#it sucks because he's basically become a mini version of his father and he has no idea how to break the cycle of abuse

[weebsinstash]

"Boruto sucks because it isn't about Naruto" "Boruto sucks because it's just a lazy sequel" "Boruto sucks because it had Sasuke fighting dinosaurs" no Boruto sucks because literally one of the first things it did as a series was spit in the face of almost EVERYTHING the original story was about

Naruto's ultimate endgoal was to become Hokage because being Hokage meant being respected and accepted by the village who shunned him and treated him as an outcast since birth (despite the fact he was literally the son of the Fourth Hokage and his entire existence technically was a miracle that protected the village). The entire series, the entire series of both the original Naruto and Shippuden constantly revisits the legitimate TRAUMA he formed from just the sheer loneliness and isolation he was subjected to to the point he started dreaming of becoming Hokage because then at least people would look up to and appreciate him and he would feel like he actually belonged and had a community and a purpose. There wasn't even anyone really keeping an eye on this kid to make sure he was even eating properly besides Iruka (the spoiled milk and the fact he lives completely alone basically from birth???)

Then Boruto begins, "hey, so you know that thing Naruto has basically worked his entire life towards that is basically the ultimate culmination of his entire character arc, that whole Hokage thing? Not only does being Hokage make him absolutely miserable by making him so overworked that he's an absent father, but he didn't even get to go to HIS OWN HOKAGE CEREMONY because *checks notes* his young toddler-aged daughter activated her byakugan and hit him in the tummy too hard because her favorite stuffed animal got ripped and Naruto Uzumaki, jonin, jinchuuriki of the Nine-Tailed Fox, and trained Sage, just completely passes out and misses the event commemorating his entire life's work that was finally the embodiment of all of his achievements and finally receiving the respect of the village

and it's just played off for fucking laughs. Like no I'm sorry, I can't root for Boruto or Himawari literally at all when every single time I see them I think "ah, there are Naruto's shitty kids who made him miss his Hokage ceremony and are causing his hairline to recede". Those kids fucking suck and most of the new ninja generation is just random people paired together to create new mini versions of the original cast and this is the anime hill I will die on. "Chakra comes from the moon" yeah and my foot is about to come from inside your ass--

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

rainbowtown replied to your post “Honestly I have headcanons about most of the Weston boys’ home lives,...”

I am extremely interested in hearing about my favorite shit head Maurice Cole.

YOUR FAVORITE SHITHEAD AND MINE. :D

Ahem. Welp. Maurice is one of my favorites to talk about, tbh. We know he’s the youngest in his family, but we don’t know how many siblings he’s got. So, my headcanon is that he’s got twelve older brothers. He’s the youngest of thirteen children, making him the baby, and you can bet everyone refers to him as ‘the baby’ despite the fact that he’s like eighteen years old. Naturally, his mother, Clara, coddles him quite a bit because he’s her youngest child. She loves him and her other sons very much, but she rarely ever says no to Maurice. Honestly, she kind of wants him to stay with her for as long as he can, so, she’s reluctant for him to grow up. That maaaybe explains why, even though he’s smart and cunning, he’s also prone to using those skills in an immature and inappropriate manner. He’s learned that if he pouts, his mother tends to just give in, so he’s become pretty manipulative.

His father, on the other hand... is an abusive bureaucrat who only really cares about his oldest son since he’s the one who’s being trained to take over the family business. He couldn’t care less about Maurice, and honestly, Maurice has known that since he was pretty young. That’s why he seeks approval from people like his brothers and Edgar. His father still expects a lot out of Maurice, though, which is part of the reason that Maurice gets other people to do his work -- he knows that the grades he could get on his own are average and wouldn’t please his father. Mr. Cole rarely involves his sons in physical abuse, but doesn’t hold back in abusing them verbally, and quite a bit in his childhood, Maurice saw his father beating on his mother. It’s messed him up a lot; it’s pretty bad, mainly because Maurice has just been emulating his father’s behavior by acting polite and kind to the people who “matter”, then turning around and bullying those who are weaker than him.

Once Maurice’s father finds out that Maurice has lost his status as Prefect’s Fag, it... is really not going to be a good day in the Cole household, and Maurice is probably going to need makeup to cover more than his average features.

[phdna]

Curious about your thoughts as a long time comic fan: what do you think of the whole White Wolf narrative that marvel seems to be taking with Bucky in the MCU?

I simply love him and his arc as the WS in the comics, and am unsure about making him the white wolf, even though it's very clear that his journey to becoming the Winter Soldier in the movies is quite different from the comics. Idk, what do you think?

Yeah, so. I do have Thoughts about it. I started writing about it and ended up writing you a whole novel, sorry lol

The tl;dr version would be that I don’t know that I vibe with the White Wolf thing. The longer version... is long.

Since I grew up reading about perma-dead Bucky, his Winter Soldier arc in the comics was always going to be a hard sell for me - how can you convince me that undoing decades of canon is Actually A Good Choice and not just a gimmick? Ultimately, what won me over is how careful Brubaker was to pick a theme and follow it across its many facets. We see Bucky as a child struggling with the shame and regret of feeling like he can’t live up to his father’s orders. We see Bucky as a teenager being trained to follow whatever cruel order the army gives him because it’s For The Greater Good, and at the same time, we see how desperate he is for Steve’s approval at all times and how that’s tied up in his head with respect and authority and a lot of unresolved issues with his father. Then comes the Winter Soldier, and Bucky’s entire existence becomes about following orders, even though there are some orders he can’t be made to follow. Then comes the BuckyCap days, in which he more or less feels like he has no choice but to pick up the shield, but he starts exploring his agency in small and big ways. And then he becomes the Winter Soldier again, but - crucially - this time he’s taking the name that represents him at his most powerless and he’s reclaiming it in a wonderful way because only Bucky can be the Winter Soldier - there’s no other hero I can think of who has the gruesome skills and the modus operandi of an antihero combined with the idealistic, almost naive attitude of a Golden Age hero. For me it works because it’s amazing to have Bucky figure out that his identity includes everything he’s ever been while at the same time being something he can choose by himself according to what he wants and needs from life. It really is just a very beautiful way to wrap up this entire theme.

Now, the MCU. For all the changes the MCU has made to Bucky’s character, they’ve done a decent job of keeping this theme more or less alive throughout his appearances imho, which makes me very happy! It’s less well-developed because he’s not given too much screentime, but even fans who have never picked up a comic book got the theme from the subtext in the movies - how Bucky’s story is about agency. TFatWS explored it further. But I just don’t see what the White Wolf adds to this theme? I mean, it sure is a way of having him leave the Winter Soldier mantle behind for a while before he’s ready to take it up again. But he could, y’know... be Bucky. There’s no need to come up a whole new identity to him.

The thing is, imho, that people who aren’t into comics don’t have any reaction to the White Wolf because it’s not a household name, and people who are into comics are like “Why. He has nothing in common with 616!White Wolf.” Nobody is going to hear “Bucky is the White Wolf” and go “Oh my god that is awesome I’m gonna go talk to all my friends about this right now!!!” So the MCU really needed to develop the White Wolf angle like they do whenever they introduce a new mantle to the MCU, but they never do develop it, they just seem to expect the fans to come up with a plot in their heads with almost no clues to work with. To be honest, I’m still not even 100% sure whether White Wolf is a hero name or a civilian nickname! Because titles in Wakandan culture seem to be a big deal and come with a specific duty, but Bucky is implied to have been essentially a civilian under royal care and protection, not someone who was expected to do anything in particular. I had initially guessed that was just a code name to avoid other people finding out his identity, but if it’s a code name, then Marvel sure is clinging on to it more than they’ve ever done with other code names used in the MCU. (”Natalie Rushman” doesn’t follow Natasha all over the MCU!)

Of course, if we had a movie exploring Bucky’s days as the White Wolf, or even if we got a single poignant scene specifically about what being the White Wolf actually means, then sure! That could’ve been interesting and meaningful. But almost all of the White Wolf saga happens offscreen, so imho this detail doesn’t explore anything as much as it adds a random unconnected subplot to the Bucky’s main plot. And I don’t think everything in the MCU has to be Very Important! For instance, I think these random name drops could’ve worked if they were just fanservice, you know? It’s hard because Bucky doesn’t have many mantles, but I don’t know, maybe have him be The Sargeant and people would guess that’s a reference to The Captain or whatever - at least it comes from his corner of the 616 instead of stealing a Black Panther character who has nothing in common with Bucky.

Basically, I find the whole thing to be WAY more confusing than it’s worth being. I’m sure there are fans out there who are making amazing things with this concept, but it’s just not for me. I wish Marvel had 1) developed this mini-arc better, 2) picked another name and made it just a fun easter egg or 3) not given Bucky a Wakandan title at all and just let him spend his time between HYDRA!Winter Soldier and hero!Winter Soldier as Bucky Barnes.

So. Yeah. I have many thoughts and they’re not very positive! I can’t say that it bothers me enough for me to spend much of my time feeling bad about this storyline (the way I do with other storylines I dislike), but whenever I do stop to think about it I just have a hard time understanding where this story even came from and why Marvel keeps bringing it up. I don’t think it’s even a bad idea, it’s just so random that I find it more... weird than awful, I guess. Thinking about it doesn’t make me go “THIS SUCKS, I HATE IT!!!!” just “...okay. sure. why tho.”

...now I’m thinking about it, this whole post could’ve just been “???????????” and that would’ve summed up my feelings just as well.

[wreath-of-laurels]

Todoroki/Iida - Iida becomes a villain

So @doomsdaybeamxd​ prompted me with

Pairing: Todoiida AU: Iida falls in with the villains. Big Angst Time

I’d normally write a mini fic as is proper but my brain has too many ideas for this. So here’s a general idea of how I think it goes as if I actually tried to write a tiny bit, it wouldn’t stay a tiny bit. 

As it is, I’m writing at least some of this in Variations on a Theme. How much I’ll do, I don’t know.

Childhood friends

Shouto and Tenya met shortly after Rei was put in the mental hospital.

This happened because Enji was feeling guilty over Rei and seeing Shouto being lonely so was for once in his life was trying to be a semi-decent father and decided to arrange regular playdates.

No, Enji never considered to let Natsuo or Fuyumi play with Shouto. If he thought about it, he'd have reasons but they'd all suck.

Shouto was lonely and so was Tenya as he got bullied for being ‘weird’ and bit by bit they established a friendship.

There may or may not be mutual puppy crushes involved.

Enji after gaining a +1 in parenting points, loses 10,000 by saying that Tenya is the sort of good, loyal son that he’d be proud of, and accidentally implying that Tenya is there to change Shouto into a version of him.

This makes Shouto hate Tenya, assuming that he was in on it, and he refuses to spend anymore time with him. This upsets Tenya and baffles Enji. Enji doesn’t even consider the possibility that it was his fault.

Years pass.

They meet again at UA

Years past and Tenya is really looking forward to seeing Shouto again. Elementary and middle school were not fun and he got bullied a lot. Surely Shouto has forgiven him for whatever he did!

Nope. 

If anything Shouto’s angrier as he still has feelings for Tenya and he wants them gone. Shouto won’t even tell him why they’re no longer friends. Just that it’s Tenya’s fault.

The sports festival goes about the same as before except that Tenya gets the call about Tensei just before his fight with Shouto. 

Stain killed Tensei instead of crippled. His mother lets this drop on the phone.

Tenya instead of going home seeks out Shouto. Shouto’s older brother died. While he never talked about it, surely Shouto knows what it is like, maybe even knows how to cope.

Endeavor has just been blabbing away at Shouto. So Shouto is angry and totally avoids looking at Tenya or paying much attention at all, missing all the absolute BLATANT hints that Tenya needs help.

Shouto misconstrues Tenya’s disjointed ask for help and bitterly says that the normal thing is that the weak are ‘thrown out’ and the strong survive. Shouto has no clue that Tensei is dead. 

Whoops.

Tenya and Shouto have their match because the teachers haven’t heard about Tensei yet. It is a lot more brutal than the canon one. Shouto even loses himself for a while and uses his flame.

Tenya loses. Now he’s angry at Shouto too.

Shouto later has the chat with Midoriya, they have their match and Shouto starts thinking over things.

The next day Tenya refuses to talk about anything. None of the students have a clue what happened to Tensei.

The teachers do. Aizawa, Mic and Midnight went to school with Tensei. They try to be comforting. Tenya is super polite while raging inside that when Oboro died and Tensei was upset, they weren’t around. 

To be fair to the teachers, while Oboro and Tensei were close friends, Tensei wasn’t with the rest of them. Everyone was trying to keep Aizawa from falling apart at the time.

Tenya is NOT in his happy place.

Tenya goes after Stain

Tenya is a whole lot less patient at this point than his canon self. He doesn’t wait to go after Stain at this point. As his armour is at school, he uses his brother’s access cards and such to steal Villain stuff from his agency.

The one-on-one battle of Tenya against Stain goes initially better. He gets a few good hits in. Stain is ranting about Tensei was a fake hero. He eventually takes Tenya down but fail-safes in the villain gear kick in and electrocute Stain.

When Tenya gets a hold of himself, Stain is ranting about all the Iidas being false heroes that need to be cleansed. 

Tenya does not take this well.

At all.

And he has one of Stain’s knives.

Tenya finds himself wondering why his clothes are soaking wet. And red.

He then notices a few things (a) Stain is dead, probably has been for a while, (b) there’s a hero in the alley who apparently Stain attacked before Tenya showed up, (c) the hero is dead because they bled out, just like Tensei did, because Tenya was obsessed with killing Stain and (d) his parents and Aizawa have tracked him down and are watching in absolute shock.

Tenya runs. Aizawa recovers first and erases his Quirk, but Tenya runs all the time and even without it he is very, very fast. By the time, the Iida parents recover, Tenya has apparently disappeared into thin air.

This is because he kind of has. The League thought Tenya was Stain and Kurogiri warped him out of there.

Shouto finds out

Over at the Todoroki house, Fuyumi asks about how Tenya is doing, what with the death of his older brother. 

Shouto didn’t know but rolls his eyes. Though after some thought and after learning from Midoriya, it occurs to him that perhaps Endeavor doesn’t own Tenya. So maybe his actions had nothing to do with what Enji wanted.

 Also if there’s one thing he knows about Tenya is his older brother is his world.

And that expression on Tenya’s face during their match looked a lot like the nastier ones that Shouto himself has worn.

Shouto still has Tenya’s number from childhood and vice versa. He considered deleting it but at the time he was using it to remember just how much he hated Endeavor.

Tenya apparently sent some angry messages. 

“Oh no.”

Tenya is with the League

Tenya is so exhausted and upset about what he did and what his parents saw that he’s oddly accepting of being trussed up.

Tomura after some initial ranting about killing the kid who ruined the USJ (even though he didn’t), listens to the news, some police and hero chatter then puts his thinking cap on. 

Hero kid killed Stain. He is oh-so miserable about Stain being killed. I mean look at all the tears on his face . . . Good riddance.

Hero kid killed Stain when he was already out of the fight. Then kept on standing for the lolz. Nice. This could be interesting and Sensei is apparently all for it.

As Tenya is pretty much a Sim with its free will setting off at this point, Tomura instructs him through things, plants some ideas in his head and basically treats him like a very dumb pet. 

Not much happens until Stain’s diary is published and copycats start showing up. Tenya starts to wake up at this and it is not pleasant (though Tomura loves it).

Tomura pretty much points some out and lets Tenya loose and eventually Tenya comes back with a sword.

RIP Spinner.

Awwww... Tomura always wanted a little brother. 

Well, no he didn’t, but now he does.

Shouto and His Newly Reinvigorated Guilt Complex

Everyone is freaking out, trying to track down Tenya.

While they acknowledge that Tenya killed Stain, Shouto’s the only one who thinks that the Hero Killer Killer is the one responsible for killing an increasing number of Stain followers. The Iidas can’t believe that of their little boy, the teachers are letting their guilt taint their opinions and Midoriya and Uraraka are, at the end of the day, idealists.

Shouto knows what it is like to have your hatred of someone turn your life into a tunnel vision. If his father had killed his mother, Shouto has a very good idea of what would happen. 

As it was, Shouto seriously considered killing his father when he was younger. At the time, he only didn’t try to do it because it would hurt Fuyumi and he has a very hard time picturing Endeavor being able to die.

He honestly didn’t take into account that his mother wouldn’t want him to be a killer. 

He still doesn’t take that into account because Shouto, the idiot, hasn’t visited his mother because of everything that has happened. The guilt of not helping Tenya makes him ashamed and he doesn’t think he’s worthy of her. 

Shouto, you complete and utter idiot.

So he’s collecting (stealing) money from home, dyes his hair black and is going undercover to try to track Tenya down.

He’s really bad at the undercover bit (rich kid clothes) and his scar is very distinctive. Plus UA and Endeavor are tearing up the landscape to find him and he doesn’t have a magic portal man to transport him.

He’s all set to get caught when a mysterious burned man offers to show him the ways of the underworld for a price.

From here on?

I really don’t know but I don’t see the internship or summer camp arcs going the same way, if they happen at all.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

How would they react to their S/O either being pregnant or wants a child? (You can ignore this if you already answered it)

Im a sucker for parent mercs headcanons

tw: mentions of abortions, miscarriages and a very sad ending

Scout -will have an aneurism, but also will also hug you and spend a whole day just run around announcing to anyone he sees that hell become a dad -given the fact he never had a perminant paternal figure throughout his life, except his older brothers or his moms boyfriends from time to time, he will be at least insecure and nervous about the whole procedure. He has seen pregnant women yes, but he has never been the one who impregnated them. He loathes hell end up like his dad and become a deadbeat, but he also knows how much life sucks without a dad so he’ll man up and with some reasurrance from S/O he will become a much, much better than his.  Soldier -proudly announces to the whole base than a new recruit will be arriving in approximately 9 months and prepares accordingly. -he makes a crib with the help of Engie and makes blankets and clothes with the help of Heavy, even asks medic for advice on how to treat common baby sicknesses or just tips to how make their arrival/ first year on the world easier. Will help you around but will insist you take it easy. Will spend lazy nights or evenings talking to your belly, telling his adventures/ stories from the war or just american history ( his version tho).

Pyro

( idk how to write about them sorry chief)

Engie

-this texan will pick you up and pepper you in kisses, It isn’t a secret, his biggest dream since he was a young man was to become a father and now itll finnaly become a reality. Hell become emotional ngl, he will cry and just hold you as tight he can without hurting the baby.

-he will make from scratch everything youll ever use for the baby up to their college graduation( Engie why we need a crib with a mini-sentry?) and will baby proof the whole house/ base/ workshop. Lowkey will baby you during the pregnancy, especially the last months before the birth, he can’t believe his child will finnaly come in his life and he can’t stop spoiling you because he feels somewhat bad for the hardships of pregnancy ( morning sickness, back pain, the bby being a wannabe rodeo horse, the ussual)

Demo

-drinks a whole barrel of scrumpy after you announced that to him and passes out.

-wakes up and basically has both a panic attack and just so much joy, he has never felt that way in all of his life. Will try to stay as sober as he can druing the pregnancy, can’t have you laboring while he is vomiting like a cat in the hospitals bathroom. He can’t say he had a happy childhood neither that he was dying to become a dad, but he isn’t one to back down from the challenge. He is given the chance to make amends with his poor upbringing and ensure that the next generation of his bloodline won’t suffer like he did. Will buy lots of plushies and maybe ask advice from the people of the orphanage he was raised on how to raise a baby since his mother didnt raise him until he was a much older kid.

Heavy

-nearly dies on the spot. Family meant the world for him and now, he is finnaly able to start his own. For the first time in your relationship, he will openly cry in front of you and hold you while he is shaking with so many emotions

- phones his mother daily and basically creates a series of notepads filled with advice/old wives tales for caring for children. He already knows some basic stuff from raising his sisters but he wants to be 100% sure he will ace it. Having his father dying at a young age puted a lot of pressure in him to “grow” up and mature, so he makes his existances goal to make their childhood everything his wasnt. Que daily visits to the medic and being practically only allowed to breathe and eat, he really doesnt want anything to happen to you or your child, especially if you belong on the smaller/shorter type of people. He spends hours of his daily reading books in russian or talking to your belly and is ready to do everything to make your life easier, he will even knit baby clothes and cute blankets with small bears on them or small ines from poems on them, a bearskin baby blanket/coat is a must.

Medic

-he is no that happy tbh, he thinks hes far too old and his sperm isn’t as “strong” as itd be ifhe was younger, he has a nagging fear because of his age youll have a miscarriage or a difficult pregnancy.

-but once he saws the joy in your eyes and realise that hey, better late than never, he will try his best. He makes sure your pregnancy is smooth and does daily checkups on you and the baby, he is almost paranoid. You should help him relax or he will have a breakdown during the later months, because he is beyond terrified that somehow he will fuck up the birth and either permantly hurt you or the baby ( headcanon he will create twins, just imagine his silent mental freakout while he feels around and feels/hears two heartbeats). He needs comfort, but he will spend hours just talking to the baby about medical stuff or his experiences ( yes you will hear the skeleton story, multiple times). He isn’t a stable man, but he strives to make you and them happy so he is down to sacrifice everything he can.

Sniper

-faints when he hears the news, but scoops you up and spinns you around when hes over that initial shock.

-he is terrified and he is pretty open about it. He has barely enough social skills to speak with adults, he fears how useless hes around children.He needs constant reasurance or he will have the biggest mental breakdown he will ever have in his life. He can’t say he had shitty parents, but he also isnt a paternal man. He needs you to be the more hands on so he will feel comfortable with the idea. Engie and him will renovate the Van to have a built-in crib/bed and he will consult Medic for almos anything/ pick you up and run to medic if you feel the smallest hinge of pain. Once he feels the baby kicking or sees them on the machine ( idontrememberthenamesorry) he will cry and kiss your belly. He knows he wont be the best dad buthe will try his darnest to be the best dad he can be and provide all the love and the support for his child or children ( i lowkey see him as the type of guy who starts very insecure and then breed like a rabbit)

Spy

-oh mon fuck dieu, will faint and need medical assistance to wake up

-he thinks hes wayyy too old to have any more children, he believes ( a very common belief among the era/although somewhat debunked nowadays) that his sperm after so many decades its deffective and he doubts the pregnancy will even last that long to result to a child. But also he knows that he can’t leave another woman behind anymore, been there, done that, he’s a deadbeat many years now. He pays child support tho, but he knows all the money of the world can’t replace a father in a childs life. Furthermore his terrified of having a public family tree ( i think even if hes a fuckboy, he might was raised pretty hardcore catholic so in his head if you are to have his child and him being there for the both of you, it means he must also marry you). He has many enemies and he knows they are waiting for a chance to sink their teeth into someone that is dear to him. So he presents you a choice, either abort the baby and hell forget the whole situation happened and force medic and Engie either to create the most effective birth control, or to give him the most effective vasectomy there can be, or that you must understand he can’t stay because he doesnt want his enemies to hurt you and your child. He will come and go in your life , if you choose to keep them and send you a fat child support, but he can’t be seen with his child or have any legal documents with them. If you choose to abort, well better prepare to hold his hand while he gets his peepee pipe cut.

[ashes-in-a-jar]

Tma relisten Episodes 16-20

Things are picking up! Martin is gone, we meet some Flesh statements with all of their disgusting glory, finally find a skeptic (pretending more like) Jon in Vittery's case and then the story of father Edwin...

A warning, the last two episodes here are a confusing mess of thoughts that I have no energy to orginized so you're welcome to read but beware to remain confused. And add your feedback if you want. I'd love to understand what the hell father Edwin was going through.

16 Arachnophobia

Things are picking up. Oh boy vittery is here!

His description of his fear of spiders kind of reminds me of my experience as an emetophobic. I can read about it, watch it on camera (cringing but still can) but near me? Nope.

Major Tom! Love the pet naming system Jonny came up with.

"Our building had acquired something of an infestation of some sort of insect I didn’t recognise - small, silvery worms, almost like maggots, but slightly longer -" uh oh Jon. Jane is already there. I stand by my theory that the web set up vittery's case where Jane was because they wanted the institute to eventually come in contact with her. Specifically the Archivist. Another way the Web helped mark Jon to help bring the apocalypse.

Pfft his whole interaction with major Tom in this story is sending. "go get that spider" Major Tom "no I don't think I will" and saunters off never to be seen again.

Why are his descriptions of spiders so graphic my god. He likes to dwell on his phobia way too much for his own well-being.

Nice aim with the coffee mug. Especially while panicking.

Don't you just hate that you get used to your phobia because a worse version of it comes up? He managed to kill little spiders no problem from then on and I just... Feel for him so much.

"Can you be haunted by the ghost of a spider that destroyed your childhood?" oh. That one must have hit Jon hard right where it hurt.

"I officially gave Major Tom’s paperwork to the family on the ground floor he decided to move in with" lol cat live be that simple.

Commenting on Jon's hard denial specifically of this case and even thought there is so much obvious evidence supporting the supernatural. Just alot of suppressing fear on Jon's part. I feel so bad for him.

"But as I told Martin earlier, he was there for over a week, so there is very likely a perfectly natural explanation for the fact that his body was completely encased in web" sure. Told Martin. Betting it was a full blown argument from which Martin stormed off to prove him wrong. Jon please get your act together.

17 the boneturners tale

Ah Jared my man making his appearance. The bully next door who picks up and becomes a victim (in a way) of a Lietner instead of the statement giver. Where have I heard that one before...

Michael crew checked out the bone book huh. Saw the Flesh and was like mmm nope not this one either.

Archivist interrupted! We don't get much of these later on, when statements become way more compelling and can't be stopped in the middle.

Ewww and the first other institute staff we get is Elias. The sound mixing is really weird he sounds so strange lol. He hasn't polished his 'I'm an even more posh version of Jon' voice yet.

He takes live statements when Rosie's equipment doesn't work? So basically all of the supernatural ones that want to talk and not write. Those are always more special than the ones written. The statement giver felt the need to talk to someone not just write impersonally.

Elias asks about Martin. Once again fuck you Jonah.

Also Martin is missing the story is picking up! I saw at the end that he was in charge of follow up for this, a library statement. Was probably fun for him seeing he's an ex library worker.

"Blessed relief" no Martin he doesn't really mean that.

Jared experimenting on everything including small animals and his own family is all sorts of bad.

"All I remember clearly is the line “and from his rib a flute to play that merry tune of marrow took”." he took a rib and used it to whistle. Jared took Jon's rib and in 171 he whistles. Hmmmmm

So either reading the book did end up killing the guy or Jared eventually caught up with him. Either way poor soul.

18 the man upstairs

Not alot to say about this one except I oddly really like it, my first listen and now. Something about how gross it was really fascinated me. And boy it's super gross.

The meat creature in the end has eyes! Is it eye aligned in a way? Interesting...

Was this an attempted mini ritual of a sort to bring a meat creature into the world? Did it work? Perhaps that creature housed whet used to be Toby Carlisle who left his original body to become this thing.

Btw Archivist has lunches confirmed!

19+20 confession + desecrated host

The only double statement we have ever. A very unusual thing but also Jon explains it that the second half was misfiled nearby and perhaps was taken out and put back haphazardly. By who? Gertrude looking up. Rituals? Jonah looking up multiple entity rituals? Very ominous.

I feel so bad for father Edwin he really didn't deserve what happened to him.

I'll be honest i wasn't really listening to this one the first time. I was busy doing something else and always tended to half listen to exorcism horror. This is facinating to me as if I'm first hearing it.

Its interesting how Jon records his inability to utter words of belief. Also was this an interview? If so, where is the recording. He couldn't have written like how Jon was stuttering at those words. I need a clarifying answer about these and why Jon needed to record an audio of it when clearly there should be a recording of an old live statement.

It wasn't about God the fact that he couldn't say it anymore. It was about his comfort and denying it.

I think the first thing that marked him was the Slaughter. But now listening to it, it seems like what possessed Bethany moved into his mind because it want to suck out and replace faith and father Edwin had much more of it. How does one replace faith? Introducing the faithful to all the fears. It didn't really work tho since he stubbornly remained faithful.

This nurse Annie figure sent him in the direction of both Bethany and Hilltop Road which makes me very suspicious of her.

“I am not for you. I am marked.” oooh first time hearing those words. Perhaps the entity or what wanted to bring them about refusing to give him to the Desolation?

“Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.” the entities talking? Or warning father Edwin of his fate? Still sound alot like the Slaughter.

So when he leaves to walk the streets to the place he performs the religious service after being told all of his sins by something pretending to be father Singh, I count the Distortion, the Lonely, Stranger, Corruption? And flesh.

This one is still confusing as hell, I was surprised by breekon and hope's appearance in the end, having been the ones who delivered the stole.

Maybe the entities were trying to collaborate to create a religion of their own? Trying not to enter the world separately as a whole being but living in it as worshipped gods?

Whatever they were they decided to exclude the Desolation and the web from the project since they definitely didn't like Hilltop Road.

[irkenheretic]

okay i promised id do it and im doing it: Explaining The Plot Of That AU I’m Vague About: The Post

(as i was preparing to write this i actually got my 250th follower, which slapped)

so i’m just gonna start with the simple version, which is this: it’s a rebel AU which primarily centers around the tallest, who are both defective. they give up on trying to make any meaningful changes as figureheads, and instead direct their attention to being involved with the “neo defect revolution,” or NDR. they do manage to make one change as tallest- there is a garbage dump planet turned into a sanctuary for defectives (who in this au are executed once discovered,) and eventually enough of the populace finds out about it that the tallest have to deal with it. they finesse their way into kicking it out of the empire, so now it’s its own planet with its own rules, governments, and most importantly, immigration policies and protections

a lot of stuff happens and it’s gonna be structured using arcs, and each arc has a separate protagonist/deuteragonist/tritagonist lineup (but that doesnt mean the same lineup won’t be used multiple times!) and yes the insane list of OCs are for this au alone: some arcs are very OC-centric, some have OCs as supporting characters, and a couple are all-OC or mostly-OC. 

its going to be very longform and it’ll span from the tallest’s elite training days to twenty years after zim arrives on earth. (the 20 year gap btwn zim arriving on earth and the story proper isnt as tightly plotted as later tho.) the point is to see how a revolution on the scale of the NDR works, who was fucked over by defact laws, who was fucked over by other laws, etc. theres a lot of lore and a lot of headcanons i made for this AU and even a conlang. i am a being of hubris. itll be a series of fics, some multichapter and some oneshots. 

the series as a whole is gonna be called Invader Zim: Annexed or just Annexed for short. its a pun on an irken word that sounds similar but means the exact opposite. i am not explaining more bc itll be explained in the fic itself. but thats why the tag for it is #anx lmao

i didnt mean for this to be as long as it got but under the cut im gonna breakdown some of the early arcs:

so it all starts with a fanfic called Love Is The H-Word (no the “h-word” isn’t “hell.) it centers around red and purple as elites-in-training, who do a little whoopsie and have an egg. purple doesnt wanna smuggle it into a smeetery, bc then he’ll never see it again, so they go to the defect sanctuary (still a part of the empire at this point.) purple knows he’s defective while red has a hard time accepting that he is as well, due to events from his past. but being around all these other defects are starting to wear down his denial, and the fic is all about that. it also sets up some plot stuff, like how defects adopted a self-identifier in the word “heretic,” hence the sanctuary being named, “heretirk.” (hey look my url!) (no, the “h-word” is not heretic, either.) 

i dont wanna say what happens in that fic bc spoilers, but stuff Happens. its also when we meet some ocs that end up being important, and the existence of others are foreshadowed. this is also where we meet the tallests’ future advisor, rarl kove, for the first time, as a local who decides to keep them company. purple bonds with kove due to their shared interest in politics, while red reluctantly bonds with titch, a young irken (a smeet in heretirken standards, an adult in imperial standards- did i mention he and red are roughly the same age? lol) who is interested in military stuff and thrill-seeking and general destruction. titch is pissed because he claims his father is stealthing on devastis as a military commander, but won’t let titch sneak in as a soldier, as titch is deaf. 

(fun facts: in the au, “titch” is regional slang for “a little bit.” ironically, titch the character is above-average in height.)

due to titch’s deafness, he developed “gesturespeak,” irken sign language, so he can communicate. this existing becomes important later

a oneshot called invade the system is right after h-word in publishing order. it details zim’s exploits in leaving foodcourtia, where he was assigned and infiltrating the invading academy he eventually graduates from (in this au, zim is too short to be an invader, which sucks because the hight minimums for the military are really short to begin with lmao)

the fic chronoligically after H-Word focuses on red and purple being back in their platoon on devastis, specifically red navigating his training and his relationships with two defective platoonmates, pon and zi (who are in h-word a little,) after the realization that he too is defective. it also focuses on how the irken military works, and how they train their soldiers. 

the first arc overall focuses on red and purple going thru training and such, and ends after they graduate and are on the field, working to get commander rank. (they planned to gain commander rank then leave and go back to heretirk to train an army there, as heretirk has.... no army.) in the middle of this, they’re pulled out and told they are to become the next tallest. they debate over staying and taking the job or just running to heretirk, and they ultimately decide to stay.

the next arc i call the “bridge,” tbh. its less tightly plotted than the other arcs; fics are spread apart from each other chronologically and all that. it spans the time after the tallest being appointed to a little after zim arrives on earth. it also has a couple of anthologies focusing on imperial defects- each chapter is a new character. these guys are all important and the easiest way for me to introduce their backstories without cluttering everything up is anthology style, lmao. other things that happen are a look into how the tallest work, eventually culminating with the resolution of the tallest having to Deal With Heretirk, tenn’s rescue from meekrob, and zim on earth obtaining a half-irken smeet named pip due to stealing an Unethical Science Experiment from dib (which is pip.) the bridge is basically just. “heres some stuff that happens between point A and point B so when we get to point B you’re not confused as all hell.” 

the next arc focuses on zim. in the first fic, pip is sick and zim is trying to get into his neighbor’s pants, to cope. this basically sets up that zim in this au has no idea how to find personal fulfillment in living- he’s only OK if he focuses on pleasing someone else, be it taking care of pip or doting on the neighbor, some rando human named piqu (pronounced, “peek.”) this is mainly a cute romance story with the underlying veneer of “a child is slowly and painfully dying” in the background. fun! 

without spoiling the circumstances, zim and pip end up on heretirk, which at this point is its own independent planet. pip is in the hospital for most of it so zim has to do his own thing. computer fans rejoice bc hes basically zims dad at this point, who tells him to go outside and get some fresh air and talk to the locals instead of schmooping or screaming in anxiety. im sneakily introducing more characters like ini, the “next-gen zim;” a short bio-engineer (she works on PAKs) who was constantly passed over by everyone because they dont trust someone that short or they dont trust someone that spazzy, even though shes actually brilliant. also her brother mo, who’s a pilot that NOBODY will teach military-class ships to (at this point, HTK has a population of ex-military that had their old ships, but still no formal army) because he doesnt talk and they think hes “slow” as a result. for the curious, he is physically able to talk most times, he just doesnt like it. zim ends up teaching him how to fly military-class which ends up being important laterrr

(haha ini and mo. wheres meenie and minie? ILL GET TO THEM)

no really, theyre quadruplets. named ini, myni, minie, and mo. these are real characters. 

minie isnt introduced till later. shes too cool to be the side character in someone elses arc. she is feel uncomfortable when we are not about her.

myni is busy palling around with pip and pip’s friend “elly” (real name elevenn, with two N’s.) elly is a half-meekrob War Crime Baby and tenn’s smeet. he has vision problems (he can “see” energy signatures of things, as opposed to conventional sight. everything is monochrome and he has to really focus to see like, words on a paper. also fuck tablets) but the trade-up is telekinetic powers (that he cant use too much or his brain will melt. fun!) this isnt relevant until the arc AFTER zim’s, where they end up poking around a historical site due to myni’s interest in that kind of thing, and they find logs of an old revolution (that was actually pretty successful in their goal, before they were caught and executed,) that lead them to a man named lefy. he helps with revolutions and helped these guys, and the trio go to seek him out; myni because he wants to impress his parents with helping them, pip because after they’ve recovered enough to walk around and do stuff, feel like they need to justify the choice to save their life and make their dad proud and all that, elly because he doesnt want pip to get hurt and die. And thats where the stuff REALLY starts happening and i cant tell u more sorry

this seemed kind of disjointed but thats bc i cant really be too detailed otherwise id like.... spoil it lmfao. but thats the summary of the first few arcs.

[votederpycausemufins]

Lila Gets Exposed part 4

This is a one shot series I’m doing that is also posted on Ao3 here I’m fine with getting recommendations for other chapters [part 1] [part 2] [part 3] [part 4] [part 5] [part 6] ———————————–

Alix - Truth from the future 

    “Homework sucks!” Alix yelled to herself getting a shush from the school librarian. She was trying to finish what she wasn’t able to last night. She was going to, but she lost track of time hyperfocusing on something else. Curse her ADHD. Yeah maybe she was told multiple times by her brother to work on homework, but it doesn’t always work like that.

    ‘Focus.’ she thought to herself as her mind wandered off to last night. ‘This is due today!’ Her leg started bouncing and she tapped her pen on the desk and grabbed her other pen as a small floating rabbit tried to take it away. Wait.

    “Fluff?” She whispered, leaning towards the kwami before it flew off. She looked to where they went and there was her older self. Homework could definitely wait for this.

    “Hey mini me. Homework causing some trouble?”

    “Yes! Why does it have to be so hard?” Alix asked her adult self.

    “Who knows. They stopped giving homework a few years ago. Apparently it was more harm than help or something.”

    “So why are you here? Is there another akuma you need help with?”

    Adult Alix seemed to wince. “You know how the Hawkmoth from my time isn’t the same from this time.”

    “Yeah. It’s not like akumas have been quiet when talking with Hawkmoth. Why?”

    Her older self sighed. “So there’s this one guy who guards the miraculous, no clue how he’s still alive, but he gave me a note, which apparently he got from Ladybug and she apparently got it from you and you got it from me. Your basic time travel stuff. Anyway, that note was about now. Right now I mean.”

    Alix made her pause to explain, but she just told Alix she’ll find out.

    “Well anyway, I’m supposed to come back right now and tell you that Lila is a liar, will become Hawkmoth, stuff like that.”

    “Wait, Lila really is a liar? And she’s going to become Hawkmoth?! We need to tell someone!.”

    Future Alix shook her head. “Sorry, you can’t. Technically she hasn’t done anything wrong since she’s not Hawkmoth yet, and who knows what will happen if you try telling someone. She’s could become Hawkmoth no matter what.”

    Alix put her hands to her head. “This is horrible! And Lila’s a liar, meaning Marinette is right and we’ve been so mean to her.”

    “Yeah, there’s a reason Marinette gets to be a hero and Lila doesn’t.”

    “Marinette gets a Miraculous too?!”

    “Eventually yeah. Can’t tell you who exactly but she does get one at one point. But that doesn’t matter right now. What does matter is you help Marinette and anyone else Lila might hurt. It’s… it’s really important for everyone involved. And you may not want to, but you especially need to help Chloe.”

    That made Alix have a double take. “Chloe?! I haven’t helped her since she almost dragged me into a group with her and Sabrina a few years back.”

    “Yeah her. She’s gonna improve, I promise. But she’s going to need some extra help because of something Lila does.”

    Alix grumbled but then nodded. “Fine, I guess if I have to. I doubt she actually will get better, but I guess she should get a chance.”

    Future Alix shrugged. “Hey, at least when you give her a chance, she’ll try to improve at least a little. Lila just threatens and lies her way to popularity.”

    “Who the hell did she threaten?!” Alix all but yelled, getting a shush from someone nearby but at least out of sight.

    “Well, I don’t know who she has right now, but basically any time someone figures it out and confronts her, she threatens them. With Marinette it was her friends and her crush on Adrien, for Chloe it was her dad’s position as mayor since her mom is actually in the embassy and would have some sway. For Adrien it was going to his father and getting him permanent homeschooling.”

    Alix was fuming. “Lila is such a b-” she couldn’t finish as Fluff came out of nowhere and covered her mouth.

    “Careful, we’re in a school library. Being loud is already pushing it.” Her adult version explained, but then quickly added. “I’d love to curse about her too though.”

    Alix huffed before looking up at herself. “Well what am I supposed to do about it? Who the heck is going to even believe me?”

    Future Alix put her hand on her chin. “Well, Marinette isn’t the only one that knows, but Since Lila has been threatening Marinette and possibly others, though I’m not sure who right now, there are going to be some people in the class that know and just are too scared to speak up. I texted the class one by one asking who they believe, Marinette or Lila.”

    “Alright, but how am I supposed to convince anyone else?”

    Alix got a smirk from her double. “Our class has done a lot of cool things, and I know when there’s something you do like, you’ll learn everything you can about it. Maybe talk about some of that stuff and Lila will tell a blatant lie not knowing others know the truth.”

    Alix crossed her arms. “What did you do?”

    “Well I may have mentioned Markov without talking about their name and Lila talked about their cousin who created him. Max was surprised since Lila wasn’t on his family tree. But that’s not what I started with.”

    “She didn’t!” Alix exclaimed in a hushed voice. “Oh my gosh it’s that easy? She doesn’t even learn about what she’s lying about. How were we so blind?”

    “Hey, my theory is we’ve got magic miraculouses, we got a magic ice cream guy, who says that Lila doesn’t have a magic tongue.”

    Alix’s eyes widened. “You’re right! Oh my gosh. This makes so much sense now! What else is real magic? Did gods from different mythologies actually exist? If so my brother would freak out.”

    “Okay mini me, one thing at a time. First, you need to help your friends.”

    Alix nodded and pulled out her phone before her double spoke again. “Oh and by the way, you need to thank Fluff.”

    “Wait, what for?”

    “They helped finish your homework I doubt it was important anyway. Well other than helping your grade, but homework just sucks in general.”

    Alix thanked Fluff and her adult self. “I’ll do my best to help everyone. Who knows, maybe that’s what’ll help Ladybug think I can get a miraculous.”

    “You have no idea mini me.”

    Alix started to walk away before turning back. “Wait, aren’t you only given your miraculous for emergencies when there’s no one else that can help? Is Lila that bad as Hawkmoth?”

    “Let’s just say, she’s worse as herself than as Hawkmoth. But speaking of, I should probably get going.” Future Alix took out her watch. “Fluff, Clockwise.”

    Alix gave a quick wave to Bunnix before she left with Rabbit Hole leaving the skater on her own. At that moment the warning bell for class rang and she grabbed her homework to rush to class. Entering the room, of course Marinette wasn’t there, but Lila was, talking about more lies. Alix held in a frown and walked over. “Hey what are you guys talking about?”

    Lila smiled. “Oh we were just talking about how I almost competed in the Olympics, but couldn’t because of my hand.”

    “Oh really? What event?” The skater asked.

    “Gymnastics. It should be obvious why I couldn’t with my hand.”

    Alix faked interest. “Oh really, which one?”

    “Um, the most recent one.”

    “Oh…” she tried her best to sound disappointed.

    “Well I also almost went into the games before that.”

    Alix held in a smile. “Did you ever get to meet Ewan Fernandez? Or maybe Benjamin Macé?”

    “Oh yes of course! We practiced together sometimes!”

    “But wouldn’t you be competing for Italy?” The red head tilted her head innocently. “And they’re speed skaters, not gymnasts. I mean, everyone knows I like skating.”

    For once, Lila was at a loss for words. She was soon able to come up with an excuse that she mixed up some names, but Alix knew it wouldn’t take long for her to be figured out now. And hopefully it would help the rest of her class.

[scftnesss]

╰ ♡ ✧ ˖  ( min yoongi , twenty-three , cismale & he / him ) is that CHAEMIN KANG from apartment number SIX on the SEVENTH FLOOR ? i heard he’s a BOOKSTORE WORKER , and rumor has it he’s known to be DETERMINED & REASONABLE , but then again ,  he can also be SHY & RECKLESS . considering everything going on , it’s no wonder he’s hiding the fact that ( REDACTED ) .

hi lovies, im leigh, 22, gmt, and this is my baby chae ! i’m terrible at plotting, but if you slide into my msgs or like this i’ll try my best aaaaa but here we have a little condenced version of info on this guy !!

TRIGGER WARNING: domestic abuse, violence, murder/death mention, drug mention, death by overdose.

PART 1: THE BASICS

full name: chaemin kang.

nicknames: chae, minie, baby face.

date of birth: september 21st, 1996.

age: twenty-three.

nationality: south korean.

spoken languages: korean, english.

gender: cisgender male.

pronouns: he/him.

orientation: bisexual.

hometown: daegu, south korea.

PART 2: GROWING UP

born in daegu to an up and coming lawyer and business woman, his family relocated to america when chaemin was eight.

when they first moved, they lived in new york, both his parents becoming well known in their respected areas. and with this fame came money.

they hadn’t been poor before, but the kangs now had a life of luxery and didn’t have to worry about the small things - there was always food to be eaten, bills were paid on time and christmas was full of gifts. everything was perfect.

until chaemin turned eleven and things started to change. his father was home less but drinking more,and his mother kept giving the “he had a hard case” excuse. 

his father first hit his mother the day before chae turned twelve, hitting chae for the first time only days later.

this went on for years, his mother trying to give the illusion of a perfect family, and his father over-drinking and hitting them. multiple hospital visits with more excuses, because who would believe a well respected lawyer, one who had helped several domestic abuse victims, was hitting his family?

one night, just shy of his seventeenth birthday, almost five years since it began, chaemin couldn’t take it any more. his mother’s face had a gash along her cheek bone, caused by the broken bottle in his fathers hands and his father was approching chaemin.

it had all happened so fast, but the next thing chae remembers was his fathers shocked face, and seeing the bottle imbedded in his chest, before he dropped the the floor.

chaemin was never arrested, their security footage showed it all, it had been in self defence. 

after his fathers death, his mother turned to drugs, eventually having an overdose and passing before chae even reached twenty. not being able to stand living in the city any more, he moved as far away as he could, all the way to san francisco.

his parents money had all went to him, so he had no problem moving into the apartment complex or keeping up with his bills.

in new york, he had been studying legal theory at nyu, dropping out of his final year when he moved and now studying music at SF state university along with working at a bookstore downtown.

PART 3: SELF IMAGE

babie.

comes across a little shy and reserved at first.

super into skin ship and cuddling with his friends.

can get very focused on one task, usually needs someone to pull him out of his tunnel vision

has a slight stutter

tends to be whiny when he’s tired

even though he’s babie, he’s still reckless at times, getting most of his piercings and tattoos on a whim just bc he could

only ever does drugs on the rare occasion

doesnt speak about either of his parents

PART 4: RELATIONSHIPS W/OTHERS

bad influence: listen hes babie but always up for a good time, so count him in

good influence: possibly someone else who’s in college, makes sure he does his course work but also makes sure he doesnt get too sucked into it

someone who knows his secret: this would be discussed in depth together.

someone that knows him from new york: they would only know the chaemin that killed his father and then lost his mother, chae now is far from that person

[professorprophetess]

Analysis

Why “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” worked where other video game themed movies fell short”

Jumanii: Welcome to the Jungle was not met with any sort of optimism whenever the sequel to the beloved Robin Williams movie was announced following the actor’s death. Yet despite all misgivings this movie turned out to be better than one might expect it to be, even standing its own and paying many moments of homage to the prior film. It managed to be a video game movie that actually worked, and that mostly comes from how it embraced its concept whereas other game movies tend to try too hard to take those half-real incoherences out of the equation and it more often than not weakens what is being attempted. In contrast I’ll be referencing these other movies: Spy Kids 3: Game Over and Ready Player One as well to compare and contrast how well each films handles their game elements.

First a few definition of terms might help those who are not as versed in the terminology as I am or as other game scholars might be. Whenever I say Incoherence, I am of course referencing Jesper Juul’s Half-Real. In it, these things are basically those parts of video games that are non-diagetic but are part of gameplay. The UI, the menus, the rules, the loading screens, the world maps, etc. It’s one of those reasons straight video game adaptations have such a hard time because a large part of what is going on with the game is those non-diagetic elements (Juul 121-162). I may also refer to certain games as MMO, MMORPG or just RPGs and while I know many know what those abbreviations stand for, I’ll spell them out right now. An MMORPG is a Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game whereas MMO is just to refer to any large game that is online. RPG is simply a Role Playing Game. Any game that has classes to choose from and the party system are generally RPGs. There are other types of abbreviations for games but for the games being discusses, these are the three most pertinent. The final abbreviation is VR or Virtual Reality.

I will start with the oldest film of the three: Spy Kids 3: Game Over. Its central conceit is child spy Junie Cortez had retired from spy work because he was feeling inadequate and just wanted to do something else with his life. Then the maker of a new VR MMO game turned out to secretly be an evil mastermind. They had sent another spy kid into the game but her mind had been trapped by him somewhere in it. Since the other spy kid is his older sister Carmen, Junie has no choice but to enter the game world and go after his sister and save the world while he was at it. In the end, the villain is stopped by Junie and then the virtual monsters somehow end up in the real world with the climax being that the mecha monsters are stopped by Junie and his family (Spy Kids 3). As far as video game adaptation movies go, this and the other films don’t technically count since the games in their plots aren’t real. However, Spy Kids 3 doesn’t also seem all that concerned as to how its central game’s rules work. Sometimes they’ll throw in the gaming concept of mini-games to advance —the robot fights, the racing game, the duel, I can only think of a few times where they faced monsters. Only three times did their life points count—the robot fight, the duel, and when the guy got blown up—. Emails are mentioned but it’s never shown how they exchange them aside from an awkward mimed handoff. Then there is the power up the bad guy gives Junie’s Grandpa AKA his old friend. These items, and the few elements of game play rules are there but they’re not really anything other than a plot point here or a beat there. They’re not central to how the plot is resolved nor how the story is playing out beyond a few bumps in their path to the climax. In fact the film version of incoherence AKA breaking the fourth wall plays more of a role with the climax as the 3-D glasses are used to see the monsters once they get into the real world. They’re not called those in the film but it is very clear with how they look that they are 3D glasses. Still, while it doesn’t resist the incoherences, it merely accepts them as a fact of a game movie and moves on (Juul 121-162, Spy Kids 3).

The next film I’ll look at is Ready Player One. Unlike Spy Kids 3, Ready Player One’s VR world isn’t actually an MMO. The OASIS is actually an internet interface that has many gameified elements to it (Ready Player One). In this film, the inventor of the OASIS died without any heirs about ten years before the start of the main plot and then added an extra gameified element to the OASIS. He left behind an Easter Egg Hunt for the whole of the OASIS’s user base to find. Winner takes the whole OASIS for themselves. This set off a bunch of people pouring over the things he loved in his life to see what kind of Easter eggs he hid to find the clues to get to that final prize. The hero, Wade, is a major Halliday—the OASIS creator—fanboy and finally manages to crack the code to get through the first challenge. From there, the race is on against his fellow gamers and Sorento the menacing head of a company that—should they get control—would make the VR world of the OASIS a pop-up filled nightmare. For the most part the rules of the game are not as important as the rules of the real world, as Sorento being the generic corporate villain that he is uses in game data to find the offline ID’s of the leaderboard to threaten them or, in one case, kills Wade’s not-all-that-lamented Aunt and Uncle as well as a bunch of innocent people who also lived in his trailer house stack (Ready Player One). Item inventories and passwords play a large role in the movie’s outcome as well as an extra life and the rules of the various mini games and challenges the players go through, but beyond that, I wouldn’t say the incoherences are ever used to anyone’s advantage beyond a plot device moment with that extra life Wade got from the Archivist (who turned out not to be just an NPC but an actual user avatar after all: the ex-best friend of Halliday) (Juul 121-162, Ready Player One). Ready Player One was far more concerned with pop-culture references than it was anything else. This doesn’t detract from things but it is what it is.The gameified OASIS  of the movie with its customizable avatars is interesting but doesn’t seem particularly efficient for anyone just trying to use the internet for data sharing or business. In fact it seems like it has a lot of wasted features to look cool instead of be functional. If it were a straight up VR MMO, that would make sense but here it creates more issues. Ultimately, the incoherences are there but not super important more than item collection—the keys and Wade’s 1-Up—,the moment where they steal Sorento’s password, and the chase scene at the end where the real-world jerking about it making it hard for Wade to get to his goal. Never once do they seem to be anything anyone—except the bad guys—can take advantage of and even then it was more by accident than design (Juul 121-162, Ready Player One).

I saved Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle for last. In the original film, Jumanji was just a board game. A possessed board game but a board game none-the-less. Yet, its rules affected the whole plot of that first film. That first film ends with two of its Protagonists, Allan Parrish and Sarah Williams, throwing it into a river for it to get washed away in the year 1969 (after having been adults in 1995 for most of the film’s plot). There is a post credit scene where two girls speaking French come across it on a beach (Jumanji). Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle opens with a man jogging along a beach and finding the game in the year 1996, one year after a majority of the plot of Jumanji took place. He picks it up, takes it home, and tosses it on his sleeping teenage son, Alex, who remarks “who even plays board games anymore?” While he plays his vaguely Atari 2600-esque console, the game magically changes into a cartridge version of Jumanji. Alex picks it up and puts it in. The next that is seen is a flash of green light. The movie jumps ahead and now it’s 2017. The movie introduces our four new teenage protagonists as four types of teenagers: the wimpy nerd, the lazy too-cool-for-school jock, the introverted awkward girl, and the self-absorbed, selfie-obsessed, popular, pretty girl. Also, the father of the Alex is re-introduced and the consequences of his disappearance have made him a wary, angry man. The four kids all get in trouble and land in detention; pretty girl Beth for being on the phone in class, Awkward girl Martha for mouthing off, and the boys Nerdy Spencer and Jock Anthony “Fridge” are  in trouble because Spencer helped Fridge cheat on his homework. They find the old-quasi Atari console with its very Nintendo looking controllers and decide to turn it on to play Jumanji. It is shown to look like it’s an old school RPG for four players that can each choose from different characters to play. After pressing start, they all get sucked into the game and become their characters. Spencer becoming the handsome Dr. Bravestone, Fridge becoming the comically small “Mouse” Finnbar, Martha becoming the sexy Ruby Roundhouse, and Beth becoming the male Dr. Shelly Oberon (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle). The first instance of game incoherence being part of the actual plot is when they get into the game and Beth dies but comes back because the extra life system. They meet a helpful—to a point—NPC named Nigel who fills them in (enabling a flashback cutscene) which is even explained by Spencer to the others. He gives them the item they need to finish the game as well as warnings about the bad guy they’re running from/racing to the center of Jumanji and drives off repeating his voice lines. A nice touch, as after they’re done with any sort of major speaking, NPCs do repeatedly say the same thing due to programming (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Juul 121-162). The next incoherence is ability UIs that can be displayed by pressing their names on their outfits, and that Bethany being the character who is the cartographer is the only one who can use the map-item. Along the way, Fridge’s back-pack is an inventory for weapons that shouldn’t reasonably fit in it and the group has special attacks they can activate once conditions are met, like Martha using Ruby’s fighting skills or Spencer using Bravestone’s weapons(Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Juul 121-162). Other touches where the game incoherences are woven into the plot are when NPC’s only talk to Spencer’s Bravestone, shortcuts across the whole world from the bazaar to the jungle house of Allan Parrish, and the NPC guardsmen whom Martha has to distract with a radio that conveniently is there for here to use her character’s dance fighting with. Then there is the scene where Alex, who has been in the game since 1996, is almost game-overed permanently but Beth transfers an extra life to him. Finally, there is the climax of the film where Martha as Ruby uses one of her extra lives to get to the top of the giant Jaguar mountain where the stone needs to go to win Jumanji, because characters respawn in this world by dropping from the sky. She purposefully uses her character’s weakness to snakes to get to the sky and she slaps the stone into Spencer’s hand so he can end the game(Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Juul 121-162). This leads to them winning once he yells Jumanji and the kids are free to go. They leave school and see that Alex was sent back to 1996 and his family’s house is no longer the dilapidated mess but is now warm and full of life. The kids move on and the movie ends with them at school the next day smashing the console with a bowling ball and the credits roll. At no point were the rules of the game they were in ever ignored and as mentioned the characters of the movie were even able to use those rules to their advantage whether it be getting through the world faster via a shortcut or using how the characters respawn to get around the bad guy. It wove these in well and that is why, of the three films here, it implemented its game aspects the best. There were still moments where the movie deviated—since we would see what the villain was up-to from time to time—but otherwise it stuck to keeping the rules consistent (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Juul 121-162).

Jumanji: Weclome to the Jungle was a film I had very low expectations for and not only did it exceed those expectations, it very cleverly used parts of gaming that other films ignore —unless they have to deal with them—to their full advantage for the plot line. Spy Kids 3 and Ready Player One didn’t ignore these aspects per-say but they did not fully embrace them as Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle did.  By doing things the way they did, the writers of Jumanji were able to side-step a lot of the problems movies with video games in them could run into while attempting to make an engaging video game based narrative. The other two films attempted this same tactic but with varying levels of success. Video games are hard to adapt, and that is just a consequence of their inherent interactive status. The player’s interactivity affects how the game is to them. Adaptations take this out and lose part of the game. What Jumanji ultimately did that the others didn’t was make it feel like this was a game someone could play and showed how it would be played. The others did not. That was why they fell short.

Sources:

Jumanji. Directed by Joe Jonhston, performances by Robin Williams, Kirsten Dunst, Bonnie Hunt, and Bradley Pierce, TriStar Pictures, 1995.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. Directed by Jake Kasdan, performances by  Dwayne Johnson, Karen Gillan, Kevin Hart , and Jack Black, Sony Pictures, 2017.

Juul, Jesper. Half-Real. MIT Press, 2005. pg 121-162.

Ready Player One. Directed by Stephen Spielberg, performances by  Tye Sheridan, Olivia Cooke, and Ben Mendelsohn, Warner Bros, 2018.

Spy Kids 3: Game Over. Directed by Robert Rodriguez, performances by  Daryl Sabara, Alexa PenaVega, and Antonio Banderas, Dimension Studios, 2003.

[wariofranchisefanblog]

I love the Dodgeball in Mario Sports Mix and want a eshop sequel of it. What would you want the roster to be and what Super Shots would they have?

24 characters, 6 more then Sports Mix had, but it’s only one sport instead of 4, so I’d say that’s reasonable.

I also went for a trio theme, because with the ability to have either 2 or 3 characters on a team I always wanted more options for the sake of themed trios. You can still make any team you want, it’s just that everyone has at least two characters for a default theme that fits them.

Plus yah know, it’s a good excuse to put in characters that I’d want anyways, like Syrup, Mona, Wanda and Foreman Spike.

In terms of Special Moves I have the following in mind:

-Mario keeps the one he already had in Sports Mix. Not that I’d mind him having a new one, but he is supposed to be the basic character and his Special in SM played into that perfectly: practical, if without any fancy gimmicks.

-Luigi uses the Poltergust 5000’s Strobulb to blind and stun all opponents within a certain radius. There is a small delay between that and him being able to throw, so anyone hit by it isn’t lost by default, but they have to scramble.

-Pauline begins to sing, which causes music notes to move towards the opposing team. Everyone who touches them will be stunned into a dancing animation for a bit, which makes them easier targets for Pauline.

-Peach becomes angry and is engulfed by a flaming aura, in reference to the Rage vibe from Super Princess Peach. She will stomp the floor hard enough to stun everyone that didn’t do the dodge maneuver at the right time and will then jump back into the air to throw the ball.

-Daisy uses the Superball power-up from Super Mario Land. The ball bounces around the entire field, unpredictable for everyone involved, but it can either hit an enemy, to give Daisy an easy time hitting them or put her opponents into a corner, giving them little chance to escape.

-Rosalina turns the ball into ten Star Bits that can be fired individually. They are fast, but only do little damage one at a time, so it’s all about making every hit count.

-Toad turns the ball into a huge turnip and hurls it at the opposing team. Upon hitting someone or landing on the ground it will burst into several smaller turnips, that can hit those close enough to them, this doesn’t cause as much damage as getting direct decked by the veggie itself.

-Toadette uses a Double Cherry, that allows her to multiply and hit the ball in two different spots at the same time. This gives her a lot of range, but no other obstacles for her rivals to dodge.

-Wanda turns the ball into four bombs, in reference to Wario’s Woods. She throws them all individually and all of them have a explosion effect when hitting an opponent or the ground. Each bomb does less damage then other Special Moves, but the total possible damage when three or four of them hit surpasses all the others, but it takes skill to pull off.

-Yoshi turns the ball into a Mega Eggdozer that rolls along the entire playing field. It breaks after hitting the invisible walls three times, so how much milage Yoshi can potentially get out of it relies on good aiming.

-Birdo sucks up the ball and spits it onto the opposing team in the form of two eggs. As usual, both individually aren’t as strong as a regular Special, but it let’s her either targe two different opponents or double down on one target,

-Shy Guy summons three Spear Guys, that stand on the edges of the opposing playing field and will attempt to poke the players. Getting hit by them naturally leaves the players stunned and as easy pickings for Shy Guy.

-Wario’s eyes turn red and he proceeds to shoot lighting bolts from his hands, that force his opponents to move around them and potentially get caught off guard by Wario shooting the ball at them or get electrocuted and stunned. This is more overtly based on Wario Deluxe, but also has inspiration in Sparky Wario from Master of Disguise.

-Captain Syrup will call two mini versions of the Wario Land 1 genie on the opposing field. These will circle around and have to be dodged in a similar manner to the mushrooms from Toad’s Sports Mix Special Shot.

-Mona takes out her guitar and begins to shredd it wildly, everyone caught in a certain radius will be dizzied by the loud volume (only loud in-universe of course) and have their controls messed around, making trying to dodge the incomng shot difficult.

-Donkey Kong throws the ball into a Barrel Cannon, that hovers over the opposing team’s site. The control for it is very eratic, but a well aimed shot requires extremely good reflexes to dodge, in exchange.

-Diddy puts on his jetback and shoots peanuts at the opposing team, which stuns those who get hit by it, making them easier to hit.

-Dixie throws a TNT Barrel on the opposing player’s site, the resulting explosion will cause everyone caught by it to catapult in the air, allowing the Dixie to catch one of them as soon as he/she lands.

-Bowser spits out a large fireball that hits the entire oppossing team. The burn effect is the same as in Sports Mix, where the characters run around with their butts on fire and are harder to control. They can still dodge Bowser’s incoming throw, but it’s harder then it would be normally.

-Bowser Jr will jump into his Clown Car and, in a variation of his father’s special, throw Mecha Koopas at his rivals, that when exploding on or near any of them will cause the burn status. Unlike his father Jr isn’t guaranteed to inflict the status, but a character who get’s burned is stuck in a brief animation before running around, which Jr can take advantage of.

-Kamek commands a bunch of Toadies to corner the opposing team, narrowing the space they have to dodge his incoming Special Shot, much like Daisy’s old special from Sports Mix.

-Waluigi’s Special Shot causes the opposing field to be flooded with water, in reference to his Defensive Power Shot in Mario Power Tennis. The other players are now trying to dodge Waluigi’s incoming throw by swimming, which involves swimming controls.

-Foreman Spike graps a Gotchawrench and throws it at his rivals like a bumerang, said rivals will be stunned and left wide open for a hit.

-Nabbit’s Special has him stuff his opponents into bags similar to his own, the players now hop around at a fixed speed and have to dodge the coming throw that way.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

No Comicstorian, Marvel DOESN’T need a reboot Part 2: Miles Morales isn’t the whole Marvel Universe

I continue to debunk the BS of this video about Spider-Man/Marvel needing a reboot as proven by Spidey PS4.

 This time out we handle the bulk of his points and learn that really this is all about how he feels about Miles Morales.

What is Comicstorian’s next point.

 “In Marvel’s rolling timeline they move the events of the pas forward in time and update stuff to it like how Flash Thompson was a bully like in the 1960s stories but it was now because of his Dad”

 That isn’t an update and that has nothing to do with a rolling timeline. That’s a flashback, a character reveal, a retcon, character development, whatever you want to call it.

 Claiming this is an example of how Marvel’s ‘timeline’ works is like saying that about Harry Osborn being revealed as having Daddy issues like the year after he was introduced.

 “Flash’s Daddy issues got turned into him becoming Agent Venom”

 No, Flash becoming Agent Venom was due to his history as a solider and his adoration of Spider-Man. his Daddy issues played into it kinda sorta yeah but that’s not an issue related to a rolling timeline, that’s just making use of a character’s established history.

  “Adding stuff into the Marvel timeline without removing stuff or rebooting makes it more convoluted because now everything happened even though it doesn’t make sense in the modern day’

 That isn’t how Marvel’s timeline works.

 Marvel’s timeline works off the premise everything happened and you just ignore anachronisms and/or generalize them.

 Flash Thompson being drafted into Vietnam where he met Vietnamese woman Sha Shan became Flash Thompson went into the military during college and over seas met Sha Shan.

 We don’t confirm he went to Vietnam but we do not contradict it either.

 And this has worked for *checks watch* over 55 years. Comiscstorian claims that it’s confusing and convoluted to have such a big history but...clearly it isn’t because they still make money and make a lot more money  than DC does with it’s frequent reboots.*

 Meanwhile DC has removed stuff in their history and replaced it with other stuff or rebooted it wholesale and whatever to modernize things and wound up with an even more convoluted fucked up mess than Marvel ever had because there are literally 9 different versions of Superman.

 And even specific versions of him ran into the exact same ‘problem’ Marvel had because the superman of 2002 who’d been around since 1986 would’ve still had anachronisms in his history from those 1980s stories.

 “DC have never done a true reboot outside of the Nu52”

 Yes they have. You can debate the meaning of ‘true reboot’ to an extent but if you are going to codify the Nu52 as an example of one then 1985’s Crisis on Infinite Earths would DEFINITELY be a true reboot.

 “Batman has never truly been rebooted”

 This is not true at all.

 Whilst it is accurate to say of all DC characters and franchises, Batman has changed the least from reboot to reboot, to say he’s not changed at all is ignorant.

 When originally conceived Bruce Wayne had no Butler or father figure. Alfred was introduced as a gag character who got in his way but morphed into a loyal butler.

 Then when Batman was rebooted in the 1980s Alfred and his history drastically altered. Now Bruce had a perennial father figure in Alfred who’d been there his whole life and helped him on his quest to becoming Batman from the outset.

 Whether Batman carried fire arms or not in his early career is also something that has altered from version to version.

 The circumstances under which he met Jason Todd have changed.

 How and when he revealed his identity to Catwoman has changed.

 Selinia’s entire backstory has been all over the place.

 Two-Face’s origin and Batman’s role within it has changed.

 The role of Jim Gordon and Batman’s relationship to him has radically changed, as he was originally not a father figure to the Dark Knight.

 There is so much more but I’ll stop here. Batman’s history is not AS fraught with contradictions as Superman’s or Wonder Woman’s but those major alterations still exist.

  “With rebooted characters (like in DC’s case) in terms of needing to understand what is currently happening in modern comics, like the Flash you only need to go back to 2011”

 Marvel still outsells DC most of the time in spite of their long continuity.

 Marvel for the longest time wrote their comics with the belief that every comic is someone’s first and should be accessible, meaning you never needed to go back at all if you didn’t want to, any issue was a jumping on point.

 I am a personal testament to this. My first Spider-Man comic was part 4 of a 4 part story wrapping up 28 months worth of incredibly convoluted plot lines. But because it was a good story in that issue and written accessibly I still loved it and became hooked.

 This mentality also gives no shits towards story integrity.

 If eventually any story is just going to be rebooted why bother emotionally investing at all?

 Why does any story matter if they can all just be changed or thrown out the window whenever for the sake of a new version.

  “Marvel tried to fix their continuity problem in 2000 when they did the Ultimate universe which allowed for fresh takes on the characters and a chance to remove the problematic elements and make them work better in this current timeline.”

 Yeah and then that universe lasted just 15 years and then died on it’s ass after hobbling along since 2008, with Ultimate Spider-Man itself becoming creatively impoverished before Miles Morales showed up.

 Also ‘removing the problematic elements’? You mean like Venom and Carnage having personalities? Because...having personalities was an idea that was dated in the 2000s?

  “The Ultimate universe needed to be shut down because things had gotten too convoluted like the main universe”

 If the Ult Universe was too convoluted to be allowed to continue why was the even more convoluted 616 universe continued and in fact selling more than it?

 It’s almost like the Ultimate Universe fell into decline not because of too much convoluted history but because the stories sucked shit and no one gave a damn because they weren’t the original characters anyway.

  “In modern continuity Steve Rogers is back to normal but he’s still HYDRA Steve Rogers, still Old man Rogers, still  so convoluted”

 That isn’t convoluted.

 That’s just a lot of stuff happening. It’d be convoluted if he was all those things at the same time, but in reality he was just one thing after the other.

 And whilst that does kinda suck because a lot of those things were trash, the idea of events occurring like that isn’t being convoluted. It’s just storytelling.

 All those things occurred within the last 10 years of Captain America meaning that had Cap been rebooted 10 years ago by Comicstorian’s logic he’d need a reboot by now.

 By his logic the Flash should be rebooted again soon because too much shit has happened.

 I’d love for this guy to like check out long running manga like One Piece or Sailor Moon which has even wackier stuff in even shorter spaces of time and all within the same continuity.

 “It’s all just a mess!!!!!!”

 Translation: Comicstorian, the guy who you would think would know and appreciate comic book history and is able to roll with it, is pissed off that things are too hard to follow.

 Like Jesus fucking Christ this loser is a weaksauce fan. MOST comic book fans know and can roll with the weird histories, even learning to love them.

 This guy’s name is literally riding against his fucking attitudes.

 “Spider-Man history is convoluted because he was married but then he sold it to the devil so now he isn’t”

 This is the most damning example of Comicstorian knowing jack shit.

 Because of all things in Marvel One More Day is the closest thing to a continuity reboot akin to DC’s.

 He is literally pointing at a continuity reboot and saying it makes things a confusing effed up mess and then tries to use that to justify us...doing more of the same???????????????????

 “its so convoluted because he keeps going back to collage”

 You mean like....real life people do?

  “Spider-Man history is so convoluted because there is a whole series of venom lethal protector”

Okay so first of all Lethal protector was a mini-series not a whole series.

 Second of all that is VENOM HISTORY not SPIDER-MAN history.

 What? EVERY SPIN OFF counts towards making a character more convoluted?

 “Miles morales in the 616 universe only works if you don’t question his origin”

 I mean that is true but whilst not strictly speaking a reboot Miles’ migration from one universe to the next is storywise more similar to the types of convoluted messes that occur when continuity reboots happen.

 Case in point Power Girl being taken from Earth 2 and incorporated into the newly rebooted post-crisis DC universe or the deal with all the Milestone comics characters.

 Miles however is UNIQUE in these problems among Marvel characters whereas it’s more similar to the deal with DC characters.

 And Comicstorian is so blind he can’t even see that.

 *Comicstorian explains Miles is already a part of PS4 Spider-Man’s universe thus avoiding the problems of him being convoluted and by extention proving Marvel needs to reboot stuff*

 Basically this whole mess of a video exists off the back of how this one video game fixed the story problems of this one character in the Marvel universe who’s situation is actually unique among Marvel characters and more comparable to DC ones.

 THAT is why Comicstorian thinks ALL OF MARVEL should be rebooted.

 “we need a linear timeline for these sueprheroes now!”

 Most of the marvel heroes alreadyhave a linear timeline and always did in the pre-internet age when marvel fans just picked up the latest issue and winged it.

  “I have a nephew and it’s so hard to just give him a comic book”

 Then maybe Comicstorian’s nephew just won’t find comic books to his taste because that’s literally how every comic book fan got indoctrinated.

 Just fucking give him ASM vol 5 #1 by Spencer and if the story is good enough for him he’s in. It’s incredibly accessible for the most part.

 “It’s so hard explaining Miles morales to my nephew”

 Yeah because Miles is UNIQUE in having that convoluted a backstory.

 “Marvel history is too convoluted for younger audience members”

 Again I jumped onboard literally at the end of the most convulted Spider-Man era of all time, I dealt with divergences from the cartoon Spider-Man I knew, I purchased info books detailing his long crazy history.

 I was fine.

 In fact those info books are still sold on the mass market so they clearly have an audience for that convoluted history.

 “We don’t want kids to be intimidated by the confusing history like we adults are”

 Kids don’t view that stuff the way adults to, they’re more accepting of shit and roll with it.

 “It’s a lot to try and get into Spider-Man”

 If only there were jumping on points peppered throughout Spider-Man’s history which are ways for you to get invested without going through everything before hand?

  “The PS4 game is the best version of Spider-Man ever!”

 Better in some respects not as great in others.

 “It’s the best version because it’s one straight path”

 Pretty sure it’s more to do with the characetrization and stuff.

[popculturespiritwow]

THE WICKED + THE DIVINE #27: OB-SESSION

After many months, I’m back! Sorry for the long silence. Life=Crazy=Sorry.

I’m planning over the next couple weeks to post summaries of the rest of Imperial Phase I & II and then hopefully I’ll catch up soon after that. It’s hard to believe there’s only a few more issues left. (Nooooooooooo.)

I’ve actually held off reading the most recent couples issues until I’ve gotten back onto this, so if as we go you’re wondering how it is I don’t already know this or that, that is how. I think the last issue I read had all kinds of crazy reveals about Baal. Speaking of which...

BAALER (I Hate Myself for this Title But There You Are)

The big reveal of issue 27 is that Baal has some kind of magic super secret voodoo he can use to stop the Great Darkness. It builds on last issue, where we learned he’d not only been previously briefed on the GD by Ananke but seen his father murdered by it. It’s also the beginning of another shoe dropping, except we don’t really know what gets squished beneath it for another eight issues and two specials and like a year of reading time so it doesn’t seem like a shoe so much as a hmm, that’s mysterious, I’m sure it’s fine, shall we rave then?

I love the visual structure of this page, the way it uses repetition to express the passage of time and also distance to simultaneously demonstrate our own distance as readers from whatever horrible nightmare things are going on and to minimize those events. (It’s so small; whatever it is, it couldn’t be that bad, could it?)

(Baal, what have you done...)

I also like how Baal’s “reassurance” to Mini repeats his mother’s words from last issue--“It is what it is,” but then adds on in a way that sounds like the sort of ‘steel yourself for nightmares’ mantra learned from everyone’s favorite grandmonster. Even as it gives Baal an adult-sounding stoicism, it also makes him sound like a little boy. 

And speaking of Baal’s complicated relationships with children: Had we been told before now that Mini ascended just a month after him? It strikes me as a brilliant move on Ananke’s part. Right from the start she’s set up her replacement self as a little sister for Baal to protect.

Two issues in a row we’ve got Mini as the seeming target of the Great Darkness bug fiesta. Is that because it knows who she really is/will be? Is the GD somehow in league with Ananke, and the attacks on Mini are just another way of keeping everyone thinking of her as Everybody’s Favorite Divine Lil Sis? Or does this, too, have something to do with Baal? Could it be that it’s actually Baal and not Laura that is well and truly cursed?

TOPOGRAPHICAL FLUIDITY

The heart of issue 27 is the five double-page spreads in which the standard left to right, up to down of Western comic storytelling slowly breaks down. On the first splash we’ve got a Laura/Sakhmet story riding the top, then the lower three quarters of each page telling their own stories (though really it’s the continuation of Baal’s story from page one to two). The second spread flips the structural arrangement, but now the left and the runner are continuing a story while on the right page we’re with Laura and Baph and Laura’s sister and ow oh God that hurts to read. 

The pages continue to shift and change from there, with one section always following Laura, at least one following Dio/Cass at the rave, and the other one or two checking in on what other characters are up to.

The thing I love about the approach is how it speaks to the disintegration within the group that Laura ordained with her choice of “Anarchy” last issue.  We’re not in complete collapse by any means, we can definitely follow the narratives, but the idea that these characters are starting to go in different directions is literally demonstrated in the structure of the page.

And also in the way the pages alter the visual language of Dio’s earlier rave (from issue 8). We’ve got the same 16 block grid structure, but it’s twice as dense; now every block contains an actual story panel, as compared to half for most of 8, with the other half used for the ongoing rave 1-2-3-4 countdowns.

Whereas issue 8′s dance pages had a sort of expansiveness, a sense of the rave as the overriding context that the story panels are just a part of, in 27 we’ve lost all that. In fact the rave is only one small part of what’s going on, even as its grid and color frames remain. (It’s interesting to see the rave visual style used as well for what precedes and follows it; it’s like the energy of the rave is starting to bleed out beyond the confines in which it makes sense.)

It’s also worth noting the rave in issue 8 ends with different members of the Pantheon one after another finishing Dionysius’ sentence, as though all one person. Another great contrast with the never-united narratives of issue 27.

But you know, even seeing how issue 27 offers an intensifying deterioration of the rave joy feel of issue 8, I still easily get lost in the visual dance of its two page spreads. I think it’s those bright frames; they just read to me as “fun”. (Apparently I’d be all good living in a prison camp as long it was decorated with Christmas lights.)

One moment does really snap me out of it, though:

No matter how bad things have gotten, Drunk Child Star Mini feels very unexpected. Plus who is she talking to? The camera team? Herself? Ananke Within?

(Actually, going back to issue 8 I realize we get a similar moment where out of the blue the story cuts to Minerva, talking directly to the camera with that same combination of ‘Don’t mind me.” and “Life sucks.”

So she’s almost certainly talking to their documentary squad.)

Mini drinking is not the worst thing we see in these pages by any means.

Ow. Ow. Oh God, Oh God it hurts.

But somehow that Mini moment (that mini Mini?) (#sorrynotsorry) is the moment I find most off key.

ONE MORE ONE MORE TIME

Hmm. That comparison between the two Mini moments has got me thinking...

You know, give me a second...

*time passes*

So hey, I’m back. I just went back through the rave in issue 8. Here are some of its major beats:

Dio tries to help Laura let go.

Laura becomes a part of everything going on.

Laura talks about her family and sketches them in light.

Cassandra cannot connect. 

Sakhmet and Laura look each over and then start dancing together.

Woden watches.

Mini is left out.

The Morrigan warns Laura about getting too into Baphomet.

Everyone unites around Dio’s thought of making people’s lives better, because the end is coming soon.

Each of those beats is returned to issue 27.

Dio tries to help Cassandra let go.

Laura tries to disconnect from everything that’s happened.

Laura thinks about when she got Baphomet to create an illusion of her family.

Cassandra finally connects, saying “You’re full of stars”, which is what Laura said to her at the rave in issue 8. But then she rejects the connection.

Laura, now with Sakhmet, wonders what’s the worst thing she could do to her.

Woden watches. (Jamie uses the very same image.)

Mini is still left out, and now drinking. 

Laura gets too into Baphomet, and now Baphomet is locked away with the Morrigan.

Cassandra rejects the connection.

There’s a little more in each rave than that (Woden plotting, Woden calling for a hook up, Baal and Inanna), but you gotta love the way the parallels show those stories having progressed (and not for the better).

(Also, I know Dio is on life support at this point, but man it feels like there should be one more cast rave, doesn’t it? Jonesing for my rule of threes.)

LOCK STEP

In the final pages we shift to two pages of a sort of call and response; on the left side we get David telling us what’s “really going on”, aka in year two the gods lose it, and on the right we cut back to each god in their own version of doing that, and ending on the punch line of Cassandra.

She’s the one god who seems to have her head well and truly on straight, the adult in the room, but here she is just staring silently at what has been her white whale the whole issue, Ananke’s Murderous Mystery Machine.

Gillen’s notes on this moment are familiar, chilling and wonderful:

Comrade Rossignol, my old partner in crime, game developer and co-writer on The Ludocrats, and I have a line we tend to quote to one another. It’s a paraphrase of a quote from Ballard: ‘My advice to anyone in any field is to be faithful to your obsessions. Identify them and be faithful to them, let them guide you like a sleepwalker.’

We quote it as: ‘Stay true to your obsessions and your obsessions will be true to you.’

It’s basically been our respective careers’ magnetic north, but there’s certainly times when I wonder how good it’s proved for us as human beings.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

You could easily go from Cassandra staring silently up to the spooky final full page spread of her white whale itself. But instead Gillen gives us an extra six panel page first. It seems puzzling; we don’t really need to have David ask “Are you okay?” We already know that Cass isn’t, and that she doesn’t know it.

But for me what makes that page so important is that it gives the other Norns the chance to ask David about their own fate. Imperial Phase I has taken Skuld and Verdandi from silent back-up singers to real emotional partners with Cass, indeed the dominants to her submissive. By presenting us with the question of their fate we’re reminded of the fullness of their humanity; their lives are just as valuable as that of Cass.

Their question also plays very much to Gillen’s comment about the destructive impacts of artistic obsession. These gods don’t just hurt themselves; they put their families, their fans, their friends at risk. What will Skuld and Verdandi do when those dangers come for them, one wonders...?

[miniallumgames]

It’s Never Ogre...

Shrek 2: “It’s a real game”

Platform played on: Gamecube

Genre: A Joke

Allum’s Rating: 4/10 for loners, 7/10 for co-op

General Review:

So, this is mad late, even pushing into Mini’s week. This is also extremely long just to warn anyone. Mini’s gonna be pissed. Mini hasn’t seen any of this. If anyone cares enough, thank Mini because they recorded some of our conversations in the notes. Those will be spread out in the review. Oh sorry, I meant long ass shitpost.

It was originally a solo playthrough and as an avid Shrek fan, excitement permeated the air. Nothing was going to stop this hype train for this first review, except the game being clear pretty early on that it was for more than one person. So as the kind soul and partner it’s imperative that Mini was bestowed with [begged] the position as loyal squire in this arduous and rewarding journey of Shrek 2.

So Shrek 2 is basically the movie as a game. The game is unbearable at times and filled with puns. There’s a lot to this game especially in terms of gameplay. It changes its rules often, but in such a way it can be taken as refreshing instead of annoying. It’s far better than most movie/TV show video games and more effort is put into this game than necessary.

There is absolutely no reason for this game to have fully fledged out character models, boss fights, more than 5 world maps, voice acting, and a lot more. It exceeds all expectations that both Mini and I had. This game does have it flaws and an abnormally large difficulty spike. However, that will be evaluated in the main game summary.

The main set-up of the game is a beat-’em up with four characters available at any time. These characters can vary and each with their own unique abilities. The flow of the game is changed per chapter and per level. After a level, sometimes there is a mini-game, announced by the Magic Mirror, “It’s Hero Time” and it is just one player/character playing an entire game by themselves and the game will not continue until it’s completed. Some of these are rather easy and can be completed in one go while others will test your mettle and question your entire life as to why you are playing the same minigame from Shrek 2 for an hour and a half. Every chapter is something new and it can span upon the entire mainstream video game format list. It might not sound interesting now, but listen when I say Grand Theft Auto is involved.

The game’s menu is a storybook and when something is clicked, sometimes there will be a random voice line from either Shrek or Donkey. Imagine going to options and suddenly the thundering voice of Shrek shouting, “OGRE POWER!!!”. Anyway it’s a good presentation of the menu and far better than the usual title screen = menu deal.

[Allum: So menu’s pretty nice *starts exploring and clicking on stuff*

Mini: It’s Shrek, I’m surprised there’s no toilet humor-

Shrek (out of nowhere): OGRE POWER!!!

Mini: Excuse me?]

In the beginning the game starts with our lovely, playable main cast of Shrek, Fiona, Donkey… and the most important one of them all: Gingerbread Man, why is he here so early in the game? He doesn’t make an appearance in the movie until the third act, but now he is available in the first chapter of the game. It’s alright because his purpose of being in the party is to hit random targets placed all over the swamp and distract surprisingly timely alligators with cookies. As for the other characters, Shrek can lift various objects and either throw them or place them in their designated spots. Fiona can apparently slow down time with the use of an hourglass, while Donkey can burrow kick objects into submission.

The story for Chapter 1 is that Fiona and Shrek got an invitation from Fiona’s parents to meet the lucky man who Fiona married. Shrek isn’t going to go without supplying on some eyeballs for the road and the game becomes a beat-’em up/collectable. This is the main format of the game, but it changes itself every so often. Playing the game for the first few moments was pretty fun until characters started getting stuck and locking the camera in an awkward position. The AI is the same as the majority of escort mission AIs, dumb as bricks and likely to die.

Mini played as Donkey while Gingerbread man was mine and for some reason his candy cane is a homing jump attack. The first objective to continue with the game is to collect eyeballs for unsuspecting snails in the swamp. Simple and nothing really remotely interesting, until five minutes later… Robin Hood and his French out-of-the-closet men show up to fight.

[Mini: Is it just a collectathon?

Allum: I fucking hope not. I ain’t a completionist.

*moving to next part and then in game cutscene*

Robin Hood: OH MERRY MEN!

Allum (in stunned disbelief): Mini, please explain to me why Robin Hood is French?

Mini: He isn’t French? Maybe he turned French when Fiona kicked his tights so high up his ass.]

They were surprisingly hard. There were far too many of them and Shrek and Fiona died in the process. Afterwards, it was time for fairy collecting using time-slowing hour glasses and at this point, why didn’t they just leave after getting the eyeballs? Shrek just needed his disgusting trail mix for the onion carriage.

Anyway despite feeling as though much accomplishment has been made, Shrek 2 showed itself as Dark Souls with its map design. It circled back into Shrek’s home and it turned out that Lil’ Red took over the home to make chicken soup. The place was infested with chickens and the goal was to hit the chickens into the pot. Yes, when a chicken is hit, sometimes the chicken will fly halfway throughout the map to its boiling death.

Then our merry band of heroes was then somehow convinced to journey with Lil’ Red to her grandmother’s house. At this point, our merry band of heroes should be almost stupidly late to meet the King and Queen of the kingdom and this is probably why the King hated Shrek so much because he was three days late due to collecting eyeballs, capturing fairies, and hitting chickens.

After arriving to Grandma’s house, the chapter was still not over. It was mini-game ti- sorry, “It’s Hero Time” and this time it’s Fiona’s turn in the spotlight and this one throughout the entire game is the easiest one in the whole game, but no one told us. The goal of this one is to make birds explode with Fiona’s singing. It is basically DDR and with every button Fiona sings until the final button mash where she belted so high that the birds that were trying to keep up explode.

Finally, it was the end… of chapter 1.

[Mini: That was pretty fun. I guess. (referring to Fiona’s mini-game)

Allum: Yeah, the game has a pretty good feel to it. Music is good too.

*After intro to Chapter 2*

Mini: FUcK no. Are you serious?]

As to why Mini freaked a little, Gingerbread Man ditched us for a date and Lil’ Red joined in, but the main reason was that Chapter 2 is a giant escort mission. At this point, it should almost be obvious that Mini was my saving grace in this arduous journey and this was only Chapter 2 out of 11 and it only gets worse.

Yes, the second chapter is escorting the 3 blind mice throughout a horrible forest/graveyard. A witch wants them for one of her spells and turned the horses back into mice and so the gang has to help out. The mice are disturbingly fast and the cheese does almost nothing to distract them from the various death traps waiting for them.

The best way to win was to rush as fast as possible past the mice and the two party members whose abilities are vital to this stage were Donkey and Lil’ Red. Donkey uses his burrow blast to kick old trees and gravestones to use as paths. While Lil’Red can rings bells that open gates with her spin jump and throw apples at mouse traps and rats.

Apple throwing is the most infuriating thing since the apple’s direction is thrown by which direction Lil’ Red happens to be standing and the mouse trap doesn’t go off if the apple doesn’t hit directly on it instead slightly over it. In any case, that was the most troublesome part of the escort mission.

The game also introduces a drunk knight as another enemy and initial thoughts were that he was going to be an easy enemy just more health. Instead he can’t be stunned and can keep using his sword spin move until every character is rolling in their grave wondering how an idiot took them down. The answer to that is because each hit from the knight takes half of the health bar away and the game doesn’t have that wonderful boon of invincibility frames.

Finally in the end of the escort mission, the real villain shows itself, “It’s Hero Time”. It’s the start of something evil. This time it’s Dragon and Donkey’s turn to shine in Hell. Once the mice are escorted safely, Fiona gets into the onion carriage and right before Shrek can get on, the witch casts a spell on the carriage and sends it down a path where it will fall off a cliff. This Hero Time is just a dodger, but there’s a weird delay in the inputs and it might just take a couple of times until it’s finally over and Fiona is saved.

Now Chapter 3 is something real special.

[*plays Chapter 3*

Allum: Wow

Mini: It’s just a shitty version of GTA.

Allum: What are you talking about it’s magic.]

Yes, Chapter 3 of Shrek 2 is a really shitty version of GTA and received my complete adoration and Mini’s complete hatred. Shrek and the gang made it to Far Far Away and are suddenly given the positions of deputies to help out the old father-in-law. Shrek’s just there to suck up while the others are just… there. This part of the game is the buggiest as every time the camera tilted a certain way the screen would turn a pale blue and the only thing besides the screen looking like someone accidentally hit fill on MS Paint are the shadows of the characters as grey circles.

Anyway, the only thing that’s GTA about it is there’s a star system only up to 3 stars. The easiest way to get beaten up and to get those beautiful 3 stars is just to hit a knight. Sure it might be fun to hit random people with apples or kick them halfway through the block with a burrow kick, but isn’t having Shrek carry a knight the good old Shrek way.

The goal is to help out the kingdom with thieves, escorting princesses, and helping Humpty Dumpty in several mini-games. But it’s more than any one of us expected. This section is very easy to complete because it can just end once talking to the King, but no one told us that. We both assumed that every mini-game had to be finished and some mini-games took more than two tries, but they were all doable.

Every single mini-game was played to agonizing completion. One mini-game was to escort Cinderella while she goes shopping and beat up the 40-50 armed men ready to steal from her. There was one that included beating up the Pied Piper and his children stealing rats. Shrek has his “Hero Time” just throwing outlaws into a police wagon. Another one tests platforming skills to collect Humpty Dumpty’s body. Last ones include chickens and then following a troll stealing jewels to collect them. He instakills anyone in one hit and an ‘I hate you’ note written in orc’s blood. Blah, they’re done.

On to Chapter 4, no more dilly dallying. No more with Keeping up with the Cinderellas.

Chapter 4 is a godsend. Sort of depending on how well you can press buttons. There’s no map, it’s just a rhythm boss fight with Puss-in-Boots. Anyway the King hires Puss-in-boots to kill Shrek and Fiona is left behind in the castle and left out with Gingerbread Man. This is the first time that it follows the movie in the sense that Puss-in-boots just pops out of nowhere to fight. If you make one mistake, that character is dead and you move on to control the next character. It’s just dodge and parry, the button game with the cat in the pretentious hat.

Chapter 5: Back to the basics

This section is back to the simple get to the goal and beat things up along the way. This time Shrek and the gang went to Fairy Godmother’s house to get a happily ever after for him. When they arrive, Shrek doesn’t have an appointment and can’t get in, but Lil’ Red apparently had one and just leaves the group without a care in the world. Puss-in-Boots replaces her and not surprisingly very stealthy and agile. His abilities include walking on conveniently placed ropes to the switch and looking like a deranged orange when he jump.

[Gingerbread Man: “Things would be easier if I was brown”.

Mini: What kind was joke was that? A race one? A cookie joke? Is it even a joke? What was that?]

So they are headed to Jack and Jill’s farm to get a package so they can ‘deliver’ it to Fairy Godmother’s house. There is no reason to pad the game for this long and if they followed the movie’s route, it would have been long enough, but credit is given to inserting new places in the Shrek Universe. The only enemies are pumpkins infused with Fairy Godmother’s magic or drugs. Let’s be real she is the mafia. The rest of the map is just filled with easy puzzles using mostly Puss-in-Boots to solve them. This section is relatively easy and short, but that is only because it is just practice until Chapter 5 reveals its true self.

The real level is another “Hero Time” and this time it’s Puss-in-Boots turn. Platforming rears its disgusting face in the worst way possible. In platforming, it’s acceptable to have 5 to 6 platforms until a checkpoint, but there is no checkpoint in this whole thing. It consists of platforms, ropes, and piranhas. It’s all about timing on the ropes and which way is fastest to the goal because there is more than one path. It’s honestly not that hard, but that’s only because Mini did it.

[Mini: I’m done *walks out*

Allum: Where are you going?

Mini: To get coffee, so I can try to work out why you are trying to test my love.]

Chapter 6 and this time Mini is gone. Thank goodness this time, I didn’t need help.

It’s a pretty small map once again, but it follows the same format as Far Far Away. It is chock full of mini-games and this time they are not optional. These are far easier than the ones in Far Far away and are actually enjoyable. The music and the colors make it extremely fun and whimsical. There are cows, bees, and giant carrots in the map really adding to the farm atmosphere.

The story as to why Shrek and the others have to help out in the farm is because the Three Little Pigs are lazy and they won’t give them the package until Shrek and the others finish their own for them. This is probably one of the best maps in the game and most of the mini-games are rather fun. There are so many puns in this map that Mini would have left the city if they heard all of them. Every time the mini game begins or is complete, the pig who assigned it makes a pun. These puns are masterpieces and although the writing in this game is awkward most of time, this time it is A+.

A favorite would have to be the start of the chicken collecting mini-game.

[Pig: Now don’t go killing ze chickens, I don’t want Poultry-geist running around”

Allum: *snorts*]

This game has the party go around hitting chickens and then the chickens fly up into the air and then disappear into thin air, hopefully to their coop if not then into Lil’ Red’s pot of death. A small map with some enemies and roaming chickens. Simple and easy, nothing horrible about it. There is also an egg collecting game that is impossible to fail and is reminiscent of a Mario Party game. The needle in the haystack one is just a clusterfuck based on luck. There are either 16-25 haystacks and the needle is in one of them. The more haystacks are hit, the more rats are released. At one point there were so many rats, the poor slave called Gamecube started to make the worst crying sounds and the reaper named “Lag” showed itself.

As always there’s “Hero Time” and it’s Gingerbread Man’s turn. It has nothing to do with him being a cookie or any of his skills or acquaintances. This poor living cookie has to climb up a ridiculously large hill to get a pail of water while avoiding being crushed by giant tomatoes that want him decomposing for their future children. There is nothing sophisticated about it. It is just a simple ‘get to the goal’, but it is a waste of Gingerbread Man.

Finally, the Pigs give the gang the box to deliver to Fairy Godmother’s house. And guess who’s back! Mini came back to suffer with me. Oh yeah so is Lil’ Red.

Gingerbread Man left us probably because he needed a milk bath after the tomato incident and so Chapter 7 appears. Chapter 7 is when the game amps up the difficulty. It starts off easy in the first puzzle, which is just having Shrek move crystal orbs around until there are no more lasers in the way. If any of the characters hit the laser, a bunch of heavily armed men will show up. The best part of this section is that Smokey the Bear showed up sleeping on one of Fairy Godmother’s couches.

Now here’s where the game starts to flip its middle finger. “It’s Hero Time” with Lil’ Red and the Fairy Godmother. Now normally it only takes a couple of times to finish these mini-games, but NOT a full hour of my life. So this poor girl has to run on a 3 conveyer belts with giant spikes in between each one as a short magic-buffed grandma tries to sucker punch her into the afterlife with homing magic missiles. And all she has to defend herself are apples.

Eventually, Lil’ Red won and the chapter continues with our heroes finally making it to the potion room. It’s pretty much a team effort to get it and it’s fun.

Then it’s a mob fight. There are just so many. We lost a few times and the fight started from the beginning.

We wanted to just go to sleep, but there were only four more chapters left. We came too far.

There were at least more than 50 guys there and the feeling of death was washing over us. Still wasn’t over, Ryan Seacrest shows up as a boss fight. He hit pretty hard for a pretty boy, but he was no match for the patented, old ‘hit and run’. We beat him up and then his mommy comes to chase us out of their home. There was an actual chase scene, but far more manageable than her boss fight. But we did it, we got the potion.

[Allum: FINALLY!!!!

Mini: Don’t wake the neighbors.

Allum: They’re having sex again. Don’t even try. *sassy pose*]

8th Chapter is fine except for the “It’s Hero Time” segment. At this point in the game, Shrek and Donkey have transformed into a handsome guy and a white stallion. They’ve been locked up because Fairy Godmother sees him as too handsome. Now it’s finally time for new characters to have their time to shine.

This game feels new again because half of the party has been replaced. It’s jailbreak time with fairy tale characters. Gingerbread Man and Lil’ Red are back in action and finally on the team at the same time. They all have the same abilities as always. But there are two new characters, the Big Bad Wolf and Fairy. Starting with the Big Bad Wolf, he deals a lot of damage and his special is his blowing ability which helps with a lot of the puzzles. His animations and lines are actually rather nice and he plays similarly to Shrek as the tank except that he can stay in the air longer due to his dress.

Now onto the Queen herself, Fairy, she is amazing. Yes, her name is Fairy and no, she is not Tinkerbell. It says so on her character profile. Whatever, she’s so badass. She is the leader and drill sergeant of the team and she takes no BS. Her abilities include flying, granting others the ability to fly temporarily, and becoming a machine gun. Her normal attacks fire extremely fast and her movement speed is faster than anyone else. Her only bane is that because she is floating the entire time, she can’t press buttons or lift objects, but that’s what the others are for. She doesn’t need to do anything besides kill and float.

The actual level is a good old regular prison break mission. The goal is to break out 2 out of the 3 Little Pigs and Shrek and Donkey. There’s no big tricks or super aggravating things in this part. It boils down to bring something to somewhere to open a door, press a switch, or blow a giant boulder up/down a slope with Big Bad Wolf. There is actually some challenge with the game because if the characters are detected a lot of enemies will come to attack them and those enemies hit like a carriage. Overall, this is probably one of the best parts of the game along with Far Far Away and Jack and Jill’s Farm just because all the characters are really fun to play with.

“It’s Hero Time” is actually not rage inducing. It is far better than the previous one with Apple Thrower vs Magic Missile Caster. This time it’s the Big Bad Wolf’s turn and it’s technically the same as Puss-in-Boots’. It’s a simple get to the goal game except there is some platforming and instead of piranhas with predictable attack patterns, there are rolling bombs. Poor Wolfie has to do this to get the key to free Shrek and Donkey. We actually got it on our first try so that’s why this one isn’t so scathing as the others.

Time for Chapter 9 and now party switch-a-roo time!

[*Chapter 9 starts and playable characters show up*

Mini: You RUiNeD It! *Points at the screen* MY QUEEN.

Allum: More like your machine gun.

Mini: My Queen has fallen… *drops to her knees*]

Good-bye interesting cast of characters and interesting party chemistry. Welcome back Shrek, Donkey, and Puss-in-Boots. Interesting thing now is that Shrek and Donkey now count as one character because the whole time Human!Shrek is riding on top of Horse!Donkey. They are now the main damage dealers in the team and are extremely fast. Shrek now wields a giant lance and can throw an unlimited amount of damaging magic potions at enemies. They can break large objects and crystals. The two people from Fairy Tale Heist Team that stayed are the Gingerbread Man and the Big Bad Wolf.

However this stage is once again pretty good and rather easy. It’s just simply running through the map and slaying down enemies. The level is designed like a temple and looks like it was copy-and-pasted straight from a Lara Croft or Uncharted game. It’s a rather pretty level as it There is some pretty good background music too. It’s rather mystical sounding and pleasant to listen to.

There’s a pretty varied bunch of enemies here instead of just normal men. There are spiders, giant spiders, frogmen, and golems. The only real threats are the spiders and stone golems. The spiders have shown up before, but now there are more of them and if three of them gang up on any character, it’s basically instant death as there is no invincibility frames to allow the character to escape. The stone golems and the golden golem are probably the biggest threat because they have the largest HP bar and hit extremely hard, but can be easily taken down with Shrek’s magic potions.

“It’s Hero Time” and it’s almost the last one and it is genuinely a horrible experience. It is tiring and requires absolute focus, but it’s fucking hilarious. So Fairy Godmother surprises the gang and kidnaps Snow White in her glass casket. Then Shrek and Donkey chases after Fairy Godmother and Snow White as they’re racing down the in a mine cart. It would have been funnier if the controller didn’t go flying. Fairy Godmother takes at least 7 times to take her down and it’s a long mini-game for that. Shrek and Donkey are only allowed 1 hit and then they die. Never in my years have there ever been such pure, unadulterated hatred for a game and twisters in Harvest Moon exist.

After what felt like a lifetime, it’s over and the gang is back in Far Far Away. Chapter 10 and guess what, the gang are now firefighters and their mission comes from Smokey the Bear who turns out to also be Papa Bear. This was honestly the best part of this chapter. But also why isn’t Smokey helping out and if he was there to prevent fires, why are there several fires all over Far Far Away. No more bugging out into a pale blue death screen this time, thankfully.

It’s an easy mission of just putting out fires by using Big Bad Wolf or a water cannon and breaking down doors to let people escape. There wasn’t anything hard about it and is rather pointless. Smokey had no reason to stop these random group of people and tell them to put out all the fires and save all the people from the doors that won’t open from the inside. It contributed nothing and it was just to ease the player’s tension from the previous “It’s Hero Time” and to get them prepared for the next part of the level.

[Allum: It’s a trap. That giant gingerbread monster is going to appear and it’s going to be an escort mission.

Mini: That part’s obvious. Why are you freaking out?

Allum: I don’t know. One of us has still to react to this game.]

Surprise, it’s an escort mission. It’s even more aggravating this time. This time the gang is escorting Mongo, that giant Gingerbread Man, through the entire town. He’s such a huge target it’s not even funny. So the gang has to destroy the knights using water cannons/catapults that shoot disturbingly fast while running through roofs. Mongo is so easily killed and we actually had to turn up the brightness on the TV because we couldn’t see what we had to use to defeat the knights and if we actually got them.

After the roof section, it’s the same thing, but on the Far Far Away version of Beverly Hills. It is easier than the roof section as long as Shrek and Donkey are used correctly because now a bunch of enemies will come out and only Shrek and Donkey can knock them out easily. Mongo will be on one side of the street while Shrek and the others will be on the other. The Gingerbread Man can now direct Mongo to destroy obstacles on Mongo’s side of the road with his throwing cookies. It’s pretty creative and a test in multitasking and timing. Nothing feels better than throwing a cookie and more than thousands of dollars of property damage is done.

And finally the last “It’s Hero Time”, and who else would the last hero be in Shrek 2 than Mongo, the best character in the movie. This time it’s rather easy compared to the other ones because it is timed to be less than a minute and it is just a still turret section. The goal is to protect Mongo and it was the most exhilarating part of the game because the game was almost over. The banquet was almost upon us and we were not going to waste any more time.

So… Chapter 11… That lil’ old chapter. The banquet did not happen and we turned off the Gamecube and got coffee. Who cares about a sense of accomplishment? Neither one of us was willing to put anymore time on Shrek 2 for the Gamecube.

Let’s get this straight, WE DID NOT FINISH THE GAME. Because this section is such bullshit. It is a multi stage boss fight against Fairy Godmother. So Shrek and Donkey turned back to normal and Fiona is back in the party. GIngerbread Man and the Big Bad Wolf are nowhere to be seen. A part of me wished that we could finish it, but it’s just the worst thing ever. Fairy Godmother and Ryan Seacrest doesn’t fight fair. We got up to third stage and that’s it for the review.

So the first part of the boss fight is with the drunk knight that can take down half of a character’s health in one hit. But now there is 10 of them. And they surround the party in a circle. It took a while before we got the trick was just to wait in the middle because the knights can’t actually spin move all the way into the middle to hurt the party. They have an indicator to show when the knights will stop their spin moves and it’s that their armor will fall to their ankles. This took six times until we figured that out.

The next stage of the fight is with a troll that switches between running up to a character to hit them and throwing bombs. This troll showed up in previous chapters and is just as easy as the previous times. If anything this part is just to let the party heal up as there are health potions on platforms that only Puss-in-Boots can get to. This troll hits pretty hard, but goes down in 3 hits from a kicked back bomb.

The last stage that we got to is a pseudo fight. Fairy Godmother will come down to fight, but the fight stops after a little bit of her health is missing. The real part of the stage is when Ryan Seacrest shows up and makes a lame ass joke about Trolls and unleashes not 1, not 2, but 3 trolls onto the battlefield. We were probably just unlucky because 1 troll was throwing bombs while the other 2 came rushing at the party and easily took them all out every time. And that’s the end of our Shrek 2 journey.

In conclusion, play this game if you love Shrek or want to test the strength of your relationship. It’s a fun ride with friends, but it’s not the best game to play alone. Someone has to be there to share the rage and frustration. Most of the levels are pretty varied and no one level is the same. The music is rather whimsical and it’s clear that a good amount of effort was put into it. The cutscenes get worse the more you progress through the game and sometimes the AI will glitch out. Because we couldn’t finish the game, we found the credits in the menu and decided to watch it. It is fabulous and is better than any of the game’s cutscenes. Every name in the credits is accompanied by a renaissance caricature of the person and the background for the portrait is never the same. So the game is the same as the credits and the credits are the same as this review, far too much effort has been put into it.