#it helps tremendously that my partner is so kind and accepting about it they are always very supportive and nice to me when im in a shift

[ouppyfoods]

im so new to all of this i dont know any of the terms very well for therian things but im just gonna dump thoughts in the tags

[alastor-simp]

“I Won’t Ever Be Scared Of You” - Alastor x Female Reader

❥Summary: Alastor transforms into his demon form to defend the hotel. He promised himself he would never reveal that side of himself to you, but what happens when you do see it?

❥Tags: Sequel, Alastor x Fem Reader, Unafraid Reader, Alastor Demon Form, Hazbin Hotel Episode 5, Dad Beat Dad Episode, Mimzy, Lucifer Morningstar, Confessions, Friends to Lovers.

❥Notes: This is the sequel to a previous story I had written "I See No Fear In Your Eyes." I really wanted to do a bit of a continuation on how the story ended, so I conjured this up. This also takes placed during episode 5 (Dad Beat Dad) of Hazbin Hotel. Hope you all like it. Enjoy:)

Sequel to this fanfic I wrote - Link

"LETS GO EVERYONE!!! WE GOTTA MAKE THIS PLACE PERFECT FOR WHEN MY DAD GETS HERE!!" Charlies voice rang out in the lobby, as everyone scattered about, preparing for when the king of hell arrived. Husk and Niffty started to sweep up while Sir Pentious helped to bake cookies for everyone and Lucifer. You decided to help string up some welcoming decorations around the higher part of the wall, as well as place a "Welcome" sign for the king to see when he arrived. You had never met Charlies dad before, sparking your curiosity on what he was like.

Your thoughts were cut off by loud static surrounding you, making you turn to see Alastor next to you, eyes monitoring the door with a strong hatred, demonic symbols floating above him. What's up with him? Finishing what you were doing, you walked closer to Al and gave him a bit of a poke on his side. His eyes quickly flashed towards you in anger, until he realized it was only you, which calmed him down. Ever since the confession you had at his radio tower about why you didn't fear him, your relationship with him had grown. His mannerisms were still the same, but he had adopted a softer, sweeter demeanor when he was around you, even allowing you to touch him on certain accusations. You still hadn't figured what to call this relationship you now had with Al. Affectionate friends or very close partners? It wasn't romantic per say, but it still left you a bit confused. "Oh, Hello my dear! Something troubling you?" Alastor tilted his head at you, eyes growing soft at the sight of you. "I should be asking you that. Whats with the sudden power surge? Are you angry about something?" Alastor froze for a moment, hands grasping at his microphone a bit tightly before turning to gaze back at the door. "No." Alastor said it quickly, but you can tell he wasn't being truthful. "Do you dislike Lucifer?" You asked him with a tilt of your head, copying him. Alastor remained silent before he gave a loud sigh. "I'm not very fond of him, my dear. He is the ruler of hell, with tremendous power, and yet he hides himself away and refuses to accept his responsibilities."

His eyes had turned into radio dials, for a split second before calming down, yet his smile was widen enough to reveal his black gums. Giving a sigh, you motioned to grab one of Alastor's hands that was still holding his microphone tightly, giving it a soft squeeze, causing Al to look at you with confusion. "Look, this is important to Charlie, and she needs to ask her dad for help with heaven. I'm not telling you to all of a sudden change your view on him, but please try to behave a bit. Just for today, please?" Alastor's eyes continued to stare at you, before he closed them and opened them again with softness. He could never refuse those kind eyes of yours. "Alright, my dear. Its a deal!" He said, jokingly, making you laugh. "Thanks Al." You gave his hand, another squeeze before letting it go, going back to setting up.

Fast forwarding to now, you watched as both Alastor and Lucifer were having a "I'm the better dad" song battle for Charlie. Welp, you tried. You knew Al had tried his best, but after a couple insults between the two, the deal you had with him completely broke, honestly it was shocking to hear Alastor say "F✪✪k you" since he has almost never swore ever, since he arrived at the hotel. The song fight continued on, until it was interrupted by a short chubby demon, who came badgering inside the hotel. She quickly introduced herself as Mimzy, one of Alastor close friends, and also being a singer at a club she ran. She started chatting with everyone at the hotel, indulging herself in the liquor that was at the bar, it was surprising how much she could drink. You noticed that some of the liquor supply was getting low, so you thought it would be best to get some more, since everything had calmed down a bit. You had pulled Charlie to the side, letting her know that you were going out for a bit to get some more alcohol for the bar, which she nodded at, giving you a thumbs up before she run back over to chat with her dad. Grabbing your wallet, you ventured out the hotel, looking back to see the others listening to Mimzy chatting about before you went outside and shut the door.

*Few Hours Later*

"MIMZY!! WE KNOW YOUR IN THERE, YOU LOUSY BIT✪✪!". A voice rang out as a loud bang was heard from the other side of the hotel doors, causing the hotel to shake. A group of loan sharks had arrived at the hotel, heavily armed with weapons and attempting to break down the hotel doors with a battering ram. The residents of the hotel began to panic as large fireballs were crashing through the windows, nearly hitting them and causing large shards of glass to scatter everywhere. Vaggie had quickly grabbed her spear, ready to fight the loan sharks, until a hand was place on her weapon, causing her to lower it. "No, my dear, leave it to me. It's time I remind everyone why I am h̨̭̹̠̍̚e̷͑ͥr͉͢͝ȩ̬̤̺̇ͮ̕."

The air inside the hotel began to change, as the static started to get louder. Alastors eyes had turned demonic and a green aura began to cover the whole hotel. Dark tendrils had materialized from Alastors back, allowing him to levitate into the air. "A reminder to all, ŇØŦ ŦØ Μ€ŞŞ ŴƗŦĦ ŦĦ€ ŘΔĐƗØ Đ€ΜØŇ!" Belting out an evil cackle, the tendrils had bursted out of the hotel, destroying the catapult, and crushing the loan sharks into bloody puddles. Growing into a monstrous height, Alastor emerged out of the hotel doors, horns growing in size as well as his eyes turning into radio dials and multiple tentacles protruding from his back; "Ɨ ŴƗŁŁ Đ€VØỮŘ €ΔĆĦ ΔŇĐ €V€Ř¥ ØŇ€ Ø₣ ¥ØỮ!

*Alastor POV*

"Oh how much I have missed this!" Alastor thought to himself, as he massacred the loan sharks that were scattered outside the hotel, running for their lives to escape his deadly clutches. It was futile, as no one comes into the radio demons territory and gets away with it. Scanning his eyes for more prey, he held one of the poor souls in his hand before dropping him in his jaws. "Hmm not quite as tasty as venison, but who could resist fresh sushi!" Alastor thought, as he cackled away, his tentacles continued to tear apart the loan sharks to pieces, organs and blood scattering the ground. The screams soon stopped and the only sound that could be heard was overwhelming static and monstrous growls, as glowing bright eyes scanned all over, making sure all of the annoying pests were disposed of. "Al?" a soft voice had come from below him, making him freeze in shock. Turning around in his gigantic form, his eyes casted down, spotting you, gazing up at him with wide eyes, mouth opened into a perfect O shape.

"Oh no! Oh no no no no no! She wasn't meant to see this! She wasn't meant to see this grotesque part of me!" His thoughts were scattering, feeling fear for the first time. Alastor remembered when he promised himself that he would never have you see his true demonic form, fearing that once you saw how he looked, the eyes that you gave him that held no fear, would be no more. A sinner as sweet as you, who confessed to him about everything that you admired about him to his face, shouldn't have to see this. Alastor didn't know what to do and quickly turned away from you, ashamed at himself, until he heard a "Wow!" from behind him

*Your POV*

"WOAHHH HE'S SO TALL!" Your mind was racing with many thoughts, as you walked closer to Al, putting the bag of alcohol bottles down on the ground. "Holy crap, you got very big. Can you hear me from up there Al?" You raised your voice up a bit louder, figuring Al couldn't hear you since he was almost the size of the hotel now. Alastor slowly turned back around, with his radio dial eyes still present, but they looked at you with slight concern. Alastor had bent down a bit, trying to get closer to you, but keeping a good distance as he worried it would startle you. "Đ؀ޅ.ĐØ€Ş ŦĦƗŞ ŞƗĐ€ Ø₣ Μ€ ŇØŦ ₣ŘƗǤĦŦҀР¥ØỮ, Μ¥ Đ€ΔŘ? His voice was booming, possible due to being in his demonic form, but it was softer then when he was munching on the loan sharks. Gazing up at Al with confusion, you asked him why would you be frightened. Alastor had closed his eyes, turning his head to face away from you; "Ɨ ΜΔĐ€ Δ ƤŘØΜƗŞ€ ŦØ Μ¥Ş€Ł₣ ŦĦΔŦ ¥ØỮ Ŵ€Ř€ ŦØ Ň€V€Ř Ş€€ ŦĦƗŞ ŞƗĐ€ Ø₣ Μ€"

Narrowing your eyes at him , you let out a huff, before walking closer to him. "Pick me up." Alastor turned back around in shock, not expecting you to say that. After some hesitation, Alastor placed one of his large hands down in front of you, allowing you to step on to it. Holding on to one of his large fingers, you allowed him to hoist you up, becoming eye level now. Once you were eye to eye with him, you crooked your finger at him, telling him to move closer. Alastor hesitated again before moving his head closer towards you, his forehead and eyes being extremely close to you. Reaching one of your hands up, you placed it on his forehead, before moving closer and pressing a soft kiss on it. Alastor eyes had widen at your actions, but he didn't move from his position, as you continued to pepper kisses on his forehead. Removing your lips, you nuzzled your forehead against his, "Alastor, I told you before that I would never grow to fear you. Whatever form you take, I will never be afraid of you." Stepping back, you gazed into his bright eyes, lips drew into a soft smile.

Crimson dial eyes remained locked on you, as they slowly closed. A chuckle was heard from Al, as he shook his head from side to side, before moving closer to you, placing his forehead back against yours softly. "Darling, what a wonder you are." His voice had returned to normal, no ounce of static etched in it. The two of you remained in that position, before Alastor had pulled away, bright eyes peering at you with admiration. "As much as I love this form of yours, it would be better if you shrunk back down, especially since you won't be able to fit through the doors." You said with a laugh, earning you a loud booming laugh from Alastor, as his whole being shook, having to hold on to his fingers to steady yourself. "I suppose your right." Alastor said, as he slowly brought his hand back to the ground, allowing you to jump off his hand.

Your eyes continued to gaze at him, as his body slowly began to shrink, eyes returning back to normal slits, and large tentacles disappearing from his back. He was soon back to his old self, rubbing parts of his suit to be rid of any dirt or grime. His joker-like smile was still trained on you, but it was full of tenderness, as he look down at you. "There he is, the handsome devilish radio demon is back!" Smiling brightly at him, you placed your hand against his cheek, giving it a soft rub. Alastor gave you a genuine smile, grabbing your hand from his cheek and placing a soft kiss on to it. Releasing your hand, his arms had wrapped around your back, pulling you into a soft hug, his head moving closer to your neck, giving it a nuzzle, making you giggle at the ticklish sensation. The sweet moment was interrupted by the sound of clapping behind the both of you. Looking ahead, you saw Mimzy approaching, a bit of a smirk on her face. "Oh Alastor! What a fantastic show! Bravo! As always. Thanks for helpin' lil' old me out of a tough spot, you're always such a pal!" Her dialogue got cut off, as some debris from the hotel fell next to her, making her jump a bit in shock. Appearing unapologetic, she looked back at the two of you, "Oops. Heheheh… sorry about the mess, but I'm sure the lil' bug can take care of it for ya."

Alastor had loosened the hug, turning all the way around, but not before hooking his arm with yours, keeping you close to him. His smile was still stretched out as always, but his eyes held irritation. "I think you should go, Mimzy. Now." He said towards Mimzy, stunning her for a bit. "Oh pff, Alastor, you're such a kidder, you! Haha, you are so funny!" She flicked her hand at him, not taking him seriously, but you knew that expression he wore, he was not in a joking mood, his eyes lacking mischief. "I mean it. You deliberately brought danger to this place just to have me clean up your mess. I can't have that here." He had pulled you a bit closer, as he continued to talk with Mimzy, clearly telling her to f✪✪k off. She apparently did not take the hint, as she continue to ramble on, "But you love takin' care a' me! What? You don't actually give a shit about this tacky place, do ya? Come on. I know you. you heartless son of a bi✪✪h~" Her finger continued to poke at his chest, causing him to let out a small growl.

Grabbing her finger from his chest, you pushed it off him, glaring down at her. "I believe he told you to leave." Mimzy did not appreciate you touching her and scoffed at you. "And who the hell are you dollface?" Wow, she even forgot who you were, and she literally just met you a few hours ago, when she barged in. "I'm the one who knows and sees the real Alastor, and doesn't try to exploit him to get out of sticky situations." Alastor eyes had widen at your words, a bit shocked at this fiery side of yours. Mimzy had backed up a bit, not expecting that: "Well I-" "Did I stutter? Leave!" Your words had cut her off, as you continued to glare down at her. Huffing while stomping her feet, she walked past the both of you: "Well fine! Who needs ya!" She continued to stomp away, not before flipping the both of you off.

You continued to glare at her when she walked away, before you got distracted by the sound of static-filled laugther next to you. "My my~ Who knew you were such a firecracker, my dear." Al had unhooked his arm from yours, but he wrapped it around your back pulling you closer. You gazed up at Al, who was smirking down at you, making you flush a bit. "You weren't meant to see that, I'm sorry." Your head dropped down in shame, until a hand had hooked your chin, motioning your head to look back up at him. "I quite like it, ma chérie. Just as you love the many sides of me, I very much enjoy this feisty side of you." His finger had traced your bottom lip, his crimson eyes filled with a strong desire as well as adoration. Inching closer, his lips had placed itself against your redden cheek, causing your heart to skip a beat. Pulling back, his smile was gentle, before he stood back to his regular height, his hand moving from your back to one of your open palms, interlocking your fingers. "Come along, my dear. We better head back inside!" He pulled you along, having you walk next to him, as you made your way back towards the hotel. He had snapped his fingers, using his powers to have the bag of liquor levitate behind the both of you. His hand was so warm. You gave his hand a gentle squeeze, which he reciprocated back as you both went back inside to join the others.

-END-

Sinners:

@alastorsgoldie @91062854-ka , @delectableworm , @iiotic

@cookiekyo , @demoarah , @danveration , @beebsbea ,

@veethewriter , @forbidden-sunlight , @pinkcrystal44 , @luujjvi ,

@unholycheesesnack , @saturnhas82moons , @jyoongim ,

@aceofcards0-0 , @ghostdoodlen , @yourdoorisunlocked ,

@starshipcookie , @ainsliemac , @aria-tempest , @nobuharashinyao

, @sweet06tart , @blakedbeanss , @ihyperfixatedagain , @ktssstuff ,

@yakultt-art , @mooniee123 , @nightmarenaya , @darischerry ,

@sadnessiscoldtea , @alastorssimp , @imacollasaltitan ,

@dilucragnvindr-my-beloved , @batmanmonstarr , @felice-jaganshi ,

@justchillaine , @crazed-flower , @ohmylovewhereartthou-blog ,

@akiooshizuka , @lokis-imaginary-friend ,

@themysteriousslenderman , @huntlowfan , @futureittomainn ,

@christinaatyourservice92 , , @just-trash-yeah-thats-it ,

@angelinevalentine89 , @yunimimii , @staryosh1 ,

@mihawksdemoness , @crystalreads , @blahblahbruhmeow ,

@madam-strawberryrose , @inkslayer , @azazel-nyx , @lixanjewel ,

@artemisandhunters , @thereeallink , @ask-theradio-demon ,

@lousypotatoes @l4zyb0n35 , @midorichoco

@lillyisfreakyy , @alastorthirsty , @yukiinee ,

@daydream-the-demon , @cosmiccoralz @aconstructofamind

@pumppkinlynn @erikaafernns , @silverpaw2 ,

@cosmiccandydreamer , @killer-nightmare0 , @visara-valentina

@thereallsaturnstar , @coffee-or-hot-cocoa ,

@fckedupandbeautiful ,

[waitmyturtles]

I can’t believe it’s over. Bed Friend -- you took me through all the emotions, all the worries and concerns about filmmaking and scripts, and unbelievably, you ended on the most perfect high note of all!

For me, this was UNEXPECTEDLY a great show, as I was REALLY worried, mid-series, about how the script and editing was going. Bed Friend, episode 10/finale thoughts!

I’ve seen some thoughts wondering if episodes 9 and 10 (the run was originally eight episodes) were necessary. I think they were.

The show needed to close the storylines of Uea’s mom and Pran’s dad, of Krit, and of the other abusers in Uea’s life (including Pock from earlier in the series). I think the show NEEDED to set up a storyline about King “caring for” Uea in the revenge-seeking of episodes 8 and 9 -- as the “caring” notion became an important tie-in for King to propose to Uea in episode 10, but had been there all along throughout the series (I LOVED that flashback that happened before Uea turned out the lights in the bedroom in the finale. Showing how King cared for Uea during the garage black-out earlier in the series was so apropos and reminiscent of how he’s cared for Uea all this time.) I think the show needed the time and space it took to really demonstrate the internal changes happening in Uea as he accepted King as his partner.

And I loved how episodes 9 and 10 continued to establish a closeness between Uea and his sister, Tongkao. In episodes 9 and 10, Uea’s family was finally confirmed and clarified. He was going to get to keep the one blood family member that truly loved him (his sister), while King’s family began to commit to bringing Uea into THEIR family. (TIAN’S DAD! Always there for the good moments!)

The yacht bit may have been overkill, but you know what -- I LOVED IT. 

Because! I think, for all that we worried about earlier in the series (@bengiyo hit this nicely in his stray thoughts about the finale, as I remember we both thought the editing of the episodes mid-series was off) -- Uea was just OVERWHELMED with trauma after trauma after trauma. Past and present trauma.

That not just a lot for a script to take on -- that’s a lot for a HUMAN to take on.

So, I think the series needed to convincingly take its time to help Uea get to his happiness. It was going to take a long time for Uea to work through all of that, with or without King.

I really liked that we had a timeline jump of a year in there, and to see Uea and King as affectionate as ever in their relationship. And to see Jade so excited for his friends to settle down, and to see King as excited as ever to continue moving forward in his love for Uea. (Hearing King’s voiceover about finding simple happiness with Uea...I was gutted. My family-loving heart.)

In other words: Uea went through his shit. We needed some candy-gilded episodes to recover from that shit. But I do think the episodes were necessary, because they still touched on the dynamics that Uea will have to manage throughout the rest of his life -- jealousy, workplace interactions, in-laws, and concern for his sister. (@bengiyo, I loved that you picked up on the doom music for King’s mom’s commentary about the rings, because that’s a very WhatsApp-chat-among-the-aunties kind of conversation that happens all the time, ha.)

This show wasn’t perfect, especially from a construction standpoint. It was indicative that the producers believed they needed two more episodes. But they got the job done. 

Like I said last week, Bed Friend is not in the echelon of the truly artistic and amazing GMMTV dramas. But this show carried a trauma-impacted storyline to its end, we got a tremendous and convincing happy ending -- and we got to see two people DEEPLY (like, VERY MOVINGLY AND DEEPLY) care for each other, grow INTO each other, and make family with each other, all while being hottie-hottie. I mean! That’s GREAT balance. 

This show was FABULOUS, and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT. (@lurkingshan, if and when you binge it, please tag me, because I’ll be SO curious for your thoughts!)

King and Uea -- I’m gonna miss you, but I get you back in Middleman’s Love, and I can’t wait!

[ilreleonewikiart]

TDIOBCB ship challenge:

As the ones who follow me on Twitter know, after two months drawing canon stuffs, for this March I decided to use these prompts to make some fanarts of my fic.

This means that next month my art will be again internally about TDIOBCB and nothing else.

However, before starting posting about this new challenge, I think, considering the fact that not everybody who follows me had read my fic and the characters that will be drawn, to provide some specifics to avoid misunderstandings.

As you've understood, this new March 'challenge,' unlike the previous one, has nothing to do with Canon (either from the book or the TV series) and instead is completely centred on the pairs present in my AU fic 'TDIOBCB.'

This Fanfiction is in turn inspired by another fanfic, also AU Divergence: if you're curious about what these two stories are about, you can search for them on AO3. This means that many (if not all) of the couples that will be illustrated will have no logic to exist in the canonical world, in any possible way, yet in this completely nonsensical universe, they do.

Many of the characters and their partners may have undergone significant modifications from their canonical counterparts: for example, in this universe, Viserys and Larra are a real ship, which would be aberrant if they were the same characters from the books, but in this context, it's acceptable, given that the methods and premises of their union are 99% different from Canon.

The same goes for the ship Baela and Aemond, which makes no sense to exist neither here nor there, but here it has been done, albeit nonsensically, to give it a completed sense. There will also be many ships made entirely of my OCs, and others made from pre-existing characters and OCs.

Additionally, all these illustrations will be explicitly inspired by paintings, famous and not, with a strong use of tracing. I won't copy Line by Line these paintings, but I'll use them as models for compositions and poses, and all paintings used as references will be posted below.

I wanted to specify this because recently there has been 'a debate' within the artistic community of this fandom about tracing, so I wanted to clarify my intentions from the outset. I know that many disagree with this practice, especially if those who use it then pretend not to use it, but I have never hidden my use of reference images and, indeed, I have always published with great transparency every time-lapse of the works, never cutting any steps. I don't believe that tracing is evil or a cardinal sin, especially if it's used to assimilate and improve one's skills, but one shouldn't abuse it, and pretending not to know about it is tremendously dishonest. All my art teachers since high school have encouraged us to copy from classical paintings because they believed it would help us remember and memorize proportions, composition, and anatomy more effectively, but the underlying idea of this technique is that once everything is assimilated, one should stop and start drawing without it and not continue indefinitely. Furthermore, this becomes fraudulent if the illustrations you copy part by part are then sold. I haven't yet received commissions of this kind, and all the other illustrations where I've used tracing for poses or objects were all illustrations I did without receiving a penny and that I did for pure pleasure, but I assure you that if anyone ever offered to pay me to do an illustration, I would never dare to use tracing.

That said, the 'challenge' in question is something I want to do for myself, so I don't see anything horrible in getting help with some images that help me set up the composition, and in any case, I would post the entire process. Again, sorry for this immensely long and monstrously boring screed, but on Twitter, it's better to protect oneself in advance

[strongestseed]

Arnolds 77 Lessons

1. Everything starts with vision. You have to see it before you can achieve it. You will never regret the time you spend to develop a very clear vision. When I say clear, I mean so clear that it plays in your mind like a movie. Before I stepped on a bodybuilding stage, I saw myself standing on the podium holding the trophy. It was like a memory — one that just hadn’t happened yet.

2. Put down your phone. Let your mind wander. I had all the time in the world. We didn’t have a television. We didn’t even have a telephone. My only escape from boredom was disappearing into my own thoughts and dreams. I was lucky. You aren’t. You have a machine in your pocket that can tell you everything about the world. Put it down. Don’t let it tell you who you want to be. Let your mind do that.

3. If you don’t see your vision right away, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s normal. You need to explore, try new things, read, meet new mentors, learn. You need to…

4. Be curious. Read books. Read magazines. Watch documentaries. Find a subject that gets you going and dive in as deep as you can. If your vision isn’t clear, curiosity is your best bet. Even when it becomes clear, never stop learning.

5. Decide who — not what — you want to be. Make your vision a part of your identity. Don’t say, “I want to be fit.” Say, “I want to be the type of person who can keep up with my kids and grandkids,” or “I want to be the person who everyone looks at on the beach.”

6. Don’t worry about your motivation sounding silly. When I talk to people in the gym, I hear all kinds of motivations. Some people get motivated to prove their naysayers wrong. Some people get motivated to look good for potential partners. Nothing that keeps you moving forward is too silly.

7. Make sure you know the why behind your next move. I hear from people all the time, “I’m finishing college, and I don’t know what I want to do yet, so I’m going to law school or graduate school.” There are fantastic reasons to go into debt for law school or grad school, but you better know who you want to be. If you want to be the next great constitutional lawyer protecting democracy in front of the Supreme Court, or if you want to fight for justice for underserved people, I could go on and on. If you know why you want to continue your education, your tuition becomes an investment. But if you don’t have the “why” yet, suddenly, that debt isn’t an investment but a burden. Instead of doing something that fulfills you, you’ll spend your life doing whatever it takes just to pay those bills.

8. I hear from a lot of people in their 40s and 50s who have a great family and have found success in their profession, but they still feel that they are missing something. They always ask me if it’s time to look for a new vision. I tell them before they leave behind their job, spend some time giving back. Volunteer to coach kid’s sports. Tutor at an after-school program. Feed people at a homeless shelter. Find some way to give back. I think that 40 to 50-year-old itch isn’t always a sign that you need to change your life completely. Often, I think it’s your mind realizing that you’ve become successful, and you have a responsibility to help others because…

9. None of us make it alone. I am not a self-made man, even though I came to America without any money. Claiming I made it on my own would mean disrespecting my parents, the mentors and early coaches, the training partners and friends like Franco, and every single person who reached out and gave me a hand when I needed it. No matter who you are, someone helped you or laid the groundwork for you along the way. Once you accept that, you can see the tremendous responsibility that comes with it. You have a duty to help the next generation.

10. Your vision will grow and change throughout your life. I love the story of Sir Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest. The press asked him about the view at the top, and he told them that he saw another peak he’d never seen before and started planning how he’d climb that mountain. When you find success, more doors will open. You can find yourself passionate about something you would have never imagined 20 years earlier. Because the truth is…

11. The joy is not in the victory or in standing at the top of the mountain. The joy is the work that gets you there. If you think that the success you envision is the key to happiness, you’re going to be very disappointed when you achieve it. Once you learn to love the work, you’ll never have to worry about being happy or fulfilled because there is always work to be done.

12. Reps, reps, reps. You might think you only do reps in the gym, but repetitions are the key to life. Whether you want to improve at speaking in public or reading books or just eating better, you will need to do reps. Whatever you work at, it becomes easier and less uncomfortable with every rep you do.

13. Discomfort isn’t a sign to stop, it’s a sign to keep going. Being uncomfortable means you are growing. In the gym, your muscles and strength don’t grow from the first 10 easy, fast reps. They grow from the last 2-3 hard and slow reps. It’s the same with everything in life. Learning something new isn’t supposed to be easy. Doing something you’ve never done before will always be hard.

14. If you can make discomfort your friend, you will find that most limits you’ve placed on yourself or others have placed on you are totally fake.

15. Start small. Do one rep of something that takes you out of your comfort zone every day. The more reps you do, the easier it will become to be comfortable being uncomfortable.

16. There is nothing more comfortable than sitting on the couch watching some great TV. But nobody ever changed their life or changed the world from their couch.

17. Train your mind and your body. The Romans had a saying: Mens sana in corpore sano. A healthy mind in a healthy body. One of my earliest mentors, the first person to really encourage my weightlifting dreams, was a local politician named Fredi Gerstl. Fredi supported our weightlifting club and helped us get the equipment that we needed. All he asked for in return was that we train our minds as much as we trained our bodies. He gave us the classic Greek and Roman texts and talked through them with us. Since he encouraged our physical training, we were more than willing to train our minds with him. There is also a lesson in that…

20. If you don’t love failure, how can you love success? It’s the failures and the struggles that give our success meaning. Why would you care about winning if you didn’t know what it felt like to lose?

21. Many people overestimate the risk of failure and let their fear hold them back. In most cases, if you really assess the risk, you’ll see that your fear is overblown. If you fail to get the promotion you want, you won’t be homeless. You’ll just be right where you are right now. If the furthest you can fall is your current status quo, what are you afraid of?

22. Your mind will also exaggerate the embarrassment of failure. It’s important to be honest with yourself about this. First, very few people will know you failed. Second, anyone who knows you failed and takes joy in it — schadenfreude — wasn’t going to cheer for your success anyway, so why do you care what they think?

23. There will always be people who doubt you, who root against you. Let them. You have your vision, and you know the work it will take to bring the vision from your mind into the real world. So ignore the naysayers.

24. Or, if it helps you, use them as fuel. Do the work to prove them wrong.

25. You will find out throughout your life that your own mind can be your greatest enemy. It can be your biggest naysayer. Learning to

30. Don’t bottle anything up. When you feel grief, let it out. When you feel love, let it out. Anything you hold in and bottle up will eventually find a way out, and the longer you wait, the bigger the pressure becomes. Don’t let it become an explosion.

31. Tell people what they mean to you now. I’ve always hated that everybody stands up at a funeral and gives a beautiful eulogy but they didn’t share those thoughts when the person could hear them! I started a new tradition. You might not know this, but every newspaper pre-writes the obituaries for well-known people. Some newspapers have even asked to interview me for my own obituary! It sounds morbid, but it gave me an idea. When one of my dear friends was facing terminal cancer, I knew that I would write a eulogy. Instead of waiting, I did it early. I was able to share it with her before she left us. It was so meaningful that I’ve done the same thing for friends and mentors who are getting older. Trust me — tell them what they mean to you now, and you won’t regret it. Don’t save your thoughts until it’s too late for them to hear them.

32. One thing you learn as you get older is that none of us will get to live forever. It sucks. The older you get, the more death you see. Parents, siblings, friends, mentors. It can seem cruel that the reward for living a long life is outliving so many people that made your life what it is. But I’ve always found comfort in realizing that none of the people who die are gone. They’re with us every day. I once heard a pastor at a church say that they’re like ships sailing out of the harbor. Yes, at some point, as they get past the horizon, we can’t see them anymore. But that doesn’t mean they’re gone. I don’t think we ever lose the people who pass away. They stay with us every day, in our memories, but also in the way they shaped our lives. call it Mickey Mouse. But, I was always willing to try it out. I remember Vince Gironda, who owned one of the biggest bodybuilding gyms in LA, showed me this side-lying deltoid exercise with a light dumbbell. Of course, I called it Mickey Mouse, but then I did a bunch of sets to test it for myself. The next day, I couldn’t move my arms. They were so sore that the Mickey Mouse exercise became a staple for me. It is very easy to look at someone who thinks differently or does things differently than you and just decide they’re wrong. That’s the comfortable path. Why not just try their way? What’s the worst that can happen? If you act like you’re a scientist doing an experiment instead of like a televangelist who knows it all, then you’ll confirm some of your beliefs, but you’ll also challenge others and learn new ones.

35. Surround yourself with people who think differently than you. In the age of social media, it’s easier than ever to build your own chamber and protect yourself from ideas you don’t agree with. Don’t do it. When I became Governor, I appointed almost as many Democrats as Republicans to be part of my administration. Some of the Republicans I appointed were much more conservative than I was. I appointed more women than any Governor before me and more minorities. I didn’t do that so people would praise me. I did that because I know how a white Republican man thinks. I don’t need people to tell me that. I need people around me to fill in my blind spots because the job isn’t to be the Governor of all the white Republican men in California. The job was to be the Governor for 40 million Californians who all think differently and come from different backgrounds. Having people who thought differently than me around the table helped create lively debates, and those debates resulted in out-of-the-box ideas to serve the people. If you’re only talking to people who agree with you, you’re missing out on at least 50% of the brainpower available.

36. Don’t fall for the “Yes Man” trap. The more successful you become, the more people will want to massage your ego. Your true friends and mentors and advisors will be willing to push back. Encourage it. Every big decision can benefit from debate. In fact…

37. Do a “murder board” before your big decisions. I do this for any big interview, press tour, or appearance. You can do it before job interviews or presentations. Get together a couple of people you trust. Tell them to ask you every single question they can possibly imagine. Hard questions, crazy questions. Answer them. When you have trouble with one, talk through it with them, and then try it again. This way, when it’s time for the real thing, nothing can take you by surprise. I told you: reps, reps, reps.

38. Sometimes, everything matters. My team sometimes makes fun of me because I will notice little things like one light bulb out of a hundred that needs to be changed or a spot on the carpet. I believe that getting the little things right is the low-hanging fruit, and if you don’t do it, you risk getting sloppy and taking shortcuts when it really does matter. When you can control something, it doesn’t matter how small it is. It matters because you have the power to change it. And every time you change something when you have the power, that’s a rep to remind yourself you can create change. It’s a rep to remind yourself the shortcuts just cheat you. It’s a rep to remind yourself to get the basics right.

39. Sometimes, nothing fckin’ matters. There are other times that my team makes fun of me because I am so relaxed. We will come to someone else’s event where I’m supposed to speak, and they’ll tell me they’re sorry, but we don’t know when I’ll be on stage. I say, “It doesn’t fckin matter.” Because it doesn’t. We don’t have control. Trying to control something we can’t will only make all of us stressed out, and that won’t help anybody.

40. In fact, most of the time, nothing matters. Focus on the basics. Focus on what you can control. Nothing else matters. I will have people who have never worked out in their life come up to me and ask, “Should I do a push-pull split, or a bodybuilding split, or full body workouts?” I say, “It doesn’t matter. Anything is more than you’re doing now. Just do something.” People will ask about supplements to help their diet when all they eat is processed food. It doesn’t matter. Get the basics right!

41. Don’t major in the minor. There are so many people who worry about the last 5% so much that they never start working on the first 95%. Which supplements should I take? Which workout is optimal? Which diet is best? If you haven’t gotten the basics in order — training routinely and eating mostly real food — you’re wasting your time. Approximately 95% of your results will come from a basic foundation of training and good food. 

42. Don’t optimize. Just start. Stop your research. It’s how you procrastinate. Most of the time, we all know what we need to do. This is where our brains become our enemies. Instead of just starting, our brains tell us we need to research and find the perfect plan, so instead of doing some squats and pushups and drinking a protein shake, we can sit in front of a screen reading about the perfect diet while eating a donut.

43. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of progress. I know a lot of people who will start a workout plan that’s supposed to be every other day, and then as soon as something comes up and they miss a day, they give up. You’re never going to be perfect. None of us are. Just accept it. Progress is about moving forward. So you can only do two workout days this week instead of three? That’s still progress compared to zero workouts. Just keep moving forward.

44. Show up—for yourself, for others, just show up. The biggest difference between successful people and everyone else is that successful people get up over and over again when they fall and just keep showing up. Giving up has killed more dreams than failure ever will.

45. Follow through. Don’t start things you don’t finish. Follow through to the end, and then follow through and make sure everything worked. When I was Governor, there were horrible fires in San Diego, and thousands of people had to be evacuated to their football stadium. Everyone immediately felt the echoes of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, so even though I had total faith in my team, I got down to San Diego immediately. I went to the stadium and the other evacuation site at the fairgrounds, and I asked the people on the ground what they needed. Baby formula, diapers, cots, dialysis machines. I got on the phone and called the grocery stores and the military bases and hospitals to marshal supplies all night. The next morning, before I went to sleep, I came back, and the people who had told me what they needed were surprised to see me. I needed to hear from them that the supplies they needed had arrived. I needed to follow through. Don’t assume things are finished. Make damn sure they are.

46. Don’t do half-reps. It hurts me every time I see someone in the gym doing a lat pulldown or a curl or a bench press halfway. Sure, they can do a lot of reps. But if they half-ass their basic exercises, what else are they half-assing? When you cheat an exercise, you only cheat yourself. Whatever you do, go all out. Otherwise, you’ll always have to wonder what would have happened if you gave it a full effort.

47. There is no magic pill. Believe me. I’ve been around the fitness industry for 60 years of trends and fads and shortcuts.

48. The only shortcut is doing something the right way the first time so that you don’t waste any time on the shortcuts.

49. Sell, sell, sell. No matter what you do in life, you need to learn to sell. Whether you have a product or whether you are the product, we all have to sell something. Become comfortable with selling.

50. Like it or not, EVERYONE has to sell, People tell me, “Arnold, I’m a teacher, I don’t need to sell anything.” Bullshit! You need to sell those students on why they should listen to you. You have to sell the principal on why they should hire you.

51. The first step in sales isn’t talking. It’s listening. You need to know your customer. What are their needs? What are their dreams? Learn to ask questions and then really, truly listen to the answers. That’s how you find the message that will connect.

52. Speak to their heart first, not their mind. If you can develop an emotional connection with someone and understand their feelings, you are already a step ahead of the person who is going to bombard them with logic. There is a time for the logic, but first, get into the heart so the brain is ready to hear your arguments.

53. Even when you aren’t selling, listening is a superpower. I love that old adage that God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we talk. So many people just want to feel like someone cares. And you never know what you can learn. When I’m working on a movie set, I try to listen to all of the different crew members. I once learned all the challenges of

58. Develop a sense of humor. People love to laugh. They like being around funny people. You might think you’re either funny or you’re not. That’s not true. Like everything, you can get better with reps. When I wanted to get into Hollywood, I became friends with a very famous comedian, Milton Berle. I asked him to help me with comedy. Milton would write jokes for me, and then he would critique my timing. (He wasn’t very gentle about it, I remember a few, “Schwarzenegger, you Nazi, you fucked it up!”) The more I practiced, by getting in a joke in every TV appearance, the better I became.

59. Develop a sense of humor about yourself, too. The more you can laugh at yourself, the happier you’ll be. When you fail a lift or you screw something up, practice laughing at yourself instead of beating yourself up. We all can take ourselves too seriously. One way to stress just a little less about life is to laugh at yourself instead of beating yourself up.

60. Seriously, don’t beat yourself up, ever. You need a lot of energy to chase a vision. Don’t waste any of your energy being negative to yourself.

61. But be brutally honest with yourself. When I say, “Don’t beat yourself up,” I don’t mean that if your goal is to lose 20 pounds and you’re stuck that you should ignore that you’re eating dessert every day. You need to be honest with yourself without any negativity. Talk to yourself how you would talk to a friend you’re concerned about. Honesty allows you to figure out a plan to move on from failures. Abusing yourself over it just burns the energy for planning and moving on.

62. If you ever feel stuck, pick three small things you can focus on. Make them so small it’s impossible for you to fail. If your goals are to learn a new language, get in shape, and read more, write all three things on a notecard, and write “5 minutes a day.” When you wake up, do 5 minutes of reading, 5 minutes of pushups and squats, and 5 minutes of language practice before you brush your teeth. Make a tally for each habit on the notecard, and keep it on your nightstand. No matter what, you get that tally every day. Even if you’re about to climb into bed and you realize you didn’t do all three things, you do it and then go to sleep.

63. Slowly grow your goals. Progressive resistance works in the gym and in life, right? After a month, take one of your goals and make it 10 minutes a day.

64. Just to show you the compounding power of progressive resistance in life, if you started in January with 5-minute workouts and added 5 minutes each month, by June, you’d be training a half hour a day. It sure beats those New Year’s resolutions where you commit to training 30 minutes a day and then quit after three weeks, right?

65. Harness the power of small wins. The reason I say to start with small goals is that you need to learn the value of any wins. If you can start your day with three, 5-minute wins, then you’re going to feel that you accomplished something. And you did! Celebrate those little wins. Because here is the reality: you need fuel. Celebrating the little wins teaches you that those little wins compound and build up.

66. You need momentum, not motivation. No matter how fired up you are, motivation will run out. Believe me. I’ve been training for 62 years. There is no motivation that lasts that long. There are going to be days — probably soon — when you don’t want to get out of bed. Those are the days when you need momentum, not motivation. You need a routine. It is going to suck. Just do it.

67. You need patience. It takes time for little wins to build. When you look at someone successful, it’s easy to imagine it happening overnight, but it’s almost never true. They just kept moving forward, sometimes with big jumps, sometimes with tiny steps, and I guarantee there were days they went backward or stayed still. But the trend went upward. I see this all the time in our app. People will say, “I lost 20 pounds in the last 4 months, thank you,” and other members respond, “Wow! Unbelievable!” But at the same time, you’ll see people say, “I only lost a pound this week, what am I doing wrong?” Do the math. 4 months is about 18 weeks. The big transformation looks huge, but it’s

1. 1 pounds per month. Most people won’t get excited about progress that slow — until they see what it means over 4 or 6 or 12 months. In a year, that would be 57 pounds of weight loss. Sadly, most people will never see that success because they’ll be too impatient to see how small wins can build up into huge success. Be patient.

68. Find joy, not happiness. I think one of the nicest things anybody ever said about me came from Jim Lorimer. He said, “If I needed one word to describe Arnold, it’s ‘joy.’ When he’s working, there is joy, when he’s with his friends, there is joy, when he’s with his family, there is joy. I’ve never seen someone have joy in everything they do.” Now, I believe joy is different than happiness. Joy is deeper. People chase happiness, but I think they should chase joy. Happiness is fleeting. You can feel joy when you’re struggling. You can feel joy when you’re grieving the loss of a dear friend. Joy, to me, is having a sense of purpose. It’s what gives meaning to life.

69. We don’t have to be alike to inspire each other. You don’t need to want to be the greatest bodybuilder of all time, a movie star, or the Governor of California to learn from me. You can use these lessons to be the best mom or dad of all time, and I’m inspired daily by all of your stories. If we all took a little more time to focus on how many people there are to potentially inspire us, we’d all realize…

70. The world isn’t as broken as your phone makes it seem. Read your social media feed. Now imagine going to a gym, or a bar, or church, and hearing people talk like that. You’d say, “It’s enough already — stop fucking whining.” But that’s normal on social media! Get out there in the real world as often as you can. Talk to real people, not avatars. You will not find joy on social media.

71. On those days when you feel really hopeless about the world, just go and do something for someone else. Buy a sandwich for a homeless person. Trust me, the second you bring a little positivity into someone’s life, you’ll feel it in your own life. And you’ll prove to yourself that you do have the power to make things better, even if it’s for one person for a few minutes.

72. When you feel down, a quick walk can always get your brain moving. Some days, I wake up, and it feels like the world is a black-and-white movie. It sucks. But when I get moving, even just a little bit, it starts to turn to color. Movement is medicine, and a 5-minute walk can save you a lot of heartache.

73. They have a rule on airplanes that applies to life. You’re supposed to put your oxygen mask on before you help anyone else. Even your kid. It sounds crazy. But I (naturally) asked about it. If you don’t put yours on first, you can pass out before you can help your kid, and then everybody’s screwed. When people tell me they feel selfish working on themselves, whether it’s mentally or physically, I remind them of this. The more you do for yourself, the more you can help others.

74. When I say train your mind as much as your body, I mean in every way. If you injured your leg, you would go to an ortho and a PT and get the help you need. If you feel lost, depressed, or anxious, get the help you need. That isn’t weakness. It’s strength. It’s being honest with yourself and doing the work to get better every day.

75. I need to mention finding a vision one more time because it is that important. It is the real secret to a life of joy. You need a purpose, a reason to live. Take the time.

76. If you take nothing else from this list, please listen to this: leave the world better than you found it. That’s it. If every one of us tries to live up to that simple rule, imagine the world we’ll leave to our grandkids.

77. Put your phone down. Seriously, this was a really long list because I’m so old. Go look around. Take a walk. Find some joy. It’s out there.

[talkingtothetallman]

It comes full circle

One of the surprising blessings of becoming older is that you see people face up against the exact same things you faced, things so frustrating and awful at the time but now in hindsight you see how God used them to make you grow. That's part of the blessing; the hindsight.

The other blessing is actually being there to support and guide the dear ones who are currently standing before the things that you yourself did years ago... and guess what? They're feeling the same way as you did. And it sucks for them, it truly does. But it's also an opportunity for you to share your life experience and how the Lord helped you in that trying time.

I've been an accountability partner with my friend (who I'll keep anonymous) for a few years now, and it's certainly a symbiotic relationship. We hold each other up in prayer, share what God has been doing in our lives, call each other each week, you know... doing Galations 6:2 kind of stuff - "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." It's been a tremendous blessing getting to know him. I'm thankful to the Lord for bringing us together and allowing him to accept Christ and to come to our church!

Earlier this week, I called him on the drive home from work to catch up after a difficult weekend for him... actually, a kinda difficult preceding few weeks. The details I'll leave out, but the gist of it has to do with him not dating a girl anymore. And yeah, it painful. It hurts, it's frustrating, and it's also an opportunity to lean into Christ Jesus more. This was the counsel I gave him. And in hindsight, it's kinda sorta the mountain I had to scale over five years ago.

Golly, it was a hard mountain to climb. But as I turn my back now and look at those peaks in the distance, down below in the heavy mist where I used to be, I can breathe a sigh of thankfulness to God for carrying me through those trials. One of the ways God carried me through was giving me time and energy and desire to write. So many times I would open my old Asus laptop and find a spot to sit there and type out my heart. It was a means of comfort, peace, and a way to point my heart away from the doubt and emptiness, and rather reset my focus on my Lord and Savior.

I still read those old blog posts from time to time. In fact, as my eyes glide across the words I penned so many years ago, I can bring myself back to the ways I felt. How truly crazy! The loneliness, the bitterness, the sadness, it's all there. And yet now I look at those and smile, knowing that 19-year-old Jack didn't know how much his Heavenly Father was going to bless him with in just five short years! Thank you God, praise be to You! But I didn't know what I didn't know, and as they say: hindsight is 20/20.

So I told my brother to find something that he can do to find peace. He's a gifted musician so I pointed him there first, and also told him to maybe try writing like I did. And I also sent him a few of my writings from the olden days, in hopes that maybe he'd glean some small nugget of encouragement. That would be so cool to me, to write something that was meant to encourage me, but ended up with a twofold purpose of encouraging someone else!

I guess that's how I felt about Adam Young's blog posts. Many of them were so encouraging to me, so I actually sent one to my friend. In fact, I even quoted to him part of what I would consider probably one of the most encouraging things I read during that period of singleness:

"She is out there. My Cinderella. She is real. She exists. I pray for her constantly. May God satisfy the desires of her heart, draw her close, consume her. May He claim her passions, her identity, her refuge, her hopes, her strengths and weaknesses, every fiber of her being. May she treasure and cherish her Savior more than anything of this world and cling to His will with every ounce of her stamina. By all that she is, does, and strives to be, may He draw near to her and she to Him."

Adam Young

Golly, what sweet and lovely words! In fact, I just sent it off to my accountability group text to encourage them too!

Lord, thank you for blessing me with a wife who loves you and is perfect for me. Thank you for allowing me to reflect on the path that led me here, that I can remember the many parts of it, both good and bad, and yet still give You the glory. Help me to take no part in the the story, but rather give You all the glory!

So yes, things can and often do come full circle. But to borrow lyrics from a Tim McGraw song, "When you get where you're going, turn right back around and help the next one in line. Always stay humble and kind."

[breathenbounce]

THE GRATITUDE CHRONICLES: THE DOOR CRACKED OPEN

Hello there. This morning as I was scrolling through facebook, I found a post that hit me. It was from Megadeth frontman, founder, and legend Dave Mustaine. I read it and it hit me hard. Here it is....

I read this so many times. It made me think of my own trials and tribulations of my own life. Being cut off from my family growing up so many times. Feeling like I didn't belong. When I was younger, I was a very difficult kid, and I started to grow up and mature, and then I lost my mom at age 23. The dominoes fell back down. I was fortunate enough to see her one last time before I got that ill fated call that she collapsed and was in the hospital. She would fight on for about 10 days when she finally died. After that, my family for the most part stopped talking to me. They didn't like that my views were opposite of them. They didn't like that a person who was special to me was helping me to see a different side of the world and felt she was brain washing me. So they would cut me off. Over and over and over again.

I have never gotten over this as it has affected my current situation. I have been impossible to be around because of wounds I have suffered as a child and young adult. I let the wounds of that consume and I caused tremendous pain on someone I love very dearly. Those wounds bled into my current situation and I believe that along with some trauma caused my BPD.

I really felt the pain of Dave and his sister as I read this message. When families fall apart for things like this, its sad. Religion tore the Mustaines apart. Beliefs and thoughts tore my family apart. I think we all need to accept we are different. Different thoughts, different ideas, different ways to live life to the best we possibly can. The things that people forget are one, we don't get another shot at this. Once its over, its over. Two, we should find ways to respect beliefs and not hold judgment. Judgment is an absolute killer.

Sometimes families and spouses hurt each other. Maybe a little bit, maybe very badly. However if we can find ways to open our minds, find some forgiveness, and have fulfilling and honest conversations about things, we could all get closer and feel loved. However, everyone needs to come together. People have to learn how to empathize with their partners, parents, loved ones; they may have been dealing with some internal stuff. The key is no judgment.

It's better to find a way to fix things while alive and not on a death bed. Sure the ultimate gift you can give someone is while you are taking your last breath and freeing them from the pain that has caused, why not try to find a way to heal while alive? Find a way to have those tough conversations to find common ground.

I understand sometimes a situation is so toxic you have to walk away. However, if someone is wanting a chance to do the right thing, don't turn them away. They could be on the cusp of something beautiful and be a source of light and kindness in your life. I think about Dave's joy when his sister finally contacted him after 20 years. I also think about the devastation as the reconciliation would be the final time he saw her.

I know sometimes we have to take care of ourselves, but I also feel we can't rule anything out. We can open the door a little bit at a time. We must also remember sometimes people struggle. Whether it's addiction, mental illness, or just bullshit in general, we have to allow a little space and grace for growth. I'm not saying dive all the way in the pool, but keep the door open a little bit with a light on. Eventually that person will straighten things out and find that crack of light in the hallway.

But let's hope that both sides find each other before it's too late.

Namaste

M

[helieosphere]

Kei’s yearly 2023 retrospective

cw: long, mostly positive vibes, gender stuff

Since twitlonger is dead I have to move my yearly thought wrap up to tumblr! Which tbh is better for these kinds of posts anyways.

HIIIII welcome to a post I’ve stared making since I had my first cosplay instagram (which doesn’t exist anymore-) in which I just kinda reflect on the year and look forward into the future. Basic stuff! Overall, this exercise has been a welcomed gratitude lesson and has maintained it ever since over three platforms now.

So, 2023…what was up?

I have nothing but positive things to say about the year overall for my own personal self. This was the most personal growth I’ve had in any given year for the better. I took risks, I stuck my neck out there and was rewarded. I’ve met a number of amazing people who all inspire me in some shape or form and I’ve gotten much closer to the people who’ve remained in my life. I’ve become my own person and I couldn’t of said that represents me accurately for any other year prior to this even if I tried. That being said, before going into my gratitudes, I wanna acknowledge that overall 2023 was a crappy year. Like Jesus the world is on FIRE and I’m exhausted of rehashing the same arguments OVER AND OVER again but I’ve remain steadfast and I’m glad I have the privilege to find peace in chaos rn despite what life threw at me which is probably why my takeaway is relatively good things and wanting to look forward.

Anyways…the good stuff and my thank yous!

this year was the year I fully realized my gender identity. I didn’t really feel confident in who I was as kei, this little guy who was just fucking around for so many years, aimlessly, without a goal in mind. But as I got accepted to do my own research, took some gender studies courses, I kinda realized where my heart lies and how honest I had to be with myself in order to feel at peace with my own body. Sure, I still have dysphoria and damn, I dealt with a lot of misgendering and transphobia this year. It will never be eradicated and never will be until the day I die. But this year was the best case of me willing to live my life authentically and letting myself be free despite these challenges. I’ve always had issues of people pleasing and wanting to always put my best foot forward but that led to major empathy burnout. And, although I’m not completely free of my bad habits, I’ve learned to exhaust my energy more sustainably and have loosened up. I’ve become sillier, more outgoing, more assertive, more creative—you name it. This all was possible through the support systems I’ve maintained and developed in 2023.

Firstly, my partner. What to say? Idk, I say a lot to him already and so I’ll just briefly gush. He is the shining beacon of my life. He is the most stable part that I’ve always been able to lean on for support and care. He has helped me through so much, and knowing he’s there lighting up a pathway to the safest point forward has been something that has helped me tremendously. I’m not sure words can accurately describe how much he does for me, especially considering our distance, but I’ve never met someone more patient and passionate about what he loves. He has so much care put into the things he’s willing to make the effort for and has been an all too willing victim to my crazy ideas. He is my biggest cheerleader, and I could not have become the person I am today with his unwavering love and support. He has LITERALLY dealt with the worst of me (high school) so honestly pls just give him props for that alone.

Secondly, my roommates turned NEW CONVENTION GROUP! They’ve become so very into cons and cosplaying with me it’s cute. In turn. I’ve become a K-pop Stan so idk equal trade off? They’ve taught me to be unapologetically myself and to never settle for second best. I was very nervous moving to California alone with no existing support system but they’ve taught me to love it. Besides that, we’ve just experienced a lot of new things together and throughout it, have found each other waiting at the other side wanting to do more and push each other to be the best and worst people we can possibly be. They inspire me to no end and I’m glad I’ve got this other layer of safety I feel comfortable being myself in. Thanks, y’all are the best and I can’t wait for more cons with you in the future.

Third, everyone who I had the pleasure of meeting at a con AKA new mutuals. Hi! I get really nervous to reach out to new people but I wanted to speak on how much these positive interactions with people have really carried my confidence forward. Although I just gassed myself up for being more outgoing, I still struggle to feel comfortable enough to reach out to ANYONE because of insecurities I have about reading social cues and assumptions of good will being taken advantage of. It’s something I’m working on! But geez, thanks to the cosplay community—more specifically the ffxiv community—for reigniting my love for crafting and cons in general. Im for one super happy I even made the decision to start yotsuyu and finish her for fanfest because she’s a labor of love that got me to be bold enough to GET ON A STAGE and perform a fun little skit despite my stage fright. I now know so many COOL CRAFTERS and AWESOME PEOPLE who are absolutely incredible at what they do and have been nothing but nice to me :( seriously, can’t thank y’all enough. This game has given me so many wonderful interactions that Im just full of it. I don’t really like my yotsuyu as there is SO MUCH WRONG about it’s construction that I can’t really get over also because I absolutely got in over my head but I’m grateful people seemed to love it anyways and I’ve come to both ground myself as a crafter but also know I can always improve with time and that I have gotten so much better. EXCITED TO SEE YALL NEXT FANFEST, ANOTHER CON, WHATEVER! I do hope we all can cross paths again! Special shout-out to my fanfest roommate who was willing to travel to Vegas with someone whom he’s never met before irl and have the best time with me. We really bonded and he’s the reason why i was able to unpack a lot of my insecurities and basically be the best version of myself. Seeing eorzea symphony live was life changing and it’ll be an unforgettable night in my memory for the foreseeable future. Cons were the highlight bar none and I am already painstakingly working on another cosplay rn because I wanna push myself and I’m full of inspiration beans. Cons have been a really huge beacon of light during my roughest moments (especially this year) so I do hope this good track continues to surprises me more and inspire me to do better and better with my cosplays for the foreseeable future.

Lastly, a short note for my static. Idk if I need to keep talking about then from year to year but they’re like my second family and although we’ve had a rough time this year, I still am glad I was able to meet them and stick through it. Seriously, they make me happy even if my love for savage raiding got killed because of abyssos…I might not make it another year just cause my life is dramatically changing in 2024 and time is SO SPARSE but I hope I can still make time :) weirdly the second most stable part of my life but hey, it’s cool I’m able to still say that.

Other things that touched me this year was finishing my thesis, my internship that taught me I can age beautifully as a trans person, concerts, my MOTION GRAPHICS JOB??

I honestly have a lot more to say but my hand is getting tired of typing so I’m ending it here. I hope shit is able to get so much better from here for all of us cause goddamnit we really need it. But I’m glad I could reflect on the things that kept me sane because sometimes that’s all I really need to keep on chugging along in life.

Happy 2024 y’all!

[hyunjilicious]

A/n: this request is from my secondary blog. I made a post asking for ideas and concepts, but I decided I'd better post them here!! The call is still open tho!! Send me stuff! I'm not sleeping tonight so let's talk!!

Summary: kinda what the request says, but I was a bit off.. sorry. Shoot me an ask in case you didn't like this one and I'll write it again! 1.1K

As the years passed and reality was becoming so much harder to ignore, you had to come face to face with the fact that no matter how much you lied to yourself, you couldn't keep avenging forever. The first step you took - and probably the most difficult one, was moving out. You found yourself a cozy studio apartment to call home, and despite not missing any missions, it still felt tremendously better to know you had a life outside of the compound.

But it was hard. The days were lonely and nights even more so. You busied yourself, making up stupid excuses for missing out on movie nights and coffee dates with whichever colleague decided to approach you. You'd only see them on the field, and even though it hurt to some extent, it was what you needed. 

This rhythm didn't last too long, though. About two weeks after you moved, in the middle of the night, a loud knock at the front door woke you up. It turned out to be Bucky, who just like you, expressed his need to break out of the tedious routine and heavy atmosphere at the compound, and since he didn't have anywhere to go, he counted on you to provide him with a safe space to gather himself. And you were more than happy to.

That time, he stayed over for two days, and then he returned to his home. But then another two weeks passed and he was back. And two nights at your place turned into three, and 2 weeks at the compound turned into one. Before you knew it, you were cohabiting in what was probably the most peaceful manner you considered possible. 

And then it was just a matter of time until you'd get your own missions - just you and Bucky, working towards a common pace that kept you both safe and grounded. It didn't feel like work anymore, and soon, he didn't feel like just a friend anymore either. 

Weeks passed and this was the new normal. You shared an apartment and were partners on and off the field, even if none of you had the guts to word it yet. And everyone accepted it too, and in the end, the time had come for a small get together. For the sake of it all, you invited the rest of the avengers over to drink and have a good time, and it was probably the best time you had with them in years. Some time away did you more than just good.

But now it was 3am, and you and Bucky were left to deal with the aftermath of the small gathering that had actually never been just that. Soon after Thor walked through the door, the atmosphere turned hazardous and what you had there was no longer a chill night in, it was a full blown party, that right now, you were nowhere in the mood to clean after.

"What are you doing?" you laughed as you felt a weight on your shoulder, realising seconds after that it was Bucky's forehead.

"Let's finish cleaning up tomorrow" he whined, before straightening his back.

He reached forward and turned the water off, lazily wrapping his arms around your body and tucking his face in the crook of your neck.

"I can finish up here. Go to sleep" you offered, mistaking his demour for fatigue.

"No" was all Bucky said before pulling you back and turning you around in his hold. He held you tightly against his chest, silence settling around the two of you.

The playlist that had been playing during the party was long forgotten, his music library now on shuffle. There was a slow 80s song filling up the room, its soft beat and relaxing jazz line accentuating the cozy atmosphere that had settled around your apartment.

"You ok?" you mumbled, trailing your still wet and covered in dish soap fingers across his jawline. 

Bucky looked up at you with a droopy smile on his lips. His eyes were hooded, more closed than open, but their color was so vibrant, holding more life in them than you ever seen before.

"I'm good" he nodded before hesitatingly going in for a kiss on your forehead.

You couldn't help but giggle to yourself, ears ringing as butterflies took over your whole body. You were lost and had no idea how to act. This wasn't a version of him you knew. 

When his hands dropped from your back to your waist, holding you steadily in front of him, you bowed your head, too shy to look at him anymore.

"Don't like dancing?" he asked. He didn't sound hurt, more like amused, and ready to drop the action in case you expressed that that was what you wanted.

"I do, I do" you shook your head and clumsily placed your hand on his shoulders, allowing him to guide you. What you were doing wasn't dancing, no one could call it that, but it was sweet and intimate. The way he held you close, his eyes full of admiration watching closely every change in your expression as he carefully guided you to follow him. All you did was spin in small circles around the kitchen at a ridiculously slow pace.

The floor was a mess, salsa sauce and spilled wine everywhere, but you kept going, caught under his spell.

You never thought about it before, but the love that was so undeniably plastered on his features was proof of the goodness that had been hidden inside his heart for so many decades. He was finally happy, you could see that. But still, he was holding back.

With your heart all the way up in the back of your throat, you wiped your palm against your jeans and then brought it up to his cheek. Bucky instantly leaned into your touch, his eyes fluttering close as a smile spread across his lips.

"Tell me" you whispered.

"Tell you what?" 

"There's something on your mind" you cleared. The little specks of fear in the blue of his eyes were confirmation of that. "You can tell me"

"I love you" Bucky confessed much faster than you expected.

You never thought you'd actually hear those words again, but they didn't surprise you. It wasn't out of nowhere. He had shown you how much he cared about you time and time again, he never worded it before, but he hadn't hidden it either. 

And when your lips finally pressed again his, a new wave of life washed over you. Years of pent up emotion dripped from his tongue onto yours as you molded your bodies together, gathering each other as close as possible. Your eyes watered, but no tears fell. You were overwhelmed in the best kind of way, your chest full and your heart, finally calm.

It was not clear who pulled away first, but immediately after, you pushed yourself up on your tiptoes, your lips against his cheek as your fingers curled into the material of his shirt. "And I love you"

-

I'm always open to more ideas!! Hmu!!

[rosalielesbianhale]

The human Jacob AU that no one asked for but I can’t  stop thinking about

° The books are the same up to the movie theatre with Mike and Jake (except there are no mentions of Sam’s “gang” because it isn’t a thing, Embry is still hanging out with Jacob and Quil, Jake isn’t afraid he’s next)

° Jacob and Bella have a little laugh at Mike’s expense but make sure he gets home safe.

° Jacob doesn’t get “mono” and drop off the face of the earth, he and Bella just keep getting closer.

° and so, Jacob is with her when she find the meadow and Laurent finds her

° in my version of events Laurent did not decide to suddenly side with Victoria because that makes absolutely no sense. He had no trouble ditching her and James in the first book and has supposedly found a partner in Irina who is friends with the Cullens so why would he be doing Victoria a favour and scouting the area?? make it make sense.

° no, instead, Victoria located him and started asking questions about the Cullens and he, trying to dissuade her from going against them, tells her what he’s learned about them since coming to stay with the Denalis. Alice’s visions, Edward’s mind reading, he lets it all slip in the ernest belief she’ll decide it isn’t worth going after Bella, after all evasion is her heightened power; she should cut her losses and run.

° after talking to Victoria, Laurent decides to warn the Cullens, he has a bad feeling after their talk and suspects she won’t give up so easily.

° he finds the house empty which is peculiar, they seemed so invested in this little human and who do you think he runs across in the meadow but that very human accompanied by a friend.

° he tells her about his talk with Victoria but there is a menacing undertone to everything he says. He is trying not to kill humans for Irena’s sake but as his eyes can attest to, he’s had some slip ups, and, really, she does smell delicious. If she is no longer under the Cullen’s protection then there would really be very little harm in draining her and there’s only one witness to take care off. It might even be a mercy because if Victoria gets her hands on her she would not make it quick, he’d do it as painlessly as possible.

° all of this is said aloud because the reader has no insight into Laurent’s mind otherwise and he seems like a person who’s inclined to give the occasional monologue

° he tells her to run, before he changes his mind

° meanwhile, Jacob is freaking the fuck out. As soon as they reach the road Bella guns it for her truck while Jacob just keeps up a continuous stream of “what the fuck. what the fuck. what the actual fuck. they’re actually fucking vampires? what the fuck. oh, god, dad was right. What The Fuck.”

° after that the whole story comes out, how Jacob was actually the person who helped her figure it out, how she had envisioned spending eternity with Edward and how, now that he’s gone, she hasn’t just been robbed of the person she loves but of what she had come to accept as her future. She has never been able to confide in anyone about the whole story so she tells him everything, right down to what actually happened when she got injured in Phoenix. It’s not like they’re coming back, it doesn’t matter if she tells Jacob.

° Jacob is understandably on overload, Bella drives him home and he says he needs some time.

° this is when Bella starts trying to reach Jacob but he’s unreachable. He’s processing a tremendous amount of information and needs some time away from the madness of Bella’s life.

° Bella starts to get restless. Jacob isn’t talking to her, she feels isolated and she needs to see Edward. She jumps off the cliff.

° I kind of want Sam to be the one who sees her jump and who fishes her out of the water tbh. He doesn’t have Charlie’s number so he calls Jacob’s house.

° Jacob promptly freaks out.

° he brings Bella home, Harry Clearwater has had a heart attack.

° Jacob is frightened for Bella after her jump but he also needs to be there for his dad right now and Seth is so young, Leah seems different after she lost her dad too. He needs to be there for them.

° There’s also the fact that the girl he’s in love with is in love with a vampire but staying away from Bella did not give him the clarity he’d hoped for. It’s still a mess.

° Alice arrives, she doesn’t need blind spots in her visions to go and knock some sense into Bella. Yes, she’s alive this time but she saw her voluntarily jump off a cliff into a raging ocean. Before she left she was a mess talking about how Bella tried to commit suicide and she had to go ensure she wouldn’t attempt it a second time.

° When Jacob rolls up to the house and sees Alice there it feels as though his insides have turned to ice. Are they all back? Is he losing Bella before he ever really got to tell her how he feels?

° Alice leaves to let Bella explain the situation. She tells him only Alice is back and why she came to visit.

° Jacob is a mess, this whole thing is a mess, but he’s left with the feeling that he had when he saw Alice was there. He needs to tell Bella how he feels.

° They have the almost kiss in the kitchen. Jacob is still dumb enough to answer the phone in someone else’s house, he still tells Edward that Charlie’s at the funeral.

° Alice returns, frantic. They have to leave for Volterra. However, Jacob doesn’t basically beg Bella to let Edward kill himself and stay with him. Once he understands that Bella is serious and Edward literally is going to try to get himself killed because he thinks Bella is dead he understands that the only way she can live with herself is if she tries everything she can to stop him from succeeding.

° Instead he is the voice of reason: “Bella, listen to me, Charlie is about to come home to an empty house after burying one of his best friends. He will be beside himself with worry and this note is bullshit, you’re a horrible liar. Tell him you’re staying with Alice tonight because you’re going to Seattle together in the morning, there’s a sale or some shit that she wants to drag you to. Tomorrow night you call him and tell him your car broke down, you have to stay in Seattle while they order the parts for you. It might be a few days. That’ll buy you some time.”

° “And call me when you land or, I don’t know, I might worry too.”

° It feels like tearing his own heart out but he lets her go. He doesn’t beg her to stay.

° The events at Volterra play out the same way they did but Charlie isn’t left to deal with the same amount of shit he was in the original.

° When they return Jacob comes to visit her, she fills him in and, let me tell you, he has a few things to say.

° “I can’t believe you’re just going to get back together with him. Bella he lied to you, manipulated you and left you. His sister can see the god damn future, if you think he didn’t know how this would affect you then you’re wrong. And he still did it. Maybe he’s telling you the truth and he did it because he thought it would be better for you in the long run but he made that decision without you. If you just take him back then you are essentially telling him that was an okay thing for him to do and it just wasn’t.”

° Jacob is so angry at the Cullens and really, what he’s saying isn’t wrong. The angrier he gets the more Bella can feel her own anger flaring to life, it had been buried under the sheer relief of finding Edward alive, the euphoria of being told that he still loves her. Now she feels indignant; how dare he just make this decision for her, how dare he not take into account her own feelings on the matter, how dare he prioritise his own concerns over hers, and how dare the entire family just go along with it. They all left her.

° She drives herself over to the Cullen’s house to have a talk with them. The vote stays the same, the “if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not” part definitely stays in. However, Bella, after having taken the vote has a few choice words for all of them. “You all left me. I have spent months trying to learn to survive without you and it didn’t go all that well. I want to join you, I really do. But I don’t trust you anymore. You all made an enormous decision for me, without my say so. You’ve now made another decision that I was a part of and even though we don’t all agree, we all got a say. It’s going to take time for me to learn to trust you again, in the meantime all I have to say is this: you will never make a decision regarding me without my input again. Never.”

° She also talks to Alice separately, discounting Edward she feels the most hurt by the fact that she would have left her.

° Since Jacob is now the only person outside of the Cullens who she can actually talk to about her life, she tells him about her talk with them, including the vote.

° Jacob has an understandable freakout regarding the fact that Bella has definitively chosen to become a vampire. This is definitely not what he’d thought would happen after he and Bella had their last talk. And because he’s an impulsive teenager he brings Charlie the motorcycle, hoping that Bella will be grounded and get some distance from Edward and maybe even change her mind.

I have a lot of thoughts regarding the continuation of the series but it’s already a mammoth post so idk, i might do a separate post about Eclipse at some point.

[knowltonsrangers]

Alphabet Prompt: Benjamin Tallmadge

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

I’d say a solid 7/10. Affectionate in private, but by that means he’s still a bit hesitant in his actions. Regarding how he shows it, he does it in smaller actions, maybe an arm around your shoulders while walking or while on the couch. He loves it when you initiate acts, because he feels as if he’s on cloud nine.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Ben is the ultimate best friend. Loyal, understanding, quite the sense of humor-he’s got everything you seek out in a friendship. The friendship would start maybe over a mutual friend, or through a shared job? Or maybe in a class where you both don’t know anyone.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

UH-HUH. Ben really enjoys it, but would never say it out loud. Imagine his sassy ass walking into the room and just standing there. And you’re like “…hi Ben.” And he just opens his arms, and you know what that means without him having to say anything.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Yes. He does, tremendously. He enjoys domestic life and craves it when he’s at work and away from you. Ben would run home if it meant he would be back in time for dinner, not wanting you to have to wait an ounce of time for him.

Ben appreciates a clean space. His side of the room may appear on the surface as clean, but when he gets into his groove books, pens, and papers are known to accumulate.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

In person, and with his entire heart on his sleeve. He’d probably cry, too. [🥺]. It would really take something explosive and upsetting to get him to want to end things. He’s loyal, but not enough to a fault-he’d know when it was time to end things.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Oh? Probably right when he trusts his gut. He’ll know the exact moment when he decided that he was hopelessly in love with you, and it would always get him with butterflies in his stomach.

I wouldn’t say he’d be ready to drop to one knee right away, but soon enough. And he wouldn’t flake either, when he asks you to marry him, he’d want to get married right away.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

THE GENTLEST PERSON. Soft when he needs to be, stern when he has to be. He’s gentle physically when it comes to all things you, and is known to wear his emotions like a book. So he understands and is almost always the first to understand. I almost classify Ben as an empath, because he can tell when things have gone wrong even as best as you try to hide it.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

To be in Ben’s arms is like in my top 3 things I’ve ever wanted in my entire life. He’s so good at giving hugs, but he may be a little indifferent to receiving them. It’s not that he hates them, but has he ever really gotten hugs before?? Probably not. He envelops you and smells like the outdoors after a morning shower.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Not very quickly. He knows when he loves you, but he has to be certain that you and him are on the same wavelength.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

A bit. A bit more than he’s willing to admit. Maybe you’ve been hanging around Caleb or Nathan too much. Or Lafayette gives you a hug as a greeting. Or his boss gives you a warm smile when he introduces you to him.

He doesn’t do anything. His stomach twinges, and he knows it’s jealousy, but he trusts you. He knows that you’d never do anything to double cross him.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

I’ve mentioned Ben’s smooches before, how giggly and bashful he gets when it comes to them. His kisses are like spring, beautiful and warm and full of love.

Ben likes to kiss you on your eyelids, but he loves placing little pecks on your cheeks.

Ben loves to be kissed on his knuckles, and his hands. Your butterfly kisses tickle him and he can’t help but smile as you ‘kiss’ his injuries away.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Mediocre, average. Doesn’t actively seek out to babysit or anything, but isn’t opposed to it. Children do love him, however, and as much as he says he is “meh”, you can’t help but smile as he swings a giggling baby around in his arms.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Sleepy and loving. He kisses you good morning and rolls right out of bed for coffee. If you have to be up before him, you usually try and slip out without waking him (‘cause he needs his sleep), but he’ll groan and pull you close to him until you give him morning kisses.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Board games, [comic] books, and vhs tapes. Ben enjoys anything that he gets to do with you, and is awesome at trivia. He’d spend hours scouring the internet for a new sort of game or something to do with you.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He doesn’t really have much to hide, truthfully. Ben enjoys sharing his interests, and that follows with his college friends and other friendships he has. He would start revealing things as soon as asked, or maybe a little strained, depending on level of privacy.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Admittedly has a small temper. But it’s nothing that needs to be worried about, it’s only when he’s reached his absolute breaking point and can’t take another moment more. If you drop a pan while he’s concentrating or accidentally trip him up while he’s walking, he won’t even bat an eye.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Every.thing. You can tell him once your favorite candle scent and he’ll buy it for you when your birthday comes around. He nearly has a photographic memory, I’d say. Writes things down on calendars (anniversaries, birthdays, pets birthdays, etc,) and jots notes when necessary.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

When he came home after a long day (usually he beats you home) of work and agony. You had dinner on the table and a record on the machine, humming a low tune that makes his heart flutter. He felt so loved at that very moment, and it was hard for him to choke back tears.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Very. Ben defends you to the day he dies, and he does so in very lowkey ways that you much appreciate. Taking phone calls for you when you ask, and stepping into public situations when you beckon him close with a warbly voice.

Ben loves feeling protected, especially by you. When you squeeze his hands in affirmation, or stepping in between him and his work to get him to get some rest.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

A lot. He can’t get over the idea of getting to see you cry of happiness/thoughtfulness when he watches you take something out of wrapping paper that you offhandedly mentioned once. Ben loves putting the effort in because he’s always so surprised when you return it tenfold, no matter how many times he tries to outdo you.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Duplicate buying. I headcanon Ben as a collector, so whether it be comics or memorabilia, he’s known for an accidental duplicate buy every now and then.

He’s also guilty of leaving pens and pencils in bed. Oops.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Like literally 0%. He’s so effortlessly flawless, and a beautiful human being.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Yes. A billion times yes. You are accepted into being a part of him when you exchange “I love yous” and feels so lonely when you aren’t around. His heart is fragile and much more so than he’s willing to admit, so when you aren’t with him he looses his own sense of wholeness.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

While Ben is by no means scary-looking, he can be very intimating. He does not hesitate to get someone to back off when he feels it’s right to step in.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Ben admires people who share his interests, and can’t stand when people don’t take time to at least understand a tad bit of what he enjoys. There’s a difference in respecting each other’s space and things, and actively seeking out to disregard them.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Ben sleeps in socks.

[waitmyturtles]

Oooooooooooooooomygosh. EAW #15, so much, so much, so much. The writers packed a lot, A LOT, into this episode. SPOILERS! This was a fun one. LONG, LONG POST WARNING!

1) A post I re-blogged over the weekend noted critically that us fan reviewers have not been paying enough attention to the connection between the cases and the personal matters of the characters, and I think that criticism is so valid and spot on for this episode. Because what did this case ultimately focus on? That’s right, what we’ve all been asking for throughout this series: COMMUNICATION!

The case focused on ways in which information gets communicated (or hacked, or leaked, or whatever).

The legal question at hand is: the private data of most of the population got leaked. What should the punishment be for this leaking?

To phrase the question very differently (ha): what should be private? What does privacy mean?

One of the main issues that the show grapples with is how Young-woo communicates, as an autistic person in a mostly nautistic world. I’m going to play with this for a bit, and I welcome constructive criticism on my thinking.

I’ve mentioned previously that I went to grad school for social welfare (note: I’m not a therapist, but I took many courses in direct clinical practice). Therapists very often struggle with setting up a micro-macro understanding of the world for their clients. In other words: if Young-woo is a client of a therapist, how can that therapist help Young-woo understand that her own style of thinking and communicating is not a, or the, primary way in which the majority of the population interacts with each other?

This is a tremendously difficult issue to grapple with in the therapeutic relationship, and it speaks to a societal push-and-pull, a give-and-take of our society to offer SPACE and VALIDITY to our fellow humans who do not communicate like the majority of our societies. As well, it speaks to Young-woo’s own push-and-pull of how she learns to engage with society herself as she grows and gains in her adulthood. Micro-to-macro, macro-to-micro: from Young-woo out to the world, from the world back to Young-woo.

Going back to the hacking for a second: it is generally understood that mass hacking and sharing of personal data is bad and subject to prosecution. (Although the plot doesn’t necessarily condemn hacking itself.)

Connecting this to the interpersonal relationships displayed in this episode: Attorney Jang is punishing Young-woo for her style of communication as “bad,” or arrogant.

Separately, many folks on the tag have been talking about how Young-woo and Jun-ho communicate, and some folks have even demanded from Young-woo more communication from herself. There’s been incredible feedback from folks who are autistic combating that back and recognizing Young-woo’s non-communication in difficult emotional moments as authentic and valid. 

I want to tie this all together, because I think it speaks to how absolutely nuanced and in-the-moment the nature of communication is. Every second of our waking days are spent negotiating how we all, as humans, communicate with the world and ourselves. We type on Tumblr. We get coffee from baristas. We argue with our parents. We argue with our partners and our children. We love and connect and verbalize with the people around us. We self-deprecate to ourselves.

AND. We DON’T always say things. We DON’T always verbalize. We give our parents the silent treatment. We take a break from our partners to zone out. Our non-communication.....is communication.

I say ALL of this, because I think this episode really neatly tied together a lot of loose knots we’ve been feeling about the way in which the “world” of EAW accepts Young-woo in society and vice versa. Ultimately, the case was about how communication of a certain kind (data) was mishandled. This episode demonstrated, from an interpersonal perspective, how communication and information can also be handled, and mishandled, intimately. 

2) Which takes us to Young-woo and Jun-ho, and Young-woo and Attorney Jung, because I think their stories in this episode were linked. 

Young-woo ran to the hospital to literally plead to Attorney Jung to not die (ha). What’s that we saw from Young-woo? Empathy! (She’s such a badass, y’all, I so love her. Running into that hospital like that.)

And Jun-ho. Young-woo is concerned for his loneliness. A commenter on one of my previous posts noted the same loneliness connection to Young-woo’s dad, and it’s so spot on. Young-woo has internalized this shame for supposedly rendering folks lonely. She believes she will make Jun-ho lonely.

What is she showing to Jun-ho? Empathy. Even if the content of what she’s saying is not what we want her to say -- she’s communicating a love and empathy for Jun-ho that demonstrates an adult kind of growth that anyone can appreciate and emulate, regardless if you are autistic or nautistic. 

What I truly appreciate about this show is that, for me, Young-woo’s growth is contextualized from the frame of her autism. But it is ABSOLUTELY APPLICABLE TO EVERY ONE OF US AS ADULTS. We can all grow and become more empathic. We can all appreciate that we might make our partners lonely. It happens. Divorce rates are high for a reason, y’all! We ALL need to work on our empathic responses, right? We’re not perfect.

Young-woo is WORKING on herself, to understand herself as a partner, even while she thinks her lens is still self-centered. She’s learning. I don’t know of a more empathic meditation that any human, autistic or nautistic, could undertake. It’s just gorgeously written. It literally makes me want to weep, because it is all SO HUMAN, and Young-woo embodies this beautifully.

3) One other Jun-ho note. “Why can’t we be together?”, he asks. Remember what I said about that micro-to-macro-and-back existence, the push-and-pull of your intimate self to the world and back again. My gorgeous homeboy (heh) needs to reflect on what Young-woo’s positioning is in the world to understand the meaning of his question, and I’d like to see some self-reflection on his part (although I will totally get if the writers don’t have space to do that). That would be my ideal scenario. He’s putting a lot on her, and I am gently criticizing that set-up, and would like to see it addressed if possible. (But I get that the writers are also using that moment to demonstrate Young-woo’s empathy.)

Okay, this is so long already, but a few more quick points and then two footnotes, sorrryyy.

4) WTF, Attorney Jang, how the hell did you become a senior partner? Seriously, you do NOT act in court like that! W.T.F. Not being able to carry out MULTIPLE arguments, especially in the face of counter-arguments? Seriously embarrassing. 

That little, conniving, sniveling, little POS. Oof. CEO Han, pay attention! 

Okay, with that out of the way (ha), he was a great demonstration for arrogance and insecurity. I liked comparing his insecurity to Young-woo’s total security in her legal analysis, and insecurity in her personal life. An easy reflection on a lack of empathy vs. a growth in empathy.

5) I don’t know what’s happening with Min-woo, y’all, lol. I’m going to wait to pass judgement until tomorrow. Is he fighting himself between wanting to have a relationship with Su-yeon vs. his desire for world domination between Hanbada and Taesan? I have no idea. Let’s just see.

6) I saw some criticism on the tag regarding Su-yeon and her pushing Young-woo in ableist ways, and I think the criticism is worth meditating on, again from this push-and-pull framework of how Young-woo interacts internally and externally with the world. Su-yeon, at least from my POV, is framing the way the world works, from her POV, to Young-woo. I think some folks might want Su-yeon to help Young-woo exist in the world in only Young-woo’s way. But, as I said up above, that’s unfortunately not entirely the way the world works. In my mind, Su-yeon does demonstrate bravery for representing Young-woo’s legal analysis in court, but I do VERY much get that that can be criticized. 

I take that along with the question of why Jun-ho drove away with Attorney Jang. Attorney Jang got rid of Young-woo. Su-yeon spoke up. He was about to get rid of Su-yeon when Min-woo spoke up. Young-woo, Jun-ho, Su-yeon, and Min-woo each interacted (or were interacted with) POWER, as represented by Attorney Jang, in different ways. They all met or stretched their own limits in the face of power. Su-yeon, representing Young-woo’s legal analysis in court, was grappling, in her own way, in the face of the power that Hanbada put in front of her in the figure of Attorney Jang.

AND -- we can see that Attorney Jung, our beloved senior partner, demonstrates HIS power far differently than Attorney Jang. With -- what? EMPATHY. Full circle, baby!

Alright. WOW. THAT’S IT, except for the footnotes. SEE YOU TOMORROW! AAAHHHHH!!!

****

* I’m definitely processing the news of season two. I’ll get more clarity on my feelings after we see what happens tomorrow. I’ll be particularly curious about how they handle Kang Tae-oh’s enlistment.

** Speaking of Kang Tae-oh, I saw on social media that he wondered to the writers and directors the line from ep. 14 -- “are you kidding me?”, as too harsh. It really speaks to me that the writers are doing what they’re doing with presenting that kind of emotion. Even though we think it’s harsh, it’s real for the character of Jun-ho, and I appreciate the risks the writers are taking there.

[johns-prince]

Let's play the speculation game and say McLennon was real. Going with the common idea that Paul dumped John in India, wasn't the "let's all be friends, write together and go on double dates with our wives" angle Paul seemed to hope for completely delusional? Why would someone with John's issues stick around and celebrate Paul's happiness with someone else after being downgraded?

I have great respect for Paul's decision of not being John's nanny/handler for the rest of his life. But I've always been annoyed by his inability to let the man go for good. Paul, you've made your choice, my friend. Enough with the sad songs about not being called back or turning up on John's doorstep with a guitar when the he was spending time with his own family. People hate that but some things in the world really are black or white. You can't have it both ways.

Why speculate when we know it was and is real 

Alright so, let me try to unpack my thoughts cohesively get ya tinfoil hats on y’all;

If we go with the theory that during 1967, when Paul and John were practically living together and conjoined at the hip, taking LSD together and sharing those intense and intimate experiences that even Pau’s girlfriend Jane had become envious of— John had come to the realization of what he wanted, finally acknowledged it and came to accept it. 

So in India, John tried to confront Paul about their relationship and their “relationship,” and openly admit to Paul that he wanted more, that he was now willing to leave Cynthia and Julian for a life he truly wanted or desired, and that included Paul (but to what extent is what we debate I guess) 

And now that I’m thinking about it, we also know John was sort of beginning to spiral downward in 1968. It was obvious his marriage with Cynthia was at it’s end, and he didn’t want to work on it anymore. He was surrounding himself more with druggies, an unsavory crowd that Cynthia really didn’t approve of (Yoko was part of this crowd) and he was actively pulling away.  

I think John was realizing that, he just wasn’t happy. That, putting everything he had into becoming one of the most successful musicians in the world, to become bigger then Elvis Presley, didn’t make him happy. It didn’t fix what needed fixing in him, what needed addressing. He was still drowning despite it all. 

So you’ve got the trip to India, the boys going in hopes that perhaps the Maharishi Mahesh Yog and his spiritual teachings would somehow give a new perspective on things, produce the answer that would save the band (save John and Paul) from what appeared to be an inevitable downfall. But as we know, that isn’t what was needed. 

John and Paul needed to talk. The lack of consistent communication between them for years and years, and the fact John needed a therapist, he needed rehab. So did Paul, during the White Album era. 

I don’t believe Paul dumped John, but I do think John could have easily misconstrued Paul taking a step back and not willing to just go blindly, impulsively jumping off a theoretical cliff with him, as being rejected. We know Paul had to sort of take the position of ‘think before you leap’, to be more conscious of the actions and decisions he and the others decide to take, and how it would effect them as individuals, and especially them as a band (because frankly the others wouldn’t) and we know that John could be incredibly impulsive, only thought of the consequences after the fact. That, and who’s to say such a proposition and confrontation from John hadn’t scared Paul? Got him feeling those insecurities of his own crawling up. 

Paul wanted a traditional family, he wanted to have a wife and children. But Paul also wanted John, he wanted and loved Lennon-McCartney, and he didn’t think (or he’d hoped) him getting married and having a family would really change anything between them (because John got married and had a kid and they were still able to do go and do whatever they wanted together, so what was the difference—) that he could still keep what he had with John, that they could still stay together after The Beatles split. Get around to writing that musical, and grow old together still writing and making music, still creating together.

How I see it, is that Paul wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

Paul, being fine with keeping the status quo between them, it was safe and enough (right?), but John vehemently wasn’t fine with it anymore, and it wasn’t enough for him. Nothing was enough for him, as we know; John was a very all-or-nothing individual, and expected complete devotion and love from someone, because receiving less felt like rejection and abandonment was only around the corner. This way of feeling and thinking for John was only exasperated by the drugs, his alcoholism, and his spiraling mental health. 

Paul could have tried compromising with John, and John still could have taken that as a complete rejection of his feelings and what he wanted, and what he had hoped and thought Paul also wanted. 

I believe Paul probably didn’t even know himself what he had done wrong, or that he did anything wrong. I don’t think Paul believed he was downgrading John to anything either.

If only they had talked.

Then they returned from India, and the rest as we know it...

“To me, a summary is something like: “gifted, disturbed boy with tremendous amount of drive to outrun a bad childhood discovers love for music and creative soulmate(s) and gives everything he has to become the most famous musician in the world, hoping it will make him happy. He does, but it doesn’t, and people who don’t have his best interests separate him from his friends, his creation and creative spark, and ultimately himself. He’s too screwed up by addiction, mental illness, and unaddressed traumas to change things, so he retreats further into addiction and mental illness, wishing he could somehow regain his lost spark. He makes a few halfway steps toward doing so, but they’re not enough, and ultimately he is killed in front of his apartment building where, 24 hours later, his wife installs the man she had been sleeping with behind his back.”"

— Michael Bleicher, The Artist as a Dissipated Man: Fred Seaman’s “The Last Days of John Lennon.”

Right, so both John and Paul made their choices in life. Some choices and decisions that we as fans and outside observers might never be able to understand, or agree with.

But who’s to say Paul (and John), couldn’t, didn’t, or don’t regret those choices and decisions? 

I get what you’re saying, I understand. Why can’t Paul move on? He made his choices, why is it 40, 50 years later, that Paul can’t just let John go? Let sleeping dogs lie, all that.

Because Paul loved John, still loves John, to this day. 

Because, clearly Paul has some regrets. He regrets how things were handled during the Divorce. He regrets not hugging John enough. He regrets not telling John, when he had the chance and time, that he loved him (and without the help of alcohol) When you love someone so deeply, and suddenly, without warning, they’re taken from you and the world, you regret a lot, and you miss what could have been, the ‘What if’s.’ 

Paul said that what he and John were, were soulmates. I don’t know how it feels to lose a soulmate. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to know how it feels to get the opportunity to love and be around them. 

How awful do you think it is to meet your soulmate, but you cannot freely love them? Can’t just, be, with them? Not in just one way, bestmates, legendary partners, but, as everything that the word Soulmate brings along and includes with it? 

That God decided to have them be of the same sex, during a time where it was illegal to love and be with someone of the same sex, and could even be a potential death sentence to be assumed or thought of as a ‘queer.’ 

So, you take whatever you can with them. 

Then that isn’t enough. One grows restless, desperate for more. It can’t happen, not realistically, not without consequences of varying degrees. 

Strain, miscommunication to none. They communicate through a musical, artistic language which just isn’t enough. Drugs, alcohol, mental illness and emotional turmoil, it’s all too much. It breaks. Soulmates are still flawed human beings. 

You have people who work to purposefully pin them against each other. Parasites and piggybackers. 

A nasty divorce and breakup between two lovers that never were.

And then, after ten years, it’s happening. You two are talking again, things are tense and awkward still sometimes, but something’s changed. You’ve planned on reuniting, couldn’t do it this year, because the studio you wanted was booked. So you plan for after the New Year. 

Then, your soulmate is killed. Just, taken away from you, like nothing. Violently and suddenly. And all the possibilities... The time... Gone. Ripped away from both of you.

I can’t blame Paul for not letting go. I can’t say I’d ever be able to understand the sort of pain and heartbreak he experienced. He still goes through it! It’s still there. He’s just learned how to manage it a bit better. 

I’d say it’s more pathetic then it is annoying— and I don’t mean it in a way to insult Paul. I really don’t. Because John was just as pathetic when it came to his obvious obsession, desire, and love for Paul, too. 

Love, that kind of soul-deep love, it can make you pathetic and hopeless. And it’s not something you can just... let go for good. 

Wanting, or expecting Paul to let go of John for good... Firstly would be impossible, and secondly, how do you let go of a soulmate? John is a part of Paul, whether some like it or not. Can’t really have one without the other. 

Can’t have Lennon without McCartney, and vice-or-versa. Forever intertwined, are they.

[gwyns]

what would be your ideal elucien arc in canon?

this is a very good question and one i'll probably ramble with so sorry lmao i actually thought about an elucien plot a lot years ago. i had quite a few ideas and was trying to plot my own multi-chapter fic around them but well..... that didn't work out and this ended up getting really long, so i apologize for that lol

so here's the overall gist of what would've/what i would like to eventually happen one day. elain had a vision of lucien being harmed or something along those lines and her instinct had her finding him. whether this was through her learning she could winnow or some other means, i hadn't decided but eventually she'd show up and lucien would be so dumbfounded and question her reason for being there and ask if feyre knew she was here and elain would get defensive like "i didn't realize she was my keeper." and this is the first time lucien has truly seen her bite, her little bit of fire, so he's taken aback a bit but quickly reassures her she needs no keeper and he hadn't meant offense.

she gives an excuse about how she wants to see prythian and that nobody would show her so she decided to show herself, bc she doesn't want to admit she cares for him, even a fraction bc it might give him hope that she ultimately would have to crush. and it's not entirely a lie, she would like to travel and see the world, but it's not the whole truth either.

so moving on they'd partner up and he'd bring elain along on whatever adventures he's getting up to, they'd meet up with jurian and vassa of course and i have this headcanon that she and vassa would be the perfect friends. vassa is human so she'd offer elain something familiar you know? and vassa is also the type to stand her ground and she has a fire of her own so i feel like she'd help elain grow into herself and be more assertive and stroke the fire within elain some. as for elain and jurian.... it's awkward at first bc jurian is partially responsible for elain's turn (at least in her head) and he was there when graysen rejected her and so she overall has had bad experiences when he's around so she doesn't know what to make of him.

over time she comes to find that jurian isn't as intimidating as he first lets on. he's quite considerate and good at reading people, and he knows to some extent what she's gone through (as does vassa), he was tortured and killed by amarantha then bound to her jewelry for 500 years. he understands the feeling of violation and having a fae treat you as some toy and little more, and he apologizes for his part in her trauma. after this, i can see him becoming something of a big brother type to elain, they have a relationship few would understand but they listen to each other's troubles and just get it you know?

anyway, back to her and lucien. i can see them both being kind of reluctant in the beginning? elain bc she doesn't want to give him any ideas and lucien doesn't know want to pressure her so he keeps his distance but as they're working together, with the spring court, koschei, her learning more about her abilities, etc they both start to see how capable they each are and their feelings start to show here. for lucien it's more natural, like he always had a feeling that if he spent enough time with elain he could fall in love with her but with elain? she's freaked out. she doesn't want this, she wants her ability to choose. and maybe it's just the mating bond reacting for her or at least this is what she tells herself to explain away the butterflies she gets whenever lucien smiles at something she said.

at some point they have to travel to the autumn court and lucien is terrified, he doesn't want her anywhere near his family but elain asserts herself and says she's coming whether he likes it or not. he, of course, doesn't object. he just pleads with her to stay close to him the entire time. during their visit(s) they meet with eris and lucien's mother and you don't understand how badly i want elain and his mother to have a good relationship. her own mother only saw her as beautiful and something to capture a titled man to advance their status, she didn't truly see elain either. lady vanserra would be the kind and caring mother she never had and then being close would allow elain to learn more about lucien without asking him directly.

and her and eris? he'd take on the protective older brother role for elain, he would make sure no one even breathed near her unless she wished it so. maybe he'd introduce her to his dogs or something, too.

i can't get into specifics of what would really happen during these visits bc my brain sucks but overall it'd allow elain to learn more of lucien's upbringing and begin to understand him and in turn lucien would learn more about elain's childhood when she'd discuss her mother with lady vanserra.

maybe after this they visit the day court or something so they can view helion's massive library and try to learn more of koschei and elain's powers. they'd bond while studying, it'd start as courteous conversation but it'd soon develop into more intimate questions. maybe she asks about jesminda, who she'd learned some about from feyre and some from the servants in the autumn court, he'd answer her questions but never offer anything more than what he had to. she can tell her death still weighs heavily on him. this is when she really starts paying attention to what exactly she feels through the mate bond, tremendous guilt and, as feyre once described, he's endlessly sad.

this is where things get kinda fuzzy for me bc i never knew how this story would end, like i knew the koschei conflict would be the finale but other than that? nothing lmao but basically i could see elain and lucien growing together very slowly. they start getting comfortable with the faint touches and lingering glances they give each other. it eventually leads to a dark night in the camp and elain can't sleep so she gets up to take a walk but her feet just lead her to wherever lucien is and she sees him without his shirt on, his back is turned to her and she sees the massive scars across his back and can't stop the soft gasp that escapes.

lucien whirls around but elain can't get the image out of her head... who would have been so cruel as to cause those marks? who would dare to touch her mate like that? she knows she should be more worried about how possessive the mate bond makes her, but in this moment it doesn't matter, what matters is who hurt him. and she asks as much, "it's nothing, elain" is his response but she doesn't let up, she steps closer to him and motions for him to turn around, which he does. she hesitantly runs her fingers across his scars, she can feel her rage building, no matter how irrational it is she wants whoever did this dead. she blinks at that thought, but she's not scared no, she wants whoever caused him pain to suffer.

he tells her not to worry and that it's already been taken care of and she reluctantly leaves him to go back to her own tent (or wherever they're sleeping) and tries to sleep but everytime she closes her eyes the image of his scars, how he might have received them, flashes in her mind. then she starts to wonder who gave him the scar on his face, she wonders how she might find out and how she might get the means to return the favor.

also maybe at some point later in the story, they visit the autumn court again, i have a headcanon that elain doesn't only see the future, she can see the past in some cases so maybe she starts seeing this couple in a.... very intimate setting. and she works out the female is lucien's mother, but the male she's with is definitely not beron. this could prompt the helion reveal but honestly idk how that'd all go down.

i really can't tell you how this would all wrap up bc i am so bad at plotting but eventually they meet koschei, they defeat him and there's a scene where they embrace and the confessions come, it starts with lucien,

"i love you. so much. and i choose you. i'd choose you in a hundred–in a thousand different lifetimes."

"do you mean that?"

"i've never meant anything more."

elain brings her hands to his face, caressing his cheeks, then she moves to trace the scar on his face.

she finally says, "i choose you, too, lucien. i love you. now, kiss me... please."

they have the kiss we've all waited 5 books for. she accepts the bond and we all live happily ever after.

[project-paranoia]

Live Watch: S.C.I. Mystery Episode One

I enjoy camp because I've always enjoyed analysis and examination.  I enjoy looking at something from all sides, testing it with my fingertips. When I was a child I would sit for hours just looking at something until I had it all held in my mind and I felt like I understood it.  Camp necessitates that understanding the way that imitation and - good - parody requires it.  To quote Susan Sontag - who articulated what camp is so well - Camp is "a sensibility that revels in artifice, stylisation, theatricalisation, irony, playfulness, and exaggeration rather than content."  Because of this camp takes on head to head gender, sexuality, expectations, any sort of defined norm and sequins it up then shakes it down until understanding comes out.  When understanding something there are three major ways to work your investigation - what it is, what it's imitation is - the close but not quite, and what it isn't.  Camp handles all three, to quote again: "Camp sees everything in quotation marks. It's not a lamp, but a 'lamp; not a woman, but a 'woman.'"

Why are we talking about camp?  Because SCI Mystery is some of the best kind of camp outside of drag or screaming about wire hangers.  It deals a lot with mental illness in a way that would destroy a serious show, but in this one "mental illness" is a metaphor for being marginalised and a way to talk about the mouse and cat in the room.  This show is about being queer.  About being gay loudly and quietly, about resisting specific labels and needing them, about the threat of a cure and the blessing of acceptance.  All the messy realities of queer life as varied as queer people. Like Lil Nas X's Montero, you can appreciate the effort without being comfortable with it. While the show's allegory of mental illness when many queer people are still told they are ill is done well and there is reason to the choices and tone, things are said which can be hard to hear.  Knowing they're there because they're hard to hear and have been heard doesn't help everyone.

With all that said, it's also a fun, silly bl drama.  Don't let the analysis scare you off.  While the information about camp can be something to be aware of, all this show requires to be enjoyed is a willingness to be amused and spooked in turns.

You know the drill, spoilers below!

* I have memorised the youku sound, I have a triggered response with it. Not all triggers are bad, this one reminds me of Guardian

* Welcome to episode one where we just leap in!  But don't worry, one of them has a cute earring and they are colour coordinated.

* Watching from youtube the episode is 38 minutes long while most of the others are 45.  Attach whatever emotion you want to that fact.

* The exposition is handily delivered by asking a question which tells us some things, thank you show, I appreciate it

* First episode and he's already giving his partner an in case I don't come back letter to be opened if he dies

*  Wait for me!~  Go!~~

* Slow walk with dramatic music: 1 (don't make this a drinking game You Will Expire) this time with bonus almost looking back

* I've seen a similar shot on Hawaii Five O

* Don't explain what's happening, just knock everything over with a jump kick in some absolutely spotless white tennies

* Running with dramatic music with bonus looking back: Does it count?  We have yet to hear back from the judges

* They leap into the water with an explosion behind them, we are less than 2 minutes in and I love that for them

* At first I thought the boats were making a big heart before I remembered that I am very silly and they are not doing that

* This one is going to be long

* I can see his pockets through his trousers, why are his trousers so thin?

* It's not kissing to dramatic music in the surf if it's CPR

* Each story line has its own intro and that's very sexy of them

* Slow walk/dramatic music: 2-6

* These people are totally goofy and and yet the Seriousness

* Two Weeks Ago!

* The police school bus has arrived to shoo away the crows circling around Dr. Zhan staring (dramatically) at the body

* Sport scar policeman dresses even more unprofessionally than Zhao Yunlan who at least looks like a detective who was jumped by so many criminals he just gave up wearing a suit and went for jeans. Chief Bai's clothes are so thin, I'm under constant anxiety someone is going to tear them off.

* Also several of the cast pictures on MyDramaList look like the pictures your auntie insists taking to send to your other aunties and I love that for them

* Triple axil spin from the victim, the judges are loving it - this is the camp I'm here for

* The dramatic slo mo and music budget for this show was so big, just as it should be

* He's mad because he's angy

*  Master Psychiatrist can tell all about the killer from crouching by the body, it's a trope and this is one of the few places I like it because it serves the show instead of the show serving it

* When you're almost boyfriend is going away for reasons and it's not your decision but you can't go with him because of your job so you're just low key bitter about it

*  "You can't control me"

* The pettiness between these two

* Professional women who worked hard to get where they are still are constantly obsessed with boys according to most cdramas

*The male posturing in those three second has accidentally circled back around to being gay in the way those bro shows accidentally do and I love that

* I live for this 80s-90s police chief perm

* The Pettiness

* I always tend to like doctor characters, I don't know why.  Even when they aren't my favourites I like them.

* She's kind of adorable, I like her (I've seen a lot of this show and every time I say I like someone it ends badly ;-; )

* "the victems"

* If you love Creative English, this is the show for you!

* Chief Bai's crew is trying so hard to get them back together

* Dr. Zhan is so good at psychology he can tell what someone looks like from some tire tracks - this trope is used all the time in crime shows, but they push it a little farther in SCI and it really helps the viewer know what the rules for the show are

* The scene in the psychiatrist's office hearkens back to queer coded villains and the way they're treated in old black and white horror cinema - but done so artfully it's almost invisible.  It's incredibly well done, and the awareness of tropes and types all throughout the series is tremendously successful as much as it's campy fun.

* There's also the trope of someone who manipulates someone into feeling like they've been "purified" and then weaponises them against the "filthy". And of course the fact that the killer's blade is a mirror - that he's killing in others what he sees in himself. This trope hasn't just been queer-coded but has been applied to any sort of physical or mental disorder. Thesis have been written about this trope and the anxiety attached to it. I can't write them better and this is long enough, it's just a small part of the excellent handling of the themes showing up in this genre and I wanted to point it out because it deserves appreciation for the skill and knowledge in the writing.  

* The whole you need evidence vs you're saying psychoanalysis isn't trustworthy feels very much like a coded angry exes discussion

* I love the establishing shots, so good

* He kind of deserved that door to the face, what was he even doing

* Police violence in crime shows is supposed to be a release for the viewer, but many countries have issues with police violence so it hits wrong.  Here it's far more performative in a way that at least has some awareness

* The weirdest phone call, you call someone to tell them something important and they say two things to you and hang up

* The tongue thing, why always the tongue thing?

* When a serial killer tries to compliment you by calling you a carnivore and you shut down the whole alpha male supposition by calling yourself a vegetarian

* At this point I've written almost fifteen hundred words and taken almost two hours to watch 23 minutes

* This is my life, these are my choices

* Dutch Angles

* You could make this conversation about being gay, I have had this conversation about homosexuality before

* Unfortunately while I had it I was on the bus trapped in a window seat

* The conversation didn't end with me saying something cool and everyone clapping

* They just got off the bus to go to work

* The banality of evil, yo

* Her shorts are Incredibly Short, good for her

* "arrest the perp behind my back" that's his job, broheim

* He doesn't ask why she checked behind their ears

* DUN dun dun!

* Slo mo file drop, and of course the file is blood stained and aged

* Chalk Art of Doom

* Chinese word play!

* Caught almost putting his coat over his crush, embarrassing XD

* Backstory!

*  I love all the little character details, I could quote lines I think are funny all day but that would start getting silly

* Bai Yu Tong is marked as clean and having OCD but we don't see what's apparently a huge character trait at all other than the all white, do love that he's good at cooking

* Dr. Zhan: Brilliant!  Genius!  Cannot feed himself.

* Dr. Gong has indifference level 100% which is true and also I love that for him

* I love that Wang Shao part of the team because he's good at making friends, I love that for him

* Poor Zhao Fu: scared of ghosts and dumb and sweet?  At least he has an 8 pack

* Jiang Lin is very tropey except the mention of her nearsightedness

* Ma Han's height 1.7m and legs 1.8m is hilarious and I love it

* I stopped recording the slo mo walks, but if you were drinking along with them you might be dead so I really appreciate you taking time out of your afterlife to continue reading.  We appreciate all our ghost readers

* And that's the first episode!  Thanks for making it to the end!

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #4

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Celestite of Emptiness

“Could you take this with you?” the beautiful jeweler asked me, a stone in his hand.

What he was holding was a rock that looked exactly like a potato. It was dry and rough, with almost nothing to show off about it. It was about the size of a child’s fist.

“Our trade partner added this as an extra. It was mostly forced on me, though.”

“Even if you say that... what am I supposed to do with it?”

As I asked this, Richard said, “You can, for example, make it into a gift.”

He was probably thinking of Tanimoto-san. Indeed, since she loved minerals, I did think that she would like even this kind of plain rock, but...

“No... the aquamarine I bought a while ago is still on-hold, so...”

I had a stone that I wanted personally wanted to prepare myself to give her. As I declined in a roundabout way, saying that randomly firing a present at her might be questionable when taking this into account, yada-yada, Richard looked at me as if taken aback. He seemed to be spacing out. When I made an “aah, this again?” kind of face, he showed shame with an “excuse me”.

“I was a little absorbed in my thoughts.”

“That’s okay, then.”

This sort of thing wasn’t uncommon lately. It didn’t happen when we had customers over, but when I was the only one around, the shopkeeper’s reactions were slow. The speed with which the snacks on the kitchenette’s cupboards were decreasing in numbers was also clearly dropping. It was as if he were just choosing the ones that were close to their expiration date and consuming them robotically, which wasn’t like the usual Richard. Only the digestive, balanced Nakata Seigi Pudding was decreasing in the same proportion as I was making it.

I didn’t know the reason behind this. Honestly, I was pretty worried.

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

As I asked inadvertently, Richard let out a sound that I couldn’t tell whether it was a sigh or a laugh. “Let’s see; there have been forty thieves appearing often around the palace I live in lately, and they are impossibly loud. If you are a magus, I would like you to banish them away with a swing of your wand.”

“Is that the story of Arabian Nights? No, seriously now, are you a victim of stalking?”

“It was a joke. There is nothing troubling me in particular. Aah, speaking of which, I have yet to... Seigi. Come here,” Richard called, sitting on the sofa and pointing me to the opposite seat. The stone was still in his hand. Just what was that rock?

“A spell. There was one in Arabian Nights, right? The magic words that open the cave. Do you know them?”

“Magic words... ‘Open sesame’?”

As I said this, Richard smiled and “split” the stone into two. His touch was soft, even more than if he were splitting a fluffy and crumbly butter potato. There was a crevice on it from the very start.

The inside of the stone on his palm was a treasure cave.

It was tightly packed with brightly shining, light blue crystals. Even though the stone was the color of dry sand on the outside. A spontaneous box of surprises that was. Upon a closer look, the stone’s center was hollow, and the crystals twinkled as if to enclose that empty spot. Was it a quartz? No, it was a different gem. I had never seen a quartz of that color before. Although there were light blue parts, there were mostly white ones. What was this thing?

“Richard, what’s this blue stone...?”

“Celestite. It seems it is also named ‘celestial blue stone’ in Japan. It splits easily, so be careful. Have you ever heard of the name ‘geode’? It is apparently called ‘druse’ here in Japan, and due to the work of hot water, the heart of the stone, unlike its outside, is a sparkling ‘mineral cave’. This phenomenon is not limited to just the celestite and also exists in geodes such as crystals and agates. How thoughtless I was back there. You would not know the true essence of this specimen unless I split it and showed it to you, right?”

I recalled the story of “Alibaba and the Forty Thieves” in my head. When Alibaba opened the cave with the words “open sesame”, the inside was a mountain of treasures. The person who had thought that story out might have been someone who was deeply moved when opening a geode.

Richard gave me one side of the split sample.

“There sure are some interesting stones in this world.”

“Your girlfriend knows better about these kinds of things, doesn’t she?”

“The ‘person I want to have as girlfriend’, you mean!”

“I am terribly sorry. I have been hearing this same correction for quite a long time, so I imagined it was about time for a change.”

“Young people are cautious these days.”

I became sullen and Richard laughed a little. Framed by golden eyelashes, his blue irises took on a gentle hue.

Huh? Speaking of which...

As I looked at Richard in the face with a questioning expression and went stiff, the unseen eyebrows of the beautiful jeweler furrowed slightly. I didn’t avoid his gaze at all, which resulted in him waving his hand a little, as if to ask me if I could see his eyes. I could, geez.

“Hey, what’s the name of this stone again? Cele...”

“‘Celestite’. The ‘celebs’ part has the meaning of ‘heaven’. The intention of the one who named it is obvious, isn’t it? You can feel the brilliance of clear blue skies from this stone formed under the ground.”

“Clear blue skies”. Indeed, that was the color of it. But...

“I know one thing other than the sky that looks just like it.”

“It is not coming to me. Is this something I know?”

“I think you definitely know.”

“What might it be?”

“Your eyes.”

As I said so, Richard’s blue eyes widened a little.

Thanks to myself getting used to foreign costumers in this store, I came to know that “blue eyes” were not all the same. The eye color of a customer who declared themself to have violet eyes was a mix of deep gray and blue, and there was also someone with irises so vivid that it looked like they had been painted all over with aqua-colored ink. Human eyes, just like garnets and tourmalines, were gemstones that bore all sorts of hues. Richard’s eyes were a light, grayish blue. That was a cold combination at first glance, but there was a subtle depth to it and it was gorgeous. The shade close to the center and the one of the surroundings was a bit different. Just like this celestite.

“I wonder if the person who gave it as an extra also thought about something like that.”

Richard fell silent. Ah. Ah~. Hm.

I knew nothing about the person who had added the extra stone, but if they had picked it and sent it to Richard with a serious intention, of course this jeweler who was by no means looking for a lover would get an iffy feeling out of it. All right.

“I got it. I’ll take it. It splits easily, right? I’ll be careful when putting it up for decoration. Thank you.”

As I held one side of the stone within a hand and reached out to get the other, Richard made a weird face for an instant. Eh? What? He seemed like he wanted so bad to push it onto me earlier. I froze in a half-sitting position. What should I do?

Richard opened his eyes with a serious look and spoke while staring at me, “Will you give this stone to someone?” He pronounced each word slowly.

What did he mean? For me to give it away? Didn’t sound like it. The tone of his voice was low. If he had something he wanted to say, he should do it in a way that was easier to understand. Which was it? Should I say I was gonna give it away? Should I say I wasn’t? Actually, what did I want to do by taking this stone with me?

Would I give to someone else, like Tanimoto-san, a stone that had Richard’s eye color?

“I don’t think so.”

I wouldn’t. I couldn’t explain the reason very well myself, though.

Richard seemed to smile faintly. “Is that so? Then...” Saying “keep them” in English, Richard put the other half on my hand.

That means “take them”. I get it. I’m accepting them with gratitude. But I want you to tell me what the heck that pause just now was. Was it nothing much? Or were you just spacing out again? Or maybe you have something that you’re tremendously worried about but can’t tell me?

Sorting out my thoughts, I tried to call out to Richard as he stood up, but he started talking to me instead, spoiling my start, “Right, right; here is one more trivia. Even if you just heard about celestite for the first time, are you familiar with strontium sulfate? It’s an ore that burns with very brightly colored flames and comes in handy as raw material for fireworks and stuff like that.”

“A stone can burn?! Then I gotta be careful about how to store it... No, it might happen even then.”

“Even if you are not so careful, it will not catch fire on its own. However...” Richard turned towards me as if tilting his head a little. Was he smiling? “If there comes a time someday when you cannot suppress your anger, breaking it or burning it might be, well, a good form of practical use.”

“Couldn’t suppress anger”? Before I could ask what he meant by that, Richard got up unexpectedly and disappeared into the kitchenette.

“Breaking a stone” - I couldn’t believe that those words had come from Richard.

After about five minutes, he came out and shut himself in the back room, then began talking in English on the phone.

When I looked at the kitchenette’s sink, I found one of my pudding bowls was empty. He could have eaten it while seated.

Once I was done washing the dishes and came back to the reception room, the half-split celestite geode lay on top of the glass table. Richard had told me to recite a spell when opening this stone into two. It was a silly association, but it would be great if the doors of his evasiveness could be opened with just one spell. I didn’t want to know all his secrets. Just him throwing his worries at me sometimes was enough. But even if I happened to open the cave of his heart, what was there in his intentions? Was it something okay for me to see?

“Well, that’s what I was wondering back then.”

“My deepest apologies...”

“See, I was wondering if there was something I could do for you, but I was a bit hesitant, asking myself whether or not you’d come at me for it, and I couldn’t bring myself to say that.”

“...for causing you such a terrible amount of trouble...”

“I was so uncertain.”

“...at that time.”

Like a bobblehead doll, the shop keeper repeatedly offered me words of apology. Just like them, my spiteful words had none of the sentiment in them at all. It was like a two-person comedy act with no audience. Telling funny stories for our own sake kind of gave me a bizarre feeling, but taking a step backward and thinking it over, it was quite enjoyable.

It would soon be Christmas season, and what triggered the reminiscent talk was that a client who made enormous purchases commented a single sentence about Richard’s eyes before she left: “their color is just like a celestite’s, huh”. But as we had no more time for weird chitchatting, I cut it short and went into the kitchenette. I had to leave the tea ready in advance. This shop was busy lately. It was great that business was doing well.

The celestite of back then was sitting inside the safe that we had bought just recently. Since that stone split and caught fire easily, it was probably more secure within a safe. Even if heaven and earth overturned, I didn’t think I would break or set fire to that stone, nor would I use any other method to take out on it. That much was certain.

Etranger was now in peace.