#it was on my list but i don't really have a list u know...
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wip wednesday
nobody has tagged me but i'm simply too excited about fleabag au and want to share another snippet lol
“I have something for you.” Eddie pulls up his vetements to reach into the back pocket of his jeans. He doesn’t even show any skin, but something about the exposure feels strangely intimate – Buck suddenly understands the obscenity of a woman hiking up her dress to show a stocking-covered ankle in the 1800s. “Here,” Eddie is holding out…a bible. Buck just blinks at him. “I’ve highlighted some passages, my favourites. They might be – nice. Helpful to read.” “Um,” Buck squints at him, “You know I don’t –” he gestures towards the bible, somehow scared to touch it, like his grubby fingers will dirty it’s holiness in Eddie's eyes. “I know,” Eddie rolls his eyes fondly, and Buck is once again struck by his resemblance to Christopher. It seems so obvious now, he doesn't know how he didn't put it together before. “I’m not trying to convert you. I swear,” Eddie shrugs, “They're just words.” “Fine,” Buck takes the bible, and his fingers brush against Eddie's. He really hopes he’s not imagining the way Eddie lingers – just a second – in the touch. “But if I read anything unchill about being gay, I’m out.” Eddie laughs, a full belly, head thrown back thing. He snatches the bible back from Buck’s hands and starts flipping through the pages. “I’m serious,” Buck protests, half caught in Eddie's contagious laughter, “I don't need to be reading that about myself.” He slips it in. Cool. Casually. He thinks Eddie's fingers might still for a millisecond before continuing paging through the bible but he can't be sure. He holds his breath. “Aha,” Eddie says to himself, and then he rips out a page from the bible. Flips to another one and rips that one out too. Buck’s mouth drops open. Eddie just hands the torn up bible back to him with a smile, “Me neither.” And does that mean – wait. Buck’s brain performs an Eddie-revelation-inspired factory reset for the third time today, updating the list in his head. Hot Priest. Hot Dad. Dead Wife. Gay?
@shitouttabuck @iinryer @eddiebabygirldiaz @chronicowboy @try-set-me-on-fire
@doeeyeseddie @2x01diaz @hotshotsxyz @saryasy tagging u if u have anything u wanna share<3
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Do you read much fic yourself? and if u do, do u have any recs?
I kinda read fic in fits and starts, to be honest? Like it ebbs and it flows, pretty much, hah. So sometimes I read a TON of it and sometimes I pretty much don't read any at all. So like, currently not really, but previously enough that I def DO have recs, haha.
Not an exhaustive list of my faves, just some random Good Ones I can think of off the top of my head ( all some variant of DC or DPxDC ).
( also def read the tags on these, there's def some tags on a few of them that at least some people would wanna know about before reading. )
Catching Icarus by Fantasyfire ( YJA!Conner gets Super-adopted, interdimensionally-speaking. Fully the inspo for that "the last son of Krypton meets Hypertime Kon" WIP of mine, for the record. )
I Want It That Way by WynterSky ( Tim/Kon but make it 90's and also an emotional rollercoaster. )
Stress Relief by daemoninwhite [ nsfw ] ( Kon goes to a sex club in space for some free-use/stuck-in-wall-style stress relief and gets exactly what he wants. )
Jasmine Luthor by Die_Erlkonigin6083 ( Jazz finds out her biodad is Lex Luthor and literally does not care until she finds out CONNER Luthor exists. )
The Unnecessarily Dramatic Death of One Jasmine Fenton by Rowan_the_Escapist ( Jazz and Jason meet at a party and it all goes to shit pretty quick. fyi I will chew on this worldbuilding and also this version of Jazz/Jason until I ALSO die. )
Lazy Sunday by Faeriekit [ nsfw ] ( . . . I did not think I'd be so into Jason/Tucker but uhhhhh turns out I'm real into Jason/Tucker and especially into Jason getting consensually hypnotized into a househusband while absolutely desperate for his boyfriend Dom to fuck him, go fig!! )
The French Mistake by Vamillepudding ( The wrong Bruce is in this reality but he's a much better dad than the right one, so is that really a problem?? )
Buy One, Get One by iselsis ( Incubus!Jason gets rescued/surprise-adopted by Batman and then tries to figure out if it's safe to ask Bruce to save his succubus!mom from his shitty dad. )
Catherine/Bruce Medieval AU by iselsis and PotatoLady ( I am not emotionally well about this whole entire concept, hahaha. Omegaverse medieval AU where Bruce beats Willis in a fight and therefore wins whatever belongs to him. Which in this scenario includes Catherine and Jason. )
bystander by greeneyedfirework ( Batfam omegaverse where alpha!Jason finds a messed-up Robin!Dick in heat and it is a Problem(tm). One of the specific genre of omegaverse-Robins-in-distress that was inspo for the "Robin gets nested" WIP. )
Eyes Like Kryptonite by dragonez ( Lena Luthor gets a strange Kryptonian on her balcony who doesn't know if he's from an alternate reality or time-travelling and wants specifically HER help. Kara/Lena. )
your ghost i will gladly bear by merils ( Interdimensional Timkon featuring two Robins on a rooftop while they're both dead. THIS CONCEPT, I LOVE IT. )
This isn't how things are supposed to go. But we've always been unorthodox. by RenkonNairu ( Please and thank you for this slightly niche and highly interesting omegaverse take including omega!Kon, bless. Also Tim/Kon and Bruce/Clark, accidental and deliberate and deliberately-AVOIDED bonding, and the shitty version of Lex/Clark. )
Fairy Godbrother by envysparkler ( Batbrothers accidentally-on-purpose decide to meddle in another reality's version of themselves in quick succession, or over the course of several years, depending on how you timestream it. )
. . . . . . like, just go check out thebodydies and Briarwitched, I cannot effectively narrow down the options there, haha, just gooooo.
#anonymous#rinrecs#not sfw#meaning some of these links but not all#and I marked the not sfw ones#omegaverse mention
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The Fall dir. Tarsem Singh
#incredible film#not only for the visuals but the softness#i did not see that coming#alexandria is the CUTEST i was dying last night when i watched it#shoutout to that gaga fan who recommended me to watch it bc of an edit i made#it was on my list but i don't really have a list u know...#i will be posting more edits bc i made many of this film. i have a different one as my phone's bg#tarsem singh#the fall#alexandria the fall#catinca untaru#roy walker#rude surname...#lee pace
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some sketches
based on @theicarusconstellation's writing
I keep thinking of details I left out and stuff I need to fix but if I let myself do that I'm going to go insane so we're leaving it at this
Also some Sirius because they're a fucking king and we love them (I very strongly hc them as genderqueer and using any pronouns, but specifically he/they/she/it)
The dress was a bit of a failure but hey it looks like fabric at least I think maybe
#fanart#marauders era#fanart of fanfiction#Sirius#A form of jegulus#Not sure if reg being an animagus is widely accepted Canon but I fucking accept it it's mine now and i will die on this hill#I DO however know that Sirius is generally accepted to have tattoos but unfortunately I'm shit at coming up with tat designs#I don't think there's a generally accepted list of what tattoos they have but if there is I would love to hear it#If not ig I'll just make something up#She probably has like. At least one wolf and dog one somewhere#Then definitely canis major#Idk how sappy they are but I want them to be one of those people who gets their friend group to draw hearts or stars and gets those tattooe#Also skeleton designs v much. I want them to have a cat skeleton on their hip in that curling position#Like the floaty cat#Maybe with a moon or star in the center#No real reason I just think he'd look fuckin awesome with it#He also probably has a really cool stylized semicolon on his wrist#I can't give him a koi/sun one cause that's mine and it doesn't fit then anyways#But definitely the top piece is the full moon symbolizing Remus#The bottom idk about but like maybe a squished up dog? Not like disproportionate I'm sure I could figure something out#Honestly they probably also have tats for each of their friends#I'm thinking a stylized deer under a full moon with the rat on it's head#or just prongs and moony w/ little bro between them#Brainstorming idk#If u read all that congrats I don't know why or what you got from it#Welcome to the live stream of my consciousness (you're missing not strong enough fucking BLARING in the background of all my thoughts)
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i'm now looking at my list of least favorite french words to pronounce and going "too many r's" for about 40% of them and "skill issue" for most of the rest. some of these are actually very fun to pronounce i just couldn't wrap my tongue around them a year or so ago, but now i can i guess??? so that's very exciting. makes me hope that someday i'll be able to pronounce the rest of them. this is a bit pie in the sky because i really don't see myself ever getting there with procureur du roi but you never know. and luckily the french abolished the monarchy so it's not like i'll ever have to use that phrase in modern conversation.
anyway here are the words i actually love pronouncing now: décaféiné diététicien filleul pneumonie
i now feel normal/neutral about these words that used to be hard for me: automne, condamner douloureux électricité, énergie inférieur, supérieur, etc. itinéraire lourdeur salmonellose sclérose subodorer succincte
words that are definitely within the realm of my current capability but i haven't practiced them enough: bugle hiérarchisation méditerranéen phtisie
words that are still the bane of my existence but i live in hope: [yʁ] plus at least one other r or [y] sound: chirurgie, fourrure, marbrure, moirure, nourriture, ordures, peinturlurer, procureur du roi, prurit, purpurin, sculpture, serrurerie, structure, sulfureux, tournure all words beginning with ur-, hur-, or sur- other difficult sequence of r's and vowels: construire and other -truire verbs; lueur and sueur; utérus too many r's: marbre, martre, meurtre, opprobre, proroger, réfrigérateur, rétrograde, rorqual difficult sequence of vowels and/or semivowels: coopérant, extraordinaire, hémorroïdal, kyrie eleison, météorologique, micro-ordinateur, micro-organisme, mouillure, quatuor, vanillier not pronounced the way i would expect from the spelling: indemne, penta-, punk just hard for some reason: humour
#girl you didn't like filleul????? get well soon damn#the french love writing about linden trees (tilleuls) so i've now had tons of practice with that sequence of sounds and love it#all the words that are hard for some reason other than r sounds is just a skill issue. and it makes sense because a lot of them are#not common words so when would i even be practicing them?#the words that are hard because of r sounds is also a skill issue but that's one that i don't know i will be able to fix through practice#i think i have maybe plateaued with my r sounds lol. but you never know!#bugle is a funky word. i want to love it. someday i will.#you'd think i would have méditerranéen down by now since it is a pretty common word. but it still trips me up. i'll get there#sur- words are bad because i just end up whistling the s?? i think i'm pronouncing the [y] too forward in the mouth#i just looked at my ladefoged and he's like 'rounding lowers the second formant so [y] sounds like it's between [i] and [u]'#but i think i'm trying too hard to get it really close to [i] and maybe overcompensating for the formant drop#and actually pronouncing [y] MORE forward in the mouth than [i]? that's my guess#french#fun with pronunciation#my posts#i deleted a couple words from the list if i couldn't remember why they were hard. filtre? what's so bad about filtre...#yeah folklore is a little weird in french but it's not like putting an l before a k is phonotactically illegal it's just unusual#and not at all difficult for an anglophone ultimately#lubrifiant? idk why i would have felt strongly enough about lubrifiant to go back in my drafts several pages to add it to the post#the rest of these though i can explain. électricité and énergie were hard because my mouth just automatically wanted to pronounce#the second vowel as é as well#automne and condamner were hard because you don't nasalize the vowel before the m AND you don't pronounce the m#these are now so normal to me that i can't get myself to remember the pronunciation of indemne (in which the m IS pronounced)
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Sorry for being late today coming online, a lot has happened and I am trying to think about the best way to organize this blog going forward. For now though I will try to get the list updated quickly and read through my messages/@'s
#meg talks#mainly thinking about how best to spotlight people's fundraisers because so many are gaining and losing traction periodically#and some of my posts seem to get more reach than others#mostly what troubles me is i think that the more campaigns i boost the less effective it is for each campaign#i think that the small batches of donation matching campaigns that i organized with other people was the most effective thing so far#bc it guaranteed at least one donation to each campaign#i think i'm going to try to make other small batch posts too each day#like ''here are some campaigns that are close to their goal/low on funds/almost to the halfway mark or some other milestone/etc''#but idk. i just feel troubled and i think some people who have reached out to me think i have more reach than i actually do#i have less than 3k followers and a lot of them are inactive blogs from over the past ten years#ofc that still isn't nothing and im going to keep doing what im doing but im afraid people might be reaching out to me#thinking that i'll be able to give their campaigns more visibility than i actually can#im grateful that my master list has gotten some traction but the longer it gets the tougher it is to single ppl out#i don't know. if people have suggestions please let me know#for now i would really really appreciate volunteers to help w the donation matching campaigns#if i can have ppl committing to donating like 5 bucks to a handful of campaigns once or twice a month#then at least that's something that IS guaranteed u know... though i feel ashamed that i quit my job#and can't guarantee much myself until i find a new one#idk im just troubled and i'm not going to stop boosting campaigns but i hate the thought of getting ppl's hopes up and not delivering
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thank you for bearing with my purgatory posting and i'm also glad to see i'm not the only one who still has this fungus eating away at my brain matter. seeing other purgatory posting in the tag makes me feel better lmfao.
i'm not done btw, posting will (probably) continue as i revisit vods. wanted to extend a thanks in the interim, since i know how contentious the event was in the moment. i kinda thought the general consensus was most people hated thinking about it, but there's been a weird amount of engagement and yknow other people talking. makes me happy to know i'm not alone here!
#qsmp#qsmp purgatory#shut up vic#block game brainrot#it also provides me the opportunity to get a new perspective on some moments as well#like watching the jaiden spawnkilling thing the first time i missed some nuance in bbh's tone when he offered to walk her to her body#rewatching i heard them :D#i'll probably rewatch his conversation with slime from the same day at some point to refresh my perspective on that#but i think i'll wait on that; that convo makes me super biased lmfao#i'm aware of my biases at least :D and dw i won't bring old discourse back#tbh i never rly posted discourse much to begin with? just that one list and analysis of time stamps LMFAO#but yea i won't be bringing that back to the tag even if it's back in my brain#i PINKY SWEAR; i'm not one to start fights on posts or blogs that aren't mine#i block and then if i REALLY have something to say i shittalk them into my bathroom mirror#bc i know neither of us are gonna snitch >:D#long tags#it's also nice to look at with the benefit of hindsight and reflection#bc i know everything that happened; i was there watching it live#bolas are unreliable narrators#i'll probably see about going through some of the other team's povs as well just to see#it's interesting is all! and i finally have the time to sink my teeth into it properly#since we aren't having to keep up with like six streams a day#it's been so long sinve this server took a proper breather i'm appreciating it for all it's worth#((yes i wish the circumstances were better but they aren't; we take what we can get lmao))#ok anyway love u byeeeeeeee purgatory posting will probably continue#i'll tag as appropriately as i can; lmk if there are further tags i should add#i prefer people don't block Me if they hate these; i'll make u a tag to block if u ask i promise <3
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Summer camps and similar very intense for 2 weeks and then suddenly finished activities are so tragic because you'll form one of the deepest connections of your life and then you never see those people again
#like sometimes you get lucky and manage to keep in touch with a few of those people#sometimes you get VERY lucky especially when its something you do every year and you manage to keep most of the group#but generally its just you spend a week or two 100% of the time with the same people#you feel like its impossible you just met them a week ago#you promise you will keep in touch!! we have to keep meeting#and you do a couple times you manage to get 4-5 people together#but it will never be the same theres so many people missing#then slowly this stops#the groupchat hasnt been active for a while so i ended up not doing anything for my birthday.#well now its exam season so we will do something after that! sure!! ........silence#seeing groupchats where the last thing we talked about was this theoretical meeting is heartbreaking#and slowly the groupchat goes lower and lower on the list and you dont want to be weird and say smth#and slowly when you no longer see it because its so far down you stop thinking about it so often#and then those friends who meant the world to you for a couple weeks are just a distant memory#you dont think about them that much sometimes someone will go on one and you'll be like oh i used to love those!!#and you'll think about your friends who you don't even know if youll recognise if you met them in the street#and think we should really meet again and dont even pretend like you're going to text them#because no one has said anything in that groupchat for years and you dont even know if some of them have forgotten you#sorry im just getting emotional lol#anyways candela see u tomorrooow this wont happen to at least uus💛💛💛💛💛💛#mine
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i might not finish it but here is the boy again!!
#my art#oc art#oc#digital art#artists on tumblr#my oc art#rkgk#doodle#chibi art#chibi#ah. him and his silly evil poses.#i tried coloring it you know and it looked really bad so idk if i'll finish it...atleast ill try again once tmrw but IDK#and ahh hhhh i want to draw fanart again cause my other acc is SOOOO dead rn....that is next on my list to do...!! maybe arknights fanart??#i don't know!!! i don't know what i was doing from jan-march how was i drawing sm fanart!!!!!! where did that motivation and drive come fro#i want it back wtf!!!!!! anyways.#if you read all of this have a wonderful day. im wishing peace and happiness and such for u
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— OCS RED FLAGS.
i was tagged by @denerims and @risingsh0t to take this quiz for my ocs, thank you both sooo much!!
i'm tagging @arklay @nuclearstorms @morvaris @uldwynsovs @devilbrakers @faarkas @girlbosselrond @indorilnerevarine @shadowglens @jacobseed @lightwardens and whoever wants to do this <3
VIOLENT
when something makes you upset, it could even be the tiniest most petty reason ever, you yell, rage, and possibly throw stuff in anger. your actions think quicker than your mind, and it could probably not even be intentional but the next thing you'll realize is that you've hurt someone
MANIPULATIVE
you're probably a passive aggressive person. you frequently lie, and gaslight to get your way. you never want to be held responsible for your actions so you avoid situations by either victimizing yourself, belittling others concerns, hiding the truth, and using threats to harm yourself or others
FAKE
you are a toxic human being. you belittle others, and are overly competitive. you probably envy those who have it better than you so you try to manipulate the person into feeling worthless so that you can feel superior. you are never there for your friends in time of need but you expect them to always be at your service
#tag games#in my scared to tag ppl era once again. might be bc i'm tired ksjfkf so really if i didnt tag u this time go ahead and say i did!!#anyways. (twirling my hair) oh so u all have red flags? tell me more#this quiz was so funny for dragging them all into the dirt i actually took it for many others but the amount of 'fake' i got was embarassin#to be fair i picked my worst piece of shit ocs which explains the fake results kfjsnfk for example both akira & eva got it. akira would#be like mh and what about it? also took it for fenix and he got manipulative well!! he's a blonde man what can u expect#anyways vesper getting violent well we knew. girl has problems dealing with her rage. moira is a bit of a surprise and i don't see her as#manipulative in her daily life u know. with ppl she cares and so on. it's fuckin mojave. she's going to manipulate gaslight girlboss her#way around it and all the crazy bitches that live in there. vio's is just funny tho. reading the result was like (nodding & ticking off a#list) fair...fr. fair again. she's a lost cause. but my lost cause i love so dearly....#oc: vesper#oc: moira#oc: violante
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I feel like there are roughly two kinds of "painfully weird kid" that you can be during your K-12 school years. the first is your "I am trying so hard to be normal but I just cannot seem to hit the mark. there's just something wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it" and the second is the category I was in, which is your "everyone around me is so incredibly weird but they obviously can't help it so I will just have to accept this."
#being a deeply weird kid in school was definitely an experience#i feel like it's also heightened when you attend a private catholic school#there are just so many more layers of 'oh wow so this is...a thing' to deal with#like i honestly think the shit that private catholic schools do to a kid's head is worse for the normal kids#i was already at a point where i just accepted that my personal perspective of the world was radically different#and you really weren't going to convince me to start loving denim or perfume or makeup#so trying to get me to feel a bunch of religious guilt was also not going to work#i just added it to the long list of things that are important to most ppl that i just don't give a shit about and moved on#honestly being autistic in a private catholic school put me in a much better spot than a normal catholic student#the teachers would say something absolutely batshit insane#like telling us that 'mentally disabled' kids get a free pass to heaven because they have no original sin just like animals#(if u know ur catholic shit u can imagine the multiple layers of 'but wait!' involved in this statement but anyway)#and your normal catholic student would be like 'what?! for real! oh my gosh...but are you sure? oh you are. well...i guess it's true then..#whereas i would be sitting there like 'wow that is...a wild thing to believe. also u were staring at me for that whole speech so...'#like yeah i did get involved in the heated debates because it was hella fun#but in hindsight it would be really fucked up to be an actual catholic kid in that school because jesus christ...#a lot of our teachers even had strong disagreements over belief shit and would make us all take sides#so it wasn't even like unanimous weird stuff pumped at us. it was like conflicting weird stuff#one intense divide i recall was the simple but highly controversial 'do animals go to heaven?' debate#most said 'yes' with or without conditions#one teacher said 'yes and also disabled kids' which was fucked up and definitely directed at me whenever i was in the room#like some kind of fucked up 'it's okay because you'll get a better life in the afterlife sweetie' kind of thing#while others were like 'ANIMALS? in my heaven? I think not! what did they even do to earn it?! nothing!'#students tended to also be very invested and distressed by the thought of no family pets in heaven#but also very conflicted based on the facts being presented by both sides and also which teacher was their favorite so...
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Une petite houle, venue du large, imprimait au canot un léger roulis, et quelque crêtes de lames clapotaient à son avant. (Vingt mille lieues sous les mers, 2e partie, chapitre III)
today in sentences that would have made me weep quietly into my dictionary if i had read them a year ago before jules verne expanded my marine vocabulary by ~1700%.
#do u you know how long it took me to figure out 'lame' has a totally separate sea-related meaning#i was like a slat? a slat of what???????#no it's just one of the three most common words for 'wave'#(the others being vague and flot(s))#(not to mention houle of course. or remous)#(and onde but that's a different kind of wave)#now i see it and i'm like ouais ouais une lame nous tous l'avons vue#french#my posts#hey remember the first time i read a jules verne novel & was going crazy trying to figure out what 'allure' was in a nautical context#i was like i know allure means speed...but he is definitely not using it to mean speed#that's how they get you. all these normal words with normal meanings that have SPECIAL BONUS MEANINGS#as soon as you get on a boat 😩 but jules verne is like. you are going to learn these words if it kills me#and who am i to argue with a guy who really wants to teach me five different words for wave/swell?#i learned all the words for mud and manure because that was important to vicky hugo. it's the least i can do#now i'll tell you where i draw the line is learning all the names of the different species of fish. in french.#he's throwing like multiple paragraphs of run-on sentences per chapter at me that are just listing forms of marine life#i don't even know what these are in english so i'm just letting them wash over me#i've learned the ones that keep showing up over and over but most of them are so specialized they're not even in the dictionary#frenchified scientific latin ass names#very fun to pronounce but yeah i ain't committing these to long-term storage sorry
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anyway it is wild that in total i'm dealing with roughly 510 CVVC samples for this library, which doesn't sound like that much at all considering one pitch of VCV is typically 300 to 400 samples and we're talking about 6 pitches of CVVC here
but because of my dumb redundancy measures when recording, each of those samples equals out to roughly 24 CV samples and 14 VC samples, meaning by the time i'm done, the finished .oto will have probably around 19,400 entries which is hoo
i've finished with about 3,000 of those entries
#there's a reason i've since switched over to a 7 mora + 5 mora recording set skdfjhglkjdsf#the new list DOES have some redundancy but it's only for samples i know tend to be hit or miss for me (i u and o)#and the 5 mora string is meant to ensure you don't have to record the n sets later#and you won't lose the tempo by just recording n_ka or whatever#(also so you won't have to sacrifice your starting note or tone by recording n first)#really wishing i'd just settled for 2 mora on this library but alas#i am in a hell of my own making w
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Just when you think we're done with fic links, you remember that I'm nearly two days late in publishing the first few pieces of my own homemade fictober prompt list!
That said, here's Day One, for the prompt 'name.' Some light stizzy, with implied ftm Izzy (am I working through feelings via fic about how long it took me to finally find all the names I actually want to use for myself and how one of them is in fact. fucking. I can't even type it out but if you've checked my description in recent days you've probably noticed the change and Understand my faffing about here ANYWAY SORRY LINK INCOMING)
#text post#im not gonna make a fictober tag for these bc like. it's my own list im the only one doing it lmaooooo#plus I usually post fic late enough that I think anyone it might irritate to see more than one link post in a row won't be awake & scrollin#also i just don't want to have to try and remember one quite frankly tho that said if someone really does want a tag to blacklist these#I genuinely would have no problem making one up and remembering it for u so u can blacklist lol just lemme know#I need to finish the last few lines of today's prompt fill and then should try and start tomorrow's bc tomorrow is uh.#less than an hour away as I type lmao
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I’m cleaning out my closet and got completely sidetracked by a stack of my old journals. Because like --
I like journals.
As a kid, I liked having something on hand I could pull out in school to doodle and goof off without looking like it. What are they gonna do, get mad I’m writing in a notebook?
Now, I like the idea of having an older version of me preserved in pages so I can see how much I’ve changed and how much has stayed the same. How excited I got over my first experience with something that’s now routine. Wincing at how totally oblivious I was during a Clearly Very Bad mental health situation. Past hopes, past dreams, past music tastes, you know? Sometimes I put a nice leaf in the pages from past autumn.
At the same time, just because I want the record to exist doesn’t mean I want it to be here. In my closet. Taking up space and gathering dust. When something happens my first instinct isn’t to hunt around for a pen and paper, because that feels like a chore. Why do I have to record myself for future dissection? Can’t I just have experiences and accept the me I am now is fleeting?
But I also know how easy it is to rewrite a past you have no record of. Saying oh, it’s always been this way, when in fact you’re getting Bad again. I don’t want kid me to disappear, just like I don’t want to disappear someday when older me can only vaguely recall the mundane stress the 2020s.
But do I want to undertake the arduous ordeal of preserving me? Now? Today? Carrying the past to every new apartment and house and turning it into a personal history museum?
So basically my closet’s still gross and now I’m having an existential crisis
#babbling moth#actually writing this out has been helpful bc i think i will burn my journals#i don't think i really want them in my life yknow? i'm just worried someday i WILL want them#plus. sometimes journalling is just to get stuff out of your head and u have no desire to reread it#best thing to do with that bullshit is a ceremonial cleansing with fire#tbh i think i was being influenced by the whole. oh look at this historical figure's journals!! look at this grocery list from 1800!#yknow the idea that all old stuff is vitally important to preserve bc someday ppl need to know how we lived!!!#when archiving as a profession is very much. only keep a little. gotta throw away a lot bc there is SO much crap from the past#we literally cannot preserve everything. not enough space money manpower etc etc etc#even digitizing is limited bc digital storage space isn't free and also hardware goes out of date and stuff#and you need a plan for it!! paper decays and file formats get obsolete and you need to be actively preserving not just passively saving#(this is based on what archivist family members ansd classmates have told me btw im not personally an expert)#(i just think it's interesting)#anyway time to plan a bonfire
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They literally just had a conversation about ice cube trays and whether or not they were clean (they decided they were not i think?) and did NOT ask me anything. Do i not exist to you people
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#the ice cube trays were clean btw just the water wasn't good at the time#which is why they were empty#this and also some things in the freezer that need moved and NOBODY has asked me to move them and i literally could#like#augh. god. i exist!!! i live here! i know things!!! i'm awake!!!!!!#i'm not SUPER annoyed by it but i Could Be if i think about it too much#which i mean. i probably will.#anyways this has annoyed me into deciding *i* will deal with the freezer stuff when i wake up if nobody else has by that point#just ... a constant list of things that's just gonna keep getting longer.#cause i don't want to ... ugh words tonight#i don't want to add the stress of because like. listen.#i get angry a LOT and it's not really warranted most of the time. i do not want to subject people to that.#and also just ... everythiiiing everything about the way i hear him act has been bugging me this week and its only MOSTLY because it's#almost (or is by now?) shark week and i always get pissed at everything right before then.#the other part is that he reminds me of the father unit who ALREADY bugs me just. in general so. yippee i guess.#its like 'hey u should communicate if u have a problem :)' and then i go 'ok i will :)' LYING because i do NOT want to make this situation#exponentially worse. cause thats how it would go. i dont need to feel even LESS wanted in my own home lol
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