#it was just weird. and now he has my facebook and im probably gonna be seeig him a lot bc his dance studio is right next 2 my favorite spot

[altschmerzes]

if anyone has cats they would like to send me pics of i would appreciate that a lot i am having a very very fucking weird one right now and don’t really know what to do with myself.

the short version is: my dad died today. the long version is..... probably an absolutely ridiculous overshare but. like i said. don’t know what to do with myself so i’m just. idk im talking out loud i guess, putting this Somewhere. it’s. heavy, sorry.

so the post i made recently celebrating seven years going no-contact with my abusive father who kind of ruined my life in a lot of really serious ways i am likely never really going to completely recover from? yeah. he had a stroke earlier this year that sounded like it was pretty serious and that was a lot to process and then i just got the call from my mom that he had a heart attack while fishing with a friend this afternoon and died. apparently it was fast, which is good. he was fifty-five and i guess he’d just hit two years sober.

my mom sounded really upset on the phone, and i guess she’d only found out less than ten minutes before she called me, she just told my sister, who lives with her, and my sister went off to take a shower (read: have a breakdown in the shower), and then called me immediately and said “your dad died” as soon as i answered with a hey, what’s up. they’d been divorced for twenty years and he was a fucking bastard but i guess your ex-husband and your kids’ dad who you’ve recently been reconnecting with and spending time with again dies and you’re probably gonna have some strong feelings about it. my sister is in pieces, they’d reconnected and were spending a lot more time together. in their text they said ‘i barely got any time with him and i’m fucking heartbroken’.

and because he has no other living relatives my 23 year old sister who is uh, in a fragile state on the best of days, is gonna have to deal with all of the paperwork and shit that happens when someone dies. and my sister and i’s relationship is like.... it’s complicated, to put it politely, they are very hard for me to be around for a lot of reasons, but i wouldn’t wish that on them and i wish i was able to take on that stuff if only because i’m almost through law school and i’m the least emotionally invested in the man and it just would be easier for everyone if i did the paperwork and whatever.

and then there’s my brother, because i have a brother, who i barely talk about because it hurts to think about him. he’s nine years older than me and he’s my half-brother by my dad and after my dad went to prison on drug charges i didn’t see him for thirteen years. and then a long time after a brief visit too. he’s got two kids now, and for a while there we were in sporadic contact, but i haven’t seen or heard from him since i was maybe nineteen. and my mom was just kind of rambling on the phone about how she had to find my brother’s mother’s contact information because someone had to tell him and because i’m all the way out here and i can’t DO anything else i told her i’d find her and tell her what happened and get everyone’s contact information for whatever’s coming next so. now i’ve texted my brother, who is a living wound in my life, for the first time in like six years. he hasn’t answered yet and according to his mother he’s ‘devastated.’ so.

i’m not. i’m not devastated. i don’t know what i feel honestly. once i tracked her down on facebook and dealt with all of that i just sort of sat at the kitchen table and stared at the wall for a long time. listened to the mountain goats song ‘pale green things’ and drifted in a weird numb void. i’m not.... sad. not about him anyway. i don’t know what i am. i have a very difficult time articulating my feelings on a good day, fuck i mean i have a hard time identifying my feelings on a good day. some combination of autism and cptsd and the sense that if i have feelings someone is going to die, maybe me, maybe someone else. if i have feelings, i get someone killed, is the thought process, which is a long story but. is extremely hard to work around, especially when i don’t see the point because taking active steps to make my feelings known and make them something someone else has to deal with is like. what’s the point. why do that.

so i don’t know what i feel. i feel strange and distant and not-sad and kind of angry at my sister and brother for some fucking reason and guilty and resentful and relieved. there’s some relief in there i think, because it’s like. i don’t know. i had the thought earlier, ‘oh thank gd’ which is. it sounds heinous but i now i’ll never have to choose between attending my sister’s wedding and not having to see him there, if i go back to my hometown and feel like there’s a monster stalking me from the shadows i can just tell myself the fucking monster’s fucking dead and he can’t ever hurt me again. nobody in my family is ever going to be able to pressure me to just talk to him already, just move on and let it go. reconcile, forgive, get past it.

(i don’t know how much any of them know. i have never discussed this with my parents or my sister and i never plan to. we’ve talked about some things in vague euphemisms and talked around it even more. when he got out of prison and then when he was done stalking us which he did for a while and got some help i guess and was doing a bit better my sister wanted to reconnect with him and i didn’t. i had panic attacks, i was terrified, i didn’t want anything to do with him and i didn’t want my sister anywhere near him and i remember all my mom had to say to me about that was ‘if it makes you feel any better, i could take him.’ i don’t know what to... i just don’t know.)

i dunno. i don’t know. when i visited my hometown and stayed at my parents’ house (my grandmother’s house, when i say ‘parents’ i mean her and my mom generally) i slept with a knife on my bedside table and a plan of how to get out the window because i’d heard that he’d started dropping by sometimes and i was too scared to sleep otherwise. he terrorized me. i have very few memories from before he went to prison and most of them are of being terrified for my life. of being chased through the house, staying above the garage because for some reason we couldn’t be in the house that night. sexual abuse that i can still barely handle thinking about. he haunts my nightmares regularly, even though i haven’t seen or spoken to him in seven years, didn’t see or talk to him very often before that. i have panic attacks in my sleep dreaming about him, enough that i have to be medicated for it.

he’s a person who was deeply troubled and sick and suffered unimaginably in his life and it’s just.... i know all of that and i just. i don’t know. i hope he’s at peace i guess. i know he never was when he was alive. i know i’m not at peace most of the time, largely because of the shit he did to me. i don’t know. i don’t know. my dad’s dead.

[pepprs]

i feel so bad making this post but i haven’t stopped thinking abt it since it happened and i need 2 talk 2 someone other than my family abt it bc they keep yelling @ me abt how i reacted lmao (long tag ramble as Usual sorry abt that feel free 2 ignore!)

[transgenderer]

@kata4a tagged me

What was your:

Last beverage: coffee this morning, unless water counts. im gonna have some cranberry juice with lemon soon. so good Last phone call: i dont have phonecalls often! probably IT at my job. maybe a tinder dude like a week ago Last text message: tinder dude ive been talking with, he seems cool so far Last song you listened to: golden jackal song! what a great song. Last time you cried: like a week ago i cried right after work in the bathroom. not sure why

Have you ever:

Dated someone twice: my first boyfriend! we broke up and then briefly got back together a couple months later. god. that relationship was bad in such a boring way, i was just desperate but wasnt particularly into him Kissed someone and regretted it: not really? i mean. ive had bad kisses. but its never caused like Consequences Lost someone special: like, they died? nah. i alienated my long distance best friend when i was in like 9th grade and havent talked to her since. bummer Been depressed: lol Been drunk and threw up: ive never thrown up AFTER getting drunk but for some reason last year i vomited on the WAY to the wine garden. i think i overexerted myself or something?

List 3 favorite colors: hmm green, orangey-pink, like teal/turquoise

Last year, have you:

Made a new friend: hmm. sort of? ive gotten much closer with people i hadnt been close to before. idk if ive like properly befriended any totally new people? idk. its ambiguous Fallen out of love: i mean, sort of aidan? i was never really in love with him :/ Laughed until you cried: i think so? idk if i do this Found out who your true friends are: is this code for "been betrayed"? weird. i havent been betrayed Found out someone was talking about you: my friends talk abt me sometimes i love it :) i love it when people talk abt me. i love it when ppl on here mention talking about me irl. Anyone on your fb friends list? facebook more like fakebook

General:

How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life?: (facebook fakebook)

Firsts:

First surgery: when i was a baby i had my thumb stuck at a right angle! they had to like. cut a tendon First piercing: i dont have any piercings! First best friend: girl from preschool who lied all the time. so weird and bad First sport you joined: i did t ball when i was real little First vacation: my parents took me to hawaii when i was reallly little i think

Right now:

Eating: pbj for dinner :/ Drinking: just water I’m about to: post, I guess (i second kat)

Your future:

Want kids: hard no Get married: hopefully! Career: hopefully math PHD and then yknow. do something with that. probably not in academia

Which is better:

Lips or eyes: hmm, lips probably, i dont usually look at eyes lol. i feel like face is about the hole tho... Hugs or kisses: probably hugs? kisses are nice too but theres something so safe... Shorter or taller: taller :/ kind of a woman moment Older or younger: older, double woman moment. gender Romantic or spontaneous: this is a weird dichotomy. spontaneous i guess? Nice stomach or nice arms: arms! love arms Sensitive or loud: sensitive Hook-up or relationship: relationship! or at least, yknow. more than once Trouble maker or hesitant: troublemaker

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: depends if you count tinder boys i barely no Drank hard liquor: yeah Lost glasses/contacts: ha i dont need glasses. fucking poindexters Sex on first date: literally dozens of times Broke someone’s heart: yeah... :/ Arrested: nope! ive been like, accessory to a felony tho (cooking DMT) Turned someone down: loads Cried when someone died: i think my great grandma? Fallen for a friend: yeah...

Do you believe in:

Yourself: i guess? idk really know what this means Miracles: ofc not Love at first sight: i mean...idk, i feel like this is weirdly undefined as a concept. like, obviously you cant KNOW someone on first sight. you can know someone after a first meeting, mabe... anyway you cant love someone you dont know Heaven: lol nah Santa Claus: no? Kiss on the first date: yes? Angels: no

[laterzgators]

How the gang would be like in modern times.

Kinda basing this off of texts I have with my friends because I get reminding everyday that my old friend group (kinda still my friend group.) are like the gang.

————

Ponyboy

He would have like an iPhone 6 in 2020. And he would be so upset about it. But he wouldn���t complain cause his brother didn’t have money for him to have an iPhone 11 or something.

He uses every platform to text. He probably only texts like Johnny and sometimes Dally.

Johnny and him would FT for hours and during them be like “look what I sent you.” And then proceeded to a meme.

Still a whiny baby boy but 2020 edition

Didn’t pay attention to politics cause he isn’t voting so he has no say. :/

Would probably watch anime- but like mainstream.

Has two instagram accounts one for public people he knew and a secret one to post what he wanted cause Darry probably looked into his phone-

Tries to show Darry how to use a smartphone. Darry won’t understand it. But he tried.

Track team until COVID hit 🙄

Hated virtual learning. HATED IT.

Especially when Darry didn’t have work that day he would peep into Soda and Pony’s room to see him on his desk on a call.

Pony putting his arm down shooing him away. “Darry...I’m in class please shh.” “Don’t worry bout me I’m just listening. Making sure these teachers actually are teaching ya.”

Somehow went brain dumb with this type of learning some days so when a teacher would ask him to answer something he would mute and turn off the camera or leave the call.

He was happy when he did know the answer a certain day.

• Having to text Johnny or Two bit to join a class cause the teacher was doing attendance.

—

Johnny

Texts Ponyboy and Dally pretty evenly. Though Pony would start being whiny when he didn’t answer. Johnny also probably had an older phone like an iPhone 6 or se maybe even an LG but he wouldn’t complain. He was just fine with having a phone. At least it worked.

Has a whole Instagram account about memes. Pony probably helps manage it.

Watches anime with Pony cause he finds it interesting. Does he understand what’s going on? No not at all but if Pony likes it then it’s okay.

Does really like Naruto though-

He hates school. It’s bad enough he skipped it most days. But now ITS AT HOME SO HE HAD NO EXCUSE TO NOT DO IT!

He would usually join the zoom calls but he kept his camera off and was on mute. His parents were probably arguing-

Some days he could be with Pony at his house and did his zooms from there.

Pony spamming him to join the class.

Pony: “Johnny Mr Fullb-“

Johnny: “I’m about to join just be patient pony.”

Dally sent him a nude once and he was SCARED. Dally used social media for that purpose but we will get more into that later-

He apologized a lot btw-

FT calls were fun cause he would put his phone in a certain position and do work and Pony being high on adrenaline would run around his room and you could see it on camera. It was funny.

—

Dallas

Where do I even start for this man....

TAKES FREAKING A MILLION NUDES LIKE IM NOT EVEN KIDDING ITS GROSS

Poor Johnny once got sent one on accident.

He is still traumatized

Virtual women and real women double bonus for him. He would text or dm one chick and be asking a girls number physically at the same time.

Mans gotta multitask-

Bully people on the internet.

Mainly pony for some reason. He did it playfully but Pony would get upset so quickly-

Pony.boy_curtis posted a picture. Caption: Read this poem at school and I’ve been vibing with it.

Comments: @Dal_winSton: Haha THATS dumb. (And more spam of him that includes 😀 that emoji.)

People would call him an eboy and he didn’t like that. He was just edgy in his own way.

Stole a iPhone 11 Pro so that’s how he has this phone.

GC with the whole gang existence and he was like “This is dumb we see eachother everyday.”

He was a weird teen-

—

Sodapop

My manz always texted Ponyboy when he was to lazy to speak.

Texted a lot of people cause he was that guy. But mainly Steve, Sandy (when they were still a thing.), Darry, and Pony.

His IG was filled with nice pics of him and girls just commenting about how handsome he was. He got annoyed of it at a point and turned off the comment section.

Probably had tiktok and made Pony get it.

Had a free subscription of Spotify and my boy loved his music.

Texting pony is like.: “Hey could you tell Darry that I got the eggs he needed earlier.” Pony never told him. Darry got home with a carton of eggs and started yelling that they wasted money on extra eggs. And Pony stood there after hours of finally looking at the text and would just back up.

Random girls dming asking if he was single.

It made him uncomfortable.

But Steve would grab his phone and say random things to the girls and they’d leave him alone.

He didn’t understand Pony’s memes but liked them cause they were on his page.

He or Darry probably asked later on what it meant.

“Uh-huh.” Is the response after Pony took an hour explaining it.

Still didn’t get it.

Followed every single person he knew or liked on Instagram or any platform.

“PONY CAN I USE YOUR HOTSPOT MY INTERNET ISNT WORKING!!!”

Pony just yelled back sure.

—

Darry

You thought Soda was bad nah Darry is a full on Karen-

Had probably had a flip phone until 2018

Loved Karen memes. Pony would see him liking them on fb and he’d just LAUGH.

Yelling at Pony to help him with his phone.

Pressed the wrong buttons all the time.

Probably had an LG-

DIDNT get texting 🤦‍♀️

Telling Pony not to talk to strangers on the internet.

Would have Rants on Facebook.

He pays for cable even though no one in that house used the Tv except him.

Would be so confused on the GC

“IF YOU ARE GONNA GO OUT WITH JOHNNY PUT ON YOUR MASK PONY!”

In the GC: Two Bit: Calm down Jamal dont pull out the nine.

Darry: Who is Jamal and what do you mean by pull out the nine??

Pony: PFT- CHILE I-

Darry: WAIT I SEARCHED IT UP IN THE GOOGLE DO NOT SAY INAPPROPRIATE THINGS IN THIS CHAT TWO BIT MATTHEWS!!!

It’s scary seeing him in our times-

—

Two Bit Matthews.

MEME LORD

All the memes all the jokes he understands it.

He is an intellectual.

Was barley passing school. He was usually on his phone in class.

He probably also had tiktok.

Dmed girls all the timeeee-

Hey good looking

You have been blocked by this user

WHA-

Yeah he didn’t realize girls didn’t like that

Had a whole page dedicated to memes because obviously.

DIDNT join virtual school at allllll

He was busy playing roblox like the cool kid he was.

He is legit a 9 year old-

Hated wearing masks but he did it.

Still hung out with Pony and the gang even with Corona.

He spammed the GC at like 4 a.m when he was super sleepy but still awake and asked all kinds of questions.

“If we call an orange orange can we call orange fruit?” Confusion.

He was something else-

—

Steve

Texted Soda during work.

Also texted Evie during work.

Google was his new best friend.

He used google a lot he just did.

Only had Instagram cause Sodapop begged.

He got used to it after a while.

Would get Ponyboy in trouble whenever he posted something that he knew could get him in trouble

Would post pictures of Darry doing random things and say “Superman” in the caption. LOL

Used LMAO a lottt for some reason

On the GC if someone was spamming he’d just say SHUT UP. Like a lot but he would.

He never wore his mask and if he did it was on his chin.

Pictures of chocolate cake.

That’s probably it lol.

——

That’s all. I hoped you liked it. Sorry I’m posting so late lol-

[mikemoon]

( choi yeonjun, cis man ) have you seen MICHAEL “MIKE” MOON ? i heard HE is a COMPUTER SCIENCE MAJOR at SAN VERTO COLLEGE and an EMPLOYEE at HALL OF FILM. they’re 22 years old and they’ve been living in san verto for 6 YEARS. they tend to be CARE-FREE & ADVENTUROUS, but rumor has it they can also be GRUMPY & CLUMSY. [ tally, 25, gmt+4, she/her ] @foolsstarters​

tw // mentions of depression, cheating, divorce, underage drinking and smoking

michael moon, born myungjun moon –– choi yeonjun fc

birthday: september 9, 1998 - 22 yrs old ; virgo

cis man, he/him, bisexual

born and raised in philadelphia, pennsylvania

mike grew up being an only child, and always around the company of his mother in their house. his father was always traveling back and forth from south korea to the states for work. his parents have met at work on one of his father’s trips to the states, and they fell in love. his mother being american-born, she couldn’t really leave philadelphia. she loved it there. so they decided to keep it a long distance relationship.

sometime during those fleeting meetings, she had gotten pregnant with michael. and of course, his father spoiled them both, giving them everything they wanted. he never left them to fend for themselves. when the boy was born, his father named him myungjun, and his mother decided to name him michael for his english name. the nicknames jun, mike, and sometimes junnie were often heard whenever his parents or childhood friends called him.

up until mike was five years old in 2004, he’s lived with his mother, while his father was leaving and coming back for a week or two. but that year, he’s finally moved to the states and stayed with them for longer nights. he even finally married michael’s mother. of course, he still disappeared for a few days or weeks on end for work.

but that was also the year michael’s mother found out that her husband was with another woman. michael has never seen his mother break down like that before. sadly, the young boy was peering into the room when the fight happened and witnessed everything. his mother made her partner choose between the two women, and he eventually told her that he was going to divorce his first wife for her, and appeared to have gone through with his promise. because after that incident, he’s been around more often.

by early 2015, when michael had just turned 16, his mother had gotten a teaching job in ashdown academy, which resulted in their move to san verto, california. meaning, new school and new friends for mike. meanwhile, his dad was still traveling a lot for business and coming back whenever he could.

michael has grown up as a cheerful and energetic child. his friends at any school he went to would tell you how much of a great friend he is, how trustworthy and caring he is. it was so easy for him to make friends anywhere. he was the type of friend who would smile at you and listen to you talk on and on about whatever you liked, and the type who would cheer you on with anything you want to achieve. he wanted everyone to feel included and loved.

so it wasn’t that hard for him to get along with new people once he moved to town. he was a very social person. 

he was also the type of teenager who was out there doing things he wasn’t supposed to. he missed his old friends and his old home, but he wanted to have fun with all the new kids he was befriending. that simply resulted in him going to house parties as an underaged teen to ‘have fun’. his mother didn’t approve of him coming home very late at night, clearly smelling like smoke and alcohol. 

internally he was a depressed mess. of course, no one is completely happy as they grow up. his family was a mess, even if it appeared as fine to everyone else. his family life affected him so much while growing up. mike sometimes could disappear for a few days in his room, and it was always during some of his bad spells.

what made it worse was the day he found out the truth.

it was 2017 when michael walked into his father’s office in their house, looking for him to ask him about something. and instead of finding the man, he found a stack of papers poking from underneath his father’s laptop. upon closer look, they appeared to be divorce papers. michael’s heart sunk, thinking his parents were breaking it off.

michael is a curious kid, he couldn’t help but close the door and read the papers. but what he saw wasn’t his mother’s name, it was another woman. his heart raced, as he put things back where they were and immediately left the room. michael had found out one of his father’s many secrets. he never divorced his first wife all those years ago. he lied and somehow stayed with both women without suspicion... well, until now. clearly the other woman was breaking it off for a reason. 

michael couldn’t help his curiosity. he came back to the room later that night and snapped as many pictures as he could of evidence he could find. he even found his father’s phone (which was easy to figure out the password of) and found a plethora of pictures of the man with a different family, different kids and a different partner. he airdropped the pictures to himself to avoid leaving any traces behind and quickly left again.

a quick search on facebook, and he managed to find the first wife. it was easy with the name and pictures he had. if anything, michael prided himself on being a good internet detective... or stalker. he spent everyday trying to find the rest of the family on the internet. he found the woman’s young daughter on instagram and twitter, along with her older son’s accounts as well. it felt weird. it was a constant “now what?” for michael. he’s found them. what was he going to do now? he couldn’t just message them and tell them everything. and he couldn’t break his mother’s heart by letting her know.

except he had to let her know. he could never live with the fact that he knew his father was betraying her this entire time. and so michael told her everything, and after comforting her all night when she broke down yet again, she immediately ended things and asked for a divorce. now it was just michael and his mother, all alone. and for once, having to get by on their own.

thankfully they were safe, with his mother’s amazing money management skills, and the job she got at the academy, they managed to live their regular lives despite the heavy feeling of a broken family looming around them. the two just wanted to be happy again.

michael spent the next few years trying to lead a normal life. his mental health had gotten worse after everything he’s found out. he went to college, and he continued trying to do well in school. he really wasn’t the best when it came to grades, but he was trying his best.

and truthfully, he couldn’t help but make a few spare accounts on some social medias to follow his father’s other family.

but he eventually decided to just let it go, assuming they definitely knew about his mother and himself, which would explain the first divorce. so he decided to put it in the past and move on.

his mother has moved on as well. she found herself someone who actually cares about her so much (mike’s stupid ass has done a secret background check to make sure this dude wasn’t another cheater lmaoo) and now mike isn’t an only child anymore. it’s been 2 years since his little sister yuna was born, and he loves her so much. he still isn’t used to the idea of a new fatherly figure in his life, but he’s.... getting there. 

little dumb hcs

mike majors in computer science at san verto college, with a concentration in game development and design

hes a lil gamer boy,,, u KNOW he’s that annoying dude with a gamer chair that has a sound system in it khjkh

he posted a few videos on youtube but rly just ditched the channel after like a month. he still posts whenever he feels like it tho and it’s usually just.... messy gaming videos or opinions no one asked for

his dad’s dumb ass still doesn’t know it was mike who exposed him to his mother. he thinks she found the divorce papers on her own. therefore.... mike still gets money from his dad on a monthly basis and gets to keep the car he bought him for his 18th birthday lmaooooo a win 

you probably heard me say this before but.... theres a hc that mike is allergic to eggs. simply bc the idea of him shopping in the vegan section is funny to me 

this boy has a love for frogs ? idk where the obsession came from but you bet you’re gonna see a cute lil frog sticker on everything he owns. he doodles them on everything too ? it’s a habit at this point. he also knows random little facts about them and tells them to anyone who didnt ask for them 

. embarrassing but.. this dude... omg.... a big sana stan.... he has a photocard collection.... he went to a twice concert like 5 times.... dont be surprised if you see a feel special sana photocard in his phonecase.... im embarrassed of him 

he also has a hyunjin mcdonalds hashbrown photocard framed that a friend gave to him for christmas bc.. it’s a rare card,,, and you can see it on a table by the door when you walk into his apartment 😭

mike also has a habit of buying things he doesn’t need ?? he has a plushie collection that has been growing since he was young, and now is getting bigger with the rise of squishmallows

there’s this random hc where he drunk bought a cardboard cutout of john cena ,,,, don’t ask,,, it’s currently guarding his room back at his mom’s house djfhdj

can you tell mike is my most embarrassing , most chaotic character,, 

also he moved out after graduating school and when he started to attend college,,,, gimme some roomies pls

connection ideas ??

michael’s childhood friends; could’ve gone to the same school back in philly before he moved away ?? 

friends he made when he moved to town?? mike is very social and was... kinda popular in school, i’d say. he made friends with basically anyone he found interesting

michael’s ex; they could’ve ended on a bad note, or even on a good one and ended up being friends. im really up for plotting anything.

michael’s best friend; PLEASE i love wholesome best friend plots. it doesn’t matter if they met in san verto or philly

roomies pls !!! i would love it if he could have some roommates who have to deal with his very . peculiar decorating habits 

co workers ?? customers ? regulars ? he works at hall of film ! 

like this to plot or hmu !

[angrylizardjacket]

the band with no name {Douglas Booth} 2

A/N: 1654 words. A bit shorter, but we’re getting into things now. idk how i feel about it, please give me feedback.

[PART 1]

Flop of The Month, your band, has an instagram account with exactly two posts on it, and Douglas feels like both and idiot, and a creepy stalker, for the amount of time he spends flicking through the two photos without actually liking them, for fear of you realising who he was.

Colson, however, seemed to have no such reservations.

“Look, I’m on their story,” Colson’s grinning from ear to ear as the cast and crew break for lunch the Monday after they’d seen your band play, showing Douglas his phone, and your band’s instagram story. It showed their notifications, highlighting how Colson had liked both photos and followed them, and had the caption ‘how’d the rap devil find us?’ and ‘not complaining tho’. 

“Bloody hell,” is all Douglas can bring himself to say, wearing a half-smile as they made their way to the costume department to get changed before lunch. It had been a low effort day, just jeans and t-shirts, but it was always safer to not eat in costume. Hair and makeup could stay and be touched up however.

Your band’s page had begun the day with 217 followers, and ended it with over a thousand. There wasn’t a link to your personal page, and so all he can do is scroll through your Facebook while waiting for Colson to be ready to go.

Y/N: weird question Y/N: also, hi Y/N: but yeh, weird question Y/N: was your friend last night mgk?

Douglas takes a moment to compose his thoughts before typing out his response.

Douglas: hi back Douglas: and yes.

There’s a few minutes of silence, and Douglas can feel his scalp itching beneath his wig, just a little, but he tries to ignore it.

Y/N: cool. Y/N: well it was nice meeting you guys!! Y/N: looking forward to seeing if ur band is real btw Douglas: probably wont be for a while Y/N: im happy to wait Y/N: if u want me there that is Douglas: if we ever actually play a gig, you’ll be the first to know

You send a blushing smiling emoji back, and Douglas finds himself strangely pleased.

“Is that her?” Colson asks, eyes shining as he pulled on his leather jacket; with his wig and makeup, he still absolutely looked the part. Douglas quickly slipped his phone in his pocket, knowing that a faint blush dusted his cheeks despite his best efforts. As he waffled his way through an affirmation, Colson’s smile just grew wider.

“I still don’t understand why you were being so vague; she probably would have jumped you there and then if she knew you were part of the Motley Crue movie, man.”

“Yeah,” Douglas said, his discomfort mounting at the insinuation, “that’s the problem, dude; first of all, I don’t know if she like the band themselves, or just the music, and if she does like the band,” he paused, shrugging a little, quietly embarrassed, “what if she likes them better than me?”

“They’re all married,” Colson says, like it immediately solves everything.

“Man, you know that’s not the issue,” Douglas sighed, but it’s clear he wasn’t done, and Colson just waited, eyebrows raised, “you know, girls who are like... like... how did you say it the other week? When that girl from Instagram was in your DMs every other minute?”

“Clout chasing,” Colson nodded sagely, suddenly understanding all too clearly his co-star’s apparent fears, “well she doesn’t know who you are yet.”

“Exactly,” Douglas exclaimed, glad the craft services tent was finally in view, feeling himself grow hungrier by the moment, “and I think I wanna keep it that way, just for now.”

“Better pray she doesn’t watch Jupiter Ascending,” Colson snorts, just as Douglas punches him in the arm. 

The next day, he messages you first, sends a photo of himself and the rest of the band out of costume, but holding their instruments, all wearing heels to help make it easier to wear them around set. 

Douglas: the band says hi Y/N: shit, you guys have instruments and everything Y/N: getting less sketchy by the minute

You follow it up with a winking emoji, and a photo of yourself, out in the sunshine, dressed impeccably, makeup dark and sharp, holding a stack of posters beside your head, advertising your band’s next gig; this Saturday.

Douglas: are you inviting me? Y/N: only if you’re saying yes

Your confident coyness amuses him, despite the way the shoes are pinching his toes, and he tells you he’ll be there.

The next day, you send a link to a band name generator, but more interestingly, you send it right around the time he’s getting his makeup done, early in the morning.

Douglas: early start? Y/N: my shop won’t open itself Douglas: your shop? Y/N: mini mall tattoo parlor hahaha

“She owns a tattoo parlor?” Daniel asks, reading over Douglas’s shoulder between takes, “you’d better make your move or Colson’s gonna go for her.” 

“Go for who?” Colson himself calls across set where his makeup’s being touched up.

“You weren’t meant to hear that!” Daniel shouts back, though he’s grinning, and adds, “Y/N. She owns a tattoo parlor.”

“Really, shit man, Doug she’s cool as hell,” Colson muses, before snorting, addressing Daniel, “gimme some credit, I’m letting the man shoot his shot; he’s my bro, not my competition.”

“Thanks man,” with the slightest smile, Douglas puts his phone away as the scene is reset around them, and Colson joins him in the middle of the living room set.

“I expect free tattoos, however,” he says with a faux seriousness, “because if you like her, like really like her, I’m gonna wingman the shit out of you.”

“Seriously?”

“Absolutely, man,” he claps Douglas on the shoulder with a surprisingly sincere expression.

It’s Colson who suggests, the following day, sending a video of Douglas playing the bass, asking if you had any pointers. They’re at band rehearsals again, blasting through their repertoire, when they get to Take Me To The Top, and as the song dies down, Colson makes the suggestion.

“Why are you filming it?” Iwan asks, and Colson’s smile is all teeth where he’s holding Douglas’s phone, answering before Douglas has the opportunity.

“Tryna help impress that punk chick from the band last weekend.”

“You’re actually talking to her?” Iwan asks with a bright, almost incredulous smile, “after everything that happened? She must really like you.” He muses, and Douglas feels his soul leaving this mortal plane.

“Smart move; asking for advice from her, lets her know you think she’s talented, and, well, you know,” Daniel shrugs, wiggling his fingers with a casual air. Douglas frowns, but Colson’s nodding.

“Exactly what I was thinking,” he agrees, and finally Douglas clues in. Dexterous fingers.

“Don’t be gross, guys,” he sighs, already regretting letting Colson help at all, “just take the damn video.”

It only takes thirty seconds for you to respond in All Caps.

Y/N: ARE YOU IN A MOTLEY CRUE COVER BAND

“I’m fucked,” Douglas mutters under his breath, staring wide-eyed at the message.

Y/N: you play so well dude just relax your stance and shoulders Y/N: fkn love take me to the top Y/N: seriously a motley cover band??? Y/N: you just instantly got 100x cooler

“Okay, maybe I’m not fucked,” he concedes after a moment, quietly breathing a sigh of relief.

Y/N: now i have to see u guys play!! Y/N: if that’s alright of course

“Nah, you’re definitely a little bit fucked,” Daniel offers over his shoulder, and Douglas pushes his face away.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Douglas grumbles, and Daniel shrugs bemusedly. 

“At least she thinks you play well,” but Douglas isn’t listening to him, he’s frantically tapping away on his phones, scowling, “what ‘re you doing?”

“Trying to come up with a name for our band -”

“Our fake band?” Iwan asks, arms crossed over his chest wearing an amused little smile, “do we have to play along with this too?”

“Not if you don’t want, just don’t... don’t tell her it’s fake is all.” Douglas offers, and the rest of the band nods.

“So how long are you going to play along with this bit?” Daniel ask, and Douglas heaves a sigh.

“Not sure; until I can trust that she’s not just in it to meet the actual band -”

“Which she doesn’t know you know,” Iwan interjected again, and Douglas nodded a little. After a beat, the rest of the band looked to each other, and seemed to share some sort of silent communication, before turning back to him.

“Okay,” Colson agrees easily, “if you’re serious about this chick you’ve known for five days,” he emphasizes, though Douglas doesn’t seem phased, “if we ever run into her, we’ll pretend we’re in a Motley Crue cover band.” He agrees, while Iwan and Daniel silently agree, though they look rather amused at the whole situation.

“There’s just something about her,” Douglas muses quietly.

“It’s the fact that she’s the coolest chick you’ve ever met,” Colson tells him with far too much authority, “and your little posh, school-boy brain wants to try something new.”

“Hey -” Douglas scoffed, though he was quickly talked over.

“She looks like she’d punch me in the face but I’d be okay with it,” Iwan adds, which, strangely enough, the rest of them agree to with various mischievous smiles. Douglas doesn’t exactly deny that he feels the same way.

“What’s our band name gonna be?” Daniel asks finally.

“The Fourskins,” Colson answers back immediately, grinning wide and proud of himself.

“Absolutely no-”

“That’s kind of genius,” Daniel snorts over Douglas’ protest, and so, on a three-to-one vote, their fake Motley Crue cover band is named The Fourskins, and Douglas kind of thinks he’d rather come clean there and then to you, rather than suffer through ever typing or saying that name to you. But he doesn’t. 

He really hopes you’re worth it.

[isa-ghost]

Achievements Unlocked?

The last decade has COMPLETELY shaped who I am now and the fact that it ends today and essentially sends me off into the next one where turning 30 is the end is something I can’t wrap my head around and not just bc it’s barely 9am as I’m writing it. Ten years hasn’t felt like ten years and all the shit that’s happened during those ten years feels like it’s happened in the last like,,, 3.

Basically this is just me going How The Fuck Did All Of This Happen In A Decade and highlighting the big things that shaped who I am now.

Uhhh this is long I’m gonna-

2010/2011 (Shit’s A Blur):

I started noticing aesthetic interests I had.

I developed my love for the outdoors and exploration.

I started realizing vaguely spooky things were really intriguing to me.

I got SUPER into Harry Potter.

Which lead to me creating my first two Ocs.

I started switching from drawing animals/landscapes to drawing people.

I made my first cluster of friends I hoped I’d have forever. (Spoiler alert: only still have one of em).

2012:

I started identifying with punk rock & emo culture/aesthetics.

I made my first cluster of online friends (Spoiler alert: don’t talk to any of em now)

I got into YouTubers.

I got into anime.

I made my first “blog.” It was a Facebook page for a fictional character.

I discovered my favorite band.

I made my first online friend I hoped I’d have forever (still have em so far!)

I met my future wife.

I started roleplaying with Ocs.

Which lead to making more.

I started drawing digitally using bases. Which started my improvement.

I made my own first little community via my FB page.

Which lead to an rp group of more friends I hoped I’d have forever (still got a handful of em!)

I discovered my other favorite bands.

I started using Skype.

I got into more anime.

My parents were officially fully separated. 

Which began the very start of realizing my dad was verbally abusive.

Congrats Isa, You Need Glasses You Dumb Fuck. Hooray astigmatism.

I graduated 8th grade.

2013:

I was essentially forced to move in with my dad for high school.

I started high school.

Officially became total anime trash and started watching them like crazy.

I THINK I hit 100 Ocs at some point this year. Just kept makin them from here.

Met my first cluster of irl forever friends (spoiler alert: only have 1 now).

Learned having Ocs was Not Just An Isa Thing, Holy Shit I Thought I Was Just Weird.

Promptly fell in love with learning about other people’s Ocs.

Realized Wow, I Kinda Can’t Stand My Dad And I Don’t Trust Him.

Had my first boyfriend. *gag* He was nasty.

Experienced my first long distance relationship. It lasted 3 days.

2014/2015 (Shit’s Also Blurry):

Got another long distance boyfriend. First relationship I genuinely liked the person.

I realized talking multiple people through the lowest points of their lives and keeping them from harming themselves was a sign I should maybe get into psychology and do that as a job.

I started getting interested in researching mental disorders.

Realized Okay Yeah, I Lowkey Hate My Dad

Realized I had A Concerning Amount Of Symptoms Of Depression. Fuck.

Realized Huh, Girls Are Pretty Too,,,

My friend taught me about bi and pansexuality. Casually started identifying as pan. Didn’t know shit about LGBT+ stuff.

Was shown a video by my friend. Decided Wow I Really Like This Screaming Potato Guy.

Acquired one more forever friend I still have.

Got slapped in the face by Gravity Falls.

My mom moved out of the rural town I just spent the last like 8 Years Of My Own Character Development In, Dammit

I realized money and finances Fucking Sucks.

Had the,, probably worst year of my adolescence. Angry, depressed, sick of my dad. It was Not Great. Almost started self-harming, only didn’t because I’d be a hypocrite if I did after helping my friends stop doing it.

Homestuck invaded my life around here I think.

Decided I’m Gonna Live With My Online Friends One Day! (spoiler alert: nope).

Was kinda forced by my dad to move out of the apartment I lived in and therefore forced to transfer schools.

Got to meet my future wife irl for the first time. Wow that was,, so gay before we even realized.

Okay Hold On, This New School Is,,, Really Nice.

2016:

New school. New me. New friends. New everything. Fuckity shit fuck.

Okay wait they have an anime club like my other school did we good.

Met another two forever friends that I think really are forever friends now.

Angry Shitty Depression Time Died Down A Little.

Somehow learned about evilsonas. Huh, Does Jack Have One? ... Ok Cool, They’re All People’s Ocs. Meh.

Started learning how to drive. Oh My God This Is Fun.

Lost my second ever pet and was... very confused when I wasn’t as traumatized as I was the first time I lost a pet.

Boyfriend kinda Thanos snapped from existence bc his irl life was hectic.

Experienced what it’s like to have a friend that died.

Wow my irl best friend is hot. ... Okay I Think Boyfriend’s Absence Is Bothering Me. *proceeds to ignore that*

Gets into some more bands.

Knock Knock, You Have Separation Anxiety, Isa.

Finally decided to try out high school things like homecoming. Ooh That Was Actually Fun.

The beginning of the worst end to a friendship I’ve ever had starts. Not Handling It Well.

Discovered Fooster. Cue hyperfixation on new favorite YouTuber and more new friends.

Wait What The Fuck What Just Happened To Jack’s Camera,,,, OH MY GOD HE ISN’T-

HE IS. OH FUCK HE IS. MMMMHELLO KNIFE MAN.

Totally forgets he exists for the next like 10 months.

Realization I Really Fucking Love Halloween.

Discovered what asexuality is and immediately identifies because I thought I was just weird.

Hmm maybe I should start watching this Markiplier guy

Big Sad Times, My Friends Graduated. Next Year Gonna SUCK.

Tried out Dungeons & Dragons. Fuckin loved it.

2017:

Ah fuck I’m a senior in high school this is gonna be a trip.

Discovered I like photography.

Literally where did this school year go it’s so blurry.

Was convinced to end the relationship with boyfriend. He’s still a good bean.

Hey uhhhh online best friend do u big gay.

WE big gay.

Found a book I really like that isn’t Harry Potter, damn it’s about time.

Ok But This Book Really Fucked Me Up, I Love It.

OH FUCK WAIT I’M GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.

Oh that wasn’t so bad.

Actually had to be PUSHED by my friends to have my first kiss with my girlfriend at my graduation party because I was too busy going [dkasjdjf] about having her physically in my presence at all.

First super memorable vacation. Wow I Fucking Love Traveling.

Got to meet another online friend!! I am,, incredibly lucky about being able to do that, this was like the 4th friend I got to meet.

[That one motion blur conspiracy theorist meme] SABRINA IM TELLING U JACK IS UP TO SOMETHING HIS TWITTER IS FUCKY

Gets punched in the throat with Kill Jacksepticeye on the way home from vacation and remembers how much I fucking love Anti

TIME FOR COLLEGE. I made a mistake.

TIME FOR COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Much Better.

Friend I Still Have From High School 1/2 introduced me to Bendy and the Ink Machine. HYPERFIXATION TIME BABEY.

Let’s,,, lets try Tumblr. Jack exists there a lot. And so does good art of everything I’m interested in.

Wait Who’s This Baby With The Mustache, JACK EXPLAIN

Okay there’s More Going On Here, lets get active in the community.

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SECURITY FOOTAGE. THIS IS SKETCH. THIS ISOH MOTHERFUCKER ITS ANTI

Isa: Become Theorist

The rest is history, really, all stuff I’ve posted about on here. xD

And knowing me I’ve left out other highlighted bits but remembering all of this is,,, really exhausting lmao, I’m surprised I jotted down as much as I did in Relatively Chronological Order.

[shadowturtlesstuff]

again but better thoughts while reading

@polandbananas20

 so my spelling is terrible in this but you know i was more focused on the book than how to spell. 

Chapter 1) good intro and good starting tone. The lady next to her sucks. Good small establishment of shane.

chapter2)shane characterisation is still consistent. I like her two new roommates (will be best friends) . My guess is the boy in the kitchen will be pilot. Family means but not intentional. Has no confidence. I was right about the boy

Chapter 3) intro of pilot properly. He's good. I love the inner monologue of shane. Trying to keep eye contact, the surprise of having a normal conversation. It sets her character well. Intro to her blog which i would love to actually read (i hope there's at least one entry we can read) pilot is a musician but not. Business major. What crap. 

Chapter 4) i really feel like shane, she is just typical fangirl/ dork and i love it. Its weird being english and reading about the things that shock them like pasta in bags.i understand the watermelon.we do get to read ‘shanes writing’ but its her personal jornal not her blog.

Chapter 5) fun chapter. Intro to rome. Love the idea that shane is heavy handed and violent. Short, not alot happened other than small character establishment.

Chapter 6)intro to creative writing class which i want/need in my life.more beatles. Woman on plane works at starbucks, will she make more appearances? 

Chapter 7) the drama???or at least wht will be the drama. Pilot has a gf, called amy (wish it was me) (wait no, bc i know that plot doesnt actually like amy anymore bc he obviously likes shane. So i take it back. I want to be shane, i mean i basically am like her but oh well.)

Chapter 8) parents. Overprotective, think they know best. Urgh. guarantee one of shanes new friends fight back to her parents to support her life choices, that do not include doctor.

Chapter 9)gets an internship at travel mag company. Thats it…..

Chapter 10)rome. Looses purse. Pilot to the anxiety riddled rescue by telling his own life story about his wallet to help calm her nerves.distracts her. Basially he would do anything for shane already.re count of rome trip from her jornal again which is a good touch to further the plot. This is making me want to read dan brown (ish) all of two books i own of him

Chapter 11) the postcards are a nice touch that i hope someone reads???? Travel buddies..just saying.chad..hmmm,im like shane,well see if he is good enough for babe. Her GODDAM stupdi mean cousins being mean on her facebook, and babe seeing (best friend moment) about pilot and the whole teasing about having a boyfriend.

Chapter 12) he didnt see (but i think he did but istn sayin anything) paris i shappening. Babe is bff confirmed and i want her as my friend 

Chapter 13)angry birds addiction starts. Level three, weak, shoulder touching it romance confirmed.awwww pilot 100% waited to sleep so he could see shane safe in bed

Chapter 14) pilot with a french accent, enough  said. The flirtinggggg.  The plane woman  is back??in paris with them????

Chapter 15)pilots choices of the back in time thing are both wit shane. Its so obvious and i love it. Pilot as a fake fangirl about the eiffel tower. More flirting,kind of. Oh god chad no.he did it. Goddammit.nooo he wull run babe and shanes friendship and maybe her and pilot. ‘Assbucket’ indeed. Her an pilot are fine and i really believe her and babe will be because when she nearly gets robbed babe giver her a sympathetic smile. Not much to go on but i have hope.

Chapter 16)okay so, fav chapter, she finally spills her guts that she has anxiety basically, that she is premed with strict parents and this is scary whilst pilots lies in bed with her to relax her bc he heard her crying. He only ecoureges her slightly before going back to his bed and sleeping. My heart, i swear, soon the roles reverse and pilot will say why he is in london and all that.

Chapter 17)babe and shane bffs confired. Chad is the worst confirmed. Of course it wasnt  break up call. Of course she wants to vist. Of course pilot is to cowardly to break up and just accepts them going to paris together. Of freaking course.

Chapter 18) do not get over pilot, it wont work. Rugby guy nooooo!im team pilot how dare you kiss shane! Wow, city of glass mention. I want to make a list of every bookmentioned.

Chapter 19) pilot is not himself (obviouls) shane is worried. She is still lying to her parents an feeling bad about. Rugby guy is thankfully a no go. Pilot finds out about the kiss and guy and is clearly silently jealous. 

Chapter 20)aww shane! Im sorry pilot sucks currently. And a stupid guys trip with flat four. No. and devil chairs. 

Chapter 21)1)love the book talk.  The loneliness is kicking in, pilot man up for gods sake

Chapter 22)this red-head plain weirdo is back and going through her list like some sort of mentore. Omg!!! No. amy is here, i dont hatte her but can she not. Also, her dad…. No! (this is the stand up moment i was on about, i hope)

Chapter 23) i do not like her dad. At all. Nooo shane...no. they found out. And acted like assholes.

Chapter 24) n1!ahhhh no! Amy has her notebook. The end is nigh.im going to cry i feel like shane. 

Chapter 25) the family dinner-family outing. Niether of them manuped and shane is depressed

Chapter 26)back in america. Still hasn’t told pilot but you know it is a slow burn

Chapter 27) I, wait? Marry, some guy? Like no. I know it’s been what six years but no. I refuse.i don’t like this so called Melvin. It’s okay she doesn’t want to marry him. She goes to see pilot and finally mans up and tells him and asks if she made it and and pilot finally man’s up and tells her no she didn’t. They get stuck in an elevator

Chapter 28) the elevators doing something. Shane wants to re do London cuz she hates life

Chapter 1?) they are both back in London? Both having the same what ever is happening? 

  Chapter 2) omg. Plane lady took them back to staRt over and pilots mad about it (obv)

Chapter 3)so… they got mad but started over and I’m excited. 100%they won’t press the restart button. I’m calling it now. Cuz pilot knows he now has a chance to do the what if’s/

Chapter 4) they keep there distance but we all know it won’t last

Chapter 5) tipsy Shane? Shawarma

Chapter 6) babe thinksthere is something going on with them( again)

Chapter7)the story about fake pilot, and the kiss. Ahhhhhhg

Chapter 8)they found the button. Shane doesn’t want to go back. I do t want them to go back. They don’t go back thank god

Chapter 9) da Vinci code flirting somehow.. Shane tells him it won’t happen u less he breaks up with last Amy.

 Chapter 10) he will break up with Amy and laris is gonna happen. 

Chapter 11) so Shane is happy again, pilot broke up with amy. Shane tried to make peace with the devil chair.

Chapter 11) they are so adorable. Aswwwwewhwhehruysnwjw

 Chapter 12) Uwuwnfhueia we get more Shane and pilot flirting, 

Chapter 13) the opposite game is adorable. I like that they get to be themselves together without the awkwardness. The start of the move game. Thats my fav. 

Chapter 14) they still have the angry birds obssesion but unlike me and supercard they know when to stop.the dance ‘move’ ahh i love. The line ‘but you do.’ just shows how much they know each other and how pilot would do anything to make her smile. And the lost move (not really a move but totally a move.) once again proves their love. Also we had that plot moment where he talks about why h chose to go to london. I adore shanes rant (?) about the things she loves. And then pilot doing the same thing. Shane vs chair is my life, like i battle chairs too. 

Chapter 15) what is tfios? Ooohhh. Fault in our stars. (i googled it)i probably shouldve known by the whole always part. The dance move came back to bite pilot in the ass and now they are dancing together. Ew chad. Yes shane! That is what chad deserves. 

Chapter 16) they get intimate and gigly and happy and aaaawwwhww

Chapter 17) im glad shane still rememebers to be friends with babe and not forget her in her lovestick state currently.

Chapter 18) her postcard….the questions that haunt her so much. Sort of accepting them herself too. She finally got to do wrecking ball, they miss internship , oh no…. Start if a downall?? 

Chapter 19) shane and pilot have fallen HARD

Chapter 20) the article is off the table. Amy is there. What the hell. No. omg pilot no, you moron. THEY BROKE UP!!! Which is fair, a break is needed. They both get back on track and then try and find a balance. Hopefully. Oh her laptop….shit...the feels when all your work is just gone. Tries to reset bc she is so depressed bc she thinks she failed again. 

Chapter 21) she cant go back (thankfully) a bookstore is always a good haven to go to when your breaking down.

Chapter 22)the redemtion (?) time to try and fix everything and get back on track.the determination and the readiness to try and make everything better for herswelf, herself, and no one else is good. She makes friends with the people in her office and works harder than befire, try to get herself out of her comfort zone and experience things

Chapter 23) the confrontation with her parents. Oh god. I hope this goes well. Its going as well as it can go. Im happy shane is sticking up for her dream so she can be happy, uugh the whole dad speech of ‘i do everything for you, i know best because im older,’ i hate it. Ooohh she is making up with leo, talking ot him this time. Im happy. Leo is gay. Cool. i hate how he got broken up with becuase of his stupid family, it sucks. ‘There is no normal.’ perfect words. 

Chapter 24) her thing is in the thing!!!( also good job me with words.) her article got published (there we go)this is where she learns she can be with pilot and be successful because tracy is with a famous author and they make it work with harder schedules. Trys to talk to her parents. This time she will make there relationship work.

Chapter 25)urgh ‘you live under my roof,on my dime…’ blah blah blah. We hate controlling parents that dont see that overprotecting and controlling their childs life does more damage than good. Babe suggest self discovery trip. Babe is a grat friends. 

Chapter 26)the button thing will work…’im mad at pilot. Or am i mad at me.’ she cracked the code. She loathed herself because of her fear of failing, but because this time she worked on herself to make herself happy she no longer hates herself. Yet she still feels the same (ish) feeling that even though she worked harder and got further that she has no summer job when she gets back to the states, her parents still wont allow her choice of work.PILOTS BACK!!!!!!! She was about to press the button and he swooped in with his music.

Chapter 27) he still follows her blog and got help from babe. His speech, finished with lamppost. Where can i get a pilot?he uploaded their song. Working through the divorce thing again but it will be better because he has shane to talk to about it. Ahhh she got a job!!! Happy ending!!! My heart!!!eeeee…

epilogoue) she becomes a successful author. Her parents have accepted her and support her. Pilots a musician. He takes her to the weird plane lady and they gobe the locket back, then he makes the ultimate move. With pictures of where they fell in love he uses the beatles russain doll things to hide a ring and when she finds it she obviously says yes. And that its unfair cuz she cant top that move. 

sooo...thats it.

i really enjoyed this book. i cannot wait for her next book. this post is longwinded i apologize but oh well? again i will link my website and review as soon as its done. so far in about five hours all i have is a paragraph so it may not be as soon as i want it to be

[imbarely]

Hello and thank you.

I don’t know if you guys are gonna read this but I hope you do. And I don’t know how many people are still active on tumblr but if you’re reading this, I just want to say thank you. 

You don’t know how much it means to me to have this blog and see how you guys like the content that I reblogged these past few years (even tho I’m not active anymore). I started blogging when I was 12 years old and now I am 20 years old and is about to have my internship on February 2020. 

This blog isn’t my first blog, I’ve had another blog before and have also forgotten the passwords so many times and I’m not sure if this is my third account that I made or is it even the tenth account I made. Okay so anyway, that’s not my point. 

My point is that for so many years, I have reblogged so many beautiful pictures, started when I didn’t even know what kind of blog posts do I want to reblog so I just reblogged whatever I like which made my blog looked like a mess but at least I enjoyed it. Later on, I started to focus on tumblr more and joined several facebook group to increase my followers on tumblr and here I am now, I have 120.000+ followers. I also started looking at tumblr not only to have fun but also to earn money. 

Now this is the most fun part. I never knew that blogging could earn you a lot of money. And when I said a lot, it is really A LOT. I mean, back then I was just a 15 year old kid from Indonesia and my country doesn’t even allow us to have a part time job, so as a 15 year old, earning almost 1.000+ dollars in a short time is count as a lot, not only money, but you also get FREE STUFFS. Plus, you only need to reblog content or post a content to earn that cash, you don’t even need to socialize or meeting face to face with the company that you work for (isn’t that great?! especially when you’re an introvert or you’re just too lazy to socialize all the time, just like me). 

So life was good back then. And for the first time in forever, my parents even let me to sit in front of the computer for hours without them complaining or yelling at me because I kept busy with my computer (ofc during the weekend cause I had school at weekdays) well at least they weren’t complaining because they knew I was “working” (hey! tumblr is a part time job too y’know) 

Okay, I don’t know if I’m talking too much or if this story is actually interesting for you guys BUT ANYWAY, time flies so fast and now I kinda feel like I’m betraying tumblr. I stopped making tumblr as my part time job because as I grew up, I needed to go to university and actually doing something with my life. Which includes passing the national exam in order for me to get to the university and got a scholarship. 

I ended up passing my national exam and here I am, in my 3rd year of university in Netherlands. Now, I’m not blogging anymore, I still open my tumblr account sometimes but I’m not active everyday but still, I can say that this is one of my biggest achievements so far. I’m looking for an internship right now, and it’s really hard especially when you’re a foreigner in a foreign country (i mean, im indonesian and im in netherlands, ofc those companies prefer people that can speak dutch, so you feel the struggles now?) 

Now, you must be thinking why do I say thank you for?

So here is why. I made my CV already, and I haven’t mentioned this before, but I’m an International Communication Management student. I really want to work in communication field but related to fashion industry. So as some of you guys know or maybe everyone does know about this, when you’re making a CV, you need to include your experience(s) that is relevant to the job field that you are aiming to. At this point, I am aiming at marketing communication field at fashion companies, and tumblr is one of my experiences because I’ve been working with several online companies by posting their content on my blog. So I put that on my CV as a blogger. 

Just like some other students, ofc I asked one of my teachers for a feedback on my CV. He wasn’t sure what I meant by “blogger” at first and then I started to tell him the whole story but in a short version because duh, people only care about the success version. No one cares how long did it take for me to get to this state, they only care and interested about how did you get so many followers, what kind of ways, etc. 

My story blew my teacher’s mind (not for real but for real, you get what i mean?). He started telling me to change “blogger” to “influencer marketer” instead, how cool is that? I never thought myself as an influencer before, because duh I’m just a normal person hanging around tumblr. I never really told my blog to anyone before, unless we’re really close then I would probably tell you but when it comes to CV, I would do anything and also because this isn’t something you need to be ashamed of, it is actually a great experience considering being an influencer is such a big deal nowadays.  

I want to say thank you to all of you, I don’t really want to say “my followers” because it sounds like you guys are my fans or something but YOU ARE NOT. Although, it is called followers on tumblr but still okay whatever. But I do want to thank all of you, you who have helped me to gain all of these followers, you who thought my blog was pretty, you who thought i reblogged interesting pictures, you who always messaged me asking how i’m doing, you who always sent me nudes (it was really popular back then I HONESTLY DONT KNOW WHY UNTIL NOW). I just want to say thank you to everyone for everything. 

Without this tumblr, I wouldn’t have such a big achievement like this. Then I wouldn’t have something to write on my experience on my CV. I’m still looking for my internship right now, but I know I’m gonna get it real soon (with the help of people around me and with the help of you guys because you’re part of this blog.) I never knew that my followers count will matter a lot until this point, the fact that some companies are really looking at the quantity really blows my mind, I always think that it doesn’t really matter how much followers do I have (that’s why I didn’t even put it on my CV at the beginning), heck, even if you have 1.000+ followers, that’s already big enough, I think. 

My point is not that I want to brag about how many followers do I have, but my point is that the fact that I am capable to get a lot of followers count as my social media strategy and that is also why I put it on my CV. Not to brag, but to show them how capable I am with social media. 

So thanks to all of you, that I am capable to put this as one of my biggest experience and that it could help me to achieve my dream. It might sound weird but damn, it has a really big impact on me. This is crazy, I don’t know what to say anymore but damn, this is crazy. 

[fairy-made]

Some ‘ “ woke ‘ “ dude (I say woke bc I went to his page and smelled the sour essence of ankh on his timeline) around my age came onto my moms facebook post of her 23&me dna results to enlighten her about how “your % of white ancestry is actually 3xs higher than the average african american” and felt that he had to include a “sorry.” Like... she hasnt seen or met a single white or white passing family member. Like it was a surprise. Like it was shocking and going to ruin her life or something.

[[MORE]]

Maybe he dont know her too well, I honestly wouldnt be surprised because she interacts with some weird people online, but I was just kinda like..... she has several white passing family members, she doesnt have a single kink or coil in her natural hair, and I have been introduced to several people that were related to me and Ive been like “how??” Because they were just straight up blonde hair/blue eyed white people lol. If she was gonna be shocked to learn that white slave owners raped their slaves and there were still white and black folks fucking in her family up until recently I would think her skull would be empty. You can think its shameful(??) or w/e but im pretty sure this was in no way shape or form a surprise. He went on to say “this information breaks some folks” to which she replied “no not really its nothing that is untrue” and he commented AGAIN saying “sorry.” Like........ where is the feeling of shame or broken-ness that required you to say sorry again, Im not seeing it. Who are you sorry for???

Its just the funniest thing because Im pretty sure everyone Ive known on her side, white passing or not, has shared the same wisdom & feelings about being black and embracing their black identity, so like. The negativity associated with being mixed with white. Its not there. It was explained to me that it simply is what it is but at the end of the day we are black. And ill be honest the ones that tried to present their whiteness as superior were in the minority and are also dead now. Ive been told about how their behavior & mindsets were fucked up and not tolerated. But its w/e this was just a facebook comment from some rando dude half her age who also commented that he was in the hospital shaken up on meds so. I probably shouldnt have been so like.... bitch what??? Lol. But it was still like... bitch what. 😒 I dunno the smell of ankh just kinda set me off lmao.

Anyway Im interested to do the test myself or have my dad do it.

[spainmozsombi]

Oh okay, Erasmus is actually cool!(10.21)

Last thursday was probably one of the most important days since I have been here. I had class at 1 pm, nothing extraordinary happened, it was actually pretty boring with some groupwork that we did not have enough time for...(I also should have had the magreb course in the evening but I skipped it).

In the evening there was a music session with the whatsapp group “erasmusicians”, we basically rented a rehearsal room for three hours and played some cool tunes (if somebody’s reading this who knows matus’ place it’s kinda the same, it’s just better and doesn’t smell like 40 years of smoking). It was interesting to experience how music can bring people together even if nobody plays the songs perfectly. On the other hand I really noticed the difference between this and how we used to play with my band, when everybody knows his part, when it’s all like a well oiled machine. Both are good in a different way. Ivan (local spanish guy who organizes these musical events) brought his electric guitar, an italian dude (David) brought his acoustic guitar, Celia (local spanish girl, also organizer) brought here electric piano, there was a drumkit, somebody had a bass guitar, and countless microphones. We played songs from Beatles, Nirvana, Gorillaz, Marilyn Manson, Foo Fighters, Arctic Monkeys and a bunch of more, the list goes on aand on. After this it was planned that we were gonna practice with Óscar separately (for the next Open Mic) but he had to cancel it so I went to get a beer with the rest of the group instead. We found a really cool tapas place that also had pool in the basement! We had a few drinks, played pool, I even played some Paramore songs with a spanish girl (a waiter was kind enough to turn down their music just so we could play). We had a good time and actually got kicked out at midnight cause the place was closing. I thought the night was gonna end here but no, we went to another place that’s basically a pool bar (if that’s even a thing)..We rented a table and played till about 2 am or so, it was proper fun! We played 2 vs 2, I was in a time with a british guy called Joe who’s from Birmingham, he’s a really nice guy! This italian dude talked me into helping to him with a course where he has to amplify instruments/somebody singing, so I will play him some songs (on his guitar) this thursday. I got home around 3 am...

On friday I was still so pumped cause of the previous night that I jumped right into learning some more spanish, started looking up how conjugation works, and thank God it doesn’t seem that ugly. In the evening I had the Magreb course. So, this course is twice a week (as all of them) on thursday there’s the lecture and on friday we should focus on the groupwork, the ted talk and essay that we gotta present in early november. For some reason we never really take the friday class very seriously, so we were mostly laughing about stupid sh1t. After that we went to get a beer and tapas, we (my groupmates, Adel, Óscar, Filip and his girl friend who came to visit him) went to a place called “Grifo y Tapas” (somebody recommanded this place to me, thanks for that!). Had some good times, laughs and whatnot. Filip had a really hard time learning my first name (I use Zsombor here, not many people knows about ‘Balint’ haha). After ordaring the first beer I noticed that Óscar and Adel are drinking something else, which looked much better than my beer (which I still don’t like, but fröccs is not a thing around here), Óscar gave me a sip and it was amazing, some syrup with wine. Or the other way. Wine with some syrup. Sweat! And the name of it is ‘Tinto de Verano’. It felt weird to be out for drinks two nights straight, but I think I’m starting to get the hang of this Erasmus vibe. 

//Intermezzo\\

I feel more and more that I have people to talk to, we are getting to know each other, I experienced a change in my attitude (from generally negative to generally positive). I had a traning back in May that was supposed to prepare me for the erasmus thing and there was a graph about how people’s mood go from “ohmygod im here, it’s so cool” to a huge drop when everything is bad and it goes back up again as one gets used to things and starts to enjoy the whole thing. Cause of previous experience abroad I was 110% sure that I was gonna experience the same thing. Well either I only had the first high point for only a few hours after landing or I didn’t have it at all, I just had a bad mood most of the time when I was alone, and now it feels like I rather see things much more positively.

On saturday I had to make a hard decision between going bouldering or going for a ride, eventually I got out for a ride, which turned out to be a great decision (on sunday the weather got much colder). Ride was good, I spent most of the time making short videos of me riding. This meant finding a good section, practicing it for a bit and then putting down my phone on a safe place and doing it again on camera. I didn’t ride that much but I really enjoyed looking for good angles and places to have the best shots (you can see the video on facebook, but I think whoever’s reading this blog you probably have already seen it). For lunch/dinner I improvised and fried some potato in a pan alongside with some broccoli and zucchini, shredded some cheese on the top...I know what you think..It felt way too healthy..But I ate it! (just finished the leftovers today).

On sunday in the morning I went bouldering again. On saturday I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt for riding, on sunday morning I had to put on actual pants, a hoodie and a jacket!...Bouldering was great, bought an pass for 8 sessions, felt much better than on wednesday, climed some new routes, did some exercises for core muscles, and, before I forget, I ran into Filip and his friend, so I had some company. I keep trying to make my sentences shorter but I just love these “barokkosmagyarkörmondatok”...In the evening there was another erasmusician session, but in a pub this time ( actually same place where we were on thursday), It was great, a killer guitar player named Jeremy from the US and a girl (I think also from the US) with a beautiful voice, who’s name I totally forgot, joined us. Oh yeah, and a british dude with a violin! He played the main riff of Sweet child O’ Mine, it was mindblowing...After playing together for an hour or so we split up into smaller groups, each with a different musical style. I ended up with Matteo and Elena from Italy and a german girl who’s name I also forgot..Oops. We were playing Oasis songs, it was so much fun! (Matteo likes to speed things up a bit so I really had to try to keep the tempo..) At the evening we played some pool again, with Joe, and David.

Today (monday) I had my economic course. The faculty of economics is up on Campus Cartuja, which is on the mountain, and I always walk up there. Even though the weather was also colder today (14-15 degrees?) but sunny, I still ended up sweaty buy the time I got up there...Course was about oligopolies and monopolies, not very interesting but the teacher still managed to make it a bit less boring! (Hats off!). We got lunch with Oliver after the class, at the canteen close to this faculty. See the pic (probably) above. We analyzed how inefficient the whole service is, they just use way too much manpower..In the afternoon I did some maintenance on the bike, managed to the evening I joined Oliver on his run. I wasn’t running, no need to worry, I still hate it, I was riding my bike. He’s prepping for a half marathon this weekend and a full marathon in early december...He’s a fanatic let me tell you that...

That’s all folks!

[mariaaamaaarquez]

the second one- where does this start?

okay okay so I guessss this is the part where I kind of have to talk about myself since honestly truly now that I think about it- not a lot of people know MY story.. its usually me asking to someone else what theirs is and why they are the person they are, but sometimes not even my closest best friends know, because they never asked? weird, I know lmao. buuuut okay where to start right? well I was born in Guatemala, September 21st 2001, for the ones who didn't know hahah aaaand I was a happy kid. always a happy kid. to keep the long story as short as possible, moms filed for a divorce, father said no. for my fifth birthday though, they both wanted to take me to Disneyland, in Cali. this meant that we had to get a tourist visa from Guatemala granting us permission to leave the country, which for those of you who don't know how that process works, its HARD. somehow we managed to get it, and a few weeks later I was celebrating my birthday in Disneyland. that was when my mom made the decision to run away from my dad. obviously telling this story now, I know we had family in Virginia. and being an immigrant traveling with your also immigrant daughter as you're already in the United States- not so hard. I woke up to my mom packing bags, she just told me to go back to sleep and that we were going to the beach later that day. I, listened to my mom, and proceeded to waking up basically in an airport. just like that my life had shifted. we flew into Virginia, and proceeded to living there, hiding for six months. hiding was tough. my father had even filed a missing child case basically saying I had been abducted. Amber Alert who, right? During my time there, I did start to notice money coming in, we would go shopping, and I would get random presents out of nowhere. AAAAnd thats where my stepdad comes in. Once again, to summarize, my (now stepdad) had been in contact with my mom ever since they were high school teenage sweethearts. when my mom split up with him, it was because he had decided to flee to the United States and stay as an illegal immigrant. that’s when she met my father and had me- talk about a cockblock. anyways I soon came to find out that all the money and presents coming in, were from him. he came to Virginia for Christmas, also took me to New York for the first time and I got to get hello kitty EVERYTHING inside that Toys R Us- and then we came back home to Virginia and I was completely in awe of how good this man was treating me and my mom- aaaandd thats when they dropped the bomb on me. We were moving to Seattle. shortly after making that decision, it was January of the year 2006 and I was on a plane (again) and headed to my new life, with a new dad, and SOOO many new toys. I was happy. 

Fast forward a few months, moms is pregnant, has my brother in 2007, I can suddenly speak and understand English FLUENTLY, and I have an entire new family. As if it couldn't get crazier, my 3rd grade year, my biological dad reached out to my mom, told her he was in town. I had no idea until we stepped into the closest mall by my house, and there he was. Live and in the flesh, it was my father. I ran into his arms and obviously balled my eyes out, and I just couldn't believe it. 

Fast forward a few years, he visited again and then after that visit went kind of MIA. No more emails, or letters, and most definitely no calls. When I turned 13, I still waited for that phone call, waited all day for my mom to tell me “your father’s on the phone” and nothing. Until it was 1AM, September 22nd, and my mom told me THATS when he called. 1 fucking am here, meaning 3 am over there, basically the day after my birthday. After that year, noting stayed the same. No longer waited, or anticipated, just- nothing. I later came to find out through social media, that he was having a daughter. Insane. I couldn't believe it, but part of me saw it coming. I mean this is what I wanted right? for him to move on and start his new life, and I didn't care anymore if I was a part of it... right? On my 16th birthday, he called. By this time I wanna say my little sister was probably around 3 or 4, (still hadn't gotten a call, until now.) When he called me I was in the middle of a small get together with just family, my boyfriend and bestfriends at the time had already left and I heard the phone ring. my mom looked at it and went silent, and showed me the phone. I knew who it was. I recognized the number. and I didn't want to answer, but I needed answers. 

so I pick up.

“hello?”

“hi mija, god how I've missed you I can't believe I actually got a hold of-”

“stop.”

you can’t believe you got a hold of me? you never tried.

I proceeded to basically cussing him out, and asking about my sister. You know when you accidentally rat yourself out to your parents by saying something you shouldn't have? yeah thats exactly what happened to my not so dearly beloved father. he basically spit out that my sister’s mother was the same bitc- lady, that my dad had cheated on my mom with- go figure! no wonder the woman ran away from you, jesus. 

“look, im sorry. god I am so sorry for everything I promise I will make it up to you what do I have to do?”

“never speak to me ever again. just like how I was basically dead to you and had no right to know the truth about everything, as far as im concerned the only thing that connects us is blood.”

he ruined my 16th birthday.

never talked to him ever again.

fast forward to my senior year- tf when did that happen?

I’m in Washington DC on a school trip (so much fun by the way AMAZING) and I call my mom to say hi and catch up (actually just calling because she was across the country and if she didn't hear from me she’d think I was dead inside the White House or something, hispanic moms, you know) and she then proceeds to tell me that she saw on Facebook (once again this damn social media) that my dad had just became a father, again. another baby sister. also that he had been living back and forth from Germany to Guatemala. 

sounds like a blast daddy dearest. 

(yeah he has a lot of money by the way, still waiting on the child support from the past decade but its good HAH) 

FAST FORWARD AgaIINNN to March of 2019. 

I became a legal resident of the United States, free to travel in and out of the country without a problem, free to work wherever I wanted, free to go to college and actually have a social security number when im asked for it- just simply free. 

April 2019. 

The month I got the chance to go back to my beloved Guatemala for the first time in thirteen years. THIRTEEN. To not bore you with all the details of my trip, on the last night, fate decided that it was time, and yes ladies and gents, there he was, in the flesh, my father. I always call him “father” and my stepdad “dad” just because all that other guy did was help with the process of me being born he was never a real dad to me ever, as heart wrenching and harsh as that may sound. so fuck him. seriously, fuck him. I saw him, with tears of anger streaming down my face and my entire body shaking, and he walks up to me crying.

he leans in for a hug.

“not a step closer don’t you dare touch me.”

he walks away and disappears into the crowd of hundreds of people, and I proceeded to having the worst panic attack I have ever had. paramedics asking if I was okay, my mom on the floor with me as I was sobbing and screaming, and everyone scared out of their minds because suddenly I felt trapped in a ball of water with no air as everyone watched the color of my skin slowly beginning to fade until I became white as snow. when I snapped out of it and finally calmed down, I cried. god I cried so damn much. I was so hurt, mostly because part of me thought he would take a stand for once and try. just try. even though I told him not to I knew a part of me wanted him to, but he didn't. and he disappointed me- just as I expected he would.

haven't heard of him since.

that was almost five months ago. and that leads us to today, the present! and thats my story, without all the minor details because with those included id have people reading for hours. But, even after this longgg ass post, if you're still here hi! thanks for reading, and for being interested in my story? not a lot of people tend to be, but if im gonna be writing on here I might as well include it- right?  

anyways- yep thats me, this along w other crazzyyy things are part of what shaped me to be the person I am today. As for my family? My mom, my dad, and my little brother? I’d take a bullet.

and as for my father? 

I don’t know,

I don’t bother to ask,

I don’t care.

besitos,

ria.

[abyss-mal-blog1]

current mind-space//word vomit

it’s amazing how much can change in a few days, but it hasn’t been a week since my finals ended and i already felt so different. i have been doing f45 everyday this week (if not then some kind of workout, but i’ve really been into that recently). i am feeling so much better now without deadlines, sometimes i don’t know if i function better under pressure or not. i guess not, but then it’s amazing how much i can do and achieve under pressure. i need the right amount of pressure, and this semester it has been a little difficult for me to get around that. 

last friday was kinda my last day of finals, i just had an essay to submit, and i am disappointed in myself and my work ethic because i submitted it at 9pm, went to my cousin’s (disappointing) party, and then professor emailed me to say that she cannot read Pages format (seriously smh @ my tardiness!!!), only got back at 1am that night and sent my mediocre essay. i am a little sad about it because i know that is not my 100%. idk why but college so far has just been a series of 80% effort. this paper was an interesting one, on airbnb, on the sharing economy, it’s a performance studies paper where i analyze the hospitality platform in terms of host-user relationship, parasitism and (attempted) to talk about free online labor. it is a little too late now but i kinda want to work on it again and like, submit for feedback. maybe ill ask taylor. 

last saturday was kinda meh, i agreed to go to a *social* kinda event at a bar/club at chelsea, held for Asian-ivy-alumni-people that yanlin invited me too. it was at up&up and honestly a little...i didn’t enjoy it at all. the music sucked, the people were either too dorky or gross or old or weird, and the whole time i just kept saying to myself, “never again”. they said it was open bar but they only served absolut, which was shit. and then my friend’s two friends were...i feel sorry that this was their first clubbing experience. at the beginning my reaction was look at all these ivy alumni! get hitched with one of them for ~da connectsx~ (and nothing else) but no kidding i was actually interested in talking to them just to get to know what people who graduated from ivies are up to, and what are they doing at such events...and are they actually enjoying themselves because it was really kinda gross. met my friend’s friend who seemed like a really smart engineer (he asked for my number the next day lol), and a german dude at the bar who didn’t want to get me a drink. all i needed that night was a drink.....(i’m glad i didn’t drink tho because recently drinking has made me feel all kinds of bad)  we had ramen after at ramen-ya (most probably the worst ramen and charsiew i’ve had but what can we do at 3am and my friend wanted noodle and soup...)

on sunday i KNow i should have left my house earlier to workout but i didn’t. i was angry at myself that i didn’t. instead, i stayed at home and emotion-ate. i must have eaten more green bean soup than my stomach would have liked. what else...avocado? i remember..two bananas? god. this was the day i felt like i was n’s boyfriend because i had to do what she wanted to do. i know i had agreed on going, but at that point i really wanted to go thrifting or something. i mean when i got to central park it was fine and things were good but the whole day just felt like i was kinda pulled into doing something that wasn’t my first choice of plans, not that i didn’t enjoy myself lying under the sun at the park. it just felt like i was accompanying someone. i was half an hour late to meet her as well, and half heartedly got a burrito-wrap at newsbar. if you think about it it is really kinda funny, we’re just buying food and taking the subway to this grass patch 50 blocks away. we didn’t walk much, we literally only stayed at a little grassy slope overlooking the baseball pitch. anyway we went to a dance class after (the class was an hour long but i felt like n had asked me about when and what time we should book the classes for more than an hour by text so i just got really sick of it) i rushed home and got dinner with my uncle who’s in town for my cousin’s graduation. i was surprised that he chose the same japanese restaurant again, after dissing it half a year ago we ate here. the omakase was crazy and it cost 230 per person. (for the most expensive set) it was also kinda dumb because you aren’t allowed to order a different omakase set from anyone else - everyone on the table has to order the same - because of “timing”. i wonder if this is how it is in japanese omakase etiquette, but in any case it really earned them a hefty amount because my uncle decided to get 230 for all of us. qiyang didn’t like and said qiqi had bad taste, hahaha. the food wasn’t bad, i mean it’s japanese fusion, but the prices were way too steep for the taste. anyway enough about the food, during the dinner i think we talked about many things though. i kinda wanted to talk to my uncle individually because i think he is the only one who knows about ah gong, but he was sick, and i could tell he was exhausted. my aunt got a little impatient because i didn’t arrange plans to take their furniture and they were going to throw all of them away and it was actually the first time i’ve seen her get so worked up - but at the same time trying to control her emotions - because she was talking to me. i could tell she was annoyed though but i tried not to take it personally, and arranged it tomorrow. 

arranging the moving stuff was kinda last minute, i was walking to the library for work one day and i saw a truck that said MakeSpace. i assumed it was a kind of moving company and so i looked them up. they seemed to be pretty okay in terms of their services and so i decided to try them out. confirmation and setting up an appointment went pretty smoothly, except for the part where the guy i think his name was joseph, asked me to give my credit card details over the phone. idk why i did that! i stopped though, and asked him why, to which he replied he wanted to key in with the coupon code. this service has so much gimmicks within the first 2-3 minutes on the phone he was already telling me about how the first pick up is free, and that he will deduct 100$ off the first month...when people give you discounts too easily it just feels like a ploy and a thing they give to everyone, it’s not anything special and it’s probably calculated inside whatever we have to pay. anyway, i was just thinking it would be cheaper (assuming the maximum that i would have to pay is ~$500, as i confirmed with them on the phone yesterday), it’d still be cheaper than starting an apartment lease now and going through the trouble of finding two subletters. 

well. idk, it’s also easy to have things all moved in, i have to find a place to store my perishables!

moving is so much work, and storing things. this reminds me of my paper on airbnb and about the digital nomad lifestyle. it is interesting though, that this is what it has become. but the homogenized aesthetic is something i really cannot stand, in airbnb, in coffeeshops around the world..i am sure you know what i’m talking about. a new york times writer did something about this - he termed it “Airspace” - and apparently it originated from Brooklyn. I guess that’s where the art/avant-garde stuff started. well. keep a look out im gonna write a blogpost about that 

moving on 

nat came to sleepover on sunday night and a few days after because the school kicks you out of the dorms you pay so much for right after your final ends. i forgot if we did something fun but i probably just fell asleep. 

on monday i think i went to f45 and did cardio at Dumbo with Gi. he seems like a pretty nice trainer, the first time i went it was him and another girl Bertha (i think my first f45 was last tuesday) and i felt like i had two personal trainers with me - Gi was cheering me on and Bertha was doing it with me. it felt like such a good workout, one of the best ive had in a while. then work, where i arranged the movers stuff. i also realized i bought the wrong date for my flight ticket as my friends and had to buy one more...............

tuesday was the same f45 in the morning, and the bobst after. didn’t really get much work done at bobst. oh i also viewed a 3BR flex at 160. hella expensive and small, and dates didn’t work out anyway. also the broker who brought us to view the apartment was a very nice tall french man and his name was jean-francois which i couldn’t pronounce and asked nat but still called him jean as in jeen instead of john. this is why i have to learn french. you’re embarrassing. i also went to the itp/ima spring show with shubham which was super cool. there were many cool ideas, and i just wonder if i could create something like that. i didn’t get to see all of the exhibits which i regret, but i remember a few notable projects. one was an installation made with keyboards that randomly clicks, but when you hold your phone up it’ll stop. it’s made using 3d gestures. there’s also one at a gallery for surveillance, this team had a thing they call facebox, and it’s literally a box, that when you open it has a webcam that would capture your face, find you on facebook, and print out an invoice/receipt on how much you have earned for this giant tech company.  what else...an AR project that when you scan a food,  it shows you where the food comes from. nat said that she would love it if menus have something they could scan and then have pictures appear in ~holographic~ format, or maybe in the nearer future something on your phone that shows you a picture of the picture of the food. but isn’t it a surprise tho? sometimes the fun’s in the surprise, you read the description, you know what are the foods you’ll eat, leaving room to imagine or be surprised by how the chef puts it together! anyway, went for dinner with nat and jenny - got vegan shwarma (definitely wasn’t worth $14) and went to get crepes with will after. 

wednesday we were gonna go to the dmv but we weren’t prepared. nat also needed to get her passport and she was lazy. wow the number of times i mentioned her, it feels like she’s my boyfriend at this point. talked to famz, sister, and beatrix. am currently considering if i should even go to beijing or just go straight home. fuck. went to bobst for work but no one was there i was just really sleepy. viewed an apartment at 55 morton (it’s a nice quiet residential street that seems to be tucked away from the loud cars and bars and people) then i went to f45 again-varsity!!! cardio!!!, walked across brooklyn bridge (a little regret although i wanted to walk, but my bag was heavy and there were too many tourists to brisk walk) 

also the reason for this is that after my soba/miso/salad/shrimp dinner last night i was just watching a bunch of netflix shows and it was probably the caffeine from puerto rican roasting company - the barista made me a chai cappuccino with almond milk (3 SHOTS!!!)

me and nat couldn’t sleep, i really think i slept for an hour. i watched so many different shows, yoko and john’s documentary, while we were young, anthony bourdain, i was seriously flipping through all the shows and alternating between amazonprme and youtube and netflix and i even tried watching peaceful cuisine and making the brightness lower and had the sleep mode on and wow i just couldn’t sleep

so yeah the birth of this word vomit 

i am going to create more things

[tumblunni]

Hhhh bunni legs pain accomplishment day

I HAVE FINISHED THE SHOPPING OF HELL

Tfw u only get paid 4 days before christmas and have to rush everything aaaa

It was bad enough today so i'm so glad i got it done before it got even more busy!

Misc boring essentials i bought for myself: new phone charger cos broken, new trousers cos i spilt hair bleach on my only two pairs, new shoes cos my left shoe literally snapped in half down the middle like wtf even happened there, cheap pink hair dye from a discount store cos i wanna try different colours but in a thrifty way

Now for EXCITING CHRISTMAS PRESENT TIME!!!!

First off SO MANY pc and xbox 360 games from Every Charity Shop In Cardiff, St Mellons, Rumney and Llanrumney. My sis has been trying to find some games to play but was like 'dont worry about it i can just wait til the charity shop gets something good'. So i thought i'd get some stocking stuffers via all the charity shops on my side of town. By our powers combined we will blitz the entire vale of glamorgan's discount gaming scene!!! I found SO MANY good stuff for £1/£2/£3 like holy shit i love when charity shops dont know the proper price for shit XD

speaking of which i also found a WEBCAM for £2! If its that cheap it probanly isnt great but itd still be fun to play around with! :D and the same store also had an old vintage G1 My Little Pony coffee mug in excellent condition. Oh god the nostalgia! My support worker gave me a lift to llanrumney so i had to awkwardly explain why i had an armful of weird 80s mugs and big teary eyes!

Speaking of vintage, i found this new vintage toys and games shop in cardiff called Galactic Attic! The name hooked me in and then they actually DID have pokemon inside! As well as all sorts of stuff ranging from 40s to 90s, wow! There was even a lil pile of old 90s gaming magazines in the corner, covered up by a bunch of boxes. I'm glad i noticed them! I got the announcemt issues for pokemon diamond pearl and platinum in a weird old pokemon fan magazine that i loved as a kid. Im kinda sad that nowadays we just have one official magazine fpr each console and not the wild madness of amateaur journalists failing horribly to get news from japan. Shame they didnt have Beckett Pokemon cos that one was infamous fot drawing its own terrible interpretations of pokemon sprites to avoid copyright. And speaking of terrible, they even had bootleg pokemon!! I talked to the cashier and he was like "you know those are fake right" and i was like "yeah its so nostalgic thats why i want em" and he was like "lol yeah they actually sell pretty well so i'm not mad my supplier ripped me off". It was a pretty good and awesomely terrible fake at the same time? There was this exact replica of some japanese display stand for the product and then the actual pokeball toys looked perfect BUT the mini pokemon inside were.. Really not. I am so damn happy with the surprise inside my one, surprise inside has never been more accurate! I can't take a picture now cos my phone is charging but REGICHEETO. Just..just imagine that, and whatever you're imagining it is probably worse. I love it so fuckin much. Also less hilariously there were some bootleg mini pika plushies with actually (as far as i can tell) their own unique design? They have cute lil winter scarves and an art style that reminds me of the Magical Pokemon Adventure manga. A really cute and good bootleg that i would have loved to see as a real product! The only way you can even tell its a bootleg is because there's no marking on the tail. I dunno, maybe if i still have some brown fabric in the cupboard i could fix it? Or maybe its unique tail makes it even more special! I mean there's Cosplay Pikachu with its double tail marking so maybe this is her cousin Accessory Pikachu with no markings? He just likes wearing scarfs and hats and stuff. OMG HE'S THE POKEMON GO EVENT PIKACHU!!!!!!

Along the miscness of finding a few things for myself, i also found: cute lil pokemon pencilcase, kingdom hearts blind bag, cheap copy of Fruits Basket volume 1 cos the new remake is coming out soon and i wanna Get Hype! The KH blind bag was really weird cos i didnt know they now have an entirely different set as well as the keychains i bought before. Its kind of a shame the art style doesnt match cos vexen is only in the keychains, alas! But i do really love these ones! Theyre apparantly made by funko pop but dont have the art style AT ALL, they just look like really accurate versions of the characters in mini form. Its kinda like the 'distance animation' style in steven universe? (Incidentally they also do SU ones but they missed the opportunitu to actually use the distance style, lol) I got a Sora in his kh2 outfit and i'm decently happy with that, its not one i really wanted but its not a bad one either. But i think now i've tried the fun of surprise once i'll just buy the actual ones i want off ebay later. They have roxas in his organization outfit! With a happy smile!!!

Oh oh and then EVEN MORE XBOX GAMES OF THE WILD THRIFT STORE VOID! i managed to find the whole fable series, two assassins creeds, saints row, gta, some misc shooter games and racers that she wanted but i dont know much about, mass effect 2 and ff13. I think maybe one or two others cos i cant fully remember right now. Theyre all in separate bags strewn across the room and my shoulders feel like death so i'll sort through them later.

Aaaand i wrote up like 14 paragraphs more but tumblr didnt save my draft fpr some fuckin reason and now im way too tired to do it again

Briefer summary:

* had a huge horrible panic attack getting stuck in a skyscraper shopping centre clothes place full of screaming and every perfume smell and WHY DO I HAVE TO NAVIGATE THIS HELL MAZE TO FIND THE ESCALATOR and seriously i was my most primal animalistic self and i went full fight or flight on this bitch

* had a lovely time visiting Cool Shop Grandma and rambled the story of how i met her and how we became friends but hhh too tired to rewrite. But anyway today i gave her a christmas pikachu plush as thanks for everything and cos her shop is moving on to its next location soon. She got really teary and gave me a big hug! She's gonna be at a comic con in march so i hope i'm able to go to that and see her again.

* went on a wild goose chase looking for harry potter merchandise and eventually found a gold plated replica of the movie prop version of the time turner and HELL YES my sis will love it!

* rambled about several market stalls that were cool but i can make a separate post about that in the morning when i find their contact details to advertise them

* got a plushie delibird and decided to take selfies with it everywhere to try and fight my social anxiety somehow. We went to a neat lil restaurant and had cheesy fries and a coke float!

* asked for a refund on an item for the first time ever and im proud of myself

* went off on a mystery bus trip to buy a preowned 3ds and pokemon games from a lady in an online preowned stuff facebook group and it didnt go horribly and i am glad! She was really nice and i witnessed A Good And Smart Parenting Moment and man it healed my heart and i wish i'd been raised that way. Again i'll probably ramble about the details later when im less tired, it really touched my heart seriously! And now i have MANY GIFTS FOR SIS!

* in total i was out present shopping from 9am to 8pm and i clicked my shoulder out of its socket for a split second from.all the heavy bags. Now im in a lot of aches and i need a sleeps

The End

[decaytown]

Kat has started a new group: movie night next saturday!!!

Kat has added Sunny to the group!

Kat has added Jenny to the group!

Kat has added Lewis to the group!

Kat has added Noah to the group!

Kat: so… who's in?

Sunny: ya i don't have anything better to do

Kat: :)

Sunny has changed the group title to movie night next saturday!!!! be there or ur a bitch

Lewis: Unfortunately, I believe I have several tasks to attend to Saturday night. The shop has been closed far too often as of late.

Sunny: lol confirmed

Sunny has changed Lewis's name to Bookfucker69!

Bookfucker69: How did you do that? I would appreciate it if you changed my name back.

Sunny: admin rights bitch

Sunny: get some

Jenny: wait

Jenny: how'd you get admin

Jenny: admined?

Jenny: i wanna be one!!

Sunny: ask kat nicely :)

Jenny: ??

Kat has made Jenny an admin of the group!

Jenny: oh

Jenny: FUCK yes

Sunny: youre green now

Jenny: im green now

Kat: okay! jenny do you know if you're free saturday?

Jenny: um maybe! i really wanna!!!!

Sunny: can you type in something like

Sunny: less eye-searing

Noah: hey jenny

Noah: so there's a web comic I think you'll enjoy

Jenny: oh?

  Watching movies with Jenny is easy, because she has, like, twenty years of film to catch up on, so you wind up with a bunch of ‘90s classics that she and Kat have been curating, which is cool. But she has to leave sometime around midnight which leaves you and Kat sitting on opposite sides of the couch that's technically her bed, which is weird enough in itself, but like, man, this sucks. This sucks so much.

“What do you want to watch next?” Kat asks, which is the first thing she's said since you waved goodbye to Jenny. You've just been idly flipping through channels, glancing at Kat out of the corner of your eye, watching as blue light steadily flickers across her face. She isn't looking at you.

“I don't really care,” you say. “I don't wanna watch any more Disney, though. If I have to listen to another princess singing I'll die.”

“Oh,” Kat says. “Um, okay. I'll see what we have, then!”

The door swings open, and you silently thank Jenny for coming back to interrupt whatever the fuck this is, but when you turn around, it's Noah who walks through the entrance.

“Thought you weren't coming,” you say, and he shrugs.

“I had work, but it's not like I was gonna miss movie night with y’all.”

“Get in here,” you say, and you toss a piece of popcorn at him.

“So,” Noah says, planting his hands on the back of the couch, “what're we watching?”

“Um,” you say, and Kat says, “We haven't really decided yet!”

“Cool, great,” Noah says. “I wanna watch a horror movie.”

“Um, I don't know,” Kat says, and Noah sighs and comes around to sit cross-legged on the floor in front of the couch.

“Gimme the remote,” he demands, and Kat hands it down. “We’re gonna be adults about this and scroll through Netflix for the next three hours until we all agree. Also, I want a pillow.”

You throw the pillow at his head, and he's like, ow, fuck, that was uncalled for, and then Kat sits up straighter and says, “What about that one? I hear it's good, it has that one guy in it?”

She’s stopped Noah on a generic-looking romance movie, and you're like, “If I have to see one more heterosexual couple trying to eat each others’ faces I'll leave. Like, really.”

“Okay, that's fine!” Kat says at the same time that Noah says, “I hear it has vampires in it, though?”

“Okay,” you say, because Kat sounds super disappointed and you kind of hate that? “I can do vampires.”

Noah snorts, and he's like, “I bet,” and you throw another pillow at his face as he queues up the movie. It's super generic, actually, and as it turns out, the vampire in question is a dude, so you can't even be interested in a set of sharp teeth. You resign yourself to flicking through your phone and, like, browsing Facebook or something.

The plot is kinda confusing and not that great, from what you can gather through the osmosis of half-watching. The next time you look up, some semblance of a love scene is playing, and you open your mouth to make some kind of joke about how absolutely horny the producers were. Onscreen, the male lead drags his hand down his love interest’s pale throat, and your throat closes up and –

and you can't breathe.

Your heart is pounding so loud that you can't hear the next few lines of dialogue. Kat says something and Noah laughs loudly in response, the sound muffled in your ears. You're nauseous and dizzy, and you clench your fists in your lap, ragged nails digging into your palms hard enough to draw blood, hard enough to hurt, and you need to get out of here, you need to leave, but you're stuck, frozen in place on the couch.

You can't move. You can't move, and then something brushes against your leg, and Kat says, “Sunny? Noah asked if you want more popcorn.”

You must have managed to make some sort of noise in response, because. Kat says, “Sunny?” again, and then: “Are you okay?”

“No,” you grind out in-between gasping breaths.

“Shit,” Noah says, and then things are suddenly very bright. He's standing next to the lamp on the side table, which is way too close and also not helping with the fact that you can't breathe and you're gonna die. The noise of the television has stopped for now, the picture frozen.

“What's wrong?” Kat asks. Your vision is blurry, wavering in and out, but you can imagine the worried crease between her brows.

“I don't know,” you manage. “I don't – I –”

“Aw, dude,” Noah says. “You're having a panic attack.”

“Feels like I'm dying.” Your voice sounds tinny and far away. Nothing is real. Your hands belong to someone else, probably?

“Yeah, um, that happens!” Kat says. “It'll pass, I promise.” There's the sudden pressure of a hand on your shoulder and you flinch away, pressing into the side of the couch cushions. “Alright, that's fine! I won't touch you.”

“Hey,” Noah says. “Hey, look at me for a. minute.” You raise your eyes to meet his. “Do me a favor and try to breathe, okay?”

“I can't, I – it’s like –” You loosely grip the fabric of your shirt, like it'll ease the band of pressure around your chest. “I can't.”

“Okay, what do you need? We can give you some more space.”

“I need, I – I need to leave. I want to be alone,” you manage, clenching your fists harder. Ten bright spots of pain. “Please.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Noah says at the same time that Kat says, “I really don't think that's a good idea?” They have some sort of quiet, whispered exchange above you as you curl farther into yourself, squeezing your eyes shut in an attempt to banish the images flooding your mind. You don't want to think about it. You don't want to think about it.

You don't –

You don't know when, or if it stops. The buzzing in your head doesn't subside, just gets quieter and quieter, leaving you shivering in a ball on the couch. Uncurling yourself from the tense ball you'd formed takes more energy than it should, and your muscles ache as if you've been in a fight, so you kind of shakily drag yourself back into a sitting position.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” That's Kat. Oh, fuck, that's Kat.

You try really hard to say that you're fine, you're super great now actually and you would love if you could leave right now immediately, but that's clearly not happening, because you. open your mouth and immediately double over with a choked half-sob. You hate this. You hate this, you hate this, you hate this.

“Um, not good, then?” You shake your head no, like, what does it look like? “It's okay! That was probably, um, pretty intense? So it might take a second for you to start feeling better.”

Clearly it's taking more than a second, but you take a shaky breath, try to steady your hands. “God. Okay.” Your voice wavers on the last word, and you press the heels of your palms against your eyes, rub so hard that you see stars. When the fuck did were you crying this much? “God. Sorry. I just – I don't really know –” Your voice cracks again, and you bite your lower lip to keep it from wobbling. You hate this.

“Well, you don't have to apologize, dude.” Noah emerges from – you guess the kitchen? You really have not explored enough of the house to know where shit is. He's walking towards you like a normal person, at a normal pace, but your heart skips a beat anyways, because apparently you're being anxious about this now! Why the fuck not?

If Noah notices, he doesn't say anything, just awkwardly pats you on the shoulder and tries to hand you something. It's only after he says, “Here, you should probably drink this,” that it registers that he's offering you a mug.

You take it with both hands, since you're not feeling incredibly steady at the moment. “What is it?”

“Just water.” There's a pause, and then he adds, “We're out of clean cups. Also, if you want anything else to drink, let me know. We have… hotttt water?” He sits cross-legged on the floor beneath you again, leaning back on his arms. “Also probably coffee, but you can't have that because it's mine, and also because I don't want to be responsible for killing you.”

That's, like, a lot of information at once, so you cautiously sip at the water. It's shockingly cold – Noah put in a few ice cubes, and you're not sure why that touches you so much – and it doesn't bring you all the way back down, but it helps. You only kind of want to peel all the skin off your body now.

“Thanks,” you remember to say as you set the mug down with still-trembling hands. “I'm – I didn’t mean to, I don't know what – That sort of came out of nowhere?” You scrub at your face, suddenly exhausted.

“Have you had panic attacks before?” Noah asks.

“No,” you say, and then amend it to, “Not that I can remember.” Noah’s like, the fuck? and you shrug. “The past few years have been really fuzzy? I mean, there were – after I escaped, I had – similar things,” you say hesitantly. “But that was, like, it was a clarity issue? And my clarity is – it's fine.”

“Really,” Noah says skeptically, and you curl the fingers of your left hand into a fist, hiding the healing puncture wound from that one time where you stabbed yourself and then killed a guy and your clarity was just so good.

“Really,” you say.

“Can I ask,” Kat says. The beginnings of a headache are throbbing painfully at your temples, but you turn to look at her anyways. “Did something, um… Was there a particular trigger? Like, something we can avoid next time?”

You –

(you can't move you are frozen in place / His hand trailing down your neck / thumb resting on your windpipe long talons curling around your throat / precious you are precious do you see how delicate you are? how beautiful it is to be so delicate / you choke on flowers.)

“No,” you say tersely. You swallow back bile.

Kat's going on about, like, okay if you're sure but just know that we'll accommodate anything it really isn't a problem just let us know! and, unbidden, tears spring to your eyes. You feel like shit, still shaky and nauseous and awful, shivering under a cold sweat. It's too cold suddenly, and you fold inward on yourself, rocking back and forth, arms wrapped around your churning stomach as Kat speaks. You want –

Well, what you want has never mattered.

Kat actually notices and stops mid-sentence, touches your shoulder lightly to get your attention. “Um, are you cold? I can get a blanket.”

The thought of being trapped under a heavy blanket is very unappealing right now, so you just shake your head miserably.

“You sure? I'm, like, the king of pillow mountain down here, I'm sure I can spare a few if you want,” Noah says.

Kat’s half-kneeling next to you, her hand hovering just above your shoulder, and you unconsciously lean into the touch, then jerk back, because she 0% wanted that, what the fuck were you thinking?

Kat's silent for a long second, and then she says, “Do you want… Is it okay if I touch you?”

If you open your mouth, you're gonna say something embarrassing, like oh my God please, so you just shrug listlessly. Kat waits another beat before wrapping an arm around your shoulders, tugging you towards her so you're kind of leaning against her side, knees drawn up to your chest.

“Is this okay?” she asks.

“Yeah,” you say hoarsely, your head coming down to rest against her shoulder. She’s very, very still, her thumb rubbing tiny circles into your upper arm, and the tension slowly begins to bleed out of your body. It's easier to think about it now, listening to Kat’s rhythmic breathing with your eyes squeezed tightly shut.

“Um,” you say, and Kat’s motions pause for a second. “I don't – In general, I don't really have – like, these things don't bother me anymore, you know?”

“That is… not how any of this works,” Noah says.

It's easier to talk about it when you don't have to look at either of them, and the words just keep tumbling out. “And it's stupid, it's so completely stupid, because, like – there's worse shit, you know? I've done worse shit, I do it so that this doesn't happen, yknow?”

“I really don't.”

“Like.” Your hands curl into fists. “Like, in the movie. When he touched her. I – my keeper –”

“You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to,” Kat says.

You shrug minutely. “I don't really care? Like – I used to let shit happen to me so it wouldn't bother me anymore, and it shouldn't, right? Everyone's all, Sunny, why do you fuck men if you’re a lesbian? And it's like, glamour, yeah, but also so I'm not scared anymore? Like, if I can show my brain that I'm in control, then – then…” You swallow hard. “At this point, it's just fucking stupid.”

“Hey,” Noah says. “What the actual fuck? Didn't anybody tell you that exposure therapy is bullshit?”

“I wouldn't say that it's stupid,” Kat says. “It sounds like you have legitimate triggers that you need to work around, because, um, what I think Noah is trying to say is that constantly exposing yourself to triggering things isn't exactly a healthy coping mechanism?”

That's super not what you want to hear, actually! You don't want to be like this forever. It's been two fucking years; you should be at least semi-functional now, but you're not. You don't want this.

You don't even realize what you're doing until Kat says, “Hey, maybe don't do that?” and kind of prizes open your right hand. Your fingers have been clenched so tightly that the cuts in your palms are bleeding again, little dots of red. You brace for the inevitable lecture, but Kat just slides her hand inside yours, preventing you from doing any more damage.

“Dude, we need to get you better methods to ground yourself.”

“Methods to what?”

“Wow, you really did get dumped out here with, like, no coping mechanisms, huh?” Noah says, and Kat is like, Yeah, we live in a society as he jumps to his feet. “Oh! Wait right here, don't move, I'm gonna go get something!”

“Don't think I'm going anywhere,” you say, nestling your head into the crook of Kat’s shoulder. You don't feel like you're gonna pass out and die anymore, which is great, but the panic has been replaced by a bone-deep exhaustion.

Noah skids back into the room a second later, holding a cardboard box of something that rattles in both hands. “Okay! Okay, so, when I used to have panic attacks, back when I was a kid – Scoot over, by the way.” It takes you a second to comprehend the request before you comply; Kat shifts over but doesn't move her arm from your shoulders. You're glad. It's a comforting pressure.

Noah wedges himself between your left arm and the couch cushions. “Anyways. Back then, my therapist taught me how to, like, deal with shit. So when I got anxious –” He produces a black sharpie from the box. “– I drew dicks on myself.”

“Do not draw dicks on me.”

“No, listen! It's a grounding exercise, right? Instead of focusing on what's making you anxious, you have to focus on how you're feeling, what you're feeling. It's a thing!”

“I don't wanna think about what I'm feeling,” you mumble, words muffled into Kat’s shoulder.

“Well, there's your problem, then!” Noah uncaps the marker, but doesn't move, and you realize that he's waiting for your go-ahead.

“Just don't draw any dicks on me.”

“But that's the best part!” Noah whines.

“You may draw a dick… once,” you say.

Noah’s like, “Sick!” and passes a green marker over to Kat, which, like, at least that one's washable? Small mercies.

The marker vaguely tickles as Noah starts drawing something with broad, sweeping lines on the inside of your left forearm. Kat has your right hand, and she's drawing something detailed across your palm. You keep your eyes closed, like, maybe if you try hard enough Noah's thing will work. Also, maybe if you try hard enough, you can take a nap. You're very comfortable right now.

“Wow,” you say. “I'm cured forever. Who knew a magic marker was all I needed?”

“Shut up,” Noah says, the hint of a smile in his voice.

Noah was like, you have to focus on how you're feeeeling, but you don't want to do that, ever, in your life, so you just try to focus on the pressure of your friends’ bodies against yours, try to match Kat’s even breathing. She's warm and solid beneath you, and from where your head is nestled between her neck and shoulder, you can hear her heart beating, way faster than yours.

You're not sure that this is what Noah meant. You don't feel, like, calmer, or less likely to panic, but between the two of them, their touch is solid and real. It's not much, but it's enough to hold onto.

[softboywriting]

Y’all need to know something that’s going on with me right now. I’m making this post in your best interest because I feel like it’s important that other writers and bloggers who follow me should know. If you follow or contact the user ironfurycollector, they are not an honest person and faked their own death to me. 

Okay so I started talking to her in September and it was great. both Shawn fans and she loved my fics. we exchanged a few pics, and we talked about our lives a little bit from time to time. but i started to wonder why she never posted anything on her blog, only liked everything. no big deal. some people just dont reblog a lot. 

then there was some outtake pics she bought that she was gonna email to me and when she sent them they were from her ‘brother’s email. she said something about hers being hacked a while back. now the question is, why not just make a new one? it takes ten seconds. (this email fiasco can be backed up by another trusted friend, more to come on this.) 

it was a red flag but i ignored it and moved on. we talked more and more about shawn and my fics. (side note: some time in December she sent me a pic that her friend recently took but she was in a hoodie and a puffy coat, it’s dead ass summer in AUS rn. NOT coat weather. i mentioned this in the chat but she just moved on to another topic) but then i started getting really suspicious after she entered this relationship with her brother’s best friend. see, it was too perfect, too ‘fic’ like but i just went with it cuz it was interesting and maybe he was this good and i was a sucker for it.

but then it just got over the top. the stories, the details, it just was too much for a first time relationship and the guy/her being only 18-19 years old. 

so at one point he supposedly left a little scavenger hunt of notes around her place when she fell asleep and he had to leave. this was only a week or two into their relationship. pretty unbelievable. so then shes sending me pics of the little riddle notes for her scavenger hunt and the handwriting changed half way thru. also, one of the pics there was a guy’s leg in the pic. and she lied to me and said it was a fake one her brother pranked her with on Halloween. well. i called her on that, asking for a pic of it and she fessed up to lying saying ‘she was embarrassed cuz she couldn't figure out the clues and she had her friend Bradley come over to help her’. which, honestly sure i’d buy but why lie? and how fast did he get there? smells fishy.

moving on. i was confused cuz she said her friend was named Bradley. well. that was also the name on the ‘brother’s email’ she was using. i called her on this. she said they are both Bradley and she calls her brother B. I was iffy. What are the chances. Honestly. 

At this time i called her out and told her i thought she was cat fishing me. and asked to see a pic of her with the notes from the scavenger hunt. which she took forever to send a pic, making up the excuse of being in the bathroom, and they getting dressed but finally did. it appeared she was holding the notes but idk tbh. (in all her pics shes sent it’s clearly the same girl)

Fast forward and she has this wild weekend with her now boyfriend/ brother’s best friend. like so much sex. it’s literally impossible how long they supposedly went and how many times her boyfriend supposedly came. it was just too wild and for her claiming to be a virgin, it was too much and he, being a supposedly 18yr old was way too experienced sounding. seriously. it was like a fic.

so like i asked for a pic of her boyfriend cuz supposedly he’s so shawn like and shit and all i’ve seen was this one generic pic of him (god knows where that came from) and she can’t get any on facebook and blah blah. now i asked several times for pics of this boy (shes with him all the time) but she always had an excuse. always. 

at this point im just so suspicious she’s lying about everything. now her boyfriend is going off for a sports camp thing for a month in the US. shes sad. okay. but then about two days later she says she has some family drama and won’t be available for a few days. im like okay. shit happens.sure. 

she tells her best friend ‘Bradley’ to message me on tumblr so i wouldn’t be lonely. so he had to make a tumblr cuz ‘he just used hers to read your fic’. so im like okay sure. well. while i talked to him i noticed he speaks, types, has the same exact quirks as her. i mean so specifically the same. i use lmao a lot, too much perhaps. and she started using it too cuz we talked all the time, you pick things up from people. but for this guy, whom ive never spoken with and i assume would have their own quirks and way of speaking, to be the exact same is super fishy to me. 

so a few days later she texts me (i have her cell # and have since just after the boyfriend thing started) and shes like saying that she’s not in AUS anymore and that her boyfriend just COULDNT be with out her and paid for a flight to come stay with him for a week in the US while he’s doing his sport thing. Not sure where an 18 year old boy gets money like that let alone how she was staying with him, specially if he was on an exchange program for a school function. red flag. im suspicious. 

so then she says ‘oh its so boring here all day with out him cuz hes at camp for sports” and im like thinking well....you could text me all day or message me on tumblr but you don’t? doesn't make sense. so when i get a chance to talk to her, she says shes heading home soon. and i ask what the family drama was and she says something about her aunt. and i dont remember how it came up but i asked about her living situation back home. cuz previously she’d sent me stuff about living with a roommate but now she was saying she lived with her brother. so i asked. and she said she lives at home but her parents have been away for a while but they just came back and then there was drama with her aunt. like, what? that just didn’t make sense to me at all. she never mentioned moving or anything and always said she lived with her brother (never mentioned parents ever before and also where the fuck would they be for so long??). (also side note, when we first started talking she said she had a horse/pony and his name was Waffles i think and she loved him so much and was always out there with him. never ever heard about this again. ever.)

so here’s the point where i am just done with this and i have a bad feeling and i can’t ignore it anymore. she tells me her boyfriend will be back soon and i should go talk to Bradley about my concept i wanted to tell her about. i told her im not as comfortable talking to him about it cuz it’s not the same. she insists. and then...she calls him Larry. and im like what? who? and she tells me this story how that’s his nickname cuz her mom would call them that when she got mad when they were kids. (that makes no sense) and she called him that since he beat up some guy for her in high school (still makes no sense and now im absolutely done with this not adding up shit) also this whole time ‘Bradley’ hasn’t been on for a day or two. and suddenly as soon as i say goodbye to her. he’s suddenly online. Fishy.

I decide not to talk and i block him to see what happens. nothing happens. so now i decide to take this story to a friend on here who i trust a lot. she tells me to block her and see what happens. see if she notices. a day later and she’s supposed to be home from the US and back in AUS. i get a text, something about a car accident on the way home from the airport. I don’t respond. 

at this point my trusted friend mentions a user randomly contacting her and sending her outtakes in exchange for writing a oneshot a while back. and that the email was weird and ‘fishy’ and ‘from her brothers email.’ low and behold. it’s the same person i’ve been talking to. and she told my trusted friend that she got the pics ‘from her friend’ when she told me should bought them (with what money idk cuz they were expensive $80-$100 per sets and yet she was complaining about bring broke??) 

I go on with my blogging and writing. next day. she doesn't text me. another day and she sends something along the lines of “hope you’re okay i noticed you haven’t been active.” I don’t respond because I want to see if she notices I've blocked her and asks me about it. 

another day passes. 

I don’t get any messages about being blocked, or asking what’s going on or why can’t she see my tumblr, etc. Things that an actual person and normal friend would probably be sending texts about far more frequently than just one or two texts.

so then i get a text today from her cell that says this

which i don’t believe for one second. so i take it to my trusted friend. and she tells me that she has liked a few of her posts since last night. oh. really. blogging from the grave huh? So i ask my trusted friend to message her. to see if she replies. and low and behold:

I’m honestly pissed off and hurt. I called this person my friend. I grew to trust this person and share my days/stories/ideas with them. I have no idea how much is true of what she’s ever told me. I have no idea if she is a real person or another person pretending. But even if all the other stuff that I was iffy on and sent up red flags for me were somehow bizarre truths, this text is a lie. She faked her own death and I am calling her out on this. Because I won’t be friend with a person like this. And I highly suggest no one is because this is wrong and sick.