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loganscanons · 4 years ago

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Jacques & Ursula + Their Relationship and History

Important Side Characters:

Johannes Wendler: Born into a vampire family similar to the Caligos in the 600s. He’s estranged from the family in the 900s. Goes by several different names, but Jacques knows him as Johannes Wendler.

Ruprecht Von Dressler: Born in the 1460s to a wealthy and powerful family in what is now Germany. He’s obsessed with the occult and supernatural. In 1489, he meets Johannes, who initially intends to just toy with Ruprecht. They end up falling in love and Johannes decides to turn him. Ruprecht turns both Ursula and Jacques.

Laura Wood: Jacques’ wife. They marry in 1825. In 1837, Laura is murdered, and Jacques goes on a killing spree before spending the next 16 years being an outlaw.

Jacques & Ursula’s Relationship

They don’t like each other, but they do have that special bond created when two people plan and carry out a man’s death together.

Jacques thinks Ursula is stuck-up, self-centered, and a bitch. She also thinks she’s gorgeous but that’s beside the point. She does respect Ursula, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that Jacques was a servant for the de Bourbon family and less to do with whether Ursula is actually deserving of her respect.

Ursula thinks Jacques is poor and beneath her and not even that pretty, so why did Ruprecht even take interest in her in the first place? Ursula gets more tolerant toward gay people, but she’s still personally offended anytime a gay man isn’t interested in her, and she really doesn’t get why Jacques is interested in women when men exist.

Jacques doesn’t get Ursula’s infatuation with men.

Though Ursula would sooner die than admit this, she does respect Jacques. She’s impressed by what Jacques has accomplished, especially because she’s a servant girl.

Ursula will disparage Jacques and say negative things about her but if anyone says something negative about Jacques to her, she starts feeling little murderous toward that person. It doesn’t usually result in actual murder, but that person is definitely on her bad side.

Jacques doesn’t say negative things about Ursula generally but if someone says something negative about Ursula, she’s usually like “You’re not wrong”

They’re each other’s only connections to their pre-vampire life, and that keeps them on good terms. They tolerate each other and know that the other person would probably (albeit reluctantly) be there for them.

Their history below the cut b/c it’s v long

Becoming Vampires

In the 1520s, Ruprecht suggests to Johannes that they build their own vampire family comparable to Johannes’s original family. Johannes is like “but they suck and also u can’t have kids” and Ruprecht is like “I don’t want kids. We’ll just turn them ourselves and have an army of vampire allies” and Johannes is like “ok bet”

Ruprecht and Johannes turn a few people in the late 1520s and early 1530s, choosing to seduce and romance the people before turning them in an attempt to ensure loyalty and affection from the new vampires.

In 1537, Ruprecht sees Jacques (19) for the first time and is like “I want her.” Jacques has no desire to get involved in the life of a nobleman and ignores him as politely as possible. He can’t get near her bc Jacques’s mother is convinced Ruprecht is a life-draining demon and makes her do a bunch of things to ward him off.

Since he was born a vampire and not turned, Johannes is not as affected by the wards and starts courting her in 1538. Over the next several months, Johannes convinces Jacques to stop taking her mother’s wards so seriously. He presents himself as a servant, and though she’s not actually interested in romance (she’s actually just not interested in men, but she doesn’t realize that yet), she figures getting married is in her best interest and doesn’t resist his advances.

Jacques is a servant for Ursula’s family. While Johannes is busy trying to get Jacques to let her guard down, Ruprecht turns his sight on Ursula (24, almost 25).

Ruprecht starts courting Ursula and a few months later, starts feeding off of her. She believes she’s dying. She laments that her and Ruprecht’s love affair is being cut short by her impending death. Ruprecht reveals that he’s a vampire and offers to turn her so they can be together ~forever~.

At this point, Ruprecht and Johannes have turned several people, and Ruprecht is confident in himself and their little harem. He doesn’t tell Ursula about his other lovers before turning her because stupidly, he’s not concerned about the possible consequences of turning a lovesick, entitled, rich girl.

A couple weeks after turning Ursula, Ruprecht turns Jacques.

Johannes is more careful than Ruprecht and suggests easing Ursula into the idea of being part of a vampire harem. If it had been up to him, they wouldn’t have turned Ursula at all. She’s too volatile.

When Jacques wakes up as a vampire, she’s furious, betrayed, and hurt. She’d always had a lot of internal anger and frustration, but Johannes and Ruprecht didn’t realize that. From the moment she wakes up, she starts planning her revenge. She lets Johannes and Ruprecht introduce her to the harem and pretends like she’s content to be there.

She realizes that Ursula, who supposedly died a couple weeks ago, was likely turned into a vampire too. She finds Ursula hidden in a house that Ruprecht owns, where he’s keeping her until Johannes is confident that Ursula won’t snap if they tell her the truth about the harem. Jacques never interacted with Ursula much, but she knew from other servants what Ursula was like. She tells her the truth about Ruprecht and Johannes and convinces Ursula that she’s on her side.

Ursula is pissed for many reasons. She wants to be the only object of Ruprecht’s affections. She’s also classist and homophobic, so she’s extra pissed that Ruprecht took interest in Jacques, a poor servant girl, and is in love with Johannes, a man.

Jacques and Ursula team up to kill Ruprecht and Johannes. They have to kill a few of the other vampires in the harem who try to protect them, but neither of them are broken up about that. Ursula kills Ruprecht in a very brutal and messy way, making sure he feels plenty of pain before he dies.

Johannes escapes before they’re able to kill him. They spend a few weeks trying to track him down, but they lose his trail and decide to part ways.

Wandering Years

Ursula and Jacques both spend a few centuries wandering. Ursula moves around France, and eventually around other areas in Europe, marrying men whom she inevitably kills.

Jacques searches for a cure to vampirism while also trying to track down Johannes. In the early 1770s, Jacques finds a witch that grants her the ability to survive in sunlight. Shortly after that, she moves to the New England area of the U.S.

Around the same time, Ursula decides to move to the U.S. She’s suspected of murdering her past three husbands and decides it’s best to leave Europe for a while.

Ursula marries a man in Massachusetts. This is the first time since the 16th century that Ursula and Jacques are in the same area. They have a few meetings, but they mostly run in different circles and don’t see much of each other. Jacques is presenting as a man, which Ursula thinks is weird.

Jacques finds out that Ursula has been trying to track down Johannes for as long as Jacques has. Ursula doesn’t hate Johannes the way that Jacques does, but she sees him being alive as their job being unfinished.

Jacques falls in love with a woman named Catherine Williams. When Ursula finds out about this, she’s like “uhh Jacques you know you’re not actually a man, right? How’s this going to work?” and Jacques, in denial about being gay is like, “I’m just playing the part of a man!” but she’s also like “oh fuck this won’t work out what will happen when Catherine finds out I’m a woman” so she dips

Moves westward over the next few decades, living in different towns east of the Mississippi, usually pretending to be a man. Eventually ends up in a small-town west of the Mississippi in 1824, where she meets Laura Wood.

Falls hard for Laura (which she again attributes to just playing the part of a man) and indulges in Laura’s affections. She tries not to let Laura get too close, but she’s super in love with Laura and isn’t good at keeping her distance, especially bc Laura is also in love with her.

Laura finds out that Jacques is a woman. Jacques is fully prepared to flee but to her surprise, her being a woman changes nothing for Laura. They get married in November of 1825.

A few years after they get married, Laura finds out Jacques is a vampire. She’s not bothered by it because Jacques generally doesn’t kill people, just drains as much as she needs to get by.

For the first time ever, Jacques is happy.

Unbeknownst to Jacques, Johannes has been tracking her and Ursula, mostly to ensure he stays out of their way, but also because he loved Ruprecht and wants revenge for his death. Seeing Jacques happy and in love with Laura infuriates him. He disguises himself and heads to the town where Jacques lives. He spreads some rumors about Jacques and Laura, including revealing that Jacques is a woman. In 1837, his rumors result in the murder of Laura and the attempted murder of Jacques.

Jacques goes on a killing spree and kills everyone who was even remotely responsible for Laura’s death. She’s unaware that Johannes had anything to do with it.

She isolates herself for several months, grieving Laura’s death. One day, a group of wealthy travelers get a little too close to her hiding spot and she takes out her anger and grief on them, killing all of them.

The killing feels good, and she wants to do more as a way of coping with her anger and grief. This marks the beginning of her career as an outlaw, where she tracks down people growing wealthy off the gold rush and kills those she considers “guilty.” Her definition of guilty is pretty vague and she’s kinda insane during this time period.

In 1854, Jacques ends up in Forsaken Bluff. She meets Uriel and he helps her work through some of her grief.

Once she’s settled into Forsaken Bluff, Jacques stops disguising herself as a man as often.

20th Century

Other stuff related to Forsaken Bluff happens, but I haven’t decided on that yet so we’re just gonna skip all that.

Jacques helped found SBI, but she hates bureaucracy and is a jaded person in general. She’s not very happy working there and does it because she feels obligated to. Every few decades, she’ll take a decade off of work and isolates herself or obsessively looks for Johannes and/or a cure to vampirism.

In all this time, Ursula has been what she’s always been doing: getting married and then killing the men she marries. In the 1950s, she stops marrying the men she’s interested in. Her relationships get shorter and she kills significantly more men. She has a type and by the 1970s, she’s attracted the attention of the SBI for being a serial killer that goes after wealthy, high profile men.

Because of their weird bond, Jacques warns Ursula that the SBI is on her tail. Ursula flees to France while she waits for things to cool down.

Jacques has a lot of informants around the world, and in 1990, she gets reliable information on the recent whereabouts of Johannes. She finds Ursula in France and asks if she wants to help her track Johannes down once and for all. Ursula is more than willing.

In 1993, Jacques and Ursula find Johannes. Before Jacques kills him, she finds out that he was responsible for Laura’s death. This stirs up the old feelings of grief and anger that Jacques never got over, and she tortures him for weeks as retribution before she finally grants him some mercy and kills him.

Ursula is shocked by how cruel Jacques gets while enacting revenge. When she points that out to Jacques, Jacques is like “oh no I’m a terrible and cruel person I can’t believe I’ve let myself behave this way” blah blah self-flagellation. Ursula is less impressed after Jacques’s “woe is me I’m so awful” speech

After Johannes is dead, Jacques hermits again, isolating herself from everyone for about a decade. She’s grieving Laura again and also having a crisis about herself and how she’s a terrible person and how Laura would be so disappointed in her. It’s very emo and whiny

Ursula moves back to the U.S. in 1994

Jacques returns to work at the SBI in 2004. She’s working just to work at this point. The SBI regularly pisses her off, and she frequently goes against the orders of the SBI. It’s hard to fire her though because she’s been there longer than anyone else and she has a lot of power.

She also has an entire library of encoded information on most important supernatural creatures and many uninfluential creatures as well. She has a lot of information on most people she’s worked with at the SBI. People would rather not cross her

#jacques was supposed to be the side character in ursula's story #that's pretty much been flipped lol #jacques duval #ursula de bourbon #ruprecht von dressler #johannes wendler #laura wood #background #urban fantasy

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fortunatelycooltrash · 5 years ago

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So people love to say that America doesn’t have free healthcare because the quality would sink and the waits would go up. Now, while those are valid worries despite being no excuse for the atrociously high prices of even minior procedures, I’d like to share some bullshit that I’ve experienced involving normal US hospitals and medical branches alike.

My root canal is going to cost 2500 dollars because it is not covered by most dental plans despite it being a completely necessary procedure that directly affects my health. Absorb that then absorb the fact this plan covers some of braces. The crown alone is costing over 1200.

I almost died in a hospital waiting room because my ‘stomach ache’ that was causing me so much pain I was sick with it wasn’t severe enough to qualify for immediate attention. Undiagnosed Appendicitis.

My nephew and sister almost met their end because an incompetent doctor misdiagnosed my sister with a URI. She had type A flu.

My cousins father had a doctor who refused to diagnose him despite him coming back constantly because of lethargy. Said he couldn’t find anything wrong. Her father was poor and had really bad insurance. Finally he went to another doctor and was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He could have lived if he had been diagnosed a year or two prior before it spead but by the time he got his diagnosis, it was too late. He died, I believe, a few months later but I was young so he might have made it a year or longer.

I suffered from chronic nosebleeds as a child to the point that blood didn’t even scare me anymore. The doctor told my mother that it was coming from wounds inside my nose and I was most likely picking at it and there was nothing medically wrong with me. My mother, knowing even as a child I knew not to waste her money, took me to another doctor. Severe Anemia. Still suffer from it too this day. Have to take those horrid tasting red pills🤢.

My aunt constantly butchering her budget because she needs her insulin and it’s cost keeps getting higher despite it remaining relatively the same. Luckily my state is looking to cap it at 100 though if that will actually go into effect isn’t determined yet.

My mom, bless her, repeatedly going in for her back aching only to be told pain was normal for someone of her weight and age. Nope, she is a nurse and turned people that were 300 pounds or more. She had completely blown her back and had a pinched nerve that was so severe she could barely stand without pain. The doctor that diagnosed her was surprised she could even walk.

My sister, having a grand mal seizure in the nurses office of a high school. They told her to stop faking. That bitch wasn’t even a real nurse so this one doesn’t count but I had to mention this because why the fuck wasn’t a registered nurse hired?

My (other) aunt having minor chest pain then suffering a heart attack in the waiting room because they had her wait so long since she didn’t seem serious. I’m sure that’s going to have lasting damage that could have been easily prevented.

My sister giving birth and getting a 28,000 dollar bill for a room and care for her and the baby. She was there for a day and a half. She didn’t even have a long or complicated delivery.

My mother being told she was completely fine to continue working despite having an off feeling about her third pregnancy(about 24 years ago) the doctor told her there were no complications and she could go on as normal. She miscarried her seven month along daughter three days later because her placenta was underneath the baby and tore. That doctor is still in practice.

The nurses in my mothers delivery room ignoring both her and the monitor. Which, if they had been looking at, clearly desplayed my older brother with his umbilical core wrapped tight around his neck. He lived because my moms main doctor walked in and had a conniption fit when he noticed the vitals dropping. He’s the doc my sis uses now. A good man.

(Same bro)My older brother turning blue everytime he cried being brushed off. Hole in his heart that has since closed.

When I was younger, I slipped in the shower and hit my head so hard against the metal lining of it(stall shower) that the skin split open and abscessed. My doc treated the abscess but did no further testing after a 4 hour wait. As we were leaving, I don’t remember much of this week my mom told me, I vomited and passed out in the parking lot. Had a concussion.

My brother being misdiagnosed with the flu, strep, and a few other things over the course of a few weeks before one doctor finally tested him for HIV. It was positive. Luckily he only had one partner. Unluckily, the partner was the one that gave it to him via cheating on him.

Me, almost dying of a violent case of strep throat because they said I had a sinus infection. My fever peaked at 104 then, blessedly, broke. I do not remember this as the memories of the days I was sick are incredibly fever burned but I remember wrapping blankets around me because I was so cold.

The strep attacked so quick and harshly that if I had lived alone it probably would have killed me since I wouldn’t have been able to get help and I would’ve kept trying to get ‘warmer’ and helped raise my temp over 106. You typically don’t come back from that one unharmed. If at all.

My older bro(cord baby) being told suffering from auditory hallucinations was a common thing(not wrong but they should have actually asked about his family history and idk, did more??) he had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. He is medicated and much happier now.

Me breaking my gotdamn pointer knuckle and the x-ray person getting blurry x-rays that she used despite the fact that they weren’t accurate. Thank you bitch, now my abnormally short pointer finger clicks because it began to set wrong.

Theres a few more but I’m currently giving my bro a hard time for texting me a text meant for his bf so imma bounce for now. May add more later. The whole point to this was to show people that don’t want free health care because the ‘quality would go down’ or the ‘wait would be too long’ that the wait is already long enough for you to die anyway and the quality already sucks ass if you’re poor because they will not diagnose you correctly.

Or They will misdiagnose you then blame YOU when you sue(happened to my mom in that miscarriage one but because he hadn’t wrote a release back to work she had no actual proof he’d told her she could.)

Or They will overcharge you for things that have a far cheaper value simply because they can and you can’t do anything about it because you need that procedure or medicine to keep your health good.

I can understand things like heart surgery or transplants, you know, the big major stuff not being free because yeah that shit takes a fuck ton of resources and care so I get it, I do. I can reasonably say “Yup that should cost thousands.” I mean, I’m don’t even avocate for fully FREE healthcare, I just want a limit on their overpricing bull shit to where it matches with economic standards.

You can’t expect someone with an average 7-4 job that pays 10/hr(oooh ya, y’all think I’d go higher? Guess what, young people starting out their careers also get sick!) to drop thousands upon thousands of dollars for whatever. The sad thing is I can say ‘whatever’ and you can actually think of multiple things that aren’t that major or that resource draining yet still cost thousands.

Even someone making 15/hour couldn’t do that and I’d be hard pressed to say even 20-25/hr could do that. They may have it better and be able to pay it off faster but they’d still be in debt for a while or have to work years after their planned retirement to make up for the lost savings if they were lucky enough to have them.

I’ve also heard people complaining about it raising taxes but you’ll spend way more getting something done at a hospital then you’d spend on those taxes in a year.

Besides, if you’re so pissed about taxes then to even it out protest the stupid taxes. Your house? Taxed. Your inheritance that you gain but also leave behind to care for your family? Taxed. Your property that you bought 100% full price paid? Taxed every year. Your car? Taxed.

How bout getting pissed about those instead of getting pissy about people getting their health fixed? There are plenty of ridiculous taxes so I don’t know why people are so against having one that actually helps people.

Sorry for this rant, I know it’s not centered around my profile theme but I am majorly pissed off that I’m about to have to let a tooth rot out of my head because my insurance decided that: covering something cosmetic like braces? Yeah! Covering a completely necessary surgery that can actually harm/kill the person via infection if left untreated? Nope, that costs us more!

I can’t drop two fucking grand on dental surgery. It’s just not happening. I don’t know anyone who can do that shit. Anyone who gets pissed off about me posting this: go slam a hammer against your tooth until it cracks down the middle, exposing your nerve to the harsh unforgiving world then let it develop a cavity around it.

Afterwards, try to eat literally anything: hot, cold, hard, soft, it doesn’t matter. You’ll cry, I promise. Now imagine being told the only way to fix that is to cough up over two grand and if you can’t well then oh fucking well? Kinda hurts ya a bit. Not nearly as much as the tooth but still.

Hell, I know dental probably wouldnt even get covered if they made healthcare reduced or free but this whole situation has reminded me just how fucked you are if you get anything remotely wrong with you in the U.S

#freehealthcare #no i dont plan on having kid too many bad genes #america #americanhealthcare

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jazy3 · 5 years ago

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Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X08

OH MY GOD!!! That was amazing! I cried. I screamed. I swore. It was SO good! The 350th episode of Grey’s Anatomy was incredible. There were so many call backs! I think they pretty much touch on every major storyline from the early seasons. On top of that Meredith and DeLuca finally broke up!!! I’m so happy.

Now onto the recap and review! Meredith finally has her day in court! She has to go before the medical commission about her license. The whole gang turns up for Meredith’s hearing. We find out that Richard just got back into town as he was away attending Sabi’s funeral. Neither Catherine nor Jackson went. That’s awkward. We learn that Teddy is sleep deprived because Allison isn’t sleeping and Owen isn’t pulling his weight as a parent. Link then gives Teddy his coffee because she needs it more than he does.

It’s nice to see them all getting along. Bailey then shows up and tries to pull so bureaucratic BS on the rest of the doctors and Richard is having none of it. Meanwhile back at the hospital the residents are holding down the fort while most of the attendings are away for the hearing. Koracick’s student from Hopkins is such a killjoy! I loved all the call backs to the crimes of seasons past! Also a big shout out to Meredith’s long suffering lawyer! This woman deserves a pay raise! She has her work cut out for her.

And as it turns out that’s not even the half of it because … THE SEXIST AGEIST ASSHOLE DOCTOR THAT KNOWINGLY KILLED DEREK SHEPHERD IS ON THE PANEL!!!! This raises so many questions. How is that man still practicing medicine?!?! How was he not fired? How has HE not lost his license when he knowingly killed a man in cold blood?!?!? To top it all off he’s late to the hearing which suggests that he’s still just as incompetent as he was when he knowingly overrode Penny and murdered Derek. WTF?!?!

His presence there becomes even more infuriating as it becomes clear that he doesn’t even remember murdering Derek or the way he treated Meredith. He doesn’t recognize her at all. The nerve of this creep. Poor Meredith. As if this day wasn’t already hard enough! They call Bailey to the stand and she is not happy about being questioned. She answers her questions robotically and acts like she barely knows Meredith at all. The flashbacks to past cases were great!

I get that Bailey’s pissed but her behaviour seems a bit overboard. Does she actually want Mer to lose her license? We find out that the U.S. Government sent Gabby’s Mom from a Detention Centre back to Honduras while Gabby and her Dad are still in the U.S. I hate this. I hate that this stuff is happening to real families. It’s heartbreaking. They call DeLuca to the stand. It does not go well.

I knew Mer being in another attending/resident relationship was going to bite her in the ass and here it is. I hate that Mer got publicly roasted when DeLuca was the one that threaten her when she tried to help after Alex beat him up. The prosecution makes it seem like Meredith came onto to DeLuca to fix things after Alex beat him up when in reality she wanted nothing to do with him and he came on to her. So stupid. I felt so bad for Schmitt. He tried to bring some levity to the proceedings and he tried to help with his testimony but wound up making it worse. I don't understand why Meredith and DeLuca are even still together at this point.

Man this trial is digging up all the dirt! Richard takes the stand and he lies to protect Mer when the prosecution brings up the Alzheimer’s trial. Then they bring in Richard’s assistant from the early seasons! They really pulled out all the stops for this episode! That must have taken a lot of planning. I wonder if the previous main cast members were supposed to be here too but the actors couldn’t make it because of scheduling. And the hits just keep on coming! From Richard’s assistant we find out that Meredith was never supposed to be at Seattle Grace Hospital in the first place.

She didn’t match there at all. When the match list came through and Meredith’s name wasn’t on it Richard put in a call to have Meredith brought to Seattle Grace. He always made it sound like she was on the list and he chose to accept her. The secrets are coming out! Then it gets really good. Alex is on the stand and the asshole doctor who killed Derek tries to pull more punches and starts asking extremely personal irrelevant questions about her kids. Alex says he doesn’t see how any of that is relevant and the asshole doctor tries to say that she’s irresponsible.

And that’s when Mer loses it. After sitting there and being quiet and keeping her mouth shut all day and doing as her lawyer told she’s had enough. This bastard took her husband and doesn’t even remember her. He doesn’t get to take her license or her career or talk about her children whose father he murdered. And that’s exactly what she tells him. Loudly. She makes an impassioned speech where she says the names of all of the spouses of the people that have died on her watch and calls him on the fact that he can’t do the same.

This bastard is a disgrace to medicine and he doesn’t get to sit there and judge her or say her children’s names! In response he continues to be an idiotic, incompetent, aggravating ass at which point Meredith has officially had enough and makes that perfectly clear. In response the asshole promptly kneels over and starts seizing. Karma’s a bitch!

In response Meredith helps assess and treat his injuries and as the paramedics arrive she yells at them to take him to Grey Sloan and get a Head CT. She makes sure that her husband’s killer gets the best possible care because that’s who she is. Outside the hotel Bailey and Richard have a heart to heart and Richard realizes that Bailey is jealous of the special treatment he gives Meredith. I didn’t see that coming.

At Meredith’s request Amelia accompanies the asshole doctor to Grey Sloan where Link and Teddy join her. She realizes that in addition to his seizures he also has a brain tumour so she asks Tom to operate and take it out. Poor Amelia. She’s come so far! Tumour Amelia would have performed the surgery and destroyed herself doing it. Post-Tumour Amelia recognizes that she can’t and gets Koracick to do it instead. That’s some real growth right there. Back at the hotel what remains of the panel decides to postpone the hearing but then Alex walks in and says they can’t do that because a massive group of Meredith’s former patient have come from all over to speak on her behalf. My heart! This groups includes the Paramedic Meredith saved when she was a resident! Katie freaking Bryce who we find out is now a Mom because Meredith and Derek and then Meredith and Amelia saved her!

Back at the hospital Amelia and Link are watching Koracick operate. I love Link! He’s the best! He’s so supportive and kind. And then just when you thought you couldn’t get anymore emotional a cover of ‘Where Does the Good Go?’ By Tegan and Sara starts playing. That’s Meredith and Derek’s song. It played on their first date. It’s also the song that played when Meredith and Cristina danced it out one last time. We cut back to the hotel to find Alex reading a beautiful and badass statement that Cristina sent from Switzerland to be read at Mer’s hearing! I’m crying! She is the sun!!!

We find out that Callie, Arizona, and April wrote letters and support statements too! And Addison Montgomery wrote one too!!! Wow I did not see that one coming! Alex is so smug. I love it. He knows he’s got them the bastards! Just then Bailey bursts in. She has something to say about Meredith. As the panelist says, “For God’s sakes who doesn’t?” Too funny! Bailey comes through for Mer and gives an impassioned speech about how she deserved to be punished but that she doesn’t deserve to lose her license because she’s too good of a doctor. She finished by saying that she is Dr. Miranda Bailey, Chief of Grey Sloan Memorial, “And I approve this message.” So funny! I love it.

Back at the hospital we find out that the asshole doctor died while having brain surgery! GOOD! That’s what he deserved. Suck it! It’s rather ironic considering he murdered Derek under similar circumstances. You reap what you sew you bastard! Amelia, Link, and Teddy arrive back at the hotel and tell everyone the news. Amelia is so happy that the asshole who killed Derek is dead! I love it!

Mer’s lawyer comes back in and we find out that due to the deluge of witnesses who came to Meredith’s defence and the fact that the Panel Chair murdered the defendant’s husband and didn’t even remember her two out of the three remaining panelists have decided to drop the matter completely which means that MEREDITH GETS TO KEEP HER LICENSE!!! YEAH!!!!

Afterwards Bailey and Meredith talk in the hallway. She offers Meredith her job back and she accepts! They hug it out! Meanwhile Maggie and Jackson are drinking back at Meredith’s house. LOL. And then Jackson tries to make a pass and they almost kiss and then Jackson stops himself so Maggie tells him to get out. Good idea. Back at the hospital Koracick’s student is a complete dickhead and pins Mer almost losing her licence on Schmitt who did nothing wrong.

All of the Schmitt’s friends and fellow residents turn on him, walk out, and refuse to speak to him because of this. God he is such an asshole! Schmitt was just trying to help. He honestly thought the hospital had made a mistake! Medicine like so much else in life is a team sport. People like Koracick’s asshole student aren’t doing themselves any favours by screwing other people over. Back at Mer’s place she arrives home to find Jackson leaving and Maggie upset. Jackson congratulates her on her win and leaves. Mer asks Maggie what’s wrong and she says that she hates him and never wants to see him again. Makes sense. There’s a knock at the door and Maggie leaves thinking it’s Jackson. It’s not it’s DeLuca.

He asks if they can talk and they go outside to talk on the front porch. After circling the issue for a season and a half Meredith and DeLuca finally talk about how Mer doesn’t see DeLuca as an equal because he’s not. She doesn’t respect him like she did Derek because he’s not worthy of her respect. DeLuca’s insecurities about not being on Mer’s level finally come to the surface and he realizes what has been obvious from the start. He’s not a part of her life or her family. Not really. He tries hard, but that’s not the same thing.

Like he says DeLuca’s her boyfriend but not her partner. And he never will be. He doesn’t fit in and he’s not on her level. Time won’t change that. As is referenced during the hearing Meredith was on Derek’s level from the time she was an Intern. DeLuca’s never been on Meredith’s level and he’s a fifth year resident. That’s always been the case. DeLuca’s an okay doctor. But he’s not great. He’s not brilliant. He’s not innovative. He’s just okay and that’s all he’ll ever be. Meredith deserves someone great. Someone is as amazing as she is. I’m so glad they finally broke up! I was so sick of this storyline. It was boring and nonsensical to watch from the beginning.

Until next time!

#grey's anatomy #Meredith Grey #16X08 #16X8 #season 16 #my shot #review #recap #critique #thoughts #350th #350th episode

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poorreputation · 5 years ago

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SPN 1X01 Pilot Retrospective Meta

Tag list for old episodes meta! (let me know if you wanna be tagged):

@emblue-sparks @metafest @verobatto-angelxhunter @evvvissticante @dea-stiel @sudo-apt-get-destiel @wildligia (tumbler’s not letting me tag you, sorry)

Pre re-watch notes/things to touch on:

Comparing the Woman in White to John, Sam and Mary/hindsight notes.

S1 motivations vs. S14/15 endgame.

Episode Notes:

Written by: Eric Kripke

Directed by: David Nutter

A long post, so I will put it behind the cut.

Lawrence, Kansas

22 years ago

We begin our tale with Mary bringing Dean into Sam's nursery to say goodnight. John enters the room, and in a nice bit of short-hand, he's wearing a USMC (United States Marine Corps) shirt, showing John was a soldier.

There's a shot of Mary and John in a picture. We already know they're married, so why is it here?

Mary thinks it's John in the nursery, only to find him asleep in the living room in front of the TV. (again, a connection to John's past, he's fallen asleep watching a war movie)

Something that'll become a continuity issue, later in the show: Mary's many years of experience being a Hunter, only to not recognize the flickering of lights as a sign of trouble.

Of course, Mary's wearing a white gown, (white is usually seen as a pure color/ of purity, but in this instance a connection to the Woman in White/see Jess later)

Mary's dead, and everyone involved is scarred for life.

The look on John's face, as we finish the Lawrence sequence, is that of a broken man, who's seen something that will eat away at his mind.

Stanford University Present Day (2005)

Okay, the first image we see of Jess is her in a nurse's costume, white with red trimming. Jess also has medium length curly blond hair. Guys, she looks like Mary, especially in Mary's death scene (white gown, covered in blood).

We focus in on the picture of Mary and John for visual shorthand, confirming this is a grown-up Sam.

We establish Sam is "scary" smart, has aspirations of becoming a lawyer, and has a job interview on Monday.

Jess: "Knock 'em dead on Monday." laying it on thick, Kripke.

Sam: "What would I do without you?"

Jess: "Crash and burn."

*smooch*

Damn you, Kripke.

Night scene, and holy shit, why do Sam and Jess have so many plants? Why doesn't future Sam have plants in the bunker, you know, something low maintenance?

Dean, why the fuck can't you use the door? Or a phone?

From the get-go, Dean's cocky, suffers from eldest sibling syndrome, and is a shameless horn-dog.

Sam: "He's on a Miller time shift." See, when I first watched the pilot, years ago, I didn't realize this was Sam implying John was a drunk. These things would just fly over my head.

Sam wants to make a point of including Jess in the conversation, of being honest. And yet, the moment Dean says John is on a hunt and hasn't returned, that honesty goes right out the window. More on that later.

Sam and Dean's exposition dump in the hallway, a part of me feels it's an odd way to catch the audience up to speed, while the other part of me knows this is how families argue when they spend most of their time biting their tongues. Sam especially seems the type to mull over his thoughts, storing away comebacks for the perfect moment when they'll be most effective (like later in the episode). Also, it's been years since the brothers have seen each other (we're told later it's been at least 2 years since Dean bothered Sam), they're so icy towards one another.

Sam: "You think Mom would've wanted this for us?" we'd find this out later in S4, but, no. Funny enough, maybe if Mary shared her knowledge of Hunting, something more could've been done (foreshadowing).

Dean: "What're you gonna do? Just live some normal, apple pie life?" Dean, if you'd only taken your own advice, we could've avoided S6.

Sam, paraphrasing John: "If you're gonna go, stay gone." Well, that's only very emotionally manipulative.It does, however, remind me of the U.S. military’s views on those dishonorably discharged, and since John raised them as "warriors", it's not a stretch to think, in a time of crisis, John treated his sons as soldiers.

Dean: "I can't do this alone."

Sam: "Yes, you can."

Dean: "Yeah, well, I don't want to."

This exchange, this vulnerability from Dean, after his initial introduction of being a cocky asshole who hits on his brother's girlfriend, shows just how much of a facade Dean's attitude is. In the end, he's a kid scared of losing his Dad.

It's this vulnerability that convinces Sam to listen.

Come the fuck on, "I can never go home." after we establish Sam left John and Dean, left Hunting behind, and was told to never come back (home). KRIPKE. YOU'RE *not* SUBTLE.

2 years, Dean says, since they last talked. Either Sam entered college late, (20 rather than 18) or Sam and Dean kept in touch even after Sam and John's blow-out fight.

Again, Jess pries for more info, and Sam changes the subject. Nope, that’s not gonna bite him in the ass, at all.

Jericho, California

(insert biblical/wrestling reference here)

We meet monster fodder, I mean, some random dude, who tells his girlfriend Amy over the phone he can't see her that night. He slows down to a stop and picks up the Woman in White.

Anyway, another example of a young woman with curly, medium length hair in a white gown/dress. I mean, her house even looks a bit like John and Mary's old place.

We get a brief, blurry shot of the Woman in White and her kids. Sorry, but if you're familiar with the legend of her/La Llorona, it's easy to see where this is going.

Oh, and whatshisface is dead.

Chips and soda. Breakfast of champions.

Sam's being a real sassy bitch about how Dean and John get their funds. I get it, world-building for the audience, bit it shows just how passive aggressive Sam is in these early seasons; Dean's clearly playing moderator between Sam and an absent John.

Sam: "Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Metalica? It's the greatest hits of mullet rock." Sam, it's not Dean's fault you have poor taste. Shut your cakehole.

Sam: "Sammy's a chubby 12 year old." or, it's what a big brother says to his infant sibling to calm him down, oh wait.

Monster bait's name is Troy. Yeah, I don't care.

Dean sassing the officer and Sam stomping Dean's foot. Yep, they're brothers. This interaction is where their chemistry really starts to shine through.

Amy and her friend are peak mid-2000's goths/emos, good lord.

Dean's "I told you so" smart-ass look as the friend shares the rumors in town, he's such an older sibling.

They... they never tell Amy what happened to her asshole boyfriend, huh? Well. Sucks for Amy.

Researching on a public library computer, fucking hell. (nothing wrong with that, I’ve worked in a public library, but they’re doing super-secret Hunter’s stuff in such a public place)

Have it paused on a photo of Constance Welch, the Woman in White, and the article mentions her husband's exact line of work; associate manager who works the graveyard shift at Frontier auto salvage. Gives me shades of Bobby, who also lost his wife under tragic circumstances.

A mother leaves her child unattended, comes back to check on them, tragedy strikes. Or, so the story goes.

Dean confronts Sam about living a life of willful ignorance, and even asks if Jess knows the truth. Sam makes it clear she doesn't and he intends it to stay that way, as Dean sarcastically quips, "That's healthy".

Really, the more I think about it, the more S6 feels like the inverse of S1; Dean tries to live a normal life, Sam comes stomping in to rain on his parade. Lisa is kept largely in the dark about Dean's past, and gets hurt because of it.

Dean: "You can pretend all you want, Sammy, but sooner or later, you're gonna have to face up to who you are."

Sam: "And who's that?"

Dean: "One of us."

Sam: "No. I'm not like you. This is not going to be my life."

Sam thinks Dean's just talking about Hunting, but Dean means more than that, he means family. One of us, Dad and me, a Hunter and a Winchester.

Sam: "Mom's not coming back." and so on about how he doesn’t even remember Mary, doesn’t share John’s obsession.

Dean: "No chick flick moments." Dean, dude, bro, you're the one who started this by breaking into Sam's place like a dramatic bitch, and then proceeded to give life/relationship advice. It's already a chick flick.

John's room being covered head-to-toe in case notes, only to come to the obvious conclusion it's the Woman in White. But, Sam said, because of the salt line, John was worried. Now, as far as I can remember, John was never a target of this spirit, so, I think he was paranoid about Yellow Eyes. After all, John had notes on devils/demons up, too, so maybe. I could be wrong.

There's something amusing about Sam and Dean's first duo Hunt, one without John, includes one of them getting arrested. Just, how rare that happens in the rest of the show, compared to how many laws they break daily.

Sam talks to Joseph Welch, who seems to wear the same clothes as Bobby. Also, Sam looks like a giant standing next to him.

Joseph lies to Sam's face about his and Constance's marriage, and it takes Sam a moment to work up the nerve to call him out on it. Or, it's Sam losing his temper. They're dealing with a murderous ghost, after all, and this guy wants to hide the truth.

Sam's done with lying witnesses, and now he's making fake calls to the cops. Gloves are OFF.

So, it's revealed John's purposefully leaving Sam and Dean clues, the journal, and the coordinates, but won't outright tell the truth.

Sam: "I'm not unfaithful. I've never been." See, Sam, that's only in the cheating department. You are, however, keeping Jess in the dark about dangerous stuff. Can any relationship with such big lies every be a faithful one?

Again, the imagery of the flickering lights. A standard in the show later for when a ghost's around, but considering all the visual parallels between the Woman in White and Mary, I think it's intentional.

That CGI of the ghosts vanishing was kinda shit, though. So is the sound of water swirling down a drain, I'm now just thinking of a toilet.

Dean: "I'll take you home." and there, in an episode where the ghost is afraid to go home and face the consequences of their actions, Sam too must go back to Jess.

Sam discovering Jess' body on the ceiling, as the room's engulfed in flames, never fails to give me chills. Hot damn.

Post Episode Notes:

While the pilot is a treasure trove of world building, plotting of character arcs, and chemistry between Jared and Jensen, it still doesn't make up for the fact it's bookended with 2 women getting fridged. Mary and Jess don't get to be characters, only fuel for man-pain, and argue with me all you want, but Mary's send-off in S14 is far superior to what she got in the pilot.

I remember seeing Kripke discuss how many drafts they went through while writing the pilot, and it feels like that at quite a few points. Like maybe the sheriff was to get more time, or Troy's father, who I believe is a cop, would've been more vital to the plot. And Amy, who'll spend who knows how many weeks and months putting up missing person posters for Troy.

I believe Kripke also said they'd considered killing John at the end, rather than Jess. I think, and this is pure speculation, the more they went into the lore for the Woman in White, the more they knew Jess had to die. I don't like it, wish they could've done it different, but it fits the story they wanted to tell.

The Woman in White, John, Mary and Sam, in hindsight

It's a retcon from S4, but if Mary was honest with John about her past as a Hunter, maybe they'd have a better chance with fighting Azazel. It's tragically paralleled to Sam not telling Jess about his own past, which may have prevented her death. And while you could say Heaven and Hell would still have their way, and shape Sam and Dean the way they want to, I'd like to think, given the chance, free will could prevail, And, look at how often keeping secrets is framed as one of the worst things the characters could do to each other?

Additionally, if John had been honest with Sam and Dean about what he wanted them to do, and what kind of danger they were really in, maybe Sam wouldn't have left Jess alone.

Thank you for reading this monstrosity of a meta, I hope you enjoyed/found it interesting!

#SPN #meta #S1 #1X01 #Pilot #Sam #Dean #Back when they were babies #good lord #writers #writing

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kpopfanfictrash · 7 years ago

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The Money

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Jongdae

Rating: 18+ (Explicit Sex, Cartel!AU)

Word Count: 8,126

Summary: It’s 1970′s Florida and the Baekhyun’s cartel has just been broken up by the feds. Still at large is the ninth member of the cartel, known only to federal agents as the Money. Jongdae is the Money and he has one job: keep it safe. Keep it safe, and try to get them the hell out. Part of The Cartel, a multi-author collaboration.

Contributors: the always wonderful - @baebae-goodnight LOOK AT THIS MOODBOARD.

FBI AND DEA BUST MIAMI’S NUMBER ONE DRUG CARTEL

Publication: Miami Herald, The (FL) Author: LUCINDA PAGE, Herald Staff Writer Date: September 10th, 1980 Section: LOCAL Page: 1B Word Count: 242

It was in the wee hours of the morning, Miami, FL when Byun Baekhyun, infamous leader of the South Beach Drug Cartel was led away in handcuffs. Taken from his penthouse apartment on Collins Avenue, the drug lord is currently being held in the Miami-Dade County Jail on multiple charges of drug trafficking and money laundering. This arrest comes as the result of a year-long investigation by a special anti-narcotics detective squad within the FBI and DEA. This arrest marks the first of many, necessary steps to reclaim the streets of Miami from the current state of drugs and violence.

Today’s arrest is due to the intel of one, male FBI agent operating undercover within the cartel for the past six months. The arrest of Byun Baekhyun was the final in a series of arrests which occurred over the past forty-eight hours. Also taken into custody were: Kim Junmyeon, ‘The Cleaner;’ Park Chanyeol, ‘The Bruiser;’ Oh Sehun, ‘The Greaser;’ Zhang Yixing, ‘The Eyes;’ Kim Jongin, ‘The Diversion;’ Kim Minseok, ‘The Pimp;’ and Federal Agent, Do Kyungsoo.

Over one billion U.S. dollars of cash and cocaine were found hidden throughout various hiding spots in the Miami area. Still at large is the ninth member of the cartel, known only to federal agents as The Money. Any civilians with information on this individual’s whereabouts should inform their local police immediately. Proceed with caution, as they are presumed to be armed and highly dangerous.

Sweating profusely, Jongdae folds his newspaper delicately in his lap. There’s an ink stain on his right hand and he wipes this casually, trying not to appear like he’s running. Which he is, Jongdae is running from the very article on the front page of that newspaper. At least it’s a relief to see that the Federal Bureau of Investigation still don’t know his name.

Kim Jongdae, the Money of the South Beach Drug Cartel. Jongdae used to be a no one, nobody before meeting Byun Baekhyun. He was one of many analysts on Wall Street, barely made enough to afford his monthly studio rent in New York City. When he met Baekhyun, it was pure coincidence. Jongdae was on vacation, visiting a friend from college who worked in a new bank sprung up along Brickell Avenue.

Jongdae joined his friend hopping from club to club, overwhelmed by the amount of booze, chicks and spending. It was sometime around the third nightclub that he ran into Baekhyun. Jongdae didn’t know it at the time, but Club Medallion was Baekhyun’s personal headquarters, in addition to home of the infamous South Beach Cartel. Jongdae wasn’t aware when he began to barter with the bartender, wasn’t aware when he managed to get him to drop the price for several expensive bottles. He never imagined anyone above him would care, never someone might be watching from above.

Yixing cared, of course and when he overheard this twenty-two year-old kid swindling the pants off half his club – he nearly wet himself laughing. “Baek,” Yixing’s voice cracked over the radio with static. “Get off your ass and go look downstairs. You know how we need a new finance guy?”

That was an understatement. They needed a new finance guy, since the last one attempted to sell out the entire organization. Baekhyun drove that lying, manipulative cunt out to the Everglades himself.

“Little busy,” Baekhyun grunted. He was in the middle of fucking what was, at the time, just a burgeoning romance. “Call back later.”

Yixing rolled his eyes, waited another minute before Jongdae began scamming an entire Blackjack table. “Boss,” he chuckled, taking a bite from his apple. “Honestly. You’re going to want to see this.”

“For fuck’s sake, you disgruntled wombat,” Baekhyun abruptly pulled out his cock. This, despite the repeated threats he was receiving. “This better be good, or I’m going to stick your shit-poor excuse for a head on the Rickenbacker Causeway.”

“Not your best comeback,” Yixing chewed loudly. “That time you called me a cock-sucking, shit-faced, bastardized train-wreck who’s cum lit the flames of hell. THAT was creative. Anyways, there’s this guy,” Yixing grinned. He was the only one who got to talk to Baekhyun like this – they both knew he was necessary. “He just scammed both the bartender and a bunch of high rollers in what – an hour? Tops. How long do you think he’s been here, Kai?”

Silence from Kai’s radio.

“Kai?” Yixing repeated, then sighed. “Eh, he’s fucking someone – damn! Two someone’s. Anyways, this kid. You’ve got to talk to him.”

Baekhyun was already buttoning his pants, tossing an exaggerated kiss to the most dangerous woman in Miami. “Bye, babe!” he called cheerfully, ignoring the sounds of her heels hitting the door. “Alright,” he grumbled, sauntering down the staircase. “Time to go and make dreams come true.”

That was the first time Jongdae met Baekhyun. The first time they met, Jongdae thought he was going to die. Baekhyun had that look about him, a manic smile and dark eyes gleaming. Then there was the matter of the six-foot giant beside him, his expression unreadable and gaze tight.

“Let’s talk,” Baekhyun shrugged – and before Jongdae knew what was happening, he was being offered a job.

It was the job of a lifetime. An opportunity Jongdae couldn’t pass up – and he didn’t. Barely hesitated, before saying yes. Ever since graduating college, Jongdae had worked as an analyst on Wall Street. Putting in hundred-hour weeks, sleeping on office floors, barely able to pay the rent on an apartment he never saw. One Jongdae shared with three other dudes, all of them crazier than he was.

Most of the week Jongdae lived on cup ramen and apples, occasionally he didn’t eat at all. When Baekhyun dangled this dream before him, gave him the opportunity to escape and make money now – Jongdae jumped. Baekhyun just told him how high. Jongdae didn’t return to New York, just called his roommates from a pay phone and told them he’d wire the last month’s rent. The amount didn’t matter, Baekhyun offered him ten times that much as a signing bonus.

Things quickly spiraled. Within months, Jongdae was living in a penthouse on Brickell Avenue. He was smart with the cartel’s money, more than could be said of the others. This was the advantage of having Jongdae as your man – he understood money. He lived and breathed those large, corporate organizations. I mean hell, most legitimate businesses in New York were Ponzi schemes. What did it matter then, if Jongdae was paid by someone paying taxes or by Baekhyun? Not much. If anything, Baekhyun was the more generous employer. At least he cared about those working for him.

Most other cartels were hotheaded, only cared about the now – not about what happened next. Jongdae thought about everything. He spread out their assets, diversified their funds. Tied them to offshore accounts, random assets and real estate ventures. If the cartel ever got caught, at least their money would be safe.

Which is why it is safe. That’s why the feds are looking for Jongdae; they only found a portion of Baekhyun’s massive empire back in Miami. On the last seat of the bus now, on his way to Middle-of-Nowhere, Alabama, Jongdae closes his eyes. This is Baekhyun’s brilliance, really. To keep Jongdae as far from the others as possible, with only Lay and Chanyeol knowing his face – only Yixing his name.

It’s for his own protection. If any other member got caught, they couldn’t out Jongdae. If they couldn’t explain Jongdae, then the money of the cartel would be safe. Baekhyun might’ve been one arrogant, son-of-a-bitch but he wasn’t dumb. He knew the risks of his operation, he knew he could get out of any jail sentence he was given, with so many people on the inside. What he didn’t have – what he needed Jongdae for – was the guarantee that his money would be waiting.

Jongdae’s fingers tap nervously against his seat. He feels as though he might throw up Or faint. It’s a wonder he hasn’t already, truly. All his friends, all the cartel – gone. When he opens his eyes shakily, Jongdae lets out an exhale.

It’s Kyungsoo’s fault. Jongdae grits his teeth. If he wasn’t such a fucking pussy, if he’d just trusted Baekhyun or maybe asked what the hell was going on – Jongdae rubs at his temples. Goddammit. It started with the mole. Junmyeon knew about the spy for months, knew there was someone within their operations who shouldn’t be trusted. Baekhyun knew it too, being well-versed in everything Junmyeon thought. They were trying to flush out the weasel themselves, though everything went to hell when they discovered the other shit going on below their belts. There was a rogue worker in Minnie’s organization, for one. A shady guy who bought girls and whored them out for profit. Minseok had two very strict rules in his establishments. Number one: everyone who worked for him, worked voluntarily. Second: his employees were extremely well-compensated. Minseok had dealt with enough shit in his life to know that unhappy people talk. Say what you will about Minseok, he wasn’t evil – or stupid. He knew most of his girls were illegals. Knew most wouldn’t get jobs elsewhere, so he offered them less-than-reputable work – but paid them well and treated them decent. It was a good opportunity, until they were able to get on their feet. Then Minseok let them go, usually with a fake ID and social security number. People who love you, are more willing to spy. That was the whole model of Minseok’s operation, so when a certain male worker began to engage in human trafficking – well, Baekhyun went ballistic.

Not even Chanyeol was able to talk him down from the rage. Baekhyun was seething, he grabbed two Uzi submachine guns and left, tires of his Lamborghini Miura screeching when he pulled out of the parking garage. Chanyeol wasn’t sure Baekhyun even made it to the Everglades before he killed the guy. Junmyeon received a terse phone call later on with specific instructions on where to clean his shit up.

The girl Kyungsoo was in love with was one of the ones Baekhyun liberated in his operation. Sure, Jongdae knows there was some sort of negotiation which went down – some front Minseok put up which made Kyungsoo think he owned her or something. Minseok typically only did that with outsiders though, guys he was suspicious of and didn’t want to let in. Better to be feared, than perceived as weak.

It was Kyungsoo’s words which made them suspect something strange going on in the first place. Not that they let him know this, of course. Kyungsoo never found out about any of it, since he never bothered to ask. Jongdae’s lip curls, remembering the way Kyungsoo turned a blind eye when he found out about Taewon. He knew the asshole was undercover in their cartel. Maybe not at first, but eventually he found out – and once he did, what did he do? Nothing.

Jongdae knows this now through bits and pieces, snippets of conversations he overhead on Yixing’s radio. A small laugh crosses his lips, thinking about Kyungsoo being trapped in that prison with the rest of them.

Taewon also worked for the FBI. Taewon was the once-partner of some woman in Kyungsoo’s department until he was sent to the field, undercover. Jongdae actually recognized the name, after the fact. Taewon was low-level in the cartel, someone whose car Sehun worked on. Someone who Junmyeon occasionally called in to help clean up messes. Apparently though, he was much more than that.

It was their own fault, really. Members of the cartel got arrogant. They got cocky, they thought a little roach like Taewon couldn’t wreck their entire operation. All it took was Taewon catching on to Lay and Kai. The shadow twins, the ones making sure all the transactions went smoothly. If any boat came in, Lay saw. If any police were on the roads, Kai circumvented. When Taewon realized who they were, everything went to shit. He broke into Lay’s apartment, stole the coordinates for their next drops.

Jongdae remembers the phone call vividly. Baekhyun was in his apartment at the time, drinking a glass of McKenna, neat. Jongdae’s land line rang – when didn’t Lay know where they were? – and to Jongdae’s surprise, the call was for Baekhyun.

The boss took it out on the balcony, overlooking the blue horizon while his lips tightened with displeasure. The longer Lay spoke, the colder his gaze grew and when Baekhyun finally turned to look at him, Jongdae shivered. The boss threw his glass at the wall, shattering it into a million, tiny pieces before hanging up the phone. “Got to go,” he barked, motioning for Chanyeol to follow. “Some little prick thinks he can mess with us.”

That was the last time Jongdae saw Baekhyun. Taewon took those coordinates he stole and began to stalk Baekhyun’s movements. Jondgae assumes it was sometime during this, he saw Baekhyun’s woman. The dragon, as Jongdae liked to call her, since her father’s cartel was el Monstruo. The monster. Baekhyun was dating the monster’s daughter – a woman who had fire all on her own.

Once Taewon found this out, he went straight to the head of el Monstruo. Taewon gave the man two things that day: photographs of his daughter with Baekhyun, and the coordinates he stole from Lay. Then it was the simple matter of sitting back and letting it happen. El Monstruo arranged a fake shipment, one to set Baekhyun’s people up.

Baekhyun wasn’t at the drop, but others were. Baekhyun’s head waitress from Club Medallion was there. His main distributor for the Miami area was. After several hours in custody, they gave up. It wasn’t long before the feds were knocking down Baekhyun’s door and dragging members out on their asses.

Everyone but Jongdae.

Jongdae still wonders if it was a mistake, the call he got from Chanyeol. All he said to him was, “Run,” but Chanyeol said it with such panic, Jongdae took him seriously. He now wonders if Chanyeol knew. If he got some heads up, a warning to get the hell out – but was too damn stubborn to leave himself. It seems like a very Chanyeol thing to do, if Jongdae is being honest. Go down with the ship because, though Chanyeol loved himself, he loved Baekhyun more. They were blood brothers, sworn to protect one another.

Once again, Jongdae lowers his face to his hands. He feels like a coward. He feels like a traitor, but he knows Chanyeol called him for a reason and that out of all of them, he’s the one who can’t be caught. Jongdae is the one with the money, which means he must be free.

Baekhyun would happily slit Jongdae’s throat, if he appeared in prison. Thinking this, Jongdae swallows. He likes his throat. Would love to keep it whole and intact. This is why he’s sitting here now, on this bus. Getting the hell out of Dodge.

Metaphorically speaking, of course. Miami is much worse than Dodge City ever was.

The only thing is, once he reaches his destination – Jongdae isn’t sure he’ll be welcomed. It’s been years since he’s laid eyes you. Years, since the day Jongdae packed up and left. He didn’t want you involved in this, in his current lifestyle but now that it’s gone – you’re the only place he wants to be.

The Alabama air is hot, sultry and Jongdae is sweating within two minutes of getting off the bus. The scratchy vinyl of the seat sticks with him, its imprint an itch he can’t scratch while walking down main street. The last he heard, you lived over on Peach. This sounds so cliché, like a bad romantic comedy but then, you’ve always liked things like that. Quaint things, stability. It’s why Jongdae stayed away from you for so long.

The day is humid, though the sky is surprisingly clear. Nothing like Miami, choked with the smog of ships and cigars. Cuban, hand-rolled, nothing like the ones he’ll have to put up with here – Jongdae exhales thinking about it, long and slow. He pulls his glasses from his pocket, sliding them onto the bridge of his nose. In Miami, he usually went without. In Miami, Jongdae preferred not to see.

The walkway to your house is small, slightly off the beaten path. The door is bright blue, which makes Jongdae smile. A pop of color is so like you. The classic Colonial frame, a wrap-around porch with beige shutters – but then, an electric-blue door.

Chrysanthemums sit in buckets and Jongdae stares. First at these, then at the frame. He stands there like that, clenching and unclenching his fists. One second passes, then two. All the way up to sixty, before Jongdae starts over. Finally he exhales, lifting a hand.

Footsteps, the soft rise and fall of feet which sound like socks on wooden floors and when you fling open the door, Jongdae forgets what he had to say. The smile on your face fades.

Jongdae’s heartbeat drowns out everything else. “I – hi,” he breathes, well-aware this isn’t enough.

You don’t speak, only stare.

Jongdae rubs the back of his neck, wondering if he’s going to throw up. “Do you have anything you want to say to me?” he asks, somewhat awkwardly.

“Oh, fuck no,” you groan, then slam the door.

Jongdae drops his hands to his sides. “Ah, Y/N!” he yells, knocking on the door. “Y/N! Come on, don’t be like that! Please – just hear me out. Give me five minutes!”

You don’t respond, though Jongdae doesn’t hear you walk away.

“Please,” he groans, lowering his head to the door. “I know I was an ass. I know I am an ass! I’m sorry I left. Just please – please let me in,” he pleads. “Please, Y/N – you’ve always been the better person here!”

“Well, sure,” you call from the other side. “That’s not hard to do.”

Unwillingly, Jongdae smiles. “I know! Look,” he steps back, raising both hands overhead. Slowly, he sinks one knee towards the ground. “I’m here on bended knee, begging you to let me in.” When you don’t answer, Jongdae exhales. He looks down at the porch and adds softly, “Y/N. I have nowhere else to go.”

There’s a long pause. A moment where Jongdae thinks he’s really fucked up. Thinks he was wrong, that you won’t be able to forgive him but then – the door cracks open.

Jongdae slowly looks. “Was it the ‘please’ that did it?”

You stand framed in your doorway, arms crossed. “Don’t make me shut the door again,” you warn, tilting your head. “Actually, it’s still tempting. I wouldn’t push me, if I were you.”

When he moves to stand, you hold up a hand. “What?” Jongdae asks, wobbling slightly. “You want me to just kneel here?”

The corner of your mouth twitches. “Maybe I do.”

Jongdae rolls his eyes, stands anyways. “Can’t we at least pretend I have some pride?”

“No,” you say simply. Then you leave. “Door’s open,” you call, waving a hand over your shoulder.

Jongdae hovers, then follows. He steps into your foyer, dragging his suitcase behind him. The door is shut hastily, he doesn’t even notice the newspaper fluttering to the ground behind him. Jongdae pushes glasses up his nose. “So,” he clears his throat. “How long have you been here?’

“Don’t make small talk with me, dickwad,” you call back.

Jongdae winces, lowering his suitcase to the ground. He walks down the hallway and when he sees you standing in the kitchen, he freezes. It reminds him too much of an earlier time. A different morning, when you were still in college. You used to wake up early to make him toast, eggs – just that, since you couldn’t cook anything else. Jongdae would laugh when he saw the crisped toast or burnt butter – only you could burn butter – and then he’d wrap his arms around your waist.

Jongdae squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them, he sees you looking his way.

Setting your spatula down, you wipe your palms on your jeans. “Why did you leave?” you ask quietly.

Jongdae is silent for a long moment. “Which time?”

Your gaze darkens, knowing he’s left more than once. “My apartment. Why did you leave my apartment and go to New York?”

Jongdae doesn’t have an answer.

The two of you dated on and off throughout college. There was always this cloud, though. Always this knowledge that the two of you wanted very different futures. Jongdae wanted more than what you had. He grew up in a shit household with an absentee father, drug addict mother. It’s why he never touched an ounce of the cocaine himself, working for Baekhyun. When Jongdae was little he didn’t receive care, love or attention – which saddled him well into his adult years with this awful urge to prove himself.

It’s what drove him to college. It’s what took him to Wall Street. It’s what ultimately, brought Jongdae to Miami. You never wanted that, you just wanted him. Which is why Jongdae left. He was trying to save you from himself, trying to protect you from a gaping hole you couldn’t possibly fill. Jongdae thought money might, thought prestige could.

What he learned though, was that this hole wasn’t something that could be fixed on the outside. Not by you. Not by money either, nor fancy cars or boats or apartment suites. It was something only Jongdae himself could do – and it’s something he’s been trying to work on, lately.

“I don’t know how to explain,” he says and even to his own ears, he sounds defeated. “I was bad for you.”

Slamming your frozen peas onto the counter, you turn to face him. “Bad for me?” you laugh, shaking your head. “What gives you the right to decide that?”

Jongdae’s mouth opens, then he closes it. “I wanted something different than what you did.”

“Oh, yeah?” your eyes narrow, opening the refrigerator. “How’s that worked? Are you happy,” you snort, “because you can buy a fancy suit and shiny suitcase?”

“No.” Jongdae says simply, without any fanfare. “I’m not happy.”

At this, something in your gaze softens and slowly, you shut the fridge. “What are you running from, Jongdae?”

He doesn’t say anything, just swallows.

“Why,” you ask him, expression curious. “Are you here now? Why is your newspaper,” you nod towards the front hall, where the black and white sticks out of his bag, “folded over and over, as though you want to break the contents?”

Jongdae exhales. “God,” he looks away, cracking a smile. “You always were smarter than I was.”

“Again, not hard,” you mutter, before brushing past. You stalk down the hall, feet loud on your wooden floorboards. When you reach his suitcase, you yank the paper free.

Jongdae groans as he follows. “Y/N, wait,” he declares, heart loud. “I can explain.”

You’re frozen though, eyes locked on the headline while slowly, your gaze moves from side to side. “Holy fuck,” you mutter.

Jongdae doesn’t know what to say then, twisting his hands before him. “This is – it’s not what it looks like,” he pleads.

Your eyes lift from the paper to his face. “No,” you whisper, lips pale. “No, no, no, no – Jongdae you are not involved in this.” Shaking the paper, your expression turns furious. “Do not tell me you’re involved in this!”

“Alright,” Jongdae shrugs, grabbing the paper away. “I won’t tell you.”

Letting out a noise of frustration, you punch him in the shoulder. “Fuck you, Jongdae,” you fire. “This isn’t funny.”

“Ow,” Jongdae winces, rubbing the spot. “You’re right – this isn’t funny and it’s why I’m here,” he explains, turning serious. “Listen. I asked for five minutes, right?”

Silently, you nod.

“Alright,” Jongdae continues to look at you. “Give me five minutes. I will explain to you and if you still want to throw me out – you can. Okay?”

After another long moment, you walk past. Sinking onto your couch and looking up at him. “What are you waiting for?” you declare, tapping your watch. “Four minutes, fifty seconds.”

Jongdae moves. Hastily lowering himself onto a chair and nearly falling in the process. “I don’t even know where to start. Ah, shit – don’t get up! Okay,” he grips the armrests tighter. “Baekhyun offered me a job. Finance,” he grins but upon noticing your frown, his smile disappears. “Sorry. I ran the financial operations for his cartel. Look,” Jongdae rubs his forehead. “I’m not saying it was morally sound. I was pulled in by the money, the power, the perks.”

“The women?” you demand, jabbing a finger at his paper. “One of the people arrested was called the pimp.”

“Oh, no,” Jongdae scoots hastily to the edge of the chair – then back, noticing your expression. “I mean, yeah. Minseok’s girls were prostitutes but they worked voluntarily, it – ah,” he shakes his head. “I don’t know what to say, that has nothing to do with this. Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, though I’m not sorry I left.”

“No?” You stare at him, expression unchanging. “Maybe you should hear then, what happened when you left.”

“Does this count as part of my five minutes?”

“Choke on a dick, Jongdae. When you disappeared,” you continue, as though he hasn’t spoken. “I cried. For days, weeks – I lost track, somewhere along the way. I knew the breakup was coming because you’re right, we wanted completely different things. I grew up moving from house to house, I never really had a home. You grew up in a home, but had no power – that was all you wanted.”

Jongdae looks up, when you hit the nail on the head.

You exhale. “I wasn’t surprised that you left. I was surprised you didn’t even say goodbye,” you admit, cheeks flushed with anger. “You didn’t have the courage, the decency to tell me.”

Jongdae stares back, completely helpless. “I couldn’t.”

“Bullshit,” you scoff, turning away,

“I couldn’t,” Jongdae repeats, well aware he’s getting louder. He stands, pushing a hand angrily through his hair. “Do you know,” he insists, “how long I stood there? How long I watched, stared down at you and tried to convince myself to leave? I had to physically tear myself away, Y/N. Leaving you was the fucking hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

You narrow your eyes. “No,” you whisper. “I didn’t know any of that – because you never told me, Jongdae. You just left,” you exhale, standing abruptly. “You bailed, didn’t even leave a note. Tell me,” you insist, looking at him. “Did you even love me, Kim Jongdae?”

“Yes,” Jongdae whispers. His eyes are dark with things unsaid. “Too much.”

“Then why,“ you start to ask, but he interrupts.

“It was too damn hard,” Jongdae blurts. He pushes himself up, standing inches away from you. “It was too hard to look, too hard to wake you up and explain to your face. I had to go then, while you could still bear to look at me. I had to get out before this hole in me,” he chokes, pressing his hand to his heart, “became a hole in us.”

You’re still staring at him, chest gently rising and falling.

“And you know what,” Jongdae laughs, somewhat manic. “You know what I discovered? After years of trying to make myself happy, I realized the only time I was actually happy was being with you! How’s that for irony,” Jongdae chokes, turning around to face the wall. “I ran away trying to save you – only to realize you were the one saving me.”

There’s complete silence, a sign which Jongdae takes to continue.

“I’m not going to apologize for the Cartel,” he whispers. “Truthfully, I don’t regret that at all. It was the first time in my life I felt important. Baekhyun trusted me, believed in me – he protected me, when the rest of them got caught. What I’m sorry about is what happened before,” Jongdae admits, lowering his head.

He hears you shift behind him, take a half-step closer. “Why did you come here?”

You sound tired and Jongdae looks up, still not turning around. “Because I missed you. Because,” he falters, realizing the truth. “When I had nowhere to be – you were the one place I wanted to go.”

Jongdae listens to the sound of footsteps, the soft noise of you leaving the room.

“You can stay,” you say simply, and then you’re gone.

The next few weeks pass by slowly. You barely look at Jongdae, barely speak to him if you can help it. Each morning you go to your bookshop. Each evening you return. Always late, always after sunset, having already eaten both lunch and dinner. You eschew the work of your intern in favor of doing inventory yourself, something you haven’t done for years but it’s more appealing than being with Jongdae.

Not because he’s unpleasant, exactly the opposite. The more time you spend with him, the more you remember. It’s true, things are not the same. Jongdae is different and so are you but what’s strange, what’s scary, is that he’s better than before.

Before, he’d have these moments. There were days, weeks at a time where Jongdae would withdraw. He’d stop speaking, grow taciturn and there was absolutely nothing you could do about it. All you could do was leave him alone, watch him stand at the ledge and hope he’d step back.

Nothing like that happens now. You keep watching him. Keep waiting for the same, old insecurities to manifest but Jongdae is oddly solid. It’s strange, and you find you don’t understand the cause. Perhaps it’s just that he’s older. Perhaps it’s just that whatever he’s been through, it’s been enough for him to know what he wants.

It’s why it’s better for you to stay away. You can’t help but notice the way Jongdae’s eyes follow you, entering the room. Can’t help but notice the way he doesn’t touch, would never touch, but he looks. The way he catches himself looking and then blushes. Turning quickly so you can’t see – but not before you find yourself wanting to run to him. Wanting to turn to him. Wanting to look at him and face him and talk to him.

He says words which catch you off guard.

You’re walking out the door one day, swinging your purse up and over your shoulder when Jongdae looks up. “What happened to the green purse?” he asks, sounding curious.

“The what?” you ask, stopping at the door.

“You know,” Jongdae lowers his newspaper. It’s not the same one he came with – no, Jongdae hadn’t spoken about the cartel at all since his arrival. “The forest green purse. You wore it a lot with that suede jacket.”

You pause. “You remember that jacket?”

“Remember?” Jongdae ducks his head, sheepish. A strand of hair falls over his glasses. “That’s what I see when I close my eyes,” he admits hesitantly. “You in that jacket, the fall. Laughing at something stupid I’ve said – probably a pun, or worse.”

Looking over, your breath catches. “When… you close your eyes?” you repeat, unsure what else to say.

You think about Jongdae that way, too. You thought about him often, too much, these past years. You hate admitting this – even to yourself. When you close your eyes, you see him. You see Jongdae in that white turtleneck sweater he loved, those black framed glasses while he laughs. He had this brown leather jacket, and sometimes he’s wearing that, too. You can’t ignore this. Can’t ignore the fact that when you close your eyes, when you can choose whatever you want to think about – you think about Jongdae.

“When I close my eyes,” Jongdae explains, his voice hoarse. “I see you.”

You turn to leave, screen door slamming shut behind you.

One week after that, you look up from your breakfast table to find Jongdae readying himself to go.

“What do you do all day?” you ask, curious.

Jongdae hesitates, one hand on the door. “To the library,” he says. “There’s a phone and I call people, make sure the funds are in order. I move them around often enough they aren’t traceable. I’m still the money guy,” he admits quietly, offering you a smile.

For some reason, you return the gesture. “I guess you are.”

Jongdae hesitates. Then he nods, and leaves.

Another week passes.

You’re making dinner, chopping tomatoes for a pasta sauce. That new Donna Summers song comes on the radio and you start to sing along – well, not really sing so much as hum beneath your breath and occasionally let out a word or two.

The song is nearly over when you realize he’s there. Jongdae’s soft tenor weaves in and out of the radio, and you fall silent. Your fingers close around the top of your spoon, breath slowly coming to a halt. Or maybe you’re still breathing, but time has stopped. Slowed for Jongdae, for the sound of his voice and the feel of his presence.

You don’t turn around. Can’t, since you’re inadvertently thinking about what Jongdae said that first day. He couldn’t say goodbye because waking you, speaking to you would have been impossible. Any gesture would have been enough to make him stay.

If you turn around and look at him now, you’ll let him to stay.

Instead, you just stand there. Facing the window and pretending you can’t hear. Pretending you don’t feel his fingertips, when they wrap around your wrist. When they set your knife gently down on the counter. You can’t hear, can’t hear the shaky inhale of breath he makes. Can’t feel his hands, when he turns you around to face his body.

His arms cage you against the counter, while you close your eyes. “Jongdae,” you breathe, shaking your head.

“Open your eyes,” he asks softly.

You do.

Jongdae kisses you, parting your lips with his. His tongue slides between your teeth, hips pressing forward and when he pulls away, you breathe him in. His hands slide up your body and cup your face, pulling you closer. The touch of his fingertips are light and eager, needy and controlled and when he pulls back from your body – he finds you breathless.

You stand there like that, just listening to him. Hearing the breath he takes, the sound of his heart. When you look up, you find him looking down. “Dae,” you manage, voice cracking.

He just shakes his head, nose brushing yours. “I’m going to bed,” he takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to take advantage of you and I know this is a shock, me being here. I know that I messed up when I left – even if it was the right thing to do.”

You say nothing, because this is true. He hurt you badly, hurt you for a long time. You’re stronger now, but it’s hard to forgive. Harder, to forget.

Jongdae sighs, thumb tracing the curve of your cheek. “Just tell me,” he asks quietly. “Tell me if there’s a chance because if there’s not – I’ll leave tomorrow. I don’t know where I’d go, but I’ll do it. I don’t want to hurt you any further.”

“I,” you pause, licking your lips. When your gaze lifts, the room seems to fade out of view. “Don’t go.”

Jongdae’s gaze softens. “Then I won’t.” He drops both hands from your face. “I’m going to sleep. When you forgive me, tell me. When you forgive me, I’m here – I never left, really,” he confesses, turning softly back around.

Jongdae walks away, doesn’t look back.

He wants to know when you’ll forgive him. The problem, you realize, is that you already have.

Three more weeks, and Jongdae doesn’t try to kiss you again.

He leaves every morning, goes into town and uses the phone. He comes back every night, never asks for food and you assume he’s eating somewhere during the day. At the end of that third week though, you make dinner for him too. Nothing difficult, since you’ve never been that much of a cook. Just enough for him not to starve.

“Thank you,” Jongdae says, when he first notices the plate.

You nod, don’t respond any further and Jongdae retires early to sleep.

Things continue like this until the first weekend of November. It’s unseasonably warm, enough for you not to wear jacket to work. Not many people come into the show that day so you end up closing early, telling your workers to go and get some rest. As you step onto the main street of town, you flip your shop sign from open to closed.

Farther along, Jongdae steps out of the library. You don’t know why, but you hang back. You should call out, should tell him you’re going the same way but somehow, the words stick in your throat. You can’t think of what to say to him, because you want to tell him everything.

Halfway home, the clouds open up. You weren’t looking at the sky, weren’t even paying attention to the weather so as soon as the thunder cracks amidst the rain, you swear. Jongdae hears this and turns, surprised to see you following. When you flush, beginning to run – he follows.

“Hey!” Jongdae calls out, shoes splashing through mud. “Y/N! Wait up!”

You run faster, laughing when the wind whips your face. You feel carefree, reckless and you turn around when you near the house – running backwards to face him. Jongdae’s footsteps are close, gaining on you with each step and when you reach the porch, he crashes into you. Arms wrapping quickly around your waist, pulling you close.

“Hey,” Jongdae whispers, before he opens your mouth with his.

The wood of the porch is coarse, panes of his body wet while you pull him to you. “I forgive you,” you whisper, sliding hands beneath the fabric of his shirt.

Jongdae groans in happiness. “I love you,” he whispers, kissing roughly down your neck.

You nod, head hitting the wood. “I want you,” you admit, hands fumbling with his belt.

“I never stopped wanting you,” Jongdae insists, loosening this to drop onto the ground. His glasses are next, you take these gently and set on the windowsill. Rain drums on the roof overhead, but when Jongdae moves to leave the porch, you shake your head.

“Here,” you murmur, pushing his jeans down. “I want you here.”

Jongdae’s pupils dilate and he nods, hands sliding gently up your thighs. He lifts your skirt above your waist. “My back pocket,” he mumbles, thumbs tracing over damp panties. “There’s a condom.”

You find it quickly, pull it out and rip open the package. Shoving both Jongdae’s pants and boxers to the ground and moaning when you see how hard he is. Jongdae inhales, pressing his lips to your jaw, neck while your hands roll the condom on.

“I’ve thought about this for a long time,” he murmurs, hand sliding between your legs. His finger slips inside, forcing a noise from the back of your throat. “Please Y/N, I just need to fuck you.”

You nod, chest rising and falling when Jongdae wraps both hands around your legs. Picking you up, bracing you against the wall and thrusting inside. His movement is slow, purposeful and you gasp as he fills you. “Faster, Dae,” you whimper, and he nods.

Jongdae pulls back out, sliding in while his hand braces against the wall. One hand wrapping your leg tighter, his hips thrusting forwards. You let out a soft moan, hitting the porch when he kisses your neck.

“God,” Jongdae mumbles, stilling inside you. “You’re so fucking tight. I forgot how tight you were.”

“Maybe it’s just how big you are,” you murmur, catching his ear between your teeth. “You’re so fucking hard, Dae. So big, you fill me right up.”

“Yeah?” he groans, tilting his hips. When he moves again, it’s the perfect angle. Jongdae fucks you harder, hips hitting the wall behind you with each thrust. “I promise later,” he pants, sliding into you with precise, even strokes. “I’ll eat you out and make you come hard – but right now, I just need to be inside you.”

“No,” you gasp, already losing yourself. “I’ll come, just keep doing that.”

Jongdae nods, kissing you again. His tongue tangles with yours as his hands open you further, pulling you higher. He fucks hard, fast while his body slides over your clit.

You’re saying words to him, mostly swears. This mixes with his dirty talk – Jongdae has always been vocal. He talks about your tight, little cunt, how pretty you look full of his cock and you start to lose it. He calls you baby, calls you bitch and then tells you that you fucking own him. That he can and will do anything to be inside you, to be yours. He moves harder, faster and when his hips start to bruise, you feel your walls tighten around him. It’s suddenly too much and you scream out his name, biting down on his shoulder when your orgasm shatters through you.

Afterwards you murmur your affirmation, burying your face in Jongdae’s shoulder and shuddering around him. His legs buckle when he lets go, arms just barely keeping you up. His chest rises and falls. Wet hair falling in your eyes, as he presses his lips to yours over and over again.

“You forgive me?” Jongdae repeats, hardly daring to believe.

You nod, as he slides out of your body. Jongdae ties the condom in a knot, pulls his pants up around his waist.

“I love you,” you whisper, and Jongdae freezes.

He looks at you then, his gaze bright. “You’re home, for me.”

You don’t respond, just grab his hand and walk inside.

It’s over one year later, there’s a knock at your door.

Jongdae is awake. He makes the two of you breakfast, smiling when you wrap your arms around him. Soon after he became a permanent fixture, he insisted on doing all the cooking. You giggle when he sets your omelet down before you, noticing he’s picked out all the mushrooms.

“It’s not funny,” Jongdae grumbles, collapsing into the seat across from you. “I forgot you hate them.”

Grinning, you’re about to respond when – the knock.

Jongdae suddenly stills. “Were you expecting company?” he asks.

You shake your head no.

His gaze darkens. “Wait here,” Jongdae cautions, before standing.

Buttoning the front of his shirt, Jongdae walks away. He stops at the table, grabs his fully loaded M1911 pistol and sticks this in his belt. You ignore his warning, standing to follow him anyways. When he reaches the entryway and sees you beside him, Jongdae rolls his eyes and opens the door.

Jongdae stiffens. He freezes and though he doesn’t look scared, you can see he’s surprised. You look beyond.

Three women stand in a row on your porch. Women you don’t recognize, though you see immediately why Jongdae is wary. None seem like the kind of person you’d want to meet in a dark alley.

Jongdae leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms. “The dragon herself,” he smiles, thought the gesture doesn’t meet his eyes. “Come to my humble abode. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Your eyes widen.

Over the past year, Jongdae has told you pretty much everything about his former life. ‘The dragon,’ is his pet name for the woman Baekhyun was in love with. Her father was the one who arranged the fake drop which got Baekhyun and his entire cartel arrested. Every time you questioned whether this woman was involved, Jongdae just shook his head.

“I don’t think so,” he’d sigh. “For all their faults – which were many – I think they were truly in love.”

The woman tilts her head now. “Dragon?” she laughs, the sound of it sweet. “I like it. Applicable, too – since I’m now the head of el Monstruo cartel.”

Jongdae sucks in his breath. “What about your father?”

She waves a hand, though her gaze is cold. “He betrayed me, I betrayed him. All’s fair in love and war,” she allows, smiling gently.

As you swallow, Jongdae moves in front of you. “What about them?” he asks, nodding at the other two women. “Who are they?”

The woman on the left smiles. “Ah, don’t you recognize me, Dae? I suppose that’s how Lay wanted it. I’m the behind the scenes,” she winks, walking through your front door. “The one who gets the equipment to save your ass.”

Jongdae frowns, following her with his eyes. “And that woman?” he asks, jerking his thumb sideways. “Was someone from the cartel fucking her, too?”

The woman doesn’t smile, gaze flicking up Jongdae’s body. “I don’t let men fuck me, I fuck them,” she arches a brow. “Also – you can call me Detective. I’m the reason you still have balls, Kim Jongdae. Don’t you like having balls? Who do you think tipped Chanyeol off in the first place?”

“Detective?’ Jongdae’s brow furrows. “Why would you tip Chanyeol off, if you’re with the FBI?”

“Reasons,” she folds her arms. “I liked Chanyeol. My former partner kidnapped me the morning after, thinking he was saving me. All of which I’m still kind of pissed about. Who’s the girl?” she asks, gaze sliding to your own.

You bristle at this. “I’m the girl,” you roll your eyes, “who’s been keeping your money safe this past year.”

The dragon smiles. “Excellent,” she announces, walking inside. “Let’s not waste any more time – Jongdae, we need to talk numbers.”

“Numbers?” Jongdae repeats, allowing her past. “What do you mean?”

The dragon doesn’t respond, gliding into the room. Her gaze traces every surface and you get the feeling she’s cataloging. “Nocti,” the dragon allows, sounding almost bored. “Search for bugs, will you?”

“On it,” Nocti sniffs, wrinkling her nose at your ancient television set. Disappearing into the next room, the detective follows her.

Once they’re gone, the dragon looks at you and Jongdae. “We’re going to break my husband out of jail,” she nods, oddly serene about the whole thing.

When Jongdae gapes, you recognize her words’ significance. Husband. Gaze lowering, you spot the ring on her left hand. Jongdae notices this at the same time you do and his eyes widen, while the woman exhales.

“The wedding was held in secret,” she explains quietly. ‘A month before – well, before.”

Jongdae shakes his head, slightly dazed. “You want to break Baekhyun out of jail? That’s impossible.”

“Not impossible,” the detective re-enters the room.

“Improbable,” Nocti nods, right behind her.

“That’s right,” the dragon allows, looking from Jongdae to you. “We have a plan. I assume you’ve kept the money safe?”

Jongdae nods. “It’s all there.”

“Excellent,” she claps her hands, smile bright. “Let’s get started.”

9:42 AM, Friday, December 15th

A black, Pontiac Grand Prix rolls to a stop at the junction of some random, dusty lane and Everglades Highway. Beside a sign which reads, ‘careful – gators,’ stands Kim Jongdae. He’s wearing a pristine navy suit, hair styled carefully away from his face with your arm looped through his.

The car comes to a stop, dust rolling from the wheels to settle on the ground. There’s a long moment while the driver scans the horizon and then – the back door opens.

“Thank the fucking lord,” Baekhyun groans stepping outside. He’s dressed immaculately, his suit more expensive-looking than Jongdae’s. “Fuck,” Baekhyun stretches both arms overhead. “Do you know how awful it was, being locked in that car with Chanyeol and the detective for over an hour? She practically de-pantsed him the second he got in.”

Jongdae stifles his grin, saying nothing when Baekhyun walks forward. You should feel nervous about this, should feel sacred to meet this notorious man – instead, all you feel is a vague sense of curiosity. The past month has taught you a newfound perspective on black and white. These people might be powerful, might be ruthless but they would do anything – anything, for the people they love.

This includes you, since you’re one of them now.

Baekhyun exhales. “So,” he whips off glasses, squinting up at the sun. “Who the hell do I have to fuck around here to get a mojito?”

When the second car door opens and a woman steps out, Baekhyun’s lips lift in a smile.

“Welcome home, baby.”

[The Cartel Master List]

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

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Vol. 10

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Killer Couples: Toybox Killings *An interstate prostitute escapes from a Truth or Consequences, New Mexico "rape dungeon" after being held hostage by a near retirement park ranger party animal and his much younger but still nearing middle aged yet still a white trash party girl at heart lover and willing accomplice. Oxygen network thrives on this kind of investigative murder porn, but gives mixed signals when the show's main sponsor is Oxygen's previews for a feel good family sitcom featuring Damon Wayans.* either zero or 2 stars

Breaking Greenville: You Are Now Safe *An orange tanned, obnoxious news anchor goes weird on the air and starts having a midlife crisis while talking inappropriately to the viewers about his pending divorce. The same guy brings together his news crew, in his small apt, to give them facial masks and it gets surreal looking at newspeople being reality tv stars buying for fifteen minutes of fame with these strange painted faces. Then, a nerdy meteorologist gives an awkward report from a tornado bunker, followed by a spunky morning reporter trying her hardest to be serious for a story of a church burning. A news veteran, with a walrus mustache, gives the spunky reporter advice, while inhaling a chocolate covered donut, to cover more stories about happy topics like food.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Plastic Surgery, Nip-pocalypse *Put a bag over your head, if you must, but don't put a butterfly tattoo on your ankle.* close to 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 Episode 12 *"There's nothing like being part of the team. That feeling that you're just an insignificant part of a much larger scheme." All for one and one for all. You can't handle the truth or pull the sword from the stone. "Human flesh is the ultimate fun food."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Look Around You: Ghosts *They're there in their room.* close to 3 stars

Hippies: Muddy Hippies *Pitching a tent with the socialist state, landing in doo doo, and selling out to the bank.* 2 1/2 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 4 *The original Gong Show had acts more absurd and interesting than 20 something hipster nerd that's kind of good at yo yo or stripper catholic school chick lesbo act that's entertaining only at bachelor and frat parties.* running from 1 to close to 2 stars

=== Ghosts Adventures, Aftershocks with Zak Bagans: Zozo

*D-bag Zak puts on a sports jacket over his muscle shirt to give some former haunted people, from the show, a bit of paranormal therapy, Dr. Phil style.

The poor sap on this episode gets hammered with accusations that his conjuring of a demon via a oujia board (available at toy stores and gag gift shops in malls nationwide) led to his ex-wife having an affair with the nasty spirit and to her current stay in jail.

You can't make this stuff up. Oh, wait... you can, and they did, and it's as laughable to watch as it sounds.

Also, and I'm not making this up, there's some kind of contention, that needed to be explained by host and guest, about said lady's crotch odor actually not being her fault and instead was a sulfur smell from the pits of hell.

No kidding.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------

---- 12:01 Beyond --- Episode #5 --- Love Is Sex Misspelled ---------

*RKO cartoon - Cupid Gets His Man: An all out Cherub amorous assault on an old maid and an old bachelor.* 2 stars

*Old school, praise-filled promo for the cult classic Dr. Caligari 1989.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo sends one out to the lovers who like to "cop a feel."* 2 1/2 stars

*"Eavesdrop on America's darkest secrets." Intimate Secrets "Adults only. $2.00 per minute. Classic sleazy 900 number phone service.* 3 stars

*Ninja the Mission Force - "N" Is For Ninja: "Keep your money in your shoe." and your heart off your pajama sleeve.* close to 3 stars

*Super retro anti-drug cartoon circa late 60s or early 70s from Hanna Barbera.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serials - The Crimson Ghost in Chapt. 5 'Flaming Death': Collision course on a collision course.* 2 stars

*Ballroom Dance Floor (interesting music video inspired by the Great Gatsby.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grindhouse trailer showing an "Oath of Green Blood."* 2 1/2 stars

*Mr. Lobo romances a potted plant.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*A big costume heart shows up and sings to Mr. Lobo and his potted lady.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tom Sizemore in "Bad Love": Tom is Lenny -a lowlife, jealous, pathetic, controlling, abusive, mostly terrible lover/boyfriend to this short-haired city chick, who could do much better but is too dumb to try, in a saxophone and soft piano filled skid row setting softcore sex in the mid 90s romance flick.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Videotape advertisement for satellite signal descrambler to have "American eXXXtasy" available to all those using a video cipher 2 for only a few hundred bucks. Get all the porn you want, same as an average schmoe in a trucker hat and a plaid shirt.* 3 stars

*A colorized King Kong goes car shopping for a Volkswagen to haul his captive sweetie around in a 1960s or early 70s car advertisement.* close to 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo can't get any privacy or satisfaction from the invasive Heart mascot, a cloud of poisonous urinal cake gas, or a post-apocalyptic plant lady mishap.* 2 stars

*Classic TNT Monstervision theme song, sung by Joe Bob Briggs, intro video where Joe Bob can't get any love from the hot, white trash bimbo TNT "Mail Girl."* 3 stars

*"Red Nightmare": Jack Webb stands on suburban street corners, staring into windows, abducting family men, who won't get in line and act like a good American, sending them to Soviet society where their freedoms are stripped away. Jack Webb is too ignorant to see the irony of his own thoughts and actions.* 1 star

*Superman in "Jungle Drums": "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!" Superman saves Lois from stereotype African savages who are trying to sacrifice her for not spilling top U.S. Navy ship location secrets to the savages' Nazi overlords." 3 stars

*"Women fear being raped, but it's double the fear if it's in outerspace and by aliens." in this grindhouse quality trailer for "Insemenoid."* 3 stars

*Colorful, quirky, scale model filled XXX outerspace adventure with horny space women, Harry Potter look-a-like with his Hogwarts professor sidekick, and overtly gay alien ship's computer voice. "Spaced Out." a grindhouse style trailer.* 3 stars

*"Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders" another retro trailer.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo is the last man on earth, left to his own devices -licking telephone receivers.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Zero stars for the annoying voice over lady who complained during everyone of her intros. Was an enhancement the first few episodes of 1201, but for this episode it was a real detraction. Not sure if it was part of the act, or if it was a legitimate show of feelings. Either way, it sucked. Get rid of it, and her, if necessary.*

===========================================================

VH1 sneak preview "Hot Grits" *Another insipid reality mess featuring "good looking" people, this time the cast being overprivileged 20 somethings from the southern United States (A number of other cable networks have similar shows. So, it's already a tired premise.) and VH1 really is daring its idiotic viewers to "hate watch" the awful people and antics on this steaming vomit, served in a bowl, excuse for a tv show.* zero stars

Red Letter Media presents Best of the Worst: Blood Debts, The Tomb, and Undefeatable *Generic Charles Bronson with a tiny cannon and a wife named simply "his wife" in the movie's credits, then a Indiana Jones rip off that has nearly zero action... limited stars' screentime... and phone filled exposition, followed finally by a mom jeans karate lady in a universe where everyone knows karate and an eyeball ripping out serial rapist is on the loose.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story - Asylum: Continuum *Communal state of delusion.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Hellphones versus Interthreat *Electronic etiquette.* close to 3 stars

Forensic Files: Bitter Potion *Poisoned by Pie. Scratch that. Poisoned by Coca-Cola. Better yet, poisoned by a member of MENSA. A real 'Walter White type' chemist / former meth cook.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Fatal Lisa *"Getting it on (on the hood of a Dodge Viper, which is true love)" with a genie who won't take no for an answer.* 3 stars

Wizards and Warriors: Night of Terror *For the night is long and filled with spiders.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: The Prometheus Parabola *John Wayne and Arcane have a tech-war shootout showdown.* either 1 or 3 stars

Viper: Firehawk *"Beware the Bandersnatch" Urban assault and compromising situations of a vehicular nature.* either 1 1/2 stars or close to 3 stars

Spicy City: Manos Hands *Redbeans, bongo musica, and bruja? brewha?* close to 3 stars

X Files: Darkness Falls *Pitch black.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Mother Earth Bitch *Throwing a live chicken, wearing a jet pack, into the air is not pollution.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Forensic Files: Fatal Fungus *Mold takes hold in the ghetto.* 2 1/2 stars

Gargoyles: Reawakening *Castle and community.* close to 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Gatorbait *Passive aggressive "Prelude to oblivion."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop the series: Trouble In Delta City *Strange side effects. Tame violence and hokey characters are just fine when the satire is funny and biting.* close to 3 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 episode 5 *This show is so far removed from the spirit of the original Gong Show that it reminds one of a skanky Hard Rock Cafe amateur talent night. Adam Sandler's production company "Happy Madison" is in charge of the show, so that says something about the quality and the reason why this episode featured two unworthy, obnoxious female friends of his who were also "actresses" in one of his terrible movies (Something something Zohan).* 1 1/2 stars

Everything Is Terrible -----------------

*Family Easter Hell!: "Because he lives, we can face tomorrow. Now, here's an egg." A decorated egg.* 3 stars

*Christ Or Die: Too busy to hear about salvation? Think it's nonsense? Boom, comically horrible death without redemption.* 3 stars

*Jesus Has A Big Dick!: #BOING!# "That's right!" Gitty up, little doggie.* 3 stars

----------------------------

VH1 Classic --- Pop Up Video --- Episode 3

*Meredith Brooks - "Bitch": A female dog was the first earth creature to orbit in outerspace.* 3 stars with pop ups 2 1/2 stars without pop ups

*Gin Blossoms - "Allison Road": According the the U.S. Census Bureau, you are watching television right now.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 stars without pop ups

*Madonna - "Take A Bow": Madonna wanted to get knocked up by Dennis Rodman. True fact. And true that she is as pretentious as this gorgeous 90s artsy music video.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 stars without pop ups

*Milli Vanilli - "Girl You Know It's True": The only thing true about Milli Vanilli was they were both lip syncing.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 stars (guilty pleasure) without pop ups

*Bobby McFerrin - "Don't Worry, Be Happy": "Happiness is a psychiatric disorder."* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 stars without pop ups

----------------------------------------------

Look Around You: Sulphur *"9 hundred billion, billion, billion, billion matches."* 3 stars

Twitch City: People Who Fight Too Much *"Alleged spontaneous nature of..." dynamics.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Voting, Electile Dysfunction *Don't "Rock the Vote!" More people coupon than vote. Voting should be fun like the lottery or the Pepsi Challenge.* 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 13 *"Doomed souls wander the earth, unfit for either Heaven or Hell." Special guest Howie Mandell, and a Jeffersons reunion.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Bad Dudes Versus Dragon Ninja" (A Data East arcade game) *In 2015, Islamic terrorists are beheading innocents, Hillary is once again running for the highest office in the land, and a moron lands a gyrocopter on the lawn of the capitol building. In the 1980s, we had a president named "Ronnie" and he was kidnapped by ninjas.* close to 3 stars

"Shaq Fu" (*Brought to us by PEPSI and ego*) *Shaq wanders into an Oriental antiques shop, the kind that would sell a Mogwai to a stupid Westerner. The little old man sends him to retrieve a golden child from an ancient realm where Shaq ventures across what looks like the map from Super Mario World for the SNES and there he beats up voodoo women, cat women, and stereotype Universal style monsters.* 2 stars

Hippies: Disgusting Hippies *Young punks think Simon Pegg's hippie newsletter editor character is a cunt.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Killer Party *"Did you just turn my parents into teenage party animals!?!"* 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: Reseda Rose *First off, it's crummy being an 80s kid with a flakey parent who won't spend her weekend with a kid at the zoo, 'cause she's too busy with her acting in commercials career. Then The Greatest American Hero breaks Superman's privacy rule by using his x-ray vision powers to peak through walls at a cocktail waitress hogtied by Russian undercover spies.* close to 3 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 6 *More b list celebrities flirting with Las Vegas "rawker" looking skanks and trying way too hard to be edgy talent/comedy routines.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: The Dental Convention *Oral hypnotism. Bob's "matter of fact" attitude charms the masses and puts off his smarmy, new age dental clinic dental school classmate at a dental convention in Frankfurt, Germany.* close to 3 stars

Flinch (Vertigo - DC Comics) ------

*Mostly White: Women lose their small child during the insipid panic surrounding a big department store's Christmas rush. Reminds one of a more bleak Storm of the Century by Stephen King.* close to 3 stars

*The Harvester: Surgery of harvesting a deadbeat's organs goes through, even with the moral dilemma of the supposed braindead deadbeat not being dead.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sitter!: A neurotic slacker gets stuck babysitting his thug friend's wrapped in plastic dead stripper girlfriend's body that he shows up at his apartment with.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------------------------------

--- The Ben Stiller Show: Unaired Sketches

*An absurd and kooky wrestling characters battle royale. Ben dresses up like a deformed Ron Perlman and along with Bob Odenkirk and Andy Dick predicts the sad, pathetic lives of what would become "furries" in a mascot competition.

'Hard Edition,' a Hard Copy tabloid tv show parody keeps catching a horny, teenage Andy Dick whacking off to nudey magazines.

Three's Company era Don Knotts portrayed by Andy Dick joins a spandex wearing and lasso swinging Ben Stiller infomercial workout expert and his dominatrix.

Bob Odenkirk is a creepy, conspiracy theorist sitting on a bench in a park rambling about cancer, Dick Clark, Elvis, adult diaper cartels, tainted peanut butter assassinations.*

(I can see why some of these didn't make the cut, but still funny.)

3 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crossballs, the debate show: Sex Battle USA *A flamboyant pansexual Matt Besser character gets bitchy with a conservative reverend who believes the sexes should act their sex. A feminist has to explain the 1964 Civil Rights act allowed for women's rights not to be sexually exploited in the workplace. Ha. A business consultant thinks that the WNBA should dress their ladies like the Lingerie Football League so that they'll stop be unsuccessful in the ratings and attendance. A crazy inventor presents a robot vagina for the workplace.* close to 3 stars

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs (SNES) *So we've got an evil sorceress Latoya Jackson look-a-like, a turkey behind a computer terminal, and a jacked up toad zipping its way through hordes of pig-beasts wearing amateur wrestling singlets and viking helmets, raccoons with magnets, moles on checker board pieces all through fast flying obstacles and platform puzzle levels, like one where the toad has to hang on for a ride on the back of two tropical snakes through the holes of their tunnel nest. A rare gem alongside Donkey Kong Country and Rayman.* close to 3 stars

Death Rattle #18 (Kitchen Sink Comix) -------

*Bulto the Cow Camp, Thirty Years Later....: Historical and allegorical tales of ancient deposits of precious minerals sought by 19th century men of manifest destiny with gold and silver twinkling in their beady eyes.* 3 stars

*The Old Wisconsin That I Knew: Musings of an early 20th century bigot thinking back on when he and the white man could exploit and show unpunished cruelty to the red man out in the frontier of Wisconsin. Thanks to nature's natural ways, a cruel fate meets the old bastard in the most bleak and darkly poetic way possible, spilling his guts before his eyes and leaving his bones to be drenched by pounding rains and dried by the menacing sun.* 3 stars

*Small Acts of Revenge: A loner, whose overbearing parents still haunt him from the grave, tries to escape reality into the grotesque world of Tales from the Crypt style comics. That is when he's not being haunted by the gruesome visages of the victims of his wrongfully applied revenge.* close to 3 stars

*When I Grow Up: Kids playing make believe, on a suburban lawn, see a shooting star. A somber girl makes a wish, and strangely they begin aging and acting out the drama of their teenage through adulthood to middle age and death life sorrows.* close to 3 stars

----------------------------------

The Angry Video Game Nerd: Atari Porn *In the early days of videogames, designers were happy just to be able to pixelate penises, humping, and ejaculating. It was that immature. Take history's tragic a-hole, General Custer, and have him dodging arrows so that he can poke a naked Indian chick tied to a cactus. Have a guy jerking off on top of a building with willing naked bimbos below to catch his falling semen. How bout a topless witch squirting milk to men with their goobers poking out of their pants? Or even a juvenile fantasy of a poorly pixelated naked chick stalking a neighborhood and breaking into houses to hump men in their sleep?* 1 star for the shitty games 3 stars for Nerd enduring the absurdity of it all

Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City (Electronic Arts for Super Nintendo) *When Michael Jordan was the most exciting athlete in the world, he was careful about how he had his image used. He'd play Larry Bird in a ridiculous game of h-o-r-s-e for a Big Mac or Pepsi, and he'd sell overpriced sneakers in an arthouse commercial co-starring and directed by Spike Lee, but you couldn't live out your dreams of being like Mike in basketball videogames like the awesome arcade dunkfest NBA JAM. No. At the time, you could play this game and bounce a basketball around a haunted, flooded, bat infested house / dungeon to platform hop and rescue Michael Jordan's NBA All Star team-mates.* 1 1/2 stars

Look Around You: Music *Don't play the forbidden notes.* 2 1/2 stars

Obscurus Lupa Presents: Pocket Ninja *If you were an 80s or early 90s kid, you were a martial arts spazz. You watched Ninja Turtles, you watched 3 Ninjas (barf), Surf Ninjas (laughs). and you were a threat to kick another kid or adult in the nuts while stupidly attempting karate. This one, Pocket Ninja, is a relic of its time. It's a cheap and direct to video IMDB bottom 100 "movie" featuring poor editing, awful slapstick in place of entertaining chop sockey, bad acting 90s brats, and a lot of taking itself not serious at all while thinking it's funny when it's not.* 2 1/2 stars for Obscurus Lupa's review and 1 star for the movie clips

=== Dead Rising *2006* (All story cutscenes in movie form)

*I'm not here to discuss the sandbox gameplay.

The cutscenes play like any other zombie outbreak flick, and nicely, with the usual mad science government conspiracy gone wrong.

This time with a theme of Americans' insatiable lust for red blooded meat and the abuse of the third world to get it.

Like with their Resident Evil series, Capcom nails the ambiance of a survival horror story with the crawling up on your shoulder sounds and music cues, and the mall setting is a nice homage to Dawn of the Dead.

Expect over the top acting performances from the CGI created stars and voice actors.

But unfortunately like more recent Capcom survival horror games it strays off the path with too big of a narrative scope and not knowing when to stop and what genre to stay in

(zombie wasps, Oriental stereotype psychopath butchers and grocery store managers gone mad, and an ending involving a military jeep battle with a tank commanded by the type of military a-hole like in Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket).

Other than that it fits in nicely with the zombie revival craze of the 2000s.*

2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Xenophage, Alien Bloodsport (Story Mode) *A "faces of meth" David Duchovny look-a-like, in a Canadian tuxedo, along with a Gillian Anderson look-a-like, both get abducted by the United Federation of Planets & Hokey Outer Space Martial Arts Tournaments. Nick (Duchovny) is midly disturbed by this. Think Mortal Kombat meets Celebrity Deathmatch levels of uncanny valley faces on the two humans. Of course, these two everyday Joe and Jane pair can hurl energy blasts from the palms of their hands, as requirement by all fighting games. The lizard / insect alien creature designs are at least visually interesting and deserve to belong in a better mid-90s sci fi PC game.* 1 star

River City Ransom (NES) *This game lives up to its name. You pretty much walk along the streets, by a river, in a nice Japanese (posing for American, I guess?) city, getting hit in the back of the head by "student" thugs, with street gang weapons, as you try to rescue your girlfriend from a high ranking crime lord named Slick. Sounds like the plot for many other 80s beat 'em ups / karate movies, and it is. Charming little title with the bite sized NES and cute little Japanese flare, including a bad side of town called "Generic Guy Territory" or something along those lines. And don't worry about the enemies, because our hero has a superfast kick attack that would make Street Fighter's Chun Li's loins quiver.* 2 1/2 stars

"No Exit" (Amiga) *A 2D fighter that looks like it pre-dates both Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. More like Mortal Kombat, though, and a possible influence (?) on the series. It contains small character sprites but they can perform special moves like turning into killer fish and screaming banshee faces. There's even a hilarious finishing move sequence where the loser walks around headless, with the head floating just there, before they collapse into a pool of blood and electric sparks. The backgrounds are dark and gothic with demonic statues and menacing trees with faces, again like Mortal Kombat. Also there's an intro screen / possible box art with a regular Joe street fighting man set against a dark and gritty cityscape with the 'Satanic-goat-horned' image of what must be the main villain against the background, and that's just pure exploitation goodness for ya.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything Is Terrible: 2 Minute Super Soul Brother *"Doing it" in the name of science (?), money (?), bulletproof skin, mad science midgets, and big tittied blonde women.* 3 stars

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of Stupidity *Kombat krazy white chick special operative in gymnastics attire, untrustorthy ninjas of all kinds of variety, bumbling super computer wizard Native American stereotypes, and a black dude with bionic arms who calls a Thunder God the unflattering insult name of "girlfriend."* 3 stars

Eternal Champions (Sega Genesis) *A 1920s gangster, who knows kung fu, is teleported to a mystical martial arts tournament after his death. Fight against trident wielding mer-men, prehistoric brutes, neo ninja chicks, and cyborg dudes in a colorful Street Fighter 2 clone.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media presents Best of the Worst ---------

*Ghetto Blaster: An urban warfare expert returns to his home city and finds it full of crime. After the convenience store robbery death of his dad and the brutal burning to death of his old black man friend (and his alley cat), the guy decides to take action. Pulling off mildly harmful clown pranks on the goofy acting gang bullies around town.* either 1 star or 2 stars

*Terror In Beverly Hills: "Terrorists have kidnapped the President's daughter and are holding her hostage in the old bean factory." (PfffHAA!) Cue keyboard cat-lady and Frank (totally not Sylvester) Stallone.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Killing American Style: Elephant Man look-a-like Robert Zadar and his gang of escaped convicts and sex perverts pull off a violent / half assed home invasion "thriller" at the home of a Rico Suave look-a-like and Steven Segal martial arts expert.* either zero stars (uncomfortable family murder / rape), 1 star, or 2 stars

Red Letter Media agrees that Terror In Beverly Hills is Best of the Worst

-----------------------------------------------------

Natsume and Milton Bradley present "Abadox" *Imagine Metroid for the NES, only with monsters ripped from the minds of H.R. Giger and Clive Barker.* 3 stars

"Guardians of the Hood" (Atari Arcade) 1992 *Some Jersey Shore rejects battle their way through a poorly digitized bad side of town filled with hookers and gangbangers and flashing perverts. Cheered on by a haggard looking gym owner similar to Mickey from Rocky. And unconvincingly menaced by a lipstick wearing model in "guy drag." In a tacky twist ending (to go along with the tacky rest of the game), the "Big Boss" (the model) takes off her old school gangster disguise and has a final fight with our steroid muscled and orange tan heroes while she wears dominatrix attire.* 1star

Everything Is Terrible: 3 Minute Bulletproof *Gary Busey invents and overuses the catchphrase "butthorn." Whatever that means.* 3 stars

"Kakuto Chojin" (X-BOX) *In the early 2000s, industrial techno noise & nu-metal guitar riffs were a grating chorus to America's bleeding eardrums, and the same "xtremez" who enjoyed this were likely to take Fight Club literally. This game represents the kind of turn of Y2K, gritty, urban fist to face revivals supposedly going on in back alleys and parking garages across cities nationwide. Gritty, but pretty in the same way Ninja Gaiden could be on the X-Box hardware. And featuring a nice presentation effect of having the camera do a 360 degree slow motion pan around each KO. The most memorable thing about the game is the controversy around one character's Muslim extremist dialogue in the game. This lead to it being pretty much dead on arrival in the American videogame climate of the early days after 9/11.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"JoJo's Bizarre Adventure" (Dreamcast) *Over the top manga presentation style with characters drawn in the same way mannequins' faces are both appealing and appalling. Each fighter fights alongside a spirit / avatar being / creature. It's like the Monty Python cartoon, but creepier, cousin to all the other highly animated 2D Japanese fighting games of the 90s. Funniest moment, that I witnessed, being when a steam-roller gets dropped on a pug sized dog character and the opponent begins pounding the steam-roller, with his fists, as the dog whimpers beneath.* 2 1/2 stars

"Dark Edge" Sega 1992 (Arcade) *Set in a sprite art pixelated and nifty cyberpunk dystopia. Battle it out as leather clad ninja chicks on hoverboards, mech dudes with missiles and flying torpedo dive attacks, biological monsters, another guy in a monkey-fighting-style inspired mech suit, and a final boss that's a techno ghoul nightmare like out of Frank Miller's Ronin. Fighters can move around each other giving the illusion of early 3D gameplay, and featuring the upbeat style of 90s Japanese video game music and bad "Engrish" phrases like "Wound One" instead of round one.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Strider" Capcom (Arcade) *"All sons of old gods die!" Pretty dramatic, eh? Well, if Emperor Palpatine made a deal with space pirates, Amazon women, and robotic commies you wouldn't need no Jedi, Wonder Woman, Captain America, or Flash Gordon to save the day. Just take one arcade token and about 15 minutes and let a wall climbing ninja do what the galactic rebels couldn't do in a trilogy of movies.* close to 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible: 3 Minute Netforce *'So dated that it's funny' fearmongering about the dangers of global e-terror during the early days of the internet.* 3 stars

---- Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 (Nintendo 64)

*The world of pro wrestling is a niche part of entertainment culture.

Fans watch it for a variety of reasons:

kids who enjoy the heroic action, adults (who never grew up) for a more nostalgic reason, fandom fans who admire the celebrity surrounding the hunky dudes and buxom babes of the sport (er... sports-entertainment), and the internet wrestling community who dissect the current product and the past eras of the product and consider it an artform with varying degrees of level of quality of product and performance.

Well, you can't get more niche than a Japanese version of pro wrestling and a pro wrestling game that was made in the late 90s.

The popular AKI "No Mercy" wrestling engine featuring a legendary wrestler and anime character "Tiger Mask Number 2" and portrayed by a legendary Japanese wrestler (Misawa) who tragically died while performing his "art."

In this game, it's made weirder by the fact the game features a crowd of cardboard cut out Japanese wrestling fans.

Yeah, pro wrestling is niche, and weird, but it's fun, just like this wrestling game featuring great action and a great game engine that's had a lasting appeal of fun gameplay to play or watch for close to two decades.*

3 stars

============================================================

"Buriki One" (SNK) 1999 *Remember that scene in the movie "Lost In Translation" where Bill Murray couldn't get the tone right for his Japanese whiskey commercial? That's sort of what this game is like and that weird period of time when combat sports mayhem was trying to figure out just how to go about what would eventually become mixed martial arts like the UFC. Different styles of throwdown meet here, on the mat, including everything from karate to pro wrestling to low impact elderly ancient Chinese exercise technique (jk). It's interesting, but it works about as well and is almost as boring as the first time these different styles of sport met when boxing clashed with karate in the infamous Ali versus Inoki fight where one challenger, afraid of the other's fists, chose to lie on the ring floor and kick at the other like a scared rabbit.* either 1/2 a star or close to 2 1/2 stars

"3 Count Bout" (SNK) *Superficial and on the surface is a stigma when it comes to video game graphics. As soon as developers could make 3D and fans could get their hands on it, we entered into a trying time. Blocky and often ugly characters replaced sprite animation because it was the new thing. Dreary attempts at 3D environments were as fun to look at as getting about an inch away from a dirty, grey concrete wall and cracking your skull against it. Things have improved from those early days of 3D graphic experimentation, but at the time, I would have rathered stuck with something like this game. An early 1990s arcade button smasher featuring colorful kabuki ninjas throwing big bad Mad Max movie inspired bruisers around & into electrified deathtraps in a cheesy, and dated, --beat'em up-- 'eye candy' grappler.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

---- "Real Bout Fatal Fury Special" --Level 7 Ultra Hard-- (SNK Arcade)

*Playing as a Jacki Chan inspired Hong Kong super-cop wielding a set of nunchaku through a series of scantly clad karate babes, little old sensei who morphs into huge muscle bound badass, and dance fighting dudes from the Caribbean.

Finally beating the purple haired Euro-dictator-themed final boss, one would think that an arcade battler would be done munching one's quarters.

But think again. During the celebrating credits, the music changes to a wind instrumental samurai movie sounding theme and one is transported through a series of sliding open doors featuring beautiful classic Japanese artwork of feudal warriors.

It stops at a martial arts badass with his back turned towards the camera and standing amidst huge samurai warrior oni statues in a menacingly eerie flame lit dojo.

It's secret final boss, by the name of Geese Howard, who looks like a handsome American corp executive or presidential candidate and is ripped with muscles and decked out in kung fu threads.

The screen reads the bold words "Nightmare," as he precedes to backfist you in the mush and charge up monster truck tire sized energy blasts to pummel and embarass you with and make you feel like a loser, even though you beat the game.

It's cheap, you feel like a klutz, but it's pure unadulterated martial arts tournament cliche movie/game exploitation goodness to the last clud to the floor in agonizing defeat.*

3 stars

=========================================================

"Ninja Master's" (SNK/ADK) 1996 *From an artistic eye viewpoint, feudal Japan was one moody place. In this setting, one might witness a lone swordsman standing in a rainstorm with a flash of lightning to reveal ninja assassins creeping up on him, or a samurai sword clash in front of a desolate and overgrown farm overran by crows, then maybe another bloody encounter on a lone pier watched over by a willow tree above other trees in the newly flooded river with mountains in the distance, an honorable duel to the death might come in a cave filled with bats, and moonlit temples often played host to battles with evil samurai overlords like the dreaded Nobunaga and his sentient, burning blade.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Weaponlord" (Namco for the SNES) *Long before Namco mastered weapon based combat games with the Soul Calibur series, they jumped in on the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat 2D fighter action. What it boils down to is stone aged brutes bashing other stone aged brutes, Viking women, and demonic brutes in the skull with swords, axes, and huge rocks tied to huge clubs with leather. Featuring an artistic style similar to a Frank Frazetta drawing -thanks to comic arist Simon Bisley who is famous for his dark fantasy artwork in Judge Dredd & Lobo. Eyecandy for fans of 1980s heavy metal album covers, sword and sorcery flicks of the same era, and readers of Conan the Barbarian pulps and comics.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

---"Sexy fights and brutal deaths in" **The Black Heart** (indie) *An indie (Mugen, a form of online fighting game mashup creator and sharing service) 2D fighting game with over the top super moves similar to Marvel vs. Capcom. However, darker than Capcom's own horror based fighter Darkstalkers. Inspired by the more bloody Silent Hill, Hellraiser, and the Japanese ghost genre of The Ring. It does feature a few comical characters like a twig man who smokes pot and wears a green suit like another silly horror villain in Warwick Davis's Leprechaun. Also there's a sexy "fan service" spider-lady who looks like something out of a Tim Burton stop motion movie.* 2 1/2 stars

"Abobo's Big Adventure" (New Grounds & I-Mockery) *The alternate history imagined tale of a random baddie from the arcade and NES classic "Double Dragon." The bald, mean faced, and lovingly dumb, newly protagonist murders his way through tons of classic NES game characters. It's a tribute / parody with a very morbidly entertaining sense of humor.* 3 stars

"Martial Masters" 2001 *Playing like a brightly colored cousin to Capcom or SNK fighters, but featuring a setting and cast from China of old. Gorgeously pastoral with scenes of old men sweeping the floors of temples as cranes pose gently near about, a monkey boy and his actual monkey friends dancing around, and children sitting in a meadow playing with and feeding a panda that's rolling to and fro for their amusement, along with the typical market scenes of the genre. For fans, like myself, of Shaw Brothers kung fu movies and modern fare like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.* close to 3 stars

Everything is Terrible: 3 Minute Unborn 2 *Overly dramatic bad horror movie about a killer baby that's such a horrible looking prop that it's even harder to take seriously than it already would be. Ends with mom having had enough and elbowing monster baby in the face, several hard times, before blowing herself and junior (and even more unbelievably the house) up with the old homemade explosive device in the microwave trick.* either 1 star or 3 stars

Dave's Nostalgia Trip: "Big Bang Pro Wrestling" (SNK) Neo Geo Pocket Color --2000-- *For a handheld wrestling game this has a nice presentation. The crowd is lively, the tunes have a headbobbing gentleness that's not so grating, and the action packs a bang (even if the game is bite sized). Any pro wrestling game where you can pull off a top rope moonsault has an instant fun factor.* close to 3 stars

Weird Science: Sex Ed *"You don't understand the meaning of the words funky cold medina, shoop a doop, zoom uh zoom zoom in the boom boom."* 2 1/2 stars

Manimal: High Stakes *Wild horses couldn't chase as much tail as Manimal.* either 1 star or close to 3 stars

Ed the Happy Clown: Issue 6 of 9 (Drawn & Quarterly Publications) *A micro-dimension has been discovered when the tiny head of another dimension's Earth's president Ronald Reagan appears as the penis head of a loser named Ed. Tiny pygmie savages, of the city, want to worship it as a penis god. And a tv show/government agency of science wants to investigate this other dimension, but they turn against the whole idea, rather violently, when they discover the only way to again contact this other dimension is to put the other dimension's Ron Reagan into a dimensional gateway that also happens to be the anus of a dead man. It's not the necrophillia that they have a problem with, it's the homosexuality.* 3 stars

"Burn: Cycle" (Phillips Compact Disc Interactive) --1994-- *"Sol Cutter has something on his mind... ...in two hours it's going to explode!" You kind of know what to expect from a dated full motion videogame when you hear something like that as a tag line. This one has all the cliches of the cyberpunk 90s genre: cityscape right out of BladeRunner only with poor 90s cgi, flying cars, high tech espionage plot, sinister new-age cult, cyber addiction, hipster nite club with neo-jazz music, and a main character who narrates his broken down in the gutter life like a noir tragic figure. It's like Johnny Mneumonic (sp?) with an "Everybody betray me!" Tommy Wiseau level of bad acting, yet dull.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Super Star Wars --SNES-- (Lucas Arts) *Storywise, it's the even more juvenile imagined parts of Episode 4 turned into a run and gun sidescroller. But in reality, it's set in a galaxy far, far away. A very long time ago before the edited special editions and prequels killed most of the magic of the series. And before Disney dug up the holy corpse to cash in on it. It's Luke blasting first and asking questions never, pulling an Annie Starkiller and wasting countless lives of Jawas, Sandpeople, and Stormtroopers. He hadn't really got a handle on the whole more peaceful side of the force yet. You can get Chewbacca (for a more whimsical approach) or Han (for a more morally ambiguous path). Still, it feels rather repetitive and very Duke Nuke'em instead of Jedi Knight or loveable space rascals.* 2 stars

"Mace: The Dark Age" (N64) *Some would say this 3D brawler wants badly to be either Killer Instinct or Mortal Kombat. Especially with a voice announcer who demands "Execution!" after the final round. But you can't totally dislike a game that puts a dwarf in a steampunk powered war-mech built out of ale barrels and carrying a Thor hammer and spiked mace as weapons.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 7 *It all feels a little too rehearsed. Everyone of the contestants has an edgy or alt-2000s carnival act. Where are the true weirdos and not these phonies?* 2 stars

Spicy City: Tears of a Clone *One in a million girl with a one in a million genetic code. But not anymore, and hardly worth the trouble. Still, you kind of feel for her.* 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Self Contained *Owed a soul and a crossing over.* close to 3 stars

Farscape: Family Ties *A cross between the lunar landing and Return of the Jedi, only more bleak.* 3 stars

Attack On Titan: Episode 1 *Taking the tired concept of refuge from a horde of cannibalistic humanoids (zombies) and turning it on its head. This time instead of thousands of zombies clawing outside a wall or a building, it's giant, mindless humanoid cannibals clawing outside a giant wall. The people inside are shaken from their sense of comfort when one is big enough to bring even the huge walls down for the first time in a 100 years or something. Made even more entertaining by the grandiose over the top anime style acting and voice performances. Also, this show reminds me of SouthPark, for some reason (maybe the kids?), and that's definitely a good thing.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible: 3 Minute Death Drug *Angel Dust makes Miami Vice's Phil Michael Thomas go crazy and destroy a supermarket.* either 1 star or 3 stars

"Nasty Hero" circa 1980s or officially 1987 via 'The Private Movie Company Inc.' (ooh fancy) *A real Neandertal is released from the slammer after being framed for a crime he didn't commit. Now he's out for ridiculous action movie revenge. He always wears a dirty wife beater or mechanic's shirt (hence the name Nasty Hero, I guess). He'll have to take down the blackmarket sports car ring of obnoxious yuppies out to make his life a living hell. The main douchebag is even after his old flame Yolanda (*snickers*). Set in the "So 80s it hurts!" time period in the thousand flushes blue toilet bowl of America that is known as Florida. And featuring a ton of bad movie cliches and homo-erotic moments. Still, the cheese and action goes down easy.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Heart She Holler: Fear Is Dog Spelled Bassackwards *Perversion of the conversion. Regular folk, n-word, chicken dinner.* 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: The Soul is the Warrior *A rose grows beyond the wall.* 3 stars

--- "Daraku Tenshi, The Fallen Angels" (Psikyo) 1998

*Usually fighting games don't have a uniting theme when it comes to stages.

If they can animate it, then they'll fight anywhere from the jungle to outerspace.

Even if it doesn't make any sense.

Here is not the case. The setting being a decade after a major cataclysm leaves a west coast city, with an obvious Asian influence, in the climate of a cesspool and never recovering from the disaster.

It makes sense then that a dirty karate master, who is followed around by flies, would fight in a dingy back alley near the trash dumpsters in which he'd fight cats for his supper.

Or a somber, rainy graveyard which would be filled with victims of the earthquake.

The criminal element, like crazed kung fu dudes in leather jackets and hired gunmen, would go for the little bit of human blood left in encounters in dingy bars that are in disrepair and haven't seen a patron in years.

Fat, mutated freaks would fly into fight in tire filled junkyards with the rubble of the never cleaned away destroyed city as the backdrop skyline.

It really has a beautiful art style.*

3 stars

====================================================

"Mortal Kombat versus DC Universe" (Warner Bros.) --2008-- *Most modern videogames play like movies, but they often find a hard time defining whatever generic protagonist is the lead. The lead usually designed by committee to fit the bland tastes of a mass audience. Fighting games and superhero comics don't have the problem of generic characters. They're usually bold. This game plays like a movie and has an ensemble of really bold characters. But these two "universes" don't mesh together out of a "Gee, what if?" concept put down on paper. I applaud the cinematic effort, which the MK team would improve on somewhat in the sequel/reboot (Mortal Kombat 2011). Still here, it's awkward and filled with unintentionally funny moments and dialogue (a lot of it laughed at by The Joker who almost seems in on how ridiculous it all is). either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---- "Samurai Showdown" II thru V-Special (SNK)

*In my early teens, during the 90s, I was an Mortal Kombat fan.

I wish I would have had better taste. The gore and juvenile humor and dark fantasy appealed to my angst ridden desires.

At my local arcade, no one crowded around the Street Fighter machine. Even the Marvel versus Capcom series didn't appeal to me, though a few years earlier, I was a big fan of the X-Men cartoon.

Nope, me and the neighborhood kids craved blood, guts, farts, glimpses of titties, gangster rap, Beavis & Butthead, Summer blockbuster movies, alt-rawk.

In my early 20s, I started appreciating Samurai movies on cable, and in my later 20s, I began reading Lone Wolf & Cub samurai manga.

During the 16 bit 2-D fighting game craze, I wish I had been sopisticated enough to have taken notice to this highly artistic, and yet still bloody and fun, take on Samurai and a fighting game.

It does a lot of what made Mortal Kombat appealing to my teen tastes, but with a master stroke that has the lasting effect of standing the test of time as true art and not mindless "junkfood" fun that really has more of a nostalgia appreciation value (like Mortal Kombat).

3 stars

=================================================================

--- Jason Vorhees special guest character in "Mortal Kombat X" --2015--

*My generation had a lot of movie boogeyman.

They were so much in our young, collective conscious that they were almost urban legends seemingly lurking in the woods at the end of the street.

Kids, today, could care less. When, the internet "nerd culture" began reporting on this horror icon coming to a fighting videogame, the comments sections below the articles read something like this, "Laaame, LOL, who'z this f@g, no one wants thhis hockey face lozer INOURGAME!!!!"

To that I say, this guy invented "fatalities," kid.

He was figuring out ways to dismember long before there was even a Mortal Kombat or the outrage of a fatality in a videogame.

More than that, you were probably not even alive or were in diapers when Mortal Kombat was originally popular.

Jason even had a videogame that was terrible, but still gave my generation, including me, nightmares.

I remember, to get nostalgic again, the first time I saw it. It was at my weird next door neighbors.

The dad had an artificial leg and beat his kids and made them go to bed before dark.

But for some reason he was nice to any kid not his. Even weirder he had an NES that seemed to be more his than his kids.

He showed me, and another neighbor kid (not his), the Friday the 13th NES game, and seeing a hockey mask wearing purple-boogeyman stalk victims in 8-bit had me eyeing the door to escape not just the creepy one-legged neighbor but this pixelated killer.

Cheers to Jason's return to videogames and to the collective conscious of dumb, videogame playing youth everywhere.

Even if they don't appreciate it.*

2 1/2 stars

=================================================================

"Tattoo Assassins" (Data East) 1995 *This "game" strived for infamy, and fell into obscurity, never being released. Out of shame, I'm sure. Surprisingly, Back to the Future screenwriter Bob Gale came up with some ideas for it. It almost shows in a tongue in cheek way. It all seems like a big joke parodying the 90's over the top media in the same way almost that Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers did. Except this is more Looney Tunes than anything with racial stereotypes and absurdity out the wazoo. With characters based off the likes of tabloid trash like Tonya Harding and boasting to have thousands of supermoves like turning an opponent into a famous painting, farting random objects from one's anus, and comic nudity. There's also some nonsense about magical tattoos that thought tattoos wouldn't be tacky enough so they're the cause of the supermoves and are animated like they were created using Microsoft paint by a special needs person. Also, the game's mascot is a sad-faced eastern looking religious figure in an adult diaper.* 1 star (so bad it's almost good)

=== Wrestling Society X (MTV)

*For a brief moment, in the 90s, pro-wrestling was "edgy."

As absurd as that sounds. "The Rock" & "Stone Cold" were household names, much to the disappontment of concerned parents groups and tabloid hysteria news.

Pro-wrestling's punk rock moment all seems ridiculous now in retrospect.

The WWE went back to a family friendly product in order to sell t-shirts and toys.

So, who was to satisfy the wrestling dreams of backyard idiots who were jumping off of grandma's house onto a pillow filled with rocks?

MTV stepped in with its timeless formula of stupidity for the youth.

They aired, again briefly, an "underground" wrestling tv show filled with constant explosions, constant loud music, and constant shouting....

Goth kids, pregnant teens, musclehead niteclub douches, rednecks amped up on Mountain Dew, and wiggers across America, in the mid-2000s, rejoiced...

well, maybe not rejoiced.

More like they barely took notice with all their attention disorders, or skateboard trick injury videos taking place, and myspace photo sessions in the bathroom mirror.*

zero stars

============================================================

"Bad Street Brawler" -NES- (Mattel Inc. & Beam Software) --1989-- *"Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you!" Trouble, I guess, means a metrosexual "badass" with a yellow flat-top hairdo, black sunglasses with the yellow city lights reflecting in them, a yellow tanktop, wearing only yellow underwear (no pants), and cute knee high yellow boots. Hello Yellow! Most of his attacks look like danceclub moves and he spends a lot of time fondling enemies and dogs.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

"Dead Man Calling" --Junji Ito-- (Manga) *The ghoulish projection of a death row inmate haunts the family of his victims. Seeking forgiveness. A nightmarish meditation on grief and revenge.* close to 3 stars

Forensic Files: The Blood Trail *A failing farmer, in the quiet English countryside, stages a bizarre seies of crimes, around his property, including blowing up his wife in a homemade carbombing, putting a severed sheep's head and threatening note on his own fence, and poorly attempting to make it look like his "deranged" neighbor visited one evening and tried to kill him with a boxcutter, forcing him to shoot the neighbor in "self defense" with a shotgun.* 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmare: Freddy Something ----------------

*A jobless yuppie, with an extreme fear of the dark, goes nuts working in the sewers for the eccentric old guy from Gremlins.* 2 1/2 stars

*A lowlife owner, of a 1980s videostore, gets "Scrooged" by a self-help Billy Ocean wannabe that the lowlife ripped off in his typical jerk fashion.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------

Forever Knight: Dance by the Light of the Moon *A black-hearted seductress tries to manipulate our reformed from evil detective, much like she does with every other poor male.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

----- Croooow Plays: Way of the Warrior (3DO)

*Video-blogs used to play videogames for a blogger's web audience are called "Let's plays."

Let's get that out of the way.

I personally prefer video reviewers like SpoonyExperiment, AngryVideoGameNerd, ObscurasLupa, and so on.

The reviewers take the time to find something' interesting about the game or movie to actually critique and even write jokes, scenarios, pick out certain clips from what they're reviewing, and put it all into a usually enjoyable package.

"Let's play" bloggers seem to have a level of vanity where they think they can just sit down and roll the camera and do it "on the fly."

It hardly ever works, and is often annoying, frustrating, and dull.

They struggle to play the game and find something interesting to talk about it, other than their ineptitude or frustration, and their random attempts at humor are painfully bad.

One "let's play" celebrity named PewdiePie has hit stardom with his awful brand of yelling unfunny nonsense while playing a game live, unedited garbage and SouthPark took notice satirizing it and him.

It's almost as bad as when during the 90s hack videogame programmers took the cheap digitized graphics craze to its overkill by hiring their handful of what I'm guessing were party friends or the local community theater rejects to be physical "actors" as horribly over the top generic stereotype characters in shitty disc format vidja lames.

Our let's player, Croooow, struggles to "let's play" and also entertain in his "let's play" video.*

zero stars for the game

and 1/2 a star for Croooow

===========================================================

Forensic Files: Charred Remains *A male stripper cremates a former playboy playmate over a cocaine sharing night gone wrong.* 2 stars (zero for the exploitation of the cremated remains)

American Horror Story - Coven: Protect the Coven *Fried green blood fetishes.* 3 stars minus 1 star for the Twilight romance feel good ending

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cksmart-world · 5 years ago

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Smart Bomb

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

by Christopher Smart

Oct. 15, 2019

FAKING IT — A PRESIDENTIAL ORGASM

Donald Trump faked an orgasm and the nation moaned. Kinda has a Hemingwayesque ring to it — but fiction it is not. It's the president of the United States at a rally in Minneapolis pretending to be former FBI agent Peter Strzok having phone sex with his then-FBI agent girlfriend. According to our history department here at Smart Bomb, it is the first time a president of the United States has faked an orgasm publicly. And apparently, the Donald had practiced the faux climax before appearing in front of thousands of Trumpsters in Minnesota. Although it wasn't quite up to Meg Ryan-standards as seen in the iconic 1989 movie, “When Harry Met Sally,” the groaning and panting was enough to drive Trump's minions crazy with hormonal delirium. It all leaves us wondering if the president had recently watched the movie or, perhaps, got some tips from First Lady Melania. (Sorry for the bad visuals — poor girl under all that flab.) Some pundits have opined that the fake orgasm is symbolic of the Trump administration — big talk followed by a nothing climax. Be that as it may, it apparently doesn't shake the confidence of congressional Republicans who hold steady in the belief that the Trump administration is more than a premature ejaculation.

Mormons To The Rescue — Or Not

The old fable about a Mormon riding in on a white horse to save the nation as it hangs by a thread may be coming true. Well, you might think that if you read the headline above New York Times columnist Timothy Egan's latest epistle. It's Mitt Romney to the rescue! Again! He already saved the 2002 Winter Olympics here in Utah. As you will recall, Mitt lost the 2012 presidential election to Barack Obama, but then was anointed to a lifetime seat in the U.S. Senate by Orrin Hatch. During the 2016 presidential campaign, Romney labeled then-candidate Donald Trump as an immoral thug. But a few months later he sought a job from the president-elect over flog-legs at Trump Tower — only to be laughed out of New York City. Payback is a bitch. But like a punching bag, Mitt has bounced back to criticize Trump for pressuring the Ukrainian president into digging up dirt on Democratic candidate Joe Biden in exchange for $400 million in defense funding. The Donald responded by calling Mitt a “stone-cold loser.” Such language. Not to worry — Utah's other senator, Mike Lee, supports the president no matter what — pussy grabbing and all. And yes, Mike Lee is a Mormon, too. And don't forget Brother Chris Stewart, the Utah congressman who regularly follows Trump into Fantasyland. White horses? Not exactly. Is there a fable for dumb asses?

Tightrope In A Shitstorm

Utah Congressman Ben McAdams is not on the fence when it comes impeachment. Those pickets sticking out of his pant-legs are just a fashion statement. Well, lookit, being a Democrat in Utah is not easy. State Republican leaders have gerrymandered Salt Lake County — where actual Democrats live in Utah — so that McAdams has to please Trump lovers and Trump haters all at the same time. It's like walking a tightrope in a shitstorm. But Ben is no ordinary contortionist. Although he appeared on the ballot as a Democrat, Ben ran against Speaker Nancy Pelosi on account of she's the Devil, if you worship at a certain church. When the Mueller report outlined 10 instances where President Donald Trump most likely obstructed justice, Ben said he wanted to keep an open mind. And when it came out that Trump was pushing the Ukrainian president to dig up dirt on political rival Joe Biden in exchange for $400 million in defense funding, Ben said he wanted to keep an open mind. But when the president told congressional Democrats to stick their subpoenas where the sun don't shine, Ben had little choice and signed on with all the enthusiasm of a gay preacher at the Westboro Baptist Church. Then ZAM! KABAM! — his Republican would-be challengers pounced, shrieking that Ben McAdams is part of a commie conspiracy to destroy the greatest president in history. It all got us to wondering, here at Smart Bomb, why in the world Ben wanted the job in the first place.

Five Myths About Mike Pence

-The Vice President sucks up to Donald Trump:

No sirree bob. That pucker on Pence's otherwise stony face is only due to the lemon drops he uses to ward off dry mouth from his anti-depression medication.

-The Vice President never laughs:

Mike Pence is really a circus of laughs behind the scenes. He's big on fart jokes and a real practical joker, too. Once he replaced the presidents orange hair dye with his own silver-blue Just For Men coloring. It was absolutely hysterical — The Donald had a meltdown in his silk polka-dot boxers while Mike looked on from behind the drapes.

-The Vice President always calls his wife, “Mother.”

Mike Pence is often derided for calling Karen Pence, “Mother,” in apparent reference to their five grown children. But outside the spotlight, the vice president refers to his wife as “Chicky-baby,” “Snooky-wookums,” and “You Hot Bitch,” when he slams the bedroom door and turns up the stereo.

-The Vice President is Pius and Sacrosanct.

Not true. The Christian Right may see Mike Pence as their standard-bearer. But when the VEEP secretly visits Vegas he lets loose and is often mistaken for the guy from Mission Impossible who drinks and whores his way through Barcelona. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

-The Vice President is hoping for impeachment so he can be president.

Despite reports based on anonymous sources that Sarah Huckabee Sanders overheard Mike Pence praying to God to “hang the crazy, orange bastard out to dry,” the vice president is dedicated to Donald Trump — completely, totally, 100 percent, all the way. He wouldn't lie about a thing like that. He never lies.

Post Script

Well that's it for another edition of Smart Bomb — the first since our fact-finding mission to Spain. Although some have misrepresented this undertaking as a vacation, it was, in fact, all business. Here are some of findings of the Smart Bomb anthropological team: 59 percent of young women in Madrid own a pair of Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers. It's true. The 1920s roundball phenom from Columbus, Indiana would roll over in his grave if he knew he had become a fashion prince. That's not all — 23 percent of all young Spaniards have at least one piercing (mostly in their noses). And an astonishing 31 percent of young men and women in Andalusia have at least one tattoo. It's as though they were following trends in Salt Lake City. We are the world headquarters, after all.

Other than fashion, however, the people of Spain care little of what's happening in the United States. Although American pop-culture spreads like Ebola, Spaniards couldn't give a ululato about what's happening in Washington D.C. or the MLB playoffs. And they don't seem to understand our national past-time of mass shootings. The staff here at Smart Bomb could not succeed in explaining to them why it's so important that everyone carry a gun for safety. In Spain, you can be free without a gun. How weird is that?

Wilson and The Smart Bomb Band, or course, had a great time in Spain. Wine and tapas was just a starting point and they loved the Spanish tradition of going strong until 1 a.m. every night. All right, Wilson, the band should be over its jet-lag and despite all the ambien must know they're back home, so crank up those hombres and take us out with a little something for our homecoming: This land is your land / This land is my land / From California / To the New York island / From the redwood forests / To the gulfstream waters / This land was made for you and me...

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unfortunatelysirius · 7 years ago

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Rant Time! w/ Katie

I’ll most likely be spending my entire night writing on requests and other stupid shit that I’d like to work on, but for now I’m about to give y'all another rant that’s completely unnecessary but something that helps even out the stress I’m currently experiencing.

I’m going to be seventeen in less than two months and I still haven’t went to get my permit. I have a paranoia of driving and it prevents me from having the motivation to read my state’s driving manual and to actually go and take the test. My mom thinks it’s stupid of me to think like that, but there’s like twenty car crashes a day—probably more. And that scares the hell out of me so I just keep putting it off.

In other news, my first day of senior year is August 10th and I am freaking the FUCK OUT. I signed up to take AP Biology, but now I’m starting to feel a tad nervous and regretful because hardly anyone ever passes that class due to the obnoxiously dimwitted teaching style of the teacher. I heard only one person passed the end-of-the-year exam out of ten last year. ONE—when there’s a solid chance of getting a 3-5 on the damn thing!

My schedule is decked out in college classes. I know I probably shouldn’t disclose my schedule, but I’m meant to be taking AP Biology—as aforementioned—College English, two dual credit classes from a local community college, (one’s a history class and the other one is a literature class) Pre-Calculus, Public Speaking, and Anatomy I. That’s for the first semester—I plan on taking College Algebra and a few more dual credit classes in the next semester, including the other classes that will last year-round.

So this means I have that to worry about AND getting into college AND learning to manage finances AND ALL THIS OTHER SHIT THAT ADULTS HAVE TO DO. Can I please just become the air or something, you know, nOT HUMAN? Maybe a dog, so I can depend on others for the rest of my live.

I plan on going to a college with a work-study program. They don’t allow students to live off-campus or have cars, so that’s a win-win for me! My other choice of college is one that’s really pretentious and expensive but is known for having outstanding education. I’m not shooting for Harvard or Yale because I’m an incredibly average person. Sucks to be unremarkable, I know, but meh.

Anyway, to continue on with my rant, I want to talk about rich people. I have nothing against you all that have been blessed with money from birth—I’m merely upset with the fact that I get no recognition for my accomplishments just because I’m not privileged. Guess what, y'all—they got me excited at the end of last semester by announcing a new round of AP classes, but literally all of them were for the freaking juniors. Two of the kids in that class were teacher’s pets, and since my own mother works down at the school with both of their mothers, it didn’t take a genius to deduce what sort of Inside shenanigans were going on.

Get this—they legit called all of us that signed up for AP Language to go back down and change out our schedules. Like, what the fuck?

I had a dream the other day where I moved schools and fell in love with some dude that was also transferring. Best dream of my life, I’ll tell you that.

Anyway… again… It just feels like to me that school only ever tries to please privileged kids with parents that are doctors, teachers (specifically ones born into privileged families or related to the superintendent), attorneys, and accountants. No one wants to advocate for the middle-man, and that leads to all us poor kids being singled out. Whatever, though, right?

Sometimes I just feel like everything I do amounts to nothing. Is it wrong to feel that way? I look at my writing and think I’m worse than Stephanie Meyer. Apologies to Stephanie Meyer fans, but her writing WAS dedicated to those of young age and without a moral compass for controlling temperament found within men.

*clears throat* Ahem. Anyways…

I plan on going into a dual major of political science and history—or English, if worse comes to worse. I really don’t want to become rich because then I’ll be targeted and judged for the same things I loathe right now. However, my ambitions correlate with a need to prove my worth and do something great with my life, so whether or not I become what I hate, it doesn’t matter if I’ve managed to become a model for my relatives and former friends.

The best revenge is to succeed and be humble about it. I might be arrogant about my schoolwork, but that’s only towards friends and relatives when they believe that I don’t deserve to be successful in what I do. Then and there, I become arrogant. Even if I do not necessarily believe my own comments, I still say them to make others lay off me.

Returning to the thought at-hand, my college of choice is very liberal and hipster-esque, which suits my personal interests. Also, it's known for its study-abroad program, free internships, and its education, which are three things that matter dearly for me. I hope to get an internship at either the NAACP or the White House. Maybe even just a visit to see Mount Rushmore.

Teddy Roosevelt is my favorite president, and I know more things about him than I do my own father. Thank you, Borglum, for having Teddy recognized as one of the greatest presidents to have ever lived!

Seriously, though. He even left the legacy of having the highest percentage of voters when he ran as a third-party candidate just to spite Taft. Like, wow.

… I’m getting off track here.

Having anxiety fucking sucks. See, last year I had to a lot of these “roundtable discussions” in my AP U.S. History class, and I managed to make it through on all of them except for a few towards the end of the second semester. I even had one on my fucking birthday, which sucked majorly. They were a lot more difficult to manage than debates. I could handle debates; they didn’t involve having to force myself to speak up or face the consequences of a zero.

I loved APUSH—I really did—but now I feel like I’m an excuse for a history lover because I got a 4 on the APUSH exam. Not a 5—a 4. I have failed you, Teddy. (RIP, Bull Moose. Not even a bullet could have stopped you, but a failed test grade sure as hell stopped me lol.)

Anyways, if you haven’t noticed, I’m American. I’m also white—and according to this random ancestry website I found, I originate from Sweden and Italy. I guess that’s cool… but I don’t trust the internet so uh…

Back to stress! …That’s a good way to refer to going back to school. Just replace “hellhole” with “stress.” Basic synonyms, everyone!

I have bad friends. All of them are assholes and think I’m a bitch because I’m “skin and bones” and like to “flaunt it” just because I wear decently nice clothes. I know they’d be offended if I told them it’s because I feel uncomfortable not wearing something that makes me feel happy with myself. It’s not me thinking I look good—it’s a confidence-boost. Am I meant to be looking for a damned boyfriend just by wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a blouse? Is that how life works?

I remember in eighth grade I had this friend who told me I looked like a prep, and then she made me feel so bad about “trying to fit in” that I started wearing jeans and hoodies to school. It hurts to think about how much impact people’s words have over you—and half of time, it’s never a positive influence. For me, it’s never been positive.

Well, I’m sorry for burdening you all with this rant. I know it’s rather… long, but I just needed to get it off my chest. Keeps hurting when I see everyone else finishing up projects while I’m still sketching out the blueprints. I’ll get back to posting things tonight and tomorrow. I’m sorry I didn’t post anything today. It’s rather pitiful of me to put off things when I know you all are the only reason I can even stay motivated anymore.

Have a nice night, (or morning, depending on where you are) my darlings. 💕

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imsarabum · 8 years ago

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Responses to {Part 25} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^

(I have also included asks that I received in the hours before IWSY was posted ^^)

@ofwolvesandbutterflies said: Oh mai gawd it's tuesday! you know what that means... IWSY part 25 is coming tonight!

IT’S VAMPDAY! Hehe :3 I’m excited!!

@life-guru said: It's Tuesday!!!!!! I am so ready😙

Yay! I hope you’ll enjoy it love :D

@openup-yourmind said: Hi, i just wanted to let you know that i can't wait for the next chapter! ♡ You're a breat writer and i send big love from Montreal/Canada 😘❤🍁 *big hug* :)!

Thank you so much honeypot! I really hope you’ll like it :D Yay hugs from Canada! Have some hugs from the U.K too *hugs* hehe ^^

@bangtangurlarmy said: Girl, I live for your writings. ABANSJWJAIWKAKKWNWIMWALMAJW I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER AND I HAVE FINALS ON SATURDAY BUT IT'S MY LAST EXAM SO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. I love you❤❤ And Justin Seagull❤ and Jack, Christian Chim Chim....Yoonki Min as well... Oh wait, I love Monie and Jin and J-dope too😌

I BURST OUT LAUGHING AT J-DOPE LMAO OH YM GOD xD Ahhh your nicknames for them all are so cute, when will I ever~ And hey, you’re one to talk! I’ve been sneaking through your Taehyung scenarios like *wiggles eyebrows* and I love your writing so much! And of course, I love you a lot too ❤ I hope your finals won’t be too stressful for you my dear, you’ll do well I know you will!

@mocking-butts said: I like can't focus properly because I'm waiting for the new update~ I need to know what happens mumsy oh god I'm dying here ㅠㅠ

I hope you’ll enjoy it honeypie! :3

Anonymous said: OMG ONE FUCKING MINUTE

LET’S GOOOOO!

Anonymous said: AHHHHH SHES PREGNANT DJAJVDJSJSBSKSKNXNSNZJ

GASP!

Anonymous said: That was heavy man...

Good heavy I hope~

Anonymous said: ACKKK THAT WAS SO GOOD! CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK!! LOVE YA❤ -Anon+friend⚇

Thank you so much anon and friend! I love you too :3

@mocking-butts said: WAIT WHAT OH MY- IM MAMING THE MOST UNGODLY NOISES IM LIKE I CANT EVEN MUMSY WHYYYYY PLEASE BE NEXT WEEK FATSER~ ksjsndndkdkdkek I forgot how to speak I'm going to go cry now and drown in my tears 😭

Please don’t cry please smile for me :( I hope you enjoyed it though! :c Thank you for reading my love!

Anonymous said: Shit just went down I love when your fanfics get angsty OMG thank u Sara --wifey anon

I’m glad you enjoy the angst wifey anon c: Plenty more where that came from! ^^ Thank you so much for reading it :D

Anonymous said: I was having a poop week, and this made my day. BUT THAT CLIFFHANGER!! AND I'M PREGGERS *screams* PS I forgive you and love you too :) *more screams* -Vampnip anon

I’m sorry you had such a poop week *hugs* I hope your week gets better! AND YES OMG YOUR PREGGERS CONGRATS BABE! lolol c: Thank you for forgiving me Vampnip anon c: And thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: *says in ratchet voice* OMG NO! You did not just do that to me bitch! Like how the fuck am I supposed to be able to live for another week to read the rest of this story! Like, hell to the no... just saying you better come to my funeral Luv u bitch xxx

I DID JUST DO THAT TO YOU~ muhaha ^^ I’ll be there dressed in my best I’M KIDDING NO PLEASE DON’T DIE ID BE REALLY SAD FOR REAL :( I love you too lol and thank you for reading the update :3

@mini-mini-jiminie33 said: In response to the cliffhanger on chapter 25 of I Won't Stop You--yOU ARE THE GOD OF CLIFFHANGERS AND IDK WHETHER TO LOVE YOU OR HATE YOU FOR THAT OMG IM SCREAMING AAH

I WOULD PREFER IT IF YOU LOVED ME BUT IF YOU WANT TO HATE ME THEN THAT’S OKAY TOO I’LL SPEND THE REST OF MY ADULT LIFE TRYING TO EARN BACK YOUR LOVE *cries*

Anonymous said: I SWEAR!! I FLIPPING SWEAR!! DO YOU ENJOY THE THINGS YOU DO TO ME?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!?

I do rather enjoy the things I do to you ^^ Does that make me evil like Yoongi? Probably c: thank you for reading my love :3

Anonymous said: OMG THE OC Is PREGNANT FUCK YES! Hmm pregnant from all that fucking 😉😏😏I HOPE THE BABY IS OK

*jay parks aquaman plays in the background* ‘lemme call you mama cos we abouta make a baby’ OML YES ALL THE FUCKING~ haha thank you very much for reading the new chapter doll :D

@jynxy24 said: YOU. MAKE. ME. WANNA. SCREAM. AND CRY. OMG. SAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAAAA! HOW COULD YOU?! I TRUSTED YOU TO PROTECT MY HEART BUT MY HEARTEU! MY HEARTEU IS, ARRRHHHH!! Okay, rant is over. How've you been, Sara!! I hope you have been well, is the weather there great? Stay healthy!! >.< CHAPTER WAS AWESOME BTW AAAAHHHHH!! I'M SO FRICKIN CURIOUS OF WHAT YOONGI IS GONNA DO!! I hope Namjoon turns good at the end(I can frickin sense it) :3 I have to go, stay awesome, Sara! Love you!

I promise you that your heart will be okay and that everything will work out in the end!! I’ve been okay, super stressed and busy and hardly any time to do anything other than study and work but I am trying to hard to stay on top of things ^^ The weather is FREEZING but I wrap up warm. How are you doing?! And thank you so much for reading the new update and I love you too honeypie!! :3

@deangetoutofmyspleen said: SARA IM UGLY CRYING I FUCKIN KNEW ITTTTTTTTTTTT OHMYGOSHIMINSHOCK MY HEART IS EXPLODINGNGGGGHHHH

shh...it’s okay...it’s all gonna be okay c: ehehe~

Anonymous said: jimin hates white ppl xoxo

xoxo Gossip Girl xoxo

@doubletroublesince1994 said: This is literally making me die and anticipation omgg I loved every bit of this chapter but man waiting for another week for the next chapter is gonna be hard for me 😂😂😂 Thank you so much for writing this, this is truly a blessing I love youuu ❤

Ahhh thank you so much for reading it and I love you too! I know it sucks waiting for things to come out :( but I’m glad that you still read every week despite the wait!! I appreciate it so much :3 Thank you darling :D

Anonymous said: I... Don't know what to say... So much just happened in part 25, Yoongi has 'me' in custody, 'i'm' pregnant with Jungkook's baby, and Jungkook has it so bad that he decided to protect both 'me' and the baby. Fucking Yoongi. Literally, the song 'Why' by Taeyeon is playing in the background and that is the one word going through my mind right now. How do you write so well and give me the ultimate feels?! I love you, take care of yourself, and yeah. r.i.p. me. - army anon

It really was a chapter filled with so many emotions and feelings and points of view, I’m glad it could give you ultimate feels! Ahhh Why my Taeyeon is a beautiful song, you’ve put me in the mood to listen to it now! I love you too and I hope you will have an amazing week Army anon ^^ thank you so much for reading it!

@theninjachan said: this is gonna sound weird but yoongi is my bias so instead of being pissed of or angry with his villainous chuckles i was rather......turned on???? HAHAHA. anyway this was a great chapter as usual. and y/n is pregnant? oh boy oh boy oh boy i'm excited for tuesday to come

No no not at all! I rather enjoy that passive-aggressive asshole type behaviour and it is high-key sexy as fuck in so many ways lol (THIS IS WHY ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS HAVE FAILED I MAKE THESE BAD DECISIONS) lol thank you so much for reading again this week love ^^

Anonymous said: I'm dying a little bit by every sentence I read, I know this is a fiction (and a VERY GOOD at that), but it still rips me apart reading this chapter especially when Serrena told Jungkook about the unborn child, and I know JK love her and their unborn child with all his life, he will protect them at all cost even if it means his life been taken away :( --Lotsa love Erica from U.S--

Hello Erica!! Thank you so much for reading IWSY it means a lot to me and I’m so happy you think it’s good! And yeah, it’s both a happy and a sad thought. When I was writing the chapter, I was actually listening to Flyleaf’s song ‘Circle’ and the lyrics ‘no man shows greater love than when a man lays down his life for his beloved’ was echoing throughout my mind ^^

@mysr3 said: WHAT!*still shock*What! I thought they were being sAfe! Sara u 've serious explanations to do! I luv how u had JK shift on so many emotions in such short span. the moment of JK n his mom is touching. N u w/ ur evil genius plot Twist! U n this ch r the reason my emotions r over the place rn! Just "Ding-dong” at the end had my imagination run wild of what will happen next. Y Yoongi sounds so hot! Ahh the torture week of waiting for IWSY now begin 😭glare, pouty 😤lol LuV u! ❤️ Thank you!

Don’t glare or be pouty at me!! :c hehe but heY WAIT I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T LOOKING FORWARD TO THE UPDATE HM?? ;) lolol I’m glad I could put your emotions all over the place, this makes me very very happy ^^ But thank you once again for reading this weeks chapter and I love you too despite the amount of apparent pain I’ve caused you :3

Anonymous said: It's 11:35 pm my time and I can't control my emotions. Like fuck man. Y/N is preg-a-nant and like I'm happy af. But why Yoongi gotta fuck everything up. Like couldn't their happiness have lasted a little longer. But it's okay cause y/n a bad bitch you can't kill her. Then JUNGKOOK gonna fight Yoongi and save his girl cause he a real man-vampire. This story so good that I'll wait another week but these dramatic cliffhangers gotta stop mom (Name the baby after me plz) Love you 💜 ~LilKookieAnon

She is definitely a bad bitch, Yoongi don’t know who he’s fucking with! :3 AND NO NEVER THE CLIFFHANGERS ARE HERE TO STAY I’M SORRY JUST EMBRACE THEM AND ACCEPT THEM AS A PART OF YOU OKAY?! hehe~ thank you my love for reading and I hope you’re having a great week LilKookieAnon ^^

@jeonjungrude said: OMGG THE CLIFFHANGER AND THE FACT THAT SHE IS PREGNANT!! OMGGG WHY U DOING THIS TO MY POOR POOR HEART !! 😭😭😩😩 now i have to wait till next week omg may god save me !! 🖤

Because...I enjoy your pain *evil laugh* I guess this makes me similar to Yoongi lol we are sadists with our intentions :3 But I think mine are far less sinister, well...I hope :3 thank you so much for reading my love and I hope you enjoyed it ^^

Anonymous said: Didn't they have unprotected sex after the ball? How come she become pregnant?

Do you know how sex works my love? :3 You can still get pregnant when you use a condom because nothing (except abstinence) is 100% safe!! And also - if you read the parts when they have sex, there are instances when Jungkook is having sex with the reader when he isn’t wearing a condom. For instance, the morning after the first time they have sex. The reader is on top and he hasn’t got a condom on. Yes - he doesn’t “finish” inside her, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t get pregnant ^^

Anonymous said: Me: OH ITS TUESDAY! *reading IWSY* Fic: Ding-dong” the bell chimed. To be continued..." Me: -_________- well shit NOOO WHY?! EVEN JUST ONE MORE DETAILED SENTENCE THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. *depressed* *needs to wait for another week ㅠㅠ* Hehehe...i honestly love ur works! Specially IWSY! It's really unique for my opinion and it's im telling u IT'S WELL WRITTEN. It's soooo gooood. I've never been this excited just for tuesdays, ever in my life😂. It's really of the best and one of my favourites! 💕

Thank you so much for thinking that it’s unique and well written, that makes me so happy ^^ Thank you very much my love!! :3

@coppertopging said: I KNEW IT!!!!!! I KNEW SHE WAS PREGNANT!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHY IS TUESDAY 7 DAYS AWAY AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!

DUN DUN DUN! c: You guessed correctly! I’m sorry for the long waits :( I wish I could write more than one chapter a week :( thank you my love for reading :D

Anonymous said: OH MY GOD PLEEEASE let this have a happy ending!!! My heart my poor heart😭😭😭

I hope it will have a happy ending for you my love!

@ananyak26 said: Omg author nim! Part 25 was cruelxD. It was amaaazingly written, and I loved it a lot. Great job!

I apologise for it being so cruel :c but thank you so much for reading dear!!

@life-guru said: Ahhhhhh she's pregnant!! I hope everything works out and that namjoon gets saved somehow! Thank you for blessing us with such a great story!!❤️😘

I hope so too c: thank you so much for reading my stories!

Anonymous said: FRICK. That is all I have to say about IWSY chapter 25. Thank you and goodnight. - 종달새 ❤︎

I hope that’s a good thing! c: Thank you very much for reading my love - good night!!

@animeimmortal said: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT LIKE SHES PRGNANT WHAT AND ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER PLEASE LET ME LIVE IM TRYING TO LIVE IN PEACE AND THIS IS OMG the storm is really not helping and Serena? Lord she could have told Y/N about it at least -.- love you 😍❤❤❤

ALL THE FRUSTRATING THINGS GAHHHH! hehe, thank you so much for reading it aand I love you very much too ^^

@noceurash said: Im!!! I'm so hyped over iwsy omg it's happening!!!! I can't wait for the next part, I love you!! This chapter was so good aaah. I hope you have a good day~~

YAY I’M SO GLAD IT GOT YOU HYPED! Thank you so much my love, I hope you have a good day too :D

@toxic-seoul said: I AM FREAKING OUT SARA OH MY GOD dcdjsjicfk I'm so ready for the next chapter I wanna kno what Yoongi is planning. I want Serena 2 come in like a badass mama & save her son & every1 cuz moms r awesome & shit but I also want JK to tear Yoongi apart. But then I also want Yoongi 2 fuq reader up cuz I'm messed up like that lol bUT NO YOONGI NEEDS TO CHECK HIMSELF BIH IM NOT LIKING HIS ATTITUDE. Bitch boi got another thing comin if he thinks he's getting away with that pfft. Amazing as always btw lol

Badass mama here to save the day! I hope she does that c: AND YES WE CANT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT HOW DARE HE, HE’S SO RUDE D: hehe, thank you so much for reading honeypot, you’re awesome an I hope you have a great day ^^

Anonymous said: Oh my god!! All those asks about the reader getting her period!!! And now!!!!! The latest chapter was great and I'm always amazed by your vocabulary :3 Thank you so much for writing I Won't Stop You!

I KNOW LOL IT’S LIKE ‘JESUS CHRIST JUST WAIT FOR THE STORY OH MY GOD’ lol like...please :( haha thank you so much doll, that really means so much to me :D Thank you for reading IWSY and for messaging me too :D

Anonymous said: IM ABOUT TO EXPLODE!! I DIDN'T EXPECT THAAAAAT FHRJKEDJJDKDJFJJ A CHILD?? OMG YAS!!! I WON'T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THIS WEEK GOD DAMN IT

Please don’t explode no D: YES A CHILD! YES YOU CAN SURVIVE THE WEEK I PROMISE YOU CAN :D hehe~ thank you so much for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: Wow for once I'm here relatively early and //HOLY SHIT !! The plot is thick and everything is so emotionally charged right now and I'm dying ... but lowkey looking forward to full squad next week (even if 4/7 of them are baddies)

Thank you very much for reading it! I’m glad you’re finding it emotionally charged c: And yep! The gang is all together hehe :D

Anonymous said: i can't wait for nxt tuesday alrd 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Me either! :3 thank you!

@brilliantbellesoares said: IWSY FEEDBACK: I don't know if I'm crying of joy because I'm happy they're having a child or of sadness because of what could happen to that child

That two edged sword tho ;D hehe! thank you so much :D

@wanda-rog said: You're so nice and such a good writter! Still so evil...how dare you give us another cliffhanger? You probably laugh maniacally when you type "to be continued". I just want her to be back with Jungkook! And now she is pregnant and in danger TT another long week before update 😭

My evilness is a charm, I promise ;D Whenever I finish it and read it out to my mum, she screams in distress, so I already have an idea of what will happen :3 thank you for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: HOOOOOOO BOY SHE FUCKING PREGNANT SJDJDJ oh my god this chapter has my ass up the entire time djdjdjd WHAT THE FUCK im dying to know what yoongis after for y/n what thefcuk

All will be revealed soon! :3 hehe thank you so much for reading ^^

Anonymous said: FUCK ME ON THE ASS WITH A SPOON IM FUCKING DYING I CANT FUCKINT BELIVE JINT HSI FUCKING BITCH OH MY GOD DJSJSJDJS SHES FUCKING PREGNANT DIDNT THEY USE PROTECTION LIKE UNTIL THE LAST SEX PART WHERE JK FUCKED HER RAW IM FUCKING DYING AND SHES GONA DIE INT HECOLD FUCKING YOONGI THAT BITKCH ASS MUTHAFUCKIN I SWEAR TO GOD

LMAO OHMY GOD hahahaha xD Well - if you read the parts when they have sex, there are instances when Jungkook is having sex with the reader when he isn’t wearing a condom. For instance, the morning after the first time they have sex. The reader is on top and he hasn’t got a condom on. Yes - he doesn’t “finish” inside her, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t get pregnant ^^ And also, just because you’re using a condom, doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant! Thank you for reading love :D

@semisweetsuga said: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA -IWSY by Koto

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - by Sara THANK YOU BBY

Anonymous said: The scale for this story isn't 0 to 100 anymore. It's just 100 to 5000 at this point ya know? There's never a point where this story rests at 0

heh, I think that’s a matter of subjectivity my darling. There are points in which I believe this story is calm and tranquil depending on the situation - take the moment in the restaurant for example, or various soft/romantic moments that the reader is subjected to. Of course, it is a Vampire fiction, so the element of thrill would naturally be quite high :D

@xokookiebts said: I swear im choking. If her baby gets hurt, im breaking my phone i stg. I will sue min yoongi. That little shit.

Please don’t break your phone! I hope that everything works out for you in the story c: thank you for reading my love!

#Responses #Asks #imsarabum #I Won't Stop You #IWSY

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