#it really is a love letter to myself

[bloos-bloo]

Welcome to the circus..

….part 2-

THE CIRCUS CREW HAVE BEEN REDESIGNED CHAT. HOW ARE WE FEELING??

Personally- I feel like these designs live up to the expectations I have for myself when it comes to a circus.. with darker intentions. Instead of bright colors everything is a bit muted- (besides Leshy, he’s a baby)

OH! An important detail I forgot- Notice the bells! :D who has them and who doesn’t.. <3 the bells are veerryyy important!

WHAT IS TOYBOX?? OHHH IM GLAD YOU ASSKKEDDD-

ToyBox is a Cult of the Lamb Circus AU where the lamb (Emery) trapped the Bishops and clears their memory of their previous lives! It’s mainly a Narilamb centric story- but there’s a bit of everyone for everybody to enjoy <3

We got some individual ref sheets too! Don’t mind me yapping about each one.

THIS IS YOUR WARNING NOW-

ToyBox does deal with dark themes like sexual harassment, abuse, trauma, and kidnapping. So if that is something you would rather avoid, I suggest turning away now.

For the individuals- I will be adding a bit of info on their stories so far, their stage names, and just- inspo behind the characters \o/

Going from youngest to oldest here-

Leshy literally has the mentality of a child. He’s the young one out of all of the circus performers. He yearns to be in the spotlight just like the rest of his family, but he’s always pushed aside.

Emery gave him the name “Pipsqueak” because of his size.. He doesn’t know that she caused that. Out of everyone- he’s the only performer to wear bright colors. (Mainly to show off his childish personality-)

When it came to writing Leshy- I wanted to focus on the result of childhood trauma, and Leshy is an embodiment of that. His behavior is to make up of the fact that there’s something clearly wrong- but in order to protect himself, he hides it away and thinks of everything else.

Heket has it rough- her mouth is stapled shut and she’s a greeter?? Girl- pick a struggle. She tries to be open to everyone, but she often has a hard time with it. Her relationship with her family is strong- and that’s all that matters, she just needs to know that they’re safe.

“Nobody.” listened to Heket when she had suspicions. “Nobody” listened to Heket when she raged about Shamura��s injury. “Nobody” listened to Heket when she called out Emery for mistreating her family. “Nobody” listened to her. And that’s why she’s nobody. Because nobody will ever listen. Emery made sure of it.

It’s obvious what I based Heket off of- when it comes to abuse, there’s the ones who take it silently or are forced to be silent. Which was what happened to Heket, she knows what’s going on, but she cannot say it- and even if she did.. will anyone listen to her? Probably not.

Narinder does a little bit of everything- he has no solid role in the circus since Emery makes sure he is near at all times. Sometimes it’s annoying.. oh- it’s so annoying.

Figment- It’s allll a figment of his imagination. There’s nothing wrong in the circus. Nothing at all! And if there was.. it isn’t real, it’s in his head.. Emery always drills that into him.. it’s not real.. these ideas of having another life- it’s fake.

Narinder is very easy to figure out- he’s based on victims in general. How easy it is to fall for manipulation- and easy it is to try and stick around instead of causing anything else.. a sad reality.

Kallamar has a body and they know it. They use it sometimes- though is it desirable? Nope- She often changes her form since she can freely stuff or take out. It helps whenever the gazes get too much.

Minx. A sexually playful woman who often causes trouble. The complete opposite of Kallamar. In fact- she hates the stares, she yearns to have it be drawn away- and it’s not like she tries to bring in the eyes of men. She’s just given outfits to match his routines..

Reason why I associate Kallamar with “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” They are. Kallamar is not a hoe unlike my other AU- The idea of her is the way women are treated in modern society. Male gaze is horrible- and subjecting a body to such light is just- eugh.

Shamura- the sweet little storyteller who can barely remember their name. They just want to tell their stories and not have to worry about freaking out.

Seeker. They kept seeking for information. They kept digging and digging until it landed them somewhere they shouldn’t have been. Emery made sure they would forget, made sure that they would power off a lot more..

Now, Shamura is very special to me for this AU. A good majority of this AU being surrounded by abuse from aspects I have experienced in life. Shamura represents abuse in general. Just the fear of speaking out because of the backlash from the other, something I know of very well. They dissociate to draw away from the pain- from everything. Forgetting to protect themself.

Emery is the host, the leader of it all. She needs energy to survive- devotion. which- here devotion is given to her through cheers from the crowd. And without performers- she wouldn’t have a crowd.

Ringmaster.. it’s very self explanatory- Emery is in control of it all. Of the entire business and of what happens. Her role doesn’t stop off stage… it never does.

Emery is a character that can’t be forgiven, her actions weigh the amount of positives she could have and it sucks. Cause it’s easy to want to love her- but you can’t because of her history. Doesn’t that sound familiar? She’s basically based off people who know they’re toxic, yet never change.

[hona-hona]

that's love, darling

[femmeleatherface]

the love which i feel for the design of erik in phantom of the opera: the graphic novel. endless.

bonus:

[expectiations]

text posts: Doctor + River version [2/?]

time to cleanse my mind, body, soul, spirit, life, etc. of the takes I've been seeing of my blorbos on a daily basis lately. and it's still wednesday.

[calmbigdipper]

What you mean to me

[plant-ago]

An Open Letter to Dan and Phil

Dear beloved nerds,

This was originally going to be an (even longer) actual letter that I was going to give to you at the tour, but my nonprofit-employed ass can’t afford a meet and greet, so we’re doing this instead. I promise it’s not just trauma dumping— mostly, it’s about saying thank you and trying to cultivate some hope for all of us.

I’ve been a big fan since around 2014, when I was a mentally ill neurotic deeply repressed loner egg (average phannie, let's be honest). Now I’m a whole adult who got therapy and HRT and has joined the legions of transmascs with the Dan Howell haircut! What a legacy.

I’m making jokes because the thing I actually want to talk about, and the reason I decided to make this an open letter, is kind of serious. But in light of the election, I feel like I need to share this, both with you and with all the other queers in this little corner of the internet.

Here’s the gist: I’m a paralegal at a non-profit organization that works to help queer migrants get asylum. Mostly what I do is sit them down in our nasty sterile office and try to be kind, and help them get through telling me all the most terrible things that have happened to them, and then turn around and pare it all down into legalese that is digestible to the government to make the case they should get asylum.

It’s a horrible job, really, and one that shouldn’t have to exist. Some parts are plainly wonderful, like meeting so many queer people from all walks of life. But it’s also heartrending and difficult, and burnout is always looming. My horrible banal work is often literally a matter of life and death for the client, and I’m fighting a broken system for a chance at giving them the happiness and safety is owed to them by international law and, really, by any decent human standard, should never have been in question.

The thing is—and this is reason to hope—queer people really do exist everywhere, no matter how much repression and violence we face. In a tiny village in Colombia, there's a kid who’s all spit and vinegar, dresses like a boy and plays football and fights anyone who says that they can’t, who grows up wiry and gets black eyes because men still can’t handle getting their asses handed to them on the soccer field by a dyke. This client texts me at my work number sometimes to ask if I’ve eaten that day, because they wanted to check in on me. He asked me to call him by a boy’s name, recently. I don’t know that he’s told anyone else. I open every message I send him with "Hola, James."

Then there’s the sweet, babyfaced college freshman who got death threats when he was outed to his classmates back home, and whose parents kicked him out when he refused to marry a girl to protect the family's reputation, leaving him alone in a foreign country. He was couch surfing and just trying not to miss class so he could keep his student status and he was so conscientious I wanted to cry— he’s eighteen, guys. Eighteen. I’ll get him his papers or so help me fucking God I will kill for him. You know? You know. After that meeting I had to sit at my desk with my notebook and fill an entire blank page with the phrase “he’s just a kid,” over and over again, until I felt like I could breathe.

On a Friday morning recently I get up and open my laptop to interpret on a call with a soft-spoken older trans woman who's sat in the bleak phone room of the ICE detention facility because her immigration judge didn’t believe that she was really transgender. “An odor of mendacity pervades everything the respondent says,” the judge wrote in her ruling, where she determined the client wasn't "credible." To this day I’m still floored that she straight up ripped off Tennessee Williams—new frontiers in bigotry, truly. She didn’t even cite. In our meeting now, the client quietly tells us how hard it was when she came out but how happy she was the first time she wore makeup, and she'd rather stay in detention here for indeterminate years as proceedings spiral on than go back to Guatemala, where they'll kill her—boys, if I ever get within spitting distance of this fuckass judge, it is on SIGHT. Absolutely fucking ON SIGHT. For legal purposes, that was a JOKE.

So I finish the call and get up to get a snack. It’s only ten am but feel tired already because I’m angry, which is not unusual but also not something I want to hold onto, because it doesn't help anything. So I make some toast and look at my phone— two texts, which I ignore, a spam email, and, wouldn't you know it, a YouTube notification from Dan and Phil games! Jarring! That’s just sort of how life is though, isn’t it? Deathly serious and lighthearted in the same breath.

But regardless, seeing the notification makes me feel warm, so I have my toast and watch a little video of you two playing Roblox or dress up or whatever it is you do on that channel these days. I have a good giggle and I finish my toast and go back to my desk. It’s a crucial part of my diet really— the giggles, not the toast. I’m not angry anymore. I’ll be angry again, but for now my cortisol levels are manageable and I can put my head back into emails or whatever the fuck. Do you ever think about how plants make food for free out of sunlight but we sit around writing emails all day? And that’s if we’re lucky. Capitalism is hell.

Anyway, there is a point I am trying to make, and it’s not really about the banal horrors of neoliberal nation-state or capitalism or even homophobia. It’s to say thank you for coming back to make silly videos together, because I love them, and you never fail to make me happy. And yeah, maybe something about the story of that scared eighteen-year-old kid at the front of my mind makes it particularly sweet to watch you two goofing off and being openly queer. It reminds me why I’m doing what I’m doing, and it gives me the strength to send another fucking email because sometimes doing “important work that I value and believe in deeply” means having to send another fucking email. And sometimes I’ll rewatch your older videos, and then come back to the more recent ones, and my heart bruises, because you remind me what I’m fighting for and why. It’s nothing grandiose, it’s just— for queer people to get to have the ability to grow into themselves and be outrageous and silly and make mistakes and to love and be loved for who they are. To have the safety and support and security that no one should ever go without. That’s all.

So I am being dead serious when I say thank you for making top-tier light entertainment, and for coming back to a job that wasn’t always kind to you, and that it does actually matter. All this talk about terrible influences and legacies has made me think that sometimes you doubt whether you do good in the world, so let me be clear: you really, really do. I kind of get the sense that in order to accept sincerity Dan needs to be beat over the head with it, so if that’s the case, consider yourself coerced, you dickhead. You matter to me, and especially in times like these, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the joy you share is a precious and treasured gift. So please accept my gratitude in return.

All my love,

Jules

(I removed or changed all identifying information in this letter to protect privacy, but the stories are real).

[sweetshrew]

i love hair on the insides of a person’s thighs. they grow downward, toward me as if they were expecting me between them. they tickle the tip of my tongue when i kiss and suck on your supple skin, leaving em wet enough to paint a mess on my cheeks before i’ve even gotten to your crotch yet. when i do finally reach it, and your hands are getting tangled in my curls from how much i’m making you wait so i can enjoy myself, i’ll put my hand on your stomach to hold you down, sliding my thumb up and down your happy trail as you jerk your hips into my mouth.

[seaofashes]

Actually I'm not leaving this in chat with my friend

Kevin Day you'd have loved Epic the Musical if you were real.

[lunarleonardo]

I just opened ao3 after like 2 weeks and we got TWO NEW FICS?!?!?! WHATT?!?!? SCREAMINF

And oh my GOD roblox PRESSURE?!?! EEEK im so excited to read that one i read a good doors × drv3 fic not too long ago SO I AM SUPER HYPED because I love roblox AAAA :3

xD Yeah I tend to write a liiittle fast

Im pretty sure I read that same doors x drv3 fic!!! :D I LOOOVED that fic so so much!! It got ke to try playing doors again ^_^ (i failed horrendously)

On the note of fics, I actually have a whole 'nother two ficz planned. The first chapter is already done for one of them actually :P but I've been waiting to post it cus I have to finish Disconnected, and then another really small fic my girlfriend wants me to write. I wouldn't mind posting chapter 1 now, but I didnt want to unnecessarily flood peoples notifs with fics QwQ

[junk-heart]

Suggestion I got from a moot^^

[dreameroftheblue]

mentally I am chewing on him like a stim toy

[likes-words-and-shrimp]

Seeing that one post going around that's just basically 'say if you ever read fanfictions that are better than published books' and it's like, yeah of course there are some that are better, because some people are genuinely good writers, but also there are good books too, and then seeing people say things like, 'I have never read a good book I only prefer fanfictions' and it's just?? Seek out some books? There are so many different kinds, for so many different things. It just sounds like you're reading for an easy serotonin boost than really engaging with the work.

People who write books and people who write fanfics have one thing in common: they write. They are doing the act of writing, and each person is going to have different styles and come at it with different experiences. Also, if your favorite fanfic writer comes out with an original work that's not just filing the serial numbers off, will you read it? Or are you only there because they're writing your favorite characters from another piece of media (which might even be from a book?). Speaking as a fanfic writer who is happy when people compliment my writing, please read some books I'm begging. Not everything is from booktok.

[glendover]

getting people into something you were super obsessed with once but now you only like it casually is so weird bc yey but also pls don’t talk to me about it unless you are already on the same freak level about it as me

[ectoodle]

Hello! I wanted to ask what made you fall in love with bingqiu?

Hey there!

Ah hmm that's an interesting question, I've never thought about it actually. I like bingqiu a lot, but I never considered it as falling in love with the ship? They're a fun ship to play with and they have a wide range that's pretty flexible so I'm always in my comfort zone drawing them.

I suppose most of the art I draw for bingqiu are a love letter to them, though. And I think that's pretty telling of my brain rot for them 😂

I think the food the fandom cooked up really helped a lot. SV fic writers are on a whole other plane of existence when it comes to analyzing binghe's character and filling in on his journey of healing with sqq by his side. I'm the annoying type of audience that gets bored when the main couple gets together at the end...so when scum villain ended the way it did, mxtx may as well have german suplexed me on the concrete. scum villain is a story that subverts its tropes left and right and the ending was no exception! I love that bingqiu getting together at the end was not an automatic happily ever after, but rather, they still are putting in the work and effort to understand and stay in each other's lives. The glimpse of that path we get in the extras really did solidify my desire to see how bingqiu will continue to stay together--bingmei vs bingge extra was probably the finishing blow for me tho lmao. I couldn't stop thinking about what the heck happened to bingge after he left the sv world that I read a bunch of fics about him and needed to soothe the angst with sv bingqiu

on a side tangent, bingqiu parallels another of my all time ship, nozomizo from liz and the blue bird. mild spoilers if you haven't seen liz, but nozomizo had a similar codependent relationship that needed them both to grow apart as individuals in order to stay together. bingqiu separated unwillingly and binghe's growth as an individual was fueled by betrayal, despair, and that dying glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe shizun could accept him now that they're equals. but they don't. because binghe still hasn't emotionally grown to get past his temper tantrums (thanks xin mo) and sqq is still failing binghe by constantly misunderstanding him. but bingqiu still choose each other, choose to love and support each other, and they refuse to be separated again. whereas nozomizo was a healthy separation with a promise of reunion, bingqiu was fighting through the muddy trenches with a vague hope that the other is reaching out their hands too. i thought it was neat how differently both ships handled their codependency that still guarantees a happy ending, no matter how dirty and bruised they got along the way.

I also think sqq's compassionate narration in regards to binghe's suffering got to me lmao. He truly does care for binghe, and even if naysayers argue it's not romantic, it's undeniable that binghe is special to sqq. although not the best choices, most if not all of his choices were for binghe's best interest (thanks system). sqq had so much heart for binghe that it affected me through the screen too. binghe's abandonment issues and fake wet tears have captivated me. his gap moe as a chuuni emo demonic overlord and wife with a maidenly glass heart has bewitched me body and soul. i want luo binghe to be happy so badly!!

i think that's why bingqiu fascinates me. most of the bingqiu arts i draw are like slice of life vignettes, so without the meat and bones of fanfic diving into bingqiu's messiness, i would not have ascended to this level of brain rot for them...

[mintjeru]

may you always have sweet dreams 🌼 happy birthday xiao!!

open for better quality | no reposts

[invinciblerodent]

Y'know, puttering around with my recordings, I think I really am going to give Davrin's romance with Ver a pretty serious twisting around. Rewrite some things a bit, change things around, keep most of the "slow burn" of it intact- but also add in the "friends with benefits" elements that I feel match what he says in the check-in scene after the point of no return better.

I think I have a post from like, months before release, when all we knew about the character was "charming Warden (who may or may not have been the Storm Coast team's commander in '41)", about how I sort of expected his to be the romance that starts off more casual (with the expiration date all Wardens have, it's not surprising that someone who's been one for at least ten years would be hesitant to enter any genuine emotional entanglements, platonic or romantic), and then for him to find himself falling for Rook unexpectedly (and kind of against his will) anyway.

And from some of that late dialogue, I still think that that may have been the exact intention, initially, but maybe they didn't want to create too big a disparity between the different romance paths, or like they didn't want for it to come off like they weren't taking him as seriously as the rest, so the path sort of ended up getting a bit... I don't wanna say "subdued", but I can't think of a better word lol. Brought to match the pacing of the others and the overall story more, that's more like what I mean.

.... Anyway, I kinda think I wanna have them sleep together for the first time either after his personal quest (no more distractions, clearly established romantic interest in- and some commitment to one another, but with still an opportunity to angst about everything else) or preferably, that night after drinking with Lucanis.

I'm leaning towards the latter thought, specifically because it'd be clearly a very, very bad idea.

It'd be far too fast, far too early, I got that scene like right after the Cauldron, so deep in the thick of his personal quest- plus, the mutual interest was barely expressed like one day prior to it, and there was alcohol involved. Which all kind of makes it perfect, because it's an awful time to toss that complication in there.

But, it gives me an opportunity to have the both of them keep thinking that it being just a casual, physical thing is what the other wants (despite the "well, I could see us heading somewhere, someday" of it), and to have their feelings developing sort of in the background of it-- and then!!!!! that forest kiss can also take a role more like another complicating factor, with the "heart of a halla" line being a bit more ambiguous.

Like, casually kissing your booty call/situationship/FWB you've been secretly falling for, it's a bit more touchy-feely than the previously established [they were not established] guidelines [there are no guidelines] suggest is appropriate [none of this is appropriate], but it feels right, and that alone makes it feel weird and confusing, ykwim?

But, then the whole "Most of my life, I've gone it alone. With you... I never want to go back." thing makes more sense being where it is, after his personal quest, to me at least. Because that sounds like a confession, and with being free from worries and the griffons safe (with Eldrin, in that game), there's a great time to have a long-ish, actually serious conversation about what this is and where it's going.

.... That would also mean that some of the bed scene dialogue doesn't make as much sense ("Is this all just for show"? "Just like I imagined"? Girl you know exactly if it's for show and what his hands feel like, you've been getting dicked down semi-regularly for weeks), but I can work with some tweaks to that lol. The final parts of it, about planning the future and getting soppy still make perfect sense, it's just those lines in the leadup that need some minor tweaking.

Idk, I really liked the in-game experience I had, and I love me a good slow burn, but I can't deny that it's more my style when "slow burn" doesn't also mean ".... so sex is a thing that happens only at the very end, when all feelings are resolved". I like it adding more uncertainty and confusion into the mix, and giving a sort of "oh, this is different now" feel to that first time once the feelings are also resolved.

(The date though, I wanna keep where and how it is exactly, because he mentions he got the tip for the picnic from Evka and Antoine, and I find it really cute to imagine him just sort of looking at them after speaking with Valya like.... "... they probably have the right idea of it, don't they. While we're here, let... let me just go ask. How to, uh. Do this whole. Romance thing, I guess. Make it sound, idk, casual. And chill. We're... chill." Never mind that Evka and Antoine are literally one of the most romantic couples any of them know, but yknow, nbd.)

(And then it goes all the way sideways? Love it. Love the "hey so this tea I thought would be a fun, cute thing for us to try made her trip absolute balls for a while, so maybe this outing is not a great opportunity to like, talk. Seriously. About how I may or may not be falling a little bit in love with her. And by 'little bit', I mean 'up to the very tips of my ears'. Nbd, just gonna... postpone, spilling my guts out for her perusal, I guess." of it all. A+, no notes.)