#it lies in watching it all happen to myself but not wanting to commit to stopping it

[desire-mona]

the time jumps in i saw the tv glow make me so fucking insane and i can never let it go. 2 years, 8 years, then 20, each jump taking more and more out of owen as we watch him decay into a painstakingly unvariable excuse of a protagonist. no matter how big of a jump in time, we never really feel like we've missed out on anything at all. the only real change we experience is what monotonous, yet colourfully and visually overstimulating job he's trudging through, all to live the unfulfilling life he feels is the most safe. no known ambitions, no known lasting relationships, even the family he says he loves more than anything feels less like a feat, and more like a giant step back in the journey we know he needs to go on.

3 decades pass in the span of an hour and 40 minutes, a speed that would seem overwhelmingly fast, yet we stay tuned into the comfortability of that perpetual survival. we know what's going on, and we dont need to play catch up if there's nothing to catch up on. yet despite that comfortability of knowing where and when owen's stuck, it is killing us to know that the potential of what he could be and experience goes unacknowledged through the painstaking amount of years. and it's made all that much worse when we're forced to remember that the slow death we're watching is all the more real, both literally and figuratively, to owen.

[balkanradfem]

How I quit religion

Parts of this story are dark (religious abuse, suicidal ideologies), and I am going to leave some things out to prevent any identifying information.

I was born in a place of religious women, and m*n who also belonged to the religion, but had none of the obligations or pressure to practice it, and nobody judged them for what they did. As a female child, it was mandated that I be in church every Sunday, or even multiple times a week if there was a special mass, I had to confess my sins regularly, attend religious classes, go trough religious ceremonies and practice catholic holidays. I didn't question it much at the start, because everyone was doing it; though males did way less. The church was filled with women, everyone was attending those classes and ceremonies, everyone believed in what the Bible was saying. But I had an additional problem with religion, that I couldn't tell if everyone else also had going on, or if it was just me.

I had a family member, who was not mentally healthy, and liked to use religion to gain control of other family members. 'God's watching you, he will get you for this, you will burn in hell forever for this, you'll get yours' were phrases commonly thrown at me during my childhood, and I started to get a sense, that I was in fact, constantly watched. I would become so self conscious I couldn't be alone in my room without the sense of being monitored, judged, and having someone plan a punishment for anything that could be perceived as wrong.

This will get worse over time!

One thing about me that nobody liked or approved of, was my deep belief that I knew better than anyone else, so I kept my opinions to myself. But listening to what god did in my religious classes, I felt like he went very wrong with how he was getting things done. Making people then putting one tree in front of them and telling them not to taste that? Rookie mistake. Don't put the tree there if you don't want them to eat that. Why was that so hard for him to figure out?

I also felt a lot of disdain towards 'drowning all people because people were bad', because I knew not all people were bad, and this god just didn't feel like picking out who was good and who was bad, and drowned everyone but one guy and his wife. This god was lazy! I had my own ideas about how I would handle that situation and it was not a genocide. So of course I felt my methods were superior.

Things we learned in our religious classes also helped me get more critical; we started learning about religious wars, and I was affronted by this; I was anti war. Having a war in the name of religion felt like two opposing things that should not overlap; religion was supposed to bring peace, help the poor, help people be good. Why was it committing mass murder? At one point we learned about catholics putting small kids on the front lines of a battle, hoping the enemies would show mercy and not attack the children, but the result was that all kids were killed. This was my turning point. I was looking at the preacher in disbelief, was I still supposed to support this religion if these were the foundations? They put their kid's lives on the lines instead of their own? Despicable, gross and disgusting behaviour. I wouldn't stand for this. But everyone else in class was apathetic and non-reactive, I was the only one mad and upset about the situation.

The preacher also decided to tell us later on that the story of Adam and Eve was made up, and that we now actually agree with evolution theory, and as much as I appreciated having the human evolution explained to me, I would not forget that they lied to us. If they could lie to us about Adam and Eve, what else was fake? What else was just a made up story?

I started to think that everyone around me was just pretending to believe all this, because it stopped making sense. If god did exist, why were horrible things happening constantly, to good people? Why was I being told to fear god and expect judgment and punishment if he was supposed to love me? I couldn't make sense of it, but I also didn't yet completely stop believing, because it felt weird that everyone else still did. It was still very much expected of me to believe, and felt like a too big of a step to take, to single myself out from the entire community, family and surroundings, by deciding I'm just not into this anymore. It takes a big push for a person to do that.

But I had that push. If you remember a family member who liked to convince me that god is after me and going to get me, this got way worse when I was in my early teenage years. The threats and the fear-mongering now turned into full blown out screaming about how I would burn in hell forever, and this went on for hours, sometimes multiple times a week. And I was just a girl, susceptible to what I was being told, or screamed at, and eventually I started thinking it's true. I was holding beliefs against god, and I guessed that for thinking that I was smarter, could do better, I was being offensive and sinful. I couldn't think of anything worse that I'd done to deserve eternal damnation, but from how often I was being being threatened with it, I couldn't fight the idea with a clear mind anymore. I became convinced that regardless of what I do for the rest of my life, even if I spent every moment being kind and good and nice to everyone, I would still burn in hell, just for my secret inner thoughts.

This made living difficult for me.

Things stopped making sense. Why was I trying so hard to be kind if at the end, I would just be burned forever? If this punishment is coming for me anyway, wouldn't it be better if I just go now, instead of anticipating it all my life? What is the point of even being alive, if I can never redeem myself, if I can never do anything to change what the ending would be? I lost my will to live because all I could see is the hell awaiting for me, and I would be devoured by it no matter what. It felt hopeless.

Unless, if it wasn't real.

Unless I was being suicidal over something made up, and there was no hell. No heaven. No god. No nothing. What if I was being tortured by empty tales? Could I decide that hell didn't exist? Could I stop my spiraling just by deciding none of this is real, and that I don't need to fear eternal damnation because it was made up?

And so I did just that. It took me a week to analyze the entire premise of christianity – god made us, now he judges us, but still allows whatever to happen, only punishes bad people later – it made no sense. Because god doesn't need to do any of that, in the original premise he is all-powerful, he can make thousands of worlds and not care at all, why would he be preoccupied with actions of individual people? If he was involved, then why would he let people like my family member, use his name to threaten others? If he's all powerful why would he care about what people do at all? He doesn't need people. We're no use to him.

But people need god. They need to believe there's some higher force who will be there when they need something to go their way, who would make things okay for them, who would bend chance and fate to protect them from random disasters, who would punish everyone that was cruel to them. They needed god to make the world safe and just. And also, I felt, for mass control of people's behaviour. Hell is a big threat of punishment if you don't follow the rules, and how else can you make people follow rules except with a threat like that?

But I didn't need to be threatened. Kindness came naturally to me. I wouldn't hurt people regardless of eternal punishment. I could opt out and still be a positive force in the world.

And so I quit. I remember still giving it the slightest chance when I had my last religious ceremony at the age of 16; I said okay last chance, god, if you're real, give me any kind of sign by the time this ceremony is over, anything I will notice, it can be anything. I'm paying attention.

The ceremony was over rapidly. No sign whatsoever. I remember standing there in the church afterwards, in my weird religious outfit, with complete certainty then. Yep, I thought so. I'm alone from here on.

I was a practical girlie. What's the point of god if you can't count on him to do one thing.

I had to tell my friend I didn't believe in god anymore; she was scandalized, and thought I was lying. She would accept it a few years down the line. I had to tell my religious teacher in high school, and I tried to explain myself and said: 'I just started thinking it trough—'

'You started doubting.' She cut me off.

I looked back at her astounded. I knew I was being chastised for my doubt, but if something would fall apart the second you had a doubtful thought about it, wasn't it obviously fake and worthless? I couldn't understand how she could keep believing in something while knowing that a single critical thought would tear it into pieces. I started losing respect for her intelligence. Cultural pressure went over my head in that one.

I never went to church again, and the local priest was offended; he came to our house and confronted me about it, and I just said 'no I don't believe in your religion', and he came down at me with 'you'll never be allowed to marry in church' and I shrugged my shoulders and said 'fine'. He was not expecting that, and then told me I need to come tomorrow and sign a document saying that I will never be getting married in a church, and I again shrugged and said 'fine'. But I didn't go, I was offended that he thought I should be doing his work for him, and I certainly would not step a foot into a church. Ew.

I was also offended that he stopped me in the middle of carrying laundry up to dry just to confront me about his nonsense, can you imagine standing in a way of a woman carrying out a task? I thought it was sinful behaviour. Doesn't that go against religion? And why did he think that banning me from marriage was a functional threat, was I supposed to care about marriage? I've seen marriages and wanted no part of that. I didn't yet understand that young women were groomed to believe they were only good for marriage; I wasn't yet aware that it didn't work on me because I was a lesbian so a marriage to a male was a bigger threat than anything that guy could say to me.

That's another reason I was incompatible with religion; I immediately gave myself the permission to judge the priest. Holy authority meant nothing to me. Even as a child I was passing judgment on god. I knew better. The priest was just some guy who believed in nonsense. My family was disgusted with my behaviour. I could not have cared less.

I had, during my young adulthood, researched all other religions and read countless spiritual books, to see what the difference was, and if anything clicked. I was shocked to find out that all major religions of the world had the almost exact same story, same beliefs, just different practices; I couldn't understand why they all had beef with each other then.

I became engaged in spirituality. For a while I was trying to see auras, meditating regularly, communicating with angels and ghosts and spirits, until I realized all of that was bad for my mental health, so I quit spirituality as well. In the heart of every spiritual movement was intense victim blaming, and every time I would find it deep and hidden inside the books, I would lose heart and get more mentally ill. I was also scared I would get recruited into a cult and stayed away from other 'spiritual' people, I could tell I was vulnerable to it and that I have to clock and block every woowoo person I see. Most people writing spiritual books are doing it indoctrinate readers in their personal cult and I could tell by then.

I had to figure it out for my own, without looking for answers in a book.

Years later, I would finally read my first feminist analysis of religion, to find out that not only it's deeply oppressive but also massively sexist and homophobic. My resolve to keep away from it only steeled up with every new information I got, especially the latest one, finding out that in my area catholic religion allowed people to enslave people of other religion. Excuse me? It also enraged me to find out we used to have a pagan tradition, protecting nature and holding it sacred, only to have it obliterated and nature recontextualized to resources we can just exploit for money, causing destruction and global warming. Religion is about lying to gain control and getting away with crimes against women and environment. They were not only vital in the oppression of women, but the destruction of the environment as well. I live here! I am a woman! How dare you.

Learning about the lost culture of paganisam made me sad. Apparently we had big statues of gods and goddesses of nature in forests, and the religious freaks destroyed them all. I would have loved to stumble on a statue of a goddess while wandering trough the forest, and to know that she is keeping the trees and the mushrooms safe. Our pagan origin story was not as sexist as the christian one; in our version we had both a male god and a female goddess; they made people out of different types of trees, women from linden, males from oak trees. The trees became sacred and we cultivated so many, there's still plentiful of both oaks and lindens everywhere, in every village and city. Isn't that a good spiritual practice, planting trees? It makes sense to me.

I don't believe that in the times of paganism there was no sexism; I'm sure some awful shit was going down, and that women suffered due to it. So I'm not trying to go back, or revive the practice, but I do like celebrations of natural cycles and sunlight and holding the soil sacred. Those are compatible with human life. I found nothing on this world worth worshiping as much as women, trees and sources of water. These are life-giving and invaluable. So I will stick to that. It feels right.

[definitelynotafurinasimp]

Kafka with a tsundere reader (I love Kafka SO MUCH…)

Kafka with a tsundere reader

characters: Kafka x gn!reader

warnings: none

a/n: GET YOUR WISHES READY. IT'S HAPPENING. Less than 24 hours until Kafka releases. So I decided now would be a great opportunity to write something for her, as something of an offering to the Gacha gods...

I'm so down bad for this woman. I swear...

I wish everyone pulling for her the best of luck and I’ll see you on the other side!

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Kafka

While the Stellaron Hunters were composed of all different kinds of personalities, the ones Kafka kept around herself the most weren’t the most jovial of creatures. Silverwolf ironically preferred to ignore the tendencies of the animal in her name and rather work alone, while Bladie never was all too talkative in the first place.

And then there was you, someone trying so hard to match the stone-faced attitudes of your co-workers, that it was almost a crime not to try and get you to show your real feelings. A crime Kafka for once in her life didn’t intend to commit.

Kafka’s teasing was a misfortune every Stellaron Hunter working with her at least once had to endure. One you begrudgingly had to admit was fun to watch whenever you weren’t her target, the urge to join in whenever the purple-haired woman broke through Silverwolfs stoic facade forcing you to bundle up all of your self-control on more than one occasion.

Today however, was not your lucky day, as it quickly became clear who today’s victim would be.

“Come on, finish what you just wanted to say”, Kafka urged you to continue with a smile so devilish even Nanook would have felt creeped out. It had been foolish enough of you to let your compliment slip out in the first place, especially when Blade and Silverwolf were in the room, but all hopes of not drawing a giant Target on yourself were lost when you cut yourself off in the middle of your sentence, making the fact that it was a slip up as clear as day.

“There is nothing to finish, I was just talking to myself”, you lied as naturally as you breathed, hoping it would be enough to get Kafka to stop. Only for your hopes to be crushed in front of your very eyes as you saw her face light up in a familiar way, one signaling that giving up was the last thing on her mind right now.

“You’re lying.” While being called out on your obvious lie already was enough to make you lose your composure, her teasing tone sent blood flooding directly into your cheeks, causing them to turn red in almost an instant

With one swift turn of your head towards Blade you silently begged him for help, only for your fellow Stellaron Hunter to face away, putting all of his attention onto his weapon. And while you ought to have felt betrayed by his action, knowing how you did the same whenever it was someone else’s turn made you unable to hold a grudge against him.

Silverwolf however was a different story. As when you glanced towards her, you weren’t just brushed off, but instead were greeted by an amused smile, one radiating enough Schadenfreude to feed an entire planet of sadists. Before you knew it however, your attention was once again drawn to Kafka as you tried your best to find the right words to say.

“...I said the new coat suits you”, you murmured out just loud enough for her to hear you, nevertheless she gave you one more teasing smile, one wider than all of the previous.

“That’s interesting, I could have sworn I’ve heard a ‘B’ somewhere. Something along the lines of ‘You look beau-’”, she continued, dragging the last word out in anticipation of what you would say while forcing you to look her in the eyes.

“You look beautiful today”, you finally whispered in defeat, her ears immediately picking up on your words. For a moment you expected her to pretend she didn’t hear you, forcing you to say it once again, just louder. However, it seemed as if getting you to spit it out was enough for her as she showed you a satisfied grin before letting you finally go. Sparring you the embarrassment of having your fellow crewmates hear what exactly you had said that caused you to get this stand-offish.

Or at least that’s what she let you think for a few seconds.

“Oh you think I look beautiful today? Thank you, you’ve got quite the looks yourself.” The big smile on Kafka’s face was hard to miss, although you were far too embarrassed to look back up at her, your red face glued to your shoes for at least the next hour.

No matter how hard you tried to match your colleagues' blank expressions, there was always one person for whom you were as easy to read as an open book.

[diamondkat]

I recently saw someone make an argument that Sinners deserved to have genocide committed against them because they are all rapists and murderers while getting upset at Charlie for trying to redeem these rapists and murderers to heaven where their victims are. I have always found this argument weird because even if they are all rapists and murderers, they are already basically in prison. Why do you think it is right for someone already facing a life sentence to have to deal with people regularly coming into the prison to indiscriminately kill them? They had already been kept separately from heaven. Charlie would not have felt the need to redeem them to heaven if heaven had not been committing genocide every year.

That's before we even get to the fact that everyone in hell are not there for being rapists and murderers. Living in hell might make you have to pick up some skills at murder but that doesn't mean that everyone in hell either committed murder or rape. Hell is basically an open-air prison and like most prisons where nothing is being done to rehabilitate or even watch over the prisoners, the worse people gain power over the other prisoners. Prisoners who come in for relatively minor offences become worse people than they were when they arrived to survive.

Under Christianity, things that can send you hell range from murder to telling lies to not being charitable. If we decide to go with Hazbin being only closely based on Christianity, then there is the fact that Hell in Hazbin is like a prison and just like a prison, murder and rape aren't the only reason people end up there. There are also thieves, arsonists, embezzlers, liars, and so on. Crimes range from severe to minor. However, they always throw rape and murder out as if they are the only things that could send a person to hell because those are the worst crimes they can think of that they feel validate committing genocide on people already serving an eternal sentence. This is before you even consider that there are child sinners in hell.

There are child sinners in the cannibal colony. We know that the cannibals are sinners because the exorcist killing them did not break the agreement with heaven and the playbill states that most of them were part of a colony that died in the 1910s. These children ended up in hell with the rest of their families because they partook in cannibalism. It didn't matter that why they did it or that they were children. Cannibalism was enough to send them to hell. If children can be sent to hell, then I doubt that rape and murder are the only things that people go to hell for. For those who might want to complain that this makes heaven look bad. I don't know how to break it to you that the system being flawed is one of the central themes of the story.

I can understand liking a character that commits genocide. I have a few genocidal/omnicidal faves myself. However, I have never felt the need to make excuses for why all their victims deserve it. There might be some that triggered it but by the time they are on the genocide route, they become like a natural disaster targeting both the deserving and undeserving. The beauty of a genocidal character for me is not having to overthink why they killed a specific person. They didn't have to do anything to deserve death, they just happened to be there.

[childrenofcain-if]

Hi! I want to start by warning that this will probably be a long rant about how much i love your IFs. But first, I hope you feel better soon!

The first IF of yours i played was the pjo one, which sent me down a rabbit hole of going through the rest of them (still haven't played tcs but i will soon 🤞🏻). It was just BAFFLING how people could be so purposefully ignorant about the concept of fanfiction and accused you over and over of plagiarism like, please go outside and touch grass, clearly the internet has stopped your brain from developing critical thinking.

Anyways, the adaptation was so well done and faithful while also exuding a newness to it that i am very excited to see unravel. I understand at the moment it has been paused (and I don't know if you've addressed why it's no longer up) and i hope with time you can feel comfortable with it again. None of the shit you've gotten was deserved or even understandable but alas, it still happened. As a content creator myself, i truly truly sympathize with you. I hope these words offer some comfort, however small.

Same goes for WLB, but the awe at how descriptive and raw your writing is really peaked through in something of your own creation. I find myself revisiting it and experiencing the exhilaration from my first reading all over again. I can't wait to watch everyone around my mc descend into eldritch madness as they become more and more unhinged. Consequences of my own actions? Never heard of them, i want my mc to go apeshit!

Now, gods where do i start... TBOTYG is *chef's kiss* flawless, i never thought i could become so obsessed with anything with only one part. I awaited the demo with baited breath, already anticipating all the ways you would surprise and impress (and you did). Every choice, every scenario, the way you build your plot and characters, your descriptions (I don't know if you can tell that I'm a little too hung up on the writing aspect of it) of characters and actions and feelings. The amount of work and effort you put into characterization is so very clear and it feels very freeing to have that amount of control over a character that we're supposed to "relate" to (in the context of the narrative, almost as if living vicariously through them). i think that no matter how much time passes, your IFs will remain a staple in the community and every player who finds your gems will feel blessed and changed after playing.

It's gotten to the point I've created a whole google doc of my MC, and made fake ig accounts with interactions (just for myself, to cope with the anticipation) and this is a level of commitment I've only felt with my own OCs and works. In such a short time, your IFs have carved a deep space for themselves in my life. I find myself replaying and going through their official pages religiously even though I've read every post already.

a question! will every LI's gender be chosen individually? I'm wondering because C and D are suitmates, but is it doable if they're different genders? same for mc and V. I'm thinking yes but also wanted to be sure

Honestly very very sorry for the long rant, I'm sure you have better things to do 😭😭 but i had the uncontrollable urge to express my feelings on your art and it took me an entire day of trying to talk myself out of it (i failed).

(also, here's my mc's profile and dm box. her royal highness maxine's ig profile is private btw. going for c route first. Mitică is the romanian diminutive for the name Dimitru, and opsis is an ancient greek concept i thought would fit V)

i’m speechless (sentimentally), dear reader 😭 i still can’t believe some people would take the time out of their day to think about my silly little worlds and the characters in it, less of all like how i’ve written my works. every single time i hit a writer’s block or have the whole doxxing trauma flare up again, i think of quitting but it’s the urge to write stories and the joy of sharing it with everyone that is still keeping me going.

i can’t explain how much your words mean to me because this is what i write for. to have people relate to or identify with or adore the world and characters i’ve built is such a dream within itself. from the bottom of my heart, i am thankful for every single reader who has always been nothing but supportive from day one. if elias has his apple, i have y’all. and no, it doesn’t mean y’all can have my meagre inheritance but it’s the sentiment that counts.

to answer your question, every single LIs gender will be selectable! blackthorne hall has individual bedrooms per suite so y’all will only be sharing the common areas and kitchenette with V while having your own personal space. it’s more like an apartment than a usual college dorm tbh.

oh and please, rant away! i’d love nothing more than to hear about your MCs and the various headcanons, questions, or theories you might have!

(also please knock C down a few pegs, they desperately need it 😔)

[studentbyday]

week 1 / small commitments challenge

Summary: I was not focused on my challenge goals this week. I was preoccupied, thinking about the different paths I could take and weighing my options for the next couple of years. Not a bad thing, except I let the thinking invade every moment of my life I had to myself. That includes when I was supposed to be studying ochem and when I was supposed to be sleeping and when I was supposed to just be getting on with my day and doing mindless self-care stuff as quickly as possible so I can dedicate time to what's urgent. Yes, I needed to weigh my options and gather information across multiple days, but I did not have to go about it the way I did. It led to me becoming overtired and having difficulty sleeping which led to me being unable to get through my ochem goals which prevented me from doing anything else. The more tired I became as the week progressed, the worse it got. So my two new priorities for next week are: No. 1: Get enough sleep with a consistent sleep time (9pm be in bed, 10pm at the latest) and wake time (7am ideal but 8am bare minimum). Soothe yourself until you're calm enough to sleep. Like you would a baby (e.g. swaddle, massage/gentle touch, dark room, don't voluntarily subject yourself to anything stressful or overstimulating in the half hour before bed). That's how you stop and keep out of the overtired cycle. No. 2: Lots of meditation throughout the day! 5-10 mins when I wake up, minimum of 10-15 mins before bed (unless perhaps i feel less frazzled thanks to the meditation breaks which help me stay focused throughout the day? idk), and 1-2 minutes in between big tasks (those that take 2h or more) in order to reset my mind before I move onto the next task and give my brain a rest after processing lots of info on a deep level, so it can sustain that level of activity throughout the day and the rest of the week. I'm hoping that by prioritizing rest, I can succeed at my new study routine (which has also changed from last week as my priorities have changed...yet again) and work more efficiently and quickly while staying cool in mind! A chaotic breakdown of the week aka my sleep-deprived end-of-day gibberish where I try to make sense of everything that's happened lies below 😅

Monday: sleep deprived -> slow start to the day -> quite behind schedule. i listened to 1 and a half chemistry lectures, added to the notes from last week, read and annotated 1 of the 2 sets of notes i'm supposed to read this week, and answered all except 4 questions of a practice quiz on last week's material. asides from this, i did 1/3 of an Algebra 1 lesson, took a nap, and practiced driving.

Tuesday: later start than yesterday bc i wanted to get enough sleep. overall worth it, but that meant there wasn't enough time to get everything done and there were lots of distractions to field. i only did ochem and practiced driving today. i didn't even finish all the ochem i wanted to (i finished 1.5 lectures again, added to notes, started reading the second set of notes for this week, and answered 1/4 of the questions for 1 of 2 assignments for this week). i'm still trying to find a routine that works for this subiect bc it's really condensed (most weeks cover 2 lengthy modules at once 😭) and it's not a subject that's that easy to feel confident in just right off the bat...at least for me 😅 who knows, perhaps for the time being, i'll have to spend more than 4 hours on it a day until i feel confident in the fundamentals?? i also have lots to improve on in my lecture notetaking skills (i.e. trust my memory more and write down notes only AFTER i finish watching a lecture instead of attempting to write notes DURING the lecture and getting confused -> rewinding)

Wednesday: my problem this week is that i'm very distracted. still trying to figure out which path is best for me (i.e. to transfer uni or change program within my uni if that's possible...definitely probably shouldn't stick with my current program tho, that's one thing i've pretty much decided), asking around, doing my own research, trying to think of any combo of reasonable options i haven't explored yet (this is what i was doing for a lot of today). i really hate unresolved issues. they stick around in my head until it's resolved and even if i'm not actively thinking about it, i can still feel its presence in the back of my mind (and if it's big and concerning enough, it will keep bugging me at inconvenient intervals)! 😤 and this issue will stay unresolved until i have made a decision. and even then, i might still question it until enough time passes to show me that it was the right decision 😅 it's like...either i'm in "re-assess" mode aka "question every decision i have made and could make and predict to the best of my knowledge where it will lead me and do i like where it leads me?" mode (WHICH CANNOT ALL BE ANSWERED IN ONE SITTING SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SCHEDULE THIS?!?! 😵‍💫😫), or "put your head down and do the work" mode wherein i'm in danger of losing sight of the bigger picture. i swing from one to the other whenever smth happens to make me realize i've stayed too long in one mode. (like in this case where i was feeling very annoyed with my current lifestyle, finally decided to say "fuck it" to my strong desire to stay within my comfort zone, and explored other options and their pros and cons which included grad school admission requirements 🤦🏻‍♀️). i'm grateful to have this many options, but today i got so overwhelmed by them and the deadlines by which i need to have made a decision and the fact that there's a lot of ochem this week to do which is more urgent but also not as existentially worrying that i decided to rid myself of the mounting anxiety with a cardio abs workout. 🥵😮‍💨😮‍💨 it worked...but now i am so pooped and don't wanna get up 😅 (update: i did get up and did a little more ochem)

Thursday: too tired to do all the ochem i wanted to (i did a little reading, a little bit of lecture watching, and finished the last 3 Qs on 1 of 2 assignments this week). i keep letting myself get overtired with my overthinking against my better judgment (like, especially after an intense workout the day before??? girl, you need to sleep!!!). anyway, i've finally pretty much decided to just switch programs at my current uni but i don't think i'll really believe i've made the decision (objectively! all on my own! using a weighted pros and cons list! 😁) until the end of this week. 😅 it will still be a more rigorous program, although not in the ways i expected (but still good!), and it will challenge me in all the right ways but i won't rack up as much expense (thank goodness! 🙏🏻) and it will be a shorter commute and i will get to spend more time with family which is just such a relief. i don't want to fall into the rat race mentality, tho sometimes i think i need to. but perhaps that's just FOMO and comparing myself against others in an unhealthy way. like, i don't actually want a rat-race/hustle culture type of life for myself if i have the option not to live one, yet i sometimes feel like i need to be a completely different person living a completely different lifestyle in order to really make it in this society...well, there are many ways to skin a cat.

Friday: ochem lab, watching another lecture, reading the ch, working on ochem assignment, and driving.

Weekend: sleepy. reset routine and family time. finishing up ochem submissions for this past week (done is better than perfect! 😤) and driving.

[onyxisnotuniqueenough]

i have 35 followers on this account.

and while 35 is not a lot, this is the most amount of people i can reach. i should have been doing this sooner but have been FUCKING STUPID about it and have kept silent about it on tumblr to maintain some kind of semblance of escapism for myself here. but my escapism doesn't matter. can palestinians enjoy the luxury of escaping their situation right now? are they LITERALLY able to escape the bombing. nevermind escape, survive any of the tactics pulled by israel to ensure their genocide?

there's a sense of guilt looming over my head telling me that i should be doing more, but in truth, there is not much i can do to help. telling me that i shouldn't take for granted the roof over my head, the safety of my loved ones, food, water, electricity, the ability to literally communicate with the outside world. so let me do the best i can and spread the message with as many people i can.

if you're also wondering what you can do to help, here are some things i am doing and am in the process of doing :

- follow news about gaza through livestreams from the outside : multiple sources have provided access to a livestream of what's going on in gaza. israel has cut off all communication and electricity in gaza and i have a pit in my stomach telling me that they just want no eyes on them for whatever they want to do. all we can do is watch from afar. stay updated.

- watch tiktoks from people who have signed up for the creativity fund on tiktok or similar stuff on other platforms : if you're not able to donate yourself, you can find lots of creators on tiktok using their 5 seconds of YOUR watchtime to donate to help palestine.

- continue sharing, promoting, and "liking" content about palestine : israel is literally doing its best to keep us and palestinians in the dark, metaphorically and literally, from what's happening and what they're planning to do. raise palestinian voices, help them grow, share their stories. everything is forever on the internet ? great. take advantage of that. sharing is a way to ensure that all information we have on the situation stays alive and can't be shadowbanned or deleted or anything. the more people palestinian voices reach, the harder it would be to silence them. it also makes it accessible to anyone and everyone to see the horrors committed by the state of israel, and debunk any fucking idiotic shit their twitter accounts is trying to spew with their photoshopped cartons of milk, their very false infographics and their general flow of lies and propaganda.

- if you can, email or contact your elected representatives. they're...well...supposed to represent you, and their position is more advantaged to get something done. here's a video on tiktok that i found explaining the importance of emails (specifically in canada, bit i'm sure it applies to other places too) :

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMjsax5Qj/

- boycott brands that support or fund israel. now first, let me tell you : the 729 or 871 you find at the beginning of a barcode is not a certain sign the product has been manufactured in israel. this has been debunked since the origin of this lie in 2021 :

https://factcheck.afp.com/social-media-posts-share-misleading-claim-barcode-prefixes-can-show-if-product-made-israel

https://www.google.com/amp/s/thelogicalindian.com/amp/fact-check/barcode-israel-28806

if you have a doubt, fact-check whatever company owns the product to buy, it only takes a few clicks.

second, if you think that boycotting is useless because you're just a grain of sand in the universe : that's absolutely not true. humanity is just a bunch of grains of sand. humanity is a COLLECTIVE. stop thinking your actions don't have an impact. they absolutely do. that's how we've been capable of making such an imapct on companies' stock already!

you probably already know about Starbucks, McDonalds, and Disney. Here are some more companies and brands to stop giving your money to :

- HP : Hewlett Packard helps run the biometric ID system that Israel uses to restrict Palestinian movement.

- Siemens : is complicit in apartheid Israel’s illegal settlement enterprise through its planned construction of the EuroAsia Interconnector. This will link Israel’s electricity grid with Europe’s, allowing illegal settlements on stolen Palestinian land to benefit from Israel-EU trade of electricity produced from fossil gas.

- Puma : Puma sponsors the Israel Football Association, which includes teams in Israel’s illegal settlements on occupied Palestinian land.

- Sodastream (has been bought by Pepsico) : Soda Steam is actively complicit in Israel's policy of displacing the indigenous Bedouin-Palestinian citizens of Israel in the Naqab (Negev). SodaStream have a long history of mistreatment of and discrimination against Palestinian workers.

- Ahava : Ahava cosmetics has its production site, visitor center and main store in an illegal Israeli settlement.

- Sabra : Sabra hummus is a joint venture between PepsiCo and the Strauss Group, an Israeli food company that provides financial support to the Israeli army.

these are the first results that popped up with a simple google search, but that's not all. There's also L'oréal, Garnier, Nestlé, and so many more. it's hard to keep track of all of them and jaw-dropping to see just how many of them are involved and actively supporting Israel.

here are some more links for brands and companies to boycott :

https://bdsmovement.net/get-involved/what-to-boycott

https://www.ethicalconsumer.org/ethicalcampaigns/boycotts

multiple instagram and tiktok pages also

if you've already purchased products from them, obviously, don't throw them away. If any product from one of these companies is absolutely essential or if you don't have any other viable choice, it's understandable. Do your best, and whatever effort you make on your scale is helpful. This is also an opportunity to support local shops and businesses, diy your own beauty products, cook more on your own, and instead of directing your money towards genocide, you could direct to donating to aid-to-palestine charities or literally to your pocket. but honestly, the idea of a 70+year ethnic cleansing and literal genocide should be enough.

- now this seems like the most obvious one so that's why it's the last bullet point : donate to charities that support palestine, sign petitions, etc.

there is footage out there of thousands of trucks that cannot cross palestine/"israel" borders because. well. of israel. these trucks contain food, water and hygiene products that donations were supposed to provide. this is heartbreaking that the help you hoped to provide couldn't reach the people it was supposed to reach. if you're thinking your donation is useless, well, i get it. i am having trouble even saying anything about that, because I myself am worried that it could be useless. But you have to stay hopeful, cause that's all most of us have right now. I would say to absolutely continue donating whatever you can to charities that support palestine, that provide water, food, shelter, and emergency medical care. You have to hope that it'll somehow reach them. You have to hope that it'll somehow stop.

At the time of writing, voting results at the UN General Assembly show a margin of 120!! to 14 (and 45 abstinents) for a ceasefire and immediate humanitarian truce between Palestine and israel. And now while that might seem like amazing news, let's remember that the General Assembly is for non-binding resolutions. FOR A BINDING RESOLUTION, the decision must be made by the Security Council. I'm not gonna explain everything, but the permanent members of the UN Security Council are fucking it over. here's full context :

Also, the letter tO THANK Biden that countless celebrities ??? disappointing too. some names on that list really surprised me, and i'm disappointed that people i have supprted in the past have turned around and thanked biden for supporting a genocide. it's so stupid and disappointing.

of course, feel free to tell me if i've cited the wrong sources, if i've missed something, or have said false info in anyway.

i'd also like to add that arab palestinians are not the only victims and that countless innocent jewish people have also been affected by the genocide. that the press vest has meant norhing so far. and that israel is not looking that closely into who they're killing. as Daniel Hagari said, Israel's method is "destruction, not accuracy."

MY HEART GOES OUT TO ANY VICTIM IN GAZA. IN PALESTINE.

BTW : I am not open to conversation with zionists or pro-israels. keep your anon asks very very very far away from me. i will not lend a ❤️listening ear❤️ to someone who ignores or defends genocide, and i don't see anything wrong with ignoring that kind of rhetoric. fuck you.

[pascaloverx]

Moonlight

Summary: You and Edward Cullen used to have a romantic relationship. But fate seemed not to believe in the possibility of a vampire and a potential she-wolf being together. Years after your separation, you return to Forks. Edward is committed to Bella Swan, and Jacob Black has his own pack. What happens when, upon your return, you begin to transform into a she-wolf and both Edward and Jacob seem eager to revisit the past with you?

Author's Note: GUESS WHO'S BACK? For those who wanted a second part, I suggest you interact with this chapter. The characters in this fanfic do not belong to me but to Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight universe. The story blends events that happened in the Twilight saga movies with invented ones. If you're enjoying the fanfic, please interact. This story will contain inappropriate language, explicit content and violence.

FINAL

THIRTEEN

Jace is asleep in his car seat in the back. He’s a calm baby, especially while in the car. The journey to Forks is long, particularly when you're driving alone. Jacob went ahead to take your things to his house. You’re afraid of what lies ahead, but you need Seth to tell you what happened to him. Night is nearly upon you when you finally begin to approach your destination, sensing that this journey will bring only challenges.

Jace wakes, whining loudly for you to feed him. Like his father, he sometimes feeds on blood, while at other times, he drinks milk like any other baby. You pull over on the side of the road to tend to him. In a thermal bag, a bottle filled with meticulously stored blood awaits your little heir.

At times, you wonder how difficult it will be when he grows older, forced to adapt to life as a hybrid without any examples to guide him in handling his vampire side. But the alternative—allowing Edward to discover that you gave birth to a child he never wanted, a child born from a love that no longer exists—is unthinkable. At least, that is what you tell yourself.

Gently, you lift Jace from his car seat, cradling him in your arms before offering him the bottle. He eagerly drinks, gripping it with surprising strength for his size.

A noise from the surrounding forest startles you, putting you on high alert. Jace finishes his bottle, his hunger sated, and offers you a small, contented smile. You quickly tuck the empty bottle away and secure your son back in his seat.

"So, you are the woman who lingers in Edward Cullen’s thoughts?" A voice speaks from a short distance away, startling you. You turn to see a vampire standing near your car. Instinctively, you shut the back door, ensuring your baby is safe, then fix your gaze on the stranger.

"Forgive me, but I do not believe we have met, nor do I understand your inquiry," you reply, your tone guarded. Something tells you to remain on high alert. For your son, you would do anything.

"I have not introduced myself, but for now, all you need to know is that the Volturi are watching you. There is a suspicion that the child you bore is more than a mere wolf, and we will be investigating further. Tell Edward that the Volturi have their eyes on him," the vampire says, his elegant attire and regal demeanor exuding an air of superiority as he studies you, as if attempting to unravel your secrets. With a slight bow, he disappears into the night.

Immediately, you rush to your car and start the engine. However, another vampire appears in front of it—this one muscular and terrifying. He places his hands on the hood, preventing you from driving forward. The situation unsettles Jace, who begins to cry, his little face scrunching up in distress. Your patience is gone.

"Jace, my love, mommy will take care of this and be right back," you say, turning to the back seat. You place his pacifier in his mouth and hand him his favorite stuffed animal. Then, you carefully put the noise-canceling headphones over his ears—the ones you recently bought. He clutches his toy, sucking on the pacifier as he gradually calms down. Unbuckling your seatbelt, you step out of the car, heading straight for the vampire.

"You vampires are ruining what was supposed to be a peaceful mother-and-child trip," you say loudly, preparing to shift into your wolf form.

"Victoria sends her regards," the vampire sneers, flashing his fangs at you. He is going to attack. Without hesitation, you charge at him, transforming mid-stride and slashing at him with one of your claws.

"You shouldn’t have done that," he growls, grabbing your wolf body with brutal force, attempting to break something.

The pain is sharp, but you thrash violently, your mind filled with the only thought that matters—who you are protecting. With a final surge of strength, you sink your teeth into his arm and tear it off, freeing yourself at last. The vampire looks enraged as he charges toward you at full force. Pain surges through your body, but you remain firm, bracing for the next attack. He throws a punch at your snout, but you anticipate it, and despite the pain, you sink your teeth deep into his flesh and shake him violently, tearing him apart.

With vampire blood staining your mouth, you rise in human form, intending to return to the car—only to see another vampire approaching your son. There is no time to react.

Before you can move, Edward appears behind the vampire and swiftly rips off his head. It is strange that your reunion happens like this—you, standing naked, while he protects your child. His child. Your car is splattered with blood, but your baby is safe.

"Are you all right?" Edward asks, noticing the difficulty with which you move, the wounds inflicted by the muscular vampire taking their toll.

"I could be better, but thank you for protecting my boy," you say, feeling a wave of embarrassment wash over you. You are truly grateful, but guilt gnaws at you. His son is right there, and he doesn’t even know.

"Do you need help?" Edward offers, watching you struggle to retrieve your emergency change of clothes from the car. For some reason, Jace starts crying as soon as Edward gets closer to you.

"Could you hold him? He won’t stop crying unless he’s rocked, and I need to get dressed," you suggest in a quiet voice. Under normal circumstances, you would never ask Edward to hold Jace, but as a mother, your child’s well-being comes before any discomfort or unresolved issues.

Edward nods silently, opening the car door and gently lifting Jace from his seat. Somehow, Jace has pulled off his noise-canceling headphones but still clutches his stuffed animal. Edward cradles him, soothing him with a soft hum. Taking advantage of the moment, you quickly dress, regaining some composure. A sharp sting reminds you of the wound on your abdomen from the fight.

"He looks like you," Edward murmurs while rocking Jace with careful tenderness.

"I always thought he looked more like his father. But Jacob says he resembles me, too," you reply, fastening the last piece of clothing.

"He is beautiful," Edward murmurs as Jace uses his tiny hands to caress Edward’s face, his fingers quickly brushing against Edward’s sharp canines. Edward bares his fangs playfully, and Jace, utterly delighted, bursts into laughter. He has clearly taken a liking to Edward, even without knowing that he is his father. Jace giggles as Edward holds him securely, growing accustomed to the weight of the baby in his arms.

"You and Jacob have built a lovely family," Edward says as Jace finally pulls his little fingers away from his mouth. How you wish you could tell the man before you that this family was supposed to be his. But you shake your head, pushing away any sentimentality, and step forward to take your son from Edward’s arms.

"Thank you for your help. I don’t even know how you knew we needed it," you say, cradling Jace close and seizing the opportunity to change the subject.

"Alice saw that a vampire with ill intentions would be here looking for you," Edward says while holding Jace’s tiny hand, playfully entertaining him. Jace bites Edward’s finger, using it to soothe his aching gums as his teeth threaten to emerge.

"Thank her for me," you reply, pressing a gentle kiss to Jace’s forehead as you rock him in your arms.

"Would you have told me you were back if not for this?" Edward asks, his tone more serious now as he meets your gaze. And just like that, you are back where you left off before you left Forks.

"It’s not as if we had anything to say. It’s been over a year since we ended things—nothing more courteous than staying out of each other’s way," you say, noticing how Jace watches your conversation with quiet curiosity.

"You could never be an inconvenience to me," Edward murmurs, catching you off guard. "You’re the reason my life has meaning." There is a weight in his voice, a sadness that suggests this time apart has been anything but easy for him.

"We were a mistake for each other, Edward," you say, stepping away while still holding your son as if clinging to a lie. And in truth, that is what it is—because Jace is the greatest right in your life, and he is the result of what you once had with Edward.

"The best mistake we could have ever made was staying together, Y/N," Edward counters, reaching out to touch your face as he steps closer. His touch stirs memories—of the happiness you once shared, of the wedding that never happened, of everything that made you love him.

"I don’t recall you saying that when I was forced to stand by my pack instead of marrying you," you reply bitterly, stepping back from him, unwilling to dwell on the past that still haunts you. You turn and place Jace in his car seat, deciding it is best for him to be shielded from the complicated nature of his parents.

"I wasn’t in the right frame of mind when that happened," Edward admits, his voice low with regret. "But you need to know that since you left, I’ve been miserable. My mind isn’t whole without you."

He moves closer as you shut the car door, his hands finding your neck, his lips just a breath away. Your back presses against the car, his presence overwhelming. It feels like a dream, like something that should have had a different ending.

"I can’t allow myself to live in our chaos anymore, Cullen," you say, taking his hands in yours and gently pulling them away. "I am a mother now. My son deserves a life free of turmoil. I’m grateful for your help, and for the way you treated Jace, but there is no future for us." Edward seems to finally accept the truth, his expression shifting as if reality has settled over him like a heavy weight.

"I’ll respect your decision," he murmurs. "But if you ever need me when it comes to your son, I’ll always be here." His gaze shifts to Jace, watching him play with his tiny fingers inside the car.

"You need to be careful," you warn. "These vampires came after me because of Victoria, and before them, some pompous vampire mentioned that the Volturi are either watching you or looking for you. If things with the wolves are already tense, having the Volturi on your trail is even more dangerous." Edward smiles at your concern, then straightens and leans in, pressing a lingering kiss to your forehead.

"God, how I’ve missed you," he whispers as he pulls away. And then, when you open your eyes again, he is gone—no farewell, no final words. But you know this won’t be the last time you see him. With a quiet sigh, you return to the car, resuming your drive to the Black's house.

[and-i-will-kiss]

"You bastard, where's my money?"

"I won it fairly!"

"You cheated!"

These two are deep into a heated argument outside the green of the Troskowitz pub. It's late, I'm tired, but still... Sometimes I don't know what compels me to do things no one asked me to.

I pull out my most man-at-arms pose and question them. Look at me, an outsider imposing order where I wasn't welcomed. The thought never crossed my mind, it's just that I'm so used to stick my finger under peoples noses. But this isn't Sasau. Why oh why I never back up or think things through? Now I have two very angry men with the stare of two mastiffs about to maul a kitten. I braved it, maybe my hand-me-downs for armor that I have might intimidate them a bit. Not happening, so I gave my words a chance.

After some exchanges, I can't convince them. The worst part that this argument now has reached the point where I'm so involved in it that the men are increasingly angrier with me. Watch it, Henry, whatever you say might be used against you. But I just won't understand and my frustrations escape through my mouth.

"You are just blockheads."

Now I have two very irate men in front of me, ready to blow the candles out. We start fighting, obviously I'm in disadvantage from all sides. Not only there's two of them, fueled by cheap beer, and they hit like a donkey's kick. I'm getting destroyed. But once I manage to chuck a good right at one of them, I hear it. A night watch guard saw me and beelined to detain me. My rivals scatter, leaving me alone. I know it's not my fault, I think, but I already have a reputation in this town, who am I to change that now?

The guard looks impatiently at me. I try to dissuade him, but I know it won't work, from the look of his stern face.

"Pay up or else!"

My hands snake into my pouch. I don't have enough. I'm tired, beat and bloodied, I can't make a run for it. So the guard detains me, only destination is the pillory in the morning. The stocks aren't good, but at least I'll be free in a day.

But the guard has other intentions.

"You'll get 10 strokes of the cane in the morning!"

I shiver. Caning? I have done nothing to deserve this! I only tried to stop them! This isn't fair! But, well, I feel a bit guilty. I should have stayed away from this. Why I still pretend I'm down in Sasau? I just never learn and now this. I get bound and locked down in the morning. I can't sleep, my insides are chewing themselves up. I think of Ma, she would be shaking her head so bad right now. I wouldn't want to bring shame to her. I'm sorry.

At dawn I get tied to a post. The catchpole announces my crimes. Disturbing the peace, he says. All lies, I know it deep inside. But I'm the only witness to my innocence while the cane finally arrives right in the middle of my back. It stings like fury and fire. And there's nine more to go. I don't want to show pain and I hold my breath, but it's impossible and the third one makes me audibly groan. The townspeople have become a noisy beehive, bumbling buzz that surrounds my ears. The catchpole hits over one of the wounds and I can feel my back getting hotter and angrier with every lash. But then, after this eternity of pain, where my mind was just a blur of thoughts and shame, there's no more.

They cut my bounds, and I heavily fall on my knees. I just feel the breeze of the morning licking painfully my very sore back. I bet Ma is crying now. I'm really, really sorry, I should have known better. I know you didn't want me to become this, I bet you wanted me to stay quiet at home and help Pa. I miss your touch, Ma. You always patched me up good, I wish you were here now. I can't... I just can't.

Someone pulls me up by my shoulders and the only thing I can do now is give a grimace filled with pain and sadness. The only thing they dared to say was to not repeat what I did, that if they find me again committing something similar the punishment will be severe. But for me, as I am right now, it's just hot air. I pick myself up and tread slowly back to Tachov, where my bed awaits.

And I just slept dreamlessly until I heard Mutt scratching on the door.

(I reached Kuttenberg yesterday and it sure lives up to the hype! It's insane! I was on Pebbles and it truly felt like I was on top of the horse, sightseeing around. Also, the second map is just... impossibly large. I made the executive decision of slow down my pace and enjoy it slowly. Also, my Henry is getting beat up pretty easily, so there's a difficulty spike here as well. The button mapping in PS5 is awful and I just want WH to get rid of the Free Camera mode, it's a disaster when in combat, oof)

[jedidryad]

As previously mentioned, sometimes writing this Mara memoir is very frustrating because there are absolutely conversations that could have happened and potentially resolved a few things for our OTP sooner. And not all of those conversations involve Luke and Mara actually talking to each other either. It is canon that Kyle Katarn completes his training at some point, seemingly before Luke and Mara get married, and he has a story to tell...

Kyle Katarn could sense a change coming over Master Skywalker and he fell into a disquieted silence as he watched his teacher stand up and ask Master Solusar to take over the interview. Without a further word, Luke Skywalker left the practice room fast enough that his Jedi robe billowed behind him.

“What just happened?”

Kam Solusar turned back to meet Kyle’s concerned gaze.

“I’m not entirely certain,” he offered, “but I don’t think it is anything for you to worry about.”

“Some sort of emergency?”

“Maybe. I expect he will clarify later. Please continue.”

Kyle finished his account of Mara Jade’s poise and unexpected calm as he’d held his lightsaber menacingly at her throat, until the magnitude of what he was considering had overwhelmed him. It had been one thing he explained to think about darkness. It was another entirely to commit so much to any given set of ideas that he would be willing to kill his friends and family for it. 

When he finished his account of his experience with the dark side, Master Solusar seemed pleased. 

“It sounds to me like your encounter was one we may all touch at some point. While you struggled in its clutches for a while, with the help of a friend, you found your way back. It is a reminder that we all find ourselves in need of friends and fellow Jedi to help us along the way. Please remember this as you consider your trials.”

Kyle nodded in acknowledgement, but couldn’t help but wonder if Master Skywalker had a different opinion of him.

The Jedi Master caught up with him outside the sparring field just after breakfast the next morning.

“I want to apologize for my quick departure yesterday.” he opened with an expression that matched his words,  “It was unnecessary and probably made your story harder to tell than it otherwise would have been. I do not find your experience with the dark side too horrifying to handle. Just something about it hit me in a way I needed to sort out with myself and that was not your fault at all.”

“I appreciate the explanation but you don’t have to apologize, Master Skywalker.” He paused but then found he couldn’t resist exploring the hunch, “it was because of Mara, wasn’t it?

“Pardon?” All of a sudden, Luke Skywalker’s eyes seemed wider than usual, his expression more vulnerable.

“You handled all of it - my story of the voices and the disembodied feelings and power fantasies and the lies I told and the creatures I killed and my anger at Jan, all of it. You sat calmly and patiently filled with sympathy and understanding.” Kyle smiled,  “but then I told you that I’d threatened Mara. I told you I declared she would join me or die and that I’d held my lightsaber to her throat and she hadn’t flinched or backed down, and you turned to stone.” Kyle’s smile ventured into grin territory, “a very angry stone, I might add.”

“I -” The Jedi Master was beyond flustered.

“It’s okay, Master Skywalker. I care about Mara too. She’s one of my best friends and she and Jan have a great time together. In fact, you should see what they get up to when they visit with Mirax and Iella.” He watched the Jedi Master’s jaw drop slightly, “or maybe you shouldn’t.”

Master Skywalker pulled himself together but still seemed remarkably nonplussed.

“Yes, well, clearly the two of you have worked it out, and that is what matters. It’s none of my business and my reaction was not appropriate as your teacher. I am sorry.”

“Possibly not.” Kyle agreed, “but since you had a reaction, you might want to talk to her about it.”

“If she wanted me to know about it, she would have told me.”

Kyle looked at Luke suspiciously, “you sure about that?”

“Did you wish for me to hear the end of your account, or was it sufficient to share your story with Master Solusar and we can move on to preparing for your trials?”

[curewhimsy]

I feel awful for having to ask for insight (messy thoughts)

Hello. I still have a lot of questions about the Palestinian Genocide that I’m too afraid to ask. I would’ve sought insight earlier if I weren’t so scared I’d be criticized for not knowing.

I’m against Israel, I’m against their government’s genocide of Palestine, but there’s a lot I still don’t understand about the situation. I’m uneducated and legitimately don’t know where and how to research and get non-propaganda.

I also have a lot of trouble comprehending what’s happening. I don’t have very good comprehension skills. I know a lot of people would say “what’s there NOT to understand about a literal genocide?” And I get that, it’s just that I might have a comprehension disability. (I’ve always been awful at understanding history mostly because of all the perspectives I have to comprehend and such.) I also don’t know much about the political world in general.

First of all, I wonder why America is supporting Israel. It just seems heinously and cartoonishly evil that America is helping a government commit genocide, and because of how absurd it is, it confuses me… How is the USA even ALLOWED to do this? And why is there so much propaganda in the first place? What is the US getting out of lying? How many of these lies have truth to them?

I am angry, baffled and horrified, but also very confused. I have a lot of questions.

For example, the news keeps saying Hamas is a “terrorist group.” Is that statement propaganda? Is Hamas actually just fighting for liberation? Are they really holding Israelis hostage or are those made-up lies? Is Hamas blown out of proportion to make Palestine look bad? Also, if Palestine is freed, will Jewish people have a place? Should I even be caring about that? I don’t know where to find those answers. The internet is filled with propaganda and I have no idea how to tell what is and isn’t.

But I’m probably more brainwashed by the Israel propaganda on the news my parents watch than I care to admit. I’m not immune to propaganda. It’s especially hard when my parents believe everything they hear too.

To be honest, without tumblr I’d be completely in the dark. Even now, I almost have NO IDEA what’s propaganda, what isn’t, and how to tell if something is propaganda or not. I’m pretty amazed that so many people on Tumblr have so much perspective on the situation and such a clear understanding of it. Because I don’t, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t wrap my head around it.

I just don’t know where to get answers to a lot of questions I have.

Sorry about this. I just want to know how to educate myself so I can be another well-educated voice fighting for Palestine.

[etoilesombre]

Any plans for a What Lies Beneath sequel?!?

Oh the demon one?? 👀👀 So, the short answer is probably not, though I wish so.

My pace of actually producing writing has paradoxically slowed since I've started, I wish I could crank stuff out chill and easy but I have not yet cracked how to do that. And I have prior commitments. So. In order, here's the likelihood of sequels:

Flintmadi Book Thing: (By Faith of my Body, first chapter published) is the next real project I need to pick back up, I have it outlined, I have done all the research, I had momentum, and got side tracked. Because its HARD, god that one takes so much, they are both fuckin smarter than me, and they don't talk all that much in the show, making it Feel Right takes a lot.

Longfic (Another Troy to Burn): I need to wrap this up. I always said I would do it if it killed me, its my baby, its already a novel, its my Vision I had for them while watching the show. On the other hand, it has now been 2 (count them 2) years since an update, and honestly I have explored a lot of the things I wanted to explore in that in other places. When I think about just letting it go at this point, I'm more relieved than sad. But I do feel like I owe it to everybody, and also, it is the more practicing-for-writing-novels fic, I need to figure out how to wrap it up and actually do that, just to get my head back in that style of writing. But instead of following the whole way through canon, I will probably let this installation be the last and let it wrap up during the season break.

For to Fight the Cold: This one needs a sequel, it will be fun easy porn (this is a lie I'm telling myself, but, I do know in my head what happens next and I feel like I should share with the class.)

And then once all THAT (some part of that, at least the first two) is done, my plan is to work on Russia AU, which I am very excited about and I think will be totally able to be for real published with names changed.

And of course the thing I am ACTUALLY, CURRENTLY working on, has nothing to do with any of this (and is AwfulDark I'm so stoked)

Which is to say I would love to do followups for demon and also for cooking verse, but, I'm also happy with where I left them in those. FWIW, in demon, I did think a LOT when I was writing it about how Flint just is starting to come to terms with all this stuff about himself, but then when Miranda is killed.... he would very much give in to the darker side of a lot of those impulses, in a way that I personally am very interested in. I definitely have fun thinking about it and am happy to talk about it it's just... I have other obligations.

[sorcerous-caress]

I can't fall asleep so here is a fun story.

When I was 16-17, I watched that russian sleeping experiment video, and it stuck with me for a while. I thought there was no way it's real, like it was clearly a creepypasta, but also I knew the best lies were built on half-truths, so it must have held some truth to it.

I did some digging on the Internet and found an article that stated how the stages the human body goes through the more they go without sleep. It was summer break, and I thought, what's a better use of my time than testing this out on myself?

I was curious and skeptical, i felt like some of the stuff in these articles were exaggerated. I didn't have a plan i just had a lot of free time, a locked room, lots of energy drinks, coffee, and a very uncomfortable chair.

The first day went easy. I spent it normally and stayed up playing video games and watching movies. Nothing unusual.

The second day went fine at first but I had to give up the bed, I dragged a very uncomfortable plastic chair into my room, it didn't even have arm rests. That's also the day i started slowly drinking energy drinks. My focus was deteriorating so I couldn't do anything but scroll through the apps on my phone.

The third day is when strange things started happening. By that point, I was unbelievably exhausted. I drank so much caffeine that I could see the veins on my hands slightly bulging out, and their colour was more prominent.

I couldn't stay sitting down because I would fall asleep, so I forced myself to get up every 10 minutes and walk around the room in circles. I was listening to loud metal music at max volume during the whole thing because the second my mind relaxed, I knew I'd fall asleep.

It was barely the start of the day too, this was me 1/4 through the day. I really didn't to fail now especially when I came this far.

The article mentioned that the hallucinations start on the third/fourth day. It's also when your brain forces you to fall asleep each time you blinked, it's called microsleep.

I did experience it. It wasn't like a normal blink where the world around you resumed, more like a long, slow blink that disconnected you from your brain for a second before you snapped back into reality.

So i kept this routine up for 3 hours. Sit, scroll through social media, stand up, walk around, and sit back down. Rinse and repeat.

I kept reading through the article, It was the only thing motivating me at that point. Especially since I had an argument with a friend earlier during day 2, when they screamed at me to go to sleep. I almost ended up losing them because of it, so I just lied and said i will go sleep.

They just didn't get it, yk? I already committed to this. I can't turn back after everything I endured. I wanted to see what happens, to witness it first hand because each one of those articles about sleep deprivation sounded like the plot of horror movies, and I wasn't buying it at all.

Also, I hate the taste of black coffee, but by that point, I just swallowed it all down without care. I don't even remember if it tasted like anything. My hands were shaking so much, but I knew I'd fall asleep without it, so I kept going.

I successfully made it halfway through the day, I've reread the same article so many times.

I kept thinking about the hallucinations, wondering when they would finally start. Would it be like seeing a ghost in the room? Auditory hallucinations were out of the question because I never stopped listening to the loud music, I also locked myself inside my room, just in case I attempted to wander outside and sleep on a couch or fall down the stairs by accident.

While I was circling the room, I kept staring at the poster on my wall. It was the Vitruvian Man by Da Vinci. It was the only humanoid poster I had up, so my eyes kept naturally seeking it out.

And there was something about its stare.

Each circle I finished would get me closer to it bit by bit, I couldn't see anything else besides it. I couldn't stop feeling like its eyes was speaking to me.

I kept remembering the article and the hallucinations, wondering if this is when it's finally starting. I embraced it and felt excited, i wanted it to speak to me, to come out of the poster and stand in front of me.

I couldn't even hear the loud music in my headphones anymore, only its stare. I stopped walking and kept standing still staring at it, waiting for something to happen.

But the look in his pupils, the crystal clear meaning of it.

Oh, i realised, it wants to kill me.

That empty stare in those soulless eyes, terror washed over me, and all excitement was replaced with fear.

Genuinely bone-deep fear. Me, a teenager in the 21st century who has had a comfortable modern life for all my years of living, felt true fear for the first time in my life.

It's going to murder me, I kept repeating. I was afraid to look away because I genuinely believed it would jump out at me the second I did.

Then I remember day 4 in the article, how they described that any hallucinations will get more intense, more real.

I was terrified, and I didn't want to die, so I did what any normal person would do when faced with a whispering cheap poster of an old creepy painting.

I caved in and went to sleep.

Laid on the bed, i imagined it walking behind me, I imagined him slowly moving towards me.

My heart was beating so much, every fiber of my being was beyond terrfied.

I was convinced he is standing in front of the bed.

Thankfully tho, It didn't take more than 3 seconds for me to fall asleep after I closed my eyes, I didn't even have to try.

I've only made it to the middle of the third day, by the time I woke up, it was the afternoon of the next day. I slept a whole day and my body felt beyond broken.

I needed to eat, i needed water, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I did all of these things in an hour and then immediately went back to bed.

I slept for another full day.

The following week, I slept for 16 hours per day, then it dwindled to 13, then 8, and after a month, I went back to my normal sleeping schedule.

But the thing is, the painting doesn't have eyes, really. Not clear ones, at least. They're so small already, and it was printed on a cheap poster, so they were basically a couple of pixels.

Yet I remember seeing clear eyes on the third day, with pupils and everything, i could almost count the eyelashes. And they didn't seem out of place either, it felt like they were always a part of the painting.

Anyway, I never threw that poster out. It cost me 10$, which to a broke teenager was a lot of money. Also, Da Vinci is a pretty chill guy. I felt kinda mean to throw his painting out over one murder hallucination.

I did get my answers, tho! My experiment wasn't a complete failure, and I went back to the friend I lied to so I could inform them of my results. They weren't pleased, and we ended up falling out because of it. It's alright.

But since that day, i never could stay up much. Like whenever I get sleepy, I really really get unimaginably sleepy. Feels like my brain removed my admin access to my sleep cycle, and I lost the ability to stay up for more than a day.

Probably for the best, it's been years since this happened and my sleep still suffers from the same problem really. Which is funny because sometimes I do get insomina and can't sleep, but it never lasts for more than a day before my brain forcefully shuts me down.

It was fun I guess? I don't recommend doing it because the results aren't that impressive really. Thank fuck I didn't have a mirror in my room at the time, I feel like it would've made the hallucinations come by quicker.

Also, I am very aware of how stupid and an endangerment of my life it was to do that, now that I'm grown at least. You don't have to tell me about it. I don't plan on repeating it, and none of you should, really. It's more of a cool story I tell nowadays, a found memory of when I almost self-indunced psychosis. And yes! That russian experiment video was fake af.

Anyway, here is the painting for reference.

I had tiny stickers to cover his peepee so dw dw.

I couldn't find the article I was reading at the time, but here is a really similar one that explains the stages and is very accurate to what I experienced.

Imma sleep, goodnight <3

[cosmereplay]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by @chaos-monkeyy for a WIP check-in, thank you! 😊

I'm tagging @wanderingchanneler, @ternaryflower53, and @comiclysmic if you'd like to share anything you're working on--no pressure!

I need people to know that yes I am still working on Plausible Deniability and no I didn't expect that my last update was in JULY?? How did that happen? *cough* anyway here's some proof that I'm actually writing something:

(Rated Mature for mentions of sexuality. This is a Shakadolin fic btw)

Do what you’re good at, Shallan, Radiant encourages her. Calm them down. You can work it out.  Shallan nods. She takes a breath and opens her eyes, standing to break up a fight. Her head tilts. What she sees isn’t unlike a fight.  They’re kissing, Adolin grasping desperately at Kaladin’s waist, and Kaladin fisting Adolin’s uniform, seemingly unable to decide whether to push him away or pull him in closer. They’re twisting around each other, grappling, shuffling, frowning, panting small moans and grunts between smacks of their lips.  Her heart starts to pound, putting her on the verge of panic. She feels like she's reacting every way at once. Her husband is kissing another man, right in front of her? Not to mention he's kissing a man she happens to be currently dripping for…storms. Had she seen this a day ago, without these feelings for Kaladin flooding her body, Shallan might’ve been angry. She can see the truth in the way he moves–Adolin doesn’t just want to experiment with other men. He wants Kaladin. And Heralds save her, so does she. She wants in. Shallan stands and coughs, and the men immediately break the kiss. They push each other apart, glancing away with guilty expressions, shamespren falling between them. Adolin’s eyes are wild. Shallan knows he wasn't sure about Veil's plan, and it looks like his night with Kaladin blew him over. When he's unstable he can get impulsive. Has she finally pushed him over the edge into madness? All her lies and deceptions and half truths… Is this what breaks him? She steps forward, her body tingling with mixed emotions, her mind scrambling to find the right words.   Adolin speaks first. His voice comes out in gasps, as if he still hasn’t caught his breath from the kiss. “I’m so sorry,” he says, and steps forward, wiping his mouth. “I made a mistake. I’ve broken our oaths. Please don't leave me. I–” he gestures helplessly, frantically. She takes his hands, one wet, one dry. This is real. “No. Adolin, this isn't your fault. We're going to fix this. Together. Like Kaladin said. Right Kaladin?" She nods at him, and he seems to shake himself off. Resolutely, he steps forward, putting a reassuring hand on Adolin's shoulder. "The ardent said we can't…unspill the wine, so to speak," he says, voice gruff and low. "All we can do is, uh, pour it evenly." He slides his thumb up and down across Adolin's collarbone, which focuses the tingling in Shallan's body as she watches. He glances at Shallan and her heart skips a beat. Oh storms, he really believes it. He really is as committed now as he was when we talked about it. Kaladin raises his eyebrows at her, as if to say yeah, but you say it.  Fair enough. She meets Adolin's eyes, uncertain whether she is about to calm the storm or add power to its winds. "When we were talking earlier, we came up with a solution. I can put myself in your place, do the same things with Kaladin that you did, and then you don't have to worry about breaking your oaths because I've done it too. We'll be even and we can go on from this together. Like always."  Will it be even? Veil asks. What about all those times I– Not now!

[writtenwrong]

Stabilizing the Element

or Even our atoms need each other

When atoms are far apart, they attract each other. This attraction is stronger for some kinds of atoms than others. At the same time, the heat, or kinetic energy, of atoms makes them always move. If the attraction is strong enough, relative to the amount of heat, atoms will form a solid. If the attraction is weaker, they will form a liquid, and if it is even weaker, they will form a gas. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

It's the hot Central Valley summer of the second long distance, the second hand ticking away uncountable minutes, the seconding of everyone in my orbit that I am not quite interesting enough to really bond with. No one said it first, but I am pitifully made aware that I cannot be created nor destroyed, only transmuted transfixed and transformed, the ever unstable element on the table for discussion.

Chemical bonds are the strongest kinds of attraction between atoms. The movement of electrons explains all chemical bonds. Atoms usually bond with each other in a way that fills or empties their outer electron shell. The most reactive elements have an almost full or almost empty outer shell. Atoms with a full outer shell, called noble gases, do not usually form bonds. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

I do not understand my parents, well off and independent of one another. How do you breathe the same oxygen every night and remain unmoved? I cannot help but react and I reach, desperate to fill myself, desperate to fill others, to give and receive. But in this hot Central Valley summer I grasp only air.

There are three main kinds of bonds: ionic bonds, covalent bonds, and metallic bonds.

In an ionic bond, one atom gives electrons to another atom. Each atom becomes an ion: an atom or group of atoms with a positive or negative charge. The positive ion (which has lost electrons) is called a cation; it is usually a metal. The negative ion (which has gained electrons) is called an anion; it is usually a nonmetal. Ionic bonding usually results in a regular network, or crystal, of ions held together. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

I had forgotten what it was like to live on the affluent side of town, to not see people starving, to not have people all around who are unstable, reactive. Knowing they are still here, still reacting, only kept out of this sterile lab environment through aggressive sanitizing of unwanted elements to avoid cross contamination, I am not comforted by comforts. I am lonely.

In a covalent bond, two atoms share electrons. This usually happens when both atoms are nonmetals. Covalent bonds often form molecules, ranging in size from two atoms to many more. They can also form large networks, such as glass or graphite. The number of bonds that an atom makes (its valency) is usually the number of electrons needed to fill its outer electron shell. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

Board games and conversations on the street corner spread conversations far and wide, and everything belongs to everyone on that street corner for the day. I meet a man who asks me if I want a cigarette while beating me thoroughly at chess, a woman who has a little dog wearing a sweater in better condition than her own, a guy who watches each tournament and pulls at his sleeves, someone is writing resources on the community board.

In a metallic bond, electrons travel freely between many metal atoms. Any number of atoms can bond this way. Metals conduct electric current because electric charge can easily flow through them. Atoms in metals can move past each other, so it is easy to bend, stretch, and change the shape of metals. (Wikipedia, 6/26/2023)

Remember the weeks of watching for news of Seattle's community? Of parsing through hyperbole and lies for glimmers of a people committed to radical restructuring? Remember what it felt like to wonder if this was the beginning of something significant? I remember changing and stretching into something new, something I thought was stable but could not have been more reactive. Maybe that isn't a bad thing.

[lurkingshan]

Moonlight Chicken: Final Thoughts

I have really enjoyed watching this show along with everyone. There was so much to dig into and it was a real pleasure to see a BL with such mature themes, nuanced characters, and complex morality. By far my favorite part of this show was the care and attention shown to familial love, especially the complicated relationship between Jim and Li Ming. I love that we got to see them work through their frustration with each other and find some peace, and help Li Ming reestablish a bond with his mother, as well. They both seemed to learn things about themselves and what they really want by working through their conflicts and it was really rewarding to see.

That said, it was not a perfect show for me. @waitmyturtles made the point a week or two ago that some of the story beats and resolutions felt a bit rushed, and ultimately I do agree with that. I think for a show with only 8 episodes aired over 4 weeks, Moonlight Chicken tried to do a little too much. In particular, I thought resolving the conflict with Alan (and steering away from the messiness we expected from the trailer) partway through released a lot of the dramatic tension in the story, leaving us with a slower pace and fragmented focus. My man Gong fully disappeared from the show in the last few eps, and I thought the backstory with Beam was glossed over too quickly in favor of spending time on other things like Gaipa’s mom’s death. I enjoyed all the characters and themes, but I’m not sure it all came together as one cohesive narrative engine.

As for the romances, in the end I did find Heart and Li Ming most compelling. Not just because they were young and sweet and uncomplicated, but because I was deeply touched by Li Ming’s ability to see Heart in a way no one else did and his commitment to finding a way to help him communicate with the world again. Without Li Ming, I’m not sure Heart ever gets through to his parents and repairs those family relationships, or finds a school where he can pursue his education surrounded by his community. No matter what happens in the future for them, that’s the kind of first love that makes both people better and will always be remembered fondly.

Where do I start with Jim and Wen? First of all, I want to note for the record that I am exactly Jim’s age and I relate to him on a number of levels. I too grew up burdened by poverty and responsibility, got burned and became quite cynical about romance, and am wary of ever making myself that vulnerable again. Even still, something about his love story with Wen just never fully clicked in. It might just be that Earth and Mix’s chemistry doesn’t hit for me (I felt the same way about ATOTS) or that I’m still disappointed we didn’t get the messier, sexier version of their story we all thought this was initially. That first episode was the only time I really felt a spark with them, and then the story steered firmly away from that dynamic for the rest of the series. I also thought it was a weird choice to only show them finally consummating their romantic relationship in the end credit sequence. Better late than never but it really should have been part of the main narrative instead of an epilogue.

I am also choosing to believe that Alan and Gaipa don’t become romantically involved because I really dislike the drama trope of the rejected second leads pairing up. Props to the show for giving me plausible deniability on that lol.

This show also cemented for me that First, Khaotung, and Fourth are extremely talented actors who I’ll watch in pretty much anything they decide to do. For how young he is, Fourth is unbelievably impressive and I’m really excited to watch MSP now. First’s ability to produce believable chemistry with just about anyone is wild (part of the issue I had with the main romance is I thought Wen had better chemistry with Alan). And Khaotung’s ability to express so much via his eyes and microexpressions really made his story of unrequited love and grief land for me.

Overall I highly recommend this show and give it a solid 9/10. It was clearly made with such love and care and exuded warmth throughout. I’m sad it’s over so soon!