#it lies in watching it all happen to myself but not wanting to commit to stopping it

[desire-mona]

the time jumps in i saw the tv glow make me so fucking insane and i can never let it go. 2 years, 8 years, then 20, each jump taking more and more out of owen as we watch him decay into a painstakingly unvariable excuse of a protagonist. no matter how big of a jump in time, we never really feel like we've missed out on anything at all. the only real change we experience is what monotonous, yet colourfully and visually overstimulating job he's trudging through, all to live the unfulfilling life he feels is the most safe. no known ambitions, no known lasting relationships, even the family he says he loves more than anything feels less like a feat, and more like a giant step back in the journey we know he needs to go on.

3 decades pass in the span of an hour and 40 minutes, a speed that would seem overwhelmingly fast, yet we stay tuned into the comfortability of that perpetual survival. we know what's going on, and we dont need to play catch up if there's nothing to catch up on. yet despite that comfortability of knowing where and when owen's stuck, it is killing us to know that the potential of what he could be and experience goes unacknowledged through the painstaking amount of years. and it's made all that much worse when we're forced to remember that the slow death we're watching is all the more real, both literally and figuratively, to owen.

[definitelynotafurinasimp]

Kafka with a tsundere reader (I love Kafka SO MUCH…)

Kafka with a tsundere reader

characters: Kafka x gn!reader

warnings: none

a/n: GET YOUR WISHES READY. IT'S HAPPENING. Less than 24 hours until Kafka releases. So I decided now would be a great opportunity to write something for her, as something of an offering to the Gacha gods...

I'm so down bad for this woman. I swear...

I wish everyone pulling for her the best of luck and I’ll see you on the other side!

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Kafka

While the Stellaron Hunters were composed of all different kinds of personalities, the ones Kafka kept around herself the most weren’t the most jovial of creatures. Silverwolf ironically preferred to ignore the tendencies of the animal in her name and rather work alone, while Bladie never was all too talkative in the first place.

And then there was you, someone trying so hard to match the stone-faced attitudes of your co-workers, that it was almost a crime not to try and get you to show your real feelings. A crime Kafka for once in her life didn’t intend to commit.

Kafka’s teasing was a misfortune every Stellaron Hunter working with her at least once had to endure. One you begrudgingly had to admit was fun to watch whenever you weren’t her target, the urge to join in whenever the purple-haired woman broke through Silverwolfs stoic facade forcing you to bundle up all of your self-control on more than one occasion.

Today however, was not your lucky day, as it quickly became clear who today’s victim would be.

“Come on, finish what you just wanted to say”, Kafka urged you to continue with a smile so devilish even Nanook would have felt creeped out. It had been foolish enough of you to let your compliment slip out in the first place, especially when Blade and Silverwolf were in the room, but all hopes of not drawing a giant Target on yourself were lost when you cut yourself off in the middle of your sentence, making the fact that it was a slip up as clear as day.

“There is nothing to finish, I was just talking to myself”, you lied as naturally as you breathed, hoping it would be enough to get Kafka to stop. Only for your hopes to be crushed in front of your very eyes as you saw her face light up in a familiar way, one signaling that giving up was the last thing on her mind right now.

“You’re lying.” While being called out on your obvious lie already was enough to make you lose your composure, her teasing tone sent blood flooding directly into your cheeks, causing them to turn red in almost an instant

With one swift turn of your head towards Blade you silently begged him for help, only for your fellow Stellaron Hunter to face away, putting all of his attention onto his weapon. And while you ought to have felt betrayed by his action, knowing how you did the same whenever it was someone else’s turn made you unable to hold a grudge against him.

Silverwolf however was a different story. As when you glanced towards her, you weren’t just brushed off, but instead were greeted by an amused smile, one radiating enough Schadenfreude to feed an entire planet of sadists. Before you knew it however, your attention was once again drawn to Kafka as you tried your best to find the right words to say.

“...I said the new coat suits you”, you murmured out just loud enough for her to hear you, nevertheless she gave you one more teasing smile, one wider than all of the previous.

“That’s interesting, I could have sworn I’ve heard a ‘B’ somewhere. Something along the lines of ‘You look beau-’”, she continued, dragging the last word out in anticipation of what you would say while forcing you to look her in the eyes.

“You look beautiful today”, you finally whispered in defeat, her ears immediately picking up on your words. For a moment you expected her to pretend she didn’t hear you, forcing you to say it once again, just louder. However, it seemed as if getting you to spit it out was enough for her as she showed you a satisfied grin before letting you finally go. Sparring you the embarrassment of having your fellow crewmates hear what exactly you had said that caused you to get this stand-offish.

Or at least that’s what she let you think for a few seconds.

“Oh you think I look beautiful today? Thank you, you’ve got quite the looks yourself.” The big smile on Kafka’s face was hard to miss, although you were far too embarrassed to look back up at her, your red face glued to your shoes for at least the next hour.

No matter how hard you tried to match your colleagues' blank expressions, there was always one person for whom you were as easy to read as an open book.

[childrenofcain-if]

Hi! I want to start by warning that this will probably be a long rant about how much i love your IFs. But first, I hope you feel better soon!

The first IF of yours i played was the pjo one, which sent me down a rabbit hole of going through the rest of them (still haven't played tcs but i will soon 🤞🏻). It was just BAFFLING how people could be so purposefully ignorant about the concept of fanfiction and accused you over and over of plagiarism like, please go outside and touch grass, clearly the internet has stopped your brain from developing critical thinking.

Anyways, the adaptation was so well done and faithful while also exuding a newness to it that i am very excited to see unravel. I understand at the moment it has been paused (and I don't know if you've addressed why it's no longer up) and i hope with time you can feel comfortable with it again. None of the shit you've gotten was deserved or even understandable but alas, it still happened. As a content creator myself, i truly truly sympathize with you. I hope these words offer some comfort, however small.

Same goes for WLB, but the awe at how descriptive and raw your writing is really peaked through in something of your own creation. I find myself revisiting it and experiencing the exhilaration from my first reading all over again. I can't wait to watch everyone around my mc descend into eldritch madness as they become more and more unhinged. Consequences of my own actions? Never heard of them, i want my mc to go apeshit!

Now, gods where do i start... TBOTYG is *chef's kiss* flawless, i never thought i could become so obsessed with anything with only one part. I awaited the demo with baited breath, already anticipating all the ways you would surprise and impress (and you did). Every choice, every scenario, the way you build your plot and characters, your descriptions (I don't know if you can tell that I'm a little too hung up on the writing aspect of it) of characters and actions and feelings. The amount of work and effort you put into characterization is so very clear and it feels very freeing to have that amount of control over a character that we're supposed to "relate" to (in the context of the narrative, almost as if living vicariously through them). i think that no matter how much time passes, your IFs will remain a staple in the community and every player who finds your gems will feel blessed and changed after playing.

It's gotten to the point I've created a whole google doc of my MC, and made fake ig accounts with interactions (just for myself, to cope with the anticipation) and this is a level of commitment I've only felt with my own OCs and works. In such a short time, your IFs have carved a deep space for themselves in my life. I find myself replaying and going through their official pages religiously even though I've read every post already.

a question! will every LI's gender be chosen individually? I'm wondering because C and D are suitmates, but is it doable if they're different genders? same for mc and V. I'm thinking yes but also wanted to be sure

Honestly very very sorry for the long rant, I'm sure you have better things to do 😭😭 but i had the uncontrollable urge to express my feelings on your art and it took me an entire day of trying to talk myself out of it (i failed).

(also, here's my mc's profile and dm box. her royal highness maxine's ig profile is private btw. going for c route first. Mitică is the romanian diminutive for the name Dimitru, and opsis is an ancient greek concept i thought would fit V)

i’m speechless (sentimentally), dear reader 😭 i still can’t believe some people would take the time out of their day to think about my silly little worlds and the characters in it, less of all like how i’ve written my works. every single time i hit a writer’s block or have the whole doxxing trauma flare up again, i think of quitting but it’s the urge to write stories and the joy of sharing it with everyone that is still keeping me going.

i can’t explain how much your words mean to me because this is what i write for. to have people relate to or identify with or adore the world and characters i’ve built is such a dream within itself. from the bottom of my heart, i am thankful for every single reader who has always been nothing but supportive from day one. if elias has his apple, i have y’all. and no, it doesn’t mean y’all can have my meagre inheritance but it’s the sentiment that counts.

to answer your question, every single LIs gender will be selectable! blackthorne hall has individual bedrooms per suite so y’all will only be sharing the common areas and kitchenette with V while having your own personal space. it’s more like an apartment than a usual college dorm tbh.

oh and please, rant away! i’d love nothing more than to hear about your MCs and the various headcanons, questions, or theories you might have!

(also please knock C down a few pegs, they desperately need it 😔)

[studentbyday]

week 1 / small commitments challenge

Summary: I was not focused on my challenge goals this week. I was preoccupied, thinking about the different paths I could take and weighing my options for the next couple of years. Not a bad thing, except I let the thinking invade every moment of my life I had to myself. That includes when I was supposed to be studying ochem and when I was supposed to be sleeping and when I was supposed to just be getting on with my day and doing mindless self-care stuff as quickly as possible so I can dedicate time to what's urgent. Yes, I needed to weigh my options and gather information across multiple days, but I did not have to go about it the way I did. It led to me becoming overtired and having difficulty sleeping which led to me being unable to get through my ochem goals which prevented me from doing anything else. The more tired I became as the week progressed, the worse it got. So my two new priorities for next week are: No. 1: Get enough sleep with a consistent sleep time (9pm be in bed, 10pm at the latest) and wake time (7am ideal but 8am bare minimum). Soothe yourself until you're calm enough to sleep. Like you would a baby (e.g. swaddle, massage/gentle touch, dark room, don't voluntarily subject yourself to anything stressful or overstimulating in the half hour before bed). That's how you stop and keep out of the overtired cycle. No. 2: Lots of meditation throughout the day! 5-10 mins when I wake up, minimum of 10-15 mins before bed (unless perhaps i feel less frazzled thanks to the meditation breaks which help me stay focused throughout the day? idk), and 1-2 minutes in between big tasks (those that take 2h or more) in order to reset my mind before I move onto the next task and give my brain a rest after processing lots of info on a deep level, so it can sustain that level of activity throughout the day and the rest of the week. I'm hoping that by prioritizing rest, I can succeed at my new study routine (which has also changed from last week as my priorities have changed...yet again) and work more efficiently and quickly while staying cool in mind! A chaotic breakdown of the week aka my sleep-deprived end-of-day gibberish where I try to make sense of everything that's happened lies below 😅

Monday: sleep deprived -> slow start to the day -> quite behind schedule. i listened to 1 and a half chemistry lectures, added to the notes from last week, read and annotated 1 of the 2 sets of notes i'm supposed to read this week, and answered all except 4 questions of a practice quiz on last week's material. asides from this, i did 1/3 of an Algebra 1 lesson, took a nap, and practiced driving.

Tuesday: later start than yesterday bc i wanted to get enough sleep. overall worth it, but that meant there wasn't enough time to get everything done and there were lots of distractions to field. i only did ochem and practiced driving today. i didn't even finish all the ochem i wanted to (i finished 1.5 lectures again, added to notes, started reading the second set of notes for this week, and answered 1/4 of the questions for 1 of 2 assignments for this week). i'm still trying to find a routine that works for this subiect bc it's really condensed (most weeks cover 2 lengthy modules at once 😭) and it's not a subject that's that easy to feel confident in just right off the bat...at least for me 😅 who knows, perhaps for the time being, i'll have to spend more than 4 hours on it a day until i feel confident in the fundamentals?? i also have lots to improve on in my lecture notetaking skills (i.e. trust my memory more and write down notes only AFTER i finish watching a lecture instead of attempting to write notes DURING the lecture and getting confused -> rewinding)

Wednesday: my problem this week is that i'm very distracted. still trying to figure out which path is best for me (i.e. to transfer uni or change program within my uni if that's possible...definitely probably shouldn't stick with my current program tho, that's one thing i've pretty much decided), asking around, doing my own research, trying to think of any combo of reasonable options i haven't explored yet (this is what i was doing for a lot of today). i really hate unresolved issues. they stick around in my head until it's resolved and even if i'm not actively thinking about it, i can still feel its presence in the back of my mind (and if it's big and concerning enough, it will keep bugging me at inconvenient intervals)! 😤 and this issue will stay unresolved until i have made a decision. and even then, i might still question it until enough time passes to show me that it was the right decision 😅 it's like...either i'm in "re-assess" mode aka "question every decision i have made and could make and predict to the best of my knowledge where it will lead me and do i like where it leads me?" mode (WHICH CANNOT ALL BE ANSWERED IN ONE SITTING SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SCHEDULE THIS?!?! 😵‍💫😫), or "put your head down and do the work" mode wherein i'm in danger of losing sight of the bigger picture. i swing from one to the other whenever smth happens to make me realize i've stayed too long in one mode. (like in this case where i was feeling very annoyed with my current lifestyle, finally decided to say "fuck it" to my strong desire to stay within my comfort zone, and explored other options and their pros and cons which included grad school admission requirements 🤦🏻‍♀️). i'm grateful to have this many options, but today i got so overwhelmed by them and the deadlines by which i need to have made a decision and the fact that there's a lot of ochem this week to do which is more urgent but also not as existentially worrying that i decided to rid myself of the mounting anxiety with a cardio abs workout. 🥵😮‍💨😮‍💨 it worked...but now i am so pooped and don't wanna get up 😅 (update: i did get up and did a little more ochem)

Thursday: too tired to do all the ochem i wanted to (i did a little reading, a little bit of lecture watching, and finished the last 3 Qs on 1 of 2 assignments this week). i keep letting myself get overtired with my overthinking against my better judgment (like, especially after an intense workout the day before??? girl, you need to sleep!!!). anyway, i've finally pretty much decided to just switch programs at my current uni but i don't think i'll really believe i've made the decision (objectively! all on my own! using a weighted pros and cons list! 😁) until the end of this week. 😅 it will still be a more rigorous program, although not in the ways i expected (but still good!), and it will challenge me in all the right ways but i won't rack up as much expense (thank goodness! 🙏🏻) and it will be a shorter commute and i will get to spend more time with family which is just such a relief. i don't want to fall into the rat race mentality, tho sometimes i think i need to. but perhaps that's just FOMO and comparing myself against others in an unhealthy way. like, i don't actually want a rat-race/hustle culture type of life for myself if i have the option not to live one, yet i sometimes feel like i need to be a completely different person living a completely different lifestyle in order to really make it in this society...well, there are many ways to skin a cat.

Friday: ochem lab, watching another lecture, reading the ch, working on ochem assignment, and driving.

Weekend: sleepy. reset routine and family time. finishing up ochem submissions for this past week (done is better than perfect! 😤) and driving.

[lifeofpriya]

Heartbreaker - Arber Xhekaj imagine

[gif credit goes to @frostbeees]

summary: part 2 to the collab fic i've written with @ethancale

part 1 is linked here

“Of all the people,” You rolled your eyes as you opened the front door, “Of course it had to be you.”

“It’s nice to see you too, Y/N,” Arber felt his lips press into a white slash as he spoke with a sharp tone laced in his voice.

“What do you want, Arber?” You asked as you watched his face fall again, your harsh tone not fading, “I really don’t have time-”

“I just wanted to talk.” He said as he cut you off.

“You didn’t want to a couple of weeks ago when I suggested it, so why now?” You asked, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I know I didn’t.” He sighed, “I fucked up, Y/N. I know I did.”

“Yeah, you did.” You agreed as you stepped back into your apartment, grabbing your purse and keys, “but I don’t have time to talk about it now.” You continued, “We’ll talk later, if i feel like it.” You brushed by Arber, leaving it all up in the air.

That’s exactly what you wanted though: you wanted him to believe he didn’t have another chance with you.

You wanted him to believe he had lost you for good. All because he was scared of commitment.

After days of moping and crying, Kaiden and Juraj begged you to hang out with them. Naturally, there was a deep frown etched onto your face as you entered the coffee shop.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kaiden asked as you sat your purse down in the chair next to the empty seat.

“Just an unexpected visitor.” You said as you watched Juraj and Kaiden look toward one another.

“And that was?” Juraj asked.

“Arber.”

Kaiden choked on his drink, spluttering the coffee onto the table as you grabbed a napkin, trying to clean it up.

“He didn’t.” He said.

“Oh, but he did.” You chuckled as you crumpled up the napkin, setting it on the table, “I didn’t really give him a chance to talk, though.” You added, “I basically blew him off; just as he did me. He wasn’t too happy that I did that, but karma is a bitch.” you shrugged in a nonchalant manner.

There wasn’t a single ounce of remorse on your face; you were, in a way, smug about blowing Arber off. After all, he deserved it…right?

“I know he broke your heart, but that was pretty shitty of you to slam the door on him….” Juraj felt his lips press together in a slight grimace while he softly shook his head. “Couldn’t you have at least let him explain his wrongdoings? Whatever happened to giving others second chances?”

You rolled your eyes at how pious Juraj was being. “Oh, so are you both taking Arber’s side then?”

“No one is taking anyone’s side!” Kaiden let out an exasperated sigh; he brushed his hand over his face as he wanted the drama to be over. Both he and Juraj wanted their two friends to be happy again and just wanted the drama to end. “Juraj has a point. Why won’t you hear him out? Why are you being so fucking stubborn about this?!”

Kaiden was known to be a pretty chill dude; he never got his anger to get out of control, but at that very moment, he felt like his head was going to explode like a volcano from the emotions he was bottling up.

He hated the fact two of his best friends were upset with each other. It all just seemed like a misunderstanding.

“You’re not in my shoes, Guhle.” You glared at him as you took a sip of your drink, “I’m not being stubborn. I’m not being ridiculous. I’m not being whatever you want to describe me as.” You stated, “I’m just not allowing myself to get hurt again because he can’t figure out what he wants.” you continued, “because clearly what he wants isn’t me.”

“That’s where you’re so wrong.” Juraj whispered, trying to keep his emotions under control. He didn’t want to snap at you as Kaiden had just done, “You’re all he talks about, Y/N. At practice, on the phone, with us. It’s always about you!”

You kept quiet as you found a new fascination with the label on your cup, keeping your eyes diverted from their harsh stares. Your chin dipped to your chest; your posture slumped as you listened to what they had to say.

“We can’t tell you how you should and shouldn’t live your life,” Kaiden watched you with a furtive gaze. “We just want you to be aware of all the perspectives about the situation. Don’t make any decisions you’ll later regret for the rest of your life.” He then turned his attention to Juraj and nodded his head in the direction of the door. “Let’s go, Juraj, we should let Y/N have some time to herself….” Juraj silently followed Kaiden’s instructions, but before he left, he looked at you with a stare of desperation written in his eyes. “Please talk to Arber; don’t be childish about this, Y/N.”

“I’m glad you called.” Arber said as he hung up your coat on his coat rack, “I was honestly shocked you wanted to talk.”

“You can thank our friends for this.”

“Our friends?” Arber was confused before it hit him, “Kaiden.”

“Don’t forget Juraj,” You softly chuckled, “I think we do have stuff we need to discuss.”

“I agree.” He nodded, “I’m sorry.” he started, “I really thought I knew what I wanted when we were talking or whatever. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“I just wish you would have said something sooner.”

“Stop.” Arber stopped you as you went to speak again, “I’m not done.” he said, causing you to raise your eyebrows at him, “I know what I want now.”

“Tell me, Arber,” you hesitated while speaking, almost as if you were weighing your words. “What do you want?”

He walked over to where you were standing, him looking down at you, “you. I know I fucked up by being nervous, but none of it was you. At all.” He took your hands in his, “All I want is you, Y/N. No one else.”

You bit your bottom lip as you listened to him spill his heart out to you, not knowing what to say. You tried to find the words to say, but nothing came to mind.

“I should never have been such a fucking idiot,” Arber felt the tears start to sting in his eyes as he gazed at you – his eyes were filled with tears of sorrow and self-anger. “I should never have broken your heart, Y/N.”

“But you did, and we can’t change that,” You said as you looked up at him.

“I know I did.” He said, “and I regret it.”

“So, where do we go from here, Arber?” You felt the heaviness in your limbs and muscles; you were internally searching for answers of your own.

“I’m not going to give up on what we have-” he spoke before slightly wincing. “What we had. I don’t want us to give up on our relationship, Y/N.”

You pondered for a few moments as you glanced at the hockey player standing in front of you.

“Even if it means we have to rebuild our romance from the beginning.” Arber let go of your hands so he could instead cup your face. “I know we can’t change what happened in the past…but we can make new memories to look back at in the future.”

“You won’t hurt me again, will you, Xhekaj?” You whispered under your breath as your gaze fell onto the floor, not wanting to stare at Arber.

“I can’t guarantee that, but I know I’ll never hurt you the way I did before. I’d be a dumbass if I ever let you walk away from me again,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

[onyxisnotuniqueenough]

i have 35 followers on this account.

and while 35 is not a lot, this is the most amount of people i can reach. i should have been doing this sooner but have been FUCKING STUPID about it and have kept silent about it on tumblr to maintain some kind of semblance of escapism for myself here. but my escapism doesn't matter. can palestinians enjoy the luxury of escaping their situation right now? are they LITERALLY able to escape the bombing. nevermind escape, survive any of the tactics pulled by israel to ensure their genocide?

there's a sense of guilt looming over my head telling me that i should be doing more, but in truth, there is not much i can do to help. telling me that i shouldn't take for granted the roof over my head, the safety of my loved ones, food, water, electricity, the ability to literally communicate with the outside world. so let me do the best i can and spread the message with as many people i can.

if you're also wondering what you can do to help, here are some things i am doing and am in the process of doing :

- follow news about gaza through livestreams from the outside : multiple sources have provided access to a livestream of what's going on in gaza. israel has cut off all communication and electricity in gaza and i have a pit in my stomach telling me that they just want no eyes on them for whatever they want to do. all we can do is watch from afar. stay updated.

- watch tiktoks from people who have signed up for the creativity fund on tiktok or similar stuff on other platforms : if you're not able to donate yourself, you can find lots of creators on tiktok using their 5 seconds of YOUR watchtime to donate to help palestine.

- continue sharing, promoting, and "liking" content about palestine : israel is literally doing its best to keep us and palestinians in the dark, metaphorically and literally, from what's happening and what they're planning to do. raise palestinian voices, help them grow, share their stories. everything is forever on the internet ? great. take advantage of that. sharing is a way to ensure that all information we have on the situation stays alive and can't be shadowbanned or deleted or anything. the more people palestinian voices reach, the harder it would be to silence them. it also makes it accessible to anyone and everyone to see the horrors committed by the state of israel, and debunk any fucking idiotic shit their twitter accounts is trying to spew with their photoshopped cartons of milk, their very false infographics and their general flow of lies and propaganda.

- if you can, email or contact your elected representatives. they're...well...supposed to represent you, and their position is more advantaged to get something done. here's a video on tiktok that i found explaining the importance of emails (specifically in canada, bit i'm sure it applies to other places too) :

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMjsax5Qj/

- boycott brands that support or fund israel. now first, let me tell you : the 729 or 871 you find at the beginning of a barcode is not a certain sign the product has been manufactured in israel. this has been debunked since the origin of this lie in 2021 :

https://factcheck.afp.com/social-media-posts-share-misleading-claim-barcode-prefixes-can-show-if-product-made-israel

https://www.google.com/amp/s/thelogicalindian.com/amp/fact-check/barcode-israel-28806

if you have a doubt, fact-check whatever company owns the product to buy, it only takes a few clicks.

second, if you think that boycotting is useless because you're just a grain of sand in the universe : that's absolutely not true. humanity is just a bunch of grains of sand. humanity is a COLLECTIVE. stop thinking your actions don't have an impact. they absolutely do. that's how we've been capable of making such an imapct on companies' stock already!

you probably already know about Starbucks, McDonalds, and Disney. Here are some more companies and brands to stop giving your money to :

- HP : Hewlett Packard helps run the biometric ID system that Israel uses to restrict Palestinian movement.

- Siemens : is complicit in apartheid Israel’s illegal settlement enterprise through its planned construction of the EuroAsia Interconnector. This will link Israel’s electricity grid with Europe’s, allowing illegal settlements on stolen Palestinian land to benefit from Israel-EU trade of electricity produced from fossil gas.

- Puma : Puma sponsors the Israel Football Association, which includes teams in Israel’s illegal settlements on occupied Palestinian land.

- Sodastream (has been bought by Pepsico) : Soda Steam is actively complicit in Israel's policy of displacing the indigenous Bedouin-Palestinian citizens of Israel in the Naqab (Negev). SodaStream have a long history of mistreatment of and discrimination against Palestinian workers.

- Ahava : Ahava cosmetics has its production site, visitor center and main store in an illegal Israeli settlement.

- Sabra : Sabra hummus is a joint venture between PepsiCo and the Strauss Group, an Israeli food company that provides financial support to the Israeli army.

these are the first results that popped up with a simple google search, but that's not all. There's also L'oréal, Garnier, Nestlé, and so many more. it's hard to keep track of all of them and jaw-dropping to see just how many of them are involved and actively supporting Israel.

here are some more links for brands and companies to boycott :

https://bdsmovement.net/get-involved/what-to-boycott

https://www.ethicalconsumer.org/ethicalcampaigns/boycotts

multiple instagram and tiktok pages also

if you've already purchased products from them, obviously, don't throw them away. If any product from one of these companies is absolutely essential or if you don't have any other viable choice, it's understandable. Do your best, and whatever effort you make on your scale is helpful. This is also an opportunity to support local shops and businesses, diy your own beauty products, cook more on your own, and instead of directing your money towards genocide, you could direct to donating to aid-to-palestine charities or literally to your pocket. but honestly, the idea of a 70+year ethnic cleansing and literal genocide should be enough.

- now this seems like the most obvious one so that's why it's the last bullet point : donate to charities that support palestine, sign petitions, etc.

there is footage out there of thousands of trucks that cannot cross palestine/"israel" borders because. well. of israel. these trucks contain food, water and hygiene products that donations were supposed to provide. this is heartbreaking that the help you hoped to provide couldn't reach the people it was supposed to reach. if you're thinking your donation is useless, well, i get it. i am having trouble even saying anything about that, because I myself am worried that it could be useless. But you have to stay hopeful, cause that's all most of us have right now. I would say to absolutely continue donating whatever you can to charities that support palestine, that provide water, food, shelter, and emergency medical care. You have to hope that it'll somehow reach them. You have to hope that it'll somehow stop.

At the time of writing, voting results at the UN General Assembly show a margin of 120!! to 14 (and 45 abstinents) for a ceasefire and immediate humanitarian truce between Palestine and israel. And now while that might seem like amazing news, let's remember that the General Assembly is for non-binding resolutions. FOR A BINDING RESOLUTION, the decision must be made by the Security Council. I'm not gonna explain everything, but the permanent members of the UN Security Council are fucking it over. here's full context :

Also, the letter tO THANK Biden that countless celebrities ??? disappointing too. some names on that list really surprised me, and i'm disappointed that people i have supprted in the past have turned around and thanked biden for supporting a genocide. it's so stupid and disappointing.

of course, feel free to tell me if i've cited the wrong sources, if i've missed something, or have said false info in anyway.

i'd also like to add that arab palestinians are not the only victims and that countless innocent jewish people have also been affected by the genocide. that the press vest has meant norhing so far. and that israel is not looking that closely into who they're killing. as Daniel Hagari said, Israel's method is "destruction, not accuracy."

MY HEART GOES OUT TO ANY VICTIM IN GAZA. IN PALESTINE.

BTW : I am not open to conversation with zionists or pro-israels. keep your anon asks very very very far away from me. i will not lend a ❤️listening ear❤️ to someone who ignores or defends genocide, and i don't see anything wrong with ignoring that kind of rhetoric. fuck you.

[jedidryad]

As previously mentioned, sometimes writing this Mara memoir is very frustrating because there are absolutely conversations that could have happened and potentially resolved a few things for our OTP sooner. And not all of those conversations involve Luke and Mara actually talking to each other either. It is canon that Kyle Katarn completes his training at some point, seemingly before Luke and Mara get married, and he has a story to tell...

Kyle Katarn could sense a change coming over Master Skywalker and he fell into a disquieted silence as he watched his teacher stand up and ask Master Solusar to take over the interview. Without a further word, Luke Skywalker left the practice room fast enough that his Jedi robe billowed behind him.

“What just happened?”

Kam Solusar turned back to meet Kyle’s concerned gaze.

“I’m not entirely certain,” he offered, “but I don’t think it is anything for you to worry about.”

“Some sort of emergency?”

“Maybe. I expect he will clarify later. Please continue.”

Kyle finished his account of Mara Jade’s poise and unexpected calm as he’d held his lightsaber menacingly at her throat, until the magnitude of what he was considering had overwhelmed him. It had been one thing he explained to think about darkness. It was another entirely to commit so much to any given set of ideas that he would be willing to kill his friends and family for it. 

When he finished his account of his experience with the dark side, Master Solusar seemed pleased. 

“It sounds to me like your encounter was one we may all touch at some point. While you struggled in its clutches for a while, with the help of a friend, you found your way back. It is a reminder that we all find ourselves in need of friends and fellow Jedi to help us along the way. Please remember this as you consider your trials.”

Kyle nodded in acknowledgement, but couldn’t help but wonder if Master Skywalker had a different opinion of him.

The Jedi Master caught up with him outside the sparring field just after breakfast the next morning.

“I want to apologize for my quick departure yesterday.” he opened with an expression that matched his words,  “It was unnecessary and probably made your story harder to tell than it otherwise would have been. I do not find your experience with the dark side too horrifying to handle. Just something about it hit me in a way I needed to sort out with myself and that was not your fault at all.”

“I appreciate the explanation but you don’t have to apologize, Master Skywalker.” He paused but then found he couldn’t resist exploring the hunch, “it was because of Mara, wasn’t it?

“Pardon?” All of a sudden, Luke Skywalker’s eyes seemed wider than usual, his expression more vulnerable.

“You handled all of it - my story of the voices and the disembodied feelings and power fantasies and the lies I told and the creatures I killed and my anger at Jan, all of it. You sat calmly and patiently filled with sympathy and understanding.” Kyle smiled,  “but then I told you that I’d threatened Mara. I told you I declared she would join me or die and that I’d held my lightsaber to her throat and she hadn’t flinched or backed down, and you turned to stone.” Kyle’s smile ventured into grin territory, “a very angry stone, I might add.”

“I -” The Jedi Master was beyond flustered.

“It’s okay, Master Skywalker. I care about Mara too. She’s one of my best friends and she and Jan have a great time together. In fact, you should see what they get up to when they visit with Mirax and Iella.” He watched the Jedi Master’s jaw drop slightly, “or maybe you shouldn’t.”

Master Skywalker pulled himself together but still seemed remarkably nonplussed.

“Yes, well, clearly the two of you have worked it out, and that is what matters. It’s none of my business and my reaction was not appropriate as your teacher. I am sorry.”

“Possibly not.” Kyle agreed, “but since you had a reaction, you might want to talk to her about it.”

“If she wanted me to know about it, she would have told me.”

Kyle looked at Luke suspiciously, “you sure about that?”

“Did you wish for me to hear the end of your account, or was it sufficient to share your story with Master Solusar and we can move on to preparing for your trials?”

[cvttmutt]

fuck it im doing all of them :P Skip any you're uncomfortable with btw! /nf

0: Height

1: Age

2: Shoe size

3: Do you smoke?

4: Do you drink?

5: Do you take drugs?

6: Age you get mistaken for

7: Have tattoos?

8: Want any tattoos?

9: Got any piercings?

10: Want any piercings?

11: Best friend?

12: Relationship status

13: Biggest turn ons

14: Biggest turn offs

15: Favorite movie

16: I’ll love you if…

17: Someone you miss

18: Most traumatic experience

19: A fact about your personality

20: What I hate most about myself

21: What I love most about myself

22: What I want to be when I get older

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

25: My idea of a perfect date

26: My biggest pet peeves

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

30: What I hate the most about work/school

31: What my last text message says

32: What words upset me the most

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

34: What I find attractive in women

35: What I find attractive in men

36: Where I would like to live

37: One of my insecurities

38: My childhood career choice

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

40: Who I wish I could be

41: Where I want to be right now

42: The last thing I ate

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

44: A random fact about anything

THIS IS SO EXCITING TYY :3

0. 5'7"

1. 16

2. X

3. Sometimes if I'm bored I take my dad's cigarette butts

4. I wish

5. I'm actually 2 months sober off marijuana! :D

6. If I've ever been mistaken for an age I haven't been told but I guess I do look a lot younger than 16

7. nope

8. Yes!! I definitely want some matching ones with my best friend when we're older

9. Only ear piercings unfortunately

10. Yess I want my lip pierced, my eyebrow pierced, and maybe some more ear piercings

11. Hes not on here but I've been trying to get him!! He's a shedtwt user 😢

12. Single!! If anyone has a crush on my cuts dm me I don't bite (unless you want me to)

13. X

14. Whenever someone misuses you/you're and their/there/they're

15. Smile tbh.. and I just watched it for the first time a few days ago

16. You carry the conversation but still enjoy talking to me

17. My best friend 😢 (he's a text away)

18. My dad almost beat my grandpa to death with a hammer LMAO I don't think I've actually fully thought about that

19. I'm very anxious irl!! I act like a loser

20. I can't talk to strangers without stuttering and its not even a cute stutter I mispronounce every single word I hatteee it

21. Im good at art ig

22. X

23. Love them even if we fight a lot

24. Honestly I'm eh with my parents but also I'm a teenager and it's normal to hate them at this time so

25. Having lots of fun, no worries about prices, no worries about time limits

26. Refer to question 14

27. Blonde, chubby, SO PRETTY AND BEAUTIFUL

28. 5'4" twink with commitment issues

29. So they don't worry about me

30. Having to sit on my phone the entire time, or having a really hard assignment I can't do.

31. "That's freaking fire"

32. X

33. Any praise

34. Not an asshole, gives me attention

35. Not an asshole, gives me attention

36. Washington or maybe somewhere in Europe but idk if that's happening cuz I'm BROKE

37. X

38. Astronaut. I still want to be an astronaut deep down but realistically that's never happening 😭 My grades r ass and I come from a poor household so that means no fancy college and I can't just pay to see the stars

39. Chocolate!!

40. A four year old boy

41. Right where I am right now

42. Mashed potatoes with onion gravy

43. X

44. Ankylosaurus' tails are so strong they can break their own bones just swinging them

[shadowbanki]

I feel awful for having to ask for insight (messy thoughts)

Hello. I still have a lot of questions about the Palestinian Genocide that I’m too afraid to ask. I would’ve sought insight earlier if I weren’t so scared I’d be criticized for not knowing.

I’m against Israel, I’m against their government’s genocide of Palestine, but there’s a lot I still don’t understand about the situation. I’m uneducated and legitimately don’t know where and how to research and get non-propaganda.

I also have a lot of trouble comprehending what’s happening. I don’t have very good comprehension skills. I know a lot of people would say “what’s there NOT to understand about a literal genocide?” And I get that, it’s just that I might have a comprehension disability. (I’ve always been awful at understanding history mostly because of all the perspectives I have to comprehend and such.) I also don’t know much about the political world in general.

First of all, I wonder why America is supporting Israel. It just seems heinously and cartoonishly evil that America is helping a government commit genocide, and because of how absurd it is, it confuses me… How is the USA even ALLOWED to do this? And why is there so much propaganda in the first place? What is the US getting out of lying? How many of these lies have truth to them?

I am angry, baffled and horrified, but also very confused. I have a lot of questions.

For example, the news keeps saying Hamas is a “terrorist group.” Is that statement propaganda? Is Hamas actually just fighting for liberation? Are they really holding Israelis hostage or are those made-up lies? Is Hamas blown out of proportion to make Palestine look bad? Also, if Palestine is freed, will Jewish people have a place? Should I even be caring about that? I don’t know where to find those answers. The internet is filled with propaganda and I have no idea how to tell what is and isn’t.

But I’m probably more brainwashed by the Israel propaganda on the news my parents watch than I care to admit. I’m not immune to propaganda. It’s especially hard when my parents believe everything they hear too.

To be honest, without tumblr I’d be completely in the dark. Even now, I almost have NO IDEA what’s propaganda, what isn’t, and how to tell if something is propaganda or not. I’m pretty amazed that so many people on Tumblr have so much perspective on the situation and such a clear understanding of it. Because I don’t, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t wrap my head around it.

I just don’t know where to get answers to a lot of questions I have.

Sorry about this. I just want to know how to educate myself so I can be another well-educated voice fighting for Palestine.

[etoilesombre]

Any plans for a What Lies Beneath sequel?!?

Oh the demon one?? 👀👀 So, the short answer is probably not, though I wish so.

My pace of actually producing writing has paradoxically slowed since I've started, I wish I could crank stuff out chill and easy but I have not yet cracked how to do that. And I have prior commitments. So. In order, here's the likelihood of sequels:

Flintmadi Book Thing: (By Faith of my Body, first chapter published) is the next real project I need to pick back up, I have it outlined, I have done all the research, I had momentum, and got side tracked. Because its HARD, god that one takes so much, they are both fuckin smarter than me, and they don't talk all that much in the show, making it Feel Right takes a lot.

Longfic (Another Troy to Burn): I need to wrap this up. I always said I would do it if it killed me, its my baby, its already a novel, its my Vision I had for them while watching the show. On the other hand, it has now been 2 (count them 2) years since an update, and honestly I have explored a lot of the things I wanted to explore in that in other places. When I think about just letting it go at this point, I'm more relieved than sad. But I do feel like I owe it to everybody, and also, it is the more practicing-for-writing-novels fic, I need to figure out how to wrap it up and actually do that, just to get my head back in that style of writing. But instead of following the whole way through canon, I will probably let this installation be the last and let it wrap up during the season break.

For to Fight the Cold: This one needs a sequel, it will be fun easy porn (this is a lie I'm telling myself, but, I do know in my head what happens next and I feel like I should share with the class.)

And then once all THAT (some part of that, at least the first two) is done, my plan is to work on Russia AU, which I am very excited about and I think will be totally able to be for real published with names changed.

And of course the thing I am ACTUALLY, CURRENTLY working on, has nothing to do with any of this (and is AwfulDark I'm so stoked)

Which is to say I would love to do followups for demon and also for cooking verse, but, I'm also happy with where I left them in those. FWIW, in demon, I did think a LOT when I was writing it about how Flint just is starting to come to terms with all this stuff about himself, but then when Miranda is killed.... he would very much give in to the darker side of a lot of those impulses, in a way that I personally am very interested in. I definitely have fun thinking about it and am happy to talk about it it's just... I have other obligations.

[sorcerous-caress]

I can't fall asleep so here is a fun story.

When I was 16-17, I watched that russian sleeping experiment video, and it stuck with me for a while. I thought there was no way it's real, like it was clearly a creepypasta, but also I knew the best lies were built on half-truths, so it must have held some truth to it.

I did some digging on the Internet and found an article that stated how the stages the human body goes through the more they go without sleep. It was summer break, and I thought, what's a better use of my time than testing this out on myself?

I was curious and skeptical, i felt like some of the stuff in these articles were exaggerated. I didn't have a plan i just had a lot of free time, a locked room, lots of energy drinks, coffee, and a very uncomfortable chair.

The first day went easy. I spent it normally and stayed up playing video games and watching movies. Nothing unusual.

The second day went fine at first but I had to give up the bed, I dragged a very uncomfortable plastic chair into my room, it didn't even have arm rests. That's also the day i started slowly drinking energy drinks. My focus was deteriorating so I couldn't do anything but scroll through the apps on my phone.

The third day is when strange things started happening. By that point, I was unbelievably exhausted. I drank so much caffeine that I could see the veins on my hands slightly bulging out, and their colour was more prominent.

I couldn't stay sitting down because I would fall asleep, so I forced myself to get up every 10 minutes and walk around the room in circles. I was listening to loud metal music at max volume during the whole thing because the second my mind relaxed, I knew I'd fall asleep.

It was barely the start of the day too, this was me 1/4 through the day. I really didn't to fail now especially when I came this far.

The article mentioned that the hallucinations start on the third/fourth day. It's also when your brain forces you to fall asleep each time you blinked, it's called microsleep.

I did experience it. It wasn't like a normal blink where the world around you resumed, more like a long, slow blink that disconnected you from your brain for a second before you snapped back into reality.

So i kept this routine up for 3 hours. Sit, scroll through social media, stand up, walk around, and sit back down. Rinse and repeat.

I kept reading through the article, It was the only thing motivating me at that point. Especially since I had an argument with a friend earlier during day 2, when they screamed at me to go to sleep. I almost ended up losing them because of it, so I just lied and said i will go sleep.

They just didn't get it, yk? I already committed to this. I can't turn back after everything I endured. I wanted to see what happens, to witness it first hand because each one of those articles about sleep deprivation sounded like the plot of horror movies, and I wasn't buying it at all.

Also, I hate the taste of black coffee, but by that point, I just swallowed it all down without care. I don't even remember if it tasted like anything. My hands were shaking so much, but I knew I'd fall asleep without it, so I kept going.

I successfully made it halfway through the day, I've reread the same article so many times.

I kept thinking about the hallucinations, wondering when they would finally start. Would it be like seeing a ghost in the room? Auditory hallucinations were out of the question because I never stopped listening to the loud music, I also locked myself inside my room, just in case I attempted to wander outside and sleep on a couch or fall down the stairs by accident.

While I was circling the room, I kept staring at the poster on my wall. It was the Vitruvian Man by Da Vinci. It was the only humanoid poster I had up, so my eyes kept naturally seeking it out.

And there was something about its stare.

Each circle I finished would get me closer to it bit by bit, I couldn't see anything else besides it. I couldn't stop feeling like its eyes was speaking to me.

I kept remembering the article and the hallucinations, wondering if this is when it's finally starting. I embraced it and felt excited, i wanted it to speak to me, to come out of the poster and stand in front of me.

I couldn't even hear the loud music in my headphones anymore, only its stare. I stopped walking and kept standing still staring at it, waiting for something to happen.

But the look in his pupils, the crystal clear meaning of it.

Oh, i realised, it wants to kill me.

That empty stare in those soulless eyes, terror washed over me, and all excitement was replaced with fear.

Genuinely bone-deep fear. Me, a teenager in the 21st century who has had a comfortable modern life for all my years of living, felt true fear for the first time in my life.

It's going to murder me, I kept repeating. I was afraid to look away because I genuinely believed it would jump out at me the second I did.

Then I remember day 4 in the article, how they described that any hallucinations will get more intense, more real.

I was terrified, and I didn't want to die, so I did what any normal person would do when faced with a whispering cheap poster of an old creepy painting.

I caved in and went to sleep.

Laid on the bed, i imagined it walking behind me, I imagined him slowly moving towards me.

My heart was beating so much, every fiber of my being was beyond terrfied.

I was convinced he is standing in front of the bed.

Thankfully tho, It didn't take more than 3 seconds for me to fall asleep after I closed my eyes, I didn't even have to try.

I've only made it to the middle of the third day, by the time I woke up, it was the afternoon of the next day. I slept a whole day and my body felt beyond broken.

I needed to eat, i needed water, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I did all of these things in an hour and then immediately went back to bed.

I slept for another full day.

The following week, I slept for 16 hours per day, then it dwindled to 13, then 8, and after a month, I went back to my normal sleeping schedule.

But the thing is, the painting doesn't have eyes, really. Not clear ones, at least. They're so small already, and it was printed on a cheap poster, so they were basically a couple of pixels.

Yet I remember seeing clear eyes on the third day, with pupils and everything, i could almost count the eyelashes. And they didn't seem out of place either, it felt like they were always a part of the painting.

Anyway, I never threw that poster out. It cost me 10$, which to a broke teenager was a lot of money. Also, Da Vinci is a pretty chill guy. I felt kinda mean to throw his painting out over one murder hallucination.

I did get my answers, tho! My experiment wasn't a complete failure, and I went back to the friend I lied to so I could inform them of my results. They weren't pleased, and we ended up falling out because of it. It's alright.

But since that day, i never could stay up much. Like whenever I get sleepy, I really really get unimaginably sleepy. Feels like my brain removed my admin access to my sleep cycle, and I lost the ability to stay up for more than a day.

Probably for the best, it's been years since this happened and my sleep still suffers from the same problem really. Which is funny because sometimes I do get insomina and can't sleep, but it never lasts for more than a day before my brain forcefully shuts me down.

It was fun I guess? I don't recommend doing it because the results aren't that impressive really. Thank fuck I didn't have a mirror in my room at the time, I feel like it would've made the hallucinations come by quicker.

Also, I am very aware of how stupid and an endangerment of my life it was to do that, now that I'm grown at least. You don't have to tell me about it. I don't plan on repeating it, and none of you should, really. It's more of a cool story I tell nowadays, a found memory of when I almost self-indunced psychosis. And yes! That russian experiment video was fake af.

Anyway, here is the painting for reference.

I had tiny stickers to cover his peepee so dw dw.

I couldn't find the article I was reading at the time, but here is a really similar one that explains the stages and is very accurate to what I experienced.

Imma sleep, goodnight <3

[cosmereplay]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by @chaos-monkeyy for a WIP check-in, thank you! 😊

I'm tagging @wanderingchanneler, @ternaryflower53, and @comiclysmic if you'd like to share anything you're working on--no pressure!

I need people to know that yes I am still working on Plausible Deniability and no I didn't expect that my last update was in JULY?? How did that happen? *cough* anyway here's some proof that I'm actually writing something:

(Rated Mature for mentions of sexuality. This is a Shakadolin fic btw)

Do what you’re good at, Shallan, Radiant encourages her. Calm them down. You can work it out.  Shallan nods. She takes a breath and opens her eyes, standing to break up a fight. Her head tilts. What she sees isn’t unlike a fight.  They’re kissing, Adolin grasping desperately at Kaladin’s waist, and Kaladin fisting Adolin’s uniform, seemingly unable to decide whether to push him away or pull him in closer. They’re twisting around each other, grappling, shuffling, frowning, panting small moans and grunts between smacks of their lips.  Her heart starts to pound, putting her on the verge of panic. She feels like she's reacting every way at once. Her husband is kissing another man, right in front of her? Not to mention he's kissing a man she happens to be currently dripping for…storms. Had she seen this a day ago, without these feelings for Kaladin flooding her body, Shallan might’ve been angry. She can see the truth in the way he moves–Adolin doesn’t just want to experiment with other men. He wants Kaladin. And Heralds save her, so does she. She wants in. Shallan stands and coughs, and the men immediately break the kiss. They push each other apart, glancing away with guilty expressions, shamespren falling between them. Adolin’s eyes are wild. Shallan knows he wasn't sure about Veil's plan, and it looks like his night with Kaladin blew him over. When he's unstable he can get impulsive. Has she finally pushed him over the edge into madness? All her lies and deceptions and half truths… Is this what breaks him? She steps forward, her body tingling with mixed emotions, her mind scrambling to find the right words.   Adolin speaks first. His voice comes out in gasps, as if he still hasn’t caught his breath from the kiss. “I’m so sorry,” he says, and steps forward, wiping his mouth. “I made a mistake. I’ve broken our oaths. Please don't leave me. I–” he gestures helplessly, frantically. She takes his hands, one wet, one dry. This is real. “No. Adolin, this isn't your fault. We're going to fix this. Together. Like Kaladin said. Right Kaladin?" She nods at him, and he seems to shake himself off. Resolutely, he steps forward, putting a reassuring hand on Adolin's shoulder. "The ardent said we can't…unspill the wine, so to speak," he says, voice gruff and low. "All we can do is, uh, pour it evenly." He slides his thumb up and down across Adolin's collarbone, which focuses the tingling in Shallan's body as she watches. He glances at Shallan and her heart skips a beat. Oh storms, he really believes it. He really is as committed now as he was when we talked about it. Kaladin raises his eyebrows at her, as if to say yeah, but you say it.  Fair enough. She meets Adolin's eyes, uncertain whether she is about to calm the storm or add power to its winds. "When we were talking earlier, we came up with a solution. I can put myself in your place, do the same things with Kaladin that you did, and then you don't have to worry about breaking your oaths because I've done it too. We'll be even and we can go on from this together. Like always."  Will it be even? Veil asks. What about all those times I– Not now!

[secondbreakpoint]

I’ve watched the episode, I’ve processed

- I like it. It’s stupid, it’s convoluted and created glaring plot holes for those of us who care about such things, but it’s a way for them to explore Carlos as a character, for him to grow and for Rafa to show off his acting skills

- I don’t think it’s ooc for Carlos at all, not just because we’ve seen him keep huge things from people before, (king of compartmentalization) BUT no amount of ignoring shit you don’t want to deal with prevents it from bubbling up, and in fact, the huge effort he puts into looking like someone who’s in control and has-got-there-shit-together is compensation for how out of control and anxiety riddled he feels!! And the shame! The shame and guilt he feels constantly come on it makes perfect sense.

- I can only speak for myself, but if I was engaged to someone and she told me she got married at 18 out of anxiety and self-hate my instinctive reaction would be sympathy too.. I would absolutely not consider it cheating just because it is the institute of “marriage”. It never was and never will be a real relationship or anything that could come between Carlos’s commitment to tk. I know this and tk knows this, which is what’s important ultimately.

- The lie is bad. He should not have lied. tk has every right to be upset and mad (as he always had the many many times Carlos has messed up in the past lol). But I loved the growth his reaction showed both his personally and them as a couple. Anyways the lie is huge and that’s the point. Like.. that’s why it’s so interesting 

- It actually makes the whole deal with his parents make more sense. And honestly my head canon was def that he tried to be with women at some point and let me tell you that is heartbreaking and very very relatable. It also makes me super curious about what made him give up, like when was his first kiss with a guy? What other relationships (if any) did he have before tk? hmmmm 

- I know this twist has upset a lot of people and I sympathize. But it’s just a matter of opinion, not fact. If this has ruined Carlos and the Tarlos relationship for you that’s understandable. I loved Ted Lasso but when the whole Sam/Rebecca romance happened I didn’t like it and stopped watching. It happens. Everyone has different boundaries and red lines and that’s cool, you know?

[writtenwrong]

Stabilizing the Element

or Even our atoms need each other

When atoms are far apart, they attract each other. This attraction is stronger for some kinds of atoms than others. At the same time, the heat, or kinetic energy, of atoms makes them always move. If the attraction is strong enough, relative to the amount of heat, atoms will form a solid. If the attraction is weaker, they will form a liquid, and if it is even weaker, they will form a gas. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

It's the hot Central Valley summer of the second long distance, the second hand ticking away uncountable minutes, the seconding of everyone in my orbit that I am not quite interesting enough to really bond with. No one said it first, but I am pitifully made aware that I cannot be created nor destroyed, only transmuted transfixed and transformed, the ever unstable element on the table for discussion.

Chemical bonds are the strongest kinds of attraction between atoms. The movement of electrons explains all chemical bonds. Atoms usually bond with each other in a way that fills or empties their outer electron shell. The most reactive elements have an almost full or almost empty outer shell. Atoms with a full outer shell, called noble gases, do not usually form bonds. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

I do not understand my parents, well off and independent of one another. How do you breathe the same oxygen every night and remain unmoved? I cannot help but react and I reach, desperate to fill myself, desperate to fill others, to give and receive. But in this hot Central Valley summer I grasp only air.

There are three main kinds of bonds: ionic bonds, covalent bonds, and metallic bonds.

In an ionic bond, one atom gives electrons to another atom. Each atom becomes an ion: an atom or group of atoms with a positive or negative charge. The positive ion (which has lost electrons) is called a cation; it is usually a metal. The negative ion (which has gained electrons) is called an anion; it is usually a nonmetal. Ionic bonding usually results in a regular network, or crystal, of ions held together. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

I had forgotten what it was like to live on the affluent side of town, to not see people starving, to not have people all around who are unstable, reactive. Knowing they are still here, still reacting, only kept out of this sterile lab environment through aggressive sanitizing of unwanted elements to avoid cross contamination, I am not comforted by comforts. I am lonely.

In a covalent bond, two atoms share electrons. This usually happens when both atoms are nonmetals. Covalent bonds often form molecules, ranging in size from two atoms to many more. They can also form large networks, such as glass or graphite. The number of bonds that an atom makes (its valency) is usually the number of electrons needed to fill its outer electron shell. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

Board games and conversations on the street corner spread conversations far and wide, and everything belongs to everyone on that street corner for the day. I meet a man who asks me if I want a cigarette while beating me thoroughly at chess, a woman who has a little dog wearing a sweater in better condition than her own, a guy who watches each tournament and pulls at his sleeves, someone is writing resources on the community board.

In a metallic bond, electrons travel freely between many metal atoms. Any number of atoms can bond this way. Metals conduct electric current because electric charge can easily flow through them. Atoms in metals can move past each other, so it is easy to bend, stretch, and change the shape of metals. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

Remember the weeks of watching for news of Seattle's community? Of parsing through hyperbole and lies for glimmers of a people committed to radical restructuring? Remember what it felt like to wonder if this was the beginning of something significant? I remember changing and stretching into something new, something I thought was stable but could not have been more reactive. Maybe that isn't a bad thing.

[lurkingshan]

Moonlight Chicken: Final Thoughts

I have really enjoyed watching this show along with everyone. There was so much to dig into and it was a real pleasure to see a BL with such mature themes, nuanced characters, and complex morality. By far my favorite part of this show was the care and attention shown to familial love, especially the complicated relationship between Jim and Li Ming. I love that we got to see them work through their frustration with each other and find some peace, and help Li Ming reestablish a bond with his mother, as well. They both seemed to learn things about themselves and what they really want by working through their conflicts and it was really rewarding to see.

That said, it was not a perfect show for me. @waitmyturtles made the point a week or two ago that some of the story beats and resolutions felt a bit rushed, and ultimately I do agree with that. I think for a show with only 8 episodes aired over 4 weeks, Moonlight Chicken tried to do a little too much. In particular, I thought resolving the conflict with Alan (and steering away from the messiness we expected from the trailer) partway through released a lot of the dramatic tension in the story, leaving us with a slower pace and fragmented focus. My man Gong fully disappeared from the show in the last few eps, and I thought the backstory with Beam was glossed over too quickly in favor of spending time on other things like Gaipa’s mom’s death. I enjoyed all the characters and themes, but I’m not sure it all came together as one cohesive narrative engine.

As for the romances, in the end I did find Heart and Li Ming most compelling. Not just because they were young and sweet and uncomplicated, but because I was deeply touched by Li Ming’s ability to see Heart in a way no one else did and his commitment to finding a way to help him communicate with the world again. Without Li Ming, I’m not sure Heart ever gets through to his parents and repairs those family relationships, or finds a school where he can pursue his education surrounded by his community. No matter what happens in the future for them, that’s the kind of first love that makes both people better and will always be remembered fondly.

Where do I start with Jim and Wen? First of all, I want to note for the record that I am exactly Jim’s age and I relate to him on a number of levels. I too grew up burdened by poverty and responsibility, got burned and became quite cynical about romance, and am wary of ever making myself that vulnerable again. Even still, something about his love story with Wen just never fully clicked in. It might just be that Earth and Mix’s chemistry doesn’t hit for me (I felt the same way about ATOTS) or that I’m still disappointed we didn’t get the messier, sexier version of their story we all thought this was initially. That first episode was the only time I really felt a spark with them, and then the story steered firmly away from that dynamic for the rest of the series. I also thought it was a weird choice to only show them finally consummating their romantic relationship in the end credit sequence. Better late than never but it really should have been part of the main narrative instead of an epilogue.

I am also choosing to believe that Alan and Gaipa don’t become romantically involved because I really dislike the drama trope of the rejected second leads pairing up. Props to the show for giving me plausible deniability on that lol.

This show also cemented for me that First, Khaotung, and Fourth are extremely talented actors who I’ll watch in pretty much anything they decide to do. For how young he is, Fourth is unbelievably impressive and I’m really excited to watch MSP now. First’s ability to produce believable chemistry with just about anyone is wild (part of the issue I had with the main romance is I thought Wen had better chemistry with Alan). And Khaotung’s ability to express so much via his eyes and microexpressions really made his story of unrequited love and grief land for me.

Overall I highly recommend this show and give it a solid 9/10. It was clearly made with such love and care and exuded warmth throughout. I’m sad it’s over so soon!

[linn-94]

Chapter 15: A good boy

He had send me a picture of him and Miles together with the text: Miles misses you'.

I decided to text something back.

Sophie:

I miss Miles too, tell him he's a good boy.

Aaron:

He wants you to walk him someday.

Sophie:

That can be arranged! I would love to walk him.

Aaron:

Am I allowed on that walk too? Or are you and Miles want to have some alone time?

I laughed at the text that Aaron had send.

Sophie:

If you are a good boy, you can come too.

Aaron:

I'll promise to be a good boy then.

I love how he teased me and how I could tease him back. He was funny.

The rest of the day was just a chill day. I didn't do much. Except for taking a shower. I went to Central Park for a bit to read my book on my bench. The weather was beautiful and I felt the need to be outside. I enjoyed all the people walking by, it was clearing my head a little.

Later I met Melissa for a cup of coffee. Although we had talked a lot on the phone, we really wanted to get together since neither of us had something better to do.

After coffee we walked around the streets a little. We went to Rockefeller Center and walked to Times Square. Melissa and I always enjoyed the crowds there. We looked at all the people from locals to tourists.

We sat down the red stairs so we had a good view of Times Square.

Melissa looked at the billboard from Moulin Rouge with Aaron and Ashley on it.

"Did you speak to him today after he left?" She asked.

I looked at her and looked away blushing.

"So that's a yes! What did he have to say?"

"He sended me a picture of his dog Miles. Saying Miles missed me." I said.

"Does Miles miss you or is this just a lame excuse and does he miss you?"

"I think, no, I hope the last thing you said."

"Do you miss him?" Melissa asked.

"Yes I miss him. But it's stupid. It's not even been a week since we've met. How can I have this feeling already?"

"You like him Soph, there is nothing wrong with that!"

"I know, but isn't it too early?" I asked anxious.

"That's for you guys to decide. I don't know how he feels about it, neither do you. You guys really need to talk about this."

"I want to, but I'm afraid Lis!"

"I know girl, but you need to get it out. It's not healthy this way."

I knew Melissa was right ofcourse. And deep inside I knew Aaron had the same feelings. But maybe I wasn't ready to commit yet?

My last relationship turned out to be a lie. I couldn't do that another time. What if Aaron and I were together and the same thing would happen? I don't know if I can handle that. I really really like Aaron.

Melissa and I decided to call it a night and we walked to my apartment. Melissa had the idea that we could walk past the Moulin Rouge theatre on the way to my place.

So we did.. when we walked past I could here the show from a little distance. They were just singing 'Come what may'.

"Omg that's the song you sang with Aaron!" Melissa said out loud.

"Shhh I know, I know.. feels weird to hear the song anytime it's on."

We stayed and listened till the song ended. Then we made our way to my apartment again. Melissa and I were both quiet on the way back. I was in my thoughts again. Because of the song, I was there again, in the moment with Aaron, our kiss.

When we arrived at my apartment Melissa and I said our goodbyes and she left to go to her own apartment.

I walked to my kitchen and poured myself a glass of Chardonnay. Then I walked to my couch and put on the tv. I was in the mood to watch something I had watched already, just for sound in the background. I decided to put on the Les Mis film. That way I could relax and watch Aaron. He was in my mind anyway, so why not watch him.

I scrolled through Instagram and watched some Insta stories. I saw Aaron had posted one. It was him in his Christian costume with the caption he was ready for the show. I smiled when I saw the picture in his story and before I even thought about it, I pressed like on the story.

I put away my phone and got back to watching Les Mis. A few minutes later I fell asleep on my couch. My phone went of a couple of times with texts, but I was to fast asleep to notice.

Until I heard someone knocking on my door.

I woke up shocked. It was late at night and someone was knocking at my door.

I didn't really know what to do, who would knock on my door so late?

I walked over to the door and looked through the little hole in it.

At the other side of the door stood Aaron. I opened the door.

"Omg Aaron what are you doin...."

I couldn't finish my sentence, because he kissed me. Right on the mouth!