#it doesn't do its job well
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
Maybe the solution is not being so hard on yourself and realizing that if other people who look like you are beautiful, maybe you are too. Self-deprecation goes nowhere, man, just saying
people don't look like me. not usually. and if they do, they're talented. they're smart. they're charismatic. they're healthy.
#anon#typewriter dings#i just want to be pretty. okay?#i want to be charismatic#i want it easy like my siblings#i want to make friendships like breathing like my roommate#i'm tired of everything being so goddamn hard for me#and i hate looking like this#i can't like it#i don't want this to be how i look#i hate being this way#i want to wave a wand and be someone i actually want to be#and not whatever hated by god himself creature i am#i just hate it.#i try. i try. i try to be okay with it.#it's hard.#and i know that nobody actually thinks i'm pretty#because i'm not.#and i can't be okay with that#because my body isn't good#it doesn't do its job well#it has no redeeming qualities#and i hate it#i try to treat it nicely and it gives me nothing#nothing but chronic fucking illnesses#i'm sorry.#vent
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
,
#guess who ordered a 100% cotton mto dress online and received a semi-synthetic blend when it arrived 4 months later 🫠#im not fuming but like. i kind of am. they were like 'oh well its not *synthetic* its rayon--' that's a semi synthetic#also it doesn't matter since the point is that *i didn't receive what i thought i was buying*#they were also like 'whoopsie we'll update the description! thanks for pointing that out!' THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS??#its one thing for the written description to have a mistake while the photos are accurate to what you receive--#but in this case the photos were for a sample dress made of 100% cotton that they just decided not to make and didnt update at any point#so like. how am i at fault for being misled here#this was a 'congrats on finding a job after a year of searching' gift for myself but i'll just sew my own shit from now on i guess#oh and forgot to mention. they told me to cut off a bit of the fabric to do a burn test to test if its synthetic#first off--CUT INTO THE DRESS? Second off--THEY WANTED ME TO MAIL THE CUT SWATCH BACK TO THEM FOR THEM TO BURN? third off--#it still wouldnt be any percentage cotton!! by their OWN admission!! they *said* what fibers are in the fabric!#truly insane. i asked for them to remake it but im now considering changing my mind and asking for a refund instead
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
gonna crawl into a hole why does no-one want to go to my birthday
#haven't had a bday party for like a decade n yk its my 21st so i wanted to be an adult and try n enjoy my bday rather than#doing the usual ungrateful brat who can't stand people trying to celebrate the fact i exist bc i know they don't actually care that much#n just want to do something to feed their own belief that they're doing well by me#its like my neighbour paying me to walk her 2 cockerpoos twice a week n pretending that made up for how much she was neglecting them#like that was the only time they'd get walked n i dont like dogs so i was doing the bare minimum. stopped after a couple months bc i felt#like i was enabling her to mistreat them more#n my friend who does like dogs did a much better job#fuck#but yeah. its great seeing ur best friend hesitate and start making vague excuses as to why she doesn't want to hang out w u for ur birthday#ignoring the fact she refuses to voluntarily spend any time w me outside of uni work n society obligations#it kinda fucking sucks
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
I've started playing Potion Permit, and so far it's one of my favorite games I've messed around with, but the most big brained move the devs made was giving you a dog on day 1, and then making that dog able to track NPCs and lead you directly to them no matter where they are in the town.
#im still early game but i like the play and the writing is passable#like#Theres a flatness#the characters Are distinct but theyre mostly just their jobs#with only a few who stand out and have like. something to really grab onto#Like rue? rues entire deal is little girl you can date. Nothing else behind those eyes. She has nothing better to talk to you about#than the fact her favorite color is red#Sorcelia? Sorcelia is a goth nun who loves singing and teaches one of the village children#Reynerd? sure is a guy#got nothing else to say about him. hes just a Guy™. Victor? Has ghost friends and loves bugs and cares deeply about the cemetery#he tends to. At the moment it feels like they're trying to imply there aren't actually ghosts. and hes just talking to himself/#insisting his imaginary friends are real people#and so far? The games been cool about it. Victor's a member of his community and his eccentricities are accepted and not ridiculed#all four characters ive mentioned are romance candidates. but its just as hit or miss with the regular towns folk#Opalheart is an older woman and a world renowned blacksmith who only takes jobs if they will do Good. regardless of whether or not they#pay well. She declines to make a dagger for a rich man but makes a helmet for a childs father bc the girl asked#and olive is here#anyways you can be best friends with a cat (shes just a regular cat) and i appreciate that#idk im putting it above sun haven in my ranking of life sim games#purely because there are older romance candidates.#no fat romance candidates. but sun haven doesn't have thise either.#and sdv has neither fat or old candidates Nor can you fuck a cat boy. it goes at the bottom.#gameplay wise sunhaven is at the bottom then sdv then potion permit at the top. sunhaven has the Most™ but having#a lot of crap doesn't mean its fun and it ends up making half the game feel really incomplete#idk. Sdv is a game you should've started playing a year ago. sun haven is a game that perpetually needs another year worth of updates#before id say its worth it bc the devs keep pushing content ™ updates instead of quality of life or polish so what is there is uh#Bad. plentiful. and a large portion is good#but a Lot is just bad.#its insincere and cant take itself seriously it gives you (the right dialogue option) an (the shit joke option) which is worse than just#i ram out of space. tldr. potion permit is good Now. sdv Was good. sun haven Might be great Eventually
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
Something kinda tasteless about the way that alongside the concerns of "Batman needs someone to rein in his aggression/edginess" (mostly a meta concern,) "Robin is a symbol of undying hope right alongside Batman, Superman, and the police system," and "now that the thought's crossed my mind I think being Robin would be pretty sweet actually," one of Tim's points for why he should be Robin at the end of A Lonely Place of Dying is "we need to show the criminals of Gotham that they can't just kill Robin and expect to get away with it!" Because. They can. That's exactly what happened.
Using that line of reasoning, Tim makes the claim that the idea of Jaybin's life as disposable and inconsequential is heinous and bad, his killing something impermissible, but instead of disproving said idea they allow it to become true and devote their energy to making sure it doesn't become widely known as such. By covering his death up, they actually are permitting his murder to go unaddressed and deeming it acceptable, even taking away the opportunity for it to be consequential to anyone outside of Bruce's inner circle by not spreading the news. As much as we say "oh Bruce was a great dad because losing Jason crushed him" and "he almost considered trying to kill the Joker one time," he in all tangible areas did not do anything about Jason's death. Setting aside the question of killing the Joker or not, it's still shown in Batman Year 3 that Bruce's reaction to Jason's death in the time til Tim showed up was to hide away everything Jason owned and carry on with business as usual, a little angrier. Bruce didn't make any changes or actually evaluate anything in a significant way after the warehouse and Jason's death didn't warrant any tangible consequence, that's evident from reading the comic. I know some may disagree, and I acknowledge the room for interpretation, but in order to discuss Tim's reason we have to concede that it is explicitly written into this specific comic as something Bruce and Tim both recognize as fact, because it serves as the foundation that this reason is built on: there is good reason for the criminals to believe there would no punishment for killing Robin based on the actions Bruce did or didn't take in response. The concern about the public realizing there are no consequences for killing Robin wouldn't be reasonable if it wasn't true, if there actually were.
While they recognize that Jason's death came to pass largely without consequence, the fact itself is less of an issue to both Bruce and Tim than letting criminals actually find out that it doesn't have consequence. They know it's unjust, the notion that Jason can be killed without repercussion (and in making an effort to minimize his murder confirm it to be true,) but their concern isn't for what actually happened to Jason or the lack of proper response. At least on the vigilante side of things, the problem is public perception and continuing to uphold an image of Batman as just and diligent while permitting him to ignore injustice against those close to him. There's no efforts taken to actually disprove the idea that killing Robin would lack impact, what Tim proposes is just making it harder to prove right.
I think the best way to word what comes across tasteless for me here (aside from the side commentary on the unstoppable might of the institution of police and how it's an exemplar of heroism) is that beyond Tim's victim-blaming of Jason during his stint as Robin, (discussed in more depth by people who can word it better than me,) in the base text of a Lonely Place of Dying, it is foundational to the initial premise of Tim as Robin that part of his motive for being Robin hinges on accepting what happened to Jason as something that cannot be allowed in their pursuit of justice or go unaddressed for reasons completely unrelated to the actual harm, and then intentionally erasing the event and the way in which it was allowed and did go unaddressed. No matter how much it's claimed in later comics that Bruce was faultless and Jason doomed himself, Tim's Robin came to be at least in part (in-universe) as a cover-up for the lack of action taken about Jason's death, and by extension as an effort to overwrite his time as Robin and an individual entirely. And thought it wasn't the way his character viewed it, Tim wasn't passively complicit in it or going along with a poor grieving man, the intentional and deliberate erasure of Jason as a murder victim and the injustice of his posthumous treatment was part of his opening pitch.
#truly just “we can't let them think we do the thing that we do” at its core#because the thing that we do is bad and not fair like we want to look fair and would have consequences we don't want. so they can't know."#i see too much of people saying Jason took Dick's mantle so he shouldn't be mad at Tim when 1. he wasn't mad at Tim for it. didn't happen#and 2. Jason became Robin because Bruce was lonely and Jason was homeless and Tim became Robin in an effort to minimize Jason's death#Jason worried Dick wanted his job back (implying he would give it up if he wanted) and Tim shamed the dead kid he was hiding the murder of#can we spot the differences?#you can't really say Jason's gripe of “my death changed nothing” was off-base#when one of tim's first points on panel was that they should be giving the consequences of his murder the landlord special#i feel like all of the ways in which they made tim “more likable” were just leaning back into the status quo they branched out from#like “Jason doesn't like cops and believes they fail victims? well Tim thinks they're the good-hearted models for what a real hero is”#“Jason has conflicting opinions about cases with Batman? Tim is trying to bring back the true Batman who works exactly like he always did”#“Tim is nice and sweet and comes from a good family and has been there from the start. he respects what Batman is”#he's nice enough but his character is (meta not in-universe) rooted in a return to the safe classics that bring us good sales#idk why fanon props him up as the sad shunned outsider of the batfam when he is fr designed to maintain the norm and not rock the boat#also it's immensely funny to see Bruce accuse Jason of being needlessly violent over his emotional state as Robin#when not only does Bruce do exactly that and only that when Jason dies but he was doing it BEFORE too!#Oh No! he went from brutal to criminals and forgoing proper investigations to being brutal to criminals and forgoing proper investigations!#jason todd#batman#bruce wayne#robin#dc comics#discussion of tim drake#again not using the character tag because this isn't the most nicies#but i honest don't hate him that much
11 notes
·
View notes
Note
How would Riz give bardic inspiration in your class swap au
motivational speech
#not art#fh class quangle#actually I really like that thing from canon where every bad kid is like yeah riz has it super together hes the most competent of us#when its literally just that he has a freelance job lmao#but I love to see that in the case of a bard too. the most competent and on top of it person you know tells you you're doing a good job#that and the other thing is that riz is just incredibly shrewd and detail-oriented And he does know enough about his friends by now to#tell them what they need to hear in the heat of battles. this is fun bc it means his bardics would have to work#at least slightly differently with people he doesn't know as well. honestly I imagine theyre straight up less effective#I think when I described this before in the tags of some post I said he's like someone with the megaphone at a picket line lol#its kind of the vibe I want his bardics to have
37 notes
·
View notes
Text
I feel like it says a lot about the relationships between the major institutions of the Trust and the Consectorship's place in it that Spahr's role, the role of any Prime Consector, can be summarized as: show pony, attack dog, scapegoat.
#Jonas Spahr#Midst#Midst podcast#Midst things#The Upper Trust doesn't see anyone outside of their number as PEOPLE really. Just tools and agenda items.#That does—as Spahr is learning real quick—include the Prime Consector. He might AS WELL be a literal dog to them.#His entire job is to be pretty and do as told and attack who they point him at and take the blame.#The Company and the Consectorship obviously perpetuates its own harms and is a toxic institution in its own right.#(That is not up for debate and is not what I'm discussing here. I'm talking about the relationships between Trust institutions.)#The thing about the Prime Consector is that despite their rank they're strictly managed and have no real agency or power over anything.#Prime Consector is an interesting office in that its role is to distance the Upper Trust and the notaryship from their decisions.#The Consectorship does not truly make decisions. They carry out those of the Upper Trust and the Central Vault.#Do the dirty work and take the blame—to keep everyone else's hands clean.#To be the scapegoat for everyone else's mistakes and lack of foresight or inability to solve a problem.#(obligatory: I don't have a subscription so keep that in mind before saying stuff to me—I keep getting vague comments about upcoming eps)#Midst Cosmos
43 notes
·
View notes
Text
Magenta.
#i lost my job#even though they're not saying its because of my disability it is because of it#I've been applying to places and some of the safety nets i had fell through#im scared right now and feel very betrayed#i got enough to get me through the month but beyond that idk what to do#i have resources im looking into and as most know that doesn't put a dent into finances#i need help#i feel bad for asking and i know i preach people shouldnt feel ashamed#but i do get where folks are coming from with that#the shame is powerful especially when you pride yourself as someone that takes care of themselves#im open to ideas opinions whatever folks want to say#i haven't felt this triggered ptsd wise in a long time past homeless experience and work abuse has been creeping in#I'm trying to get to the good but its really hard seeing it right now after getting screwed for the millionth time#for something i can't control with my body#i guess on a good note that partnership meeting went well#it seems like an excellent opportunity but its also an investment and i don't have the means to put into that right now
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
SAG-AFTRA is officially set to join the WGA in going on strike. No filming, premiere attendence or other promotion of any kind allowed.
I hope to see nothing but support for this decision.
#SAG-AFTRA#WGA#a shame the DGA isn't joining as well#not like their directors are gonna have a lot of work set out for them for the time being#this will have an interesting effect on the media landscape i'm sure#no more barbie premiere dresses#SDCC this year is gonna return to its more humble “nerds unite” roots at this point#i hope the wealthier writers and actors will support those that rely on the paychecks during the (continued) strike#actually i want a-list actors to step up in general#like why do like 5 people get paid a billion dollars for a few weeks of work per year#while their fellow working actors barely manage to book enough jobs to make their health insurance#IATSE should vote to strike again as well now that i think of it#they spend more time than anyone on set and get the least pay#doesn't seem fair#anyway#hopefully this will cause some positive changes in the industry#i don't want to see any complaints about the continued strikes affecting psych 4#i'll block your ass if you do
113 notes
·
View notes
Text
Yeah this is about right (as always my thoughts are in the tags so there's actually kei content there lmao)
#Hester I adore you they could never make me hate you. Seriously the first chapter in 6 (bad candy) is like my favourite opener#Kei they could NEVER EVER make me hate you. did nothing wrong ever. rhian when I CATCH you#its so funny how my two favourite characters just like. hate each other. like japeth literally kills him#sad cause they're so SIMILAR. theyre both victims of Dog Metaphor its so sad that kei does Not like japeth in the slightest#personally if they had a good long discussion about their emotions at like 3am they could've probably stopped TCY from happening#but alas. Aric. somehow its all his fault again. why do I have an aricposting tag but not a keiposting one.#Hester easily has the best overall characterisation arc I love love love the way soman writes her#I remember when I read 6 for the first time#before japeth insanity happened#I used to anticipate her chapters over like everyone else's. Hester the 1 lesbian in the series you are deeply loved#I could write whole essays about japeth and kei's characterisation it is so sad that soman forgets kei exists#like he's meant to be rhian's eagle. that's his job. that's what he's spent a Long Time anticipating becoming#but rhian refuses to acknowledge it. instead he calls Japeth his eagle in book 4's ending#He eventually falls in love with Sophie#he only ever cares about the crown#how he GETS to the crown#and bringing his mother back. he lies more than japeth#and never once does he get to be the eagle. There's only three spaces - lion/eagle/snake - and he doesn't get to be any of them#dont even get me started on how he dies. surrounded by white swans. being purely good#god rhian II try not to fuck EVERYTHING over challenge. and also Aric. its all arics fault as well#keiposting#japethposting#actually not really jposting. didn't do it that much#sge#tsfgae#school for good and evil#the school for good and evil#sfgae#the school of good and evil#as much as I adore Hester I dont think I will talk about her much in detail ever so no hesterposting yet
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
Thinking about when i studied counselling at uni and they straight up told us that cbt has negative outcomes for many people and shouldn't become a standard for care, all talking therapies seem to have the same efficacy as each other, many psychologists think therapy is ineffective altogether, serotonin and dopamine don't work like that we just act like they do because pills that prevent their reuptake help people*, all diagnoses are a socially created (and enforced) map that shifts and changes with time and culture, and any one person could have been diagnosed and treated differently by myriad different doctors based on luck and social factors
Shame its practitioners don't think so
#anti psychiatry#when it came time to pick a master's degree it turned out every single professionally recognised course was pseudoscience#so i have to choose between practising actual bullshit or not becoming a proper psychotherapist#their rationale: it doesn't make a difference what the therapy is because it doesn't matter#also good luck trying to get into the mental health sphere if you're not able to pay £££#so many people get into it as a hobby after retiring from middle class positions. which I'm sure doesn't contribute to its problems at all#like they taught us to formulate our own approaches and beliefs and then told us we're only getting a job if we take up someone else's#training is gonna suck shit yall#like. i see some efficacy and potential in it that's why i want in. but... it's like being trained super well on food hygeine and safety and#then becoming a line cook at the filthiest restaurant and learning everywhere in town is the same. yknow?#i think therapy is useful. i also think it's not for everyone. after all that's what they taught me and they used evidence to do it#anyway
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
i'm a very don't tolerate bullshit kind of person and I respect and expect it so much when other people are real and straight up with me anyways whatever I say stems from my own thoughts and I cannot lie to you and tell you to do something I think is stupid if you ask for advice. anyways an acquaintance of mine who majored in English unless you want to work in primary school for a pay of barely 700 dollars complained how her parents want her to get a masters degree and she's thinking about getting one in marketing or something similar and then later on spreading into tech saying how she can work as a data analyst and I literally almost laughed out loud like it's absolutely insane how little university life prepares us for the future and how absolutely useless it is that you have university graduates here thinking they can work a job that requires a degree in either IT or economy as someone who read and talked about books for grades like please be so serious right now. I'm not upset with her for thinking this is possible just the general society for letting these young people down by telling them every career option is valid and it doesn't really matter what you study in university because it does
#in a general scheme of things it doesn't matter what you study in university when u study useless shit and never get a chance to work#a job related to that#but people who majored in medicine#mathematics engineering biology physics etc like you dont hear them talk about how studies don't actually matter bc they're working jobs#they studied for#adding law onto it as well#like we really need less people in humanities I'm not saying we need no people in humanities#humanities are really important but we need LESS people in them#and we also need less people in universities in general#go learn a skill you can actually use to make money off of in the real word we need electricians and people fixing shit around the house#we need people making ceramic or wooden floors we need carpenters#we dont need more people majoring in English abeg#the society and the school system is failing the younger generations so much by affirming their ideas of what the world looks like#because a highschooler cannot know whats best for them in the long run and we need to aid them#and i wish someone told me this before I went to university I would've saved myself so much trouble and time#and im not complaining bc i genuinely have it so much better than at least like 50% of my ex classmates#i have an appartment#a job that pays me okay#a side hustle#a car even though its old#savings#a future plan#idea of what im going to do and where I'm going to end up#but if i had someone advise me from the beginning I would've saved so much time and effort
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Seeing everyone complaining about Bolas 3 book cover is hilarious because they're here saying Mal and Tyril look horrible and so unlike themselves thanks to the HIGJ usage of AI. Others are complaining about Imtura! I get all that!
But here I am. A happy gay because Nia is looking like the beautiful goddess that she is
#No offense to anyone but chill k?#i know AI shit looks weird and ugly#but just bc PB decided to use it doesn't mean its a bad thing#i completely get it when they do#imagine having to pump out new books right after one finishes#i know its kinda their.. well JOB#but still#don't be too quick to hate#if yall need remember to take a step back and breathe#trust me it helps#👍👍👍#nia ellarious#mal volari#tyril starfury#imtura tal kaelen#choices#pixelberry#choices stories you play#AI#uselessgay thoughts#blades of light and shadow#blades of light and shadow book 3#bolas#bolas 3
16 notes
·
View notes
Note
Ooh angsty though
König sees Y/N on the battlefield but they got injured :( they r unconscious and he's the only person who can help them oh noooo hopefully he still remembers them from the aquarium meeting
Unless you're on his team or a civilian, sorry to be a prime bubble burster, he's going to be getting you to medical and that's about it. Work mode König is not merciful nor kind - especially if you're against him and helping would go against HIS team and their mission. Technically, he should end you if you're fighting his team because letting you live can mean they too are downed (plus, you wouldn't have seen his face then. Wouldn't know it was him for certain and your goal likely is to kill him)
Usually enemies are killed on sight but he still has some humanity within him. Some. Your brief moment of connection would be enough to save you from turning into a fine red mist and a pile of meat which is more than most can say. Plus, he's above killing someone who is unconscious anyways - unless they're the prime goal
He's still a PMC and a job is a job. Realistically, talking to you for a bit and opening up some isn't enough to pull him from that - especially if you stand between him and his goal. I mean, that's literally his job and when you're armed, you are just as likely to take him down too or one of his team mates. The world is a bitch and kill or be killed is how it goes, he knows that all too well, and a moment of weakness or hesitation is "How to end up dead 101". It's why he keeps his personal life seperate and how he's been able to be the top contractor that he is
#cod#call of duty#cod modern warfare#könig cod#ghouldtimetalks#sorry but some feelings won't be enough to have him stop everything and help#he's getting you to medical and going right back in action#thats it#he's not having a touching moment or stopping for it#he's still in a fight for his own life and a single day of connection and friendship (as nice as it is) won't be enough to win him over#nor stop him. he's there for a reason and he will be doing his job as well as he can. he didn't get to the top for nothing#its more of an “ah damn” moment for him#letting you live is a huge mercy against him#he doesn't play around this isn't a sweet guy when he is in working mode#konig cod#könig call of duty
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
29 notes
·
View notes