#it cant be worse than feeling horrible for not creating

[mitamicah]

I guess I could only live so long on the high from the concerts before falling down a negative spiral again - I hate it

[cavity-collector]

i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

[hecksupremechips]

My biggest fear is that I’ll spend so much time beating myself up for not being good at writing that by the time I get the words down, all my passion will have run out and my ideas will have been long expired and I’ll have disappointed everyone by failing yet again to keep my promises

[violenteconomics]

ace for the first time losing his cool and being forced to rely on the other 1st years,,, (an absolute nightmare for him, wdym ace trappola isnt in control of his emotions and how hes perceived?) im thinking maybe smh with his brother? he cares about him a tons so it probably would be him that makes ace panic sm that he cant even use his 'cool and unbothered' mask. putting this guy in situations where he has to acknowledge he actually has friends and open up to them but also feel so overwhelmed by it

PFFFFFTT OKAY I SEE YOU. anything with ace being a mess is an absolute win ❤️ anything 4 u, baby.

okay, so, here's how i imagine it to go:

ace is just hanging in the courtyard by himself, probably checking his grades on whatever portal night raven college uses for that, when he gets a text message from his dad.

his brother had an accident on the movie set he was working on, and he's in critical condition at the hospital.

which is honestly too bad, because according to nrc code, ace can't leave to go home and see him unless it's "a matter of school and personal pride". like any good nrc student, ace tries to bottle it up and go on about his day. but as the week goes on, and he gets no updates about his brother's condition, his facade quickly falls apart.

he gets in trouble for having his phone out in class — not that he can concentrate, anyway. he's handing in papers that are incomplete, quizzes that are unfinished, and you can forget about that 5,000-word essay he owes riddle.

deuce is the first to notice that something's wrong. he starts covering for ace, making excuses for why he can't come to see professor crewel "right this instant", or why he keeps missing ramshackle hang-outs. every single time his lies get more and more outlandish, ranging from "i asked him to go check on my macaroni that i put in the microwave six hours ago" to "we just saw a cow fall from the sky, yes i didn't go with him, what was i supposed to do, miss history class—" he doesn't know why ace is suddenly so quiet or so stressed, but he's not about to make it worse.

yuu notices almost immediately after deuce does — mostly because deuce is a horrible liar. and, as the housewarden of ramshackle, they start exercising their right to have ace stay at their dorm "indefinitely", so ace doesn't get bothered. ace spends most of his time on his phone, so he doesn't really do much, but at least this way, yuu can personally ensure ace sleeps and stays fed and gets off his damn phone every once in a while.

ortho is extremely adept at noticing anomalies, and it's easy to see that the silent husk that's walking around school isn't his smug, slick-talking friend. he doesn't know what's wrong, exactly, but he does know that ace isn't in any mental position to do his work. going against all academic responsibility (do not do this in real life, pls), ortho starts chat-gpting all of ace's essays and homework assignments. he analyzes ace's text messages, and asks idia to create a program for him that would allow him to copy anyone's handwriting. he then uses it to reproduce work that sounds like it would come from ace, and it's actually really convincing.

upon realizing that a) ace has moved into ramshackle and is basically catatonic, and b) yuu's meal budget is already pretty strained just feeding two people, epel decides to chip in. he starts getting even more discrete with the food he sneaks into pomefiore, going so far as to prepare meals in the gymnasium after school to decrease the probability of someone from pomefiore catching him in the act. when he can't sneak in any food, he gets a crap-ton of apple juice, shoves it into a box, and sends it to ramshackle, hoping that'll be enough to get ace through the day.

sebek starts to act as ace's bodyguard, after ace almost ran into someone while looking down at his phone, and said someone nearly slammed his head into the wall. so, sebek asks riddle for ace's schedule, and starts walking him to class everyday. he's more than a little worried about his tiny human friend, who goes about his days with glazed eyes, flat expressions, and one-word responses, but he's hiding it very well. /sar

jack doesn't get nearly as involved as the others with ace's sudden uncharacteristic behavior, but he does still worry for his friend, his ears drooping down whenever he sees him. he offers ace moral support and words of encouragement where he can, but mostly he's forced to sit back and watch as the vibrant reds that encompass ace's natural aura begin to gray. and he doesn't like it one bit.

the turning point comes in ramshackle dorm. all of the first-years have gathered for their weekly hang-outs, but it's more awkward than usual without the presence of a certain red-head that exudes talkative energy. everytime deuce goes to tap ace on the shoulder, or ortho goes to sit down in ace's lap, or jack's tail wags to the point where it's almost thumping against ace's back, they all stop midway through, because ace is clearly busy...

then, two stifling hours later, ace starts crying.

sebek frantically asks what's wrong, but ace is full-on sobbing at this point and finally drops his phone.

ortho wraps his arms around him, unsure of what else can do.

jack picks up ace's phone, eyes widening as he backlogs through ace's messages to his dad, and realizes exactly what's been bothering ace this whole time.

(needless to say, there are a lot of cuddles in ace's future, and a lot of screaming and cursing in crowley's.)

[psychicbergara]

what really hurt me was how many people said “it’s unfair theyre making us pay for something we never wanted!” that stupid “all we wanted was you” post went around as if the commenter was in the right, but like. Fuck man. I can’t imagine the feeling of putting your heart and soul into something, putting all this effort in, only for the people who for years had been telling you they loved it to turn around and say all that work was something they never wanted in the first place. That it means nothing to them, and that you’re a piece of shit for assuming some people did.

Like I understand some people can’t afford it, but The amount of people outright saying that their work and passion was worse than worthless, and that they’re idiots for assuming their fans liked their work, made me feel horrible and I’m not even the one creating it.

god literally. like you said it perfectly.

i cant even know how much it hurts to hear that their hard work is utterly worthless to many people. and this isnt even remotely comparable, but i love editing videos. it’s what i like to do as a hobby and i love posting them for people to enjoy. but sometimes it hurts when i dont get the traction or reactions i want. thankfully, i havent gotten anything negative. so i’m just imagining how painful it must be to hear that their creative work, something they enjoy putting effort in and want to improve in, doesn’t mean anything to the community they entrusted their work with.

like do people even realize how they sound? it’s crazy

[ayupimqueen]

My sleepy rant about my fallout ocs i did instead of studying

Warning this is long af but I’m an idiot who likes uploading random stuff nobody reads

Time for a small rant about my ocs their stories and my love for the fallout universe everyone, I cant keep the thoughts on my head so yeah sorry

I think the reason I’ve started to grow so fond of fallout lately is because I find a lot more hope in it than in my life now.

I mean Fallout 3 is a really personal game to me because of some family issues that happened (and are still going on) when I first played the game (we’ll come back to this in a bit).

And now watching the world fcking rot before my eyes and not being able to do anything because despite what people think the reality is that a single person can’t change the world unless the people with money say so

And now when I play this games I just like to feel that maybe I still have a future despite what happens, because now I feel that it’s too late to save the world.

And I see the stories of the characters I created for this world, and how I’ve given each one of them a part of my life.

And then i noticed a pattern of you say.

All of my character (except for one), despite of what happens, have a happy ending related to something I want or that has happened to me:

Lets start with the odd one out: hope who just dies at the end.

Hope is probably my saddest character EVER (she’s suffered even more than my Minecraft oc and I used to think that was impossible) her dad leaves her, she is exiled from the vault, gets hated on by everyone, has the worst luck ever and feels alone always, then thers a bit of a break when she gets a friend but then she finds his dad and everything goes downhill to the point that even tho she has people with her she just feels alone.

I wont go deep on her story because i want to write it.

I’ll just say that from a certain point she knows she is going to d ie somehow, her friends try to stop it but she still dies, and for worse she dies because she wasn’t important to the brotherhood. She gave everything to everyone and people took advantage of her.

Her name is close to my deadname, and I based bits of her story and personality from how I felt at the time when I first played the game and even her looks are based off of me irl but in a “preattier” way that I used to want. So I guess she is a way of showing the shittier part of my life and how it’s kind of the part of me that I want to get rid off.

Then we have the other side of the coin: Reina

They started as an self insert oc that escalated into a bigger character that made me actually develop the other ocs

They are the contrary to Hope, mostly because they are based of my personality, issues and objectives that I have now. Also their looks are closer to both the persona I use online and what I wished I looked irl now. Their name is also just my chosen name but in Spanish and I chose a cool last name lmao. And she is from center Mexico because fuck yeah it’s my country lmao

Reina also has many issues, as their backstory is the exaggerated version of my mommy issues, but instead of a regular mom- genderless offspring thing i go trough Its a Evil selfish ahole rich mom vs rebel “daughter” who is neglected and abused. But the thing I like to focus on while thinking of their story, and the thing that is closer to my actual life, is her search for love.

They were raised by neglecting parents that litterary saw them as a “economic opportunity”, marring them to a narcissistic guy and shattering al their dreams.

Then they forget all of that thanks to the power of the script and amnesia trope and they get to meet Hancock, who ends up loving them and have character growth and all that jazz. (I’m writing the fic I swear I just don’t get to concentrate)

In the end Reina gets to be happy, as they represent the me I am today, while Hope dies as she is one of my most horrible moments. Both being an exaggerated version of what I lived because I’m a sucker for angst and hurt/confort stories.

Then is the sexy af middle ground i call Rose Garza.

She is a bit of a miscellaneous character, i made her from the north of Mexico because I lived there as a child and her design was just me creating a character based on some of the things I consider attractive and her personality is like the silly part of me.

The sad part of her strory isn’t based of something that happened to me or similar but something that works more for her character.

The one issue I gave her based on me is that she wants to have friends but she is either abandoned forgotten or legged out.

She also has the thing of finding a loved one but in a different people only like her for her looks way, but that doesn’t happen to me so yeah.

She is the silly one of the group I guess.

I can’t rant on Venus and Mars yet because I haven’t finished the first two games and I don’t even have the final name for my fallout 74 oc( they are totally hailing mothman tho lmao)

So yeah that my rant, im sleep deprived so sorry you all have to deal withe the parasites in my head lmao

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

magnus culmination of bad decision making came when he watching alec grinding against some dude in a club (i cant crack anymore)

Part I

Part II

Part IV

The second he steps inside the club, he is surrounded by a dozen of bodies around him—touching and grinding from every direction.

There’s not a single part of his body that isn’t being touched by someone right now and Magnus from a year ago would’ve thrives under this, but this Magnus, this version of him abso-fucking-lately hates it.

On any other day, Magnus loves being appreciated and gazed by the world but not right now. Not since that night.

Not since Alec Lightwood.

Because there’s only one person Magnus wants to be touched and appreciated and loved by.

But he knows he’s been fucking up constantly for reasons which are beyond his own understanding, so in order to feel even a minuscule percentage better, he comes to the club that Catarina has been asking him to.

So he’s here.

Magnus tries to lose himself in the music, the debauchery, pushes his heart inside a box and wants to let his body feel something when his eyes land onto something and he freezes.

His eyes widen as he notices the scene in the middle of the club.

It sets fire inside his chest and a pain so insurmountable that it shakes his core.

Magnus powers through his pain and sadness but this is something unexpected because never in his years he’s ever thought that he’d ever have to witness Alec with someone else.

And it’s not just Alec standing or holding hands with someone, albeit he knows that watching Alec hold hands with someone is going to hurt more but this is excruciatingly horrible too.

Watching Alec’s arms wrapped around someone else, his head tilted sideways as the green-haired seelie kisses his neck, hand wounded in Alec’s unruly hair.

Magnus blinks a few times to check if he’s really witnessing this or if it’s his messed up brain conjuring something so evil but when he opens his eyes, Alec is still there, his hand inside the back of the seelie’s shirt.

Alec throws his head back and chuckles, but Magnus knows that it’s not his real laugh.

He’s seen when Alec laughs and making Alec Lightwood laugh feels better than whatever shadowhunters imagine must feel in the presence of Raziel.

Raziel’s powers have got nothing on Alec Lightwood’s smile.

So he knows it’s not a real laugh but that doesn’t matter when someone else has got their hands inside Alec’s pants because suddenly everything hurts so fucking much—and Magnus can’t do anything about it.

Anything logical that is.

He knows about Alec’s string of one night stands but the shadowhunter has never been cruel and throwing that in his face, has always find men that Magnus doesn’t know, at places that Magnus doesn’t go to. He has never tried to intentionally hurt Magnus.

Which makes what he’s going to do next worse.

Magnus snaps his fingers and within the span of five seconds, the seelie starts sweating profusely, his entire body itching and he witnesses and feels a sense of relief.

And so much self loathing for his actions.

It takes another thirty seconds before the Seelie separates himself from Alec and creates sone distance. The green haired man says something that Magnus can’t quite put but then the man starts walking towards the bar.

“Hello,” Magnus says warmly as he hovers over the guy behind the counter.

The man frowns before turning and then his eyes widen. “You’re Magnus Bane?”

“I am.”

“Is there something you want?”

Magnus’s smile widens, “Yes. I would like you to leave the club right this second. And never see that man again.”

The seelie turns and realises he’s talking about Alec and then gets a defiant look.

“Why?”

He knows it won’t be easy. Seelies are a tough crowd.

But this one seems young and inexperienced so Magnus snaps his finger and they’re almost dark blue.

His voice is chilled and deep with the next words. “Because I said so. You would do well with not refusing the Son of Asmodeus,” and the words leave an ugly taste in his mouth.

The seelie blinks before a wicked smile is on his face.

“So that’s the shadowhunter.”

“The shadowhunter?”

“The shadowhunter. The one who has Magnus Bane on his knees,” he adds. “I get it. He would have me on my knees in another five minutes too.”

The words sends a spike of anger and his magic turn almost black and he rages, “Leave.”

The Seelie puts up his hand in mock surrender.

“I will leave. I just need to say goodbye to him once. Or do you want me to leave him without a word?”

Magnus wants to say yes but he can’t be this cruel to Alec, doesn’t want him to feel more used and terrible lets the man walk back to Alec and watches their conversation from afar.

He sees confusion on his place before understanding dawns and Alec nods.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Magnus turns to find Catarina with a disappointed face.

He sighs and looks down. “I know.”

“Will you stop with this idiocy?”

I wish I could.

“He will find out someday, Magnus. And there would be no damage control after that.”

Cat berates him for another few minutes and then Magnus hears a glass break behind him, he turned to see what it was but there seems to be no one in particular except a hundred unfamiliar body and he frowns.

“What?”

“Nothing. I thought there was someone.”

[credulouscanidae]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[algolstare]

It is impossible to sleep with the memory of it just on loop of my baby sibling screaming my name repeatedly begging for me to help.

Even knowing that me bending to this now can only make things worse, not helpful at all if anything creating more danger, i cant get it to stop. I can only not let it end with bad decisions, bad decisions for my baby sibling too, i can stay the course but i cant make it feel any better.

Hardly ever does the necessary thing feel good or have feelings about it matter, hardly ever can afford to have that. But it is still the worst feeling in my life, even worse than what i cant name, is having someone else hurt in place of me. That feeling is beyond guilt, it is hit out of that ballpark, i dont have a name for it either but it is heavy and grimy and feels like sharp in the chest, feels like need to do anything at all to make it stop. It doesn't matter, it isnt about the feeling. More than not wanting to be responsible for it i just never wanted my baby siblings to be hurt or die

If anything my being disappeared is helpful because now my baby sibling is the only child who didnt oh so cruelly selfishly abandon the mother. For at least as long as i am totally gone and she hates me so much and she hates my other sibling so much they are her golden child. It was the same for other times when i was bad on purpose. I know how she works. It can only make it worse for me to do what my instinct says to. I can get into a better position to do things actually helpful if i dont do stupid things now. But the screaming and the crying and the voice cracking and the begging and my horrible horrible horrible birth name in pain and not anger is the worst the worst the worst.

[theendofuno]

okay….haii tl;dr: i want to throw myself from a reactor nuclear and besides loving this page dearly keeping it daily isnt helping me with these kinda of thought so ill start a god-knows-who-long hiatus

now *puts a music box version of meltdown by iroha for dramatic purposes* *cleans throat* pretending im talking to an audience its easier for me okay dont judge me :(

i dont know how to write texts but ill try my best to explain everything without going into too much annoying stuff but the text may have a few suicide mentions here and there

okay

i created this page in a very dark period of my life that never went away, it actually worsened everyday. it was supposed just to be fun and games, "oh this character didnt got released this month, maybe drawing him everyday for a month until he gets here will be very funny!!!" *stares at 2 years*

as you can see, i didnt had ANY prepare to keep going for the long we did, but this is 100% not a complain

i really love this page, i really do love everyone i've met, i love having this project with my best friend, but i cant and wont lie: it made me VERY worse than i already was. it made me feel good, it made me feel loved, it made me feel human again, and at the same time it absolutely killed me

having to keep this consistence everyday, having to do good drawings, not allowing myself to do what it was better for my own health just because i didnt wanted to disappoint people with silly drawings when the first week was all cool drawings full colored with a bunch of details, references and etc

i really lost my count of how many times i had a terrible breakdown or even an attempt and my first thought was just "yeah that sucked. anyway i have to work so people will have some art tomorrow!"

and to be honest i dont think starting this page with my friend was…..that of a good idea. i know youre here just for their art. you dont need to lie i know theyre better than i am and you would prefer to see their art everyday other than mine. dont worry the feeling its mutual

but well theyre a slow artist and i wont be the one forcing them to draw everyday, i am the one that can do it and thats what i did for 300 days until now!

but that was something that kinda broke my feelings also cuz im very harsh on myself and keeping comparing their drawings to mine, not only the quality but also the different attention it all got (and sometimes it was almost a 20 likes difference so..sucks to be me ig) isnt doing good for my little damaged brain. its 100% not their fault tho and im not saying it is KJGDKFDK but if im going to be honest then i will

i dont know how to keep going the text tbh,, so,, my point is that im havent felt well since i started the page, and i love it with my whole heart, and these feelings have nothing to do with uno, grand chase itself, or the community (maybe a 2% fault go for annoying people from twitter /hj), im just being a little egoistic and doing this for myself or otherwise i can go completely insane and well. psych wards dont look funny :(

i really feel nasty, an HORRIBLE human being, absolute egoistic trash by abandoning the page, i feel SO FUCKING BAD for not drawing my son, by not updating here everyday and allowing people to see the silly stuff i do, but i guess i got to my breaking point where i just cant keep ignoring my suicide attempts by drawing and keeping my mouth shut (really, my last attempt was so scary i didnt fully recovered from)

yeahhhhhhh

i guess that was it

i pinky-promise i'll try my best to keep drawing and posting everytime i can, but it wont be daily, and it may not be weekly also, but i didnt gave up and i WONT gave up, this page is my absolute pride and joy and i cant just let it go away for a bad mental day. i still love and forever will love uno and drawing him, and i'll be forever happy for everyone i've met and helped me even without they knowing, just by liking or commenting on my stuff

i hope you guys can forgive me for abandoning stuff right now and i hope y'all dont forget me. i wont be mad if you forget me. i'll just be a little sad. maybe cry a little *stares at you like that ( ◕_◕)* but dont worry. its okay.

i'll be trying my best to get back posting daily at least around day 330, but dont put high hopes. please. dont expect much. bigs chances i'll be just dropping a stick man with a heart ahoge saying haiiiii and go back to posting silly ugly art

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: derealization/dissociation, suicide

mostly venting, but also looking for advice

the past few months have been really hard for me. i realized my favorite person was abusive and toxic and lost him and all but one of our friends, then got very suddenly got into a relationship with my remaining friend. while i was in that relationship for two months, my mental health kind of crashed really horribly and i had a lot of episodes of derealization and suicidal thoughts. i guess that was too much for my partner to handle though, because we broke up and she called me toxic for only reaching out to her when i was in crisis. which, idk what to think about that really, because i kinda get where she was coming from but she was also the only person i had.

and now i have no one but my brother, but its different with him because we dont really get vulnerable around each other and im older than him so i feel like i cant break down around him.

ive felt so incredibly lonely. i have no friends and im haunted by the feeling that its all my fault. that i ruined it and lost all my friends because im selfish. i feel so guilty.

along with that, ive been not really feeling like myself and hating who i am. i want to be a different person. i want to start over. i want to start over so badly and not even to just fix what i fucked up i just want to have a completely different life.

and i know its really bad and fucked up but i wish there was more wrong with me. i wish something bad would happen to me. i want a reason to give up and scream and sob. sometimes i even wish my dissociation was worse so at least i could escape or live in my own head or wherever the fuck just so i dont have to live my stupid life.

and i know its even worse but i think most of all i want something wrong with me so people will help me and give me the attention i want. and i know im selfish but i just want someone to be able to take care of me. i dont want to work anymore im already so tired. i just want to do nothing all day i want to lay down i want to sleep.

Hi anon,

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult time you've been going through. It sounds like you've experienced multiple losses and have been struggling with your mental health, feelings of loneliness, and a desire for a fresh start.

It's understandable that you feel lonely after losing your favorite person and friends. It's important to remember that relationships can be complicated, and sometimes people may not have the capacity to support us in the way we need. It's not necessarily your fault that these relationships didn't work out, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Loneliness can be incredibly challenging, but there are steps you can take to help build new connections and find support.

When it comes to wanting to be a different person or have a different life, it's natural to feel that way during difficult times. However, it's important to remember that personal growth and change can happen without completely starting over. Exploring new interests, setting small achievable goals, and focusing on self-care can all contribute to a sense of renewal and positive change.

It's also important to address the thoughts you mentioned about wishing something bad would happen to you or wanting attention from others. These thoughts can be a sign that you're in need of some additional support and care. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you explore your emotions, process your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies.

Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. While it may feel tough right now, with time, support, and self-care, it's possible to find healing, create meaningful connections, and discover new possibilities in life. Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[summonhouse]

tell me about sweetheart. i see you tagging them a lot

SWEETHEART gets tagged so frequently because she is SOOO funny and also bc so many of the posts on my blog fit her theming so well its hilarious. its freaky. i think youd like her what with the robots and such tee hee. oh god this got long i summarize the entirety of the rp campaign she was for and its way way way longer than what ive got down even

art by lazer god i hope that loads!

i posted her recently in the context of her being an au of lawrie where she was made for a friends roleplay campaign and world (westal bay), so shes tweaked from the lawrie formula just slightly but keeps the core concepts- shes a robot, but unlike lawrie who was commissioned to be a son, she was created by a lonely little freak who wanted a robot girlfriend (unfortunately for him, she is male. she/her mlm winning 24/7. so now hes gay.), however the technology to make a sapient person from scrap metal got the attention of the jeff bezos of westal bay and sweetheart was taken from him and instead placed in the hands of a couple of terrible lawyers with her memory wiped. shes told now that shes human and their son despite her rampant memory loss, and even with all the holes in her brain all she can remember is vague impressions of nathan her creator- of course not knowing shes a robot, she assumes these are not memories but premonitions and that hes her soulmate and she goes A Little bit crazy as her parents neglect her and she is allowed to sink fully into delusions and fantasies about her beloved boyfriend

art by apotheoseity, dm of westal bay and writer of nathan. so swart (i call her swart mostly sorry) starts off the campaign as goofy, ditzy, real stupid. shes rich, she knows capitalism is a scam but cant do much to change it though she wants to, shes overly kind and naive and just helpless, she desperately desperately DESPERATELY wishes to assist people because she is so delusional she believes shes some sort of divine beast sent upon the earth to save everyone, because she does not identify with humans. she along w the other player characters are hired to investigate various strange and upsetting happenings around their city (westal bay) WHERE she nearly immediately gets dragged into a cult. because of course shes prone to religions indoctrination, shes very very lonely and she thinks everything in her brain is so much realer than the depressing and cruel reality around her and they tell her SHE!! can be their savior. she is manipulated into drinking the blood of a desecrated and juiced god, which is a procedure that SHOULD kill her horribly, overabundance of magic tends to do that. but. because shes a robot, she can handle it well and gains magic powers :) this further influences her terrible delusions and everything quickly goes downhill- the rest of the team are disgusted by the cult and swarts support of it, swart doesnt have it in her to refuse the cult now because shes already drank the koolaid as it were, she NEEDS to help people as they learn that the city is so much more corrupt than they thought- major labs working with the cults and experiments to try and create new gods are abundant. DURING one of these excursions into a lab shes told straight up that she is a robot, not a person, and in fact just a prototype as the jeff bezos is forcing (unknown to her) her boyfriend to make more of her as companions like theyre fucking furbies, so she just goes full fucking tilt. sooo much anguish around her and everything she tries to investigate or helps with just gets worse, her teammates dont really like her, at most they feel bad for her, and eventually their investigation leads her back to nathan finally where thats like. thats where its cemented that she is Fully fucked up bc she and nathan will do aaaanything for each other, they love each other desperately. even kill :) final conflict of the campaign as all the terrors have been uncovered is that nathan steps up to the plate on fixing it, AT SWARTS SUGGESTIONS, by killing everyone in their way so that he can uplift swart as god and remake society !! makes a big murder robot, murders mr jeff bezos, tries to murder the prime minister but the team finally bands together to stop him as his robot begins malfunctioning and trying to suck his soul up- everyone has to drag swart around and make emotional calls to her to stop trying to help nathan as he fully fucks people up it was so. so good.

im really really obsessed with her, i could go on and on and on about her characterization and every little interaction she was in but ofc theres little context bc, private rp haha. but god... she asked nathan once why he made her and he just said, i dont know, i wanted to see if i could. imagine that! her lifes so much of being dragged around, set up on a pedestal and ascribed traits- this is a cool robot i could make! this is a cool boyfriend who has to love me because im all he knows! this is my son who will look and act exactly like us! this is our new savior! this is the prototype for our new project! shes subject to so much scrutiny and she cant even do anything, its everyone around her deciding what she should be and what she should do, she'll listen to any suggestion because she feels so hopeless- its why she keeps doing evil shit, she literally just wants to help people and being told maiming others does so shes like yeah that might be true, i cant do literally anything else! shes so peppy and sweet and optimistic, she knows everyone deserves better but by the end shes so tired and broken up she just wants to kill people so that the obstacles in the road from her big happy ending get out of the way- she thinks life is like a fairy tale and there ought to be one big bad guy to be killed in a glorious just manner. in the end though, everythings ok. nathan gets therapy or something and her parents are arrested so she owns their big stupid mansion, and she invites all of her new friends to live with her, so shes probably learning how to act like a human right about now XD. heres some more of my favorite art of her!

aaaand heres her toyhouse with a more full and properly written description of her story- i dont think its been edited since the last session though hmm https://toyhou.se/14625750.sweetheart?key=2jaB07sEHwA2coD

[ignorethisblogplz]

I wish I didn’t have to exist. Not in the way of hating my mother for having me, it isn’t her fault I feel the way I feel. Existence is just tiring, I feel exhausted all the time. No matter if im happy or upset, im just so tired of being here, and the only other option is suicide. But my issue isn’t wanting to die, it’s with being alive. Life itself is a constant question of “Is [this] worth [this]?”and it has always been this way for me. Is cleaning my room worth doing, just to avoid argument? Is getting out of bed worth it, just to get through another day? Is life worth living, just to struggle through every second?

I cant even question if I want to die, because my answer is ever changing. Sometimes I just want to hurt, and to be upset and angry about it all. I feel like im stuck in some horrible situation with no solution. Sometimes I make myself hurt to take the edge off, sometimes I do it without reason.

The other answer is that I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to experience consciousness. It’s the expression of wanting to sleep forever, or to isolate and rot all day.

Another answer could be that I want to die to hurt others, just for interacting with me. This shows up the least, but occasionally I just want to die to be mourned. Maybe to take someone else with me, whether I love them or not.

The worst part of living is knowing I don’t have it that bad. I don’t have another mouth to feed, im not impoverished, im not sick. Im safe and fed and I can enjoy things. I haven’t experienced a real tragedy in my life, the worst thing to happen to me hardly affects me anymore. It could be so much worse, and yet I cant bring myself to enjoy living. I can hardly bring myself to want anything other than small distractions. I don’t want a future, I don’t want a home, I don’t want a family, I don’t want to create. I can’t even shake off simple things, everything that upsets me just eats away at me endlessly. Self awareness is the only real curse I have, I know most of my problems are self made, and I either don’t know how to solve them, or I don’t have the discipline to solve them myself.

There comes the issue of “If destruction of yourself meant destruction of others, would you?” and the flip-side of “If destruction of others meant destruction of yourself, would you?”

And the answer is that I don’t know. Im not sure I hate myself, and I certainly don’t hate everyone. I don’t think everyone deserves to die, I frequently find myself sympathetic to anyone I consider “followers”. Even if it’s a group of awful people, I can find sympathy for the lowest tiers.

But I would really like to cease to exist, I just would hate to live through the aftermath of the attempt, or live beyond death. I wish I could make others cease to exist, before they have to experience life at all. Once they are living, it is up to them what they want, but I wish someone would have saved me from existence.

Sometimes I get stuck in my head, frequently so. I think people are out to get me, and sometimes they are. Sometimes im correct. I can be logical and recognize that my own mother probably won’t want me dead, but sometimes I can’t help but think that the people I center my life around won’t end up hating me for some reason or another, or that they don’t already. Im almost certain that most people who see me without meeting me are either apathetic or negative towards me.

This feeling even reflects into straight apathy towards most things. The strongest example of this in my opinion is how lax my boundaries could be in some situations. Cheating? If you don’t leave me or give me a disease, sure. Hurting me? Just don’t rack up the bills. Breaking things? Id rather you not but if i really love you it’s okay. I know these are things I shouldn’t let people get away with, but I just can’t bring myself to waste the energy to care. Im constantly in a beaten down state, I could agree to pretty much anything as long as I don’t have to put in extra effort.

It’s only made worse by being transgender, I just can’t be bothered to pass sometimes. Anytime I feel like someone sees me as a man, it just feels fake and performative. The most relaxed I ever feel is when im alone, no mirrors, and with some distraction to drown out my thoughts. I can forget I am alive, I can forget I have a body. I can feel like there is nothing outside of my room, like im just a phantasm haunting the place. But being a ghost isn’t what I would want, that still requires existence, even post mortem.

[maxxklaire]

marathon

truthfully i don’t think i’d be alive right now if i didn’t have music. especially my own music, im more alone & sad & depressed & shit than i’ve ever felt. & i’ve been running & avoiding & trying to be okay for so long, i cant escape though. it catches up to me no matter how much i think i’ve healed, how okay i think i am. it’s exhausting & i’m tired. i don’t want to kill myseld, that’s corny & i’ve done nothing significant to me yet. idc about significant to others, i hope i can be someone ppl use like i use music. to feel. to express. not that i have any fans anyways, im only doing it for me. my own gf i watxh her skip my songs whenever they come on in her playlist so. do i kepe going? is that the choice i want? i jus want less, less pain, less melancholy & more life exploding from me. all i feel exploding is my head in my imagination when i’m splattering it onto the new canvas i bought, yes Van Gogh my fav artist. i’m jus idk. to the point i know my life has to change & i know i have too but i don’t have the people around me , i don’t have the resources, i don’t even have a car, a bed, i sleep on a couch for the last 4 years. i haven’t had a job since i was 19 & im 21 now. my family always telling me i need to get this & that but never want to help me, but they help my siblings so i guess they aren’t complete assholes. i’ve always felt cast aside in my own home , childhood was terrible for me bc it was the worst years of our live collectively and i was rhe oldest of my siblings so im the only one who really remembwes and was affexted by it all. being 13-18 during it all, and watxhing and experiencing it all and having it completelly change & create who i am now. & i’m still dealing with it all bc i supressed so much. it comes out in bursts & moods i jus want it to come out in art. my music. my drawings. eveyrthing bleeding from me is agony onto the pages & beats but none of it is me. it’s all made up , all what i envision happiness to be. i create chatacter & settings for songs & then abandon them bc i cant create in real time what i see in my mind. i lack the confidence & im aware of tha. i think too much about being perceived & i can feel something coming that’s gonna change that, i hope. i care to much about eveyrthing & everyone & how ill be seen bc of what i might say on a song or in a tweet or wear on my body. i hate it. i love music & it’s the only outlet i have , i have few friends & no friends who are in music like me. i’ve met ppl online far away who are as passionate as me but they also are in horrible positions. i’ve met people i wnat to reach out too & ask to help me with my music & work wit them. Fatmowf, Modure , G Smoove , amongst others but my fear of rejection & being seen as not able to even make music good is the issue. i don’t care about making good music i like making what i like, but then i start trying to hard & start thinking “oh this isn’t good no one will like this i have to make it be good” & then it jus gets worse. i hate every song i’ve written bc they’re all so try hard & imitating the ppl i like. which is fine i guess. everything i make sound so simple & uninteresting , my voice sounds shitty on every song, i cant write a song with a clear point theme or topic. ive thought of giving up but i never will bc this is what i wanna be. what i wanna do. i’m putting all i have of me into music & if it doesn’t pay off by 27 or sum i might kill myself. bc depressed but also like i’m not going thru life working mediocre jobs & bullshit for others. eveyrday working the same job for $10 hr hating life. i cant do that. i’m writing this from my gmas bathroom bc i came to see her & she asked what’s wrong & i said i’m depressed & she told me i need to get out & do stuff & get a job. i had my life taken from me by her & my family bc they took all the support i could’ve had away. they sold my car before i even got my license. they never took me to get it i didn’t get it till i was 19. they never talked to me growing up abt my feelings etc & never came to

[goremet-chef]

DREADFUL so dreadful but the only step is to just reach forward. like all i need to do is pick up my pen but i cant. wish i could tho

art will always be my passion, even if it bothers me sometimes. its all ive ever been good at, fantastic outlet for creativity and emotional buildup but i just. sometimes i cant move and i dont know why and its literally inches away from me but i can hardly move forward yknow? im fine physically, but mentally its like this huge step that seems so intimidating

i feel like i live off of outcomes and when the outcome isnt certain my brain goes haywire and holds me in place until the outcome can settle. but? this outcome IS the same. its so easy, ive done it before. reach and grab, draw what yr dying to draw

im drowning myself in lethal company things im so excited and im . all my minecraft ocs and my sotf ocs like i have so much i need to make and just.. no will to do it. but i want to! want to more than anything. id feel better if i did, which is true i would feel better. when it builds up inside you its OVERWHELMING like insanely so. i can get it out and free myself if i just DO it but theres always this barrier between what i want and what i actually do yknow? very lame

yknow art is my passion even if it hurts me sometimes it makes me very happy and i like to create, everyone likes to create. i like to see what i can do, like to bring all these buzzing thoughts to reality. can hardly hold onto them long enough to do that but i try at least. sometimes i feel really really unreliable and i dont know why?

i dont do commissions anymore, i pretty much ONLY draw for myself. who are you disappointing? who do you THINK yr disappointing? no one even remembers all the times you say "im drawing this 😼", YOU dont even remember all the times you say that. theres no pressure, you can do it whenever you want, it doesnt make you worse or anything. art is for you, you'll get to it when you can

yes :] i think i probably will. im just trying to make myself feel better honestly its something that eats at me and i dont know why?

its like some HORRIBLE combination of impostor syndrome and bpd fears like "oh no im not good enough!!! i need to provide i need to create for others to consume to prove im worthy" and then when i DO create, when too many people like it its.. i feel like ive conned them, surely i didnt make something that good, i must have faked it somehow and the attention is undeserved

SHIT LIKE THAT honest to god all my mento illnesses come together and hold hands like some really fucked up version of the power rangers. all of them collide in the WORST ways possible its. what is bro doing in there !!!! seriously its actually comically tragic but i live in spite this, i probably always will live in spite of it. sometimes im like wow lets let everything wash over and give up, this hell isnt worth it. but isnt it? back and forth black and white, world is ending world is beautiful type shit. when it feels over i just try to remember all that stuff that and it forces me to remember that there is no giving up on this, wouldnt give it up for the world. its mine and ill keep it

as i was saying tho, i feel so much happier drawing when i try to keep it out of mind. like yes, of course i love the attention. who doesnt? but i used to be INCREDIBLY numbers driven for like. hefty chunk of my art history. like little 11 yr old me breaking coppa on dA had so much fun just drawing hot garbage and sharing it and it never got like any likes but i didnt even CARE i just. to be able to create and share is the best part of all

i wish i was like him again. im not that boy, not anymore, but i remember him and i keep him close. all that cringe bullshit and i was having so much fun

ill give myself some credit yknow. im an adult, money is a necessity in this world. art becomes more of a chore and something i feel pressured on because logically its the only thing i can DO right to make a quick buck like. its the one thing i know i can do. but having my passion turn into something like that? dreadful

sometimes you cant avoid it, i just have to do my best to look past it and recognize that beneath all that shit. theres something in me that needs to draw, the same thing that forces me to carry sketchbooks and pencils with me wherever i go, even if i never use them. just this lingering presence that screams at me and tells me that i will create. i will! i will create

[rottedsoulx]

Sponge MK shenanigans I was thinking about.

1. an addition to the theory.

The monster trees in that one episode were never explained. Or at least remain unexplained at the time of writing. Sooooo crack idea that MK was sponging it up in the calabash. He accidentally brought some of those illusions to life via his stress. Heeheehoohoo.

b) TRUE SHENANIGANS (which maybe turned into a mini fic as I was writing it whoops)

At the beginning of their journey, they’re taking inventory of everything they were able to escape with. Monkey King kind of glosses over MK, already having witnessed LBD take his powers. Mei’s got her dragon blade, Pigsy’s got an assortment of kitchenwares, Sandy is... Sandy, and Tang’s got his nerd books. He can make do with that. While he’s lost in thought, MK gets impatient and just... “MONKEY KING, LOOK!” before he turns into a bird, flies for a moment and returns back.

Monkey King is floored for a moment. “She... She had that one. So how... What else can you still do?”

MK struggles for a bit, attempting to use his golden vision, duplication, he can’t grow or shrink, but weirdly enough his other transformations are working. His fire fist is downgraded into nothing but a few sparks shooting from his palms. Which was better than nothing.

Wukong scratches his head. “... that’s it, huh?”

His shoulders sag, and MK feels powerless. He suddenly jerks. “H-hold on there’s one more but... It’s been a while.”

Monkey King is very confused???? Because as far as he was aware that was all he’d taught the kid, or was aware that the kid knew??? So he nods for MK to try whatever he was gonna try.

MK inhales. Take the power. And destroy. It takes surprisingly little effort, but soon purplish wisps of energy grow around his hands. Monkey King seems alarmed, but he continues anyway. The energy builds and solidifies in his hands. A weapon, a spiked staff seemingly made from Shadow.

Nervously, he explains. “I uh... kind of figured this one out on my own when... Macaque.”

Wordlessly Monkey King walks closer and carefully takes the weapon into his own hands. He just witnessed his own kid create it, yet the way it looks and feels could only be replicated by one person. His eyes search MK’s, a blank yet scrutinizing stare. After a moment, the Monkey King relaxes, apparently finding whatever he had been searching for. “How are you using his power?”

MK simply shrugs. “I thought... it was normal? Isn’t all magic the same?”

Sun Wukong let out an offended scoff, slowly crouching down and placing his head in his hands. “We can work with this. Last resort, I see which of Macaque’s tricks I can teach you.”

(notes: yes Monkey King was making sure that MK was MK and not somehow Macaque taking his place. And yes I wanna see MK goin feral using Macaque’s powers. Or at least struggling with controlling them because Macaque is so unhinged how does he live like this.)

Three: One more thing

MK learning that he might be able to make shadow clones and immediately consulting Mei to help him. She thinks it’s a horrible idea but figures it can’t be worse than the first time MK made clones. She was wrong

Mei: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING???

MK: I WAS JUST TRYING IT OUT IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO FLIP OUT LIKE THIS-

Mei: (sword is ready) GET RID OF IT-

MK: IM TRYING I THINK MY PANIC IS JUST MAKING IT STRONGER.

Mei: THEN CALM DOWN-

MK: I CANT CALM DOWN MY SHADOW DEMON IS TRYING TO KILL ME AND MY BEST FRIEND IS YELLING AT ME-