#it might be gone by the end of the week
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call it insomnia emotions, but the comments on the pain on main fic recently really got me wanting to abandon the fic
#like 100% in my own head right now#but i don't think people understand how much some of the aspects come from my own lived experience#and having so many people continually comment 'person is processing their feelings wrong' or 'person is being an unsympathetic ass'#because i am that person with wrong feelings by their judgement#because i am the unsympathetic ass by their judgement#if it was one or two i think i would i would be ok#but it isn't#it just really sucks#so idk#download it now i guess#it might be gone by the end of the week
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I know that after Downfall the perspective of 'the gods are a FAMILY' has permeated fandom on both sides of the kill-all-gods argument, but frankly that isn't all they are and acting as if it's suddenly their only motivation flattens both them as characters and the narrative they (and bells hells) are in.
The Wildmother and The Raven Queen didn't 'let' Lolth get away with nabbing Opal and killing Cyrus because she’s their sister. Come on man, we've already seen that the primes are plenty capable of opposing and fighting their siblings on the side of mortals (is the calamity a joke to you??). I'm not saying the primes aren’t capable of picking the lives of their betrayer siblings over mortals (downfall showed as much) but that's not what the situation with Opal and Lolth was about in the slightest.
They let Lolth 'get away with it' not because she’s family, but because this is the very rare instance of them not only having the same goal, but of them actively fighting for their lives. As far as we know that has only happened once before on Exandria, and that time they also entered a truce to defend themselves. The vast majority of the time, the primes picking their siblings over mortals won’t happen because mortals can’t actually threaten the gods (normally), making the 'they're family argument' a moot point. The primes won’t necessarily agree with Lolth's methods, but they won’t go throwing away both hers and their own champions in a meaningless struggle when they need all their strength to stop the fucking apocalypse.
#critical role#cr3#cr3 spoilers#nella talks cr#there's also the point that opal willingly made a deal with lolth#is that an end all be all argument to let lolth have her? no. it was a deal made under duress and manipulation#similarly fjord made a deal with uk'otoa under duress to not drown and he got to wiggle out of it (with the support of melora i might add)#but in this one instance? not only was opal too far gone to tear back without killing her#but doing so would also deprive exandria of a divine champion fighting to stop predathos#I've been meaning to make a post talking about the merrits of the other side of this argument#(aka why i understand some characters dislike the gods and why matt noted after downfall that it partially proved Ludinus' point)#but i keep seeing such bonkers fucking takes that i haven’t gotten around to it#maybe next week after I've watched the latest episode (and the latest bells hells god discussion lol)#anyway. it's five in the morning and I'm quite sleep deprived. please forgive any odd wordings
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Anons are off because I'm done with people lying in my inbox, insulting me, and just piling on. I am one person who is trying to deal with hatred from multiple sides but those sending these messages see themselves as just one person throwing in their opinion because you can't see the other 15 messages I get insulting me for the same thing. I feel like I've been clear about my stance and why I function how I do in my small space online. If you find issue with how I function then please just unfollow me and leave me alone. I'll be offline for a while but I appreciate everyone who's sent me caring messages and things to consider a lot. I'm genuinely disappointed though, that this all comes from me saying I love my Jewish community and I hope they're doing okay- My first message directed at supporting other Jews I've made, after months of reaffirming my care for Palestine. Stay safe yall.
#I have too much to get done rn anyway#I didn't get to do my shop update because things are late but at this point id rather take half my income for the month being gone over thi#I need to protect my stress related health issue still too. my wounds might have healed up but i need to make sure it doesnt flare up again#I'm genuinely sorry to anyone who my way of functioning isn't enough for. I can't be everyone's idol or hero or person they respect.#and i dont want to be any of that to anyone. im not some moral figure for others. im legit just a guy who draws personal art some people#ended up liking#anyway i need to stop looping on this. i hope everyone will have a good week.#jumblr
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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I didn’t get to the beach this month and that’s honestly so tragic. What about the salt air? The rust on the door? I never needed anything more
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I frickin hate flights that depart after 12pm.... Your entire day just gets killed by Needing To Get To The Airport where you don't want to do anything too big that might compromise your ability to get to the airport but you also have so much goddamn time before you need to get there that it's like. Okay? And what am I supposed to do with 10hrs before my flight when I only need 3hrs of that to get to the airport and go through security?
#the answer is i'm working in the hotel lobby so i can save the vacation day when i wouldn't be able to do anything anyway#extremely happy with my decision to wear earplugs & not drink at all last night bc i am doing so much better than expected this morning#my ears were so blown out when i woke up on sunday and i can't imagine how miserable it would be to fly feeling like that#shocked how good i'm feeling for having gone to three nights of concerts and on my feet for a minimum of 7hrs straight at each#now i get to get home super late / spend less than 12hrs at home / leave for 2 day business travel 🙃🙃🙃🙃#i've barely been home for a full week since the end of june..... and now i might end up going away for part of my staycation in october :')
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Weekly DIY Politics
Are you a resident of Scotland?
Do you live in a Labour constituency (bonus points if it's one they recently gained from the SNP)?
Do you oppose the two-child benefit cap?
Have you contacted your MP to express your disappointment over Labour's current actions (or lack of action) in this area?
Consider doing so now!
#Edit: obviously this applies to people in the rest of the UK too; I mention Scotland due to recent changes there that might make it easier#I mean the only way Labour are going to stop parroting that 'we have to appeal to the centre not the left' nonsense#Is if people give them feedback in constituencies where their victory is not certain#And the number of posts I've seen about this online outweighs the number of people I suspect have actually contacted their MP about it#I'm not promising their position will change but they're definitely not going to be aware of the depth of feeling on the matter#if nobody contacts them about it through the usual routes#I highly doubt that Labour is staffing an entire team of dedicated tumblr-watchers so probably best to contact them as well as posting#Personally I am not blameless in this- it's been a busy week and I couldn't get an email sent before the SNP's motion#But the issue hasn't just gone away and pushing for inclusion in the autumn budget or at least for it to be moved up the priority list#Is still important#At the end of the day we're not just opposed to this policy because it's proof that Labour are lousy#But because it is actively affecting and impoverishing children- and that doesn't go away just because one motion failed#It's not just a political football- so you can still criticise Labour's lack of action whilst pushing for them to actually change policy
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complaining about. acting technique in blood of youth under the cut
tbh, it's all fine / i can't really say for the most part. i am just Annoyed about how the actors are interrupting each other lol
like, im not an actor (AT ALL lmao)! i know so little! but oh god the pacing of the interrupting is killing me lol! there's a full beat, every time, between the speaker being cut off and the speaker who is interrupting and this keeps happening! sure, it breaks my immersion every time when the guy being interrupted stops talkong in order to be interrupted, yes, annoying for me but its tv, time passes. but worse (imo) this acting choice keeps reading as 'the character cutting themselves off' which is a totally different action than 'another character in the scene cutting them off' — totally different dynamic, totally different way to build tension in the scene!! aaargh, haha.
and the fixes for this are really straightforward! a note i have heard theater directors give a lot is "inhale a few words before your next line so you will be ready to talk" — this helps keep the pace of the scene (and in theater, prevents the runtime of the show from being longer than what's printed on the show programs ahaha). the other note i've often heard given is for the speaker being interrupted to have something in mind for the rest of the sentence — something they probably want to know for character work anyway (lol, i say as i frequently interrupt characters in fic BECAUSE i have no idea what i want then to say next, but that's beside my current point). again w this technique the goal is to eliminate that space of silence between the lines, and preserve that feeling of "being cut off" for the audience. but it's such an easy note to give, its just timing!
ok /rant
#ahahaha dont mind me. my 2 cents of theater knowledge bring me much joy and much pain everyday#would i ever direct? i seriously considered it in college#i think if i'd gone on to grad school in theater i might have dabbled#ugh i miss working on PLAYS lol dance shows are well and good but STORY .................. i miss u character notes ....#hidey speaks#theater tag#anyway it turns out if you are writing for like 10h a week and then suddenly totally stop#you end up with WAY more energy and time? shocker right#anyway due to various injuries i havent been to anything all week and won't for several more days and im losing it y'all#all i have now is stretching ....... and walking at grandpa speed ...#if u have read this far i commend you 🫡#hidey watches blood of youth
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sometimes i remember that there are people who followed my blog for urbanspook-related stuff who are still following me to this day and im like "wow how haven't you guys gotten sick of my shit yet LMAO"
#scary crane rambles#not fandom#dont get me wrong i appreciate that they've stuck around for so long and i love that they're still here#but MAN i think it's funny how fast i decided that i didn't want anything to do with that series ever again ksdjnfsjdn#and i still don't by the way; at this point the fandom is getting stale and canon has gone off the deep end#and frankly i'm a little sick of twitter shenanigans every other week#actually now that i think of it i think i just don't like analog horror. yeah i think that might be it#the presentation of it 9/10 times is really. boring to me. and there's really not a lot people are able/willing to do with it#so it either comes off as really boring or like. just really silly and Not Scary™#so it's gotta be a no from me dawg LMAO#anyways uhhh. hows your night going
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I wish I was dead
#obligatory im not gonna do anything#just thinking about it#this week is going to be so hard on me#im already doing bad and its day two#i need her home#i might end up in the hospital if my brain actually processes shes gone#shes with her family right now#so i needa behave
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Feeling sick! Like emotionally and whatnot
#😓#no bc i know there is something wrong with me. but christttt what is wrong with me ya know 😩😩😩 ????#i just feel like throwing up and killing something but i have this weird terrified energy within me that prevents me from like ???#doing anything at all atp#ive been doing better this week. ive even been wroting again. but the core emotion and wrongness isnt gone at all#ive just learned how to work around it#but i hate hate hate walking around my own house feeling vaguely scared of nothing#and feeling vaguely angry. and vaguely nauseous and terrified etc etc#like enough !!!!!!!!!#i have no idea how long they're gonna keep me on their therapy waiting list so atp i might go private#bc i feel like im going insane#the depression is honestly manageable bc ive been through it before#but this overhanging wrongness is disturbing me so very deeply that im losing my mind#and i cant sleep !!!!! bc i either cry or i get angry or i get paranoid abt the past#or even worse i try to piece together the past (never ends well)#but whatever ! im going to hamburg the day after tomorrow and i know that will be a nice temporary distraction 👍
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Can’t wait for my drivers license to arrive so I can be driving legally again for the first time in 1.5 years!
#for legal reasons this is a joke#SO THIS IS WHATS UP#as a youngin#a young adult one might say#I was starting to learn that some systems are bullshit when I’d previously been a pretty big rule-follower#my mom showing me how to navigate the healthcare system a bit/showing me how student loans legit have practices to confuse and fuck us over#also im really bad at getting things in on time (this is an important fact)#so when I see that my drivers license is abt to expire. I’m like ‘Oup gotta get that done!’ then promptly forget abt it#next time I remember it’s 3 months expired.#I check the date and realize that wait! in a year imma be turning 21 and just one yr after that Real ID’s will become mandatory (im p sure)#so I decide to push off renewing my license! I think that the whole process will b annoying asf bc I’ve only dealt with the DMV in-person#and it SUCKED and took forever. I’m thinking that if I renew my drivers license right on/after my 21st birthday I can knock out two birds#with one stone: I can get it as a Real ID and I can get an updated picture that’s flipped sideways so getting age-checked is faster#little do i know: it’s v much illegal to be driving around with an expired license!#I drive around for a year (over a year? I don’t remember when I first realized it was expired) j having fun#then one month b4 my 21st birthday I get into an abroad study thing and have to get my passport. which I realize is also expired. and#realize that to renew my passport I have to have a valid drivers license. At this point I also realize how fucked I could be if I get pulled#over with my expired license. so I check out the process for DL renewal and rejoice! it’s online!#AND THANK FUCK I CHECKED THEN. bc if I had waited LITERALLY two more days I would not have been able to renew online and would’ve had to go#in-person. and there were no in-person appointments until after my 21st. and I learned in this process abt the fines my state applies when u#renew a DL late and ALSO that u have to entirely retake the test/redo all the paperwork shit if it’s expired for too long. I would’ve had to#retake the test n everything if I’d gone past my bday. I was also in another state for college. idk how incoherent these ramblings are but#basically I would’ve been Ultra Fucked. anyways! got that figured out#renewed the DL and had it sent to my home. then da house floods and crime goes up in the neighborhood and my DL ends up either being lost#Or tossed (with other flood-damaged things) or stolen.#I don’t realize this for 4 months bc I am silly. also in college out-of-state. also other reasons.#finally got around to calling DMV and telling them that my DL never arrived… 6 months after I renewed it!#and they were v sweet and are resending me my DL for free. so in the next few weeks I shall finally b driving legally again#!!!! the end#mypost
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#i say goodbye to my boss tomorrow#not like officially officially bc im still employed into August so we have meetings#and hopefully we'll collaborate in future on projects and i have papers to write with her still#but like this is the last time ill physically see her bc shes not coming back until August and ill b gone by then#so its like. sad. bc shes my science mum. today she was complaining abt some stupid politics stuff#that went on this week in the department and she was like i kno i should b more professional but i feel like since ur leaving now#were more colleagues and friends. and im like 😭 god dammit ur gonna make me fucking cry#i came this this school to work with u and u were so great. i was so lucky to have ended up in her lab#bc i didnt kno wtf i was doing and shes not perfect but i learned a lot from her and ill b really sad to not b working with her so much#but thats how it goes. ill have to make her something cool as a parting gift#god. thatll b a fucking pain but she deserves something that takes a lot of effort#were meeting tomorrow to go over a protocol but im not sure if that's actually what were doing or if theres a surprise involved#bc she likes to do that and it stresses me the fuck out. she's been wanting to get me ice cream for the last 2 months so that might actually#b what's happening. or both could b happening. ugh. anyway. just me crying abt how im gonna miss my boss who im literally seeing tomorrow#im gonna have to giver her a painfully earnest letter abt how great she is and apologize for kinda having a breakdown#i mean i wasnt totally nonfunctional but like. it was not good and im sure i kinda sucked to b around#but whatever. god. the move it finally on the horizon. it finally feels like its getting real#unrelated
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Okay aaaand someone stole my sandwich from the break room fridge I really am just gonna fucking lose it
#I can feel a scream sobbing mental breakdown coming on but I need it to hold off until about 11 pm#after I’ve gotten off and gone to an atm to get cash for laundry#once I’m in my apartment I can start screaming while I clean up a week’s worth of dishes and trash#so help me god if I go to the dmv tomorrow with every piece of paper work the dealership gave me AND their website pulled up saying what#documents I need as proof I have the right shit and they’re still difficult#I might actually finally well and truly snap and do something that ends with me having an arrest warrant#but ya know#I’m fine#just trying not to lose it and start yelling at some random coworker for daring to chat with me rn#kaz rambles
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i came back to the dorm and one of the turtles is straight up missing (...she's probably dead is my guess but i didn't wanna hit my roommate with that question during class yk) and the tank (which still contains a live turtle) is full of fucking BUBBLING algae my roommate's stuff was On My Bed the floor is. gross and roomie's cat's (pretty limited amount of) toys are nowhere to be seen (meaning he's attacking me and i have nothing to redirect him with) one of my baskets has been shredded and ??? one of my skirts (which was presumably hung up before i left) was found on the floor of my closet fucking dried stiff and stained both yellow AND glittery????? everything smells awful in a familiar way i can't quite identify and the floors are sticky in a bunch of places. what the FUCK is going on
#i don't have like a mop or anything! what am i gonna do sponge the floors down??#she said she doesn't remember if the closet was opened or closed but like. nothing i had in there could have done that to the skirt#(...probably? the only liquid i had in there was fucking. laundry detergent)#(and there's no evidence of that spilling or leaking)#im trying to figure out how reasonable it'd be to like. confront my roommate about this#she's got a lot going on and i am Not the kind of person who's gonna give her shit for some mess#but it was actually ridiculous this time#she was staying in the dorm over winter break and i wasn't. for context#side note but rascal has Another new bed? he doesn't even care about beds very much WHERE ARE HIS TOYS. HELP ME? PLEASE?#im so tired pls it's the FIRST DAY BACK#god im not smart enough for this. i asked her and she said she doesn't pay attention to whether or not my closet door#is closed and like fair ig but smth about it is off to me bc like How Else Would It Have Gotten Like That#im confident it was closed when i came in and it was almost certainly closed when i left like 5 weeks ago#but im. really not good at assessing whether or not ppl are lying to me. like idk maybe it was some kind of mysterious leak#or i hung it up to dry and it fell and dried weird (idr if it was wet or not when i left)#my own distrust of her for how she treats her animals AND my sympathy for struggling with caring for animals#in the midst of burnout/a very demanding life are at odds and both are biasing me in opposite directions#well anyway i can't unpack a lot of my stuff bc im just. confounded by it#i'll clean the floor over there later i just can't right now im too out of it#also rascal has been very sweet too he's just Extremely pent up over the whole 'small room with Literally Nothing to do all day' life he has#truthfully he smells/his fur feels kinda weird too but it might just be bc ive been gone for a bit#bc i feel like i remember that from last time too#i could forgive a lot of these things individually but all of them at once? man.#another entry in 'is she depressed or just not very considerate?'#(<- she's never mentioned anything approaching depression/etc i just can't imagine.. not being depressed)#but the turtle thing is the worst bc like. how do i even bring that up. i don't wanna reopen that wound yk#and while there's a bit of 'see i told you' going on she probably feels bad enough already right. maybe#but she also doesn't know Shit about how to care for turtles and ignored my warnings. that turtle was sick for months#and vets are expensive but she'll spend money on these high end shoes as they drop and then act too broke to get a $10 heat bulb. whatever#idk. i should've pushed her harder. it hasn't really sunken in yet but it's my fault too. guh
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"I love you." Show me something real. Prove it. Sick of these empty fucking words, maybe I'll believe it if your actions ever match your mouth. It's like it's not even your own voice, just lip syncing because saying you love me is that horrible.
#fuck OFF with the lovebombing. I know you dont mean any of it. I wish I never came crawling back sometimes. He was right. he was RIGHT.#miss him because at least his beatings were consistent. at least we could both be horrible together.#he could do whatever he wants to me and in return i could demand love. and god i ate it up even if it was like empty calories#he was right. nobody will love me like him. it only gets worse from here#just for once i thought maybe things could get better. might end up in a hospital by the end of the week though#its reassuring to have people worry for once. it feels good for puffy eyes and weak limbs to be physical manifestations of ripped up heart#finally gave up. been bed rotting since yesterday. i dont know if i can work tomorrow. dont wanna see a new year#my whole life ive given everything for the comfort of other people because i know how the neglect feels. shame ill die being nice#too tired to do much of anything though. the anxiety hits in waves and saps all energy from me.#wanted to steal a box cutter because i lost my knife but my head feels so heavy and my legs keep falling asleep#god i love being so forgettable to everyone. even the people who have ever insisted im their whole world forget me. what curse is this?#at least maybe there wont be many tears when im gone. i want people to move on but god do i want them to suffer as i have too#i really think my heart is too big for this body and my throat too small. the agony is burning out my organs#i see why ppl like me live 20 years shorter.#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized#actually obsessive
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