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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 1 year ago

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All the Good Girls Go To Hell 18

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, obsession, power imbalance, injury, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You come home for the summer but your break is not as relaxing as you expect.

Character: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers

Note: this week has been a week!

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)

Love you all. Take care. 💖

You steer along to Naomi's directions, hesitant as she has you turn towards the mall. You're pretty sure this isn't the right way but you have no idea. You just assumed they all lived in the same suburbs.

"Um, Nay?" You roll slowly between the rows of cars, "is this a shortcut or something?"

"Pfft, nope! We're going shopping. We need something cute to wear to the party."

"Shopping?" You frown, "I don't... have money."

"I do," she wiggles her phone, "the miracle of technology. I still have all the cards on my cell."

"Oh, do you think that's a good idea?"

"Look, we can't show up looking like this," she whines, "besides, it'll be fun. Girls' day!"

"Mmm, well, I'm fine in what I'm wearing," you shrug as you look for a spot.

Her phone lights up and she quickly reads the screen, blacking it out and rolling her eyes. She flips down the visor and checks herself in the mirror as you strain to see around her. You turn into an empty spot and roll up the windows.

"You have to get something extra cute. It's not about the boys, alright? It's about us."

"Sure," you say, letting your seat belt repel as you stare across the lot.

You still can't believe it. You're effectively homeless and Naomi doesn't seem to care. Well, she's used to the uncertainty by now, you can understand now how it made her so erratic.

You exhale. What else can you do? Wallow in reality. The distraction might do you well. No wonder she's always up to something. Anything. It's not pointless when the important things are so scary.

"Come on," she nudges you, "I wanna dress you up!"

You peek at her and give in with a nod. You grab your purse and fix your glasses. Anything to waste time, not that you're looking forward to anything.

She leads the way down the aisle of cars, almost skipping. You can't decide if she's compartmentalizing well or hopelessly optimistic. You drag your soles up the tarmac as she rushes ahead to the mall doors.

Inside, the crowd makes you want to turn around. Something about seeing the families clustered together and the teenagers hanging off each other makes you feel even more out of place. They all have somewhere to go after this. Ugh, how quickly it all dimmed to gray.

"Alright," Naomi hooks her arm through yours, "let's find the shortest dresses in this damn place."

"Nay," you huff.

"You're gonna rock it. Trust," she giggles, "you always look so sexy." She leans into you, "and tonight, we're gonna get lit."

☀️

Hours spent traversing the mall and your feet thrum. The day is far from over. As you drive down the cul de sac you dread the finish to the long day. A party. You're not a party person and the last one you went to…

Yikes.

Naomi has her seat belt off before you even stop. You shift into park as she reaches over to hit the horn, honking up at the large house. She trills and gets out, grabbing the bags out of the back as she watches the door expectantly.

You climb out on your side, lingering nervously as she heads towards the winding little walkway to the steps. The door opens as she gets to the bottom. Harry greets her with a smirk and a wink, opening his arms.

"Kitty cat," he purrs, "funny seeing you here."

"Whatever, Harry," she chirps, "don't act like you weren't waiting for me."

"Mm," his eyes flit towards you, "didn't tell me you were bringing a friend."

"Two for the price of one," she lets him kiss her lips, "you know how… he is. Fucking nightmare. We need to let loose."

"Bring any goodies?" He looks at the bags in her hand curiously.

"No drinks," she pouts, "sorry, baby."

You slowly make your way up the walkway and hide behind her. You feel like an intruder. You wouldn't have let her bring you if you knew you weren't invited.

"It's fine," Harry says as he backs up, "Peter'll be here. Him and Gwen are on the outs again."

“Boo. So… can we come in or what? We gotta get all thotty for the party.”

He scoffs and waves her inside. You trail a few paces back and give a sheepish smile. He hardly seems concerned with you as he watches Naomi’s ass. Right, you’re not expecting much tonight. Really, you don’t know what to expect.

“Come on, sweetie,” Naomi looks over her shoulder as she struts on, “let’s get you dolled up.”

☀️

The lilac sheath overlaid in indigo and silver sequins is much to scant to your liking. When you tried it on in the store, you swore you'd put it back. Naomi insisted and put it in the basket before you could argue.

The dress is even skimpier than you remember, or maybe it’s Naomi’s insistence that you skip the bra. She didn’t like how the straps peeked out under the narrow purple ones. You’ll be spending most of this occasion with your arms crossed.

You hear voices as you follow her down the hall. You feel ridiculous. She spent too much time prettying you up and it doesn’t feel like long enough. The one thing she couldn’t convince you of is to leave your glasses behind. The last thing you need is to be stumbling into strangers.

“Harry,” she squeals as she takes you through the open sliding door into the backyard. There’s a folding table lined with colourful shot glasses and a cooler underneath. There are several guests already milling about and gabbing noisily. “There you are.”

She saunters forward and you stay stuck to the ground as you watch her sling her arms around Harry. He lets her and puts his hand on her lower back. They kiss, long and sloppy. You knew it wouldn’t be pretty with Naomi sipping vodka while she got dressed.

“Hey, didn’t know you were coming,” a voice shakes you from your worry.

You look over as Peter steps up. A reddish curl hangs down his forehead as he grins at you. He wears a striped short-sleeve button up and teal shorts. His muscled chest peeks out the top as he holds a red solo cup.

“How about a drink?” He offers.

“I don’t know–”

“Sort of the whole deal here, to have some fun,” he says, “she sure will be.”

He glances across the yard as Naomi hangs off of Harry, his hand now firmly on her ass. Oh, yeah, you don’t know why you’re disappointed. You cross your arms and turn back to Peter. You catch his eyes flick up from your chest. Great.

“Uh, sure, why not, I’ll have a soda.”

“Soda and…” he tilts his head coyly.

Your furrow your brows, “come on, specs, live a little,” he grabs your hand and you teeter as he tugs on you. You give in if only to keep from tripping over your own toes. He takes you to the long table and grabs two of the shot glasses, presenting the neon jello shots with a devilish grin.

“Let’s start with the appetizer.”

You accept the orange one. You examine it. You’ve never had one before. It jiggles as you move the glass.

“Go on,” he clacks his glass against yours and raises it, swiftly dumping it in his mouth.

You sigh and do the same. One shot won’t hurt. It’s sweet enough and mostly cool. You can taste the alcohol for sure but it’s not awful. You put down the empty cup and gulp down the melting gelatin.

“Mmm,” you hum through your full mouth.

“Alright, so what’s next? You want a cooler? You a beer girl?” He bends and flips open the cooler.

“Really, that’s good for me–”

“Raspberry lemon twist,” he pulls out a bright pink can, “that seems like a you drink.”

He holds it out. You stare at it. He still has his red cup in his other hand. You reluctantly take the can. He looks at you until you crack the tab open.

“Thanks,” you murmur.

He winks and takes a drink from his cup, “better catch up,” he pulls the brim back, “oh, and before I get obnoxious, I should tell you how good you look.”

“Uh, thank you,” you take a tentative sip. It’s not bad, stringent but palatable.

“You seem… grim,” his smile falls, “what’s up?”

“Nothing,” you lie.

“Look, I’m not looking for a therapy session but there’s obviously something going on–”

“Really, it’s nothing,” you crane and look for Naomi as you hear her giggle.

“Ah, yeah, trouble follows her around,” he says, “she can take care of herself. It’s a party. You need to let loose. You’re wound so tight, I’m sure you could use it.”

You turn back to him, “not to be rude but what do you care?”

“Well, I’m going through a break up. Again,” he looks into his cup and swishes around the contents, “and I need to get a little bit loose myself. So, you and me, we’re sticking together. Think you’re the only one here who doesn’t know Gwen so, yeah.”

“Ah, got it,” you say dryly.

“No, get it,” he insists as he pokes the bottom of your can, “let’s go, sunshine. Get messy.”

You let your eyes fall back to the top of the can. What is the point in staying sober in a sea of drunk idiots? You’re done being the wallflower and you’re done tiptoeing around. It’s one night and you’re not going to spend it thinking about Steve or your mom.

You lift the can and gulp from the top, stopping before you can choke. You cover your mouth and swallow painfully, holding back a bubbly belch. Peter chuckles and empties his cup.

“There we go,” he encourages you, “I knew you had it in you.”

☀️

The world is slanted. You feel light and heavy at the same time. Your vision is hazy at the corners and each step is uneven. You have your arms slightly out as you make your way across the room.

You fall onto the sofa next to Naomi as Harry talks loudly beside her. As usual, she’s in the middle of the crowd, enjoying the limelight. She looks over as you jostle her and she slumps towards you.

“Heyyyyyyy, you’re here,” she says as if she forgot.

“Mmm,” you withhold a hiccup, “yeah…”

She smiles and reaches up to pet your cheek, “are you drunk?”

“Little,” you admit as she caresses your face.

“She’s blitzed,” Peter perches on the armrest on your other side, “told her not to keep pace with me.”

“Whatever,” you blather, your tongue clumsy as his chirping piques your irritation. “You’re the one… giving me drinks.”

“Aw, babe, you’re silly,” Naomi preens as her hand tickles down your neck, “Pete, Pete,” she hisses as she waves in his direction, leaning over you, “doesn’t she look fucking hot?”

You grab the hem of your dress, remembering how short it is. She flutters her fingers down the strap and gropes your chest. You swat her away and squeal.

“You should see what’s underneath,” Naomi slurs.

“Nay,” you catch her hand as she tries to grab you again.

“What? Why are you being like this?” She snips, “she sleeps in my bed and now she’s acting like a little prude.”

“Naomi,” you exclaim.

“I made her cum, you know? She was whining and whimpering–”

“Naomi, stop,” you beg as her other hand crawls back up along your cheek, “shut up.”

“Why, baby? I’m being nice,” she looks at you with her glassy eyes. She’s so drunk her head wobbles. “You like it when I’m nice, don’t you?”

She leans in as you hear Peter snicker. Before you can stop her, her lips are on yours. You wriggle helplessly and push on her shoulder. She slips her hand behind your head, keeping you pinned between her and the couch as her other hand creeps along your thigh. You hear others oohing and awing at her scene.

You whine and shove her as hard as you can. She recoils with a gasp as she wipes the slobber from her lips. You can’t believe what she just did. You know she’s drunk, and you are too, but you don’t understand why she’d do that.

“Ah, come on, that was fucking hot,” Peter growls.

“Yeah, that was sexy,” Harry agrees, “go on, girls, let’s get the full show–”

You grunt as you shove yourself up to your feet. It’s difficult to get them under you as your head swims dizzily. You feel Naomi try to latch on but you swipe her away. Peter pinches your ass and you yipe as you stumble and hurry away. What’s going on?

You stagger across the room without looking back. Are they following you? Where’s your phone? You have to call your mom. You’re scared.

You find your cell outside and find your mother’s number. You stop from pressing down on the screen. You can’t call her, she hates you.

You clasp your cell tight and wade through the shadows around the house. You sidle through the tight space between the fence and the siding and come out to the front lawn. Your car is blocked in by a bunch of others. It doesn’t even matter, you can’t see straight, let alone drive.

Your phone flashes suddenly and you answer without checking the screen.

“Hello?” You garble as you walk aimlessly along the driveway.

“Hey, sweetie, you okay?”

“Dad?” You utter as the deep voice surprises you.

“No, honey, it’s me. Bucky. I’ve been calling you–”

“Bucky…” you mope, “no. I want… I want my mom. I want my dad, please.”

“Doll, where are you?”

“I don’t want to talk to you. I know what you did,” you close your eyes and push your lip out.

“Sweetheart, where’s Naomi?”

“Naomi?” You repeat, “she– please help me.”

Your legs fold and you sit in the gravel. You can’t move. You don’t want to. Moving means you need to think and you’re all out of thoughts. You don’t know where to go or what to do. You’re trapped here in this suburban hellscape. Drunk and dumb and desperate.

“Are you with Naomi?” He asks as you hear a jingle on his end.

“She’s here,” you admit as you hang your head.

“Alright, sweetie, stay on the phone,” he says calmly. The even keel of his timbre comforts you, despite everything, despite his lies, his certainty eases the swell of nerves, “how are you feeling? Why don’t you look around and tell me something. Find something red for me.”

“Red?” You sniffle.

“Yeah, like I Spy,” he says, “find something red. Make me guess.”

“Um, uh,” you stutter and look around, “alright…” you hear rustling, a soft click, and footsteps. He’s moving but you don’t know what he’s doing, “I see… something red,” you focus on the lawn gnome’s cap, the round-bellied figurine standing in the garden.

“Alright, is it something… big?” He asks.

You squint and focus on his question. Hm, it’s not very big but compared to the flowers, it is. Ugh, you don’t know. You’re too drunk.

“Doll,” Bucky urges, “stay with me. You’re gonna be okay, I promise.”

#bucky barnes #steve rogers #dark bucky barnes #dark!bucky barnes #dark steve rogers #dark!steve rogers #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x reader #fic #dark fic #dark!fic #series #au #all the good girls go to hell #marvel #mcu #captain america #winter soldier #avengers

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sitkowski · 6 months ago

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just crash (it's our time now) - nicholas x ofc

pairing: nicholas ruffilo x cam (ofc) cw: ⚠️ 18+MDNI. warnings for angst, vaginal sex, fingering (f receiving), talk of birth control, praise kink of you squint. word count: 5.7k author's note: this is my first bad omens fic, hope ya'll enjoy! dedicated to all of the fantastic writers I've come to admire since starting back up with Tumblr again 🫶🏻 title comes from a You Me at Six song.

dividers by @saradika-graphics 🧡

⇉ masterpost || taglist signups

According to the directions that the guy behind the counter had given her at the car rental place, she doesn’t have that far to go before she reaches the motel. The wipers squeak noisily against the windshield, and the hum of the radio can barely be heard above the steady downpour. She can just barely make out the red neon sign ahead of her.

Cam wonders, not for the first time, if this is the right thing to do.

Only she knows it is; he said the three magic words.Not I love you, but I need you. Three little words in a broken voice during a phone call she almost didn’t answer, and the next thing she knows she’s getting a plane ticket. She’s renting a car. She’s driving through the pouring rain in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, Wyoming. Not just because he needs her but because she broke something and she needs to put it back together if she can.

The parking lot is surprisingly filled, but none of the vehicles look familiar to her. She parks in the first available spot, and pulls out her phone. Before she can even text him to let him know she’s there, a message pops into their chat chain, nothing but a room number. Cutting off the car, she realizes that she’s going to have to run through the rain. There’s a familiar hoodie in the passenger seat that she brought with her from home, faded and well worn and no longer smelling like the man who left it behind. She tugs it over her head before opening her door and getting out.

By the time she reaches the row of rooms on the other side of the stairwell, her clothes are soaked through. Her sneakers squelch with each step, and she ducks beneath the overhang and out of the rain. She raises her hand to knock on the door, but sees the curtains twitch. He knows she’s here, and she just stands there awkwardly until he opens the door.

She tries not to be moved by how exhausted he looks. But she always worries, it’s ingrained in her after such a long time. Even if she was the one who ended things, if she was the one who refused to bend. Beneath the exhaustion, she can see how grateful he is that she actually showed up.

“Where are the others?” she asks, in lieu of saying hello.

Nicholas steps aside to let her into the room, pressing the door closed again and Cam turns around to look at him, dripping water all over the carpet. He leans into the door. “Jolly and Folio are in a room upstairs, Matt and Noah are down the row.”

“Did you get a room by yourself just because I was coming? Optimistic of you, Nick.”

It’s mean and she knows it. She wants to take it back almost as soon as she’s said it.

“I’m the only one who didn’t catch the death flu,” he shrugs, seemingly unphased by her words. “We had to cancel two shows.”

Now Cam feels like even more of an asshole. She holds her arms out at her sides. “Shit Nicky, I’m so sorry. I—do you have, like a towel or something?”

He nods and slips around her into the bathroom. She takes off the hoodie and drapes it over one of the chairs at the small table, and toes off her shoes. They won’t be dry by morning. Movement beside her makes her turn, and Nicholas is there with a towel, as well as a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. She almost goes into the bathroom to change, but figures that’s pointless. It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. When she takes off her wet t-shirt and jeans, he takes them for her. While he’s hanging them in the bathroom to drip dry, she puts on the offered clothes, using the towel to dry her hair and trying not to bury her face in the fabric of the shirt because it still smells like him.

Cam sits on the edge of the bed, tucking her hands between her knees. After a minute, he comes back out and sits down beside her. Just being this close to him again after the past few months makes her feel on edge. It’s not entirely a bad feeling. She almost jumps up from the bed when Nicholas reaches over and pushes her damp hair behind her ear.

“Thank you for coming,” he murmurs and she can’t help but look over at him. “You didn’t have to.”

“You said you needed me. I wasn’t going to say no.”

“You could have. I’m not your problem anymore, Camille.”

She doesn’t have an argument, because she was the one who left. She was the one who couldn’t handle getting serious and dating someone who had been her friend for so long before. Ending it was supposed to be a way for her to be able to salvage their friendship, but even months later things weren’t the same. Because she was still in love with him, and she thought coming here was going to be a way for her to either get over it or talk it out. She hadn’t let him talk it out before, she just left.

“You’re always going to be my problem, Nicholas.” Cam tentatively rests a hand on his back. “When’s the last time you slept? Like more than just a quick nap? Because I know you, and I know the canceled shows are keeping you up.”

Nicholas sighs and rubs his eyes, shoulders hitching up in a shrug. “Yesterday, I think? The doctor cleared everyone but Matt still said we should take the weekend and rest instead of going out and doing stuff—”

“Lie back.” she insists.

When he looks at her in confusion, she rolls her eyes. It’s obvious that he needs to rest, and she isn’t going to take no for an answer. She watches as he finally relents and scoots back on the bed, practically falling back against the pillows in relief. Cam glances at the clock, it’s nearly midnight, and knowing that the others have been sick, she doesn’t want to text them just yet. She thinks that Nicholas has fallen asleep, but when she goes to turn off the bedside lamp for him, his hand reaches up to grasp her wrist.

“Where are you going? Lie down with me.”

Her original plan was just to get her own room for the night, but she stares down at him, and realizes that she can’t actually do that to him. Moving up the bed, she turns off the lamp and lays down beside him. Her body is taught with tension that melts away as the minutes pass. They lay in the darkness in silence, and Cam waits for him to speak again or try and hold her like he used to. She’d actually welcome that. But she hears his breathing even out beside her, and that’s what finally pulls her into sleep herself. She knows that this isn’t exactly what she came here for, but she promises herself she’ll tell him tomorrow.

Cam wakes up early enough that she can get her bag from her rental car and send a text to Matt before Nicholas wakes up. He’s still out cold, exhaustion taking its toll. She lets him sleep, but she’s barely put her phone down from texting Matt before another message comes through her phone. She sighs as she reads it, she knew it was coming. Putting on fresh clothes, she slips out of the motel room again and makes her way down the corridor.

Noah is waiting for her, because there was no way that she was just going to show up and not have to talk with him about this. In a way, Nicholas is his, and Cam broke his heart. If she wants to try to fix things with Nicholas, she has to go through him first.

“You don’t look like death at least,” she says with a smile, letting him pull her into a friendly hug. “How are you feeling?”

“Less like someone shoved a chainsaw down my throat.”

They walk around to the other side of the motel where there’s a little room off the office that’s meant to be a place to have breakfast. There’s a box of donuts, and a coffee machine. They get coffee, and go back outside to sit on a low brick wall nearby.

“So, he called you.”

Cam sips her coffee, lets it burn the top of her tongue. It’s bitter. “He said he needed me, Noah.”

The scoff that he lets out is disbelieving, and she gets that. He was the one who picked up the pieces after she and Nicholas broke up. He was the one who told her that she was making a mistake. He’d been right.

“He’s been running himself ragged trying to make sure none of us actually died since he was the only one not sick. Thank you for coming to look after him.”

Noah says it as if it’s the least that Cam could do. And it probably is. “Noah, I’m sorry—”

“Nah, you and I sorted our shit out. We’re good, Camille.”

It’s as close as she’s going to get to a warm welcome, and she accepts it. She and Noah were never as close as she and Nicholas, but they were still friendly with one another. She hurt his best friend, of course he wasn’t going to have the best reaction to seeing her months later. It’s not until they’re headed back around the motel that she drops the bomb on him.

“I’m going to tell Nick that I want to work things out.”

Noah whirls around and steps closer to her, and Cam actually stumbles back a step. It’s not like he’s going to hurt her, but any friendliness from earlier is gone. He’s the one she’s got to get past if she wants to fix things, after all. And right now, the look on his face says it all.

“Why, so you can crush his heart again in four months when you can’t handle him getting too close?”

That hurts, but she knows he isn’t wrong. She wraps her arms around herself, looking towards the room where hopefully Nicholas is still sleeping. She doesn’t even know how the conversation will go. She doesn’t know if he actually wants to get back together. She could have nothing to fix.

“I love him, Noah. I never should have left.” she says, unable to keep her emotions out of her voice.

He gives her a look that is less wary than before, and Cam feels something loosen in her chest. “If you hurt him again, there won’t be a third chance, you get that right? You’ll be done.”

It’s on the tip of her tongue to tell him he doesn’t get to make that choice, but he still isn’t wrong. If she were to do something as stupid as run away again, none of them would ever speak to her again and she wouldn’t blame them one bit. But she doesn’t want to run.

“Look, if you want me to go because you don’t think I’m good enough for him—”

“Are you kidding? He’s been absolutely miserable without you, and he asked you to come here. I know you’re good enough for him, the two of you are just fucking stubborn. We don’t have to leave for two days, so fix your shit. I will get Matt to lock the two of you in that room if you don’t.”

Across the parking lot, the motel room door opens and Nicholas sticks his head out. Noah and Cam both look caught, and he rolls his eyes before ducking back inside.

Noah gives her a sympathetic look. “Have fun with that.”

“Go rest your voice, you still sound like shit.” she teases, giving him a little shove before turning and heading back towards the room.

Nicholas didn’t close the door all the way, and Cam pushes it open and steps inside, closing it back behind her.

“Nice chat with Noah?” he asks.

Coming over to the bed, she sits back down beside him. It’s hard to be this close to him and not think about the good times they had together. It’s hard not to think about the mistakes she made that put her here, feeling more awkward and shy than before they ever dated.

“I knew the minute I called you to come he was going to corner you—”

“He didn’t corner me, he’s concerned about his best friend. After what I did, it’s understandable.” Cam says.

He slumps back on the mattress, tossing his arm over his eyes. “I’m not seventeen anymore, I don’t need him fighting my battles.”

She wants to roll her eyes at his overdramatics, especially because she remembers him at seventeen. But instead she just shuffles down the bed and lays beside him.

“We have a battle to fight?” she asks lightly.

Nicholas lifts his arm and turns on his side to look at her. She wants to look away, escape his gaze, but she can’t. And when he reaches over and curls his hand around the edge of her jaw, she feels tears well in her eyes for some reason.

“I miss you,” he whispers, and she feels herself crumbling. “You’re right here and I still miss you.”

Biting her bottom lip, Cam scoots a little closer to him. He immediately wraps his arm around her, pulling her in as close as he possibly can. They don’t say anything else, not for a long while. The silence is heavy and sad, and as much as she wants to apologize and tell him how wrong she was, she just lets him hold her like this, as if he thinks it’s the last time he’s going to be able to do it.

They fall asleep like that, and when she wakes up, he’s the one who’s gone this time. It’s only been an hour or two. She has a brief moment of panic but she can hear the water in the bathroom and when she looks around the room she sees his cell phone still on the nightstand charging. She pulls herself up and leans back into the headboard, playing with her own phone until the bathroom door opens.

“Matt was gonna send out for takeout, do you know what you want?” Nicholas asks.

Cam looks up from her cell phone and just kind of stares at him for a moment. He’s fresh from the shower, hair hanging damply around his shoulders, droplets of water rolling down his chest. Her eyes drift down to the towel knotted haphazardly around his hips, and she blinks, realizing that he’s talking to her.

“Huh?”

The corner of his mouth tilts up, and he reaches up to push his hair out of his face. “Food, Camille.”

“Right, um, I’ll text Matt what I want. Why don’t you get dressed?”

Nicholas doesn’t laugh at her even though he looks like he wants to, and she blushes, turning her attention back to her phone. She doesn’t look up again, not until he’s sitting down beside her and pulling her phone from her hands.

“Okay, you have until the food arrives, start talking.” When she stares at him in confusion, he rolls his eyes at her impatiently. “Why did you come here, Camille?”

“You asked me to come, you said you needed me—”

“It’s more than that, and you know it.”

Cam sits up a little, trying to put some distance between the two of them, even though she doesn’t actually want it. “How much did Noah tell you?”

“I want to hear it from you.” he says, almost desperately.

Meddling band members aside, Cam knows this is what she came here for. Twisting her hands in her lap, she avoids his gaze for a few long moments. She doesn’t know what she’s expecting to see when she finally manages to look at him again.

“I fucked up,” she starts, immediately feeling a lump form in her throat when he reaches over to wrap a hand around hers. “I shouldn’t have left. It’s a stupid excuse but I was scared. Of getting closer, of falling in love with you. But that was kind of inevitable, I guess. I was probably always gonna fall in love with you, Nicky. I thought you asking me to come here was a sign—”

“Did I have to make you an actual neon sign or something?”

Cam blinks at him. “What?”

“I feel like it would be incredibly mean of me to call you dumb, but I asked you to come here for a reason. One that I hoped was a little more obvious than just me needing you here. Have you connected the dots yet?”

She ignores the undeniable need to smother him with a pillow for his sarcasm as much as the instinctual urge to kiss him. They need to talk this out. Her leaving without talking was what put them in this position in the first place. Rubbing her thumb back and forth over the back of his hand, she sighs and shakes her head.

“Connect them for me.”

Nicholas lets out an exasperated sigh, laughing at her. “I’m in love with you too, you dummy.”

“Hey, I thought you weren’t going to call me dumb—”

She doesn’t get to finish her sentence; he grabs her and pulls her closer until she’s practically in his lap, pressing his mouth to hers and cutting off her words. Her surprise is brief, before she’s wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him back. And he doesn’t just kiss her, he devours her, as if he’s trying to make up for the months of not being able to do so. Cam can’t do much more than let him, balling her fists in his damp hair, opening her mouth beneath his.

His hands slide down around her hips, beneath the well worn cotton of her t-shirt, pressing hotly against the skin of her lower back. She feels the blunt press of his nails graze her sides as he tugs her as close as he possibly can.

“I need to know what you want, Camille,” he says, and it comes out as desperate as Cam feels right now.

She tugs on his hair, trying to get his mouth back to hers. “Nicky—”

“You gotta tell me you’re gonna stay,” he evades her, pulling back enough so that their eyes meet. “I’m serious. Say the word now and I’ll make sure you’ve got a ticket back home if you want it.”

“Don’t you get it by now? You are my home.”

Nicholas groans and kisses her again, teeth knocking against hers briefly before he pulls back just enough and she’s pretty sure that even if she actually wanted to, she can’t leave now. The kiss is tinged with a little bit of bittersweet feeling, because she could have had this months ago, had she not been so fucking stubborn. He pulls away just as she's needing to breathe, and his mouth wanders from hers down across her jaw and over to her neck. A breathy whine escapes her and she gives his hair another demanding tug.

The knock on the hotel room door startles them both. They pull apart and stare at the door as if it’s a foreign concept to them, before Nicholas realizes that it’s their food. Cam scoots back on the bed as he gets up, and she drags her hands through her hair, trying to get her heartbeat back under control. She watches as he opens the door, and she sees Matt on the other side.

“Good afternoon, children.” he greets, holding out a bag of food. “Getting along nicely, I see.”

Even Cam can see from her spot on the bed that Nicholas’ lips were red and a little swollen. She’s sure she’s no better off. But she still wiggles her fingers at Matt in a wave, before escaping to the bathroom. It might be a little dramatic, but she pushes the door closed and leans against it, touching her bottom lip and giggling to herself. It almost doesn’t feel real, but when she looks at her disheveled appearance in the bathroom mirror, it’s obvious. She fights to keep the dopey smile off of her face.

By the time she emerges, Matt is gone and Nicholas has straightened the bed, food containers on the duvet and one of the Star Wars movies playing on the television. They’ve been in this exact same position before back at home so many times that it makes Cam’s heart ache in a not entirely unpleasant way. Date nights, movie nights with the other guys. She didn’t think she’d have this again. She sits down beside him, automatically reaching for what she hopes is her food. She’s just opened the container of fries when Nicholas swoops in, snatching a few.

“Hey!” she laughs, twisting away with the container. “Just because I let you kiss me does not mean you get to steal my food.”

He smirks at her, popping the fries in his mouth. “Okay, Camille.”

She leans back into the space beside him, putting her attention on her food and the movie. That ache in her heart transforms to something more familiar and comfortable, and she rests her shoulder against his. This was something she’d wanted back more than anything, not just the feeling of Nicholas’ hands on her, or the taste of him on her tongue, but this. Just being here with him like this.

It’s everything.

Cam isn’t sure exactly what wakes her up. It takes a few moments for her eyes to adjust, and she can see the red glow of the cheap motel clock on the nightstand. The numbers are blinking and then she hears the wind and the rain. Lightning flashes on the other side of the curtains, and thunder rattles the windows. Another harsh storm, one that had obviously knocked out the power at one point. Tucked beneath the safety of Nicholas’ arm and the blankets, Cam reaches for her cell phone to check the time. It’s not even three yet.

But now that the storm has woken her, she’s awake in a wired way that she doesn’t think she can shake. Nicholas is still sleeping soundly behind her, so she tries to avoid tossing and turning. But she rolls over onto her side to face him, and immediately his hand tightens on her hip, pulling her closer. He lets out a sleepy noise, and Cam holds her breath. She doesn’t want to wake him, but the longer she stares at him, the more he comes into focus as the room isn’t entirely dark. Every spark of lightning illuminates him more; the way some of his hair falls over his face, the stretched out collar of his t-shirt. The dark smudges of the tattoos on his fingers where they rest curled against the pillow above his head.

She doesn’t realize at first that he’s not asleep anymore, not until the next flash of lightning when she can see him watching her sleepily.

“I missed this,” he says.

Cam brushes his hair from his face. “Me watching you like a creeper in the middle of the night?”

“You being the first thing I see when I open my eyes.”

If it weren’t the middle of the night, if it weren’t him saying it, she’d think it was ridiculously cliche. Instead, she nudges her nose against his and kisses him. What starts off as something soft and sweet quickly morphs into something else entirely. That wired feeling she has becomes nothing but need for him. Nicholas is obviously on the same page, he grasps her hips and pulls her up until she’s straddling his waist. Cam gets her fingers in his sleep mussed hair, tugging just a little bit to draw him even closer, and Nicholas groans needily. She chases the noise with her tongue, licking into his mouth with a single-minded determination. It’s almost unbearable how much she feels for him at this moment, and she tries desperately to pour it all into her kiss.

Outside, the rain starts to die down. Finally they pull apart, foreheads resting together as they struggle to breathe. Nicholas wraps his fingers around her wrist, and he brings Cam’s hand up to his face. He kisses her palm once, then again before slowly trailing his mouth across her forearm, over ink that he put there years ago. She presses her face into his chest, trying to remember how to breathe and failing, feeling a sharp throb between her thighs. His other hand slid down her back, over the curve of her hip, pulling her body flush against his.

“Is this okay?” he asks, pressing his mouth against the curve of her shoulder, and she can feel the heat of his breath through the fabric of her shirt. “I need you to say—”

“Nicky,” she gasps, looking up at him. “I love you for asking, but this is very much okay.”

He lets out a choked off noise that she doesn’t have time to enjoy before he’s rolling them, flipping her beneath his body and tugging at her clothes insistently. She manages to get her hands between them, shoving at the waistband of his sweats with her own impatience. For a few moments it’s nothing but a tangle of limbs and clothes, and breathless laughter. She gets his sweatpants and boxers halfway down his thighs, wrapping a hand around his cock and stroking him slowly. He retaliates by leaving her shirt hanging off of one of her arms, curling over her and dips his head to suck one of her nipples into his mouth. Her back arches off the bed, her grasp on him loosening as she manages to wriggle out of the rest of her clothes, and she lets out a moan that only grows louder as he flicks his tongue back and forth.

He moves his mouth to her other breast, letting his teeth scrape over it before he lifts up to kiss her. A needy whine falls from his mouth into hers as she gives the base of his cock a squeeze, using her feet to shove his pants down the rest of the way.

“Would it be vain of me to say I missed this too?” she asks.

Nicholas lets out a breathy laugh, pulling back to look into her eyes. “Say it again.”

“What?” her brow furrows and she smirks. “That I missed your dick? Because I can tell you right now—”

His intense stare causes a fresh rush of want to hit her full force. It might have been embarrassing if not for their current situation. His hand cups her jaw, thumb pressing against her bottom lip. She fights the urge to open her mouth and pull the digit inside.

“Say that you love me, Camille.”

She thinks about uttering the words only hours ago, telling him that it was inevitable, her being in love with him, him saying that he was in love with her too. All she can think about is how much she loves him, how she needs him. How she wants him, right here and now in this motel in middle of nowhere, Wyoming in the middle of the night with the rain pouring down outside.

Cam must have said some of that out loud, because the next thing she knows his mouth is on hers again and he finally snakes a hand between her legs, touching her for the first time in months. No one else has touched her in months. His fingers are lithe and strong as they go right to her clit, circling mercilessly before dipping inside of her. She can practically hear how wet she is over her own breathing as she grasps his shoulders and arches up into his touch.

But just as soon as he’s started touching her, he pulls away. Her eyes fly open and a noise of protest falls from her mouth before he’s grabbing her hips and pulling her further down the bed beneath him. He kneels between her thighs, pulling her legs over his, and she watches avidly as he impatiently slides his cock between her folds.

“Please tell me you still have your IUD?”

Cam nods, and that’s all the permission he needs before he sinks inside of her. She doesn’t care if he’s been with anyone else since her, he’s with her now. The second he’s fully inside, they both go still, just staring into each other’s eyes. It’s impossible for it to be true, but immediately the ache that she’s been feeling for the past few months seems to disappear. No one could ever make her feel like this. She clings to him, pulling his mouth to hers and petting her fingers through his hair.

“God, I missed being inside of you,” Nicholas murmurs, nose nudging against her cheek. “Are you okay, can I move?”

Him asking permission unravels something in her chest. “Yes, yeah, Nicky―”

His hips roll against hers and he groans softly into her shoulder. Cam presses a kiss to his forehead, urging him on. She feels his calloused fingertips caress her thigh before wrapping around her knee, hitching it further up his ribcage. Pulling out almost completely, he thrusts back in deep and hard, and she quickly braces a hand against the headboard to keep from moving up the bed.

"Don't stop," she begs, and he takes her at her word.

She doesn't want him holding back with her, and he doesn't. His soft kisses and touches betrayed the rough way he took her body, but Cam doesn't want him to stop. She holds on to him tightly, nails scoring deep marks in his arms and her teeth leaving behind imprints on his chest. One of his hands tangles with hers against the headboard, and the other stays permanently curled around the nape of her neck, his eyes never leaving hers.

“Say it again,” he demands, each word punctuated by a roll of his hips. “C’mon, Camille, be a good girl and tell me.”

He knows what it does to her, hearing him call her that, even after this much time. It takes her more than one try to get the words out, but they fall between them nonetheless and once she stops talking she can’t seem to stop, “I love you Nicholas, so much. I never stopped—”

Her words are cut off when he reaches down between their bodies to tease his fingers over her clit, and her eyes roll back in her head. His breathless laughter echoes in her ear before she feels him bury his face against her shoulder, teeth scraping over her skin. She’s going to look as if she were mauled by morning, and she can’t bring herself to care.

Cam isn’t sure which one of them comes first, too lost in the euphoric feelings coursing through her. Afterwards, they cling to each other, trying to catch their breath without straying too far from each other. Nicholas rests his head on her chest, watching her through his sweat-dampened hair. She traces her fingers over the bridge of his nose, the curve of his cheek. She knows eventually, they’ll have to move and clean up. She knows they’ll have to talk about what happens now, with a few weeks left on the tour and her having to get back home for work.

They’ll figure it out, but it doesn’t need to be right this minute.

Opening the back door of the rental car, Cam tosses her duffel in the backseat. Across the parking lot, the van meant to take the band back to the bus is idling, Jolly behind the wheel. Her flight back home arrived a lot sooner than she thought it would. She closes the door and turns to look at Nicholas, who looks more rested than when she arrived. The corner of his mouth tilts up in a smile and she can’t help but return it.

They’d come up with the most obvious solution, she’d go back home and she’d be there when he made it home from the tour. As soon as she left the airport, she’d pick up his cats from his sister’s and stay at his place. It was something he was adamant about; he wanted her there when he got home, and she wouldn’t refuse him.

Stepping closer to her, Nicholas put his hand against the car and leaned in to kiss her softly. She curled her fingers in the sides of his jacket, holding on to him until Jolly honked the horn. They break apart with a laugh, and look towards where the rest of his band is waiting.

“You gotta go,” she tugs on his jacket and pulls him in again. She pecks him on the lips again. “Drive safe.”

“You too. You’ll text me when you get in?” he asks, brushing her hair back from her face.”

“I will even send you pictures of the cats as proof of life.”

They drift back together a third time, unable to help it. She wishes she’d thought to get more time off work before coming out here but she didn’t know how this was going to go. Jolly honks the horn a second time and she hears one of them wolf whistling at them. Nicholas flips them off before reluctantly letting her go.

“I’ll see you in two weeks,” he says. “I love you.”

Cam shoves her hands into the pocket of her hoodie—Nicholas’ hoodie she’d taken long ago—so she doesn’t pull him back again. “I love you too.”

She watches him walk across the parking lot, eventually opening the passenger seat and getting in. She waves them off, and they all wave and shout goodbyes to her. It was only fourteen days, she could do that. She’d gone months without him, and now that she has him back, two weeks felt like nothing. She doesn’t get behind the wheel to leave until the van is long out of sight.

Starting the car, she drives the opposite way as it begins to rain again.

#nicholas ruffilo x ofc #nicholas ruffilo fanfiction #nicholas ruffilo fanfic #nicholas ruffilo fic #.ficbysitkowski #bad omens fanfiction #bad omens fanfic #bad omens fic

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anamericangirl · 1 month ago

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What’s a good reason to not take my own life? I’ve been feeling this way for years. Been to multiple treatment programs. Seen by several different therapists. Anti-depressants. I frequently go outdoors to exercise. Try to fill up my life with being optimistic about my (admittedly nice) job, hobbies, travel, and volunteering. And yet I’m still no better than I was 5 years ago and I have no hope about a happy future. “Your family will miss you.” Ok, and? I think it’s selfish to tell people in pain to continue living like that because some people might temporarily feel sad. They’ll eventually move on. My friends too, especially the ones who are happily married “to their best friends” and having babies and are so happy that they forget I exist.

Hey anon I hope I am not too late! I am just getting out of a hurricane and was without internet access for several days so i apologize for the delay.

But there are so many reasons not to take your own life. In fact, I can’t think of a single reason why you should.

I know it’s tough right now and trust me, I know that depression makes it all feel pointless and worthless and can plague you for years but even though if feels like forever I promise you these feelings and this depression and your circumstances are TEMPORARY. And it would be a tragedy for you to take your life over temporary circumstances and not see what is possible on the other side.

Yes your family and friends will miss you but you should stay because your life has purpose and meaning! Therapy and anti-depressants are good and I’m glad you’ve been trying those things because that means you don’t actually want to die - you just want the pain to stop. And that’s completely understandable and also manageable!

It’s great that you’ve been continuing to exercise and do volunteer work because those things can definitely impact your mood, but they aren’t the source of true joy, peace and happiness. Now I’m a Christian so I’m sure it won’t surprise you for me to say this, but what you are looking for and what you need can only come from God. I urge you to put your faith and trust in him and give him your burdens.

The devil has a hold on you right now, don’t let him win!

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” - John 10:10

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” - psalm 55:22

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.” - psalm 34:18-19

But now that I’ve gone on my spiel, here are some reasons I think it’s good to keep living. Not all my original thoughts but ones i agree with.

1. You matter

2. No one else is you.

3. Your younger self

4. Your next favorite song.

5. Warm blankets.

6. Thunderstorms

7. The fact that you’re in control of your future.

8. Experiencing new cultures.

9. Making new friends.

10. Road trips.

11. Sunsets and sunrises.

12. Reading good books.

13. Learning a new language.

14. Adopting a pet.

15. Fresh baked bread and cookies.

16. Getting packages in the mail.

17. Autumn.

18. Pumpkin spice.

19. Drinking coffee in the morning.

20. Beaches and being able to sink your toes into the sand.

21. Stepping on crunchy leaves.

22. Recovery.

23. Falling in love.

24. Rain.

25. Petting puppies and kittens.

26. Drinking water.

27. Trying something new and loving it.

28. Your favorite artist putting out new music.

29. A new season on your favorite TV show.

30. Planting a garden and growing your own vegetables.

31. Farmers Markets.

32. Trying out the newest local coffee shop or restaurant.

33. Karaoke

34. All of the people you have yet to meet.

35. Horseback riding

36. Stars.

37. Ice cream.

38. Ice tea.

39. Scented candles.

40. Learning something new.

41. Museums.

42. Going to the movies.

43. Hearing your favorite song come on the radio.

44. Learning to make a new recipe.

45. Your life is precious.

46. You are enough.

47. Random acts of kindness.

48. God looked at the world and thought it needed you.

49. Your story could save someone else.

50. Looking back on this time in 10 years and realizing you made it.

There’s an endless amount of reasons to stay alive and I hope some of them resonate with you.

But if you are desperate please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline at 988. If you are outside the US then you can find the number for your location here.

Please know that I am praying for you and please reach out to me again if you want to. I would love to keep up with how you are doing 💜

#anon #answered

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vanyzvat · 21 days ago

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My... Kinda controversial takes on Alien Stage Round 7 (+ Some silly theories)

(I was disappointed ☹️ Don't get me wrong, the visual storytelling, and just visuals overall were gorgeous! The song was amazing as always, too. But it just... Didn't feel like a satisfying Round at all.)

(By the way if you are genuinely angered by my take, just block me, do not interact with me)

I'm not generally a fan of stories that build up an insanely intricate world, with insanely intricate character arcs, get your hopes up, get you attached to said characters and get you rooting for them, and then the story just... Never delivers??? There's no satisfying conclusion for the characters, they just?? Die?? Like... Really? 😐

Like... What's even gonna be next?

Hyuna is back on that stage, everything she has built was for nothing,

Mizi and her are probably going to be put against one another by force.

And what are they even supposed to do? Surrender and die? Of course not, they're going to fight, and I assume Hyuna is going to die (Which would be a completely pointless death, in my honest opinion), and then Mizi is gonna have to "carry on her legacy" or some bullcrap like that 💀

Or, Mizi dies (Which would also be another pointless death), and then Hyuna is put back on the show by force, and has to fight Luka. Which I honestly feel isn't that far fetched of a theory?

The fact that Till never gave a single flying fuck about Ivan, while he died trying to keep him alive, only to just become a bad memory to Till while he continues thinking of Mizi who he has idolized to hell and back, never once getting to realize just how much she has changed since the last time he saw her.

Till died delusional. He never got to meet the real Mizi, he never got to see how this place has truly affected her. And Mizi, on the other hand, saw Till die, never once learning just how deep his borderline obsession with her was.

Alien Stage is brilliant, but seeing the direction it has taken with the latest round, it no longer feels fit for me personally.

I would've preferred an alternative ending, in which Till is able to turn things around at the sight of Mizi, and instead, Luka gets to be the one who's afraid.

I feel that would've been more satisfying than just having Luka win because... Idk because Till just had to die I guess lmaooo??

This might just be me being pessimistic, but I can't really,,, think of a way for this series to wrap up in a way that's satisfying and not just sad for the sake of being sad? Unless they truly somehow bring Till (And maybe Ivan) back like some people have been theorizing, which... I honestly doubt will happen.

The idea that Till was heavily drugged during Round 6-7, and that he was actually just being used as a pawn to bring out the rebels during Round 7, with said alleged drugs being what will somehow keep him alive does sound cool in theory, but I feel that's just the Fandom being optimistic like with the "Ivan is alive" theories.

I feel Hyuna will be forced to have the long lost ROUND 4 with Luka, after having to battle Mizi.

I truly, truly hope that you are all by some miracle right about Till (And maybe Ivan, but I genuinely doubt it) being alive, and that somehow, Alien Stage will manage to subvert my expectations.

Hopefully, when the series concludes I'll be able to look back on this and laugh due to how wrong I was, and I'll say that Alien Stage is truly peak

#alien stage #alnst #alien stage theory

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lorei-writes · 2 months ago

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... Just some ramblings.

It happened several times that I've been told that I'm an optimist or an otherwise very positive person. There are certain things I don't complain about much, which I presume can give off the wrong idea that nothing goes too askew in my life. In that case, not despairing would be easy.

But that's not real. The time I spent being bedridden in 2022 & 2023 combined exceeds half a year. My day starts with 10+ pills. I've had to start the same degree three times now, despite never failing any exam. I got discarded on the basis of being ill. The list goes on -- I struggle like most people do... And I don't dislike my life. I enjoy being alive, even though some days I wonder why.

[Directed more so at myself than anybody else -- I wanted to organise them in my head a little, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to share it either.]

>> Contentment is everywhere. Enjoy the smallest things.

At one point it felt like settling for less, but now I think that was rather misguided. It's increasing your sensitivity to pleasure more than anything. It can help you stay present in the moment.

I can't have many treats, but I can still drink black tea. The feeling of the hot mug against my hands, the texture of the ceramic. The smell of the tea. Its taste. Being warmed from the inside. The way the loose leafs float in the water... Previously I'd just overlook it, but now it's more pleasurable than any cakes I would have had it with before.

It isn't to say that cakes don't taste good anymore. They're something "extra"... and now I just don't need that "extra" to be content.

>> Your life is the only one you have.

Wondering about "what ifs" is a waste of energy. You live only in the present and cannot rewrite your past. You can know a lot of answers to your "whys", but... if you don't live, don't move on, does that change much?

I cried about things being unfair, but that never made them fair. It's a pointless effort. The reality still is that I have to deal with a certain set of limitations (and a certain set of advantages), and that I can only try my best to work with that.

>> Humour helps. Not the self-depreciating one.

Some days you need to cry, and then, by all means, cry. Some things you may never want to laugh about... But some? Meh. They become so mundane they get funny, and at the end of the day, laughter's good for you. There are no brownie points for always being serious.

(I shall not talk about shitting with ghosts.)

>> Bitter? In tears? Live through it.

Putting on a front doesn't do anybody any favours. We're only humans. If you feel bitter or sad about something, you are bitter or sad about it. Allowing yourself to experience the negative emotion is... fine. I'd say it's only reasonable to sit with it and let it wash over you -- without spiralling and going into negative "nothing is ever going to be okay, everybody is bad, that person is rotten, yada yada" loops. Sometimes you just need to observe the mind.

>> Nobody can predict the future.

When everything goes askew, it is tempting to say that things will always be this way. Our brains like patterns. They love searching for them... at the same time, they're full of biases and a couple years hardly define the entire rest of your life. Things can fall apart in a week. They can also be brought back together... and ultimately, when you live in the future, you forget about the present, which is the only time you really have.

>> Nobody thinks about you as much as you do. In most cases it's not malice, it's just ignorance. (And everybody will be guilty of this.)

>> Everybody has hard days.

>> The you of today lives only today. Make the most use out of your time. Anticipate the internal reward you will get.

Do you have to start studying early for your exam? No. But... Think about the you from the future. Will they be happy to be able to just revise on the day before it? Or would you rather leave them with still having to work through a portion of the material? It may seem it's all "you", but "you" of today is not living with the same consequences as the "you" of tomorrow or two months from now. Help the "you" from the future! Anticipate the feeling of relief you'll get then! It's a team effort!

Lorei of the good days is constantly working so that Lorei of the bad days can be at ease.

>> Agency matters.

There are things that are outside of your control. Sometimes I can't sit up by myself. It's frustrating. However, I can also pick what book I'm going to read next, I can choose to take my medicine on time, I can choose to continue on studying. No matter how insignificant it seems, there's always a choice I can make, even if it's something as small as choosing to eat even though it hurts.

Some things I can't control. I'm not giving away the choices that are in my hands.

>> You control only yourself and your reactions.

Don't give power to other people. It's impossible to control how they feel or what they think about you. It's impossible to make people stay. It's all up to them, and yes, sometimes they will be hurtful, sometimes you will be misjudged. But whether you care about that is only up to you.

>> Forgive, but don't forget.

Holding onto grudges and feeding old emotion only wastes energy. Letting those control me or influence my actions would only give away the power I have. I can choose to move on and to be unaffected. And I can choose not to allow somebody close again, even though I don't feel anything about them.

>> You are not entitled to the consequences of your actions.

You can work your ass off and it can still not pay off. The only thing you can affect is what's within your grasp -- as such, worrying about outcomes becomes irrelevant.

>> One goal at a time. (Even if you have multiple of them: if you're working on thing A, you're working on thing A only.)

Separate goals within your mind. The more things you have to do and the more you mix them, the lower the satisfaction from progressing any of them.

>> If you're in pain and can't avoid it, accept it and feel it.

I can't take painkillers. Avoidance of inevitable pain only prolongs it. It's easier to take it when I accept it as bad as it is, and let it go through my system.

>> You may not be ready to do something. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

>> Learn to fail. Failure is a feedback.

>> Discomfort is not danger.

It is good to learn to sit with your discomfort. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable makes learning, conflict resolution, and growth overall easier. You then don't have to appease emotion.

>> The self is fluid. Don't cling.

We all change. We're not marketable products with branding. Let yourself change... and even if you're stripped from all the things you've thought you were, it's not as scary. You are more than them.

There was a time when I was neither dexterous, nor smart, nor hard-working, nor useful, all against my will. I was none of the things I'd previously call myself... But I still was. It's not as scary to lose any of them anymore. I just am and that's enough.

>> Try to understand. You don't have to agree, but try to understand.

>> Be wary of your own arrogance. Don't assume you're absolved of ignorance.

>> You have more to give than you realise. And honestly? Giving to the right people is awesome.

... and there could be a couple more, but I've rambled my heart out, so I'm good now.

#rambling #personal

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kiruamon · 5 months ago

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Spring through the Seasons AU - From winter back to spring

Next part of the AU. Pretty much Y/N having found a new companion in Moon. And them doing some backtracking through Moon's and Y/N's own home territory. (Like the times before: Sketches are found in between the text. Just saying in case that some of you are only here for the art and not the story which is also completely fine.)

The night was over. And with it, the raging of the snowstorm. Once again, the landscape lay untouched before your eyes as you step out of the cave into the bright light of the morning sun allowing your eyes to adjust to the brilliant white of the snow. Behind you, the snow crunches under Moon's boots as he walks to your side. Your gaze remains fixed straight ahead, roaming over the landscape. "Have you thought about what you want to do now?" you hear him ask with his calm voice. You realize that he wants to know whether he should lead you to the border in the north despite his warning or not. Of course you would like to get to your destination as quickly as possible, but… what's it worth putting yourself in pointless danger when there could be another way? "I… will take your advice to heart and go back to my home. After that, I'll try to travel further east. Maybe I'll find a way there," you answer him with a wry smile. Despite the minor setback, you haven't given up yet. You notice how the three wolves step out of the cave. They shake themselves under the rays of the sun as if to drive the last remnants of drowsiness from their bones. Then they pass the two of you, casting only a quick glance back at you before running off into the vastness of the plain and through the freshly fallen snow. You look after them with a smile, hoping to see them again one day.

Moon remains silent. And you simply allow yourself to lose yourself for a while in this moment. The mixture of cold air and warm sunbeams on your skin feels vitalizing. It's as if your senses are hyper-aware of everything, like the sound of the piled-up snow collapsing and falling to the ground from the heavy, low-hanging branches. Even standing here side by side with someone you feel connected to in a way you can't quite put into words yet. But for how much longer? What will become of Moon when you take your way home? "I will accompany you," he suddenly says, as if he has managed to read your thoughts. You look up and blink at him in surprise. "You… are coming with me?" "Someone has to make sure nothing happens to you." There is a reserved lightheartedness in his voice as he utters these words. "I-I can definitely take care of myself," you say, puffing out your cheeks a little, but honestly you're more than happy to hear his words and your vines bob up and down in a treacherously cheerful manner as you try not to grin too much. Moon seems to notice the little motion that betrays the tone of your voice, as the corners of his mouth twitch slightly upwards. "I'd still be more at ease if I knew you wouldn't freeze into an ice pillar while you try to get back home on your own." You giggle a little at his jest, which he says half-joking and half-serious. "Thanks Moon," you appreciate his offer. Very much actually. Somehow you had even hoped that you wouldn't have to say goodbye to each other so soon. To find Moon and be able to talk to him had made you realize how lonely your previous life had been, even though you had never thought of it that way before. "Do you know which way we have to go? Honestly, after that… Snowstorm? That's what you called it, right?" He nods with amusement at you. Okay. Good. Snowstorm. "Well, I'm afraid I don't really have a clue where we are after yesterday."

He laughs softly. "I know where we are. And also the direction we need to go," his voice sounds kind-hearted as he says this. The feeling of being able to rely on someone is reassuring and makes you feel more optimistic about your upcoming journey.

"Ooooh!" You pause as you notice the icicles sparkling in the sunlight on the branch of a tree. They glisten almost like the clear water of the lake when the rays of the midday sun dance across the small ripples. "They look even prettier in the sunlight." "Is this really your first time seeing something like this?" "Mhm. There's nothing like this where I come from. No snow and no ice either." Maybe that's why you find it so hard to get tired of looking at all these things. Moon certainly doesn't seem to mind. He patiently answers all your questions as you walk through his kingdom together. You were surprised to learn that ice was just another form of water. That it froze due to the cold in these lands and sometimes melted on days when the sun shone a little warmer than usual. Thaw, which could make the snow become more soggy. But at the moment it was more powdery, like the fine dust of flowers. It was simply gorgeous. And being able to look at these things together with Moon instead of doing so alone only made the whole experience more exciting. "When we reach the border and my home, there's so much I have to show you!" you say with a smile as you turn your gaze away from the icicles to look at him. You can't wait. Will he like your home? Will you be able to surprise him as much as he did with all his amazing knowledge of this icy land? It… would just be nice to make him smile more. Not to mention how much you would like to repay him for his help. He tilts his head a little and the hint of a smile steals its way into his uniquely colored eyes. His gaze rests gently and in an almost warm way on you as he replies: "I'm looking forward to it."

The world is changing. The masses of snow become more shallow. The further you walk, the less your steps sink into the snow. The more green blades of grass emerge from underneath it until they cover the whole ground in front of you. You have reached the border to your homeland. "We're here," you shout cheerfully, stepping with glee out of the cold masses of snow and onto the meadow in front of you. You turn and look at Moon, who has paused. He looks at the unfamiliar landscape before him as if he were frozen into ice.

A new world opened up before him. Completely different from the icy wilds of his realm. The cold beauty that snow and ice brought with them was familiar to him. The sparkle of ice in the sunlight. The glistening frost that clung to rocks or the bark of trees. Fir trees whose branches bent under the weight of the snow.

But this… This ocean of green blades of grass covering the ground is unlike anything he had ever seen before. The mild spring breeze makes the grass bob up and down playfully as if it was fondly ruffling the fur of an animal. Colorful flowers whose names he didn't know brought even more color to the blossoming landscape with their vibrant petals. The bushes and trees are no longer bare, frozen constructs and instead unfurl delicate sprouts and leaves that sway in the wind. Even the wind is different here. He can feel it blowing mildly and gentle under his hood and against his face. For a while, he simply stays still as he takes in the sight of your homeland and tries to understand what he is feeling.

The way Moon stands there with his eyes wide open, looking at the landscape in front of him, brings a small smile to your face. Yes, you felt the same way when you reached the border of your realms for the first time. But… unlike you, Moon is not alone at this foreign place. Just as he was there for you in his realm, you will now be there for him. To be his guide. "Moon? Are you coming?" "…" "Yes… Yes, I'm coming." Your voice grounds him. Gives him something familiar to hold on to in a world that is so completely different from what he has known so far. With his back to his own realm and this strange landscape in front of him, he slowly understands how you must have felt when you stood in this place and decided to move on. He takes a deep breath as he slowly lifts his boots and places them on the green-covered ground. Yes, he will follow you. He wants to join you on this journey. The feeling being accompanied by a silent wish that your shared time will last a little longer. It stays hidden deep in his heart as he dares not to express it out loud to you. Because… last night he wasn't completely honest with you.

It wasn't that he had lied to you. The cliff, the unstable weather near the border of the realm you want to visit, it was all very real. The fact that he didn't know where the passage lay that the animals used was also true. But… the passage was not the only way that would have taken you to your destination. It would have been impossible for you alone, but with his help you could have reached your destination quickly and fairly easy. And yet he had decided against telling you about it. Because… as incomprehensible as it was to him, he didn't wanted to say goodbye to you just yet.

He just wanted to spend a little more time with you. To be by your side and learn what the world looked like through your eyes. A little detour would certainly not hurt anyone. And even if the path was blocked at one of the other borders, he would make sure to bring you safely to your destination in his own way.

_ Side by side, you have left the border between your two territories behind you. All signs of snow and frost are gone. The trees and plants flourish in the gentle rays of sunlight. Bathing in its warm embrace. The further you travel along, the more the landscape starts to blossom. Young shrubs with green branches and the first delicate leaves nestle in the shade of the trees, which do not yet have their full crowns of leaves.

Instead, some of them bear buds that are on the verge of opening. "Moon! Look! The blossoms over there look almost like snow, don't they?" You grab his hand without thinking about it. You can feel his cold fingertips on your warm skin, but you don't let go and instead lead him with eager and excited steps to a large tree in the middle of the meadow. Apart from a few closed buds, its branches are covered over and over in delicate white blossoms. The wind rustles gently through the branches of the old cherry tree. And scattered petals fall from it to the ground like the snowflakes you saw in Moon's realm. "It looks so nice, doesn't it?" You turn to him with a broad smile and see him gazing upwards with a mixture of fascination and wonder.

He wasn't sure what took his breath away more. Whether it was the warmth of your touch that made his heart beat so fast or the sight of the white flowers floating to the ground like snowflakes. Both seemed to make his heart go faster in his chest. The way you stand in front of him. Beaming with joy and surrounded by the falling blossoms… He can't name the feeling it evokes in him. All he knows is that he doesn't dislike it. That it makes him want to see this endearing little smile of yours even more often.

"Yes, it's really… beautiful," you hear Moon say as his multi-colored eyes rest on you with an almost tender expression. You even think you can hear a little laugh lurking in his voice. He probably thinks you're a bit childish because you're so easily excited. But you don't mind. After all, you finally have the chance to share all these great things with someone. So how could you not feel so happy? Therefore, you don't even try to keep the smile off your face. Gently, you let go of Moon's hand and hold your hands out in front of you, both palms facing up. "Come on, let's see which of us catches one faster," you suggest in a playful mood. This time you're quite sure you heard a small chuckle coming from Moon. "A challenge… Well, in that case I can hardly refuse."

_ "So, what do you think? Did you like what you've seen so far?" It did. More than you probably would realize. Your eyes may still be resting on the flowers swaying in the wind around you. But Moon's eyes, on the other hand, are completely on you. Attracted by the joyful sparkle in them that always appears as soon as you see something you love with all your heart. "This land is truly unlike anything I've ever seen. Unique and full of wonders … just like the one who inhabits it… ", Moon's words are so quiet towards the end that you can't really make out the last part of it. But you are still overjoyed to hear that the place you call your home has become so dear to him as well.

Bonus that isn't part of the main story (or at least this won't happen until after meeting Sun and Eclipse):

As careful as always when he touches you, Moon takes your hands in his. Cold and warmth meet each other in that moment and send a tingling sensation through both of your skin. His fingertips are cool, while yours are warm. And yet you can see the warmth in his eyes as soon as his gaze rests on you. Just like now. "Moon? What are-" "Let's dance." Dance? Your cheeks suddenly feel like they're burning with heat, and it continues to spread to the tips of your ears like a wildfire. Some of the little buds on your vines begin to blossom as they move closer to Moon, as if he were the sun they crave for its soothing warmth. He laughs softly. Your reaction only seems to delight him more. "There's no need to be so nervous, little Snowflake." You should be feeling cold to be so close to him, but somehow Moon manages it that you only feel warmer and warmer. "Do you trust me?" he asks in a hushed voice. You already know the answer to this question. "Yes. I trust you." With all your heart. You know you're in good hands with him. "Then let us have some fun," he says with such a tender smile. A smile so gentle that it makes your heart flutter so excitedly in your chest as if it were a little fledgling taking its first flight. Your fingers clasp around Moon's a little more and you allow him to lead you. Your first dance together may be awkward, the steps clumsy and wobbly, but neither of you cares. Not as long as you have each other. Another cherished memory that you will keep in your heart forever.

TBC

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kalinara · 2 months ago

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So, I saw someone else's post pointing out the weird inconsistency with the way the Uncanny X-Team and the regular X-Team interact. How it starts out fairly pleasant but then, kind of out of the blue, the Uncanny team starts acting really hostile toward Scott and his team.

(Including a really nasty comment from Logan, and it's like, dude, weren't you fucking on the Moon, not that long ago?)

Meanwhile, on Scott's end of things, he's basically being polite, civil, and trying to adjust his plans to accommodate them.

I don't disagree with that post at all, but I didn't want to hijack it with my own thoughts, so this is my little bit of meta.

I admit, I've not caught up on a lot of the Krakoa stuff yet, but I definitely agree that this is inconsistent with the dynamics that I saw in those issues.

But it is definitely consistent with everything BEFORE Krakoa. And bizarrely, that makes me a bit optimistic. I remember, a long time ago, writing this rant about how consistently inconsistent the in universe treatment of Scott Summers was prior to his death. How everyone, under the pen of multiple authors, in multiple lines, seemed to fairly consistently believe the worst of him when his behavior would be completely opposite to their expectation.

I said then that it really did seem like it's building somewhere. And I'm cautiously thinking that it might still be. Rosenberg's X-Men, which I enjoyed very much despite its general pre-Krakoa bleakness, started out with Scott and Logan in a surprisingly okay place but things seemed to fall apart pretty dramatically and for not a lot of reason.

And honestly, I still can't quite get over Jono basically telling Scott that he hated him while he died. That was intense and singularly horrible.

But then everyone reunited and we pretty much got Krakoa right after that, and everything was different and good and bad and fucked up in all sorts of brand new ways. And I figured, okay, I was wrong, it really wasn't going anywhere. It was just weirdness that, if it ever had meant something, doesn't apply now.

But we're back to basics. We're back to the old patterns. We're back to Wolverine and whatever team represents the school and the "Xavier style" of mutant ideology against Scott's black ops "Magneto style" aggressive protection. And again, we have a Scott who doesn't seem to buy into that conflict while everyone around him does.

I had a theory briefly that the sheer irrational reaction of everyone around him was because Scott, as the Phoenix, right after killing Xavier, somehow mind-whammied the world to feel exactly what he did: a deep love and idealization for Charles Xavier that, while occasionally disappointed, never truly faltered, and a deep and complete loathing of one Scott Summers.

I still think that theory works, and might well explain why no one seems to remember that they were pretty fucking mad at Xavier at the end of the Krakoa stuff (with Logan actually trying to kill him.)

The other theory I have is simpler though, which is that Scott ends up being the focal point for all of his fellows grief, despair, and helpless, pointless anger because they think he can handle it.

If Charles Xavier is the spirit of the Dream, then Scott Summers is the embodiment of the X-Men. (I think there's even a point in one of the Captain Krakoa issues where we're told that "I am the X-Men" was basically his campaign speech at one of the Hellfire Galas). And as such, he's always going to be there: strong, implacable, steadfast and invulnerable to whatever they send his way.

And that leads to something really interesting, because as we've seen in X-Men #3. He's NOT. And that's not really surprising, it's not like Scott has ever been a paragon of good mental health. But the panic attack is new. And assuming that it's actually a panic attack and not some indicator of possession or powers going out of control or something, then it's a vulnerability that he might not be able to hide.

And that makes me think we might, FINALLY, see an actual resolution to this decades long thread.

And if not, well, if I didn't enjoy watching Scott Summers suffer, I wouldn't be reading X-Men comics.

(Also, Jean's actually alive now. She's in space at the moment, IIRC, but I really don't think she's going to tolerate this bullshit for too much longer, if and when she finally notices it happening.)

#scott summers #cyclops #spoilers for X-Men 3 #meta and theorizing #possibly unwarranted optimism #but there might be some really good fics that are inspired by this stuff too

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moash · 7 months ago

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hello don't mind me i was just mass liking your posts! i hope you're having a great day i hope you don't mind this ramble but i feel you'd understand :)

so basically i've had a super long .... beef with the series so far about how it's handling racism/classism and their roles in the story so i was like hey, let me do a little fix it project! because after reading OB i was just disappointed with how it handled kaladin's arc (he's my favorite so i want to see him done justice) but also moash's arc.

anyway, i was rereading parts of WOR to get the details right, and re-reading Moash talk about what happened to his family and how he just returned and they were all gone BROKE MY HEARTTTT. i also noticed how he was so ready to put in the work during training to get good at using swords and shardblades. like he had CONVICTION to succeed and i loved that about him.

so moash literally went from a character i didn't mind on my first read to becoming one of my favorites and now i just get so upset thinking about like how the series is painting him so far. i bring this up because i was like dang, if i'm this pressed about it, i can't imagine tumblr-user-moash's feelings about it. anyway here's to hoping that SA5 does him justice. also moash for bondsmith is brilliant. also thank you for defending him 😌 sorry if this is repetitive but do you feel optimistic that a redemption arc could happen for him in SA5?

mass likers are like being visited by angels, i love youuu 💕 and i would love to read your fix-it if you ever post it 👀

as for sa5. haha. i try to keep really optimistic about it. i am a writer myself and everything that i believe about writing good stories tells me that he basically has to be redeemed, even if it’s right before his death (cliche, but it would at least still fulfill the assignment). right? because the themes of redemption for the entire story would be just completely thrown out in a major way if he wasn’t, not to mention that every moash pov chapter that revealed his complex feelings about his choices and his current situation would have been made essentially pointless and time-wasting. like i don’t see from an objective writing standpoint how the story could be good if he wasn’t redeemed, and that keeps me going more than anything else, because while i have a lot of issues with sanderson’s writing, i don’t think he’s just plain stupid, right? so yea, that’s what keeps me going.

however!!! he has really dropped the ball with regards to racism/classism/etc in stormlight, so while this would i think be his biggest fumble yet, it’s not entirely impossible to see some truly bad stuff happen in moash’s arc in sa5. but i try to keep optimistic and keep my expectations relatively low (like death bed redemption would suck but i guess i would ultimately be ok with it, sigh)

sorry that i forgot to answer this for so long, and thank you for stopping by!! 🥰💕

#ask #anon #moash #kowt speculation #kowt #the stormlight archive

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tulipe-rose · 8 months ago

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Nakahara Chūya, and Miyazawa Kenji... Quite the unique bunch, aren't they?

The allegedly 'inhumane', gravity manipulating beast, and the temperamental, often starved sunshine child.

They're explored separately throughout the Manga, and are given their moments to express their characters through words and actions. At first sight, they'd be rendered polar opposites. However that may be true to an unknowing outsider, their current knowledge would never allow them to understand, to comprehend what lies within.

One loyal dog, another morally grey sweetheart.

They do meet once during the main plot; multiple times during the spin offs and once during the anthologies. They're portrayed to be an admiring boy with his idol. It's truly an adorable sight to behold.

The feared Mafia executive, and the loved, yet feared agency part timer.

It's a pity that they'll most probably never get the right opportunity to connect with one another. Their past experiences and sorrows are the key factors that would assist them to truly understand each other's emotions, as they both know what it's like to grieve over loved ones. They both know all too well what it's like to be the strongest; to be the pillar of support that everyone depends on in certain situations; their trump card. They both harbor abilities that are mighty, double edged swords, unstoppable when provoked, even harmful to oneself when pushed to their wits end. The weight of responsibility could weigh on them akin to dead weight, but they persevere through it, and they manage to make it through victorious. It's truly fascinating however, that the difference in environment could impact the path taken, and ideals followed by each. The way by which they choose to handle predicaments they're to be put in reflects the duality of humans that are infinitely similar and different concurrently.

Bottling up their issues and emotions isn't foreign to either. One due to his upbringing, and the other solely because of the fact that he has no time to deal with them. Life is moving, and the mafioso cannot afford to be held up by pitiful emotions. He is capable of destressing using quality wine in the safe confines of a bar table. The young blonde on the other hand is a stranger to pitiful anger, sadness and irritation. He has been brought up to never feel the need to be anything but happy. Yes, it might have effectively impacted him, making his perspective and views brighter, much more optimistic and inviting than most. However, a certain perspective would claim that variety in emotions is what makes us human; I'd leave it up to debate, yet I personally believe that with enough care and attention, the young Miyazawa could open up, even if a little to peak of anything that bothers him. That'd be the peak of character development. Another colossal issue that is faced by this superhuman fourteen year old happens to be how he chooses to handle his hunger. He could be half starved to death, yet not a single complaint would leave his lips. He's far too accustomed to it. He doesn't acknowledge it anymore, and that is not healthy.

A lost soul, and another wandering one.

I dare say Nakahara sees a fragment of his youth in the blonde countryboy. Nakahara would go to unimaginable lengths just to keep the boy's smile genuine; to keep it cheerful and glad to be in existence as ever. He'd try to reserve the boy's happiness, because he was too familiar with it being stripped away.

They might just be the shoulder that both of them needs to lean on, cry on in case the infamous ginger winds up lost to the alcohol.

If only the mangaka gave it a serious chance.

(TD;LR I firmly believe in and support the Chuenji sibling dynamic.

Petition to allow the Miyazawa family to adopt Chūya, aye in the comments if you agree.

Hope you liked this pointless piece of meta that literally no one asked for. I'm pretty sure most of my points have been repeated over and over by other people, but never hurts really.)

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd meta #bsd analysis #chuuya nakahara #nakahara chūya #bsd kenji #bsd chuuya #kenji miyazawa #writers on tumblr #saff-ron tag #siblings #let them hug

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classpectingcaxy · 6 months ago

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So, I was wondering if you could figure out Rocky's Classpect? As promised, here's some rambling about him.

On the outside, Rocky appears like an optimist. No matter the situation, he always has that huge smile on his face, makes wise cracking comments, and keeps his chin up. It seems like even death itself can not scare him, if anything he sees everything as beautiful and can make a poem or song out of even his worst days. In a way he comes off sort of ethereal, untouchable and unreal in his cartoonish responses.

Yet, underneath that is something darker. For one, Rocky is fully capable of holding a vendetta, as shown by how he takes his vengeance on the big farmers for what they did and uses dynamite against the Marigold crew. He didn't take it to the point of murder, but he didn't really hold back either. When Rocky has enemies, he goes all out. And he makes it look like he's too childish to consider the consequences of his actions, but when that façade cracks, it becomes oh so clear he is more lucid than anyone would have ever thought, but he does it anyway.

Secondly, there's the sadder, softer side of those cracks in his façade. Simply put, Rocky is tired. He's worked himself to the bone to try to save the Lackadaisy, yet nothing he does is working. Instead, he's gotten people hurt, himself, Freckle, and Mitzi included, though the latter were more emotional than Rocky whose literally put his body and soul on the line.

What ultimately drives Rocky is the desperate need for love, rarely ever receiving it and constantly being rejected. From now to his past with an unexplained "family tragedy" Rocky was blamed for, he has been the embodiment of isolation. And so, he feels like a failure.

FHFFHHF sorry for rambling but you asked me for a rant and so you got one!

This one was TOUGH! But I think I've got it.

I think Rocky Rickaby just might be a

Prince of Heart

Analysis below the cut.

Prince

Princes are an active destroyer class. They destroy their aspect, or destroy by using their aspect. They are often plagued by their aspect in some way, and struggle with it immensely. This is shown with Eridan, who was obsessed with science and, despite his immense hope that there might be more to the world, couldn't let go of his obsession well enough to fully utilize his powers, as well as being shown with Dirk who had such a struggle with his self, his identity, that he splintered himself several times over and invented individuals to treat as family just so he wouldn't have to be with himself so much.

Princes also often put in a mask, they pretend to be something they aren't, often the opposite of their true self. Eridan, as hopeful and as gullible as he was, put on an air of science and fact and cold logic, pretending to be far smarter, far more mechanical in mind than he was. Dirk pretended to be aloof and uncaring, feeling it better to put on a mask of "whatever" rather than reveal how deeply he cared about those around him.

And lastly, Princes seem to have a critical misunderstanding of their Aspect's importance to themselves. Eridan completely disregarded Hope and it's concepts as important, and even outright destroyed the (at the time) one chance his species had to thrive, showing a complete misunderstanding of the importance of hope, both to others and to himself. Dirk was more than willing to die as many times as needed for his loved ones, even if that death was pointless, as he couldn't care less about himself, his soul, his Heart.

Altogether, this makes Princes inherently self-sacrificial, though what they sacrifice is dependent entirely on Aspect: Eridan was very selfish and focused solely on his survival and empowerment, thereby sacrificing his own chance at redemption and sacrificing his own hopes of ever having what he dreamed of, while Dirk was ready and, almost, eager to die for those around him, sacrificing himself and his own identity multiple times for others.

It also makes them very powerful, as they fully recognize the potential they bear, they simply see more of it in others, and feel it's wasted on them in some way or another.

Heart

Heart is the Aspect of identity, soul, and the self. Heart players are often self-absorbed, but not necessarily in a bad way. They can be anywhere from simply interested in figuring themselves out all the way to absolutely obsessed with themselves in every way. But in all cases, Heart players have a deep interest in themselves, in the sense that they desire to know themselves and manage themselves according to the story they want their life to be.

Heart players are also more likely to have identity issues or quirks, as their identities are usually more complicated than that of others. This can manifest as alters, identity disorders, mood disorders, or even "other selves" in a metaphorical sense, such as versions of themselves in other people's ideas of who they are, or even something as tangible as a version of themselves in a game or story.

Heart players also have an interest in certain emotions such as passion, love, and platonic relationships. This can present in several ways, from a mild interest in interpersonal dynamics all the way to an obsession with platonic, romantic, and every kind of relationship in between. They may find themselves having difficulty in understanding why others struggle with these concepts, or why others aren't interested, but are also the most likely to be understanding of their reasons when made aware, even if they disagree with them.

Overall, Heart players make for excellent emotional supports and even relationship counselors of all kinds, but are also often much more sensitive than they let on, and if their advice is rejected or turned away, or their understanding is called into question or doubt, they will likely be hurt by it long-term, be it for days or even weeks depending on the severity. This leads to many putting on a mask, something they believe will be more "socially acceptable", which often leads to them seeming aloof or distant despite being heavily invested in the lives of those around them, as well as their own.

Prince of Heart

A Prince of Heart is one who Destroys Heart or Destroys by using Heart. They turn the Self, Identity, into a destructive power when done literally, and when metaphorically, they destroy Self and Identity.

It's incredibly common for a Heart player to have an intense and overzealous personality, whatever that personality may be. One may be intensely, passionately stoic, while another may be infuriatingly solemn and reserved. Whatever their personality, Heart players rest on extremes.

Princes, on the other hand, actively mask their personality with a veneer of disregard or aloofness.

I believe Rocky fits these perfectly: His mask is the visage of one unbothered by circumstance and life. His mask is the appearance of carelessness, of carefree living, of endless joy and ceaseless artistry in the face of all things.

His personality, intense and overzealous, bleeds through in the form of just how strong that mask is. His darkness becomes abyss, his spark becomes sunlight, and so on, but he masks every ounce of his inner self, his fear and his exhaustion and his self-loathing, behind the false positivity that he's honed into a weapon through his experience with the true positivity he's felt at times.

He Destroys the gloom and misery around him by using Heart, the identity he's crafted for himself to use around others, and he Destroys his own Heart, his own identity, by suppressing it behind walls upon walls of energy, positivity, excitement, and love for life that he's long since felt draining out of him.

If this doesn't feel like the best fit, by all means let me know and I'll give it another go!

#class #aspect #classpect #analysis #homestuck #request #ask #answer #classpect assignment #lackadaisy #rocky rickaby

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etinceelle · 1 year ago

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Analysis of RWBY Volume 9 and V9 epilogue

So I have some thoughts stuck in my brain since I saw the epilogue, and I wanted to share them here ! o/

I've been thinking a lot about the overall message and meaning of Volume 9, and the epilogue is an interesting contradiction in some parts. There are different oppositions in there that I'd like to talk about.

Note that I'll (of course I mean who do you think I am) talk about how Penny's death is described and shown to us and from all of these characters' point of views, because there are interesting oppositions here to :]

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Volume 9 is about hope, it's about accepting that who you are and what you do is enough, and it's also the main and overall message of the story since the beginning. That even if everything seems to be pointless or doomed, just trying and doing simple acts can be enough. I think it's interesting to see how that influences Qrow especially in the epilogue, because he's very optimistic and doing his best, while Winter is spiraling and feeling guilty because she took a long time to finally act against Ironwood.

These two characters have a different point of view about everything, Winter thinks that they failed team RWBY, Jaune and Penny, and that it's better they never see this. Qrow thinks that they've done good despite everything, and his biggest regret is that they can't see all the good they started.

I'm also really glad to see that Qrow learned from Clover and is able to move forward, and make something of this loss. Qrow used to be completely pessimistic and alone for years, thinking that it was only because of his Semblance, while in fact the perspective and vision of the world is what allow him to decide of how things will go. Anyway I just thought it was nice as I loved their bond in Volume 7 ♥

The opposition of Qrow and Winter here is interesting, and I'm really curious to know now they'll both be developed in Volume 10 !

Btw, note that they mentioned before showing the epilogue that some parts of this epilogue were cut (it's a portion of the epilogue), because it leads to future plot that they probably want to keep for Volume 10. So some informations are probably missing too

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So what I also and especially wanted to talk about here is Volume 9 informations : if you think of the RWBY story in a larger perspective, you can see that :

life and death are the only known and "good" balance made by the two Brothers (who aren't the true Gods of the RWBY universe, but "only" Afterans with lots of powers basically--)

reincarnation/reviving people from the death is BAD and break the balance.

reincarnation is also seen as painful : Salem doesn't reincarnate, but she never dies. Ozpin reincarnates, but in a painful way as he keeps his memories, he stays the same and merge with a new person all the time.

But in Volume 9, we learn that :

the Tree and the Blacksmith are (is ?) the one who created everything, included the two Brothers, who created Remnant and other worlds

death doesn't exist in the Ever After (EXCEPT with the Jabberwalker). the balance here is to ascend, aka reincarnate, and lose some parts of your memories : you might not remember anything of your previous life, but you do remember deep down the very important things (like as we saw with Little who came back as Somewhat, who don't remember the details of their bond with Ruby, but they DO remember her and their connection deep down).

the Blacksmith talks about "the true balance", and we can see that what the two Brothers are (compared to two forces), isn't what this true balance is. So it's implied what the Brothers did/are isn't what balance is, or is supposed to be. At least, that's my interpretation of this scene.

I wanted to sum up all of these infos to have a clear and large vision of the story. Those in Remnant don't know a THING about what we learned in V9, we can see it with Winter spiralling on her failures and mistakes.

Now about life and death, there's this thing : in Remnant people die, they don't come back, yet everyone in Vacuo is about to see 5 young adults/teenager "come back for the dead" after seeing them fall in a dark void. They weren't really dead, but for everyone on Remnant they were, and I just feel like with V9 they're playing more and more around this idea of balance and life and death, and the vision around it.

Some funny thing I thought of too is that Little died, but they came back as Somewhat and no one really complained about how it would erase the meaning of their death, the impact etc. But I don't feel the same way, it was STILL impactful, it still pushed Ruby to give up everything and drink the tea. And it was mostly accepted by everyone to me because they're Afteran.

I'm kinda rambling a lot until now, but I want to talk about Penny and how I think things are even more confusing about her-

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There are two lines in direction opposition in Volume 9 and this epilogue, first we have the scene with Ruby meeting the Blacksmith in Chapter 5 of V9, when Ruby asks where they found Penny's sword. The Blacksmith answers "nothing, no one is ever truly lost". The "no one here is interesting" as Ruby only asked about Penny's sword, an object, and not Penny herself. And in this overall chapter, we have a whole scene with the Cat explaining to team RWBY what is ascension in the Ever After. They are shocked when they ask if people can die here, or even remember anything. Weiss says that "things have to die someday", but the Cat is shocked and denies it.

Then in this epilogue, we have Winter's point of view, saying "Because of me, Penny is gone, forever".

I'd like to note two things here :

this line is in opposition with what Penny and Winter said to each other during the transfer of the Maiden powers at the end of V8 : in this scene, Penny is reassuring Winter by saying she won't be gone, she'll be a part of her, just as Winter told her Fria was a part of Penny in V7 finale. Here in this epilogue, Winter is feeling guilty and doesn't truly believe what they said to each other, she thinks she's gone (and this "being gone" thing isn't just a metaphor : it's confusing because of the nature of the maiden powers. Penny is literally a part of Winter because her Aura was transferred to Winter with the powers, it's not just meant to be comforting.).

this line is also in complete opposition with the overall volume, a volume about reincarnation/ascension, about this idea of balance that might not be what we think it is maybe ? I would say that it's normal because Winter doesn't have this knowledge, we're only in her thoughts and she's feeling bad. The thing that I think is strange is this "forever" : Winter saying "Because of me, Penny is gone", would have been enough for the audience to understand that she's feeling guilty. This "forever" is subtle but to me it's still an important emphasis because we literally had the God of the RWBY universe telling us a few chapters ago "nothing, no one is ever truly lost". Once again, Penny had a LOT of references during V9, almost every chapter except 2 (I talked more about it in previous posts). She was literally haunting the narrative with these subtle moments, discreet enough to be unnoticed (or Penny's fans are just insane idk) : this moment when Ruby meets the Blacksmith, this moment in chapter 8 when Penny's illusion says "I died in Atlas too, didn't I ?".

So Penny is mentioned almost all of the volume, and directly paralleled to reincarnation with a character VERY similar to her (Litte/Somewhat), who's friendly, wants to help Ruby, loves hugs, loves to help their friends and be their guide. I just feel like they're playing a lot with Penny on the topic of death, she's truly an allusion to Pinnochio omg.

I did a little sketch/doodle to sum up all of that because I think it'll be clearer than my disorganized thoughts oops

Most of the time, adding such an emphasis on one character's death is pretty suspicious and means there's something more coming for them. I just think the parallel of seeing a character reincarnate and having this emphasis on Penny's death by multiple characters look pretty curious-

Now I know we could ask what about Pyrrha, Clover, Ironwood and many others who died then ? Well the thing is that even if I talk about Penny, I'm starting to think about them too and wondering at this point if they could not be back at some point in someway someday. I won't talk too much on this because I'm really not sure of anything and it's still complicated to talk about them when for most of these characters, you can see there's a form of "conclusion" to their death : Pyrrha got the statue scene in V6 and it felt like some sort of closure to me. Jaune moved forward and did his best to train with her videos. Clover died but Qrow has been able to move forward too and learn from his friend. Penny died to transfer the powers and save people, but if she's not coming back, then I'd like to see the effects on Ruby, to see her stay kind and friendly, to see her think about her friend and remember how positive she was about the world. Until now we only can see and feel Penny's death and character linger on the narrative, and we still don't know how Pietro, Penny's dad and creator, is taking all of this. As I mentioned before I highly doubt he would just stay there and mourn his daughter, he will definitely try to understand more how Aura works, Aura transfer, or even close himself to others and try desperately to rebuild her.

Ok it's late idk how to explain more my thoughts on these topic but I FEEL. LIKE. SOMETHING IN ALL OF THAT IS OFF. So I'll finish this with two doodles from yesterday when I continued to lose my brain and tried to analyse and speculate on the overall RWBY story/narrative, as well as how I see Penny's narrative and arc too. xD

Things just often happen in threes, and I feel like if Penny comes back, she will definitely stay this time. Idk if us Penny fans are just seeing things too far, being delusional or else, but aside all shipping or favorite character or anything, I still just think in a narrative point of view a lot of elements are leading to something big about her and death in general.

And I'll also add one image that sums up the structure of a narrative arc, to understand where I came from with all of this, and how we can try to predict how things will go for the Vacuo arc and the last part of the series :

I'll stop the massacre and go to sleep because I can feel my brain drifting off *runs*

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