#it wasn't dissociating but it was something
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Lore/HC: Underlined text links to original post👇
[For Character answered QnA and general "asks" click here]
You're welcome to expand on my ideas in your own way, but please credit me so they don't mix up with my own HCs/design choices.
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Sonic & Shadow:
-Mobians hedgehogs "Anoit" their partners
-Sonadow children ideas
-related to the above, "WOULD sonic and shadow have kids?"
-Fave HCs/ what's it like living with rouge/ where's sonic live?
-Does shadow like/play any instruments?
-who likes to cuddle more?
-Sonic is an accidental flirt.
-Shadow's stripes will become more like the Black Arms emblem over time. His paws are already very similar... do you think his head stripes will change as he ages?
-Sonic grew up alongside Amy and other orphans/broken families. He cares for her a lot but can only see her as a sister-- the same way he sees Tails as his brother--so the idea of a relationship with her disgusts him. Maybe he sees Sonia when he looks at her?
-Before Sonic, Shadow and Rouge fell into a relationship. Shadow assumed they shared a deeper past, given how much Rouge knows and how comfortable she is around him. But really, Shadow didnt know what he wanted, assuming it just was this way. Rouge wasn't sure either, just trying to help Shadow in some way. That said, they learned a lot about themselves and eachother as they opened up-- but in the end deciding to return to just friends...Although it would take some time to feel normal again.
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Shadow & Maria:
-Shadow's has dissociative fugue
-baby shadow (shadow and maria)
-Why Shadow knows how to swim
-Maria would have been a menace
-Maria told Shadow to comb his white fur up, so he looks more presentable, teasing, "You have a little built in tuxedo! See? Such a gentle-hog." :)
-I think Shadow liked sleeping in maria's bed. It was probably of great comfort to Maria during her sicker days... He was always being watched, so when they gave him his own bed/room, it must have felt isolating and alone. Do you think he had to wear pajamas so he wouldn't leave any fur in her bed?
-Some scientists/maria used to pet shadow and fluff up his cheeks, to Robotnik's displeasure. Shadow only recently learned that's something you do to your pet... he kind of misses it though.
-This is canon: Abraham Towers (commander) and Shadow grew up alongside each other, though their time was short. Ab was terrified of Shadow, because he saw Doom helping Gerald. He would warn the other's that shadow was some kind of demon, but Maria only became more protective of Shadow. He wasn't just an experiment to her, he was a person. As she became sicker, Ab blamed Shadow. But 50 years later, he finally understands and is trying to build some kind of bridge with Shadow, even allowing Shadow to visit his baby granddaughter. Just like Shadow, he let his anger and pain drive his choices.
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AU ideas: Feel free to expand on these in your own way, just credit me for the initial idea, so it doesn't get mixed up as canon in my own HC lore lol.
-AU where Shadow is created on mobius
-Scene from the above AU where shadow is created on mobius
-Return to mobius/search for sonic's mom AU (idea)
-Return of Doom (AU where Shadow is copied and Doom controls shadow's old body)
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Other characters:
-Metal sonic in my HC
-more metal sonic HC
-Manic is Scourge, who'd been sent into a zone for safety during the first bombing, only be have been lost to the "other" Mobius. He got a little crazy after that... No one knows what happened to Sonic's sister. It's assumed she died in the first Eggman attack. (or you could go with trans sonic hc? Would be an interesting/wholsome moment between Sonic & Shadow when he reveals it.)
-Omega is basically metal shadow...
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#hc#sonic hc#sonic au#the toll#shadow the hedgehog#sonic the hedgehog#sonadow#sonic x shadow#shadow#shadonic#ark siblings
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today has beennnnn hmmmmmmmm
#this morning was a little crazy#i was lying the dark doing nothing for hours#and then at some point i was listening to the new jasmine.4.t album and my mind started like drifting off#it was very weird#it wasn't dissociating but it was something#and then it was like a dream but i was awake and it felt like it was really really happening to me#i could like. see my friend coming into my room#and lying in bed with me#and hugging me#and i cried and it felt like i was crying onto their shoulder#it was.#it made me sad#and i still feel sad#and doing anything has felt impossible all day
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I had to call out of work for major dehydration reasons (AC is out and I work with dogs, I'll be fine once it's fixed) but damn I AM kinda glad I won't have to keep telling my coworkers to shut the hell up about all the results as they're counted lest I dissolve into a puddle of stress and go down the floor drains with the pee and shit tbh.
#Do not disrupt my intense and ongoing dissociation about this thanks#Was talking to someone who has lived in Illinois their whole life and was raised by activists#And they were like actually voting for Jill stein is a protest in Illinois because my vote does not matter. We'll be blue no matter what.#I wasn't raised by activists so what do I know but also. That doesn't sound right.#They considered it a privilege to be able to 'throw away' their vote and to their credit#They have extensively researched the 60 something judges and school board officials also up for election#Like they're not just blowing smoke here but. Really?
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trying to work out how much pain is normal after having teeth removed because like, we're in less pain than before the surgery, but we are in pain and weirdly the pain was mildest the day after the surgery and then started bothering us more the day after that.
our gums have felt noticeably better each day, but the pain is mostly in our jaw and that pain has been relatively consistent since day 3, and it's kind of like a dull ache in the bone. kind of a combination between migraine pain (but just in our jaw) and feeling like I've been punched in the face. it's mostly on the left side where they pulled out the molar that the dentist tried to remove in May but couldn't because it was too sensitive.
idk if it's just because the roots on that one were really deep and had like, an awkward curved shape and were apparently very close to the nerve, but it does keep making me paranoid that something's wrong even though I know logically your jaw is in fact going to be painful after having a tooth pulled out and we were expecting more pain than this and seem to have gotten relatively lucky with it
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#<- kind of?#also we've been getting more migraines which might be from our jaw clenching a lot and our ability to eat properly being kinda fucked#and we've just been very worn out which I guess is to be expected when recovering from surgery#but we also keep getting nerve pain in our face and generally feeling unwell in a way where I can't quite tell what's wrong#we're still hallucinating a lot too and have had a lot of dissociative seizures which isn't super surprising#but I'm not used to having that many in such a short amount of time. we had a bunch of them in one day and it wasn't great#oh also our stomach is fucked. it almost feels like we've got food poisoning or something and it's been like that since the surgery#idk what's happening there but it fucking sucks
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I just had to share this video because holy shit, it hits the nail right on the head! So well spoken. This stuff needs to be circulated more, esp with the growing number of people thinking they have this because of misinformation, or just outright faking it.
#it's painful because i knew someone who personally faked this stuff (or has convinced herself she has it i can't even tell)#she had spent all her time on tiktok and i know for 100% sure that's where she got the idea. it's TRAGIC how fast things went downhill#i'm legit horrified at how many people (esp young kids of 13-14) think they have this too. or are just pretending#i've been neck deep in hardcore research (and i'm talking pubmed sciencedirect etc only) for months#and those kids definitely don't have did.. if they have trauma and are dissociating it's going to be something else like dpdr etc#the number of stupid 'you have did' answers i see for totally basic questions like 'i got dizzy what's wrong w me' is insane too#it's like googling 'muscle twitch' and then thinking you have some rare 1/billion familial cancer thing despite other obvious explanations#but worse.. in these cases the information is being fed to them. they don't have an opportunity to explore other possibilities#and the worst part is they don't even know to CHECK THE VALIDITY OF WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE SAYING. they don't have info literacy#like i'll say this once: did is so rare that it's STILL contentious about whether it even exists#and it only happens in the most unimaginably traumatic experiences. think of the worst possible things you could do to a child#where even just thinking about it makes you uncomfortable. THAT'S the kind of trauma that leads to did. the truly evil stuff.#i'm not even gonna start on the BITE model shenanigans that are happening in the 'did' communities either#or how the people who used to be in them (and got out) always equate them to self-harming cults that celebrated not finding real answers#they got told they were 'perfect the way they were' despite having OBVIOUS psychological issues they needed help for#(it just wasn't did)#they were assured their 'did was valid no matter what'. toxic positivity ig? it just delayed their real diagnosis and ability to get help#but now you have gluts of people like in the video 'talking to themselves' and people on tumblr posting one-liners of 'alters' talking#one after the other within seconds. and i want to fcking cry because it's the same exact shit my friend did before she cut ties#the did/tourettes/ftlb stuff has literally been called a 'mass sociogenic illness' in multiple academic studies#but like qanon believers they seem to immediately discredit anyone who mentions this with 'you're just ableist' so anything you say is poo#aka you're part of the problem you're an 'ableist' so your legit info even though legit isn't valid/acceptable/real/whatever. i'm tired fam#did#dissociative identity disorder#osdd#ddnos#munchausen syndrome#mass psychogenic illness#ableism
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"wow you're acting kinda.. slow today. Are you good?" Ok yeah just call me out for being depressed I guess
#I honestly don't even notice it until I'm around other people#And then suddenly it's like everyone else is the fucking road runner or something#Happens when I'm in a “manic” state too just the opposite. People telling me to slow the fuck down#im p sure they put this on those questionnaire things for Bipolar but I'm p sure it's just my BPD#Also had to clarify that I wasn't high. Just mentally ill and dissociative
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apparently we're not out of the woods on holiday trauma responses just yet - i'm hoping we're on the tail end of it but like. good lord.
#this post brought to you by#dissociating so hard i had to quit playing magic#it wasn't that far into the game and i don't know wtf is going on with this but like. christ.#i'm so tired of having to come down from huge crying jags and panic and the fear of my mother coming to Get Me for not being Good Enough#like#what the fuck man#i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this#i thought i was DONE with the goo stage what do you MEAN there's more#cofronting has at least been less chaotic with only a couple people manning the helm at any given time#but like....christ alive can i just like. i don't know#how do you ask for vacation days off from your own brain? cause i'm exhausted man#i'm exhausted with this shit how is this the way i gotta go through life every day#like i could quit food service when i felt like this - and i did#but like. you can't opt out of your shifts in brain because that's where you live y'know?#ugh. i'm...something is wrong and i don't know what i did to fuck up this time but i don't like this#phrasing intentional to mean ''i have done an activity or action that has caused some sort of disruption in my brain that has made things#more difficult for myself due to brain chemistry and it has been relatively recently''#i don't think it's the meds i'm fairly certain it's the mental illness i already know about and am aware of it's just kicking up a fuss#because i don't enjoy this time of year and i won't start being Cool about things until january starts up properly#and there's always the risk it'll continue on through that due to other circumstances but i'm really hoping it'll just calm down#because the Threat of Christmas Celebration isn't imminent#(we *very* rarely celebrated past couchweek and that was usually involving a lot of travel so once january is here and Festivities die down#i'll start hopefully feeling more like a coherent person and not just a miserable ball of trauma)#anyway. i'm...gonna wait for dinner to be done and i can eat that and then maybe i schedule some i do not exist time to myself where#i just am in my room making no noise and pretending i don't exist but like it's a positive thing and not a negative one#because if i don't exist my ribs can't hurt and also the trauma can't gets me#(this is mostly a joke don't worry about it too much i rarely actually request Quiet Alone Time)#normally i just sorta Acquire it and vibe#until i am reminded i have a physical form and the world can inflict forces upon me
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year six of being salty that around halfway through RoS the writers went 'shit we accidentally wrote five way too sympathetic and reasonable, and he is rapidly going through a redemption arc. quick shove in random serial killer shit out of nowhere without explanation, which completely contradicts his character and its development up til then. wait fuck he's redemption arcing EVEN HARDER in FoT. shit shit shit okay just make him hannibal lecter'
#lorien legacies#LL number five#LL crit tag#the crit files#five hurting people is something he consistently has to work himself up toward by turning them into an Object of Hatred#and/or having someone else encourage him to do so#because hurting people /fucks him up/ even when he hates them#and after that has hit its breaking point of emotional intensity he just. stops wanting to hurt them#wants to help them or at least for them to be alright in fact; even when they've treated him horrifically#and when that breaking point results in doing irreversible harm he regrets it SO MUCH#he has to spend a month dissociating and keeping himself busy every waking hour not to break the fuck down over what he did to ethan#and he DOES break the fuck down over killing eight#like even if he thought well of eight in particular by comparison he's been stoked up to hate the other garde in general#which leads pretty quickly to regret and total lack of malice toward the garde after the showdown in florida#he is completely broken over it#even /nine/ he loses 'i want this person hurt' animosity toward after florida. in fact animosity at all that we see after that initial#monologue over eight's body; where he's having his big moment of realizing he has more hatesinking to regret than just hurting eight#and he doesn't say he wants nine to suffer. he just says it wasn't worth helping him because he thinks he'd just throw it away#the only time we see him kill someone and not seem too fucked up about it is when it's a mog soldier who presumably knew what he was#signing up for; and was literally swinging a sword at five's head#five fucks me up because at heart he just does not have real malice in him. if he is feeling it something has gone terribly wrong#not as in ~lol of course it has he's crazy~ but as in 'if you supposedly feel fine but are under so much stress that you're having constant#shakes and heart palpitations that is not your default state of being; you are being bent in half and you're eating yourself'#so them randomly going uhmmm ACTUALLY he's a BLOODTHIRSTY SADISTIC SERIAL KILLER who carves his number into a rando's chest#for no reason; and lets people regenerate rather than kill them so he can savor hacking them apart over and over; and drools over murdering#as many people as he can including two random mog guards that happened to be in him and ella's way is like. fuck off lmao#even if you try to go with him turning the mogs into a hatesink for what they've done he would go into a breakdown spiral as soon as it#resulted in killing someone and actually seeing them suffer. the other exception to this that we see before the character assassination#started was deltoch but i do feel like there's an explanation there; it doesn't feel Jarring; but will have to think about it#anyway five has some great moments in UaO but it's really frustrating trying to pick through the bullshit for Actual Characterization
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hi so. i don’t know how to best describe this which is why i’m not really able to seek out these sources on my own but. would anybody happen to know more about like... plurality (not systemhood, but like, having other people around) in BPD? because i’m wondering if that’s something i should uh read up about.
#nightmare.personal#nightmare.system#because people keep telling me that my alters are going to come back but i'm going to be honest#it has been like several months and any time one of them has 'shown up'#it's been extremely brief (back in january) or something i exaggerated hoping it wasn't just me around#so i'm losing hope that there's actually other people and now i'm trying to figure out what all these clearly dissociative symptoms#were because of. so.
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to be honest i find a lot of the things on that poll unfunny at best and godawful annoying at worst. g*ncharov was the most annoying shit ever, the colour theory joke is overdone, the colour of the sky post is ages old now please let it die, etc etc
#literally could not stand g*ncharov it gave me such gross vibes#it reminded me of like. when people bully you by trying to convince you something is TOTALLY real#idk how to explain it but. that#i know that makes me sound like an annoying special snowflake trigglypuff but consider that's what i am#i am also prone to dissociative episodes. so. im glad it wasn't popular when i was in one#transmission
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#fighting all the bad thoughts today but in doing so had a dissociative episode at work lol#[sigh] the new job is good and i really do want to stay there#but i also feel like i'm trying too hard not trying enough and just fucking up everything i thought i knew#like it shouldn't be hard!!! i know this stuff!!! i did it for 6 fucking years!!!!#so why did all of my knowledge about anything just fly out the fucking window#to the point that i make such stupid mistakes???#i just.......#feel so small.#i thought i knew more i thought i was better but i'm just not and i hate this#i don't wanna lose this job#i'll be damned if i go crawling back to my old job#but at the same time i almost want to go back#because at least there my knowledge was worth something and i knew what to do#but that's also just the adaptation to abuse talking in my ear and making me think that i'd rather be in something i know#no matter how toxic and bad it is for me#idk today just wasn't a good day#cyndy speaks
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mmmm I disagree. but I can see that this is a nuanced conversation. it seems like the core issue here is with saying "if you used to read a lot, you were dissociating," which is a broad generalization to make.
#felt like saying something because I WAS dissociating#and that's not a bad thing! it's neutral#recognizing dissociation is not automatically pathologizing it. bc dissociation is not inherently bad!#dissociation is simply a tool the body uses to separate itself from what it can't handle.#tbh reading was not always joyful. it was not always out of curiosity or intellect. sometimes it was just a NEED.#I would spend hours glued to books and then the hours when I wasn't reading I was in a daze thinking about the books#I would be sitting at the dinner table trying to snap out of my haze but I couldn't. I was in a cloud.#it concerned my mother lol. she didn't let me read certain immersive series until I was older bc she knew I got sucked into them so deeply#apparently I needed it
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Yeah my sense of self is WAY too fragile to fuck around with ai images oh boy
#my beloved friend who is not chronically online wanted to show me an ai thing#she's never heard any arguments against it and is blessedly sheltered from our brainrot#i will explain the things later if she wants to know them#seeing her revel in the technologic advancement of it all was too good lol I couldn't burst her bubble it wasn't in me#but it can recreate faces pretty accurately#and change your hair and give you tattos and different expressions and outfits#i will be experiencing something between dissociation and an exestential crisis for the next 48 hour period thank you
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I keep noticing our brain being a little iffy about a couple of things today that I think we'd been repressing a lot lately and that's not ideal because it means we'll probably unrepress it more and be upset about it later, but at the same time it's like, oh hello there, I know this particular sadness. I've spent a lot of time with it and I recognise it whenever it comes back and I'm less surprised to see it again and more surprised it went away for this long. time to spend another evening with it and be gentle with ourselves and just let our brain feel whatever it needs to
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#<- maybe? I'm upset and the thing I'm upset about is something that really fucked us up#but it's been a little while since it's come up and now it's like... oh this is a familiar thing and not a new thing I'm having to deal wit#it's grief specifically and I have complicated feelings about it#this year's been a shitshow and this specific grief kind of took a backseat and got repressed and we definitely hadn't processed it#so we felt weird about it suddenly disappearing because we knew it wasn't that we were suddenly okay#so now it's simultaneously weird and upsetting to experience it again#but also confirmation that our brain was doing exactly what we thought it was#I have a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings that I can't put into words because wow grief is messy and complicated#have you ever grieved and realised you were starting to not think about them as often anymore and then panicked#because you're scared of forgetting or not feeling anything so when you do feel upset you're almost relieved?#it probably wouldn't have been as bad but our brain kind of blocked out the positive feelings along with the sadness#because dissociation isn't very precise in what it blocks out#and it made us panic because we couldn't seem to access any feelings and it all felt very distant and vague
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,
#tag talk#said out loud “I've felt drunk for the past week” and suddenly realized no you idiot that's dissociation#anyway. I've been floating on clouds for a while and I'm absolutely not complaining it feels nice#restarting my meds is maybe what's doing it.#going off and then back on my meds has just been a wild ride all around#oh well. I gotta stay quirky and weird somehow right?#I've been thinking a lot about my breakup and how it wasn't even because of anything except that I got bored of him#and even playing aoe with him is getting boring cause his skill level is way behind me#the only person who moves the same speed as me is my brother. so I'm gonna go with him wherever he goes#I do like him a lot. but also there's the knowledge that if I don't stick with him I'll be way more lonely#moving out with someone else would guarantee that I'm leaving the only person in life who actually gets me#and I would be depriving him of the only other person who even kind of gets him (I won't say I get him fully cause that's a lil arrogant)#idk. I don't dislike it. but I'm trapped nonetheless. my course in life is laid out for me because I have no one else.#I love him but I wish I had more than one person who I could stand being around longer than a few months#idk. I do feel more conscious right now. more aware. I'm glad I have him.#I just wish I wasn't so fundamentally incompatible with every other person except him.#we're damaged in very similar ways and so we match. even the rest of my siblings don't click with me the same way#I guess I'm lucky to have him. if I didn't I would be 100% dead right now#which... certainly would be the easier simpler option#but oh well. I'm cursed to live on this earth until he eventually offs himself#we have a pact that we're gonna talk about the suicide beforehand to turn it into a murder mystery or something#he said he wants my skull if I go first. which honestly would be cool as hell. I'd be happy with my skull sitting on his bookshelf#he wants to travel and he's lined up to have a good job to let him do that. so I think I'll end up coming along#idk. we're together for life because both of us are so incapable of making other meaningful friendships#even his closest friends bother him constantly and he struggles to connect with them#so we vibe in that regard.#sorry if this is depressing as hell. it's just.. idk. we both are likely and certain that we won't die of natural causes#but life keeps getting better. I've got plans to go back to nursing next year and I'm medicated so I should be able to make it through#I've had my current job for over a year which is a personal record for me so I'm kinda stoked about that#I'm getting bored of it but so it won't last forever but nursing should get me something new to work on
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If I absolutely have to feel like shit could it at least be cause I let it happen again instead of cause I feel like I didn't do good enough
#beatin myself over the head w/ a stick like YOU. DO. NOT. NEED. HIS. APPROVAL.#he's just tryin to dig in any insecurity he can get his goddamn hands on it doesn't mean shit#like yea i know i'm ~ outta practice ~ cause that literally just means i'm not performin at a professional fucking level#you couldn't tell the difference if you stopped tRYIN TO SHOVE THINGS DOWN MY FUCKING THROAT FFS#i shoulda just walked out but it. doesn't even register til much later cause of all the praise n cause i'm probably dissociating like hell#like. are you fucking negging me#yes. yes he is#or some other adjacent tactic that rly shouldn't work on me anymore but here we are#it'd be funny if it wasn't so damn pathetic#which is smth i say a lot lately#i have no idea if i should like......try to give myself some credit for the few boundaries i did manage to hold#cause i mean i did......refuse to sleep anywhere near him w/o surveillance#especially not in the damn car cause i could end up literally anywhere#my mistake was compromisin on the sex stuff cause when i say no it becomes a negotiation n i always end up agreeing to smth#which woulda been fine if he didn't then go on to be a dick about that something#n also if it wasn't pretty fucked up to take it as a negotiation startin point#if i say i don't wanna have sex you know damn well i mean the entire thing no matter how many loopholes your definition has#hard limits aren't the fucking startin point for a compromise they're the bottom line#but he knows all that. he's not stupid he just doesn't care.#meanwhile i'm a fucking idiot for lettin him get away w/ it#i was doin so well. i mean sure i was losin my fucking mind but i wasn't even struggling not to go to him#why can't he just fucking leave me alone if i'm not even a good fuck anymore#spdrvent
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