#it was a hard week in general but i feel better now
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5a-alf · 1 day ago
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The more i think about my experiences in military school, the more i realize the ravens were probably run similarly (if with a harder lean on the cult part) so i wanted to make a post explaining how quickly and even just how new ravens fell into group mentality.
[[Disclaimer: i think my experiences are like,, quite similar to some of what happened in the nest to the general raven but for them is like upped to 200%. We can argue the army is type of cult but not one as tightly run as the ravens probably were]]
The answer to the first is: pretty quickly. Let's say, a month is enough. After that first month, if you were to take them out of the environment they'd be quickly fine again, but they'd already be familiar with the mentality and would follow it if left in the nest. Different kinds of people react differently to the same conditions, but i do think Tetsuji choose ravens also based on their personalities/character, because each year only 4/5 people got into his team out of the thousand kids that play exy in high school, so he could choose for talent but also for drive and ability to listen to orders ecc. This eliminates the hardest type to break down, which is people who are naturally oppositional (like,,, any fox for example). He's looking for good soldiers.
Then, you are now allowed in this super niche private luxury club; there's only other 3 new people. One of them is now your partner forever and ever. What happens? You give EVERYTHING you have to be better than the other duo. That's only natural, there's a first place and a last place because only two couples are in this race; you need to win. What do you do to get better? You look for guidance in the older people around you. Some will ignore you, some will engage with you, but always with an air of superiority. You yourself are somewhat struck by their presence, as maybe you saw them play on television before, or speak in interviews.. you know of them, and that already puts you a step under them. That's power that they hold over you.
Now. There's rules in the nest. Do you think they were written? Do you believe for a minute that the new ravens were given a brief the first week, to let them know all about what is and isn't allowed? No. The rules are silent. You notice them because you can't miss the punishment that inevitably happens when you break them.
You sit in the wrong chair - someone screams at you.
You use the wrong tshirt - someone beats you up.
Well, now you won't sit it in the chair anymore, or use that tshirt in that specific instance, but you know what else you won't do? Sit in any chair you haven’t sat in before. Wear a tshirt you haven’t yet worn.
It takes that little.
Then with time comes confort. Months go by and now you now most of the rules, you're fine. Then you reach your second year, and there's new people... who will teach them the rules? You. Especially if they sit in the chair that is specifically reserved for second years. That's yours. And you feel you've earned it by making it through the year; that's a rule, isn't it? And you have a lot of pent up anger, because you are juggling school and training and you haven't had a pause in more than a year, you haven't seen your family or your pet or your old friends.
You yell. You beat them up.
The funny thing is, even when you just follow the rules to keep the peace, do it "ironically", to avoid having problems, at some point... it comes naturally. You get more and more comfortable with what you once found wrong, or not even wrong, but probably pretty stupid. Because the thing it: it's easier to oppose things that are glaringly wrong. You don't start teaching a new raven how to prey on kids. You start with something that maybe makes no sense, but also has no consequences, especially moral ones.
Why wluld you fight so hard for a chair. You can have another. It's not even that comfortable. It's not worth being yelled at. Just leave the chair.
And then, slowly, it escalates.
And the more time you spend inside, the more you let go on any of the hangups you had outside, because it genuinely starts to feel as a different world, where different societal rules are in place, and when you literally do no engage with the outside world for years... you forget how it used to be. You forget who you used to be.
Being there rewards you.
The more time passes, the more power you acquire. Now you can even invent new rules, as you like. It goes to your head fast.
There's so much more i can expand on, 1) shared pain 2) what happens after you graduate 3) what roles do the adults have in all of this 4) relationships (yes, same as the ravens, we were also not allowed to have romantic relationships; there were consequences ecc) 5) REHEARSALS AND GROUP MOVEMENT 6) public outings and perception.... and i could go on and on.
Let me know if you want me to expand on anything in particular
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itsays · 2 days ago
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thank you to all of the people who wished me a happy birthday btw🫶
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icewindandboringhorror · 3 months ago
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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youremyonlyhope · 8 months ago
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Who gave Sondheim the right to write a song as bittersweetly perfect as Sorry-Grateful?
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kuiinncedes · 6 months ago
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:|
#biggest regret rn not going to the emaiIs i cant send tour LMFAO#i did also forget general sale was at 10am today but whatever#the prices are not great :DDD so :DDD oh well :DDD not that invested in going to concerts anyway :DDD#i really am like ... not all that invested but it is .... a tiny bit annoying to me personally LMFAO#that she has all these new fans who like nonsense and feather and espresso and pls pls pls (and more ik but i'm being petty) and i'm like#WHITE FLAG <333 DON'T WANT IT BACK <333 RUN AND HIDEEEEEE#i am feeling gatekeepy 😀#where's my ticket just for the fact that i sat there learning the lyrics to white flag and your love's like#and sang them all the fucking time i literally remember this i was on a trip in china learning those lyrics singing those songs#in the shower in the car everywhere#anyway it's fine she wouldn't play those anyway hahaha so#i'll just listen to evolution and be mildly disappointed#lol i rly like don't even care about concerts That much i obviously did not try that hard#and i'm like fine w not going#just in an ideal world#i would be seeing CONAN AND MAISIE THAT WEEKEND WHICH I AMMMMMMMM#and sabrina later that week lol#but . at least i seeing conan and maisie :DDDDDD bc i do have a friend who's better at getting concert tickets than me LOL#the tickets were like $60 or smth like bro and all the sabrina tickets left now are like $200 and more 😭😭😭#sooooo ya i Could get sabrina tickets they're there they're not sold out for my show but no lmaoooooooo#i feel like emails would've been in that conan price range :\#anyway yay i'm not seeing sabrina wooo lol#jeanne talks
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neverendingford · 1 year ago
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#tag talk#vent#I don't wanna do the whole “I'm so good at psychology cause I've fixed myself. I should go into counseling” thing that overly empathetic#empathetic people do. but like. nothing like deconstructing a tense social conflict to make you feel good#the smol autistic minecraft enby who adopted me had a moment and I helped break down the situation and resolve shit with them. it was cool#but also I immediately went out to the living room and napped for three hours. thinning that hard was exhausting.#do you ever do the depression nap thing? when I'm doing well I never sleep during the day. but when I'm sad I take naps a lot#because I don't want to be awake and I sleep poorly at I night and am just generally lethargic so I nap on the floor or couch a lot#ugh knowing the stress will go away doesn't help the fact that it's super awful right now.#it's times like this that I wish I'd really committed to it in Feb. like. in two weeks I'll be better and joy de vivre and all that.#but right now? ugh. big fuckin ugh#the minecraft emotional labor thing is just a natural responsibility of being a 25 year old playing online video games with 15 year olds.#if I see a situation blowing up I can't hear sit by and watch someone destroy their friendships on the server. I have to help#but also bro I am struggling to help myself. maybe I say I'm packing up my pc early so that I have a good excuse to stay off the server#I literally did the thing again where I make new friends. make everyone love me. and then get burnt out at the speed of light and disappear#making friends is so easy. leaving friends is so easy. nothing is forever and we all die someday. blah blah blah you know it already#meaningless meaningless. all is meaningless. maybe king Solomon was just fuckin depressed when he wrote that. sure sounds like it to me.#I just can't do anything when I'm like this. we're subsistence living now bois.#I wonder if part of my neurological damage is from the lead I used to eat in high school.#the windex shots can't have been good for me. but I don't think that stays in your body the same way#though it did fuck up my urinary tract for a few months. that was wild.#anyway. I wonder how much of my chronic periodic funk is just effects from bad choices and how much is normal natural inevitable.#everything is an ocean. nothing is a lake. the waves are always thirty feet high and the troughs scrape you on the bottom of the reef#nothing is midline except when you're rushing through to one extreme or another.#you're either overstimulated or absent from your body entirely#both of which cause wild and oft unbearable dissociation.#everything gets better and everything gets worse. I'm only like this when I'm stressed. but that's my secret cap (avengers reference)#anyway. I'll survive. I'll make it. I'll live because I need to become even more gay to make my family mad.#I need to keep living so my dad realizes just how much he's lost touch.#so my mom cries about how she should have done something differently so I wouldn't grow up gay. because that makes so much sense right?
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#..i hate to say it#but im really glad Tumblr user vigilskeep is out here Lucanisposting so much and like#showcasing exta depths of appeal tec#*etc#bc overall i think he's sharing the dead last spot with Harding for me 😭#and at least with her it's mostly me not liking any of the post inq lore and sort of sighing at the story (neutral)#with him i just... find him really underwhelming 😭#like my worldstate being- crow- abomination - and then getting handed a CROW ABOMINATION#but he doesn't hold a candle to either of them 😭 just sort of sucks#and ship wise... IM SORRY. IM SORRY. I WANTED TO LIKE IT BUT.. Neve is too good for him. she deserves so much better#than essentially a death warrant#and i don't even see Lucanis and Davrin at all they feel far too lukewarm to either fit a rivalry OR a general romance dynamic#and i feel so bad for saying all of this bc i do like spite. and lucanis when he's allowed a personality outside of coffee#but then even that final line in the endgame of him romance read to me like they were trying to recreate Zev's so badd#you'll never match up to a declaration of marching into the black city itself when that actually felt like impossible odds within the world#give it up#sighhh i don't know#i think his character overall really needed.. SOMETHING more. there's repressed and then there's “my writer got laid off and it shows”#such a love hate relationship with this game#which dont get me wrong - at least the love is there which is more than i can say about inquisition#but from this to the meh dwarven lore to the sudden switch to 21st century language with Taash... i hate it hereee 😭#at least solas is gone from the narrative forever now that gives me joy#i will still have to bear seeing solas fans ( cough and weekes) hailing him a masterpiece of storytelling#when really everything he represents from the very starting concept of the Evanuris being evil in inq has been religiously insensitive -#AT BEST#extremely racist at worst#and this post that was originally about being underwhelmed by a companion the more I think about him got away from me#thinking about Solas and the gods isn't healthy for me i start morphing into anger inside out#possessed by a rage demon if you will#i shall sleep now and hope that helps maybe 😭
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imavikingo · 2 months ago
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kinda personal (again)
The other day I was scrolling through ig reels and a dude talked about how you don't really need to know every single thing about anatomy to draw accurate/good proportioned bodies, but instead have a good sense of spatial awareness and... Fuck man. I don't have that.
I suck at it so badly in every sense of the word... Like I have had a ton of bruises for being clumsy and hitting myself with furniture or things. I often miss a step and fall of my ass (one memorable time I fell down the stairs like a turtle -bc I had a backpack- and couldn't stand up. Fun times). I also can't seem to draw things without having to check over and over with references (And I still can't get them to look right! And don't get me started at perspective or backgrounds. I've literally cried for/because of those fuckers. That's also why I get so weirded out/perfectionist/nitpicky about my own stuff. Because I can't seem to look at it with "normal" eyes. I've tried, it doesn't work). I often have difficulties with a lot of shit because of it and then some (yay for having a roomba brain, I guess).
And it's not something I can really get better at fast or without a lot of work and time (and patience! Something I also lack, because who has time for that. I need things like yesterday! Chop chop brain. And shit... I can't really wait for stuff man) sure I can have some cheats and help (and the delightful use of references, muaks) , but I can't get better at it in a timely manner (meaning now or soon and for forever. Because I constantly forget how to draw and how to paint and other stuff. It's a real struggle. Also for me to use references means to do a finished drawing and that means fatigue and suffering and nitpicking and self doubt). I never knew about this when I was younger and I never thought it was weird or a symptom of something else. I was always just clumsy, couldn't differentiate from left and right and drew weird proportioned bodies besides other "weird" shit. I didn't have a clue because people (adults) didn't have a real problem with my behavior or way of being because I was overall a good student/kid and had good grades and was mostly quiet (I don't blame them nor my parents, it's just weird to be like that since forever and suddenly realize I can't function like I should as an adult or that I have disabilities that have always been there. The chronic pain doesn't help either, but hey! I'm trying and my life is normal-ish so it isn't terrible. It's just annoying and difficult sometimes)
The point is!!! I'm shit at spatial awareness and I get frustrated because I want to be better at it without the constant fight and struggle!
#It's like when a dog wants to play ball but doesn't want for you to take the ball from em to be able to throw it.#Just throw the ball! Don't take it from me! Kinda thing#That's how my brain works lmao#Who would have thought that having adhd and -most than likely be audhd. Bc hey I haven't been tested for the other yet- would be so weird#I mean sure I've been like this my whole life but to suddenly have an explanation and reason of being?#And that my failings and struggles are mostly bc my brain functions differently?#Besides that my body -mostly my head- hates my guts and can and will make it know every single week (The fucker)#Idk I just needed that thought to leave my body and be placed into the void that is Tumblr#kinda personal#Also hey I will try my best to keep being better and drawing what I like... I'm just slower and more self-conscious about it#Also! I studied anatomy at uni! It was nice but didn't help much! Because I didn't know I had a problem with stuff at that point#Now I know and actually try to observe and deconstruct stuff into more simple shapes. Is hard still! But I'm trying!!#The perfectionist and self doubting asshole that lives rent free in my head doesn't help. But I'm trying!#I don't like to talk about my struggles (even less being really serious about them) because I feel they're excuses and also bc-#I don't like to parade my problems on the internet or to ppl in general (I've over shared info before. It's not fun or a wise thing 2 do)#But I found this kinda hilarious because I love to draw and I want to draw but I can't even do that without problems lmao#Also I've always talked and referred to my bran is roomba brain bc it's funnier that way
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swagging-back-to · 6 months ago
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started bed time with jasmine bc shes been getting very depressed and is just kinda giving up on moving around. i want her back legs to build up some muscle again and the only way to do that is to put her on a blanket and let her have to explore.
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trannykong · 7 months ago
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Wanting to upgrade my computer so I can more reliably play games w/ friends is a feasible goal which is awesome ‘cause for the last few years my main goal has been “don’t kill yourself” so having this as a goal shows improvement in that I actually want something other than to simply not die by my own hand
#also it gives me incentive to go to work#I was sick this week so I missed like 3 days of work as a result of me trying to avoid giving myself asthma#but as luck would have it I made the conscious effort to go to work every day last week#not to mention this was a really fast sick span#it only lasted from Friday-Most Tuesday#outside the bread coughs and liquids down the wrong holes i’ve been doing swell#so swell that I feel comfortable going in to work tomorrow#my position right now tho worries me#I’m not sure how long I can be a pick-off as it hurts my shoulder but I think if I were to stretch more diligintely before work I could#potentially avoid it#but regardless it just sucks in general to have be like this ‘cause loading hurts my knees and those just hurt regardless#plus I got a bigass hill I have to climb after work every night and that doesn’t do me any favors#and on top of that if I don’t climb it fast it measn getting home like 30 minutes later half the time#and I’m not fond of waiting for the bus that late at night#especially since a couple of weeks ago I had a dude harassing me#like I have to walk down side streets that are largely unlit to sit and wait at a bus stop that no one really goes to like ??#I just need to buy a few things for the computer namely RAM and a 1TB internal SSD#that’s pretty cheapo in comparison to the rest of the computer#hell the RAM isn’t even necessary tbh that’s why I’m going for the SSD first#A 2TB SSD would be better tho like it could fully replace my 9 y/o 2TB HDD that’s Very Much So At The End Of Its Life#truly tho I need a car#but it’s hard to save for a car when I have so much debt to pay every month#I think I can actually start saving for one like mext year tho ‘cause at the rate I’m going by feb next year I could be cleared of all#personal debts#then I can save up like $120 a month guarunteed rather than trying and failing to save even like $50 or somethin#I could actually help people too#I could be comfortable and help people w/o throwing myself under the bus financially#that’s what I really want
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tipytap · 7 months ago
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debating getting mobility aids again
#like its a whole thing#i want to exist and not be in pain but i really dont want to deal with the discrimination unfortunately#its also the struggle of how my compression sleves and braces kinda cause sensory issues#so its like swapping out one issue for another#i can wear my compression gloves and feel like i need to peel my skin or not wear them and be in pain#and ive debated getting arm crutches to help for the really bad days but its a whole thing where i think i’d be too scared to use them#or like what if i dont actually need them#ive been told the ‘better to have them just in case then to not have them and need them’ so much but like#aaaaaa#what if it is actually just not that bad#like#what if im actually just fine#like i can exist on my own i just need to sit sometimes or do a little extra stretchibg#its also a struggle bc i am a very active person#like i do color guard#i rock climb#i like just running around and goofing around in general#and im generally considered pretty physically fit#but on the days that my pain is bad its BAD#but at the same time#i have a hard time conceptualizing it right now because im not currently in paib#i’ll have like a week where it’s really bad then suddenly im fine and im like ‘welp i guess we are good!’#UGHHHHHH#i think its mostly a mental struggle bc i dont want to be seen as week#but we arent gonna talk about that#chronic pain#BRUHHH I FEEL BAD TAGGING THIS AS CHRONIC PAIN EVEN THO IT IS TECHNICALLY CHRONIC JOINT PAIN WHATS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN#joint pain#pls help ;-;#chronic illness
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minimoll7 · 9 months ago
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The boop thing looks fun and I do want to participate in it but.. I am so exhausted. Had a rough week, still recovering from that and then today was genuinely awful. Rip to anyone I would have otherwise booped and rip to me for not receiving any. I am so tired
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specsthesecond · 3 months ago
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Being a waitress/bottle girl at a club that caters to monsters.
While serving a table of orcs their drinks you hear whistling from behind you and turn towards the table of werewolves calling you over,
"C'mere Doll, why don't you spend some time with us? It'd be better than looking at those ugly green faces."
The rest of the table barks out laughter and all you do is look back at the table of orcs to gauge their reactions, just incase you have to call the bouncer to stop another brawl.
"Aw yeah? Cus your slobbering snout's much more attractive, ain't it?"
One orc yells and the others hurl their chosen insults across the table as well. The werewolves grumble and snarl insults back and you just stand in the middle of this, trying to think of an escape.
"Maybe she ain't at your table for a reason!"
One of the orcs claims boldly and all the other orcs voice their agreement while the wolves clearly disagree.
"Why don't we let the lady decide." A wolf with greying fur suggests with a smirk and both tables seem to agree on this being just a wonderful idea.
"Well love? Who's better then? Us or the mutts?"
"Aye! The real question is who can treat her better, isn't that right, Doll?"
The attention of the two tables are now on you, waiting for your answer with baited breaths and half hard cocks probably.
"....I prefer minotaurs."
This deadpan response takes a few seconds to sink in before a chorus of disagreements and further arguing commences, but you're already making your way back towards the bar, you're sure they don't mind watching your tiny skirt bounce as you walk away.
That answer wasn't random, it's actually been the only thing you could think of all day. Your Minotaur coworkers cock reaching deep into your stomach while he pounds you into next week. That might be why so many customers have been extra forward with you today, maybe they can smell the need on you.
You finally make it back to the bar, getting ready to end your shift and finally get some relief.
"You causing trouble?"
You whip around to meet just the monster you were so desperate to see. He stands at the edge of the bar in his bouncer uniform, his sleeves hug his biceps very nicely and you nearly purr imagining what that arm would feel like around your throat, while he pounds you from behind. He gazes down at you with a knowing look.
"Me? Oh, I would never."
You look up at him and play with the collar of your shirt, successfully drawing his eyes to the generous amount of cleavage your uniform provides.
He huffs in amusement.
"They don't seem to think so."
He tilts his head and massive horns towards the two tables you just left where the occupants are all peering over one another to see the interaction between you and the bovine beast in front of you.
You scoff, take his arm and turn him around so that he's only focusing on you.
"I'm off. You're off in 15...maybe you could come by my place again....or something?"
You nervously bite your lip and he doesn't know why you're getting nervous.
You weren't nervous when you sent him that video of your stuffed cunt clenching around the Minotaur themed dildo you've had since before you were seeing eachother. You definitely weren't nervous when you sent him another video 6 hours ago of you stuffing said dildo into your perfect pussy in the employee bathrooms before slipping your tiny panties on over it, keeping the silicone deep in your cunt.
He pulls out his keys and leans down closer to you,
"Be ready when I get to the car."
You nearly squeal in excitement as you grab the keys and reach up to kiss his cheek. As you skip out the door to his car he looks back at the two tables just to revel a little in the disappointed grumbles and huffs emitting from the two groups as they go back to their drinks.
𓄀
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bohemiandeer · 10 months ago
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You know what hits me hard? When 5 to 6 year old children, all the way in Southeast Asia, knows about what's happening in Palestine right now. That children their age is getting bombed, that they're starving to death, that they're getting shot at, and sniped in the head. Because, just this past 2 or so months, I heard some of the little ones in the Kindergarten classes I'm TAing in as an Intern talk about it. Hell, one of the little boys downright said he didn't like Israel, because Israel is bad, because they do scary things. Another was questioning whether Palestine was bad too, because, "why else would they shooting at them?". A little girl in one of my classes doesn't want to finish her food at all, because she wants to save at least half her meat and rice for kids in Palestine, because she heard that, they don't have food. And that's just the ones I remember. Namely the inciting cases before their classmates slowly follow suit. The littles are fricking SCARED. We had to sit these kids down, and tell them that the topic is too mature for them at the moment, that they shouldn't even be concerned because they're KINDERGARTNERS, they're not even old enough to properly understand. The one teacher I was TAing for had to make a class announcement saying that. What gets me is, these are 5 to 6 year olds, the youngest I've worked with in this specific age group is 4. 5 years old on average, and they've already been exposed to the worst horrors genocide has to offer through the news and snippets of conversation among adults and hell, considering how many of them say they like to play games on Mama's phone, or their IPad, even from fricking social media. And the fact that, these literal babies, from all the way in Cambodia, has more empathy in their entire body and soul, than full grown fricking adults have in the nail of their pinky finger, gets me. FFS we as adults could LEARN from them I feel sometimes. I honestly don't know what to feel about it anymore. On the one hand, this is the next generation I'm working with. And if the next generation's default response to a tragedy such as Palestine, is what I've seen come up on occasion so far? Perhaps there's some bloody hope for this world after all. At least in this country. Especially since a majority of them already come from families who survived a genocide. These are the 3rd - 4th generation descendants of those who survived the Khmer Rouge. They've got grandparents at home, who no doubt are more than intimately familiar with what Palestine is going through right now. And it shows.
But on the other, it makes my heart sink because these are CHILDREN, these are LITTLE KIDS, they should be playing with their toys and watching cartoons and talking to their friends about everything from Spiderman to Speakerman to Kuromi and her friends, and be worried about whether or not they can go to playground that day, guranteed they're well behaved, or if Mama remembered to pack in their costume for swimming lessons that week. NOT JUST MY KIDS. But the little ones in Palestine too. They deserve better. They all deserve, so much better. Hell, it's come to the point that whenever I look at my kiddos right now, whether they'd be working in class, playing, doing something as mundane as eating lunch or getting ready for their nap. I think of the children their age in Palestine that didn't even get the chance to survive. I think of the ones whose memories from this age, is nothing but absolute horror and pain, rather than what has slowly become my normal, who never got to experience what my littles do on a daily basis right now.
Children shouldn't even be concerned about "War", about a Genocide. The last thing that should be on a 5 year old's mind, is pain, and suffering, and the worst horrors imaginable ever to be inflicted on a human being. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S INFLICTED, ON OTHER CHILDREN THEIR AGE. And for that alone, the world has failed them. Especially the kids in Palestine who didn't ask for any of this. They just wanted to carry on with life as kids do, the same way as my littles do on a daily basis no doubt, learning, playing, chatting with friends over their favourite cartoons and characters, worrying about whether they'd get to go to the playground or not that day.
I apologize for talking about this on this blog. I know my blog tends to be lighter in feel, a lot more unhinged and light hearted typically. I mean, I'm just a fricking nerd who likes to draw and write, and lurk about her favourite fandoms to consume and support what is shared among other nerds who also like to draw and write. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. About contemplating it, especially since I'll be back on a roll tomorrow, working with my kiddos again after not seeing them for 5 days straight because of Holidays. And, I just had to talk about it. This is something I felt I couldn't keep to myself this time, I don't think my soul'd be able to carry it. I had to talk about it.
FREE PALESTINE. Our children deserve better.
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readwritealldayallnight · 29 days ago
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I would love a take on boyfriend Ghost coming home to surprise you, but he finds your bed empty and doesn't realize that you are in his room in his bed. Thanks.
The placebo effect, was what he kept trying to convince you it had to be, no matter how many times you rolled your eyes and told him he was wrong
How else could one explain your insistence that Simon’s bed smelled so much like him, becoming your safe space when he was away on long deployments, when he only ever slept with you in your bed most nights to begin with
Hard to believe it was nearly three years ago now that you’d told your friend since childhood, Johnny, about how your search for a new flat was going miserably. You remember how he’d perked up and recounted with a mischievous glint in his eye about how his Lieutenant was apparently searching for a flat mate at the moment, someone who’d be looking after the place while he was away for work
Unsure about living with a strange man you’d never met before, but trusting Johnny’s judgement (though the way he seemed just a bit too eager about this meeting did kind of throw you off-) you had reluctantly agreed to meet with him and at least give the flat a glance before you simply turned him down
It wasn’t until you were knocking at the door of the address Johnny had written down for you, that you’d realized he’d never even given you the man’s goddamn name, only ever referring to him at Lieutenant or LT
Johnny apparently also failed to mention the absolute SIZE of the guy, his huge frame blocking nearly all of the light from behind him as he had swung the door open and stood in the doorway before you
In a slight panic, thrown off by the massive man before you and the way the butterflies in your stomach suddenly began to flutter at the sight of him, you had greeted him for the first time with a squeaky, unsure voice saying ‘Um, hi, are you the Mr Lieutenant?’ (something he has never let you live down since)
He knew then and there that you would be the one
Not just his flatmate (though what a generous flatmate he was when he offered insisted on moving all your boxes out of your old place and into his that very same day), but the one, something he reluctantly had to give Soap credit for, seeing as he was the one who wouldn’t stop talking his ear off about you
You would be his other half, his better half
And all these years later, the two bedroom flat truly only acted as a one bedroom, considering that from the start Simon was always falling into your bed with you at the end of each night, limbs tangled together under the warmth of a lovers embrace a thousand times more comforting than an actual comforter
Still though, that first time Simon had to be gone for work longer than a few weeks, you found the lingering odor of him clinging to his bedsheets to be one of the few things keeping you sane in his absence, taking to sleeping in his room for the time being, imagining that the pillow you cling to your front was a strong muscular arm instead, littered in scars and tattoos you feel confident you could recognize from touch alone
And when his long awaited flight back home to you landed a few hours earlier than expected, tires touching down in the dark, stillness of late night hour, he decided he’d surprise you and come straight home, rather than calling you to meet him at the base like you’d insisted, not wanting to wake you
Barely able to contain himself, he decided the elevator ride up to the seventh floor would take too long, take away precious seconds that brought him closer to you, and so up the flight of stairs he went, taking them two or three at a time, rushing to see the face etched behind his eyelids every time he closed his eyes, to hear the voice that haunted his dreams each night
Quietly as a man his size could, he crept into the flat, snuck his way into your room, expecting to see your sweet, sleeping form cuddled up amongst the blankets and pillows. But his heart dropped when he noticed the bed was still perfectly made, not a thread out of place.
Trying to remain calm, though his mind was instantly swarming with every possible scenario that could have taken place, he knew he saw your shoes and jacket by the door, you couldn’t have gone far… but where were you?
He glanced into the living room, wondering if he missed you sleeping on the couch after a long day, he poked his head into the bathroom, even went so far as to check the small balcony, but finally there was only one door left to open.
And there you were, safe and sound, a tiny ball curled up into the center of his huge bed, clinging to one of his old masks and holding it close to your chest as though it were a security blanket (you’d been sleeping in his bed so much you needed something that still smelled strongly of him, you were getting desperate)
Stripping himself down to only his boxers, he tiptoed towards the side of the bed, his mind finally feeling more at peace than he ever had, gently pulling the sheets back just enough for him to slip in behind you, his strong arms wrapping around your middle and pulling you into his muscular chest
Though it should be alarming to suddenly feel a pair of hands roaming over your skin, a body holding you firmly against their own, it’s as though your body knows who it is before your mind does
Any tension you were still holding onto during his absence instantly melts away, your own hands coming to land over top of his, giving a slight squeeze of acknowledgment, not yet willing to fully leave your half asleep state, but needing to touch him, to confirm he really is here
“Hmm,” You hum, voice groggy with sleep and a smile slowly stretching across your lips, snuggling further into his embrace. “You’re home.”
He presses a kiss to the top of your head, breathing you in, wishing he could bottle up the scent of your shampoo and lotions and perfumes, if only to have something to hold onto while he’s away, understanding now why he found you in this bed rather than your own
“I am.” He whispers into your hair, sensing that you’re already drifting back into dream land, safe in his arms and his bed, knowing he’ll be there when you wake. He feels his chest tighten when he knows that you weren’t talking about the fact that he’s physically home, in the flat, but something more, something much more, because he means the same thing when he tells you, “You’re my home too, love.”
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rileyslibrary · 2 years ago
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You’ve just moved in with Simon. Great.
There’s one slight problem, though: Due to the nature of his work, the guy interprets everything as an order. And executes accordingly.
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You sit on the kitchen’s table, enjoying breakfast together, when you notice the full trash bin.
“The trash needs to be taken out,” you casually mention, not giving it too much thought.
But, to your surprise, Simon shoots up from his chair like a coiled spring, leaving his half-eaten food behind. “Roger that,” he responds and jogs towards the trash bin, leaving you baffled.
“Simon?”
He stops and turns to look at you.
“Hm?”
“You don’t have to do it right now.”
“When do you want it done?” he asks, waiting for your next command.
“Wh-whenever you can,” you reply, uncertain how else to phrase it.
“I can do it now,” Simon declares and proceeds to the trash bin.
“Babe, we’re eating.” You say and point at the semi-eaten food on the kitchen table.
He looks at the food, then back at you. He shrugs.
“No,” you state, “Come sit down and finish your breakfast first.”
He nods as if Price just gave him the objectives for his next mission and jogs to the table to resume his breakfast.
He’s always like this. Last week, you found a cockroach running in the bathroom, and you screamed so loud that he almost kicked the door. When he asked you what you wanted him to do, your first instinct was a very loud and clear “KILL IT!” without thinking about your statement’s repercussions. He chased it around, murmuring stuff like “Target’s on the move” and other nonsense until he trapped the cockroach in a corner. He stepped on it once and twisted his foot. The cockroach was dead. Gone. Kaput. But he wanted to do it again, to “confirm the kill.” When you told him there was no need since the cockroach was already a pulp and left you all to a better place, he refused and ordered an “evac” of the bathroom to “do it properly.” And when you asked if “properly” meant an AK-47 and camo apparel, he thought about it long and hard before agreeing that further escalation would be unnecessary.
Be it his ingrained behaviour as a soldier to execute orders, deeply rooted within his system, or his fear not to let you down, he was finding it difficult to leave his work duties at the door. He always carried them inside—in the living room, the kitchen, and the bathroom. He acted like Ghost, not Simon. Everything was a matter of order to him, and there was no time for relaxation.
But it doesn’t have to be like this; you want him to know that. He doesn’t have to be so rigid at home. He can relax and take a step back from his institutionalised habits.
To prove your point, you decide to give him another instruction, this time more indirectly.
You glance at the sink; some pans are picking out from making breakfast this morning.
“Oh boy,” you moan, trying to pull off an act, “we have to clean the dishes at some point.”
He raises his head to look at the kitchen sink, then sides-eyes you.
“Any particular time you want that done?” He asks, ironically.
“I said ‘at some point’, Simon,” you snap, “there’s no urgency.”
“You also said we ‘have’ to do it,” he snaps back. “‘Have to’ has some sort of urgency in it, doesn’t it?”
You chuckle, impressed by his attention to detail. “You’re right, but it’s more of a general statement,” you reply. “We can do it whenever it’s convenient.”
Simon processes your words and nods.
You stare at him while he eats, and you feel a tug at your heart, urging you to address the underlying issue on your mind. You take a deep breath, searching for the right words to express your feelings without offending him. You reach out and touch his arm to grab his attention. He turns to face you.
“You’re so dedicated to what you do; it’s one of the things I love about you,” you begin, “but our home should be a place where we can both unwind and be ourselves without feeling like we’re constantly on a mission.”
He furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?” he asks.
You take a moment to collect your thoughts, wanting to explain them in a way that resonates with him.
“Well, when you jump to fulfil every request or task like it’s an order, it sometimes feels like we’re always on duty,” you explain gently. “I want us to create a more relaxed atmosphere here, where we can enjoy each other’s company and take things at a slower pace.”
He thinks about it for a while.
“Am I doing that?” He asks.
You slowly nod with a gentle smile.
“Affirmative,” he replies, “I’ll try to take it down a notch.”
“No ‘roger’, no ‘affirmative’, nothing like that is needed here,” you explain.
“Is ‘alright’ alright?” He asks.
“Yes,” you smile, “alright is alright.”
He finishes his breakfast and puts his dish in the sink.
“So,” he says, pointing one hand at the dirty dishes and the other at the bin. “Is there any particular order in which you want these two to be done?”
You smile. “No, babe; you take out the trash, and I’ll do the dishes.”
“Underst-alright, alright.” He corrects himself and walks to the garbage. He ties up the bag’s strings and picks up the bin. He spots you looking at him.
“Am I doing something wrong?” He hesitates.
“Why are you taking the entire bin with you?”
He keeps looking at you and places the bin on the floor.
“Just in case the bag’s ripped,” he explains, “I don’t want to spill garbage juice on the floor.”
“Oh.”
“Should I take the bag only?” He asks and begins to remove it from the bin.
“No… that’s pretty smart, actually.”
He raises his eyebrows and points a thumb at himself.
“Yes, Simon,” you nod and smile, “you’re pretty smart and considerate. I’ll carry out the same procedure while on trash bin duty.”
He puffs up his chest and picks up the bin with the bag in it.
“I’m dedicated, smart and considerate.” You hear him boast to himself as he walks towards the exit, ready to execute his mission.
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