#it reminds me of spring so much and how my mom always played this in the car when i was little :-( i need to make a

[makingmoviesoncassette]

someone saved my life tonight sugar bear (sugar bear...) you almost had me in your hooks didn't you dear you nearly had me roped and tied altar bound hypnotized sweet freedom whispered in my ear you're a butterfly and butterflies are free to fly fly away high away bye bye (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...)

[cleoluvrr]

black magnolias III - rafe cameron x reader

i gave you all my light, and i got nothing to show for it

WARNINGS: mature content; domestic violence, coercion, classism, religious trauma, manipulative behavior, stalking, toxic relationship, blackmail

masterlist

series masterlist

you let yourself fall into a routine of work and studying for your finals, ready for summer to come and take away at least some of your worries. your job would be full of tourons ready to blow their vacation money on whatever they could fit in their hands and you’d have more hours to be available.

the pogues had been blowing up your phone since you left that day, begging you to come back so you guys could work it out. all of their numbers were muted until further notice, and jj was blocked. it was for the best, you thought. if they wanted to work it out that bad, they knew where to come find you.

your job was amazing; a boutique on figure eight where both locals and tourists frequented. magnolias was owned by a sweet, older black woman, miss josephine, who grew up in the cut just like you, working as a tailor alongside her mother. her mother long dreamed of having a store of her own to sell her designs, though it never a possibility back then. however, when the opportunity presented itself, miss josephine bought the boutique just for her mother. it was the first black owned business on this side of the island, and the story always brought a smile to everyone’s faces.

“you remind me a lot of my younger self, y’know.” she would always say. it made your heart swell for her to see herself in you, for her to talk about how much potential you had. 

you’d known her since you were a girl, always walking by her store and staring into the window on the way home from school.  the employees on the other side of the glass wearing handmade uniforms, the fifties aesthetic enchanting to your young mind. the blush pinks and whites caught your eye, the vintage look of the clothes inside tugging at your soul in a way that made you think it was your destiny to work at this store.

so, when the opportunity presented itself, you took it. it was going on your fourth year at the store and you had no plans on leaving anytime soon. magnolia’s was the reason you decided to stay close by for school, choosing something only an hour’s drive away so that you could still work there.

miss josephine had been more of a mother to you than the woman that gave birth to you, at least in recent years. she was more understanding and less judgemental than your mom could ever be. instead of drugs or partying, the store was your escape.

as you tidied up a table that had been picked at by customers throughout the day, the sound of the bell at the door chiming caught your attention.

“hi, welcome to magnolias!” your customer service voice was chipper and sweet as you greeted whoever entered the shop behind you. rnb music played from the speakers above, the soft music filling what would be awkward silence throughout the store. 

heavy footsteps approached, hard-bottomed shoes clicking against the wooden floor with each step. the smell hit you first; the expensive cologne giving away your guest before their mouth even opened to speak. you froze mid-fold, fingers stiff around the fabric in your hands.

“so,” rafe said. “you do still work here.”

slowly you turned to meet his face, a million thoughts racing through the fog your brain produced anytime he got too close. 

the khaki slacks he wore fit nicely, the material showing off the muscles of his toned thighs. his biceps strained against the sleeves of his shirt as his arms crossed in front of his chest. the man had a golden tan, the late spring sun serving his skin well the past few weeks. it was clear that he’d had a haircut not too long ago, the cropped hair shorter than it was the last time you saw him at the beach. you wanted to reach out and run your hands over it like you used to. you wanted–

jesus, forgive me.

the thought was fleeting as you stopped yourself from letting your mind travel any further.

“what are you doing here?” you tried your best to keep a smile on your face, not wanting to raise an alarm to your coworkers.

rafe tilted his head at you, a lopsided, mischievous grin gracing his lips.

“am i not welcome here?”

no

“i didn’t say that.” the words came out of your mouth faster than you could form them. you didn’t want your boss to overhear you, the woman always lurking around where you couldn’t see her.

His brows raised, waiting patiently to hear your explanation.

“it’s just…you’ve never been in here.” your voice was soft, only loud enough for him to hear. “and this is a women’s clothing store.”

he shrugged. the tall man’s eyes fell from your face, the icy-hot feeling of them taking in your uniform-clad body giving you chills.

“nice dress.”

“it's my uniform.” the response came out harsher than you meant but you didn’t feel the need to correct it. “is there something i can help you with? or are you just here to bother me?”

the music substituted his words for a response as you were met with silence from the blonde, his eyes still traveling the length of your figure. your throat bobbed as you swallowed thickly, the sound of saliva traveling down your esophagus echoing in your head.

rafe took two steps forward and you took one step back, the second one blocked by the table behind you bumping into the back of your legs. his eyes landed back on yours, something hidden behind the familiar blues.

“rafe–”

“why don’t you show me around?” his head swiveled around to glance at the front of the shop where you stood before focusing on the hall in the distance that led deeper into the store. “what’s back there?” he nodded in that direction.

“clothes.” you smiled curtly, trying your best to look like you were giving your best customer service. 

some of your coworkers had now started sneaking glances towards you and rafe, a few of them lingering just within earshot to listen in on the conversation.

letting out a breathy chuckle and extending his arm, he directed you away from the table.

“why don’t you show me?”

the two of you stood there in a silent standoff for a few moments, the muscle in your chest pumping blood at a pace you weren’t sure it could handle for much longer. you finally gave in after a long thirty seconds, eyes rolling as you slid past him to walk down through the decorated hallway.

rafe asked you so many questions. every display you passed he would stop to stare at the mannequins like the two of you were at the smithsonian museum, the man treating you like a tour guide and making you explain everything to him.

people were giving you puzzled looks, the sight of rafe cameron sifting through frilly pink skirts leaving them just as confused as you were. you lost track of time at some point; so much so that when you finally glanced at your watch you gasped at what was displayed.

your shift was over.

“well,” you cleared your throat to capture his attention. “it’s time for me to go, so…if you plan on buying anything just let one of my coworkers know.”

rafe didn’t get the chance to protest before you left him on his own in the depths of the store. it was rude, sure, but you had to get away from him. 

you felt like you were suffocating.

much to your surprise, and dismay, rafe had not departed after you announced the end of your shift. you nearly stumbled over your shoes when you stepped outside and found him leaning against the side of his truck. he smiled at you, arms uncrossing as he pushed off the vehicle and stepped towards your frozen frame.

“why are you here?”

“you sure ask that a lot, y’know?” his nimble fingers reached up to freshly shaven face. he wore a ghost of a smile as he looked down at you, still dressed in your uniform.

you gripped the sides of your dress, the skirt wrinkling under the force of your hands. 

“need a ride?”

that was the absolute last thing you were expecting to come out of his mouth. brows shooting up in surprise, you eyed him suspiciously. your tongue ran over the front of your teeth as you looked him up and down. it was his turn to go under inspection.

“why would i get in a car with you?”

he opened the passenger side door, presumably for you to take a seat inside. you didn’t budge.

“cause you need a ride.”

“i can find a ride…actually,” you loosened the grip on your skirts, palms opening to smooth out the lines left behind. “i would rather walk–”

“get in the car, y/n.” the smile was gone now, his voice sharper as he urged you to take his offer. he was never truly asking if you wanted a ride, he was giving the illusion of a choice.

a scoff rose from your throat. the audacity of him was almost funny to you.

“i’m not getting in a car with-”

there was hardly time to react before he was on you, a stong hand wrapped around your forearm as he roughly guided you to his truck. your instinct to fight against him was smothered by the shock of his manhandling, the sound of a car door slamming snapping you out of your disoriented state. 

your jaw dropped as you watched rafe come around the front of the vehicle and enter the drivers side. there was no time to open the door before rafe was speeding off from the front of magnolia’s, the revving of his engine making the seat vibrate beneath you. 

“rafe!” you said after you gathered the words from your jumbled up mind. “you can’t do that! that’s like…th-that’s kidnapping!”

the older man laughed dryly, head thrown back dramatically before landing back on the road. 

“i’m giving you a ride home-”

“you manhandled me!” you interrupted. was he being serious? “and i said ‘no.’ that’s the definition of kidnapping.”

he cooly looked at you, the expression on his face completely different from the one he had just a few minutes ago when he forced you into his car. 

“you’re being dramatic.”

exasperation was all you felt, the emotion filling you the brim as you stared at him with wide eyes. you pulled out your phone and clicked on a green icon, fingers ready to type out three numbers that would likely do you no good, but it was worth the try.

“i’m calling the police.”

before you could press enter the device was snatched from your hands. you watched rafe shove it into his pocket furthest from you, head shaking side to side as he denied you any contact to the outside world for the remainder of your time with him.

“no you’re not.”  he stopped at a red light and took the opportunity to look at you once again. his eyes were piercing and sparked a feeling of intimidation in the deepest pit of your stomach. “we’re gonna talk.”

you knew that you guys would have to have a conversation eventually, you just never thought it would be so soon.

honestly, you hoped that you could avoid it at all costs, but that wasn’t realistic. kildare was a small island and you were bound to run into each other eventually. it was surprising that you were able to circumvent him for as long as you did, but you knew there was always a risk stepping into figure eight. seeing him at the beach was unexpected, and you never thought that he would show up at your job like that.

you folded your arms across your body snugly, still feeling unsure about being in such close proximity to him.

“you, uh, y-you really did me wrong, y/n.” it was obvious that the thought of what transpired all those months ago still angered him deep down, but he held on to whatever was bubbling up inside of him.

you gulped, afraid of what he would say next.

“it’s hard for me to–to trust people…you know that.” rafe continued, head turning briefly to confirm he had your ear. “i trusted you.” he sniffed instinctively, fingers coming up to wipe his nostrils. it had become a habit of his; even after giving up the blow.

you hummed in response, unsure of what to say.

“i trusted you and y-you…you broke that. you broke my trust for those pogues–”

“those pogues are my friends.” your eyes were sharp as razor blades as you stared him down from your place in the car. “i’m a pogue, rafe.”

“see–i’m trying…i-i’m trying to talk to you and you’re just..you’re just snapping at me.” he said. your lip curled up in disgust but you went quiet once again, reluctantly allowing him to finish. 

rafe took a long pause before he continued his speech, jaw ticking in annoyance from you reminding him of your social status.

you hated how he talked about pogues, especially since you were one yourself. he could pretend you were different as much as he wanted, but you both knew the truth.

“but i can admit that i’ve done you wrong, too.” the words sounded painful, but he got them all out without stopping or stuttering. “i can admit that i wasn’t there for you when i should’ve been, so it’s my fault that this happened in the first place. at least–a little bit.”

you tore your eyes away from the window to face him, the flesh of your bottom lip stuck between your teeth as you worried it. you couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

this was the most accountability he’s ever taken in the time that you’ve known him–it was the only time he’s ever taken accountability, actually.

“i’m trying to be better–i want to be better.” rafe looked at you and you could see that he was being genuine. “so–so you don’t have to forgive me; not right now. but i…i forgive you.”

 still unsure of what to say to him, you blinked. you released your bottom lip from the wrath of your teeth, flesh swollen and pink from the abuse.

rafe’s eyes flicked down to your mouth, drawing in a deep breath before forcing himself to keep them on the road. your own gaze followed his and you were shocked to see your house at the end of the cul-de-sac, rafe slowing to a stop outside of it. your mother was home, her white sedan parked in the gravel driveway.

“i was serious when i said you can always come back.” he turned off the car, letting the engine die before turning his body to face you fully. he looked strangely soft, something he rarely let himself be around you in the later years of your crumbling relationship.

“what is there to come back to, rafe?” you finally spoke after letting him sit in silence for a few minutes. the sun was beginning to set behind your hours, the golden light dimmed by the tinted windows of rafe’s truck. still it reflected into the man’s eyes, the color enhanced by the star’s shine.

he blinked at you, long lashes brushing against the tops of his cheeks. you sighed and reached a hand up to scratch at the nape of your neck.

“my friends would hate me. i can’t just ignore the stuff you’ve done to them.”

“what have they ever done for you?”

“they were there for me when you weren’t rafe!” you snapped at him. “you were never there when i needed you.”

he palmed over his buzzed hair frustratedly, head shaking side to side in…confusion? denial? you weren’t sure.

“and i’m sorry for that, really, i am. i’m here now, though. alright?” rafe extended an arm over the divider to place a hand on yours, his fingers squeezing in a way that was supposed to be reassuring.

you released a heavy breath from your nose, head leaning back against the window as you stared at your ex-boyfriend across from you. you didn’t remove your hand from his; the warmth was comforting in a way that made you feel guilty.

“where are they anyway? your ‘friends’?” 

“we aren’t talking right now,” your voice was barely audible. “not that it’s any of your business…”

he tsked at you, disapproval clear from his demeanor. 

you moved to open the car door, free hand pulling on the handle. rafe held you back with the hand still in his grip. his eyes were deep and serious as they swallowed you whole.

“you still have my number?” you nodded hesitantly, not wishing to admit it. his head moved up in down in tandem with yours. “i’ll always pick up the phone. you come to my house; i’ll always open the door. okay?”

slowly he released your hand, taking your silence as understanding.

you watched from your porch as the dark truck pulled off from your home, the vehicle turning into a dot the further away it got. the phone in the pocket of your dress was heavy with the weight of a ten-digit number that had been collecting dust for almost a year. it weighed heavy with the unanswered messages of the friends that you hadn’t spoken to in weeks.

[amoreva]

FEIGNING FOR YA

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CHAPTER 3

pairing: luke castellan x fem!reader

summary: easter with your family sucks and since when can Luke read you so easily

warnings: not proofread! slow burn, college au, smau, fake dating to dating, cursing, aged up! pjo charcters, parental expectations

a/n: guess who’s back from my hiatus! can you tell i used a crazy rich asians line. feedback is much appreciated after i took a long break

series list | next

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You’ve said it once and you’ll say it again. Springtime is truly a lovely time of the year, especially late spring. It was a healthy reminder of the college year ending in a month and a half.

That, along with the flowers in full bloom and allergies at a minimum. Luke watched you enjoy the bright scenery racing by his car window. A sigh escaped his nose.

You were in your head. Luke could tell.

He would’ve said something to cheer you up, anything stupid really, but his car was already coming to a stop. The engine sputtered.

“You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” Luke gently placed a hand on your knee. The incessant tapping you produced stopped. You figured he was slightly irritated with your nerves.

Cars were lined down the street. You could hear people talking in the backyard. Easter was a big holiday. Though a bunny planting eggs in the yards of homes was an absurd caricature to choose. Where did the bunny get the surplus of eggs? Dollar Tree.

Luke listened to you (which really meant he listened to your Aunt Shelley). He traded in his wife beater and button up for a sage green button up. The colors matched your white dress with patterned green flowers.

Sure, you hated coming back home at times, but you wouldn’t use that as an excuse to not dress up for holidays.

“I know.” You spoke up finally and glanced at him. He could tell you didn’t take his words to heart.

“Believe me.” Luke emphasized with a squeeze of your knee. You nodded your head, internally thankful he decided to accompany you this Easter. “We’ll be okay.”

And it was okay, like Luke promised, at least it was.

“That’s the boy you’re dating?” Your parents had pulled you inside the house. Shock and disappointment written all over your mother’s face. The subtle action of wrinkling her nose told you how displeased she was with this.

The Easter party was outside in the backyard. Your younger relatives were playing outside, running around Luke, begging him to join their games. Music was playing and your aunts and uncles were joking around.

It was a complete contrast to the inside of the house. Your mother had still upheld the rule of that quiet, peaceful environment. The ticking of the grandfather clock paired with the hum of the AC echoed throughout the house. It was unnerving how foreign the sounds of your home had become.

“He is.” You swallowed your nerves and guilt to put on a mask of faux confidence. You switched from hugging your arms to crossing them. “He…he is sweet and kind and treats me right.”

“He is the one who turned you into some sleaze!” She accused and pointed her wrinkly finger at you. Your father grunted in agreement, staring you down. “Do you not care about your future?”

Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you take a deep breath. You weren’t going to let your parents push you to be their “perfect little girl”. You dropped your hands to your sides and stared at your mom’s judging eyes.

All you’ve done is care about your future, your life. It was the constant studying, the constant tutoring kids who didn’t care. Just to make your college resume look like the perfect candidate for some top notch college. High school was so mundane and terrible and you tried to look on the bright side, tried to reason with your parents—your mom’s, decisions.

“I told you to get rid of those friends of yours and now you’re dating the bad influence. The fly!” Your mom reminded you harshly. Always your and your friends' fault for turning out a certain way. Always. “You never listen to me because of them—him!”

Luke was starting to become concerned with how long your parents were keeping you from festivities. Your little sister and cousins have asked him to lift them up with just his arms so many times.

They were getting impatient, waiting for the Easter Egg Hunt to start. The sky has even taken it’s cue to start going to bed (as your little sister called it)

“He is not a bad influence. He doesn’t smoke and rarely drinks.” You defended with a firm tone. “Luke and my friends are not going to ruin my future because I want to have fun.”

“It’s that mindset that’s going to get you homeless!” You left the conversation after that.

Judging stares and faux smiles were plastered on your older relatives as soon as you left the house, followed by your parents soon after. Aunt Shelley was a prominent figure, reveling in gossip and family drama.

Luke wrapped an arm around your waist and kissed your temple. A silent act of reassurance, that he was here. You watched as your cousins and little sister ran around the large backyard, collecting the plastic little eggs.

“Look!” Your little sister presented a shiny pink plastic egg. She smiled, proud of her find. The sun was beginning to set. A range of oranges, pinks and yellows complimented the clouds and the horizons. The lights in the backyard blinked on.

“That’s really shiny. What’d you get?” You crouched down to your sister’s height, entertaining her ego.

She opened it with a small ‘pop’ and inside was money. “I’m a dollar and twenty-five cents rich!” She exclaimed with a happy smile. Your sister proudly showed off her reward to Luke.

Your sister was the only reason you came back home anymore,

It wasn’t until dinner was served that the whispers became prominent. Left and right as you sat and ate, you heard how different you were. How you back talked (back sassed in Aunt Shelley’ words) your parents. How disobedient and ignorant you’ve become and what they would’ve done in this situation.

“How could she talk back like that? My sister only cares for her future.”

“I would’ve made her do online school.”

“Mm, no bad influences. Smart man, Thomas.”

“When children are away from home too long, they forget who they are.”

God, couldn’t they just mind their business?

“Let’s just go.” Luke suggested smoothly. His voice is like caramelized honey amongst the sea of scratchy voices. It made your stomach churn because it was the best thing he could’ve said to you all night (totally)

At this point, Luke could read you like a book. Since the food came out, you’ve been in your head, thinking twice about this act of rebellion. Doubts seeding through your mind. He needed to pull you out.

And as much as you wanted to stay for your little sister, your need to get out of that backyard outweighed it.

The final stop of today’s lovely excursion was the local lake. The sandy banks were warmed by the fading sun. Luke was determined to cheer you up.

Though he wasn’t doing a good job. He left you at the lake alone.

It was a little bit before he showed up again with a flower bouquet, take out and his jacket. “What good fake boyfriend would I be if I didn’t try to cheer you up?”

“You left me for twenty minutes.” You rolled your eyes. He sat down next to you and handed you the flowers. The appreciative smile betrayed your annoyance.

“Y’know, in a way, you did piss off your parents.” Luke nudged your shoulder, changing topic. You ran your fingers over the flower petals. “Like you wanted.”

And that was what you wanted. To get back at your parents, to piss them off, for how judgmental and controlling they’ve been of your life. So shouldn’t it feel good?

Luke kept staring at you, taking in how resigned you looked. Your mouth turned downwards whilst your eyes hid how upset you were at the comments.

“Thank you.” You finally spoke up and placed the flowers in your lap. “I think…we don’t have to continue this anymore.”

You spoke with much thought put into this. The whole goal was to piss off your parents. Why did you need to fake date when you already did that?

“Don’t be stupid, sweetheart.” Luke rolled his eyes and opened up the Chinese food he bought. “I’m still in it for the trip.”

You snorted. Of course he was. “Besides, you haven’t even touched the surface of rebellion. You feel unsatisfied because you planned this.” He made his point by gesturing with his chopsticks.

“You’re not supposed to care about what other people think of you or your actions.” Luke shoveled some Kung Pao Chicken in his mouth. He talked like he was an expert on this. He was, but only to his dad.

“So what now?” What a failure this was.

“I help you experience your new freedom with rebelling.” Luke smirked and offered you some food. “C’mon sweetheart, the least you could do is indulge in my ways.”

“Okay, Master Yoda.” You laughed and took a piece of his chicken. The sky had fully darkened and the stars blinked in the night sky.

“No, no! I’m Anakin! Come to the dark side.”Luke and you look out at the stars and constellations. You lean your head against his shoulder.

“Fine.” You mumbled. “I’ll join the dark side.”

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taglist:

@happy-mushrooms @m00ng4z3r @justanotherkpopstanlol @2hiigh2cry @celluifleur @yuminako @pookiebear16 @mxtokko @cxcillia @kai-islost @kidkrowk @iluvpjo @sofiacblair @cherryynovaa @dracoslovergirl @lalloronaisreal @jennapancake @urbanflorals @sweetstime @cherr-y-eji @thatbird-fromrio @itzlilywelch @annispamz

[i-literally-cant-with-this]

A/N = 😐 So, this is my first time writing about Rengoku. And I'm ngl, this shit had me a little hot and bothered. @peachdues You're an angel for reminding me how much I love this song. It just does somethin' to me 🤷‍♀️.

CW = Implied y/n. Iiii mmmeann ... just ... nothing too, too graphic. But to be safe, MDNI NSFW 🔞.

Bedtime is the Best Time

"Babe? Are you coming?"

"Y-yeah. Be right there."

● Kyojuro walks into the room where you lay on your stomach in bed. Scrolling through your phone watching the most recently posted kitten videos.

● "You watching kitten videos again," he asks. Knowing full well you are. But he doesn't blame you. They're so damn cute.

● "Come to bed."

● "Yeah, yeah, for sure. Jus' g'na brush my teeth." He left you to finish the video about the kitten playing with its moms tail. One of his personal favorites.

● You slipped out of his t-shirt that you always wore to sleep in and laid back down.

● "Do you need anything before I come in there?" You landed a good man.

●"Nope, jus' want you."

● Kyojuro came into the bedroom and threw his shirt in the dirty laundry, glancing over at you. He felt like something was maybe up with you. But nothing seemed out of the ordinary. So he went about bedtime as usual.

● "Well, get ready, my little firecracker, for I have arrived!" He spread his arms and jumped to the bed, landing abruptly on you.

● The man is 95.999% muscle. He was heavy but in this utterly delicious way.

● You're both laughing at his dumb sense of humor, swiping away stray hair from each other's face. Thoroughly enjoying the sweet moment.

● But you look at each others' lips for a second too long and then back into each other's eyes.

● Looks of playfulness are quickly being replaced by a serious lust for the other person you just shared such a whimsical moment with.

● Smiles easily give way to a darkness as you stare down your lover.

● Your breathing and heart rates increase as the touching between you becomes more needy. It's no longer fun, funny, carefree.

● Kyojuro stands up resolutely and takes off his clothes. His cock springs to his abdomen. Precum already glistening in his slit.

● His hair is bright and wild around his face as he starts to wrap his hand around the leaky tip. Looking at you in such a way, you find yourself a little scared.

● The noises he's making are animalistic.

● Grunts.

● He wraps his whole hand around himself.

● Growls.

● His head drops as he looks up at you from under his barely dewy brow.

● He takes a step closer to the bed.

● He takes a step closer to you.

● Kyojuro is on you before you can say anything. His lips haphazardly cover every inch of your burning flesh.

● His fingers explore every opening that will succumb to his findings.

● "You're so tight," he says, as he struggles to control himself. "S'tight everywhere. Let me inside of you. Pl-please. I must get inside of you."

● You feel your pussy gush with an oasis that only he could draw from you.

● You nod your head fast, and you nod hard.

● "Kyo ... fuck me. N- now. *God*, please now."

● He falls at your feet. Worshipping you the best way he knows how.

● Kissing the tops of your feet as he holds your calves in his large hands, sliding them further up.

● He kisses your knees. All the while never taking his eyes off of yours. Reducing you to a trembling mess beneath his observance and his touch.

● He slides your legs together and darts his tongue in and out of the thickest part of your thighs. Moaning into them how much he fucking loves you. Your smell. How he wants to eat you alive.

● He nudges your legs apart and tells you "I love you, my wildfire," before he pushes you down and leaves one hand on your sternum while the other spreads you open for him in every sense of the word.

● He lays you out on the bed and tongues your folds apart so he can see how wet you are for him. Under him. Around him.

● His scalding eyes hold your attention as he kisses your clit and his rough fingers ease their way into your sleek core.

● "My god," he whispers as he slides his fingers back out. Admiring the gooey juices from your cunt that are now coating his skin.

● Kyojuro buries his face in your pussy so far you wonder how he'll breathe. "You are my life. I will breathe you. Now stay down, little inferno."

● You give yourself over to him wholly, and you are not now, nor have you ever been, disappointed.

● He knows just what you need and is ever voracious in his delivery.

● You're so close now. He feels this escalation before you're even fully aware. The tightrope he has you walking is about to snap out from underneath this precarious balance.

● His hands come up under your ass and he rests your thighs on either side of his ears. Your legs slam over his temples. Muffled cries are what he's here for.

● Kyo will hold you down tighter until you're sobbing. Promising the God's that next time your prayers involving this man won't be so greedy.

● But the God's and Kyo know those are lies you shout in vein. You overestimated your tolerance for orgasm after orgasm to be dragged from your body.

● The God's won't hear your sobs anymore. Only Kyojuro, as he licks around his mouth and sucks his fingers clean of you. Only Kyojuro will give you what you need now.

● He runs his fingers over your drenched pussy and then starts rubbing his cock slowly. Padding you with his full length.

● Your body jerks up at his arrival. You're still sensitive from him eating you out. But he fills you so perfectly.

● Kyo rolls his hips into you over and over. Tearing the most sinful and downright filthy noises from your body.

● You say his name under your breath like he could be the one to save you from yourself.

● But he just continues to bring your bodies together like he, himself, would cease to exist if he did not share himself with you ... only you.

● Your release is fast approaching. He is not far behind.

● You squeeze and suck his cock into you. He loses focus over who's fucking who here.

● You feel so perfect to him. He likes to think that he's doing you the best he can for you. That he's your best boy.

● But how you look so undone as he loses control of his body and thrusts into you a few more times.

● Leaving you both with a completely fucked out and impassioned expression on your drooling faces.

●The remaining part of him in you blankets you in a small flood of white. And what manages to escape, he will rub on your clit, once again testing his theory about what your body can endure.

● Oh yes. You can be sure that Kyojuro talks to the God's, as well. And every day he wakes up to you next to him, is one more orison actualized.

[jowrites]

"If I buy a car, will you take me on late night drives?" - Part 2

Jake Sim x Fem!Reader. Where 2 neighbors befriend one another because of his dog, and she doesn't have any friends.

Part 1.

TW: LOTS of fluff, Isolation(?), mentions of being a lone(r), mentions of parent death

You were very odd indeed. It’s not like anything was really wrong about you, just social cues and norms weren’t your expertise and so you avoided it as much as you could. Growing up, your parents sheltered you. You remember how your mother would brush your hair at her vanity and express her unconditional love for you. How you were her precious doll and she needed to protect you at all costs. Your father loved to paint with you, every time you had painting lessons or piano lessons he would sneak in and join you, praising how his little Princess was doing so well. They were all you needed in life. When you told Jake this you avoided his eyes and he could see the tears start to spring in the corner of your eyes. He never pushed you.

He learned you were 2 years older than him and you actually went to school and graduated with a Master’s in Architecture. He was always shocked when you mentioned little facts here and there, especially your age as you seemed to be like this lost child, always curious and not aware of the dangers of the world. He had built this incredible sense of wanting to protect you always, and longing. It had been 7 months now and he was feeling himself fall deeper and deeper every time you were around. He just didn’t know how to break that barrier he knew you put up.

“Do you have any other dreams?” he asked you. The two of you were sitting next to each other drinking beer on your balcony. It was late at night and the moment Jake got home he ran straight to you wanting to just soak in your existence. 

“Hmm, yes. I have them here, hold on!” You quickly got up and ran inside, he watched as you scurried around looking in a drawer before finding a small journal. It looked extremely worn out so he figured it must be pretty old.

“My dad gave this to me on my 10th birthday, it was right before they got in their accident. He told me it was a dream journal and I’ve been writing in it since,” you held it out to him and he took it from you opening the first page.

Sell my first painting.

On this very day October 23, 2017 I sold my first ever painting to Keith Boulder. Mom and dads longtime partner. Thank you, Keith!

Move out of the Estate.

On this day January 1, 2018 I am moving out of the Estate. Jonah said it would be good for me and he helped me make arrangements to leave. I’m going to miss everyone but I can’t stay here anymore. Everyday I’m reminded of them and I need to get out before I drive myself mad with grief. Here’s to the next…

Play Bingo at a Casino.

Get my license.

I realized something: I hate driving!

Own a pet snake.

I got a snake. It somehow escaped. Don’t know where it went. Lesson learned: don’t get a snake.

Touch a cloud.

Make a new friend.

Her name is Layla. And Jake.

Have my first kiss.

Go to Paris.

Paris is a lot dirtier than I thought it was going to be, the people are pretty mean too. Was a bit disappointed but the Countryside was beautiful and next time I’ll just spend my time there.

Fall in love before it’s too late.

‘Fall in love before it’s too late’. Jake looked over at you and saw you looking out into the City. He could easily check this off for himself, but this was your dream and he hoped he could fulfill it someday just like he did with some of your others.

“You lost a snake in your apartment?” he asked.

“Yeah, it just went poof! Gone,” you shrugged.

“How?” he raised an eyebrow, suddenly looking around scared the snake would show up now and attack him. That’s just his luck.

“I don’t know. It’s been like 3 years, I never see mice or rats around the place so I assume it’s doing well just…being a snake, I guess,” you said.

“You guess? You mean to tell me it could still be alive in this building?” He couldn’t believe it.

“Hey, the risk you made when moving in,” you shrugged it off.

“Yes, a very strange neighbor and her lost snake was something they must have forgotten to mention,” he said, making you laugh.

“You are very much welcome!” You smiled, finishing off your beer and taking his and drinking his as well.

“And she takes my things!” He liked to joke, you always laughed at his jokes and it was better than seeing you cry so he wanted to make you laugh as much as possible.

“Hello??? JAKE!!!!” Suddenly the two of you turned and looked towards your door. You both could hear banging and his name being called by voices you never heard.

“Oh, shit!” Jake quickly got up and walked out into the hall, you soon followed suit. 

“Ah, there you are!” One of the men said.

“You lived there? And we have been banging on this stranger's door! Oh I’m so sorry to whoever lives there,” one of the other’s said.

“What are you guys doing here?” Jake asked, suddenly opening his door for them to go inside.

“We wanted to surprise you, wait, so you do live here?” The other said.

“Oh! Are you Y/N?” One of the guys pointed at you, realizing you were present.

“Oh, so you DO exist, we were starting to think Jake was seeing things,” the other jokes.

“No, you’re seeing things. I don’t exist,” you played along giving them a sly smile.

“Guys, this is Y/N, and Y/N this is Sunghoon, Jay, and Heeseung,” Jake introduced.

“Jake talks about you all the time,” Jay said.

“He literally doesn’t shut up about you,” Sunghoon chimed in.

“It’s nice to meet you, Y/N. Don’t mind them, they can be annoying,” Heeseung came over and held his hand out for you to shake. You gave him a fist bump instead, causing a bit of confusion.

“You can’t just show up unannounced, next time call or something,” Jake said as everyone ushered into his apartment. Layla was with you the whole time and you silently took a seat on his couch just watching Jake and his friends. 

They began rummaging through his kitchen looking for things. They brought things to make dinner and Jay looked like he knew what he was doing so you trusted him for now. Jake almost forgot and looked around suddenly before spotting you on the couch. He gave you an apologetic smile and you smiled assuring him it was okay. He really did not want his friends scaring you off.

“So, Y/N, how’s our boy Jake over here? Is he treating you right?” Jay asked and Jake mentally face palmed.

“Oh no. He can be quite annoying sometimes, like for instance he doesn’t leave me alone,” You started off and Jake’s eyes got wide.

“Hey! I can say the same to you, Missy! You literally wake me up sometimes so I can drive you around, guys she doesn’t drive so I have to drive her,” Jake defended.

“Yeah, but you promised me you would and so you have to no matter what,” You said back. 

“You’re just as clingy as I am! Guys yesterday I was in the shower and she literally just came in without a hi or hello! Just barged in while I was taking a shower. Who does that?” Jake said.

“I told you I just found out Betty White died and I was grieving!” You defended.

“She died years ago!” Jake spoke up.

“Wow, you two are cute!” Heeseung said.

“Are you sure they’re not married?” Sunghoon whispered to his friends.

“Mhm, tell me more, Y/N, how he is! Love to hear it,” Jay nodded as he was chopping up some vegetables.

“What else is there? Jake is my best friend,” you shrugged and Jake immediately got soft. “He doesn’t leave me alone but I like it. I got to him because I want to be around him. He brings me food and paints with me, he drives me around because he knows I don’t like to drive. I know I am not that easy to get along with and I’m very weird. I don’t know how to talk to people and he doesn’t judge me. He’s always nice to me and makes me laugh. He eats meals with me and lets me play with his dog. When he has a hard day he doesn’t complain and still comes and hangs out with me. What else is there to say other than he’s the best person in this whole world.”

It got quiet and everyone suddenly stopped what they were doing and looked between you and Jake. Your eyes were on Layla as you petted her and Jake’s eyes were on you, soft and full of love. He suddenly walked over to you and grabbed your hand and started walking out, “Be right back!”  walking you two across to your apartment.

“Did I overstep? Sorry, I just-” You began to say but Jake cut you off.

“No, no you didn’t. I’ve had feelings for you for a while now, Y/N, I’ve been completely head over heels and I had been so afraid to tell you,” he started to say and your heart skipped a beat.

“You have?” you whispered.

“Yes, yes. I wasn’t sure about you and your feelings but now I am, you like me too,” he said.

“I do? How do you know?” you asked.

“I didn’t until a minute ago, but now I’m sure you feel this spark too,” Jake said. “Let me in. Let me love you.”

“Okay,” and that was all Jake needed before crashing his lips to yours. The kiss was soft and sweet, Jake didn’t want to be overwhelming but it took everything in him to hold himself back. You kissed him back and he kissed you with passion hoping you could feel his emotion. You began to giggle and he pulled back, putting some of your hair behind your ear.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“You made another one of my dreams come true,” you said.

“Oh, love, I plan to make many more of them come true for you.”

[jujumin-translates]

★ Main Story | Act 13 - Budding Spring | Chapter 16 - My Allies

Izumi: That should be it for the shopping.

Tsumugi: Ah, right. I ran out of fertilizer…

Izumi: Should we make a stop at the flower shop?

Tsumugi: No, it’s a bit heavy, so I’ll ask someone else to help me next time I’m out and I’ll get it then.

Izumi: Got it. Oh, and speaking of flower shops, there’s that boy who’s a fan of ours that lives in a flower shop that I pass by a lo--.

Towa: …

Izumi: Huh? Towa-kun?

Towa: Ah…

Izumi: Are you okay? Are you feeling sick?

*Stomach growls*

Towa: I wanna… eat some rice…

*Thud*

Izumi: Huh?

Tsumugi: …He collapsed in the middle of the street?

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Towa: Let’s eat!

Tsumugi: You must’ve been starving.

Izumi: But I thought you were living at your aunt’s flower shop? It’s pretty close, so why…?

Towa: Actually… I ran away from home.

Sakuya: Ran away!?

Sakyo: Reminds me of a certain someone.

Azami: There’s a lotta people who run away from home in this dorm.

Kumon: Ahaha, true~.

Tenma: You were one of them, though.

Izumi: Did you run away because there’s something troubling you?

Towa: …

Masumi: If you’re not going to say anything, leave.

Sakuya: Hey, c’mon, he probably has his reasons.

Towa: …Sorry for causing you guys so much trouble.

Towa: …I’ve always admired you all. I’ve always wanted to be someone who could be passionate about something.

Towa: All my studies, my lessons, my hobbies, I’ve always done them half-heartedly. I’ve always tried to not work as hard as I could.

Sakuya: …Why is that?

Towa: …I didn’t want to disappoint myself.

Towa: I guess I didn’t want to try too hard, fail, and then be disappointed in myself.

Towa: If I did, I’d be embarrassed, and scared, and feel like I should just curl up and die then and there.

Towa: But then I happened to see a play by MANKAI Company’s Spring Troupe, and fell in love with how much everyone was sparkling.

Towa: I was desperate to do something like that, to actually accomplish something. I wanted to try and shine like that, too.

Towa: But I didn’t know what to do…

Towa: I wanted to be closer to Veludo Way, where you all were, so I sent in an application to Hanasaki and transferred there last minute.

Izumi: That’s the reason why…!?

Banri: Pretty damn impressive that you managed to pass the entrance exam. The standard score you need to get in there is pretty high.

Towa: I studied harder than I ever had in my entire life!

Sakuya: You sure were motivated, huh?

Masumi: You’re insane.

Towa: It was because I wanted to be closer to all of you guys, but I had another reason too…

Towa: Everyone in my family really spoils me. They’re always ready to drop everything to give me anything I’m interested in or anything I need.

Towa: They’ll almost always listen to my selfishness and it made all my friends really jealous when I told them, so I wondered if it was really okay for me to keep living like that…

Towa: They didn’t even object when I transferred schools.

Towa: They said I should go wherever I wanted to go. And not only that, but they helped me with cram school and got me a tutor too.

Towa: They also asked my aunt if I could live with her.

Towa: My family is really kind, and I love them so much, but I hate how spoiled I become when I’m with them. That’s why I decided to leave.

Yuki: You’ve got guts.

Tsumugi: It’s really nice of your family to support the path you chose, Towa-kun.

Towa: But… Apparently, they thought it wouldn’t be long before I came back home.

Towa: “It’s not like there’s anything he really wants to do”, “He won’t be able to do it alone, away from his family”...

Towa: When I overheard my aunt and my mom say stuff like that while they were talking on the phone, I got so mad that I just stormed out.

Towa: …But they were right. All I have is the things I admire. I don’t have a clue about what I actually want to do with myself.

Towa: I really can’t do anything on my own…

Sakuya: I don’t think that’s true.

Citron: You have already made it this far!

Chikage: You’ve even managed to make your way into the dorms of the theater company you admire.

Towa: Ah…

Itaru: You tried your hardest, got accepted into Hanasaki, and made it all the way to the Holy Land, isn’t that enough proof right there?

Sakuya: I think it’s amazing that you’re venturing out into a whole new world entirely on your own.

Itaru: You don’t need to rush things. Everyone figures out what they want to do with themselves eventually.

Tsumugi: I think you probably understand feeling like that the most, right, Banri-kun?

Banri: This sorta thing’s all about timing, and, well, I guess fate’s sorta a part of it too. There ain’t any point in rushin’ things.

Juza: For you, it was more like when people try ‘n stage car crashes for insurance money, though.

Banri: The hell you just say?

Izumi: You’re able to do lots of things.

Izumi: If we hadn’t met you, we never would’ve thought of doing that workshop, Towa-kun.

Towa: …Thank you so much. I’m still really sorry about all the trouble I’ve caused you.

Izumi: You’re aunt’s probably worried sick, so someone should get in touch with her. Are you able to do that on your own?

Towa: Yeah.

Towa: --Ah, so many notifs in the chat.

shiki: Please contact us.

kar: Don’t die

Iv: wanna come over to my place?

shiki: Just calm down and don’t do anything rash!

Izumi: Chat?

Towa: They’re friends I met through a game called “Bloom Game”.

Towa: We’re always talking about all kinds of different things on BlooCh-- the in-game chat.

Towa: We’ve never met before, and we don’t even know what any of the others look like, but that’s why we can talk and feel like we’re always so connected.

Towa: It’s just another one of the places I belong.

Izumi: I see. Make sure you get in touch with them too, then.

Towa: I will.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Sakuya: Do you need someone to take you home?

Towa: I’m good. It’s not that far away and my aunt said she’d meet me halfway.

Sakuya: Got it. Well then, get home safely, okay?

Citron: And you are always welcome to come here if you ever run away from home again!

Masumi: Please don’t.

Tsuzuru: Not sure when we became a place that welcomes runaways, but, I guess it’s not so bad being a place like that.

Izumi: Bye.

Towa: Thank you for the meal! And good luck with your next performance! I can’t wait to see it!

*Footsteps*

Tsuzuru: Our next performance, huh…

Itaru: We’ve still gotta face our own problems too.

Chikage: …Right.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

*Phone notification*

Sakuya: Ah… I really need to reply…

Sakuya: Haaah… Something that’s like us, huh.

Tenma: Does the upcoming Romeo have lines like that?

Sakuya: Huh? Ah, no.

Tenma: Heard your rehearsals didn’t go too well.

Sakuya: …Yuzo-san watched us rehearse today.

Sakuya: He told us to think about what makes a play a Spring Troupe play again, and to think about what our debut performance was like too.

Sakuya: We’ve definitely improved and gained a lot more experience, but what are we lacking more than back then…

Sakuya: There’s no way our feelings aren’t stronger than they were back then.

Tenma: Something you’re lacking, huh? There were lots of things you were lacking during your RomiJuli performance.

Tenma: Your acting was rough at best, and it was overall a pretty shaky start. But even so… I still wonder about what exactly it was that made you guys sparkle like that.

Tenma: You all just seemed to be enjoying the new world of theater with everything you had in you.

Sakuya: New world…

Tenma: You made me want to go with you-- To take that step into the world of the stage.

Sakuya: I was so happy to hear you praise RomiJuli after you joined the troupe, Tenma-kun.

Tenma: Now that I think about it, you must’ve had problems back during rehearsals for your debut performance, right?

Tenma: I mean, I did ask you how you solved problems during your performance while we were rehearsing for Summer Troupe’s debut performance.

Sakuya: I guess you’re right…

Sakuya: While we were rehearsing for our debut, Yuzo-san told us that we didn’t understand a thing about the stage and--...

Sakuya: That’s it! Thanks, Tenma-kun! I’m gonna go and get a little more acquainted with the stage again!

Tenma: --No problem.

[ ⇠ Previous Part ] • [ Next Part ⇢ ]

[sunlightandsuffering]

Any updates on those drabbles 😣🫣🫣

IT'S GOING WELL AHAHAHAH !! Here is one I wrote just from my own inspo bc I was listening to Drake, it's kind of silly, but Eren is totally a frat bro who listens to Drake and thinks he's the shit lmfaoooo! I was listening to girls want girls and I was like Mikasa totally HATES him for this and I couldn't get the mental imagery out of my head lol !!

“Go on Mikasa, you’ll be late and Eren won’t want to take you home.” Mikasa scowls miserably at the reminder, her lip curling up, teeth clenched together as she realizes what the next hour and a half of her life has to offer her. 

“Maybe I should get a buss pass.” “Mikasa hush,” Her mother chastises her, pushing her towards the door, her backpack in hand and a bag of chips for the road. She feels like a school girl being shooed off for her first day of kindergarten, her mom tugging at her hair fretfully, righting the small green t-shirt dress that she now regrets wearing immensely. 

When her mother is finally pleased, she steps back, one last perfunctory glance over before she nods to herself resolutely, “You look very nice.” Mikasa scowls harder and her mother makes a noise of irritation, “You’ll wrinkle, stop that!” 

She forces her face into a neutral expression just as her mother pushes her out the door with one last lingering kiss goodbye, “Have a good drive darling, be nice to Eren. He’s doing you a favour you know!” And that’s how Mikasa finds herself in the familiar situation, high school all over again as she waits at the end of her walk way, backpack in hand, and chillier than she should be in the warm spring weather. Damned green dress, she should have worn ripped jeans, the wind is too cold on her exposed thighs. And of course, Eren is fucking late. Mikasa glances down at her watch again, 6:15, he was supposed to be here ten minutes ago, had texted her that he was leaving from his obnoxiously large house down the street. She could have fucking walked there and been faster. 

Her irritated thoughts are interrupted by the tell-tale sounds of Eren’s arrival, thumping base, engine so loud it shakes the street lamps. It’s a brand new Subaru, sleek black and tricked out so much she doesn’t even want to know how much money he’s dumped into it. 

She fucking hates the thing, it’s obnoxious. Yet, she also can’t deny the little flutter in her heart every time he pulls up to her house in it, what the neighbours must think of her, that she has a handsome rich boyfriend at her beck and call. She doesn’t, she has an idiotic sexist frat boy instead. 

The only thing louder than the engine of Eren’s stupid car is his music, and he pulls up, windows down, the undeniable beat of a Drake album infecting her ears. His sunglasses slip down his nose as he pulls up, one hand on the steering wheel, the other reaching towards her out the window, a sweet serenade… if not for the fucking lyrics. “Say that you a lesbian, girl me too.”

This is Mikasa’s final straw, her mouth parted in pure outrage as the music pours over the street. “I’m not getting in the car.” Her voice is barely audible over the engine and the base and Eren pouts as he turns it down, putting the car in park, “What?” “I’m not getting in the car.” Eren groans, “Mikasa.” Is it too late to take the bus? She glances towards the lone bus stop a few paces down the street, the bus she’s never taken because she’s always had her irritating neighbour to chauffeur her around. She vacillates for a moment, but one look at Eren’s smug face, the disgustingly expensive dior shades slipping down his nose, the tight grey t-shirt clinging to his arm.

Mikasa starts walking. “Miki,” Eren whines, and she makes it several paces away before he’s following her at a crawl, “Please my mom will kill me if you take the bus.” “I’m not getting in the car if you’re going to play that.” “It’s Drake!” Eren exclaims as if this excuses his faux pas!

“It’s sexist as hell and a little homophobic,” Mikasa bursts and Eren sighs deeply, “If I turn it off will you get in the fucking car?” 

“I’ll consider it.” He pauses it for a moment, putting the car back in park and gesturing for her to get in. 

Mikasa acquiesces, but only after an appropriate amount of glaring, she has to make him work for it. Eren opens the door for her from the inside, almost a gentleman but not quite, grabbing her backpack from her hands before chucking it into the back seat. “Why do you always have to be such a pain in the ass?” He asks without bite, his gaze honed in on her legs as she sinks into the plush leather of the passenger seat. 

She smacks his shoulder, both for the remark and for the way he’s now unabashedly staring at her thighs where her dress has slipped just a little too high. And if she wore this dress for him, for exactly this reason, who is to say? He’ll never know. 

“Ow,” His gaze finally snaps up to her face, the lips pulled into a pout, green eyes sparkling with amusement, “God you’re so mean to me Mikasa.” “Someone has to be!” He grumbles something in response and Mikasa holds her hand up threateningly, another smack to that ridiculously well-muscled arm of his. Because seriously she’d probably done more damage to her palm, who said he could be so muscle-y? 

He fiddles with his phone for a moment, hitting the shuffle button and Mikassa glances at her own phone as she waits for him to drive off. The music cues up just as Eren’s hand grabs for the shifter, his foot shifting to the break peddle as he changes gears and Mikasa’s mouth parts in a mixture of shock and horror as the infectious beat of the next song slides over them, somehow even louder than before. “Bend that ass over! Let that coochie breathe!” It’s silent between them, save for the music between them, and she watches as Eren turns towards her almost robotically as ‘Rich Baby Daddy’ flows over the speakers. “I’m going to kill you.” 

“Mikasa!” 

She smacks him again, more aggressively this time, “It’s my drake playlist I just hit shuffle I swear.” She smacks him again for good measure, “Sexist asshole!” 

He throws his hands up in surrender, trying to escape to his side of the car as he slips it back into park, “It’s not even sexy, really if you think about it, it’s women’s empowerment!” Mikasa almost assaults him in his own car, throwing herself over the console to get better access so she can finally throttle him. 

He catches her wrist in his hands just as she makes her way across the console, her dress riding up much higher than is appropriate, threatening to show off the black lacy panties she’d chosen just in case she was feeling frisky.

“It’s a good song, don’t tell me you don’t bop to this during your gym sessions, c’mon Mika.” She will never admit that it’s on her running playlist, over her dead body, never! “I don’t!” Mikasa lies through her teeth and Eren manhandles her into a more comfortable position, tugging her all the way over the console and into her lap, and fuck why does she always end up in his arms? She’s breathing hard, fuming from their fight, hair a mess and cheeks ruddier than she’d like, he’s stolen her composure once again with barely a word. 

Carefully, he reaches past her to change the song, looking at her with suspicion the entire time, letting her wrists go with the other, “Happy now?” “No,” Mikasa scowls and Eren groans, “You’re so sensitive.” “I am not!” She’s about to launch into another rant about the patriarchy and the sexism of male rappers and blatant sexualization of women in all these songs but Eren just shakes his head, “Please don’t lecture me again, I’ll let you pick the next song, I cannot do another hour and a half lecture.” She loses her steam a little, remembering the ride up from university back home for reading break, she might have gone a little overboard there. “Besides, it’s catchy, just admit it.” Mikasa pouts, “It is catchy.” “Thank you!” As she calms down she realizes she has once again found herself in Eren’s lap, in close quarters with the boy she likes to fuck on occasion, who haunts her dreams more often than should be allowed, and well, he’s definitely starting to notice too. His eyes are now locked on where her thighs bracket his own, how she’s sitting so pretty, that if they were naked he’d slip inside right now, and with how fucking wet she is it would be easy. Shit. 

She’s about to sit up, but Eren’s hands settle over her thighs, rubbing tantalizingly up and down, warming her up from the inside out in her silly little dress. “You know,” Eren starts, his eyes locked on her mouth now, the teasing edge to his voice gone, replaced with something a little darker now, raspy with lust, “It’s really not sexist, actually kind of empowering.” “How so?” She asks, sinking further into his lap, just the hint of a grind as she feels him harden beneath her and god why does she always want him, even when he’s being a colossal asshole. “Rich baby daddy, I think she’s just using him for money, so really she’s winning here.” Mikasa scoffs, “Sure.” His mouth slips down to her neck, “You know if your birth control failed, I could be your rich baby daddy Mika.” 

Eren speaks with all the confidence of a man who was inside her not two days ago and definitely came inside her without a condom, and she fucking hates that it turns her on.

He lays hot open-mouthed kisses up her neck, his teeth nibbling at her ear now, her heart in her throat, “Probably spoil you rotten to be honest, you’re too pretty to work Miki, think I’d keep you just for me.” “Fuck off,” She whispers but there’s no real heat behind it, not when his hands are skimming at the hem of her dress, teasing at the edge of her cunt. “I think you’d like it.” “I think I hate you.” “Nah,” He murmurs against her throat, “You don’t.” 

And then he’s stealing her lips in a kiss that has her seeing stars, and she’s making out with Eren fucking Yeager in their neighbourhood cul-de-sac at 5:30 on a Sunday night, in prime view of dog walkers and horrified families. 

Eventually, she forces herself off of him, glaring the whole time, and he lets her choose the music as penance, to which she chooses some Drake that’s a little more tame, not something she can get quite so up in arms about.

She pretends to pout the entire ride back to school, but she shares her all-dressed chips with him and when his hand finds her thigh ten minutes into the drive she doesn’t protest. 

[milfygerard]

For the ask game: Dorothea, tis the damn season, cowboy like me?

oughhh the trifecta...

dorothea: If youre ever tired of being known for who you know y'know, youll always know me....dorothea

I just love when taylor really leans into wordplay and turns of phrases and this might be one of her most effective and smoothest examples. evermore is probably one of her albums with the least amount of what I affectionately call Taylor Clunk, which comes in many forms but here is where taylor has a specific idea she wants out and refuses to cut but she cant quite make it fit leading to awkward vocal patterns, rhyming a word with itself or painfully basic obvious rhymes, songs where the structure just doesnt quite click etc. You can find it plenty in her catalogue but especially on the better bonus/cut tracks like jump then fall (rhyming face with face, you can almost feel her irritation that she cant fix that), its time to go (the "thing" bridge that feels just a little too vague and awkward compared to the rest of the track) and IION (the verses are just kind of a mess structurally). This line? is what happens when taylor has nothing but time to hammer out each kink and annoyance and just make a lyric that flows like water. Its extremely singable and noticably clever but also still clears as smart if you sit and think about it while working beautifully within the song and still feeling real to the character taylors inhabiting. HM: "skipping the prom just to piss of your mom and her pagent schemes" "from you i'd buy anything"

TTDS: theres an ache in you put there by the ache in me/but if its all the same to you, its the same to me

what a profoundly sad and resentful lyric in a profoundly sad and resentful song. This one line I think really captures what TTDS is about which is that constant sense of feeling trapped. You felt trapped in your home town and you ran away, you escaped, but the escape alone isnt enough as you have what feels like all the same issues but somewhere else, and how a few times every year you have to walk back into the open spring-trapped cage and be reminded of the comfort of the cage you already know compared to the one youre pursuing. the what if of "should I just come back and be unhappy here if theres at least one person who will truly understand that?" Old habits are slipped into easily but not unknowingly, and the ache is still there even as dorothea and her lover pretend for just a weekend that they are still two anchors in one terrible place kind of silverflitn if you think about it i mean what. When paired with Dorothea as a track its also a tale of poor communication, dorothea as a character creating a sense of resentment from her lover far more intesne than the fond sadness in her namesake track. HM: "if I wanted to know who you were hanging with while I was gone i would've asked you" "I parked my car right between the methodist and the school that used to be ours"

CLM: now you hang from my lips like the Gardens of Babylon/ with your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con

AMBIGUITY BABY!!!! CLM has a stone cold poker face with a bleeding gash of emotion on its cheek and i love it so so much (the my own private idaho AMV that exists in my head for this song goes so crazy you wouldnt believe). this weird little third-verse-bridge-thing (the structure of clm is batshit even genius barely knows what to do w it i cant believe the track works as well as it does)plays on the surface as plainly romantic but like all the best stories it doest quite line up. The song itself feels like a story being spun a story is true a story is untrue i mean what by someone trying to avoid the direct stating of a too-painful truth. Even within this imagined narrative, reality slips through. The Gardens of Babylon are a great and beautiful thing, an architectual wonder lush with life. They also most likely never existed. A common thread throughout evermore is the questioning of its own reality, of if any of it was real or just a construction of marriage or suburbia or the law or death or a dream or our own anxieties, almost none of the songs have a conclusive, clear-cut ending and some even loop into themselves (tolerate it and gold rush both end how they began). In the end, this is a tale told over a campfire under the new mexico night sky as you watch the storyteller look off into the distance and you wonder if anything theyve told you is even a little true. HM: "Never wanted love just a fancy car/now I'm waiting by the phone like I'm sitting at an airport bar" "tellin all the rich folks anything they wanna hear/like it could be love, it could be the way forward only if they pay for it"

[a-student-out-of-time]

Did you watched new heartless deceit interlude episodes?

//Dude, yes, and I have so much to say!

//I'll start in order:

MOMOKA'S DAY OFF

I have to say, my initial thoughts when Akira's secondary talent was revealed- Ultimate Hitman- were how that happened. I wondered what kind of people the Himura clan must be to recruit a teenage girl into becoming a hitman, and my mind went to cruelty, coercion, and a lot of uncomfortable thoughts about what they might've put her through. Especially given how disturbed Akira was about being given an award for it by EOS.

Then this episode came along and proved the situation is quite the opposite.

First of all, I adore Momoka and her chaos gremlin energy. She's hilariously unprofessional, especially on her day off, and yet she's supposed to be an advisor to the Himura clan. Her relationships with Hirotaka and Keisuke are the epitome of the No Energy, Calm, Too Much Energy meme.

Speaking of, I like that Keisuke has no preferred pronouns. They're definitely the serious, business-minded one, but still have that connection with Momoka and Hirotaka.

And poor Hirotaka is the straight man in all these antics : P

Then there's Ryuuji Himura, the younger brother of the former head of the clan, and who turns out is a pretty laid-back, chill dude. While he has a meeting planned with another clan, his mind is on fancy desserts. He doesn't seem like the type to lead a yakuza clan, and it turns out there's a good reason for it.

While Momoka, Keisuke and Hirotaka are having dinner, we get to learn a bit more about their history. The three of them have been friends for years, and reminisce about their old friend Ryuusei, Ryuuji's older brother and the former head of the clan, and his fiance Yukie.

As Timeline Anon reminded me, we've actually seen them once before:

Far from being threatened or coerced like this was Passione, the Himura Clan- and these two in particular- actually seem like they took Akira in and cared for her. Ryuusei and Yukie were like parents to her, and I have to wonder if that includes her siblings too.

What we can be sure of is Akira grew up under their care. But sadly, that didn't last. Just a week before wedding, around 6 years before HD takes place, they died. Something that still affects the trio to this day.

But ultimately, they still all manage to have a nice outing together, reminiscing about old friends.

I'll save my thoughts and speculation for the end, so here's the other:

_______________________________________________

ABOVE THE YELLOW SPRING

So, this one is actually my favorite and it's entirely because this episode says exactly what I've been saying for years:

Being an Ultimate sucks.

Our unnamed protagonist, who's going to be awarded a very prestigious title, gets to enjoy an absolutely hellish nightmare on his way there. The first comes from his overbearing family, who have unrealistic expectations of him and can't stand him complaining about anything.

Stage mom and stage aunt at their absolute worst, even making jokes about throwing him on the streets if he isn't the best of the best. We also hear about how his cousin is facing similar pressures, and that the aunt doesn't want her "wasting time with a boy from some no-name family."

Our protag, who would much rather be at home playing guitar, then has to head to a televised interview, where he also gets to see himself all over town.

He never gets any time to himself, always going from one event to the next, with barely any time in-between to eat and sleep. We don't know what exactly his talent is, but it's something that's only ever been awarded once. He even directly says that people see him as a God over it. I'll come back to that.

But all the while, he has this flash through is mind:

Actually spooked me the first time I saw it.

The interview isn't much better. Protag is exhausted, but can't rest and constantly gets browbeaten by his interviewer. While his mother and aunt criticize him for being ungrateful, the guy calls him a pampered irresponsible brat and accuses him of buying the title.

When the interview finally happens, which EOS director Kumiko Arase herself is watching, he starts off trying to sound good...and then has a panic attack on air. And then decides he's had enough.

What follows is one of the most satisfying moments I've seen in any fangan ever.

He completely demolishes the idea of the Ultimates system and calls it elitist, how it puts ridiculous pressure and a social divide on impressionable teenagers. About how people behind it and the interview only care about profiting off of them. About how people like the interviewer put them up on a pedestal they never asked to be put on, and then tear into them out of jealousy.

Finally, he rejects the ultimate award, calls Kumiko an old hag and tells her she can kiss his ass. All in one fell swoop and I was so happy.

Sure, it means he's been kicked out of the family, but people will forget and he can finally live his own life. But it does mean his cousin will be put through the same wringer now. Still, he promises to come help her when he's settled.

Whoever this dude is, he's my goddamn hero.

_____________________________________________

THOUGHTS AND SPECULATION

So I'll start with the obvious: I was wrong about Akira's background. It's very clear the Himura clan has been more of a family to her than an antagonistic force pushing her into committing evil. Even so, why did she become a hitman?

The obvious answer after seeing this, at least to me? Retribution.

Take a look at what Denshi says about her during his side episode's intro:

Both of them were involved with the clan at a young age. He talks about how she must feel conflicted, yet he doesn't dissuade her from pursuing it or viewing herself as a killer. And she admits she worked hard to get to this point.

I think this is a sign it might've been Akira's decision to become one. Especially because she would've been a child at the time Ryuusei and Yukie were killed, and while we aren't given details, the context clues suggest why. Maybe they were actually assassinated by another clan and Akira became a hitman to get revenge?

Either way, she's still loved and valued by the rest of the clan, and it's clear to me that whomever's behind this killing game has no idea whose wrath they've incurred.

Now, as for our unnamed protagonist, I have no word on who he could be, as he's only been hinted at once by Tomoya. However, I have some info TA was also diligent enough to point out.

Remember his aunt? We saw her in Denshi's side episode too, talking with Isao about investigating on her own.

At the time, because of the hair color, we assumed she might've been Katsu's mom. Now I have a new idea:

Protag was going to be given a title we don't know the name of, but we know is so prestigious as to only have ever been given once before.

He said that EOS has been building him up and people look on him like a God before he rejects it.

We know he has a female cousin under similar pressure to be super talented and good at everything, and his aunt said she wouldn't let her daughter have any distractions.

Who do we know who's hyper-competent, has an unknown but prestigious talent, and would be there at the awards ceremony for her mother to attend?

To put it another way, who in this cast has also been called and named after a deity?

Yep. I'm suggesting this was actually Izanami's cousin, and her ascendance to our local Ultimate ??? was motivated by that. She's clearly extremely talented, beautiful and, as with protag, this:

It's not hard to imagine her family doubled down after her cousin peaced out, and it's given her a very questionable view of the world, especially people she views as "sinners." I can see her being a major rival against Akira, especially when the truth comes out.

So yeah, my thoughts on these interlude episodes, which have only made me more and more excited for HD Chapter 1. Great work from everyone involved!

[madisonrooney]

I hope this isn't too personal or anything but what kind of relationship do you have with Dove? Do you have her phone number and actually talk to her or is it more of a fan level relationship? I'm not trying to be mean or anything I'm just a new follower and don't know a whole lot

we're married /j

no youre totally fine!! it is a fan relationship but like to the extent that she knows who i am, remembers me, remembers details about me, etc. and ive met her many times over the last 8 years

ill put it in under read more for the people that have already heard these stories hundreds of times lol

i first met her at d23 expo 2015 when i was cosplaying as maddie. was absolutely sobbing when i met her and she started to tear up herself. she called me honey and sweetheart and rocked me back and forth while i hugged her still bawling lol

my first liv and maddie taping was about 2 months later and when i reminded her who i was (she didnt know right away but i get that since i wasnt wearing glasses or a ponytail) she jumped out of her chair hugged me and said HI SWEETY and wouldnt let me go even when jordan fisher started talking to me lol (he recognized me too) she told me my cosplay made her whole weekend.

we had some more great interactions at the next few live tapings. at the last one with a meet and greet, she said "i know you!!" right when she saw me. i mentioned my mom coming to the following taping (which sadly never happened bc it was cancelled) and she was like "ive never met your mom!!" and the fact that she was aware of that and saw it as something important warmed my heart.

about a year passed without seeing her but i saw her again at the 2017 rdmas which was the first time she said "i love you" to me without me saying it first. this was around when she really started to remember me without me having to reintroduce myself.

the rise of the isle of the lost book launch was the following month and she said she loved that im always at these events. 2 months later was d23 again and she said "hi love!! how are you!?" when i got my descendants 2 cd signed by her.

one of my favorite interactions was 2 weeks after that at the stage door of mamma mia at the hollywood bowl. right upon seeing me she said "hi baby!!," hugged me, and asked how id been in the last two weeks since we'd seen each other. at the time, i didnt know when id see her again so i took a moment to remind her how much she means to me and she said "you are an angel in my life."

a random meet and greet came up a few months later for her hair extension line where i was once again greeted with an immediate "hi baby!!" and hug. when i walked away and waved goodbye she shouted "i love you!!"

another favorite was at a panel for agents of shield the following year that happened in nyc when i just so happened to be there for spring break. as she walked in the room while they were playing a clip, she quietly said hi to people and gasped upon seeing me, gave me the usual "hi baby!" and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. after the panel, she said goodbye to everyone, saying "i love you, i love you, i love YOU" and hugged me again saying "thank you for being here as always"

8 months later was the first preview of clueless the musical which i went back to nyc specifically for. this was another all time fav interaction. her face lit up when she saw me in the stage door crowd. when she was done meeting other fans, i once again got hi baby, "so good to see you," and her telling me she saw me in the audience + proving she meant it by telling me where i was (so she def saw me drooling over her for 2 and a half hours...but she probably expected that from me). i met thomas that night as well and my mom was with me too and she said "hey babe, they approve of you! and theyve been around longer than you have!"

about half a year later was disney channel fan fest where i once again got a hi baby when i was next in line plus a cute little dance over to me that lead into hug when i walked up.

that was my last interaction pre-covid and the only ones ive had since (save for her 2021 concert where we did interact but im not certain she knew it was "me" bc we didnt like talk and i was wearing a mask) have been at the cameron boyce foundation gala where ofc shes still sweet to me but naturally shes not as excited or talkative given that were mourning someone. but last year, she said "hi babe!" and gave me a hug. i didnt get to talk to her much then but this year i wanted her to know that even tho i wasnt able to show it for a while bc of quarantine that im still supporting her every step of the way and she brushed my arm sweetly and thanked me. she blew my friend and i kisses when she left and told us she loved us.

worth noting tho that the only social media interactions weve had have been her liking a handful of my comments on instagram and tiktok, and i cant even be sure that she knows the comments shes liking are from "me." i have too much social anxiety to be on stan twitter, so we dont communicate over social media at all or anything. but she knows me on a face to face basis and knows ive been there from the beginning and have gone to lengths to see her in her biggest moments.

[youaremysunshiness]

answers

1. nothing atm

2. i was 16. he bit my lip. it was horrible. i had my eyes open for most of it.

3. too many. i usually make them based off of feelings that i feel or a particular vibe certain songs make me feel. like, i will make a playlist that sounds like summer to me or spring

4. baking. i burn everything i cook and i get it from my mom 😖

5. watching kids shows lol. last night i was watching my little pony because it brought me comfort shhhh

6. i try not to regret things. i try to learn from my mistakes and keep it moving. you can always make it better by choosing to learn from your mistakes.

7. andrew garfield. he’s a cutie. what can i say.

8. english and a little bit of spanish, but not a lot 🙂‍↕️

9. in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. amen. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been ten years since my last confession. I confess that I never paid attention in CCD. Forgive me.

10. that’s so hard. but i think it might be the bell jar. the book changed my life

11. i don’t know. it changed so often. i think i wanted to be an author the most, though.

12. i have two little dogs and i love them so much.

13. i am the oldest of three girls.

14. 5’6

15. my boobs. they are too small 😔

16. pie day 🥧

17. saying “YOLO” in 2012 unironically and owning a t-shirt with the letters in bright neon colors AND WEARING IT IN PUBLIC

18. an education

19. yes when i was 19 🫢

20. nope

21. “Modern Love” by David Bowe or any song from the Frances Ha soundtrack evokes very happy memories for me, or “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves because it reminds me of childhood and it was my favorite song as a kid

22. “My Way” by Frank Sinatra. I cannot hear that song without crying because they played it at my uncle’s funeral when i was a kid and it was very traumatic

23. face time

24. i don’t have a partner but if i did i’d like being called my love, love, or lovey

25. i don’t believe that everyone should be expected or pressured to talk about their political beliefs on social media if they don’t have all the facts or if they don’t feel well-informed enough. sometimes everyday, regular people help causes outside of social media and don’t always share how they contribute to causes because they have a small platform or they don’t want to share misinformation.

26. yes but it depends on the person and the circumstances always

27. i’m strong, i’m kind, and i’m true to myself

28. i thought i would never have the guts to go to film school to become a director because i thought i couldn’t do it

29. i think the older i get, the more i feel like my childhood self, except i’m a lot wiser, and more discerning when it comes to the people i allow into my life and i’m so much more comfortable in my own skin. when i was growing up, i always changed myself for others and im glad i know myself now

30. I met Phillip Phillips when he was on American Idol and I also met Patricia Kelly (Gene Kelly’s wife) at one of Gene Kelly’s musical awards for high schoolers. i remember it so vividly. she asked me where the bathrooms were and she introduced herself. we bonded over our names and she shook my hand with her purple leather gloves on and she was wearing a fabulous purple leather dress. my brain didn’t register that it was Patricia Kelly and after she left, my mom whispered to me, “that’s Gene Kelly’s wife,” and i was like 😶

31. what is your favorite movie?

Beauty and the Beast (1991), not the shitty remake

Really Get To Know Me

Threw together a small list of questions to ask to get to know everybody better.

What do you do for work?

Tell me about your first kiss.

What playlists do you have on your phone?

Do you like cooking or baking more?

Guilty pleasures?

Something you regret.

Celebrity crush?

How many languages do you know?

Make a confession.

What's your favorite book?

What was your childhood dream job?

Do you have any pets?

How many siblings do you have? Are you oldest, middle, or youngest?

How tall are you?

What's something you're insecure about?

When is your birthday?

Embarrassing memory?

What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought?

Have you ever had a one night stand?

Have you ever been caught doing the do?

A song that evokes a good memory?

A song that evokes a bad memory?

Do you prefer phone calls, facetime, or texting?

Your favorite pet name from your partner? (baby girl, honey, brat, etc.)

What's a controversial opinion you have?

Do you believe in second chances?

3 things you love about yourself.

What is something you are sure you'd NEVER do?

How different is your actual adult self from how you pictured it when you were little?

Have you ever met a celebrity?

Free Pass! (Ask whatever question you want to know that's not on the list)

[purplesurveys]

1855

Catching up with my liked surveys, don't mind this quick Christmas-themed one! Or do, whatever floats your boat!

When was the last time you saw snow? ❄️ I have never seen snow and remain to be curious about it. How does it feel like when it lands on you - like drops of rain or like soft fluffy feathers or am I super off? What does it look like up close? Can you actually lie in it without freezing your ass off? It will be A Day when I finally encounter snow, hahaha.

What's your favorite color for a Christmas tree to be besides green?🎄 Green has always felt the most Christmassy, but white also has a certain classy feel to it too.

What are three of your favorite things to do when it's snowing outside? I don't know, I can't relate. I imagine I'd have a sensory interest in it the way I like to play with sand, though.

Which name do you like best for a girl: Gloria, Joy, Holly, Victoria, or Crystal? Holly's cute, it reminds me of Breaking Bad. Victoria is a nice name too but mostly a hit-or-miss for me, as there have been some Victorias who are cool but I've also met some annoying Victorias lol. 

Do you own a mini tinsel Christmas tree? 🎄 I don't think I do.

What did you get for Christmas this year? AirPods from my parents, a bunch of knickknacks from my sister but my favorite from her would be a daily journal + a wooden box that plays the chorus of Spring Day; a couple of Namjoon's book recos from Angela...my memory is annoyingly failing me for the rest.

Would you rather bake gingerbread cookies or build a snowman? 🤎☃️ If we're going with things that'd feel more festive to me, I'd pick the cookies.

Have you ever built a snowman out of something that wasn't snow, and if so, what did you use? ⛄️ No. It wouldn't be a snowman then...?

What's the most creative thing you've ever put on top of a Christmas tree? 🎄 Idk we don't really have much allowance to be all witty because my mom would instantly go tHaT's BlAsPhEmY.

Would you say you are joyful and triumphant? Last year I felt neither but I didn't feel shitty either. It was just a meh year.

Which name do you like best for a girl: Epiphany, Winter, Holiday, Laurel, or Grace? Grace.

Do you prefer gingerbread cookies, snickerdoodles, or sugar cookies? I've never had a snickderdoodle but they sound like a delight.

When was the last time you felt completely at peace? 😇 Earlier this month when my term with the account I negotiated to be let go of, ended.

What is your favorite type of pie to eat around Christmas time? 🥧 We don't really eat pie, like in general as Filipinos. That being said the closest thing we have, and it just so happens to be a Christmas treat – is a rice cake called bibingka but personally I'm not a fan.

What is the most creative thing you've ever used as a sled? 🛷 I've never sled(?)ded(??) before.

Would you rather eat fruitcake, angel food cake, or a spice cake? ���� I'd give the spice cake a try. I've never heard of it before so I had to look up the ingredients, but even though the combination of spices sound scary and almost gross it definitely still sounds better and more intriguing than horrible horrible fruitcake and boring angel food cake.

Which name do you like best for a girl: Starla, Stella, Angel, Hope, or Victory? Angel. All Angels I know are great people.

Do you like eggnog? I've never had but have been dying to know what it tastes like.

Have you ever made a heart with candy canes for a selfie? I don't think so.

Have you ever used Google's Santa Tracker to see where Santa is on his journey around the earth? 🌎💫 Nope.

What are your favorite Christmas carols? I don't really have a favorite.

Would you rather decorate with a poinsettia, icicle lights, or a tinsel wreath? The lights.

Which candle scent do you prefer: vanilla or cinnamon? Cinnamon sounds and smells like a treat.

Do you like peppermint? It's fine.

Would you rather drink a chai latte, hot chocolate, or a peppermint mocha? ☕️ Either the hot chocolate or peppermint mocha. I've never had a chai latte so not really sure what it would taste like.

Have you ever made your own snow globe? Nope.

Would you rather eat a snow cone 🍧 or ice cream made of snow 🍨? Snow cone. I live in the Philippines – that latter option sounds so unhygienic and gross. Our tap water isn't even potable, so it would be nearly impossible to convince me to make food out of anything that falls on the ground lol.

What is your favorite color for Christmas lights to be? Yellow just gives off that cozy, homey vibe that I love so much. Other colors can never hit it the same way.

Are you having a white Christmas this year? ⛄️ Idk does a white Christmas mean like it's snowy? If so, no.

Have you ever put a Santa hat on your dog? 🐶🎅 Not a hat, but I've had Kimi wear a Santa outfit before so he could turn into his holiday alter ego, Santa Kimi hehe. I got one for Cooper last year but I way way way underestimated his fat ass size and we never were able to put it on him past the head lmao.

Have you ever put a Santa hat on your cat? No.

How many Christmas cards did you receive this year? That's not really a tradition here.

What are you wearing today? Nothing Christmassy, that's for sure haha.

If you could choose between being one of Santa's elves for a day, being a reindeer for a day, or being a snowman for a day, which would you choose, and why? Reindeer, it'd be cool to travel to different places the way they do haha.

Which name do you like best for a girl: Sparkle, Crimson, Ginger, Wonder, or Ruby? Ruby.

Which one of these adjectives would you say describes you best at the moment: peaceful, joyful, blessed, grateful, or jolly? Peaceful.

What are three ways in which you have been blessed this year? 🌟 Answering this from an end-2023 perspective – 1) More time with family, 2) Dogs were healthy all year, 3) Got to travel abroad twice. 

Which name do you like best for a cat: Marshmallow, Snowball, Cinnamon, Nutmeg, or Joy? Nutmeg sounds hilarious as a name yet so endearing.

Are you wearing anything red or green right now? No.

What was your favorite Christmas movie that you watched this year? Love Actually.

Did you make a new playlist of Christmas songs this year? 💃🎶 No.

And last but not least, did you enjoy this survey? Sure! Even though I'm answering it in 50ºC summer weather in April! 

[tolbachik]

Hi! I hope you’re doing well :D

Yeah, sun sets really early here as well. When I drive into school it’s still dark, and once I get out the sun’s already setting. I wish there was a way to have the temperature of winter, but the daylight hours of fall or spring lol

Latin is a whole lot of fun! I’ve been studying for 3 years now. I still have a little ways to go, but I should be ready for the seal of biliteracy exam by this spring :] I think I only have to learn future tense and a couple more tenses of participles

I hope you feel better soon! I’m so glad you got to use your telescope again, that sounds so cool! Astronomy is such a fascinating topic. I never got much into it because I was so intimidated by how large of a topic it was, so I always held a great respect for people who are into it. How’d you get into astronomy, if you don’t mind my asking?

Thanks for checking out Talking Heads and King Crimson for me :D Both of them were kinda intimidating for me at first because of how large their discographies were. If you like Fripp’s guitar work on Giles, Giles, and Fripp then you’ll definitely like 80’s King Crimson, the genres are very different but Fripp’s guitar work still has the very distinctive and, for the lack of a better word, Frippy (Frippish? Frippesque?) sound to it. Fripp actually played lead guitar on the Talking Heads song I Zimba, and you can really hear it throughout the track. Once again showing how seemingly every musician is connected lol

Unfortunately I couldn’t find that Neurovision extended release, but I’ll continue my search tomorrow! This morning I listened to Wonderful World and I especially liked the tracks Second Hand, Vertigo, and Radio-Radio, but the whole album was amazing! I can definitely hear how it had a different sound from Neurovision, but I still really liked it. Some of the tracks reminded me of something one of my friends would listen to, so I almost wonder if they played Telex in the past and I just didn’t realize it. I’ll have to ask them about it the next time I see them!

I checked out your art blog and it’s all super cool! I didn’t reblog anything so I wouldn’t reveal my identity, but once December is over I’ll definitely go back and give those well deserved likes and reblogs :D All of your paintings are really nice, I especially liked the Titan and Saturn one. The global worming piece had me giggling, I’m a sucker for a good pun!

Also, I wasn’t sure where to put this, but I’d love to hear about your novel, if you wouldn’t mind sharing. I hope you have a good day/night! :]

- 🎲

Hello again! Same to you, I hope you've had a good day!

Aw man, that sounds real rough; I'm sorry you have to go through that! I hope that you can find some nice ways to get through the lack of sun, no matter how small it is. You've got this!

That's great to hear, I'm proud of you! Congrats on coming so far with all that, I can only imagine how much effort you put into all of that. What's your favorite thing about Latin, and what made you decide to get into it? And, lastly, did you read the Cambridge Latin Course at all? That's what I had read for my Latin studies, and I still remember all the characters very vividly lol

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words! That's totally fair, and honestly? The scale of things unnerves me still sometimes! Like, when I first captured the Andromeda galaxy through my telescope, I had to go in just because of how creepy it was. Also, I've had a love for space and space exploration for as long as I can remember! According to my mom, I was interested when I was 3, and it's just kinda grown since then!

Of course, I'm looking forward to it once I have the time! I've kinda kept away from bigger and more popular bands for no real reason, so I'm excited! Thank you again for all the suggestions, I appreciate it. Ooh, that's good! I really liked their earlier stuff, so it definitely'll be exciting to see what they kept, and how they evolved as they moved on. It's really nice to see how many musicians got together and helped each other out, isn't it? Aww, checking now, I think it did get taken down. It's really hard finding Telex b-sides, unfortunately! I do have the CD ripped to my computer though, if you'd ever like me to send you a copy! I'm so glad you liked it! Also, I can't wait to hear if it was them or not; it's always interesting to see if you actually have heard a band in the past before or not!

Aww, thank you for checking it out & all the kind words! I really wish I had the energy to get back into it, I really enjoyed just sitting down and painting landscapes. I have so many ideas, so maybe someday! And I totally understand; no worries! Do you like to do art, write, or anything like that?

Thank you for asking! I'm incredibly shy sharing it with anybody, but long story short, I've been working on a hard sci-fi book series revolving around an alien race's journey through history, and finding their place in the universe. I'm only partially through one book so far, and I've got like 7 planned total. It's going to be a long and tough process, but it's something I'm very passionate about & looking forward to completing!

I hope you have a great rest of your day! Take care!

[willianghostwriter]

Elio's Awakening (Call Me By Your Name fanfic)

I wrote this one last year in a way to celabrate the 5th anniversary of Call Me By Your Name movie. (Here's the original in Portuguese)

Number of words: 12.813

Main caracter: Elio Pearlman

Hope you enjoy it!

Would I get over it? Would I be able to move on? 

 After that call, I was feeling everything at the same time, as a six-week movie was rolling in my head. I wasn’t sad, but I wasn’t happy either, although I was feeling alive, my head was full, and I was feeling a little stunned. 

 My parents were setting up the table for dinner and I didn’t want to say anything, I couldn’t. 

 I was flipping a coin that was at the table, betting: If he still loves me... heads... yes... tails... no... It flipped heads... yeah... What difference would it make. He was not there anymore. I didn’t know when or if I would see him again. 

 I sat in the front of the fireplace to heat up from the melancholic cold I was feeling. I just could think of him. Elio, Elio, Elio... Oliver, Oliver, Oliver. 

 My mom called me to the table. I woke up from the trance I was in. 

 — How is Oliver, mon amour? — My mom asked politely. 

 — He’s fine! Did you know that he’s getting married next spring? — I couldn’t hide the bitterness in my voice. 

 — Yes. And he sounded very happy with that. — My father said harshly, as he was putting an end to the conversation. 

 We were still serving ourselves. 

 My mother gave a glimpse at my father trying to say: “Don’t be so hard on him”. 

 He looked back at me softly. 

 — Are you wistful to go back to school? — My mother asked, being trite. 

 — Whatever. NYU it’s what matters to me now. 

 — We were very excited about your letter. — My father said, satisfied, stretching his hand trying to reach my hand to stroke. He looked at me with pride. 

 Winter’s holiday otherwise from summer’s, went through slowly, as I could feel each day passing, each hour. Always thinking of him, in his witty eyes, even though youthful, his impeccable blonde hair combed at the right side, his face lines beautifully draw, fine and classic, in the way he would use his shirt leaving two or three buttons free, so one could see his thin, but fit chest, to complete the whole movie star look that would glimpse the attention of anyone that could be on the same room with him. Everyone just waiting for his “later”, when he would be leaving. 

 I’ve spent most of the time playing and transcribing music, doing the only thing that could not make me think of Oliver. At every note that I would play in my piano; I would go deeper in my dreams. 

 I was always trying to think about NYU and how amazing it would be to share my experiences with other colleagues that perhaps may would be better than me, but in a way that I could get better at my compositions.  

 I was feeling apathetic when school returned. I wanted all of this to end soon, so I could get out of there fast. It seemed to me that every corner of that city, where I would look at or pass through, would remind me of him. 

 Although, my friends were cool. It is funny how each one of them could bring something different to the group: Francesco was funny, he could seem stupid sometimes, but he could be the best at writing as any other from our class; Paolo was the most charismatic from all of was, always knowing what to say and was the best at sports; Luisa had an unique sense of style, but still dressing with the most refine fashion, and even if she looked cold, she was the one that always knew something was wrong with anyone; Luigi and I were the closest, we were always together at everything we were doing. He didn’t have a very strong personality, always trying to reach me at piano, listening what I was recommending, reading what I was reading, but he was a great friend with a heart of gold.   

 None of them could even imagine what I lived in the last summer, because we didn’t pass it together and after we came back from the holidays, I didn’t talk much about it.  

  They didn’t care much at the beginning, but they were suspicious. Occasionally they would ask me about it, but I’d always dodge it, trying to change the conversation.  

 They started to look concerned and curious with what happened then. 

 At the winter we ended up only talking by phone, but they couldn’t get much more out of me. When they would ask me how the summer went, I would answer: 

 — It was good. — Trying to be short with the answers. 

 — The guest of the summer? Hum, as usual. — Hiding the true words, I would use to describe Oliver. 

 — If I hooked up with anyone? — Yes, with person that I loved the most in my life. — No, I just spent time with Marzia, Chiara, Cousins and some friends that came to visit us. 

 I didn’t know if they would understand everything that happened with me that summer. The desire, the shame, the doubt, the discovery... 

 That was a very special summer, a summer that I felt things I’ve never felt before. Maybe I still didn’t have the right words to describe it. Maybe I still wasn’t brave enough to share with everyone what happened in that summer. My dad and my mom knew what they saw with their own eyes, but I just could share a fraction of what I felt, with my father. I still couldn’t speak about all I’ve felt and I'm still feeling. 

  The second week of school was coming in and I was more observing and listening than talking and I was always being dragged around the school by my friends.  

 I was feeling the cunning looks by the eyes of Luisa that she was ready to tear me down and make me say everything that was going on inside my head. I was always humble with the words, but still always had something to say when the time was right. 

 Luisa never had to question me about what I was feeling because I’d always knew the right moment to tell her anything. But in that moment, all I wanted was to be alone, isolated, wondering, remembering of the moments that I was with Oliver, just simply not confess that I was suffering, that my head was going round and round, and it would always land at the same place. 

 — Are you going to spill it out or I’m going to have to start interrogating you? — Luisa caught me alone after school while I was going down to the direction of the nearest gelateria. 

 — I don’t know what are you talking about? — I tried to get myself together, pretending that I wasn’t caught with my guard down by someone that could read emotions through Praxiteles sculptors. 

 — You’ve been quiet, apathetic since last summer. — She looked at me condescending. Obviously, she couldn’t know what happened to me last summer, but she knew that I was not right. 

 — Your impression. — I smirked at her trying to pass the impression that I was okay. 

 — Luigi won’t say anything, but it’s apparently that he misses you. Don’t you? — That hurt me, but Luigi was the least person I needed now. So, I stood quiet and kept walking. 

 — Why don’t you want to tell? — She asked me as if she knew everything. 

 — I have nothing to tell. — What was true, but still was the greatest lie I ever told Luisa. 

 — Something happened in that summer, Elio. I will still find out what it was, you like it or not. — So, there she goes with her hands in her overcoat pocket, with a light speed walk and her cold air, but looking implacably on fashion. 

 On that week it seemed that my friends were getting tired of me, of my apathy, of my torturous silence. They didn’t say anything, just simply pulled away. Looking at me suspiciously and annoyed. Maybe hoping that way I would get closer to them again, to tell everything what was going on in my head and return to be myself again. 

 I didn’t care. Nothing else could beat me. I just thought: “Soon, this is over. We are not going to see each other again and everything would be different.” 

 On Friday, a new boy got in our French class. I glimpsed him, but nothing came to my attention.  

 “Con il respiro di um drago” the teacher sent the boy to seat by my side. 

 He came walking with an impeccable posture. He had a messy hair, but in a way that looked cool, wearing light jeans, a thin black sweater with a plaid green overcoat thrown over his shoulder and carrying his school bag on his hands. 

 — Piacere di conoscerti, mi chiamo Viktor. — He stretched out his hand for a shake. 

 — Le plaisir est pour moi. —  I said to him, rolling my eyes and turning my face the other way. 

 When I looked back, Viktor was smiling and with an interested look in his eyes. 

 — Something wrong? — I asked him defensively. 

 — Rien. — He answered it back with a smirk, with a mysterious and satisfied look, hanging his overcoat in the backrest and setting his supplies on the table. 

 Something in that look, intrigued me. 

 When I was going home that day, Luigi reached me. 

 — Do you already have a partner for the French essay? — He asked casually, as if we weren’t talking for the last two weeks. 

 —Yes. — I didn’t mean to sound so arid, but I wanted to end that conversation soon as possible. 

 — Who? — He asked immediately. Blushing at the same time. 

 — Viktor, the new boy. — I answer it without looking at him. 

 — Hum.... He looks cool. 

 — I don’t know... there’s something about him... 

 — You don’t like him? 

 — I do... it’s just that... ã... — I don’t know why I gaged to answer — I don’t know yet. 

 — Well, you’re going to have two months to find out. The essay is going to take the rest of the winter to get done. — I didn’t know that. I still wanted to be alone, just with my own thoughts. I wasn’t paying too much attention to the classes. 

 — Great. — I said ironically but trying to put an end in that conversation. 

 Luigi stared at me for a while, looking like he wanted to say something. 

 — So, we see each other at school. — I said, giving him a smirk to seem like everything was fine and not to seem so rude. 

 — See you around. — Luigi gave me a shy nod, standing still, there for a couple of minutes, staring at me, until he came back to his senses and continue his way home. 

 On the next Friday, at the French class, while everyone was coming in, I went sitting next to the window at the back of the classroom. My friends generally used to sit on the first tables in the front row. They looked at me from there while they’d talk to each other, probably wondering if something was wrong. 

 Paolo came to my direction. 

 — What’s going on, Elio? — He asked me point-blank. He was looking upset. 

 — You must tell me. I'm the one who was push away and must deal with ten-year-old kids. — I said sarcastically, but with a straight face, defying his ton. 

 He starred at me, looked me in the eyes and said: 

 — You are not fine. We’re friend for like what? Our whole life? We’re not the closest to each other, but I know you. You’re different. You’ve changed since you’ve met someone last summer. 

 How could I tell I've fallen in love with a man. A man I desired more than any other I’ve ever desired in my whole life, a desire that would make ice burn in fire. It was not a regular thing for a teenager. I could not tell. I’d rather ghost in my friend’s life rather than leave this awkwardness among us. I didn’t know how to tell the truth to everyone. So, I just said: 

 — I just want to be alone. That’s it. — The mood got cold as the winter that was hanging over the continent. 

 — Bene allora! — He said hardly, as if he was saying good-bye. 

 At the same moment, Viktor came getting ready to seat by my side. He looked at Paolo excusably and glimpsed at me wondering: “What’s up with this boy?”. Paolo gave a quick look at Viktor, then at me, as he was concluding. 

 — Very much alone. — He said to me, with a disappointment in his eyes, turning around and going back to our friends. 

 — Is everything okay? — Viktor asked, worried. 

 — Yes, it is. There was just a misunderstanding. — I answered without looking at him. 

 — Bene! I’ve realized that your French is very good. Have you ever lived there? — He gave me an interested look, but casual. 

 — Oui, J'ai de la famille en France et je veux y vivre un jour. — I didn’t know if he has understood, but I wanted to impress him. 

 — You don’t need to brag. — He said with a funny look in his face and a smile in his mouth. — I speak a little too. Perhaps I will live there one day, who knows? — Have I humiliated him? 

 — Did you get it? 

 — I did, everything you said. I’m just not fluent. — He said, trying not to be so humble. 

 — Can I let you make the whole French essay, then? — I said to him, trying to make things better. 

 He smiles at me and looks like he’s having some fun out of it. 

 — Only if you promise me to show around. — Was he flirting? 

 — Avec plaisir. — Was I flirting back? 

  We passed the whole school break talking. 

 — Where are you from? — I asked him while I was observing his face. He had fine face lines just as Oliver’s. Blue eyes. Thin lips. Maybe if he’d combed his hair to the side, he could look decent.   

 — I’m from here. Milan, I mean. But I moved to Russia when I was ten. Moscow, the third Rome. My family is from there. — The Russian boy. He wasn’t well articulated, not as Oliver was, but he was insightful. 

 — What about you? Are you from here too? — He put his hands on his overcoat’s pocket when he did this question. The shy boy. 

 — I was born in Cambridge, Massachusetts, near Boston. My father did college and worked for some years there. My maternal grandparents were Italians and I have uncles and cousins from France. An atypical combination. — I smiled. It was what I said to Oliver on our first conversation. But the shy boy and I had something in common: Both of us were born and raised in different places. 

 — What do you like to do around here? — He asked me. I was starting to like this boy. 

 —In the winter there’s not much to do, but I have an interest in music. So, I pass most of the time playing the piano, transcribing music, reading books and going to the only cinema around, in Pandino, with my friends. When it’s exhibiting something worthwhile, at least. — I smiled remembering the moments of fun between me and my friends we had before last summer. I glimpse at them gathered around and hanging like we always used to do in the breaks. — I can take you there, someday. 

 — It would be nice. — He suddenly got closer and fix the collar of my shirt. 

 — You have a nice look for a Russian. Where did you learn how to dress? — Giving a second look, he really seemed very stylish and good looking. 

 — Oh, Moscow is a huge city, so I met many people with diverse interests there. But I didn’t care much about fashion until I met Maxim. He’s the most genius person I’ve ever met in my whole life. He introduced me to the biggest stylists in the world and how fashion can be a way of expression and art. — He sounded proud while he was speaking. — But most of my references comes from the fashion magazines. Mainly the French ones. And I also... 

 — They are facing us right now. — I grabbed Viktor’s arm and turned us backside. 

 — Who? — He looked into my eyes and then to my hand in his arm. I let go immediately. 

 — Paolo, Luisa, Francesco and Luigi were facing us. I think it’s better we should go that way. — Then we went slowly strolling, as we were not being observed, into the direction of the gym.  

 — What is the best activity to do around here? — Viktor suddenly asks. 

 — I go to the arts club. But they aren’t much. It’s a little cheap to be honest. — Viktor went through the activity board looking for something. 

 — Hum... they could have a fashion designing club, around here. I bet I’d be the only boy in the club, anyway. — We look to each other and laughed. — Arts club, better not. What do you suggest then? — He turned to me, looking for help. 

 I wasn’t paying much attention. I was watching the boys in the gym playing some volleyball match. I remembered of Oliver and his naked large shoulders, sweat from the sun, fast in the volleyball square at the back of my family’s summer house. At that time, I was still denying any good feelings about him. I was grumpy for the way he charmed everyone already in the first week, when, deep inside it was budding a desire.  

 — What about the sports club? — I’ve said turning around to look at his big wild blue eyes with a large smile in my face. 

 — Are you sure? I don’t know if sports are my forte. — He wonders for a minute, considering the option. 

 — Well, you’ve got the physical for this, at least. — He was tall and slim and had a good body, thinking about it. — And is always good to combine some physical activity to help to improve some others cognitive abilities. — It wouldn’t be so bad to see that boy, shirtless, sweaty and showing off to everyone. 

 —Yeah, maybe you’re right. I used to play football back where I lived in Milan. It’s settled, then! — He opened a bright and shiny smile, what remind me of Oliver, then put his name on the list. 

 — Do you practice any sports? — He asks me while I was admiring his thin and pinkish lips. 

 — What? what?... Oh!... not regularly. I’ve been spending more time playing my piano than playing in the fields. But I like to swim and enjoy the water in the summer. — I blushed a little, hoping he didn’t notice I was staring at him. 

 — You should put your name on it, too. That way we could both get out after the match and know the city better. — He smirked, putting his hands in his overcoat’s pocket, trying to disguise the shyness. — Anyway, is always good to combine some physical activity to help to improve some others cognitive abilities. — We looked to each other and laughed.  

 He realized I was reluctant to put my name on the list, so he grabs my hand very gently, positioned in the board and write it down.  

 I blushed, but I smiled. We exchanged a significant look for a moment.  

 — It’s settled, then! — After he release my hand, I take my fingers to his mouth and gently rubs his lips.  I didn’t know what I was doing. I tried to disguise and make it appear that I was wiping his mouth. Luckly, no one around noticed.  But he seemed to like it. 

 The bell rings.  

 — I’ll take you to my secret spot, after class. — I haven’t gone to Fontanile since that day with Oliver. 

 The weather was nice for a winter, so I thought it would be a good idea for us to go with bike there. We went to my family’s apartment, my parents weren’t home, so I went straight to the basement to grab my bike and my old dad’s bike. 

 — Is it off town? — He seemed excited. 

 — One hour by bike. — I looked over my shoulder to see his reaction. — But it’s worthwhile, you can bet on it. — He was astonished with a large smile on his face. 

 I had already put my bike out of the deep of the basement, because it’s more used, but my dad’s bike was trapped in some Anchise’s old tools. Viktor came to try to help to pull it out and when it let go, I ended up falling above him. I didn’t knock him down, but I was face to face with him. We stared each other eyes for a moment and an impulse to kiss him, right there, emerged. I hold myself together for a second, dodging at the same moment when he went for a kiss. I was completely embarrassed, but that situation made it more excited to go back to Fontanile. 

 When we got there, nothing’s had changed. I was hypnotized, admiring the whole place for some minutes. The tree at Monet’s berm where Oliver and I gave our first kiss, the river with the freezing water (according to Oliver). 

 Although many flees were missing the old branches tree and the shallow river was with a truly freezing water, I still could feel myself at that warm day in that summer. I closed my eyes, and I could smell the sweet fragrance of the verdure, the crickets singing and the desire to be close to him. I must’ve looked like a fool, standing still with my eyes closed for so long that Viktor said: 

 — It must be a long time you don’t come here. — I woke up from my memories and looked at him. He was with his pants hem folded until almost to the kneels, his overcoat was folded carefully above his backpack, and he seemed happy there, staring at me with a with a lustful, grateful look in his eyes at the same time. He would do the unthinkable. He would enter the water. 

 — It really does six months since I’ve been here. But I feel like it was yesterday the last time. — I was approaching where Viktor was, at the ground stair that leads to the river, so I could stop him from going in. — Perhaps the water is too freezing for you to going in, don’t you think? — I’ve reached beside him and tried to appear like I knew what I was talking about. 

 — Well, maybe it is, but we will find out only if I get in. — And by saying that, he jumped into the river, with a large smile on his face and holding his hem. At the exact moment his feet were under the water, he came back jumping with a leg and another and lowing screaming until he reached the ground stairs again. 

 — Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh.... 

 I was laughing, no, bursting into laughing, so hard that even for a moment I forgot where I was. He stood in front of me with a malicious face. Suddenly, he starts to throw water from the river at me. Yeah, the water was really freezing. 

 — Ok, ok... I’m not laughing anymore. But you must assume that the water is truly freezing. — He stood, out of nowhere, rest his face and did the unpredictable: He let himself fall into the water, the whole body. I stood there with no reaction, although astonished. For a second, I had the impulse of jumping into that river with him. 

 He left out of the water shaking till the bones.  

 — I said the water was too cold. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. — I was giving a hand to help him get out of the river. Anyway, Viktor was still with a satisfied face. 

 — The better experience there is, my man. — We looked to each other with a smirk. He got out of the river, but he was still shaking to the bone. His lips were purple. I took his overcoat and took him the further away from the river possible, fearing he would try another dive into it. 

 — You said you had come from Russia and not from a mental house. — We sit upon the hill, near the tree. I covered him with his overcoat to try to warm him and was squeezing his hands, but everything seemed effortless. 

 — I’m freezing to my core soul, but I don’t regret. — He truly seemed satisfied with that experience. — In Russia, when we are camping at a very cold winter night, we take our clothes off and warm ourselves using our bodies heat. — He said that without eye contacting me. I simply started to take my clothes off. He looked at me and got a bit surprised by that, but soon he was taking his clothes off too. When we both were completely naked, one in front of another, I just hugged him. 

 We just hugged each other. It seemed like a quick, weird hug you give when you just meet someone. The situation was getting weirder. 

 — It would be an odd time to have an erection, right now. — He said, after a while. I smiled. 

 — Or maybe not. We could get warmer. — I said back. I felt him blushed, but then he laughed. 

 That conversation seemed to break the ice between us. And the hug became stronger. I tried not to touch my leg in his penis, but we were so stick together that it was inevitable. We heat it up. He had the skinny and large shoulders, just as Oliver. 

 He’s making me remember of Oliver when we were in that position was making me hard. I closed my eyes and felt back the heat of Oliver’s legs against mine, the way I used to hold his back when we were having sex, the way I felt him inside me... 

 — Ã... I think I’m warm enough now. — He let go of me. And I came back to reality. I wasn’t entirely with a hardon, but my dick was giving signs of life. Viktor didn’t seem embarrassed, though.  

 — I’m sorry! — I was so embarrassed and quickly put my clothes on.  

 — Everything is fine. Really. These things happen all the time. — He was being generous. 

 We go back to the city and when we arrived at my home, I was still a bit embarrassed.  

 — You shouldn’t be this way, Elio. I think it would be impossible not to have a half erection in that situation. I believe this happens with every Russian, but they keep it as a secret. You know, Russians are good on keeping secrets. — He really seemed okay with that. So, I eased a bit. 

 — We still must start to make the French homework.  — I tried to redirect the conversation to another topic. But we indeed needed to start to write the essay. We already lost a week. 

 — True! What’s the theme, again? — We were already talking to each other as nothing had happened. 

 — L’Avenir! I will be the grumpy old man and you will be the loopy one. — I said dead serious, as a doctor give the diagnosis of a life or death. He laughed. 

 — A loopy old man who likes to swim at freezing waters and a grumpy old one who tries to warm him up, in any way possible. — We looked to each other as we were holding a secret only ours.  

 — At my house tomorrow, then? — I wanted to introduce him to my parents. 

 — I can’t. Tomorrow I’ll have an obligation. I’m busy the whole week, actually. But on other Saturdays I’m all yours. If we could do the homework at my home, it would be better for me. — I was surprised he was so busy living in Crema, but I agreed on us seeing each other on the Saturdays at his house. 

 The only class, me and Viktor had in common was French, that it was on Fridays, but we always see it each other at the breaks. We always hang out the most time under the stairs that give access to the classrooms on the second floor. 

 He talks about how his life in Russia was, a bit about his relationship with his parents, not giving many details, and his will to go to live in France. 

 I related a lot with him and his desire to go as far as possible.  

 Viktor would talk about his life as he was revealing everything, but he still seemed like he was keeping a secret. Sometimes, when he was talking about Russia, it seemed that he was trying to run away from some details about his life there. 

 In our first meeting to write the French’s essay, he received me quite discreetly.  

 — Ciao. — He said while answering the door. He seemed sneaky, almost like I was coming into his house with no permission. 

 — Ciao. — I said it back, trying to sound as quiet as possible. He already has said that his mother was in the house all the time, because she was in a risky pregnancy. So, I imagined that this maybe was the reason why all the discretion.  

 — Let’s go upstairs at my room. — He said it, leading the way. 

 When we got there, it was a very big room, it almost looked like another apartment there. There was a double bed in one corner and in another corner, there was a grand piano and a cello leaning on a chair. 

 — You didn’t tell me you also played. — I gave him a quite surprised, but impressed look.  

 — Well, this is one of the reasons why I’m so busy the whole week. — When I looked at him, he had a sad look in his face. 

 We sat and put all the studying supplies at a round table that was set in the center of the room, with a couple chairs.  

 The French’s essay theme was “future”. The teacher let us write about anything, only if it was related with the word future. 

 — What do you want to be in the future? — I unpretentiously asked Viktor. 

 — I have a dream to go to Esmond, in France, to study fashion. I’d really like to become a Stylist. Release my own designs. See them show on a catwalk. — It seemed like I was staring at a mirror when I saw the sparkle on Viktor’s face. His emotion while speaking was the same, I feel when I talk about my own dreams. 

  — We should write as how we imagine ourselves until ten years from now. Turning our dreams come true and becoming who we want to be. — I was excited with that idea.  

 Viktor agreed, but he was crestfallen. 

 — Didn’t you like the idea? — I put my hand over his to show that I was worried.  

 — I did! I did! Yeah! — He suddenly looked at me smiling, take his hand from under mine, putting it over, giving it a little squeeze and then carefully double-tapping. 

 That way we would meet every Saturday at his place to discuss about the essay. 

  Viktor is amazing. We have a lot in common, but in every moment, I’d saw him on sports square or when we’d hang out at school’s break, I could just think about Oliver. For some time, I wasn’t thinking about him anymore, but as much as I was getting closer to Viktor, I remembered of him more and more. Viktor was different from Oliver, but at the same time they had a lot in common. They had some physics characteristics alike, such as their eyes, the height and face traces. Viktor is shy and introspective. Oliver appeared as shy, but he just waits for the right moment to act. Viktor was spiritous as him. Both were nocturnal, although Viktor wasn’t a creature of the night. Viktor was someone who remembered me of Oliver, but he could never become him. What a shame. 

 At a Monday night, I receive a call from Viktor: 

 — Hello? 

 — Hi! It’s me. — He was whispering. He didn’t need to introduce himself to me anymore. I could recognize him only by the voice.  

 — Mon russe préféré! To what do I owe the pleasure? — Viktor could be so introspective sometimes, he could forget about me for days, with no call or visit. He could be a worser friend than me, sometimes. 

 — Oh! I wanted to go out tonight. You were supposed to show me around, remember? — I have forgotten. He was already talking normally now. 

 — Alright! We could go to the cinema, in Pandino. It stays close to... — Piave’s battle memorial. Where I confessed what I was feeling for Oliver. 

 — Bene! Are we going with bikes? — I didn’t want to go. But I didn’t have many choices of places to take him. And I already have suggested the cinema. Brilliant! 

 We went with bikes and when we arrived at the downtown, I stopped in front of the monument. The air was fresh, the night was pleasing, I closed my eyes and I transported myself to that day of summer besides Oliver.  

 — Do you know what are the movies in exhibition? — Viktor stopped by my side. I’ve opened my eyes and turned to him, a little confused and hiding a smirk. 

 — Movies? — I asked him rhetorically. He looked at me confused. 

 I leaned my bike on the railing that protected the monument and went walking to the direction of the only Teather of the city and made a head signal for him to follow me. Viktor was naïve. Different from Oliver who was mature and knew very well the reality of the world. I think I could teach a thing or another to the naïve boy. 

 After the movie, we went to the nearest bar to buy some beverage and leaned over the monument’s railing.  

 — I used to like very much to go to the movies in Mocow, me and my friends. — Viktor was looking straight ahead, holding his botte.  

 — Russian’s movies should’ve been bored, don’t they? — For what I’ve known, Russian’s cinema was purely political propaganda. 

 — Yes, they were. But we’d go to the forbidden movies. Where they exhibit American’s films, and even some Italian’s films too. I used to have a great group of friends over there. Almost like yours. — He turned to me with a smirk and a nostalgic look on his face. 

 — I miss my friends too. — It was the first time that I was assuming this to another person. 

 — What happened between you all? I’ve realized that something strange was happening between you and them when I’ve got here. It wasn’t my fault, was it? — The affectionate and sensitive way he showed to care, captivated me. It reminded me of Oliver. 

 — No! Not at all. Things were already strange way before you arrived. It’s hard to explain. I don’t have the right words for this right now, how I didn’t have the right words to talk to them. — Even on that moment, I was still concerned to tell anything. 

 — You don’t have to explain nothing. Neither to me, neither to them. Whatever it is, if you don’t feel comfortable to talk about it, it’s your choice. — He was talking like he’d knew and understood what I lived and how I was feeling. 

 I held my head on his shoulder, closed my eyes and I remembered the way I used to feel safe and understood on the arms and shoulders of Oliver. 

 We stood there for what it looked like hours. 

 — Elio, it’s getting late. We better head off. — He said while he put one hand over my head, giving it a gentle stroke. I look up and sees Viktor’s teary eyes. 

 — You know, there’s some kind of things about me that I also can’t talk to anyone. Some things that are hard to explain. But I had a friend who understood me, because he was just like me. — I wasn’t understanding where he wanted to get with this. — Maybe, you should find someone who is just like you. — I looked at him, confused. I wasn’t understanding what he meant by “find someone who is just like you”. 

 — You know, I had someone who got me. Someone who felt the way I felt. — I wanted to tell him everything. Tell him about Oliver, from my love and from everything I lived with him. — Don’t you like our friendship? — I held him by his arm, like I was trying to not let him escape. 

 — I do, Elio. But I don’t know what you want from me. — I’ve got confused. I didn’t realize how close I’ve got from him over all this time. 

 — Do you want something more than a friendship, Viktor? — I looked in his eyes. I needed to know.  

 He stared me back. It seemed like he was taming himself to say something. 

 — I love you, Elio. I love you like a friend. But I don’t know if this love can turn into something more. — He let go his arm from my hand. He made a move like he was going away. 

 I liked Viktor, but not in the same way he seems to like me. I wanted him around because he reminded me of Oliver. I needed him around. 

 — Wait! — I held his arm again. — I want to be more than friends. Is this it, then? Do you like boys? Me too! We can get it right. — He turned and stared at me. Then, he got close to me, slowly, touching my face with one of his hands and kissed me. 

 The winter came to an end and with it our French essay. Although, I don’t see myself with Viktor in the future, he got very excited with our meetings. He wanted, despite my strong reluctance, to put in our essay, us both living together as “friends” in Paris, each of us going after of our dreams. Myself as a successful conductor, presenting my own compositions at the biggest Teather from Paris and Viktor as a successful stylist, working for some big brand such as Chanel. As I wanted to please him, I agreed. With the condition of adding how I imagined my life in the university in New York. Because this was my biggest dream to turn reality, some months ahead, but I still couldn’t stop thinking about it.  

 Our relationship after that night in Pandino got warmed. I didn’t want to relate to him the same way he wanted to me. He seemed to be in love and would always do these romantic things for me, such as: write little notes with caring messages and love letters declaring himself for me. I just kept going with this relationship because every time I’d close my eyes while kissing him, I’d think about Oliver. Every moment I was laying my head on his lap, while we were in Fontanile, I’d close my eyes and think about Oliver. All affection that I was feeling for Viktor was just because I’d imagine Oliver on his place. For a while it seemed to work, but in May’s eve we had a conversation: 

 — Elio, I’ll go to France. — We were in Fontanile, with my head lying on his lap. 

 — Yes, I know, it’s your dream. — I was with my eyes closed trying to channel Oliver. I didn’t know why he was talking about this on that moment. 

 — Yes, it’s my dream. But my parents want me to go in a short abroad to France. Well, at least I’ve got them to send me to go. — I opened my eyes. That took me by surprise. 

 — Alright... hum... you can go... — I didn’t know what to say. 

 — I know that you want me to go. And I will go anyway. But I will return only in the last week of the summer break. — He finished saying that as I had to assume something. — And we didn’t have sex yet. — Ha! I knew I had to assume something. — And I really wanted to go to France having already lost my virginity. — I put myself sitting and looked to him with a wondering face. — And I really wanted to be with you.   

 I would have no problem fucking Viktor, I mean, he’s quite attractive. We have already masturbated together before (I was thinking about Oliver the whole time, but I guess it’s still counts, doesn’t?) and we almost had sex once, right here, in Fontanile. The truth was that I just have had sex with only two people in my life to this point: Marzia and Oliver. With Marzia, it was a desire to relief me and explore the feminine body. With Oliver, it was sincere. It had been a desire beyond curiosity, it was something passional, something I thought that I was never going to feel for anybody else, and yet I have not felt like that again. What would I have to offer to Viktor? Would it be fair with the poor infatuated boy, to have sex without feeling the same way back? 

 — What if we waited your return? — I was a little nervous. I was using Viktor as a voo doo doll of Oliver this whole time. But he wanted something that would make sense, that would mark his life forever. I didn’t know if it was fair. 

 — We wouldn’t have time. It would be our last week together. Don’t you want to? — He said with a confusing expression on his face. The mood for love the way he was talking with me was fading and a mood for insecurity was coming out. — Have I done something wrong? I can do anything you want me to. I don’t have a lot of experience, but you could guide me through it. I could... — I needed to put an end to that agony. I needed to do what was right.  — Relax! It’s fine. Of course, that I want to! I mean, if it’s that important to you we have sex before you go to France... Mon amour, je vais te donner la meilleure nuit de ta vie!   

 On the way home, I was thinking if I have done the right thing, for certain. I have decided to have sex with Viktor because I wanted to please him, and in some kind of way return all the moments he made me feel like I was beside the true love of my life.  

 I was turn-on by Viktor. Every time we were kissing each other roughly, I’d always have a wood and I enjoyed those moments with him. But I was still in love with Oliver. I wanted to be kissing Oliver when I was kissing Viktor. I wanted to be grabbing Oliver’s dick when I was putting my hand inside Viktor’s pants. No! I would give the night Viktor wanted so much with me and soon enough when he would return from France, we’d say goodbye to each other and each one of us would follow their way in life.  

 When I walked in home, I left my bike in the entrance. When I was heading towards the stairs to my bedroom, my dad was sitting on the living room’s couch, reading a book. 

 — Elio! You seem anxious. Something happened? — My dad starred at me upside down. He knew how to read me better than anyone else in the whole world. Nothing seemed to escape his cunning eyes.  

 — No. I was just with a friend, chatting. — I haven’t sounded convincing.  

 — Maybe... wasn’t you thinking about Oliver? — He really knew how to read me. 

 — No. Why would I? — I said a bit off-color. — He must be getting married at this moment with... someone. I don’t have anything to do with that. 

 — Yes. In fact, he’s already married. — I looked confused at him. — He sent an invitation to his wedding. It was held on April 23rd, three weeks ago.  

 He was looking at me with a look of wisdom, as if he knew what he was doing. 

 I’ve got confused with that revelation. 

 — Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t we go? — I had a lump in my throat. I wasn’t used to feel angry with things or people. I have always thought that everything was part of life and a learning, but at that moment I got furious and with a wild desire to attack my father.  

 — It looks like you downed, Elio. — I couldn’t hide anymore. The tears were running down my face and my rage were probably showing off on my face. — I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to get hurt. I know you’d like to go, to see Oliver. Might one last goodbye. But that would just leave you tighten with the past you have with him.  

 — I’m already tighten to him. What we had together were strong enough to tighten both of us forever. — I whipped my tears. Saying that helped me drain a little of the rage I was feeling. — I think about him all the time, everywhere I go in this town, when I’m with anyone who is just a mere shadow of his memory. 

 — Is this what you’re doing with this poor boy? — He knew about Viktor. — You want so bad to be near Oliver that you’re pretending to love a boy who makes you remember him. Do you think it’s fair? — He asked me that as he didn’t carry a burden. 

 — It’s your fault too for not telling me about the wedding. For not showing me the invitation. For not have given me the chance of what could’ve been the last chance of saying goodbye to him, the way we deserved. You don’t have the right to question my morality. — I had already taken my anger. He didn’t own me anything more. 

 — He wouldn’t want that. You are aware of that. He made a call himself to talk about the wedding, in your winter break. He sent the invitation on behalf of me and your mother. He didn’t want you there. — I was already on my back, feeling triumphantly, towards the stairs, when that hit me like a stab in my back. — If you want to keep sleeping so you can dream about Oliver every time that you’re beside that boy, that’s fine. It’s your ethic, it’s your life. But when you realize that you spent your whole life dreaming and forgot to live, maybe it will be too late.  

 — Whatever. — That took the air out of my lungs. Knowing that Oliver didn’t want me around the day that could be our last goodbye. Knowing that I was fooling myself with Viktor and fooling the poor boy too. Knowing that I was thinking about Oliver all this time, when he was too busy with his academic life and with his wedding.  

 I ran upstairs. I was sad. I was finally feeling something real.     

 Elio, Elio, Elio. I woke up that morning with my whispers calling for Oliver, in the same way we used to do on bed. It was June 18th, Saturday. On this day I would have sex with Oliver, for the last time. 

 Since that discussion with my father that I found out Oliver didn’t want me near him anymore, my head was wondering between imagining myself in NYU’s corridors and through the lines of Oliver’s body. When I was alongside Viktor, I no longer saw him, I just saw Oliver there. I wanted Oliver there. When my hands travelled through his naked chest, it was my skin against Oliver’s skin. My skin against Viktor’s skin, were my skin against Oliver’s skin. I wanted Oliver there. 

 I got up from bed, even a little more excited than the usual of those last four weeks. I went to the sink and washed my face. 

 When I looked my reflection in the mirror, I noticed I was needing a shaving. 

 I went down the stairs to the living room and my parents were already in the kitchen taking breakfast. 

 — Morning, mon amour! — My mom said, caring as usual. — I prepared a couple of bacon with eggs for you, darling. — It was almost like she knew that I would be needing some extra energy for today. 

 — Good morning, Elio! — My father was strange since the last discussion. He doesn't make the passive-aggressive type, but every time we crossed each other, he looked at me with disapproval. We haven’t discussed the last topic anymore, so everything stayed the same, although.  

 — Good morning, everyone! — I went to the balcony and took the plate my mom did for me. My humor was increasingly getting better. Receiving the look of disapproval from my father day by day, was letting me depress, but on that morning, knowing what I would do tonight, it made me delight of rebellion on that look. 

 I spent the morning transcribing music. What keeps me distracting and not let me think about later tonight. 

 In the afternoon I met Viktor at the Piazza. We took a gelato and just chat. I was talking to him as I genuinely was paying attention at what he was saying, when I was thinking about Oliver the whole time. That night to Viktor was meaning the loss of the innocence. The seal from a lover to another. For me, that night was going to represent my last farewell with Oliver. The one that was took from me. The one that even Oliver, apparently, didn’t want to happen. 

The night came. We set up to have sex in Fontadine, because that was the place, we always meet each other on Saturdays to flirt, talk and masturbate together. This was our dating ritual. 

 Before I leave the house, I went to the wardrobe and took the blue shirt that Oliver gave to me before he left. I pressed the shirt against my face, my chest, closed my eyes and started to evoke the remembrance of his touch on my, the heat, the hair, the strength of his hands holding me in his arms. That made me hard. 

 Now I was ready to have my night. 

 I left quite surreptitiously to not wake up anyone. When I arrived there, he was already waiting for me. 

 — Ow! You’re so hard that I can see it through your jeans. Ha, ha, ha... — He was looking at what really mattered that night. 

 I head to him; I leaned down and started kissing him. He slides his hand towards my erection and stroked my dick very gently over my pants. I started unbuttoning the shirt he was wearing, kissing his neck and slowly going down his chest. 

 — I was missing you so much. — I wanted him to know that if my dick was so hard that way it was because of him. 

 — We saw each other on this... — I kissed his mouth. This night, he was mine. 

 As I went down my kisses, I was feeling a pressure growing in the middle of his legs. He was getting hard too. He was mine. 

 I unbutton his pants and put his dick on my mouth. The taste was the same as it used to be. How I missed that taste. I was blowing his cock, while he was mourning of pleasure. I wanted him to feel so much pleasure that night that he would call me by his name. I wanted him to feel all my love tonight. 

I took all my clothes off. He was already naked. I sat on his lap, looked inside his blue eyes and put his dick inside me. I started to move slowly, up and down, while we kiss. I carried on like this until the great summit. I was on the peak of my pleasure. I was coming. That moment I looked in his eyes and I couldn’t see Oliver anymore. 

— Oliver? Oliver? Oliver? — I called for him, holding his face. 

Viktor pushed me aside.  

— Oliver? Who is Oliver, Elio? — He seemed like he was harassed by a stranger. 

I lay down on the grass, chilling, exasperated and satisfied. I looked back to Viktor, and he was in fetal position, without understanding anything. I didn’t want to scare him. I just wanted to use him. 

— Look, I’m sorry. Do you remember that another person I told you who knew how I was feeling? That another person is called Oliver. I found out until recently that he got married to another person. Invited my parents but didn’t want me to go. I just wanted one last night with him. A farewell. — There was anger on Viktor’s eyes. The pain of being used this whole time. The fragile way he looked hounded, as a child. That was making me feel like shit. 

We stood there for a few minutes, absorbing what just happened, until he got his strength back, gets up hurried, gets dressed and leave, without saying anything. 

Viktor went away to France the next day. I tried to call him to try to say goodbye without looking in his eyes, but he’d hung up the phone every time he’d hear my voice. It seemed like all the weight of the disapproval looks my father gave me last month started to make effect. I was feeling sick. 

The summer’s vacation came and to think about Oliver, wasn’t a pleasant or nostalgic thing to do. To think about him was to remember of how I was sick. I walked away from my friends because I couldn’t share the “friendship” I had with Oliver. I was afraid of not being accepted. But they deserved the truth. I’ve met a boy as cool as Oliver was, but I never had the chance to know him better because I was too preoccupied the whole time on comparing him to Oliver. 

I had finally met someone who liked boys, the same way I do, but I couldn’t have had any sincere conversation about it because I just could only think about Oliver. 

We went to my family’s country house, and it was painful to walk in my bedroom for the first time since the last summer, when it was occupied by Oliver. I was sad and distressed.  

— Mon amour, why don’t you invite some of your friends to visit us? This could cheer you up a bit! — My mother came from behind, putting her hands in my shoulders while I was sitting at the yard in the front of the house. If my father knew how to read me like anyone. My mother was like nature around. Always knew what I was needing. 

— Yeah. That’d be good! — I got up and went to the house’s telephone. 

I tried to gather all my dignity to call to Luigi, Luisa, Francesco and Paolo, and invite them to come here. I had taken them away from me at the beginning of the year, and after I’ve started my friendship with Viktor, I just ignored their existence. 

— Elio? — Luigi was the first one I called. Maybe because of our closeness, he wasn’t holding too much grudge of me. 

— Yeah, it’s me. I just wanted to see you... 

— Of course! Anytime, my friend. — He sounded relief on the phone. 

 — There’s something I need to tell you. To all our friends. — I paused for a second. A knot was taking form in my throat. — I need to explain why I’ve been weird since the last summer.  

— Certo, amico. I’m sure you’re going to be the weirdest possible about it. Elio being Elio. — He laughed on the other side. I laughed too. 

I hung up.  

Dialed again. 

— Pronto? — Luisa’s voice never sounded so hard. 

— Hello! It’s me. — I’ve tried to sound funny, maybe I sounded weird. Maybe Luigi was right. 

— Elio? Mio dio! It’s been a while! I mean... how do you go away and come back out of the blue, as nothing had happened? I... — Luisa could be hard, but she is the mother of the group. 

— I know! I know! Forgive me! I didn’t want this to be the way it is. That’s why I want to see you and everybody together, today, so I can explain myself. I need to tell the reason I’ve been weird since the last summer. 

— Bene, amore! — She sounded in peace on the other side. 

I hung up the phone and dialed again. 

— Elio? Le tue gioie, amico! — Francesco seemed the happiest with my call. 

— Can we meet today? There’s something I need to talk to everyone. — With Francesco it seemed like he didn’t hold any grudge. 

I hung up the phone and there was only one more number to dial. 

Paolo was the one who got the most upset with me after I departed from the group. The way he used to look at me when we crossed each other at school, bordered on insignificance. 

— Pronto? — He answered the phone with the most charisma he always put in everything he does.  

— Hello? Paolo? — I gathered all my dignity to say that “hello”. 

— How do you have the balls to call me? — He sounded furious now. 

— I know! I know! I’m sorry! I need to talk... — He hung up the phone. Maybe I would not get to talk and explain myself to all my friends today. I just hope I haven’t lost Paolo for good.  

As they were coming, I was making everyone comfort in the living room. 

Everyone was standing, each one in every corner, forming a circle. All staring at me. 

— Well. I called all you here to tell what happened last summer. — It was costing me to say all those words. I could be only monosyllabic, sometimes. But I had to put it out. — I fell in love... 

— Yes, with a man. — Luigi said. I looked at him as he had revealed something terrible from my past. 

— Let Elio tell it, Luigi! — Luisa said, comprehensibly. 

— Yes, it was with a man. 

— We know, Elio. — Francesco said, as he was just revealing a plan from all four, I mean, three, had made. 

— But it wasn’t just that. — I wanted to tell all my desire for Oliver, explain how we met, everything I’ve felt and discovered with him. 

— Elio, everything is fine! — Luisa headed to me and gave a side hug. — You don’t need give the details of something that only belongs to you. We just wanted you to confess that you liked boys. Just that. — I was a bit confused now. Did they know everything? How? 

— How did you know? — I was a little afraid to ask that question. Maybe I wasn’t ready for the answer. 

— Elio, your cousin Mathéo told me that a couple years ago he saw you kissing a boy while your family were visiting. We already suspected that because, I mean, you’re a sensitive boy and very good on things. It’s your thing. Mainly because you were becoming weirder. — Luigi revealed. I stood there with no reaction. I didn’t know what to think, but a weight fell off my shoulders. It was like I was naked there, in front all of them, but without feeling ashamed or humiliated. I was comfortable being naked in front of my friends. — And we knew you must’ve got evolved with a man last summer. Your parents talked about your friendship with the last host. Then was to add two plus two. We didn’t want details of this relation. We just wanted you to feel comfortable to talk anything you’d like about it. 

We gathered and gave a group hug. 

— Take this, Elio. I wrote this one for you. — Francesco gave me a piece of paper. 

I looked and there was a poem on it. 

The boy from the music. 

The boy from the books. 

The boy intelligent. 

The boy with a heart. 

When you think that nothing lets us pass by, 

With your own way of saying things, your mysterious way. 

He’s always by your side. 

It doesn’t matter the season or temperature. 

Cold or hot 

He will always be there 

Making you feel dear 

Even far away, in dreams 

You will always be thinking about him 

Thinking about on his only way to be, 

As he will always be. 

He will always be there. 

I read and realized that I didn’t need to find the right words to say anything to them. I just needed to be present and be who I was. 

— Are you guys mad at me? — It was a naïve question. 

— Of course not! — All they said in unison. 

— Please, tell Paolo that I’m sorry. I didn’t want things to get to this point. — I gave a glance at Luisa who was by my side. She nodded with teary eyes. 

A month has passed since that night that I had sex with Viktor. I only could think about that since my last reunion with my friend. I didn’t know how to apologize with him for have used him the way I did. I tried to write a letter, but the pile of papers beside my desk was showing that I wasn’t being able to write anything good enough or sincere enough to say sorry. I had to look him in the eye. 

I decided to call Viktor to talk with me, here in my parent's country’s house, just the way it was with my friends. Until then, I was enjoying very well the summer with my friends and cousins. Unfortunately, Marzia couldn’t come visit us this year, but I was making a new friend with the new host, Jennifer. She was funny, very good spirited and beautiful, but I didn’t feel nothing like that about her. I didn’t like to use the word gay, but maybe I was gay, after all. 

In a very hot day, we were all gathered around the pool. 

— Elio, did you come to our graduation? — Luisa asked. She was sitting in a sun lounger, sunbathing using her sunglasses.  

— No! Did we have a graduation? — I was so obsessed about Oliver in our last week of school that I didn’t even bother to show up to the classes. — Was it cool? 

— It was nice. Paolo was our speaker. He did a good speech. 

I felt weird about it, so I just started to swing from one side to another. 

I’ve been starting to forget about Oliver and just could think about Viktor. So much, that a call caught me by surprised. 

— Hello! — I was excited. Just had to win a volleyball play. 

— Hello, Elio? — It was Viktor. All the guilt and regret came back weighting in my back. 

— Viktor? — An uncomfortable silence stood for a few seconds. — Are you okay? How it’s been there in Paris? — I wanted to do casual. 

— Actually, I’m not in Paris anymore, Elio. I got sick and had to come back home. — I thought this was strange. It must’ve been something serious that he couldn’t get a treatment in Paris. 

— We need to talk. — We both said it at the same time. 

I still haven’t played anything on the piano that was in the living room. And even with my school friends there, our friends from France and our family coming, the house sounded silent. 

Viktor insisted for us to talk in his house tomorrow. 

I stared at the mirror and tried to rehearse a conversation with Viktor: 

— I feel so sorry for everything! 

— I was sick. Living in a dream about a past that wouldn’t come. 

— Oliver was the first love of my life, and the romance we had was something that marked me inside for my whole life. I know, I know. This isn’t excuse enough to use somebody the way I used you, but I’m recognizing my own mistake. I just want you to understand that it was something impulsive. I was just acting by my desire. 

Would those words be enough? 

I went outside, in the front yard, and felt the sun heat burn in my face. I looked around and saw my mother in her orchard, my father sitting at the table taking an espresso, some people swimming by the pool and enjoying the water further away. Everything seemed calm and in peace. I was ready to talk to Viktor. 

On the next day, I took my breakfast with my parents. 

— Buongiorno a tutti! — I greet them. 

— Morning, mon amour! I asked Mafalda to take and clean that blue shirt for you to wear it today. You look so nice on it. — I looked at her a little confused, but soon I got it what shirt she was talking about. 

— I think I’ll wear something different today. — I nestled beside her. I knew she just had a good intention, but I thought that that wasn’t the moment to wear that shirt. 

— Am I feeling you a little lightweight today? — My father asked. 

Rhetorically, of course. 

— I will talk to Viktor today. 

— Who’s Viktor, mon amour? — My mom asked. I exchanged looks with my father. He may know about the Viktor existence, but they were never properly introduced. 

— I hope you both have fun. — My mother knew how to bring lightness to any moment. 

I arrived with my bike in front of Viktor’s apartment in the town. Left it propped up on the wall next to the front door. I went to the door and knocked. 

A tall woman with long black hair, all gathered up in a disjointed bun, with a huge pregnant belly, answered me at the door. She had a little grim appearance. 

— Hi, I’m Elio! A Viktor’s friend. Is he home? — I tried to sound the most charismatic possible. I didn’t know if Viktor had spoken about me to his parents. 

— Hi, Elio. Nice to meet you, my name is Berenice. Yes, Viktor is home, but he’s very sick right now, I don’t know if it’s a good time for visiting. — She seemed in a hurry and was just closing the door, until Viktor show up at the door. 

— Vic, you should’ve been resting. — She turned to him. She put one hand at her belly while she seemed worried about her son. 

— I’m fine, Mammina! I woke up in a good mood today. Don’t worry! — He gave a kiss in her forehead, and she left. 

— Is everything fine, Elio? — He had lost weight, was pale and looked very sick, but either way he seemed to be feeling well today. 

— Everything is fine with me. But I must confess that I have seen you better. — I just smile condescendingly for him. 

He just let the way free for me to go. I didn’t need to be guided to his bedroom, when I already been there countless time. 

— You’ve never introduced me to your parents before. — I said a little irreverent.  

— You’ve never introduced me to yours too. — He replied. 

— Call it quits. — I didn’t want to discuss or argue little grudges on that moment. There was bigger things to deal with. 

— Elio, there’s something I need to tell you. — He started talking, but it was me who should be talking. 

— No! It’s me who should say anything. I... — He raised his hand in a signal for me to stop talking. He seemed tired. 

— I’m sick, Elio. At this moment I’m with pneumonia, but all it started with a dry cough. — I didn’t know why that was relevant to our conversation, to our history. He was young. He for sure would recover from that. — The doctor said that it should be flown by a few days, If I keep with the right treatment and all that. But I’ve been feeling abdomen pain and other strange symptoms. 

— It must be just an infection! I’m pretty sure it will be flown soon. Look, I really think that we should be talking about another thing. — He raised his hand again. 

— I’ve been reading about some news on a certain virus that is spreading through the United States. And some of the symptoms are alike of what I’m having. — Virus? What Virus? 

— What are you talking about? — I looked at him confused, but at the same time I remembered of some news I’ve read in an American newspaper my father bought to house someday, about a virus that only affected gay men and it was uncurable.  

He understood the look on my face when I just realized about what he was talking about. Maybe because the horror took place on my face. 

— How? You just had sex with me! — I was desperate. I couldn’t have the virus. If I had the virus, maybe Oliver had too. 

— No. I didn’t only have sex with you, Elio. — He was saying that with a sad countenance, regretfully and a disheartened posture. — Some few days I arrived at Paris, I went to a gay bar and met a man. He was some few years older than me. Handsome, charming, intelligent and French. He was perfect. One of the best nights of my life. I wasn’t even thinking about you anymore. Almost two months later when I was in Paris, this man came looking for me. He was with a very sick appearance, with some eruptions on his skin. So, he came to tell me he got positive for AIDS. — He stumbled at the closest chair after telling this. I didn’t know what to do. If I’d run away from there or just hug him to try to consol him.  

— You need fresh air. That’s it! Come to my house. It will be good for you. — I didn’t know what I was talking, but I felt that he needed more people looking after him. — Luisa, Francesco and Luigi are there. We can help to take care of you. 

— Don’t! Nobody must know about this, Elio. Please, promise me you won’t tell no one! — He seemed so desperate like his life depended on it. — There’s a reason I would call you only on Saturdays to my house. Because on Saturdays my father isn’t home. He knows I’m gay. My father banned me of bringing any man inside to this house, even a friend. If my father would find out I have HIV... I don’t know what he’s capable of.  

Now I get it. But it made even more sense now for him to stay by my house the rest of the summer. 

— Viktor, I can only image the weight of everything you must’ve been carrying on your shoulders right now, but I believe that doesn’t have a better place for you to be than on my house. My friends already know about me and I’m pretty sure they will receive you with an open heart. Do you have any plans? — I was decided that I would take care of him. It was the least I could do. 

— I managed to convince my father to let me go to ESMOND. Then, after the summer I’m going to live in Paris. — He put himself together. — I think I can go to your house, Elio. 

It was Sunday morning when Viktor arrived by car. I have already talked to my father about Viktor’s situation, clarified everything and he promised me he wouldn’t tell anyone and accepted him to stay here only if he could receive medical treatment. 

I helped to carry the luggage and adjusted my bedroom so he could make himself comfortable. We would have to share my room, while Jennifer would have to stay on the side bedroom. I talked to her and explained I would receive a friend who was very sick. She made no objection and offered the room for us. My father didn’t object to this, either. He trusted in me, even understanding that the virus could only be transmitted through sex.  

 All set up, we went down to catch a little sun and bathe in the pool. 

— It’s so pacific here. — He was lay down by the pool edge, with the body wet and wearing his sunglasses. — It’s almost like we are in an Oasis. A rest from the real world. Cough, cough, cough... — He wasn’t all recovered yet from the pneumonia, and we would receive a doctor visit today, on the afternoon. 

— I think we should get dry and come in. There’s an air current through that must not being well for you. — I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to talk to him more. Pay attention on what he had to say, at least once. 

We got in and went to the living room. He wears my old Talking Head shirt, one of my favorites. I sat down on the couch, and he lay down his head in my lap. 

We stood there for a few minutes in silence. I was thinking in every moment of interaction I had lost. When I was too busy with Oliver in my head, instead of paying attention on Viktor. 

— Do you play it so well as it looks? — He asks suddenly. 

— Bach reincarnated. — We both laugh. — And what do you play exactly? 

— I play Violin, Viola, Cello and a bit of piano. — I got impressed. — But I don’t like anything I play. — It must be a sad life to practice the whole week such beautiful instruments and not be delighted by not even a note that resounds off it. 

— I know you like fashion. What else do you like? — I wanted to know who Viktor was. 

— I like to draw. And not just clothes designs, but I like to draw people and animals. My favorite drawing is one I made when I was ten. The were a few days left for us to go to Moscow and I was sad for having to abandon my friends and my hometown. Me and my friends used to hunt wild animals in the yard. So, there’s this day, I was by myself, and found a wild rabbit. Which is a little rare, since they hide on their holes during the day. He seemed lost and afraid. I kept looking at him and observed every detail until he was gone. — I was imagining the whole scene while he was telling me the history. I imagined a ten-year-old sad Viktor. 

— It must be a very realistic drawing. — I was imagining every trace of that drawing. 

— Kinda, actually. I tried to capture the fear the rabbit was feeling on that moment. Because it was almost like the same fear, I was feeling for having to go to an unknown land. — I didn’t know he could be so deep.  

— Are there any happy moments in your life? Per l’amor de Dio! — We both laughed. 

— I’ve had some happy moments among my friends in Moscow! What do you want to know? — I wanted to know if there was any love. 

— Did you already fall in love? — I asked, while stroking his hair. 

— Yes. He was from my gang. But we didn’t have a happy ending. — He seemed very well resolved with this. — Actually, there’s a song I like to play. — he disengaged from my hands and stood up, going directly to the piano. 

Viktor sits down to the piano, take a deep breath, straighten his posture and starts to play beautifully Album for the Young (mamma) from Tchaikovsky. 

I was admiring him from his back, and it looked like I was watching myself playing. The whole time I was searching for Oliver on Viktor, when it was me that I should’ve been searching on him. A new me, a new love. 

The summer ended. I went to New York. Viktor went to France, but we kept in touch through letters. He kept getting sick but kept fighting bravely for his life. It was all water under the bridge between us. We had a sincere conversation before each one of us go away searching for our dreams: 

— You have said you needed to say something for me, that day on my house. — Viktor sat down by my side on the couch. 

— Yeah. — I made myself comfort in my seat and started to talk without looking at him. — Viktor, I like you. A lot. But unfortunately, all the moments we had together, I was thinking about another person. A person I love deeply. And that I couldn’t get over until now. — I looked at him. — After we had sex, making all that, thinking about him, I felt sick and maybe I was sick. But I realized that I couldn’t spend my life living an illusion just so I could have moments with him, when I was forgetting to live the here and now. — I took his hands. — I see you the way you are. I want to listen to all the histories with your friends in Moscow. I want to listen you complain about your father. I want to be able to talk to you about what both of us feel about men. I want to be your friend and maybe something more, one day. 

He puts his other hand below mine and take it to his mouth, give it a kiss and say: 

— I see you too, Elio. 

I took our hands to my mouth and give it a kiss too. 

[nella09archive]

Marriage. 98

Chapter 98: random day in April

“That’s the 5th one this month!” That’s what me and Goten woke up to. We sleepy walked into the kitchen, and saw mom screaming at dad, and holding an orange cloth. Dad probably rip apart his gi again. I said morning to them, and saw that Goten was trying to get mom’s attention. Mom told us good morning, and told dad they will finish this argument later. As we ate breakfast, mom asked how was school. Turns out me and Goten started our spring break at the same time. “So, what are you boys going to do?”

“Can Marron and Trunks visit to play?” Mom was quiet for a while, but then said yes. “Yay! Can they come today?” Mom again said yes. “Awesome. I better finish breakfast.” We all smiled at him, then mom asked what I was planning to do.

“I don’t know. Probably work on a few arguments for the upcoming debate tournament.” Both of my parents looked at me with ‘oh’ faces. Then dad asked what was a debate tournament. “It’s like a big argument between my team and another. The subject for this tournament is benefits or disadvantages on teaching children martial arts. My team are on the side of the benefits, and as the team captain, I have to present.” Everyone looked impressed. Dad looked happy, while mom has a mix emotion face. “Since Videl is on my team, she’s going to be helping out with getting my points together.”

“When is the tournament?” I looked to dad, and wonder if he was genuine wanting to know.

“The week after spring break. So, that means next Monday.” He smiled and told mom to make sure to remind him. That he would actually want to be there. It felt like my cheeks burned, as I got happy at that idea. After breakfast, mom made a few calls, and I contact Videl. When she came over, we went straight to my room to prepare.

…

After I called Bulma and Krillin, to bring the kids over, I had a matter of speaking with my husband. Lucky for me, he was still sitting at the table. “How many times I told you to be careful? As much as I love sowing and making things, doesn’t mean you should rip them without a care! For goodness sake Goku! It takes a lot of work to repair your gis.” He kept saying sorry, and he’ll try to be more careful. “Oh, what am I saying. You won’t be careful, even if you tried.” I let out a frustrated sigh. “You could at least try to make them last longer. Please.”

That’s when I finally noticed he was standing next to me. “I’ll try harder to be careful. You know I don’t mean to rip them.” I pouted and looked away from him. I felt a hand on my shoulder. And him whispering in my ear. “You could always come with me.” I felt my cheeks burn at that comment. Before I could respond, there was a knock at the door. “Looks like the kids are here. Do you mind if I spar with Krillin for a bit?” Not like he has to ask me for permission, but it made me happy that he does. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and told him yes. He kissed my forehead, and said thank you.

As I watched him open the door, I couldn’t help laugh at him almost being knocked down by running kids. Even Krillin laughed. He then waved a quick hi to me, before leaving with Goku. Then Bulma finally walked in, with 18. “Would you ladies like some tea?” They said yes, and I went to heat up some water. We were sitting at the table, watching the kids play pretend. It was such a cute moment.

“So, what are your plans for your birthday?” I looked to Bulma, and told her how I was just going to spend with Goku. Maybe find a nice spot to start farming. “So, boring. If you want, I could always get you a spa day.” I try to tell her that was not needed. “But I insist. Besides, when was the last time you actually went to a spa?”

“To be fair, I never gone to one. Never had the money. Nor thought it was needed.” Both ladies has a shock expression.

“That’s it! You’re going to the spa with me and 18 tomorrow! Goku could stay with the boys!” I was in shock, and was going to decline the offer, but Bulma was already on her phone. Once she hanged up, she looked over at me. “The appointment as been made. And it’s going to be for a full 3 days. On top of that, you can’t escape. Don’t worry about the cost either, or feeling indebt to me. Out of every female I know, you definitely need this. So, start packing. We leave after lunch.”

“WAIT! What? That’s too soon. I have things to do.”

“Stop making excused. Better yet.” She turned to face the kids. “Trunks!” Trunks ran over to her. “You behave. Me, and the other mommies are heading out. We won’t be home for a few days. So, don’t cause any trouble.”

“What about dad?”

“What about him. Just behave, and when you’re ready to go home you could always ask uncle Goku or uncle Krillin to take you home. Or.” She looked over to me, and had an evil smile. “You can stay here the whole week.” He then jumped up and down, asking if she meant it. “Yes.” He then ran off to tell Goten, and then Marron walked over to 18. She asked if that also meant she could stay over too. Oh boy. Goku and Gohan are going to have a lot on their hands. What you mean by that? Your wife is going to be taking a little trip, and you’re going to be left with the kids. Kids? You mean the boys? No, I mean kids. As in Trunks and Marron are staying over. There was a silence, and just like that Goku and Krillin appeared; asking what was going on. “We’re taking Chichi on a spa trip. You can handle the kids till then.” And without warning, 18 grabbed me, and we left. What just happened?

…

Did my wife just get kidnapped? I looked to Krillin, and he doesn’t seem the bit surprised, or affected by what just happened. “Well, about time.” He then looked over to me. “Don’t give me that look.” Right now, I was dumbfounded and confused on what just happened. I call for Gohan to come down, and tell him that Chichi was kidnapped by Bulma and 18. He too says it was about time. I’m about to ask why, when he ask if that means that I was left in charge. When I say yes, he cheers, and runs back upstairs. Did I miss something along the way, because I’m just completely confused.

I looked to Krillin, for some type of answer, but he’s talking with Marron. Turns out, she’s staying too. Krillin starts to laugh, and then leaves. When Gohan comes back down he’s wearing his training. When Goten sees him, he runs to his room to change. What am I in for? “Dad, does that mean we could do the thing?” Thing? He looks sad that I don’t seem to remember. “You know. The thing we always do when mom left us alone.” That’s when I cheered up.

“You sure we could do it with everyone?” He nods his head. “Don’t you have that debate thing to worry about?”

“I already did everything like a week ago. Videl was just going to help me prepare for any random questions. But we have enough time.” He then started bouncing up and down. “Come on dad! This might be the only chance we got to do this.”

“Fine. But what about Videl?” His face had a shade of pink, before he said that Videl was like mom. In the way that she dresses to be ready for anything. I couldn’t help snicker at that, and his face became redder. “Ok. But you can’t help her.”

He looked disappointed at that. “Aw, come on.” I was now laughing, as everyone gather around us.

“Ok, we’re going to play a little game. And if you break anything you lose.” Everyone, but Gohan, looked puzzled. “We’ll start outside. Follow me.” Everyone ran to put on their shoes, and met me in the front yard. “Before I tell you what’s the game, I have to ask. Other than the boys, do you girls know how to use ki?” Marron said a very positive yes, and Videl said only enough to fly. “Well then, do you know how to hide it?” Again, Marron said yes, and Videl shook her head. “In that case, we won’t play with the original rules. The game is simple. Ki tag.”

Videl ask what was that. And to everyone surprise, but mine, Gohan hit her with a weak blast, and yelled that she was it. Then everyone else ran away, into the forest. “Wait, that’s not fair.”

“Looks like you’re going to have to learn quick, if you want to win against them.” She looked dumbfounded. “Did Gohan teach you about ki?” She nod her head. “Can you bring it out easily?” She nods her head. “So, you should be fine. Would like a quick demotion?”

“Yes please.” I held out my hand, and formed a small ki ball. Then I told her to try it. It took her some time, but she finally did it. I nodded my approval, and then she grew an evil smile. “Ready or not Gohan, you’re going to be it.” With that I saw her fly off to find him. Oops, I forgot to mention no flying. Oh, well. Too late. I mentally tell Gohan to do it, and he agrees.

…

After a game of ki tag, we finally called it a time out. Videl looked so proud of herself, that she was able to get me three times in a row. On the way inside, you can see even the squirts were beat. Now time for something three of them wasn’t prepared for. Dad’s cooking. Trunks look like he was ready to vomit, and Marron begged if she could stop eating it. Videl was the only one who didn’t complain, but sure look like she wanted to. After dinner, I volunteered to clean dishes, but Videl beat me to it. So, not fair.

We were now in the den, taking turns at playing a video game. Before long there was a knock at the door. It was Krillin, and Vegeta. They only came to drop of clothes, and then leave. Then Videl got a call from her dad, and she asked my dad if she could stay the night. “Please.” She was practically bouncing as she begged dad. Dad try to calm her down, as he said that she could stay. “Thank you!” She then told her dad she was staying the night.

Once I helped dad settled the kids to bed, me and Videl went to my room. I told her she could sleep on the bed, that I didn’t mind the floor. But she kept insisting that wouldn’t be fair. We ended up having a pillow fight, and the winner gets to decide who gets the bed. It was all fun, until she played a dirty trick on me. She tripped me, and got on top of me. She still was hitting me with the pillow, but from this view I was left stud. Well, only for a moment, but long enough that she claim to be the winner. “No fair.”

I flipped her, and now I was hovering over her. When I did everything just froze. She looks so beautiful. I poked her nose, and she poked me back. That lead to another pillow fight. Soon after, we ended up sharing the bed. It felt nice having her snuggle against me. I could get use to this feeling.

The next morning was slightly embarrassing, for both of us. Not only did I wake up to a scent, I smelled on Valentine’s day. I was also woken up to extreme tightness between my legs. It never been this tight before. When my body was finally becoming more aware, I came to realize how Videl and I ended up sleeping. She had a leg wrapped on my hip, and it made it that she was slightly pressing on to me. I trying taking deep breathes, as I tried to remove her leg. Only for her to tightly her hold. She moved slightly that created a madding feeling. I really need to get her leg off, and get a grip.

Thankfully, I hope, she finally woke up, as I finally got her leg off. It took her a moment. But when she opened her eyes, and looked at me, she made a shock expression. She then quickly turned around, and started hugging herself. I don’t know what to do. I was starting to panic, till she turned back around. Her face was all red, and she looked to be… angry? The only thing I could think of was to say sorry, I don’t know why. “Hug me.” Uh? She was pouting, and her face still red. “I said, hug me. You jerk.” In a panic I just hugged her, and hope whatever is happening would turn out for the best. After a couple of moments, we finally calm down, and got ready for the day.

…

The moment we arrived at the spa place, I wanted to make a run for it. But 18 had a strong hold on me. After Bulma checked us in, we were given our room key. Then we went to this room, where they gave us white cotton robes. So far so good, I guess. I was wrong, when I found out I had to walk around naked in this. Oh, no! I can’t do that. To top it off, most of the people, who were going to give us the spa treatment, were a staff of all males. Oh no! No! If Goku knew he would flip.

I try telling the girls I can’t do this. Or to at least find a female to give me a spa treatment. “And here I thought you were straight. Guess you go both ways. Don’t worry, I could always give you a massage, if you like.” Bulma winked at me. Why is she doing this to me? Doesn’t she get that Goku even catches a whiff of another guy on me he flips out. Just thinking about it reminds of the time I told Goku what Li did to me. Goku got so angry, and it took me everything to stop him from doing something, every time he saw Li. Or even that one time, a month into our marriage, we went shopping. And some guy was calling me pretty, and touched my hand. Before he could even kiss it, Goku had punched him into the wall.

Oh, how could I forget the time we were getting exam, and most of the doctors were male. He almost killed one for just getting close to me. At that, it took forever for me to explain what was going to happened. That he wouldn’t let anyone exam him, until I was done. He wanted to keep a watchful eye on the doctors. I better keep calm, or else Goku would come. I don’t want him causing a sense now.

As I was escorted to a room, I was told to lay on this weird table. I had to be on my stomach, and that a towel had to cover my butt. What made it uncomfortable was that the room smelled nice, and that there was just one table. Why did 18 and Bulma got to share a room? I don’t like this. But I am glad the guy left the room, and said to let him know when I was ready.

Once I did what I was told, I felt really uncomfortable. For starters, I’m pretty much naked, and my breast aren’t allowing me to lay flat. I have to use my forearms to be comfy. But none the less, I called out to the guy. When he came in, he had taken off his button-down shirt, and was just in a tank top. He was also holding a bottle. I got to keep my guard up. Can’t get too relax.

The moment I felt something cold touch my back, I wanted to scream. But soon I felt warm hands touch me. I felt them rub my back. Every muscle was given attention to. He even comment how he doesn’t get that many clients as define as me. I actually felt flatter. Soon those warm hands turned cold. At least Goku was able to keep his hands nice and toasty, just the way I like it. Then the guy warned me that he was going to put hot rocks on my back. All I felt were warm rocks. “I thought you said it was hot.”

“But Ms. They are.”

“They’re cool, not hot.”

I heard him chuckle. “You’re strange. Usually clients are begging to take the rocks off. So how about a hot towel?” I agreed to that. But even that was cool. “Wow. Are you used to burning sensations, that you no longer can tell what’s hot?”

“Probably. I might have my husband to thank for that.”

“You’re married?” He sound both surprised, and disappointed. I asked why. “That blue hair Ms. said you were a mother of two, but never mentioned you were married to the guy. Or even still with him.”

“What’s it matter to you?”

“You’re hot. One of the hottest clients to walk into this office. And I seen my fair share of beautiful woman.” I don’t know if I should feel flatter or enraged. But small talked ended there, and he went back to what he was supposed to do. After that ‘message’ I wouldn’t say I was relaxed. More the opposite. I was more on edge. I tried the sauna, even that was a joke. Fire Mountain was hotter than this. Even my Goku would complain that this was too cool. I really did get spoiled by him. I couldn’t help smile at that thought. His back rubs are always nice. It even became better when he goes super sayian. He knows just how I like it.

Just thinking about him got me into a happier mood. When this is all over, I’m going to ask him to give me a full body massage. Just as I was daydreaming that, Bulma and 18 walked it. They commented how this sauna was way hotter than all the rest. And when Bulma saw the temperature she asked how was I not being cooked. “Take enough boiling baths, and you’ll get use to it.” Then I got curious. “Don’t you take showers with Vegeta?”

“Not often. Mostly due to our schedules. Or he would shower in the bathroom by the gravity room, before he comes to bed. Why?”

“Was just curious. Me and Goku always try to take at least one shower, or bath, together every day. It’s kind of became our special time.”

“What do you mean by that?” I looked over at 18.

“Well.” Now my body was burning up. “It kind of just relaxes us. And we tend to get mad if one of us misses it. This one-time Goku had a full tantrum, and dragged me back to the bathroom, so we could bath together. He was upset that he missed his chance in the morning, and when he found out he missed the night time, he was mad. No matter how many times I tell him that it was ok, he still didn’t let up. And then one day, I missed it, and I even threw a tantrum.” I couldn’t stop giggling at the memory, of me and Goku arguing over the fact we missed bath time together.

“You two are weird. Do you do it the shower? Is that why you two like it so much?” Bulma and 18 were now the ones giggling, as I turned away from them. I kept trying to say that wasn’t the case. It only made them laugh harder. The rest of the time was spent on sharing our favorite moments with our husbands. Before long we had made it to our room, and that’s when I remembered I didn’t have any clothes. But Bulma surprised me with a full bag of clothes. But what they were made me feel mortified. No way Goku would approve of this. Maybe if we were alone, but not out in public.

I find that thought funny. I thought I was being a proper lady by staying cover up, and only letting my husband see me. Then when witnessing our married couples, the wives are either showy, or improper. Which I was starting to think was so unfair. So, one day I chose to wear something more casual, that showed a little skin, Goku was mad the whole day. All I was wearing was a spaghetti string tank top, and a skirt that reach my mid-thigh. Goku was not only mad that I choose the outfit to go to a public place, he was also made at how I looked. I thought he was calling me ugly, but instead he was calling me beautiful and that only he should be able to see it. I felt so flattered and loved that day, that I didn’t care what anyone thought of my traditional outfit. Not only was I a proper lady, I had a husband that values me.

Chichi? Aw, my Goku sounds sad. Yes hon. Do you know when you’re coming back? No, sorry. But I miss you. I miss you too. Can I come over to at least give you a good night kiss? I felt my cheeks burn at that. I quickly took note of what I was wearing, and the fact I was sharing a room. Sorry, hon. No good night kiss. But. Fine. But when you come home, I want my kisses. Both the good morning and good nights. And I want a full body massage. Deal. Now enjoy your little get away, for now. My Goku can be such a spoiled brat when it comes to me. Well, so I am, when it comes to him. As I try to sleep, I gently rub his mark, and it feels like he’s here, hugging me to sleep.

…

After I saw Videl try to go find Gohan, I quickly tried to sense where Chichi was. Even if I couldn’t be with her, I at least want to know where she was. When I found her, I took note on the energies around her. When I felt she was in a place that had a lot of male energies, I became enraged. I had half a mind to go and find out where this place it. But I was quickly stopped, by a panicked Goten, who was running from Trunks. Whoever those male energies are, they better not touch my Chichi.

After I set the kids to bed, and watched Gohan and Videl head into Gohan’s room, then did I let my uneasiness take over. I wonder what Chichi did all day. I wonder why she was surrounded by those energies. Since Gohan was still up, I mentally told him I was going for a quick walk. The moment I stepped out the house, I flew at top speed to where I felt Chichi.

She was currently in a room, with Bulma and 18. She was just sitting on the bed. We had a quick little chat, with me leaving out that I was watching her. Once I saw she had fell asleep, I flew back home. Once I was in bed, I hugged her pillow. I don’t know how I was able to fall asleep. The next day, I noticed that Videl and Gohan faces were beet red. Their scent weren’t all over each other, and what I could see, no markings anywhere. So, I’ll save him from me questioning, for now.

It’s been 4 days, and Chichi was finally coming home. When she walked in, she was ambushed by Goten. Once he let her go, I picked her up, and carried her in my arms. I couldn’t help burry my nose in her neck, as I told her that I missed her. But that’s when I smelled it. It went from a loving welcome home, to a carry over my shoulder moment. The moment we entered our room I asked why she has another man’s scent on her. She tried to explain this whole spa thing, and how most of the workers were men. But I felt she was hiding something from me. “Tell me Chichi.”

She looked ready to cry. “Promise me you won’t get mad.” I told her I promise. “Well, at the spa, we had to naked most of the time.” I could feel my muscles starting to twitch. “Of course, we wore robs, and even towels, especially to keep certain body parts cover. But when they are to give you a back and leg massage, you’re basically laying on a table, with only a towel to cover your butt.” Now not only were my muscles twitching, so was my face. “I did ask if there were any females to give me my massage, but there wasn’t any. And so, a guy had to give me the massage.” I could feel my jaw tighten, the more she told me. “Goku! You said you promise not to get mad.”

“Did. They. Touch. You?” I saw her gulp, and that put me on edge.

“No one touched me in those areas.” I started to calm down, but I did notice she was looking away.

“Chichi.” She wrapped her arms around my neck, and tried to give me a kiss. “Chichi.”

“One guy tried to, but I didn’t let him. I knee him in the jaw. He tried to touch.” There was a pause, as I saw her trying to say what she was going to say. “When he was giving me a leg massage.” If Chichi wasn’t holding me, I would have walked out, to go to this spa and find out who tried to touch my wife. Chichi was tried really hard to give me a kiss. “Don’t get mad at me. It’s not my fault. Give me kissy. I miss you.”

Since we still was by the door, and reached behind me and locked it. “I’m going to give you much more than kissy.” Her worried face, soon became an excited face. “Get you butt on the bed, and let me give you a proper massage.” She giggled as she almost skipped to the bed. “Clothes. Off. Now.” I could see the eagerness in her moments, and was getting me excited. She was down to her underwear. “All clothes.”

“But you usually like—”

“I said. All. Clothes.” Her face became red, as she smiled while taking off her bra and panties. She eagerly asked what’s next. “Lay down how you did that the spa.” Saying that word makes me sick. She laid down, but used her forearms to lift her upper body a bit. “Why you do it like that?”

“The tables are so flat and hard; it hurts me when I try to lay flat.” I took off my shirt as I approached her. I even asked how they had the towel. “It covered just on top of my lower spin, and a little way past the bottom of my butt.” I placed my shirt as she describes it, and I could feel my blood boiling. The way she looks, she’s barely covering anything. From certain angles I could see a lot, and that is pissing me off.

“You’re never going back there again.”

She just giggles. “I agree. Besides, for a place that supposed to relax a person, they sure failed at it.” I asked her to explain. “What they considered hot, was super cool, almost cold, to me. I could thank you for that.” Uh? I was left confused, but happy. “Mr. If I could bath in lava I would.” That got a chuckle out of me. “I mean it. You pretty much spoiled me. I even found it funny how the men there tried to show off their muscles. But nothing can compare, or even come close, to my Goku.”

“Oh, really?” I light touches on her back. “What else?”

“You give better massages, since you know how to hit all the right spots. Ah. Like you’re doing now. Mm. The fact you even use ki to massage me, is a nice touch. Oh! Goku! AH! Stop teasing me!” Couldn’t help it, as I nibble between her shoulder and applied pressure to her lower back. “I still don’t get why Bulma even made me go.” That’s when I pulled away, and she let out a small whine. “Please don’t stop. You’re actually making feel more relax than that sorry excuse of a spa.” I smiled at that, as I continue to rub up and down her back. As I continue working her back, the more relaxed she looked. It was even me feel at ease.

As I continue, I make sure to give each muscle the attention it deserves. Soon I got Chichi humming her approval. “Was the back and leg massage being the only thing they did?”

“There was other types, but I chose not to do them. They also offer bikini and full body waxing, and hot oils. Even something about skin piling. That sounded weird. And stuff I could easily do at home.” I ask what was waxing; it sounded weird. “Bikini waxing is when they get rid of the hair around the private area.” At that I stopped my movements. “Don’t worry, I didn’t take the offer. It sounded weird, and I felt uncomfortable with it having to be done by a man.” I started working on her legs. That’s when she said a shock ‘oh’. “Goku! We have guess downstairs.”

I couldn’t stop laughing at that. “No we don’t. They left the moment I started taking you upstairs.” She asked how. “I heard Gohan telling everyone to get out. Then I even felt he, Goten, and Videl leave the house. So, we’re all alone.”

“Oh great. You probably caused a sense, and Bulma and 18 are not going to let it go. Oh great. So, embarrassing. And them teasing me during the whole trip, didn’t help either.” She sounded so sad, and worried. I can’t have that.

“Would you like to go to a hot spring?”

“As a family.” Not what I had in mind. I saw how her shoulder turned red. “Goku! I don’t plan to leave home any time soon. I don’t mind going out, but I have everything I ever need at home.” What you mean? “I have my sons, that I love taking care of. I have a wonderful husband, that spoils me to no end. And I have the luxury of the peaceful country side.” With that I thrust two fingers into her, surprising, wet core. Well, not really that surprising. “Ah.” I drop kisses between her shoulder blades. “Mm. This is exactly what I mean.” I licked and suck the area I been kissing. “You spoil me.”

“You spoil me, too.” I then take my fingers away, and pull back. She whines and ask why. She’s pouting at me, and whining. I can’t help lick my lips. I then give her behind a firm slap, and she ask for another. Who am I to deny her? Before long I’m thrusting in her, from behind, while rubbing up and down her back. She comments how I’m all she ever needs. “I feel the same way.” She soon begging for me to go harder and faster, but I don’t want to. I’m going to keep going at a slow pace. “Wasn’t the goal to relax?”

I hear her snicker, as she agrees. “In that case, turn up the heat. I’m starting to feel cold.” She laughs as I raise my ki around us. “Ah. Much better.”

--------

Ch97

[lilyellowsongbird]

Song Of The Day - Jan 28th '23

Nellie - Dr. Dog

This post is rather long and just me talking about my dog, but I swear it makes sense given context.

I found this song like I find many, by listening to the top songs of a particular artist. I discovered Where Does All The Time Go at the end of my senior year when everyone was posting about graduation on Tiktok. That led me to listening to Dr Dog's top songs and falling in love with this song.

Nellie has this gentle whimsical quality. The old piano backing and the layered, rustic vocals remind me of fall at my University. Walking to class in my favorite dress, daydreaming about someone special and thinking about how much Latin homework I had to do. Nellie is truly the manic pixie dream girl anthem, no matter what anyone says. Nellie walks on air, she decorates her room exactly how she wants with books and flowers. Her mind is constantly wandering, dreaming of impossible things. The singer views her with such wonder and adoration. He sings about this woman with a tenderness rarely seen. He just wants to be in her presence, that is enough to satiate the yearning for her.

Nellie was everything I wanted to be my freshman year in college, this muse that people so desperately want. At the end of my freshman year, after an absolutely hellish spring semester, I realized just how lonely I was. Somehow, I convinced my parents that an emotional support animal would be the best option to keeping me stable. My dad was hesitant at first, but he was willing to give it a shot. My mother, as usual, gave a definite no at first. Then, three days later, I got a text from her with a link to an English Shepherd breeder. My mom was on board. We found a puppy and we were going to put down the deposit as soon as I moved home from college for the summer. Immediately, I started thinking of names. I had always wanted to name my pets after literary icons, but there's not very many girl dog names, so I went with musical names instead. Mary was the first obvious choice, but my name is already Mary and my neighbor's dog is named Mary. The next obvious choice was Nellie. When my dad came to pick me up, he had to break the news that the dog we had picked out had already been taken, in the few short hours before we could reserve her. Obviously, I was sad, but I knew that I would find the dog I was meant to have one way or the other (yes I believe in fate it gives life spice.) Two weeks later, after emailing people about different collie puppies I'd found on craigslist and rarely getting a response, my mother woke me up by pounding on my door very angrily. I opened the door with the same fury, wondering if I'd forgotten to hang up my towels or if she'd somehow smelled cigarettes on my clothes. Instead, she greeted me with a smile, saying "The other people gave her up. We got her back!"

Nellie Bean came home with me that June. She's quite literally a Nervous Nellie. She plays with her mouth a little too much, and she hates baths, but I love her dearly.

Listen to the song here: