#it doesn't take away the pain no matter how much I try to rationalize

[tiredfoxtf]

It's so bizarre to follow social media of people you're no longer friends with. You used to talk to each other, a lot too, pretty much every day for hours for 4 years. And now you haven't talked in 4-5 years. And looking at stuff they post, you are happy that they are doing well. But at the same time it's this heavy feeling that they are doing so well without you, that they learned how to be happy without you, they moved on. And you just can't, you can't do the same qnd it hurts.

[all-pacas]

OKAY. 13 AND CHASE IN AFTER HOURS THO

The fact that when 13 needs help, she calls Chase. Why does she call him? Why doesn't she call someone else? She needs someone to deliver her a portable ultrasound, and okay, you could argue Foreman is a bad call because he's her ex and would pry. That House would just refuse. Taub would have been a good pick tbh, he would drop it off and just go home no questions asked. But no, she calls Chase

(And I love that call. "You doing anything?" "Oh, yeah, I'm just about to go out," Chase lies blatantly, asleep in bed with a book on the crusades on his chest. Like the loser he is. I don't know that it was done well but I love how S7 examines his Dumb Whore tendencies: it isn't really him, it's a rebound. He does it again when he gets stabbed.)

And of course the second he shows up he immediately sees through 13's excuses and pushes his way into the apartment. Because we love Chase's observation skills triumphing over his laziness.

13 tells Chase the prison backstory. Like! It's kind of glossed over. She hasn't told this to anyone else. She doesn't hide it. I killed my brother. It wasn't murder. Chase is just pacing, you just know he's twigged as hell, he's so anxious all at once as she tries to brush past it. The idea that 13 kind of had to tell him to explain Darrien's presence but she's also — House is the only other person who knows.

CHASE: Have you talked to anybody about it? I mean, are you okay?

Like we know this immediately triggered something in Chase, but 13 doesn't, and seeing him so anxious and pacing and ignoring the bleeding dying woman as 13 works, it's just. Incredible. It's good. He cares immediately, he's relating to this immediately.

But I love seeing them work together. Like they just immediately go in sync, Chase offering suggestions and 13 doing the work. They're just. It's nice.

SIDE NOTE: House says he called everyone before he called Cuddy. We see him call 13 and Taub. Chase is off picking up drugs, we don't see House call him, but like. He had to have called Chase first, right? Did Chase not pick up? Did he blow him off because he already was dealing with someone bleeding to death in someone's apartment??

The way they fight oh my god. The way 13 just is trying to fucking murder Chase. She punches him, she claws and shoves him, and then he just clocks her and stares horrified as she falls to the floor. Like it's an actual fight, it's brutal, it's so good. They hurt one another. I can't explain it but I love how brutal it is, that they both walk away with bruises, that it isn't pretty. Incredible. Amazing scene.

CHASE: You were defending your friend beyond all rationality, granting her the right to die in your bedroom. Was it really all because of a promise? 13: That word means something to some people. CHASE: Not that much. […] CHASE: You promised your brother you'd euthanize him and you think you won't feel bad about it as long as you can blame it on the promise. That's why you have this twisted obligation to keep all promises… or your carefully constructed defense mechanism could crumble down. 13: I saved my brother from a lot of pain.

!! Chase keeps bringing it up, he keeps bringing up her brother, not out of I can't believe you did a murder or I can't believe you went to prison but: you must hate yourself. He's calling her out on her coping mechanisms, he's calling her out on her guilt, and it's so fucking clear what he means is I get it but he's not saying that part. 13 killed her brother and now has to believe she did the right thing, no matter what, no matter how she feels. She's taking away her own agency: it was for a promise, it was his decision, she had nothing to do with it, it's fine, it doesn't feel bad. Chase killed Dibala and told himself it was for the greater good, it was morally just, it was the right thing to do, it doesn't feel bad. And it nearly destroyed him. And so he's pushing and pushing at it. He never goes 13 went to prison! he never goes it's so crazy you did that! Whenever he brings it up it's only in the context of how worried he is about her. Has she spoken to someone? Is she coping? Is this healthy? Is she okay? He's so worried. He cares so much.

I adore 13 and Chase running out of ideas with Darrien and calling dad. Most sibling coded of all time. Just. And the fact that House doesn't allude to also being in the hospital, actively bleeding and in pain, just, yes, we gotta help bail you two idiots out. Beautiful moment.

Chase getting 13 ice and coffee and still feeling guilty for punching her out, and 13 not blaming him at all. Like. You know. Don't beat people up. But in this one case I totally approve. Because I love it.

13: Darrien had to shoot that kid. It was the right thing. Completely justified. But it didn't matter. She destroyed her life trying to forget. I'm afraid that's what's gonna happen to me. CHASE: You really should talk to someone. 13: I've talked to a therapist. It didn't help. CHASE: Well, maybe you should talk to someone who isn't a therapist. 13: Do you really think you have any idea what it's like to live with something like this? CHASE: Let's grab a coffee.

Since the second Chase found out, this is what it's been leading towards. I love that he doesn't answer, he doesn't say a thing, but this is what he's been thinking all episode, why he's been pushing, why he's been so worried and caring: talk to me. Tell me you're not okay. Tell me everything isn't fine. And 13 holds it back until the end of the case, until it's over and she has no distractions. It's not at all clear Chase himself has talked to someone about Dibala, btw. He probably hasn't.

And how insane is that. He never told Foreman or House; they figured it out. He told Cameron: she left him. (Imagine being 13, hearing this. Realizing the timeline. She went to their wedding. What did she think happened when Cameron just … left? How quickly does she figure it out now?) House told Chase to talk to someone, Chase tried Confessing, but whenever he's tried to tell anyone it's gone terribly for him. I don't think he has talked to anyone. But he repeats House's advice to 13: talk to someone. (Talk to me.) He's offering her what he never got. And their situations are different, hers is much more sympathetic and easy to accept than his. Chase never goes I never got help or you have nothing to feel bad about or implies he doesn't think it's a big deal: his entire reaction is just empathy. He wants 13 to get what he didn't get, he wants to help.

The song that plays over the end of the episode is Bon Iver's Flume. And as much as you can apply it to House, and Cuddy, and Wilson, and all of that — it's a song about feeling isolated, feeling alone and being afraid of letting go. Of holding on to things that stain and hurt. The lyrics that play while 13 and Chase are having their coffee in the conference room, though:

i wear my garment/so it shows now you know

And I just! I love! Them! The ways 13 and Chase are so alike and so damaged, the way Chase reacts with empathy and care and wants her to have what he didn't, the way they know one another's secrets and worst moments and rely on one another so easily. 13's secrecy is a meme, in and out of universe, but Chase is absolutely no better: he won't even admit he's Catholic when talking to a nun. They're private to faults, they mask by sleeping around and taking risks and pretending not to care, they hide their hurts and then somehow, they punch one another in the face and know everything. I'm just. I'm so obsessed with them. I want them like this always.

[quinloki]

Okay so building off of the previous ask

Yan wbp with marine reader

What if the party/celebration last multiple days and you use that time to get to know them? Everyone is under strict rules not to attack others and there are people overlooking the whole thing so nothing shady happens.

There are games, drinks, food, music, even a lake so everyone can swim, anything you can think of

You could know them outside of the event and finally get to talk while not in battle or you could just want to see the legends in the flesh but you meet them either way. Sparking up conversation with ace is pretty easy considering there’s a high chance you’ve fought him before and talking about the food and making some bets with him is a no brainer.

Around the second to third day Izou ends up walking over and offering some drinks with some of the calmer commanders and you get to chatting, it’s also easy conversation. Asking about how they’ve been and that you’re totally going to beat them the next time you meet as well as telling them about your promotion soon.Pops is listening in and making note to keep an eye on you along with some others.

Getting asked to join the crew and acting surprised and dramatically turning it down “be a pirate?!? Never!!” And turning the question asking if they’d become a marine.

Playing volleyball with some of your stronger crew against them and losing terribly

Winning the bet with ace and him having to do whatever you say(within reason)

Trying thatch’s cooking for the first time

All that just to crumble when the clock hit 12:01 and battles start erupting and in all the chaos they come at you, izou flanking you from behind, Marco taking the front and thatch and ace covering your sides. You’re trapped. No way out.

The betrayal makes everything hurt less, too focused on your emotions and you make one two many mistakes.

To be fair you were holding up very nicely, you could’ve gotten away from them with some help but let’s not worry about that now.

The bag comes over your head and as your kicking and screaming all the way back to the moby dick where you’ll be a nice new addition to the crew.

-💧

I have no clue if it’s just the ocean devil fruit users can’t swim in but I’m gonna pretend it is 👍

OG ask

I like it - the extra details - and as for if Lake Swimming is possible it's hard to say actually. There's been some inconsistency with the lore of DF users and Sea Stone, but that's to be expected with 25+ years and counting.

Based on how I understand it, Lake Swimming would be out of the question, but swimming pools might not be bad if the water's filtered enough (the idea being that natural water has minerals and the minerals are the issue more than the water itself.) Since Baths and Springs don't have the minerals filtered out, this is why Luffy is seen being weakened in these situations.

But Lake swimming doesn't make or break the idea and the setup - and I like it.

I love the idea of a willful, strong, and fiery marine-darling spending weeks - if not months - as a tiny whirlwind of rage as these big power pirates try to break her without breaking her. It's a very delicate and fine line, and she's not exactly letting them handle her with finesse.

I imagine it becomes a sort of 100 fights thing like Ace had with Whitebeard. They let her fight all she wants, but the ship is their home turf. She's on her own and they aren't.

I can see plenty of questionable and tense moments. Tempers flare and why should they continue to be nice to her, hm? They're just vile pirates, since that's what she thinks and isn't changing her mind no matter how they accommodate her, then why hold back?

Why not take what they want? There's four of them, and one of her, and even if no one else in the crew gets involved, she's not going to be able to stop them. If she won't accept things rationally, then they'll just make her feel so good she won't be able to think enough to resist.

Endless pleasure wears one down just as much as endless pain, but this way they'll enjoy the process along with her. She just has to endure several times more pleasure than any of them and if they fold before her, then she's free to go.

[glitterguts13]

Dr Ratio/Aventurine/Sunday with pregnant Aventurine, with all three trying to do right by each other and their baby after everything that went down in the Penacony storyline (I don't know how it'll end but let's just pretend everything works out)

It's been a week and I still haven't emotionally recovered from 2.1 I need Hoyo to stop hurting my babies, please, and thank.

(JK I love the pain)

Seventeen system hours.

That day felt so long ago now, but it still sits heavy on everyone's mind. Ratio, ever the rational one, wanted to talk about it, get everything out in the open and to fix things because the good doctor didn't leave problems unsolved.

Sunday didn't take the same approach, because ackowling the issue meant acknowledging how he'd hurt and almost killed their lover. How close he had been to taking away the brightest light in their lives and he couldn't do it. Instead, he spends their time together lavishing his partners with gifts and spoils but still keeping a safe emotional distance.

While Aventurine waves it off, saying it is fine, he doesn't care, all that matters is that things worked out at the end, even if he still woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and violently trembling from the nightmare of having the Harmony dug deep into his aching brain.

Seventeen system hours.

It was hard to believe it had happened at all, or that they still hadn't managed how to talk about it without one or all of them ending up so heated they needed to walk away.

"Veritas, you're crushing me." Aventunine grumbles under his breath, feeling the scholar's tight arms wrapped around him while they prepare for a dinner party that evening. The doctor mumbles something he can't make out before loosening his grip.

"You always hold me like I'm about to disappear," he says it as a joke, but the way Ratio goes still behind him makes Aventurine's heartache deep.

"I didn't mean-"

"Quiet." a trail of kisses is left down the back of the blond's neck and over his bare shoulders.

"Are you almost ready?" the click of Sunday's shoes alerts the pair before he turns the corner to their room. Aventurine hears the breath catch in his lover's throat, and Ratio quickly releases his hold.

"You look...divine." Sunday struggles to find a word powerful enough to describe his beautiful lover, but it is nearly impossible. The garment left his shoulders exposed, but draped softly around his arms and dipped low at his chest. The cloth hugged the curve of his swollen belly, his hands resting gently atop it. A faint blush creeps over his cheeks, unable to look away.

"I don't remember purchasing that for you."

"Because you didn't. Robin did. Not that I need either of you to buy me things." none of the three could be described as anything short of idiotically wealthy, but Sunday and Ratio always insisted on spoiling Aventurine regardless. Not that he minded at all.

"She's excited for tonight." Sunday quirks a small smile, something he'd started doing a lot more recently with Robin having returned to his life.

"That makes one of us," Aventurine grumbles, tugging at his sleeve and adjusting the hem of his top.

Ratio places a hand on his shoulder, and Sunday steps closer, cupping the blond's face with his hands.

"You don't need to be worried. Everyone will love you."

Aventurine snorts, eyes darting to avoid Sunday's eyes.

"The family was less than thrilled to find out, I can imagine 'polite society' will be even less understanding of you having a child with a-" he stops himself, mouth snapping shut and eyes squeezing closed.

"Aven, I love you," Sunday pauses, glancing up to meet Ratio's eyes, "We love you. All of you. Every part of you." Ratio's thumb graces over the brand on Aventurine's neck, and he shutters.

"Other people will not be so understanding. If it was only me, I couldn't be assed to care but our baby is going to be the center of attention and the target of so much-"

"And if anyone so much as looks at you wrong, I'll have their heads." it isn't an empty threat, and it only causes Aventurine to shutter once more.

"You are not facing anything alone. Not anymore." Ratio wraps his arms around his lover's waist, large hands resting over the taunt bump. Sunday joins him, gently running soothing circles where their unborn child slept.

"You two are impossible, you know that?" the men chuckle, Sunday coming to meet Aventurine's mouth with a deep kiss, and Ratio's lips working their way back across his neck. The blond moans, shivering and pulling away from their touches.

"If you don't knock it off we're going to be late."

Sunday laughs, and Ratio rolls his eyes.

"Very well, we'll simply finish this when we return home tonight."

[qpacinho]

Do you have any headcanons for what would happen if Pac got kidnapped by Cell after they escape the prison but before they end up on ilha Quesadilla?

I can see Mike really freaking out bc of their newfound mindlink as a result of their Chume Labs activities and being able to see parts of it but not all of it bc Pac is learning how to block Mike out of his head during the bad parts such as Cell taking bites out of him.

Pac has no idea where Cell is keeping him but he does his best to give clues to Mike through their mindlink. Cell doesn’t know about the mindlink until one night where he is taking one too many bites out of Pac (leaning dangerously close to potentially loosing another limb) when Pac is too tired and in pain to try to block out Mike. Mike sees this and in his anger yells his frustration at Cell. This unintentionally results in Mike’s voice coming out of Pac and Cell finding out about the mindlink/soul bond. He delights in toying with it now that he knows Mike can see some of it and ramps things up further.

The good ending is either Pac is able to be saved by Mike bc of their abilities upgrading to be able to sense the other in an environment when one is close or the bad ending in which Mike tracks down Pac and Cell onto a cargo ship and during the hostage negotiations, the ship hits something and they all black out. When they wake up, they don’t remember anything except for a general sense of unease around Cellbit.

Thank you!

Thank you so much for the ask!

(tw: Kidnapping, perpetrator perspective, implied torture, cannibalism, Stockholm syndrome(?). very messy relationships between perpetrator and victim)

This is a really interesting line of thought. Especially if they remember the good ending on the island. But to start from the beginning

So this would then probably happen around esconde-esconde? When they have some tentative trust with him enough to let him into their games. Maybe towards the end of that era. It's interesting to think about why Cell would. Would it be desperation? Is he just that hug up on Pac? Did something in esconde-esconde trigger a desire to finish his meal?

Mike would probably be a mess if he had even an inkling that Pac was kidnapped by Cell. Maybe he doesn't at first, but when the mental wall slips and he catches glimpses of Pac's situation he would lose it. I imagine him on a war path searching for Pac. He probably learns the patterns of Pac's blocking and maybe even tries to just give Pac his presence even when Pac is cutting off his awareness.

Pac tries to get as far away as he can when he does make escape attempts, to give Mike anything to work with. It takes a while to figure out how to keep Pac in one place. He's determined enough to even try and escape without a prosthetic at all. Eventually with hardly any freedom at all, Pac can't run anymore. Eventually he is just stuck somewhere with nothing. Maybe it's even dark.

Maybe they talk to each other through it in the quiet moments. Pac listening to Mike talk about more mundane things as he comes down from whatever has been done to him. Something grounding to keep him from slipping into despair. Pac has a fawn response from hell but he is a fighter. No matter how he acts when Cell is around, Pac is clawing for sanity when he isn't. Reminders that there's a world outside of captive hell can be painful but so so important to keeping grips on the situation.

Pac's PTSD seems highly dissociative (Prison Cell and their new friend Cell are two different people). It gives the thought that Cell could be the one eating him and Cell is the one giving him food and water and patching him up after. The one that makes sure Pac is still alive the next time Cell needs to feed. How desperate would Pac become for Cell’s kindness? Would Pac see him as a savior? He easily could be. Cell playing into it would be really interesting. Help himself rationalize the two things going on in his head. He's someone else now.

Actually the whole thing from Cell’s perspective could be interesting. He thought he changed. He thought he got better. He's been in therapy. He's been existing around them for a while and nothing has gone wrong. Does Cell feel like he's one person? Does he understand how much he's hurting Pac now after regaining his trust and trying to be on good terms with him?

It's almost Pac's right arm that he loses. On the same side as his missing leg. The same tourniquet tie used to keep him from bleeding out entirely. The wall crumbles and Mike is so overwhelmed and drowning in it that the flood pulls him into Pac's head like a riptide. He practically screams through Pac's body in anger that is really a secondary of fear. Cell is so shocked by this that he stops.

Maybe it gives him a crisis. But Cell feels in too deep now to take anything back. Mike knows and is looking and he can't expect any mercy this time. Pac's arm is going to be okay but barely. A true unfinished meal while Cell tries to figure out what the fuck he can do about this now. Maybe coming back for more later with Mike witnessing since he's already so in deep.

It could go either way. Maybe Cell comes to his senses and leaves the door unlocked. Mike can get in and just take Pac. An admission of wrongdoing without having to say it. Cellbit gets another try when they're on the ship. None of them having memory of why Pac has so many new bites on him. Or maybe the desperation kicks in really and Cell just takes Pac and run. Mike has to track them down onto the ship and spend a long time trying to bargain Pac back or trick a very on edge Cell into letting his guard down long enough to beat the shit out of him. Maybe finally take Cellbit out like he should have done while Pac was recovering the first time.

Then something happens, and they never know the answer to this. They never even remember the question. No matter our ending, it starts over again. Cellbit is a different person, he's changed. He promises. He went to therapy.

Here's a thought for the future on top of this: What would happen if Cell took Mike?

[genccide-archived]

' i ... got sick, once. ' it's the best way he can think to describe it without telling too much, anyways; he doesn't know how much something like magic and science could coexist, at least for as long as one was rooted in the impossible and the other, no matter how bewildering or miraculous, miraculous enough to even give nothing but a human brain and soul a bionic body, remained firmly within the realm of rational logic; mathematics and engineering and discovered, earthly laws.

here's what he wonders: could you quantify a human heart, to the exact nonsensical measure? or could you create it, and birth something out of nothing? was it stored in the mind, or someplace else, the soul, the heart's very conscience? it demonstrated its presence by its absence at times, and this is what daisuke thinks as he closes and opens his palm, watching the veins at his wrist tug and pull, cinch and release the rest of his digits, digits that sometimes weren't even his to control.

' ... i didn't even really realize it, but my feelings were starting to get messed up. first i didn't feel anything for the people that i liked the most, and then i started to stop feeling anything at all . ' like a thick block of ice slowly spreading further and further out, glacial, beyond him, some primal part of him perpetually screaming and panicked and begging him to break out and flee, while the rest merely turned hollow, pliable, weak and numb. ' it was horrible. i don't want to go through anything like it again. but at the same time, when i think about it, i was only okay thanks to everybody else being there for me. '

for breaking every spell and deciding to take care of him. to make sure that he didn't lose himself; they had done everything they could. ' i still don't know if i deserve it, and i still feel really bad for troubling them so much, but i know that i'll always remember it. ' the soft, nostalgic smile on the boy's expression remains proof. ' i also want to be someone that others can trust with their hearts. i don't really know if it's possible, but i at least want to try, and when i do, i'll try my best. '

" That's not ... something a doctor can cure, is it ?  " It's an unfortunate truth, but a familiar and natural thing. Even if hopeful physicians believed there is a cure for every sickness, it must be devastating to dedicate your life to save others only to find out that there are things someone like you can't change nor fight.  He's lived with his doctor for years, throughout which he's witnessed the weight of life on the old man's slumped and frail shoulders,  he wishes he could take away every burden  and have it crush his own instead. 

Is he any different ?  Metal for hands and silicon for skin and a vibrant core in the place of a beating heart. Of course he is.  But it's that non-existent heart that weeps in devastation and trembles with pain. Longing for a moment of triumph for the humanity it loved and cherished deeply. For the weak and limit-bound to break free. For his own humanoid rage  that never dies out. No matter how many times he breaks apart or how many parts get replaced in his quest for it for strength. This anger will always help that non-existent heart remain pitifully human. 

Or at least that's what Genos believed. 

" Every time I think I got closer to my goa, I start feeling too fast. "   The hands on his lap open and close, mirroring the action of the younger boy before him. The robotic noise they exhale is far too familiar to his ears, it's almost weird when others move without making a sound. His eyes are downcast, staring intently, as if looking out for the second  these hands would turn against him.   " It feels like I'm falling behind, like my body would go out of control ... "  And I would go on a rampage. 

His chest feels vacant,  yet a bright core spins faster inside,  it's unnerving to think too much, but it can't be helped. What is trust when his own body doesn't feel like it belongs to him ?  When he can't even trust his own being ?  A body that has deemed him weak, a burden and a possible danger.   

Feeling too fast and not feeling anything at all.  Has it always been this risky to live with these emotions ?  He thinks of himself back from four years ago, when he was a mere kid blissfully unaware ... too engulfed in the simplicity of life to ponder on his own depths. 

Too cared for and loved to worry about it. 

" You are very fortunate to have people who care for you this much. "  Back straightening, intense gaze landing on Daisuke, he speaks all of a sudden, so intense it might sound  a little intimidating  despite the lack of such intentions from the cyborg's end. He simply wants to be perfectly clear and get his feelings across in earnest. " And your desire for improvement is truly admirable. "  Being a burden, relying on others to help and get you out of tight spots, feeling powerless and helpless afterwards. Asking yourself ;  what am I doing wrong ? What am I lacking ? Is this really all that I could be ? 

He can't let himself surrender to such weaknesses. And it's in moments like these that he feels fortunate, knowing he got the chance to meet such an inspiring personality, a person who wields the power of humanity in a way Genos could never imagine himself doing, not anymore. 

" I want to change, too. I want to become stronger for the sake of the people who took care of me. "  His family, his doctor, his teacher.  This salvaged life isn't his, it's theirs.  This non-existent heart is theirs.  The flame that burns within him and aids him in every battle is theirs.  " My teacher helped me learn that the most important thing is to keep moving forward, it can be frustrating, but listening to you helps me believe that there is hope for us to get where we want to be one day. So please, whatever you face, don't stop trying, and I won't either. " 

[synthwavecryptid]

lifeline's anon here (you know, the same one that keeps sending you asks fangirling about him). i am sorry to hear about the insurance, and about your family dog :( i have no idea how patreon works, so i can't offer any advice regarding that.

however, i can offer you this (i warn you english isn't my first language so please forgive any mistakes. also please do not mind me not using star wars' cursing or time-related wording). i hope, at least, it cheers you up a bit!

Would my love be enough, I would tear apart this world without a place for your smile. (Would my love be enough, I would carve it with my own bloodied hands).

[After witnessing a wedding planet-side, and being told that, as clones, they can't get married, Toast's hurt is spilling all over - even if he masks it. Ashe decides to do something about it.]

To anyone else, Toast seems the same. The whole day, all he's done is yap away in that happy attitude of his, zooming in and out of the camp, offering a helping hand to whoever needed it. Apparently forgetting the whole wedding debacle that occurred earlier, no trace of sadness in his expression whatsoever.

But Ashe, much to his dismay, can recognize the tension in Toast's shoulders, the way his smile tries to hide still an edge of hurt and disappointment. It's ridiculous, of course: clones aren't made for love, and much less for grandiose weddings as beautiful as the one they'd witnessed while patrolling the area.

Seeing Toast trying to get past his own feelings in the matter nags at Ashe. Identical their faces might be, but where he couldn't care less about any other clone's sadness, Toast's makes his chest contract and his hands twitch, an instinct he's tried to bury many times surfacing and demanding he fucking fix-it.

As if there's any fixing it, when it comes to them.

Clones are property of the Republic. They're soldiers to die in place of everyone else, because their lives don't fucking matter. Not like natborn's do.

And even knowing all that, Ashe still itches to make it right. As if Toast's hurt makes the world as painful as a blasterbolt to the heart; a sensation he can't ignore, as if it's bleeding out all over him, as if it's coming from his own damn self.

"Ashe! Shift's over. Go eat, or go find your loverboy. We'll meet tomorrow sharp at six in the morning to go over the briefing for your new mission."

Ashe frowns. "Yes, sir. I'll warn Toast."

"Good. Now get going!"

Toast's mood probably hasn't escaped their Captain's notice, either, if he mentions him so brazenly. Ashe takes a moment to internalize how furious it makes him, the thought of Toast's pain visible for anyone to see, spilling from his soul like an open wound.

Toast should still have half an hour to go before his shift is over, and it gives Ashe time to get rations for both of them to eat together. He makes haste, because while he doesn't care about his own ration's flavour, he wants to get Toast his favourite. It might get a genuine smile out of the guy, and Ashe - well, at this point, bleached streak to match Toast's hairstyle and all, can't deny loving him at all.

The idea that's been niggling him since he had to pop Toast's bubble about marriage surfaces again, tempting him. (Spikes of fear threatening to pierce him, a vibroblade at his neck that hasn't broken skin yet). He attempts to drown it, outrageous as it is.

But he can't.

(Fuck.)

Ashe is still thinking about it by the time he arrives at their camp tent, and thinks about it some more by the bedrolls Toast pushed as close as possible.

He sighs, and grumbles, and feels a hesitation, a semblance of fear before he pushes it down. If he's doing this, it's for the only person he's living for, reluctant as he tries to show himself to it.

His hands don't tremble when he puts down Toast's ration bar, and the second they do, Ashe stills them before taking a deep breath and continuing on.

He unclips one of his pauldrons.

And immediately thinks it would be easier to get gunned down than to offer it to Toast.

But fuck if he isn't going to do it.

If only because he knows, as intrinsically as he knows his blaster, that Toast will be fucking delighted by the gesture. What it means. What it will mean for them, and what it spells about Ashe's own feelings for him.

Vows, official register, a grand festivity to go along with it; they can't have any of that.

But they can have this.

He leaves it by the ration bar, both of them on top of Toast's side of whatever their bedrolls have become.

And waits.

[...]

PS. hope you liked it! i don't know if i wrote ashe well at all i am Very Nervous lmao. anyways. i hope things get better! maybe part 2 sometime about toast's reaction and how they suck face afterwards lololol

Anon my brain is made of scrambled egg presently but please know I am going bonkers bananas over this and want to frame it on my wall, I am so incredibly in my feelings over someone liking my goofy ass characters so much

I LOVE it, I am holding them both so tenderly, this is amazing and I will not be normal about it, thank you so so much 😭❤️❤️❤️❤️

[crying-fantasies]

Rodimus wasn't ready to be a creator P8

Masterlist

Part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8: Spark break | part 9 | part 10

No one has seen Rodimus for almost a week, the only bot that at least goes to see if his spark is still working is Ultra Magnus, occasionally Megatron or Velocity, the others also try, but they have their servos full already.

"What is he even supposed to consume now?"

"Sunset always took the energon juice, the one that is flavored"

"I'm talking about his, this, organic food, his carrier always bought this round and squishy thing"

"Shh" Rewind put a digit over his mouth piece to stop Tailgate, optics looking down to the berth, "no one says that word if you don't want him crying"

"Right, sorry" oh, now Tailgate looks in the verge of tearing.

It's funny how only the mini bots can get near the young bot now, it was hard, everyone else were trying to keep the Lost Light together and prevent it from falling apart, literally, the spaceship took way too much damage and was way too close to be totally destroyed.

There is nothing funny with the bots and humans that were lost or how now the sparkling was practically alone, his sire was the co-capitan of the ship but he couldn't even be in the same room as him, there was a rumor going around that he wasn't even able to move and his optics were offline all cycle, Megatron taking full leadership after Rodimus and other bots in the ship had the spark torn apart just like the ship.

Many wanted to hear Rodimus, they were desperate to that point, but also understood that it really wasn't the best of the moments to want him to say a motivational speech and see how long it takes him to say "till all are one" when they all saw him come undone and lose control, trying desperately to help his conjunx endurae that was long lost before he even got near what was left of the body.

They all let go of their deceased ones in the most honorable way possible, they all mourned their losses and paid respect to the dead, it didn't matter that they could find it or not, if they could at least try to put them together and resemble how they looked in life, or at least put a name on the coffin they could cry over it and try to have closure, at least try to.

But how can you explain such a thing to a sparkling, still so young in it's processor to understand that the bots in the ship are his family, like the human personnel always referred to them, the very same humans that died when the artificial atmosphere was broken or that were found by the terrorcons that attacked, they aren't the very same bots that bring chaos and pain.

How to make him understand that everything will be fine, how to make him understand that he needs to consume his rations to keep online, how to make him understand that his carrier is not coming back.

Well, in reality Sunset does know, he saw it right in front of him, he was painted helm to pede with his carrier's blood and that's how they found him, that's why he hasn't uttered a single word from his voice box and keeps him under his berth.

"Whatever it is called, I think there is still some of it in the stock area on the ship"

"Of what is left of the stock area"

Rewind isn't trying to put more pressure to the situation, he is just stating facts, he is clear about it while he still replays the event on his brain processor, there isn't even enough energon for everyone till the next planet if everyone doesn't help to some point to get the ship working again.

"Wait, are you really going to leave me alone with Sunny?"

"You can do this, you're as charismatic as it's needed now" Tailgate showed him his best wishes while both he and Rewind got out, letting him shouting to the corridor.

"No, no! I can't! These kind of things are-!"

"Uncle Swerve?"

Swerve almost goes to the allspark when he noticed that the sparkling was outside of his hiding spot, looking at him with big bright optics, Sunset didn't let anyone wash him, running away when he finally could move, the dried blood looked like rust on his derma.

"Woah, kiddo, you, are you alright?"

Such a good selection of words, super nice, incredible, why didn't he just bite off his glossa while he is at it, for the love of Primus?! Just look at the poor sparkling!

"Yes, I just got scared"

"Oh, okay, that's fine, that's fine, here, come here with me, I have some..." He frantically searched around, finally landing in something that was already in the habsuit, a simple glass cube half full that he recognized as a familiar liquid, "water, you like water, isn't that right?"

The little one doesn't say much, just getting closer and accepting the cube before taking his fill in one motion, taking a seat near the older bot, Sunset looks... more composed than he believed at first, that was good, isn't that right?"

"Uncle Swerve?" He finally takes a cloth nearby to try and clean the sparkling, dried blood coming off quite easily now.

"Yeah, kid?"

"Where is mom?"

That is enough to give him two things, relief that the sparkling doesn't remember what he saw and also the most chilling and sickening sensation going down his bipedalism cord while he looks at those big optics that really are expecting an answer.

"When is mom coming back?"

"Your mom is going to be late"

Oh, Primus, since when Rodimus and Megatron were in the entrance of the habsuit? He looked, well, like literal crap, as expected of the given situation, he takes his son with him, holding him gently in his servos.

"Rodimus..." Swerve calls out to him, not even sure if what Rodimus is doing now is something good, no scratch that, it isn't good in any way, "you- you can't-"

"I know what I'm doing"

Rodimus can be like that, a one-way vision bot to the point were is almost infuriating, but Megatron just let him have it, because now it's only a matter of Rodimus and his sparkling to face what was ahead of them, and it was his business to choose when to tell the truth.

It wouldn't really matter if it came now or later, the reality always comes back to you at some point.

[randomfoggytiger]

Mulder Respects Scully's Medical Choices in the Most Baffling Ways

Fox Mulder is a man of logic and devotion; and he uses both studiously (and often bafflingly) when aiding and abetting Scully's medical decisions:

One Breath-- Mulder-- after being torn apart because he knew "you're not ready to go"-- learned to respect Scully's choices by sitting by her bedside, supporting her in her "final hours."

Memento Mori-- Mulder poured all his feverish energy into solving Scully's "problems": tracking down leads, bringing her things from the trunk of her car, calling her mother, and, ultimately, hiding her ova until Scully would have her bearings about her to deal with this latest invasion (not a smart move on his part; but he was trying to rationalize what would be best.)

Redux II-- Mulder didn't "take the deal", because he knew 1. It was against his faith and 2. Scully would want him to refuse, even if it meant her life ("I knew you'd talk me out of it if I was making a mistake.")

Emily-- Mulder didn't hand over Emily's cure when Scully made the decision to let her daughter die ("But if you could treat her--" "I wouldn't do it to her." "Are you sure?" "...I have a chance to stop that.")

The Red and the Black-- Mulder overcame his disgust at hypno-regression (having lost his faith in aliens and his memories) so that Scully could have her own memories to grasp after the trauma of her latest ordeal.

Per Manum-- Mulder finally tells Scully he'd stored her ova when Scully relates her sorrow over her sterility (who knows how many years later); and, instead of pushing away the temporary barrier she erected between them-- seeing that she is near tears processing the news-- he lets her go. He later fully supports and lends his own efforts to her IVF attempts, continuing to encourage her after the failure: if Scully wants this medical miracle, he'll move heaven and earth to get what she desires.

But, while he ultimately respects her personal autonomy, Mulder does overstep his boundaries by withholding crucial information in a misguided attempt to protect Scully from more pain. Predictably, this backfires a lot: Mulder slowly realizes how much trauma Scully holds inside, no matter if he tries to shield her from ugly realities or not.

It's an interesting dynamic: Mulder is a man of truth, so he will not tell Scully lies to comfort her... but he won't tell her all of the truth. Scully, meanwhile, will tell Mulder what she believes he needs to hear ("I'm fine", "She just wanted to protect you from more pain", etc.) even if she doesn't fully believe those responses herself. Both of them cross lines and barriers often-- as all humans do in relationships with the best intentions but wrong choices-- and both forgive each other tirelessly because they have profound faith and trust in each other, despite their mutual colossal mess ups.

[idleorbitals]

only friends ep 3 watch through (part 1/2)

!! the mess is here. the mess is here and so am I

we open on nick catching even more feelings over bostonnick sex montage. oh this is painful to watch. lmao @ the of directors being the ones to give nick the tweet replies he doesn't want to hear though

I have to say I am such a sucker for the kind of aw noise boston makes at 2:26 it would get me too. but right after this he sits up and says the most manipulative shit about ~we might become something more~ nick baby. get out of there

raysand softest wake up together scene. this is very tender for a one night stand situation. my expectations for what we're supposed to want for them keep getting overturned. what I want for them has remained consistent but not bc of anything rational just bc I'm a simp

moment of silence for first kanaphan special acting ability where he manages to look like he's gazing softly up at khaotung's character while towering over him

moment of silence for sand who is already gone for ray and realizing it a little

moment of silence for ray who is still flirting having fun and feeling fancy free. oh boy when you torpedo this everyone will suffer you included

The Friends (tm) are eating and planning a pool party. they are having a fun chat about all the crazy things the cctv they want to put in is going to pick up. you know when you create all these opportunities for the narrative to screw with you it will babes.

ray remembers he knows a hot musician and volunteers to take care of the djing in a way that is so sus that the rest of the friends get comic whiplash sound effects and an eagle scream about it

topmew date time. sorry legitimately the only thing I can think about in this scene is how if everyone is dancing to different music everyone will look foolish as heck. forcebook really selling it here

I lied I have another thought and it's that these lyrics they are singing make me feel like the narrative is slapping me in the face

everyone regards me as a bad guy / I'm a villain, no matter how much I love you, I must die eventually / in the end, he's the one who has your love / I want to be a hero, but villain is my role

ok calm down top

if some of that's not metaphorical tho...yikes yikes

*begin vid section [2/4]*

an old familiar hookup comes to flirt with top in front of mew. can't totally read this dynamic. mew is clearly a little jealous but doesn't really have the standing to say anything. much like top's encounter with boston in the shower last week he's pushing away just a little but not putting his arm into it. top what is your game here?

nick getting boston to help him move lmao. that's right use him babe

sand is connecting dots. about bostonnick and about the hostel. ding ding ding baby you're all tangled up in this thankless situation. I wish I could have hope about sand and nick being good for each other bc they seem like the two most sympathetic characters this storyline currently has to offer but unfortunately my guess is they will both be too hung up on other people to be any real help to one another. and/or nick's going darkside idk you guys I'm starting to wonder. more on that coming up

ray wants to hire sand for ~party fun times~ so he goes to his work mom yo to clear it with her first. she says /why are you trying to get me wrapped up in your mess I'm a pure character/ and ray, about his intentions toward sand, rasps out "nothing is suspicious" while clearing his throat and shaking his head very quickly to indicate that nothing is suspicious.

yo's bf arrives on the scene to act as another character pointing out ray's day drinking. sorry ray the narrative agrees it's problematic to hang out at a bar all day when you're not sleeping with someone on staff. yo and bf have a cute moment and ray goes sweet and starry eyed about it.

ray: "can I get one like that?" p'yo: "here comes sand"

sorry I legitimately cannot continue without taking a moment for sparkly princess ray here. wtf. this look is, of course, aimed at sand but honestly that's not even what's important to me right now

cut to sand doing some of the most inefficient chopping work known to man while ray stands around flirting prettily with him and asking for favors.

trailer teasing us yet again on their dynamic. ray is the first one to say "you think I want you as my boyfriend? of course not!" while sand takes a long sip of his water and stares into the middle distance. oh sand.

sand calls him an asshole (affectionate)* again and gets up to go. ray grabs him by the arm and asks with feeling if he is really okay with this, which is the narrative reminding us that we are still allowed to sympathize with him even when he's being a little shit bc he understands consent. they have a nice little ~what are we~ conversation which, like—even though we know it's not actually going to work out ok for either of them even over the course this episode—is some pretty healthy communication, especially stacked right up against everything we've had from boston and nick this week. I'm honestly consistently surprised ray is being allowed to be a decent person but I'm not complaining

*nearly every time the subs say "dickhead" "asshole" etc what the characters are actually calling each other is สัตว์ "animal". I get that this is a more commonly used insult in thai but I think it almost holds up as a direct translation in terms of relative weight and I sort of wish it was glossed more consistently somehow. idk someone come tell me more tho

back at the pool nick meets top, who he recognizes from the photo booth pictures he found at boston's. they get a set of villain zooms, one each top and nick. nick baby don't do anything sand wouldn't do ok?

back to one of nick's online-in-a-dark-room moments. he's stalking top and finding boston comments all over his ig. the camera is not looking kindly on him here. something something the toxicity of jealousy and obsession. nick has real feelings involved so he's already at a disadvantage in his dynamic with boston, but suddenly I get the sense that boston is not necessarily safe, even if he's not going to catch feelings

how is sandray of the messy unrequited friend thing the only safe dynamic of the Big Three

(part 2) (all ofts watch throughs)

[starry-blue-echoes]

Hehe Joot in Italy + Early Bird Crossover go brrrrr

Specifically for some de-aging shenanigans. Because it’s one of my favorite tropes to mess around with and it going to be a BLAST with this AU mash up

So it’s been a few months since Diavlo was defeated. The gang’s all moved into a giant house a bit away from the city, Giorno and Bucciarati split Boss Duties, Fugo’s working through his stuff, and all seems pretty great

And then Jotaro ends up coming back to Italy in order to deal with a Stand User who’s been giving the Foundation and Passione some issues, because he’s The Go To Stand Guy for when shit’s going sideways. They don’t know a whole lot about the User, just that they’ve been responsible for MANY disappearances and deaths in which no one’s been able to find the bodies. There have been an increase in unidentifiable children's bodies though.....

As the group eventually learns the hard way, his ability is to physically de-age his targets. The exact age varies from person to person, but at the oldest it’s before they hit age 10, and since the target only has memories up to that point of their life, it leaves them essentially completely vulnerable to attack. Think Set but without the ability to turn people into fetuses and more effective in the memory department

so of course when they go to confront the User, Jotaro gets hit and is sent back to good old age 6 a month-ish into his kidnapping

And the Bucci Gang…… weren’t expecting this. They weren’t quite sure what they were expecting a child Jotaro to look like, even imagining the man smiling was enough of a mental stretch, but this small, pale boy covered in bruises and filthy bandages wasn’t it

Jotaro doesn’t know where he is. He was in Dio’s mansion in his dark room without windows and filled with dust and cobwebs by himself trying to sleep, and now he’s suddenly outside which is already bad, he’s not allowed to be outside, but to make things even worse he doesn’t recognize where he is

But Jotaro still remembers the Rules he’d learned. He learned that while Mr.Dio said he was above all the minions, he still had to do what they said because they were doing what Mr.Dio said, and he had to obey Mr.Dio or else he and his friends would get hurt. He learned that Mr.Dio only had Stand Users interact with him. He learned that Mr.Dio would take away the minions thoughts if he thought they were disobedient by putting something in their head and that the thing in their head was painful and scary. He learned that Mr.Dio wasn't kind to those who failed, even if it wasn't their fault or it was an accident, and that it almost always resulted in too much blood and bodies going still and a smell Jotaro couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried

So when the Bucci Gang try to get him to go with them, Jotaro obeys without question. When they ask him questions, he gives quick, concise answers and refuses to meet their eyes. And when they offer to treat his injuries....... he's confused. Why? It's just a waste of their resources. He isn't a part of their team and they don't have any incentive to fix him. It doesn't make sense.

And this....... absolutely horrifies the team. Of course it does, they're having to watch a 6 year old rationalize not treating him

I think given his past as a cop, Abbaccio would be the best equipped to deal with this. Bucciarati is good at showing kindness, but right now Jotaro is going to see anything other than strict rules as either a) a trap or b) dangerous. Maybe Abbaccio says something along the lines of "if we treat your wounds now, it's less trouble for us later. It saves us time and makes you not as weak," which under normal circumstances would've sounded cruel and cold, to Jotaro sound Perfectly Logical And Make Total Sense

and from there just. everyone slowly learning more and more about this aspect of Jotaro's past. Of splitting their time between trying to help Jotaro and do whatever they can to make him happy and safe and tracking down the User to fix this because they learn about Jotaro's illness and realize Oh Fuck We're On A Time Limit. Maybe at some point they end up calling Polnareff, Sherry and Kakyoin. Maybe at another point Jotaro finds Giorno's picture of Dio and Giorno finally gets to learn why exactly Jotaro hated talking about his father

[aspd-culture]

I'm miserable. I've relapsed in my ED and the only person I can truly confide in is my exception. Except he's going through some very heavy shit right now and likely doesn't have the energy to check messages. Yet I can see when he's online and no matter how much I try to calm myself down it still feels like he's consciously ignoring me and it's making my spiral 100 times worse even though this isn't his goddamned fault. I have to use so much fucking energy right now to keep myself from lashing out and I want him to fucking BE HERE FOR ME WHEN I'M HAVING THE WORST RELAPSE OF MY LIFE and it fucking hurts but I know I need to give him space and its so fucking hard. I'm alone and there's no one to talk to and I can't shake the irrational fear that he fucking hates me and that my issues have finally scared him away. Why can't I stop being so selfish, he's going through an even worse crisis right now and I just want him to myself, what's wrong with me?? Why am I in so much pain and WHY am I so fucking entitled???? it hurts, everything hurts. Everything fucking hurts and I just want it to stop.

I feel this so much. For people who have as much trauma as pwASPD do, especially since it usually develops from not being taken care of/supported properly in your trauma, it can be very difficult for us to tolerate having to go through things by ourselves when the people around us are struggling themselves/don't have the bandwidth to help us. It's a painful reminder of the struggling we did as children when there was absolutely no reason we shouldn't have been taken care of.

There's no easy one-size-fits-all answer to how to make yourself feel okay with this. The answer may just be to try to do your best to accept and feel these feelings and just not take them out on that person. It's ok to privately feel like you're entitled to their help and feel that anger as long as you aren't externalizing that. At the end of the day, what you're feeling is real and valid even if it is not by prosocial standards a rational, typical, or "acceptable" reaction. If you're not dragging them into that feeling, you're doing a great job already.

But that doesn't make it easier for you, of course, and not taking it out on them is not an easy task. For me, I am basically constantly reminding myself during situations like this that I am not that helpless child anymore. There are things I can do for myself to make my situation easier to some degree. I am able to support myself a lot better than I used to be able to. This helps remind my brain that this is not the situation it was as a kid, where to survive and adapt properly, I needed that external assistance for almost everything. I am stronger and more capable now. I remind myself that I have gotten through things not many other people have, when I was much younger than I should have been to be dealing with it, and did it almost entirely alone. I remind myself constantly that I can do this. Usually, I don't believe myself, but I repeat these things anyway. The human brain is an easy thing to trick just by simple repetition. If you're able to without feeling worse/triggering yourself, you can also remind yourself in detail of the things you have made it through that were similar or worse than this, and to think you made it through that when you were even younger? This won't be easy, of course, but if you survived those things, this has to at least be *doable*, right?

Sometimes, with things like EDs (which I have sadly spent a lot of time dealing with myself and still struggle with sometimes), I work on distraction - easier said than done, and I do have an advantage from being autistic so I can engage with a special interest which will naturally pull my attention to it without much effort on my part - and the concept of one day (or hour or half hour or ten minutes or whatever amount of time you can say "I would be ok if I only had to struggle for the next X minutes") at a time, then repeat. For me, with my ED, it's usually 15 minutes. So I say, "ok, I can handle this for 15 minutes," and then when that runs out, I reset my internal timer. It's important *not* to use an external timer because that will drag your attention to it. Just keep reminding yourself if you notice the time has passed, "I can handle this for x minutes" and do it again. Sooner or later, the urge will (for the moment) ease up, and you won't notice you stopped counting the minutes, and then you do that again for the next urge. This technique usually gets easier the more times you do it, because as it builds a success rate, you become more confident in being able to handle it for that amount of time and become less stressed by the repetition. The first time you do this method is pretty much definitely the hardest.

As for the person being online, I would try to remember that the internet is often a distraction from the struggles someone is going through. They likely aren't casually online - they are probably using it to cope much like you are. And for the fear that he hates you or has been scared off by your issues, is it possible he might feel the same way right now? Is it possible that he wants to be there for you (if he knows about the problem) and feels guilty that he just can't right now? These things tend to make me feel better, which I don't feel great about but it's true so why not remind myself of it.

Sometimes, when the flare is at it's worst, I let my thoughts go to a very antisocial place. I let myself picture the hell I know my partner goes through at times he can't help me - picture seeing and hearing and thinking everything he does in those moments (he struggles with hallucinations hence the see and hear), and how upset and scared he must be. It makes me feel weird that it helps me, but I think it's something close to empathy? To remind myself how scary it is and feel comfort in realizing he is really, really struggling in his own way and that is why he can't help me? Idk. Maybe it's nothing like what prosocials feel but if it helps, it helps. I know I'm not a bad person for imagining my partner's struggle and feeling relieved because I'm not happy he's struggling - I am just happy that he is not ignoring me for no reason. It also usually makes it easier for me to help *him* when it gets like that, which in turns gives me some distraction from my stuff.

Also, try to keep in mind that you are not being entitled by being hurt that he can't help you. While he has a good reason to not be able to, that is still painful. Humans are meant to rely on each other, and this is just a bit of that instinct that you still have. That's ok, and it's such a good thing that you trust him enough to want his help. And he will probably be so proud of you for making it through this, and so glad that you made it, and he may be pretty guilty that he couldn't help you too.

Again, this might not all work for you, but it's worth a shot.

If nothing else, know that I am here for you, and I believe you can get through this. I am so proud of you for how far you have made it, and I know this relapse will not get the better of you. You are so strong, and I know that because I know the situations that cause ASPD. You have made it through before, and you can make it through again. It won't last forever, even though it feels like it will, trust me. You can do this.

[marshmallowprotection]

How would Ray react to me accidentally bonking my head against the wall while on a call with him 😶 Had this exact thing happen to me cause whenever I get excited to talk about something I move around a lot, and uh... kinda didn't notice a wall there...

I know I'd probs try to laugh it off even if it does hurt quite a bit, but with how much of a worrywart he is... I'm interested to see what he would do!

Ray is the kind of person that immediately assumes that he's doing something wrong every time he talks to you. The last thing he wants to do is do something wrong enough to cause physical harm.

At his core, he doesn't want to hurt anybody but it's hard to say that knowing how far he would go to get revenge to feel better about everything that he's gone through.

But those thoughts don't pertain to you and they don't align with the way he feels when he wants to protect you from the world. If anything, he wants to wrap you in bubble wrap and then put you in a bubble so nothing bad could ever happen. He doesn't want you to get hurt. He's been hurt enough in his life and he is afraid of seeing you in pain just like he is. That's why he goes out of his way to make sure that you don't have to take the elixir.

He doesn't want to see you in pain. If he can do something about that, he will. Of course, he is willing to do what needs to be done to make sure that you stay with him and stay safe but he's not going out of his way to do something malicious. As long as he doesn't need to be afraid of something bad happening to you, that's what he needs to keep functioning every day.

So, any sound of excruciating pain is going to set off his fight or flight response. He might not know what to do at the moment when he hears you yelp, but all he knows is that he needs to get to you as soon as possible. He would already be halfway out of his room by the time you tell him you're okay.

The bare minimum is knowing that you get to wake up, eat, and go to sleep.

He wants to make sure that you have everything taken care of, not just your basic needs but everything else. The bare minimum is knowing that you have everything you need to take care of your needs, but that isn't enough for him. Even if you're satisfied with that, he won't be. He wants to give you the full experience of being treated like the most important person in the universe. Because you are the most important person in his universe. You just haven't learned it yet. That's why he works himself to the bone.

It doesn't matter how exhausted or broken he is, as long as you get to smile.

Your smile is his smile.

Even if you try to rationalize everything to him and remind him that you're not really hurt, he's not going to be able to believe that until he can see you. It's nothing against you. It's not that he doesn't trust you. Why wouldn't he have trust for you? It's more so the fact that he simply cannot handle the fact that you got hurt on his watch.

That's the way his body responds to the situation. Even if somebody was holding him back, he would be pushing them out of the way so that he could get to you before it was too late. Even if you get a paper cut, it feels like you got shot to him. Every minor little thing feels like a major thing. It doesn't matter if it's a paper cut or a bullet wound, his fear and shame are the same.

That's just how it is.

He's been trying to do everything he can to make sure that doesn't happen. How could he let that happen? So, his heavy insecurities are going to instantaneously eat away at him no matter what happens. That's the bad news. Imagine this for thought, he puts down everything he's doing to come and check on you as soon as possible. He has that look in his eyes that says he's afraid that you've been hurt beyond recognition, even if there's only a bump on the back of your head.

The first thing he does is give your body a glance over for anything that could have been done to you. Once he has a good idea of what you need, he makes sure that you have it as soon as possible before he begins to apologize profusely for putting you in that position in the first place. Even if you don't forgive him, that's okay, as long as you're happy by his side even when he makes mistakes like this and you get hurt. Be prepared for him to baby and coddle you going forward. He's already guilty of that in many ways but it can only get worse from this point.

His concerns for your well-being sometimes override his insecurities for being the cause.

That means you're practically glued to his side when he can make it happen. Curled into his embrace as you walk together so he can make sure that if anything goes wrong, he's the one that falls on the ground and you stay safe on top of him. The part that may feel the most overwhelming is when he changes your room around to remove anything that could hurt you and the updates to it are soft and could hurt you in no way. His paranoia means well, because he doesn't want you to suffer, but it can be a little overbearing.

"I'm sorry, prince/ss. I'm so sorry. I'll make sure that you never get hurt again. Don't worry, I'll take care of all the details so all you need to do is sit tight and stay pretty."

[busterpoint]

Sequel to the previous post for all the fellas who enjoyed the previous one! Still takes place just after the events of painful, debatably just after the start of jpyful too now?

The reading is again, below the cut.

---

So a crow and a cat walked into a bar. Nah he's kidding. The crow cackled, cleansing his hands clean at the nearby water pump. The heavy scent of diesel hung in the now still air. Only the sounds of his laugh echoing in the distance.

He was certain his new friend would be chilled to hear him. The cat was still plenty weary of him, as one should be. The crow was always worried he would lose control at a moments notice. He couldn’t blame him. Not to mention a whole army wiped out in a matter of minutes. Must've been traumatizing. This world is an abuser for decent folk. Turning the most clueless into cannibals and the kindest into beef stew. Niceties had no place. No how are yous. No more, my day was good thanks.

Actually, he didn't feel so bad. Those memories were fuzzy and distant. No more than a previous life's intuition still echoing in an amnesiac's mind. The flash takes all, doesn't it? Not just women, but memories. God, the crow couldn't remember anything about who he was. Should he seek this past out anyways? Was it worth it? Or was the monster truly him, before he became what others would call as such?

There he goes, holding on too much. Getting lost in thoughts like this gets you killed, Sergei. The task at hand was more important. To seek out a ration for Clint and maybe something to tend to his wounds. A lighter would suffice if he had any holes to be closed. The crow's array of sewing supplies had medical uses too, uses he's thanked many times.

The dead driftwood-esque walls made him claustrophobic. He supposes it was to shift with the times. Eyeless creeps enjoyed these closed halls. They stank, stank of sweat and men. The smell of sleep left in the linen on the grounds. The stench of death rotting away. Antiseptic lingering faintly. A hospital of sorts. A dark, dank one. Straight out of a horror film or a voice that told him it felt like silent hill. Whatever hill this was, which it wasn't, was far too nasty.

The pros of being here, however, was the likelihood for supplies. As long as the dead didn't feel like rising. Bones, maggots, fungi, and whatever else shouldn't bother him. He rumaged through creaky cabinets. Nothing nothing nothing. Ah. Bandage roll. Free of moths, looks clean enough. He slipped it into his secret pocket of the poncho.

Having only one arm had its benefits. Like having a secret pocket to pretend he still had another limb. But that's where it ended. The poor stub left over was worth looking a little more normal. Better than dragging around heavy, dead, cancerous looking weight. Pain hadn't felt the same since he'd changed. That wasn't important now though.

The crow sighed, rumaging around further. Still nothing of use. Would the cat eat raw meat? No, he couldn't force him to do that. As monstrous as he felt, he wasn't that horrible. The cat didn't deserve going through what he had too. Ah, horse jerky. That'll do.

Returning to him, the crow knelt down beside him. "Can you stand?" The cat shook his head. "I'm... Not sure... Everything hurts..." The cat made a move, but the crow stopped him. "Clint. Don't hurt yourself further. I fetched some supplies to help tend to you, I just wanted to see if we could get out of this literal blood bath so I can look at you better."

He patted the cat's head, careful of the spike, before getting closer. "I'm not strong enough to carry you, but if you want to try to get up now... I'll help, Clint." He flinched away, uncertain. The crow understood, but knew if he wanted to be patched up he'd have to put some trust in this stranger. "Clint, please."

The way his name rolled off the tongue felt strange, but the crow felt as if a name held weight against someone. Not in a bad way necessarily, but to keep them focused. Repeating his name multiple times was key to gaining his trust, to show he cared. In which, some would say he's heartless since the crow debated on leaving him in the first place. This cat could be a nice ally though, he lived. That's what mattered to him.

"Sergei... Just... Give me space. I can get up myself." Bold, the crow thought, backing off of the cat. Using his name no less. Second in command, right? He must've been jealous of Rando, no? The crow hadn't known much about the army, but who hasn't heard of Rando? Maybe, he was overanalyzing things.

The cat got up to one knee, before shakily standing again. The crow reached to help, but a swat of a hand told him otherwise. "Alright. Where to, Sergei?" That voice never faltered, hm? Consise, clear, unwavering, and loud, but not yelling. Even in this state, the cat's voice held strong. Impressive.

"There's a cave just down the path, if I'm not mistaken. We can camp in there and I can take a look at you." The crow started moving along, passing by the cat. He stared for a few moments before getting the message and following. The masked man stopped for a few moments, looking back to make sure he wasn't too far behind.

Thankfully, it was smooth sailing outside of there. Past the carnage was an old building. Inside was a pained monster who lie in defeat. It reminded the cat of Rando. Master Armstrong, or whatever that man had once meant was long gone now.

And there it was, the little gap in some rocks. In the blue of the landscape it was like an abyss. A dark navy spot in a clear and... "Welcoming" ocean. The ocean wasn't very welcoming, actually. Let's not dote on shitty metaphors like that, thought the crow.

It's less dim inside than it looks. An empty little hideaway free of human interference. It wasn't big or anything. Just large enough for maybe cramming 4 people in, it could house 3 people shoulder to shoulder. It was fine for just the two of them. As long as it did the job. The crow sat down, checking his belongings. The car warily sat on the opposite end of the small area.

Caves felt rather relaxing compared to old homes. Just the hum of the wind by the entrance, lacking the dust hanging in the air and yellow-eyed freaks of nature. It was cool inside, the walls are dimly lit by the outside light. Though, it wasn't pitch dark! Just enough to see, that's all it needed to be.

"Clint." The crow pulled the horse jerky from his poncho. He kept his back leaned against the wall due to a lack of an arm. The cat watched, reaching forwards and taking the offering. "Eat something, then I'll look at your wounds. I can stitch up the real bad ones the food won't cover."

Now that he says it, the crow finds it odd how food works now. Never in his fuzzy past could he recall any food that magically patched up gunshot wounds. Of course, food doesn't help when you're decapitated... Not now. This wasn't the time to think about ripping heads off in one fell chomp.

The cat realized what he was given, and started to eat, stopping halfway through. "I don't have any open wounds, just burns." Good. That takes the discomfort of stripping off the list. The cat had started looking a little more lively now too. His motions didn't shake or creak, nor were they slow from pain and uncertainty. Ah the wonders of this new world. Not that he remembers living before it, oh well.

"Need to be patched up or anything?" The crow offered, his hand ghosting over his pocket in preparation. "No Sergei. I'm good now. I just need proper rest." He has his attention, it was strange hearing his voice relax now. "Then rest. I'll stay and watch, sleep is the last of my worries." The crow watched his movements carefully. His gaze said he wanted to say more.

Silence began again. The crow stared at him, waiting for him to speak. The cat laid down, as if he decided against it. Oh well, it wasn't worth looking into, it's not like the crow would ask for a pillow either. They didn't have any. That's what he'd assumed, not wanting to assume anything more. "Sleep well."

[bleak-eastern-plains]

1995

My story starts in 1995 in post-communist Romania, six years after the collapse of the Berlin Wall, four years after the collapse of the Soviet Union.

1st of January. Prices skyrocket 20 fold compared to 1994. People can barely afford basic necessities; defaults on credit become common place. The shock is too heavy. People die.

Factories close down, machines break down, the symbols of glory past are sold for scraps.

In 2023, 1 US dollar = 4.45 RON. In 1995; 1 US dollar = 2500 RON; (sevenfold rise since 1992)

One of the last symbols of communist resistance, Corneliu Coposu passes away. 100.000 people attend his funeral.

On June 22nd, Romania officially applied for EU candidacy. It would take another 12 years until Romania would be accepted in the European community. Even then, countries like the UK impose discriminatory treatments on the movement of people. Food for thought regarding Ukraine's ascension to the EU, a country destroyed by war and plagued by political corruption. The European Community was harshly skeptical of the non-soviet countries to begin with, even during times of peace and complete agreement.

Close to year end, I am born.

In the United States Ebay becomes public. The first DVD is released. In Romania, my parents count coins, trying to figure out whether to pay the loan for the TV or not. Prices for baby formula almost drive them to bankruptcy.

My mother takes one year off university to take care of newborn me. We are a one income household. My father is a junior working in the police force, a job he never wanted, but all the factories were being sold for scraps back then. Jobs are scarce. My father is a pragmatic man with a newborn baby.

My mother told me that at first we stayed at her parent's place. She couldn't get along with my grandmother about how to raise me. We moved to my aunt's apartment. I don't remember it well. I have memories of a nice Saint Nicholas' where I received a huge bag of toys from my aunt. It was full of Kinder Surprise chocolate eggs toys. For me it was heaven. I don't remember when this happened, but it would be impossible to have happened the year I was born.

Eventually we move to our own place. We live in an inter-war era bourgeois little house. We have a beautiful garden that my mom tends to. For her it's therapy. For me, it's a fairy tale. The house was split between family members. The room that connects the rest of the house to the bathroom is owned by a spiteful elderly woman. We live in the house for 10 years. She never agrees to lease the room to us. No reason is given. It doesn't matter. Everyone is feral. Freezing winter or scorching summer, we have to walk around the house to reach the bathroom. For me it's normality.

I was lucky somehow. I was the first born granddaughter in a huge family. Everyone had love to give me. Nobody had much, but they gave me everything they had. I was the symbol of the new generation. I didn't have to compete for resources, there were no other cousins. For 10 years, I was the only child. In 2005, my first cousin was born, then another, then another, then another. In total, we are five cousins. I don't have siblings. My parents couldn't afford a second child.

The collapse of the Soviet Union is a shock for the whole communist block. The inflation destroys the lives of those already impovrished. Ceaușescu's decades long crusade to pay all the external debt, although successful, meant the rise of poverty. You couldn't get your hands on enough of anything: food, clothing, light, heat; everything was rationed. Society became ferral; stealing was justified since there was no other way to support yourself and your family. This habit stayed with the people even after 1989. By 1995 people are desensitised to pain, poverty or destruction. Kindness or charity are dead. Baby me is clueless.

These times stay with me to this day. I don't understand my cousins who grew up after Romania became a part of the EU. They say it's not that bad. We live in two different countries. I became a chest preserving the trauma. I am writing to let the people know what happened, why I am the way I am, to explain to the younger generation why we left and discarded the Romanian identity. Maybe this will make space for new emotions in my heart. Maybe this will heal it, and I will forget it. Maybe one day I will not feel guilty for splurging on something I don't need for survival.

[cassynite]

4 and 31 for Sparrow and 5 and 32 for Vonzi?

Thanks so much for the questions!!

Character Development Questionnaire

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

Yes--watching her brother die completely changed Sparrow. He was her rock, the center of her life as a child, the one person who she loved unconditionally and who loved her back in turn. Seeing his death and being ripped away from her life into the nightmare of slavery deeply affects her. She becomes quiet, nervy, and develops a fundamental belief that anything she loves can be ripped away or will disappear at any time. This is only exacerbated by Gregoriath's tutelage, where she learns it's best to never state her true thoughts, show emotion, or let anyone close. But the foundations of those personality traits all start when the one person she thought would never leave dies in front of her. It doesn't matter that Crow didn't mean to abandon her. It doesn't really matter that Sparrow might learn decades later that he didn't really die. She learned that day that the things she cares about are ephemeral and are never guaranteed to remain, that there is no anchor in her life. Sparrow rarely talks about this incident; it takes a long time for her companions in the Crusade to even learn she ever had a brother. The most people will ever learn about him is that he died; the only person she ever truly talks about the event in detail to is Daeran.

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

Ngl this one was hard to answer...Sparrow's always mildly uncomfortable in my head lol. I think Sparrow is most comfortable out of the public eye with only people she loves nearby--somewhere intimate, quiet, casual, where she knows the company won't judge her. When the work is done and she knows she's around people she can trust, she's finally able to let down her guard. Near the end of the Crusades, the campfire with the party she traveled with became a place for her to finally relax and enjoy time with friends.

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

This is such a good question and I never know how to answer it 😅. Vonzi's frostbitten hands pain her from time to time and numbness is ever-present, so she's always carrying an extra pair of gloves so she's never doing things with her bare skin. She also has an emergency bag of holding tucked away somewhere, usually with enough money to keep her afloat for a few days as well as emergency necessities like healing potions, rations, and a spare set of clothes. Beyond that though probably not much! During the events of the game I think she gets in the habit of collecting notes in her pockets with reminders for herself that she makes while she's lucid, so when she's delirious and not really able to remember/think straight she can try to keep track of important things.

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

Vonzi's most uncomfortable when she's given duties or thrown into positions she feels unprepared for or doesn't have the skills for, especially if the stakes are high. It's one of the few times she'll get genuinely nervous, because she hates embarrassing herself and failing. No one is ever going to know that she thinks she's gonna fall flat on her face, though. She'll fake it till she makes it or die trying.