#it was kind of surreal today because i was so busy and stressed i forgot about the eclipse

[trivalentlinks]

Don't have the kind of camera that can take a picture of the sun, but here are the shadows of the trees

[livseses]

Fuck, shit, as well as damn it ("blast it all to the lower depths" as Ny would say). Idk if we posted this nonsense already. But fuck it. Gonna post it anyways.

Lol

Lmao

Fucking ha even

So we got

DID

(Pt: So we got DID)

We found out from our therapist the other day that she had updated our diagnosis. She went on leave for a few months, and we had a wonderful substitute therapist who had experience treating DID. After she had gotten back she consulted with said substitute and they both agreed that our symptoms matched up more with DID than OSDD-1.

We were fine with this, and she explicitly said that it was due to the memory issues. When we walked through the DES and diagnostic criteria, we didn't think our memory was "beyond normal forgetting". 8-9 months later, and a fresh set of eyes on us, and she got enough of a picture to check that box.

The only real complaint is that we don't know when we would have found this out, because it had come up from an unrelated conversation. But we've come to trust her well enough to believe that it was a simple mistake and not something more abusive of her authority.

But it's left us in a funny place. We've always thought our memory was shit, but not that shit. ADHD working memory out the door, and SDAM tossing the video feeds into the garbage. Nothing dissociative for the most part. Just weird brain quirks with memory.

But after getting hit with this, it's been, like I said, kinda funny feeling. Hell, read the first paragraph. We had agreed yesterday to pick my girlfriend up from work today, and didn't remember that until after the missed calls. That kinda shook us.

We've had missing days a plenty. Times where we were jazzed by the realization that Friday was one (1) day closer than we thought. Times where we were the opposite of jazzed because we missed a class (or a fucking final exam) because we thought we had another day left in the week.

We don't remember more than a handful of experiences from before college, and they dwindle the further back we go. But we know the facts. This kid with our deadname did/said/experienced X, Y, or Z. That kind of stuff. That's always been our memory. That's always been "normal forgetting".

Appointments, obligations, scheduled tasks. They all get missed until we can't do anything about them. We rely on routine. Therapy a 4 pm on Tuesdays. Oh it's at 3? Or on Monday? Guess we're not going. Need to call the doctor during business hours. But it's the weekend so we can't. Oh now it's the evening so we can't. Whoopsie, it's Saturday again and we need to call the doctor during business hours. Oh and file those papers before the kidos arrive at preschool. Gotta remember to file those papers. But it's time to prep for class and all the prep is done so we're incredibly bored and twiddling our thumbs. Kiddos are here but FUCK forgot to file the papers. Maybe after class? Oh yeah, all the tables are clean and nothing else to do but head home so that we can scream and panic because we need to file those papers in the morning before the kiddos get to class.

I don't recall telling this story before. Wait no, the bored look in your eyes reminds me that I saw that look last time I told you this story again.

It's strange and surreal right now to hammer home that yeah, this isn't "normal forgetting". Fuck I remember thinking that maybe the ADHD memory poo would count enough for criterion B. How much does our memory suck and we've just compensated hard? How much do we forget that we forget?

There's something important I need to stress btw. All of this ramble, all of these memory issues, all of this forgetting and amnesia? All of it is irrespective of switches and headmates (save maybe the lost days). DID and plural memory issues almost always treat forgetting as something done between members. It's so frequently held that the memory is held by someone else.

While that's true in many cases, it's absolutely not universal. Our Dx comes from our recurrent gaps in our recall that's not consistent with ordinary forgetting. Not an inability to recall the memories of other headmates. Hell our most recent experience with that was when Ny agreed to pick up my gf, and she forgot; we all forgot.

Maybe that's a nitpick. Maybe I'm being particular. Maybe I'm annoyed. I don't know that our treatment would be any different if we kept OSDD-1 under the notion that DID required intra-idenity amnesia.

But yeah memory is fuck. Ramble is done. I hope this isn't something we posted yesterday or something. But if it is, that's pretty fucking funny to us.

-Faye

[aniallstory-blog]

Chapter Fifteen

Note: I’m so sorry! I meant to post this chapter on Thursday night before I went away for the weekend and I forgot. Here it is now though and I’ll post another tomorrow to make up for the long wait! Enjoy :)

“So we have the invitations,” I told Niall as we Skyped the week after his BBC performance. He was in Australia doing promotions, but as he said he would he'd been very dedicated to the wedding whenever he had his free time. “The first batch said Neil so I had to get them changed, but I'll send them out tomorrow.”

Niall frowned as he sipped a can of Fosters.

“Are ya jokin'? Ya spelt my name wrong on our wedding invitations?”

“I didn't spell your name wrong!” I giggled as I shook my head, I knew how much he hated being called Neil and I had laughed a tad longer than I probably should've when I first saw the mistake. “They must have thought Niall was a typo and changed it when I sent it to the company.”

“S'disrepecful,” He mumbled to himself. “Lots of people are named Niall.”

“I know, hun, but I got it changed so it's all sorted now,” I assured him even though I had kept one of the original batch just for my own amusement. “Have you picked out your best man and groomsmen yet?”

“I have indeed,” Niall smiled. “Gonna ask Greg to be me best man even though I'd rather have Willie if m'honest.”

“Then ask him instead,” I interrupted with a frown. “It's our wedding, Ni. Greg will get over it eventually, do whatever you want.”

He shrugged.

“It's not worth the drama. Willie can still be one of my groomsmen. Deo, Martin and Eoghan too.”

“That's perfect,” I smiled. “Gemma's going to be my Maid of Honour and then Charlotte, Abby, Sarah and Lucy are going to be my bridesmaids so they can partner up evenly.”

“Everything's comin' together!” Niall grinned. “Told ya we wouldn't need more than four months.”

I stuck my tongue out playfully and rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, of course. Those people who take at least a year to spread out all the stress so they're not scrambling to get everything done on time are so lazy,” I said sarcastically, knowing it would be a very hectic few months for us.

“It'll be fine, love,” Niall insisted. “I'll handle the catering since I know all about me food and bevvies and the honeymoon 'cause I wanna surprise ya. You handle the decorations because that's more yer area of expertise and m'sure ya can find us a photographer in no time so that's all there is to it.”

“I suppose you're right,” I sighed. “We have to find someone to officiate the ceremony too. Can priests even do it if you're not at a church or official venue?”

“Don't see why not, but I can look into it if ya want,” Niall offered. “I'm sure someone in London would be happy to marry us.”

“It's okay, I can ask around and see what I can find out,” I shrugged. “I know you're pretty busy over there. I've been watching some of your interviews, what's all this about you going after Katy Perry?”

Niall laughed and rolled his eyes.

“It's just a joke,” He insisted. “She keeps tellin' everyone m'tryin' ta get her number and m'flirtin' with her, but it's all good fun. I promise m'not.”

“I know,” I laughed. “We all know she'd be powerless to resist if you did start trying to charm her.”

“Not so sure about that, love,” He chucked. “But I should probably try and get some sleep. This jet lag is killin' me, but I got an early start tomorrow.”

“I'm sorry, Ni. I wish I could curl up with you, I could use a nap today too.”

“Yeah? Mean Marge workin' ya too hard?”

“No, Niall,” I laughed at his nickname for my boss. “I was just up late editing some pictures for the orders I've been getting. There's been a lot lately.”

“Glad to hear that!” He grinned proudly. “But make sure ya take care of yerself too, alright?”

“Of course,” I smiled at his protective nature. “But I'll let you get some rest. Chat tomorrow?”

“Absolutely, I'll let ya know me schedule as soon as I wake up,” I nodded and blew him a kiss, but just as I was about to say goodnight and hang up, he stopped me. “Wait! There's another thing ya gotta do before the wedding! Ya need to pick yer dress. Me Ma was hoping you'd let her help? She'll fly in whenever ya want her to. She just wants to be a part of it all.”

I smiled at the fact that my future mother-in-law wanted to help me pick out such an important part of my wedding, but my stomach dropped at the same time. It was the part that I wasn't ready to discuss yet. I was quiet for a moment before I realized Niall was still waiting for my answer so I pushed my worries to the back of my mind.

“Of course she can, it's very sweet that she wants to,” I told him. “I'll text her soon once I figure out when I can fit that in.”

“Alright, love,” Niall smiled. “Have a good day.”

I blew him another kiss before saying goodbye and disconnecting the call.

-

“Hiya, love,” Niall said cheerily when he answered my call about a week later. “Ya alright?”

“Yeah, are you?” I asked smiling proudly. “I saw that reception you got at the airport. That was insane. Just wanted to make sure you made it to your hotel alive.”

“'Course I did,” Niall chuckled. “Bas does his job well. Was wild though, definitely wasn't expectin’ it. Felt like the old days with the lads.”

“Well everyone loves the new single, Ni,” I reminded him as I curled up on the couch with my morning tea, my laptop perched on the coffee table in front of me. “You deserve all the attention you're getting. I'm so proud of you.”

“Thanks, Ava,” Niall sighed happily. “M'so grateful for it all, ya know? Never thought the response would be this big to me going out on me own.”

“I did,” I scoffed. “All four of you are talented. Being in a band together made for some really great music, but being apart really showcases your skills as individuals and I'm not even a tiny bit surprised at the success any of you have had.”

“Still very surreal when hoards of teenage girls are screamin' at me,” Niall pointed out. “Not the kind of reaction I'll ever get used ta.”

“No, I bet not,” I giggled.

The conversation moved on to how his flight there had been, his schedule for the next few days and how things were going for me in London, but it didn't take long for Niall to get back to the topic I was trying to avoid.

“I heard from me Ma yesterday by the way and she said ya still haven't gotten in touch about picking yer dress,” He told me, causing a knot form in my stomach.

“Oh yeah, sorry. I've just been really busy with everything else, I still haven't picked a time for that yet.”

It wasn't a lie, I had been busy with everything else, but I had been prioritizing those things for a reason. Something Niall copped on to faster than I had expected.

“Picking out yer dress is supposed t’be top of the list for most brides, isn't it?” He asked, his tone conveying it was more of a statement than a question. “You've found a photographer, made the invitations, finalized a guest list, started lookin' for someone to officiate, but ya haven't put any thought into yer dress yet?”

I hesitated for a moment before I answered.

“Yes?”

My voice was quiet and questioning and I heard Niall sigh.

“The tables have turned now, haven't they, love?” He asked. “There's somethin' yer not tellin' me, some reason you don't want to talk about this. You've brushed me off every time I've asked. If ya don't want me Ma to help pick yer dress, I can just tell her. She won't be offended.”

“No, Niall! That's absolutely not the issue,” I rushed to assure him, not wanting him to think for a minute that I didn't appreciate his mum's interest in helping. “It's not a big deal, really.”

“But there is somethin'?” He questioned. I could practically hear his brain working as he tried to figure it out. “It's not what ya said about needin' to lose weight first, is it? I know ya have to try not to lose weight once ya get yer dress fitted, Denise was all stressed out about that before their wedding so is that why yer putting it off? Honestly ya don't need to lose a pound. You're beautiful just the way ya are and if anyone says otherwise they can fuck right off. No real fan of mine would say a bad thing about ya, 'specially not somethin' like that.”

That wasn't exactly true, 'real fans' of his had said horrible things about me plenty of times, but that was beside the point. I wasn't worried about my weight.

“It's not that either,” I said quietly, nervously biting my lip. He was worried and I knew I had to be honest with him, but he would probably think I was being stupid. Even I thought I was.

“Yer not still mad about the time restraint and doing it all on my schedule, are ya?” When I denied that as well, he let out a frustrated sigh. “Well then m'out of ideas, love. Yer gonna have to tell me what's going on in that head of yers if ya want me t’help ya through it.”

I felt tears prick my eyes, but I blinked them back and cleared my throat, hoping he wouldn't be able to tell how upset I was.

“I want my mum to be there,” I mumbled so quietly I wouldn't have been surprised if my laptop's microphone didn't pick it up. But once I'd made the confession everything came pouring out. “Picking out a wedding dress is something you're supposed to do with your mum, you know? She's supposed to be there to give me suggestions, tell me what suits me and what looks awful because she totally would have,” I smiled through the tears that were blurring my vision. “She had a habit of not sugarcoating anything. She wouldn't have let me walk out there in anything that was less than perfect even if it meant giving me some tough love. I want her suggestions on what style. I want to see the look on her face when I find the perfect one. I want her to be there.”

Niall was quiet for a moment.

“I'm sorry, Ava,” He sighed. “Didn't even think about that.”

“It's alright,” I sniffled, wiping my eyes. “It's silly, I know. But this whole process is making me miss her a lot. I think about her every day, Ni. I get so mad about it sometimes. It's not fair that she won't get to be there and see me get married, she'll never get to meet you and see how amazing you are and how happy you make me, she won't get to meet any kids we have or teach me how to be a good mum like she was, I'll never get to know if she's proud of who I am and what I'm doing.”

“'Course she's proud of you, love,” Niall insisted. “It isn't fair and I wish I could change that for ya, but she's watching ya and looking out for ya and she knows what an amazing woman you've turned out to be. Probably wishes ya'd fallen for someone who could be around for ya more than I am, but I like to think she knows how much I love ya and how hard I try to look after ya for her.”

I smiled, my heart swelling at his words.

“She wouldn't have wanted me to be with anyone else,” I assured him. “She would have loved you. She always had a thing for Irish accents, she probably would have been pretty jealous that I found myself such a good looking Irishman.”

“I wish I could have met her,” Niall laughed. “And I know it's not the same and no one could take her place, but me Ma will never let ya pick out a dress that doesn't suit ya either. I know she seems nice, but she can be brutally honest too. She really wants to be there for ya and help with it all.”

“I want her to, I swear,” I insisted, smiling at the thought of Maura telling me how horrible I looked in an unflattering dress. “It's just taken a bit of the excitement out of it, you know? Everything else has been fine, but doing this without my mum just won't be the same. I'll get over it though and pick a date soon.”

“Ya don't need to get over it,” Niall said gently. “Yer allowed ta be upset, yer allowed to miss her. Just don't let it ruin things yer supposed to be excited about too much, yeah? She wouldn't have wanted that. She'll be there with ya when yer picking out a dress anyway even if ya can't see her.”

“You're right,” I smiled, wiping my eyes on my sleeve. “Thanks for the pep talk, hun.”

“Anytime, Darlin'. S'what m'here for,” He assured me. “Wish I could give ya big hug though. Don't like being away from me girl when she's sad.”

“You're too sweet,” I giggled. “I wish you could give me a hug too, but I'll be alright. I'll pick a date at some point today and talk to your mum later.”

“Sounds good, love,” Niall agreed. “But I gotta run, have another interview coming up in a few minutes. I'll text ya later, alright?”

“Alright. Good luck with your interview. I love you, Niall.”

“Love you too, Ava.”

I blew him a kiss, we said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. It felt good to get my sadness off my chest, but it didn't make it disappear. Nothing in the world would change the fact that my mum wouldn't be able to help me pick my wedding dress or see me on the big day.

I felt more tears well up in my eyes and before I knew it I was sobbing right there on our couch. I let it all out. All the fear of not having her guidance, the anger at the unfairness of it all and the sadness that after all those times we'd talked about what my wedding would be like when I was younger, she wouldn't get to share it with me now it was actually happening. I cried and cried until there were no more tears left before grabbing a tissue off the coffee table and blowing my nose.

Sometimes there's pain in life that you just need to feel and despite the fact that no amount of tears or tantrums would bring my mum back, this was still a pain that I had to get out of my system every once in a while even six years later.

[adapted-batteries]

Season 3 Things

Alrighty...I’ve finished up season 3 today, and well I got some things for sure. I think I spent a lot of time focusing on Ezekiel, since I really wanted to see the evidence of the ptsd we’ve headcannoned he has. Some eps it’s not really apparent, but then there’s those specific moments that I’m like “oh man yup.” As my season 1 and season 2 posts, this will be under a keep reading. Also, if you haven’t seen season 3 for some reason, this definitely contains spoilers.

“And the Rise of Chaos”

I really need to remember to use “broaden your horizons” when people annoy me...most of the time I don’t really voice what I’m thinking though so that’s an issue there. Still a great line.

When the manikins came to life I wrote “It’s night of the museum gone horribly wrong.” I also know that either Dean Devlin or John Kim said it was a throwback to the autons from the first ep of the new series of Doctor Who.

“Your mothers did not hug you enough did they?” Well yeah Jenkins, they all had pretty shitty childhoods one way or another so you need to be nice to them. Be the grandpa they always wanted.

Also if Ezekiel’s been using artifacts to do stuff, how skilled is he in magic? Obviously Cassandra’s got the most out of the LiTs, but apparently he’s taught himself stuff.

Honestly seeing the LiTs get excited about stuff is the best...like I don’t know how Baird told them no about the sub, they were too adorable for me.

When Jenkins said magic was something they shouldn’t use, Flynn didn’t outright agree with him. He implied that was his stance...but we all know he’s been using the diffusing spell every time he introduces himself as a Librarian. Also that marshmallow roasting...love it when the kids have fun with dad.

Eve stopped the boys from rambling on about smuggling in early 19th century America...but like honestly I wanted to hear more...I always loved the National Treasure movies as a kid...I think by way of movies I was prepared as a kid to like the Librarians...I mean Indiana Jones, National Treasure, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Treasure Planet, I’m sure there’s more.

Also when Ezekiel said he needed imaging equipment to see the mechanism...doesn’t the Library have an x-ray machine, or access to one? I mean where do those x-rays in Jenkins’s lab come from?

When Apep turns them against each other...Stone causally throttles Ezekiel...before I was thinking he pushed him against the wall again but I think Ezekiel circles them because they’re in reversed positions when Eve pulls them out.

The singing bit...the singing...I need me the Bibliotechnos...though later Ezekiel’s listing the magical instruments they have and says Pan’s flute...apparently he doesn’t remember that’s what knocked him and the others out in season 2.

When Flynn says “who protects this world?” to Apep, the music is very much like the music in the 11th Doctor’s run, so the appropriate response is The Doctor at this point.

Final bit...Flynn’s wearing a robe and pj’s in the last scene, and it’s late...so unless Flynn is one make commutes in that outfit, which he doesn’t strike me as that person, then he lives in the Library now...which is kind of odd since in the movies, he had an apartment.

“And the Fangs of Death”

Honestly Charlene’s gotta pretty good idea of vacation...certainly wouldn’t mind that...well not the whole Apep abducting bit but still. Also how long as she been doing this? She said she needed to clear her head after losing Judson...but she wasn’t in season 2 either...so was she off gallivanting for over a year? I guess that’s hours to her being an immortal, but still...long time to not do the Library’s accounting.

Ezekiel’s endearing look at his pizza when Flynn says we store emotional energy “in the objects we hold dear.” Also kind of surprised Jenkins was so easy to fool...I feel he’d be better than that.

When they first get in the facility, Ezekiel looked really uneasy...granted the facility looked wrecked like Darpa did, which was no doubt dredging up memories. And then later when Flynn’s yelling at him to get the video back, his voice is very tense and stressed, and he clenches his jaw before running after Flynn to keep him safe. When he got bit, obviously it hurt, but he was yelling a lot, and I don’t think that yelling was specifically pain, I think it was a bit of fear as well.

After that he’s closed off, doesn’t make a big deal about it...which doesn’t make sense if he yelled that much from pain. It does make sense though if he was starting to go back into combat mode...and why he’d think of sacrificing himself to get to the steam valve. Flynn did not have to sniff Ezekiel to prove his point though...like unless he’s got an unusually sensitive nose...there was no reason to do that except for effect.

Jenkins, after barely missing the river, mentions he jumped off the Hindenburg. Somewhere, probably on Ao3, I read a fic that was about that...it was good, if I remembered it more I’d link it.

That Flyzekiel moment before Ezekiel goes into the corridor, Flynn realized just how much he both cared for and admired Ezekiel...I mean doing that on a good hunch, he was risking his life, and Flynn apparently didn’t think Ezekiel was capable of that until then.

Aaand then Ezekiel woofs at Anubis...classic Ezekiel. Though as the virus is really taking hold, I imagine Ezekiel’s really freaking out, losing control, turning into something that either he could hurt is friends, or his friends would have to hurt him. I did notice though, though it may have been to low lighting, that once Anubis got sucked back into wherever he came from, Ezekiel looked less werewolfy...so did the lycanthropy get sucked in too a bit? I mean obviously Ezekiel’s drinking wolfsbane tea afterwards so there was still some there, but he looked a lot better when Jenkins was supporting him.

When Stone through the ball, Ezekiel whined, like a dog...and somehow I didn’t hear that before. Also Stone enjoyed that so much that he tripped on the ladder when he came back in the main area. And Ezekiel never came back in shot...I like to imagine he was busy chewing on the ball...not getting the game of fetch like my dog doesn’t.

“And the Reunion of Evil”

Cassandra says she and Stone are a well-oiled machine...what a contrast to season 1 dynamics.

If Nessie had to go deal with developers, does that mean she can come and go as she pleases?

Every time I watch the scene where Cassandra rants to Meredith about Stone, it feels so satisfying, and then descends into amusement as Meredith starts hitting on Cassandra.

This watch I realized why everyone “ooohs” when Stone says his favorite natural disaster is global warming...they’re all frost giants. Surprised I didn’t get that at first.

Also apparently drunk Stone can only talk about history...figures. Though he sobered up really quick when Cassandra pulled him in that closet.

Eve’s look when she learns Ezekiel’s been tracking the weather...she knows he cares. Also the amount he was sticking on it, even when he was caring for the egg, shows where his focus was the whole time.

When Cassandra and Stone start fighting they both apparently have the poppy neck veins when they get angry. Also I don’t know first hand what a bar during Bedlam is like...but I also know that I’d avoid a bar during Bedlam so I guess that explains itself.

I love the evolution of Ezekiel’s egg carrying, especially the baby strap thing.

When they’re back in the Library Cassandra points out the whole saying “we’re the Librarians” gets them in places...Cassandra realized it was the spell...but later on in “And the Curse of Cindy,” Stone asks Flynn like he doesn’t know...guess he forgot?

I’ve never figured out why it’s such a big egg for such a little creature...that’s not how eggs work...needless to say mom Ezekiel is the best, especially him getting emotional at seeing it for the first time in the tank.

“And the Self-Fufilling Prophecy”

They really enjoyed having wet Ezekiel and Stone this season...especially Stone since he got drenched again in “And the Fatal Separation.”

Gotta love the kids wanting to make sure mom’s okay.

My only comment when the Reaper shows up is “Oh hey, edgy Assassin’s Creed.”

“Coincidence is dating two girls at the same time and finding out they’re sisters” stone boy what’d you get up to in Oklahoma? I remember seeing a post on tumblr pointing out that it was either Stone being stupid or stone attempting to live up to his “jock who gets the chicks” expectations and I lean quite towards the latter.

I know the goggles are on the right way around but I always thought Stone and Ezekiel put them on the wrong way because the plastic bit that goes over the bridge of the nose is really low down. Also Ezekiel’s kissing the coin...and Stone’s “wow.”

“Makes me want to go ‘hmm’” you’re a dork Jenkins.

Technically the prophecy never showed them hurting each other…it just showed them running at each other.

Wait so how did eve know she was the oracle? Eve didn’t know her prophecy...and nothing else made specific sense for her to be the Oracle.

Why does Stone tense his whole body when he says “mate” to Ezekiel?

Jenkins wants to go see Carrot Top...but Ezekiel seems not to want that at all...wonder why.

“And the Tears of a Clown”

Ezekiel got Jenkins a lock picking set for Christmas...that’s so sweet.

I really like the glowy affect the carnival has at first, makes it feel more surreal.

Well...snake charmer Ezekiel...that is quite an enjoyable sight. Also that mustache on Stone, and the wiggle he does...can’t handle that with a straight face.

“There’s nothing that would stop me from coming after you” Jenkins caring is the best

According to the Amazon video trivia, the scepter of Korab is a reference to Star Trek: TOS, specifically the Korab in 2x17 who had a scepter that allowed him to change matter and control people.

Why does Stone feel the need to whack Ezekiel when he gets the idea that it’s the magic wand? Like so much action going on there considering he beat on the table too.

The last time Christian was doing a slow mo cool crew scene at a carnival was in Leverage...the outfit is a lot more hilarious this time. Also, Ezekiel and Stone, causally hiding in small spaces, was a thing this season as well, since they did it again later in “And the Eternal Question” in the bunker/lab thing.

Cassandra didn’t realize Kirby had the hots for Charlotte...and seems to not realize it when it’s happening to her, or does and is super smooth...honestly really makes for an autistic headcannon for her, and honestly I’m on the train that everyone is on the spectrum.

Cassandra’s face when Kirby makes the two guys punch each other is great, so disapproving, and the make up makes it even better. Also after Kirby gets them, when they get to the molten wax vat, they’re in their normal clothes...but unless Kirby let them change, doesn’t make sense. Weird continuity thing.

Stone saying “don’t be wrong” to Kirby is me @ people who say wrong stuff.

“And the Trial of the Triangle”

Love how they had to ninja up and hand cuff Flynn to get him to sit still. That whole scene is pretty interesting, because we get to see both character growth from the LiTs, and character regression with Flynn’s running around. And it’s the little things in the background that show how much the LiTs they bonded...Stone’s elbow bump for encouragement when Ezekiel walks back to the stairs, Ezekiel’s hand pat for Cassandra, and Ezekiel’s and Cassandra’s approving nods at Stone.

Stone having fun figuring out the disappearance pattern is always fun to watch.

The kids don’t like mom and dad arguing...except Ezekiel...he’s literally in awe until Stone smacks him to get going through security.

“I love you more than learning itself” well that’s how we know it’s real. Flynn went around running because he super cares about how Eve looks at him, and yeah she was annoyed with him for sure in season 2, and he really failed at communicating at how that bothered him.

The whole plane lavatory scene...Noah’s acting in this always gets me. You can see when Flynn realizes he’s been away from Eve too long and thus isn’t being the Librarian she knows he can be. He needs her to keep him in check just like the LiTs need her to keep them from arguing all the time.

Also you’d think after the whole Santa affair someone would have learned to fly a plane.

“The whole hillside is not covered in spice” actually flynn says “a veces a la dora de beda no está cubierta de azúcar” which means “Sometimes the donut is not covered with sugar”....so how did they get the line the whole hillside is not covered in spice from what he said???? Azucar hasn’t changed meaning that I know of so it never meant “spice.”

When Flynn used the mirror to see Tibbar backwards...the R and B’s weren’t backwards.

I just noticed Flynn answers the caring friend line and says he’s “terrified of being hurt” then Stone relieves himself as the knight...coincidentally it’s a problem they both had, but Stone’s gotten over that fear since he joined the library, though it took time.

My final comment was “ Heh only took a trip to the Bermuda Triangle to get Flynn to quit being an idiot.”

“And the Curse of Cindy”

Ok the way they show Cindy in the glowing white light and outline always made me think there was some deity doing this or like a low key alien vibe. Also I’m glad Ezekiel’s on the internet because they would have no information on Cindy if it wasn’t for him.

Flynn looked really haggard in the confessional booth, like he’s not had sleep. Apparently he’s still been doing whatever, or not sleeping well, after Eve pointed it out in the intervention.

“He’s always been wily” I love that pun.

“Stay strong,” Stone says...then immediately gets affected by the potion.

Ezekiel’s torn between being super confused and wanting to punch Stone to shut him up. Also Stone saying the bridge the Annex is under is beautiful is hilarious...even drugged he loves architecture.

Ezekiel responds to the question of his immunity with “She’s...not my type.” What does this mean????? The hesitation...that really leans into the “Ezekiel’s not straight” lane.

Also Eve went into Cindy’s room...but didn’t get affected. Theory time.

Jenkins seems serious about Ezekiel being so self-obsessed it negated the potion. Some thought that Ezekiel was immune because he was in love with Stone (thus why he acted weird when Stone confronted him at the end of the ep), but it would make sense because Ezekiel was already obsessed with protecting his family (thanks to ptsd).

Also I don’t agree with Stone’s statement that he and Flynn have egos comparable to Ezekiel’s...especially when Flynn’s got knocked down several pegs in the previous episode, and Stone was never focused on himself completely like Ezekiel had been. However I don’t think it was Ezekiel’s ego either, since I’m on the train that his behavior in season 3 shows he’s really caring for everyone’s safety to the point he risked his life at the super collider, so if Ezekiel being obsessed with something else was the key, it was protecting them. Theory time done for now.

Jenkins totally didn’t question his immunity, but he stuck the stink on him anyway because he could.

Cassandra touched under her nose when she calculated the trajectory of the missile, like she was having a nose bleed...she hasn’t done that all season, this is lead up to her surgery next ep.

I’d love to know what Flynn and Stone said when Jenkins put their gags back on after the failed remedy.

When Ezekiel’s talking to Cindy, we get a lot of his backstory, and see him fumble with complimenting her since he doesn’t do that normally...and that smile he does when he sees his words working on her, it’s priceless.

Something tells me an industrial freezer wouldn’t get that cold to get metal to the brittle point...cool concept anyway

The computer says “whomper” which is a reference to “WOPR” from War Games...I love that movie.

Theory time again...the fact that Ezekiel says that he found the right ones worthy of his love tells me his obsession from wanting them safe is a really plausible candidate on what made him, and Eve, immune. It’s not that Flynn and Stone don’t care for the others, but Flynn is in a vulnerable place from the episode before, and Stone’s had 20+ years of not having mutual care going on for his true self, so he’s still settling into it. Ezekiel’s jumped into it wholeheartedly. Theory time over.

Love how Ezekiel has to like reboot after Cindy kisses him. He was completely caught off-guard. Also when he leaves...he doesn’t kiss her on the mouth, he goes for the forehead...most people go for the mouth...but I guess that could be a preference thing.

The final scene...the first time I saw it, I totally thought for a moment Stone was going to confront him about his suspicions of Ezekiel’s love being for him...but of course that didn’t happen. Ezekiel was going to say something when Stone walked away though, and it wasn’t going to be “no” in a normal denial if Stone had been right (because Ezekiel rarely fesses up to stuff right away) so he was going to say something else. I need to knoooooowwww...

“And the Eternal Question”

“I’m not sick anymore” *bursts into flames* well okay then...if you say so...always cracks me up.

Flynn was in no way subtle about the clue he found.

Ezekiel...boy...don’t eat people’s food...also if they hadn’t ripped off the curtain, I don’t think she would’ve burst into flames since she was only exposed for a bit. And Stone and Ezekiel re-creating the scene...poor Cassandra just sees Stone bent over Ezekiel, patting him, and Ezekiel’s shrieking...

I agree wholeheartedly with the LiTs...the spa is beautiful and I’d never leave either...unless it was humid...that’s a deal breaker for me.

Estrella was not being subtle about using her vampire hearing...but apparently none of them thought that odd. Stone immediately sees what’s going on and starts playing wing man. He does try to point it out to Ezekiel by leaning into him, but Ezekiel doesn’t get his body language. I would’ve loved to see what would’ve happened if we had a few seconds more after Cassandra and Estrella walk off, because I figure we would get Ezekiel either asking what was up and Stone explaining, or Ezekiel realizing it. To be fair, he missed it at the weather lab in season 2 as well.

When Jenkins mentions Simone and Flynn, Cassandra’s like “Oh boy, make that two Librarians who fell for vampires.”

Ezekiel gets manicures...good to know. Also why wouldn’t Ezekiel have a gem loupe...he’s a thief...and they’re are shiny rocks everywhere.

The whole Jazekiel fight scene...the “You got me” “glad you feel that way,” the arm running. And Jenkins saving them, he’s so cool.

Half the montage when Cassandra’s in surgery, Ezekiel and Stone stay together, the last clip they’re hunched towards each other...for comfort???

Stone totally went and told Estrella Cassandra made it because he’s a good wing-man.

My only comment when the Castrella kiss happened was “ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” so there’s that.

“And the Fatal Separation”

I wonder how sick of bananas Stone got while he was at Shangri-La...or if the banana smoothies were a treat for him finishing his training.

So with Flynn not dying in the end, did his candle get longer again? Or is it just still lit? Also if he was going to die, and his was short, how come Charlene’s were not short? I guess being immortal messes with the candles?

Eve thinks Cassandra’s gift is now what alternate reality Cassandra had.

The zoom on Flynn’s leg scar....who thought that was ok??? It’s so obnoxious...we do cuts for a reason guys...

Land Pirates...yes. According to the Amazon trivia thing, the Trojan horse is in the Iliad first, not Odyssey. I haven’t studied either so I wouldn’t know. Also Stone was having fun memorizing the layout of Shangri-La while he was there for sure to know that secret entrance/exit.

I can’t get over Ezekiel not being able to drink...if you’re jaw is fused shut...your lips still work boy...

Love how Cassandra's just as confused about helping Ezekiel as he is getting her help.

The music went all Doctor Who again in that last fight scene.

Stone freaking out about the tattoo...but like honestly why would he hide it boy, I know it’s instinct for him to hide stuff, but you’d think by now he’d realize he doesn’t have to hide anymore and communication is super important about everything.

Man the Jenkins and Charlene feels. Also I need to know what Charlene said to Eve. If it had something to do with her knowing about Eve being a sleeper agent man that’d be cool.

Stone has a confused scowl when he’s sad...and confused...sometimes it’s hard to tell what he’s feeling because of that.

“And the Wrath of Chaos”

Watching this back again I can see now Eve was planning. She wanted the Librarians free because she knew they’d be able to take care of things.

“They can’t know we’re talking” “I’ve been meeting with DOSA” well so much for that Eve.

Why is Ezekiel so bummed about not getting to see Mount Rushmore??

I know Flynn’s in on this...but he did good acting this time...probably feeding off everyone’s hurt and disappointment. Also that utter look of disappointment on Jenkins’s face as he got stoned...poor boy.

Flynn’s not sad about Eve...he’s said he had to lie to his family...and he’s feeling it hard on top that bookcase.

Ezekiel got really frustrated with the dosa trap on Jenkins’s box thing...a level of frustration we last saw in “And the Point of Salvation” when he angrily beats stuff with the crowbar.

Honestly kind of surprised Jenkins didn’t know the fail safe...seems like something he’d need to know after the first time Charlene had to do it.

Gotta love that Flynn saved his painting...which isn’t magical that I know of.

Charlene said she had the scoop on the other side of the mirror...so she must know Flynn’s not gonna die.

Apep is surprisingly gullible, following artifact crumb trail.

I wonder if Stone had communicated about the magic he got from Shangri-La, if they would’ve connected stuff earlier...because Stone initiates making Apep human by revealing his tattoo when he puts thing together in his head.

So did the ley lines completely go away? I mean it was different than when they just faded back after Prospero.

Finally Jenkins moved stuff to more easier to get places...only took how many invasions of the Library? Also they say they quit using magic...but I mean it comes with the job...sometimes magic is the only solution...so I don’t expect they will be to stringent on that.

Final thing...Flynn has a bubble pipe...of course he has a bubble pipe.

Well, that’s it for now. I can’t wait for season 4 this fall...it’s gonna be super interesting for sure with all the pics and stuff we’ve seen of set so far. As always, feel free to message me about anything I’ve said and related Librarians rambles.

[vernon-luv]

Criminal Pt. 3

admin k: idk, it doesn’t feel like a lot happened in this part but stuff still happened?? lol what am I even saying? this is how you know I post at night bc my words never make sense. anyway, enjoy reading~

word count: 1,859

pairing: reader x vernon (criminal)

genre: au, fluff

He left you wondering if what just happened was a dream or not. You sat there on your bed, still trying to figure out who this guy was and if he was even real. Everything was so surreal, unreal to you. Never has anything like this ever has happened in your life and now, it’s all just strange.

He left so quickly and it made you wait and want him to come back faster. Why was it that you were so attached to him? You barely knew the guy yet you were there anticipating for his presence.

In your mind, you knew you shouldn’t be hanging out with someone like him. How could you trust him? Yet, through everything, your want to be with him overpowers reality.

There was something about him that drew you to want more of him. Days of past and Vernon hasn’t once shown up to your dorm since that night. Everywhere you were, everywhere you’d go, you looked thorough the crowd of people in hopes that he’d appear out of the blue.

You thought you were crazy for holding onto seeing some ‘criminal’ and always shook off the thought of seeing him again.

Was he a criminal? He told you he wasn’t but could you believe his words?

No matter how hard you tried to forget his name, his face, his..being, it was too difficult. The more days past, the more often you thought about him til it got unhealthy and to the point that you could not focus on anything or anyone else but him. Why were you going crazy over this person??

It bothered you greatly to the point that you decided to do more research on his past to see for yourself what type of person he truly was. Going on your laptop, you should’ve been studying your notes but instead, you typed in the search bar for Vernon Hansol Chwe and immediately, several news articles popped up.

You clicked on the first one and read each of them, one after another. All had a similar story line and information about his prisoning.

A few things did link to what Vernon had told you that night. Maybe what he said was true?

All this drew you in so much that you had forgotten your surroundings. What snapped you back into reality was the ringing of your phone that cut the silence.

You yelped and jumped a bit in your seat from the sudden noise that shocked you. You breathed out, seeing that it was only Mingyu calling.

You sighed as you picked up your phone, answering the call and putting your phone up against your ear. “Hello?”

“Hey” He said quite sly. “What you up to little princess?” He chirped. You smiled but was somewhat embarrassed of the nick name he calls you at times. MIngyu and you are strictly friends but there are times where the two of you joke around.

“I’m busy studying. Why?” You question in calm tone, curious as to why he was calling. “I wanted to see if you’d want to take a walk around campus or a nearby park. I don’t really know, I’m just bored and want some fresh air.” You laughed and you could practically hear him smile on the other end.

“Um…well…”

You were still so into reading about Vernon and you weren’t sure if you were up for a walk, especially at midnight.

And just like that, on cue, Vernon comes knocking on your window, making you jump again at the loud noise. You were very sensitive to noises around you today, especially being in daze and all.

You hitched and Mingyu heard. “Something wrong?” He asked out of concern. Vernon was waving for you to come quicker but you took your time to slowly get up and walk to open your window.

“Oh nothing, nothing. I just…” You started to make an excuse as Vernon let himself into your dorm room. “Saw a bug in my room. I’m sorry Mingyu but I’m not up for walking around right now, try your best to go to sleep, it late. I’ll see you tomorrow. I have to kill this bug before it runs off. Bye.” You quickly said and hung up on Mingyu.

Vernon huffed. “So now I’m a bug to you?” He teased but you didn’t say anything back. All you did was stare at him, now that he was here, you had no words to say to him. It was as if everything you wanted to say to him just flew out the window.

He makes himself comfortable, acting like this is his dorm when it really is yours. Vernon sat on your bed and checked your laptop. You went quickly to stop him and try to close it but he stops you, giving you a strange look, furrowing his eyebrows at you as he looks up. “Stop.”

“Let me see.” He argues and he forces it open. You don’t bother to fight back since you were scared you’d break your laptop.

You sighed as you waited for his reaction. Finally when he does he seems to be angered. “Do you not believe me and what I said to you?? What is all this?” Vernon looked at you in disgust.

All the comfortable and friends feelings were gone the minute he saw what you’ve search up. Now it was just a stranger yelling at another.

You backed off, scared of him and what he may do. You didn’t know him well but seeing him angry was not your favourite side of him. 
“I’m…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just-“ You began to pout and mumble, holding your arm with your other hand, securing yourself from Vernon’s harsh and loud words.

“Then why did you search up these things then?? Huh?? Is my word not good enough for you?!”  You understood he was offended and you knew you shouldn’t have done what you did but curiosity took over you at the moment.

“I trust your words.-“ 

“You obviously don’t see all this! I’m leaving if all you see of me is some criminal.” He stormed off to the door, grabbing the doorknob and twisting it forcefully with so much power as he swings it open.

“No don’t! Don’t leave! I”m sorry I didn’t mean to! Vernon you’re not a criminal! I know that!” You pretty much yelled and plead for him to stay, not even caring that your door was open for everyone in the hall to hear.

You weren’t even sure if anyone was outside, but you didn’t care. All you wanted was for him to stay because he was the only person you’ve been thinking about for the past days, week.

Vernon sighed before turning back around and closing the door behind him. He leaned against the door with his arms crossed. “Prove it.”

Your brows knot up as you look at that boy in front of you. “What?” What did he mean by that?

“Prove it to me that you trust me.” He explains. 
“How?” You still questioned him. You wanted to show him you trusted him.

“Let’s do a trust fall test.” You laughed “Are you a child or something?”

He tilted his head slightly. “Fine, if you don’t want to do that. I might as well walk out this door just so everyone in this building knows that you have a relationship with a criminal~” He stresses the last word.

“I don’t mind doing it, it’s just weird.” You said, agreeing to do it. as he smirks.

He makes a circular motion with his finger, indicating that you should turn around. You huffed, not seeing how this proves your trust to him but still doing it anyway.

“Do you trust me?” 
“Sadly yes.”

“Fall back.” He told you. “You better catch me! I swear, if you drop me I’m going to kill you!”

“Watch your words. Kill is a strong word you know.” Right…were with a so called ‘criminal’.

You fell back, half scared but half not. The few seconds you were falling was a bit scary but the second you felt Vernon’s strong arms catch you and hold you up, made you feel secure and you felt hat you could breathe again.

“See? I’m a trustworthy guy.” He said as he lets you go sooner than you wanted. You had stood back on your own feet once again and was facing him.

“What are you doing here?” You questions finally started to come back to you as you look at him.

He had a smile as he fixed a few strand son your hair that were covering your face. HIs smile fades a little as you ask the question.

“Aren’t you happy I’m here?” You didn’t answer his question since he didn’t answer yours. Though you didn’t say an answer to him, you still answered his question in your mind. Yes, you were happy that he was here. Truly happy, you weren’t sure why you was overwhelmingly joyful to see his face again…but you were.

He leaned in closer, raising his eyebrows at he tries to get a good look at your face while you were looking down and avoiding eye contact. Vernon’s smile starts to appear again when he sees the flush of pink show on your cheeks. 
“Did you miss me?” HIs voice was softer now and his words were devilish but smooth as silk.

“I thought you’d come sooner…” You mumbled your confession.

Vernon tucked your hair behind your ear, having his hand make its way to cup your cheek as well as tilt your head up to see him and look at him in his eyes.

Why is it that his eyes get brighter the more you look at them? You could stare at him and get lost in his eyes forever and you wouldn’t care.

“I would’ve came sooner but you know, I’m a criminal on the run. It’s not as easy as you think it is.” As he spoke, your focus and eyes went to his lips. You were so fascinate day his features that you didn’t even listen to half of what he had just said.

You found yourself getting closer and almost leaning into him. You caught yourself and stopped before anything happened.

Snapping yourself out of daze, you tried processing his last words so you could say something back and break the silence between the two of you. You licked your lips from the dryness.

“Uhh..yeah, I forgot.” He chuckled seeing your flustered state. He takes his hand away and stands at a more comfortable distance.

“How are you dealing with everything?” You asked.

Vernon sighed, a deep breath before answering. “Actually kind of horribly…I need your help.” Vernon confesses.

You blinked at him surprised and wondering if what he had said was what you heard. “What? With what?”

“Solving my case. Taking this back to court. People need to know the truth and that I’m not a criminal. Y/N, I need justice. The only person who can help me is you so please, help me.”

[jennycalendar]

missing (6/6)

“do you know why we might be connected in this way?”

“maybe it’s one of those yearning-for-each-other-across-time-and-space things,” said jenny. “very doctor who.”

this chapter: jenny makes her choice.

It felt surreal and strange to be back. Almost dreamlike. This Buffy didn’t have the same hard, angry edges as the Buffy Jenny knew, and she smiled a little sadly when Jenny came into the library. “You guys getting started with trying to fix the portal?” she asked.

“We’re—spending the day together,” said Rupert, hand resting on Jenny’s shoulder. “We’ll resume researching tonight.”

Buffy hesitated, then said, “Ms. Calendar, if this doesn’t work out, I hope you know that there’s always a place for you here. With us.”

Jenny thought about all the times she’d taken the easy way out. Kept her mouth shut about Angelus. Waited for everything to fix itself. Staying here, acting like there was no way to fix what had happened, letting herself be happy no matter what the eventual cost would be for the people she loved—that never ended well. Not for anyone. “I know,” she said. “But there’s a place that needs me, and I need to be there if they’ll have me.”

There was a new kind of respect in Buffy’s eyes. “Wow,” she said finally.

“I think she kind of expected you to give in and stay after you finally slept with Giles,” Xander added helpfully from the table.

“Xander!” said Buffy reprovingly.

“So you’re telling me that it was all platonic cuddling last night between Giles and Ms. Calendar?” said Xander knowingly.

“Please don’t,” said Rupert in a resigned sort of way.

Jenny laughed, but it hurt a little. She’d missed things like this. “So,” she said, resting her head briefly on Rupert’s shoulder, “what’s the plan for today?”

“I’ll mostly be around the library,” said Rupert, but his voice was very subtly flirtatious. “Standard procedure, I expect.”

“Are you...expecting any students?” Jenny asked casually.

“I have class,” said Buffy in a high voice. “You guys—have fun with your—whatever it is that you’re doing. Just please don’t tell me what it is.” She grabbed Xander’s arm, pulling him with her.

Jenny turned to Rupert, and he kissed her. She wanted to make some kind of joke about the fact that this was all they’d been doing since she returned, but she was too busy kissing him back, so she decided to file that concept away for later.

Rupert was the one to pull back. “There are so many things I want to tell you,” he said softly. “I—missed you so much.”

Jenny smiled a little sadly. Every piece of her wanted to stay with him. “So tell me,” she said, taking his hand and pulling him gently to the library table.

Rupert followed, sitting down in one of the chairs. Jenny pulled herself up onto the table, sitting in front of him with his hands in hers. “Well,” he said. “I managed to avoid having to direct the talent show this year.”

“Really,” said Jenny, and kissed him, just because she could.

It wasn’t a very eventful day, nor was it a long one. Rupert had to stay on campus because he was still technically on the clock, but they spent a lot of time kissing and touching and talking. He gave her a bunch of his old journals and things that he said the Council would probably have taken away in her universe, and a few books from his personal collection that he thought might be of use to her, and then Jenny finally got to print out all the articles she’d found over the last year that had made her think of him.

“Very funny,” said Rupert dryly, placing Man Nearly Killed By Book, Saved By His Own Computer down on his desk.

“It is,” said Jenny, grinning. “Science always triumphs.”

Rupert grinned back. “You’re quite dreadful,” he informed her. “I believe I forgot about that.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Jenny replied cheerfully. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Rupert’s smile faded. “That it does,” he agreed.

Jenny was suddenly reminded of the fact that, if all went according to plan, she would never get to see Rupert again. “I’ll try and hang onto the bad things about you too,” she said, reaching up to stroke his cheek. “Not a romanticized version of you in my head.”

Rupert hesitated. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said finally. “I don’t know what part of your death or your life I can hold onto as bad.”

Jenny laughed out loud. When Rupert’s expression didn’t waver, she stopped. “Wait, you’re serious?” she said.

“Is that funny?” Rupert frowned, looking somewhat confused. As though it was clear as day that Jenny had never once been at fault.

Jenny sighed. “Rupert,” she said. “I stayed late at night at school. I told a stranger about what I was doing. I wasn’t nearly as careful as I should have been.”

“Still—”

“Still, I knew the risks and I took them, disregarding what could and would have happened because I thought Angel’s redemption was worth more than my life.” Jenny bit her lip, letting her hand drop to Rupert’s shoulder. “If nothing else,” she said, “I know that I don’t want you to romanticize the way your Jenny died.”

“Jenny—”

“I’m not a martyr,” said Jenny. “Neither was she. Her death wasn’t an accident, Rupert. She always knew what she was getting into.”

Rupert hesitated. “What do you want me to think of her?” he said finally, quietly.

Jenny smiled slightly. “Whatever you want,” she said. “As long as you don’t think she didn’t do anything wrong.”

Rupert studied her face, then kissed her softly. “That seems reasonable enough,” he murmured.

“Good,” Jenny whispered, kissing him back.

“Giles!” called Buffy’s voice from the library, and Jenny heard the clattering of footsteps. “Is he here? It’s time to start doing the whole research thing!”

Rupert looked at Jenny, his expression pained, and hugged her very tightly. “I don’t want you to go,” he whispered, voice shaking as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Jenny had never once heard him sound like that.

“Giles?” Buffy called again.

“I don’t want to leave you,” Jenny said very softly. It was the first time she’d said it aloud. “I don’t want you to be dead.”

Rupert pulled back and kissed her. “I promise I’ll be safe here,” he told her.

“I want you to be safe with me,” said Jenny vehemently. She might have been crying.

She wanted Rupert to steer her wrong in that moment. Both of them knew that if he told her then that it wasn’t too wrong to stay, that the children wouldn’t miss her too much, that she should stay in a place where she could love and be loved and be happy, she would give in and stay.

But Rupert had never been that kind of person.

“I know,” he said, hugging her. “I know.”

Jenny uttered a small, broken sob into his shoulder. He was alive here, and he loved her, and she wanted to be with him. The right decision fucking sucked sometimes.

“Gi—oh. Okay.” Buffy backed out of the office. “I think they need a minute,” Jenny heard her say to Willow and Xander.

“No,” said Jenny, and sniffled, looking up at Rupert. “Let’s get started.”

Jenny sat down in front of the mirror.

“This feels like one of those spy movies,” Xander was saying to Buffy. “You know? Cut the right wire or everything goes to pieces.”

There were seven sigils on the left side, and eight on the right. Jenny was fairly certain that she’d seen Buffy rub out one on the right side of her mirror, so she could always just rub out the lowest one there—

—or maybe Buffy had thought this one through. Buffy seemed to want Jenny to stay out of her universe, anyway, so maybe she’d picked a sigil that Jenny hadn’t even thought of. Maybe she’d picked one of the middle ones on the right side. Maybe she’d picked one on the left side and was banking on Jenny being as muddled as she felt right now. Maybe—

“Maybe you should take a breath,” said Rupert very gently, taking Jenny’s hand (which she appeared to have curled into a fist) and unclenching her fingers.

“This is serious business,” said Jenny.

“I know,” Rupert agreed. “I’m not disputing that. But your stress won’t change the outcome.”

Oh, god, Jenny was going to miss him so much if she ended up leaving. “Yeah,” she agreed somewhat reluctantly, squeezing his hand. “You—you’re probably right.”

Rupert raised their joined hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. Jenny wanted to start crying again.

“Okay,” said Buffy, who looked the same kind of sad that Jenny felt. “Um—maybe I can help? If it’s other-me that erased the sigil on the other mirror, maybe this me can erase the sigil on this mirror.”

Jenny hesitated. It seemed a little dicey.

“I feel as though it’s the closest we can get to definite,” said Rupert hesitantly, “given that the Buffy from Jenny’s world isn’t here, and the Buffy from our world is.”

“I…guess so,” Jenny agreed finally, scooting her chair over so that Buffy could see the mirror.

Buffy stepped closer, examining the mirror. She looked at the sigils, cocking her head, and then rubbed out one with her thumb.

The mirror sparked and fizzled.

“Is that good?” said Buffy anxiously. “That’s good, right?”

“Um,” said Jenny weakly. “I’m not sure?”

The surface of the mirror glowed golden, and then Jenny saw a different Sunnydale library reflected back at her. Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia were all talking in low, sad voices; Willow looked like she had been crying.

“Do you see them?” Rupert inquired, glancing over her shoulder.

“Yeah, I—” Jenny hesitated. “Look, can I have some privacy?” she said finally to the room. “This might take a while.”

There was a murmur of assent from the children, all of them heading out of the library. Rupert hesitated, then nodded as well. “If—you’re gone—”

“Then this can be our goodbye,” said Jenny with conviction. Rupert nodded crisply, but she could see that he was holding back tears. “Kiss me?” she requested, trying to keep her voice steady.

Rupert obliged, threading his fingers through her hair and pulling back only to kiss her forehead. “I love you,” he whispered. “So much.”

“I love you too,” said Jenny. So much for the whole steady-voice thing.

She wanted to grab him and pull him back the moment he stepped away, but she couldn’t, so she didn’t, turning instead back to the mirror. The girls hadn’t noticed her yet.

“Hey,” said Jenny loudly.

Willow jumped. “Ms. Calendar?” she said tearfully.

Buffy’s face was unreadable.

“Can I talk to Buffy for a second?” Jenny asked, heart pounding in her chest. She didn’t know what she wanted the outcome of this conversation to be, and that was somehow the scariest part of all this.

Willow sniffled, then nodded. “Can you talk to me next?” she asked timidly. “I—have some stuff I want to say.”

“Of course,” Jenny agreed, and waited until Willow and Cordelia had left the mirror-library before locking eyes with Buffy.

“What do you want?” Buffy inquired somewhat thinly.

Jenny hesitated. “You were open with me before,” she said finally. “What’s changed?”

“Look,” said Buffy, her voice almost too even, “if this is about me breaking the connection, you and Giles made that connection, however accidentally, because you wanted to be with each other. It wouldn’t be right for me to tie you to a world that doesn’t have the guy you love.”

“Buffy, you know that’s not how that works,” said Jenny.

Buffy pressed her lips together. Her eyes were wet.

“There is no way I could live with myself here if I knew I’d left someone who needed me,” said Jenny. “And there’s no way I could live with myself if I decided to stay here based on someone lying about not needing me. Believe me, Buffy, I know what lying looks like.”

Buffy didn’t say anything.

“Please,” said Jenny. She didn’t touch the mirror, not yet sure what it would do. “Please be honest with me.”

“Ms. Calendar,” said Buffy in a small voice, “the last time I saw Giles really smile before he died was when he was smiling at you.”

Jenny opened her mouth, then shut it. She didn’t know what she could possibly say in response to that.

“And—I saw the way you were smiling at him through the mirror,” said Buffy. “I saw how you started smiling after you heard him on the phone. You—I never bothered to think about how hurt you must have been when he died. Not once.”

“That’s okay,” said Jenny firmly. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Buffy shook her head emphatically. “I was—”

“You were grieving,” said Jenny. It felt strange, saying these gentle words when a part of her still felt an angry, unjustified resentment for all those weeks of loneliness and apathy—not at Buffy, not directly, but at the situation as a whole. Maybe that part would never really go away. Maybe the trick was learning to move through it. “You lost your boyfriend and your Watcher in the span of a few weeks, and at seventeen. You don’t have to carry my emotional responsibility on your shoulders.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” said Buffy fiercely. “Ms. Calendar, you of all people deserve a chance to be happy. If your love and loneliness can rip apart dimensions, you shouldn’t have to stay in a place that makes you that upset.” Jenny considered her answer very carefully. Finally, she said, “My loneliness wasn’t because you and the kids weren’t enough for me. I never want you to think that.”

Buffy uttered a small, shaky breath. Jenny wasn’t sure if she was going to say anything in return, but then Buffy replied with visible effort, “Then why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you feel so alone?”

It was a pretty personal question, but Jenny had asked for honesty from Buffy, and it would be hypocritical if she wasn’t truthful in return. She breathed out, then said softly, “Because I felt like I couldn’t do anything to help you.”

Buffy looked stunned by this. “I didn’t know—” she began.

Jenny smiled tiredly. “It’s fine,” she said.

“I didn’t know you cared about me,” said Buffy finally. “I always thought—after Giles died, you just pulled back so completely. It was like we weren’t even there.”

Abashed, Jenny looked down. “I’m sorry,” she said, surprised by the words. She hadn’t realized that her disconnected nature after Rupert’s death would affect Buffy that much. “I thought—I’d done enough damage as it was, you know? I didn’t want to make things worse.”

“Well, you did,” said Buffy, an angry sadness in her voice. “I want to get to know you, you know? Giles always used to talk about you and how you always made ketchup smiley faces on your burgers and how there was this one time that you almost set the teachers’ lounge on fire. And you just—I wanted someone to be there, after Giles—you were never there. And you loved him just as much as I did, and you were never there.”

“If I’d known—”

“You never even tried to know.”

“I was hurting too.”

“So now you can go off and forget it ever happened.” Buffy was half-crying. “I thought maybe things had changed when you started looking at us instead of through us, but that’s the way it always works for you, isn’t it?”

Jenny made her decision right then and there. She thought of Rupert one last time, storing the one day she’d had in a wonderful corner of her heart. And then she touched the mirror.

A flash, and a burning sensation, and Jenny toppled over on the floor again, except this time she couldn’t stop crying.

“Oh my god,” Buffy whispered. “Oh god, Ms. Calendar, no.”

She���d wanted to stay so badly—

“—you were supposed to be happy—”

—so badly, and she’d never see him again—

“—why would you leave for me?” Buffy demanded, half-sobbing, grabbing Jenny’s shoulders. “You were going to be happy!”

Jenny pulled Buffy into her arms and hugged her, hard. Buffy started crying, really crying, and hugged her back.

It was many hours later before Jenny finally had the chance to answer Buffy’s question. “It’s not—” She hesitated, thinking. “It wouldn’t be right,” she said finally. “I couldn’t have just up and left you like that.”

“Maybe I don’t need you,” said Buffy. “What happens if it turns out the person you are isn’t someone I like?” But there was a note in her voice that made it very clear that this wasn’t a real question—more a test to see what Jenny would answer.

Jenny tucked a strand of Buffy’s hair behind her ear. “Then I try and become someone who can help you,” she said. “Rupert loved you for a reason.”

A ghost of that old brilliant smile flickered across Buffy’s face. “He loved me?”

“More than anything,” Jenny promised her.

Buffy smiled again. Nodded to herself. “Well,” she said. “Giles always seemed like the type who’d want the people he loved to get along, so—”

“Yeah,” said Jenny, and tucked her arm into Buffy’s. “I have a bunch of stories I think I want to tell you about him.”

“Embarrassing ones?”

“Oh, definitely,” said Jenny, and in a strange way, this felt a little like old times.

According to a spell on the mirror Jenny did a few weeks later, there were only a few loose threads left connecting her world to Rupert’s. She had a feeling that they would linger for a while, but she didn’t think she needed to worry about them all that much. Buffy was thinking of joining the cheer squad, and Jenny needed to figure out how to help her practice.

She never really got a goodbye phone call from Rupert, but that was okay. She had a feeling that he was probably figuring things out.

[turningincircles]

Dois de Julho

Life is a funny thing, one minute you’re working a job you hate that’s going nowhere; and one work later you’re in Brazil, paid for by a game of poker and about to start a first of its kind in the world, job.

For like a good month to six weeks whilst this got started I could hardly figure out wtf was going on. It was so surreal.

How did I go from looking at five years in prison not even five years ago, to working as a day trader in an emerging asset class in the heart of London?

Boy is it a challenge. I’ll moan about it but I’ll be the first to admit this is exactly what I wanted, a challenge. Although that hasn’t made the adjustment period any easier. It’s an absolute rollercoaster, but also like a boxing match at the same time.

Every morning I step into the ring and size my opponent, duck and weave from their punches whilst trying to throw back harder ones.

I’ve gone home with black eyes, many a time; but right now I’m holding the belt. Having been there the shortest amount of time of anyone, and well in the lead.

It’s not hard to out box these people when you’ve already fought tooth and nail just to be considered for an interview.

Yet with all this going on, the sleepless nights from stress, struggling to stay calm and level headed, feeling like a champion and a loser multiple times a week...

I can’t help but think this is exactly where I am meant to be.

In uni I wanted to do my dissertation on the black market and was introduced to a lecturer in a different school to do this.

I didn’t end up doing it but became friends with the lecturer. The guy they purposely sat me next to at work is from the same country as him, Greece, and has even worked with him before. This same guy used to be a police officer too.

When I was in Brazil we stayed in this neighbourhood called dois de julho. It translates to the second of July. At the time I wondered if that had any significance but quickly put it out of my mind due to superstition.

Until we were all given this ribbon bracelet things for free by this man on the beach, all different colours, picked by the man. The exact same three colours in the logo of the hotel. I couldn’t help but think that that said to me, this is exactly where we are supposed to be, in this neighbourhood, in this hotel, the three of us.

Eventually I forgot about that date cause I was too busy trying keep my boxing gloves on whilst this roller coaster did a loop the loop. That was, until the second of July 2019. Today I reached my next target at work, I took a few face shots on the way there, but nothing major. To top this off, my girlfriend said something to me that day that really made me feel the love we had and how it is growing stronger too.

After work that day I had a CBT telephone appointment which I took outside.

Round the corner from my office is what’s called broadgate circle. A big pit opened up in the ground, surrounded by tall buildings and bars with steps down to it and balconies around the rim.

It was there I sat and was assessed by the therapist and subsequently discharged because of the progress I was making.

The phone hung up, and there I was, stood in the centre of this pit, this ring. Having taken the lead against everyone at work, totally secure in my relationship and discharged from a mental health service.

There I was stood, a winner.

But this fight is far from over, there are still many rounds to go. I just know now I have the tools in my arsenal and the experience under my belt to knock this out of the park. I just need to keep my gloves on, hold on for dear life, and enjoy the journey along the way.

[unknowname]

my sister's WIN gave me more confidence in myself as well ♥

I have so many thoughts, so many things I wanna share with everyone but no idea where to start. Well, here goes. To my sister who never had the opportunity to hone the talents she possess and in spite of her endless self-denial of even having them, winning the crown tonight would sound surreal. However, the amount of stress, blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice, and all the effort evidently show that this ain't an overnight effort. As her sister, I can say she's always been the hardworking type. I know how many people would normally describe that about others but my sister really is one of the epitomes of a hardworking individual. No one can argue with me on this. During the practices I helped her with, I saw how she could actually dance and sing well and she'd be able to show better only if she had better exposure and chance even from before. In the first place, she was only forced to join and was promised to be helped by her fellow business major students. She had no choice and probably felt like backing out multiple times deep inside, she didn't feel confident, and she would always tell me that moments like this are the hardest. She feels the worst, lacking so much especially being the shy and unpretty and untalented person she says she is compared to the other contestants. But, of course, since it's me I always believe she's the best. :') ♥ Especially having gone through a difficult time at home when it wasn’t always the home she expects to feel better, would sometimes make everything even worse.

(Sidetrack a little, I have this huge weakness of not knowing what to do/say anymore in the middle of something D:)

Anyway, the both of us have so much belief in each other's 'capabilities' which we would both only think as nonexistent hehe AHH but seriously all her clothes for formal attire, sportswear, etc. were all borrowed. Even her gown was only borrowed only yesterday and being a hardworking student she really does everything she can in academics that it was like struggling to juggle a huge elephant with both hands. AND really I feel bad and so guilty. Compared to a couple hours of sleep deprivation, one or two missed meals, what I did for her was only equivalent to not taking a nap on a day of complete 8-hour sleep, since the very next day after I finished taking my meds for 6 mos. I only had 3 hrs of sleep to help her. At around 1am that day I felt so confused and reluctant to help her with one dance part of their talent portion with her partner, thinking more of my inability to dance instead of just helping more. :( The next day I only had an hour of sleep and stole 4 hrs during the day for a nap, and last night I miraculously had about 6 hrs since she forgot to set an alarm. Skipping to today's series of events, I hopped into a Punta Pier jeep gleefully only to know that Mendiola is closed due to rally XD and during the competition itself, I had this inexplicable, unfathomable experience similar with what happened during WIN's last competition, the announcement day...what do you call it again? That! XD During the Rosary Rally at school I just started crying out of the blue and I'm thankful that almost all the lights were out at that time haha and as I was praying I just knew and believed that whatever happens will be as what God wills it to be. Probably because every single night during our novena, every chance I got to pray, I would think of Team A winning. And today is the second time that happened. During the first pair of contestants' performance, I already knew that my sister's gonna win.  Like how I always believed in. My mouth just started quivering and my eyes were glistening. So weird but that already seemed like a huge sign. Of course, my sister did fabulous from the get-go all through the end. Especially during the Q&A portion she had the entire audience go 'aww' and me crying HAHAHA The question she got was, "If you only had 24 hours left to live, what would you do?" And she said something like among these lines, "If I only had 24 hours left to live, I would spend it with my family *she breaks into a sob* (seriously XD and tries to compose herself) because I would want to my last memory to be of my family before I die." All is well ♥

I felt like making this long tweet/post because I'm awesomely proud of my sister and how it seems as if she achieved an international award tonight. She just earned an even greater respect and amazement from me (shes always been one of my idols hehe). She always looks at the bigger picture in everything she does. She offers every single thing she does for (the love of) God most of all, to our family, her friends, all our loved ones -- even the dead. And everything she does it is filled with love. How can that kind of person not win? After taking home the crown tonight, she will be the representative during college week's pageant on January and that's another round of hardships hahahaha but for now let's celebrate events like this which doesn't seem to be of much importance to many but not to us. Actually, even whether she won or not, she'll always be the winner for us ♥ and I know this experience would only greatly help her in the future. Lastly, I wanna thank everyone who supported my sister, helped out with the hearts, offered prayers, and everything else, this win is also for you all! We’re all winners in our own little ways ^^

And to think it's our mother's birthday todaaaay~ what a great day :') (also skipped out on the errands she made me do as well hahaha)

Thank You, God, Mama Mary & all the saints! ♥♥♥