#it doesn't hurt that he's bringing up topics that distract people but guess what

[twiensat]

.

[rispwr]

still with you - JK - SPECIAL - FINAL

pairings : ex!jk x ex!reader, barista/producer!yoongi x reader

genre : fluff, angst

context : after everything that happened, yoongi can't keep this a secret to himself. you deserved to know, little did you know he has a special suprise for you.

word count:1k+ words

warnings/contents : dirty talking, slutty lingerie, yoongi LOVES YOUR BOOBS, oral (m recieving), big c yoongi, praising, yeahh

songs : right side of my neck, the part and after the party, die for you, pied piper.

Yoongi's POV

It's been four years since I managed to get Jungkook and his wife thrown in jail. 

Four years of keeping this secret from Y/N.

 Every time I look at her, the weight of what I'm hiding grows heavier. I know she deserves to know—she has the right to know that justice was served, that those who hurt her paid the price.

 But how do you bring up something like that? How do you tell the person you love that you went behind their back to make sure the people who hurt them were punished?

I've been waiting for the right time, but maybe there's never a perfect moment for something like this.

 The thought of telling her, seeing the shock and pain on her face, has kept me silent for too long. But now... now I feel like I can't wait any longer.

As I sit on the couch, trying to distract myself with mindless TV, an idea suddenly comes to me. A way to tell her that doesn't feel like dropping a bomb on our lives. It's not perfect, but it's better than this gnawing silence.

"Heyyy, babyy! I missed youuu, hm," Y/N's voice rings out as she bursts through the door. She doesn't even pause before she's in my arms, wrapping herself around me like a warm blanket. I hug her back tightly, lifting her chin so I can see her face. There's something about the way her eyes light up when she sees me that makes everything else fade away. I lean down, brushing my lips against hers in a gentle kiss. "I missed you more," I whisper against her lips.

We pull back slightly, just enough to look at each other, but I don't let go. My hand stays on her waist, grounding us both in the moment. She looks up at me with that curious glint in her eyes—the one that always makes me think she's up to something.

"Hey, babe," she starts, her voice soft but teasing. "My friend Joonie told me that Jungkook and his wife went to jail four years ago?" She pauses, watching my reaction closely. There's a slight smile on her lips, as if she finds the whole thing bizarre.

Relief floods through me, but I keep my expression neutral, not wanting to give anything away. "Mhm?" I hum, encouraging her to continue.

She tilts her head, that small smile still playing on her lips. "Crazy, right? I didn't even know that. Do you know why he got into jail?"

I force myself to shrug casually, keeping my tone light. "I've heard some things, but I don't know the full story," I lie, letting her take the lead in the conversation. My heart pounds in my chest, but I keep my face relaxed, waiting to see where she takes this.

She nods, her expression thoughtful. "I guess it's for the best, though," she says quietly. "After everything... it feels like some sort of closure, you know?"

I nod along, my throat tightening at her words. I want so badly to tell her the truth, to show her that I was the one who made sure justice was served. But I bite my tongue, knowing it's not the right moment yet. Not here, not now.

As the conversation shifts to other topics, I can't help but feel the tension ease a little. We talk about our plans for the evening, and before I know it, Y/N is inviting me to watch horror movies with her later that night. I agree, relieved that she doesn't seem to suspect anything.

Weeks pass, and Halloween is just around the corner. Y/N's been talking about it for days, excited to spend the holiday with her family. She loves Halloween—everything from the spooky decorations to the scary movies, it's like she's a kid again. I decide to surprise her, booking us a Halloween vacation with her family.

The night before we leave, I take her to get her nails done, making sure everything is perfect. I want this trip to be special, not just because it's Halloween, but because I know what's coming. I've been planning this for weeks, and now it's finally time.

We arrive at the vacation spot—a cozy cabin decorated for Halloween—and Y/N is absolutely in love with it. The place is decked out with all the classic decorations: carved pumpkins, cobwebs, and a few strategically placed skeletons. It's perfect.

As we settle into our room, I turn to her, my heart pounding in my chest. "Hey, I have a present for you," I say, trying to keep my voice steady. She looks up at me, surprised but intrigued.

"A present? What's the occasion?" she asks with a grin.

"You'll see," I say, my tone teasing. But then I take a deep breath, my expression growing serious. "But before I give it to you, you have to promise me one thing."

She looks at me curiously, her head tilting to the side. "What's that?"

"You have to promise me you won't be mad," I say, my voice soft but firm.

Her brows furrow in confusion, but she nods slowly. "Okay... I promise."

I walk over to my bag, pulling out a folder that I've kept hidden for four years. My hands tremble slightly as I hand it to her, my heart in my throat. "This is for you. Everything you need to know. Just... take your time with it."

She takes the folder from me, her expression shifting from curiosity to something more serious. She opens it slowly, her eyes scanning the contents. As she reads, I see the color drain from her face, her eyes widening in shock and disbelief.

"Yoongi... what is this?" she whispers, her voice shaking.

"It's everything," I say quietly. "Everything that happened. the reports and the justice that was served. I... I made sure they paid for what they did to you. I couldn't let them get away with it."

Tears well up in her eyes as she continues to read, her hands trembling. "You... you did this? For me?"

I nod, my heart breaking as I see the pain and disbelief on her face. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I just... I wanted to protect you. I wanted to make sure you were okay before I brought all this up."

She looks up at me, tears streaming down her face. "Yoongi... I... I can't believe you did this. I thought..."

I move closer, wrapping my arms around her as she breaks down in my arms. "You don't have to live with it anymore," I whisper into her hair. "You're free now, Y/N. You're safe."

We stay like that for a long time, holding each other as she cries. I can feel the weight of the past four years finally lifting off her shoulders, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Later that evening

after she's had time to process everything, I ask her to come downstairs with me. She's still a bit shaky, her emotions raw, but she nods and follows me.

When we get downstairs, she gasps in surprise. The room is decorated in a soft, romantic purple theme—her favorite color. There are fairy lights strung up everywhere, casting a warm, magical glow over the room. In the center, there's a small table with candles and flowers, and in the background, our favorite song is playing softly.

"Yoongi... what is this?" she asks, her voice filled with awe.

I take a deep breath, my heart pounding in my chest. "This... this is the second part of your gift," I say, reaching into my pocket and pulling out a small velvet box. I drop down on one knee, holding the box out to her. "Y/N, these past few years with you have been the happiest of my life. You've brought me more joy than I ever thought possible, and I want to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you've made me."

I open the box, revealing the ring inside..an elegant design that I know she'll love. "Will you marry me, Y/N?"

Her hands fly to her mouth, her eyes wide with shock and happiness. Tears well up in her eyes again, but this time they're tears of joy. She nods, a sob escaping her lips as she whispers, "Yes... yes, Yoongi, I'll marry you."

I slip the ring onto her finger, and she pulls me up into a tight hug, burying her face in my chest as she cries happy tears. I hold her close, feeling like the luckiest man in the world.

As we stand there, wrapped in each other's arms, I know that this is just the beginning of our forever. 

later

we then get to our room as i slowly put her on the bed. "baby i love you so much" she said wrapping her arms around my neck, showering me with kisses. "you've been a good boy" she then says as her hands makes its way from my neck to my lips, her thumb caressing my bottom lip, sending shivers down my spine. 

"mhm?" i hummed "i think for everything you've done for me all these years...you need a reward" she gives me a seductive smile. "i think i do" i replied to her. 

my lips then brushed against hers. our kiss becoming more and more intimate, her hands makes its way to unbutton my pants. "impatient much?" i chuckled "mhm so what if i am?" she says. i then pull up her grey silky dress up, revealing her purple lacy panties. 

soaking wet. 

"may i?" i asked her, making sure i have her consent. "ofcourse you can yoongi" she nods 

i then rubbed her clothed, soaking folds. "so wet?" i look at her making eye contact as the more i rubbed the more she releases her arousal. "please yoongi" i then finally take off her dress revealing her bra. 

her lacy purple bra with a tied bow that i needed to untie in order to take it off. "like it? it's your reward baby" she says, smirking at me, her fingers drawing patterns on my arm. "costume made?" i ask as she hummed. 

"best present ever" i murmurred as i gently untie her bra, taking my time to be gentle as much as i can. 

the bra fell revealing her bare breast. i then starts circling my tounge all over her nipple as she lets out whiny noises. 

she then stops me and orders me to sit down, my back resting on the headboard. 

"okay princess. whatever you want" i follow her order and do what she told me to do.

she then lays on her stomach, unzipping my zipper and pulls down my pants along with my underwear. 

she took her hands and teasingly started stroking it "mhm?" she says as she fastens her pace. i rocked my head back from her touch "fuck y/n" i grunt as she then starts putting it in her mouth.

normally with anyone of even my hand it would always take me so long for me to come but with y/n fuck. just her and that slutty lingere can already make me come. 

i felt my orgasm starts getting close "fuck y-y/n...i-i-i'm c-close" i stuttered from all the pleasure i've felt. "can i come??" i asked her, panting. sweat dripping over me. 

as soon as i saw her nod i then finally release my come. she took her mouth away taking my cock to her face as i release my cum on her face. 

she then gives the tip of my cock a kiss before going to me. 

i cupped her face "fuck. you're so beautifull" i praised her, taking my white release from her face to her breast. 

we then switched places. she was now under me.

"can i?" i asked again as my tip brushes her entrance. "mhm" she nods. i then put my cock in, giving her time to stretch herself and adjust to my size. "tell me when i can move" i tell her. "you can m-move now" she replies. i then start to thrust into her, my hands cupping her boobs. 

"f-fuck.. you drive me so crazy y/n" i grunt as i fasten my pace. i then took my hand from her boob to her clit, circling it making her body arch from the pleasure. "a-ahh yoongi!" she screams "like it??" i asks her "m-mhm" she moans. "words baby. words" i said lifting her chin "yes! yes.. please" she replies to me, her eyes rolling back from the pleasure. 

"i'm cumming" she says "me too" i reply. "c-cum in me yoongi. please" she begs me. 

i then finally felt my orgasm again as i finally release into her, covering up her walls into white as our cum mixes together.

i then pull out and gets a wet wipe from the bedside to wipe the mess i made with her, giving her aftercare. "you tired?" i ask her as she gasps for air. "no. care for a round 2?" she fires back making me chuckle "such a dirty girl"

few weeks later Yoongi's POV

The room was filled with soft laughter and the faint sound of wedding planning. Y/N and I were sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by swatches of fabric, invitations, and a laptop open to various wedding venues. It was one of those rare, quiet moments where everything felt perfect.

"Yoongi, what do you think of this color scheme?" Y/N asked, holding up a piece of paper with a mix of lavender and deep purple shades.

I leaned over, taking a closer look. "It's beautiful. It'll look amazing with the decorations we talked about."

Y/N smiled, clearly pleased. "I think so too. And what about the invitations? Do you like this design?"

She showed me a mock-up of our wedding invitation, with elegant script and floral accents. I nodded, feeling a rush of excitement. "It's perfect. I think it's exactly what we want."

As we continued discussing details, an idea struck me. I reached for the stack of invitations and picked one up.

I took out one of the invitations and carefully addressed it to Jungkook. After sealing it in an envelope, I set it aside to be mailed

[marshmallowprotection]

Trigger warning for self-harm /////

Please, feel free to ignore it if it's an uncomfortable topic for you.

You know, Kait… I'm on my last month before the exams start, I have to finish my qualification in art and hopefully finish high school afterwards.

However, the stress and the fact that everyone in my class is very talented… It scares me that I'm not good enough.

I'm all over the place for multiple reasons. But I did had a horrible breakdown Friday where I tore apart old work of mine and, well, I hurt my arm. I'm sure you're aware what I'm referring to.

I'm just a little unstable. My question is just how SE would react, because I'm scared of upsetting others with what I've done.

Would he feel triggered? Frustrated? I don't want to be a burden. I'm just a little scared what he would do/say.

TW: Self Harm

SE Saeran just might be one of the few people in your life who would understand what you're going through. He gets it in a way not a lot of people would. This is a part of his experience as a person, too. It's not like anybody ever taught him that there was a word for what he was feeling or how he reacted to those feelings. So, without going too into detail about what he did or felt, just know that he would get it and the quiet understanding he has is purposeful.

He certainly reacted to himself in a lot of painful and obtrusive ways in the past. There are reminders of the pain he caused himself and the pain that was given to him as a result.

It's with him no matter where he goes and there's not much he can do about it.

These days, he has no energy to destroy himself or rip himself to pieces because it doesn't feel worth it anymore. It doesn't give him the satisfaction that it would have otherwise. It wouldn't help him to feel anything because he doesn't want to feel anything anymore. It's better to be apathetic and not get involved with things that're filled with emotions that he isn't sure he should feel.

Is that the best coping mechanism for him? Probably not, but he's in the middle of learning how to care for himself and it takes time for a person to figure out what does and doesn't work. What he does know is that being with you makes things a little easier on the worst days... as hard as that is to admit.

He's seen and done plenty of things he's not proud of. Why would he flinch or back away from you when you feel a moment of weakness? Of fear? Of shame? Of guilt? You didn't do that to him. Why would he ever do that to you? He has no room to judge anyone, but he knows you're the type to beat yourself up over even the tiniest chance that you could trigger him. Seeing you distressed...

Well, for Saeran, it's like realizing even the kindest person is capable of feeling fear, insecurity, and ashamed.

He doesn't say anything. At least, not at first. He doesn't know the best way to comfort somebody and most of the time, his fear is the reality that he might make it worse by saying the wrong thing. So, he does the next best thing he can think of in this case. He takes you by the hand and leads you into the bathroom so he can clean you up as best he can.

You might think the silence could make it too thick to breathe. But, it's comfortable. He doesn't say anything and you can't bring yourself to admit what you feel. He is gentle when he touches anything that's too tender for you. He makes sure it's taken care of and wrapped up so you don't have to look at it. (He'll offer to wrap it later if you need to avoid looking at it later, too.)

"Listen... I know anything I say isn't going to make this better. In fact, I'm sure that anything I say will just make you uncomfortable in the long run... so, I guess... come sit with me. It's not like I'm the best person to hang out with... but at least, you'll have a distraction from your thoughts... we could... watch the clouds together."

[vsnotresponding]

I’m here for the ask game.

1 Ira

9 sher

13 sher & karma <3

42 Ira

53 karma

50 sher

i love doing this so much thanks lyn <3

1- What’s the lie your character says most often? (ira)

honestly, ira doesn't really lie. she says stuff as she thinks it and doesn't try to soften the blow.

you could count telling Hamza she's "not going to get into trouble" or "going to stay put" or "no I did not hid that bunch of insects on your bed why do you ask" as lies I guess but they both know she's lying so i guess there's that

9- Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive? (sher)

if only he could learn to plainly give love huh, wouldn't that be neat.

I feel that once he learns to he'll be a gentle love kind of dude, specially to karma, in fear of fucking up and hurting others. (he gets called out about it, even by karma). it is a journey™ and it mostly happens after púlsar but he'd eventually give tough love when necessary (mostly to sadaf. she's a little brat. she's also like 5. some would call it parenting)

as for himself, he's extremely tired of the tough 'love' his father gives him :) also he's already hard enough on himself he could use some gentleness

13- When do they fake a smile? How often? (sher and karma)

Sher? every fucking day of his fucking life. on a meeting? fake smile. talking to his father? fake smile. talking to karma? extra biggest fake smile. he always has his assholey smirk on his face. and. it. falls. the. second. he's. alone.

karma did use to fake a smile a lot when his mom was still alive. he didn't want to worry her about his problems so he told her everything was okay (it wasn't). now he just doesn't have reasons to pretend to be okay or happy anyways so he doesn't even bother :)

42- If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be? (ira)

REASONS WHY INVITING ME TO DO A TEDTALK WAS A BAD IDEA. A TED TALK BY ME (IRA)

that's,,, that's it. and this is only in the very unlikely case she would accept the invitation. like, she has the knowledge to give a ted talk about creations and how it all works, and that was probably the reason she got invited for starters, but 1. she's not very good at explaining it, 2. she's not a speech giving person, and 3. she's not talkative at all (unless she's bored and her voice is the only thing she has to distract bother others)

53- Who would / do they believe without question? (karma)

not sher lmao that's for sure

this question actually took me a while to answer. he doesn't think he can trust his friends (garvan, emhi, áine) because he feels like he's not a priority to them/ feels isolated from them and their dynamic and he'd rather keep his thoughts to himself.

during púlsar he ends up trusting 100% in ira ride or die. it's mostly out of guilt of all ira goes through (partly because of his own actions so he's compensating) (my boy is full of guilt what can i say) and he also has no reason not to trust her 100%

50- What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you personally don’t agree with? (sher)

i don't personally agree with how he's going about everything actually, but it's not like he knows another way. he's trying his best. which isn't great. but he's trying

apart from that, the fact that he's being so careful to bring change when people are literally dying my dude hurry up who cares about protocol

[sweetrebelpersona]

16th January 2024 - My Battlefield

You / You're always racking my brain / From the start / When you bought me pain

Here's the thing...

I was in a mood going through my first support session this week after the winter break was over. I was modifying the grammar mistakes in my job role analysis presentation that I had to hand in in a week (singer-songwriter, of course). Why bring it up exactly? I guess I'm an idiot for not paying attention to what I'm doing because I easily get distracted by something.

Why / Does life have to be like this / Stupidly / If I'm a total bitch?

As a woman with autism, I must rely on myself and correct the grammar errors in my presentation or essay, whichever format I'm using for this module (I picked the presentation because I want to present the job role discussion in class). Eventually, I continued to sort out these errors in a separate slide on an individual topic and I realised that what I did that morning was something I regretted.

Got too many reasons / Why I acted like / A diva / Which meant / I'd take a breather and

Upon listening to a sound clip of a song that the student group was doing from last week's musicianship session, I turned my pot-fuelled rage from this morning to a powerful and uplifting anthem about overcoming the hardest things in life as a person using the term battlefield as a metaphor when you're ready to face the ultimatum at war upon your mind, body, heart and soul like a true warrior.

Start my own commandment / I'll be running rampant, I'll follow / My heart when engaged in combat / Now is the time when I attack / This here is my battlefield

The song is made to bring up hope in a person as a soldier would do because if you're angry at the inability to concentrate on the simplest things in life, chances are, 100%, that it'll be your fault for inflicting your rage upon yourself, thus making a negative impact on your mental health. But despite that, a person is thanking someone for becoming the human he/she is when it's trying to help you get your life better in a positive outlook instead of looking at the negative side of things. If you're always leaning towards the negative, that's not going to support you in life...

You / You made me pursue your path / When you said / That you got my back / I / Took the responsibility / Guided by a possibility to dream

...which is why this track was created to inspire people who are struggling with their daily lives, whether it's for their mental well-being or their chances to build a better career and/or future. Just because you are angry doesn't mean that you could get hurt all the time. Pain is healthy but passion is even healthier.

Got so many reasons / Why I often / Need you / So this means I'll take a breather and / Start my own commandment / I'll be running rampant, I'll follow / My heart when engaged in combat / Now is the time when I attack / This here is my battlefield

[skylarmoon71]

Frank Castle (Daredevil) Chapter 8- Final

The day is dying down, and all you can think is that you're happy that you didn't have to lose anyone.

"You were scared."

Frank's statement makes you turn to him.

"Of course I was, you’re my friend Frank."

You brush off the comment. This particular conversation is making you uneasy.

"Don't waste your tears on someone like me. There's only one way things go for guys like me. I already accepted it." He emptied his glass, placing it back down on the table.

"It doesn't have to be that way."

When you invited him over to have a drink, it was to help you let loose. You were still dealing with the fact that you almost lost Frank. Since they both refused to take your word for it, you just invited him and planted a smile on your face for his sake. Now he was saying things that made you think back to that moment.

"Yeah, and what way do you think it's gonna go. I kill for a living."

"You haven't hurt anyone recently. Frank, you've saved far more lives than you've taken. You're not a bad person, so why are you trying so hard to make me feel like you are? "

"Why are you trying to make it seem like I aint. "

You swallow.

"I just think that some people are worth the trouble I guess." Your intention is to laugh it off and change the topic.

"How about another drink?"

You take his glass, heading to the kitchen. You're doing so much to distract yourself that you don't hear him walk up behind you. Your turn to grab some ice, and you run into his body. Straightening, you want to ask if he needs something else. But those dark eyes have you frozen in your spot.

"You don't think I'm a monster."

How could you when you knew the reason he went out everyday and fought. He made himself a monster to society so he could get rid of the people the cops couldn't take on themselves. You never envied his ideology. You could never take a life.

That robber who'd killed your Uncle, you wanted nothing more than to cause him pain. Watch him beg for his life. But in the end, you couldn't do it. Because that's' not what you stood for. It wouldn't have brought him back. Frank, he was just dealt a bad hand. It didn't make him a monster. Because he was changing.

"I don't. You're not a monster Frank. "

Frank looks down, a smile on his lips.

"You really are naive."

"Wha-"

He leans in, and you stiffen. It's a simple brushing of lips.

Nothing about Frank can be described as gentle, but this kiss. It's not just gentle, but warm, brief, amazing. He moves back. Those eyes bring too much meaning to them. You feel as though you're bare. You're the one that reacts this time. Your hand lays on his jaw. Even his features are rough, it makes you smile.

"I guess I am." you reply. Your fingers caress his skin, and he closes his eyes. You move it down, and when it lands on his lips, you trace it.

"Soft.."

You hadn't intended to voice that. You see the way his Adam's apple bobs as his eyes flicker open. It's a momentary battle, then it all breaks. You aren't sure who moves first. It's too quick to tell. Your lips join hurriedly, and you brace your hands on the counter behind when he leans into you.

It's a move to try and regain some control. It's gotten so hot. Frank practically rips his jacket off, and you're fighting to free him of his jeans. His belt drops to the floor, and your t-shirt follows. He kicks his pants off, and you can't wait for him to discard his own t-shirt. 

You rip it open, the buttons dropping to the floor. You bite down on your lip, and Frank laughs, picking you up. You wrap your legs around his waist with a giggle as he starts moving, lips joining and parting. He stumbles a couple times, urging some more giggles from your lips.

"I hope you know what you're getting yourself into Parker."

Oh you know alright.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 9)

Previously we talked about how Natsume gave up on trying to make Mikan hate him in order to support her on her mission to retrieve Iinchou's alice and an antidote for Hotaru's wound. We also discussed his feelings of insecurity and contrasting surrender with not being relied upon by Mikan. He simultaneously accepts that she shouldn't get close and also hates that she doesn't call out to him when she's in trouble.

Today we'll talk about the cementing information about Natsume' life-span, as it has consequences on his relationship with Mikan, as well as the harsh differences between Natsume and the others on this mission.

Chapter Thirty-Six

This arc reveals several things, but this chapter specifically addresses Natsume’s differences from the rest of them. This isn’t his first life-or-death mission, and he has experience with this that the rest of them lack.

When they wake up in the mountains, Natsume and Ruka are quick to try and find information about their surroundings, and Tsubasa establishes that eating should be a priority as well.

Mikan wanted to be useful in this way, having packed food for this occasion. Unfortunately, Pengy is in her backpack instead, having eaten everything she prepared. Natsume is adamant that Pengy be discarded, as it’s already proven itself to be a hindrance. Mikan sticks up for it, saying that it was a gift from Hotaru, but Natsume argues that that’s nonsense.

This is a great example of the difference between them. For Mikan, this may be a noble adventure where she will go on a journey and save Iinchou and Hotaru, but for Natsume, this is his second life. He knows how this sort of thing goes. This isn’t a game, it’s a deadly mission where they might get killed. They could starve. They could get injured. Hindrances like Pengy only increase the chance of that happening, as it’s already shown.

Natsume came along to help the journey be smooth and as safe as possible, so really he's just doing what he came to do.

Mikan promises to take responsibility for it, so Natsume begrudgingly allows it, but there’s tension between them now. Pengy’s behavior needs to be in line, or Natsume will have been proven right.

And then almost immediately, Natsume is proven right.

Pengy gets itself trapped by a flesh-eating plant, and Mikan and Ruka rush to save it. The enchanted trees nearby are awakened and irritated, so they start spitting sap and acorns at each other, with the kids in the crossfire.

Natsume is covered with sap and leaves and, although he is annoyed, doesn’t really react until Ruka is attacked by a swinging branch and crashes against another tree trunk. Because Ruka has been hurt, Natsume goes berserk once again, setting all the trees in the area on fire for what they did to his friend. This is an example of how going berserk can actually be useful, as Natsume is able to take out the threat and keep them all safe.

The tension is even worse now. Natsume had to clean up after Pengy’s mess, even after Mikan said she would take responsibility. Mikan gets defensive and argues, even attempting to downplay the role Pengy played, but Natsume is in no mood to listen. He has a point, after all, because this situation is much more dangerous than any of the rest of them fully comprehend.

The DA class was going to dispatch experts (children, but still experts) to take out Z, and now he's going in blind with very little intel and a group of unexperienced kids who have no idea how dangerous this really is. Natsume comes close to death on a regular basis, and even as readers we have no idea if that regular basis means weekly or even sometimes daily. From what we’ve seen in the Reo arc, we’re aware that Natsume is always prepared to die, but will do what it takes to survive and accomplish the objective. This time, in order to accomplish the objective, they can’t lose their food or get attacked by trees and flesh-eating plants. In order to survive and do what they came for, Pengy should be discarded.

What’s more is that Natsume is angry because Pengy caused Ruka to be hurt, and he’s still upset about it. The damage could have been worse, and Pengy would have been responsible. He doesn’t want something like that to happen again, especially because two of the people on this mission with him are people he cares very much about and doesn’t want to see hurt.

Natsume isn’t usually one to get distracted by tense conversations either. He immediately jumps back into action to alert the others that something isn’t right--they’re in the territory of an embedded medusa alice and are in danger yet again.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Once again, Ruka is put in danger because of Pengy, whom he attempts to save from the medusa alice. This time, Mikan is able to take responsibility, and uses her nullification, amplified by Tono’s alice stone, to protect the both of them from the embedded alice.

This event brings some information about alice stones, but it’s just a taste of what we will later learn. If anything, it’s just an appetizer before the meal that we will have later on.

Natsume, ever observant on missions and always analytical, has been noticing a lack of fruit trees in the area and realizes that the animals that have been sharing the fruits have been traveling through warp zones. Natsume has so far been planning and strategizing, and Ruka, being so eager to prove himself, has been trying to be just as useful. As soon as they woke up, Ruka started communicating with animals to get info, and now that Natsume has brought up another possibility, Ruka instantly goes to work again.

Natsume can see how much Ruka is trying, and because of that, he insists that they all rest, because Ruka has overworked himself. Natsume wants his best friend to feel as important as he is, that he can be relied on. He specifically wants Ruka to know that he relies on him and trusts him, and that he is valuable on this mission.

They are winding down for the night, and Natsume has decided that since Mikan is taking too long getting the water, he’ll go get some himself. In the process, he ends up overhearing the conversation Mikan had with Ruka about alice stones.

Ruka doesn’t reveal much more about alice stones, just says that as they get stronger, they can all make alice stones. Then he promises to give Mikan his stone when he makes one someday, attaching all the romantic intent there with it. He’s content that Mikan swears the same, despite the fact that she doesn’t know what such a promise entails.

Ruka feels guilty for this, and runs to get Natsume.

But Natsume was listening the whole time, and revealing himself would embarrass Ruka, or make him feel even guiltier, so he keeps himself hidden. Even something as small as this is a selfless act.

But he can’t help it that Mikan finds him.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Mikan starts blabbering, but he responds unkindly at every new topic. His biggest concern is that Mikan doesn’t actually know what she just promised to do with Ruka. Natsume and Ruka both know: it’s more or less like a proposal of commitment, like dating or even marriage. She has no idea that there’s a romantic meaning with exchanging alice stones, but he can’t tell her either, because it would embarrass Ruka and put him on the spot. So when Mikan asks what it means, he elects not to say anything and ignores her instead. She has the right to know, of course, but Natsume won’t say it when doing so would throw Ruka under the bus like that.

As a result, there is a long, awkward silence that Mikan doesn’t enjoy, but Natsume can’t break.

Eventually, she breaks it, just to randomly say that one day, when she grows up, if she can make an excellent alice stone, she will give it to Natsume.

You know when you really want something, and suddenly it seems like the stars have aligned in all the wrong ways--you CAN have this thing, but you really shouldn't take it? Yeah, that's what this is. For me, this usually happens with food, but with some people I guess it's more meaningful.

It’s the last thing he expects, and he’s taken aback. He has done nothing obvious enough to deserve an alice stone from Mikan. He’s mean to her all the time, has even argued with her on this very mission, and told her he hated her only a couple days ago. There was so much anger between them because of Pengy, and yet she still promises that she will give him her alice stone. Natsume has a low self-esteem, and thinks the only thing that should be noticed by anyone is what he wants them to notice. His secret kindness doesn’t make up for anything else he does. He should ultimately still be the last of anyone’s priorities. He doesn’t think he’s worth an alice stone, because for years he’s been told that he isn’t even worth his own life.

Persona made it clear to him that the only thing he was good for was his performance on missions. If he cannot service the school, then he is no longer valuable. He should die. And because he does these missions to protect Aoi and Ruka, then ultimately he is only so valuable as long as he is protecting others, sacrificing himself for them. Even before that, Natsume has been self-sacrificing, but to have it drilled into you that your value is conditional--there’s no way something like that wouldn’t have grave consequences on a child’s self esteem.

To be told by the girl he likes that she wants to give him an alice stone… It’s unimaginable.

And he shuts it down.

He reminds her she already promised hers to Ruka, and tells her she couldn’t make more than one with ease. She only needs to make one for Ruka. He doesn’t want it.

Natsume could easily take advantage of the fact that Mikan has no idea what the alice stones mean and accept it. He could tell her what she’s promising. He could ignore her.

Instead, he rejects it, adamantly.

This is just so silly!

They end up bickering and splashing each other with water, acting like little kids (which they are) and getting entirely soaked.

Natsume looks at her, his memory focusing on when she said, “when I grow up.”

"When I grow up..." Damn, Mikan, don't rub it in. That's the thing he's sensitive about!

Natsume rejected her for many reasons. He will put Ruka’s happiness before his own. He doesn’t want to trick Mikan into anything. He doesn’t think he deserves it. It wouldn’t mean the same thing to her that it would to him. And, most tragically, he’s not going to grow up to be able to receive it.

By the time Mikan is able to make a fabulous alice stone worthy to give to someone, Natsume will certainly not be the one to receive it, because he will probably be long dead. Why would he allow her to make a promise that would be impossible for her to keep?

No, he has no choice but to reject her here, stomp out any chance that she would ever consider him again.

They’re both soaking wet, and she’s tugging at her hair, trying to wring it out, and all he can do is look at her.

And then he tells her that her pigtail hairstyle doesn’t suit her. In five years, she should wear her hair down. He thinks she looks better that way.

Might as well tell her now because he won't be around in five years, and wouldn't it be a travesty if nobody let her know?

Natsume has been selfless for most of the conversation, choosing Ruka’s feelings over everything else whenever he could. This comment of his is the first selfish thing to come out of his mouth this whole day.

They were all aged up before, because of the Gulliver candy, and Mikan’s hair had been in her customary pigtail style. We already have the feeling that Natsume likes her with her hair down, since he was so vehement that she didn’t put it up back during the musical. Now we (and Mikan) get verbal confirmation.

He tells her now, because in five years' time, he won't be alive to say it.

He must not think much of this, in terms of how it will affect her. Maybe it felt safe to say something insignificant, like “your hair’s nicer down”, after all the rejecting he’s had to do so far. He had to tell her he hated her, rejected her stone, and argued with her all day. It must be tiresome to lie all the time, especially when his real feelings are the opposite of what he’s letting on. He just wants to let a little of the affection he has for her out, especially when he’s looking at her like this. It’s not a love confession, or a promise to exchange alice stones. If he ever shows any affection, it should be small and almost imperceptible, nothing grand and obvious like Ruka’s. Natsume would never try to purposefully undermine Ruka’s wooing.

It’s not his fault that the smallest comment like that has such a huge impact on her.

They return to camp and find Tsubasa and Ruka absolutely wasted on grapes that Pengy has found. Yet another con on Natsume’s endless list of Pengy cons. Tsubasa sobers up, but Ruka embraces Mikan. In his drunken stupor, it almost seems like he might try to kiss Mikan. Although Natsume might be willing to put his best friend’s happiness before his, that doesn’t mean he’ll allow a wasted Ruka to kiss her. There’s plenty of reasons that could go wrong, after all, and there’s no doubt Ruka would be horrified come morning. So he pulls Ruka off Mikan and together they sleep, with Ruka nestled in the fur of a bear, snuggled up among animals. Natsume is uncomfortable, but he won’t tear his hand away from Ruka’s grip because it’s meant to comfort his friend.

He only separates from him a little later, when he starts coughing uncontrollably and we’re faced with yet another realization about Natsume.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

The chapter opens with Tsubasa watching in concern as Natsume coughs, until he coughs up blood. Once he’s coughed out his blood, Natsume catches his breath and reaches for the healing alice stone he keeps around his neck. For all of Tsubasa’s concern about it, Natsume almost seems nonchalant. He’s not shocked or disturbed at all to see blood in his palm. His biggest concern is that Tsubasa keep it down because he’s being too loud and it might wake up the others.

Because even when Natsume’s life is nearing its end and his body is quickly decaying, all he is concerned with is Ruka. He coughed up blood. So what? All he cares about is that he isn’t worrying anybody. Natsume’s crippling martyr complex manifests here as a complete disregard for his own health, as long as everyone else is ignorant and happy. No matter how concerned Tsubasa is about him, Natsume is never on his own list of priorities.

Natsume is the least important person in his own life.

But he still informs Tsubasa that he’s been in this shape for a year, as a result of going on frequent missions for the school. Natsume has never told anybody this, but Tsubasa already knows one damning thing, so might as well just tell him everything. It must be a relief to him, to be able to confess it, after keeping it to himself this whole time.

Tsubasa is adamant that this is a big deal, and that he wouldn't feel right, letting Natsume continue on the mission while he's in this state.

So Natsume must once again point out that he’s different from the rest of them. His alice isn’t intended for use as a parlor trick or fun little hobby. His is to destroy and hurt, and not just the school’s enemies, but himself as well. His alice is incredibly powerful, a consequence of the life-shortening ability type, and at only ten years old he has an excellent, almost prodigal, grasp on controlling and utilizing it. Natsume can make an alice stone with ease, ignite or put out a fire no problem. And because of his position in the DA class, he’s also tactically and strategically advanced, so missions like the one they’re currently on are nothing he isn’t used to. He’s their ace, and that’s what Natsume is trying to stress to Tsubasa. He’s a great player to have on the team because of his experience and ability.

So don’t fucking spill about it, okay?

Because he’s capable and willing to retaliate, and if he does, it won’t be pleasant.

But what sticks in Tsubasa’s mind (and probably the reader’s) is that all that experience and ability comes at a steep cost, one that isn’t really worth it, not that Natsume has a choice in the matter.

Natsume leaves the conversation, going right back to Ruka and cuddling up with him again. He hadn’t wanted to leave Ruka’s side to begin with, understandably concerned that Ruka should get plenty of rest after a long day of using his alice and then getting drunk. Natsume is more than willing to help Ruka and fret over him, but he never gives Ruka the same opportunity, because he doesn’t want to put anybody, least of all his close friends, in that position. Natsume should be the one caring about people. He should be the last priority to everyone else, just like he is to himself.

And the next morning when Ruka wakes up, confused over what happened as he doesn’t remember anything, Natsume gets right back into the mission. Just like last night with the alice stones, he doesn’t want to embarrass Ruka.

As they continue their journey, Tsubasa continuously tries to voice concern for Natsume while not letting Mikan or Ruka know, as had been requested of him. Natsume responds with insults, because of course he does. Tsubasa then mutters, “And here I was, worrying about you!” but that’s exactly the effect Natsume was trying to have in the first place.

Natsume is really funny though, I think we can all agree.

Natsume has several go-to moves for his selflessness, and though they vary depending on the person and situation, most of them involve him being a jerk. In this case, he is being a jerk on purpose so that Tsubasa won’t worry about him. It’s hard to be overly concerned about a person when they’re bugging the shit out of you, after all. This is absolutely intentional, a technique Natsume uses often.

It backfires on him though, because Tsubasa is frequently surrounded by bratty kids with too much of a mouth on them. As they head up the mountain, Tsubasa keeps his eye on Natsume, who is obviously struggling physically with the trek. So Tsubasa picks him up and throws him over his shoulder to carry him part of the way. Natsume’s annoying attitude only further frustrates Tsubasa to this point. He even threatens to tell the others if he doesn’t comply and allow himself to be carried. Naturally, Natsume fights and kicks and scratches and even bites his way out of Tsubasa’s grasp as Ruka and Mikan watch, dumbfounded, but this exchange shows us two things:

Tsubasa and Natsume’s relationship is slowly evolving. They’re connected now and have a tie beyond Mikan. Tsubasa knows information about Natsume that nobody else does. It forces Tsubasa to see Natsume as more than just a little brat, and forces Natsume to put his trust in this person he’d hated with his whole chest before.

Natsume is extremely uncomfortable when he is being cared for. He’s used to being in the caretaker role, as I’ve mentioned previously in the Reo Arc. Even then, when Mikan carried and protected him, he was quick to encourage her to leave him behind. Now, with Tsubasa, Natsume cannot stand it. It’s not just that he isn’t quite as fond of Tsubasa, it’s also just the knowledge that someone is worrying about him, slowing themselves down and inconveniencing themselves for his sake. He goes out of his way to seem rude and unpleasant to avoid this exact kind of situation, so Tsubasa putting in the effort despite Natsume’s best efforts is distressing to him.

It only makes things worse that all the care Tsubasa is suddenly giving him might give things away to Ruka or Mikan, and Natsume will do anything to avoid that.

Natsume gets his chance for revenge when he kicks Tsubasa down a warpzone with full force, flinging Mikan in right after for good measure. They reemerge near the mouth of a volcano and discern that they must be in the right place when they discover that there's hallucinogenic smoke coming from the mouth. They fall through the crater and end up in a strange room.

Natsume and Tsubasa’s bickering over the large and suspicious door distracts them from the shaky ground which crumbles under Mikan’s feet.

She falls, pulled down by a skeleton. The boys all look on, horrified. Tsubasa holds Ruka back and Natsume reaches desperately for Mikan, calling for her by name, but it’s too late. She’s gone.

The last thing she does is begin to call for Natsume, but she’s lost now. Finally, Mikan is calling for him, wanting to rely on him, but he’s not able to protect her.

The one time she calls out for him, he can't help her.

Natsume has been trying to keep up appearances and the charade of disliking Mikan, but reaching for her with desperation is something he has to do, even if it reveals that he cares. They have absolutely no way of knowing what Mikan will find in that hole, or if she’ll even come back out in one piece.

Chapter 40

The ground closed back up as soon as Mikan fell through. As Tsubasa and Ruka discuss what could have happened, and Pengy cries, Natsume sits and contemplates. He remembers that Mikan is Yuka’s daughter and comforts himself with that knowledge. He will put faith in the fact that Yuka probably won’t let any harm come to her own child and steels himself. Although Mikan has just been forcibly separated from the group, knowing that she’s not in immediate danger is important to be able to keep going on with the mission. That’s Natsume’s specialty after all, and because of him, they can stay focused on where to go moving forward instead of panicking about the ground opening and swallowing their friend.

But his newfound composure doesn’t change the fact that he had acted in desperation already, calling and reaching out for Mikan in front of both Ruka and Tsubasa. As they make their way through the door that suspiciously opened for them, Tsubasa teases him. First he earnestly tells Natsume that getting angry won’t help anything, least of all with bringing Mikan back, but then he continues to prod. He tells Natsume not to blame himself, even though it must be hard for him to deal with not being able to save Mikan after all of his big talk. This sets Natsume off.

It's almost like Tsubasa wants to be blown up.

It hits too close to home because Natsume is blaming himself. He came onto the mission specifically to use his experience to keep them all focused and safe, so that they could be efficient and effective and make it back in time. Despite all his strategy and quick thinking, he wasn’t able to do anything about the sand trap. In fact, he’d been distracted when it first happened. He may be a child soldier, but the crucial part of that is that he’s still a child, so it makes sense that he would occasionally make mistakes. Still, in his line of expertise, mistakes get you or the people around you killed.

Natsume thinks about his new discovery of the stealing alice as he keeps going, having just blasted Tsubasa away from him. He’d never heard of such an alice, but to him, someone with such complicated feelings of hatred towards his ability and what it has always represented, it’s enticing. One touch and he’d be free forever. Maybe he could get what he’d always thought was impossible, what he’d never dared to imagine: an actual future he’d get to see.

Natsume, Ruka, and Tsubasa get led out of the tunnel by lasers into a vast room, where Shiki and a group of other Z members are waiting for them.

Conclusion

We see further proof of what we'd already known: that Natsume has a fundamentally different life than the rest of them do. His arguing with Mikan over Pengy might seem needlessly cruel, but he does have a point and he's motivated by keeping the group as safe as possible. We also talked about Natsume's imminent death, and how his knowledge of it affects his relationships, particularly with Mikan. Most importantly, we can see that Natsume has failed in his primary goal: he was unable to keep Mikan safe.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about how all these conflicts come to a head in the Z Arc, and what the lasting repercussions might be.

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[podkayneofthegalaxy]

I suddenly realized today that the worst-case scenario of my unavoidable trip to see my in-laws for Thanksgiving is *not* in fact accidentally infecting one of them with Covid.

(That's actually a very unlikely scenario given all the precautions we've been taking here since MARCH - and the extra precautions we've been taking for the past two weeks - not to mention our plan of action for while we're there.)

No. The worst case scenario is that one of my husband's Covid-denying plague rat relatives visiting from one of the top hotspots in the state gives it to *him* as a birthday present (his birthday is two days before Thanksgiving) and my husband ends up dying alone on the hospital before Christmas.

And now I'm freaking out. AND I can't even tell if it's like, reasonable levels of freaking out, or just ADHD emotional dysregulation.

And normally, I ask my husband when I don't trust my own brain but I can't this time. I don't want to talk to him about it because...

...He doesn't have a great track record of standing up to his Mother. Like at all. And I *really* don't want to test who would win this fight, her or me. Cause it would probably be her.

(This picture is actually super appropriate because all my online avatars and reaction gifs have been Danny Kaye for months now, AND I think my Mother-in-law looks uncannily like Virginia Mayo. Which I guess makes my husband Vera Ellen. Too bad he doesn't dance!)

So that means we're still going and there's no point discussing it and bringing up the painful topic of how much his parents have changed *yet again.* It hurts him to think about it because we'll, they're still his parents. No one wants to have frank discussions about how much respect you've lost for people you love and used to look up to.

I guess I'll just keep quietly freaking out and thinking about what I will do if he dies. I'm not even 40 yet, I should not be seriously making plans for what to do in the immediate future if my husband dies from preventable causes.

And for some reason, my brain has decided the thing to do is to distract myself by making my in-laws a fucking Christmas present.

[gotmeringinghellsbells]

Thank you so much for doing my prompt, I loved it!（＾ω＾） I'd like to suggest another one if that's okay, but you don't have to do this one if you don't want to :") Maybe a Klance one where Lance wants to tell Keith about his love for tickling, but doesn't know how to go about it? (Since he's afraid Keith would break up with him or think he's a weirdo.)??

“Secret”

Fandom: Voltron Legendary Defender

Characters: Keith Kogane, Lance McClain

A/N: Of course it’s okay! I’m literally asking people for prompts, don’t be shy XD. This too was an adorable concept and I hope my execution of it was was as soft as your idea!

Description: After yet another tickle fight, Keith is left breathless and sore. He’s noticed Lance has been tickling him a lot lately and is curious to know why. Lance, however, isn’t too confident in sharing such information. But Keith’s reaction in the end reassures him it’s fine. 

_

A soft squeal bounced about the cabin walls aboard the Atlas as the black paladin tried to escape the unexpected cuddle. He tried to hide into his fluffy son as to avoid such tormenting hands, but it was no use. Keith threw his head back softly as he tried to curl more into Kosmo, the soul being who was preventing the tormentor to gain access to the bed. 

Unfortunately, that gave Lance more places to roam, rather than being confined to Keith’s upper body, which the red paladin was eagerly taking advantage of. “Lhahahance, sthahahop thahaht,” the older cried softly. His son was becoming a bit curious. He rested his head atop the side of his dad’s face, watching. 

“Come on kitten, let’s go out and have fun, huh?” Lance really wanted to spend time at this fair with Keith, rather than winning toys for someone who would stay in the Atlas. “I dhhahahaon’t whahant thahaho!” Hiccupy giggles became even more feather touched as Lance worked skilled fingers around. The less ticklish areas would give off the most pure sound if touched correctly. 

It was like a siren's song to the Cuban male’s ears! He could just never get enough of Keith’s laughter, or seeing that adorable, true smile. Sure, he loved to hear Hunk, Shiro, and his niece and nephew’s laughs too, but there was just something about Keith’s that was so….. Silky?

He didn’t know, it just made his day ten times better and gave him such soft butterflies! “Khahahosmo!” The wolf was half assedly crawling over his dad to sniff at the other human in the room. He smelt food, didn’t he? Well, Lance had been outside already, looking for Keith. THat’s when an idea hit him. “Kosmo, you wanna go find Adam? Huh? You want Adam?!” Oh did that tail start wagging. Grandpa!

Between Iverson and Adam, they were and even tie of favorites under Keith. The tail brushed along partially covered legs, earning a soft smile as Keith shook his head. “No, Lance stop.” The male hugged his baby as to get more protection or cuddles, but the wolf slipped away before teleporting out of the room. 

No dad, no one to tell him he couldn’t eat x, y, and z! Food-topia time baby, whoo hoo! The leader pouted as he watched the blue light fade away. He was comfy with his big lap puppy! It took the older a minute to notice the smirk radiating from beside him. Oh boy. Glancing up, Keith blushed softly at the threatening face. 

Lance looked a bit charming in all the crepiness of the evil “persona” before two clawed hands really sent the boy nto a panic. He let out a shriek before rolling away to hide in his small bed; Something Lance wasn’t letting happen. He followed after the shorter quickly, finally getting to properly cuddle. “Where are you going kitty, huh? You trying to get away from me?” The red paladin was blessed as anticipating squeals let out. Keith shook his head. “Yehehhes! I dhahaon’t whahahant to ghahaho! Don’t, don’t!” Tactics changed as Keith decided to lay on his back, giggling breathlessly. His blush was still soft, ieyes watering. 

“No,” he stated softly as he pushed the hand away. As soon as he moved it away, it swopped back around and came back into view. Lance snorted. “No?” The older nodded. “No.” Oh, but hads said otherwise. “But, why not yes?” Keith started to giggle a bit harder. “Whahahy ahahre yhahahou tickling meheh so mhahauch lately?” The playfulness was slowly ending as Keith’s sides and stomach started to outweigh the pain from his smile. 

Lance frowned a bit as the question came up. Had he been doing it more than normal? He didn’t think so. “No, I’ve been tickling you the same amount since we started dating back a little before Kuron came in.” The other blinked before shaking his head. “No, we hardly saw each other.” Lance pouted as he thought. “No, no, before you ran off with your knfe dad I use to tickle the snot out of you like… daily.”

“Weekly,” Keith corrected. “Even on our way home you never did this, not this much.” The older rubbed his sides as he tried to relieve the slight tenderness. “Are you alright?” Lance blinked a bit. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Keith shrugged. “You look like something’s bothering you.” Seeing as Lance made his emotions very obvious. 

The taller shook his head. “No. Did I hurt you?” Keith didn’t answer, he just hummed before going to tickle behind his boyfriend’s ear. Blue eyes widened before squeezing shut as the Cuban mae became a snickering turtle. “H-Hehehey!” He turned his head away, giggling more as he noticed Keith fall over to follow him. But, Lance had the advantage of the floor, whereas Keith was tangled in bed by his blankets. 

“Lance.” Keith slowly stopped messing around. He wanted answers. The other shrugged with a sigh. “I don’t know man, I guess your laugh is just too addicting.” If Keith was well, less dense, perhaps he would have thought Lance wanted to calm down with the childish game to distract himself from stresses and other issues that were occurring lately. 

However, Keith is dense, and just wasn’t understanding. “Your lying, your tone is becoming more serious.” Attention to detail much? The other hummed, looking away shyly. He didn’t want to say it, he couldn’t! What if Keith got weirded out? Shiro did say it was something he and Adam used as a playful form of bonding for the other; Just to help bring him out of his shell and remind him he was loved!

But would Lance admitting his fixation with the game be too much? Would it end their relationship? Would Keith think the other was trying to sexually advance over him?! Blue eyes watered. No, no, it wouldn’t be like that, right? Keith knew Lance respected that he was ace, even if he didn’t fully understand what it meant. 

He did know, didn’t he? It wasn’t a kink, it was just fun and addicting! “What’s wrong, why are you crying?” The softness and sincerity in the older’s voice caused the other to shake his head before standing and brushing off his uniform. “Ah, I’m not crying. Just… little…. Mmm.” Space dust? Keith would want to talk about this no matter what. 

One look into that concerned face and the other felt himself crumble. “I’m… strange, alright? Just don’t want to lose you over something like this.” A little more context would be nice. Rather than walking away, like normal, and trying to avoid Keith, Lance walked to the opening hand and let it take his softly. 

That was a first. Sitting down, Lance then started to untangle Keith from the gray sheet and… crocheted blankets? Where did he…? “You seem willing to talk about it.” Of course that’s what he’d say. The taller shrugged. “Well,” his eyes watered up as his tongue tried to stop him. But, soft, loving rubs form the side of the calloused thumb on the top of the tanned, soft hand slowly eased the male. 

“Lance, come on. It’s clearly bothering you.” Concerned was still present on the older’s face as he moved closer. Okay Lance, like mama says, like a bandaid. “I really like tickling.” It was so fast and quiet that it took Keith a moment to process what had been said. That damn word caused Lance to cringe after the fact.

He didn’t bother to explain or anything else, not yet. He just wasn’t there yet. “Okay…. And? I… guess I do too?” Yeah, it was mice when Adam or Shiro tickled him, even when his mom did. So why wouldn't it be when his boyfriend did too? “Huh? No like… I really like tickling. I…. It makes me really happy and I like to tickle… others a lot too.” Keith tilted his head. “I’m not… getting it?” Bingo. Lance started to calm down more. “I guess you kind of are? It’s not like a kink or anything to do with sex or dominance in a seperate veiw. It’s just…. I guess a fun thing I like to do and feel. “ 

Keith nodded. “Yeah, like I said…. It’s fine. I like it too. Maybe not as much, but I do enjoy it. It means safety and…. Bonding.” He gave a bit of an irritated face with the last part. “We’ve had plenty of cuddles since then Mr.! Shush!” The older rolled his eyes before letting go of Lance’s hand and laying back down, offering him room this time as apparently Kosmo had ditched him for Adam, or maybe Iverson. Lance smiled before removing his jacket and pants so he could cuddle comfortably. Keith nuzzled into his chest, listening to the anxious heart beat. 

He smiled softly as he thought of an idea. Lance, however, was trying to change the topic. “So, where did these blankets- gah! Oh no, Keith!” Lance was so flustered, of course his freaking boyfriend had to do this now! Fingers moved up and down his sides in a soft pattern as the younger started to relax. “Adam’s mom and Shiro’s grandma.” Lance wasn’t really paying attention to the answer as he just started to ease his mind of his anxieties. 

Keith was okay with it! Hell, he was tickling him now! “So, should I do this more often,” the smaller chuckled with a playful and arguably flirty smile. “Iahahf yhahaou whahant.” It felt nice when Keith tickled him. He was always light though, afraid to hurt the other. It wasn’t like Shiro where both brother’s would mercilessly dig into each other until one begged for mercy; Or in a newer time: Adam. 

Maybe that’s why Hunk liked being tickled by Keith too, he knew boundaries. Which was why he just didn’t tickle Pidge or Allura at all…. He helped Lance ice those bruises. “Whhahahaoa kay! Keahahaith!” He spoke to soon. The other jumped as fingers wigged under his arms. Keith, however, smiled in absolute delight. How cute!

“You said you like tickling,” he teased softly before stopping to give Lance a small eskimo kiss. His eyes were open, a small blush dusting his face as he smiled. Despite the pants, Lacne felt his lips curl upwards happily. With eyes starting to close, he too blushed, butterflies trying to escape him. Rolling them over to their side, he ran a hand through Keith’s hair before moving in to cuddle him. “So… about the festival outside?”

[ellyzsx]

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me

[zykjhrzqkn1h4m3xyine]

13/02/2019

I bought chocolates for COE yesterday. So I'm giving it to them tomorrow. I woke up at 7:10 today, so I couldn't shower, making this the fourth day I haven't showered. Which is disgusting. I put on dry shampoo though, so it looks more normal. I kind of like my hair this morning.

Now that I'm looking at it, at school, it kinda looks gross. I also forgot to bring my headphones today. I'm extremely uncomfortable with that, so it'll be extremely uncomfortable today. I guess it'll be good practice to go to the library to study in silence. So today is the day of the science quiz probably. I completely forgot to study, holy crap. I remember the people and the dates, so we have democratis, john Dalton, and then JJ Thompson, then his student enerst Rutherford, and then it was Schrodinger? I forgot the last person though. So turns out the test wasn't today, it's actually tomorrow.

So this girl called Fatma, she's joining us from now on, because she had some drama in her group. She's a cool person, and she's nice too, she gave me chips and seaweed. Claudia said she's one to spread rumours though, so I'll be wary of that.

During Pdhpe,

So what happened at lunch was Eve seemed a little angry, but I thought she just was feeling unwell. But while I was going to last period (civics) I was following eve, and Olivia said that she needed to speak to me. She said that Eve was pissed because I kept following her, and Eve is a very private person. And yeah, that's why she wasn't interacting with me. Like I understand that, and I should've seen all the red flags to this, I get it. I should've gotten it earlier though. There were so many red flags, like she complained about Clarissa not giving her personal space, and she also said that if you hang out with someone too much, you get sick of them. Olivia reassured me by saying that it's happened to both her and Clarissa, so it's fine. But during civics, the spot where I usually sat was sat on by Eve and Natalie sat where eve usually sat. So I didn't have a seat. So I just sat by myself in the front row, and I know I shouldn't complain but it felt really lonely and hurt. Reminded me of how alone I am. And Mac isn't a help either because he doesn't even consider me a friend. I was really distracted and sad during last period. It's not that big of a deal. I'll get over it in no time. It's okay.

I didn't go to the library today, but I did do some ISTEM homework. I didn't do any of the homework which I was assigned today, but I will when I get home.

I went to Coles, and target, to go buy glue sticks and chocolate for Fatma. I got $5 from by dad. The guy at coles was so nice, I already spent a dollar at target so I had four left. I saw a bag of Maltesers for $3 and at the cash register, it turned out to be $4.25, so I went to a guy working there and told him I thought I was $3 as he let me pay $3. What a nice man.

I was talking with my mum and we got on the topic of the high suicide rate in China and she said that kids these days are so fragile.