#it felt like seeing an old friend
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oof. I just relapsed pretty badly
#and after I was doing okay for a good while#funny how I can fuck it all up on a whim#it literally was just ‘hm I feel shitty restless and irritable. I should do the thing’#and then talking to myself in my head like ‘then fucking do it. you won’t. you can’t anymore you’re weak now.’#and in turn thinking like ‘I will. I can.’ ‘then fucking do it’ and visualizing the steps I’d take to go do it and getting closer and closer#until I decided ‘I’m going to.’ and went and did it#and the shitty part is I felt relief#it felt like seeing an old friend#god I’m so useless and shitty#I’m never gonna be anything and I’m really not sure why I’m still alive#I’m the most pathetic unnecessary sad adult#so many people would look down upon me I don’t blame them#no job no aspirations no college nothing#so many people would look at me and think what are you doing with your life get a job you’re a useless weirdo go live in your moms basement#to them I say#don’t worry#I can’t imagine myself living past 30 so it’s okay#I won’t be taking up space and air and food that other more important people could use for too much longer#I’ll die a sad death all alone and unfulfilled#probably get heart disease due to my friedrichs ataxia#so don’t worry#I’ll be gone soon enough
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Huzzah! It's birthday time! I'm slowly accumulating more and more things I like (latest additions this vest I made and a travel typewriter! Still need to fix the latter one though)
Sure has been a year.
#terri#niart#got my wisdom toofies out#well 2 out of 4#still got stitches#idk if this removal lowkey fixed my fear of the dentist?#it was so easy and painless#also finally i'm on anxiety meds jkahsdjash#i also got depression meds but i haven't tested them yet#I'm going to see the love of my life soon again!!!#only 2 more months to go....#i've also finally found awesome friends who don't make me feel like i'm insane for wanting to be cared for#the difference is like night and day#old friends saying hey let's surprise another friend of ours oh also i think it's your birthday on that day#new friends reminding me to pick a brunch place for us to go on my special day#i am sobbing#the right people are out there#don't lose hope#i've never felt this platonically loved honestly#also yes i'm working on the next dragon's lair aksjdhasjkd#just#a lot of things happening and i'm sooo burnt out#this piece was such a strain and i just#don't have patience for art rn#this is photobashed btw there's an actual photo of my typewriter under all those layers#i'm not about to spend 300 hours just to draw a typewriter from this angle kajshdjkasdh#ALSO ONE MORE THING CAN I JUST GUSH ABOUT THE ANASTASIA BROADWAY OKAY?!?!?!#I didn't realise until now that they made it way more historically inspired and i mean bruh BRUH#i have been having a recording of it playing on the background nonstop for like 3 days now#Vladimir Popov I want to inject you straight into my veins holy shit he is a perfect man
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few memes i drew my OCs with for fun and a break from drawing srs/comic stuff hhh (might post more later)
#i really wanna return to drawing my comics again and post more oc stuff here too#returning to them felt so good and like seeing old friends again HHHGSGG#theyre my oldest ocs from my first actual coherent story when i was 14/15 🫶#own art#sketch#own ocs#grimms game stuff#own comic
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I love songs about love I love taylors earlier discography but after 20 years I'm just ....bored. you're in your 30s, you're the "artist of our generation" or whatever but you're still talking about love via high school metaphors? What does ttpd add to your pallette, references to being INSANE? That's your big statement, that you're turning into the jonker? Groundbreaking. At least 75% of these songs are watery versions of ones she's written with 1000% more artistry on previous records. I'm not trying to be a hater and I know I'm devoting so much mental energy to this I KNOW but it's precisely because I used to love her work. I'm disappointed to my core
#with folklore it felt like she was maturing. settling into something deeper#hearing betty for the first time had me in tears like my old friend was back.#it just sucks to see her self-flagellating so hard now. it really sucks#anti taylor swift#the swiftcourse
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i have been a ball of depression lately as well as my physical health worsening pretty severly this past week due to stress and so my friends have been. trying so hard to get me to get out and do things and its very sweet but i feel bad because the whole time i’m just a total mess
#they say they dont mind but i need to really. stop#im stuck.#and i know it’s hard on my friends to see me like this since i’ve been doing a lot better and now am back to my old habits#but i felt bad because they took me out shopping and to dinner tonight and i just had a headache and was limping and couldnt stop talking#about the recent death in my family and all the stress from classes and socially and how lost i feel#and i just wanted so bad to just. enjoy myself but i couldnt#but my friends know about how severe my depression is and are all very used to it#its in fact more normal than not. but i was really. feeling at my best for several months so the crash back down to not eating and sleeping#and being unable to fully tidy my room and all that stuff has been. difficult for me as well as those around me#it’s been normal for me for so long to live terribly that taking care of myself for a while and then losing the drive to has been. hard#im trying to get better but i slide back down#i need to work on my constant self loathing but i keep walking around just. conviced im such a burden and being sad makes it even worse#i just. am always overcompensating for my lack of#ability to love myself with just. constantly showering everyone around me with love and its. hard for me when i dont have the energy to do#even that anymore. its hard to let people take care of me when i just want to take care of them all the time
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Hey/
Did you see 6 skeletons 1 maid updated?
Thoughts?
I was saving this ask to make a little comic of how that last chapter felt but- lets say it didn't turn out how i wanted. Instead, i just dug out some of my old Maid-chan drawings and stared at them blankly for the next days.
I'm still particularly fixed on this one little page:
Mister Green was my absolute favorite and the only light i saw at the end of her tunnel. He was so kind and sweet, and pretty much the only one that treated her like a person (besides Yellow of course). When i first read this fic so many years ago i didn't trully realized the dark tone of this story but i still chose the only "healthy" option. I wanted MC to be happy and free, and oh how i wanted him to give her that. I held those drawings of him for years imagining a chapter where they would encounter again and that would drive her to a better ending (either skeletons overcoming their issues and treating her with respect or him taking her away).
But then this final chapter appeared and it was... a thing.
(Kinda spoilers for the babes that haven't read it)
First of all, I FINALLY GOT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER BEACH CHAPTERS OMG I NEEDED THAT
Second of all, it didn't look good at all and it was getting worse as I read. But then good because it was a week alone for her to rest and Sans was eating with her?? But also that whole scene reminded me how bad her situation really was so it actually wasn't good at all.
And then the scene that broke me.
I was aware that I wanted her to flee before, but I never thought she could.
It was oddly satisfying, if not a bit anxiety inducing because of the thought that they would caught her eventually. As always.
But then Asgore, and Orange. And nothing...
I got mad that he found her. Which was a weird feeling since I remember liking him a lot. It felt to me like he ruined her good enough ending. But despite that, it makes sense it was him so I don't complain.
What crushed me though, wasn't that she couldn't say goodbye or that Sans got tired of trying to get her back. It was the fact the Gs didn't even try looking for her. They didn't even got mentioned. What happened there, I wonder. Didn't they like her? Care for her? Mister Green wrote her letters, of course he liked her. But then why...?
Suddenly he looked like a fairytale.
The ending was great, finally lending her the ability to choose. It made absolutely everything worth it and the way it was written made me feel like I do have a say in the matter. And for the first time, i didn't choose the skeletons.
I realized she could find her happy ending alone.
(My live reaction)
#Thank you for asking I'm still not over this fic but I'm so relieved we got some kind of closure yknow#Seeing maid-chan after so many years felt like meeting an old friend#and they summarize the hell they went through just to finish it with a “but I'm ok now”#I wanted to hug her so bad#I'm just glad she's free#I still love my skellies duh but I now recognize their highly toxic behavior#I still love Green I would redraw him but damn man where tf are you?!#I'm team Asgore and Chara now#Fuch them everyone else#5am talks#6s1m#That damn woman also had the EGGS to live off of moss and stream water wth
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What the FUCK do y’all know about sexualizing nuns⁉️🤪
#this is actually my old way of coloring#I’m so glad I decided to go back to it <3#proud of this one🫶#I hate leather but it’s so sexy 😔#I dunno how well that dude on Twitter accomplished their goal lol#guys I was legit depressed over my art style the other night and then I opened this file#got flashed by Gil and immediately felt better#my tulpa wife who flashes me and chases the demons away <3#trans Gil#succumbed to peer pressure and gave him some bangin hangers#they didn’t have to try too hard#hetalia fanart#hetalia#hws prussia#aph prussia#gilbert beilschmidt#my friend sent me a letter and was like I see you’re still in your hetalia phase#get well soon :)#or2#digital art#my art#commissions open#artists on tumblr#procreate#digital illustration#illustration#fanart#digital painting#typical catholic progression
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These are the same scene and no I will not be elaborating
#jk i always elaborate#when 10 yr old me saw rickie vasquez release his inhibitions and dance i openly WEPT#he had just expressed how he felt like he didn't belong anywhere#that he didn't “fit”#but in that moment with that delia - not a friend. not a stranger. just another soul - he felt free#he felt like he belonged#he allowed himself to be openly silly and a bit flamboyant and sexy and free#and it hit me so hard#it would be years before i fully realized why i was so affected by it#anyway#watching eddie chase a bit of joy FOR HIMSELF#to see him be a little silly and sexy while he dances around his living room in his underwear (a physical manifestation of vulnerability)#i openly wept again#so these are the same scene *to me* for so many reasons#eddie diaz#rickie vasquez#911 abc#911 on abc#tv: 911#911#mscl#my so called life
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@thecultoflove SINCE YOU JUST LOOVE MIZU5 . HOW BOUT YOU HAVE YOUR FLY MIZU5-ED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .... Uhh .. MizuFly -ed .. erm ...... amirite folks ? haha ... ?
#i had so much fun with this you have NO idea#maybe it's cuz my bond between prjsk and dhmis is just like . pretty deep#that game WAS a pretty big inspiration for the hv au after all#you can still sorta see remnants of the prjsk characters that i based the little guys around#kanade for tony . mafuyu for brendon . an for tracey . saki and emu for sketch . ena for shrig#drawing this felt like revisiting your old childhood bedroom ahaha#but like more painful because I STILL DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES BACK#im gonna cry bro MY HEAD IS POOOOUUNDINGGGG#if i don't get them back soon im gonna bang my head against the wall im dead serious#anywayyyzz#I LOVE YOUR ART DOLL !!!#YOURE SUPER PAWESOME !!!#IM SORRY IF THIS IS LIKE .BAD BUT I RLLY DID TRY MY BEST TO POWER THROUGH THIS HEADACHE !!!!#I LOVE YOUUUU X333#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis shrignold#shrignold the butterfly#fanart#fanart for a friend
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here i give u poem or wtv
#me when after seeing san jose taiko and falling asleep on the minivan on the way home instead of sleeping i write poem#all poems are love poems. this one is love poem to old car and my friends and my mom#love u car and friends and mom#good stuff. think people are very excellent#i had an insane morning yesterday u see like super surreal singapore government advertisement type morning#so i felt all funky even tho i was like heehee! cock and balls#but then we went to see san jose and friends!!!! all around!!!!! people giving me headpats holding my hand etc#and i was like. world not all bad#world soft and warm sometimes. forgiven#this is how we keep going right. one foot in front of the other. wretchedly wretchedly#with love#anyway#poetry#poem#words#my writing#my stuff
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,
#talked about this leading up to it but they Did play like real people do#and i couldnt even see through my tears#hurts so bad on so many levels like i have never done All That. smthng so vital to My humanity#and then leaving the venue watching all the couples holding hands including the one that i came with.#pain just lots of pain my head hurts so bad i cried so hawrd#talkys#adn also he's literally so beautiful i hate my life#NOT in a parasocial way i jst do thingk he's handsome its the hair for sure#qlso remember how i wanted to make a piece about how like#i cant even look at old sculptures of humans bc it feels so. like. here i am looking at something resembling human-ness#and i cant touch it.#this felt like an extension in the way of the song being played ykwim#once again just spectating listening unable to do anything with my feelings#i crushed my best friends hand about it. while she leans over and kisses her boyfriend#it will always be something just maybe barely there in the distance. unattainable#i myself am an untouchable statue only human in resemblance etc
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valentines day pkmn wip ^_^
#im gonna put them on their own canvases and write a little abt their design insp and ideas#i had a lot of ideas but decided to go with the ones i felt worked strongest. although id love to go back to the ones that#didnt make the cut and see if i can rework them.. its a little hard to remember things that correspond to valentines day...!!!!#i wanted to do wedding dress gardevoir.. pearl necklace onix... romantic candle chandelure... heart balloon drifloon....#cherubird was supposed to be delibird but i found it hard to work around the santa theme without making it hard to recognize#so i decided to make it a new pokemon (fakemon?) entirely ^_^ based on seraphim doves and love letters#klefki is based on the pont de arcs bridge in france known for its lovelocks!! it collects charms like halves of best friend necklaces#lockets and lost wedding rings.. sawsbuck is based on tree carvings with lovers names and sakura branches#roserade is based on flower bouquets. i like how its design came out!! the body is supposed to look like a waistcoat#lopunny based on playboy bunnies. the fur on its wrists is supposed to resemble the cuffs. torso has the one piece suit#and their legs have the thigh high stockings. frogadier is based on romantic bubble baths with flower petals#tangela is based on curly old telephone wires that you twirl between your fingers when calling your lover kicking your feet in the air#decidueye has to be my fav though with the cupid theme. also used barn owls bc of the heart shaped face#i cant wait to finish these!!!! i can see these going on my portfolio for sure#my art#myart#pokemon#pokemon design#valentines day#wip#doodles
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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Balphus gets a boyfriend….maybe it’ll calm his ass down. (Doubtful)
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He doubts the power of love smh
(pre boyfriend match criticisms + him being a home wrecker bc March seems to get extra pissy when he makes googoo eyes and kisses the lord captain’s hand hehehe)
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580th date, finally able to hold hands
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Ah? No way he’s normally way more of a bitch-
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Busted—
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Love my boyfriend has two sides—
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Some yammerings abt home wrecker Bal w/ @selemina (aka @Taryn40k )below the cut X3
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#had this in drafts for a while. felt inspired to release my own ‘old’ man Yaoi to compete#also go check out Taryn 40k and read their work#the more you like their stuff the more I get little treats (seeing/reading abt da ocs and sometimes my bbys and tidbits😼😼😼😼😼)#wh40k#warhammer 40k#lazy art#wh40k art#wh40k oc#bitch boy balphus#lazy’s art dump#wh40k inquisitor#inquisitor oc#inquisitor ravenstock#friends ocs#ecclesiasticarchy 40k
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THIS ONE GOT POSTED WAAAAY EARLIER THAN USUAL, BUT EY- IM NOT COMPLAINING!!! Just was completely bamboozled
SPANISH CLASS VERY QUICKLY BECAME A CHALLENGE OF TRYING NOT TO REACT TO STRONGLY TO THIS INFORMATION 😭😭
( @forgettable-au , go read it 🫵/th)
AAAUUUGH AHA!!! I KNEW IT IT WAS THE RIVER PERSON MWAHAHA all the evidence towards them being friends makes me actually giggle so much- cause why does it make so much sense AND WHY DIDN’T I NOTICE THAT
New head canon acquired… I love how Sans is outwardly mysterious, while Papyrus is just friends with a shitton of mysterious people
(ofc hes also weird- but you get me- VIBES WISE. He is not mysterious vibes wise.)
ANYWHO I really like seeing Papyrus in the judgment hall for fun reasons, and briefly MORE NEW HOME! Thats gotta be CREEEPPYY I feel like its the equivalent of walking around NYC and having it be completely silent and empty, the only sound being your own footsteps. I rock w it tho
lil bitch
HIS REACTION TO NOT KNOWING ABOUT THE RIVER PERSON IS SO FUNNYNFDHEDH hes so pissed…BAMBOOZLED, even
crack head theory coming from nothing but my own dwindling sanity: River Person is a rogue Gaster Follower, following Papyrus instead of Gaster and being silly. NO, NO. NO NEED TO CLAP! I KNOW IM BRILLIANT ALREADY!
I love em though theyre an underrated side character/NPC, and I love that they’re gonna be coming back cause YESSS. augh the way theyre draawwwnn. AAUGH. Fabric…Pretty…
Also obsessed with Flowey being surprised at the boat turning into a dog while Papyrus and River Person are just chilling
GAAAAHHH AND THEM TELLING PAPYRUS A GAME YOU CAN PLAY WITH A DOG, AND THAT THEY “ASKED AROUND” IT MAKES ME GIGGLE SM THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!
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Wait until bro hears about Fun Events
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*bursts into tears*
THEN THIS LAST PAGE- AUGH THERES SO MUCH TO DIGEST BUT FIRST OF ALL I WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS
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the fact that its framed but in a drawer, its with Sans’ things, PAPYRUS’ REACTION. THE FACT THAT SANS DOESNT BOTHER CAUSE HE FEELS LIKE THIS WONT LAST. “””””IM SURE HES GOING TO WANT SOME OF THESE BACK EVENTUALLY””””
idk gang it all just hits a part of my brain that makes me go
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also….in the corner…..”ph”….photo album……maybe…?…..perchance….?????
…FLOWEY GET YOUR VINE OUT OF THE GODAMN WAY
That vine being there + there being such a focus on the picture with Papyrus’ reaction/ how the frame its in is drawn… It makes me think its gonna transition into Flowey grabbing it or something like that “OO! A CLUE!!!” But that might just be me
sorta unrelated…idk why im thinking of this just now, but IM JUMPIN FOR JOY imagining Floweys reaction to the holes in Papyrus’ hands like “OH GOD??? doesnt that…hurt?”
“…Good question!
IN GENERAL…Im just enjoying this so much. In your typical AU comic, itd be the other way around! Papyrus would get some good scenes, sure. But Sans is the one doing all the exploring, doing all the mysterying. BUT THIS AINT YOUR TYPICAL AU COMIC CAUSE of a bunch of reasons- BUT ALSO PAPYRUS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hes sooo much fun, so well written, so well DRAWN in this im freaking out about it but attempting to be calm(er)
#like i said before about new home#im in love with the ambiance of this#the vibe of being in an empty town#an empty underground#your old house#now empty and with the lights off#ITS JUST SUCH A VIBE!!!#would love to see it#its in the background ( literally and figuratively-)#but i feel like its just always FELT#AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!#auuugghhhh#forgettable au yap#forgettable au live reaction#when i catch you sunsestart when i catch you#forgettable au#LAST THING ABOUT THE ART#THE WATER REFLECTIONS ON THE BOAT#*writhes on the floor*#papyrus i love you so much my sweet summers child#something im thinking about with the river person and why papyrus and them make such great buddies#other than my incredible papyrus follower theory#is theyre both weird asf#but like them just happily accepting the boat turning into a dog#theyre both so used to it they just keep chatting and being buddies#AND ITS JUST SO NICE N CUTE#i love when people are friends#i wish friends were real
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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