#it started as an easy process and got progressively harder

[charlieswebb]

used the bad kids color palette to make pride flags 🌈

@dimension20official

[archaeren]

How I learned to write smarter, not harder

(aka, how to write when you're hella ADHD lol)

A reader commented on my current long fic asking how I write so well. I replied with an essay of my honestly pretty non-standard writing advice (that they probably didn't actually want lol) Now I'm gonna share it with you guys and hopefully there's a few of you out there who will benefit from my past mistakes and find some useful advice in here. XD Since I started doing this stuff, which are all pretty easy changes to absorb into your process if you want to try them, I now almost never get writer's block.

The text of the original reply is indented, and I've added some additional commentary to expand upon and clarify some of the concepts.

As for writing well, I usually attribute it to the fact that I spent roughly four years in my late teens/early 20s writing text roleplay with a friend for hours every single day. Aside from the constant practice that provided, having a live audience immediately reacting to everything I wrote made me think a lot about how to make as many sentences as possible have maximum impact so that I could get that kind of fun reaction. (Which is another reason why comments like yours are so valuable to fanfic writers! <3) The other factors that have improved my writing are thus: 1. Writing nonlinearly. I used to write a whole story in order, from the first sentence onward. If there was a part I was excited to write, I slogged through everything to get there, thinking that it would be my reward once I finished everything that led up to that. It never worked. XD It was miserable. By the time I got to the part I wanted to write, I had beaten the scene to death in my head imagining all the ways I could write it, and it a) no longer interested me and b) could not live up to my expectations because I couldn't remember all my ideas I'd had for writing it. The scene came out mediocre and so did everything leading up to it. Since then, I learned through working on VN writing (I co-own a game studio and we have some visual novels that I write for) that I don't have to write linearly. If I'm inspired to write a scene, I just write it immediately. It usually comes out pretty good even in a first draft! But then I also have it for if I get more ideas for that scene later, and I can just edit them in. The scenes come out MUCH stronger because of this. And you know what else I discovered? Those scenes I slogged through before weren't scenes I had no inspiration for, I just didn't have any inspiration for them in that moment! I can't tell you how many times there was a scene I had no interest in writing, and then a week later I'd get struck by the perfect inspiration for it! Those are scenes I would have done a very mediocre job on, and now they can be some of the most powerful scenes because I gave them time to marinate. Inspiration isn't always linear, so writing doesn't have to be either!

Some people are the type that joyfully write linearly. I have a friend like this--she picks up the characters and just continues playing out the next scene. Her story progresses through the entire day-by-day lives of the characters; it never timeskips more than a few hours. She started writing and posting just eight months ago, she's about an eighth of the way through her planned fic timeline, and the content she has so far posted to AO3 for it is already 450,000 words long. But most of us are normal humans. We're not, for the most part, wired to create linearly. We consume linearly, we experience linearly, so we assume we must also create linearly. But actually, a lot of us really suffer from trying to force ourselves to create this way, and we might not even realize it. If you're the kind of person who thinks you need to carrot-on-a-stick yourself into writing by saving the fun part for when you finally write everything that happens before it: Stop. You're probably not a linear writer. You're making yourself suffer for no reason and your writing is probably suffering for it. At least give nonlinear writing a try before you assume you can't write if you're not baiting or forcing yourself into it!! Remember: Writing is fun. You do this because it's fun, because it's your hobby. If you're miserable 80% of the time you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong!

2. Rereading my own work. I used to hate reading my own work. I wouldn't even edit it usually. I would write it and slap it online and try not to look at it again. XD Writing nonlinearly forced me to start rereading because I needed to make sure scenes connected together naturally and it also made it easier to get into the headspace of the story to keep writing and fill in the blanks and get new inspiration. Doing this built the editing process into my writing process--I would read a scene to get back in the headspace, dislike what I had written, and just clean it up on the fly. I still never ever sit down to 'edit' my work. I just reread it to prep for writing and it ends up editing itself. Many many scenes in this fic I have read probably a dozen times or more! (And now, I can actually reread my own work for enjoyment!) Another thing I found from doing this that it became easy to see patterns and themes in my work and strengthen them. Foreshadowing became easy. Setting up for jokes or plot points became easy. I didn't have to plan out my story in advance or write an outline, because the scenes themselves because a sort of living outline on their own. (Yes, despite all the foreshadowing and recurring thematic elements and secret hidden meanings sprinkled throughout this story, it actually never had an outline or a plan for any of that. It's all a natural byproduct of writing nonlinearly and rereading.)

Unpopular writing opinion time: You don't need to make a detailed outline.

Some people thrive on having an outline and planning out every detail before they sit down to write. But I know for a lot of us, we don't know how to write an outline or how to use it once we've written it. The idea of making one is daunting, and the advice that it's the only way to write or beat writer's block is demoralizing. So let me explain how I approach "outlining" which isn't really outlining at all.

I write in a Notion table, where every scene is a separate table entry and the scene is written in the page inside that entry. I do this because it makes writing nonlinearly VASTLY more intuitive and straightforward than writing in a single document. (If you're familiar with Notion, this probably makes perfect sense to you. If you're not, imagine something a little like a more contained Google Sheets, but every row has a title cell that opens into a unique Google Doc when you click on it. And it's not as slow and clunky as the Google suite lol) (Edit from the future: I answered an ask with more explanation on how I use Notion for non-linear writing here.) When I sit down to begin a new fic idea, I make a quick entry in the table for every scene I already know I'll want or need, with the entries titled with a couple words or a sentence that describes what will be in that scene so I'll remember it later. Basically, it's the most absolute bare-bones skeleton of what I vaguely know will probably happen in the story.

Then I start writing, wherever I want in the list. As I write, ideas for new scenes and new connections and themes will emerge over time, and I'll just slot them in between the original entries wherever they naturally fit, rearranging as necessary, so that I won't forget about them later when I'm ready to write them. As an example, my current long fic started with a list of roughly 35 scenes that I knew I wanted or needed, for a fic that will probably be around 100k words (which I didn't know at the time haha). As of this writing, it has expanded to 129 scenes. And since I write them directly in the page entries for the table, the fic is actually its own outline, without any additional effort on my part. As I said in the comment reply--a living outline!

This also made it easier to let go of the notion that I had to write something exactly right the first time. (People always say you should do this, but how many of us do? It's harder than it sounds! I didn't want to commit to editing later! I didn't want to reread my work! XD) I know I'm going to edit it naturally anyway, so I can feel okay giving myself permission to just write it approximately right and I can fix it later. And what I found from that was that sometimes what I believed was kind of meh when I wrote it was actually totally fine when I read it later! Sometimes the internal critic is actually wrong. 3. Marinating in the headspace of the story. For the first two months I worked on [fic], I did not consume any media other than [fandom the fic is in]. I didn't watch, read, or play anything else. Not even mobile games. (And there wasn't really much fan content for [fandom] to consume either. Still isn't, really. XD) This basically forced me to treat writing my story as my only source of entertainment, and kept me from getting distracted or inspired to write other ideas and abandon this one.

As an aside, I don't think this is a necessary step for writing, but if you really want to be productive in a short burst, I do highly recommend going on a media consumption hiatus. Not forever, obviously! Consuming media is a valuable tool for new inspiration, and reading other's work (both good and bad, as long as you think critically to identify the differences!) is an invaluable resource for improving your writing.

When I write, I usually lay down, close my eyes, and play the scene I'm interested in writing in my head. I even take a ten-minute nap now and then during this process. (I find being in a state of partial drowsiness, but not outright sleepiness, makes writing easier and better. Sleep helps the brain process and make connections!) Then I roll over to the laptop next to me and type up whatever I felt like worked for the scene. This may mean I write half a sentence at a time between intervals of closed-eye-time XD

People always say if you're stuck, you need to outline.

What they actually mean by that (whether they realize it or not) is that if you're stuck, you need to brainstorm. You need to marinate. You don't need to plan what you're doing, you just need to give yourself time to think about it!

What's another framing for brainstorming for your fic? Fantasizing about it! Planning is work, but fantasizing isn't.

You're already fantasizing about it, right? That's why you're writing it. Just direct that effort toward the scenes you're trying to write next! Close your eyes, lay back, and fantasize what the characters do and how they react.

And then quickly note down your inspirations so you don't forget, haha.

And if a scene is so boring to you that even fantasizing about it sucks--it's probably a bad scene.

If it's boring to write, it's going to be boring to read. Ask yourself why you wanted that scene. Is it even necessary? Can you cut it? Can you replace it with a different scene that serves the same purpose but approaches the problem from a different angle? If you can't remove the troublesome scene, what can you change about it that would make it interesting or exciting for you to write?

And I can't write sitting up to save my damn life. It's like my brain just stops working if I have to sit in a chair and stare at a computer screen. I need to be able to lie down, even if I don't use it! Talking walks and swinging in a hammock are also fantastic places to get scene ideas worked out, because the rhythmic motion also helps our brain process. It's just a little harder to work on a laptop in those scenarios. XD

In conclusion: Writing nonlinearly is an amazing tool for kicking writer's block to the curb. There's almost always some scene you'll want to write. If there isn't, you need to re-read or marinate.

Or you need to use the bathroom, eat something, or sleep. XD Seriously, if you're that stuck, assess your current physical condition. You might just be unable to focus because you're uncomfortable and you haven't realized it yet.

Anyway! I hope that was helpful, or at least interesting! XD Sorry again for the text wall. (I think this is the longest comment reply I've ever written!)

And same to you guys on tumblr--I hope this was helpful or at least interesting. XD Reblogs appreciated if so! (Maybe it'll help someone else!)

[phattiepheeder]

I just became a feedee. it's been about a month and it's been amazing but this week has by far been my favorite. my gut couldn't take what my feeder was feeding me and I have become severely constipated. I sit on the toilet and just strain and moan for hours. not a single piece comes out. my gut is so packed with shit I don't know how much more I can fit before exploding. But that's not even the best part, my feeder is still feeding me. on top of my already bloated stomach from the shit my stomach has to make room for the meal after meal I am stuffing into it. today my tummy has been grumbling like crazy. I tried once again to push the mass out earlier but after an hour of pushing until I got dizzy I gave up. this is the worst pain I have felt in my life but I am so turned on. tomorrow though I am using an enema and laxatives. I bet the toilet will be begging for mercy after I get done with it

Oh boy that sounds both extremely painful and erotic! I bet your newly fattening stomach must feel extra heavy from being so packed full. Looks like your feeder is doing a good job by pushing you to your limits but it’s also important to make room for more food so your feeding progress doesn’t stop.

As for the laxatives, god that is going to be such a relief. Sounds like you’re stuffed to the brim with shit and will surely clog that toilet with a fat pile. To avoid that I would suggest one of two things: taking it easy on the laxatives if you’re not used to them. It’ll give you a gentler release without all the cramping. Then, either sitting on a bucket or having a bag close by to empty into for when the gurgles and pressure start shifting downwards.

The second suggestion is to take a double or triple dose of laxatives to ensure everything inside you liquifies. It’s a lot harder to clog a toilet with liters of liquid rather than pounds of solid shit. This will just mean that you’ll need to stay by a toilet for most of the day as your bowels work overtime to expel all that fatty food.

I wish you all the best in the “birthing process”. Send me an update once your hole has recovered lol

[gourjenous]

Harmonizing Hearts || l.mark

You never expected your big break to come through an impromptu collaboration with a member of one of the biggest boy bands in the world. As an independent musician, you were known for your raw, soulful voice and deep, introspective lyrics, but finding a unique sound for your debut album was proving to be harder than you thought. You had been grinding for months, hopping from one studio session to another, trying to piece together the perfect track list, but something was missing.

That’s when your manager dropped the news—Mark Lee from NCT had heard about your work and wanted to collaborate on a track.

At first, you were stunned. Mark Lee? One of the most versatile rappers and songwriters in the K-pop world? The idea seemed too good to be true. You admired his work from a distance, his ability to switch between different musical genres effortlessly. But despite your respect for his talent, a seed of doubt planted itself in your mind. What could someone like Mark see in your music?

The first time you walked into the studio, the atmosphere was electric. Instruments were scattered around, with keyboards, guitars, and synths plugged in, and sheet music lay across the counters. The room smelled faintly of coffee and that distinct scent of fresh recording equipment. As you took in your surroundings, you felt a nervous flutter in your chest.

Mark greeted you with a warm smile, his laid-back, approachable demeanor putting you somewhat at ease. "Y/N, right? I’ve been listening to some of your tracks—super excited to work with you."

"Yeah, thanks," you replied, trying to match his enthusiasm, though your nerves were making your voice come out shakier than intended. "I’ve been listening to your stuff too. Your lyrics... they always hit hard."

He grinned, clearly appreciating the compliment. "I try," he said with a chuckle. "So, what do you want to start with? I’ve got some ideas, but I’m totally open to seeing where the music takes us."

The first few sessions felt more like feeling each other out than making actual progress. Mark was as talented and easy-going as you’d heard, but your creative approaches couldn’t have been more different. You were used to spending hours fine-tuning melodies, getting lost in the details of composition and harmony. Mark, on the other hand, thrived on spontaneity—he’d throw out ideas, test verses on the fly, and embrace the chaos of creativity. It was impressive, but it was also overwhelming for you, who tended to be more methodical in your process.

During one late-night session, after a few hours of back-and-forth over a song’s structure, the frustration started to bubble up.

"Mark, this chorus doesn’t work," you said, your voice more clipped than you intended. "It’s too fast, and it doesn’t match the mood of the verses."

Mark, sitting across from you with his guitar, raised his eyebrows. "I think it adds energy to the track. If we slow it down too much, it’ll lose its edge."

You sighed, running a hand through your hair. "It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to rush through this. We need to get it perfect."

"I get that," he replied, but there was a flicker of impatience in his tone. "But sometimes, you just have to go with the flow. Not everything needs to be overthought, you know?"

"Overthought?" you snapped, your frustration spilling over. "It’s called paying attention to details. We can’t just slap things together and hope it works."

Mark’s expression shifted, his normally relaxed demeanor hardening. "I’m not saying we’re slapping things together. But if you keep overanalyzing every note, we’re never going to get anywhere."

The room grew tense, the atmosphere crackling with the unsaid. You felt the sting of his words, but more than that, you were frustrated with yourself. You hadn’t meant to get so defensive, but the pressure to prove yourself was weighing heavily on your shoulders. Mark was already successful, already established. Meanwhile, you were still clawing your way to the surface.

"Look," Mark sighed after a moment of silence, rubbing the back of his neck. "I didn’t mean to come off like that. I just... I feel like we’re not on the same wavelength right now. Maybe we need to take a step back."

You nodded, swallowing your pride. "Yeah, maybe you’re right."

The session ended early that night, both of you leaving the studio in tense silence. You couldn’t shake the feeling of disappointment that clung to you as you walked home, your mind replaying the argument. You had wanted this collaboration to be perfect, but instead, it felt like everything was falling apart.

The next day, you debated canceling the session altogether, wondering if maybe this partnership wasn’t meant to be. But as the hours passed, you realized that walking away wasn’t the answer. You respected Mark too much to give up so easily, and deep down, you knew that the problem wasn’t him—it was your own insecurities.

When you arrived at the studio later that afternoon, Mark was already there, tuning his guitar. He glanced up as you entered, offering a tentative smile.

"Hey," he said, his voice softer than usual. "About last night... I think we both just got a little too in our heads."

You nodded, taking a seat beside him. "Yeah, I was feeling the pressure. I guess I let that get to me."

Mark set down his guitar and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "I get it. I’ve been there too. It’s hard, especially when you’re trying to put something out there that’s personal. But we don’t have to rush this. Let’s take our time, figure it out together."

His words eased some of the tension in your chest, and for the first time since you started working together, you felt like you were on the same page. Mark wasn’t just some idol who had everything figured out. He was someone who understood the struggle, someone who had been through the same challenges you were facing.

"Thanks, Mark," you said, meeting his gaze. "I appreciate that."

From that moment on, the dynamic between you two shifted. The pressure eased, and instead of butting heads, you started to find common ground. Mark’s spontaneity no longer felt overwhelming, and your attention to detail wasn’t a hindrance. Instead, you began to see how your strengths could complement each other. When you got stuck on a melody, Mark would jump in with a fresh perspective. When he wanted to push through a verse quickly, you’d remind him to slow down and focus on the emotions behind the words.

Late one evening, after hours of tinkering with a melody on the piano, you stumbled upon something special. You played a soft, delicate progression, and Mark’s eyes lit up.

"That’s it," he said, sitting up straighter. "That’s the mood we’ve been trying to capture."

You nodded, feeling the same spark of excitement. "Yeah, it feels... right."

Mark picked up his notebook, scribbling down some lyrics before passing them to you. The words were raw, vulnerable, and hit close to home. As you read through them, you realized they were about unspoken feelings, about finding love where you least expect it. The song was about emotions that had been bubbling beneath the surface for weeks, emotions you hadn’t even fully acknowledged until now.

The atmosphere in the studio shifted as the two of you worked on the song, your usual playful banter giving way to a deeper, more intimate connection. Mark’s voice was quieter than usual as he suggested changes, his fingers grazing yours as he passed you the notebook. Every touch, every glance, felt charged with something unspoken.

When the song was nearly finished, you both took a step back, listening to the playback. The soft melody you had created blended seamlessly with Mark’s lyrics, the music capturing the essence of everything you had been feeling—uncertainty, longing, and the thrill of something new.

"You know," Mark said after a long silence, "this song... it feels personal. Like, really personal."

You glanced at him, noticing the way his eyes lingered on yours. "Yeah. It does."

There was a beat of silence, the air between you thick with tension. Mark shifted in his seat, his hand resting on the edge of the piano. "I’ve been writing about something real," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "About us. About... how I’ve been feeling."

Your heart skipped a beat at his words. It was something you had felt too, but hadn’t dared to acknowledge. The long hours spent together, the laughter, the quiet moments where your eyes would meet across the room—it had all been building toward this.

"I’ve been feeling it too," you confessed, your voice soft. "I just didn’t know how to say it."

In that moment, the distance between you disappeared. Mark leaned closer, his gaze flickering to your lips before meeting your eyes again. There was a hesitation, a silent question, and when you nodded, he closed the gap, pressing his lips to yours in a gentle, tentative kiss.

Mark’s lips curved into a small smile, his eyes softening. "I guess the music said it for us."

The kiss was soft and slow, filled with all the emotions that had been simmering between you for weeks. When you finally pulled away, you couldn’t help but smile, the weight that had been pressing on your chest lifting.

"I guess we make a pretty good team," you said, your voice light

[howtofightwrite]

How “realistic” is too have a fat, unathletic, clumsy, cowardly character (think Samwell from GOT) become pasable at fighting if they put in the training? Aren’t just some people completely talenteless at it?

Talent is a concept that gets utterly mutilated by writers. Being untalented doesn't mean you can't learn, it just means that you'll have to put more effort into whatever you're trying to do.

A lot of writers use, “talent,” as a cheat to give their characters inexplicable skills. That's not how that really works. In most cases, when someone is, “naturally talented,” at something, it just means they commit to learning that new skill. It is advantageous, but it's not that they're automatically better.

Not having talent, simply means that you need to learn. You may need to work harder, you may need to put in more effort, but you can get there. Talent does not determine what you can or cannot do, just how easily it comes to you.

“Talent,” can also be an excellent excuse to stop when things get difficult. It's easy to step back from something and discourage yourself because you think you're untalented. The truth is, there comes a point when you're learning anything and progressing will become more difficult. That doesn't mean you should stop; it just means that it will take more effort to move forward.

Honestly, there's a bit of a mercy in hitting that point early on. As any former child prodigy can tell you, if you're used to things being easy, when the talent runs out, the kick-over into having to work for your improvement can be devastating.

Can you train in martial arts if you're fat? Yes.

Can you train in martial arts if you're not athletic? Yeah.

If you really commit to it, by the time you're done, you're probably going to be in good shape. Martial arts (and that includes military training) will include a lot of physical exercise. You can practice martial arts and remain heavy. That's a function of your metabolism and diet. However, that fat is likely to be a bit deceptive, as you'll probably be in pretty own good shape, just with a layer of fat on top of it.

Also worth remembering, that fat is actually useful in a cold climate, it's insulation, and portable energy reserves.

Can you clumsy? Maybe. Again, this something that training will address. Everyone's a bit clumsy when they first start engaging in a new physical activity. You learn, and over time, you deal with that.

Can you be a coward? Yeah. Fear of something that can, realistically, kill you is a rational response. Being afraid of dying is reasonable. Bravery is the ability to control your fears, as opposed to letting your fears control you. Like any other skill, this can be learned. Just because you cannot control a fear today does not mean you will forever under its thrall. In some ways, there's something a lot more commendable about a character who progresses into overcoming their fears, rather than living in denial.

None of these are deal breakers. They make the process of training harder, especially at the beginning, but if you're talking about someone with a real commitment to the training, none of this will stop them, or even meaningfully determine who they can be in the end.

-Starke

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[valeriefauxnom]

Random Thought Re. Bondforged Euden

So, Bondforged Euden was locked into Midgardsormr 0 for his shapeshift, as we all know (this is not a complaint, given Mid0's power!).

As such, he has one quote upon shapeshifting, which in English is,

Which is more or less verbatim from what I hear in JP, "Ikuzo, Midgardsormr!"

However, JP added an additional little tidbit to his whole shapeshift sequence. Specifically, when using Mids' skill in shapeshift, both Euden and Midgardsormr voice the line in complete unison.

That got me to thinking.

Is Bondforged Euden actually dracoshifting, instead of shapeshifting?

Now, I know it sounds like I'm throwing out words here, but yes, this was a concept in Dragalia, and I don't blame you if it doesn't exactly sound familiar.

We technically see it twice, as it is the explanation for how Alberius and Chthonius merged and stayed merged for so long, and it also serves as a way to amp up Leonidas.

While details are... spare (to put it mildly), aside from that, I think the implication of the notion of the 'dracoshift' is that it's more of a merge between the two for a time than just the human yoinking the form of their dragon for a bit.

That being said, I wonder if that's actually what's happening upon Bondforged Euden's shift, since the skill itself is called 'United Tempest' and the Japanese version has the both of them outright vocalizing together.

Pushing it one step further, I then would like to say that his regular attacks and skills are just regular shapeshifts, which is another wild thing. I've gone over the subtle evidence before that the whole pacting process and shifting isn't easy, and can be dangerous, but that just goes to show how far Euden has come, that he's constantly dipping in and out of a shapeshifted form just to make his attacks that much harder to resist/predict.

And then, when you factor in the fact that when he actually 'shapeshifts' he's really just taking it one step further to literally meld with Mids for a while, the fact that he has the energy at all to do any of that... It goes to show just how much stronger he is.

Interestingly, as a last thought I had on it, it's actually a gradual progression that was demonstrated through his other alts.

Most of the time, we see base Euden just shift once. Gala Euden starts mixing it up and sometimes shifts sequentially without even taking a breather between forms, as seen in his own story and in The Blood That Binds. And then we come to Bondforged, who is throwing out shapeshifts left and right and also finding the time and energy to merge with Mids quite a bit, since he's a very dragon-heavy user.

Kinda nuts, when you think of it that way!

[asha-mage]

Something I've been thinking about a lot as I play my current Sims 4 legacy challenge is how a lot of the negative criticism about The Sims 4 being to easy comes from critics and reviewers taking mechanics and even whole expansions in isolation, which is not really how the game is asking you to play it.

If you focus on any one specific aspect of TS4 to the exclusion of everything else it is in fact, a pretty easy game. But if you are trying to tell a story or allow one to naturally evolve, you are never going to be focusing on just one part of the game.

For example, in my current game I have four sims- two adults two children. Just juggling their needs and keeping everyone alive is not terribly difficult, but every layer beyond that you go it gets more and more challenging. As a result of my founder Sim picking the hot headed bad boy instead of the more stable family man (a choice made as a result of being more attracted to Bad Boy) the parents have a Unpredictable romantic dynamic and a Strained family dynamic, which means their pink and green bars are in a near constant state of free fall and it takes a lot of concentrated effort to keep them from fighting all the time and being miserable any time their around each other. They can't get a divorce though: because I need both their incomes and because it will get substantially harder to raise the kids in a one parent house hold, so instead their trapped in this endless cycle of me intervening to send them on a date to fix their shitty relationship and remember their each other's soulmates, being fine for a while, then slowly growing more and more miserable and unhappy with each other as they start fighting constantly, until I step in again, and save their relationship, again. I could just send them to relationship concealing fix all this but that takes money they do not have and it wouldn't be worth setting aside because this is ultimately cheaper (seriously, counseling costs like a thousand dollars per session and my criminal husband is taking home 170ish a paycheck!).

Meanwhile you have the kids. One just started being a teenager and that means she's constantly getting asked to do things, go places, and have those typical Important Teenage Experiences (board walk, sports day, career fair, prom, prom after party, etc). Again on it's own it wouldn't be to bad, but I have to pick and choose what high school experiences for her to have very carefully because I can't consonantly be tabbing away from my home lot to follow her and make sure she's getting the Most Out of Her Teen Years since that might mean her parents digging a relationship hole I'll never get them out of, or her toddler little brother's needs getting incredibly out of wack. I misjudged this balance initially because she got a Fear of Unfulfilled Dreams and she would often fall into an ennui doom spiral of bad moodlets related to her not missing out on life despite being like 16 (honestly? millennial icon). These bad moodlets where getting in the way of her socializing and school progress so I had to have her conquer that fear (it's own lengthy process) in order to get back on track. At the same time her little brother being first in infant and then a toddler, needs constant supervision and care from his parents- he can't go anywhere or do anything on his own, and if I let his needs slip to far away he's going to get yanked by social services, which absolutely can not happen because he's the heir to this challenge and since he's sister isn't a spellcaster I don't have backup plan for the next generation if he gets taken.

Did I mention yet that this is largely a spellcaster household? Cause see the overarching story line I'm going for is the rise (and possible fall) of a family of spell casters over several generations. And you might be thinking 'surely having phenomenal cosmic power makes all this easier' and you would be wrong. I frequently set things on fire when trying to magically repair them, overload on magical charge, and have to deal with my og Sim being cursed with everything from higher spell failure rates to being stalked by evil spirits. The curses especially are wild because in my efforts to Decrusify myself I ended up with a completely different unrelated curse from overloading during the spell. I can't just stop using magic either because it's my main sim's Aspiration meaning I need to keep grinding out those spell caster experience points- which leaves me in this feedback loop of trying to solve every problem with magic, it going horribly awry, needing more magic to dig myself out of the resulting hole, and that going horribly awry.

Honestly the only advantage of being a spell caster has been being able to make huge batches of chili in my cauldron and just leaving it there for family members to eat from when their on the go, since cauldron chili never expires. It's saved me tons of time that would otherwise be spent cooking meals, which has been a huge help since Everything Is Happening All of the Time.

All this to say is that while I understand where the complaints of The Sims 4 being to easy, I think it's a problem of framing rather then with the game itself. If you just set out to tell a story and then let it naturally evolve and twist, you'll find plenty of challenge- as each layer of the game adds it's own plate you have to keep spinning if you want to avoid peeing yourself in the street during an existential crisis.

[anabdaniels]

Flufftober 2023 with Agent Whiskey - Day 19- Showering

Paring: Agent Whiskey x Female Reader

Word counting: 850

Rating: Teen and up audiences.

Warning: Mentions of sex and post-partum blues.

A/N: This can be read as the part one of Cowboytober Day 19 (NSFW).

When the whole adrenaline of the moment had passed and you were home again, you were finally starting to believe that your baby was there and you couldn't be happier about how much your little girl looked like her father.

The pregnancy was hard, for sure, but the post-partum was certainly being a bit harder. You expected to get out of the hospital as if nothing had happened and take care of your baby without any problems, you just didn’t count on the unexpected c-section you had to go through when you stopped to have progress on your labor.

If you thought that Jack was an amazing husband before, now your admiration and appreciation for him just doubled. He was amazing with you during pregnancy and during the labor wasn’t different. Jack stood by your side during the whole process, giving you all the support you could ever ask for. Once you were cleared to go home, Jack got even more in the nurse mood.

The baby was already fed and asleep on her snoo, so you decided to take a shower, a decent one since the hospital shower wasn’t the best in the world. When you told that to Jack, obviously he didn’t allow you to move a finger to get everything you would need and accompanied you to the bathroom.

“Well, I think you can take a break from your caring services.” You said softly and proceeded to start to take off your nightgown, unable to contain a soft pain sound when you tried to lift your arms and felt a pinch on your c-section “Damn.” You mumbled quietly, moving your arms down.

“Honey, what’s necessary for you to take it easy?” Jack shook his head and approached you “Let me help you.”

“No.” you refused without flinching “There’s no way I’m getting naked in front of you.” You could see the totally confused expression on Jack’s face.

“I’m not following, sweetheart.” He admitted with a frown.

“Jack, have you forgotten that I gave birth two days ago through a c-section?” You raised one eyebrow.

“No, I haven’t. I just ain’t understanding what one thing had to do with the other.” His clueless expression didn’t let you doubt that he really wasn’t following.

“I’m looking horrible now. I imagine none of us want to ruin our future sex life.” You frowned slightly when he seemed even more confused after your explanation.

“Let me get this straight. Are you assuming that in the distant future, I’ll not feel attracted to you just because of a few body changes? That’s it?” he couldn’t disguise his disbelief while questioning it, making you wonder that maybe your assumptions truly were unfounded.

“Well, when you point it like that…” you tilted your head to the side, still pondering about it. Jack sighed and approached you, holding your face between his hands.

“You’re focusing on the wrong part of all this. Honeybee, you just gave birth to our little daughter, you gave me a family and you really think that I’d bother about such a basic thing like the mark of the c-section?” despite his disbelief about your assumptions, Jack sounded calmer than ever, caressing your cheeks gently. He imagined that you were going through a lot on your mind and that your hormones were all crazy, he’d never get mad with you in such a delicate moment, especially because of a simple thing like that.

“I thought you would.” You admitted slightly ashamed for having considered such a horrible thing about him.

“Well, then be aware that I’d never do that.” He said calmly and kissed your forehead “Now c’mon, I know you’re craving for a shower.”

“I had no idea how much I am.” You admitted with a soft expression “That shower in the hospital worked more like a dropper.”

“I’ll have to agree with you.” He chuckled, helping you get rid of your clothes and get into the shower.

You couldn’t hold back a satisfied sigh once the warm water ran over your hair and skin, making your whole body relax to the point you didn’t even remember about the remaining discomforts of the post-partum. Your usual soap never smelled better than at that moment, when you were finally enjoying a proper shower. Even with all your excitement, the soft pinch on your surgery reminded you that you had to take it easy, and then you just looked at your cowboy nurse, who was patiently waiting for you, resting on the sink.

“I’ll need a little hand here.” You said calmly and Jack approached you, already rolling up the sleeves of his shirt.

“Tell me, darling.” He waited for your answer with a soft smile.

“You’ll have to rub my back and, since you’re already here, you could wash my hair too.” You said calmly, relaxing even more when you felt his hands on your skin.

“Anything else, ma’am?” Jack looked at you with a playful smile, raising one eyebrow.

“Well, I’m quite hungry, so I’ll accept a little lunch once we get done here.”

Flufftober masterlist

[lacys-crochet-corner]

Queen Lilachina: Skirt Progress

Day 5-7

I took a few days off due to hand pain, but got back to work quicky.

Day 8

The length of the skirt is almost finished.

Day 9

Skirt length and border finished! Tomorrow I'll start on the internal ruffles - they give the impression of the gills on the underside of some mushrooms.

Day 10

I've started the internal ruffles and it is... a very long process. I'm quadrupling stitches, and will need to meander around that circle a few times before the length is finished.

Day 11

Finally finished the entire first row of the gills... this is going to be tedious.

Day 12-18

It took a MINUTE.

In the end, I love the look. But it took FOREVER.

Day 18-20

So I changed the pattern a bit, and made the drawstring internal instead of external. It'll be a little harder to tie, but I think it looks better. Nobody else might see it, but my brain sees only the drawstring on mine. I also made four panels with the drawstrings. So instead of having one that I tie, I have four. Front, back, left and right side.

It's seems pretty extra, but I have a digestive disorder and being able to let the pressure of a tie be distributed over four sections vs one is really important. Some days I can be pretty bloated, some days I'm not. So if I can adjust some place more than others, it puts less pressure on my stomach overall.

Day 20

Skirt (kind of) COMPLETE!

I've finished the edges and tucked must of the tails. I'm going to add some small beads or something to the bottom of all the drawstrings to held get ahold of them easier.

I might also add mushroom spots to the skirt, but I haven't decided yet. Luckily, that'll be quick and easy to do. I also might add some faux corset lacing to the front of the skirt and/or a bow on the back (a la Sailor Moon).

The thought about adding chains using the glittery yarn for a little hint of mycelium (stylized, above-ground mycelium, anyway.)

So, complete for now - but I'll be adding more detail as once the rest of the costime is done.

Hope you love it as much as I do!

Support the pattern creator!

[wickermayne]

Hiii!!!! 10. What's your favorite part about the fic writing process?, 4.How do you channel characters' voices and personalities?, 17.What's the most memorable comment or review you've received on one of your fics?, 24.What advice would you give to someone who wants to start writing fanfiction?

10. What's your favorite part about the fic writing process?

The conception of the diea/day-dreaming part haha. I'll get so many ideas randomly, especially when I chat with people on discord, we'll just go on tangents about fic ideas...and then I actually have to write it 😅

4. How do you channel characters' voices and personalities?

How do I do it...that's a hard question to answer. Honestly, I just like Naruto so much it feels kind of easy to characterize him for my fics. Now I'm not saying I do him perfectly. I like softening his flaws, polishing his imperfections but keeping them there, but it's always been straightforward to me. The other characters are harder but I try my best haha.

17. What's the most memorable comment or review you've received on one of your fics?

One that was funny that I can't forget is "sometimes we need smut that makes our heart orgasm" that had me crying haha.

Of course the longer comments I adore, the ones telling me they appreciate my writing or characterization or that they never liked a pairing until they read my fic. It's rare, but sometimes people do gush about my fics and it's awesome everytime!

24. What advice would you give to someone who wants to start writing fanfiction?

My first piece of advise would be to write! You can't plan forever, you've got to put the words down on (digital) paper!

Second is if you haven't written creatively before, your first couple of attempts probably won't be well written. Writing is a skill, you have to practice it, expecting greatness from the jump is foolhardy, but you shouldn't let that discourage you from writing. You'll get better with time and attempts!

Finally, I love the saying "perfect is the enemy of the good/perfection is the enemy of progress." I feel in fandom spaces, would be writers are so obsessed with their writing being 'perfect' that it never gets off the ground. We are doing this for fun! Just write, be happy, enjoy yourself, that's more than enough!

Thanks for the ask Dayeongi!

Ask Games Link

[not-xpr-art]

Digital art done without a tablet (art progress)

July -> September

thought I'd share this comparison cos I feel like it really shows how I've improved in the few short months I've been doing digital art without a tablet!

also figured this might be a good time to talk about my process with digital art at the mo, which might be helpful to anyone who hasn't got a graphics tablet of some kind lol?

with both of these I started the drawing in my phone's notes app (I did briefly try another app on my phone but I found it wasn't as easy to use as the notes app... I might try looking for other drawing apps though so if I find a good one I may make a post about it lol) before transferring that file to my usual art program (which is FireAlpaca, in case you didn't know!)

I have to scale up the image at this point which does make the line art look pixelated, though I don't dislike it as I think it can help give it a pencil-like quality! it's not ideal if you want to create neat and smooth lines, though, so bear that in mind!

I then make the sketch background transparent (make sure to draw on either a white or light grey background otherwise this can be tricky to do!) so I can add the paint layer behind the drawing. I also sometimes add the paint layer directly onto the sketch layer if I don't want the sketch to be in the final piece (this is no different from the way I paint digitally with a tablet, though, so I won't go into great detail here)

I paint with just my mouse (specially my laptop's mousepad, rather than a separate mouse btw) which yes, before you ask, is a very tedious process lol! it takes a lot to learn how to control the mouse, and I definitely haven't mastered it yet, but like all art related things, it just takes practise!! I will say that I have yet to figure out how to do really blended paintings with just my mouse, but for the more painterly style I've been doing recently, using the mouse works a treat!

another note is that you can't really get pressure effects when drawing with your mouse or finger (which is effectively where the harder you press, the thicker and/or darker the line is), but I've just been working around it since the very first digital artworks I ever did had no pressure opacity to them lol...

idk tbh this whole thing is a learning process for me which is simultaneously frustrating and very exciting, and I look forward to seeing how I progress in another few months lol!

...

finally, I thought I'd share this drawing from 2013 I did drawing with just my mouse and a comparison to one I did recently too! I didn't use a reference with either so it's a kinda janky looking eye, but I like to think I've made some sort of improvement in these 10 years lol

[hannibard]

"I'm choking from the taste (but I can't help but swallow)"

Pairings: Geraskier, Radskier

Summary: "There's too much at stake Geralt, it's not worth it. Go back to Kaer Morhen and forget about me."

"You're more than worth it Jaskier and I'll do anything in my power to get you out of this hell. Melitele help anyone who stands in my way."

Jaskier is taken by Radovid in the midst of his travels with Geralt and Milva. The Redanian king, changed from his recent ascent to power, is determined to get everything he wants, with Jaskier having the misfortune of being on top of the list. Jaskier spends time serving Radovid in the Redanian court, drowning in despair and losing parts of himself in the process, his only consolation being the knowledge that his friend was safe from the Redanian army due to his sacrifice.

Sometime after Geralt has united the north under his rule, he decides to pay a visit to Redania in the hope of reuniting with his bard. But Jaskier is not as he remembers, his psyche having been fractured in their time apart. Will the witcher be able to help him escape his tragic fate?

Inspired by the song "Poison" from Hazbin Hotel

Click here to read on Ao3

---

Chapter 1: How it all started

He had been traveling together with Geralt and Milva for a few months when they took him. The three had made good progress on their way to Nilfgaard, occasionally adding other skilled individuals that were willing to aid in their cause to their group, like the high vampire/surgeon Regis, and the possibility of reaching Ciri was becoming more apt with each passing day. Jaskier was, despite the sharp worry in his gut for the girl he had come to consider something akin to a daughter, relatively content.

Things were in no way easy, but at least he was (finally) at Geralt's side again. Plus, this time around he was actually able to pull his weight. Gone were the days of him being barely more than a burden that slowed the witcher down and made his life harder, as his role had been for the majority of their acquaintance.

(If life could give me one blessing-)

He had been by himself in some backwater village, because they needed to make money somehow and Jaskier was, despite all his faults, an excellent bard. His ability to be useful, even amidst such impressive individuals, filled him with pride. The others had made camp a few miles away in order to not draw attention. It was risky enough for Jaskier to make those semi-frequent appearances in the public eye, even with the new moniker he had adopted in his attempt to pass as different person. He had rarely traveled this far south in the past, so he wasn’t too worried about being recognized.

(it goes without saying that he avoided performing any songs from the vast repertoire he had created centered around his greatest muse, the White Wolf.)

His set was coming to an end, and he was looking forward to drinking an ale after gathering his earnings, before starting his long way back to his companions. He was in the middle of just that when he was approached by a hooded figure. They moved gracefully, weaving skillfully through the crowd before sitting down across the bard.

“Beautiful voice you’ve got there.” Their face was hidden in the shadow created by the hood, which was dark and modest, not carrying any identifiable markings.

Jaskier didn’t let his alarm show. “Thank you friend, I’m always one to appreciate compliments.” He took a long sip from his tankard methodically in a show of nonchalance.

The hooded figure cocked their head to the side and reached their hand out. “With talent such as yours, it’s a wonder you’re not more well-known Master…?”

Jaskier gave a bright grin, subtly wiping the sweat making its way down his forehead, and shook the stranger’s hand. Their grip was firm, and its hold lasted a bit longer than was considered socially appropriate. “The name’s Dandelion. And you are…?”

“A beautiful name to match the beautiful voice.” The figure avoided the question and tilted their head back so that their matching grin could be visible to the bard. Jaskier couldn't see their eyes, he had a nagging impression that he was being checked out from top to bottom. “Of course I can't neglect mentioning the beautiful appearance. Though if you don’t mind my humble opinion, I’d say there’s another name that would suit you more fittingly.”

The bard’s grin twitched ever so slightly. “And what would that be my dear fellow? Do say so.”

The stranger leaned forward. “Jaskier.” they said almost conspiratorially.

The bard’s smile fell all together, and he looked around with the corner of his eye. None of the inn’s patrons seemed to have heard, too busy drinking, eating and chatting loudly with each other. The innkeeper himself was curiously missing from the room.

“What do you want?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“If you want to find out then follow me and don’t make a scene. It wouldn’t benefit either of us.”

Jaskier gulped and slowly stood up. He made sure to grab his lute and not to let his nervousness show. “As you wish.”

They made their way outside, and as soon as they were out of people’s sight the stranger grabbed his arm with a strong grip that left no room for resistance, no matter how much Jaskier tried to pull away. They reached a building that stood tall in the periphery of the village, and the hooded figure surveyed their surroundings before opening the front door and pushing Jaskier inside. The force made the bard fall to his knees and he hissed in pain, his lute thankfully tucked safely against his back. He vaguely heard the door close and lock behind him just as he looked up, his mind too busy short-circuiting at the sight he came across.

“Hello darling.” said Radovid as he stood up from a makeshift throne, making his way to the bard and dropping to one knee in front of him. The newly-crowned king took Jaskier’s chin in one hand and gently stoked his cheek with the other, smiling gently. “Oh how I’ve missed you.” He said wistfully and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

Jaskier was left speechless, his brows furrowing together in confusion. He hadn’t seen Radovid since that fateful day in Aretuza after the Thanedd ball, in the midst of all the chaos. Their parting had been hopeful but it didn’t take long for Jaskier to hear about Radovid’s sudden enthronement, so he had resolved himself to the reality that their story would remain forever unfinished. His regret lessened more and more with the time he spent at his witcher’s side.

“Radov-, Y-your majesty, to what do I owe the honor of this, ah, sudden summons?” he said when he finally managed to make his mouth move.

Radovid’s eyes hardened almost imperceptibly at the bard’s term of address. He let out a defeated sigh and hung his head low. “I never once stopped thinking about you my dear, every day we spent apart was pure torture, and now that my reign has stabilized I though it was the perfect time to pay you a visit." He looked up and stared unblinkingly into the bards blue eyes. "Aren’t you happy to see me?”

Jaskier swipped his lips with his tongue, a motion that Radovid tracked hungrily. “Oh, I uh, I’m elated to see you, truly, but I’m just a tad confused. You see, your buddy over there that escorted me here, let’s just say they weren’t very gentle in their approach. In few words and with no offense, it left a lot to be desired. I was expecting to encounter some sort of Nilfgaardian general ready to chop my head off and not… you.”

Radovid huffed and offered a hand to Jaskier, helping him up. Now that Jaskier was somewhat over his initial surprise he was able to take in the king’s appearance. There were some subtle changes, like the short beard that had replaced his previously clean-shaven face, his once lean body seemed to have filled with muscle, but the biggest change, the one that made Jaskier’s breath catch in his throat, was in his eyes.

Before, Radovid’s eyes were like a window to his soul that only Jaskier had a key to, full of intelligence and softness, specifically towards his person, but now… Now his gaze was guarded. The only thing Jaskier could detect besides the current show of the king’s emotions, was darkness. It was something he was only able to decipher after his years of experience performing in countless courts and dealing with all sorts of people in his travels. It caused a chill to run down his spine.

“You don’t have to worry about Nilfgaard any more my love, you won’t have to deal with them ever again.” Radovid said as he patted down the outrageously large fur that hung from his shoulders.

Jaskier blinked rapidly a few times and raised his eyebrows. “What do you mean by that Your Majesty?”

Radovid looked at him as though he’d asked a very stupid question. “Redania’s power has grown vastly in recent months as I’m sure you’ve heard. Nilfgaard wouldn’t dare take a single step towards us. Also please cut all the ‘Your Majesty’s, our relationship has evolved beyond such formalities.”

Jaskier nodded tentatively “I’ve certainly heard about your accomplishments, but I don’t understand what that has to do with me.”

Radovid rolled his eyes in fond exasperation. “You’re coming with us silly.”

Jaskier’s heart was beating rapidly in his chest. He had been bombarded by shock after shock in such quick succession that he hadn’t been able to calm his racing mind in a minute.

“I appreciate the offer, truly, Your Majes- Radovid.” the bard quickly corrected his words after seeing Radovid’s face twist in displeasure. “But I’m afraid I have to decline. You see, I’m currently in the middle of a very important quest that I must see through to the end.”

The king’s eyes narrowed, his fists clenching at his sides. “So you’d choose that witcher over me? Even after everything he’s put you through? I could give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of, comfort and luxury beyond your wildest dreams, but you’d seriously rather continue following that monster like a lost puppy?”

The bard wasn’t happy with the name Radovid used to describe his dearest friend, but he let it go, choosing to focus on the matter at hand. “I’m sorry Radovid. It is what it is.”

A glimpse of hurt flashed in the king’s eyes and his shoulder’s slumped as he turned away from the bard. He took a few deep breaths before he straightened up again. When their eyes met once more, Radovid’s hardened gaze was filled with resolve. Jaskier waited with bated breath for his response.

“If you won’t come with me willingly… I’ll just have to bring you by force.”

Jaskier’s eyes widened and his blood ran cold. Before he was able to do anything, two guards surrounded him and grabbed his shoulders from each side. He thrashed wildly but it was for naught, the bard being much weaker than his captors. “No-, Radovid- please don’t do this, I’m begging you!” He asked desperately.

The king looked down at him with his chin up and an air of confidence surrounding him, for the first time appearing as ruthless and regal as his title implied.

“I’m afraid I can’t listen to you darling. One of the perks of being a king is that I can do and have whatever I wish for, and nobody can stand in my way.” He waved his hand towards the bard nonchalantly as he addressed his followers. “Bring him a pen and paper. Have him write a letter to the witcher and deliver it to the innkeeper. He’ll know what to do.”

The guards dragged Jaskier towards a desk and deposited him in a chair, writing tools bring placed on the surface before him a moment later. His hand was shaking as he picked up the pen. A tear slid down his cheek as he tried one last time to change the king’s mind. “Please Radovid... Let me go.”

The king crossed his arms and his mouth formed a tight line. “That’s ‘Your Majesty’ to you.”

Jaskier let out a sob and stared down at the paper, blinking rapidly in an effort to clear his blurry eyesight. His mind was racing trying to find a way to leave some sort of secret message to alert Geralt of his situation. Radovid seemed to read his thoughts however, because he gripped the bard’s nape tightly and leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Don’t even think about pulling any tricks or your dear witcher and the rest of your group will leave their last breaths at the camp they’re currently stationed on. My soldiers have the place surrounded as we speak.”

With those words the bards last hope was extinguished. The last thing he wanted to do was put his friends in danger. Even with their combined extraordinary strength, he didn’t want to chance either of them getting seriously injured. If obedience was the price to pay for their safety, then so be it.

“At least promise me you’ll leave them alone.”

Radovid gave a chaste kiss to the bard’s neck and ran what would be considered under normal circumstances a comforting hand down his back. “You have my word. I didn't care about them in the first place.” He gave the bard one last squeeze and went to sit back in his throne.

Jaskier took a deep breath and started writing. The single tear that hit the paper, while certain to be identifiable with the witcher’s heightened senses, would probably be assumed to have been a product of Jaskier’s typical sentimentality and nothing more.

Dear Geralt,

You’ll find me dearly saddened to inform you that our long-standing companionship must come to an end. You see, I’ve had time to think while staying in this lovely little settlement away from you lot, and I've come to realize what it is I truly want. That of course being king Radovid of Redania. I’ve talked to you about our ill-fated relationship before as you might recall. Somehow, things for us two don’t seem as bleak as they one were. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and thus I’ve decided to go to Redania and try to build a future with him. Love conquers all and the like.

For the first time in my life, I’m putting myself before you. I’m choosing my own happiness. I hope you’re able to achieve your goals and manage to locate Ciri safe and sound. When you do, which I've no doubt you'll achieve, give her all my love. Please inform the rest of our group about my decision. I’m sorry for doing this so suddenly but you know how matters of the heart can be. They leave no room for patience.

Ever your affectionate friend,

Julian Alfred Pankratz.

[youkaitwig]

Right... So. I'm Twigy or Zoey or Lilith. All are fine, kinda use them all interchangeablely these days. I'm a transfeminine genderfluid person. Have a preference for She/Her or They/Them but don't mind neo-pronouns. Just... no masculine ones, please.

So. Realising I was trans was a bit of a nightmare. Small rural-ish town meant that I wasn't really exposed to much in the way of anything LGBTQA. While I had thoughts of being a girl when I was young, I legitimately thought everyone had thought like that. So for years there was just this silent thought in the back of my mind. "What if I was a girl?" Little did my kid self know.

I didn't really address it until I was in my late teens. I always hated how I looked and tried a bunch of ways to try and make it work. Never did. Around this time, I also got into a few things and kinda... stopped caring if people saw my hobbies and likes as effeminate. Even looked into potentially crossdressing but it didn't go anywhere because trying to source clothing back then was even harder as I didn't know sizes nor any good stores.

I also entered a relationship with another guy online but... that's honestly something I look back on with a little pain these days. A lot of this time is honestly a muddled mess in my head. But I think it was my later teens to early adult years when I finally made that connection.

That I was most likely transgender and have been suffering from gender dysphoria for quite awhile. So while I was figuratively and kind of literally in the closet in my real life, my online presence changed a good bit. I came out and.. well kinda didn't do a whole lot. Most of the communities I'm in were already positive on the LGBTQA front so it was an easy transition in that sense.

But... oh boy. Trying to get any progress to transition in a physical state? It took multiple years and the realisation that my prior GP was pretty much dicking me around to get any progress regarding it. Been two years since I got mess sorted.

But I kinda only really started to really put in effort to changing about a year back. A bit of envy during a spiral of depression set it into motion. Started to kinda.. Figure what makes me into me. But the thing is?

I don't know. I'm trying to piece together a puzzle without a solution. But the more I thought and the less it made sense and the less my identity even made sense. But then I kinda realised something.

I've always been trying to rebuild from what I once was. What I was metaphorical broken of. When I had that revelation, I realised that I might be genderfluid because there are days and even weeks that I genuinely do feel that I fit more into the definition of non-binary. It's always been there. Like how I'm also female on others. It was this that I stopped looking at the pieces of my broken self and started to do something.

I started anew. While I had done a few things like getting piercings and my hair dyed. I started changing more. More piercings I would never thought I would ever get. Clothing that I would never thought I would own. And even getting confirmation that I have ASD.

So I exist here. Still trying to rebuild myself once more. But from a fresh start. It's kinda rough honestly because I still don't fully understand... Well, me. It's a slow process but one I am getting through.

[what-if-nct]

hiiii today's reminder is I'm sad again who's surprised why can't I have one nice week and it's Monday how is it Monday and I'm already having a shit week and why is making a resume the most soul crushing thing there is like why are there so many hidden rules why can't I just say "hey this is what I've done let's talk more in person" why do i need all the secret codes for recruiters to even glance at my profile like i really need a new job and i haven't even really started the job hunting process until I've updated my resume but I'm already so close to giving up but then what? not work? be financially dependent on my retired/nearly retired parents?? or worse, stay at this job where they've definitively shown I'm completely replaceable and they don't care about my career progression at all?

I know I'm venting and i just need to get off my ass and do it but it just sucks so much and i hate it and i kinda wanna cry but I've cried so much this past week i think I'm all dried out but I'm still sad and can't do anything about it and ugh

Hii, Oh honey, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time now. Resumes are confusing and the gymnastics to even get yours noticed is ridiculous and unfair especially when you have everything else that matters. Try not to be too hard on yourself, sometimes getting the motivation to actually do something just requires more energy than you have to expel. Just breathe and tackle everything one step at a time. I know everything feels like it's crumbling all at once and it's like you can't breathe or make a single step. Just breathe take a step back just give yourself one day of trying your best to not think about it which I know is harder than it sounds. Then when you return to everything you have to do start with the small stuff first. It's just something I do when something overwhelms me. But for the most part go easy on yourself. You have enough time just breathe and remember you will be okay, it may not feel like it now but you will. You've got this. You're so much stronger than you even realize. I send you the biggest hug.

[beinfriends]

Although Tazmily has fully recovered their memories and have had one to two full years (depending on when each villager in particular recovered their memories) to work through it, I think it's still really hard for a lot of them. The villagers are doing much better than they were at the initial point of remembering. Whether they allowed the memories to recover naturally or opted to recover them all in one sitting with the Egg of Light, it was extremely hard for people to cope with this rush of memories and all the trauma that came with it.

Even beyond escaping the end of the world and knowing that their families and friends are all dead, the world before Nowhere was a deeply broken one. A lot of Tazmilians probably had experienced some form of trauma even prior to the war breaking out and everything going to hell in a handbasket, and that was trauma they never got to process, let alone the fresher trauma of, again, losing everyone they knew and loved, save for if they made it with you to Nowhere-- and quite a few made it to the White Ship, but then perished there due to illness or injuries, leaving behind single family members to pick up the pieces upon reaching Nowhere.

The one solace the town generally had was knowing that everyone else was dealing with the same thing to some degree. They'd all faced similar traumas and losses, but there was a lot of shame attached to people, which made it harder for many to cope with. Tazmily isn't good at dealing with negative emotions, never was, though a lot of villagers have gotten better about it. But they came from a world that did not value human life at all, let alone someone as an individual, their thoughts, feelings, and desires; people didn't have the tools to process emotions all that well unless they were lucky enough to have a good family or good friends. Even then, it was hard.

So, returning to their horrible memories, ones they were never allowed to process-- or never allowed themselves to process-- was extremely hard. People could at least typically turn to their loved ones, usually spouses, but it wasn't easy to discuss. It still isn't for many of them. The only person people felt comfortable fully venting to most of the time was Leder. Leder was the one who remembered it all for them, and had promised to guide them through this process of recovering their memories. And he did, he kept his promise. Leder is someone who is so easy to talk to, and many turned to him for advice when they didn't know how to process the losses that were now fresh in their minds.

Leder kept a lot of people sane during that hard year. Eventually, the depression, rage, anxiety, guilt, and everything else started to fade. They returned to a more normal life as they finally were allowed to address what was there, to whatever degree that may be. But I think the trauma is going to be hard for them to deal with forever-- understandably so. That shit doesn't leave, especially because it's arguable that most, if not essentially everyone who came to Nowhere on the White Ship likely has some form of PTSD.

People have gotten back to normal, but have they fully processed? Can they think about people in their past without crying or having a meltdown about it? Is every memory not tinged with sadness and pain? I'm not so sure about that. Tazmily's trauma is a work in progress to this day. People try to live in the moment, they've accepted the horrible and strange way they all came together, but it won't ever be the same again. I think they're ultimately better off having learned, however. That is why Leder revealed the truth to them-- because he knew that it was necessary for Tazmily to grow and to learn from their past mistakes more fully.

It wouldn't solve things, but I feel like Tazmily needs one good day where they all allow themselves to speak openly what happened to them, to cry together, to commiserate and understand what connects them all. Tazmily, as Leder said, is the town many of them wished they could've grown up in. Many of them were born into some form of the cycle of abuse, and Tazmily was their ticket out, their one shot at removing that cycle.

A lot of people are uncomfortable reckoning with the sort of people they became during the Pigmask occupation. A lot of them came to cruelty easily, returning to the cycle of cruelty and hatred for the Other that Eagleland and other nations had. That same cruelty many of them had been the victims of. Tazmilians overwhelmingly worked hard to move past that and do better after the cataclysm, and those efforts genuinely paid off. People really, really tried to be better, and Tazmily became kinder again. But I can't imagine, having worked on yourself in that way, suddenly being reminded of the world you came from that acted just like you did, albeit on a much, much larger and harsher scale.

But it must hurt so much, knowing that you senselessly perpetuated the persecution that poisoned the world before. I don't know how many of the villagers have actually thought about that, but if some have-- I could see people like maybe Ollie, Abbot and Abbey, Paul and Lin, so on realizing that-- and being crushed. Even if they themselves had not directly been harsh, even if they only had allowed it to slide, it still hurts.

Recovering the memories of the past has reinvigorated people's need to break the cycles of cruelty, abuse, and hatred, though. I think all of these things can turn into something good, ultimately. Humanity is not inherently evil. The Tazmily villagers are not inherently bad, or cruel, nor are they doomed to be that way forever. They've already proven themselves to be people who can learn, and these hard lessons, the ones of the White Ship and the ones of the Pigmasks, will stay with them. But, God, it'll never be fully solved if people can't allow themselves to be vulnerable and to fully unpack everything they've gone through.

Tazmily is trying so, so hard. And that counts for a lot. They've done a lot of work already, but I don't think most of them have ever felt fully comfortable being vulnerable or open about everything they went through. There's so much potential love and understanding in Tazmily, if only they'd allow themselves to have that. One can only hope they can continue processing and reckoning with the aftermath of all that's happened, and for the better. I think that's deserved.

[loominggaia]

What if Evan got lycanthrope lunacy?

Huh, that sounds like a good horror story prompt...

Evan does everything in his power to avoid lunacy. He drains the blood from meat before he eats it and refuses to eat it raw, even though he craves it. He constantly pushes away violent intrusive thoughts instead of indulging them. He carefully manages his anger. He refuses to indulge his lycanthrope paranoia as much as possible. He even shaves his face three times a day and keeps his hair shaved close to his head so he doesn't look like a lycanthrope.

The more one indulges their lycanthrope urges, the further their disease progresses. The paranoia becomes more intense. The violent thoughts become harder to ignore, and the bestial urges become harder to resist. Once it progresses far enough, a lycanthrope will suffer violent hallucinations and will be unable to control their bloodlust. Their ability to communicate breaks down. They become quick to anger. They'll eventually become cannibalistic and behave more like an animal than a person.

If Evan's lunacy did take over, I imagine it would be a long, slow process considering how hard he resists it. It would sneak up on him, and I think that would actually be worse than a sudden shift because it would go unnoticed until it passed the point of no return.

Evan is beloved by his community. His undying loyalty, acceptance towards others, and selfless kindness has earned him the trust of everyone around him. Even people who usually trust no one (Skel, Zeffer, Javaan...) trust him.

Between his angelic reputation and the slow progression of his disease, no one would suspect him when bad things started happening in the Hollow. He'd literally get away with murder for a long time.

I feel like Lukas would be his first victim, simply because of how much time they spend together. One minute they're hanging out at Lukas' house, and the next minute Evan is biting his throat out. It's a quick kill, and Evan spends the rest of the night devouring the evidence, bones and all.

Maybe he feels remorse, or maybe the disease has taken those feelings from him. Maybe his delusions are telling him this was for the best. It says, "You didn't kill Lukas, you just made him part of you. Now you'll be together forever! This is what he wanted! He's happier this way! :)"

But part of Evan is still resisting this disease, and though his mind is muddled, he still aware enough to know his community won't understand what he's done. He knows he has to hide this from them. When they notice Lukas is missing, he plays dumb and sends them all on a wild goose chase to "search" for him.

One by one, random villagers and crewmen meet the same fate over a period of months. Whoever Evan manages to isolate late at night gets chomped. There is no rhyme or reason to the kills, no patterns to follow. It seems completely random, which confuses the villagers. People are starting to freak out. They point their fingers at everyone except Evan as tensions grow.

I feel like Isaac would be the one to finally catch him in the act. One tiny shred of Evan's humanity is still rattling around inside him, and deep down he's relieved that he's been caught. Now his reign of terror is over. He says nothing to Isaac and keeps eating the corpse in front of him, and in that moment Isaac knows he can't be saved. Isaac uses the Divine Executioner to put him out of his misery like a rabid mongrel.

The end?

So...yeah, basically what I'm saying is, indulging his lycanthropy is the worst thing Evan could possibly do. Lunacy something he fears more than death itself, and it's easy to see why. It would only end in tragedy for himself and everyone he loves.

Contrary to popular belief, Lycanthropy isn't a cool disease to have. In the World of Looming Gaia, it's considered a terrifying curse.

*

Questions/Comments?

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