ramblesalot

[ramblesalot]

Not feeling very alive, but still am

Had an embarrassing day and am crying

I'm sure I'll be okay but I need to be sitting in my feelings for a bit

[ramblesalot]

I feel a level of mystery in personhood is being missed out on. The focus on differences and commonalities ignores the nature of humanity: we know very little and cling to it so much.

How many genders are there? Everyone has their own relationship with the various expectations associated with masculinity, femininity, androgyny, and so on. Loosely defined by age, orientation, culture, social roles. How many people have there ever been, how many will there every be? How many are there now? How many people have we been in each second, where we feel more or less one way or another and then others at once? There's a unique combination sloshing around and changing in everyone. Some associate this with what they wear, how they look, how they'd rather look, how they want to be seen and referred to. And to some, it's based on vibes. It's a beautiful rainbow, and I think that naming every single shade in the gradient is cool, but might be missing the point of the rainbow. It is just there. It means something different to everyone. There doesn't have to be a revelation to live under the arch and to be surrounded by and made up of its hues. It isn't the same for everyone, that's what makes us all uniquely the same. Gender, presentation, expectation, alteration, it's so abstract and so nuanced, so ingrained in so many things. I like the idea of it being air: it exists, it's not always thought about, it feels different in different places to different people, there's a preference to everyone of what feels comfortable for them and not always a favorite. Sometimes still, sometimes wildly moving, sometimes smells of something else and has the essence and feel of more than air. And if you keep it inside you, you choke. Sometimes it just is. Maybe there's trillions, maybe there's none, maybe it's not gender we feel but the concept of being any one of everyone. Maybe we just feel ourselves and no one can speak over or define us for us. Maybe not.

And how many faiths are there? There's the major ones many abide by. But there's so many stories of relating to and drifting away from the blanket definition that it seems there is no one way at all. For every kid that believes in fairies once, and even if that fades they whisper in their head that their socks were taken by them, and to be kind just in case. For that classmate who screamed to the God they feel is absent, and found the instructions in their math textbook to be holier and filled with more creation than their palms held together and words said to themselves. For all who fall asleep and think while drifting that maybe the afterlife isn't in walking on the clouds but being wind that makes fields of flowers sway. To those who look at grains of sand and pinpoint stars and think "I don't know exactly why this is here, but it's bigger than any of us." And anyone that looks on a crowd of sttangers and believes that they are as much family to them as their unit and blood. The small practices for spirits that are gone and may soon be, and who aren't here yet. The offerings to the butterfly laying flat on the ground. The kisses to the ancestors who never met you but made the future you live in. Celebrating the chance that at some point someone made it when they weren't supposed to. It's a little different for everyone. We debate on scriptures and verses, on iconography and language. On the nature of people, inherently corrupt or capable of change. Maybe that's not the point, and that's exactly the point of all things. To figure that out. Or not.

And how many struggles are not surface level? What does it mean to feel? To need? Why is walking the default? Why do some think that children are the key and expectation to live complete lives? Why is it so deadly to not conform? Are certain gifts required at jobs when they do not define brain power? What age is it okay to give up on hope? Why is everyone insisting that everything is pointless and when opportunities spring up to make change they get cast aside? Why is it so hard to grow up? Is inflection so important that people need to be shunned if they don't adhere to random patterns? Is it an overreaction based on flashbacks, or a reasonable reaction to an unreasonable situation being set off in the now? Is someone lesser than anyone just by being disabled? What defines disabled except oneself? Is something a struggle if it's not quantitative? I think the judgemental nature of "if you can't do this, you aren't worth it/there is something wrong with you" can do more harm than good. Sometimes we just can't, or won't, or don't know. It's not a crime, sometimes help is nice, and other times it ranks second to "take me as I am." Maybe it all will change. Or not. And it might not even have to.

I don't understand why we can't just understand that all people are different in ways they might not even know. If there is no harm in the self or in/towards others, why all the stress? We are not less or more for our hearts beating in these forms. There shouldn't be set rules as prerequisites for permission to live. Take it all on a case by case basis. Individually adjust. Know that not everything is explainable, and just is. That's okay. If somebody has an answer, good for them. But in my head, the reason we exist as people is so we can be every iteration of ourselves, in every fluid second, not defined by one or a few things when we are so much more than each nerve named and each personality quirk written.

I like that I don't know everything about people. We keep learning new things just by being around. I'm glad that there are words that resonate, and sometimes I'm sad that they are held to such importance that human-ness can be taken away if the unspoken expectations aren't met...

I think some mystery is needed, not as a means to hide but so no one has to. What's the point of it? Maybe that there's not.

[ramblesalot]

It feels like my brain's default state is *chainsaw noises*

[ramblesalot]

🥑🥑🥑🥑Avocuatro

🥑🥑🥑Avocatres

🥑🥑Avocados

[ramblesalot]

not me realizing this is a late night shit-posts blog, as I come here to shovel more on the pile...

[ramblesalot]

2 modes:

•cry, and not mean it/mean to

•mean it/mean to, and not cry

there is no attempt to be false on my part, sometimes mine own eyes do not get the memo of what is appropriate for the occasion...

[ramblesalot]

sleepy, weepy, creepy feelings

like, "bare my fangs while snuggling into cushions to cry"

all the cats who agree say "me, ow."

[ramblesalot]

🎶i walk this lonely road🎶

🎶this really lonely road that i don't know🎶

🎶it says it is alone🎶

🎶and likes to be that way - i don't think so🎶

[ramblesalot]

I used to stare into the dark wishing

I was different than

I am, but one night

I realized if that was so, how would

My wishes find

Me?

I think instead

I wish there was something

I could do, not always change, but find, settle into.

My wishes are young and witness

Me grow,

I am still always learning this

Self

I don't know, until then, maybe

I am different than before but

I don't need to wish to be more than

Me.

[ramblesalot]

my eyes hurt and percieve nothing, i want to move but can't, and my voice doesn't work.

distressed log mode, activate

[ramblesalot]

a real "blink and you'll miss it" moment comes along when you don't even have to blink for things to be gone

aka, the story of my life

Brought To You by ADHD: "how could you miss it, it was three feet in front of you!!!!!"

[ramblesalot]

a note to myself hiding in the void:

let me know when you want to feel something,

sit with me a while and spill the beans as i hand over a pillow to scream into

[ramblesalot]

that awkward moment when:

no one in my home has a remotely normal sleep schedule

and i'm still awake to notice it