cart. y’all once had an $800 grocery bill.

➟︎ gojo stay wearing yo wigs. you don’t complain much bc he’s the one that buys them, and he buys the good kind, but if you see him saying ‘stiff where?’ in the mirror ONE MORE TIME!

➟︎ living with them is a nightmare dressed like a daydream literally.

↬︎ join the taglist: @rubinocore @nyxeclipse @sweeneyblue1 @knjkitten@namjoonswifeyy @sunrayyellowhalo @pimpnameyannie @brownmochi

[saintshigaraki]

HERE, IN THE MORNING LIGHT, IS WHERE WE’LL BARE OUR SOULS

pairing: ushijima wakatoshi x f!reader 

words: 3.2k

excerpt: Really, how many times can you blame Ushijima for breaking your heart when you’re the one who can’t seem to stop handing it to him -- on a silver fucking platter no less. 

a/n: this is...a bit too similar to my bakugou drabble i’ll admit. but i could see a relationship with ushijima having some of the same problems. he’s not purposely cruel, but god, doesn’t that just make it so much worse?

tags: angst, mentions of alcohol, implied sex, reader is full of rage, ambiguous/open ending

in case you want to read it on ao3!

You greet Toshi at the door, as you’ve made a habit of doing when he manages to come home before you’ve fallen asleep.

(Like a well-trained dog, you think, with only the most bitter sort of amusement.) 

When you lift your hand up to cup his face, a sweet hello, love, how was your day? on your lips, he sweeps it aside (gently, of course. He's always so sickeningly gentle when he brushes you aside. You think that might just make the hollow sting of his nonchalant rejection that much worse.)

“Have you made anything for dinner?” he asks, already walking away before you have a chance to pull him down for a kiss. Your arm falls unceremoniously at your side. A deadweight, swinging. 

I think I might hate you, you want to say, so,  so badly. The words are there, right on the tip of your tongue as you stand frozen in the darkened entryway, his shadow stretches, eclipsing you, as he walks further and further away.

But these moments of sweet burning-hot rage pass as quickly as they come and soon -- too soon, maybe, or not soon enough -- you find yourself turning on your heels and shining a too-bright smile, the one that shows too many teeth and leaves an ache in your cheeks. 

“Not yet, love, but I can whip up something real quick.” 

The words taste like lead in your mouth.

(Or maybe that's just the blood from biting your tongue.)

Who knows, you muse, bitterly, bitingly. What does it matter anyway? 

You make your way towards the kitchen.

+

Later that night, after he’s finished fucking you into the mattress, he grunts out an I love you, before rolling over and promptly falling asleep. 

His cum is sticky and uncomfortable as it cools on your burning thighs. 

You stare at the lights sweeping across the ceiling from the passing cars and try to remember days when you didn’t feel as though someone had hollowed out everything that made you and filled in the empty space with barely contained rage. 

Rationally, you know you weren’t always so unhappy with Ushijima. You loved him -- you still do -- you have for years. You could barely contain your tears of joy when he asked you to marry him and you didn’t manage to contain them at all the day you officially tied the knot. 

You were so happy then. So, so, happy. 

What happened? 

(You know exactly what happened.)

You’ve made sacrifice after sacrifice for him. Moved from country to country. Left your family and friends behind more times than you can count. Because you love Toshi. Because you love him more than anything. And because he loves you, though you know he doesn’t love you more than anything. It’s a selfish gripe to have. A rather dumb one too. Of course he doesn’t love you more than volleyball. Why should he? He’s dedicated his whole life to the sport. Countless hours, countless injuries, and setbacks, and he’s persevered through it all because that's what he does. Because that sport, that court, that stupid fucking ball, is what he loves above all else. 

It’s not as if you jumped into this marriage wholly and totally blind. You’re not dumb. You knew volleyball was going to be a priority in his life,  the priority. And you thought you could handle that. You did handle it. For 5 years you’ve handled it, the constant moving, the last minute canceled plans, the weeks of him traveling that have left you all alone for near months at a time in a cold home with a cold bed. You’ve handled it all with a too-wide smile plastered painfully across your face. 

But things have -- shifted, recently. Maybe it’s the pressure of what could very well be his last Olympics coming up in these next few years, maybe it’s the fear of someone younger, better, stronger than him taking his place, or maybe, he simply doesn’t give all that much of a  fuck about you anymore. 

(You know that’s not true. Wakatoshi loves you. You know that. Which is what makes this all so much worse.)

I love you, isn’t that enough? he’d said bluntly, and maybe a bit confused, last time you brought up your concerns after the third canceled date in a row. 

His words had made you pause. Was it enough? Why isn’t it enough? Shouldn’t it be enough?

At the time, you’d thought, maybe. Maybe I can make it enough. 

A year later and you’ve come to the realization that it simply -- isn’t enough. Maybe if you were a different person, a slightly better person, it’d be enough. But you’re not. You’re you, a strange, toxic concoction of hollow fury and selfish desires (for comfort, for love, for anything more than whatever this is).

You roll over on your side to face your husband. He’s on his back, like he always is when he sleeps, completely dead to the world. 

He’s statuesque, unmovable, untouchable, even now. 

You gently brush your finger over his brow, sweeping his hair to the side, and tracing his strong jawline. You’ve done this a thousand times. You’ve memorized every curve, every freckle, every scar. You’ve mapped countless constellations across his skin. 

You don’t hate him, you realize, in the dark suffocating silence of the night. Not yet, at least. There’s still too much love for him in your heart. Still too many memories of brighter days. Sweeter days. Gentler days. 

He’s been good to you. As good as a man like him is capable of being. And you love him so, so dearly for it. 

He has tomorrow off, maybe -- maybe you should talk to him. There’s still time to salvage this. There’s still so much love for him in your heart, enough to drive out the hate. You know it. 

He has tomorrow off, you repeat to yourself. The first full day he’s taken off in a month. 

You’ll talk to him then. 

You have to. 

+

The morning light is what wakes you. The gentle rays kiss your cheeks so sweetly. 

Without fully opening your eyes, you reach towards Ushi only to be met with -- cool sheets. 

Your stomach drops painfully and it's as though he’s taken your heart in his hands and just squeezed. 

You open your eyes, wearily, tiredly, and the morning light no longer seems so sweet. It’s mocking. A cruel, bitter reminder of better days and broken promises. 

You crawl out of bed, trying to stay optimistic -- maybe he just went for a morning jog -- even though you know that on days he has off he likes to sleep in. You try desperately to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he promised and you want so badly to still be able to believe him, even after everything. 

He used to have every Saturday and Sunday free, then around three years ago it turned into every Sunday, then a year and a half ago it turned into every other Sunday, and recently -- well, it’s been a while. A long, long while. 

But he promised he’d stay home today. 

He promised, you repeat as you stumble around the apartment only to find it painfully silent, empty, and so, so cold. 

You collapse on the couch, hunched over, your head hanging pitifully into your hands. You take a deep, pathetically shaky breath. 

And then you laugh. 

You laugh so hard you nearly heave. 

Two years ago, you would’ve cried. A year ago, you would’ve screamed. 

But now? Who do you really have to blame, but yourself? How can you not laugh? How can you not laugh at just how stupid and gullible you are? 

Really, how many times can you blame Ushijima for breaking your heart when you’re the one who can’t seem to stop handing it to him -- on a silver fucking platter no less. 

This is your fault. And it has been for a long while now. 

It’s time to move on. 

+

You book a one-way flight home -- you haven’t been back in so long. Too long, you know. You stuff as much as you can into your single suitcase and pitiful carry-on bag. It’s all strangely methodical and robotic. You’re calmer than you’ve been in months. 

This is how it was always going to end. Honestly, you don’t think there was really supposed to be another option, any other way out. You don’t think this mess was ever going to be fixed. It was stupid of you to ever believe otherwise. 

By the time you’ve managed to compose yourself, get your affairs in order, and meticulously pack away as much as you can, the sun has started to dip below the horizon. 

The clock reads 9:18 PM. Your flight is in a few hours. You’ll have to get going soon. 

You pick out the nicest, most expensive bottle of red wine in your home. You were going to save it for when Ushi made the national team again but, as you’ve learned rather painfully, sometimes plans change. 

You pour yourself a glass, but in the end, can’t bring yourself to take a single sip. 

That’s how Ushi finds you, sitting at the kitchen table, toying with a glass of wine. There’s only the lone kitchen light lit in the apartment. The shadows dance around him, dark and monstrous, ready to swallow you both whole. 

Wakatoshi has never been particularly skilled at reading social cues but you can tell from the slight tilt of his head that he knows somethings wrong. You wonder if he knows exactly how wrong. 

(Not that it would really change anything if he did.)

The thud of his gym bag hitting the floor echoes too loudly in the silent apartment. 

He steps into the kitchen like he does all other things -- with purpose, with confidence. It will never not leave you in awe, even now, how sure he always is of himself. He’s a blunt force weapon, he always has been, and you can’t imagine a time where he’ll be anything but. 

He stops at the opposite end of the table. It’s the beginning of the same song and dance you two have done time and time again when he breaks his little promises. 

His big ones too. 

(You think of when he had missed your five-year anniversary dinner for a last-minute practice. He hadn’t forgotten about the reservation, he’d told you after he’d returned home to you sitting alone at the kitchen table, half-drunk and livid, but people were relying on him, is what he’d said, and there’s always next year.)

This routine is comforting, if only in the cruelest way. 

We can put on a show, just this last time, you think. For old time’s sake. 

Your eyes fall back down to your glass as you speak. “You said you’d stay home today.”

You look back up just in time to see him opening his mouth. No doubt getting ready to cycle through the same set of excuses he’s been using for the past four years. 

A teammate called. 

I needed the extra practice. 

There’s a skill I need to perfect. 

The Olympics are 4 years away...3 years away...2 years away....you know that, love.

And, of course, no matter his reason, his excuse, he always makes sure to add, I’ll stay home next Sunday, I promise. 

He doesn’t intend for that last part to be cruel, you’re sure of it, but God, if that doesn’t make it so much worse. 

You cut him off before he can even start. “You promised.”

His brows furrow at your exhausted, weary tone. “There was a team meeting today, I’m sorry I forgot to mention it to you. It went on longer than I expected it would. We can still go out to dinner if you’d like.” 

You give him a sad sort of smile. You’re too tired to give him any other. “I don’t think I’ll have time for that, love.”

Ushijima’s left brow twitches, as it always does when he doesn’t quite understand what’s going on. 

He takes a step forward, around the table. “What do you mean? Are you going out tonight?” 

You shake your head softly. “No, Toshi.”

You can’t help but wish more than anything, that it didn’t have to come to this, because you have loved him so much, so deeply, and you think that for it to end like this is a disservice to you both. 

His jaw clenches, no doubt already trying to contain his frustration. He’s probably tired after his long day. An argument over something like this is probably the last thing he wants. A good wife would care more. A good wife might’ve persevered, smiled through her husband's little lies and shattered promises. A good wife might’ve tried harder. A good wife might’ve dug her heels in, instead of letting go completely. 

But you’re not a good wife. Not now, at least. For all you know, you never were. You’ve always been just a bit too bitter, too selfish, too flawed. Not willing enough to throw yourself on the metaphorical altar for him. 

He’s close enough now that he can see the suitcase at your side. It stops him dead in his tracks. 

“What’s going on?” His tone is hard, demanding, but you know him too well to miss the fear that pulls at the corner of his eyes. 

Ushijima Wakatoshi is a lot of things. But he’s certainly not dumb. He has to know what’s going on. He has to have known that, eventually, this was what was going to happen. 

You stand up slowly, bracing your palms against the rough wood of the tabletop. 

“I-” you let out a harsh, mean breath. You hate that you’re doing this. But you’d hate yourself more if you didn’t. And you know you’d grow to hate him too, eventually, if you stay. You’re burning up here in this home, each broken promise and cold night add fuel to the already raging fire. You’ll be nothing but ashes soon enough. “I can’t do this anymore, Wakatoshi.” 

His pretty olive eyes narrow. The look he gives you is practically glacial. His fury has always been so, so cold. A stark contrast to your burning rage. 

He takes a deep breath. “I don’t understand.” His words are slow, methodical, and too even.

They crack open something violent inside your chest, something with teeth. Something mean and ugly and so, so sad. 

Too many years of biting your tongue have culminated into this moment. It’s time to strip yourself to the bone, to the ugly marrow. No matter how painful or awful. 

Don’t you two deserve that, at least? Don’t you two deserve to part ways having seen the worst of each other? 

“Of course you don’t understand, Ushijima,” you spit out, caustic and cruel. “How can you?” The laugh you let out is ripped from the very bottom of your heart, mean and poisonous. “Or more accurately, why would you? Why would you even bother understanding? It’s not like my unhappiness has ever really meant anything to you before-”

He cuts in sharply. “You know that’s not true.”

“No,”  you hiss. “I don’t. How can I? I’ve been miserable for years now, left to beg for scraps of your attention like a fucking dog. I’ve reduced myself to this pathetic creature. I-” tears cloud your vision, far faster than you can blink them away. “I don’t even recognize myself anymore, Ushijima. I’m so--I’m so angry all the time and if I stay here that’s going to be all that’s left of me.”

It’s silent after your outburst and in the air is something awful and too great. You’re both teetering on the edge of something terrifying. 

“If you stay with me, you mean,” he says, finally, and far too soft for a man like him. All signs of his previous fury have fled and in his eyes is a painful sort of vulnerability.

Your anger dissipates with his, mostly because you’re so fucking tired of being angry. 

Is it really his fault, anyway? What exactly were you expecting of him, when you took his last name? Were you really wanting him to change something so fundamental, so ingrained in his soul, just for you? How unfair of you, you realize now, how cruel. 

“Toshi.” You’re exhausted. And so sick of being second best. “This is more my fault than it is yours. I thought I could handle what being married to you would entail but I was,” -- you laugh, far less biting than before-- “very wrong.” You close your eyes, unable to look at him. “And now I suppose we’re both paying the price for it.” 

“I love you,” he says, bluntly. “And you love me.”

You’re finally able to meet his eyes again. You take in the planes of his face, the subtle pain etched into every corner, a brutal, beautiful reflection of the years you’ve spent by his side. 

“I do love you, Ushijima. More than anything.” 

“Then why are you doing this?” 

You swallow hard. “Sometimes, that just isn’t enough, Toshi. Relationships require more than love. They require work, and compromise, and some semblance of care and dedication, and you just-- you just don’t have the time for that right now, and I understand that. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. I deserve-” you stop and give yourself a moment to choose your words carefully, lovingly because you’re desperate for him to just understand. “We deserve better, don’t you think?”

He shakes his head, his hair falls in his eyes. You sweep it aside, a force of habit after all these years, something you’ve done a million and one times. Before you can jerk your arm back he grips it in his large hand. His fingers wrap around your wrist, unyielding. 

“I need you,” Toshi says, uncharacteristically desperate. You can feel the heat radiating off his chest. It's a twisted sort of comfort. Knowing this may very well be the last time you’ll be in this position. 

You smile, sweetly and a bit sadly. “No, you don’t, Ushi. You need volleyball. You need the thrill of the game and the taste of victory but you don’t need me. You’ve never needed me. And that’s okay.” You lift your other hand up to brush the stray tear that’s fallen from his eye. He nuzzles into your palm before you can move it, clinging to you like some sort of lifeline. “It’ll be okay, Toshi, we’ve just reached the end of our road. That’s all.”

He raises a shaky hand to trace the dried tracks of tears on your cheek, it’s startling to see him so uncomposed. “Please,” he nearly begs, “don’t do this.”

In your heart, there’s an odd brew of grief and rage and pain and love so mean you know you’ll feel the ache of it for years to come. 

You think of all the shattered promises he’s left at your feet, you think of the gentle way he’s held you through the years, you think of his string of nonchalant rejection, you think of yourself, bright and burning. 

Your mind spins from it and all you can do is rest your head against his chest and close your eyes.

a/n pt 2: there is some untapped potential in the fed up housewife genre and i am determined to unearth it. also i love ushi i promise i think he’d be a great husband under most circumstances