#it was just a monthly suicide attempt

[gayhenrycreel]

fuck... even though i got my injection at the right time i feel angry and like ive been stabbed in the guts. its hard to walk

[queenie-avenue]

There's no solution for whatever this was.

💌 ⤻ THE ACADEMIC RIVAL, SEO MIN-JUN

—> when you come crashing into his life, his focus for his studies are lost.

⤻ reader is gender neutral, reader's race is not mentioned but it does take place in korea, stalking, obsession, slightly suggestive, possessiveness, stealing, damage to personal, slightly suggestive, property, encouraging suicide, mentions of academic stress and korea's expectation for its students, inspired by @moyazaika 's academic rival yandere (go check the fic out, it's amazing), a drabble for now but I will be posting longer fics of him

🦋 ⤻ archives.

In Korea, students are shown to be almost always studying. Many news outlets have covered multiple schools and how much pressure Korean students are going through with their studies. It's difficult, no one can deny it. Yet, some of these students just find it normal, they view studying as perhaps their only form of control they have in their world.

One of those such students is Seo Min-Jun, a student belonging to a prestigious private high school. Someone who is in his final year of high school, soon to graduate and take his university exams. Top of his class, the son to a minister in Korea's government and a rather popular film actress, and the president of the student council. He was destined for success once he graduated.

The moment he crawled out of his mother's womb, his fate was paved for him in gold.

That was, until you — the sweet scholarship student — showed up.

✧ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ✧

At first, he didn't understand you. Both of you were literally in your last year of school, but you waltzed in like you owned the place. At least, from his perspective. He thought you bland. After all, you got in from a scholarship. You may be smart, but were you as rich, or was your status in society as high as him? It didn't matter, he still viewed you as below him and didn't pay much attention to you, relegating his secretary in the student council to give you a tour of the elite private school that you should honestly be honoured to step your grimy shoes all over.

Sure, he'd never say these things out to you or anyone else in public. After all, he was still a model student, and he was taught to act humble. Key word: act.

He honestly didn't take an interest in you till he saw your name, above his, on the monthly test evaluations.

"What?" He muttered out, not believing his eyes. In almost every damn subject, you managed to score higher than him. He was almost always one mark off from you. His eyes shot to you, the you who stood there in your crisp and cut uniform on the other side of the crowd, looking up at the papers pressed onto the walls with a look of pride. What was that look of pride for?

Pride, something that existed strongly in almost every culture, and you had just ruined his.

Your life was never the same afterwards.

Letters of hatred piled in your shoe locker. They ranged from being written like some crazed man worshipping your feet like you were a god to someone who wanted to see you hop off the building of your school. The handwriting was typically crazed, but you could recognise whose handwriting it was solely because the both of you were in the same class.

As usual, the school board did nothing to help with that. And when you tried to accuse Min-Jun, the teachers especially scolded you for attempting to defame the student council president.

It got so bad that your things were going missing too, your homework — which the teachers unreasonably scolded you for even if you were user sure you placed it in your bag this morning — and then your notes too. Technically, they did return. They just returned torn up, and some were even burnt with mysterious stains on them.

One day, you couldn't take it anymore after receiving a death threat, and you stormed to the student council office, knowing that if you went to the general office, they'd turn you away again.

You would take matters into your own hands.

✧ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ✧

When Min-Jun first saw you enter the room, he was left breathless. Your blushed cheeks from running all the way here, no doubt, the way your uniform crumpled, his mouth was almost drooling. No, no. He refused to let himself lust over you in such a manner that you were a rival, for goodness sake! Not some... potential love interest. Though that thought did pique his interest but he pushed it down with any other thoughts he had about his rival.

"I can't take it anymore." You said, which shocked him. Was someone bullying you? Only he could do that! "I know it's you. I've seen your handwriting on tests before, I just know you're the one who's been planting those notes and stealing my things." You accused your one-sided academic rival.

He didn't bother to defend himself. What was the point? His family would protect him, the school would protect him, and most importantly, the student body would rip them to shreds if they ever tried to act out against him. He knew how cruel students could be. After all, he had seen all the outcasts almost drowned inside toilet bowls by bullies multiple times.

He could not have that. Having you tortured would mean he would not be able to have a proper rival. As much as he disliked you for being in his way, he preferred to keep things... somewhat fair.

"And your proof?" He inquired.

"I have all those notes stored in my bag." You hissed.

For some reason, the thought of you keeping those notes made his heart beat faster. Were you a freak like him too? Did you have such sinful thoughts just like him? You broke his twisted fantasy with your next words, though.

"I don't understand why you're doing this to me. It's- it's," you struggled to find a word for his disturbing actions, "ceaselessly cruel!" You finally exclaimed.

Cruel? What was cruel were your actions, driving him mad, making him lose focus on his work. Who were you to call him cruel when you made him like this?

He got up from his seat and approached you, causing you to fall back, landing on the couch that you swore was not there when the entered the student council room. Taking this chance, he pinned you against the seat, taking in every part of your body, your face, your eyes... everything. God, you were so perfect but so infuriating. Just why did you have to confront him?

"Are you that fucking naive to think that when you present the school with your proof, they'll do anything about it for you? That they'll go against me and my family for the sake of defending the poor scholarship student?" He hissed, grabbing your face harshly as you whimpered. He wished the circumstances of your whimpers were different; in his bed rather than on the couch of the student council office. Still, that did breed intriguing fantasies into his mind. "You think they'll do that for you?" He repeated.

"I-" you started, but you had no idea how to end.

"Exactly." He let go of you, almost smacking your head to the other side as he straightened himself, readjusting the blazer of his uniform.

"You should get used to the circumstances of your situation." He said which only made you shudder. "Let yourself out." He said cooly as he exited the student council room, "I trust you'll keep this meeting a secret." He said with an air of finality before sauntering casually towards the male bathrooms where he promptly slammed the door shut and sat on the toilet seat, practically fuming.

That look on your face, the scrunch of your nose, the furrowing of your eyebrows. You were so unfair! He could practically feel all his blood flush downwards as he thought of you.

Now that you knew he was the culprit, what would you do?

It didn't matter.

He would find ways to pester you and find ways to mark you as someone who could not be touched by anyone else other than him.

"I left another note in your bag. You should look at it. Or else."

[maaarine]

My PMDD hell: why I went abroad to have my ovaries removed (Sarah Gillespie, The Times, Nov 27 2024)

"For six years, from my late twenties, I have lived with a condition called premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or PMDD.

Due to a genetic quirk, I have a brain sensitivity that makes my body intolerant to its own hormonal changes.

Instead of becoming moody and irritable, as with PMS, I become catatonic and racked with pain.

Dysphoria blooms in my brain, making me depressed and paranoid. I binge on carbohydrates, needing 3,000 calories a day just to function.

This happens for 7-14 days every month, during the latter half of my menstrual cycle, as hormone levels plummet.

On the third day of my period, the fog lifts and I feel normal again. But relief is soon replaced by dread as I survey the destruction.

There are relationships to repair, overdue bills to pay and excess pounds to lose.

It is the life of Sisyphus: every month, I roll the boulder up the mountain only for it to roll down again. (…)

PMDD is surprisingly common and, according to World Health Organisation data, affects 5.5 per cent of women of child-bearing age — about 824,000 women in the UK.

Of these, more than a third have attempted suicide. Yet hardly anyone’s heard of it.

No one knows the cause, either, though scientists generally agree that it’s genetic — hence why psychological therapies can’t fully fix it.

It was only in 2019 that the WHO added PMDD to its international classification of diseases and related health problems (ICD-11), legitimising it as a medical diagnosis (though there are still medical professionals who dispute its existence). (…)

After diagnosis, women with PMDD are put onto a ladder of treatments ranked from least to most invasive.

But as the body ages and hormones become more erratic, PMDD gets progressively worse.

So even when I found a rung on the ladder that worked, I never got to rest there for long.

First, there were lifestyle changes: diet, weight training, high-intensity interval training (HIIT).

Then supplements: chasteberry, evening primrose, magnesium, calcium, L-tryptophan, vitamin B6. Then antidepressants: fluoxetine, sertraline, citalopram.

Then contraceptives: Evra, Yasmin, Eloine. Finally, there was HRT: Utrogestan, Estradot, Estraderm.

I climbed that ladder for five years. Only HIIT and fluoxetine worked, for about nine months each; the rest worked for two months, if at all. (…)

After all this, only one rung was left on the ladder — one with a 96 per cent satisfaction rate, the closest thing to a cure.

This last-resort treatment is a bilateral salpingo oophorectomy: the surgical removal of both ovaries and fallopian tubes.

Upon their removal, all hormone fluctuations would stop, my hormone levels would drop to almost zero and I would enter menopause.

I would need to take hormone replacement therapy (HRT) until my fifties or risk the early onset of osteoporosis, heart disease and dementia. It would also make me infertile. (…)

Getting approved for surgery on the NHS requires a trial period in a reversible “chemical” menopause: monthly injections that would shut down my ovaries, end my suffering and “prove” that I had PMDD.

That was the idea, anyway. Instead, the injections threw my hormones into chaos, resulting in a PMDD episode that lasted for 11 months.

Deprived of even the monthly breaks in my symptoms, I languished in bed.

My attention shattered; I spent countless days scrolling my phone. I gulped down painkillers and sleeping pills like Skittles.

My finances were collapsing. I gained more than two stone in weight.

“It should be working by now,” the gynaecologist said after three months. “Have you tried eating more vegetables?”

The next gynaecologist was no better. “If it hasn’t worked, that suggests it’s not PMDD,” she said. “I should probably refer you to a psychiatrist.”

After months of my pleading, she agreed to write to the surgeon. But her letter was an act of sabotage.

“Sarah has diagnosed herself with PMDD,” she wrote, ignoring my GP’s diagnosis.

“She is on many help groups and accessing a lot of support from other PMDD sufferers online.” In other words: “This hypochondriac is spending too much time on the internet.”

Yes, I was on the internet, but I wasn’t talking to help groups any more.

Instead I’d been digging into scientific papers to find studies on chemical menopause.

Eventually, I found one — a meta-analysis of five clinical trials published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.

It stated that chemical menopause treats PMDD in “upwards of 70 per cent” of cases — but not 100 per cent, as the NHS doctors had said.

The International Association for Premenstrual Disorders (IAPMD) backs this up.

On its page on chemical menopause it says, “In rare cases [chemical menopause] does not fully suppress the cycle and there are breakthrough symptoms… If this was the case, you may still respond well to surgical menopause.”

Two months later, I was in Lithuania. Feeling desperate and unable to afford the £10,000 it would cost for private surgery in the UK, I had googled “gynaecology surgery Europe”.

This led me to Nordclinic in Kaunas, which treats about 2,000 British patients annually.

I sent my medical records to the surgeon, who agreed to perform the surgery. (…)

Though it’s early days, I still can’t believe how well I feel. My future unfurls before me without interruption.

I have so much time: time to write, to see friends and family, to travel, go on dates, paint and sing and read and run.

Time to cook, as I can now handle knives without fear. Time to sit and do nothing and burst out laughing from sheer wonder — for life without PMDD is so, so wonderful and I will forever be grateful for it.

That said, I still need to reckon with all the time taken from me over the past six years.

My trust in our healthcare system is broken and will probably never be restored.

I need to kick away the crutches — food, phone, pills, alcohol — that have held me up and rediscover better ways to cope.

But this time, I don’t need to keep starting again and again and again every month.

Yes, the scars are still red and raw. But by next summer, they’ll be gone."

[romana-after-dark]

The Wrong Way: Chapter 1

Raider!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Raider!Tommy Miller x Fem!Reader

DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT

Chapter 2

Summery: You are sold to Joel to clear up some of your fathers' debts, and he takes you back to his house where him, Tommy, and high ranking members of his raiding trope stay. Joel is mean, cruel, and hash, but had small moments of softness that confuse you in your venerable state. Over time, you get to know him and Tommy, and see different sides of each, an both are hiding secrets. Was it possible to fall in love under these circumstances? Or was that just another way Joel was fucking with you?

WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. Blow Jobs, PIV sex, lose of virginity, sex trafficking, past incest, death/people dying everywhere, Stockholm syndrome, falling for your rapist, victim blaming, torcher, branding, physical abuse, attempted sexual assault (not Joel), somno, self-harm/depression/suicidal thoughts (not a lot)but fair warning, major age gap

This is a reader fic, reader is early 20's, Joel is 40's at this point, reader is small enough that the men can lift her, but these are strong men. Reader is also refered to as little one, little girl ETC, but that's more in reference to her age/innocence than physical size.

*******************

The first time you met Joel Miller was a flurry of events.

“C’mon Joel, I don’t have it this time but I promise, next month its yours”

Jaimie, your dad, stood in front of Joel, who was unarmed but guarded by his group of fellow raiders who had guns pointed at Jaimie and his men. “Next time you’ll owe me nearly double, I’m tired of waiting, I got a reputation to uphold.”

Jaimie owed Joel money, and a lot of it. The amount of land Joel controlled was expansive, a damn near kingdom at this point that FEDRA didn’t bother with since it was so far out in the middle of nowhere. Joel and his gang of raiders made a near Viking-like living out here. You could either pay Joel monthly with small amounts of food or resources and in return you have a modicum of protection from him and other raiders as Joel’s men patrolled areas under their control, or Joel just raids you and takes everything you have. Easy enough choice. Problem was, if Joel’s men raided your farm or town, in general, they didn’t kill you if you didn’t try to fight. However, if he didn’t get what he expected from you, he was none too thrilled about using his men's resources to protect people who weren’t paying, and that debt could easily end up with someone dead, and that’s how Joel came to your dads house.

“Fine” Joel grumbled, turning to one of his men, a tall redhead. “Kill him”

“Wait!” Your dad shouted, and Joel held up a hand to stop the gunman.

“I’m listening”

“I have a daughter” Jaimie offered.

Joel narrowed his eyes at that. “You think I need help getting my dick wet?” He began to turn to the red haired man again, when your dad shouted the words that really piqued Joel’s interest.

“She’s a virgin!”

Jaimie continued, motioning for one of his men to get you from where you were hiding in the hall. “You can have your way with her, as long as you want, knock off some of what I owe you, and next month I’ll have the rest, unless of course you want her again.”

You’re pulled in before the two groups, and had the distinct feeling you were on display.

A man to the right of Joel, looking a little younger than him but only by a few years, with longer, dark hair, finally spoke. “You pimping out your own daughter?” He said with disgust.

Your dad glared at him. “Judge me all you want, Tommy, not all of us have powerful family to protect us” he turned back to Joel.

Joel held out a hand, stopping the interaction, then turned to you. His gaze was intense, focussed, harsh, and you couldn’t help but be afraid. You were used to this, of course, your dad using you as a bargaining tool, bad men who had used you and hurt you, leaving bruises and scars that were visible even from where Joel stood, but Joel was different, Joel was powerful, Joel was a cold blooded killer, and was not someone you wanted to upset or god forbid disappoint when he took you; you might end up with a bullet in the head if he wasn’t happy with a blowjob. 

Joel scanned you, taking in your body and no doubt the marks that littered your skin. “You let them do that to her?” He referenced the bruises.

Your dads hands were still raised. “Other men have used her mouth, but nothing other than that. Some men just want to toss her around, rough her up a bit, get themselves off like that, but you’d be the first inside her.”

“Joel.” The younger man spoke with a warning. “Don’t”

“I’ll do damnwell whatever I please” Joel grumbled, turning to your dad. “Mouth only, I’ll see if she’d worth buying more off after that.”

Jaimie nodded. “Sure! You can rough her up too, if you want, that’s extra, of course-”

“Shut up, I’ll decide the price when I’m done with her.” Quickly, Joel strode over to you and hanked you out of the other man’s grasp, half-dragging you to another room, your dad calling out to you not to mess this up.

Joel grabs you by the neck and shoves you to your knees, the cold, hard floor stinging against your kneecaps. You try your best to suppress the shaking fear inside you and play good little whore, reaching up to undo his belt buckle but Joel smacks your hands away, yanking you by your hair to look at him.

“Listen to me, sweetheart.” Despite the pet name, his tone was harsh and condescending. “I don’t need you to do anything, you’re just a warm, wet hole for me to get off with, got it?”

You nod.

“Just stay still and this will be over soon enough. Hands behind your back, now.” He demanded and you did as you were told, holding both your hands behind you and opening your mouth.

Joel took his cock out, and an involuntary whimper escaped you; you’d never been with a man this big, and if he liked you, he was supposed to deflower you? How was all that supposed to fit?

Joel must’ve seen the fear in your eyes. “I’ll start slow, but after that, I ain’t taking it easy on you, little girl.”

You nod quickly, thankful for even small mercies. 

Joel kept his word, sliding into you slowly, carefully, pausing when you gag, and allowing you to adjust when his full length was inside. Tears pricked at your eyes, it hurt so bad, but you needed to do good. If Joel didn’t like you, whatever you dad would do as punishment would be way worse than this.

He pulled himself all the way out, and told you to take a breath. “This is where the fun begins”. When he thrust his dick inside you, you heaved so hard that if you had eaten anything, you would’ve thrown up all over him, spit spilling out of your mouth mixed with stomach bile, your scalp stinging from his painful grip on your hair.

“Fuck yeah, gag on it” You can hear him say above you, and it’s not like you have a choice, continuing to make a mess on him and yourself, the drool dripping down your chin.

“Such a pretty little mouth” he grunts with each thrust. “Wonder what that tight little cunt would feel like.” You can’t help but whimper, knowing how much it would hurt to feel Joel stretching you open. His breathing becomes heavier. “Don’t know if I can have you just once, princess, just look at you…” His fingers entangled themselves deeper into your hair, holding you still as he fucked your face. “Might just have to keep you, be my little pocket pussy to use whenever I want, you want that? Hm?” When you don’t respond, you keep your eyes tightly closed, as the pain in your throat grows.

Joel huffs a laugh when you don’t respond, not that you could say much of anything either way. “Well, you don’t really have much of a choice. But wouldn’t it be better? Only me? No more random men? Of course, I’d fuck you, be the first one inside you…” His pace was faltering, imagining breaking you open, your blood on him… “Fuck!” Joel cums in your mouth with no warning, and you begin to cough and choke, cum and spit falling out of your mouth and he pulls you off him by your hair, throwing you to the ground. 

You lay there, heaving and coughing, face covered in spit, tears and cum and maybe a little blood, your throat burns and your just want to curl up and cry, but Joel is pulling you up. “Let's go” he’s yanking you around again, and you stumble to the door, feeling somewhat like a rag doll. Before opening, however, Joel stops, wiping his sleeve roughly on your face. “Can’t let them see what a pretty mess you make, princess.”

When he pulled out outside, where it seems the tensions hadn’t eased, Joel announces he’s taking you.

Your dad immediately protests, and for a moment you think he might actually care about you, until he gives his reason, being that he sells your mouth for extra money, and Joel can’t take that away from him.

“I’ll wipe your debts clean” Joel isn’t even looking at him, yanking you to where his men had loaded resources onto their horses.

“But that’s-”

“And the next three months free.”

Your dad seemed to recognize that Joel wanted you, and tried to trade for more and Joel hoped on his horse, never letting go of your arm. Effortlessly, he reached under your arms and pulls you up onto the horse, and you suddenly realize the weight of the predicament. Joel was taking you, and you weren’t coming back. He was going to fuck you until he was tired of you, then throw you away, if he doesn’t kill you. You were never going to see your friend or your brother again.

“Joel, come on, she’s my only daughter” You dad tried one more time, and you begin to squirm in Joel’s lap, wanting out. “She’s worth a little more than that, untouched.”

“Dad, please, don’t”

Joel wraps an arm around you and points a gun at your dad's head. “Three months, and I don't blow your brains out right now.”

Raising his hands, Jaimie backs down, giving up.

“Lets go” Joel says to the younger man from before, and turns his horse around.

You hear your name called from the house, and turn to find your brother running outside. 

“ZACH!” You scream for help, the fight in you kicking in, desperately trying to get out of Joel’s arms. The horse takes off, and you turn to see Zach getting on his own and starting after you and your dad telling him to stop.

Turning around, in one movement, Joel turns your head into his chest to cover your ears, and shoots.

You scream, and turn to see your brother fallen off the horse, laying still.

The first time you saw Joel Miller, he fucked your face, bought you, kidnapped you, and killed your brother in a span of ten minutes.

“One stop princess, then we can go home, and you get to be my little toy.” Joel spoke, his breath hot in your ear, as if he was your husband taking you home after a wedding, not the man who just uprooted you from everything you know.

The stop, as it turned out, took 2 hours to get to, and you were exhausted and in shock by the time you, the younger brunette and the redhead separated from the group. Joel had tied up your arms in front of you, not that you could escape even if you tried. Joel was much stronger than you. You were nearly nodding off, Joel’s hold on you keeping you upright, the adrenaline rush leaving you bone tired, when you heard a woman’s voice.

“You trafficking girls now, Joel?”

You open your eyes wearily to find a woman on a horse with two others flanking her, she had dark skin and her hair was in braids, eyeing Joel with disgust.

Joel’s hand ran across the top of your chest, closer to your collar bone but enough to make your whimper. It was a display, more than anything, meant to get a rise out of the woman. “What would you do if I was?”

“Not much I can do, it seems.” She seethed.

“Relax, Maria. Her dad was the one was selling her, I bought, she’s staying with me.”

You were dreary, unable to keep your eyes open, only listening to the voices.

“And that’s supposed to be better?”

You could feel Joel shrug. “Maybe, maybe not. But she’s not getting passed around like she was at her dads. We ain’t making a habit of it, if that makes you feel any better.”

Joel motioned the redheaded man over, who Joel referred to Nick. “Take her, just up the hill there, out of earshot, but where I can see her. Do. Not. Touch.”

Falling asleep against your best attempts to stay awake, you feel yourself getting picked up and handed off into another's arms. Over the next few hours, you were in and out of sleep, unable to fully rest but unable to stay away either. Passed back to Joel, who you only knew was him from the smell of his leather jacket, and another long ride for god knows how long, you finally awaken when Joel passes you down from the horse and into the brunette man’s arms before climbing down and reclaiming you. You felt like an object they just passed around as needed, no regard for you. You open your eyes in front of a large house, trying to take everything that had happened in the last few hours, but between your sleep addled brain and the general shock of it, you found yourself unable to. This is where you’d stay for the remainder of your short life, Joel rapeing you and letting god knows who else do the same until you die. Joel starts pulling you inside.

“Please” You whimper before you can stop yourself.

Joel thrust you up against the door, his face right next to yours and his beard rubbing against your skin, burning it. “What was that, little one?”

But you don’t reply.

“Joel…” the younger man says from behind the two of you.

“Shut up, Tommy.” He pulls you back, opening the unlocked door. “You ain’t fucking in charge here. I paid good money for her.” He snaps to Tommy, his large hand around the back of your neck tightening, making you whimper. “And I’m bout to get my money's worth.”

“I know” Tommy steps forward, carefully, like he has experience cooling his leader down. “We just road 4 fours, maybe you should wait, you’re tired-”

“You calling me old?” Joel fully turned around, his hand moving to the front of your throat, pressing your back into his front.

“No, that ain’t what I’m saying, Joel. I just mean you got her as long as you want her, no need to do it tonight, you can enjoy yourself more later.” Tommy’s eyes flickered over to yours, and you saw just a smidge of sympathy before they went back to Joel. “She’s had a long night, Joel, she just lost everything. Give her one night, please?”

You stood there in Joel’s arms, your hands still tied in front of you, feeling the rapid rise and fall of Joel’s chest, praying to whomever that you can have this; if Joel took your virginity tonight, you were sure you’d simply break.

Grabbing your bundled hand, Joel begins dragging you inside, and you see why the door wasn’t locked. In the living room, several more men were sitting inside: some drinking, some playing games, some just… sitting. Joel turns to them “She is mine, no one fucking touches her.” he demands as he pulls you, stumbling and trying to keep up with his long strides. Opening up a door, Joel thrusts your back to the wall, taking out his knife and you gasp, trying to get away; to where, you don’t know.

“Hold still, woman, or I’ll cut you for real.” Joel cut off your hand ties, and literally threw you onto the dirty mattress. He stomped over, towering above you, and pointing. “One night. Tomorrow I get what I paid for, and you’re mine, wherever, whenever, and however I want you, no matter what Tommy and his bleeding heart think. Understood?”

You nod, but that's not enough for him.

“Say, ‘yes, Sir’”

You swallow, and speak as much as you can imagine. “Yes sir”

“Go to sleep”

And with that, he leaves the room, and you can hear it locking. How are you supposed to sleep after all that? After everything?

Not long after, the door opens again, and you scramble up thinking Joel changed his mind; it was Tommy, but that didn’t ease you at all. Maybe Tommy showed you mercy to save you for himself.

“Relax, I ain’t gonna hurt you.”

He’s got a bowl in one hand and a bag in the other. “Don’t got much by way of a bath tonight, but here's hot water and a towel, you can at least wash your face, and here’s clean clothes and a pillow”

You don’t move, frozen in fear, almost as if he was a t-rex; if you didn’t move, he wouldn’t see you.

A soft smile. ”Alright, I’ll get out of your hair” and with that he leaves you, your room dark save for the moonlight coming through the window.

********************

You know, when I made this side blog it was initially gonna be like. Secret. Like I wasn't gonna tell my mutuals i had a side blog for dark content

But even if I decided to stay anonymous, the fact I have a fic with a song title, a shitty dad and a good brother would've given it away lol

Anyway, if you want to read more, comment to be added to the tag list!

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

PCCP's monthly fic roundup - March 2024

I write a lot of fics. This is my way of reflecting on what I've done this month. Check 'em out if you want!

Multi-chapter fics:

If I Get Lost Along the Way - Ed and Stede hit it off when they both go to key Ed's ex-boyfriend's car at the same time, and they have to put in the hard work of healing themselves and supporting each other after finding love long after they'd both given up on it. Lots of healing from trauma and past abuse, but loving and hopeful overall. Modern AU, rated E, 75k words.

One shots:

A Timeless Thing - maybe my favorite fic I've ever written. Ed and Stede are hanged for piracy in 1733, and they find each other again almost 300 years later. Tragedy followed by hope, real soulmates vibes. E, 5k.

Down in the Ol' Gravy Basket - when Ed gets sick, it brings up bad memories for both him and Stede. In which Ed gets scared of soup, Stede yells at g-d, and they have a talk about the Gravy Basket. Canon-compliant, M, 3.5k.

Fallin' for You - Stede and Ed are best friends, and Stede's terrified of ruining their friendship by asking Ed out. When disaster strikes, he struggles to know if Ed likes him back or if he'll never want to see him again. Modern AU, T, 4k.

Just a Little Fall of Rain - Ed has a rough morning, and Stede helps him sort through some complicated feelings. My answer to "it was a little fucked up to chain Ed to the railing after he woke up fresh out of his suicide attempt, right?" Canon-compliant, M, 3k.

A Moment as Sharp and Delicate as a Sword - canon divergence where Ed accidentally admits he's in love with Ed while delirious after Stede stabs him. Sweet and cute! M, 5k.

PWPs:

Poetic Justice - Ed and Stede explore Ed's desire to be submissive in the bedroom, and take on one of his biggest fantasies. Canon-compliant, E, 4.5k.

Sweet Little Kitten - Ed gets to wear his collar during sex and Stede calls him his good little kitten. Canon-compliant, E, 3k.

Show Offs - Stede and Ed go to a kink club, because of course their kink is "see how much we love and treasure each other and feel hopelessly jealous." Modern AU, E, 3.5k.

Here Comes the Bride - Stede and Ed get horny about going to a wedding and fuck about it. Modern AU, E, 5k.

[themattress]

Posting here due to having talked about this very subject recently (manga vs. anime).

I basically think that this guy is way off in a lot of his critiques, notably:

- Criticizing the monster-of-the-week structure for the anime in favor of the manga's plot!plot!plot! pacing. I feel like that sort of pacing works fine for a monthly (not even weekly) manga, but not so much for an anime with this concept. Toei actually approached Naoko Takeuchi with the suggestion to do Sailor Moon (a tokusatsu series) based on her earlier Codename Sailor V work, which actually had a monster-of-the-week structure, so honestly the anime's style of pacing was ironically more what the Sailor Moon concept was tailored around than the manga! It also allows the world and characters to be more fleshed out than in the manga, which always had difficulty in that area especially for side characters and villains.

- His criticism of Usagi and Rei was totally off-base. He was correct in how Usagi's constant regressions as the anime went on did her no favors, but she was fine to start with. Her freezing up and giving into despair over her friends' deaths in the first anime season's climax isn't any less weak than her attempting suicide over Mamoru's death which would leave her friends at the mercy of Metalia in the first manga arc's climax. Rei's personality change in the anime was for the better, IMO, and her dynamic with Usagi may have been overplayed at times but I never got the impression they legitimately hated each other nor did I get the impression it was sexism on the male writers' parts. Vitriolic Best Buds is a legitimate thing.

- While I also don't much care how Usagi and Mamoru's romance develops in the anime compared to the manga (and I absolutely hate the pointless age gap the anime added between them), I have to defend Mamoru from his accusation that he was hypocritical to give righteous speeches as Tuxedo Mask yet be an asshole as a civilian. Unlike in the manga, Tuxedo Mask was initially a split personality from Mamoru. He didn't know he was Tuxedo Mask at first, the two didn't get integrated until he got ahold of a Rainbow Crystal in Episode 26. After that, he actually began treating Usagi with more kindness. He was too proud to just apologize and still tried to act stand-offish, but he clearly didn't have it in him to be a complete jerk anymore and was actually fond of her now. The romance still pulls too abrupt a 180 given that Usagi doesn't soften on him until Episode 34, and even then not on the level justifiable enough for love, but the fact remains that Mamoru did straighten out his act after integrating with the Tuxedo Mask persona (which is good since he really was insufferable beforehand).

- The Dark Kingdom was superior in the anime, period. Yes, it was a bigger threat in the manga, but being threatening doesn't always equate to being interesting. He has a point that Queen Beryl is more interesting in the manga than in the anime and I do wish the anime had included more of that stuff rather than just allude to it, but I still say she's stronger as the Big Bad than just as Metalia's chief pawn. Metalia is boring; she's made of evil and does evil because she's evil and can't be anything else. Beryl actually has a motivation, and one that is directly tied with the main heroine and her romantic interest. That's why it's more satisfying to see her infused with Metalia as the Final Boss instead of just her as the third-to-last Boss.

- Lastly, he got the Silver Crystal thing wrong. The Rainbow Crystals are shards of the physical Silver Crystal, but what gives it its power, its spiritual essence, is still Usagi's soul. That's why they couldn't just be merged into the Silver Crystal even after Kunzite had all seven. That only happened when the tear from Usagi, with all the feelings of her soul, was added. The Silver Crystal is thus linked with her soul and is still its manifestation, as seen in the R movie where she dies when its shattered but when she is restored to life it is repaired.

Things I agree with: axing Princess Serenity's suicide was a good choice, the stretch of episodes with Evil Tuxedo Mask were dumb, the changes in powers for the girls and Tuxedo Mask was stupid and pointless, Minako's character regression across the anime was annoying and kind of disrespectful when you really think about it, Yuichiro should've amounted to more, the age change and adaptational jerkassery of Mamoru was terrible, Jadeite's sudden misogyny in his final episode was really fucking weird, the scene where Artemis is "revealed" as Luna's contact makes no sense and should've been cut, Usagi's suicide in the original manga and Crystal did her character a grave disservice, and the Shitennou's adaptational expansion in Crystal was utterly botched and ended laughably.

[duckprintspress]

Created Works Round-Up: June 2024

Duck Prints Press’s monthly “created works round-ups” are our opportunity to spotlight some of the amazing work that people working with us have done that ISN’T linked to their work with Duck Prints Press. We include fanworks, outside publications, and anything else that creators feel like sharing with y’all. Inclusion is voluntary and includes anything that they decided “hey, I want to put this on the created work’s round-up!”

Check out what they’ve shared with us this month…

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The Making of a Work of Fanart: Relating to a Couch, Part 1 by EliotQueliot

video || the magicians (tv) || platonic or familial, m/m || quentin coldwater/eliot waugh || general audiences || no major warnings apply || 00:08:11 || complete

summary: I created a video using my phone photos and scans to show the process of making the illustration for Chapter 4, “Relating to a Couch, Part 1,” for my Queliot fic The First Duty of All Magicians Is to Save Their Friends (on Archive of Our Own, https://archiveofourown.org/works/44312533). I added a little commentary. The scene is AU for The Magicians 3×05, “A Life in the Day.”

TUMBLR – AO3 – YOUTUBE

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Paintings for Mosaic Haiku, Chapter 2 by EliotQueliot

art || the magicians (tv) || m/m || quentin coldwater/eliot waugh || general audiences || creator chose not to use warnings || complete

summary: I’ve created watercolor paintings for all six scenes in Chapter 2. I try to add a little something to each scene that might be different than the original–something in keeping with the totality of what we know and believe about Queliot in our hearts. It might just be a chance to see some details more clearly, with more detail, color, or light; it might be slightly more interaction between the characters, such as a hand on a shoulder, which was placed there later in the same scene; or it might be a chance to glimpse a little more of their faces than is shown in any one shot (because on the show we get the full range of motion and their tone of voice to add clues, as well as what we know about them; so a moment is always more than just a single frozen image, and I’ve tried to reflect that where I can).

AO3

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Mosaic Haiku, Chapter 12 by eliotqueliot

fiction || the magicians (tv) || m/m || quentin coldwater/eliot waugh || general audiences || creator chose not to use warnings || 217 (it’s poetry) || complete

summary: Exploring the lives of Eliot and Quentin at the Mosaic in Fillory, through a series of haiku that delve into their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and the impact their love continues to have on them even after the time loop is over. Please note that the AO3 chapters are slowly being updated with watercolor paintings, while the mirror Tumblr chapters have the still shots from the show that will later be painted.

TUMBLR – AO3

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…Baby One More Time, Chapter 2 by EliotQueliot

fiction || the magicians (tv) || m/m || quentin coldwater/eliot waugh || mature || creator chose not to use warnings || 2,001 || complete

summary: In this fic, Eliot takes his knowledge of Horomancy to the Time Witch Jane Chatwin in an effort to save Quentin. In this chapter, Eliot revisits the Mosaic; though changes are hinted, the chapter focuses on his reunion with Quentin.

TUMBLR – AO3

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you want it darker? || dark king eliot, Chapter 4: Quentin by EliotQueliot

fiction || the magicians (tv) || m/m || quentin coldwater/eliot waugh || explicit || creator chose not to use warnings || 10,217 || complete

summary: Quentin takes his mission as Eliot’s guardian angel very seriously. Exploring the Underworld together, Quentin and his father Ted search for ways to get Q back home to El.

other tags: Special warnings for: Grief/Mourning, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt

AO3

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Silver by Zel Howland

art || black sails || no ships || mature || graphic depictions of violence || complete

TUMBLR

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mend what has been broken (repeat as needed) by corduroyserpent

fiction || the scum villain’s self-saving system || platonic or familial || tianlang-jun & zhuzhi-lang || teen & up || no major warnings apply || 1,892 || complete

summary: The ritual that returns Zhuzhi-Lang to life is not without its flaws. Tianlang-Jun cares for his nephew in the aftermath.

other tags: Post-Canon, Zhuzhi-Lang lives, Hurt/Comfort, Blood & Injury, Non-Sexual Intimacy

TUMBLR – AO3 – TWITTER

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Soft Whispers by Smehur

art || harry potter || m/m || draco malfoy/harry potter || general audiences || no major warnings apply || complete

TUMBLR

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Phalar Aluve by Smehur

fiction || baldur’s gate 3 || m/m || astarion/tav || teen & up || no major warnings apply || 1,453 || complete

summary: Tav makes a blood sacrifice to the goddess of the dancing lights, and Astarion refuses to let it go to waste.

other tags: Developing Relationship, Fluff, Blood Drinking, Drow Tav

AO3

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Meus ex Machina by edupunkn00b

fiction || sanders sides || platonic or familial, m/m || logan/remus, janus/oc orange side(lucas) || teen & up || no major warnings apply || 55,619 || complete

summary: Last century, the first Powered child was born. A frail, squalling infant with skin that burned to the touch and eyes that seemed to read your every thought, it was abandoned at the hospital.

Three years later, another was born. Then another. And another. Within a generation, most hospitals delivered more Powered children than powerless. The world turned on its head and the circuits were filled with advertisements for augmentation or that one weird trick to ensure your child was born gifted.

But veneration turned to fear and those powered children who were not cast out were raised to serve the needs of the strongest voices in their communities, whether corporate or military.

Four Powereds said ‘no more’ and broke away to find their own way to serve—and maybe even save—the world.

Until one day, a Powerless dropped down into their midst, scarred and broken, but armed with steel and hungry for vengeance. Was there a place for him in the world they sought to build?

And did he have the power to save one of their own?

other tags: Superpower AU, Human AU

TUMBLR – AO3

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Spaced by edupunkn00b

fiction || sanders sides || no ships, platonic or familial || general audiences || no major warnings apply || 1,419 || complete

summary: Happy Birthday to Roman Sanders. The moment I saw the video explaining Roman’s birthday celebration would be late, I couldn’t get this out of my head, so, here we go…

Logan’s Photoshoot

Thomas’ video about June and how he ‘spaced.’

other tags: Canonverse with OC Orange Side (Lucas)

TUMBLR – AO3

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the old stars are of no importance by enchantedsleeper

fiction || the strange case of starship iris || platonic or familial || general audiences || no major warnings apply || 2,493 || complete

summary: In which RJ McCabe has more emotions about listening to a drunken group singalong than they’d expected. Spans season 1 episodes 9 & 10 and the aftermath of episode 10.

other tags: Post-season 1, Found family feels, Missing scene(s)

TUMBLR – AO3

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Intimate Understanding by Shadaras

fiction || quanzhi gaoshou | the king’s avatar || f/f || sun xiang/tang rou || explicit || no major warnings apply || 3,585 || complete

summary: Tang Rou gave Sun Xiang a once-over, head to toe, as their paths crossed in the Hangzhou arena’s halls. “Looking good,” Tang Rou said, grinning. “If you want to catch up after the match, shoot me a text—your hotel can’t be that far away.”

“Yeah, alright,” Sun Xiang said automatically. She watched Tang Rou stroll off, hips swaying cockily, and then shook her head. Weird. She and Tang Rou weren’t friends—what could there be to catch up about?

(The answer is: Sun Xiang’s transition, via the medium of sex.)

other tags: Trans For Trans, PWP, Clothed Sex, Oral Sex

AO3

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Dandelion Seeds by Shadaras

fiction || star wars || platonic or familial, f/f || reva sevander + ahsoka tano || teen & up || no major warnings apply || 15,364 || complete

summary: A Mirialian collector has a Jedi Holocron stored safely in her vault, and rumours of its existence have reached multiple organizations. Crimson Dawn orders Reva to retrieve this holocron through any means necessary, while the Rebellion asks Ahsoka to acquire it through the most legal means possible.

When Reva and Ahsoka encounter each other at the vault door, they choose not to bring the holocron to either organization, but instead to listen to the Force and work together to learn what the holocron can teach them—and discover what they can learn from each other.

other tags: Pre-Relationship, Jedi Philosophy, Canon-Typical Violence, Jedi Holocron, Set Between Kenobi and Rebels

AO3

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like clay in his hands by Shadaras

fiction || kaiju no 8 (manga) || m/m || hibino kafka/hoshina soshiro || teen & up || no major warnings apply || 1,400 || complete

summary: Soshiro gives Kafka private training in hand-to-hand combat, which brings feelings they’ve been been suppressing right up to the surface.

other tags: Fighting as Flirting, First Kiss, Dom/sub Undertones, Mild Breathplay Vibes

AO3

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On Beauty by Shadaras

fiction || original work || f/f || teen & up || no major warnings apply || 1,391 || complete

summary: “You want to be beautiful,” Matty says, matter-of-factly, because she knows Vae can’t argue that point.

Vae wants to, of course, but she wants even more to deny Matty the ease of knowing her.

other tags: Butch/Femme, Clothing Porn, Established Relationship

AO3

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​Phase Shift by Terra P. Waters

fiction || original work || platonic or familial, f/m || teen & up || graphic depictions of violence || 99,000 || complete

summary: When self-professed science geek, Camilla Mitchell is dragged into a dimension full of hostile telepathic creatures, her loved ones only know she’s missing. Cam’s friends, her brother, Oliver, and her mother, Kathryn, work furiously to solve her disappearance and bring her home. Other members of their small Minnesota town disappear, one after the other, including Lizzy Becker’s best friend, who is ripped from her arms. Lizzy badgers loner Oliver into working with her to rescue their missing loved ones. They discover a bridge between the two worlds—a bridge that allows the hostile creatures from Cam’s newly-discovered dimension into ours. If there’s a bridge, there’s a way to rescue the people taken. Right?

LINK

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Charity Pins and Stickers [Honkai: Star Rail] by Saro / Legendaerie

physical product || honkai: star rail || m/m || dr. ratio/aventurine || general audiences || no major warnings apply || complete

summary: Featuring Dr. Ratio’s letter in both EN and CN from Trailblazer Mission: Cat Among Pigeons and the Sigonia’s Knot of Cyclicality relic. All profits are split between Doctors Without Borders and The Trevor Project.

[spurgie-cousin]

cw: suicide, death, abuse, domestic violence

Really really heartbreaking update on Mica Miller: investigators have officially ruled her death a suicide after reviewing a 911 call she made on the day she died, asking the dispatcher to please trace her location so that her family would know where to find her body.

her close friends and family said prior to this, she had really been struggling with the continued emotional and financial abuse from her "husband" pastor John Paul, who she was trying to divorce and had a protective order against. John Paul began grooming Mica at their church when she was 14 and he was near 30. During their marriage, he had mentally, emotionally, financially, and sexually abused her in addition to being unfaithful, repeatedly.

He continued the mental and financial abuse even after she filed for divorce and he was seeing another woman. She told a friend just before her death that she could barely afford to buy a toothbrush and asked if they could help her pay her monthly car bill.

Women who have experienced domestic violence are 3 times more likely to attempt suicide, and victims of sexual abuse are 10-15 times more likely to attempt to take their own life. I think it's safe to say that even if he didn't pull the trigger, John Paul had a hand in the death of Mica, who he had abused and manipulated since she was a child.

My heart hurts so much for her 💔💔 the amount of pain she must've felt to make this decision had to have been great. She was 30 years old.

[beautifully-fucked92]

Told I was a mistake

Told I was unwanted

Continually had appearance criticised

Weekly weigh in - if I didn't lose 1kg I'd be taken to my father's stripped naked and hit with his belt

Went to ER for asthma attack at 9-10 years of age had to stay overnight. Father verbally abused me because I wanted my mum to stay with me and that it was selfish of me.

Molested by father over 3 years

Raped by father at 13

Sent away yearly so father wouldn't have to see me

Sister blamed me for her wrong doings which resulted in more physical abuse

Hit by car at 7

First memory of mums abuse was aged 5 (I think) left out front of Uncles so mum could tell father we were leaving. This was unacceptable according to him. Taken home forced to our knees (mum, me and sister) watched mum get kicked in the face with steel capped boots by father

Cups thrown at me or mum (full of hot liquid and empty)

Made to be servant - cups of tea and food on command, detail taxi and do washing inc ironing

Told repeatedly I was worth nothing, I would be a whore with 2 kids and in juivie by 16

Started working at 13 and 9 months with permission from father because I wouldn't accomplish anything in life so my education didn't matter

14 gave mum ultimatum on me or father

14 started hanging around the city, befriending people years above my age.

Started drinking 400ml vodka at first then over 2 years went up to a litre a night, work income covered alcohol abuse.

Started smoking weed at 14, ectasy at 15 amd acid at 16.

Father continually told me I wasn't his, his friend became a surrogate gather to me. When his friend passed I grieved as a daughter would.

Fathers family is Mormon believes in forgiveness no matter what.

Fathers sister was incarcerated 10 years for molestation of own 3 children. Drew was 44 when he came forward, sister and brother followed.

Beaten for having mobile phone without permission, phone broken. Verbally abused and cupbthrown at head for not taking broken phone to school.

Self harm started at 12, never scarred self until 30. Need more pain to feel release.

Considered driving into trucks multiple times didn't because it would ruin the drivers life.

Attempted over dose on panadol at 14, apparently even after 40 tablets you just get a really bad stomach ache and nausea.

Told at 18 I wouldn't get pregnant without medical intervention, (DOC WAS FULL OF SHIT)

Miscarried to Luke (exfiance) at 18/19

He cheated. Didn't speak for two years, became friends. Fuck buddies after D and I split and now friends

Broke up with D at 3months, couldn't stand him and he cheated with Leesi. (Felt like a cunt because I wished her dead and 5 Yeats ago she died of an overdose)

18th birthday spent at funeral of friend who committed suicide.

2019 attended funeral of friend who died of liver failure at 35

2020 friend committed suicide

First daughters father not around, verbal abuse. Hit me once.

Second daughters father not around, been hooking up since high school. Verbal abuse from his gf (unaware of relationship status at the time)

Doc threatened me with dcp over mental status, monthly therapy sessions to keep doc off my back

Hospital gave list of things to do to qualify for weight loss surgery, did all and having to repeat some due to them dragging their feet.

Continual sleep issues since 10.

Best friend made comment of my parenting skills in front of family/friends. Sent me down a mental break. Made a statement about them not being a parent then called malicious, narcissistic and cruel.

D contacted about Evee, verbal abuse ensued when I told him she doesn't want to see him.

My day consists of taking the kids to school, sleep, pick kids up from school, dinner, sleep.

Hates mum at times for not stopping childhood abuse.

Hates sister for not remembering any of it.

Get frustrated at overly emotional daughter and overly touchy daughter.

Hate people for not stopping childhood abuse and just standing by.

Feel I'm failing my children.

Regret children at times.

Never wanted children.

Mum and D told people about pregnancy before I even had a chance to think or choose what I wanted. Felted pressured by others opinions.

With Quin I was told at 10 weeks (2 weeks after finding out) that it looks like the pregnancy wasn't viable. Yet again doc was wrong as well as ultra sound tech.

Not sure if I would have survived the what ifs , if I had aborted a child.

Over thinker, over analyser and attachment issues.

Went on 400km drives to distract self.

Major depression disorder

Borderline personality disorder

[ghostlyschizophrenic]

tw for below the “read more”: overdosing, suicidal thoughts, self harm

i’m venting about stuff under here so don’t report my blog or whatever i’m tagging the triggers so you don’t have to see it and i’m adding the read more i’m not dying i’m not dead and i’m not trying to be. i just need to get this off my chest and somewhere i can come back to it and maybe one of you can like send me a picture of a bat or something to cheer me up idk

i made a fucking notion database to track my ativan supply and how much i can overdose on when i need it and for how i’ve essentially given up trying to stay clean of cutting and just track when it happens and what state of healing the cuts are in so i can make sure i keep them clean and shit

i got really pissed off today and took 16mg of ativan but i don’t think it’ll kill me - ive taken 15mg before and never went to the hospital and just kinda hid in my room until i wasn’t fucked up so badly i couldn’t interact with my parents so i don’t think 1mg is gonna be the thing that ends this fucking existence.

i won’t have enough to wait out the next refill while still being able to at least take 8mg when i need a goddamn break, but i see my psychiatrist on wednesday and ive agreed with my parents to go off my saphris for a different medication because my impulse control has disappeared and im just spending a lot of money all the time and unlike the cutting and pills i can’t hide that from them since they control my bank account. but since i see my psychiatrist and im preparing for feeling like shit while going through yet another antipsychotic medication change, i can probably get away with asking for either a higher prescription of my ativan and not have to take as many pills to OD (i’m prescribed 1mg + 1-2 more as needed a day for 30 days so i have a 90 pill monthly supply) or ask for a refill sooner on the grounds of taking it “more frequently” to help the impulse control

honestly i don’t care if i die at this point. i’m not speeding up the process on purpose or anything, but i don’t think ill live that long once i move out in december. i won’t purposefully attempt, but idc if one day i forget how much ativan ive taken already and take another dose and end up dead, im not heartbroken over it

[rreskk]

HEADCANONS: Trevor Philips (ANGST)

TW: -Suicide -Implied drug use

-He overdoses a lot and he almost always overdoses alone. One time he could’ve died if it wasn’t for a random lady on the streets who noticed him passed out in his truck.

-This is canon but he head buts the wall until his head bleeds.

-Tried to quit drugs many times but always falls back into the addiction. He can’t handle the withdrawal symptoms.

-Michael witnessed many of his suicide attempts back in North Yankton. Most happened during Trevor’s manic episodes where he’d put himself in serious danger.

-Had many girlfriends but they could not handle Trevor. He’s too emotionally unstable and dangerous that they end up leaving without another word. He used to wake up and they would be gone.

-Managed to get himself kicked out of rehab.

-He punched the bathroom mirror during an episode after an overdose.

-Trevor would call Ron on many occasions just so he could run over and cuddle him so he couldn’t hurt himself or others.

-He reads comic books and cartoons to regain access to the childhood feeling he missed out on.

-Doesn’t celebrate his birthday.

-Has really bad handwriting considering he missed out a lot of his education. He struggles to spell basic words and will need guidance reading.

-Whenever he’s burnt out, he watches documentaries on pilots in the military. It’s his comfort zone.

-Back in North Yankton, Tracey used to struggle with her maths homework and Michael always used to call Trevor over to help her. They developed a good relationship (almost like father-daughter) until the incident happened.

-After reconnecting with Michaels family, he has monthly calls with Tracey and she’ll tell him all about her days and college gossips. Trevor always gives her good advice because he wants her to succeed unlike him and Michael.

-He mentioned to Jimmy about being verbally abused on the streets. I imagine he’ll get flashbacks to his mother and ends up having a mental breakdown on the spot.

-One of his favourite activities to do is go plane spotting.

-Trevor felt so guilty when Jimmy admitted to seeing his drug habits back in North Yankton. He had to physically restrain himself from breaking down.

[isobelleposts]

What I’ve Been Watching This Year

by Isobelle Cruz [April 13, 2023]

March has passed and I figure it’s too late to follow through with a post on the female directors I love, so instead, here’s a short list of the shows and films I’ve been watching this year in no specific order.

Beef (2023)

Directed by Lee Sung Jin

My most recent and favorite watch…lo and behold, Beef. A show about two extremely vulnerable and flawed people masking themselves through pride and borderline pettiness. Beef has it all from road rage, heist, and arson, to child abduction.

The Netflix Original starring Ali Wong and Steven Yeung features some of the most lonely characters I’ve seen on film. Danny Cho is a struggling self-proclaimed contractor that works every opportunity he’s given to keep him and his brother afloat while also standing by his promise to buy their parents a house in Los Angeles. With all of that weight at hand, Danny resorts to attempts at suicide and at the perfect time, meets Amy Lau—a woman just as lonely, struggling, and desperate at life as Danny.

But I promise you, it is not as touching as I made it out to be.

Danny and Amy take turns attacking each other after a road rage incident—pissing in Amy’s bathroom floor, vandalizing Danny’s truck, breaking into her house, fucking his brother, kidnapping her daughter—it never seems to end. … Until it does, in the middle of nowhere. The final episode of Danny and Amy in the Deserts reminded me of animals in the wild, a representation of what humans are in the grand scheme of it all. Beef is a must-watch for the hot-tempered, prideful Asians out there who are looking to see themselves on screen

Aftersun (2022)

Directed by Charlotte Wells

Aftersun was an experience. It was uneventful yet somehow spoke so much to me about the joys I’ve been holding myself back from and continue to do. I’d say that Aftersun is so well-loved because of how much it’s able to connect with its audience, despite their varying experiences in life.

It reminded me so much of a trip I had gone on with my father when I was about the same age as Sophie. It’s happened, it’s passed, and I can’t say it really made a drastic impact on my life. But it was there. It is now a memory—which is exactly what the film was. Instead of showing a major turning point in the protagonist’s life, it showed a memory, and it was enough for me to love.

Daisy Jones & the Six (2023)

Directed by James Ponsoldt, Nzingha Stewart, and Will Graham

Let me start off by saying how rich the production for Daisy Jones & the Six was, firstly through their music. I still remember when I first got my hands on the book and searched the band on Spotify, knowing very well that no results would come up, but now there they are—-with 3 million monthly listeners and 24 songs released.

Although the production and marketing went beyond my expectations, the writing seemed to lack, unable to show depth and establish the characters’ relationships with each other. The show went straight to the point, as though the writers had been scared of losing the audience’s attention by putting more focus on the little things, which I would doubt. It lacked the craziness that was found in the book. It lacked the drugs, women, fans, and the skyrocketing feel of their career that were always present in Reed’s works.

Nonetheless, these things never dragged down my rating of the show. It was interesting to finally see what Daisy and Billy’s chemistry looked like on screen and hear their lyrics come to life, which were, oh, so difficult to read on paper. Amazon Prime did its job to reach DJATS fans’ expectations and to entertain newcomers to the fictional band. — Let’s just hope Netflix does the same for Evelyn Hugo.

Suzume (2023)

Directed by Makoto Shinkai

My first anime experience in the cinema. Suzume’s soundtrack blasting from the speakers and Makoto Shinkai’s breathtaking art displayed before me brought this urge to jump through the screen. The atmosphere his art carried through the room was something I wish I could do with my own works.

Throughout the whole watch, it didn’t come to me that this was a love story between two people. There was that obvious crush Suzume had on Sōta, but it surprises me to hear a few people refer to this film as romance. It was moreover an emotional adventure, shining light on the lost souls that have made inches of the world alive.

My favorite scene, before Sōta is turned into a keystone, wherein Tokyo is shown in slow-motion with people going through their everyday lives—eating, shopping, and commuting–-while not knowing their world was on the brink of end, made me ponder of the unseen things that make life the way it is. Everything that has brought everyone to where they are.

There had been times when Suzume and Sōta would prepare to lock up a door once again and I’d think to myself, when will this end? It was as though listening to a song that would repeat the same line over and over again, but besides that, the pacing was captivating---had my eyes stuck to the screen the whole time.

Suzume is exactly what you would expect from Makoto Shinkai. Beautiful art, music, and an okay story.

Babylon (2023)

Directed by Damien Chazelle

Ask me if I’m tired of watching films set in Hollywood and I would likely say yes. But that doesn’t stop me from doing just so over and over again. It surprised me to see how negative the reviews on Babylon have been and almost allowed myself to be swayed by them, but thankfully, had chosen otherwise.

Although I do see where some of the negativity comes from.

The film has been branded as “ Chazelle’s attempt to pander to the Academy for another best pic nomination” by audiences, and as yet another film showing off the lavish and wild lives of Hollywood. Inequality, drugs, women, abuse, and everything. What’s new?

Well, I don’t really care about what’s new or what makes Babylon a poorly-made knockoff of Cinema Paradiso or Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Chazelle was able to keep me entertained and laughing throughout its 3-hour duration, and sometimes it gets really tiring trying to make cinema a technical experience. I can proudly say (shaking as I type this) that I loved Babylon.

[starpuncher]

monthly allotted hater post

where did people get the idea of axel being anyone's dad from. i gotta tell you guys i've played these games a lot and kh2+358/2 days the most and i would not describe gaslighting xion and attempting murder-suicide on roxas as paternal behavior

he's a senior employee training the newbies early on in days but that doesn't last long, the dynamic shifts pretty quickly to a work friendship that isn't even particularly positive or healthy, mostly thanks to him being an absolute freak. that their group dynamic is a hot mess is part of the appeal and assigning him to be the group dad just denies that anything was ever wrong

and also, crucially, it's boring

[losergendered]

hiii prbbly a weird question do you have any media suggestions? especially songs, bands, comics, shows and the like ... asking you bc i like your tastes lawlsies :]

oh my god ANON… i love you… putting this under the cut cause i have a Tonnn and a lot of em need content warnings LOLL

- Inside Mari (manga): a popular high school girl and an asocial hikkikomori swap bodies! …or do they. a bodyswap manga with a horrorfic emotional twist. its really visceral and transgender. cws for sexual content, unreality/dissociation and child abuse

- Erased (manga/anime): a disillusioned mangaka has a supernatural ability that involuntarily sends him back in time in order to prevent tragedies. when tragedy strikes close to him, hes sent back to investigate a series of murders that happened when he was in 5th grade. cws for mentions of pedophilia, child abuse and child death in both versions, but the manga has more explicit sexual assault and suicide

- The Lost Boys (movie): two brothers and their mother move to a beach town that is super infested with 80s biker vampires. no(?) cws really? i mean its kind of a horror movie by virtue of vampires but its not like super violent or anything. its kinda just campy

- Bang Bang You’re Dead (movie): following a student making a false bomb threat, a theater teacher decides to cast him in a play about a school shooting, much to the disdain of the rest of the community. its basically about a kid escaping the mentality of violence through theater and it made me cry. cws for an (attempted) school shooting, uh, you know. that kinda shit. but this one has a happy ending actually i promise

- Les Demoiselles de Rochefort (movie): BARELY a plot. its like a bunch of 1960s french people falling in love surrounding a music festival? its mostly just pretty looking. its also a musical. no cws! that i can remember at least

- Beryl and Sapphire (donghua): a series of alternate universe vignettes of the characters beryl and sapphire! sometimes theyre boys, sometimes theyre girls, sometimes theyre rivals, but theyre mostly in love with each other :) some of the episodes are angsty/have death but its mostly lighthearted!

- HOPEUROKAY (music): a duo of two trans people makin cool electronic music! electropop i guess?? digicore?? genres are fake but their music fucks. and they have like 500 monthly listeners. fave songs: ghostinthecorner, day 400, insight, pink ps2

- Gezebelle Gaburgably (music): do you LOVE electronic incelcore? do you wish that it was made by a woman so you felt less bad for liking it? boy do i have the gal for you. fave songs: quarter pounder, death by dodgeball, heads up, sanrio girl

- Fairy Idol Kanon (manga): a kids manga about three girls on their journey to become idols with the help of a fairy princess! meanwhile, they must also use the power of song to save the fairy realm from the dark faires!

- What Happens Next (webcomic): a trans guy who was an accessory to murder as a teenager has to navigate the rest of his life. follows both him and the other affected parties, through the lens of modern day internet culture. cws for WHOOH BOY. (child) death, gore, trauma, transphobia, abuse, ableism, self harm. like everything basically. but the comic also provides cws itself

- SoraMafuUraSaka (music): a four person utaite group made of soraru, mafumafu, uratanuki, and tonari no sakata! they make yearly videogame themed songs together, as well as each being just like. independent artists in their own right. if you've seen the rpg animation meme, that songs by them! my personal fave of theirs is noryoku hikitsugi de otome game no sekai ni tenseishitaken ni tsuite, though i also like their most recent one (jinsei muri game)!

indiv song recs now!

- Tonari no JK (The Highschool Girl Next to Me) by Konori feat. GUMI: ok yeah the lyrics might be a little questionable but it SLAPS.... konori's metal vocals combined with gumi's melody combined with the cheery backing music... its just perfect. and "watashi wa watashi, ne! "ne"?! JANEE YOOOOOO" is like the best part of any song ever

- A Favor House Atlantic by Coheed and Cambria: so this is off of a concept album, apparently, which i haven't actually fully listened to, so i dunno what this song's actually about, but it IS really good. it's got that high-pitched male pop punk vocals (esp on the line "good eye sniper") and it reminds me of vrisrezi like a lot

- Chuis Bo! by PZK: do you like early 2010s french dance pop. would you like to. Les Filles Adorent and Ce Matin Va Etre une Pure Soiree are also bangers

- My Magical Romance by Sophie's Magic Diary: Sophie's Magic Diary is actually a really cool series of animated shorts about a girl with a crush and her puppy fairy familiar thing who tries to help her woo him. hilarity ensues. my magical romance is an original song made by the artist to accompany the story! its a banger

- Tamara is a Punk by The Queers: a punk jam about having unrequired feelings for a girl named tamara! got into this song cause my mutual made ocs based off of it.

ok that was LONG. but im an enthusiast. feel free to ask for more random recs this ask lowkey made my day sjgfbh <3

[newmusickarl]

5-9’s Album of the Month Podcast – now on YouTube with our latest episode out now!

It’s an exciting new era for the 5-9 Album of the Month podcast, as we have just launched our official YouTube channel! Each month, we will publishing the latest full podcast episode as well as individual album reviews and our monthly highlights outside of the albums discussed. To explore all our video content so far, including our January and February episodes, you can find our new YouTube channel here. And please, be sure to like and subscribe!

For those new here, the 5-9 Album of the Month Podcast is where I take a seat alongside 5-9 Editor Andrew Belt and Check This Out’s Kiley Larsen to review five high profile album releases from the past month in music, and ultimately name one as our Album of the Month at the end of the discussion. On the Spotify version, we also have some insightful background information to each album from Blinded By The Floodlight’s Matthew McMcLister and you can also hear our picks of the best songs from each record!

For our February 2024 episode, the five albums we discuss are:

Girl With No Face by Allie X

Phasor by Helado Negro

TANGK by IDLES

Prelude To Ecstasy by The Last Dinner Party

Loss of Life by MGMT

If you want to listen to this or any previous episodes simply follow the links below, but also be sure to follow 5-9 Blog on Instagram, Twitter and now YouTube for more news and polls relating to the podcast.

Listen to the new episode on Spotify here

Watch the latest episode on YouTube here

Choose which album joins our April 2024 lineup by voting in our poll here

Album & EP Recommendations

Filthy Underneath by Nadine Shah

Whilst everyone was going through their own personal turmoil during the last few years, much revered musician Nadine Shah was going through a particularly tumultuous time. Not long after releasing her 2020 album Kitchen Sink, Nadine would tragically lose her cancer-stricken mother during the height of the COVID-pandemic. Locked in isolation with her grief, Nadine entered a downward spiral that would play out over the next two years, with heavy substance abuse leading to depression, divorce and even an attempt to take her own life in 2022. Thankfully Nadine survived, agreeing to enter rehab where she would get the help and support she desperately needed.

Now out of rehab, substance-free and most importantly finding her happiness again, Nadine has returned with a new album that is just an absolute tour de force from beginning to end. Playing out almost like a cathartic exorcism of all the demons that have plagued her the last few years, Filthy Underneath is the sound of Nadine laying everything bare for the listener. Brutally raw, deeply personal and gracefully honest, the heavy lyrical inspiration for each track is carefully balanced with liberating, synth-drenched and rhythmic instrumentation, with the live-sounding production adding a theatrical touch to proceedings too.

While it’s an album best experienced as a complete work from start to finish, there are a few standout moments here. None more so than Greatest Dancer, a song where Nadine recalls getting high on her mum’s prescription medicine in front of an episode of Strictly Come Dancing, with pulsating synths reverberating and tribal drums pounding away as she recounts her feelings in that moment. Sad Lads Anonymous is another high point, a poetic spoken word confessional that sees Nadine describe her woes to a work experience kid in an awards show bathroom. Both these tracks present the whole album as a microcosm, filled with sounds that draw you in and make you want to dance, whilst the stories at the core are quite dark and harrowing. It all eventually culminates in the album’s hardest moment, French Exit, an ominously tense track on which Nadine openly confronts her suicide attempt. It’s a truly devastating end to an utterly enthralling record.

It’s no secret that often the darkest times can produce the greatest art. Filthy Underneath is a testament to that, with Nadine bravely and openly sharing her story as both a lesson to others but also, no doubt, her own personal catharsis. Shocking and upsetting at points yet always refreshingly honest and completely captivating, this is without a doubt one of the best albums of the year so far.

Watch the video for Greatest Dancer here

Listen to the full album here

Bleachers by Bleachers

As a producer, Jack Antonoff is partly responsible for some of my favourite records in recent years, working his magic on career-best efforts from the likes of St. Vincent, Lorde, Lana Del Rey, The 1975 and, of course, Taylor Swift. It’s strange then that up until now, his own band Bleachers haven’t done much for me. Instead, Antonoff has been more engaging musically to me when he’s working in the studio behind the scenes than performing out in front. However with this new self-titled effort, their first on new label Dirty Hit, Bleachers might be starting to finally win me over.

Let me start with the caveat that admittedly there’s not too much originality to this record. At every turn Bleachers evoke other bands with their nostalgic brand of indie-pop, with their inspirations also offering up more than they do here. Bruce Springsteen is the constant comparison of course, but shades of some of Antonoff’s recent collaborators like The 1975, The National and even Bon Iver also come through strong, which maybe isn’t surprising given both Matty Healy and Aaron Dessner appear on tracks here. The good news for Bleachers though – I love all of those bands/artists. So whilst it may not reinvent the wheel, I actually find myself drawn to the warm, familiar sounds put forward on this record.

The other big selling point of this album though as just mentioned – the collaborators. Antonoff has gone through his phone book and lined up an exceptional list of guest features who lend their talents to this album, which in addition to Matty Healy and Aaron Dessner include Lana Del Rey, Kevin Abstract, Florence Welch, Annie Clark, Clairo, Bartees Strange and more. It makes for an album filled with highlights, including all four singles (Modern Girl, Alma Mater, Tiny Moves, Me Before You) and a stellar back-end run of Call Me After Midnight, We Are Going To Know Each Other Forever and Ordinary Heaven.

So, whilst it may not win any originality prizes, this is an album I’ve had in heavy rotation since its release. With catchy hooks, groovy guitars and a smattering of saxophone, give it a chance and you may find yourself taken with Bleachers’ self-titled too.

Listen here

Beholder by The Blinders

It is sadly becoming all too frequent. Last month I wrote about nothing, nowhere’s financial pressures when writing and releasing new music as an independent artist and it seems Manchester indie outfit The Blinders are in a similar boat. Shortly after the release of this their third album, The Blinders released a statement to say that they were cancelling their EU tour and taking a step back from the band following the conclusion of their UK tour. It is the sad times we live in unfortunately, where independent artists and music venues are struggling more than ever to make a living, whilst the bigger artists and musical organisations just stand by and watch everything else collapse.

Hopefully the tide in the musical landscape will turn soon, but indeed if this is to be the last Blinders record, they couldn’t have asked for a better final outing. With hazy psychedelic guitar passages and passionate vocal cries from frontman Thomas Haywood, there’s rarely a dull moment across the 39-minute runtime. There’s also some of the bands very best moments too, with the likes of While I’m Still Young, Always, Nocturnal Skies and Swallowing Static all standing out.

Listen here

Songs That Aren’t Mine by Matt Maltese

Having delivered one of my favourite 50 albums of last year with Driving Just To Drive, singer-songwriter Matt Maltese has wasted little time in delivering this follow-up project. However rather than all new material, Matt’s decided to take on a different challenge by serving up this intriguing covers album. Taking on much-loved classics from various eras, Matt very much puts his own stamp on the songs chosen here, turning each of them into timeless, melancholic swoons. With his selection including songs from Neil Young, Bob Marley, T-Rex, Prince, Belle & Sebastien, Avril Lavigne, Sixpence None The Richer & more, his unique takes breathe fresh new life into these well-established tunes.

Listen here

Fantasies EP by Bombay Bicycle Club

A band that just don’t seem to miss, indie-heroes Bombay Bicycle Club have followed-up their much-acclaimed sixth album, 2023’s My Big Day, with this fantastic new four-track EP. Very much keeping the collaborative spirit of that record alive, each track features a female guest vocalist to compliment Jack Steadman’s signature vocals, with the wonderful Matlida Mann, Liz Lawrence, Lucy Rose and Rae Morris all appearing on a track each here. My personal favourite is Better Now with Rae Morris but if you’re a Bombay fan like me, then you’re sure to enjoy this short-but-sweet companion piece to My Big Day.

Listen here

Work In Progress EP by Holly Humberstone

Having finally released her debut album Paint My Bedroom Black last year, Lincolnshire singer-songwriter Holly Humberstone is already back with more new music, with this new EP’s arrival coinciding with her current UK tour. Forged out of unfinished tracks left on her notes app, Holly has taken the time to complete her favourite demos that didn’t make the cut for her previous EPs and debut album. Anthemic recent single Dive is still a highlight, but the spacey stripped-back title track, the saxophone-backed Down Swinging and the simply stunning Easy Tiger all hugely impress too.

Listen here

Also worth checking out:, BLUE LIPS by ScHoolboy Q, How To Make A Master Peace by Master Peace, Daniel by Real Estate, The Past Is Still Alive by Hurray For the Riff Raff, Chorus by Mildlife, A Mirror Brightly by Geographer

Tracks of the Week

Broken Man by St. Vincent

The year is heating up in terms of new releases and in the last few weeks, we got news that the ever-amazing Annie Clark would be dropping her seventh solo record next month. Titled All Born Screaming, the first taste of the record is this absolute ripper of a single, filled with electrifying industrial rock and featuring none other than Dave Grohl. We’ll be reviewing the album for our April podcast and I personally can’t wait!

Listen here

Wild God by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Another big artist with a new album on the way, Australian rock legends Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds will release their 18th (yes 18th!) studio album this August. The first single is the title track and Nick Cave’s claims that the band are “happy” this time around seem legit, as Wild God is as joyous as they’ve sounded in years.

Listen here

Our World by James

Also due to release their 18th studio album this year, Mancunian indie legends James are preparing to drop their new album Yummy next month. Whilst I wasn’t completely taken with the first single, Our World is James at their best. Boasting an infectious pop groove but with a powerful political message at its heart, it’s succeeded in getting me excited for their next opus.

Watch the lyric video here

The Dream of Delphi by Bat For Lashes

Due to release her sixth studio album in May, which is also her first in five years, Natasha Khan AKA Bat For Lashes is back. Revealing her new record’s title track, it is a typically mystical composition anchored around her ever-stunning vocals. Welcome back!

Listen here

A Dream Is All I Know by The Lemon Twigs

Having been named our Album of the Month in May last year, the D’Addario brothers are planning a repeat in 2024, with their fifth studio album A Dream Is All I Know due for release this May. The singles for the record so far have been great but this title track is the best yet, filled with their trademark harmonies and vintage rock riffs.

Listen here

Passing Judgment by Been Stellar

Having caught them live this month supporting The 1975 on their current EU tour, its safe to say the buzz around Been Stellar is justified. Drawing shades to other NYC indie outfits The Strokes and Interpol, their upcoming debut is aptly titled Scream from New York, NY and if lead single Passing Judgment is anything to go by, it could end up being one of the debuts of the year.

Listen here

Mirror Muscles by SOFT PLAY

It’s great to have SOFT PLAY, the duo formerly known as SLAVES, back making music. Having released Punk’s Dead last year which ended up being one of my songs of 2023, you get the sense a new album is on the way and, based off these two singles, it may just be their best yet. New single Mirror Muscles is the one that adds further weight to that claim, boasting some monster riffs and lyrics that take digs at vanity gym goers, it’s sure to go down a storm this coming festival season.

Listen here

Monkey In The Middle by Marseille

And finally this week we have an up-and-coming indie outfit from Derby - Marseille. Influenced by the 90s Madchester scene, their singles up to this point have drawn comparisons to The Stone Roses and Monkey In The Middle is no different, thanks to its sprawling, psychedelic guitar passages. With some particularly scintillating riffs in the back end that would leave even John Squire himself impressed, Marseille are most certainly a band to watch going forward.

Listen here  

Also worth checking out: Gears by Divorce, Change Shapes by Lauren Mayberry, Pull The Rope by Ibibio Sound Machine, What A Devastating Turn of Events by Rachel Chinouriri, Makes Me Violent by Bob Vylan, New World Flow by Joe Goddard & Fiorious, You Make Me Feel So Dumb by Walt Disco

REMINDER: If you use Apple Music, you can also keep up-to-date with all my favourite 2024 tracks through my Best of 2024 playlist. Constantly updated throughout the year with songs I enjoy, it is then finalised into a Top 100 Songs of the Year in December.

Add the Best of 2024 playlist to your library here

[yuukei-yikes]

Tell us about Shinaya’s breakup :D

HEHDJEIDNEKFJEKDKEK ive had this ask since i posted i was thinking abt it MAN i cannot express to u i just. I WANNA WRITE A FIC SO BAD but AUGH im so bad at it it makes me cringe i cant do that but its basically like all my damn posts together u know. i keep thinking of shintaro's disastrous relationships post str going from ayano to kano to takane etcetc sorry im playing with him like a stress toy making him go thru hell but its so fun

srry i dont wanna have to rewrite a lot of stuff so erm im liking this answer 🫡🫡🫡 and i could link a bunch more just so u SEE MY VISION... but i think linking that is enough. ON AND OFF SHINAYA MY BELOVED

shintaro and ayano sort of having this ridiculous relationship because both are hurting and jumped in a relationship too quick but fighting/being sad about stupid shit is so much easier than dealing with their actual issues that they've got with themselves. like focusing on each other and what they don't like about each other and their relationship is so much easier than crying about how suicidal they are. lollllll SO LIKE this insanity sort of saves them at the same time??

i mean the most ideal would be that instead of getting together they got therapy and the normal kind not the relationship kind. you know. but also theyre traumatized and ugh. its so much easier to resent each other than themselves. its so much easier to be petty. its such a relief to cry over relationship problems than over timeline resets or dead parents and etc. YOU GET ME?????

they keep breaking up and getting back together ridiculously like it is 1000% so dramatic each and everytime. ayano crying her eyes out like its the end of the world and shintaro making 100 sad playlists. and it happens at least monthly. the first time everyone's like WHOA THEY BROKE UP!?!? SHIT!! the second time its like heyyy maybe they'll work it out like last time!! third time its like are you joking. fourth time they're already begging them to stop. by they i mean the dan but especially takane by the way. who do you think is picking up the pieces.

and by the way the one breaking up all the time and being dramatic as hell is shintaro. he gets angry and annoyed and weaponizes the LETS BREAK UP thing because he DOESNT MEAN IT. like he knows he and ayano will work it out later. he gets comfortable again. not to get on the ayano surviving thing, but i think ayano (and hiyori but especially ayano) making it out alive undoes a big part of the message abt moving on. like i love her so im not complaining thats i love having her alive :3 but i like to translate this into shintaro like. he's intensely trying to repress/process all the memories of the other timelines to cope and have a normal life and ends up being this way because he's sort of self sabotaging himself. like ayano's alive and she likes me??? lol. ok?? ill wake up any moment now!! and he feels guilty and undeserving and is sort of a dickhead to her in an unconscious attempt of keeping her away because that's what he deserves according to him. also why he's accepting of takane's intense obsession with him lol bc she's familiar and she is comfortable, unlike ayano who is so rare and one in its kind in all the timelines. he is sort of terrified of her in a way.

the lets break up isnt rly a breakup. its just a leave me alone see u later. LOL i think we talk too much abt kanoshin bringing the worst in each other but what about shinaya. they do that too. yeah we CAN have fluffy shinaya. but like i said it is so easy to focus all this bitterness and sadness into each other and it's so relieving to be sad and angry about this rather than everything else. because this is sort of in their control while everything else isn't, wasn't. and its so unfair. of course its unfair!! but they cant do anything abt it. so they just go crazy on each other. ayano is DESPERATE to be needed. i could link more replies but i will hold myself back. basically her siblings are used to being alone/know she has her own problems and ayano is dealing with this emptiness and feeling of failure bc no one needs her, from her perspective her sacrifice still failed to save everyone, her parents are gone so she needs to step up. like she puts herself under all this pressure and feels Not Good Enough for ANYTHING. and she is dating shintaro.

it's EASY to bother him and try to get him to open up and etc so she ridiculously focuses on that. but it gets on shintaro's nerves to say the least LOL plus all his other issues i mentioned 🫡plus she keeps being like we have to be normal. lets kiss and hold hands and cuddle. but she's too embarrassed to say it/do it and shintaro is even more pathetic about it. so theyre both frustrated about everything and can barely even sit next to each other without acting insane.

AND SORRY BUT I WILL TALK ABT TAKANE🫡💞💗💖💝💕💘ofc. codependent shintaka. of course. it drives ayano CRAZY because on top of all their problems takane is able to talk sense into shintaro each and every single time. and she is soooo jealous like she knows its stupid but she cant help ittt i ALSO TALKED ABT THIS SORRY I KEEP REPEATING MYSELF IM JUST SO CRzy abt it. hehe......the whole mess bringing drama to harutaka too bc shintaro and ayano are so messy theyre contagious is so fun to me. when it comes to shintaro and takane's horrible relationship both their romantic relationships suffer for it but deal with it completely differently. while both haruka and ayano deal with jealousy somewhat, ayano is so hurt and already at the verge of a mental breakdown so she's focusing so many negative emotions on it and AGAIN it just serves as another point of argument between shintaro and ayano while haruka is like. his mental state isnt as convoluted as ayanos, he's rather freaking out and terrified of being left alone. THIS IS ABT SHINAYA so i wont get into harutaka side but lol. heh. Looks at it. zooms in it. like what i mean is that haruka and takane talk and work through it and are like sighs yeah...this is messed up while shintaro and ayano are using it against each other instead of working on it LMAO

ANYWAYS. ayano breaks up with shintaro. vine boom. total breakdown moment like everyone out of the room i wanna talk to you alone. and this time its for REAL. like ayano isnt confrontational at all, all their arguments are always her being pushy abt idk mental health and shintaro's like godddd STOPPPPP and ayano crying and shintaro being like I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT. IM SORRY I GUESS. CAN U GET OUT OF THE ROOM. WE'LL TALK LATER. but he also sucks so bad at letting the other person know they can count on him so he kind of assumes ayano will do it when she's ready because he KNOWS she's in pain. like. ofc it could go well. ofc shintaro and ayano could work through everything with kindness and comprehension for each other but they're both so sad and suddenly find themselves annoyed at each other one time and it felt so freeing to do that that they just keep doing it. especially shintaro. having ayano be mad at him is sort of relieving because he feels undeserving of her and its like yeah. Yeah!! i know its ooc but shinaya screaming match.god. sorry but all their bottled up emotions abt everything and they take it out on each other for no reason other than theyre giving each other the space and it plays out that way. theyre acting crazy about something so stupid like shintaro not wanting ayano to wear his clothes or whatever. like they scream about that but its not about that. it just feels so good to scream. it feels so good to scream and let it out even if they haven't given themselves the time to process that theyre not... actually screaming abt that at all. theyre screaming about everything else. not even about each other. its about themselves. its always been.its never been about each other. when it is, its stupid. thats why they do it. its just easier. God. they were just not ready for a relationship, especially not one with each other out of all people.

ayano breaks first, therefore dumps shintaro lol. he goes thru his own fucked up arc afterwards while ayano gets help. my man spirals DOWN. whether they get back together or not depends on my mood 🤨 but if they do, its by the time theyre in their mid twenties or something so a few years later LOL i picture them dating like for over a year maybe?? when theyre 18/19. hehe.

like. do you get it.