#it felt so fucking good to write again

[saltofmercury]

Good news I wrote 2 different fics halfway but it’s something

[necrotic-nephilim]

bro come back we need your commentary more than ever. Jayhelena canon event

AHAHAHA I'VE BEEN LOSING MY MIND FOR DAYS ANON HOW'D YOU KNOW. perfect moment to show off the shitty meme i made based off a random message i sent in a discord server a couple of weeks ago.

jokes aside: i do have a LOT of thoughts on all of this, and even more thoughts on the reaction to it so ty for giving me the chance to rant.

as far as the comic itself goes: i am? cautiously optimistic, personally? hopes are high but expectations are grounded. Gretchen Felker-Martin is a *fantastic* trans horror writer (i highly rec her novel, Manhunt) but she's pretty new to the comics scene. she's written a single issue with Jason, a Beast World story that's pretty polarizing. most fans i know dislike it, my personal opinions on it are... it's a bit lackluster? i think some parts of it miss the mark on Jason's psyche, but the overall theme it's trying to convey about cycles of violence enacted on victims like Jason and police brutality are interesting. while it's not a great start for GFM with Jason, the Beast World event was so shit overall, and the whole concept of all these characters being "not themselves" mentally, i'm willing to overlook it. (idk if there are any good BW stories but all the ones i've read are shite... Helena's BW story has her literally being beaten by Cass using a laser pointer on her so... i will take *anything* over that personally lmao at least GFM seems genuinely interested in exploring Jason's inner workings, yk) it could go really well, or really poorly. i don't think we have enough info on GFM's writing to know how she'll handle an ongoing with these two, but my fingers are desperately crossed.

the main concerns i have about the comic are firstly the plot itself: which is described as Jason tracking down a cop-killer, and how that could so easily become copaganda. however, the Beast World issue GFM wrote was incredibly anti-cop. (and she even said on her bluesky that ppl shouldn't be worried about this run being pro-cop) so, i do think there's hope there. my other worry is the history of these characters GFM can't control- this story is happening right after H2SH which is frankly, a fucking disaster for Jason. and Helena's biggest Rebirth feature was Batgirl & the Birds of Prey, which was an even bigger disaster for her mythos. neither of these characters are standing on great foundations, and i haven't cared for either of their current characterizations for the past decade or so. it's an uphill battle for even a fantastic writer to try to meld good characterization with the current state of these two, and i could see it screwing GFM over, which rlly sucks she's not getting as fair of a shot as she could be.

all that said, the aesthetics look fantastic (tho, i'm not personally the biggest fan of either suit redesign) and i do love getting Helena and Jason out of Gotham, bc it means we won't have the everlooming Bat presence hanging over their actions. and as for the romance? i'm CACKLING. i've *always* suspected that if we ever were lucky enough for a Jason/Helena team-up, they were bound to end up fucking, and i'm DELIGHTED to be vindicated. this ship is one i do adore in concept (mostly as a hatefuck sort of thing) but could see go horribly. i trust GFM to write women, so i don't think Helena's going to get sidelined as a one-dimensional love interest, which is the biggest fear i've seen expressed. it's not *entirely* unlikely she'll be OOC (i don't think we know enough to comment either way atp, given GFM has never written her) but i do think she's going to be dynamic in this run. and honestly? with the shit content Jason has been getting recently (Robin Lives, the current fuckass Jaybin comic) and Helena having her backstory mutiliated and getting sidelined to hell as current comics don't seem to know what to do with her, i want this to go well *so* badly. i'm rlly hoping it will! and i do think the romance can absolutely work in a fun and interesting way. wouldn't be my top canon pick for either character, but i love the intrigue of it and how these two could (and hopefully are going to) challenge each other and find solidarity in their respective victimhoods.

that said, i certainly don't begrudge Helena fans for being pessimistic about this comic, or disliking the concept in principle. i'd far prefer Helena be getting a solo than be a supporting cast/love interest for a man's run. that said, i think calling this run a "power fantasy" and "wank content" (takes i have seen) is absolutely asinine. we don't have it in our hands yet, we literally can't say until it's out. (and tbfh- these takes are transphobic against GFM, even if unintentionally.) but at this point, i think anything is something for Helena, and i am not going to insult the concept until i've seen the story. if Helena fans don't want to read this bc they don't like Jason or just don't want to see her sidelined, i get that entirely.

beyond that, the take i am *not* a fan of is that this is bad bc Helena has been Dick's love interest. anyone who says *that* loses all validity to their argument for me. Helena has been a dynamic character long before she met Dick and to *only* view her as an extension of Dick and thus define every future relationship she has through Dick is the most ass backwards misogyny i've seen. also. it's comics, man. everyone's going to team up with everyone and fuck everyone. it's just the nature of these characters getting used over and over and over. it's so wildly degrading to Helena to pretend you're protecting her dignity and honor by not wanting her around Jason, or by treating her as just "Dick's love interest". (when she and Dick never properly even *dated* and have never been right for each other. that was sort of the whole point. but i digress.) i also think some takes from Helena stans about Jason are made in incredibly bad faith, just because some Helena stans find some sort of superiority complex in liking her and hating him. it has always read incredibly performative to me.

in summary: i have been deserpate for *years* for these two to interact, and i'm genuinely looking forward to reading this comic. i have reasons to be a little doubtful of some issues that *might* come up, but GFM is a great novelist and i hope that translates to her ability to write a great ongoing. did i ever *actually* want this ship to go canon? no, but under a queer woman whose pretty solid at exploring intersectionality and leftist politics in her works, i'm willing to hear it out.

and just so we're clear: the *second* this comic is out i'm putting the Robles variant cover where Jason and Helena are almost kissing straight on my wall. even if the comic is shit. i'm forever immortalizing it as a giant win for me personally, one of the few ppl capable of liking Jason Todd and Helena Bertinelli at the same time and being cool with the idea of them kissing, lol.

[sunlitlemonade]

i want to write jason & natalia but head so scattered.....

[not-kamenx]

Beyblade X Episode 45: You, Back Then

MYBTKEVWOW ENEVWNW WKWVWBWWHWVWW

haha. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha CHROME RYUGU I’M GOING TO PAY TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE FOR THIS EPISODE LET ME AT HIM LET ME AT HIM YOU CHROME RYUGU YOU

if you haven’t watched the episode already PLEASE WATCH IT even if I explain it or summarize it it won’t have the same effect or impact on you if you don’t watch it yourself because holy crap that was one hell of a time for 22 minutes and 40 seconds I’m

alright, so we start off with Takumi versus Blader Z, except Blader Z isn’t wearing the mask and we see his actual identity. And interestingly enough, Blader Z is using Cobalt Drake, the exact same bey Chrome uses. Then Blader Z loses, and we cut to the intro

I wanna talk about the intro and the title for this episode for a second.

If you‘ve not skipped the intro or if you’ve heard it, or even listened to the entire song way too many times (like me), you’ll notice the lyrics fit a lot of the characters in the series. The song title alone explains it. Prove. These Bladers are trying to prove something to someone or themselves. Keep that in mind for later on. And I’ve noticed we’ve gotten a lot of characters memories or backstories in a row. I like how it starts from a team —> family —> you. It slowly narrows down into categories, and also explains what the characters think of their relationships with others. In episode 43 we’re seeing this from all three perspectives, a team. In episode 44 we see this from two perspectives, two sisters, a family. Then in this episode, we see it from Blader Z’s perspective alone. Which is why the title uses “you” and not him. Directed to Chrome.

ALSO ALSO keep in mind how they don’t reveal Blader Z’s name until much later on (unless I have poor hearing skills)

ANYWAYS

in a similar fashion to Robin from our first episode, Blader Z barges into Xenon City excitedly, impatient to battle in the Amateur Cup. Blader Z then goes on to defeat every amateur, and in the final match he says he’s going to be like “him” (while thinking about Chrome) and he wins. Everyone notices his talent, and Number Zero asks if he has anything to say.

Blader Z just smiles and says Chrome Ryugu rules, and that Chrome’s the ideal Blader, and then says he’s going to be just like Chrome. Soooo right away we establish this is an idol-fan kind of relation for now.

Then we get shown the battle we saw in the intro, and Blader Z gets defeated pretty badly. Back in his little apartment he says he doesn’t want to lose anymore and realizes he needs to work harder. We then cut to a timeskip later, where Number One talks about Blader Z’s numerous wins and takes notice of how he uses the same bey as Chrome.

AFTER ANOTHER WON MATCH, WE FINALLY GET TO SEE AN INTERACTION BETWEEN THE TWO. (After Number Zero says the prize, which was probably the meeting with Chrome, which is rather… strange, wouldn’t you say?)

Blader Z obviously looks very surprised and happy, because he wasn’t expecting this. Chrome said he saw Blader Z’s match against Takumi, and Blader Z acknowledges he became arrogant during that match, and Chrome says “one’s strength in Blading is the strength in one’s heart” and moves Blader Z’s hand to his heart. Recognize something? If you said the first time Jaxon and Chrome fought, you’re right! Jaxon grabbed Chrome’s hand in a similar direction and position, except he didn’t purposefully put it against Chrome’s heart.

also, I’d like to point out how one-sided this seems and a few other odd things. Remember how Chrome viewed Jaxon, after Jaxon said Chrome should have fun, blading with him? A similar light is shown here. Except, Chrome was drawn into that light himself. Here, only Blader Z is viewing Chrome that way. And to be fair, yeah, it makes sense, seeing how much Blader Z looks up to Chrome. But Chrome doesn’t seem to be very, well, he is obviously putting effort in the interaction. But his wording is strange.

he ends up giving Blader Z Obsidian Shell, which Blader Z pretty much treasures immediately, but I don’t like how Chrome said it when he gave it. He said, “you have the power to master this bey, and with it, climb your way to the top of the X. At least that’s what I feel you’re capable of doing.” Giving expectations already, huh? HUH CHROME? IM GOING TO SCREAM

anyways we end up learning Blader Z’s real name, and it’s Ciel Kaminari. Chrome says he’ll remember that name and gives him a handshake and everything is all fine and dandy, right? RIGHT?

Ciel is seen rejecting sponsors left and right, not going pro unless he goes on Team Pendragon. We then timeskip and there’s a little detail to notice. On one of the screens, it’s the frame where Team Persona won against Team Yggdrasil (I dunno if that was intentional or not but I’m clinging onto it for some sort of timeline). So Ciel is pretty late to the scene, but not too late: He’s been getting noticed but Team Persona was pretty focused on beating Yggdrasil so they may have not noticed themselves.

Then, we get a rematch! Takumi versus Ciel, coincidence or not? And WHADDYA KNOW? Ciel wins this time! And Takumi isn’t salty about this, and he even raises Ciel’s hand which I think is 😭 so sweet. Takumi, yay! I’m glad you don’t break people’s beys anymore!

(let us ignore the fact Chrome is watching this match and looking as if his entire world is ending!)

A WHILE LATER OR PROBABLY THE NEXT DAY CIEL ENDS UP BEING SCOUTED FOR TEAM PENDRAGON!!! Look how happy he looks GAHHH, he’s finally made it, made it onto the team his idol is on, happily holding the bey his idol gave him, just overjoyed.

if you want him to have a happy time you should stop the episode there by the way, because this next half was an emotional rollercoaster I was not prepared to even experience.

Before the next few moments even occurred, I thought a few things. What happened for Ciel to suddenly harbor hatred against Jaxon? Why is he Blader Z? Something obviously happened. I expected something surprising.

what I was not expecting, was to get slapped in the face with Ciel entering the room already full of everything Jaxon related, with Chrome, with the music cutting off from soft to uneasy, to Chrome Ryugu’s dead-inside eyes.

Ciel is obviously surprised, and Chrome simply… stares.

the complete opposite of their first interaction. The room is dark. Ciel doesn’t look so enthusiastic anymore, in fact, he looks nervous. His voice is flat as he speaks to Ciel, asking how his match went. Ciel GRABS onto the topic, for something familiar. He said he was glad the match was set up like that before stepping forward. Something that will appear a few minutes later. He just quickly glances at it, but Chrome’s voice interrupts him and he gives Chrome his attention instead. Chrome reveals he made the commission set it up.

Ciel is absolutely baffled, and we can hear Chrome rummaging for something. Lo and behold…

It’s the mask. The Z mask. And judging by the sounds, it seems as if Chrome had been holding onto it for a while, storing it away. You can HEAR Ciel getting increasingly more panicked and confused as he steps back and Chrome steps forward, and oh my god I’ve never wanted to PUNCH Chrome Ryugu more than I have now. He looked down, with a smile, with an EXPECTANT look as he held that mask. The absolute, the look, the look alone was horrifying??? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT? Then Chrome says “But if you are who I think you are, I want you to live up to your expectations.”

Excuse me, who YOU think Ciel is? A fan who was really happy to receive a bey from you and lived by your words and aspired to be like you and made it onto your team? Or a fan who could be manipulated into becoming what YOU want him to become?

and here comes the part where Ciel realizes. He steps back, the noise similar to earlier when he stepped on something, and recognized the photos of Blader X, next to a photo of Jaxon Cross.

It doesn’t take a genius to put the pieces together, though I don’t know how he didn’t see the gigantic photo of Jaxon earlier (we saw it in the background when they met again), and Ciel knows Jaxon Cross is Blader X. Jaxon Cross, who left Pendragon, who wears a mask— a mask that Chrome is now presenting in front of him—

Chrome says he doesn’t need Ciel Kaminari and puts the damn thing on Ciel without a second thought. He wants Ciel to “lose” that identity and become Blader Z. He wants Ciel to fill in Jaxon’s shoes, and makes the most normal smile we’ve seen him make so far within this entire interaction. Like this is the only thing that brings him comfort. Something related to Jaxon. Then he hands Ciel Buster Dran, and his use of it makes sense now. That’s why Chrome told him not to indulge himself when he used Obsidian Shell facing Jaxon. He wanted Blader Z, not Ciel Kaminari.

What makes this worse is that even the episode itself kinda foreshadows this. Remember how they held off on revealing Ciel’s name this episode? It’s his lost identity. And it delays the reveal, like how the other episodes featuring Ciel delay in his face reveal. Heartbreaking. What, you thought this was the worst of it? No. Chrome tells him to become Blader X, traces the DAMN letter on Ciel’s mask, and says, “you can, right?”

His expectations. He sets them, AGAIN, like earlier, when he gave Ciel Obsidian Shell. The way he words it so carefully, like he knows Ciel would dread the thought of not doing something “easy” Chrome would expect him to do. Disappointment from the pro Blader you look up to? That would be a nightmare, right?

instead of realizing he needs to get the fuck out of there after throwing a right hook at Chrome and live FAR FAR away from Chrome and hopefully erase these memories, Ciel instead, tries to EMPATHIZE with Chrome. He tries to feel the emotion Chrome feels.

and he ends up crying. SO, if Ciel is right, Chrome isn’t feeling loneliness, anger, or sadness. It’s different, but more painful. Painful enough to make Ciel cry. And Ciel declares he’ll do anything for Chrome. Chrome says that’ll do, and Obsidian Shell falls on the ground, forgotten.

We cut to Ciel on the rooftop basically telling himself he’s Blader Z, remembering past events, wanting to do better. But what’s interesting is that he says he’ll SURPASS Blader X, not be him. So, Ciel isn’t fully complying. He wants to be better than Blader X, and earn Chrome’s approval.

Ciel oh my god you deserve so much better what the fuck Chrome this certainly cannot get wo—

another timeskip! Chrome’s talking to himself when Ciel enters. Ciel says it’s him, Blader Z, but Chrome doesn’t accept/hear that answer. It’s not what he wants to hear. But when Blader Z says Chrome’s name, Chrome just LAUGHS and says “you answered. You answered me, didn’t you!?”

Ciel takes a noticeable step forward and Chrome whips his head around like an owl, saying oh, Ciel is here. Ciel, judging by his stutter and momentary pause, thinks this is a test and says “I’m not Ciel, I’m Blader Z.”

what Chrome said next made me want to go through the screen and PUNCH, just PUNCH that face of his.

“Oh, yes, right. But, I’ve had enough now. Ciel, your role is now over.”

Chrome Ryugu, may Jaxon Cross never reunite with you, and may Ciel Kaminari take his mask off and throw it off at your stupid feet and tell you to your face you’re horrible and you’ll never understand Jaxon Cross or this X you’re chasing. May Jaxon Cross tell you he never wants to see your face again! You manipulated your fan from day 1 to momentarily replace and fulfill that emotion you had with Jaxon/Blader X, and basically tell him that he, as he is, is not good enough unless he’s Blader Z. And now, that you’ve had “enough,” the one thing that he knows that kept your attention on him, is thrown away, how the fuck do you think he’s gonna feel?

Ciel’s face speaks for itself as Chrome basically says how Chrome was a fool for thinking he could replace “that X”. Chrome clutches at his heart and says “The only certain X is right here within me. There’s no possible way anyone other than me could understand him.”

him. HIM. This X? Him? JAXON??? Don’t make me laugh. If Jaxon saw you right now I don’t think he’d like this. He was already somewhat worried by Chrome’s behavior change, how this Chrome isn’t like the Chrome he knew. But it turns out he didn’t know you well enough either because you’ve been slowly getting worse by the time. Actually, what’s even the timespan??? IT COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE THAN EVEN A YEAR, COULD IT??? Chrome’s mental state has declined faster than someone’s card out there. If it’s Jaxon, I’m going to scream. It reminds me of the ep from Zip and Zoom where Robin says no one knows Blader X (Jaxon) better than he does, no one in the entire world. I’m gonna scream.

Ciel has gotten dragged into this situation, and because of how he views Chrome, he directs the hatred to the wrong person, Jaxon. He asks out loud, “Jaxon Cross… did you know, about Chrome’s feelings? Did you even try to answer them at all? I’m the one who’s worthy of being on Team Pendragon! I’ll get you Jaxon Cross!”

I’m going to cry. Chrome and Jaxon have always been able to sense each other if one is thinking of the other, or seeing the other. Jaxon however, he doesn’t notice how Chrome is off, until he actually sees him in real life. That’s the only time when we hear him sound somewhat vulnerable, asking Multi (and probably Robin) to not get in the way of him and Chrome. But Jaxon doesn’t seem to get what’s exactly wrong. HE ISN’T GOOD WITH FEELINGS CIEL, HE LITERALLY TOLD ROBIN “so is that it” AFTER ROBIN TOLD HIM AND MULTI TO GO TO THE TOP OF THE X WITHOUT HIM IF THEY GOT CHOSEN IN THE PERSONAL VOTES AND MULTI HAD TO TRANSLATE BECAUSE ROBIN WAS BEWILDERED. But of course they haven’t met or interacted directly so Ciel doesn’t know this.

Ciel STILL has his mask on despite saying “I’m worthy”, so he might still be trying to salvage what’s left of his “role” to win Chrome’s approval and attention again. Or he might be also doing it for himself and his hard efforts, because he got smacked to the side. I have no clue how to interpret this because I’m just horrified. Is he saving a bit of his identity or still Blader Z for Chrome?

we then get footage of everyone, Chrome’s talking to himself again and smiling with his punchable face, Sigrid is on the car ride home, Team Persona is eating some sushi— WHAT THE HELL JAXON

we get this ominous moment where Jaxon turns and faces the viewer with an uncomfortable moment of eye to eye contact! Does he know more than he’s letting on? Does h— I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS PLEASE I NEED THE DISNEY XD CHANNEL PLEASE PLEASE I NEED THE NEXT EPISODE I NEED JAXON AND ROBIN BEING DUMB I NEED MY JOY AND WHIMSY IM TERRIFIED AND ANGRY AT CHROME PLEASE—

I could not keep my bias out of this analysis I am sorry

and last but not least! Prove, remember? Ciel is trying to prove that he can be better than Blader X and he deserves that spot on Team Pendragon more.

[made-my-peace-with-all-the-bad]

save me ponyboy little brother monologue save me

[melodicwriter]

I hate when writers are insecure and take it out on other writers🤕there is room for all of us to thrive!!!! You should be uplifting other authors instead of being weird or excluding them

[maraschinotopped]

stumbling into the tumblr blog covered in blood. hey guys i think pendog creative library is pretty cool. you should check it out.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Well, at least Fukuzawa got his wish granted, I guess.... he's finally inside Fukuchi <3

[selfspinninglies]

So I read Don't Let the Forest In by CG Drews and it fucked me up a little [in a good way]. I heard this book had body horror [<- my favorite thing ever], fucked up gay people, monsters etc which made me think this would be my cup of tea and it definitely is that it feels like this book was made for me. I will not be able to stop thinking about it for a while. God I am so normal

[necrotic-nephilim]

bftc jaytim fuck nasty in their batman suits🩷

CORRECT THEY DO. it's like you live in my brain, anon. and for that, you get a full fic bc i've wanted to write this anyway and you gave me an excuse to. have 6k words worth of dirtybadwrong JayTim. rough sex, blood play, pain play, degradation, consensual but not safe or sane, dead dove vibes so be warned. but also enjoy bc ily for this thought anon 🩷

“You look ridiculous in that get-up. Like a kid out for trick-or-treats.” The words were just as brutal as the fight was. Jason had the bodyweight and training to easily pin Tim, now that he was done toying around. 

Of course, toying around for Jason Todd looked like bloody slashes across Tim’s back, base of his skull, and his forehead. Picking one of Bruce’s older suits may have been a bad idea on Tim’s part. The armor was thinner and easier for Jason to slash through with a batarang in a clenched fist. 

Tim had managed to knock the batarang out of Jason’s hand, but that also seemed like a bad idea now, with Jason on top of Tim. His fists were even more brutal, blunt weapons and he’d reinforced the gloves to make his punches hit harder across Tim’s face. 

There was blood pouring from Tim’s nose and mouth. With all the pain flaring across his body, it was hard for him to get a good read on if anything was broken or not. 

All he knew was it hurt. His head spun from slamming against the concrete. It was hard for Tim to blink his eyes into focus. And when he did, he wished he hadn’t. Jason was leaning in so close, his mask was all Tim could see. Tim dizzily wondered how the glowing eyes didn’t impede Jason’s vision. 

“Look at me,” Jason demanded. His voice was robotic behind the thick metal mouthpiece. One of his fists pulled back for another punch. “Do you see terror? Do you see fear? Or is it just your own reflection?”

By some miracle, Tim managed to catch the punch before it connected with his face. The muscles in his wrist and forearm screamed at the animalistic strength Jason pushed back with, inching his fist closer and closer to connecting. If it did manage to connect, Tim knew his own hand in the way wouldn’t do much to soften the blow. If anything, Jason would shatter Tim’s knuckles against his own nose.

Not a pretty thought.

“That mad I said no to being your Robin?” Tim wheezed. It was hard to get air in his lungs, with Jason perched on his chest, putting all his weight on Tim’s midsection. 

Jason scoffed with cruel amusement. “You’re a second choice, Drake. It doesn’t matter to me if you say no, I can always ask the original. He’d at least put up a better fight than you’re managing.”

Tim couldn’t argue that. He thought he’d have some kind of chance in a fight against Jason, but it was a losing game to confront Jason on his turf, in a suit Tim wasn’t comfortable in. He was too stupid to even bring his bo staff.

A great Batman he was turning out to be.

With bloody teeth, Tim smiled. “You’re right. Is that why I’m your reflection, Jason? Two second rate Robins who will never be the original?” He managed a laugh against protesting ribs. “For what it’s worth, I still think I’m better than you. Least I didn’t die.”

He couldn’t see the look on Jason’s face, but he didn’t need to. The feral yell that came out of Jason spoke for itself at how well Tim got under his skin. Jason’s other fist came barreling toward Tim’s face, but he managed to move his head out of the way, making it only connect with the ground. Jason’s punch was hard enough to make the concrete crack.

Even with the reinforced gloves, that had to hurt. Maybe a couple cracked bones, if Tim was lucky. Jason couldn’t hit as hard if he injured himself. 

That was a solid plan. If he’d actually planned it in the first place. 

“Can’t believe I ever liked you, Drake,” Jason snarled, pulling his hand free from the concrete. He flexed his fingers just a bit too slow. He definitely hurt himself, even if he was trying to hide it. Jason went for his utility belt, grabbing another batarang. 

“Flattering,” Tim deadpanned. He tried to elbow Jason in the neck, but Jason easily twisted away from the blow. 

“I really did you know,” Jason said. Maybe it was the mask, but Tim could’ve sworn Jason’s tone changed slightly. “If Bruce hadn’t corrupted you, you really could’ve been something.”

Tim ignored the comment about Bruce. Bruce’s death was too raw for Tim to be able to look at his grief about it head-on. “Can’t say the feeling was mutual,” Tim grunted. He tried to slash his glove fins across Jason’s face. But Jason was smarter. He had a more durable suit that made the blow easily glance off. 

Damn Tim for picking this suit. He idealized Bruce’s image too much and forwent practicality. He was paying for it now. A new suit would’ve had proper weapons worked into the wrists for Tim to easily flick out. 

“I don’t know about that,” Jason mocked with a cold laugh. “Remind me again Drake, who broke me out of prison?”

He had a point. 

“Real great job you’ve done repaying that kindness,” Tim muttered. He avoided addressing it directly. He didn’t owe Jason his reasons. Especially not with how they’d all blown up in his face. 

“I never needed your kindness,” Jason growled. He wrapped a hand around Tim’s throat and pressed down just enough to make it uncomfortable for Tim to breathe. “That’s what all you Bats could never get through your skulls. I didn’t need to be Bruce’s pity project, and I definitely didn’t need to be yours.”

“Trust me,” Tim fought to get the words out, trying to worm his fingers under Jason’s grip. “You don’t have my pity.”

“What do I have, then?”

“My contempt.” The more Tim struggled, the tighter Jason’s grip got. The sharp points of his claws were starting to dig into Tim’s skin and draw blood. Blood flow was cut off from Tim’s brain and he fought to keep hold of his consciousness. 

“Liar,” Jason hissed. “No one else is here, Tim. You don’t have to pretend and hide things from me I already know.”

Maybe passing out would be a good thing. Then, Tim would have a convenient reason for not answering Jason. A reason to not face the truth Jason wanted him to bare.

Tim knew that Jason probably knew. The way they’d looked at each other through the prison safety glass when Jason was locked up had a thousand unspoken words in just a shared smile. A promise, that maybe, if Jason cleaned himself up with this second chance, there could be something between them.

But Jason didn’t clean up. He flung himself in the opposite direction, if anything. A growing body count and an ugly reign of terror that was Tim’s job to stop.

He started this. He put misplaced faith in Jason. Tim’s bad judgment jeopardized Gotham. 

And now Jason wanted the unspoken part said out loud. Something a part of Tim would rather die than admit after all this. They both already knew. Making Tim say it was just an obvious attempt to humiliate him and Tim refused to sink to Jason’s level.

All this over a stupid crush. 

“Fine,” Jason continued when Tim didn’t say anything. “I’ll say it for you. You loved me.”

Tim made a face and twisted, finally forcing Jason’s hand free from his neck with a hard strike to his inner elbow. “It wasn’t love,” he insisted through grit teeth.

“What was it then?”

Tim didn’t say a word. He wasn’t going to give in to Jason’s cruelty.

“Tell you what,” Jason’s voice dropped low and almost sultry. “If you say it out loud, I’ll give you a free pass. No one will know.”

“A free pass?”

There was no way Jason was implying what Tim thought he was.

“Right here, right now.” Jason nodded. “Can’t say I’ll make it sweet, but something tells me you’re not the vanilla type anyway.”

Shit. He was implying that. Tim’s breath caught in his throat.

The answer should’ve been obvious. 

The answer was obvious. Tim was laying in a growing pool of his own blood because of Jason. Countless people were dead because of Jason. Bruce’s legacy was being destroyed because of Jason. Whatever little crush Tim had once had was long gone and replaced with disgust and hatred.

Most of it was. 

But some small piece of Tim clung to the way Jason grinned at him. And that small piece of him seemed to be steering the rest of him, making him hesitate on what should’ve been an easy answer. An easy chance to catch Jason off guard and get the upper hand in the fight.

Tim hoped the cowl hid enough of his face that his expression wasn’t readable. 

“Over my dead body,” Tim forced the words out, pulling himself back into reality. Praying Jason wouldn’t read into the pause. 

Jason’s body shifted. He was quiet for a moment, then he shrugged and brought the batarang clenched in his fist to Tim’s neck, easily finding the jugular. “So be it. I agree anyway. Killing you is the best way to cut this goddamn feeling out of me.”

“What feeling?” Tim frowned, fingers twitching as he stalled, trying to think of a real plan. 

“No, no.” Jason shook his head and laughed. It was a hollow sound, this time. “You don’t get to have your cake and eat it too. If you won’t say it, then I won’t either.”

Oh.

“You…” Tim sucked in a breath. He was on death’s edge, a blade to his neck, but somehow it was the furthest thing from his spinning mind. “You like me? Like that?” He said it like a stupid high schooler, too shy to even look their crush in the eye. 

“What difference does it make now?” Jason shifted his weight on Tim, bearing down more. “This was always how it was going to end, between us.”

“It makes all the difference,” Tim said. He didn’t know why it did. But he knew it did. Tim reached a hand up, but instead of going for Jason’s batarang, he went further. His fingers reached under his own cowl and tugged it off, baring his face to Jason. 

Vulnerability. A metaphorical white flag, surrendering to Jason. 

Tim was dangerously close to getting himself killed. He could feel it, in his beating heart and overflowing adrenaline. 

“I would’ve come at this from a different angle if I knew…” Tim started, before trailing off. They were still dancing around saying it directly.

Jason barked out another laugh. “Oh, would you? What, you would’ve come to talk instead of fight? You really think that would’ve worked?”

“Maybe-“

“I told you,” Jason’s grip on the batarang tightened, “I don’t need your fucking pity.”

“And you don’t have it,” Tim snapped back. Too angry. This angle was quickly slipping away from him. Shit. “You’re a psychopathic killer and I don’t know if you can ever been redeemed after what you’ve done. But I would’ve tried out of love, not pity, you sanctimonious asshole.”

Jason stuttered. He leaned back and breathed hard. Tim really wished he wasn’t wearing that stupid mask. “You said it wasn’t love.”

Tim took in a deep breath, and let himself fall over the ledge he’d been trying so hard to cling to since Jason pinned him. “I lied.”

For a moment, Tim was convinced he’d just sealed his own coffin. Whatever Jason’s feelings were, it didn’t seem like they were any particular deterrent to hurting Tim. He was inches away from killing Tim and leaving his body for someone else to find.

If they found Tim’s body at all.

But instead. Instead, Jason reached up and ripped the metal part of his mask off, tossing it aside to skitter off into the darkness.

And he kissed Tim.

Tim let out the breath he was holding against Jason’s mouth. And in turn, Jason breathed him in, greedy with his kiss. The batarang was kept firm against Tim’s throat, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Jason was kissing him. 

There was still the logical side of him screaming just how bad of an idea this was. All the reasons he could think of to not tangle with Jason were running circles across his mind. 

Tim ignored them and kissed Jason back. 

Jason tasted like metal and he smelled like gunpowder. Both of those things made sense and made Tim want more. He wanted every single part of Jason he could drink up, even from a single kiss. Jason’s tongue was in his mouth, licking and opening Tim up. They shared each other’s blood through the kiss, until Tim couldn’t tell whose was whose. 

The kiss was broken by Jason just as suddenly as it was started. Jason pulled back and raised the batarang. Panic flashed through Tim and he instinctively threw his hands up to cover his face and neck. 

The batarang slashed through Tim’s suit though, thankfully not giving him what might’ve been the stupidest death in the history of vigilantism. Jason didn’t seem to care about making sure the cut didn’t get Tim’s skin, though. Shallow wounds sprang across Tim’s skin and he hissed, watching Jason turn the suit to ribbons. The batarang was then tossed aside so Jason could rip off the suit as he leaned back. 

The bat symbol on Tim’s chest stayed in tact, but everything below it was ripped away, exposing him from his abs down to his thighs. Jason knew exactly how to unclip the utility belt and throw that aside, with the shreds of fabric. 

Cold air hit Tim’s most private areas. He wanted to cover himself, but he couldn’t get his hands to obey. His entire body was paralyzed under Jason’s gaze.

“Take off your mask,” Tim found his voice, rough and not sounding like himself.

Jason wore a cruel smirk. “No.” He did take off his gloves, though. Tim didn’t hide his sigh of relief. He didn’t want those claws on his skin. He was bleeding enough as it was.

The moment Jason’s hands were bare, he ran them over Tim’s skin. Tim hissed and flinched, but didn’t pull away. He let Jason’s warm hands claim his skin. Jason wasn’t kind or gentle. He smeared Tim’s blood around, exploring every bare inch. Tim’s stomach, his hips, his back, his legs. 

Jason curled a hand around Tim’s dick and Tim’s back arched. 

To be fair, this wasn’t exactly how he’d pictured sleeping with Jason. Still, he couldn’t find it in him to complain. 

Jason jerked Tim off rough and fast. The blood on his hand was slick enough to make a smooth glide over the callouses of his palm. Tim groaned, eyes fluttering shut. He bucked into Jason’s hand. As much pain as his body was in, the pleasure was too distracting for him to care. Tim choked on every breath he managed to take in, unable to stop himself from crying out and whining.

His body was screaming at him because of what Jason had done to him. And now, he was letting himself fall apart to Jason’s hands in a different way. 

“If Grayson found us, he’d think I was fucking torturing you from all the pathetic noises you’re making,” Jason growled. He barely sounded human. He slid his other hand up Tim’s chest and grabbed Tim’s face, stroking his cheek. 

Tim groaned at the thought. He forced his eyes to open just so he could look at Jason. He really wished Jason would take the cowl off. Tim wanted to see Jason’s face more than anything. 

“Don’t bring him up,” Tim gasped, practically humping Jason’s hand for more delirious pleasure. “I don’t want to think about him now.”

At least he could see Jason’s smirk. “Why? Because you know he’d disapprove?”

“Because I want to think about you.” Tim tried to grab at Jason’s suit to pull it off. His hands were clumsy and shaky though, probably from blood loss. All he could do was uselessly press them against Jason’s chest and feel the warmth through layers of armor.

“Fuck,” Jason groaned. His whole body shuddered, affected by Tim’s words alone. Jason stopped jerking Tim off so he could unclip his belt. He kept his other hand against Tim’s face though. Stroking it. “Least I know why you broke me out of prison, now.”

Tim made an aghast noise. “This is not why I broke you out of prison.”

Jason leaned in close, resting his face against Tim’s. “You still broke me out. So all my blood is on your hands too, Tim.” He pressed a kiss against Tim’s temple. “Bruce wouldn’t have been stupid enough to do that. Hell of a Batman you make.” It was like he had crawled into Tim’s brain just to voice all the awful little thoughts that Tim tried to bury. 

“You-“ Tim tried to snap back, but he was distracted by the sound of Jason undoing a clasp, then a zipper. Tim looked down and watched, breath caught in his throat, as Jason pulled his cock out of his pants.

He was already hard. 

Jason’s hand smeared blood across his member. Tim swallowed at the sight. Jason had pushed his pants down just enough to expose a sliver of pale skin. He had a sharp v-line and toned muscles just from the bit Tim could see. An embarrassing noise came out of Tim’s throat.

“Pathetic,” Jason said, but he groaned on the word, working his hand over himself. It was filthy. Both of them, covered in blood, and Jason jerking off on top of Tim. 

Tim wrapped an arm around Jason. He wanted to sink his fingers into Jason’s hair, but he settled for wrapping them around the back of Jason’s cowl. Tim seriously considered trying to pull the cowl off himself, but he doubted Jason would take kindly to it. 

The noises Jason made as he pleasured himself were beautiful. Tim’s sounds were animalistic and, in Jason’s own words, pathetic. Barely human sounding. But Jason. Jason sounded practically divine, low and smooth as he moaned in Tim’s ear. 

“Please,” Tim gasped. He wasn’t sure what he was asking for.

“That desperate?” Jason downright purred. 

Tim didn’t hold himself back from nodding. He swallowed down his dignity. 

If he had any dignity left.

“I’m not going to be gentle,” Jason warned. Like he was giving Tim one last chance to back out.

Tim just laughed. “If you think I want you to be gentle, you really don’t know a thing about me.”

A guttural groan came out of Jason. He pulled back and lifted one of Tim’s legs, bending it as far back as he could. Tim wasn’t quite as flexible as Dick was, but Jason got pretty far before Tim’s muscles protested and he winced. 

“Of course you shave down there,” Jason commented. He slid a hand over Tim’s smooth skin around his cock and balls.

“I don’t like pubes getting caught in my suit,” Tim huffed, trying not to let his cheeks go red.

“Don’t worry,” Jason hummed, “I think it’s cute. Makes you look like a fucking virgin.”

“I’m not.” Like it mattered.

Jason paused, just staring at Tim. Was he disappointed? It was hard to tell. “I’m going to ruin you for anyone else, so it doesn’t matter either way.” Whether or not he was disappointed was masked with a rough, possessive anger that made Tim gasp.

Rough fingers ran over the shallow cuts on Tim’s stomach and he hissed at the sudden sharp pain. It wasn’t easy to ignore the dull throbbing when Jason was practically fingering the open wounds. Tim almost asked what the hell he was doing, before he realized Jason was smearing blood across his fingers, getting them slick and coated.

“Seriously? You’re going to use my own blood to fuck me?” Tim asked, like just the thought of it wasn’t making him spread his legs wider. Still, the idea of cleaning tacky blood out of himself did make Tim internally cringe.

“You got a better idea?” Jason shot back. 

“I think there’s lube in-“

“No.” Jason cut him off, pressing harder into the cuts just to make Tim wince. “We’re doing it my way, or I just leave you in a pool of your own blood with a hard-on.”

“Okay.” Tim caved instantly with a hushed whisper at the rough dominance. 

It was so easy, for Jason to take complete control of Tim. He was putty in Jason’s hands, content to be manipulated however Jason wanted, so long as Tim got his own pleasure out of it. If Jason wanted Tim to bleed, he would bleed. If he wanted Tim to be spread open and ready to be fucked, then Tim would give him that too.

Christ. He needed to be checked out mentally after this. 

Jason gave Tim a pleased hum, probably the closest thing to praise Tim was going to get out of him. He’d take it. Blood slick fingers pressed against Tim’s hole. Two fingers were forced in at once, hard and fast.

Tim screamed.

He didn’t expect Jason to be gentle, but it seemed like Jason was going out of his way to be rough. Scrapping his nails against Tim’s insides and brutally twisting his fingers around. He didn’t try to hit Tim’s prostate to bring any kind of pleasure. The brushes of his fingers over that spot were more painful than pleasurably, if anything. Fast and rough, giving Tim no chance to soak up the sparks of sensation from the bundle of nerves.

“Oh god,” Tim groaned, throwing his head back. His hips twitched violently, like they weren’t sure to press into Jason’s fingers for more, or to try to pull away from the horrible assault.

It’d been a while since Tim had been in this much pain. So battered from a fight that every movement of his body was weak and shaky. He grabbed onto Jason’s arm, desperate for an anchor. He couldn’t have pulled Jason off of him, even if he wanted to.

He didn’t, though. Tim wanted this to last as long as it possibly could. 

He never got to drown himself in the pain. Pain was something that had to be compartmentalized and ignored, for the sake of the mission. Getting back on his feet and ignoring the way his body screamed at him was one of the first things Bruce taught him. 

Now, Tim didn’t have to fight it. He could just give in. The half-hearted instincts from his body trying to fight back were ignored by Jason. Like Jason knew that Tim wanted this. 

Needed this. 

At some point, Jason must’ve worked a third finger inside of Tim. He didn’t notice. The burning stretch swirled with every other point of pain on his body. 

He did noticed when Jason finally decided to purposefully press against Tim’s prostate.

This pleasure was new. Foreign and overstimulating with how aggressively Jason pressed down on the spot, rubbing into it to pull all kinds of noises out of Tim he didn’t know he was capable of making. 

“Jason!” Tim cried out. “Fuck, too much, I can’t-“ Tim’s stomach was cramping from how hard his muscles clenched. He was falling, losing his grip on sensible reality. His head was full of cotton, foggy and unable to get a solid grip on coherent thought.

There were only three things that existed to Tim: pain, pleasure, and Jason. 

“You can’t what? Use your fucking words,” Jason mocked, vicious and uncaring. He rested Tim’s leg over his shoulder to free up his other hand. His fingers wrapped around Tim’s balls and tugged. Tim screamed and arched like a jack knife. He hadn’t noticed how close his orgasm was creeping up on him until Jason pulled it away with a brutal, carnal pain. When Tim lost control of his body, Jason found it and snatched it up, holding Tim’s pleasure in his palm. Tim wanted to curl in on himself, but he couldn’t force his limbs to obey. 

“Hurts,” was all Tim could groan out. He might’ve been crying. It was hard to tell, with his face so wet with blood. 

“Good.”

“Jason,” Tim tried to beg. He was lost to subspace, something he barely realized until now. “I can’t take anymore.” He wanted more. More than want, god, he needed more, but his body was wired so tight Tim was convinced he was going to snap if Jason kept going. 

He wanted that too.

“That’s not for you to decide.” Jason’s rough voice was a light at the end of a tunnel Tim was struggling toward to ground himself. To focus on something besides the agony crashing over his body in brutal waves. “Do you really think you’re in the fucking state to know what you can take?”

Jason was right. Tim just whined, a noise that turned into a choked sob when Jason pulled his fingers out just enough to slam them into Tim’s sweet spot again, overwhelming him with more awful pleasure. 

“Give yourself over to me,” Jason demanded. He leaned in close again. Tim’s vision was blurred, but he could smell the gunpowder and leather. “Say it. Say I own you.”

Tim wanted to. He tried, opening his mouth and struggling to get the words out. He could only make more pathetic noises.

“Say it, or I’ll stab you and leave you to fucking bleed out.”

He probably wasn’t lying.

“You-“ Tim choked on the word, shaking so hard his muscles were spasming. “You own me.” Three little words, and they were the hardest words Tim had ever tried to say. Each one fought against him, getting stuck in his throat. 

But he said them. Because right now, they were the only religion Tim believed in. 

“Look at that,” Jason cooed. So patronizing. “You’re not completely brainless and worthless. Yet, anyway.” He pulled his fingers out of Tim. One second those fingers had been driving Tim mad because they were inside of him, and now they were driving him mad because they left him empty and wanting. 

His body needed more. More pain, more pleasure. Until he broke and Jason fucked the shattered pieces left of Tim. 

Jason got a hand underneath Tim, using the blood from the gash on Tim’s back to slick his fingers this time. That gash was far deeper. Something that probably needed stitches. It had started trying to clot but Jason agitated it enough for fresh blood to pour out. He was able to actually work his fingers under Tim’s bloody skin, making Tim shriek and try to pull away. 

There was nowhere for him to escape from the mind-numbing pain. When he pulled away, he just crashed into Jason’s chest, forehead bumping against the bat symbol of Jason’s suit. 

“So fucking easy to push your buttons,” Jason laughed. He moved his fingers around a bit more just to make his point and pull more wounded noises out of Tim. Then he finally pulled them free and let Tim fall back to the hard ground. It knocked the wind out of Tim.

He didn’t have a chance to try to get air into his lungs. Because Jason slicked himself up with a disturbing speed and lined up. The warning of blunt pressure against Tim’s hole lasted a fraction of a second and then Jason snapped his hips. Buried to the hilt.

Tim almost passed out.

He didn’t know if it was from the pain, the blood loss, or his body’s inability to get oxygen into his lungs. Everything exploded inside of Tim. He was full, so full so fast. Jason’s fingers hadn’t been nearly kind enough to properly stretch Tim for Jason’s size. It almost felt like being stabbed.

Over and over, as Jason fucked into Tim with no kindness. 

A hard slap across Tim’s face forced him off of the edge of unconsciousness. He gasped, eyes snapping open to find Jason’s face right above his, the glowing eyes of the mask taking over Tim’s field of vision. 

Jason was smiling. Blood on his teeth, dripping out of his mouth. Was it his blood or Tim’s?

Tim hoped it was both. 

“I don’t know which Bruce would find more pathetic,” Jason groaned as he fucked into Tim, pulling small screams out of Tim with each punch of his cock, “you putting on that suit, or you letting me fuck you in it.” He brought his lips to Tim’s ear. “Who’s ruining his legacy now?”

If the physical pain wasn’t bad enough, Jason knew exactly how to rip open the wounds of Tim’s emotional pain alongside it. Tim cried out at the thought. 

What would Bruce think of him, like this? Pathetic and barely human underneath Jason Todd?

“And they call me the failed Robin,” Jason just kept talking, like he wasn’t destroying Tim from the inside out. “At least I know how to be something other than Robin. Are you really delusional enough to think you’re going to be the next Batman?” A long moan came out of him and he thrust even harder until Tim screamed loud enough to make himself dizzy. “Answer me.”

Tim just shook his head. “No.” His voice was broken. His throat was sore from screaming, but the word still came out. He’d never thought he really could be Batman. So what the hell was he thinking, putting this suit on?

“Good.” Jason slid his fingers under the bat symbol on Tim’s chest, one of the only parts of the suit in tact. He ripped it off, the fabric tearing loudly in Tim’s ears. “It’s good you know your fucking place.” Jason changed his angle, finding Tim’s battered prostate again. Tim didn’t have the air in his lungs to scream anymore. All he could do was weakly mewl and whimper.

He could die like this. He honestly might. Tim had no idea how his body was holding on, in this state. Maybe it was the pain and pleasure alone keeping him alive. Just so he could soak up every touch from Jason.

Tim was never going to allow himself to do this again. So he had to enjoy it while it lasted.

This time, Tim felt his orgasm creeping up on him. His fingers dug into Jason’s arm and he pressed up into Jason’s warmth. The material of Jason’s suit was rough and unforgiving. It didn’t feel particularly good for Tim to grind his cock against, but he didn’t care. He needed any kind of friction, whether it brought him pleasure or road rash. 

“I won’t stop if you come,” Jason warned, still hammering into Tim at a pace that should’ve been impossible for a normal human to manage. “This isn’t to make you feel good. It’s to put you in your fucking place.”

Tim could only whine, managing a nod of understanding. This was his place. He knew that. He never wanted to leave it. 

The threat of being fucked into overstimulation hung over Tim’s head, but he couldn’t stop himself from chasing the high of his orgasm. He almost wanted to feel the overstimulation. Like his orgasm was just something to get over with so Tim could completely give himself over to Jason. To be used just for Jason’s pleasure, even if it brought him nothing but more pain. 

That thought made Tim’s balls tighten. The only warning he could give Jason was a high pitched keen that barely sounded like Tim’s own voice. His eyes rolled back.

The pleasure of his orgasm didn’t overtake the screaming pain in the rest of his body. It just mixed with the pain, swirling into one intense feeling Tim didn’t have a name for. He screamed until his throat gave out. His back arched and he clenched around Jason, who kept driving into him. Jason growled in Tim’s ear. He was holding Tim’s hip so tight there would be bruises that would end up indistinguishable from the rest of Tim’s injuries.

All injuries that Jason gave Tim. Tim’s body was a canvass, and Jason’s favorite color to paint with was the red that poured out of Tim. 

It was the best orgasm Tim had ever felt. No feeling was ever going to match this intensity. 

Tim came down from his high with an awful wheeze, shuddering. He clung to Jason, like a guard dog laying at the feet of his master. 

“Fuck,” Jason moaned. A shudder ran down his spine and his pace faltered, just for a moment. “You’re really something else, Drake.” From Jason, that was practically a compliment for Tim to soak up and preen under. 

Tim’s body tipped over the edge of overstimulation. His survival instincts kicked in, trying to fight Jason. There was no strength behind his kicks and hits. They just made Jason laugh as Tim made a fool of himself.

“I own you,” Jason reminded Tim. He caught Tim’s wrist and pinned it against the cold concrete, squeezing tight enough to cut off circulation to Tim’s fingers. “I can do whatever I want to your useless body. Don’t try to fight it now.” He leaned down and found an exposed part of Tim’s neck to sink his teeth into. It wasn’t a hickey, but a proper bite, breaking Tim’s skin. 

Tim cried out, but still tilted his head to the side to give Jason better access to his neck. Even when his body wanted to fight, Tim managed to submit. Like the submission was natural to him. 

The pain took over. Tim just floated in it, forcing himself to go limp. Submit. No more fighting. He gave in to Jason and stopping thinking. All Tim needed to do was feel. Feel every point of agony scattered across his body. Feel Jason fucking him. Using him, like Tim was nothing more than a toy. The sparks from Jason slamming into his sweet spot couldn’t be called pleasure anymore, with Tim’s cock spent and limp. It was more pain. 

Better that way. Tim liked the pain more. Delicious and mind-numbing. 

Jason was swearing against Tim’s skin. He mumbled something Tim didn’t catch. Three syllables. Short and rushed out. Tim was almost convinced the second word was love. Maybe he was making it up in his head though, finally lost in utter delirium.

Tim didn’t care.

More insults fell from Jason’s lips. Calling Tim nothing, worthless, pathetic. A cheap pretender who deserved this. Tim agreed with all of it, feverishly nodding. The words were practically sweet nothings in Tim’s ears. 

Jason yelled Tim’s name when he came. His hips stuttered to a stop, buried deep inside of Tim. He knew Jason was coming inside of him, but his body was too battered to feel Jason’s cum filling his insides. Shame that was. Tim wanted to know how it felt, to be claimed by Jason in this carnal way.

They were both so perfectly still, for two people who had been shaking and clawing at each other just moments ago. The only noise was heavy breathing that echoed through the night.

Tim swallowed. He tried to find himself through the pain. He worked through the body checklist that Bruce gave him. Vision. Smell. Taste. Feel. Sound. All the sensations clashed against each other, out of focus and pounding against Tim’s skull.

It was so hard to think.

Tim groaned. Focus. 

Like cold water thrown on his face, he clawed his way out of subspace. Tim got a good look at Jason’s face.

“Are you crying?” Tim voiced the thought as soon as it crossed his mind. 

With the mask, it was hard to tell. Jason’s breathing was shuddered, hitching on every inhale. Tim wouldn’t call it sobbing, but it was close enough for Tim to study Jason’s face. The wetness coming out from under Jason’s mask wasn’t red. It streaked through the blood. 

Tear tracks. 

Jason’s completely rational response was to punch Tim in the face.

Tim swore and curled in on himself, cupping his nose. If it wasn’t broken before, it was now. Jason pulled out of Tim without any care and stood up, leaving him curled up on the ground, trying to set the broken bone and manage the bleeding.

Tim tried to sit up. His arms and legs gave out under him and he slammed back to the ground with a pained noise. He looked up at Jason, squinting. Watching as Jason tucked himself back into his pants, then snatched his gloves off the ground to put them back on.

Despite clearly losing the fight, Tim had done a number on Jason. Jason’s face was bloody and his suit was ripped and torn in some places. He looked like he had been mauled by a wild animal.

If that was how Jason looked, Tim couldn’t imagine what the sight of his own body was.

His second attempt to sit up worked. Now, he compartmentalized. Forced the pain deep into the corners of his mind and locked it up. 

Tim had to be functional now. He couldn’t let the regret and shame get to him.

“I-“ Jason started to say something. It was only one word, but it sounded uncharacteristically soft, making Tim straighten his back and hold his breath. But Jason cleared his throat and folded his arms, stamping down whatever kindness had almost come out. “I’ll throw you a bone. If any of the Bats find you like this you can just tell them I raped you,” he said it like some kind of mean joke.

Tim didn’t say anything. That wasn’t true. They both knew it.

“Preserve your precious dignity you care so much about, huh?” Jason continued. He sounded unsure of himself and he turned away from Tim. 

“Jason-“ Tim reached out for him. “We can still-“ he struggled for the words. “It doesn’t have to end like this. You can still change. I’ll-“

“Don’t,” Jason snapped. He kicked away Tim’s hand. “We both know it’s too late for that.” He started to walk away. “Never wear that suit again, Drake. I’d hate to see you die to someone that isn’t me.” He almost sounded… protective? Tim wouldn’t call it fondness, but maybe something close to that. Tim refused to allow himself to read into it. Whoever Jason Todd had become, he was someone that Tim couldn’t save. He was someone who didn’t want to be saved, no matter how Tim felt about him. Tim had to accept that, even with Jason’s cum deep inside him. Some truths were immutable. 

Then, Jason was gone. Vanishing into the shadows and leaving Tim there.

Tim tilted his head back. He allowed himself thirty seconds. He counted them. Thirty seconds to sit in his own filth and feel the pain for just a little longer, before he had to move and figure out how he was going to get home in one piece without anyone finding out what happened here.

Just ten more seconds.

Five. 

Three.

One.

With grit teeth and a deep breath, Tim stood up.

[loderlied]

sharing some thoughts about deactivating here because it’s been difficult pondering idk.

[clowningcrows]

lol i pregamed a tiny bit for agatha but now after finishing im just taking shots for coping reasons

[niyana-the-ambiguous-mobian]

Just saw Kung fu Panda 4.

Well, it was certainly a movie…..

Action was good, music was a banger as always, voice acting was top notch, no surprise there.

That’s all I got positive wise.

[shslpunkdrabbles]

I love you because I want to

Ship: Leroy x Keith (mentions of Leroy x Tsuri/Naomi/Kurai)

Theme: Angst to comfort

Warnings: Suggestive, mentions of abuse

“Always remember this, Leroy. Everyone has a selfish side to them. Some are more blatant than others. Some want more than others. Some will stay silent, and others will shout it to the world. And those very people will take every drop out of someone like you, until there’s nothing left. You, too, have a selfish side within you. I wonder if you will leave someone dry, or if you’ll let someone like me continue to use you to my heart’s content~.”

So many years have passed since that monster of a man disappeared from Leroy’s life. Surely by now, being surrounded by much better company, the horrid memories of that bastard would’ve disappeared to the past. Be nothing more than a shitty time that wouldn’t need to be worried about anymore. He’s never going to come back.. Tsuri made sure of that..

And yet, he continues to plague his mind..

And how right that statement was..

Too many things have happened to Leroy as the years went by. Too many people took advantage of him because he allowed it. So many came into this life, and they left all the same. He thought that was how his life was meant to be. Even when he finally found ones he can actually trust to stay with him and love him.. Tsuri, Naomi, Kurai.. He knew it deep down. 

Deep down, they were all selfish. Just like him. And he saw those selfish sides. The only difference between their selfishness and the previous strangers before, is that they actually wanted him happy. They were greedy, possessive, downright dangerous.. But they loved him. The “ugly” selfish side wasn’t disgusting to Leroy. Their “ugly” selves were something he could connect to. He loved seeing the “true” side of the,..

Except for one. Who seemed too.. Perfect.

“Leroy! I smell donuts! What flavor this time??”

Keith.

Tsuri, Naomi, and Kurai were all dangerous individuals. But Keith? He was well aware of their natures, but he seemed to care for Leroy just as much as they did, without the “ugly” selfishness. He always clinged onto Leroy, yapping away at whatever thought came to mind. Although he wasn’t involved in their dangour line of work, he still attended their meetings and was their cheerleader. If the others were busy for whatever reason, Keith was there to keep Leroy company. He’d eat whatever sweet Leroy made, watch whatever Leroy wanted to watch, go wherever, play whatever, sleep whenever..

There was nothing “selfish” about him.

Bullshit.

Leroy accepted long ago that everyone had a selfish side, but what disgusted him was when people tried to hide it. They would bullshit and act as if they were a “good-heart individual”, but that was always a cover up. The more honest someone was about the ugly side of them, the more appreciative and even intrigued Leroy was witht them. “There’s no point in hiding it. I’ll always find you out.” Leroy would say. 

Leroy loved the selfish ones, and Keith was no different, but after all this time, he still didn’t expose his “ugly” side to Leroy. To tell the truth, having that pure and innocent love was a nice change of pace from the usual “Dark” nature of the others, but.. No way was it real. No way could Keith truly be that sweet and genuine of a person, especially to Leroy. No, there was an ugly side to him. Leroy was sure of it. 

He needed to know. He needs to see it. He needed to confirm Keith’s “ugly” side.

Taking advantage of Keith’s innocence made it incredibly easy for Leroy to get into action. Leading him to the bedroom with the idea of “just cuddling”, Leroy locked the door, shoved Keith onto the bed, and pinned him down with his body. Leroy’s long buttoned shirt was ripped apart by himself, exposing his see-through lingerie close to Keith’s surprised eyes. Sitting firmly on the smaller male’s crotch, Leroy pressed himself closer to the other, a dark, lusty look on his face.

“Tell me..” Leroy whispered, “Why have you been hiding from me all this time?”

Keith looked confused, causing Leroy to chuckle. “You know how the others are with me, right? You’re not blind to the hunger they have for me. They may care for my well being, but if I so much as snapped my fingers, they would rip each other apart to keep me all for themselves. They want me beyond measure, and have done a lot of terrible things because of me.” Leroy’s grip on Keith’s wrists tightened, despite Keith not resisting in any sort of way. “You’re not like my girls at the cafe; you’re well aware of the dangerous side of us.. Of me. The REAL me. And yet, you’ve been holding yourself back from me. You can’t hide it from me.

“So show me, Keith..” Leroy grinned wide, whispering ever so close to Keith’s ear. “Show me your ugly, selfish side~..”

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock..

Silence filled the room. So silent, their heartbeats became unbearingly loud. The only movement from Keith was his stomach rising and falling from breathing. No sort of fight back. No shoving, no pulling, no yelling nor cursing. Just laying in uncomfortable silence.. Until..

“You’re trembling, Leroy.”

Leroy’s once confident expression fell apart into confusion, and when he lifted himself up enough to see Keith’s face, who looked the most serious Leroy had ever seen him, his stomach dropped. A part of him wanted to pull back and.. Beg for forgiveness. Like he defied and tried to take control of someone he wasn’t supposed to. But still, he held his ground, because.. Well, Keith was HIS, right?? Keith wasn’t like.. That man.. But.. 

“The ugly, selfish side, huh?” Keith spoke again, causing Leroy to stiffen. “You really want to know what I  really think about you?”

Of course Leroy did.. And yet, how serious and calm Keith was talking, he almost didn’t want to know. Despite that fear, Leroy nodded, trying his best to regain his dominance. As long as Keith exposed his true self, then..

“The truth is I love you.”

… Huh?

“I love how giddy you get when you find a new outfit to try on.” Keith said. “I love how focused you get when you find a new recipe you want to try. I love how strict you get when the others try their own methods in ways that would make a mess. I love how you quietly mumble to yourself when you notice a hint to a movie’s plot twist. I love how your eyes sparkle when you discover a new cafe.”

“What..? N-No, this isn't-..”

“ I love how patient you are with your girls when you teach them a new recipe.” Keith continued, never breaking eye contact. “I love how you’ll purposely turn away from us so we can hug you from behind. I love how you hold and pet and kiss each of us a different way. I love it when you fall asleep while laying on me, even when you try your best not to. I love how, even with your most selfish requests, you’d never actually force any of us to do it if we didn’t want to.”

“N-No, Keith..” Leroy began to whimper, his entire frame shaking. His once overpowering demeanor shrank into a scared child, unable to handle all of the compliments and random details Keith was shooting at him. “St-Stop.. You..” Leroy’s voice could barely come out. He couldn't stop Keith. He..

“If you have to know my selfish side, then..” Keith took back his arms that were no longer pinned by Leroy, and wrapped them around the other’s trembling body, pulling him close to his body once more. “I love you because I want to. No matter what you say or do, I’ll always love you. I’ll never let anyone stop me from loving you.” He pressed his lips against Leroy’s cheek, and Leroy could feel Keith’s cheeky grin against his cheek. “Not even you. 

“How’s that for selfishness? Hehe~”

Leroy couldn’t move. His body refused to move. He could feel both of their heart beats together, his own faster than the other’s. It took a moment for him to realize he had tears streaming down his face, too overwhelmed with guilt and regret. He had felt so confident earlier.. About how Keith surely had an ugly side to him. Everyone did, right? He thought Keith would push him back, climb on top, and have his way with Leroy. He was so sure of it..

Did.. Leroy even want that, though..? Did he actually want Keith to take advantage of him? Yes, he enjoyed it when the others did it because it was still mutual, but Keith.. Keith was different. Keith was the sweet, tender side of the darkness. The one Leroy could cuddle and eat sweets and do nothing with.. And it’d be perfect like that. He wasn’t sure how to feel anymore. He thought he would feel disappointment, and yet he couldn’t help but feel relieved.

“I.. I’m sorry..” Leroy whimpered, curling more onto Keith’s body. “I.. I don’t know why I.. P-Please don’t hate me..”

“I could never.” Keith comforted, running one hand through Leroy’s hair, and the other against his back. “I already told you that I love you. Do you want me to list the reasons again?”

“N-No.” Leroy actually giggled between the soft sobs, stopping himself from hiccuping. “I heard you the first time. I-I just..”

“You sure? I’ll do it again. I’ll probably list other reasons that I didn’t mention earlier!”

“Stop it, you d-dork! Heh heh..” Leroy tried lifting himself up, but was immediately pulled back down by Keith. “C-C’mon, I’m heavy, aren’t I..?”

“Nope.” Keith shook his head. “I’m being selfish. You’re lying here until I say you’re free.”

“Keeeith! You proved your point already! Lemme go!”

“Nuh-uh! You’re my prisoner! You’re stuck with me forever! Heheheh!☆”

Everyone has a selfish side, huh? Well.. it’s not all that bad sometimes.♡

♤

[bylerist]

i’ve had such a terrible week i need to byler tf outttttt

[the-s1lly-corner]

(QUESTION)

I don't know if this is going to sound demanding but shouldn't you like take a break for a Day or 3 with all this writing your doing

Not gonna lie you probably making some straight fire rn but is it dew time for a break?

0h 100% I need a break- but taking breaks is... hard for me; stubbornness and watching dead lines creep closer and stuff--- would take a break in an instant if we weren't rapidly barreling to October 😭😭

I am trying to lessen the load, though! (Closing requests, putting large non deadlined writing projects on back burners, ect) so I can focus on the heavy stuff so theres... less down the line... cuz I KNOW imma get worse the closer we march to October 😭😭😭

I do plan to take my trip out of state next month as an excuse to take a couple days off though :3 mweheheheheh

As a /lh note I've learned my lesson!! Next year I am NOT going to do 2 October writing challenges at once- idc if I started prepping in January I'm still going through kt!!!! Also a 3 month break after constant writing for 9 months just to do it again does not at all sound appealing LMAO

Maybe I'll set some time aside and do some drawing soon