#it was very much the takeaway of “well u know u dont have to do that anymore. right. right? just admit it was bad. right?”

[yellowocaballero]

#i love this au so much#Cody's and Obi Wans relationship just has me screaming#the characterisation of Cody#just like#cycles of abuse#Cody as a parent is like i know I'm not the parent i want to be and I'm more like my own parent than i ever wanted to be#but i can't change because i don't want to change because doing better is to admit that i did wrong in the first place#admitting i did wrong is to admit i had a choice but i had no choice#but actually i did and i made the best one. i had the best of intentions so it's fine. it'll never be fine.#i need to let my son kill me so he can be free of me. all i want is to be near my son. my presence can only hurt my son.#i need to give him closure. i need to make up for what i did. there is nothing to make up for. better me than anyone else.#I'll never apologise because to do so would to admit i had a choice and i was wrong but i had no choice so i must have been right#and then Obi Wan is like. i hate him he gave me nothing. i speak his language i see the world through the lens he gave me#I'm nothing like him. i understand him more than anyone. i don't want anything from him. all i want is his apology so he can be in my life#i never want to see him again. i miss the life i had with him. i have to hate him because if i don't I'll miss him.#God I'm so crazy about this metaphor. i needed this metaphor. what this represents is just so real @starwarsbutbetter

I love how you guys describe this series. I want to read the series you guys are describing. Can I read what you're reading. It sounds really good. I'm just vibing here.

But also you GET IT thank you!!!!! I think a fun thing about the way I wrote the series is that I get to approach the same character over the course of very many years, from very many viewpoints. From people who he raised and people who view themselves as his sworn enemy. People who are very, very good people and people who are very, very bad people. Some viewpoint characters never hear him say a true sentence and some get him saying things he wish he hadn't said. You never get the same read. It's similar to Ben - Obi-Wan's profound in people's nostalgic memories, but Ben himself is a pretty opaque and rarely seen guy. You end up with a lot of contradictions. A lot of different ways to understand the same guy. The story itself is constantly circling the drain of trying to understand Cody, and implied in that whole thing is the idea that Cody is...worth trying to understand.

As I writer I do believe in not spilling ink over trash, abusive men. In Padme's corner of the stories, I never talk about Anakin because he's not important - Padme's story is her own now, and she has to write it, and I won't give room to Anakin (The story of understanding Anakin is, maybe, Luke and Leia's story). But I am giving a lot of room to Cody. The act of spending so much time trying to understand this one character is a part of the story I'm telling, if that makes sense.

I think...the Bens in the world spend a lot of their adult lives trying to understand the Codys. So much shit happened from somebody who loved them and only tried to do their best for them and they just don't understand why. And it's this great unravelling, I think, of trying to understand how you became yourself...and it requires an understanding not just of the people involved, but of the global/national politics, the cultures, and the prejudices therein. It's an understanding that the Bens have to dig deep and uncover and untangle. This fic series, in a large way, that untangling. It's difficult and messy and heartbreaking. But the as the Bens of this world become adults, they feel an incredible compulsion to do it - not just in hopes of closure from that pain, but just in a search of desperately trying to figure out how not to become the Cody to their own kids. And you're standing there struggling to parcel out blame and anger and forgiveness, and maybe you should just go to iHOP instead?

I write about the subject of general trauma and cycles of abuse pretty frequently, but I think it's clearest here. Of course if you're getting other metaphors/allegories from it too then of course they are also here!! Damn this story in y'alls brains is really good!!!

I just binged all of your No Chip AU fics and I wanted to let you know I am so obsessed. I really loved the role swap au too but everything about the no chips au hit so hard. Cody having a choice, the gaslighting, everything with the good intentions, Cody the supervillain dad. Obi Wan willingly handing over all his weapons and trusting Cody was somehow so much more devastating than Cody trying to kill him. Also Fox and Rex and everyone else. Thank you for posting it, I love it so much.

THANKS I have no idea how that AU spiraled out of control but I couldn't stop thinking of ideas for it. I still have plenty of ideas that were never written - Fox & Sabi post-canon adventures, Cody's eventual redemption feat. Boba Fett, anything from Rebels. I would also rewrite the first story and More Than Zero, big time.

No Chip Cody's definitely one of the characters I've developed the most, and one of my favorites. In the end there ended up being something kind of tragic about that Cody. He was the best parent he knew how to be, the best man he knew how to be, and that person was the most evil person in the entire cast. For one reason or another, evil just always seemed like the best thing to do for his family. Over the course of the series you really do see him fall deeply in love with Obi-Wan, and you see him lose him because he couldn't admit when he was wrong. At the very end of it he's alone, the last remnant of a dying Empire, and he's hated by the many people who once loved him. He never felt like a bad person to me - just somebody who was always trying to pick the lesser of two evils, and who never knew good was an option.

It takes a while, and probably requires Cody's Great Redemption Story Feat. Boba Fett, but I think Ben forgives Cody one day. Ben's childhood had to have tremendously fucked him up in ways I think I understated, but I think Ben never wanted to hate Cody.

I also loved writing Rex BUGFUCK evil and Fox as the unproblematic fave. And Bly as both, somehow, simultaneously. Thanks for reading!!

[misterradio]

okay here are some tron 2.0 thoughts TEE HEE....... you have been Spoiler Warned for REAL!

tron fans talk abt this game with me okay 🥺

THIS GAME IS BEAUTIFUL .... MWWWWWAH!!!!!! i just love all the different environment designs, the color coding that went into the different computer systems was really cool too. my main takeaway is that the visuals Rule.

the npc designs were cool too but i kind of wish there was More variety (visually as well as voice acting)... but i really enjoy the design direction here ::-) why so many bald antagonist though? lol (AND WHY SO MANY MEN?)

In regards to gameplay i felt like it was pretty standard? i ended up using the basic disc weapon for most of the game because switching weapons takes Way too long if youre actively fighting, which is kind of a shame cuz there are so many weapon options... i did really enjoy the energy claw though 👍also the light cycle racing SUCKED and there was a graphical glitch that made it so that a bunch of visuals to my cycle were missing so i couldnt even enjoy the new design that was hyped up lol. as complicated as gameplay felt up front it definitely felt much better as it went on so it was pretty good.

game progression was very straightforward which i didnt expect..? go do this and then do that, etc. i thought it would be more open. this isnt rlly a complaint bc at least i wasnt lost or anything.

finding all the build notes was thankfully not hard but i enjoy poking around as much as i can in games already... and i liked the mechanics of searching archive boxes and being able to read emails between people ::-) YAY NOSINESS !!! despite finding all the build notes i still didnt end with the highest version i couldve...🤔 no idea how that works then...

moving on 2 story...

all the characters felt a bit flat so that was unfortunate... i wouldve liked to see some more emotions from everyone, bit more personality, etc...

i dont rlly know where jet's attachment to mercury came from, is he in love with this girl, if so why?? im thinking that since she was the first program to really reach out and help jet, that he latched on to her. but as the player i was kind of neutral on her SORRY although her design is cool

i was in disbelief that lora died and i was thinking she would just have been digitized and b in the computer somewhere? and there are allusions to her at least being superficially present in the program ma3a/ma2a etc (they have the same actress ^^__^^) but neither jet nor alan mention this which really shocks me??!!!??? thats your deceased mom or wife can u show a bit of tenderness or something..... maybe this can be cooked up more in an AU or something . idk i was really hoping she (and yori) would be around. i held on to hope for so long ✊️

OBVIOUSLY WISHING TRON WAS THERE... but omg alan being in the digital world shocked me so much i really liked that HEHE. him wearing tron's outfit was fun. i saw someone else in the tag say this, but if tron is "retired" then where is he?? INQUIRING MINDS WANNA KNOW !! he and jet werent very fazed by being digitized which surprised me buuut they also have to adapt fast given the urgency of their situation..

i felt rlly bad that thorne died SNIFFLE SNIFFLE jet and alan just watched a real guy die in front of them thats MESSED UP!! he was really cool too i enjoyed the corruption concept ::-) i was really worried the three fcon employees were gonna die too but im glad they implied that they could be repaired and manifested again.. (what is the word for un-digitized..?)

evil ma3a was really cool 👍 tbh all the antagonists are cool except im neutral on the kernel. i was confused that he was red i thought he was evil like in the original movie with the MCP's soldiers.. but i think hes just a guy who happens to be red. and also trying to kill u but just bc you (jet) are a freak of computer nature and should not be there. thats fair. i enjoyed his boss fight too.

THE FCON MONSTER WAS RLLY COOL HOW AM I NOT SEEING ANY FANART OF THEM.... ::-( i have to fix this... ALSO I WISH they had dialogue. like are they even aware of their situation. missed opportunity !!

okay thats all i can think of now.

WAIT UM I READ THE COMIC CONTINUATION(?) the ghost in the machine AS WELL and i dont have many thoughts on it bc it was really confusing BUT i did enjoy the layers of horror and unreality which i really did not expect. was also expecting the titular ghost to have more to do with lora (SIGH I REALLY WANNA SEE HER AGAIN) but it didnt but thats okay. i really liked the art of the first book specificaly.....

do any tron fans also like soma (2015) haha just wondering [TWIRLS MY HAIR

[curious-menace]

Im not familiar enough with the fandom to know ships but pick a riddler u wanna ramble about the most and give me that sweet ship content (platonic or romantic)

I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL SO IM GUNNA DO 2: SCRIDDLER AND CURIOUS MEDIC

CuriousMedic in green

Scriddler in orange

-who cries when someone dies in a movie

Shepherd. She cries at everything. All the time. Even at not sad movies. Riddler def cried during Wall-e though.

No one usually. Neither will admit to being genuinely upset and disturbed by sad horror movies like Lake mungo but its safe to say they didnt really sleep that night.

-who wears the ugly holiday garb

Neither, no one likes christmas that much and both are usually stylishly dressed.

Jonathan. He likes to wear ugly sweaters year round. He has a load of them for all different holidays but obviously the halloween ones are his favorite. He has definitely made edward wear them too.

-who pays for the meals

Both. Edward does more dates and fancy restaurants, shep does more coffee, treats and takeaway.

Usually riddler. Jon “forgets” his wallet a lot. When its his turn to pay there is a lot of dining and dashing. Which would be fine but riddler hates running. He usually just pays after jon leaves.

-who slams the oven door and who plays the trombone

Shep slams the door, riddler plays the trombone.

Jonathan does both to annoy edward.

-who brings home stray animals

Both are equally bad for this. Shep brings home weird animals that make you think she’s stolen them from the zoo, edward brings home a lot of stray cats although they usually wind up with selina.

Its actually jon but only because he needs test subjects. If he cant find any he might use riddler. Edward will usually rescue the animals and send them back outside. Not out of some great morality, he just hates the sound of barking and meowing.

-who leaves the bathroom door open

Theyre both VERY particular about privacy so neither. Unless theyre both in there at the same time ;)

Jonathan leaves every door in the house open. It really annoys edward, since he’s always cold. Not only does he have to watch the straw man piss every time he goes past but now he’s bleeding heating money too.

-who tells the ‘dad jokes’

Do dad riddles count? Its fine, shep usually joins in when ed starts.

JONATHAN WILL NOT STOP WILL THE DAD JOKES. No man no god can make him give over when he’s on a roll.

-who wants kids more

NEITHER THEY BOTH HATE KIDS. although they are both great around other peoples kids. Defacto rogues babysitters.

Again, neither. They have a small soft spot for kids, will usually avoid endangering them with their schemes and usually humor them if a kid was to come up to them, curious, while they were in full riddler or scarecrow garb

-who travels more

Hmm. Riddler travels more often, for pleasure but shep travels the furthest usually for business.

Hmm. well riddler goes farther afield but jon is up and down to georgia fairly often. He preferes to drive too which riddler absolutely hates.

-who spends more cash

Shep spends most on other people, riddler spends the most oh himself.

Edward. Jonathan is a bit of a skinflint. Not like he HAS much money in the first place, no wonder hes reluctant to spend it.

-who buys the things in infomercials

Riddler has no impulse control at 2am.

Again, riddler. But scarecrow actually likes watching dumb infomercials when he cant sleep. Its like popcorn fodder for the insomnia brain.

-who draws in the dust on their cars

Riddler likes to write riddles in the dust.

Both. sometimes they like to leave little messages for one another on the back of jons truck. Riddlers car is far too clean for writing in the dirt.maybe writing WITH dirt.

-who starts the snowball fights

Shep, every time. Riddler is terrible at it but he’s good to have on team fights, he’s an excellent snow fort builder.

Is it still a snowball fight if all scarecrow does is get a bucket of snow and dump it on riddlers head while he’s sleeping?

-who throws away the directions to things

Riddler. He thinks he knows better and he’s USUALLY right. Shep is usually the one to go dig them out of the trash again.

I dont think Jon has ever thrown away anything in his life. Hes still got the instructions for a vhs recorder from 1993.

-who puts up holiday decor

Shep. she likes to put up halloween decorations on the first day of october.

I would say jonathan but he doesnt enjoy it persay. He does it because it needs doing for him to feel at home. Halloween is the exception, he loves doing the decor for halloween. It gets more and more outlandish every year.

-who is more likely to forget to bathe

Riddler. Shep likes to shower every morning. Sometimes she makes him come in there with her. Sometimes.

When theyre in a manic planning phase, theyre both equally bad at things like bathing and eating. Jon has definitely gone longer without both than riddler.

-who gets more obsessed about things

Edward wouldnt be Edward if he wasnt an obsessive nerd. Shep can hyperfocus on things for a while but its never so all consuming as edwards obsessions.

Im going to say riddler BUT scarecrow isnt far behind. Jons obsessions tend to be a little...healthier? Less detrimental to ones health? He obsesses over halloween and certain literature, which i think youll agree, is much less likely to get him punched in the face by a bat themed superhero.

-who sings in the shower more often

Shep sings louder and more often but if you press your ear to the door sometimes you can hear edward singing a little ditty.

Jon sings a lot and actually quite well, but usually when he thinks people cant hear him, he’s too embarrassed to sing in front of people. Unfortunately for him, Riddler has excellent hearing.

[bucciaratizippers]

Genre: slight NSFW i guess

Pairing: Pannacotta Fugo x reader

Summary: Reader comes home to see Fugo alseep in bed and moaning her name, having a very good dream.

Word count: 1409

A/N: so hello there my ppl so this is my first Smut so i hope its not cringey i just u all end up loving it so ye if ur a softie and cant stand lemons then skip to the next chapter.

⚠️About Request⚠️

Also i do take requests so if u wanna send me a repuest u must do these following things

The name of character

What genre

And what scenario

Thats all love u all.

AutherChan6

(*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡

You were on your way home as you walked past a nice takeaway restaurant. It was so bright thata you had to squint you eyes to see the name of the take away restaurant.

And to be honest you were feeling kinda hungry so it wouldnt hurt if you got some fod for you and your boyfriend.

Yes thats right you have a boyfriend. His name was Pannacotta Fugo. You two basically just moved un together and have been dating for 2 years now.

As you wantes to step into the restaurant your phone started ringing.

You let out a sight and run your hand through your hair as you picked up your phone.

"Hello"

"Hey sweetie how are you doing" your boyfriend answers from the other side of rhe phone.

"Nothing much, just tought i would buy some some Chinese takeaway for us ....that is if you wa-"

"OFCOURSE I WOULD LOVE CHINESE TAKEAWAY, I HAVENT HAVE THAT IN LIKE YEARS" he yells in excitement.

"Just needed to check on you feeling really tired right now, so please hurry so i wouldnt have to be worried that your still out here alone."

"Okay, okay im on my way i will see you soon"

And like that you hung up.

You entered the store, bought some food for you and your boyfriend, paid then left the store happly.

-

You open the front door to the hause you and Fugo shared but to your surprise it was very quiet.

Fugo didnt show himself nor appeared infront of the door to greet you and give you huggs like he would normally do.

You found this strange but then later considered that he was asleep.

You walked all the way trough the hallway into the kitchen.

You droped the food you bought on the counter as you went upstairs to wake up Fugo.

"Fugo!!"

No sound so you yelld again.

"Fugo!!"

Again not a single noise.

Later you gave up and headed your way up the stairs .

As you got closer and closer to the room door you heard some voices. Something close to whimpering maybe?

"Fugo? Is that you?"

You called as you tip toed closer to the room door. Slowly you open the door to find a already asleep Fugo in his bed.

You sigh in relief know there wasnt a stranger in your house. It was just your boyfriend sleeping.

But then you were 100% sure you heard something that soiunded like whimpering.

In that moment you heard him.

"[Y/N]~ hmmm"

You open your mouth in shock. Aas your boyfriend dreaming about you?

Right here? Right now?

"Ahh mh..mm [Y/N]~ your to good....for m.e.ee"

There again. He was moaning.

You tip toed closer to him and he was asleep ofcourse but to your surprise you see that there was a tent built around his groin area.

You look in shook. Between your thighs beginning to heat up just by the sight of your boyfriend's erection.

You let out a snall moan as you touch your self. Trying to create friction between your legs.

"Wait i wanted to wake Fugo up right? So why not wake him up in a very special way huh?"

You tought to your self.

You slowly make your way onto yhe bed trying not to wake him up immediately in the process.

You lean closer to his face and place some small tender kisses on his cheek. From his cheek you make your way to his jawline and place also small tender kisses there too.

You continue to loave a trail of hickeys on his neck while your other hand glides down his chest.

It goes down futher south untill it reached its destination. You palmed his erection through his sweat pants as Fugo lets out a queit groan.

It was musuic to your ears.

Slowly you began to trace the outline on his erection until you felt him twitch under your touch. You let out a small moan as you couldnt hold it in anymore.

You sat down in the position where your legs were on each side of Fugo's hips, hands on his chest.

You grinded onto his groin and let out another moan. Enjoying the feeling you were having.

Just then Fugo wakes up suprised to see you gindjng unto him.

But hey he wasn't complaining about it.

Out of instinct he bucked his hip into your heated core, his erection craving to be touched.

"Mmhm Fugo mhhm~~"

You moaned loudly.

Fugo ler out a smirk as he stared at you.

He quickly turns the tables by turning around you now under beneath him.

Before you could say anything you were stoped by a heated and desperate kiss. He licked against your bottom lip asking for entrance.

You want to taese him so you dont five him the permission to enter.

Fugo then grabs one of your breasts, you being startled by this lets out a little squeak ofcourse letting your guard down. He takes the advantage to slip his toung into your mouth.

The kiss becomes needy and more needy as the both of you are having a heated makeout session.

He breaks the kiss for some air and theen goes for your neck leaving small hickeys here and there.

You moan and whimper under his touch. Your hands snake around Fugo's neck.

Fugo quickly pulls of the t-shirts your wearing along with your pants. Now left with only a panties and a bra.

Onthe other hand you only manage to pull of his top he was wearing gliding your hands along his well toned abs.

Fugo unbuckles yiur bra, taking one breast in one hand teasing it and taking the other breast jnto his mouth.

His tounge swirls around your nipple arousing you.

"Mmhh ahh Fugo i need you right now mhhmm~~"

He stops to look at you. He looks at you deep in the eyes before replying.

"What is it you want darling?"

He says with a smirk.

"I need uhhhgg..... i need you~~"

"You've got to be more specific darling"

You gathered the strength you needed and then told him..

"Ahhh i need your thick cock to strech my tight wet little pussy ahh mmmm~~

Please daddy fill me up with your delicious cum mhhmm~~"

Fugo wasted no time pulling of ypur panties and flinging it to a random corner in the room along with pulling his sweat pants and boxer briefs.

As his dick sprung out you became more impatient and became a moaning mess aunder him.

Begging himm to slide his thick shaft into your tight walls.

He gives himself some strokes then aligns himself infront of your entrance.

Slowly he enters into you bit by bit. Once he is fully in he lets you adjust to his size before slowly pounding into you.

You moan like crazy, unable to control yourself at the moment.

He pickes up his pace as he pounds into you mercilessly and leans down to whisper sweet nothings into your ear.

Saying how good you make him feel, How he feels like putty right now, how tight your walls are squeezing him to how beautiful you look under him.

As Fugo hits your G Spot you immediately moan out his name.

"FUGO!"

"Fuck [Y/N]"

You both cursed as you both chased your orgasm yor nails digged into Fugo's back as you felt your orgasm getting nearer and nearer.

Finally you came on Fugo's cock and Fugo coming immediately after.

He fell right beside you and instantly hugged you. Bringing you as close as possible.

You also being exhausted embrace him to you whosper to him...

"ti amo"

"ti amo anch'io"

The both of you drifted to sleep.

The Chinese takeaway totally forgotten

[applestorms]

Okay two things in response to this one:

Here's my evidence for thinking that Jake is more intentional in his manipulations than may initially be obvious. (Note "manipulation" might be a strong term, but I still think it's accurate here.)

Jake is clued in on Jane's crush on him fairly explicitly twice (2) by Roxy before he actually has the friendzone conversation, once way earlier & once immediately before. Here's the quotes:

TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much GT: It is? TG: which TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm GT: Talk about what? TG: nope GT: You mean how um... GT: Well a way in which i suppose... TG: no nope GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection? TG: nope nope nope nope nope nope TG: hey look who didnt say nothin about that why it is this silly fuckin drunk girl over here GT: Its a tricky issue. And you know i adore jane and please dont think i havent given some thought to... GT: Well that angle on our relationship i guess. TG: ooof jake jake no please TG: this is a conversation that cant happen cause i started it and i blew it by saying stuff so u have to foroget it TG: * 4get it GT: Oh. Yeah i can see the dilemma this causes for your friendship with her. GT: Ill drop it. TG: whew

(A6A1:4226)

GT: Should i expect a serious exchange about feelings and whatnot? TG: depenbs on the present magnitude of her tightassery TG: someone needs 2 move you fuckers along an get some stuff out in the popen already GT: Wait would this be about certain unrequited pinings you may have alluded to earlier? TG: i didint say nothin and aint sayin anything to that effeft GT: Indubitably. Miss zipper lips was it? Humorously misspelled of course. TG: mmmmm! TG: *zuip* GT: I guess i cant help but wonder if that truly is the way she sees me or if it is just some wild ego stroking delusion on my part.

(A6A2:4586)

There are a few takeaways from these conversations: 1. Jake totally does that thing where he seems to share his own observation but only after someone else mentions something that could support it (straight up saying Jane likes him when Roxy accidentally alludes to it), 2. Jake is not only intimately aware of the fact that Jane likes him as told to him by Roxy, he is socially aware enough to pick up on the fact that Roxy wasn't supposed to tell him and drop it (the "Miss zipper lips" a reference to "MISS ZUIPPERPIPS" from the first conversation), 3. "unrequited pinings".

What's really interesting to me though is the line he has immediately after the quote I posted above, in the second conversation:

GT: I always get this sense that people sorta fancy me but who knows i could be just miles off the old rocker about that! GT: Youre right i think its high time we cleared the air on some things even if there is a chance it gets all awkward and prickly. GT: That is what being brave and adventurous is all about after all. It isnt just about summoning the courage to pilfer some priceless loot from trap laden catacomb. Or shooting at stuff with two guns at once.

I read this as Jake doing a bit of a 180 in order to set himself up for the next conversation. Jake is clearly aware of the fact that Jane likes him (& from the conversation w/ Jane, he's aware of Dirk too), and in fact he is the one to explicitly state it where Roxy just accidentally implies it. He's also very aware of the fact that Roxy wasn't supposed to say anything, presumably more evidence of that crush's strength since why else would Roxy be so awkward about the fact that she isn't supposed to talk about it? The fact that he's playing into the "brave and adventurous" jock figure that he loves so dearly (as a way of avoiding responsibility by faking more ignorance) as well really adds to this imo. I don't want to fully deny the fact that Jake might be insecure about thinking all his friends have crushes on him, but again this information is coming from/being supported by Roxy, so he has that much more reason to trust it.

What's really important to me, though, is that one fucking word: "unrequited". Jake is not only aware of the fact that Jane likes him, he has "given some thought to [it]," and come to the conclusion that it unfortunately just isn't mutual. But that's also an unacceptable conclusion to him, because it means that not only is he creating conflict by liking one friend and not another, he's hurting Jane, which is unacceptable both because it means that Jane is hurt and that he himself is the source of it. Jake is therefore put into a tough situation: if he wants to pursue Dirk, and again I think he really does, he's going to have to push past the awkwardness of Jane's "unrequited pinings" first, and it turns out the best way to get around that is to pretend the feelings don't exist in the first place. Jake takes his insecurities and the idea that all of his friends couldn't possibly have a crush on him at the same time and runs with it because the conclusion that only Dirk likes him and thus that he only has to deal with Dirk's romantic feelings benefits him the most. He can disregard Jane's feelings entirely because Jane already did it first by straight up saying "No!" when he explicitly asked her. And yeah, maybe he does genuinely believe it afterwards, and maybe it was born out of a natural skepticism, but Jake is still changing the narrative to one that better fits his goals, pressuring Jane until she says no and then holding to that conclusion so strongly she can't back out.

(Note: Another example of Jake fucking with someone in a conversation can be seen in (A6A5:5669) where he's talking to Caliborn. Just to reiterate that he knows how to fuck w/ people in conversation when he really wants to by playing up his own stupidity)

2. JANE. Oh Janey, maybe I should make this a fully separate post to go along with my John analysis... But to answer your question, I think there are a few things about Jane's upbringing that might've influenced her to be the way that she is.

The key difference between the childhood of John and Jane imo is the fact that while John had a (mostly) normal one by typical human (American?) standards, Jane had an actively privileged one, growing up as the heiress of a corporate empire and thus being actively told throughout her childhood that she is not only important in the way that any child should be to their parent, but Important as the future heir to the company. Even the "assassination attempts" kinda point toward this for her, equating her with a (to-be) president through the specific type of danger she is put under. If I may show my personal biases for a moment too, I think the fact that Jane is the heiress to a capitalist corporation also means that she is inclined towards conservative in a way that a lot of other Homestuck characters aren't, especially considering how the HIC is associated with fascism. (Whether or not that association is done well is an argument for another day, but I digress.) You can kinda see this with how Jane is homophobic to Dirk- while all of the alphas have their own brand of homophobia towards him, Roxy because of her own unrequited pinings and Jake because toxic masculinity in movies is a powerful force, Jane is straight up ignorant about the fact that he's even gay in the first place, needing Roxy to really jam it in there ("TG: JANE GET A CLUE (A6A2:4571)) to really get the full picture.

Talking about intelligence again, Jane is also separated from her friends specifically because of her inability to accept things that she sees as too far outside of reality. This means that she actually grows up distinctly isolated from everyone else in terms of knowledge, being the only one to not acknowledge the reality of Dirk and Roxy's lives in the future due to her own stubbornness. She's actually kind of like John in that way, except where John is passively unaware of the significance of the abuse his friends are facing from their guardian figures, Jane takes on the more active role many HS girls do and straight up refuses to face the truth. I think a part of that is just Jane's personality, but a part of it can be attributed to her childhood or even the subliminal messaging she is regularly subject to through all of her Crocker-related gadgetry. I'd also again like to point you back to my second reblog from this post where I talk about the structural ignorance of oppressive societies; in this story, regardless of whether or not it actually meaningfully benefits Jane in any meaningful way, she is put into the position of someone gaining from HIC's oppressive society so she may be inclined towards that same kind of ignorance.

Anyways, I need to get back to writing my actual full response now so. See ya lol

in writing my response to @tipsygnostalgy's most recent dirkjake essay post, i accidentally wrote my own mini-essay. here's a little sneak peak since i dunno if i'll be able to finish this one tonight:

I’ve been thinking a lot about what Dirk says to Jane during their conversation post-Tricksters (A6A5A1x2:5830):

TT: We were all designated for a session that was utterly inert. TT: A place where the mechanisms for success never even existed to begin with. TT: In such a place it makes sense that the formal leader would be neutralized, to made feel unempowered and static. TT: And it seems particularly fitting she would be the noble of life in a realm of the dead. TT: A realm that foretold of a life player who felt lifeless, a hope player who felt hopeless, and a heart player who was just a stone cold motherfucker.

I feel like this conversation gets misread a lot, particularly in that people will often ignore the fact that Dirk is clearly biased in terms of his praise/idolization of Roxy and disregard for/blatant hatred of himself. Because the thing is- Jake isn’t hopeless, if anything he’s fuckin overflowing with hope when it comes to believing in other people, it’s just that he completely lacks that same belief when it comes to himself. Act Omega really got that part right, imo, with the fact that Jake really does need the reassurance that other people (namely, Dirk) believe in him in order to be empowered to actually start being active. “Learned helplessness” is the idea that comes to mind for me, one of the key ways that Jake is put into the stereotypical “woman’s role” is in the fact that he feels like he can never be direct in getting what he wants. But actually, I think Jake is pretty active, he just does it in stupidly subtle ways so that he can avoid having to take responsibility for literally anything. That conversation with Jane, for example- he still manipulates Jane into friendzoning herself, therefore getting what he wants (Dirk), he just muddles the waters enough that he doesn’t have to take responsibility for hurting her by rejecting her.

I think Jane actually is thematically a good representative of the alphas, in the same way that John is for the betas (and really all kids, but Johnny is special cause he was #1), it’s just that you have to look at her class, not her aspect. Maids are typically understood as overflowing with their aspect, literally made of it, causing them to have a very close, personal relationship with it but also putting a strain on their relationship with others because of it. The word “maid” also brings to mind servitude to others, which is big for the Megidos & their history w/ Doc Scratch.

While Jane struggles a lot with giving (life) to others, I still think the Maid class really is relevant to all of the alphas, especially Dirk and Jake but also kinda Roxy. This is where I think Dirk is ever so slightly off in his interpretation of their session- it’s not that they’re lacking their aspect, they can’t stop giving it away in service of each other honestly, it’s that they can’t give the same help to themselves.

Jake fervently believes in his friends, he has to if he wants them to be real as you said above, and it’s ultimately all very selfish, but he cannot believe in himself to the point where he needs to create a fucking intricately detailed copy of his boyfriend to tell all of his thoughts to him before he can believe they’re true. Dirk is fucking overflowing with love for his friends, his introduction to the comic is making sure Jane is alright, he holds onto Roxy and seems to be almost as devastated as she is that he can’t love her the way that she wants him to, Jake, but he absolutely cannot give that same affection and sympathy to himself. Roxy holds the group together, yes, but I think it’s in a very different way than Karkat and his blood aspect- she is the confidant that everyone talks to and everyone can confide their secrets in (regardless of how well she keeps them- sorry Jane, lol), she is void in that she is the keeper of secrets but also in that, by getting people to communicate and giving them advice, she takes away the void/confusion and helps them see a better path. However she cannot hold her own secrets, doesn’t have anyone else to confide in in the way that she wants to (Dirk gets it but doesn’t love her that way, Jane doesn’t believe her, Jake) and passively aggressively lashes out because of it.

It’s their fundamental flaw and the motivation behind the lies in their introductions and their problems with miscommunication. They love each other so fucking dearly, care so agonizingly much about one another, but can’t deal with themselves, can barely even face a mirror. It's the void session: heart is locked off, hope is twisted into something strange, and life has already long-since ended. The reason why Roxy is able to rise above all that shit is because she chooses to engage with her own issues, to face her alcoholism and shitty behavior head on and Deal With It, in a way that the others simply aren’t.

[internetkatze]

Tagged by @obstinaterixatrix !!

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!  

---

I have fewer that 20 published, But I guess I can list some of the unpublished ones too ;) 

1. Untitled WIP (Wandersong, unpublished 2021) The flight home was long enough that, despite Miriam's unease, by the time they had made it to her house, the worst of her anxiety had been replaced by a heavy blanket of exhausted resignation.

2.  Echoing Notes (Wandersong 2020) The world was ending, until it wasn’t. The sun rose again, against all odds, casting its beams of light across an improbable planet, bathing its inhabitants in the most welcome daybreak.

3. Still The World Keeps Turning (Doctor Who, 2020)  She sees the world afire, again.

4. OSTINATI (Wandersong, unpublished 2020)  An unfamiliar face greeted the Bard as they made their way up the hill towards Langtree Village.

5. Split Complementaries, And Other Approaches to Musical Composition (Wandersong, unpublished 2020)  Kiwi rose with the sun, impossible though it was to see through the Chismest haze; the date on the calendar hesitantly suggested it might have been early summer, although the weather all but shouted otherwise.

6. What Do You Want To Hear? (Doctor Who, 2020) "So, Doc, any thoughts yet?"

7. Untitled WIP (Doctor Who, 2020)  The wonderful thing about time is that it never stops, so if you happen to find yourself in a bad situation, eventually you will be carried away from it into hopefully a better situation.

8. An Urgent Request (Good Omens, 2020)  The door crashed open, jangling the entrance bell with all the alarm of an air raid siren.

9. Fracture (Doctor Who, 2020)  He scans the horizon, under the Australian sun, brimming with anticipation.

10. New Year’s Fic (Good Omens, unpublished 2019)  And now it was 2009.

11. As a River Flows on a Pathway to the Sea (Good Omens, unpublished 2019)  Geological timescales are a funny thing, to angels.

12. Black Magic on Mulholland Drive (Lucifer/Good Omens crossover, unpublished 2019) A sunny morning in LA is par for the course. A rainy morning in LA, while uncommon, isn't entirely outside of the realm of possibility*. A foggy morning in LA, however, suggests something surreal is afoot.

13. Heaven’s Over Us (Good Omens, 2019)  Aziraphale stood at the edge of a precipice.

14. Aziraphale Gets A Smartphone (Good Omens, 2019)  If one were to believe that the universe isn't just one single instance of existence created by God according to the ineffable plan, but rather a collection of several universes—a multiverse, if you will—one might believe that each of the other universes contains something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike any other.

15. About Face (Good Omens, 2019)  By the time they arrived at the front door of Crowley’s flat, it was the dead hour, too late to be night and too early to be dawn. 

16. Identity, Ineffability, and Other Things we Don’t Understand (Good Omens, 2019)  "Crowley."

17. V1 (Good Omens, unpublished 2019) The problem, Crowley had decided, was feelings.

18. Hard Landing (Good Omens, 2019)  The problem, Aziraphale had decided, was feelings.

19. Adventures in Attempting to Purchase a Book From that Weird Old Soho Bookshop, A.Z. Fell & Co. (Good Omens, 2019)  [New Topic] Does Anyone Have A Copy Of Clockwork House Vol. 6?

20. The Question of Who (Sherlock, 2012)  "I've told you before. You see, but you don't observe."

Also as a bonus have two original stories:

1. Untitled WIP (original, 2019) A star shot through the sky and landed right outside my window, at a horrible hour of the morning.

2. Untitled WIP (original, 2019)  There was a witch at the top of the mountain, or so I had been told; I had never been there—I had neither the means nor inclination.  

---

Patterns, hm... Well, I certainly like to go for either a highly descriptive line that establishes the scenario right away, or a short and catchy line that’s intriguing enough to make you want to read the next line, which is then usually the highly descriptive line. Generally speaking I do favour a compact writing style that fits as much information as possible into as few words as possible in each sentence, so it’s not surprising my opening lines are like that too.

I’m often tempted to open with a line of dialogue, but I’ve heard that’s offputting, so I try to avoid it. Still, there are some cases when that works best, usually when the dialogue itself establishes some important information right away. (In the case of #16, that’s an entirely dialogue-only piece, so the first line establishes it’s Aziraphale who speaks first.)

It’s kind of hard to pick a favourite because I’m very fond of all of these for different reasons. For example, 4 looks very plain, but leads into scenario where the “unfamiliar face” is quickly established to be someone the Bard should know, but doesn’t. And then later the same line gets repeated again in different contexts, developing the theme further. I love 9 because not only does it quickly locate where in the timeline this canon divergence begins, it also establishes a metaphor that, when combined with the next two lines, becomes relevant to the entire fic. 12 and 14 were both jokes I wrote to myself to make myself laugh and fell in love with especially as I developed the jokes further. 17 and 18 make a pair.... except I never actually published 17 so the joke is lost too RIP

Honestly I think the main takeaway here is I should actually finish my WIPs sometime lmao

TAGGING: @wyvernquill @fremulon @gottagobuycheese @theoldaquarian @theplatinthehat @picnokinesis @maskedhero 

IDK HOW MANY MORE FRIENDS WRITE FIC TBH and i dont remember everyones usernames either if you’re reading this and u write stuff consider urself tagged

[iamleavingthisfandom]

karaoke bar - request

@glimmersinner​ said:

i have a reddie fic idea, dont know if youre taking requests, but im thinking of after the battle of it (eddie survives bc its canon) they go out for kareoke and stan can live or die its up 2 u :) but they do kareoke at this bar and like richie sings “eddie,baby” to come out w his feelings and i need that in my life thank u

I am, indeed, taking requests! And this is such a lovely one, thank you for sending it to me. Hope you like what I’ve cooked up for you!  read here on ao3

Raucous laughter rolled over the table full of drinks and snacks that the Losers occupied. After all the “you’re a fucking clown” were said and all the sinister interdimensional entities were done with, everyone went to settle their own affairs, but agreed to reconvene in New York. Which was currently taking the form of getting together in a karaoke bar, an occasion full of drinking and revelry, finally not bearing the shadow of responsibility for defeating an ancient evil. The laughter erupted after Richie’s quip about Ben and Beverly’s over-the-top cheesy rendition of (I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life, all in good fun, of course. A “happy for you, but keep all the straight details to yourself” was a drunken comment of him trying to read the room, with no malice behind it. He had come out via his twitter earlier in the week, with all the Losers sending him messages of love and support afterwards, and it took no time at all for jokes about being gay to become his go-to response to many things, despite the lingering internal problems. Humor was always his coping mechanism, after all, and it helped that he was surrounded by supportive friends. The main problem he was actually struggling with was his less-than-friendly feelings for none other than Eddie Kaspbrak, currently sitting across from him and sipping a Strawberry Daiquiri through a bright green straw. His jokes were decidedly not helping with that, especially not when Eddie let go of the straw to laugh so hard Richie could hear his snorts above the general rowdiness of the bar, but that was not going to stop him from making everyone laugh.

Just as Richie looked away from Eddie, desperately willing himself not to blush (he was almost forty years old, for fuck’s sakes, he did not blush), Bill called out in a challenging tone: “Beep-beep, trashmouth, either step up and sing something or stop making fun!” Richie put his hand to his chest, as if deeply wounded. “Billiam, making fun of you all is my sacred duty.” “Sing something, Richie,” Beverly joined in. Soon, Bill and Beverly were both chanting “sing,” while Stan sat between them, looking entirely unimpressed if not for a tiny hint of a smile. Ben was mostly interested in looking at Beverly enthusiastically chanting, Mike was grinning a bit, but waited to see the situation develop, and Eddie… Well, Eddie was looking at Richie with an impish expression that the latter was having trouble reading. Finally, after a few seconds of this, he raised his hands in surrender. “Fine, fine, you vultures. Let me show you how it’s done,” he grinned as Bill and Beverly cheered, and stood up to go to the karaoke machine. He scrolled through the list of songs when one caught his attention. His jokes weren’t helping, but maybe… He didn’t let himself finish the thought before he pressed “play” and the first soft chords poured from the speakers. He lifted the mic just in time for the lyrics to start. The cameras captured all of the glances And all of the chances we’ve missed Everyone at the table cheered supportively, except Eddie, who looked like he recognised the song all too well and was slowly starting to show a very fetching blush. Though there was a small, hopeful smile— except was there? Richie didn’t want to give himself vain hope, and instead sang further, only gaining confidence and enthusiasm with every line. As always, it took little time for his flair for showmanship to show itself, and by the time the first chorus came, he had started moving his hips and his free arm, in a more dramatic than choreographic fashion, but expressive nonetheless. Oh Eddie, baby, won’t you come to my arms tonight? I beg and plead you, please succumb to my charms tonight. He spared a wink at Eddie, who looked progressively more scarlet, before grinning and making a show of holding his palm to his heart. I give my heart But you take it and you break it and you tear it apart Oh Eddie, baby, won’t you come to my arms. Not that he hadn’t heard the song before, but somehow actually singing it out loud was different than listening to the lyrics: they resonated deeper now. He didn’t let himself show that, though. A smirk here and a rakish grin there did the trick, and apart from Stan’s raised eyebrow and knowing smile it seemed like no one had thought too much of it. And I hope one day, dear friend, you will come around. The second Richie thought that maybe choosing a song that showcased his hidden feelings was, in fact, not the best idea he’d ever had, he caught the sight of Eddie biting his lip in a small smile. He reminded himself that Eddie was just embarrassed at being the center of attention (wouldn’t be the first time for that) but in on the joke, yet no matter how he framed it to himself, that little smile was all that it took for his breath to catch. The rest of the performance was likely not his best form, but it mattered little, and when he finished the last line, the Losers’ table erupted in cheers and applause. Even Stan clapped, unable to hold back his smile. Richie made an exaggerated bow and got back to his seat. “Alright,” Bill clapped his hands once more and got up, “I’ll go see if they have Tubthumping,” and with that, everything seemingly got back to normal. Well, everything except the weird, almost-calculating look Eddie was giving Richie that stopped him from joking about how cheesy Bill’s song choice was. The rest of the night was uneventful and full of that special drunken merriment that can only be found in good company. If anyone noticed the looks Richie kept throwing Eddie, no one mentioned anything, and if Eddie had anything to say about Richie’s initial choice of song, he kept it to himself. Eventually, as everything in life, the night had to end, and the Losers started parting ways until the only people left outside the bar were Richie, smoking a cigarette, and Eddie, shuffling his foot on the asphalt and looking anywhere but at his friend. “Fun night, huh?” Eddie wondered, seemingly at no one in particular. “Yeah, but my head’s going to be killing tomorrow,” Richie joked with a puff of smoke. Eddie lifted his head, biting his lip and meeting his eyes for the first time since they said their goodbyes to the rest of the group. It took a lot of Richie not to let that stop his inhale of smoke, but he kept his breathing steady. “Rich,” Eddie started and paused again, unsure. “Yeah, Spaghetti?” Richie was determined to keep it light. “I wish you’d stopped doing things like— like the song,” Eddie rushed out on a single breath, like he was running on a sudden drunken influx of bravery. “If you don’t mean anything by that, it’s just cruel,” he added, quieter and hiding his gaze again. Wait— cruel? If he didn’t mean anything? Within seconds, hope grew in Richie’s chest, one that he’d systematically squashed down, and too soon it became too big to contain. After a short awkward pause, it pushed the words out of him. “I meant it.” Eddie’s eyes shot up as he looked questioningly at Richie. “Whatever you’re thinking of now, I meant it.” “Can you say it? What you meant?” The look in Eddie’s eyes, cautious but on the verge of happy, and the tentative step he took towards Richie, gave him the strength to throw the cigarette on the ground and step on it without taking his eyes off of Eddie. “I’ve been in love with you since I knew what love was,” he knew it was always a risk to be so open with his heart, but the giggle Eddie let out and a smile that lit up his face were the best payoff Richie could ever want. “You’re so cheesy, Tozier. You’re lucky I’m in love with you, too,” Richie barely had the time to make a sound before Eddie moved in and tugged him down into a kiss with a hand in his hair. The kiss was short-lived, though, and soon Eddie was pulling away with a frown, quickly replaced with a laugh. “You reek of smoke, that’s gross.” “I’ll give up smoking for you,” Richie promised dramatically, his ability for coherent thought almost gone with the giddy high of their long-anticipated finally. Eddie chuckled and stood on the balls of his feet as Richie wound his arms around him. “I can get used to it,” he kissed Richie again. The rest of the world melted away when their lips moved against each other, and as he tasted the sugary residue of strawberry concoctions on Eddie’s lips, Richie knew he’d never felt quite as elated before in his life. No, not even when his agent booked his first large venue for his show. When they pulled apart, Eddie looked at him from under his eyelashes. “Want to come over to my place?” “Ouch, Eds, not even gonna buy me dinner first?” Eddie let out a small laugh, but he looked determined, and maybe, just maybe, Richie felt like he would do absolutely anything for him at that moment. “Well?” “I’d love to,” Richie smiled in response. Eddie stepped back to hail a cab, and suddenly there was a slight twinge of doubt in Richie’s gut. “And we don’t have to— do anything you don’t want to do, of course.” The look Eddie gave him in response was best described as amused. “Oh, we don’t have to, but I definitely want to. That is, if you…” he didn’t finish the thought, because Richie interrupted him. “You have no idea how much I want to.” With a grin, Eddie took his hand and waited for a cab to pull up, which it did in just a few seconds. Richie followed him into the car with a blinding grin and put his hand on Eddie’s thigh as he listened to him tell the driver the address. His main takeaway from the whole thing was that sometimes joking about his true feelings paid off big time. Anything else was overshadowed by Eddie’s hand sliding smoothly into his once more and his large eyes staring gently into Richie’s own, but maybe that was just as well.

[gods-at-gunpoint]

howdy everyone! first monthly update for drgag, but first, thank you all so much for the support thusfar! im crying guys

lets get into it ! 

november’s been a bit of a hectic month due to the end of my schools semester rounding the corner along with the general chaotic energy of this time of the year, but without further ado!

main takeaways from this month of work has been

-loads of sprites! except. i realized pretty late in the process that i was making them in a very inefficient way and taking like. way longer on each one than i needed to because of this . like 

for anyone making fangans as well its really a learning process and mass producing sprites and shit is a PROCESS. but i feel like the easiest way ive found to make different poses nd shit quicker is to like. LABEL my folders . when i make eyes that i know are gonna change i go in and make a folder where ill put all that. and then when it comes to bodies which i didnt think too hard about at first, especially when it comes to arms... like the best thing i think thats streamlined has been to just draw the whole ass torso and render it and THEN add arms to that, rather than drawing the arms and coloring the arms on the same damn layer as everything else... whereas you have to select the arms and then make a new layer and go BACK and recolor the torso bc u fucked up like... yeah.... 

ive mostly worked on kimiko and itsuki so far because i just love conveying their personalities a lot through their sprites, gonna post a few of my favs-

crackheads. i also made emi sprites but my clip studio file got corrupted? i have to fix that shit msldfkjdf add this to my to do list siri please smflksdf ...ok moving on

-splash art coming along slowly but steadily... will get there eventually its kinda just farther down on my list of priorities rn lol heres a kimiko wip tho

-writing!!! i revised . i HARDCORE revised how i decided to open the game like. shit. fuck. i just had a thought while i was watching nichijou one day and shit i just. damn. i dont wanna say anything bc im like so fucking excited about it but basically it calls for about 30 more scene cgs that i had not prior planned so ive been. grinding so much to try and get those illustrated mkanhuyfysoif but yeah!! i rewrote the whole ass introduction to the prologue god bless . the prologues all done written now but ofc im probs gonna go over it like 60 more times lmao

in other parts of writing i finished about half of the first and third trials, and most of chapter 1′s writing overall... we rlly out here gettin that bread bruh

with writing i guess the biggest thing is like. i have a fuckton of gaps where i just need to put like. the In Between shit mlksdfjiusdf lmao but yeahg. we out here

-programming shit!!! god i . worked on implementing UI into unity and holy shit it was all on fire my pain is immeasurable im not a fucking compsci major fmlkjasuhf98asdofp my compsci major friend was looking over my shoulder the whole time and shaking his head njhysuadgf8sduoifjkdsf but like. basically i figured how to put some basic text box shit up in unity but ive mostly just been grinding away at practicing related C# shit in order to get my life together. also ive been throwing around a lot of UI ideas like 

i dont fucking know. i think im gonna have the whole student handbook on the side of it with shortcuts? at least the transcript, save, load, etc commands on the right side of it... also im thinking of making it much more minimalist than how the DR dialogue boxes are usually bc usually theyre like. largely flashy but yknow i . i dont know i just really like how minimalistic UI looks but i may or may not change my mind on this. god skdfjlsdkf

-here have whatever the fuck this is 

god okay this got lengthy real quick so imma scuttl away now until next time... thanks yall again for your support!!!! i have some breaks from school soon so hopefully i can like. get a lot more stuff done especially w my sprite epiphanies lmao mlsfkjsdf

goodnight!! 

-annie 

art up there without text:

d8 night )

[artificialqueens]

Not Nineteen Forever (3) (Branjie/Scyvie)- Ortega

a/n: (Snoop Dogg voice) greetings, loved ones. welcome to part 3 of the self-indulgent chaos that is N19F! thank you so much for the ridiculously undeserved love for this fic, it’s fast becoming one of my favourites i’ve ever written. in this chapter there’s a group chat revelation, a disturbance in the library, and bonding over a Strongbow. also pls note this chapter isn’t very Scyvie-heavy so if you’re more into that then u could skip this one? idk, as always i know how to sell my fics well xo hope u enjoy and lmk what u think on here or over at @artificialortega! much love xxxxx

p.s. Vanjie’s clapback to the posh girl in the lib is credited to @djoodimattel (Luci on AQ). this was literally what she said to some girl that was staring her down and she is my abso hero so thank u Luce

Summary: Brooke, Yvie and Nina are three flatmates who forged a friendship in their first year of university and picked up some other waifs and strays along the way. Now in their final year, there are feelings that need to be unravelled and confessions to be made whilst navigating drunk nights, hungover mornings, takeaways, group chats, library meetups, cafe gossiping, and the small matter of getting a degree.

***

“Are you still mad at me?”

Brooke rolled her eyes and stared at Yvie. “I will be if you keep trying to talk to me while I’m in the middle of this.”

Yvie looked at her expectantly. There was a pause. “So is that a yes, or���?”

“So is that an apology, or…?” Brooke raised an eyebrow, then immediately cringed as Yvie exhaled loudly, causing several heads to turn their way.

“Oh my God, Brooke, I said sorry like the moment it happened,” she hissed in exasperation.

“You fell out with me in the smoking area because you said, oh…wasn’t it something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry for trying to speed up your relationship with Vanjie, you ungrateful bitch’?”

“It was ungrateful cunt, actually,” Yvie tapped away at her laptop and Brooke rolled her eyes. Stifling a smile, Yvie looked at her friend and then reached across to take her hand. “No, listen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making that comment about you and Vanessa and I’m sorry for calling you an ungrateful cunt. They were both really out of line, uncool things to do. Can you please go back to normal with me before Nina goes into anaphylactic shock?”

Brooke laughed and squeezed Yvie’s hand. “Okay, fine. You’re forgiven. I’ll only bring it up like…seven more times to make you feel bad.”

Yvie chuckled. “Deal.”

Brooke turned back to her own laptop, her design in front of her but untouched for a solid forty minutes as her thoughts had swirled round her head. It was Monday, a new week, and the atmosphere in the flat had been tense over the weekend, as all three of the flatmates recovered from the aftermath of the scathing drunk row Brooke and Yvie had got into. Yvie hadn’t meant to make Brooke feel shit at pres on Friday, she was sure, but the comment still ran through her head and made her wince with cringe- unless your name’s Brooke or Vanessa. Okay, Yvie had almost definitely said it to take the heat off herself, but there had been absolutely no need. There was even less need to call Brooke a cunt, but Brooke knew Yvie had only done that because she felt bad and was covering up her own guilt with barbed attacks and a shit apology.  

She couldn’t stay mad at Yvie, and she couldn’t dwell too much on the comment, not least because Brooke’s head had been occupied by something else that had happened, another drunk revelation that had knocked her for six.

“Brooke Lynn. Duh.”

The most fuckable person in the room, Plastique had asked, and Vanjie hadn’t held back on the answer. Brooke had barely been able to stop thinking about that information since it had been revealed, and it was somehow made worse by Vanjie being completely normal with her for the whole night they’d been out. Okay, for Vanjie, normal still meant cheek kisses and dancing too close and enough compliments to sink a ship with, but part of Brooke wished she had had the confidence to ask her what she’d meant to achieve with her answer. Part of Brooke wished she’d had the confidence to say Vanjie’s name when she’d been asked who she’d most like to fuck in the room, but Nina was a safe answer that deflected the implication. Scarlet was right, it had been a shit one, but a shit answer in a stressful drinking game was far more bearable than dealing with the fallout of an honest one. Part of Brooke- actually, all of Brooke- wished she had more confidence, period.

A sigh from beside her tugged Brooke out of her own head. Yvie was looking at her laptop with incredulity, as if it had done something to offend her. Brooke stifled a laugh. The library really showed you every possible variant of raw human emotion, and if her eyes needed a break she liked to just scan the room and watch people’s faces. Across from her, a boy had his head in his hands and was exhaling deeply. Just deleted the paragraph he’d spent six hours writing. Diagonally opposite, a girl was biting her lip and frowning. Just received an email from her tutor that provided absolutely zero help. The boy beside Yvie swigged from his second energy drink of the day. Right on the tailend of a brutal all-nighter for an essay he has to hand in at midday. It was peak uni, and she loved it.

Giving herself a shake, she turned back to the laptop screen. She had to get this finished so she could get a prototype done by at least the end of the week, and that would be one less thing to do on her now-mountainous list of deadlines. The minutes ticked by and she began to make slow progress. The issue with Brooke studying Fashion and Design was that she was a complete perfectionist and an overthinker, which was both a blessing and a curse when it came to designing things. The essays she could do- they were just her opinions backed up with some articles, and she could fire them off easily enough. Designing was trickier, and that was a problem considering it was what Brooke wanted to do when she left uni.

She was distracted by a flailing beside her from Yvie and a completely speaking-volume pitched “Oh my God” which was deafening on the silent floor. Brooke cringed as the pair received another judgemental look and Yvie tapped her finger against Brooke’s phone rapidly.

“Check the chat. Now,” Yvie not-quite-whispered, Brooke immediately following her instruction. A sick feeling built in her stomach as she opened up her phone, not knowing what to expect or if it was good or bad. She needn’t have worried though, as she opened the chat and saw what was there.

Plastique Bague: so um

Plastique Bague: this happened

Brooke clamped a hand to her mouth as a selfie of Plastique and her flatmate Ariel, naked from at least the chest up with the duvet over their chests, filled the screen. Plastique was pulling a comical smile and throwing up the peace sign, and Ariel was doing the same, but mid-laugh. Brooke looked to Yvie, who burst out into a hushed laugh.

“Oh my God,” Brooke gasped. She was close with Plastique- they’d been on the same course since first year- but she’d had no idea that Plastique even liked girls, never mind having designs on the girl she lived with. Brooke expressed this to Yvie, who snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Bitch, really? I’m starting to think it’s a legal requirement of our friendship group to be at least 20% gay.”

Brooke thought about the most boy-crazy, thirsty bitch she knew. “Silky?”

“Oh come on, we all know Silky would go there with Akeria if she was drunk enough,” Yvie shook her head, Brooke rubbing her forehead and trying to stop the conversation going down a path she didn’t want it to take. She looked back at the chat. There had been fifty new messages in the space of about three minutes.

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: BITCH

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: WHAT

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: THE

used Tampon: Omg Plastique!!!!!!!

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: ABSOLUTE

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: ENORMOUS

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: oh my god Plastique

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: GIANT

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: ASDDFGHHLLIUEW919191SJSJAAQUWE7FICKC

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: FUCK

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: ???????????

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: AKXICOOEOEOWQI2B33 4BRR9SOSSKCNVV

Dave the Laugh: please explain

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: ADDFKGLVLCOSAIQJAN

Dave the Laugh: please, please explain

used Tampon: Silky is your phone broken? xo

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: Haaaahahahahaha Scarlet

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Plastique you can’t just drop this information on us and not elaborate

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: I’m sure that’s a human rights law

Plastique Bague: i’m waiting until everyone’s here

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: FUCK THAT I WANT DETAILS IMMEDIATELY

Dave the Laugh: Nina will be teaching

Dave the Laugh: she doesn’t finish til 3

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: Am I FUCK waiting til 3!!!!!!!!!!!

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Oh hell no

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: DONT MAKE ME FIND U

Plastique Bague: u won’t be able to find me

Plastique Bague: i’m under her duvet xo

Dave the Laugh: please don’t

Plastique Bague: about to start round five xo

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

used Tampon: Round five oh my GOD!!!!

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: F

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: FIVE!!!!1111111

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: I

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: V

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Round FIVE what the hell have you been up to???

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: E

Plastique Bague: well

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plastique Bague: came home from being out on Saturday morning

Dave the Laugh: oh shit here we go

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Strap in folks

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: Omg I’m so ready!!!!

Plastique Bague: and she’d been out as well so we were talking in her room

Plastique Bague: u know just flatmatey things

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: #justflatmateythings

Plastique Bague: i was telling her about the question game

Brooke joined in, completely amazed at the turn of events.

mose: This is all amazing Plastique I’m so proud

Plastique Bague: thank u mose

Plastique Bague: so i was telling her about that question u guys had asked about fantasising about a friend

Dave the Laugh: mose ahahaha

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: hey mose xoxoxoxo

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Why do i still find mose so funny

Plastique Bague: and i was like to her have u ever thought about a friend like that

Plastique Bague: and she’s like

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: oh my god this is so intense i feel like i have to whisper

mose: WHISPER

mose: You're…typing

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: aasfgghjkl

Plastique Bague: i think it was because she was drunk

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: The only time Silk has ever typed in lowercase in her entire existence

Plastique Bague: but she was like yeah i’ve thought about you like that before!

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: !!!!!!!!!!

Plastique Bague: and i’m like…oh! have u now!

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: THIS IS TOO MUCH IM BACK TO SHOUTING

Dave the Laugh: this is so hot omg

mose: Oh my god get it girl!

Plastique Bague: and she’s like have u not thought about being with a girl ever? i’m like yeah but not with u bc ur my friend

Plastique Bague: (this was….a lie)

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: That’s a damn lie Plastique and you know it!!!!

Plastique Bague: she’s like well are u thinking about it now?

used Tampon: I can’t deal with this in ANY WAY!!!!!

mose: Bitch this is hot wtf she’s good at seduction

Plastique Bague: and then i was like well…yeah bc we’re talking about it

Plastique Bague: so then she’s like well do u wanna see what it’s like? i’m like…OKAY THEN

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dave the Laugh: you did not actually respond to that with okay then

Dave the Laugh: tell me you didn’t

Akeria Sainsbury’s Bag for Life: Okay then ahahaha you’re adorable

mose changed the nickname for Plastique Tiara Edwards to Okay Then.

Okay Then: no i just sort of started kissing her instead of replying

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: GET

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: IT

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: GIRL!!!

Okay Then: so four times over the weekend

Okay Then: i am…very bi

Okay Then: her mouth is amazing wtf

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: Omg my pussy just exploded

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: we don’t need that much detail thanks

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: from either of u

mose: 2 kinds of people

Brooke turned away from her phone and looked at Yvie who looked back at her and laughed. Brooke screamed silently, her mouth wide.

“I can’t believe that’s happened,” she said, her voice excited but controlled in the silence of the library.

“It’s like…the juiciest thing to happen to any of us in months,” Yvie bounced in her chair, her laughter getting ever so slightly louder and causing more heads to turn at the odd sound. Opposite them, a boy got up and left.

“I’m so proud of her. I didn’t think she had it in her.”

“What, Ariel’s fingers?”

“Oh my GOD-” Brooke suddenly burst out laughing, her face flushing red as she watched the people around her grow more and more irate. She dropped her volume. “So that’s why nobody heard from her all weekend? I just thought she was too hungover to move.”

“What do you think will happen? I mean, it is her flatmate, she’s kinda screwed if things get awkward.”

“I’m gonna ask her. No!” Brooke exclaimed, thumping her table lightly. “I’m going to mute the chat and actually do some work.”

Turning to her phone in preparation to be responsible, her heart gave a little leap.

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: hey anyone in the lib?? i gotta try n get this essay started sooner rather than later

Yvie turned to Brooke, fluttered her lashes and raised an eyebrow. “I’m gonna be the best wingwoman in the world because I’ve gotta leave for a lecture, so this seat is allll Vanessa’s.”

Brooke smiled, blushed, and mouthed a thank you at her, before hopping back onto the chat.

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: HOW CAN U GO LIB AT A TIME LIKE THIS

mose: Seat free next to me on floor 4, i’ll put my bag on it if you want?

Vanessa responded with six heart eye emojis. In the space of ten minutes, Yvie was gone and Vanessa was striding across the fourth floor of the library like Ariana Grande opening a concert, huge camouflage coat almost-but-not-quite covering her dark blue skin-tight ripped jeans and her oversized Rihanna jumper.

Her face lit up as Brooke leant back in her chair and gave her a wave as she stretched. “Hey Brooke Lynn!”

Brooke was relieved to find Vanjie using at least an attempt at a whisper, even though it still drew a couple of looks her way. She felt her heartbeat heavy in her chest as Vanessa leant forward and gave her a hug. “Hey girl. How are you?”

“Big time shook over the whole Plastique shit, can you believe it?!” she gasped, Brooke amused at how full of almost childlike amazement her expression was. “What do you think’s gonna happen there? I think Ariel’ll be down for it to happen again but maybe Plastique will start to panic and overthink once the high of her fifty fuckin’ orgasms wears off. I mean it is her flat so if things get really awkward she can always evict her. That’s a joke, by the way. Laugh.”

Brooke gave a quiet chuckle as Vanjie reached inside her bag and produced a tiny, lightweight Macbook with a purple galaxy cover. “I thought you were here to do work.”

“I was, then you started talkin’ to me and distractin’ me,” she raised her eyebrows disapprovingly. Brooke gave a cry of incredulity and Vanessa cracked up laughing. Opposite them, a girl got up and left. Brooke wondered just how long it would be until they evacuated the entire floor. “Kidding. Of course. Nah, I need to start my essay, it’s due Friday. It’s like two thousand words, though, I should be fine.”

“Two thousand, Jesus. I forgot it’s a fucking Mickey Mouse degree you do,” Brooke rolled her eyes, Vanessa slapping her on the arm. “Hey! I can joke too, see! Laugh, bitch.”

Brooke smiled as Vanessa pressed her lips together in a smirk, looking every inch the disgraced, told-off student. It made Brooke involuntarily squeeze her thighs together. Suddenly, she felt a pair of eyes on her and looked up to see a girl with huge lips full of filler, that had taken the chair that the boy opposite her had vacated. She was giving Brooke and Vanessa a dirty look, as if to convey the information that her degree was much more important than theirs, and could they kindly keep the noise down? Brooke cast a glance to Vanessa to see if she’d noticed. She had. An idea coming to her, Brooke ripped a page out her notebook and grabbed one of her coloured pens, scribbling down in her messy writing.

We’d better shut up in case Katie Price shouts at us

She then folded it and pushed it towards Vanessa, who eagerly pounced on it, opened it, and then grinned. Shuffling around in her bag for a pen, she typed her password into her laptop and then wrote back.

that’s the face of a girl who needs to get laid x

Brooke ran her tongue over her teeth as she looked back at the girl opposite her and snorted. She grabbed her pen again.

That’s the face of a girl who’s constipated.

She slid the note across to Vanessa, who let out a stifled explosion of laughter into her hand, covering it up as a cough. She wrote back instantly.

nah that’s the face of a girl who’s got cystitis x

Brooke sneaked another look at the girl, instantly noticing the two litre bottle of water on her desk. She bit down hard on her lip to keep from laughing, looked at Vanessa who shrugged smugly, and gave a squeak. Something occurred to Brooke and she wrote again on the piece of paper.

It’s not cranberry juice. Theory debunked.

She pushed the paper across the desk. Vanessa opened it, snorted, and wrote back.

next time on Buzzfeed: Unsolved x

Brooke couldn’t stop the giggle that bubbled out of her mouth. It wasn’t even that funny yet here she was, her stomach muscles aching from trying to hold in laughter like she was back in GCSE Biology all over again. Her outburst had attracted the attention of the girl opposite and she was staring at them both again, nostrils flared and eyes narrowed. Looking back to Vanessa, Brooke was shocked to find her staring the girl down, her hackles clearly up.

“What are you looking at?” the girl hissed across to her in a posh, affected London accent.

“Not fuckin’ much, apparently,” Vanessa shrugged, Brooke unable to help herself and suddenly doubling over in her chair, laughing loudly and openly in the silence of the library, Vanessa soon joining her. Brooke could feel almost everyone’s eyes on her and, for possibly the first time in her life, she wasn’t a single bit bothered. Was it because she was with Vanessa? Potentially. She didn’t want to say for sure.

Dropping her voice again as she looked back at the furious face of the girl she’d just insulted, Vanessa laughed and grabbed Brooke’s arm for a moment before bundling her laptop back into her bag. “C'mon bitch, we gotta go before someone kills us.”

The girls packed their bags as quickly as they could and sped down the stairwell, howling with laughter and gasping for air as they went. They dashed out of the lobby and out into the square, where they stood recounting the situation to each other for several minutes. As their laughter died down, all that was left was Brooke staring at Vanessa with a big dumb smile on her face and Vanessa smiling back at her, and Brooke swore she’d never been closer to kissing her in her life.

“Uh, so work went well,” Vanessa chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck in embarrassment. “Sorry I distracted you. And very possibly got us both barred.”

“Barred from the library? Shut up. I’m not sure that’s even possible.”

“We could make history, bitch! You never know,” she laughed, starting to walk slowly down the cobbled road that led toward the union. Brooke followed beside her, matching her pace. “Anyway after all that lack of work, I think I earned a drink.”

“Oh, of course,” Brooke said sarcastically, cocking her head and making Vanjie laugh bashfully.

“You wanna grab something?” she smiled up at her, a hopeful shine to her eyes making it virtually impossible to say no.

So ten minutes later Brooke found herself sat upstairs at a table for two with Vanessa opposite her, both of them sipping away at pints of Strongbow Dark Fruits and talking easily, the conversation flowing and making Brooke happy as if she was sitting in the sun on a hot day. There was a lull in the chat where Vanjie looked down through the bannister at the bar below them.

“It’s so crazy to think that without Silky, we might not have met,” she said quietly, then sort of looked at Brooke shyly and corrected herself. “All of us, I mean. Our friendship group.”

Brooke smiled, remembering the moment they all met back in first year. It had been a couple of weeks after freshers’ week and Brooke, Yvie and Nina had sort of all latched on to each other. They had decided to go out to the union for a night out, the three of them preing together in Brooke’s tiny room and ignoring the big party going on in their floor’s kitchen. It was only after they’d paid entry, grabbed a couple of blue VKs, and were dancing to some sort of cheesy Noughties song (either Move Your Feet by Junior Senior or Boom Boom Boom Boom by The Vengaboys- Brooke couldn’t remember) that Brooke and Vanjie’s friendship groups literally collided. Nina had been suddenly bowled over by a big girl crashing into her, her long, wavy black hair flying into her face and the force of her bumping into her sending Nina to the ground. Yvie had immediately squared up to her, her hot temper rendering her prepared to fight, but was held back by Brooke as another girl with straight, blonde hair (at the time it had been cut into a short bob) and bright, perfect makeup had cut in and apologised to Nina, helping her up from the sticky floor and explaining the whole thing had been her other friend’s fault, who’d been excitedly trying to jump on the girl to get a piggyback. The girl had offered to buy Nina, Brooke and Yvie drinks and they’d sat at the bar and chatted for a considerable amount of the rest of the night- introducing themselves as Akeria, Silky and Vanjie. That was really where Brooke’s crush had began, although she hadn’t known it at the time, as the two girls had talked drunkenly and excitedly opposite each other at the end of their table and formed one of those deep connections that Brooke considered rare to come by. That was how they had all become friends, Vanessa and Brooke swapping numbers and the rest of the girls taking their cue from there. Admittedly, there had been teething problems getting Yvie and Silky to gel, but they both seemed to decide to mature a little in second year- Yvie becoming less blunt and Silky becoming less bitchy- and they’d got on almost perfectly ever since. Brooke knew Yvie couldn’t stop herself from making the odd catty comment every now and then, and Vanessa would probably tell her the same about Silky.

Brooke took a sip, not trusting herself to look at Vanessa. “I’m so glad we met.”

“I know, I love our fucking useless squad,” Vanessa laughed in reply, affectionate. Brooke risked turning her head to look down at the paper coaster under her glass.

“No, I mean like us. You know. I love hanging out with you. In a weird way, I feel closest to you out of everyone,” Brooke shrugged, trying to keep her tone level. Why did she feel the need to say all of this? Probably because she was drinking cider on a nearly-empty stomach in the middle of the fucking day. She risked looking up. Vanessa smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Aw, that’s cute. Really?”

“Well, yeah. Plastique and I obviously do the same course and we get on, but we don’t click as much as I do with you. Same with Nina and Yvie. Akeria and Silky I obviously love to death but they’re much closer with you than they are with me. Scarlet I-”

“- barely tolerate,” Vanessa cut in with a judgemental eyebrow, making Brooke cry out in protest.

“No! No, not at all, she’s sweet. Again though, she’s kind of Yvie’s friend first and all ours second. So…I don’t know. Yeah. I just feel closest to you, I guess,” she finished awkwardly, feeling her ears grow hot as Vanessa smiled back at her, happy.

“You’re adorable,” she cooed. She took a sip of her drink then shrugged. “I’d say I’m closest to Silk, though.”

Brooke yelled and thumped the table, causing it to wobble and both the drinks to slosh about in their glasses. Vanessa laughed, squeezing her hand quickly and then pulling it away. “Nah, I love us. I love our friendship, we’re so cute.”

Brooke felt something inside her fall. It was like toppling into bed after a long day and feeling the bounce of the mattress underneath her, the soft pillow against her cheek, the light scent of fabric softener. She tilted her head and looked at Vanessa warmly. The other girl gave a giggle and continued. “No, but like…it’s different to what I got with Silk and Akeria. It’s like we’re the same person, and we ain’t afraid to be open with each other, and sometimes we flirt but it’s like, you know, as friends? I think that’s why the girls always joke about us getting with each other and stuff. You know?”

Brooke suddenly felt as if there was a pane of glass forced between her and Vanessa. Christ, she’d been so stupid. She’d been worse than every sort of boy that girls complained about- building a friendship with a girl on the fact she had a crush on her, keeping everything going in the futile hope that maybe she liked her back. She was a total asshole. Brooke felt a bubble of panic rise in her throat, then pop as she saw the happiness in Vanjie’s eyes. And yet. Brooke, technically, didn’t know if Vanessa liked her back or not. And as much as her mind and common sense told her that she didn’t, Yvie’s constant insistence that she did gave her something to hang onto, a maybe, a what if.

Brooke realised she hadn’t reacted to what Vanessa had said. She nodded wordlessly. Vanessa suddenly frowned.

“Hey. You okay?” she asked her, laughing awkwardly. “Shit, I didn’t mean to put you in your feelings, boo, I’m sorry.”

“No, I uh,” Brooke shook her head, giving a laugh she hoped didn’t sound as fake as it felt. “I was just thinking about the whole Plastique and Ariel thing again.”

Vanessa smiled, then looked at Brooke with interest. “Would you?”

“Would I what, fuck a flatmate? No, never. Yvie and I would just bicker and laugh too much to ever take it seriously, and Nina would fucking tuck me in, bring me hot chocolate and read me a bedtime story.”

Vanessa burst out laughing, Brooke joining in and feeling a little better about things. Vanessa ran a finger around the rim of her pint glass. “Not fuck a flatmate, like…sleep with a friend. In general.”

Brooke narrowed her eyes. She wondered where this was going. Her eyes darted quickly to Vanessa’s glass. It wasn’t even three-quarters empty. “Well, it’d depend on the friend, obviously.”

Vanessa nodded, picking at her damp coaster and then flipping some hair over her shoulder. “I’ve thought about it with all of you bitches.”

Brooke choked on the sip of her drink she’d just taken. Vanessa quickly continued. “No, no, not like that! Just wondering what everyone would be like. Silky would terrify me. She says she’s a bottom but I think she’s really some sort of dominatrix that would physically torture you before fuckin’ you.”

Brooke held her stomach as she crumpled over with laughter. Vanessa continued.

“Yvie would be secretly bratty I think, that wouldn’t work.”

“How come? You’d end up slapping her?” Brooke laughed, choosing not to reveal the fact that she’d heard Yvie and the some of the girls she’d taken home through the walls of the flat and that she was just as intolerant of whining in the bedroom as she was in real life.  

“Nah, because it’d just be us pouting and whining at each other for an hour and nothing would get done about it,” Vanessa laughed, a lick of heat suddenly tingling between Brooke’s legs.

“You are so not bratty in the bedroom,” she objected, trying to inject as much platonic humour into her tone as possible. Vanessa seemed to consider this.

“I have my moments, girl. I’m either bossy or bratty, there ain’t no in between,” she concluded, Brooke trying to push all thoughts out of her head and simultaneously restrain herself from asking further. “Akeria would put some fuckin’ R&B playlist on that’d be weird and unsexy and kill the mood. She actually does this, I’ve heard it through the walls. Don’t tell her I told you that, she’d kill me.”

Brooke pressed her lips together to keep from laughing and nodded. Without knowing what possessed her, she raised an eyebrow and leaned back in her seat. “What do you think I’m like? I’m curious.”

Vanessa held her gaze and it made the hairs on the back of Brooke’s arms stand on end. She paused a minute before she smirked and took a sip of her drink. “I think you put up this Lil’ Miss Perfect front in the daytime and then at night you’re a mess. Like you got your hair all over your face all nasty and you talk dirty.”

Brooke held her gaze, not giving anything away. The heat between her legs was now impossible to ignore. Vanessa laughed and kept going, her voice low and quiet and almost as if she was playing with Brooke.

“You are…such a perfectionist in real life that I think you’d die if you weren’t in control so you’re definitely a top. I feel like you have your moments though. Like sometimes you like getting dommed the shit out of. I don’t know, girl, am I getting warm?”

Brooke gave a quick smile before taking a long drink of her cider. Vanessa was looking at her intently, as if she couldn’t tear her eyes away. Brooke wondered if she’d been looking at her like that this whole time or if something had changed within the past five minutes. Putting her glass down, she shrugged. "Not telling.”

“Damn, well I guess I’m gonna have to find out for myself one day,” Vanessa shrugged, making Brooke’s heart give a start almost like it had been crashed into. And then the moment was gone as Vanessa laughed loudly, reminding Brooke that this was all just a joke to her, just a hypothetical conversation.

A conversation between two friends about fucking each other. That was perfectly normal.

Brooke’s phone pinged and Vanessa’s buzzed against the table, both girls peering to look at it.

Kim Kardashian-West: I HAD TO TEACH TEN YEAR OLDS ABOUT PARTICLES WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN FINDING OUT THAT PLASTIQUE SLEPT WITH ARIEL????????

Kim Kardashian-West: I!!! HATE!!! MY!!!!! DEGREE!!!!

And all at once, Brooke and Vanessa were in hysterics, typing away on their phones, and the moment was gone almost as soon as it had been created.

[jan-uinely]

hot takes continued

here we go. season 12 episode 12. 

so. it’s time to chit chat about drag race. if u dont like my opinions sry. 

this is gonna get bigger than one episode or one season. this is meta drag race. 

but first i guess the episode. right. so. obviously it was a “musical” so obviously i wanted to see jan sing and obviously she did not. I do think that this challenge [not necessarily placed in this episode] would have been a great time to do a like returning queens. but i digress.

i think that it was a little muddled. like it wasn't like any of the “girl group” numbers where it’s just the verse and chorus. all of the verses were placed in different spots throughout the show. I also think it’s ironic that this whole episode is to promote this live vegas show which is obviously not happening right now. but alas. 

i agree with bob in that i liked jackie’s verse the best. 

i did not love gigi’s outfit in the challenge. you couldn't make out the heart as easily bc the red was all the same color. I also think the material used was too chunky- it was quilted. i would have rather had the heart be quilted, not have a corset underneath it, and have the rest of the top part not be quilted. i thought it was a good concept but i would have preferred different #choices. i also would have rather the hair been straight instead of curled.

i did not have a huge issue w crystal’s orange and green outfit. i also appreciated the callback stars and stripes hair. though maybe not together?

jaida was good as per usual. i want her to win, but we will get to that later. 

also let us note the basketball wives hair that made a comeback [gigi, jackie]

runway time.

crystal and ******’s outfits did not fit the way i wanted them too, and the problems were both in the hips. when i saw them i thought the hips should be exaggerated, but instead they both looked weirdly deflated. and crystal’s torso section could have been brought in. [i did see on instagram that the person who made crystal’s look [casey caldwell who is a nyc based designer, works w a lot of neoprene/thick materials- just look up on instagram caseyyalater] actually made it for dragcon and crystal bought it right there, so it wasn’t tailored] 

in the dior v dior battle, i thought gigi won. jackie’s dress was just i think a little too large [not in terms of tailoring, in terms of diameter] but it was very jackie

gigi said that her outfit was quintessential gigi, which i think it interesting bc if you look up showgirls performances, it very much is. however in terms of the character portrayed on drag race i didn’t think it was. it was very well made, etc. but it just didn’t fit the “perfectionist trope” of the show. 

jaida is once again wearing a gown with a presequinned fabric, which i am not mad at. it is quintessential jaida. 

critiques. 

again ooh we have to nitpick bc we accidentally cast too many winners on this season blah blah blah. i was not a fan of when they said oh well we will have to look at report cards. as if they didnt intentionally load up gigi and ****** with wins at the start of the show. 

and then it’s like oh well jackie and crystal have to lip sync blah blah blah. and you know that jackie is going home. bc the judges absolutely love crystal, all because of that mullet. 

to quote bob “I used to be really upset at queens who won the judges with their personality” and that is still mostly true for me. i don’t think her placement is unjust or whatever, but like if ru didn’t like the mullet, she would not have been given the confidence boost to turn her trajectory around, compared to jackie and widow and jan, who did most things right but just were not rupaul’s fave, and must have had a much more difficult time mentally on the show. 

and FWIW heidi falls into this category as well. race chaser i think said it - all of her success comes from ru’s ideas. and being naturally funny and charismatic and having ru like you as a person is a huge gift and huge talent, but the inability to wrangle it...  that being said i think she deserves the world and will grow [and has already grown] from this experience.

and the thing is that crystal also keeps going back to the same stuff which could have been funny if the episodes were more than one apart or if she didn't do it twice in one episode but. idk. 

now, who will win, who should win, hmm hmm hmm. tbh i don’t think it will be crystal. they just crowned the oddball and they like to mix it up, or at least try to. also why looking at the history of dusted or busted scores [and s/o to jan for coming in @ 4 [after the disqualification]] crystal is at a 2, and bebe won with the lowest score at a 3 [w 2nd and 3rd place at 4 and 5], and that was in season 1, which was a whole other ballgame. leaving us with jaida and gigi. i am team jaida. i think that she is much more developed as an artist and performer than gigi, and I think that she will bring us something new.

[here comes the meta part]

the title is america’s next drag superstar. and i think in the beginning of the show, they decided that that had to mean something new and exciting, something that pushed the boundaries of what drag could be [which is rly ironic coming from them but]. which has developed this culture of what is the formula to be successful on drag race. and some people were more overt about this [jan] and some people were more subtle about this [gigi and jackie]. 

but for some reason, the [Black] pageant queens will make it to the top and then never win. - and they’ve had overt conversations regarding pageants and pageant culture on the show before - but balls and pageants were like the building blocks of drag culture in the us [from what i understand]. so inherently that means it’s no longer “new” and exciting. but the thing is that so many of these fashion [/nyc] queens work so exclusively with these high end designers to produce these looks [i think bob said it can cost like 10K to prep all your stuff for drag race] and with that the ability to design and sew falls away. 

and i think that is reflected in the challenges and how they have changed. this season there was one design challenge. and that is just so disappointing to me bc i think the design challenges really separate who has a full understanding of their persona and who does not. 

and with fewer and fewer design challenges, you have more and more designer items, and the ability to create something has fallen to the wayside. personally [and i will probably make another post about this later] i want to bring back the design challenges in one of two ways. 1. have an all designers season. where drag designers work to make elaborate costumes based on a prompt and given certain materials. bc on the show designers are not credited as much [that part comes on instagram]. 2. i want to have a drag race blank slate competition. where contestants audition and are given a list of prompts but cannot bring anything except like a notebook. no prepared outfits. you can sketch designs to the prompts, but all the materials are provided. contestants still have a main challenge and a runway, but rather than 2 days, they are given a full week to execute the challenge and the outfit. this would totally change the game in my mind. like one you wouldn't have to have money or take out loans to compete, you could just come and show who you are. and two the audience could see more of what goes into this stuff. AND if drag race really wants to feed us, they could do like a wed. ep and a friday ep. to spread things out. 

my favorite challenges are design challenges, and while i think the first challenge this season gave us a better introduction to who the contestants are, the design challenge is a really good thing to have at the front. 

i do think that if they had not had the debate that there would have been another design challenge in the mix, but bc it was an election year. 

anyways, i want jaida to win bc she’s excellent at what she does. and at this point there is something new and exciting about making all your own clothes and being polished and knowing who you are.  and tbh gigi doesn’t bring anything new to the table. sure the ability to sew and design is good, but compared to aquaria and violet the designs were not as diverse or inventive. on top of that, the fact that gigi is outwardly apolitical [and doesn’t understand the connotation of “privilege” in today’s times] is just not a good look. I also think that it is interesting that gigi came in as the look queen but actually did better in the acting challenges. 

idk my main takeaway is that gigi is really really good at playing other people, and with that comes a lack of self awareness. striving so hard to be perfect can come at the cost of not knowing who you are as an artist. like gigi’s brand is literally “im that bitch/bitch” which again, just isn’t what i want in a winner. 

and tbh the gigi bug bit early but ended when ru gave her the win on the madonna episode. [i will say that jackie could have won snatch game but tbh i was annoyed w her for being a little dickish to the safe girls that week [though what she said was totally understandable] and also i <3 jackie cox [and chelsea piers we stan chelsea piers in this house] i think there is something so gr8 abt being a nerd and being prepared and being on brand about it. also jackie is always the one to hop on the dolls’ lives and comment their venmo. hashtag cool aunt jackie. [though that here for cox t-shirt and the promo photos make me uncomfy though i get it]]

re jackie coming back to complete the top 4... IDK it’s nice and all but they've already established that they don’t want her to win- otherwise she would not have been eliminated. 

also in my mind there are only 12 places so jan actually came in 7, widow 6, heidi 5, jackie 4. 

anyways these are my thoughts. as usual, raw and unedited. 

[haloud]

episode 8 rewatch thoughts

yes im doing this because alex manes is a legend

holy shit isobel’s opening monologue in this episode is chock-full of meaning

“safety is so easy to take for granted. especially when you grow up loved.” as a picture of young max with a trophy transforms into michael’s mugshot

jesse has max’s house under full-on surveillance. hope someone did something about those cameras or else there’s going to be footage of noah and of michael throwing max out the window

“safety is a feeling you only value once it’s been stripped from you ... or worse, when the thing that makes you unsafe isn’t an invader at all.” isobel :(

lmao i cant even watch the scenes with mrs evans 

kyle bought liz a cactus! get you a man tbh

also fast forwarding through the noah scenes >:’(

jesse talking about “it’s not safe” and “for your own good you need to leave” shut the fuck up u bitch eat crutch

ok so like im not sure how we’re supposed to interpret some stuff like how much is isobel and how much was noah all along but it’s kind of super fucked up that isobel almost made kyle a murderer

i love a sassy guerin

“according to my mom, you were a little terror drawing [the symbol] all over the walls at the group home” maxwell you are on thin fucking ice with me rn

tho i do like that max recognizes that he’s forcing normalcy so goddamn hard someday it might just be true. love 2 b self-aware

i’ve talked shit about michael’s psychic connection coming and going with no indication why, but maybe this time it wasn’t actually psychic? like, if max and isobel are biologically related, maybe their electrical signals are the same and that’s why only max felt hers disappearing/felt cold and weird.

alex <3 <3 <3 <3

he’s all at once scary, incredibly competent and hot, and adorable in this scene ldjfdlkfjld l e g e n d 

iz, if you want kyle to take his shirt off all you have to do is ask

michael yeets discretion out the window

michael i know ur going through a lot rn but also i feel like liz is good for one (1) free slap after this scene lmao

i am Very Troubled that jesse knows alex has the ship piece

i wanna know what alex’s conspiracy chat room handle is

“finally, i called mom.” this sentence literally haunts me i NEED to know more about mama manes. alex certainly doesn’t sound happy about it but he still knows how to contact her??? what is the deal

you’re the flaw, dad ^-^

can i just say i love a storyline with an abusive parent where the emotional manipulation just straight up does not work. alex is having none of it god he’s an icon

“i want to destroy the thing you love. and i want to make you watch”

and then the picture of michael pops up

“so like i said. i’m trying to protect you.”

JESSE MANES DIE PAINFULLY CHALLENGE

the cinnamon topography

god jesse is a good fucking villain

let! liz! and! michael! be! friends!

“max may not see you, but i do.” yes!! liz is fucking dangerous!! it’s fucking fantastic!!!! 

the thing is, though, that max may see her as the smart, gorgeous, loving, brilliant girl next door, and he may overlook how dangerous and determined and righteous and terrifying she can be, but the thing is that she’s both

REAL LOVING LIZ ORTECHO HOURS

michael bb dont cry

equals in both science and twisting the knife guerin + ortecho bffs 4ever

i wanna know what’s under the tarp

michael telling liz he doesn’t even blame her for wanting isobel dead, confessing that they made liz leave so she has all the facts...he knows that he’d destroy anyone who took his siblings from him and he empathizes with liz despite his own pain and fear. this is the content. this is what we gain from the characters all being well into adulthood. god this episode is fucking good.

there’s probably some good stuff in these mrs evans scenes but i juuuuuust can’t

don’t...really know what we’re supposed to take away from noah punching the mirror tbh. maybe he’s pissed/freaked out that the serum even exists?

i am a kyle valenti stan first and a human second

still fucked up that if isobel had died she would have made kyle kind of a murderer?? izzy, girl, please never do that again

“blinded by your perversions” DIE

also love how rnm doesn’t make jesse Just Misguided like that he attacked michael bc he thought he was an alien that would hurt alex nope! he’s just a homophobic monster on an unjustified crusade! all villains think they’re the heroes but that’s not the same as gray morality and i’m so fuckin amped to watch a show that understands that

tear the bitch apart, alex!!!!!

maxwell :((((((((

maxwellllllll :(((((((((((((((((

alex handing his father back his gun is still the biggest dick move anyone has ever done like. good fucking lord. 

alex won’t be caught off guard, though. he knows that he hasn’t seen the last of his father. he knows that winning the battle isn’t the same as winning the war.

the scene where isobel is coated in silver is beautifully shot tbh

liz is a GODDESS.

A GODDESS

“besides, you and I weren’t meant to be together” isn’t that far off from a lot of the stuff malex has said/that’s been said about them, and we see how long that lasts. everything’s gonna be fine, y’all

jesse tryna get jenna to inform on alex DIE

i simultaneously hope that michael/maria is over quickly and that they can still be friends, because they were honestly pretty good in this episode

so the takeaway from this episode is that if anyone tries to say roswell is badly written turns out they’re completely wrong

[tumblunni]

Aaaa phewf a good but scary dayyyyy

I totally forgot i was due for a meeting with the Super Rehab Center For Brain Bads. Its like this intensive boot camp version of therapy, basically? Its a shared housing accommodation where you'd have individual nurses and do lots of lessons and classes every day to work on your particular needs, while also having a bit of a shared community and helping you ykbow meet other people like you and such? So its very scary but also could be really good for me but also its a big commitment and aaaa

Anyway you might recall i talked about this like a year ago and as far as i knew it wasnt actually an opyion for me and i'd got my hopes up/got my anxieties up all fot nothing. Well recently they just suddenly called me back and gave us this short notice appointment! I didnt even khnow i was on the waiting list!!

So yeah it was Big Anxious to go to a big meeting with them again and with different people and a more intense assesment and discussion of the possibilities. But also now i was worried cos i didnt know anymore of i should be here? Like they originally booked me in for this because was in a REALLY bad place mentally last year, like never going outsode for weeks and never cleaning the house and not taking my pills and not going to dpctors appointments and i was just desperate to do ANYTHING that could get me out of this shitty town even if it meant living in an intensive therapy hospital communal dorm thing for a year. And now i've improved quite a bit so i dont know if maybe i was worrying too much and this is something too drastic? Like man is this for people with more serious problems? Am i taking away resources that could be helping someone more ill than me? And also i never even started getting anxious about the size of thecommitment last time, i was just desperate to move house and i didnt even tgink about how i have to survive a year of extra anxiety to fight my anxiety...

So anyway we had that meeting today and i was so freaked the fuck out that as we speak right now i cannot actually fully see and im mostly touch typing. I had so much of a panic attack that i hit off the damn eye twitching dizziness super symptom hell and i nearly fainted when i had to stand up at the end of the meeting and walk out the door. Like holy shit so much adrenaline burning thru my braaaaaainnnn!!! Im gonna be exhausted in a minute i bet. But i'm extra proud of myself cos my new support worker richard said that it didnt show on my face how much i was panicking, i successfully managed to keep that anxiety attack under control and finish yhe conversation with grace! And he also said its no trouble when i ask him for help and stuff cos its not just his job but a job he loves, and he was happy to spend the day this way, knowing he helped someone like me through someyhinh so important. HE'S THE FUCKIN NICEST MAN EVER

also incidentally i also learned he's a SURPRISE GRANDPA?? Like not really, i mean he's more in the older adult range, but he just dropped it casually in conversation that he's 50 and i thought he was like 28?? I mean i have prosopagnosia so i suck at recognising facial expressions but i think even normal peopke would agree he looks hella young! Thats awesome he's even more smart and experienced than i thought!! No wonder he's been so amazing at his job! And he's extra awesome for how he's a dj if he didnt grow up as surrounded by computers and stuff, yknow?

ALSO A RELATED FACT:HE JUST CASUALLY DROPPED THAT HE'S A DJ

He has a fuckin 'sound room' in his house with 'a million microphones' and he brought it up cos i was sayibg about how i wanted to learn video editing and stuff and he said he can give me a free microphone from one of his spares! Damn i need to find a way to pay him back cps he won't take actual money for it, aaaa!! And also hehelped me remember the name of that one animation software i wanted to get someday, and he offered to teach me all his Super Secrets Of Getting Free Samples And Cheatibg The Time Limit. Like man u literally work for the government are u sure u should be sayin this? XD and i didnt actually say it was lets plays but i said i wanted to practise recording my voice to show my friends in other countries and help get less anxious. And then he started talking about podcasts so man for all i know maybe he watches lets plays too! He's gonba reccommend me some educational podcasts about science abd mental health and stuff :D

So yeah it all went way better than expected and i even got an odd chance to get to know my therapist on a more personal level and get some nice help with my hobbies! Also he's the only other person i've ever met who uses Paint Shop Pro 7! A friggin 1999 art software that i still keep cos im too dumb to learn a new one aaaaa. He validated me by agreeing that its very conveinient and comparatively newbie friendly, yes! But its having incompatibility issues since windows 10 came out so aaa i know eventualky i need to learn a new thing lol

Man my sypport worker is so damn awesome and its so rare i acconplish a good thing and have a good day and dont lose to my anxiety! I jus lt wish i wasnt still experiencing the horrible side effects of that anxiety lol. Typing this up helped distract me for long enough for my vision to clear up a bit but now my headache is extreme! I hate that pills take like an hour to kick in.

Man maybe i should order a takeaway pizza or somethin?? To celebrate not fuckin up at a chance to improve my mental health! And also cos its hard to cook things when you have no functioning eyeballs!

[ms-marmar]

quarantine relapse

hey y’all! i hope you’re safe and healthy. with the state of things around the world, it’s hard not to feel distress, hopelessness, anxiety, pain, and a whole lot of other negative feelings. 

for one thing, quarantine has been difficult, to say the least. ive come to notice that many (myself included) have created expectations for themselves to practice certain behaviors during this pandemic in efforts to try to carry on as if things were normal, minimize the effects that this shift in environment has on us, and prevent ourselves from becoming “lazy.” ppl have set out to try to be more productive (from home), follow a schedule, dabble into new hobbies, work out from home, try new recipes and diets, etc. 

unfortunately, many face even more struggles with this pandemic than just a shift from their daily routine. many of you are facing insecurities regarding your health, employment, finances, and much more. such pressures can trigger increased anxieties and lead to the unhealthy coping mechanisms (ie. self harm, restricting, binging, purging, etc) that you’ve built up over time.

i struggled (and still struggle) to commit to a routine, often feeling guilty for failing to do so. i thought about how i was lucky to be in the comfort of my financially stable household, seemingly separated from the outside world and personally unaffected by the coronavirus. i have so much privilege in this moment that i shouldn’t be feeling such despair and instability. im stuck at home, with nothing to do but sit around on my laptop to attend online classes and try to find some hobbies to pass the time. even though everything else going in the world hangs in my mind like a grey cloud of concern, the biggest worry constantly invading my mind was just about what i had to eat. im sure youve heard ppl despair over the possibility of gaining weight by staying cooped up at home, unable to go outside or to the gym. in a house full of food, many of which are “fear foods” with long shelf lives, ive been battling the temptation to mindlessly binge on snacks all day. it’s also easy to opt out for restricting. for instance, when supplies are low at the store, you decide NOT to get that last loaf of bread, thinking someone else could use it more than you. by justifying that you dont need that food, it can become a cycle of justifying that you dont need any food. there’s also that feeling of guilt that arises when you do get the food, knowing full well it’s something that’ll just get purged. there are numerous experiences y’all have gone through and are (re)facing right now as a result of our present day. the pandemic has created circumstances in which new thoughts and anxieties provide a gateway to practicing disordered eating behaviors as a source of relief.

as a result of this quarantine climate, all these thoughts and expectations, many of which have resurfaced from the shame and guilt ive already felt for years, continued to build up. my concern over weight gain turned into fear, and i fell back into the vicious cycle of binging and purging. 

thing is, nothing right now is normal. the moment we’re living in is beyond control. it’s natural to feel helpless. however, we can’t let that take over our lives. the “little” things we can contribute every day to help the cause (ie. social distancing, limiting going outside, being hygienic, showing appreciation to essential workers, keeping yourself and others informed, donating to groups, etc) can go a long way. you’re not helpless if you can do something to show your support. additionally, we don’t need to punish ourselves for the changes we’re experiencing. staying at home might mean we don’t move around as often, and that’s okay. you being hungry after sitting all day? also okay! all these are natural as we adjust to these lifestyle changes. 

apologies i am late with this. for some, quarantine restrictions are easing up. however, pls continue to limit your outside excursions,practice social distancing and hygiene, and wear masks. times are ambiguous and cases are still very much present (and numbers continue to rise). in addition, social justice movements have experienced a recent surge. pls be safe and support your families, friends, and communities. we all deserve to be treated equally and need to stand up to oppressive systems in whatever ways we can. take time to educate yourselves and others, while maintaining a balance in order to not overwhelm yourselves and create more stress/anxiety. i know these ideas seem contradictory, but i know each of us have different thresholds for stress. find yours and develop healthy mechanisms to cope with them. reaching out is always the best option. 

takeaways n important things to keep in mind or try (some of which you may have already heard before; however, sometimes we need a reminder):

-its okay to relapse. recovery is full of ups n downs, its not linear

-u dont have to earn the right to eat. ur body is communicating to you what it needs. if you’re confused over your hunger and satiety levels, which often happens due to changes in brain chemistry, maybe this guideline is helpful. it’s from one of my lectures in an eating disorders class i took last quarter. act according to your body’s physiological responses. if you’re hungry, please eat. if you’re about to go over your fullness levels, please stop yourself and do something else to distract you. maybe call a friend to hold yourself accountable. ik everything is easier said than done, and i struggle with this myself, but every thought and effort counts:

-limit your media use. sometimes watching the news all day or watching how others seem to be doing great in quarantine can trigger anxiety and disappointment. opt for enjoyable activities, learn something new, or meditate. 

-try to eat regularly. 2-3 meals a day, with some snacks between. do not ignore your hunger cues. you might then become very hungry, which increases the likelihood of binging then purging. 

-you’re not alone. many articles have been written about how quarantine has made a hard blow to everyone, especially those with need insecurities and/or mental illness. i encourage you to please reach out to any trusted individual in some way if you’re experiencing any challenges. refer to the bottom of this post for some links about having ed’s during the pandemic. seek covid relief and emergency funds if you are in need (here’s an informational website with grant resources in the US link)

-having said that, seek out a support system. therapists, support groups, etc have moved online. now is the time to join them, especially if you haven’t had time in the past. talk to friends and/or family when you can. be transparent with your needs. 

-feel free to reblog with or comment any resources you may find helpful for others

there are definitely some viewpoints that i’ve missed, and i apologize if through this post i haven’t made you feel a part of this struggle when it’s something you also experience. i just want to say that every experience is valid, and they vary widely. eating disorders affect ANYONE. i wrote this mainly with my own experiences and observations in mind, and i’d love for you all to share your own stories. i want you to keep fighting through. i want you to see the end of this pandemic, to be able to go outside again and experience life to its fullest. all those plans you had but were forced to cancel? you can do them when things have become okay again. didnt have plans? make some so you have something to look forward to when this is over. you have to conquer this battle by putting your health first and realizing the danger you’re putting your body in when you engage in disordered eating. there’s so much waiting for you in the future. recovery is a long, hard journey that we’re reluctant to embark on at first. but i promise that nothing will feel as beautiful and relieving than when you live free from this toxic mindset. pls stay safe everyone. my heart goes out to you and all the different struggles you’re facing. we’re in this together. 

thank you if you’ve read this and made it this far. 

articles about ed’s during quarantine:

1 2 3 4 5 

ms-marmar xx

[unicyclehippo]

omg can you please write a sequel/ part 2 to that supercorp fic you just posted where Lena finds out Kara is supergirl?!? It was so great but now I'm stressing that Lena doesn't react well. Only if you've got time of course :) also I love how you write supercorp in general, it's amazing and feels so on point

i have a fever & im hacking up a lung: this is, in my humble opinion, the time when my writing ability rly soars. rly comes into its strengths. rly just,,, fucjin rocks. enjoy, ur welcome :))/

kara has been waiting, and hoping - and stress eating her way through the kids menu - and more hoping, beyond the normal bounds of hope, that lena will turn up for the dinner date they’d set up before… before all that “i’m an alien blah blah specifically supergirl blah blah blah” stuff.

kara shoves her hand into her bowl of fries, pats around to find one as she checks the long row of windows and the two doors for any sign of lena. her face falls when all she encounters is the cool ceramic feeling of betrayal. and no lena.

she flags down a waiter.

“can i get another of the fries, please?”

he looks at her like he knows she’s already eaten her way through six of them. or maybe like he knows she’s been stood up. it makes her feel worse - slump back in her chair and try to keep from feeling like her heart is being crushed kind of worse - and he nods hurriedly and scurries away into the kitchen.

she pulls out her phone, taps on the second contact, aaalex.

>if after three hours someone hasn’t shown up to a dinner….

>u got stood up>or they’re dead

kara rolls her eyes. then has a minor panic because, well, lena is kind of a magnet for attempted murder. she strains her ears to listen for lena but it’s futile this close to the ground, this close to so many people.

>kara >lenas fine>dont break the restaurant or ur phone

kara blinks down at her phone.

>have you been playing with the telepath drugs

>no lol i learned my lesson. i just figured she’s the only one u have been going on dates with so…

kara glares down at her phone, taps the CALL button with furious precision.

“we aren’t dating, alex. they’re friend dates. dates between friends.”

“mhm.”

“and also i have been on plenty of dates lately!”

“sure,” alex allows, but kara suspects she’s only half listening.

“they’re not dates,” she mutters. “but she did stand me up.”

“yeah i know. you put your "date between friends” in my calendar so i was kind of surprised when she marched herself into my office tonight. she signed everything.“ alex waits for a moment. kara says nothing, just stubbornly munches through the fries the waiter puts in front of her. she’s relieved to hear lena is actually okay, and that she signed, but it’s all overshadowed by the fact that lena isn’t here, with her, eating something kara can’t pronounce and gushing about the science she’s been working on and the way she smiles when kara orders seconds and tries to pay and alex is talking again. "not sure what kind of damage control thats worth, if any. i mean, she’s a luthor. but i told j'onn not to even think about wiping her. or, i thought it really loudly.”

kara sighs.

“as is my right as a big sister, i get to tell you you’re an idiot,” alex says, far more mildly than kara expected. or deserved, really. “so what the hell happened? i thought we’d at least talk about it before you told her.”

“it wasn’t something i could deny. maybe i could’ve,” kara mutters, “if it weren’t for my too expressive face.”

“the too expressive face,” alex agrees unhappily. “you got us in a lot of trouble with that.”

kara rolls her eyes. “sorry twelve years late?” she offers and alex hums her thanks. “plus m'gann said hi. like she knew me, you know? she didn’t know someone was with me, it’s not her fault, but yeah. lena knew. i could see it. and then we were at her place and i realised she just knew i was an al- a foreigner,” she corrects, looking around the mostly empty restaurant, “and not supergirl,”

“hold up. she let you into her place knowing you’re an alien?”

“yeah.”

“huh, okay.”

“what?”

“no, nothing. let me guess, you told her.”

“dramatic reveal and all.”

“and this was…”

“last night.” kara checks her watch, lifts her hand to get the bill. she grimaces when she sees how expensive it is to eat her way through her feelings. but hey, if she’s going all out, what’s a little more? “can i get two of your pizzas takeaway and also four brownies? please.”

the waiter looks ill at the request but kara is too upset to care that she’s eaten way too much tonight. by human standards. she could still eat.

“alex, you still there?”

“yup.”

“are you free tonight?”

“nope.” she pops the ‘p’ with some relish. “day off tomorrow, maggie and i are taking our bikes down the coast, remember?”

“right, right.” kara hands over her card to the waiter, signs the bill he brings over. “what do i do?”

“about lena?”

“no, about the state of affairs in, ugh i can’t be bothered,” she mutters. “yes, about lena.”

“um. well, she hasn’t tried to kill you yet so…talk to her?” kara hears her step out into an echoing room - the parking lot, she guesses, and alex’s car beeps. “hold on, i’ll switch you to my hands free,”

“no, no, it’s okay. drive safe and have fun tomorrow.”

“we will. and i love you.”

“love you too.”

//

“hi, jess.”

“kara!” jess smiles over at her. “late night for everyone, hmm?”

“yeah, what are you doing here? it’s midnight, you should be home.”

“i’m just finishing up some work, i have the week off from tomorrow,” she explains. “do you want to see miss luthor?”

her phone buzzes on the side and jess glances up at kara after reading the message.

“let me guess, she’s not in.” jess gives her an awkward smile and kara closes her eyes, nods. “of course,” she says quietly. “okay, well,” she swallows around the thick feeling of tears and sets the brownies on the counter. “um. these are for her. or you. have a good night bye have a fun week,” she says very quickly and almost runs back to the elevator.

it dings open in seconds and kara rushes in, leans back against the wall of it. she holds herself together as much as she can, can’t really help sniffling but she can excuse that on a cold. she stares over at the shut box doors of the elevator and knows the second she gets home she’s going flying.

//

she wonders if she still has her aunts suit. she doesn’t feel like reds and blues tonight, wants to fly without the expectation that comes with her suit.

//

the suit, alex tells her, was quarantined.

kara shoves herself into some old jeans and a deep blue sweater and jumps into the sky. when she’s higher than the tallest building, she rolls onto her back and floats, staring up at the sky.

winn is still in the DEO headquarters. she doesn’t fly down, but she hears him typing away and watching some show on his second monitor. he’s been working late a lot lately. she doesn’t know if something is wrong or if it’s more guardian business but she misses him. she’d text him an invite, or ask him about a game night, only she left her phone at home.

james is on the phone to lucy when she flies overhead and they’re over but he still sounds adoring when he speaks to her, and happy.

alex is - doing things no sister needs to hear.

“kara.”

lena’s voice is small and kara jerks, almost rolls into the path of a bat, before she detects the slight slight whine of a voicemail.

“i know it’s late, you’re probably asleep, i just wanted to talk and,”

kara lands with a slight thump on lena’s office balcony and lena turns. the slight stutter of her heart comes not when she sees kara’s face, but her body. or, clothes.

“kara.”

she ends her voicemail, steps over to unlock the door.

“hi. i wasn’t - i was flying, i heard you.”

“oh.” lena’s fingers twitch. she folds her arms. “i signed everything.”

“yeah. alex told me.”

“i apologise for missing dinner.”

kara takes a step back, shakes her head. lena looks nervous the moment she frowns and it rips at kara. she takes another step back.

“you didn’t miss it. you stood me up.” lena doesn’t say anything. “why - what does it change?” she asks. “how am i different?” she tries to keep the frustration from her voice but whatever, she’s upset that her best friend is all wonky over this, fight her about it.

“you’re supergirl.”

“yeah.”

“i’m,”

“if you say a luthor i’m going to scream,” kara tells her, and lena’s teeth click closed around that exact phrase. “i’ve been telling you for months that i don’t care about that.”

“that’s from before i knew,”

“but i knew!” kara cries. “i knew, and i meant it, and i still mean it, and i just want,” she stutters to a stop, lifts a hand to her eyes. she’s not wearing her glasses so she just covers them with a hand and slowly drags it away when she’s contained again. “i’m sorry i didn’t tell you. i didn’t want things to change. i didn’t,” the reason, or a reason, occurs to her and she sags a little. it’s selfish but lena deserves to know. “i didn’t want you to leave me,” she tells her, in a small voice.

lena has been very quiet and still as kara spoke and now she nods. “i am sorry about tonight. sometimes, i do things like that. when someone’s upset me.” she rolls her eyes delicately. “i’ve been told it’s a defence. throw someone off balance so i feel we’re on equal terms again.” her eyes are dark, cool. “i didn’t know. that you were an alien. i keep thinking and thinking, and i keep picking out all these instances and i just,” she shakes her head. “i can’t believe i didn’t know. i don’t like that i didn’t know.”

“i’m sorry.”

lena nods. “i can’t promise everything will be as it was before.”

kara nods as well. things - this, them - have changed and nothing goes back to how it was before a shift like that. as much as something might look the same, it never is.

“but i can tell you that in a month, there is a restaurant opening. i have four tickets, i would like for you to take one.” kara blinks at her. lena doesn’t smile but she does soften, a little. “i can’t tell how this is going to go, which is freaking me out a little and in a week i’m sure i’m gong to do something drastic,” she says with an edge of warning.

“i’ll be ready,” kara promises.

“good. all i can really say is that i will still want you to be around in a months time.” kara feels herself light up at the words. they’re not 'i’m not leaving you’ or 'i’m not sending you away’ but they’re pretty damn close. “and i don’t know how i feel about this, i don’t know when I’ll figure it out, but i already miss my friend kara.” kara nods her agreement. she can feel a lena sized hole opening up inside her the longer lena speaks, making herself clear that there is going to be a distance, a time for them to figure this out. she’s sure it’ll be a good thing; she’s equally sure it’ll hurt like hell.

“tomorrow is too soon to hang out, right?” kara checks. “it’s just, alex is away and winn is busy and,” she holds up her hands, shakes her head. “no, nevermind, too soon.”

it grows a little awkward - lena thanks her for the brownies, declines when kara offers to fly her home.

but the next morning, kara opens her front door to lena’s driver, a box of cookies and a small pot of yellow flowers and a note with just a short message.

'our lives are filled with tomorrow’s. this one isn’t ours, but perhaps the next one will be. enjoy your day x’

kara tucks it between the photo frame on her bedside table and the lamp and brings the flower pot with her to the couch. she sets up her next season and pulls the pot into her lap, wraps an arm around it. she pats the pot fondly, sends a photo of herself with it to lena, and settles in.

[minijeong]

New header AND icon!!! I adore it!!! Blonde Yuri is stealing all our hearts. (Also, once you have time--no rush, I understand that you're busy and have a lot going on--can we get an analysis on Eunbi's dancing?)

yes!!!! before she had it, i didnt think platinum blonde would suit yuri because i thought her skin tone was on the darker side… but apparently she’s actually a lot more light-skinned than i thought? idk u can never tell what’s stage lights and what’s whitewashing and what’s real lmaoooo… (stage lights make peoples faces look like white eggs… hence why stage makeup is so heavy… anyway… i digress…)

sorry this took so long but… below cut!

i think the very first observation i ever make about eunbi is that she got hella muscles LOL. and u might think like what does that have to do with anything… but like being stronger physically helps u a lot as a dancer and eunbi uses that. like her legs… super good for staying grounded and tbh i have not seen her lose balance ever (except for in vampire dance practice video. and that is because she was wearing yeezys lol. never dance in yeezys, u will destroy ur ankles and end up like yohan. im not kidding lol… he was also wearing yeezys. they give no support theyre just for fashion lol… poor kid…)

if u see her in dance practices it looks like her moves are really soft, but that’s most likely because she’s putting tension into them. when moves look smooth but not super light, it’s because the dancer is flexing their moves all the way through - it seems like eunbi flexes all the way to her fingertips. 

i also think that her age gives her an advantage when performing more mature songs like ayayaya and highlight. for sure chaeyeon is an amazing dancer and probably had more dance training than eunbi, but eunbi makes up a good part of that gap with her experience with stage and just with life in general. she’s often able to convey the feel of a song really well with good precision, rather than e.g. chaeyeon who sort of puts the same straight face on. (imo chaeyeon could actually be stronger on stage than she is now when she learns how to convey a greater range of emotions, but this will come with age. kind of like how a 12y/o piano prodigy may have great technique but probably won’t interpret a piece as well as a 30y/o performer).

on top of the maturity, i feel like eunbi provides izone with a sense of stability on stage. i dont really know how to explain this. maybe it’s my experience with the stage or something, but you can ‘feel’ when there’s someone in the centre that the other performers trust and kind of settles the performance. like for their debut stage, it felt a little hectic and they were rushing, but when eunbi’s part came, everyone seemed to settle into a rhythm and feel more comfortable. she pulls them together so well that u can literally see it on stage i honestly love her lol

tbh i dont know how good of a dancer eunbi would be if she were a member and not a leader. there are things i think she could do better—e.g. could have stronger musicality, could be cleaner sometimes, could use her torso more, could move her head more—but im not sure if these are things that she’s unaware of or that she doesnt have time to practice. we see a lot of footage of eunbi monitoring izone practices and fixing others. when you are a leader and you have 11 other people to be responsible for, leaders tend to put their own practice and performance last. 

it takes a lot of effort and mental energy to clean a group like izone, where you have people who are absolute beginners in dance to people who are super well trained in it. it’s also really hard to clean a group when you’re dancing at the same time, so i wouldn’t be surprised if eunbi got the least practice out of all of them. when i led a team in the past, i had to focus on everyone elses parts for weeks until two days before a performance when i could finally focus on myself and actually put myself in the formation. sometimes even a day before. during pd48, i thought her performances were a bit stronger than they are now—i think eunbi had more time to focus on her performance and her own success compared to now. but main takeaway from this is that you can tell how much eunbi gives and sacrifices for her team and i admire that a lot. she’s a really good leader!

[knamjoonswhore]

tag tag tag tag

thank u for the tag @binktop​ I LOVE LONG TAGS HERE I GO

Are you named after anyone? 

nah apparently my sister just suggested the name Amy cos she heard it on tv and my mam decided to go along with it lol (tho milly and molly were also contenders)

When was the last time you cried? 

watching the last 2 eps of Your Lie in April 2 DAYS AGO (i cry a LOT so I'm surprised it wasnt literally yday)

Do you like your handwriting? 

i actually do! 

What is your favorite lunch meat? 

um does this mean like,,, sliced chicken or somethin cos if so,, sliced chicken

Do you have kids? 

nope and i don't plan to bc fun fact i don't do well w children at ALL

If you were a different person would you be friends with you? 

idk man i cant see a reason why id hate Real Me 

Do you use sarcasm? 

yah but in a deadpan obviously jokey way cos i never want it to be misconstrued as genuinely being mean lol

Do you still have your tonsils? 

hell yh

Would you bungee jump?

hell yh

What’s your favorite cereal?

krave, i can literally have it for any meal of the day and its particularly great when ur drunk

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

NOPE lol im lazy 

Do you think you’re a strong person?

im def not physically weak but I'm genuinely so emotionally fragile xoxo

What’s your favorite ice cream? 

mint choc chip! 

What’s the first thing you notice about people? 

i dont rlly know,, probs (and this sounds rlly bad) I'm very aware of the ways in which people laugh (i don't JUDGE it i just,, suddenly become Very Aware)

What’s your least favorite physical thing about yourself? 

genuinely theres a lot of little things but my biggest issue is just my big fat legs and thighs

What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? 

I'm wearing mickey mouse pyjama pants and bed socks :)))

What are you listening to right now? 

Warrior’s Dance by The Prodigy get hype

If you were a crayon what color would you be? 

OK SO I SEARCHED THEM UP and i identify w newport jazzberry festival and yankee doodle dandelion (i love the names)

Favorite smell? 

ANY candle or spray with some sort of ocean breeze vibe its just so fresh

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

my mam literally the only people i talk to on the phone (if i can help it) is my mam and nana

Favorite sport to watch? 

...... volleyball

Hair color? 

kinda just brown now, sorta like hay

Eye color? 

v dark brown almost black

Do you wear contacts? 

nah nah even if i wanted to the prism in my glasses (the only reason i have them anyway) is 2 thick for contacts i think

Favorite food? 

oml dont do this how can i possibly decide. chocolate fingers and shortbread and churros for sweet things. i love marzipan and black pudding. yorkshire puddings. ANY MEXICAN FOOD like the nachos from chiquito mmm

Scary movies or comedy? 

comedy i guess

Last movie you watched? 

my life as a courgette!! i recommend it SO much

What color shirt are you wearing? 

a white dominoes t-shirt with the words EAT ME! on it lol

Summer or winter? 

genuinely winter even tho i literally become so depressed in winter just clothes r  easier and i can wear big clunky boots and i like cold

Hugs or kisses? 

kisses

Book you’re currently reading? 

im ,, not rlly. im buying new ones for my hols next month tho

Who do you miss right now? 

MY NANA i haven't seen her properly in weeks even tho i usually go round hers every weekend, just cos I've been so busy 

What’s on your mouse pad? 

i aint got a mouse pad

What’s the last tv program you watched?

Your Lie In April :(((((

What is the best sound? 

HMMMM the sound of the door knocking when ur hungry and waiting for takeaway to come, or the sound when u cross finish line of mario kart race and u’ve came first

Rolling stones or The Beatles?

Beatles!

What’s the furthest you’ve ever traveled?  

to Dubai or Florida idk which is further 

Do you have a special talent? 

not that i can think of, i can play guitar and uke and knit and draw and etc etc but its all mediocre 

Where were you born? 

north england! (THE REAL NORTH)

yay this was fun now i just wanna do MORE lmao i cant be stopped anyway i tag @marcvscicero @itana-007 @shouldvecometoshiratorizawa @neongenesisevanjelion AAAAAND just anyone else tbh