#it just ate a starter I just made and idk if it will post or anything

[2jcore]

hwanghon brew director's cut

hello everyone first of all, please bear with me this is the first time i've tried using tumblr and i honestly don't know my way around it yet. With that being said, please allow me to give you the director's cut of Hwanghon Brew i promised 2 years ago lmao TT

So, for starters, hwanghon brew was commissioned by my good friend ate cams (who was absolutely patient with me. love u ate cams mwa) 

These were the things requested:

heejayke poly

established heejay

modern vampires

college/frat au

5+1

heejayke feeding on each other

THE PLAYLIST

I was given the freedom to do whatever, come up with whatever plot that ties these things together, so I did! The first thing that came to mind of course, was the vibe I wanted to go for. So i immediately looked up a modern vampire playlist to set the mood, and stumbled upon this playlist. which is honestly so fitting because 1) the cover is a screenshot from the given-taken japanese mv, and 2) the person who made it seems to be an engene seeing that the first song in the playlist is drunk-dazed.

Anyway, Supermassive Black Hole by Muse became the first song that I associated to Hwangwon. It was like, idk the theme song while i was writing it? In fact, the whole black market scene during the intro was written to supermassive black hole. I didn't really make a moodboard for HB and instead created a playlist and relied on getting the vibe from that instead.

if i were to describe the songs that i picked out for hwanghon, it would be dark and somewhat eerie. most of them were rock/alt, (Test Me - Xdinary Heroes, One in a Billion - Enhypen, Tonight is the Night I Die - Palaye Royal)

some were also alternative/indie like Teeth - 5SOS, cult leader - king mala, and Blood // Water - grandson.

I played this playlist 24/7 while writing the fic NO JOKE LIKE ESPECIALLY IN THE SHOWER even though some of the songs creeped me out T^T bc honest to god some of them lowkey sounded demonic but it is what it is. So, I listened to these vampy songs while trying to come up with the main theme of the fic.

If you watched the video teasers I posted on my twitter, you'd know that I strongly associated Xdinary Heroes songs to HB, especially during the scenes where they're playing tag and running around the city, especially Test Me.

Hold Me Tight, and Tunnel by KimYeji were for the more somber parts like Jake's inner monologues about fitting in, heejay talking about the coven and jake, and especially the scene were Jay runs to Jake in the bathroom and relives Heeseung's near death.

And while I do associate their running scenes with xdinary heroes, BONBON GiRL by SARM is an honorable mention. To me this is a bouncier song for the times they're leaping from one rooftop to another, just having fun while Seoul's citylights shine below them. When I play this song, Hwanghon Brew suddenly turns into this cyberpunk vampire anime in my mind.

Some special mentions that I really enjoyed listening to and helped me brainstorm for scenes are: Real Boy - Lola Blanc, Verbatim - Mother Mother, and Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High - Artic Monkeys.

OUTLINING

As some of my readers might know, my first step when writing a fic is to make an outline. My first thought was to think about the characters. With heejay being established, it only made sense for me to make them members of the frat/coven. With that thought in mind, I wondered how to write Jake into their lives. And thought, hmm, what if he moved to Seoul for college and stumbles upon one of the coven members? Let's make him a newly turned vampire from the country side.

(jake bagong salta to coven = jake new to the coven)

So i was trying to come up with the main theme of the fic and initially came up with this:

I was just thinking that jake was just, idk, desperately trying to fit in even though he was already part of the coven, and heejay could teach him how to be a vampire and their feelings could develop through that. Of course, this idea changed as the outline became more fleshed out.

After establishing the basics of the character backgrounds, my next step was to outline the plot itself. I divided the plot into the 5+1 structure, and brainstormed for a main event/scene per number.

this is the unedited original outline LMAOO which obviously was changed as I went along with writing it. I wasn't given an exact word count and was just told to write whatever I wanted (thank you sm ate cams 🥺) and honestly i went into this thinking that i'd be done by 10k HAHAHAHA BOY WAS I WRONG. then again, i shouldn't really be surprised because i have the habit of going over my target word count. In fact my bestie Erina (who helped me brainrot a lot during the writing process (luv u bubbie hwanghon brew will forever be your inaanak) was like. bubbie. how could you even think you'd be done by 10k LMAOO)

anyways, let's unpack this original outline. the [ 5 - hoon supposed to take him to hwanghon but can't ] made it to the fic since Sunghoon really asked Jay to take Jake to hwanghon. [ 4 - heeseung arc, bonding over ramyeon ] was only partially kept. Instead of the 4th part being about jake feeling hesitant, it becomes heejake growing closer through their convo while having ramyeon, and jake trying to get closer to jay by using the honey cookies. So i guess you can say that food holds importance in this part.

the third part where jake underestimates his appetite and heejay come to the rescue is kept, but added to it are heejake and heejay scenes, the latter giving more insight to the jayke aspect of things

The 2nd one. So my thought process here is: the initiation is successful. However, throughout and after this, heejay become more and more possessive over jake without them actually noticing and without them realizing why. So, the members intervene by acting all flirty with jake until heejay finally acknowledge their feelings, and this leads to the jealousy jealousy part in number 1. and somehow the tension just builds up until they all just erupt and make out, which would lead to them feeding on each other.

as you can see, khan's appearance in the fic was not part of the original outline. and that definitely changes a lot of things.

for the first few parts of the fic, i outlined the turn of events and crossed them out once i finished writing that sequence. my original outline somehow ends here? IDK how i outlined the rest of the fic LMAO IT WAS A FEVER DREAM. ANYWAY.

THE BLACKMARKET

i wanted to start the fic with a banger. literally. so, what better way to do it than to bombard countryboy Jake with the grim reality of the city, right?

After listening to Supermassive Black Hole, this black market scene immediately played in my mind and set the tone for the rest of the fic. It came to me quickly--the image of Jake stumbling upon a black market swaying, dizzy as hell, his vision splitting and all these neon signs swirling around him. for me, the song cemented the over all night life/cyberpunk vibe that I was going for.

At first, I was thinking that it's Jay who finds Jake in that market. Like the thought of spotting Jay amidst the blur of people was so appealing to me (especially as your resident jayker). But I figured that it would be better for Sunghoon to find him first, because not only does this create a foundation for jakehoon's friendship, but also sets the stage for a better meeting between jake and heejay.

Right off the bat I wanted this scene to be as descriptive as possible, so that I could immediately give the readers a good feel of the universe and the dark tone of the fic. Hence why I enumerated every single thing from a man trying to sell Jake drugs,

“Hyungnim,” A man suddenly slings his arm around his shoulders. “You looking for a good time?” “N-no,” He answers meekly, pushing away the man who had a couple of tattoos dotting the left side of his face, his leather jacket reeking of alcohol and some kind of earthy, herby scent.

(that's why he smelled earthy - y'know...marijuana) to prostitutes trying to beckon him over

“Hey, are you lost?” Two girls call out to him in coy voices, breaking out into giggles and taking drags of the cigarettes pinned between their long manicured nails.

Anyway, while i was writing this, i was constantly seeking opinions from my close friends (love u erina i could not have written most of this without you) and recieved good feedback about the intro, so i think it was pretty effective.

SUNGHOON

(this is the hoon in my head!! ugh so hot fr fr imagine him just walking along seoul at night jumping from one roof to another)

like I said, since i made Sunghoon the character who finds Jake, I wanted him to make a strong impression, which is why he is how he is--practically dragging Jake to the cafe, ordering for him, talking on and on even though Jake wasn't responding LMAO like Sunghoon didn't really care TT

I also wanted him to have #humor which is why he's so damn sarcastic all the time "don't worry i don't bite" SAYS THIS WITH HIS CHEST WHILE BEING A WHOLE VAMPIRE LIKE FUCK OFFF "no humans were harmed in the process" he's so??!?! anyway, it was super fun writing him, he's easily one of my favorite sunghoons in all the fics i've written.

though it looks like him being a lovesick fool is a common thing among my fics and i don't regret this one bit. It's so funny writing Sunghoon pining over Sunoo when the latter doesn't even give him his time of the day (not true, actually he's just equally enamored)

While it is true that Sunghoon is one of the comedic reliefs in this fic, Sunghoon is also the token best friend that everyone needs. He has his own way of looking after Jake that is just so endearing to me. In fact one of my personal favorite scenes would be the jakehoon skirmish during the initiation where they're just tumbling down from one roof to another. They way Sunghoon was so proud when Jake managed to get his necklace 🥺 and the way he was like "Go. The other three won't be as easy as I was."

In his own silly little ways, he makes sure that Jake isn't left behind and watches over him. (Sunghoon wouldn't have brought Jake to the cafe and bought him a blood smoothie to begin with if he wasn't so kind) Speaking of blood smoothie, that brings us to the next part

RASPBERRY ORANGES

also known as blood oranges, where Enhypen coined their album name "Orange Blood" from. If you check the dates, Hwanghon Brew was posted before this release so belift, i was first 🙄 (lighthearted) anyway, blood oranges are literally just oranges but the insides are red.

I was searching for a fruit that would pass off as the same color as blood because I wanted Sunghoon to order something cryptic. In the sense that it's not really on the menu since only vampires would know about it because it's a code for blood, but if per se, a human manages to overhear it and ask about it, they could just serve a real fruit smoothie and it wouldn't look any different.

I thought maybe dragonfruit? but it's too purple. raspberry is too pink. strawberry would be too pale. I stumbled upon the raspberry orange, saw the pulp looking like blood and i thought, yeah this is it. This looks vampire-y enough.

I included this fruit solely because of that and didn't really think of anything else lol. Later on, I found out through my moot Kaia that blood oranges hold meanings that really align with the concept of Hwanghon Brew

THE BASEMENT

I don't know if i should feel flattered, scared, or annoyed that there seem to be so many parallels between hwanghon brew and official enhypen content. because first of all, i posted HB in october of 2022, and it had the line "bite me" (i'm not gatekeeping that phrase but the parallels are just fascinating) and then they come out with Dark Blood and Bite Me as the title track in 2023. Also, like i said, blood oranges, Orange Blood, etc etc. And the basement/frathouse IS EXACTLY WHAT THE SET IN SWEET VENOM LOOKS LIKE

like. the strobe lights, the party, the dingy mattresses??? thanks to belift for bringing my fic to life i guess??!?W@#$ anyway, since they were a coven disguised as a frat, i figured it was only right for them to have a frathouse. i didn't do much research on frats because i didn't focus on it much in the fic, but i guessed that frathouses were mostly...well, messy. Plus, they're supposed to be broke college kids, so i thought it'd be fitting for them to rent out a cheap basement in one of the shady alleys in Seoul.

THE COVEN

While it is true that they're also kind of a frat, like Sunghoon says,

“It’s a coven and a frat. I mean, we’re fronting as a frat. But, it’s not exactly a disguise because we really are a frat? You get what I mean.” Sunghoon waves his messy explanation off.

they are a coven first and foremost, which to me crosses out the thought that they only have men (since y'know. frat). in my mind the coven also has female members. since txt are part of it, i immediately thought of itzy, pictured yeji and ryujin on the couch making out and i was like yeah, i like that.

aside from the basement looking like sweet venom, at the time I was writing it, SV wasn't out yet. So the party was actually mostly based on the drunk-dazed party

Anyway, it's mentioned in passing that the pioneer of this coven is Jay, and he served as its leader for a good few centuries before handing the torch to Jungwon. Since then, he took the backseat with the leadership, but still helped in calling the shots. Jungwon doesn't make big decisions without consulting him (and Heeseung consequently)

MEETING HEEJAY

Like I said, I wanted to set the stage for heejay--present them in a way that both Jake and the readers know that they aren't like any other. I wanted them to be revered. While everyone was wilding it out partying, they were in the backroom watching it all unfold. idk there's just something about them just sitting there and watching over their people. literally like kings over their constituents. (constituents??!!)

Tall nose, sharp lips, tanned skin peeking out from the rips in his jeans

Tall nose, small lips, sharp jaw trailing down to a chin that juts out when he frowns. A leather choker around his neck, his knitted top torn.

These were the pictures in mind when I wrote the descriptions of heejay's first appearance

JAY

i can't recall if someone left a comment about this or a friend told me, but i remember someone saying that it made so much sense that Jay was the eldest vampire. they said that usually, people would think of going according to enha's real age, so it was refreshing to see Jay as the eldest.

to me it just felt right to make Jay the eldest and only pureblood in the coven. I think i based this off of the fact that Jay in real life was obviously brought up in a high class (?) family and environment. He knows a lot of things, is well off, and yet he seems street smart and wise.

with this, i came up with his background--his family being around for ages, somewhat pioneers of the current seoul vampire society, and owners of the disguised vampire establishments. speaking of family, it's implied that Yoongi is Jay's relative.

aside from this, I was thinking, Jay is mostly a loving sweetheart in the fics i've written, so why not make him a loving but emotionally constipated tsundere in this one?

anyway, given the fact that jay is the eldest, only pureblood, and founding father of their coven, i think his disposition was to be expected. he's literally like a grumpy overprotective father. to him his coven is his family, which is why he's skeptical to let strangers get close to the people he loves. especially after the first khan incident. He let khan into the coven, treated him as his own kin, and khan betrayed him by abandoning all the principles and beliefs he stands by, and put their coven in a bad light because of this. I can't really blame him for being on guard and cut throat with accepting new members after this.

HEESEUNG

heejay being 7yearz going on 8yearz in real life is truly the basis of heejay in this fic, and consequently, Heeseung's characterization. much like in real life, i wanted them to have spent a lot of time together, which is why i wrote Heeseung as coming from 1235, which was the Goryeo era. Originally, I wrote Heeseung as coming from the late 13th century, but wanted to align his story with a real historic event. That's why I moved his year to 1235 where there were Mongol invasions, which led to him being injured, and then led to him being turned.

I think it's evident especially with the whole "While Jay is the storm, Heeseung is the calm before that" part, that I wanted to strike a balance with the characterization of heejay. To me it also felt so...idk, couple? so parents of them to be opposites in this way. It was like Tamaki going all out and then there's Kyouya, his silent and supportive right hand man. (from Ouran High School Host Club)

Which is why I leaned into Heeseung's laid back traits in real life and channeled his relaxed and easy going disposition. I just figured it would have been too difficult for Jake if both Jay and Hee were skeptical of him, so i thought let's make Heeseung someone who is a good judge of character, someone who immediately sees the good in Jake and becomes smitten.

I believe Heeseung acted as a bridge more than anything because jayke's bond was honestly the last to form, so he's a mediator in more ways than one.

With regards to the coven, it is mentioned that Heeseung is the second eldest, which means that next to Jay, he's the most respected because #age and #heirarchy and all. Also, no one would dare question Hee because he is after all, Jay's life long partner and lover.

In my mind, Heeseung is very wife in this fic, in the sense that most of the time he is Jay's voice of reason, lending his silent support especially during the times it is most needed. While the coven was founded by Jay, it would be crippled without Heeseung.

JAYHOON CONVO (OUTTAKE)

On the day that Sunghoon told Jake to come to the coven, Heeseung was the only one in the basement. Jay went grocery shopping and Sunghoon bumped into him on the way there. they both make an entrance while bickering

the door swings open and in comes Sunghoon and Jay, at each other’s neck. Figuratively.  “You should have told me beforehand!” “Well, I’m telling you now,”

Actually, they were fighting over Jake. The whole conversation goes like this:

"I told him he could join." "Who are you to decide that?" "Oh c'mon, aren't we like allowed to make referrals? like in companies? I'm pretty sure I should be getting a commission for recruiting him." "??? we are not a multi level company. Go bring your pyramid schemes somewhere else. Not to my coven" "But I already told Jake to come over," "You should have told me beforehand!" "Well, I'm telling you now"

their convo sounds pretty funny and sooo jayhoon in my head that i just had to share this even though it didn't make the cut in the fic

HWANGHON BREW

the heart of this fic (only actually partly, but the fact that this fic is named after the cafe make a big difference, no?) I'm not sure where this idea came from, I just figured it would be nice for them to have their own establishment. Like. #made by vampires for vampires. something like that, and thought hm, why not a cafe? so i went on to a name generator and it showed me a bunch of corny names for cafes T^T. I saw the word brew and it kinda stuck. So the next thing i did was to search for the korean words of vampire related things--moon, blood, twilight. And that's how i found the word hwanghon.

I put hwanghon and brew together, decided that i liked the sound of it, and put it as the working title while i was writing. i honestly didn't think that it would be the final title. I was just thinking of replacing it when i thought of something better, but fortunately i was unable to come up with anything that topped it DFAHAHAHA i am also so relieved I kept the title because i think it's so distinct? It has a very nice ring to it and makes it easy for me to search people talking about it on twitter HAHSDHF

here's the logo/symbol of hwanghon brew, and it's exactly as it is described in the fic

a crescent moon with the tips downturned, red rays dripping down from the middle. 

the red rays are an allegory to blood, hence why I used the word "dripping" to describe it. also, to me, the downturned crescent moon is a hollistic symbol of vampirisms. it is both a moon, and a pair of fangs. This symbol also plays a big part in the initiation because the necklace's pendant is in the same shape.

anyway, onto the system of hwanghon brew itself. Like Jay explained, the process of blood goes like this: human donations > health organizations > human government > high council > blood banks > vampire establishments (like HB) honestly, i didn't really consume much vampire media. i have never watched twilight or vampire diaries. the only knowledge i have of the collective concept of vampires would be from interview with a vampire, supernatural, a few clips from vampire knight, and a few panels from blood bank.

though i think the fact that i didn't really consume vampire media turned out to be a good thing in the long run, because I eventually had my very own take on the vampire universe and the world building. Though, it's not uncommon to have blood banks and whatnot, i just find it fascinating to have the vampire high council working hand in hand with the human government.

JAKE

oh my sweet Jake. he's just a baby girl, that's all. His characterization here isn't really far off from how i see him in real life? happy go lucky, very determined, absolutely resilient.

besides, i think that these are qualities of a person who can go through so much and come out of it stronger. these are the traits that would enable him to put his foot forward, join the coven, butter up to heejay, and go against a monster like khan.

however, while he is all those things---strong and brave, he is also very hesitant at the same time? He's the type to rethink his actions and mull over his decisions over and over again and question himself if he made the right choice.

he's also very conscious of the people around him, and he has his own insecurities, which to makes him feel more human than any of them, which also makes sense given that he's the youngest vampire.

EYE COLORS

I mention this throughout the fic--their eyes flashing inhuman colors whenever they're either hungry, protective, angry, etc etc. For Jake, it's blue. For Jay, it's red. This small detail isn't really important aside from the fact that only purebloods have red eyes, but I just got this idea from the japanese MV of given-taken. (actually, i rewatched that mv so many times while writing this fic)

GIFTS

it's mentioned in the fic that vampires develop gifts down the road. Jay's is super strength, Heeseung - telepathy, Jungwon - speed, Sunghoon - shapeshifter(?), Sunoo - gravity defiance, Riki - shadow manipulation/teleportation

Honestly, i just got this from the dark moon webtoon because i wanted to add a little flare to it lmao. Given, Jake's power would be fire. Initially, I thought of including his power in the fic. If I did, it would play out like this: jake getting beat up by khan > heejay comes to the rescue > khan puts up a fight, drives them into a corner > jake, livid that khan had hurt heejay, awakens his power and uses fire for the first time to protect them (wow, zuko who?)

but I decided to scrap that idea because I wanted Jay to be indomitable, and also kinda wanted Jake to play into that whole damsel in distress thing

anyway speaking of powers, if anyone's wondering why heeseung didn't just tap into jake's mind to find him, it's because heeseung's telepathy in this universe only works on covenmates. and since jake technically wasn't a member yet, he couldn't reach him.

THE INITIATION

actually, if i remember correctly, this idea came from one of my twt besties and gfs, nina. it makes sense of course, because they're a frat. and frats have initiations and it's just terrorizing new recruits, like Sunghoon said. They reason that it's to assess the new member (especially after someone like khan), they wanted to be more sure of new recruits--whether they'd play dirty just to be part of the coven.

Sunghoon also mentions that it's Riki who suggested to have initiations and that it usually consists of playing games (tag, hide and clap) but with a vampire twist. Not only does this allow the existing members of the coven to assess the new recruits physical abilities (speed, senses, etc.) but it also allows them to asses their decision making.

SUNOO, JUNGWON, AND RIKI

admittedly, I didn't put much details about these three compared to the hyung line for various reasons.

for one, I wanted Sunoo to be a mystery, and figured that would only be effective if I only gave out little information about him, leaving gaps and spaces for the readers to imagine. Which is why I mentioned that aside from Jay, no one really knows about his age or where he came from. (but his backstory is complete in my mind lmao.) also, I wanted Sunoo to be different from the other vampires, which is why he sometimes talks in shakespearean HAJSHA. AND I wanted his character to be different from all the other sunoos I've written. I just really love playing into the opposite of how majority of the fandom perceives him as well.

Jungwon, while being the coven's leader, only makes appearances once in a while. Despite his little screentime (sorry won I'll make it up to you), I wanted to make sure that he came across as reliable, especially since he is the coven's acting leader. Which is why he shows up to remind Jake to feed. To me, while he participates in initiations, he makes up his mind about the new recruits prior to that and acts based on this. He went easy on Jake because he actually liked him and wanted him to be a part of the coven, which is why he played along but gave back Jake's moon necklace in the end.

And Riki. He may seem like a playful vampire who's just there for the vibes, but he is also very perceptive. Like Sunoo, he plays a bigger part than what is implied, but I don't want to give out too much information bc I want to write a prequel HSDFHAHSD but yeah, Riki knows the streets and knows his shit.

well, that's that. Thank you for coming to my ted talk! I really enjoyed writing about my thought process while writing, and where I pulled inspiration from. I still think that I really outdid myself with writing this one and I think the comments I got just prove it. I love Hwanghon Brew with my whole heart and I am beyond happy that I get to share this with people who enjoyed reading it just as much as I had fun writing.

whatever i didn't cover here (like most of their character backgrounds, and khan) I will be including in the prequel. Anyway, speaking of the prequel, I've been told that some readers are curious about the timelines and the backstories of the members. I think if you pay enough attention to detail, you'd be able to gather a few hints about the timelines and their ages.

I do hope that if I ever do push through with it, you would be tuned in as well >< I have actually finished the outline, all that's left is actually writing it. I don't know when because I am unfortunately a busy college senior (writing her thesis and having her internship). But I do hope I get to do it soon because some of you really seem enthusiastic about it and it really warms my heart. Anyway, please consider this a love letter to the readers who enjoyed Hwanghon so much and showered it with so much love.

love u all ❣

[goodmorningdove]

tell me fun deltarune facts!!

instead of a fun fact have uhh what i think is how toby fox is going to tell the stpry of delatrune. Or rather, how he's controlling our perception of the narrative. For starters, toby has the advantage of us inherently percieving deltarune through the lens of undertale, which i think has lead to the perception that ralsei may be evil (bcz ralsei = asriel who is flowey and flowey acted nice but then turned and tried to kill you famously) but i personally think ralsei genuinely thinks he is doing the right thing.

I think toby is deliberately feeding us misleading information. Like at the end of chapter 1 when jris brandishes their knife it's like "OH SHIT OH FUCK IS KRIS EVIL??" and then chap 2 opens and it's like nahh they just ate a whole pie. honestly mood i relate to kris so fucking much in that moment. who hasnt wanted to eat an entire pie after befriending their school bully after exploring a magic world together and meeting a weird clone of your brother.

anyway i think toby is continuing to give us misleading information, like what the hell was up with kris at the end of chap 2. also what the hell is up with the secret bosses and shadow crystals and eggs. Yeah that's right fucking EGGS are a lore implicated object. There is a man. He gave you an egg. There is no longer a man. Wing Dings Aster i am fucking onto you you egg faced bastard.

Anyway. I guess fun fact i used to be a little uncomfortable with kris befriending suzie bcz of my history of being bullied (it sucked) but the spamton sweepstakes revealed that kris knows... something idk Suzie threatened kris at one point pre deltarune and as per usual suzie is threatening to eat kris's face but kris said SOMETHING to suzie that made suzy run out of the room. We don't know what kris said. we know it was short, we know it scared off suzie. Not permenantly, but she did run out of the room. Also fun fact noelle holiday is a fan of hacking video games! This may be foreshadowing that noelle is necessary to changing how deltarune ends (we are all convinced deltarune will end in a tragedy and honestly i do not know why. To be fair the ending is literally canonically a fever dream i am not joking the ending to deltarune came to toby in a dream while he was sick with a fever)

anyway uhhhhhhhhhh oh yeah can i go on a suzelle rant? haha this is my post you can't stop me!!! anyway the idea that suzelle is toxic or isn't going to be canon is just not something i see as textually becoming true (one theory guy i watch loves the idea of sizie turning noelle down and i personally just don't see that as the most narratively potent storyline) Here's what we know about noelle and suzie's storylines indivdually. Suzie: a supposed toughgirl who's actually emotionally scarred and covers her fears of being judged by being aggressive. She also is afraid that people will judge her for being too loud or aggresive when she tries to fit in, so she purposefully goes over the top aggresive so she's in control of the narrative. Her narrative has already started with her and kris becoming weirdo friends as well as her friendship with lancer and beginning to open up to Ralsei's sensitiveness also being something that suzie at least kind of enjoys. Noelle: soooo fucking scared her mother is scary and doesnt let her express emotions at all, her sister is missing and her dad is in the hospital so she's stuck with her scary mother who is probably even colder than normal due to stress of a missing daughter and sick husband. Noelle also has a sort of facination with scary things, she's a lil thrill seeker but she has a difficult time differentiating what's a fun scare and what's a bad scare. Most things feel like a bad scare... except for suzie! suzie is a fun scare, largely because suzie has never once been actually mean to noelle (and kris seems like they arent actually afraid of suzie) and noelle's arc in chapter 2 (snowgrave notwithstanding) is about her standing up to Queen who has been trying to use noelle's power to open up another dark fountain. Their arcs combined, to me at least, will become suzie learning that her weirdness/scaryness won;t drive noelle away and also is part of what noelle likes about suzie. She also won't have to worry about noelle judging her for being sensitive because well, noelle is quite sensitive! Noelle meanwhile i see gaining more and more confident, and suzie will act as noelle's hypewoman. This will further Noelle's confidence because suzie IS very strong so if someone doesn't take noelle seriously then suzie can step up to help and be like "you wanna try that again?" to the idiot trying to disrespect noelle. also i think it would be really cute and funny if noelle and suzie went on a date to watch a horror movie and noelle is staring at the screen very intently meanwhile suzie is clinging onto noelle out of pure fear.

also no one knows what the fuck ralsei is but there are some theories (surprisingly the dead asriel theory actually holds weight and explains a lot) BUT an obvious angle is that ralsei is the missing green crayon from kris's house combined with kiris's old red horned headband. Personally i think the red horned headband is a bit of red herring (lol) as i personally think kris is just uh depressed. I know ralsei has pink horns which i know is abnormal for what we know of asriel but like. idk it could just be that ralsei isnt asriel. or asriel's horns ARE pink afterall we have only seen asriel: without horns and: with horns in god of hyper death mode which also happens to have his sprite in black and white. So like theres a lot of wiggle room.

anyway now im going to off about my kris is depressed theory thing. i think it's pretty obvious that kris is an allegory for depression. They are the boring human in a town full of monsters, their best friend and brother has left for college, who they probably have been living in the shadow of as he has all done. It's also quite possible that kris's only other friend, noelle, may have also only been because of asriel, as noelle has an older sister, Dess, who very likely was friends with asriel, while kris and noelle were mostly just friends by proxy. Kris may be afraid that when Asriel returns he won't want to hang out with kris anymore. Maybe that's why Kris is opening the dark fountains? to put the world in jepordy and then save the world so their brother still thinks they are cool. It's a bit extreme but idk maybe kris is also suicidal (which i actually do think is true)

also im like 99% sure that suzie does not know that asriel exists. and i cant wait for her to learn about him. like that's going to be fucking hilarious.

anyway this turned into a fucking mess i hoped you enjoyed it :) go play deltarune chapters 1&2 they are free :)

[katierosefun]

i originally had a september wrap-up post queued but then tumblr fucking ate it, which made me very angry because i didn’t want to re-type the whole thing, but i’m procrastinating, so here i am, re-typing the whole thing of all the things i watched/consumed over the month of september, even if it’s a little late: (it’s fine, i didn’t watch a whole ton of stuff except...a lot of kdramas lmao. oh, and visions.) 

k-dramas: 

beyond evil 

okay, so i think this has been on my rec list for literally forever now, but...besties, i’m on my fifth watch of this goddamn show in the span of maybe two months, so if that doesn’t tell you how much this show has been a comfort/eating my brain lately, idk what will. 

i literally never shut up about this show, but if you’ve somehow been missing from my blog for a little bit, a quick summary: lee dong sik (played by the ever-wonderful shin ha kyun) was accused of murder + kidnapping a few young women, including his own twin sister 20 years ago. he’s lived a pretty quiet life on his own, and now 20 years later, his whole world is turned upside down again when hotshot new inspector han joo won (played by the talented yeo jin goo) comes into this little town. when the murders start up again, these two are thrown into a hellishly complex mystery. will throw you in for a hellish loop. i think my thoughts best summarize this show as come for the murder mystery, stay for whatever the hell joo won and dong sik have. 

okay, but all joking aside about how much i love joo won and dong sik (because...i truly do love them), this show was incredibly healing. once again: this show has quickly become a comfort show, basically to the point where i just watch it whenever i feel down (which happens to be a lot these days). idk man. humans aren’t meant to carry burdens on their own and all that stuff. sometimes u just need to remind yourself that. 

the crowned clown 

so, after watching beyond evil the fourth time, i realized that maybe i wanted to watch some of the actors’ other works. that was how i found myself watching the crowned clown, which...is an excellent kdrama now available on netflix (also on viki for free, just as beyond evil is). honestly, it’s been a hot second since i’ve watched historical dramas (saeguks), so i was a little unsure what to expect, but this show. bro. this show reminded me just how much i love historical dramas, because the court politics? the costumes? the music? the acting? fantastic. 

basically, this show is about the young clown (ie. performer) ha seon (played by yeo jin goo) who now has to replace the king, who might be like...two seconds away from snapping (if he hasn’t already). the reason they’re able to do this is because they look exactly identical despite not being related. 

this story is honestly wonderful. i loved it, and it’s an interesting way to look at the story behind the actual king (because. apparently this king was a real person, and i think his story has inspired quite a few other korean movies/shows). i thought yeo jin goo was brilliant in this show, and it’s really no surprise he became the youngest person ever nominated for a baeksang award because of this series. i was truly blown away by just how versatile he proved to be of an actor, and his dynamics with the other characters (the queen, the secretary being my fave, as well as the old eunuch jo), i just...bro. i’ll admit i wasn’t the biggest fan of the romance (don’t get me wrong! it was sweet!), but i think that might have been because this was so court politics heavy, and i adored it for that. if you’ve never watched a historical drama but want to and just don’t know where to start, i highly recommend this. 

d.p. 

bro....this show was dark. i watched it all in 2 days (pretty easy to do, considering it’s 6 episodes and maybe 40-50 minutes long per episode), and i needed to lie down. this is just one of those shows that i feel is...very important to watch, even if the content matter isn’t very bright. 

basically, dp is about two deserter pursuit officers: ahn jun ho (played by jung hae in) and han ho yul (played by koo kyo hwan). deserter pursuit officers are basically people who chase after people who deserted their military post--and for those who don’t know, being in the military is mandatory for men in south korea. this is the result of the armistice between the north and the south--basically, since north korea never agreed to an actual peace treaty, south korea is constantly under threat of war, which is why men need to serve at least a few years. (this is why a lot of actors + kpop band members often take breaks from their careers--to fulfill their military service time. because yup, even celebrities aren’t exempt from service!) 

anyways, this show really doesn’t pull back their punches. major trigger warnings for things like intense harrassment, suicide, domestic violence...it really does capture just how dark life can be, and also how toxic the military can be for men. because of that, i felt this show was incredibly well-crafted, incredibly nuanced, and in the end, i just felt sad. that said though, there was a hopeful ending, and i’m glad that this show was renewed for a second season, as i think this show is just...really important. 

squid game 

okay, so i don’t want to be that person, but your girl was watching squid game right after it came out, so i was here before the hype train--but okay, okay, i digress. (i am glad that this show is getting hype. i feel it’s very important that people watch this show.) 

if you haven’t noticed how squid game’s climbed to #1 on netflix worldwide (i think, anyways), well, then...buddy. squid game is about a bunch of people who have the chance to earn lots of money by playing what seems like innocent children’s games. (spoilers: they are far from innocent.) 

this show scarred me, to be honest. i needed to watch something lighthearted after this, just because it was so intense. lots of trigger warnings for blood and gore, as well as just. losing faith in humanity. but also, like dp, i felt this show was necessary. it was incredibly well-constructed in that it showed just what desperate people will do in order to survive, as well as exactly what a terrible capitalistic society will do to the working class. it’s depressing and sad, but also incredibly chilling because like. you can’t help but watch the characters and think, but would i do the same thing? i just want to pay off my own debt and take care of my family. wouldn’t i do the same thing? 

i won’t say more of this show for fear of spoilers, but. let me just say. that i really am glad this show exists. i hope people actually notice what the fuck it’s saying about our current system too, because hm, maybe i just want to suck the fun out of things, but there’s something very disturbing about how people are already cute-ifying this show (ie. “this is what i would wear to the squid games! :D” and “look at these squid-game inspired cookies! :D”, as if this show didn’t just deliver a heart-crushing message about capitalism + how the wealthy fuck over anyone who isn’t the 1% BUT ANYWAYS) 

tv 

star wars: visions 

lately i’ve been feeling weird about star wars for lots of different reasons which i don’t particularly feel like addressing today, but. visions really reminded me why i fell in love with star wars in the first place. i think for starters, well. it’s no surprise when i say that i felt an intense amount of joy of seeing east asian cultures so beautifully incorporated and respected in this show (no surprise seeing that this show was literally crafted by japanese anime studios), but like. it really was. a beautiful thing. i cried at least once per episode, either because i was so in awe of the animation and the themes or because i was just in awe that this thing exists. 

i think my favorite episode had to be the village bride--there was something so incredibly powerful about seeing someone who looked a bit like me say i am a jedi. what an iconic line. what an iconic story about a sad traumatized gal deciding to step up and fight, actually. peak star wars. 

but besides all that...i really did feel like...this show captured the beauty and essence of what makes star wars actually good. the themes of good versus evil, a lot of stuff between siblings (bro....the twins and lop and ocho FUCKED ME UP), choosing to have brighter and better days ahead (the village bride, the ninth jedi, the duel, tatooine rhapsody)...like, i really loved how each episode really took everything that was good about star wars and just turned it into something even more beautiful. this series will stay with me for a long time, i think--and i am very grateful for the people involved in this project for reminding me why i fell in love with this universe in the first place. :”)

[austinbaker94]

Answer All the NSFW questions 

Ask me these probing NSFW questions ‘cuz I’m bored

SEXYTIMES EXPERIENCES

1. How many people have you had sex with?

Just 5

2. Can you remember the names of everyone you’ve slept with?

Nope, to be fair i never did get one of the names

3. With whom did you first do the sexytimes? Was it good?

With an ex boyfriend who was at least 7 years older then me, and it was okay. The anti depressants I was on made me pretty numb.

4. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

Honestly I’m not sure, there really isn’t a time that was the best just parts of different times that were really good. Like the time a guy ate me out for like a half hour before we went at it.

5. What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?

The last time an ex and I had sex was the absolute worst, I was hungover as fuck, and there was defiantly a lot of blood. I’ll just leave it at that.

6. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?

In the middle of my high school football field.

7. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve masturbated?

Parking-lot of the college I was going to in between classes.

8. Have you ever been caught doing the sexytimes?

I don’t think so, there were defiantly times that were supper close though.

9. If you masturbate, when did you start, and how?

I was way too young, and I really don’t remember. 

10. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

No, thank god!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

25. Describe your nipples in too much detail.

lol, smaller kind of pinkish, a little bit of hair around them. Sensitive, they're nipples how much detail can I really give

28. (Penis-owners) Describe the size and shape of your penis. Are you happy with it?

Oh god , It’s okay. It sticks straight out, Id say it was average size, Maybe 7.5″ idk I have checked in a long time, decent  girth, not too big. 

29. (Penis-owners) Have you tasted your own cum? Did you like it?

Yes, and it honestly tasted like nothing

SEXUAL FANTASY LAND

31. Describe your most unusual/taboo fantasy.

oh man, I really don’t think this is too taboo/unusual but I’d love have a guy ride me while another guy sat on my face and let me eat  him out. So basically a three way lol

32. Do you fantasise more about real situations, or imaginary/impossible ones?

More real, the impossible stuff/imaginary stuff just doesn’t really do anything for me.

33. Who’s the oddest person you’ve fantasised about?

There’s defiantly hot older guys out there that were probably someones grandpa but no one really specific. 

34. Do you ever find yourself fantasising absent-mindedly, or is it something you do on purpose?

Usually absent-mindedly. I see a hot guy and my brain just goes for it lol.

35. Do you always fantasise while you masturbate?

Yes? pretty sure it’s a must

36. When you fantasise, does it usually lead to masturbation?

No, most of the time I’m in a place or situation where that isn’t possible.

37. Have you ever had sex with someone while fantasising about someone else?

No, I don’t think so. Sometimes My mind will wonder off and i zone out bad.

38. Do you have any celebrity crushes that you fantasise about?

Do pron stars count? lol

39. Have you ever fantasised about something by accident, and felt weird about it after?

Yes, some of my friends have hot dads and honestly that can lead to things feeling awkward.

40. Describe your most sexy fantasy.

I’ll just refer you back to 31

KINKTOWN USA

41. How do you feel about BDSM?

I’ve never tired it but some of it looks like fun.

42. What’s your most unusual kink?

I don’t think i have one :/

43. In an SM context, do you prefer giving pain, or receiving it?

Neither (?) I mean a good smack on the ass is nice but like idk if i want it to hurt more then that.

44. Do you consider yourself to be dominant, submissive, both, or neither?

I’d say submissive, just tell what to do.

45. Describe your most recent bondage experience.

I don’t have one :( 

46. In a BDSM context, have you ever referred to anyone as “daddy,” “mommy,” or any similar term?

Nope

47. Do you have a kink for any bodily fluids (pee, saliva, blood, tears, cum, etc.)?

Big no, like cum is kind of a given but the rest of it you can keep to yourself 

48. Have you ever revealed a kink to someone and had them react negatively?

Nope

49. Do you have any kinks that you’re ashamed of?

Also no

50. How much money have you spent on equipment for your kinks (toys, whips, chains, etc.)?

I have spent plenty on dildos and cock rings but I couldn’t begin to remember how much it all was.

COME FOR THE QUESTIONS, STAY FOR THE SUBHEADINGS

52. Have you ever come solely from penetration (anal or vaginal)?

Only once and it was the best!

53. Can you have an orgasm without your genitals being touched?

No, wish I could though

54. Describe how you like your genitals to be touched.

Can I say firmly grasp it ?

55. How sensitive are your nipples? Does nipple play turn you on?

Enough that I enjoy nipple play

56. Do you find it easier to orgasm with another person, or through masturbation?

Defiantly masturbation

57. Have you ever had an orgasm that you weren’t expecting?

No but that kinda sounds amazing

58. Do you get off easier from rough contact, or gentle?

Both to be fair

59. What’s the best orgasm you’ve ever had?

i was by myself using a vibrator in my ass and a fleshlight  between that and the edging I was doing I’m shocked I didn’t explode 

60. Did it take you a while to have your first orgasm, or were you an early starter?

Early starter, I think I was 14 when I really finally had an orgasm 

ORAL FIXATION

61. Do you enjoy giving oral sex? Why?

Yes and no, i get to worried I’m doing a bad job, but if a guy wants to face fuck me I’m all for it.

62. What’s your favourite position in which to receive oral?

I really don’t think i have one

63. Describe your oral sex technique.

Lots of tongue, and don’t be afraid to use your hands

64. Do you find it easier to give oral to someone with the same genital configuration as you (eg., you both own vaginas/both own penises), or different?

I’d say the same but I have experienced anything else 

65. Describe the worst oral sex you’ve ever received.

I don’t think I’ve hand any bad enough to remember 

66. Describe the best oral sex you’ve ever received.

My hands were tied behind my back and I was standing leaning against my dresser and he was just going for it while teasing me

67. Do you ever simulate oral sex while masturbating (sucking on dildos etc.)?

I’ve tried a couple of times but I get distracted if I do that

68. How sensitive is your mouth? Is it an erogenous zone, for you?

I don’t think it is but idk how i’d know that 

69. Do you like 69ing?

Yes but we have to laying on our sides not on top one another, i need to freedom laying on your side gives you

70. Can you deep-throat?

I’d like to think so, idk if I’ve sucked anything big enough to go to far down though

EVERYTHING BUTT

71. Do you like it in the butt?

Absolutely!

72. What’s the strangest object you’ve had in your butt?

i made an Ice dildo once so id say that

73. Do you enjoy being rimmed?

OH MY GOD YES!!

74. Can you take a lot in your butt, or just a little?

My biggest is an 11″ dildo (its not super thick) so you tell me

75. Describe your most recent experience with buttsex.

I don’t think I’ve had sex in 2020 yet so there is no recent 

76. Do you like doing stuff to other people’s butts?

Sure if they’ll let me

77. (Prostate-owners) Have you ever received a prostate massage?

No, but it sounds amazing!

78. Do you own any buttplugs?

I don’t, thought about getting some though

79. Have you ever had an embarrassing buttsex experience?

No, I’m way to paranoid that something embarrassing is going to happen, so i make I am perfectly clean

80. Have you ever pegged someone (ie., worn a strapon and fucked them in the butt)?

I haven’t but I don’t think I’d need to

SHARING IS CARING

All questions assume you’ve done group sex of some kind

81-90 are all a no lol I’ve never been with more then one person at a time

**BONUS DARES**

91. Post a selfie. 92. Post a naked selfie.

I’ll reblog with one

There is 100 but these were all the ones that were actually NSFW

[doubleddenden]

I don't think I uploaded this.

So idk if anyone remembers an older post I made with an OC and fakemon teams, but I got bored recently and decided to do a series of him exploring official regions.

First up, Galar, because I made the Dojo sprite first and said wth, let's just do it. I decided to omit a traditional Galar starter both to make his team different from mine and because none of the three really fit his style imo. Plus, Eevee is a good lad just to take everywhere with the only exception being Hoenn.

So, Taurao, in my mind, is located... ehhhhh northern US or Canada, haven't decided, so Galar, being the UK, seems closest in terms of location and geography or culture. Dray was most likely invited there as Tauraro's current or ex champion (depending on my anime or game timeline) to participate in the gym challenge, but was forced to start over due to Galar's ridiculous pokemon restrictions and Tauraro's own laws about their wildlife being far too dangerous for other regions.

He picked up an Eevee instead from a random train person after helping with a favor, and I imagine he probably got in a fight with Bede before he began his challenge. With a win, he got a wishing star to "go away", and with a visit to Magnolia, he got a Dyna bracelet made for him. As time went on, he would find that Eevee could Gmax.

Eventually he would catch a Rookidee which would evolve into his regional ace, Corviknight. Next would be Chewtle who became Drednaw, although Drednaw does not like to dynamax. Because Dray is a good guy, he obtained Toxel next, later Toxtricity, as a favor for saving the nursery people from Team Yell's annoyance. Next would be a random Sizzlepede he caught during Kabu's gym challenge that would later evolve into Centiskorch. Lastly, he caught a Clobbopus that followed him from the gates to Spikemuth, which evolved into Grapploct eventually.

However, his journey was cut short by Team Yell closing off Spikemuth. He would get his last two badges honorarily after beating the gyms, and help the gym leaders in taking out rampant dynamax pokemon, but he didn't make it in time for League registration and thus was disqualified.

To make up for it, he was invited to the Isle of Armor to train. There, he would have Corviknight, Toxtricity, and Centiskorch drink dynamax soup, allowing them to Gigantimax. While there, he caught a Sharpedo that almost ate him for lunch and uses that to get around the sea paths. Mustard gave him an egg that would hatch into a Mienfoo and eventually evolve into a Mienshao, because Dray was the only student who could fix the man's tv antennas to pick up Unovan wrestling without paying pay per view. Dray and Mustard would train together, and Dray's skills dramatically improved, but the day he beat Mustard, there was nothing left to teach him. This would be his last day at the dojo, but not before Honey helped him get to the Crown Tundra.

The Crown Tundra was a major test of skill for Dray. Peony recruited him to an exploration team with another trainer (could be the player character), and he mostly went because Peony reminded Dray a lot of his own dad, whom he missed. Dray somehow wasn't involved in much of the Calyrex stuff and instead focused on exploration and occasionally Dynamax Adventures, where he met Nia and was able to keep a Swampert he befriended during his time there. Dray would also make his way to the Dyna Tree, where he learned more of its mysteries and also caught a Tyrantrum that also made him a meal- reminding Dray that his Tauraran Charizard and Sharpedo also did the same. While someone else felt with Calyrex, Dray had to handle Regigigas, the titans, and the birds from wreaking havoc, and at the end he walked away with Regieleki.

After some considerable training, adray would eventually be invited to participate in the Galarian Star Tournament. Since there was a limit to how many pokemon could be used, Dray went with his trusty Gmax Corviknight, his Mienshao, and his new Regieleki to get by. I imagine he'd probably partner with someone like Peony so that the two could just plow through their competition and to help Peony give his daughter a show, and the final round would be against Leon and Mustard- a true fight of former champions as it were, since Leon canonically lost to the player at this point. Peony would wear both teams down but would probably be the first to go down, then Mustard, and finally Leon after Corviknight manages to survive Charizard and use a Dmax powered Brave Bird to just barely survive and end it, finally giving him the W in the fight he was looking forward to the most.

Dray would want to challenge the Champion, but the Champion is probably AWOL by this point. Oh well.

I might do another of these soonish but not sure when or where I'd base it in

[coollyinterferes]

   SPEED: One of the first things you need to know if you’re interacting with me or plan to do so is that I’m slow, and I really mean slow, with any and all of my replies. It can take from minutes/hours to days, weeks, sometimes even a month or so. It always depends on a variety of things, and how real life is going at the moment, as I tend to get busy at times, and also my mental health is not always at it’s best (as you know, I tend to go through episodes of anxiety and/or depression p often, and that usually ends up affecting my activity here) and I also happen to get distracted a lot sometimes. Add the issue I’ve been dealing with this past month with my laptop on top of all that, too orz

   REPLIES: I tend to miss some sometimes when tumblr’s notifs fail and I don’t have them on my tracker yet, or when the tracker is not working properly (like it was some time ago). I try to get to them as soon as I can when I see them. There are times some threads pique my muse’s interest more than others and, as such, he will bug me and make sure we get to those asap. As stated in the rules, it’s nothing personal, just a matter of the muse currently being more invested into those threads/replies. In regards of content: I always try to make sure I’m giving my partners something they can work with for their reply and to keep the ball rolling and the interest on the thread alive. However, I can’t do this alone, and I expect my partners to do their part on this. Being forced to carry all the weight of a thread sucks all the fun out of it, so if you ever feel like I’m failing to do my part on this, please, please! let me know so I can fix that as soon as I can!

   STARTERS: I’m not great at them, which is why I tend to go with small ic posts every now and then that serve as “open starters” of sorts. This does not mean that I won’t write you a starter if you’d like one from me, though! All you need to do is let me know you want one or, alternatively, write me one and tag me in it if that feels best for you. We can always plot something for it. It doesn’t have to be super in-depth. We can just set the outlines and go from there, if that’s best (I’d actually appreciate some input if you happen to have a muse from a different jojo part/fandom, or an OC, this to make something we’re both equally comfortable with).

   INBOX: My ask box is open all the time. Anon is on, too. Anything and everything is welcome, save for anon hate and stuff of the likes of it that no one wants to see (and as long as its within the rules, of course). If you ever want to send your muse over here, you can do it anytime! Same if you ever have any questions, if there's anything you want to know about my muse, anything you'd like to ask him about other muses, about his relationships with them and so on. Crack-ish, serious, angsty, etc. The possibilities are endless. And, as stated before, anon is on, so if that's best for you, you can always go with that! I'm a bit slow replying to asks sometimes, but I try to get to everything as soon as I can. I rarely ever delete asks so, if I haven’t replied to yours one way or another, then it most likely means that either tungle ate it, or it failed to notify me about it orz

   SELECTIVITY: I'm pretty flexible on this and I'm open to interactions with pretty much anyone and everyone regardless of their writing/rp style and so on. I don't always follow everyone back, mainly cause I try to keep a somewhat uncluttered dash. As stated in the rules, I usually don't follow back personal/non-rp accounts or accounts that post a lot of personal/non-rp posts (I sometimes follow some of these personals/non-rp accounts from my personal, though), blogs that don't trim their threads (2 or 3 blockquotes are fine, but more than that not so much) and etc. However, none of this will affect any possible interactions as I'm always open for interactions with mutuals AND non-mutuals.

   WISHLIST: There are a few things I've always wanted to try my hand at rp-wise. I've always wanted to explore more of Robert's past, from his childhood to his days as a gangleader. This can be done in different ways, especially if we happen to go with something more "EoH-like" or set in different verses, or even AUs, or with muses that may have known him around that time and etc. Speaking of AUs, I’d also like to explore some of my AUs (the vampire AU, mainly).    Another thing in my wishlist that probably comes as no surprise at all would be the chance to roleplay some jonawagon and/or some jonaeri+jonawagon. Like, yeah, it's true that Robert truly fell head over heels for that big bara guy the moment he kicked his face, but I'd really like to explore their relationship as a whole, to see some of the development they had in canon through all those months of peace that came after that horrid battle in Windknight’s Lot, to see them captivating each other and realize that "shit, this is not just some childish infatuation like i thought it was", that it's the real deal, something much deeper than anyone would’ve expected, to see them come to terms with this “obscene” relationship, to see them deal with and overcome the obstacles and issues that being gay in Victorian England carried, and see them go from friends to something else. To see them get intimate, but not only in a sexual/sensual way, but also like sharing all sorts of intimate moments together, opening themselves to each other. To explore all the good but also all the not-so-good in their relationship, to explore all those sad and bitter moments they spent together, healing together, trying to overcome their traumas together, from those they acquired together since that day the stone mask changed their lives to all the heavy baggage they have both been dragging along since their childhoods, and so on. All those aspects that aren't always explored or even talked about when it comes to the ship as a whole and see them have the long happy lives and the happy ending they deserved either as a couple or as a polycule (in the case of jonaeri+jonawagon).    In regards of relationships (and this includes romantic relationships with other characters/muses), I'd like to continue seeing Robert develop relationships and forming bonds of all kinds with other muses as well, especially with muses from part 1, since I've rarely ever had the chance to interact with many since I made this blog about 3 years ago. Some romance is always appreciated since Robert is a bit too much of a romantic fool when he's in lerv, but I'm always open to all sorts of bonds and relationships -platonic, romantic, familial, hateships, etc-.

   HONEST NOTE: I'm shy and a lot of times I find it a bit hard to socialize or i plain out don't know what to say (and language barriers sometimes get in the way, too), but I always try my best to keep a conversation going if I feel the other person is interested in it as well -else I’ll feel like I’m boring them to death and won’t say much more :’D-. It might take me a while to figure out what to say and build up the courage to talk to you first, but please never hesitate to reach out to me if you ever want to talk, even if it's just about our muses or about any plot ideas, headcanons, to share some plot bunnies and so on. Same if you ever want to send your muse our way! It doesn’t matter if we haven’t interacted before. Just like with every other reply from me tho, I tend to be slow (and forgetful, too), but I try to get to everything as soon as I can. That said, please never worry about taking your time to write a reply for me, be it ic or ooc. I understand and would never get mad at you for it.

   tagged by:  speeb sees, speeb steals >:jc ( stolen from @shabcn and @jojoingjoseph )    tagging:  I’ve seen this on the dash a few times today, so idk who’s done it already and who hasn’t so, if you see this and want to give it a shot, consider yourself tagged!

[clippingwings-a]

@noxencores​ said: {I know we mostly interact on your Pokemon multi-muse, but I still like seeing this blog of yours on the dash! You're really sweet and nothing but a presence on my dash and notifications. c: I really look forward to Piers & Allister's friendship, because they both deserve friends.}

What drew you to my blog initially, and what, so far, has made you stay? // Still Accepting!

ALLISTER & PIERS ARE GONNA BE BEST FRIENDS & THAT’S JUST FACTS! BUT!!! I appreciate you & I love hearing it! You’ve been super sweet to me & just seem so kind overall! I really enjoy seeing your Piers as well, even if I’m not always on my multi, I really love seeing your posts & liking them from afar! 

I def still have the rainy day starter in my drafts box as well, don’t worry I did get it ( altho some of my inbox has messed up again & I think it ate a couple of my other asks but idk from who *wheezes* ). I def will throw Syl at Piers as soon as possible! Personal goals have been getting one or two things out a week if not more, so they’re meme interaction will be coming! 👀

But thank you for your kindness!! & also checking in on me when I was feeling blue. I really appreciated it, I really appreciate & love seeing your blog & you on my dash. ;w;

[the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog]

Hey! For the sentence starters, can I request Misc. 11? If you want? I'm assuming you want a ship lmao so maybe Blush???? Idk do whatever lol, sorry this is really awkward lmao

A/N You’re not being annoying at all! Don’t worry this was really fun to write! I hope you enjoy it!

Genre: Fluff ig

Era: Modern

Ship: Blush - Blink x Mush

TW: None

Word Count: 1.2k

~

Mush was barely awake when his boyfriend, Blink, got up for work. With their cat Bella curled up asleep at the end of the bed, the fact that it was half 7 and Mush had a day off, he figured he would take full advantage.

Despite being mostly asleep, he was awake enough for it to register when Blink kissed his forehead and whispered, “Goodbye, love. Have a good day.”

The sound of the front door closing let him know that he was alone in the apartment. Well, apart from Bella.

He went back to sleep for a bit longer, then when he got too hot, he kicked the covers off and lay there in his pajama bottoms.

“Oof!” The air was knocked out of him when Bella jumped on his stomach and meowed in his face.

“Good morning to you too.” He groaned, feeling her claws digging into his skin.

Bella meowed again.

“You want food, don’t you?”

Meow

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He plucked Bella off his stomach and sat up. He swung his legs off the bed and got her food. He poured some into her food bowl and went back into the bedroom as she ate.

He grabbed one of his boyfriend’s hoodies from where it was in a crumpled heap at the end of the bed. He brushed some of the cat hair off and pulled it on. He couldn’t be bothered to zip it up.

He leant down, grabbed his laptop and a charger cable, then talked into the living room and sat down at the table.

He grabbed the remote and turned the TV on for some background noise. It came on to a shitty reality show, the one that Blink kept pretending he didn’t like.

He opened up Google Drive and started formatting the cue sheets for the latest production at the theatre he worked at. There was this new kid who tried to do it but messed up the formatting so Mush volunteered to do it on his day off. That, the props inventory and a few lighting sheets.

As he idled his way through the prop inventory, his eyes wandered over to the TV. The ad break had come on and an ad for window cleaner played.

He sighed, bored as hell and turning back to his laptop to do some more work, then the best thing happens.

The Cat Clothing Company proudly presents the new and improved Lion Onesie! Complete with mane, this onesie comes in three sizes! Order yours today at TheCatClothingCompany.com or you can find us on Amazon!

He gasped and looked down at Bella where she played with a length of orange wire. She chewed on the end as Mush says, “Oh my god! Bella! We have to get you one!! You’d look so adorable!” He put on a weird high-pitched voice and grinned.

He opened a new tab and goes onto Amazon. He typed ‘The Cat Clothing Company Lion Onesie’ into the search bar. It came up as the first item and he clicked on it.

“This is perfect!!” He said excitedly. He scrolled down and flicked through the pictures. He looked down at Bella, attempting to gauge what size she would be.

“I’m gonna go with medium.” He thought, clicking on ‘Medium’ and then on ‘One-Tap Buy’. 

Instead of sitting and waiting for the web page to load, he dashed to get his credit card. He punched in the numbers on his card and presses save.

His cursor hovered over buy for a few seconds, just debating whether or not it was a good idea...’I’ve spent money on worse things before...and besides, it’s a freaking cat onesie!! This is a great idea! I’m a genius I swear!’

He clicked buy and sat back in his chair, hands behind his head, sighing contentedly.

He marvelled at his work for a little while until he couldn’t ignore the rumbling in his stomach any longer.

“Oh shit, I haven’t eaten anything yet...” He jumped up and slid over to the kitchen on an old t-shirt that was on the floor for some reason. He made himself some food, grabbed and put it on a plate and slid back over to the table.

He put it down next to his laptop and resumed doing his work.

He finished it about 2 hours later and had the rest of the day to himself. Well, him and Bella.

He tidied up the apartment a bit, cleaned his plate and put it away. Then flopped down on the sofa and spent the rest of the day waiting for the package and surfing through Netflix, before settling down to watch as much of Stranger Things as he could. Blink kept telling his to watch it, but it never got his attention.

He had just finished Season 1, deciding that it had definitely caught his attention, and there was a knock at the door.

He answered it and it was a man holding a package. He was asked to sign for it and the man went on his way.

He felt the weight and when he realised what it was, he kissed the box!

“Oh thank god for one-day delivery!!”

Bella sensed something was up and ran out of the room.

20 minutes later and he’d managed to catch Bella and get the onesie and mane on her. He’d caught her in the bedroom, on their bed, and as soon as he got it on her, she ran out into the living room.

Mush scooted off the bed and fixed the covers when he heard the front door open and someone shout.

“Is the cat in a onesie?” The voice shouted, it was obviously Blink.

“Uh...no?” He shouted back. He heard a couple of meows and came into the living room, slightly hesitantly.

He entered the living to see Blink, bag on the floor, Bella in his arms. Mush got a sudden, unexpected and highly unwanted rush of anxiety.

‘Shit this was a bad idea. A very bad idea. He must think this is so freaking stupid. I’ve just wasted $10. Crap...’

“Oh my god! Bella’s so adorable in this!! She’s our little lioness!!” Blink said, breaking the silence and the mounting tension.

“Oh thank god!” Mush breathed a sigh of relief, a smile spreading across his face.

“What?”

“I’m just glad you don’t think it’s a waste of money!” He mumbled shyly.

“Hell no! I’m just surprised I didn’t think of it before!” Blink exclaimed, reassuring Mush that it was a good idea.

“I swear to god this is the best thing I’ve ever bought!” He proclaimed with new-found confidence.

“It most certainly is.” Blink said, still stroking Bella.

“Oooo gimme a sec!” Mush had got an idea. He ran over to the table and grabbed his phone.

Blink, getting the picture, lifted Bella up. Lion King style.

“These are amazing!” Blink said, as Mush flicked through the pictures in his gallery of Blink and Bella.

“I’m so posting these!” He uploaded them to the Instagram account that they’d made for Bella and they got likes and comments within 2 minutes:

RacetrackH69: OH MY GOD! @SpotC420 WE HAVE TO BABE!

SpotC420: That is pretty adorable. Good going Mushy and Blinker

Alboooot: Y’all are too much i stg

CuteAsAButton: OH MY GAH!!!! THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!! PLEASE CAN I COME OVER AND STEAL YOUR CAT!?!?!?!

DaveyJacobs: Why is your cat in a onesie?

~

A/N Wow...there you go! I hope you liked that! Please like and reblog, but most importantly...have an amazing day y’all!

[wueyahfantai]

Look, I want to start out by saying THANK YOU for your message about being so accepting of people's fantrolls. Creativity is not something that should be squashed or looked down on. However, I am also a veteran of the Fantroll community. I've had my fantrolls for 5+ years, and I have spent that entire time on the outside looking in. I get a few people interested in interacting with me, but... well, I have experienced a different side of the community, and it makes me kind of mad when people(1/4)

don't acknowledge that there's a certain amount of toxicity among the community. The bare fact is that there is a certain... elitism among the fantroll community that means only the people who have the best art of their fantrolls get the most interaction. I don't have very much art of my characters, I don't have the resources to commission it from anyone. As a result I have had people do everything from drop threads with me to outright block me JUST for trying to say hi and make new friends.

I have been fighting tooth and nail for years trying to get my foot in the door of this community, trying to get people to talk to me, trying t make friends, and I have had the door slammed in my face JUST because I don't have the best of art skills. I have retired from the Tumblr Fantroll Community. I'm tired of plotting with people and never having it amount to anything because they never reply to my starters or never text me back. I just wanted to say thank you for reminding me that there are still good people in this fandom that are in it for the fun of it, not the prestige of "the best art." 

Like, seriously? Because I don't have "Good" art of my fantrolls, I get flat out ignored by Troll judgings. My open rp's are NEVER replied to, I post memes and never get ANY mail. When I post that some of my trolls are on Pesterchum, I get no IM's. It's like I have to shout to get noticed and then only a handful of people actually notice. It's disheartening, and certainly not good for my social anxiety.

At the end of the day, I feel like people hate me, like I’m being too pushy. I don't like feeling that way. So, eventually, I just gave up. I know if anyone says anything they get hate, which is why I am saying this anonymously. There's a rift in the Fantroll community, and it hurts everyone to not acknowledge this.

The sad part is that this is true. I don’t know if I would say “elitism” but there has been a rather depressing trend that better art = more popularity. I’m sure for a fact if I didn’t have sprites I wouldn’t have as many people paying attention to me.

That’s not to say the artists don’t deserve the recognition! They do! I’ve seen some ASTOUNDING shit in the community! I would just like people to acknowledge other types of art. Most of my friends have better writing skills than art, and honestly I know people would rather LOOK at a situation rather than READ, but reading about something is so good?? You can tell so much heart and love was put into it. The fact you were turned away just because you didn’t have art to show is just sad. It really is. It’s one of the biggest problems in the community and I want it to end. No one understands how much this hurts others when art is mega preferred over writing.

The fact you tried your absolute hardest and even got blocked sometimes is just really wrong. IDK for all i know it could be for another reason but still, all you wanted was to put your foot in the door.I used to be one of those guys too. I’d go on someone’s blog and the moment I see The Nepeta Base or anything that was drawn from a base I was like “ew no.” It was one of the many mistakes I made being new to the community and I’m glad I grew out of it. 

It’s really heartbreaking to know it affected how you see yourself, too. People don’t realize that these are actual people behind these trolls. You aren’t talking to a brick wall, nor are you talking to a celebrity. You’re talking to a person who probably ate a tub of mac n cheese with ice cream on the side before they saw your open.

I hope the mentality of the community changes. There is so much more talent than art. RPing, plotting, judgements, asks... they’re all for fun, and it hurts to be excluded because you lack something people want.

You’re welcome, I’m glad I could light up your day a little.

[saivilo]

User @the-everlasting-dream posts a new fic after almost a year, I have a reason to live again 😭

Well, in fact, I've been a huge fan of this concept^ // Perfect cliche AU probably before I knew it even existed, because I've always been a fan of you, Elle ♡, so I'm going to say for starters !!!!!!!!!!! if you heard some weird inexplicable noise earlier today/yesterday, that was probably me screaming 🙈.

LOVED seeing this on my dash omg, loved to find out you wrote something again, loved being tagged (😭 seriously THANKS.) and was screaming because this was the best kind of surprise, it made my WEEK and miraculously cured my migraine, so THANKS again.

Some incoherent thoughts are everything I could muster up in my excited state of mind after seeing this so I hope they're coherent enough for you to understand my point lol:

Oh how I missed the messes Liz and Drake are in this story.

Some new characters came on the scene as well 👀 and I was here for it!

You put another cute "cliches" into this as new elements as well 👀👀 and of course I loved that.

Liz's idea to make cookies for her very handsome neighbor after a quite embarrassing encounter with him was just adorable and I liked how you were holding onto the motive afterwards. (Agree to disagree, Athena -- it was CUTE and it worked. Kinda. lol.)

(OK, I'd like to believe the cookies made Drake's b a d , awful day a little bit sweeter. Subconsious is a weird thing after all, and so I thought about this a bit, and chose to believe 👀👀👀 that Liz 1. maybe wanted to apologize to him 2. maybe she just mostly wanted to reduce her own feelings of embarrassement? 😶 3. maybeeee she subconsiously wanted Drake to remember her (?) 4. and maybe, maybe she wanted an excuse to stay in some kind of contact with him. and so in this sense, the cookies surely met their purpose. As annoying as it was to Drake only seemingly, he could act all jaded all he wanted about it, I didn't buy it.)

(I mean, he saw the cookies, he instantly thought of Liz. He ate the cookies and he liked them. He came by to return the cookies plate personally to Liz's apartment and would probably say YES if Liz listened to Athena's telephatic and asked him to go out to celebrate with her. Who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I just know your don't write anything by an accident so I'm kinda doing what I'm good at -- overthinking lol.)

(btw the spider drawing by Liz !!! that was such a cute detail I just had to mention it here, randomly & in the brackets at least.)

Liz got the job!!! I mean, of course she did! and I'm glad for her, but I'm also sensing her new boss is going to be a trouble...

I LOVE Athena. The aways straightforward girl, never afraid to speak her mind, very honest, really FUN, who's also an incredible and supportive friend to Liz. She and Damien and Nadia (hello, Damien and Nadia!) were an absolutely welcome addition.

...and Athena met Drake 😏. Her perception of him was spot on from the start lol. 'That's the guy' Liz hit and was coming to like very much. She also noticed his European sexy Cordonian accent and I'm looking forward to find out Drake's motivation to come to NY in this universe. (Did he come with Kiara or was there something more? hmm.)

Drake.

Drake, Drake, Drake.

If I didn't know anything about him, I'd be angry!

...But I do know him and about his struggles with the never-being-enough-feeling and believing he was upsetting people important to him without having any evidence of that. I felt him :-( no kidding.

Kiara wasn't very...nice to him with all his insecurities either. You know I don't ship them and you practically wrote WHY. They're just too very different - Kiara knew/said that too!! - it's hard to imagine a scenario in which they could work. (idk but Drake really would never be enough for a woman like Kiara. and he'd always feel like never-enough for her.) So, in a sense they both deserve better. I'm 'glad' they broke up but not glad like glad lol.

The whole scene was sad. And it surely didn't make Drake feel better about himself and his ability to maintain serious relationships. Or to be able to do something that everyone expected from him (>> thus his not-very-commendable instinct to get drunk instead of dealing with any unpleasant reality.)

(+ Ok. He kinda really did mess up, but if Kiara knew him, she would know better than to take him to a fashion show.)

LOVED the use of the canon lines btw. Always love seeing that in the AUs! It's a nice way of connecting the two worlds and a reminder of once clever, good, thought-through choices series 😭.

Speaking of which, your characterizations of the canon TRR characters were flawless. As usual ;-)

Anyway.

That's why, I believe, Drake was asking Kiara for another chance! At first. Not because he wanted to be with her - really - but because he needed to know he could...do that and be the important someone to someone else, a partner for a woman he still cared about.

idk.

they were always a messy pair in this AU, though.

I just know I liked you made them break up *now*, not only because it was fair to them both, but also because it opened some new possibilities for you 👀

For what was happening after that!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh, Drake.

What was he thinking? lol

Ok. I know he was drunk, so he probably wasn't thinking at all, but opening the wrong door? 😭

Looking on the bright side, now he and Liz will be even 😏

(will he also make cookies for her? I wonder what kind of picture he'd draw on his note 🙈)

ehm anyway.

I loved how you wrote the ending and added a bit of humor there!!!

It lightened the atmophere, it was funny, it was cute, if was cliche so this chapter - exactly as the previous ones - totally met its goal :-)

Last but not least!

I know I said it already, but again. Big THANK YOU for posting this...There's really no justice in this world when this fic doesn't have at least 50 notes already.......😒

But - I know it's a poor consolation 🙈 - I've missed your works so much and you and Drake and Liz and I'll always be here to ramble about them. And to look forward to anything you'll decide to post because you're a fabulous writer. Making this so engaging and fun and creative is just another proof of that.

Fourth (or 5th? 😬) but really last time -- thanks :-) ♡

Cookies - The Perfect Cliche Part 3

A/N: Wow okay its been a YEAR since I’ve touched this but better late than never right? Idk who’s interested still so I’ll tag a few people. 

Tags: @ooo-barff-ooo​  @saivilo​  @burnsoslow​ @client-327​ @i-miss-trr​ @gkittylove99​  @tinkie1973 

‘Bitch you did what??’ 

‘I know I know,’ Elizabeth mumbled around the spoonful of ice cream in her mouth, dragging a hand down her face. ‘It just happened I just reacted and… I didn’t mean to hit him in the face.’ 

‘Yeah no one means to hit their insanely hot neighbour in the face,’ her best friend replied sarcastically. ‘What did he say? He must have been pissed!’ 

Keep reading

[groundramon]

17, 30, 36!

17: Favorite singer?GHAHH I’m so bad at singers/bands, I basically only listen to the same thing for like a week straight and then never listen to it or the artist again BUT I have a very nostalgic connection to Sabrina Carpenter and her voice is nice so I guess her.  (I’m not mainstream trash but I’m lower than that, like I have no standards and whatever doesn’t hurt my ears is a-okay with me)

30: Meaning behind your urlTeam Capumon was actually an old story of mine!  Pokemon is such a big part of my life that it’s essentially a personality trait of mine at this point, but two subsets of Pokemon that I’ve always been huge into are PMD and the “beta” behind-the-scenes stuff.  Barring Porygon2 because I love Porygon2, Kurusu (the beta starter from the original demo of GS) is my favorite Pokemon and would easily beat out my current favorite first-stage starters and may even beat out my favorite starter line of all (Charmander’s) depending on its evolutions.  BUT Team Capumon went back further than that, to designs that were used before Pokemon was even known as “Pokemon” - back when it was called “Capsule Monsters”.  There’s more information on that here.  The characters were based on Original Nidorino (which fuck bulbapedia, he’s clearly a totodile line-inspiring design.  I refuse to believe that his color pallet isn’t blue with a yellow underside and red horns tbh) and Dragon4 from this bulbapedia page.  The characters were named Scales and Shard respectively.  I drew Scales a LOT as a kid, and my first drawing of him (or rather, what would become his character) was one of the first drawings I was truly proud of.  I could actually draw him pretty decently on a regular basis, although I unfortunately cant say that about him anymore xD I had a hard time drawing Shard though so I didnt draw him as often.  I actually have some art of Scales on my computer (no finished art of Shard though, unfortunately - or none that I can find anyways) so at the bottom of this post I’ll attach my most recently finished drawing of him!  It wont go under the answer for this question for some fuckin reason so I cant put it here :UBut anyways, Team Capumon was my main project back when I joined a site that was all too powerful in determining the direction of my life from that point on - Animal Jam.  I couldn’t think of a good username for my account, but then I thought of my story, and I used that name - because then I wouldn’t have to put a number after my user and SCREW NUMBERS (idk ive always had a weird thing about not using numbers in usernames unless its for a specific aesthetic).  Animal Jam launched my existence on the internet first onto Scratch and then onto DeviantArt (both caused by the same three people, who I’m still in contact with to this day!) so it just felt logical to use TeamCapumon for everything after Animal Jam, plus it had a nice ring to it that I really liked.  (Fun fact: those same three people who convinced me to get a Scratch and then dA are the same three people who gave me my nickname “Stormy”!) Another two fun facts about Scales in particular: 1. I have a plushie of him, made by myself!  Unfortunately it’s falling apart, but oh well xD I also made a plushie of Kurusu very recently (who, ironically enough, I’m planning to make into a PMD character from my CURRENT PMD project, a group on dA.  We allow [certain] beta Pokemon there because I’m biased.)  The Pioneers Guild in said PMD group is also founded by a Feraligator and a Charizard possibly named after and loosely based on Scales and Shard!  And 2. Speaking of characters based on Scales, Scales has a character/evolution line inspired by his design in Oneiromon!  Scalesdramon from Oneiromon, Mich’s adult form, is based on Scales.

36: Favorite food?OH FUCK THIS IS HARD vvvv man my dad’s french toast is the bomb, but I cant say french toast is one of my favorite foods or even very high up my list because most people would say my dad makes french toast wrong bUT ITS ALL OF YOU WHO MAKE IT WRONG.  THE WORLD IS WRONG AND MY FAMILY (except my mom bc she likes regular french toast better) IS RIGHT, SCREW YOU.  But basically to get an idea of what I mean, my dad’s french toast is less sweet with syrup on it.  You eat it plain, and putting syrup on it is a disgrace (//glares at my mom)But idk if thats ABSOLUTELY my favorite and my favorite probably just depends on the day.  Other things I really like include popcorn shrimp, blackberry frozen yogurt, pirate’s booty, and probably brown sugar cinnamon poptarts but i havent had those in years bc i ate them too much as a kid.  Like they became such a staple of my life that I cant call them my favorite anymore.  Also fruitloops are like the thing I eat literally every single day (unless we’re out or i randomly decide to eat lucky charms instead - heaven forbid the day we’re out of both bc ill just starve for breakfast i guess) but they’re far from my favorite.

Picture of Scales:

This picture is fairly recent btw, I was NOT drawing that well when I was 12 xD this drawing is from mid 2016, so I was 15 at the time.  Also this was traditionally drawn with pastels!  Idk where my pastels went but I really enjoyed pastels and how they made my art look, so I should go looking for them again…(then again lately my hands have been really dry and i can hardly sketch let alone use pastels bc sensory overload and I hate how paper feels against anything dry, OTL)

[motherboxing]

my fiacee doesn't know who H*go Sch***zer is. Can you give a brief overview about this internet disaster?

urghhhh So H*go Schw*z*r was, back in like… idk, I feel like I started becoming vaguely aware of him around 2010-ish? I don’t know how long he was around in online feminist blogging circles before he started to become fairly prominent in those circles but it seemed fast to me at the time. He was for a while kind of the go-to guy for a White Dude Ally’s Perspective On Lady Problems Back When We Were All Calling Feminism “Lady Problems” Because Of The Brief Relevancy Of S*dy D*yle (who is probably a topic for another post about the sordid history and bullshit nature of the Professional Feminist Blogosphere). He wrote guest posts and did interviews for a number of feminist blogging sites (idk all of them but I think Feministing was one, as well as Feministe, and he was featured a few times on Jezebel and xoJane, etc) and he founded a website called the Good Men Project for ~feminist ally men~ to talk about how hard it is when we are not about me or whatever.

Early on there were problems with the way he conducted himself online. Numerous women of colour and specifically black women raised issues with how he talked about race, and when they did they often found themselves being harassed and bullied by white feminists in positions of relative social power within those scenes. This guy also often talked about his students - he made a big deal about how he taught womens studies at a university, although it later was revealed that he had no academic background in womens studies AT ALL, he was a history professor who basically taught a couple of classes on the subject of gender because the college he worked for didn’t have a proper womens studies department at the time - in ways that were patronizing, racist, sexist, and otherwise just troubling. (I can’t find it but I remember one where he talked about Latinx students of his and how “hot blooded” and sexually driven they were, which made the men sexist and the women vulnerable - stuff like that.) His writing and public speaking and etc all seemed like they were geared more towards establishing a cult of personality than anything else (ads with giant pictures of his face, his name everywhere, much more prominent than the actual subjects he was supposedly addressing, etc.) 

As he gained prominence he started writing more about his personal history with his girlfriends and ex-girlfriends, often going into humiliating details about their own sexual histories, their bodies, etc - there was an infamous article he wrote about pulling a tampon out of his ex-wife’s vagina, for example. He alluded to and explicitly talked about his “bad boy” past, implying or stating that he USED to do very bad things like sleep with young students of his, take advantage of women in vulnerable emotional states, etc, but that all of that was past him now because feminism had shown him the light.

A LOT of white, cis, upper/middle-class women with online presences that centered around a particular kind of reductive liberal feminist ideology REALLY ate that shit up. As I’ve mentioned, when he was criticized, they would close ranks around him. I think he served a few different purposes - for starters, he was privately sowing division and isolating women of colour by basically picking up on existing tensions between white women and some women of colour who were writing in the same circles, and going to those white women and being like, “you’re right, she’s crazy, you shouldn’t have to listen to her”. He was very good at manipulation, and he was good at picking up on who had how much social capital in any given situation. He would identify ringleaders of certain online circles and cliques, and present himself to them as a pilgrim seeking absolution from benevolent, ideologically pure (white) women. It flattered them and affirmed the sense of ideological superiority that a lot of them ultimately secretly (or not so secretly) harbored. 

But eventually he started crossing the line publicly, in ways that exposed his ongoing private behavior. There’s the infamous piece he wrote about the time he tried to murder his ex-girlfriend after she was sexually assaulted, because he thought she’d been ruined by the assault - that was kind of the snowflake that triggered a massive avalanche of backlash against him, which ultimately led to people realizing that he was STILL sleeping with his students, and taking advantage of and manipulating many other women in many other ways. He was forced out of most online feminist circles, but not before a long, bitter series of debates between people who had always been critical of him and people who felt guilty about having defended him for so long (or were just unrepentant about it, as some were!)

Every now and then he pops up with some new public face. A couple years ago now he re-debuted on Twitter and me and a couple buds got into it with him, which was an intensely unpleasant experience. Today he’s publishing a lot over on Medium, including articles that graphically describe the sex he had with students who were upwards of 20 years younger than him at the time, and who he was actively lying to through their whole relationships. I’m not linking to any of this for obvious reasons - I don’t want to give him the traffic, it’s exploitative shchlock written by a guy who wants to profit financially off of his own sexual abuse of women - but it’s easy enough to google all of this and find it if you’re really curious.

Anyway tl;dr he’s a garden-variety abuser and rapist who learned some feminist jargon and briefly became a media darling and poster boy for Feminist Men, before it was revealed that he’s a serial sexual predator and attempted murderer. 

[blurredbylies-blog]

{What the heckie... Tumblr is messing up with me.. Sometimes I make a post it eats it or something... This is frustrating..}

[chasing-rabbits]

I think this is very very true. Also If I can I’d also like to speak from the other side of the coin.  I am not trying to derail your post or your points as they are all very very important and valid. I am not here to say what is worse or not. I would like to speak from my personal experiences too. As a child I was underweight from my very first weight check after being born up until maybe 3 years ago I was always either underweight or bordering the lines between healthy and classed as underweight. Now there were many reasons for this. First of all I was not diagnosed until recently with a milk protein allergy that I have had from birth. Alongside a meat intolerance. This physically made it hard for me to eat food. I would throw up a lot when we ate out probably because when you eat out you get dessert or you indulge in foods that typically have lots of dairy in. I mean who didn’t love the ice cream machine at pizza hut or the big sharing ice cream sundaes you know?  Also portions typically tended to be larger than at home. At home my mum when I was young young she did home cooked meals she didnt do separate meals for us and them. It was smaller portions we ate a lot of pasta it was my favourite. My ideal dessert used to be a bag of grapes where i’d peel the skin and eat that first. I was odd lol or it’d be cherries or oranges. Sometimes I’d have chocolate. I mean I didn’t even like chips growing up I remember when we’d go out to the typical pub grubs for family’s I didn’t really want the chips. When we used to go to Pizza hut for meals I almost never ordered a pizza I got the salad bar and a starter usually the potato wedges starter and occasionally chicken wings or something else. By all means I was a well looked after child who was given a varied and balanced diet including being allowed soda, crisps and chocolate bars.  I also have the issue that I look skinnier than I am as it is. My weight tends to go to places that are less obvious. People haven’t believed me when I went shopping with friends one time I picked up and said what size I was and again the no youre not you gotta be ‘x’ and i wasn’t I didnt get my weight distributed on my tummy or my arms or anywhere truly noticeable. It was my thighs my butt and i had slightly chubby cheeks for an underweight kid i didnt have the typical severely gaunt look someone might have for my weight and height i also had love handles that were hidden well they werent in the typical place they were just off and to the back a bit so it wasn’t noticed i didnt have it where when you wear jeans you’d see it spilling over the top.  I heavily got bullied I had people try to ‘intervene’ as friends or always question what I ate and how much I ate and why I hadn’t finished my food. I had a girl who I remember staring at me and then asking why I hadn’t eaten much and then I told her I felt sick and she just remarked  you said that yesterday and you always say that irony is I did feel sick it was a stupid dairy filled curry for lunch that day. I remember at a mutual friends birthday she stared at me and whispered to the guy next to her because i could barely make it two mouthfuls into the lasagne before i went to the toilet heaving feeling sick. My allergy got worse over time I guess the intolerance I’d built up previous wasn’t so great when I hit mid to late teens. I remember even my own parents being scared I was anorexic and my dad threatening to take me to the doctors to put me on some pills that are meant to make you hungrier or some shit idk I know around my age  my mum had similar issues struggling to eat no eating disorder she also just felt to sick to eat and stuff she never found out why actually idk probably cos shes got food intolerances too.  I remember being so self conscious about my weight that at 16 because of the comments and references to me having the body of a boy and girls intervening like its their business. I remember I started counting calories i took note that when i had my rowing training I always ended up losing weight the week it was combined with PE which was only fortnightly it seemed that extra bit of exercise pushed me over the edge to lose weight so I tried to up my calories I stuffed my face so much even when i felt sick i tried to eat more because meat bloated me out made me feel sick and nauseous i tried to push through the horrible bloating and pain to put on weight. I mean I put on a bit..I got to almost 9 stone then I got really sick I got a virus and bug at the same time I was off school for months i dropped down to 6 and a half stone. Since that point I couldnt seem to put the weight back on..And i was getting sicker with foods and I had seen multiple GPs who kept just giving me different things and explanations none of which worked.  Then I started obsessing over calories in a different way...then when I got depression/bipolar I went from thinking about trying to gain weight to wanting to restrict my calories suddenly I saw myself and didnt see this disgustingly skinny body like I used to see and hate. I remember one day being so mad at my dad trying to get me to eat and forcing me too i just thought if everyones so hell bent on calling me anorexic then fine I’ll become one..or something like that now obviously you cant become and choose to be anorexic. And I in fact before that point had already been restricting calories I was also in denial it was anorexia or any ED. Tbh I am not entirely sure it ever was I think it was a form of self harm as I am an ex self harmer in other ways too. And through out the years from age 18 to now (25) I have had on and off issues with food. When I got put on olanzapine for my Bipolar previous to that I was on aripripazole and i got really manic and combined with not really wanting to eat i almost thought i didnt need to and i didnt have the pain of hunger when i didnt eat so i thoguht well okay.i guess i dont need food and it was part mania talking and part the me that wanted control etc i got down to almost 7 stone..then i doubled my weight in 6 months and hit 14 stone.  Then I tried diets to lose weight i even tried keto whilst eating meat because i knew if i ate meat it would physically hurt and prevent me from eating i did this for a week before the guilt hit me that i was using and abusing animals to lose weight still to this day it haunts me that i went back on my morals as a vegan because i lost it and was that desparate to lose weight. it was I guess my version of the typical laxative taking because one lax’s are dangerous and two i knew that eating meat would make me sick but not cause permanent damage physically at least. I feel guilty like i am not a real vegan cos of this. I even lost a vegan friend who has an eating disorder when i confided cos i thoguht she’d get it but she said she’d sooner die from her ED and blocked me and refuses to talk to me because I guess my whatever it is ‘ED’ or lack of control or need for control and self harming behaviours led me to do this. Since then I’ve been trying to not emotionally eat I went through a year of just binge eating my emotions away. BUt last novemeber I got like really really sick..and it was like a reset button it meant i couldnt like binge eat because i physically couldnt keep food down..and i feel myself lately going back to bigning because im having 2 week long periods and erratic periods and its now making me want chocoalte and carbs all the time because i guess my bodies being drained of energy. I guess what I am trying to say in such a LONG winded response is...we also need to remember trying to ‘help’ a skinny girl out by assuming all girls who are thin have anorexia or that we need to be forced to eat or monitored can actually have the opposite effects. Before any of this I didnt really have any thoughts on my body I wasnt like i was probably sheltered and naive and wasnt exactly like idk i hadnt been influenced by models or celebs or anything...i didnt even get my faceboook account til i was like older ish and..i wasnt really active a whole lot online aside from talkng to school friends on MSN and playing PC games you know?  Idk I was lucky I guess that I remained sheltered from celeb news and online chat rooms and more until i hit like late teens. But..it shows that not every ED or disordered eating behaviours is down to media and models and fashion its purely down to those we know in our lives and how they can socially influence us and that is something that is very hard to monitor and protect children against unless they come to you and tell you about it. I think we need to make sure that in promoting body positivity for plus size people or cute chubby bunnies as people refer to themselves as that we dont prop ourselves up by putting down skinny girls. Its irony because as a fat person I havent recieved stares when I order junk food I havent receieved judgement or looks or comments when I was at work and overweight at a local restaurant/bar as a waitress. I didnt really receive any negativity about my size online or offline I think i received a few hate mails online you know.  but weirdly when I was skinny and online I recieved a lot of hate like go eat a vegan cupcake skinny bitch or how they wanna shove a juciy fat burger down my throat 1. cos i was vegan and 2. because i was too skinny. and then obviously all the comments in real life too...you know i remember being out with a group of girls who i was friends with we used to go to mcdonalds every so often between lectures as one drived two of them were quite overweight one was average sized and i was still at that time very skinny. I remember one day I just ordered a smoothie..nothing else back then I honestly wasnt a fan of the old veggie burgers they had i was just vegetarian at university didnt go vegan til final year. Idk their veggie burgers were spicy and not nice. Point is that day i didnt feel like having fries and i didnt like their veggie burgers all that much. I got a smoothie and the larger girl she had ordered like two ‘meals’ i guess i think one was a meal and one was just the item on its own no fries and she had dessert too. Idk which I just remember it reasonably clearly because I remember feeling so i just remember feeling so self conscious and nervous and shit about myself like I was the one being judged she just commented at me because i only got this smoothie i got this feeling of just..it was not nice..like so i understand how it must feel to be the only larger girl in a group being asked about the food you order or choose to eat. But I do feel as though no one acknowledges this happens to women on either ends of the spectrum skinny or overweight..and i dont feel the attack on slim women or this idea that larger people proprogate that when youre skinnny you get anything you want you can wrap men around your fingers and you get treated better because its sucha  delusional idea that probably increases the fad dieting and increases risks of eating disorders amongst those who are larger because they have this idea that once they are skinny they will get everything i actually had someone on tumblr tell me that because i was skinny i was getting everything and they hated me because they said i had atttractive privilege and they didnt and that eveyrthing in their life went wrong and bad because they were deemed as ugly by society and i some how wasnt bearing in mind i had legs full of scars back then not fully healed obviously self harm related incidents and i was being bullied by one housemate who decided she hated me and another girl living with her because we were skinny..pretty much...she belittled me and put me down every single day because i didnt wear make up because i was a virgin and more. I think the bigger issue here is the infighting between girls the competition we put on ourselves at a young age this need to catfight the way we settle arguments is to go for the jugular with looks and so on harassment and such not fist fights typically note i say typically. Idk this is a long ass post. But yeah..i think you make really valid points and im sure your girl is going to grow up pretty no matter what and loving herself because shes got an awesome mum <3

Creating Healthy Habits & Body Positivity

As I go through my health journey I have come to realize that I dislike the word diet and it’s meaning. Growing up as a big girl I was always placed on diets or given diet pills growing up in hopes that would help with my weight. Instead of teaching me healthy habits and guiding me to have a healthy relationship with food, I was always given the newest diet pill or put on the latest diet. This is temporary and once you stop your diet there’s a chance you may gain your weight back. I know I have been there and done that many times. It still happens to me even as I build my relationship with food. You need to change your lifestyle and create healthy habits. You need to set yourself up for success and not restrict yourself so much. The moment you restrict yourself it can cause a downhill slide.

I’m 28 years old and barley gathering all the information to have a healthy relationship with food. As I am doing this I think of my 6 year old daughter and how I want her to have a healthy relationship with food and her body. Instead of saying we need to lose weight we say that we want to be healthy and stronger than what we are. When she asks for candy or junk food I do my best to offer a piece of fruit or her favorite veggie. But I do allow her to have the candy or junk food every so often because it’s about moderation. I’m not going to restrict my child’s choice to the point it can become unhealthy.

I do my best to not speak bad about my appearance in front of her to set an example. I tell her almost everyday that not only is she beautiful but her body is strong and amazing just the way it is. I have been telling her that since she was a baby and she does the same for me. She will randomly walk up to me and tell me I’m beautiful or say she likes my strong legs or ask me to flex and tell me I’m strong. Building that body image up is important.

This world will tear you limb from limb if you aren’t cookie cutter image of what they think you should be. I want her to know she is better than that cookie cutter because she’s unique. I will do my best to set good healthy habits with food and show her how fun exercising can be. And when and if I get to have a boy I’ll do the same for him. Body image is an issue for men and women but hopefully we can make it better with some body positivity.

[azntoastyz]

High School: the good

I have to really evaluate this because the bad really out shined the good in my perspective for the past 7 years. I’m pretty sure there were a lot of good moments, so I guess i’ll just generally sum them up? MAYBE BAHA

Freshman year: There was a basketball and volleyball league/camp before school started, so I got to know some of the people in my future class. They were really nice at first, but they always are right? I had fun chilling and taking weird ass photos with them on my go phone. Because of this, I really had fun during the first few months of school because I already knew most of the people anyway. I hung out with them during practices and games, which took up most of my time.

I had so much fun during volleyball season. Everyone got along, and I was a starter. I played a lot, and I loved it. One moment that made me really happy/accepted is when the entire bus (filled with varsity, junior, sophomore and freshman teams) sang happy birthday to me in unison (I believe it was because some friends, more like classmates, from my grade school knew it was my birthday and told the varsity team to sing it because they were in varsity). I was always shy about my birthday. I don’t really celebrate it big even now.

Same thing happened with basketball. Chilled with them and just had fun. Some people got moved up, and I just stopped talking to them. I honestly did basketball just to hang out with people. I was never serious.

Although, some of them were in my classes, I began to not sit with them, but with some other people because I started to show their true colors. We just didn’t start to blend with each other. These people that I started to befriend, didn’t play volleyball or basketball during the summer, but they were so funny and chill as fuck. My favorite class was history because my teacher was so cool, and we’d just chill in our little corner and draw shit and play games and bring random shit to class. I guess this is the moment when the people who I thought were my friends stopped being companions. We just didn’t click anymore (or they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore).

I did track in the spring, and I got to mingle with people outside of my grade. Although, they weren’t lasting relationships outside of track, it was an experience. I also was probably the fittest I’ve ever been because our new track coach was fucking hard on us like damn.

Honestly, there were just times with that history class people that was enjoyable. I hung out with them in library, after school and before school. I also hung out with my friends from grade school (There were 3 of them, but one was with st. eds with me)

Sophomore year: Basketball and Volleyball was pretty much the same until those moments happened mentioned in my previous post (High school: the bad). I joined softball though, and it was fun except for the bitchy oompah loopah. I still had the same friend group with some moar (the artsy kids). It was fun. I wish I did art lol. I also took guitar class. I always wanted to learn, and I did. It was fairly easy because of my piano experiences. I made friends with people who I didn’t really talk to before, like in the freshman class (we practiced together for basketball). I just know we had good times. I became really close with this one girl, and I thought we were 2 peas in a pod (we literally sat next to each other at every event: church, rally, etc) because we always hung out together. I do remember the heated floors on the sophomore religious trip (idk what to call it). This is when I started talking to this other girl (I became her partner in volleyball though. We went to the same college after high school and I thought we were gonna be those “friends for life” but something happened where we stopped hanging out because I always hung out with Fia or my boyfriend and we got into an argument. Ryan thought she was never good to begin with. She did change tho. so did i).

Junior year: This year, I stopped playing sports for good. I didn’t do any activities after school. I did hang out for a bit after school. I don’t think I had my license yet. I started noticing my grade school friends talking to me less and less. I took harder classes, and I was very unmotivated. I would come in very happy in the mornings trying to cheer people in my first class up (english). It worked some times, but sometimes they were like, “why are you so happy all the time?” Well, it’s the only time I could be honestly. If you try to make yourself happy, won’t it?

We had a retreat for 1 night. I hated it because I’m picky with furniture/floors. I hate dirty carpet or worn out furniture/squishy and stained furniture. I remember hiking in the woods with my friends. I remember this particular photo. We took a lot of photos, chilled on the same bed and just talked. No ‘retreat high.’ just one chill ass retreat.

We went on march for life. First time out of state without my parents. It was fun, until I got sick the night we left. The roof in the bus had a crack and the cold and snow came through just for me. Turns out my wisdom tooth was infected. I had to get it removed once I came home. It was fun, but it was very weird because I felt sick most of the time. I lost 5-7 lbs on that trip because I could barely eat.

Senior year:

Just the same old same old. Going to football games, basketball games with the same people. Hanging out with the same people. Just really chill. Something to do and fulfilling my relationship with others thirst. End of junior year and start of senior year was probably my best year. I found out who to hang out with, and my bullies were gone/ stopped doing what they were doing. I was having fun being who I thought I was.

March for life No.2. I didn’t hang around the people who I hung around with the first march for life. It was just me and my volleyball friend. We were secluded from the others. It was really fun because we got to know each other. My peas in pods friends also went, but there was tension because I did hang out with the volleyball friend.

   -My pea in pod friend was dating this guy since freshman year. They broke up during the summer and he started dating my volleyball friend. It was fine at first in the beginning of the semester, but I guess it all went bad. It made it seem like I chose her. I didn’t. I just like being friends with the people I like. Do I have to choose I side? Is that being wishy washy? Ya probs.-

My volleyball friend and I were roomed with this beautiful girl (selena gomez look a like) and this other chick who was AWESOME AF. I was intimidated by them because they were really cool, but I think I opened a bit to them. We laughed a lot in our room together. I remember we dressed up nice, while everyone else just decided to dress up comfortably, and we got criticized for it).

My two peas in a pod friend also stopped talking with me. Same thing with this other guy, whom I did have a little crush on, and the other filipino.

   -The thing is, the other filipino, (NOT THE OTHER ONE WHO WAS CREEPY AF) and his girlfriend broke up junior to senior summer. When we all hung out, we sat next to each other and just did things as friends. We took a photo together, and one person yelled out, “You guys should date. You look cute together.” Pls. why ruin a good friendship. Turns out later that year, he asked my volleyball friend person if I liked him (she obvi told me). I got weirded out and stopped talking to him. I think that’s why my peas in pods friends stopped talking to me because I really did a bitchy move. I didn’t know what to do to be honest.-

I think that’s why they stopped talking to me regularly and because of what happened with photoshop class (discussed in High school: the bad post) and the ex thing.

The kairos retreat is another thing, and I shouldn’t talk about it, but whatever. Everyone gets a high when they go. I didn’t. I never really opened up because I didn’t know what to say. Everyone else’s experiences were traumatic or grown up compared to mine. I was in an okay place, I guess. What was I supposed to say? I was bullied from grade 1 to 4 and then again from freshman year to sophomore year? No. I did love the letters I got from my family. (I revisited those letters. Kept the ones from my family and shredded the ones from my classmates who didn’t mean anything to me. Their letters were so superficial like “You’re so nice to everyone.” Nothing personal. I’m glad you wrote, but pls I know you guys never talked to me). Those really got to me, and I tried treating my family better.

As I started to accept the fact that my original friends from the past years moved on from me, prom started to creep up. I was going to go by myself. I didn’t go to junior prom, so I thought, “I need to go to senior prom because it’s my last year.”

Spring break is when my life got better. I met my current boyfriend through my cousin. It was a blind match up, but it worked. I don’t know how, but I started talking with my 2 peas in pod friend again. I remember eating out with her and her ex (they got back together at the time) with her friends from grade school. I remember going to sushi station and chicago with them. I remember taking prom photos with them. Every weekend of my remaining senior year, I spent hanging out with him. My volleyball friend was supposed to take photos with us, but she didn’t come. She did go to prom though. It was really fun. My focus was with Ryan. She got frustrated because I didn’t spend time with her and her bf (who was her ex’s best friend. I don’t really know how awkward it was). We danced a lot and ate a lot of bread. I just feel like really better lol. Graduation came, and I was quite happy to leave. I did. That summer, I hung out with a lot of people: graduation parties of grade school friends and my friends I made in high school. As I started college, they all disappeared from my life.

END OF MEMORIESSSSS

Generally, that’s the good. Probably more than the bad. The bad just imprinted on me real hard that I forgot the good. To be honest, the events may be out of order. There are a lot of gaps in my memories because bruh it’s been 5 to 9 years since all that happened. fuck im old.

So. Summers are a different thing, but I basically hung out with people LOL. One summer, I wanted to keep to myself and I did. I got really sad because I missed my family in the AZ. I did have people to talk to in classes, and it was fun. I didn’t really hang out with them out of school. They were really nice people. I have them on facebook and dude. Four are married, two are pregnant, and three lost a ton of weight.

I tried rekindling friendships, but to no avail. They just don’t want to put effort. I understand, and I’ll stop pushing. I’ll move on. If they want to reach out to me and have a reunion, yes i’ll be salty because bitch I asked a long time ago, but I”ll get over it and go because sometimes you have to let your pride go to let relationships grow.