#it fits Nightmare soo well!!!

[beybuniki]

hiiii first off i love ur art so much i always look forward to seeing it on my tl or on here!!!! secondly i think ur dabihawks is soo hot and they make a lot of sense from an aesthetic pov for me but they don't compel me much outside of that so if i can ask, what's your interpretation of why u ship them? or like narratively what compels you to like them as a ship?

this is so long i'm so embarrasssed, but i tried to gather my thoughts a bit :)

first things first: a lot of fans say that horikoshi wasted dabihawks' potential but tbh i've appreciated that horikoshi has kept most of it between the lines for us to figure out, i think that mode fits reflects their dynamic (and the endeavor - dabi - hawks triangle) well.

Also I know you asked what I find appealing about the ship, not all of these interpretations are about romance/shipping; some are just about their general dynamic. as I keep saying, the yaoi is only secondary to their overall weirdness, that’s more appealing to me tbh.

the obvious canon dynamic: Dabi and Hawks are (filial) foils: they represent 2 opposing outcomes of what happens when endeavor/enji (we have to differenciate) basically shapes your life. they're two sides of the same coin that symbolizes endeavor's 2 sides: enji, that father who fails vs. endeavor, the hero who succeeds. I don't think I need to elaborate on this, but yeah it's pretty overt in the manga that they’re filial foils, the fact that they’re the same ages makes it even more obvious like they’re equal opposites and I love that sm.

my ship interpretation of their overall dynamic: dabi and Hawks can get under each other’s skin in a way that no one can; there is so much irritation but also uncomfortable intimacy, because how come this guy who barely knows me knows where it hurts the most??

I think dabi is easily irritated by hawks because – as mentioned above – hawks is the complete opposite of dabi, I just know hawks’ charming (& sleazy) hero persona would piss him offff, but that’s only surface level annoyance, once dabi starts digging, connects the dots, and realizes that hawks is weirdly attached to his colleague aka dabi’s dad? And that his dad basically saved hawks from his abusive dad?? and that endeavor set off hawks’s career as the youngest hero to enter to top 3??? That hawks basically has everything that was promised to dabi??? CUTE THE CAMERAS!!!!! the irony is NOT lost on dabi!!!!!!!!!!!! One thing I love about dabi is his resentment towards those who make him painfully aware of his failures in life, I think resentment, jealousy, grief for what could have been are so interesting to explore, especially for a 23yo character like you rlly lose your mind at that age.

But as easily as hawks irritates dabi, dabi can get on hawks’ nerves and hit him where it hurts like no one else, precisely because they’re inextricably tied to each other through endeavor. So dabi is ver intimate with hawks’ flaws & issues and likes to probe and poke……. I made a whole post about this, but I think the todorokis’ closure would’ve been less disappointing if dabihawks got to face each other one last time; this time with everyone present. Dabi could have reminded hawks that  -- while he’s the one withering away in an oxygen chamber & hawks climbed up the career ladder and gets to work with endeavor – hawks is caged in a far more constricting way; he didn’t learn shit from twice’s death and that’s gonna haunt him, dabi would also say out loud what hawks is ignoring, namely that endeavor hasn’t chosen hawks once over his son (much to be said here let’s not digress oaughh). So hawks can have fun running after his father forever and secretly yearning paternal attention & validation. Dabi might be on the verge of death, but he got to reflect, let go, and change at least; Hawks’ character is SO stuck & and I think dabi should remind him of that <3 hawks should have nightmares sometimes <3 this is yaoi to me <3

This one isn’t about romance, but dabihawks are also so interesting to me because I think  their relationship is kind of similar to dabi’s relationship with shoto: imo, hawks parallels dabi in a way that is analogous to the parallelism between dabi and shoto. As I said before, hawks and shoto both represent a life that was supposed to be dabi’s, but another parallel I see is that hawks and dabi are so similar and had the potential to connect (both as normal kids but also as damaged adults), but life is unfair and they never and on the other.

There’s a real tragedy in dabi’s isolation (endeavor forcibly isolating his children from each other is repeatedly mentioned), and I think that this can be extended to hawks as well, which is why there’s a LOT of fan work of them befriending each other as children 😊 but I think that in a more radical approach to the story, dabihawks could’ve also connected as damaged adults but let’s not get into that.

Tl;dr: they’re parallel lines that cannot reach each other or cross paths but there are enough hints to make you feel like they could find each other in a kinder universe…………… KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok now my yaoi interpretation of that: I think the dynamic that I’ve described in the point above lends itself really well to a vast array of outcomes they’re such a dynamic duo. I love the cute aus that are just about dbhx falling in love, but I also LOVE the doomed yaoi, there’s something beautiful about dabihawks doing their thing despite all the odds and the pride and the repulsion (let’s not get into that,,,,,,,,,,,). I love when their intimacy is permeated by an anticipation of betrayal like the quirks stay ON during sex, the breakup text is DRAFTED in their notes app, the IP address is always READY to get leaked, they have each other’s moms on SPEED dial to snitch on the other………………………… they’re not meant to be but they WILL fuck nasty ( and have surprisingly intimate moments) yup

attachment styles /yaoiimplied: I think dabi is an avoidant and hawks an anxiously attached partner. Which means that dabi is hyper independent and scared of emotional intimacy to the point of self-sabotage (he WILL create problems out of thin air and lash out at hawks when their weird situationship starts getting too comfortable). Which means that hawks is terrified of rejection (his parents left him & his clings so much to endeavor & he forces himself into the Todoroki family) and fears that he could lose whatever he and dabi have so he clings, which is so so scary to dabi. I see a lot of headcanons about dabi being possessive but I don’t agree at all; I think the second dabi feels like hawks might fall for sb else (they do cheat on each other I thin), he’s just gonna give lmaooo, dabi is NOT a fighter!!!!!!!!!!! His obsession is exclusive to his beef with his father!! He will NOT beg and fight for hawks’ love!!! Idk I like how their trauma gave them very different attachment patterns <3

names as another layer of intimacy (cute): this is in the manga so I don’t feel the need to elaborate on this, but there’s sth SO intimate about dabi and hawks both letting go of their birth names and those being such a big mystery for such a long time, both to the readership & characters. The fact that dabi finds out hawks’ name and CALLS him by his name during a fight ugh I love the juxtaposition of intimacy and violence. They probably use their 1st names during nice moments also keigo and touya are really cute names but I digress…..

names as another layer of intimacy (bad): while the paragraph above present this as rather cute and intimate, I think there’s also violence and a hierarchy at play when you use somebody’s deadname (I think we can call it that idk). Not only is there the juxtaposition of violence and intimacy when dabi uses hawks’ name, I think there’s also sth. deeply disrespectful about hawks using dabi’s given name like WHO are you to call him toya!!!!!!!!!!!! And the answer to that is that hawks uses it because endeavor uses it, which is so insane but whatever let’s not go there………….

also hotwings is such a good ship name sorry i was sold on that alone..............

sorry this whole page is yaoi to me, this fight is sexual in general well whatever let's move ON!!!!

Abjection: the aforementioned mutual irritation with each other that results from their uncomfortable & unwanted proximity feels so abject to meeeeeeeee

idk they have perfect yaoi equilibrium to me

the color symbolism :)

[velnoni]

Idk if ur doing it rn or anything, but as a southern person, I beg of you to pretty please write the fic where the southern reader charms stan! That sounds so cute (no pressure tho, I just really like the idea)

The way I was looking up southern dialects and looking at Fiddleford fics for reference was hilarious. I never wrote a strong dialect before, so I hope I did okay!

Southern Reader x Stan

It's been a minute since the three out you spent some quality time amongst each other that didn't involve something straight out of a nightmare. You swear the Pines family always had a tendency to attract something bizarre, and that's only mildly putting it. But with Soos managing the Shack and Ford, trying his hand at being social much his distaste, the three of you decided to hang out at a small gathering at edge of Gravity Falls, a small get together for the grown folks if you will.

You opted for something light and classy, with some gold jewelery adorning your neck. As you checked your fit to make sure everything was intact, you heard the stairs squeaking as someone came down. You peer over to see Stan fidgeting about with his tie, lips turnt down as his fingers got caught up in the fabric. He was wearing an emerald green button-down shirt with black slacks and a gold buckle belt. His hair was slicked back with a few strands hanging out. He cussed under his breath, muttering about how useless ties are.

But he looked good. Real good.

"Stanley, why ya fightin' yer tie like a snake and eagle caught up inna brawl?" Stan face visibly scrunched up at you speaking to him, grumbling at your metaphor. You laugh at him and take a few strides before shooing his hands away and patting down the fabric. Stan starts to protest a tad, but you hush him. "We'll be 'ere till the sun n' moon touch an' kiss each other g'night if I don't do it for ya. Now hold still." As you're focused on fixing Stan's tie and looping it around properly, you don't notice how his cheeks flush or how he clenches his fist as he takes in your concentrated look. How his eyes linger just a second too long on your face and your neck where the gold necklace resided. He was annoyed at how he was acting like never touched anyone before.

With a final loop and tug, the navy tie falls neatly onto Stan's broad chest. You pat him lightly, your fingers lingering as you eye him up and down teasingly.

"I must say, Stan-boy ya lookin' mighty fine 'ere all gussied up outta dat mystery suit ya love to wear." You watch Stan choke on his own saliva and look away from you. "Damn brat..." he hissed lightly. You pay him no mind, understanding he's flustered & not used to genuine compliments, and pat his shoulder. "Just complimentin' is all. Can't expect ta' mosey all round the falls prettier than a glob of butter meltin' ona stack of pancakes an' spect me ta be all hush hush bout it!" You cackle and turn your attention up to Ford as he comes down the stairs, waving hello and hugging him, calling him prettier than a peach.

Ford as well, with tinted cheeks thanks you before turning to his brother. "Stanley, are you ready to go— Why is your face so red?" You feigning innocent, tack onto Ford's question.

"I concur. Stanford, reckon figurin n tellin' me why yer twin been actin' like a bump on a log? Face more redder than a rooster's wattle," you smirked as Stan glared at you. "It's nothing. Now, let's get this show on the road already!" How adorable.

*please like and reblog, I'd appreciate it!

[in1-nutshell]

Hello! I was just babysitting a friends toddler a while ago. He was four and already LOVED transformers. He expecially loved Bumblebee, and got this mini figure of a Bumblebee (I forgot what version unfortunately) that he thinks is like a guardian angel that can chase away nightmares and monsters and even turn him into a transformer one day as well! And this was SOO cute! So may I request a scenario of G1, TFP, TFA, as well as ROTB Bumblebee meeting a human equivalent of a sparkling that absolutely ADORED him and think he can do anything? Who even claims when he grows up he wants to be a transformer too just like Bee and fight alongside him one day?

All of this... so CUTE! First time I'm doing a multi version of the same character, so hopefully this turns out good! If this isn't what you wanted please let me know!

Hope you enjoy!

Human Buddy the Toddler wanting to be like Bumblebee

SFW, Platonic, Human reader

G1, TFP, TFA, ROTB

G1

Bumblebee is flustered by the toddler wanting to be just like him when they grow up.

He makes them an honorary Autobot.

He chuckles to himself when they tell him about their dream of actually becoming a Cybertronain like him.

“Is that what you really want?”--Bumblebee

“Yeah! You’re so cool and, and you transforming is cool!”--Buddy

“Well, just don’t let Wheeljack or Grampa Sparkplug find out.”--Bumblebee

“Why?”--Buddy

Flashbacks to Autobot Spike incident.

“Trust me, you’re much better off being yourself.”--Bumblebee

“Really?”--Buddy

“Of course! Now let’s go see what the others are doing.”--Bumblebee

When he hears them talking about fighting alongside him, he tries to distract them with telling them about all the better ways of fighting the Decepitcons as a human.

This usually works and they get fixated on other things for the time being.

He does keep a close eye on the toddler in case they do try and go outside of the base or near Wheeljacks lab.

Gets Chip, Carly, Spike and Sparkplug to help better understand the dangers of being a bot and being out in the field.

Occasionally bringing in a guest bot… that’s fit to tell things to them.

“That should be that last speaker. Thanks again Blaster.”--Bumblebee

“No probs Bee! It was fun to talk to the little one.”--Blaster

“Yeah—wait why is the door still closed? I thought that was the last speaker.”--Bumblebee

“Oh, yeah I let Red in there. He said he wanted to have a short talk with Tiny.”--Spike

“Red… Red who—”--Blaster

“Spike, did you let Red Alert in the room?”--Bumblebee

“Yeah?”--Spike

“Oh Primus!”--Blaster

Blaster trying to open the door.

“Red! They’re too young! Open the door!”--Blaster

“You can’t make me! They are never too young to learn about safety protocols.”—Red Alert

“But not ALL of them!”--Bumblebee

“I will call Inferno if you don’t open the door in the next 10 seconds.”--Blaster

“Its okay Mr. Bumblebee! Mr. Blaster! Mr. Red Alert is teaching me how to lock a lock! It’s so cool! It’s like I’m in a spy movie!”--Buddy

“No, not cool, not cool! Someone get Inferno!”--Bumblebee

TFP

Bee, like G1, is a bit flustered that they want to be just like him when they grow up.

When they mention about actually wanting to be a bot, he humors them a bit.

“Beep bop bep? (So you think you got what it talks to be a big bot?)”--Bumblebee

“Yes!”--Buddy

“Bop boop bep beep bep bop.(But being a big bot means that you can’t help Miko color anymore.)”--Bumblebee

“… I’ll think about it.”--Buddy

But he is immediately against them going out to fight.

 He’ll highlight all the things they can do that he can’t do, that he needs their help to be able to do it. Buddy changes their mind… for now.

Bumblebee needs their help, so they are going to help him!

He is now on the lookout in case tiny decides to pull a Miko.

Teams up with Raf to explain why they can’t run head first into danger.

Bumblebee looking over to see Buddy and Miko ‘playing’ a video game with Raf and Jack.

“Hey Bee! Mind giving me a help with the cart for a second? I forgot to attached the cart but I’m already in vehicle form…”--Bulkhead

“Beep! (sure!)”--Bumblebee

Bumblebee attaches a cart to Bulkhead.

“Thanks!”--Bulkhead

Bulkhead driving with the cart into the groundbridge.

Bee waving goodbye before looking back at the kids.

Miko and Buddy are nowhere to be seen.

“Bop, bep beep bep? (Raf, where’s Miko and Buddy?)”--Bumblebee

“Oh, they went to get some soda’s in the other room.”--Raf

Bee’s com link sounds.

“Bep? (Hello?)”--Bumblebee

“I am so sorry…”--Bulkhead

“Bep? (what?)”--Bumbleee

“Hi Mr. Bumblebee! I’m with Mr. Bulkhead and Miko! The caves are so pretty here!”--Buddy

“…”--Bumblebee

“Bee?”--Bulkhead

Sports car transforming noises intensifies.

TFA

Bumblebee lives for the attention and absolutely hypes them up too.

They want to be like him when they grow up. Of course, who else wouldn’t want to be this? The fastest thing on 4 wheels is a great honor.

They actually want to be a bot? Okay, maybe not bot bot but technorganic is still new.

Maybe Buddy might be one too, there is only one way to find out!

“Bumblebee did you bring the circuit—What in the Allspark are you doing!”--Ratchet

Buddy on a high shelf with a helmet on while Bumblebee is at the bottom of the shelf with a pillow.

“Hi Mr. Ratchet! I’m gonna try and fly like Sari! Bumblebee is helping me!”--Buddy

“Oh, is that right? Well as soon as you’re on the ground I need to have a word with Bumblebee.”--Ratchet

“Why?”--Buddy

“Because… the grownups need to talk.”--Ratchet

Ratchet looking at Bumblebee with the ‘I will throw my wrenches at you when they are gone’.

Actually, fight by his side? He puts a stop there.

He tries to reason with them a little bit, mainly pointing out that they could get really hurt and then he would be very sad.

He is surprised that this has worked for a long time.

Teams up with the rest of the team and Sari to explain to Buddy about not going out into dangerous places yet.

Yet.

“C’mon you two it’s time to show everyone your costume!”--Ratchet

“… You promise not to laugh?”--Buddy

“Of course, not now come out we got some trick or treating to get too! You don’t want to best candy to get eaten.”--Bumblebee

“It’s okay I’ll come out with Buddy.”--Sari

“Okay on the count of three… two… one… go!”--Optimus

Sari coming out in her modified Optimus Prime costume with Buddy holding her hand with a homemade Bumblebee costume.

“Aww! Look at that love the color you two! Hey Bumblebee, what do—”--Bulkhead

Bumblebee trying so hard not to cry.

“Are you crying?”--Bulkhead

“N—no”--Bumblebee

“I did after my hero Bumblebee!”--Buddy

Bumblebee is now trying to hold back a full-on sob.

“You sure you’re not crying?”--Prowl

ROTB

Bee is warmed when he hears that the little one looks up to him like that.

It is nice to hear someone say that.

“Bumblebee! Bumblebee!”--Buddy

Bumblebee looking at them waving.

“Look what I drew today!”--Buddy

Bumblebee looking at a picture of him and Buddy holding hands with ‘My Hero!’ written in blue crayon.

“Do you like it? It’s yours!”--Buddy

Bumblebee gently holding Buddy in his servo giving a hug while whirling happy tunes.

When Buddy talks about wanting to be a real bot, he explains as simply as he can that right now it isn’t possible.

Yet there is still hope.

Fighting by his side is completely out of the question. He is not letting them anywhere near the fight if he can help it.

Will have a spark attack if he sees that they stowed away.

Bumblebee has to get help from Noah and Kris so Buddy can understand why it’s dangerous to stowaway.

“But I want to go too!”--Buddy

“So do I Buddy but things can get really bad out there.”--Kris

“And you can’t stowaway in cars. That’s a bad thing to do.”--Noah

“But Mirage said that you tried to carjack him when you two met. I’m pretty sure that that’s even more illegal.”--Buddy

Bee laughing through his radio with Mirage while Kirs is trying to hold it in.

“… Mirage you’re not babysitting them for the next month.”--Noah

[50cal-fullauto-astarion]

x g l a s g o w g r i n n e r

Johnny “Soap” MacTavish x f!OC / 2.1k words

Soap’s always been a little too comfortable playing at violence, always gone-bright when he can turn the threat of it into a promise. Joke’s on the world at large: Special Agent Bordelon’s into that shit.

Or: Soap pulls a knife on a stranger for being a creep, because he’s from the brutal street stabbing capitol of the UK and that’s just how you say “Hi, hey, hello—back the fuck off.” And a million kisses to @lunarvicar for encouraging my bullshit! LOVE YOU NAT 🫶

It is never hard to run with Soap and keep his breakneck pace—the only thing that had been difficult was adjusting to the fact that someone else could finally keep up with hers. It’s a stomach-thrilling shock to look from the corner of her eye, and find the blur of his burly shape there, winking and clicking his tongue without breaking a sweat.

Bordelon is soft for the Scot sook, god forsake the shit out of her.

He’s landed in D.C. on medical leave, a broken collarbone leaving his arm in a sling, and the first thing he’d done—after kissing his way up her neck to the spot behind her ear that made her skin sing and her palms sweat—was sling his good arm around her neck, pulling her in close, and nibbling her earlobe. “Christ, s’it always pishin’ it doon here, too?”

“Naw,” she laughed back, reaching to tangle their fingers together on her chest, his backpack slung over her shoulder, “just October, couillon.”

“Ohh, talk that dirty, fake French to me, mah cherry,” he mock-growled, which just earnt himself a pap! of the palm to his cheek. All play, no sting, and he beamed.

That night burns down to the coals—traipsing back to her apartment, showing off the ugly bruise that bleeds does from his neck to his bottom-rung rib, kissing and touching and figuring out a way to fuck that doesn’t hurt him too-too much.

(The man likes a little ache in it, here and there. Calls dichotomy in that blessed, rock-fall accent. Ratios of sweet to sour, black to white, sun and night. As if he had any more concept of balance and moderation than she.)

He lies across the bed in that silly-ass sling, watching her bitch her smart TV a blue-streak while wearing one of his threadbare navy t-shirts and nothing else. Rubs the spot at the bottom of his sternum, listening to rain slap heavy sheets against the old windows, and says, “Perdita.”

“Don’t you full name me,” she warns, shaking her head, because it is an ill-fitted address. For him, she is Hen, or Perdie, in much the same way he is her Johnny, Jean, or John-boy. A thing you love is all in how you name it, and their names are softened and held close; in the way of lovers who began as friends, once they were strangers no more.

“We’re getting married ��fore I ship back tae Glasgow,” is how he finishes his thought, and Bordelon turns on her hips, back and forth, vaguely pointing the remote at the screen. He gives her a challenging tooth-sharp smirk. “Thought I should warn you.”

“Mhm. Yeah.” She wonders if she should count this a proposal, or call his bluff, and then she thinks—might as well nail both options to the fuckin’ wall while she’s got the knife. “We go our way onto the courthouse tomorrow. Keep it simple, ça c’est bon?”

International marriage is never that simple, though, and they’re both the wiser to it. But the sentiment is pretty, and it sparks amongst the hard-bought bonfire that lives in the depths of her chest, flames rising and licking to glorify his name. So, they call it an engagement, and Soap pulls a turn-around she doesn’t expect, turning his phone off to pull a shade of night over only the two of their heads.

He’s no family to call, apart from his 141, and even then, there’s a hesitance to his hands. Her man—her bombastic, beautiful bastard—could not stand to be a burden, no. A nightmare that is for him, himself. Even if he were to reach out with the utterly, desolately rare delivery of good news (a phenomenon grown so rare that Neptune would sooner complete circuits around the sun these days), it would make his skin crawl.

Were he to have his way, his burdens would never leave the span of his shoulders to weigh down another’s back, even something as small as what might be an inconveniently timed but otherwise benign or even welcome call.

Come the gray and misting morning, he’s handsy and all-paws, even short a limb, groping for Bordelon as the woman rolls upright on the edge of the bed, pushing her sleep-tangled hair away from her face before it irritates her to death. His hand is warm, callused, and heavy with insistence as it settles into the dip of her violin hip, trying to pull her back into the warm expanse of his hard-packed body.

“Perdie, Hen,” he grunts, tone shading toward playful complaint, “the fuck’re y’doin’ awake?”

“Startin’ off,” she croaks, shaking her head, pushing at his fingers as they crawl closer to her cunt. “Stop that—arrête ça! You’re mangy this morning, T’Jean,” she laughs, pushing more firmly at his grip. “No, get up. Got a friend, knows her way ‘round immigration policy, and she always got an envie for brunch.”

“Brunch?” he questions, flat as buried flounder, falling back into her mountains of mismatched pillows with a dreadful look on that handsome face of his. “Darlin’, am no getting my fat ass outta bed, even for brunch. Feel kinda fruity even sayin’ it.”

“Even for to get us married?” she darts back, turning to look at him, drawing her fingers in circles through the hair on his lower stomach, cooing ridiculously in her rasp-rough drawl, “Even for me.”

“Goddamn,” he groans, throwing baby-dog eyes her way. “I mean, was hopin’ you’d take it serious—cannae tell wi’ your ass—but.” He swallows, one of those corny, I’m-about-to-fuck smiles threatening the corner of his mouth, the one that makes him all coy and keen, looking down at her pale, spidery fingers drifting closer and closer through his thick, dark body hair to his fattening cock. “Wouldn’t you rather stay in bed? Cold morning like this, I could keep you warm.”

She just barely brushes her fingers over his cock before she’s snap-sliding out of bed, copperhead quick, tossing over her shoulder, “Nope! Already sent an email, she knows we on the schedule,” on her way to the shower.

Soap drops back against the bed, rubbing his stubbled face, grunting, “Bordelon, you arsehole.”

But he can’t withstand the siren call of watching her in the shower, so, ever-faithful and ever-horned up, he follows after.

D.C. is about as filthied up with the sorrows of addiction and homelessness as any other place, Bordelon supposes. Can’t tell if it’s better or worse than any of the time she spent down New Orleans or Baton Rouge way. Colder, mostly. But it’s not all the time you need to know about the homeless or the drug addicts—keepin’ eyes on them, keepin’ them in your ears, at least at the sides.

Sometimes, it’s the fella in the khakis, with a puffer jacket and prescription glasses, his behaviors making his Rolex look cheap shit.

Bordelon and Soap slide last into the car before the doors pull shut, close to standing-room early in Crystal City as lunch hour approaches. All the suits are out their offices, scrounging for edibles, droning loud and monotone on their cells. Whole car is damp and humid from the downpour, human body heat causing an intense mugginess that crawls under the clothes to irritate the skin. It’s damn near enough to make Bordelon’s head spin, neck uncomfortable with sweat the way it was all them years down deep, deep in the south.

“No, sit doon,” Soap says, flapping the good arm great and wide, trying to get her to pop a squat on the only empty seat left, shaking his head. “Dinnae try bossin’ me, talkin’ wi’ that spooky-arse agency voice. Want away from you a minute.”

He dresses up chivalry as dismissal, and she can’t help but grin, even as she dawdles on sitting.

“What? You don’t like how Tiffany sounds? I swear, she’s perfectly nice. And outstanding in her field. She’s an accomplished agent, and her superiors are recommending her for a promotion,” she says, in that self-same agency voice of which he’d complained—rich and clear, dialect: nonregional, speech pattern: nondescript.

“Oof, fuckin’ hate that, stop,” he snorts, faking a shiver, but he does complain, “Hey, what? Where you goin’?” when she actually does move to sit down, tugging her up by the collar of her shirt just a bit to pop a grinning kiss against her mouth.

She doesn’t realize, at least not right away, that the tug at her collar disrupted her shirt. Just enough to make a few buttons slip, exposing more of her right tit under her open coat. Wore a thin top today, loose, but figured the dark fabric would hide any transparency. Hated tight clothes, hated bras, and never wore one; just figured her rack had spent thirty-three years being nothing to comment on.

Well. More than half a tit exposed was enough to catch the attention of the man who cheapens his Rolex by being the one to wear it.

Soap likes strange things because he, himself, is a strange thing, and Bordelon had thought to take him the two hours north to Philly to hit the Mütter Museum to see their medical abnormalities, because once their brunch is out, they’ll have an entire day to themselves. She’s busy showing him pictures, enticing him, when the woman next to her taps her thigh.

Like an alarm hollerin’ in her head, she starts running two tracks instant-like, leaning without looking as she whispers, “Yeah, chere?”

The woman is older, in maroon scrubs—some kinda tech, smell of jelly on her says maybe ultrasound—and nonslip clogs. Can’t quite see her name badge, but that seems on purpose, covered up by her fleece.

“That man over there—he’s takin’ pictures of you,” she whispers back, straightening her jacket needlessly as a hint, “just wanted you to know. Maybe tell your man?”

“Oh, no,” Bordelon hums, smoothly pulling her shirt back into place, “I tell him, he gonna light that stupid bastard up like a candle.”

“Who’s lightin’ me up like a candle?” Soap stage-whispers, all play, and Bordelon knows exactly how the next ten seconds are gonna go, and it plays out picture perfect to her premonition. Bordelon tells him don’t worry, I got it, the Good Samaritan in maroon scrubs informs him of the creep, and the smile on Soap’s face turns into a flesh-ripper grin as all the fun burns outta his gaze like a gas fire in a hyperbaric chamber.

“Oh?”

“MacTavish,” she warns him, “wait til the stop.”

“Naw, naw, naw. I’ll play nice, Hen.” That means, sure as shit, he won’t.

The switch knife he takes out his back pocket is deadly smooth, and so is his broad step to the stranger and his budget, Amazon-bought phone case, pushing straight into his man-spread legs.

The fact there isn’t an immediate uproar, but the man’s face is blanched and staring up at him with a shitload of oh fuck on his face speaks to Soap’s own scary-ass career, and Bordelon can barely see the tip of the knife pressing into the spot just below the stranger’s ribs.

“Hey, pal, mornin’,” Soap says, bright and easy as anything, voice not droppin’ even a note, head tilted real friendly. “Do me a favor, eh? Just drop your phone next t’my boot, yeah? We’ll just get this little creeper session done and dusted.”

Can’t even hear the clunk when it slides out of the man’s limp hand, and it’s even quieter when the heel of Soap’s boot shifts over to destroy the screen, grinding it to dust.

“Good man,” he says, pulling the knife back to close it and slide it into his sling. “Next stop, you’re off. But you’re gonna leave your phone on the floor. Hope you dinnae eat shet on the way home to your ol’ lady.”

Bordelon resists the urge to slap a hand over her face, but when Soap kicks the phone back to her, she catches it under the toe of her boot, catching the expression of the tech to her side, unsurprised but impressed. Must have herself a man like Soap, waiting for her to make it home.

“Sorry ‘bout the screen, Perdie. Think you can get in there and delete his shet still?” Soap asks, tone a bottom lip pout, and Bordelon nods, tucking her fingers into the back of his belt before snaking them up under his shirt, swirling her fingertips into his back dimples.

“Hah. You know it, Johnny,” she hums, looking up at him from under her lashes. It’s a tenderness, sweet and true, taking up space between her lungs. Mad bastard. Crazy motherfucker. Loony bitch. When he looks back at her, he curls his fingers under her jaw, looking relieved. Poor thing knows hit dog hollers, and he long ago stopped yelping when he was struck. He’s looking to be told he didn’t do something bad. But she finds his pace, she always does. Of course, she did.

But that goes beggin’ the question: what’s a hellhole-heart like her supposed to do with a love like this?

Tag List: @alittleposhtoad @skinnyazn @dotcie @snail-eggs @parttimeprophet @kastlequill 💖💖

[darl-ingfics]

Sicktember Day 7: Borrowed Hoodie

Fandom: EXO

Sickie: Everyone but Chanyeol (flu)

Caregiver(s): Chanyeol

Word Count: 1349

Notes: Sometimes what matters most to me are the silly goose interactions. Also, this clip lives in my head rent free, so I had to give a nod to it.

“Okay, I don’t mean to be that guy, but I literally have no hoodies left, people,” Chanyeol announced. To anyone else, he’d sound beyond irritated. His members, though, was saw right through the hands on hips, pouted lips, weight leaning in one hip routine. 

“Sucks to be you,” Sehun replied, currently scrolling aimlessly on his phone while smushed against Minseok’s left shoulder. He was currently wearing Chanyeol’s navy blue hoodie. Minseok was in the purple hoodie, but he at least had the decency to ask Chanyeol for it instead of raiding his closet. Like the rest of the ungrateful heathens spread throughout the living room.

Chanyeol crossed his arms over his (hoodie-less) chest. “I’m serious.”

“Maybe try covering your mouth and not giving the rest of us the flu, then,” Kyungsoo shot back, less teasing than Sehun. His eyes were blazing, forehead creased with ire, his fury completely untouched by his disheveled, clearly ill appearance. It also didn’t help that he was swimming in one of Chanyeol’s black hoodies. Still, Minseok reached over with the arm Sehun wasn’t using as a pillow and pulled the younger man towards him, guiding his head onto his lap to soothe him. Of the members, Kyungsoo hated getting sick the most, and he’d been incredibly sensitive and ready to fight since he’d spiked a fever two days ago. Especially if anyone made the mistake of reminding him he was sick. 

“Soo-ya, be nice,” Junmyeon (another black hoodie) chided softly. The leader was currently trapped in their recliner under a sleeping Baekhyun (light pink). He didn’t mind being trapped there at all though; the vocalist’s gentle breathing was slowly but surely lulling the leader to sleep as well. And more sleep would be much welcomed after getting only three proper hours the previous night due to A.) Jongin’s fever spiking and causing nightmares that had him throwing up at 3am, B.) Sehun having a panic attack at Jongin puking, and C.) his own coughing. 

“He’s not wrong though,” Sehun added unhelpfully. 

“And it’s not like he isn’t already getting his karma back in the form of… well… this.” Jongin (maroon hoodie) waved his hands in a large circle to encompass the whole of the living room. He was currently sitting on the floor in front of the couch, back resting against Minseok’s legs. He’d plopped down there an hour ago, and nobody had gathered the strength to ask him why yet. 

“Yeah, we’re the world’s best punishment,” Sehun added. “Only fit for the most devious of criminals.”

“You are such drama queens,” Chanyeol groaned, running a hand down his face. 

“And you are the world’s worst nurse,” Sehun shot back, leaning over the back of the couch and pointing an accusatory finger at his fellow rapper. “If you were better at this, maybe we wouldn’t all still be sick.”

“Yeah! Park Chanyeol: worst health care professional,” Jongin played along, patting Sehun’s knee in support. 

“More like health care crisis,” Kyungsoo mumbled. Jongin and Sehun laughed. 

“Guys, I’m right here,” Chanyeol sighed. The past week had undoubtedly been a trial of Herculean proportions. Yes, it was true that Chanyeol had been the first in the group to get sick, but it wasn’t like he’d actively tried to infect the rest of them. It wasn’t his fault they were coming off of a busy award season of back to back performances with tight dressing rooms, little sleep, and mindlessly shared water bottles. He’d been as careful as possible, yet two days after he’d recovered, Jongin woke up coughing, and it was all down hill from there. They’d all dropped in record time. And really the issue over the hoodies was the only tangible way Chanyeol knew how to express his own frustration at having to do this practically by himself. 

“Wait, since when?” Junmyeon joked. Of course Junmyeon was on Chanyeol’s side, even if he couldn’t physically help him much. Minseok too. But the support of his hyungs was meaningless since the rest of the members were a toss up depending on the hour. And, because of that, Chanyeol sighed, conceding the hoodie argument as his audience was clearly not in the right headspace for it.

As he made his way towards the living area, Jongdae (light blue) stumbled into the room, the physical embodiment of clammy and miserable. He staggered to the couch, climbing over the arm by Kyungsoo and settling in behind the younger vocalist so he could rest his head on Minseok’s only available shoulder. 

“Did you throw up again?” Sehun asked, peeking across Minseok. Jongdae nodded, eyes closed. “Well don’t do it again in here, okay?”

“No promises,” Jongdae slurred. Kyungsoo whined, squirming in discomfort until Minseok’s fingers began running through his hair again.  

“Guys, are we pathetic?” Jongin asked from his spot on the floor. 

“Yes,” Chanyeol answered. 

“Pretty sure that’s just a symptom of the flu,” Minseok added, shifting as much as possible to accommodate the grown men sticking to him like magnets. “Also, Yeollie, there are a few of your hoodies in the dryer. I started a load of laundry yesterd- or was it two days ago?” A soft smile creeped up Chanyeol’s lips as Minseok bit his lip in thought. “It… it doesn’t matter when. They’re in the dryer, okay?”

“Thanks, hyung.”

“Hey, don’t help him!” Sehun whined. “That’s not part of the game!”

“What game?” Minseok shook his head. 

“The one where we steal all of his hoodies, duh,” Sehun scoffed. 

“Let me guess: as karma for bringing the flu into the house?” Junmyeon asked sarcastically. Sehun nodded and Jongin snapped his approval.

“Guys, I physically cannot apologize anymore than I have. What more do you want from me?” Chanyeol exclaimed, at the edge of his patience. 

“Sweetheart, they’re delirious, ignore them,” Junmyeon replied peaceably. 

“We want justice!” Jongin exclaimed, throwing a fist in the air. 

“Too loud…” Kyungsoo moaned, burying his face deeper into Minseok’s pajama-clad thigh. Kyungsoo’s shifting disturbed Jongdae, who had nearly fallen asleep, and the older vocalist whined in response. 

“Okay, I physically cannot hold another person, so I’m gonna need you all to at least try to contain your emotions,” Minseok spoke up, more than a tad desperate. “Or I’m gonna need someone to hold me too.” 

“Let’s watch a movie,” Chanyeol suggested. The tension in the room immediately diffused, as both Jongin and Sehun’s snapped to attention at the promise of an activity. Chanyeol was genuinely taken aback, but quickly jumped back into action. “Yeah, let’s put in a movie. We can all chill together.”

“That sounds perfect.” Junmyeon smiled up at him, both pride and relief clear in his eyes. “What movie do you guys want?” Jongin and Sehun both gave their opinions, talking over each other and arguing amongst themselves about the merits of their successive choices. Chanyeol tipped his head to make eye contact with the eldest. “Minseokie, hyung? What do you think?”

Minseok smiled. “The Little Mermaid.”

“The Little Mermaid it is,” Chanyeol declared, swiping the remote from the coffee table and ignoring the protests from the youngest members. It didn’t take long past the opening credits for all complaints to cease, the entire living room absorbed by the magic of Disney. Chanyeol smiled to himself as he returned to the kitchen to check on the soup he’d started earlier; it still had an hour or so to go, but was already smelling amazing. He was rather proud of himself for this one. Sehun and Kyungsoo and Jongin could tease him all they wanted; Park Chanyeol knew a thing or two about successfully nursing his pathetic brothers back to health. 

After checking on dinner, Chanyeol returned to the living room, pulling up one of the chairs from the kitchen table between the recliner and couch so he could easily get up if anyone needed anything. 

“Hey Yeollie?”

The rapper turned his attention to the couch, where Kyungsoo’s whispered voice had called him. “Yeah, bud?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Letting us borrow your hoodies.” 

Chanyeol smiled, all his prior irritation forgotten. “Anything for you guys.”

[according2thelore]

i love the es dean / ls sam dynamic you've set up so much. I feel like it would slowly become a little hard for es dean though, as much as he's also happy as hell -- bc this sam knows him SO WELL and can read him like a freaking book and is able to ~take care of him~ and dean tries soo hard but he can't reciprocate as fully. it's the steak, it's sammy pushing him away for older dean after a nightmare, it's something happening that sets him off and sam just LEAVES (okay, to the gun range, not leaves-leaves, but STILL) and when es!dean tries to follow ls!dean won't let him, says he needs the time alone to regulate.....

I think it would be really tough for 26yo dean who is so used to caring for people--who LOVES caring for people--and is not so used to being doted on. and ofc ls sam knows he's trying and adores him for it and isn't at all upset but still... i think the role reversal, as it is, would be tough for him at times.

you're so right, anon!!!!

and EEP!!! thank you!!! ES!Dean and LS!Sam are just *sounds of me devouring them like the cookie monster*

you've hit the nail right on the head!

one of my favourite things about dean as a character is his crippling desire to be essential.

i think this trait is a lot more baldly demonstrated in the early seasons--he's collapsing inwards from it. he needs to be essential to dad, but he's not. he needs to be essential to sam, but he's not.

hell, he says it S1E2: "saving people, hunting things" -- he needs to be needed. his entire identity is built on the necessity of his existence. he has to hunt these monsters, because they (civilians) rely on him. who is going to protect them if i don't? i sacrifice my health and safety and life so the ambiguous "you" are safe.

LS!Dean takes a more back-step approach to this: he has a circle of friends/family that he wants to be important to, but he really only needs to be essential to sam (the trials, kicking cas out of the house in a time of particular need, not being responsive to jack's need to connect, etc.). he has his reasons, but he's a lot more jaded, and connects less with individuals on hunts. a barest touch less "saving people" a touch more "hunting things."

but for ES!Dean?? babygirl he NEEDS IT!!!! he loves serving a purpose!!!!! when sam says "i need you to be my brother again, because, just because--" DEAN DROPS EVERYTHING!!!! HIS BABY NEEDS HIM!!!

people needing ES!Dean is his purpose! so i think an LS!Sam who has needs that dean can't fill, or that can only be filled by someone else (like LS!Dean), it would tear ES!Dean down from the inside.

and he's not used to being doted on! his whole purpose is functionality to the user. ES!Sam just came back after not-needing dean so hard that he left for four years, some of that no-contact.

so for LS!Sam to choke down a steak that he can't stand, or take ES!Dean to the store and insist on buying him whatever cool shit he can fit in his arms; to, hell, even the quiet moments, of LS!Sam bringing ES!Dean his beer first. or salting ES!Dean's fries at the counter like he likes them before they even sit down.

it's confusing!!!! ES!Dean keeps trying desperately to reciprocate, to prove that i have function too! i know you, too! i'm not ungrateful, and i'm not purposeless, and you should keep me! please keep me!

but he keeps misstepping! from big things like the steak or being unable to calm sam down from a panic attack to small things like not knowing which weird hippie cereal sam likes best.

he keeps trying to provide and to dote and to care, but LS!Sam needs different things from dean than he did when he was 22.

of course, LS!Sam is giddy and smiling softly and wants to hold his little baby face between his hands because he can tell ES!Dean is trying so hard. ES!Dean adores being doted on, as much as it's confusing and strange, because it makes him feel wanted!

you said it--ES!Dean LOVES caring for people! it's how he expresses his love and devotion and intention! and being unable to fully reciprocate this attention from LS!Sam would break his little ES heart!

he can't understand why LS!Sam sometimes needs to leave to regulate (and a small, frantic, base part of him panics bc the last time sam needed "space," dean didn't hear from him for two years). dean's not good at giving space, lol. he wants to be needed! he needs it! he loves it!

by the way, i ADORE the way you wrote this. your insight!! your talent!! mwah!!!

YOU GET IT!

-lizzy

[butchhamlet]

hi it's me again im the anon who dropped about 800 words about ocd hamlet a couple weeks ago (maybe longer, time has been weird for me lately).. it made me soo happy to see it resonated with you and with some other people who reblogged it as well!! i've been projecting on hamlet ever since i read it and it feels like every time i read it i learn more about him AND me... and ever since Symptoms showed up he's been even dearer to me and im just so glad people like my interpretation as well :)

i hope it's ok for me to do this again because i want to talk about what if lady macbeth has ocd also. and i know this is sort of well. dangerous if that's the right word because 1) lady macbeth IS the villain in her play even if i love her from the bottom of my heart and i support everything she does and ocd is already an incredibly stigmatised and misunderstood 2) hand washing is possibly THE most stereotyped compulsion that sort of epitomises this really warped view of ocd in the public consciousness. i personally do not have handwashing as a compulsion or really any physical compulsions that are direct responses to my intrusive thoughts so i will try to be really really careful when im talking about this. + other disclaimers: again while i have definitely experienced symptoms of ocd i do not know if i have it and i am NOT diagnosed + ocd experiences are different for everyone + you cannot diagnose a character because they are not real + this one is mostly projection and is more a frame of reading than it is an interpretation grounded in textual evidence (esp since i will be talking about the sleepwalking asleep a LOT and she is technically, well. sleeping.) so just. take everything with a pinch of salt and please let me know if i ever overstep!!

im mainly going to be drawing on experiences close to real event ocd even though i know that typically real event ocd is defined by the fact that the sufferer blows their past mistakes way out of proportion and/or question their memories, and i guess i cannot say that lady macbeth’s guilt is completely unjustified because uh. she did kill a man.! but i do think her behaviours after the murder reflects what i’ve seen people speak about online as well as some of the experiences i’ve had. 

guilt as illness

this is more general to the whole play i guess but i wanted to point out how the consequences of the macbeths’ regicide is absolutely portrayed as a disease. there’s a LOT of foreshadowing in lady macbeth’s advice to her husband in the immediate aftermath of their murder: she tells him not to “think / so brain sickly of things”, and says, “these deeds must not be thought / after these ways so, it will make us mad”. (2.ii) the doctor later alludes to “infected minds” (5.i) in relation to lady macbeth’s madness. the fact that the fixation on guilt is seen as an illness i think fits so well with ocd: whenever im having a bad day with intrusive thoughts and mental spirals it genuinely feels like there is something festering in my brain like a parasite feeding on anxiety. 

guilt is also so intrinsically linked to sleep in macbeth: famously macbeth comes out of the king’s chamber ranting about how he may “sleep no more; macbeth doth murder sleep”, and lady macbeth’s obsession pours out of her when she is sleeping (and this is exactly why a doctor is called). i would argue that fucked up sleep is somewhat presented as an illness in ‘macbeth’ too; or if not, at least unnatural. this idea is all over act 2 scene ii (right after macbeth commits the murder) but i think it’s best epitomised in act 3 scene iv: “you lack the season of all natures, sleep.” (lady macbeth) season as in both night-season and seasoning/preservative. so sleep is both a natural part of life, and something that keeps things the way nature or god intended. the doctor says too that disturbed sleep is “a great perturbation in nature” (5.i). nightmares are DEFINITELY depicted as illness: macbeth says that they “sleep / in the affliction of these terrible dreams / that shake us nightly” (3.ii)

insomnia is highly associated with ocd since the obsessions/compulsions prevent sleep and sleep deprivation increases the commonality AND duration of obsession. if a significant portion of your day is spent devoted to obsessions/compulsions, there’s a chance they may become assimilated into intrusive dreams, since dreams are generally regarded as a way that the brain processes memories. thus, we can see that the way guilt in ‘macbeth’ is linked to disturbed sleep parallels how ocd is linked to sleep disorders. so not only is guilt itself an illness in ‘macbeth’, it links to other disorders too

2. withdrawal from dialogue

lady macbeth stops being on equal footing in terms of number of lines with macbeth after the murder. from act 3 she really only responds briefly to what macbeth says, and she’s not even in act 4. i sort of see that as her being dragged under her spiralling thoughts and retreating further and further back into her mind. i know i definitely zone out a LOT more on days where im being absolutely bombarded by intrusive thoughts. she’s definitely disoriented by the begining of act 3:

nought’s had, all's spent, where our desire is got without content. ’tis safer to be that which we destroy, than by destruction dwell in doubtful joy. (3.ii)

the whole soliloquy (if you can even call it that—it’s only 2 couplets) is riddled with paradoxes and confusing wording. her mind is completely scattered and it feels to me as if she’s just been arguing with herself. this might be reaching slightly (as if this entire post isnt kind of reaching already. sorry) but to me it kind of mirrors the absurd leaps of logic my intrusive thoughts and rumination can sometimes take: how can it be “safer” to be destroyed? how can “joy” be doubtful? it doesn’t make sense, and it’s confusing and frightening, but it feels absolutely real. (also note: as you’ve said before ocd is sometimes called the doubting disease. and lady macbeth calls her experience “doubtful”….

3. the mad scene

(disclaimer again i KNOW she is supposed to be asleep the entire time BUT i am going to. sort of. ignore that. sorry</3)

in the beginning of act 5 scene i, lady macbeth’s lady-in-waiting says,

since his majesty went into the field, I have seen her rise from her bed, throw her nightgown upon her, unlock her closet, take forth paper, fold it, write upon't, read it, afterwards seal it, and again return to bed — yet all this while in a most fast sleep.

i’ve never experienced physical compulsions myself, but this sort of repeated, methodical act matches how i’ve seen people describe them. the doctor specifically calls them “actual performances”, which suggest, i think, something mechanical and dictated in some way; “perform” is definitely a word i’ve seen people use to descrive carrying out compulsions. (do correct me if i’m wrong!)

then let’s look at lady macbeth’s actual speech:

out, damned spot, out, I say. — one, two — why, then, 'tis time to do't. — hell is murky. — fie, lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard! what need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?

the jumping around of her thoughts honestly feels exactly like my mind alternating between intrusive thoughts and desperately trying to justify why they aren’t true. she goes from reflecting on her debillitating guilt, to being anxious about going to hell, to replaying and checking her memories, to reassuring herself (and macbeth) that she won’t get caught, and then to thinking about her guilt again. it’s a rapid-fire, relentless cycle that continues throughout the scene. she’ll jump from reenacting a moment with her husband, to the obsessing over the blood on her hands, then back again. notably, in her address to macbeth, she never seems to be reenacting the exact same moment. she taunts him for his cowardice seemingly before the murder, then pleads with him, saying that “banquo cannot come out his grave”, then goes back to when they are fleeing the crime scene. i think this reflects the sort of distortion of memory that constant memory checking and ocd can cause. the moodswings and the flip-flopping between “everything’s fine” and “i’m going to hell” are also SO intense and honestly it’s exactly what it feels like on my worst days. 

in the entire scene, lady macbeth speaks in prose instead of verse: it’s obviously a sign of madness by itself, but i also think it reflects the complete loss of control she has over her thoughts and actions. in the beginning acts she is all about control: she demands “spirits / that tend on mortal thoughts” (1.v) to do her bidding, she tells macbeth to “leave all the rest to me” (1.v), and she tells him what to do at every moment. but at this point in the play she can’t stop the onslaught of regrets, guilt, and memories, and she can’t even control herself physically.

speaking of the elephant in the room: the excessive handwashing. i think of lady macbeth’s handwashing as less of a reaction to a genuine fear of contamination, but as something more akin to body-repetitive behaviours like skin-picking (dermatillomania) and hair-pulling (trichitillomania, which i think i have) which are associated with ocd.

i sort of headcanon lady macbeth to have absolutely horrible skin splits on her hands (<- this part is complete projection): and so following this interpretation, i think of her handwashing sort of as a form of self-flagellation because rubbing her hands continually will make the skin tear and bleed. (gore tw?) that, then, fits in with the blood on her hands: in her semi-conscious state she thinks it’s duncan’s, when it’s really hers.

i know that another common compulsion is counting: and lady macbeth does count (“one, two—’tis time to do it.”) one of the reasons people with ocd may count (and there are many reasons, this is not the be-all-end-all) is “attaching meaning to particular numbers where certain numbers will induce anxiety, while others will reduce anxiety. for example, if you assign special meaning to the number three, you might count your steps by threes, or lock and unlock your car three times before driving, or any variety of other action ruled by this magic number.” (<- quoted from nocd website)

i also know that repetition of words or phrases is another common compulsion. and these are lady macbeth's final lines:

to bed, to bed; there's knocking at the gate. come, come, come, come, give me your hand. what's done cannot be undone. — to bed, to bed, to bed.

4. her death

in your ocd hamlet post, you talked about how hamlet’s death is almost peaceful in his “silence”, and how horatio, despite knowing all his flaws and obsessions, believes wholeheartedly in his salvation. (that honestly means the world to me, by the way, so thank you.) the macbeths went through EVERYTHING together: the planning, the crime itself, the aftermath—it’s clear from their dialogue that at the beginning of their sufferings they saw each other go through sleeplessness, nightmares, and obsession. but over the course of the play, they completely fall apart. (i think the last time macbeth uses “we” to refer to the two of them is to say “we’ll to sleep” and “we are yet but young in deed”, which is the most ironic thing ever.) macbeth’s only response to lady macbeth’s death is “she should have died hereafter.” i honestly don’t know what that means in terms of the ocd reading, or in comparison with horatio's reaction to hamlet's death. i'd love to know what you think.

thanks for bearing with me!! i’m a bit less confident in this reading than i am for ocd hamlet, and it’s more likely i’ll get something wrong about ocd in this one, but sorry i just wanted to unleash this somewhere i hope that’s okay and genuinely please tell me if i say anything wrong or insensitive! i also typed this over 3 hours and went over the text as if this was a homework essay.....? and it is now almost 2am so i’m sorry if this isn’t coherent. i hope you’re having a wonderful day :)

hi same anon here i forgot to put this in but. i listened to verdi macbeth opera mad scene una macchia è qui tuttora the whole time i was writing that thing in case anyone would like to know...... i love it so so much my favourite video recording is by sylvia sass on youtube https://youtu.be/tP59Ox8MdQ4?feature=shared&t=319 AND there are full productions of the opera on youtube as well. thank you so much for reading!!!!

YES.... YES..... YESSSSSSSSSS I LOVE AN OCD LADY MACBETH... IT'S ABOUT THE GUILT IT'S ABOUT THE REPETITION DOES EVERYONE HEAR ME? TODAY WE ARE DOING GUILT AND REPETITION

i have had similar thoughts about the sort of inherent trickiness of it (oh, the lady who washes her hands a lot has ocd? whoa, totally original thought that has nothing to do with pop culture perception of ocd) (and also she did kill a man). but you really said it all with that ksdhfdksnfdsn. i will pitch in that i DO have handwashing compulsions and tbh. i personally think lady macbeth ocd reading is a net win even if it does trail a little close to stereotypes because if you dig even slightly deeper than "haha handwashing" it allows for an examination of ocd not just as an action but also as a manifestation of guilt and illness. which is SO macbeth. the body politic is sick the government is sick!!! again im taking the words right out of your mouth here this ask whips ass

shaking your hand on conceiving of ocd as something parasitical. really feels like there is some Thing up there feeding on my brain. (also on intrusive thought dreams. fucked upppppp like man leave me alone)

AND ON THAT NOTE i feel like even if she is asleep it can still be ocd. i say this with no medical training whatsoever and this isn't, like, me asserting that people actually do compulsions while asleep, but on a narrative level, the emotional processes happening to her character are petty clear even if she's sleepwalking, right. once again no medical training whatsoever

the jumping around of her thoughts honestly feels exactly like my mind alternating between intrusive thoughts and desperately trying to justify why they aren’t true. [...] the moodswings and the flip-flopping between “everything’s fine” and “i’m going to hell” are also SO intense and honestly it’s exactly what it feels like on my worst days.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. the ugly intrusive thought -> self-reassurance -> self-reassurance makes it worse -> intrusive thought (harder and worse) spiral. and literally this is EXACTLY what it feels like. me when i accidentally say something rude and then i'm evil for three days. except she killed a man

i sort of headcanon lady macbeth to have absolutely horrible skin splits on her hands (<- this part is complete projection): and so following this interpretation, i think of her handwashing sort of as a form of self-flagellation because rubbing her hands continually will make the skin tear and bleed. (gore tw?) that, then, fits in with the blood on her hands: in her semi-conscious state she thinks it’s duncan’s, when it’s really hers.

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH. ON AN ANALYTICAL LEVEL AND A PERSONAL LEVEL. LITERALLY THE LEAPS I CAN DO IN MY BEAUTIFUL MIND TO BE LIKE WOW IM JUST LIKE LADY MACBETH (BLOOD ON MY HANDS). YOU N ME BROTHER

and re: her death and the macbeths splintering apart. that is honestly the most painful part of this play for me, as a lover of evil couples and also of their specific dynamic. the fact that they mesh so well at the beginning (i mean, they argue, there's friction, but they're clearly on the same page--they enter their first shared scene both thinking the same thing and a lot of their communication is in implication) and then they just. fragment. and i think with the OCD ladymac reading it's even worse, because the thing about OCD at least in my experience is that. at some point the people around you stop being able to understand what the fuck your problem is. even when they're trying really hard. because it doesn't make any sense! the compulsions don't make logical sense the self-flagellation doesn't make any sense none of it is SOLVING anything but it also does make sense, To You, on a level you cannot really explain to people that don't Get It*. and so like. the macbeths are already breaking apart because of their responses to the murder, and this is just one more thing coming between them. she is trapped in a cage in her brain that he cannot see.

*(i think not infrequently about the overlap between OCD and psychosis; i haven't experienced psychosis and obviously there are major differences, but i relate a lot to what psychotic people have said about, like, the ability to hold multiple contradictory truths at once. my compulsions will not actually stop disasters from happening, but they also will. you could maybe pull in something about macbeth's parallel loss of control + his hallucinations? but i'm not diagnosing macbeth with psychosis necessarily i'm just saying words).

anyway, anon, i am always extremely impressed by your dedication to writing out quotes and coming armed with evidence, and also your analysis fucking bangs. this is such a good ask i need to frame it on the wall your mind is huge. i hope you have a wonderful day as well :)

[zu-is-here]

Hi zuu! How are you??? Merry early Christmas by the way!

I drew this silly oc at school!

I wonder how will aim spend this Christmas? Did he make a list for sansta? If so, how long is it (I remember myself making one with ifk how many toys lmao)

And second thing, I think Post Dark Cream Nightmare and Aim would fit so well with that one my little pony song "Open Up Your Eyes"! I did say this a few times but u didn't see my message,,,

Also a Lil evolution of my cats due lack of ideas since I'm not in the best mood for jokes or other stuff- (they are a big boy and a big girl)

Hii Vincent!╰(*´︶`*)╯Really good, thanks <3 And you?? ☆ Merry early Christmas to you too! (*´∇｀*)

It turned out soo nice *^* Heheh same! I believe Aim always makes a big list so Santa can find at least something from this for him >:3 Oh, I just came up with an idea... ♪

Ah!! I'm so sorry for missing the asks, my inbox is being pretty chaotic (>w<") This is a really powerful song indeed! ☆ I think Nightmare might think so, but he couldn't afford to ruin someone's childhood again (like they did to him and his brother) (úwù)

Awww they're such big babies! (〃ω〃) Thank you so much for sharing, and hopefully it'll get better for you ♡

UPD:

Thank youuu <3 Best of luck to you with it! (*'▽'*) And have a goood rest too ☆

[spiritfeelingscriggles]

So obviously I had this hella sapphic dream about planet earth personified as one does and well...

When she laughed. I was hypnotised at how the light of her face curved, like a thousand sunrises. I kissed her. I felt her smile in this kiss...

...Soo yeah thats from what I wrote about it. Very gay tbh. And like eco... lusty? & ofc it was my dream, not my nightmare, so I was her special little human😇

Anyway what I wrote about it:

The calling.

There was a calling, thats what they called it anyway. There's no way to express such a thing with a human tongue, or a human anything really.

Here she was. The earth goddess. With a body.

A body that all could see, to a certain degree, and that a blessed few would be able to really see.

It's not as if she was cloaked in flesh, the way we are. A flesh design such as ours, could not even humour to hold such a being. A goddess.

No.

She looked like star light, she looked like mountains as they crumbled, the sea as it rocked, and waved.

She looked like the purest sense of the feeling that is love. Even with a body she towered everybody. Not that anyone had the confidence, to even try to stand to their full height. Whilst in her presence.

The chosen.

She came to free her children, the ones that loved her the most loyally and deeply, the ones who never lost a connection to her. A connection, that they would emotionally nurture and more, despite how man would only make them suffer more by doing so.

These same children, were the ones who suffered the most traumatically, at the hands of the human induced disease, we named 'the ecocrises'.

Her children one by one, without a build up, with no pattern as to who is first or next, or last, would feel it. That indescribable feeling we lamely term 'the calling'. It makes your body drop, as you in an instant become overwhelmed, with being seen, directly for the first time ever.

It's what each of her children had been desperately aching for, since their infant years on earth. A recognition only she could give. It would bathe them in light, even in the darkest hours, and in the darkest lands. They would shine from it, before totally submitting their body to her, without even seeing her yet.

They would cry. And cry. And some would pray, or scream the agonies they had been waiting to release. Some would laugh deliriously, or punch something just to make sure it was real. But all of them would crawl. She would speak in their minds, 'come to me', and though she never told a single one to come crawling, every single one would.

The call of their God planet, would free them so much, that they would comfortably fall into their animal body that they had been, so socialised to disconnect from.

They would crawl as if they had never not, and with time gleefly pick up pace only to notice that with every step, or leap, they could feel her light wrapping their body and making it lighter. Which in turn made it easier to go faster, and leap further, and higher.

My time.

One day I was out with my family. We were taking the usual route, passing all the humans that seemed to exist simply to fill space, to make the experience feel more real, to distract you from your own being, and its connection to earth.

By this point I was already well afflicted by scopophobia, and as the ecocrises grew so did all mental health issues worldwide.

Such as, with my scopophobia, which was largely induced by the masses that seemed only to exist, as a reality filler, to add depth to your percieved experience.

Like many of earths children, the ills of man and the diseases they brought, had found us the few, in many interlocking 'minorites' of society.

When you obtain so many minority spaces just to be able to fit at all, its easier to start desiring to not be seen. As the 'filler' humans stare out any difference, even in their own, mostly copied & pasted, expressions of self.

So, as I walked the usual route with my family, I as usual was avoiding peoples faces, not that it matters, as everything that is. Is energy. So even a look can be physically felt. And boy do the children of earth that were being called to, feel it. Feel it all, everything, and thats after, years of trying to disconnect from such a sensitivity.

Lord knows it would be a godly power in itself, if we lived in a world where suppressing such a thing would not be a necessity.

We were all aware I think. Me and my family. Aware, that I would likely be called, all the patterns were there for the types being called to. And, it just made sense. Deeply.

Yet I was still nervous, almost like before your first ever date and you're excited but can't shake the worry of some level of rejection, of misreading and ultimately feeling let down by yourself.

Then it happened. I knew it in the second before it happened. I began to look upward. I don't know why.

Then in an instance my breathe left, and my body felt something unexplainable.

My family and I turned, they knew too. Even though the physical signs had not yet begun.

Then there was light. I felt it as if she, the earth, embraced me. With a level of love, and understanding thats hard to bare, but longed for. As I felt this, I then started to give it, from my own being.

Thats when everyone else could see, all the passers by, my family.

I was becoming light. It poured down my eyes like gold, rushed from the top of my head, out my pineal gland, both my hands, pelvis down through my legs to my feet, strong, blinding, beams. That burnt as they left me. The pain of it, truly a physical ecstacy I'd yet to experience, but had me remember, the darker moments of my mental health, when wanting to rip out of my own skin. I understood now, that was really just me seeking  this feeling i now had, that I was truly seeking.

The crawl.

I dropped, in submission to her. Normal social anxieties flew away with all the fucks I no longer gave because it had happened. Finally. I was seen and above that was going to see, her.

On my knees, I smiled as tears blurred my vision. I looked to my family, I could see their apprehension, would I really come back to them? Would I want to?.

I knew I would, but I felt their anxiety, along with their solidarity and compassion.

We gave eachother a knowing look

"I love you"

"I'ts"

*in unison* Them: "Your". Me: "My"

"Time."

I turned ready to approach her as if I knew she was about to call to me.

'Come',

I began crawling, as soon as I did I noticed how my body felt different. Unburdened, as if every bit of me right down the molecular vibrational levels was unlocking, becoming totally unbounded.

I laughed, causing a couple of tears to bounce away from my glimmering eyes.

Every move forward was like stretching different parts of my body for the first time. As if they had been restrained from finishing a full stretch, my whole life up until this moment.

Bliss. It was pure bliss. Endorphins quickly took over. I was laughing, or so I was told, I'm sure I'd heard her laughing with me in my mind.

Once by her feet my head dropped into loyal submission to show my respect, that I knew this physical form was all her, she made it as she could so easily destroy it, she fed it, watered it, kept it together even when I fought it, or struggled to help.

Her.

I began to sob, my tears seemed to pour the purest of sparkling water, that seeked only to bathe her feet. I felt her pull and closed my eyes as I allowed my head to go against her calve. I can't explain what she looked like, or felt like that well at all. My head against her was like being half in an ocean, and space. But instead of the weight of those spaces, I just felt more like the wind, when it blows to you in soke seaside town.

When we walked, she read my mind pondering why none that she called to, were male identified, she told me how those who had claimed the title of 'men' were not even built with the emotional abilities needed to help her heal, let alone be a lover. She laughed at the idea.

It became apparent, rather quickly, that she treated my company different to the others. Even the smiles she offered me were slightly different, some I think had never been seen by a human before.

When she laughed. I was hypnotised at how the light of her face curved, like a thousand sunrises. I kissed her. I felt her smile in this kiss. I began to float upward. So taken by my emotions. It may sound strange but floating up, felt like the most natural thing. Like it was bizzare that I had never done that before. Bizzare it wasn't a causal daily occurance. The way my feelings pulsate, changed shape, grew and re-energised, puffing me up in my spirit. The only way to feel such things, was to float. Her hands clasped the sides of my face, entirely delicate and entirely firm. Both to embrace me for the sake of embracing itself, and to allow me to float without having to restrain it in order to not float away entirely.

Ecstacy. I've put this before now. But its a perfect word for her. Experiencing her. Experiencing, my animal body, in the presence of its creator. Yes. Ecstacy. Pure, unbridled, ecstacy. At some point I put my hands on her chest, I pushed gently for her release, she let go watching me as if she knew something was coming even though at this point all I knew is I needed to take  a breath. But the moment I breathed I began to sing. More like a call in itself. And a cry. But above all, a song. It was too primal to be recognised by human feigning, and as I did, light poured from my throat out of my mouth. The vibrations that left looked like, that light had turned to a sea made of silk.

Everything that light of my call shone on, was healed, and became more. Trees girthier, taller, greener, healthier, in bloom. She would react to this. As if it was the most pleasurable of sensations to feel. At one point as my song healed a particularly diverse bit of the earth, having me catch my breath for the first time during, I saw her, eyes rolling back like a volcano eruption being rewound. Her fingers sliding through the wetness of her hair as if to ground herself.

I felt like my body grew when I pleased her.

--

[i-have-one-braincell]

What's your favourite usm episode? And which one made you start shipping spideyfist?

Omg I LOOOVVEEEEEE S1 Ep25 it’s my most favorite episode throughout the entire show. I always rewatch it to move on from my writing blocks and its just SOOO GOODD😭😭.

One can really feel the pain that Harry was feeling in the beginning and the viewer (finally) watching how Peter being Spider-Man affected his relationship with Harry at that moment and his hesistance of leaving Harry from the team’s call. I loved how Peter found it how slightly annoying it is to follow his motto of ‘Great Responsibility’ after ditching Harry and even wish to have his Peter Parker life in order, something that wasn’t really brought into light into the season until that episode.

I also enjoyed the dynamic that Danny and Luke had in the warehouse of Danny reassuring Luke to calm down. I adore their friendship in other media and I haven’t seen them fully interact with each other in private or have conversations together so watching that scene in the beginning of the episode completely healed my PowerFist heart ❤️.

Doc Ock backstabbing Norman was very well done. Watching it, I couldn’t help but feel excited when Doc Ock backstabbed him and his cruel method of controlling him like how Norman controlled him throughout the season.

Goblin’s theme in the episode when he transformed was very chilling that fitted the situation soo well from how uncontrollable and violent he was as Goblin considering of how easily he took down the team and Doc Ock as Peter watched, unsure of what to do and hesitant since he’s Harry’s dad.

The fight between them was well done especially when Peter attempted to help Norman and reminding him of Harry and finally deciding that he wouldn’t hesitate to hurt Norman if it meant protecting his team.

Watching Peter becoming angry at himself for being the cause of hurting the people that he cares about was like music to my ears. I never saw Peter express those worries in the past episodes until this one and that made me very happy that I got the Spider-Man that I wanted until the next episode 😅😅.

And to answer your second question, I have to say that the first episodes that made me ship Spideyfist would be S1 Ep5 and 13.

I just thought it was cute of how Danny was the only one who gave Peter decent advice of being his own person than being like Tony Stark and actually believed in him to control the suit and trusted Peter’s plan unlike the others. The last minute of the episode was really cute also of how Peter slid his chair across Danny with a grin and arm around him and speaking so soft towards him. I really enjoyed the fortune cookie joke that Danny gave to Peter as a comeback to what Peter said to him before his suit gotten hacked.

Danny’s trust in Peter’s actions remains true to Ep 13 of Danny only waking Peter up and actually finds him trustworthy. And also Peter’s spider senses matching Danny’s wavelength, like hello??😭😭 Peter trying to get Danny out of his senses in his nightmare and being the first to discover his insecurities and self-doubt was very cute.

I very much ship them from how wholesome their relationship is and how they can relate and learn from one another like in the episodes. They would have problems in the relationship for sure, dating a hero isn’t easy nor the healthiest, but I believe that they would manage to figure everything out as a couple would.

[lussterpurge]

If I may be annoying again songs, another good song for Alain is Sacrifice by Jeff and Casey Lee Williams.

I think it’s a good song when it comes to his feelings towards Lysandre when he finally goes against him. From “Close your eyes now, time for dreams” to “Reap the seed” feels like it better encapsulates Lysandre, but the chorus “You can’t have my life, I’m not your sacrifice” screams Alain to me. Also the lines “What if all the plans you made were not worth the price you paid? Even with the lives you stole, still no closer to your goal” fits Alain’s outlook towards Lysandre to at least some degree.

Song - https://youtu.be/qXYUwsF9S1w?si=TtdG7hu1pfoB-xFY

It also fits Ash very well because he was also nearly sacrificed by Lysandre. Like, he was practically crucified by him.

(I’m so normal about RWBY music. I have more connections with it and Alain)

WOW WHAT. Yall r sending such sad music it's crazy omg. YEAH.

"Did the things you thought you should, all the things they said were good"

"You can try, but I'm free, and you won't conquer me" god forbid a teenager (Alain) repeats this to themselves every time they have nightmares.

THIS SONG IS SOO GOOD WHAT THE HELL. lowkey need this in my playlist TYSM

[th3-royalty]

Xiao my beloved {2}

A/N (Hi sorry for dropping this story for so long I didn't know where I wanted it to go but now I have a psuedo Idea, anyway happy Lantern Rite!!)

After explaining to Aether and Paimon my odd and nonsense sounding story, we head off to Liyue. Why you may ask, well because I want to find a way home and the best way to do that would be talking to a certain immortal since he may know how to send me home.

"soo Paimon gets the whole falling into a new world thing but why are you dressed like that" she asks me curiously. "Well I was sleeping when I got here so obviously I would be wearing my pajamas" I say with a serious expression. Honestly sometimes I wonder how Paimon managed to live without the Traveler, before they met it makes little sense to me.

"are you gonna wear that as we go to Liyue?" Paimon responds. "Well I don't have any other clothes? Since ya know I feel out of the sky?". Which is what I told Aether and Paimon, that I was in my world but then woke up and was here in Teyvat. Thank the Archons Aether was sweet and decided to help me otherwise I don't know what I would do. Probably get killed by the abbys, or a rogue hillichurl. Due to the fact I am now an annoying side character in Genshin, who is helpless!! Ugh I hate this. Getting out of my own thoughts I take a look around, it's so beautiful with the mountains and the trees.... And now I'm getting bit by mosquitoes.. man I forgot how much I dislike the outdoors.

Anyway I am roused from my thoughts when Aether states " Hey I have some extra clothes that I was given on my adventures, they may fit you? Since I got them from a friend in Inazuma" why did he have extra clothes and who gave him these clothes that he was so sure would fit me? I ponder this as he pulls them out. I take one glance and realize oh these are Itto's clothes, I don't know a person they wouldn't fit or at least be too big for. "That works thank you so much for your help" I say as I grab the clothes that are definitely not my size. I didn't even realize Itto has any shirts but oh well. "I'm gonna go change real quick over there" I point to a thicket in the path, which should give me enough cover. "Alright me and Paimon will wait for you here"

I go off to change and try to get myself looking somewhat presentable, thank goodness I feel asleep in a bra last night, or else it would really be a nightmare. As I'm walking away however someone approaches Aether. "Who is this mortal you have brought with you?" a voice I would recognize in a heartbeat if I wasn't so far away and not looking. "There a person from another world like me, also xiao it's rude to sneak up on people you almost gave Paimon a heartache." Aether responds "another? How did they end up here and are they a threat" "Them? I don't know how they got here but I can mostly definitely assure you they aren't a threat. Anyway we are heading off to Liyue to see if Zhongli knows anything that could help."

As they are talking I come walking back not even realizing the fictional love of my life is standing there. "I think these will work even if they are a little big." That's an understatement they do not fit at all. "Oh that's good maybe we should find something that actually fits in Liyue. Also I have someone who I'd like you to meet." Oh who is it, then I look up and see him, I am trying to keep my cool and not immediately flip out!!! "Would you like to introduce yourself?" Aether asks who I already know is Xiao. "hello... I'm Xiao..." " Pleasure I'm (y/n)" WOO I said that so smoothly as if I don't even know who he is!! "Xiao will you be walking with the 3 of us to Liyue?" Aether questions the boy with amber eyes. "I may if I have time, I have other things to do for now so farewell, I may meet you there" Xiao says then he is off in a puff of smoke. I just met the love of my life for .2 seconds. I'm in heaven.

(Read part 1 here)

Hope you all enjoyed the second part of My beloved after waiting like 6 months 🤣

Thank you for all the support in the first installment and maybe of you all like it I will make the 3rd faster. I really appreciate your feedback and hope you enjoy.

[deputyash]

To the New Year! 🎇 🎉

This is a super long post, but I really wanted to make it because 2022 has definitely been a year about reconnecting with friends and making new ones. 

I was more or less gone from this blog for two years and despite the various criticisms people have about it, it was the Collapse DLC that brought me back. I realized how much I missed talking with people and having fun sharing things with friends. 

When I first came back, I was incredibly nervous because I wasn’t sure what I would come back to. I was worried that no one would be interested in talking to me anymore, but soon I found my way again and was able to find the people who have always made me so incredibly happy. 

Each of you have brought something amazing to my year and it's been so much fun seeing everyone again. I love all of you! I think about y’all and worry about y’all because I just truly care about you all so much. I only ever want good things to happen to you (and I know that’s not always possible, but it still doesn’t stop me from wanting it for you). 

I know this list of people is not exhaustive. There have been soo many people who have made my year amazing, but I had to at least somewhat narrow it down or it would be an absolutely huge post haha. But just know that if we’ve interacted in any way this year, I am thinking about you and appreciate you so much as well! Everyone is so creative and amazing and I just adore seeing everything everyone has to offer, no matter how big or how small it may be. I love you all and I hope the new year is an amazing one!

@teamhawkeye - 

Katie, the ever wonderful Katie! You were one of the first people that I had in mind when I came back. You have always been one of my favorite blogs. You are so smart and creative and skilled in everything you do. I will always love seeing what you have to offer. Thank you for being one of the first people to talk with me after coming back to my blog. I enjoyed our talks about your stories/OCs, Resident Evil, our pets, and eventually FC6. I had so much fun playing FC6 co-op with you this year (even if it was full of technical difficulties haha). I just hope I didn’t sound too nervous when we first started playing together haha X3. I look forward to seeing what amazing things you do next and I hope we will get to play more together in the near future. I hope the new year brings you nothing but positive experiences and fun adventures! 💗 (Also, you may or may not have inspired some of my film projects this year thanks to your Evil Dead posting haha) 

@harmonyowl - 

Fae, my dearest Fae, my Tumblr wife hehe, I have absolutely loved getting to reconnect with you. It makes me so happy thinking about the beautiful storylines we created for Grace and Dove. It was so much fun and definitely a highlight of my year. (There may have been a few times where I thought about our storylines during class…oops haha). I have also loved hearing your own storylines for Grace, Blythe, and your DAI OCs. They are all so well thought out and fit perfectly into their worlds. You are also so supportive and kind and understanding. You were always there when I wasn’t feeling good and you never made me feel embarrassed or anxious about anything. You make me feel so comfortable. I adore you so much and I can’t wait to see what characters and creations you make next. (Also, we still need to finish our Nightmare Run for FC5, we’re coming for you Jacob! 😉) I hope the new year brings you nothing but great things! 💗

@strafethesesinners - 

Lydia, the brilliant Lydia, it has been so lovely getting to know you this year. You have created such wonderful OCs and I absolutely adore Cooper. You have put so much care into your OCs and people definitely notice. I have enjoyed talking with you this year (I’m pretty sure we’ve talked at least once everyday ashdgk haha), I only wish I could've met you earlier. It was so fun to discuss Cooper’s tattoos, create the FC5 OC aesthetic post, and of course making storylines with Cooper and Dove. I hope we have many more fun conversations! Thank you for recommending Dishonored to me too. I have had so much fun hopping around the plague-filled streets haha. You also got me addicted to RDO for a little while there haha but I enjoyed every minute of it. I enjoyed our co-op sessions and I knew we’d be able to complete that difficult Saint Denis mission! I hope the new year brings you a wave of inspiration and you can continue to make beautiful things.💗

@radiojamming - 

DJ, the amazing DJ! We may not have talked much earlier this year, but we definitely did a speed run right here at the end haha! Thank you so much for going to the ends of the Earth to find me a Black Forest cake. If those arctic expeditions would’ve had you as a captain, they probably would’ve been successful every time haha. You made my birthday so wonderful, probably one of the best birthdays I’ve had! It was so lovely getting to meet you in person. You are so intelligent and funny and amazing. Also you have such adorable kitties! I want to hug them all haha. I hope we get to talk some more this new year! I’d love to hear more about arctic expeditions! It always sounded so fascinating to me! 💗

@laindtt - 

Marie, you absolute sweetheart! <3 You are so, so sweet and supportive. You have been there for me when I wasn’t feeling well. You always reached out to me when my anxiety was getting the better of me. I hope I can repay your kindness someday. I hope we will continue to talk and get to know each other this next year because you are also so creative and talented as well. I know I haven’t been able to read through your stories yet, but I will because I just know they will be amazing. I hope you continue to create wonderful things and share them! 💗

@fuckin-nancy - 

Beth! The lovely Beth! :D It has been so lovely getting to interact with you more this year. I know we haven’t talked a lot, but I always enjoy our exchanges. It’s so amazing knowing someone who enjoys both FC5 and The Long Dark! You are a great writer and I very much enjoyed reading the things you posted this year. I hope the new year brings you great things and I look forward to talking with you more! 💗 (Also, you’ll have to tell me how the cookies come out!) 

@deputyrooksadventures - 

Ocheewa, the great Ocheewa! You are so lovely and I have enjoyed getting to talk with you this year! You have shared such a delicious recipe with me that was so fun to make. I will definitely be making it again. I also can’t wait to try out RP with you! I just hope I’m good enough at it X3. I hope the new year is gentle to you and that it will bring you happiness and success. If you ever need a friend to talk to, I am here for you! 💗 

@derelictheretic - 

Dean, the talented Dean! You are such an amazing artist and writer! I have enjoyed seeing everything you have created this year. Your OCs are all so brilliant and I just adore them! It has been nice getting to interact with you this year. I’m very happy that I found your blog! I hope we will get to talk more in the new year! I look forward to seeing what amazing things you create next! 💗 

@statichvm - 

Macy! The sweet Macy! You are so amazingly talented and your creations are always so pretty and well made! You are so much fun to talk with and I always enjoy seeing your Little Bit and the chaos goddess Stella! I hope we continue to talk this next year and if you ever need some cute pet pics or just a friend to talk with, I am here for you! I hope the new year brings you happiness and good experiences. 💗

@cryptichobbit -

You are so lovely to talk with and I always enjoy seeing your aesthetics and the picrews/miekers of your OCs! They all are so amazing! I love the idea of a werewolf deputy and your V is so cool! I can’t wait to learn more about them! I hope the new year is good to you and that I will get to hear more about your lovely characters! 💗

@ri-a-rose - 

Ri! The delightful Ri! You are always so supportive of everyone and I admire that so much! You are such a wonderful person! It was so fun getting to see your OCs this year! They are so cool and I love them! Also, I am very interested in hearing more about your interest in knitting! That is such a fascinating skill and I would love to hear about it! I hope the new year brings you great things and that you will continue to share your brilliant creations! 💗

@glowwormsmith -

Bria, the fantastic Bria! You have such cool OCs and I always enjoy seeing the picrews and other tag games that you do for them. I appreciate that you always think of me for those tag games as well. It is always fun to do those (even if it takes me a while to do them haha). I’m glad that we got to talk some more this year as well! I hope the new year brings you lots of good things! 💗

@krenee1drful -

Kelli! The remarkable Kelli! You have experienced so many new things this year! I am so proud of you! Your baby is just so adorable and joyful. You are doing a great job and I know you’ll be just as great in the new year. I also still enjoy seeing your OCs, they are always so cool and I love learning about them! I hope the new year brings you many more amazing memories and experiences! 💗

@i-am-the-balancing-point - 

Gigi, the incredible Gigi! We may not have talked a whole lot this year, but the times that we did were so meaningful to me. You reached out to me, before you even really knew me, when I was having a hard time. You are so supportive and understanding. You helped me so much when I was struggling. You are truly amazing and I appreciate you so much. I also enjoyed our conversation about our favorite foods. It makes me hungry just thinking about it haha. I hope we get to talk more in the future! I hope the new year is good to you and you get to have lots of fun! 💗

@redreart - 

Redre! While we may not have talked a lot personally, you have brought so many of my visions to life this year! I absolutely love every art piece that you have done for me. They are all so beautiful and I will stare at them endlessly haha. I also want to thank you for thinking of me for WIP days and for the well wishes for the holidays. I appreciate that so much! I hope to see more of your lovely OCs and beautiful art in the next year! 💗

@shellibisshe -

Shelli! We only began to interact towards the end of this year, but it was very fun getting to tell you all of my millions of AUs and OCs haha. It was nice getting to share my creations with someone. It was also very fun getting to hear about your OCs and stories too! It’s always so cool to see how everyone interprets characters and crafts their storylines. I hope we get to chat some more in the future! 💗

[everlywindex]

TODAY. MUTANT MAYHEM TEASER TRAILER. OUT TODAY. I AM SO FUCKING HYPED.

i have been so fucking hyped ever since i saw the concept art. with rottmnt's cancellation i've been praying that the creators behind this new iteration will be able to tell their full creative vision, and i plan to be with this new iteration every step of the way on that journey.

i've been watching this movie's leaks closely (due to the fact that i am a tmnt hungry autism gremlin who needs every scrap of knowledge on this movie possible) and today i want to lay out all my personal thoughts, opinions and speculation before the teaser!

soo yeah let's get this show on the road!

1. i am a bit frightened of mr. rogen but damn does the crew look promising

at first glance the producer of sausage party also producing a tmnt movie seems like something straight out of the nightmare dimension and i can't say that i've seen rogen's other work therefore i can't reassure anyone that sausage party is an outlier and the rest of his work is actually genius or anything like that.

HOWEVER it does seem that he's gonna be taking mutant mayhem pretty seriously! he, along with the director & a co-producer, have been stated to be huge fans and this is supposedly a big passion project for them that's been in the works for years

additionally, it seems to be very focused on the "teenage" aspect of tmnt, shown in part by how they've decided to get actual teenage voice actors for the turtles. it seems to be more of a coming of age character driven movie than a typical action blockbuster. so it's certainly not just a cash grab to make money off of the tmnt brand or anything, there is heart here

i'm not familiar with evan goldberg or james weaver either, but jeff rowe........ not only has he worked on gravity falls, but he also co-directed the mitchells vs the machines. another movie that blurs the lines between 2d and 3d animation phenomenally and masterfully handles complicated family dynamics as well as a neurodivergent teenage queer protagonist

so honestly his place on this project already has me very excited and while i haven't watched gravity falls yet, anyone else who's seen mitchells-machines knows damn well we're in good hands

the movie has also been described as "left of center" as well which means hopefully anyone who complained about the rise turtles looking too non-binary or whatever and is looking forward to a "more classic, less woke" iteration will be in for a very rude awakening. Lmao

the animation style is supposed to mimic doodles and sketchy art styles, a lot like mitchells, so you can see that influence! you can even see sketch lines and whatnot on the leaked turtle designs which is super fucking cool and i'm so excited to see it in action tonight!!

2. donatello takes minecraft hunger games (for the first time in history!)

the turtles themselves are also, as i mentioned earlier, gonna be played by actual teenagers. the rumored casting involves three dudes i've never heard of as leo, raph and mikey so i can't really speak on them in depth even though they look promising!

but i think we've all recognized nicolas cantu as gumball and, even though i myself haven't seen TAWOG, i think he could be a pretty good fit? honestly i'd just be glad to have donnie's voice actor be the same guy who hunted down james charles in a minecraft tournament and promised to eliminate the middle class on smplive(?) just because then people will be able to animate mm!donnie to that audio and it'll be glorious

i honestly hope that those slightly unhinged gamer vibes carry over into donnie's actual character, possibly as a combo of influence from nicolas cantu himself and maybe as a remnant of rise!donnie. given that he was the best donatello by far, fight me, i hope they take the whole "borrowing elements from previous iterations to make this like a cool mega mashup combo of them" idea that was discussed, and give mm!donnie a lot of rise!donnie influence. that would just be so rad i think but maybe i'm just biased w rise!donnie being my favorite tmnt character of all time and all

3. SO ABOUT THAT LEAKED CHARACTER STUFF

THE DESIGNS ARE AWESOME i know a lot of people were mixed on them and i was too but they've been really growing on me!

i absolutely loved donnie's design right from the start though. he just has a lot of neat little details that set him apart from the others! his glasses, his little phone, his headphones (which i pray are noise cancelling) his weapon having jujutsu kaisen and sailor moon stickers on it HELL YEAH !!

i was kinda bummed out when they took his snaggletooth because i thought it was cute but i can see why they removed it, maybe to stay away from like the kind of "buck toothed nerd" stereotype that they might have felt they were getting a bit too close to. What they had better not fucking remove? The autism. given that the entire mitchell family is highly autistic coded though i am trusting jeff rowe not to fuck this up

speaking of neurodivergency, mikey had adhd in both 2012 and rise and they had better fucking keep that as well!

i also heard some rumors that 2012 raph and donnie had adhd and ocd respectively and i haven't been able to find any evidence for those but like.. y'know it'd still be cool to see those included in mutant mayhem as well! especially since, bringing up mitchells-machines again, aaron canonically had mild ocd so it's not like it would be out of the realm of possibility for them to give that to a turtle

honestly i love donnie's design so much bc of the little details it has that tell ya more about him in comparison to the others. i kinda wish mikey kept the stickers on his shell kinda like rise!mikey had, and i also would've liked it if raph still had some bandaids here and there like in his concept art design. of course i am mourning leo's braces just like the rest of us but at least mikey gets to keep em. i'm not even 100% sure that he's lost the braces in the first place though so we'll just see in the teaser trailer if he still has em or not!

of course though i'm always down to see an iteration give the characters designs reminescent of the turtle species they're directly based on (like rottmnt giving each turtle their own respective turtle species, and then giving them features respective of that species, like leo's red and yellow streaks, donnie's soft shell, mikey's pretty orangey-gold dapples, and raph's spikes) mostly because it's just cool and spices up the designs! so while the mutant mayhem turtles don't seem to have anything indicative of their species it'd just... It'd be awesome y'know. I'd like it

also in terms of the action figure leaks i think they're cute but i especially love the splinter design we got. He just looks so Dad and i really hope this iteration can stray further from the stereotypes and the "yikes" aspects of his character a bit more. i have faith in y'all!

i don't have much to say on the leaked character personality descriptions other than people on the internet will rlly just believe anything NO raph will NOT be canonically using he/she pronouns guys. paramount and nickelodeon are not fucking brave enough for that. i will still be he/she'ing raph throughout the entirety of this essay though because it is my favorite technically founded by canon hc that we have been presented with

also i haven't watched good will hunting. but now i feel like i should. i need to understand that little purple turtle more

4. i think if they give mikey a gun the entire plot will be over in two minutes

there are a lot of theories on how this movie's story is gonna go!

one is that the boys are gonna get cloaking brooches (like in rise) in order to disguise themselves as humans and attend school. and iii kinda doubt that! mostly because of their voice actors. given that the turtles are presumably biological brothers in this iteration that means either they'd all be poc or none of them would be. the former would be odd since two of their voice actors are white and therefore you'd have white actors playing poc characters, and the latter would be just as bad since the turtles are infamously blasian coded and it would just be straight up whitewashing

i think casting white actors as blasian coded characters might in itself be fairly questionable but if anything it pretty much solidifies that we won't be seeing the turtles' human forms in this movie because that would make it.. even more visibly questionable to people who may not have looked into it as much initially, which the crew would want to avoid i think. so if they attend school it'll either be openly as mutants or under some kind of disguise

whatever the case though i think sending the turtles to school is a pretty new and fun concept!

i really hope we get that one scene people theorize could happen where donnie puts on his headphones and triggers an action scene with the action synced to the music. that'd be fucking lit

i think the movie will probably end on a note similar to luca where the turtles are able to come out of hiding and there's a "some people? they'll never accept them. but some will. and they seem to know how to find the good ones." kind of message. the good ones in question being probably april, casey, keno? God i hope keno's in this

maybe the ending is letting mutants as a whole have a chance to be more involved in society. they were previously hiding in shadows but the turtles' heroic actions opens things up for them to start being more accepted? idk that's just my thinking

5. guys i'm sorry but that storyboard is so fake

i'm not going to go into it in detail since someone already did that in this post

but yeah that storyboard is most likely not at all real. which also means we sadly may not be getting a black plus sized april for this movie. it would be awesome! but it may just.. not be happening

so like if the teaser comes out and april looks nothing like that, then uh.. y'know. don't freak out

6. speculation on the teaser and marketing going forward

so i think that since this is gonna be a more character driven teen movie than an action hero movie with high tense dramatic stakes and whatnot, the teaser is gonna reflect that. i remember when they talked about a demo video that they made to showcase the art style (that was never released to the public,) where raph had one of her brothers record her skateboarding into a store and breaking something before they both ran outta there laughing and i think that. If anything? the trailer could be kinda reminescent of that

not literally that, of course, but something similarly modern teenager-y and goofy that would establish the characters' personalities and family dynamics well

maybe something like mikey doing a vlog where he talks about his friends and family members and we get to see moments of him bothering them for interviews or content for his vlog. and like you can just imagine all of the short clips and shenanigans that would come from that and how it could lead to a fun format for a teaser or even full trailer y'know! especially considering what we know of the movie's themes

one more thing i want to say is that god i just really hope this movie takes the puss in boots 2 route with its marketing. it'd just be so funny i wanna see the turtles making tiktoks to promote the movie where they prank each other and get into trouble and shit like it'd just be so goofy!!

and uhh... Yeah! i think that's all i have to say! these are all my thoughts lined up and written out and i'm excited to look back on this after the trailer, and possibly even after the movie, just to see how like.... things were before. Y'know.

but yeah hashtag i was here for the first trailer drop on the seth rogen tmnt iteration 🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀

see you guys after the kid's choice awards!!!

[dirtyvulture]

😎 R has definitely collected all the knifes and blades that was used inefficiently on her but also given them away to people in need or want of them . Probably mainly to the Hudson family ( which they kept all of them ) or to the other scared locals of the war time, possibly a few soldiers here and there. That pocket knife was the last one in R’s possession before Nat up and took it . R also would never leave a perfectly good knife no matter how itty bitty it is . I can’t see Nat leaving a perfectly good knife either.

So what I am thinking is when all the kids hear that R is back because you know that news Spreads like wildfire. Jean takes Nat to the side and away while all the children are bombarding R while Nat was watching on with  absolute heart heart eyes . It was explained to the children that Nat wasn’t like them but she had been in trouble with some “ bad men” like a lot of the students that R brought to the school and that Nat needed some help so she is staying here for a while and that Nat was a friend. When Jean and Nat were far enough away Jean was explaining to Nat that she was showing her to R’s room and that when R called explaining Nat’s situation and R had asked that her room would be set up with a lot of extra blankets and sheets as well as gathering some clothes from some of the older students such as Rogue , maybe storm and some from Jean as R guest that Jean’s clothes would probably fit her the best. ( Jean and Nat are the closest in height and built which R knows this so that is why she asked specifically for jean’s clothes) Just until they can get her clothes of her own and Nat is to be staying in R’s room until they can set up a room of Nat’s very own. Jean stops by her room and grabs a leather jacket that is suspiciously just R’s style and Nat’s heart drops a bit when she finds out that it is indeed R’s and that she had lent it out to Jean while she was in the school last ( Nat now knows that R is at the school on and off for long periods of times ) and it was because Jean had gotten cold on “ one of their outings” the last time R was at the school and how R is just so ….. giving and such a gentlemen ( gentlewomen?) . Jean hadn’t had the chance to give it back when R left so she is doing that now.

Jean turns to Nat and says that the flannel shirt that Nat picked out was a very good choice for R and that it does really bring out R’s eyes ( the shirt was fix up ) and that Jean could tell it was pick out by someone else is because R is hopeless in these kinds of things . Nat then sees R’s door and it is covered in obvious little kid drawings all over it and Jean explains that R let them decorate her door ( there are some pictures from the older kids , like Rogue ) and R even picked up the kids so they could put stuff on the areas that they couldn’t reach. And for the areas that R couldn’t reach she had an older kid that was taller than R pick them up (like the kid or teenager was 6 feet) , R tried to not to make it obvious that she was spotting and READY to catch the little one if the teen accidentally dropped them ( R was soooo nervous because the younger ones are so little but wanted to seem that she trusted the teen . And she does but again the younger students are soo little 🥺) . Jean also let Nat know that R would be sleeping in Jean’s room ( Jean rushing to explain this next bit ) while Jean herself will be sleeping in Scott’s room because of the protocol that the school has in place whenever R brings in a new student, mutant, or in Nat’s case Black Widow unexpectedly and there isn’t any time to prepare a room for them as it is an emergency case as the person in question was in trouble and being hunted. R doesn’t want to sleep with ANYONE in an enclosed spaces because of a……… classified issue ( Remember R has nightmares every night and she would NEVER forgive herself if something happened to anyone because of this and right now Jean doesn’t want to tell Nat R’s story or anything that R might not want to talk about) and how there was an incident that happened that nobody wants a repeat of and with possibly a worse outcome ( the incident is a movie reference for when Wolverine stabbed Rogue after waking up from a nightmare after They both got to the school and Rogue was able to heal herself, R did the same thing and still hates herself for it and never did forgive herself even though Rogue turned out ok ). So while the new person gets the extra blankets , sheets and clothes ( because R doesn’t have much in her room for keeping warm as she is a walking furnace and doesn’t get cold) and sleeps in R’s room R herself goes somewhere else until the new person’s room is ready and they are able to get them their own clothes. Nat then realized that she never saw R sleep or waking up and that R HAS NOT SLEPT THIS ENTIRE TIME . Jean then says that the room itself is sound proof so if Nat needs anything just go to the room three doors down ( that is Rogues room ) or go down the hallway and five doors right ( storm’s room) .

Last few bits of this post and Everyone have a happy and save Thanksgiving!!!!!! Also Happy birthday to Scarlett Johansson ( November 22 ) the amazing actress who plays the one and only Natasha Romanoff !!!!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉

The Hudson’s , anyone R had “ FUN” with a couple of times , The old friend, Jean and now Nat has definitely picked out some clothes for R to wear and fully believe that R is hopeless in theses types of things . The old friend and the Hudsons always tells or told R looks good in darker colors ( like red or blue) or looks good in clothes that matches her eyes .

To R the word Mother is not a kind and warm thing , it is cold and distant. It is neural and indifferent at best or rips you open at the absolute worst ( friendly reminder her mother called R a monster and her mother was only the first one in a long line of people who call R a monster. The last memory R has of Elizabeth Howlett is of her looking at R in horror before R was chased out of the only home she had ever known because her mutation presented itself in the worst way possible and she was defending herself and her mother against the invasion of that home) . R doesn’t see herself as good or motherly ( the Howlett estate servants were the ones that raised and cared for her when she was sick . Her father loved and doted on her but again the rich didn’t rise or looked after their children) , R thinks that she is acting like a better and more decent person than she actually is because the people of her charge ( the innocent , children and people in trouble and anyone else R wants to take care of and protect) deserves better than what she actually is ( the world , life and people and especially R’s mother FUCKED her up. She thinks she’s a monster and she doesn’t deserve love, support and friendship. She doesn’t deserve nice things.) . That is why she doesn’t want or feels uncomfortable about people taking care of her , especially if you consider the fact that the every last time she was taken care of before Esther and later the whole Hudson clan and R’s old friend ( Jean too a little bit) was when she was a literal child and it wasn’t even by her own parents but the servants of the Howlett estate. 

I would love for Nat to found an old picture of Elizabeth Howlett ( it could be of any age of Elizabeth Vulture wants but just make R look like her. They had individual picture portraits of people and not just group pictures.) or better yet have it be a photo of John ( the Father R knew and loved ) and Elizabeth Howlett ( again can be at any age but R isn’t in the picture) . Nat thinks it is of R initially but the woman’s eyes and face are wayyyy toooo cold and harsh to ever be R who’s hardness and roughness is of trauma and of a hard life but never lost all of her kindness and warmth. That woman in the picture is vastly different and she has never had any warmth to her. Nat knows that pictures back then were “ serious business” but this wasn’t that and that is when she sees the man in the picture and while he wasn’t smiling and has upheld the seriousness of picture taking all that Nat could see was absolute warmth and kindness that radiated from him and his eyes. It was a warmth and kindness that reminds nat of R even through all the hardness and roughness she has underneath that trauma and hard life. Nat even sees the same faint hit of mischief and playfulness in the eyes and the same slight curl of lip that R has when she is being playful and mischievous as that man in the photo.

I have come across pictures from the 1800s on tick tock and it showed a couple that was so in love that they couldn’t keep a straight face and stop looking at each other and look at the camera man as people did when they took their picture at the time. There was a picture of a father and son “goofing” off and both had the biggest smiles on their faces as the father held his son . Then there was a photo of a Chinese man called the happiest man in China because the man was smiling and posing while eating a bowl of rice because he didn’t know that pictures were a serious thing. I fully believe that there is a picture ( or multiple) out there somewhere of R and John Howlett and it is the same one as the father holding his son with the biggest smiles on both of their faces. There are also pictures of Elizabeth and R or family photos that all look absolutely serious and R is completely stiff as a board next to her mother. R also insisted and begged to have her pictures taken with some of her favorite servants of the Howlett estate ( the ones that had been there and taken care of her since she was born and if Rose O’Hara is in this world then R definitely insisted and begged for this . Because Rose was specifically brought to the estate from the village or town to be Wolverine’s live in companion, maid and caretaker when Wolverine was sick . Rose was more than likely a orphan and had no family) as R viewed and cared for them like family or close friends but Elizabeth shot that down harshly stating that they weren’t family or even friends , THEY ARE THE HELP . R Hated having her picture taken alone, especially hated it with her mother but she loved it when it was her father ( she had called him papa) and her . R still hated her picture taken alone but loved posing with Esther and all the Hudsons throughout the wars. The only reason why R did that one up close solo photo for Esther and WWII Nurse Hudson was because she loved them more than she hated taking pictures. Same goes for participating in group photos in all the wars , she loved the Hudsons and her other favorite nurses and military personnel more than she hated her photo taken . That is all the thoughts I certainly have.

😎 anon is back, I missed your insights and history lessons!

I love that R has a random collection of knives (especially because she literally has no use for them) but that all of them are of sentimental value to her. Nat is definitely keeping her stolen knife forever.

I'm currently working on the X-Mansion scenes where news spreads that R has returned and while it doesn't exactly play out like you wrote, your version is definitely so cute and wholesome. I love the door idea. :) And yes, I definitely need to find a way to get that badass leather jacket into the story...I'll see what I can do...

I will say the one thing I wish I touched on was R's sleeping pattern. But you are right that she probably hasn't gotten any sleep since being on the run with Nat, especially since she was forced to share a bed with Nat most of the time (not that she didn't want to, but she was scared she would wake up and hurt Nat or something). I shall rectify this in Part 3.

Happy holidays to you too, anon!

It is now canon that R is just terrible at picking her own clothes (which is also why she just rewears the same ones until they wear out) lol.

I love that idea of R having an old photo of her parents somewhere. Maybe it was one she used to carry in her wallet but then left behind at the mansion, so that she would always have a reason to go back one day and "get" it. :)

Thank you again for all your thoughts!!

[ruminate88]

”Victim Mentality”???? 🥴❤️‍🩹

I often downplay my own experiences because most of it was by total strangers on the internet. No one physically touched me but ok, abuse of any kind is still abuse…

After my last relationship with my ex Andrew, I was beyond confused and hurt!!! I could not explain what happened. The breakup was so confusing because I’m the one who did it, yet Andrew treated me as if he’s the one who did it… I still very much loved him but only broke up with him becuase I had proof he was cheating AND he refused to say “he loved me” but he won’t break up 🥴😣💀 Sir, you don’t date someone you do NOT love… that’s just common sense. (I didn’t realize he didn’t wanna be the bad guy plus didn’t wanna lose his toy and motherly figure) He showed zero emotions when we broke up. I had no idea that’s a coping mechanism 😣 I just assumed he didn’t care about me AT ALL.

Annnnywaaaaay, I walked away like “WTH??? HES SO WEIRD!!!!” But I loved the version of him that I originally called “my boyfriend” there just so much fog and I’d go on his Facebook and he seemed normal but his actions didn’t match his words. I move on… I marry someone else. I can’t stop thinking of Andrew and it doesn’t take long at all before I feel totally disconnected from my new relationship. 🥺😔💔 I blame him…. My new man didn’t wanna go certain places with me after we got married even though he was going when we dated. That triggered me soo hard but I had no idea I was being “triggered” that word wasn’t even in my vocabulary 😝😝😝 I felt so distant from my new man and I’ve had to just go with the flow of it all. Just be in the motions. I told my mom there was a “disconnect” between my new man and me… she’s even questioned “why are you striving so much in your marriage” 😣

Whenever I first learned about emotional abuse, I right away started putting pieces of my past together. Took me almost a whole year just watching these videos on emotional abuse, feeling like I hopped in a loop and couldn’t escape!! I sometimes had to shut down all social media because it was draining and depressing.

I NEVER saw myself as a “victim” when I broke up with Andrew. I was just confused and frustrated. I just wanted the nightmare to end with him. He was hurting me over and over… I cried all summer over Andrew. Yet, it didn’t all just “go away”. The pain stayed, the confusion stayed and by 2020, my stomach suddenly has all these issues. I lose so much weight. I realize how much hair I’ve lost. My eyes slowly start to open to the truth.

Not quite a whole year after I even learned what emotional abuse is, I started this blog so I could find a private place to talk about all of it. Suddenly I’m on this weird and crazy “healing journey” and it’s bizarre 🤡🤡 It’s like I can’t get out of it and EVERYWHERE I read, it allllll says “HEALING…TAKES…TIME”!! 😓😓😓😓 ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I constantly feel guilty like “well, no one actually touched me. Just cuz they used my naked photos and manipulated me.” 😣💀 I take accountability that I was immature and naive. I am the one who willingly sent my photos. I engaged in toxic relationships on my own will. I was lonely and motherly becuase I had been the family caretaker. It didn’t shake me to treat Andrew like a baby at times. He often acted like a 10 year old boy with me and it did not weird me or bother me. It bothered all of my online girlfriends and they would question me, “Why do you like this immature little boy anyway??” 🥴🥺 Andrew was too young for me to start with but I mean, I was the family mother. I mothered everyone around me so Andrew was just thrown into the mix. He just sorta fit into my daily life. It didn’t phase me. I saw nothing wrong until he started disappearing a lot and ignoring me days; leaving my messages on delivered. That’s when I started to realize that he’s hiding stuff and yet when I would express my feelings/sadness to Andrew, he acted scared and upset at me. I would mention “breaking up” and sometimes he would turn into a baby having a tantrum yet, asking me, “why do you feel this way?? I don’t wanna break up!!” BUT on his social media, he seemed like he’s extremely successful, popular at his college with his university staff and his peers. Always posing with “beautiful girls”. Was so weird and frustrating for me. He was two different personalities!!!!! How someone can get mad when I mention breaking up but he clearly looks like he’s cheating his brains out. Why are you always surrounding yourself with all these beautiful girls but calling me “babe”??!! Yet most of our conversations surrounded sex. Just sometimes he opened up and let me know him closer. It was rare though. I see all these videos about “not staying in a victim mentality” but these videos irritate me. I just ignore them. I never saw any of this before. Never saw “emotional abuse”. Never believed I was abused even though I was so confused and disconnected. There’s been many other issues that I just lately learned is impacts from the abuse. Stuff that was weird like “being super hot or cold.”, “Constant bumping into stuff and always being covered in bruises.”, “hormonal changes”. Sooooo many weird things happening that I couldn’t explain 😳😳😳😳 it Alllllllll adds up and makes sense.

These past couple of months, I’ve had little to no energy. There is another factor adding to it but every where I have read or watched videos on the abuse, they ALL say you need so much rest. Idk…. Sometimes I ask myself “Is this all so crazy???? Am I dramatic or crazy!??” I’ve also went through a season where I asked “was I the toxic and abusive one”??? I’ve went back and forward blaming them and myself. Moments I’m angry but then quickly defuse myself becuase it’s in the past and they can’t undo what they’ve done. So it’s hard to stay “mad” but I’m constantly “sad” over them. I have this “longing” over Andrew that doesn’t go away… ever. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I’m trying to figure a way through it all. Through the emotional barriers and over this wall blocking me.