#i dont know man. i dont even know.

[altschmerzes]

if anyone has cats they would like to send me pics of i would appreciate that a lot i am having a very very fucking weird one right now and don’t really know what to do with myself.

the short version is: my dad died today. the long version is..... probably an absolutely ridiculous overshare but. like i said. don’t know what to do with myself so i’m just. idk im talking out loud i guess, putting this Somewhere. it’s. heavy, sorry.

so the post i made recently celebrating seven years going no-contact with my abusive father who kind of ruined my life in a lot of really serious ways i am likely never really going to completely recover from? yeah. he had a stroke earlier this year that sounded like it was pretty serious and that was a lot to process and then i just got the call from my mom that he had a heart attack while fishing with a friend this afternoon and died. apparently it was fast, which is good. he was fifty-five and i guess he’d just hit two years sober.

my mom sounded really upset on the phone, and i guess she’d only found out less than ten minutes before she called me, she just told my sister, who lives with her, and my sister went off to take a shower (read: have a breakdown in the shower), and then called me immediately and said “your dad died” as soon as i answered with a hey, what’s up. they’d been divorced for twenty years and he was a fucking bastard but i guess your ex-husband and your kids’ dad who you’ve recently been reconnecting with and spending time with again dies and you’re probably gonna have some strong feelings about it. my sister is in pieces, they’d reconnected and were spending a lot more time together. in their text they said ‘i barely got any time with him and i’m fucking heartbroken’.

and because he has no other living relatives my 23 year old sister who is uh, in a fragile state on the best of days, is gonna have to deal with all of the paperwork and shit that happens when someone dies. and my sister and i’s relationship is like.... it’s complicated, to put it politely, they are very hard for me to be around for a lot of reasons, but i wouldn’t wish that on them and i wish i was able to take on that stuff if only because i’m almost through law school and i’m the least emotionally invested in the man and it just would be easier for everyone if i did the paperwork and whatever.

and then there’s my brother, because i have a brother, who i barely talk about because it hurts to think about him. he’s nine years older than me and he’s my half-brother by my dad and after my dad went to prison on drug charges i didn’t see him for thirteen years. and then a long time after a brief visit too. he’s got two kids now, and for a while there we were in sporadic contact, but i haven’t seen or heard from him since i was maybe nineteen. and my mom was just kind of rambling on the phone about how she had to find my brother’s mother’s contact information because someone had to tell him and because i’m all the way out here and i can’t DO anything else i told her i’d find her and tell her what happened and get everyone’s contact information for whatever’s coming next so. now i’ve texted my brother, who is a living wound in my life, for the first time in like six years. he hasn’t answered yet and according to his mother he’s ‘devastated.’ so.

i’m not. i’m not devastated. i don’t know what i feel honestly. once i tracked her down on facebook and dealt with all of that i just sort of sat at the kitchen table and stared at the wall for a long time. listened to the mountain goats song ‘pale green things’ and drifted in a weird numb void. i’m not.... sad. not about him anyway. i don’t know what i am. i have a very difficult time articulating my feelings on a good day, fuck i mean i have a hard time identifying my feelings on a good day. some combination of autism and cptsd and the sense that if i have feelings someone is going to die, maybe me, maybe someone else. if i have feelings, i get someone killed, is the thought process, which is a long story but. is extremely hard to work around, especially when i don’t see the point because taking active steps to make my feelings known and make them something someone else has to deal with is like. what’s the point. why do that.

so i don’t know what i feel. i feel strange and distant and not-sad and kind of angry at my sister and brother for some fucking reason and guilty and resentful and relieved. there’s some relief in there i think, because it’s like. i don’t know. i had the thought earlier, ‘oh thank gd’ which is. it sounds heinous but i now i’ll never have to choose between attending my sister’s wedding and not having to see him there, if i go back to my hometown and feel like there’s a monster stalking me from the shadows i can just tell myself the fucking monster’s fucking dead and he can’t ever hurt me again. nobody in my family is ever going to be able to pressure me to just talk to him already, just move on and let it go. reconcile, forgive, get past it.

(i don’t know how much any of them know. i have never discussed this with my parents or my sister and i never plan to. we’ve talked about some things in vague euphemisms and talked around it even more. when he got out of prison and then when he was done stalking us which he did for a while and got some help i guess and was doing a bit better my sister wanted to reconnect with him and i didn’t. i had panic attacks, i was terrified, i didn’t want anything to do with him and i didn’t want my sister anywhere near him and i remember all my mom had to say to me about that was ‘if it makes you feel any better, i could take him.’ i don’t know what to... i just don’t know.)

i dunno. i don’t know. when i visited my hometown and stayed at my parents’ house (my grandmother’s house, when i say ‘parents’ i mean her and my mom generally) i slept with a knife on my bedside table and a plan of how to get out the window because i’d heard that he’d started dropping by sometimes and i was too scared to sleep otherwise. he terrorized me. i have very few memories from before he went to prison and most of them are of being terrified for my life. of being chased through the house, staying above the garage because for some reason we couldn’t be in the house that night. sexual abuse that i can still barely handle thinking about. he haunts my nightmares regularly, even though i haven’t seen or spoken to him in seven years, didn’t see or talk to him very often before that. i have panic attacks in my sleep dreaming about him, enough that i have to be medicated for it.

he’s a person who was deeply troubled and sick and suffered unimaginably in his life and it’s just.... i know all of that and i just. i don’t know. i hope he’s at peace i guess. i know he never was when he was alive. i know i’m not at peace most of the time, largely because of the shit he did to me. i don’t know. i don’t know. my dad’s dead.

[doomedclockworkdotmp3]

his therapist woulda had a field day at their next appointment

[umblrspectrum]

happy solvermas

[spacizia]

he’s just a swinging space age bachelor man!!!!

[kobebibebi]

snow day/tsot/fantasy au redesigns for my au ✨

im not finished with profiles yet soo ill just put this here 🏃🏃🏃

[turtletoria]

the krampus incident from the book of bill if it was out of character and stupid

[hugs-and-stabbies]

[ Part 2 / 6 ] just two friendless and dateless guys on a Valentine's day night :')

[Link to part 1]

[mipmoth]

Cain instinct strong enough to traverse time and space

[mueritos]

happy pride to all queer children of immigrants

patreon

[itscherryterry-again]

happy 2009 or smth

[jingyismom]

the internet: omg they should give dev patel a romcom!!! romantic lead dev patel!!

dev patel: i am john wick now

[kagoutiss]

dreemurr family physician

[cobaltfluff]

goro picks up a clingy nyakiren

[sunny-knight]

Part 2 of my second favorite potential Forgettable!AU Gaster and Papyrus dynamic 😭😭😭

translation below:

This one is WAY more specific to the Forgettable AU not just Gaster and Papyrus as general characters

Forgettable!Gaster being like GlaDos from Portal…or a goofy grandpa…. hmmm…. EITHER WAY, whether these options of not, i’m gonna love it I just know it

I made an animation about this sorta dynamic a bit ago,

IM SOOO CURIOUS how Gaster feels about Papyrus cause honestly idk how id feel. Plus idek how aware of…normal things, Gaster is right now. Like emotions. And…opinions.

I think this dynamic has a lot of potential but also so does everything. Like he just H A T E S him so much for “replacing” him

Final boss moment vs therapy session moment CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER FOR THE FINALE OF FORGETTABLE AU!!! or ofc theres always the secret 3rd option of I am completely wrong. Thats my favorite cause when I read it I need to pause for like 30 seconds longer than I normally do….

ALSO GANG WHOS SO EXCITED FOR THE DECEMBER/WINTER NEWSLETTER????? FINGERS CROSSED FOR ANOTHER PAPYRUS QNA!!!!!!!

[slumbering-shadows]

Underrated bit in Psych is that sometimes for no discernable reason at all the weird old priest that gus is in love with shows up to rescue them from situations

[tectco]

I was thinking about Husk's love for magic tricks and was like haha magician husk! and i remembered there's magician assistants and i mean,,,Angel's right there sooooo

i whipped up magician and assistant huskerdust