#it makes me fucking sick bc that's so realistic unfortunately

[watanabes-cum-dump]

my roman empire are these silly little post apocalyptic gay teenagers who are caught up in a horrible war and are subjected to The Horrors™ on the daily and the sadge adults who have seen and done similarly unspeakable things and place their hope on the younger generation

[fairycosmos]

Ya I’m really sick of asking for help. I’ve always been an extremely independent and self reliant person who has been excellent at talking care of myself and then recently (2 years) it started being too much and I did reach out for help. Therapists, doctors, loved ones, etc. All fucking failures. Many of them made things worse with psychiatric abuse! What if help isn’t a real thing? Like dead fucking ass. That’s what I can’t get over. Everybody your whole life says “Get Help!!!!” like it’s this magical thing and it’s supposed to work it does work for a lot of people! And then you try. Really, really hard - multiple times - and it does nothing. So I’m done. I just can’t get over it. The way it’s such bullshit. The way people say “there must be a solution, there must be help” Why? There doesn’t have to be anything in this world. Sometimes things don’t work out okay in the end. Everybody cut the bullshit platitudes, stop trying to make me feel better with hollow words, and shut the fuck up about getting help until you can tell me what that would actually look like that I haven’t fucking tried already. People will literally tell me “but you’re doing okay though” when I just told them I’m not. And like to anyone who happens to be reading this thinking “oh but just try again anon, it’s out there somewhere!” sorry but fuck you too. Why can’t people just admit they don’t know what they’re talking about and sometimes you can’t put yourself in another person’s shoes. Like for one, I haven’t even mentioned the specific shit I’m dealing with here lol but if I said this to anyone they’d just try to fill me up with “awwww but it’ll get better.” Go to hell.

yeahhh i totally feel you im at pretty much the same place RN like im not mad at people for being kind or hopeful but also it's like im not stupid im doing everything i can it's just not fucking working. i completely understand your frustration and i think a lot of ppl do bc unfortunately mental illness isn't black and white or straightforward lol like at all. im sorry i don't have much more to add to this but also i know realistically there's not much i cab say that will change ur situation. im just really really sorry you have to deal with it and i want you to know at the very least you're not alone in this experience. only thing i cling int is the idea that one day i will get the right help at the right time, by some miracle lmfao. X

[bellysoupset]

SOUP!!!!!!!

HI HI HI HI I CANT EXPLAIN HOW HAPPY I AM THAT YOURE BACK!!! oh my goodness i was literally typing this when i saw that you asked where i’ve been💀 i’ve been reading fics as you post them (i don’t have notifs on but i check your blog for updates on a regular basis LMAO) but life shtuff has only now died down enough for me to actually write/comment on things!! gosh i’m so excited you’re back!! in the LEAST pressure-y way, it’s almost embarrassing how slowly days went by as i was waiting for you to start posting again LOL like at one point i was telling myself “okay she said 20 days, it’s probably been at least a week”. it had been literally 3 days 💀 HAHAHAHWH

ANYWAYS

AHHHHHH MY BABIES MY BABIES!!!!! i don’t remember what the last thing i talked about on here was but WOW these last fics have made me cry and laugh and blush sooo many different times!! wen finding out was CRAZY and i literally sobbed w her bc the way everything played out was so unfortunate but also so realistic and raw and i had so many mixed feelings about everything!!!! and then wen isolating and bella checking on her!! and wen trying to push her away and then admitting that she felt so lonely GOD THAT WAS DEVASTATING but then bella being so supportive and comforting AGHHHH my girlsss <3333

and then omg the fic after that one??? i was SO surprised that wen forgave vin? and that they’re trying long distance??? i’m so fucking excited and happy abt that but god i’m sure it’ll be hard 😭 but YAY I KNEW THEY LOVED EACH OTHER TOO MUCH TO GIVE UP LIKE THAT ♥️

side note, luke being so depressed and struggling so much to adapt to his meds is so sad but so realistic too :,) i’m glad you’re making this a part of the plot!! but my man is def off his meds already lol im interested to see where this goes!! and also i LOVE how well jon and leo are doing <3 despite everything going on, they’re in their happy era fr <3

and now i’m sorry but the sick vin fic?????????? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WAS EVERYTHING I NEEDED AND MORE‼️ first off, leo talking to him and being so real but also like calling him out like that??? while still being super supportive??? and the way he described wen was so accurate and so him-coded??? and then AHHHHH i’ve ALWAYS loved vin and bell’s friendship, i’ve genuinely always thought it was super adorable and i wanted more of them, so this fic was gold 🤭 a trope that ALWAYS gets me is when someone is ANGRY at someone they love and ofc being bitchy and sassy until they realise said someone is very much Unwell (it’s especially good if they’re so sick that they’re really out of it), and when they realise how sick they are they IMMEDIATELY switch from mad to concerned + caretaker mode!!!! so yeah you can imagine this whole fic had me on my knees 🤭 obsessed w how protective of luke bell is, and how protective of vin wen is, but also how both girls just jumped straight into action when he was clearly not feeling good <333 and then vin realising wen was using her dr. voice, and then the pure ANGST at the end when he sobs and they just hug and the “god i’m gonna fucking miss you” SOB SOB SOB SOB 😭😭😭🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

bell sick and luke taking care of her was also AMAZINGGGG🫶🏽 i always love when my girls get whumped <3333 omg and AHHHH luke and vin finally talking abt shtuff🥹 the “nothing to forgive” 😭 luke knowing he’ll get sick AND holding him closer??? GOSH THE BROTP MAN !!!!!

and oh my goodness i just read the most recent fic with the new OC!!!! this is so exciting and cool and i love his vibes ahhhh <3 i love how nonchalant max seems abt shtuff and im so so excited to see where things go!! i hope vin and him become friends but also i feel like there’s gonna be some tension and weird banter going on between them at least at first hehehe

ANYWAYS

your writing is fucking incredible and whenever i see a new post from your blog it genuinely lights up my day <3 i am completely in love with all your characters and the depth and intricacies behind each of them ♥️ i’m so thankful your blog exists🫶🏽 also, i saw you were really struggling for a while and i just wanted to check in and see if you were doing better? you’re so loved and talented and appreciated and you deserve all the peace and love and happiness in the world!!! i hope things are going well/better!

i can’t wait to read more of what you write! i’m super excited about this new character and about reading more stories abt your lovely OCs <3

YOU’RE AMAZING THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING AND KEEP SLAYING!!!

🦦

Soup found DEAD from love cardiac arrest outside of Miami beach.

🦦!!!!! Honestly I don't even wanna post your comments, I just wanna stare at them for hours 🙈🙈

Don't worry about catching up on fics, they'll be here when life slows down!! I know very well how sad it is that we must Adult ™.

I am SO HAPPY you liked the Wendy/Vince developments!! In my head you're like THE Wendy/Vin supporter, so every time I write something with them I'm like "uhmmm wonder what 🦦 is gonna think??"

Caretaker who's pissed and then switches to comfort is also one of my favorite tropes, I looooove the spiciness of guilt thrown in!

Take care babe 💛💛

[aemoglobin]

I GOT MY ALBUMS!!!!!! A DAY EARLY!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH *dancing in a circle*

i got jun's album for the carat version and i'm so sick of there being 13 guys in this group bc my chances of getting woozi are so stupidly low and i'm not about to start trading bc that way lies madness. i don't care about kpop men THAT much. but also can i at least get one of the guys whose face is shaped enough for me to be able to recognize it,

heejin finally announced her album and preorders opened, but unfortunately i'm gonna have to skip it bc i can't...do another ktown order so soon....i have bills and i need to buy winter clothing + stuff for my kitchen/apt. i WISH i could be one of those "employed so i have money for my hobby but living with my parents who are not making me pay any rent or utilities" kpoppers but unfortunately, as you already know,

i feel only kinda bad bc i didn't get oec re-debut either...the stars just did not align for it and they won't align for any modhaus releases i fear, which sucks bc i like kim lip a lot and i would LOVE to have their music too to go with loossemble & chuu...but again. not a rich bitch. have to be realistic and manage my financials accordingly.

now i'm just waiting for target to actually ship my fucking svt album (they STILL haven't shipped it, and the one i work at has NOT stocked it bc our tech dept is a disaster), and then....that'll be it for this cb.

i also preordered a vidy game bc it's been...a while...since i last used my switch, and i like fashion games, so i am getting fashion dreamer and we'll see if it opens my switch era again. i do need to actually..play..my shining pearl game i got....haha,,

[atlascas]

DEANCAS FIC REC

(last updated 7/1)

FINALLY. this is like. just a place for me to rec and write excessively abt the fics i've been reading lately. it won't be organized but it WILL be very earnest and i'll keep it updated as i find/remember more. also i have obnoxiously high standards when it comes to fic so these ARE the cream of the crop, if u will. the god tier. the s tier. 

very loosely organized into "newer fic" and "classics." these are subjective categories. do what you will

✨ = new fic on the list

💖 = in my brain rent free!

CURRENTLY READING

these are the fics that i’m currently reading! may or may not get recced. usually i read the first couple paragraphs/lines and if i like the writing it gets bookmarked and put on this list.

lazarus needs a robe of scarlet thread by herrosesneverfall, 90k, canonverse au. dean starts getting stigmata. when i was getting back into spn there were a LOT of religious fics flying around bc that was the Hot Topic of Discussion. this was one of them

Three weeks ago, Dean woke up in a pine box. He thought dealing with the nightmares was going to be the most difficult part of his new life after Hell, but at least they were something he could understand. Something he could deal with. Something he deserved.

Then he began having agonizing visions of crucifixion. Wounds appeared on his body out of nowhere. Wounds that refused to heal and coated his skin with the sickly sweet smell of roses.

Stigmata are said to be the marks of saints, but Dean is not a saint and the wounds are only the beginning.

kingdom come by ahurston, 8.7k, coda to 15x18. cas gets to go home. im gathering all the s15 fix-its to my heart and holding them close

Cas wakes up on the coast of Maine. He makes his way home.

hunger by ellispark, 10.8k, s13 au. dean grieves cas, post s12 finale. perfect writing perfect awful heartwrenching characterization so far on dean’s end especially towards jack. nuanced emotional writing

Dean takes his meal and throws it away, plate and all. He's not hungry. How can he even begin to eat, knowing what he kept from Cas — what he kept from both of them?

They could have had something, and now all Dean has is this gaping, empty hole in his stomach, in his chest, and he has to learn to breathe and eat and move around it.

the law of equivalent exchange by awed_frog, 60.8k, canonverse. cas loving dean in all permutations of humanity, throughout time.

“And what’s the point of it?”

“Of love? There isn’t one. Loving is its own purpose.”

NEWER FIC

“newer” just means “i discovered it in 2020/2021 after coming back to spn fandom” so it very well could have been published before 2015 but really who’s checking. not me that’s for sure.

💖 so says the sword by komodobits, 85k, s4 au. cas guards the michael sword in the beautiful room. this is easily the MOST obvious rec on this entire list but it was the first fic i read when i got back into spn this year and jesus christ it set the bar sky fucking high. the way they create a coherent mythology out of the mess that is spn canon is incredible.

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’

Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

assimilation by komodobits, 5.6k, coda to 12x01. mary meets dean and cas and they go to find sam. such good character studies of all three of them. the best mary pov fic i’ve read

Mary always thought you were supposed to be able to tell. That you could just look at someone and know they were – you know. One of that sort. It’s not supposed to happen to her son.

cuckoo and nest by komodobits, 10k, ambiguously canonverse. dean and cas navigate relationship anxiety. cute, in character, and their relationship is realistic and the conflict well-written and emotionally nuanced and really really really good. 

For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental.

It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless.

💖 one white lie by komodobits, 11k, au. cas panics when trying to ask dean out and has to fake being a jehovah’s witness. it’s adorable and hilarious and it’s been ages since i actually got butterflies at a kiss in a fic but this did it. it did it. it felt like someone swaddled my soul in a cashmere blanket and kissed me on the forehead

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

a crash course in someone else’s history by annie d (scaramouche), 11.5k, set during s6. cas comes to as his s4 self without any memories of the past two years and has to figure out what the fuck is going on. it’s kind of like so says the sword. you’ll know it when you get to it.

Castiel is captured inside a trapping circle of holy oil set by Dean and Sam Winchester. The brothers call him "Cas", claiming that he has amnesia and that he is obligated to help them take down Crowley to atone for his betrayal of them. It's the strangest story Castiel's ever heard, and one he doesn't have time for because he's only just raised Dean from Hell and has work to get back to.

💖 cas and dean’s adventures in gardening by ahurston, 19k, post-canon au. a series featuring dean and cas living in the bunker, human. cas is very into plants. i read this yesterday actually and it made me smile SO much it’s just so lovely and sweet. i’m also a sucker for any fic where cas has a garden. he deserves a fucking garden okay

In this post-God world, everything is different. A little quieter, a little softer. Cas grows a garden, Dean cooks, and they take care of each other.

tall grass by aeli_kindara, 57k, post-s12. dean and cas live in the bunker on their own, and cas grows a garden. i did say i love fics where cas has a garden. plus domesticity, plus some good case fic, PLUS dean and cas’ relationship is so gentle and good

“I think we should have a garden,” Cas says.

Dean looks up from his beer. He hasn’t had that much to drink, but Cas still has a vague look of unreality about him, a splash of living color that doesn’t fit in the bunker’s echoing stillness. Dean didn’t hear him coming. A lot of the time, Cas is so unobtrusive it feels like Dean has the bunker to himself, with Sam away.

Dean shakes his head to clear it. “A — garden?” he repeats.

in a week by renrub, 2.3k, post 15x18. cas is in the empty. dean saves him. this is genuinely the best “dean pulls cas out of the empty” fic i’ve read so far like conceptually this entire thing just fucks. when cas is cycling through the barn scene. god. SO well written

Castiel is outside a barn covered in sigils. He frowns. This isn’t right. This has never been something he repented for.

i won’t even wish for snow by annie d (scaramouche), 5.6k, college au. cas goes to the winchesters’ for christmas. honestly scaramouche fics belong in the classics section bc she’s like an og deancas writer but whatever. mistletoe! banter! good in-character au! this fic’s got it all

It’s the third year that Castiel’s spending Christmas with his best friend’s family, and he expects it to be much like the previous two. Then mistletoe happens.

convenient husbands by annie d (scaramouche), 39k, canonverse au. cas is a phoenix, dean is a hunter. they get married and have a sick psychic bond. unexpectedly fluffy considering how the fic starts and i love the banter so much and dean/cas’ relationship gets fleshed out and organically developed it’s very cute

"It's only temporary, right?" Dean says. "Just until you're healed up, and then we'll never have to see each other again. So what do you say, Castiel, do you want to marry me or not?"

cinderwings by bendingsignpost, 181k, cinderella au. cas goes to a masquerade ball to save his people from an eternity trapped in a void. he meets prince dean. i can’t tell u how much this fic drew me in - thru good worldbuilding, but mostly thru cas’ social awkwardness. like it works PERFECTLY to his advantage in this fic and reading how expertly he manipulates social situations w/o any fucking idea what he’s doing is both hilarious and inspiring

Under the cover of a masquerade ball, Castiel has five nights to recover the key to his people's freedom. The world has changed greatly in the six centuries since their banishment into the void, but the task isn't impossible. Unfortunately for Castiel, this is going to involve talking to people - especially the Knight Prince who has taken an interest in Castiel and his "costume" wings.

as the crow flies by bendingsignpost, 3.4k, au. dean and cas go on a roadtrip. cas has wings! it’s so dreamlike and meandering and the slowburn is so good. honestly it reminds me of stevebucky/stevesam post tws era roadtrip fics if ur hip LMAO

Cross country road trips with Cas are the best.

long-term relationship by bendingsignpost, 2.7k, au. dean and cas have a Serious Conversation about their relationship.

Castiel says, budging over to make room for Dean on the couch, “I thought we should have a serious talk about our relationship.”

Reflexively, Dean laughs.

Castiel does not.

“Uh, Cas... you know we’re not dating, right?”

all this and heaven too by ftmsteverogers, 7k, ambiguously canonverse. dean is trans. dean and cas are fucking and lowkey hiding it from sam. perfect character study PERFECT trans dean fic it’s so fucking well-written 

“Hey,” Dean said. “I’m not ashamed of you, okay?”

Cas raised skeptical eyes to meet his.

“I mean it,” Dean insisted.

“I understand you mean it,” Cas said. “But I don’t think it’s any better if you’re only ashamed of yourself.”

💖 the love story of the runner up by margo_kim, 4.7k, ambiguously canonverse. cas tries dating other men. bear with me here. this is an outside pov fic from an oc named miguel who is WONDERFULLY characterized and very endearing like i find outsider/oc pov to be on Thin Fucking Ice bc it always ends up as fandom/author self-insert but miguel is his OWN MAN. he gets his own lil arc and everything. dean and cas are concentrated perfectly crystallized versions of themselves and the little glimpses we get of them are amazing. ALSO i wrote like 9k of an spn vent fic (basically the same premise but w an oc named marcus) back in like. freshman yr of hs. so when i first opened this fic i was like what the fuck someone’s been in my google docs. very weird experience 10/10 regardless

“So you saw a white man in a trench coat pop out in an alley,” Paul says, “and you thought, what, ‘I want to see where this is going’?”

“If you get hung up on details like that,” Miguel says, “it will take a very long time to get through this story.”

For a very weird era in his life, Miguel dates an angel who is in love with another man.

sunshine by northernsparrow, 8k, set during s13. dean and cas have a long conversation about their Profound Bond. the description left me off-balance (it really. really truly says “dean is straight in this fic” like okay bro WEIRD hill to die on) but it pulled through w the relationship study and reassurance and snuggles. a sweet fic

One-shot with a single conversation between Dean and Castiel, set in a late-S13-ish world. Gabriel, Cas, Sam & Dean are all living in the bunker together, Gabe's been cracking certain jokes, Sam's found a certain book, Cas is injured and isn’t healing... and it's all making Dean wonder if his angel friend might have some sort of a "bond" with... somebody? Whatever that means.

Maybe it's time for a talk.

💖 still life by catchclaw, 16.5k, post-s8. cas, newly human, goes to live on his own for a while. he and dean maintain a relationship thru the phone. this is LITERALLY the only first person fic i fucking respect okay like i was skeptical! i really was! but the pov is PERFECT and also my man kevin tran is in this fic and i love him and miss him very much. oh and cas going off to explore humanity on his own..............perfect arc. very much in character we love that for him

Dean'd always thought that falling in love was a capital letter kind of thing, an Important Event you carved into the calendar of your life and never, ever forgot. But with he and Cas, it wasn't that simple.

it’s mostly cowardice, and bad timing by ferritin4, 1.6k, pre-canon. actually this one is just a dean study it’s not deancas but i spent an entire night looking for it and i need someone else to read it too. dean is smart!!! SAY THAT

Dean gets his GED.

a list of reasons the bunker shouldn’t get a sofa by lizbobjones, 5.6k, set during s12. sam and dean and mary and cas haul a sofa back to the bunker. cute domesticity and fluff

Let me count the ways that this is a terrible idea.

no kingdom to come by domesticadventures, 16.8k, canonverse. dean and cas deal with being stuck in quarantine in different ways. this is the one and only quarantine fic i’ve read and it’s really good lmao. dean and cas’ relationship is so organic and tentative in this one

“We should fuck,” Dean says.

Cas looks up from where he sits on his bed, hair still damp from the shower, frowning as he places a finger on the page of his book to mark where he left off.

There are a million things Cas could say here; Dean has rehearsed them. After lunch, his restlessness had given way to a vague panic, a dread that matched his every step and crept along with him from room to room. Eventually, he had returned to his bedroom and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing back and forth, playing out all the possible scenarios. When Cas asks him Why? or Are you being serious? or when he sighs and says, in that way he has, Dean, he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to shrug casually, like he isn’t invested in the answer, like he isn’t desperate for an outlet, and say, Why not? He’s going to raise an eyebrow and say, What, are you not interested? He’s going to crowd into Cas’ personal space, he’s going to shove himself right up in there and whisper Cas against his ear.

Instead, Cas says, carefully, “Okay.”

till the juice runs by deathbanjo, 8.4k, canonverse. it’s like dean’s being cursed to have bad hookups with men. SUCH a funny fic and the deancas tension is so simple and sweet and GOOD. plus cas is so enjoyably characterized here he’s so human and worn in and experienced in his own unique way. perfect use of rowena too

Apparently whoever drew up the venn diagram of Dean’s sex life decided the circle labelled ‘good sex’ and the one labelled ‘sex with men’ should be kept far apart.

turn of the year by kototyph, 3.9k, canonverse au. sam and dean get stuck out in the middle of nowhere on the winter solstice. what i wouldn’t give for a full 80k of this verse actually. also i went on a kototyph binge after reading shut up put your money where your mouth is and they have a SOLID spn repertoire

Fifteen minutes later, Dean gets back in the car with empty hands and ice in his fucking eyebrows. “Get the map out,” he says through chattering teeth, sticking numb fingers under his arms.

Sam holds up the battered 1995 Rand MacNally they keep in the side pocket, turned to a page of uninterrupted green. “We’re going to die,” he announces.

💖 bullets in the gun by kototyph, 4.9k, canonverse au. cas is a cop (i know. still) who gets kidnapped by dean in an unfortunate turn of events. GOD this fic is SO FUNNY. cas’ canny and strategic escape attempts render him a very active VERY funny pov character plus the hate attraction to dean is PERFECTLY WRITTEN VERY BELIEVABLE. dean’s kindness also shines thru even as he literally holds cas hostage like!!!! PERFECT characterization. both of them are so LIKABLE here. if you read anything on this list read this

“Sorry, sweetheart, but I’m going to need to borrow your car.”

as you will by kototyph, 1.8k, victorian au. cas endures a proposal mishap. it’s cute it’s funny it’s sweet!

"No?" Castiel echoes, dumbly.

and if i was looking too? by kototyph, 2.6k, au. cas is undercover where dean works. this fic is just so cute like. bird angels.................

There are some things Castiel hasn't told Dean, and there are some things he doesn't need to.

the most important thing by northernsparrow, 94.5k, s10 au. amnesiac cas raising claire until he comes across someone familiar. claire is so well characterized here i really loved her arc thruout this fic. she just wants her dad back and u can’t even blame her the author rlly does an amazing job creating realistic and heartbreaking motivations for her. oh and dean and cas (esp cas characterization!) are sweet in this but honestly the highlight IS claire for me

Jimmy Novak remembers nothing of the last six years. Reunited with his troubled daughter Claire, he's struggling to raise her on his own. The most important thing is to make Claire happy. But why does he keep having these dreams of wings, and of two men in a black car? (Canon-divergent from S10E11, when we first met Claire again and Dean was still struggling with the Mark of Cain. Takes places several months later).

there’s only one sure thing that i know by blinkiesays, 20.3k, post-s5. dean goes to help cas out in ohio and they end up building a home together. i love the writing it’s rlly funny and sweet.

Dean doesn't even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby's point: he's faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he's been defeated by the God damn Midwest.

💖 to an angel, love and worship are the same thing by geminisage, 10.3k, post s15 fix it. dean grieves cas - and then cas gets brought back back from the empty. i didn’t have this in my bookmarks so i MISSED it the first time around on this list but this was another one of the fics i came back to spn fandom to. it’s so fucking unique?? it actually reads like spn like i think fic tends to soften dean/cas up and makes them more emotional + emotionally intelligent than is ever shown in the show. here the dialogue/characterization adheres RIGOROUSLY to their communication in canon in that dean’s not overtly emotional, and cas is very reserved. they have to negotiate their relationship exactly like they would in the show. it’s all clipped conversation and anger and hurt and (warning btw) LOTS of internalized homophobia on dean’s end but it’s SO worth it. dean navigating his [GESTURES VAGUELY] everything is compellingly written, emotionally true, and PERFECTLY characterized. cas characterization also amazing like u rlly feel the quiet devoted bittersweet love. ok this was long clearly it’s a good fic go read it now

Just as Dean knew they would, the weeks do stretch into months, and then into a year. Grief never gets easier, Dean knows from experience, but you do get better at it. After all, you can get used to anything.

the violin house by teh_helenables, 8.5k, post-s5. dean and cas build a home after stull. so slow and lovely and sweet and gentle. i need to put this here so that i don’t forget it tbh. it’s very much dean as a war wife cas as the husband away on the front

The Apple Pie Life is a slow process, but Dean and Cas are getting there—until Cas is called for battle and Dean is forced to wait.

💖 muscle memory by komodobits, 18.9k, au. amnesiac cas wakes up three years in the future with dean in his kitchen. komodobits DOES NOT FUCKING MISS!!! i CRIED at the end of this i had NO INTENTION OF CRYING the rest of the fic isn’t even SAD i just had to sit there at the end of it w tears dribbling down my face. INSANE work of art

Dear Castiel,

Hello – it’s Castiel. This must all seem very confusing, and I’m sorry for that. Dean says to tell you that this isn’t some kind of ‘time-travel stunt’, although I’m sure that won’t be your first thought. I know it wasn’t mine. I’ve told Dean to leave now, as this is my notebook and I want everything in it to come from me – or rather, from you. I know you think it's the fifteenth of January, 2010, but it isn't. At the time of my writing this, the date is the fourth of October, 2013. Dean Winchester is your boyfriend of a year and a half, and you no longer work at the library, and in early 2010 you were hit by a car and hospitalised. I’m sorry.

a.k.a the 50 First Dates Dean/Cas AU where Castiel wakes up on a day just like any other, except that three years have passed without his knowing, and Dean Winchester is in the kitchen wanting to marry him.

don’t forget the experience points by annie d (scaramouche), 10.8k, au. cas is sam’s work friend, and he and dean get to know each other. genuinely an adorable fic. i adore cas’ characterization in this it’s snarky AND awkward AND confident in a way that i absolutely believe he would be if he had 30 yrs of human life under his belt

It's because Dean was an awesome brother than he took such an interest in Sam's new friend. No, really. What happened afterwards was mostly an accident.

actus fidei by manic_intent, 5.6k, canonverse au. dean’s a priest, cas is still his angel. i was HOOKED from the description alone like That’s Everything I Love in One Sentence. Cool!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the very first time that Castiel manifests in front of Father Dean Winchester, he gets as far as "Rejoice, for you are blessed-" before Dean shoots him with a salt-loaded shotgun.

not with a bang but a yelp by strange_estrangement, 1.4k, canonverse. team free will leave yelp reviews. this isn’t d/c actually it’s just a crack-ish fic but the formatting is cool and the references are SO funny and so well done

What happens when you visit dozens and dozens of motels every year? You leave Yelp reviews.

the courtship of combat by bendingsignpost, 18.2k, medieval a/b/o au. cas is politically coerced into fighting in a courtship melee for prince dean's hand, and he teams up with two unexpected allies to do it. I KNOW HOW THE ABO THING SOUNDS but i swear it's done well - it's by bendingsignpost so ofc he puts his own spin on the premise. im absurdly into it. PLUS jack is in it!!!!!!! it's technically an unfinished series but the first part is so good just on its own

When pressed upon to mate for a political alliance, Commander Castiel dares to refuse his king. As “I do not wish to mate at all” is clearly the wrong thing to say, Castiel takes the other path and lies. “You must know my affections lie elsewhere, my king.”

King Michael studies Castiel’s face long and hard. Then, with a nod, he snaps his fingers, pointing to Castiel. “The Winchester omega.”

“Yes,” Castiel says with no real recollection of who that is.

The ruse of an unavailable omega works well enough, right up until that omega is no longer unavailable. Then, with what seems to be his entire nation cheering him on toward victory, Castiel must enter the melee to win his mate. Backed by allies, training, and his own natural talents, the only question is how well he can contrive to fail.

four letter word for intercourse by bendingsignpost, 194.7k, au. dean calls a sex hotline. OH BOY solid characterization excellent plot/premise like bendingsignpost is so good at turning absurd premises into realistic, believable fiction. also sex hotline fic is usually a BIG turn-off bc of the power dynamics/one-sidedness of a relationship based on sex work but. BUT. bendingsignpost does it well! it’s not weird at ALL i started reading and was immediately reassured abt its intentions and its plot direction

As a grease monkey turned college freshman, Dean's constantly three seconds away from being stressed out of his mind. It hardly helps that he's finally figuring out his sexuality in his thirties.

What might help with that stress is a little phone number (and a big credit card bill). If he can't figure out how to be bisexual in person, he can at least give it a go over the phone, right?

(It's probably a bad idea, but he really can't help himself.)

the tunnel of love by xylodemon, 21.4k, post-canon. case fic! dean and cas have to kiss on a loveboat to solve a case >:)

"We might," Cas starts slowly, pausing like he's choosing his words. "We might have to kiss."

Dean just stares at him.

when you have a future. by firebog, 17.6k, post-s8. dean and sam and cas learning to be human post-apocalypse. reminds me of robotmango’s writing! it’s kind of eccentric and very very sweet and funny.

Sam closes Hell. Castiel closes Heaven. The heroes save the day. There's no Heaven or Hell waiting to cause the next big disaster. There's no more end of the world. There's only a squirmy feeling in his chest that feels a lot like freedom. So, now what?

(Things I promise you in this fic: dog poetry, rabbits, and fluff)

six inch heels by alitneroon, 2.3k, canonverse. dean does drag! excellent fucking character study. prose is fantastic

Dean does drag on a whim, and ends up in way over his head.

sharing is caring by gateskeeper, 2.5k, canonverse. five times dean and cas shared something and one time they didn’t. look. sometimes u just need some saccharine tropey fluff. it’s VERY well written

Sam knows that Dean and Cas have shared a lot together, but ever since Cas became human permanently, it seems like they've been sharing a lot more. 

Or: five times Dean and Cas shared something special and one time Dean refused to.

💖 empty spaces by schmerzerling, 60k, au. dean has to take care of his dying father, and takes up running to cope. that’s just the beginning. HEAVY trigger warnings for ED (specifically anorexia) and suicidal thoughts. there is a happy ending, but dean has to fight to make it there. god. okay. this is a dark fic. it’s also one of the most well-characterized fics i’ve ever read. dean’s spiral is excruciatingly accurate and written with the kind of wry compassion that comes from either extensive research or extensive experience. it’s also completely immersed in dean’s perspective - dean’s relationship w his dad, dean’s relationship w food scarcity, etc. it’s incredible. it’s kinda scary. it’s deeply sad. cas is explicitly autistic and it’s ALSO incredibly accurate and loving, and makes cas so true to his canon self. ugh. and i burst into TEARS at some of the accompanying art, which is so sparse and lonely and beautiful. 100/10 experience one of the best fics i’ve read this year

Dean is fine. The way he sees it, things are simple. He had a house and a family and food in his stomach, and now he doesn't. And yeah, that's a downer, but he's not going to let that stop him from being fine, because he's in control of the situation. He definitely doesn't need anyone to save him. And it's not like the weird guy with the nice butt from down the road is the knight-in-shining-armor type, anyway.

broken road by thegeminisage, 109.6k, 14x13 au. dean makes a wish and gets more than he bargained for. a lot of “john comes back” fics are kinda short on nuance, which this author has talked about a lot - and oh MAN does this fic deliver on nuance. john’s abuse is absolutely present, but his pov makes him a complex character instead of a flat caricature for dean to reject. and the way this fic resolves really makes it clear that the priority is dean’s emotional well-being over all else!!! this isn’t about dean taking the path fandom thinks he should take w his abuser (killing john, punching john in the face, etc), this is abt dean coming to terms w his abuse and finding his own emotionally satisfying way of resolving it. also dean and cas are in an established relationship and it’s very slow and sweet.

A 14.13 Lebanon rewrite. When Dean uses a wish-granting pearl to try and kill the archangel Michael before he can escape the cage in Dean's head, they instead wind up with a newly-resurrected John Winchester.

It's been more than a decade since John died, and a lot has changed: Mary is alive, Sam and Dean have what passes for a proper home in the Men of Letters Bunker, and they're living with angels. John doesn't know angels are real, he doesn't know about the fragile new relationship between Dean and Castiel, and most of all, he doesn't know that Dean said yes to Michael, or that Dean's plan to defeat Michael would send him to a fate worse than death.

Now Dean must contend with both his father asking questions he can't answer, and his loved ones learning about the darker truths of his childhood, all while constantly battling the archangel trapped inside him. But Dean coming to terms with his history may be the difference between this being the beginning of a journey—or the end. 

home is not a place by imogenbynight, 6.8k, post-s11. human cas struggles with belonging, and dean struggles with their relationship. this reads a lot like komodobits’ cuckoo and nest, but it’s its own sweet little thing. they watch movies!!! very cute 

In which Dean is the oblivious one for a change.

love: a retrospective by xylodemon, 40.7k, post-s12. dean tries to deal w cas’ absence after s12 and reflects on their relationship thru the years. this was written before s13 aired, so - no spoilers - but jack plays a different role than he ends up playing in canon. it’s kinda fun seeing ppl’s theories pre-s13 tbh. makes me VERY glad that they took jack in the direction they did in show. anyway this is THEE definitive “they’ve been fucking all along” fic

Pretending Cas is just his friend has been the only thing keeping Dean's head on straight for years. He never realized how much doing that depended on him making himself scarce in the morning ─ not until Cas came back and moved into the bunker.

✨💖 if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee, 37k, post-s15 fix-it. cas gets broken out of the empty - and he immediately makes a break for it. new fave fix-it!!!! the writing is so understated and so straightforward - SO in character for cas tbh - that every single emotional beat feels like a PUNCH. and there are so many amazing character moments it made my chest seize the fuck up!!!!! perfect characterization perfect relationship moments perfect cas/jack parenting moments. the yearning over the phone is OFF THE CHARTS and spocklee makes the most of that tension!!!! PLUS old canon characters get to make fun appearances!!!!! i cannot recommend this shit enough

After the Empty, Cas has to spend some time alone. Orpheus tries to convince Eurydice over the phone that it’s okay to turn around now.

✨ before and after breakfast by spocklee, 10.5k, post-canon. dean and sam and cas tackle a monster of the week case with unexpected consequences. perfect pov perfect relationship moments SUCH GOOD TENSION. again this writing style just lets the tension dial up to 1000% every word is meaningful and it makes my chest hurt!!! spocklee SHOULD have blown up during the spn renaissance and i STAND by that

The monster of the week is a ghost who hates meat, alcohol, and feeling yourself. Guess who it is during the commercials.

CLASSICS

isn't it cool how every person has diff fics they consider "classics?" anyway these are required fucking reading. if u've been around these will prob be old news.

💖 asunder by rageprufrock, 23k, au. dean and cas go to sam's wedding. i reread this once a year like a religious ritual.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6)

💖 the girlfriend experience by rageprufrock, 15k, set during s5. dean teaches cas how to be human. mostly the sex part. literally the gold fucking standard of s4-5 era deancas fic and for deancas fic in general, personally

While it's not like Dean hasn't had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.

okay, cupid. by orange_crushed, 4.5k, au. dean tries to sign up for an ok cupid profile and has a revelation. as soon as i put this entry down i realized this entire fic rec was an exercise in futility, because if i could i'd literally just rec everything orange_crushed/robotmango has ever written. still one of THEE best authors in this fandom. go read all her fics. i’ll put the highlights here

"The dating thing?" Dean frowns. "Online dating is for weirdos. Robots. Dudes hanging out in their basements."

"You hang out in your basement."

"I have an air hockey table down there,” Dean says, icily.

💖 pwp: pie without plot by orange_crushed and majorenglishesquire, 82k, post-s8. sam and dean and cas quit hunting for a little bit to open a bakery. this is my comfort fic. i love it so so much.

he is in the kitchen with flour on his hands and an apron and there is flour on his forehead and cas leans across the counter and wipes it off with his thumb and dean says "thank you" and cas says "you’re welcome" very seriously and later dean makes apple turnovers and he only ruins them a little and sam realizes it’s not a real hunt like four days into it and he lets dean stay undercover for like a week and a half or longer maybe way longer because he is such a good everything

💖 la cucina by orange_crushed, 4k, post-s8. dean gets into cooking for a newly human cas. it's so gentle and loving and kind and makes me tear up every time. YES food is a comfort item and expression of love for dean. no i don't want to talk about it

Dean turns around and Castiel is picking through the jars, turning them over carefully to read the labels, totally engrossed. Dean watches him.

"Is there," Dean says, "uh, anything in there you like?" Castiel looks up at him and then back at the apples, sitting in a basket on the counter in their golden skins, ripe and pretty. Castiel smiles up at Dean.

"I don’t know yet," he says.

today, your barista verse by orange_crushed, 13.6k, coffeeshop au. a series of short sweet lovely fics where cas is a barista and dean is a smitten customer. literally the only coffeeshop au i respect

"Is that-"

"My number," says Dean, because he's a fucking champion, he's cool, he's collected, he's Captain Smooth of the USS Smoothtania, that's right. He is definitely not leaning against the counter for moral support. Cas doesn't looked seduced or impressed, though. He does not look like a dude who just met Captain Smooth and wants to ride the loveboat. He looks puzzled.

fata morgana. by orange_crushed, 6.6k, post-s9. dean is the king of hell. bela and cas team up to find him. bela pov. yeah you fucking heard that right BELA POV. BELA AND CAS!!!!!!!!!! makes me lose my mind i love everyone in this stupid desolate fucking hell wasteland.

The endless asphalt and broken road, the empty land and piles of human garbage, the unwanted ends of life, the cracked toys and broken screens and burning cars and gravel. Dean Winchester is the king of hell.

"Oh," says Bela.

That changes certain things.

💖 gran fury. by orange_crushed, 5k, pacific rim au. sam and cas pair up in a last ditch mission to save the world. permanently damaged me at age 15 and i've never recovered. major fucking angst warning.

They sit in silence and Castiel passes him the bottle. There’s not much left to say. Sam takes a gulp and it burns going down, like the cheap shit it is. He holds the bottle up against the light. He can see the Fury through it, distorted like a funhouse mirror. She’s a tomb but Sam loves her. Loves everything that’s left.

"To the end of the world," he says.

"To the end of the world," says Castiel.

💖 shut up (put your money where your mouth is) by kototyph, 24k, au. dean and cas get drunk married in vegas. dean renovates cas' house. this fic is SO MUCH BETTER than i remembered/expected and the entire series is fucking adorable go read it RIGHT now

Dean's done some pretty stupid things, but getting drunk-hitched in Vegas to a colleague he barely knows might just take the cake. His surprise husband, Castiel, is a little weird but likable despite that, and Dean figures they’ll go back to Boston, get a quiet annulment, and go their separate ways. Six weeks later, he’s still married to one of the strangest, most genuine and definitely most dangerously lov-- likable guys he's ever known. Dean doesn't know why or really even how it’s happening, but it’s getting harder and harder to remember that he has divorce papers to file.

not part of the plan by annie d (scaramouche), 338k, arranged marriage au. cas is slated to marry a noble from the winchester house. things spiral out of control. if you’re looking for an extensive well-developed political au, this is fucking it. i love reading about political machinations so this was FASCINATING to me. 

Castiel's spent most of his adult life keeping his head down and staying out of trouble. This is a deliberate choice on his part, because as a cousin of the King, he'd rather stay unimportant and forgotten. This changes abruptly when King Michael decides that he has a better use for Castiel: he is to be wed to a noble member of the neighboring Republic, as part of an agreement between their two nations.

Castiel knows he has to obey, but that doesn't mean he won't rebel in what small ways he can. Unexpectedly, his actions end up having far-reaching consequences.

💖 all things shining by askance and standbyme, 142k, au. sam and dean and cas go on a hunt that's not really a hunt, and against all odds good things happen. it's beautifully written and has scenes that literally make my heart leap out of my chest with joy and awe it's just WONDERFUL it's a wonderful fic. incredible mythology too omg i found that the authors actually created the myth the entire story is based on - like they don’t pull a random one from history, they made one up THEMSELVES. they even self-published it on amazon if ur curious

Something in the world is waking up.

It isn’t long before it’s brought to the attention of the Winchesters and Castiel: miracles are spreading across the country, the paranormal seems to be shrinking back on itself—and it all has something to do with the missing prayer book of a traveling preacher who died over a century ago.

Dean is convinced it’s all the lead-up to another Apocalypse; Sam and Castiel aren’t so sure. Regardless, it sends them out on a less-than-typical road-trip, following the Mississippi and remnants of a very old story that seems increasingly to call to them. And along the way the trio learn much more about themselves—and the consequences and origins of love—than they’d ever have anticipated.

💖 broadway musical by griftings, 12.4k, crack. romcom where cas is supposed to play matchmaker to dean and jo and well. you know. it actually made me cackle out loud when i read it again so you know it's still good. absolutely one of the funniest fics i’ve read

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

the five people you meet in heaven by chevrolangels, 22k, ambiguously canonverse. dean dies and goes to heaven and meets five people from his life. NOT a post-finale fic but still horrifically sad. i remember sobbing hysterically when i first read this so

Heaven is white.

Well. Isn’t that fucking stereotypical.

Dean isn’t really sure how he got here. Or even why he’s here. And hell, for all the times the Winchesters have died, he thinks he ought to know the drill by now. But what he doesn’t know is when most folks go, they find something different.

There’s a system God put in place. That when you’re gone (for good), there are a couple things you gotta do first. There are five people waiting for you.

They are the five people you meet in heaven.

any port in a storm by microcomets, 53k, post-s8. dean and cas go on a haunted cruise for a case. you know what happens next. also the art is by anobviousaside and it's gorgeous

The angels have fallen, leaving Castiel graceless and Dean with, well, more of other people’s problems. When a string of couples goes missing on the east coast, Dean and Cas decide to investigate—and find themselves trapped and hunted on a couples’ counseling cruise. Although battling monsters at sea is dangerous enough, sorting through emotional baggage proves to be far more deadly. (And, in which Cas embarks to find his missing grace and Dean is put out. Not necessarily in that order.)

a turn of the earth by microcomets, 95k, pre-canon au. cas is on the run from the empty and crash lands in dean's life. at one point he punches john in the face. a fucking beautifully written character study of pre-canon dean, honestly.

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

unfinished duet by microcomets, 5.8k, canonverse. sam observes dean and cas throughout the years. i remember this breaking my heart back in 2013!

Sam watches Dean and Cas over the years and notices a few things. (Or, Dean and Cas unscripted.)

💖 ergative/absolutive by glassedplanets, 8k, college au. dean and cas are best friends who meet in an astronomy class. i'm never not thinking about this fic it's so sweet and the friends to lovers is so soft and believable

He really shouldn’t be thinking thoughts like this about his best friend who literally just broke up with his girlfriend, but he knows he’ll blame it on sleepiness in the morning. He always does.

a certain light by flightagain, 24k, au. cas works at the gas n sip. dean is a customer. this author’s writing style is so lonely and heavy but it’s very lovely

Castiel works at the Gas-n-Sip. There are half-price nachos and flickering lights, there are office-workers and werewolves stopping by for snacks. Dean is a frequent customer, and his office might be haunted.

the one thing you can’t lose by majorenglishesquire, 5k, ambiguously canonverse. dean can pull cas around and it’s adorable. character study-ish. very sweet.

You know what I like a lot? The thought that Dean can just tug Cas anywhere at any time and Cas, who can lift tons without effort, who can demolish things with the light of his grace, who has battled and gone to war, has defended and broken, will just let Dean do it.

brother lover by twentysomething, 4k, set during s4/s5. dean’s jealous of sam and cas’ budding relationship. this fic is so tropey but it does it well and it’s funny as fuck

However- and it doesn't happen a lot- they have to invoke 'I saw her first.’

his fucking kids by 8sword, 3k, canonverse au. dean and cas raise claire and emma together. yes, claire novak. yes, emma of 7x13 spice girls fame. this was the first kidfic i read for spn i think. obvs written before jack or claire actually came back into the picture but it was the TEMPLATE of kidfic for me for ages

Jesus, the school should just have a parking spot labeled, “Reserved for the Novak-Winchesters,” because Dean’s getting sick of having to cruise around the parking lot looking for a spot every time he gets a call from the principal about Emma.

💖 what has eight tentacles and isn’t allowed to eat pie? by annie d (scaramouche), 16k, post s8. dean gets turned into an octopus. another fic that was SO MUCH BETTER than i remembered i fucking love when that happens. it isn’t even about dean being an OCTOPUS like NO. NOT EVEN. it’s ACTUALLY about the bunker and building a home and a community and a family and about PHYSICAL COMFORT and you can actually feel the world expanding at the end of this fic like a gusty sigh of relief it’s SO WONDERFUL. kevin is in this fic. ellie is too and i had to look her up but THIS is her!!!! danay garcia u were too hot to stay on this show but i love you and miss u

Dean watched an anime porn about this once, but real life turns out to be way less interesting.

Or, the one where Dean gets turned into an octopus.

💖 a beginner’s guide to communing with the dead by suspiciousflashlight, 77k, canonverse au. dean is a cop who summons a powerful entity to help him solve a cold case. oh my god i can’t believe i didn’t put this on here i love this one so much. the writing bowls me over it’s so confident in its worldbuilding like you’re IMMEDIATELY plunged into dean’s pov (FLAWLESSLY executed throughout the fic btw) and you just learn about the world as you go!! and it’s such a fascinating world!!! i love the magic i love the typical bureaucratic red tape procedures i love normalizing the supernatural. i ESPECIALLY love monsters as normal people in a society. at one point there’s this exchange

“Monsters,” says Cas finally. “Beyond the Wall there are monsters.” “You mean, like, vampires and djinn and stuff?” Cas shakes his head. “Those aren’t monsters, those are just people.”

those lines have stayed with me for years. i think about them every time i rewatch an episode of spn.

Maybe it's the little girl whose disappearance turned into a murder, and whose murder turned into a cold case, and who has now apparently decided to move in with him. Maybe it's the unacceptable hole left in his life when his dumb best friend and partner in (the prevention of) crime decided to go and get himself killed. Maybe it's his brother, whose high-profile career and fantastic girlfriend and first-child-on-the-way are steadily leaving Dean in the dust. Pick one. Pick all of them. The why doesn't matter so much as the what, and the what is this: Dean is pretty sure he's going completely, certifiably insane. Sure, he hasn't started wearing all his clothes inside out, and he still showers on a regular basis (anyways, that's not crazy, just a little eccentric); but there's no getting around the fact that he just threw away his life, his career, and his reputation by dragging out his mom's old necromancy book and summoning a Class A Forbidden Entity to his attic. A cranky one, too. With horrendous bed-head.

dean’s list by almaasi, 3k, canonverse. dean makes a list. short and sweet. i read this so much in 2015 that it literally got engraved into my brain line by line and rereading it caused synapses to fire that havent felt anything in years

Dean writes out a list of men he would go gay for. Sam has a suggestion to make.

💖 the path of fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, post-s8. dean and cas open a charming bed and breakfast in vermont. no, literally. another CLASSIC. i think about the food in this fic all the time...........maple bacon baked french toast......the cinnamon rolls.....it literally sounds so good

After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years.

long nights in cold months by pyrebi, 2.3k, au. dean’s an insomniac and cas works at walmart. i forgot i had this fic ALSO basically memorized. holy shit. pineapple in the fruit aisle.....................anyway it’s short and sweet and the “plot” resolves in such a satisfying way

When you're an insomniac, you get used to the "what the hell are you doing up, man?" look. Dean just hopes the guy who's stocking the shelves will stop giving it to him long enough to help him find some damn pineapple.

incredibly single & ready to mingle by imogenbynight, 3.6k, au. dean and cas meet on facebook. short cute au!!!!!!

Sam uses Facebook like the social media junkie he is. He's befriended literally every person he's ever had a conversation with since he got an account, which means that approximately—Dean checks—eight hours ago, he shared this horrible photo with something in the vicinity of nine hundred people. The caption below the picture reads “incredibly single & ready to mingle ;)” and roughly half of them have liked it.

Dean has never been so embarrassed in his life.

💖 unknown quantities by xylodemon, 8.5k, post-s8. after a post-case tryst, dean has to figure out his and cas’ relationship. human cas fics hold a special place in my heart. funny AND good dean pov AND a misunderstanding that i actually think works!!!!!

No one ever tells Dean anything.

(or: Dean Winchester and the not-relationship crisis of 2014)

[shakespearerants]

DECISION GAME BABEY!! thank you for tagging me @birdylion !

sage green or baby blue love me a good shade of green || moon or stars I have a giant constellation poster over my desk and I know how to use a star & planet locator that should tell you all you need to know. Also I love the moon but. She's just a bit too close to us. Always up in our business. Girl keep a little bit of mystery maybe! We intimately know what all you pimples look like! || paperback or hardback  this is mostly a comfort-wile-reading thing I also appreciate a good hardback || piercings or tattoos I like tattoo aesthetics but I'm too indecisive to get any. PIERCINGS on the other hand...the only thing holding me back is money and my fear of fainting when the needle pushes through || drawing or writing I! HATE! THIS! QUESTION!!! ONLY reason I picked writing is because I've been thinking bout a fic recently || Saturn or Jupiter picked solely bc every time I hear the word Jupiter I think about Fred vom Jupiter. Good Song but it gets annoying after a while || ancient Greece or ancient Egypt they had the more impressive water management system. I said what I said. || Prague or Amsterdam Amsterdam is overrated don't @ me || dark academia or light academia I'm always a slut for dark academia!! || indie aesthetic or cottagecore is there anything better than nature??? Apple orchards???? Wildflowers????? I think the fuck not!!!!!! || stargazing or late night drives coolest non-date date I was ever on (I really don't know how to describe it. Like. It was a date activity only we're friends and it was never intended as one) was when @almostmymoon and I packed the dog and a picknick and drove to the lake at midnight to watch the Pleiades last August. We saw like 25 shooting stars before we drove back home bc we were starting to fall asleep || strawberries or watermelons NO. NO YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CHOOSE. I REFUSE. (also my favourite fruit is figs. Neither strawberries nor watermelon make it to the top 3 but they're EXACTLY on the same tier) || rings or necklaces I have more of them. That's it that's the reason. || extrovert or introvert I....actually quite like people. I just don't really know how to interact with them || dragons or griffins I'm so mad at this thing for making me chose. || ocean or mountains I get altitude sickness AND I'm afraid of heights AND mountains make me claustrophobic. Still love the almromantic aesthetic tho || silver or gold I just look better in it || dawn or dusk dawn is such a good time tho....it's so ephemeral I hope I used that word correctly.... || early bird or night owl I WHISH I was an early bird!!! Unfortunately it takes a lot to get me up before 10am. || cook or bake the last time I tried to bake something I had a literal mental breakdown. Gluten free living not everything it's cracked up to be y'all || dagger or sword EVERY DAGGER IS A SWORD TO ME I'M 155CM. ALSO I LOVE SWORDS EVEN THOUGH REALISTICALLY I WOULD PROBABLY DUAL WIELD TWO LONG DAGGERS IF I EVER HAD TO FIGHT WITH A BLADE. Yes I've thought about this a normal amount thanks for asking.

I am tagging: @bookshelfdreams @evolutionsbedingt @bi-vexual @freizusein and everyone else who wants to do it - do it!!!

[slightlymore]

cute~

- a pride spin-off -

pairing: haechan x mark

other characters: doyoung, jaemin, jungwoo, onew (??? only bc I needed a name 😔)

genre: angst!! smut! fluff!!! one-shot, company!au (you can read this without reading "pride" first but make sure to read at least the little synopsis below, just to have some kind of context for the first part)

warnings: 18+, language, sexual activities, alcohol, drunk characters

words: 14K (oops)

for those who didn’t read pride and don't want to: doyoung and y/n are in love with each other but because of a series of unfortunate events (them being stupid) they can’t be together. doyoung leaves her after college and starts working at haechan’s company while being miserable; the two boys become enemies/friends. everything goes relatively well until one day y/n makes an appearance and starts working there as well. doyoung and y/n finally get (their shit) together and become a couple. haechan is the happy friend witnessing all of that and this is his story

(the photo was meant to be a shitpost but now I kinda like it lmaooo)

The phone rang for the millionth time that morning, a piercing and resounding noise, making Haechan unable to hear his own thoughts. The boy groaned. It was only 10 am yet everyone suddenly needed to speak with him. Haechan would have loved to spend his workday gossiping on the phone. Maybe chit-chatting about everyone. Listening to his colleagues talk about George's new too-expensive-for-his pockets-but-he's-an-idiot car, or the scandalous hairstyle Alex tried out to impress his already-married-and-twenty-years-older flame, or to hear how someone heard from someone else that somebody had sex with someone somewhere. But not that day. Haechan was exhausted, physically, and mentally, head buried between his arms, the white noises of the office almost putting him to sleep. The infernal device stopped ringing for a second and the young man sighed relieved before it rang again soon after. Haechan whined, almost sobbing, while lightly hitting his forehead on the desk. A soft 'what the fuck' made him raise his face with pained eyes squinting from the sudden too much light. "Are you alright?", the same voice asked, his desk neighbour inquiring. "Mind your own business, Owen", Haechan mumbled and finally put one hand on the phone while massaging the base of his nose with the other. "... my name is Onew", the dude whispered offended, but Haechan's little attention was already drifting away. A female voice said something that Haechan couldn't catch but to which he replied with a short "yeah, thanks", having figured out the words "intern" and "acceptance" through her quick mumbling. When he first heard the news during the beginning of the year reunion, Haechan was ecstatic, to say the least. They said he was responsible and could handle taking care of an intern making Haechan's shoulders widen at the compliments. Also, having an innocent soul to bother for a few months? It meant some company and less work for himself. Paradise. But Haechan had already forgotten about the joy he felt before. He had been feeling weird for a while now and he hated it. The previous night he didn't go home after Doyoung and Y/N left the company building. He listened to them talk for an excruciating period while pretending to sleep. It was beautiful, choked voices and raw confessions, and he felt like the third wheel in his own life. When Haechan walked out of his office one day, months before that, with the intention of "grabbing something important from somewhere" (or taking a break while making it pass as work) and heard the loud bang of the neighbour office door, he didn’t think that his life would go spiralling down from that moment on. It took him days. No, it took him weeks, maybe months, before the uncomfortable feeling creeping on him, making his spine shiver and palms sweat could be classified as something real by his brain. As a feeling. Sitting down on his chair, tired fingers tapping away at the keyboard for hours, he would suddenly feel this ungodly urge to get up and go to that office again as if an obscure force possessed him. To do what? To see a pair of angry eyes. Angry and full of pain. They were beautiful: round but also angled, dark but also light, absent as if looking at anything but their surroundings. Looking at something only they could see. That thing, sadly, was never Haechan. The boy tried everything to be seen by them. Being friendly, being funny, being helpful. Then he tried being rude. To his immense joy, the latter worked better, as if those eyes hatched such an enormous amount of anger that they had to spill some onto someone. And Haechan didn’t mind being that someone if it also meant being the object of those eyes’ attention at the same time. Then he realized that he didn’t want to see only the eyes. Something else was fighting for Haechan’s regard. Pink and soft looking, often stretched in a line, sometimes forming a pout. God, Haechan would have done everything to be able to touch those lips even once, even for a second. And he did it during his most feverish dreams. The first time, he woke up panting, ashamed, shaken to the core, the feeling of that soft skin still ghosting his own lips. The second time Haechan raised a trembling hand and touched the place where his subconsciousness created such a realistic scenario. He caressed it slowly, laying in that obscure slumber, silently, afraid to wake up his rational side. The third time he didn’t need to dream. He just imagined, shamelessly. His lips got kissed and his name was pronounced with such lust and desire to leave Haechan panting. So real, as if Doyoung whispered that while being beside Haechan in his room. It took Doyoung a few good weeks to call Haechan by his name in real life. When he finally did it, he wasn't even scolding him. No. From weird conjunction of stars, Haechan didn’t need to do something to gain Doyoung’s attention that day. He was in the photocopying room. One hand was mindlessly using the machines, the other was warmly hugging a mug of coffee. His slowly descending glasses were being pushed back by one of his fingers when a fluttering shadow appeared behind him. Haechan’s hands stopped as if his crawling skin could physically predict the future.   “Haechan”, Doyoung said. Just like that, sweet and soft. And the boy with that name let his coffee mug fall to the ground. Oh. “Haechan!” Doyoung repeated. “What the hell?” Yes. Yes. Haechan. That’s me. That’s my name on your lips. Say it again. “Haechan! You’re doing this on purpose now”. Doyoung stood tall with hands on his hips, looking at the way Haechan was failing to grab his mug, letting it comically slip from his hands, again and again, new coffee stains covering the carpet. I just love how my name sounds in your mouth. I don't want you to stop. Please. “Oops”, Haechan chuckled, the mask he carefully crafted for Doyoung easily slipping on his face, and despite everything, Doyoung rolled his eyes with a little smile himself. “You’re such an idiot”. Oh fuck. That. Haechan almost forgot. The boy could drown in the light that Doyoung’s face emitted when he was smiling. It would dissipate for a split second the darkness lingering around him and it was Haechan’s doing. Haechan did that. It made his little heart buzz every time and soon enough he started to fantasize about a day in which Doyoung would not have that expression line between his eyebrows anymore. And it arrived eventually. Haechan realized everything would go downhill for himself when he got blinded by Doyoung’s soul. He could see it before as well but not this way. Not while the older man's cheeks got red and his pupils were trembling. And Haechan understood soon what that was because a sick person recognizes another sick person easily. Was Haechan like that as well? Were his cheeks flushed and eyes glossy every time he looked at Doyoung? Ah, Doyoung’s soul. He took it out so suddenly and poured it into that girl’s hands. Haechan felt like dying. No. No, wait. It's supposed to go like this. I should be there. I worked so hard. I endured so much. It can’t end like this. This is my story. Isn’t it? And it was, but not the type of story Haechan imagined. In this universe it ended in him being alone, bones cold and empty, looking at Doyoung’s back as he carried his love in his arms. Haechan stayed back there, motionless, no arms holding him. He bit his lips for a little while, looking around the office as if not knowing on which planet he was. Then he crouched down and cried. He was tired. Yeah, he was just tired. It has been a long week and a long day. He was exhausted. That was the reason. Haechan, you're good. Just get a good night sleep. You’ll be fine. Now get up and go home. And he did that. Like a robot. He was alone inside the 4 am metro, blinding, fluorescent lights burning his fatigued eyes. His feet dragged him towards his apartment although he found himself knocking on Jaemin's door instead. Jaemin was a weird guy and Haechan loved him dearly. He just never slept. Every time Haechan called him, he somehow was wide awake doing some random shit. Haechan hoped that he didn't suddenly change his habits because he desperately needed some arms to crash into. And Jaemin opened the door as expected, a popsicle between his lips, eyes wide and bright. Haechan stepped inside and took the snack away, putting his lips on Jaemin's instead, pushing him against the wall, letting the coldness of Jaemin's tongue numb his thoughts. And he let the popsicle fall from his fingers when Jaemin wrapped him between his arms, guiding him towards the bedroom, no questions asked, no romance. I need a distraction right now, Haechan's whole being was screaming and Jaemin was good at reading people. Quickly and effortless, clothes sliding down, Haechan's mind finally lingered in a grey bliss as the only thing he could think of was the way Jaemin rolled his hips into him, sending shots of pleasure through his whole body. But then Haechan's slipped. "Doyoung-", he whimpered then gasped, eyes wide with horror and cheeks reddening. Jaemin didn't care if Haechan called other guys’ names but when Haechan put his palms on his face, chest rising and falling quickly, sobbing desperately, Jaemin stopped and sighed. He let Haechan go and rolled over, wrapping his shaking frame with his arms. "Do you want to talk?" he asked softly. Haechan shook his head, burying it into the other's chest. Jaemin stayed quiet, the only sound in the dark room being Haechan's irregular breaths, his fingers delicately drawing patterns on the other’s skin. "It's going to get better", Jaemin whispered after a while. "You're going to be seen by someone one day, just like you see everyone else”. It was weird how Jaemin always had the perfect thing to say. Though Haechan didn’t believe that, he had no force to argue. He stayed like that for the next hour, in silence, until the sun came out. Then he got up and let Jaemin prepare his breakfast that he barely touched. Haechan then borrowed the other's clothes and said it was fine for him to go to work that morning. You have to be sick to be able to call in sick, Haechan said. Because you’re someone that follows rules and does an honest job, Jaemin commented sarcasting with a raise of the brow. I just need to be busy, Haechan added and left.

Now, heading towards the acceptance, he regretted not staying home, maybe sleeping the whole day. Sleeping would be good but dreaming? He was afraid of that. The squeaking sound of Haechan’s shoes on the main floor tiles was so distressing that Haechan felt like taking them off and throw a tantrum in the middle of all those white collars. Blinking fast he sighed when he saw the new guy, an anonymous-looking young man looking around as if uncomfortable and slightly afraid. Haechan introduced himself in a monotone voice, letting the intern shake his hand then he turned around with a short 'follow me', not giving the other time to do anything else besides tailing his supervisor. Haechan has been babbling about the company for a good five minutes now, walking quickly through the corridors, showing rooms and people. He wasn't doing a very good job because he didn't care. The new guy, weirdly enough, didn't seem disoriented at all and Haechan shrugged internally. "And this is the terrace", the boy finally finished his monologue as they both stepped outside. It was a sunny day but the wind was quite strong, making Haechan close his eyes as his fluffy hair danced around his forehead. "Cute," the guy commented with a soft chuckle. Haechan looked around. Cute? It was kinda cute, he guessed. Too many ugly buildings around though and it wasn't the best-kept terrace. He turned his head to face the intern. "What's cute?" Haechan asked. It was the first word that guy said and Haechan wanted to hear him speak.  The intern was looking at him already instead of the surroundings and Haechan could have sworn that the dude's cheeks were flushed with a pink hue.    "You are", he said shyly, eyes big and twinkling. Haechan could only blink back. Wait. What? Did this guy just call him cute? Cute? "Listen, thanks, but you have to pay me respect. I'm your supervisor", Haechan replied trying hard to keep his voice stable. He wasn't annoyed but he couldn't just giggle, could he? Also, who calls strangers cute? On the workplace? What a weirdo. The guy’s expression shifted at Haechan’s words as if in slow motion. "Oh God, sorry, I don't know what just happened. I apologize. It was inappropriate", the intern babbled and stuttered, cheeks going from pink to red, eyes darting around, not knowing where to look. Haechan has never seen someone that transparent with his feelings before and he could tell that he was very honest. Looking so naive, Haechan fought the urge to roll his eyes at him just to make him feel even more embarrassed. "I can't fire you personally or anything and I'm not your boss, but I can tell people to fire you", Haechan tried to sound cold even if the situation was rather funny. The look the guy gave to Haechan was of pure terror a for a split second Haechan felt almost sorry. But then the dude’s eyes darted to Haechan’s hair, still flying around his forehead. Haechan puffed annoyed and put one hand on top of his head as to stop the motion. The intern’s expression relaxed. "And what are you going to say? That it's because I called you cute?" he asked. His lips were back into a timid smile. Haechan was baffled. "What is so cute about me?", he sniffled, sure that he caught a cold already and switched the hand from his hair to his ear as the wind got even stronger. The intern took the question seriously. "You have curly purple hair-", he started then stopped as if that was enough to explain his comment, "-and well, your cheeks are full and now they're uhm red and it's... very cute. Also, your eyes are big and round and it's very cute-" 

Haechan groaned incredulously. 

"Oh my God! Stop saying cute", he spoke up to make his voice heard over the loud rumble of the wind, before turning on his heels and walking towards the terrace door. The intern’s cheeks turned pink again as he tried hard to not add whatever he wanted to say.

_______

Mark was told that he was somewhat of a dense guy. He disapproved. He just paid attention to what he wanted and disregarded the rest. So, if you asked him to show off the company to you, what tasks he had to do or where the bathroom was, he wouldn't know where to start. But if you asked him to tell you how many moles Haechan Lee the Supervisor had, he could answer in a second. It was weird and Mark wasn't a romantic person at all. But when he saw the guy walking out the elevator, eyebrows furrowed and dark circles underneath a pair of tired and red eyes, Mark felt a tingle in his stomach that he could only describe as love at first sight. Okay. Maybe not love. Crush at first sight? Attraction? Mark didn't know what that was and it made him so confused that he could only look at the guy's back when walking around the company as if it could give him some answers. Haechan, he said while letting Mark shake his hand. Of course. It fit him perfectly. Mark could see it - the sun - underneath his skin. Their fingers parted ways too quickly after shaking hands and Mark felt so paralyzed by the sudden tingle on his skin that he couldn’t fully pay attention. Was he also warm to the touch? Mark desperately wanted to find out. Was it weird? He was being weird. But God, he was so cute. Cute. Very cute. Cute. Cute. So fucking cute. 

This is all Mark’s mind was thinking about and when Mark thought about something he would just say it. Just like that. Cute. Don’t say it now though. Cute. I swear, Mark, shut up, for once. So cute. Please, not now. “Cute”, his tongue slipped. 

Goddammit. 

“What’s cute?” Haechan asked. The view. The view is cute. The view, Mark. Mark, say it. Mark, are you listening? The view. “You are”, Mark said instead and Haechan suddenly turned even cuter. Mark gasped, firstly because of the way Haechan’s cheeks turned red and his eyes round and big, then after a good full second that felt like an eternity, because of embarrassment. Oh shit. Fired. He was about to get fired. "God, sorry, I don't know what just happened. I apologize. It was inappropriate", Mark felt like running away. He woke up that morning with the intent of finally living the life he worked so hard for and there he was instead, calling strangers cute and making everyone uncomfortable for the sole reason of not being able to shut his mouth for once. Haechan looked embarrassed as he was though and that little detail made Mark hope that it wasn’t all over. Then Haechan shut some cold blinds on his own face and Mark knew that Haechan thought he was safe, that Mark wasn’t able to see his feelings underneath all that. It wasn’t an efficient job and Mark wondered if other people needed just that little act to not see Haechan anymore.

_______

"Good morning". Haechan saw the intern’s feet first before hearing his voice, but he didn't raise his face as suddenly something very important and urgent was being shown on the computer screen and he couldn't physically let his eyes fall on the way the guy wore his suit. 

It was terrible. Long legs and strong thighs on display right in front of his desk? Terrible, and he didn’t need any more distractions in the workplace. After the intern left for the day with a soft “see you on Monday”, both tired having spent most of the time walking around the company and explaining boring paperwork, Haechan had not been able to stop thinking about him the whole weekend. No. No, it wasn’t a crush or anything. Haechan was just, what’s the word? baffled, s h o c k e d, appalled. Some random guy called him cute and Haechan acted that way? Blushing timidly? Was he feeling that bad? Was he that sick? Unacceptable. He was Haechan, for fuck’s sake. And Haechan didn’t just blush. He could not slip anymore. "Yeah, hi Mike", he replied lazily, fingers typing something he didn’t really need to write. "It's Mark", the intern replied in a neutral tone. Haechan knew it was Mark. In fact, he also knew his full name. Mark Lee. Born on August 2nd, 1999. Toronto. Moved to Vancouver. Graduated from university a few years ago. Great grades. Interested in music and sports. Plays the guitar. Good boy. Loves animals. Does charity work regularly. Has a normal amount of friends. Doesn't know how to take selfies. No, he was not being weird. He just read his CV. 

Obviously. 

He was his supervisor. He needed to read that. The other info? He Googled him only to make sure that he wasn't a criminal. And the social media research? It was just to check on his personality. 

Obviously. 

What if he posted about illegal shit? He had to check every photo and tagged person. It was part of his job. He was single, even if Haechan didn't search for that in particular. Haechan loved his work a lot and he didn't care that he worked on that until 3 am, scrolling through his phone, drifting to sleep with Mark's selfies impregnated on his lids. It's just that he took his job seriously.  

Okay. Okay. 

It wasn’t the whole truth. Haechan was curious. Who calls you cute all of a sudden? Haechan had to know more. 

"Okay, Matt. What about you go and bring me a coff-", Haechan started but got interrupted by a hand, delicately placing a cup of steamy coffee in front of him. Haechan stared at it as if not understanding what that was then finally raised his eyes to meet Mark's gentle ones. He was smiling. "I stalked your Instagram. Full of food and coffee", Mark explained honestly with a shrug while walking around the desk and sitting down on his chair. They had to share a desk and Mark was as close as to touch elbows. Haechan hated having people so close to him when he didn't want them; especially at that moment, as Mark rested his head on his hand and just stared. 

Yeah, he stared. His eyes were piercing, looking at Haechan as if that’s what normal people do. Scanning him from head to toe, then looking into his eyes as if able to see something there. 

Haechan ignored him and looked away. "Stalking my social media is problematic, Mike". Mark chuckled lightly. "You did the same". Haechan's head snapped. "And why would I do that?”. Mark shrugged. "Close the tabs if you didn't want me to find out," he smiled staring at Haechan's laptop. 

The younger’s eyes suddenly widened and with a quick hand, he closed it in a second, cheeks hot with shame. He opened his mouth to say something to get himself out of that embarrassing situation but Mark thankfully didn't give him any time. 

"What are we doing today, sir?" he asked instead with a sly smile. "We write codes", Haechan replied quietly. "Fun", was Mark's comment. 

And they did that the whole morning, ignoring each other's knees as they sometimes brushed against each other. And they ignored the way their knuckles touched when both reached for their own cup of coffee. And Haechan ignored Mark's cologne while Mark ignored the way the computer lights made Haechan's skin glow. Mark loved programming, he always did, but that morning he thought that it would be nice to not be a programmer, just for a minute, just to be in a well-lit office and see how different Haechan would look under the sun instead.

_______

Haechan stared down at his sandwich, sitting still wrapped and untouched in his lap. Then he looked up at the blue sky and let the white fluffy clouds calm him. 

It happened close to the lunch break. 

"Spaghetti", Mark said suddenly. Onew had left already and in front of their office, everyone was walking the corridor heading out. Haechan was finally getting into the flow of working when Mark's hoarse voice startled him. "It's your favourite food, isn't it?" Mark asked, explaining himself. "Soup. I don't put things I love on my Instagram", Haechan replied. Mark looked pensive. "This is why there's no girlfriend photo there?" he wondered with a timid smile. Huh? What was that? So this is what was happening? This is the reason for the cute? 

Haechan had no force to being hit on, as much as Mark intrigued him. He had zero force and suddenly all the thoughts that Haechan buried away for a few days, came back like a bulldozer. 

Haechan bit his tongue before talking too much. "Maybe the girlfriend doesn't exist", he mumbled before getting up and grabbing his wallet.  

"Wait, are you going away?" Mark got up as well, surprised. "I thought we were going to eat together. I don't know other people-". "Well, I don't want to. Make some new friends", he replied and just walked away. No, he ran away and the first place he thought about was the terrace. It was the only uncontaminated place in the whole company. Doyoung has never been there before. 

And Haechan loved the clouds. He loved the wind moving them around fast. It was mesmerizing and in moments like those, he was able to not think about anything, until he was not Haechan anymore, until he was a cloud himself, floating in the blue sky. 

"Sorry, I didn't know this was your favourite place", a voice startled him for the second time that day. 

Haechan looked at his right where Mark was standing with a plate of food in his hands. He looked like a scared deer, turning around to leave Haechan alone, probably wondering what he did wrong but too anxious to confront Haechan about it.  

"It's alright. You can stay", Haechan spoke softly and resumed his cloud gazing. 

Mark stopped uncertain, standing still for a little while but then he walked towards Haechan and slowly sat down, resting his back on the wall as Haechan did, raising his eyes to watch the sky.

"Pretty", Mark commented and this time he was actually talking about the view. 

Haechan hummed, then after a moment of silence, he apologized. 

Mark began eating his food. "For what?" he asked with his mouth full. They both knew the reason but Haechan still appreciated Mark’s effort to showcase that he wasn’t mad at him. "For telling you that I don't want to eat together. I was being an ass for no reason", Haechan explained. Mark shook his head. "It's alright. I'm sorry if I came off clingy". Haechan huffed. "Funny. Usually, I'm the clingy one". 

Mark swallowed and Haechan looked at him. "I haven't been myself lately. But I promise I'm not an asshole". Mark smiled back kindly. "I know. I can see that". 

Haechan's expression flattered. 

Mark took another bite. "You look very warm. Your name is very appropriate for your personality. You're just… very cute", he added with a shy smile. 

Haechan continued staring at the other, unable to make a single sound. 

The other had a few other bites as if not noticing the way his words made Haechan feel then he finally raised his gaze. 

"Why are you not eating? Are you sick?" Mark inquired eyeing Haechan's sandwich. The boy finally sighed and looked up at the sky again. "Maybe". "Well, you'll get worse if you don't eat", Mark commented and grabbed the sandwich, unwrapping it and putting it into Haechan's hand with force. "I can't believe you're treating your supervisor like this. Calling him cute and forcing him to eat", Haechan stared at the food in his hand before taking a small bite, mostly to make Mark happy. The other shrugged. "You act like no one calls you cute every minute. Also, I am older than you. I can do that”. Haechan rolled his eyes. "I'm still your senior. You don't want to see me get mad. I can guarantee you that". Mark opened his mouth to say something dangerously similar to “cute” but then smiled instead, shaking his head. Haechan forced himself to keep a straight face. "If you say it again…", he warned the other. Mark cleaned his already clean fingers on a napkin then suddenly grabbed Haechan's cheek with two fingers. The boy's eyes got wide and he almost dropped his food, his mouth open in a surprised o. 

Mark smiled even more at his reaction, gulping his last piece of food while gently pinching Haechan's face as if he were a child. Then he let him go and got up, dusting his pants. "I didn't say anything this time", Mark explained innocently. 

Haechan looked up at him, still shocked. 

"I'll see you in the office. Finish your food", Mark told him and left. Haechan could distinctly hear Mark comment "so fucking cute" while he was descending the stairs.

_______

That night Haechan fell into his usual decadent slumber. He was almost fully unconscious, the twilight sleep making space for a depraved and troubled dream. Fingers twitching and muscles quivering, Haechan’s mind transformed his day yearning in darkness. Images of eyes and lips tormented him again. It has always been the same pattern, yet something new derailed the boy’s focus that night. Little details. The roundness of the eyes, the form of the lips, the touch of the fingers, the voice. That voice sounded different and it whispered something Haechan has never dreamt about before. A single word, soft but sensual, repeated again and again in Haechan’s ear. 

That morning, after a very long time, the boy woke up with a new name on his lips.

_______

Mark sometimes thought that everyone was just stupid besides himself. 

Not because of an unhealthy superiority complex or something, but because he couldn’t understand how everyone could be that blind. 

“Oh, Lara, I love your new blazer”, Haechan would say while walking around the company with Mark following suit. Poor Lara would blush and be genuinely happy about the compliment. But Mark could see that Haechan thought it was atrocious. And Adam’s stuttering speech a well. Oh, and Joseph’s wrinkly newborn. 

However, it wasn’t this fake persona Haechan had that made Mark uneasy. It was the one he would wear when talking about himself. Oh, I slept very well last night. No, I don’t need any help. Yes, everything is fine, what do you mean? Smiles and laughs and sarcastic comments. 

Mark wanted to know. He wanted to get closer and dust off the misty layer on Haechan’s eyes. 

Maybe Mark thought too highly of himself. Maybe it was his ego talking. 

I’m going to be the one to help Haechan, that’s the only thing he could think about. 

And lately, during sleepless nights, Mark would beat himself up about it. 

It’s not your business, Mark. You want this to feel a good person. 

Except, he would then frown and hug his pillow tighter, getting annoyed at himself. 

No, I would want it even it wasn’t me to help Haechan out. I just want to see him happy. 

Yeah. This sounds good. 

So he would drift away to sleep, peaceful, knowing that he was selfless. 

Alas, it took very little to Mark to realize that he wasn’t that selfless as he thought. 

Mark raised his eyes when Haechan’s abrupt manners opened the office door with a kick. “Haechan, you look good today”. The other smirked. “I always look good. What do you mean?” As if the literal sun entered the room. Mark was blinded. “Did something good happen?”, he watched Haechan’s hair bounce at his every step, like a little seedling gently moved by the breeze. Haechan’s smile widened as he sat down, rolling around in his seat, pure energy sprinkling from every pore. “So I guess the answer is yes,” Mark found himself smiling as well, although a bitter taste pasted his tongue on the palate as he spoke. “I just remembered how much serotonin a good fuck gives you,” Haechan opened his computer and started working on his tasks, not paying attention to Mark’s face. 

Oh. 

Mark hated it. Oh, he hated it so much. God, he hated it. 

The boy tried hard to not think about Haechan that day, resulting in him thinking about Haechan all day. Don't think about Haechan. Don't think about Haechan. Don't think about his body touched by somebody else. 

It was almost lunchtime when Mark finally broke the silence. “So, now you’re dating someone?” Haechan raised an eyebrow, eyes still too focused on his computer to give his full attention to Mark. “What? No. Why?”, he mumbled distractedly. Mark blinked for a few seconds. Haechan finally processed and laughed. “You’re kinda sweet Mark. I just got dicked down, that’s all”, he got up and stretched his arms up with a whiny yawn. “Come on,” he lightly hit the other’s shoulder, “I think today’s menu is soup”.

______

Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark. 

It was as if Haechan was going crazy. 

It was just a dream. A single dream. 

When did this happen? How was it possible? 

“Fuck, Haechan, you’re-”, Jaemin gulped, his adam apple going up and down inside his stretched out throat just like Haechan’s body moved on top of him. “Yeah?” the directly concerned boy smiled. “-crazy today”, Jaemin concluded. “Who made you this horny?” Haechan bit his lower lip, hating his mind for not leaving that thought out, even if for a single second. “Call me--”, he ignore the other’s question, cheeks violently turning red. Jaemin groaned at the way Haechan sunk deeper on him in the process. “Call you what?”, he asked breathless, fingers tightening around Haechan’s painfully hard length. “Cute”, the boy finally whispered. And Jaemin said it, again and again until that word replaced Mark’s name from Haechan’s head.

_______

That day’s menu was indeed soup which only added to Haechan’s general euphoria. Mark walked one step behind him, troubled by the double sword his feelings formed inside his heart. His eyes were only on the younger’s face and Mark could only sigh every few seconds. 

Oh, I’m falling in love. I’m falling in love. 

Lost in his melodramatic thoughts, Mark didn’t notice when Haechan suddenly stopped.  “Hey, boys. Haechan,” a dude greeted generally before locking eyes with the younger one.  Haechan rolled his eyes and made a step back from where that guy was. The dude’s smile flattered as if annoyed at that obvious showcase of hatred towards him but kept his fake expression on as he looked at Mark instead. “So, I’m organizing this party downtown at the Garages. Do you want to come?”, he asked.  

Mark furrowed his eyebrows and eyed Haechan to see what the deal was about.  

Haechan huffed. “Mark doesn’t like parties and neither do I, Jungwoo. Thank you”, he replied snarkily while making a step to continue walking. 

Jungwoo smirked. “Says the party animal. You never mentioned it to me while I had you on my-”, but Haechan interrupted him, hitting his chest with the back of his hand. 

Jungwoo chuckled with satisfaction. 

“Oh, so the boy doesn’t have to know?” he asked indicating to Mark, faking innocence.”

Mark felt his jaw muscle flinch and a sudden urge to punch that dude in the face made his fists almost tremble. 

“The boy doesn’t like the way you’re making his friend uncomfortable right now”, he spoke with a cold voice not breaking eye contact. “Whatever happened between you before, now Haechan doesn’t want to see you again and certainly he doesn’t want to come to your party”. 

Haechan opened his mouth to say something but Jungwoo's laugh interrupted him. 

“Oh, but he does want to see me again and come to my party. Don’t you, Haechan?” the dude asked. 

“Of course I don’t, Jungwoo. Get fucked”, Haechan replied quickly, eyes rolling in their sockets, feet turning direction and walking away. 

“I bet I will”, Jungwoo shrugged with a little smile, throwing one finger gun at Mark.  “By Haechan”, he whispered with a wink while leaving him alone in the corridor. 

To Mark’s horror, despite those two’s abrasive conversation, he could definitely see that as a silent promise.

So Mark went there as well. 

Why? He didn’t know. He liked to think that he was concerned about Haechan’s safety. 

That Jungwoo guy had some rancid vibes and Mark hated the idea of the two together. Because he was concerned for his safety. 

Not because he was jealous or anything. 

Haechan could do whatever he wanted and sleep with whoever he wanted to, but what if, just what if, Haechan changed his mind and chose Mark over the Jungwoo dude? 

Mark could do that. 

Mark wasn’t self-centred but he still realized that Haechan deserved better and he could provide that. 

If that was Haechan needed to soothe the darkness in his eyes, Mark could do that.

But Haechan wasn’t there and neither was Jungwoo and the thought of that man’s hands on Haechan’s skin made Mark’s guts twirl on themselves. 

He looked around, frantically, breathing the sweat-impregnated air, trying to avoid being hit by people’s sticky shoulders. Until he started to feel sick, not only because of the loud music and blinding lights but also for some obscure reason, grabbing his throat and choking him. 

He had to drown that down.

_______

When Haechan arrived Mark was surrounded by people, eyes closed, face up exposing his neck, laughing and screaming, jumping and moving his body as Haechan has never seen someone do before. 

His legs were nicely on display in a pair of severely ripped black jeans that Haechan had no idea Mark liked to wear. 

The younger boy was so concentrated on the way a plain white T-shirt could look so good on a person that he noticed too late the way Mark directed his eyes towards him. 

He was far away and Haechan couldn’t decipher the other's expression but it didn’t matter as Mark quickly made his way to where the younger boy nervously stood. 

Mark was drunk. A lot. 

But he still somewhat fluidly avoided the crowd as if dancing until getting as close as hovering above Haechan. The boy had never noticed that Mark was taller until he had to raise his face to look up, his back and palms pressed against the wall. He didn’t notice when he walked backwards either. 

“Haechan”, Mark said his name with such worry to make the other’s heart beat like crazy. “Are you okay? Where have you been?”, or that's what Haechan deciphered from his lips since the music was so loud that his ribcage felt about to be ripped apart. “Home. I’ve just arrived”, Haechan yelled and Mark got even closer, giving his ear to the boy’s lips to hear better. 

Haechan couldn’t do anything else besides inhaling his odour. Mark was a little sweaty and his breath smelled of alcohol, but Haechan has never found someone sexier than him at that moment. 

His eyes were dark under his black curls and his lips looked swollen as if someone sucked on them. Haechan felt like prey and unconsciously pressed his body against the wall even harder.

“And where’s Jungwoo?”, Mark’s voice tingled Haechan’s earbuds. “I have no idea. Why would I know?”, Haechan replied, acting as if he didn’t realize why Mark was behaving like that. 

It made Haechan’s palms sweat. 

He thought about that a lot, at the way Mark got defensive of him in front of Jungwoo, at the way Mark’s expression darkened even after Haechan told them that he had no intention to go to the party, at the way Mark has been looking at Haechan a lot, at the way Haechan couldn’t just stop thinking about Mark for a single second either.  

He came to the party because of that. Haechan’s mind was running again and he wanted to stop it. And also because he played with his phone all day, looking at Mark’s number for a long time. 

Mark would have replied but did Haechan really want it? He was such a sweet person and Haechan didn’t dare to contaminate him with his presence. Mark didn’t deserve to be used as Haechan needed. 

So he went to the party, ready to contaminate somebody else instead. Who knew that Mark was there waiting for him? 

“I’ve been thinking about you the whole night”, Mark talked again after staring at Haechan as if trying to understand the younger one’s thoughts. Just like he has been for the past few months, making Haechan feel small and naked. "Yeah, I bet. While letting those people grind on you?" Haechan replied sarcastic trying hard to conceal his shaking voice. 

Mark got closer, bold and cocky, putting his hands on the wall, caging Haechan between his arms, leaning in and whispering into his ear. "Yeah, I was imagining you grinding on me", his confession tickled Haechan’s ear and the boy tried to move his head away on the side, afraid to do something he would regret, but Mark's hand was there and his head had nowhere to go. It wasn't right. 

Haechan was sober while Mark was drunk and had no idea what he was talking about. He had to go away, push him back, but his limbs weren't cooperating. Mark's hand though was working just fine and it gently grabbed Haechan's face, turning it into his direction. 

"Haechan, please, let me kiss you", he begged, his breath caressing Haechan’s lips. 

The boy gulped down surprised, shivering with desire, fighting with himself. He put his hands on Mark's chest, with the intent of lightly pushing him away, but he was made of iron. No, Mark, no, please. You’re too precious to me for this. 

"You don't know what you're talking about", Haechan mumbled. 

Mark breathed heavily. His jaw muscles tightened. Then he put his head down as if trying to gain forces. 

"Yeah, sorry, okay okay, I'm leaving", he retrieved his arms and let them fall to his sides like dead flesh. 

Haechan looked at them with some relief, suddenly feeling exposed and cold, even if the club's air was so hot that it was hard to breathe. Or maybe it was just him having breathing difficulties. Haechan had no idea. 

"No, wait", his lips betrayed him. "Just-", Haechan interrupted himself, eyes squeezed together as if already regretting what he was about to say, unsure, holding Mark's wrist with both hands. Then he opened his eyes again. 

Mark was looking at him his heavy lids. His gaze wandered from his face to his exposed neck, then to his collarbones and chest. Mark was undressing him without touching anything and Haechan felt like going crazy. 

"-just a kiss. Okay? It's going to be a short kiss", Haechan continued, unable to believe he was actually saying that. 

But there was no harm in that. A little kiss. Just a harmless little kiss. Like the ones you'd have in college during stupid games. No one thought about those in the mornings.

But when Mark's lips curved in a little smirk and his body got as close as to press on Haechan's one again, the younger boy knew that it wasn't going to be just a kiss. Not for him at least. And not only he would think about it in the morning. He probably would think about it for a long time. And he was right. It was indeed memorable. Slow and careful but not timid. Mark cupped the other’s face, palm pressed on his jaw, fingers as far as touching his neck and ear, the other grabbing his hips, pulling them against his. Haechan’s head felt light and he couldn't fathom how Mark managed to have so much control when he was about to lose it all. And then it became even worse as Mark slipped his tongue inside of Haechan’s mouth and the younger boy had to tighten his grip around Mark’s torso. He whined into Mark's mouth, making the other hum back, picking up the pace, biting his lower lip and sucking on it, letting his hand fall from Haechan's face to his neck, then chest, then to his stomach, grazing the skin separated by Mark's fingers only by his thin button-down. 

Haechan had to stop him. It was going too far. That was a mistake. They still had to work together. There’s a reason why Haechan avoided talking to the coworkers he fucked before. Mark wasn't realizing that but Haechan did. He had to be responsible. 

Stop him, Haechan. Stop him. 

"Mark, wait", he broke off the kiss when Mark's hands reached his jeans button. The boy looked down at him, panting, eyes half-closed: he was begging Haechan to let him continue. 

Haechan grabbed his shirt and dragged him around the corner, into the shadows. 

"Tomorrow we forget about this, okay?", he warned him, shutting his brain off. "Okay", Mark replied quickly putting his mouth on Haechan's again as if unable to be away from it for too long. And he put his hands on Haechan's jeans again as well, opening the button, letting the zip fall slowly, tucking his hand underneath Haechan's boxers, feeling his soft and hot skin, wrapping his fingers around him tightly, not letting the struggling Haechan to break off the kiss to moan. And he didn't even last too long. The boy came shuddering all over Mark's fist after a few good strokes and the older finally let him press his face into his chest. 

Shit, he had never lasted this little. What the hell.

Haechan was fucking embarrassed and if Mark wouldn't have been too drunk to remember anyway, he would have just run away to hide in that exact moment. 

"Fuck", Mark cursed under his breath, feeling Haechan’s hot release on his skin, nudging at Haechan's temple with his lips while the other came down from his high.   "Oh, fuck, you're so hot like this, Haechan. And cute. Shit, you're so cute, I'm going crazy", he babbled before letting Haechan's cock go and trying to bring his fingers to his lips. "Oh no", Haechan gulped trying to stop him. "Mark, don't. You touched all sort of things in the club with that hand", and Mark stopped for a second as if processing the information before dropping to his knees and tasting Haechan directly. 

The boy opened his mouth in a silent gasp and he was still so aroused that feeling Mark's tongue made him hard again in a second. 

"Fuck", Haechan swore loudly, pressing his fingers into the wall behind him, letting his head fall back, feeling himself grow harder inside Mark's mouth. 

He didn't expect it. He didn't expect any of this. Innocent and soft Mark Lee sucking him off like no one has done before in the dark corner of a club? Haechan the slut coming in two seconds and getting hard again soon after? Past Haechan would have laughed, yet there he was, moaning Mark's name like a mantra, coming for the second time in minutes like a little virgin. 

It was no dream. It was a reality. 

Mark didn't let him go and Haechan felt like flying as his cum descended inside Mark's throat. And then he looked down right in time to catch a glimpse of Mark's eyes, looking up at him, letting his cock out with a lewd plop. "Mark, where did you learn that?", Haechan asked suddenly exhausted. The boy licked his lips and held onto Haechan to get up, shakily. "Was that good? It was my first time doing it", he mumbled with a smile before resting his head on Haechan's shoulder, the cocktail he had right before adding to his brain fog.

_______

Mark woke up to the sound of a heartbeat. It was a comforting sound. Deep and regular. 

He groaned softly as his lids realized they were getting hit by bright and irritating sunlight. Then he opened his eyes slowly, focusing on the windows first, vision blurry, then on the plant underneath it, then on the young man underneath him. 

Mark's muscles got a spasm and woke up completely as his brain finally made sense of what was going on. Meaning that his face was resting on Haechan's chest. Bare chest. And his own torso, bare torso, was wrapped by the boy's arms. 

Oh fuck, he thought. Oh shit. 

"It's too late in the morning to run away", Haechan mumbled, waking up softly as well. 

Mark froze as he was trying to get up. He was propped up on an elbow when Haechan opened his eyes and Mark felt his breath hitch. 

Haechan was there, pillow adorned with his luscious locks lying all around his head like a halo, chocolate eyes warmed by the sun shining through the windows and his skin, God, he looked like an angel. 

"I'm not going away", Mark lied, surprising himself by how deep and hoarse his voice sounded like. "Fuck, you're so cute right now", he whispered soon after, unable to control himself. 

Haechan's eyes got wider at Mark's words. He expected Mark to freak out, and Mark was freaking out inside a lot, but having Haechan like that, underneath him, vulnerable and beautiful as never before, made Mark feel peaceful at the same time. 

This is all he wanted in life. 

The older managed to keep it together for a few other seconds, trying to look confident, but when Haechan's cheeks reddened with blush, Mark lost it and blushed as well, rolling away, grabbing a pillow to hide his face in with a scream. 

"I can't believe it", his voice came out muffled. "Oh my God", he yelled quietly. 

Haechan started to chuckle embarrassed. "What an idiot". 

"How-", Mark removed the pillow enough for one eye to poke out. "How far-", he stuttered. 

Haechan rolled his eyes, faking nonchalance. 

"Just oral", he whispered while getting up and putting his feet on the ground, turning his back to Mark, unable to look at him in the face either. 

"Oh", the other sounded weirdly disappointed. Haechan pinched the base of his nose. That man was sending such mixed messages. "You did dry hump my ass if that makes things better", Haechan spoke through his teeth, embarrassed out of his mind, grabbing the bottle of water he kept on his nightstand. "I'm sorry. You deserve to get fucked properly", Mark replied quietly as if thinking at loud, making Haechan choke on his water and spit it all around the room. 

Mark sat up quickly and placed a hand on Haechan's shoulder. "Are you okay?" 

The choking boy turned around to face him. 

"I thought you'd be all embarrassed about this", he commented while drying his wet lips with the back of his hand. 

"I am!" Mark's eyes got wide and his red ears confirmed it, but it was still not what Haechan expected. 

"I mean", Haechan hesitated, unsure of what words to use, "I thought you'd regret it in the morning. You were really drunk last night and you had no idea what you were doing”. 

Mark's face visibly darkened. 

"Do you regret it?", he asked. 

Haechan went on with his phrase ignoring Mark’s question. "-like I was sober and I was worried that maybe I should have-". 

"Haechan". 

Mark's voice was so deep and serious that Haechan's heart started to beat faster upon hearing him calling his name like that. "Answer me. Do you regret it? Did I- fuck - did I do something wrong?", Mark asked ruffling his hair with one hand. He looked so worried and distressed that Haechan for a second didn't know what to say. 

"No", the younger finally shook his head. "No", he repeated. "I was aware of everything and I made my choice consciously but you-", Haechan hesitated again.  "Me too", Mark spoke up, nodding. "I remember everything until you helped me to get out of the club. After I sucked y-".

"Don't say it", Haechan stopped him with a raised palm. 

Mark chuckled embarrassedly. 

If only Haechan knew how cute he was being in that moment, faking his serious face and steading his voice. Mark would have wanted to see Haechan confess just how weak he was. 

"So you, like, you wanted it? Not because you were just drunk and I happened to be there?", Haechan asked timidly. Haechan couldn't believe he was so shy to talk about sex with someone. It has never happened before. Nothing he did with Mark happened before. 

Mark gulped down. "I wanted it, yeah. I didn't do it because I was drunk. I did it thanks to that. I don't think I would have had the courage otherwise", he explained. "But I'm also sorry. It mustn't be nice to- like--uh, you know, with a drunk person", he stuttered, eyes closing and opening as he thought about the words to use. 

Haechan looked down, shyly. "You were very hot actually", he whispered back, scratching the back of his head. 

"Haechan," Mark finally found his voice after a moment of shocked silence. "I swear to God, I would take you-", but interrupted himself abruptly. 

Haechan looked at him flustered. 

Mark cleared his voice. 

Then he shook his head. 

"No", he chuckled at himself. "Nothing, never mind", he added suddenly getting up, the covers sliding down his naked body. 

Haechan looked at it. He had looked at it the whole night. That night he kissed every inch of that skin and listened to Mark's soft moans. And Haechan realized that it wasn't a hookup. At all. Not for him. But Mark didn't remember that part and Haechan didn't want to tell him. If Haechan had to think about it for the next month, so be it. It was all on him. He let himself go too far and he wasn't talking about the physical aspect. It was all his fault if his heart was aching to see Mark get dressed instead of lying beside him, cuddling, or better, doing what Mark didn't dare to tell him.

_______

"Tomorrow we forget about this, okay?".

Forgetting. 

Mark wanted to forget but he couldn't do it. Not the day after and not on Monday morning, seeing Haechan's pretty lips so close to him and not being able to kiss them. 

Mark lied when Haechan asked him what he remembered. 

Well, not entirely, because he did forget some parts. 

But he was definitely lucid when Haechan went down on him, slowly, after kissing his lips, then his neck, sucking on his skin, then his chest and stomach as Mark wrapped Haechan's hair around his fingers. The boy asked multiple times if Mark was okay with that until Mark had to basically beg to just suck him off already. And God, he was so cute doing it. He would never forget how that felt. Divine. His head was so light as if zero oxygen got to it, every drop of blood concentrated inside of Haechan's warm and wet mouth instead. 

And he was staring at that mouth now, as Haechan explained the work to do for the day. Mark wasn't even that horny. No. He just wanted to hold him again and softly press his lips on Haechan's plump ones. 

"Tomorrow we forget about this". 

Haechan was sober when he said that. He meant it. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't mean it. Right? Should he ask? Haechan, did you forget? Do you want to forget? Because I don't. 

And I can't. 

"Mark", Haechan snapped his fingers in front of him making the boy jolt. "Focus", he ordered. "What are you thinking about?".

You. I'm thinking about you. You. You. I've been thinking about you for days, Haechan. 

"Lunch", Mark shrugged. Haechan rolled his eyes. "What an idiot".

_______

That afternoon Haechan was in a relatively good mood. 

He should have known that the most peaceful days could bring the most terrible storms though. 

So he jolted at the sound of a voice he almost forgot how it sounded like. 

"Haechan, I thought you died or something". 

The boy in question looked up from his computer to see a pair of feline eyes. 

They were bright and amused. Then he saw the lips. Soft and pink stretched in a sweet smile. 

Doyoung was still like a house with all the lights on, but now it wasn’t empty anymore. Now everyone was home. This house was full of people, all happy and content. 

Haechan was so glad. He truly was. This is what he has always wanted to see since first locking eyes with that man. But he also felt suddenly miserable. Miserable and confused. 

His heart shouldn't have skipped a beat like that. Not anymore. 

"I did die and I just got back from hell", he replied, trying to sound as snarky as possible. It wasn't entirely a lie. 

"What about you? You also went missing". Doyoung blushed subtly at the innuendo and Haechan felt the urge to punch the table. Or himself. "I've been busy", Doyoung replied softly. "So you went to paradise instead, I see", Haechan commented with a smile hoping that no one noticed how fake it was.

_______

"A man can't have his alone time in peace. What do you want?", Haechan rolled his eyes while Mark sat down beside him, resting his back on the rooftop wall, looking in front of him at the blue sky. 

It was a sunny day with a slight breeze, enough for Haechan's fringe to wave gently. 

Mark loved it when the wind ruffled Haechan's hair but he couldn't bring himself to look at the younger boy. Not at that moment. 

"I didn't know", Mark whispered. "What?", Haechan's voice came out irritated but he didn't care. 

"That you were in love", Mark added. 

Haechan choked on his breath. 

"I'm not", he crossed his arms on his chest and closed his eyes as if sunbathing. Conversation over, it meant. An angry bronzing session. 

Mark finally looked at him then, feeling safe as he wasn't seen back. He watched the way Haechan’s skin glowed under the warm rays. Mark thought about how it would feel under his fingertips but he wasn’t sure. He touched it before but now he couldn’t remember it. Mark wanted to raise one hand and touch his cheek again, this time fully concentrating on the feeling. He wanted to let it slide down the boy’s jawline, feeling the sharp bone, then on his neck where the angry pulsating artery pumped blood at a crazy speed. Then he wanted to hear Haechan’s soft breath as his hand unbuttoned his shirt, this time feeling his heartbeat. Mark wanted it to be fast and only for him. For Mark. 

It all made sense now. But why does it have to be like that? What should Mark do? What do people do in this scenario? 

Was he thinking about this Doyoung guy? Has Haechan been thinking about other men? The whole time? While Mark was thinking about him? 

Was he imagining kissing that man's lips while Mark's mind was full of Haechan and Haechan only? 

Of course, he would. 

What was Mark thinking? Isn’t this what he accepted? Isn’t this what he decided to adventure in? Why was Mark suddenly so hurt about Haechan behaving as he anticipated him to do? 

We forget about this in the morning and Mark was certain now that Haechan actually did forget. 

"Does he know?", Mark asked after a while. Haechan snorted. "Of course he doesn't". "He doesn't know what?".

The other boy sighed at the trap. 

"Just leave me alone", he ordered. And Mark actually got up and left. 

Haechan's cheeks got wet right when it started to rain.

_______

"Mark, if you have something to say, just say it". 

It's been a few days of Mark not talking but still looking at Haechan as if about to burst in a monologue anytime soon. 

Haechan had been brusque with him before, but it never came to Mark not talking to him. 

The younger boy wasn’t stupid. It was obvious what was going on with Mark but Haechan didn’t have the force to deal with it sooner. 

"I don't have anything to say", Mark replied. "Do you have anything to say?".

Haechan rested his back on the chair and looked at Mark, irritated. 

"Okay, we need to sort this thing out. We can't work like this". "Like this how? We're working just fine", Mark didn't raise his eyes from the computer. "Mark, you've been writing and deleting the same line for a while now", Haechan indicated the screen with his chin. "Well, maybe something is going on with me but it doesn't have anything to do with you, so we don't need to talk about anything", Mark replied finally starting a new line. 

So Mark was able to lie as well, huh?

"Mark", Haechan lowered his voice. "Do you perhaps have feelings for me?", he whispered. 

"What?!" Mark yelled. 

Onew jolted on his seat. 

"Keep your voice down, you dumbass", Haechan put one hand on his thigh. Mark looked down at it then at Haechan's face. 

Haechan retrieved his hand back. 

Mark breathed heavily before talking. 

"It's just--”, he rested his back on the chair as well, “I've never been with someone like that before and I'm so confused right now, like, I don't know if I have feelings for you or just--like, I need closure?", he questioned as if talking to himself. 

Haechan was surprised that Mark told him all that. 

"You mean that you're a virgin?", the younger asked incredulously. "Uhm, I can hear you", Onew said. "Then get your ass up and take a stroll, Owen", Haechan spoke up. 

Mark flinched at his sudden and loud voice. 

Their colleague shook his head as if not believing he was dealing with some weirdos and got out of the office mumbling something about gen z people. 

"I am not a virgin. I meant hookups", Mark explained after a little pause while his cheeks acted like a virgin's. "You said you've never sucked someone before", Haechan raised one eyebrow. "It's alright if you're a virgin, Mark. You just have to tell me and-”, he interrupted himself as if realizing what they actually did, “-fuck, you had to tell me before as well. God, I acted recklessly, I should hav-".

"I am not a virgin! Stop saying that. I've never sucked before because I've been eating pussy, okay?", Mark raised his voice.

Haechan blinked at him. "So you're confused about your sexuality?" 

Mark rolled his eyes defeated. "I know what I like! I'm not confused. Just hear me out!" "You said you were confused just a minute ago", Haechan said. "But not about my sexuality. Because of the hookup!"  "Why are you yelling?", Haechan yelled.  "I'm not yelling!", Mark yelled back.  "You're arguing with me right now". "Because you're not listening! I don't know how I'm feeling about you because I've never slept around before. I-- just--don't like it", Mark stuttered.  "Then why did you sleep with me?", Haechan was exasperated.  Mark whined. "Because I liked you already”.  "So you do like me. You have feelings for me", Haechan raised his hands as if talking with a fool. 

The other shifted in his seat as if uncomfortable. 

"Don't all people like their hookup partners though? Like, would you sleep with someone if they were ugly as fuck? I don't think so. You still need to be attracted to them a little". 

Haechan sighed while massaging his temples. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Didn't you have crushes before? Don't you know what it feels like to be in love?".

Mark groaned tiredly. "I did. And I know. But this is different", he spoke with a softer tone. 

Haechan sighed. "So what? Am I supposed to help you figure that out? If you like me or not?". 

Mark straightened his tie and focused on his computer again as if the conversation was over. 

"Listen, you wanted to hear me talk, so I did". 

The younger boy stared at the other’s fingers as they started to type something, probably useless. 

"Do you even want to like me? Like what's your expectation?". 

Mark’s fingers stopped and he remained silent for a little while. "Well, you like somebody else, so it wouldn't be nice if I had feelings for you, would it?". 

Haechan prolonged the silence a bit. "I'm getting out of it".

Mark turned his head to him. 

That was a lie, Mark could see it. A blatant lie. 

"Do you want me to like you?", he asked. His voice was soft and low. 

Haechan thought about it for a second. He didn’t know what to say. 

Mark sighed, unable to wait like that, and closed his eyes, reclining back on his seat again. 

"I like you, Haechan. Okay? I like you, fuck. I don't care if you like somebody else". 

Haechan’s heart started to beat even faster than before. 

“Was this the problem, then? You were jealous?”, Haechan’s voice came out quieter than he intended. 

Mark opened his eyes and looked down at his hands clasped together. 

He shrugged. 

“You don’t have to worry about me. I just needed to say it. I’m not asking for anything from you”, Mark directed his gaze towards Haechan. 

He looked so serious that it made Haechan’s cheeks get pink again. 

Mark’s eyes trembled imperceptibly at that reaction but he didn’t dare to say anything about it. 

He cleared his voice as Haechan couldn’t bring himself to add anything either and got back to work.

_______

It was very late at night. 

Haechan had no idea what time it was but it was not a time normal people would be awake at. 

He fidgeted under the covers, restless and irritated. He felt hot and his mind wouldn’t let him sleep. 

His hands found his phone after a while, ready to click on Jaemin’s name. But then his thumb slid down and it stopped over Mark instead. 

Haechan stared at the bright screen until he felt his eyes tear up from lack of blinking then just pressed it with a huff. 

Bad person Haechan. You’re a bad person. You’re such a bad person. A mistake. You did a mistake a now you were about to make another one.

“Yes”, Mark’s rough voice interrupted Haechan’s train of thoughts. 

The younger boy opened his mouth to breathe better and he let that monosyllable caress his ears even after the sound already died. 

“Hey”, Haechan whispered, closing his eyes, helping his other senses to get sharper. 

Mark groaned softly and shifted in his bed, probably turning in a more comfortable position. “Haechan”, he said in the same sleepy and deep voice and Haechan had to make an effort to not whimper into the phone. 

Why was Haechan so affected by this boy but at the same time so afraid of him? He shouldn’t have let Mark get so involved. Haechan should have put a wall between them the first time his lips said that first “cute”, then another one when he blatantly saw the way Mark’s eyes couldn’t leave him, then another one that night in the club, and another one when Mark asked him if Haechan wanted to be liked. And now as well. Just end the call. 

But he couldn’t. 

His walls were not strong enough for Mark and Haechan was a bad person. 

He liked it. He liked a lot. Haechan wanted more and more even if he could give back only darkness. 

“I’m sorry I woke you up”, Haechan said after waiting a few seconds to recollect himself. 

Mark hummed as if telling him that it was alright. “Is everything okay?” he asked and Haechan noticed the way Mark was slowly waking up by the growing concern in his voice. “Yeah, yeah, everything is good. I just…”, Haechan hesitated. 

Why did he even call Mark in the first place? Did he need company? Rude. Did he miss him? Gross. He was a bad person, using people when he needed, disregarding their feelings? Yeah. 

“I wanted to speak to someone”, he decided to be honest. 

Mark’s breath got louder for a second as if he laughed lightly. “I’m glad you thought of me, then. Unless you called other people first and no one replied”. 

Haechan smiled, feeling like a teenager talking to his first crush, then stopped, starting to hate himself. “No. You’re the only one I called”, he confessed. 

What was he doing? Bad. Bad Haechan. Bad. 

Mark went silent and Haechan listened to his breath for a while.

“You confuse me so much, Haechan”, Mark’s voice was a whisper and Haechan swallowed nothing, feeling his throat suddenly dry. 

Yeah. It was not fair. Not when Mark told him how he was feeling and Haechan couldn’t do the same. 

“But I’m not complaining”, Mark added before Haechan could apologize and end the call, finally getting to his senses. “I don’t care, Haechan. I like you so much. You can do whatever you want to me”. 

Haechan bit his lower lip. God, he hated himself. 

“Mark-”. “Would you do something for me?”, the boy interrupted him. “Mm? What?”. “Would you-”, Mark stopped, breath suddenly quicker, “-would you-uhm-- shit”, he repeated softly before chuckling, slightly embarrassed. 

Haechan’s skin got goosebumps, wondering if he understood what Mark wanted. His heartbeat started to pump blood at a crazy speed at it all went in a single place. 

So he did what Mark asked, even if he would end up being wrong, only because he wanted it too. He slid a hand under his t-shirt, slowly, until reaching his nipples, and whined into the phone. 

Mark went completely silent for a second. 

Haechan whined again a little louder. 

“Fuck, Haechan”, Mark’s voice trembled. "Are you-- are you touching yourself?”.

Haechan hummed. “My nipples”, he simply replied as he pinched them, playing with himself, feeling his boxers get tighter at every stroke. “Oh fuck”, Mark’s rough voice made Haechan squeeze his eyes together and open his mouth in a silent moan. 

They were both panting. Haechan couldn’t tell if Mark was just lying there and imagining or if he started to shyly let his hand slide south as well. 

“How does it feel?”, Mark inquired with a shaken voice and Haechan realized he still had too much control to be rubbing one out as well. “It feels so good, Mark”, the younger one replied, adding soft swears as his fingers got under the fabric of his boxers, letting the elastic hit his abdomen once, loudly, making sure Mark heard it as well. “Hmm -a-ah”, he wrapped his cock with his hand, pumping it slowly a few times, pressing his thumb on the slit. 

He didn’t need to exaggerate any sound. Knowing that Mark was listening could make Haechan go over the edge alone. 

“Haechan, you make me go so fucking crazy”, Mark’s shaking voice made Haechan bite his lower lip. “You too, Mark”, he confessed in the cloud of sensations. 

Then listened to the way the other boy’s bed sheets irrefutably shifted and the bed creaked and his breath hitched as he started to pleasure himself to the sound of Haechan’s whimpers and the image he had of him.  

They didn’t talk anymore. There was no need to and they weren’t able to either. Not having Mark near him, made Haechan last longer but it was still too quickly than usual so he stopped right before cumming, edging himself until the other whined into his pillow, cursing and calling Haechan’s name.

_______

Haechan avoided Mark the whole day. He told Mark that he had some other work and barely came into the office. 

The older boy would sigh every five minutes, mind racing, making the poor Onew groan. 

“He’s feeling awkward. You guys fucked, it’s normal”. 

Mark turned his head towards him as if awoken from a dream, cheeks blushing violently as soon as he made sense of the other’s words. 

“Also, you’re in love with him. I would avoid someone in love with me as well if I only wanted to fuck them,” Onew added as if talking about the weather. Mark was unable to speak. “He’s afraid to hurt you now”. 

“I told him it was alright, though”, Mark finally whispered, trying hard to suppress the hysterical little chuckle he would get when nervous or talking about embarrassing stuff. 

Onew got up with his empty coffee mug in his hand. 

“Show it. Do something that can make him realize that it’s okay for you to be in this type of relationship”, he added before walking out whistling with not one single worry in the world. 

Mark would have wanted to whistle as well but couldn’t. 

That advice was breaking his heart. 

It was true. Mark said that he was okay, but he was lying. 

Of course, he was not alright. 

He wanted to, oh he wanted so bad to be alright but it was so late. It was already late from the beginning. Mark didn’t want that kind of relationship. He wanted more. 

But Onew was also right. Mark had to do something. If being able to have Haechan like that meant breaking his own heart, Mark was ready to do it. 

And when that night he went to Jungwoo’s monthly party again, he forced his beating heart to stop upon seeing Haechan’s back. 

The young men’s slender figure was curved in a laugh, the pretty sound almost audible to Mark’s far away ears. Then Haechan sipped from the drink in front of him, still amused by the handsome bartender’s joke, and spun around in his chair right in time to see Mark being hit on by a woman. 

Haechan’s lips stopped on the edge of the glass, eyes unable to blink, staring emotionless at the way Mark’s lips curved in a timid smile while his hands weren’t timid at all, firmly grabbing that girl’s hips as she wiggled her ass against Mark’s crotch. 

Haechan turned around, placing the drink on the counter with a slightly shaking hand. 

“Everything alright?”, the bartender asked. 

Haechan didn’t reply and threw his head back, finished his cocktail in one gulp.

_______

It was quite early when the boy left the party. Haechan felt like suffocating in the middle of all those people breathing heavily, clouding his mind. 

Waiting for his taxi outside, ignoring the stares of horny people smoking and grinding against each other by the entrance of the Garages, he got reasonable startled when two hands suddenly wrapped his torso. 

But those were some delicate fingers and Haechan could recognize that cologne in a thousand others. 

Mark rested his face on Haechan’s shoulder and no one said anything for a little while, listening to the deep bass coming out of the club, the yelling and the traffic on the main road just a few blocks away. 

“Sorry if I startled you”, Mark mumbled. 

Haechan bit his lower lip and turned around, expecting a drunk and horny Mark yet again. But the boy’s eyes were wide and awake, his usual staring-as-if-reading-your-soul eyes met Haechan’s ones. 

The younger looked at them for a second then he eyed the bright red hickeys on the other’s neck as well as the slightly unbuttoned shirt. 

“I see you’ve had some fun tonight”, Haechan commented unable to hide his bitter tone. Not that Mark wouldn’t have been able to see through his fake face anyway. 

Mark licked his lips and tugged Haechan’s hips towards him. 

"Is this alright?", his voice was low and sultry, ignoring Haechan’s little jab, caressing his lower back instead. 

Haechan started to pant softly, unsuccessfully trying to take a step back then he gulped down staring at the other’s lips getting each second closer. 

"We can pretend it didn't happen", Mark went on, "just like we've always done, isn’t that right?", and Haechan could have sworn that Mark was a little pissed off. “Fucking at night then pretending we don’t know each other during the day, huh? Isn’t this what you want? I can do that”. 

Mark's fingers reached the hem of Haechan's t-shirt by now, hiking it up slowly, dragging his fingertips on his skin. It was warm, just like Mark had always imagined. A loud cheer mixed with glass shattering made Haechan flinch but Mark shushed him, every second closer until they were breathing each other's air. 

"I really want to take you right now, just like this". 

Mark's whisper made both of their hearts beat like crazy.  The first, not believing he was talking like that, the second, not believing that Mark was telling him that. 

And when Haechan finally closed his eyes, ready to melt into the kiss, Mark's lips ghosted his cheek and neck instead, fingers still drawing little circles on the younger's chest, resting his palm on the beating heart. Then he pulled away. 

“It’s a shame that you’re pushing me away like this”, Mark straightened his back and walked away.

_______

Mark was a weird guy. 

And when Haechan bumped into him inside the local supermarket near his apartment, a large sweatshirt on his frame, boyfriend jeans, ruffled hair, a little stubble, concerned expression behind his golden round glasses, the tip of his tongue out, licking his lips mindlessly, deciding what brand of cereal he wanted, Haechan felt the urge to go there and yell at him that he's in love. 

Haechan never liked the "what are we" question. 

Everyone around him asked that. What are we? Friends. Friends with benefits. Nothing, we're just fucking. Haechan has never adventured there. But now, looking at Mark's profile, his hand finally picking up the cereal pack, Haechan wanted to ask him that question. 

What are we, Mark? 

Because I want us to be something. 

I want to claim you in ways that give other people no place to do the same. 

Not a friend, not a colleague, not a friend with benefits. 

An etiquette that only Haechan could claim. 

Even if Haechan didn’t deserve that. 

Mine. My boyfriend. Mine. Mine. All mine. 

Was that wrong? Probably. 

But Haechan felt no remorse. 

Was that love? Haechan was unsure but he wanted to find out. 

So he walked over. Was Mark there because he hoped to see Haechan? "Oh, Haechan", Mark seemed genuinely surprised when the younger called his name. "What are you doing here?", the boy asked. 

Mark looked around briefly as if suddenly not knowing where he was. "The meat here is higher quality than the supermarket near my apartment", he explained and Haechan could see the way Mark's expression screamed honesty. 

He wasn’t there because of Haechan. Mark might have had a crush on the other but he was slipping away now. 

Come back, Mark. Come back to me. Call me cute again. Touch my skin. Don’t do this. Don’t play with me like this. 

"Haechan", Mark's voice wavered as the boy got suddenly closer. "We're in public". 

Haechan didn’t look away. “You didn’t care about the public last night. You let that slut fuck you in front of everyone then you dared to flirt with me and leave me on the edge like that?”, he confronted him. 

Mark’s little stunt made the younger so mad the day before that he felt like bursting in his pants during the drive home. Cheeks flushed and trembling hand, he didn’t even bother to walk to the bedroom. He closed his eyes and threw his head back to rest against the entrance door as soon as he stepped into his empty apartment. He came and came, again and again, until he felt too sensitive to touch himself anymore. God, he was so mad. 

“Haechan, are you jealous?”, Mark’s eyes relaxed, the cereal pack still between them, the gaze of some elderly ladies not leaving their backs. 

Haechan’s jaw muscles flexed. “Yeah. I am. I am jealous. I am fucking jealous. Okay? I hate it. I hate that you sleep with other people. You’re mine and mine only”, Haechan spat out quickly before he could regret saying it. 

He was panting and he didn’t even have to look at himself to know that he was all red. 

Mark’s breath hitched in a startled laugh. 

“And I hate that you have all of this control over me. I was done, okay? I was done with feelings and here you are, doing all of this bullshit to me. Your little game worked. Are you happy?”. 

Getting out of the apartment that late morning, Mark didn’t anticipate getting a confession from Haechan in the cereal aisle while said person looked up at him with furrowed eyebrows, doe eyes and a trembling lower lip. 

God, he was so cute, Mark wanted to grab his face and kiss him. 

“You saw my game and played by my rules?”, Mark asked impressed. 

“You didn’t even give me time to play at all! I got defeated before starting”, the other admitted frustrated. 

Mark chuckled. “Why are you getting mad at me, Haechan? You ignored me in the first place, sleeping with other people.” 

The boy huffed exasperated and walked away, bumping Mark in the shoulder, making the other pirouette and grab him by the forearm. 

“I was joking. Come on”, he cooed. “This is what I’ve always wanted”. 

Haechan put his tongue inside his cheek, annoyed. “What? Me making a fool out of myself?”

“Showing yourself to me”, Mark replied kindly. 

Haechan rolled his eyes, still using his faking-nonchalance-to-not-show-his-feelings technique, but Mark was already immune to that. In fact, he has been immune to that from the start. 

Haechan loved it. 

Haechan loved it so much that he got scared. It was too good to be true.

________

It was pouring heavily when they got out of the supermarket. Haechan had his apartment windows open and they could smell the scent of rain, clean and refreshing. 

It was cold but Mark's body heated the boy in a second, groceries fallen on the floor, wrapping his arms around the other’s frame. 

They did not kiss and Haechan was quite surprised but he didn't say anything, hiding his face the crook of Mark's neck instead, inhaling all of his favourite scents at the same time. 

"I called you upstairs for a different reason," Haechan mumbled, surprised at the sudden softness, the sound of his voice muffled by the other's slightly damp sweatshirt. 

"I know," Mark whispered against his temple. 

He placed a delicate kiss there, then another one slightly below, then another one, drawing a line until reaching the jaw. Haechan raised his face and Mark kissed the corner of his lips, then the other cheek, and jaw again, and the other temple. 

Haechan closed his eyes with a little smile as if giving up. 

Mark, what are you doing?".

"I want you to think", the other replied, lips still busy. Haechan scoffed. "I want to stop thinking". "I want you to think about me". 

His lips reached Haechan's forehead and stayed there for a little. 

The only sound was the rain and Haechan's quick heart. 

"I already think about you a lot", Haechan confessed, face close to Mark's collarbones. 

"And why do you want to stop?" the other murmured. 

His voice was so relaxing and calming that Haechan for a second forgot why was he trying to not think about Mark in the first place. Why was he pushing him away? Why has he been pushing him away all of that time?

Then he remembered when Mark's hands slid down Haechan's back. 

"Because I'm a bad person". Mark sighed as if he expected that but still wanted to hear the other say it. "You're not a good judge". Haechan tsk-ed. "Well, thanks, I guess." "I am the one who has to decide if you're a bad person or not, and I say that you're not." "You're blinded by love”. 

Mark hugged Haechan even tighter. 

"Yeah, I am, so Haechan, please, let me love you", his tone darkened suddenly. "Stop pushing me away. I can handle anything". 

"I'm going to fuck up", Haechan shook his head. 

"You won't and if you do, I still want to take my chances. What if I fuck up before you do?" 

Haechan laughed, resting his chin on Mark's chest, rising his face to look at the boy in the eyes. "Mark, you're a saint".

The saint’s eyes were those of a sinner though when he pressed his thumb on Haechan’s plump, lower lip. 

"Have you ever made love to someone before?", he asked with a deep voice. 

Haechan's eyes widened with amusement. "Are you joking? I’m a hoe.” 

Mark hummed. "No. I said, love. Have you? Because I haven't either and I desperately want to make love to you right now". 

And Mark was right. 

Haechan had never made love with someone before and he realized it as soon as the other's hands cupped his cheeks, kissing his lips softly, pushing him back towards the bed, making him sit on it, letting Haechan watch as Mark elegantly took away his sweatshirt first then the shirt underneath it. 

Haechan blinked, emotions he has never felt before invading his whole body as Mark pushed him down with a gentle touch, kissing his stomach and going up, taking Haechan's top with him, letting the cold air caress his skin making it all shiver. It would have shivered anyways, goosebumps forming at every feathery touch of Mark's lips. They took away all of the remaining clothes, touching each other slowly, curiously, exploring everything, with fingertips and lips and tongues. Attentive, remembering which stroke made the other whine louder, what kind of whisper pleased the ears more, what pet name made the other blush. 

It was still raining hard, but they weren't cold, tightly wrapped in each other arms, the heavy covers to hide their secret whispers from the world. They were hidden in giggles and heavy breaths, "here?", "yeah", "like this?", "hmm", and Haechan felt so present. He was there, at that moment and he was seen. Mark was looking at him, really looking and Haechan didn't have to do anything to make it happen. There was no reason to put on an act. He just had to be himself. Vulnerable and- "cute," Mark whispered, chests rising, short breaths, his thumb caressing Haechan's red cheeks. 

"Say it again", Haechan smiled. 

Mark imitated him, his lips murmuring the word until they didn't have to, the feeling of it lingering in the air by itself.

[qhazomb]

I keep pinballing between monster Gordon designs in my head, and the most common contenders have been and owlbeast form like from The Owl House (bc him fluffy), that one humanoid design where his hair is super long and floaty and full of eyes, or a spiky dragon with near geometric scale spikes (bc the irony that his monster form is all sharp and pointy but his human form and personality are so soft and cuddly)

Bubby is usually the fire type of the group, so i always imagine monster Gordon with magma or plasma? Plasma maybe better, fits a celestial theme.

ooooh, that’s neat! i like the idea of monster gordon with plasma and lightning powers might have to incorporate that with the one i’m picturing. imagine electricity arching between his mane tendrils and whiskers and stuff, which signifies that something is about to get plasma breath’d also OOPS THIS PROMPTED ME TO SHARE A LOT OF THOUGHTS SO THIS GOT LONG, putting the rest under a read more ha ha

another thing about the monster gordon au i’ve been thinking about is that he’s not a straight-up cosmic entity like i picture benrey being, but more of just an alien from another dimension, like the critters from xen (he’s not from xen, though. whole ‘nother place entirely!) in this au, i still have gordon and benrey having known eachother as children, only this time gordon was the lil monster kid living in the woods, of course. and also, kid benrey actually saw his monster friend get carted off by black mesa! he saw the company’s logo on a vehicle or equipment or something, and never forgot it. benrey and his folks move to new mexico when he’s like, 13, and ends up befriending their new neighbor- a twenty-something guy named tommy. eventually, benrey learns that tommy’s working for this lab called black mesa, and when he sees the place’s logo he’s just !!!!!! and immediately decides he needs to try and get in that place. he doesn’t know shit or fuck about science, so trying to get a scientist job there is out. but maybe they’re hiring for like, a janitorial or security position? he’s pretty fit, and knows how to mop a floor and shoot a gun. so he goes for that. gordon still completely forgets his human childhood friend, though, awww. though that might be partially blamed on some of the experiments conducted on him. speaking of his time as a research specimen, he actually had it a tiny bit better than benrey did. didn’t take until he was in his teens before a much more caring scientist showed up to make sure he had good mental, emotional, and physical enrichment. and instead of that scientist being tommy, like for benrey... for gordon, it’s coomer. dad coomer momence :) they find gordon much more willing to cooperate after he imprints on coomer, too. and also take note of how active his curiosity is, with the alien asking so many questions and looking for so many answers for about how things work, especially when he hits his teens. somewhere along the line, some ‘mesa higher ups decide to let this xenoguy indulge his apparently scientific mind, and give him a job (he’s still required to check in for tests on himself, and not allowed to leave the facility, though). even tho he’s not an eldritch horror, he’s still got shape-shifting powers, and takes on a human form, both because all the spaces he’d work in were made with humans in mind, and to reduce the number of weird looks from literally everyone outside of sector E. and because he looked human, benrey didn’t recognize gordon at all, but also couldn’t shake this weird vibe he was getting from him. vibe increases after he sees this guy heading to do a dangerous test without one of the fancy hazard suits (being near-indestructable, he doesn’t need one). just before they get to where the test chamber is, and benrey asks him again why he doesn’t have a HEV suit if he’s really supposed to be here, gordon yells “BECAUSE I’M NOT FUCKING HUMAN, OKAY?? Now will you PLEASE let me go do my fucking job, I’m running so god damn late, christ...” the “not human” part is emphasized by gordon briefly showing a glimpse of his true form. which benrey instantly recognizes. ...aaaand then feels bad about the “i need to make sure you’re nice or not, everybody here’s afraid of you” thing. in this case, some of the other employees in sector C were afraid of gordon, as they knew what he was. benrey was a new hire and didn’t (obviously) and didn’t get why some of the scientists and guards were acting nervous around this seemingly friendly (if short-tempered) guy. but now he does. as well as why gordon looked a little self-conscious about it when benrey brought it up. whoops. even though monster!gordon doesn’t wear a HEV suit, he still has trackers that the military use to hunt the science team down. the trackers are just, y’know, in him. and unfortunately, nobody on the team knows exactly where they were stuck in him, and he doesn’t wanna just go clawing himself open everywhere to find the damn things. so the betrayal still happens, though benrey is def not feeling it as much, cause like, he JUST found his old alien friend and was gonna bust him out!! which obviously he can’t do if the fuckin’ military gets a hold of him. but then, he also can’t bust gordon out if he himself gets killed by the military... so turning gordon in is the lesser of two evils. turn him in now, and then try to free him again later. that’s the plan. of course, the bootboys ambushing gordon aren’t at all prepared. they weren’t properly informed on everything about gordon, and for about this whole time, gordon’s been taking on a human form. said form being considerably smaller than his true one. gordon does not black out and get tossed in (the wrong part of) a trash compactor. he does still get pissed at bubby and benrey, though. but this time, he forgives benrey first, as the guy gets way, WAY more emotional over this all than gordon’s ever seen from him. showing off a ton of genuine guilt and regret over it, and also explains why he did it right away (even tho gordon’s still convinced he and benrey never met until the test). bubby mostly just seems scared shitless, oops. but gordo does forgive him before it’s all said and done. they still run into coomer clones and less-than-stable bubby prototypes (which are now just clones as well because reasons). bubby’s not a genetically engineered perfect organism, but a regular/realistic ‘test-tube baby.’ he’s still got a bionic heart, though. coomer’s still a cyborg, too, but not really a super-powered one. his robotic limbs are just advanced in that they’re as dexterous as his old natural limbs, and have artificial touch receptors. they’re also made out of materials that are sturdy as all fuck. they’re just a couple of dudes, as far as physical abilities go. their clones, however? still very fucked up. possibly a little bit more fucked up. this au is also another “not a game” one, and there’s a different reason for why coomer’s clones seem to have a weird connection with gordon/gordon’s brain. bubby’s do, too. those clones aren’t just clones, but also results of genetic splicing experiments. i’ll let you guess where the other non-coomer/bubby genes that were spliced in came from. go on. guess. i haven’t thought about what happens when they get to xen too much. probably just that they fight the nihilanth, since i headcanon that it was indeed still the cause of the xen portals, but benrey ate it to steal its sick boss arena. gordon however wouldn’t do that, as he doesn’t get pissed at any of the team to, y’know, wanna go final boss on them. still gotta be the big hero man (even when he’s not technically a ‘man’). after they get back from xen, tommy prob manages to convince his dad to convince his employers to NOT lock gordon up in a lab again, as it would both mean a lot to his best friend benrey (who is like a little brother to him), and because he’s become fast friends with gordon himself and thus cares about him. i’m also trying to decide if i still want mr. coolatta to be an eldritch being or make him human, too. kinda leaning towards letting him stay non-human, though this time tommy doesn’t have any of the ‘buffs’ i say his adoptive dad gives him in my other not-a-game aus. aaaand that’s all the thoughts i’ve had on this thus far!

[omegawolverine]

AAAAHHH pojahfpriahfpoaihphgfoirphegp- did you watch the finale?? it's just- ahfiheoitgou- opinions and theories? - 🐝✨

okay, sorry for the long wait, i wasnt ignoring u I just didnt watch it when it was live bc I had a headache. I just watched it tho soooo. thoughts time :)

I liked it! it was the sexy lil angst with a happy ending that I needed and it will def feed my dumb heart for at least the next week, if not longer.

I'm gonna just be honest and say I've missed most of the streams for this season and really only kept up because of people posting recaps, so this definetly does not have the same impact on me as a finale as it would if I had full context and a proper attachment to the season like I did with the first, unfortunately. that being said, I still enjoyed it, I thought it felt relieving and like a well deserved ending for a good portion of the characters (not all tho). I found myself being more curious/intrigued by some of the smaller bits of the finale tho, like everything going on with wilbur and schlatt and them getting revived and I'm really excited to see where all that shit goes.

I dont really have any big theories for the next season and I dont really know how anyone could at this point bc I really have No Fucking Clue where this is going, but I hope they touch upon dream and his just entire lack of attachment more next season. bc like. it makes me wanna sympathize with him, to a certain degree. hearing that he cut all his attachments essentially so nobody could get to him (even if it was just so he could gain power) may have hit a little close to home for me and I really wanna get more of an explanation for that shit. like idk it just sounded less like "I did this so I could gain power" and moreso "I did this to so nobody could touch me, so I couldnt be weak" which is interesting and could have a sick backstory lol. that's jus me tho :>

(clarifcation: I dont actually sympathize with him and I absolutely refuse to because not only is c!dream a terrible person but the acting cc!dream does is so realistic that it makes me uncomfortable as hell and I genuinely cant watch it sometimes. I just think that if his character had some sort of reasoning for being an absolute bag of dicks, that would be cool. some backstory on why he wants power, why he cant be weak or even just normal that isnt just "he wants power")

anyways.

highlights: wilbur and tommy bickering and then wilbur saying he's proud of tommy, the implication that tommy succeeding was wilburs unfinished business, tommy aggressively defending tubbo to no fucking end, tubbo and tommy making fun of each others accents on the way to meet dream, eret and clingy duo being on good terms (?), sapnaps "step away from them", TUBBOS CAUGHT IN 4K (which I said literally 2 seconds before him), quackitys naked ass surrounded by everyone in full fucking armor ready to drag green mans ass to prison, Tommy's "put your armor in the hole" followed by 2 canon kills, "dream in a box, what will he do? absolutely nothing.", "SUCK IT GREEN BOOOOOOI", also ranboo just. just existing.

lowlights: dreams constant belittling of tubbo where he tells him he's just a pawn and that he's basically expendable, dream continuing to try and manipulate tommy after essentially bragging about manipulating both him and tubbo TO THEIR FACES like 10 minutes beforehand, dreams whiny lil "you've punished me enough" (bitch I'll fucking kill you, I'll gut you like a goddamn fish, I will literally fucking rip your skeleton from your stupid fucking green block body), DREAM BRIBING TOMMY WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF BRINGING BACK HIS DEAD BROTHER??? THE FUCKING CUNT.

um anyways. that's that, hope this makes sense wooooo

[daniellesimagines]

❀❀ a list of lines from every single work-in-progress to be linked later when i actually post them just bc i’m bored ❀❀

ashton irwin

And I get that it may seem obviously to other people, but... I’m not watching this on TV and you’re not here and I don’t know what people are saying about me being my back

If she’s not back by sunset, I’m leaving camp to look for her. And if something happened to her, you’re dead

I don’t care about what everyone else will say -- I care about you and your safety, so you can either stay with me at my place until everything with him is sorted out or I can sleep on your couch, but I am not leaving you alone

She deserves better than that, Ashton! She deserves better than you!

I’m a burden on everybody! That’s why I’m here -- that’s why they threw me in a mental hospital and left!

Nothing ever means anything to you anyway

She’s still my ex! Just because she ‘needed help’ doesn’t make it less weird!

Remember how you said if I needed anything, you’d do it...? C-Can I just have a hug?

You fucking heard me. Stop the fucking car

I’m not dating your ex. I asked her out if that’s what you mean

Maybe you could argue that ‘just friends’ do that too, but it’s not ‘just friends’ when Ashton does it for you

I just... I can’t...handle losing someone right after I almost lost you

Are you tall enough to ride the merry-go-round at the fair by yourself?

I’m all for taking credit for my work, but I’m not taking credit for this because 1) I didn’t do it, and 2) it’s sloppy as hell

She clearly needs someone right now and unfortunately for me, she chose you

I’ve heard your friends talking... I know no one thinks he’s still alive

I may be desperate for money, but I’m not selling my body for some rich, entitled frat guys to jack off to!

If you want to be embarrassed, that’s fine, but I’m not going to stand here and listen to you berate yourself like this

Those spirits at the prison we investigated a couple weeks ago really liked you

awsten knight

What could possibly be so hard for her?! She’s a Princess, for Christ’s sake!

Can’t imagine keeping everything bottled up is any easier than letting someone in

calum hood

I know you don’t like her, but telling her she’s not allowed to hug me around you is fucking ridiculous

Do you make it a habit to spy on people or am I just today’s lucky winner?

You can’t lie just to get me there -- I would have gone anyway

I’m not lying to Calum; I’m just not telling him how I feel

You know how you said I should be falling in love instead of living in that house...? I’m glad it’s gonna be with you

How am I meant to have fun with him around?

You wouldn’t do the things you do if you really loved me

When you’re not here, it’s easier to pretend you still love me

I have a question -- why is that guy looking at his corn dog like that?

Please don’t make me say it again -- the first time was embarrassing enough

If he knew he was going to meet you, he never would have told her those things

I can guarantee you that baby’s not his

I never stopped wanting you either

He wouldn’t have dumped me if he was still in love with me

If you were getting tired of me, you could have just said so

Always knew I’d cry if I met you guys -- just didn’t think this would be the reason

I can’t just not pay you for watching my dog for 5 months

Will you at least let me know what it’s like to kiss you?

Do you know how weird it is to have feelings for your boss?

If they want nothing to do with you, then I want nothing to do with them

Secrets don’t stay that way forever; They all have to come out eventually

He keeps asking if he can call you Mummy

It’s heartbreaking in all the right places

I told you getting the blonde put into your hair was a bad idea

cody carson

The day you get something different from Starbucks is the day I let Pistol sleep in your bedroom

At least I’ve never lied when I told you I love you

Wait, someone tried to kidnap that little girl on your lap?

dacre montgomery

My worst nightmare is disappointing Steve Irwin

damien haas

Am I even on this show right now? Is this all just some freakishly realistic dream?

harry styles

Would you have apologized if your daughter hadn’t made you?

Daddy doesn’t love me anymore

Since when are you afraid of getting rejected? 

jamie follese

I can’t help when I disappear! The cake batter calls to me and I must answer her!

He asks if I love you all the time even though I always say yes

I think I could talk my way out of jail

louis tomlinson

Nothing’s ever scared me more than the thought of losing you

luke hemmings

If I’m feeling this bad about meeting his friends, I don’t know what I’m gonna do when he wants to tell the fans

We’re only here for a few days; You’re just going to have to deal with sharing a bed until we leave

We made a bet on which one of you would confess your feelings first

Even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear, he still needed to

She closes the store alone tonight -- you didn’t hear it from me

How many strings did my husband have to pull for this?

She doesn’t even want him! She’s only with him because she knows I do!

You know I don’t like when you do this to yourself

I got my ass handed to me by an 11-year-old and her Pokemon master of an aunt

I have nightmares almost every night, but I only come in here when they’re about you

She’s a hostage in a bank robbery! Of course I care about her being in there!

You’re by yourself in the stables at 11pm with tears on your face. Don’t tell me nothing’s wrong

Don’t be mad just because your siblings love me more than they love you

You know that means nothing to me! Stop bragging about having colors!

Even I’m not heartless enough to leave you without a dance partner

marshall traver

Nobody is alone -- not even in this world

You’re only apologizing because I’m the Princess; You wouldn’t be if I were a nobody

maxx danziger

I told him you hate water; I told him and he decided to try and throw you in anyway

Too used to blowing me off on the phone, you forgot how to talk to me in person?

I think they deserve a teacher who wants to see them succeed

If she’s still wearing her ring, she’s clearly not ready to date other people

You’re staying even though my dad’s an idiot, right?

We’re gonna circle back to the fetish thing later because I don’t believe you don’t have one for a second

michael clifford

Wouldn’t want you to stay longer than you have to just because of me

If you never say ‘I love you’ back to me, that’s completely okay

You’ve been crying, kitten; I can tell

Is there any point when you’re not going to be useless to us?

You fired her because you’re in love with her?!

What can I say? His parents are raising him right

Don’t even think about touching my brother again

Hit me like you mean it

Last day of camp -- won’t be able to do this until next summer

I know you paid my rent

Nothing would piss off that asshole more than getting the girl he wants

Since when would he jump at the chance to defend me?

I know you’ve seen how different he is with me now

The first thing I heard when I woke up was ‘I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things’ and I did 

Unlike the girls you sleep with, I actually like being with a guy who can make me cum

It can’t possibly get worse than the hell you’re living right now

I love Michael... Oh my God... Ashton, I’m in love with Michael

Please bless us with this work of art

The only good thing about this tie is that it’s blocking some of the brightness from how pale you are

Why do you even have this song on cassette in the first place?!

She’s safe -- that’s all I’m allowed to say

How did two 11-year-olds manage to pull off the biggest switch ever?

You know they’re not going to let you marry me

I’m not a stranger to staying with people who treat me poorly

If I can handle you, I think I’m prepared for pretty much anything

You make Mumma forget about him and be happy and I like when Mumma’s happy

You said you weren’t going to let go of me

Can you write a song telling your soulmate to be less depressing? It’s really starting to worry me

I’m not stupid; I’ve seen your face -- I know I’m not getting out of this alive

I can either push past you or you can let me go, but I am going to go kiss my wife whether I have your permission or not

Not the worst injury I’ve ever had and definitely won’t be the last

This is not who I expected to be kissing when I put this dress on

ryan follese

Best of luck with your engagement to the Princess

I can’t put myself in a relationship I know won’t last

spencer reid

I didn’t marry a profiler, Spencer! I married you!

Any of us would have gone in to save your daughter -- it just happened to be me this time

tom holland

I know you love me, Tom -- I know you do... But it hurts that you don’t want other people to know it too...

trevor collins

I kinda wanted to wait and see if you were actually real before I said anything...

You may not be irreplaceable to the company, but you’re irreplaceable to me

I know you’re not sick; I know you just said it because you wanted to leave work early

zach dewall

I told you they were gonna be angry when they said it...

[starrysamu]

exposed

DID I HEAR WE WERE EXPOSING OURSELVES

ok so when from the ages of about 11-20 I was very overweight. at 20 years old I lost 70lbs and suddenly was the focus of a lot of male attention that I didn’t know how to handle because I had never gotten it before. it made me extremely uncomfortable bc the first two times I had been asked out on a date were both jokes so none of it ever felt genuine and I never felt like I deserved it. 

fast forward 2 years and I get a waitressing job at an upscale restaurant. on my first day I really hit it off with this one guy and we started talking- he wasn’t necessarily cute but he was tall and super smart and we had a lot of similar interests and things in common. I fell into the trap of “he’s paying attention to me so that must means he likes me.” we’re hooking up within the first 3 weeks of me working there. at that point in time I thought sex was more emotionally meaningful than he did, so I caught extreme feelings and he was mostly ambivalent to me romantically but we got along and he liked to fuck me so he kept spending time with me. 

anyway so after maybe ~4 weeks of us hooking up and texting every day, we hook up one night and then the NEXT DAY at work he announces an official relationship with one of the hostesses at the restaurant we both were working at. I wasn’t working that day and he hit me up that night that he announced his relationship to get his dick wet one last time. I go into work the following day and find out that he’s dating the head hostess (they’re still together but I’ve heard they’re unhappy and I won’t lie and say that it’s not a little satisfying in a very, very petty way) and it was soul crushing. 

sure, I shouldn’t have gotten so invested emotionally and I should have known better than to think that just because we were sleeping together that he actually gave a fuck about me but I was devastated. it was the first time that I had ever really felt like I had a man’s genuine attention and it backfired spectacularly. 

I ended up working there another 18 months and then started working at a bar downtown. unfortunately, the staff from that restaurant frequents the bar I work at so I sometimes see him. 

I haven’t let myself be vulnerable since. I’ve been asked out a few times by guys who are perfectly nice that I get along with who have good jobs and a degree and everything. They’re wonderful! but I’ve just become super emotionally unavailable due to that coworker incident as well as some other unrelated factors. 

The two times I caught feelings in middle school ended up being jokes on the guys’ parts and the one time I did it as a young adult ended in disaster.

At this point I don’t think it’s worth it. 

Guess I’m in for one night stands and fuck-buddies forever. It be like that.

anyway the take-away advice here is DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR COWORKERS. it’s so tempting because you’re around each other all the time and you often see each other during the worst moments and you share the same workplace frustrations but it always ends up being messy (trust me I’ve slept with a few coworkers since then and it’s never been worth it).

anyway I haven’t really talked about this since it happened but here we are. ty for coming to my TED talk

first off !!! i’m so glad you could come here to talk about it ): 

second off !! WHAT THE FUCK. the way my jaw dropped YOU’RE KIDDING. THIS MAKES ME SO MF SICK … THAT IS SO VILE OF HIM. i feel you on the whole “joke” thing … it really messes with your insecurities and i can’t imagine after what the disgusting coworker did to you how much that’s affected your insecurities. 

i’m gonna be honest, i wanna say things will look up for you. i don’t want you to give up hope either - you seem like a very strong person having gone through all that. but i’ll also say that the best way to approach things now is to just be realistic, which it seems like you know how to be! keep your cards close to your heart. it’s okay to be guarded and skeptical in my opinion, but don’t close yourself off completely. i’m sure you know this all too well too, but keep staying strong. 

some people are just vile - it’s not you, it’s them. it sounds cheesy even as i type it, but there are just some people that are terrible and vile and are only self-serving when it comes down to it. i know you’ve had many a bad experience, but i promise things will work itself out. again - cheesy as hell - but i am a firm believer that things will somehow … correct themselves. (karma, i suppose?) 

if you ever need to talk, i’m here for you! i’m really sorry this happened to you like …. you deserve so much more AGHHH MEN ARE THE WORST THEY’RE THE WORST

[theskyexists]

watching bladerunner 2049

great environmentally destroyed earth there

i believe that the blatant humanity of AI in this film - as well as their blatant ability to love and feel empathy (a huge divergence from the book) while still being treated as inferior and disposable objects is a comment on how we do that to Other humans without blinking.

though also, they can project a hologram, then solidify the hologram - but they can’t clean up the damn atmosphere? like really. I guess that can only be explained by an elite trying to stay on top by keeping capital firmly in their own hands. i was looking at those solar farms and just going....how is that bringing in any energy in this dust?

also the problem i have with Ryan Gosling as this lead dude who’s in love with his adjustable AI hologram is that i never buy him as capable of love in that way. ever. at all. (so possibly it’s the right choice? anyway this whole thing is creepy)

yeah it’s supposed to be like: lol this was just a fantasy

‘a sentimental skin job’ - evidence of funerary practice, of altruistic behaviour (of grief, of empathy?) he says sorry even though by society’s standards the robot’s owed no courtesy? then he thinks the dude ate the baby - like thats not more insulting

so what separates robots from humans is not - eating food, drinking liquor, getting hurt, feeling empathy - but the ability to reproduce??? (but doesnt he need to sleep?)

the argument really is that being born = having a soul? lol thats a crazy wall to build a society on but there’s been stupider and more arbitrary ones. again, maybe that’s the point

a LOT of product placement in this.

it keeps to the same formula though. an investigator who is forced to forego his own empathy to ‘do the job’. Meeting with the local robot company, meeting the secretary in charge made to appeal. etc. etc. i think that’s pretty cool.

this building is very pharaoic. great set

eyyy a reference to the book. a lil origami sheep (got what he wanted)

im getting the impression from this film that ‘androids’ haven’t got a metal thing in their body and they’re just clones. which honestly i also got that sense from the book so that makes sense

ah so the android was based on himself (he looks ryan gosling like? or can i not distinguish white guys?). and this one is based on the K’s configuration of Joi.

Naturally the android to be ‘inspected’ is a woman who gets to be naked and weak and shit.

‘Every leap of civilisation was built off the back of a disposable workforce’ - great. (the film does a good job being like: hm yeah but the world is shit now so how is that leap so super ?)

Yikes i mean uh i know it’s like a commentary on disposable bodies and people as chattel and women as ‘reproducers’ but they’re portraying him and all his  fuckin self-important self-righteous power-hungry megalomaniac rich bitch speeches as a fuckin sermon worth listening to

and if they don’t take him down in this film i will be mad.

and also i wanted to stab his eyes out the moment he put his hand on her belly but unfortunately i get the sense he’s going to stab HER

but well they’re still sticking with the book formula which is still clever, the Investigator being in love with some AI and then having to kill the android that looks just like her because the company doesn’t keep to the law and shit

- i hope they push just a lil bit different since they’ve clearly established the main premise of the book is the opposite in this film - androids DO have empathy, they DO dream of electric sheep (in this case, electric Joi)

I sure hope ‘Luv’ gets to murder Wallace for what he does to this baby android.

I know he’s a rapist capitalist sadist god complex creepbitch but goddamn i sure hope that the movie MEANT for that reading or i will be mad.

he literally did nothing but creep on a CHILD android and then murder her FOR NOTHING. wow. i’ve never wanted androids to take over and kill a human so badly before. This sure is the opposite of Terminator.

i liked mackenzie davis’ performance here.

‘am i the only one who can see the fuckin sunrise, here?’ uhhhh why are you shouting at the android? like, where the fuck are your human officers and bosses? i love how apparently a police boss can just drink on the job? bc sci fi noir. not that ryan gosling manages that. i JUST noticed that she has bare legs, and now they cut to putting them on display. this is going to end badly (im feeling like there’s going to be some sort of sexual power abuse. edit: she was testing his humanity and he deliberately failed teh test to stop her interest in him)

why the fuck would they implant that memory. (but he thinks that it might be real) (but then how would he have ended up there at the police station)

theres a lot of rain in this world

we now move onto the marginal humans that live in the waste, discarded. and how they destroyed without blinking by a marginal android operating on the orders of the richest man alive.

i have to say that watching this movie makes me so happy about trees and blue skies

the marginal children - processing the waste - sick, abused, enslaved.... here all white...supervisor...black. interesting choice. (all this suffering for ‘civilisation’ - the nickel for the colony ships - this is a lot more spicy than the book - a lot more realistic about who suffers and dies for that kind of thing)

starts to seem like he really is the kid - these ‘orphanage’ stairs look a lot like that memory

Gosling is great for this role bc he doesn’t really have to move his face. but god the pace of this film is so SLOW! had to skip a bit of his slow shuffle to the horse man. ‘ohhh i was a real child, from loving parents, oh no i killed my dad! after killing my mum through childbirth! fuck! im the child that im hunting! oh shit! hey i have a soul!’

you’re special because actually you had agency all along and you’ve been using it to murder people wink

i dont understand the AI bit in this. don’t understand why they would hide him with so much care that he’d know nothing about who he was and kill his dad. like. surely that wasn’t the idea. also if the AI is Wallace’s why can’t Luv hack it. also i really kind of dislike her male fantasy self.

I like this Doctor. she is very very sweet and lovely. i dont really know why nobody would come visit her.

so we can read memories, implant memories, project memories not photo realistically ACTUALLY realistically, we can construct memories from the imagination but we can’t -  i repeat - we can’t clean the damn atmosphere?? i mean yes yes yes this is... a perfect example of how capitalism will not necessarily put money into tech that is you know - a good idea for us all collectively but rather into something that can be sold but god DAMN

manipulation eyyyy. already exercising his freedom of mind

really. an android selling sex to an android??? what the fuck lol. it’s a clone implanted with fake memories selling sex to a clone. yeah yeah yeah society has deemed them inhuman purely because they were built but THE POINT IS THEY are human in literally every other sense and controls them through law and brain make-up and then eliminating everybody who grows their brains from baseline? (why are they even paid?? is that supposed to be pavlovian?)

i really don’t understand what this AI is about. i just can’t get over that this really doesn’t seem like a love story

he almost died and then this AI springs sex on him lol. i really. i just really don’t care for this story and that’s possibly because Ryan Gosling is just so fuckin bad at selling any kind of love story like his eyes are always SO DEAD

oh my god im only halfway. oh my god. THIS FILM IS ALMOST THREE HOURS LONG. jfc

this is such an extremely male fantasy it bores me to death. im  a dude who’s badass, powerful, controlled, SPECIAL, also told im special by my very humany AI gf who i installed exactly to my tastes, she desperately wants to have sex with me FOR ME because im just so cool and wonderful despite being so tortured and possessing eyes like a dead fish. 

let’s spend 20 mins on undressing another two women in this film as we, the viewers, and i, the male protagonist just stand and watch. let’s re-emphasise how she’s just a self-learning ai

there’s light? warm light?

and then they have the women fight each other ? cool cool cool. im not saying it’s not realistic, im just saying it’s boring. i thought Mackenzi was going to proposition K for the resistance

still not sure why Luv hasn’t hacked her already. first time the romance feels slightly real

I guess Luv is indoctrinated. i still like police boss don’t hurt her. i mean obv she’s terrible but so is everybody else. she cried...again. so she kills from anger - not because she had to. she kills her the same way Wallace killed the android. i’d love to read a lil analysis about this. later. women-on-women violence

oh she really DID know where he was but kept it from Luv. why? was she willing to die for him? no. her dignity? maybe. The women in this are mysteries. also why is he still allowed to use the car and drone when he’s suspended. that’s pretty fuckin stupid.

hmm giant statues of naked women WITH heels on posed sexily and unthreateningly. im just saying. this is all super psychoanalysis galaxy brain.

gasp there is a real live bee. thats a book call back

and a classic perfectly intact building

HALF OF THIS FILM IS JUST RYAN GOSLING SHUFFLING THROUGH STRIKING LANDSCAPES AND SETS FROWNING JUST SLIGHTLY

it’s got the opposite problem of the book: it is SLOW AS FUCK

how does he know what a piano is

wow K’s really good at de-escalating. why not just be honest. so he got shot, blown up and then? still fine walking. lol they just gotta show off that he’s still a bladerunner! (where the fuck did that name come from...)

here you’re bleeding in your face. ok? he’s also bleeding from the shotwound maybe? that was definitely implied that he got shot.

and K’s also really bad at asking questions lol. thats because all he ever did was shoot people. anyway this is boring again, these two fighting about nothing - some kind of testerony bullshit about zero stakes - but apparently just screaming at the man will help

also im not sure why he assumed Deckard was the father.

harrison ford delivered that well.

‘to strangers’ i fuckin hate ryan gosling i don’t know if its because hes a bad actor or because his interpretation is so shit

so Deckard left, Rachel died in childbirth (really? lol. god do i want to fuckin consume a woman’s story about goddamn dying in childbirth) and Sapper left him at the orphanage? but how the fuck did he then get slotted into police service all official like??? doesnt make sense except Mackenzie’s network’s got something to do with it

ok so it was implied but now confirmed taht androids come with enhancements

oh nooooo she kills his love :( awww. i can’t feel for him at all lol

but she almost kills the kid she so badly wanted to find

i wonder why she’s so sadistic. probably because she learned from wallace. but all the womb - woman - beautifying - controlled by man - in fear of him - in thrall of him - killing other women again and again sadistically while killing men coldly is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i just dont care for it you know

also this AI woman turned out to have NO role in the movie except to lavish attention on this dude (make him seem capable of love except ryan gosling can’t move his face) and then be fridged lol

so why does she let him live? fuckin bullshit

look, i like the aesthetic and the world but god the director is wayy too in love with it - SPEED THIS SHIT UP

so actually - if Rachel died in childbirth how is she holding the baby in the pic

“That baby meant that we are more than just slaves”

This could be really cool - like - taking back the means of reproduction!!! This is how we will become a PEOPLE. Freedom through female fertility as a symbol. But because uhhhhh this is all a Male Fantasy it feels decidedly icky and not like that at all. Like, why did they make the kid male? That...makes no sense? if Rachel was the only one who could bear children bc of her ...genes? Why the fuck would you centre the story on somebody who cannot take up that legacy, cannot be that symbol? It’s totally weird

OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH!!!!! ok lol.

he thought he was the kid but the girl is....but uh then why was there an exact copy. as a red herring? THEN HOW DID HE GET from the orphanage to the fuckin police???

Is Luv supposed to be the girl though? because they keep killing all the female characters so it’s like, uhuh. it’s not mackenzie bc like thatd be silly huh. i mean it would be stupid but they could pull that

if they think he can get at deckard, why not get him to shoot wallace

how did he get a fuckin police car lololololol

ah these super high tech hoovercars have zero defenses against ???  what is he even shooting at them?

Luv’s actress does something very interesting to her voice when she gets emotional or shouts orders - kind of monstrous and inhuman

well he certainly hit them perfectly

WHERE DID HE GET THE POLICE CAR?

“I’m the best one” yeah - i.e. so I cannot be killed by my master as he’s made me do to so many

why do they always INSIST on men killing women by choke. don’t be so fucking stupid. if she can push his head under water she can punch his lights out. SHE LITERALLY JUST HAD A KNIFE - SHE COULD HAVE STABBED HIM IN THE EYE

why would she waste air grunting. she doesn’t even fake him out. i know they’re human so thats counter-instinctual but like, she’s supposed to be an incredible fighter. it’s the same thing with how they have her do all these kicks and he stays standing because women = agility, men = endurance, and then he punches her once and she goes flying. THEY”RE ANDROIDS HARRY. WHY WOULD YOU BUILD GENDER BULLSHIT IN???

so how many women did we see die extremely explicitly and/or aesthetically and/or plot/significantly so far? raechal (childbirth), the android baby (one cut to the womb), the police boss (one cut to the womb), AI girl (one crunch), Luv (one shot and one strangle-drown).

Ryan Gosling can get shot, blown up, killer punched 7 times, get blown up again, have his lung get perforated by schrapnel, be kicked to shit 5 times. he gets a bandage on his nose and takes it off again so thats a total reset apparently. He’s then shot again, kicked to shit again, sliced in the hand, stabbed in a place thats clearly deadly, half drowned - and he STILL KILLS THIS ANDROID WOMAN. HE STILL KILLS THE BEST WALLACE HAS EVER MADE.

WHAT?!!??!?!!

the men get shot from a distance, bombed from a distance, shot from a distance.

im sorry but this sucks.

and then ryan gosling swims all the way to land.

lol why does this script try to convince me that in this advanced fuckin tech society they wouldn’t be able to check for Deckard’s body??? and then he brings him to a place that’s monitored??

oh right the Doctor was the daughter. so.....they lied about her auto-immune disease? she knew that she had given him her memory? why did they do that? im still not clear on that???

how tf and whytf would they send the girl to the orphanage and let her get beat up by some boys, and only then send her to some perfect chamber

ryan gosling always plays such emotionally constipated characters - they never wanna have anything good

THAT’S IT!?!! they’re not going to explain shit?? they’re implying K just died?? leaving Deckard to get picked up by police and Wallace to find the Doctor and and THEY DIDN’T EVEN KILL CREEP EXTROARDINAIRE FUCKING WALLACE???

All they did was kill the abused slave by fucking choke?????

[astarfilledsea]

@stanleeyuris​ asked: So since Henry stans Drag Race I decided to compile a list of his favorite queen every season. Decided by his personality (and my projection onto him lmao) He definitely loves comedy and look queens tho.

Season 1: he liked shannel, but overall found the season lackluster and a bit boring. Almost didn’t continue watching, but was forced to bc it gets better.

Season 2: Tatianna! Thought she was overall stunning and fun to watch.

Season 3: raja. Loved how fashion forward she was, loves her growth over the time.

Season 4: He thought willam was funny, but egotistical. Overall his favorite was Sharon Needles because of how much she stood out among other queens on the show previously.

All stars 1: he liked tammie bc she was funny and he appreciated how well aware she was of the edits and went out of her way to fuck them up and be confusing in untucked. His realistic win was Manila for her looks and popularity among fans.

Season 5: My boy Henry was a Jinx stan, he thought she was hysterical and also turned out amazing runways. He also liked Alaska and Alyssa, but overall was rooting for a Jinx crowning. Least favorite was Roxxxy Andrews.

Season 6: Adore Delano. He thought she was an overall nice person, funny, and she was fairly unique in her runways. Loved her growth over the years.

Season 7: TRIXIE AND KATYA. The two both brought such amazing things to the table especially Trixie in their looks and their friendship was sweet to watch. Katya’s dry sense of humor was right up his alley.

All stars 2: KATYA ALL THE WAY. Her growth from just a season prior was beautiful. Still thinks she was robbed, but wasn’t mad Alaska won. “Roxxxy should NOT have been in the top four.” But loves making fun of her read u wrote u verse.

Season 8: Kim Chi. Camp queen icon. Nice but also shady as fuck. Least favorite was Derrick Barry and Acid Betty thought they were unnecessarily rude at times, but he thought Acid brought sick looks to the runway.

Season 9: He was 100% a peppermint stan. He just gives off those vibes. Was disappointed Charlie was the first UK queen especially after the infamous “do something charlie” lip sync

All Stars 3: all though he loves Trixie he was rooting for shangela based on season performances she deserved the win, but he was happy when Trixie won.

Season 10: Miz Cracker. Funny, good looks, nice person overall.

All stars 4: Team Manila. Was devastated by Manila’s elimination. He also liked Valentina, but her delusion started annoying him as the season went on.

Season 11: Tie for Nina West and Shuga Cain. Both genuinely kind queens and drama free. Turned out AMAZING looks throughout the season. He’s definitely still bitter about Shuga’s elimination.

All stars 5: hasn’t happened yet but I’m willing to bet he’s rooting for Miz Cracker

K ANSWER: sorry it took me awhile to get to this, was out of town and no access to my pc. but i do want to say that you go you superb you for putting this together. very thought out. unfortunately i know very little of drag race for me to comment further but maybe someone wants to see this and can comment more than i can. thank you for the message though!

[chainsawcorazon]

so i read two really well-written yuumika longfics that dealt with mika healing post-anime with yuu by his side, and the one common denominator i found in both longfics plus the regular one-shots i read that had the premise of mika healing from his trauma was this: guren was always, in some shape or form, absolved of his behavior towards yuu because yuu said so. because yuu said that guren was family, because yuu vouched for guren’s kindness, because yuu was ok with being used by guren. yuu got the final say every time mika made a point to call out just where guren fucked up, and in all thirteen fics, the two longfics included, mika eventually stopped pressing and just... accepted it. 

maybe it’s because the anime (haven’t started the manga yet, but i will soon) made it an imperative to absolve guren of most of his sins because he’s supposed to be that tertiary hero that’s present in all shounen manga (for y’all oldies like me, this homeboy urahara from bleach and kakashi’s hoe ass). it’s that tertiary character that does some sick fucking shit but almost always gets away with it because central protagonist says he can get away with it. in the more awfully written shounen manga, the tertiary character keeps getting away with it, but sometimes we get lucky and that character doesn’t get away with it.

unfortunately, for the anime, it didn’t do much in terms of actually deconstructing guren enough to have him be held accountable for his actions against yuu. if anything, the anime absolved the fucking fact that he went berserk on mika and yuu under the guise that he was possessed by mahiru and hence “in his second personality.” dude literally went ham and got the nazi cape on in the last scenes of season two, but it’s gucci cuz his dead girlfriend’s in charge, but how is that even remotely ok??? was mahiru a nazi, or in owari canon, a part of JIDA or the hyakuya sect??? how the hoe die, get turned into a vamp, and then into a demon that’s enslaved by her living ex??? either way, guren got away with it in the anime and even got turned into the damsel for yuu to go rescue.

and mika? i know a lot of the manga implies that mika’s obsessive and sick. it’s true. he is obsessive and sick, but that don’t make him wrong lmao. guren did use yuu. guren did do shit that almost got yuu and his homies killed. for all intents and purpose, guren shouldn’t treated like a hero in canon, and yet, he is. personally, it bugs the shit outta me because i feel like only one person really understands the gravity of the situation besides mika and that’s kimizuki. and he only really got it because he knew that he wasn’t in JIDA for vengeance, but bc he needed to be able to afford treatment for a sick family member, essentially one of the few realistic fucking characters in the manga. no healthcare for the fam? shit, time to join the military and cash in on the benefits bc the world’s trash and universal healthcare doesn’t exist post-apocalypse.

hopefully there’s more to the story and the manga does a better job of exposing reality to yuu because like... he in another world fam. traumatized!mika and jaded!kimizuki should not be the only two to fully realize the extent of guren’s manipulation and essential crimes against this kid. no, we don’t need an obito to show how fucked up guren’s nonsense is, but like, some accountability might be nice. also, maybe some actual relationship building between yuu and mika that isn’t hinged on obsession and trauma? no? am i asking for too much?

[mattmartelli]

hi everyone im lina !! im fifteen n i live in the cst timezone so im usually on around this time of night !!! also my pronouns are she/her ! im super excited to be rping w yall ??? u should all hmu bc i wanna be friends w all of you.

DYLAN SPRAYBERRY - Did you hear MATTHEW MARTELLI joined the drama club now? Yeah, apparently they’re a SIXTEEN year old JUNIOR at Washington High. I heard they’re playing KURT KELLY in HEATHERS. Let’s hope they don’t fuck that up. I’ve seen HIM before in the FOOTBALL PLAYER table at lunch. At that table, they’re known as the GOLDEN BOY, because they’re +PERSPICACIOUS, but also -POLLYANNAISH. I wish them good luck with their slushy facial, though.

theres a stats page here and i’ll make a plots page but i already have two of them here !!!! message me to plot or like this and i’ll come to you once i get over my whole shyness thing

matt was born matthew alexander hemingway-martelli on august 29th, 2000 ( he's the youngest junior in the school heh ), but his family no longer say their father’s surname ( hemingway ) in order to honor their mother after their death. now they all just go by martelli, though they are still legally hemingway-martelli.

he was born in manhattan, ny into an upper class family but moved to rivercreek when he was three, the town his parents met and grew up in.

when he was in his mothers womb, matt got sick. this left him with fine hearing in his right ear, but very very limited hearing in his left ( he can really only hear loud noises really close to his ear, and everything sounds mumbled and blurred. therefore, hes fluent in asl and learned it alongside english growing up. he uses a cros system at the moment but is always afraid he’ll be bullied bc of it so he keeps it hidden and only those close to him knows he even hard of hearing. u dont wanna know how many times hes had to lie and say he was attracted to someone who caught him staring at their lips ( aka reading )

his family has five members. he has his dad william, his mother olivia, his older brother maxwell (21), and his older sister ________ [to be added by another rper] (17-18). hes the youngest of them all and his siblings never miss a chance to tease him about it.

his mom was a surgeon, and matt never really liked going to work w her bc when she was at the hospital she was always so serious yet at home she was the most fun person ever ?? she always encouraged him to be healthy and do well in school and was basically his biggest role model. when he was thirteen, she died after being hit by a drunk driver, leading matt to make a vow never to drink or do drugs. ever.

the entire family was devastated by the loss of their mother. thank goodness they turned to each other instead of bad coping mechanisms like drinking or drugs, and ultimately it made their family bond even stronger.

his father was/is a very successful businessman, and used to be very very involved in his large chain of pizzerias that were nationwide, but its hq was in manhattan. when he had kids, he started to focus more on family and when matt was three, he decided to step back a bit and do most of his work from home in order to take care of the kids bc their mother was v busy. hes also a rlly good chef ( hence the pizzerias ) and they often have family dinners around the table ( in fact, when their dad is home its mandatory every night theyre free ). now that the kids are old enough to take care of themselves, hes started to go back to nyc and get back in the swing of things. for the past two years, it isnt uncommon for him to spend a few days there every few weeks.

matt is the kind of person youd call a ‘gifted child.’ ever since he was a kid, hes always been that kind of cookie cutter kid pulled out a 40s comic strip - the all american boy next door whos nice to everyone and good at sports and has a 4.0 gpa thats friends w everybody ( yall know what character im talking about ) - but having that burden placed on him at such a young age has begun to stress him out big time

his after school activities include various volunteer stuff, football, track and field, gymnastics, peer tutoring, national honor society, and now theater. he also is taking seven classes ( not including pe ) - four honors and three aps

when matt grows up he really wants to be an engineer but also wants to follow in the footsteps of his mother, so hes torn between becoming a surgeon or a biomed engineer.

hes lowkey obsessed with maintaining his perfect image. he spends hours upon hours studying each night, works out and practices football and gymnastics almost every day, and on top of that, now he has this freaking musical to top it off ! ( yes, that says freaking. he doesnt swear. )

speaking of the musical, lets just say matt is not pleased. his sister encouraged it based on how much matt enjoyed choir when he was in junior high ( which unfortunately he had no time in his schedule to continue ) and urged him to audition and play a member of the ensemble as a time to destress at the end of the day and do something fun. but no, they just had to give his kurt kelly. while its not a leading role, its still enough that now hes stressing about lines and his singing and dancing and not knowing if what hes doing is realistic because hes never been drunk or a douche how is he supposed to know?!?! i mean he still enjoys it tho but its just kinda like the icing on top of the cake

idk. i’ll update this but plot w me for now !!! yeet

also im not gonna be able to be on or opening tomorrow bc i have rehearsal for my play til 7pm cst so whoops