#it just feels hopeless
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Ngl money issues are truly making me want to kill myself
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life sucks and then you die
seems just about right
every step forward, another step back
and always fight or flight
as soon as one crisis ends
another finds you free
to worry and weep and sigh
there's always stress to be
hope for the best, expect the worst
our motto and our creed
I'm just so fucking tired of "worst"
I just want to be freed
from constant sorrow and pain
when will my ship come in?
I'm just so fucking tired
life sucks, you die--the end
#Notes by Nikki#poem#poems#poetry#my poetry#my writing#my art#my artwork#writing#depression#depressive#depressing shit#I'm not doing well#it just feels hopeless#my mom will never get to snowbird again#I'll never have a car of my own#we aren't going on our trip for sure#let alone doing anything for my birthday in October#I'm nearing 40 and what have I done?#nothing of note#nothing of value#I sell cheaply made fast food that's terrible#for the customers#for the environment#for the workers#I benefit no one#I can't help my family#I can't help myself
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a few ppl have commented variations of "this was me :( i regret it but i just hadn't done the research + was relying on secondhand evidence" + while i don't want to put them in a spotlight or attract hate, that is... exactly the problem. it goes so much deeper than "i was duped by depp's marketing/legal team in this single scenario" because "this particular woman is crazy + making up abuse for attention because she's actually a [insert diagnosis here] who torments men for her own sick pleasure" should 100% of the time ring alarm bells for you! there's something deeply wrong with your feminist politic if you'll abandon it once the perpetrator starts trending on twitter!
content like "[description of her assault] sounds like a good time in bed to me" or "this has emboldened me to say that [people sharing her diagnosis] need to unfollow me" (two real things that both went viral!!!) should never be acceptable to you, regardless of who the target is. women who you do not respect or who you think are Bad People are still not acceptable targets for saneism or misogyny. even women who have done actual, provable harmful things are still not acceptable targets for saneism or misogyny.
perpetrators are almost universally more powerful + beloved than the ppl they have harmed; they exploit this power to their advantage. perpetrators often retain the charisma + poise + calm which sexual assault strips from you like wet fucking paper. "calm beloved man dealing with his crazy clingy jilted ex who is actually the abusive one, probably, i mean look at her!" is a tale as old as time, not a fluke, so if you don't develop an actually principled stance on sexual assault which you apply regardless of the likability or press coverage of the harmed person, you are not an ally to survivors.
every time a new SA allegation of a favored celeb arises, i'm reminded of the absolutely soul-crushing experience of the depp/heard trial in which i learned that dozens of ppl i loved + respected + trusted were also willing to engage in the basest form of misogyny if the woman Seemed Crazy Enough. there was a horrifying 2ish weeks on this website + much longer irl where i genuinely felt unsafe voicing my discomfort as i relived something eerily reminiscent of the aftermath of my own assaults playing out on screen, commented on by true crime youtubers like it was a red sox game.
it happens time + time again with every new allegation + it's truly the most agonizing + exhausting part of being a survivor. i am begging you all to consider that survivors are watching you engage with this stuff like theater + it erodes our trust in all of you + compounds our grief.
#i am rlly glad you guys have learned the error of your ways but#part of me is like. how fucking dumb did you have to be#sorry like i don't want to be so rage-filled here but. it meant nothing to so many of you + everything to me#that so many of you were incapable of using basic critical thinking skills before running your mouth#i would never ever ever EVER make a post or a joke or a meme about an SA allegation i knew nothing abt#it just hurts bcuz survivors are such a fucking afterthought.#if we are aren't being used as political talking points we are an afterthought#how could you not think of us FIRST when posting about an SA allegation? how we might feel?#it just feels hopeless#btw it was just as bad when the nitw guy killed himself u ppl were DEMONS then too
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hopeless time loop. the way out isn’t to save everyone. the way out isn’t to save even one person. the way out isn’t to change anything. the way out is accepting how it happened the first time is how it always will be. that’s how you acted, that’s how they acted, that’s how you would have acted every time if you weren’t given the curse of hindsight. the way out is accepting you can’t fix the past; you can only forgive yourself for it.
#there's this game i love called little hope that plays with these ideas (though not with a time loop)#i do love time loops narratives that explore how a person is confronted with their life and their choices#when forced to live the same day over and over again#and i LOVE time loops that try to reverse mistakes made and lives lost#but to see a character put themselves through loops upon loops upon loops#trying to rectify past mistakes (especially in the case where people died) only to be confronted with the reality it isn't working#and even in a loop where they save everyone the loop just resets#because the universe is essentially saying 'no that isn't how it happened and you know that's not how it happened'#it compels me!#i feel similarly about time travel where time 'fights back'#like this idea that there is a central timeline that time does not like being diverted from#so it will try to course correct itself#you save lincoln from an assassination only for him to die in a train crash#it's a cool way to confront the idea of fate#anyway all tragedies are hopeless time loops thank you for coming to my ted talk#a shout into the void#1k#5k#10k
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can anybody who's made it beyond 22 please tell me i'm going to be ok
#ramble#it's existential crisis o clock#i'm fine i'm just having a 'everything feels hopeless and i've already failed' day#i'm in that weird 'too old to be a Youth Success too young to feel like a real person yet' phase
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Fiddauthor doodles
*leaves this politely on the floor and scurries away*
yeah. enjoy ^_^
#THEY MAKE ME ILL WHAT THE SHIT#I AM GOING TO EXPLODE#fiddauthor#fiddleford mcgucket#fiddleauthor#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#ford pines#gravity falls fiddleford#stanford pines#gravity falls#normal about them.#the first occurs in the comic btw.#doomed yaoi#no because ford get your head in the game. there’s a married man that wants you more than he wants anything else.#I’m just as oblivious as him though. I can’t be talking.#also fiddleford how does it feel spending all your college years hopelessly pining for your roommate#and feeling frustrated with the lack of romantic progression because neither of you can read signals for shit#so when you inevitably don’t amount to anything and are forced to just ignore anything that may have ever existed between you two#you spitefully get hitched and have a kid to prove to yourself that you’re a) straight and b) not just some loser coward#but all along you’ve just known he was the right one for you. nobody could ever compare to what he gave you#everyone else has simply acted as a replacement or substitution for what you felt for him. you can’t shake the feeling ever.#and when years later you get a call from him you justify immediately leaving to work on the project as a) your entitlement to him and b)#a desperate and hopeless attempt at rekindling your college days#HOW DOES IT FEEL FIDDLEFORD
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the anon saying they wish vaschete were plushies inspired me
.
#oh no#oh#oh boy#they're adorable#I'm sorry but I'm just mentally smooshing their soft round little heads together#their expressions!#the teensy paws#really feeling that cute aggresion#you made their faces translate into simplified plush form so well#I'd be lying if I said it never crossed my mind how neat it would be to have plushies of them#not as merch but like to keep as mascots and have them sit contently next to each other in some nook of my home#I'm not completely hopeless at sewing but I've never designed patterns quite as complex as this#and I think commissioning a professional for a set is likely beyond my budget so eh one can dream#gift art#makedamnsvre#own characters#Machete#Vasco#from a technical point of view#I feel like I'd be adamant about keeping Vasco's ombre ears and muzzle but they could be potentially difficult to execute#unless you airbrushed them by hand or something I don't know how this works#and I'd probably be really picky about the texture of Machete's fluff as well#finding a faux fur with the right length curl and springiness might be hard#honestly I think I might have easier time if I tried art doll/ooak route because that permits more painting and sculpting than pure sewing#but then the squish factor would suffer
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i've had these scenarios written down since volo's debut in pokemon masters and i just really wanted to scribble them down and finally release them
#pokemon#volo#pokemon volo#pokemon jacq#n harmonia#pokemon rei#trainer rei#clai's art#trying to write n's specific brand of being mean is hard to me for some reason#in the initial idea i had him outright call volo stupid but i didnt know if that was too far so i just took it out BJFBFJF#but anyway volo being a historian who had to have studied many walks of life but has still come to the conclusion that the world is hopeless#jacq being someone who's very positive and sees the best in people even if they are very much not great to him (see: raifort)#finally realizing someone he knows is like. inexcusably horrible#n's situation wasn't even that different from volo's. both saw injustice in society and sought to change it#but even n. who hated humanity for what he thought they were all responsible for. didnt want humans to Die for what they did!!#and rei. rei was a scared kid who saw the very worst of volo firsthand. rei needed friends and one of them despised him in the end#isnt it soooo funny how volo thinks he's alone yet keeps pushing away all the people who want to connect with him :) i hate pla so much :)))#as another note too. perhaps the rei thing could end in two ways#satisfying good ending where it kicks off volo's realization that hey maybe people do trust me unconditionally#or no good bad ending where volo takes this as another betrayal. rei only liked him for his facade like everyone else so why does it matter#volo almost makes me feel as ill as n does. hate this stupid guy i shouldnt have bought pla for my birthday i should have gotten. p/kmin idk
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it doesn't happen as a revelation. there's no jolting pain in his chest that sends steve reeling, no internal crisis that has him shaking on the bathroom floor, no shocking sense of guilt or desperation or fire licking in his veins. nothing that makes the world stop spinning and making him trip over his feet.
it's a normal moment when he realizes he's in love with eddie.
they're sitting in steve's car, ac blasting and music on low for once, waiting for a handful of the kids to get done with their final exams. they don't pick them up as much anymore and steve pointedly ignores how much he misses the times of carting them all around before mike started a ripple effect and got his license. but they're taking the kids to the lake after school to try and enjoy the last bits of non-suffocating sunshine before summer really hits, just like old times.
it isn't a revelation in the sense that it's some earth shattering event, but more like a moment of clarity. eddie's hair blows back for a second and he's blabbering about something from the dnd game he played the night before with his shop buddies with a wide grin and animated hands and the sun glints off the puckered pink scar on the side of his face in the most perfect way and he's beautiful and-
oh.
oh.
steve's vision seems clearer than it has in a while. his lungs feel a bit more shaky but not in a bad way, his heart stumbles against his ribcage like it's tripped over itself and the butterflies in his chest are the only things catching it. he laughs to himself because of course this has to happen when he wasn't expecting it, when he doesn't have a plan, but then eddie's looking at him and he knows he doesn't need one. not yet, anyway.
"you good, man?" eddie asks, eyebrows crinkled together and smirk on his face. he's painted golden in the afternoon sun, shining as bright as the north star. steve's always liked gold.
it's taken steve years to get here. the two of them have grown up together in the way that teenagers do while they figure out the roads laid out before them. they've learned each other's ins and outs through long nights and early mornings and everything in between. he knows his breathing, the way his footsteps sound, the smell of his aftershave, the feeling of his hands on his shoulders. it all comes together in this perfect package wrapped up in a perfect bow and for once, steve lets himself hope like he's a kid on christmas morning.
"yeah," he shakes his head to clear out the eddie-shaped stars in his vision, offers up a smirk of his own. it's taken years to get here so he still has time to do this right. "perfect."
#don't mind me just feeling like a ~hopeless romantic~ this fine tuesday morning#had to write it as an italicized oh moment don't mind that either#steddie#steddie hc#my writing#steve harrington#eddie munson#steddie drabble#steddie ficlet
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I feel a deep sense of anger and grief for Palestine. I’m angry at God, at the world powers donating to those who are killing civilians, angry at people looking away and encouraging you to worry about yourself when people can’t even walk down their streets without being attacked. I’m angry that my friend donated, only for it to be stolen and taken by the soldiers abusing Palestine. I’m angry that I can’t do much of anything but tell you to at least CARE about the people being bombed and slaughtered. Please, if you can’t do anything please just CARE about these people and listen to their stories. Hold them in your hearts at the very least. Don’t pretend they don’t exist or just brush it off as “its been going on for centuries, there’s no point in stopping it.” I want to do more, I want to make people care and love those who need it, rather than continue spreading anger and hate.
These are real people I’ve drawn. Keep the people of Palestine in your heart at the very least please.
#two of my best friends had to run away from their homes because they were Muslim#it was too dangerous for them to stay#but in leaving they also had to leave behind large parts of their families#they tell me about their friends and loved ones that have died and how empty they feel to it#that they also feel a deep sense of hopelessness and guilt at not being able to help#I have a friend now who teaches me about the qur’an and how it talks about having peace and not being afraid in times like these#so please DONT BE AFRAID TO SAY SOMETHING#Please talk about this with your friends#please educate yourself on what’s happening#please please please just CARE about the people of Palestine#even if it’s scary and even if it hurts you#do it for those who don’t have a choice to be afraid or hurt#free palestine#palestine
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Forget the IF, just wanted to check in and see if YOU were okay dear author? I hope everything is well. I know you have a process lol, but I miss seeing you on my TL from time to time.
oh, kjsdhfjskdf . how sweet<3 thank you for this! I am doing well, crafting ouro alongside some personal shifts and growth and setbacks and victories. it has been a godsend to take all this pressure off for this period and do things my way. though, I'll say: while it has taken and will probably take another while, this silence will be broken at some point. I'll avoid saying soon only because I'm staunchly sticking to my pace&process. however !! I finished the draft for the first book yesterday. !! I am currently doing some hefty edits, collecting art and testing coding (&learning something new a hundred times over, over, again, whether it be storycrafting, interactivity, ui design, social media, art, code ... the list goes on) and so for the most part, I'm having a good time, as long as we count the entire spectrum of the human condition as a mostly good time. pfft.
I miss hanging out here too! I genuinely can't wait to get back to online shenanigans once I feel ready for it; if you'll have me, of course. I can imagine that this type of secret development is frustrating and everyone has their limit. It means a lot that you sent this my way. Hope you're doing well too. <3
#OUROBOROS#ouroboros-if#interactive fiction#so much has changed that i see the public demo as an entirely different work at this point. It has been a fun but daunting journey and some#part of me is sad that I couldn't handle sharing that process as much as I'd like. but life takes precedent and that's just how it be#im so pleasantly surprised that the majority of people who advocate for mental health first actually follow through on the compassion#they promise. do you know what I mean? ouro & the community around it is tiny in the grand scheme but#I have never felt so supported in my entire life#every time I feel scared or hopeless the people around me (and you know who you are. I love you!!) have given me nothing but grace#and the joy of their friendship. that's enough for me-- for now >:3
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Hello I put way more effort than I needed to into this, but have it anyway :P
Boniface meets Bonifire, what will they do :P
A version of this page without text because technically this was the first page I drew and put all my effort into that one first lmao-
#bonnie#bonnie isat#bonifire#in stars and time#isat#fanart#isat spoilers#isat act 6 spoilers#my loopified bonnie (who is creatively named bonifire) is herently a lot of effort to draw#so the fact that i went out of my way to 1) paint the favour tree again like my loop image that one time#2) make it a fucking 2 page comic#and 3) paint the path TO the favour tree as well#can you imagine how my knuckles feel right now?#also high fidelity bonnie finally (or their face at least the poker game they were viewed from behind)#i like to think that bonifire doesn't actively hide the fact they were bonnie once but they also won't say it outright#unlike the others who would make a name to try and hide the fact that it's hopeless to get out of the loops to their respective looper#bonifire who is still a pre-teen who still had no idea how to feel about their name just lets bonnie pick name and pronouns for them#read; bonnie called them a bonfire and bonifire's immediate thought was to make it a pun#siffrin would be proud (that is if he was still around and bonnie's version of him knew them)#bonnie takes a little while to actually understand that bonifire is them but they've gotta get their head around looping first#it's less doing detective work to figure out a secret and more so finally learning what things mean and seeing retroactively the obviousnes
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as much as i want to see fiddleford recover and enter his much-deserved era of good mental and physical health, i also want to see the effects of his head trauma follow him forever. it’s important to me that while he heal and find a level of normalcy and peace, he never return to his old self.
kind of a side bar, but it’s relevant so: i also think there’s something to be said about old man mcgucket’s confidence. boldness? idk how to describe it. i wouldn’t say his paranoid tendencies have vanished, but for the most part he’s. breezier. part of it is the brain damage, and maybe part of it is genuine self-evolution in the right direction. but i think the obsessive mind-wiping just… broke that part of his brain. it’s like he’s no longer affected by fear in the same way. and i hope we see strong traces of that damage until the day he dies.
it’s important to me that fiddleford heal and emerge into self-awareness once more. it’s important to me that ford still look at him as very much the same person, despite all of the damage. but he’s also changed severely and irreversibly. i think of old man mcgucket as a much rawer version of fiddleford in that he holds less reservations and has no filter. he’s healing but he’s also broken, and those scars will forever be visible. and that’s important to me because it also changes ford and fiddleford’s dynamic a lot.
ok one last sidebar, then i’m done. when i say it changes their dynamic i mean it in the way that because fiddleford now wears his heart on his sleeve and ford himself is a bit wiser about relationships, there is less self-sabotaging going on between them. romance or friendship wise. and if nothing else, they both feel they’re getting too old for biting their tongues, so i imagine the discussions of certain difficult topics comes a bit easier now.
like, given that they’ve both made many catastrophically terrible decisions over their lives, they have a better perspective on life in general and have had time to reorient their previously fucked priorities. ford lives with a lot of shame for how he treated stan, dealing with the devil, and bringing about the end times. fiddleford lives with a lot of shame for how he treated emma-may and tate, starting a cult that ruined lives [especially his own], and not to mention the multiple death robot incidents. even though they both had good intentions or else thought their actions were justified at the time [mostly], it all collapsed on their heads because these actions were ridiculously stupid.
i think all of this is part of why the rekindling of their friendship happened so easily. fiddleford is eager to forgive ford and embrace him because he’s learned first-hand what grief and paranoia can drive a person to do, and so he feels the best thing he can do is accept his old friend back into his life, no questions asked. maybe ford will forever think he doesn’t deserve it, but he learns to accept mcgucket’s kindness and tries to learn from it. they’re both healing even if it’ll never be Backupsmore again. it’s still them, despite it all.
#fiddleford mcgucket#old man mcgucket#stanford pines#im just thinking out loud here btw. my forgetful adhd ass isn’t the best at analysis#given that i won’t remember half of the important details even though i just watched the show start to finish lmao#but. idk. they itch my brain. especially fiddleford#also side bar of he century here but. fiddleford is a hopeless romantic. maybe not super traditionally but it’s there#ford is on the aroace spectrum. fidds has loved him romantically since college#ford isn’t good with understanding his feelings but he comes to realize that he’s loved fidds for a long time. just in general#their love for each other is mutual by the end but they still make for a very unconventional couple. almost queerplatonic i think#but that’s for another post lmao#gravity falls
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Y'ALL NEED TO SEE THIS PANEL
#Mobius will be the one to save him!#because he ended up very sad#But from what we saw on the series Mobius can push his feelings inside#maybe Deadpool can make him admit how much he misses loki??#LET ME DREAM#I still can't bear the hopelessness Tom Hiddleston left me with when he said that his journey as Loki had ended#YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT#ofc u can I'm just rambling I'm heartbroken and sad#btw someone on Quora answering a question about whether or not Asgard was linked to time or not used that panel#so I don't have the source of the specific comic I just know it's Thor I'm sorry#loki#lokius#loki x mobius#mobius m mobius#agent mobius#thor#thor comics#marvel cinematic universe#marvel loki#we all not it won't be Sylvie shedding that tear#loki season two#loki series#loki season 2
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If Rio actually is on the road to reclaim Billy, to take him back after her cheated death, then it makes this scene hit on an entirely different level:
Rio, if given the chance, would have collected Billy in that moment... she (probably) did it with Sharon, she'll do it with Rio, and she'll do it with Lilia too... she has no qualms about doing her job.
But then Agatha said "Don't", had tears in her eyes, and pleased. And so Rio didn't. Because she didn't listen once before, and the cost her the one person she actually cared about, cost her the woman she loved, and left a scar.
This is why she also stops Agatha when Agatha tries to kiss her and reminds her that Billy isn't hers... because not only did he cheat death once before, but he may have just very well cheated it again, and so Rio was reminding Agatha that while she held off this time, eventually, she was going to have to take him.
This also gives me some hope for the scene that we know is coming... whether or trial or not... there is some aspect of Rio that does not want to do her job, not if it means hurting Agatha, and I think that small element of hesitation, may be what saves them in the end. Because I do think that ultimately, Rio is going to do her job, and ultimately, they will both come to an understanding about this.
#agatha all along#agatha harkness#rio vidal#agathario#just when I feel hopeless#episode 4 gives me more
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Ever After High, but make it a PIDW AU.
Imagine how fucked up it would be if Shen Jiu is up there doing the book signing ceremony that seals his destiny of becoming the next 'Shen Qingqiu', and the mirrors display him getting thrown away by his martial siblings at the trial, and his limbs being torn off and other despicable tortures, and being brought down so low that your humanity is stripped away from you, all for an audience to see. And they cheer. The crowd is ecstatic, perhaps even more so than when his father, Shen Qingqiu, was put on trial.
#and sj is barely 15 when this happens#and every goddamn person is reveling in watching this child get tortured#and he's done ntg to warrent this yet bc he HASNT signed the stupid destiny book and he DOESNT want to be the scum villian#dont ask me how the logic of this au works#i dont fucking know#its just that some of the eah characters DO have fucked up stories#and the grimm brother stories were dark as hell#so im like what if pidw???? what if shen jiu??? shen jiu and pain???? yes.#shen jiu#svsss#mxtx svsss#original shen qingqiu#og shen qingqiu#scumbag self saving system#svsss crossover#scum villain#ever after high au#the scum villain's self saving system#scum villain self saving system#and the only person that's NOT advocating for his death is lbg's SON!! the very person that's supposed to kill him!#he (lbm) also happens to be smn who rllyyyy hates his dad and is not signing no book of destiny either#when he sees the same hopelessness that he feels in sj's eyes#he decides at that moment that he's going to be sj's no. 1 defender everything else be damned#so when sj announces that he's not signing#lbm gets up on the stage and makes it clear that he won't either#and they kith#bingjiu#pidw#proud immortal demon way
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