#it makes everything so much worse
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i miss summer
#these are from a walk i took in summer at like 6 am#apparently i have seasonal affective disorder#which is odd to me because its always been an 'all year round' type thing#and it still is#but wow winter is such a fucking nightmare#it makes everything so much worse#my photography#midwestern gothic#american gothic#dreamcore#liminalcore#liminal space#oddcore#weirdcore#vent#ventcore#liminal photography#nostalgiacore#nostalgic#vintage#midwestern emo#surrealcore#midwest gothic#rural america#film photography#landscape#southern gothic#agoraphobia#sunset#sunrise
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#vent ahead#not even gonna say anything?#no communication of “hey i didn't like this”#everything was JUST FINE last i knew#like actually nothing was wrong from what i could tell#and now i have zero way to contact them#what the fuck did i do wrong#all i can think is#they must've gotten in contact with someone ive hurt#which would've absolutely been valid#but normally if that happens you follow that up with communication#“hey this person is saying these things about you; are they true?”#but i got NOTHING#bye i fucking guess#i don't normally write vent posts like this#but when someone i keep fairly consistent contact with just blocks me on EVERYTHING out of the blue#it makes everything so much worse#if i ever find out I'll go back and delete this post
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sexily puts a bullet in my head
#i'm fine honestly#just being so dramatic#i'm tired#and soo done with being sick all the time#i wish i could go one day without feeling like my entire body has been crushed and stretched a million times over in my sleep#lupus suuuucks.#it makes everything so much worse#cringe and fail#barking
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"I'll show you every day that choosing to live was worth it"
some of my favourite scenes from @hijinks-n-lowjinks' fic things i would miss from the other side . this fic tore my heart out fr but like in a good way and i wanted to pay it homage the only way i know how <3
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#itafushi#fushiita#yuji itadori#fushiguro megumi#megumi fushiguro#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#I LOVE PLOTTING AND ALSO SCHEMING#listen i have a lot of feelings and i needed 2 process them and i do that by making art 2 target my mutuals directly#read my about it's there it's in the fineprint if we talk You Are Not Safe smile#i just . BITING BITING BITING this fic#the domesticity the grief the casual yet unfathomably deep soulmatism.......im ruined i tell u Ruined#so naturally i dropped everything#remember how i said lefts/rights r my enemy my beloathed my nemesis. MIRRORS MADE IT SO MUCH WORSE FHGDSAJFGJS I WANTED DEATH#i was like this is incorrect. no this is correct. flips them around in my head. no im wrong again actually#purgatory tbh but we got there (watch me be wrong again tho if i am wrong again i think i will Cry)#anyway!!! i don't have much else to say except pls read the fic and show jinx some love they 1000% deserve it this fic 1000% deserves it#i could only draw so many scenes but i would draw all of it if i could#fr i ws so paranoid abt accuracy lmao cut 2 footage of me looking up rice cooker models and wtf the colour 'carnelian' was#i hope i got everything right i hope i did it justice :'>#also if any1 mentions how megumi's arm in 3 is at an awkward angle. look me in the eye and tell me youve comfortably cuddled with someone#i will call u a liar
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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Ted Lasso, the character, is one of the only representations of 'sometimes getting better with your mental health issues means that you are less visibly happy, and that is okay, because you are not required to be happy in order to be loved' out there and I am really discouraged that so much of the audience is angry at that.
#ted lasso#the guy we meet in season one is so so so much sadder and is suffering so much more#than the guy we say goodbye to in season three#but the guy in season three doesn't crack as many jokes and doesn't grin and laugh at every opportunity#I really didn't expect the fandom to interpret that as 'he's even worse off than before!'#when the fact is that when you're able to have an inherent sense of self-worth rather than relying on Doing Everything Right#that you become less manic about making sure everyone likes you all the time#which is what ted did for the first two seasons#I dunno I just wish there was more room for this kind of character#and... for this kind of person#believe mothereffers#theodore lasso
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sally and percy were always each other’s constants, they became a bit more distant once percy found out he was a demigod, but they were still each others firsts
then estelle was born
percy loves estelle so much, so much it physically hurts
but he sees estelle and how happy she is, how she had a mom that doesnt work the night shift nearly every night and instead is home nearly all the time, and she has a dad that’s present and there and is safe and percy is so so happy that she has what he never did
but at the same time he knows thats the exact reason why it hurts
estelle has what percys wanted his whole life
and now estelle has the only thing percy had his whole life
being his mothers first and top priority
he knows why, he understands why, estelle is a baby and needs to be cared for constantly, and percys nearly 18 and doesnt need his mom all the time anymore
but it hurts because all the food is no longer blue, it hurts because he sees estelle grow up and get help, it hurts because he sees estelle with the life he always wanted, but knows he will never had
and it hurts because hes no longer his mother’s constant.
sally has paul now, she has paul to help her through her issues and she has a child that doesnt get expelled from every school shes been in
and percy has his family. but its not the same. annabeth has always been there, but she doesnt understand, thalia has been through the same childhood as percy but she doesnt know what its like to watch the bad go to good in the same household, grover has always listened but he just doesnt understand
because hes happy estelle has the life he always wanted. hes glad his mother has the life she always wanted. but hes not in that life. because hes moving out soon. and hes no longer his mothers son, at least not in the way he was before
#i would apologize but im actually not sorry#he used to come home from anything and his mother would be there in an instant#checking him over and making sure hes ok#then estlelle is born#and he loves her so so much#but now when he comes home sally is on the couch holding estelle gently#and she can only pay so much attention to her son#and listen. i love sally#i really do#shes the best mom there was#however#she can no longer be that perfect safe space she once was#to other demigods? she is still that safe space#but thats all theyve known her#but percy has seen sally risk everything for percy#and while hes so happy she longer has to#theres still that empty and painful feeling#and it just gets worse when he sees estelle living the life he always dreamed of#pjo#percy jackson#sally jackson#estelle blofis#estelle and percy#jackson-blofis family#they have so much angst potential i love it#pjo angst#percy jackson angst#reef says#reef angst#percy and sally
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Curly not immediately punishing Jimmy for assaulting Anya is something I don’t think a lot of people are viewing in the complex context for Curly as the superior to both of them and closest confidante they had.
Like I am in no way saying he didn’t under react or fail Anya by not being harsh or direct with Jimmy but it really is the case that he really couldn’t. Imagine being stuck in such a confined space with very little areas to genuinely hold someone if they commit a crime. It’s not like this was an event that occurred before they departed or that they have easy communication with The Pony Express to ask for how to proceed when something like this arises. Not to mention, Jimmy’s relative power in relation to Anya as the co-pilot and second in command, he has the knowledge and access to do something to her had Curly directly punished him in this setting.
They were also Curly’s friends. It’s not just the case of him mediating something between his subordinates but people he is personally invested in don’t want to see spiral further in Anya’s case while also not wanting believe his friend go that bad in Jimmy’s actions. They were both suicidal and Curly putting Jimmy’s stability first is both out of bias but also the fact he’s aware at some level Jimmy is a danger to himself and others if not constantly placated. Combined with the fact he was in denial or just not piecing together what Anya said it’s hard to say what he buying time for and what he had treat as urgent. This isn’t even saying he doesn’t care about Anya but he’s not going jump to the worst conclusions about his friends even if part of him acknowledges the evidence saying so. It’s a complicated thing but he’s still human and needed to process it on top of trying to keep a ship that already took on a lot of water from further sinking, metaphorically.
I just personally think that while Curly failed Anya, it was a scenario where there wasn’t much he could do to the best thing by her safely and like Jimmy, we are underestimating what a good leader would do in a very fragile and tense situation like he was in. By the time he may have been ready and had a plan, things were much too late.
#like in my one Anya still respected Curly after he didn’t punish Jimmy so I assume he still respected her or reassured her he’d do something#it just was never enough because sadly Jimmy just needed to be removed from the ship and that’s not possible#cause no matter what Jimmy was going to do something stupid to fix it and Curly had to be thinking of a way to avoid that but also trying to#play the subjective role of friend and objective role of captain with two of the people he is currently closest with#not to mention how he’s a big picture guy and it’s not an excuse but those little detail and subtle behaviors are probably lost if the big#picture looks fine still and he admits he’d drive himself crazy trying to look for it#like weirdly Curlys character is only seen through the people he tried to protect and we judge him on his failures but we don’t get too much#on his insights directly as Jimmy is unreliable and he tries hard to be gentle with Anya#personal note is I don’t think Curly underplaying Anya’s trauma is a guy code protecting my bud thing but more a flaw in his personal#character in where he just wants everything and everyone to be ok in the end and taking responsibility that isn’t his to bare like he can’t#make up for what Jimmy did but he tried and that’s the problem really cause he’s just used to actually fixing it for him and it’s the case#this is the one thing he really couldn’t like I think he’s a good guy but he’s trapped in his and a bunch of other peoples worse moments#anya mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#mouthwashing curly#curly mouthwashing#mouthwashing anya#jimmy mouthwashing#captain curly#nurse Anya#mouthwashing spoilers#rape tw#suicide tw#also last thought is how he like also was being emotionally drained by Jimmy constantly like Anya and his relationship with Jimmy parallel#each other in such a way that both him and Anya warily follow the words of the others abuser because they fear the physical or emotional#repercussions if they don’t like her not being able to really tell curly what happened and then curly not being able to do the same and how#jimmy assaults and dehumanizes both when they are no longer a service to him like god they are more adjacent than Jimmy and Curly like Curly#messed up in a already messy pile Jimmy mad it into a dumpster fire in a landfill they are not the same
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Imagine getting adopted after your parents were brutally murdered through circumstances that were seemingly your fault, being told that it was so you could serve as both an experiment (for your foster father to prove humans could follow Vulcan teachings) and a tool (for your foster brother’s development), seemingly failing both of them, then later being told by your foster mother who you thought you had a healthy relationship with that the reason you were given as much love and affection as you were when you were a child was because it had to be denied to the child she really wanted to give it to, her real child. Oh and that she thought you were the reason your family was falling apart. Michael is a better person than me because I would’ve said fuck everyone and taken a nap.
#michael burnham#that was so foul#finally found the right way to phrase why it bothered me so much even though this was long-winded#cannot believe this was ‘resolved’ with an ‘I’m proud of you’ and ‘thanks for everything’#listen Amanda is not a bad mom per se but she knows how to make her worse moments leave a lasting impact unfortunately#Michael ‘no one will ever love me if I fail’ Burnham#didn’t have to crawl her way out of deep self-loathing and lack of self-esteem out of nowhere#there was a reason why it’s unclear if she was even adopted in the first place#and she’s on first name basis with her adoptive/foster parents on occasion#star trek discovery
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Akane loses her humanity in exchange for staying alive, and in doing so she's kept the eternally the same, eternally searching for the correct path. Akane is as close to being a god as someone can get through the morphogenetic field, and this is not a good thing for her.
#and she's so outwardly sweet. and she's so outwardly innocent. and she's lost everything and is desperately clinging to that persona#and it would be so much worse for her without aoi. can you imagine if she had to do it alone#but no. aoi wants to save her too. he's going to make her wish come true!#zero escape#zero escape spoilers#akane kurashiki
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hi can we just talk about how much finnick protected peeta? like not just in the games but after?!?!! he was the only one to not raise his gun at peeta, who stepped forward and tried to help him. he reassured him it was okay to ask questions when he needed to. he ran lines with him, told him he had this. even when he killed someone on their squad and was going after katniss finnick didn’t become violent with him. just retrained him and tried to calm him down, literally telling peeta i got you. and the line “peeta just tuck in there” I’M SCREAMING
#it’s if we count how many times he saved peeta’s life in catching fire it makes his guilt for saying how he wanted to go back for him#and the others even worse#he knew everything that was probably going to be done to all of them and his guilt made him have a mental breakdown#like bro!!!!!!!!!!!!#this boy has so much empathy and care within him ugh#also peeta telling them to leave him behind after finnick died is so important because imagine how that fucked him up#i need to go cry now#the hunger games#finnick odair#peeta mellark#catching fire#mockingjay#here laur goes again..
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Eddie making Steve laugh to the point of Steve revealing that he’s actually a snort laugher and Eddie lighting up like all his christmases have come at once
#Steve telling Robin that Eddie Knows His Great Shame and being distraught about it#Eddie going home and telling corroded coffin that ‘today men. I heard what angels must sound like’#obviously eddie tries everything he can to make it happen again and Steve does his best to avoid it#Steve thinking it’ll make him seem less Hot and Eddie tearing his hair out over how much worse his crush got after hearing The Laugh#I love snort laugh steve so much#and this obviously means eddie is a silent laugher but scream sneezer
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ANTONY cry 'havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war
earlier in my script (which is not Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar), Antony refers to Dolabella as one of his ‘dogs of war’ when talking to Cassius (which IS a reference to Shakespeare’s JC), and it comes back around after Cicero writes to Cassius and informs him of Trebonius’ fate
While these things were taking place at Rome, Cassius and Brutus were collecting troops and money, and Trebonius, governor of the province of Asia, was fortifying his towns for them. [...] Trebonius, who was captured in bed, told his captors to lead the way to Dolabella, saying that he was willing to follow them. One of the centurions answered him facetiously, "Go where you please, but you must leave your head behind here, for we are ordered to bring your head, not yourself." With these words the centurion immediately cut off his head, and early in the morning Dolabella ordered it to be displayed on the praetor's chair where Trebonius was accustomed to transact public business. Since Trebonius had participated in the murder of Caesar by detaining Antony in conversation at the door of the Senate-house while the others killed him, the soldiers and camp-followers fell upon the rest of his body with fury and treated it with every kind of indignity. They rolled his head from one to another in sport along the city pavements like a ball till it was completely crushed. This was the first of the murderers who received the meed of his crime, and thus vengeance overtook him.
App. Civil Wars III. 26
For Dolabella is in Syria, and, as you have foreseen in your prophetic soul and have foretold, Cassius will crush him while they are on their way. For Dolabella has had the gates of Antioch shut in his face and got a good beating in trying to storm it. Not trusting in any other city, he has betaken himself to Laodicea, on the sea-coast of Syria. There I hope he will speedily pay the penalty of his crime: for he has no place of refuge, nor will he much longer be able there to stand out against an army as large as that of Cassius. I even hope that Dolabella has by this time been overpowered and crushed.
Cic. Fam. 12.14
Place then before your eyes, O conscript fathers, that spectacle, miserable indeed, and tearful, but still indispensable to rouse your minds properly: the nocturnal attack upon the most beautiful city in Asia; the irruption of armed men into Trebonius’s house, when that unhappy man saw the swords of the robbers before he heard what was the matter; the entrance of Dolabella, raging,—his ill-omened voice, and infamous countenance,—the chains, the scourges, the rack, the armourer who was both torturer and executioner; all which they say that the unhappy Trebonius endured with great fortitude. A great praise, and in my opinion indeed the greatest of all, for it is the part of a wise man to resolve beforehand that whatever can happen to a brave man is to be endured with patience if it should happen.
Cicero, Philippic 11
Philippi and Perusia, Ronald Syme
ko-fi⭐ bsky ⭐ pixiv ⭐ pillowfort ⭐ cohost ⭐ cara.app
#the actual line cassius has here is 'tell mark antony im going to kill his fucking dog' but it doesn't work without the context#of antony earlier calling dolabella one of his dogs. so. i have edited it slightly to provide that context#this is also the one thing that cassius doesn't forgive brutus for because it's brutus who wanted antony left alive#and the dots are simply that if antony was dead then trebonius would not be#brutus can get away with everything else in the name of love. but not that one#(i'll do anything for love but i wont do that etc)#you might say. hey. it doesn't seem like you like brutcass very much. incorrect! i love it a lot! i just want to make them worse#also one of the most romantic scenes ive ever watched in my life in a show was a breakup scene and ive been chasing that high#ever since. but mostly i think theres a tragedy to brutus’ decision making and there should be narrative consequences#roman republic tag#komiks tag#drawing tag#gaius cassius longinus#marcus junius brutus#gore cw#In appian’s text. it’s pretty gnarly tbh
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something that always gets me about klavier is that he is so clearly just like. friendly. he cares so much and he cares too much. he's one to tease simultaneously but he so clearly just like. loves and loves and loves, even when it puts him in harm's way, he likes people and he likes being around people enough to be desperate for it and for friendship like. ough
#goober.txt#klavier gavin#kristoph gavin#aa4#this is also partially why I am such a truther of nuance in klavier+kris's relationship#I think it mixes well with prev just in like. how much he cares is both part of his core and a byproduct of#being desperate for all the connection he lost + that was plenty dysfunctional on top of that (but all he had)#I think it actively hits harder if he's conflicted for missing someone who was terrible because it was still his brother and like.#I think kris having been good to klavier sometimes (adding to the dysfunction of the bad) is something that I've always liked#because like#I think klavier having a 'is it wrong to want him dead' and 'am I terrible for missing him badly' thing happenin at the same time is!!#so good and also very sad and I love you gavin brother things that capcom didn't give us. love you klavier gavin#I like the idea of him having that confliction alongside his grief :( ow#I literally don't have the right words to properly express all my thought cereal on this. other people have done it though so it is ok haha#I love when fictional grief has the confliction of 'being reminded the monster was also human and that makes everything worse' it's so good#like I hate you. I miss you. the way you were nice to me was so very you and it makes me soft and sad and tired. I miss you.#you were awful in unspeakable ways. I miss you.#sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like without you and it comforts me as much as it terrifies me. I miss you
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I really don't like talking about politics on this blog, because it's fandom focused and I like having a space away from politics, but if you live in the United States, please vote, and vote against Trump. I personally have many, many issues with the Democratic Party, Biden, and Harris that I will not elaborate on here. I don't feel enthusiastic voting for Harris.
However, if Trump wins, the odds of the U.S. either becoming a fascist country (and I'm not using hyperbole here) or descending into civil war are high. I don't think either of those outcomes would be good for anyone in the world, and they'd definitely be disastrous for American citizens.
I don't mean to fearmonger here. I can't predict the future. I can't predict how resilient American institutions would prove to be. Perhaps they'll be stronger than expected. What I can say is that there's a realistic chance that if Trump wins, 2024 will be the last free and fair election in the United States for many years. As it is, we barely survived the 2020 election, and all indications are that Trump will be much, much worse this time around.
If you agree with me, please reblog this post, so that more people can see it.
And if you disagree with me, please read the attached piece before you hate on me.
#2024#November 2024#election 2024#election#Harris#Kamala Harris#anti trump#I felt obligated to say something#to do something#again I'm not a huge fan of many policies of the current Administration#many many#but Trump is so so much worse#on literally everything#anyways I don't mean to make a habit of this sort of thing#back to my regularly scheduled defense of Azula#please reblog
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"I'm a healer but--" duo
#or is it (i'm a striker but--)#these two just walkin around trying to sneak healing into their everyday roles#and i'm struggling to decide how to incorporate them into my teams bc...#will it be a situation where splitting roles like this makes them worse units in the long run?#or will my biases overpower actual usability?#anyway i very much love blood key oli i'll never get over the priest gun memes when he first came out#so i have so much respec for him. blasting thru floors and walls and solid everything with his essence pewpew#yaku's so soft and cute and slightly damp in his fanciful capriccio outfit that i'm (squints eyes) he a striker?#sorry it's the active woobification lenses on my eyeballs#yakumo panics in a fight and stabs a guy with an umbrella#oli finishes him off properly with the essence gun#the two clear the area of any hostiles. then sit down to take a breather and heal each other's wounds#healer4healer every day in this house#nu carnival olivine#nu carnival yakumo
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