#it isnt fully finished yet. i have a few more things i wanna do. but ill see how it goes for now.

[anemicjellyfish]

Updates to the altar!

A ragtag assortment of things assembled in a way I think Stolas might like.

I didn't have a nice tablecloth or table runner, but I had one of those light swimsuit cover things that keep the sun off the skin. It doesn't suit me very well, but I've kept it for years because it's such a beautiful color. I think it makes a nice cloth, personally.

The candles in the back are from a Halloween clearance sale, as is the plate in the middle. I forgot to add the plant until last. Yes, it's plastic, BUT I think Stolas would appreciate it if I decorated with a plant that I literally cannot kill.

The candles up front are just scents from Bath and Body Works that I've had forever. Idk if they're the right fit for Stolas, but I figured I'd try?

The little broom is apple scented. The crystal is labeled amethyst, but came from a retail store, so who knows...

The little owl is a trinket I forgot I had. It must be from 2012, when owl accessories were all the rage. I found it while searching for the amethyst and couldn't believe my luck. I figure Stolas was already guiding me to pick out things he wants.

And the stars are from when I got a Taylor Swift CD. I don't listen to her music much anymore, but I've always loved stars. Did I intentionally place 13 of them? You'll think I'm lying when I say no. But I wasn't counting. I was busy sneezing and blowing my nose because my allergies are acting up.

[crossovereddie]

Actually, here is an alternative thing for you to occupy your time with, and a question I have been meaning to ask you for a while. I have finished 911 finally! So I'm ready for the new season. And I wonder, realistically, what do you think the roadmap would be for a buddie endgame?

I absolutely see how their story has been framed and filmed in a lot of parallels to how a romantic storyline would be set out. But there has been no outright mention of either of them being bi - although the conversation about Maddy setting Buck up with whassisface was very casual and could very easily have been an example of canonically bi Buck - and they are both at the end of season 4 in 'relationships' with women.

So, in your estimation, what's the timeline? What's the transition? How do they go about this and how long does it take? I wanna know your thoughts 👀

okay yes i have lots of thoughts on this and it's actually one of my fave questions i get asked. I've always watched a lot of tv shows so I'm just estimating on what I've seen before and what I would personally do. IMO this love story is a slow burn. We only have four seasons so far and only three of those seasons have Eddie in them. This unsurprisingly got long so ill put it under the cut.

So I'll go by seasons bc to me its important to look at everything that has happened so far by seasons and by love interests and not as a whole. Its the best way i can form a timeline that I think would make the most sense and why

S1: So we don't get any hints at Buck being anything other than straight and I think this is because he was supposed to be. They hadn't planned for Eddie yet and they definitely hadn't planned for the chemistry Oliver and Ryan were gonna have. S1 Buck was this reckless kid who didn't take anything serious. He was definitely super immature. Then he meets Abby and he starts to get serious about his job and his love life. I'm not gonna say "Abby changed him" because she didnt. He saw the person he was and the person he was becoming and decided on that change himself.

S2: Eddie!!!! So we get introduced to this army medic turned firefighter in the least heterosexual way. Then Buck is angry because Eddie is hot and really good at his job. they work together and Eddie compliments Buck and now they're smiley bffs. Seriously wtf was all that? Anyway this is all sus bc from what ive seen before in other shows when a main love interest leaves and a new main character replaces them, that means something. JLH replaced Connie Britton as far as big name actress but i really believe Eddie replaced Abby as far as importance in Buck's life. Do i think they brought him in with the intentions of turning him into a LI? No but they sure fueled the narrative from the get go. I think they saw fans reactions and started testing the waters.

Moving on to LIs in this season. We find out Eddie has a kid and the mother is not in the picture (eddie made sure buck knew that right away). Then later on we find out he's technically still married. shannon comes back and we get Eddie finally getting to confront this head on. He tries to get his family back together for the sake of his son. Its big for Eddie's character bc all he does and all he's ever done is for his son. Then Shannon asks for a divorce then she dies bringing this arc to an abrupt end and leaving eddie heartbroken.

meanwhile Buck is still waiting for Abby. Then he finally accepts that shes not coming back and decides to move on. He goes right back to being "Buck 1.0" with Taylor and feels bad about himself because that really isnt him anymore. He wants a real relationship. So then Ali calls and asks him on an actual date and he agrees. This is his first try at a relationship after a heartbreak. in tv these don't usually work out but are used to develop the main character's growth. We don't really see much of her but she breaks up with him so.

S3: This is Eddie finally dealing with his feelings/guilt season. This is also the season I think we really see how important Buck is to the Diaz boys. S2 had cute buckley-diaz family moments but those could still be interpreted as a best friend and his best friend's kid. This season though... after the tsunamic episode was when i really started to fully believe buddie was going canon. This season is solidifying their bond not only as Buck and Eddie but as Buck Eddie and Christpher. As I'm writing this I realized neither of them really has a love interest in this season do they? Ana is introduced but then is clearly presented as definitely NOT the right choice for eddie and especially for Chris. Then they counter that with Buck helping Eddie build a skateboard for Chris that he can use as opposed to Ana's ablest remarks about how he can't do it so just move on to something else. Then we get Buck's reaction in Eddie Begins. Buck has seen his team his friends his family get hurt on the job before but he has never reacted the way he did when it was Eddie in danger. Again solidifying just how much these two mean to each other. Don't even get me started on this season being when Eddie changes his will offscreen. Anyway we get Abby back and Buck finally gets the closure from that relationship that he needs to move forward into a serious relationship.

Now S4: jfc s4....IMO this is the only logical season to get the ball rolling on Buddie and they sure did that with 4x14 despite everything else. So i never thought they would be the first serious relationship for each other after the heart break theyve both experienced. It wouldn't be fair to their character developments. Buck tries dating Veronica and that clearly doesnt work but we know hes now open to dating again. We get Buck Begins where we see why Buck is the dare devil he is. The only way he got his parents attention as a kid was to put himself in danger. They bring back taylor and how to they ultimately get together after she friendzones him? She thinks hes in danger and suddenly wants him. As much as i hate it this is really gonna be a relationship where Buck finally stands up for himself and sees his own worth and realizes he deserves more. He deserves someone who sees him and loves him for who he is. He deserves to be chosen, something Abby Ali his parents dont do and what i think taylor wont end up doing. I feel like shes gonna choose her career over him. Maybe not in a "I'm breaking up with you" way but maybe she takes a new job and want to do LD (hes tried that twice and it didnt work for him. hes not gonna want that) or she could ask him to go with her but he wont. His family is in LA. His job is in LA. Eddie and Chris are in LA and he won't leave them. Then we have Eddie finally deciding to move on and try dating again so they bring back ana. To me it's not gonna work out so I'm not bothered at all lmao. It's interesting that they'd choose her though. Someone we already know Eddie doesn't trust with his son. There's also more buckley-diaz family scenes of them being coparents. The hildy episode, Chris running to Buck when hes mad at eddie, Buck being the one to tell Chris Eddie got hurt, then Buck staying with Chris and taking on the guardian role without him even knowing just how much that role really does belong to him. He didn't do it out of obligation. He didn't do it because he was asked to. He did it because he thought it would be best for Chris. Finally to 4x14. This is by far the biggest "Oh shit this is it. This is the beginning of buddie". We find out Eddie changed his will a year ago and has just been sitting on this info. I think Eddie knew back then what it meant but he wasn't in the right mindset to accept what it means so he kept it to himself. I think he finally started allowing himself to go there during treasure hunt. The man was jealous yall. Carla coming back and her comment about doing whats best for him and not chris is his oh shit moment. I think he wouldve broken up with Ana a few days after that if he had the time lol. He gets caught up in the mother/son sl then this poor mf gets shot by a sniper. The way that whole scene was filmed btw was not in a bff way. That was a lover watching his beloved almost die in front of him. Buck again puts himself down and Eddie decides this is the moment. He needs Buck to see how important he is. He wants buck to know how loved he is. So he sits there talking himself up to it and finally lets Buck know just how big of a part he is in Eddie's family. Buck's previous scene is him saying he wants someone who wants him back then here is Eddie saying he needs him...Chris needs him. wtf.

So with S5: I think Eddie knows and Buck has a feeling but he's not sure so what i would do is spend s5 with Eddie basically showing Buck his feelings but not exactly getting in the way of Buck's new relationship because Buck has to be the one to make that choice. Id also have chris feeling the different shift with buck having a gf like he did with Eddie. This newfound info wasnt just dropped on us for a "Aww so sweet" moment. This will business is gonna be a part of a bigger storyline. I'm hoping its with Eddie's family during maybe 5b.

So what I think would be the best timeline for canon buddie is 5a eddie already having either broken up with ana or is gonna break up with her, Buck choosing himself and ending things with Taylor by midseason finale, them bringing in Eddie's family in 5b and maybe then being when Eddie confesses his feelings for Buck. Then 6a we could get them walking on egg shells around each other not really knowing what to do bc this is all so new for both of them. This could bring just the right amount of comedy and angst especially them awkward and flustered around each other at work. A big blowup can happen between them for added angst (maybe an arguement before one of them or both of them is put in danger) then a midseason finale kiss. Then trying to find the balance between their personal relationship and their work relationship during 6b.

I don't know how long Fox shows last but procedurals can last a long time. I'm not sure thats gonna be the case for 911 especially with all the main cast staying that long so i think this would give us at least a whole season (S7) of canon buddie.

As far as then being presented as straight, there's been more seeds planted about buck being bi. A few i can remember off the top of my head: all of 2x1 lmao, maddie's comment about bucks boy crush on eddie, buck hinting at thinking eddie is cute when he thinks maddie is talking about him, the christmas elf, the comments on the instagram livestream, idk if youve watched it or not but TK's comment to Buck in the crossover episode, and like you mentioned Maddie's casual comment about setting him up with Josh. All we really know about Eddie's love life is he married Shannon when they were young and is trying with Ana so it could turn into a whole storyline for him.

I'm so sorry this is so long and took forever but i I hope i actually answered your question and didnt just get lost in rambles lmao.

[boognish-worshipper]

Remember the Rain

praying this is the final part of “Sunrise, Sunset” by the time i’m done omg ,, lamar finally talks it out with frank. i was tryna keep the titles consistent with a sky theme? wasn’t sure what to name this one at first, but i settled on naming it after a i song that i felt was sorta fitting lol ,, also lamar’s dramatic when drunk, that’s jus how it’s gonna be

oh and i included one last convo w/ that psychic lady bc each character got three opportunities to speak to her lol

//

The night Franklin and him fought was the third night in a row Lamar couldn’t sleep right. Then it became four. Then five. Six. He had hoped after the first couple days of Franklin being mad, that it’d all blow over and things would go back to normal. That he wouldn’t ever have to say anything about what he felt deep down. Even though he told himself he had to, he wouldn’t. He waited it out, and still hoped it would all just fucking blow over. That wasn’t what happened of course.

An overcast sky was spread over LS, light rain tapping against Lamar’s window. As cheesy as it was, it reflected how he felt. Another day had passed. Franklin wasn’t picking up, not even reading his texts, nothing. He called a couple times at first when the fourth day of the silent treatment occurred, then tried a few more times to contact him in the following days. It had grown into a long and sad string of texts.

franklin.

dog

plz

pick up

answer me

plz?

c’mon frank i told you i have nothin goin on with yo auntie

i wanna talk things out with you.

u ain’t let me finish explaining

text me when u read this. plz bro

He sighed. This was hopeless. He set his phone aside, still laying awake. A buzz came right after. Fucking finally, something.

fuck you

we got nothin to discuss

He didn’t know how to feel. This was fucking him up and he couldn’t think straight. He tried calling him once more, the ringing as he waited for a pick up mocking him. Voicemail yet again. How many messages had he tried leaving at this point?

for fucks sake frank pick up

u ain’t doin this to me rn

jus let me explain myself

He stared at the ceiling yet again, like it would have all the answers sprawled out for him. As he did, he focused on how the rain had picked up, coming down harder. Then he felt his phone buzz.

no

now stop blowing my phone up

i’m tryna sleep

Lamar was never one to be sensitive, but he felt so crushed right now that all he could do was cry silently to himself. He didn’t even have Chop around anymore to comfort him like he normally would whenever Lamar was going through something. Would he even see him again? He lived over at Frank’s now. Fuck. Did this mean they’d have to share custody now? If he wasn’t so upset, he most likely would’ve laughed at the idea of it. He was letting bad thoughts consume him, turning to a last minute resort of drinking to try stopping it. This kind of thing rarely happened to him, these kind of feelings weren’t common. He knew no other method of trying to stuff bad feelings down, working through a 6 pack of beer on his own, followed by a bottle of some type of random liquor. Anything to stifle the pain in his chest, although it didn’t accomplish much other than making him feel even more queasy. He left one last voicemail, choking back a sob. Or what he had thought would be the last one. He lost count.

“Franklin. Please jus’ talk to me already man. You- you believin’ what you wanna believe right now, you ain’t even givin’ me a chance. You my best fuckin’ friend, don’t that mean shit to you anymore? We.. homies n shit.” He sniffled, cringing to himself when he said the words “best friend”. Franklin was so much more than that to him.

“Ion… Ion think I can live without you in my life. You can’t hate me man that shit.. that’s fucked. This is fucked. I’m fucked.”

A strong feeling of humiliation hung around him for many reasons, one being that he was fully crying now, over the phone. He couldn’t get any lower.

“You jus’ mad right now. But you.. you won’t be, eventually. Right? Please get back to me soon. Please. I’d rather fuckin’.. die or sum’ than have you hatin’ me n shit. At this point I might as well.”

After hanging up, he decided to visit that site one last time. His tears blurred his vision, making it harder to type. The shit in his system didn’t help either.

lady

i fuckef up

thsi is yo faukt

What now? Why are you back?

frankljn hates me

He does? That’s not right.

damn straighy it fuckign isnt

No, I mean that’s not correct.

There’s no way that he could, even if it seems like it right now.

jus fuckin tell me whst to do

That’s out of my hands.

is not u fuckin wirch

*withc

*witch

Look, I really don’t know how else to help you. I don’t have any other visions to offer. You’re on your own.

They do say though, that dreams are visions themselves.

dont fukcin speak in riddles rn

Precognition, Lamar. Just have faith

prewhatnow

n yeah. faith. bc that helps so fuckn much

All I can say to you is good luck - it’s all coming together. Just wait.

th fuck does that mean?

It means that you’re stressing too much - you better sleep it off. Farewell Lamar. You’re gonna have a killer hangover you know…

SERVICE UNAVAILABLE. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER.

The notification did nothing but make him more upset. He calmed down eventually, the crying and alcohol tiring him out. He blacked out soon after, not remembering when he fell asleep.

For the first time in a while, he dreamt about the two of them. The start of the dream showed a radiant sight before them, the sky lit up in a million shades. Chop was laying beside Franklin, head on his thigh. All three of them sat on a grassy knoll, a soft breeze blowing through each blade. Franklin turned, Lamar not taking his eyes off him since the dream started. He only noticed the sky’s wide color palette because the intensity struck Franklin’s face just right. He looked right into Lamar’s eyes, speaking softly.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“What?”

“You had so many opportunities. So many times, I thought that you would. I got my hopes up, you know. I waited. When Tanisha left.. I only had you.”

“Tanisha..”

“I still love her. I.. I think apart of me always will, but I love you just the same. Even if you drive me up a Goddamn wall sometimes. You both mean the world to me.”

Franklin looked back at the view ahead. A heavenly indigo replaced the vivid hues from before.

“But she’s gone now. Shit ain’t the same. All I know is you stayed when she didn’t. Even when she got pulled outta the hood and made some kinda new life for herself, you never left my side. Never changed yo loyalties.”

He turned back to face Lamar again. His eyes were glassy, the glow of the midnight sky reflecting in them.

“So why didn’t you say somethin’ sooner?”

“Franklin.. I ain’t deduce that shit ‘til now.“

“You really didn’t know?”

Even in the dream he could feel that previous frustration occur in his mind. Was he hiding in a glass closet or something? He could only let out a wry laugh.

“Yeah man. I was a fuckin’ fool, jus’ like you always said.”

“Damn straight.” He chuckled, and Lamar came to the conclusion that he could listen to that laugh forever. Franklin’s face then fell solemn.

“Y’know I really thought that.. I really thought that you jus’ got with someone else. Not even jus’ my Aunt. I saw how you wanted to get away from me, and I thought…” He stopped himself, petting Chop’s head.

“I.. wanted to be happy if you was, but the thought of that at all bothered me.”

“Why?”

“Cuz you were all I had, dog. Mike n Trevor, they have their own lives, their own history n shit. I can’t always rely on them. Denise don’t give a fuck what happen to me. You my lifeline dog, I’ve known you for years. I didn’t want you to forget me over a chick or sum’. That day you acted all different n shit, it worried me.”

“Hey man, y’know I ain’t ever gon pull that shit on you. I’m with you for life.”

“Then don’t pull other kinda stupid shit on me.”

“Whatchu mean?”

“You can’t ever die on me bro. That ain’t how this shit works.”

“Ay man, I don’t plan on dying jus’ yet. Not unless yo ass by my side. Not ‘til I tell you I…” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

Franklin got closer to his face, cupping his cheek. His eyes shone as the stars around them fell from the sky, akin to raindrops, hitting them. Everything about him was flooding Lamar’s senses, and it felt surreal, between his aroma and all the other things he loved about Franklin. Golden flecks covered them both, and the stars continued to crash down. The sky was growing darker than before.

“Just say the words Lamar. Say them and this shit’ll be over.”

“How?”

“Well first you need to wake yo ass up.”

“Huh?”

“I said wake up, fool!”

Lamar’s blissful dream had been interrupted by an unknown figure shaking him, literal raindrops hitting his face. He was still bleary eyed, only seeing a vague silhouette in front of him. A wet slap to the face rattled his brain around, the hangover settling in. Shit, was he still drunk? What time was it?

“Lamar! Get up!”

“Oh.. Th’fuck? Who- who that is?” He grunted out.

“It’s me you fuckin’ clown!”

“Frank?”

“Who the fuck else?”

“Why are you-”

He was abruptly yanked out of bed, thudding to the floor with a small “oof”.

“Get up you punk bitch!”

“Franklin what the fuck-”

He was grabbed again, tossed back onto his bed. Franklin straddled him, shaking Lamar by the collar.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” He said, Lamar getting another slap to the face.

“What in the fresh fuck is you talkin’-” Another slap.

“15 fuckin’ missed phone calls! 15! Are you fuckin’ nuts?!”

Lamar’s eyes practically popped out of his head. 15? What the fuck did he say to him?

“I did what-”

Franklin shook him even harder by his shirt, stretching the material out. He was straining his voice now.

“You had me worried like fuckin’ crazy! I thought you was in some sorta fuckin’ trouble again! You blew my phone up when I told yo ass not to, and then didn’t fuckin’ pick up after I heard the first couple special messages you left me!”

Oh God. This was it. He told Franklin everything, didn’t he? The color drained from his face.

“Oh fuck me..” He mumbled, putting a hand over his eyes.

“What?!” Franklin yelled, shaking him again. Lamar’s head was pounding.

“Franklin.. what.. what I say on there? I barely remember a thing, let alone callin’ yo ass.”

“You seriously don’t fuckin’ remember?!”

“Yeah. Seriously, man.”

Franklin slid off of him, putting a palm to his face. He breathed through his nose hard, trying to calm down. Lamar realized he was drenched from the small downpour outside. Pellets of rain thumped against the window as a reminder that the storm never went away.

“You.. fuck, man. You started sayin’ all this shit about how bad a fuckin’ friend you was. That you, you was hidin’ all this shit and couldn’t live another day without tellin’ me.”

Okay. Good. He didn’t tell him the truth.

“You told me you wanted to die dog. Didn’t realize yo dumbass was safe n sound asleep in yo fuckin’ bed.”

“Oh.”

“…’Oh’? Is that really all you have to say?!”

“F, I was jus’ drunk. It was dumb of me, I know, but I.. It’s nothing, okay?”

“Don’t do this shit to me man! I’ve already dealt with enough of yo fuckin’ schemes n shit-”

“Frank.”

“It’s 3 am! You had Chop barkin’ his Goddamn head off the whole night!”

“Franklin.”

“Then I race my ass over here to find yo drunkass self passed out in bed-”

“Franklin.”

“What! What?! You finally gonna put yo two cents in for once?”

“Stop yelling. My head hurts like a bitch right now.”

“Good! I’m fuckin’ glad because I know mine does as well you fuckin’ asshole!”

Lamar looked pathetically up at him. This was getting out of hand. He let it go on for too long.

“Why did you come here then?” He croaked.

“Because you were fuckin’ sobbin’ into the phone! All I heard was you cryin’ like mad fuckin’ crazy and it scared me. You don’t ever do that shit, not even when you fucked up.”

“How much I say?”

“I got the first message pretty fuckin’ clear, the rest was jus’ incoherent bullshit. I barely got through the second one before speedin’ on over. You sounded hurt n shit, I thought something happened. I thought you was a goner.”

“No weird shit though right? I ain’t say nothin’ bad?”

“What? Lamar, what the fuck are you on about? I just told you what yo ass cried out to me! I couldn’t even understand any of the other messages!”

“Okay, okay. That’s.. good I guess.”

“That’s good? Fuckin’ hell, why did I come here? You- ugh!”

“Franklin. Can you jus’ sit down before you pop a fuckin’ blood vessel? You stressin’ for nothin’.”

If anything, Lamar should be the one stressing right now. He had been so close to confessing without knowing. Franklin sat next to him, arms crossed.

“Franklin.”

“What.”

“I’m sorry that I scared you. I didn’t mean to.”

“Well good fuckin’ job, you accomplished that real well didn’t you.” He said, sarcastically applauding him.

“I thought you were cutting me off for good homie. You think I was gon’ let that happen?”

“Lamar, that still ain’t a good reason to freak me out like that in the middle of the night.”

“It’s only cuz you hadn’t been listenin’ to me bro. I’ve been wanting to tell you somethin’ so badly lately and I never.. got the chance.”

“Then do pray fuckin’ tell LD, what the fuck is so important that you had to do this shit to me at 3 AM!”

“Franklin man, c’mon-”

“No! Don’t start!”

Franklin stood, heading for the door as he spoke. He stopped in the threshold.

“Tell me what the fuck is goin’ on with you, or I’m leavin’ yo sad ass here to wallow. I mean it L.”

“Don’t be like that. Please man. I want to, but I-”

“Jus’ fuckin’ tell me! Why won’t you tell me?!”

“Frank-”

“I dragged my ass all the way over here for nothin’ didn’t I? You ain’t dead, you ain’t sayin’ shit, you jus’ bein’ so- ugh! Fuck!” He threw his hands up, exiting Lamar’s bedroom.

“I’m done man, fuck this.”

“Franklin wait- don’t go-” He pleaded.

Franklin did nothing but leave him stranded again, thunder rolling far in the distance. Lamar ran after him as he walked out the door, hearing the rain heavily hit the pavement. His mind was racing far ahead of him. Franklin was leaving, he was leaving for good, and he couldn’t. He can’t. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Franklin can’t do that, he can’t-

His mind had gone so far away, that he didn’t even realize that he had tackled Franklin to the ground. The two of them fell to the ground with a loud splat, followed by sounds of pain.

“Lamar what the fuck?!”

“Don’t go! Fuckin’ hell, I gotta chase yo ass and for what?!”

“Get off me dog!”

“No!” Franklin was pinned beneath him. The raindrops that rolled off of Lamar hit him in the face.

It reminded Lamar of when they were younger, playing football or whatever sport they could outside even as the deluge soaked them both to the bone. The roles had been reversed, with Franklin constantly knocking him down onto the grassy sludge. They got quite an earful from Lamar’s mom as they tracked mud in the house upon returning. It was a memory amongst many that stuck with him like glue. Those memories couldn’t go away. Franklin couldn’t go away.

Tears mixed in with the rain as he yelled out to him.

“You fuckin’ idiot! Why you makin’ this shit so hard for me?! You keep leavin’ before I can even finish!”

Franklin struggled to break free from Lamar’s grip on his wrists, huffing as he looked away.

“Look at me!” Lamar shouted, grabbing his face with a free hand.

“I didn’t wanna fuckin’ tell you like this, but Jesus Christ! For fucks sake you stubborn asshole-”

He was doing it. He bit the fucking bullet.

“You know how we got into that fuckin’ argument last week? When I told you that I was dealin’ with that whole love thing, I wasn’t talkin’ about yo Aunt, a hoe, nobody else! I was talkin’ about you!”

Lamar threw himself off of him, stumbling backwards. Franklin propped himself onto his elbows. He finally said it. He said it, and he was far from finished.

“But you didn’t wanna fuckin’ listen! And now I’ve fucked our friendship over for a second time! All because of you! This whole thing has been drivin’ me fuckin’ insane lately, and I couldn’t do shit about it! I tried so, so hard to avoid this, but nothin’ ever goes my way, huh?! Every time I think a plan of mine’ll work, it doesn’t! You know why?!”

Opening his arms wide, he spoke loud and clear, finishing his rant.

“Lemme remind you: I’m Lamar fuckin’ Davis! The biggest fuckin’ fool, fuckin’ clown, fuckin’ whatever you wanna call me! Lamar Davis, the most naïve bitch on the planet! Fuck me for thinking that this would ever go well!”

Now it was his turn to leave. But he didn’t go back into his house. His legs moved for him, walking in no particular direction. He just needed to get away from Franklin, not caring about how damp his clothes were now. He was shaking, and he didn’t know if it was from the rain or the range of emotions he was flying through.

He could hear a pair of sneakers squishing behind him. Franklin was running, and he was catching up fast.

“Ay Lamar! Get back here!”

Oh fuck. He was chasing after him now. That’s not good. Lamar started running himself, not caring about possibly slipping and falling on his ass. Only a few hours ago, he had told himself he couldn’t be without Franklin. Now all he wanted to do was run away.

“Lamar!”

Fuck fuck fuck.

He wasn’t fast enough. The second time they hit the ground, Lamar had the wind knocked right out of him, the duo splashing right into a puddle. Hands gripped his shoulders, flipping him around.

“Lamar!”

There were only a few instances in his life where Lamar felt small. He’d always been big in character, big in height, and according to him, big in other ways. But this was one of those moments where he couldn’t help but flinch, wanting to collapse in on himself. He was so tired.

“If you gon’ beat my ass or somethin’ jus’ get it over with.” He sighed, shutting his eyes tight.

When he felt nothing but raindrops touch his face, he opened his eyes slowly. His heart sank when he did. Franklin was visibly upset, guilt in his eyes.

“Lamar. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

A wave of déjà vu washed over him. Oh. So that’s what precognition meant. Motherfucking psychic lady.

“You should’ve jus’ told me man.”

“I tried dog. You wouldn’t hear me out.”

“Cuz I.. I thought you got with someone. I didn’t wanna hear it straight from yo mouth if you was.”

He shifted up, Frank sitting in his lap.

“Y’know I always thought that.. Part of me jus’ kinda thought that it’d always be the two of us. I’m never gonna get Tanisha back.. but you..”

Franklin looked away.

“You a crazy ass loyal motherfucker man. You stuck by my side no matter what, and some dumbass part of me was convinced that you… I mean fuck, so many times I thought you would jus’ flat out say something. Somethin’ so I could stop waiting for the one other person I had known forever to just say that they fuckin’ loved me like that.”

Lamar blinked, rainwater getting into his eyes. It wasn’t quite as serene as his dream had been, nor was it verbatim, but Lamar didn’t care. There was something about the way the water droplets sat along Franklin’s face, highlighted by a streetlight behind him that made him look angelic.

“When you started actin’ all weird it jus’.. made me so fuckin’ mad man. I thought you was gon’ pick someone else over me. Jus’ like Tanisha did.”

“Franklin..”

“So why didn’t you jus’ say somethin’ sooner? I waited. Hell, I don’t even know why I did at first.”

“Franklin.”

“But now I’m realizin’ you must not have even noticed yoself what you was feelin’, when I fuckin’ did. I noticed and you didn’t and-”

Lamar grabbed him by the face, grip surprisingly strong after being in the rain.

“How many times do I gotta say yo name for you to hear me?”

The rain kept falling, never slowing for either one of them. Yet, it felt like time stopped. Lamar chuckled lightly.

“Franklin Clinton and Lamar Davis. Two of the dumbest motherfuckers in LS. Homies for life.”

“Yeah. Homies for life.”

His hands never left Franklin’s face. He pressed their foreheads together, lowering his voice.

“I love you, bum ass bitch.”

“Yeah yeah. I love you too.”

He kissed the top of his head, moving his hands down to embrace him in a tight hug. When was the last time they did this? As he thought it over, he could hear Franklin’s voice muffled against his chest.

“Don’t scare me like that again. Next time save us both the trouble n jus’ spill yo heart out. Dramatic motherfucker.”

The words had no malice in them, Lamar feeling him smile as he said it. He kissed him once more, and they just sat in the rain, feeling it bathe them in fond memories.

//plz listen to remember the rain by 21st century it’s so good 💔😭 anyway ya i decided to end it on a sorta happy note !!!!! franklin is a stubborn guy smh,, sorry for any typos lol also i rlly had no idea where i wanted to go with this so sorry if it’s weird or whatever

[tk-productions]

Mystic Sisters- Ch.18 On the Run

Materlist🌙🌹

Hikari's Pov

I sat next to Yua on the train headed towards Yokohama. We left the church early this morning. Neither one of us knew where we were going. We decided to go somewhere so we can figure out what to do. We just had to be away from our parents. That night after everything that happened Yua still tried to reason with Dad.

"Dad" Yua pleaded, grabbing his shirt sleeve. "I just want you to listen to me for once. There's weird things happening to Hikari and I-."

'Go to bed. I'm too tired to deal with this." He deadpanned, snatching his shirt from Yua's grip. There was no emotion on his face and no sincerity in his voice.  I watched him walk past her up to his bedroom.

"Too tired to care about your kids huh? It's like you don't want us here." Yua whispered.

"It'd be easier wouldn't it?" He snapped from the top of the stairs. Maybe things would be easier if we didn't adopt you two. You were suspicious about living her since day one. If it wasn't for you mom I would have given you back."

I shook Yua, waking her up from her slumber. She opened her eyes and yawned. The train stopped and we quickly got off the train. We found a small hotel nearby that was next to a convenience store. We stopped there first to stock up on food and water. Getting back to our room I plopped down on the bed. I took my phone out and stared at the wallpaper. There were no new messages or missed

"No calls or texts?" Yua asked, laying down next to me. I shook my head tossing my phone beside me.

"We left yesterday and our so-called parents don't even care. I would say I'm shocked but I'm really not."

Yua and I ate breakfast that consisted of juice and pancakes. After we ate I took a shower. I took off my jacket and shivered because of how cold the room was. I pulled off my beanie and tossed it in the pile of my clothes on the bathroom floor. Something about it felt off. I quickly turned back and picked the beanie up. This wasn't mine. It was Akio's. I guess when I was packing I grabbed his hat and not mine. I shook my head, placing Akio's beanie on the bathroom counter. Yua isnt gonna let me hear the end of this is she?  When I came out of the shower Yua was under the blankets snoring loudly. There was a chair by the window so I decided to sit there and read for awhile. Well attempt to read over my sister's snoring. The sky was gray and cloudy. It looked like it could rain or maybe even snow. A few minutes later it started to rain. I watched the rain fall down and leave droplets on the window. I ran my fingers over the cold glass turning the water into frozen ice. Placing my palm on the window it started to heat up and immediately melt. The window turned hot making me move my hand back. What don't tell me I have fire powers now? The room was cold so I grabbed a blanket off the bed and wrapped myself in it. Before I knew it I had fallen asleep.

Yua's pov

I sat at the edge of the lake watching the ducks take a late night swim. The moonlight beamed down on the water beautifully.

"Yua you're gonna freeze" Haru said from behind me, making me jump. He wrapped his jacket around me and sat beside me. He was still dressed in his training gear meaning he must have just gotten back.

"What are you doing out here anyways? It's late."

"Feeding the ducks."  I told him handing him the bag of bread crumbs. He tossed a hand full and the ducks gathered around. It was silent between us but it was a comfortable silence. The only sound came from the ducks happily eating.

"Still thinking about what your mom said?" Haru finally said. I nodded bringing my knees to my chest.

"It's a lot of responsibility. Taking care of my sister and one day taking over the kingdom. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

"Well I know once you fully turn you'll be ready. I can already see it when we train?

"Yeah?" I questioned turning to look at him. He nodded. "Your parent's see it too. You've already learned so much. Don't stress about it. When it's time you'll do fine. Plus you have Hikari and I." He smiled.

"Yeah but you're the only one that Will remember any of this" I laughed. "Even when I do see you again I won't know who you are."

"You'll remember one day too. Once you get your memories back you'll remember everything. Including this moment now.  that part was true. One day we'll all be able to come back to the castle. There won't be people coming after Hikari and I. Well if they do we'll be ready for them.

I woke up to the sound of rain hitting the window. It was pouring rain. Checking the time on my phone it was 4:52pm. I closed my eyes trying to process the dream I just had.

"Hikari?" I called out. She didn't respond so I sat up and noticed she wasn't in bed with me. I saw her sleep in the chair with the blanket falling off. I picked the blanket off the floor and wrapped her in it. She stirred a little in her sleep mumbling something.

"Hm?" I asked.

"Akio..." she mumbled again.

"So first you steal his hat and now you're having dreams about him" I smirked.

I laid back in the bed starving up at the ceiling. This dream was just like the last one. This time everything was more clear. Maybe what I was seeing was a memory. Everything about it seemed real. Plus Haru and I talked about me not being able to remember. What wouldn't I remember? That night? Or was there more? The last time I tried to talk to Haru about it he got defensive. Maybe that's why. He mentioned that I would start to remember. Did he not want me to? I knew then but now I know he's not telling me something. It would make sense with the way he's been acting lately.

"I knew he was lying."

"Who?" Hikari asked. I opened my eyes and she was standing over me. I grabbed the pillow next to me hitting her in the head with it.

"Why are you watching me sleep?"

"Why'd you hit me?" She pouted.

"Why are you having dreams about Akio?" I shot back.

"What?"

I cocked my head to the side grinning at her, she rolled her eyes and picked up the pillow hitting me with it. After hitting me she sat down across from me. I sat up while Hikari stared at me.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"I'm hungry" I signed, grabbing my phone. "You're always hungry

"Sushi"? She nodded smiling happily.

Riyoshi Pov

"Where the hell are they?!" Haru growled giving Akio and I a death glare. He tried his best to be intimidating but he wasn't. Honestly I don't know what Yua sees in this guy.

"We told you we don't have them.'' I said, stepping closer.

"I don't believe you. Now tell me or get your ass beat."

I chuckled and looked back at Akio. "Do you hear this guy."

"Yea he's pretty delusional and persistent." The younger one said in an annoyed tone.

"Aye! I'm right here and I can hear you." Haru walked up to me grabbing my collar. "Tell me where they are." he demanded.

"So you're like the bodyguard? You suck man, Like legit who trained you?"

I must have pissed him off as his face scrunched up and he launched me as far as he could but his throw had no aggression whatsoever. I landed on my two feet easily. "Now you pissed me off."

"Yo Riyoshi we are really wasting our time on this dude. I kicked his ass like a week and a half ago so imagine what you could do."

I sighed in irritation. "Don't ruin this man I need to let off a little steam anyway." Akio put his hands up and backed up as if I needed more space.

"Ahh lil tough guy huh. Your mommy teach you that?" Haru taunted.

"What are you 11." I said as I pulled at least 5 daggers out of my weapons belt "Any Last words buddy?"

"Yea. I'm not your buddy" Haru spat.

"That attitude makes me wanna shoot you instead but I have no wooden bullets for you today."I sucked my teeth mad at myself. "Too bad you'll die slower I guess." I shrugged then launched all 5 daggers at him.  He dodged a couple of them but since I'm savage I threw a few extra that he didn't see. Hitting him in both legs,his Right ankle, his chest and face.

These hits weren't fatal but he won't realize that till later. I ran up and kicked the dagged further into his chest and watched him fall to the ground groaning in pain and eventually passing out. "Damn that was quick"

"He might get back up, he had more fight in him when I was up against him."

"You didn't launch 5 daggers into his pressure points though. And the one in his face will definitely leave a scar.

"Did that one for fun."

"You really scare me sometimes man." Akio said with a straight face "he's not dead tho. I thought you were gonna kill him."

"Nah I really wanna shoot him so he'll have to wait till I finish carving bullets for that."

"Why do you wanna use weapons so bad?"

"Because I cant use them on Levi and I really wanna shoot him."

"Makes sense." Akio nodded in understanding and turned his attention to the knocked out vampire.

"That is just sad. Imagine being that weak Amelia would have our head for a failure this bad."

"You're thinking about Amelia, I'm thinking about our big boss, imagine that."

"You're right. That's worse."

"Let's go find those girls. It's about time we get your favorite hat back." I told him in a stern voice.

"Why is your anger suddenly directed at me?"

"No reason. But if you fuck this up just remember." I motioned my arms as if they were around his neck. "Remember this?"

Akio gulped "That's not right."

I tapped him on his shoulder. "You make the final decision so don't be scared yet." before walking away like I didn't just threaten to put him in a death hold while he stared at me in disbelief.

[grxceblqckthxrn]

hi @chocolatecarstairs came up with these post-CHOG questions and i really want to answer them because im sad that im finished reading it :((

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW

what was your favorite part, 1 or 2?

Honestly I loved both parts, but I’d say I loved part two just a little bit more for the time that James wasn’t under the curse anymore and LOVED Cordelia

which scene in the book was your favorite?

EVERY scene that had Matthew and James being wholesome parabatai in it!!! my favourite chapter in this book was Blue Ruin, the one after Grace takes the bracelet back from James  (aside from the whispering room ofc).

what scene (or scenes) made you cry the most?

ok ngl i didnt spend much of this book crying, but the only scene that actually made me tear up was when james was dying and matthew could feel it and jesse (WHO I FUCKING LOVED MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD) gave him his last breath :(((((

what scenes were unsatisfactory?

there were not enough Christopher scenes (but to be fair, even if the entire book was just Christopher it still wouldnt be enough for me)

but fr, i cant think of any off the top of my head but i’ll edit this if i do later

what made you laugh the most?

matthew!! james!! thomas!! christopher!! also some of the things Jesse said

what bored you?

this wasn’t boring, but the whole charles/alastair plot line didn’t have me very invested. I did love the alastair/ cordelia scenes tho, so it was just charles that was the problem

also no offense to james bc he was my first actual fictional crush after reading TMH/NBS but like whenever he talked about being in grace i would literally zone out lol the bracelet curse makes him so boring but whenever he isnt in the curse/ is with someone who is NOT grace i just!! love him!!

what disappointed you?

cassie honestly had me kinda shipping matthew/cordelia for a solid FIVE SECONDS there when he stepped in to dance with her after james left her standing there, but that was one of the only scenes that made me feel like they had natural chemistry (along with the scene where he drops her off at her house). I felt like the during the rest of their interactions in the book, cordelia was kind of uncomfortable, which made me really sad because even tho she has every right to feel that way, i felt bad for matthew. I kind of want him to fall for someone else completely and for it to be reciprocated. also, i just really want for matthew and cordelia to become good friends because i feel like they could have such great natural chemistry if matthew didnt love her.

what is the top thing you wish had been done differently?

see above.

what things did you predict that came true?

JAMES BURNING DOWN BLACKTHORN MANOR I FUCKING SAID HE WOULD DO IT TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO IF YALL WANT ME TO LINK THE THEORY LMK

what are some things that were really unexpected?

ok there’s quite a few things here so bear w me babes:

- James genuinely loving cordelia from the start. I wasn’t expecting him to naturally feel nothing for grace at all, so i was expecting a slow burn jordelia, but finding out that he actually loves her makes me so happy but the end where cordelia thinks he was just pretending breaks my heart :(((

-matthew liking cordelia lol definitely was not expecting another parabatai love triangle but i hope it doesnt last. i do think it adds to the plot and i love it, it just hurts to see matthew so emo :(((

-I was expecting to like cordelia as a character, but i ended up LOVING her so fucking much???? she’s so three dimensional to me, and it’s interesting to see how her personality adapts around different characters as people adapt around different social circles irl

-liking jesse as much as i did

-ok so james’ entire character was a surprise to me. it’s so fascinating to see how the bracelet actually affected his personality.If you recall him in The Midnight Heir from TBC. he’s like an entirely different person. i still loved him in TMH but i went into CHOG thinking that if he was gonna be like that the entire time i’d probably get over him really quickly. i was pleasantly surprised by how much i ended up loving him even more tho

-i didn’t expect oliver hayward to die and im going to stay emo about it

- Christopher is so much more clear headed than he was made out to be prior?? like there were so many scenes where he was fully there and when he defended anna to alastair i just kfdsnfkld i love him

are there characters that you didn’t like before that you like now?

yikes umm... Alastair, maybe? he’s somewhat okay to me now, I dont dislike him as much as I used to. ooh and Hypatia Vex. the only scene i remember liking her in QOAAD was when she helped out kit, ty and dru (me, going a whole TSC post without somehow mentioning kit? not possible)

are there characters that you liked before that you don’t like now?

I started CHOG ready to give Grace the benefit of the doubt, and I was surprised by how timid and shy she seemed at the start, but it was interesting to see how it was all an act and how she doesn’t have an actual personality yet. one could argue that she actually does love james, but i doubt it at this point. i dont hate her yet, even tho she IS fucking up james’ life, but she’s on thin fucking ice.

who was your favorite new character?

does new character mean completely new or just never been in a novella new? because for the first, it would be Cordelia (i LOVE her sm!!) and other wise it would be james, matthew and co. also!!! jesse!!

what places in the book would you like to visit?

that hell dimension sounds pretty lit ngl

did you like the ending?

ok so. we KNOW that jordelia is gonna be endgame. cassandra clare always takes the hardest path to get there, but when has she not delivered? it’s just a matter of waiting. so, yes, i did like the ending in sense of the plot because it was a great twist, but i also feel really bad for all of them even tho ik they’re eventually gonna be together :(((

what did you think of the epilogue?

i wasnt surprised, since we alr know that Tatiana is shady asf, but i just really wanna know how she partnered up with a GREATER demon like lol wtf. again, im really happy in terms of plot with this

what are your thoughts on the engagement?

i feel so. fucking bad. for cordelia. and james too, even tho he’s under the bracelet’s curse so he doesnt even KNOW he’s being manipulated. but i love how even through the curse, james still loves cordelia in his own way.

what did you want to see that didn’t happen?

matthew getting therapy periodt

umm honestly i just want more “merry thieves” content like i just love. all of them.

what do you wish had been resolved that wasn’t?

i really want matthew to tell james or cordelia what happened because i just need him to be loved and supported lol i want to give him a hug. 

what is your favorite pairing as of now?

jordelia!!! and lucie and jesse are kind cute rn, and i like them if theyre gonna be pining after eachother but i feel like if they actually get together i wont like the relationship as much.

which characters would you like to see more of in the next book?

CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER 

ANNA!!! i lovED reading about her she’s so badass

matthew!! jesse!! also i wanna see more of those bitchy girls lol just so we can see anna or cordelia tell them to stfu

what is one character whose death you would undo if you could?

ok i know that jesse is still very much a conscious character despite being dead but like,,, i want him to be the way he was before and also i want him to come back to life

and barbara!! she seemed so sweet 

which characters got bad/unsatisfactory endings?

ummm barbara? i cant really say much on this yet bc its still only the first book and when has the first book ever ended up with anyone being happy.

oh but also can we sign a petition to make cassie let matthew actually survive the series because my heart aches just at the THOUGHT of eventually having to read a scene where he dies

which characters got what they deserved?

literally. none of them yet. :(

who should have died but didn’t?

Tatiana lol also lowkey charles but i also feel pity him to an extent 

what plotline are you most excited to see in the next book?

okay the entire jesse plot has me hooked because i LOVE his character. also i love the bracelet plot but its making me MAD because i just want james to be happy but

what is one scene that you wish hadn’t happened, but you know was unavoidable?

THE ONE WHERE GRACE PUTS THE BRACELET BACK ON JAMES. i mean obv there was no way he was completely done with grace, but i literally got so sad at that part like why HIM of all people smfh let him be happy

which pairing do you like the least?

alastair x charles, grace x james, lucie x matthew bc neither of them actually like either imo lol

what are some theories you have for chain of iron?

- not necessarily for COI but i think matthew is gonna get exiled and turned into made into a mundane

- the bracelet will break (?)

- jesse will come back to life (like actual life) at the end of the book

-grace is gonna do something to help the main characters, making it hard for us to hate her.

what characters do you think should have gotten more plot time?

lol are yall gonna hate me if i say christopher again (also anna)

anyways this was really fun!!!!! PLEASE ASK ME STUFF ABOUT MY OPINIONS AND STUFF OR JUST SAY ANYTHING ABT THE BOOK BC IM DESPERATE TO TALK TO PPL ABOUT IT

[theshabozengine]

Rank the mainline persona and SMT protags by skill in bed.

Alright finally I can make my opinions about SMT sex known

So right at the bottom of the fucking list is Yu from Persona 4

any fucking dipshit that dresses like this is is 100% bound to expect you to do all the work in bed while he lays there like a dead rotting fish. The only fucking fingerbang this man is aware of is the fucking South Park one because he thinks its edgy and cool to watch South Park. He also friendzones you immediately after he pump-and-dumps, riding off into the fucking sunset expecting you to be happy about this outcome.

Never EVER get you a man like this.

Next up is Boy With Earring from Persona 1

This man just does not fuck, plain and simple. He looks at you, see how you’re dressed and scoffs at the idea of getting dirty with you. This man has no human drives whatsoever. This creature is barely sapient, yet still a better more considerate lover than Yu. Has a weird thing for ice play though.

Third worst is Flynn from SMT4

Now its not his fault, unfortunately. See he’s friends with two other dumbasses and theyre constantly interrupting whenever he tries to get things started. Sometimes youll even be gently kissing Flynn, looking deep into his eyes when suddenly his gaze goes behind you, eyes filling with worry and you dont have time to brace yourself as you hear the shout: “ILL END IT THUS” and then your asshole is on fire because his dickhead friend didnt use any lube and its just an overall bad experience cuz then you have to keep trying to start the night with Flynn over but Walter keeps fucking showing up so you have to keep pray for the love of God that Isabeau escorts this dumbass out but then because you thought of God suddenly Jonathan’s there now and he’s just a mood killer and the night’s ruined and its just...

Its really not Flynn’s fault, but he will never be able to satisfy his partner.

Next up is the Tamaki duo from If

They really wanna try their best in bed but just look at these two, they have no idea what theyre doing. They can be redeemed if you feel you can teach them the ropes, but thatll be a whole long drawn out process and itll take them a very long time to understand the concept of an orgasm.

Kei Azume from NINE is next on the chopping block

This dumbass is just high, constantly, and the sheer reek of weed nugs permeating through his sheer existence deletes any and all desire a person could ever feel around them. Look at this Shaggy-looking mother fucker. This dumbass lives in a van and fucks his dog. However, unlike Yu, the dog at least gets an orgasm from Kei.

Unfortunately next on the list is Joker from Persona 5

He really really wants to fuck good, and boy he sure does try, however he always talks about how adults suck which brings up too many questions while his dick is inside you, an adult, and he always tries to finish you off with some sort of unexpected sex move which is always 100% predictable and obvious as he telegraphed it the entire time. Not only that, but this whole time hes been acting weird and you try to enjoy what he really has been doing well his fucking cat just walks up and sits with his asshole directly next to your fucking face, and Joker refuses so shoo the cat and now you just keep glancing to the cat asshole every once and a while by accident whereupon you become very conscious of its existence every so often, and having that sight paired with getting pleasured the whole time leaves weird echo effects in your mind like Pavlov’s Cat Taint ringing through your brain.

Then it turns out his cat was fully aware of how awful it was being the whole time and doesnt apologize and in fact expects you to apologize for waking it up with all your stupid moaning. Bad experience overall, evne if Joker himself is very good at sex.

Next is Tatsuya from Persona 2.

He’s really eager to try and help you out, but ultimately his fingers just cant reach the way you want them to, his tongue’s just a bit too slow, and he cant thrust his hips well enough to hit the spots you want. Always out-shined by the people from beyond this point, but a nice enough guy that you wouldnt mind at least trying with him a few times.

Next is Nanashi from Apocalypse.

This absolute fucking retard has no idea what’s going on at any time during his entire life, however his big brother Dagda who’s always creepily standing behind him even when youre trying to fuck can at least guide him through it. With his guidance he can fuck like a champ, however you have to deal with Dagda watching intently the whole time and just muttering “ You've got a lot of work ahead of you, kid... And you're going to learn firsthand just how pathetic gods, demons, and humans are. Remember one thing, my Godslayer: You have no choice but to obey me.“ every five fucking minutes. Good sex but HORRIBLE experience overall.

Bit controversial this next one, but Demi-Fiend from SMT3 is next on the list.

Now his kicks are fucking great, he always listens to what you have to say, and hes a great partner overall however...hes way too rough in bed. Like there’s being rough and then theres getting donkey punched and a neck sprain and massive internal bruising. Itll be really good for a while, but unless you can stop it real quick hes gonna get really rough. This man has no control once he gets going. He will continue to escalate the situation and unless you can yell your safeword louder than an undead monk screaming he aint gonna hear. Dangerous, but youll definitely cum.

Next is Protag from SMT1

Bold choice, I know, but he will always try and pay attention to your tender areas and watch your face carefully for any reaction however slight, and then log it all in his stupid fuckin Google smart watch. Itll be a good fuck, really, but youll also have to deal with him taking a break every once and a while to fucking log it all. Does have a very big dog too, if you’re into that kinda thing I suppose.

Aleph from SMT2 just squeaks ahead of Protag

This man is just the exact same person with the exact same flaws and everything, except minus a dog. However, he knows hes packing some fucking meat in his factory. Every single other character on this list has absolutely no fucking crotch protection except Aleph. Aleph here knows hes got a fucking pool noodle packed away and hes gotta fuckin protect it. He will create a water park in anyone’s pants once he drops trow and shows off. Astolfo’s Monster cock? Nothing compared to this man.

As with Aleph, Maya also fucks like a champ.

She knows what she wants out of her sexual experience with you and what she wants is 15 simultaneous shared orgasms, and by god shes gonna fucking get it. She will run at you like a fucking Terminator and clothesline you so you hit the bed stunned as she takes absolute control of the situation. You will not be able to move a muscle once shes done, and it will be as though your Mara ran entirely out of MP. Only real flaw is once she’s done, she gives you a temporary tattoo of hearts around your nipples like her dumb fuckin shirt to mark her territory. If youre into it, then she’ll make it permanent.

Next up is SMT5 protag holding the copper trophy. Game isnt ever going to come out but you just know how nasty this slut is.

Look at this idiot, this absolute fucking baboon. This fucking man who fought Sweeney Todd to death and won barehanded gives no fucks. Look at his awful fucking outfit and his garbage fucking haircut, then realize that even with all this he is confident. He’s a chad even with all this stuff that everyone else would tear to shreds. Why? Hes one of the best in bed. He’s fucked everyone who tried to step to him out of house and home. Once this monster’s engines rev up he will force you to see heaven. “Oh, hon, I just want one orgasm tonight” you might try to say before he can make you see white but then he just fuckin looks at you and smirks. That one orgasm you have is so fucking powerful you become dehydrated for a month.

With the silver comes Makoto Yuki from P3

Similar to SMT5 above, this man should be bullied into oblivion but hes not. Why? Sex god. This man is so fucking powerful at sex he literally gets a clay golem and a robot to fawn over him for the rest of their eternal lives. This man fucked so hard his friends all got mindbroken once he moved on and they foguht each other to the death for the right to his dick. This man fucks so well that he defeated fucking death with the power of how much everyone loved his dick. When this man died from fucking too much you know what he did? He went on to fuck concepts and evil gods instead. This man literally ascended to a higher power through the sheer power of dickening. Also when he fucks you his music choice is the best for breeding.

And with the gold: Doomguy from Strange Journey

This absolute perfect specimen has literally everything a person could ever ask for: His cock fits snug, virile, fit, handsome, and best of all hes independent. He doesnt need to rely on an tricks or anything to get your orgasms flowing, hes just the pinnacle of sex. This man marches into your father’s house, and just through sheer presence without a single word said makes your father beg him to take your hand in marriage. Marriage whereupon he will be the perfect husband and always treat you with respect, and even if you mess up he will forgive you and help you through any difficult periods in your life.

Literally everything and anything you could want in a man: If you like it rough, he can do it. You want it gentle he can play ball. Whatever hole you want him to stick it into hes got the perfect way to arch his hips to fit what you wanna feel at any point in time. Ooh baby, absolutely get you a perfect man like him. The planet Earth itself tried to woo him, but he said no since he knew the person reading this post was out there, and he wanted to make sure he was there to love you.

[wonderlandcrows]

hey crow what are your COG recs other than fhr and the passenger? 👀

BRO I READ SO MANY WIPS......I’ll try to recommend some finished ones if i have any but be warned its mostly wips

From a previous ask:

Monsters of New Haven High - You can play as different monsters and I just really liked the vibe of it. There’s some flirting happening but no romances per se.

From Ashes we Rise - There’s some flirting, no romance, but it kinda has a Fallen Hero vibe and I really love the story and the MC!

Empty Shell  - The MC is so cool, I really like them (but like maybe thats just me sohiosdusd) There’s 4-5 (I dont remember exactly) romance path you can take or not at all. The seriousness of that romance depends on who you pick! I only did 2 characters and my 1st run was very romance oriented and the second one was probably gonna be explored later.

Guenevere  - I think you would have already played it but just in case….It’s really good and a lot of content! (1 book and a half!) And the romance is there >:3c Right now, there’s 3 ROs that I know of.

AMYGDALA: Encode - There’s no romance (yet?) BUT its made by a friend and its super good and a whole new take of the zombies story which I love and its fantastic! So if you wanna check it out ;w;…

3150 Dahlia St. - Some romance elements , some characters more than others, there’s a lot ROs and a lot of choices. The story is good but maybe hard to follow at times (It was for me sdiosdhisdo) [it has since then been discontinued]

A Witch’s Curse - There is definitely romance but since its a wip it’s not fully developed , and the story is captivating as well!

Son of Satan: The Mortal Coil - No romance per se there will be in the final product, but lots of content and torrid flings  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Fox of Sunholt - it’s really funny , there’s no romance yet but you can flirt and fluster some nobles which is always good.

Otherwise, some that are out uuhhh,,,

There’s of course, Wayhaven but you’ve played that for sure.

Evertree Inn and Sordwin (EI is the first book! There’s a third one planned); there’s romance but the mysteries in the world takes focal point! I’ve enjoyed both of them though. They’re kinda like DnD one shot stories?

Maybe Zombie Exodus: Safe Haven, I’ve seen some people really like some the romance in there - personally the story doesnt interest me as much as some others and the way we gotta pay for story parts (Instead of paying the whole story you gotta pay by parts) which isnt that big of a deal bc writers gotta live and I understand that but for me it wasnt worth it.

There’s Heart of the House, I haven’t finished but it’s good so far! I know there’s some romance but where I’m at, we haven’t really delved into that completely so I can’t really say. You’re in search of your uncle in a very strange town.

Tally Ho, is another one. There’s 3 ROs I think? I haven’t finished it either but the story is nice and I love two of the ROs a LOT! You play as a butler and your life is full of Drama.

I remember liking Creatures such as We a lot but its been a couple of years since I’ve played it. There’s romance, and 4 or 5 ROs? They’re all unique and includes an older one which is kinda rare? It’s free, when I looked it for the link I noticed its free once and then you have to pay (it was free when I got it the first time like 5 years ago iodhsdiosdio) and you play as a Space Guide of sorts.

I’ve seen people highly recommend The Eagle’s Heir , personally the whole historical facet of the story kinda threw me off and I had difficulty following but it’s good its just that my brain found it Hard™ but the ROs are cute ! And I noticed it was on sale until July 9! So if it interests you, get it now!

And new stuff:

Greenwarden - MC feels a bit like sidestep, you know whole true disaster, and it has similar trigger warnings as The Passenger? Only one chapter out so far, but definitely one i would keep my eyes on!

Regrets of the traitor - Its been a bit since ive read it, i dont know if it has updated recently, I dont think so? It has a fair bit of content and I really liked it, you play a ‘villain’ if you choose to do so. And the mc is very interesting to me!

Monsters - Old, so I doubt it’ll ever be updated now, but the story has stuck with me (i read it like a few months ago), I’d be careful reading it if youre sensible to gore,violence,etc. Not a lot of character customization? but the story really pulls you in, or maybe it was just me.

Model Citizens: Unmasked - The story was really pulling me in and it finished on a cliffhanger so i was kinda smad, which is a good thing bc it means i really wanted to continue you know? Its a superhero/villain story but youre not one, you’re a bystander with a purpose.

I haven’t read finished ones in a good while (mostly bc there’s none that interests me at a first glance) but ive been really into reading Breach: The Archangel Job for the past 2 nights (3 tonight, i think ill finish today :’) ) You play someone in a gang and shit goes down! The writing style is a bit meme-y and like referential to pop culture? but it doesnt make it unreadable and there’s a D20 mechanic involved in the game so your choices can go horribly wrong like in dnd! On the more expensive side as Cogs goes 9+$

Otherwise All-World Pro Wrestling, it made me laugh a lot, but if you want a real like deep story line, this is not it. It’s gay ! Really its mostly sex and wrestling as foreplay?

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hi, i hope you are feeling good! Im better than yesterday so i can finally answer you. First of all: i am so happy that you shared your fanfiction! i had a great time reading it! Im always open for more recs. Maybe your all time favorites? Or if you know some good h/c these are always welcome :) And YESSS please send me a link to your fanvids. -- yeah 13rw was super cursed. haha i also watched season 1 but thankfully i was able to sto watching becaue i could feel it making me feel bad (1)

I agree the suicide scene was just cringe (but i think i remember reading somewhere that they cut it out? idk) and overall this show just gave me the feeling that there was no hope and things are always getting worse instead of better and i hated that. but enough of that cursed show. can i just say i really admire how open you are about your feelings (like being suicidal and that) i realy, really admire this about you. i have so much respect for you that you can just share your feelings here (2)

I have never heard of ace attorney but that story you described sounds really good. and i get reading sth that isnt good for you and still doing it (because im a dumb bitch too :D) -- okay i might accept that Root will never grow on you (but i thought so too and look at me now :D) but i havent fully given up yet :)-- yes thats the girl. i think it was really sweet when she said that to Shaw. and i think Shaw appreciated it that someone tried to figure her out instead of just writting her off (3)

Shaw is really cool and definately also a badass and in combination with John its just great! but you will have to suffer trough some Shoot.  but maybe, maybe you will end up not hating Root. hope dies last (idk how the saying goes in english, sorry). -- Did you ever ship Caresse (in a romantic way)? cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont and i get so confused about it :) but i think most of the time i like them more as friends. anyway her death really sucked and you are right with (4)

her death and them losing the library it felt like a different show (i mean i guess it was a different show then). i kinda get your feelings about the destroyed library because i also really loved it (and im really bad with change) but i dont think it affected me as much as you. but yeah i still missed the library very much. and while the subway is a really cool new place its not the same. (also the subway is super dark cause its underground and idk it just makes the whole thing less homey) (5)

Yes he is everything! such a great, interesting character and i wish there were more John-centric episodes! (like ones that explored his character more). that was one of my biggest dislikes of the later seasons that John wasnt featured as much anymore. i think he chuckled a few times in the show but a real laugh? i cant remember one :(  -- He did promise Joss to talk to Tyler so @show were is that talk? -- if seen the vid its awesome! thehiddenmemory has some great poi vids! (6)

yes i think so too. Like Grace would probably be relived and thankful that Harold is still alive and maybe they would even try again but eventually she would figure out that she cant trust him after lying to him for so long or sth like that and Harold would ofc realize that he is in love with someone else now. And then he finds out that John is still alive but stayed away cause he didnt want to get in the way of Harold/Grace. But then Harold comes back. And when they meet again John is like (7)

you came back for the machine? what about Grace. But Harold tells him he came back for John not the machine and then they kiss and have a happy live with Bear (sorry i got a little carried away here :D). -- Yeah Zoe is really hot and she needed more screen time! -- i hope you have a good day and i hope i havent messed up the numbers on the asks! :)

Hi ! I'm finally free from the resits, I hope you're doing okay with your thesis 💛

Sorry for replying late, there was the exam resits, and I read a bunch of fics, then I fell into pokémon and started bingewatching it. (Also I had a breakdown during therapy today so I'm gonna finish writing my answer to distract myself - it's been sitting in my drafts for so long rip)

Thank you !! It was a very personal thing, I'm really happy you liked it !! Your support and your comment made me thrive 💛💛

Tbh I was surprised to see it get kudos given that the only intended audience was my self projecting ass 🤣

So, my fav fics (my fav fic ever is in French, rip to y'all bc it's so good):

I am, I am, I am by RavenWhitecastle

Actually check the entire series this work belongs to: The Sinner and the Saint. I haven't finished it yet but I love it (I just skipped the explicit fics bc I don't like smut or sub!John)

Breaking All The Rules by talkingtothesky

Outsider Perspective by Neery

A Really Private Person by astolat

Hamartia (the hero's fatal flaw) by astolat

If Only for Tonight by spacemutineer

From Here, Where? by AKMars

Stroll by TheaNishimori

and the world was gone by lunarcorvid

a light that never goes out by vindicatedtruth

Limitations. by Michaelssw0rd

Reel you in and spit you out by Michaelssw0rd

All I Want For Christmas Is You by richmahogany

By What Power I Am Made Bold by brinnanza

Aftershocks by darringtons

At Certain Hours It All Breaks Down by nogoaway

construction of a kingdom by the_ragnarok

You Take Me Higher Than I've Gone by talkingtothesky

All Together Now by beadedslipper

I'll Let the Waters Still by brinnanza

Birthday Tradition by talkingtothesky

Things My Father Taught Me by KRyn

Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder by infiniteeight

Better Luck This Time by Lisztful

Motivations by JenNova

What's On the Table by cortue

In Another Life by Della19

I Thought We Already Were by talkingtothesky

Misunderstandings by thisstarvingartist

This is already fucking long omg so for the h/c: my bookmarks filtered with Rinch and h/c

Here's my playlist, it's mostly Rinch, but there are a few not Rinch vids, plus some scenes I like

This is long enough already, so it's time for a read more. Also, warning, we be talking about suicide

The portrayal of suicide is cringe most of the time anyway. If my suicidal ass can find a list of suicide methods and their lethality in 2 mins on Google you'd think writers who are supposed to do some research would be able to find them too but no they're like "ah yes slicing wrists" even though it's literally the shittiest method 🙄 (I just don't understand why slicing wrists seems to be such a popular method in the collective imagination ? It's weird.) At least in 13rw she took aspirin and cut herself vertically instead of horizontally but still, no hesitation wounds, and she dies even though she only got 4 wounds iirc ? I know more about jumping off bridges than slicing wrists, but it kinda sounds like bullshit to me. Also Netflix once suggested "beyond the reasons" to me, it's a sort of discussion with the cast and crew of 13rw and the only thing I remember is a moment of intellectual masturbation abt how they "opened a discussion abt suicide" 😬😬😬

They may have cut it out it's not impossible, idk I didn't hear about it, but it's not like I look for info about this dumpster fire lol. Maybe they faced backlash ? Wouldn't be surprised given how shit the show was. And yeah it has a hopeless vibe, I mean that's how it be when you're suicidal, but I didn't like it either.

You're sweet 💜💜 it's interesting that you find it respectable or admirable, I don't have an external point of view, so I'm just like 🤷 it is what it is. I understand where you're coming from though, I guess it's still quite a taboo subject, and suicidal people don't always feel comfortable talking about it, so me throwing around that I jumped off a bridge must be surprising. I'm detached enough from my suicide attempt that I'm able to talk about it without much of a problem, and I'm not really suicidal anymore.

Dumb bitches unite 👏👏👏 we be out there reading shit we shouldn't read

Yeah I think it's nice how the show didn't portray Shaw as a bad person for not having "normal feelings". Well, hope makes one live as we say in French (idk the English saying either lol) but don't hold much hope about me liking Root lmao

I used to ship careese bc they kissed in the crossing, but then I read some Rinch fics and I just ended up falling into it to the point where I stopped caring about careese. Now I think their relationship works better as a friendship.

Yeah all that change really puts me off... It just gives me "bad spin-off" vibes. Especially since there is less John :( and less Rinch :((((

Lmao yeah I just have a lot of feelings about early poi hgkfglrk. Also :/ I'm sad about the subway being less homey pls I just want happiness ?? I swear this show destroys my heart on top of owning my last braincell (brb changing my blog title to this lmao)

Mood I need all the John-centric eps, give me m o r e characterization and development and backstory and feelings hhhhhhh. I love him so much I just wanna spend more time with him. And that's what fics are for ! Yeah thehiddenmemory is so talented ! Astolat made some good ones too, on top of writing really good fics ! (Our fandom has been blessed with the presence of one of the ao3 founders hell yeah)

Also, remember how we talked abt the poi subreddit ? The other day I left a comment on there, wild I know. It wasn't a discussion about the last seasons though, I'm not crazy, it was about the impact poi had in our lives so I said it literally taught me English. Who knows maybe sometimes I'll comment again lol. I just don't wanna meet one of those people who prefer late poi over early poi.

Allow me to uuuuh write something based on what you said. Don't ask me how John survived with no major injuries, my man got that Thick Plot Armor alright. Hope you appreciate me getting carried away sjdkdksk it's kinda rushed and the first part isn't that good bc idk how to write Grace I'm just here for that sweet sweet Rinch stuff

Harold is eating breakfast with Grace in her kitchen – he can't think of her home as his home – when his phone vibrates. It's a text from the machine. It's a surprise, she barely contacted him since... He blocks the thoughts and the images coming to his mind. The machine sent him a picture. When he opens it, his heart misses a beat. Right here on his screen is a silhouette he thought he would never see again. His phone vibrates again. Another picture, this time it's unmistakably John, wearing his signature suit, Bear next to him. Transfixed, he stares at his phone until he feels Grace gently touching his arm. She goes straight to the point.

"Is it John ?" He looks up in confusion, but before he can say anything, she adds, "I hear you call him in your sleep every night."

"It's him, yes." He doesn't want to explain. He only wants to see John, to touch him, to tell him how much he loves him.

"You should go back to him. I like you, Harold. I am deeply relieved to see you alive. But I've been thinking, and... It's not working. This, us... You aren't really the man I fell in love with, the man I grieved... I can't trust you anymore." She doesn't say 'You lied to me' but Harold hears it all the same.

~

Harold sits on their bench. The machine indicated John often comes here. Soon enough, his arms are full of Bear, and John is standing in front of him.

"John. How are you ?" he asks when Bear finally calms down.

"Busy. And you ?"

Harold eyes him suspiciously – John once said he was busy when he was bleeding and way too close to death – but he seems to be well.

"I'm fine." He doesn't have time for awkward small talk." I thought you were dead. Why didn't you contact me ?"

"The machine told me you were with Grace. I thought you wanted to come back to your previous life. I didn't want to crash into it and ruin what you had."

Harold wants to be angry at him, but he understands. He did the same with Grace.

"You would never ruin anything. Besides, my relationship with Grace... didn't survive my lies. She's very dear to my heart, but she's a part of my previous life, as you said."

"So you came back for the machine, and the numbers, like the good old times ?"

Harold gets up from the bench.

"I came back for you. You are an important part of my life. The most important part."

John smiles, finally. He takes a step towards Harold, they're so close they could kiss. Harold reaches out, grips his shirt and slowly inches closer. He's still afraid of being rejected but John wraps his arm around him and kisses him. The kiss is over too soon. John's smile is even wider when they part.

"You're the most important part of my life too," he says before kissing Harold again. "You will stay ?"

"Always."

Damn I live for sappy Rinch stuff.

Bitches decided that Harold saying "always" is peak Rinch. It's me I'm bitches.

Also ofc I had to make a reference to number crunch, who do you think I am

Anyway. I hope you have a good day ! 💛

[dolphin-enthusiast]

buonasera my sugarplum! 🌺🌟💗 i hope you are well darling! it's lovely to be back this evening!! after all, the perfect end to my nights always seem to be writing you while i lounge with my cats,, sometimes sipping on something nice,, tonight i actually have some limoncello with me hehe, only a small amount of course! after all, i don't wanna end up accidentally getting tipsy again~ 😖 (though to be fair, it was my older brother's fault last time hehehe) (1/7)

"i'm so happy to hear that you have the same taste in AA characters as i do!! (even if i haven't gotten that far yet) i was doing some more looking around to pull me farther down the rabbit hole,, and i think i'm gonna start watching the anime by the end of the week! ahhh, i really can't wait to watch it, along with more of our show ✨😉 (2/7)

today was long, as i spent most of it helping out in the neighbor's garden,, but it was fun!! i had to water and check the progress of different crops, and harvest anything that was ready! i also had to check on the bunnies of course,, i went alone this time so it took a lot of strength to get the big food bag out 😅 (3/7)

i got to pick lots of vegetables to feed them too!! one of the bunnies, who i named torrone, ate a carrot right out of my hand,, and at one point, all of them came to sit with me~!! two even layed in my lap,, i was overjoyed! my mom couldn't believe it when i told her hehehe 🐰 (4/7)

ooh, and i was sitting outside with some tea for a few hours today, when i saw a baby frog hop over to me! he hopped onto my leg, and i carefully picked him up in a napkin to be safe,, he was so cute!! the little thing was barely the size of my fingertip, but he was very curious and ended up sitting with me for two whole hours! i named him mojito since he was a bright green, hopefully i'll see him again! (5/7)

the rest of my day was spent cooking dinner, trying to avoid random flirts online, and going shopping for liquors and liqueurs,, mamma likes to bring me with her to pick out new things (but mostly to advise her on what wines she should buy hehe) my parents both seemed exhausted by the evening, so i used it as an excuse to fix up some amaretto sours with some leftover mixers... they must've liked it enough to allow me a glass of whatever i wanted 😖❤ (6/7)

awaaaa,, all of this rambling tires me out,, but i'm really happy that you all don't mind it as much as others do,, oh my, they always tell me that i need to shut up ahaha 😂 oh goodness, it's quite late now though, so i think that's all for tonight! so goodnight cuore mio, sweet dreams!! i hope you wake up smiling in the morning 💞💞💞 - hugs from the other half of the planet, your waifu 💌✨💖💕💋🌹 ps: let's add me fixing up drinks for you to the bucket list of things to do 😘💓 (7/7)"

U have no idea (once again) how thrilled i am that u got into aa and d e a d a s s everyone loves edgeworth and franziska so really big brain taste👁️ but my advice would be to not watch the anime till u finish the og trilogy (a.k.a the first 3 games) since it basically spoils everything xhdhshs but tbh the anime isnt amazing and has lots of bruh moments animation wise yet i still love it lmao esp of the voice acting....both the dub and sub slap royally (edgeworth's dub voice doe😳😤) AND OUR S E C R E T SHOW MAN AM I EQUALLY AS THRILLED FOR U TO DISCOVER MORE OF THAT TOO

N E W A Y S i have to say im fully convinced that ur some sort of earth/nature/growth/nurture goddess in disguise bc animals flopping to u further proves it ksksks never in my life was i able to like hold onto a frog for hours u have magical powers dear😳😳😳😳 u could prob command and entire army of bunnies, frogs, cats and many more if u so desired-

Also whoever told u to shut up will get the stabby cuz i aint havin none of that bs 🗿🔪 this also applies to the random flirts trynna start bs (btw i totally forgot to answer one of quinn's asks that said there was another one on instagram? Coming @ u so im gonna address it here: WII GATHERIN THE CLOWN ARMY ONCE AGAIN SISTERS👀🔪👀🔪👀🔪)

On another note, i'd totally try out ur drinks bc cocktails are a big passion of mine (then again who doesnt love em) and even more so if ur the one who made them a h a

[kvndeathmusic]

my favorite records of the 2010s pt 1 (the less great stuff/honorable mentions)

Neither this post or its followup are going to be in any particular order, however all the records I talk about here are, in my opinion, not as good as the records i will talk about in my part 2. they’re all fantastic but these ones slightly a little less fantastic than the ones in my “top 10″. none of this is based on stuff like 'influence' or whatever other critics base their lists on, this is solely how much I enjoyed these records. And keep in mind, I'm only human, I havent listened to a good lot of records I've heard others describe as top 10 worthy, these are just records I found and that I resonate with. long post ahead. 

Vacation - Bomb the Music Industry (2011)

If you asked me what my favorite band is i will either say bomb the music industry or jeff rosenstock, but considering those are pretty much the same things it doesnt matter lol. While Vacation isnt a perfect record, it is one I love. It lacks some of the ska elements that I love about earlier BTMI records, but at the same time, it is the first record where Jeff’s “””solo””” career sound starts to form in tracks like Sick, Later, Hurricane Waves, Everybody That You Love, Everybody That Loves You, and Vocal Coach. And these tracks are all fantastic, especially the absolutely explosive opener Campaign For a Better Weekend. Where this album suffers in my mind is the fact that it exists as a weird hybrid middle ground between BTMI and modern Jeff Rosenstock, it isn’t really ska like old BTMI and it’s not quite to the same standard as the tracks on We Cool?. And some of the songs are just, not as good as the others, like Why, Oh Why, Oh Why (Oh Oh Oh Oh), which is washed out almost entirely in reverb, and tracks like Savers feeling barren and missing additional instrumentation. But fuck man I can not dislike this record or just call it “ok” because despite this I still listen to this record a lot, it’s so catchy and fun and Im a bit too chronically addicted to btmi. 

Reflektor - Arcade Fire (2013)

i dont really get the hate/mixed feelings others have with this record. there’s so many good tracks dude!!!! sure theres a bit of a slump in the middle and it doesnt reach the same emotional heights as their previous records you gotta be ignorant to overlook this records strengths. while i do like The Suburbs more than Reflektor, man i just vibe HARD with some of these tracks; the title track, We Exist, Here Comes The Night Time, Normal Person, Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice), Porno, and ESPECIALLY Afterlife. Plus the cover art is cool and I like it. However Flashbulb Eyes is one of the worst tracks Arcade Fire has ever put out and I hate it immensely. And while far less offensive, tracks like You Already Know, It’s Never Over (Hey Orpheus), and Joan of Arc are just kinda boring and/or uninteresting. Now granted, I'm extremely biased when it comes to Arcade fire in general unless were talking about the trainwreck that is Everything Now. I started listening to Arcade Fire just before Reflektor came out, and I have a kinda sentimental attachment to the record. ill explain the feeling more when i talk about The Suburbs. anticipation oooooo.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar (2012)

i might get crucified by some for not putting this in my top 10, but whatever come at me i guess. gkmc is a fantastic record, but i do think the ending is weak, which is why it’s here instead of in the top 10. i mean, let’s be real, Real is a mediocre track, and while Dying of Thirst is an important track to the whole narrative of the record, it feels way too long. almost everything else about this record is fantastic, from the beats, to kendrick’s nasally flows, to the overall structure of the record spinning a tale of a young man battling demons both inside and out, and his eventual redemption. even if i find this record at times to drop pace, it really is flawless otherwise. it felt like a disservice to put this in the 20-10s, bc it’s a good record, but i had to make some compromises and this was one of them. 

RTJ2 - Run The Jewels (2014)

el-p and killer mike are a perfect duo, and the tracks they make together are always total bangers. and for me, RTJ2 is the best overall, with RTJ3 in a close second. it’s hard to put this on the lower half of the list, some of the tracks just don’t work as well as the others, but despite that there’s not really any tracks i hate or dislike on this record, minus maybe crown. the pure aggression in the opening track Jeopardy sets the tone for an aggressive yet highly focused record. This is some of the best rap out there right now if you want some music to fuck shit up to. 

Pure Comedy - Father John Misty (2017)

This record is both hilarious and extremely bleak. Josh Tillman is a master of satire and sarcasm, and Pure Comedy is the peak of his songwriting skills. The title track is one of the best tracks of the decade, period. And he keeps up the momentum on the following few tracks. The main problem with this record is its weaker second half, but even then it’s criminal to suggest that those songs aren’t good regardless. And despite the bleakness, the one line that sticks in my head after all this time is the line this album fades out to: There’s nothing to fear.

Knife Man - AJJ (2011)

Continuing on the trend of folky, satirical, and bleak records, Knife Man is AJJ’s defining record (next to their debut LP). AJJ blends loud, punky anthems with quieter, folk tracks that touch on sensitive issues in a way only AJJ manages to get away with. And there’s some genuine heart mixed in as well, with the final track Big Bird always striking a chord with me. However, I do feel the record is, let’s just say, padded at times in my opinion. Still, I can’t deny how much i enjoy tracks like Gift of the Magi 2, Hate Rain on Me, The Distance, and Skate Park. Speaking of which when I saw AJJ live recently they played none of those songs and that kinda sucked but hey it was like $20 I can’t complain. And speaking of not getting what I wanted...

You Won’t Get What You Want - Daughters (2018)

It was hard choosing between this record and their 2010 self titled record, but in terms of the overall narrative and variety this record shines through. If there was a number 11 spot in this unorganized list this would probably take that spot. It’s noisey, it’s abrasive, and it’s like nothing you’ve heard before unless you’ve listened to Daughter’s previous records. Tracks like The Reason They Hate Me are catchy in the weirdest and most unwelcoming of ways, Less Sex sounds like a long lost Trent Reznor NIN track, and Guest House is a masochistic and gut wrenching finisher. Fantastic record aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

We Cool? - Jeff Rosenstock (2015)

It’s obvious that I had to include this record somewhere on these list. It’s like a more refined version of the sounds that Jeff experimented with on Vacation. Definitely more punk than ska, but still some of those roots still shine through, especially in the track Nausea. Some of Jeff’s best songs are on this record, from the loud opening tracks Get Old Forever and You, In Weird Cities, to tracks dripping with bittersweet and moody lyrics like I’m Serious, I’m Sorry and Polar Bear or Africa. The main reason this record is on the back end of the top 20 is because the deeper cuts on the record do not match the energy and heights of the best tracks. Tracks like All Blissed Out, The Lows, Darkness Records and Beers Again Alone don’t feel like they belong and stick out a bit. They remind me more of the material Jeff put out on his 2012 EP I Look Like Shit. Mind you they aren’t bad tracks, but I’ll be honest I skip them often when listening to the record because i just wanna get back to the good good stuff. 

Sports - Modern Baseball (2012)

Sports is one of the best pop punk records ever, if you can even consider it as such. It’s like a blend of emo and folk punk, and it works so well. A good majority of this record is on my main shuffle playlist. Is it pushing boundaries? Not really, but tracks like Re-Do, Tears Over Beers, and See Ya, Sucker are undeniably catchy and memorable. I NEED MODERN BASEBALL BACK TOGETHER RN. There’s not really anything that wrong with the record, besides maybe lacking in variety, but at 30 minutes, it’s a record that feels nostalgic even on a first listen, and continues to feel that way even after numerous re-listens. Speaking of nostalgia...

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire (2010)

Some background, when I was 13 (circa 2013), I only really listened to whatever my parents put on for me. From my mom, I “inherited” a taste for classic pop and 80s new wave. From my dad, I got metal and hard rock. The first time I made the conscious decision to listen to a record fully, based on my own curiousity, was when I sat and listened to Sgt. Pepper in the summer of 2013, which broadened the scope of what I thought music could even be. And later that year, the first band I got into after The Beatles? Arcade Fire. When I think of my early teens, the memories are set to this record. I remember listening to Ready to Start in my brother’s old hot ass car while driving to the local fair with some friends on a chill fall night, eating tons of junk and staying up past midnight back when doing that was edgy and cool and not a symptom of my depression. 

If I was judging this record solely by its best tracks, it would easily be in the top 3. But I couldn’t place it in my top 10 because, frankly, some of the deeper cuts are lacking. I can’t say I like Deep Blue. I really don’t like Rococo. And Half Light I kills the pace of the record. But man, that title track, Ready to Start, Modern Man, Empty Room, Half Light II, Sprawl II... these songs defined my early teen years. I still tear up listening to the title track. Sure I have to skip a few songs when I re-listen, but I can’t place it any lower or my heart will break. It existing outside of the top 10 already hurts. And that’s all that’s left now. The top 10. 

But first, some random honorable mentions that didn’t make this list:

Sound & Color - Alabama Shakes

Black Star - David Bowie

Saturation II - BROCKHAMPTON

Melophobia - Cage the Elephant

Teens of Style - Car Seat Headrest

How to Leave Town - Car Seat Headrest

Daughters - Daughters

Sunbather - Deafheaven

Bottomless Pit - Death Grips

Year of the Snitch - Death Grips (should be on this list tbh)

Doris - Earl Sweatshirt

I Love You, Honeybear - Father John Misty

Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes

Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

Boarding House Reach - Jack White

POST- - Jeff Rosenstock

S/T - Joyce Manor

Firepower - Judas Priest

ye - Kanye West

KIDS SEE GHOSTS - KSG

You Were There - Kill Lincoln

Flying Microtonal Banana - King Gizzard

Infest The Rats’ Nest - King Gizzard

No New World - Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

Bury Me At Makeout Creek - Mitski

Puberty 2 - Mitski

Unsilent Death - Nails

Itekoma Hits - Otoboke Beaver

Morbid Stuff - PUP

A Moon Shaped Pool - Radiohead

RTJ3 - Run the Jewels

Angles - The Strokes

To Be Kind - Swans

Undertale OST - Toby Fox

Scum Fuck Flower Boy - Tyler, The Creator 

Igor - Tyler, The Creator

Weezer (White Album) - Weezer

nightlife - yuragi

[set-phasers-to-whump]

whumptober day 29

prompt: numb

whumpee: matt murdock

this got longer than it was supposed to be so im sorry if its a little tedious (also i feel like i didn’t touch on the whump a whole lot??? idk hope this isnt too bad)

“You’re gonna tell us what you know about our little operation.”

“I don’t think I will.”

“Oh, I think you’ll be persuaded.”

Matt was in a bit of a sticky situation, not an unusual occurrence. What was unusual was that he hadn’t even been looking for trouble. He’d just found himself in it. 

Well. He hadn’t gone looking for trouble tonight, anyway. He might’ve brought this trouble upon himself with a half-Nelson & Murdock, half-Daredevil investigation into some extremely shady real-estate deals that he was pretty sure had ties to the mob. But he hadn’t been out searching for anyone tonight. He’d just been walking home from the bar, and then he’d been ambushed by a pedestrian and dragged into an alley. 

So. Not the ideal night. But he could make do. There were too many people to fight off at once, but he was fairly certain he could talk his way out of this-he’d been ambushed in his normal clothes, which meant these people only knew him as the lawyer Matt Murdock. 

“What is your little operation, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Murdock,” said a man from in front of him.

“Vince Romano, I assume?” Matt asked. He hadn’t yet run across Vince, who was supposedly the real-estate agent in charge of these deals.

“That would be me. And I’m gonna ask again. What do you know about my business?”

“Oh, not much,” Matt said. “You buy buildings, have a crew fix ‘em up, and sell them at higher prices. That is typically how this works, I think.”

Of course, he knew far more than that-these buildings being purchased were being used as a front, he just hadn’t figured out for what. And Romano had several connections to the mob. So it wasn’t typical real-estate business. Not that he’d let Romano know he knew that.

“I’m gonna ask you one more time, what do you know?”

“I told you all of it,” Matt replied, sounding bored. “What more do you want?”

“I told you what I want.”

“And I told you what I know.”

“Okay.” And Romano stepped back. The man holding Matt still, however, only tightened his grip. Matt heard something being removed from a container-not a knife, maybe…

A needle jabbed into his arm. He yelped in surprise. “What was that for?”

“For not telling me what I asked.”

“What is it?” 

“You don’t need to know. Now. You’re already blind, Mr. Murdock. What I’ve just injected you with is going to numb your entire body. You will lose the sense of touch, then your limbs will cease to function. I have another serum lined up here-” he tapped a glass bottle- “that will take away your other remaining senses after that. Now are you willing to talk?”

Matt shuddered as he felt the serum begin to course through his body. He needed a plan, needed to get out, but he kept thinking of what was about to happen to him-and then it happened, and suddenly his whole body was numb, and his legs gave out from under him. He couldn’t feel his limbs, couldn’t feel the arms that must’ve been holding him up wrapped around him. He tried to move his arms, but found they wouldn’t cooperate. Experimentally, he opened his mouth and said, “I told you what I know,” which came out fairly clearly. 

“You really wanna keep beating that horse? I’ll just give you the other serum now then.”

“No!” Matt shouted. “No, no, I’ll-” there was no way out of this- “I’ll tell you.”

“Do go ahead.”

So he divulged all of his information, his speculations, his suspicions. He knew it was a bad idea, but frankly, he’d been out of options-he couldn’t lose all of his senses. And he had no way of knowing if or when the serum would wear off. So he’d made a logical decision. He hated it, hated that he was willing to give up his information for his own sake, but he knew he had to. 

“Hm. Not as much as I would have thought. Sure you don’t have any more?”

“That’s really all I know,” Matt said, trying to keep his voice even. “I swear.”

“Funnily enough, I don’t believe you.”

And a second needle was pushed into his arm, and he screamed, but then he couldn’t hear himself scream, and the scents of the city faded away, and he couldn’t taste the slight tang of blood that’d been on his tongue from when he’d been grabbed. 

He was aware of being released, and falling to the ground. He didn’t feel the impact, didn’t sense the people leaving, didn’t sense anything at all…

How long he laid there, he wasn’t sure. He was fairly sure he was crying. He might’ve been screaming. He couldn’t tell. 

Slowly, however, his sense of hearing returned. Which didn’t help much, except that he could hear the tears dripping off of his face and onto the ground. Then his sense of smell returned, and he could again smell the city, the trash, the salt on his cheeks, the blood in his mouth. Taste then returned, which didn’t do a lot except make him wish it’d go back away, as the metallic taste of blood became evident at the back of his throat. 

He still couldn’t feel, couldn’t move. He started really panicking then. What if that first serum had been permanent? What was he supposed to do? He’d guessed that it was early, early morning, perhaps around 3:00. Few people would be out on this block. He couldn’t move, so he couldn’t call anyone...he guessed he was pretty far back in the alley, so nobody would see him. So there was nothing for it-he’d just have to make some noise and hope someone heard him. 

“Hello?” he tried calling. Nobody responded. 

“I’m in the alley!” he added. Still nothing. 

Then his phone rang-Foggy-but of course he couldn’t answer it, since he couldn’t move. He tried frantically to shift his body even a little, to get the phone out of his pocket, but it was hopeless. 

His phone rang again. What was Foggy even doing awake so early? Matt wondered. 

A horrible thought then occurred to him-what if Vince and his goons had done something to Foggy? What if they’d threatened him? Or worse, what if they’d hurt him, and were using his phone to contact Matt?

The phone rang a third time, then abruptly hung up. Matt sighed and decided to shout for help again. Still nothing.

It was a few minutes before anything happened. Foggy called yet again, and this time, he was able to move his leg-ever so slightly, but he heard it drag against the concrete. He hadn’t been able to feel the movement, which was an extremely strange sensation, but he’d moved! 

“Matt!” 

“Foggy?”

He heard Foggy’s footsteps as he entered the alley, quickening as Foggy presumably caught sight of him.

“Matt! Thank god you’re okay!”

“Did Vince come to you?”

“What? Yeah, he told me what he did to you, warned me to back off...are you okay?”

“Sort of? I can’t move much and I can’t feel anything, but other than that I’m fine.”

He heard Foggy crouch down beside him, his knees hitting the concrete. 

“I’m moving your jacket,” Foggy explained. “It looks...wet.”

Did it? Matt wondered. He hadn’t been able to feel himself get wet, obviously, but this was an alley, he could’ve landed in a puddle…

“Holy shit, Matt, you’re bleeding!”

“I’m what?”

“Bleeding, Matt! Did you not notice?”

“All my senses were gone, Fog. And I don’t know how long I’ve been here. Would’ve thought I’d have bled out by now.”

“It hasn’t been very long,” Foggy said. “Vince just came to me like ten minutes ago.”

Huh. He would have thought it’d been longer. 

“Okay, I’m gonna take you to the hospital, alright?”

Matt was often opposed to the hospital, and this occasion was no exception.

“No way. There are way too many things to explain. We don’t want to make Vince more angry at us.”

Foggy hated to admit it, but Matt had a point. “What do you want to do instead, then?” he asked. 

“You’ve stitched me up before,” Matt pointed out. “Plus, I can’t feel anything at the moment. So. Win-win.”

It was most definitely not a win-win, but it was something, at least. 

“Fine,” Foggy said. They weren’t far from his apartment, so he carefully hefted Matt into his arms, staggering against his weight but managing to stay upright. They arrived back at his house in a few minutes. 

Matt still couldn’t feel anything, but he had been pleased to note he could move his legs fully again. He swung them experimentally in Foggy’s arms.

“Stop that,” Foggy muttered. “I’m gonna drop you.”

“I can move my legs again,” Matt pointed out.

“That’s great, but please don’t do it right now. I’m about to climb some stairs and I really don’t need any distractions.”

“Put me down, then. I can walk.”

“Can you?”

“I can move my legs, can’t I?”

But it turned out that being able to move your legs and being able to walk were two separate things, and Matt’s legs crumpled beneath him.

Foggy sighed and picked him up again. The stairs were slow-going, but finally, mercifully, they made it into Foggy’s apartment. 

“I’m gonna get my first-aid kit,” Foggy said, setting Matt on his couch. He’d have to wash out the blood at some point, he realised. That would be fun.

Foggy returned with his supplies. He had indeed stitched Matt up before, so he knew what he was doing, and was quickly onto his first stitch.

Of course, the numbness had to wear off in the middle of Foggy’s stitching. 

Matt gasped in pain. “Stop! Stop!”

“Not numb anymore?”

“No!”

“I’m almost done, Matt. Just hold on.”

Matt took a shuddering breath, focusing on the feeling that had returned to the rest of his body, instead. Foggy’s couch was soft, his hair was sticky, his clothes were wrinkled and uncomfortable. 

And his torso was on fire. Getting stitched up never got any less painful, no matter how many times it happened. 

Foggy finished his stitches and quickly disappeared to get some painkillers. Matt took them greedily and laid down, trying to take deep breaths and even out the pain, but failing. Being stabbed was one thing-he’d been stabbed plenty of times before. But losing his senses, being completely unable to do anything...that was new. It was scary. 

“It’s okay,” Foggy said softly, reassuringly. A gentle hand brushed his cheek. He hadn’t even been aware he was crying. 

“It was so scary...I couldn’t do anything, Foggy! Nothing, just...laid there. I could’ve bled out, and I wouldn’t’ve known a thing.”

Foggy had no words for his friend. He couldn’t imagine how terrible it must’ve been, to lose all sense of...everything like that. To be completely helpless. So he didn’t say anything. He stood up, grabbed a blanket from a chair, laid it over Matt, and sat on the floor in front of him, back to the couch. He reached up and grabbed Matt’s hand. 

“It’s over now,” Foggy said. “You’re not numb anymore.”

this kinda sucks, sorry!!! thanks so much if you read it!!

[bulletproofscales]

Could u pls do some 2seok where Jin fattens hobi up so much that the poor baby gets stuck in a door or breaks a chair? N he doesn't know how to feel but jinnie comforts him n feeds him n gives him tummy rubs n jst luvs him :(( ♡

—ok so,,, mayhaps,,, i got a little carried away,,,and wrote,,, over 5k words???? IM SORYY I HAVE A THING FOR 2SEOK. I love this request too!! It’s my first time writting a prompt about a character breaking something (that isnt clothing) so i really hope i dont let you down with this one!!–

Seokjin had already adopted their entire life to fit Hoseok’s size. The large size chairs with no arms, changing a wooden bed for a double matress on the floor, wide doors, open spaces. Every measure to make the younger as cozy as possible in the comfort of their own home. But this week, Mrs and Mr. Jung had asked the couple if they could watch over the house as they went on a short vacation; cramped rooms, old chairs, childhood beds.  To say Hoseok was frightened would be an understatement.

In his defence, he had every right to be anxious. There had been a drastic change on Hoseok’s frame, and his parents were too very slim individuals. He knew they had asked him and not sister just because she was on a short trip to Japan, he wasn’t the closest with his parents. They were judgmental enough when he was only chubby but now it had been a couple of months since his last visit, and anyone could say he was now properly obese. It wasn’t even an exaggeration at this point. His face had rounded out completely, and neck had disappeared entirely only to be replaced with a thick layer of fat. His chest had grown enough to be considered breasts, sagging down and resting on his enormous belly; which had grown enough to get in Hoseok’s way of normal everyday basics: he had a hard time putting on shoes, most times opting for sandals, put on pants, or well, joggers with extreme difficulty, he couldn’t even see his feet anymore! But it wasn’t a risky guess to say they were probably chubby as well. His stomach took so much space his arms, now flabby and with jiggly wings, couldn’t reach the bottom of it. His overhang so low it took up most space of his crotch; that also had a little separate pouch of fat above it. His love handles were now big enough to connect with the rolls of fat on his back. His legs had grown inwards and outwards, making it harder to walk or move in general. And it was all Kim Seokjin’s fault.

Hoseok was really fit once, lean muscles and sharp angles. In constant fear of dropping people’s expectations of him; that he was going to make it big, the world known dancer he had to become. The pressure was suffocating and soon turned the thing he loved the most, into the biggest toll on his mental health; to the point once he moved out of his parents’ house, the once extroverted cheerful boy isolated himself from not only his hometown friends but also the ones he had quickly made in Seoul. It was shocking to Seokjin when the guy he had not so long ago became his boyfriend, stopped talking to him entirely, even though he was older, he understood the stress of university. But it was summer vacation and there was still no sign of the dancer, of course, he didn’t expect him to burst out crying when he confronted the younger in his own apartment door. Yet with the discovery that this was much more than just stress from studies, Seokjin felt only more motivated to stay and to bring back the joyful man he met when the boy first entered university and their friend group. So he started hanging out more in the younger’s apartment, most days cooking his own meals for two; knowing fully well how more often than not, Hoseok would skip his everyday meals. And to Seokjin’s luck, the dancer not only accepted them but also ate them gleefully. Or at least that’s what the older could say from the now healthy weight he had gained. His ribs aren’t as noticeable and his every angle felt at least a little soter.; hi mood was better too, less anxious and even more confident in his own skin. Not as unsure, but the fun, extroverted and cheerful man he was before. Not only that, but Hoseok had also started to spend less time practicing in the dance studio, and more time at home; which gave the older the perfect opportunity to shower him with love, even though he was letting loose a little, it didn’t mean his incertenties disappeared. So the older would automatically preparee little details for huis boyfriend to see, from a single cupcake next to  a post it with an encouraging message on it, or an ice cream after a particularly hard day, or a full on feast of celebration. It was Seokjin’s way of expressing support, especially considering how hard Hoseok wa son his body. For example, there was a feast with all of the dancer, or well, ex-dancer, when he decided to change his major to literature. It wasn’t that Seokjin was against dancing, but it had become such a toxic aspect of his boyfriend’s life, the reason behind all of his insecurities and anxieties. The older couldn’t say he was upset with the change, rather excited by it. Hoseok, of course was still uncertain but not only with Seokjin but with the help of everyone, he learnt to feel comfortable on his current major.

When Hoseok was majoring in dancing composition, all of his boyfriend`s rich foods would burn out throughout the week; however, it just so happened that the literature major did not require half as much movement as his former one. So it wasn’t a surprise to anyone when the younger began to gain weight, barely noticeable at first as Hoseok had the metabolism of a teenager. But that could only keep him fit solong; slowly, and very gradually weight began to settle. Barely noticeable, a soft stomach rounder thighs, but now, it would be the first thing people saw in him when he walked past.

It was hard, even though he was near finishing his major, in a happy relationship., with an amazing group of friends who stood by him; Hoseok still had his doubts about his change in career, especially with the metamorphosis his body had gone through. But with his boyfriends’ help, they adjusted their life till it was hardly noticeable that he was any different to their friends. But that was in their apartment, in Seoul.

“Seokjin I don’t fit through the door.” Hoseok stated mortified in front of the too slim entrance.

“Oh come on, Hobi! No with that attitude you won’t!”

“I am physically unable to go through this door.” He stood rigid as he saw his boyfriend laugh hysterically already inside the house.

“Don’t be ridiculous Seokie! Come I’ll help you in.” The older stood now outside in front of Hoseok, Slim crooked fingers holding fat ones. “Do you wanna try sideways or normal?”

“Lets try sideways.” The younger said waddling till he was no longer facing the door but the house next to them. Seokjin slides his hands from his arms to the very center of the massive expanse of his stomach.

“Ok, now walk slowly, try sucking in once you reach the door.” The older’s calmness was somewhat contagious as Hoseok walked over to the door, his boyfriend was already inside though his hands were still on him, pushing the fat slightly inwards, he would squish and ohs every side that went past the door frame so that he would fit. And just like that, slowly and  carefully, Hoseok was inside his childhood home.

“If I have to do that everytime to get in an out of the house I think I’ll just stay in the entire week.” Hoseok groaned instantly finding a chair to sit down, cringing at the loud creak it produced. His breathing was heavy already, he could feel the heat radiating from his most likely red cheeks.

“Then don’t? I mean, you always used to complained how there wasn’t anything to do here anyway. And your parents already left tons of food for us to eat.” He shrugged cheekily “I say we use this week to relax, I know how stressed you’ve been with your thesis on that book..um…?” He gestured vaguely with his large hands.

“Demian” The younger started with a loud exhale of air, feeling the exhaustion from just the name of the novel alone.

“See? You are in need of a break, and you are in luck your amazing boyfriend is going to make sure, you have a good time!” He exclaimed rather dramatically, which earnt a fit of bubbly giggles from the younger. “I’m thinking….”He paused for a moment’s shifting his weight from one long leg to the other. “Movie marathon, blanket fort, and that stew you told me your mom left us.” Hoseok’s heart shaped smiled split his face in half, nodding quickly. And with that his boyfriend left to the living room, probably top build that for the mentioned. The younger would go grab the food and plates, however he had to get up first; a basic day to day thing that had become a difficulty with time. It took a few attempts but he was finally up and waddling his way into the cramped kitchen. It was hard, his ass constantly brushing against the counters, sometimes pushing pots in the process of moving; though he finally was able to not only waddle his way into the living room carrying the huge pot, but also go back for two large sodas and their plates glasses and chopsticks.

His childhood living room was turned into a blanket fortress, which wasn’t surprising knowing it was Seokjin’s specialty. The floor covered with pillows and blankets, making it comfortable to sit on the ground rather than the couch; it was a good call considering how small this couch was in comparison to theirs, Hoseok probably would only be able to fit half of his ass on it. Besides why would he choose the couch when he had his boyfriend already waiting open arms on floor, “The Lion King” ready to play in the tv in front of them, lights already dim and ready.  With an adoring smile he wobbled his way into the floor, sitting down with a loud thud and a long exhale of breath; automatically his boyfriend began to serve him a large portion and set on top of his massive stomach. It pulled down enough for his overhang to be completely settled on the floor covering his crotch; which was also being squished between the fat of his thighs which he had to have spread for ther eot be room for his overflowing stomach. He began to eat happily, one hand bringing food into his parted lipos and the other holding him up from behind; though his flabby arm got tired and he had to push himself backwards against the couch, his whole body jiggling violently with the movement.

He finished his serving quite quickly, and his appetite had changed drastically over the last couple of years, so he pushed himself forward to get a second. Though he finished that one at amazing speed too, so he had to move again to get his third; but by the forth serving Hoseok was growing tired of moving forward and back constantly and eye his boyfriend who had an arm over his shoulder and another hand mindlessly on his not yet bloated stomach. All it took was a slight cough from the younger and Seokjin is already bringing the pot near them to serve him his fifth serving of stew. There was nearly half of the pot left, though Hoseok kept up a fast pace until his seventh serving, he was feeling a little full, his stomach hardening on the slightest; yet this isn’t a worry on the younger’s mind as the large kept it’s steady rhythm tracing circles around the expanse of fat. It was on the eight serving where he had to take a break, his breathing reduced to heavy intakes of air; signalling silently for hs boyfriend to bring him one of the bottles of soda, not needing to be told to help him hold it the older did anyways; knowing Hoseok’s arms would only resist so long, long crooked fingers placed firmly on top of chubby ones as the younger gulped down.  There was less than half the bottle left, and his stomach had expanded ridiculously almost no fat left to squish; a loud whine made it past his oily lips before the younger could restrain it.

“Aw, Hoseokie, we both know there is still room left.” He left no time for the other to respond as a hand sneaked its way under the tight shirt and began pressing at the sides, massaging the pain away strongly. It took a couple of minutes but the younger finally felt a wave of hunger go through him because of the smell of the stew that is yet to be eaten inside the pot.

“I’m ready.” He stated quietly, though this time he didn’t move to grab Seokjin’s hand with the next serving on it. The older was quick to realize what he had to do, and pressed himself against Hoseok’s side, sinking into the flesh as he brought a mouthful of food into his lazily parted lips. Neither of them were paying attention to the movie anymore, both of them completely absorbed with what was happening. Stuffings weren’t a rare occurrence though every time both Hoseok and Seokjin got completely lost in it; the younger shivered with the feeling of hot stew slipping down his throat easily, warm all over because of their overeating, and Seokjin’s hot breath on his thick neck. A deep brush tainted his cheeks as he panted, poking his eyes open at the lack of food being sent his way, only to be found with an empty pot.

“I think this was meant to last us the entire week.” Seokjin’s says breathless, the younger knew he was excited by this too. They both acknowledged it, though never spoke of it. He felt the same way too, and even though Hoseok did spend a lot of his time eating and Seokjin feeding him; never like this. Not hours of stuffing that left both of them breathless, they both knew the other wanted that, though they never found the time. That was until they were asked to look out for the Jung parents’ house, all alone for an entire week. Maybe this week wouldn’t be so bad.

And he had been right, it was in this week were both lovers discovered the very wonders of feederism; testing the younger’s limits on every meal which had him on a constant state of fullness and laziness. Tonight was their last diner in the house before they had to leave the house. Seokjin was currently out, looking for all of their orders at the various restaurants Hoseok had ordered form. Not so much to their surprise, they had finished all of the food Hoseok’s parents had left them by the lunch of day two; or well at least the younger did.  Even though his hometown wasn’t necessarily the biggest, there so many orders that had Hoseok’s stomach rumbling angrily, but there was no food left! Unless…

He swung his gigantic mass forward and back looking for impulse to stand; it took a couple of tries but with a violent speed he stood up. The enormous amount of weight in his middle almost making him fall forward, he was already panting and he could feel his hearts speeding up. It took some moments of recomposure until he began to waddle his way into his parents’ bedroom; if his memory didn’t fail him, his mother had a secret stock of fattening foods for when she was on her diets. He sneaked his fat mass through the slim door into her closet and spread his knees seperate ways to make room for the giant rolls that formed whenever he crouched. and there it was the large “shoe box” underneath layer wsof clothes that covered it.

Happily he took it, though all this walking had tir4ed him out; he eyed the chair on hispàrents’ desk. It might not be the most comfortable, but he didn’t have the time to clean the crumbs he was going to leave in their bed afterwards, nor the energy to walk back to the living room. So with a sigh, he laid all of his weight aggressively on the weak chair. It creaked loudly but that was a normality now for Hoseok so he proceeded to excitedly open the box. He could start eating now, and when he had more energy go back to the couch, right?

He didn’t exactly know what he was going to find inside the box, though at this point he was willing to eat anything; he actually had a hard time reaching the insides of the box, having to be at a distance from the desk, his stomach getting in the way between him and the food. He let the desk sink into his belly as he reached over the massive chocolate bar and began to eat. His plans of going to the couch being forgotten  not only because he got lost on the eating and the feeling of his hunger decreasing gradually; but also the feeling of revenge on his parents. Knowing how much of a pig they would think he is ass overspilling on the chair, gut too fat pushing against the desk, too spoiled to be able to wait less than an hour without food.  It was thrilling, knowing how much o a pig he was; he wants to slow down so Seokjin could see him like this when he arrived; but i couldn’t help the speed at which food enters his mouth, he was so hungry. His train of thought had already stopped long ago, the feeling of food settling down at the bottom of his large stomach, in fact he had begin to close his eyes in pleasure, only hearing his heavy breathing and the noise of him biting and swallowing food he didn’t even took the time to recognize. So lost in the feeling, perhaps, too lost, as he couldn’t anticipate the loud crack coming from underneath him. Hoseok didn’t have time to process what had just happened, but the broken pieces of chair sinking into his flabby ass and the fact that he was now sitting on the floor; made it pretty clear.  He broke his parents’ chair.

He felt a wave of horror rush through him, the only thought that occupied his mind was “Failure”. He shouldn’t have dropped out of dance, he shouldn’t have gained al this weight; now it was too late, he was just a big fat disappointment to everyone who once knew him; this was probably too much for Seokjin too. What kind of person would want a morbidly obese partner? And like a bad ironic joke to Hoseok, he heard the door open.

“Hobi?” The older called loud voice resonating through the house. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want the othe to see him like this; so hurriedly and ungracefully he attempted to stand up, he failed at first and fell with a loud thud making the floor vibrate as an aftermath. The learning footsteps only made the younger more determined as he stood up after a large intake of air and waddlñed towards the door, just at the same time as his boyfriend.

“Oh, Seokjinnie, hi.” His voice sounded raspy and out of breath, and he saw Seokjin had rushed to him with the multiple orders still in his hand.

“Are you ok? I heard something cracking…Why are you in your parents`room?” Hoseok wa squick to overcompensate.

“Oh yeah I was feeling a little nostalgic and I know my mom had a box on her wardrobe with photos and stuff though I couldn’t find it, I just ended up knocking stuff over… Haha you know me I can be a little clumsy!!” Hoseok considered himself a good liar, and it had just been proven with the dark look that took over Seokjin. However, he could guess what was coming and after his insecurity break down, the last thing he wanted to do was eat. But if it got him out of his parents’ bedroom, he’d take it.

“Oh, I bet you looked great, your fat ass squished into that tiny little room.” Hoseok’s eyes widen, they had talked about those types of nicknames during the week, and HOseok was actively in favor of them. But Now, all they did was make his stomach twist in a nauseous nature. He let out an exaggerated whine

“Seokjin, can’t we just go and eat in the living room? I’m too hungry to wait.” It wasn’t really a lie, as much self deprecation he felt. He still wasn’t quite full. He tensed in fear as he felt one of his boyfriend’s long fingers brush against the outside of his mouth,  cleaning off a stain of dark chocolate.

“Even after you stuffed your face while I was gone, pig?” Hoseok stood rigid, he felt another large hand press against the top of his stomach pushing him further inside slightly. The younger’s lack of answer only encouraged the other to continue. “Maybe I spoiled you too much, huh fatso? You can’t even wait 40 minutes without food in your mouth. And what’s worse is you probably are hungry. It’s never enough for you, just can’t stop gorging yourself into what you are now, a big, fat pig.”

“Airplane!” Hoseok couldn’t hold the scream that left his lips. The use of the safeword instantly making Seokjin’s eyes softened, he didn’t barge the younger with questions, knowing fully well this would only overwhelm him more. Instead he placed a cold hand on his round heated cheek. Though he remained silent, though his nerves urged him to know and with the most gentle voice he could muster he spoke.

“Seokie, you can tell me.” He pleaded silently although he was desperate. The younger was looking down, ashamed, Seokjin’s caring voice being the only thing that motivated him to tell.

“I broke my parents’ chair.” He stated in a quiet voice. “I sat in it and after a couple of minutes it just fell apart” As he went further explaining the situation he could hear his voice wobbling. “A-and now, I just can’t stop thinking about what would they think, and how disappointed they must feel, they hate me enough knowing that I gave up becoming a dancer. B-but I can’t even imagine what they would think if they saw me like this. Fuck, it must be disgusting even for- for you.” He didn’t dare to look at Seokjin’s reaction, fear shaking him to the point of crying. Though he didn’t realize he was doing so until he felt soft touches over his long ago faded cheekbones, he looked up startled.

“Hoseok.” The older’s tone sounded serious, stern even . “I could never disgusted by you. You know how gorgeous I think you are, any weight, any size. I- I wish I would have been here when it happened, made sure you were comfortable. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He sounded helpless as his dark eyes searched within Hoseok’s.

“It was embarrassing ok? I was already beginning to think you would be grossed out by me.” He said sounding a lot more comfortable in the situation.

“Well, you thought wrong…And…I get if you don’t want to do the stuffing, though you are still having something for dinner.” The older too was regaining his cheeky demeanor as he spoke. And although what happened had left him feeling self conscious, the idea of Seokjin taking care of him with a sesion didn’t seem that bad; the thought of gentle hands and caring words took over his head as he answered almost automatically.

“No no! Actually, I would really like that.” His words came out desesperante at first and then became shy and embarrassed, though his words caused a wide grin to his boyfriend’s face. He passed all the bag orders into one hand, which honestly seemed to be straining his slim fingers and with the other he extended it fo Hoseok to grab. Holding onto it tightly they walked together through the thin corridors into the living room. The younger sitting with a heavy exhale, the loud creak of the couch brought back memories of what had just happened minutes ago., though luckily, Seokjin wa squickly next to him, all orders splayed out on the coffee table a careful hand caressing his chubby cheek.

“What would you like to start with baby?” His voice was so soft, the older clearly understood what Hoseok needed instead of their ordinary rather more intense stuffings. And Hoseok was grateful for that.

“With the chicken.” The younger’s voice came out equally quiet. ANd no more words were needed as Seokjin reached out onto the table grabbing the dish and bringing mouthfuls into his boyfriend’s lips; their pace was slow and steady. The older’s nose brushing against Hoseok’s flabby cheek, nuzzling closer to his side with each bite. It wasn’t long until he finished the plate, lips oily with grease, though Seokjin didn’t seem to mind as he kissed him sweetly.

“You are doing so good already Hobi. So good for me. How’s your stomach feeling?” Hoseok is only able to answer with a low whine, chubby fingers reaching out to the center of his stomach, where his fingers met Seokjin’s. “No,no. Let me take care of you.” And with a tight squeeze to the younger’s hand, he continued rubbing circles all along the top of the massive dome lightly. Hoseok didn’t feel that full, though it helped to take things slowly and gently. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, him leaning back relaxing enough to have his eyes closed  as Seokjin’s hands found each their way to knead they doughty flesh. Quiet hums escaped his lips under the pressure of the older’s hands. Until they stopped moving, and  suddenly he felt a warm breath against his ear. “What next love?” Hoseok peaked his eyes opened and analized what was  before him. Avoiding to look at his boyfriend knowing fully well the rosey tinted his face would have under the use of that type of nicknames.

“Pork please.” His voice was cheerful once again, which only gave Seokjin more motivation to reach out and began feeding him, still slowly yet the atmosphere had changed; the air seemed lighter and it had seemed as if the chair incident had been forgotten. The older leaned in to spread light kisses over all of Hoseok’s soft shoulder; which earnt as a result contagious giggles from the other. Though he was quick to shut up when the food was brought to his mouth. This time, a lot more open than when they had first started the stuffing, the younger hummed in approval; could be because of the taste of the food, or because Seokjin’s kisses to his body had become sloppy and slow. The feeling of tightness was taking over Hoisoek’s expanded middle, ever so slightly he whined and took the plate from Seokjin’s hands, earning a confused glance. “I-I’ll go one, but, rub my stomach?” He didn’t sound desperate though, the way his face scrunched up in pleasure once the older began massaging his dome was enough.

“Of course baby, you know how much I love taking care of you. Seeing you treat yourself,  eat to your heart’s content; it makes me so happy Seokie.”  Long fingers groped gently the large overhang of Hoseok’s stomach, whilst the other hand rubbed circles all over the middle strongly. Warm words encouraged the younger to speed up his pace as he ate his way through the second dish, finishing it quickly. Seokjin’s eyes were on him constantly, looking mesmerized as he saw his boyfriend eat. “What next sweetheart?” There were only two more dishes left before going into desserts, so there wasn’t that much choice.  

“Pass me the stake and I’ll eat the burger last.”  And instantly he had the dish placed carefully on the top of his large stomach. He began to eat, his pace even quicker than before, a rush of motivation getting to him. Of course his boyfriend noticed, acknowledging HOseok’’s efforts with a tight squeeze to his thick love handles.

“You are finishing them so fast, ‘m so proud. You are doing amazing baby, enjoying yourself to the fullest, well fed; taken care of, that’s what you deserve. “ Gentle words came along with a burger set in front of him. Hoseok was already feeling properly full by now, pace still fast though not as willingly. He bit into the large burger and moaned around it, the flavour of the burger mixing with the way Seokjin’s strong hands roamed and groped all over him, sending him waves of pleasure. The younger’s eyes were half lidded, his breathing has become heavy and a thin layer of sweat covered his entire mass. Though finishing the burger was becoming hard, his  stomach had hardened to its majority which lead to a lethargic lazy pace of eating. He counted the bites left for him to finish it, and once he did, he was saddened at the lost of not only Seokjin’s hands over his body but the warmth of his body next to him. The older was bringing the two desserts that they had ordered onto the couch, occupying the space where Seokjin had formerly been sitting; and with that he happily sat on Hoseok’s lap, slim torso pushing against hard dome earning a loud moan from both of them. “Your stomach is so hard, you ate so much, Seokie. You did so well, how about we mix both the ice cream and the cake for you to drink huh? How does that sound?” Seokjin’s voice remained gentle and caring, HOseok keened at the praise nodding desperately at the amazing suggestion. The older stood up and walked the kitchen where the noise of the blender could be heard. Quickly the weight of his tall boyfriend was again on his laps as he handed him the large glass with a straw, holding it with both hands as he drank it easily. The feeling of cold liquid sliding down his throat, made his entire body relax. Seokjin took both of his free hands as an opportunity hands caressing and pressing onto the places he saw impacted Hoseok the most, the younger had his full attention as he saw his expression change when he pressed his side or the top of his stomach. Though he found the sweet post once he saw Hoseok’s face scrunch up when he groped and jiggled strongly the overhang of his massive stomach. With both hands at the bottom, he leaned down and began to spread kisses all over the clothed dome, in between kisses soft caring murmurs made their way past Seokjin’s full lips. “So good Hobi, so good for me. You are so beautiful, so stunning.” Hoseok’s  face heated up at the encouraging words, motivating him to finish his dessert even though he felt to his limit. With a big intake of air, he swallowed what was left of his milkshake; he finished and his stomach was throbbing, making him scrunch his face up in pain and not pleasure. Though no words were needed as Seokjin’s expert hands pushed his sides inwards with slight strength, leaning in for his boyfriends chocolate lips, the sweet taste of what he had just eaten taking over his own mouth. Their kiss started quick and chaste but grew sloppy and slow, with the only interventions being the older praise.

“You did amazing Hoseok, I’m so proud of you. My beautiful, boyfriend, did so good, so full and happy just for me…We’ll have to get them a new chair though.”

[unproduciblesmackdown]

tfw hating life enough for a reeadmooore

‪yesterday afternoon i’d blocked out 3 pgs in my sketchbook & by that night i was thinking like well i’m so close to finished the sketchbook finally (ive been using it about a yr and a half by now) that i could just stop drawing when i hit the end there‬

but i’d mentioned the impending end of my sketchbook space a friend is already in the process of sending over some they havent ever used so that will at least mean if i stop drawing it’ll just have to be because i want to lol

like in this case it’s special b/c of course i’ve had periods where i’m like smh what if i just don’t draw anymore, but that’s tended to be about being frustrated w some element or other of it all. this time it was mostly just that every day of my life i have a tiny bit less motivation or energy or etc. yesterday i was thinking all day about offing myself, which i’d done the day before, and done today too

like, it’s nothing new, i’ve been hating being alive and wanting to kms and only moving in the direction of less disappointment to more disappointment and having to care less about things i previously cared about because for one reason or another things get to a point where it only adds frustration to my life anymore

but despite depression and wanting to die and life being miserble all being Not New, that doesn’t mean that it doesnt matter anymore, because after day after day after day after day after day of it for years and years, you’re in a worse place than you were a while back, even if you do feel the same. even a single day of wishing you were dead the whole time is shitty enough. feeling overall like even if you’re in a good mood now, you know your life is trash and you’re going to go back to feeling bad soon, is also shitty enough

like the thing that drawing had going for me is that, like reading and writing sometimes and even some other shit, it’s something i like to do. i do it for myself, really. but it helps that its the way i trick ppl into being here in the first place to see anything i’m talking about. i have really crap appeal. i mean i’m bad at being appealing thru shit i draw, but it’s still way more of something anybody wants vs like five yrs worth of my text posts. like...i have over 10x more followers than i did on a blog where i rarely drew anything ever

but anyways despite me drawing b/c i enjoy it, i enjoy enjoying things less. always in the middle of that “loss of interest in pleasure” life lol.......it doesn’t really matter how long i do or don’t keep drawing, b/c i mean, it doesn’t much matter to me whether i’m having fun or not. i can be enjoying drawing and still wanting to die, because that’s whats happening lol.....nothing that’s a personal factor of my life is all that important to me, because my personal existence is not that important to the person living it

also it sure hasnt helped that my sense of things like whether my life can get better or i’ll have the opportunity to pursue my nonexistent dreams or live an ideal version of my life that also doesn’t exist are all at all-time lows and only just getting lower day by week by month by year. the only way i can even look at cheering myself up is from a day-to-day perspective. and i can have a slightly more fun day than usual and then be extra down on the very next day b/c of how being a bit less numb means you’re crap-feeling emotions are now game too. and i’m very aware of how, if you’re not in a position that insulates you enough, if things get worse for you, that makes “things getting worse for you” more likely, and it’s an exponential drop that gets harder and harder to climb out of, and even if you move back up a notch out of good luck, you’re still just as likely to be knocked back down to where you were. the odds of me suddenly not only not fucking hating being alive but also having a life that doesnt fucking make me hate being alive? that’s a funny joke

‪also it’s frustrating that whether i feel good or miserable on any given day only really exists if i say something about it in a post like this lol... like i might feel awful one day but if i dont have it in me to spend ages writing about it, which is difficult also b/c putting feelings into words where ppl will only fully Get It if they’ve felt that way too, anyways if i dont write about how shitty i feel and post it then maybe later on when i’m feeling a little better or feeling a different kind of shitty, i also won’t be interested in being like “oh btw i felt awful the other day.” and if i don’t mention it, as far as everyone in the world knows, it was never a thing that happened, so it might as well not have. i mean, as a person i might as well not be happening, especially since i don’t want me to be happening lol‬

and like i was saying to someone the other day, its a lot harder via text to talk about shit b/c like, if you’re with a friend in person, you can talk abt boring or silly things and its easy and makes a good conversation. whereas talking via twitter means it would be clunky and time consuming to layout exactly had empty and depressing my existence is, and silly shit isn’t even worth the energy when you’re having a convo w lengthy gaps in it, so you can only really talk about the broadest, most interesting shit. which i don’t have much of, oh well

i do like talking and talking to people actually, it’s just rough when it’s all a few ppl online, even though i alsp extremely appreciate those people and enjoy the talking. it’s like, chatting to ppl online is like a piece of chocolate cake. it’s delicious and you love it, but it would be amazing if it was the extra bonus on top of getting solid meals every day, instead of it being the only thing you have to eat and you get it maybe once or twice a week and it’s still wonderful and is all the more valuable for it, but it isnt the same as getting enough to eat always, or Knowing you’ll keep getting enough to eat

anyways my social life is always its own special kind of depressing, even when i AM in the same place as friends. you’d have a hard time finding a situation where the concept of What I Have To Say seems interesting or even relevant to other ppl. and im not sure i’ve ever been in groups where i feel totally comfortable with everyone there and don’t feel out of place. so talking about the idea of knowing you always have access to someone to talk to or be with in person or having friends who you know you can hang out with and they actually like you and you still expect to have them a few yrs down the road—all that’s always been a “well, in theory i mean” or “at least, i imagine it would be like that” issue for me

tbh i generally feel the most comfortable enjoying myself when i do something alone; maybe it’s because i have more experience of ppl im around treating me really shittily than treating me well

ohhhhhh wellllllllllllllll what else do i have to talk about. hmmm the fact that feeling like i wanna die only seems to be regarded as an issue of “well are you gonna or not,” aka if you havent its a Victory and a happy situation instead of it being a matter of EVERY DAY I’M A CONSCIOUS ORGANISM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION FOR AT LEAST THE LAST HALF OF IT

like how heartwarming that i’ve been actively suicidal for how many years? 6? 8? but i havent yet!! i always want to but just never get around to it and so this time for sure lol no more fooling around!! oh dammit and there goes another birthday still alive. like this is some elusive new years resolution or novel i mean to write.

funny i mention it because there’s practically nothing anymore that i want to do. even if i THOUGHT my life would ever become okay, i want fuckall out of it. i only exist, baby............and it’s like i said earlier, whenever i try to come up with a sad amount of potential motivations NOT to die, i have to realize that none of the shit is actually for me, or directly about me, or centered on me. like, this shit lost its charm ages ago.

well anyways. i suppose thats all i can think to say now. and it doesn’t make a difference whether i talk about my shitass existence and how crap i feel or not. it just gives the chance for a bit of it to exist in the world via a few other ppl being aware of it for a few minutes maybe, because who DOESNT want to thoroughly read a shit essay by some random weirdo about how everything sucks. the end

[thegirlandtheknight]

[started at // 04:03 am] UK

Okay tumblr its time for me to rant....

Sorry if i get side tracked, just put up with me and this is rant based on the people i have met and my personal opinion you are in no obligations to agree just read it at least before you come up with a verdict 🤗

Also just to put this out there punctuation/ grammar and spelling may not be on point but cut me some slack its late..or early..depends anywaysss :))

Why am i not allowed to vote?.....Okay so here in the UK we have our GCSEs which determine a huge factor of our lives and we make this life changing choice at 16. But get this we arent even allowed to vote at 16 in england (which is where i am) , so yes im telling you that The government is saying at 16 'yes,you are able to chose how you want to spend your life and what you want to do' BUT 'no, you are not old enough to chose how you want the country that you spend that life in to be like', sorry but let me just do a double take, surely i should be able to vote about the country i live in before im able to chose a path that i may take for the rest of my life??? Or is it just me.

They are telling me that The government which is full of mostly older generations are still telling the young people how we want our world to be , like no boomer you are gonna kick the bucket sooner or later dont leave us with a messed up world, please fix it so our generation can fix it more for future generations rather than leaving it messed up so we have to fix YOUR mess and then those generations have to fix what we didnt get to , because at this rate we will never improve fully..now will we.

I am not gonna stand here and act like i know what they go through because yes, deciding for a country must be hard, heck i cant even decide for myself half the time but i just think if the people in power decided to focus on something important and life changing by 2 decades alot more could be solved and achieved. Like come on UK!! stop crying about childrens sugar inakes and start handling the hate crimes. I believe If racism was stressed at the begining about how its wrong and we should grow up, things would be better. Okay yes, we would still have racism being a thing i am in no means saying we would all be normal all cherries and cream no course not! but surely it would be less of a problem if it was talked about more. Racisim isnt a naughty word okay LETS TALK ABOUT IT.

For example, No baby is born racist, sexist or anything really, babies are literally blank pieces of paper, that some grown ups just decide to scribble on and hope for the best. You can tell a child what it did was wrong and explain the seriousness then it doesnt do the same mistake, if you tell the child thats its wrong but dont go into depth it doesnt know the seriousness and will do if again for sure. Honestly in this day and age there is alot of things that if they were battled as soon as they started it would have saved alot more time and less heartshifts than giving up and deciding to treat it like an essay and try again later when you can be bothered.

One of those things is RACISIM which still happens madly enough. You maybe thinking 'yeah yeah we have heard this before' but hear me out.

So many people are still using race as a reason for why they do or dont have things, people using race as a reason to hate others like i think tf not sir, sure you can argue that yes, its against the law under the Crime and Disorder Act of 1998 (in the uk) but how can you say its sorted..like the amount of hate crimes that gets reported in England and wales has doubled in the last FIVE YEARS for those who may want specific statistics its gone from 42,255 to 103,379 imagine the ones that go unreported. If you dont believe me or think i am exagerating because yes those ARE big numbers, research it, better yet ( heres the link to where i found the information : https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/839172/hate-crime-1819-hosb2419.pdf)

And you may say 'oh here she goes again' but just the other month an Arabian woman on my street literally got her hijab ripped off her head and when she reported it to the police they pretty much said 'no proof, no case' that is disgusting! and just so you cant say i am biased 1) i only know this woman through her being a neighbour and have no other attachments to her. 2) i am a black christian so you cant say it is religion or race. So your telling me, that needs proof or there is no case..but God forbid you make a person of non-ethnic minority feel bad. It really feels that for white people it is the case of 'all are innocent until proven guilty' but those of ethnic minorities its 'all are guilty until proven innocent'. Im sorry but you cant even say its changed with COVID-19 happening the racisim towards asians specifically those from east asia has just gotten worse, how can you tell a person that was BORN IN THE UK that they dont belong here, like if they dont belong in the place they were born where tf do you suppose they belong, y'all seems to be good and making problems but when its time to find a solution you run away with your tails between your legs..how can you really stand there craning your neck and looking so down on people like really how does your neck not hurt. If i hear another person anywhere tell an asian that they caused the corona virus even though they were born here..oh lord give me the strength. Call it extreme but you judging them all because of what a few people of their race have/ are doing is like me hating all of another race of people because a selective few are racist, hypocritical, sexist and homophobic jerks.

Not only that its kinda sad that a few small minded british people, assume that only white people are british just because they are majority and okay ill give you that i guess.. but why is it then when i say south africa alot of people tell me about white people born there and not the black people even though "According to the 2011 Census, 79.2% of South Africans (41 million) were ‘Black Africans’, 8.9% were Coloured (4.62 million) and only 8.9% were white (4.59 million)"....but i dont hear nobody telling them to go back to their country..i mean im just saying.

How can people stand and say there are laws about this when the law is upheld and inforced by a majority of white, middle-classed men who wouldnt know racisim if it hit them in the face.

I really dont wanna get into the problems black people have to face because thats for a whole other document.

I am not just a hurt 16 year old black girl who just has alot to say, believe it or not i have never been shunned for my race. The majority of people around me are very accepting, good people. I have never felt like im lower because of my race some may say im ignorant and ignore it others may count me lucky but all i know is this is that this is what i believe should be heard i really hope alot of people read this because it needs to be heard alsoooo thank you to all who stayed through and read this. ♥️🌹

[finished at// 05:33 am]

[lady-une]

Chapter 6

A/N: as always big thanks to my beta @tears-of-orphans​ for reading over my work and always having amazing feedback for me. So yeah if you wanna be tagged in the next chapter drop me some love and I will add some tags. Also if you liked this please drop me some love either by sharing this with your thoughts or take a walk over to my messages and you can send me some love that way. If this isnt your cup of tea you can also tell me that lol. I really love getting feedback on my stuff so please let me know. Happy reading!!

Sarah

I awoke to the sound of the front door closing. I groggily looked over to my night stand to see what time it was. It was late in the morning and not yet afternoon. I pulled the blankets closer to my face thinking about the other night. I still didn’t understand why Jay had carried me to my room last night. I would have been perfectly fine on the floor with Gray and Loco. But when he looked down on me as he brushed the hair from my face I couldn’t find it in me to argue with him. The warm feeling of his hand on my face just made me feel at peace, as if that’s all I needed in order to sleep well. I knew the direction my feelings for him were going, I really didn’t want them to mess with the work relationship we had but damn it if he didn’t make it impossible to not see him in that light every single time he was sweet to me. I laid there letting my mind drift to dangerous thoughts of a relationship we could have. It was dangerous because the more I thought of it the more I wanted it and that’s something we won’t ever have.

Instead of just lying there making myself emotional I decided to get up and see if the guys had all left. I walked out to the living room and sure enough the blankets were all folded up and sitting on the couch but Gray and Loco were not there. I went to the couch and collected the blankets making sure to put them away and fix up the living room from our movie night. I then set to the task of making some food for Jay and me. I have yet to see him ever eat at home and figured he hasn’t had a good home cooked meal in a long time. I didn’t get to extravagant with the food and just kept to the basics. I imagine it was the smell of the cooking meat that brought Jay to the kitchen rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He sat at the kitchen counter looking like he could easily fall back asleep. I couldn’t help but smile at how cute he was while I grabbed him a nice hot cup of coffee.

  “Good morning sunshine.”

“Morning.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah. Hey next time make sure you take yourself to your bed before you fall asleep, it won’t be good for you to fall asleep on the floor. You could hurt your back or you could get sick.”

“I won’t, but thank you for that.”

  I went back to cooking the rest of the breakfast as Jay sat there drinking his coffee watching me. I plated us both some food and joined him at the counter to eat. We both sat in a comfortable silence just eating our food, neither of us were fully awake enough to carry on a long conversation when one wasn’t needed. When we were both done eating I went to collect our plates and to clean up but Jay stopped me.

  “I will clean up since you cooked. Why don’t you go get washed up and then we can talk about the songs.”

  I thanked him and went off to collect my clothes before walking into the bathroom to shower.

    Jay

It didn’t take me long to clean up the kitchen and decided I should probably also shower. Once I had on my sweatpants and a shirt I went back out to the living room and I sat on the couch looking at some emails while I waited for Sarah to come out of her room. She had been in there for a while and I was starting to wonder if she fell back asleep when I heard her door open and her footsteps come down the hall. I looked up to see her in an oversized shirt and pajama shorts, she looked adorable and I smiled at her as I patted the spot on the couch next to me. I was a little hurt when she sat down a little farther from me but then even more surprised when she went to rest her head in my lap instead of sitting down. I just looked down at her with a surprised look on my face that must have looked a little panicked because she went to sit up. I pushed her head back down and told her its fine.

“So what do we have to talk about?”

I opened up my calendar on my phone and handed it to her choosing to rest my head on my closed hand so I could look down at her as I explained that the music will be released next Friday and it would be picked up by a few different radio’s here. I mentioned that both Gray and Loco would go to do radio interviews to talk about the new songs but that of course she would have to sit back on this one.

“Don’t worry too much, if this goes well then the next time you can go to do the interviews. The guys will bring up your name and talk about the new artist that they are working with. They won’t get into too much detail about who you are but they will talk about working with you. We will try and get your name out there in a positive way and wait to see how the fans take it. I know they will be curious and will start to dig for information on you. So make sure you have everything confidential that you are posting to social media.”

I didn’t want to scare her but there are some fans out there who are pretty good with their detective skills and I didn’t want them to get the truth on Sarah before the fans could make their choice on whether or not they could acceept her.

With the work stuff out of the way we settled in on the couch to watch some shows. I was rather curious about the show that her and Chase were always talking about so we decided to watch some of it. I was pleasantly surprised with the show, it had just the right amount of action to the story and lots of nudity. I asked her if they really allowed this kind of stuff on TV back in the states and she said it’s on cable and its aired at night. It was around the third episode that I found myself resting my face on my hand that was propped up on the couch but the other hand had draped itself over her stomach was I was lazily rubbing my thumb in a circle motion on her arm. Without moving my head or stopping my thumb I slowly lowered my gaze to see a small smile on her face, I took it as she didn’t mind so I didn’t stop what I was doing.

It was really late and I could feel my eyes wanting to shut when I finally looked down at Sarah to find her sleeping. The whole day she never left my side, whenever we would return back to the couch she would always go back to laying on her side with her head resting in my lap. It made me happy to know she wanted to stay near me and that she wasn’t bothered at all when my hands would rub her arm or play with her hair. I loved these moments and even though I knew it was wrong I wanted to steal more moments like today with her as long as I could. 

I held back my yawn knowing I needed to get her to bed so I turned the TV off and lifted her head allowing me to get up off the couch. I took a moment to be a total creep and grabbed my phone and snapped a picture of her sleeping. She had the most beautiful look on her face with her hair trying to cover her face up. Just as I did the night before I lifted her off the couch and carried her to her room and laid her in her bed. This time she didn’t wake and I wished she had if only to ask me to stay again. I went back to grab her phone to bring it back to her room and placed it on the charger. With her tucked into her bed and everything in order I went to my own room to crawl into my bed letting my eyes close and drifted off to sleep thinking of how much I enjoyed everything we did today.

    Sarah

The week had flown by with all of us in the studio working on music. I was being put on some more songs with the guys including Jay. It was really nice working with them all and it helped me stay busy instead of thinking of Friday. Gray and Loco weren’t worried like I was about the songs being released. The whole week Jay always made sure that we didn’t stay late in the studio instead we spent the nights in front of the TV with some food and watched more episodes of Game of Thrones. I was rather happy with myself that I was able to get him hooked because Chase had told me that he had been trying to get Jay to watch an episode for years but he never would. Each night after we would finish eating we would clean up the mess and would go back to the couch with me resting my head in Jay’s lap. The first time I did this I felt kind of upset with myself when I saw the surprised expression on his face. Thinking I had crossed the line finally but when he pushed me back down I knew things were still good. I don’t know if Jay really meant to play with my hair or my arm but he always did. Feeling him twirl strands of my hair around his finger or when he would give me a gentle scalp massage was by far the best feeling in the world.

Thursday night wasn’t any different than the rest of the week. We spent our nights on the couch and like most nights I would awake in the middle of the night to find myself in my bed. I had told Jay to just wake me and that I would walk back to my room. I was afraid that I was too heavy for him but he brushed me off saying he needed to feed me more because I was way too light in his arms. The way he said in his arms made those damn little butterflies in my stomach flutter. I used to hate reading that line in a book or hearing it in the movies, I always felt like it was too girly and stupid. Nope not anymore. I now knew exactly what they were feeling and I loved it.

I awoke around 3am unable to sleep. I laid there tossing and turning in my bed and I could hear the sound of rain hitting the windows even with my door closed. I threw my covers off in a huff and got out of bed deciding to go make myself a drink hoping to calm my nerves. I made sure to open my door as quietly as possible and tipped toe to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass and poured myself a drink before going to window and sitting down with just the light on from the lamp by the couch. I didn’t want too many lights on thinking maybe it would wake Jay. I just sat there taking sips off my drink and watching the rain fall and the lightning dance across the sky. The weather matched what I was feeling, a storm raging on the outside and the inside. I was anxious that people would hate me on the songs. That they would some way find out my true identity and I would have to leave. That’s what scarred me, I didn’t want to leave the guys. My feelings were growing every day for Jay and it scared me but also excited me at the same time. Loco and Chase were the best brothers I could ask for. My relationship with Gray was by far the most confusing. It wasn’t a sibling relationship between us but it wasn’t one of an intimate couple. It was like we were in some weird limbo. I knew I could fall for Gray just as easily as I did for Jay if I let myself. I pushed the thought out of my mind as I took another drink from the glass letting the amber liquid burn on its way down. I could feel myself getting sleepy and decided to just down the rest before I returned back to my bed and falling into a deep sleep.

    Jay

I could hear her moving around and figured she was probably thirsty and only getting a glass of water before she returned to her bed. I know I should be sleeping but here I was lying in bed wondering how the fans would react to the new songs. Would they like that there was a random unknown artist on their track? Would they like Sarah’s voice? I knew she would do well but I still worried. I didn’t want her coming with us to be for nothing. We all had our little doubt if this would work, the fans could be cruel or they could be loving.

I laid there for a few more minutes to hear if she closed her door, but I didn’t hear the door shut. I threw my covers off and got up wanting to see what she was up to this late at night. I opened my door quietly and walked out towards the kitchen expecting her to be drinking something. When she didn’t come into view I turned the corner and found her. She was sitting next to the windows on the ground with her knees pulled close to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. A glass full of some kind of drink sat at her feet, the only light on was the small lamp on the end table next to her. It barely illuminated the area but it put a warm soft glow on her. With the sounds of the rain pelting the glass and the lightning lighting up the room every now and then I couldn’t think of anything more beautiful and dangerous. Two words that shouldn’t be used to describe the same scene but those two fit this perfectly. Before me sat a girl who has been slowly capturing my heart from the second I saw her on that stage. Had she been any other female I would have done what I wanted, taken her in my arms and kissed her with all my want and lust, but she wasn’t just any girl. She was someone I wanted to protect…..... she was someone I couldn’t have. I wanted her and the thought of not being able to have her in my arms was something I didn’t want to think of. I was known as a player, someone who often had many women in my arms and there is always someone taking pictures to have the proof of this. I’m still young so why shouldn’t I enjoy the night life and everything it had to offer. I didn’t want to get her mixed up with that life, I didn’t want to see her upset over a picture of me and some random woman on my arm. There was no escaping that part of my life, it came with the job. I had to do something before this warm feeling in my chest grew any further. I slowly backed away and went back to my room making sure I didn’t disturb her. This week had been better than I could have expected, every day we were getting closer than we were the day before. I knew this dream land I was living in needed to come to an end. I couldn’t allow her to get anymore attached to me then she already was. I laid in my bed closing my eyes forming a plan in my head on how to distance myself from the only girl I wanted in my arms.

    Sarah

Friday was finally here and I just sat in the studio a big nervous mess. I couldn’t work on any of the music with my head being where it was. The guys all tried to get me out of the funk but couldn’t spend too much time on me as they had to work too. Come the afternoon Jay sent me home and told me to get some rest. He was getting ready to head to the radio station to do an interview with Gray and Loco. I took a cab home and hated it, being home alone was the worst. I didn’t have much of an appetite and sat on the couch with the TV off just eating crackers out of the box. When it came time for the interview I rushed to my bedroom and grabbed my laptop turning it on and finding the website that would have the live video from the interview. I sat it down and grabbed my pillow holding it close to my chest as I chewed on my finger. The screen came to life showing the DJ talking and then introducing Jay and the guys. They all looked so at ease like they didn’t have a care in the world. They talked about the state tour they just completed and the guys shared some stories from the road. Then they got to talking about the songs.

“So I hear that there is another artist on one of Loco’s and Gray’s song? Care to talk about that?”

“Yeah it was an artist’s we came across, I heard her performing and just knew I had to bring her back here to work with us. She is extremely talented but I will let the guys talk about that.”

Before Gray could speak Loco jumped at the chance.

“She is extremely talented. I have worked with new artists and there is always the challenge of introducing them to a song and hoping they catch on. She caught on very quickly and added a bit of uniqueness to the song. Plus having her in the studio also helped lighten the place up. We all sit around joking and having fun.”

“How about you Gray? How was it working with the new artist?”

“I love having her around and working with her is a breeze. She is so easy to work with and like Loco said she picks up on things really quickly. The other day we were working on beat and she was on the couch with Loco and she got lost in the beat. I won’t get into too much detail but when she explained the way she felt and what she envisioned with the beat just blew me away. It was a raw beat and usually takes time to envision where it will go but she just grabbed onto and road it out. I am really excited to have her voice out there for other people to enjoy. I’m even more excited for us to actually get around to making the MV for our song.” 

“Oh really? Do you already have a concept in mind?”

“I do actually, although I still need to run it by our CEO but I am sure he will like it too.” 

“Ok well let’s go ahead and play the songs and we will open up the messenger to the fans to send in their thoughts.”

The DJ played the two songs back to back first starting with Loco and then doing Gray’s song. When they came back they were reading off the comments coming in from the fans and they were all really positive. Most of them were about how they loved the new song and that Loco and Gray were amazing as usual. Then a few of the comments came in about me, they said they loved the new voice and it was like listening to an Angel sing. I threw my face into the pillow letting a little girly scream escape. Things were going good and the fans were really liking me. The DJ thanked the guys for coming and sharing the new music and then the video feed went dark. I closed my laptop and went back to the living room to wait for Jay to get home. I was so excited to hear what he thought.

    Jay

The ride home I was really excited to tell Sarah how well the song was doing and that the fans were loving her part. I unlocked the door and stepped in and saw her sitting on the couch looking like she was ready to bounce around the house with how happy she looked. The energy she was giving off was addicting and I let a big wild smile cross my face and that’s all it took. She shot up off the couch and ran at me full speed jumping into my arms laughing.

“Oh my god they love it!”

“They do baby girl.”

I felt her stiffen and didn’t even realize that I had said what I did. I let her feet touch the ground before I pulled away making sure to keep the smile on my face and not trying to give her any impression that I was panicking on the inside.

  “They really do love the song, have you been checking twitter or any of the social media accounts. I’m sure they are all positive.”

  I tried to distract her, when I pulled her away she still had this smile on her face but there was something else behind it and I couldn’t place what the emotion was. I didn’t mean to call her that, it had just slipped out of my mouth. Everyone calls her princess around the studio but this was different and I was angry at myself for calling her that. This wasn’t part of my plan and I need to start putting some distance between us.

“No I hadn’t even thought to check them.”

She turned around and went back to the couch and sat down while I went to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of wine pouring us both a drink. I brought her a glass and handed it to her sitting down next to her. I drank my wine as I watched her scroll through her phone reading the comments that were coming up.

“Jay they really want to know who I am. What will we do?”

“We will let them take it all in and we could always do a phone interview for a radio station. That way they can hear you and you can answer some questions but they won’t be able to see your face. Let’s not worry about that right now. Just enjoy this right now. Congratulations Sarah you really did it!”

  I brought my glass up to her and we clinked glasses.

  “I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you Jay.”

  She smiled up at me before she scooted closer to rest her head on my shoulder as she continued to read the comments. I couldn’t let her stay like this. Instead I finished my glass and told her I was going to turn in early. I put my glass in the kitchen and went to take a shower trying to remind myself that the space was needed. Once I was done in the shower I turned my lights off and climbed into bed. I wasn’t tired at all but I couldn’t sit out there with her no matter how much I wanted to. This was everything to her and I was pushing her away, I just hope it didn’t her hurt that much.

I was lying in bed for maybe an hour just trying to relax and fall asleep when my door flew open and Sarah came rushing in with her phone and jumped onto my bed.

  “Oh my god Jay look at these comments!”

She scooted closer and laid on her stomach right next to me and handed me her phone.

“Knocking would be a common curtesy Sarah.”

“Oh yeah sorry, but look!”

  I rolled my eyes at her, she was really testing myself control right now. I looked at her phone to see comments on Gray’s IG account under the small video of him listening to the new song. It was the part that they shared together. The comments were the normal “oppa I love you” or “oppa looks so cute” and “oppa’s song is lit”. Then mixed in were the comments about Sarah. They were talking about how sexy her voice is and of course that they wanted to know what she looked like. There were also some asking if she was dating Gray because they sounded amazing together. Others were begging Gray to show a picture of Sarah and the rest were asking when the next song would come out with her or when she would have her own song. They were all very positive but I didn’t really care for the ones about her and Gray sounding good together.

  “Yeah these are good, I am very happy for you.”

  Sarah turned to her side and snuggled up close to me letting her head rest on my chest.

“I am so happy right now I could just scream. I can’t wait to get back into the studio and work on some music. When do you think I will get my own song?”

“Let’s wait and see how the other songs do for now. If they go as good as these two then we can get started on your own song.”

  She threw her arm over me and pulled me close to her in a one sided hug.

  “Thank you Jay. I really really appreciate all you are doing for me.”

  I looked down at her to see a small smile on her lips and I just wanted to pull her close and kiss that smile. I held back and gave her a smile and told her it was nothing. She shook her head and said it was everything before she sat up a bit and kissed my cheek before taking her phone and walking out of my room making sure to close the door. I was left alone in the complete darkness of my room with my cheek feeling as if it was on fire from her kiss. I didn’t know what to do at that moment but knew I needed to do something to put more space in between us before I did something stupid.

    Sarah

The whole ride to the studio today was just weird. Between his baby girl nickname and me actually being in his bed and kissing him I just wasn’t sure what to think. When we got to the studio we walked in with him going to his office and me going to the usual room. When I got inside no one was there yet and I needed something to do to get my mind off this weird feeling I had. I decided to pull out my laptop and pull up the program Chase had showed me for creating some beats. I put my headphones on and just sat on the couch playing around with it. It was hard at first figuring things out but I eventually got the feel of it and it was moving along smoothly. I was so lost in what I was doing I didn’t even realize that Gray had showed up until he plopped down next to me pulling an ear bud out of my ear.

  “Well good morning princess.”

“Morning Gray.”

“What are you working on?”

I tried to close my laptop and say it was nothing but he plucked it out of my hand and put the free earbud in his ear allowing him to hear what I was working on. I watched his face for any kind of clue as to what he was thinking. This was just me playing around and I really wasn’t trying to make anything out of it.

  “This is pretty good, it needs work but its good. I like it and with a little more work it would be really good. If you need any help just let me or Chase know and we can give you some pointers.”

“Thanks, I mean it’s nothing really. I was just messing with it while I waited for you guys to come in.”

“Keep working on it princess and I’m sure it will be even better. Practice makes perfect, speaking of practice it’s time for us to work on this song.”

  I saved the beat and put my stuff away as Gray got everything set up for us. The rest of the day was spent with us working on the song trying to make it as perfect as possible. It was another fast-paced song with a strong base to it. The beat really made the room shake and I wondered what it would sound like in the club. We only took breaks to get some food in us and to go over what we had to see what we needed to fix. By 7 Loco showed up and told us to call it a day and that we needed to go out to celebrate how good the songs were doing. I was on the same mind frame as Loco, I really wanted to go out and celebrate with the guys. Loco told me where to be before him and Gray took off to get ready and I went to find Jay. He was in his office going over something when I walked in.

  “Hey the guys want to go out and we should probably head home to get ready as well.”

“Yeah sure.”

  Jay stood from his desk grabbing his stuff and we made our way home. Again the silence between us wasn’t normal and I was sick of it.

  “Everything good Jay?”

“Yeah. Just a lot on my mind.”

“If you want to talk I am always here, I’m a good listener.”

“No I am fine but thanks.”

  The rest of the drive I didn’t say a single thing, there was something up with him but if he didn’t want to share then there was nothing I could do. When we got home he went to his room to get dressed and I went to mine.

I pulled out a pair of super low hip hugging black jeans that had rips all over the legs. When I was shown those, I made the comment of ‘what was the point I mind as well wear shorts’ but I was starting to really like them. They hugged my ass perfectly and sat low on my hips with only one button and a very short zipper. I paired it with black tube top and a jean vest. The shoes were a pair of timberland boots that I didn’t bother tying up all the way. I gave myself a smoky eye but kept the makeup minimal and tossed my hair up into a messy bun. I walked out to find jay in a pair of jeans and one of his famous silk shirts that was half unbuttoned. He looked like he was pure sin sent from the devil to tempt even the purest of women to come roll with him in his bed. Again nothing was said during our drive, but he looked angry now instead of just blank. I wanted to know what the hell was going on with him but knew if I asked again nothing would be said. Instead I would ask the guys to try and get it out of him.

We arrived at the club and walked in to find Gray, Loco, and Chase in the VIP room having some drinks but today we had another addition to the usual group. Christian Yu was there today tossing back drinks with the guys. I walked over sat next to Gray and greeted him. I knew of him because I followed him on IG and enjoyed the pictures he would post, he was a very attractive man. We were all having fun laughing and having some drinks and I felt the urge to get up and go dance, Gray must have sensed it because he came in close to whisper in my ear.

“Don’t forget Princess, no going off on your own. You take one of us with you or you dance up here.”

“I swear you guys are the worst. I am more than capable of handling myself.”

  Christian must have heard our attempt at whispering because he looked over at us with a puzzling look.

  “Who can handle themselves?”

  Gray took the chance and explained to him what happened last time we were all out together and said that it was a rule now that someone has to be with me to protect me from the pervs of the club. Christian must have found this hilarious because he threw his head back and left out a loud laugh.

“Does she want to dance? I will go take her for a spin down there.”

  Before Gray could say something, I jumped up grabbing Christian’s hand and dragged him to the stairs.

“Sorry about that but Gray probably wouldn’t have even let me come down here and would have demanded I stay up there. I really am capable of dancing alone.”

“It’s fine really, I like dancing.”

  We made our way to the dance floor and let the music take over. I don’t know how long we were down there dancing and having fun. He really was a good dancer and I saw lots of jealous faces in the crowd of women who wanted to be the one dancing on this man. When we finally escaped the dance floor and made our way upstairs we noticed that Jay wasn’t there.

“Where did Jay go?”

  Gray shrugged and pulled me down to the couch next to him.

  “Don’t know, he got a phone call and left.”

  “Do you guys know what’s going on with him? He has been pretty weird since last night.”

  The guys looked at each other and shook their heads.

“Sarah you live with the man, if anyone were to have a clue it would be you.”

  Loco had a point but I had no idea what was going on.

  “Enough of this talk, it’s our time to celebrate our music so let’s just do that. Let our moody CEO go do his own thing. When he is ready to come back and be his normal self then he will.”

With that Gray ended the discussion and poured us all shots. Jay was not mentioned the rest of the night and we all drank and had a blast being us.

The end of the night came all too soon and Gray offered to bring me home but I said it would be pointless and that a cab would be just as good. Gray waited for me until I could get a cab and told the driver to make sure I got home ok. Always the sweet gentlemen that Gray. I thought as the cab pulled away from the curb.

The ride home didn’t take that long and before I knew it I was home. All I wanted to do was wash my makeup off and fall face first into my bed. I had reached my limit of drinks and Gray had switched me to water wanting me to be somewhat sober before I went home. He really didn’t have to worry about me being sober because what I came home to made me sober up real quick.

I unlocked the door and did my best to not make any noise thinking maybe Jay would have already been home and I didn’t want to make him any angrier then what he probably was. When I got in and was taking off my boots I noticed Jay’s shoes were not the only ones there. I stood there frozen for a moment staring at the pair of high heels that looked as if they cost a fortune. It was then that I heard it. The sounds of moaning coming from down the hall. I slowly and quietly moved from where I was frozen in the entry way and turned toward my room. The floor was littered with clothing. Seeing Jay’s shirt on the floor mixed with the unknown woman’s shirt and bra made my stomach turn. All the drinks and food I consumed were threatening to exit my body in the most painful way possible. I made sure to step over the clothing and I knew I should have walked right to my room but my feet kept going. His door was slightly open and I screamed at my legs to stop and to turn around but they kept going until I was standing in his door looking through the crack that was left open. I felt as if I was being stabbed in the stomach with the dullest butter knife ever made. There stood Jay with an unknown woman’s legs over his shoulders as he pounded into her. The moans were being mixed with the sound of their flesh slapping together, along with the smell of sex being pungent in the air and it made me even more sick. Hearing her call out his name was my breaking point. I turned and went to my room shutting my door and sliding down to the floor with my back against the door. I didn’t even bother trying to hold back the tears. I let them freely fall from my eyes as I felt not only as if I was being stabbed in the stomach but also my heart. My phone going off in my pocket made me jump and I quickly grabbed it before the ringing would alert the two in the other room that I was here.

  Gray sparkles: Are you home yet?

Sarah: Yeah

Gray sparkles: Is Jay home yet?

Sarah: Yeah

Gray sparkles: Ok, good night princess.

Sarah: night

  I turned my phone to silent and went from sitting against the door to laying on the floor with my feet curled up to my chest. I laid there trying to hold myself together as if I were to move or let myself go I would shatter into a million pieces. Jay wasn’t mine at all and he never was. He was just my boss and friend trying to help me get into the industry. I should never have allowed myself to get close to him. I didn’t bother moving from the spot and just laid there crying myself to sleep over a man I never had.

  NEXT CHAPTER

  TAGS: @nemesyis​

[drinking-coke-in-hell]

7. Syyskuuta. 2019

7. Syyskuuta 3/4

Alex cuddled with Till on the couch, drinking whiskey with a straw, Till trying to take it away every moment and other, Alex using his power to pin his hand away. One of the moments where Till submited to Alex lol.  

“Alex you cant just let few glares get under your skin like that. Put the drink away, clear your body and let’s just forget you drank and keep counting the months from where you were left.” Till said, Alex’s answer was noisy suck from the straw.  

“You’ll end up doing something stupid while drunk.” Alex got up and looked at Till. “Well at least I can blame it on alcohol, ja?” Till decided to not contiune and piss him off.

Another 30 minutes pass and the four meet at the hallway again, heading to eat. Alex and Nea look at each other. Nea’s neck is full of soft red spots and lips swollen, Alex’s eyes were almost colorless, lolling around sometimes. Nea had dissaponted look, Alex just grinned, “Lovebirds.”

They headed to the cantteen and took their seats from the same spot, that was actually bit far away from other people, thank satan. (nyt tulee mäkikuja fail moment koska en haluu et tää on vaas säd paskaa)

The food was served and it took a moment to Nea ask, “Allu tää on kalaa?”

Alex slowly put the fork down. “oh...” Alex put the fish away on the plate and started eating the other stuff.  

“You are well aware that you can just tell the waitress and they’ll bring you naything else.” Till said.

“Yes, but i dont want to.”  

-

Back in Al’s and nea’s room. Cody took the liberty to demolish all alcohol. Alex seemed happier now. “We have the elite meeting for 3 hours. Till could you acompany nea for that while?” Alex asked, bouncing on his ass on the floor.

“Yes of course. Whatshould we do?” Till said, seemed happy to please alex(?).

“Go show her the city. Get some eyescream, because it’s hot as hell when it’s supposed to be 4Celsius. Aaaanddd.. I don’t know.”Alex laughed.  

“Alex you can’t go to the elite meeting like that.” Cody said. Alex’s eyes went black, nea took Cody’s hand, fearing that he will be flung our of the window too. The veins went black and it seemed like a reddish liquid were going thru them. The color on Alex’s face came back and his posture on the floor straighened up. “Better?” Alex asked, going back to normal, not sounding drunk anymore. “Yes.”

Alex and cody left for the meeting, leaving nea and Till alone.  

“As Alex said it’s pretty hot outside. We should change to casual clothes.” Till got up told nea to meet on the hallway in 10. Nea kept the fishnets on, changed to shorts and hollywood undead t shirt. She felt like she wanted something else ontoo, but hoodies seemed too warm. She went to Allu’s bag and digged thru it, untill she found the red black flanel. She threw it on and looked in the mirror. The makeup was bit heavy for the outfit but what ever. Nea finished it by spraying half a bottle of setting spray to make sure it wouldn’t come off if she swet.

“You’ve got some fashion knowledge there.” Till said as they met up. He had a basic black t-shirt and some black thin jacket on, with black jean shorts. “Thank you, cant say same of you.” Nea laughed. They walked out and then to a big garage hall of the hotel.  

“So we are taking a car?” Nea asked. “Yeah, it’s big city and right now we are in area where there is nothing but luxury hotels and big parks with old ladies and their poodles.”

They arrived to a pretty basic but newish black rangerover car and till opened the door for nea, who thanked and got in. They headed out in the car and nea felt somehwhat anxious with a big almost stranger man who is demon in a acar with her.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do anything to you. I can basicly feel Alex’s eyes burning on my back right now (chuckle).” Till said, giving nea a warm smile that eased her feeling. They drove around for a while and then arrived to Mall of Berlin. Huge fucking place.

“I guess you youngsters like malls?” Till laughed, he seemed bit unconformtable. “Yeah. It’s just the people and masses.” Nea said. She swore she could hear Till let out a big breath.

“So we gonna play a game called ‘dodge the crowd’.” They both laughed.  

“You probably know that Alex isn’t found of using money if it isnt Death Necessary? I thought that we could play with our lives and go shopping.” Till said as they navigated thru the parking halls.

“Yeah. But i do have clothes with me and all? And I really dont need any spare because we have the etiquette clothes. It’s just the weekend.” Nea said, not wanting to piss off Alex and the idea of random man buing her stuff seemed weird.

“About that... In the all members meeting they mentioned that this might be longer than three days.. It’s nothing confirmed yet but... Shit might get wild.” Till said and they stepped into the mall, it was huge.

“Oh.... (kattelee hämmästyneenä kauppojen määrää) I’m not gonna suck your dick for a t-shirt then okay.” Nea said, HALF-joking.

“Oh you don’t have to. Alex does it enough (laugh). I actually enjoy shopping and clothes. Not really for myself, but for Alex. He just doesn’t let me, even tho he likes dressing up himself. So why not to get two flies with one go. I can see you making outfits and you get clothes.” Till explained. He felt bit weird about it too, also he was sure he had someones eye on him already.

Nea agreed and fitted to the situtation and they went to a shop where nea saw some grungeish clothes. Till tried to make nea not look at the prices and almost showed his black eyes to get her eyes off the tags. It started to slide well, nea got few fell outfits from stores and some accessories too. They also went to makeup store because in long run you would get tired on black red smoky eye, right? The hours passed by and they started throwing so good jokes and shit that they didnt notice people staring at Till Lindemann walking around mall with young girl and shopping bags.

“Till! Till! Kann ich ein Foto mit dir machen?” A woman came to them smiling and blushing.

“Ja, absolut!” Till asked nea to take the picture, and she did.

“Danke vielmals. Ist das deine Tochter oder wer?” Woman asked looking at nea.

“Ach nein. Sie ist die Tochter meiner Kollage, die ich für ein paar Stunden babysitten sollte.” Till explained seeming bit awkward, nea had no idea what they talked about.

“Oh ok. Danke für das Bild. Du bist toll.” The woman smiled and beamed happily. “Danke dir auch.” Till smiled and she left.

“What did she ask?” Nea understood from the way of speaking that there was a question.

“First asked for a picture and then asked if you were my daughter (till seemed to have sad and somewhat regretful face). I told you were daughter of my collague who I had to babysit.” Till gave out a awkward chuckle. Nea nodded.

They agreed on getting the ice scream and then going back to the hotel. Nea took strawberry chocolate one and Till passed, as he was driving. Till seemed more quiet after the daughter thing, but nea understood as she heard Alex talk something back in the spring about Till having a lot of children with dif women and some with wifes and he had to raise one as single father for years, then one was taken away because he was accused of puncing wife. Nea had no idea what was true and what not but decided to not mess up on that.  

“Nea my love!” Cody shouted as they met at the hotel entrance. They hugged, awwardly as nea had the icecream. Alex had his arms crossed and gave  Till a hard-questoning look while tapping foot on the concrete.  

“Till you might have something to explain.” Cody laughed looking at the bags that he helped nea to carry. “Your room. Now, Till.” Alex commanded. Cody took the bags and they went inside. Till walking fast in front of Alex, Cody and Nea following the situtation from the back.  

“If Till ain’t sitting right after that, it’s just bruises on his ass.” Cody whispered laughing, making nea to too. “I heeeard.” Alex tried to say angrily, but you could hear smile in his voice. Till got in his room and Nea went with cody to nea’s.

“Are you trying to provoke me on reason? You wanna make me mad so I'll spank your ass or something because you’re too proud of a man to ask it yourself HUH?” Alex pressured him to sit on sofa (argh hirvee flash back ku olin jotai 10-11v ja faija oli kaatokänni ja käskin sen sohvalle istuu ku se ei pysny pystys ja sit se kaatu sen pöydän yli.)  And tried to keep his voice low. Till seemed more horrified than aroused tho.

“NO! I know better than that. You heard yourself that this might be longer than weekend. You and cody will probably be assinged to travel somewhere to do shit and dont get to go home for more than a day.” Till said.

“How the fuck has my and cody’s traveling to do with you spoiling nea?” -a

“Well DUH! She’s coming with us. I’m not stupid, you couldn’t see the heartbroke in their eyes if you seperated cody and nea.” Till

“Well I am not one deciding who is coming and who not. I’d rather see the heartbrake than put her life on death line by taking her with us. We would be back anyway.” Al.

“Cody würde sicherstellen, dass sie nicht von einem Käfer verletzt würde!” Till raised his voice now, speaking german fully.

^Cody would make sure she was not hurt by a bug!”

“a...” Alex was about to answer in hars german too, but remembered that he can’t vocalize german well at all. He had been stabbed from under the jaw upward towards deeper cheek muscels, that you happen to use on vocalazing german and such accented languages. Alex can speak it but it would sound like lil american kid trying to sing rammstein.

“Doesn’t matter! I didn’t take her here to have a luxury vacation but to keep me sane! Her reason is to be my anchor! Someone from my private life to keep me from doing stupid shit. The reason I haven’t killed anybody here, nor went of running my mouth on elite.” Alex

“So you’re basicly saying that she is here just as a tool? Shouldn’t she have nice things too? How does this trip help her? What does it give her? If not a vacation like experience?!” till

“This shit ain’ nice for anyone but those business men with their whores ordering vintage wine and smiling with their gold teeth. We are supposed to be here saving the world from chaos and i hate that art of it is drawn back by this money use and useless shit. Why should we be pampered here, while people are dying.” Alex started to get irritated. So angry he couldn’t really keep calm but neither to do anything else.  

“Alex calm down.” Till pulled Alex to sit down with him on the couch, stroking his back. Alex was shaking as he tried to not cry from anger and dissapoint on himself. He were sure that if nea was here he wouldn’t have gone on rage, but the more he thought of that the more he thought wha Till said about Alex keeping her as a tool. “Am i really that much a of a asshole... Dragging my bestfriend to germany without really giving her a chance, and just taking her from her parents and school.... I-… Should I get her back home?” Alex’s eyes were wet as he looked up at Till.  

“Nea’s a strong girl. She would have told you straight away if she didnt want to.” Till reasured, wiping away the tears that escaped al’s eyes. “I can see that you actually submit to her. Not like you do to me, while having sex or something, you overpwer me all the time. But you haven’t said against her one bit. Haven’t hit her, used your power on her violently. She is the one who could kill you. For the real dead, not just stab you out of your blood and you wont resist but she handles the destiny of your life.” Till said in low and calm voice, knowing it help alex to calm down, and basicly melts him.

“Did you buy me anything?” Alex asked in guilty voice, turning up to look at Till again from where he was leaning on his chest. Alex looked like a child in candy shop who just promised to not ask for candy.

“Of course. But I’m not sure if they are tolerant for this moment.” Till’s voice went back to his normal playfully flirty one and he smirked. Alex smiled, eyes puff. “What does that mean?”

Till pulled a Black leather collar with studs out of his bag.  (joo en jaksanu rajata mut tota.. Varmaa vähä kalliimpi koska parempi laatu...)

 “I think that know as The Order and we as in general have upgraded on better status of life, so should our tradition.” Till took the metal chain off and placed the collar on alex who smiled wide as till tightened it.  

“No leash?” Alex asked. Till pulled out a matching leash with leather ‘handle’ and clipped it on. “Happy?” He asked from alex who was about o lick his face (?????)

“Ja!” Alex checked the clock. “We missed the dinner... It’s only 15  minutes left?”

“We’ll order pizza and hang in your room kay?” Till proposed and alex nodded.