#it does make me feel less stressed when i wake up at the same time every morning and have a bit of a routine

[khaleesiofalicante]

same annie as before, i hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have tips on stress dandruff? something that isn't "reduce stress" because i signed up for the stress and will continue in it for another 2 years 😭

bro my dermatologist said "reduce stress" and i was like "bro be for real 😭😭😭"

Some of the things that actually work and help for me:

prescription shampoo (not head and shoulders or whatever. this is like proper medical shampoo). I got mine prescribed from the dermatologist - but now i buy it over the counter. You can google some stuff and see if it works for you. But i'd recommend going to a derm since the shampoo depends on your scalp type etc. You only have to use it once a week and it doesn't get rid of the dandruff - but rather removes the flakes easily. I usually comb them out thoroughly after I have a shower using the shampoo. I use regular shampoo for rest of the week.

Oil your hair once a week - i do this anyway but this helps - especially if you have dry or itchy scalp and live in a country with warm weather. You can usually oil your hair and massage it nicely into your scalp (very important!) and shower in 2-3 hours. I usually leave it on for the whole day. PS - You can simply use coconut oil. But I use herbal oils that have properties that are good for scalps with dandruff. (like neem or tea tree oil)

home remedies - there are a lot of home remedies that work (including the above). I use neem leaves and the fenugreek method. I only have time to do it once a month or so, but if you can do it at least once a week. They are both actually in controlling dandruff. You can find out how to use them here + some other home remedies as well.

Hope this helps, bebe.

[actuallysaiyan]

Let Me Into Your Heart(Rufus Shinra x Fem!Reader)

warnings: smut, unprotected sex, use of pet names, smoking, drinking, general lewd stuff, love confessions, promiscuity word count: 1.8k pairings: Rufus Shinra x Fem!Reader summary: you were hired to be Rufus' cocksleeve when times get tough and he's stressed, but he fell so hard for you...yet he feels disgusted to confess to you because of how he's treated you before a/n: this is for he lovely @beneathstarryskies!! I love you and I hope you enjoy!!!

Rufus does all he can to control and contain himself whenever he is around you. You’re like a siren, calling to him dangerously. Your perfume smells a little too sweet, it makes his pants a little too tight at times. Sometimes he has to find a private place to take care of the issue before it becomes even worse.

You were hired specifically as someone who helps him with his stress and his problems. You soothe his needs whenever he needs it, which seems to be a lot more than you realized. When you were approached for this job, you figured you’d be giving a bratty heir to the Shinra company some tips on breathing exercises and some yoga stretches. But Rufus showed you almost immediately that you belonged on his bed, ass up and face down. Despite the sexual nature of your job, you kept your own feelings locked up tightly.

And Rufus believed he was doing the same thing. He thought for sure he could keep himself from falling so deeply for you. You were just a cute little cocksleeve. Nothing more, nothing less. But the more you tried to help him with other issues in his life, and the more you listened to him as you two stayed cuddled in his bed, the more he became aware of the growing feelings. It wasn’t long before he was growing mad at the fact that he had fallen head over heels for you.

You had been hired to soothe his needs, and here you were, invading his every waking thought.

You’re just too sweet, and too beautiful. He believes sometimes you’re an angel sent down to heaven just for him. Someone who would truly understand him whenever he wasn’t feeling very cared for. When the world wanted to beat him over and over and he couldn’t find the strength to hold on for much longer, you were there to show him that things were going to be okay. Your gentle touches and sweet kisses were what kept him up at night. And they were driving him mad…mostly because he wasn’t supposed to feel this way about you.

At times, he begins to wonder if he’ll just end up like his father. Horny and whoring himself around to anyone. He tries to hook up with a few people to forget about you, but none of these women know how to make him feel warm and loved. None of them know what he likes in bed. You know how to get him off without even really trying. He’s just worried that he won’t be able to keep it in his pants if he can’t continue to have you. If he falls deeper for you, then he’s going to have to claim you.

But the more time he spends with you, the more he’s realizing he’s falling deeper and deeper. Rufus grows angrier because this was never supposed to happen. It was supposed to be casual sex and blowjobs under his desk. Never was it supposed to grow into a warmth in his heart where your name remains etched. Never was it supposed to be something so soft and blissful like this. And yet, he can’t deny it anymore. He’s in love with you and this both scares and soothes him.

One night after a particularly long and hard day at work, Rufus finds himself feeling so antsy. He’s scared to ask you to come over, because he thinks this might be the night he confesses to you. He’s not ready for that right now. He can’t just spit out his feelings to you. It terrifies him to think about telling you how he feels about you, only for you to stare at him, or to laugh…or worse to tell him you never want to see him ever again.

Despite you being the person that was hired to soothe his needs, Rufus feels a little off about asking you to take care of him. He doesn’t want to worry you, because he knows you will worry about him. You’ll show him kindness and care, and you will offer to probably make him dinner. The thought doesn’t sit right with him. You treat him like he’s your husband, but it just makes him feel even more dirty.

He sits in his penthouse, sipping on a mixed drink and he’s indulging in his one vice he hides from almost everyone. Plumes of smoke float around as he puffs on a cigar. Usually it would be a cigarette, but he needed something stronger tonight. Something to get his mind off the aching in his cock and the aching in his heart.

One hand holds the cigar while the other begins to palm his cock through his fancy dress pants. He’s thinking about asking you to come here, but with every thought of you being on your knees for him, the more he becomes disgusted with himself. He needs to figure out a better way to deal with him being pent up, but there’s nothing else he wants besides you.

He begins to scroll through his phone, looking for other women he could contact so that he could just have a quick fuck. But he keeps seeing your posts and your selfies, and it makes his cock twitch even more. He takes another drag from his cigar, then he stubs it out in the ashtray. He finishes off the drink, grimacing as the alcohol goes down roughly.

Eventually, he gets too frustrated with himself. He gets up from his seat on the balcony. Nothing is going to quench his thirst like you. Nothing will make him satisfied like you. He texts his driver to come pick him up so he can go to you.

The minute he’s out of the car in front of your place, there’s something that snaps within him. He begins banging on the door, loudly and hard. He needs you more than even he can comprehend at this point.

“Come on, I know you’re in there. Let me in!”

His voice surprises and excites you. He’s ready to show you just how much he loves you, but you really have no idea of his intentions. You figure he must just be over for a booty call. When you open the door, he’s pushing his way inside immediately. You see something deep in his eyes, and you notice just how much darker they are. You’re hit with the scent of his natural musk coupled with whiskey.

“Rufus, what—”

But you’re interrupted with his lips crashing down on yours. It feels so good to be kissed roughly by the man you had fallen in love with. What he never realized was that you had been battling your own inner demons about confessing to him. You figured he’d never want to fall in love with someone so plain and not from a rich family.

“You’re mine, you got it?” He growls in your ear as he begins leading you towards your room.

He’s only ever been here a few times, but every time that he’s here, he’s filled with love and comfort. It’s so warm and cozy in here, Everything bears your scent as well, which only seems to make him want to claim you even more. Once inside the bedroom, he’s pushing you onto the bed. You try to ask him what’s going on again, but he’s shushing you with a deep searing kiss.

“My pretty little baby,” he groans in your ear as he begins to grind against you. “You’ve been on my mind all day.”

Your eyes widen, “Really?”

He kisses you again, this one makes your head whirl. You know nobody can make you feel the way he does. His hands cup your face, pulling you in even closer. Your hands softly caress his back, making him grunt as you begin to massage his tense shoulders.

“How am I supposed to stay away?” he asks, his eyes so dark with lust.

“You don’t need to.”

And with that, you capture his lips with yours in a passionate kiss. He drinks you in, relishing in the way your tongue is so soft against his own. With able hands, he begins to undress you. You’re doing the same to him. Both of you too pent up to take your time. You need each other and you need each other now.

Once you’re undressed, Rufus takes a moment to take you all in. You’re so beautiful, so angelic. A goddess made specifically just for him. You let out a sweet whine when his fingers begin to play with your soaked folds. He loves how you’ve become so wet for him just from some making out.

“I tried to keep myself from you,” he confesses between heated kisses. “But I can’t anymore. I need you,”

You pant, “Take me. I’m all yours.”

He spreads your thighs, and his eyes are locked onto your beautiful glistening cunt. You reach over and begin stroking his aching cock, making him hiss through gritted teeth. He’s in heaven right now, and he knows it’s only going to get better from here.

Slowly, he slips into you. Inch by delicious inch begins to stretch you out. Your eyes roll back the minute he bottoms out. Your hands weakly reach out for him as you try to grind yourself. It’s all too much, you can already feel your walls beginning to contract around him,

Rufus leans in for a sweet kiss, and he knows he won’t last long either. Now or never, he’s going to tell you just how much he adores you. He begins rocking his hips slowly, surprising you both. You figured you’d be getting pounded into the mattress tonight, but Rufus needs you to be so close to him.

“How I have longed for you,” he murmurs against your sweat-slicked skin. “I love you, my angel.”

You gasp at his words. He thrusts deeply a few more times, making the coil in your tummy so tight. You barely have time to warn him that you’re coming undone when the dam breaks. You cling to him as he fucks himself deeper and harder, prolonging that blissfully sweet pleasure. You’re sobbing and moaning and mewling, just holding onto him as he gives you the most heavenly orgasm you’ve ever felt.

“Shit–” he grunts. “Can I? Can I cum inside?”

You nod, “Yes, please! Please!”

His hips stutter as his orgasm hits him like a freight train. It’s intense, throbbing and messy. Ropes of hot cum begin filling up your awaiting womb. You both move against one another, prolonging the sweetest orgasm you’ve ever had. Then slowly, you two stop and hold onto each other.

“I love you too, Rufus.”

And for the first time in a little while, he believes that things can be okay. Things can be okay because he has you.

[xaharadesert]

MC Who Sleeps Like The Dead - Headcanon

Arcana Characters (Main 6) x MC

A/N: for another lovely anon! I just finished drawing one of my OCs to prepare for art fight, so I’m feeling a bit more inspired than usual! Please let me know if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes :) requests are open!

❤️Julian❤️

This is a man who runs on stress and caffeine, so he’s always up at ungodly hours of the night

Your ability to sleep through every instance of him stubbing his toe or bumping his head, or just generally swearing at whatever script or medical case he’s having trouble with at the moment is a blessing in his opinion

Of course, on the rare occasions that you manage to get him to bed, he’ll be as out of it as you are, if not more so

He flails in his sleep, and since it won’t be waking either of you up any time soon, there’s a good chance you’ll both end up with some mystery bruises

He’ll feel a bit bad about it in the morning, but it’s nothing some kisses can’t fix

🧡Portia🧡

Considering how tired she usually is by the end of the day, she’s a surprisingly light sleeper

This can be a problem for her when Pepi decides she wants to make biscuits and Portia’s the only potential victim around

So when you two start sleeping in the same bed, she sacrifices you to Pepi and makes sure she’s the one sleeping next to the wall

Pepi seems satisfied with this arrangement and leaves Portia alone, meaning she gets the sleep she needs and you get a cat to cuddle with while you’re unconscious

It’s also great for when she needs to get up early for work; she can make as much noise as she wants while she’s getting ready, and you’ll sleep right through it

💛Lucio💛

No no no, this will not do

Lucio operates under the assumption that if he’s awake, you’re also supposed to be awake

So if he’s having trouble sleeping while you’re snoozing away next to him, he will be trying his best to wake you up

His attempts will start with whispers and a couple gentle pokes, but when you don’t look like you’ll be getting up soon it quickly becomes less subtle

This man will fully kick you off the bed and onto the cold floor to get you up

If you sleep through that, he’s gonna get really close to your ear and scream

For the sake of everyone else nearby, you may need to learn to sleep less heavily

💚Muriel💚

He’s a light sleeper thanks to anxiety, and he doesn’t really understand how someone can sleep as deeply as you do

In the early days of your relationship he was a bit worried that there might be something wrong with you

Once he settles into the idea that you Will Not Be Woken Up before you’re good and ready, he takes full advantage of the extra alone time it gives him

It’s nice to just coexist with you and go about his day without worrying about waking you up

Once Inanna took a nap on you and he thought you may have actually suffocated under her, but turns out you were fine

He does not mention this to you when you wake up

💙Asra💙

While he certainly sleep often, he does not sleep heavily

If he’s sitting down, then he’s probably already at least 10% asleep

He doesn’t usually sleep in the traditional sense, and instead takes a few extended naps throughout the day

So when you’re getting your proper 8 hours, he may be laying awake beside you, gently rubbing your back and reading a book

He likes that his sleep schedule doesn’t affect yours, and that he gets to see you so peaceful and far from the stresses of life

💜Nadia💜

Most of her life is on a pretty tight schedule, so your sleep habits are not something she’s particularly fond of

If you’re asleep when she wakes up to begin her day, then she’s learned not to bother trying to wake you

She’ll kiss your temple and try to find some time to spend with you at the end of the day, but she misses the quiet moments you two could share while the rest of the world starts to wake up

Overall it’s not a hassle, just something she has to adapt to

Unless of course there’s an early morning event that you’re also supposed to attend with her

Then she’s trying to figure out the most gentle way to pry you from the hands of sleep (she may quite literally drag you out of the bed and start getting you ready before you wake up)

[yuri-is-online]

Been brainrotting lately and now I present to you what I think is an underused story beat for Yuu. What if “Yuu” isn’t even the prefect’s real name?

Considering that Yuu’s first experience in Twisted Wonderland is waking up in a coffin, wandering around an obviously foreign place, and being questioned by a suspicious man in a crow mask surrounded by people in black hooded robes… I just think most people would not give their real name in such a sketchy situation.

Fast forward to when Yuu is more comfortable with the cast and there is both comedy and angst potential here. On one hand, the reactions to the deception could be pretty funny. (Cue a “woe is me” from Crowley. Of course he can’t find a way home for you when he doesn’t have your real name!) On the other, this could be a great way of exploring the prefect having a crisis. Yuu already lost so much in being taken to Twisted Wonderland, and now in a way even the prefect’s name has been taken.

What do you think?

waking up in a coffin, wandering around an obviously foreign place, and being questioned by a suspicious man in a crow mask surrounded by people in black hooded robes…

Annon, annon, annon, when you put it like that it sounds like Yuu woke up in the middle of a cult ritual of some sort. Which I suppose if you were an edgy Night Raven student idia you might argue that the enrollment ceremony totally is as an excuse not to go

But to be more serious, I have seen a few memes about this concept and I like it a lot σ(￣、￣=) It's a fun character concept, it's not everyday you get a chance to re-invent yourself completely.

That being said, just based off of the few dialogue options Yuu has at the start, I think Yuu is implied to believe that they are dreaming:

Which honestly doesn't make this idea any less valid. If you're dreaming about waking up in the middle of some weird necromancer's rite, why not give him a fake name? It's not meant to be serious anyway. Just go with the flow and hope things don't get too weird (and get offended when your dream doesn't give you magic powers) until it's too late and you realize everyone thinks your name really is that bad joke you made.

If you want to get darker, maybe Yuu really did think they died. A black carriage pulling a coffin really only goes to a funeral, and death has been depicted as an unmanned coach with black horses. Maybe Yuu is only just coming to grips with the fact that they really are alive when they see Riddle overblot and he hurts them. Maybe they now are sitting next to two people who have started to think about them as a friend, a really close one. Maybe they think Yuu is really brave because they charged headlong into danger without a second thought, and won, twice now. Maybe Yuu cries themselves to sleep that night because in a way... you died so yuu could live.

As for reactions, Crowley and the other staff members I think would be the most dramatic, followed by Adeuce and Grim. Jack I can see accepting your reasons and not thinking too hard about it, maybe even respecting your survival instincts, while Epel... well he says he's mad but mostly he's just concerned. He knows what it feels like to have two dueling parts of yourself and trying to find the middle ground. Ortho would be excited, you have a secret identity just like a magical girl/super sentai/anime idol/superhero take your pick really. He certainly doesn't mind getting to know you all over again.

Sebek screams at you for being a threat to Wakasama but it's clear to everyone who actually knows him that he's really just worried about the amount of stress you put on yourself. He would hate for you to have the same issues with self loathing he does. And Malleus? Well he lied to you about who he was because he was worried you would be afraid, even though you didn't know he existed. It would be very petty for him to hold a grudge against you for doing the same.

In general I think this would be something the others would have an easier time understanding as opposed to Yuu's sense of alienation or loneliness at not having magic. Identity issues are common themes in fiction, so I could see them actually seeing it as a problem as opposed to an abstract problem like no government papers (since these kids with one obvious exception don't do taxes.) But it would make for a great way to explore the prefect having a crisis just as you say, in a way it's the perfect example for every problem they might have with being in Twisted Wonderland.

[wavesmp3]

[kmg] morning at the edge of time

pairing: mingyu (svt) x reader genre: friends to lovers + hinted fwb + angst + mainly just a mess of a flash fic wc: 2.2.k warnings: perhaps a little swearing but other than that none!

when you wake up that morning, you say some lame joke. he laughs, and a siren goes off in the distance. you listen to that over him. 

it doesn’t take long to pack his things up. in fact, it takes so much less time than you had both planned. you still have an hour before you have to be at the station. 

he zips up the final piece of luggage, an old brown duffel bag that’s filled to the brim. the one you have to tug by the front pocket to get it to close all the way. you fight back something bitter coming up in your throat. it’s one of the same bags he brought on his way here. you remember watching him leave then too.  

“so,” he says finally, standing up from the zipped duffle bag and shoving his hands in his pockets. a boyish little habit that makes you feel like you’re both still 20, finding your footing in this brand new and bright place, holding onto each other and begging the other not to miss home too much. when did you stop missing home? when did he start? “do we have a little time on that schedule of yours for coffee?”

he gestures to the legal pad behind you, a bright yellow paper with your scribbled schedule made in a stressed hurry the night before. a joke, you realize belatedly once you register the sound from between his lips as a laugh. you feel so suddenly exhausted with it hanging in the air. you shrug, “i guess.”

he grins. and you remember being 13 with him by your side. you ignore the shaky feeling in the corner of your eyes. 

–

the train ride is so long, you think an hour in. how many more? you almost ask before remembering how he’s asleep. you stare at him. there are lines across his forehead and around his eyes that weren’t there a couple years ago. last year you found a gray hair right behind his left ear. you look for that sitting here. 

he wakes up just as your finger finds it. 

he squints and yawns at the same time. not even registering your hand shoved in his hair, your face two breaths from him. “morning.” 

he jumps in his seat. your fingers lose the hair. 

“what are you doing?” he asks, voice muddled by the sleep. you know this voice. you used to wake up next to it every morning. there’s a lump in your throat suddenly that chokes down every other emotion you would rather be feeling. 

“i was looking for your gray hair.” 

he perks up. “do i still have it?” 

you want to smile at this. the way he embraces this old age, with open arms and a big bear hug. the way mingyu does with everything. fearless and expectant. like he’s been waiting for it, for you. there was a time when you were the one in his embrace. you want to smile at it, him. but you don’t. or maybe, it’s that you can’t. 

you nod. “i think it’s grown a bit actually.” 

he hums, absently, craning his neck to see something you don’t care to see. “i’m gonna use the bathroom. meet in the dining car?” 

you nod, he leaves, and for the first time since stepping on this train you can fucking breathe. 

—

“doesn’t it feel like the train ride gets longer each time you go back?” he asks. 

you squint at him, picking at a potato before shoving it in your mouth. “not really.”

he shakes his head. “that’s cause you never go.”

and you know he doesn’t mean it with malice, but it’s a stab either way. you scoff. home is many things. it’s where you were born. where your parents live. where you met mingyu. home is many things. but it’s mainly just a tiny town full of memories and people you’d rather forget. 

“i’m sorry,” he offers half-heartedly, noticing your silence a second too late. 

you try your best to shake it off. you don’t want to ruin this day. 

instead you say, “we should get dessert.”

he smiles, big and wide. all teeth showcased right in front of you. somehow, it breaks your heart.

—

“my parents sent me this a while back.” mingyu says, showing you the screen of his phone. 

it’s a picture of when you both were young. 10 or maybe 8 years old. sitting together at the beach, covered in sand and smiling. “i remember that day.” you mutter to him, taking the phone from his hand and staring at the photo. “you made a sand castle, and let me stomp on it.”

“gosh,” mingyu starts with a fake sigh, “you’ve always been an asshole huh?”

you roll your eyes, pushing his phone back towards him. “it was a shit castle anyways.”

—

you and mingyu’s family have been friends since his family moved to town. you must’ve been 4 the first time you met him. you don’t really remember that evening. but you do remember riding your first amusement park ride with him. 

“i know mom,” mingyu says into his phone. you watch the end of his call. he picks at the collar of his shirt. you recognize it as the one his dad gave him for his birthday last year. you wonder if he did that on purpose. he hangs up the phone and gives you a look. 

“hey,” he quips, snapping his fingers in your face, “where are you?”

he knows you so well. “was just thinking.”

“about?” 

you push your chin out a bit, glancing at the scenery running past the window beside you. “i can’t believe it’s been 2 years since i moved from home and joined you in the city.”

“it’s been 6 years for me.”

“i know.” you say, understanding the gravity. the city has this way of pushing you in. like a trap you step into knowingly. “when you moved here for school, i…”

your eyes move back to his face. he tilts his head, waiting for you. “you what?”

you inhale, reaching for the napkin in your lap and folding the corners in. “i don’t know, i just never imagined that i’d also move.

he scrunches his entire face. “be honest, did you miss me so much that you moved just to be closer to me?”

you take the napkin in your lap and throw it in his face. he catches it snickering. “but seriously,” you start, exhaling and watching him fold the napkin back up and place it on the table, “i don’t know if i would’ve moved if you hadn’t done it before me.”

“and now look at you,” his lips curl upwards, “you love the city.”

you match the motion. “i love the city.” more than you ever thought you would.

“how long do you think you’ll stay there?”

he asks it casually, but the question makes your heart stop. it makes this bile that’s been sitting in your gut ever since mingyu told you for the first time that he was thinking about moving back home rise up again and burn the back of your throat. 

you cough. “forever hopefully.”

he gives you this look. this raised brow and side eye look that says you don’t mean that. that mocks you and means to tell you: you have no idea what you’re talking about. eventually, you’ll do what you’ve done our entire lives and follow me back home too. 

“i mean it.” you say steadily. he doesn’t flinch. neither do you. 

“home is different now, you know–”

you scoff. how many times can you and him have the same conversation.”

“–minghao doesn’t even really come into town that much anymore and–”

“stop it, mingyu.”

he bites the inside of his cheek. “why won’t you even try?”

—

you don’t like to think about minghao. the three years you spent loving someone who just up and left. you don’t like to think about him because there’s a part of you that isn’t sure if you ever really got over him.

—

“it’s just time.” mingyu says, voice soft and quiet. “i think it’s just time for me to go back home.”

the train rattles a bit. you stop your shoulders from shaking. “why?”

he just shakes his head and sighs. “it just feels right.”

the words are like a splinter, wedging itself into the pad of your index finger. 

“i’m sorry.” he tells you. 

you go to the bathroom and pretend not to hear it.

—

you stare at your face in the mirror. you never liked the long train rides; there’s a grayness evident in your face. and it makes you think about mingyu’s gray hair that’s grown longer. it makes you think about the first time found it. 

shortly, after you had moved to the city, you and mingyu’s friendship had taken a different form. nights spent laughing turned to something deeper, something blurry and messy. a kiss, a confession, a night spent together. you’ve always loved mingyu. he had been your best friend for so many years. and so it just felt so natural that your friendship would take such a shape. it didn’t feel awkward or hard or forced. it just felt like you loved him and it felt comfortable and honestly, just a tiny bit, it–

it felt like home. 

—

the first thing he says when you retake your seat across from him is: “do you think you’ll ever forgive me for moving back?”

you rest your elbows on the table, hold up your chin with your hands, and stare at him. his eyes look so brown. inhaling, you say, “eventually.” 

he chuckles lightly. “we had some good times together in the city.”

you smile, and it feels like a breath of fresh air. “we really did.”

“and our friendship has nothing to do with distance.”

“i know.” you shrug slightly. “i’m just going to miss doing life with you by my side.”

he frowns, ever so slightly. “you know i’ll always lov-”

the train screeches, masking his voice, his confession with a sound so unpleasant and yet somehow better. you know what he has to say. you don’t want to hear it.

you stare at your finger, where his words pierced your skin. you don’t see the small stick of wood anymore. it’s been sucked in. bitterly, you think, there will always be a piece of you inside me.

—

the train stops in your town eventually. you both grab his bags and head out onto the platform. 

you sit on a bench just outside waiting for his parents to pick you guys up. it’s colder up here than it is in the city. it nips and bites at the bits of your skin that’s exposed. mingyu pulls out a scarf from one of his bags and wraps it around your shoulders. 

you recognize the color of it and the pattern. you gave this scarf to him 8 years ago. you can’t believe he still has it. you can’t believe he lugged it with him to the city. you can’t believe he lugged it back. 

you look at him, really look at him, and realize how terrified you are. you’ve spent so much of your life with mingyu. you don’t want to remember what life looks like without him. 

“you’re my best friend in the whole world.” you tell him, placing a hand over his. 

the wind picks up, picking and poking at your eyes. you feel a tear fall down your cheek. 

you know he’s sad to say goodbye to you and to the city, but you also know that more than that, he’s happy. excited to be back home and closer to his friends and family. you can see it in his eyes. you can see it in his gray hair sticking up with the wind. 

“i’m just not ready to come back yet otherwise i would.”

he looks at you, like he really pities you. you hate it. “you did come back with me.”

you shake your head. “otherwise, i would stay.” 

he pulls you into a hug. you relish in the warmth. you’ve been in this position many times before. but never like this. you aren’t in college anymore. you know you’ll never be this close to him again. and maybe that’s what makes this all so painful. maybe that’s why when you pull away from the hug you catch a glint of something sharp in his hand. you look down at your torso and see your entire body carved open, with his hands digging inside, searching for the words you stole from him. maybe it wasn’t a splinter. maybe it wasn’t an accident. but why won’t he let you have that at least? why does he have to leave and take every trace of him with him?

a car pulls up. mingyu’s father. you recognize the paint job on it. you both stand. he faces you facing him.

“are you happy?” you ask him. 

he smiles, wrinkles appearing all over his face. “i can’t wait. 

you help him and his father pack everything into the car. you say hi to his mother. she asks you to stay for dinner; you tell her how you have to get back to the city. 

you say your final goodbye to mingyu. and watch his dad’s car pull away. you don’t know when you’ll see him next. and it’s only once the car is entirely out of view, do you realize you’re still wearing the scarf you gifted him. you take one last inhale of your hometown and board the train back

[boyfhee]

CLOSEST FRIEND AND MORE ⋆ pjs

prompt · “i don’t think i’ve ever felt the way i do with you with anyone else.” “what does that mean?” “what do you think it means?” · requested

g · fluff warnings · light profanities, mentions of injury wc · 0.8k

note · writer's block is real and it sucks

“and then, that bastard, that cheating lying bastard, blatantly lied in front of everyone and said that, i pushed him during the game. seriously— can you believe that?” a scoff falls off your lips and you recall the moments from your PE class this morning, which more or less morphed into a fight between you and one of your classmates who claims to have been pushed by you in a game of dodgeball and sprained his ankle when in reality, he practically launched himself towards you and all you did was step aside to save yourself. 

and jay, he’s hearing this story for the fifth time today, in different narratives from different people, with more colourful words for the said boy being served by them on a silver platter.

“no, i really can’t believe that,” he responds sarcastically, eyes focused on the evening sky and then the road as a soft smile rested upon his lips, throughout the walk from school to your place. 

“jay,” you slow down, the extra emphasis on his name to get a serious reply, making him turn to look at you. you stare at him for a second while he mirrors the same blank look at you, before a faint sigh slips off your lips. “you’ve been really quiet today, you know?” 

and not just today but for the past four to five days. jay is a quiet person, actually, but not quiet quiet, not the quiet where you hear six words maximum from him in twenty-four hours. you wouldn’t say you and jay are super close or the bestest of friends and yet still, you can hear him whisper from behind you during classes, making you laugh occasionally, sneaking notes from under the desks, everything that makes maths more bearable for you and everything whose absence for days now has you concerned. 

“is that so?”

“mhm, i almost forgot your voice,” which is an exaggeration on your part, but you’re pretty sure it would have come true had the silence game continued for a few more days. “are you okay, though? is there anything you’re worried about, anything you’d like to tell me?” 

a brief pause follows, a moment of silence yet again, filled with the shuffling of your footsteps on the pavement as he swings your hand back and forth, holding it a little tighter. “well, there is something i’m worried about but i can figure it out myself,” 

you step in front of him, getting a better look at his face and his eyes meet yours. “are you sure?”

“i am,” 

you see your house now, the first one as soon as you'd take the next left. walks with jay are less frequent. he’s either busy with his other friends or after school stuff that your homeroom teacher assigns him, much to his disappointment. walks with him are less often but are always fun, hands intertwined as you both take all the time in the world to cover the ten minutes walking distance from school to your house, since he insists on walking you home everyday. 

walks with him are less common, this might be your ninth or tenth time, but they’re already something you look forward to ever since you wake up. you realise that walks with jay might be the only chance to get to know him better, and thus, you take the opportunity. 

“i know you don’t like stressing people out with your own problems and you rarely talk about them, but i want you to know that you can rely on me,” the two of you finally stop in front of your house and you stand in front of him, taking both of his hands into yours. “you’re one of my closest friends, i’m here if you never need someone to listen to you,” 

he has known you for one month, barely, and you’re asking him to spill his worries to you as if they’re your own, but how does he tell you that you’re the reason he’s losing track of day, noon and night, wondering if there’s even a little chance that you feel the same way as he feels towards you? 

“i don’t think i’ve ever felt the way i do with you, with anyone else,” but the words escape his mouth, leaving him surprised too, as if he has lost control over his thoughts, letting his heart take over his mind, allowing it to make all the decisions. 

you feel your heart skipping beats and pacing relentlessly, quite sure going to pop out of your chest any second. “what does that mean?” 

how does he tell you that you’re the one making him worried with all these feelings that he has for you? 

“what do you think it means?” and the smile on your face morphs into hesitation, heat rising up your cheeks as he takes a step towards you. another string of silence follows as you try to come up with words, but before you could even sort out your thoughts, jay beats you to it. “see you tomorrow,” 

and that’s all he says before walking away, because you consider him one of your closest friends, so how does he tell you that he’s inexplicably in love with you, and that he wants to be something more? 

[synoname-wordsmith]

Sleepless Nights and Broken Jars

Sanji x reader

Summary: cooking for a crew of your size was a handful, and you were determined to take some of that stress out of Sanji's hands. But what happens when sleep deprivation and close proximity to the man you love start to mix?

Warning: some angst, slight description of panic attack, mention of blood, no smutt just kissing, smoking, as always if I miss any lmk

-----------

your hammock swayed back and forth, begging you to lull back to sleep. you checked your watch and sighed at 4 AM. you had been staring at the ceiling for 45 minutes now, and it was becoming clear that you were not going to get any more sleep tonight.

you moved into a sitting position and then threw your feet over the edge of the hammock. once up, you tossed on a sweater and tip toed out of your shared room in an effort to not wake those lucky enough to get a full night's rest.

you made your way to the kitchen of the Going Merry, figuring a cup of tea might sweeten your soured mood. you were surprised to see the light already pooling through the small kitchen window. assuming it was Sanji was a safe bet, but being up this early was early, even for a cook.

you gently knocked on the door and let yourself in. Sanji was indeed there, facing away from the door over a pot of something on the stove. he turned to face you as you entered and smiled at the sight of you.

"Hey love, what's got you up at this hour?"

"i could ask you the same thing," you respond while making your way over the herb closet. Sanji watched you as you pulled out your desired ingredients and a tea steeper. "Be a dear and put the kettle on for me?" you asked with a light smile.

"Of course," and with that, you sat down with a mug and waited for the water to boil. "You never answered my question," Sanji spoke after a moment. you shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep, you?"

"i'm always up this early, dear. Food doesn't prep itself." You looked up at him quickly.

"You get up at 4 AM to prep every day?!" You couldn't hide the surprise in your voice. "breakfast isnt til 9. That's 5 hours. It takes that much time to prep breakfast?"

he smiled at your exasperation, "Actually, im usually in here by 3ish, and no, i prep for all meals and snacks this early."

"damn, that is dedication if i've seen it," you chuckled, then got up to grab the now steaming kettle.

"No, stay. i got it. " Sanji moved to the kettle and back to you, pouring the water into your mug. you thanked him with a smile. "it really doesn't bother me. I like doing it. Plus, this way, there is less to do between meals."

"Are all chefs this crazy?" you joked, reaching out for the mug as Sanji slid it towards you. your hand briefly met his, and your breath hitched. he pulled his hand away quickly after.

you don't know exactly when your feeling for Sanji crossed into genuine feelings from friends who flirted a little too much, but they did, and it was getting harder to pretend everything was still casual. the pet names, the little touches, the way his blue eyes seemed to see you, the real you; they caused you to lose your breath and the butterflies to come alive. you tried pulling away, hoping the distance would calm your ever beating heart, but you found yourself pulled back in almost instinctively. like two magnets. It was hard to fight.

he cleared his throat. "Only the really good ones," you laughed.

"and we all know you are the best." his face lit up at that. You found yourself staring as his smile reached his eyes. you pulled your gaze away and stood up a little too quickly. you walked over the aprons hanging on the wall, pulled one on, then tied your hair off your face.

"Hun, what are you doing?" You glanced at him as you washed and dried your hands. then pulled out an extra cutting board and a few knives.

"what does it look like, im helping" you pulled the bag of carrots over to you and read the scratchy handwriting from his notebook; '2 cup finely cut carrots, 2lb carrot peeled and cut olique'. "Unless you think the cafe my family ran is inferior training and that i can't keep up with you and your pretentious recipes." you said lightly, half joking and half asking for permission. he let out a breathy laugh.

"Of course i dont think that love, but you really should get some more sleep"

you picked up a chefs knife, "sleep eluded me long before i wandered in her Sanji. At least this way, i could pass the time." he playfully sighed again and turned back to the stove. there was no sound for a few moments save for the tack tack tack of your knife on the wooded board.

"Wait, did you call me pretentious? " he broke the silence, and you let out a genuine laugh.

"No, i called your recipes pretentious," he playfully swatted at your arm as you fell back into a comfortable silence.

****

you and Sanji finished most of the prep by 8:00, and you left him to assemble breakfast on his own. you had worked in comfortable silence for the most part other than the few questions from you or critiques from him. you would never admit that your skills were a little rusty, especially compared to Sanji, who moved through the kitchen like it was a choreographed dance. his motions were fluid and almost artful as he bounced from pot to cutting board to fridge to table. it was hard not to stare, and you felt your cheeks heat up a few times as your eyes wandered from his hands to the muscles in his exposed forearms. you felt like a child with a crush.

after cleaning your workspace, you wandered back to your room with the goal of changing and starting your research on the nearing islands for Nami. however, against your better judgment, you had fallen asleep. That's how you found yourself in the map room long after everyone else had retired to bed.

with a stiff back and a neck begging you to change positions you stood up. deeming your work satisfactory for the day you made your way out of the room and to the deck. the cool summer air hit you as you inhaled the smell of the ocean. slipping your eyes closed, you leaned forward on the railing, enjoying the moment. you heard foot falls approaching but didn't open your eyes until the smell of tobacco tickled your nose.

you expected Sanji to be beside you, but you weren't prepared for him to be leaning against the railing looking at you. his blue eyes scanned you and moved to meet your own eyes. the look in them was something you couldn't describe, something you've never seen from him.

"What?" you asked almost sheepish. it felt like he was seeing through you again. like you had no place to hide.

"Just admiring the beauty before me, love." You scoffed and rolled your eyes

"Doesn't your teeth hurt from all that sweet-talking?" You both laughed and fell into silence again. "What are you up to right now?" you asked, turning back to the waves.

"Quick break before heading back to work." he turned to face the water as well. you turned to look at him

"Sanji, it's 11:30" he hummed in response. "When do you sleep?"

he exhaled a light laugh. "Don't worry about me, love i sleep plenty."

"When?" You shot back a little harsher than you meant to. He took a long inhale. it felt like he was taking his time on purpose, holding smoke in his lungs so he doesn't have to answer. "Up at 2, still working at midnight, making snacks all day. Sanji, that isn't sustainable. you're going to make yourself sick."

"Will you nurse me back to health?" he smirked.

"Sanji, i'm not kidding!" he stilled at that. his face falling blank. you took a breath and tried to control your tone "Sanji if you need help, you're allowed to ask." his hand hovered by his face, cigarette almost at his lips. he didn't say anything, maybe he didn't know what to. "You can still be the creative genius, but an extra set of hands to make the prep go faster, isn't you failing." he ashed his cigarette as his eyes watched you intently. "especially when Luffy's appetite is that of 10 men." he chuckled

"i'm sure you're right, love, you usually are"

"how 'bout this, i will be your junior chef for one week, if it works: great, if not: i will leave you to your insanity and even take care of you when you inevitable make yourself ill" he took one last drag and flicked his cigarette into the ocean.

"darling, if you wanted to spend more time with me, you could have just asked." You ignored the quickening of your heart and hoped it was too dark for him to see the blush on your face.

"That doesn't sound like a no," you breathed. you hadn't noticed, but during your lecture, you had drifted closer to each other. both leaning against the railing facing each other, your hands could almost touch. he was looking at you again. seeing through you. your heart quickened. you could smell the tobacco on his breath and see the shades of blue in his eye. he held your gaze as if trying to communicate something to you, something he was afraid to say out loud.

"it wasn't," he whispered. he reached his fingers out and brushed them against your own. you felt like you couldn't breathe. the silence was suffocating and electric as his eyes darted to your lips and back to your eyes. you looked away from him and cleared your throat.

"we should probably get to the kitchen then." You glanced back at him, but he wasn't facing you anymore. he had turned away and faced the ocean again. "or neither of us will be sleeping tonight," he pulled out another cigarette.

"Go ahead hun', i'll catch up. " You watched him flick his lighter. you turned towards the kitchen and hurried through the door.

'So stupid,' you thought as you grabbed an apron and washed your hands.' You couldn't just let him kiss you. You had to pull away and make everything awkward.' You felt like you were going to pass out. face flush and hands shook as you held your knife. you tried to even breathe as your mind ran a mile a minute. it's not as if you haven't thought about kissing Sanji before, you had; allot. and you wondered what he would be like as a significant other, but you were scared. You knew you were. you were terrified that you were just the flavor of the month. that Sanji was more interested in the chase, and as soon as he got you, he would grow bored.

you didn't think you had low self-esteem, but a guy like that could have anyone he wanted, and you had seen him get them. Man or women, once he set his sights on someone. Docking in little towns and picking up beautiful people in bars, boarding the ship in the early hours of the morning with hair a mess and shirt unbuttoned. you couldn't convince yourself that he wasn't just interested in you because of close proximity. and you couldn't open your heart to that. You couldn't handle when he inveterately left for something better, newer, more interesting. you tossed cut vegetables into a bowl with oil and seasoning.

the kitchen door opened, and Sanji walked to the sink and started washing his hands. you tried to get your racing heart and running thoughts under control as he stood beside you silently.

"What are you doing?" You turned and smiled at him, an attempt to seem unrattled.

"i was going to roast the vegetables for the soup puree." he nodded and disappeared into the walk-in cooler. you released a breath you didn't know you were holding and turned back to the notebook, then moved to opened a cabinet. not finding what you were looking for, you moved to close the door and turn towards the pantry closet. unbeknownst to you, Sanji had come behind you juggling more than a few ingredients. you didn't have time to react before you collided and felt yourself connect with the ground.

pain shot through your head as jars and produce tumbled to the ground. your hands flew up to the side of your head as you heard Sanji crouch down beside you. he swore under his breath as your eyes stayed tightly shut, focusing on breathing through the sharp pain.

"Hun, i'm so sorry. Let me see." he took your hands in both of his and gently moved them out of the way. "Just a scratch," he breathed out, the relief prominent in his voice. the initial pain was starting to subside, but you kept your eyes closed in an attempt to keep hot tears at bay.

"i'm sorry," you whispered, pulling your hands from his and covering your eyes this time. everything felt like too much all at once, sleep deprivation, the charged moment outside, the racing thoughts you had moments ago, the pain now. it all came to a catalyst, and what little control you had on your emotions was unraveling.

"Darling, what for?" You leaned back and felt the cupboard support your weight, tears finally escaping." Hey, hey, hey, look at me. What's going on? " he reached for your hands again, but you turned away from him.

"i can't keep doing this." You were trying to level your breathing, but you felt more and more of your emotions spilling out. months of bottling it up finally caught up to you.

"Doing what, dear? i know i should have said behind and im so sorry you are in pain right now, but thats no reason to give up in the kitchen completely" he reached out again and this time you let him rest his hands on your shoulders, what did it matter you were already a mess.

"No! i can't keep pretending around you. the things you say, the way you brush up against me when you pass by. the flirting, god the flirting" you were all but hyperventilating now. "it's killing me, and i feel so stupid for catching feelings like i didn't know who you were, that this wasn't a game you played to pass the time-" you couldn't get anymore words out and you just sat there defeated and sobbing.

you felt Sanji's arms wrap around you, and he pulled you against his chest. he didn't say anything, but he held you while you shook in his arms and attempted to regain control of yourself. eventually, your breathing leveled out, and you lay still against him, face pressed to his chest as he moved his hand up and down your back.

you didn't want to move. If you pulled away, you would have to face him, and facing him meant everything you had created together over the last few months was gone. you did, though. You moved away from his embrace and wiped your eyes. you could feel him looking at you, but you couldn't bring yourself to meet his eyes.

"im going to go." You stood up, but before you could turn away, he grabbed your wrist. "Sanji, please, I dont want to talk about this right now." You tried to pull away, but his grip tightened. "Sanji-"

"you're bleeding" you stood and watched as he stood up too "let me at least clean up your face" you didn't have the energy to argue and let him guide you to the table. you sat in silence as he kneeled on the floor in front of you and dabbed an alcohol swab on your cut. you winced on contact, and his free hand came up to the side of your face to gently hold you still. "im sorry." You broke the silence, the suffocating silence that made you want to scream.

"You've said that." He didn't take his eyes off his task. in a different circumstance, you would have watched his concentration in admiration and tried to memorize the curve of his jaw or the way his hand felt on your cheek. but now you couldn't bear to look at him.

"i never meant to melt down like that, i just didn't know how to tell you without ruining the friendship we built" he put the bandage on you and sighed, leaning back on his legs. neither of you made any move to get up, and silence fell over you again. you were too dejected to fill it this time. You resolved to just drown in it.

"Do you really think so little of me?" You looked up from the cuticles you were picking at to find Sanji also looking at his hands. His hair had fallen in his face as he talked. "That im some careless philanderer with no regard for your feelings?"

"No, of course not," you defended, "but the way you flirt in bars, i just... i dont see how im special, " his head snapped up.

"Of course you are special. You are the most interesting and beautiful person i have ever met. nothing i have ever said to you was a lie. i meant it all"

"But all those one-night stands? if i'm so special, why are you chasing strangers?" You felt yourself choking up again and knew if he kept pressing the matter, you would fall apart again.

"Honestly?" he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Feeble attempts to forget about you. i thought i could move on, that i could get past the way i felt. " he looked up at you finally. your lip started to tremble at his words and you tried to take a deep breath "hey, hey" he leaned forward and placed both his hands on either side of your face "none of that love"

"i can't - how am i supposed to trust that you won't get bored?"

"Nothing i did could make me change the way i feel about you, the way i need you. i thought i knew what love was, but from the moment i first met you, i knew that was it. it is so scary to be so affected by you" maybe it was the lack of sleep or the throbbing in your head, but your body moved before you could think and you connected your lips to his.

for a moment, he didn't move, startled by your action. but in an instant, he was kissing you back. he pulled you closer against him, and your hands grasped at the fabric of his shirt. you pulled away for air, but just as quickly, he pulled you back in. hands moving to your waist, he pulled you impossibly closer as your hands found their way to his hair. he deepened the kiss, and you felt like you were on fire. nothing you had imagined was as good as this and none of the little touches you had shared before compared to the electricity flowing through you now.

when you both finally stopped, he leaned his forehead against yours, and you could feel his smile.

"i am sorry i ever made you doubt how i feel about you. Please let me spend a lifetime making it up to you." You kissed him again and pulled away breathless.

"There is nothing i want more"

[sloth-babied]

Just for a Few Minutes

Shuri x POC reader

Summary: In the midst of a mission, you and Shuri get stranded in space. Months later of failing to get back home, you catch her crying and try to make her feel better.

or

Reader is a touch-starved pathetic loser who Shuri takes an interest in.

Contains: Angst, hurt/comfort, shy reader, smut (18+), and a sprinkle of fluff.

Word count: 2.7k

Shuri’s been stuck at the wheel, stressing on getting back home. She hates this ship, if you can even call it that. It’s old and rusty. You’re surprised the ship hasn’t blown up yet.

You got used to the grumbling and shouting. It’s the same pattern over and over again, and it always ends with a dent in the metal wall or absolute silence: Shuri cheers, believing she’s tracked Earth’s location, then shouts profanities that you don’t understand when the janky ship randomly reroutes the coordinates.

All day Shuri sits in the cockpit, determined she’ll beat the ship at its ridiculous game, and you watch with crossed fingers each time. You often try to lend a hand, although she’s not very fun to work with when she’s angry.

And when she’s not angry, she cries. But only when she thinks you’re asleep. You’ll lay on your bed, back facing the rest of the ship, and glue your eyes on the wall, unable to sleep while she stifles her sobs either in the bathroom or her bed. 

Unlike Shuri, you didn’t have anyone to lose. Your teammates would tease you—call you a lone wolf. Unfortunately, they’re not wrong. 

Today, you hear the same quiet sniffling. 

You lay there, hesitant to move so she doesn’t know you’re listening. Or trying not to listen. But it’s hard not to when you’re a light sleeper. 

The benefit of being a light sleeper? No one can sneak up on you. 

The setback? Waking up to the only person you see every day cry almost every night.

However this night—or day, who knows really—is different. She doesn’t lay in the bed across from yours. Instead she sits in the cockpit, elbows on her lap and face buried in her hands.

Shuri’s body jumps when she hears the soft pads of your feet make their way over to her, but she doesn’t look at you. Maybe that’s for the best considering you have no idea what draws you to take the co-pilot’s seat. 

You’re unsure what to do. You rarely find yourself in a situation where you have to comfort someone, much less yourself. 

Looking straight ahead at the stars and distant galaxies, you speak. 

“I don’t miss anyone.” Wow. You’re already terrible at this.

Nonetheless, Shuri’s faintly head lifts, curious to hear where you’re going next.

You gulp, hoping you only say the right words.

“I mean, like, I don’t have anyone to, like, you know, miss. And there’s no one on Earth who’s, you know, missing me right now. Or looking for me for that matter. But I know that there are people searching for you.”

Shuri also looks ahead. “We’re galaxies away,” she states hopelessly.

“Which is probably why they’re taking so long,” you jokingly reply in an attempt to seem sensible.

You turn to Shuri, and the glint of hope that used to live in her eyes has gone, replaced with exhaustion.

“They’ll travel through those galaxies,” you hope to reassure her. “They will.”

You don’t even know if you believe that, though it doesn’t matter if you do or not as long as she believes it. 

For a minute, no one makes a sound before Shuri starts to whimper again.

An inaudible “woah” comes out of your mouth when you watch her conceal her face back in her hands. Mentally, you’re unsure how to react, which is ironic because your body somehow does: your bottom lifts off the seat and your arms make their way around the princess.

That’s what you do to make people feel better, right?

Her body stiffens and you scold yourself for being so hasty. You attempt to pull away and apologize before she snakes her arms around you, burying her head between your shoulder and neck. You stay there for a while, your knees on the hard floor as she soaks your shirt. 

You don’t say anything and she doesn’t need anything to be said. Silence is just fine.

You’re not used to offering affection, not even a simple hug. Its unfamiliarity makes you a little uncomfortable but you stay. She's the one who pulls away eventually. 

“Tired,” she says plainly.

You get on your feet and back up while she stands. The space between you and Shuri returns, mostly because of you. For you, really.

You attempt to shake off the odd feeling on your skin and in your chest as Shuri sits on her bed. She doesn’t tuck herself in though. She just looks at you.

You hate to say that the face she’s wearing seems familiar. It’s a face you’ve ignored on Earth. A face that wants something from you, but you don’t know what. Or you pretend you don’t know.

This time it’s different. You can sense what she wants, and like all the times before, you choose to ignore it, muttering a “goodnight” as you hurriedly walk to your bed.

“Wait.”

There’s no thought to it when your body halts. However, the anticipation flusters you.

It takes a second after you point your ear to her. You hear a heavy exhale leave her nose. 

“Can you…lie down with me?”

If you heard this on Earth, you’d simply tell her to go to sleep. At the moment you consider not even facing her again, but you regrettably turn your shoulder. And damn. There’s that face again–the inner corners of her eyebrows softly angled upward.

“Just for a few minutes,” she adds. 

Her eyes slowly glide away as she recognizes what she just requested. She wonders why she even asked you such a thing. She starts to shake her head, nearly retracting what she said.

“Sure,” you say. This is probably a mistake.

Your answer obviously surprises her. You don’t have that type of relationship to even lay together, let alone make any physical contact that wasn’t a pat on the shoulder.

You take up the little space left after Shuri scooches. She faces the wall and you lay on your back, unable to move freely. Even your leg hangs off the edge.

But you still can’t seem to shake off that feeling. 

It feels strange. Sort of awkward. But something about it also feels…nice, you think. You’ve never done this with someone. The thought of it was too foreign to even consider.

The version of you before would have cringed at the possibility of this happening. But this version of you–the one who has spent months stranded in space, building whatever connection you have with Shuri–doesn’t mind her back pressed against your arm. This version of you doesn’t mind how warm she feels next to you despite the spacecraft’s low temperatures.

You stare at the back of her head contemplating whether or not you should throw your arm over her waist. To comfort her, of course. 

No, probably not. 

Facing the ceiling again, you wait for Shuri to fall asleep until you hear sniffling again. You can’t solve sorrow with one conversation, can you?

“Shuri?” You whisper. She doesn’t respond. You turn over and place your hand on her bicep. “Shuri,” you try again.

You pull at her with no force and she rolls on her back, wiping her cheek. 

“Sorry,” she murmurs sheepishly.

“No, no,” you reach for her face. “It’s alright.”

She gives you full access, staring at you when you begin rubbing away as many tears as you can. You hit a point where her face is mostly dried up, but you don’t remove your hand. You both lay on your sides and you just keep cleaning.

Shuri reaches for your cheek, dragging the back of her hand up and down, mimicking your touch. Your eyes flutter shut, welcoming the new sensation.

She whispers your name.

You open your eyes. “What?”

God, that face.

“I’m gonna kiss you.”

Your hand pauses on her cheek. “Okay.”

She grabs your neck, pressing her lips to yours. And it feels…really good. Her lips are soft, but dry. She observes the same for your lips, but none of you actually mind.  

Oh man, is this what you’ve deprived yourself of all this time? You can’t get enough of this. You can’t get enough of her, especially when she tilts her head, kissing you deeper. She eagerly pushes you on your back and gets on top of you, hungrily molding herself against you. 

A moan escapes the back of your throat when her lips move to your jaw, trailing down. Her lips tingle down your neck, particularly when she rests there to mark your skin. 

You enjoy this feeling. The overwhelming state you’ve never allowed yourself to enter before.

Shuri lifts the hem of your shirt, snaking her hand under your pants. Your thighs instinctively open as she cups your pussy and your breath hitches when her thumb begins circling your clit.

Jesus, you’re sensitive. You’ve touched yourself here and there, but it never felt like this. 

You choose to look down and your arousal grows just by the disappearance of her hand beneath your clothing. She slides her middle finger between your folds and you dismiss her chuckles when she recognizes how incredibly wet you are. You’re too horny and touch-starved to even worry about it. 

She sits up, one hand at your pussy and the other next to your head. She inserts a finger and drags it out, continuing this motion as her thumb messily rubs your bud.

“You like it when I do this?” Oh, she knows you do.

“Yeah,” you mutter after she inserts her ring finger, staring at you writhe below her.

You turn away, squeezing your eyes shut. Your arm sits on your forehead, covering your eyes, but Shuri pulls the arm away from your face.

“Keep looking at me,” she commands softly.

As piercing as her eyes are, you do as she says and she rewards you by pumping faster. Your mouth opens, your breath quickens, and your hand grips her pillow and the other flies to her bicep, seeking to hold something. 

She hums, responding to your desperate whines; your wetness coating her fingers. She takes advantage of your parted mouth and consumes your lips, slipping in her tongue.

You can’t tell if it’s her fingers or her tongue that make you cum, but holy shit, who fucking cares at this point? Your body shakes and your hips lift involuntarily. And even better, Shuri continues to thrust in and out of you, gradually slowing her pace as your orgasm sends you into a disorientated state of ecstasy.

You pull away from her lips, catching your breath.

Shuri smirks. “You look pretty when you cum.” 

And you’re brought back down to…well, not Earth. With a groan, you cover your face, but only for a second, too keen to see an expression that wasn’t a frown on her face.

“I bet you’d look even better,” you sit up to kiss her. “Can you lay back?” 

She obeys, switching positions with you. You hope to appease her even though you don’t fully know what you’re doing. 

“Tell me what to do,” you rub her knee. “I wanna make you feel good, but I don’t know where to start.”

An inquisitive look appears on her face, processing what you’ve just told her. She leans up using her elbows to support her.

“Was that your first time?” 

You tilt your head side to side. “Sorta, yeah. I mean, there was this one girl a while ago, but she didn’t get…as far as you did.” 

You didn’t let her get as far as Shuri did, to be specific.

“Bast,” she gapes at you. “I suppose that makes sense.”

“Please don’t make it awkward.”

She shakes her head. “I…Okay, yeah–no. I won’t.” The gears keep turning in her head to the point where she smiles to herself. “I’m your first?”

“Okay,” you murmur, shifting away from her before Shuri draws you back with your wrist.

“Don’t go,” she giggles. “That’s okay. I’ll guide you.” She pecks your lips. “I’m sorry.” She pecks your lips again. “We’ll go slow.”

You nod nervously.

“What do you wanna do, hm?” She caresses your cheek, seeing how tense you’ve become. 

You peer down at her pants, shrugging. “Wanna touch you…however you want me to.”

“However?” She gives you one last kiss below your jaw before laying on her back. “Okay. Help me take this off.”

The heat kicks back in. You start removing her pants until she impatiently kicks the rest off the bed, leading you both to laugh. 

“Just start by kissing me first,” Shuri reaches for your arm.

You happily oblige, enveloping her lips with yours, your body between her legs. You breathe her in—promptly addicted, that’s for sure. Your chests press together and you can feel her breasts beneath you, nipples as firm as yours. 

Your hand hesitantly slides under her shirt. You stop before you reach her breast. “Is it okay if-”

“It’s okay,” she drags your hand to her breast and you gently squeeze before flicking her nipple. You successfully earn a moan from her. Fuck, you only wanna do things that’ll get a noise out of her. 

You kiss her chin, her jaw, dip to her neck, then down to her clavicle, hoping to descend further. Shuri reads your mind, removing her shirt and throwing it aside. You fervently reconnect your mouth to her skin, stopping at her sternum. Her hand shoots to the back of your head when your lips slide to her breast and your tongue circles around her areola, flicking on her nipple before engulfing it. Another moan leaves her, encouraging you to suck. Your free hand plays with her other breast, flicking and tugging before gliding down to her pussy. You find her clitoris beneath her underwear, circling it between your index and middle finger.

Shuri mumbles in Xhosa as you slip off her underwear.

Your mouth releases her breast and you get up. You gaze at her body, licking your lips. You stay there, naively contemplating what you hope to do to her. She notices. 

Her half-lidded eyes inspect your expression. “What do you wanna do?” 

Your fingers keep playing with her as you think. You look down at them, enthralled by her body’s response to your touch. You land on something. “Wanna eat you out.”

Shuri lets out a breathy laugh. “I’m surprised you know what cunnilingus is,” she jokes.

You chuckle. “Shut up.”

You aim for her stomach, kissing your way down to her pussy. You remove your fingers from her clit, pausing once you’ve positioned your head between her legs. Your eyes lock on hers when you flatten your tongue and lick.

“Yeah,” her hand lands on the side of head, watching you intently. “Just keep doing that.”

And you do. You lick and suck her, allowing the volume of her voice to guide you. You wrap your arms around each of her thighs, getting comfortable the more she coats your mouth and chin.

“Does that feel good?” You muffle against her pussy.

“Yeah,” she grinds on your face. “Feels…feels really good.”

Shuri gasps your name and throws her head back when you sneak a finger inside her cunt, thrusting in and out. She whimpers when you add another digit, curling the pads of your fingers. She curses in her native language, sighing, “right there,” when you hit her spot and you stare, admiring her whine and whimper because of you.

You continue to suck her clit until her body shudders intensely as she approaches her climax. She wonders if you’ve switched off the ship’s gravity because her mind spaces off blissfully.

You want to see that again.

She releases a heavy sigh and lifts herself to look at you while you sit up.

“Did I do okay?” You ask.

She yanks you by your shirt and smashes her lips on yours, tasting herself. 

You laugh against her mouth. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

She pulls away, but lingers with her forehead against yours. She drags her fingernails up and down your neck. “Thank you.”

And she means it. You’re both lonely already. She needed the distraction and you’re apparently much more desperate for affection than you thought you were.

Jokingly you furrow your brows anyway. 

“Do people normally thank each other after sex?”

She clicks her tongue and flicks your forehead, saying your name in a scolding manner.

“Ow!” You yelp, laughing as you palm the spot she flicked. 

Shuri smiles humorously, rubbing your forehead despite the lack of pain.

[jaelaxies]

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･

fluff; wc:. 634.

Soobin x fem reader!;good sugary fluff; established relationship au!; domestic fluff!; tw: none.

Song recommendation:  Call It What You Want —Taylor Swift (reputation)

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･

I observed in utter silence the slow pace of his breathing, his big rosy lips parted apart just enough to let a swift current air let go out of his mouth; his black hair was falling softly in his forehead. I smiled, admiring him. The way his eyelashes were longer than mine and how they had the pleasure to cover the most beautiful doe eyes that ever looked at me; his chest rising and falling in a rhythmic motion; his long arm curled around my waist, our legs tangled together and our foreheads touching. This was home.

I closed my eyes when the flashing memory of meeting Soobin appeared in my head. It was my most treasured memory. At that time, I couldn’t believe less in fairy tales or fate. Fingers were always pointed at me, rated like a service and criticized at every movement; rumors spreading about my life were more interesting than the solitary one I lived. I didn’t know if anyone could love someone like me, but there was one soul who stepped out of the ugly crowd. In the vast sea of jesters, snakes and judges, there stood a real prince.

Treated my thorns like a maze and made his way slowly but surely to the entrance to my heart. Soobin was special, never judging my past mistakes rather focusing in the present me, sparkly eyes always greeting me with a smile and a hug. He made a withered rose bloom again. Always walking next to me and intertwining our very different hands to make me feel safe; made me realize that I had fallen for this gentleman long time ago and was too afraid to even say it and ruin everything. But, that fateful day, running to me; rain covering his whole body and engulfing me in a hug, the same familiar embrace I grew to love; I accepted this love of ours could last for way more than I thought.

—I love you, Choi Soobin. — I whispered while softly separating his black locks to place my lips in his forehead, kissing it. He stirred a bit, waking up slowly; his eyes still glistening but his soft gaze met me with a lopsided smile.

—I love you more. — He whispered in a raspy low tone, still his words always made my inside feel this warmth that was inexplicably peaceful and I loved it. He lowered his head to my neck, just resting there, nuzzling his face a bit before brushing his lips just over the shiny metal of the chain with his initial, dangling at the end. Can we stay a little bit more like this? — I said while he took his time to fully hug me now, both of his arms pulling me even closer to him. I laughed in a whisper and let my hand travel to the back of his head, playing with the ends of his hair. Immediately hearing his grateful humming, he always liked the small gestures and I always liked to feel his happiness like I did now, his body language was as relaxed as ever; the whole faded to nothing when we were with each other.

—We can stay like this forever…— He spoke again, his voice barely reaching my ears but I could feel the smile forming in his lips as he caressed my jaw with feather like kisses. I smiled too, this was like a dream; except it wasn’t, Soobin was mine and I was his. — The world can wait.

Yes, the world could wait. I giggled and allowed my head to wonder to dreamland as I adjusted my position to be more comfortable, my eyelids starting to close as sleep took over me; his last words echoing softly in my mind. A forever with Soobin? That sounded about right.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･

Thanks for all the love on the recent post's, i appreciate it so much! writing has been helping me to get some stress out of my system and seeing you guys enjoy it just makes my day🤍

As always, feedback is really appreciated and I’ll love if you could reblog or comment if you really liked this one!

With love, *°࿐Stella🤍

[lucy90712]

Puppy- Pedri

Life has been a lot recently I moved away from my hometown and my parents to move in with my boyfriend after being long distance for nearly two years. Getting to live with him has been amazing I love Pedri so much and now we don't have to miss each other in between being able to visit one another. Moving from Tenerife to Barcelona has also meant I needed to find a new job which luckily didn't take long so I've just started at a new company and moved which is a lot all at once but so far it's been mostly good.

I do feel like I'm kind of just getting through each day I wake up and then I'm at work and then I come back home again. My life doesn't feel like my life anymore I had a whole routine back home but now everything is different and I don't have the little things in my routine that helped each day feel less mundane. The best part of my day is when Pedri gets home and we can cuddle on the sofa and watch a movie which has become a daily routine. Don't get me wrong I love my new life as I get to be with Pedri but it's a lot of change all at once and I feel like it's finally catching up to me and I'm starting to miss home a little. 

It's going to take some time to get used to being here but I'm sure eventually Barcelona will start to feel like home and I'll forget all about this time where I felt out of place. I know this is where I'm supposed to be as otherwise Pedri would've never come into my life and he's definitely the best thing that's ever happened to me. When we get used to living together and I get used to the city I'm sure it will all be perfect right now we are just going through an adjustment period. 

Pedri's POV

Like most days when Y/n got home she seemed stressed until she saw me then she put a fake smile on her face. I can tell she's faking it because the smile didn't reach her eyes like it always does when she's actually smiling. I know the move has been a lot on her we both knew the first few weeks would be hard but I can tell she's still struggling and that just breaks my heart. It's not that she doesn't want to be here as when we go places together she really enjoys herself but whenever I have to leave her or she goes to work the next time I see her she looks stressed and just generally unhappy. 

I should've known that moving so far from home and getting a new job all at the same time would be hard for her but I underestimated how big of a change that would be for her. I remember when I first moved here I didn't know anyone and it was my first time living alone it was scary and I missed home a lot and that must be how y/n feels as I know she is really close to her family so not being close to them distance wise anymore is difficult. I want to do something to make her feel more at home here but I have no idea what the right thing to do is as I can't just magically help her settle in. 

This has been on my mind for a few days and I can't decide the right thing to do so I've decided that I'm going to ask some of the other guys if they have any ideas. I've told Ferran about my dilemma but he was no use and the same goes for Gavi neither of them gave me any serious ideas they just joked around like they always do. Asking them made it clear that I need to talk to one of the older guys who might actually offer some sensible advice. 

"Hey Raphinha can I get your advice on something?" I asked 

"Of course man what's up" he said 

"You know y/n moved in with me a few months ago well I just feel like she hasn't fully settled in and I don't know what to do she just seems stressed and unhappy" I said 

"That's hard she must just miss home I know this isn't the answer your looking for but time is the best thing for that and just talk to her asking her how she feels will help you understand what you can do to take some of the stress away" he advised 

"Thanks man I'll definitely talk to her" I said 

"Wait Pedri did you say y/'s missing home" one of coaches said from across the hallway 

"Yeah she just seems to be lonely I guess she's only got me and anyone I've introduced her to so when we aren't around that's when she seems to be the worst" I said 

"This might not be the solution you're looking for but my brother found a puppy dumped in a bin last night maybe having something in the house would help y/n feel less lonely if you want to meet the puppy I'll give you my brothers number" he said 

"Actually that sounds like a great idea" I said 

Getting a puppy was definitely not something I'd planned on doing for a while as I'm not around as much as I would need to be to look after a dog and I didn't want to put that all on y/n as she's getting used to life here but maybe it would be good for her. Having a little puppy around the house to keep her company while I'm not around sounds like a great idea to me and she can meet new people taking the dog for a walk. 

~~~~~~~~~~

After seeing the puppy my mind was made up he was so sweet and he reminded me a lot of the family dog y/n has back home which seemed like a sign that this was the decision I needed to make. It took a few days to get everything sorted but finally today I picked up the puppy and brought him home to explore a bit before y/n got home from work. So far he's done just that he hasn't stopped running around and playing with the few toys I got him as well as my shoes but we will work on stopping that another day. 

Your POV

Today has been a long day we had a big presentation at work today and I had a few important meetings and now I'm just exhausted. When I pulled into the driveway Pedri's car was already there and that made me feel a little better as seeing him and cuddling with him sounds like it will make all my problems go away at least for tonight. As I entered the door I saw a little plastic ball on the floor which had me confused as I don't know why Pedri would have one of those or why it would just be on the floor. Then it all made sense when a tiny ball of black fluff ran towards me grabbed the ball and ran away again towards Pedri who picked up the puppy and brought it towards me. 

As soon as he placed the puppy in my arms I was in love it looked exactly like my parents dog back home which they got when I was little and we grew up together. Holding the puppy made me feel like I had a bit of home with me and it reminded me of my childhood and all of the photos I have with my parents dog. 

"Whose dog is this?" I asked Pedri 

"He's ours" he said 

"I have so many questions" I said 

"Well one of our coaches at the club overheard me talking to Raphinha about how I think you've been missing home and feeling lonely here and said that his brother found a puppy dumped in a bin so I went and met the puppy and instantly knew he'd be a perfect fit for us and I know we both have busy lives but I thought he'd keep you company while I'm away" Pedri explained 

"Who would dump this little cutie" I cooed to the puppy

"I do have one last question does he have a name yet?" He asked 

"I haven't properly named him yet as I didn't want to do it without you but I was thinking we could call him Nilo" he said 

"I like that welcome to our crazy household Nilo" I said 

Pedri took my bag off me while I took Nilo to the living room so I could sit and play with him to destress from my day. It didn't take long for Pedri to join us and we both threw the little ball across the room and watched little Nilo scamper after it. A puppy would've been the last thing I thought I wanted if you'd have asked me even just yesterday but I actually think Pedri is right Nilo is going to be great at keeping me company when no one else is here and having such a happy little thing here to greet me when I get home is definitely going to brighten my days. It feels like I've got a little bit of my life from back home here now that we have a dog and hopefully that will help make Barcelona feel like home. 

For the rest of the night we didn't take our attention off Nilo but eventually we had to go to bed now we had agreed that Nilo wouldn't sleep in the bed with us but that went out the window within two seconds. As soon as we saw him sitting on the floor in his bed whimpering and wanting our attention Pedri got up and put him on our bed which stopped his crying instantly. Nilo was quick to make himself comfy in my arms as Pedri put his arms around me and we settled down for the night as some sort of weird family.

"Thank you for getting Nilo just having him here has made me feel more at home" I said 

"There's no need to thank me I just want you to be comfortable here and honestly as soon as I saw him there was no way I was leaving without him he was just too cute" Pedri laughed 

"He certainly is cute you have competition now" I joked 

"I don't think I'm going to win that competition" he said 

"No you won't but I still love you" I said 

"More than Nilo?" He asked 

"Of course for now at least" I joked 

Pedri rolled his eyes but I know he feels the exact same way I do. 

[1ivinqdeadqir1]

Hi, I hope you’re doing good, I saw your post about exams and same here, it’s hard just to wake up to go to school in the morning. 😭 Anyway, I just read the post about Lalo being your first time, and I was wondering when you could find time, if you could write the same prompt just with Nacho? Oml the brainrot is HEAVYYYY. If not, that’s completely okay! Thank you so much.

Nacho Varga being his SOs first:

A/N: similarly to the Lalo one, I used different ‘ first time ‘ circumstances and I think it turned out pretty cute, gotta love nachito <33

Fem!Reader (implied, though you could very well just use whatever pronouns or gender identity you like)

WARNING(S): mentions of sex, kissing and death, generally just nacho behaviour tbh

First relationship:

he wouldn’t really mind at all, he’d be a little intimidated maybe at first and feel as though there’s a lot of expectations he’d have to fill

But you’d ( of course ) reassure him that he’s doing great <33

I can imagine you meeting at his fathers shop, and he greets you at the counter and he can’t stop thinking about how gorgeous you are

“ I was uh.. if you’re free later maybe we could go for a drink?”

“I’d love to, Ignacio. pick me up at 7 okay?”

His father also adores you. Papa Varga really admires how you bring out the good in his son

Nacho probably has a gym set at his house let’s be for real

Imagine training together ( if you’re into that )

Him accidentally giving you weights that are too heavy and when your muscles ache afterward he apologizes and gives you a massage

“Ignacio, where did you learn to give massages like this?”

“It’s pretty straightforward really… I guess”

He’s not much for PDA, just for his reputation but if it’s just the two of you he’d happily hold you

Once you’re aware of his job he’d be hyper vigilant over you ( you probably have to find out on your own…)

Nacho definitely has a fake ID made for you in his safe. Just in case.

First Kiss:

he initiates it, or at least goes to- and you pull away.

“ sorry, I-“

“No no nacho, it’s me I just… I haven’t…”

“ oh 😳” he’d find it really cute, maybe a little weird since I imagine you’re around 23-25, but still.

You give him a quick peck on the cheek to compensate when he’s not looking, and he can’t help but smile stupidly into his hand.

This all probably takes place with you both sitting watching the sunset from inside one of his cars or an old truck borrowed from his dad for a romantic date night. In the middle of nowhere.

“You’re going to be the death of me” he sighs it out, and you laugh it off, though he’s a little worried that part of him is being truthful.

Not for his sake, more for yours. Because how can he develop such a love for someone-

who then loves him back, for him to just die and leave you all alone?

“You’re so dramatic sometimes… tough guy”

Your first PROPER kiss is probably after the 4th date, something relaxed like a movie at his place and food.

You initiate it this time, reluctantly, but he welcomes it.

“ that was… new”

“ oh shut up and just kiss me already”

And he does, smiling like a fool because he just has such a love for you. He doesn’t say as much as he should, but nacho doesn’t have to say it all the time for you to know.

First time having sex (NSFW):

Your confidence has probably gone up a lot since your first kiss with him, and being with him in general honestly

He’s still nacho, though a lot less stressed than usual, he has you to come home to so now he has something else to fight for.

Some days when he comes home you miss him more than he’d imagined,

I can’t imagine nacho taking you on regular shopping trips, though if you needed something and asked he’d oblige.

Besides, you like earning your own money, it makes you feel… accomplished, and appreciate the work that went into getting it.

So when he comes home and you’ve gotten a new set of underwear or pajamas he’d be so flustered, and maybe a little confused

“I- uh, they look… nice”

You’d initiate it this time, and ask him whether or not he’s going to hurry up and bend you over

As a… half joke, of course

After some very much needed TLC from you and some from him, he’s relatively gentle when it comes to the actual intercourse bit

Especially because he can just guess based on the fact you hadn’t even had your first kiss that you’re more than likely a virgin to

“We can stop if it hurts okay?”

“You’re so sweet baby, it doesn’t hurt”

It does. Not as much as your friends had made it out to be, but still you can definitely feel a slight burning feeling

Aftercare is pretty important to Nacho, just because he likes seeing you so relaxed and carefree sprawled out on his bed as he cleans over your body with a damp lukewarm washcloth.

Expect lots of uncharacteristic hugging and kisses as well

He’s the big spoon, tho he’s not really bothered what he is as long as you’re close to him

“You smell so nice Ignacio”

“Mmhm”

We know he doesn’t talk a lot, but you know exactly what he means

You’d turn to face him and press kisses along his chest and the scar he’d gotten from Tuco

“You're so beautiful”

At first he doesn’t really understand what you mean by beautiful, since he’s a guy, and it seems a bit… odd to talk to a guy like that

But he inevitably chuckles and asks “ how so?”

“ you’re just… a beautiful man, inside and out.”

Damn, talk about a sting to the heart, he’ll definitely remember that in his depressed ass moments

“You’re trying to make me soft hm?”

“No! You just…”

“ I know, I’m only joking”

“You and your jokes… nachito”

You’d both then fall asleep, you first then him.

He doesn’t sleep for long, about 2 hours or so

And when he wakes up he just looks down at you and can’t even begin to wonder what he did to deserve someone so perfect

too bad this was one of the last times you’d ever see him alive 💀

[that-one-creepy-hoe]

Could we maybe get some headcanons on what a night with Tim/Masky, Brian/hoodie, or Eyeless Jack would look like? What they’re like before heading off to sleep, what they do as part of their routines, how they get comfortable, etc? 🫶

I love this ask because it lets me be delulu in my love for my three favorite men <3

Warnings: Mostly just fluff/ Mentions of sex in hoodie and EJ's part but no actual sex occurs

Brian/ Hoodie

I think that Brian/ Hoodie gets the most sleep out of these three men. While he does have nightmares about his past that plague him during his sleep he has no trouble falling right back into sleep

I also headcanon this man as an extremely heavy sleeper, like the kind where he Has to sleep with his phone right next to his head so that way he can actually hear when he’s being summoned. 

Probably gets about 7-8 hours of sleep on a GREAT day and about 5 to 6 on average. He is also a morning person but isn’t happy about it.

Like he has no issue being awake early for work, but makes it everyone’s problem that he’s awake until he gets truly awake (which doesn’t happen til 9 am)

I also feel like he cannot stay awake at night for the life of him. Like the only way you could get this man to stay up late for anything is sex tbh

I also feel like Hoodie cannot sleep in for the life of him while Brian will have zero issues sleeping in til 9 or 10 am

This man does not know what a morning shower is. What do you mean ‘Just go to sleep after I get home?’ That’s disgusting! He HAS to shower before he sleeps or he feels dirty. While he wouldn’t judge you for it most times he definitely will (not so subtly) subtly ask if you wanna shower with him. He also probably has a mini skincare routine to wash his face bc it makes him feel Bonita 

I also headcanon that he has a little autism in him (same) and HAS to do these things before he feels comfy enough to sleep. If he doesn’t then he gets a shit amount of sleep and feels like shit the next day.

This man can only sleep if he’s facing you, especially if he is cuddled up next to you. He feels restless if he doesn’t have you or something to curl up into. Probably sleepily mumbles to you about random things before he passes out mid-sentence.  

Has one of those deep-in-his-chest snores that you can only hear against his chest 

Tim/ Masky

Tim definitely gets shit for brain sleep. Like he has to take some STRONG-ass sleeping pills to keep himself asleep for more than 3 hours. Speaking of which, he probably doesn't get more than 5 hours of sleep on a good day because of this. His nightmares accompanied by the looming thoughts of work make it hard for him to truly relax.

He’s NOT a morning person and is a night owl by nature. Mostly because of all of the paperwork that he has to do before his day is truly over. 

This man probably takes naps right after work before he starts all his paperwork so he can get all of his things done. Speaking of this, don’t ever interrupt his nap. He uses this time to decompress from the stress of being Slender’s bitch. Like even Tim is a pissy fuck when he cannot sleep after work.

The most you can get him to do right before bed is to shower if he is particularly gross but most times he just takes all of his dirty clothes off of him and leaves his boxers on and that’s it. 

He is basically the opposite of Brian/ Hoodie when he is about to fall asleep. He cannot sleep facing people, it makes him feel too vulnerable but typically ends up waking up with you cuddled up to him. The closest you could get to him facing you is if he falls asleep on the couch next to you. In which case he just leans on you or lays his head in your lap. 

Once he starts to get sleepy he just straight up stops talking. Like he only answers in grunts and he refuses to speak actual sentences. 

Jack

I am in love with him and we’re married so I have a LOT to say abt this fine man

ANYWAYS

He also has a routine but he is less skincare and more like, I HAVE to check every door three times, take a shower, make sure every pillow is in order TWICE, and brush my teeth. Like he HAS to make sure everything is checked upon before he sleeps or else he either A) feels like he’s not safe or B) is too irritated to fall asleep

I feel like he will refuse to sleep unless your sleep with him. He will just straight up go days without sleeping until his body forces him to.

Like I feel like in general he doesn’t need much sleep at night to function at 100% he really only needs about 4-5 hours AT MOST before he’s ready for the day

Makes sure you are as comfortable as him before he sleeps

He’ll ask you what you need to do before you sleep and will either do it with you or do it himself so that he can spend as much time with you in bed

He probably just spends 5 hours a night sleeping and the rest of the night curiously watching you sleep just because it brings him comfort (And horny sometimes). Watching you be so vulnerable with him that you’d fall asleep by his side brings him comfort (and sometimes a hard-on) 

He sleeps pretty easily and doesn’t really have dreams but when he does they’re nightmares from his past that keep him awake for the rest of the night

Sometimes if they’re really bad he’ll cry in his sleep and kick like he’s running in his dream. This will probably have you awake before he jumps awake from his dream in a cold sweat.

All it takes is to cuddle up by his side and comfort him as you lazily rub his chest before he can be soothingly be coaxed back into sleep

He is like a puppy where he makes grunts or growls and moves a lot from his dreams

Don’t mention it or he will be too embarrassed to sleep in the same bed as you again

I feel like he would have an old dog snore if he’s really exhausted or like a throaty snore regularly 

[plague-karm]

Hadalpelagic Zone Part 6 time hell yeah. It’s been around a month since Sebastian moved in with the gang so this is less of a narrative piece and more of a catch up session…mostly. So here’s how everyone’s been doing recently.

Bentley

•This man is absolutely killing it

•He’s bought a lot more instruments and he knows the basics on how to use all of them (he does accordion solos at least once a day)

•Makes breakfast since he’s the only one with a decent sleep schedule

•He’s beginning to perform a lot more outside of town and he’s become popular as a result

•Him and Lena are still close but they’re drifting a little for “reasons”

•He’s very good at keeping the fact they have a failed science experiment living with them, makes up excuses on a dime and everyone believes him

•Has built up the ULTIMATE button up wardrobe, even in winter he wears them

•”Hey Ley are you sure you aren’t cold in that-?”

•”NOPE!”

•Usually the one to organise events

•Still pisses off Sebastian every chance he gets (he’s very easy to tease)

Lena

•Say hello to the company’s new head accountant!

•She is going up in the world and she shows her excitement in very normal ways (she looks like she’s tweaking in every company picture she’s in bless her)

•A lot bubblier now, she likes telling people about the ✨numbers✨

•Still goes out partying on occasion but has a healthier work-life balance than before

•Her motor issues have come back thanks to her body getting used to normal conditions again, the others help her out if it gets too much

•Dripped out to the MAX. Affliction? Tripp NYC? Cupcake Cult? She has it all (there’s a reason she took the room with the walk-in closet)

•Struggles with walking home at night thanks to all the times she almost got killed in the Blacksite but keeps up a brave face for Valen’s sake

•Still goes to Sebastian’s room whenever she’s stressed out of impulse, she’s quiet though so he doesn’t mind

Valen

•He’s gotten better at going outside

•Has started making felt puppets, does 18+ puppet shows for the others on weekends, they’re weirdly invested in it

•Has started going to therapy to help him process what he went through in the Blacksite (the only one who’s in therapy finally in this group that’s emotionally mature)

•Started back at the florists

•He’s really struggling with keeping the fact that he’s living with an abomination of nature that may or may not be one of the most dangerous creatures currently living a secret idk

Sebastian

•Has somewhat gotten used to living with other people in a normal way, he really isn’t used to being seen as just “a guy” again y’know? Being seen as an equal is weird

•Argues with Bentley all the time, especially in the morning, Lena and Valen bet on who’s going to win

•He got a custom guitar made for him since Lena has a lot of connections, he almost cried when he received it

•His hair’s longer now (he sometimes ties it up)

•He missed normal food so much oh my god

•His sister’s a tattoo artist so she covered up the branding he received from Urbanshade with a badass anchor snake, the trio approves

•He talks to Valen a lot more due to them having the same mother tongue, yes they drink cerveza cristal, yes he orders it in multiple crates (he hasn’t had a drop of the stuff in years let him live 😭)

•He keeps his door open at night because of the amount of times Lena comes in

•He wakes up later than everyone else because his eyes are still adjusting to the sunlight

•His room has bioluminescent lighting on the walls

•He still has trauma regarding what happened to him and his body so his room gets torn up a lot as a result, he cleans up afterwards though. The others are aware of this and they leave him to do his thing (it’s too risky to approach him in his feral state)

•He’s still an alt guy at heart but he wears a lot of fancy stuff for the sake of his dignity (the fuckass cravat gave me ideas alright?)

•I feel like a lot of old music played throughout the Hadal Blacksite intercoms as a form of psychological torture for its residents so their sense of time could get warped so he kind of got used to it after a while. It plays in his room sometimes

•He overhears EVERYTHING the trio talk about upstairs, the blackmail he has is endless

•He knows about what happened to Bentley’s family, but he never brings it up because he has limits, he’s a condescending asshole but he isn’t a monster (no matter how much he tries to convince himself that he is)

•He knows that SOMETHING happened to Lena that caused her to runaway from home…he can never hear it properly though, he hears her humming a lot at night whenever she’s working on analytics downstairs, it helps him sleep

•He also knows that Valen’s still heavily effected by what he saw in the Blacksite, a part of him feels somewhat guilty considering the monsters being released was his doing but he found out that the others didn’t really blame him for going off the deep end so that guilt isn’t something that haunts him all that much

•Still sells stuff but does it in an incognito way (old habits die hard), wears a massive cloak and does it in really isolated locations like under a bridge or something idk

•He becomes an urban legend in town because of this. Bentley really wants to milk it but he isn’t letting him profit off his likeness

•Yes fat fish Friday is canon here, this man literally has whale dna you can gaslight me all you want he is NOT a twink lmao

•Is surprised that all of them are actually doing a good job at keeping him a secret…

It doesn’t last long though.

[riley-coyotl]

First Monthly Puppy Report Card for Kelpie!

Now that we’ve had her for a little over a month, here is our first puppy report card for Kelpie (idea yoinked from @kangals!), for her progress from 8 – 13 weeks. Be prepared for these to contain Too Many Notes because that's just how I am. Categories subject to be added to or change as she matures and things become more or less relevant.

Food (drive, appetite, sensitivity): 🟡 - Moderate food drive, she loves to eat but sometimes gets picky with treats and we’re still figuring out what works best to motivate her (flavors, textures, variety?) She also loses interest in most food treats if she’s overwhelmed/overstimulated, which has its advantages and disadvantages re:training. Also, if I give her a chew that’s too big and/or not interesting enough, she won’t usually eat/work on it right away and becomes very interested in finding a place to “bury” it for later. She’s very good at burying things and it’s very cute, but I think sometimes it’s stressful for her feeling like she has to get it buried, and I wish she’d just eat the dang things...makes it harder to occupy her when I need to (pen/crate/separation training etc.) She does have a great appetite for her puppy food though and is always stoked for meal times! She does unfortunately seem to get some tummy upset fairly regularly, I think from when she has eaten too many rich treats at once...see above re:figuring out what works best for training treats. :/

Toys: 🟢 - Super playful, loves to play with toys—with us, with the other dogs, or by herself! She loves tug and has a wonderful natural retrieve which I’ve been encouraging and reinforcing. We’re working on baby toy skills, biting the toy and not my hand, switching between toys, encouraging focusing on the correct toy when playing alongside the other dogs, and gradually improving there. She does still think another dog having a toy makes it more interesting, but we’re working on her staying on her own toy and not stealing theirs, and she’s learning.

Sleeping: 🟢/🟡 - Settles in her pen in our bedroom pretty much right away at night, and will usually sleep for 6-8 hours… BUT in the same pen during the day (and this is a problem because between me and my partner, he sleeps at night and I usually sleep during the morning/day,) she is only able to settle/sleep 2-4 hours at a time before she wakes me up needing to go out. At this point she typically settles in her bedroom pen quickly during the day too but occasionally she’ll be a little restless/whiny first. As for napping during our wake cycle hours (e.g. in the pen in our family room where there is more activity, or on the couch,) she sometimes has a hard time settling and will fight her sleepiness. I think she prefers it to be dark when she’s sleeping, but she is getting better about that.

Crating/separation: 🟢/🟡 - Haven’t done much work with the actual crate yet; kinda introducing it slowly, she’ll happily go inside to earn treats, and she sleeps in it on her own fairly regularly, but I haven’t shut her inside for longer than half an hour here or there while she works on a frozen stuffed snack. That said, for management/confinement we’ve been using puppy pens in the family room and our bedroom instead of crating, and she has become fairly decent at being left in her pen(s) when we leave the room or go to sleep (see above (sleeping) re:her ability to settle in her pens,) which is a HUGE improvement from when we first brought her home and she was constantly crying at any separation whatsoever. She’s also pretty good at entertaining herself with her toys in her pen, but she does sometimes get some FOMO if we’re around/“available” but she can’t be involved, and will whine/yap a bit before giving up and entertaining herself. Also, at this point, we have been able to leave her home in her pen in our bedroom while we leave the house for up to around 2 hours (haven’t tried longer yet,) giving her a frozen stuffed snack, which she happily eats and then settles and sleeps until we return. She’s doing really great with that!

Potty training: 🟢 - Aside from her having a UTI when she was 8 weeks old that caused her to be waking us up every hour to go outside when we first got her, she’s been doing pretty great! She is pretty darn good at letting us know when she needs to go out. Accidents have been relatively few, and she has only pooped in the house I think once in the entire time we’ve had her (and it was entirely my fault for missing her asking to go out.) She has also mostly figured out the potty bells all by herself just from watching the big dogs! She still can’t hold her pee very long when she’s awake/active, and occasionally if she’s busy playing she won’t realize she needs to go until it’s Too Late, but I know that stuff will improve with time/maturity.

General training: 🟢/🟡 - She is really smart and has picked up a lot just by observing things (which she does a lot of observation, she’s a clever little pup!) That said, her attention span for training sessions isn’t that great yet, and I think she’s not particularly good at generalizing behaviors in different environments yet either. So we do not have a lot of behaviors actually on cue yet, and mainly I have just been focusing on play, engagement, handling, socialization, and just foundational skills for the behaviors I want to teach in the future, rather than training specific behaviors. And we’re still figuring out the best treats to use to motivate her in various contexts. That said, I’ve noticed that we’ve already developed a decent language of communication with each other despite not having done a ton of formal training, and I’m pretty proud of that!

For specific behaviors, though I can’t say she “knows” them with any fluency, she’s working on sit, down, stand, touch (nose target to hand,) chin rest (cooperative care foundation,) muzzle (stick her face in a cup,) as well as eye contact, and foundations for drop it and leave it. A few other things too, like basic luring and shaping skills, but nothing is remotely “finished” yet and practically nothing reliably on a verbal cue so I feel a little behind hahah :’) (but I remember feeling the same way about Juni too and it all worked out, slow and steady wins the race!)

Recall/Off-leash skills: 🟢 - Currently don’t have a recall cue aside from “pup-pup-pup-pup!” but she is doing great about that and is pretty reliable at this point, and getting reinforced heavily for responding to that and just for checking in with me too. Does well wanting to stick within a reasonable radius of us on her own.

Leash walking: 🟡 - Haven’t done much actual formal training on loose leash walking, but she’s starting to pick it up anyways. She does try to pull when she needs to go to the bathroom (she wants to get to the Right Spot) or if she’s excited/really wants to sniff/fuck with something, but I’m not too worried about that at this point… She seems to really enjoy walking right at my heel/between my legs a lot (or underfoot) and I have been rewarding that position a lot just any time she offers it, I think it’s going to translate well to LLW as we get more practice.

Biting: 🟡/🔴 - She is a little SHARK! She bites the hardest out of any puppy I’ve had. She doesn’t get bitey as frequently as some of my other puppies, but when she gets in bitey moods she bites HARD. In the first couple of weeks we had her, she broke the skin and gave me a few gnarly little punctures multiple times. That said, she’s gotten a LOT better about it, and is starting to learn not to bite so hard. I don’t expect or try to teach my puppies not to bite at all, I just expect them to learn to be inhibited in their bites so it doesn’t hurt. We haven’t consistently gotten to “doesn’t hurt when she bites” territory yet, but she at least hasn’t made me bleed in a little while, and is starting to respond to me asking her not to bite me...at least a little. 😂 I have also come to learn that if she’s starting to bite too hard during play, it often means she needs to pee and hasn’t realized it yet.

Manners: 🟡 - I don’t really expect much re:manners from her at this point. I over-emphasized teaching and enforcing manners with Maple when she was a puppy and I regret it because it led to her not communicating her needs as actively, so I have kinda swung the other way and tend to let my puppies be a bit wild. So I will give Kelpie a mid grade on this one since she has a strong mischief mode, tries to steal the TV remote, bites ankles, jumps on people/the other dogs, isn’t good at respecting door boundaries yet, has tried to get up on tables/counters for food (thankfully she’s not tall enough yet so we still have time to nip that in the bud,) is still figuring out what is/isn’t For Puppies to play with, and she yaps/barks a lot when frustrated… However, she is also learning to sit nicely for her food (and to politely beg for treats/scraps,) doing well not trying to steal my food when I’m eating around her, and beginning to respond to me interrupting her when she’s doing something I need her to stop. So by my standards here, she’s doing ok! Going to start working on her not jumping on people now that she’s not tiny anymore, and gradually work in other stuff too. Not door dashing is a priority here for me too.

Grooming: 🟢 - We’ve done a lot of basic handling practice, and I feel she is doing very well with it at this point. She’s become very good for brushing and letting me wipe her down when she inevitably gets muddy. Doing pretty well with nail trimming handling. Working on foundations for cooperative care and I think she’s starting to get the picture. Working up to baths/teethbrushing, and she’s doing wonderfully for the foundational work we’ve done towards that. Of course, getting lots of treats for all of this. Started training scratchboard for nails too.

Car rides: 🟢 - She rides great in the car. Occasionally somewhat squirmy when we first get in the car, but typically she just wants to look out the window for a few minutes and then goes right to sleep. She seems to find car rides very comforting. Noticed a tiny bit of carsickness on the ride home from the breeder, but absolutely none since. If we’re out and about and have multiple stops, she typically settles quickly when we get back in the car. She has the makings of an excellent road-tripping dog!

Outings/socialization: 🟢 - She has taken practically everything in stride, bright and curious about her environment, and has recovered super well the very few times she’s gotten spooked about something. That said, she does seem to get a little overwhelmed/overstimulated sometimes. Not afraid/nervous, just...things are So Much. I think this is fairly normal for her little puppy brain though, it’s a big world out there, so I can’t fault her on it. Just have to continue to keep in mind that she is a sensitive dog, not flood her with too much at once, and give her plenty of time to process her experiences.

Dogs: 🟢/🟡 - Very interested in other dogs! She loves Maple and Juni, but is almost too interested in playing with them. She has a hard time disengaging her attention from them or focusing around them (or around other dogs we’ve seen out and about,) but she’s getting better about that, and she doesn’t get over-excited when she sees other dogs in public. Juni is absolutely loving wrestling with Kelpie all the time, to the point where I think she indulges the puppy a little too much. Maple has been less willing to engage in play with the puppy—Kelpie can bite too hard during play, and I often have to step in to “rescue” one of the big dogs (usually Maple) from her when she’s being too rough and not noticing or not listening to mild cues or corrections that she’s being Too Much. She does respect corrections from them when they are more “obvious,” but I don’t like to let it get to that point if I can avoid it. I think they are all still figuring out the best way to communicate their boundaries with each other, and improving on that, but we’re not there yet and still need a lot of supervision to help enforce boundaries.

Humans: 🟢/🟡 - Friendly, curious, interested in watching/investigating people, and happy to meet people who want to say hi, but not overly excited about people if they don’t engage her, which I appreciate. Again like with dogs, she’s not very good at focusing around them though, which we will need to work on. I want to encourage mostly polite neutrality around strangers with her since I don’t like being bothered a lot in public, and because she will be walking with Juniper a lot in the future, and Juni does NOT like being approached by strangers, so Kelpie is going to need to learn that typically if we see a stranger, we are going to ignore them. I did also see her get a bit overwhelmed once when several people surrounded us to fawn over her, so I don’t think she enjoys being crowded (which is of course totally fair,) and that’s something I need to be proactive about because it’s bound to happen because people get starry-eyed when they see a Dalmatian, especially a puppy.

Cats: 🟢/🟡 - Curious and excited, unfortunately to a fault because neither of our current cats is EVER going to want to play with her, sadly. That said, she’s gotten fairly good at respecting their boundaries and their space, rarely tries to chase them, and is starting to figure out that they’re not all that interesting for her. Though, if she’s in a rowdy mood she’ll still bark and play bow at them just out of reach while they hiss at her... Given that neither of our current cats is particularly good at training puppies (RIP Lucy, you were the best…) I think this is about as good as I can ask for at this point. Given her steady improvement, I think she will continue getting more cat-savvy.

Small animals: 🟢 - Interested in watching/chasing, but isn’t obsessive or intense about it. Pretty quickly disengaged from a rabbit that ran away from us.

Bonding/affection: 🟢 - At this point I feel like we’re pretty well attached to each other already. She definitely finds it rewarding to be with us, follows me around and is interested in what I’m doing, and seeks comfort/safety in us when she gets spooked. I’d like to see some more handler focus (rather than “ohhh, environment/other dogs!!” distracting her) but she’s a baby and also not a herding breed like my other two so I think that will develop more with time and I just have to meter my expectations and not try and compare her too much to the sheps.

She’s also a sweetheart and I love her. She loves to be petted, and likes to chew toys in my lap while I pet and cuddle her even when she’s riled up. She enjoys being picked up and hugged and gives really good hugs herself, snuggling her head onto our shoulders. Picking her up for a hug can frequently help calm her down if she’s too amped up, which I find very endearing; literally sometimes if she’s having a hard time settling, turns out what was wrong was just “needed a hug.” She’s pretty cuddly. At one point a few weeks ago I felt like she suddenly stopped being as cuddly and only seemed to want to lay by herself, but I’ve figured out that the main issue was just that she wanted it to be dark where she was napping. And since then she’s just become more cuddly, coming to snuggle up next to me/rest her head on me when she's sleepy and I'm letting her hang out on the couch with me. I think as she gets less of the puppy crazies and more mature, and gets better at sleeping when it’s not dark and quiet, she will only continue getting more snuggly and more handler-focused. I hope so anyways! The cuddly velcro temperament was a large part of why I wanted a Dalmatian in the first place, so I’m happy to see her developing into that.

Overall grade 🟢, I know I might sound a little overly critical of her/myself in some of this, but really she’s a good smart girl and a very fun, happy, playful puppy, and very sweet. I think she is a nice moderate puppy, pretty confident but sensitive, and has a ton of potential. Hoping she continues to improve with sleeping longer and settling easier during the day, so I can start getting better sleep and more rest consistently. I think that will put me in a better position to continue to bond with her and get more into a good groove with her training-wise. Hopefully she starts building more handler focus as she matures as well. Also hoping she continues improving re:being an insane little bitey shark too so she can have more/longer free roaming time in the house with us and the other dogs!

[sexhaver]

ive made this post multiple times before and will probably make it again but the worst part of getting medicated for ADHD is that the two main effects are:

mentally, you become God. everything is easy, easier than easy. things that were impossible unmedicated are insultingly trivial on 50mg Vyvanse XR. focus, executive function, sociability, memory - everything is cranked up to 11 and then has the knob ripped off. this isn't gradual, either; you can physically feel yourself go from a barely-conscious husk to the physical embodiment of efficiency over the course of 15 minutes while the THX noise plays nonstop and keeps ramping up the entire time.

physically, you break yourself in every way that matters. you grind your teeth to dust and develop TMJ until you forget there was a time when you didn't wake up every morning with a headache from clenching your jaw all night. you genuinely just forget to eat or drink for 6 hours at a time until your doctor-approved meth wears off and you can suddenly hear everything your body has been screaming, begging for you to do since breakfast. the comedown itself is hell incarnate, feeling like being dropped off a cliff onto spikes a mile below. this happens every afternoon for the rest of your life, and you know it's coming the whole time.

this leads to the following outcomes:

the first point is extremely visible to everyone in your life, often times even more so than it is to yourself.

not only does everyone else notice that you're suddenly acting differently, they like that version of you way more. i know this sounds like depressive thinking, but i have literally been told this exact line to my face multiple times. you become a less flaky friend to your peers and a more consistent worker to your boss/coworkers. by all externally visible measures, you become an objectively better person to be around.

the second point is invisible to everyone except you 99% of the time.

the other 1% of the time, they notice the side effects because the clock struck midnight 6pm and the carriage turned back into a pumpkin your meds suddenly wore off. as far as an external observer is concerned, you suddenly went from being bubbly and fun to hang out with to a hangry cranky drain on everyone's energy in 10 minutes flat.

living with these inescapable facts every single day for years on end naturally leads to the following conclusions:

"When I feel bad/stressed, everyone else likes me. When I feel good/relaxed, everyone else dislikes me."

"Feeling good is an indication that I am currently doing something wrong, or am forgetting to do something entirely. In either case, it means everyone else in my life dislikes me."

"Feeling bad is not just an indication that I am doing something right, it's a prerequisite. Unless I feel bad, nobody else in my life likes me."

"Nobody else cares how I feel, they never will, and anyone saying otherwise is a liar. Sure, people understand that they have to say they care about my feelings to avoid sounding like sociopaths, but the fact that those same people consistently like me better when I'm medicated and doing nice stuff for them (while screaming internally and grinding my teeth to dust) than when I'm unmedicated and relaxing proves that they're full of shit."

"Since I'm literally the only person who cares about my own happiness (see above), and everyone else on Earth is happier when I'm suffering, it's not just difficult for me to fight depression and assert my self-worth - it's actively harming everyone else around me."

eventually you learn to turn off your feelings for a while to get through especially bad patches, but the entire thought process never goes away and eventually starts impacting how you view other people. i don't have a hopeful note to end this post on.

[nourrris]

I hate, and love Steve Rogers.

there is no character who's given me as many conflicted feelings as he does, i can't tell if i absolutely hate his guts or adore him helplessly, one side is coming from the fact i love tony stark, and steve rogers is an absolute cunt for the way he's treated him at times (which some instances are understandable, but i still hold civil war against him) and then theres the version of him that i hold so close to my heart, excluding his confident demeanor and severe savior (guilt?) complex, he is still the man who couldnt help himself and risk his life for everybody else, the man who was pushed into a situation so life changing, experiencing the quite literal horrors of the world and humanity, both pre and post serum, he lived a rough life, especially with the timeline he lived in originally, and then the entire ordeal with bucky, the horrifying realization what's happened to one of the closest people in his life, what he's become, and the fact he's alive. (not that he ever got the chance to mourn anyways)

and thats not to talk about how his life was ultimately changed completely within such a small time frame for him, prior the modern years, living through a whole different world, about to sacrifice his life to mankind, then he wakes up 70 years later, the love of his life has aged in a way he didn't get the chance too, the world has became something completely separate to the timeline he lived in, he has to learn new social customs, new ways to adapt to how society exists, how is he meant to grieve or mourn through any of this at all? he had absolutely no time, he was consistently put into the highest of stress situations.

i hate how civil war went down, he gave away his life he had began building, of course there were multiple different ways to act and he definitely did not choose the right one, but i'll give the smallest inch of credit and say i'm not sure how i'd act either if i found my best friend (who was supposedly dead, now a deadly assassin) was back in the limelight for the worst reason possible, one that was causing the entire world to hate him, but not only that - his identity of actually still being alive is now public for the entire world to see, even if the man they saw hadn't actually been him.

i can't say i would have taken his side as confidently so brashly, almost killing a person you could almost consider a close friend in defense when they just found your supposedly dead (now assassin) bestfriend is at fault for who killed his parents, tony acting irrationally was rather reasonable, i'd understand bucky defending himself, steve through? i'd say its different, maybe?

he's also rather arrogant in same situations, especially in 'the avengers' when he says 'Big man in a suit of armor, take that away and what are you?' as if tony wasn't the genius behind making every little detail in the suit, constructing it all single handedly, and the prototype that had been created in a very spontaneous manner which still worked miraculously better than any person managed to create in a much larger time frame, and a much less stressful situation.

i cant pretend and believe that steve must know this information of course, they seemed like they had been roughly introduced to eachother, but also to make such a claim against somebody like him who's father was also an insanely credible genius, he should have given him at least some benefit of the doubt, or actually attempted to learn more about him before going straight for eachothers throats like a bunch of kids.

another part of that quote that irked me was the sacrifice one, i frankly do not understand that part, the entire idea of iron-man is one big ol' self sacrifice, there is no safe (or really sane) way to make a machine like that and go into conflict way too big for one person to overtake, he's almost died multiple times for the sake of helping society, the idea of getting his information right isn't even the biggest issue, its that i just genuinely dont understand why he keeps spouting out things with absolutely no context? he says he see's the videos, but its a little hypocritical steve rogers of all people is letting other people define who tony stark is when he lived his entire life being defined what society deems of him just by a single glance, unless of course he just saw one random iron-man video of the stark expo performance with the girls. (which god, i cringed at myself.. why tony, why)

still to act as confident as he did, i would have assumed he attempted to well.. learn more about the guy. i genuinely think this part itself is a poor writing issue though, it felt weirdly out of character, but i can understand it from a certain viewpoint i guess.

once more, another point i wanted to make this time was somewhat against tony's actual response to what steve said, of course in a way hes completely correct where "everything about him came out of a bottle", in a physical sense, but steves over eager need to help was always very evident, his courage in place since the dawn of the world. although, he realistically would likely have never been able to become the man he is without the serum, so well technically theres not much to fight back there, but the serum could have distinctively (and quite literally has) gone to the wrong hands, i'm not sure if i should be applauding him for having morals, but at last, its difficult to say how anybody would react to such a life altering experience, and not really even getting the chance to understand whats happening, or how it works.

i've likely gotten off track, but point is i think he's a very flawed character, but at the same time still one of the kindest people with a heart made out of gold, albeit a bit of a blockhead at times, he truly tries, and he was frankly put in a very unfair position, no matter what he signed up for, there was no world it could have possibly entailed what he's gone through so far, even if he doesn't regret it, or would do it a hundred times more.

anyways, i hate him and love him all the same, and still very strongly hate his ending in endgame (as a total writing issue, i cannot possibly blame the character).

thank you for reading this ramble, so sorry if this upset you, or if i actually got any of the lore wrong, do correct me if i have!