#it lies in watching it all happen to myself but not wanting to commit to stopping it

[desire-mona]

the time jumps in i saw the tv glow make me so fucking insane and i can never let it go. 2 years, 8 years, then 20, each jump taking more and more out of owen as we watch him decay into a painstakingly unvariable excuse of a protagonist. no matter how big of a jump in time, we never really feel like we've missed out on anything at all. the only real change we experience is what monotonous, yet colourfully and visually overstimulating job he's trudging through, all to live the unfulfilling life he feels is the most safe. no known ambitions, no known lasting relationships, even the family he says he loves more than anything feels less like a feat, and more like a giant step back in the journey we know he needs to go on.

3 decades pass in the span of an hour and 40 minutes, a speed that would seem overwhelmingly fast, yet we stay tuned into the comfortability of that perpetual survival. we know what's going on, and we dont need to play catch up if there's nothing to catch up on. yet despite that comfortability of knowing where and when owen's stuck, it is killing us to know that the potential of what he could be and experience goes unacknowledged through the painstaking amount of years. and it's made all that much worse when we're forced to remember that the slow death we're watching is all the more real, both literally and figuratively, to owen.

[definitelynotafurinasimp]

Kafka with a tsundere reader (I love Kafka SO MUCH…)

Kafka with a tsundere reader

characters: Kafka x gn!reader

warnings: none

a/n: GET YOUR WISHES READY. IT'S HAPPENING. Less than 24 hours until Kafka releases. So I decided now would be a great opportunity to write something for her, as something of an offering to the Gacha gods...

I'm so down bad for this woman. I swear...

I wish everyone pulling for her the best of luck and I’ll see you on the other side!

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Kafka

While the Stellaron Hunters were composed of all different kinds of personalities, the ones Kafka kept around herself the most weren’t the most jovial of creatures. Silverwolf ironically preferred to ignore the tendencies of the animal in her name and rather work alone, while Bladie never was all too talkative in the first place.

And then there was you, someone trying so hard to match the stone-faced attitudes of your co-workers, that it was almost a crime not to try and get you to show your real feelings. A crime Kafka for once in her life didn’t intend to commit.

Kafka’s teasing was a misfortune every Stellaron Hunter working with her at least once had to endure. One you begrudgingly had to admit was fun to watch whenever you weren’t her target, the urge to join in whenever the purple-haired woman broke through Silverwolfs stoic facade forcing you to bundle up all of your self-control on more than one occasion.

Today however, was not your lucky day, as it quickly became clear who today’s victim would be.

“Come on, finish what you just wanted to say”, Kafka urged you to continue with a smile so devilish even Nanook would have felt creeped out. It had been foolish enough of you to let your compliment slip out in the first place, especially when Blade and Silverwolf were in the room, but all hopes of not drawing a giant Target on yourself were lost when you cut yourself off in the middle of your sentence, making the fact that it was a slip up as clear as day.

“There is nothing to finish, I was just talking to myself”, you lied as naturally as you breathed, hoping it would be enough to get Kafka to stop. Only for your hopes to be crushed in front of your very eyes as you saw her face light up in a familiar way, one signaling that giving up was the last thing on her mind right now.

“You’re lying.” While being called out on your obvious lie already was enough to make you lose your composure, her teasing tone sent blood flooding directly into your cheeks, causing them to turn red in almost an instant

With one swift turn of your head towards Blade you silently begged him for help, only for your fellow Stellaron Hunter to face away, putting all of his attention onto his weapon. And while you ought to have felt betrayed by his action, knowing how you did the same whenever it was someone else’s turn made you unable to hold a grudge against him.

Silverwolf however was a different story. As when you glanced towards her, you weren’t just brushed off, but instead were greeted by an amused smile, one radiating enough Schadenfreude to feed an entire planet of sadists. Before you knew it however, your attention was once again drawn to Kafka as you tried your best to find the right words to say.

“...I said the new coat suits you”, you murmured out just loud enough for her to hear you, nevertheless she gave you one more teasing smile, one wider than all of the previous.

“That’s interesting, I could have sworn I’ve heard a ‘B’ somewhere. Something along the lines of ‘You look beau-’”, she continued, dragging the last word out in anticipation of what you would say while forcing you to look her in the eyes.

“You look beautiful today”, you finally whispered in defeat, her ears immediately picking up on your words. For a moment you expected her to pretend she didn’t hear you, forcing you to say it once again, just louder. However, it seemed as if getting you to spit it out was enough for her as she showed you a satisfied grin before letting you finally go. Sparring you the embarrassment of having your fellow crewmates hear what exactly you had said that caused you to get this stand-offish.

Or at least that’s what she let you think for a few seconds.

“Oh you think I look beautiful today? Thank you, you’ve got quite the looks yourself.” The big smile on Kafka’s face was hard to miss, although you were far too embarrassed to look back up at her, your red face glued to your shoes for at least the next hour.

No matter how hard you tried to match your colleagues' blank expressions, there was always one person for whom you were as easy to read as an open book.

[mustainegf]

→ 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟖

The night  had blurred by; both of us were extremely tired but satisfied that the nursery was set up. When night began to slip into darker hours, we went to bed. I was surprised when James crawled into bed beside me instead of heading for the couch. It was a tender gesture, one that made me feel good.

Awkwardly, we lay on our backs, me due to my pregnancy and him due to his injuries. Hands reached out to each other in the darkness, fingers intertwining. With only our breathing in sync and faraway noises from city traffic, the room was otherwise quiet.

James coughed, breaking a rather awkward silence. "Honey," he started softly, already sounding unsure. "I want to level with you. If I'm going to commit to you and the baby, I don't want to lie. You deserve the truth."

A knot of fear tightened my stomach. His words, though well meaning, only filled me with fear. What was he going to tell me? 

"I... I have to tell you something," he continued, his voice tight. "A few nights before my accident, I slept with some groupie. I was hammered drunk, and it just happened. I know it wasn't technically cheating because we weren't together… but- I still feel terrible about it… and you deserve to know."

It hung there, heavy and suffocating, this confession. My heart fought inside my chest as I tried to digest his words. Anger mixed with hurt and betrayal, yet relief also blackened the strange feeling twisting through me. He was being honest with me, he cared enough to come clean. And for that, I wasn’t upset.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "James," I said quietly, my voice shaking. "I appreciate you telling me… because it shows you really want to be a committed dad, you care enough to tell me the truth."

His eyes searched mine for any sign of forgiveness as he squeezed my hand. "I couldn’t hide it from you. I know it doesn't count as cheating or anything, but it feels wrong, and I’m sorry. You and the baby mean everything to me, and I need you to know that I’m real about changing. Just looking back on it makes me feel gross."

Slowly, I nodded. My mind had still been reeling because it was too much to take. "I'm not mad about what you did," I confessed, my throat tightening. "I understand that we weren't together and we've both made mistakes, but… why are you telling me this now? Of all times, why now?"

James winced, his brow furrowing as he looked for the right words. "I just... I wanted to start fresh. No secrets, no lies. I wanted to tell you sooner rather than later. I thought—I thought it was the right thing to do…”

I closed my eyes to his confession; its weight was upon me. The room seemed stifling; the atmosphere charged. "I need some time to think," I finally responded barely above a whisper. "Go sleep on the couch, James. We'll talk in the morning."

He nodded, etched on his face the sadness, but I knew he agreed. "Okay," he said softly, "I understand."

He bent at the waist, his lips brushing against my forehead in a soft, gentle kiss. "Goodnight," he whispered, his tone rife with regret.

Another I felt a lump in my throat as his lips brushed against my belly. "Goodnight, little one," he whispered, his voice breaking a little, which only made me sadder.

I watched silently as he rose to his feet and walked slowly out of the room, stiff and openly in pain. The door shut softly behind him and closed me in behind with my thoughts.

Sleep did not seem to want to come to me that night, for my mind kept running on and on about what James had said. I was trying to zone in on the positive notes, it was his willingness to be honest, to change, but it wasn't that easy to rid myself of hurt and confusion.

Next morning, I woke up to the first light of dawn peeping through the curtains. All that happened last night rushed in front of me, and it  settled within the hollow of my chest. I knew we needed to talk.

Quietly, I got out and crept into the living room where James was sleeping on the couch, his worried face from sleep reflected his problem. I stood there watching him, feeling my heart fill with love and pain.

Gently reached to shake his shoulder, "James," I said softly, "Wake up."

His eyelids flickered open, and his baby blues rose to mine. He winced, jerking up into a sitting position, confusion clouding his expression before understanding finally blossomed. "Hey…” he spoke in a low, husky tone, wincing again. "I'm so sorry."

I nodded. My face felt tight and a little numb as I sat beside him. "We need to talk," I said. My voice was surprisingly even, if a little flat. "About everything."

He nodded, his expression very guilty. "I know. And I'm ready."

"James, I appreciate your honesty," I began softly. "But the timing of your confession. Why then? We're trying to rebuild something, and it feels like a setback."

He nodded, regret in his eyes. "I understand. I just didn't want to start this new chapter with any secrets. I wanted you to know everything."

"I know," I said softly. "And I'm glad you told me. But this is going to take some time. We have to help each other through this."

He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently. "I'm willing to do whatever. I want to be the best father I can be."

I looked into his face, into his eyes, there I saw sincerity and how truthful he was really being. "I believe you, James."

He nodded, his expression set. "One step at a time."

The only sounds inside were those of our soft movements and the occasional murmurs of conversation. Yes, the morning had brought heavy emotions, but there seemed to be clarity brought by such honesty, even though the way ahead remained… uncertain to say the least..

James sat, his shirt off to give me better access to his injuries, on the bed's edge. His burns were bad, angry red skin blistered off his body. It hurt me to see him like this, yet I was determined to help him recover.

I gathered the ointment, some clean bandages, and gauze, then sat beside him. "This is going to hurt a little," I said softly.

He nodded at me, bracing himself. "I trust you."

I took a deep breath, careful not to hurt him further as I began to apply the ointment. He winced, sucking in a sharp breath, but didn't move. 

"You're doing great," I murmured, trying to comfort him.

James held a small smile. " I don't know what I'd do without you."

I continued to clean his cuts, but all the same, I couldn't help my mind from straying to the ultrasound appointment later that afternoon. I needed him there, for me, for us to see this baby and feel closer. Things between us had been really shaky, but this was important for both of us.

"James," I said, breaking the silence. "I, um… I have an ultrasound later today. I want you to come with me."

He turned his eyes to mine; his surprise was obvious. "You want me to come?"

I nodded as I finished the last of the bandaging. "Yes. I think that would be good for you to see the baby, to be a part of this."

He took a deep breath, his face quite serious. "I want to be there for every moment."

I smiled, a warmth spreading through my chest. "Thank you."

We sat there for a moment, our hands finding each other again, the connection between us fragile but real. 

"I'm trying," James said softly, his eyes meeting mine. "I'm trying to be the man you and the baby need."

"I know you are," I said, squeezing his uninjured hand. "And I see it."

It was late in the afternoon when we finally arrived at the clinic. James stuck close beside me, a reassuring comfort. His eyes showed he was really very nervous while we were sitting down, but there was excitement.

My name was called, and we both rose to enter the examination room. The technician welcomed us with a warm smile and led me onto the bed, directing me as he started to set up the machine. James stood beside me, his hand gently rested on my shoulder.

She smeared the cool gel on my stomach, and, in mere seconds, the screen came to life with the image of our baby. James's eyes grew wide, and his face was a picture of pure curiosity.

"There's your baby," said the technician, leaning forward to point at the screen. "Everything looks good."

James leaned further forward, his eyes fastened upon the screen. "Wow," he breathed. "Look at that..."

This was so much more than a simple medical checkup; this was bonding, I could see it in his face.

"Can you see those little hands and feet?" I asked softly, looking over at James.

James nodded, and his eyes welled up with tears. "Yeah..."

The technician continued the scan, showing us various details and making sure everything was going well. James asked questions, and it was obvious that he wanted to know every detail about our baby and be involved in every phase of this pregnancy.

"Do you want to know the gender?" she asked, looking at us both.

Mine fell on James, his eyes seemed to dance with expectation. "I think we’re going to keep it a surprise," I said softly.

James smiled and nodded in agreement, still speechless looking at the screen.

The scan resumed as I reached out and took James's hand, squeezing it gently. 

The appointment was over, and with a fresh set of ultrasound pictures, we were all set to return home. James handled these pictures like they were pure glass, as if they were the closest things to gold he had ever held in his life. 

When we got home, James was insistent on putting up the new pictures in the nursery, carefully pinning them to the bulletin board. He stood back, admirably gazing at the images.

"This is our baby," he said softly, turning to me. "I want to do everything right."

I walked to him, putting my arms around him cautiously because of his hurt arm. "We'll figure it out," I said, trying to sound braver than what I was feeling.

He bent down, kissing my forehead first, then my belly. "I'm ready," he whispered. "I’m ready to be a father."

As we lay down to bed that night, lying close and holding hands, being so close with him, helped me feel better. 

We drifted to sleep, breathing slow, James’ hand on my growing belly. We were ready for this baby, out at least as ready as we could be.

IM SO SORRY GUYS I KNOW THIS WAS LONG AWAITED, IM GONNA BE UPDATING THIS STORY MORE FREQUENTLY NOW THAT FORGET ME NOT HAS FINISHED!!!

[childrenofcain-if]

Hi! I want to start by warning that this will probably be a long rant about how much i love your IFs. But first, I hope you feel better soon!

The first IF of yours i played was the pjo one, which sent me down a rabbit hole of going through the rest of them (still haven't played tcs but i will soon 🤞🏻). It was just BAFFLING how people could be so purposefully ignorant about the concept of fanfiction and accused you over and over of plagiarism like, please go outside and touch grass, clearly the internet has stopped your brain from developing critical thinking.

Anyways, the adaptation was so well done and faithful while also exuding a newness to it that i am very excited to see unravel. I understand at the moment it has been paused (and I don't know if you've addressed why it's no longer up) and i hope with time you can feel comfortable with it again. None of the shit you've gotten was deserved or even understandable but alas, it still happened. As a content creator myself, i truly truly sympathize with you. I hope these words offer some comfort, however small.

Same goes for WLB, but the awe at how descriptive and raw your writing is really peaked through in something of your own creation. I find myself revisiting it and experiencing the exhilaration from my first reading all over again. I can't wait to watch everyone around my mc descend into eldritch madness as they become more and more unhinged. Consequences of my own actions? Never heard of them, i want my mc to go apeshit!

Now, gods where do i start... TBOTYG is *chef's kiss* flawless, i never thought i could become so obsessed with anything with only one part. I awaited the demo with baited breath, already anticipating all the ways you would surprise and impress (and you did). Every choice, every scenario, the way you build your plot and characters, your descriptions (I don't know if you can tell that I'm a little too hung up on the writing aspect of it) of characters and actions and feelings. The amount of work and effort you put into characterization is so very clear and it feels very freeing to have that amount of control over a character that we're supposed to "relate" to (in the context of the narrative, almost as if living vicariously through them). i think that no matter how much time passes, your IFs will remain a staple in the community and every player who finds your gems will feel blessed and changed after playing.

It's gotten to the point I've created a whole google doc of my MC, and made fake ig accounts with interactions (just for myself, to cope with the anticipation) and this is a level of commitment I've only felt with my own OCs and works. In such a short time, your IFs have carved a deep space for themselves in my life. I find myself replaying and going through their official pages religiously even though I've read every post already.

a question! will every LI's gender be chosen individually? I'm wondering because C and D are suitmates, but is it doable if they're different genders? same for mc and V. I'm thinking yes but also wanted to be sure

Honestly very very sorry for the long rant, I'm sure you have better things to do 😭😭 but i had the uncontrollable urge to express my feelings on your art and it took me an entire day of trying to talk myself out of it (i failed).

(also, here's my mc's profile and dm box. her royal highness maxine's ig profile is private btw. going for c route first. Mitică is the romanian diminutive for the name Dimitru, and opsis is an ancient greek concept i thought would fit V)

i’m speechless (sentimentally), dear reader 😭 i still can’t believe some people would take the time out of their day to think about my silly little worlds and the characters in it, less of all like how i’ve written my works. every single time i hit a writer’s block or have the whole doxxing trauma flare up again, i think of quitting but it’s the urge to write stories and the joy of sharing it with everyone that is still keeping me going.

i can’t explain how much your words mean to me because this is what i write for. to have people relate to or identify with or adore the world and characters i’ve built is such a dream within itself. from the bottom of my heart, i am thankful for every single reader who has always been nothing but supportive from day one. if elias has his apple, i have y’all. and no, it doesn’t mean y’all can have my meagre inheritance but it’s the sentiment that counts.

to answer your question, every single LIs gender will be selectable! blackthorne hall has individual bedrooms per suite so y’all will only be sharing the common areas and kitchenette with V while having your own personal space. it’s more like an apartment than a usual college dorm tbh.

oh and please, rant away! i’d love nothing more than to hear about your MCs and the various headcanons, questions, or theories you might have!

(also please knock C down a few pegs, they desperately need it 😔)

[bettyshoweduptotheparty]

My Exit Note (for now) - and A Letter to Taylor

I’m so very sorry to the lovely people on here who will be saddened to read this, but this will be my last post for a while. I re-joined tumblr in June last year to re-reconnect to this lovely community, and it genuinely seemed so much safer to do than back in 2017. I thought the fandom had gained some perspective as a whole. But after only 7 months, the fandom (and by that I mean swifties) has once again become a battle ground for us, fuelled by none other than Taylor herself, and I’m no longer willing to gloss over that. I’m choosing my own peace.

It may seem like a very fickle move after only 7 months in this space, when the good people on here are genuinely some of the kindest and most intelligent people I’ve ever met online, but let me explain why I need to take a break. I don’t intend to leave Taylor Swift and her art behind and never look back. In fact, I have Eras tour tickets for the summer and I want to give myself a chance to actually be excited about that by the time June comes around. But it’s all too familiar, pretty much exactly the same reason I left tumblr the first time in 2017. I’m here to discuss and analyse Taylor’s art with likeminded (queer) people and I can’t respect the artist of that very art when she continually gives her toxic ‘fans’ ammunition to come into our safe space and harass us and then watches as we scramble to keep ourselves safe amidst abuse and threats. They are doing this in HER name. Members of a marginalised community she claims to be an ‘ally’ to are being doxxed and harassed in HER name and she’s doing nothing. If anything she’s fanning the flames while it burns. Whatever it is that she’s doing with her brand right now, her silence when her own crazy fans are sending DEATH THREATS to people for simply interpreting her art, means that I cannot be part of that right now. I thought the fandom had changed, that Taylor had grown more confident defending what she stands for, but clearly, I was wrong.

The tipping point back in 2017 for me, was when she told those kids from the rep secret sessions that the album was all about her darling bf and gave them permission to go after anyone who said otherwise. And boy, did they take that seriously. They came after us in our little corner for gushing over how beautifully gay those songs were, fuelled by words straight from the horse’s mouth. SHE sent those people after us. Because she wrote the gayest album in history and she couldn’t deal with the noise getting too loud. And I lost all respect for her. It was only in 2019 when she was suddenly draped in rainbows that I carefully looked at gaylor spaces online again, because it seemed like she was finally actually committing to it. But we all know how that ended… So, to see one of those very rep secret session kids on my YouTube feed yesterday picking apart this beautiful NY Times article with lies and inaccuracies in the name of Taylor’s straightness, just reminded me whose side she decides to put herself on. She invited those people to her house. She caters to them, not us. She made them think they were her friends and then sent them after us. With HER OWN WORDS. And I can’t be in the trenches for someone who hands my bullies a gun and points at the target.

I will leave my blog active this time, so my content will be here for people to engage with if they want. But I won’t be on here to receive your messages or dm’s. I’m sorry that I’m leaving you guys at a time where we need to stick together, but I’m getting more anger and hurt out of this than joy atm and that’s always the time for me to put myself first and step away. I hope that we will come together again when the tide changes, I’m still somewhat convinced that the clock is ticking towards a better time for us, but I need Taylor to come through for us (and herself) before I can look at her again. And I promise if that happens, I won’t hold a grudge.

And lastly, here’s something I’ve never done because I’m not crazy enough to think that Taylor sees us on here, but I don’t have any other social media and I had to get this off my chest. (If you have twitter/instagram, maybe do something similar, you never know, she might actually see it and I think she needs to know how much hurt she’s causing with this)

Dear Taylor, @taylorswift

What are you doing, love? I wish I could actually ask you that. In fact, I’ve wished it many times throughout the decade that I’ve been a fan of your music. I’ve wished that I could tell you what your music meant to me when I was heartbroken, and how much joy it brought me when I was young and felt invincible. You changed my life when you proudly held a girl’s hand in public with a smile that showed me that love is there for people like me to find, after all. And when the world was hard on you, I wished I could ask you if you were ok. But today, I just want to ask you this: what have I done to deserve you sending the worst kind of people after me? Time and time again. And you can’t tell me you didn’t know that would happen, I know you’re smart. I know you know the kind of people I’m talking about, the ones that worship you like a God, that will stop at nothing to defend the version of you they have in their heads. The ones you built your empire on. Good on you, but when did you stop caring for the people that actually see you and read the words you put out into the world for us? Was that not what you wanted? I can’t claim to understand how you live the life you’ve chosen, but at least your art was always there to bring joy to my life and community when I needed it. I didn’t need you to be a hero, but now you’ve become part of the problem.

So, here’s the thing: choose a side. Commit to us, or let us go. This line that you’re walking has reached the end. You want to be an ally? Fine. Let me help you with that: Don’t claim to be a safe space for queer people and then throw a grenade into our community and watch it burn. That’s not what an ally does. Don’t appropriate our culture by using our pride flag colours or the colour lavender and then deny the cultural and historic significance of those colours, effectively erasing their meaning. That’s not what an ally does. And most importantly, don’t let people be slaughtered, gaslit and harassed on the internet, or mainstream news, for interpreting your music as queer. A young queer woman, who is an incredible journalist, got called ‘inappropriate’ and a liar on national news yesterday, because she picked up what you’re putting down in your music and wrote an article about it. An incredible article by the way, one that made us all feel seen and validated. And then you’re letting old white men on national television call that inappropriate and invasive. You may not have said those words, but you let them stand there uncommented, let your cultish fans think that their hero is offended by being presumed to be gay. You guessed it, that’s also not what an ally does. A marginalised group of your fans got DEATH THREATS in your name in the last 24 hours because we pick up on queer flagging in your art. And you did nothing. You handed our bullies weapons and left us to fend for ourselves. That is not a safe space for LGBTQ people. And for that reason, you’re losing me.

Because I have nothing to believe. Unless you actually choose me (and yourself for that matter). Just once.

Until then,

J

[studentbyday]

week 1 / small commitments challenge

Summary: I was not focused on my challenge goals this week. I was preoccupied, thinking about the different paths I could take and weighing my options for the next couple of years. Not a bad thing, except I let the thinking invade every moment of my life I had to myself. That includes when I was supposed to be studying ochem and when I was supposed to be sleeping and when I was supposed to just be getting on with my day and doing mindless self-care stuff as quickly as possible so I can dedicate time to what's urgent. Yes, I needed to weigh my options and gather information across multiple days, but I did not have to go about it the way I did. It led to me becoming overtired and having difficulty sleeping which led to me being unable to get through my ochem goals which prevented me from doing anything else. The more tired I became as the week progressed, the worse it got. So my two new priorities for next week are: No. 1: Get enough sleep with a consistent sleep time (9pm be in bed, 10pm at the latest) and wake time (7am ideal but 8am bare minimum). Soothe yourself until you're calm enough to sleep. Like you would a baby (e.g. swaddle, massage/gentle touch, dark room, don't voluntarily subject yourself to anything stressful or overstimulating in the half hour before bed). That's how you stop and keep out of the overtired cycle. No. 2: Lots of meditation throughout the day! 5-10 mins when I wake up, minimum of 10-15 mins before bed (unless perhaps i feel less frazzled thanks to the meditation breaks which help me stay focused throughout the day? idk), and 1-2 minutes in between big tasks (those that take 2h or more) in order to reset my mind before I move onto the next task and give my brain a rest after processing lots of info on a deep level, so it can sustain that level of activity throughout the day and the rest of the week. I'm hoping that by prioritizing rest, I can succeed at my new study routine (which has also changed from last week as my priorities have changed...yet again) and work more efficiently and quickly while staying cool in mind! A chaotic breakdown of the week aka my sleep-deprived end-of-day gibberish where I try to make sense of everything that's happened lies below 😅

Monday: sleep deprived -> slow start to the day -> quite behind schedule. i listened to 1 and a half chemistry lectures, added to the notes from last week, read and annotated 1 of the 2 sets of notes i'm supposed to read this week, and answered all except 4 questions of a practice quiz on last week's material. asides from this, i did 1/3 of an Algebra 1 lesson, took a nap, and practiced driving.

Tuesday: later start than yesterday bc i wanted to get enough sleep. overall worth it, but that meant there wasn't enough time to get everything done and there were lots of distractions to field. i only did ochem and practiced driving today. i didn't even finish all the ochem i wanted to (i finished 1.5 lectures again, added to notes, started reading the second set of notes for this week, and answered 1/4 of the questions for 1 of 2 assignments for this week). i'm still trying to find a routine that works for this subiect bc it's really condensed (most weeks cover 2 lengthy modules at once 😭) and it's not a subject that's that easy to feel confident in just right off the bat...at least for me 😅 who knows, perhaps for the time being, i'll have to spend more than 4 hours on it a day until i feel confident in the fundamentals?? i also have lots to improve on in my lecture notetaking skills (i.e. trust my memory more and write down notes only AFTER i finish watching a lecture instead of attempting to write notes DURING the lecture and getting confused -> rewinding)

Wednesday: my problem this week is that i'm very distracted. still trying to figure out which path is best for me (i.e. to transfer uni or change program within my uni if that's possible...definitely probably shouldn't stick with my current program tho, that's one thing i've pretty much decided), asking around, doing my own research, trying to think of any combo of reasonable options i haven't explored yet (this is what i was doing for a lot of today). i really hate unresolved issues. they stick around in my head until it's resolved and even if i'm not actively thinking about it, i can still feel its presence in the back of my mind (and if it's big and concerning enough, it will keep bugging me at inconvenient intervals)! 😤 and this issue will stay unresolved until i have made a decision. and even then, i might still question it until enough time passes to show me that it was the right decision 😅 it's like...either i'm in "re-assess" mode aka "question every decision i have made and could make and predict to the best of my knowledge where it will lead me and do i like where it leads me?" mode (WHICH CANNOT ALL BE ANSWERED IN ONE SITTING SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SCHEDULE THIS?!?! 😵‍💫���), or "put your head down and do the work" mode wherein i'm in danger of losing sight of the bigger picture. i swing from one to the other whenever smth happens to make me realize i've stayed too long in one mode. (like in this case where i was feeling very annoyed with my current lifestyle, finally decided to say "fuck it" to my strong desire to stay within my comfort zone, and explored other options and their pros and cons which included grad school admission requirements 🤦🏻‍♀️). i'm grateful to have this many options, but today i got so overwhelmed by them and the deadlines by which i need to have made a decision and the fact that there's a lot of ochem this week to do which is more urgent but also not as existentially worrying that i decided to rid myself of the mounting anxiety with a cardio abs workout. 🥵😮‍💨😮‍💨 it worked...but now i am so pooped and don't wanna get up 😅 (update: i did get up and did a little more ochem)

Thursday: too tired to do all the ochem i wanted to (i did a little reading, a little bit of lecture watching, and finished the last 3 Qs on 1 of 2 assignments this week). i keep letting myself get overtired with my overthinking against my better judgment (like, especially after an intense workout the day before??? girl, you need to sleep!!!). anyway, i've finally pretty much decided to just switch programs at my current uni but i don't think i'll really believe i've made the decision (objectively! all on my own! using a weighted pros and cons list! 😁) until the end of this week. 😅 it will still be a more rigorous program, although not in the ways i expected (but still good!), and it will challenge me in all the right ways but i won't rack up as much expense (thank goodness! 🙏🏻) and it will be a shorter commute and i will get to spend more time with family which is just such a relief. i don't want to fall into the rat race mentality, tho sometimes i think i need to. but perhaps that's just FOMO and comparing myself against others in an unhealthy way. like, i don't actually want a rat-race/hustle culture type of life for myself if i have the option not to live one, yet i sometimes feel like i need to be a completely different person living a completely different lifestyle in order to really make it in this society...well, there are many ways to skin a cat.

Friday: ochem lab, watching another lecture, reading the ch, working on ochem assignment, and driving.

Weekend: sleepy. reset routine and family time. finishing up ochem submissions for this past week (done is better than perfect! 😤) and driving.

[lifeofpriya]

Heartbreaker - Arber Xhekaj imagine

[gif credit goes to @frostbeees]

summary: part 2 to the collab fic i've written with @ethancale

part 1 is linked here

“Of all the people,” You rolled your eyes as you opened the front door, “Of course it had to be you.”

“It’s nice to see you too, Y/N,” Arber felt his lips press into a white slash as he spoke with a sharp tone laced in his voice.

“What do you want, Arber?” You asked as you watched his face fall again, your harsh tone not fading, “I really don’t have time-”

“I just wanted to talk.” He said as he cut you off.

“You didn’t want to a couple of weeks ago when I suggested it, so why now?” You asked, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I know I didn’t.” He sighed, “I fucked up, Y/N. I know I did.”

“Yeah, you did.” You agreed as you stepped back into your apartment, grabbing your purse and keys, “but I don’t have time to talk about it now.” You continued, “We’ll talk later, if i feel like it.” You brushed by Arber, leaving it all up in the air.

That’s exactly what you wanted though: you wanted him to believe he didn’t have another chance with you.

You wanted him to believe he had lost you for good. All because he was scared of commitment.

After days of moping and crying, Kaiden and Juraj begged you to hang out with them. Naturally, there was a deep frown etched onto your face as you entered the coffee shop.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kaiden asked as you sat your purse down in the chair next to the empty seat.

“Just an unexpected visitor.” You said as you watched Juraj and Kaiden look toward one another.

“And that was?” Juraj asked.

“Arber.”

Kaiden choked on his drink, spluttering the coffee onto the table as you grabbed a napkin, trying to clean it up.

“He didn’t.” He said.

“Oh, but he did.” You chuckled as you crumpled up the napkin, setting it on the table, “I didn’t really give him a chance to talk, though.” You added, “I basically blew him off; just as he did me. He wasn’t too happy that I did that, but karma is a bitch.” you shrugged in a nonchalant manner.

There wasn’t a single ounce of remorse on your face; you were, in a way, smug about blowing Arber off. After all, he deserved it…right?

“I know he broke your heart, but that was pretty shitty of you to slam the door on him….” Juraj felt his lips press together in a slight grimace while he softly shook his head. “Couldn’t you have at least let him explain his wrongdoings? Whatever happened to giving others second chances?”

You rolled your eyes at how pious Juraj was being. “Oh, so are you both taking Arber’s side then?”

“No one is taking anyone’s side!” Kaiden let out an exasperated sigh; he brushed his hand over his face as he wanted the drama to be over. Both he and Juraj wanted their two friends to be happy again and just wanted the drama to end. ���Juraj has a point. Why won’t you hear him out? Why are you being so fucking stubborn about this?!”

Kaiden was known to be a pretty chill dude; he never got his anger to get out of control, but at that very moment, he felt like his head was going to explode like a volcano from the emotions he was bottling up.

He hated the fact two of his best friends were upset with each other. It all just seemed like a misunderstanding.

“You’re not in my shoes, Guhle.” You glared at him as you took a sip of your drink, “I’m not being stubborn. I’m not being ridiculous. I’m not being whatever you want to describe me as.” You stated, “I’m just not allowing myself to get hurt again because he can’t figure out what he wants.” you continued, “because clearly what he wants isn’t me.”

“That’s where you’re so wrong.” Juraj whispered, trying to keep his emotions under control. He didn’t want to snap at you as Kaiden had just done, “You’re all he talks about, Y/N. At practice, on the phone, with us. It’s always about you!”

You kept quiet as you found a new fascination with the label on your cup, keeping your eyes diverted from their harsh stares. Your chin dipped to your chest; your posture slumped as you listened to what they had to say.

“We can’t tell you how you should and shouldn’t live your life,” Kaiden watched you with a furtive gaze. “We just want you to be aware of all the perspectives about the situation. Don’t make any decisions you’ll later regret for the rest of your life.” He then turned his attention to Juraj and nodded his head in the direction of the door. “Let’s go, Juraj, we should let Y/N have some time to herself….” Juraj silently followed Kaiden’s instructions, but before he left, he looked at you with a stare of desperation written in his eyes. “Please talk to Arber; don’t be childish about this, Y/N.”

“I’m glad you called.” Arber said as he hung up your coat on his coat rack, “I was honestly shocked you wanted to talk.”

“You can thank our friends for this.”

“Our friends?” Arber was confused before it hit him, “Kaiden.”

“Don’t forget Juraj,” You softly chuckled, “I think we do have stuff we need to discuss.”

“I agree.” He nodded, “I’m sorry.” he started, “I really thought I knew what I wanted when we were talking or whatever. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“I just wish you would have said something sooner.”

“Stop.” Arber stopped you as you went to speak again, “I’m not done.” he said, causing you to raise your eyebrows at him, “I know what I want now.”

“Tell me, Arber,” you hesitated while speaking, almost as if you were weighing your words. “What do you want?”

He walked over to where you were standing, him looking down at you, “you. I know I fucked up by being nervous, but none of it was you. At all.” He took your hands in his, “All I want is you, Y/N. No one else.”

You bit your bottom lip as you listened to him spill his heart out to you, not knowing what to say. You tried to find the words to say, but nothing came to mind.

“I should never have been such a fucking idiot,” Arber felt the tears start to sting in his eyes as he gazed at you – his eyes were filled with tears of sorrow and self-anger. “I should never have broken your heart, Y/N.”

“But you did, and we can’t change that,” You said as you looked up at him.

“I know I did.” He said, “and I regret it.”

“So, where do we go from here, Arber?” You felt the heaviness in your limbs and muscles; you were internally searching for answers of your own.

“I’m not going to give up on what we have-” he spoke before slightly wincing. “What we had. I don’t want us to give up on our relationship, Y/N.”

You pondered for a few moments as you glanced at the hockey player standing in front of you.

“Even if it means we have to rebuild our romance from the beginning.” Arber let go of your hands so he could instead cup your face. “I know we can’t change what happened in the past…but we can make new memories to look back at in the future.”

“You won’t hurt me again, will you, Xhekaj?” You whispered under your breath as your gaze fell onto the floor, not wanting to stare at Arber.

“I can’t guarantee that, but I know I’ll never hurt you the way I did before. I’d be a dumbass if I ever let you walk away from me again,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

[onyxisnotuniqueenough]

i have 35 followers on this account.

and while 35 is not a lot, this is the most amount of people i can reach. i should have been doing this sooner but have been FUCKING STUPID about it and have kept silent about it on tumblr to maintain some kind of semblance of escapism for myself here. but my escapism doesn't matter. can palestinians enjoy the luxury of escaping their situation right now? are they LITERALLY able to escape the bombing. nevermind escape, survive any of the tactics pulled by israel to ensure their genocide?

there's a sense of guilt looming over my head telling me that i should be doing more, but in truth, there is not much i can do to help. telling me that i shouldn't take for granted the roof over my head, the safety of my loved ones, food, water, electricity, the ability to literally communicate with the outside world. so let me do the best i can and spread the message with as many people i can.

if you're also wondering what you can do to help, here are some things i am doing and am in the process of doing :

- follow news about gaza through livestreams from the outside : multiple sources have provided access to a livestream of what's going on in gaza. israel has cut off all communication and electricity in gaza and i have a pit in my stomach telling me that they just want no eyes on them for whatever they want to do. all we can do is watch from afar. stay updated.

- watch tiktoks from people who have signed up for the creativity fund on tiktok or similar stuff on other platforms : if you're not able to donate yourself, you can find lots of creators on tiktok using their 5 seconds of YOUR watchtime to donate to help palestine.

- continue sharing, promoting, and "liking" content about palestine : israel is literally doing its best to keep us and palestinians in the dark, metaphorically and literally, from what's happening and what they're planning to do. raise palestinian voices, help them grow, share their stories. everything is forever on the internet ? great. take advantage of that. sharing is a way to ensure that all information we have on the situation stays alive and can't be shadowbanned or deleted or anything. the more people palestinian voices reach, the harder it would be to silence them. it also makes it accessible to anyone and everyone to see the horrors committed by the state of israel, and debunk any fucking idiotic shit their twitter accounts is trying to spew with their photoshopped cartons of milk, their very false infographics and their general flow of lies and propaganda.

- if you can, email or contact your elected representatives. they're...well...supposed to represent you, and their position is more advantaged to get something done. here's a video on tiktok that i found explaining the importance of emails (specifically in canada, bit i'm sure it applies to other places too) :

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMjsax5Qj/

- boycott brands that support or fund israel. now first, let me tell you : the 729 or 871 you find at the beginning of a barcode is not a certain sign the product has been manufactured in israel. this has been debunked since the origin of this lie in 2021 :

https://factcheck.afp.com/social-media-posts-share-misleading-claim-barcode-prefixes-can-show-if-product-made-israel

https://www.google.com/amp/s/thelogicalindian.com/amp/fact-check/barcode-israel-28806

if you have a doubt, fact-check whatever company owns the product to buy, it only takes a few clicks.

second, if you think that boycotting is useless because you're just a grain of sand in the universe : that's absolutely not true. humanity is just a bunch of grains of sand. humanity is a COLLECTIVE. stop thinking your actions don't have an impact. they absolutely do. that's how we've been capable of making such an imapct on companies' stock already!

you probably already know about Starbucks, McDonalds, and Disney. Here are some more companies and brands to stop giving your money to :

- HP : Hewlett Packard helps run the biometric ID system that Israel uses to restrict Palestinian movement.

- Siemens : is complicit in apartheid Israel’s illegal settlement enterprise through its planned construction of the EuroAsia Interconnector. This will link Israel’s electricity grid with Europe’s, allowing illegal settlements on stolen Palestinian land to benefit from Israel-EU trade of electricity produced from fossil gas.

- Puma : Puma sponsors the Israel Football Association, which includes teams in Israel’s illegal settlements on occupied Palestinian land.

- Sodastream (has been bought by Pepsico) : Soda Steam is actively complicit in Israel's policy of displacing the indigenous Bedouin-Palestinian citizens of Israel in the Naqab (Negev). SodaStream have a long history of mistreatment of and discrimination against Palestinian workers.

- Ahava : Ahava cosmetics has its production site, visitor center and main store in an illegal Israeli settlement.

- Sabra : Sabra hummus is a joint venture between PepsiCo and the Strauss Group, an Israeli food company that provides financial support to the Israeli army.

these are the first results that popped up with a simple google search, but that's not all. There's also L'oréal, Garnier, Nestlé, and so many more. it's hard to keep track of all of them and jaw-dropping to see just how many of them are involved and actively supporting Israel.

here are some more links for brands and companies to boycott :

https://bdsmovement.net/get-involved/what-to-boycott

https://www.ethicalconsumer.org/ethicalcampaigns/boycotts

multiple instagram and tiktok pages also

if you've already purchased products from them, obviously, don't throw them away. If any product from one of these companies is absolutely essential or if you don't have any other viable choice, it's understandable. Do your best, and whatever effort you make on your scale is helpful. This is also an opportunity to support local shops and businesses, diy your own beauty products, cook more on your own, and instead of directing your money towards genocide, you could direct to donating to aid-to-palestine charities or literally to your pocket. but honestly, the idea of a 70+year ethnic cleansing and literal genocide should be enough.

- now this seems like the most obvious one so that's why it's the last bullet point : donate to charities that support palestine, sign petitions, etc.

there is footage out there of thousands of trucks that cannot cross palestine/"israel" borders because. well. of israel. these trucks contain food, water and hygiene products that donations were supposed to provide. this is heartbreaking that the help you hoped to provide couldn't reach the people it was supposed to reach. if you're thinking your donation is useless, well, i get it. i am having trouble even saying anything about that, because I myself am worried that it could be useless. But you have to stay hopeful, cause that's all most of us have right now. I would say to absolutely continue donating whatever you can to charities that support palestine, that provide water, food, shelter, and emergency medical care. You have to hope that it'll somehow reach them. You have to hope that it'll somehow stop.

At the time of writing, voting results at the UN General Assembly show a margin of 120!! to 14 (and 45 abstinents) for a ceasefire and immediate humanitarian truce between Palestine and israel. And now while that might seem like amazing news, let's remember that the General Assembly is for non-binding resolutions. FOR A BINDING RESOLUTION, the decision must be made by the Security Council. I'm not gonna explain everything, but the permanent members of the UN Security Council are fucking it over. here's full context :

Also, the letter tO THANK Biden that countless celebrities ??? disappointing too. some names on that list really surprised me, and i'm disappointed that people i have supprted in the past have turned around and thanked biden for supporting a genocide. it's so stupid and disappointing.

of course, feel free to tell me if i've cited the wrong sources, if i've missed something, or have said false info in anyway.

i'd also like to add that arab palestinians are not the only victims and that countless innocent jewish people have also been affected by the genocide. that the press vest has meant norhing so far. and that israel is not looking that closely into who they're killing. as Daniel Hagari said, Israel's method is "destruction, not accuracy."

MY HEART GOES OUT TO ANY VICTIM IN GAZA. IN PALESTINE.

BTW : I am not open to conversation with zionists or pro-israels. keep your anon asks very very very far away from me. i will not lend a ❤️listening ear❤️ to someone who ignores or defends genocide, and i don't see anything wrong with ignoring that kind of rhetoric. fuck you.

[greycaelum]

Hi Grey, sorry if I'm bothering you. This is not a writing request or anything, just some rants. Still, I will be truly grateful if you read them.

To be honest, I feel pathetic writing you this, but I just need someone to vent to, or else I’ll go insane for real, as I've been depressed and restless ever since the last release of JJK, and you’re probably the person who understands closely to how I feel right now. After all, you actually are the person who made me fall deeper for this character.

So, let me take you back to the start.

I was bored. Until one day, I stumbled upon JJK on Netflix and ended up binge-watching all of the episodes in SS1 in one go. Since I don’t have much time to catch up on the manga from the beginning, I usually read spoilers on sites anonymously and somehow found your page despite not owning a Tumblr account. (I started reading manga from the episode where Satoru got out of the seal.)

Yes, I was indeed fond of Satoru before reading your works. However, I became obsessed with the version of Satoru you beautifully portrayed in the Kaleidoscope Series. I even got a baby fever. Me, the one who hates kids, pledged to myself that this bloodline would end with me.

In addition, the more I read, the more I became infatuated with him.

I told my bestie who also writes fanfic about how I love Satoru from your lenses. She told me that I should tell you this, as it would make a writer happy to know how much her stories have impacted me. That’s another justification for how I decided to write you this.

The happiness didn’t last long. As I said earlier, ever since the last episode, it has been like a world fell apart. I cried myself to sleep every night, and I felt stupid for doing so. Like, I shouldn’t let a fictional character have this control over me, but I just couldn’t help it. I was down to the point where I signed up for a Tumblr account to tell you this.

In case you’re still here, thank you for reading my nonsense. I feel a bit better after letting it all out. Also, I didn’t request any topic because I’d love anything you write from the Kaleidoscope Series.

Ps. I’m shy, so I’ll just send this message anonymously.

- 🩵🩷

Hi dearest one, this would never be a bother and I couldn't be more grateful that you took such efforts to reach out to me, thank you so much, I appreciate it more than you can imagine!

Please don't feel pathetic, okay? Your emotions are totally justifiable and I too feel the same frustration over the recent chapters. And even if Satoru is a fictional character, it doesn't make the feelings and emotions we experienced from him shallow, because for better or for worse we did love him and it is natural to feel devastated if you lose someone you love, regardless of whatever or whoever he/she is.

Kaleidoscope Series was made out of the idea "to soothe" and "comfort and rest" and I never have ever imagined that this little corner would grow enough to reach a lot of you. I am very grateful of how you have come to love KSeries, so much I want to hug you and give comfort after all that's happening in the manga.

Please do tell your friend thank you so much and, yes, it does mean the world to receive this kind of message, I am grateful and I couldn't emphasize enough how I appreciate this gesture from you!

Please feel a little better knowing what you're feeling is not insignificant, and I can relate how sad it is to lose someone you love. It's okay to cry, and even if Satoru may be "dead", he will be fine, you too will be fine. Time always do its work. He died in a way he saw fit, and he had fun...

This thought may not lessen the pain of his passing, but it does soothe us that he died with one less regret... And that is enough for him, he too has been standing up for himself far too long, he deserves rest.

Don't worry I am in my delulu world where Y/n is pregnant with their third babies. My commitment lies not on Gege 🫠🫣

Don't be too shy, I really don't bite~😆

—Grey,

[jedidryad]

As previously mentioned, sometimes writing this Mara memoir is very frustrating because there are absolutely conversations that could have happened and potentially resolved a few things for our OTP sooner. And not all of those conversations involve Luke and Mara actually talking to each other either. It is canon that Kyle Katarn completes his training at some point, seemingly before Luke and Mara get married, and he has a story to tell...

Kyle Katarn could sense a change coming over Master Skywalker and he fell into a disquieted silence as he watched his teacher stand up and ask Master Solusar to take over the interview. Without a further word, Luke Skywalker left the practice room fast enough that his Jedi robe billowed behind him.

“What just happened?”

Kam Solusar turned back to meet Kyle’s concerned gaze.

“I’m not entirely certain,” he offered, “but I don’t think it is anything for you to worry about.”

“Some sort of emergency?”

“Maybe. I expect he will clarify later. Please continue.”

Kyle finished his account of Mara Jade’s poise and unexpected calm as he’d held his lightsaber menacingly at her throat, until the magnitude of what he was considering had overwhelmed him. It had been one thing he explained to think about darkness. It was another entirely to commit so much to any given set of ideas that he would be willing to kill his friends and family for it. 

When he finished his account of his experience with the dark side, Master Solusar seemed pleased. 

“It sounds to me like your encounter was one we may all touch at some point. While you struggled in its clutches for a while, with the help of a friend, you found your way back. It is a reminder that we all find ourselves in need of friends and fellow Jedi to help us along the way. Please remember this as you consider your trials.”

Kyle nodded in acknowledgement, but couldn’t help but wonder if Master Skywalker had a different opinion of him.

The Jedi Master caught up with him outside the sparring field just after breakfast the next morning.

“I want to apologize for my quick departure yesterday.” he opened with an expression that matched his words,  “It was unnecessary and probably made your story harder to tell than it otherwise would have been. I do not find your experience with the dark side too horrifying to handle. Just something about it hit me in a way I needed to sort out with myself and that was not your fault at all.”

“I appreciate the explanation but you don’t have to apologize, Master Skywalker.” He paused but then found he couldn’t resist exploring the hunch, “it was because of Mara, wasn’t it?

“Pardon?” All of a sudden, Luke Skywalker’s eyes seemed wider than usual, his expression more vulnerable.

“You handled all of it - my story of the voices and the disembodied feelings and power fantasies and the lies I told and the creatures I killed and my anger at Jan, all of it. You sat calmly and patiently filled with sympathy and understanding.” Kyle smiled,  “but then I told you that I’d threatened Mara. I told you I declared she would join me or die and that I’d held my lightsaber to her throat and she hadn’t flinched or backed down, and you turned to stone.” Kyle’s smile ventured into grin territory, “a very angry stone, I might add.”

“I -” The Jedi Master was beyond flustered.

“It’s okay, Master Skywalker. I care about Mara too. She’s one of my best friends and she and Jan have a great time together. In fact, you should see what they get up to when they visit with Mirax and Iella.” He watched the Jedi Master’s jaw drop slightly, “or maybe you shouldn’t.”

Master Skywalker pulled himself together but still seemed remarkably nonplussed.

“Yes, well, clearly the two of you have worked it out, and that is what matters. It’s none of my business and my reaction was not appropriate as your teacher. I am sorry.”

“Possibly not.” Kyle agreed, “but since you had a reaction, you might want to talk to her about it.”

“If she wanted me to know about it, she would have told me.”

Kyle looked at Luke suspiciously, “you sure about that?”

“Did you wish for me to hear the end of your account, or was it sufficient to share your story with Master Solusar and we can move on to preparing for your trials?”

[curewhimsy]

I feel awful for having to ask for insight (messy thoughts)

Hello. I still have a lot of questions about the Palestinian Genocide that I’m too afraid to ask. I would’ve sought insight earlier if I weren’t so scared I’d be criticized for not knowing.

I’m against Israel, I’m against their government’s genocide of Palestine, but there’s a lot I still don’t understand about the situation. I’m uneducated and legitimately don’t know where and how to research and get non-propaganda.

I also have a lot of trouble comprehending what’s happening. I don’t have very good comprehension skills. I know a lot of people would say “what’s there NOT to understand about a literal genocide?” And I get that, it’s just that I might have a comprehension disability. (I’ve always been awful at understanding history mostly because of all the perspectives I have to comprehend and such.) I also don’t know much about the political world in general.

First of all, I wonder why America is supporting Israel. It just seems heinously and cartoonishly evil that America is helping a government commit genocide, and because of how absurd it is, it confuses me… How is the USA even ALLOWED to do this? And why is there so much propaganda in the first place? What is the US getting out of lying? How many of these lies have truth to them?

I am angry, baffled and horrified, but also very confused. I have a lot of questions.

For example, the news keeps saying Hamas is a “terrorist group.” Is that statement propaganda? Is Hamas actually just fighting for liberation? Are they really holding Israelis hostage or are those made-up lies? Is Hamas blown out of proportion to make Palestine look bad? Also, if Palestine is freed, will Jewish people have a place? Should I even be caring about that? I don’t know where to find those answers. The internet is filled with propaganda and I have no idea how to tell what is and isn’t.

But I’m probably more brainwashed by the Israel propaganda on the news my parents watch than I care to admit. I’m not immune to propaganda. It’s especially hard when my parents believe everything they hear too.

To be honest, without tumblr I’d be completely in the dark. Even now, I almost have NO IDEA what’s propaganda, what isn’t, and how to tell if something is propaganda or not. I’m pretty amazed that so many people on Tumblr have so much perspective on the situation and such a clear understanding of it. Because I don’t, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t wrap my head around it.

I just don’t know where to get answers to a lot of questions I have.

Sorry about this. I just want to know how to educate myself so I can be another well-educated voice fighting for Palestine.

[etoilesombre]

Any plans for a What Lies Beneath sequel?!?

Oh the demon one?? 👀👀 So, the short answer is probably not, though I wish so.

My pace of actually producing writing has paradoxically slowed since I've started, I wish I could crank stuff out chill and easy but I have not yet cracked how to do that. And I have prior commitments. So. In order, here's the likelihood of sequels:

Flintmadi Book Thing: (By Faith of my Body, first chapter published) is the next real project I need to pick back up, I have it outlined, I have done all the research, I had momentum, and got side tracked. Because its HARD, god that one takes so much, they are both fuckin smarter than me, and they don't talk all that much in the show, making it Feel Right takes a lot.

Longfic (Another Troy to Burn): I need to wrap this up. I always said I would do it if it killed me, its my baby, its already a novel, its my Vision I had for them while watching the show. On the other hand, it has now been 2 (count them 2) years since an update, and honestly I have explored a lot of the things I wanted to explore in that in other places. When I think about just letting it go at this point, I'm more relieved than sad. But I do feel like I owe it to everybody, and also, it is the more practicing-for-writing-novels fic, I need to figure out how to wrap it up and actually do that, just to get my head back in that style of writing. But instead of following the whole way through canon, I will probably let this installation be the last and let it wrap up during the season break.

For to Fight the Cold: This one needs a sequel, it will be fun easy porn (this is a lie I'm telling myself, but, I do know in my head what happens next and I feel like I should share with the class.)

And then once all THAT (some part of that, at least the first two) is done, my plan is to work on Russia AU, which I am very excited about and I think will be totally able to be for real published with names changed.

And of course the thing I am ACTUALLY, CURRENTLY working on, has nothing to do with any of this (and is AwfulDark I'm so stoked)

Which is to say I would love to do followups for demon and also for cooking verse, but, I'm also happy with where I left them in those. FWIW, in demon, I did think a LOT when I was writing it about how Flint just is starting to come to terms with all this stuff about himself, but then when Miranda is killed.... he would very much give in to the darker side of a lot of those impulses, in a way that I personally am very interested in. I definitely have fun thinking about it and am happy to talk about it it's just... I have other obligations.

[sorcerous-caress]

I can't fall asleep so here is a fun story.

When I was 16-17, I watched that russian sleeping experiment video, and it stuck with me for a while. I thought there was no way it's real, like it was clearly a creepypasta, but also I knew the best lies were built on half-truths, so it must have held some truth to it.

I did some digging on the Internet and found an article that stated how the stages the human body goes through the more they go without sleep. It was summer break, and I thought, what's a better use of my time than testing this out on myself?

I was curious and skeptical, i felt like some of the stuff in these articles were exaggerated. I didn't have a plan i just had a lot of free time, a locked room, lots of energy drinks, coffee, and a very uncomfortable chair.

The first day went easy. I spent it normally and stayed up playing video games and watching movies. Nothing unusual.

The second day went fine at first but I had to give up the bed, I dragged a very uncomfortable plastic chair into my room, it didn't even have arm rests. That's also the day i started slowly drinking energy drinks. My focus was deteriorating so I couldn't do anything but scroll through the apps on my phone.

The third day is when strange things started happening. By that point, I was unbelievably exhausted. I drank so much caffeine that I could see the veins on my hands slightly bulging out, and their colour was more prominent.

I couldn't stay sitting down because I would fall asleep, so I forced myself to get up every 10 minutes and walk around the room in circles. I was listening to loud metal music at max volume during the whole thing because the second my mind relaxed, I knew I'd fall asleep.

It was barely the start of the day too, this was me 1/4 through the day. I really didn't to fail now especially when I came this far.

The article mentioned that the hallucinations start on the third/fourth day. It's also when your brain forces you to fall asleep each time you blinked, it's called microsleep.

I did experience it. It wasn't like a normal blink where the world around you resumed, more like a long, slow blink that disconnected you from your brain for a second before you snapped back into reality.

So i kept this routine up for 3 hours. Sit, scroll through social media, stand up, walk around, and sit back down. Rinse and repeat.

I kept reading through the article, It was the only thing motivating me at that point. Especially since I had an argument with a friend earlier during day 2, when they screamed at me to go to sleep. I almost ended up losing them because of it, so I just lied and said i will go sleep.

They just didn't get it, yk? I already committed to this. I can't turn back after everything I endured. I wanted to see what happens, to witness it first hand because each one of those articles about sleep deprivation sounded like the plot of horror movies, and I wasn't buying it at all.

Also, I hate the taste of black coffee, but by that point, I just swallowed it all down without care. I don't even remember if it tasted like anything. My hands were shaking so much, but I knew I'd fall asleep without it, so I kept going.

I successfully made it halfway through the day, I've reread the same article so many times.

I kept thinking about the hallucinations, wondering when they would finally start. Would it be like seeing a ghost in the room? Auditory hallucinations were out of the question because I never stopped listening to the loud music, I also locked myself inside my room, just in case I attempted to wander outside and sleep on a couch or fall down the stairs by accident.

While I was circling the room, I kept staring at the poster on my wall. It was the Vitruvian Man by Da Vinci. It was the only humanoid poster I had up, so my eyes kept naturally seeking it out.

And there was something about its stare.

Each circle I finished would get me closer to it bit by bit, I couldn't see anything else besides it. I couldn't stop feeling like its eyes was speaking to me.

I kept remembering the article and the hallucinations, wondering if this is when it's finally starting. I embraced it and felt excited, i wanted it to speak to me, to come out of the poster and stand in front of me.

I couldn't even hear the loud music in my headphones anymore, only its stare. I stopped walking and kept standing still staring at it, waiting for something to happen.

But the look in his pupils, the crystal clear meaning of it.

Oh, i realised, it wants to kill me.

That empty stare in those soulless eyes, terror washed over me, and all excitement was replaced with fear.

Genuinely bone-deep fear. Me, a teenager in the 21st century who has had a comfortable modern life for all my years of living, felt true fear for the first time in my life.

It's going to murder me, I kept repeating. I was afraid to look away because I genuinely believed it would jump out at me the second I did.

Then I remember day 4 in the article, how they described that any hallucinations will get more intense, more real.

I was terrified, and I didn't want to die, so I did what any normal person would do when faced with a whispering cheap poster of an old creepy painting.

I caved in and went to sleep.

Laid on the bed, i imagined it walking behind me, I imagined him slowly moving towards me.

My heart was beating so much, every fiber of my being was beyond terrfied.

I was convinced he is standing in front of the bed.

Thankfully tho, It didn't take more than 3 seconds for me to fall asleep after I closed my eyes, I didn't even have to try.

I've only made it to the middle of the third day, by the time I woke up, it was the afternoon of the next day. I slept a whole day and my body felt beyond broken.

I needed to eat, i needed water, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I did all of these things in an hour and then immediately went back to bed.

I slept for another full day.

The following week, I slept for 16 hours per day, then it dwindled to 13, then 8, and after a month, I went back to my normal sleeping schedule.

But the thing is, the painting doesn't have eyes, really. Not clear ones, at least. They're so small already, and it was printed on a cheap poster, so they were basically a couple of pixels.

Yet I remember seeing clear eyes on the third day, with pupils and everything, i could almost count the eyelashes. And they didn't seem out of place either, it felt like they were always a part of the painting.

Anyway, I never threw that poster out. It cost me 10$, which to a broke teenager was a lot of money. Also, Da Vinci is a pretty chill guy. I felt kinda mean to throw his painting out over one murder hallucination.

I did get my answers, tho! My experiment wasn't a complete failure, and I went back to the friend I lied to so I could inform them of my results. They weren't pleased, and we ended up falling out because of it. It's alright.

But since that day, i never could stay up much. Like whenever I get sleepy, I really really get unimaginably sleepy. Feels like my brain removed my admin access to my sleep cycle, and I lost the ability to stay up for more than a day.

Probably for the best, it's been years since this happened and my sleep still suffers from the same problem really. Which is funny because sometimes I do get insomina and can't sleep, but it never lasts for more than a day before my brain forcefully shuts me down.

It was fun I guess? I don't recommend doing it because the results aren't that impressive really. Thank fuck I didn't have a mirror in my room at the time, I feel like it would've made the hallucinations come by quicker.

Also, I am very aware of how stupid and an endangerment of my life it was to do that, now that I'm grown at least. You don't have to tell me about it. I don't plan on repeating it, and none of you should, really. It's more of a cool story I tell nowadays, a found memory of when I almost self-indunced psychosis. And yes! That russian experiment video was fake af.

Anyway, here is the painting for reference.

I had tiny stickers to cover his peepee so dw dw.

I couldn't find the article I was reading at the time, but here is a really similar one that explains the stages and is very accurate to what I experienced.

Imma sleep, goodnight <3

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Normally at work, if I have a break or an admin block, I barricade myself in an empty classroom with my headphones. There’s a break room where most people go for those bits, but I find it difficult enough to be around people all day, and some time off from people is really the main thing I’m looking for in a break. I am lucky enough to work in a centre that’ll have at least a couple of rooms empty at any given time, so spending my breaks there is an option. It’s really hard and it pays almost no money, but there’s one advantage, I guess. Empty rooms.

But this week they had me working extra long hours, and that shared staff room has a couch in it, and it was empty during my break, so I decided to just sit down on the couch in there and be comfortable for a bit. Put my headphones on, of course. My quite good noise canceling headphones. They don’t pay me a lot of money, but I will use what money I have on headphones that cancel out noise (also on a large trip to London and Edinburgh for which I’ve been saving all year, I just went to the currency exchange place today and took out some British pounds, this is fucking happening in two weeks from tomorrow).

I had my headphones on and was listening to the second-last episode of this Godforsaken radio show, and Ray and Ed were doing their child voices that make me laugh really hard, and I think I sort of forgot where I was. Normally, when I’m in an empty classroom, I make an effort to avoid laughing out loud because the walls are pretty thin, but I will laugh visibly. I sort of forgot, today, that while in the shared space I should try to be less visible about it.

In the middle of the laughter I definitely stopped to visibly wince a bit, because there’s a party where Ray suddenly stopped and told Ed, “The only thing I’ve not had enough of is you,” and I think he just meant that Ed Gamble was the only thing about FUBAR Radio that didn’t make him want to quit that job, but he said it really soon after reiterating that he’d had enough of everything in the world and that’s why he actively wants to commit suicide, and I took a moment from the laughter to wince at what a wildly intense thing “The only thing I’ve not had enough of is you” is to say in that context. So my reaction was laughing, wincing at the incredibly messed up thing that got said, then laughing again. The last few episodes of this radio show have induced a lot of that back-and-forth. Laughing, Jesus Christ Ray maybe take it down a notch, laughing. (Obviously… obviously I do not actually go around prescribing “take it down a notch” as a cure for mental health crises. But also, most mental health crises are not broadcast on live radio. If someone is broadcasting their mental health crisis on the radio, the best advice for their own sake is probably to take it down a notch while live on air, even if that might happen at the expense of some funny stuff, hence me occasionally feeling slightly conflicted for laughing at parts of the show.)

For about one minute of this I could vaguely hear a voice behind me, but I’d sort of forgotten I wasn’t in an empty classroom so I figured I was just hearing other therapists with their clients like usual. Until I heard my name, turned around, it turns out my coworker had been standing there for an entire minute, trying to talk to me, watching me listen to this podcast. I quickly paused it and apologized and explained about the noise canceling headphones. And she said oh, it’s fine, she didn’t need to say anything important, but since she first tried to get my attention, she’s become more interested in just watching me laughing but also wincing, and wants to know what I’m listening to.

And I didn’t want to answer that question. Because she hadn’t planned to have a whole big conversation in which I explained a whole big thing, neither of us wanted that. I hate being asked to explain hobbies in casual conversation with people I don’t properly know. The worst is when people ask about music I’m listening to, if they ask at a time when the answer is some Nova Scotian folk music, which it frequently is. Because they don’t want me to explain who this Nova Scotian folk singer is. They don’t actually want to get into that. But they also don’t want me to just say the name of a singer they’ve never heard of and then move on without explanation, that’s weird. And I definitely can’t say “You’ve probably never heard of it.” I was allowed to say that until about 2010, when there was this whole big backlash against hipsters, which mainly consisted of people making fun of the idea of someone being asked about their music taste and replying “You’ve probably never heard of it.” I don’t think I qualified as hipster at any point, but the backlash greatly annoyed me, because, well, you probably haven’t heard of it. It’s fine, I don’t think I’m better than you for that. Quite the opposite, I was self-conscious about my music taste for years because I got made fun of for it at school by people who hadn’t heard of it. You don’t have to have heard of it. I probably haven’t heard of your stuff either. But let’s not try to get into a whole explanation of it in a twenty-second work chat.

When she asked me this, I briefly thought of the last time this came up at work, a month or so ago. I was in a session, client had a meltdown, I work at an autism centre so that is pretty common. This client was often soothed with music, I put on a particular song that I knew had been working lately, he calmed down instantly. Another staff member had come in to assist with the meltdown, and she asked me what the song was. I said oh, it’s some Welsh folk music (a really lovely song, if anyone's interested). She asked me where I got it, I said a radio show recommended it, she asked which one. My brain automatically did the thing it always does when I’m asked about a thing someone’s probably never heard of, and I don’t want to explain it from scratch, so I try to find some connection to something they probably have heard of. In this case, I was exhausted from dealing with the problem, not really thinking straight, so made the connections in my head without thinking about whether they were relevant or how weird a thing this was to say, and offhandedly told her, “Okay, you know John Oliver? This song was made by his ex-girlfriend’s finace’s friend. Yeah the guy with the late-night show. It’s not important. The point is it’s working. Let’s turn up the volume a bit.” She didn’t ask any follow-up questions.

Today, when my co-worker asked me what I was listening to, I briefly thought of that. I wondered what the shortest route would be if I wanted to again draw connections to something she’d have heard of. “Okay, you know Mr. Bean? Well, his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend does a podcast with a guy. And that guy used to do a podcast with a different guy. And after that podcast they made a radio show on a pretend radio station in 2014. That’s what I’m listening to. Any questions?” That’s what I immediately thought of, though to be honest, I think we’re getting fairly close to the point where I could cut out the first couple of links in that chain. Where I could say James Acaster’s name to most people in Canada, even ones who aren’t comedy nerds, and they’d know who that was. I’m quite sure this co-worker of mine doesn’t know who James Acaster is. But a lot of people do these days.

I did not explain to her anything about Mr. Bean or James Acaster. I briefly thought of that, but what I actually said was that it’s a British radio show from 2014. She said, “Oh, is it really dry humour?” I guess because her association with comedy from Britian is that they do dry humour there. Normally in that situation I’d just say yes whether it’s true or not, because that’s the answer that’ll end the conversation without requiring further explanation, but in this case, calling mid-breakdown Peacock & Gamble “dry humour” was so incredibly inaccurate that I couldn’t bring myself to do it, so I said no, it’s not. And she said “Oh,” because I’d kind of shut down the conversation, and it was kind of awkward, as I’d just told her she was wrong but couldn’t think of a socially reasonable way to offer further explanation. Then she went to set up for her next session.

I’d argue that her asking “Is it dry humour?” just because I told her a show is British is a sign that she probably doesn’t know who James Acaster is, even if he is breaking North America, fame-wise. I hope I don’t come off as judgemental for making that assumption, because I certainly don't mean it as a negative judgement. I am definitely not better than her because I’ve heard of James Acaster. She’s always showing up to work with stories of cool social things she did, and events she attended. She is objectively doing life better than I am. Doing much more important things with her time than listening to a British radio show from 2014.

I think when I started this post I thought I was building toward some sort of point, or at least conclusion, but I can't remember what it is now. I have one episode left of the radio show. The second-last one was pretty bleak; I'd say it was the first time they hit a point where Ray Peacock got so rough, mentally, that he stopped being funny for a bit. Which is fine, by rights that should have happened way earlier. And it was only for a bit. As my co-worker saw, lots of that episode was still very funny. This is why I barricade myself in empty classrooms.

[cosmereplay]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by @chaos-monkeyy for a WIP check-in, thank you! 😊

I'm tagging @wanderingchanneler, @ternaryflower53, and @comiclysmic if you'd like to share anything you're working on--no pressure!

I need people to know that yes I am still working on Plausible Deniability and no I didn't expect that my last update was in JULY?? How did that happen? *cough* anyway here's some proof that I'm actually writing something:

(Rated Mature for mentions of sexuality. This is a Shakadolin fic btw)

Do what you’re good at, Shallan, Radiant encourages her. Calm them down. You can work it out.  Shallan nods. She takes a breath and opens her eyes, standing to break up a fight. Her head tilts. What she sees isn’t unlike a fight.  They’re kissing, Adolin grasping desperately at Kaladin’s waist, and Kaladin fisting Adolin’s uniform, seemingly unable to decide whether to push him away or pull him in closer. They’re twisting around each other, grappling, shuffling, frowning, panting small moans and grunts between smacks of their lips.  Her heart starts to pound, putting her on the verge of panic. She feels like she's reacting every way at once. Her husband is kissing another man, right in front of her? Not to mention he's kissing a man she happens to be currently dripping for…storms. Had she seen this a day ago, without these feelings for Kaladin flooding her body, Shallan might’ve been angry. She can see the truth in the way he moves–Adolin doesn’t just want to experiment with other men. He wants Kaladin. And Heralds save her, so does she. She wants in. Shallan stands and coughs, and the men immediately break the kiss. They push each other apart, glancing away with guilty expressions, shamespren falling between them. Adolin’s eyes are wild. Shallan knows he wasn't sure about Veil's plan, and it looks like his night with Kaladin blew him over. When he's unstable he can get impulsive. Has she finally pushed him over the edge into madness? All her lies and deceptions and half truths… Is this what breaks him? She steps forward, her body tingling with mixed emotions, her mind scrambling to find the right words.   Adolin speaks first. His voice comes out in gasps, as if he still hasn’t caught his breath from the kiss. “I’m so sorry,” he says, and steps forward, wiping his mouth. “I made a mistake. I’ve broken our oaths. Please don't leave me. I–” he gestures helplessly, frantically. She takes his hands, one wet, one dry. This is real. “No. Adolin, this isn't your fault. We're going to fix this. Together. Like Kaladin said. Right Kaladin?" She nods at him, and he seems to shake himself off. Resolutely, he steps forward, putting a reassuring hand on Adolin's shoulder. "The ardent said we can't…unspill the wine, so to speak," he says, voice gruff and low. "All we can do is, uh, pour it evenly." He slides his thumb up and down across Adolin's collarbone, which focuses the tingling in Shallan's body as she watches. He glances at Shallan and her heart skips a beat. Oh storms, he really believes it. He really is as committed now as he was when we talked about it. Kaladin raises his eyebrows at her, as if to say yeah, but you say it.  Fair enough. She meets Adolin's eyes, uncertain whether she is about to calm the storm or add power to its winds. "When we were talking earlier, we came up with a solution. I can put myself in your place, do the same things with Kaladin that you did, and then you don't have to worry about breaking your oaths because I've done it too. We'll be even and we can go on from this together. Like always."  Will it be even? Veil asks. What about all those times I– Not now!

[secondbreakpoint]

I’ve watched the episode, I’ve processed

- I like it. It’s stupid, it’s convoluted and created glaring plot holes for those of us who care about such things, but it’s a way for them to explore Carlos as a character, for him to grow and for Rafa to show off his acting skills

- I don’t think it’s ooc for Carlos at all, not just because we’ve seen him keep huge things from people before, (king of compartmentalization) BUT no amount of ignoring shit you don’t want to deal with prevents it from bubbling up, and in fact, the huge effort he puts into looking like someone who’s in control and has-got-there-shit-together is compensation for how out of control and anxiety riddled he feels!! And the shame! The shame and guilt he feels constantly come on it makes perfect sense.

- I can only speak for myself, but if I was engaged to someone and she told me she got married at 18 out of anxiety and self-hate my instinctive reaction would be sympathy too.. I would absolutely not consider it cheating just because it is the institute of “marriage”. It never was and never will be a real relationship or anything that could come between Carlos’s commitment to tk. I know this and tk knows this, which is what’s important ultimately.

- The lie is bad. He should not have lied. tk has every right to be upset and mad (as he always had the many many times Carlos has messed up in the past lol). But I loved the growth his reaction showed both his personally and them as a couple. Anyways the lie is huge and that’s the point. Like.. that’s why it’s so interesting 

- It actually makes the whole deal with his parents make more sense. And honestly my head canon was def that he tried to be with women at some point and let me tell you that is heartbreaking and very very relatable. It also makes me super curious about what made him give up, like when was his first kiss with a guy? What other relationships (if any) did he have before tk? hmmmm 

- I know this twist has upset a lot of people and I sympathize. But it’s just a matter of opinion, not fact. If this has ruined Carlos and the Tarlos relationship for you that’s understandable. I loved Ted Lasso but when the whole Sam/Rebecca romance happened I didn’t like it and stopped watching. It happens. Everyone has different boundaries and red lines and that’s cool, you know?