#it was with my mum i think she didnt really like it she certainly doesnt get why i would like it more than sherlock

[capaldiera]

started watching granada holmes for the first time

[aquarii-writes]

Dsmp Headcanons

So ngl I've been really into the dream smp recently and I've been doing a bit of art for it so why not give my headcanons? Also all of these are for the characters not the content creators

Notes: the song referenced in Karl's headcanons is seasonal feathers music box version. This is all I have for now. I’ve lurked around the fandom since about early February and beware this is fucking long

WARNINGS: In some of these I do mention dead parents(various), death in general and as an entity(Philza), alcoholism(Schlatt), and traumatic experiences. None are in detail but just beware. Oh and a slight suicide warning for Dream

DREAM

Dream got his mask from his father and Drista got hers from their mother

His mask is specifically a gift from his mother after his father died

Dreams mask is infused with dreamons. His parents made a deal with a few dreamons and the dreamons now live in the masks

He will never say what his eye color is because he doesnt care, but if you can catch him without the mask you'll see his eyes are an amber color

He watched his mother commit when he was about 12~ and when Drista was 6. At the time he didnt want to understand why

WILBUR SOOT(plus Ghostbur)

Wilbur's mother is a fox hybrid(cause ya know I live by the saying that canon is my sandbox and a fuckin fridge doesnt make sense)(Momza anyone?)

His beanie is from his mother along with his love of singing

He has records of his parents singing

He has wings it's just that he never learned to fly

Ghostbur can see various other ghosts he just doesnt realize that no one else can see them

Ghostbur has selective amnesia. He genuinely cant remember parts of his life but some moments are too vivid to forget

FOOLISH GAMERS

He can partially shapeshift to make himself bigger or smaller(23 fuckin feet tall without changing height)

His son, Foolish jr, is biologically his and Jr is a demigod

Jr is too small to see the world yet so Foolish keeps him in an enderchest

Foolish is fully a god

He really likes turtles no damn reason

Aside from keeping his son in a chest, Foolish is a relatively good dad

He's a very good builder and rarely takes time to sleep when hes working on a commission for someone

He is most certainly strong enough to break the egg though he doesnt want to get involved for his sons sake

SAPNAP

He is a hybrid blaze born

BBH found Sap in the middle of the Nether playing with a few baby piglins

He met Quacky before Karl but Karl is the reason the three got together

TECHNOBLADE

Dispite how loud the voices can be sometimes l they can be rather peaceful. They really only get violent during fights

(Based off my techno design) the skull techno uses as a mask is a hoglin skull

Personally I dont think Philza adopted Techno as a son but Techno kinda became friends with Philza when he was just a kid

Techno was a very small child: especially in comparison to the village he came from in the Nether

Piglin hybrid piglin hybrid

Does not know who his parents are all he knows is that his glasses are from his mother

He has a baby sister(the two are half siblings; they have the same dad)

He literally doesnt need the glasses he just keeps them for the aesthetic and because its the only thing he has from his mom

He has a soft spot for Michael and Michelle since all three of them are forms of piglins

FUNDY

He has very vague memories of his mother

Looks stupidly similar to is grandmother; momza

He has a picture of Philza and Momza on their wedding day

One day when he was just a kid,like 14ish, he found an old sword that used to be Philzas and just never told Phil that he took it

KARL JACOBS

He's time traveled less after getting engaged to Quackity and Sapnap

Most of the books he writes never see the light of day again

Some of his books were actually found by one of Ranboo's descendants(not Ranbob)

One of his more scary experiences is when he accidentally met Dream when he was little. Momma Dream almost killed Karl

He's slightly immune to the effects of dreamon possession

He once found an old music box within the inbetween and he hasnt found a name for the song on the music box

PHILZA

He's known as the Angel of Death, or Deaths Angel for a reason(go look at @resonating-kitty s headcanon post about this. Ngl I love it and think it needs more attention)

After the 'death' of Momza, Philza swore to never love till he met Death once more

He remembers a time where hybrids used to be a lot more common: humans will fuck anything remotely humanoid

He doesnt remember if he has parents. By the time Wilbur was old enough to ask about them Philza made up the story that his parents went on to greet death when Wilbur was a baby

He's the reason for Momza's 'death'

SCHLATT

I really like the idea of Schlatt being Tubbo's dad even though it probably wont be canon

When Schlatt was little he watched his father but heads with other ram/sheep hybrids(he found it very funny)

He has a horrid tendency to headbutt people he has strong emotions towards

How hard he headbutts you really depends on what emotions he feels in that moment. The more loving/kind the emotion is the softer he'll be

When in a good mood Schlatt would let Quackity touch his horns

Glatt is a dick head and he knows this. He plays it up to piss people off even more

He comes from a rather large community of ram/sheep hybrids though his family in particular was a little violent

Schlatts first name is Jamison

He has a small ram plush from when he was little: his mother gave it to him before she died

His mother was an alcoholic before him though she was a very sad drunk

THE ERET

Herobrine is their cousin

He is very willing to do next to anything to succeed at something

He doesnt remember his family name

As a kid Eret's mother used to tell them stories of kings and queens. She told them that they could be a ruler one day if they worked hard enough

Their mums name was Elenora

GEORGENOTFOUND

(Based off of @/sctbrr on Twitter. I adore the au they made off this) George is a reincarnation of DreamXD's past lover.

Heterochromia heterochromia

His eyes are brown(left) and blue(right)

His clout glasses allow him to see color

RANBOO

Because he can’t remember his other half he doesn’t know what all he can/can’t do

Though one thing he’s noticed is that he can see much better in the dark than actual people; doesn’t know if he’s half enderman or his other half

As a kid he would pretend to be a dragon with someone. He has a feeling that the person was his father

He has two crowns. One from Techno and one from his mother; it’s one of the few things he genuinely remembers from when he was little

He sees a lot of Tubbo in Michael

Speaking of Michael, the lil one is only about three

TUBBO

He doesn’t know who his parents are and really only saw Philza as a father figure

He’s a ram hybrid like Schlatt

For the longest time he thought bees could understand him

[hauntedselves]

tw for child abuse:

my stepdad (who was abusive during childhood) yelled at me last night because i shared our family streaming account with my sister (ill call her E) who doesn't live with us. I'd previously gotten in trouble for making my own profile in the account without asking, so i didnt bother to ask him if i could share the password with E because i knew hed say no, and to me it wasnt a big deal anyway. she was using my profile and not costing him anything. he wouldnt have even found out if i hadnt used the tv to watch stuff using my profile and they (parents) saw that E had watched a horror movie. they asked my younger siblings if theyd watched it (that would be a big no-no), not realising it was my profile, and i shouldve said it was me but i didnt think and said it was E. he yelled at me, saying i "have no fucking right" to share the account password and he "doesnt give a fuck about E" (particularly mean? significant? because she was the one who copped most of the abuse (cuz she fought back while i didnt (unless i was having a meltdown)), so that hurt to hear).

i just shutdown and went "ok. sure." it internally activated some Parts and some were angry, some were scared, and some were going "dont react, itll make it worse". Adult Me knew that this wasnt Back Then and the worst I'd get was more yelling but i still felt that old fear. then he went and changed the password.

anyway, this morning mum talked to me about it, and said it was about respect and ownership, that it was about not asking and therefore not respecting his paying for this service. to me though, i was just sharing a resource i had with my sister who also shares her streaming logins with me (and i told her to use my profile and not make her own to avoid this). i dont get why its such a big deal, and i feel like hes being really childish and petty. but, i know im lacking empathy and that i cant put myself in other peoples shoes, so i said im going to try to see it from his point of view. i still dont get it, and i certainly think his reaction was way out of proportion (the norm for him y'know), but... ill try.

[koba-baboba]

moony

a/n: hey look a new series because i got overhwhelmed by in the dark. this will be a self indulgent story so its ok if you dont like it. im trying a new writing style so let me know if its any good. this isnt really edited so read at your own risk. shout out to anyone who can figure out which part of this chapter i inserted after it was done.

chapter 1/? word count: 1628

warnings: none i think. a weeny bit of blood.

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towering trees and bright flowers are all i can see for miles, it was the most beautiful thing ever. mother held my hand, swinging it as we walked along the dimly lit dirt path. "happy birthday my love! how does it feel to be 6 hm?" mothers words are soft and full of love as she looks down at me fondly. "not much differnt, i think im taller maybe?" i screw my face up trying to think if i felt taller or not, i *felt* taller. mother laughed heartly as she looked around us. "youre almost past my hip now! youve definitely gotten taller." mother cooed still looking happily at me. i smiled, i *am* almost past her hip now! i swung her hand even more as we contiuned on our walk. "dad doesnt like to go on these walks does he?" i questioned, looking up at mother. "he doesnt like to get his fancy shoes dirty, Alexander has always been that way" she reasured me softly. the bush in front of us rustled, mother excitedly pulled me down to crouch so we didnt scare the critter moving towards us. i wiggled excitedly, hoping it would be a bunny. "stay still. maybe its a deer" mother whispers into my ear. the rustling get louder before a dirty tired looking man stumbles out. mother pulled me up harshly and hid me behind her. i tried to peek out at the man but she shoved me behind her again. i suddenly remebered what day it was, the full moon. i clutched to mothers shirt as she put a hand on my shoulder.

"can i help you sir? you look ill" mothers voice is shakey but firm. "now that you ask... i do need help"

im on my back on the floor, its uncomfortable and bumpy. my hands are wet and warm, it feels gross and sticky.i raise my hands to my face, theyre red? i turn my head to see if mother knows whats happening and... the man is on top of her, his teeth digging into her neck. shes screaming, crying, "m-mom?"

"mom?" i whisper but im not in that forest anymore, im on my bed in my room. i look around my room, at the posters and drawings on my wall that i made myself, at my trunk and bag near my door. it takes me a second to register the knocking at my door. "andi we need to go" a sandy haired man says softly as he pushes through my door. its just remus, im safe. i push myself up to sit on the edge of my bed and run my hand through my messy curls. "are you alright sweetheart?" remus- dad, asks me softly. "nightmare" i mumbled sleepily. he sighs and sits down next to me. he rubs circles against my back. "its always worse after the full moon, give yourself some patient love" dad said softly, he knew i wouldnt actually give myself time to bounce back. it was frustrating to admit i needed time to heal, i didnt like admitting i was differnt. dad sighed and kissed my forehead gently "get dressed, you can eat at the weasleys, molly will have plenty of food for you"

i pull my t-shirt and worn jeans on and try desperatley to make my hair less of a mess. i dragged my trunk downstairs towards dad who was waiting patiently at the door. "ready? molly will have some ointments for you when you get there."

"i double checked this time" i chuckle, more than once ive forgotten something important, my school supplies werent exactly cheap so that wasnt exaclty ideal. dad chuckled and looped his arm through mine and, with a loud pop, we landed at the burrow. my second home! i live here as often as i do at dads house. it was the most brilliant house ive ever been too.

the door flew open and two lanky twins came flying towards me. fred and george collided with me, hugging me tightly. i giggled squeezing them tightly. Remus put his hand on my shoulder “I’ll see you at the train station, be safe” and with a pop he was gone.

“He never comes inside” a sweet voice came from the doorway. A plump woman was looking fondly at the three teens. She opened her arms wide, beckoning me forward. i smiled and wrapped my arms around molly. “Hello dear” she cooed into my hair. Molly pulled back and looked me over, cupping my face and turned it side to side, examining the new cuts and bruises i donned. She hummed

“Ginny! Ron! Come here!” Molly shouted as she pulled me inside, the twins following.

“She’s going to coddle you” Fred whispered into my ear with a little chuckle. i rolled my eyes as i followed molly into the kitchen where Ron and Ginny had just rushed in.

“Andi!” Ginny bounded towards me wrapping her arms around me and hugged me like it had been years since the last time she had seen me. Ginny had always looked up to me like an older sister ever since she could speak. i hoisted Ginny up and into my arms spinning her around. god i loved the weasleys, every one of them, including percy.

“I’m a little offended you didn’t do that for us” George huffed feigning hurt.

“Yeah come on andi, I thought we were your favourite” Fred added, mimicking his twin.

“Now when did I say that boys” i teased as i plopped Ginny back on the floor. The twins rolled their eyes before throwing their arms over my shoulders. the twins did this to me so often, we were always joined at the hip in some way.

“I dunno I just have a sneaking suspicion that you like us” the boys said in unison. i snickered and gave Ron a happy “hello”

“Now now boys don’t be too rough on her” molly scolded shooing the twins off of me. i sighed, Molly always had a tendency to treat me like i was fragile. “Oh come on mum it’s not like we’re throwing her around” Fred whined. “We could if you wanted” George whispered. The trio had learned early on that the best way to annoy the younger groups was to mock flirt with each other. After awhile it became an inside joke that the three found hilarious. Much to everyone’s dismay.

“Come on andi let me clean you up” Molly’s words are sweet but insistent. i know better than to argue with molly over this stuff. Molly is a excellent healer and it would be stupid to deny her help. i looked over at the twins who are grinning ear to ear, they did warn me i suppose. i rolled my eyes once more before following molly to the living room. i sit down on the sofa the twins and i often crowd. It was far too small for three lanky teens. Molly began rustling in a little bag near a bookshelf. She was humming a song and shaking to a tune only she could hear. Ah ha! Molly exclaimed as she pulled out a little jar full of white paste.

“This will help it heal a little faster, it won’t keep it from scarring unfortunately” molly starts excitedly before mumbling off the last part. i knew this, magic was wonderful but it couldn’t prevent scarring in most situations. i had more scars than i cared to count. Molly cupped my face as she smeared the paste over my wounds, i winced slightly. no matter if it had numbing ingriedents or not, this part always hurt

“I know it hurts, just breathe” molly humed. “Do you have anymore?” Molly questions looking me over. “You know the answer to that question” i chuckled dryly as i stood pulling my shirt up with me. Revealing a bandage stretching across my stomach.

Molly sighed, she hated seeing her kids hurt, not that Andi was her kid but it certainly felt like it. Molly peeled the bandage off slowly trying desperately to keep it from hurting too much.

i shuddered biting back tears as i felt the bandage pull healed skin with it.

The twins were watching from the doorway as molly tended to Andi. They knew what Andi looked like after full moons but they never got used to the gashes and bruises she dawned afterwards. Fred turned away, he felt sick to his stomach, he loved Andi, he wished he could take this from her. She didn’t deserve it.

Molly patched andi's stomach up once more and pulled her shirt down over it.

“Put this on your face twice a day and I’ll help you with your back until you go to school then then ask one of your friends to help” molly instructed waving her finger at me to enunciate her words.

“Yes ma’am” i mock soluted, i knew how much that annoyed her. i turned towards the door way and gave George a lopsided grin and peeked past him at Fred who was leaning against a counter.

“Want to show me what your letters talked about?” i said my tone dripping with mischief. The twins faces lit up as they grabbed my hands and dragged me up the stairs, giggling like kids the whole way to their room.

“What are you three planning??” Molly shouted up the stairs. She knew those three were troublemakers at heart. They had been since they met when they were 7. Remus needed help with Andi after a rough full moon and the rest is history. The three of them managed to turn rons teddy bear into a spider once.

[kiyo-yoon]

Hes already bored of watching everyone fawn over valentines day so he's probably spent all his time listening to music. Yamaguchi has been oddly quiet all day and anytime he speaks, he won't shut up about the event. He thinks a quiet Yamaguchi is an annoying Yamaguchi and eventually breaks when they're walking home after practice.

"Why do you look so depressed?"

"Umm...I'm not, it's just...Daichi and Suga were really affectionate weren't they?"

"Well they are boyfriends and its valentines day. Are you blaming them or something?"

"What? No! No! No! No! It's just...we're boyfriends and...we don't really do that...umm, but I'm not trying to hint that we do more stuff, just pointing out and observing! Ahh! But not in the creepy way! Just th-umm?"

Yamaguchis rambling would be interrupted by Tsukkishima suddenly placing his headphones on him. He would get to listen to some metal band playing for two seconds before the blonde would lean over and kiss him.

"Valentines is about love isnt it? I love music so...so take what I love. Here, J-just listen and shut up..."

And he would walk away with a blush on his face, but never allow Yamaguchi to see it! Meanwhile, Yamaguchi is literally dying on the spot, face red and hands shaking and lips tingling. Plus he's got to listen through Tsukkis headphones which is a bonus!

All day, he's been watching couples get together and give each other gifts and cards and even kisses. During breaks between classes, he cant help but point out a new couple that's gotten together, or even someone who's been kissed or hugged...

They had a short practice of volleyball today, but he couldn't even concentrate because he's been busy admiring Suga and Daichis affectionate teasing and behaviour. He's totally jealous, but doesn't show it and as a result, realises that his own boyfriend has actually forgot what day it is. They all leave Asahi and Noya to lock up and on the way home, Tsukki finally breaks and asks him what's up.

He explains and then totally freaks out when Tsukki thinks hes not happy for Suga and Daichi. His freaking out disappears when Tsukki gives him headphones and a kiss and...that's enough for him, really.

"I can't believe Tsukki just-oh my g-!"

"What did you say? Something wrong?"

"No! Sorry Tsukki!"

Considering that they're already a couple, Daichi plans out the perfect day for them. His parents are away on holiday for a week, so he's pretty keen to get Suga at his house. He's been admittedly more lovey dovey than usual and after giving Asahi a pep talk for later, he takes Suga out of practice and out to town. He takes him to a cake shop where they would have cake and whilst he's ordering, Sugas waiting at the table.

Daichi is totally known for his jealous nature and when he returns to the table and spots some drunk delinquent high schooler, with an arm draped around Suga, he politely tells the guy to...go away.

And of course when he doesnt, Daichi would provoke him until the delinquent ends up trying to start a fight. The cake shop owner ends up kicking all three of them out and Daichi storms away in a mood because everything's been ruined until Suga stops him and grabs him into a hug.

"Sorry...I guess I just wanted today to be...perfect..."

And after a bit of reassurance from Suga, a cheeky innuendo, they end up sharing a smooch and head back to Daichis.

Suga would be the type to constantly tease Daichi for not getting everything right, it's in his nature to be cheeky. He succeeds in making Daichi blush when he lies and says he's upset for not getting flowers. Where's his kiss and hug? He didn't even get him a card? Heartbroken...

Still, Its cute that Daichi is dedicated anyways. Suga would probably be the type to leave a longing kiss, enough for Daichi to remember long in class. He's been listening to his boyfriend mumble their plans to himself and he's totally flustered with that because that's just adorable.

At the end of practice, they walk towards a cake shop, hands joined together and Suga sits down at a booth whilst he's waiting for Daichi to come back with cake. Suddenly theres a weight on his shoulder and he realises it's a teenager, maybe his age? And...yep, definitely drunk and now rambling about anything and everything.

After a few attempts of trying to get this guys arm off him, the guy is refusing to budge and Daichi is standing there and then the pair start arguing and before they know it, the owner of the shop has kicked them all out. Suga ends up chasing Daichi down the street when he storms away in a huff.

"Oi wait up! Daichi! Oi!"

Daichi rambles on about how he wanted today to go perfectly and then Suga pulls him and hugs him again.

"Today was more than perfect. You were pretty perfect too"

Suga would bring his face down for a kiss and then squeeze Daichis hands and grin and hint that they should probably go back to his place because Daichis parents arent in and the rest is up to them.

All day today, his new boyfriend of one week, Kageyama has been in some sort of weird mood. It's their first valentines together, so Hinata had done some research and bought Kageyama chocolates. Unfortunately for Hinata, he didnt know Kageyama is...allergic to nuts and therefore couldn't eat it.

Practice was short that day so Kageyama decided to use the special date as...their official first date together. Hinata is still wondering why the heck his boyfriend is in a bad mood until he spots an arcade poster and teases Kageyama that he would beat him in all the games.

Challenge accepted.

They head to the arcade and after constant arguing about the other somehow cheating, they go to the coin slot machine because...its impossible to cheat on that game. Hinata spots an adorable keychain of a nose with kawaii eyes and tries his best to get it. He fails, watches Kageyama get it and when Kageyama does, Hinata has to scream at him that the keychain is not ugly, it's cute!

On their way home, Hinata is about to split ways from Kageyama when Kageyama gets all sad and moody.

"I'm not just saying it though! I'm serious!"

"Really?"

Hinata would nod with a smile.

"This is my favourite day with you!"

Kageyama would surprise him by tossing the nose keychain over and after listening to Kageyama have some sort of weird battle with himself, Hinata would try something they've never done before.

Kiss...

Except...they've never done it, Hinata doesnt know how to and he's too short to reach Kageyama. Kageyama leans down because Hinata is making some weird face and Hinata pushes himself up on his toes and kisses Kageyama on the cheek.

The lips are too far for their early stage relationship right now.

But his face turns scarlet and he cycles away home and turns around and laughs when he sees Kageyama wobble in his steps. Not bad for a first valentines.

So as soon as he wakes up, Kageyama NEEDS to plan out today since he and Hinata just got together last week. Only problem is...he's utterly clueless. What's he supposed to get Hinata? Flowers? Chocolates? Those are normal...if you're a girl.

Still, he's unsure but decides to just let today go with the flow. At school, Hinatas been commenting on his 'scary' face which, rude, it's the face he was born with. Hinata tries to give him chocolates but...hes allergic to those specific ones..oops.

He's still pretty much clueless, decides at the last minute that maybe he should do extra volleyball practice because Hinata likes that, only for Nishinoya to explain that he and Asahi are locking up instead. They havent been on a date yet so...maybe a date would be pretty good for today?

So on their walk after school, thankfully Hinata finds something for them to do! He finds a poster for a new arcade that's opened and he literally just called him a loser...

Challenge accepted!

Hinata somehow wins the air hockey game three times in a row, cheating obviously, until they both settle on a coin slot game. No way Hinata could cheat on that...

He doesn't, but now Hinata has a new motive and that's to get the most ugliest nose keychain in the world...it even has kawaii eyes on it, as if that'll make it look cute.

In the end, Hinata doesn't win the keychain, but he does instead. He keeps it for a while because...is he supposed to give it to him right now? Later?

They end up walking to a certain path that they'll split ways when Kageyama finally decides to hand over the ugly stupid keychain that makes Hinata smile so much.

"Yeah, just keep it, or throw it away, or keep it..."

And then Hinata would surprise him by making some sort of...weird face by widening his eyes and suddenly theres lips on his cheek and...wow, they technically just kinda kissed in some sort of weird way...

Before he knows it, Hinatas cycled away and he needs to walk home and...wow, his legs are so wobbly right now.

Thank God Hinata can't see his embarrassing smile right now.

Hopefully valentines will be the same next year.

She's not really bothered about valentines to be honest. She's just getting right into her studies and managing the volleyball team etc...

During school, she spots several couples acting all loved up because of the day and...well, she just passes by. She's not one for poking around in anyones personal business, even if it is just something silly like receiving a box of chocolates.

Her only thought right now is...why is she the manager of a ridiculous childish volleyball team?

Because it certainly looks like Tanaka is proposing to Nishinoya and the libero is hiding some sort of letter behind his back. Oh. Tanaka is using his girl voice...isnt it usually the guy who proposes?

Still, she cant help but let out an adorable giggle which attracts Tanakas attention and suddenly, he's bounding over towards her with his face flushed red. He shouts her name loudly, once exactly and then suddenly retracts and spins around and sprints out the hallway.

What...just happened?

Later, at practice, Kiyoko ends up getting a call from her mum, warning her that it's still quite dark at night so she was to be careful.

Tanaka, being the loud person with a heightened sense of hearing, decides to shout and declare that he'll walk her home and...well, maybe a bit of company would be nice?

Maybe she should put Tanaka out of his misery already...

Nah, she's way too playful like that.

"Maybe...maybe you can walk me home?"

And Tanaka? Well, he does his usual adorable cheer that he does and they're on their way! She refuses to let him hold her bag though, shes self independent that way.

Its decided as soon as the clock struck midnight and its valentines, but he decides that he wants to make today a day that Kiyoko will remember!

Obviously he'll get the bro advice from Nishinoya since he has also asked for some advice. So, he ends up heading to school, bumps into Nishinoya who is...screaming about a letter that was posted through his door that morning and Tanaka can only snort at the original poem that's been written inside.

He advises his bro that he should totally just let it play out, be all romantic and even does a simple drama performance for him to follow. And then...Kiyoko is standing there looking perfect as per usual and she blinks twice and suddenly, his feet have left the floor, ready to shout for Kiyoko to hear his confession!

Wait

Hes supposed to be all suave and romantic, especially on the most romantic day of the year. So he stops, clears his throat and spins around and sprints out of there, embarrassed! He was totally NOT cool!

Later at practice, he hears Kiyoko mention that they'll be finishing up soon and then answers her phone. Tanaka just so happens to be standing nearby and hears Kiyokos mother mention how dangerous the streets are because it's still quite dark. This could be his chance!

He could totally walk her home, right? At least occupy her?

"Oi! Kiyoko! I can walk you home if you want!"

For a second, it seems like shes gonna just ignore him again, but then she gives him the most adorable tiny smile ever and nods ever so slightly.

"Maybe...maybe you can walk me home?"

Then hes ready to run away because Kiyoko ignoring him is pretty hot but-hang on, she just said...

Yes!

"Spending valentines with Kiyoko!"

She smiles again and he notices her bag and holds a hand out.

"I'll carry your bag!"

"No thanks"

Where to begin?

Asahi ends up having a nightmare of a valentines! Hes spent every single day of being in Nishinoyas presence, debating whether he should confess to him or not. He ends up asking for Asahi and Sugas advice over the phone for several nights before he finally comes up with the idea.

A letter? That's pretty basic and even Nishinoya should understand the concept behind that. So he wrote one out, maybe the original poem was too much but he had too many things to say and a poem sounds like it should be enough to express his feelings.

He slides it into Nishinoyas foot locker and sprints away before the said boy comes in and catches him. Now he just needs to wait.

So naturally, in class, he cant concentrate. He cant focus on any of his schoolwork and Suga ends up flicking him on the back of the head with a rubber during class because he can literally see Asahi shaking that much...

Why did he ask Nishinoya to stay behind after practice again? Why did he write that? Nishinoya probably wants a different valentines. What if he rejects him? What if he decides that he just...oh god. What if he quits the team? Never speaks to him again? Could he be reading all of Noyas signals wrong?

Something hard hits the back of his head again and he turns around and theres Suga again with his criticising look. The teacher yells and he turns back around with an apology. How embarrassing.

Later, at practice, he's ready to freak out again because Kageyama asks Nishinoya if he and Hinata could lock up. They'd recently become a couple...what if Noya said yes? Asahi wouldnt be able to give his confession...

Thankfully, Noya says no with an apology and then a short explanation that he and Asahi would do it instead. Then Daichi is running over and patting Asahi on the back with a calm 'Try not to freak out. Dont worry, just worry about Suga if you do end up chickening out' and then hes away again!

When it's just the two of them, they clean up together, quietly until Nishinoya finally pulls out the letter from his bag and looks up at Asahi.

"This letter..."

And of course...he freaks out.

"Umm! Oh! It's just...you dont have to read it, well even though it looks like you already have, but it's not worth reading, I suppose you could just look at it as a joke if you want to, but even though it's real...I'm sorry if it wasted your time!"

And to his surprise, Nishinoya only laughs and wiggles the letter in his hand.

"It didn't waste my time, but...are you serious? About your feelings...about you liking me since I was a first year?"

"Mhmm! Of course! I just...sorry, that probably sounded creepy!"

"Eh? No! No of course not!"

"But it's the truth! I'm completely honest! You...you're the best person to have ever come into my life so...so please hear my confession! I...I love you Noya!"

He's pretty sure he hears Noya chuckle for a bit and he wishes he could see him, but suddenly tears are building in his eyes and the thought of rejection from Nishinoya of all people is enough to make him cry.

His body is suddenly falling forwards, Noya is falling backwards because hes grabbed onto him but Asahi is fast, so he loops his arms around Noya and straightens them up so they're standing. Noya grins and then pushes forwards for a hug and presses his forehead against Asahis forehead, his blonde fringe pushing against the aces headband. Asahi can only sigh in relief because thank god...he couldn't imagine going on in life if this turned out differently.

He's never really thought about valentines to be honest. He's always had one person in mind and he's pretty sure that's rude to try and confess to your upperclassmen. Sure he plays along with Tanaka to protect Kiyoko, but its more of a...let's protect the girl because guys are creepy predators kinda thing...

Anyways, he heads to school like a normal day, changes shoes and...is that a letter?

It totally is!

Someone just...this is definitely Asahis handwriting! This was a dream, right? If so, please dont wake him up!

He reads the inside, smiles at the cute poem and when he realises theres a message asking to stay behind after practice so they could talk, he fist pumps the air and rushes to find Tanaka.

He shows him the letter, asks for advice and all Tanaka does is simply tell him to let the day play it out, just like a volleyball game. He even gets down on one knee and pretends to propose, as if that'll happen today.

Still, he keeps it in mind, not for...future reasons...

He watches Tanaka sprint over to Kiyoko within seconds and then run away and remembers that he and Tanaka were on the phone last night. The future ace had declared that he wanted valentines to go perfectly for Kiyoko, so he would act like the perfect gentleman!

Still, he waves to Kiyoko and heads to class.

The rest of the day, he doesnt see Asahi which isnt much of a surprise since they're in different years. He has caught sight of Suga and Daichi kissing at some point and frowns.

If he and Asahi were to get together, there would surely be a lot of looks. People already mistook him as an elementary kid and Asahi as a grown man who is also apparently a delinquent. But hey, when was he to care about looks?

He looks away from Suga and Daichi in the distance and lightly pats his burning cheeks twice before shaking his head. He liked Asahi, no, he loved Asahi! He'd admired the man from day one!

So when it comes to the end of practice which is cut fairly short, he has to quickly explain to Kageyama that he and Asahi would be locking up instead. Kageyama looks slightly annoyed but hey, he always looks like that. He ends up showing Asahi the letter and of course, the big ball of anxiety starts to flip.

But in the end, Asahi confesses properly...reveals that he's liked Noya from day one and...

"I love you too you big baby! Oi! Why are you crying?! I accepted your confession! Baka!"

And then he lunges forwards to try and grab Asahi into a hug but they end up staggering for a bit and...god, he wishes Asahi would just stop crying! He does though, and they hug and Noya really wants to kiss him right now, but hes pretty sure the ace would faint if he did it right now. So he settles for a forehead touch, just so he can reassure Asahi that he's there and...he's not planning on going away anytime soon.

He's there, he's not disappearing and even when Asahi graduates, he knows they'll still be together, no matter what obstacle they face.

[someone-always-cares]

[image description: a q&a for the webcomic someone always cares. full desc under the cut because its long and wordy sorry]

post chapter 3 Q&A

first - previous - next

thanks for yalls questions!! it was fun to answer! if anyone still has questions feel free to ask whenever i am always 100% down to ramble. even if i did go slightly off topic in some answers

additional: went off topic with the hair question a bit. their bright hair is all part of the transformations. regular hair dye does exist though. best way to tell is that if the eyebrow matches the hair its probably not dyed. also, quartz’s hair is naturally ginger.

also for more on ages, check out the character bios here

also was gonna keep this in the tags but thought i might as well actually try to answer it: the question i found it hardest to answer was someone the song one. my taste in music is. a mess really. ive been listening to like the same 5 songs on repeat all day. more under the cut because i was rambling again and now its uhhh half 1am

if it helps at the time of answering that specific question i had home by cavetown on repeat, and that song reminds me of both rami and lewis. but that may be because i project onto those two a lot, and as a aro trans dude. who sucks with people skills, yeah of course i love that song.

specifically the vibes of like not knowing how to communicate (rami is fine with his friends but other people are different), the lines “ Turn off your porcelain face, I can't really think right now and this place, Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane” idk what the porcelain face line is supposed to mean but im picturing it as like. a mask. that you need to take off and stop hiding and rami does tend to hide when hes feeling upset, and the next two lines kinda could tie into that, like the feeling of when youre overwhelemed and just want the world to stop so you just hide somewhere. also the colours could go with chapter 3 with the chromatic abberation.

also the bit with “ my eyes went dark, I don't know where, my pupils are, But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here” just kinda sums up ramis whole hero thing with his powers and all. anyway this has turned into less what songs rami would like and why this particular song reminds me of him and lewis (lewis specifically has the hair cutting/chest hiding, [big transmasc mood], and also messy haired trainwreck who doesnt know who he is yet. also the ghosts bit)

i did end up picking upbeat songs because ramis a dude who like to try and be upbeat even if things arent. even if hes not really feeling it he will pretend to.

[full description: Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: “hi ily!!! do characters like quartz who have colored hair have that naturally or did they dye it?”

“its both natural and not! while most supers can do a magical girl ish transformation, including a change in hair colour, there are some exceptions.”

theres two small full body drawings of rami, one in civilian clothes, one fully transformed.

“if a superhero were to have a biological child, the child will inherit the powers of the parent(s). however, the child will not inherit the full transfromation. they do inherit any physical transformations, but not the outfit.”

theres a drawing of a woman in blue, quartz’s mother, fully transformed, holding her mask in her hand, smiling down at a much younger quartz as a child. hes smiling back up at her with the same blue eyes, pointy ears, and blue hair, but hes still in normal clothes.

“in the case of quartz, both of hisparents had superpowers, and he inherited those powers and the physical transformations.he can also pick and mix whatphysical traits to change.“

next is a headshot of adult quartz, his face split down the middle with one side having hair and eye like his mother, the other like his father. theres a list of traits from each parents, blue hair and eyes and pointy ears from his mum, and purple hair and eyes and pointy teeth from their dad.

 “Anonymous said to someone-always-cares:  Are all the characters the same age? If not, how old are they? Are they irl friends or just superhero friends?”

theres some headshots of rami and his team lined up with ages labelled: cam is 15, rami himself is 17, lin, mateo, and dante, are all 18, and cap is 20.

“rami and xandra were somewhat friends before she got superpowers, so when, after the incident with her old team, she found rami had developed powers, xandra stuck close to him. their other teamates started off as superhero friends but soon turned into irl friends too”

theres a headshot of lewis and jade. theyre both 17

“when lewis first decided to start being a vigilante,jade quickly found him and decided to help train himand offered to be a mentor of sorts, as they both have similar powers. that quickly derailed.”

“ cinder5555 said to someone-always-cares: How long does it usually take to make a comic page? I'm curious because they're so freaking good that they must take FOREVER”

theres a drawing of myself, a fluffy hair tired bastard in a hoodie, smiling

“Thanks! Ive been doing this shit since like 2017 and i still have no idea how long it takes me. i can get a page done in a day if i have nothing else to do or if its a simple page, but if i have work then maybe 2-3 days? i spend like, most of my free time doing this.“

another drawing of me, now looking frustrated muttering “how the FUCK does time work”

“but i can never do it all on one sitting.i will inevitably get distracted and zone out daydreaming mid drawing so its very hard to get an accurate read on how long it takes. so however long a piece of string is i guess“

the only qustion not from tumblr is a discord message from RuneStone Cabin:

“Q: Can you talk about the incidence of superpowers in this world? Like many people are supers, which powers are more or less common, how long they've been a thing for, stuff like that. Also does Omen know I'd die for them “

theres a drawing of omen pointing at a date circled on a calender marked “decembuary”, theyre saying “i know. i already wrote your death in my calender.”

then a giant wall of text reading: “Supers have only existed for a relativly short time, since the early 1940s. momento mori was the second person to have ever gained powers.

Only a small number of the population are supers! the chances are higher in more populated cities, but unusally london has oneof the higher percentages of supers. while nobody in universe has any idea of the origins of superpowers, it does seem that powers are more likely to occur in people who would actually use their powers.

as for what powers are most common, after making a badly catagorized spreadsheet of every superpowered character ive made for this world (70% of which will probably never even be seen), turns out that elemental powers are the most common. although not all elemental powers manifest as the straight up 'controling this element' as seen in characters like lin or tsunami. for example, iris's powers would fall under shadow elemntal powers, but theyre a lot more weird that just controlling shadows.there are some abilities that have never been seen before,such as ressurection or full on time travel (aka anything that could bring a character back to life), but powers are certainly allowed to toe the line eg healing, powers involving undeath, immortality, pausing or manipulating time.

aside from that, anything goes. you could get plain old superstrength, but you could also get the ability to create dogs with your mind. other not quite rules, more guidelines are that supers are immune to their own powers hurting them (unless they were pushing themselves too hard), although the way the imminuties occur may be inconvinient to the super.

while some powers may be 'more powerful' than others, powers dont really get to be way underpowered or overpowered in comparision to others. sure being able to talk to animals may feel a bit useless compared to someone who can lift 4 tanks at once, but nobodys going to end up with a power like 'can turn into a goose but only once' or 'can grow toenails twice as fast' or 'if i sneeze i can change my hair colour'. at the same time, youre not going to get someone with the power to snap their fingers and level a city, or instantly blow up the moon or whatever.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: I love rami PLEASE tell me his favorite song(s) and why. I will die for you”

a drawing of rami saying out loud “i dont really have any specific favourite song, really? i just listen to whatever sounds catchy and then listen to that on repeat for hours until i hate it. i guess i do like upbeat songs? ones that make you feel happy even if the lyrics are sad”

“ un1c0rnhh said to someone-always-cares: tell me,,, please,, cam,,, are they a cat person or a dog person?? ily"

theres a drawing of cam a metre away from a cat lying down. she has her arm out and is making ‘psspsspss’ noises at it. end id]

FUCK i am so glad i didnt hand write all of that, it would have been a major pain in the ass to write it all and then have to transcribe all that next. but nope i could directly copy paste the asks and word answers. cheers if anyone made it this far down. if anyone wonders why this is uploaded late, you know now.

[rogerina-yee-haw]

“at least I’m one”

sd!gwilym lee x reader

chapter 5: “- the anticipated  sweetness”

[the goodbye] [the sadness & tenderness] [the broken rules and true affection] [the pain and eternal bliss]

summary: you and gwil met ten months ago; and he offered you to be his sugar baby almost immediately. you agreed at that exact moment, not knowing where it would get you.

warnings: smut, FLUFF!!, typos, grammar errors (as usual lmao)

a/n: Alice won’t show up in this chapter, sorry. it was too sweet to ruin it with her presence. next chapter is the last one!!!! sorry if this one is too bad!!!!

                                                    September.

“Five hundred pounds?” you sighed as you looked at the price. “Even my life costs less than this!”

This was a chic Versace dress you found at that one posh shop. You didn’t even know how you got there – you were just wandering across the mall; the next thing you knew – you were looking at the pretty but very expensive pieces of fabric.

You could afford this dress only if you worked with no sleep, days off and rest. Shit, you could afford a plain tee-shirt in this shop if you worked yourself to death for six months!

“Guess I’ll die as a poor bitch”, you thought to yourself. You still couldn’t stop looking at this dress; it was everything you ever looked in an evening gown; it was long with a side slit – just to expose your leg a bit; the long sleeves would cover your arms, and the lack of fabric on the back of the dress would give everyone a hell of impression. “It wouldn’t fit me perfectly; must lose weight before even thinking about buying it”.

“I can’t agree with that”.

You flinched at a sudden violation of your thinking process; you already wanted to step away and ignore the man who interrupted your thoughts when you looked at him.

And – oh Lord – he was gorgeous.

Tall, handsome as the Devil himself, in a visibly expensive suit and a smug grin on his face – this man was everything you’ve ever wanted but never had. You opened your mouth, trying to say something, but only gasped – he was too beautiful and rich for you to even try. “Mum was right when she said my shyness will be the death of me”.

“What to be shy about?” he raised his eyebrows; you frowned before you realized.

“Did I just say that out loud?” you quavered; he let out a laugh and looked at you again.

“I’m pretty sure you did; I wouldn’t be speaking to you if I didn’t hear you talking to yourself”.

You covered your face with your hands; you had never felt that ashamed of yourself. You were talking to yourself in a posh shop and this handsome man saw and heard you doing it? “I’m a disaster”, you mumbled. “Sorry you had to witness that”, you said, still covering your face.

“It’s alright. I talk to myself too occasionally”.

You finally were able to raise your head; so you looked at him suspiciously. Really? This fucking Adonis? Talking to himself sometimes? “That is hardly believable”.

“You have quite an opinion of me for the person whom I’ve just met”. Judging by the smile on his face you realized that you – again – expressed your thoughts about him being the Adonis out loud.

You looked down and gripped your hands into you handbag. “I guess being an embarrassment is my life goal”. You couldn’t bear looking at him; finally, you had the chance to hit it off with a handsome dude when you successfully blew it.

Well, you thought you blew it.

“Don’t apologize; it wasn’t embarrassing at all”.

You furrowed your brows and glanced at him. “Really? Not at all?”

He grinned and looked back at you. “Maybe a bit, but it was alright”.

You rolled your eyes at his words; this conversation wasn’t going anywhere further. At least, not with you. That blonde with a short red dress on could certainly get it with this pretty dude. Not you, in your high-waisted jeans and old hoodie with the Avengers logo on it. You didn’t even want to get started on your mum’s sneakers you had been wearing for a couple of years now.

You mum, by the way, always said that your insecurity was keeping you from all the good things in life. And even now, when this mysterious man was certainly interested in you – you didn’t see it. You preferred to drown in your doubt and insecurity. It was easier for you to shield yourself from the world.

“I’m Gwilym, by the way”.

You looked at his hand that he reached out for you; you were attentively examining his palm and fingers. “You know what they say about men with big hands”, Billy’s was echoing in your head, as you subconsciously bit you lip. Gwil suddenly felt really tight in his pants.

“I assume you also have a name”. You were out of your thinking process once again; you looked at him quickly.

“Y/N”, you responded softly as you shook his hand. You felt electricity travelling through your body; your ears were burning suddenly and your palms were sweating. What the fuck was that? “Really nice to meet you”.

He nodded, silently agreeing with you; “You know what they say about men with big hands…”

You rolled your eyes one more time, trying to make this fucker’s voice inside your head shut up. You were so invested in your thoughts that you didn’t even notice how lustfully Gwilym looked at you. He wanted to pull you to the closest dressing room and fuck the hell out of you. You were so incredibly beautiful and hot – and Gwil really had to restrain himself from taking you right then and there. Right in the middle of that shop, maybe.

“Do you mind going to dinner with me tonight?”

His voice wasn’t asking, it was demanding. You suddenly felt weak in your knees under his gaze; you could have melted as the snow under the sun just 'cause this man was looking at you like that. And that reminded you that you hadn’t been with a guy for a while.

“No, I don’t. I don’t mind at all”.

“Good”. He looked as if that was exactly what he expected to hear. “D’you mind giving me your address?”

Oh, you didn’t mind. You also didn’t mind if he would just fuck you in the nearest restroom.

But you were too shy to suggest such the idea.

“Will eight o’clock be alright?”

“Sure”.

You refused when he suggested driving you home; you lied about having to meet your friend so that you wouldn’t spend some alone time with him. “Gwilym”, you thought while waiting for the bus. “Such a pretty name”.

                                     ╰╮✾╭╯✯╰╮✾╭╯

You wake up because you dream is suddenly over – but not like there was anything more of interest during your first date. Just pure primal attraction that ended up with you being fingered by Gwilym in the elevator. It was pretty crazy for you as you have never been a person who would hook up on the first date, but Gwil turned you on so much that you couldn’t handle it. Now you’re happy all of it happened. Now you’re with the man of your dreams.

The sun shines through the curtains of the hotel room window, and you wince because of its brightness. You stretch a bit, trying to wake yourself up, and rub the sleep from your eyes.

“You look like an angel”.

Your gaze falls on Gwil; he leans to the bedroom doorway, a soft smile on his lips. You grin back at him and sit up on the bed, covering your bare chest with the blanket. “You look good too”, you say, observing him. He’s already in a suit, just without a jacket; his hands are in his pockets and he looks so damn hot. “Are you leaving?”

He shakes his head. “Just came back”. Gwil slowly makes his way to the bed and crawls right next to you. “It’s midday already, baby”, he says, reaching to your forehead and kissing it. “We’ve got exactly twenty-four hours before going home”.

“Have you decided what you’re gonna do?” you put your hand on his cheek and he leans into your touch. “That’s a good opportunity, you know”, Gwil chuckles and then sighs deeply.

“A good opportunity but a hard decision to make”, he mutters and kisses you delicately. “I might lose everything if I do it”, his voice is quiet and he looks at you, a glimpse of fear and hopelessness in his eyes. You cup his cheeks and make him look you directly in the eyes.

“Is money worth staying on the job that you hate? Is it worth wasting your time on the place where the boss is a total arsehole to you?” he shakes his head. “Then quit it. Take Ryan and Jack’s offer”.

“I won’t be a vice-president in their company”, he says, “I won’t have this much money if I agree. This is not what you signed-”.

“I don’t care”, you whisper and press your forehead to his. “I’m not with you because you’re rich. Sure, I love expensive gifts”, you both chuckle, “but I can live without them as long as I’m with you. I want you to be happy, Gwil”, you say breathlessly as his hands tighten their grip in your waist, “and I know this new job will make you happy. You won’t hate your boss, at least”, you add and he smiles, leaning closer to you, so that your foreheads are pressed together.

“Bosses, to be correct’, he replies; Gwil leaves a trail of kisses on your jaw. “And I’ve been hating them since we met”, you smile. “Don’t think it’s a good idea to work on my friends who ruined my deal on purpose”.

“Baby, they did it to get you here”, you answer, “to talk to you without your boss interrupting”.

“Yeah, this old bastard left the same day that we arrived on”, he mutters, sucking a hickey into your neck, “doesn’t know shit about his own fucking company”, you let out a gasp, when Gwil’s lips get to that sweet spot, right under your earlobe. You squeeze his shoulders lightly, and the blanket falls from your chest, exposing your breasts. “Acts like he’s the smartest”, Gwil covers your neck with love bites, “when in reality he’s too stupid to even make himself a cup of tea”.

“I guess talking about your boss turns you on”, you swallow hard and Gwilym pulls off of your neck and looks at you in confusion. “You got quite hard while talking about him”, you raise your eyebrow and palm him through his pants. He moans at the sensation of your touch. “Wish I could turn you on so quickly as old Smithers does…” you sigh dramatically and Gwil rolls his eyes, smiling at you.

“You little minx”, his lips are on yours the second he lays you down, flat on the bed, so he’s hovering over you. His covered bulge rubs your thigh and you moan into the kiss, and it gives Gwilym a sign to move further. His left hand trails down your body, paying special attention to your boobs, while the right one is on your face, cupping your cheek. Finally, his fingers rub your clit slowly and you whimper, when he does that. He kisses you fiercely and you try to unbutton his shirt when he puts one finger inside you.

“No”, you pull away, “don’t want your fingers. Want you”.

“Love, we’ve run out of condoms”, he caresses your face. You don’t give him the verbal answer immediately; instead, you unbutton his shirt and help take it off of him, and pull him into a heated kiss. It’s open-mouthed, with moans spilling from both of you, it’s demanding, as your hands wander across his torso, it’s bruising, ‘cause you tug on his bottom lip with your teeth.

“I want you to fuck me raw”, you whisper looking deeply into his eyes.

His eyes are widened the second these words leave your mouth. “You’re not on the pill”, he states as if you didn’t know this. You swallow and kiss him again, less roughly now. 

“Just pull out”, you say, “or is it too hard for you?” your cocky smile makes him go absolutely insane. His eyes sparkle with something you can’t quite read, something that makes you grow even wetter. 

He makes a move closer to your face like he’s going to kiss your lips and when you close your eyes, he suddenly pepper your neck with kisses. He sucks on your collarbone profoundly, leaving marks all over it.

“Mine”, he mumbles, biting on the skin between your breasts softly, “all mine”. 

You mewl in response, tugging on his hair and shutting your eyes in anticipation.

As Gwilym kisses all over your boobs, sucking on your nipples and touching just the way you like it, he notices your closed eyes and messy state; he smirks and moves back to your lips; his kiss is tender but searing. “Want you to look at me”, he rubs your clit slowly, almost lazily, making you squirm and whine. “Want to see your pretty eyes as I fuck you”. 

You help him unbuckle his pants, and when he’s fully naked, in all his glory in front of you, you almost howl. You can’t quite believe you’re going to spend your life with him – and love, joy, lust, and desire overcome you. You sit down on the bed, so that his cock is right in front of your face, and you pump him slowly, maintaining eye contact with Gwil all this time. His dominating side seems to fade away, when you put your mouth on the tip, passing your tongue over the slit. And when you look at him innocently, a grin appears on your face. He looks so fucking hot like this: lips parted, breath hitched, eyes filled with lust, a hand on your cheek. While keeping the eye contact, as you’re following his demand, you take all of him in your mouth. Gwil gasps and his hand is on your head, tugging on your hair slightly. “Fuck, baby, you feel so good”, he gasps, “but…”, your head starts bobbing up and down his cock, and he almost loses it. “Don’t want your mouth”, he pants, trying to catch his breath, “want you”.

You pull him out of your mouth with a loud pop, and he bends down to you, kissing you lusciously. He lifts you up and turns you over without any effort. “On your hands and knees, baby”, you obey happily and wiggle your bum for him. Gwil chuckles and smacks your ass, making you drop your head in between your arms. He lines himself at your entrance and teases you by sliding the tip of his dick up and down your slick folds. “You’re so wet, love”, he mumbles, rubbing your back gently. 

“All for you”, you’re heavy breathing – you need more. And he knows it. So he gives it to you.

Gwil slides into you effortlessly and stills for a moment, giving you time to adjust. When you tell him to move, he does it deliberately and leisurely, making the burning ache between your legs even hotter.

“Gwil, baby”, you turn your head just to look into his eyes, “harder, please”.

He stops moving completely. “You sure?” he always asks. Always keeping you comfortable. 

“Yeah”, you nod. You want to add, “Just destroy my fucking vagina”, but you decide to keep it to yourself. For now, at least. 

He pulls out of you only to slam back with all his length. You scream from pleasure and your legs are already wobbly and you know – a couple of more thrusts like this and you’re a goner. You don’t know where this ability to cum so quickly comes from. Gwil feels you clenching around him, and slows down a bit, silently understanding your desire to last a bit longer. 

“So tight, baby”, he whispers, smacking your butt and then giving your ass cheek a squeeze. He touches your shoulder and makes you get up so that your back is leaning against his chest. Huge mirror right in front of you gives the two of you the perfect opportunity to look, to watch each other in the state of pleasure. 

“Look how pretty you are”, he wraps his hand around your neck lightly, “look at you being wrecked by my cock. So beautiful, baby”. And you’re wrecked – with sweaty skin, messy hair and broken moans coming out of your mouth. 

Gwilym takes his hand off of your neck and puts it on your stomach, helping you move. His other hand massages your boob, making your head fall onto his shoulder. The sounds you’re making are no longer humanlike – but words of love are entangled along with them. You both kept your feelings deep inside for too long for them not to be said to each other almost all the time. 

You are the first to come, and Gwil holds you tightly and fucks you through your orgasm. He’s not far behind you and he comes rather fast, biting on your shoulder and grunting your name. 

You come back from your high and catch a glimpse of you two in the mirror. Gwil's face is buried in your neck, kissing and sucking on it. You intertwine your fingers with his and kiss his palm softly. The hotel room smells like sex, sweat, and love. And you know you’ll enjoy it for the rest of your life.

“I love you so much”, he mumbles while kissing all over your shoulders. You hum in response; when Gwil pulls out, you whine at the feeling of emptiness. He chuckles and walks to the bathroom - he comes back a couple of minutes later, with a wet towel to clean up the mess he’s made on our ass. You smile, feeling his touch; it never ceases to amaze you how much influence he has upon you.

“There you go”, he taps your butt lightly and then wraps his arms around your waist. You lean to him, pressing your back to his chest, and let your head fall onto his shoulder. You’ve never felt more comfortable and safe in your life, ever. It’s like you’re in your personal heaven, and you don’t want to leave his warm embrace.

“That’s funny”, he mumbles.

“What?”

“You tell me to leave the job that I hate, and I obey immediately”, Gwilym kisses the corner of your mouth, making you giggle. “But when I was telling you to quit that pathetic job of yours, you wouldn’t ever listen to me”.

“Well, I quitted it, eventually”, you raise your head and turn slightly to look him in the eyes. Gwil lets out an airy chuckle, through his nose, and shakes his head.

“And I’m really happy about it”, you smile softly.

“Of course you would be. I did it to come to Dublin with you”.

“Sounds like you’re regretting it now”.

You shrug your shoulders. “I could have been brain-fucked be Damian by now instead of just being with you. Dunno what’s better”, Gwil smiles and kisses you tenderly. Your neck gets numb, and you turn your whole body, your chest pressing to Gwil’s. The kiss is needy and sweet, with hands on cheeks, soft laughs and noses rubbing together. Every moment with Gwil is so intimate and soulful that you keep wondering how you could ever live without him. How did it happen that only ten months ago you met the love of your life?

“How is it possible”, Gwil says breathlessly in between kisses, “that I”, you kiss him heatedly again, “even had a life before you?”

You look into his eyes and smile sheepishly. “You’re cute, Gwilym Lee”, you put your hands around his neck. He raises his brows and grins back at you, his hands finding their way around your waist and they rest just above your ass.

“Oh, really?”

“Really”.

He looks at you for a while before speaking again. “Wanna meet my parents tomorrow?”

You nod eagerly. “Will Heather be there?”

Gwil rolls his eyes. “I won’t let my sister steal you from me”.

“Nothing can take me away from you, baby”, you peck his lips, “trust me”.

“Will you wear that dress?”

The look in his eyes is hopeful, he’s almost begging. You chuckle and press yourself even closer to him. “That dress means a lot to me, y’know. We met through it”.

“I remember something like that”.

You sigh and roll your eyes, being suddenly irritated with his remark. “Hope you don’t ruin it by the end of the night”.

Gwil’s eyes sparkle and he licks his lips. “Can’t promise you this, love”, he whispers before kissing you one more time.

________________________________________________________________

I would really love to see some feedback because I feel like this chapter is stupid and useless pls tell me what you think

“alio” taglist:  @majesticdiscodeaky @heartsarecompatible @all-my-friends-are-german @magicwithaknife @longing-hiraeth @thelondondreamer5 @roger-taylors-drumsticks @runningoutofwordstosay @chlobo6 @you-and-i-deserve-the-world @queenficarchive @murydedeus03 @alis-volat-propriiis @deacycomics @hollandspcter @gwils-bitch   @crazylittlethingcalleddub-step @painthatiusedto @kaylaylaylayla @rogerinastolemyheart @broken-pieces @chicagoblackhawkslover96 @leah-halliwell92 @brianandthemays @murydedeus03 @rogerfxckingtaylor  @zvzxs

[pwnyta]

Nobody ASKED for any of my shitty Pokemon character doodles... BUT IM IN A MOOD.

SO yall have to deal with it.

This is under a read more so dont come at me about it being annoyingly long. Blame Dumblr. Theres a SHIT TON OF DOODLES UNDER THE CUT.

First off I wanted to give Holly a whole classroom of friends... it wasnt GONNA be an all girls school... but I kept crankin of little girly Mons....

I dont actually have a shiny Darumaka or Eevee... but theyre two of my favorite shinies...

I drew these four after so theyre a bit different in style. Shiny Swirlex has the same excuse as the other two shinies... I just love the shiny colors

They also needed a teacher so I repurposed one of my older characters because I thought itd be funny to have a swan teacher... cuz swans are so scary but they care for their babies well.

Darla and Delilah can be bothered with threats because theyre safe with Mr Shandra.

Mikhail only takes classes that are small enough to fit under his wingspan so he can keep them all safe. And Eva and Tiffany learn from the best and just get pissed off like their teacher.

((Hes more bark than bite though... hes not a great fighter and a double weakness to Electric? Garbo. But he puts up a convincing enough front.))

And because he was a swan I gave him a life mate. The only other being that gets any softness from him.

He was an ex pirate.

Mikhail has no interest in criminals!!! So the captain gave up the pirate life and married a very short tempered bird and gained a lot of weight...because I wanted him chubby.

---

‘’Spider’’, Esi, and dear ol Dad. Despite Reds best efforts to keep Esi out of Osborns hands he still ended up an immensely shady bastard but at least hes not as broken as ‘’Spider’’.

I didnt finish their moms because I couldnt settle on a design for Spiders mum....

Now Spider works for Caedere his beloved boss who would never ever lie to him ever. (Hint: Spiders nature is ‘naive’)

---

I tried revamping Ray and Hebanon...  but Ray still gay as hell for his boy.

I bullied Sparky a little. He’ll probably be fine even if Rays got a Mega evo. Its the name of the game Ray... hes supposed to knock his opponent out... you cant get pissed when ever Hebanon gets fucked up in battle.

---

Did I post these? Am I ever gonna finish these character sheets? No. And look I forgot the most pressing detail of Zippos and thats his fuckin Arbok mark on his back. IM A FOOL.

Kreetan and his mum and dad.

So many little comic things I’ll never finish because theres too many and instead of just stopping and finishing something I keep adding to my unfinished doodles instead. This is why I dont take requests or anything.

I time where Leif and Cyndy actually grow up?

THEY ALL HAVE CAT EARS.

Zippo is curious.

.....AS A CAT.

Polly is here too!! And shes ready to punch someone RIGHT IN THE NOODLE.

I also thought itd be nice to draw out some other Chars of Zippo and Crizs generation.

Theyre.. as you may have guessed are not finished yet.

Clem is a timid lad, Mira... not so much. Very brave

Addy is a modest princess type

Jubilee is a sassy lass.

And Criz. A sweet bashful boy whos never done anything wrong and certainly will not die because no one would be cruel enough to let that happen.

((EYES EMOJI))

Babby Clem, Addy, and Jubilee.

WHO’RE THESE ASSHOLES?!

---

Updated Mistletoe. One spooky righteous(in his own mind) lad.

She only looks stoic to start... but shes quite the weirdo.

She just got here and shes ready to go home. What a mood.

Now for some less polished individuals....

Meh meh meh lookit me IM OMI. Im gonna put three of the exact same Pokemon in the same group so Pwnyta has to suffer tryna come up with different designs.

...But I do like them. I imagine that they remain Ekans because they wont need the mark of their tribe so no one will no where they come from. So spooky.

I was torn between the codename ‘Sundown‘ and ‘Daybreak‘ for Crobat.

By day hes a wholesome trustworthy priest... by night he tortures people for a shady shady bug man. He’ll determine if youre truly innocent.

Doc has to deal with all these fuckin weirdos... he just wants to be a doctor... BUT AT WHAT COST DOC?!

This is a sequel to the doodle comic I was makin in a previous post... Kop and Doc develop an interesting friendship (In Kops mind. Its more a ‘stalker with a crush’ situation) But hey if Kops not being paid then hes got no reason to hurt Doc.

...Docs a fun character to bully because hes so smarmy and small.

---

AND NOW FOR SOME SCIENCE BITCHES.

A man of few words and an intense curiosity with mortal beings and his own existence.

A spooky lad who doesnt quite mean to torment his subordinates... its just his Pressure.

Id imagine his form changes are a bit like Iron Man in IW when hes fighting Thanos.

I drew some more science bitches...

Some casual clothes for the original three stooges.

Shes deaf Franz! She cant hear you.

Ya know IDK if itd be ‘canon‘ that they all met as kids... I just thought itd be cute. Little psychic babies all doofin off together... the most troublesome one being asleep 90% of the time due to being an Abra.... and narcoleptic. Abra sleep so much naturally... Geller sleeps even MORE... thats why hes so incredibly smart even for an Alakazam.

I had a whole little redo sketch comic idea of Mewtwo breakin loose and fuckin shit up.... (its never been finished)

Franz tries to put him to sleep. (it doesnt work. He needs Emanuel and Nola to save him and he gets his arm broken for bein such a cheeky lad.)

Mewtwo doesnt have too much of a problem with Geller due to his soft spot for kids and pure desire for knowledge... but if hes gonna protect the other assholes then PERISH.

Dont worry though big boss Deo wont let his subordinates die let alone the second smartest after him... and saves them all pretty easy. A sharp tentacle arm through the chest will stop even Mewtwo.

Some booboos happen tho...

But hes fine eventually and finds his ex wife home watchin the kids.

Shes promptly expelled.

Geller also goes back for Dilla and steals him. Lifes too short not to adopt an ancient fossil baby.

Emanuel isnt delighted... but he doesnt have the heart to call the authorities on a man who risked his life to save him.

Fossil Mons come in two types-- Resurrected fossils which have the skin color of the primary coloring of their Pokemon form so they can be solid black or blue or red or w/e... Ancestors of ancient Pokemon have normal skin tones.

And another comic sketch idea... where Geller and Roswell are gifted with some fancy new Mega stones... Ros? Not too keen on the idea hes seen what can happen to a bitch when they Mega Evo... he aint got time for that. Geller goes HARD for SCIENCE.

Ros: Geller I know your a spoon guy but stick a fork in that bastard cuz hes done. COOKED. If he thinks im riskin my ass for his bullshit. Lets go tell him off together (im scared to go without you...)

Geller: We experiment on living things all the time for the sake of scientific progress.... are we really too good to be subject to our own studies?

Ros: YES. ABSOLUTELY.

After seeing Geller use his without hesitation, putting his body through a world of hurt for the sake of SCIENCE!!! Ros couldnt pussy out on his boy...

His Mega is just FABULOUS and now he loves it.

--

I was also makin a team with the Pokemon that have the highest stats (non Legends/Psudos/Megas) but I got bored after Blissey. She has a Togekiss wife I didnt finish either... Oh well.

Shes a bold lass and prefers double battles with her support wife. She doesnt like using dangerous moves as its in her nature as a Blissey to heal.

---

(I forgot his whiskers... OH WELL)

I wanted to give Flaminio some people who missed him after he got spirited away by his Ghosts.

After he disappeared people looked for him but he was never found and years and years went by and people stopped looking. Even Clove and Ceto had to move on.

Koban is a loyal bitch though and he never let it go. He still wants his friend back. Hes an old boy now... so old people probably call him ‘Nekomata‘ and wonder when his tail is gonna split.

[eppaljeck]

but uh what i wanted to say was aside from normal regular friends tht talk to me i also need like a close On Line friend whos also like a therapist or a psychiatrist or smthn cuz like the only thing anyone can ever think of when i actually ask them to tell me How they expect me to get better that doesnt involve me killing myself they always say like Get A Therapist but aside from it not actually being that fucking simple in this country ive Been to therapy and they discharged me cuz they thought i was fine cuz therapy doesnt fuckin work for me and aside from th fact tht my mum was always in the room with me id rather fucking die than talk about issues or Drama that arent happening right that second like i dont wanna tell them shit thats Over now cuz its over its done i wanna move on and since things happen practically 24/7 theres a LOT that they never actually hear about fuck im even supposed to be going to the school counselor and even she doesnt know jack fucking shit abt What Goes On the only possible way i can tell someone my problems is if theyr on this fucking website reading my posts and talking to me When Something Happens but i know thats practically impossible and would never happen bcs What Fucking Psychologist Uses Tumblr All The Time plus theres a lot of backstory n shit that theyd have to learn abt and stuff thats now like Completely Normal to me tht theyd have to get used to especially if they didnt already have like 3 years of experience on this hellsite cuz 99% of the shit we say and do here would get VERY different reactions from normal ppl than what were all accustomed to but since theres literally No Fucking Way this would ever happen even like someone who actually fucking had Literally Any Actual Ideas Or Independent Thought Ever that could actually Help Me and give me Advice rather than just saying either "you need help" "kys" "you need to stop" or just "I Dont Know" cuz NONE OF THOSE HELP ANYBODY!!!!!! and while im on the subject of not fucking helping anybody, if you like hate me or dont like me or whatever Fine disliking me is perfectly justified and understandable and im not fuckin sayin u cant hate me cuz honestly i deserve it but like quit fucking sending me asks that just say "youre abusive" or "You Abuse People" or "youre a shitty person" or anythin like that cuz guess fucking what!!! i know!!!!!! idk what yr tryna achieve by sending me the same shit I Already Know over and over again but like its not gonna help change jack fucking SHIT youre not helping anything and yr certainly not being a useful member of society like if you want me to change so fucking badly dont fucking shit on me for trying to improve myself and become a better person and like Move On With My Life So I Can Slowly Try And Heal Myself Over Time actually fucking HELP ME and TELL ME WHAT YOU EXPECT ME TO DO bcz tryna bring me down while im doing Really Fucking Well is the polar opposite of Good you fucks want me to change right? you hate me you want me to stop etc etc then How About you actually make a god damn effort to help me do what you keep telling me to do over and over again give me Constructive Criticism let me know if im Doing Well give me Methods and Advice on improving myself and dont just fucking try and make me feel like a horrible person for Trying To Get Better

[spin-me-a-tapestry]

85 question game

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag twenty people

tagged by @dasfreefree

the last

drink: water

phone call: a work call lol

text message: (to my friendo kelsey) “aahhhh omg i totally forgot lolol ill do it tonighy”

song you listened to: Do I Wanna Know? by The Arctic Monkeys

time you cried: *katya voice* i havent felt emotion since the accident (jk it was yesterday lolol)

dated someone twice: never lolol

kissed someone and regretted it: back in junior year of high school when i had to kiss someone on stage for the musical lolol

been cheated on: never

lost someone special: i guess when my grandma died which was 3 years ago now

been depressed: right now lololol

gotten drunk and thrown up: back in junior year of college i did a performance art piece for one of my classes where i filmed myself taking a shot of vodka roughly every minute for a half hour (i ended up consuming like 19 shots)

three favourite colours

baby blue

forest green

baby pink

in the last year have you

made new friends: hhmmmm idk??  ive def met new people

fallen out of love: idt ive ever been in love so uuhh no

laughed until you cried: prob this past weekend

found out someone was talking about you: idk im always paranoid about other people talking about me tho

met someone who changed you: not really

found out who your friends are: i guess??

kissed someone on your facebook list: nope

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? basically everyone

do you have any pets? yep! a kitty

do you want to change your name? not really, i cant really picture myself with any other name tbh

what did you do for your last birthday? my friend took me out to brickwall tavern and i had a really good chicken pot pie

what time did you wake up? for work i have to get up at like 6 or 6:30 but when im not working it depends on how late i stayed up the previous night lolol

what were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping

name something you can’t wait for: to move the fuck ooouuutttt and also to have enough money to go on a trip somewhere ive been dying to travel

when was the last time you saw your mum: last night cause uuhhh i live at home still :’)

what are you listening to right now? the sound of my own typing

have you ever talked to a person named tom? yeh!!  i was friends with a guy named tom in college and we had a lot of studio classes together but i havent talked to him in a while

something that is getting on your nerves: work related things

most visited website: its between tumblr youtube and facebook i kinda just check those three on an endless loop all the time

hair colour: blonde but im trying to grow the color out so my natural colors coming through (its like a light brown)

long or short hair: suuuuuuuper long i havent gotten a haircut in like a year

do you have a crush on someone? yeh sort of

what do you like about yourself? im smart and funny and actually have some common sense B) B) B)

piercings: just one on each ear

blood type: omg i used to know this and i forgot but i think im AB something

nickname: ernie B)

zodiac: capricorn

pronouns: she/her

favourite tv show(s): Rupauls Drag Race, Steven Universe, Legion, Chewing Gum, Bob’s Burgers, Louie, Black Mirror, Face Off

tattoos: none but i want one sooo baaaddd

right or left handed: left!

surgery: got my wisdom teeth removed and got a mole excised but thats it

sport: played basketball for 2 weeks in the 1st grade lololol

vacation: last time i went on a legit vacation was last year to Cape Cod with the fam

pair of trainers: sketchers B)

more general

eating: nothing right now but i just had a panera sandwich & chips & a cookie for lunch

drinking: water

i’m about to: avoid doing more work for the next like 10 minutes

waiting for: this day to be over so i can go home and sleep

want: to go to the beach again before summers over but the weathers been so crappy

get married: i honestly dont want to???  like if i settle down with someone and they wanna get married i would but if they didnt id be cool with that too

career: just trying to make money and pay my bills tbh i havent done what i actually enjoy doing (art) in months

which is better?

hugs or kisses: ive never been kissed before but i think id enjoy kisses more tbh

lips or eyes: waahhh this is a hard one!!!  uuhhhh eyes

shorter or taller: taller

older or younger: older or same age

nice arms or nice stomach: both please (but nice arms is always gud)

hookup or relationship: relationship!

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant but its my secret fantasy to be a troublemaker rebel lil shit who doesnt care about anything and like has millions of piercings and a shaved head and wears leather jackets all the time u feel me

have you ever

kissed a stranger: nope!

drank hard liquor: thats literally all i drink lolol

lose glasses/contact lenses: i lost my glasses multiple times as a child my parents were not happy with me

turned someone down: yeah a few times and i honestly regret it but im such a nervous anxiety-ridden lil shit its a vicious cycle

sex on the first date: prob not i would get nervous just kissing someone on the first date

had your heart broken: oh yeah

been arrested: nope!  just pulled over a couple times

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: hehehehehehehehehehehehehe

do you believe in

yourself: recently not really but im trying

miracles: not really??  its nice to think that miracles do happen but im not spiritual/religious enough to fully believe in them

love at first sight: hell no its a lie

santa claus: i mean who else gives me sick presents certainly not my parents who eerily have the same exact handwriting as santa claus

kiss on the first date: never been kissed never kissed anyone so no

angels: idk about this one cause i like to think that somehow family members who have died are looking out for me???  but again my atheist ass finds it hard to believe

other

eye colour: green!

favourite movie: u cant ask me this do u know how many movies ive seen i cant even count all my fave movies on both my hands

idfk who else to tag cause all the people i know have already been tagged so if u see this and u follow me DO IT IF U HAVENT ALREADY DONE IT!!!!!!!

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 2: An Old Friend Part 1

So, it´s been a while, but so many things have happened, but now I´m finally done with my masters thesis. Now let´s go back into the travesty that is the Hogwarts Exposed Saga. 

When we last left off, the Sues had portkeyed to Fort Lauderdale, only to be apprehended by a gang of rapists. Yeah. 

But, as if knowing what to expect, each boy leapt toward a different girl on the count of three, knocking his respective target to the hard asphalt covered ground. Art had targeted Jamie and held her menacingly against the ground, his knife at her throat. "If you try anything like that again, I'll slit you in two from your skinny neck right down to your cunt. Get the message?" I´m kinda surprised that Jamie Sue wasnt able to fight back, given that she is so powerful. 

"Art, something is weird about these girls," Phil said, holding out Caitlin's wand to Art. "These three were all carrying sticks like this in holsters attached to their leg." "Where is your little stick Miss Big Tits? "Art asked as, without warning, he lifted Jamie's skirt above her waist. Momentarily he froze; then as he rubbed his fingers over her mound said, "You and I are going to have lots of fun."

Just in case you forgot that this is Hogwarts Exposed.  "Guys, check out this bitch!" Art yelled as he forced Jamie to her feet, her skirt still gathered to her waist. "No panties and not even a trace of stubble anywhere on her pussy or ass."

I hate this fic.  "These two don't either," yelled Phil and Pete. "This one is a smooth as a baby," voiced Lance.

A smooth what? Kim stared at the severely pockmarked Lance. Other than knocking her to the ground, he hadn't touched her and had no way of knowing what he had just declared.

That doesnt mean anything.  "Gentlemen, we are about to have a party," Art declared, "but not here. Let's take these ladies across the street to the parking garage where we can see them better." "What about the sticks they were carrying?" Phil inquired. "Just toss them," Art instructed. "They're probably some new type of stunner or spray. I don't intend to fuck up my night with them. You guys lead the way with your lady friends. "And ladies… don't try anything. I'll have my knife at 'Miss Big Tits' back the entire time. One mistake on your part and she'll be making a visit to the morgue."

In case you haven´t noticed, all of Neils bad guys sound the same. 

Meanwhile, the others portkey to Fort Lauderdale as well and can´t find the girls, except for their wands. 

Emily had never felt so scared and vulnerable in her entire life. As they crossed the street, a number of automobiles sped by, but the drivers evidently were in too much of a rush to notice the terror on her face. A taxi slowed down, but Art waved the driver on. When they reached the garage, Phil yanked open a metal door leading upstairs. Caitlin screamed, as his hand reached out and prodded her butt. He shoved her face first into the cement steps. "Scream again bitch and you've had it," he threatened.

Isnt Caitlin supposed to have these superior Sue Powers due to her being a Hyperempath, that can make her torture everyone with her mind as she pleases?

Why isnt she using that now? "For Christ's sake, leave her alone," Lance said. "Let's just grab their dough and get the hell out of here before someone tips off the cops!"

In case you haven´t noticed, Lance is Neil´s self insert Mary Sue here, the token good guy of the rapist gang.  "You are a fucking fag!" Pete declared, ripping off Emily's skirt with one hard yank. "This looks like prime stuff to me. No way am I going anywhere before I fuck this hairless little bitch. Besides, shit for brains, do you see any pocketbooks?" "You got that right. Look at these boobs!" Art said, ripping Jamie's top off as easily as if it were made of tissue paper. "You don't think I'm going to pass up the opportunity to suck on these babies, do you?"

I have a feeling that Neil is speaking through Art as well.  "Don't worry," Lance whispered in Kim's ear, "I won't hurt you."

That doesnt sound creepy at all in a situation like this. Not.  "But what about them?" Kim begged softly, her eyes glistening. "They're my friends. Please don't let this happen." Lance looked helplessly at Kim, as she stared at Caitlin, who lay motionless on the stairs, blood trickling from a gash on her forehead where her head had made contact with the rigid cement.

Caitlin, use your Sue Powers dammit.  Pete brandished a fifth of whiskey and after taking a swallow shoved it in Emily's face, slopping it all over her. "Stop wasting that stuff," Art yelled. "What's the matter, think you're too good to party with me?" Pete grabbed Emily by the back of the neck. "Open your mouth," he hissed. Digging his fingers into her neck, he pulled her head back. Finally she gave in and opened her mouth. He poured the whiskey slopping it in her face and forcing her to swallow. Emily gagged, but resisted heaving. "You're a sloppy little bitch," he said, ripping her shirt open and wiping her face with it. "Damn, I can't wait to stick my shaft in your little gold mine. FUCK YOU NEIL Phil, hold her for me." Cut for more creepy rape build up. 

"Jesus, she's pissing on herself," Pete said, drawing his hand away, but only momentarily. The vision actually seemed to be exciting him as he quickly unzipped his pants. His penis in his hand, he started to lower himself on Emily.

Neil has some really creepy fetish with peeing, if you haven´t noticed. And it´s getting worse in a few chapters on..... Then, just as his body was about to make contact with Emily's, he let out a terrifying scream and grabbed his head with both hands. Blood was covering both sides of his face and his body was writhing in agony.

Why did it take so long for Caitlin to use her Sue Powers again?  "What the fuck!?" Art yelled, no longer paying attention to his captive, Jamie. "What just fuckin' happened?" Jamie now had the opportunity she had been waiting for. She hastily removed her wand from the invisible sheath she had been given by Mr. Ollivander for saving his shop. Why didnt she do this immediately when the rape gang appeared in the first place?  "STUPEFY! STUPEFY! STUPEFY!" she yelled in quick succession as she pointed her wand and shot red beams of light at Art, Phil and Pete in turn. But when she turned to Lance, Kim stepped in her path.

What is it that makes Lance so different from the others?

* * * * * *

The others try to find the girls, and suddenly Hermiones gets to make hyperempathic contact with Caitlin. 

"Their okay," she finally said. "It was touch and go for a bit, but everything is under control now."

I repeat: it would not have gotten this ugly if Caitlin had used her Sue Powers on them earlier!  Harry, Ron and Sam stared at her. "Caitlin?" Sam finally asked. "Did she just contact you telepathically?" Hermione, nodded. "Her Sue powers are unbelievable when she concentrates on using them. There is a parking garage across the street. They're on the top floor. We should try to get there before the magical reversal people arrive." They hurried to the mouth of the alley and then practically ran across the street and up the stairs of the garage. When they reached the roof, they momentarily all froze as they absorbed the sight before them. Kim was standing talking animatedly to a youth who was wearing what appeared to be a gang jacket. This is the first actual descrition we get of them. Three other youths, dressed similarly, were lying unconscious and tied securely. Jamie, Caitlin and Emily seemed to be reassuring each other, their clothes either partially on and torn or not on at all. "MUM! DAD!" Emily shouted as she ran toward them. "IT WAS AWFUL!"

Yeah. 

But given that this is Hogwarts Exposed, not really surprising. 

And in general, rape is not a thing that should be used for angst or shock value in fiction - it´s just wrong! 

"Mum, I know it was wrong," Caitlin cried. "You warned me about using my Hyperempathic powers to injure, but I had no choice. He was about to rape her! I couldn't let that happen… she's my sister… I love her.

Caitlin, this was pretty much a situation of self defense, and you could have avoided most of the rest if you used your Sue Powers earlier.  "They all thought I was unconscious, but I wasn't. I was concentrating, trying to reach you, but you hadn't arrived yet. He had getting ready to… oh god, you know… then I remembered the knife they were using. I visualized it slashing his face on both sides, and immediately he was screaming and blood was gushing from the slashes I had given him through my thoughts." Hermione looked toward the boys to see which had been slashed. "He healed as soon as I stopped visualizing hurting him," Caitlin explained.

Apparently Caitlin is such a pure Sue that she couldnt even kill the guy who was raping her sister.  Hermione put her arm around Caitlin. "I know what you think you did was horrible, but listen. You have been given a gift, a powerful gift that is capable of both saving lives and taking them. Your choice to only hurt him when you could have just as easily killed him shows get strength of character. Your Dad and I are both very proud of you. Use your Mary Sue Powers wisely, my Child!" "I imagine that is your handiwork?" Harry asked Jamie as he studied the unconscious and bound gang members. Jamie nodded her head. "Once Caitlin had them distracted, it was easy to get to my wand. Muggles don't stand a chance against magic."

The last sentence sounds kinda creepy.  "That is why under normal circumstances it should never be used against them. I think, however, that in this case the use was certainly justified. What about him?" Harry asked, indicating the boy talking to Kim. "He seems different from the others," Jamie answered. "He didn't touch Kim and even tried to talk the others into letting us go."

And now we move to the most disgusting aspect of this completely pointless sub plot - the portrayal of Lance as the main victim of this entire thing!  Lance was speaking in a soft voice to Kim. "I've never been with a girl, even on a date or anything. Girls won't have anything to do with me. I can't help my face; it's so ugly. But I wouldn't ever want a girl that didn't want me. Do you think a girl like you would ever want to go out with me?"

Why the fuck are they talking about this, just right after attempted mass rape? "Yes," Kim said. "If you were nice to her, and protected her, a girl would want to go out with you."

Shut up Kim -_-  Lance stared at Kim for a minute, trying to decide if she meant it, or was just lying to make him feel better. What possessed her to do it, she'd never know, but Kim kissed him, and then ran to talk to Caitlin leaving the boy standing dumbfounded.

Neil´s wish fulfillment  After a few minutes of conversation with Harry and Hermione, Kim returned to Lance with Caitlin by her side. "Lance, my friend Caitlin has Sue powers that are uncommon even among our people," Kim said. "I've asked her to try something, something that could change your life. Will you trust us?" "Yeah," the youth said without hesitation. "I trust you." "I've never tried to do anything like this," Caitlin said. "I have to touch you; actually run my hands across your face. It won't hurt. Whether I'm successful or not, it won't hurt."

So....she´s turning him into a frog? Lance nodded his head. He wasn't sure what these girls had in mind. He was still trying to deal with the information that witches actually existed and that Kim and her friends actually were.

And yeah, they won´t wipe his mind afterwards.  Caitlin began to run her fingers and palms against Lance's skin, akin to a sculptor working with clay. She missed not a spot as her fingers caressed his nose, ears, checks and neck, every part of his head. Then for the briefest time, hideous scares and pockmarks invaded her face. Subsequently, as fast as they came, they were gone.

So she turns him beautiful with her Sue Powers. Because Beauty equals Goodness. 

"I think you'll find the girls quite eager to kiss you now," Kim said, gazing at Lance with appreciation. "Be careful though in your choices. You, better than anyone, should know that outer appearances don't necessarily portray the person within."

Barf.  "What did you do?" Lance questioned. "She gave you a second chance," Harry said. "One of the prime excuses you had for falling into the company of these scoundrels no longer exists. Leave now while you still can, with the memory of what has transpired intact. Remember what has happened, but tell no one, else you will be considered by them a liar and a fool. Now get out of here."

Easily forgiven. 

I hate this fic.  Lance looked in turn at Harry, then Caitlin and finally Kim. "I wish I were a part of your world," he said smiling. "I'll never forget you," he added as he turned and ran down the stairs.

I wonder if Neil ever planned on having this cardboard stand return as a possible love interest for Kim. 

Because he certainly never appears again or is ever mentioned again after this chapter.  The boy had barely disappeared from sight when two loud pops, announcing the arrival of members of the American Improper Use of Magic office disturbed the early morning quiet. "What the hell happened here!?"

* * * * * *

The American Accidental Magic Reversal Squad, once they arrived, had been quick to put everything back into its proper order. The three gang members had their memories adjusted, and were portkeyed to the scene of a staged robbery, where they were taken into custody and charged by Muggle police. Obviously, under the circumstances, it was impossible to charge them with the crimes they had actually committed against the girls, but this way they would at least serve deserved jail time.

Well, yeah. 

Cut for more boring talk, including Harry talking about cancelling the trip, only for the Sues to object. 

"I actually prayed to die rather than have them touch me," Jamie sobbed. "I didn't want to leave the shower after I finally got in. I felt like I could never wash the stench of him off my body. But now I realize I have to put it behind me. It's over. Concentrating on it will only soil the future and continue giving our attackers power over us."

Neil, this isnt how trauma works -_-  "Never pray to die," Caitlin said, hugging Jamie. "That summer when Hooch attacked me and I was abandoned in the woods, I prayed for a fast death. God knew better and didn't answer my prayer. Now I have you, all of you." She looked from one to the other. "I have horrible memories in my past, but my present with all of you makes them bearable. You can never forget atrocious things like what happened today, but you have to go on and savour the positive things life offers."

Caitlin only ONCE acted like a girl who was raped by another woman, and that was when a naked Jamie dragged on her. After that, nope, she never acted like that again, exept for that one “agony of the stick” scene that never was mentioned before and never got mentioned again afterwards.  Kim had sat quietly as everyone commented. Then as tears burst from her eyes, she spoke. "Maybe what happened today was for a greater purpose. I'd like to think it was to give a person a second chance at life. I'm hopeful that because of us, Lance's life will change.

Yeah, yeah yeah, after a gang tried to mass rape you all, Lance is surely the main victim here. I hate this fic.  "People can affect other people's lives, you know. You've all affected mine." She looked from person to person, her eyes finally stopping on Emily. "Before, I met you, I tried to kill myself three times. I was getting better at it. I think if I had tried one more time, I might have succeeded. But you stuck your nose into my life and turned it upside down, or maybe in my case, right side up."

Well, the Mirror of Ytidun said so.  Caitlin, Emily and Jamie stared thunderstruck at Kim, as did Harry and Hermione. She had never before revealed this information about herself to them. "Ruffians like we met today are no different than terrorists," Kim stated. "They are cowards that strike the innocent and defenseless. We can't let our lives be directed by such lowlifes."

Again, this is not how trauma works! 

This section ends with this:

"We're also hungry," Emily announced. "Do you think this place has room service?"

* * * * * *

Although certainly not able to remove the morning's experience from their minds, the girls all left the hotel with a determination that they would not allow it to ruin the holiday they had looked so forward. As they squeezed into two cabs for the short trip to the dock, Hermione shushed Emily when she suggested that perhaps her Mum should put an enlargement charm on the interior. When they passed the parking garage, Caitlin and Jamie exchanged nervous looks and reached for each other's hand, sure that Emily and Kim in the other cab were sharing similar feelings.

This is the last time the whole incident is mentioned. Afterwards, the Sues act as if it never happened, and as said earlier, Lance is also never mentioned again. 

And I wonder, why the hell was this portion in this fic in the first place?

What was the purpose on it? What effects is this going to have on the rest of the fic? 

I guess it was used for the same reason why Caitlin and Hermione were molested by Madam Hooch - pure sensationalism. 

"Why did those two blokes look at us so strangely?" Ron asked as the two cabs pulled away.

Foreshadowing.  "Think about it," Sam said. "The drivers were Muggles and they just transported ten people to a dock to go on a cruise." "Yeah! So what's the problem?" Ron asked. "I think they were rather confused by the fact that we had no luggage for a ten day cruise." Sam answered. "Oh my!" exclaimed Hermione. "I should have thought about that." She looked carefully around. "Harry, you and Ron best enlarge our luggage before we board the ship. It might be a nudist cruise, but I'm sure it will seem very strange if we appear to have no luggage."

Occasionally you forget that this is supposed to be a Harry Potter fanfiction, more so than with My Immortal, of all things.  "Is that our ship?" Kim asked wide-eyed. "It's beautiful." "That's it," Harry said. "The Sun Princess. It is ten years old, but as beautiful as the day it was launched."

He used the name of an actual ship.  "It is pretty," Emily agreed, "and extremely big. I can envision getting lost very easily."

Cut for more boring, they check in, and the section is including a throwaway character named Bill.

As Bill guided them to the lift, Jamie pulled Hermione aside. "Just two of us to a room? Does that mean that Alex and I would have had our own room together for ten days if he had decided to come?" Hermione gave Jamie an 'I'm sorry' smile and nodded her head. Jamie shook her head. "I'm going to kill him. When I see Alex Ward in September, I'm going to literally kill him." She didn't mean it, but was just frustrated that they had missed this wonderful opportunity to be together.

We never get to know why Alex didnt get to come, and as we never actually see Jamie go after Alex, this was just very pointless. 

So, the Sues are then having lunch, and then we get introduced to Kims actual love interest:

Between bites, Kim was checking out a very handsome boy who had just joined the serving line. "We're here to have fun, right?" she said. "Let's make a pact that anything that happens the next ten days stays on the ship."

Kim is around 13. You´d be forgiven for forgetting this, given the way they all talk.  "Sounds to me like someone intends to cheat on Randy," Caitlin said kiddingly.

You forgot that Kim and Randy were a thing? You´re not the only one, given how forgettable and pointless Randy is in the first place.  "Not so much cheat as have fun," Kim explained. "Randy would most likely get upset if he even knew I talked to another boy."

Again, we know next to nothing about Randy, except that his name is Randy and that he hangs out with Matt, whose character gets assasinated later in this fic.  "Yeah!" Caitlin agreed. "Matt's the same way. He's really special to me, but he can be rather possessive at times."

This is the first time in the entire Saga that this is established. Neil, there is something called show, don´t tell!  "Does that mean that we're four single underage girls on the prowl for a good time this week?" Emily asked. "Make that three girls," Jamie corrected. "And be careful how good a time you have. Remember you guys are all underage."

For once, I agree with Jamie. Yeah, I can´t believe I actually typed this.  "Gee Sis! Get a grip," Emily said. "I didn't mean anything like that. I just meant swimming, dancing, fooling around. After what happened this morning, I'm sure none of us are thinking about sex."

And then it´s never even hinted at again. 

Also, you most likely already noticed how Emily is the one of the Sues that basically only talks about sex - yet in a few chapters it is suddenly established that she doesn´t know how children are made. 

I hate this fic.  "You got that right," Caitlin said, and Kim agreed.

So, I can´t bear any of this any more today. 

But lets return to the framing device:

“Ha, that was rather easy!”, said Ebony after she had eliminated Ariana Black and all her cheerleaders. Suddenly Gerard Way appeared in front of her. 

“So, I finished up this preppy poser!” said Ebony, “where do you want me to go now?” Gerard then opened up another portal. “The place I want you to go now and defeat the Sues is very dangerous. It is a world so terrible, not even you can comprehend what is happening.” 

Ebony then jumped sexily into the portal. 

She then found herself in a very colorful and cheerful place. It was a very colorful city, and “CWC” was written on everything, even the roofs. 

Ebony wanted to vomit. 

[relationshipadviser-blog]

Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/louise-redknapp-strictly-put-the-fire-back-in-my-belly-but-it-didnt-break-up-my-relationship/

Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

For 19 years, the former Eternal star gave up everything to play housewife to her famous footballer husband. So what does it feel like to have walked out on that life and reinvented herself?

The night before I meet Louise Redknapp, I go to see her in her latest West End show, 9 to 5 The Musical. She plays Violet, the character made famous by Lili Tomlin in the classic 1980 film, and in many ways the most obviously feminist character in the story. Redknapp herself is very enjoyable to watch, stomping around the stage, furiously pointing out that men get promotions for laughing at the bosss jokes while she is not even thanked for making the coffee. But, not long ago, this casting would have seemed bizarre.

Redknapp has been in the public eye for a quarter of a century, but she has never exactly been associated with feminism. After studying at the Italia Conti stage school, Louise Nurding, as she was then known, shot to fame at the age of 18 in the early 90s girl group Eternal, and then cemented her celebrity status by achieving that ultimate 90s ambition, marrying a footballer Jamie Redknapp, the son of manager Harry. Their telegenic union the pretty pop star and equally pretty sports star predated the Beckhams, but the Redknapps were a less flashy proposition. When their first child was born, in 2004, she quit her by then solo music career to live in what she frequently described as domestic bliss. Redknapp came across as sweet, unthreatening and a bit bland, and seemed destined for a contented life as a Surrey housewife with her two sons, Charley, now 14, and Beau, 10, living among the footballing dynasty. But then, in 2017, Redknapp did something that no one expected: she walked out of her marriage.

I meet Redknapp, 44, in a room in the Savoy hotel in London, just above the theatre where she is appearing in 9 to 5. As well as performing tonight, she will spend the afternoon finishing work on her upcoming album, Heavy Love, her first in 18 years, which will be released in October. Whatever emotional toll her divorce which was finalised in December 2017 has exacted on her, it has certainly motivated, or freed, her professionally.

Redknapp as Violet Newstead (centre) with Natalie McQueen and Amber Davies in 9 to 5 The Musical. Photograph: Simon Turtle

In tight black trousers, ankle boots and a loose dark top, her hair long and highlighted in various shades of gold and auburn, she looks almost identical to how she did in her pop heyday. She embraces me with the easy warmth of one who is very practised in the art of making strangers like her.

Did you see the show last night? Did you like it? Its fun, right? Oh good, Im so glad. You liked it, right? she says with more nervousness than I had expected: she was the one, after all, who chose a new storyline, and walked away.

We talk about the show, and Redknapp eagerly brings up how timely its revival is, off the back of the #MeToo movement. She insists she never experienced any sexual harassment when she was working as a 90s pop star and appearing in mens magazines: Maybe because I was so young, she suggests, which isnt the most credible reason. Or maybe because [Eternal] were so successful so quickly, so the record company cocooned us, she adds, which seems more plausible.

And yet she does feel a personal connection to 9 to 5: You know, its about female empowerment and I think Im at a stage of my life when I really need that, to stand up and be strong, she says.

Although Redknapp makes frequent references during our conversation to her gang of girlfriends, seeing her onstage the night before was the first time I had seen her surrounded by women since her Eternal days. For the past 20 years, whenever she was photographed she was invariably with her husband. I tell her it always surprised me that she was never part of the group of high-profile wives and girlfriends of other footballers, given how ready-made she seemed for that role. But she was never photographed out having a laugh with Colleen Rooney and Cheryl Cole. I think Jamie, being that slightly bit more old school, didnt want any of that. His sport is what comes first, no circus around it. So I just kept to myself, she says.

When Redknapp confirmed, in September 2017, that her seemingly perfect marriage was over, the circus around the two of them could hardly have been more hysterical. While the British public is very used to footballers leaving their wives, no one seemed to know what to make of the narrative being reversed.

It was more mutual than that but, yes, I moved out, she says, carefully, when I ask if she initiated the divorce. She was followed by battalions of paparazzi every night and the celebrity press tutted at her late nights on the town (to the theatre, where, at the time, she was starring in Cabaret).

With Jamie Redknapp in 2010, seven years before they split up. Photograph: Paul Grover/Rex/Shutterstock

At around the same time, Wayne Rooney was accused, again, of infidelity when he was caught drink driving with a young woman who was not his wife. But whereas Rooneys actions were treated with a benign just-Wayne-being-Wayne shrug by the public, Redknapp was nationally castigated for having a midlife crisis and abandoning her children. Did she notice the disparity between the coverage of the two stories?

I did. I felt it. And I felt really, really bullied. It made me want to scream. Just because I went back to work and my marriage wasnt working out doesnt mean I wasnt with my kids, she says with a rod of fury in her voice. And, yeah, when I was in Cabaret I wasnt putting them to bed every night, but its no different to a man in the City working late.

Or Jamie doing late-night football commentary? Yeah, on A League of Their Own. Jamie would then take the kids on holiday and the papers would say: Oh, what an amazing dad. And he is an amazing dad; I cannot say a bad word about Jamie when it comes to being a dad. But no one patted me on the back when Id taken the kids on Easter holiday on my own for the past 10 years. Jamie had to work doing the football, it was school holidays, so Id take them on holiday and never once did anyone say: What a great mum. It was really tough sitting back and not speaking up.

There was such widespread bafflement at Redknapps decision to leave her marriage that there was inevitable speculation about why. Many cited Strictly Come Dancing, on which Redknapp had appeared the previous year, and its record of ending relationships. Strictly put the fire back in my belly, but it didnt break up my relationship. After 20 years of marriage, it takes a lot more than that, scoffs Redknapp.

It was also suggested that Redknapp was having an affair with the model Daisy Lowe, who had appeared on Strictly with her. Redknapp reels back against the sofa when I mention this.

I really think the double standards were coming into play there, she says. Because people were adamant there had to be a specific reason for you leaving your husband? She nods: Yeah, and Daisy and I only went out together four times or something. So the idea [that I left my husband for Lowe] I remember my kids saying: Mum, are you going out with Daisy Lowe? And I had to say: Guys, no. I became peoples morning entertainment while they read their paper on the train and ate their croissant. I tried to laugh it off, but the damage these stories were doing to me and those around me was huge.

Redknapp or Louise Nurding as she was then with her Eternal bandmates in 1994. Photograph: Tony Larkin/Rex/Shutterstock

In order to understand the end of a marriage it is necessary to understand its beginnings and, for all the lurid speculation, the path that led the Redknapps to divorce was all too prosaic. When they married in 1998, she was at least as big a star as him, but she happily gave up her music career to be a wife and mother: It took me so long to get pregnant the first time four years so I was just so in love with my little boy, she says. And, for the first seven or eight years, it was quite nice to not have to worry about where your records going, or if people like you. But as time went on, Id drop the kids off at school, go home, walk the dogs and then go home and think: I have five hours until school pick-up. Thats a long day. It was fine when they were young, because Id pick them up at 12. Then it changed; theyre at school and doing sport, Jamie was doing his thing, and there was pure panic. I was lonely and I felt like I had nothing to say.

Redknapp and her ex-husband have been careful in speaking only positively of one another throughout their divorce, but hints of other narratives shine through the cracks. She refers to him as a family man and their marriage as traditional, and while he grew up in a close, old-fashioned family, she was the daughter of a very independent working mum, and, yes, maybe subconsciously, she agrees, that might have created some problems between them. She was not a football fan (No, never, she says, firmly and proudly), so I ask if it was ever a tiny bit dull being ensconced with the Redknapps, given that her then husband, father-in-law and husbands cousin, Frank Lampard, are all football royalty. I think I just got used to it, she says with a winning smile.

Redknapps explanation about the split is that she had low self-esteem and didnt feel able to say she wanted to start working again, and in no way was that her ex-husbands fault. I wish Id spoken up and said how I felt, but I thought everyone would think I was nuts and say: Why are you low? Look at you, youre so lucky.

But if you had spoken up, would Jamie have been OK with you going back on the stage and in the studio? She pauses: I dont know. But at least Id have known I tried, she says.

So it was easier to leave than to say anything? Her voice drops: Maybe. We women dont make it easy for ourselves.

Given Strictlys record of ending relationships, I ask if she agreed to be on the show because she saw it as a way out of her marriage. You know, I like to think no. I like to think not at all. I think I just went into Strictly looking for something to do.

These days, Jamie still lives in the Surrey family home and Redknapp is a few minutes away and they share custody of their children. It is clear that she feels liberated by her divorce, so I ask if she plans to revert to her maiden name. She looks poleaxed by the suggestion. Ummm no. Its such a mum thing, but the thought of not having the same name as my kids, I could cry thinking about it. But maybe if Jamie gets married Id have to change it I dont know how that works, she says with an anxious giggle.

This leads us to talking about dating, and whereas Jamie has been photographed with several women, Redknapp has remained single. Its really hard for women. Im beginning to think Im never going to meet anyone Ive not been out for a meal, just me and a guy in a restaurant, in two years. That makes me sound really sad, doesnt it?

It takes a while to get over a 19-year marriage. Yeah, I think its easier for men, she says.

With her dance partner Kevin Clifton on Strictly Come Dancing in 2016. Photograph: PA/Guy Levy/BBC

It doesnt upset her when she sees her ex-husband out with other women (But, yes, of course, its hard for the boys. I tell them, Dads a single man and hes doing nothing wrong, she says). Sometimes, though, it is a bit strange. The day before we meet, he was photographed with the British model Lizzie Bowden, who was widely described in the press as a Louise Redknapp lookalike. It is kinda weird! And then I start looking at them thinking, Do they look like me? But hes got his taste, she says with a shrug.

I like Redknapp. Yes, she has that tendency, common to graduates of stage school, of affecting immediate intimacy, but there is an emotional honesty to her that is almost certainly born from the ordeal of the past two years. It is impossible not to cheer for a woman who for so long was defined in relation to others first a pop group, then a husband taking the risk to strike out on her own. And although many were surprised when she left her high-profile marriage, there has long been a more independent streak in her than her hotter-than-average girl-next-door image suggested. She did, after all, leave Eternal in 1995 after their hugely successful debut album to launch her solo career.

Id just had enough, she says. We were very different and had different directions. We werent harmonised. Girl bands are tough.

Does she mean they were fighting? Not fighting, just, um, different, she says, diplomatically.

She talks excitedly about her plans for the next decade: more albums, more musicals, and, of course, bringing up two teenagers.

But what Id really like to do is buy the rights to a movie and produce a stage show from it, she says.

Any in particular? Thelma and Louise, she replies, and smiles.

Louise Redknapps new single, Stretch, is out now. She appears in 9 to 5 The Musical until 29 June

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

[mysteriouslyzealouspandalov-blog]

Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

New Post has been published on https://relationshipguideto.com/must-see/louise-redknapp-strictly-put-the-fire-back-in-my-belly-but-it-didnt-break-up-my-relationship/

Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

For 19 years, the former Eternal star gave up everything to play housewife to her famous footballer husband. So what does it feel like to have walked out on that life and reinvented herself?

The night before I meet Louise Redknapp, I go to see her in her latest West End show, 9 to 5 The Musical. She plays Violet, the character made famous by Lili Tomlin in the classic 1980 film, and in many ways the most obviously feminist character in the story. Redknapp herself is very enjoyable to watch, stomping around the stage, furiously pointing out that men get promotions for laughing at the bosss jokes while she is not even thanked for making the coffee. But, not long ago, this casting would have seemed bizarre.

Redknapp has been in the public eye for a quarter of a century, but she has never exactly been associated with feminism. After studying at the Italia Conti stage school, Louise Nurding, as she was then known, shot to fame at the age of 18 in the early 90s girl group Eternal, and then cemented her celebrity status by achieving that ultimate 90s ambition, marrying a footballer Jamie Redknapp, the son of manager Harry. Their telegenic union the pretty pop star and equally pretty sports star predated the Beckhams, but the Redknapps were a less flashy proposition. When their first child was born, in 2004, she quit her by then solo music career to live in what she frequently described as domestic bliss. Redknapp came across as sweet, unthreatening and a bit bland, and seemed destined for a contented life as a Surrey housewife with her two sons, Charley, now 14, and Beau, 10, living among the footballing dynasty. But then, in 2017, Redknapp did something that no one expected: she walked out of her marriage.

I meet Redknapp, 44, in a room in the Savoy hotel in London, just above the theatre where she is appearing in 9 to 5. As well as performing tonight, she will spend the afternoon finishing work on her upcoming album, Heavy Love, her first in 18 years, which will be released in October. Whatever emotional toll her divorce which was finalised in December 2017 has exacted on her, it has certainly motivated, or freed, her professionally.

Redknapp as Violet Newstead (centre) with Natalie McQueen and Amber Davies in 9 to 5 The Musical. Photograph: Simon Turtle

In tight black trousers, ankle boots and a loose dark top, her hair long and highlighted in various shades of gold and auburn, she looks almost identical to how she did in her pop heyday. She embraces me with the easy warmth of one who is very practised in the art of making strangers like her.

Did you see the show last night? Did you like it? Its fun, right? Oh good, Im so glad. You liked it, right? she says with more nervousness than I had expected: she was the one, after all, who chose a new storyline, and walked away.

We talk about the show, and Redknapp eagerly brings up how timely its revival is, off the back of the #MeToo movement. She insists she never experienced any sexual harassment when she was working as a 90s pop star and appearing in mens magazines: Maybe because I was so young, she suggests, which isnt the most credible reason. Or maybe because [Eternal] were so successful so quickly, so the record company cocooned us, she adds, which seems more plausible.

And yet she does feel a personal connection to 9 to 5: You know, its about female empowerment and I think Im at a stage of my life when I really need that, to stand up and be strong, she says.

Although Redknapp makes frequent references during our conversation to her gang of girlfriends, seeing her onstage the night before was the first time I had seen her surrounded by women since her Eternal days. For the past 20 years, whenever she was photographed she was invariably with her husband. I tell her it always surprised me that she was never part of the group of high-profile wives and girlfriends of other footballers, given how ready-made she seemed for that role. But she was never photographed out having a laugh with Colleen Rooney and Cheryl Cole. I think Jamie, being that slightly bit more old school, didnt want any of that. His sport is what comes first, no circus around it. So I just kept to myself, she says.

When Redknapp confirmed, in September 2017, that her seemingly perfect marriage was over, the circus around the two of them could hardly have been more hysterical. While the British public is very used to footballers leaving their wives, no one seemed to know what to make of the narrative being reversed.

It was more mutual than that but, yes, I moved out, she says, carefully, when I ask if she initiated the divorce. She was followed by battalions of paparazzi every night and the celebrity press tutted at her late nights on the town (to the theatre, where, at the time, she was starring in Cabaret).

With Jamie Redknapp in 2010, seven years before they split up. Photograph: Paul Grover/Rex/Shutterstock

At around the same time, Wayne Rooney was accused, again, of infidelity when he was caught drink driving with a young woman who was not his wife. But whereas Rooneys actions were treated with a benign just-Wayne-being-Wayne shrug by the public, Redknapp was nationally castigated for having a midlife crisis and abandoning her children. Did she notice the disparity between the coverage of the two stories?

I did. I felt it. And I felt really, really bullied. It made me want to scream. Just because I went back to work and my marriage wasnt working out doesnt mean I wasnt with my kids, she says with a rod of fury in her voice. And, yeah, when I was in Cabaret I wasnt putting them to bed every night, but its no different to a man in the City working late.

Or Jamie doing late-night football commentary? Yeah, on A League of Their Own. Jamie would then take the kids on holiday and the papers would say: Oh, what an amazing dad. And he is an amazing dad; I cannot say a bad word about Jamie when it comes to being a dad. But no one patted me on the back when Id taken the kids on Easter holiday on my own for the past 10 years. Jamie had to work doing the football, it was school holidays, so Id take them on holiday and never once did anyone say: What a great mum. It was really tough sitting back and not speaking up.

There was such widespread bafflement at Redknapps decision to leave her marriage that there was inevitable speculation about why. Many cited Strictly Come Dancing, on which Redknapp had appeared the previous year, and its record of ending relationships. Strictly put the fire back in my belly, but it didnt break up my relationship. After 20 years of marriage, it takes a lot more than that, scoffs Redknapp.

It was also suggested that Redknapp was having an affair with the model Daisy Lowe, who had appeared on Strictly with her. Redknapp reels back against the sofa when I mention this.

I really think the double standards were coming into play there, she says. Because people were adamant there had to be a specific reason for you leaving your husband? She nods: Yeah, and Daisy and I only went out together four times or something. So the idea [that I left my husband for Lowe] I remember my kids saying: Mum, are you going out with Daisy Lowe? And I had to say: Guys, no. I became peoples morning entertainment while they read their paper on the train and ate their croissant. I tried to laugh it off, but the damage these stories were doing to me and those around me was huge.

Redknapp or Louise Nurding as she was then with her Eternal bandmates in 1994. Photograph: Tony Larkin/Rex/Shutterstock

In order to understand the end of a marriage it is necessary to understand its beginnings and, for all the lurid speculation, the path that led the Redknapps to divorce was all too prosaic. When they married in 1998, she was at least as big a star as him, but she happily gave up her music career to be a wife and mother: It took me so long to get pregnant the first time four years so I was just so in love with my little boy, she says. And, for the first seven or eight years, it was quite nice to not have to worry about where your records going, or if people like you. But as time went on, Id drop the kids off at school, go home, walk the dogs and then go home and think: I have five hours until school pick-up. Thats a long day. It was fine when they were young, because Id pick them up at 12. Then it changed; theyre at school and doing sport, Jamie was doing his thing, and there was pure panic. I was lonely and I felt like I had nothing to say.

Redknapp and her ex-husband have been careful in speaking only positively of one another throughout their divorce, but hints of other narratives shine through the cracks. She refers to him as a family man and their marriage as traditional, and while he grew up in a close, old-fashioned family, she was the daughter of a very independent working mum, and, yes, maybe subconsciously, she agrees, that might have created some problems between them. She was not a football fan (No, never, she says, firmly and proudly), so I ask if it was ever a tiny bit dull being ensconced with the Redknapps, given that her then husband, father-in-law and husbands cousin, Frank Lampard, are all football royalty. I think I just got used to it, she says with a winning smile.

Redknapps explanation about the split is that she had low self-esteem and didnt feel able to say she wanted to start working again, and in no way was that her ex-husbands fault. I wish Id spoken up and said how I felt, but I thought everyone would think I was nuts and say: Why are you low? Look at you, youre so lucky.

But if you had spoken up, would Jamie have been OK with you going back on the stage and in the studio? She pauses: I dont know. But at least Id have known I tried, she says.

So it was easier to leave than to say anything? Her voice drops: Maybe. We women dont make it easy for ourselves.

Given Strictlys record of ending relationships, I ask if she agreed to be on the show because she saw it as a way out of her marriage. You know, I like to think no. I like to think not at all. I think I just went into Strictly looking for something to do.

These days, Jamie still lives in the Surrey family home and Redknapp is a few minutes away and they share custody of their children. It is clear that she feels liberated by her divorce, so I ask if she plans to revert to her maiden name. She looks poleaxed by the suggestion. Ummm no. Its such a mum thing, but the thought of not having the same name as my kids, I could cry thinking about it. But maybe if Jamie gets married Id have to change it I dont know how that works, she says with an anxious giggle.

This leads us to talking about dating, and whereas Jamie has been photographed with several women, Redknapp has remained single. Its really hard for women. Im beginning to think Im never going to meet anyone Ive not been out for a meal, just me and a guy in a restaurant, in two years. That makes me sound really sad, doesnt it?

It takes a while to get over a 19-year marriage. Yeah, I think its easier for men, she says.

With her dance partner Kevin Clifton on Strictly Come Dancing in 2016. Photograph: PA/Guy Levy/BBC

It doesnt upset her when she sees her ex-husband out with other women (But, yes, of course, its hard for the boys. I tell them, Dads a single man and hes doing nothing wrong, she says). Sometimes, though, it is a bit strange. The day before we meet, he was photographed with the British model Lizzie Bowden, who was widely described in the press as a Louise Redknapp lookalike. It is kinda weird! And then I start looking at them thinking, Do they look like me? But hes got his taste, she says with a shrug.

I like Redknapp. Yes, she has that tendency, common to graduates of stage school, of affecting immediate intimacy, but there is an emotional honesty to her that is almost certainly born from the ordeal of the past two years. It is impossible not to cheer for a woman who for so long was defined in relation to others first a pop group, then a husband taking the risk to strike out on her own. And although many were surprised when she left her high-profile marriage, there has long been a more independent streak in her than her hotter-than-average girl-next-door image suggested. She did, after all, leave Eternal in 1995 after their hugely successful debut album to launch her solo career.

Id just had enough, she says. We were very different and had different directions. We werent harmonised. Girl bands are tough.

Does she mean they were fighting? Not fighting, just, um, different, she says, diplomatically.

She talks excitedly about her plans for the next decade: more albums, more musicals, and, of course, bringing up two teenagers.

But what Id really like to do is buy the rights to a movie and produce a stage show from it, she says.

Any in particular? Thelma and Louise, she replies, and smiles.

Louise Redknapps new single, Stretch, is out now. She appears in 9 to 5 The Musical until 29 June

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

[asksansweredpdf]

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? i feel like it was teenage rebel - chameleon circuit hahaha

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? well, i often do tarot spreads for this. but i guess i would ask - you know. i’m not sure

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? literally just surviving it all

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? maybe a few work ones, or the time not long ago i was put in a group assignment for uni. we all decided to meet up after our group presentation for drinks and hang out and i had a really fun time making new friends and hanging out with people

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? oh man i would have WAY less anxiety about everything. knowing that nothing i do will matter in a year would be so freeing and liberating. i’d probably get a new job and actually get my motorbike license and go for rides 

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? i don’t have a bucket list but i’ll try to think of 3 things i’d like to do before i die -

this has been in my drafts for days and i honestly can’t think of a thing. 

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? nope

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? honestly i can’t remember. oh! i think maybe 6 months ago i got high and started over thinking and got sad and started crying. my roommate walked past because i forgot i had the door open and hugged me and then left after a bit

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. ideally, it’d be a close friend. but i dont have those. so maybe if i could go back in time and stargaze with an old friend. otherwise, my current friend hj is cool! actually, i’d love to get high and stargaze with him.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? i have before. but no, i wouldn’t now. i’m not like that anymore

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? it was 4 months ago, with my old best friend’s ex-boyfriend (i think they broke up? i dont talk to either of them anymore). i used to be close to him anyway, like we were also best friends. and we used to be roommates.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d love to look my mother in the eyes and say “i’ll never forgive you” but. it doesn’t feel right as much as i mean it. i guess i’d like to say it to both my parents. but i have to pick one person. .... i guess i would get my old best friend who i havent spoken to in 6 years and say “i’m sorry. i missed you for years. i’ll always love you” or something equally dramatic

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? i have them and i love them. they’re so beautiful

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. i’m picking a few because fuck the police “being human is a condition that requires a little anaesthesia” was from the bohrap movie. relatable mood. reminds me of my mother which makes me uncomfortable “fall down 7 times, stand up 8. higher, further, faster” from captain marvel. i’ve been through soooo much fucking shit in my life. and i feel like it just keeps coming (well. the shit keeps coming and it don’t stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming) and sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is. like what’s the point of trying to be happy when i’m just going to be let down again. and so it’s encouraging to change perspective from that to, we get up higher, further, faster

“my skin has gone from porcelain, to ivory, to steel” - sansa stark  it ties in with the captain marvel one. in that shit just keeps happening. and i feel the same way. i used to be so free and naive and i’m not that person anymore. i guess it makes me feel less alone. 

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? “

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? buy a house for myself, buy a few investment properties so that i know i’m always secure financially. put a couple million in the bank. buy houses for my friends and family, donate the rest

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? yes and yes. i feel like i’m really understanding, and so i forgive people when it’s understandable. but once it’s past a certain point, i’m not at all forgiving. i hold grudges too. i like being this way

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. “hey kid. happy birthday! well, this is where things start to get really hard. you’re going to go through a lot even though you think you won’t. people are going to leave you and treat you despicably and betray you. almost everyone you love will completely screw you over. you will have no one to count on except yourself. i’m not saying this to scare you. but i want you to know that even when you feel like it’s too much to handle, you’re so much stronger than you’ll even realise. you have so much turmoil ahead of you, but i love you so much. you’ll come out the other end with anxiety and so scarred. but you’ll survive it. all of it. you’ll survive. there’s no lesson or greater purpose. i’m not going to tell you that it all happens for a reason, because it doesn’t. just trust that you have what’s in you to face anything. once day this will all feel like a bad dream and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. best of luck. ps there is no god”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. love them both. they’re hot and cool

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? nah, i only wear make up to work. and that’s because i work in sales. part of getting people to like you is being attractive. make up makes you more attractive. when people like you, you have more influence over them and you make more sales

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. runaway by pink. that song just. what a mood. and family portrait. i relate to both of those songs so much. even when i was going through shit, i had that song that i could sing and even though things were never okay, they made it bearable

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. be kind to each other?

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. 1st was a pink concert i went to when i was 15! we were super poor so this was a major deal. i waited in line for ages and my back started hurting real bad. but as soon as she got on stage everything went away. it was electrifying and she performed my favourite song. and i had eyeliner on which i cried off because she was my idol and it was amazing. her dancers were also super hot and i re-affirmed my bisexuality because i was like. wow. yes 2nd was lana & borns. my sister made me go with her to see lana del rey who i dont really give a shit about. she’s cool but im not like a major fan. borns however, i adore with every fibre of my being. borns was the opening act which was cute. i was one of the only ones in the crowd who knew him and everyone behind me was like gasping and talking about how cute he is. which also re-affirmed my sexuality. up until that point i thought that maybe i was a lesbian because i didn’t tend to find men too attractive. but borns? nope, i knew i was bi. then lana came on. it was okay. i knew a fair amount of the songs and apparently pissed everyone off by singing? i just thought that’s what you did at concerts dsjgdslkr but i had fun.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love to get a letter from an old best friend of mine saying sorry & that we should catch up. i feel like i havent had a friendship as full of connection as the one we’ve had. it’s been years and i still dont have anyone that could possibly replace her. but i worry that if we ever did try to re-kindle things it just wouldnt work out. which would lead me to ask myself if there was ever going to be anyone else who i’ll have that connection with. but it’d be nice at least

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? i don’t have a desk! i had one for about 3 months and it was organised. i was always too poor to afford a desk and it just wasnt a priority when i used my bed

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? go upstairs, lay in bed, read .... words, stay up until my eyes are closing for me. sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? my parents opinion literally means nothing to me. i wouldn’t care what they do/don’t know. i guess id prefer if they didnt know about the drugs because my mum did them a lot and it led to her being abusive. so they’d be suuuper judgy and probably take them off me and shit. but once im moved out, i dont really care. they wont be able to do much about it

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? i’d love to have a shaved thing. my hair’s already short. but my dad’s homophobic and doesnt want me to get it short. i dont give enough of a shit about it to argue with him so i leave it. but if i could, having a cool shaved thing would be nice

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? i dont think i even have 5 friends, and if i do, we certainly don’t have fun together. i’d just go by myself. i’m lots of fun to be around when it’s just me

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. i wish for a job that has stable income, consistent hours, a kind staff, and is something that i’m not constantly fucking up. - i wish for this because i feel like getting up every day to do something that doesn’t give me panic attacks (that i might even be able to enjoy) is such a dream. and if it gives a stable amount of money and hours, i’d be able to plan things and have a life instead of worrying about them calling me at literally any given moment and asking me to work. which means i’d either have to work or stammer out an excuse on the spot & have the managers be mad at me i wish for a living space that i can afford & is either by myself or with people who aren’t terrible. or with people who can’t fuck me over if they get mad at me. this would step 2 of being happy for me. having a job that doesn’t make me anxious = job that could make me happy. living space that is secure and mine and that no one can take away = reduction of anxiety and security = potentially being happy.  i guess i’d use the 3rd wish on having a car or motorbike. being able to get around without relying on anyone or public transport would be nice. i can go to places whenever it suits me and i’d be independent. i can just decide to go to an art gallery without it having to be a major planning thing or something that would take 2 hours to get to and from. it’d be very liberating 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. omg! last halloween. i borrowed an old friend’s witch costume. it was this cute corseted dress with a mini skirt & suspenders that attach to stockings. i bought a matching wand and witches hat. i looked super cute

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? i havent done terrible things under the influence hey. i mostly just have fun and keep to myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? i dunno man. one million dollars is a lot of money. surely any of my usual morals would fly out the window. murder would become questionable. like it’s $1 million. i guess maybe not murder because if i went to jail then i wouldnt be able to spend the $1m. mass murder of like children and innocent people i probably wouldnt do. even if i got away with it

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? 1 song would be maybe americans - janelle monae. it’s a tune and you can listen to it for any mood really 1 person? i’ve purposefully gotten rid of any person i would want to only see for the rest of my life. not in a murder way, i just cut ties with them

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. many a time. it’s a really nice thing! not just romantically. but for me, i just suddenly can’t stop thinking about them. like every spare second i have i’m wondering what they’re doing, thinking about our inside jokes, planning what i’ll say next, wondering what to wear to impress them next, planning how i’m going to work this funny story i want to tell them, etc. and i won’t be able to stop smiling whenever they’re around. the worst giveaway for me is when i can feel myself excessively talking to other people about them. and i can’t stop.  it gives me something to think about that makes me happy. something that makes me happy to distract from usually the shitter things.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i am a girl and i have really really short hair. i rock it. i also rock black nail polish

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? i hate coffee. so i usually order a white hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows. i’d trust anyone to order it for me. as long as they didn’t screw up and get me the white chocolate mocha, which has happened a few times 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? alcohol. music! probbaly music before alcohol. i love music. cigarettes. and my phone

[isaacathom]

ok this is actually a fun bit of writing here, even if the preceding shit was kinda garbage

tl;dr this bitch has to rant about this stupid book because i naively want to learn something about my family’s history and this is the only fucken way to do it

‘When he discovered he had to work to help provide for this instant family of a large flock of children, ‘Mick’ showed his true self and devotion to the family.

Within a year of the marriage, he left the fold, leaving his wife to fend for herself in the daunting task of raising her children.’

like.aside from just being kinda awkwardly worded (he bangs On and On about how his mum was the 11th of 11 children like fuck i get it its a big family, holy shit) i think thats just. a good concept there. the space really sells the punch. wouldve been better if we hadnt been told beforehand that Mick was a cunt, yknow. but thats nice

also lets keep going. ‘6 step brothers and 4 step sisters’ theyre actually her Half Siblings. they all share the same mother. theyre related. she’d be step if she was adopted, which she was not, because if she were, surely we wouldve been told about those circumstances.

‘[his mother] easily met that high standard as she was a very pretty young lady’ please dont perv out over your fucking mother you pig of a man. also you would hope ‘jock’ (his name is fucking robert but ok, Jock) was interested in more than how pretty Nellie was when they got together, right......... like there had to be more to it. am i naive? perhaps

‘scottish clan gordon’ the what. but we arent gordons???? are you. are you hundred percent sure. are you positive about this. are you sure thats why your name is gordon. alright buddy

‘according to buzzy’s story’ please never refer to yourself in the third person

‘hotels rarely burn down’ ?? i dont buy that at all. my guess is this famous hotel (which.... you didnt name so ok)

ok so theres a picture in here of my dad standing at some random gate, and he says its the same gate as a picture of his dad..... where is THAT picture??? this picture means nothing without that historic context, and it feels hollow if the actual picture isnt there.

granddad you dont. you dont need to wikipedia article dump me information about glasgow??? i mean sure, cool, id rather just be reading the wikipedia article.

jesus christ. so hes talking about his dad, right. who he’d technically set up earlier by saying he came to melbourne at 19. before he launched into a whole thng about his mother and shit. and suddenly hes come back to his dad to explain that his dad (so gordons grandfather) used to beat him! and its like, wOAH, where the fuck did that come from??? shit dude. thats rough. but he just mentions it suddenly out of nowhere. oH JESUS actually. sorry. i misread (yknow, because its written like shit). he means.... his brother??? right, he means his Brother Robert, was beaten by his dad, also named Robert, who was the one who came to melbourne aged 19. ok. ok that makes slightly more structural sense but ooof. ouch. poor robert (the younger). in my uh, defence, this book is written awful and i've never met robert? (my.... understanding is that he probably died before i was born? like with mary, who i dont recall having met either)

ok uhhh ‘most of the gorbal’s tenemenets were eventually demolished by the wise founding fathers many decades later, in the 1980s’ the WHOM. this isnt fucking america, this is scotland, what in the actual fuck are you TALKING about????????????????????????????? ‘modern day replacement improvements and architecture designed to achieve, what?’ fucker they were trying to fix the mistake they made in crowding 90k people into the fucking gorbals. maybe they didnt succeed (they didnt) but they were trying, it was naivete rather than fucking malice, you bitter old fuck. like, you visited in the 1980s.... and published this book in 2007......... without thinking to check back......... like hey maybe theyve gotten better? (newsflash - they fucking have) sooo... fuck

‘could the [my family] be related? [to the mcdonalds]’ yes??? we literally are. theres no question of that. being a sept of clanranald, we are Literally related to the fucking macdonalds. you absolute buffoon. yea its distant, and maybe thats your point, but when combined with you launching into this giant diatribe about rhw Campbells for shit that happened long ago, it seems youre picking and choosing how close ‘related’ is. we are. literally. related to the macdonalds. also it wasnt thought up in glasgow, they were from fucking new hampshire. but sure. 

‘his sheila wife of his’ excuse me?

‘so the name was related to a buzzing bee i suppose’ ? i still dont get it. like, he then explains that apparently his twin sister had difficulty saying Brother, so she called him Buzzy. that makes sense to me. i can understand that. but the buzzing bee thing? not sure i follow, given the prior context he provided. i dont get it. this is written like garbage. theres no structure. we went from jumping forward in time to the birth of my uncle Dale (my dads older brother) and suddenly we’re talking about Mick’s running career and gordon’s childhood! what the fuck happened.

‘coupled with the bigoted attitudes that were rife during those periods’ says the man who got angry at a black (i THINK, mightve been a separate story)  frenchman who couldnt speak english in France because ‘we saved them’. fuck off. youre just like them, you old codger.

also hes decrying his grandfather mick for being ‘no true irishman’ even though micks dad was full irish? by that exact same metric i can call my grandfather no true scotsman, because his dad is full scottish and thats it!!! you fucking fool. no true irishman, holy shit, how little self awareness could this man have.

‘then excessive drinking liquor isnt for me’ but is Is for your wife, is it gordon??? drinking wine when shes on antibiotics??? fucking incredible. god theyre. theyre so stupid.

‘not proceeding as a scholar as i could have’ you literally admitted like 5 pages ago that your twin sister was Far smarter than you, but sure! ~scholar~. if you were meant to be a scholar surely you wouldve bounded back from missing days with a vengeance. youre talking complete tosh.

im confused why theyd be doing bombing drills in South Yarra.... in preparation from a japanese air raid.... like im sorry, if the people north are doing their jobs, theres no physical way they couldve gotten to south yarra....... but ok. thats not his fault i just think thats strange.

im 110 pages in and he hasnt actually gotten to the point where he meets eleanor??? aside from a few time jumps forward and a brief mention of ‘meeting her in a milk bar in south yarra’ so like. hoi vey? the fuck.

oh jesus thats. thats a heavy thing to just chuck in the middle of a sentence??? like ‘oh yea after Skete the next scout leader was a paedophile who abused me and the others’ wwwOooahhh there buddy back up. what???? holy shit. ouch. thats. thats rough.

‘absolutely belted this poofta bastard’ yknow what? fair. id also beat the fuck out of a pedo with my boot. thats Relatable. good going on that, i suppose.

ooh thats full third person, weird.

one thing that is definitely kinda interesting, and very telling about his relationship with his family, is that he only ever refers to Nellie as ‘mum’, but refers to Mick as, well, Mick! rather than ‘granddad’ or anything of the sort. like its just sorta interesting when you get this big family photo and Nellie is the only one not called by her first name.

‘returning to those earlier days’ NO! FUCKING MOVE FORWARD IN TIME YOU GIT!!!! holy shit i just want to read about new fucking shit.

......... so like, at some point while playing footy, an opposing player kicked him in the leg and caused a fractured tibia. so a few weeks later... one of gordons friends took a mark on that player and kneed him straight in the head, with that player never playing again. and he’s PROUD of that!!! he’s proud of his friend for ruining a guys footy career. like yea, the guy was a dick, he broke your leg and it was at least partially malicious, but like........... you fucked him up????? hardcore?????? a straight up ruination. but go off i guess.

its interesting that he doesnt go even remotely into eleanors history beyond the fact (so far) that her father Leo didnt say much but was a good dude. then again the books all about him soooo fuck it i suppose.

‘recognition of our scottish heritage’ eleanor isnt scottish tho. shes irish. shes an o'donoghue. what the fuck. like yea naming them dale and glen is a ‘clever’ nod back to scotland (i actually do think thats cute and clever, joking aside. its the exact sort of ‘clever’ shit i love pulling) but............. shes not scottish. unless we’re waiting for volume 2 all about eleanor.

hE USED TO LIVE OUT HERE??????? IN SPRINGVALE????? fuck me. no fucking wonder we live here, huh, jesus. that. certainly explains something, i suppose. like ‘if you were raised in holbrook and YOU were raised in thomastown, why do we live in knox?’

OHHHHH HERES THE FRENCH THING!!!! OHHHH HERES ONE OF THE FRENCH THINGS. OH BITCH behold

so granddads being a dick, as usual, and he’s on some tour in paris. and the tour guide launches into a long thing about the glory of france, like french history and the fighting record, etc. and granddad calls out and tells him to knock it off, because ‘our australians died by the thousands for your country’

i. eh... uhh............... is he. is he aware? of how many french people died???? for france?????? how many????? il tell you how many - apparently 1.44% of the total population of france. thats 600000 people. how many did we lose? around 35k. thats, uh, a smaller fucking number. than the amount of french people. who died. for fucking france. you fucking idiot.

it kills me. is he gonna include the french speaking one too???

oh hell that sure is a picture of my father. good heavens. holy shit my brother really does look like him. thats uncanny, man.

‘one son Scotty’ his name is Scott, actually. not scotty. but cool, i got a really small shout out, weirdly BEFORE my older cousins did???? oh dear is he gonna talk about my uncles divorce actually. oh god. thats. thats terrifying to consider. oh, cool, he didnt in that small section, hopefully it doesnt come up haha (i can only IMAGINE what sort of vile shit he’d say about cathy)

also, ooh, more nuggets on grandma’s family. her dad was a freemason! thats cool.

ooh! he was the president of holbrook shire council! thats kinda neat actually.

ooh! the glenndale motel actually still exists! thats cool as hell. not that granddad told me that i just googled it

OHHH ITS THE FUCKING FRENCH SPEAKING STORY OH MY GOD

Ok first off ‘i slammed my fist into the counter and said very calmly’ yea no fuck that, youre fucking lying. theres no way you slammed the counter and spoke calmly. you almost definitely abused this poor french metro worker who, being a French Man living in France, is not required to know english. you fucking babboonnnnnnnnnn

apparently he nearly fell off a mountain innnnnn geeermany? austria, austria. and as he mentions my dad pulling him back up, he words it as ‘stopping me from falling to my final destiny’ what fucking wording IS that. my god.

uh well ok thats. about it i suppose. there was a big hullabuloo about like, hotels and shit, and there was probably some racism about Islanders in there (like i find it hard to believe there wasnt but im not gonna go back and double check, because this book reads like absolute garbage). but eh. yea?

uuhhh so that was an Adventure, for sure

[apsbicepstraining]

Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘

The tennis star talks about swearing on courtroom, dancing for Beyonc and why shes criticised for being both extremely masculine and extremely sexy

There are so many line-ups to Serena Williams. Slick and powerful in ends and leotard, she dances, squats and moves beside Beyonc in the video for Sorry. “Shes been” lauded by Claudia Rankine, whose award-winning, book-length song Citizen last year outlined Williams as hemmed in as any other pitch-black person shed against our American background. She is the worlds top-earning female jock. And arguably more than any of her contemporaries, her body has been the focus, the point of intersection, of so many arguments about femininity, ability and hasten that it would nearly be possible to overlook the tennis.

But the tennis, of course, is memorable. Williams has acquired 21 grand slams. One more next week at Wimbledon, tell would bring her level with Steffi Grafs total, and merely two short of Margaret Courts all-time register of 24. Williams has been playing since she was three. In September, she swerves 35. If she stays fit, if the forte views, if she preserves acquiring, if young competitives prosper temperately, perhaps she knows how lunge herself through the constricting spread of time to leave a new digit in the record books. But meanwhile, she is singing karaoke at a pre-tournament party. When a Tv interviewer points out that a strap of her harvest top has passed, she commits her shoulder a brief gleam. Yeah, she responds. I know. Through everything, she is a self-stylist.

How did you get involved with Beyoncs book Lemonade ?

Weve known each other a really long time. Ive known the chairman[ Dikayl Rimmasch] since he was nine. My solicitor its his son. We kind of grew up together. They were like, It would be good for Serena. Beyonc had so many inspirational women in that persona, in her documentary video. She alleges she loves when I dance cos I dance like no ones watching. Im like, Oh, but thats different cos theres no camera, theres no one watching. But, yeah, thats kind of what I was trying to do. It worked out good. She had a lot of parties. She had Trayvon Martins baby, Michael Browns[ father] as well, the victims of that shameful violence we are seeing in the United States, as well as some beautiful ballerinas, body-imaging women who really enjoy themselves and hug themselves, so other beings cuddle them, too. It was really powerful putting African-American ladies together in her floor, because shes certainly a super strong African-American woman.

Did she explain it to you in those expressions ?

She excused it to me in different expressions, but we kind of have a same take over a lot of things. Shes are going through so much and been so positive.

Some beings argue that alone African-American wives can truly be attributed to Lemonade

No! I thoughts women in general can relate to it. I think it was a powerful part for everybody, I think it certainly, 100% traversed colouring boundaries. Absolutely.

Did you and Beyonc examine some of the topics adultery , for example ?

Oh God , no. No, thats not my I dont know about that. It was just getting together with strong women.

Over its first year, your form has been described and criticised repeatedly. Why do you think people have felt so free to statement ?

I guess its a part of being in the public eye. You have to accept that people are going to have a remark, whether its your body, or your look, or your hands. It could be your feet. Nothing is off limits. I think thats why, growing up, my mum not consciously, subconsciously schooled myself and all my sisters to be so strong. It readied me for these moments.

Did she do that particularly with regard to torso figure ?

A little bit. Also my older sister, more. But she ever taught us to cherish ourselves and I think that is a wonderful letter that I spread now to so many girls. Its really important. You are who you are, you cant change it. And youre beautiful.

Do the comments still hurt, or did you stop listening ?

For every negative explain, theres a million good remarks. I ever suppose, Not everyones going to like the room I search. Everyone has different types. If we all liked the same situation, it would reach the world a really boring target! What matters most is that I like myself.

Right. Because youve been described as more muscular , too feminine …

Too muscly and too masculine, and then a few weeks subsequently extremely risque and very sexy. So for me it was just really a big joke.

Have you thought about originating your eyebrows extremely, very long only to show people that you get to decide ?

No, its fine. I find it really funny. Sometimes its true. Im like, Gosh, I need to chassis these countenances! Cant argue with the truth sometimes!

You have prevailed in a white-male-dominated world without compromising whom you. Do “youre feeling” you have fought for pitch-black women everywhere ?

I do, but I feel its for all women everywhere. I have so many different people, hastens and colourings who are in a position associate with my floor, whether theyre poverty-stricken or rich or middle class, it doesnt thing. My objective is to inspire every woman out there. My new articulating for the past few years has been: The success of one dame should be the brainchild for the next. And by the way, very great for your health and it impedes young women and girls out of trouble.

This task of inspiring or representing others does it sometimes feel like a job or additional burdens ?

I dont see it as a responsibility and a imperative, but I cuddle it because I am who I am. I appear I can give that content because Im living that word. Does that make sense? I embrace it and I enjoy that I have an opportunity to do it because a lot of beings dont. And I dont have to be anyone different, cos the committee is me. And it really fits well with me.

Claudia Rankine included a long area about you in her brilliant poem Citizen. Was that a bombshell ?

Totally. She interviewed me, very. Her section[ on pitch-black excellence, for the New York Times] was one of best available acts Ive read. It wasnt about a fib, it was just about the truth. And that lyric, with me in it it was so potent. I adoration her work.

Rankines poem refers to the mistaken decisions by umpire Mariana Alves at the US Open in 2004, which contributed to your early departure from the tournament. It includes the line: Though no one was saying anything explicitly about Serenas black torso, “youre not” the only onlooker who thought it was going in accordance with the rules of Alves sightline Did that resonate with you ?

I precisely felt it was very true. And thats why I liked the narrative[ on black excellence ], very. It was just circumstances that are true. Theres happening there are still actuality, and theres fiction and what she supposed, she just said happenings. Those are simple facts.

Was there anything in particular that stood out, where you detected she nailed it ?

That line you opened is a great example, but theres a lot of material. Besides all that, shes a really inducing writer.

You said that your dad describes you as a good daughter, and the working day you hope to have good juveniles, extremely. Is having children on your sentiment ?

It is, it is. It is something I think about a lot, especially now. But I repute everything will be OK. I have a feeling that everything is going to work out, and I dont ponder I am done with what I am supposed to do now hitherto. I just dont feel better duration, and I thoughts when it is time, everything will work out.

And will you know when its age ?

Yeah, I feel Ill know. I know Ill know. Ive been intuitive my whole life. I just think when everything is done and articulated, Ill have a great feeling, and Ill have a great life, I hope.

Do you have a number of grand slams in your premier that you want to reach before you allow yourself to adjourn ?

No. I never even thought, at 21, I would be here. I dont imagine anyone “ve been thinking about” it. I signify, maybe some people do, but I didnt. I dont have a number. Im precisely relying on a believe. A good old feeling.

The poet Claudia Rankine, whose book-length lyric Citizen includes a segment about Serena Williams. Photograph: Anna Webber/ Getty Images for The New Yorker

Male tennis actors can just go on playing without needing to decide or choice in the same way

Man! Theres a part of it thats exactly not fair! But its OK. I emphatically wouldnt have it any other way.

You formerly told a line magistrate : I swear to God Ill fucking take the pellet and shove it down your fucking throat. Will “youve been” flip out on tribunal again ?

I will always be myself. Yeah. I will always be myself, and if that includes getting furious, thats what that is. I perhaps wouldnt use some of the language. But other than that, I dont want to be anyone else. Im Serena, Im happy to be Serena, and I will always be Serena. And if Im not true to myself, then who am I?

Serena Williams was talking at the Delta Air Route Baseline Sessions, for which she is an official diplomat

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