#it be a human trait my comrades

[moretheta]

ok i know i'm the 101st person to compare the phantom troupe and the heil-ly family, but with each new chapter we get more and more to work with & i'm chewing on it 24/7 like drywall. let's talk fatalism:

so first of all shoutout to the number one champion of this theory, my main man nobunaga:

literally idk if the guy is in a nostalgic mood or what, but he will not stop yapping about the similarities and for that i commend him & his service

for the record, phinks & feitan don't seem tooooo convinced. phinks specifically points out that hey, actually, we aren't amateurs like these guys and we don't have some crazy genocide murderscheme going on. this much is obvious in the way the PT reacts to luini's insane murderfanboying with "huh????????" *stab*

the phantom troupe do not want to destroy the world, nor were they designed to- they were designed for a very specific purpose and that was to create an environment (a web, hah) that could lure in the big criminals they wanted revenge against, while being dangerous enough to keep the petty criminals out.

these are two very different vision boards!!!

....that nevertheless share some strikingly similar imagery

and we find even more parallels in their respective leaders: aside from the obvious biblical resemblances, morena and chrollo share a similar outlook on life-- more specifically, a similar outlook on death.

more seem uncaring about their respective prospects of survival. self-preservation is such an inherently human trait- hell, a trait inherent to the living- that the lack of any such instinct whatsover is pretty damn terrifying. it leads to a certain kind of alienation from humanity that we know at least chrollo has felt (when he says shit like "humans are so interesting" like damn get your head outta your ass you are one of them). it makes them striking and scary and unpredictable. fucking brocco li points this out:

he's talking about the troupe here, but he could just as easily be talking about the heil-ly. because once again, the mafia is the establishment and the heil-ly and phantom troupe are decidedly not. the regular kakin mafia looks out for their own self-interests, which can lead to unchecked greed but is also what causes them to not go around murdering civilians just because they feel like it.

think of the loss in profits!!

now, nobunaga seems to think of the heil-ly as a sort of prototype- unrefined spider. when they're first investigating the heil-ly hideout, he says "maybe a switch was flipped when one of their own was killed," [see figure 1 above] which is a reasonable assumption to make considering his own experience. but when we check back in with the heil-ly...

their reaction to losing luini is "bummer," before immediately talking about what abilities they should develop to replace him. and in the second panel, when hinrigh kills padaille, the guys who are supposed to be his comrades just.. run away. later morena mentions that those same members are now leveling up to get revenge on hinrigh, but it seems like that stems more from hurt pride and morbid curiosity to see what they can accomplish with their shiny new powers.

these mfs are singing a "let's go hunt the mafia" jingle

big contrast to the way the xi-yu react to the death of lynch^

now both the troupe and the heil-ly are known to have fairly blasé reactions towards death and violence and general in the past. and that extends to their comrades' fights:

shalnark and co play cards while uvogin get leeches injected into his veins, or phinks & co stand by and watch feitan almost get his ass handed to him by zazan in meteor city- before he starts taking things seriously, that is. but i think that comes from a genuine respect in their comrades' strength. like everyone knew uvo could handle the shadow beasts just like they knew feitan could handle zazan. the heil-ly also seem to enjoy each others company and have a great rapport while chopping up dead bodies... but i think they don't expect much from their comrades in the way the troupe does. i mean, it's like phink's says: the troupe doesn't take on amateurs. everyone in the heil-ly is an amateur (except morena) so i don't think their laissez-faire attitude comes from confidence in their own abilities- i think they actually just do not care.

this whole exchange felt sooooo spiders-coded. which makes sense: i mean plenty of them are fans of the spiders! i think yokotani (the lawyer) was deadass trying to get an autograph lol

one thing to note is that when nobunaga attacks terebellum, he assumes the reason the gang hadn't shown signs of confrontation thus far was because they were convinced they were safe- that nobunaga and hinrigh couldn't get to them. i think that's only half the truth: when hinrigh throws a knife at this guy (the heil-ly's "organ" whatever that could mean) he just thinks "huh i wonder how long this would take to heal," before being saved by an issue of shonen jump. then he gets chastised for being reckless and going against morena's orders to keep his head down, but it's all very unserious. then everyone just kind of wanders off to do their own thing.

can i also just say i was getting from real uvogin vibes from terebellum over here

again, i can't really make any blanket statements with information we have available. but my current outlook is that the biggest difference between the spiders and the heil-ly right now is that the heil-ly is what chrollo had initially envisioned for the troupe: remember the "i am the head but i don't matter and you shouldn't make choices with my life in mind" speech? i think this is what that would look like. we know that (up until yorknew), chrollo truly believed that everyone saw the spiders as he did. that he would have no value as a hostage. that they would all be able to accept his death and move on:

and this turned out to be a fatal flaw.

the levels of cognitive dissonance going on during this whole exchange...

he was soooo in hhis head about being above humanity in his own little conceptual space where life and death don't matter that he forgot to look around and realize not everyone was there with him.

there were some, like phinks, who were in line with chrollo's philiosophy. kudos to them ig. but there were enough people who wanted to keep their friend alive- and are still working their asses off to do so today!- that his plan failed. pakunoda chief among them god rest her soul. this moment was one of the first dominos that sent into into the downward spiral he's on today. because after all he invested in the spider, all he gave up for it, it's web is slowly but surely falling apart. he is losing one lifelong member after another in events he is either powerless to stop or has a direct hand in. the ethos that kept him in this purgatory where he could temporarily transcend pain and guilt and humanity is unravelling, and the people he loves (not all of them, at least) don't share in it, and if that's the case then they've been suffering all this time. and if that's the case then what the hell has he been doing, and what the hell is the point.

so now he's stuck on a ship with a group of people that are like his own but worse (and younger and stupider g'bless) lead by someone who's like him but at peace. (and also probably worse lol). having a breakdown because people might love him. also he's trying to steal a national treasure because this is a nic cage movie apparently hey how many words is this post again

TLDR; chrollo is loosing the idgaf war

[shycoconutt]

You, Me, & Armin Arlert: Keeping a Kind Heart Amid Despair

So, I finished Attack on Titan last night and I want to talk about someone in particular. I’m sure that what I have to say here doesn’t add anything new to the discourse, I know this story has touched countless hearts already. But, the feeling I have left in my chest after last night I feel can only be relieved by purging my thoughts.

No other character, besides Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender, has been rooted in my soul more deeply than Armin Arlert. There have been countless characters who have tugged at my heartstrings, based on my blog alone I bet you can figure out who a couple of those are. But, I’ve never seen myself in any of those characters. Maybe in certain traits or actions, but never the all-encompassing sphere of who they are and all their little facets. 

Sheesh. Even as I’m typing this, tears are blurring the bottom of my vision, and my nose has that uncomfortable, burning tingle. Because all I can think about is this:

“I hate you and I always have. Cause you've never done anything but betray me. The second one we were given. You haven't done a thing with any of it! So get up!”

Ah, crap. I’m seriously not going to be able to keep typing if I can’t get it together… Okay, phew, I think I have it under control now. So, I’m sure a lot of us can picture ourselves in this image. Maybe it was a dream, just a moment you caught your reflection in a mirror, or, in my case, a point in time where you were completely alone. 

I feel that it is important to have moments of silence and solitude where you can take inventory of yourself without any outside influence or distraction. These moments, at their best, can be very healing, but other times, you are brought face to face with the ugly beast you chained up in the dark corner of your subconscious. Armin was brought here during the climax of the battle, where he believed his friends on the outside would all perish if he couldn't get back to them in time. With the souls of his comrades, Eren, and the entire population at risk, everything came to a head. What is the point of it all if you can’t, at the very least, die trying? 

Get up. Don’t betray me again like you always do. You’re a piece of shit. The good others see in you is nothing but a farce. Worthless. Predictable. Incapable. Why must everything be so damn difficult for you?

These are the tales of my ugly beast. What about you? Does yours say something similar? How often does it sneak out of its cage to wrap its claws around your neck, forcing you to listen to its scripture, only for you to shove it away? How often do you visit it when it fits your agenda, to serve as fuel to your fire of self-hatred?

I’m sorry, that might have been a little much. I just need you to understand, okay? Because here is the other side of the situation. We know Armin Arlert is anything but what he is telling himself at this moment. I don’t think it needs any further explanation. You watched what I did, so you know. 

Armin, regardless of his lack of physical talent, defines what it means to be a soldier of humanity. “Dedicate your heart.” A salute with various diluted meanings in the different oppositions of war finds purity in him. I see myself in Armin Arlert, not because of his intelligence, or his worth to the cause, I see myself in his humanity. His heart. His ability to confront the beast. His ability to shoulder the pain and despair of the ones he loves most. His ability to keep a kind heart amid despair.

His ability to love, listen, let go, lose, fall, get up, and do it all over again, all while remaining vulnerable and steadfast. He did it, so how about you and I try and do the same, yeah?

[audreyscribes]

Hello!! Hope you're doing great :))

I love your demigod headcanons and all of Percy Jackson's in general, and I really wanted to see your thoughts on this: a daughter of Ares who doesn't fit the "stereotype" of what it is to be a demi-god of Ares.

So like, she's a very kind, friendly girl and generally a "big sister" figure to the kids at the camp. But that doesn't make her an inferior warrior, as she would still be an extraordinary fighter.

How do you think Ares would react to having a daughter like that? And how would her half siblings, like Clarisse, treat her?

I did mention vaguely in my “Ares Demigod Headcanons” a few times but I think it would be fine and it’s not as a big deal as people might think it would be. 

Stereotypes are “a conventional, formulaic, and oversimplified conception, opinion, or image” so the children of Ares being defined as the fighting empowered and hard-headed individuals is not technically wrong but it’s not entirely accurate either because you have to remember, the Greek gods are the representation of concepts that humanity and society projects on them based on their domain.  Ares is the God of War, and war brings Violence, Bloodlust, Weapons, Bandits, and etc.

So Ares and his children having their stereotype is par of the course because Ares is a War god and his children are half- war gods. However, his demigod children are also half-mortal, who are not stuck in a box but are at the center of a venn-diagram of stuff. So while they may have inherited being a child of War, they're not necessarily what Ares is entirely either.

If there’s a daughter of Ares who is kind, friendly, and basically embodies a ‘big sister’ figure to others, then that is also just as true as to her. Being Kind and Friendly is a personality trait, and her being a big sister figure can also be taken from being a child of Ares. 

Big sisters, or big siblings, are meant to protect and be there for their little siblings or those under their care. Which also means fighting for them when the time comes, so they don’t get hurt; even it means taking up arms and fighting back to invoke violence onto others. 

As for Ares reacting to her…well, Ares isn’t really known for having good sibling behaviour, even/especially with Hephaestus (no bro code dude), but it's complicated because it’s neither an answer. He may be a bit harsh for the daughter of Ares being kind and friendly, specifically because those traits are usually not welcomed on the battlefield; because you can’t be kind and friendly to your opponents; who most likely then not want to kill you. In terms of being alive so you can fight another day, you have to shut off your positive deposition when you’re fighting for your and your troops’ lives in front of the enemy, but at the same time, if you’re kind and friendly your fellow soldiers, that helps with morale and keep all of you alive. To fight for your comrades and being a big sister to them is accepted. So if you can take up arms and do what is necessary in a fight, then it’s not a problem. 

However, despite saying all that, I don’t think Ares would totally disown or disapprove the daughter of Ares for her kind characteristics either, because despite Are’s famous characteristics, he does come to the aid of his children when the time comes. Just look up the story of Alcippe, daughter of Ares. Warning there is mention of sexual assault but Ares come to his daughter's aid when she called for his help and thus the first story of godly murder trial. 

As for Clarisse and other children of Ares, I don’t think it’s much of a problem people think it might be.

In fact, we do see Clarisse being caring and soft, shown when she is taking care of Chris Rodriguez, the son of Hermes who had defected to Luke and Kronos’ army and had gone insane in the Labyrinths. We see her being protective and friends with Silena Beauregard, and especially when comforting Silena after Charles had died. Let us not forget what happened when Silena died and the rage she felt for her death either at the Battle of Manhattan. 

Afterall, despite being the children of gods, they are still human and mortal; and that’s the wonderful thing isn’t it? 

[soupthatistohot]

BSD: An Absurdist Analysis - Chapter 10

Friends and Foes

[Masterpost]

The chapter opens with the agency getting news of Atsushi’s capture after last chapter’s events. At first Ranpo and Kunikida respectively argue that the ADA isn’t responsible for saving Atsushi and that they have too much other work to worry about on account of a job involving the ministry. 

But then Fukuzawa appears, demanding everyone to suspend their work to track down Atsushi. Ranpo tries to argue with "logic," but Fukuzawa completely bulldozes him, asserting that Atsushi is their comrade and that he must therefore be their top priority. 

Fukuzawa stands out as the absurdist here to me, forgoing all typical professional protocol simply because one of his employees is in potential danger. Bureaucracy would want the agency to continue work as usual, favoring completing the assignments given to them over Atsushi’s safety, but Fukuzawa is not one to bow down to greater powers (at least, in this instance). 

Fukuzawa’s argument is one of humanity. Empathy. Care. For him, all these values trump Ranpo’s cold logic as he prioritizes the life of his employee over a government assignment. It's quite absurdist of him.

And finally… the moment we all have been waiting for… the infamous soukoku dungeon scene with the one and only babygirl himself, Chuuya Nakahara. What a lovely view indeed.

But in all seriousness, there’s something inherently absurd about the whole situation. Dazai has allowed himself to be captured by not only an enemy organization, but one he is a traitor of— all in the hopes of gaining information. Let it also be noted that Dazai’s coworkers have no idea of his plan at the current moment, he’s gone completely AWOL. And on top of that, he has willingly put himself in the position to converse with his former partner who undoubtedly resents him not only for his betrayal, but also for merely existing. 

And it works. 

His plan works! Despite not having seen or interacted with Chuuya for four years, he is able to flawlessly manipulate him into revealing the information he came for and gets off primarily unharmed (except for the bruises I’m sure will form from Akutagawa and Chuuya’s hits). Yes, Chuuya calls him out on his bluff (he knows he got captured on purpose), but Dazai is still able to convince Chuuya not to kill him. 

This is an example of a protagonist embracing the absurd and it working in their favor. Dazai could have tried a more conventional way of obtaining his intel, but he opted for this seemingly insane method instead. Very often, the absurdist protagonist has to take a wild chance on something despite the possible pitfalls. Put simply: you’ll never know if you don’t try.

Not only is the situation inherently absurd, but so too is their interaction. They bicker. They tease. Dazai makes Chuuya do an impression of a rich girl. It’s fucking ridiculous and it’s also all par for the course for their relationship.

I would like to quickly note here that in these analyses I will not be making a case for any ship, and that includes soukoku. It is no secret that I very much ship these idiots, but I can also acknowledge that Asagiri did not write these characters with the intention of building a romantic relationship and reading it as such is simply my interpretation. However, this does not mean that soukoku don’t have a very complicated, close, soulmate-esque bond. Platonic interpretations can still involve these traits.

Admittedly, I am jumping the gun a bit here, as this interaction doesn’t resolve until the next chapter, but I’ve read this scene so many times that I know what I want to say about it, so there it is!

As always, I’m always open to chat about my analyses! I love hearing feedback and additional thoughts, so feel free to reblog or drop questions in my ask box :)

[Previous]

[sonorousabyss]

Please. Rengoku my beloved. I need headcannons of him with a Electro Hashira. Like the electric Archon but like.. a dude. I love gay people.

-out of pocket anon

𝗞𝘆𝗼𝗷𝘂𝗿𝗼 𝗥𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗼𝗸𝘂 𝘅 𝗠𝗮𝗹𝗲, 𝗘𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗿𝗼 𝗔𝗿𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗻-𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗛𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗿𝗮 𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿

𝗘𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗿𝗼 𝗛𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗿𝗮 𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿:

Much like Rengoku, M/N, the Electro Hashira would be passionate and absolute in his ideal. He yearns for a world in which humans can live eternal, without fear of demons feasting on their flesh. They are the enemy, and as such, none should be spared.

Because of this ideal, it is a known fact that he has immense respect for the master, as well as his fellow Hashira- even if the manner in which they conduct themselves is rather... unorthodox... by his standards.

When meetings come about, M/N's very confident in his stances and sticks very close to this ideal. This trait leads to fairly interesting encounters and debates, in which his stubborn insistence can be both a comfort and a thorn in one's side depending on the situation. That said, it can also make him predictable. If facts are twisted in just the right way, it's easy to gain his support, and immensely difficult to get him to change his mind.

Rengoku admires his passion. He sees it as a raging inferno that must be cherished, elegant even as it burns that which stands in its path. That said? He admires the Hashira's curiosity just as much.

When the Electro Hashira eventually does concede to being wrong or misled, his gaze has a tendency to veer outward, looking to others to see just what else he might be missing. This can lead to some very interesting takes while he reconstructs his ideals.

Rengoku is one of the few Hashira who doesn't mind being put together with M/N in missions. His rigidity is something that Rengoku finds easy to work with, despite it being a quality that others tend to dislike. They find common ground easily enough, and when it comes to mission execution? They finish jobs swiftly together. They can be flexible if absolutely necessary, but why differ from the standard protocol if it's effective?

It's no surprise to anyone when they begin sticking close to each other during meetings. With Rengoku's enthusiasm directed to his duties and the Electro Hashira's unwavering attitude, they aren't often on opposing sides of issues.

The Electro and Flame Hashiras tend to cover each other's flanks in verbal discussions as well as battles.

Pile that on top of the sheer experience they have with each other in the field, and it's a recipe for unwavering bonds. They tend to wander into each other's company quite often, sometimes without realizing it.

Both men were likely so focused on their duties that neither noticed the blatant attraction they had toward each other. Conversely, Mitsuri, Tengen, and the boss noticed their chemistry almost immediately.

Virtually any time that one of them tried to bring it up, save for maybe the boss, they were met with denial on both their parts. As far as they were concerned, they were totally just close friends and comrades. Totally.

As far as their relationship goes, Rengoku was the one who began initiating things at first. When the Electro Hashira was sequestered in their "Plane of Euthymia" in mourning of his men and those lost, he went out of his way to visit them, offer his condolences, or invite them out on excursions, work-related or otherwise. Similarly, if he happened to be by a Wisteria House that M/N was staying in while off duty or injured, he would drop by and give his fellow Hashira a visit.

This may originally have proved annoying at first, the Electro Hashira not really appreciating the intrusions in his home, but the Flame Hashira eventually grew on him. One by one he began returning the man the same courtesies, growing increasingly irritable whenever he came back injured from a mission due to being reckless, giving the man an earful. Kyojuro would always laugh heartily, promising to make up for it later.

They grew rather close over their years of service together, patching each other up between missions and supporting each other as they fought through hell and back, both men acting as a safe haven for each other.

While Rengoku was certainly more verbal about how much he treasured these "momentus occasions"- literally just their outings together- the Electro Hashira was a bit more poised and quiet about the matter, showing their appreciation through various nonverbal means of communication. Perhaps something he'd grow to regret in the aftermath of the Mugan Train incident.

AN: Sorry this one took so long, there were so many places I could take this that I didn't know where to start! Hope you enjoy it, and if you want more? You can always feel free to send another request. May your day be as wonderful as the ocean's abyss is deep.

If you're new here, I take requests. You can find my rules here.

[anteroom-of-death]

Teacher's Pet part 17

Synopsis: The Doctor muses on the nature of what he could do, the reader is a willing accomplice to her own life.

A/n: first off, I'd like to thank @queerconfusionthings on the slightly darker tone of this chapter and our long talks about 12, it changed this chapter. You get me in a way precious others do...and to all my readers, yall are best. To my mutuals, I'd die for you. Especially those who don't share my needs here. Love u.

It started to border on experimental. So many untapped valleys and choices he could make now that his pet fawn was solidly by his side, and now bound to leave him, no matter how dire the situation or how many red flags or fears the ghosts of his past could bequeath to her. (Y/N) was firmly in his grasp. Perhaps indefinitely.

There were certain thought experiments that were hypothetical that he was taught at the academy. How to not just bind a weaker species to your mind not just in mind, but in blood. The facets of addiction was the singular universal trait of all sentient life in the cosmos. He admitted that he was becoming as addicted to her as she was to him, and those nasty substances she would take.

He was of half a mind to remove their influence on her body and substitute them for him. As they walked through Kew Gardens, he mused on that. Take the urge that crippled her for drinks and cigarettes to the point of clouding her thoughts at times, bind those starved out brain cells to the idea of him. The swap from nicotine and ethyl alcohol to the Doctor would he fairly easy to do.

Ultimately, after she flashed him a smile and kissed him on the cheek before heading to the loo, he decided against it. For now.

She was getting beyond handsy…almost to the point of him being begged to fuck her in public. Maybe the switch was happening naturally. The addiction to the physical was clearly getting stronger…

Wouldn’t he be so lucky?

He’d have another full-scale rifle in her mind soon to assess the current situation!

Maybe he was more like the Rani than he’d previously assessed…

Wouldn’t that just choke the life from Missy? Her precious parallels dashed in the face if him ending up much more like their estranged friend turned mutual foe.

Whatever the case in this poorly-plotted and infinitely nailed-out love story he was crafting, the Doctor was sure of one thing. His reputation as the universe’s biggest savior, it’s self-inserted martyr needed to stay intact. Missy knew to some extent. Missy could feel and reveled in his own self-corruption at the hands of this mere human.

Missy would, even if she wanted to escape, keep this secret. Their rivalry and comrades and millennia-long bond, despite how fucked up it was, or how many times they’d kill or fight one another was iron-clad.

Honor among thieves or something…

The idea of some sort of vivisection briefly clouded his vision as he saw her exit the toilets. She was beaming. She held her jacket in her hand and her teeth caught in the light.

He decided against that idea.

There were opportunities endlessly flowing out.

“Hey, I’m absolutely starving!” She pulled him by the ties on his hoodie. “Do you want to go to a pub after this? There’s got to be a really good one that does a lovely roast dinner or something.”

Totally clueless, totally obvious to the danger she was in. So fine-tuned to weird shadows and knew when a human man on the street was up to no good. She didn’t know that the real predator was getting the aglets of his hoodie flicked around.

Poor her. Poor little fawn. Fully in the wolf’s maw and her neck was already snapped. Lost in the too-dark woods, separated from her herd. Only the guidance of that would come had made a meal of her. And was toying her corpse out further…

He felt his cock stiffen.

Maybe he would take her tonight. Just until bleeding. See how far her dependence on her would go. Maybe degrade her a bit.

If he could, he would. Wasn’t it his right?

He did own her, after all. Everyone from the team at UNIT to that last scrappy remnant of Torchwood saw her over-the-moon, fully-tethered ache for him…

They all picked up on something far more grasping than mere companion in their relationship. He wasn’t risking her life and breaking her spirit on planets far outside her home solar system. A dark, full-bodied compatriot. An equal lover. Perhaps they would arrive at the conclusion of his idea of settling down on Earth.

Not like their human opinions mattered in the end…

“Yes, of course.” He returned her eager, lavish smile with one of his own.

He slammed these thoughts back in the dark chest that was his mind. For now he’d just play with her hormones and her mind. Just put them at maximum. Continue this charade.

Keep everyone and everyone in the dark…

It was a great rest of the day, a butterfly landed on her arm. She delicately picked it up to rest on her finger and it stayed put as if she was her own form of magic. The little insect crawled around and she led it to rest on his jacket.

“He’s probably picking up the sugar scrub I used last night.” She rationalized.

“Or you’re just preternaturally sweet.” He let out the cheesy line as it flicked itself off his being and flew into the air. She shot him a bemused sideways glance. When she finally got it off her finger and it was firmly on his being she slightly shook her head and rolled her eyes.

Obviously, it didn’t take a liking to him.

It’s instincts were far better tuned.

He took her to the closest pub. It wasn’t doing a roast dinner that night. She was put out, but ordered chips with a gin and tonic and some little sandwich thing.

His Earth girls really loved their chips.

Maybe that was his type? Little, bold Earth girls with loud minds that could devour nothing but chips for all eternity and be perfectly happy doing so.

He could live with that…

She went out for a cigarette and he mentally made contact with Missy.

She ‘picked up’ the mental receiver.

‘How goes London, you filthy old man?’ The words shot into his mind like an icicle from a roof.

‘Fine, just curious, how much attention did you pay to Professor Hedflonhorzthenethar’s lessons on groove-making in lesser species?’

‘Rapt, Doccy. Why?’

‘Send me your memories, I’ll Amazon a tuba to my office.’

Another betrayal of the morals he started this regeneration with…

‘Let me see you do it. I’ll only do it if you do it now and let me look through your eyes!’ It was sharp, it felt like she was beside him shouting it.

He gave her permission to see through his eyes. He sighed and whipped out his phone, ordered a tuba and closed up the connect to his eyes.

The entirety of her memories regarding the lessons pinged into his brain like an email or perhaps a text notification…

His little fawn slid back onto the barstool next to him as Missy closed the line…

‘Don’t break her yet! I want to be her friend! I’m so lonely!’

He could still feel her teasing pout lingering in his brain. Perhaps she left it as a taste of his own medicine.

“The night’s getting cooler.” (Y/N) informed.

“Pity, you’ll need to cover up.”

Her mind was clearly projecting images of her taking him to the toilets and fucking him in the stall. Loudly.

Her mind was wandering, she kept admiring the line of his brow and the way his fingers crossed over as he held the glass of Fanta he was slowly sipping. She needed him in ways that would shock perhaps even Captain Jack Harkness or perhaps that smaller, dark shadow that used to follow him around, John Hart was his name?

A pathetic kicked dog that craved the Captain’s attention…

Just like him and Missy.

He shook his head at that particular parallel.

Probably the advantage of dating someone in her profession. She knew what was avant-garde in sex!

Or at least for a human of her time period that had never been off-planet…

The Doctor let his mind wander into hers. Despite her clear projection, he wanted to see exactly what the damage of the last night was. She was chattering on about a philosophy book she picked up for between clients and for downtime at work. She completed it and wanted to share her critiques of it and her ways she’d probably improve upon the messages. As well as what she liked from it- she wasn’t all kvetching, no appreciation, after all.

In all honesty, he loved the wild tangential spin she loved. He felt some remorse about how deeply he had rummaged in her brain. She still was, in a sense, her own. Just now permanently entangled in his web. Like a rat in a glue trap, but only she didn’t grasp how sticky the glue was…. She was fully mentally tethered. He’d have to be more careful, he didn’t want to lose her, or push these experiences too deep. Losing this spark of ingenuity and tired vivaciousness would be a sin worse than anything else.

He swallowed another sip of his Fanta.

It seemed a bit shaken, but he swept those away. Kept them as salacious afterthought. Bonded the memories from today that were pleasant to her already aching neurotransmitters. Amped up her hormones a tad bit.

Anyone around her, even a stupid human could probably hear her mind now. It was both very intrigued by the subject matter of the book but also so desperately needy for her Doctor. He could feel her aching cunt and body responding from here. Anybody with a pulse could probably get her drift.

He'd probably, if anyone was sensitive enough, have to start beating them off with a stick!

That could be fun, lure her further. Let her know that she was only safe with him…

He ran the possibilities and scanned the bar, seeing if he could play any games.

Sadly not.

He decided against that for the moment.

Especially since something told him that she’d have precious little trouble fighting for herself. Unless he purposefully put her mind in a state of freeze, he doubted that a pub brawl based on her appearance would faze her. She, like most human girls, had been numbed to that sort of violence.

She’d probably have to come in and save him, by the looks of a few of the other patrons here…

He dissolved that idea. He couldn’t risk breaking his promise to her and regenerating on the spot if she was frozen, meant to witness. His superior genetics and all that may come with was no match for a gone-to-seed ex-rugby player nor someone who clearly worked security. As he finished his assessment of the crowd in the pub.

His mind games would have to play out in other ways still…

Just adjust the plans that he had. And take in the information Missy had pinged him.

The illusion of free will still reflected true, right?

His old pal, Plato did some allegory with a cave…sadly he wasn’t paying attention when the man was speaking. Missed the point, invented a self-lubricating spatula for flapjacks.

Oops.

He’d never say he was depriving her of that outright, no too controversial. Too salacious. Guidance, yes. A dual corruption arc? Definitely.

Daddy knows best, rung through his skull. An old line he told Kate about the poison to kill the Zygons…

Paternalistic? Yes.

How could he not be? A human is so young and weak compared to most species out there. Let alone him and his!

After all, he was her teacher. Her educator.

These thoughts, mixed with how strong she was fantasizing about fucking him, and her natural allure…he was shocked that he wasn’t bursting through his trousers, exposing himself to all to see.

He'd fuck her tonight. Not only did she clearly need it, but if he didn’t give in, he would probably act out.

He had fully surrendered himself to current path he was on. Yes.

He’d not destroy her entirely. Take away what enchanted him to her. That would be a sin graver than killing her outright. She had goals and dreams. They had discussed at such at length. He’d let her have those. So long as she’d never stray from his clingy side.

He half-wished he could summon a past version of himself, or perhaps a future without risking too much. Just to confer and pass back ideas.

All he had was Missy.

Or to sneak off and search for the Rani.

And they’d destroy him with zealous help.

No! He was alone in this path. Only solace was Missy and her enjoyment of his fawn and petty need to be good and please reform for her release. He walked his path utterly alone.

The evening wound itself up. The Doctor had to pounce. To claim what little of his fawn lay left unclaimed. Ruin her forever. Claim her indefinitely…

He paid their bill and ventured into the night.

A pep laid in his step, his cock still semi-stiff. He’d destroy her to rebuild her.

Teacher’s Pet.

He’d have his fun next term. Make her into a professor’s aide. Push her servile nature to him into a possibly public place. Show her off, perhaps even.

But for now? He was about ready to explode. His balls ached, and his hearts were full.

All in the name of love, right?

Or obsession…

Either way, still to have someone as alluring with such a firm form like (insert a description of your body, reader…) and a mind as hard in her ideals, but so easy to toy with?

Ecstasy…

[lets-try-some-writing]

For your unicron sparklings (optimus) joins the decepticon if at some point the decepticons decide to take interest in the children like stalking them or attempted kidnapping. What would be optimus reaction? I feel like even though he officially joined the cons he still cared for the children safety

P.S loving your work :)

Glad you are enjoying my work requestor! I apologize for taking so long to get to this. It took a while to get into the correct writing mindset for this au again. With that said, here you go!

Previous part here.

━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙ ━━━━━━━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙

Optimus joined the Decepticons out of a sense of duty. As a creation of Unicron, his design was to create chaos wherever he went and to weaken those around him so that his father might devour them. But as one touched and raised by Primus, that chaotic nature was redirected, urging Optimus to force change onto those around him for their betterment. By calling on the power of his maker and giving into his base nature, Optimus's sense of morality and connection was significantly dulled. But of course, he was not a loveless being.

He loved his maker in the way any creation would. He was still bitter from being left alone for so long, but Unicron's tie to him reaffirmed the love that they shared. Unicron was his maker, and Optimus was held dear to the great devourer. Optimus also loved his old friends, Ratchet and his dear Autobots. They were his chosen, his close comrades and those he had decided were to be granted his protection. They might have feared him, but that was acceptable. A pet was not required to love its master, merely serve when directed and follow orders. Optimus also held a great love for his little one, the sparkling he had raised. Bumblebee belonged to HIM. The sparkling was one of his own, and Optimus had every intention of doing all he could to bring his little one closer to him when he had the chance. He might need to speak with his maker regarding taking in an outsider, but he would have his sparkling with him no matter the cost. Then lastly there were the vermin, the small children that offered comfort when no others would. They were such fragile beings, and it was due to them that Optimus struck his maker down a second time.

The children were fleshy organic messes, so inefficient and without the ability to destroy as a true descendant of the chaos god should have been capable of. And yet, much like the humans and their small useless pets, he adored them. So small and yet so aggressive... he found the trait endearing. Even with his emotions dulled, his three human pets still belonged to him even though they remained with his Autobots rather than by his side.

As such, when they turned up on the battlefield the first time since his faction swap, Optimus hesitated. The little ones were so very weak, as was his sparkling. He trusted his Autobots to not perish, but his little ones were different. It was a partial spur of the moment choice, but Optimus could not stop himself from reaching out to collect his human wards and Cybertronian offspring. The children of course began to grow ill at his touch, but Optimus was quick to begin his work. A gift, a blessing from the Prince of Darkness. It took root in them quickly, and just as swiftly as they grew ill, they recovered without delay. They were terrified, but Optimus's broken form merely thrummed with satisfaction. Unicron sighed across their bond, but he would not deny his creation a few small pleasures. What did it matter now that the human children were immune to dark energon? They were merely three after all. Along that same train of thought, Unicron also did not utter a word when Optimus grabbed Bumblebee before he could flee and gave his sparkling a similar gift. No longer would Bee or the children suffer from the wrath of Unicron's blood. They were welcome, they were family.

Ratchet: What did you do?!?

Optimus: It is... a gift.

Ratchet: You could have killed them!

Optimus: Death is a part of life. They are mine just as you are. No matter where my pets go, be it in life or in death... I will find them.

He was no informative in his answer, but the Decepticons saw what Optimus did... and a few grew curious. Vehicons who wanted to see what the son of Unicron had done and a few servants of Shockwave were sent out in short succession to observe the children and see what was done to them. They even had orders to capture the children if possible, but Optimus, ever a vigilant being, was quick to take note.

When restored to his base nature, he was not a wrathful being. Possessive? Yes. Calculating? Absolutely. Manipulative? Why that simply came with the territory. But to be angry? No that was not his usual state of mind. He saw what the Decepticons were doing, and he put the fear of Primus in them to ward them off. A quick scare, a touch of the Unmaker's blood, and a bit of stalking got most of them to clear out without difficulty. But those who lingered... those who kept trying to collect HIS little humans?

Megatron found a few corpses corrupted beyond recognition in a pit not too far from Jasper Nevada. Not a spark mentioned the very servo shaped indents on the limbs that were still intact.

[keen-observations-x]

Meet Rei!

This is going to be my elongated introduction to my KNY Oc - Rei.

Over on my Pinterest (@L4vend3R_823) I have shown some art I've made for her, and I am currently working on an insert for her that will most likely be posted to Wattpad // Ao3 as they are what seems to be the most accessible to the people on my Pinterest that wanted to know more about her!

I'll attach some photos of her, then dive right into her introduction and analysis!

(All of these were my own work - Please do not repost // trace WITHOUT CREDIT OR PERMISSION - if you ask the answer is absolutely going to be yes, it's the principle of asking for permission that matters most to me!)

WARNING: SEVERE MANGA SPOILER IF YOU ARE AN ANIME ONLY!

#1 - Basic information:

Name: Reiko (Rei) Hamanaka.

Age: 16

Birthday: January seventh.

Sign: Capricorn.

Breathing style: Flame.

Crow name: Tadashi Hamanaka

Corps rank Kinoe

Species: Human // demon.

Demonic Presentation: Passive*

#2 - Physical Traits:

Eye colour: Purple.

Hair colour: Light brown.

Scars // marks: Slit scar car under right eye, scar on right forearm, large claw scar on left hip, bite scar on left shoulder, right ankle scratch scars.

Other noticeable features: Eyes always looking around // Longer outer lashes

Height: 166cm // 5'6" // 1.66M

Build: Lean // muscular.

Health status: Healthy // Heightened healing factor due to her demon half, but she does scar if she heals the would too suddenly and // or has lost a lot of blood - but if its a small scrape or cut it can be healed with no traces of its existence in a matter of moments // she tends not to let herself rest as long as she should.

#3 - Personality // Facts:

Personality type: ENFJ

Motivation: To get a calm life for her found family to enjoy - no demons, no struggle. However she does still want to have a goal in her life even after they kill all demons, as it gives her a sense of purpose and something to work toward.

Biggest fear: To succumb to her demonic half - or worse hurt someone she loves. And vice versa; if any of them were to be turned and she would have to kill them, but she doesn't have it in her, not to have the people she loves die by her blade.

General demeanour: Approachable, loyal, dependable (However, once she is angered she is hard to calm.

Skills // Hobbies: Swordsmanship // Stamina // Singing // Cooking // Playing piano // Reading.

Positive traits - And their downsides: Independent - Will not ask for help // Selfless - no regard for her own safety or even survival // Strong moral compass - stubborn to a fault.

Complexes: Inferiority // Saviour // intense survivor's guilt

Best memories: Her first kiss // Getting her blade to change colours // Killing an upper moon for the first time in 100 years // Finalising an Engagement

Worst memories: Loosing her brother // Failing to save Kana** // Loosing bonds with family and friends because of her simply existing // Her trial // The twisted dream from the Mugen Train // Hearing Tanjiro had been turned into a demon.

Most defining moment: She was presumed dead, but rushed to aid her comrades in battle against their best friend was turned, facing her deepest fear, all while having just lost the love of her life, and succeeding to do so.

Habits: Touching at her pendant // Pulling at the hem of her haori // Playing with her hair // Raising hands to her mouth if she is shocked // Lashes fluttering if she is embarrassed or flustered // Clasping her nose bridge if she is thinking, frustrated or stressed.

Places of residence: Initially the place she was raised by her birth mother for nearly a year, before she was abandoned to the Hamanaka household, where she was given her name // Then the Rengoku residence till she left to join the Kamado siblings on their missions, where she never had a set place to live as she was always on the move and often setting up camps for the night // The Butterfly Mansion became a go-to spot for short periods of rest // and from the early beginning of the entertainment district arc, she and Senjuro resided in the Uzui mansion.

*I have a headcannon about this that you'll see on my other account that this will be reposted to xx

** Kana was a girl from the final selection that Rei and Genya fought alongside against a demon // that gave her life to shield Rei and Genya. Rei couldn’t save her and it burdens her to this day.

Okay basic summary:

It was inevitably realised that Rei was a half demon, even she was not aware of this until her and Tanjiro met Tamayo in Asakusa. She was trialled with Nezuko and given consent to stay as member of the corps, but that she would most likely not progress to a rank higher than Kinoe. Clearly, Shinjuro was furious with this, and when Rei came home for Kyojuro's funeral, for he first time in he best part of a year, he confronted her and became physically violent. Rei left with Senjuro and the two of them had been residing in Uzui's mansion since.

And that's all so far!! Some things may change over time as I inevitably make changes and tweaks to either her design or character xx

[vaguely-concerned]

A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 1

Basically exactly what it says on the tin! I kept making notes while I was reading and somehow it grew into this sprawling monstrosity that had to be split into three parts haha. In short: I loved this book, 10/10 incredibly gay and full of yearning Garak is there the whole time would recommend. 

Quotes from the book in normal text, my reflections, reactions and self-indulgent bits in italics :) Please, please only click on that read-more if you're ready for some truly long-winded nonsense, I fear I have gone and been extremely myself about this and I can only beg your forbearance for it while I get it out of my system lol

Part 2, Part 3

- My dear Doctor:

Forgive my delay in responding to your kind communications. I wanted to give this modest chronicle I’ve enclosed a modicum of organization and update it before I sent it on to you. Thank you for your concern. I have thought of you often since our last meeting, and I am pleased to hear that your life on Deep Space 9 remains challenging and productive. Considering all the changes that have taken place I would have expected nothing less. And I’m certainly not surprised that your research proposals have been accepted. You’re a brilliant young scientist—even if you are genetically enhanced. As for my life here …

This is such a deceptively innocuous and normal-sounding beginning to what is about to be an extremely unnormal and unhinged thing to send a friend as a letter. He made it all of one paragraph of keeping it chill and I honestly think that’s pretty impressive all things considered. Thankfully Julian Bashir — who, let’s not forget, gave Jadzia his fucking diaries to read after much shorter acquaintanceship than what what we’re operating on here — is possibly the one person in the galaxy with the unhinged energy to take it.  

(‘I have thought of you often’ he says. And how., as we shall see)

- Yes—I’m afraid you weren’t expecting this response to your kind inquiry; it goes a bit further than “Greetings from Cardassia—Wish you were here.”

Fhksjdfhasdkj well. In spirit that is exactly what you’re saying tho garak fhdskjaas. It’s just that you’re also pathologically incapable of shutting the hell up and for this I love and treasure you. 

- So why Captain Sisko is so upset with me because I accomplished the goal (which he established!) of getting Romulus into the war against the Dominion baffles me. And it’s not because of the few lives that were sacrificed. Federation expansion has taken a toll in countless life-forms—about most of which they are blissfully unaware. The moment you step into a garden and begin to cultivate and prune, you become a killer. Perhaps the captain was upset because he had hesitated to do what was necessary to insure the integrity of his garden. Sentimentality is another trait that makes humans dangerous.

*Garak voice* Julian please tell me why your boss is so mad at me I literally solved all his problems for him. for which he’s wELCOME btw

Eyes open for recurring metaphors about gardeners, Tolan is haunting this narrative and it’s only polite to say hello whenever he shows up

- Indulge me, if you will; I need you as a witness.

Can I just say how fucking wild it is in terms of character development for Garak to openly admit he needs someone interpersonally. Incredibly fucked up that he writes both parts of this directly to Julian, though — both the part where he’s pretty sure he’s going to die trying to free Cardassia from the Dominion, and the ‘now’ timeline on post-war Cardassia where he seems to be dazedly coming to the realization that he might live, actually, and what that means to him. 

- As a child I would go to the Tarlak Sector with Father, and while he supervised his crews I’d play by myself amid the black-and-white angularity of the monuments, imagining myself a great gul or legate giving the funeral oration for a fallen comrade. 

Already we are starting to spot the thread, if you’ll excuse the expression, of why Garak might be Like That

I also came to admire Damar’s idealism, which led him to renounce his allegiance to the Dominion. If he had one weakness it was his propensity for long-winded speeches. But given the fact that none of us are perfect, the man would have made a fine leader.

As I stood at the memorial service, I thought about all the grand affairs I had witnessed here when I was a boy. None of our famed heroes and statesmen has ever had such a humble service—and none of them, from Tret Akleen on, deserved more than Corat Damar.

You are a species of long-winded speakers and Pythas Lok 

- Dr. Parmak, the unit leader, worked furiously to stabilize the little girl, and when she was evacuated by the transport unit he broke down. He’s a very good man, this Dr. Parmak; he reminds me of an older version of you, Doctor. 

Introducing Dr. Kelas Parmak, last seen in the then-noodle incident mentioned in The Die is Cast. Quite possibly the chillest person who has ever lived, considering he gets over the whole thing where Garak like tortured him pretty fast. (To be fair Garak DID say he was sorry. Between this case and Odo’s, that apparently goes a surprisingly long way lol) 

- But Garak, you’ll say, there’s no excuse for killing a defenseless woman. And there isn’t… unless you’ve been brought up in our system.

I love that he keeps a little Julian around in his head to talk to at all times. That’s one of the most freakishly intimate things in this whole book of freakish intimacy. Garak has a little Tain on one shoulder and a little Julian on the other shoulder and they have heated debates as to the validity of murder as a solution to any given problem that’s put before him

- I also thought about this Cardassian sense of duty and how it is largely responsible for bringing those of us who are left to these current circumstances. I asked Dr. Parmak how an entire people can come under the sway of this duty and blindly give allegiance to a state that goes mad and murders its own children.

“Poisonous pedagogy, Elim,” he replied. “We believe what we are taught.”

Poison/Disease contagion is a metaphor that will wind through this whole thing,and different people mean different things by it. Parmak means it about The Facism, which is the right one. You’ll be unsurprised to hear that Dukat Sr. has a rather different spin on it, and that he’s wrong! 

- But Tain at home was anything but mysterious. It was not unusual for Uncle Enabran to appear and take me away on some excursion that involved a long walk through a section of the city. During these walks he’d test my awareness, and challenge me to describe a house or a person we’d just passed. If I hadn’t been paying attention and couldn’t remember the details, the walk was over and we’d silently return home under the oppressive weight of his disapproval. He also seemed to know how I was performing at school, and if he wasn’t satisfied with my progress or behavior he’d punish me. I was a hard worker but I had a mischievous streak, and I enjoyed getting others involved in questionable activities and arranging it so they were found out and took the blame. On those rare occasions when I was caught, Tain would somehow find out and punish me—not for my misdeed, but for having been caught. And after he discovered my fear of small, dark spaces, his favorite punishment became keeping me in one until I had convinced him that I had analyzed and fully understood how my mischievous scheme had gone wrong. I found it odd that Mother and Father never had anything to say about these punishments.

. . . 

At first I thought I was in trouble, and my face must have reflected this fear because Father attempted to reassure me with a forced smile. But the uncharacteristic falsity of his behavior and his barely concealed agitation only made the situation worse. I had never seen him like this. Mother’s face was a mask; it revealed nothing. She spoke as if I needed to clean off the day’s work before we ate.

Garak treats him and Bashir ‘drifting apart’ the same way he describes his young self being trained by Tain to go over his ‘mistakes’ — what did I do wrong? You also see it (almost most heartbreakingly to me) from Tolan when he gets sharper out of worry at the end of the scene where the agent comes to take Garak away to the Bamarren Institute: 

I was stunned. I wanted to ask more, I wanted to ask about the dedication ceremony that afternoon, but I didn’t dare. Father had that look when one of the workers didn’t get it right the first time. But what had I done wrong? 

Oh buddy. He’s so fucking confused. The only thing you’ve done wrong yet is having been born with some connection to Enabran Tain, Elim, I’m so sorry

- We were the “missing pieces”—and in order to find our place in the mosaic of civilized society, we had to be broken down and reconstructed from the bottom up.

Keep your eyes open for ‘broken down and reconstructed’ too, it will be on the final test lol

- The good captain gave me one of his bemused stares.

Sisko ILU. He’s not in this book a lot so I’ll take the chance to say it here, because I do. 

- It was explained to us that until we became disciplined in our relations with the “complementary gender” we would make better progress this way. When I asked One Tarnal how we would learn this discipline without interaction between the sexes, he blinked and mumbled something about “distractions.” When I asked what that meant I was told that I had a loose mouth and given five days of hygiene-chamber maintenance as punishment.

“You don’t know enough to ask so many questions.”

Elim 'Genuinely & Guilelessly Too Deeply Pansexual To Be Able To Follow This Logic’ Garak

- Pythas/Eight descriptions because this is a bad mutual crush situation: 

- Unfortunately, the only student left was quiet Eight Lubak, who kept completely to himself. He agreed to accompany me and quickly moved to the door. He was short and slender, and his dark eyes and long lashes made him look younger than the rest of us. He was almost too delicate for a Cardassian. I was not encouraged … but I had no choice.

‘Dark eyes and long lashes’ huh lol

I started to follow him, but he made it clear that I should stay where I was and wait. All during this, Eight was quiet and controlled—and as sure of himself as if he’d done this many times. How did he know where he was going?

. . .

His face was dark, intense with concentration; his brow ridges, which were unusually pronounced, cast shadows over his eyes. My heart began to pound when I realized what Eight was planning. These were certain to be older students, but he expressed no hesitation, no doubt.

. . .

I didn’t know then if I could ever call Eight a friend. Something about him was strange and impenetrable. But it didn’t matter. At least I knew there was one person in my section I could trust. How I had misjudged him. It was obvious that Eight had what Cardassians call a ferocious spirit—and that I could learn a great deal from him.

. . .

Eight also came from a “service” family background, and it was soon clear to everyone that he should have been designated One Lubak, a fact not lost on the actual holder of that designation who, judging from his behavior and speech, came from the highest echelons of our society.

. . .

Five was an athlete who also did well in class. I could see that he was attracted to Eight. As indeed I was. 

Big round of applause for Andrew Robinson managing to sneak the skywritten subtext into the text like this, it’s an exceedingly rare gift to get to have from the media of this time 

. . .

But by then the group had passed. What murk? Me? Have all the others been captured? Surely not Eight. I couldn’t believe that was possible.

. . .

The only member of my group who performed as well in all areas was the taciturn Eight.

. . .

The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

. . .

Eight remained for a few more minutes. I had the feeling that he wanted to say something more to me. Suddenly he turned and disappeared behind a barrier. The air was filled with whatever went unsaid. He was as shy as anyone I had ever known.

The boys are being useless lesbians at each other omg……… what must this whole mess look like from Pythas’ POV tho. He’s been keeping an eye on his friend/crush so he doesn’t get himself killed by running his mouth off too much to the wrong person and before he knows it the guy is embroiled in an inadvisable bisexual sandwich of betrayal and savage intrigue. I wonder if anything would have been different if Garak and Pythas had managed to actually talk to each other here.   

- Eight was the only person who deserved number One as much as I did—maybe more. My solitary behavior was not always in service to the group. Eight and I exchanged encouraging looks. The support of my one constant friend was all I wanted. I sat there and shut out everything else.

*Garak whenever someone prefers Pythas over him* understandable honestly I’d do the same thing he’s the best have a nice day

End Pythas/Eight teen crush corner

- My mind wandered. I was sure that I heard sounds of the women students gusting with the winds. Suddenly mother materialized … she looked like she was apologizing. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, but her image dissolved and … Father took her place. I knew he was telling me something very important, but I was growing dizzy and afraid that I’d join Six on the ground … his words were carried away by the winds.

Suffering and agony

Some assorted 'Just assure me that I'm not going mad, Doctor'/Garak's ever-tenuous grip on his mental health moments:

-I don’t know why I wasn’t surprised that he knew. Instead, I was grateful; it told me I wasn’t going mad.

A recurring worry for him I’m sure it means nothing! I feel the same fellowship with him as I do with Harrow in The Locked Tomb series, which I’m sure says even less, don’t worry about it.  

And how do we even begin to rebuild a world that doesn’t exist anymore? A world that exists in my mind with the same arid bitterness as the dust in my mouth. I have never lived with despair, Doctor, the way I live with it now. It’s almost like a phantom companion that shadows me and casts doubt on whatever I do.

“Why save him?” it asks, as we remove a young boy from the rubble of a school. “You’re only keeping him alive for a future of privation and chaos. Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to join the burial unit?”

I want to scream at this phantom, to shut it up. Once I turned around suddenly and raised my hand to strike it. When I realized it wasn’t there, it was too late. Everyone in the unit was looking at me; I’m sure I must have looked like a madman. Dr. Parmak tried to send me home, but I refused—alone it’s even worse.

I’m just imagining Julian arriving on Cardassia like ‘hey yeah I got your letter and we should fuck about it right now but first of all have you told Parmak you’ve been having vivid hallucinations again because that’s very relevant medical information Garak!!!’ 

- But it was in the Pit and my work with Calyx that I suffered the most. My dreaming made me “an air man.”

“You have no grip, no focus. How can you find your strength if you can’t hold your place? Living in your dreams is like living in exile.”

*whisper* pls don't...

- As I tried to put faces on the shadowy children, they began to approach me. They became more distinct as they moved through the rain and haze. Can you believe it, Doctor? They weren’t my schoolmates; they were the Cardassian orphans from the Resettlement Center on Bajor we once visited. The orphans left after the Cardassian occupation forces withdrew. The same young girl was their leader and her lips formed the same question.

Have you come to take us home?

I jumped up. I felt the shed closing in, threatening to swallow me. I ran out into the rain and gloom.

“There is no home anymore! Can’t you see that? Look around you! It’s gone!” I screamed at them and fell to my knees in the sodden waste. They continued to stare back with that same look of fragile trust that I would somehow relieve them of their fear and bring them home. I couldn’t look at them anymore and dropped down into the muck. My despair was no longer just a voice; it was this monstrous world the evil had created, and it surrounded and overwhelmed me.

I don’t know how long I remained curled up in the mud. I felt myself being lifted and half carried, half dragged back into my shed. It was Dr. Parmak. He cleaned and changed me as best he could. He prepared a cup of Tarkalean tea, which made me think of you, Doctor. How ironic, another doctor pulls old Elim out of the muck of his despair, but this time he’s a Cardassian.

The fact that in the episode itself, Garak (in a haze of endorphins and practiced dissociation) is barely like ‘yes yes I’m sure we’re ALL very upset about the orphans. Or whatever. Well what do you want me to do about it Doctor it’s just the way of the world’ and then it just haunts him horrifically for the rest of his life forever and ever the end! Very on brand.  

Garak does seem to genuinely like and care for children in general, which makes my heart all weird and sad

Also Parmak making Tarkalean tea and Garak being like ‘oh. Like Julian :’(‘ about it my HEART. The fact that he’s a serial befriender of very patient kindhearted doctors willing to put up with his nonsense is probably the only reason he’s still alive lol. Thank u Parmak

- A difficult move under pressure against strong physical resistance from an opponent … and something would snap. A painful blow might set it off, a whispered insult, perhaps just a thought or a feeling of hopelessness, and I would suddenly lose control and lash out like a madman. I became suffused with a raging, crimson anger that poured out from some black hole somewhere deep inside me.

I feel like we see the outlines of this still in him by the time of the show — more tucked away and harnessed, but definitely still there. He’s got an instinctive Fight response a mile wide, it’s just that these days he mostly expresses it by becoming incredibly fucking MEAN when he feels threatened rather than outright physical attack. 

- And there was a soothing quality as it spoke of dry legal definitions. It acted as a balm for my bruises and bitterness. I began to feel such longings. It was like hearing music that you love when you least expect it. How I missed Mother, and working with Father in the flower beds. How I longed for home. I dropped my guard and surrendered to the voice. The tears I was determined never to shed accompanied choking waves of shame and relief, sadness and joy. I finally was able to admit to myself how unhappy I was.

*me with my magnifying glass studying the Palandine/Bashir parallels* listening to Bashir talk about Federation nonsense things presumably fills much the same niche in Garak’s psyche as this haha

- “I assure you, I am not in the habit of attacking people I don’t know in public places. We got our feet tangled in the crush, and he went down—just as, moments before, I nearly wiped out the scent display when he ignored the fact that I was standing in his path. I trust he’s not hurt.”

“I expect more from you, Garak,” Odo lectured. “We’re all under a great deal of strain.”

“As am I, Constable. Please, sit down at least. I feel like a schoolboy being disciplined by the docent.”

Odo sighed and awkwardly perched on the barstool next to mine. 

Their dynamic is. Everything to me. Also we learn later that the guy Garak picks a fight with here because he’s upset Julian is hanging out with Miles (lmao oh… buddy) isn’t just anyone or on impulse, but is one of the most hostile-to-Garaks Bajorans on the entire station with a small gang behind him, and Garak knows exactly who he is. Which lends it a certain… something. Almost an edge of very roundabout self-harm.  

“I can’t stay long. I have to finish dealing with this …”

“ … situation,” I finished. “You’re very fortunate, Odo.”

“How so?” he asked.

“These people have come to trust you. They rely upon you. You’ve made a real connection here.”

Odo merely grunted. I was careful not to mention Major Kira, knowing how reserved he was on the subject.

“Do you still want to go home?” I asked.

The question startled Odo, and for a moment the mask of official reserve dropped from his face. This was the first time I had brought up the subject since his admission to me during the “interrogation” in the Romulan warbird and Tain’s ill-fated attempt to destroy the Founders’ homeworld.

“ I … can’t say,” he replied ambiguously.

“Well, I can. There’s certainly nothing here to keep me.”

“I never told you how sorry I was about Ziyal’s death.” Odo could be quite sensitive in such matters.

“You did, actually,” I nodded. “But thank you.”

“Still, you and Dr. Bashir have created a strong bond.”

“Not really,” I answered quickly. “I’m afraid that what I have to offer has run its course. It’s certainly no match for darts.” I heard the bitterness of my tone, and so did Odo. We sat in silence for a moment.

“I understand you’ll be involved in the invasion. You must be pleased.” Odo steered us away from the heaviness that had descended.

. . . 

“When do you want to schedule your consultation?” I asked. Odo—no doubt influenced by his budding relationship with the Major—was about to branch out sartorially. But it occurred to me that Quark was the last person he wanted to know about it.

“We’ll talk,” he replied, nodding to Quark as he briskly marched back to the Promenade.

AHdorable all around. Hilarious that Odo picked up on trouble in human/lizard paradise and, with the vigor of a person who has freshly had love work out for them for the first time, going ‘not on my fucking watch you’ll talk to each other if it’s the last thing I do’. Also the sheer readiness with which he expects Julian to be Garak’s safe place. What on earth does this relationship look like to outside observers. Especially to Odo, practiced observer of humanoid folly, who completely nails Garak’s whole deal in Improbable Cause to the point that Garak lashes out defensively over it.   

- My solitary confinement was agony. The only way I got through it was to rethink all my attitudes about the Pit and the Wilderness and to focus on how I could make my stratagems more effective. Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?

Going through the whole book it is so stunningly awful that this IS the logic his inner world is shaped around for the vast majority of his life, right up until the ‘present’ part of the storyline where it’s being slowly deconstructed and reassembled. 

- I apologized to the others for disrupting their family; I explained that I had great need of this creature. Not only was Mila (as I eventually called him) the answer to my current problem, he was as important as any of the docents at Bamarren, with the possible exception of Calyx.

;_______________________________________________________________; there’s no part of this that isn’t crushing

Unlike the last time, I had preparation and an ally.

Tain really had to work at deadening Garak’s ability to form loyalty to anything else but him, because left to his own devices and natural instinct Garak will clearly packbond with ANYTHING. He’s so desperate to belong to someone and be loyal to them. 

- As the sun came up, the otherworldly beauty of the Wilderness was gradually revealed by each succeeding gradation of light. I was deeply moved by the presence of so much color in what had initially looked like a dead world to me. Beginning with a cold pale gray, the dawn flowed through a range of blues and into the softest rose and pink and then to a hot red that soon gave way to the merciless bleached bone-white of midday. I was able to see how much territory I had covered the previous night.

Can I just say how unspeakably tender it is that he takes the time to write this out in this. It serves literally no purpose in this narrative but sentiment — to be beautiful. He saw something beautiful once that moved him and he wants to share it with someone. What the fuck. 

- I became increasingly concerned; the sun was getting higher, and the overhanging ledge was now my last source of shade. At one point I took Mila out of his wrapping to check on his condition. At least that’s what I told myself. I was afraid that if I was honest and admitted that the real reason was to solicit help from a regnar, the slide into total insanity would be swift and sure. I was getting desperate.

The funniest and saddest thing I’ve ever read fhdskjfas emotional support regnar that he names after his fucking MUM hours. There are things going on with Garak no psychologist could ever hope to get to the bottom of 

- Three more members of the Furtan group were on the other side of the rock formation, but Mila had found a hidden depression that required some quiet digging to get into, and we avoided detection. We settled in and resealed the opening with sand and loose rocks. After an indeterminate period, the Furtan hunters left. As we waited for nightfall I fell into a deep sleep. 

BB!Elim and regnar Mila like ‘OUR secret hiding spot’. (Seeing how much garak both craves and thrives on getting to have that sense of ‘we’ and fellowship tho. And knowing that’s going to be not only deliberately kept from him but made psychologically impossible for him for a very long time. We should bring Tain back to life so we can kill him again and more painfully actually. Mercymorn acid jail for a thousand years time.)

- While I understood that I would have to watch my step with One Charaban, I also acknowledged that I had never been in a manlier or more attractive presence. It was like encountering an ideal that I’d only dreamed about. As I walked back to my section and accepted the congratulations of my mates, I was baffled not so much by the appearance of this new and commanding person in my life as by my recognition of his strong connection to me. But what connection?

Baby pansexual disaster at his finest

- The other day, the Doctor, Odo, and I were at the Replimat having lunch, an event that Odo, after our conversation, had taken it upon himself to organize.

. . . 

“But what about you, Doctor?” I asked, returning to the business at hand. “It seems there’s a movement afoot to have you replace Captain Sisko.” The doctor winced.

“Is this true?” Odo asked. We both looked to the doctor for confirmation. He sighed.

“There’s a group of … genetically enhanced people who feel that one of their own should be guiding the station during this emergency, and they’ve petitioned the Federation Council, but it’s Jack and his group, and no one takes them…” Exasperated, he broke off. “Garak, how did you hear about this?”

“My clientele talk and I listen.” This was also true: an idiot savant who wears his presumed genetic superiority like a badge of privilege walked into my shop and never stopped talking. Of course I encouraged him, and by the time he left I had heard all about some organized attempt to elevate Dr. Bashir to the leadership position. I could see that the doctor was upset that I’d divulged this information. Clearly this genetic business was not his favorite topic of conversation.

“Is this something we should keep an eye on?” Odo asked, studying us carefully.

“No, not at all,” the Doctor assured him. “It’s just Jack’s people. This was nearly a year ago, and I’m afraid they have too much time on their hands—like some other people I know.” He pointedly looked away from me as Odo continued to study us, trying to decode the undercurrent of this last exchange between us. No wonder he was such a capable security operative. Odo registered every change in tone and temperature and tracked the change down to its cause.

“Tell me something, Garak.” It was clear that he had found an opening for one of those deferred questions he kept on a prioritized list somewhere in his changeling head. He was still a basically shy and tactful person, especially when it came to other people’s business, but lately he’d become more openly inquisitive. I wondered if it was Major Kira’s influence.

Matchmaker/self-appointed and woefully under-equipped marriage counselor Odo……….you are Everything to me you dumb beige bitch. Garak goes a bit aggro in return when he tries to get too close to something tender but honestly odo buddy gooey friend of my heart maybe you shouldn’t barge into this particular glassware shop like a rampaging elephant huh someone’s going to get cut. Also Garak could have refrained from pressing on Julian’s bruises for attention here and we may not have had the rest of the scene, but alas. 

This must be the lunch where we deal with uncomfortable subjects.

“But if Cardassia is liberated from Dominion control …” Odo went on.

“When Cardassia is liberated,” I interrupted.

“Would you return?”

“Would you return to the Great Link?” Odo reacted with sharp annoyance to the question.It wasn’t a fair one, because although we were both exiles, we were in very different circumstances. With the humanoid shape he was still learning to live with, and his deepening relationship with Major Kira, Odo was discovering a new mode of existence, a new link. He had an alternative, however difficult the choice. I didn’t.

“Yes, I know. You can’t say.” I was sorry I had asked again. It was a question he was obviously struggling with.

The feeling Garak seems to have towards Odo in this period where like… you know when you have a friend who has a lot of the same mental health issues as you do and you see them get better and start to flourish and you are genuinely so happy for them but also feel just how deep in the muck you yourself still are with no prospect of getting out. And the way Garak consistently wistfully includes Odo’s romantic relationship to Kira when he observes how he’s coming out of his shell and why he has reasons to stay. 

“Would you return to the same Cardassia?” the doctor asked.

“What do you mean ‘same’?” But I knew perfectly well what he meant.

“To a Cardassia containing the political and social elements that made the current situation possible.”

“My dear Doctor, that’s also the Cardassia that made me possible.” I half-hoped my joke would end this conversation … but I knew better.

Julian baby please read the room and take this up some other time somewhere private maybe (and yet I understand how you wouldn’t think of that until later once Garak’s had a rare public freakout)

Absolutely heartbreaking in every way that garak seems so convinced he must have done something wrong or simply doesn’t have anything more of interest to offer julian and that’s why they’re drifting apart, when a just as likely reading from what’s actually on the page here is that julian feels he keeps getting it wrong and hesitates in case he makes the damage worse. Garak have you considered who this man is before you decided you must have fucked up and resigned yourself to the dark closet of self-isolation tain put in your head. I’m in shambles. 

Also Julian is saying a lot of very true things about Cardassia in this scene that Garak needs to hear and that he’s clearly processing all through the rest of his time on DS9 and beyond, as angry as it makes him, and the good doctor means so well but he IS being incredibly condescending, and he keeps pushing even as Garak is signaling he’d rather not go in depth on this, especially in such an exposed public setting. (This is a conversation they SHOULD be having in private, both for emotional reasons and b/c Garak’s position on this station is a lot more vulnerable than I think Julian realizes, as the hostile comments he immediately starts getting during this convo show.) I mean I guess it’s not this man’s fault he is fundamentally British and autistic what can a bitch do fdjslkfhasj (I say this with all the love in my fellow autistic heart, please do not misunderstand me here). But it’s a very Julian well-meaning but flawed thing to do — he’s focusing on the principle and intellectual side of it, but he’s not taking into account that just maybe having to deconstruct the entirety of your worldview and belief system and then feel responsible for implementing them to create a better world afterwards could be an emotionally fraught process that requires not only reasoned political debate but personal, emotional support from a friend. He isn’t getting that Garak isn’t so much categorically resistant to the basic ideas he’s setting forth — it’s that he wants to be convinced on a practical level that it could even work, because otherwise it’s just a useless pretty picture. 

(Which is a big part of their dynamic on many levels, I’ve always felt. All those times he challenges Julian’s more hopeful and idealistic world view — ultimately he doesn’t do that because he wants to break Julian’s faith down until he agrees with him, he does it because somewhere deep down Garak wants to be convinced. He wants there to be hope somewhere in the world, even if he won’t buy the quick and glorified ‘it’s easy to be a saint in paradise’ Federation version of it. And Julian’s version isn’t that, in the end; it gets tested again and again and he really, genuinely means it, even when it’s hard. Which is one of the most healing things about his presence in Garak’s life overall.) 

Ironically I also think Julian believes so much in Garak and his capabilities that it simply doesn’t occur to him that Garak as a private person might just be like. Too scared and overwhelmed to even contemplate this, at least until Garak is upset enough that he can’t gracefully hide it. (“With your background and experience, Garak, I’m certain that you could serve as a liaison between a new Cardassian government and the Federation.” The Doctor paused and waited for a response. None was forthcoming. “I once suggested that you visit Earth as a member of the Cardassian government-in-exile….” oh so no biggie then Julian that sounds easy and painless and I’m surprised no one has thought to do this yet, this Obsidian Order wilted leftover sandwich of a guy is surely going to be welcomed with open arms wherever he goes among his people fhsdakjfas!)

I feel like this is one of Julian’s less sympathetic traits that he would probably feel such intense self-loathing about once he realized it’s one he shares with his father — this instinct to try to shape someone into a ‘better’ version of themselves. I think Julian’s version of this primarily comes from a much, MUCH kinder place than in his father; he has the will and ability to see the best in the world and in people, and he can’t help but want them to live up to that once he’s seen it. He fundamentally believes people can be better, can be good, when given the help and tools they need, and that’s such a beautiful part of him. BUT along with that there is also a danger of that tipping over into becoming paternalistic and controlling, of overly privileging the ideal you see over the person who is actually there right now, and trying to forcibly change the one into the other ‘for them’.  

Considering Garak’s past experiences of being shaped and controlled by someone else’s idea of what he should be, I’m if anything surprised he doesn’t react worse to this, honestly! I think it speaks to the basic trust and goodness that exists between them that he doesn’t. Julian is clumsy but not malicious, and even here Garak does recognize that on some deep level.   

(Probably because he’s also been touched by Julian at his best, in The Wire — where his support and acceptance is absolute and unconditional, free of the instinct to control anything.)

My voice had risen to an uncharacteristic pitch. It was still ringing in my ears as the Doctor stared at me as if he were studying a baffling microbe. I, too, was baffled. I had no idea where this outburst came from. I know that a distance has widened between us during the past year or so and I know that the holosuite program incident and the revelations of his genetic enhancement are the symptoms of this distance rather than the cause. It’s only natural—we’re very different people. I also know that he had only the best intentions in suggesting that I use the Federation model in order to influence the future of Cardassia. Misguided, yes, and somewhat patronizing and arrogant, but hardly sufficient to elicit this embarrassing and public loss of control.

I mumbled some sad excuse which the good Doctor and Odo were kind enough not to challenge and left the Replimat to return to my shop. As I passed Quark’s I caught his eye and we nodded. Why I included him in my outburst also puzzled me; I rather admire his industry and resourcefulness. I especially admire the way he consistently bends Federation rules so that they work for him.

That’s such a fair evaluation of Bashir’s intentions and personality honestly. Even this upset and feeling that distance between them, Garak still has complete trust in the Doctor’s basic good intentions and nature. (Are you really such very different people at the end of the day, though, Elim. Should the genetic enhancement arc maybe be telling you something here.)

Also such a hilarious element of the Garak-Quark relationship.’Sorry to get you caught up in the crossfire bro I’ve never thought of you as anything but an avaricious opportunist (complimentary)’  

What is important is that I feel that I am necessary, that I function with all my faculties in the service of a greater cause. And while I wait for this invasion, is making Odo more attractive to Major Kira a greater cause?

It is in fact nothing but the greatest cause Garak. Getting Kira happily lovingly laid is priority one at all times. 

- I had no real friends to speak of, and told myself that loneliness was the price I had to pay for success. I considered the games and behavior of my mates to be childish, and that any unnecessary interaction would only distract me from my work. The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

(I feel like this whole part is going to hit Julian in some kind of way lmao)

Literally just. Put me in a little box on the bottom of the ocean and leave me there forever I can’t go on. Also he’s SUCH a clever-but-socially-inept teenager in this part around the people in his group he doesn’t like fhdkjsa. Ugh they’re all so annoying and fake just leave me alone *eyeroll emoji* I didn’t want to be included in their idiotic conversation bb elim… I would die for your lightly insufferable but entertainingly snarky teenage butt in a way that actually makes me feel more kindly towards my own inner idiot 16 year old.

Also it’s no wonder he’s so out to sea when it comes to interacting with his peers — by all accounts he didn’t play much with other kids as a child and then he’s dropped straight into a social Lord of the Flies piranha tank shot through with Class Shit. 

Inspired by my guide Mila, I would experiment at withdrawing my presence when I had to remain in the same room with people I didn’t like.

Honing his future customer service worker smile 

Here follow some Bamarren and beyond observations I’ve elected to call ‘Sex Stuff’:  

- Oh ok so garak gets some sexual Thing out of being beaten to a pulp after mouthing off through the same mechanism that made spanking known as the ‘English Vice’ across Europe when that was the go-to punishment in British boarding schools. I see. Many things are revealed to me

I looked from the pale, frozen face of Three to the others. They all looked like statues commemorating fear. And I was pleased. I realized at that moment that they were in my control, and that I would no longer have any trouble with them. Especially Three. I felt the power like a drug surging through my system.

And then, of course, the other side of the masochism/sadism scale smoothly coming in, he contains those multitudes. In Garak’s defense idk if you could go through a psychosexual development that wasn’t deeply, deeply weird in this sort of environment 

“What do you want me to do?” I was trembling as if my body were chilled.

Well, I mean. You know fhkdsjha. And he’s rewarded with the first non-aggressive physical contact he’s had here, you say. (For reference he’s talking to Barkan, of the aforementioned ‘manliest presence’.) I’m sure this didn’t awaken anything in him or anything.

“Elim, why do you think we have these ridges?” She stroked the scalloped cords of cartilege and bone that ran along her neck and down her shoulders with a delicacy that stopped my breath. The energy had turned into molten liquid that was now flowing into my groin. The rest of the world was swallowed by complete darkness and I was back inside the tunnel.

“Because … we do,” I replied stupidly.

Fhdjskfhsdjkfhadskjfhas he’s so easy fdsjkfhas. And what a one-two punch of sexual confusion he got there. That one afternoon did irreparable damage to the libidinous development of this poor man and now he has to live like this.

For the second time tonight I was spellbound by another’s passion. In very different ways, Charaban and Palandine held me in their orbit, like powerful suns.

I was learning something new about myself—an emerging desire for power, but a power that had less to do with mastery over others than it did with connecting to them. The way I felt the connection to Charaban … and especially to Palandine.

And, I’m so sorry to have to break it to you like this, your biodad. I’m sorry Elim you’ve got something truly unfortunately Freudian going on here. It’s not your fault.  

“I love the Blind Moon,” Charaban said softly.

“Why is it called that?” I asked, deeply relieved by the mysterious change that had come over us.

“It’s the time for lovers’ assignations,” Palandine answered. “The moon will give them enough light to meet, but not so much for them to be discovered.”

“So if you and Elim were true lovers I wouldn’t have been able to find you,” Charaban teased.

“That’s right, Barkan,” she said with a direct look. I shifted position in the ensuing silence and tried to hide my disappointment with Palandine’s reply, but at the same time, the pleasure I felt in the company of these two people kept growing.

“See?” Palandine suddenly addressed me. “You can do it.”

“What?” I was startled by her delighted burst.

“Smile. Look at that, Barkan. Wouldn’t you tell someone with that smile everything he wanted to know?” she demanded.

“The first time I met him—well, the second…” he corrected himself, “he had a smile that I wanted to wipe off his face.” He was referring to that early morning in front of the Central Gate.

“But it wasn’t that smile,” Palandine insisted.

“No,” he conceded. “Definitely not that one.” And the truth was that I could feel this smile throughout my entire body.

Noooo this is about to go so wrong…it’s all fun and games and bisexual poetry recitation under the blind moon until someone gets stabbed in the back like the Caesar (well caesar notably got stabbed from many many directions but you see what I’m trying to get at here)

- [The Klingon] looked up, and I immediately knew two things about him: he was inebriated beyond reason and he was one of their shock troopers, a callused veteran of hand-to-hand combat. I took a deep breath; as dolts go he was quite impressive. My spirits were suddenly and immeasurably lifted.

“You spoonhead!” he growled at me. I hated that word.

“And you … a great warrior who brings down dabo girls with a single blow,” He looked at me trying to decide if I had insulted or complimented him.

“P’tak!” I shouted, “I mean that you’re the biggest coward in the Klingon Empire,” He released the dabo girl, and as he moved to the narrow stairway I thought that he was also the biggest Klingon in the Empire.

I looked for my advantage. This was not an equal match, and my gigantic friend was in the full flush of a berserker blood lust. I sighed. I’m too old for this, I thought. 

. . .

“Get security, Chief, and tell them to prepare the biggest cell they have … or a smaller coffin for me,” I said as I moved into the alcove and squeezed through the opening where the panel had been. 

 Listen I would apologize for including this here but he’s clearly getting off on this and I couldn’t do anything about it if I wanted to. 

I cannot convey just how much my already intense enjoyment of canon is enriched by the knowledge that Garak is up to these kinds of hijinks constantly in the background when the camera isn’t on him. In his defense he was left unsupervised. O’Brien’s fond mildly exasperated help is just the cherry on top. ‘Well I GUESS Julian would be upset if I let you get beaten to death by a drunk Klingon so fine I’ve got your back’  

(I made for the upper Promenade—and wondered if Calyx might be enjoying this spectacle from wherever he was. ;______; I like how much of an impact Calyx has on his development, considering how briefly he was actually in his life. Plus: Calyx; the Aiglamene of Bamarren? Locked Tomb/DS9 fandom overlap people, Let’s Discuss.) 

“Help me,” he croaked. I was touched by the giant’s childlike surrender. I knew the feeling well.

“I will,” I replied and immediately wondered why I had agreed. I’m getting soft, I thought. 

The greatest joy to me of a lot of this is, like… idk if these are all exactly the things that happened at every turn. In fact I’d say they very likely aren’t, Garak’s entire character taken into consideration. But they are certainly the things he wants someone — someone he trusts as far as he knows how, someone he earnestly wants to be closer to than anyone else, and also wants to see all of him — to know about him, to share in. This could just have easily been a story he told Julian in person over lunch to make him laugh. It’s silly and frivolous and fun, and as much at his own expense as a ludicrous person as to show off. To a true lying liar who lies connoisseur, unreliable narration tells more than it obscures etc. lol  

- (About Barkan) It was the appearance of warmth that made his charm so attractive. A part of me wanted to tell him everything, to challenge the duplicity of his negative evaluation, but the clarity I found in the Lower Prefect’s office was still with me. Looking at him, I was reminded how Palandine had taught me to smile when I asked questions.

Apart from Pythas, who gets his own little twink corner, most of the people Garak is attracted to throughout this are his height or taller and slender but athletic. I’m just saying that when he spotted Julian in the Replimat for the first time he really saw a young man with the face of an angel who is exactly his type fhdjskah maybe he should have seen this coming for himself. Too high on endorphins and hubris to think this would awaken anything in him irrevocably and now he’s stuck with the consequences.  

Why? I asked myself. Why?! For the life of me I could not understand why it was important to her that I respond. Why should she—so beautiful, so alive—be disappointed if I didn’t return her … what? What did she want from me? Friendship? Why me?

I was in turmoil. Her grace and manner, the way she tilted her head and half smiled when she listened, as if everything amused her … it was like a forbidden dream of the unattainable. The attraction was painful because I instinctively knew that while my life would be simpler and more controllable without her, it would also be as drab as my Bamarren uniform.

. . . 

“Are you making fun of me?” It was at that moment, when I asked the question, that I realized just how afraid I was of being the object of her ridicule. She stopped laughing and for the first time she was speechless. 

Losing my entire fucking MIND about how Garak is basically taking Palandine’s place when he approaches Julian at first. Odo and Garak ‘I love you so much I want to become you because it’s the only way I can imagine really being close to you’ handshake meme

Sex stuff end. For now.

I was about to leave when Odo asked about the designs for his “new” sartorial look. I could see that he was masking his concern, so I assured him that the sketches were some of my finest creations, and would be ready within the week. He grunted his thanks and I stepped out onto the Promenade. Love does make fools of us all.

I’m clawing at my face with emotion. Odo… And Garak did finish those sketches even after his moment of existential ennui over them before. 

- Please for the love of god stop putting Six out in the merciless sun T_____T how many times must a poor lil nerd boy pass out before he can rest in the sand etc. 

- “It’s not every evening we find Barkan Lokar strolling with a murk through the Grounds.”

“Lokar? My father buried the Legate, Turat Lokar,” I said without thinking.

“Did your father kill him?” Palandine joked. But I didn’t laugh. The Lokars were a legendary family, and the old man’s funeral was the largest I had ever seen.

Why is this so funny. Garak you are so fucking weird. ‘Oh yeah I know that guy my dad did the flower arrangements for his funeral’ 

- A spirited dabo game involving several Klingons and a serious-looking dabo girl I hadn’t seen before caught my attention. If Quark had been present he’d be giving her one of his congeniality lectures. I truly sympathize with the young woman; if I had to spend all day with these drunken dolts….

Literally so hilarious that’s his first thought. First impulse: ‘surrounded by idiots’ solidarity. Garak what were you doing day drinking at the devil’s sacrament/quarks at midday girl…

- Rom soon appeared with a small container of kanar. He was wearing an outfit I had made for him.

“H-here you are, Garak. I hope you enjoy it.” Ever the gracious host.

“Thank you, Rom. And please, try not to let your collar lie there like a dead targ.” I adjusted the offending fabric, and Rom sweetly tolerated my fussing.

I’m fucking crying what the HELL. Surprise wholesome dynamic that keeps going through the whole narrative. Garak just uncomplicatedly likes and appreciates Rom, with no particular ulterior motive. Plus: fussing is also how we see Mila express affection, like mother like son.   

- I realized as I took a sip of my drink that I was in a dangerous mood. Drinking in the middle of the day. The Doctor would be quite disappointed with me. When I’m unable to immerse myself in work my mind becomes occupied by an invading army of thoughts intent upon conquering all equilibrium and peace. Kanar is a valuable if unreliable weapon I employ against this army. The pills the Doctor gives me are a poor substitute.

Julian, severely unimpressed: uh-huh

‘Would Julian want me to do this to myself? No. However he’s too busy playing soldiers with O’Brien to tell me so, apparently, so that can’t stop me.’ You petty lil bitch garak (affectionate)

The fact that he’s doing the The Little Julian Who Lives In My Head thing already here, where the real Julian is actually around but not engaged with him. I’m so sad. He’s managed to discover shrimp colour spectrums of loneliness and pining.  

- Ever since the Romulan business and Captain Sisko’s near breakdown (outside of the Doctor, whom I told shortly after the incident, no one knows about this, but one recognizes the symptoms), I’ve been obsessed with memories of Bamarren. 

The fact that he tells Julian about that. Presumably partly in a practical way to make sure Sisko doesn’t fall to pieces completely but he doesn’t seem to have any shame about it or expect Bashir to react too badly over it either. The trust…

- I must admit that I was quite taken aback. Evidently there is honor among dolts.

I’m genuinely impressed by how enjoyable it is in this book to be party to Garak’s inner voice. It’s so fun in here, among all the horrors. 

- Nine approached me as I sat alone in our quarters reading the first part of Cylon Pareg’s Eternal Stranger, a saga spanning several generations of a Cardassian family during the early and middle Union.

*whisper of agonized affection* between this and his happy place being studying wormhole theory… he’s such a little nerd. 

Nine swallowed again, an even more bitter taste, and marched off to a life of diminishing returns.

LMAO burn. And, as we shall see, not necessarily inaccurate.  

- As I walked away I heard the custodian ask Tarnal what it was I had done to deserve this punishment.

“Nobody told me. But I know he’s got a mouth on him,” Tarnal replied.

The more things change I guess fdhsakja. Known across the school for being a) a sneaky lil bastard and b) never ever shutting the fuck up when he really really should 

- “And you have to use that wonderful smile of yours more often, Elim.”

“What’s that got to do with listening?” That was the subject, and Palandine had typically made a jump in logic I couldn’t follow. She also forgot that I was a Cardassian male and smiling was not one of our strong features.

“If they feel comfortable with you, people will tell you stories about themselves that will reveal their deepest secrets.”

“But what if the stories aren’t true?” I challenged. “I could smile till my cheeks hurt, and you could tell me any kind of story you wanted—and what would I know about you except what you invented?”

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted.

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not? Because it’s not what you believe? Or it doesn’t fit a definition of the truth that someone taught you? Look at people, Elim.” Palandine gestured as if the enclosure were filled with people. “Observe them. The way they walk and talk, the way they hold themselves and eat their meals. That’s what they believe about themselves. Is it the ‘truth’? Are they really that way? I don’t know. Perhaps it is a lie. But what people lie about the most are themselves, and these lies become the stories they believe and want to tell you.”

“As long as I’m smiling,” I mumbled.

. . . 

“Truth, as we’ve learned to define it, is not only overrated,” she went on with a controlled passion, “it’s designed to keep people in the dark.”

This last statement stopped me.

“You mean the way we’ve been taught?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“What about our government?”

“They tell us the stories that we need to know in order to be good citizens,” she replied carefully.

“They don’t tell us the truth, is what you’re saying,” I concluded.

“There you go again. They tell us their truth, Elim, and we are here to learn how to listen.”

. . . 

“Let the ones without power scowl and make fierce faces.You smile. It’s an invitation to connect with another person. And once the invitation is accepted, relax and listen … you’ll come to know as much as you’ll ever need to about that person,” she said with a smile that I greedily accepted.

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted. 

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not?” 

SO when I was saying he’s taking Palandine’s place in this dynamic with Julian early on I was not kidding and I was not wrong hahaha. And it’s also what this entire book is, in the end. Trusting Julian to ‘truly listen’ to the story under the stories is maybe the biggest show of trust and vulnerability Garak could ever extend to anyone. Extremely The Wire-core once more.

The idea that tiny Garak was too outwardly glum and serious is. Amazing and brainbreaking. People feeling uncomfortable under his gaze b/c he’ll just like scowl distrustfully at them. Palandine I don’t know if you fixed him or made him worse but you certainly did something fundamental to him and committed him to the bit and for that I cannot thank you enough

- I no longer had Palandine to myself—but surprisingly, I didn’t mind, in fact I was pleased that Charaban was here. His stillness, like everything else about him, had grace and strength. I sneaked another look in his direction and marveled that this was the same person I had first encountered in the storeroom. He returned my look, and in the next few moments a bond grew between us that I had never thought possible. 

You know if Barkan was really smart or had the capacity for extended self-control he would have just kept stringing Garak along as the third in his disastrous marriage. Garak is used to subsisting on the merest scraps of affection and consideration, you’d barely even have to feed him. (Ala Daisuke Jigen with many an evil ex, for the Lupinheads out there lol) A threesome here and there and maybe gently stroking his hair afterwards and you’d have him for life, probably. Alas or perhaps thankfully Barkan is ultimately just an asshole and not that smart. 

- A Bolian client came down the steps outside the door and was about to enter the shop, but for some reason he stopped at the threshold. He looked at us, turned, and went back the way he came.

LMAO that guy was like ‘something really fraught and homosexual is going on here and that is frankly none of my business, as you were gentlemen don’t mind me.’ A real ally and a bro.  

“I’m keeping you from your business.” Bashir stood up. “I won’t take up any more of your time.”

“I’m pleased you stopped by.” I was about to escort him to the door.

“No, you’re not,” he said quietly.

“Excuse me?”

“Garak, I come from a culture that has perfected the ‘stiff upper lip,’” he explained with the same faint smile.

“What does that mean?” It was a genuine question; there was a change in his attitude.

“It means that we never complain, never admit to our feelings, never ask for help. It’s just not done,” Bashir explained. “And those people who lack character’ and insist on airing their needs—especially in public—are subject to ridicule… and worse. Does this sound familiar?”

“Perhaps,” I replied softly.

“But I’m also a doctor, Garak. And I know which group of people suffers the most. I really won’t take up any more of your time.” He extended his hand, which he rarely did, and I took it. “Thank you for the tea.” He turned and went out the door.

I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. Yes, Doctor, it does sound familiar. But as to the question of which group suffers the most…

. . . 

After Charaban’s betrayal I became as withdrawn and solitary as I had been when I first came to the Institute. I tried to spend time with Palandine, but it never quite worked out; between her regular duties and the recruitment and planning for the female Competition, she had little time for anything else. But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

1) Going NUTS over the fact that these are separated by ONE paragraph. Andy Robinson staring directly into the camera making parallels between the main love interests in this book like ‘Am I making myself clear here. Do you get it yet’. Also really interesting to make this relationship pattern a, well, pattern in Garak’s life, and not a unique element of his and Bashir’s thing (which Doylistically was basically a byproduct of cowardly 90s standards for tv writing more than anything else lol)

2) But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

 The Palandine/Bashir parallel train barrels on, scoring a deep trail of heartache into my soul. Also in that case it’s so sad because he really hasn’t done anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of, Barkan and Palandine are the ones who fucked him over :’( 

3) I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. + Tolan’s grief at seeing Garak after Bamorren: “He’s hard, Mila,” Father said. . . . “But to the point where he’s unreachable?” Father asked. “Where nothing penetrates? How can he express even his basic needs if he’s trapped inside a shell?” + Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?...........................................................................

4) More proof to my eyes that Julian’s side of this whole thing seems to be more about thinking Garak doesn’t actually want him to be there. He doesn’t think he’s welcome here or that he’ll be able to help more than he hurts with whatever’s going on for him. ‘I really won’t take up any more of your time’ AUGH 

Garak buddy… every time he tries to get closer to you or extend some care, you bristle like a hedgehog even though you’re trying to do it in as polite and decent a way as possible — what is the poor guy supposed to think beyond a certain point lmao. (Though on the hopeful/beautiful side… what is this entire book but Garak actually taking the advice/suggestion Bashir gives in this scene to reexperience his past and put it in context — not in the holosuites, but in his own way by writing it all out in a way that makes sense to his Cardassian brain and then sharing that with Julian directly. Like. The last line of the book is ‘You’re always welcome, Doctor’. Elim ‘I will become emotionally healthy enough to ask Julian to come visit with an open heart if it fucking kills me’ Garak)  

I’m so soft for how careful they both are with each other in this scene, though. Even in this difficult place where there’s stuff they don’t understand about each other and they are having difficulty connecting for… several reasons, they are trying so so hard to be good to each other. Which is why I think they have every chance of working out brilliantly long-term; once you’ve got a mutual respect, willingness to keep working to understand and communicate with each other even when it’s difficult, and that fundamental ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ good faith in a relationship you’re a good chunk of the way there, from what I have observed. 

Julian cares that Garak was upset, much more than he cares about being right, and this time he shows it in a more private setting where Garak can take it in. They’re trying!  

5) The implication in But as to the question of which group suffers the most… that Garak also realizes how much he’s hurting Julian by not being able to let him in…

Most of all the fact that Bashir in this scene is like ‘Listen Garak I get emotional repression. I’m literally British.’ is one of the funniest things that happen in the whole book. To me. (I’m Norwegian, culturally this has. Some overlap with my experience, let’s say lol) 

- Six had long since gone home. He wanted to succeed so badly, but his body couldn’t withstand the constant assault of the training. I’m sure he found an academic situation. 

Oh thank GOD. Genuinely so relieved to hear this. This is how many times a nerd boy must pass out before he rests in the sand and gets to go to normal university instead of murderschool, the question is finally answered.  

- Tain has shown up again and I want to throw rocks at him until he goes away. And I know he won’t. 

- My shed has become somewhat more bearable, but the clutter and confinement of the interior space requires that I leave the door open. To keep myself busy when I’m not working with the med unit, Doctor, I am engaged in a project I must tell you about. It baffles me. Perhaps you can tell me if I’m losing my mind altogether.

. . . 

[Parmak] turned to me with the strangest expression on his face—and looked me directly in the eyes for the first time.

AUGH. (Plus, the fact that Parmak consistently calls him ‘Elim’.)

But what baffles me, Doctor, is that I attach no meaning to what I’m doing here. I’m just doing it because I need to. And to be truthful, I don’t see this as a memorial at all. On the contrary—if I could, I’d singlehandedly rebuild this city myself, piece by piece. I stood here watching Parmak’s blood dry on this pile of rubble, engulfed by a feeling of loss and utter mystification as to what these piles mean.

Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor.

This whole section is the biggest mood and I’ve rarely felt closer to a fictional character haha. His quietly dissociated tired bemusement both with himself and what he’s doing and Parmak’s reaction is… yeah that’s exactly what that feels like. And ‘Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor’ has done irreparable damage to my psyche, I’m going to be thinking about this forever

- Palandine gestured that she would deal with me and sent the mate on her way.

“So what did you use me for?” I asked.

“What do we ever use each other for?” she replied without hesitation.

“Answering a question with a question is an old trick, Palandine.”

“No trick. I needed a friend.”

“And you don’t need a friend now” I hated the tone that was creeping into my voice.

“It’s complicated, Elim.”

I was afraid to ask why.

“What did you use me for?” she asked.

The question truly baffled me. I only wanted her love. Was that using her? I would gladly have given mine in return.

Still gnawing on concrete over Garak partially reenacting Palandine’s way of approaching him with Bashir in the beginning. At that point he also needed a friend (and he needed someone to run to Sisko like ‘THE SPY TALKED TO ME :D’ to deliver intel through so he was also using him lol.) The way Garak picks up traits from the people he loves like he’s doing the soul version of Odo’s shapeshifting-as-closeness thing because it’s the only way he knows. 

- “So it’s Eight,” he said, dismissing me from his world.

“I don’t think you understand, Barkan….” Palandine began to say.

“It’s not necessary that he understand,” I dismissed him from my world.

Barkan… you did not understand what you were doing, getting into an emotionally and sexually charged petty-off with this man. RIP your stupid ass I guess lmao

“I wanted to tell you. But when I realized … I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said with a gentleness that rankled me.

“I’m not hurt. Neither one of you can hurt me. I wish you a successful… partnership.”

Palandine is so interesting!!!! And like here’s one of the things that I think make a big difference in Garak’s relationship with Palandine vs. his relationship with Julian — who tells him exactly the same thing in ‘The Wire’, after all! (I don’t want to hurt you) Because Palandine doesn’t really mean it, does she? She doesn’t mean ‘I don’t want you to be hurting, I want to protect you from being harmed’, she means ‘I didn’t want to be the thing that hurt you; I didn’t want to be faced with your hurt’, while she is doing things that will inevitably hurt him. I think there is genuine affection and care on her side, but they’re in such a fucked up, brutal world and they’re so young. 

‘I’m not hurt. Who’s hurt’ says teen crying quiet tears of blood as his world falls to pieces 

“I love him, Elim. And I’m also ambitious. I want what he wants. You’ll understand this when you find someone to share your….”

Not me wondering how much of this has echoes to Mila’s relationship to Tain and how that’s part of what Garak reacts to — that survival mechanism of ‘I want what he wants’, subsuming and submitting yourself completely. Which of course is what a Cardassian is supposed to do to the state, and that Garak also does with Tain for the vast majority of both of their lives. The worst part is that Palandine really had some reason to hope for more — she and Barkan start out in a more equal position than it’s implied Mila and Tain ever did, that’s always framed as an inter-class thing, and while Palandine’s family situation is not as grand as Barkan’s it doesn’t seem like it crosses the service class/ruling class barrier. But the structure of the state imposed on every level of society right down to the most intimate and personal areas of life is going to crush the life out of that hope real fast. I’m sorry girl. Wanting to have a fighting chance in this world isn’t the worst sin anyone’s committed and tbf you are like a teen by all accounts

- “My name is Elim Garak. I don’t know where I’m being sent, but I hope you’ll remember me as your friend.”

“When I was told today that I was One Lubak, I was honored… and afraid that I’d lose you as a friend. Thank you. My name is Pythas Lok.”

Neither one of us ever took our eyes off Mila, who was still trying to blend into his surroundings.

Crying gently into my cereal

Garak ‘I wasn’t sure I could ever call him a friend’ vs. Pythas ‘Afraid that I’d lose you as a friend’

Something powerful was stirring deep inside me, and I began to shake. Mila snapped his head to the side, the way he does when he senses light or heat change. Convulsive waves pushed up from my center and tears filled my eyes, blinding me. I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. By the time the convulsions subsided and my eyes cleared, Mila had disappeared into the rock-and-sand home he came from. 

Absolutely sobbing my eyes out into my cereal 

Spoiler warning: Garak having to go somewhere to be alone after something calamitous happens in his life because that’s the only way he can cry is a theme that will reemerge later and do unspeakable emotional damage to me personally haha

As I hiked back to the Institute, I had the thought that maybe somebody was doing the same thing for me and bringing me back home.

No baby you see someone is doing the exact opposite of this to you right now because you have a basic goodness and capacity for real honest love that Tain doesn’t and he’ll never in a million years set you free just because he loves you and it’s the right thing for you 

- And Jadzia is gone. The station is a sadder and grayer place without her. I’m surprised at how keenly I feel her absence. Even though I know that her symbiont has been “joined” with another person … well, it’s not the same, is it? Indeed, knowing that Jadzia’s personality is somehow contained along with several others within this other person, I wonder how I would react if we were ever to meet.

:(

The doctor has reminded me that these are personal choices, and it’s not for us to judge how one chooses to mourn. Quite so. Who can even begin to understand another’s grief? “Do you judge people by the clothes they ask you to make?” the doctor asked once. I bit back my response, but the point was well taken.

:’) little soul-healing brush of Julian kindness time 

- “What does Tir Remara want with you?” Colonel Kira demanded, ignoring my offer of tea. Immediately an entire picture formed in my head of the scenario her abrupt question suggested: Tir Remara—a spy, perhaps even a changeling, preying upon a lonely Cardassian who was working for the Federation and engaged in top-secret work.

“She wants to have my children,” I replied with a serious look.

“You can’t be serious,” she managed.

“I’m not. Now do you want this tea or not?”

Kira should just have strangled you all those times she wanted to you snarky asshole fhdskja

[theelderhazelnut]

Ombra's Biography

Warning: mentions of trauma, death, mental health problems

The image on the left is made with X-girl maker and the one on the right is made in artbreeder.

General Information

Full Name: Atoosa Aryan

Name Meaning:

Atoosa - Daughter of the Cyrus the Great, bestowing very richly

Aryan - Relating to or denoting peoples speaking Indo-European (or specifically Indo-Iranian) languages

Nicknames/Alias:

Ombra - widely used by Metalrealmers and her allies

Boss - given by her comrades

My soul - given by Quan Chi

Stone Face - given by her comrades

Ağlamaz Gülmez - meaning “doesn’t cry, doesn’t laugh”, given by Gizem

Age: 36

Date of Birth: November 26th

Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius

MBTI: INTP-A

Sex: Female

Gender: Demigirl

Pronouns: She/They

Sexuality: Demisexual

Species: Half-human, Half-Metalrealmer

Race/Ethnicity: Iranian

Country of Origin: Iran

Current Place of Residence: Metalrealm

Physical Appearance

Skin: Normal. and smooth. Pale ivory.

Height: 5'10 / 178 cm

Weight: 149 lbs / 68 kg

Eye Color: Abnormal light gray

Hair Color: Dark brown

Hair Texture: Thick, almost curly

Body Type: Muscular, hour-glass figure

Prominent Features:

Square face shape

Iron-jaw

Thick eyebrows

Broad Shoulders

Clothing Style: Ombra’s default outfit includes a black overcoat with a black vest which is secretly bulletproof, black pants and bottom-up shirt underneath the coat, and knee-high punk boots. These items can vary in their gothic and steampunk elements. In general, she prefers her outfits to be gender neutral.

Personality

Positive Traits: Mature, intelligent, understanding, patient, confident, logical, calculating

Negative Traits/Flaws: withdrawn, stoic, bloodthirsty, vengeful, gloomy, impious, stubborn, controlling, easily annoyed, remorseless, radical

Hobbies: playing chess, reading, writing

Likes: playing chess, solving mysteries, studying, studying people,

Dislikes: 98% of the people, singing, children,

Goals: destroying the Cult of The Elder Gods and taking revenge

Fears: losing her political position and power in Metalrealm, falling under the Cult’s control, losing Quan Chi

Health

Physical Health: Ombra has had an eye surgery as she used to be short-sighted. A few years ago, her jaw was severely broken, so she replaced with a metal one, resulting in the scars on her cheeks. Her vocal cords are damaged due to a throat tumor. And later one in the story, her right sclera becomes oxidized.

Mental Health: Ombra has had depression, OCD, and ADHD as long as she remembers, and those symptoms in her worsened once her parents died and she was left alone in a foreign country. She used to be suicidal during the time she worked as a servant in the Sky Temple. And when Falkus dragged her to Metalrealm to train her as an MRD agent, she learned to build a thicker wall around herself. During those years she felt nothing but powerless. She watched as her superiors made decisions for her long lost life, and she could do nothing but obey. Gradually, she learned to use her psychology knowledge for her own benefits. She learned how to manipulate people, especially from Falkus, and discovered that she actually has leading skills. Ombra became more and more of a control-freak, especially when she eventually earned the position of the head of the MIS. Taking control is like a coping mechanism for her through which she makes sure she doesn’t get hurt. Meanwhile, her repressed wrath made her a vengeful sadist, ready to use her power to take down empires.

Phobias: Thalassophobia

Professional Life

Education: Ombra was close to earning her Ph.D in psychology when she left to live in Metalrealm.

Professions: The president of the Interrealm Forces in the MRD Organization

Fighting Attributes

Abilities/Powers:

Ferrokinesis - Ombra has the ability to manipulate anything of iron or has iron in it. This includes distorting the shape of those materials, and creating iron out of thin air.

Heat and electricity manipulation (very limited) - iron is a heat and electricity conductor, so if Ombra turns her limbs into iron, she can manipulate them to her advantage.

Sound manipulation (very limited) - sound can travel through iron, so Ombra can sometimes make a use of it.

Blood manipulation (very limited) - due to iron existing in blood she can manipulate it to her advantage.

Skills:

Leading

Intelligence

Using melee weapons

Martial arts and self defense

Deception

Psychological manipulation

Strengths:

Ranged-combat

Negotiable

Weaknesses:

Impatient

Stubborn

Closed-combat

High electricity pressure

Extreme heat

Strong soundwaves

Weapons:

Melee weapons she created with her power

A gunblade

Relationships

Family:

Unknown father - deceased

Unknown mother - deceased

Older sibling: Gizem - alive

Friends/Allies:

Quan Chi

Gizem

Shinnok

Kano

Erron Black

Kabal

Noob Saibot

Havik

Shao Kahn

Menace @bisexualjohnnycage

Andrius Nils @scentedcandleibex

Sienna @loverofthewindgod

Zoe @zoetheneko

Dia @darialovesstuff

Enemies:

The Elder Gods

Hanzo Hasashi

Varian Hasashi @middlechildwhoescapedthebasement

Kuai Liang

Jax Briggs

Jacqui Briggs

Nightwolf

Kotal Kahn

Love Interest:

Quan Chi - lovers

Alternate Universe:

Lady Xuna @bisexualjohnnycage

Huepazu @huepazu

Leila @takiisieju-moved

Alex Demir @chadillacboseman

Backstory

Centuries ago, Delia had a vision about a woman dressed in all black outfit who was slaying the cultists one by one, threatening the Elder Gods themselves. She couldn’t discover her name, but one thing was certain about her: she was a half-Metalrealmer.

Atoosa Aryan was born in Hamedan, Iran among religious people whose lives were ruled by a religion centered society. Atoosa's family was considerably functional. She was a gifted kid who gradually became a perfectionist, and also a people pleaser thanks to her controlling mother who cared a lot about what others were thinking about them. Atoosa's powers were revealed when she was a toddler. Her powers were extremely weak, yet her mom constantly warned her to conceal it.

Atoosa used to be a cheerful and quite energetic child, but growing up in an extremely male dominant country which was also torturing its people with poverty and increasing number of crimes, turned her into a reserved and stoic adolescent with a pretty low self-confidence.

In order to escape, save herself and create an ideal life Atoosa emigrated to Turkey. She studied psychiatry in university. She was one year away from graduation and earning her PhD when her parents decided to pay her and her older sibling, Gizem, a visit. But the airplane was targeted by two rockets. Atoosa swore to find and punish anyone who was behind that incident.

Meanwhile, without her knowing anything, Metalrealmers were searching the universe for that certain half-metalrealmer to kill her. Metalrealmers believed that their gene must not become impure as they wanted to preserve their magic. Raiden was also aware of this, so he also began to search -as his duty to preserve the cult- only to find out that she lives in Earthrealm, and as its protector it was easier for him to uncover her identity. Raiden saw a great potential in her, yet he was quite afraid of her and what she could turn into, so he decided to offer her a place in the Sky Temple. He wanted to keep a close eye on her and make sure that she never gets the chance to gain power and become that monster in Delia’s prediction.

Eventually, Atoosa reluctantly trusted him only because she needed some help in order to survive. She moved to the Sky Temple, and began her job as a maid. She was miserable. She barely had time to focus on her studies and dreams.

A complicated relationship was formed between Raiden and her. Atoosa needed him, yet she was mad at him for putting her in so much misery. On the other hand, Raiden didn’t want to see her suffer, but he had no other choice.

Atoosa’s depression got worse, and suicidal thoughts began to lurk in the back of her mind.

Then Falkus came to action. He knew about Atoosa, and had discovered her location. He wanted to use her as an intelligent weapon to destroy the cult, and gain his freedom. He made contact with Atoosa, and tried to talk to her, and technically, brainwash her to believe in what he believed. He wanted her to escape Raiden on her own. Falkus told Atoosa about the cult, and that her parents’ death was their fault. He reassured her that if she came with him, he’d protect her from Metalrealmers and give her all she needs to take her revenge.

Atoosa didn’t want to trust anyone ever again, but she had nothing left to lose after all, so she only pretended that she trusts him, and moved to Metalrealm. She had other things in her mind. She must be the one in control this time.

She started her training in the MRDO, and focused more on her psychology studies. Without Falkus’s knowledge, she took every opportunity to earn a higher place in this organization. She helped the chiefs and soldiers in numerous missions by her strategic mind and great knowledge in psychology. Eventually, she achieved her goal, and also gained the nickname that almost replacedher real name: “Ombra the Ironhead”.

Ombra became the chief of the Interrealm Forces. She arranging her own plan for the revenge on the cult. She wasn’t under anyone’s control as she desired. She told Falkus that she was merely his ally, not a servant or a weapon.

Now Ombra wants to unleach her wrath, and destroy those who took away her innocence, childhood and dreams.

[methed-up-marxist]

work in progress

Support for transgender liberation has cemented itself as largely axiomatic amongst the left in the anglosphere - with the exception of the UK - and whilst TERFs and more classical transphobes certainly do exist amongst our ranks they largely understand themselves as having to smuggle their beliefs in under the radar of a consensus that has been hard won by decades of queer struggle. And yet! One of Marx’s primary injunctions is to get beyond the surface appearance of social phenomena and draw out the underlying logic. In turn we must acknowledge that gender is not a mere appendage of capitalist social relations but rather is one of their structuring principles and so the successful rooting out of transphobia is not reducible to its declarative rejection. It is my contention that transmisogyny, owing to its extremely under-theorised and under-discussed nature, ranks strongly amongst those sub and semi conscious articulations of transphobia within our movements and their corollary social spaces. Therefore, the task presented is to theorise transmisogyny with a view towards promoting discussion of it. There is a simple mechanical list of what behaviours constitute transmisogyny and I certainly intend to provide it, comrades who do not desire intellectual growth through struggle but rather to simply not receive side-eyes from the trans women they organise alongside are welcome to skip to the appendix, however in continuing with the above injunction I intend to trace transmisogyny as a social logic. In the founding claims of transphobia we often find the expression “men are men and women are women” a tautology whose primary function is to simultaneously both conceal and mobilise the threat “so you better fucking stay that way”. Many who are rightly horrified by the straight-jacket of social roles this intends to impose upon us respond by decomposing the concept of ‘men’ and ‘women’ into ‘men/males’ and ‘women/females’, however they engage in this decomposition alongside transphobes who are perfectly happy to say “yeah she acts/talks/looks like a man but really she’s female”. It is precisely this framing which is integral to gender as a regime of social control: the imposition of a more real essence, configured as ‘biological reality’, over and above the actual practice of how people conduct life and exist. Communists must be well-versed in refuting claims about ‘human nature’ and so I leave the argumentation as to why this framing is bullshit as an exercise for the reader.   Transmisogony then can be summed up in the following statement “transfeminine people are those who you get to treat as women, but always can claim are really men”. What does this claiming look like then? Certainly it is often more subtle than outright misgendering. Its characteristic traits are the over-ascription of agency and intent, reducing the question of power in complex social situations to issues of ‘strength’ and ‘size’ alongside a general refusal to recognise gentleness and expressions of care.   

[cienie-isengardu]

No offense but Cyrax always gave off a new recruit vibe compared to the other members. Seriously he seems a lot more...normal than the other Lin Kuei and seems more...open minded compared to the others. I feel like Cyrax was a fair bit older than the regular Lin Kuei enrollment when they found him(probably late teen to young adult) and since Cyrax wasn't as indoctrinated they just shoved him with Sektor to keep him grounded since Sektor was more obedient of the two.

Cyrax and Tomas Vrbada have no confirmed or hinted biological ties to Lin Kuei and as Botswanian (African) and Czech (European) respectively, both came from culturally different backgrounds than the majority of the clan members (Chinese/Asian). We don’t have much details on how each man was recruited and at what age they joined. However with Tomas, we at least know his reasoning for joining the Lin Kuei, as his official BIO stated “it has been Smoke's hope that through the Lin Kuei he will discover his past--and the origin of his power”. About Cyrax we don’t even know the reason behind his choice to pledge his life to Lin Kuei but there was a clear boundary that he did not intend to cross:

“I chose to serve the Lin Kuei. But I will not surrender my free will! [MK9]

Like you, I too assume he joined at much older age than majority of adepts started their training (either like Sektor from birth destined to be Lin Kuei or like Bi-Han & Kuai Liang kidnapped as a young children), however I would argue with the new recruit vibe, as Cyrax presumably was already well-proven top fighter to take part in Mortal Kombat Tournament and he too was steeped in Lin Kuei beliefs - like the disdain for Shirai Ryu clan

“Your inferior clan is dead. Soon you will join them.” [MK9, Scorpion Chapter]

or once considering Lin Kuei as the honorable clan

“[...] He has contemplated leaving the clan, fearing that it is no longer an organization of honorable assassins.” [MK9's Cyrax BIO]

The last one is especially something that Cyrax shared with Kuai Liang, as the younger Sub-Zero for a long time did not realize how deep Lin Kuei’s evilness run even though he worked for the clan as an assassin himself all his life:

“When I finally killed Sektor, I discovered the Lin Kuei had not sacrificed it's honor with the Cyber Initiative. We had abandoned it long before.” [MKX’s story mode, Scorpion Chapter]

So, I’m not sure if Cyrax was that much more normal (mentally healthier) than the rest as he clearly was influenced by Lin Kuei teaching. Though I assume between Sektor and Bi-Han, it is no wonder Cyrax feels like the most normal Lin Kuei to be around because the story mode allowed him to express emotions and fight for his own humanity. In contrast, Sektor is withdrawn and obey-at-any-cost while Bi-Han has this lone wolf vibe due to barely interacting with anyone, even his own comrades. So in that case alone, Cyrax is the most sociable one, no question about that.

Frankly, compared to Sektor, no one of the named Lin Kuei is even on that level of indoctrination, however what is worth to point out, Kuai Liang in original and alternative timelines was brought to Lin Kuei at young age and was trained to be an assassin his whole life yet even with so long-lasted indoctrination he always rejected C.I. Project. Despite his loyalty to Lin Kuei, he would rather abbadon the clan than allow anyone to turn him into a machine, not to mention rejecting the “no friendship rule”, both in the case of Tomas and his own brother. He, Tomas and Cyrax share that trait, no matter the differences of their backgrounds or amount of time spent with Lin Kuei. 

Did Cyrax presumably joining Lin Kuei at an older age influence his stubborn commitment to individuality and humanity?  Definitely. But I think it is also the fact he was not alone in believing that C.I. Project was a wrong decision, as at least Smoke and Tundra supported that belief. Was Sektor paired with Cyrax to keep in check the man’s independence? Yeah, that sounds very likely, especially since original timeline mentioned this

“[...] In the guise of fighting alongside his Lin Kuei comrade, Sektor's orders are to watch and report on Cyrax. Sektor's reports will decide whether this is the last mission for Cyrax." [Mortal Kombat Gold’s Sektor BIO]

As human Cyrax was already questioning Grandmaster’s plans, I would not be surprised if Sektor was tasked with watching and reporting his comrade's behavior to the Grandmaster. 

[lostcauses-noregrets]

@greatkittyinthesky commented:

Strategy is also translated as wits most of the time, which makes sense for both Hange and Armin as they’re tacticians, not strategists. Also, I think you misunderstand Erwin’s EQ. He’s one of the most emotionally intelligent characters in the story, and this is an extremely important trait in his ability to both delegate and manipulate. Also, Levi is a good tactician as well, though he’s often underestimated for this.

You're absolutely right. I really didn't explain myself very well when I said "Levi also has the kind of emotional intelligence that Erwin admitted he himself lacks." I was thinking specifically of the Smartpass Erwin & Levi Up Close Interview where Erwin is talking about how much Levi's subordinates trust him

"He just has a rude attitude…but he cherishes his comrades’ life more than anyone else. His reputation cannot be established based on strength alone, Humans can subconsciously detect how much concern others have for them… and when they notice this kindness, it inspires power…That is something that I can’t do."

That's not quite the same thing as emotional intelligence though, that was just lazy use of terminology on my part. Your explanation of Erwin's emotional intelligence is much more appropriate and spot on, so thanks for that.

[cosmicjoke]

Do you think Levi would still be humanity’s strongest without the Ackerman blood? I feel like even though Mikasa was also an Ackerman and extremely strong Levi was still miles ahead of her in strength and so I’m wondering if he was just naturally a great fighter/strong without them.

That's a really interesting question, and making the comparison between Levi and Mikasa is a good starting point, I think, because obviously both of them have the advantage of their Ackerman blood, which is what makes them the two strongest soldiers in the Corps. But you're also right when you say that Levi is well ahead of Mikasa when it comes to fighting prowess and possibly strength.

For one thing, and I hope nobody jumps down my throat for saying this, but it's just a natural fact, men are naturally stronger than women, so if you took Levi and Mikasa just at their base strength, you would give Levi the advantage based on his sex.

But there's of course also the factor of Levi's size. Levi is a very small man, physically. Now, I do think Levi is immensely strong, even without his Ackerman blood. For his size, based on his physical traits, i.e. his height relative to his weight, I think Levi is built very stoutly and thickly, and no doubt is incredibly strong. But again, this is for his size. If he didn't have his Ackerman blood, I think men like Erwin and Mike, for example, would be much stronger than him. Size does matter, when we're talking about physical strength. Pound for pound, I think Levi is probably stronger than anyone else in the Corps, but without his Ackerman blood, just based on size alone, I think some of the larger men would be physically stronger. One might argue Mikasa could be too, since she's quiet a bit larger than Levi, both in terms of height and weight, but again, because she's female, it wouldn't translate quite the same as with the males.

However, we also have to take into consideration, not simply physical strength, but speed and skill.

I think Levi, really BECAUSE of his size, would still be the fastest soldier on the field. He's compact and obviously densely muscled. He's like a cat, in that regard. Basically, I think Levi would get a lot of bang for his buck. Speed kills, after all, and power often comes from speed. It's the blow you don't see coming that knocks you out. Like you said, I think Levi is naturally strong and very athletic, regardless of his Ackerman blood. He's built like an athlete, small, quick and coordinated, with a lot of fast-twitch muscle. And if you've ever watched combat sports like boxing or MMA, it's often the smaller fighters that are the best. They have more speed, they're more coordinated, their reflexes are better, etc...

On top of this is of course Levi's skill. He knows how to fight, better than anyone else in the Corps, and that's probably because Kenny taught him how to fight as a child, and also from his general experience having to fight growing up, just to survive in the Underground. It isn't just the knowledge he gained from his Ackerman blood. If that was the case, as you rightly point out, Mikasa would be equal to him in terms of skill, but she's not. So, again, Levi is superior as a fighter to his comrades because he grew up fighting, he had real experience fighting and fending for himself from other people, from young childhood on. There's no substitute for experience, really.

Sooo... based on all of this, I guess the answer to your question would be that, yes, I do think Levi would still be humanities strongest, even without his Ackerman blood, though the competition between him and Mike would probably be a lot closer, lol. Mike would have more power than Levi, would probably be able to deal more devastating blows to titans, etc... but Levi would still have more speed and skill, and would probably be able to still take out more titans on that alone. And between Levi and Mikasa, Levi would still have more speed, strength and skill as well, I think, so he would have the title.

[innerchorus]

What do followers of the King Snake look like in terms of appearance and personality?

Followers as in the sorcerors of Team Zahhak? There's not a whole lot of detail on physical appearance from what I recall, at least as far as the disciples are concerned. You'd have to comb carefully through the novels for crumbs of info there but I wouldn't expect any specifics like hair or eye colour (though there were a few references to their eyes glowing — I wasn't sure how literal Tanaka intended this to be but it obviously informed the way Arakawa draws them in her manga... and come to think of it, their eyes also had a red or blue glow in the anime too).

Their personalities largely share the same negative traits. They tend to be sneaky (favouring what would be considered dishonorable methods of combat such as trickery, poison, sneaking up on others from behind, etc), generally negative/critical even of their own comrades (they're working together but they do not appear to be fond of each other and it feels more like a competitive relationship than true teamwork), spiteful, short-tempered, easily frustrated, cruel, etc. You get the idea.

I obviously paid more attention to Gurgin in particular as he's my favourite and easily the most interesting of Team Zahhak, and I do think you get to know him more in the novels. He's an ambitious smooth talker who enjoys feeling superior to his fellow disciples and is keen for his talents and efforts to be recognised by their Master. He's also the only disciple with backstory which you may have already read about, but I'll link to anyway. Like the others, he's willing to commit some truly awful acts to accompish Team Zahhak's aims, but every now and then there are glimpses of what little humanity he has left, though he does lose those traces progessively over the course of the story. I'll stop myself there before I write a whole essay on Gurgin, anyway.

Of the others, Gazdaham probably stands out a bit more than the others, partly because of his rivalry with Gurgin. He also loses an eye during the second half of the series, so there's a tidbit of physical description for you. Honestly, in a way he becomes quite a comical figure especially in his struggles to control Ilterish, and his fervour for Zahhak often verges on the ridiculous. He's a bit of a contrast to Gurgin, who even Ilterish takes more seriously. Ilterish mocking Gazdaham is fucking hilarious though.

Oh, it's worth mentioning that in the novels their cloaks are grey, though I've adopted the black they are shown with in the manga personally.

Hm, what else? In the novels, Pulad was the mage killed by Isfan during the night raid, and he was said to be inexperienced. Arakawa switched the mages around so in the manga it was Gurgin who died in that scene and I am still not over it.

I know this has been shared before, but here are Arakawa's designs for the disciples, with the translation of their names added by me (don't talk to me about the fact that Gurgin would almost certainly be 'Gurgan' if he had ever been referred to by name in the manga).

They don't wear masks in the novels, either.

Okay, now for the Unholy Master. In terms of appearance he's very beautiful (though it's apparently an artificial kind of beauty). Even Gieve acknowledges that he's handsome, lol. He has long blond hair and blue eyes. He's a bit of a mysterious figure and I won't go into the novel's eventual reveal of his origins here but I will say I hope we get to hear about it in the manga, too.

To speak of his personality, he appears content to use his disciples as tools, and while he is the one who teaches them magic the fact that Tanaka once stated he's careful not to teach them anything that would allow them to equal him speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. He is clearly drawn to power (the same is likely true of all the disciples though it's very evident with Gurgin, whose interest in Zahhak's power even goes back to when he was a trainee priest). He usually seems composed but he's not immune to feelings of bloodlust (this is probably common in members of Team Zahhak; again it's something we see with Gurgin) and he can be provoked to anger by Gieve of course ahaha. That he is manipulative goes without saying.

I guess this probably covers the question to the best of my knowledge, unless you're interested in figures like Ilterish or others who have been given Zahhak's blood, or the body that hosts Zahhak (even if you hide the shoulder snakes I think the person looks a bit... off. I would have to check specifics but as far as I can recall they were described as having purplish lips and reddish eyes; see this Shinobu Tanno illustration from Book 16).

[lukedanger]

For the trope day of the Ashley Appreciation Week by @cannot-rest , I’d like to build off of the similarities between her and Shepard and the contrast it creates. Specifically, the trope of Undying Loyalty. Both Ashley and Shepard have something similar to the Alliance, but it also creates one of Ashley’s actual flaws instead of the ones made up to demean her like the false claims that she is a fundamentalist Christian.

Plus, I think discussing this trope in light of Ashley’s character and how the flaws of it interacts with her virtues really hammers home something. Ashley Williams is not a simple black-and-white character but instead regularly deals with and knows how to handle gray.

“I’m an Alliance Marine - it’s in my blood.” Those are the words she uses to help hammer home how she cannot - will not - join Shepard while (s)he is flying the colors of terrorists. She cites her family as a reason why she wanted to become a soldier despite knowing that the Alliance blacklists them for political convenience. She considers Earth’s best interests her own and strives to achieve them as best she can from her position as a soldier. If there is one trait of Ashley’s that I would say opens up the most to examining her, it would be Loyalty.

And the fascinating part of it is that it seems nonsensical at first glance. What has the Systems Alliance done to deserve her loyalty? If anything, I would posit that the Systems Alliance does not deserve Ashley Williams. If she dies in the first game, all the Alliance does is take a quote out of context for political purposes. It’s the salarians and the turians who actually honor her sacrifice on Virmire. In the third game she makes a lot more ground, but I think we all know that a huge reason for that is that Udina was grooming Ashley to be Shepard’s successor as a visible human Spectre.

In a way, this loyalty via patriotism is a virtue. Ashley recognizes something bigger than herself, and while she describes herself as being incredibly thick-skilled to do it, puts up with officers abusing her(1) she does it because she believes in the Systems Alliance. She puts others’ needs above her own and considers herself no more - if not less - valuable than her comrades. Sure, there is the motive of breaking the family’s undeserved reputation, but push comes to shove she priorities the Systems Alliance over that.

After all, consider the scene that everyone blows out of proportion when she asks if Garrus and Wrex are wise recruits. Ashley is probably the most vulnerable person on the ship, and she damn well knows it. If Shepard was inclined she could be dumped up on any charge Shepard damn well pleased and screwed over. Even more so since Shepard is now a Spectre and she knows that the brass will give political favorites a pass if it serves them (case in point, Harkin). Yet, she still dares to (respectfully) ask Shepard if this was a good idea.

Where does Ashley, to use a particularly apt turn of phrase from Rome, turn loyalty into a vice? I would say all the above. Ashley puts so little emphasis on her own self-worth that she’s willing to martyr herself for those who happily wave her dead body around for political brownie points and do absolutely nothing to address why she felt so worthless.* She cares so little about herself because she has forced herself to conform to what she believes the Systems Alliance wants from her to be accepted as a soldier and a person. *If anything, they probably were glad she died - dead heroes are a lot easier to use for political purposes than live ones.

The other vice entwined with virtue is her desire to prove the Alliance was wrong about her family. It is a virtuous thing to want to do - if nothing else, she erases it for the rest of her family so her future nieces and nephews never have to deal with what she faced growing up. Yet it is another drive that pushes Ashley to ignore her own self-worth, something that Shepard picks up. Shepard asks Ashley if she thinks falling on her sword would redeem her family of her grandfather’s supposed sin. Terrifyingly, Ashley laments that it probably wouldn’t or even matter, but she tries to martyr herself on Virmire anyways.

Ashley’s loyalty to the Systems Alliance may seem to be a tautology, but it hammers home how dedicated she is to causes higher than herself. And that’s with being fully aware of the Alliance’s flaws! Her loyalty to individuals, such as to Shepard, is far healthier as she has the agency and the willingness to use it. If Shepard refuses to address Ashley’s (or Kaidan’s) legitimate issues with Shepard being with Cerberus, she has no reason to believe Shepard. To convince her (or Kaidan) to chose to trust Shepard despite the danger to the Council that Ashley (or Kaidan) is protecting, Shepard has to earn that loyalty.

And to be honest, we need more party members who are willing to stand up to the almighty PC in plot relevant ways rather than just causing them to leave the party. Role-Playing Games can annoyingly center themselves around a protagonist and not give their squadmates room to stand by their principles. Ashley Williams and Kaidan Alenko both stand by their principles, and for that they are slandered.

-

(1)Case in point, Ashley was denied authority over the squad she officially led by an officer who explicitly tells her “Your friends might not see it, but I do. You can’t escape your past, Williams.” during the events of Mass Effect: Foundations 3. The exact panel is even on her wiki page on the Mass Effect Wiki as of this posting.