#it made me isolate myself just to do that which in turn only fucked me up more

[nexus-nebulae]

really fucks me up how much i've been told that visibly showing symptoms of depression is inherently abusive

[physalian]

On Writing Characters with Hyper-Specific Triggers (and a PSA)

*Trigger warning for this whole post

Once upon a time, I had a roommate. Nothing looked wrong from the outside and this narcissist probably thought nothing was wrong on the inside, but there was. I knew moving in with them was a mistake, but financial circumstances demanded I shut up and try to make the most of it. Enter the longest thirteen months of aPTSD-inducing psychological stalemate I hope to never repeat again. Seven of which were on overdrive.

The why doesn’t matter. The how doesn’t matter. What matters is that this roommate was so toxic, there was no point in attempting to talk things out because any little thing could be a land mine for starting an argument and it didn’t matter what casualties got caught in the crossfire, so long as this person “won”. Casualties including our friendship. So if any little thing, anything at all, could be a land mind, what do you do if not try to completely avoid them? For seven months.

This person’s work schedule was incredibly erratic, but they were gone more hours than not, and when they were home, they were usually asleep. In those few overlapping hours where we were both awake, I could not leave my room for fear of said verbal land mines. If I wanted to cook, leave the apartment, get anything from the living room or my desk that I had to abandon, get more water from the fridge, I had to do it before they got home, or after they went to bed, and I could never predict when they’d be home.

Luckily (or unluckily), my room faced the parking lot, and this roommate drove a car that made a very specific sound. From the moment I heard that car from my room, I had about 20 seconds to shut down whatever I was doing in the apartment, retreat to my room, and lock the door. Overreacting? Potentially, I wasn’t in any physical danger, but this was seven months of near complete isolation from any other friends, and the fear of making it worse kept me silent.

So, 20 seconds from the moment I hear the telltale whine of that engine. If I couldn’t hear the car, our front door had a lock that chimes and I had about 7 seconds from the first chime to the door opening to get the fuck out of the way. I lost weight that I couldn’t afford to lose from being unable to cook past a certain time in the evening and staying locked in my room on their days off.

Seven months of only having a door chime and an engine to tell me when it was safe and when I had to run.

—

These chime locks are the new normal and one year removed from that apartment, every time I hear it and I’m already stressed, it’s a trigger.

Every time I’m on the highway and I see a dark grey sedan of that make, that is the most important car on the road until I make sure it’s not their car.

Every time I see a dark grey sedan parked in reverse, as they habitually did, that is the most important car in the parking lot until I make sure it’s not theirs.

Every time I have to drive near a certain location where they work, I am watching for that car.

I could pick it out from 200 others. I know the license plate, I know the license plate frame, I know what sticks to the windshield, I know what hangs from the rearview mirror. I would know that car rusted and crushed in an impound lot.

So. Today I drive home and I pass a rear-parked car one turn before my unit, and I think to myself, “that’s not X’s car, but I noticed it, I’m never not going to notice it.” It wasn’t the same make, model, or color, it was just a sedan with its nose sticking out and that was enough.

Then I turn the corner. And there it is. My ex-roommate’s car.

I shit you not it was like I had a warning from the Universe before it hit.

I don’t need to check the windshield, I know it’s theirs. I’ve seen it in my complex once before. The last time I did, I’d parked my own car and waited, got out, and hid between two others in the dark, waiting for this person to leave.

Today, in broad daylight, that car is empty. They happened to arrive while I was gone for 30 minutes. So I park, and I wait. I watch that car from my side mirror. I scan the sidewalk for them and I don’t see anything. I have frozens that can’t wait.

I’m thinking to myself, of all the parking spots in all the parking lots, of all the apartments in this godforsaken town, you parked right behind my spot.

Nothing happened, and even if we crossed paths, nothing probably would have happened (that’s how they worked, pretending nothing was ever wrong and that I was the crazy one). But I still waited, and when I decided to leave, I moved as fast as possible without drawing attention. One whole year removed from that person.

—

It doesn’t take physical abuse, or yelling and screaming and death threats. It doesn’t need to be a parent or a sibling, a relative, or a romantic partner. This person never touched me, never screamed (though they did yell on occasion), never actually threatened anything. They never called me names, were never direct with any of their insults, were never explicitly petty. I had no proof. Ever.

I just had example after example of every time they cut me down to feel smart, picked on me to feel better about themselves and project their own insecurities and jealousy, or used me as their emotional punching bag because of choices they made.

So a year after completely cutting them out, there’s that fucking car parked outside my apartment.

Media portrays “triggers” usually only in characters who are veterans. Noises that sound like gunshots, or thunder, fireworks, because that’s what we think of when we see PTSD—people who fought in wars.

It’s not like I sit around fixating on that car or that door chime (and actually with exposure to that chime every day with no consequences it’s gotten better), but that’s the point. They come out of nowhere when you least expect it. They don’t prepare you for their arrival, they just happen.

I didn’t have anything close to a panic attack, but nothing in the universe was more important in that moment than making sure I didn’t run into this person, until I calmed down.

Trigger attacks don’t have to be this big flashy thing, born of big flashy movements. It can be something as subdued as going quiet, staring at the thing, and your brain dumping everything else except all the potential outcomes of not escaping this situation immediately. It’s just a car. It’s not like an evil Big Dick truck with smokestacks and truck nuts and a MAGA flag on the back. It’s just a nerdy sedan that could belong to anyone.

—

So. PSA.

What you think might be an overreaction by someone you care about, they probably think is an overreaction, too. Did I want to have fate shit on my day and spend extra minutes under the hot sun when I have chores to do? No. But it happened.

What you think a trigger is supposed to look like or what the symptoms are supposed to be are not just what’s dramatic and flashy for the TV. Here I am writing a whole blog post about it instead of just moving on and I can't go back and check for typos because I don't want to have to reread it.

Do you want to die on a hill of “get over it” when someone you care about would love nothing more? Just. Be there for them.

And to writers, artists, anyone—it doesn’t have to be dramatic to be the most upsetting part of someone’s day. Including such simple things as a door chime, or the sound of an engine, really helps with visibility so people like me don’t think “I’m not allowed to feel this way, I didn’t actually suffer like a shell-shocked veteran”.

Most of us never will. That doesn’t make any of our hardships any less valid. Please be kind.

[xclowniex]

I truly think that the majority of goyim simply do not know what it has been like for jews in the diaspora since Oct 7th.

When the news first broke, I did not know how far hamas had gotten into Israel, my family in Israel was on a trip somewhere in Israel too and I had no clue where they had gone for a holiday. Whilst I knew they did not live anywhere near the Gaza border, I had zero idea where they were when it was happening. I had zero clue if they were alive or dead. I was stuck in limbo watching all the reports.

Then on Monday, I had to go into work like nothing fucking happened, like I didn't just spend the weekend worrying if they were dead or alive.

When I came into work, my manager who had heard the news who knows I have family in Israel asked me what had happened. I was still processing the news myself. All I told her was that there was an attack on Israeli civilians and she said that she hoped my family was safe.

In the coming days I saw all the protests, all the protests BEFORE Israel had even retaliated. I saw the antisemitic protest in Australia where people were chanting "gas the jews" and thinking "oh my fucking God, Australian culture is similar to New Zealand culture, is a similar protest going to happen here?" I spend so long worried that something like that would happen where I lived. I planned what I would do if I got caught near one, picturing all the common places people protest and planning my escape routes. Thankfully nothing on that scale happened. I was lucky.

None of my friends at the time asked me if my family was safe, but they all posted about Palestine. Keep in mind that all bar one knew I have family in Israel as I've spoken about it multiple times.

I watched support keep coming and coming for palestine when Israel hadn't even retaliated yet, and no support for the Israeli lives lost. I pushed my feelings aside, giving people the benefit of the doubt, maybe just maybe they didn't know the extent of Oct 7th that was released at that time.

After Israel retaliated, I ended up unfollowing so many content creators online because they refused to talk Oct 7th and only talked about Palestine. Were my family just chopped fucking liver to them???? Did my anxiety that I felt about their safety just not matter? Did all Israelis dying not matter to them?

I went to my first Halloween party. It was fun and I enjoyed myself for the most part, but on the way there I kept worrying that someone was going to say something antisemitic, that someone was going to bring up the war and dehumanize Israelis, dehumanize my family. I spent the whole evening on edge, worrying that it would happen. As a result, to calm my nerves I ended up getting super fucked up. It did not work and I overdid the alcohol and weed and I just felt terrible. The next day I felt immense guilt. How could I party? How could I dance when those at Nova were killed when they were dancing?

Then the antisemitism started online. I watched antisemitic tropes just start flying around social media. It's what made me start posting about the war and antisemitism online. My blog turned from clown posts, my special interest, to a space where I could get my feelings off my chest.

Then the antisemitism started in real life. Whenever I wore my magen david, I would get called slurs. I had to start avoiding certain parts of town because of it.

I also felt highly isolated at work. I didn't know who I could speak to about what I was going through. My office is made up of mainly leftists. No one really spoke about the war at work, which in a way made it worse. I didn't know who was normal about jews and Israelis and who weren't.

The harassment got so bad that my partner at the time was begging me to stop wearing or at least hide my magen david as he was afraid that I would be physically attacked.

There were times which I hid it, and I still experienced antisemitism because I have a very jewish nose.

I experienced this for MONTHS.

At one point in time, I tried venting to my friends at the time about the antisemitism I was facing. One of them said that they hadn't seen any antisemitism so they didn't know what I was talking about. I called what they said weird, and they started on this whole tirade that I'm only calling them antisemitic because they're arab. I think this was in November. I looked at their blog and found posts denying oct 7th, saying it didn't happen. I took screenshots in case i needed them in the future. Oh the foreshadowing.

About two months ago, a new person was invited to the friend group discord server. This new person made some pro hamas comments and said they were a resistance group. I explained with proof that Hamas has said that they wanted to kill jews. This was the start of a downfall of my friendship with my ex friends.

2 weeks after that, one of my ex friend vents about the war, and in their vent they dehumanized Israelis. I decided to check all my friends social media posts. I found post after post after post with blood libel, oct 7th denial, antisemitic tropes, dehumanization of Israelis and jews, and posts in support of groups which want jews dead, such as the houthi which have "curse to jews" in their slogan. That new person added to the discord server literally sent a few messages explicitly saying that they support the houthi.

I take a few days to process things and decide enough is enough, and that I need to unfriend them all. I email my local synagogue and get accepted to join after being screened by them to verify that I was in fact jewish and not some antisemite wanting to harm the congregation. I end my friendship with my ex friends with an essay of a message stating what they said, why it was antisemitic and that I do not feel comfortable or safe being friends with them anymore.

Two of them reached out to me to try to fix things. One hasn't really done much, she only didn't ask if my family was safe after Oct 7th + never called out any antisemitism the friend group did. However our friendship could not be repaired as her boyfriend was one of the worse perpetrators of antisemitism.

The other one who reached out supported groups who had tied to Hamas. I asked them to no longer support SJP, and they refused with the excuse of "I already avoid so many activist groups because of white supremacy, it's too hard to avoid SJP. I had to bite my tongue. I wanted to scream at them "why the actual fuck are you attracted to so many groups who engage in white supremacy that you need to actively avoid them? How hard is it to avoid one more! Write a fucking list if you need help remembering!" But I didn't say any of that, I just told them that if that's their choice then we can no longer be friends anymore and I blocked them.

Going to synagogue was amazing. I felt so welcomed and have made some new friends. Reconnecting with my jewishness after not going to synagogue for years was good. It was exactly what I needed. However, it was the cause of the end of my relationship with my ex.

He had his parents force his culture on him since he was a child and hated every second of it. When he immigrated here, he assimilated and wanted nothing to do with the culture from the country he was born in. Whilst he was fine with me participating in jewish culture, he didn't want it brought into the relationship at all. He was fine eating jewish food if i cooked it, but he didn't want to learn about jewish culture or do anything regarding it. I wasn't expecting him to convert, all I wanted was for him to learn the basics about jewish culture, maybe surprise me with some recipies from my childhood like I've done with sri lankan recipies from his childhood when he told me that he's craving them, attend jewish markets when they happen. I did not at all expect him to convert or to become immersed in jewish culture, I just wanted him to make an effort to support my jewishness.

We were looking at marriage and children in the next few years and were discussing how to raise them. I wanted them to learn about their jewish culture as children and it would be up to them if they participated in it or not as they got older. He didn't want that at all. He viewed it as them being "indoctrinated" into judaism. I told him that I feel like he just wants to date some white girl who has a default culture of our country and that I could never be that, I would never throw away my jewishness to be that. And he agreed that he did want someone who just had the default culture of our country. So we broke up. To be fair, I had been thinking about breaking up for months due to other issues, but that was the one which made me go "this relationship cannot be fixed, it has to end or I will be unhappy forever".

On its own, it doesn't seem too bad, but after going through so much antisemitism, the one person who is support to support me, who is suppose to love me, couldn't do that as long as I was actively jewish and participating in jewish culture.

And that's not even a complete list of everything I have gone through since Oct 7th. And I can't make this post without mentioning the amazing jews in my phone, who have been there for me since the start. You have made this hellscape bearable.

Like I said, goyim don't know what it has been like for jews since Oct 7th

[leah-lover]

Closed for maintenance. Leah williamson × reader.

This is part 2. I took a gamble on the ending. If you don't like it tell me so that I can change it.

PS: thank you for all the support ❤️❤️.

I woke up the next day with a painful headache. The light painfully affected my eyes as soon as I opened them. At first I didn't take in my surroundings, all I thought about was the pain. Then suddenly it all came back, the party, the drinks, Leah, the kiss. Holy shit Leah I kissed Leah. “Oh no why do I do this why the hell do I always do this. Fuck.” I cursed at myself. Then I jolted up. This is not my room, it's probably Leah's. I quickly inspected the room, no longer feeling the pain in my head as I was preoccupied with the trouble I got into. I then noticed a note that said “ good morning beautiful, come join me in the kitchen.” 

I got up to refresh my hair. I was still in yesterday's clothes, so I just tidied myself and went out to join her.

I was met with the cutest sight in the world. Leah blasting ABBA, dancing and cooking what looks like eggs. With the biggest smile on my face I said “ good morning cap.”. She embarrassed turned down the music and replied “ good morning to you sleepy head, you were drunk last night so I brought you home I am not sure if you remember “

“ I do remember everything despite the earth shaking headache I am experiencing right now.” I added, which made her nervous. 

“ Leah the pan it's burning.” I pointed out. “Shit. Oh god. What are we gonna do?” she said while putting the pan in the sink.

“ Well I guess the girls are having brunch, maybe we should join them.” I suggested, afraid of the outcome of us being alone.

“ Good Idea I am gonna go get ready you tell the girls we are coming together, I mean yeah…., not together like in the same car I guess.” She blurred out while going up the stairs.

On our way to the restaurant Leah seemed nervous, she kept fidgeting with the console not knowing what to do. I just ignored the tension and stared at the window.

Once we arrived we were greeted by Katie. “ Look who just showed up in yesterday's clothes late.” She said,

“ Katie fuck off please and thank you.”She replied, ushering me to an empty seat and pushing the chair out for me. “Such a gentleman “ said Katie, which earned her a stern look from Leah.

The conversation flew rather quickly, and the girls grew tired and started to leave one by one. After a while I was left with Leah alone.

“ We need to talk about what happened yesterday, it is eating at me.” She started, “ it , you, have been eating at me since you joined. You are one of if not the most beautiful human beings I know. You are kind, sweet, and confident. You are a leader and a good friend. I ….” She added before I stopped her when I put a finger on her mouth. 

“ I need you to listen to me Leah. I can't let this go far. I have been in a relationship with my teammate. It has ruined my career. I left Chelsea because of my relationship with Niamh. I lost friends because they were hers first. I was left alone. I like the family here at arsenal. I don't want to lose that. Plus my heart is closed. I don't want a relationship. I can't handle a relationship right now.” I said with tears falling down my cheek.

“hey it's okay. It's not gonna be like that. Here at Arsenal what is mine is theirs. We have formed a group with Katie, Caitlain, Lia, Alessia,and Steph. What is mine is theirs and vice versa. That fact is known within the team. They won't only be my friends they will be your family. You won't be isolated. If god forbid something happened. Do you understand me?” She said, nervousness was apparent  on her face.

I stayed quiet for a moment, not knowing what to say or what to do. “ If you are not up to it that's okay.” She said, worry in her face. “ I don't know what to think. Maybe I just need to understand more.” I replied.

“ Let's go to  Katie's house, there you will understand.” She added, grabbing my hand and leading me out of the restaurant.

And right then and there a new chapter in my life began.

[olderthannetfic]

Being a trans man and not being an anti is also isolating, which is part of why I think trans guys gravitate towards either being an anti or reposting anti posts. If you're not an anti, you get booted from discord servers, blocked on social media at best or sent misgendering rape threats, death threats and suicide bait by other trans men at worst, and now that I'm in college I've found IRL that not being an anti makes a lot of people in queer spaces available to the average college student incredibly uncomfortable. So you have to either be entirely alone - which is very difficult when you're young, queer, and just coming into your own identity - or you have to be around it a lot without saying a word. Agreeing with it at first wouldn't even be necessary. You just have to not say anything against it, and then you'll be able to be around other people.

It doesn't help that most trans men who get sucked into anti circles are teens at the time. There's 501 proposed anti-LGBT laws right now, not counting everything that has passed, the majority of it anti-trans. If you're a teenage boy seeing all this transphobia on the rise, you're going to feel powerless. Bullying people like antis do makes you feel power over at least a few people. Being told you can consume your way into being a good person via media intake makes you feel like you have power and control over at least that.

I was sucked in incrementally because I wasn't exposed to the more violent antis who fantasized about murder and hurting people for writing fiction, I met my only friend - who was an anti - after my dad had beaten me for coming out as trans, and I was sixteen. I got out when I was eighteen because once I went to live with my mom, a psychologist, she gently corrected me when I would say things that aren't based in fact. She pointed out how upset these people were making me. She taught me how to fact-check claims and look into the veracity of claims.

And when I tried to convey to my friends that no, what they were saying wasn't supported, they turned on me. Including the only person who had been there for me when I was hatecrimed, who had reached out to me specifically because she met me what day. I lost every friend I had in roughly 30 hours.

If I hadn't had a really great mom, a very intelligent rabbi who's well-versed in psychology and is a former lawyer who saw the "fiction made me do it" excuse used to defend heinous crimes and doesn't buy it, and an older half-sister who lived through people calling her a psycho lesbian because she's a lesbian who played D&D, listened to metal and dressed Goth in small-town Montana in the 80's/90's, I would have probably killed myself. Having those three people who accepted me and did not accept this extremist rhetoric kept me sane and repaired my self-esteem enough to keep me going.

But a lot of people don't have three adults who are intelligent, supportive, and know better than to fall for this faux-psychology. A lot of people don't even have one. Often, they have unsupportive people who also believe firmly in the faux-psychology of "if you watch a thing you'll do that thing IRL". So there's not only no one hauling them out of this, it's getting reinforced.

Being a non-anti who is a trans man gets me a lot of shit from a lot of people online and offline. (As other anons have mentioned during the ace discourse, online talking points come up on college campuses and in real life, because the internet is not an alternate dimension, it is something being used by the people around you who exist in the same physical space as you.)

A reality that I don't think people want to discuss is that trans men, just like all other people of all other genders, suffer a lot of psychological distress if they're put in a position where they have no support. I sure as fuck wasn't happy being in a position where I went from having tons of online friends, discord servers I could hang out in and fandoms I associated with good vibes to none of that, plus harassment, plus massive misgendering.

It's a lot less awful of an existence to be a trans man and an anti when you're young and need community and support than it is to not be an anti and be isolated. And humans gravitate towards the least awful option 99% of the time.

--

Yuuup.

Having some kind of real support network, usually offline but at the very least not randos you met a day ago on discord, is vital and is the difference between not only whether you rot in a pit of antidom forever but in stemming the massive flood of trans teen suicides. The overall queer rates aren't great, but the specifically trans rates... they're bad. They're so, so bad.

[thrashkink-coven]

One aspect about being a Luciferian that I think is seldom talked about is how you will be demonized by people you know and love in real life.

The other night Lord Lucifer visited me in a dream. I was at the thrift store looking at books, as I usually do, and I saw this beautiful bright red leather bound book named “Lucifer before he rose”.

It was about his time as a God of the Underworld and the demonized adversary, about how he was hated and isolated. How the people he loved most were used against him. How he was shunned through lies and propaganda. One page that stuck with me was one with a beautiful illustration of him heartbroken at the bottom of a chasm. Beside it read:

“I am the prince that all things pay for being,

The shadow on the world, thrown by the world

Standing in its own light, which light God is.

So first, when matter I was, I was called Change,

and next, when life began, I was called Pain,

and last, when knowledge was, I was called Evil,

Nothing myself, except to give a name

To these three values, Permanence, Pleasure, Good,

The Godward side of matter, life, and knowing.”

(I know this quote comes from something I must have read recently but I can’t recall where)

and on the page adjacent it read:

“Lucifer will not know his brothers,

never will he hear the voices of his sisters,

they turn their backs towards him and behold the light of God.”

and the last thing I remember reading was something like “Lucifer before he rose, was hated.”

That dream was at the front of my mind the whole day, and it became all the more clear as to why Lucifer sent it the day went on.

I was supposed to celebrate Thanksgiving with my brothers, however, my mom will not allow my younger brother to be near me. He’s not allowed in my house because my mom doesn’t want him to be “corrupted” by me. Coming from an extremely religious household means that the majority of my family doesn’t fuck with me. They’ll do whatever they can to hurt or make things harder for me because they don’t have control over me anymore. The only thing they can do to me is take away the little that I have left. The only real hope I have at a blood familial connection is with my brothers. My older brother and I had a nice thanksgiving together, but it was just the two of us, no one else.

At this point I’m very used to not having a family. I’ve surrounded myself with people I can depend on and that I know love and respect me. It’s just on days like this when I remember that I truly am everything that they hate, that they would see me burn in hell if they could, that they want me and my friends dead, see me as a contagious disease, that I start to feel lonely.

I feel very comfortable in my craft, with how open I can be. But the reality is that I am hated, I will be for the rest of my life, even after I rise, I am destined to fall, like him. Somehow that makes me feel more safe with him, like he’s the only one who really understands.

I already made a post about this, but last night while I was ✨crying✨ by myself on the balcony, I felt his presence engulfing me like a hug. and I was listening to “I won’t hurt you” by The West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band. It felt like he was talking directly to me.

“My pale blue star

My rainbow, how good it is

To know you're like me

Strike me with your lightning

Bring me down and bury me with ashes

I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you.”

[silentglassbreak]

Fragmented

Noah Sebastian x OFC

I’M BACK BABY.

You didn’t actually think I wasn’t going to write Noah and Leena’s wedding, did you?! What kind of monster do you think I am?? LOL I hope you enjoy.

Taglist: @flowery-mess @lma1986 @myownthoughts12 @poisongirl616 @missduffsblog @reidsblessing @malerieee @jilliemiw86 @thisbicc @xx-like-a-villian-xx @diabolicdiatonics

Epilogue

Who decides what a flower is named? Who looked at a flower and said ‘rose’, or ‘tulip’, or ‘daisy’? Whoever was in charge of that was a strange individual.

These thoughts ran through my mind as I stared at a bundle of black pansies. Thats what I mean; who the fuck named these flowers?!

It was easier to think about that, than feeling the pitting fear in my gut. The last six months had been dream-like. Leena agreeing to marry me, and being over the moon and showing her ring off to everyone. She had been so busy during this time, planning and preparing for Laura to have the baby (which she did last month), I felt as though I only saw her in blurs.

She was always running, but what made it acceptable was that she was no longer running away from me. When the days finally relaxed, that’s when she found her way home, into bed, where no one else had her attention but me. She spent her free time gushing about the wedding plans, and making sure everything was perfect.

She had near complete creative control over the wedding, given that was her day anyway. I just wanted full planning control over the honeymoon. She had hesitantly agreed, but I knew she wouldn’t be disappointed.

We would spend a week in a cabin in Denali, AK, during the season where there is just enough sunshine to melt the snow. We would do whatever she wanted while we were there, but the cabin would be fully stocked in case we didn’t plan to leave. Isolated. Off the grid. A whole week, buried in the woods with her. Hiding from the rest of the world.

It sounded surreal. Like the best case scenario I could ever dream of.

Addie would stay with her Dad for the week in Seattle. The only part I had to really play was completed and set, so I felt a small lift of relief.

That is, until I realized it wasn’t the only part I still had to play.

There were no second thoughts or concerns. My feet were as warm as they could possibly be, and everyone knew that. I wavered none.

Mileena was my endgame. She was everything I would ever need. The woman had me so far under a spell of need and desire - pure unfiltered love and devotion. It was supernatural. A phenomenon very few get to experience in their lifetime. I would do whatever I could to ensure she was mine until our last breaths.

My nerves, however, persisted through the excitement and set in a deep-rooted anxiety. What if I screwed up? What if I still wasn’t good enough? What if she realized that a pathetic, unstable, foolish wretch like myself had captured her light, and ran?

I’m no fool; I know I’m a good man. I just know that she’s better, and that’s terrifying.

I was pulled from my thoughts when a large hand clapped me on the shoulder.

“You alright over here, mate?” I turned to see the long, dark-haired Brit staring at me, a contagious smile on his face.

It was ironic, given that I was once foolish enough to be concerned and jealous of him.

“Hey Oli.” I gave him a calm smile. “I’m good, just a little anxious.”

He nodded, his eyes crinkling at the edges.

“Well, fuck yeah you should be! You’re getting married!”

Letting out a hard breath, my eyes glanced around the room. People were filing into their seats and stopping to say hello to me and the guys, who were properly lined up behind me.

I looked back at Oliver, taking note of his black, jeweled suit. “I’m glad you came, man.”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side.

“I wouldn’t miss it, brother. You and Mileena are the closest example of real love I’ve seen in a while. You’re a lucky man.”

This made my teeth show with how wide my smile stretched. “You’re absolutely right.”

“I’ll see you after the ceremony, alright? Just breathe, remember your lines, and cry if you fucking can, man. They love that shit.”

I cackled, slapping his arm. “Will do.”

-

Every passing second was painful. We were lined up, ready and willing as ever to witness her show her face. My palms were dampening at an alarming rate, and I continued to swipe them across the thigh of my tuxedo.

“Calm down, Noah. It’s almost time.” Nick’s voice directly behind me whispered, and I felt the lump in my throat form. “You’ve got this.”

My eyes looked down at my shoes, shiny and black, exactly how they should be. The carpet I stood on was a deep crimson, off-setting the white accented patterns everywhere.

The first notes began to play, and my eyes squeezed shut.

This was it. This was where we finished it. This was forever.

First, Laura came down, Addison’s small body in her arms. Her beautiful, tiny black dress flowed, her hair braided and adorned with deep red roses. Laura approached, bringing Addie to me so I could kiss her cheek and give her a quick nuzzle to her nose. She smiled brightly at me, few teeth shining. An unbelievable image of her mother.

Taking her place on the other side of the altar, the music quickly changed, and I watched as Angel, black bow tie on his collar, came down with a white felted box in his teeth.

Uniform as ever, he marched proudly between the rows of seats, and came directly to Nick as he called. My best man took the box, and sat Angel directly next to him. He took a quick second to remove both rings, and stepped across the stage to hand Laura hers. He placed a swift peck on her lips, and patted Addie on the head.

Then, the Officiant stepped forward.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the bride.”

Standing quickly, everyone’s heads turned toward the end of the aisle, and my eyes instinctively dropped to the floor. I had to breathe. I had to keep my composure. I couldn’t slip now. It was fucking showtime, and I never got nervous.

Hearing the crowd gasping and cooing signaled she was coming, and I couldn’t fuck this up now.

Taking a half of a second to will my breathing to steady, I swallowed my stress, and glanced upward, hands tucked neatly behind my back, and legs shoulder width apart. I was ready.

Except that when my eyes caught her, I almost toppled right then and there.

Make no mistakes, Mileena was stunning in every form; made up, dressed down, straight out of a shower or sick as a dog. Didn’t matter. She was breathtaking - always.

But right here, in this very moment, my knees were going to buckle at the sheer sight of her.

Long, midnight hair hung in large, loose curls down her shoulders. Slender streaks of deep red strands hid within the curls. That was new. The stark white dress she wore flowed loosely below her hips, but was impossibly tight around her rib cage, black lace wrapping her midsection in a harsh corset. Her dress was modest, a high neckline coming to wrap around her throat. Lace black sleeves covered the length of her arms, and in her hands she held a variety of black pansies and roses.

All that was lovely, but what made the air rush from my lungs was her eyes. Staring directly at me.

These people, the nearly one hundred bodies all staring at her as she flowed effortlessly down the aisle, holding her Dad’s arm for support, were lost on her.

She could only see me.

Mileena’s eyes were not what I expected. Fear? Nerves? Second thoughts?

None.

They were sure. They were steady. They were all for me.

My chest began tingling, my hands beginning to fidget in anticipation. I wanted to get my hands on her. I wanted to touch her face, feel she was real.

“Who gives this woman to this man?”

Her dad squeezed her hand, smiling down at her.

“I do.”

He kissed the back of her hand before giving me one last, stern look. Taking his seat, I took her fingers in mine and led her up to me. Her lips were turned up in a smile that I had never seen. I couldn’t place what it was, but it was blinding.

The words being spoken about our gathering, and why we were here were mute to me. I couldn’t stop looking at her, hands in mine, and admiring how absolutely perfect she was. No flaws. No hesitation.

How the fuck did I manage this? How did I get this fucking lucky?

“Noah, your vows?”

It occurred to me that I was being spoken to, and I had to pull myself from the bubble I had built around her and I.

Realizing what was expected, I smirked, nodding my head. “Right, sorry.”

There were small giggles in the crowd.

I cleared my throat, and regained eye contact with her.

“Mileena Jane,” Her face softened, fingers squeezing mine. “You would think that given my profession, I’d be good at this kind of thing.” She raised an eyebrow. “But I’m not, so please, forgive me if it’s awful.”

Rolling her eyes playfully, she squeezed m my hands again encouragingly.

“I met you during the darkest time of my existence. I was a drunk, disgusting mess when you found me. Although I had never expected anyone to be willing to put up with me long enough to fix me, you still picked me up, and put me back together.”

Her expression turned to some kind of surprise. I kept breathing, working my way through it.

“You’ve given me everything I could ever ask for, and I admit, I’m greedy enough to accept all that I can. You are my absolute light.”

Her eyes were welling up, and I felt slightly proud.

“So, today, I make these vows to you. I vow to protect you at any and all possible consequence. I vow to be faithful, to be fair, and to always bear the weight of our burdens. I vow to never let anyone or anything come between this love we’ve found.”

The tears began slipping down her face.

“I vow to be yours, until the last breath I take…” I let a smirk pull my lips. “even if you’re the one taking it, because I forgot to switch over the laundry.”

A harsh laugh choked out of her, and she brought one hand to her lips.

It took her a moment to compose before the Officiant turned to her.

“Mileena?”

She was wiping a single tear from her eye, working hard to not smear her makeup. She giggled.

“I should’ve gone first, because I straight up do not know how to follow that.”

The crowd laughed, and I grinned brightly at her. Her hand rejoined mine and she sighed loudly.

“Oh Noah,” She shook her head lightly, a knowing look on her face. “I don’t think, throughout this time we’ve spent together, you really understand how much you’ve healed me. Having our love, and this life we built, is the only reason I breathe. The only reason I am here today, is because you busted your way into my life, and pulled me from the reclusive shell I had hid in for years. For that, you will never understand how grateful I am.”

The familiar sting began in my eyes, and I remembered Oli’s words. I would let them fall. She deserved to see every last vulnerable second.

“Noah Sebastian Davis,” I inhaled, waiting. “today I make these vows to you. I vow to be your rock. Your ground. The voice that brings you down when the fame goes to your head.” She smirked at me, and the crowd laughed. The first tear fell from my eyes.

“I vow to be your absolute peace. I vow to be steady, never wavering from this place as your partner. I vow to do my best to keep you sane, despite the way I know you’ll fight me.” I squeezed her hands, tears now streaming. “I vow to always be yours, and nothing less. Until my dying day, I vow my life to you.”

-

We had less than five minutes until the reception started, and we had to make a grand entrance. However, Leena had plans that had to be attended to before we could go anywhere.

She had me pinned up against the wall behind the door of the reception hall, lips attached to mine in a passionate, heated kiss. Her hands were gripping the lapels of my tux in a death grip. My arms were wrapped around her waist, savoring the feeling of her body pressed against mine.

“Do we skip out and head to the hotel? I need you so fucking bad.” Her mouth breathed against my neck as she spoke.

As much as my cock loved that idea, stirring from its place inside my boxers, I gripped her arms, separating us slightly.

“How badly I wish we could, my love. But Laura will murder us both if she doesn’t get to make her speech.”

She groaned, pressing my leg between hers.

“Worth it?”

I chuckled, brushing a stray lock of her hair behind her ear.

“Let’s go, baby. I promise, it’ll be worth it.”

Making our way into the reception, guests applauded as we walked to our table.

The speeches were first. The champagne toast (sparkling water for Leena and I), was complete, and we gave our own speeches seamlessly.

It was time for the first dance, and I smiled at Mileena.

“Ready?”

Her eyes scanned the small stage. “I am, but where’s the DJ?”

The stage was vacated, only a few stray instruments laying across it.

Mileena had planned for our first dance to be set to ‘If I’m There’, played by the DJ. However, unbeknownst to her, I had other plans.

“Oh, he’s on a break. I asked someone else to help us out.”

She raised her eyebrows at me, clearly annoyed that I had changed the plan without her knowledge.

“Where’s my happy couple?” The accented voice rang through the speakers, and her head snapped over to see Oliver stood on stage, suit jacket discarded, and smiling at us. “Ready for your first dance, love?”

Her mouth fell agape.

Nick, Jolly, and Folio climbed the stage, grabbing their respective instruments.

“What is this?”

“I thought you’d like to dance to your real favorite song.”

She was stunned. “What do you mean? If I’m There is my favorite.”

I grabbed her hand, leading her out of her chair. “It’s your favorite Omens song. It’s not your favorite song of all time.”

I could see the gears turning in her head.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for the first time, Mr. And Mrs. Davis!” Oli’s voice rang out and the guests cheered.

I pulled her onto the floor, and I could see the look of adoration on her face as the guys began the opening chords, Oliver’s voice melodic as ever.

“My head is haunting me, and my heart feels like a ghost. I need to feel something, cause I’m still so far from home.”

When recognition hit her face, her eyes teared up again. Wild of her to think I didn’t know her favorite song.

I pulled her body in close to mine, eyes meeting hers, and smiled warmly.

“Cross your heart and hope to die. Promise me you’ll never leave my side.”

She sniffled. “Noah, I can’t believe you did this.”

“Show me what I can’t see when the spark in my eyes is gone. You got me on my knees. I’m your one man cult.”

Leaning down to speak directly into her ear, I whispered. “I would do anything for you.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die. Promise you I’ll never leave your side.”

She swayed with me, eyes glancing over to Oliver every so often. Her own private performance entrancing her.

“Cause I’m telling you, you’re all I need. I promise you, you’re all I see.”

Leena’s Dad lead Laura out onto the floor. Andy pulled Juliet. Matt pulled his girlfriend Sarah. All of the couples beginning to join us.

“Cause I’m telling you, you’re all I need. I’ll never leave.”

A fierce smile broke out onto her face as the song crescendoed.

“So you could drag me through hell, if it meant I could hold your hand.”

Our bodies kept up with the tempo.

“I will follow you, cause I’m under your spell. And you can throw me to the flames.”

“I will follow you. I will follow you.”

Her head came to rest on my chest, breathing into the side of my neck.

“I love you so much, Noah.”

I smiled, leaning my cheek against her head.

“I love you too, Mileena.”

So you can drag me through hell, if it meant I could hold your hand.

I will follow you, cause I’m under your spell.

And you can throw me to the flames.

I will follow you.

I will follow you.

[caprisunnydays]

Adventures of a not so average Voxtech employee : Chapter 1

You're an average corporate slave in hell to the most popular place of Voxtech. However, will you continue to be a basic worker when you slowly are entangled in your boss's personal situations?

Most of these chapters will be kinda stand alone, though connected through an over arching story, more on my ao3 when I can!

Word count : 1.7k

Life in hell wasn’t THAT bad. Well, it was still hell, but you’d come to appreciate the afterlife you’d made for yourself. Considering the unfortunate circumstance, you were able to find comfort in the twisted familiarity. It felt like being trapped in a tidepool, where the ebb and flow of the water brought fleeting moments of relief from the frigid depths. Yet, in this hellish existence, there was no escape from the relentless cycle. At times you weren’t drowning in the anguish of your existence, but just like the ocean's chill, you felt a constant, dull pain. But things had been worse before you got this “job”.

You had no purpose for quite some time. Running around in search of suitable shelter each night, scavenging for food, and busting your ass to avoid bigger, more powerful demons was no way to live. Even now, you were new to hell. It had only been about a year since you died and fell into this horrid place, and for a few months, you were scrambling for a scrap of stability. Then in a turn of luck, you landed a job as a janitor in a Vox tech store, then worked your way up the totem pole (which wasn’t too hard when the boss of that store fired and killed people left and right if they looked at her funny) to where you sat today. 

A cubicle in Voxtech’s news script writing department for!

MUCH better than when you had no job and no place to sleep! Now it was just a 5-minute walk to the Voxtech building from your apartment every morning, work until you’re done, and hopefully get back home before 3 am! You weren’t so lucky this time, but you had accidentally fallen asleep on your 30-minute lunch break and turned it into an hour and a half, so maybe the overtime was karma. 

You sat hunched in your chair, a fluffy blanket from home wrapped around your shoulders, and the taste of cold coffee was on your tongue as you typed corrections on the last of your assignments. When you discounted the burn of the blue light in your eyes, you entered a meditative state that combined focus and dissociation into the killer combo known as your “work mode”. It got you through the days, nights, and mornings you spent doing overtime with no extra pay. Your eyes wandered to the clock in the corner of your screen.

3:15 am

Eh, not as bad as it could be.

Even once you finish this, you’ll probably end up sleeping in your makeshift office bed, which consists of your blanket and a flat-ass pillow being shoved under your desk so you don’t have to deal with going home just to come back in 3 hours. You stretch, pushing your rollie chair away from the desk and groaning at your stiff joints. You stood up and looked over the rows of dividers to see empty cubicles. This was probably the first time in forever that you had been the only one in the office, even at this late hour. The glowing of your singular computer screen and the hum of the AC bordered something you’d see on a Lofi study video, bringing a sense of comfortable isolation to your dead heart. That was until you heard the clicking of shoes against the office floor and doors being slammed.

“Mother FUCKING useless pieces of shit! The one day they say they can come in for maintenance checks and their sorry asses flake AGAIN?! I swear to Satan I’m sending someone to burn down that company for making ME do this bullshit myself because like hell am I gonna deal with shit in my company not working and costing me money-”

 You froze at the aggressive rambling as it approached your station. You slowly sat back down and turned off your computer, sitting silently. Your fingertips brushed the handle of your bat, which you kept under your desk for cases like this. In case one of those nut jobs with much less sanity than you decided to throw themselves in the building and go on a rampage. You gingerly picked the weapon up as the angry ranting got closer. The footsteps crescendoed until a figure was nearing the opening of your cubicle, and you shot up, bat drawn back ready to swing.

The TV demon screamed, jumping back in a laughably cartoonish way, arms over his face and one leg off the ground. His screen buffered, his scream lagging while a code ‘HOLY SHIT’ flashed across his screen.

“AH SHIT! What the fuck are you doing here?” You stood there in the dark for a beat, before putting the bat under your desk and turning your computer back on.

“Work.” You yawn and sit back down. You accessed the man, your brain slowly catching up to reality despite its drowsy fog. 

TV demon…loud…angry…oh shit this is my boss.

In your entire time working for this man, you seldom saw him in the flesh…or, circuits rather. That made sense, he’s VOX. Owner of Voxtech, one of the most powerful overlords in hell, and from what you could tell, a workaholic. He built this empire that you only played a minuscule part in. It was something to marvel at, if you thought about it deeply enough, but you also knew he had a habit of slaughtering anybody disrupting the machine he kept so well-oiled. Maybe that’s why the manager of your department was such an asshole all the time, but you’re sure that she was born to play the role of a narcissistic, cold-hearted bitch. All that aside, you didn’t want to set off the big man who controlled your life standing right next to you, so you just sat in your chair, awkwardly waiting to be spoken to again.

“And your “work” has you sitting in the dark with a bat like a lunatic?” He groaned and rubbed his face. “I mean seriously, I’m surprised you’re still here when I specifically told everyone to get their asses out of this office before 3am.” You squinted in confusion. You were never usually told to leave by a certain time. Everyone above you 

ALWAYS wanted you and the other corporate slaves working around the clock to keep making money. You quickly opened your email.

Nothing about that in there.

Maybe they had an announcement that you just didn’t hear? But you’d been working your ass off the whole day and didn’t-

They had a meeting while I was asleep on my lunch break and NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT IT?! These people really are fake as hell.

You knew not getting screamed at and almost killed by your boss for your unprompted nap was strange. She must have just let it slip so you’d have to deal with someone much worse. Vox was looking down at you with a furrowed brow and tapping foot. You considered your options, and the most rational thing you could think of was just to try and slowly extract yourself from the office. You grabbed your phone and turned off your computer, keeping your gaze down as you attempted to creep away.

“I am looking right at you, stop trying to sneak away as if I can’t see you.”

Well, there goes that plan.

Halting your movements, you began mentally preparing to be maimed. After all, it wouldn't be the first time that happened to you in this office. Your manager handed out physical punishments like candy, and while she had never killed you and forced you to respawn, you had been given horrific injuries countless times. You turned back to Vox, studying his form in the low lighting. He didn’t look THAT mad, more like he was contemplating something. His scrunched expression morphed into a charming smile, the one he’s known for. Was he about to use his eye on you?

“I could use your help with this inspection I’ve gotta do. You know this place best after all.” It was not a question, and since you were just preparing for a second death, you’d take this option with no complaints. You gave him a nod and he clasped his hands together, before grabbing one of your shoulders. “Greaaaat,” His smile dropped, “Let's get this shit done with.”

You proceeded to show him around the office, stopping at places that could be hazardous and require maintenance. The lights, electricity, and everything else that made this unit function was in order. You were only checking the places that made this place run smoothly, but that was to be expected. You ended off your maintenance tour by turning on every single computer to make sure they were functioning. You had only gotten through three when suddenly the office exploded with white light. Vox shot you a cocky smirk.

“It’s much faster that way,” He held out his hand, blue claws sparking as tiny bolts of electricity danced between his fingers, “but your manual technique was cute enough.” He stomped and let electricity surge through the floor again to shut off all the computers. Then he scoffed and pulled out his phone, texting someone aggressively. “Thank god that’s over with. I’m out, you should be too.” He pocketed his phone and began striding out the door. “Oh, and thanks for the help or whatever.” 

Just like that, he was gone. A breath of anxiety pushed out of your lungs, one you weren’t even aware of until the pressure of Vox’s presence was lifted. You had expected much worse. After all, the consensus among you and your peers was that he was a massive prick. But at least he didn’t grab you by the horns and throw you around till they cracked like your manager.

“…mission successful.” As you mutter under your breath some passive-aggressive comments you'd like to say to your colleagues, you gathered your belongings to head back to your apartment. Nearly stumbling over your improvised bed, you briefly consider just crashing there for the night. Mentally though, you’re so far gone that you might end up doing yourself even more of a disservice by staying. “Fuck it, I’m going home.” You chug the rest of your watered-down coffee and throw the mug in the office kitchen sink. 

As you stepped out into the vibrant streets of the entertainment district, you savored the moment when you closed the back door to the Vees' headquarters. There’s nothing like the sound of the lock clicking when you turn your work key in the knob and head off for the night.

I'm gonna make multiple chapters and post em on Ao3 whenever I get around to working on it. Will post the link here!

[green-cinnamon-stick]

Louis De Pointe Du Lac: A Study on Memory

Okay this started off as me berating myself for watching "I Could Not Prevent It" before work. And devolved into revelations. So enjoy my sleep deprived ramblings. Spoilers ahead for S2.

Okay why the fuck did I watch this episode knowing I have a week of hell at work ahead of me? Because now I'm spiraling going through the tag on Twitter. There is SO much nuance added to Loustat. And after hours upon hours of the manipulation that is Loumand, to finally have Loustat again is driving me mad. Because we got them back but at what cost? This isn't them and because so much of Paris is laced with Armand, it's hard to tell what's real from what we think is real. Hell Armand said the very same. But I don't mean the obviously not real elements like the trial. I mean the times Lestat breaks character, but instead of adding to what Louis told us, it's almost a complete rewrite. Which brings into question how unstable Louis' mind actually is. Louis who is attentive and consistently praises Daniel for his memory. Daniel who is not a spring chicken and had a very serious drug addiction for almost a decade. The man whose memory shouldn't be as intact as it is. Why does he recall more than the vampire who's supposed to be better than humans. Yes time warps things but complete rewrites? Is Louis' brain and memory that fragile or is this more manipulation from Armand? Which also begs the question, how much is Armand doctoring Louis' memory? After the San Francisco episode they want us to believe if he can rewrite a week, he can do more. But what if he HASN'T done that much. What's Louis' actual mental decline and what's Armand? We also still have no explanation for Lestat outside of Louis potentially being schizophrenic...........holy shit I think I just answered my own question.

Schizophrenia is a genetic trait. I've been saying it's the trauma because I wrote off Paul as an anomaly in their family. But what if he's not? What if Louis' own schizophrenia was simply delayed BECAUSE of the vampirism. But time is catching up to him and the immortal blood can only do so much. "Law number 2: The Dark Gifts must never be given to the crippled." The law goes on to say it's because the gift should be bestowed on beauteous people as a laugh in the face of god. But time and time again we've heard it can't be given to children who are also considered crippled, because their brains can not handle it. It has nothing to do with beauty and everything to do with vampirism exacerbating issues. When Lestat made Louis he seemed of sound mind and body, and he was...because it hadn't started yet. And a vampire surviving brutal injuries in turn makes them stronger. Louis burns himself his first day. The fall was his first big recovery. Then the burning in SF. He's gotten stronger which keeps the decline at bay. But he's growing weaker living in that tomb of an apartment. Armand goes out but Louis stays home. Isolated.

He tried to break free with Daniel once. Here we are again and would you look at that...his memory is suddenly coming back clearer. Okay I need to sleep before I dig even deeper into whether or not I'm way off base or I've cracked the code.

[intheholler]

hii

so, i have nothing to do with appalachia or even america cause i come from alllll the way over the sea in this tiny town in england…but reading up on this blog or experiences online // my friends who have moved over here from the states has made me think abt the huge similarities in the gentrification and religious aspects from across the globe (and it’s happening everywhere, but this is just from a UK perspective)

theres lots of rich farmland and wealthy rural areas in england. but the further into the country you get, there are towns/places in deep deep poverty because of the dead industries (that goes into heavy british politics) or facing a severe homelessness crisis because everyone is building holiday villas and country retreats. **

we used to live on an old farm before the land got renovated to make space for two other houses along the road. i would find bricks and planks// wooden posts, barbed wire fences etc around which looked ‘eyesore’ (to quote my neighbour) because of how modern the surrounding area was. literally just grey shiplap. everywhere. there were neighbours who had lived there for decades trying to help out with the land; then upon realising that the only field left for miles was now a jumbo golf course, had to move away or got kicked out by the council cause they couldn’t afford to live there and ‘just weren’t needed anymore’. moving away & meeting others myself has made me realise how many people (esp large families) moved down to the overpriced city because they literally had no other option.

** every city has its surrounding land & when they begin bulldozing a village to make another coffee place, they don’t care about you, the land, the cost crisis, your job or your roots

and that’s just my experience in england, that’s not even to mention the rest of the UK (eg. the scottish highlands, most of wales, northern ireland)

but also the heavy religious aspects, the indoctrination, the isolation, churches being built over and turned into pubs/bars and still so many communities believing that it’s just the consequences of the countries sinners..

(and that’s just Christianity cause we all know how Britain has diluted and stripped so much culture and other religions down to nothing.)

god i love these asks from intl folks who note such similarities to appalachian socioeconomic/religious/political circumstances. i think it really highlights how much rural folks really understand each other in a way urban people just can't, and it gives me a nice sense of global solidarity (as much as the shared pains fucking suck)

this was really interesting to read, thanks so much for sharing and i'm sorry this took so long for me to reply to; it's been a weird few months

take care <33

[jayswritings13]

Total Drama: Mike and Mal Relationship Headcanons

Request: "Can I request dating headcanons for Mike and Mal from Total Drama?"

💗Masterlist | WIP Page

Mike

Very nervous

At first, you thought that it was just because he liked you and such.

You really didn't know too much about Dissociative Identity Disorder to suspect that.

Well, until Mike came out and told you himself.

"....So I take it that you're going to want nothing to do with me now?" Mike glanced away, bracing himself up for you're affirmation of his worst fears.

That he was someone not worth knowing.

That he was strange.

That he was c-

"What?! Of course not!" You said, "You mean a lot to me and a mental illness cannot change that. I want you to know that you have my full support." You paused, smirking a bit at him, "I'm an okay listener."

That was all he wanted: acceptance.

WORDS OF AFFIRATION

Mike is often very self deprecating and negative about himself, so hearing positive affirmations melts his heart and catches his attention like nothing else.

Pet names and nicknames are not so much Mikes thing

That, however, does not stop you.

"Babe, hand me that pencil."

"If Scott wants to fuck with you, then I have to fuck with him, hun. I don't make the rules!"

"You got this, sweetheart."

Mike likes to return the favor through acts of service.

Need help with putting together something? He may not be good at it, but he'll be there.

Sick with the flu? Already picking up cold medicine, soup, and movies to watch/fall asleep too.

Have to clean out your car? He's already done it and made sure to get it washed too.

"How are you so nice?" You laughed, grabbing another handful of popcorn out of the bowl you to shared.

"I don't know. Maybe you're just lucky." He grinned.

"I already knew that, hun. You smiled, "I consider myself very lucky."

"I am too."

Mal

Not to much surprise, he wasn't too shy or nervous about confessing feelings for you in the ways that you expect.

He is actually rather blunt about his thoughts and feelings

Which can lead to fights and arguments

"C'mon, how long are you going to freeze me out?" Mal groaned, rolling his eyes. "I was just honest."

"You called the dinner that I made shitty. I spent all day on that!"

"And I gave you an honest critique for next time. You're welcome!"

Don't expect any romantic or mushy stuff from him.

He is not only horrible at that type of stuff, but he's not interested in any of it.

Flowers? Please that shit turns to weeds faster than it took to grow them.

Cooking a romantic dinner? He can't cook anything that great, but if you want cereal, go for it.

Surprise trips? Hard to plan for trips with his unique situation between him and Mike.

However, this doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you.

He just shows it differently.

Mostly though quality time.

Mal makes sure that you know that he cares for you, but doesn't feel the need to say so excessively.

He mostly likes to spend time around you, even if not doing anything in particular.

And with him being introverted and isolating himself often, that is a huge compliment tbh.

On the other hand, he loves when you shower him with praise or any other words of affirmation.

No pet names though.

He absolutely hates them.

Which means that you love to use it to annoy him.

He knows what you're doing, but he falls for it everytime.

"Sweetie? Can you hand me that?"

"I hate you." Mal stated, handing you your phone.

"Ha! Yeah, okay." You laughed. "Totally believable."

[wrotelovelytears]

They stare cause they know

IT Girl from ATL

👀Honestly I'm grateful for this Saturn in Pisces transit. I've learned so much about myself and the world around me from isolation. I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy because my mental health has taken various directions and without this time completely alone, I would never have the personal understanding I do now.

‍💀This transit has been about learning to be alone and what it means to be oneself. I see this as a preparation for the Saturn in Aries transit which entails taking those lessons learned and helping others with it through leadership. And I will be starting my Saturn return then too

👀I've noticed as we get closer and closer to Neptune in Aries the world gets more and more... Violent. Like there's no other word to describe it but just pure malice floating in the air. While I could use only astrology to explain it, I'm not going to pretend like there's no big social things that happened that are also making the world this way. Ever since the beginning of the pandemic human behavior has taken a turn for the worse. Add in "forced" isolation from the masses and you get a world ripe for conflict. Yes Neptune is about illusions and honestly it shifting to a more active sign, yeah we might just have to take that L collectively.

👀 I also peeped we will have Aries ruling Neptune, the North Node and Saturn all at the same time at some point. Not saying the world gonna end or nothing, just saying prepare to see more of the current things you see.

👀 So are we gonna talk about how everyone was going the Age of Aquarius is gonna push society forward in good ways just to end up having degenerate behavior become the norm. I understand that Aquarius is the sign of change and "futurism" and it also is the sign of headassery individuality to extremes. Aries is more about individuals leading (ie group work) while Aquarius is more individuality rediscovered and using that to lead (being yourself and that making change). Unless we all course correct this newfound sense of hyper individuality the world is gonna get worse.

Y'all my sons

👀Since my solar return is coming up (this may or may not be posted around or on it), I want to reflect on my past solar return chart. (I will be using whole sign and sidereal chart as a heads up if your wondering why certain planets are in certain signs)

‍💀This time last year I was working two jobs at once, two separate times, I'm blaming my first house mars. Like I have never in my life made a decision so short sighted and yet I managed it because not only is my mars in my first house but Taurus as well. I'm stubborn already but when I was told it was impossible to do both, yeah I doubled down.

🤭That Taurus Mars also made me very conscious about my appearance and how I see myself. This wasn't a negative thing however, I've done so many things to change my appearance to fit the version of me I think is best. Including getting various piercings, doing another big chop (also didn't want long hair no more), buying clothes that made me feel attractive and saying more affirmations in the mirror. The biggest change (that I had little to do with) was finally achieving my body goals. With it being in a 29 degree, I believe this is almost certainly my final form.

‍💀I find it funny how my Moon is in the 22° (which is also the natal degree it's in) and in Cancer because when I tell you I fucking cried all the time and for everything. I did. I know I'm naturally very sensitive but it's like someone turned the dial up and broke it. This has led me to happy tears as well. I also did emotional eat a lot or vice versa. I think combining this with Taurus Mars did make me a little more suspectable to food and emotion related ups and downs.

🤭I also made a lot of progress in therapy due to just wanting to finally process and get over certain shit. I'm going to say the third house holding it is what made me more willing to talk. However this also led to me randomly remembering some tragic thing that happened to me at some random ass time and going "wow, that's kinda fucked... Whomp whomp".

‍💀The crazy thing about this entire transit year is starting it off with a head injury that's kinda led to some long-term neurological issues. Literally didn't even get a day into the year and got the shit knocked out of me because Aries wanted to chill in the 12th house.

🤭Even though I had to stop working due to multiple head and neurological injuries, I at least learned what jobs, bosses, and work environments I do and don't like. I also learned how to easily see when someone is not in my corner and rather be headstrong then correct.

‍💀My MC happened to be in Capricorn that year and yeah, I definitely worked my ass off. I wanted to focus on longevity and stability. That's honestly been my theme this year (and moving forward). That did mean I might've let my relationships struggle because I was working and constantly outside.

‍💀Back to appearance (let me be vain in peace), my Sun and Aphrodite transiting the 6th house probably played a big role in why appearance was so important to me. Having them being in Libra made it just double down.

💀As I am editing this I also have my Ascendant in the 6°, I already said my current sixth house is ruled by Libra so yeah. Being hot n sexy was my goal this year. I achieved cute and "uwu" in the end tho.

‍💀This has honestly been the first year (since I was like... 12) that I haven't had any type of romantic relationship, I think this leads back to Saturn being in Pisces mostly. I also think it's me having a Scorpio Venus (which happens in my natal chart) but in the seventh house. See that's squares my natal Venus despite being in the same sign. {Actually my whole chart this year squares my natal but that's not the topic at hand.} I honestly didn't know what to do in the beginning of the year, I wanted a relationship and understood how important they are to me (sorry I'm a romantic at heart, I love love and being in love. Transiting the seventh duhh) AND I did almost no work to seek one out partially due to things I had to work out from my past (there's that pesky Scorpio in me popping up). Anytime I was approached for a romantic partnership I automatically questioned the person's intent and if it was self fulfilling prophecy or my intuition being OP, I never had anything pan out. In the beginning that annoyed me and I realized one I wasn't done doing work on my lack of trust in people, two seventh house rules open enemies and them people did not have my best interest at heart.

‍💀My Jupiter was in retrograde which could've played a part in why I dropped most of the spiritual aspects of my life and tried to raw dog it. That was a terrible idea, I ain't never felt so lost before lmao. While I could have religious talks, the spiritual aspect was lacking. It was like belief without practice for me and that's not really believing. As the year is coming to a close I've been getting more "lucky" and spiritual again. I had to learn that certain aspects of my life just work and others don't. And that my definition of my religious beliefs are vastly different than what others of my faith might be.

🤭All in all I learned the lesson of the importance of individuality within community. Not community without individuality. Or individuality before community.

‍💀Another reason for my struggle with religion, spirituality and all that was Saturn being in my 9th house. My will to continue higher education and be involved in anything literally besides work was gone. Now my life long dream has been multiple PhDs but when I tell you I avoided any conversation around finishing my first degree, one PhD was looking real unattainable.

‍💀Saturn really beat my ass this year as it was also the ruler of current profection. Hopefully my luck will truly change (in literally every aspect of life at this point) by the time my Jupiter year comes around.

‍💀Another note about my third house Moon, I fell back in love with the things of my childhood. That included gaming, socializing (on my own accord), "weird core" related things like the backrooms and analog horror and so on. The moon transiting certain houses can honestly unlock new (or old) things about you that bring comfort.

‍💀I'm a fixed Dom in my natal chart so being a Cardinal Dom for a year has been very exhausting. I'm used to finishing and quickly learning things. The way I was constantly tested this year had me always on edge. I think it is a good thing however because even though I did end quiet a few things, I also picked (back) up even more things. This has been a year of change without bounds (thanks Aries Uranus ), change that was honestly needed.

‍💀My chart is also pretty evenly distributed. Like I wasn't lacking fire, earth, water or air which explain why change was whooping my water Dom ass. Yes I know water ain't still (even ice isn't unless absolutely 0), and damn how do the fire and air people live like this? I could barely take a break to process anything. I had to process on the move and always be on it.

🤭I'm hoping next year it's more relaxed and stable, I can't handle all this change and movement.

‍💀Funny how my PoF was in Leo fourth and I worked with kids. It was beyond rewarding because I witnessed everything from first steps and words to the start of public (or private) school.

🤭Ceres might have also played a role in how invested I was in my jobs and the children I worked with. However my ovaries might have been on one because I started wanting to have a baby myself and that really isn't a good decision at the moment.

🤭Ceres also might have helped me connect more with my own mother as well which surprised quite a few people but I'd say it's been worth it. Learning how to mother myself has been greatly useful and even helpful with understanding my own.

‍💀This year I found out that I'm Chinese, Japanese and Peruvian, through DNA testing (again). And while doing so caused both my parents to have an identity crisis, I knew of my Asian heritage and somewhat of an Indigenous one as well. Problem is the countries were all wrong from family stories. (At the end of the day I'm still Black, that hasn't changed at all). I find it unironic China and Tokyo conjunction in my 8th house while Inca (what I used as a Peru substitute) chills in my third (almost second). To further that China and Tokio trine my Ceres and yes it is my mom that's half Chinese Japanese (and Vietnamese but couldn't find nothing for Vietnam, we taking what we get). And Inca trine my Jupiter (which I personally associate with my Father because he's a Pisces). My parents on the other hand hate this news because it did bring up old things they wanted to bury in their past (8th house coming through). My only lasting question is how the hell-

💀See I had a strange aversion to taking pictures of myself and even moreso posting the ones I did take. Turns out my Photographica was conjunction my Saturn and opps with my Moon. Anytime I'd take a picture I'd automatically feel disgusted with it despite feeling "pretty". Self image has been difficult this year, despite a lot of improvement.

Asteroids mentioned: Ceres(4)(ur mom) , Photographica(443), Aphrodite(1388), China(1125), Inca(8275), Tokio(498)

This my first actual post in idk how long. This year was.. A lot for me on a personal and societal level. While astrology may not be my source of a ton of dopamine anymore, it's still an interest to me. There's so much organizing I have to do with this page, so please be patient with me as I try to get back into the swing of things.

(If you learned something new or would just like to support me you can leave a wittle tip via the tip button or one of the links in my masterlist. Kofi: nymphdreams🧸)

[jewish-vents]

My entire life, I've yearned for the kind of community the Jewish community and Judaism have provided me. I found out I had Jewish ancestry when I was a kid, I looked into it more later and realized my most recent Jewish ancestor (like three-ish generations back) was almost certainly forcibly converted out, and decided to convert to like. Make amends for that I guess and also because I really vibed with the holidays and how we turn up everywhere in history bc we keep doing cool stuff despite consistently shitty circumstances.

But I digress.

I have waited my WHOLE LIFE trying to experience the joy becoming Jewish has shown me, and that gets shit on constantly.

My sister has started making a truly obscene number of Jew jokes. My mom scoffs at all the 'nonsense rules' and has said repeatedly that she thinks choosing a 'restrictive' religion is dumb and I've made a mistake. She even said it's an insult to HER parenting skills that I would seek out religion after she tried to teach me to know better.

My dad is dead but I never ever in a million years would have told him even if he were alive, and my sister thinks it's funny to threaten to 'out' me as Jewish to his relatives even though they're basically KKK-adjacent so she actually enjoys threatening mg safety at this point. (Yay family right?)

My friends have turned everything into an Israel/Palestine discussion lately and I know damn well what they're doing when they start saying truly horrible shit about Israelis and looking at me. They get mad if I try to temper their extremism so I've given up. I barely talk to them anymore and I spend more and more time with other Jews from temple and I don't want to like. Isolate myself from all non-Jews I guess bc I've always felt like that leads to weirdness and perpetuates shit about Jews being unfriendly I guess idk?

Anyway I digress again. My point is I'm really sick of constantly being expected to tolerate it when people think I shouldn't be Jewish.

Other queer people think I'm somehow compromising my queer identity by being Jewish, leftists think I hunt Palestinian children for sport now apparently, right-wingers think I traffic good Christian babies for organ harvesting or some shit idfk, my friends think that if I'm not being more vitriolic in my hatred of Israel than they already are I'm some kind of secret rabid Netanyahu fan, my family think I've been recruited into a cult apparently and the only other people who show me even an ounce of compassion or regard are other Jews and Gd knows there's like ten of us and that number is unlikely to increase.

Just. Fuck. I've put blood, sweat, tears and money into this, I invested more time and emotional commitment into this than I have into going to college or choosing a career, I love it more than anything and have only loved it more the more I learned about it, and all I get when I express this or even just let slip that I am Jewish and chose to be, I get nothing but hatred. I will never understand how a religion that has spent all 5000 years of our existence minding our business and arguing about the same book over and over can possibly have offended this many people with our existence.

Dmn anon, that is a lot you're dealing with right now. I'm so sorry you're surrounded by people who clearly don't respect you. Because yes this is a lack of basic respect, and it is antisemitic. Now I don't know how old you are and how safe you are, but if you can safely do so, set very hard boundaries. Do not tolerate this amount of disrespect towards who you are. It is hard, and many of us have had to go through similar situations, as you can read all over this blog. But I think having to spend your life surrounded by people who make you feel unsafe and disrespected is worse. I know sometimes there are situations in which people cannot safely set these boundaries, I hope it's not your case, but if it is feel free to come here to vent again.

I know you don't want to isolate yourself from goyim. Many Jewish people don't want to. Sadly, when people disrespect us like this, they're the ones isolating us. It's not your fault. Seek people who love and accept you. Sadly, a good chunk of goyim won't - I'm not saying everyone, obviously, but a portion. Having a good Jewish support network seems to be more and more important, whether it's irl or online.

I hope you can soon be in an environment that's safer and more accepting

- 🐺

[illmetkismet]

for the character thing, the outsider?

🙏🙏🙏 thank you so much, and a please accept my preemptive apology for the essay this will probably become...

How I feel about this character: I was saving this one for last from the batch of asks I got for this game, because the Outsider is my specialest boy of all time 🥹 I played D1 and was like, 'oooh how fun and sexy, a mysterious Void god!' but then D2 happened with the whole Omelas-ass reveal and my brain melted like a caterpillar in its chrysalis into a soup of sadness and suffering from which the beautiful butterfly of my borderline-unhealthy obsession with the Outsider emerged. You can't just give me a character who's a metaphor for isolation, expulsion, and profound loneliness, and not expect me to pick him up and put him in my pocket forever. Do I project onto him? Over-identify, even? Yeah, shut up, so whaaaaaat? Aren't all of us trapped in a Void of our own, really? Who here hasn't been forever altered by the cruelty of others? And who among us isn't constantly sticking their fingers in the pie of life, poking around in there, hoping against hope to find some glimmer of goodness and hope and joy? Who isn't sick of all this shit and just wants to rest?? Ha ha as you can see I'm totally normal about him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Just Corvo. He fascinates the Outsider, he surprises him, he's the catalyst for the kind of moments the Outsider says he waits for (this is, crucially, a line you only get from him after the low chaos Burrows elimination). I think the Outsider's been searching for someone who won't disappoint him for such a long time, someone he could give a piece of himself to who won't turn around and do something terrible with it. Like.... Come on! That's it, for me. To love is to give yourself away a little bit, to be surprised when the person who receives that gift treats it with the seriousness and consideration it deserves. And that's Corvosider 🖤🖤🖤

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Billie's whole journey to find him, and the understanding she comes to about him means so much to me.... 100% they become friends post-DotO. Letting him live is her way of letting herself live, to put her past behind her and prove to herself, once and for all, that she's more than a killer. And for the Outsider, she's the one person who could best understand the truth of what he is, how he was made into what he is, because in a way she's had the same done to her. The world fucked them both over so hard and forced them into these untenable positions that caused them both so much pain.... Oh god I have to stop thinking about this. They're best bros for life, next question!

My unpopular opinion about this character: I definitely prefer D2 Outsider over D1. I know ppl were very invested into the whole whale god thing, but his human sacrifice backstory was what really did it for me. Plus I love the way Robin Lord Taylor voiced him - the Hollows speeches in DotO make me so fucking emotional... He does a great job of going from bitchy to breathily earnest, and the emotional whiplash that gives me is very fun. Plus the way he scrunches his nose a little sometimes! Aaaaaa D2 Outsider my favorite son!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Obviously I really really really wanted to see what he would get up to after he became human again, cause uh, I wrote a novel about it lol.... But one thing I really wanted to see, that I didn't even do myself, was for the Outsider to go meet Sokolov, finally, as a mortal. I think that would be such great closure for both of them: for Sokolov to see indisputable proof that the power he was chasing was terrible and cruel (something he realized for himself in his final years, but meeting the Outsider would have driven this home beautifully), and for the Outsider to conclusively put away his old fickle relationship with humanity. For both of them to see each other as human beings, to really understand how fucked up the way they related to each other was. I'd love that!

[chipped-chimera]

So, I'm a Lesbian I guess.

So uh, life update. I came out to my Mum, so I figured I'd do so here too.

I've done a bunch of self reflection, healing. I reached out to my ex and we had a good conversation and I think that just made everything even clearer for me.

So yeah, this is me saying I'm not bisexual. I'm lesbian. And I probably always was.

More context below the cut if you want it (it's long). But anyway, here's to finally feeling like I'm finding the real 'me' in all this rubble.

❤️🧡🤍💖💜

I thought I was bisexual for ages. The fact I even got to think that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my ex, who identified that way and I felt in a safe enough environment to express it. In the past two months I went through some self reflection, and talked to my ex for the first time in 2 years. It was good, and it's too complicated to explain easily but at least on my end I was getting a double dosage of the comphet juice between just regular expectations and the undiagnosed autism (also jesus christ, being a teenager in 2005-2010 that environment was just fucked up for anyone who might be trying to come to terms with not being straight). Kids in my school were more accepting, but also in the same breath using 'Gay' as an insult).

We were both undiagnosed neurodiverse people and maybe it was just the first time we'd encountered someone who just actually understood for once. Who saw who we were and were okay with that. The 10 year relationship, put in that context makes a lot of sense. So I don't blame him for how it ended. If anything I thanked him for breaking it off, because I was in such a goddamn state after being used by the Australian government (see Robodebt) there was no way in hell I had the mental tools or even brain space to realise anything about myself because I was too busy just trying to fucking survive. I would have lived and died in that relationship simply because at least it was safe, and stable. But it wasn't genuine.

Past two years since that relationship ended were fucking rough. For most of this year I kind of just turned into myself I guess, but I was letting it happen because after finding out about the high comorbidity of chronic health conditions with Autism and how it's likely related to long-term compound stress from masking for so long, I really asked myself when was the last time I just let myself 'rest'? Didn't do anything I didn't want to do or feel compelled to do because of some social contract or guilt?

I couldn't come up with an answer.

So I rested. And I think that's basically given me the strength now to finally 'wake up'. I dunno. That's how it feels. I only recently noticed my thoughts about women were structurally very different than the ones about men (and yeah it's goddamn fuckin' embarassing to say but uh thanks Larian specifically for giving me a female love interest tailored to my exact preference which FINALLY connected some dusty neuron in the back of my head or something. It was Karlach. MY GODDAMN GAY AWAKENING WAS KARLACH, ffs) and the more I examined it, the more everything became clear. I was hesitant to remove the bi label from myself, wondering if this was just a really extreme 'bi-cycle' swing but the more and more I thought about it, went through memories in my life, how I could never see myself with someone else it was always characters together and really it was the relationship and intimacy between them, regardless of gender that I was appreciating.

I thought I was grey ace but after going 'huh these thoughts are kind of different' and realising that yeah, I could imagine myself with a woman - it wasn't some weird other shit I'd told myself like it was just visceral self hatred or something, placing myself with a guy it was literally I did not want to be with a guy - it became obvious. So fucking, embarrassingly obvious.

I'm not sure where things will go from here. I am incredibly socially isolated in real life. My best friend is my Mum. I don't have a social circle at all outside of online spaces. I'm 30 and that's a fucking weird age to be thrown out into the world essentially experiencing goddamn delayed idk mental puberty because you suppressed it that hard. I haven't used a dating app in my LIFE. I'm still kind of scared of being hurt by others and I'm aware it's not entirely logical, but I just feel fragile. I'm also still picking up the pieces of my life.

I've confirmed a C-PTSD diagnosis with my psychologist, which explains why all the CBT tools I'd learned over the years just stopped working (CBT doesn't always gel well with PTSD or Autism) so that's probably going to inform treatment going forward. My intense fatigue issues are probably caused by having to carry all this fucking trauma and suppression of myself. As I said to my Mum, it's like I'm just 'Tired from being alive' at this point. I'm really, really fucking hoping it's not Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME. The new medication I'm on seems to be keeping me going past the 4hr mark though, so we might be onto the right medication mix (I do not appreciate the 7:30pm crash, like clockwork, where instead of feeling unfocused and tired like before I now feel jacked up as hell like I'm waiting for someone to punch me however :V)

I don't know where this is going. Or where I'm going. All I know is 'I'm going'. When the breakup first happened, when I hauled myself out of the Mental Health ward and back to my parents home where I had to figure out what the fuck to do after any kind of certainty of my future had been completely obliterated - I saw a lot of snakes. I'm kind of vaugely pagan, if I'm honest. I don't know how to put it. I am very scientific but I also don't think we know all the answers.

My ancestors were likely heavily Celtic, likely some Viking and Pictish influence as both family lines go back to Scotland and Ireland. I know through my reading that natural signs were important to them, so I start noticing when I see multiple occurrences, especially in odd places (I'll be real, I just remembered earlier in this relationship when I was more into pagan shit I saw a lot of Moths. Yeah. Yeah I feel like smashing my face into my desk about that. No I never figured it out then EITHER). I know quite a few things about snakes. Snakes are an animal that is both used as a symbol for medicine, but also classed as 'evil', especially in the modern christian context.

They are considered symbols of rejuvenation, of immortality, much like the Phoenix, they are constantly reborn through the shedding of their skin. Shedding is critical to a snake, because if it does not shed it's skin, it will die. This is a legitimate concern for zookeepers with snakes that have scars - they often struggle to shed completely, and they have to soak the snake's skin in water so they can cast off the skin.

So it's shed or die.

I have struggled to let go of things. Of everything that was done to me, but I knew it had to be let go. And today I have shed a lot of that shit. I am crying on and off but this is probably the first time it's easy. It's not physically painful, like knives in my throat, or something I have to shove down and keep contained for fear of being rejected. It's happy crying.

Because that skin being shed - it wasn't mine either. I needed rest, I needed to soak in that goddamn water dish so I could get through all the scar tissue. So it's probably the strongest image I have in my mind of everything. Of who I am. My entire life.

If you're going through difficult shit in life, all I can say is - you're strong. You're strong as fuck. Strength isn't being able to get into a physical fight, or being super confident around people - it's enduring life and the chaos thrown at you. It's being able to be broken down and rebuild, just like the snake casts off skin for their new selves. You will endure things and be stronger for it, than those who have lived all their lives without any pain whatsoever.

But it could be better, I know. It doesn't justify the pain. But please listen to yourself. Listen to your body. If you need to be selfish? Be fucking selfish! Don't want to do that thing? Don't do it! If you know it is costing you, if it is adding to that scar tissue - stop. Take the time you need to reset, to regain your breath. Ask yourself who you are doing this for. Ask what skin you are wearing and whether that is something you want to keep. Shed it. Let go.

It will hurt, but this is just the beginning. Change feels like a broken bone. But it will heal.

[bratz-kitten]

u wanna know the insane thing about cancers…. It’s not that they have stable emotions, not at all. They lead incredibly intense emotional lives with so much turmoil and breakdowns that lead to cathartic moments—i guess we all do, but the thing with them is that they truly do make processing their emotions a priority. Like. Every time my cancer sun friend goes through something, he’ll get very distant, and suddenly i get a text from him saying “hey, I’m sorry I’ve been isolating myself but I’m going through some things and i just need to deal with my feelings before i can be a good friend again.”

They understand the responsibility that comes with interpersonal relationships better than any other sign, in my opinion. An emotional mature cancer will absolutely refuse to hurt their friends and partner by lashing out on them (key-word is emotional mature, lol), but they also understand the importance of opening up to others, and that getting your feelings off your chest by talking them through with your loved ones DOES NOT mean burdening them with your emotional baggage. Truly, no one understands how to build and keep a friendship like they do. But I think they tend to open up only some time after dealing with their shits, during the moment it’s too painful to talk about it so they keep it to themselves.

I think that cancers and capricorns, although they can feel and express their feelings in ways much more similar than you’d expect from opposite signs, do be on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to dealing with experiences which trigger an emotional response. Cancers will make it their priority to deal with their feelings and will only resurface once they’ve seen it through, while capricorns have that ‘I don’t have time to deal with this shit, i have work to do!!!!’. Seriously, you know a capricorn is going through it because suddenly they’ll turn into a workaholic beast who takes up more extra hours than is probably legal. And, to be honest, they use work as an excuse for not having time for their emotions, when oftentimes the problem is that they’ll purposefully make themselves busier so they don’t have to deal with their emotional side.

The capricorn benefits from taking notes from their opposite sign and clearing their schedule when they’re going through something, taking their sweet time with feeling things… crying it out, calling their best friend, eating ice cream on the kitchen floor. You don’t get to pretend everything’s fine when your mind feels like a burning building, you little shit. While the cancer benefits from, like… acknowledging that you don’t have to go MIA whenever something happens, you know? They isolate themselves a lot more than they get called out for. You literally don’t have to disappear from people’s lives when you go through shit because being around them when you feel bad DOESN’T MAKE YOU A BAD FRIEND. It’s good that you prioritize your emotions, but life doesn’t have to stop every other week. You don’t have to do this alone, for fuck’s sake. Let me hug you through it, I’ll get the ice cream and the blankets.

By the way, this post was fully made with the intention of making everyone realize that the friendship between a capricorn and a cancer is life-changing. Bite me for it