#it all sounds a bit too hand-wavey to me

[toomanyacronyms]

Probably gonna get hate for this, but the "broader autism phenotype" just sounds like...

... The DSM IV. With a little aspie supremacy thrown in for funsies. Specifically PDD and PDD-NOS.

[nomazee]

hihi!! i love ur writing sm and was wondering if u could do a chuuya x also mafia executive reader (similar to the dazai friends to lovers u did a bit ago) with the unestablished relationship but so obviously in love trope

thank u sm!!

i went so overboard omfg FORGIVE ME... i hope this is cohesive i kept working at it at like deep into the night so it's a little hazy omg but i loved this so much im such a sucker for this trope and chuuya and dazai are like the best characters for this kind of genre i feel

pairing: chuuya x gn reader word count: 2.8k content: fluff, hurt/comfort (an abundance of it), friends-to-lovers, mentions of sickness (vomiting, fever, etc), domestic fluff, sweet stuff, also hand-wavey teenage timeline because i didn't read all of stormbringer forgive me...

°+..｡ﾟ｡ﾟ+.*.｡.

“They said they might promote me, did you hear?” 

Chuuya glances to the side at the sudden sound of your voice. You’re leaning over his shoulder from behind him, face mere inches from his as you grin widely. He has to fight the twitches of his own lips to stop himself from smiling back. “And who’s they, exactly?” 

“Oh, you know. The grapevine. Just some whispers in the organization. And Kouyou.” You lean back, the radiating warmth of your body suddenly escaping Chuuya. He walks behind you as you make your way down the hallway, a little jump in your step as you recount the news to him. 

“It’s what you get for working so hard. Guess it paid off.” 

“You think I’m hardworking! You’re a flatterer, Chuuya Nakahara.” 

“Sure am,” he quips back with amusement. Banter with you is different than with Dazai. With you, it’s lighthearted, and silly, and makes him feel like he’s fourteen and messing around with the Sheep again. With Dazai, it’s… charged, and fast-paced, and builds up a kind of aggravated energy within him that works well in fights but not in a room of Kouyou’s antiques. 

“But guess what,” you start again, looking over your shoulder where Chuuya follows close behind. Your pace slows down to let him catch up to you and walk side-by-side, now. “I think you’ve got a good chance, too. You’ve got some executive qualities, you know?” 

It makes Chuuya pause for a moment, because he hasn’t really thought about it before. After the mess that was the Sheep, he hadn’t considered taking up any kind of leadership or executive position in the Port Mafia. It wasn’t really his thing—too much work, too much responsibility. And as much as he loathed to admit it, it would probably mean even less time to spend with you and Dazai. Being mentored by different people already limited your time with each other. 

He tries not to think too hard about the implications of it—of you and Dazai working under Mori’s hands while Chuuya gets Kouyou’s firm, but gentler palms. A vague kind of sickness washes over him that he tries to shake off. 

“I don’t know about that. I think I do better in a quieter position, don't you think?” 

“Nothing is quiet about you. Especially not with that partner of yours,” you joke back. “I could put in a good word for you! Once I get promoted, I’ll have, like, a bunch of power and influence, and I’ll be all high and mighty, and you and me and Dazai can all take care of the Port Mafia and be all cool, and everything.” 

It’s a pipe dream. Both of you know that. Chuuya knows best about your hidden resentment of this organization and all that it stands for, all that it does. He’s heard whispers about your plans to take over—plans that would never come to fruition. Plans that were more like dreams and wishes and hopes. Something to get you through the day. The budding smile on his face falters when he turns and sees that distant look in your eyes. A sigh bubbles in his chest, but he holds it down. 

“Hey, slow down. You don’t even know if you’re getting the position or not.” His comment is met with a roll of your eyes and a chest-deep groan. You launch into a big speech about how qualified you are for the job, and all the different things you’d institute as a mafia executive (nap time, stress room with cats, petting zoo, iced tea dispensers), and Chuuya nods along and laughs for as long as he can.

===

You do, in fact, get promoted to an executive, but at the cost of a lot of things. Dazai leaves the mafia with no warning to you or Chuuya. You don't see him at all for two weeks leading up to his defection, and it all happens in a blur that leaves your head swimming with vertigo and your body much too frail to handle everything. 

Chuuya finds you sobbing in your en suite bathroom, kneeling on the floor and crying so hard that you’re dry heaving. He hasn’t seen you like this before. Even in your rare moments of vulnerability, it was never something so visceral and uncensored. He stands in the doorway, looking down at you, and freezes. His palms itch with the desire to do something, something that he hasn’t learned.

“You… Hey, hey,” Chuuya drops to the floor once he snaps out of his daze, crouching next to your curled up form as you shake with the force of your tears. He tentatively reaches out a hand, easing onto your shoulder. When you don’t give any sort of negative reaction, he wraps his arms around your shoulders and pulls you in for an embrace. 

It’s odd. This isn’t something that the three of you did. For all that you and him and Dazai kicked and pushed and shoved each other jokingly, this kind of touch is unfamiliar. It’s scalding in the way that sitting in front of a space heater in the dead of winter burns you.

He shushes you like a child because he’s not sure what else to say. He’s just as shaken by Dazai’s defection, but he knew that you and Dazai had become so close over the last few years. Being trained under Mori together does that. His chest squeezes at the sight of you like this, broken down and shivering and sick at the loss of your friend. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m so sorry. Shhh, it’s— it’s okay.”

Chuuya smooths a hand over the top of your head, sliding down to rest between your shoulderblades. His mouth presses against your temple in a gentle kiss, feeling how cold and clammy your skin has gotten. He doesn’t know how to heal you. His hands are made to weigh people down and hurt and subdue, and he’s not sure if he can handle the gentler things like holding you and swathing you in blankets and cooking you soup. 

But, he thinks with a renewed determination. There’s no harm in trying. 

Three months later, you take Dazai’s executive position at the age of nineteen. Chuuya follows suit after another year and a half and becomes executive at twenty. You only think of Dazai when your head swims in gin and when you can’t feel the heat of Chuuya’s hands near you.

===

The both of you find yourselves in Chuuya’s apartment drinking the night away. At this point, you’re both twenty-one, and being in the mafia has offered you countless resources for alcohol and the like. A warm haze has blanketed you as you take another sip of whatever sweet fruity drink Chuuya has concocted for you. He drinks a glass of wine, because he’s weird and bougie, which you tell him straightforwardly. 

“Wine’s just an acquired taste,” he tells you.

“It’s glorified grape juice. It tastes like yeast.” 

“That’s… kind of what it is.” 

You laugh so hard that tears bead in your eyes and you hit him on the shoulder hard enough to bruise. It’s not even that funny, really, and he wasn’t even trying to make you laugh, but it’s so late into the night that you don’t even know what time it is and everything is funny when you’re this drunk.

“I’m hungry, Chuuya. I miss your soup,” you say, a whine in your voice as you throw your head back against the armrest of the couch. You’re stretched out on his velvet upholstered couch with your feet in his lap, and he’s been tracing circles against your bare shins while some documentary plays in the background on the TV. “You haven’t cooked for me in forever. I thought it was your duty as a househusband to cook every night, or something.” 

“Hey! I’m not anyone’s househusband,” he shouts in protest. When you push your head up from the armrest to glance at him, his tanned face is flushed a warm red and his brow is furrowed in playful indignation and you’re struck with the urge to bite him like a chew toy. Instead, you let out a soft kind of laugh and roll your eyes. 

“Yeah, you are. You’re my husband. Have been since the day I met you.” In a burst of newfound energy, you propel yourself up and off the couch, swinging your legs off his lap and standing up. “Let’s go make some soup. Your pantry’s probably stocked, right? Since you’re on top of all your housekeeping.” 

“Geez. You’re never letting that go, are you?” 

“Of course not! Come on. You have to teach me how to cook now.” 

Chuuya has reserved bone broth in his freezer, because of course he does. You submerge a container of it in hot water and wait for it to defrost while he helps you dice and saute vegetables in a pressure cooker. 

(“Don't pressure cookers, like, explode, or something?” 

“...who taught you that.”)

It’s a miracle you can even use a knife safely, because your head is still swimming a little bit and the line of empty bottles on the coffee table taunts you and your bad decisions. You also blame it for the way you stick close to Chuuya, bumping your hips together and leaning your head on his shoulder for a few fleeting moments until the pressure cooker starts hissing. 

He serves you a heaping bowl and when you tell him you’ll puke if you eat the whole thing, he pushes the bowl at you from across the counter and says, “I’ll guess I’ll just clean your puke for you too, then.” 

“Gross. You’re really a househusband if you’re brave enough to do that.” 

“Househusband this, househusband that. All I do is cook.” 

“And clean up the vomit of your lovely lovely spouse.” 

“Sure,” he says, and he turns back to you and puts his own bowl next to yours. Then, in a swift, undeterred motion, he reaches across the kitchen island, over both steaming bowls of soup and kisses you straight on the mouth. It shocks you right into lucidity, eyes blown wide and lips nearly parting at the sudden contact. Before you can really think about it, Chuuya pulls back, circling around the kitchen island to sit next to you with two spoons so you can both eat. “As long as that lovely lovely spouse is you.” 

You feel—light. Airy, sick, nauseous, more at peace than you have been in the last three years. A stupid smile starts forming on your face and you hide your giddy laughs into your soup. 

Chuuya would never act like this sober, you think, still cherishing the little moment you have. Thankfully, you’re proven wrong when he keeps doing it—walking you back to your apartment the next day, going out to a mafia-affiliated diner the next week, in an empty meeting room after everyone has left.

===

Another year passes. You find yourself in the throes of the cannibalism incident—not as a bystander, but as a victim. Because that’s just your luck, really. 

You don’t know how you were caught in the crossfire between Fyodor and Mori, but somehow you were infected with the cannibalism virus and bedridden for nearly three days, in-and-out of consciousness while you hoped and prayed that somebody would save you. For the entirety of the conflict, you were left alone in the PM infirmary, sweating off your perpetual fever and coughing up stomach bile into a metal garbage can. 

It was awful. There’s no blame to put on anyone, though. Everyone who was able to stand was on the front lines, so to speak, and from what you understood you weren’t as big of a target as Mori. Three days alone in a sterile bed was worth it for the survival of the organization.

At the end of it all, in the calm after the storm, sitting in your dorm, Chuuya visits you. 

You don’t look too great, still recovering physically and emotionally, but you can’t find it in you to care. The second you hear the familiar cadence of his knock and the shuffling of his stupid heeled boots, you rip the door open and are met with his wide-eyed expression. 

“Hey,” he says, and you burst into tears because god. It hasn’t hit you until now, seeing him in front of you, his warmth radiating from his hands as they reach out to hold you, but you could’ve died or he could’ve died and then what would’ve happened? Years and years of knowing each other, seeing each other at your worst, taking care of each other. Cooking in your kitchen and sleeping on his couch and kissing him like it meant nothing. It could’ve all been gone. 

The mafia isn’t a safe occupation to begin with, but this entire thing has made you realize how fleeting everything is. So you sob, and you let him hold you and bring you to the couch, and you let yourself be weak.

“Hey,” he says again, tone now placating, gloved hands resting on the back of your head and between your shoulder blades as he sits next to you on the couch. You have no regard for where your body is right now, legs sprawled out somewhere beneath you and arms reaching up to grab at Chuuya’s clothes in any way you can. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” 

You cough wetly into his shoulder, a whine forming from between your violent sobs. Your body shakes with the remnants of your sickness and the exhaustion of the week and a small voice in the back of your head tells you that it’s embarrassing, that it’s unbecoming of a mafia executive to be so affected. 

Death threats and poisonings and shootings—you deal with it every week. You choke out another whine of distress as you press the heels of your palms against your closed eyelids in an attempt to quell the tears. It doesn’t work. You’re still weak, no matter how hard you hurt. 

“Shit, Chuuya,” you cough out a weak sob, shivers wracking your body as the weight of everything crashes onto you. “I was so sick. I was alone. I thought I would die. God.” You pull back from his hold to rub at your eyes with your raw palms.

“Stop that,” Chuuya says, with a gentleness you swear you haven’t heard in so long but in truth it’s been with you for the last two years. “You’re gonna hurt yourself.” Cold fingers wrap around your wrists and pull them away from your face. 

The white-hot heat of embarrassment scalds the back of your neck. You feel like a scolded child with the pitying look he gives you, and with your hands locked between his there’s no way to hide. 

“Stop,” you tell him, “quit it, Chuuya,” and you don’t know what you’re begging for, but it’s the lowest you’ve ever felt—a feared member of the mafia on their knees crying and asking for some kind of mercy. 

“I wouldn’t let that happen,” he mumbles, and he pulls you just a bit closer with the grip he has on your hands. His chin rests on top of your head and you shove your face into the crook of his neck.

For once, he doesn’t smell like his gross luxury perfume. He smells like your laundry detergent and grass and the city and even more tears spill over your cheeks. Your fingers curl into his and you clench his knuckles until you feel them creak through the gloves. 

“I wouldn't let you die,” Chuuya’s voice is no more than a whisper, but it’s the most determined you’ve heard him sound. “I wouldn’t let it happen.” 

“I don’t need your protection,” and it’s a weak protest, and you’re grasping at straws to argue with him and push him away and make him stop before you make yourself sick with how hard you’re sobbing. You feel one hand slip from yours and slide up between your shoulderblades and start trailing along the nape of your neck, tracing circles in a lulling gesture. 

“I know you don't,” he says, “but I would really like it if you let me. Just once in a while. Let me cook you soup alone and wash your face and clean your hair. All that stupid stuff.”

You cough out a weak laugh. Your househusband shtick from a year ago comes back to you, and so do all the warm evenings spent together in the kitchen and the kisses left on his cheek and the ones left on yours. You feel the warm press of his mouth against your temple and let out your last weak sob before you hold him tight again, squeeze him hard against you to make sure he’s still there. And that’s where he’ll stay.

[dragonshoard]

I've been brainstorming the conditions under which BB!Jinx would meet Vi, and one option I've come across is post-Shurima conflict and Silco's death (still up in the air on how THAT happens). Vi is released as a result of Caitlyn's newest project to burn out the corruption in Piltover's judicial system. Vi comes back to Zaun to try and find Powder, eventually running into Sevika who reveals that Silco killed Powder. As a note, Sevika does NOT know that Powder was revived and genuinely isn't lying to Vi knowingly. Not many Zaunites have actually seen Jinx's face at this point other than a few select individuals.

Vi crashes out. Hard. Going down the drinking and fighting route she did post-Cait break up.

I've mentioned before that Vi is also spirit-blessed in this AU. She's tempered iron and bedrock, an untapped potential forged to serve as a reliable foundation; someone capable of carrying the world on her shoulders even on the worst days.

(Some of this is pretty literal: her bones are very difficult to break and she's very good at taking hits.)

This connection to the arcane draws Jinx to her, who is somewhat disappointed at the state she finds her spirit-sister (ha). Jinx takes to patching her up when Vi gets especially banged up.

Here's a snippet of one of their interactions. Tis a work in progress.

Why is Jinx wearing a veil in addition to her feather cloak? Haven't figured that out quite yet - probably something along the lines of it not being entirely safe for her face to be out there at the moment or a religious trial of some sort. Either way, I realized it was way too easy for the hood of her cloak to be knocked down so I had to add an extra layer of security.

--x--

“Ya know, this is the fourth time I’ve had to drag you to the church in a month.” 

The arm in her grasp jerked away in an attempt to escape, but Jinx was used to dealing with unruly patients. It was easy to adjust her grip to keep a better hold of the injured limb and continue wrapping it in clean bandages. 

“Stop tensing. You’re going to end up with loose bandages and then where will all of my hard work have gone, huh,” Jinx scolded, pinching the singular uninjured part of the exposed shoulder.

“It’s not like I asked for your help.” The arm tensed again before visibly, forcefully, relaxing. If there was one thing Jinx appreciated her unwilling patient for, it was that despite complaining the brawler actually listened to instructions. 

“Don’t be ungrateful, shithead.”  snip

“I just don’t get why you’re going through all the trouble. You could do your hand-wavey healing magic and I’d be out of your hair in half the time.”

Jinx frowned, tempted to give the cocky bastard another pinch for the audacity but eventually settled for rolling her eyes. The humor was lost, of course, with the thick veil covering everything nose up, but it was the thought that counted! 

“Only people who don’t go around picking fights and making a mess of their pretty faces get a fancy healing session with me.” She slapped the adhesive just a bit harder on the bandage than necessary, feeling a glow of satisfaction at the responding flinch. “You, get to heal the old fashion way. Slowly,” Jinx cackled. 

“And here I thought you religious folk were supposed to be kind and worldly,.”

“Excuse you, I am the kindest person you will ever meet. I could’ve left your scruffy ass where I found it instead of hauling you all the way to my side of town.”

Jinx was careful with the remaining materials, quickly packing away the salvaged remains and sterilizing the needles she had used with a lighter. With a cursory look at her first aid pouch, Jinx realized that she would have to restock soon. 

“Seriously, you don’t have to keep wasting your supplies on me. I’ll get by.” 

Now, that sounded far too depressing for this early in the day. And that was disregarding the blatant day drinking that the older woman took part in. Jinx looked back up to make a joke but stopped short at the look on the other’s face. 

Ah, it was one of those days.

“Vi - “ she began, stopping for a second to try and find the right words.

She wasn’t - good at talking; had never picked up the talent despite how often she’d needed it - too cutting, too sarcastic, and entirely lacking in patience. She’d gotten better over the years, but it didn’t change that in times like these Jinx just wasn’t the best person to turn to, especially when dealing with jobs that went beyond the body. 

[kazimakuwabara]

Final Date 3

Here for Part 2

Summary: Kuwabara finds that Yusuke is also suddenly very concerned with his health

***

"I'm telling you Urameshi! It was weird as hell! Kurama blending me up this weird drink!" Kuwabara complained, popping an egg in his mouth. He chewed, and hummed his appreciation of Yusuke's food before whining, "At six in the morning!"

Yusuke was patiently listening to Kuwabara as the man whined and enjoyed his lunch. Kuwabara often ate at Yusuke's stand for lunch, the pair catching up over a bowl of noodles.

"You drink it?" Yusuke asked, adding a second egg into Kuwabara's bowl.

"Ah yeah, I mean... he was being considerate, if not a little weird!" Kuwabara reasoned, grinning as Yusuke dropped an extra egg into his bowl, "It was pretty good too. Gritty... but tasted alright. I kept worrying the mandrake would come back to life in my stomach though!"

"You should make sure to drink it regularly then," Yusuke said firmly. "If Kurama came up with it, then the drink is good for you."

Kuwabara looked at Yusuke with a suspicious expression, "Don't tell me you're suddenly worried about my health too?"

Yusuke made a face, and resumed chopping up a cucumber into bits, "Well, I read something-"

"Urameshi... you can read?" Kuwabara gasped with faux surprise, a hand going to his heart.

Yusuke flicked some cucumber at Kuwabara, and pointed his knife at him, "Watch it!"

Kuwabara snickered, and shook some of the cucumber bits into his bowl. Taking a mouthful of broth, he giggled, "Alright, alright... you were saying?"

"Listen, I read somewhere, that doctors take the least care of themselves. They're so focused on their patients, they don't notice when they themselves are sick or are too stubborn about it when it does happen!" Yusuke gave Kuwabara a pointed look, "That sounds like you to me!"

Kuwabara slurped his noodles noisily, his brows uplifted in good humor as Yusuke glared at him. When Kuwabara swallowed, he let out a satisfying, "Ah!" and then picked up his bowl. He saluted Yusuke with it and then breezily admitted, "I guess that can be true. I don't like to notice when my own body is failing me. I've pushed myself to see to my patients!" Kuwabara made to slurp up his broth, but Yusuke plopped his knife on top of the bowl, staying Kuwabara's movements.

"You're not ignoring your body's needs, are you?" Yusuke asked, a growl behind his words.

Kuwabara sighed, and set his bowl down, "Urameshi, I'm fine! Really! It is true, I do suffer a bit when the flu count is high, or any other contagious disease flares up. My workload increases, but I look after myself. Besides, as a pediatrician, my clientele list is rather small right now. I just see kids, and normally I just to give them their immunizations, measure their growth, and remind them not to put weird things in their mouths!"

Yusuke smiled a little, "Don't kids spread the most disease?"

Kuwabara piked his bowl back up now that Yusuke didn't seem to want to impede him anymore, and slurped up his broth. When he was done, he put the bowl down, and nodded, "Yeah. Kids are grubby things. Cute though."

Picking up the second egg Yusuke had gifted him, Kuwabara popped it in his mouth, chewing while looking thoroughly pleased. Yusuke stared at him, his expression soft with concern.

Kuwabara would always be Kuwabara, but he was different now. His pompadour was gone, and his hair crowned his head in a slightly fluffy style. His hair was wavey, and almost unruly even. Something he had managed to hide with his greased-up style in the days of his youth. His face was that of an adult, his body too. Gone was the cracking voice, and gangly limbs with slightly too big feet and hands. He had filled out, his voice was low and steady. His face was still smooth, and would probably not get any lines or wrinkles for a while still... but Kuwabara was an adult.

They were all older.

Catching Yusuke's gaze Kuwabara frowned, "...Are you worried about something?"

"You would tell me if you're feeling sick right?" Yusuke asked his own question instead of answering.

Kuwabara furrowed his brows, "I'm not planning to tell you every time I get hay fever, Urameshi!"

"I'm being serious," Yusuke snapped, slapping a hand on the counter, "If you feel sick, I want you to tell someone. I want you to rest. I want you to take care of yourself. You have to live for a very long time, Kuwabara!"

A silence fell over the stand, and Kuwabara stared at Yusuke's bitter expression. Yusuke's face hadn't changed at all. Not in all their years together. If he hadn't adjust his hair style, he might still look like that punk kid from years ago.

Kuwabara nodded, and seriously promised, "I will. I will. We're not so old that we need to worry too much about a cold or a flu. But I'll look after myself, Urameshi! I promise. If I ever get really laid out, I'll tell you. I'll even whine at you until you come take care of me, how does that sound?"

Yusuke nodded, not meeting Kuwabara's eyes. Grabbing up some ginger, Yusuke began to cut it, not bothering to remove the skin. He muttered a grumpy, "You better!"

Kuwabara laughed, "When you're annoyed the next time you have to deal with my snotty ass, I'll remind you how you were about to cry until I promised to let you take care of me!"

"I WAS NOT CRYING!"

"You were about to!"

"YOU SHUT UP!"

Yusuke's stand, normally a popular stopping place for lunch, remained empty that day. The potential lunch-goers for the day were a little worried over the noise, and even more worried when the owner of the stand, put one of his customers, a full head taller than him, into a headlock.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary327

8/11-12/24

sunday - monday

you would not believe how hellish this sleeping pattern is!!

i was gonna try and stay up all ... day, i said night, but it's day now, my mind's fuzzy as hell, i was also gonna read but i just keep getting sidetracked and all this stuff, i was gonna try and stay up all night, day, sorry, and sleep at like 10 pm... that is like 11 hours from now. that's horrible!

my gf was gonna stay up too, is the thing that would have let me stay up longer probably, but she's asleep now. so i just have to sleep.

i did just do some editing now... nice.

i want to work on more songs... i did 2 today, as well, maybe more... it's hard to really think straight about it, i wrote some new riff down and i think i like the riff ideas a lot but i kind of hate the guitar sound, it's just not reactive enough idk... it doesn't handle lower tones well... i need to figure out how to get something that sounds almost clean but that's hard with synths, or not clean, but simply overdriven and not super distorted, and to let the mids come through better... huhmnnnnmagggggggggggg

i am just too fucking tired to be thinking about this though, and i'm really past the point of sanity re: judging my music...

here's the guitar bit i'm really obsessed with kinda, i just really would like to get spider-y sounding stuff down better, without it sounding so...idk, gothic? in my hands, it's not that i want to refuse like, some kinda gothiness, i mean this song has that, but it's a different kinda spider-y, i want less. hmm, it sounds almost like an acoustic thing? with what i have, but i want something jangly and irritating, and so when i do get into the more no-wavey bits, it's not so odd i guess.

but idk, there's no point in being so anal about this right now. i have to sleep.

but tomorrow i wanna try harder on figuring that out, maybe i'll get really into that or something... idk... i just want to make my dumb faggy songzzz.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[twicearoundthesun]

“You’re being ridiculous, Mina. I was wary when they roped you in to caring for one child – but now two more? You don’t owe these people anything.”

Mina held the phone away from her ear and fought the urge to throw it across the room. Sana frowned at her sympathetically from the other side of the couch, taking her free hand in hers.

“It’s not about owing them, Mom.” She tried to explain calmly, once again. “It’s about helping my friends in a tough spot, and about taking care of three kids who really deserve a good home.”

“And they have them. Without you.”

“One of them does - and let me remind you that you gave me a difficult time when I said I wanted to help with Chaeyoung, too -  but-”

“Don’t take up that attitude with me. I only reminded you that we’re paying for you to get an education, not to babysit.”

“You’re also paying for me to go have a college experience, to make friends and to support those friends when they need it. I wasn’t going to abandon one of my friends to take care of her baby sister alone, especially not after such a tragedy.”

“I thought there were four others?”

“There are and you know that isn’t the point.”

“No, the point is they’ve already guilted you into taking care of one child that isn’t your own at twenty-two years old, and now they’re trying to guilt you into taking on two more. It’s preposterous.”

“No one is guilting me into anything. I care about these kids. I buy them toys, I teach them little science experiments. I pick them up from school and their eyes light up when they see me. I give them so much love and they love me back.” She glanced up at Sana who nodded in support. “They’re such good kids, and their foster home– they’re not in a good place. We… We think they’re being neglected.”

“Sounds like something the state can and should take care of.”

Mina bit her lip hard to stop herself from biting back. How could the woman who raised her show such little compassion? Sana ran her thumb over the back of her hand, and it calmed her enough to continue talking.

“The state will only take them away from each other, from Chaeyoung, from us.” She tried in an even tone, but it was wavey with emotion. “They’re over our apartment all the time, they feel safe with us. And the three of them together are inseparable. Both of them have lost so much in their lives. They have such a hard life. The six of us, we could give them a good home.”

“We just can’t allow you to throw your life away for two little children you’re not related to. I already despise that you’re expected to help care for your friend’s little sister. You need to focus on studying and getting a good job. On your own life.”

Mina took a deep breath. Steeled herself. “I wasn’t asking for your permission, Mom. I’m going to help take care of these kids.” She felt tears forming at the corners of her eyes. Sana now sat much closer, rubbing her back.

“Not if you’d like to continue getting an education, you won’t.” Mina froze. It felt like someone had sent electricity through her veins. “We will not hesitate to pull you out of that school, Mina. Your second choice school has just as good a biology program and your father knows the dean of admissions. We could have you taking classes there by Monday.”

Mina was silent. An anger bubbled up in her chest. She saw no other option. But she knew what she needed to do.

“Fine.” She whispered. Sana froze. “I won’t help.”

“Good. I expect you to move out of that apartment. Those girls are clearly bad for you.”

She chewed on her lip. She hated to hear her mother talk about her friends like that, but she knew she could spin this, if she didn’t lose her cool. If she didn’t look up at the betrayed look on Sana’s face and the tears in her eyes. “I can’t afford an apartment by myself.” She lied.

“Tell you what.” Her mother sounded so happy now. It made Mina’s stomach hurt. “You find a nice apartment, we’ll give you rent money every month. Nicest one you can find. I’m so glad you understand my point of view, Mina. You’re not a nonprofit. You can’t just go around taking every charity case you find. It’s sad those kids need a home, but there’s simply nothing you can do about it. So just forget about them. Kids grow up in abusive situations all the time. Okay?”

“Mh.” She’d played right into Mina’s plan. And Mina felt horrible about it.

“Find a nice apartment, get me a quote, and we’ll wire you the money every month.”

“Mhm.”

“Love you, sweetheart.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You’re mad now, but you’ll thank me when you don’t have teenagers to be responsible for when you’re thirty-five.”

Mina stayed quiet. Her mother wished her a good night and hung up.

She met eyes with a teary Sana. Her heart broke.

“Y-You’re moving out?” She sniffled. Mina’s brow creased and she quickly pulled her in for a hug.

“Of course not, Sana. I would never abandon you guys. Never.” She whispered. “I’m going to lie to my parents about where I live for as long as we can keep it up. And we’ll use the money they wire me for childcare.”

Sana looked back at her with doe eyes. “Are you sure? That’s… that’s a lot. That’s going to be hard.”

“Of course I’m sure. Anything for the kids. For you guys.” She said, but her voice broke. “I’ve never lied to them about anything so big before. I just… I know they’re worried about my future. But… Dahyun and Tzuyu need me. Need all of us. I’m just so mad at my parents for not understanding.” She scowled. “No, for not caring.”

She felt the girl squeeze tighter in her hug. “We’ll be okay.”

“If they find out they’ll disown me.”

“They won’t find out.”

“But if they do-”

“We’re right by your side. Always.”

Mina sniffled and closed her eyes, allowing herself to soak up the comforting warmth of Sana’s hug for a little while longer.

[redhawtriot]

Everything is Almight (Izuku x Reader~All Might’s daughter~)

Hey, so this is actually an adaptation/excerpt of a story I posted hella years ago. Lol, I felt cringe at my old writing, but also nostalgic! So I just had to fix this scene up! It was one of my favorites!

Basically, the you’ve only recently begun living with you father, Toshinori, after your mother’s death and you don’t know much about him. He hasn't told you about his training Izuku, One for All, or the fact that he is All Might. 

This becomes an issue because you not only end up going to U.A., but you develop a crush on the one student that could blow his secret alter ego out of the water: Izuku Midoriya. 

Forbidden grounds.

Uncharted territory.

A girl’s house. 

For Izuku Midoriya, all three of these items might as well be synonymous. 

Girls were, and always have been, somewhat of an out of bounds, beautiful, enigma that he would see throughout life, but never had the will or courage to approach-- like panda bears, or fluorescent jellyfish. 

God, was he really comparing you to a jellyfish?

Izuku sneaked a glance at you as the image faded into his mind, but the smile you threw back at him as you walked by his side, sent him retreating-- scrambling for cover as he pulled the collar of his shirt up to mask his severe blush. 

He shouldn’t have looked at you when you were so close to him. 

It made everything much too real. 

He was really going to a girl’s house-- uncharted territory-- forbidden grounds. 

The surrounding world began slowly fading into black as the two friends neared their destination. Izuku gulped so hard, that you threw him a slightly concerned look.

‘That sounded painful,’ you nervously chuckled, “Hey, Izu, you don’t have to be afraid of my dad or anything. He’s the nicest person I’ve ever met! I’m sure the two of you will get along!” 

 The severe tunnel vision weighed upon the boy’s mind, but it didn't stop the rampant thoughts from racing around in there, ‘I wasn't even thinking about that. Oh god, Y/N is really strong. I wonder if her dad is just as badass as her… I’m so plain-- I bet all stick out like a sore thumb in her family. Oh my god, he’s gonna hate me.’

Unbenownst to him, he was muttering the entire time, leaving you to internally facepalm at your friend’s antics. Izuku was so damn weird. So damn. Jittery. So damn... adorable.

Your face soon matched Izuku’s heated blush.

“Well! Here it is!” you frantically called out, throwing your arms up to present your abode and knock those feelings away from you. Izuku gave a sharp, little jump at your words as you fumbled around with your house key. The shock from your sudden outburst and the impending dread that rattled inside of Izuku’s shaky chest, mixed up into an uneasy cocktail.  Nothing too fancy, right? Anyway, you can make yourself at home!” 

You opened the door, only to look back and See Izuku frozen to the spot, his eyes blank with fear, and his knees tightly buckled. 

You gave a deep sigh before grabbing him by the wrist and practically throwing him through the front door, "Make yourself at home! Don't be weird about it." you laughed as Izuku yelped and flew across the threshold.

"Dad!" you exclaimed cheerily throughout the quiet home, "I'm home and I brought a guest!"

Izuku looked around the house and saw small All Might figurines scattered in random locations everywhere. He knew that you were a huge All Might fan, but having memorabilia in every room of the house must mean that everyone in this house must love All Might. Izuku took in the sight and chuckled nervously to himself.

"I'll be out in a second! I'm taking my medicine!" someone yelled from a back room.

Izuku froze.

His eyebrows slightly furrowed and his mouth flew agape at the sound of the person’s voice. He recognized it from somewhere-- he knew he did, but... he couldn't quite put his finger on it. 

As soon as the man walked through the hallway, into sight, Izuku saw a wavey blonde drape of familiar, golden hair. It was followed by a sillouet that he had seen much of lately.  

Holy…

It finally hit him.

Izuku just about jumped out of his skin in at the sight. In front of you and him, was  the man who had recently begun to train him-- All Might.

The boy let out a long, high pitched whimper as the two males just gawked at each other awkwardly with their mouths opened. A faint white noise could also be heard as the atmosphere grew heavy.

You noticed the tension and furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

Finally, Izuku broke the silence with a squeal, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ALL MIGH-"

"MIGHTY NICE TO MEET YOU, MY BOY!" All Might interrupted, going to shake Midoriya’s hand and throw him a wary glance that begged “please for the love of god shut up.”

Izuku remained frozen in shock, his hand limp in All Mights grasp as you spoke up, "Do… you two know each other or something?" You tilted your head in confusion.

Izuku gave an awkwardly hard, nervous chuckle, 

"Nope! I mean-I don't think so."

"I have never met this young man in my life!"

The two males simultaneously exclaimed.  They threw each other one more horrified glance before finally breaking eye contact with each other and grimacing towards the ground.

Toshinori spoke up, "Y/N, my dear, why don't you go grab the trash and take it outside for me? Trash day is tomorrow." He tried to look earnestly into your eyes, but he couldn't help the frantic undertones in his voice.

"Awh…man. Can't I take it tomorrow morning? I just got in the house!" you complained. Luckily for Toshinori, you were more focused on not wanting to do the task itself, than on his suspicious behavior.

"I cooked some fish earlier today and didn't finish it all. I had to throw it away and I don't want it to end up stinking up the entire house!" he glanced to the side, 'This stinks enough as is! Shit.' he thought to himself.

"Okay, okay. I'll get it for you." you complied. As soon as you walked out of the house the two men started freaking out.

"DOES SHE NOT KNOW YOU'RE ALL MIGHT!?" Izuku gripped at his hair as if to contain the stress of the situation.

"Keep it down, kid! She likes to snoop! And no, she doesn't know! I'd like to keep it that way too!"

Izuku threw his face in his palm, "Just my luck! Of course, when I finally find a cool girl that talks to me, she has to live in the same house as my mentor!"

"With all respect young man please don't think of my kid that way... Ever." All Might twisted his face into an almost painful grimace.

"You.. dad… HER DAD?! SHE'S YOUR KID?!"

All Might bit his tongue in shock, "Yes! So please keep your teenage hormones in check, young man."

"Oh no! All Might's about to give me 'the talk!'" the young boy cried.

"I AM NOT! Quiet down before you blow our cover!" He threw a finger up as if to hush the younger boy.

You walked back into the home, "Is everything all right in here? I thought I heard yelling."

Izuku and Toshinori furiously nodded their heads.

"Mhmm!" the younger man assured, "Everything is All Might- I MEAN ALRIGHT!" he laughed nervously, "Everything is alright in here!" he corrected himself as Toshinori deflated in disappointment. How embarrassing. It took every ounce of his willpower to keep from melting away from this existence right then and there.

You sighed, "Oh... I know what's going on here,” you threw your hands on you hips as you shook your head.

The two men gulped, "you do?" they both asked in unison.

"Yep," You replied as she put her hands on your hips, "You're weirded out by all these memorabilia in the living room! It's not Dad’s stuff! My room in this place is just smaller than the one I had at my other home, so I had to keep some things out here for a while while I figured out what to do with them! Don't worry! My dad isn't as weird as he looks." you teased as both of the men sighed in relief.

After that day Izuku didn't really come by your place much. You simply figured that your father must have frightened him or given him the "overprotective dad" speech. Whatever the reason, your friend and you would have to hang out at his house whenever you hung out after school.

lol lemme know if you guys want more excerpts from this story! I have a lot saved in drafts (draft number rn is like 42 and counting HA. (Someone save me from myself))

[riotwritesthings]

Deep as the Ocean

WinterIron, E | AO3

Me? Writing more monsterfucking for Halloween? More likely than you think!

Title: Deep as the Ocean Collaborator(s): Riot @buckybarnesbingo Square Filled: Y5, Occupational Hazard @tonystarkbingo (card 4052) Square Filled: K3, WTF Ship/Main Pairing: WinterIron Rating: E Major Tags/Warnings: established relationship, hand wavey comic book magic, banter, humor, octo!Bucky, consentacles, Confirmed monsterfucker Tony Stark Summary: Another day, another magical mishap. At least most of the team gets hit this time, and Tony is really trying to focus on that rather than one person in particular. It’s not his fault! He grew up with the internet! Word Count: 6.6k

~~~

It starts with a magical, and very angry, environmentalist.

Because of course it does, that’s just the way their lives go.

And look, Tony gets it, he also agrees that the oceans are important and should be protected, he’s completely on board with that. What he can’t get behind is turning random beach vacationers into horrible fish-monsters in an effort to get the point across.

The fight itself goes pretty well. No one gets mauled by horrible enslaved half-human monsters, because it turns out all it took was one look at the Hulk and all the fishpeople apparently deemed the giant green man their new leader or something. They’ve mostly just been following him in large circles up and down the beach, leaving the rest of the team free to focus on the magic man.

Tony actually feels a little bad about how easy things get once the villain of the week loses his army to a laughing Hulk, so naturally it’s right at the end when everything goes sideways.

Because it turns out their angry environmentalist is the ‘go out with a bang’ type, and Tony is just glad he’s up in the safety of the air when the magical smoke cloud engulfs most of the team. Based on the look of smug-yet-guilty relief on Sam’s face when Tony glances over, he’s having the same thought.

“I don’t think that went the way our evil wizard was intending,” Tony says as he and Sam come in for a landing near the rest of the team, who are still looking mostly human and blinking at each other in confusion.

“Is everyone okay?” Sam asks, then wrinkles his nose as he glances over at Steve and adds “You know, relatively speaking?”

“Man, what the fuck,” Clint whines, hands clapped over either side of his neck, “This is why I like to fight from a distance. This kind of shit is way funnier when it’s only happening to other people.”

“I’m doing just peachy,” Natasha says dryly, looking remarkably calm considering she currently has a fish tail instead of legs.

“You make a wonderful mermaid,” Tony tells her brightly, “Now someone please scoop up the magic bastard before he scuttles away.”

“I feel weird about arresting a crab, even if he was just a human wizard trying to kill us all,” Sam says, but manages to scoop up the averaged-sized, if neon blue, crab without getting himself pinched and Steve flashes him a thumbs up.

Well, Steve flashes a thumbs up at the general area three feet to the left of Sam, but they all know what he’s going for. Considering that Steve’s eyes are currently big and glassy and bulging out of his skull, they should probably just be impressed he’s pointed anywhere near Sam.

“Hey, hey Tony,” Bucky says and Tony can hear his smirk even though he’s refusing to look over.

Tony had gotten a glimpse of Bucky’s fish monster transformation when he first landed and he just... cannot deal with that right now.

“Tony,” Bucky says again, and then something slaps wetly against the leg of Tony’s armor and he’s looking down before he can stop himself.

There’s a tentacle on his shin, slowly wrapping it’s way around his leg, shimmering deep red and black in the bright sunlight.

Tony maybe squeaks embarrassingly before jerking his eyes up again, which leads to him accidentally meeting Bucky’s gaze, and the smug, heated smirk on Bucky’s face has Tony’s breath catching in his throat.

Then Bucky has the gall to actually wave at him with the thin, tapered tip of one of his eight tentacles, while the one still wrapped around Tony’s leg tap-tap-taps against his armor and Tony is lucky he stays standing as his stomach gives a hot, vicious twist.

“Goddamnit Bucky, I was joking!” Tony says, throwing his hands in the air and quickly looking away again. He really shouldn’t have opened the faceplate when he landed, because he’s sure that his flushed face must be giving him away.

“Do I want to know? I don’t think I want to know.” Clint says, most of his attention on poking at his newly acquired gills, and then slapping at Sam when he tries to poke the other side of Clint’s neck.

“You very much don’t,” Tony says, and can’t help taking just a little bit of glee in Clint’s expression.

He then very carefully keeps his gaze fixed on Clint, doing his best to ignore the fact that out of the corner of his eye he can absolutely see Bucky slowly wobbling his way closer, unsteady on his eight writhing tentacles.

“My eyes hurt,” Steve says conversationally, “I don’t think I have eyelids.”

“You don’t look like you have eyelids,” Sam says, and Tony quickly drags his gaze over to Steve because yes, Steve and his hilarious fish eyes, that’s a safe distraction.

It’s almost enough to fight down the heat trying to build in Tony’s gut, the way his blood is rushing undeniably and inescapably south.

Tony wants to point out that the look is not working for Steve, but then another dark, nimble limb tap tap taps against his shoulder and before he can stop himself he’s glancing over at Bucky again.

Bucky smiles at him brightly, taps the very tip of the tentacle against Tony’s jaw, and Tony’s cock throbs almost painfully, blood rushing south so quickly that it leaves him a little lightheaded.

“Why can’t you just be a normal floppy mermaid like Nat?!” Tony demands in a voice that cracks uncomfortably, because seriously, he can’t even look at Bucky for too long.

The way Bucky crosses his thick arms and smirks wider is not helping.

“I am not floppy,” Natasha says, narrowing her eyes and it kind of looks like she’s considering how best to smack him with her tail.

Tony shuffles a couple steps away, honestly grateful for the distraction. And the excuse to escape Bucky’s clutches.

“If you slap me, I’m not going to carry you to the wizard doctor,” he tells Natasha, “you’ll have to ride with fish eyes over there.”

“Hey!” Steve says with a pout, but he’s not facing any of them anymore.

The Hulk makes a questioning sound as he stomps past them again, the poor cursed fishpeople lumbering along happily behind him, and yeah they should probably do something about that too.

“Strange is going to be so pissed,” Tony says and he can’t quite hide his glee, even as Natasha shifts her weight onto her arms and swings her tail up to smack him in the chest.

~~~

Strange is in fact pissed when they come stomping and/or lurching into his ‘sanctum’ with their evil crab in tow, but Tony absolutely catches him laughing when Steve walks into a door frame and drops Natasha.

“You are getting sand... everywhere,” he says, like he’s physically pained, and he would no doubt kick them out if there was anywhere else to send them.

That’ll teach him to be the only trustworthy wizard in the city.

“Hey man, you’re not the one with sand in your shorts,” Clint says, because he can always be counted on to be classy.

“Do you have any idea how many nooks and crannies I have for sand to get into?” Tony asks, and then bends his arm to show the way half the beach falls out of the shifting, moving parts of the armor.

“Do you want to take off the armor at least?” Sam asks, already shrugging out of his wings and shaking himself off.

“I do not,” Tony says flatly, because if he takes off the suit everyone is absolutely going to know that Tony is so hard it would be painful even if he weren’t trapped in unforgiving metal.

It’s not his fault, okay?! He stumbled upon a website or two in his formative years and the idea just kind of... stuck. Way down deep in the back of his mind, because it was never supposed to matter.

Tentacles, what the fuck.

The point is, Tony is staying firmly and safely in the armor, where no one can judge him.

“Please don’t take the suit off,” Strange says with a pained expression and for a terrifying second Tony thinks that he knows. But no, Strange is just eyeing the sandy mess of his foyer as he adds “Just... hold still and keep all your sand to yourselves, please. I’m going to run a few tests.”

‘A few tests’ mostly means waving his hands at them, putting on a light show and muttering to himself.

Tony does his best to just focus on watching closely, hoping everyone will chalk it up to his usual mistrust of magic and not that he’s doing everything he can to avoid having to so much as glance at his boyfriend.

Chiming in to help Clint mock Steve is a pretty good distraction at least, and it’s even better when Sam gets distracted trying to poke at Clint’s gills again and gets himself pinched by the wizard crab.

The flaw, of course, is that eventually Strange gets to Bucky and suddenly Tony can’t focus on anything else.

He's not sure if it's because the environmentalist asshole wizard was running out of steam by that last blast of magic or what, but compared to the scaly abominations he'd originally been creating Bucky actually looks... good.

And sure, Tony is biased, he always thinks Bucky looks good, but even objectively the man is really rocking the half-octopus look.

Tony's eyes get stuck for a long minute on the cut of Bucky’s hips below his tacvest, the barest sliver of pale skin before it smoothly shifts to a deep black, shimmering slightly red in the stupid lighting of the sanctum. The color lightens near the tapered tips of the long limbs and yep, Tony is absolutely staring now and wow, is it hot and bothered in here or is that just him?

He is a little curious what happened to Bucky and Natasha’s pants, but that’s probably the type of question that’s best left unasked, because the answer is ‘magic’, and Tony hates that answer.

“How does this keep happening to you?” Strange asks as he continues waving his hands around Bucky in a presumably useful way.

“Risk of the job?” Bucky says with an easy shrug and the flare of tentacles sprouting from his hips don’t make his shoulders look extra wide, they don’t, except that oh god they absolutely do.

Just like it doesn’t make Tony’s stomach flip all over itself when Bucky looks up, catches him staring, and winks.

“I’m calling OSHA,” Sam grumbles, still pouting over the blister forming on his thumb from where he was crab-pinched.

“You didn’t even get magic whammied!” Clint protests, both hands clapped over his neck protectively because Steve has taken up trying to poke his gills too.

“And I’m not waiting until it happens to me!” Sam says, throwing his hands in the air.

“My eyes still hurt,” Steve says, and he’s definitely pouting about it now.

There are several half-shouted responses to that, including Tony’s suggestion that Steve go stick his head in the birdbath out front, Natasha saying something about fishbowls, and Clint’s gleeful suggestion of consensual swirlies.

“I’ll look into it,” Strange declares loudly, speaking over them all and pointedly not inviting them to stay while he does. “Call me if it wears off first this time, please,” he adds, shooting Clint a flat look.

“Yeah yeah—“

“Because last time, you just let me keep looking until I had to learn that you were no longer a chipmunk from TV.”

“In my defense,” Clint says, “I had chipmunk brain.”

“You still have chipmunk brain, Alvin,” Tony says.

“Excuse you, I’m totally a Theodore.”

“You’re an Alvin and we all know it,” Natasha says, patting Clint gently on the leg with the end of her tail and it really is amazing how quickly they all seem to have gotten used to their new fish parts.

Which leads to Tony almost thinking about the all-too graceful way Bucky has been moving slowly closer, all muscle and careful, stalking control.

But no, Tony shuts that down and doesn’t let himself think about it, not even a little bit. Not even when he feels one of those tentacles wrap around his shin again.

"Who was the smart chipmunk again?" Sam asks thoughtfully "I want to be that one. I'm the real brains of the operation."

"Does that make Steve Theodore?" Natasha wonders.

"Please, I'm Theodore," Tony says, "'Cause I'm cuddly and sweet. Steve is the mean human who's always yelling at us."

"Hey," Steve protests, glaring at a spot somewhere over Tony’s head.

“Get out,” Strange says, and that’s about all the warning they get.

~~~

Strange portals them back to the compound at least, which is nice of him, though Tony is pretty sure it’s just to keep them from leaving behind more sand on their way out. And he doesn’t even know about all the fish monsters the Hulk is undoubtedly going to start herding in soon.

It’s less nice that Strange dumps them out of the portal directly above the pool in the gym, and Tony barely kicks on the repulsors before he hits the water.

Which is fun, because it means he aggressively splashes everyone else, and also handy because he really doesn’t want to add ‘dry and de-sand the armor’ to his to-do list today.

As it is, all he really wants is to get to his room where he can hide his shame and furiously jerk off in peace.

It’s not so much to ask, really.

“Okay, well, I think you’re all good here,” Tony says as he thumps down onto the tile beside the pool, even though no one seems to be paying him a damn bit of attention though.

Sam is already pulling himself out of the water and stomping off, Steve seems happily distracted splashing water into his own eyes, and Natasha is laughing as she swims literal circles around a flailing Clint.

“I’m just gonna... go,” Tony says weakly, already backing towards the door, “Clean out my suit. Yep.”

With that he turns and bails, bails as quickly as his sand-encrusted metal joints will allow, and he’s in such a hurry to get to the workshop that he barely even registers that Bucky is following him.

It’s basically routine anyways, Bucky follows him back to the lab after a mission more often than not these days because he insists on looking Tony over himself.

Honestly, you hide a major injury or seven and suddenly no one trusts you.

It doesn’t even occur to Tony why this might be a problem until he’s stepping into the lab and halfway through saying ”Bet they’re never going to complain about the pool being salt water again, do—“ Then he squeaks, face heating within the safety of the helmet, and demands “Why aren’t you swimming with everyone else?!”

“I want to make sure you’re not injured,” Bucky says, but he has his ‘innocent and trustworthy’ face on, not his ‘I think Tony is hiding injuries again’ face, and Tony is instantly suspicious.

“I'm fine, and I think you know it,” Tony says, narrowing his eyes to hopefully hide the fact that his stomach is giving a dangerous little twist.

Damnit he never should have told that stupid joke about hoping Bucky sprouts tentacles next time, because now it is next time, and now Bucky knows, and there’s no way he’s going to let this go.

Tony is as flustered as he is excited.

“Then why haven’t you taken off the suit yet?” Bucky asks and his tone is still innocent, but the look in his eyes says he knows exactly why, and all Tony is doing is delaying the inevitable.

He’s also slowly tugging open the straps and catches of his tacvest, which kind of gives him and his dastardly intentions away. It’s also wildly unfair, because he knows what that sight does to Tony, and what was Tony even embarrassed about again?!

So he gives up with a heavy sigh that is entirely for show, lets the armor start to unfold around him and directs his pout at the far wall.

The cool air of the lab is a relief on his flushed skin, and no longer being trapped in the unforgiving metal of the armor is definitely a relief on his aching cock. Even if that relief is immediately followed by the long-ignored burn of arousal in his gut flaring to life, demanding attention and leaving him breathless.

“Don’t judge me, okay, I grew up with the internet,” Tony grumbles as he finishes stepping out of the suit, wiggling his bare toes against the cold ground and wishing he’d thought to pull on more clothes before he’d run off to jump in the armor this morning.

His threadbare pajama pants and shrunken sleep shirt are definitely not hiding how flustered he is, and he has the uncomfortable feeling that his thin pants are already tellingly wet where they’re stretched tight over the head of his cock.

He’s refusing to look down to confirm though, instead keeping his gaze fixed firmly on the far wall to hopefully preserve even a tiny shred of his dignity. Assuming he still has any, Tony honestly isn’t sure anymore, he’s having a hard time even thinking at this point and he’s pretty sure there is zero blood left in his brain.

Bucky doesn’t say anything at all though, and after a second Tony glances over at him only to find that Bucky has apparently moved and how, how is he so stealthy even with octopus legs?!

Before Tony can spin to look for him Bucky is plastered against his back, human arms wrapped around his middle and oh god long, nimble octopus arms wrapping around the rest of him, winding around his thighs and down his legs, one of them draped up over his shoulder with the thin tip sliding so lightly along the line of his throat.

“Oh- fuck—“ Tony gasps as his legs nearly collapse out from under him, his entire body flushing molten hot.

It’s only Bucky’s many, many limbs tightening around him that keeps him standing, stealing what little brain power Tony had left in the process.

“You’ve barely even been able t’ look at me,” Bucky says, lips dragging up the back of Tony’s neck and his voice as smug as anything, “So hot for this, ain’t ya?”

“I’m always hot for you,” Tony tries to argue, because he is, but his voice comes out breathless and he’s shaking in Bucky’s hold and his argument really doesn’t hold much weight.

“Yeah, but I think you’re extra hot for this,” Bucky says, low and teasing and knowing as he tightens his hold on Tony everywhere.

The very tip of one tentacle brushes over Tony's lower lip and his mouth falls open with a sharp gasp, tongue flicking out to chase it without thought. He groans at the feel of it, slick and just a little salty from being dumped in the pool and so smooth. Just like the ones shifting over his arms, sliding up the leg of his pants, and Tony lets out a shaking moan as the suckers drag teasingly over his skin.

“Yeah,” Bucky says smugly, easily sliding his palms up Tony's chest amid the mess of writhing limbs, “Knew you weren’t jokin’ about the tentacles.”

"That, that's n-not, ah—" Tony's weak protest breaks off in a ragged gasp at the scrape of Bucky's teeth over the back of his neck. He struggles weakly against Bucky's hold, mostly just to feel the way Bucky tightens around him and rumbles with soft laughter.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asks, low and teasing, and Tony gasps as one of the limbs wrapped around his middle slides under the waistband of his pants and straight into his boxers, swiping over the head of his aching cock. “‘Cause you’re already wet, sweetheart, leakin’ like this an’ I barely even touched you yet.”

“You are touching me,” Tony points out with a huff, but he’s much more concerned with trying to arch his hips forward into Bucky’s touch and then whining pitifully when he can’t move at all.

“Nah, sweet thing, I’ve just gotten started,” Bucky breathes out hot against the shell of his ear as another limb slides up Tony’s pant leg, wrapping around his calf.

It’s almost pathetic how easily he collapses when Bucky gives even the slightest push, but Tony is mostly just excited to give up the ruse of actually supporting himself on his shaking legs.

The only thing that keeps him from face planting straight into the ground is Bucky wrapped around him, lowering him gently until Tony can catch himself on his hands and knees with Bucky’s broad chest against his back, thick human arms bracketing him in and other, distinctly less-human arms winding all around him.

“O-oh, god,” Tony gasps out, shuddering hard as the tentacle down the front of sweats twines around his cock, rubbing and stroking and fuck that is so unfair. Tony’s brain is already melting out of his ears and Bucky just keeps touching him more, firm and strong and perfect.

More tentacles slide beneath the hem of his pants, looping against his skin and then tugging his sweats down over his hips even though they don’t fall far, not with the way his thighs are wrapped up several times over. They’re everywhere, suckers dragging against his inner thighs, sliding under his shirt and trailing teasingly light up his chest.

“Bucky, just- ah,” Tony breaks off with an embarrassing whimper when the grip around his cock tightens a little, tip of the tentacle dragging firmly over the head and smearing precum over his skin. Another one slides down the small of his back, pressing into his crack and then dragging up and down against the skin with slow, deliberate motions, until Tony is trying desperately to rock back into it and gasping out “Please.”

It’s so much, Bucky wrapped all around him, completely surrounding him, skin still slick with water as it slides against Tony’s own. The stroking along his cock is tight and smooth, the tentacles curling around his chest drag over his nipples with a firm pressure, and Tony tosses his head back with a loud cry.

He shakes and writhes in place, trying to arch his chest forward into the sensation, trying to rock his hips down into the grip of the tentacle wrapped tight around his cock and then back into the pressure of the one dragging over his hole.

“You looks so good like this, so overwhelmed, just fuckin’ lost in it,” Bucky says in a low growl, crowding in impossibly closer until Tony's wet shirt clings to the damp skin of Budays chest, rucking it up higher and leaving more skin exposed for wandering limbs to rub against.

The thin tip of one tentacle presses against Tony’s hole, curling and twisting against the ring of muscle. It pulls a ragged cry out of his chest that only gets louder as the limb wrapped around him twists in place and the line of suckers finally press into his skin, covering his nipples and down his stomach, up his throat, applying the lightest suction.

It’s just enough to have blood rushing hot beneath Tony’s skin, every inch of him tingling with it as bolts of heated pleasure burn down his spine, until the fire in his gut spreads through his whole body, burning him alive.

“You’re not even listenin’ to me, are ya sugar?” Bucky asks with a low chuckle, lips and teeth trailing along Tony's jaw while the suction over his nipples increases.

“Please,” Tony gasps out mindlessly, rocking his hips back into the too-light pressure, “please, I- ah!” Tony cuts off with a ragged sound as the tentacle curling against his hole just barely presses inside him, twisting and rubbing and lighting up all his nerves from the inside out.

It doesn't press any deeper though, just barely working inside him until Tony drops his head down again with a shaking wail, hips twitching in Bucky's hold.

“Please, please, Bucky-“ Tony whines out and he’s so wound up it almost hurts, his stomach pulled tight in burning knots and his cock aching as the limb wrapped around it continues to stroke him so slowly.

He’s barely aware of the broken pleas continuing to spill out of him, all he knows is that his entire body is molten with it and fuck it already feels like he’s right on the edge, like he could fall apart at any moment.

When the tentacle finally presses in deeper Tony’s breath catches in his chest entirely, jolting in place and Bucky is the only thing holding him up, the grip around his cock tightening the only thing stopping him from coming right then and there. And then it pressed deeper, slowly spreading him open, curling and twisting inside him until Tony is wailing out a ragged sound, still straining impossibly against Bucky’s grip on him in an effort to rock himself back into it.

“So greedy," Bucky groans, low and fond, dragging the tip of one tentacle over the head of Tony's cock, barest hint of suction along the base, "I’m already touchin’ you everywhere and you just want more, don’t ya?”

“More,” Tony repeats instantly, his entire body shaking, arms weak and chest heaving in Bucky’s hold, burning, “Please-“

The limb buried inside him withdraws slowly, twisting and seemingly rubbing up against his every nerve in the process, and Tony barely has time to whine about it before another one is pressing against his hole, thicker, throbbing as it sinks into him.

Tony’s ragged cry is cut short by another tentacle sliding between his lips, curling around his tongue and then curling around itself, filling his mouth and stretching his jaw wide.

“You feel so good like this baby, I can feel you everywhere,” Bucky’s voice is low and rough as his lips drag up the line of Tony’s neck, “I can taste you.”

The thick tentacle twists inside him, spreading him wide, and Tony lets out a long, low moan that comes out muffled, mouth still stuffed so perfectly full and spit running freely down his chin.

Fuck he feels full everywhere, the tentacle pressing deeper inside him, rubbing against his prostate as the one in his mouth teases over his tongue, another thin tip dragging over his wet lips.

Tony whines pitifully, reduced to shaking in place as the tip of yet another tentacles slips in alongside the one that’s already buried deep inside him, tugging at his rim and drawing a weak groan out of him.

Bucky’s teeth press briefly against his throat, scrape over the shell of Tony’s ear, and he sounds a little breathless himself as he grows “Fuck I can feel the way you’re shakin’ for it, you ready babydoll?”

The suckers are still dragging over his skin, plucking at his nipples and the head of his cock until Tony is nearly sobbing. Then he forgets about breathing entirely as the tentacle finally starts actually thrusting into him, fucking him open wide and so deep, so thick, feeling like it’s still impossibly swelling inside him and Tony tosses his head back again, keening with it.

Tony’s head is spinning, pleasure spreading through his entire body with every deep press of the Bucky inside him, every shift and drag of the other tentacles against his skin sending bright bursts of pleasure down his spine. Until it feels like his building orgasm might just burn him alive when it finally breaks and still Tony can’t stop the desperate, muffled noises from spilling out of him, trying to beg for more.

“You wanna come baby?” Bucky asks in a low growl, speeding up his thrusts, taking Tony completely apart. He laughs roughly when Tony lets out a high whine, tentacle tightening its grip on Tony’s cock and stroking him harder.

The sound that bursts out of Tony is more of a pathetic whine than anything, bright bolts of pleasure shooting through him with every hard thrust, every deep press of the tentacle inside him and drag over his prostate. He’s close, he’s so close, and Tony keens again as his entire body tightens with it, clenching around the limb still fucking into him and his cock throbbing in the hold of the tentacle wrapped around it.

“C’mon doll, come for me,” Bucky demands, practically a snarl, and the tentacle stuffed into his mouth pulls away just in time to let Tony’s shouted cry echo loudly around the workshop.

Tony would swear he whites out completely, blinding pleasure burning through him so ferociously that for several long seconds all he can feel is the almost painful throb of his cock as he finally comes, the increasingly slick slide of Bucky’s tentacle still wrapped around it, still stroking him quickly.

Bucky is still wrapped around him everywhere, not lightening his grip at all, keeping Tony held firm and he can’t even thrash in place, can’t do anything but take it as Bucky fucks him right through the orgasm, completely breaks him apart.

Everything goes a little fuzzy, just an overwhelming onslaught of sensation as heat continues spiraling through Tony in an endless loop. He can feel Bucky’s rough groan rumbling against his arched back, the tightening of Bucky’s tentacles all around him and Bucky’s teeth diging into the curve of his shoulder. The tentacles inside him twist and press deeper before Bucky finally comes with a loud growl, tentacle swelling even further and then flooding Tony with cum.

Full, god he’s so full, it ends up spilling out of him even around the wide limb holding him open, thick and viscous as it runs down his thighs.

Tony pants brokenly, gasping for air as Bucky’s hold on him finally goes a little slack, just enough so that Tony can suck in giant lungfuls of air without letting him collapse face down into the ground. His inner muscles are still clenching sporadically around the tentacle buried inside him, and when it shifts Tony moans weakly at the feeling of more cum spilling out of him.

His shirt is rucked up around his chest and clinging to him with sweat and water from Bucky’s skin, cum running down his skin and soaking into his sweats where they’re still trapped around his thighs.

Tony’s brain comes back online slowly, entirely too slowly, mostly because it tries to fuzz out all over again every time Bucky drags in a deep, steadying breath and his chest presses into Tony’s back, so much skin on skin.

Eventually though Tony’s head clears enough for something to occur to him, and he lets out a drawn out groan of complaint.

“I really hope everyone is still in the pool,” Tony whines, letting his head hang low again as he realizes he’s going to have to somehow get to his room like this. And he’s still a little breathless.

He really doesn’t want the ‘stop mentally scarring your teammates’ speech from Steve again. Or worse, Bruce.

Bucky hums, sounding wildly unconcerned with their possible upcoming lecture, and his limbs continue twitching and shifting against Tony’s skin like he’s not even aware that he’s doing it.

“My room isn’t far,” Bucky finally says, voice low and rough and lazy.

“My bathtub is bigger,” Tony argues, because his bathtub is practically a jacuzzi and it seems like a great way to both get clean and keep his dumb octopus-boyfriend from drying out.

If that even is a thing they need to worry about, who knows. None of his formulative years of internet scrolling had prepared him for that question, and Tony is still too orgasm-stupid to remember a damn thing about real, non-magical sea life right now.

“Yeah, but my room is closer,” Bucky points out, lips dragging along the curve of Tony’s shoulder again.

Tony considers that, along with the fact that his legs are still shaking uselessly and the fact that Bucky is still the only thing holding him up.

“We can make it work,” Tony says decisively.

He has to lean on Bucky pretty heavily on the shuffling walk to Bucky’s room, pretending to swat at Bucky’s tentacles when they inevitably wind around him again. At least the entire thing is free from pesky teammate witnesses.

Bucky’s bathtub is nowhere near as big at Tony’s, but it is still a pretty decent size. Because it’s not like Tony was going to cheap out on any of the rooms in the compound, after all.

It’s a bit of a squeeze, getting both of them and all of Bucky’s extra limbs into the water, but they make it work.

~~~

Tony wakes up the next morning completely wrapped in tentacles, nearly head to toe, and he can barely move a muscle. It’s kind of ridiculous how safe he feels.

A second later he wrinkles his nose and squints one eye open as he asks “What- is it humid in here?”

Because seriously, the air is thick with it, heavy and warm. The blankets are shoved down to the end of the bed and there’s already a thin sheen of sweat collecting on Tony’s skin, making it so easy for the tentacles to slide and stroke over his skin.

“So I don’t dry out,” Bucky says, fingers sliding through Tony’s hair and for a second Tony is tempted to forget all about his questions in favor of falling right back to sleep and maybe purring happily for good measure.

But he can’t resist asking “Wouldn’t it have been easier to just go hang out in the pool with everyone else? If they’re still there and equally fishy, of course.”

“Didn’t want to leave,” Bucky says and clings to him a little tighter, as if that’s a reasonable explanation for probably causing water damage to the inside of his room.

“I can’t believe this is even an option, FRIDAY has too much power,” Tony grumbles without an ounce of actual heat, his heart feeling as warm as the rest of him, like he’s melting in the heat of the room. Still, he can’t help pointing out “I hope you don’t have anything in here that’s going to be ruined.”

“Worth it,” Bucky says, happy and warm and completely unconcerned.

Tony hums thoughtfully, and finally makes a decision on that idea he’s been turning over in his head for a couple weeks now.

“Well,” he says slowly, “When this room inevitably grows black mold, I suppose you’ll just have to move in with me.”

For a second Bucky doesn’t respond, all of his tentacles freezing in the act of tracing over Tony’s skin and Tony desperately tries to tell himself that it’s fine. It’s fine, even if Bucky doesn’t want to share a room, they still basically live together already anyways, Bucky still loves him, probably—

“You mean it?” Bucky asks, sounding a little breathless, and when he props himself up on one elbow to look down at Tony the smile on his face is almost blindingly bright.

“Only because black mold is bad,” Tony says but the smile spreading across his own face is almost painfully wide.

Bucky nods with a thoughtful expression, like he’s giving Tony’s reasoning serious thought, and then says “FRIDAY, please crank the humidity.”

“FRI, don’t you dare,” Tony protests, although his attempts at a horrified tone are kind of ruined by his wide grin, “I already can’t breathe in here!”

“Humidity increased 3%,” FRIDAY says dryly and Bucky laughs while Tony gasps loudly in outrage. “Also, Agent Barton has asked me to inform you that you’re not invited to the pool party unless you, in his words, act like normal people.”

Bucky laughs harder while Tony groans loudly and slaps his hands over his eyes, face burning because yeah it’s probably pretty telling that they came home and then immediately disappeared for... twelve hours.

“I’m not going to be able to look any of them in the face for another month,” Tony whines, kicking his legs a little until Bucky’s many limbs shift and tighten around him, making his breath catch in his throat.

"Confirmed monster fucker," Bucky says and pats his hips with one tentacle, voice full of sympathy even though Tony can absolutely feel the way he’s still shaking with laughter.

"I hate you so much,” Tony says without moving his hand, although he can admit (to himself) that this one is entirely on him.

"Nah,” Bucky says, completely and endearingly unconcerned with Tony’s threats, “You love me, you want me to move in.”

"Offer rescinded,” Tony declares, peeking at Bucky from between his fingers before letting his hands fall back to the bed and instead fixing Bucky with a flat look as he adds, “You can just stay here in your moldy swamp room for all I care.”

"Too late for that darlin', you're stuck with me," Bucky says, smirking as he pops one of his suckers loudly against Tony’s skin and then grinning wider when Tony responds with a full-body shudder.

“Only because you’re so clingy,” Tony tries to complain, but it’s pretty unconvincing when his voice comes out a little breathy and he can’t help wrapping his own arms around Bucky in return.

“You love it,” Bucky says again, and Tony can only shrug sheepishly because yeah, he really kind of does.

“Fine,” Tony says with a heavy sigh as he pushes his fingers into Bucky’s hair and uses that grip to pull Bucky’s dumb smiling face up into kissing range, “You and your many limbs can move into my room. But the humidity isn’t invited.”

“Yay,” Bucky cheers quietly and then laughs when Tony huffs and bites at the curve of his jaw.

“Yeah yeah, stop being smug and kiss me already,” Tony grumbles even though he can’t stop himself from smiling either, heart jumping at the open joy on Bucky’s face, the way it practically makes his eyes shine.

“I can do both,” Bucky says, impossibly more smug, and then finally kisses Tony before he can say anything else.

Tony is all too happy to let himself sink into it, sighing softly as Bucky wraps around him tighter, kisses him deeper. The heat and humidity of the room means the drag of skin on skin is slick and easy as Bucky shifts against him, making him shiver at the drag and press of all that muscle, all those limbs.

“So, how long do you think this’ll actually last?” Tony asks between dizzying kisses, arching up into it as one of the tentacles slides over his hip, tantalizingly close to his cock.

“Hopefully long enough,” Bucky says with a smirk, and the tentacle wrapped around Tony’s thigh sides a little higher.

“Long enough for what?” Tony demands, faking horror even as a hard shudder runs through him, even though Bucky can no doubt feel it. Hell, Bucky can probably feel the way Tony’s breath catches and his heart starts beating double time in his chest.

Bucky smirks and makes a thoughtful noise, even though Tony is pretty sure he’s been up for at least an hour now thinking about it, and drags one tentacle along the crease of Tony’s thigh while another finally wraps around his cock.

“Long enough to get you spread out for me in this bed,” Bucky says, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead while Tony gasps and rocks his hips up into the touch, “All bare and stretched out and pinned down, long enough to see you lose yourself for me again, how does that sound babydoll?”

Tony can only whimper in response, try to clench his thighs shut just so he can feel the way the tentacles pull them open again. “Good, sounds good,” he pants out because fuck it, why lie, and Bucky is laughing as he leans in to kiss him again.

[since0202]

Chapter 9: Recognition

It took all of Grace’s strength not to drive down to the rez once she and Bella got back to the truck. 

“What the hell was that?” Bella said surprised. Grace focused her eyes on the road. “Hey are you okay?” Bella was softer this time. 

“Are you and Jake dating?” 

“What?” Bella said, taken aback. 

Grace didn’t say anything and just kept her eyes focused on the road. That wasn’t the question she had meant to ask. She just couldn’t stop thinking about how hot Jacob’s skin was and how quickly she needed to get home to call Sam. Jerking the wheel, she pulled them off on the side of the road. Bella lurched forward to steady herself with the dashboard. 

“I need to borrow your phone.” Grace turned to Bella and held her hand out. 

“Okay.” Bella said, her voice drew up at the end in question, “Grace what is going on?” 

Bella handed her phone over and Grace punched in Sam’s number. 

It rang twice before he answered. “Hello?” 

“Sam. It’s Jake.” 

“Is he-” 

“Yes, he’s on his way back now. You might want to intercept.” 

“Was he hot to the touch?”

“Sam.” Grace pleaded. She was losing her composure a little bit. 

“Okay. We’ll get him, don’t worry.” He hung up. 

She handed the phone back to Bella and put a hand over her eyes to try and stop the tears. But it wasn’t any use, something in her collapsed and she curled her body over the steering wheel and let out an immense rush of sobs. Her back heaved as she gasped for breath and felt a breaking in her like one she’d only ever experienced once before. Bella hurriedly scooted over the bench seat of the truck and wrapped her arms around Grace. Bewildered, she stroked her cousin’s hair and tried to calm her down. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay Grace. He’ll come back.” Bella whispered into her hair. 

Grace knew he would come back, he would just come back different, changed. In her time spent training with Sam, Paul, and Jared she saw and heard the turmoil, pain, and confusion they put their bodies and minds through. While it ran through their blood, Sam had made it clear: this wasn’t a choice, it was a necessity. 

Paul had been less forthcoming about it. He had finally found a useful outlet for his anger, pushing it in the ground and howling it out around him in a chase of scrap. But in his quieter moments, when Grace would sit next to him after a particularly grueling day, he would wrap his arm around her shoulder and give her a small sad smile and say, “At least we’ve got us.” 

Jared was a light, joking and keeping Grace up on her feet. But some days when he showed up at Emily’s or they went to pick him up from home, he would look disappointed, his face would look redder than usual and he’d pull Grace or Emily into a tight, wordless hug before Sam commanded him to follow. To which he’d swallow hard and follow suit. 

And when Quil had recently phased, Sam did him the kindness of letting him choose when he could make it to trainings and when he could not. Mostly he could not--still focusing on school, figuring out his new form, and coming to grips with the fact that he was a protector of his family and tribe in ways he never knew before. Sam would pull him in for light rounds, not wanting to dip him in too far too fast like he had with Jared and Paul in his immense loneliness. 

But for all that pain came the joy of binding to one another. Grace could see how at home they felt together and around her. How safe and loved that their brotherhood kept them. She would protect that at all costs. 

But now that Jacob was a part of this, Grace knew something would fundamentally change, not just in him but in everyone. A part of her wished for the short time she had spent with him laughing and studying for school, and the moment he kissed her head on the doorstep like he’d done it his whole life. 

“Let me drive.” Bella said calmly, shifting Grace out of the way. The whole ride home, Grace rested her head on the cool glass of the window and resolved to go to the rez first thing tomorrow morning. 

----

When Grace woke early right as the first light was creeping over the horizon. She shimmied into some dark wash jeans, a black tank top and a large, loose green cable knit sweater. She shoved her socked feet into her boots and pulled her wavey tangled hair up into a loose ponytail. At the  bottom of the stairs, she layered her blue raincoat under her puffy black winter jacket. The fog was not yet clearing as she dashed out the door and into the truck with only one thought in her mind. 

Jacob.

The 15 minute drive to the reservation was excruciating. She vowed to buy a cell phone this weekend so she could stay in contact with the pack. As she crossed the line into the reservation, a shiver ran down her. She felt warmth flood into her feet and a tingling sensation started to bloom in the back of her head, signaling a change had happened. 

She pulled into the familiar drive of Emily and Sam’s place as the fog started to burn off. She jogged to the front door and knocked a handful of times before pressing it open and hurtling in. Emily was stumbling down the steps of her and Sam’s bedroom, clearly woken from sleep. 

“Is Sam here?” Grace, wired, asked. 

“No, he hasn’t been home yet, come sit, I’ll make us some coffee,” she yawned. 

“It’s Jacob,” Grace said again, echoing her sentiment from last night. Emily nodded nonchalant. 

“Sam said he might be phasing soon. He could feel it,” Emily was clattering in the kitchen like it was any other morning. 

“What? He knew?!” She had told Sam how rocked she had felt about the potential of him phasing and he could feel her tension when it came to conversations of Jake. The pack seemed invested in him for some reason. But he had never alluded to any feeling he had had about Jacob phasing soon in their recent trainings. Emily looked at Grace confused, and then realized she had spilled something that maybe she wasn’t at liberty to share. 

“I’m sure they’ll be back soon Grace, come sit.” Emily pleaded. But Grace was already out the door and down into the truck. She gunned it toward Jacob’s house knowing full well he probably wouldn’t be there. 

When she pulled up, her mind took her back to when a long-haired Jacob came jogging around the side of the house, happy to see her. But now, the yard was quiet and the area surrounding it seemed void of those memories. 

When she knocked on the door, trying to wait patiently for Billy to open the door, she couldn’t help her eyes from scanning the tree line. 

By now, Sam must have sensed she was here. If they were still in their wolf forms, which she suspected they were by the familiar pull in her belly, she knew that Sam would have felt her as soon as she crossed onto the reservation.

Billy swung open the door and wheeled over the threshold with a smile on his face. 

“Wasn’t expecting you to be here.” he said, pleased. 

“Did Jake come home last night?” Grace forgoed with the pleasantries. Her mind was a one-track record at the moment playing the same name over in her head: Jacob, Jacob, where is Jacob? 

“Nooooo,” Billy replied, still pleased. It irked Grace. Of course he’d be pleased. Jake was fulfilling a destiny that Billy hadn’t or ever needed to. She could see the pride swelling in him. 

“Okay.” Grace gave a curt nod and turned back to her truck, then thought better of it and turned toward the tree line. She should have done this first thing, but a small part in her was hoping against hope that he had returned, safe and sound, without phasing. 

“I’m sure he’s alright, Grace! Sam’s got him.” Billy called after her. She gave a terse wave and pushed into the embrace of the trees. When she walked deep enough that she couldn’t see the clearing of Jacob’s home behind her, she stopped and closed her eyes taking a deep breath. 

The earth beneath her feet felt mangled and overturned. She tried to tune into her higher sense, focused her breath on locating the familiar padding of Sam, Jared, or Paul through the forest floor. The forest intensified in sound around her as she went searching, eyes closed, feet planted. Directly in front of her, she could clearly see the outline, almost glow of Sam’s prints. Flanking close behind were Jared and Paul’s, less pronounced but definitely there. 

Grace took a tentative, physical step forward and when she looked down, she could see sprinkles of light spilling out around her feet. That’s new. 

She opened her eyes and travelled further into the forest, keeping her ears tuned in for any sign of them. As she got deeper, the brush and fern growing thick under foot, she stopped again to make sure she was headed in the right direction. This time when she closed her eyes, a bright path skirted forward from unfamiliar pads. However, though they were new to her, they were brighter than either Sam, Jared, or Paul’s. The track was illuminated as if by bright glowing light underneath and shimmered in a deep gold. She knew who this was without having to feel it. 

And then, a familiar sensation, a breaking apart and coming together that she had not initiated. It was a call. She recast and without even knowing where she was going, she appeared in a small clearing. When she opened her eyes, the human forms of Sam, Jared, Paul, and Quil stood off to the right and somewhat behind her. Her eyes locked on Sam, breathless for a moment and then she felt a gaze pulling her forward. 

When she looked ahead, standing clear and tall in the patch of moss and dirt was Jacob. His chest exposed, she saw every line of his skin and his sinewy muscles heaved with exhaustion. His hair was sheared short to match the rest of the pack, but his warmth and presence radiated out from him. He stood firmly on the ground, fists clenched, but though he was obviously new to this and had had a rough night, Grace felt nothing but pure resolute power, confidence, and surety pulsing from him. 

When their eyes locked, Grace couldn’t breathe for a moment. That rising rumbling that she had felt when she first encountered Edward crescendoed around her. Waves crashing against each other, pushing and pulling out to sea. 

A huge ripple puddled out from her feet and pulsed quickly out across the forest floor like a radar signal. Her return to Jake’s call. Behind her, she heard Jared exclaim “What the hell was that?!” 

Jacob was looking at her so fiercely with such wanton recognition. The pull in her belly intensified in a way she had never felt before. The world was around her but ended with Jacob. And she made a choice. She sprinted toward him and crashed into his arms. 

He let out a groaning “Oh,” as he wrapped his arms tightly around her as if something in him was satiated when she was pressed against him. Her head only came up to his shoulder and he bowed his head to bury his face in her hair. 

All too quickly, a realization swept through the both of them—I know this person and this person knows me, now and before and beyond. Two kindred spirits that had always been intertwined by destiny but had recently come back together. Grace had never felt such pleasure and sureness rippling through her entire being than she did right now. And as a welcomed confirmation, Jake whispered in her ear between heavy labored breaths: 

“It’s you.” 

[tossawary]

(LMY anon) Ahh I just saw your character notes for LMY. Thank you, that's very helpful! You're right that it feels insulting to LQQ to make LMY too emotionally intelligent, esp considering we have canonical evidence that she's also a weirdo. Even if it's a non-transmigrator AU, I feel like the only way I can even begin to understand her character is through the lens of a fangirl. The concept of writing RPF for a teacher+an ex-classmate who actually tried to end the world is a new level for me

I don’t even understand or like RPF on the normal level, personally. I mean, RPF fans, you do you! I vaguely comprehend the concept of treating celebrities presented/public personalities as characters, but I’m not personally comfortable with it. So that was one of my biggest obstacles when writing Liu Mingyan, like... this woman is in-a-different-universe-to-me-brained. 

This was more or less my thought process, like, how I personally worked out better understanding Liu Mingyan’s situation: 

(TL;DR: It’s easier to think of Liu Mingyan as a bard.) 

So that was one of my biggest obstacles when writing Liu Mingyan, like... this woman is in-a-different-universe-to-me-brained.

But, at the same time, I don’t get the same squick with fiction surrounding historical figures. I mean, I do sometimes, but the distance of time makes it easier. I’m also fine (most of the time) with stories inspired by a true story. A lot of fiction is based on real events! Authors draw from real life! I don’t really watch Hollywood movies based on modern events and human interest stories which go viral, but they’re definitely a thing and they’re basically RPF. People like Real Person Fiction and Real Person Non-Fiction. 

And, like, okay, this world doesn’t have the same overwhelming variety of content that our modern world has. Unclear on whether or not there’s widespread literacy or printing presses, but it sounds like most stories are going to come from storytellers and singers and other performers. Many of these performances are going to draw on historical and recent events, especially because it’s unclear how news might be otherwise spread. Look at what a huge industry just plain gossip is in our modern world! People need to be entertained and singing for your supper is an okay gig. 

I need to stop thinking in terms of Modern RPF as I know it on AO3 and start thinking more in terms of bards.* Liu Mingyan is perhaps more like an artist meeting a journalist (or a publicist or a historian) than a modern fanfiction writer. Or like any playwright writing an embellished history for a ruler (except she did it on her own). Is a bard or storyteller hired to write something putting history in a specific light not essentially a historical paid publicist? 

Except Liu Mingyan is doing it for her own benefit. And I would still personally call it fanfiction even if in this case it’s a for-profit adaptation. 

*(I should probably better research Chinese historical forms of performance and spreading news, but SVSSS allows me to be lazy and hand-wavey about it. Thanks, Airplane.) 

So, for me, I’m picturing Liu Mingyan and her friends are just a step to the left of historical reenactment meeting gossip meeting music/poetry/songwriting practice that got really out of hand. Friends can be terrible enablers sometimes, right? Then, bam! Real Person Fiction that people found compelling and spread like wildfire. All of the people involves are celebrities / political figures whose movements matter to the common people, and they don’t have news sites or social media sites for Keepin’ Up with the Cultivators. 

I mean, it’s funny to think about it in terms of RPF and fanfiction as we know it, so I absolutely do. I think she’s a bit of a fangirl, yes! I relate to that! (But am I reducing her to “just a Modern BL fangirl” because she’s a woman writing romance and I’m looking at it from a modern fanfic author’s lens and not taking the situational context into account? She’s a BL fangirl with potentially significant societal impact. She’s not out of place in the world she lives in.) 

Adaptation is pervasive throughout society and goes beyond fanfiction and fanart as we know it in what we call “Fandom”. Journalism is arguably non-fiction adaptation! Historians adapt the world around them to record it for future generations. Music can be an adaptation of people’s life’s experiences! People put on plays about other people’s stories they’ve witnessed. There are places in the world (our world) were the line between fiction and non-fiction blurs. And truly being objective is impossible when people’s creations are filtered through the lens of their own perspective, whether they’re writing a news article or a novel. So, like, there are types of adaptational fiction that society is willing to slap a “official” label on and this is one of those cases. 

I mean, it’s still weird behavior in my eyes! It’s invasive! Liu Mingyan didn’t do this as journalist or a historian; she did this for her own entertainment and maybe for any potential money, and I would still totally call it fanfiction. Shen Yuan is reasonably mortified that someone has made something of his life! And misinformation can be extremely damaging to someone’s personal life and dangerous politically and I don’t know if she took that into account!  

But, yeah. Liu Mingyan = on a similar boat to Jaskier from The Witcher. (Who is, I say affectionately, also a weirdo and could be called a fanboy.) Except she’s also a bit more repressed like Liu Qingge. It’s easier for me personally to understand the RPF angle if I attempt to understand the potential for RPF as it exists in her world, not as it exists in mine. 

[nsfwlost]

ante

1451 words.

Sujeong’s pigtails make such wonderful reigns.

She digs her hands into your thighs as you pull her throat down on the full of me. irrespective of how hard or how briskly -- she never gagged. She takes it without becoming upset, egging me on after I ease up and laughing if I wear before she does.

Sujeong pushed herself forward and using her lips and tongue to tease the pinnacle of your cock thereupon divine mouth of hers. Her little pink muscle flicked, pushed about. Her muffled moans of contentment echoed round the first few inches of your manhood until her nose pressed down against my groin. She was diligently trained, sliding her head back and forth sort of a sled on a winters night once I held her pigtails like rails. Using her hair to force her forward and back in rapid succession, pushing her midway down my cock before dragging her back.

God, the noises she made were too heavenly. The immodest sounds she unfettered as she got tugged down and therefore the growls when pulling her duplicate.

Her fingers went back towards my thighs. When she moved them to your balls to start fondling them you could not help but released a chronic moan that was didn't get contained. She pulled your cock out of her tiny mouth, letting my cock slap against her face with all its drool and saliva while she went towards the dual sac to administer it some loving. Her eyes show it, the limited victories she managed for herself when she made you weak and vulnerable. I begged for patience and strength because the insatiable sounds of her groans increased. Closing your eyes and posing for solace. Diverting the eye far from the matter at hand once you were tiptoeing on the sting.

Fingers pressed down into my flesh, unable to require it anymore. Finding the rear of her head and pushing down as you thrusted myself upwards. some dozen more thrusts until you were at wits' end. Eyesight foggy and much away as she pulled back her head. Hands failing to stay her controlled and pinned.

The first two spurts fall in her mouth, small goops of hot white gunk painting on her face because the next one hits her square within the face. Giggling along with her husky voice and a "baby" elicited out from her throat as if this is often what she wanted right along.

I was too tired to combat her in additional, she fully takes control of the night and has her own way. She kept you hard. Her lips and tongue massaging and licking me all the way down to the tip and keep a copy again. Bed appeared like heaven to only pass out, but too secluded. But pride kept you going. Egotism. A measly little contest between the 2 of you.

"I thought you'll go longer?" She gave a giant puckered kiss to the tip of your cock before rising and sliding across the space.

Taking a flash before your eyes could open, and that i wish I didn't. The loose tie she had on and also the oversized coat the fit so well on her body. The knee-high socks and short plaid skirt. Just the sight of how she dressed made my cock twitch and also the movement made it ache.

Silence filled the air as you could not find the words to mention when she took a sip of water to relax her jaw after the long minutes of fellatio.

"Still pretty impressive at how long you lasted. it is not something everybody can do."

She shot back the remainder of the water and palced the empty cup on the desk before moving back to you. Spreadfing her legs and straddling your lap. "The bet was that you simply could last over my girlfriends, not other men." She flicked the pinnacle of my cock in an exceedingly playful gesture along with her hand and stroking your cheek with the opposite in an exceedingly feigned sympathetic look.

"Nothing to be ashamed about, baby." Her flick became a makeshift handjob, a complimentary hard grind to strike a cord in me how tight that pussy is. "Maybe its time to call it an evening."

Your body was held against the couch. To her you were naught, a sea of sweat pooled down my pores, tangled hair and a face filled with distortion. Only speaking move into moans as she made you're feeling on bliss. You've said not a word, grinding your body during a wavey motion to induce more of her digits as my moans trickled go in bits and pieces, choosing when your next orgasm was because of being the one to falter on the bet.

The two hands of yours went around to her slim body. Lowering them on her waists and towards her ass. the facility of its courses to my fingertips as they gripped hard on her ass upon a lift of her skirt. Guiding and directing your manhood towards her orifice. You heard a sly giggle escape her teeth because the warmth from her hand on your cock dissipated. Both hands on your shoulders now as a gulp of saliva slicked down your throat.

Unable to contain myself, you thrusted upwards into her hole without heeding any warning. even as you'd to her mouth and paying little to no regard. A loud moan escaped the red-heads mouth as she dipped her head towards the Crane of your neck. Her steaming entrance as she descended felt so tight and gyrating her hips in a very circle. As she moved, the sides of her plaid skirt caressed my naked torso and thighs. Sujeong was riding atop me, sort of a soft marshmallow that made itself known on a campfire night. Deep, warm, and extremely wet. My cock was well-nigh sucked inside. Her pussy felt so warm, enveloping over me. Drawing me in and sticking to me sort of a leech. Feeling such as you were getting ready to burst wide open, a far off sensation. Something that went beyond simple pleasure. It felt sort of a special connection was made, and you were just getting down to work your way slowly through the organ into yourself.

You couldn't get enough of her. i used to be so tired and had little care. I loved the ache, you wanted more of her in you. Her tight walls squeezing you extra in deeper and deeper. I held her by the waist and pulled her in as pre-cum leaked out of your slit and giving her a thrust to recollect. There was without stopping thereto. Back and forth, up and down. Slowly yet surely as you made bound to scrape her insides and use the tip of your bulbous groin to analyze every inch and centimeter; marking the territory as your own.

I drove myself harder into her, ensuring the sounds of skin slapping echoed within the room as she kept whining with pleasure. Body tightening, her fingers clawing against the rear of your taut muscles. A scream of her name transpire as you kept on.

You were almost there.

Your words became spliced, unable to talk out corrently and only in incoherent growls and other animalistic sounds. Ears perking up to the sounds of squelching and also the couch squeaking from underneath. The wooden material of the ground creaking every now and again with how intense things were. My hair subdued the vision when peering down at her.

"Baby, please, please--" Her lips touched mine.

And as if she was kissing me, you treated her body with the utmost care. Strong and delicate hands caressed her spine and her ass. Lips slowly thrusting into her mouth and meeting within the middle. A tango requires two and you had your partner in crime.Gentle, not frightening. Knowing exactly what she liked. Panting hard. Something was visiting erupt soon. Slowly, rhythmic, gentle movements to complete things off. You both were able to cum. Then the knot formed in my stomach. Like butter on a hot pan, my voice raised. Reaching my peak as you bursted within her. Her walls tightened like no other, body shaking as Sujeong was catching her breath. Wind knocked out of her system and her eyes shut tight when her head was pushed forward for a sloppier, messier kiss.

It was as if everything that happened earlier during the blowjob was out of sight. Nothing happened within the first 10 minutes of their skinship. More cum leaking out as my cock twitched about. My juices and her mixed into one being like yin and yang. Body leaning back against the softness of the couch as lips broke into their own being on their own person. Small pieces of translucent saliva barely being seen but able to make shape out of.

Fatigue and dizziness overwhelmed me, panting and breathing filling the air in concert of my hands moved up towards her nape. Giving it atiny low caress and some pats. Silence filling the air as my lips brought back off towards her face for a kiss. Brushing her ginger locks to the side to urge a glimpse of her disheveled face. A soft smile came onto your own before leaning sure an eskimo kiss.

[sol1056]

hey! i noticed that you’ve written a lot about how voltron fails as a mecha series, and it got me curious about what a GOOD mecha series looks like. do you have any recs for someone whose only experience with the genre, quite literally, is voltron?

note: that is NOT where I wanted the cut. who knows what the devs are doing over there at tumblr hq.

-----

Welp, there’s more than one kind of mecha. There’s super robots -- where (in general) the robots are ultra-powered and relatively indestructible. Then there’s real robots, which will break down and/or run out of ammunition at the most dramatically critical moments. And then there’s a category that at best might be nearly-sentient robots, which have minds and motivations of their own -- but I wouldn’t say that’s a true category (in terms of the genre) so much as a distinction I've noted.

I’ve never been big into the super robot series (with a few exceptions), and I mostly find the combining robot genre to be frustrating. Former mechanic and engineer who currently works with AI, so a lot of the hand-wavey aspects are frustrating for me, especially in super robots where things mysteriously repair themselves and there’s never a struggle to upgrade/repair. (And don’t even get me started on the idea of controlling a bipedal reactive machine with only two foot pedals and a damn joystick.)

Which is all to say, I suppose I should recommend that you watch the classics, except I’m not really sure what they are because I’ve forgotten most of them. And frankly a lot of them are really shoddy animation by today’s standards, and life is too short to waste time on that. I’ll need to refer you along to other mecha fans to add their recommendations, instead.

Well, I can at least recommend Gundam and Macross, but that’s kind of like saying I recommend Doc Martens and Aididas -- that barely narrows it down, since there’s so many options within each brand. Everyone’s got their favorites in each, as do I, but any mecha series that’s stayed with me is one that found a way to either twist the core trope, or explored implications that other series glossed over.

Note: I’ve never seen any version of Eva, and never felt the urge to, either. Sorry. Ask someone else for input on that. Plus there’s also ones I’ll leave off here ‘cause they’re veering over into AI/robots/tech and less what would usually be called mecha, but they’re still worthwhile: Battle Fairy Yukikaze, Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex, Broken Blade, Last Exile, and Voices of a Distant Star all come to mind.

Gundam

For me, I adore the technical geeky touches in Gundam F91, but the story is total spaghetti, so you might want to skip that until you’re more familiar with the gundam tropes. (It was meant to be a series, iirc, got shut down, and they took the pieces and made a movie from it, so it’s... kind of compressed, to put it mildly). 

Gundam Wing and Gundam 00 are considerably less geeky on the technical (though they do satisfy the mechanic itch, with a bit more real robot, at least on the technicalities). I like the international core cast, and the way each series explores geopolitical dynamics. (That said, skip the second season of Gundam 00. It just goes totally off the rails into some really wild and wacky directions.)

A long-running concept like Gundam is recognizable across the series thanks to core concepts, and in Gundam’s case it’s the conflicts between imperialism and colonialism, war versus justified rebellion, and pacifism versus a first-strike as self-defense. What I liked with Wing and 00, in particular, was its central pilots felt more tied to (and aware of) the political ramifications of their actions.

I did watch about half of Iron-Blooded Orphans, which struck out in a new direction by having Mars as the colony instead of the lagrange points, but didn’t bother finishing. From what I hear, watch it with a box of tissues, as it’s a return to the classic kill-em-all perspective of the original Gundam series.

Macross

I’m sure someone else will tell you to watch the original Macross (the american version being Robotech, albeit highly edited). I know lots of people adore the first Macross series, but it’s just too late-80s for me. (The hair, my god, the hair.)

Personally, I prefer Macross Frontier -- the amination is much improved, though the fact is I also adore the voices of Yuuichi Nakamura and Aya Endō. Macross has some politics, but it’s mostly internal -- that is, the opponents aren’t human, so whatever debate there is about who’s right or wrong is mostly one-sided, since we only ever see humans doing the talking.

I tried to watch Macross Delta but it just didn’t do it for me -- and therein lies some of the issues (for me) with both Gundam and Macross. Because both have some core elements that they tackle in every series, it can start to feel a bit repetitive.

For Macross it’s always music, Valkyries (the mecha type for Macross), and a love triangle -- which sometimes isn’t even resolved. (I’ve read all kinds of debates about whether Alto ends up with Sheryl or with Ranka, but the series leaves it open.)

A good writer can explore these themes over and over, but between the two, I personally think Gundam has done a bit better of pivoting to take a new angle with each series. But at the same time, Gundam is pretty consistent about not building on a previous series -- with a few notable exceptions, most of its series are alternate-universe stories to each other. In Macross, they’re all continuations of the previous -- so if you’re not into its setup about aliens and weird diseases and whatnot, you’re only going to get more of the same in the next series.

Everything else

So here’s the series I like, but I’m not sure all of these would be counted as ‘true’ mecha by other fans (a debate I mostly ignore, so I’ll leave it to others to argue about that).

Escaflowne -- one of the rare breed of fantasy-styled mecha (Broken Blade being another one that comes to mind). The animation is strongly 80s, but the voice acting is superb, the story (originally meant to be longer, then budget cuts forced a much longer story to squeeze into half the episodes it really deserved).

[It’s also a series I’d call a harbinger, similar to tripping over little-known movies from twenty years ago and realizing every single actor including walk-on parts went on to be massive names. Escaflowne’s got that, but that also extends to its animation team, its director, its composer, on and on. All of them went onto work on some of the greatest hits of anime. That makes Escaflowne immensely (if quietly and somewhat subtly) influential, both for the genre and animation overall.]

Eureka Seven -- another not-on-Earth story. At first the mecha movement -- almost like surfing in the sky -- was odd, but they took some interesting physics concepts and made them not just worldbuilding, but integral parts of the story. Okay, I’m not keen on how the female lead gets successively down-graded as the hero ramps up, but there are some emotional implications of Massive Destructive Machines where Eureka Seven lingers that a lot of other series gloss over.

Fafner in the Azure -- another aliens-against-humans, but first off, I’m gonna say it: you either love Hisashi Hirai‘s character designs or you want to torch them with total prejudice. If you can get past that, Fafner is brutal to its characters well beyond most other series, excepting the earliest Gundams. Although (of course) the pilots are all kids, there are in-story reasons, and there are still adults running the show. And there are consequences, small and large.

Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion -- because what would life be if we didn’t have at least one mecha series with character designs from CLAMP. (Which, admittedly, I loathe, but somehow it worked here.) Can’t speak for the second season, but the first season played up something a lot of mecha bypass for just plain banging on each other, which is strategy. It caught me at the time, at least.

Full Metal Panic -- watch this after watching Gundam Wing and/or Gundam 00, to get the tropes they’re playing on with Sousuke Sagara (the ostensible protagonist who just cannot seem to relate to real human beings). I saw one description of him as “about as well-adjusted as a feral child” and that kinda fits. It’s more real robots, and of course parts require some hardcore suspension of disbelief (the commanding officer who looks 14, sounds like she’s 12, and has boobs that never occur in nature on a frame that teeny). But all told, a lot of fun and plenty of explosions.

RahXephon -- this is another oddball one, because the mecha aren’t mecha, they’re golems (as in, creatures made from clay). For all that, there’s a lot of significant mecha influence and tropes at work. It’s held up pretty well, animation-wise, considering its age (from 2002). and while it’s the same ‘strange aliens attack earth’ plotline, it spins all that off in a completely different direction.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann (aka Gurren Lagann) -- don’t watch this one until you’ve seen plenty of others, though, because it’s a fondly affectionate send-up of nearly every possible trope from combining to super to real robots. Cranked up to eleven.

Knights of Sidonia -- of all the ones on this list, KoS is possibly my most favorite. It was an early all-CGI series, and a lot of people were turned off by that, but once you get used to it, the story can carry you along. Like Macross Frontier, it takes place in deep space, where a colony of humans fight for survival with an incomprehensible (and nearly unstoppable) alien foe. But KoS is true science fiction, with a lot of solid science driving its dramatic points. Also--unlike most of the others series--although the characters are technically human, they’ve also evolved as a result of their time in space. For one, they have three genders, for another, they don’t eat; they photosynthesize.

[carl-grimxz]

Confused Feelings- Part 3

Carl Grimes x Reader

Part 3

Summary: The group move on from the barn in search for somewhere permanent. Y/N wants to resolve things with Carl desperately but knowing what she knows about Carls feelings and her own... Can it be that easy?

Word Count: 4,052 (sorry they are getting longer and longer haha)

Warnings: None again yay :D

A/N: Part 3, woohoo! I have no idea whether anyone is actually enjoying reading this series but I’m really liking writing it so it’s cool haha! Things are starting to move along at a quicker pace for Carl and Y/N now but I still want to make it realistic. I mean you would have your doubts in that world and nothing ever happens over night :) Anyway I hope you like it!

“Alright then!”, Rick began as we were all finishing up with breakfast. Well… if tiny amounts of leftover canned peaches counts as breakfast. 

“We’ve all had a chance to rest and recharge. Let’s pack up and head on out. I wanna get goin’ and find somewhere that can be permanent for us…”, he paused looking down at the ground, then back up, “I know we can find somewhere. We have to”. 

“And we will.” Michonne added, standing up and placing a hand on his shoulder.

It wasn’t long before we were all packed up and ready to leave. We didn’t exactly have much to pack up. Most of us were near the entrance waiting for Rick to give us an idea of which way we were headed. Some of the others were talking about what they hope to find up north but I wasn’t really getting involved in the conversation. These days I find it hard to believe that we’ll find anywhere suitable enough to call home. 

I hadn’t spoken to Sasha since last night yet but we smiled at each other over breakfast and that told me that we were ok. While I stood here staring at my feet, and then occasionally around at the others, I also thought about the fact that I still hadn’t spoken to Carl either. I feel a conversation is inevitable. I don’t particularly know what to say anymore, after what Michonne told me. Also after my revelation that I am in fact starting to like him back. It’s gonna be hard to act normal around him. Plus he doesn’t know that I know. That makes it even harder.

Just as my anxiety around the matter was starting to snowball, footsteps coming towards me brought me back to reality. As I look up a slight feeling of confusion and dread washes over me. From the boots, up to the scruffy beard and greying mass of wavey hair I took in Ricks form. Why had he approached me? We barely ever talk one on one.

“Hey Y/N. How’s it goin’?” He seemed in a fairly cheery mood. 

“Uh good thanks, Rick. You?”

“Yeah yeah, just fine”, Rick smiled down at me, “I jus’ wanted to check in on ya. I noticed you’ve been quiet these past few days… I haven’t seen you talk to Carl much. You two ok?”

I didn’t even realise he payed attention to things like that. You know, he’s always so focused on the group as a whole, planning our next move and keeping us safe. I’m surprised he notices me. But what do I even say to this?

“Oh… yeah. I wanted to talk to him today. I’ve just been feeling pretty exhausted by everything recently, you know?”, no way was I involving Rick in this.

“Yeah… I get that. As long as you’re ok”, he awkwardly rested his hand on my shoulder. He’s a good man, Rick. I always thought that.

I nodded and we exchanged smiles. He then went towards the door, grabbing the map from Abraham on the way. 

“Ok. Let’s head off”. With that we all followed Rick out the door and left the cabin and the sweet flowers that encased it behind us.

The plan, as far as I could understand was to follow one of the main roads north for around 20 miles and then find somewhere safe to turn in for the night again. It’ll be a tough day but most of the group really believes it will be worth it if we find somewhere permanent. 

We were walking through the same patch of woods that we had passed through yesterday, on our way back to the main road. Everyone was on higher alert when going through the woods. Both walkers and people that could harm us are hidden way easier in amongst all the trees. 

I scanned through the trees as I walked, hand on my gun, like most of the group. We were pretty much silent, except for the sound of our shoes scuffing leaves and crushing twigs. Of course there was Judith as well. I can often hear her babbling and making typical baby noises. She was being held by Carl a few paces in front. Judith never really cried when Carl had her. She really loved him. 

We only encountered one lone walker while in the woods. It was no big deal though. Daryl sent an arrow through it’s eye so quick that I only noticed it was there at all when I heard it hit the ground. That’s probably for the best. Ever since my close encounter I’ve been sort of scared of them. I was never too bothered before. I’ve always accepted that they were a threat and had to be taken care of, it was as simple as that. Now however, I feel like I’d freeze up completely if left to defend myself against one alone again. It’s times like this that I’m grateful to be in a group with such strong fighters. I can physically defend myself fine but… I don’t think I’d be up to it yet.

I felt slightly relieved when we came out onto the main road again. I like being able to see around me, and know that there is no imminent threat of being devoured by one of those things. Although they’re never far away. I know that.

I’ve been walking besides Glenn and Maggie in silence for the most part. There was occasional small talk, nothing interesting.

Carl was still just ahead of us, and during this walk I had done a lot of thinking. I think he knows that I know about how he supposedly feels for me… and I think that’s why he hasn’t approached me yet today. I mean, last night he wanted to talk and so I planned to just wait till he comes to me, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen anytime soon. I just want this to all be over with. I miss having him as my best friend.

I watch him from behind and notice that he seems to be struggling with holding Judith now. She is getting heavier after all, and he has been holding her for a while. He kept switching her from one hip to the other. If I’m completely honest he looked kind of sweet holding her. She meant so much to him. I’ll never forget the look on his face when we found her again after Terminus. Thank god for Carol. 

This could be my chance to break the ice. The longer we leave it, the more awkward it’s likely to get.

I quickened my pace into a half jog to catch up with him. When I did, I gently brought my hand to gently rest on his left arm briefly to get his attention. He quickly looked round at me, startled.

“Hey, Carl”

“Oh. Hey”, I don’t think he expected it to be me stood at his side all of a sudden.

“You uh, want me to take her for a bit?”, I could see he was having difficulty.

“Nah it’s fine, thanks though” This boy… I forget how he hates to accept help. So stubborn. I think he gets that from his dad.

“C’mon Carl, I can see you’re struggling. Just let me have her for a bit.”

He looked me in the eye, clearly deciding whether or not to take me up on my offer.

I smiled and exhaled through my nose. “I promise I’ll give her back when she gets too heavy”.

Then his own mouth curved up at the corners. At this I noticed how long it had been since he’d given me a genuinely heartfelt smile and I was relieved to see one now. I’d missed that a lot. 

“Ok, thanks, Y/N. She is getting pretty heavy now”, he said, handing her over.

Judith cooed at me as I placed her on my left hip. Her fingers went straight to my hair, gently playing with it. She always did that. I have the longest hair out of all of us. That must be why. I laughed at her and she grinned back at me. She really is so cute.

After laughing with her, I turned round to look up at Carl and he was watching us both, looking reasonably at ease. We exchanged what I can only describe as a sad smile. For a moment I had forgotten about our tricky situation, distracted by Judith. After what seemed like a painfully long awkward silence he spoke up.

“I think we really need to talk, Y/N” He sighed

“Yeah… I think you’re right.”

I had already decided to play ignorance with Carl. You know, pretend I didn’t know anything about him liking me as more than a friend. It will be easier that way, but also... I’m not even sure if I completely believe that he does. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Well if it is true, he’s good at keeping it a secret. Better than I probably will be anyway. I mean, besides avoiding me he doesn’t seem much different. I could just be oblivious I guess. I’m not used to this shit.

“It seems like ages ago we last talked... How was it only yesterday?” He had a fair point.

“Probably cause we normally talk like all day everyday...” 

That came out as a bit of a dig. Like I was blaming him. I mean that kind of is true, but that’s not how I meant it to sound.

I’m too abrupt sometimes. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I have no filter but I just don’t always realise how things come out until it’s too late. It has a funny affect on Carl though. He never quite knows what to say back but he’s aware I don’t sound so confrontational on purpose. He’s told me before that he likes the honesty. Not enough people are so upfront with him.

I chuckled to brake the awkward tension. “It’s just, you know... it’s been weir-“

“I’m sorry Y/N”, he broke in. He uttered it so softly that I had to turn to look at him. For a second it sounded like he was crying. 

He’s only cried twice in front of me. After the prison, when he thought he lost Judith, and just before Terminus when these guys that Daryl was tagging along with tried to hurt him. Hurt him in the most unthinkable way. It simultaneously makes my blood boil and breaks my heart just thinking about it. Before then I had never really felt that kind of  pain. Pain that wasn’t even mine to feel. 

Anyway Carl wasn’t crying. He just seemed sad. Sort of sheepish as well, from the look on his face.

Judith fidgeted on my hip and I brought her round to my front instead, in case she was getting uncomfortable. She unintentionally brought me back out of my thoughts and that urged me to say something. I didn’t want him to feel bad or like I was pissed at him and blamed him for all of this. That wasn’t the case at all. Maybe at first, but not now.

“It’s ok Carl, honestly” I voiced truthfully.

“No it isn’t. I haven’t been a very good friend to you, and I’m sorry. Seriously, I mean that.”

Carl sounded so sincere. He really is sorry for how it’s been between us. He still hasn’t given me much of a detailed explanation as to why, but I guess I already secretly know why... so he doesn’t have to. I won’t confront him with it. He’s entitled to have his secrets. I don’t really want to talk about it anyway. 

It would only confuse my own feelings. I already know how it has to be. What we can’t be.

“Listen can we just... move on? Go back to normal? I kind of miss you Carl.” 

I looked down as we continued to walk. Somehow I was nervous about what he’d say next.

He sighed, and then I looked up at his blue eyes, which were kind of unreadable. 

He then focused his gaze into my own eyes for a brief moment... and all of a sudden the corners of his lips curved upward deeply, smiling so much that his eyes even began to crinkle.

That made me feel odd. Like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. He’s smiled at me plenty of times before. This one though, made me feel different. It felt like a rush of energy the second his eyes met mine. 

Like butterflies.

It is now that I realise... this may be harder than I thought.

“Yeah I’d like that” he said, nodding his head slightly. “I’ve missed you too.”

-

It had been a long day of walking, but to be honest, Carl and I were back to normal and talking again which for me made this a really good day. 

We were exhausted though. I don’t think I have it in me to keep going much further and I wasn’t the only one. 

“How much further before we call it quits for today Rick?”, Carol called up front.

“Hmm”, I saw him scratch at his beard. “Well I guess we should stop soon. It’ll be gettin’ dark before we know it…”

Rick peered right over into the distance, as if looking for a sign of somewhere to stop.

He sighed. “As soon as we find somewhere that looks safe enough for the night, we’ll stop.”

“God knows how long that could take”, Tyreese pointed out. 

“Yeaah” Rick agreed, dragging out the word in his signature southern twang. “We could definitely do with some luck being thrown our way.”

Nobody else said anything. We were starting to get a little too used to having days like this.

-

We were a couple more miles down, when Maggie caught everyones attention.

“Oh ma god!” She exclaimed, amazed. 

My eyes shot up, shocked by her tone.

“Look!” She pointed ahead into the distance.

“Look, right over there. I think it’s some sorta truck. An RV maybe!” She looked round at us all, waiting for us to see what she saw.

Sure enough. Way into the distance I spotted it. Too far away to tell exactly what it was but a large vehicle, for sure. 

“Let’s go.” Rick took off in a jog, and we all followed suit. I was glad that I didn’t have Judith right now. She is heavy enough while walking, let alone running. I’m sure Tyreese can handle that though.

We were all out of breath when we caught up to it, weapons at the ready, but there it was. Just laying there along the side of the road was an abandoned RV. It looked like it had seen better days, but this is the most hopeful thing to happen to us since we found the cabin yesterday.

Rick told us to wait back a bit, while he and Daryl made sure it was clear inside. Moments later, they came out looking fairly optimistic.

“It’s clear. We just need to see if we can get it workin’”

Most of us just sat to the side and waited while Rick, Abraham, Sasha and Glenn took a closer look at it. They seemed to be the most competent with this kinda stuff than the rest of us.

I sat on the ground, at the edge of the road next to Carl in a comfortable silence, much more relaxed than I have been around him of late. He was drawing random shapes in the dust with his finger while I watched them at the RV. 

I could tell every one of us wanted this to work out so badly. Spending all day walking and sleeping in unsafe conditions at night is starting to get really tiring. If we can get this thing to work then we’ll be on our way to finding a home a hell of a lot faster. 

What felt like only a few minutes later, our attention was on Rick again.

“So good news! We don’t know how or why it’s happened, but it’s fine. Absolutely fine. Someone must have just left it here, in a hurry. Engine is ok and there’s enough gas to get us a little while away at least. A lot better than walkin’ anyway! We must have luck on our side, afterall!” Rick grinned as he spoke. Something you don’t see often.

There were sounds of elation coming from all of us, and I sighed in relief. I looked to Carl and he was already smiling at me, looking just as pleased as I felt. 

“I feel like this is too good to be true” Carol admitted, laughing.

“Yeah let’s get going before our luck falls flat and this plan a’ ours goes to shit somehow!” Abraham announced matter-of-factly.

It wasn’t often that we caught a break like this, to say the least.

Within a matter of seconds we were in the RV and hurtling down the road in hopes of finding a place to rest at least. Or if we’re fortunate, somewhere more permanent.

-

I was sat next to Carl at the back, facing the rear window and watching behind us as we sped away.

“It’s been a good day” He spoke up, snapping me out of my trance.

“Yeah”, without thinking I turned towards him, giving Carl my full attention rather than daydreaming. I felt the corner of my lips move up into a smile. “It actually has.”

He watched the space in front of him, seemingly looking at nothing in particular.

A couple minutes went by and I had the urge to do something. I didn’t want to, in fear that it would complicate my head even more than it was, but I decided that I’d do it anyway. 

I shuffled my body closer to Carl, and very slowly allowed my head to fall down and rest on his shoulder. He tensed up for a split second, and then relaxed. I sighed. I don’t know why I’m doing this. But for once I didn’t want to overthink my actions. I wanted to do it. So I did. We’ve never done this before, but it feels… right. Comfortable. 

Carl didn’t say anything. I took that as a sign that he was ok with it.

I kept my head still but slowly flicked my eyes up, feeling like someone was watching. Straight away I see Michonne watching us, smirking. I rolled my eyes at her and she winked looking away, presumably not wanting to embarrass me, or Carl for that matter. Although, I was sure he was looking down towards our feet unaware anyway. 

Then I was shocked by what he did next. He rested his own head on top of mine and a wave of contentment rushed over me. Even though I wanted to be his friend and nothing more, I found myself wanting Carls comfort and attention. 

I really wish I didn’t… but I like being close to him, and the longer I am, the harder I find it to pull myself away.

-

Later I wake up to the RV coming to a stop. I hadn’t even realised I fell asleep, until this very moment. 

I lifted my head up off of Carl’s shoulder and looked at him, about to apologise for trapping him beneath me while I slept. However, it seems he was in the process of waking up too.

Carl sat up straight and fixed his messy hair awkwardly. He must feel just as flustered about this as I did. His eyes met mine and he gave me an embarrassed sort of half-smile.

“Sorry”, I apologised “I didn’t realise I was so exhausted”.

“It’s ok”, he placed his hat back upon his head “Me too.”

I gave an awkward laugh and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear after realising that mine was a little messy as well.

“How come we stopped?” Carl asked a little louder, directing it to Michonne who was still sat opposite us. He gazed curiously outside the windows, which caused me to do the same. Although not much can be seen as it’s starting to get darker now.

“We think there may be a place we can stay a little way up ahead. Looks like a farm. Your dad is gonna go check it out.” Michonne gave a sort of smug look as she looked between the two of us.

“Feel better after that nap?” She asked, raising her eyebrows slightly.

“Uh yeah… I guess” Carl stuttered

I just nodded. I know what she’s doing.

A couple minutes later and Rick came down towards us, stopping in front of Carl.

“Ah good, you’re awake!” He pointed out

Carl and I looked at each other quickly and then my eyes just went to my hands as I brought them up to inspect my nails. I hope they weren’t making a big deal about this while we were sleeping. It wasn’t anything to fuss about.

“Are you going to check this place out? Michonne said something about a farm.” Carl swiftly changed the subject.

“Yeah. Daryl, Rosita and Abraham too. We’re just gonna take a look. See if its empty before we all go. I don’t wanna take any chances.”

Rick looked to me and smiled reassuringly.

Carl nodded. 

“We won’t be gone long. Stay safe, both of you.” He put his hand on my shoulder and I smiled back up at him in response. 

Rick always looked out for me. He doesn’t have to but he does. 

“And by the way… I’m glad you two are talking again. I feel better knowin you’re lookin out for one another.”

With that he was off, making his way down the RV again and out the door with the others. Now we just wait.

Michonne had followed Rick to the other end to say goodbye, where most of the group were. That left Carl and I sat at the back here pretty much alone.

I sat with my hands at my side, rested on the seat not knowing what to say. Carl then moved his right hand just inches away from mine. Neither of us spoke up, but after a couple of minutes, I noticed him ever so slowly slide his hand across, even closer to mine. So close that it nudged my pinky slightly, and then his retreated back a little so that they only touched for a second. He looked at his lap. I looked at our hands.

For the second time, I found myself acting on impulse and I moved my own hand so that it was half on top of his. Carl didn’t react straight away, but just as I was beginning to regret my actions, he flipped his hand over and clasped my hand in his softly. Instantly I squeezed back, and so we were sitting here, not talking. Not even looking at each other. But holding hands. 

I’m enjoying it, and I’m almost certain he is too, considering neither of us have let go yet, but I can’t help but think… What does this mean?

-

We sat like this for a while. Until some of the others came back down to take a seat that is. It was me that pulled away, and I actually felt bad about it… as if I abandoned him in some weird way. But I knew people would start talking, and I really didn’t want that. For it to be made into a bigger deal than it is.

Rick and the others were gone around twenty minutes before they finally came in through the RV door, somewhat out of breath.

“You ok?!” Michonne asked, slightly worried.

“Yeah” Rick replied as he checked that they all made it inside alright.

“There were a dozen or so walkers in and around the place. One of the panels of the fence had come down so that’s how they were getting in. Other than that it was empty though.” Rick seemed relieved. 

“Even managed to get the fence fixed up” Daryl added

“That’s amazin” Maggie exclaimed

“So we’re good to go?” Glenn checked with Rick

“Yeah. Abraham if you could just get us closer, then we’re all set.”

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary161

2/22-23/2024

thursday - friday

day after tomorrow , i workkkkkkkk.

and omg, next week i'm working 3 days, that, like, blows kinda. whatever, not long shifts especially. tomorrow i'm gonna get bank stuff set up i think, too, so i'll finally be able to order my dumb clothes and whatever else i think i need and stuff.

anyway, today, today was busy and weird. i recorded vocals for 2 songs, i haven't listened back i think maybe i should wait a bit. i have to listen to the song i was having an issue w/ last night just to see what i might wanna do about it tomorrow, and if maybe i want to record vocals tomorrow for another song.

the problem song rn just has a weird guitar tone but i like it, maybe i keep the narrow frequencies i'm liking in it, as a bandpass, and have another tone as a layer w/ that? have that one i like that's got this kind of idk, squelchy organic-ish sound to it, as organic as it is synthetic, it's very like, it's got a lot in common with a guitar's strings and that brightness /shimmer on the attacks of notes but it also sounds very uhh, resonant and weird, it's good. i just keep that maybe and have that panned wide and then another thing that's more normal maybe in the middle-ish. that'd mean 2 guitar layers for much of the song and 3 at certain points, which could get to be too much, so i might have to fool around w/ that, but hopefully the bandpass idea would remove a lot of the volume / give more headroom so the other tone could have more presence, and then maybe i have that other tone lacking whatever the freqs i like in this one i have are. the new tone should be something a bit, idk, like this:

ideally there'd be enough weird no-wavey character coming from the other tone, so it might add a nice squeal beside this more regular sound, but idk, this kinda sound also happens w/ power chords and this song has weird chords making up the main riff, it does have power chord bits though.

i'll just have to figure that out when it comes to doing it i suppose.

seeing my friend was really good, we kind of talked a while, as i played elden ring for him, i beat a boss he was stuck on and went and found stuff for him around places he missed. we showed eachother music, he wanted to show me what's going on w/ his album but we didn't get to. my gf and his gf went out to dinner together and hung out in town square, which is like, a goofy shopping zone in vegas. it's very okay but apparently the ramen place they went to was rlly good, i'd like to try it one day.

when they came back, we went to this rave that was going on, my friend wanted to go and could cuz band practice was cancelled for him, because the other 2 members of his band wanted to go, we got to see another friend and while everyone (but me) got drunk in the parking lot, off mixing soju w/ like, sprite, perrier, and coconut pedialyte (that's at least what my gf did (it smelled like cum (specifically the cum of guys who say they just eat pineapple and drink pineapple juice all the time to 'improve the flavor' and probably tasted like that)). my friend's gf got sugar free soju, and apparently it was awful, i said to her that if you want 'diet alcohol' you're just better off not drinking cuz it seems like all alcohol is just going to blast you w/ unwanted and pointless calories (i'm not above pointless calories (i drank some soda tonight...feels sort of awful tbh i hate soda mostly but it tastes good sometimes and i guess tonight was an indulgence or whatever. i like candy too but little handfuls feel more manageable to me than like soda idk). she was like, yeah, but, you know, basically, and like, obviously yeah. if you wanna get drunk you wanna get drunk. so my advice = worthless, but it was just me being 'catty' for fun, as a bit, i guess. idk why i'm going so into this, it wasn't a bad interaction for either of us, i guess it's just funny to look at it this closely. anyway, they all got drunk and my other friend and i wandered into a smith's grocery store, right before closing, in the middle of construction, very strange. and when we got to the doors of the venue, my gf and the other 2 had already been let in and we weren't gonna be able to get in for free so easily, we walked into a nearby casino, which we'd been kicked out of in the past but nobody cared while we were there this time and we were just kicked out because another rave in another nearby venue was using that place to piss. anyway, we sat in there a bit, my friend gambled 2 dollars away because we knew if we looked like we were doing something we'd not get kicked out, i'd just like, look like some girl(thing(ish(whatever))) with some kind of gambler, like i was a good luck charm.

obv, he won nothing, he was reduced to 12 cents, from 2 dollars. so we just were out of the cold for a bit until my gf got us onto the list, and we waited in the karaoke place/venue (lol), eventually being let in by our friend who was putting on the show, and when we got into the venue the first thing i noticed was how bad the sound was, it was like, blown out, and quiet, too bassy, and too much high end, basically cuz of this really violent limiting on all the speakers which cuts off at the exact same point across all frequency bands, it was an awful sound, you couldn't really make anything out, the kicks were so puffy and weak sounding and the high hats really didn't have the high end to connect but were obviously shrill and peaking around like, 3k, i'd guess. it was insane.

anyways, the party clearly sucked, and there were almost no people even there, it was low turnout, the crowd had no energy, which makes sense when the music 1) sounds the same as always and 2) has the novelty of now sounding horrifically bad. people were kind of dancing and acting like it was awesome, but it was not.

basically we just kind of hung around, kind of just absorbing this awful thing, and then left, but as we were being driven home, my friend realized she left her phone at the place, so we had to go back, she drove a little crazy, but we had people there still who went and got it for us as we returned, when we got back her bf went in to get it for her, and as we waited in the parking lot, this guy who irritated me earlier in the night (by calling me a nickname which i hate/always hated, some people don't offend me when they do it, but i never like it, anyways when he did i just kind of said 'don't call me that' and withdrew my hand from a handshake we were abt to commence, when he asked why i just said i don't like it, and then shook his hand (maybe it was too much but he just irritates me so much honestly)) and he bothered my friend by just like, when my friend ran out to return the phone and then ran back inside, he took the phone and asked my other friend to play rock paper scissors for it back. he is a drunken child.

when my other friend came back from inside/saying all the long goodbyes he was trying to avoid, he was like, mad, because the guy who ran the thing was like 'oh we were gonna ask you to play, and like, you have a right to do it but like, you need to play different stuff, you know, you can't play the same stuff every time,' which came as a shock to my friend who has never heard this before and all these people play music that sounds identical to itself and the sets sound no different from any other, he's the only one who you can really tell has any personality when he performs stuff, and it's because largely he spins his original music, which he keeps in rotation yeah but it's all stuff that works, and he brings new tracks and tests them on crowds to see how they take it/like it, they usually always like them, he has grown fans from just doing things how he does. but idk, this really pissed him off, obviously, it bothers me even, idk why these rave people take this shit seriously to the point of mostly playing the most monotone and boring shit ever, they've really just kind of made all the kind of hardcore dance music less fun, even in home listening, it just reminds me, when it's good, of what i could hear on the dancefloors, but i never do, it's just the same sounds all the time. breaks feel so fucked to me, they just put up some kind of guard in me now whenever i hear them. it's sad but idk, it at least means there's something i can imagine in myself about another way out/around what these people are spinning.

ultimately they just dig thru soundcloud, find identical sounding songs, and play them to keep a vibe up, it's irritating, none of the interest in the dancefloor as transformative, instead it's about making the space something solid, reifying/writing what it is w/ signifiers like 'cold techno' and 'clattering hihats' or even '10 seconds of acid before the song becomes nothing again'. very boring stuff at the end of the day.

anyway, i am tired, i need to sleep now, tomorrow is errands day but since we don't have to do laundry anymore, it won't be bad, it'll be nice even.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Twenty-Seven

Table of Content or Part Twenty-Six

Pairing: Douglas Booth!Nikki Sixx x OC

Word Count: 2.3k

Warning(s): Language, Hints at drug use

A/N: This wasn't the entire chapter, however tumblr's being weird and won't even let me create a new draft right now let alone let me upload a 4,044 worded text post so I'll upload the second part of this asap (probably tomorrow of they get their shit fixed on here) and there will be another update Friday. Have a good night:)

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-------------------------------------------------------

I smooth my wavey hair down, taking the last giant velcrow roller out before putting my lipstick on and leaving the bathroom, looking for the car keys, unable to find them.

"Nikki, babe, where are the keys?" I call to him, looking in the kitchen and living room, heading to our bedroom.

He's passed out from a night of partying, Robbin still asleep on the floor.

"Baby." I lightly pat Nikki's face, not having the time to patiently shake him awake.

He groans, scrunching his face and rubbing his eyes.

"What is it?" He asks me, exhausted.

"Where are the car keys?"

"Mine or your's?" He questions, blinking at me to clear the sleep from his eyes.

"Your's. I can't drive mine until we get the driver's side window fixed, remember?"

"What? What happened to it?" He sits up and I raise my brows.

"Uh, well, you put your fist through it?" I remind him and he exhales.

"Oh...yeah." He replies. "They're in my pants pocket."

I don't give him time to reach for them himself.

My hand is in his pants pocket, grabbing his keys and pulling them out.

"Bye, love y-love, I'll see you when I get back." I stutter to cover my slip up, cutting myself off immediately before I can say, "love you", even though I've never called Nikki "love" before.

He doesn't notice it.

"See you when you get back." He mumbles once he's laying back down.

I slip my kitten heels on and head out.

"I love you" was one of the biggest Elephants in the room between Nikki and I.

We should have said it and we knew that, but we just didn't say it.

At first I was waiting for him to say it, then he never did...so I just decided it was something we wouldn't do.

Love's an action instead of an emotion, anyway, so I didn't think it was a big deal that neither of us had heard it from the other because we showed each other we loved each other in other ways...until we didn't anymore...and started keeping score, measuring who was winning by who was hurting who more, instead of trying to be better to each other.

I had to face that ugly reality when we were both screaming "I hate you" with Fred and Doc trying to break up one of our argument-turned-near-fist fights backstage at the last North American show of "Girls, Girls, Girls."

That was the night I got pregnant with my first son, Monroe, and the man barking about how much he hated me, isn't the father.

It's safe to say I won.

My heels click down the concrete stairs of the church as I walk to Nikki's black corvette after service is over, furrowing my brows the closer I get, seeing a white slip of paper tucked under the windsheild wiper.

I pluck the paper off and see it's a ticket for $350.00 with "BROKEN TAIL LIGHT" marked on it.

"My tail light isn't broken." I argue to myself, stepping around the back.

The entire left side set of lights are busted with signs of swapped paint where someone hit the car with their's and I open my mouth to speak but no words come out.

I stand and stare at the paper, then the busted light, tears oncoming the more I look at it.

Nikki is going to kill me.

I hear a car pull up behind me and park on the curb of the street but I don't pay any attention, too busy figuring out how to explain this.

"Hey, uh, Vivian?"

I turn to see Duff, wiping my eyes quickly.

"Duff?" I'm caught off guard by my recently new friend. "I've told you just call me 'Viv'." I tell him, sniffling and he furrows his brows, stopping in front of me where I'm now standing by the driver's door of the corvette.

"You alright?"

"Yeah." It's an obvious lie, a pathetic squeak leaving me.

"What's up?" He asks me and I lick my lips and sigh out.

"It's stupid." I mumble, rolling my eyes.

"What happened?"

I just hand him the ticket and he takes in a sharp breath, his brows shooting up.

"Jeezus." He lets out. "You just got this?"

"Yes." My voice cracks and he looks at me with sympathetic eyes.

"Viv, c'mon, it's not that bad. It'll be alright." He tries to reassure me.

"Oh, no, no, no...that's not all." I say, walking to the back and he follows me, not hiding the gasp that leaves his lips. Nikki is going to kill me."

There's a silent pause as I rest against the back of the corevette, crossing my arms, trying to figure out how I'm going to present the $350.00 ticket to my husband.

Duff leans against it beside me, avoiding the broken bits, thinking for a second, too, before reaching into his jacket pocket.

"Here." He grabs my hand, putting a wad of cash into it and I look at him, confused. "For the ticket." He explains and I shake my head.

"N-No. I can't take this from you, you need it." I argue, wiping more tears.

He goes to say something but I cut him short. "If you say that you don't need it, I'm going to hit you. You live in your car, Duff. You've been talking about getting a new place and this is part of the rent for an apartment." I point out, handing the cash back to him.

"Whatever you say." He shrugs, putting it back in his jacket.

We sit for a moment longer before he nudges me with his elbow.

"You hungry?" He asks and I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Stop offering to spend your money on me." I chuckle and he smiles.

"Actually, I know a place the both of us can eat and it would only cost the price of one beer." He tells me and I raise my brows.

It was the first of many Sunday lunches at this hotel a few blocks away that offered an "all you can eat" buffet if you just buy a bottle of beer.

I listen as Duff goes on about possible members of the potential band he wants to be a part of.

A drummer named Steven, who has a lot of extra drums in his kit than what's needed but he's a hell of a drummer.

A Johnny Thunders look alike-that isn't that great on a guitar but makes it sound cool anyway-that goes by the name Izzy.

And a kind of weird kid that apparantly has massive hair and is super shy but speaks a billion words a minute through his guitar: Slash.

"And Slash and Steven are buddies, but I don't know if they've ever met Izzy or not." He tells me, sipping the beer neither of us were carded for, even though we're only twenty.

"What style of singer do you have in mind?" I ask, taking a bite out of my mozerella stick.

"Someone who gets the punk scene, but not necessarily a punk singer." He tells me and I wrinkle my nose. "Don't do that." He points at me, knowing exactly what I'm about to say.

"Punk?"

"Don't say it like that." He laughs. "You don't like it because you don't understand it."

"I understand it and I respect it, I just don't..." I try to choose my words. "...I like some of it, but most of it I don't really care for."

"How the hell do you survive not liking punk? It's the biggest 'fuck you' to societal standards." He defends the genre.

"I like the Ramones, The Stooges, the New York Dolls." I tell him, even though they were all acquired tastes because I have to listen to them so much due to Nikki.

"What about The Sex Pistols?" Duff suggests.

"I did, until Sid killed Nancy." I shrug.

"Oh, c'mon, Viv, you really believe that propaganda bullshit made up by the conservative media to further their anti-punk/rock agenda and get a good check? He did not kill her." He argues.

"They'd been binging on all kinds of drugs for weeks. I'm not saying he meant to, maybe he was hallucinating and genuinely didn't realize it was her until it was too late, but he did it." I state.

"Nope."

"Oh, okay, so it was the body guard?"

"I think it was a double suicide attempt." He explains and I lean back. "His just didn't work."

"If it was a double suicide, why didn't he just use the knife she used and bleed to death like she did?" I question.

"Maybe he didn't want to be stabbed."

"If he was going to die, what would it matter?" I ask and he shakes his head a little with a small grin pulling at his lips.

"Hi, my name is Vivian Estine Sixx and I can argue with a brick wall for five hours straight." He mocks me and I cut my eyes at him.

We just stare at each other, and he attempts to take another drink of his beer while we have our staring contest, and the both of us crack up simultaneously, and he sprays beer through his lips and nose, further egging my laughter on.

I get home around four in the afternoon after spending three hours talking to Duff, and my stomach's sore from laughing so much.

"Viv?" Nikki calls from the bathroom and I walk in to see him teasing his hair.

He's shirtless, his black jeans are unbuttoned and unzipped, exposing some of his pubic hair and I lick my lips.

"Did you have fun?" He asks in a teasing tone, referring to the oh-so-wild church service I attend as much as I can, and I roll my eyes and lean against the sink beside him, crossing my arms.

"Yes, I did." I reply, not able to meet his eyes because I'm too focused on his exposed skin.

"What took you so long to get back?" He asks next.

I know, I know, "if it was innocent then there should be nothing to hide and you should be able to tell him you were with another man."

It wasn't Tommy, Mick, Robbin or Vince, and he never met Duff.

He didn't trust men he'd never met around me.

So if I would have told him, I would have never heard the end of it.

"Long sermon." I lie, and he looks at me and furrows his brows.

"Have you been crying? Your mascara's smudged." He tells me, his thumb swiping right under my bottom lash line to wipe away dried mascara and I'm suddenly hit with the realization that I have a $350.00 ticket.

"It was a good sermon." I say.

He finishes his hair, turning to look at me.

"Me and the guys are going to the Rainbow tonight." He tells me. "You're comin', right?"

"Yes." I nod, grinning.

"Good. I gotta go get the oil changed and I'll be back to pick you up." He steps out of the bathroom to go get dressed and I follow him.

Once he's got his t-shirt that has "FUCK" written across the front, he's pulling his jacket and boots on.

When he's gotten his boots on, he stands up from the matress of our bed, and I grab at the top of his jeans, pulling him closer to me, standing on my tip toes to press my lips to his.

He kisses me, his hands holding at either side of my jaw.

When we pull away, he smiles, kissing my cheek before grabbing his keys and leaving.

The second he's gone I'm darting to my purse, attempting to find the ticket, praying I didn't leave it in the car.

Once I see it's not in my purse, I let out a deep breath and worry that I've lost it.

"Damnit." I mumble, trying to remember the last place I had it. "The church parkinglot with Duff but..." I trail off, thinking of the possibility of it being left in the parkinglot and I groan out.

There's no way it's still there if that's where it got left.

I decide to figure it out later and go wash away my worn off makeup before reapplying it and changing clothes, waiting for Nikki to get back.

I'm finishing putting on ruby red lipstick when I hear the front door slam and I tense up and put the cap back on the tube before peeking my head out the door and seeing Nikki put his keys and a piece of paper on the counter, frustration taking a stance in his movements.

Pretending nothing's wrong, I walk out of the bathroom and across the floor to our bedroom to grab my purse and put my heels on.

Once they're on, I walk back into the kitchen smile at him.

"C'mon, babe." I nudge him as I walk past him to get to the door.

He grabs my arm, though, causing me to stop and he pulls me back, pushing me against the counter, trapping me when he puts his hands on the counter on either side of me and his face is centimeters from mine.

"You wouldn't know anything about the completely shattered tail light on my car, would you?" He asks me calmly.

"No?" I lie, trying to seem confused, but it's clear he's not buying it.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He just stares at me and I slide my hands up and down his arms, smiling nervously.

"Can we go, now?" I ask, kissing his cheek.

"I spent $100.00 to get it fixed today." He explains. "Did you back into something or did someone hit the car?"

"I told you I didn't even know about it, babe." I argue calmly. "Can we leave and just go back and forth about this later? We're gonna be late."

He gives me one last stare before sighing out, letting me go and I make sure to beat him to the car by several strides, frantically searching for the ticket when I get in, not finding it, before he gets in beside me.

[ladybugg1235]

Amralime Wake up

Thorin x reader

Hello lovelys so this thought came to me a bit of a long drabble it's not perfect might suck idk lol but I based it off my own hard Labor and birth experience as mine was a bit deadly.

it's bit of angst and death and life experiences some and seeing loved ones on the other side some fluff ect hope you like sorry about any mistakes punctuations please let me know what you think. my writing skills are not the best but I'm trying to perfect them lol thank you so much :)

On the count of three i need you to push y/n ! Bare down on your bottom now push!! That a girl !! Push!!!

You bared down as hard as you could your screams the only sounds piercing the room and echoing down the halls of erebor

While others in the company paced the room

Bofur was at your left and dwalin on your right( getting sick in the process ) whispering words of comfort as you squeezed their hands tight in between each push. "You got this lass"

They took the best care of you making sure you had what you need you were family and knowing Thorin would want nothing more but the very best for his loves.

You begged him not go even tho you knew it was a useless battle he was going and you knew he had too you remember that day like it was yesterday

(Flashback

Its been seven months since erebor was taken back seven months since you lost the love of your life ? if it wasn't for the company you wouldn't know where you be.

Thorin... your one ..there was never a moment you didn't think of him always going back to that last moment together

Dragon sickness was finnaly broken he approached his kin with hope of forgiveness in his eyes and asked to follow him one last time.

As everyone suited up you silently walked up behind him happy that your Thorin was back but sad as you knew what will come next. You needed to tell him you may never get the chance..

Finding your voice you said"I know you must go As you should but , I need you to come back ".... "We need you to come back" he turns to face you with a look of astonishment.

"We?" He said as he approached you his eyes wide as your hand trailed to your stomach. "We" you said "I tried to tell you but the time was never right".

"Armalime" he said. As he layed his forehead against yours his hands resting on your stomach "your not upset are you ?" "No my love quite the opposite I couldn't be more happy".

" Ghivashith , I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you like I should of been- it doesn't matter ,your here and your you I just have a bad feeling.." You sighed feeling defeated.

"Armalime", "I can't make any promises".. he paused and he said something you would treasure forever.

Men lananubukhs menu y/n menu tessu de Re amnad hikhthuzl April menu [ I love you y\n you are everything to me I will always love you ]

he crouched down on one knee his eyes and hand on your tummy "and you bunnanunê " ( my tiny treasure) "hikthuzul" (always)

He kissed your belly as tears streamed down your face your hands in his hair as he embraced your middle a memory embedded your heart forever. (End of flashback)

"One more push y\n !!" One more scream escape your lips then the most beautiful sound filled the air "It's a girl!!" I can't believe it !! Oin said

You couldn't believe it a girl something so rare in dwarves. So you heard.

she was perfect oin place her in your arms a set a familiar blue eyes with a full head of dark wavey hair looking right back at you. Beautiful

Bofur was by your side his eyes glisting

"Oh by my beard She's a gem !! Perfect and oh Mahal!! she a replica of her adad she even has his nose" he chucked as he continued on admiring the now new heir of durin.

"Hello bunnanunê" you whispered weakly as more congratulations filled the air but a sudden chill hit you the air going out of your lungs the room began to spine as you begin to drift in and out of concousnes.

darkness started to take over then a voice called out to you

"Armalime, wake up" you new that voice anywhere you open your eyes and there he was just as you remembered. Thorin.

"Thorin is it really you ?" "Where am I?" You looked around it was so bright you couldn't tell where you where but yet a feeling of peace washed over you.

A hand lift you to you feet. Thorin

"Its really you I missed you so much"

"And I you my sweet armalime" he pressed His lips to yours tears streamed down your face you were home.

"Hey auntie" "kili ? Fili"? you turned and found your self being embraced by the two brothers. Giggles and snickers filled the air as you embraced the durin princes.

"I can't believe it Your all here together?" "Wait a minute" then it dawned on you "am I dead?"

"No Gheveshel but your not far from it you have to wake up there's still time"

"Thorin no I "- "yes you can and you will do this, for me , for our daughter she needs you. You are strong it's not your time.. not yet." "I need you to live"

You knew he was right as much as you wanted to stay you knew you couldn't your heart was so heavy feeling torn in two.

You could hear the faint sounds of frantic voices circling around you but above all else you could hear the piercing cries of your daughter

My heart hurts ...

Sighing he Pressed his forehead to yours "She's calling for you" He push a lock of hair behind your ear cradling your face "Do not despair my love, it's not goodbye I'll be waiting for you Gimlelul ( my brightest star) I couldn't be more proud she's perfect let my bunnanunê know her adad loves her very much".

"And us too !!" The princes said in union you turned to faced them. "Take care of our little cousin your gonna have Your hands full if she's anything like us " fili said with mischievous grin. "Agreed brother agreed kili added.

Thorin chucked as he pulled you back into his embrace one last time

"Even so you will make a fine adma armalime I love you both so very much" with one last scorching kiss his voiced echoed "Wake up!!"

As your eyes fluttered open a few familiar faces came to view "she ok!!! ""She's coming around !!" Y/n can you hear me you gave a quite a scare lass" "Where is she" ? you said

" I think you need- No I'm fine please..? let me see her "oin sighed in defeat.

In the the far corner of the room you can see dwalin cradling your tiny jewel the company circling around him with looks of awe and wonder on there faces ..even tears.

He walked over to you and placed the sweet bundle in your arms coos and little gurgles escaping her lips.

she looked up at you with those beautiful blue eyes her tiny hands grasping your finger she was perfect.

"Hello my little one I'm your adma your adad wanted me to tell you he loves you so much he couldn't be more happier you are his most precious bunnanunê "

" And of course your cousins they send their love too" I promise you many stories of them to come " you chuckled as you twirl your finger in her tiny hand her eyes wide and bright watching you intently like she was listing to every word .

"Ye did well lass she's a right beauty she is"... Thorin would've been proud" you looked up at the gruff Warrior and smile "Thank you dwalin " "yes that he is a very proud adad"

He smile back "Have ye thought of a name? " you pondered a minute as the company gathered around you.

As you looked at your sweet bunnanunê her bright blue gems gazing back into your e/c ones you heard a familiar baritone voice echoed a name ..... you smiled

"Sapphire"

"The brightest gem in erebor"