#it was acceptable when you only needed a couple streaming services and you could share. it was convenient

[mybrainproblems]

Logged into peacock for the first time in a while and pretty much everything is subscriber-only now? You can't even sort by "show me what's free" like with prime? Oh fuck this.

I'm officially 100% Done With This Shit.

We are returning to our roots 🏴‍☠️

[absentcaryatid]

On Call

An ATEEZ Yunho fanfic by AbsentCaryatid

Doing a little neighborly tech support for Yunho's grandparents who live down the hall from you comes with an unexpected benefit as they try to rekindle your childhood friendship with their grandson, and maybe something more.

2.6k words, Content note: gender neutral reader, they/them pronouns used for reader, all ages, food mention

~

One benefit of your job handling tech support by phone was that taking the early shift let you out by mid-afternoon. Crisp, fall air filled your lungs as you walked home from the train station. After a quick stop for three muffins and a specialty coffee to go, you were back in the sunshine to make the final leg of your trip home. By the time you made it to your building, the cup was empty and tossed in the trash can by the elevator bank along with the wrapper from a pumpkin muffin. If headed straight to your apartment the snack would have been unnecessary, but you were seeing friends first.

The building was a nice place for someone your age, only made possible by continuing to live with your parents. Everybody got along well so there was never any desire to move away from the only home you had ever known. The people in the surrounding units had seen you grow up and by now were a cherished extended family. That included Mr. Jeong and his wife on your floor. They were about the age of your own grandparents and helping them out from time to time was something you liked to do for the kind couple.

Earlier today when the call came in at your job with the small local internet company, it had not taken long to recognize Mr. Jeong's voice. He and his wife had been having trouble getting their video streaming service to work. Relieved to be talking to a familiar voice, he went through the steps suggested, checking other devices, and the problem was not one of internet service but presumably the smart television itself. So, you were now headed to their apartment not on behalf of your workplace but as a neighbor.

Mr. Jeong answered the door with his wife close behind greeting you with a warm hug and an exclamation how tall you were getting. In your early twenties, you had reached your full height some time ago but you recognized it as the loving words of someone who had known you since infancy and accepted the remark in that spirit.

“Thank you so much for coming over. This is the kind of help our grandson Yunho used to do for us before he moved to Seoul for his studies.” Mr. Jeong then gestured to the multi-generational family portrait on the wall from over a decade ago.

Yunho's grandmother beamed with pride. “He has a good job in music, even travels internationally.”

You remembered Yunho from his frequent visits as a child. He had been a gentle boy who laughed easily. Looking back, your playtimes together in the apartment complex's courtyard playground had probably provided a much-needed break for the older couple when hosting their grandchild. Even the best of children could still be taxing to older people as you saw for yourself when your niece and nephew visited your parents.

Returning to the present, you handed over the remaining muffins and set to work looking into the connectivity problem while your hosts brewed tea to compliment their unexpected snack. Their voices were quiet, but still carried from the kitchen. You caught scraps of “Just as thoughtful as Yunho” and “picture them together” over the bubble of the water boiler.

More familiar with technology, you recognized the problem immediately when the streaming service message popped up on the television. The account was already in use on a one device at a time plan. “Are you watching on another device right now? A desktop computer, tablet, or a phone maybe?”

They shook their heads no to that and the follow up about sharing the password with a friend. Stumped, you had Mr. Jeong log into their account from his phone to look at the details. The latest access came from a far distant city to a television the same model as their own. In a flash of insight you asked, “Did you get rid of your previous television? I remember it used to be smaller.”

They had indeed, and as you suspected it had not been reset to factory settings before being donated to the local hospital's charity shop. Rather than a glitch, the kids' shows being reported as in progress for the past month were probably being watched by a child who had no idea the account was not their family's. A simple 'logout all devices' cured the problem, and after making sure the television was logged in again and functional, you prepared to leave laden with copious thanks and a container of homemade kimchi to share with your family.

It was a surprise when you nearly bumped into a young man in the doorway, finger raised to the buzzer. After apologies on both sides you were about to head back to your door down the hall when the senior Mr. Jeong boomed, “Yunho, we weren't expecting you!” Motioning to you he added, “You remember our neighbor from down the hall of course. All grown up now, just like you.”

When Yunho blurted out your name, his fond look matched your own. Despite the changes due to maturity, it seemed you were both recognized and remembered well.

After a hug to Yunho, his grandmother exclaimed, “Oh, if we had known Yunho was on a break you would not have had to come help.”

You caught the low conversation Yunho whispered to his grandfather. “I texted her yesterday about my visit and she responded. Is her memory okay?” His grandfather shook his hands waving off the concern.

Smiling at the older woman you reassured her, “It was an easy thing, that's what neighbors are for. After all, you did so much for me as a child that it feels good to finally be able to give back.” Regretfully taking leave of the young man you tried not to stare at longingly, you managed to force yourself to go. “I'll get home now, but it truly was good to see you again, Yunho.”

“May I walk you to your door?” His request was sudden, but not unwelcome. Accepting eagerly, it only took a few steps to reach your own door on the same floor as his grandparents.

Reaching out to him for a goodbye handshake, Yunho ended up clasping your hand in his. “Hey. Um. I'm in town for the weekend. Do you mind if I take you out to eat as thanks for handling some of the grandchild tech support duties for me?”

“As much as I would like to, I don't want you to miss out on time with your family.” Watching his face fall, you amended, “Some other time then?”

The reply came quickly and with a lot of enthusiasm. “Yes. I would like that a lot.”

Parting, you watched Yunho go back to his grandparents' door, and noticed it had remained opened a crack. Perhaps it was to let him back in, but there seemed to be a shadow in the light from the window as if a person or pair had been listening at the gap.

Time passed and every other month or so there was a little task your neighbors would call on you for. Always something easy for you but daunting to someone approaching eighty years old, such as setting up a new phone or getting the hang of ripping a CD collection. Each time thanks from the grateful couple came in the form of a treat to take home to your family or teatime together where you had the chance to chat about your lives.

Yunho came up often as they praised the work their grandson did while remaining vague about his profession other than music. A recent portrait of him appeared on the wall and each time it caught your eye it occurred to you how handsome he was, but even more so in person when animated. Unaware of the smile that crossed your face when looking, it was noted by the two others in the room.

Eventually another fortunate day came around and an encounter with Yunho happened again. There you were solving the mystery of the stereo remote control failure due to the batteries suspiciously not being dead but completely absent when Yunho arrived for another visit.

He grinned to see you but chided his grandparents after a round of hellos and putting his weekend bag down. “I could have helped you with your remote. You have known all week I'd be showing up.”

With badly concealed guilty glances, the pair both claimed to have forgotten his planned visit.

“I didn't even make dinner for you, Yunho,” his grandmother fussed. “Why don't you and our neighbor go get something together while I make up the guest room for you?”

Yunho's light frustration showed in the tongue poking his cheek out. “I am beginning to feel like we are being set up.”

With a laugh you agreed. With an eye to the mischievous older couple you answered, “Perhaps we should go out once, for their sake, though I know I would not mind it myself. I have missed having you in my life.”

The way his family beamed as they sent you off made it feel like you were doing them as much of a favor as they had done you through their scheming. As they closed the door behind you, a lighthearted argument was overheard complaining Mr. Jeong was too obvious creating the problem with the remote control by removing the batteries instead of putting some discharged ones in.

Yunho exchanged a glance with you over his cupped hand as you both tried to keep from giggling. Turning serious, Yunho apologized for the way they had maneuvered you together. “I am so sorry about my grandparents. They aren't exactly subtle pushing us out the door like that.” He paused and looked down, adding, “You don’t have to go out with me just to make them happy. I understand if you don't want to be pressured.”

Not knowing him well, perhaps Yunho was just shy, but it could also have been a tactful way to get out for his own sake. When you responded, “Yes, I really want to be with you tonight. I truly like you and would enjoy a chance to get to know you better,” the grin that lit Yunho's face told you he was just as interested.

“I'm glad for the chance to thank you while spending time together. My grandparents should not keep calling you though. They can afford to hire someone, and by now my brother is old enough to take the bus here by himself, they could be asking him instead.”

Taking Yunho's arm for the walk to the nearest restaurant, you put your surprise date at ease. “You know how it is with old people, they’ll accept the help from the people they want. My family went through this with my own grandparents. They really don’t need things often, anyway. It’s just so easy to call me since I’m already in the building.”

Once out the door and onto the street you were so invested in talking to your companion that you missed the looks he was getting from passerby. “Your grandparents said you are in music. Did you leave for Seoul to become a teacher, or are you in an orchestra or something like that? I still remember when you played the piano at your grandparents' place one time.”

Yunho gave a subtle smile. “My work is a little different. I danced and sung my way into an idol group, if you can believe it. If it does not sound too vain, we are actually pretty successful.”

“An idol? Wait, you are the Yunho in TVXQ?” Not really attuned to popular music, some trivia about groups and member names had entered your awareness, but belatedly you realized that group had been around since your childhood so not likely the same Yunho.

Yunho covered his mouth again as he laughed. Thankfully he did not seem embarrassed by your mistake. “With the shared name your confusion is understandable. My group ATEEZ has not been around as long as TVXQ but we work hard to have the same amount of name recognition one day.” He reached out as if to hold your hand as you had done walking to the playground so many years ago then seemed to stop himself. “Even though we lost touch once I moved away from Gwangju for my studies, you have stayed on my mind.”

This was unexpected. You had always wondered what had become of your friend, but were too timid to ask his grandparents. Still, little tidbits had been dropped when you socialized with the neighbors and they always spoke of Yunho with pride. It was underselling it a lot however with the simple description of him working with music. Biting your lip, you offered to change dinner to carry-out or a street stall. Trouble raised by an idol seen on a date was the last thing you wanted to do to your friend.

After holding the restaurant door open, Yunho trailed you inside, marveling how the little mom and pop operation remained untouched by the decade or so since his last visit. The lady busy at the register waved to take a seat anywhere. Recognizing you as a regular once she looked up, she nodded and smiled to see you had come with a companion.

Yunho seated you first then took a chair himself. Gazing gently into your eyes, he confirmed that being seen together was fine by him if it happened. “My agency KQ Entertainment does not have a dating ban. If I am lucky enough that you are willing to see more of me after this we can discuss how much privacy you would like. As much as I would want to tell the world I have a partner, I could not protect you from scrutiny, even more so in a long-distance relationship.”

He had leaned in during the conversation and now Yunho straightened up with a start. “Of course, I am getting ahead of myself. It remains to be seen if you are as into me as I am you.” Nervously looking back at you, the radiance of your smile hinted at the success of the date already.

It would be several hours of enjoyable conversation before Yunho made it back to his grandparents' apartment, after dropping you off at your door with a chaste kiss to the cheek. Worried they were in trouble with their grandson for being so forward, instead they were met with the news that Yunho was taking you out again if his grandparents could spare him. They happily agreed and congratulated him.

In bed that night while Yunho slept in the other room, they whispered cheers to each other for bringing the young people together. Not only did they dream you might join the family, in the short term they stood to benefit since Yunho might visit more often with the extra incentive of coming back to Gwangju for a partner. He might not spend as much time with them on his trips as he used to, but if the new relationship led to more it was well worth it. By his age, Yunho's parents had already married. While the elderly couple did not know a lot about life as an idol, they hoped Yunho's work and fans would not get in the way of living a full life off the stage on a schedule that worked for him.

~

Yunho Masterlist

General Masterlist

[clowndensation]

if you have any thoughts ready to share about tomroman, silly or serious, intricate rituals, ways they would make each other worse, or even if you have a stance on the who tops discourse i would be absolutely delighted to read them

tomroman my boys my beloved funtime guys who got masters degrees in homoerotic tension but flunked out of following through??? yes i suppose i have some thoughts

okay first of all i can end the "who tops" discourse right here and now. i joked that neither of them could top in that one post, but that was me being mean and cruel for fun and profit (and also probably some light homophobia that i osmosised through them). if there was a kinsey scale for topping, with 0 being "always bottoms, with no proclivity for topping" and 6 being "always tops, with no proclivity for bottoming" tom is a 2 (he is a service top who doesn't know what "service top" means, unfortunately) and roman is a 1 (he's a bottom in denial. once he accepts this, he turns into a bottom who occasionally likes to roleplay that he's the type of person who could top).

so when they begin the relationship, roman demands to top because He Is A Top and it's all fine and it's definitely not bad it's just. you know. fine. but unfortunately tom does have a dick the size of a red sequoia and roman isn't immune to fantasies, and so he does offer to bottom just this once, (and only if tom agrees not to be fucking weird about it-) and tom is a talker and a praiser, and. well. there's no going back from that. (roman does still top sometimes, and it goes significantly better than when he used to, because dick is just better from a dude who's willing to admit he likes getting fucked. it just is.)

and also just for the record, they are the most disgusting couple alive. roman is like a cat, he follows tom around room to room, sitting in random spots (which is a coincidence btw. yes he already ate, he's just in the dining room with tom because the chairs (that roman's sitting on incorrectly) are comfortable. and he moves to the living room because he needs to charge his phone. and also he needs to go to the kitchen real quick because he's in the mood for some cantaloupe. obviously. also tom, cut this cantaloupe, since you're already grabbing a water-). and tom is a dirty dirty enabler and kisses him whenever they walk past each other and keeps up a constant stream of chatter that roman always responds to, no matter how inane, because he is literally incapable of not talking.

the verdict is love your honor :\

[bread-writes]

Hello. May I request a oneshot about Jake Kim celebrate valentine's day with his girlfriend please? Thankyou!

i’m late for valentines rip-- oh well lmao 

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this, anon!

Spoilers for Jake if you squint near the end.

Writing under the cut!

Jake Spending Valentine’s with His Girlfriend

Jake is--and probably always will be--a busy man. Whenever he completed a stack of paperwork, three more would suddenly appear before them. But, despite his misgivings and less than favorable life, he had you; the light in his usually dark life.

With Valentine's just around the corner, more and more work was passed on to him so the others could spend time with their lovers. As much as he wanted to just pass all of his work onto Jerry (he knew that the boy would do it if he so much as asked) he felt bad for leaving a kid with so much paperwork.

The door creaked open, revealing Jerry. Jake sent the younger boy a nod of acknowledgment, ushering him closer with a flick of his wrist before turning back to the paperwork with a sigh.

"Was there something you needed, Jerry?" Jake squinted at the small text of the report in his hand, running his free hand through his hair as a means to calm himself down. A soft sniffle came from the seventeen-year-old, causing Jake to raise a brow as he looked up from the document in his hand.

"Jerry, seriously, are you alright--"

"I deeply apologize, Jake." Jerry wiped the lone tear from his cheek, "Please forgive me."

"Wait, what--?"

Two familiar sets of arms wrapped underneath his arms, lifting him off the chair with ease. Jake could only blink as Jason and Brad continued to drag him down the winding path that led to his apartment complex They finally stopped at his doorstep, dropping him unceremoniously onto the ground before knocking on the door.

You emerged from the apartment, tiredly rubbing your eyes as you glanced between the four men. When your gaze landed on your lover, you rose a brow before slapping your forehead with a groan in realization.

"When I told you it would be nice to spend Valentines with Jake, I did not mean abduct him--what if he was busy?"

"I actually was busy. Thanks for asking, by the way," Jake cut in, rolling his now stiff shoulders. Jerry visibly deflated as he fiddled with his fingers while mumbling an apology. You accepted Jerry's apology with a pat on his shoulder before offering Jake your hand. He gratefully took your outstretched hand, pulling himself onto his feet.

"This was a pleasure," he began, "but I really should be getting back." He turned around, only to be stopped by Jason and Brad blocking the exit. Jake rose a brow, glancing between the two, "...What are the two of you doing?"

"We're putting you on temporary leave. Don't worry about the paperwork, we'll handle it." Jason brushed off his unspoken concerns motioning to you with his wrist.

Jake could only sigh, letting out a chuckle as he pushed his hair back, "I suppose a few days off wouldn't hurt." He glanced at you, a minuscule smile making its way onto his lips. You grinned back up at him, leaning in to place a peck on his cheek. The two of you bid goodbye to the three other Big Deal members before making your way into your shared apartment.

"So... Valentine's Day is tomorrow, right?"

"Wow, I'm surprised you actually remembered; being swamped up in your work and all."

"Oh, shut it." He snapped back, letting out a grunt as he flopped onto the worn couch. You snorted, taking your seat by his side as he continued to scroll through the seemingly endless amount of shows the streaming service had to offer. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders to pull you into his chest. You sighed contentedly at the familiar feel of his body heat, tracing the carefully inked lines of his tattoos.

At the sight of your favorite show, you tugged on his shirt, eyes sparkling as you excitedly pointed at the screen. Following the point of your finger, Jake grimaced, "Seriously, that one again? Haven't we watched that eight times already?" You shrugged, grounding one hand on his chest while the other reached out for the remote. He smirked down at you, outstretching his arm just barely out of your reach.

Curse him and long limbs.

Jake let out a garbled cry as you shoved his face away, lunging and successfully retrieving the remote.

"Ow, what happened to treating your boyfriend with love for Valentine's, huh?"

"What happened to letting your girlfriend watch her favorite show for Valentine's, huh?" You dangled the remote tauntingly in front of his face before resuming your place by his side.

He rolled his eyes, glaring at the show from the corner of his eye, "Fair, but can we at least pick another show?"

"Watcha gonna do if I say no, Mr. Big Boss?"

What you weren't expecting were his nimble fingers to dance along your sides--a dirty tactic that would only work on you, seeing that Jake was, unfortunately, not ticklish in the slightest. You screeched, dropping the remote before succumbing to a fit of laughter. Jake's eyes softened at the sight of you laughing, tears streaming down your face as you begged for mercy.

How he wished these sorts of days would last forever.

As his fingers ceased their movements, you greedily gulped in air, wiping at your tear-stained cheeks. Just as you were about to berate him for using such an underhanded tactic, he slanted his lips against yours in a soft kiss. The kiss was similar to the ones the two of you shared in the mornings before he left, yet far different at the same time. Gentle, yet passionate. Soft and somewhat greedy.

Just like him.

He parted slightly from you, "I love you."

"I love you too, Jake," you mumbled before once more placing your lips against his.

The remote and show remain forgotten as the two of you cuddle on the couch.

---

You were the first to awaken. Your limbs ached from staying in such a position for so long. As you tried to get up, Jake's arms anchored you in place. With a groan, you wiggled your way out of his arms, already missing his warmth as you entered the kitchen. Haphazardly scooping some rice onto a plate, you warmed the rice in the microwave whilst preparing some leftovers in a few separate bowls.

Lost in your thoughts, you missed the drowsy drag of Jake's feet until he once more wrapped his arms around your waist before placing a soft peck to the crown of your head, "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Right back at you, Mr. Big Boss."

The two of you took a seat at the dining table, sharing a few laughs and stories from your respective jobs.

"What're we going to do first?"

Jake hummed, "We can go shopping, I guess."

"You guess?" The teasing lilt in your voice evoked an eye roll from your boyfriend as he scoffed.

"Do you have anything in mind, shortie?"

"Sho--?! You agreed not to call me that!"

"Well, you agreed not to call me Mr. Big Boss, you hypocrite."

You glared at him, "Touche... Shopping does sound good, though. I heard a new bakery opened up nearby if you want to check that out."

"Sounds good to me." He nodded, gathering all of the plates and bowls on his way back to the kitchen, placing them in the sink with the rest of the dishes before making his way to your shared bedroom.

The two of you made your way through the crowded streets that were filled with couples out on dates and friends just goofing off. In one of your hands, ingredients to make chocolate swished around in a plastic bag, while the other was interlaced loosely with Jake's. 

So far, the day has gone off without a hitch. Though, you suppose it would be difficult to approach the man (teen) at a terrifying height of 6'5"(195 cm) and the woman (also a teen) smiling so freely with said teen man. The bakery the two of you planned to go to had some of the most delicious chocolate you've had in a while, hence why you bought the ingredients to make your own.

You clapped your hands lightly after laying out all the ingredients, your phone propped up a little ways away, displaying the recipe for some simple chocolate. Jake stood next to you, tying the apron behind his back before sparing you a wary glance from the corner of his eye.

"[Name], are you sure about this? We've never made chocolate and this recipe isn't... exactly "simple"."

You only smiled at him, rolling up your sleeves as you briefly scrolled through the recipe, "We'll be fine, Jake. You trust me, don't you?"

He fought the urge to shake his head, forcing himself to let out a hum of agreement.

By the end of about three trials, the kitchen--along with both you and Jake--was splattered with chocolate. Half-eaten and burnt pieces littered the counters and filled the trash bin. 

"I told you it wasn't easy."

"Shush, it looked easy." You puffed your cheeks, grabbing a rag to wipe down the counters, scrunching your nose at the smell of burnt chocolate. Jake chuckled, gently taking the rag from your and leaning down to place a kiss on your cheek.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. Happy Valentine's Day, [Name]."

"Happy Valentine's, Jake."

Jake Kim was a busy man--too busy, some would say. At only nineteen years old he was able to lead one of the Big Four Crews to find his taken friend. But, he'll always find time for you; even if he has to be kidnapped to do so.

I hope you enjoyed this! this was actually so fun to write, but sorry I couldn’t get it out on Valentine’s oof. My fingers hurt ( ಥ_ಥ) oh the price to pay for satisfaction--

[thirsthourdemon]

Headcanon on their online platforms but mainly on Twitch, onlyfans stuff, patreon, tumblr

Includes: Demon bros + undateablesss

Genre: Crack, Fluff and slight smut

Warnings: NSFW mentions

||Lucifer

-He didn’t have a big online presence because he was active, no no

-He had an online presence cause everyone always sees him on Diavolo s pictures and such so for a time they shared an audience

-One time Diavolo and Barbatos were doing a thing where they read a book aloud for some sort of game

-Diavolo kind of recorded that for a little bit

-ASMR I TELL YOU

-People liked it so much they suggested for “the one with the deep cold voice”, luci, to do asmr on youtube or something

-He doesn’t know what an Onlyfans is however he does have a patreon.

-Diavolo was interested in the idea and discussed it with him

-HE BLEW UP CAUSE EVERYONE WAS FREAKING OUT OVER HOW AMAZING HIS VOICE WAS OF COURSE! 😡

-His fandom consists of either people who are interested in what he reads or...Horny people who get off at how proper and low his voice is

-His profile picture is a picture of him with his head cropped out where he’s fixing his gloves

-Luci isnt like super famous but he has a loyal fanbase that appreciates him a lot also lots of simps with daddy issues

-He was confused as to why someone would ask him to be their father

-He gets the daddy kink but why???

-Last post: A picture MC took where he’s holding a whip cause mammon fucked something up 🙂

||Mammon

-Bold of us to assume he didn’t already have one

-You already know why he’s on here.

-He has random content but he mainly got his audience since he kind of tried modeling thing for a while. It was for a big brand on their new jock type jackets

-Mammon really wanted cash at that time and he got the thing over and done with making him a couple more grims richer

-The photographers told him they could transfer the pictures though! So he just saved his pictures because “Who wouldn’t want a picture of THE mammon?”

-That gave him the idea

-His audience? Whoreknee

-They even accept the fact that his captions for some pictures are “You should be honored you get pictures of me”

-He posts that with a blushing face half of the time HAHAHAHA

-Levi found it and just laughed at the pictures

-Surprisingly enough the pictures were actually well taken because MC was forced into em

-His most popular picture was the one with him was actually a picture that the brothers took of him tucking in what appeared to be goldie on a seperate MINI BED WITH A SMALL TOY LAMP BESIDE IT

-He did a QnA for his followers to celebrate on his instagram

-PFFTT He got so many questions about Goldie

-Was dubbed “Goldie’s Daddy” after that

-Last post: A picture of him wearing the new Luxury brand jacket he got and his keys in front of his car with the caption “Daddy’s going for a ride”

||Leviathan

-I’ve always head canon that Levi knows how to draw digital emotes. Like he just picked it up cause he wanted to make fanart of him in henry together 😔

-Also has a red bubble or an etsy where he sells some prints and stickers of fanart 👀

-He went on twitch since there were so many TSL streamers there who just played games while they discussed theories as well

-Levi is an emote artist and while he draws he sometimes just discusses the theories with his fellow Yucky Otakus

-He’s the type to really interact with everyone even though he barely does that in real life

-Sometimes though when he gets packages that fans sent or ones that he ordered he’d stream unboxing them.

-He hates showing his face? Oh dont worry He’s wearing a facemask and all that

-His fandom is genuinely into him. Like they actually like him as a person but kinda once got into a scandal on gatekeeping

-He took a break for a bit but he kind of said sorry and everyone just forgave him because he isn’t really the type to do drama and it was just that one instance-

-Overall loved by the community due to how chill he is and how invested he is on fan theories

-He has a twitter btw and lemme tell you it’s just threads and threads of discussions

-Whenever he does stream unboxing videos though and he shows his shelves everyone freaks out how he has EVERY FUCKING VOLUME OF EVERY ANIME AND GAME

-People sometimes ask him personal questions and he tries his best to try to answer them but he shows a face where he looks uncomfy

-Everyone just bullies anyone who makes him uncomfy giving his fanbase a very protective reputation

-Last post: “Unboxing fanmail L8er @ 10pm LOL CYA GUYS XD”

||Satan

-He has a tumblr. You cant tell me he doesn’t have one.

-He had tumblr like back in the old day though like when porn was still available here.

-Get this...He’s known all through out the academia blogs. He INVENTED Academia

-Satan has 1 blog and that’s it. It’s his main blog and he just posts pictures of the book cover and does essays, reviews or sometimes he writes the ending he wanted to happen.

-Dont get me wrong he has a patreon but only because people loved getting more exclusive takes of stuff like his book notes on certain pages or sometimes his notes and thoughts on Artistic Erotica

-Probably has a Ko-Fi because he though he needed it after most of the blogs he followed had it

-He thinks it should be “Table of Content” and not “Masterlist” so he uses just that

-Profile picture is him wearing his signature washed out green grandma sweater while he has a book in hand and a cup of earl grey on his table

-People go to him falling in love with his aesthetic and Book reviews but they stay in love with him because he is big on one on one discussions actually

-He goes for one on one voice calls where he just...He talks to you about any book of your choosing

-Fans send him tea but he knows better than to eat something a stranger gives so he makes beel take a taste first sometimes but ultimately scolds the boy when he takes too much

-He wasn’t supposed to have merch but everyone liked the idea of small packages (More like letters) that really do look old and vintage

-He usually only give those to the people who pay for the top tier stuff

-It usually contains 1 type of tea, a letter he wrote for them himself and a bookmark with his name stamped on it

-He got the stamp custom made ❤️

-Last post: (Insert 5k word essay)

This is what I thought of Edgar Allan Poe’s “A cask of Amatillado”

Playlist: (Insert soft classic Music playlist on Spotify)

Tea: Black Currant

||Asmodeus

-ONLY FANS THROUGH AND THROUGH

-Is a brand influencer as well

-The brand ambassador of this pretty well known semi-luxury skin care brand

-His devilgram? Perfectly made by his PR team which is just him and solomon

-Before I move onto the NSFW stuff I want to emphasize how Beautiful his instagram is and his aesthetic

-His aesthetic is romantic/sexual tension/Unparalleled beauty

-Also a make up brand influencer and has his own make up line

-something along the lines of “The Devil’s box of charms 🖤”

-The type to DG live whenever he’s just showing off the make up look he did or the outfit he got

-The house of lamentation may have PR packages stacking up due to how most of them have an online influence but out of 10 boxes 7 of them would be for Asmo

-OKAY NOW ONTO NSFW STUFF

-Lemme tell you this...He has a specific drawer and space in his closet just for the sexy outfits he has.

-The demon’s onlyfans has pictures of him just teasing his audience where he’s wearing a black skintight get up and his bulge is showing

-Nudes are for mid and top tiers

-His fandom loves seeing in stocking and chokers

-“The choker is from etsy and here’s the link to their shop~”

-He doesnt completely show his body but...Him in suggestive clothing gets everyone pre cumming

-His fandom is just filled with simps 😔

-He loves them and blows a kiss towards the camera everytime he ends a live

-Probably has had a scandal or 4

-Posted an Ahegao once and everyone lost it

-Has been the face for Ahegaos ever since

-Belle delphine who?

-Definitely tik tok famous too 😎

-Has memorized all of Doja Cat’s songs

-Last post: “Hope you guys are ready for tonight’s session~ 😈” With a picture of him in an Fuchsia and black themed lingerie set. A collar with a bell on it.

-Bonus: One time Solomon summoned him while he was taking pictures and he was still in his lingerie set. 😛

||Beelzebub

-Was originally inspired by Mukbangs Channels so he did them on youtube too

-You get his Mukbangs on your recommended, You subscribe because of his cute and funny reactions whenever someone in the backgrounds is astounded to how much he’s eating

-Everyone knew beel as a cute guy who just does Mukbangs and loves to eat

-He once did a fridge raid and ended up eating everything in the fridge

-That was THE MOST CHAOTIC VIDEO on his channel cause you can just see luci and MC trying to make him stop

-He eventually got a patreon because mammon told him people will give him more money for food like that and to be honest he made a patreon but mammon takes care of it from time to time

-Oh you knew him as this sweet beautiful boy who just likes eating? hERe HavE sOmE WorKOUt pICs

-His body got everyone thirsty or may I say Starving

-S I M P S everywhere

-His patreon content is just him making small videos eating or pictures of him being all sweaty from the gym 😛💦

-“DADDY BWDONMXMSKC PLEASE FEED US”

-“Eh? You should feed me instead” *opens his mouth*

-Fans send him lots of boxes of weird food to see his reaction sometimes

-Did the fire noodle challenge a bit late but everyone is surprised to how he isn’t giving the reaction like they expected him

-Spice tolerance? Unmatched

-His fandom is either “UwU Beel please eat try this!” Or “Daddy Please FEED US WITH YOUR DELICIOUS THIGHS! 😩🥵💦💦💦”

-He does the service where he sends you his body building pictures except he isn’t sending them, Mammon is.

-Manager Mammon 😎 Gets a half of the profit

-Can I just...BeelProbablyHasnevergottenintoanyscandalbuthasalotofhaterssayingthefansonlylikehimforhishandsomefaceandgreatbodyandnicevoicebutlikewhatiswrongwithlikinghimbecauseofthosethings?Itisntbadtolikethatstuffatall

-Last post: “🍙 Thank you to @(Your Username) for the Onigiri! I finished the whole batch! Please send more food”

||Belphegor

-Sleep Guru

-Im sorry but I cant see him having any other social media aside from tumblr, twitter and Devilgram

-Belphie barely checks his phone but he has tumblr because apparently there’s a thing called the SandMan’s Box Community

-It’s like LootCrate, a subscription service that gives you stuff like Comfy Pillow sheets and tea for better sleeping

-This even gives you something like sleeping masks or ear muffs.

-The community is well...nocturnal

-His ask box is always full of his 100+ mutuals who just discuss stuff with him

-Whenever he actually does try to type online he makes articles about the best sleep positions or stuff like that

-His fandom is just loving mutuals who sleep and take care of each other

-They have a discord server where it just plays soft music to help everyone sleep

-Last post: “Humans aren’t so bad when they’re asleep”

||Luke and Simeon

-He has a big following on twitch where he just bakes sweets in his cute little hat and-

-Clearly you can tell I follow him on twitch

-The type of twitch streamer that no one hates on because why would you? He is literally just baking and cute comments

-Sometimes he streams with Simeon and everyone loves both of them

-When people give money they dont give “money” no no...they call donating headpats

-Luke is just so adorable that everyone just...

-“Angel Lulu’s Protection Squad⭐️”

-He got famous when he...He doesnt want to call it a collab but He made a lot of sweets and gave them to beel so everyone freaked out and thought

-THE SWEET BOY THAT EATS A LOT AND THE ANGELIC CHILD THAT MAKES SWEETS A LOT ARE FRIENDS?!

-He is now pissed that everyone thinks they’re friends 😠

-Basically his fans started making dishes and candy inspired by him

-Sometimes they send it in and Simeon has to confiscate some because

-“Im sorry, guys. You are all really sweet and I know that you mean well but Luke isn’t allowed much sweets yet”

-No one ever EVER lewds luke

-Fortunately Luke’s fandom has the least amount of pedophiles because everyone drives them away the moment they try something

-Whenever luke does fan mail/unboxing videos people just adore how Simeon places a glass of water at the table below the camera and the scissors or cutter he uses is child proof

-Even though Luke is the main person on his account everyone also notices Simeon.

-How couldn’t they? He looked like he wanted to make everyone in the audience live a better life

-Add that with luke’s wholesome baking and BOOM! You are now ready for a better life🌟

-Last post: It’s a picture of Luke shyly showing of his new batch of sun and moon shaped sugar cookies. “Sun and Moon. Tune in later at 3 pm to see how we made these!”

||Solomon

-He barely posts but he helps asmodeus with his stuff

-Too busy with anything else but helps out when things get interesting

-Proposes Ideas for Asmo sometimes when the demon doesn’t know what to wear for a live or a story

-Laughs at Asmo sometimes when he gets into scandals and drama

-Happy cameraman ❤️

-People follow him because 1.) He’s hot 2.) The fans ship him with Asmodeus

-Last Post: “When will you learn 🙂”

||Diavolo

-He is a vlogger~ Not a very active vlogger but a vlogger nonetheless

-He films anything he can but he’s more known on tik tok and devilgram rather than twitch or youtube

-People have been thirsting for him ever since and no one can convince me that they dont just shamelessly call him daddy whenever he goes on live

-Barbatos makes sure however that whenever it isnt appropriate anymore that he would tell diavolo to turn the camera off

-Wranggled Luci into his mess and now everyone knows the face of that one dude who just reads documents

-Everyone lowkey ships them

-Diavolo is the type to take a picture of a big meeting or a retreat out of instinct to just document his life

-He actually didnt know about vloggers before but he just liked the thought of documenting it

-Everyone picks up “Master” vibes as they say from him hehehe

-He doesnt have an Onlyfans or patreon 😔😔😔

-I honestly would have subscribed to his services

-Last post: “Barbatos made a delicious meal for us at the retreat today” Along with a picture of the Beautiful Demon Delicacy Spread in the table.

Taglist: No one yet (Please be part of the taglist for more content like this ☹️ It’s getting really discouraging)

[iinuyashas]

After today’s episode I just wanted to share some interesting google searches in regards to this idea that anime industry only cares about the Japanese fandom (not true) and why potentially we need be looking closer at what RT doesn’t say. 

Anime industry only cares about Japanese revenue: 

I would hope folks wouldn’t actually believe this because it just sounds SO silly but lets get into it, shall we?

“Japanese anime industry earning more money than ever, almost half of it from outside Japan”

I’m sure most people who have been an avid anime fan will notice how mainstream anime has become in the last couple of years. When I was a kid anime was no where near as popular as it is today and I think we have streaming services to thank for that. 

For anime adaptations we know the animators themselves barely make any money  and depending on the manga artist contract they could very easily not see much of the revenue from anime adaptations. 

To tell the naked truth, regardless of how many people watch the film or how much the gross earnings are, not a single yen goes to the author. We are only paid an upfront license fee. — Hideaki Sorachi (Gintama Volume 51) 

I think it’s interesting to see the author of Gintama talk so openly about money especially when Sunrise is the studio who produces Gintama. It seems most authors make their money from royalties. 

This article goes into more detail about how anime is produced and who fronts the money and how the money gets distributed when it comes to anime production  

At the end of the day the anime industry makes A LOT of money. It would be silly for any industry to “ignore” half of it’s revenue source. Anime companies only care about one thing and one thing only - Money.

Why I think we should pay attention to what RT doesn’t say about S*ssrin

I just want to preface this with - I’m not Japanese and I’m definitely not claiming to be an expert on Japanese culture BUT one thing I’ve always found interesting when it comes to communication differences between Americans and Japanese is indirect communication vs direct communication. 

Americans (to no ones surprise) are very direct. We ask a question and expect a direct answer. However, from what I’ve read and seen on YouTube is that being polite and “saving face” is very important in Japanese communication 

Refusals: The cultural preoccupation with saving face and being polite means that the Japanese may wish to avoid giving a flat “no” or negative response—even when they don’t agree with you. Therefore, focus on hints of hesitation. Listen closely to what they say, but also pay careful attention to what they don’t say and implicitly mean. It’s a good idea to clarify and double check your understanding.

I think back to that non answer RT gave in that Chinese interview about S*ssrin, and while she didn’t say anything against it - she certainly didn’t say a strong yes for it, either. 

 Similarly, Japanese may be surprised to hear Americans say "No" often because Japanese tend not to say "No." We usually express our reluctance to accept an offer by subtle facial and verbal expressions because we want to avoid making people feel bad by refusing directly.

On the other hand, Japanese tend to be more comfortable with indirect communication. They prefer to use more roundabout ways of expressing opinions, especially negative ones, in order to avoid embarrassment or conflict. Japanese are well aware that use of the word “difficult” about an idea means “it will not work.” 

Here is a YouTube video titled Difficulties of Communicating with Japanese People

At the end of the day S*ssrin always had the chance of becoming canon. I also understand people’s frustrations. I don’t want this pairing to become canon and I will be severely disappointed if it turns out to be endgame. However, the shippers have been screaming canon from the very beginning. We knew Rin would show up at some point - until we have official confirmation that she is the mother lets all just try and take a deep breath. I’ve been watching HNY with the idea that Rin isn’t even an option - even if she is an “appropriate” age within the timeline I don’t think it would be received well AT ALL and the fact that we’ve seen so much merch of child Rin, she started the series off as a child and “girl who adores Sesshomaru” is a very weird way to introduce someone's “wife”, but that's just me. I’m still prepared for worst case scenario but I feel pretty confident she isn’t the mother. 

[getofy]

matchup: #1 - hq boy w/ an extroverted fem reader!

—a/n: wow im genuinely so sorry for taking so long. literally school is ruining my life and i also um,, haven’t been doing the best this past month. i really hope this makes up for it !! it’s kinda long so my bad...also this is NOT proofread lol i apologize if it sucks aaaa.

DISCLAIMER: while this is a personalized matchup, they’re still headcanons, so basically anyone can enjoy them! :]

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hello @/meremoomoo ! you are so cute and tysm for being patient about ur request. i debated who you would go well with for a while, but in the end i came up with...

SUGAWARA KŌSHI!

-

#SUGA: “YOU’RE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!”

#Y/N: “THANK YOU KŌSHI :].”

-

☆ SUGA IS PERFECT FOR YOU, AND HERE IS WHY—

PERSONALITY TYPE:

suga has a personality type of INFJ, which compliments your ENFP personality type well.

“...you may benefit from perseverance in this relationship. your sensitive, sympathetic nature may at times overtake you, leading you to make decisions that feel right but are not really the wisest option. this person, whose approach seems so cold at times, can help you to tune into your powers of objective reasoning and ensure that you are not letting emotions rule your life.” —some website i found

while INFJs are not the most compatible with ESFPs, your other personality type, wonderful things can still come out of INFJ/ESFP dynamics! 

“your differences mean that you actually have a lot to offer one another. your counterpart may inspire you to slow down and think more deeply about the meaning of things, rather than just doing what feels right in the moment. in turn, you can help them to get out of their heads and enjoy life for what it is.” —some website i found

HOW YOU GUYS MET:

sugawara and you did not start off on the right foot at first...

the two of you were in the same class and sat very close to each other so he decided that he really wanted to get to know you.

he also just really likes becoming friends w/ people lol

since you were always laughing loudly with your friends during break time, he deduced that you had a good sense of humor.

he decided that jokes seemed like the right way to get to your heart win you over!

easy enough, right?

wrong.

apparently, he had caught you on a bad day because his attempts to be friendly were not received well. at all.

poor suga.

he does his best to be kind to everybody, but at the same time, he does love to poke fun at others. he probably took one of his jokes too far or something?

or maybe you really were just having a bad day?

who knows.

anyways, after that awkward encounter, he did his best to avoid you.

it’s not that he hated you, it’s just that he thought you hated him. it sort of bummed him out because you seemed cool, but he wanted to be respectful of your feelings!

*sorry it’s not enemies to lovers, but it’s close enough i hope ?

HOW HE DISCOVERED HE LIKED YOU:

the class had finished testing early, so the teacher decided to put on a movie.

AND FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON THE MOVIE WAS OLD YELLER?!!?!?

(basically it’s just an incredibly depressing dog movie. like, if you’ve never seen it then just imagine the saddest movie you’ve ever seen 10x)

anyways, you ended up crying. very loudly.

sugawara was incredibly concerned for you, since you seemed to be genuinely distraught, but he didn’t say anything

eventually, the teacher caught on to your disarray and excused you from the room so you could go calm yourself down.

after some time, the teacher tells suga to go check up on you to make sure ur not dead or whatever lol (you were taking a while).

he was hesitant to do this since he knew you weren’t too fond of him, but suga decides to do it anyways since he didn’t want to be a disobedient student.

he finds you sitting on a bench with tears streaming down your face

and MAN!!

all at once, suga gets this overwhelming urge to make you feel better. but like, as in, he-never-wants-to-see-you-in-this-kind-of-state again-otherwise-he-might-breakdown kind of urse.

despite not being super close to you, he had gotten so used to your large smiles and extroverted demeanor, that watching you cry felt foreign to him.

he missed your smile.

he soon realizes that seeing you upset hurts him because he genuinely cares about your well-being.

so he decides to make it his personal mission to make you smile again.

suga takes the spot next to you voicelesslyand tries his best to talk you through your dismay.

you don’t seem to mind the company, and to his delight you don’t seem to hate him as much as he thought you did!!

suga is very grateful for this

anyways, he manages to cheer you up, and the tips of your lips turn up into a small grin—just like he wanted them to.

AND BOY OH BOY WHEN THEY DO!!

whew this man’s heart skips a BEAT baby and he is lowkey spiraling lol he’s so confused like why is this girl’s smile making me feel some type of way

he had been so focused on what you thought about him, but he had never once stopped to consider what he thought about you (until this very moment, of course).

turns out suga was incredibly fond of you

yeah, that’s how he knew.

suga brain go brr 4 pretti girl

HOW HE CONFESSES:

you two had been hanging out more frequently as of late

and getting to know you was only making suga‘s crush grow EXPONENTIALLY

after many nights spent in long contemplation, he came to the conclusion that it was time to ‘man-up’ and just rip off the band-aid that was being honest about his feelings.

he buys a single flower (tanaka’s advice) and waits by your locker

very very simple and sweet confession typa beat :(

literally SO nervous pls help . he’s scratching the back of his neck and holding the flower out to you with a slight twinge in his cheeks.

“y/n...i know you weren’t too fond of me at first, but i...i don’t know i think we’re great together! and now that we hang out and stuff i was thinking that maybe we could-“

yeah you cut the poor boy off and said yes to put him out of his misery.

literally verbally celebrates when you accept his flower. does a lil victory dance and everything.

ugh yall r so cute.

AFTER HE CONFESSES:

YOU GUYS GET TOGETHER INSTANTLY WOOOOOO

somehow the most wholesome and chaotic couple to ever exist???

you guys spend like every waking moment together it’s adorable

noya and tanaka would jokingly hit on you and suga would pretend to be actually jealous.

i hc him as being a somewhat possessive-y boyfriend so do w that what you will

total best friend kind of lover but he’s also a sweetheart and rlly romantic + respectful abt ur needs:(

y’all r super comfy w each other !!

WHAT HE LOVES ABOUT YOU:

sugawara is usually the kind of person that’s always there for other people so he appreciates the fact that you’re the same way! you guys bond over your shared therapist/mom-friend tendencies, and quickly become the support systems you so desperately needed prior to getting together.

he’s there to listen to you about your problems and vice versa.

he adores how you can meet and sometimes even exceed his energy. it’s a nice change of pace since he usually gets scolded by daichi. </3

thinks it’s cute how much you care for animals! you’ll often find him staring at you in wonder as you pet a random dog on the street lol.

MISC HEADCANONS:

will spend hours on end watching you play video games on FaceTime. after a while, he ended up buying his own console and now you guys play together!

he’s fairly competitive, and will whine whenever you destroy beat him in a game!

he’s so cute pls

one of his favorite things to do after a long day is sit and play slower paced games such as minecraft and animal crossing with you.

whether it’s about your fav historical monument or about a new show you saw, suga will listen to you talk for hours and never get bored. usually he’s always got something to add to the convo though. sometimes you guys get overly excited together and end up speaking over each other in the same way.!

is INCREDIBLE at getting you to calm down?? like, if you ever need to be put in your place, suga knows exactly what to say to do it. does this make sense? lol. you guys have big ying and yang energy sometimes i feel.

you’re his BIGGEST supporter. whenever he’s put into games, you’re always the LOUDEST one cheering him one.

it really touches him to know that you’ll always be there to root for him!! even mr.refreshing gets down sometimes, so it’s incredible to have someone as positive as you by his side constantly reassuring him.

he’s a big animal person as well so you guys like going to volunteer at shelters together!

this was actually your second date HAHA.

if a dog is within a 40 ft radius from y’all, it is almost guaranteed that you guys will sprint to go pet them.

since you’re both athletic, you guys help each other practice sports together! suga’ll throw u soft toss and help you run drills and hype u up before games. & you’ll help him work on his technique and such <33.

y’all totally gossip together wow. you said you were a bit on the meaner side of the spectrum and lowkey he doesn’t mind AT ALL. he lives for it HAHAHAHA.

he literally thinks you’re stunning so it upsets him whenever you get insecure, but he’s always got the right thing to say to cheer you up! genuinely just,,,, so good with his words. if you’re having a bad night, he’s ready to come to your rescue with a gentle smile and funny one-liner and maybe a documentary if you’re lucky enough.

in his eyes, everything about you is beautiful. your hair. your freckles. your body. your laugh. your smile. everything!! he’s going to do whatever it takes for you to love yourself in the same way he loves you.

this man so whipped smh 🙄🙄

tl;dr: suga thinks you hate him. you don’t. you start hanging out. he confesses to you by the lockers. you start dating. you are infinitely better at gaming than he is and will never let him forget it.

YOUR ANTHEMS (in no particular order):

darling by christian leave

pleasantries (with your lover) by mustard service

upside down by jack johnson

sunflower, vol.6 by harry styles

what do you like in me? by nasty cherry

MOODBOARD:

pic 1 | pic 2 | pic 3 | pic 4

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—CONGRATS! YOU’VE WON THE HEART OF ONE OF THE PRETTIEST SETTERS ON THE BLOCK. TREAT HIM WELL! ☆

*do not repost my work without proper credit and my explicit premission

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[captainmazzic]

Happy Halloween.

So it’s about time I gave a real fucking update instead of just dicking around being cagey about shit. I’ve mentioned a new project repeatedly. So let’s sit down and actually talk about it, friends. Pull up a chair, grab yourself some hot cocoa and strap in. Welcome to Sarc’s emotional roller coaster.

Bear with me. This is hard to talk about for so many reasons, but mostly because I’ve been belittled and ridiculed so many times in my life for liking “cringy” things or wanting to do things that other people think are stupid or childish. I hear the voice of my father telling me to “make something of my life” and “don’t squander your talents”, I hear the voice of my mother telling me I have “so much potential” and “one day I hope you get some ambition”, I hear the voice of my ex telling me to “stop wasting time with stupid shit” and “nobody is interested in failures”. I hear old teachers telling me honor roll students should go to college and study high-demand majors and anything else would be lazy and detrimental and won’t contribute anything worthwhile to society.

It’s the same shit that prevented me for a long time from posting art online. From posting writing online. From making ocs and showing them to other people. And now it’s preventing me from starting this project, and I’m so, so tired of it.

My biggest fear right now is that once I start talking about this project I’ll lose this tiny little community of people vaguely interested in my stuff that have somehow stuck around. External validation and sharing the things I love are my primary motivations with everything I do online, and while screaming into the void is all well and good, I need feedback and interaction and community. I need it so, so badly. I wouldn’t post jack shit – ever – if I didn’t need that, to be honest.

So anyway.

When the pandemic kicked into high gear earlier this year I got laid off for a few months. It gave me a lot of time to think about who I am and where I wanted to be in life, what mattered to me, what dreams I still had and which ones had fallen by the wayside.

Some of them are huge – once upon a time I was very religious. I went through seminary, got my minister’s certification, and was slated to be an associate pastor in a mega-church and rake in a six-figure income within 3 years. But I lost my faith and couldn’t stand the idea of being disingenuous.

And there was also a time when I received a full-ride scholarship to a very prestigious university that would have spanned a 12-year program and resulted in me having several doctorates and masters degrees by the end of it, in the fields of geology, palaeontology, and cladistics. But the scholarship program that was supposed to sponsor me went bankrupt the very semester I was supposed to capitalize on it. I was still accepted into the school, but the $1.2 million price tag would have all been out of my own pocket. So obviously that didn’t happen.

Those were the “acceptable” dreams. Those were the ones that parents and teachers and the general outside world approved of and thought were worthy goals. But neither of them panned out, and all I have left are the cringy ones. Like homesteading and sustainable living (can’t start without land, can’t have land without money). Like making comic books and doing art commissions for a living (it has to be steady to support myself, and I’m far too slow an artist for things to be steady). And like… playing video games.

Ha.

What’s funny is I can already envision the eyerolls and hear the snorts of laughter. What kind of dream is that? Only a handful of famous youtubers and twitch celebrities play video games for a living, and breaking into a field like that is pretty much impossible unless you already have friends in famous places.

Yeah, but… it would be so much fun. Right?

It WOULD be fun. I don’t have to become a super popular celebrity for it to be fun, right?

I don’t have to make it my day job and rake in piles of cash for it to be fun, right?

… I don’t have to actually be successful for it to be fun… right?

… Right?

:/

… I love video games.

I’ve loved them ever since I tried and failed so many times to win The Empire Strikes Back on Atari 2600. I’ve loved them ever since I played Mortal Kombat with my cousin in his basement with the sound down super low because it was ultra-violent and I would have been in so much trouble if mom caught me playing it. I’ve loved them ever since I tried and failed to finish Strife and Hexen and Heretic without the computer crashing and rebooting to DOS. I’ve loved them ever since I had to cheat-code my way through Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II just to get past the first boss fight but then no-clipped through the wall and died anyway. I still love that game.

But I stopped playing video games for a very long time. I was intimidated out of them by an ex and a somewhat toxic friend group who were Real Gamers™. I was brought to LAN parties but not allowed to play, because I slowed down the team and didn’t know the controls. I was banned from commenting on other people’s moves or cheering people on because it was distracting and I could cost them a win. I was even kicked out of their online D&D campaigns because I couldn’t be serious enough or roleplay well enough for their standards. Even if I was playing a game on my own, I couldn’t play with anyone else in the house because I’d be ridiculed for dying a lot, or for going the wrong way, or for picking the wrong game because only certain games are “good” and most of the ones I wanted to play were “stupid” or “trash” or a “waste of time”.

That kind of thing sits with me for a very, very long time. I didn’t really play games at all for over a decade. Even after I ended up on the opposite side of the country, with a new circle of friends, I couldn’t bring myself to play much of anything.

And then I had an extended visit with a friend of mine, and he introduced me to an early version of a ridiculous little game called Minecraft. My friend was an avid gamer but also a very kind one. In the ten years before this, I had told myself that I just preferred to watch other people play games instead of playing them myself (a lie. I mean, I absolutely adore watching other people play, but I also want to play too lol), my friend saw through that and very gently encouraged me to take a stab at playing Minecraft myself. He moved his laptop over to me, and I played a whole ten minutes with him watching before my nerves failed me and I promptly died. But miraculously it wasn’t a big deal to him. It was just a game. I might have cried in relief, I don’t remember.

After my visit I shelved playing video games for like another year, despite buying a whole mess of them because other friends online loved certain titles and wanted to talk about them with me. (I never played them, just bought them. I couldn’t even handle the thought of playing by myself in my own house). But for some reason I mentioned to my brother-in-law my old visit to my Minecraft-loving friend, and he just… up and bought the game for me. My brother-in-law is also an avid gamer with a lovely and patient disposition, and he suggested I just play in creative mode and build things to start. So I did that (behind a locked door in the RV that I lived in by myself, with the lights off and the sound down low) and Minecraft was my sole video game for another several years.

Then a couple years ago another friend of mine (hi Char) introduced me to Star Wars: The Old Republic, and I fell in love. It sparked a renewed interest in video games that I thought I would never really have the opportunity to satisfy, because games were still intimidating.

Let me clarify: I… SUCK. At video games. I’m terrible at them. Learning controls is a nightmare and a tunicate evolving its own brain would learn faster than me. If I’m aiming, I can’t hit the broad side of a barn. I have the direction sense of a whirligig beetle on the back of a drunk pigeon. I die fast and I die often. I can count the number of games I’ve actually finished on one hand. Even less if we don’t count the ones I had to use cheat codes to get through. But none of that diminishes my love of experiencing them, and over this whole pandemic and quarantine thing I’ve had a lot of time to unpack and mull over my thoughts and feelings and passions about them.

… I moved my RV to a new spot literally the day before the lockdown in my state first initiated. Before this I was in a spot that had no internet other than what reception I could get on my phone, with severely limited bandwidth and patchy, unreliable service. The new spot has a steady wi-fi connection, and while upload speed is utter shit, downloading and streaming video are just this side of manageable. So I spent the first three months of the quarantine lockdown doing pretty much nothing other than watching Jacksepticeye, CrankGameplays, and Markiplier play video games on YouTube. (I honestly had no idea before this that people even did let’s plays. My internet access/speed has been shit for so long I’m totally out of the loop).

It… for fear of sounding utterly stupid yet again, it inspired me.

Like. These people really love what they’re doing. They just. Play video games and have fun with it, and I mean yeah they make money hand-over-fist doing it but the main thing is they HAVE FUN doing it. They have fun! Playing video games! In front of people! It’s wild. And the thing that REALLY got me was… they have feedback on it too. They have a COMMUNITY. They have people they can talk to about it. They have people that they can play games WITH, even, who don’t yell at them or tell them they suck every five minutes or tell them they can’t play with them because they’re worthless as teammates. They can fuck up in a game and their friends are laughing along with them on Discord instead of screaming at them to get it right or get out. They can play games by themselves in their house and then upload videos on the internet and then they can talk to other people about it! They have fun! It’s awesome! They have fun!!

I just. It meant so much to me. It meant so much to me to see these videos of these three, and then another dozen or so that I’ve followed since, play all these games and have such a good time and also be such a positive and kind and encouraging source of energy.

I know all of this is not exactly about video games specifically. It’s about coming to terms with how I’ve been treated as a person and as a friend, about how other people respect someone’s interests and passions, about how it’s okay to share your interests with other people and it’s okay to like things that other people might not care about or think are important.

And I’m so, so tired of not doing the things I love because I’m afraid of what other people will think.

So I, uh. I invested all of the stimulus money I had into a new rig and equipment like a camera, lighting, acoustic panels, all that shit. I dug out all the games I bought but never played, I made accounts on all the big gaming services like Steam and Itch.io and GoG, and I made a YouTube channel. And I’m going to be making my own let’s plays. And it will suck, and it will be cringy and awkward and badly done, and it won’t make me money or be a valid career option or be anything but another very expensive hobby, but it will be mine, and it will be something I can share with people and (hopefully) have fun with, and it will (hopefully) be an avenue for some of this positive social interaction I’m craving.

I know YouTube can be toxic and super negative and full of trolls and cancel culture fanatics and people just waiting to find something to tear you down for, but like. Come on, y’all. I’m posting this on tumblr dot com. Toxic is everywhere anyway. I just want to try, you know?

I just want to love video games again.

Someone famous that I look up to so, so much told me – without knowing that I was even listening, without even knowing that I even exist – that if I enjoy doing something, to just go for it. To just jump in and do it, and if it works then it works, and if it doesn’t, what have I actually lost?

And I’m lucky enough to have four whole offline friends that I’ve mentioned this idea to, and each of them has said encouraging things like I’d have a good voice and face and style for making let’s plays. I honestly don’t know how true that part is, but on my good days I believe them. And they also said that I should go for it, to just try.

So that’s… that’s what I’m doing, I guess. I just want to try.

I know it’s not Star Wars fanart. I know it’s not Star Wars fanfiction. I know it’s not Star Wars meta or essays or ranting about the Sith and the Jedi and the Force. I know it’s not what y’all want from me. And that’s utterly terrifying. I’m bracing myself to be alone on the internet again, because I know that when I dive headfirst into this thing, it’ll eat away into the time that I normally might be spending doing writing or art, and it’s going to be something no one else wants to see and no one signed up for. And that’s partly why it’s taken me so very, very long to get started.

The other part is more physical. Of course as soon as I decide that I’m going to put my face on a camera is when my entire face goes to shit. I’m currently waiting on a potential diagnosis for mouth cancer, while already dealing with a severe jaw infection that’s causing my teeth and gums to rot inside my mouth. They already took part of my jaw, I’m missing teeth, others are turning black, if I open my mouth even just a little it is so obvious and I look like a very, very literal zombie. I have never been more grateful that masks are socially acceptable. I have a series of twelve appointments scheduled to treat this shit now that I have dental and health insurance (goodbye paycheque), and I might qualify for reconstruction surgery too. But that doesn’t really help how I look right now.

So I just can’t bring myself to start this project just yet. I’ve been sitting on it for months now with all the other pieces in place, but I just. Can’t. Start. It’s driving me crazy, because I want to start so badly. I feel like I’m wasting time. I feel like I’ve already wasted so much time, because I haven’t even done anything else in the meantime. I haven’t done hardly any art or fanfic, nothing. My anxiety is spiking so high right now because I have all these expectations of myself, but I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been told that I could just start without a camera or wear a mask on screen, and I’ve actually done some recording doing exactly that, but I just… can’t seem to make anything I want to finalize.

It’s also frustrating because I have no way of uploading anything at home. I’ll have to go over to my partner’s house which is nearly an hour’s drive away in order to get internet good enough to upload videos, which means that upload schedules are going to be shiiiiiit and that’s also frustrating.

But. But. BUT. I want to do this.

I want to do this so badly. I want to share let’s plays and experience a love of video games with other people. I want to actually play games with other people too. I also just acquired a piano keyboard, and I want to play again on the regular because I miss it so much. I used to play piano for hours every single day, it’s so relaxing and fun, maybe I can post that too. Maybe I can post let’s draws or something, where I ask y’all what to draw and then make a video of me drawing it while bullshitting to the camera I don’t know it sounds like fun. Maybe I can post videos of my cooking because the shit I make seems to be everyone’s favourite thing on instagram, and maybe I can take my camera with me when I go to the ocean or hike up into the middle of nowhere in the mountains and film how beautiful everything is up there. Or maybe I can do none of that and just focus on one thing, I honestly have no idea what I’m doing or how to do it, but I just… I want to try. I just want to try.

I don’t know where any of this is going anymore. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to messages, or opened up commissions. I’m sorry that this isn’t what y’all wanted. I’m still going to continue drawing and writing, I’m still going to be around, I’m not going anywhere, but I have no idea how prolific I’m going to be and I have no idea even when I’ll start uploading videos, to be honest. But I just. I’m just gonna try. It might still take me a while but I’m gonna try. Wish me luck. I love y’all.

[duchessfics]

Quarantine Headcanons for Billie x Reader x Audrey

This is for Anon: Can you do another Billie Audrey and reader story they are addicting and you’re such a great reader!! Can we see one where they are in quarantine and a lot of fluff?

I know this isn’t a fic, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! Also I hope you all are still staying safe and healthy at this time. And maybe these headcanons will bring a little sunshine to your day! Thank you for all of the likes and feedback! 💖

(https://ahsdaily.co.vu/post/150514222930)

I alluded to this in my other fic at the beginning of quarantining for coronavirus, but Billie would for sure take this time to have sex with you and Audrey anywhere and in every position.

Of course there are the usual places like your bed, your shower, your bathtub, and your couch. But you end up christening the living room coffee table, the steps of your staircase, the top of your washing machine in between cycles, and even one time inside of your food pantry.

Because both Billie and Audrey are celebrities, they both take part in different Instagram lives on their own and with other people. Normally you stay out of the public eye because if they are invited to an event they only get a plus one. So they go together. But when you accidentally interrupt their shared live, people immediately are interested in you.

At first Audrey is a little annoyed at all of the attention you’re getting just for accidentally opening the door and Billie giving you a minimal introduction. But you suggest that maybe after people see you once they’ll get bored and move on. So in the next live they do, they introduce you and it helps…kind of.

Instead of people focusing on you, their audience focuses on all three of you being an item. So once a week, all three of you will sit down and do a short live. Sometimes you answer questions, sometimes you play a boardgame, or sometimes you just chat for a while. But people love it either way.

Speaking of social media, it’s early on during quarantine when you download tiktok. And while you were skeptical about the app before all of this, you do find yourself learning the dances and posting some of your own content.

Of course your girlfriends are featured in a few of your tiktoks, but they also just think it’s funny and cute to see you randomly doing the dances around the house and singing to yourself. However if they wake up to see you still scrolling through tiktok for what’s probably been hours into the middle of the night, they will sandwich you in between them and summon you to sleep by intensive cuddling.

Because of the virus, your usual staff that performs daily tasks can’t come over. So Audrey signs the three of you up for an online cooking course. In the beginning, you know most of the techniques, but you do end up refining your skill. And Billie and Audrey become much, much better cooks.

And because Audrey feels so passionate about cooking now, she decides to order plenty of seeds to plant a whole garden. And this garden is supposed to take up a large chunk of your yard. However, because all three of you have never done something like this before, you look up how to successfully plant a garden and manage to actually do it.

Once it’s completely planted, this garden is Audrey’s literal child. She will go out each morning to track each plant’s growth. Her Instagram essentially becomes one for her garden and one time when she saw a racoon trying to get some of the fruits (and vegetables) of her labor, Audrey literally ran out and chased them off before you or Billie could stop her.

Besides learning how to cook, both Billie and Audrey have to clean. You never thought you would see your girlfriends doing laundry or scrubbing toilets, but they do it. And in the process, you help them go through and declutter the entire house for the first time in many, many years. That helps to refresh the house and makes cleaning much easier.

After a couple weeks of doing these hands-on tasks Billie’s acrylics all eventually pop off. So you offer your “services” to give her a manicure and she gladly accepts. She even lets you pick out the colors. Of course Audrey joins in and incorporates special toners, serums, and facial treatments since her aesthetician is unavailable and she’s afraid of her wrinkles emerging (Which both you and Billie assure her are nonexistent, but still)

Even with all of these new tasks, after being at home for more than three months you are bored and want to change something up. Specifically you want to do something different with your hair. When you mention it, both of your girlfriends think you’re joking and say you wouldn’t even know how to pick out the right hair color let alone actually doing anything.

That angers you and only makes you more determined to prove them wrong. So you order some bleach and hair dye and secretly use them. However instead of surprising your girlfriends with a gorgeous new head of hair, you come to them with tears and completely ruined hair.

Both Billie and Audrey feel horrible seeing you so defeated, but there’s nothing they can really do except section your hair off and try to salvage what healthy hair remains, resulting in a very short haircut. Luckily the short hairstyle actually looks amazing on you! And Billie and Audrey love it as well.

Because the three of you have more time together than ever before, you’re able to be more involved with some of Billie and Audrey’s personal ventures. So when Audrey needs to practice reading her lines, you take on the other characters and read through the script with her.

Of course you speak in silly voices and make funny faces for different characters which makes Audrey giggle and reprimand you, but she does find it adorable and it helps her to remain in character better.

On Billie’s end, fortunately you are able to have access to an isolated tennis court. So you get to watch the medium play a sport that she is well-versed in. Plus seeing her in different cute tennis outfits all sweaty and wet…it just does things to you.

To try and make it fair, you and Audrey play as a team against Billie, but she still annihilates you both. While you and Audrey are exhausted and completely winded, Billie looks fully enlivened and even says this is “rusty” for her compared to when she regularly played.

Another thing you and Billie do while Audrey works virtually is check out a possible abandoned house for Billie to film at. In the beginning you are able to play it cool. However as she looks around and speaks with forces that are invisible to your eyes you begin to get the creeps.

You trust Billie, but after a couple hours of having lights flick on and off, unexplained footsteps, and cold drafts as she continues to speak to different spirits, you’re practically climbing up onto her, terrified.

Billie didn’t realize how intense the experience would be so when she sees you so scared she feels terrible. But you promise you’ll be ok. However when Audrey sees you even she notices how shaken up you are. So you share a nice, hot bath and Billie uses some cleansing techniques she has learned making you feel better. And she promises to be more aware of checking in on you next time.

A couple weeks before the date, they remember your birthday is coming up. Due to the coronavirus you can’t really do much. But they still ask what you would like to do out of the options available.

For you just being around your girlfriends is a gift in itself, but they insist. So you tell them that you would enjoy just spending a day out in nature after being cooped up for so long. Billie and Audrey take your small suggestion and go even further. On the morning of your birthday, they wake you up by serving you breakfast in bed. And it’s actually a good breakfast!

Then the three of you go to a park that is never very popular and hike a couple trails. And it just feels nice to have an outing. After hiking, you pick up take out from your favorite local restaurant and eat at home. And to finish the night off, the three of you have a campfire, make smores, and lay on a blanket to look up at the stars while cuddling and talking. Even though the day seems ordinary, this is one of the best birthdays you have had in years.

In terms of other holidays, you don’t really do too much. On Easter, Audrey convinces you and Billie to dress up and take some spring pictures in your yard. The theme was pastel colors and seeing Billie with her pearls in a blush pink dress as well as Audrey in a pistachio jumpsuit with a spontaneously made flower crown is adorable.  

On the fourth of July, you grill up some food and the three of you spend the day by the pool. The day is even more special because Billie wears an American flag bikini you and Audrey bought for her with a cherry red color on her lips that matches her nails. Seeing her laid out like that has never made you or Audrey feel more patriotic in your lives. And she knows it too.

Now because Audrey is British, you and Billie enjoy teasing her about the defeat of England. She plays along, but really isn’t bothered. Especially because both of the loves of her life were born and raised in the United States.

For the first time all three of you are able to sit back and binge Netflix and Hulu as long as you want. And when you find out a couple of movies Audrey first appeared in are coming to these streaming services you ask about watching them.

At first she says no out of embarrassment, but after you promise to not make fun of her, she lets you watch them. In reality she is the hardest on herself about her “horrible” acting and how old she looks now. But you and Billie reassure her that she performed well and still looks absolutely beautiful.

This year Audrey received an invitation to attend the met gala and planned to take Billie as her plus one. Of course Audrey knows in the whole scheme of things, going to some gala is not something to make a big deal out of. But you and Billie know how honored Audrey felt and how disappointed she is. So you get her to put on the dress and give her a personal photoshoot. Of course it’s nowhere near professional, but the photos come out gorgeous and it does lift her spirits to see them.

When the information came out about masks being important to help flatten the curve and work to prevent the spread of coronavirus, before you can even look into it, Audrey has purchased color-coordinating masks for all three of you so you can match. But at the same time they are different enough to flatter each of your personal styles. And any time you have to go out, you all make sure to wear the coordinating ones.

Originally the three of you were going to travel to England to meet Audrey’s family for the first time this summer. Of course with the coronavirus you cancelled plans, however the three of your do take the time to FaceTime her family and meet them virtually. And they are all so nice. That’s when you see where Audrey gets her bubbly and friendly personality from.

You also take the time to FaceTime your own family and Billie’s family. For the first time you feel connected to a network of loved ones outside of the three of you and it’s really nice.

Finally, because the three of you are staying home, you take the opportunity to foster pets. You have always wanted to foster neonatal kittens and this is the perfect opportunity. Plus the idea of seeing your girlfriends holding and caring for the kittens makes your heart melt.  

In the process the shelter contacts you about a dog to foster. At first, Audrey says no, but they assure you they’ll find a different foster home for them by the end of the weekend. So she begrudgingly allows it and—no kidding she falls in love with the dog.

The dog loves sniffing the kittens (but they are also lowkey terrified because they’re so small and fragile), going on long walks with Audrey, playing fetch or tug-of-war with you, and snuggling up with Billie at night. So you do end up fostering the dog and consider adoption. 

However when you meet the applicant and see the dog light up at seeing the children of the family, you know they belong with these adopters who have kids for them to play with. So…even though it’s tough and Audrey sheds some tears, you all remember the good times you had with the dog and know the kittens will be there to snuggle and provide a little comfort when you get home.

Tagged: @marilynroselleprentiss, @saviorinsilk, @chokemepaulson, @versonstar, @find-me-a-constellation, @cordwliagoode, @psychobitchtess, @midnight-lestrange, @mysweetdelia, @venablesbitch, @peachesandlesbians, @nerdaroo, @cordeliafoxxe, @leskaksel, @lovelymspaulson, @grilledcheeseandguavajelly, @whatabluddymess​, @natasha-danvers, @saucy-sapphic​, @marvelfansince08love​, @wilheminawinters​, @dontsblameme​, @mssallymckenna​

Let me know if you would like to be tagged in later works!

[thisissirius]

for my wonderful @hearteyesforbuck (i wish i could hold you on a day you clearly need snuggles <3) I LOVE YOU

hold [ao3 link] eddie/buck, fluff

“I’m just finishing up,” Eddie says, working his foot into his sneaker. “How’s Chris?”

“Ordering pizza.” Buck sounds amused at Eddie’s groan. “Your fault for calling me now.”

Eddie sighs, resolves himself to spending the evening trying out various toppings that should not go together under any circumstances. 

“You sound tired,” Buck says gently. “Rough shift?”

“Long.” Eddie shrugs a shoulder even though he knows Buck can’t see it. 

Buck hums. “Come home, Eds. We’ll be waiting.”

Eddie stares down at his unlaced sneakers, feels his lips curve into a smile at the thought of his boys, both of them, home waiting for him. “I love you.”

“I love you too. See you soon.”

Hanging up the phone, Eddie stares at it for a moment, rubbing his thumb over his lock screen. It’s Buck and Chris, pulling stupid faces at the camera during their trip to Disney World. Eddie misses them violently, always does when he’s been on a shift by himself, and laces up his shoes. 

Hen and Chim booked it as soon as their shift was over, and even Cap poked his head in a couple of minutes before Eddie picked up his phone. Eddie’s the last to leave, and as he waves at the night shift, he pockets his phone, ignoring the protesting his body’s doing at being forced to move. 

The house looks warm and inviting when he finally pulls into the driveway, and it takes him longer than he wants to admit to force his body to open the door to the truck. He can’t pinpoint any one thing that’s causing his body to decide enough is enough. The door opens while he’s locking up, and Buck’s there, leaning against the door jamb. 

“Hey,” Eddie says, shouldering his bag. 

Buck’s eyes drag over his body, eyes warm, his smile tinged with worry. “You doing okay?”

“I’m fine,” Eddie says, stepping into Buck’s space. Buck’s hands immediately rest on his hips. Eddie sags a little, leaning in for a soft kiss. “Just tired.”

“You can sleep through the movie,” Buck says quietly, fingers running through Eddie’s hair. “Come on. Drop the bag and shoes. Pizza’s already here.”

Eddie’s stomach chooses that moment to remind him he’s hungry, and he closes the door, eyeing the pizza boxes on the kitchen side. Eddie kicks off his shoes, leaving his bag by the door—-knowing it’ll irritate both he and Buck in the morning—-and pokes his head around the corner.

Chris looks up from where he’s digging through the movie pile. “Dad! Did you have a good day?”

“I did,” Eddie says, leaning down to kiss the top of Chris’ head, ruffle his curls. “Missed you.”

“It wasn’t that long,” Chris says, but he touches Eddie’s face, gives him a bright smile. “You’re home now.”

Eddie is; he feels more relaxed, and rocks back on his heels as Buck comes into the room with plates balancing on top of the pizza boxes. “What have I told you about that?”

Buck sticks out his tongue and waits for Eddie to take the plates, shoving the pizza boxes onto the coffee table. Pizza night is the only time they allow Chris to eat from plates on the couch rather than at the dinner table. They’re trying to set a routine after all. Chris is humming between two movies, so Buck and Eddie leave him to it, sorting the pizza between the three of them. 

“These toppings don’t look so bad,” Eddie says, meeting Buck’s eyes. 

Buck shrugs, expression still warm. “He heard me ask about your day. I think he wanted to give you less stress.”

“Oh.” Eddie doesn’t know what else to say. 

Leaning over, Buck touches Eddie’s cheek in the same way Chris does, thumb stroking gently over Eddie’s cheek. “You raised a good boy, Eddie.”

Eddie opens his mouth to deny it, closes it again. He’s not perfect at accepting compliments, but he’s trying to get better. It’s a good feeling, to think that he’s partially responsible for the boy Chris is becoming. “You helped.”

Buck turns pink, ducking to hide his smile as he holds out a plate to Chris. “Here’s your pizza, buddy.”

“I think we should watch Aristocats,” Chris says decisively. “Dad likes the songs.”

Eddie frowns. “Is that the one with the cats?”

“That would be why it’s called Aristocats, Eddie,” Buck says with a cheeky grin, kissing the top of Eddie’s head and avoiding the smack Eddie aims at his legs. “Good plan, Chris. We can record your dad singing along to Everybody Wants to Be a Cat.”

“I don’t think so,” Eddie warns, and takes his own plate, sliding back onto the couch, waiting for Chris to queue up the movie. He likes to have DVDs around the house instead of relying on streaming services he can’t always promise he can afford. Chris shoves them haphazardly under the entertainment center—-again, something for him and Buck to argue over cleaning—-and then shuffles backward. “Sit on the couch, Chris.”

“I’m okay,” Chris says, sharing a look with Buck. there are cushions on the floor, Eddie realizes, set up in a way that Chris likes when he wants to spread out.

“Sit back.”

Eddie jumps, not expecting Buck to be so close, and he raises his eyebrows. “What?”

The opening song plays from the TV and Eddie’s momentarily distracted, before Buck settles back on the couch. He’s sitting sideways, the way he likes to when Chris is in bed and the two of them want to cuddle. Eddie’s chest constricts.

“The pizza—”

“Relax,” Buck whispers, kissing Eddie’s temple.

Eddie lets himself be moved, settling between Buck’s legs, head cradled against his shoulder. “You’ll get crumbs in my hair.”

Buck laughs, ticking the back of Eddie’s neck. “I promise to eat away from you.”

Humming, Eddie decides not to argue. He likes it; Buck’s arms around him, the solid lines of Buck’s body beneath him, Chris’ head just close enough to touch if he wants to. Focusing on the movie, Eddie devours his slices of pizza, body starting to relax as he listens to Chris and Buck’s quiet murmurs, the escapades of the cats. 

There’s a moment when he almost loses the plate, jerks his eyes open in time to see Buck catch it, sliding it onto the coffee table. He drifts again, only waking when he feels someone moving him. 

“Where’s Chris?” Eddie asks, panicked. 

“Asleep” Buck says gently, sliding back between Eddie and the couch. “He kissed you goodnight.”

“Missed it,” Eddie mumbles, settling back against Buck. They should move; the bed’s much comfier and even with a day off the next day, he doesn’t wanna deal with any sore muscles. Instead, he presses into the hand Buck strokes through his hair, teasing the short strands. Eddie likes the feeling of Buck’s hands in his hair, scratching at his scalp, sending shivers down his spine. 

Buck kisses his cheek, nose, works his way down until Eddie leans up for a kiss. The soft look on Buck’s face never fails to make Eddie’s heart beat faster, to settle whatever worries and doubts are racing through his head. Buck loves him. It’s a sure thing. Buck’s a sure thing and Eddie’s still trying to believe it. 

“I love you,” Eddie mumbles. It’s not always been easy to say, but when he can, he tries to. Buck deserves to hear it. 

Buck breathes out slowly, the steady rise and fall of his chest lulling Eddie back into sleep. “I love you too, Eds.”

“Bed,” Eddie says on the next breath, curling a hand against Buck’s shirt.

“Later,” Buck promises. He holds Eddie tight, legs framing Eddie’s, curling slightly so that Eddie’s protected by the back of the couch to the back, Buck to the front. Eddie presses his face into Buck’s neck, kisses the skin there gently, unafraid to show affection. Tension bleeds out of him, and Eddie falls into a comfortable doze, the worries and stresses of the day fading. 

Edide’s spent most of his life being overwhelmed; being a husband, fatherhood, war. He’s always felt adrift, split between too many places with little direction and a fear of the things he’s messing up. They’re still there, moments when he worries he’s not enough, that he’s ruining Chris—-except when he’s around Buck. Somehow, he’s made a best friend who loves him without condition, who stands by him and refuses to leave even when he should. 

Eddie’s done that; built himself a family that wants him, protects him. 

Loves him—-and he’s never letting it go.

[livingdeadinsideyourhead]

Free Music in a Capitalist Society - Iggy Pop's Keynote Speech Transcript

Hi, I'm Iggy Pop. I've held a steady job at BBC 6 Music now for almost a year, which is a long time in my game. I always hated radio and the jerks who pushed that shit music into my tender mind, with rare exceptions. When I was a boy, I used to sit for hours suffering through the entire US radio top 40 waiting for that one song by The Beatles and the other one by The Kinks. Had there been anything like John Peel available in my Midwestern town I would have been thrilled. So it's an honor to be here. I understand that. I appreciate it.

Some months ago when the idea of this talk came up I thought it might be okay to talk about free music in a Capitalist society. So that's what I'm gonna try to talk about. A society in which the Capitalist system dominates all the others, and seeks their destruction when they get in its way. Since then, the shit has really hit the fan on the subject, thanks to U2 and Apple. I worked half of my life for free. I didn't really think about that one way or the other, until the masters of the record industry kept complaining that I wasn't making them any money. To tell you the truth, when it comes to art, money is an unimportant detail. It just happens to be a huge one unimportant detail. But, a good LP is a being, it's not a product. It has a life-force, a personality, and a history, just like you and me. It can be your friend. Try explaining that to a weasel.

As I learned when I hit 30 +, and realized I was penniless, and almost unable to get my music released, music had become an industrial art and it was the people who excelled at the industry who got to make the art. I had to sell most of my future rights to keep making records to keep going. And now, thanks to digital advances, we have a very large industry, which is laughably maybe almost entirely pirate so nobody can collect shit. Well, it was to be expected. Everybody made a lot of money reselling all of recorded musical history in CD form back in the 90s, but now the cat is out of the bag and the new electronic devices which estrange people from their morals also make it easier to steal music than to pay for it. So there's gonna be a correction.

When I started The Stooges we were organized as a group of Utopian communists. All the money was held communally and we lived together while we shared the pursuit of a radical ideal. We shared all song writing, publishing and royalty credits equally – didn’t matter who wrote it - because we'd seen it on the back of a Doors album and thought it was cool, at least I did. Yeah. I thought songwriting was about the glory, I didn't know you'd get paid for it. We practiced a total immersion to try to forge a new approach which would be something of our own. Something of lasting value. Something that was going to be revealed and created and was not yet known.

We are now in the age of the schemer and the plan is always big, big, big, but it's the nature of the technology created in the service of the various schemes that the pond, while wide, is very shallow. Nobody cares about anything too deeply expect money. Running out of it, getting it. I never sincerely wanted to be rich. There is a, in the US, we have this guy “Do you sincerely wanna be rich? You can do it!” I didn’t sincerely want to be rich. I never sincerely felt like making anyone else that way. That made me a kind of a wild card in the 60's and 70's. I got into the game because it felt good to play and it felt like being free. I'm still hearing today about how my early works with The Stooges were flops. But they're still in print and they sell 45 years later, they sell. Okay, it took 20 or 25 years for the first royalties to roll in. So sue me.

Some of us who couldn't get anywhere for years kept beating our heads against the same wall to no avail. No one did that better than my friends The Ramones. They kept putting out album after album, frustrated that they weren't getting the hit. They even tried Phil Spector and his handgun. After the first couple of records, which made a big impact, they couldn't sustain the quality, but I noticed that every album had at least one great song and I thought, wow if these guys would just stop and give it a rest, society would for sure catch up to them. And that's what's happening now, but they're not around to enjoy it. I used to run into Johnny at a little rehearsal joint in New York and he'd be in a big room all alone with a Marshall stack just going "dum, dum, dum, dum, dum" all my himself. I asked him why and he said if he didn't practice doing that exactly the way he did it live he'd lose it. He was devoted and obsessive, so were Joey and Deedee. I like that. Johnny asked me one day - Iggy don't you hate Offspring and the way they're so popular with that crap they play. That should be us, they stole it from us. I told him look, some guys are born and raised to be the captain of the football team and some guys are just gonna be James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause and that's the way it is. Not everybody is meant to be big. Not everybody big is any good.

I only ever wanted the money because it was symbolic of love and the best thing I ever did was to make a lifetime commitment to continue playing music no matter what, which is what I resolved to do at the age of 18. If who you are is who you are that is really hard to steal, and it can lead you in all sorts of useful directions when the road ahead of you is blocked and it will get blocked. Now I'm older and I need all the dough I can get. So I too am concerned about losing those lovely royalties, now that they've finally arrived, in the maze of the Internet. But I'm also diversifying my income, because a stream will dry up. I'm not here to complain about that, I'm here to survive it.

When I was starting out as a full time musician I was walking down the street one bright afternoon in the seedier part of my Midwestern college town. I passed a dive bar and from it emerged a portly balding pallid middle aged musician in a white tux with a drink in one hand and a guitar in the other. He was blinking in the daylight. I had a strong intuition that this was a fate to be avoided. He seemed cut off from society and resigned to an oblivious obscurity. A bar fly. An accessory to booze. So how do you engage society as an artist and get them to pay you? Well, that's a matter of art. And endurance.

To start with, I cannot stress enough the importance of study. I was lucky to work in a discount record store in Ann Arbor Michigan as a stock boy where I was exposed to a little bit of every form of music imaginable on record at the time. I listened to it all whether I liked it or not. Be curious. And I played in my high school orchestra and I learned the joy of the warm organic instruments working together in the service of a classical piece. That sticks with you forever. If anyone out there can get a chance to put an instrument and some knowledge in some kids hand, you've done a great, great thing.

Comparative information is a key to freedom. I found other people who were smarter than me. To teach me. My first pro band was a blues band called The Prime Movers and the leader Michael Erlewine was a very bright hippy beatnik with a beautifully organized record collection in library form of The Blues. I'd never really heard the Blues. That part of our American heritage was kept off the major media. It was system up, people down. No Big Bill Broonzy on BBC for us. Boy I wish! No money in it. But everything I learned from Michael's beautiful library became the building blocks for anything good I've done since. Guys like this are priceless. If you find one, follow him, or her. Get the knowledge.

Once in secondary school in the 60's some class clowns dressed up the tallest guy in school in a trench coat, shades and a fedora and rushed him in to a school dance with great hubbub proclaiming "Del Shannon is here, Del Shannon is here." And until they got to the stage we all believed them, because nobody knew what Del Shannon looked like. He was just a voice on some great records. He had no social ID. By the early 60's that had really changed with the invasion of The Beatles and The Stones. This time TV was added to the mix and print media too. So you knew who they were, or so you thought anyway. I'm mentioning this because the best way to survive the death or change of an industry is to transcend its form. You're better off with an identity of your own or maybe a few of them. Something special.

It is my own personal view having lived through it that in America The Beatles replaced our assassinated president Kennedy, who represented our hopes for a certain kind of society. Didn’t get there. And The Stones replaced our assassinated folk music which our own leaders suppressed for cultural, racial, and financial reasons. It wasn't okay with everybody to be Kennedy or Muddy Waters, but those messages could be accepted if they came through white entertainers from the parent culture. That's why they’re still around.

Years later I had the impression that Apple, the corporation, had successfully co-opted the good feelings that the average American felt about the culture of the Beatles, by kind of stealing the name of their company so I bought a little stock. Good move. 1992. Woo! But look, everybody is subject to the rip off and has to change affiliations from time to time. Even Superman and Barbie were German before America tempted them to come over. Tough luck, Nietzche.

So who owns what anyway. Or as Bob Dylan said "The relationships of ownership." That’s gates of Eden. Nobody knows for long, especially these days. Apparently when BBC radio was founded, the record companies in England wouldn't allow the BBC to play their master recordings because they thought no one would buy them for their personal use if they could hear them free on the radio. So they were really confused about what they had. They didn’t get it. And how people feel about music. ‘Cause it’s a feel thing, and it resists logic. It’s not binary code. Later when CD's came in, the retail merchants in American all panicked because they were just too damn tiny and they thought that Americans want something that looks big, like a vinyl record. Well they had a point but their solution was a kind of Frankenstein called "The Long Box." It didn't fool anybody because half of it was empty. It had a little CD in the bottom. You’d open it up and it was empty. Now we have people in the Sahara using GPS to bury huge wads of Euros under sand dunes for safe keeping. But GPS was created for military spying from the high ground, not radical banking so any sophisticated system, along with the bounty it brings, is subject to primitive hijacking.

I wanna talk about a type of entrepreneur who functions as a kind of popular music patron of the arts. It’s good to know a patron. I call him El Padron because his relationship to the artist is essentially feudal, though benign. He or she (La Padrona) if you will, is someone, usually the product of successful, enlightened parents, who owns a record company, but has had benefit of a very good education, and can see a bigger picture than a petty business person. If they like an artists’ style and it suits them, they'll support you even if you’re not a big money spinner. I can tell you, some of these powerful guys get so bored that if you are fun in the office, you’ll go places. Their ancestors, the old time record crooks just made it their business to make great, great records, but also to rip off the artist 100%, copyright, publishing, royalty splits, agency fees, you name it. If anyone complained the line was "Pay you? We worship you!" God bless Bo Diddley.

By the time I came along, there was a new brand of Padron. People like this are still around and some can help you. One was named Jack Holzman. Jack had a beautiful label called Elektra Records, they put out Judy Collins, Tim Buckley, the Doors and Love. He'd started working in his family record store, like Brian Epstein. He dressed mod and he treated us very gently. He was a civilized man. He obviously loved the arts, but what he really wanted to do was build his business - and he did. He had his own concerns, and style, and you had to serve them, and of course when he sold out, as all indies do, you were stranded culturally in the hands of a cold clumsy conglomerate. But he put us in the right studios with the right producers and he tried to get us seen in the right venues and it really helped. This is a good example of the industry.

Another good guy I met is Sir Richard Branson. I ended up serving my full term at Virgin Records having been removed from every other label. And he created a superior culture there. People were happier and nicer than the weasels at some other places. The first time he tried to sign me it didn't work out, because I had my sights set on A&M, a company I thought would help make me respectable. After all they had Sting! Richard was secretly starting his own company at the time in the US and he phoned me in my tiny flat with no furniture. He said he'd give me a longer term deal with more dough than the other guys and he was very, very polite and soft spoken. But I had just smoked a joint that day and I couldn't make a decision. So I went with the other guys who soon got sick of me. Virgin picked me up again later on the rebound. And on the cheap. Damn. My own fault.

Another kind of indie legend who is slightly more contemporary is Long Gone John of the label Sympathy for the Record Industry. Good name. John is famous with some artists for his disinterest in paying royalties. He has a very interesting music themed folk art collection – its visible online - which includes my leather jacket. I wish he'd give it back. There are lots of indie people with a gift for organization who just kind of collect freaks and throw them up at the wall to see who sticks. You gotta watch 'em.

When you go a step down creatively from the Padrons who are actually entrepreneurs you get to the executives. You don't wanna know these guys. They usually came over from legal or accounting. They have protégés usually called A&R men to do their dirty work. You can become a favorite with them if your fame or image might reflect limelight on their career. They tend to have no personalities to speak of, which is their strength. Strangely they're never really thinking about the good of their parent company as much as old number one. Avoid them. If you’re an artist, they’ll make you sick or suicidal. The only good thing the conglomerate can do for you – and they’ve done it recently for me - is make you really, really ubiquitous. They do that well. But, when the company is your banker, then you are basically gonna be the Beverly Hill Billies. So it's best not to take their money. Especially when you’re young. These are very tough people, and they can hurt you.

So who are the good guys?! They asked me when they read this thing at BBC 6 Music. Well there are lots of them. If fact, today there are more than ever and they are just about all indies, but first I want to mention Peter Gabriel and WOMAD for everything they've done for what seems like forever to help the greatest musicians in the world, the so called world musicians to gain a foothold and make a living in the modern screwed up cash and carry world. Traditional music was never a for profit enterprise, all the best forms were developed as a kind of you’re job in the community. It was pretty good, it was “Yeah, I’m a musician, I’m gonna skip like doing the dishes or taking the trash out.” It's not surprising that all the greatest singers and players come from parts of the world where everybody is broke and the old ways are getting paved over. So it's crucial for everyone that these treasures not be lost. There are other people of means and intelligence who help others in this way like Philip Glass through Tibet House, David Burn with Luaka Bop, Damon Albarn through Honest John Records. Shout out to Hypnotic Brass Ensemble. Almost all the best music is coming out on indies today like XL Matador, Burger, Anti, Epitaph, Mute, Rough Trade, 4 A D, Sub Pop, etc. etc.

But now YouTube is trying to put the squeeze on these people because it's just easier for a power nerd to negotiate with a couple big labels who own the kind of music that people listen to when they're really not that into music, which of course is most people. So they've got the numbers. But the indies kind of have the guns. I've noticed that indies are showing strength at some of the established streaming services like Spotify and Rhapsody – people are choosing that music. And it's also great that some people are starting their own outlets, like Pledge Music, Band Camp or Drip. As the commercial trade swings more into general show biz the indies will be the only place to go for new talent, outside the Mickey Mouse Club, so I think they were right to band together and sign the Fair Digital Deals Declaration.

There are just so many ways to screw an artist that it's unbelievable. In the old vinyl days they would deduct 10% "breakage fees" for records supposedly broken in shipping, whether that happened or not, and now they have unattributed digital revenue, whatever the **** that means. It means money for some guy’s triple bypass. I actually think that what Thom Yorke has done with Bit Torrent is very good. I was gonna say here: “Sure the guy is a pirate at Bit Torrent” but I was warned legally, so I’ll say: “Sure the guy a Bit Torrent is a pirate’s friend” But all pirates want to go legit, just like I wanted to be respectable. It’s normal. After a while people feel like you’re a crook, it’s too hard to do business. So it���s good in this case that Thom Yorke is encouraging a positive change. The music is good. It’s being offered at a low price direct to people who care.

I want to try to define what I am talking about when I say free. For me in the arts or in the media, there are two kinds of free. One kind of free is when the process is something that people just feel for you. You feel a sense of possibility. You feel a lack of constraint. This leads to powerful, energetic, sometimes kind of loony situations.

Vice Media is an interesting case of this because they started as a free handout, using public funds, and they had open, free-wheeling minds. Originally a free handout was called Voice and these kids were like “Just get rid of the old! I don’t wanna be Vice, yeah!” Okay. By taking an immersive approach with no particular preconceptions to their reporting, they've become a huge success, also through corporate advertising, at attracting big, big money investment hundreds of millions of dollars now pumped into Fox Media and a couple of others bigger than that in the US. And they get it because they attract lots of little boy eyeballs. So they brought us Dennis Rodman in North Korea. And it’s kind of a travesty, but it’s kind of spunky. It's interesting that capital investment, for all its posturing, never really leads, it always follows. They follow the action. So if it's money you're after, be the yourself in a consistent way and you might get it. You’ll at least end up getting what you are worth and feel better. Just follow your nose.

The second kind of freedom to me that is important in the media is the idea of giving freely. When you feel or sense that someone that someone is giving you something not out of profit, but out of self-respect, Christian charity, whatever it is. That has a very powerful energy. The Guardian, in my understanding, was founded by an endowment by a successful man with a social conscience who wanted to help create a voice for what I would call the little guy. So they have a kind of moral mission or imperative. This has given them the latitude to try to be interesting, thoughtful, helpful. And they bring Edward Snowden to the world stage. Something that is not pleasant for a lot of people to hear about, but we need to know.

These two approaches couldn't be more different. To justify their new mega bucks Vice will have to expand and expand in capital terms. Presumably they'll have to titillate a dumb, but energetic audience. Of course all capitalist expansions are subject to the big bang – balloon, bust, poof, and you’re gone. As for the Guardian I would imagine that the task involves gaining the trust and support of a more discerning, less definable reader, without spending the principal. There is usually an antipathy between cultural poles, but these two actually have a lot in common in terms of the energy and nuisance to power that they are willing to generate. I wish red and blue could come together somehow.

Sometimes I'd rather read than listen to music. One of my favourite odd books is Bootleg: The Secret History of the Other Recording Industry by Clinton Heylin. I bought the book in the 90's because a couple of my bootlegs were mentioned. I loved my bootlegs. They did a lot for me. I never really thought about the dough much. I liked the titles, like Suck on This, Stow Away DOA or Metalic KO. The packaging was always way more creative and edgy than most of my official stuff. So I just liked being seen and heard, like anybody else. These bootleggers were creative. Here are two quotes from the dust jacket by veteran industry stalwarts on the subject of bootlegs in 1994.

"Bootleg is the thoroughly researched and highly entertaining tale of those colorful brigands, hapless amateurs, and true believers who have done wonders for my record collection. Rock and roll doesn't get more underground than this." – that was David Fricke, the music editor of Rolling Stone "I think that bootlegs keep the flame of the music alive by keeping it out of not only the industry's conception of the artist, but also the artist's conception of the artist." – that was Lenny Kaye from the Patti Smith group, musician, critic and my friend.

Wow!! Sounds heroic and vital!

I wonder what these guys feel about all of this now, because things have changed, haven't they? We are now talking about Megaupload, Kim Dot Com, big money, political power, and varying definitions of theft that are legally way over my head. But I know a con man when I see one. I want to include a rant from an early bootlegger in this discussion because it's so passionate and I just think it's funny.

This is Lou Cohan "If anybody thinks that if I have purchased every single Rolling Stones album in existence, and I have bought all the Rolling Stones albums that have been released in England, France, Japan, Italy, and Brazil that if I have an extra $100 in my pocket instead of buying a Rolling Stones bootleg I am going to buy a John Denver album or a Sinead O'Conner album, they are retarded."

So the guy is trying to say don't try to force me. And don't steal my choice. And the people who don't want the free U2 download are trying to say, don't try to force me. And they've got a point. Part of the process when you buy something from an artist. It’s a kind of anointing, you are giving people love. It’s your choice to give or withhold. You are giving a lot of yourself, besides the money. But in this particular case, without the convention, maybe some people felt like they were robbed of that chance and they have a point. It’s not the only point. These are not bad guys. But now, everybody's a bootlegger, but not as cute, and there are people out there just stealing the stuff and saying don't try to force me to pay. And that act of thieving will become a habit and that’s bad for everything. So we are exchanging the corporate rip off for the public one. Aided by power nerds. Kind of computer Putins. They just wanna get rich and powerful. And now the biggest bands are charging insane ticket prices or giving away music before it can flop, in an effort to stay huge. And there's something in this huge thing that kind of sucks.

Which brings us to Punk. The most punk thing I ever saw in my life was Malcolm McLaren's cardboard box full of dirty old winkle pinkers. It was the first thing I saw walking in the door of Let It Rock in 1972 which was his shop at Worlds End on the Kings Road. It was a huge ugly cardboard bin full of mismatched unpolished dried out winkle pickers without laces at some crazy price like maybe five pounds each. Another 200 yards up the street was Granny Takes a Trip, where they sold proper Rockstar clothes like scarves, velvet jackets, and snake skin platform boy boots. Malcolm's obviously worthless box of shit was like a fire bomb against the status quo because it was saying that these violent shoes have the right idea and they are worth more than your fashion, which serves a false value. This is right out of the French enlightenment.

So is the thieving that big a deal? Ethically, yes, and it destroys people because it's a bad road you take. But I don't think that's the biggest problem for the music biz. I think people are just a little bit bored, and more than a little bit broke. No money. Especially simple working people who have been totally left out, screwed and abandoned. If I had to depend on what I actually get from sales I’d be tending bars between sets. I mean honestly it’s become a patronage system. There’s a lot of corps involved and I don’t fault any of them but it’s not as much fun as playing at the Music Machine in Camden Town in 1977. There is a general atmosphere of resentment, pressure, kind of strange perpetual war, dripping on all the time. And I think that prosecuting some college kid because she shared a file is a lot like sending somebody to Australia 200 years ago for poaching his lordship's rabbit. That's how it must seem to poor people who just want to watch a crappy movie for free after they’ve been working themselves to death all day at Tesco or whatever, you know.

If I wanna make music, at this point in my life I'd rather do what I want, and do it for free, which I do, or cheap, if I can afford to. I can. And fund through alternative means, like a film budget, or a fashion website, both of which I've done. Those seem to be turning out better for me than the official rock n roll company albums I struggle through. Sorry. If I wanna make money, well how about selling car insurance? At least I'm honest. It's an ad and that's all it is. Every free media platform I've ever known has been a front for advertising or propaganda or both. And it always colors the content. In other words, you hear crap on the commercial radio. The licensing of music by films, corps, and TV has become a flood, because these people know they're not a hell of a lot of fun so they throw in some music that is. I'm all for that, because that's the way the door opened for me. I got heard on tv before radio would take a chance. But then I was ok. Good. And others too. I notice there are a lot of people, younger and younger, getting their exposure that way. But it's a personal choice. I think it’s an aesthetic one, not an ethical one.

Now with the Internet people can choose to hear stuff and investigate it in their own way. If they want to see me jump around the Manchester Apollo with a horse tail instead of trying to be a proper Rockstar, they can look. Good. Personally I don't worry too much about how much I get paid for any given thing, because I never expected much in the first place and the whole industry has become bloated in its expectations. Look, Howling Wolf would work for a sandwich. This whole thing started in Honky Tonk bars. It's more important to do something important or just make people feel something and then just trust in God. If you're an entertainer your God is the public. They'll take care of you somehow. I want them to hear my music any old which way. Period. There is an unseen hand that turns the pages of existence in ways no one can predict. But while you’re waiting for God to show up and try to find a good entertainment lawyer.

It's good to remember that this is a dream job, whether you're performing or working in broadcasting, or writing or the biz. So dream. Dream. Be generous, don’t be stingy. Please. I can't help but note that it always seems to be the pursuit of the money that coincides with the great art, but not its arrival. It's just kind of a death agent. It kills everything that fails to reflect its own image, so your home turns into money, your friends turn into money, and your music turns into money. No fun, binary code – zero one, zero one - no risk, no nothing. What you gotta do you gotta do, life's a hurly-burly, so I would say try hard to diversify your skills and interests. Stay away from drugs and talent judges. Get organized. Big or little, that helps a lot.

I'd like you to do better than I did. Keep your dreams out of the stinky business, or you'll go crazy, and the money won't help you. Be careful to maintain a spiritual EXIT. Don't live by this game because it's not worth dying for. Hang onto your hopes. You know what they are. They’re private. Because that's who you really are and if you can hang around long enough you should get paid. I hope it makes you happy. It's the ending that counts, and the best things in life really are free.

[tsarinastorm]

Season 7-Adam Sackler/Reader-Chapter 1

This is mostly a Sackler/Reader centric fic, but this is the development I would have liked to see in a Girls Season 7.

Words:3.9K

Rating: Explicit/Mature

               You haven’t even arrived at this “party” yet and you already regret agreeing to show up. You begin to think of an excuse: you have a migraine, you have a writing deadline, some other dire situation that requires your immediate attention has occurred. Before you’re able to settle on one excuse, you receive a text from Hannah telling you that the party is in the back room of the bar, and saying that she’s so excited that you’re going to meet her friends.

               You had met Hannah in a writing group, the two of you bonded over the shared habit of bringing snacks to the meetings, to the annoyance of the other group members. She was one of your first and only friends in the city. You have some friends from undergrad and grad school who live in the city, but they were often busy with their own careers and love lives. You couldn’t help but find meeting people in this city of 8 million to be overwhelming. Mostly, you didn’t know how you make real friendships with people who you’d only see occasionally, or where to find people who shared your interests and hobbies.

               You moved to the city six months ago and settled into a classic style apartment in Soho. The apartment was a little bigger than you needed but was a steal because it was being sold by a couple who was in the middle of a divorce and wanted to screw the other over. You’ve authored several books ranging from modern fiction, horror, and a crime/thriller series, which had recently been picked up by a streaming service for a television show. You made enough to make it in New York, but you did some ghostwriting on the side to supplement since you invested your earnings in the apartment. You didn’t feel like you belonged in New York yet, perhaps you’ll be always be the same small town girl no matter how long you’re in the city.

You talked yourself into going to the party because you needed more friends and needed to enjoy the city. Plus, it was to celebrate Hannah’s new article being published. As a fellow writer you understood the struggles to get published and the triumph when you finally do get published. So you put on a little black dress that was neither too dressy nor too casual, told her you’d be there in a few minutes, and headed on the train to Brooklyn. You then grab a cab and head towards Hannah’s party.

               Your cab pulls up around the front, and you make your way into the bar. You’ve figured out that if you feel uncomfortable, you can get a few free drinks and then head out, no big deal. There are signs that point towards the Horvath Party, you casually walk, following the signs until you see Hannah in one of the rooms. Hannah waves and motions for you come towards her.

“Hey, Y/N! I’m so happy you could make it! I’m sure you’ll have a great time and I know you’ll get along with my friends.”

“Thanks for inviting me, Hannah. Congrats again on getting your piece published. It’s always worth the work in the end. Where’s Grover?” You ask as you see several people coming up to you and Hannah. Hannah answers as she hugs an excited brunette who just walked in, “Grover is with the sitter tonight. His Mommy needed a break. But I am texting every half-hour to make sure he’s alright.”

“You deserve a night off, I’m sure he’ll be just fine.” You say as the brunette turns to you. Hannah gestures between the two of you and the other girl as she begins the introductions.

“Y/N, this is my friend Shoshanna, or Shosh for short. Shosh, this is Y/N, the friend I told you about from my writing group.”

               Shosh hugs you and says, “Oh my gosh, it’s so nice to finally meet you. Hannah has told us so much about you and I’ve read you’re books. They’re good, like, really good. I don’t even typically like horror, but I liked yours.”

“Thank you so much! I’ve heard a lot about you too! I love your outfit.”

“The code word is apple for free drinks. But keep it quiet so people don’t take our free drinks. We didn’t pay for everyone.” Hannah adds as she goes to greet another person.

               You and Shosh have spent the last forty-minutes talking about fashion, and travel. Now she was happily giving you the “appropriate” details of her honeymoon. Shosh was super nice and easy to talk to, no wonder she had been friends with Hannah for so long.  When you came back from the bar with your vodka soda, Hannah was talking to another brunette, one less excited than Shosh.

“Marnie, this is Y/N from my writing group. Y/N this is my best friend Marnie.”

“You’re the successful singer/song-writer, right?”

“Yes, only somewhat successful, but yes. By the way, I love your dress, Y/N!”

“I think its super cool that you can sing and put words to music. I have no musical talent whatsoever.”

“Really? You’re such a good writer. How long have you been in the city?”

“Only six months so I’m still figuring it all out.”

“We can totally show you where the best places are, and what to do.” Shosh adds excitedly.

“We should all hang out together sometime. We’re all young, attractive, successful women who should support each other.” Marnie says as she begins telling you the best places to shop, to eat, and to hang out.

“I appreciate it, thank you. I definitely we should hang out. Do you guys ever do brunch?”

“Yeah, I know this place that has the best mimosas.” Marnie says, then Shosh quickly adds, “We should totally go tomorrow morning, you know to help us recover from tonight.”

“Tomorrow would work for me.”

“I’m making the reservation now.” Marnie says while she types into her phone.

“That sounds great, I’m looking forward to it.  Who can turn down a good mimosa,” You say as you notice a very attractive man walk into the room, while the trio of friends continue to chatter amongst themselves. He’s tall with dark, wavy hair and broad shoulders. You immediately lock eyes with him, and smile, he smiles back. You then realize that you’ve totally zoned out of the conversation and finished your drink in record time. So much for playing it cool.

“I need another drink, I’ll be back.”

               ***********************************************************************

               Adam makes his way into the room. He doesn’t know why he’s even there. He and Hannah have been over for some time, and yeah, they were “friends” but why was here when he can’t stand her other friends. He had changed so much since the last time he was subjected to Hannah’s friends, would it be different this time? At least this time, he was free of Jessa that should keep the rest of them from being too hostile. And now, he had a successful run in a production of Machination at St. Anne’s, which lead to the casting director giving him the lead in an adaptation of The Beautiful and The Damned. He had a number of auditions coming up, even a few for Broadway again. He also has a theater friend who wants to turn his short film into a stage play. For the first time in a long time, his life was coming together not falling apart. Except for his love life, as always. He had ended the romantic relationship with Jessa not long after returning to her after being rejected by Hannah. He realized he was looking for something more, something he hadn’t had with Jessa, and something he hadn’t had with Hannah either. But Jessa still comes around, she seems determined not to let him go. So he lets Jessa stay sometimes, because she is a good fuck and he doesn’t have time to find another fuck buddy.

               Then he sees her. She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, and she looks amazing in that little black dress. Though he’s sure she’d look even better out of that little black dress. Down boy, he thinks to himself, he has to save that for later. But now, be cool. Her eyes lock with his, and she smiles at him. He can’t help but smile back.

“Hey Adam! Good to see you here,” Adam turns and sees the voice behind the comment that takes him out of his trance. It’s Ray and he’s definitely looking at her too. Adam doesn’t like the idea of Ray talking to his woman, or looking at his woman, even if she’s not his woman yet. She will be, he’ll see to that.

“Hey Ray, nice to see you too,” Adam manages to sound normal, not too eager or irritated. He looks for her again, but she’s gone. Oh no, she couldn’t have left yet. Not before he had got her number. He’s so desperate in his search for her, that he doesn’t even notice that Ray’s walked away and Hannah has come up beside him.

“I’m so glad you could make it,” Hannah says as she pulls him into an awkward hug. He hugs her back but his eyes still look through the room for his woman. Then he spots her, over at the bar. Now, he just has to get over to her.

“So this is none of my business, but are you and Jessa still a thing?” Of course, Hannah goes straight to the question he doesn’t want to answer, and takes the conversation straight to the person he’d prefer not to think about. He finally answers in the best way he knows how.

“There is no relationship but we still sometimes see each other.”

“You still see each other. I’m not stupid, I know what that means, and it means you still fuck.” Hannah puts her hands on her hips, clearly judging him before continuing, “Does that make you happy? Because believe it or not, you deserve to be happy too.”

               He keeps his eyes on her, his her. Hannah’s talking again before her previous statement has a chance to really sink in.

“By the way, that woman you’re ogling is Y/N, my friend from my writing group. She’s a writer like me. But a very successful one. You should go talk to her. I can’t guarantee that you’re her type, or that she won’t throw her drink on you, but go for it.”

“Really? You sure? She is your friend.” Adam says even though his mind is already made up. He is going to talk to her whether Hannah accepts it or not. But it would be better if Hannah does accept it. He doesn’t want another cold war like the one that happened when he and Jessa hooked up.

“I’m sure. I think she’d be good for you, and that you two might work.” Hannah says and gives him a genuine smile. She then pushes him in the direction of the bar.

                  You order a Malibu Bay Breeze, made up of Malibu rum, cranberry juice, and pineapple juice. Normally that’s the drink you prefer but the vodka soda is slightly better to stave off dehydration and hangover. But now, you feel nervous because you see him make his way towards you and you need the comfort of your favorite drink. He sits down beside you and you turn to look at him.

“Hello, stranger. You know when I’m in a place like this, I can’t help but I feel like I’m in a bad, modern adaptation of a Fitzgerald novel. I’m Y/N”

“Hello beautiful stranger, I’m Adam. I agree, I feel like that at least once a day since I’ve been in New York. But I do find it to be missing Fitzgerald’s wit and introspection. I was worried you managed to sneak out before I got to talk to you.”

“I’m glad you understood the reference, you’d be amazed at the number of people who don’t. Most of them look at me like I have three heads. I’m not going anywhere for a while, I just made my way over to the bar. Do you want a drink? If you’re nice, maybe it’ll even be on me.”

“A seltzer water. I have a degree in comp lit and I’m actor who does mostly stage so I have to understand literary comments. I actually just finished a part in an adaptation of The Beautiful and the Damned”

“Ha, well you know what they say about actors. I’m a writer. Okay, now I have a question: if you could work with any playwright, living or dead, who would it be?” You ask him with a smile on your face. You’re can’t hide your genuine curiosity. He seems like an intellectual guy, well-read, artistic, and clearly a bit offbeat. Those things make you to know his answer.

“Chekhov, he was a truly master of theater. Or Arthur Miller.” He says, confidently taking a swig of his seltzer water, “does that answer suit you?”

“It does. I prefer the Russian greats.  So how do you know Hannah?”

“I’ve known Hannah for years. What about you?” he says the last part in a singsong voice. You can’t help but laugh at his goofy behavior.

“Hannah and I are in the same writing group. She’s one of the first friends I’ve made in the city.”

               You spend the next hour or so (maybe it was longer, you lost track of time) talking about your favorite writers, movies, and awkward moments. Turns out, you have pretty much the same taste in books and film, and you find your eyes tearing up from laughter at some of his stories. His stories are accompanied by full body movements and voice changes, of course. Adam talks about his family, you learn he has a niece that he calls Sample because she’s sample-sized and she was named after his exes. He teases you for being an only child. You can’t remember the last time you enjoyed someone’s company this much. He was interesting, intense, and slightly strange. Nothing at all like your type, and maybe that’s why you liked him. Or maybe it was because you felt he’d give the deep connection and passion you’d always craved. You notice he’s still only drinking seltzer, and you’re on your fourth drink.

“Are you sure you don’t want a real drink? Or are you being a DD?”

“I actually don’t drink. I’ve had a drinking problem in the past so I completely avoid it, and I still go to AA.”

“I’m glad you saw you had a problem and got help. That’s a hard thing to do.” You tell him as you reach out and gently put your hand on his forearm. He looks deep into your eyes, and leans into your touch.

“How long have you been sober?”

“10 years. I started going to AA when I was seventeen.” He says and his rich amber eyes look sad. He looks like he expects you to reject him.

“Well, I’m sorry that it started so early. If you ever need somebody to talk to, here, I’ll give you my number” you say and hold out your hand for his phone. He places it in your hand and he chuckles.

“I am the worst person with technology and shit. I’m not the same over the phone. It took me so fucking long to even get an iphone.”

“That’s okay. You’re probably better off without it anyway.” You smile and he smiles back. He puts his hand on your knee. You notice that 1.) his hand is freaking huge, so that means his dick must be big too, and 2.) You really like him touching you, his hand is hot on your cool skin. You feel a physical spark in your lower stomach that you haven’t felt in a long time: pure sexual attraction. You think you could easily take him home tonight, actually that looks like that’s where this is headed. He leans in towards your face, you can’t tell if he’s going to whisper something in your ear, or if he’s going to kiss you. You feel yourself leaning in, drawn like a moth to the light.

               The moment is ruined when a blonde woman throws her arms around his neck, kisses him on the cheek, and positions herself so she’s practically sitting in his lap. She turns to look at you, and you know you must look shocked because it takes you a minute to acknowledge that she’s even speaking. And you notice that she has a British accent.

“Adam, who’s your friend?” She says in a voice that must be her attempt to be sultry. Adam looks uncomfortable and shifts so she’s no longer in his lap, and he’s not even touching her.

“This is Y/N. She’s an author, a good author who’s wrote bestsellers.”

“I’m Jessa, are you friends with Hannah?” the British blonde asks you and you find her gaze very uncomfortable. You take a sip of your drink before answering.

“Yes, I know her from my writing group.”

“Well then, you should know all about me and Adam. He’s the ex, and I’m the friend who stole him. We’re also the ones who made the movie. I’m sure she’s wrote a lot about us.” Jessa says all of that with a smug smile, clearly proud of the mess she’s just created.

“Oh you’re the Adam? The Adam who moved in another girlfriend while she was in Iowa, who dated her friend, didn’t tell her, and then made a movie basically mocking your relationship?!” You practically yell. What the hell is wrong with these people? Why are they all still around each other?

“That’s him. And that’s us.” Jessa says as she nods. You see red. What they did to Hannah was wrong, and here they are acting like it’s nothing. Jessa’s proud of it. And Adam lied to you about who he was knowing you were a friend of Hannah’s. You had a friend who hooked up with your ex, and it stung. Badly. And that was only a one-time hook up, you could only imagine if it had been a full-fledged relationship.

“Where I come from, you tell people the truth, so I’m going to tell you both the truth. You’re both shitty people for doing that to Hannah and acting like it’s nothing.” You say before grabbing your bag and standing up.

“And I hope I never see either of you again. You must deserve each other.”

               Whatever you had felt towards Adam a few minutes ago had utterly dissipated now. You could never be with someone who did all of that to his ex. If he did it to Hannah, he’d likely do it to you, you remind yourself. Additionally, Hannah was your friend, maybe not a best friend, but still a friend and you refused to do that to her. You storm off from the bar, hopefully to find someone who also thinks this situation makes zero sense. You see Shosh and Marnie standing near the stage and you join them. Marnie speaks first,

“I see you had a great conversation with our local gruesome twosome.”

“That may be one of the most fucked up experiences of my life. Or am I crazy?” You say trying to figure out if you’re over-reacting or not.

“No, that is a totally weird situation.” Shosh says and it makes you feel better.

Then you see a man at the bar who looks familiar, it takes a second for you to recognize him. You can feel the blood run from your face. You realize he’s a guy you hooked up with when you first moved to New York. What was his name? You were so intoxicated that night, you can’t even remember his name, only that it started with a B, and you would have preferred him to remain one of your secrets. Especially when you think of everything that happened a few weeks after the hookup. You watch him even though you don’t want to, and you notice that he is wearing a wedding band. That’s just great. He’s married. You hooked up with a married man, or at the very least he would have had to be engaged then.  You feel your face getting hot, and you go outside to get some air. You bump into Hannah.

“Y/N? Are you alright? You looked really freaked out?”

“Yeah, it’s just I ran into one of my drunk one-night-stands. And he’s married. It just really bothers me.”

“Well, it’s okay. You’ll probably never see him again. It’s not your fault, you didn’t know he was married.” Hannah says while rubbing your arms in an effort to calm you. You give her a hug and you head home.

You see Adam and Jessa in the street fighting about something and you turn your head so you can get away without either of them noticing you.

********************************************************************************

You go to brunch with Hannah, Shosh, and Marnie the next day. You’d been so busy adjusting to the city, you had forgot how much you missed your girlfriends back home. The brunch was just what you needed and you learned some gossip. Hannah says that she has a date coming up. Marnie makes it clear after her track record, she’s happy being single for a while. Shosh, of course, gushes over her husband. You even meet Ray, who owns a local coffee place. However, then you’re filled in on his background with Shosh and Marnie. You were finally feeling like you had now friends in the city, and you were pleased with that. But you couldn’t stop thinking Adam, even though you knew you shouldn’t

You’re back in your apartment, looking for something to do. You then decide to look up Adam Sackler. You scroll through the glowing reviews of his latest plays. Then you come across the movie, Disclosure. You debate whether or not to watch it. You give into your curiosity after a few minutes of debate, and hit play. You watch Adam, the real Adam not an actor playing Adam, spank the actress. Again and again. You should not find it as hot as you do. You can feel yourself getting turned on. You should turn off the movie, and go for a run to clear your mind or a cold shower.

But you give in to your body as your hand sneaks into your pants. Your fingers part your folds before settling on your clit. You begin rubbing in circles. That’s not enough, you need it faster, harder. You start adding more pressure and quicken your pace. You start to imagine that your hands are Adam’s hands. It’s not long before you feel your climax building. You moan as you come hard.

When you come back to reality, you realize that you should feel guilty for touching yourself to a movie starring your friend’s ex-boyfriend about their relationship. However, you manage console yourself by reminding yourself that you can touch yourself as long as you don’t cross the physical line with Adam himself, though you know you’ll dream about him touching you tonight.

[midnightactual]

@mysteriousshopkeeper submitted:

“Yoruichi-san! I’m glad I caught you. I… thought you might be on a beach somewhere by now, since you just hosted a significant holiday party. In any case…” His fingers were idly tapping on something clasped between them as a subtle change came over his demeanor, like curtains being drawn open. “There are some… things I’ve been meaning to say. And considering my track record… I thought it best to let someone else say them.” His hands moved forward, and before she could object, he’d captured one of hers and pressed his gift into it.

Once she’d unwrapped it, she’d find herself holding a vintage, authentic Sony Walkman WM-D6C, in perfect working order, pre-loaded with a cassette – not just any commercial label, no, no – but a genuine, bona fide, old-fashioned mixtape. He’d invested considerable time and effort in selecting songs that suited his sentiments, first building a playlist on Spotify. He hadn’t even known all of them before he started searching, but he certainly did know them when he heard them. A tentative smile encroached on his lips. “At first it didn’t have tangible form, but as you can imagine, it proved difficult to wrap, so… I made this.”

The exercise had presented him with a delicate balance to maintain. His relationship with Yoruichi was… complicated. Lately, he’d come to the reluctant realization that what he’d been giving her was not what she needed from him, at least not here, not now.  But disillusionment had proven a sticky, time-consuming process. Would-have-beens and could-yet-bes clung like lint to an old sweater; every time he looked, he found more, and some were nearly indistinguishable from the knit. He’d begun the process at the outset of what had become an unexpectedly eventful couple of weeks, but it had been time well-spent; the effort had had a clarifying — and surprisingly calming — effect. Each day was a process of refining and crafting, loosely following a rubric laid out in a movie he’d seen once. As a finishing touch, he’d even added liner notes, just to arrange specific lyrics into a unified narrative. The result was a musical, emotional journey that moved through a spectrum of humor, introspection and encouragement.

Because there was still, at the base of it all, that deep and abiding foundation of their friendship. The pedestals and shrines he’d erected in her honor weren’t serving either of them; it was time for a little iconoclasm, a little restructuring.  Perhaps they could begin afresh and he would, again, be dependably her friend. He was aware that this playlist may not reflect her musical tastes, but it wasn’t so much about winning her heart as revealing his —she’d long deserved that much from him. Besides — at this point, what had he to lose? He’d quit castles in the sky for solid ground.

“Happy birthday, Yoruichi.” His face met hers with a soft, bright smile. “If you go, you’ll have something to take with you. And if my company would be welcome…” And here, the smile grew a bit dubious. “—I’d offer to go with you. I’d even make the arrangements; I could use a change of scene myself. You’d get good massages given on good behavior, with no lip service—” He smirked grimly, realizing how difficult it was for him to suggest without selling. “That is to say, I’d enjoy giving them. Quietly. But should you choose to stay, and celebrate your birthday here with us this year, I wouldn’t min—" Again, he caught himself; his face clouded for an instant, then cleared, transparent and a bit wistful, as he half-turned to make his graceful exit. “Rather, I would very much like that.”

Liner Notes

Listen on Spotify!

We Go Together / David Tennant & Catherine Tate - Lyrics We go together like the news and the weather / We fit like hand in glove! It’s All Been Done / Barenaked Ladies - Lyrics And if I put my fingers here, and if I say / “I love you, dear” / And if I play the same three chords, / Will you just yawn and say ‘I’m bored’ / It’s all been done Partners in Crime / Arkarna - Lyrics  As I feel, we are, we must go on, I will stand, with you, forever / Ever more / But without you it’s a bore, It’s no fun breaking the law / Anymore, anymore, my partner in crime True Colors / Justin Timberlake & Anna Kendrick - Lyrics Show me a smile then / Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember / When I last saw you laughing / If this world makes you crazy / And you’ve taken all you can bear / You call me up / Because you know I’ll be there Paradise Valley / Honey and the Sting - Lyrics  Take what you want from me / I bring it willingly / The paradise valley  Got Your Back / Mike Taylor - Lyrics If you need a friend to party - I got your back / If you wanna get naughty - I got your back / Just tell me where to hide the body - I got your back

Somewhere Only We Know / Keane - Lyrics And if you have a minute why don’t we go / Talk about it somewhere only we know? / This could be the end of everything / So why don’t we go / Somewhere only we know?  We Belong / Pat Benatar - Lyrics We belong to the light / We belong to the thunder / We belong to the sound of the words / We’ve both fallen under / Whatever we deny or embrace / For worse or for better / We belong, we belong / We belong together

I Won’t Give Up / Jason Mraz - Lyrics And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend / For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn / We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in / I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not / And who I am  Clear the Area / Imogen Heap - Lyrics You find your way back down. / And I’ll keep the area clear…please clear the area. /  When you find your way back down…in one piece / Then I’ll just be waiting here…right here. / Slowly…darling…nobody means any more to me than you. Fortress Around Your Heart / Sting - Lyrics And if I’ve built this fortress around your heart / Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire / Then let me build a bridge / For I cannot fill the chasm / And let me set the battlements on fire

Undercover / Pete Yorn - Lyrics And we held and we tried / There was hardly lust between us / I will love you / I won’t let go / ‘Cause we are one inside these walls / Undercover

Black Heart Inertia / Incubus - Lyrics You’re a mountain that I’d like to climb / Not to conquer, but to share in the view / You’re a bonfire and I’m gathered ‘round you / Set this old black heart inertia aflame Invincible / Muse - Lyrics ‘Cause there’s no one like you in the universe / Don’t be afraid / What your mind conceives / You should make a stand / Stand up for what you believe / And tonight / We can truly say / Together we’re invincible

Yoruichi was actually a bit surprised when her hand was taken and the classic piece of audio kit was pressed into it, not having expected such a forward approach. For want of any other recourse—it was her birthday, and it was a gift, apparently given very sincerely considering his affect… what else could she do but take it?—she willingly grasped the Walkman and heard him out.

She was in for another surprise at how little he had to say, comparatively. Sure, some of the usual banter and salesmanship eventually filtered in, but the facade was cracked and the underlying sincerity streamed through the act like sunlight through mist, burning it off right before her very eyes. It was striking, and she stared at the spectacle of it, growing increasingly uncertain.

And then, just like that he… left? She was sufficiently taken aback by what he’d said—and how he’d said it—that she hadn’t yet had time to formulate a reply when he was turning and departing. Her mouth opened, but no sounds came out of it, and by the time she thought of something to say—even just, ‘Wait’—he was gone.

She stared after him for long seconds before shutting her mouth and looking at the Walkman that’d been handed to her. She considered it for several moments more before going to a closet drawer. She already owned a pair of vintage Walkman headphones with orange foam earpieces; they seemed the most appropriate thing to use to listen, and listening seemed to be the only thing to do.

Considering both components, she put the headset on, plugged it in, and clicked play. There was a delightfully mechanistic moment as the button sank in, giving that chunky, electromechanical experience you simply couldn’t get with fully digital electronics. It made her nostalgic as the first song began, and she listened, at first just standing where she was. The first song was a bit cornball, and she wondered if the whole mixtape would be that way, eventually sitting on the edge of her bed. But by the third song she was up and pacing about as she listened, a pit growing in her stomach.

By the seventh, she had retreated from her bedroom entirely, going to her bathroom almost on autopilot. Some part of her knew it was even farther away from scrutiny—harder to reach, harder to be heard from, even if her rooms and the building itself were very well soundproofed. Some other part of her felt almost ill. And then there were her eyes.

Crying had never been acceptable. That had been made abundantly clear to her from the very beginning. She didn’t cry. She hadn’t since she’d been a toddler. She’d watched her kōhai have a breakdown without crying. She’d torn off her own arm without crying. She’d cradled her little brother after he’d been shot through the heart three times without crying. As she leaned on the wall beside the tub, she almost didn’t recognize the pressure around her eyes. Her motions were automatic, and she clambered into the dry basin while she fought to keep herself under control. Things started getting blurry as a titanic clash raged within her.

Yet the music kept going, and she refused to stop it. Trembling with held in sounds, she finally punched the stone tiles before her. The strike wasn’t very hard by her standards, although it pushed her gigai—but it wasn’t enough to even chip the rock. Her arm stayed extended and she ground her knuckles into the rough surface, before retracting and striking again. And again. And again and again and again, until the stone was smeared with her blood and her hand throbbed and ached in protest.

The pain wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to compete with what was already filling her, and she gasped as it became overwhelming, hot tears spilling down her cheeks as she lost and it became entirely impossible to see. Her sobs were silent at first, wracking her whole body, before she smacked the bottoms of both fists against the wall, leaning forward to put her forehead on it as she finally let out a noise, something between a growl and a low wail.

She beat against that wall ineffectually, clenching her jaw as she still tried to keep it all in, trying to refuse this, but it was no use. ‘Volatile’ was wholly inadequate to describe the mixture of emotions flowing through her—it was a hypergolic cocktail that was already ablaze and demanded venting. And so, finally, she tipped her head back and screamed. Agony. Frustration. Despair. Self-loathing. Rage. Sorrow. Regret. It had all built and built, not just lately but for far, far longer, and she had no choice but to let out all the fruits of her failures at once now, like some kind of ravening nuclear death beam rendered in sound.

What her reiatsu did in response, she had no idea and no care to know. Presumably the gigai kicked in to contain it, but she was caught up in the maelstrom, a billion light years away from such concerns. She cried out and pounded at the wall until there was nothing left, until she was hoarse, until she was empty, until she was panting from the intensity of the chemicals unleashed, until her tears carried away enough of their torrent that she could breathe.

Spent and dazed, she slumped back, then outright toppled back against an edge of the tub, sinking down and shivering. Still, the music played, and it drew her back to the moment. She could think of doing nothing but flopping onto one side and curling up in a fetal position, desperately hugging herself and simply trying to be small, wishing to just disappear entirely. She stayed that way for a long time.

[ckret2]

So I've been deeply pulled into the Radiosnake pairing bc of your fantastic writing! Problem is, now I have fic ideas but no knowledge of the Hazbin background. Can you tellI me where I can get more Hazbin info? I've only watched the pilot and read your stuff. I heard there were comics??

That is an excellent question anon, because right now it is really hard to get Hazbin background easily.

Okay, so, the canon info on Hazbin Hotel can be sort of sorted into four tiers, from most to least canon.

Tier 1: The Definitely Canon

There is, of course, the pilot. And then there is an Angel Dust prequel comic, only seven pages of which have been released so far. We’ve been told it’s gonna be finished and we’ve had glimpses of in-progress prequel comics for a couple other characters—most prominently Alastor’s and Charlie’s—but so far that unfinished Angel Dust comic is the only one that’s been officially released.

Finding the in-progress comic pages is... a challenge. Nobody, as far as I can tell, has been specifically collecting all of the pages we’ve seen so far. I was able to scrounge up:

Couple more Angel pages

some Alastor pages

another Alastor page

a random Alastor panel

another random Alastor panel—I’ve seen the full page of this before, Alastor goes “Hello ladies!” and they go “HELLO ALASTOR~<3″ but I can’t find the full page now

There’s a smattering more canon panels on the artist faustisse’s twitter, but I haven’t dug them all out, and some of the posts I’m gonna link in a lil bit have a glimpse of another panel.

If you haven’t already heard of Helluva Boss, I recommend looking into it as well. It’s a second series being created by the same folks, different cast of characters but set in the same version of Hell, so any canon details we learn in Helluva also apply to Hazbin.

Helluva’s pilot is here. Plus a cute music video here.

Earlier this month, during a BLM charity stream hosted by show artist Ashley Nichols—she runs regular streams under the title “HuniCast”—they released a few sneak peaks of future Helluva scenes, all compiled here.

And that’s it for canon. Two pilots, a music video, a smattering of future scenes, part of one comic, a few WIP pages/panels from other comics.

Tier 2: Pseudo-Canon

Everything else we currently know about Hazbin (and Helluva) are things that the creators have told us. Consequently, they’re all pseudo-canon—and likely subject to change in the future as the shows and comics are further developed and released. Some details that were released/described in the past have been contradicted at other times, or else radically changed by the time the pilot came out.

(For example, when Alastor was first created years and years ago as an OC with no plans for Hazbin, he was a demon deer who could shapeshift into a human shape—now he’s a demonized human with a few deer traits. And Charlie and Cherri Bomb used to look very different.)

So until and unless they make it into canon, all these pseudo-canon details are subject to change and should be taken with a grain of salt—but, they also comprise most of what we know about the characters’ backstory and the as-yet-unaired characters.

Pseudo-canon info on Hazbin is scattered mainly between two sources: the creators’ twitter accounts, and livestreams where they take questions and talk about the making of the show. If you and livestreams do not get along (my ADHD and livestreams do not get along), or if you don’t want to wade years and years back into twitter accounts to dig up every scrap of info on the characters the creators have ever mentioned, collating all the pseudo-canon info is gonna be hard. (It’s gonna be hard even if you do want to sit through the streams and dig through all their tweets.) Lots of fans, me included, depend on the absolutely heroic work of various fans who are willing and able to watch hours-long streams and collate a list of canon factoids released during the streams. I’ve reblogged as many of these posts as I’ve been able to find:

Alastor’s sound design (on twitter)

Alastor's Sound Design (post I made with screenshots of weird—but very interesting—subtitles slipped into the aforementioned video)

Sir Pentious and Cherri Bomb’s sound design

Niffty and Husk’s sound design

Charlie, Katie, and Tom’s sound design

Intro song’s sound design

Happy Hotel’s sound design

details from Faustisse (including a pic of a couple costume designs. Most of these posts come from zatyrlucy, who’s been doing a fantastic job of going stream-by-stream to get lists of details from the regular streams by Ashley Nichols and by comic artist Faustisse.)

more details from Faustisse (including a pic of the Von Eldritch family dining room)

Faustisse 3 (better look at that table)

Dollymoon’s Hazbin Hotel Facts - PART ONE (Shoutout again to dollymoon for compiling these, we’ve never spoken but I am eternally grateful for this service. Dollymoon’s posts are THE single most reliable compilation of Hazbin Hotel’s nebulous pseudo-canon facts that I have found to date, including both links to the sources and timestamps where applicable. Dollymoon’s URL has changed since making this post so the “read more” link doesn’t work but the “source” or “reblogged from” links direct correctly to the new blog. Incidentally, the risk of other blog creators deleting their blogs/posts or changing their URLs is why in info posts like these, I always link to my own reblogs rather than their original posts—their original posts might vanish without warning, but I know I ain’t gonna delete my posts, so these links will still work in the future.)

Hazbin Hotel Facts - PART TWO

Hazbin Hotel Facts - PART THREE

Faustisse 4

HuniCast - Australian Wildlife Relief charity stream

I think this was a faustisse stream (the original source deleted these posts, so the comic pages that were originally behind that read more cut are now gone.)

Faustisse stream 6?

And those are all the masterposts of factoids I’ve managed to collect. If anyone has more masterposts, chuck ‘em at me.

Even this isn’t all the knowledge that’s been released about the show. The posts that dig the farthest back are Dollymoon’s, and even they don’t comprehensively cover all of Hazbin’s production. A couple of these characters, Vivziepop created as a teenager, so there’s some truly ancient concept art floating around out there that will have details that probably aren’t canon anymore... but might still be until something happens to actively contradict them.

Tier 3: The Wiki

The wiki is kind of an absolute mess. It’s a chaotic blend of things actually seen in the pilots/comic, things mentioned at some point in some stream somewhere, and wild fan speculation based on what they headcanon as plausible based on the above, all mixed together with very little indication for which is canon, pseudo-canon, fanon, or speculation. Most of the statements on the wiki don’t have citations.

(And, on top of that, half the main characters’ info gets split up into separate tabs instead of just having a normal-ass wiki page, AND their image galleries are on COMPLETELY SEPARATE pages that are linked to in one of the tabs, and the most important characters all have TWO SEPARATE GALLERIES. Which doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of the facts hidden underneath those tabs, but nevertheless drives me up the wall.)

Some things on the wiki were added according to info released so long ago it’s probably changed by now. Some are possibilities that got reported as facts. Other things on the wiki have unambiguously changed, or else are just flat-out incorrect. (For instance, at this moment Alastor’s page still lists him as an overlord, even though it's been confirmed that Alastor is not an overlord despite his power level because he isn’t interested in and didn’t pursue that position, per this stream. For a little bit, somebody’s fanart of their headcanon human Alastor got added to the wiki as concept art.)

tl;dr: the wiki should never be trusted as a primary source. The wiki’s better than it used to be. Even so, at this time, it’s only trustworthy to fill in the gaps of what you already know is true from other, better sources.

The thing it’s good at is it more or less compiles all the known info all in one place. Trying to figure out who the hell this Vox guy is is really hard if you’re reading for mentions of him in compilations of a dozen different streams, much less if you’re trying to comb through those dozen streams yourself, plus a dozen more, plus three different artists’ twitters. In comparison, it’s really easy to, say, just go look at Vox’s wiki page, where all the trivia is compiled. (And Vox’s page is actually one of the better cited on the wiki. Look at all those numbers!)

So, if you need to find out who this character is you’ve never heard of before, if you want to see a full list of the thus far named characters, if you don’t remember whether Alastor likes coffee or tea, if you want to know what Angel’s twin sister looks like, if you need a reminder of Sir Pentious’s death year... check the wiki. It’s an okay starting point.

But, if you see a “fact” on the wiki that you yourself don’t remember from straight out of the pilot, and it doesn’t have a citation that links to a tweet or a stream... regard it suspiciously. And do not trust it unquestioningly as fact until and unless you have seen the source.

Tier 4: Noncanon Creator Shitposting

I’ve mentioned Ashley’s HuniCast streams a couple times. The biggest draw of them is that she usually gets several of the voice actors in the streams, where they’ll happily say nonsense in their character voices. For the most part, they’re not sharing any actual canon info they’ve been given on their characters, just goofing around pretending to be their characters. Nevertheless, a lot of the things that happen in streams get accepted as broad fandom headcanons, like Alastor being into dad jokes. (My favorite, for obvious reasons, is this one.)

It’s easy to find the source audio for all this wonderful nonsense by searching youtube for “HuniCast highlights,” and then rummaging around for animatics people make out of the audio. The only one noncanon video of this sort I can think of that didn’t originally come from HuniCast is a lone one from Alastor’s singing voice (who’s a different voice actor than his speaking voice).

So, obviously, none of these are canon. But they do come from some of the people actually involved in the creation of the show, and they are in the characters’ canon voices, so a whole lot of people treat them as semi-canon anyway. (Even the wiki lists “dad jokes” among Alastor’s likes, which to my knowledge hasn’t come up anywhere except for HuniCast streams.) Since they’re so broadly-known, they’re worth knowing about as important sources of fanon, even if you don’t want to adopt them into your own headcanons. They’re basically the same level of canon as blooper reels.

[7-wonders]

Heaven & Hell Were Words to Me

Summary: A surprise takes a turn that should be sickening, but instead only serves to draw you even further into the web that Michael has woven.

Word Count: 2305

A/N: Hey, it’s been a while since I wrote Michael smut that wasn’t for one of my series’! Enjoy; feedback, likes, and reblogs are all appreciated! 

Warnings: Heart eating, ritualistic sacrifices, Satanism, blood, sex, KINKY sex, I don’t know, it’s smut about the Antichrist. Figure it out.

“I want to show you something.” 

With that simple sentence whispered silkily into your ear on your way back to your room following Ms. Venable’s mandatory cocktail hour, you had taken Michael’s hand without any sort of hesitation and let him lead you down the dizzying maze of hallways. You would let Michael lead you to the ends of the world, and you barely even knew the man. Just getting to know his first name had seemed like such a privilege. (something he had told you last week, when you were moaning out the name he had given every resident of Outpost 3.

“Michael,” he had said, so quietly that at first you thought you had imagined it.

“What?” you asked, as his hair formed a curtain around your face that made it impossible to stare at anything but him.

“My name is Michael.”

“Michael,” you repeated, testing the word out. “It fits you. After all, you’re beautiful enough to be an archangel.”

Michael laughed huskily, your chest filled with warmth at the sound, although you hadn’t been sure of why he was laughing.)

He comes to a stop in front of a door that you realize is in a restricted area that residents had been given strict instructions to never go near. Not even the Grays were allowed to go in unsupervised; if their services were needed for cleaning, Ms. Mead would stand there guarding them, and they weren’t allowed to tell anybody about what was inside.

The door opens by itself, but you don’t have time to ask Michael how it did that. He looks back at you reassuringly, as if he can feel your apprehension towards the situation. The room is dark, dim light coming from a single sconce on the wall. You grip Michael’s hand tightly, hoping not to trip over what looks like a large circle of unlit candles. 

Your unease is heightened when you see a Gray, Samantha, sitting against the wall with her knees pulled to her chest. Jealousy wells deep in your stomach, although you’re not sure why. While you had assumed that you weren’t the only one Michael had seduced, it’s still a little disheartening to see another one of Michael’s bedmates in a room that had seemed like it was a secret shared between you and Michael.

“You are,” Michael says from out of the blue, making you furrow your eyebrows in confusion.

“I am what?”

“You are the only one.”

Your breath catches in your throat. “How did you--”

“My father,” Michael continues, “decided that it was time that I show you this.”

Mind racing, you try to figure out which man in the Outpost is old enough to possibly be Michael’s dad. Michael looks to be in his late twenties, so unless Gallant is actually 50 (not likely) and Evie is a dinosaur (likely), you’re out of options.

“Samantha,” Michael calls, holding out his hand. 

The Gray slowly gets up, stumbling her way towards Michael and grabbing onto him with a shaky hand. Snapping his fingers, the candles all light themselves simultaneously, and you realize as you look around that Michael’s led you to the center of the circle.

“Father,” Michael’s voice echoes through the room as his eyes search through the air for some sort of answer, “may you accept this sacrifice as a token of my devotion to you, and give me strength in exchange!”

“Michael, what’s going--” your question is cut off by a choked scream as Michael plunges his hand into Samantha’s chest.

Staggering back a step, you clap your hands over your mouth in horror. Samantha attempts to make a sound, but it only comes out as a mere gurgle as blood bubbles past her lips. Michael yanks his hand out from between her ribs, holding the Gray’s still-beating heart in his grasp. Tissue connects the arteries to the rest of her body, so Michael pulls harshly in order to free the organ. Samantha falls backwards less than a second after her heart is separated from her body, her glassy eyes staring up at nothing.

Michael smirks at you, the darkness that he carries with him prevalent on his face as the flames roar around you. Blood starts to pool on the floor, and you could almost swear that it’s bubbling beneath you. His hand is stained red, dripping with blood as he holds the heart up to show you what he’s done. Bringing the heart of the girl who lies dead on the floor to his mouth, his full lips part and he sinks his teeth into the fleshy meat. He hums delightedly, lips stained red with blood as he chews the piece he had bitten off of the organ.

You should be disgusted. You should run out of this room screaming and vowing never to see Michael again. You should hide in your room and only hope that he decides to leave you here to die once the Outpost is inevitably overrun, instead of deciding to murder you as brutally and as carelessly as he murdered Samantha. Instead, you take a step closer to him, your head tilted in intrigue. 

Michael smiles wickedly, salaciously licking the blood off of his top lip before replacing it as he takes another bite. Your own heart is beating wildly in your chest as the magnetic force that is Michael Langdon draws you closer. You shouldn’t find the moan that he makes after he swallows arousing in any way, but you clench your thighs together to alleviate some of the heat that pools between your legs.

He doesn’t say anything as he holds the half-eaten heart towards you, but it’s clear what he wants you to do. A part of you knows that this is wrong and immoral, but you place your hands on top of his anyways. It’s like you’re spellbound, the air around you charged with an energy that should feel sinister to you, but instead pushes you, whispering in your ear to “give in.”

Your eyes are locked on Michael’s as you both lift the organ towards your mouth. His smile widens as you take a bite from the heart as well, candlelight glinting off of the whites of his teeth. Whatever spell you were under breaks after you finish, revulsion over what you’ve done washing over you. 

“What--why did I--”

“Because,” Michael says, tucking loose strands of hair behind your ear, “you’re fulfilling your purpose.”

Any doubt that remains in your mind is erased when Michael kisses you, his teeth clashing against yours as his own arousal becomes too much to bear. The blood that covers the bottom halves of your faces is already drying as Michael bites your bottom lip hard enough to add your own blood to the mix, slipping his tongue into your mouth when you groan.

“Michael,” you moan breathily against his lips, the metallic taste of blood tainting your tastebuds. “Michael, what just happened?”

He shushes you, removing your heavy purple gown as he lowers you to the floor. The blood that still streams from Samantha’s corpse has formed a variety of lines that almost look like a star, you note dimly when your head falls to the side to allow Michael access to the smooth skin along your throat.

The strength that Michael possesses startles you when he shows it firsthand, getting fed up with unlacing your corset and just tears it off of you instead. Feeling entirely underdressed, you reach your hands up to help him remove his own clothing. Although this--relationship? Tryst? Rendezvous?--continued sexual encounter with the man who will determine whether you live or die has been occurring for weeks now, the sight of Michael’s lithe, toned body still takes your breath away. His bicep ripples under your hand, which looks small placed on top of Michael’s arm. 

In this moment, as Michael’s hands trail down your skin and his lips meet yours repeatedly, there’s no nuclear wasteland, or draconian rules, or tyrannical Outpost supervisors. There’s no death, or questionable murder, or possible ritualistic happenings. There’s just you, and Michael, and the passion that you share for each other.

Michael groans when your nails scratch down his back, making him throw his head back as his hand stutters on your upper thigh. His fingers ghost along your labia, dipping into your wetness and drawing it onto your clit before bringing his coated fingers up to his mouth. You gasp as Michael sucks your arousal off of his fingers, the sight of it nearly too much to bear.

You wrap an arm around his neck, pulling him into a kiss and chasing the taste of yourself off of his lips. When he pulls away from you to go down on you, you grab his chin and shake your head. Michael looks at you in mild surprise; this is the first time you’ve ever been any sort of dominant during sexual situations with him.

“Michael, I want you inside me.”

He smirks, nodding. “A request I’m happy to fulfill.”

It only takes a couple of quick strokes to coax his cock to full hardness. He lines himself up with your entrance, swallowing your moan with a kiss as he slowly thrusts into you. Your jaw goes slack as you adjust to Michael’s length completely filling you and stretching you. The burn is delicious, and you can see his eyes sparkling as he watches your face. He taps on your bottom lip, letting you know that he wants you to open your mouth. Closing your eyes, you shudder in delight when you feel his spit land on your tongue.

“Such a good little whore for me. Look at you, driven half-mad by my cock. You’re so desperate for me that you’d probably beg for me to spit in your mouth, isn’t that right?”

“Yes Michael, I--” your own gasp cuts you off as Michael thrusts sharply into you.

“What was that?” he asks tensely.

“Yes sir,” you amend, realizing quickly that the soft dominance that Michael has exuded tonight is gone, replaced by an intense need to own you, to claim you.

“Good,” he croons mockingly, pulling out before thrusting into you once more.

Michael sets a harsh pace, his balls slapping against your ass as he lifts one of your legs and positions it around his hip to get a better angle. You’re crying out, hands gripping at your breasts, his back, his hair, your own hair--anything to ground you, yet remaining still seems torturous. Michael’s large hand closes around your neck, squeezing just enough to make your vision go blurry around the edges. Although he groans deeply enough to sound like a growl, he still locks eyes with you to make sure that you’re okay. You give a quick nod, heart fluttering at the softness of his gesture in the midst of his brutal fucking.

Both of your hands hold onto Michael’s wrist as he puts most of his weight on your throat, nails digging into his skin. Tears gather at the corners of your eyes as your moans and whimpers, sounds of ecstasy and pleasure and borderline pain that you’re experiencing all at once, come out as little more than choked whines. You’re not sure if it’s the lack of oxygen or simply a trick of the flickering lights, but Michael’s eyes look completely black as he continues to pound into you, releasing and squeezing your neck in time with his thrusts.

The whole time, Michael’s muttering in your ear, praises for your cunt and your obedience intermingled with degrading terms like “whore” and “slut” and “minx.” The presence of his hand around your throat, while extremely erotic, also keeps you acutely aware that he can absolutely kill you just as easily as he killed Samantha. You’ve known he’s dangerous from the moment his riding boots clicked outside of the library, but cold-blooded murder is something you hadn’t really been anticipating. 

Michael’s thrusts start to become erratic as he begins to reach his climax, choosing to let go of your throat and intertwine his hand with yours instead. You clench your walls tightly around him, urging him to let go and give in.

“Cum for me, Michael,” you say hoarsely, your chest heaving with anticipation. “Claim me, fill me.”

Your words of encouragement push Michael over the edge. He thrusts once and then again before cumming with a loud shout of “Ave Satanas,” the unfamiliar words sending the flames of the candles shooting up towards the ceiling as his hot release fills you and makes your entire body feel warm. He somehow has enough sense in him amidst his aftershocks to rub his finger against your clit rapidly, making you spasm under him only a minute later.

Your loud breathing intermingles with his as he lays down next to you, refusing to let go of your hand. Pushing your hair away from your face, your heart falls when you see that the corpse is still outside of the circle and that this wasn’t some odd foreplay. 

“Michael,” you say quietly as a million questions float through your head.

“Can’t you feel it?” he says, once again seeming as if he’s reading your mind. “You were made for me, (Y/N), just as I was made for you. I’ve been waiting for you; you’re the missing piece I need in order to fulfill my mission.”

“What’s your mission?” You don’t look at him, instead tracing shapes with the freckles on his chest. 

“To carry out my father’s rule on this Earth as his only son.”

Your fingers still, and you look up at him with wide eyes. “Michael, who’s your father?”

He smirks, knowing that you’re already aware of the answer. “Satan, of course. And you, my dear, play a very important role in this new world.”

//

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[devotedwaywardangel1]

BBC Merlin Preferences: How You Met

Merlin - You met Merlin early on in your stay in Camelot, you were King Arthur’s new adviser taking the place of your ageing father, so you’ve seen Merlin around. By some random twist of fate run into each other, knocking you both over. He kept stuttering out apologies, you laughed and helped him up. You had to admit that you found him attractive and have witnessed his kindness second hand. But actually looking at him your heart fluttered in your chest. “Hi, I’m Merlin.” He smiled and held his hand out. You took it. “I’m (Y/n), nice to meet you.” He smiled. “I would love to stop and chat, his royal prattishness needs me.” He rushed off and you laughed. “See you around Merlin.”

Arthur - You had been looking the King after Morgana betrayed Camelot, after being a senior servant of the royal household despite being younger than the crown prince himself. You were a good servant done what was needed and left without a word, but looking after Uther in this state meant you saw Arthur a lot more than usually. So it was only a matter of time until you and Arthur actually met. He stopped you down the hallway after you left to go home that night. “Hey!” You stopped letting him catch up to you nodding your head. “Sire.” He smiled down at you causing you to blush. “I wanted to thank you for taking care of my father.” You smiled. “It’s my duty to look after him.” Arthur started to get flustered then regained his composure. “Please allow me to escort you home.” You didn’t decline.

Gwen - You were foraging in the forest when you heard a scream so naturally you dropped everything and ran towards the sound and unsheathed your xiphos upon seeing a woman surrounded by bandits. “Back off.” You yelled, grabbed the bandits attention and leaped into a fight thankfully it wasn’t a large group so dispatching them wasn’t too hard. After all of them are gone you help her up. “Are you okay, miss?” You ask to check her over. “I’m okay but your arm!” She gasped seeing a cut across your arm that you had failed to notice. Grabbing your hand dragging you to Camelot, once she noticed that she still had your hand she pulled away stuttering. You smiled and continued to follow her.

Morgana - You were the youngest of your noble household and was desperate to become a knight of Camelot but Uther wouldn’t allow this seeing as you were a woman. Unfortunately for him you were cunning and stubborn and eventually proved yourself but not enough to be a knight, instead he made you Lady Morgana’s protector. Sometimes compromises had to be made, you thought bitterly. Until Morgana entered the room and you were speechless. “Let’s go Lady (Y/n).” You nodded and followed speechless.

Lancelot - You were an orphan and had been wandering around the woods alone for two years and had become good at hunting and hiding. So when a boy about your age was running away from shouting heading in your direction. Thinking quickly you grab his arm and run to a small crevice for the pair of you to hide. After the men ran past not noticing you he thanked you by sharing half of the bread he had stolen. “I’m (Y/n).” “Lancelot.” You smile taking another bite of bread. “Do you think we could stick together, for um survival I’m new to this you see and…” You cut off his ramblings. “Good idea.”

Leon - You had found Leon in the forest mortally injured and teleported him to your druid camp where he drank from the cup of life, bringing him back from the brink of death. After he gained consciousness your camp left but you insisted to at least get him close to the citadel, as close as a druid would dare. “Can you make it from here?” You ask, he was quiet the whole journey and you could see the castle so it was time to part. “Yes, thank you.” He nodded, still not moving. “Are you sure sir.” You look up at him with concern in your eyes. “It’s just that my people have killed so many of your kind and yet you still help people like me.” You shrugged. “One can’t dwell on the past, new times are coming, times where we can all live in harmony… now go to your people they’ll need you.” You teleported away leaving a stunned Leon.

Gwaine - It started in your tavern when you noticed a roguish man come in and take a seat near the back and one of your waitress asked what he would like and came back to you asked for a tankard of mead of which you poured out for the man. An hour went by before trouble started one man decided it would be a good idea to slap one of the waitress’ ass. She turned around to slap him but he caught her hand, which made both you and the mystery man leap into action. Luckily the man was too drunk to fight back as it took both of you to kick him out of the tavern and you went to comfort your friend and let her stay in a spare room for the night. You turned round to thank the man. “The name’s Gwaine, princess.” “I ain’t no princess, rouge.” He grinned. “Of course not, princess.” You smirked. “How long are you here for?” “Until I’m chased off.” “How’d you like a job in the meantime?”  

Freya - You were being chased by Camelot’s nights after transforming into your wolf form on a full moon. The sound of hoofbeats were getting louder and louder as you were tiring and then an arrow embedded itself in your back but you kept running, another and another hit you. It took eleven arrows to bring you down, as you collapsed and a man came over he looked you in the eye full of guilt and remorse and all went dark. You wake up and all is light, you get up and nothing hurts anymore. “Oh shit I’m dead.” You whisper. “It appears so my friend.” You look down at your hands in wonder. “Who are you?” She smiled softly. “I’m the Lady of the Lake but you call me Freya.”

Elyan - You were looking around the outer parts of town for a blacksmith willing to fix your armour and it was getting increasingly frustrating as many refused service. Being the only commoner knight in your kingdom had some downsides. It was the last shop in the lower town and you hoped that who ever owned the shop would be willing to fix your armour. “Excuse me.” There was a crash and you kicked the door open and unsheathed your sword, scanning for danger. “Sorry, I tripped.” A man mumbled embarrassed. “No worries.” You help him up. “Uhh what can I help you with?” He brushed himself off. “I was wondering if you’d be willing to fix my armour.” “Of course.” You stumble taken aback “what really… thanks!” “I’m Elyan.” “(Y/n) Knight of Nemeth.”

Percival - To be honest walking through the forest wasn’t the best idea on your part, so when a couple of bandits surrounded you, you only blamed your own stupidity. Mentally preparing for the blow, but it never came, instead a thud sound after the bandit fell to the floor yelling in pain. You saw a man in chainmail sporting a knight of Camelot cape quickly dispatching the other bandit. He turned around to look at you. “Are you okay?” You look up at him a little fluster, taking a few moments to find your words. “Yes, thank you.” You nodded and looked down at the ground missing his small smile. “Would you like me to escort you home?” Tilting his head trying to catch your gaze. “I would like that very much Sir…” “Percival.” “(Y/n).”

Mithian - You first came across Lady Mithian, in the dining hall of the castle, she appears to be concerned,becoming lost within her own thoughts. You therefore approach her and ask her why she is concerned, trying to comfort her. She tells you that she is concerned about taking on the royale requirements of becoming the queen, a queen in which she does not what to be. Hearing this you decide to grab Mithian by the hand and take her out to see the world. A world where she has no title to her name. She screams with excitement and feels free to be herself when she's around you. After exiting the dining hall you come across some guards on patrol, you decide to hide behind some statues in the hallway trying not to get caught by the guards, as soon as they have left you both emerge from your hiding place, and run to the nearest exit hoping not to get caught. 

Mordred - It started when you were abandoned at a druid camp by your parents after you made fire come out of your bare hands. The druids gladly accepted you and Iseldir saw your talent and made you his apprentice, it wasn’t until you settled in that you were introduced to the other children in the camp. They were nice enough but you felt bombarded by the attention, so when it didn’t seem rude to leave you did, opting to sit by a stream. “You like the water too?” A voice came from behind. You whip your head to see a darked haired boy approach you. “Yeah it's unpredictable but calming is nice.” You admit. “I’m Mordred, by the way.” “(Y/n).” He sits next to you and you both just watch the water together.