#is this what they mean when they say healing can be a difficult process. bc im so not used to being treated kindly

[coffeegnomee]

ugh sometimes watching Kab pov I get real sympathetic for how difficult it must be to be in her brain and just be so confused all the time and exhausted about masking her feelings to make other people trust her and her pain in wanting to be vulnerable and receive vulnerability and feel deep reciprocal love.

But then she says shit, really fucking mean and toxic shit towards mental health and healing and it triggers my own fight or flight and i become a ball of rage.

And like, I do get it. When you start your journey of mental health healing you often become the toxic one as you throw the shit people have said to you at everyone who also has similar mental health issues as you. (been there done that) Doing it to process your own rage at being told these things, or thinking, out of desperation, that if you can just get them to fix themselves quickly, you can fix yourself quickly. The bullied becomes the bully.

But then time passes and you realize this shit is hard to overcome. (or maybe it won't ever be overcome! and that's okay!) And you stop being toxic and you start being compassionate, to yourself and others. And eventually you start to heal and become confident in your own self worth and the validity of your emotions.

But before then it's the fucking worst place to watch someone be in. And that place is unfortunately where we are right now.

below is a short transcript of the convo this reflection is based off of. it can be triggering so like, don't feel obliged to read it.

11/10/24 kab vod: "I have no idea what's happening"

1:42:00 KAB: “what about how he makes me feel? Why is it so important what he feels and to accommodate everything he’s feeling? Why do i have to conceded to that???”

1:44:00 “I’m sick of having to accommodate to everyone else’s actions” 

realizing your masking is hurting you is one of the worst realizations (imo). bc the mask keeps you safe, but if you can't process or give worth to your real emotions, it's not serving you.

so she swaps from processing her own feeling to being angry at zam.

1:47:00 She gets he needs time and space, but “We don't have time for to try and sit and process your emotions properly. Do it after we deal with this fucking issue [...] sometimes you just need to toughen up” 

Fucking hell the trigger i just felt for just toughen up. 

1:48:00 “i need to know what he’s thinking so that we can work together. In a team!” 

what team!?!

“‘Does zam really hate communication more than he likes spawn and the server’ literally. Like pick your priorities dude.”

I’m going to fucking throw up. Because yes. Actually yes. Unfortunately and actually yes. He's gotten a lot better but like.

1:53:00 “I dunno. I wish he would care about himself as much as i care about him. Hard to see him like this [pause] maybe he does need more nurturing than i can give him bro ugh. I am just not- i am not good at that shit. I think it’s stupid [..] when you have a job to do [..] just shove your emotions away for a bit. And then you can process them later” 

I was going to say this is just eclipse, but I just realized that maybe it's just this is exactly the perception Zam had of Vi: that Vi just wanted him to move on when he couldn't. All his deepest fears of what Vi wanted from him are being personified into a new person. 

(also he is shoving his emotions away and that's why he's not processing it and giving you an answer for why he "doesn't know"????? but since he's not a perfect ball of joy and masking to you and because he is doing what you can't (shove emotions away) you are in rage)

1:54:00  “But it’s like, while there’s a life or death situation that literally determines the entire server we don't have time to be like, holding your hand, you know? Like, you're an adult” ughh fuck. being broken is inconvenient for others and age is seen as an invalidation to any of your real brokenness. If you're old you no longer have the right to be broken. Can we please change this narrative? thx

“If he cared enough he would actively try and do something to help himself in this situation” 

Interesting choice of words to say "he would try to help himself if he cared" complaining about others not "working" on themselves (and you can never know if someone is working on themselves bc you're not in their brain) helps nobody bc you can only control yourself.

“You just want to sit and feel bad about yourself” no that's what you're doing kab

“He got me to fucking open up to him and pour my heart out and is now turning his back on that entirely. That’s what i’m actually more upset about” 

oh the naive belief that because you pour your heart out to someone they must reciprocate. That is the risk you take when you are honest with someone about your feelings. They are at no obligation to reciprocate ever. Never ever. But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't true and it doesn't mean you shouldn't have done it. Love is a risk.

But also she feels she was forced into it. Forced to be vulnerable and she hates the vulnerability. She doesn't remember (or believe) that Zam promised to not use it against her. She isn't willing to give him the chance to not use it against her. He simply knows and that is a threat.

So love turns into spite. Instantly. And she doesn't want to talk to him anymore. And decides that she will just be fake to him.

oh girl. keeping the mask on doesn't help anything. 

“I’ve lost a lot of respect for him today. I’m done trying to impress him”

and so the mask returns. and healing stops.

[aspd-culture]

Do you know at what point ASPD is unlikely to reverse in minors (like 17 or 16 but I know 18 is necessary for diagnosis) or if a certain amount of symptoms is unlikely to reduce enough to not be ASPD anymore?

I've heard the 18+ thing is necessary because ASPD can be reduced/reversed before 18 but I'm not sure if it consistently includes 16/17 as ones who can also be reduced if they meet the criteria.

I'm just turning 17 next month and trying to get therapy is difficult because of my provider so I'm worried my ASPD traits are irreversible already (mostly because of how much I experience them, which is relatively a lot compared to prosocials)

So the younger you are, the easier this is, but realistically I wouldn't be surprised if it has wiggle room even going over that 18 year range - which is somewhat arbitrary and is not built with the actual ages of impulsivity and emotional regulation in mind as far as I can tell. It's just that ASPD can only be diagnosed in adulthood, and in the US which is the book I'm reading out of, you're an adult at 18. I don't think it's a hard and fast rule bc the wording is "cannot be diagnosed until 18" not "should be diagnosed if these symptoms persist past 18". It's basically saying that you can't diagnose anyone under that age with it bc it could just be normal teenage behavior.

The things that can reverse the set in of ASPD symptoms are all based in adequate support and ability to heal, so the freshness of the events leading to ASPD would also be important to consider. You're less likely to be able to be helped to recover from this to where it's not diagnosable (meaning you don't have it bc you genuinely do not under any definition fit the criteria - this is what ppl mean when they say with their antidepressants, they're no longer considered diagnosable with depression and are therefore considered successfully treated) if you've spent longer in survival mode. What the support needed to avoid ASPD is based on is getting you out of survival mode in time for your brain to socially develop properly. As the brain doesn't stop developing until around 25, my unprofessional behind would not be surprised if you could, in theory, be given enough respite that you can avoid ASPD for a couple years after that 18 starting line for diagnosis. And the less time you were in survival mode without adequate support to remove you from it, the lower chance antisocial traits would develop in the first place.

It is absolutely worth an attempt if you're able to start trying to get that support, but try to do it outside of the mindset of running from ASPD, bc that will ruin your brain's ability to focus on healing. In the meantime while you're getting that therapy to process, you can also be supplementing your therapy with researching and attempting to understand social cues and dances and all of that. If you're getting help and you're researching this, then even if you do end up having ASPD you'll have done a good amount of the heavy lifting to learn to best cope with it and have more typical relationships and social interactions with those around you.

No matter what, you have all the time in the world to heal to a very significant degree bc ASPD does respond to professional help to mitigate some of it's symptoms, so please don't let turning 18 discourage you from getting help. With or without ASPD, you deserve to heal from whatever trauma you've dealt with.

Plain text below the cut:

So the younger you are, the easier this is, but realistically I wouldn't be surprised if it has wiggle room even going over that 18 year range - which is somewhat arbitrary and is not built with the actual ages of impulsivity and emotional regulation in mind as far as I can tell. It's just that ASPD can only be diagnosed in adulthood, and in the US which is the book I'm reading out of, you're an adult at 18. I don't think it's a hard and fast rule bc the wording is "cannot be diagnosed until 18" not "should be diagnosed if these symptoms persist past 18". It's basically saying that you can't diagnose anyone under that age with it bc it could just be normal teenage behavior.

The things that can reverse the set in of ASPD symptoms are all based in adequate support and ability to heal, so the freshness of the events leading to ASPD would also be important to consider. You're less likely to be able to be helped to recover from this to where it's not diagnosable (meaning you don't have it bc you genuinely do not under any definition fit the criteria - this is what ppl mean when they say with their antidepressants, they're no longer considered diagnosable with depression and are therefore considered successfully treated) if you've spent longer in survival mode. What the support needed to avoid ASPD is based on is getting you out of survival mode in time for your brain to socially develop properly. As the brain doesn't stop developing until around 25, my unprofessional behind would not be surprised if you could, in theory, be given enough respite that you can avoid ASPD for a couple years after that 18 starting line for diagnosis. And the less time you were in survival mode without adequate support to remove you from it, the lower chance antisocial traits would develop in the first place.

It is absolutely worth an attempt if you're able to start trying to get that support, but try to do it outside of the mindset of running from ASPD, bc that will ruin your brain's ability to focus on healing. In the meantime while you're getting that therapy to process, you can also be supplementing your therapy with researching and attempting to understand social cues and dances and all of that. If you're getting help and you're researching this, then even if you do end up having ASPD you'll have done a good amount of the heavy lifting to learn to best cope with it and have more typical relationships and social interactions with those around you.

No matter what, you have all the time in the world to heal to a very significant degree bc ASPD does respond to professional help to mitigate some of it's symptoms, so please don't let turning 18 discourage you from getting help. With or without ASPD, you deserve to heal from whatever trauma you've dealt with.

[shoopsthereitis]

on art and grief and fandom

I was scrolling on TikTok today, as one does when they decompress after work, and I ended up on a video of Andrew Garfield reciting a piece of writing on grief. There was a part of what he said that really got to me. this is why art is so important because it can get us to places that we can’t get to any other way.

I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of one of my dear friend's death, and to say it's been a rough year would be drastically understating it. The thing about this year though, has been that it's been filled with some of the lowest lows I've ever dealt with, but also some of the highest highs. I found fandom around a year and a half ago. I dabbled a bit when I was younger, but somehow ended up back in it at just the right time. Around six months after coming back into fandom, I lost my friend. I had never experienced grief before. I had no idea what to do with how I was feeling or how to process any of it.

Grief is one of the wildest things I've ever experienced, and it's so true that you really don't understand it until you've experienced it. I have such a deeper empathy for anyone who has had to know grief.

When my friend died, I found myself craving worlds and characters I already knew. I needed that familiarity, but I also wanted more. I think all of us in fandom know how absolutely incredible the writers are, and I ended up without really ever doing it on purpose (I mean a little on purpose, bc tags) reading a lot of stories with MCD, and grief as heavy themes. I found myself able to process my own grief through these characters and reach these places that I couldn't quite grasp in my everyday life.

Art is so important. I don't think I could have made it through this year without these stories and this art to process my own grief.

The thing about grief, is that after you know it, you're not the same person you were before. I think that's what made life so difficult. Because everyone in my life knew me as a certain person, in a certain way, but after my friend died, that person was gone. I don't know her anymore. I'm different now. Finally stepping deeper into fandom and building relationships gave me an opportunity to get to know people for the first time as this person. This person who accepts themselves in such a deeper way, this person who wants to yap about these silly wizards, but also is making connections with people I never would have known had I not joined a random discord after someone asked if anyone wanted to do a group read.

Then, I started writing. I wrote a one shot about grief that I think healed parts of me I never expected it to heal.

There is such a power in art. Whether it's writing, or art, or edits, or whatever it is bc art can take so many forms. Art and fandom is so important, and it's so easy to get caught up on the silly little things, but today, today I'm reflecting on all the positives.

Art has gotten me through this year, and fandom has helped get me through this year, and the friends I've made have unknowingly helped me get through this year and I'm so thankful for it.

I'm so happy to have curated spaces with people I can yap about James and Regulus with, or our school studies, or our families, or music, or anything under the sun.

So, coming up on one year since losing my friend, I'm having so many feelings come back up because grief is not linear. But it's given me the opportunity to reflect on how important art, and writing, and fandom and the people I've surrounded myself in it are.

Between these people, their writing, their art, and the beautiful friends I have in my real life, I've been able to make it through this year.

Because Andrew said it so well, this is why art is so important because it can get us to places that we can’t get to any other way.

[fickes]

hiiiiii

as a pre top surgery transmasc i adore your art so much. it makes me so happy and gives me hope that someday i too will be able to get top surgery!

okay so i like asking peoples personal experiences, so what were the most interesting things about getting ready for top surgery, the surgery itself or the recovery process in your eyes?

also how long did it take to get off of the binder after the surgery? thats the part i worry about the most bc i cant wear a binder bc my lungs are inept (affectionate) so i worry how thatll go but i mean itll be worth it obviously.

anyway whatever you are comfortable sharing about the surgery process, id love to hear it!!! have a great rest of your day

Thanks so much :) I'm answering this publicly in case other people find this information useful, but let me know if it's a problem and I'll take it down right away. Also feel free to message me with any follow-up questions.

I should let you know a lot of my comics are a bit dramatized for comedic purposes. I don't lie at all but sometimes I phrase things to be funny, not accurate ;)

Let's get into it - first of all, speaking as someone who needed top surgery but felt it was a pipe dream for soso long, I'll say a) it was well worth the wait and b) it wasn't nearly as hard as I expected it to be, both logistically and physically. I had the advantage that I live in a pretty liberal state in transgender law and financial aid, but the disadvantage of having a few medical conditions that I expected to make the surgery pretty hard on me (and that blocked me a little in terms of getting medical permission). If you live in the USA, I may have more specific legal guidelines for you if you want it.

In terms of the binder! I actually have a chest deformity that made wearing a binder extremely painful and probably damaging. I usually had to opt for sports bras etc., and this was a big concern for me, too, in terms of the binder that you have to wear after surgery. The vest the hospital gave me was problematic because it didn't fit me right and was causing a lot of pain. I'm not sure if my deformity had to do with it or not. But the point is: I told them the problem, and they gave me the option of just going out and buying Under Armour compression sportswear. This SAVED me, and it was FAR less painful than any binder or binder substitute I've ever worn. I could wear it 24/7 and barely even notice the pain, and it was only about $20 online. This is definitely worth asking about ahead of time to any potential surgeon. Even if this particular solution doesn't work for your case, they probably have others. There are a lot of us with bad lungs/ribs!

I was required to wear the compression shirt for 6 weeks. After that, I've chosen to continue wearing it on and off because I still have a little swelling. They expect that to be done by 6 months.

The worst parts were the vest (before I replaced it with the sportswear) and the drains. The worst part about the drains is they do hurt, and if the tubes shift at all you can feel it inside your body (BAD feeling). Unlike everything else, they were gradually hurting more the longer I had them. I got them out after a week, and after that recovery was no problemo at all. The drains are the hard part - I think most people agree with me on this one. Some people experience pain getting them removed, too, but for me it just felt a little weird.

The most interesting thing to me was the result itself. The wound, the bruising, the stitches, the glue, and the scars. Watching my own skin heal itself into a new shape was fascinating! I was allowed to change the dressing on day 2 and it was a pretty gruesome sight, but it also felt RIGHT. I was expecting a difficult adjustment. Even with the gender euphoria, a lot of trans people say they felt woozy or strange when they first saw the results. It can take a long time for your brain to adjust to your new shape. But for some reason, for me, it just immediately felt right. It's already hard to imagine my chest having ever been different.

[kittycowboy]

so the bugs r actually like organisms?? creachurs? thats so neat... so theres chip implants like with ishawuu and bug implants?

Theure all bugs !! I sometimes say chips I think bcs like. wayy easier for ppl to get when I say that AJJGHJJE.

The bugs are these cockroach-like ithings that were discovered while some nuclewr bombs were being tested on an uninhabited island. These bugs were entirely uneffected by the bombs or radiation, and upon further investigation certain subsects of them coild survive different things- extremely high temperatures, extremelt low ones, being crushed, etc etc. This was around the time that the ppl working on Koro learned that it needed human brains to continue functioning, so there were a tonnnn of biotechnology progams being pushed.

One group ended up finding that the bugs can metamorphosis and attach to living beings, which then grant them aspects of their "power"- so like superstrength, higher speed, reaction time increase, better immune systems, etc. ALL sorts of things- but in exchanhe they would eat at the host and eventually kill them. BUT through yearsss of research and A Lot of dead test subjects they ended up finding a way to force a metamorphosis and install the bugs into humans in certain areas of the body to give a symbiotic relationship- the bug takes a liiitle bit of the host, but not emough to kill them, and the host gets the powers !!

The areas they have to be installed are different for each bug. So radiation bugs need to attach to the heart, agility/speed to the spinal cord, strength ones are actually interesring bcs you need TWO bugs- one to attach to the medulla and the other into the hypothalamus. All the surgeries are dangerous but as one can assume that one has a particularly high mortality rate.

Cellres bugs (what Ishawuu and Yoki have) were particularly hard to make, since firstly it was rlly hard to physically alter the bugs. I mean since each one has the power that it grants, you cant really. put hardware into a bug that heals instantly. BUT THEY DID !! What they discobered was that by literally shitting off the brain, the healing factor paused and they were able to adjust the bugs.

Naturally this was a rlly difficult process and a lot of the bugs died, so there were only a total of 50 people who got the bugs, and iirc like 32 who survived the inital installation? There were two groups, the test subjects n the ppl who theu Actually wanted to have the bugs. 30 test subjects made up of willing volunteers who, in exchange for getting a cellres chip, would serve Koro for like. the rest of time basically. Most of them were terminally ill patients or criminals w/ life sentences or on death row. Someeee of them, such as Ishawuu, already worked for Koro and wanted a chance at immortality- Ishawuu specificallt was super fucked up abt dying and also bcs she was a suuuper low rank despite giving literally everything she had to Koro, so she thought that is she put her life on the line as a test subject she wld be promoted

The second group of 20 ppl were high ranked Koro officials like Yoki, and they wouldnt get the bug until the test subjects had. yknow. been tested on.

Cellres bugs have to be put on the nape of the neck, if u feel that little bump from ur spine its just above that

[the-nysh]

All your posts abt Trigun has me wanting to watch/read it now. But like ... How much damage should I expect to recieve from this? Is it Evangelion level type of hurt or what? Is it tragic, traumatic, and homosexual(even just enough to feed my gay brain)? Pls advise.

Yes, there's MUCH emotional damage, but in a good way. That completely devastates and traumatizes you, then heals you with a genuinely hopeful message of love & peace. :'3 (So don't worry, bc despite all the fucked up tragedies and suffering, the ending is still a bittersweet happy one.) The manga is one of those gems that will probably change your life~ and/or go insane with the Feels, as I don't think I've seen any fan who has come out of it emotionally stable or 'ok' 8'D. Extremely worth it, but it's a hard seinen with some pretty difficult/heavy content for some to stomach. And oh yes, from my ace eyes, it was quite disastrously bi too (nothing explicit, but more...Victorian style longing for solace that's subtle/artful in a way I like) - swinging both ways that were meaningful, poignant, and important to the mc in different ways (so yes, Vash has two hands for Wolfwood & Meryl). However, as a fair warning, one of them is perpetually doomed by the narrative, which made me mentally bluescreen when [redacted] happened, that I probably still haven't recovered from to fully process it - so I'll just say, cherish it while it lasts. :')) And don't ignore the women also, because they rock~

Also fyi, the old 98 anime, manga, and new anime are all different tellings of the story. :O So to introduce yourself and get the most out of all the lore, trying it out in release order is probably what I'd recommend (as that's what I did, tho I grew up with the old anime-eng dub first as a kid too.) Note that the old anime has a lot more filler/humorous moments (as it was made before the manga finished, and they characterized the mc as a bit of a skirt-chaser for some outdated gags, when he's not Like That in the actual manga and new series at all, so just Be Aware that that's a thing you can ignore) so it tells a different story than what the manga becomes, but to slowly introduce you to [The Pain] that happens around mid-way, the old anime can 'gently' prepare you for the meat of the manga, because oh, it goes way harder than anything the old anime showed. :'3

And the current Stampede anime is utilizing manga-only endgame elements/lore in new ways that are fun to catch if you've already read the manga too (and I'd say in vibe it's much closer/accurate to the manga's too, meaning there's not much relation it has to the old anime, so you can safely separate them), but just don't expect the new anime to be exactly like the other two either, as it's still its own separate thing - so that means, all in all, Trigun is 'holy shit 3 cakes!' worth of content to enjoy~

[heniareth]

Onwards with this AU that is brightening my days so much

To summarize, since messages in DMs get lost easily: the timeline for Novhen and Astala to work things out between them would be:

Nature of the Beast (Novhen gets to see how the Dalish would react to the cult of Fen’Harel and address his feelings of betrayal (if) when Astala reaffirms that she’ll always be there for him).

Broken Circle (Novhen gets some healing & catharsis and takes an important step to stop blaming himself for Adaia’s death, while Astala has to confront exactly what she did by turning her back on the cult and her mother’s teachings)

Orzammar and the Deep Roads, where nothing much happens except the Horrors(TM)

This is a very difficult subject for them both. City elves can fit so much religious trauma in them (and mages as well, let’s be honest). If it got to the “So I’m not good enough?” “Well you left us for that bleeding prophetess!” conversation, I smell another fight coming U_U Idk if that’s something interesting, but it’d certainly be very emotional (and all the companions would likely be standing there like 0.0 what do we do? do we let them fight? do we step in?). If the fight happens, it could happen before Broken Circle, motivated by the events of NotB, and then be solved with Adaia’s help. Or, it could happen directly after Kinloch Hold, with all of the emotions running high, although that would ruin Novhen’s catharsis and Astala’s contemplative moments. But, like I said, idk if we want to have a second fight to mirror that first one

Urn of Sacred Ashes (Astala’s growing conflict with the Chantry gets to a high point with the discovery of the ghost of Shartan, whom the Chantry erased, and the Urn of Sacred Ashes, which sorta proves Andraste was real for her. I’ll talk a bit more about that in a second since I haven’t expanded on that yet I think)

I don’t know how Astala will solve this conundrum. She still doesn’t like the cult and some of the philosophy, but she sure as hell also doesn’t like the Maker or the Chantry by now. I think this is something that’ll accompany her for years to come yet. At the moment, however, she’s a bit caught between worlds bc she doesn’t quite like either, and that hurts. Astala’s always relied a lot on her support network and her biggest wounds, so to say, come from times when that support network has failed her (Adaia’s death, the kidnapping by Vaughan). Add to that the recently experienced Horrors(TM) of the Deep Roads. It’d mean a ton to her if Novhen lends her an ear and a shoulder to lean on during all of that.

Does that sound about right? Let me know if I missed something

I think directly after UITA, Astala would take the dagger. Fang might come in handy for her at some point as a side weapon, and the tiredness is real after the mess the slavers have made of their home. I don’t think she’d risk a fight or disagreement at that point. Depending on how the process above has been lined out, she might even be like “oh. I’m good enough to hold onto an heirloom from Ma.” She would still feel, however, that the dagger rightfully belongs with Novhen and give it back after the Battle of Denerim. “Here. Your shoulder might be messed up, but you still need something to defend yourself with. And some extra protection from Fen’Harel might come in handy, right?” (kinda conspiratory grin. She may not like the Dread Wolf but he's important to Novhen and he better watch out for him. I am giving Solas the hardest side-glance as I write this)

Novhen being so happy about seeing their ma again is definitely going to make Astala feel even more awkward, you have that spot on! I mean, Astala is glad to see that their ma is alright and at peace and everything else... But, actually, nothing’s okay. She can’t just act like nothing happened, because something definitely happened. Adaia’s probably gonna have to start that conversation

Funny also that both Astala and Novhen get signs that their respective religions are right. Andraste’s ashes do exist (if those are really Andraste’s). Their ma is lingering in the Fade, not anywhere near the Maker’s bosom, and the Dalish do say that the Dread Wolf tries to lead souls astray from their path through the Fade to the Beyond.

Re: Ilanlas. I do hope they’ll get close, at least somewhat. It really depends on the timing of comments and the patience and forgivingess on both sides tho, I think ^^’ The good thing is that during those first days of travel with Duncan, Ilanlas was pretty out of it because of the Blight and the shock of Tamlen’s disappearance. I am crossing my fingers that he’ll have caught himself again somewhat by the time they hit NotB at the very latest. But I won’t know until I get there with my writing U_U

Astala would definitely visit Wycome even without knowing Soris was there, and if anybody knows where Soris is, it’s Novhen 😌😌 It checks out

Also I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU on giving Shianni a long, happy life, whatever her definition of happy is. And I think she could be very happy representing the Alienage. And not end up getting stoned. Please please let that not happen to her. Is having two national heroes as cousins not deterrent enough!? I do like both of the ideas you present, one that the title of hahren isn’t hereditary (because let’s face it, you never know who would inherit that position; meritocracy seems better for communities like an Alienage), and two that there are multiple hahrens. Or maybe one hahren and a council of elders. Especially in a relatively big Alienage like Denerim. A separation of the figure who deals with the external and one or several who deal/s with the internal issues of the Alienage also makes a lot of sense. Valendrian may be a powerhouse of a guy, but he’s the representative. There must’ve been somebody else who did sanitation and support for recently bereft families and so forth. Shianni would make an excellent advocate for the Alienage

You got the reactions to Novhen’s eyes flashing over towards their hiding spot during the war meeting at Ostagar down to a T XD XD XD Astala would be very “oh, it’s Novhen, it’s chill” at first to then seconds later think the thoughts about how much he might’ve changed since their last meeting and how loyal he might be to the wardens. Khêd has definitely been stealing stuff around the camp and has been caught doing so. Duncan’s poor second is at his wit’s end by this point. Sulri knows better than to steal and get caught. And Ilanlas is definitely tensing up right then and there, ready to run. He wouldn’t admit it, but he is worried

I do very much like the idea of Novhen being Warden Commander first. It makes a neat split for the two of them that one becomes arl(essa) and the other the Warden-Commander. This way, Ilanlas also has some time to get better at people-ing AND is spared the worst of the paperwork and can run around killing darkspawn. He’ll be right at home there. And he’ll hopefully still keep Novhen as a reliable guy in his esteem and not cause him too many grey hairs. Would he call Novhen “Commander” as a way to tease, sometimes? Definitely. But one has to liven the life of one’s superiors up a little. Also, I like that this way, Novhen’s decision to leave with Morrigan has more of a hit to it. He should include a “Good luck to Ilanlas with the paperwork” in his letter XD XD XD He’ll hear Ilanlas groan and complain all the way from wherever he is XD XD XD

Regarding Sten’s recruitment: in my canon, after nearly choking over the fact that the Revered Mother suggest 30 silver as a tithe to the Chantry (30 silver!!!!! 60 months of rent!!!!!!), she does very politely ask her to release Sten into her custody. And it works! She doesn’t have Leliana with her by that point, but she manages! Because she pays those bloody thirty silvers and it eats her up for the better part of the next few months. 30 silver!!!!! If she’d been able to pickpocket the good woman, she would’ve done so instead. Honestly, she’ll like Novhen’s approach much better

Also, Astala would think the scene with Radka clinging to Alistair to avoid falling up into the sky the funniest thing she’s seen in months. Expect her laugh to be a bit histerical, because by that point she just wants out of Orzammar, but it’s a laugh nonetheless

And I mean, getting a concussion and falling unconscious really isn’t hard to achieve. I once blacked out from a football to the head. If we just think of being reduced to 0 hitponts as falling unconscious (not actively dying like in DnD, and in Dragon Age the characters do just stay unconscious without rolling death saves or anything), then getting whacked over the head with a shield by an overexcited guard should do the trick. Maybe he got whacked twice bc he wouldn’t stay down after the first hit. If you want, though, we can definitely do it so Novhen was already a bit roughened up from the scuffles in the dungeons. Maybe somebody went for his head there already, and now that last hit when he tried to sneak away did the trick. They wouldn’t even be wearing helmets during the infiltration of the arl of Denerim’s estate, right?

If Novhen cautions subtlety, Astala’s definitely gonna hold herself to that. Purges are still a very real danger, and the Alienage cannot handle a second purge so close after the last one. And even if by that point they don’t know anything about that first purge, I think avoiding one in the first place would’ve been drilled into their heads by Adaia and others from a very early age on.Novhen being unable to fight would also push her towards not doing anything drastic. No need to put his life into any danger because she’s angry

And the bar might be in hell, but here the Tabrises are, limbo dancing with the devil (can’t take credit for that one. It’s from a tumblr post). And hey, Anora not being involved in the slave trade is... I mean, it sure is something! (laughing externally, crying internally). It’s good that Novhen and Astala are both on their guard around her, but there’s not much more they can do. For the time being, they need her support in front of the Landsmeet. Unless they want to force Alistair to be king, and neither of them wants that. They have a history with being forced into things they didn’t want (:

(Also, I do have a Cousland in the works 😌😌😌 Edmund, noble as they come, greatsword-wielding warrior, Astala’s personal nightmare. He means well but he’s got no clue XD XD XD I don’t think he’d try to wrestle control over the Landsmeet from Novhen though.

...

Unless? 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

Nah, just kidding)

Twins AU (Round 2)

Since our original post exchange got a tad bit long, @bumblerhizal I’m starting a new one here ^^ First, a few things on the doodles: I’m still cackling XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD Especially about Amell (Pavle) going all “woe is me! 😩😩😩” over the dirt on his favorite robe while these two Alienage kids with probably multiple patches and mends on their clothes just look at each other like “can you believe this guy” XD XD XD XD XD XD XD It’s sooooooooo good and I am now imagining Pavle coming face to face with Sigrun’s particular brand of cheerful dead inside XD XD XD The official Grey Warden merch is amazing and our guys are great models. I really want that on a shirt now (and I could, now that I think of it. Ooooooh it’s tempting). I love Valendrian’s grey hair counter. The expression is on point XD XD XD The Plum of Peace should be a Feastday gift. And it’s very good to see reference for Radka, Pavle and Mr Andras (Who looks so kind!!!!!) Mousevhen is absolutely adorable. I want to give him all the pickled beets in the world

Keep reading

[infinitefandomimagines]

Scarred - Zuko x Reader

WARNINGS: ARGUING, BURN SCARS, ANGST

-

REQUEST: zuko x reader where the reader is the last one to forgive zuko at the western air temple bc he accidentally hurt her in the crystal catacombs and than zuko goes to her tent, begging for forgiveness and she shows him the scar he gave her and it’s super fluffy:33

-

"Y/N. . . what do you say?" All eyes landed on you, waiting for your response to Aang's question. However, there was only one pair of eyes in particular you glared back at; and if looks could kill, the recently renounced Fire Nation prince in front of you would've surely met his demise right then. But Zuko knew how to hold himself in front of those who wanted to intimidate him. If there was anything his father taught him, it was that much.

Despite your fiery stare and previous threats from the first time he pleaded for forgiveness that you'd "knock him on his ass" if he ever came near you again, he kept his composure. There was no doubt in his mind you'd stay true to that warning, which is why he made sure to keep enough distance between the two of you.

There was a hopeful gleam in his eyes, so far Aang, Sokka, Katara, and Toph had agreed to let him join the team, albeit some more hesitantly than others. If everyone else found it in their hearts to forgive and forget, surely you could as well. Wrong.

"No."

You saw the last bit of hope fizzle from his eyes as defeat weighed down on him, causing his shoulders to sink and his head to drop. "I know you don't trust me, I don't blame you. I've done horrible things, hurt you and your friends-"

"You can't even begin to imagine the amount of pain you've caused me!" Your words held a venomous sting, yet your tone was strained, calm almost.

"Y/N," Katara stepped up behind you, her voice was soft. You could barely feel the hand she'd placed on your left shoulder, thick and itchy bandages blocking her attempt at comfort. "I don't like it either, but Aang needs to learn fire bending."

"I really believe he's changed, give him a chance to-"

You cut Aang off, finally breaking your gaze from Zuko to face the young monk. "He's already had too many chances!"

No one could admit that you were wrong, not even Zuko. Because every time he'd faught against your little group of rag-tag heroes, you'd given him a chance. Even while the rest of team avatar faught the exiled prince, you never threw a single blow that wasn't defensive or to save your friends. Instead, you'd offer him a chance to join the right side. Of course, he never accepted, but you saw the benefits of your kindness when he'd began to show a sense of mercy against you. There was something in your head telling you he was more than just a villain.

But that mindset changed when you and the gang faught against him and his sister in the crystal catacombs. When Aang almost died. When he chose the Fire Nation's side. When he'd made sure to leave you a permanent reminder of that day.

After a few moments of tense silence, you let out an impatience scoff. "Leave, Zuko. I gave you my answer, the least you can do is respect it."

Reluctantly, he nodded, mumbling out an apology before turning on his heels. He only got in a few steps before Aang interjected.

"Zuko, stop."

He did, glancing over his shoulder, ready to hear what Aang had to say.

"I'm sorry, Y/N, but Zuko is staying. I need need to learn fire bending and he's my only option. I really believe he's changed for the better."

"You don't have to forgive him, but Aang's right, we need him," Sokka added in, to which Toph agreed.

You took in their words, it was obvious they weren't up for debate. You hated that they were right, you all did need Zuko, no matter your current opinion on him.

"Fine," you sighed, looking at Zuko, who was now standing awkwardly with his hands behind his back. "But stay away from me."

Over the next few days, Zuko had somehow managed to gain the complete and utter trust of everyone, even Katara. Everyone except you. Then again, you hadn't had your "life changing field trip with Zuko" that made everyone seemingly forget about everything he'd ever done to them. Field trip or not, earning your trust wasn't going to be that easy. You didn't care how many times he made everybody tea and told cringey jokes.

"Where did you learn to make so many different types of tea?" Aang inquired, causing everyone to look at Zuko, wanting to hear his answer.

Zuko returned to his seat around the fire between Toph and Aang, finally finished handing out small cups of tea. "My uncle, it's his favorite thing to make, he even owned a tea shop at one point."

"You mean the one you betrayed," you deadpanned coldly. You flicked your eyes up from the warm cup of tea in your hands to Zuko, wanting to see his reaction.

His smile faultered, and katara shot a disapproving look at you. For a second you felt guilty, maybe that was too far. He looked genuinely hurt by your comment, but soon another emotion took over his features. You could see it in the way he clenched his jaw and sat up straighter.

"Yeah. That one." His tone was one of poorly restrained bitterness, you'd definitely struck a nerve.

You hummed in response, refusing to break eye contact with him, like you were challenging him to say something equally as cold, but he didn't take the bait. Instead, he took a deep breath, just like his uncle taught him.

"I don't get it," He asked, frustrated and fed up with your snarky comments and side eyes. "Everyone else trusts me, why can't you?"

"You really have to ask?"

Katara could feel the tension and awkwardness of the impending argument hanging over everyone. This wasn't the time nor place to be having this conversation.

"I think now would be a good time for another healing session," she interjected, giving you a look that informed you she wasn't exactly asking. With a frustrated huff, you stood up and made your way to your tent, not even waiting for Katara to follow.

You plopped down onto your sleeping bag, sitting with your left side towards the opening.

Katara was there in a few minutes, holding a medium sized bowl of water in her hands. She gently set it down on the ground, taking a seat on your sleeping bag as well, facing your left side.

You tugged your left sleeve down so you could free it. With your shoulder now exposed, she carefully removed the bandages that covered your shoulder and the side of your neck, revealing the red and scarred skin hidden underneath.

"How does it look?" You asked, attempting to ignore the itchy feeling of the fresh air hitting your wound.

"It's healing, slowly" she answered as she conjured the water from the bowl and molded it with her hands. She purified the liquid, causing it it glow. Slowly, she lowered it until the cool water molded over your injured skin. You clenched your teeth and whimpered at the sudden sting the contact made, but then Katara started making circular motions with her hands, beginning the healing process. The stinging pain soon morphed into a comforting cold and relieving sensation.

Katara had done this for you and Aang multiple times since the gang escaped from that wretched crystal catacomb. As much progress as your skin had made in healing, you couldn't seem to wipe the painful memories of how you'd recieved such a wound from your mind. You could remember the events so vividly it was as if they'd happened yesterday.

You were stalling, Zuko and Azula knew that, yet they didn't seem to mind. If anything, Azula enjoyed watching you struggle to give your friends more time. You needed to stall them long enough for Aang to fully enter the avatar state, that's all.

"Come on, Zuko, you know what needs to be done!" Azula coaxed.

"No! You still have a chance Zuko, you can still make this right!" You could see the conflict rising in him as you and Azula tugged at his morals.

There was a moment, a single second where his emotions betrayed him, where you could see how badly he wanted to go with you and the gang. But it was gone just as fast as it came.

"I will kill the avatar and restore my honor, as well as my rightful place beside my father!" He launched into action, sending overpowering blows your way.

He kept you distracted and unable to help your friends long enough for Azula to strike down Aang. Your head snapped towards Katara's screams and you saw him laying there, completely unconscious.

You were distracted, and Zuko impulsively took advantage, sending a blast of orange and red flames towards you.

In all honesty, he expected you to dodge it, you always did without fail. But this time you were too distracted, too concerned with Aang, and he caught you completely off guard. You didn't even realize you were being attacked until the flames painfully scorched your skin.

You let out a horrifying scream as you crumbled to your knees, your shaky hand hovering over your left shoulder as you tried to control your instinct to grab it, knowing it would only hurt worse. You clenched your teeth together, biting back tears as you whipped your head around go see Zuko.

He looked shocked, remorseful even, but that didn't stop anger from edging its way into your glare.

You shuddered at the memory and tried to shake it from your head completely.

"You're all done," Katara said, maneuvering the water back into the bowl. A dull ache returned to your wound, but it felt significantly better than before.

"Thanks, Katara," you mumbled.

"Do you need help rewrapping the bandages?"

You shook your head, preferring to be alone and do the difficult task by yourself. Katara seemed to understand, because she didn't push the issue like she usually would. Instead, she left you with a few words.

"What you said was too far tonight, you should really apologize to Zuko, he is trying you know?"

She didn't wait for a response, not that you planned on giving much of one anyway, but soon you were alone, relishing in the peaceful silence.

But your silence didn't last long, just a few minutes after Katara left there was a whispering voice just outside your tent. It was unmistakable who'd come to visit you, and with great reluctance did you let him in.

"What do you want?" you asked, annoyance filling your voice. You refused to make eye contact with the boy, opting to stare at the mess of tangled bandages in your hands.

Your question was met with silence, that only seemed to worsen your mood. Really? He invades your tent just to ignore your one question? This guy was just unbelievable!

You could feel yourself loosing your temperature once again. "I said, what do you-" Your head snapped up at Zuko, ready to tell him off. But you froze when you saw his gaze, and how it held your figure. His jaw was slack, and his eyes swam as tears pooled at his lash-line. But his eyes never met yours. No, his focus was completely on the uncovered scar that graced your left side.

Your shoulder had taken most of the impact, just shy of being completely colored with a dull red scar. But the wound didn't stop there, covering a decent portion of your shoulder blade. The red marking also stretched up in a jagged stripe, narrowing to a point on the side of your neck, just barely marking your cheek.

You hated how you shuddered under his gaze, and had to look away. Your fingers moving faster as your tried to unravel the tangled bandage. You wanted to cover the burned area as soon as possible.

"I- I did that." It wasn't a question. He spoke purely in matter-of-fact statements, he knew exactly where you'd received your mark from.

"Yeah." You said sharply, picking up the bandage and moving to re-wrap the large wound.

"I . . . I am so sorry-"

"You've said."

Re-wrapping the affected area was proving to be more difficult than you'd thought, especially in your heightened state or frustration. Usually Katara did this part, and you were starting to regret sending her away.

"Please, let me help you," Zuko pleaded, reaching a shaky hand out to grasp at the bandage in your grip. You immediately flinched away from him, the sudden movement sending a sharp pain through your left side.

"Stay away from me!" You bit at him.

Zuko immediately pulled his hand back from you, as if he'd burned you unintentionally for a second time. "I'm sorry," he impulsively spilled out.

"Would you stop saying that? Stop apologizing, nothing is going to make me- ow!" Your own pain cut your sentence short, the sharp pain returning, sending another shock wave up your side at your frustrated movements.

"I'm so- just, please, let me help you and then I'll leave you alone, I promise."

You took a moment to think about the offer, and as much as you didn't want his help, the promise for him to leave is what enticed you to agree. So reluctantly, you handed him the bandages and positioned yourself closer to him, allowing Zuko to access your wound and wrap it with ease.

With slow movements, Zuko began wrapping the burned area. His touch was suprisingly gentle, even more so than Katara's, something you hadn't thought possible. But even with his feather-like touch, your skin still twitched as his fingers and the bandages made contact with the more sensitive areas. Zuko muttered out small apologies each time you flinched, despite your earlier message to stop that. Though the skin had begun the early stages of scarring, it was still sensitive.

"Uh, d-did I ever tell you how I got my scar?" Zuko asked suddenly, not even bothering to look up from his task. You knew what he was doing, he'd been doing things like that since he got here, trying to make small talk with you to cover up the awkward tension. You usually never entertained it, but for some reason tonight you felt intrigued by his question.

"No." You answered shortly, trying your best not to show your growing interest. You'd always been curious about the scar.

"My father gave it to me," he stated, oddly calmly. It was almost mindless the way he told the story as he continued to carefully wrap up your injury. Like the memory had become second nature to tell.

"Oh," you whispered out softly, your mind buzzing with a million different ways to respond to him, yet none of them felt right.

"I spoke out of turn during a meeting, over a general. They wanted to sacrifice an entire division of fire nation soldiers to gain the advantage. But I-," He swallowed thickly. ". . . I thought that was wrong so I spoke up."

You nodded ever so slightly, letting out a soft hum, showing that you were still listening and waiting for him to continue. At this point Zuko had finished wrapping the bandages around your burn, allowing you to turn your body to face him fully.

"My father was furious with my disrepect towards the general. He said that the dispute would need to be resolved with an agni kai, and I accepted. And when the day came I thought I'd be fighting the general I interrupted, but then my father walked out, my agni kai was to be against him."

With each word you felt your heart grow heavier and ache for the boy you swore you hated. You were beginning to question whether you genuinely hated him or if what you truly felt was left over betrayal and anger.

"How old were you?" You finally asked the question that had been bouncing around your head since he began the story.

"Thirteen, not long before I was banished."

You felt yourself boil with anger, but for once it wasn't directed towards the boy in front of you. No, you were furious with the Fire Lord. Who could do that to someone? To a child. Zuko must not have noticed the way your jaw clenched and your fists tightened into balls, because he continued the story as if he hadn't just made your heart drop into your stomach with his answer.

"I didn't want to fight my father, I couldn't. But he took my refusal as another sign of disrespect. I begged for his forgiveness, but he wouldn't hear it. He claimed that I would learn my lesson through suffering. He raised his hand just in front of my face and then he-"

His voice caught in his throat with a crack as he visibly grimaced from the sheer memory of the event. Instinctively, you reached out for his hand, placing yours over top of his much larger one. Now it was his turn to flinch at the sudden contact.

"Zuko, it's okay, you don't have to tell me this, I understand-"

"No! I do! I need you to understand that I never meant to hurt you! I need you to know that the last thing I wanted was for you to feel the same pain I did. After what my father did, I never wanted to inflict that on anyone. I knew that pain and yet I still hurt you . . . the one person who actually believed I could change!"

His hands flew into the air as his frustrated yells of regret were lost to the silent night. He then exasperatedly brought his arms back down and dropped his head into the palms of his hands. His body shook as he took in deep breaths, trying his best not to shed any tears. He was just so frustrated with himself.

"I thought you would dodge it," His muffled whimpers poured out. "You always dodged it."

It was then that you realized how cold you'd been to the boy. You were so caught up in your own hurt and anger, only concerned with making him feel as horrible as you had with your hurtful words. Not once had you considered that he was already kicking himself ten times harder for the pain he'd caused you. He really hadn't meant to hurt you.

And that's when you did something unexpected. In an impulsive attempt to comfort him, you threw your arms around his neck, pulling him in to a hug. His breath hitched, obviously shocked by the gesture, his body going stiff.

"I understand now, I forgive you, Zuko."

At those seven words he melted into your embrace, returning it as he wrapped his arms around your figure. His chin now rested on top of your good shoulder, as he was being extra cautious as to not press on your burns.

"And I'm sorry, for what I said about you and your uncle. He'd be proud of you."

His grip on you tighten, mumbling out a 'thank you,' in the process, finally feeling as though he could fully begin healing from all the wrong he'd done.

-

TAGLIST: @theepartygetsmewetter  

[robininthelabyrinth]

🧿🤠🐇🍲🍯: Lan Wangji does not think it’s safe to raise A-Yuan in Cloud Recesses after the Lans participated in the killing of his zhiji and the entire Burial Mounds community (or more accurately that it’s not safe while he himself is in seclusion and can’t watch over A-Yuan, at least) so he delivers A-Yuan to the one person who he knows did not stand against Wei Wuxian (and got away with it, bc this person has never stood against anything, since standing takes effort): Nie Huaisang.

Little Side Door - ao3

Nie Huaisang’s rooms in the Unclean Realm had a little side door that no one but him ever used.

They hadn’t originally. The Unclean Realm was a fortress, designed to maximize protection and defense; there was no better place for keeping things safe by locking them away. While it had its fair share of boltholes and escape routes, they were not common and universally difficult to access lest the enemy learn of them and use them to their advantage. Even the layout of their open spaces were carefully planned lest the attack come from the sky, a concern that only cultivators had, and not about how they themselves could escape – after all, weren’t they all Nie, ready to die rather than endure dishonor?

The little side door that led to Nie Huaisang’s room opened onto a small rock garden, left to grow wild with weeds rather than reveal its presence to more people. It existed only because his brother had ordered it constructed by those he trusted most, all in secret in the dark of the night. He had never explained why he had gone to such lengths to create such an unwelcome and inauspicious place, but then, he hadn’t needed to – Nie Huaisang had been there, too, when his father had descended into madness and they had been trapped in the familial quarters with no way out that did not take them through him. If his brother had been the one to brave his father’s rage directly, Nie Huaisang had been the one stuck in a small space that was only not claustrophobic because it was so painfully familiar.

Now, though his father was long dead and gone, Nie Huaisang had a little side door.

A little side door, and a little garden that almost no one knew about; in combination with the saber that his brother forced him to learn and the golden core he had so begrudgingly formed, he now had a way to reach the sky and the illusive freedom it represented – the freedom to flee and leave his home behind.

If it ever happens again – his brother had said once, the closest he had ever come to speaking of it.

He did not finish his sentence, as Nie Huaisang had thrown his plate into his face and stormed off, steaming mad and close to tears. He did not raise the subject a second time.

Nie Huaisang did not often use his little side door.

Although he enjoyed gardens, he preferred the aviary he’d constructed, or one of the myriad of well-tended gardens in the main part of the sect; even the vegetable gardens out back beside the kitchens were far more welcoming than that sparse straggle of land. He’d only ever spent time there when he was a child and in desperate need of some quiet, wanting to avoid adults with their arguments and their miseries; he’d taken some friends there because he thought it might impress them, but it hadn’t, and anyway his brother had put a stop to that soon enough.

He didn’t even think about the little side door, most days. It was just a part of the room, a small tucked away corner with nothing in it. Nothing to think about.

And then, of course, years after he’d put it out of his mind entirely, there came a terrible banging noise at that little side door, like someone was kicking at it furiously from the outside.

Nie Huaisang nearly fell over sideways in his scramble to get up, and then once again when he realized where the noise was coming from – almost no one knew about his side door and its little garden, and so no one had ever come to him through it. Who would be knocking now…?

He opened it.

Lan Wangji, white robes stained with blood and cheeks bright with fever, shoved something into his arms. “You have a child now,” he said through bitten lips. “Congratulations. He is called A-Yuan. I entrust you with his care, for my sect cannot be trusted with it.”

And then he turned and staggered away, mounting up on Bichen and flying off before Nie Huaisang could say anything – before he could even finish searching his memories and recalling that yes, in fact, Lan Wangji had been one of the friends he had shown the side door to, years and years before, and thus knew how to find it. Before he could even start processing the thousands of thoughts that had spring to life, fully formed, at all the information he’d just received: the bloody robes, the desperation, the reference to the Lan sect – the Lan sect! – being somehow untrustworthy…

He looked down at his arms.

“Congratulations,” he echoed blankly. “I have a child now.”

The child blinked up at him, and then smiled.

-

“Da-ge!” Nie Husiang howled, rushing into the sect leader’s study where his brother was doing work – luckily it wasn’t receiving hours and he wasn’t in the main hall, as that would have been unfortunate. “Da-ge, you have to help me! I have a child now!”

His brother stared at him, expression blank and mouth slightly agape. The brush in his hand dripping ink onto a now-wasted piece of paper.

“Huaisang,” he said after a moment. “What the fuck.”

Nie Huaisang nodded furiously.

“Where did you get – how – who – what did you do?!”

“I am currently unable to disclose any details,” Nie Huaisang said promptly even as his brother tossed aside the brush and got up, striding over with a storm brewing in his face. “All I can say is that I have to raise this child now. By which I mean, you have to help me raise this child now; I can’t raise children! I’m not mature enough to raise a child!”

“No kidding! Why would someone entrust – to you…” Nie Mingjue trailed off, looking down at the child with a frown that shifted from disbelieving irritation to concern. He pressed his hand to the child’s forehead. “Huaisang, this child has a high fever. We need to get him to the medical wing at once – is that blood?”

“Not his, I don’t think?”

“I don’t want to know,” his brother decided. “Move.”

Some time later, they were both sitting next to the bed in one of the spare rooms in the family quarters; Nie Huaisang thought it might even have been the same one that he’d used when he was very young. A-Yuan was sleeping, and Nie Mingjue was still holding his little hand in his own, having been clocked as the oversize comfort animal that he not-so-secretly was from the very first moment A-Yuan laid eyes on him.

The doctors had declared A-Yuan’s fever to be very severe, but they had applied plenty of medicine – the Lan sect might have more esoteric healing techniques, but there wasn’t anything like the Nie sect when it came to standard medicine for injuries and illnesses associated with the battlefield, and despite A-Yuan’s tender age Nie Huaisang would be willing to bet that his injuries were from a battlefield. They were confident that A-Yuan would make a full recovery, body and mind both intact, although they warned that his memory of the past might be impacted.

Nie Huaisang had thought about all that blood that wasn’t his, of Lan Wangji pale-faced and wild-eyed, and decided that a little bit of forgetting might not be so bad after all.

“Are you going to tell me anything more,” his brother said after a while. “Or should I just give up now?”

Nie Huaisang leaned over and patted his knee. “It’s good that you know your limitations.”

His brother rolled his eyes.

“I can’t believe this is my life,” he remarked.

“What part?” Nie Huaisang asked, curious. “The fact that we have a kid now, because obviously we’re keeping him? Or the fact that someone gave a kid to me?”

“Both,” his brother decided. “Definitely both.”

-

“His name’s A-Yuan,” Nie Huaisang said. “Apparently.”

“Well,” his brother said. “Obviously that won’t do.”

-

Nie Huaisang had the ability to be sneaky when he wanted to be. It wasn’t a matter of stealth, he had explained to his brother, but sneakiness– a completely different concept. Stealth suggested that he was doing something to conceal himself and required skills and talent, or else a lot of practice, and obviously Nie Huaisang was not going to go in for either of those.

Sneakiness, though…

He didn’t need people not to be able to see him in order to be sneaky. He just needed them not to care about him, or wonder where he was.

“Psst,” he said, knocking on the window to the rooms where Lan Wangji was purportedly practicing seclusion. “Psst! Lan Zhan!”

Lan Wangji had given him a child. They were definitely past the ‘Lan-er-gongzi’ stage.

“Lan Zhan!” he rapped at the window with his fan. “We need a courtesy name!”

There was some sounds from within the jingshi, mostly stumbling around. Nie Huaisang waited patiently, and after a few moments the window opened and Lan Wangji stared out at him. He was as pale as a ghost with lips as red as blood, and very clearly not in seclusion at all, but rather in the midst of healing whatever wounds had left him bloody – he probably shouldn’t have gotten out of bed to answer.

Oh, well. Too late for regret now.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Lan Wangji said, voice dull and eyes blank as he stared at Nie Huaisang. It was unclear if he meant in the Cloud Recesses generally, or here in particular, interrupting his ‘seclusion’.

“Didn’t you hear me?” Nie Huaisang said, scowling at him. “We need a courtesy name! A courtesy name for the child, you hear me? You know, of course, that Qinghe Nie don’t use personal names, not even for children – certainlynot for children older than their first year. It’d be a complete giveaway that he’s not organically ours if we call him something like A-Yuan.”

Lan Wangji raised a hand to pinch his nose. “Please go away.”

“Courtesy name, Lan Zhan. I mean, I may be the one who’ll be raising him, but please think carefully: do you really want meto be the one naming him?”

“…call him Sizhui.”

“Sizhui,” Nie Huaisang repeated. “With the characters…?”

Lan Wangji nodded.

“Uh, no,” Nie Huaisang said. “I need a bettercourtesy name. Are you joking?”

“Nie Huaisang. Go away.”

“But –”

Lan Wangji slammed the window shut.

“…fine,” Nie Huaisang said to the closed window. “Be that way, see if I care. Not like we don’t need to build up a decent coparenting relationship or anything eventually.”

He thought he heard a choking sound from behind the door and smirked.

“Don’t you think you can baby-trap me and just walk away, Lan Zhan,” he said in his best ominous tone. “If you wanted someone to raise your kid without ever consulting you again, you should’ve dropped him off in the Lotus Pier with Jiang Cheng, who’d probably be too busy being confused to even question where he came frome – but no. You came to me. I don’t make decisions in the best of times, least of all good. I have questions. A lot of questions.”

He thought about it for a moment.

“Not about how you got him or anything like that,” he said. “I’m not stupid, I can tell a secret when I see one. But, you know, other types of questions. Parenting stuff. Are you a ‘go sit and think about what you’ve done’ sort of parent? Or more traditional discipline, with copying lines and occasionally strikes when they’re naughty? Do you want him to learn the Lan sect rules along with the Nie sect principles –”

There was a muffled sound from inside the house.

It sounded angry.

“…we can talk about it later,” Nie Huaisang decided. He might’ve pushed his luck a bit too much. “Talk later!”

-

“You have a…what?” Lan Xichen asked, his smile a little fixed and stare a little wilder than normal.

“A nephew!” Nie Mingjue gushed. “Isn’t he wonderful?”

“Nephew.”

“He’s so well behaved, too! He plays quietly by himself most of the time, drawing and even writing a little, and Huaisang’s already teaching him how to play the dizi –”

“When you say nephew, do you mean Nie Huaisang’s child?”

“Do I have other brothers?” Nie Mingjue rolled his eyes at him. “He’s obviously not yours. Anyway, I know Meng Yao is expecting one, too, but he wouldn’t be dressed in Nie colors if it was his, would it?”

“Yes, but…are you telling me that…that Nie Huaisang…”

“It’s a battlefield child, Xichen,” Nie Mingjue said patiently. “Obviously. Someone entrusted him to Huaisang.”

“Oh,” Lan Xichen said, looking relieved. “Yes, that makes more sense…wait.”

Nie Mingjue waited.

“Someone entrusted him to Nie Huaisang?”

“I know, right?” Nie Mingjue said, and Lan Xichen didn’t notice how strained his grin had suddenly become, or how thoughtful his eyes were as he surveyed Lan Xichen as if trying to find an answer to a question. “I would’ve assumed they’d go for someone more responsible, like you. Guess you never know…”

“I guess you don’t,” Lan Xichen agreed, looking down at the child with a bemused expression. A battlefield child, entrusted to Nie Huaisang… “They must have been truly driven to desperation.”

“Perhaps,” Nie Mingjue said, and then changed the subject to little Nie Sizhui’s accomplishments, of which he could list many at great length and very great enthusiasm. By the time he was done with that, Ln Xichen was so overwhelmed that he didn’t ask a single other question.

-

“So I’ve got an idea on how to do this whole co-parenting thing,” Nie Huaisang said, cracking nuts to eat. He was sitting next to Lan Wangji’s bedside, and dropping the shells straight on the floor, too, staring dead-eyed at Lan Wangji as if daring him to say something – which he wouldn’t, of course. “Since with Sizhui starting classes soon it’s become much more urgent, on account of me needing you to attend meetings with his teachers and discuss his progress.”

Lan Wangji looked deeply long-suffering. He’d only invited Nie Huaisang inside because Nie Huaisang had threatened to start shouting out his business loudly on account of oh but Lan Zhan, how was I to know if you could hear me in there, I just had to raise my voice just in case because I wouldn’t want you to miss any of the extremelyimportant news –

It was all Lan Wangji’s fault for being born earlier than Nie Huaisang, Nie Huaisang thought virtuously. It was merely Nie Huaisang’s lot in life to fulfill the role of annoying younger brother to everyone.

“See, it’s the music,” Nie Huaisang continued. “You do music, right?”

Lan Wangji’s ice-cold glare suggested that he did, in fact, ‘do music’.

“So your brother has been playing this song for da-ge on a regular basis,” Nie Huaisang explained, ignoring the glare entirely. “And when he’s not available, which is most of the time nowadays, he’s been sending san-ge instead. Even though, of course, poor san-ge’s so busy back at Lanling all the time…ughh, it’s so unfair, you know! Poor san-ge has to do all the work of being the heir and gets none of the benefits, and they pile even more work on him on top of that – really, he gets no respect.”

Lan Wangji’s expression suggested he didn’t care.

“And think about the inconvenience to us!” Nie Huaisang sallied forth, undeterred. “People coming and going all the time, da-ge having to interrupt his schedule of spending quality time with me and Sizhui – and sect leader work, of course, though that’s less important – in order to march over to greet them and host them and listen to them…what a pain it is!”

Lan Wangji appeared on the verge of suggesting that Nie Huaisang consider getting to the point.

“So you should come do it instead.”

Lan Wangji’s expression cracked, suggesting that Nie Huaisang had actually managed to make an impact.

“You remember,” he said, voice low and a little hoarse from all that refusing to speak he’d been doing. Really, if Nie Huaisang wasn’t around to goad him into it, he might’ve lost the voice entirely – he didn’t even have little Sizhui around to force him to speak! “That I’m in seclusion. Right?”

“You’re horribly lonely is what you are,” Nie Huisang said briskly. “You require company. Therefore, coming to take up a semi-permanent posting in the Unclean Realm to play the Song of Clarity for my brother morning, noon, and night is clearly the finest way to solve all of our problems, and for you to see little Sizhui as often as you like.”

Lan Wangji visibly wavered. “My brother,” he said, then coughed. “My brother will never believe it.”

“That’s your problem,” Nie Huaisang said. “Find a way to sell it.”

He stood, shaking the remaining shells onto the chair.

“See you in Qinghe soon, Lan Zhan..!”

Lan Wangji was trying to kill him with his mind, Nie Huaisang thought happily as he wandered off with a whistle and a vaguely silly expression. Good – he’d been inside for too long. He needed the stimulation.

-

“Truly,” Nie Mingjue remarked, strolling around their gardens without any apparent notice of the small child perched on his shoulders, giggling wildly at the feeling of being tall, “I feel far better than I did before! One can scarcely compare it – night and day, really. Your Lan sect’s Song of Clarity is a marvel, even if it does take a while before it kicks in.”

“Mm,” Lan Wangji said, walking slowly with his hands behind his back. He was still unsteady on his feet on account of the absolutely horrific injuries he’d incurred – but if the Lan sect’s response to everything was seclusion, seclusion, seclusion, then the Nie sect’s equivalent response was exercise. These little excursions through the gardens were the result.

Thus far, they were still only doing laps around the main gardens, but Nie Huaisang had plans to eventually force Lan Wangji to go even as far as his own little side garden. He’d made it through his side door once, after all; why not a second time..?

At any rate, Nie Huaisang still wasn’t quite sure how Lan Wangji had talked Lan Xichen into allowing him to come to the Unclean Realm, but it really did make the whole co-parenting business a lot more convenient. And his brother had had so much fun making Lan Wangji stiff and awkward over all his thanks and praise for his decision to come ‘help out’ with Nie Sizhui’s raising until finally, at last, Nie Huaisang had taken pity and revealed that Nie Mingjue knew perfectly well whose battlefield child this was.

Both in terms of who had gifted him to Nie Huaisang, and who’d adopted him originally, and of course even his original surname – The little tot’s been through enough adoptions to make anyone’s head spin, his brother had said, his voice gruff as always. There’s no point in thinking back too far, is there?

Lan Wangji had been very relieved.

“Run, bobo!” Nie Sizhui cried, pointing over at a bird. “We need to get it for Sang-gege!”

Nie Mingjue snorted like a bull but obediently quickened his feet and left the rest of them behind, heading in full charge straight at the wild pheasant that was far more likely to end up on Nie Huaisang’s plate than in his aviary. It was about even odds which one Nie Sizhui meant, anyway.

“Nie Huaisang,” Lan Wangji said, his voice low, and Nie Huaisang looked at him. “The Song of Clarity does not take time to work. These effects should have happened at once.”

Nie Huaisang opened his fan, hiding his face as he frowned. “How odd,” he said. “And after san-ge put in all that hard work.”

“Perhaps he played it wrong.”

“Odd,” Nie Huaisang said again. “When san-ge gets so very little wrong…has your brother sent any word on the Xue Yang issue?”

“…he has not.”

“He’s going to need to pick a side eventually.”

“He does not want to make things difficult for his sworn brother.”

“Does he have only the one?” Nie Huaisang asked archly, and Lan Wangji averted his gaze. “It’s awkward for us if he doesn’t back us, and is a bad look besides…truly, it’s a wonder that san-ge managed to squeeze out the time to come here.”

Lan Wangji’s frown deepened. “Indeed,” he said. “One would think his father might be tempted to stop him.”

“Wouldn’t you just?” Nie Huaisang said. “Wouldn’t you just…you know, maybe when you’re feeling better, we should go visit Lanling ourselves.”

Lan Wangji glanced at him, arching an eyebrow, and Nie Huaisang smiled, fanning himself casually.

“I’m not the only one with a little side door,” he said. “Let’s go knocking and see what we find, shall we?”

[atherix]

Hello! I’m a big fan of the midnight series! My friends and I scream about it regularly. I have been eagerly awaiting these coven meetings and this new chapter didn’t disappoint!

Can you tell us more about elf/vampire Bdubs? How does that combo work? How he came to be with Cleo? Just anything you are willing to share!

Thank you again for the continued effort you put into this epic story :)

Hiii thank you so much~! <3 I'm so glad to hear you enjoyed this chapter, I was worried it would be boring kfskjsdkj!

I will happily answer these <3 I don't have plans to write about it in the main fic (maybe in tumblr exclusives hmhmm) so <3

So! BDubs is an Elemental Elf- specifically, he's a Flora Elf (yep, the Elemental Court is broken into different elements of nature; Flora, Fauna, Fire, Water/Ice, Wind. They do not have ALL elements and stone/earth is not something they have control over)- meaning he has no Light Court magic so his Fae magic is not incompatible with Vampire Magic the way Scar's is. He also has long hair, as is Elven tradition (and also in line with their pantheon) but mostly keeps it under his cloak- which he made himself btw <3 He retains his Elemental magic and also has the standard Vampire magic (Turning, the ability to Feed and process the inherent magic in blood, semi-immortal soul sustained through said magic, healing through blood drinking, etc), but unlike most Vampires he's a "daywalker"- meaning he can walk around in the sunlight without burning. This is great for him ofc, being an Elemental Elf he really likes the sun (even if he doesn't necessarily NEED it). Unfortunately, "daywalking" sort of takes the place of a Vampire's unique magic (one could say the invulnerability to the sun IS their unique magic) so BDubs doesn't have a unique magic like Mumbo's shadow walking or Blondie's teleporting or Cleo's.... well, we'll get to Cleo's in-story so :)

Now! BDubs has been with Cleo for a century or so now. Vampires and Fae are the two longest-lived Supernatural species (below Deities and Lower Deities), so Vampire and Fae society sometimes intermix bc there is something comforting about knowing you're not the only ones watching people around you grow old and die hjfdjkfsd (this is also how Cleo became friends with Scar's mother). Also Fae COULD just stick to their own realm but that can get so lonely and boring so (the King did not start trying to keep Fae in and Human/Human-adjacents out until Scar is born jkgfdk). BDubs and Cleo met at a little party Cleo hosted- now BDubs wasn't a noble within his own Court, he was your pretty average working-class Elf, and he was sent to this party as a sort of- hmm... gardener I guess you could say- get the plants all nice and pretty for the party, as a favor to Cleo who has been a pretty good ally and friend to the Fae for a while now, and it was in the middle of a drought so Cleo was a little miffed about their gardens being a little gray. Remember, this is all pre-war and before Cleo started actively disliking/distrusting the Council even though they were already wary of their interest in Joe, so the concerns were a little more petty back then. BDubs interacted with Cleo a lot in order to get the garden and the plants and everything exactly the way they wanted them, and they ended up bonding during the course of this and Cleo just kinda decided "Huh, I like this funky little Elf, I think I'll keep him if he's game" and BDubs was sooo game for it. Convincing the Fae Courts to let BDubs stay in the Natural world was a little more difficult but hey, when ya know the name of a Fae it's pretty easy to keep them around regardless of what the Courts say ya know? So yeah <3

BDubs is also with Etho, as a special treat to a good friend, and has a couple future partners lined up once he meets them hehe. But other than that hmmmmm I can't think right now hjfgdjkfd if you have more questions I am happy to answer 👀👀

Thank you for enjoying it, I am having so much fun writing it <3

[everyneji]

Reading your last reply makes me want to add my take on Neji's battle mindset (mini?Meta in the ask box!)

Referencing the panel of pyrrhic victory, I think Neji was the type who would give up when the opponent is clearly stronger than him. If he were to battle Gaara who (most probably) would use Shukaku (like he did against Sauce), Neji would raise his hand to withdraw. It wasn't an empty taunt when he suggested Hinata or Naruto to give up. He would've done the same in their position. He's proud, but to him, resistance against an obvious outcome is pointless and foolish.

Naruto raised after being beaten by Neji countless times. But when Naruto punched Neji and Neji fell, he instantly admitted his loss because he realized Naruto was clearly stronger. Still, Naruto gave Neji hope to believe in his innate strength so he's indebted to him. He later processed the lesson and vocalized his goal for the first time (to be stronger than anyone).

Against Kidomaru, if it were pre-TnJ Neji, he would've thought "this is the end" and the battle outcome would've been set. But Neji kept thinking of a way to WIN even when the opponent is clearly stronger (inspired by Naruto), that's how he got the idea to take the arrow head on.

Him saying "I'm not dying so easily" is an extension to this mindset. Finding a reason to take risk against odds doesn't mean he'd want to throw his life away. I think he preferred stubbornly clinging to life rather than dying a heroic death.

But the situation where he died was... Well...

I have my own headcanon to cope bc It feels absurd to think he had no other ways to... hell, carry them, use a replacement jutsu and escape (screw Kishimoto's forced scenario and reasoning. If Neji's Kaiten can't deflect fast projectiles then it can't do crap!)

Whenever I see the panel my immediate thought is that he plainly body-shielded because Hinata did it. He paid respect to Hinata's preparedness to give her life away by showing that he has the same resolve. It could be a mix of his gratefulness, guilt, gentlemanliness, a still-hammered-into-brain formal respect towards "Hinata-sama", a subconscious action that is culmination of it all.

Just my headcanon though.

(Uuf it's a pretty long ask excuse me for this 😩)

Yes, I definitely agree with what you're laying out! Don't feel bad for the long ask, I enjoyed reading it. 😊

I think it's difficult to tell where the line blurs, that is, what is Naruto-induced inspiration and what was the result of logical deduction. The fight with Kidōmaru is about two smart people trying to outthink each other. His victory is clearly meant to echo Naruto's against his, tactics winning against a stronger opponent, but at the same time, his brains did not come from Naruto, and perhaps not (wholly) his desire to survive.

When we skip forward a few years, I think the sad truth (or at least, what Kishimoto intended) was that Neji was not operating at peak capacity. He was exhausted. It wasn't that long before his death that he was laid up, unable to move and apparently legally blind. Though I'll cape for his stamina + chakra stores + fact he can normally spin up when a projectile is an inch from his face, he was at the end of his rope. It's stated twice their techniques can't keep up. His injuries also evoke the ones he receives in the fight against Kidōmaru: his back is struck, his most vulnerable area. In other words, he thematically left himself open.

(My personal headcanon is a great deal more, um, complex and tragic and explores the lasting effects of suicidal ideation, but I save that for my sandbox.)

What I think is funny is imagining it going something like this: Neji sees the projectiles headed for Naruto, goes, "Well, he's a tank with an OP self-heal so this is fine," and then Hinata jumped in front of Naruto and he just went, "Oh, fuck it, fine ...." and by that point he really didn't have enough time to work.

Jokes aside, wrt his motivation I think Hinata being involved no doubt reinforced his decision, but notably his last words are entirely about and for Naruto. Effectively, he would have done the same thing if only Naruto was in danger (as I wish it had been written, because his history with Hinata is so complicated it muddies things.) Think of it this way: all our talk about Neji being practical and knowing when to sit back, and Neji going from this:

to:

So yes, he is showing the same resolve as Hinata, and I think it's a broader culmination of him coming to understand why Hinata would make the choices she did. Notably Naruto was a linchpin to saving the day in both scenarios, so the decision to prioritize Naruto's life is never really the question, which, hmm. Anyway, It's an interesting evolution to a character that was otherwise quite settled by the end of Part I.

[bae-science]

it’s t-t-t-t-time for another newt bae-science fic rec extravabonanza! same rules, same boys, same bullshit! let’s get into it:

a beginning; a second chance by @dykesword

other newt and i have a long and intricate ritualistic battle to become the alpha newt, but i gotta give credit where it’s due. if you like to annotate your books for fun, this fic will give you a looooong comment you’ll want to write, and for good reason! there’s a lot of really well done metaphor and character detail in here, while still keeping a very soft, melancholy but with a hopeful edge tone. and also, like, the care and detail in which newt’s mental state in the aftermath of the precursors’ abuse is depicted is so so good, and delightful to read

husbandly duties by @kingeiszler

i am soooo biased with this one bc technically it was made for me but GODDAMN it’s good. this shit has everything: gottlieb trio sibling dynamics, vanessa in giant femme earrings, hermann yearning, newt and karla infodumping together, newt’s terrible and accurate gaydar, gay crime, the newmann dynamic and why it works boiled down to its bare essentials, pride and prejudice glasses touch, and neon green acrylics. required reading for the vanessaverse

Say That Again by @robertfrobisherslover

WOOF. if you like mutual pining and lack of communication from men with rocks for their emotional processing centers, and guncle (gay uncle) newt and hermann and KILLER artsy sex scenes, and themes of words unsaid in a story about LANGUAGE..... oogoogogoogouhufug. the writing style is clear and well paced, i LOVE little mako’s scene she’s such a cutie, and there’s like. a line. that’s a play on the whole “it’s always been you” trope. that lives in my mind rent free forever.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by @thekaidonovskys

i’m just gonna paste the comment i left on it here, because that sums up what is so absolutely incredible about this fic the best:

so sometimes you stumble on a piece of fiction that you add to your little collection of stuff you would show a person if you wanted them to understand a part of you that you can't quite explain eloquently, or it would take too long, etc etc, and i've never really found something like that for my autism until now, which, like, poggers. and i'll be as straight up as i can while still being the biggest lesbian in the great state of ohio (not a hard feat but alan invented computers so i love continuing on the autistic tradition of being a living miracle), the chameleon effect hit me like a mack truck. catholic school in the deep south is the most potent and effective form of ABA therapy imaginable :/. so sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i didn't have such a strong ability to pass, and here's where we finally get to the part of this comment where i just vomit compliments at you: you nailed it. you got it. i don't know if you're on the spectrum, but either way, well fucking done. trauma therapy research talks a lot about healing fantasies, which are fantasies, usually in the form of daydreams, that abused/neglected/traumatized/etc people create that directly address a struggle they have and take the form of a scenario in which that struggle is helped in some way. it could be an abusive parent repenting and showering them with the love they never had, or someone finding them during a panic attack and somehow knowing how best to comfort them without having to ask, or being intimate with someone and having a scar or physical deformity they've been shamed for be given attention and care. and i think you have created the ultimate perfect healing fantasy for autistic people, or at least those with """"high functioning"""" autism. it has a character who is visibly and undeniably on the spectrum having the pain and trauma going through life like that causes being acknowledged and validated, they are purposefully paid attention to because person b genuinely likes them and wants to understand and respect who they are and how they function in the world, and thus get The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known as well as the eventual rewards of being loved, person b makes a genuine effort to help teach them social skills in a way they can understand and learn through and is there for them when these skills are being practiced, their space and boundaries are respected but they aren't infantilized or thought of as an emotionless robot, and they receive love and comfort on their own terms not despite of but because of who they are, even specifically being asked not to change the way they are because that way is lovable. they are openly desired. writing is my fucking JOB and it's still difficult to put into words how much you got 100000% right about the dream with this fic. i have been in the EXACT and i mean EXACT same situation as hermann when he asked newt if it was his personality itself that made people not like him, because i deadass made a spreadsheet of all my personality attributes i thought could be preventing me from making friends in college, and then asked my fellow nd friend to see if there was anything i was missing. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that this amazing, and i'm bookmarking it and putting it on my next fic rec post, and maybe one day way way in the future if i ever get a partner i want to explain the whole autism thing to, i'm gonna have them read this.

The Facts With Newton Geiszler, PhD by what_alchemy (NSFW)

storytime: i read this fic a few years ago, completely forgot the title and author, and ended up thinking about the part where hermann admits to having fucked a trailer hitch when he was a teenager, at least once a week. last november, i say to my friend samara on twitter, head of the BSHCU (buttslut hermann cinematic universe), hey this seems like something you’d have read, do you remember a fic where... and samara says FUCK i do know what you’re talking about lemme find it. so if the fact that i have been looking for this fic for like, two years, and that it contains a moment so iconic all i had to say is, “hermann says he fucked a trailer hitch” and she IMMEDIATELY knew what i was talking about, does not convince you to read this... go back to catholic school i guess.

Feeling Blue by TempusPetrichor

fics where newt goes back to work as a biologist, especially a xenobiologist, post pru are really interesting, and usually have something neat to say about recovery, how it isn’t linear, how it often involves us returning to things we love for comfort, etc. this one sure does! some good emotional and physical h/c, LOVE the use of the ghost drift, and it’s always fun to see post pru fics use dialogue very obviously taken from dbt, trauma-specific therapeutical texts, and anything that shows the author has experience with, or did their research on, ptsd therapies.

You’re Everyone That Ever Cared by KlavierWrites

you know a fic is good when it’s an only 9k slowburn and still manages to reach infinite regress levels of are you fucking KIDDING GO TO THERAPY. newt “acts of service” geiszler may have a little misplaced misogyny due to his broken woman-centric gaydar. as a treat. the fucking. post-drift scene where hermann subtextually screams “LOOK IN OUR BRAINS YOU FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU I JUST HAVE AUTISM AND CAREER IN STEM DISORDER” is soooooo. god just hermann in general in that scene is great. if you like classic mid 2010s era newmann, ghost drift romance, and good ole mutual pining, this is a treat.

Baby, You're Hotter than my Bunsen Burner by SkySongMA

moronosexual hermann representation is something that can actually be so personal

Times of Stress by RadioMoth

the boys are processinggggggg. man what a good, quick and powerful punch to the gut. if you like post-pr1 catharsis and physical h/c, AND are the one friend that likes to comment at the end of the movie that hey newt got beat the fuck UP, check this one out.

black tea by @faggotcas

okay first of all, god fucking tier url, lee. second of all, food as a love language is my SHIT. i love the very slow relationship development here, where you see them making a genuine effort to get along and that in turn leading to feelings reigniting. it’s such a sweet little moment of a fic, with a nice atmosphere and tone to fit it

now here’s the part where i usually drop my latest fic, but i haven’t written one this month because i’ve been busy launching an audio drama! you can find it here, it’ll be right up your alley if you like cryptids and gay scientists and enemies to lovers and good ole americana, but since this is a newmann post, i’m gonna recommend the pacific rim audio drama duology i did a while back! part one is called conversations from the brink, and it’s a little slice of the pr3 we better fucking get from streaming that godawful looking anime. love and lesbians to everyone ❤️

[luvdsc]

heyyy!! i need some advice, if that's okay <3

so i met this guy around 2 years ago and we start talking a lot (like everyday) last year. when that school year was about to end, he just ghosted me/unadded me out of nowhere. (he's done it once before but had a lame excuse).

we didn't talk until the next school year started (which is this year), only because my bsf is in 3 of his classes and she offered to add him and ask about me, pretending to not be my friend anymore. it then took him for me to add him back first for him to apologize (it was really lame btw)

it kinda worked out for about a week, but it also really awkward. my friends convinced me to send this huge paragraph telling him what i hated about when he did that. after that, i unadded him myself. (i also blamed myself for making it awkward for always bringing it up, which idek if u can blame me for that)

then, (since he found out my bsf was my bsf, he talked to her abt me) he'd always ask my bsf if i'm doing okay and he convinced him to add me again.

he sent an apology, and tbh i actually think he meant it this time? we still talk, but not a lot like we used to.

what makes me mad is that i still liked him after he did all that stuff. i hated him so bad, but i can't actually hate him?? idk. he used to use me as some sort of therapist, which i was fine with back then, but now i'm not even sure if he wants anything to do with me.

he always gives me mixed feelings which messes me up so bad bc i don't know what he means sometimes. i actually don't know what to do lol

my friends tell me to drop him, but he was there when i was down that i can't let him go again

hey, sweetpea 💓 yes of course it’s okay to ask !! based on what you’ve told me, your friends are right. You need to drop this boy because he’s proven more than once that he doesn’t care about your feelings with his sudden ghosting and multiple half assed apologies. It’s not your fault for making it awkward by bringing it up because he’s the one who was at fault, and you were hurt by his actions and deserved an answer. I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t even think he considered you as a friend - he was using you as a free therapist, and once he got what he wanted each and every time, he left. He doesn’t care about you at all. He let you down every single time. He let you go every single time. He’s a selfish person, and he doesn’t deserve you. Once someone hurts you this much, it’s hard to go back to the way it used to be. The relationship is never the same because the trust is not there anymore, and your guard is always up because you’re afraid they’ll hurt you again. You gave him so many chances to do better, but this boy just continues to hurt you. All he’s bringing you is anger, disappointment, and unhappiness.

I think you do know deep down that your friends are right since you’re asking me for a second opinion because you are conflicted with their answer. I know it’s going to be really difficult to move on because your heart is telling you one thing and your mind is telling you another. I understand that feelings are so incredibly complicated, and you can’t just turn them off whenever you want to, and it’ll take time for them to go away, but your friends and I believe in you, and we know you can do it 💗 your friends sound like a really good support system, and I know they’ll support you in your decision if you do decide to let him go, which I really hope you do, lovebug. The healing process will take a lot of time, courage, and patience, and it’s going to be tough at times, but you’re a strong person on your own, and he is only holding you down. And one day, if you so choose, you will find someone who will never make you doubt their feelings for you, someone who will unabashedly adore you with their whole heart, someone who will never let you go, someone who will never make you feel like this, and that is the one who is truly deserving of your time and feelings. That someone is not this boy. It’s time to let him go, honey bee 🤍

[haledamage]

Oh there are so many good ones, but I’m gonna go with either aspectabund or petrichor for Nadia/Kurt bc I must ENABLE😇

aaaaand here’s the other one 😁 (first one is here)

aspectabund - letting emotion show easily through the face or eyes

have 2000 words of pure hurt/comfort! putting everything including the notes under the cut because it’s pretty spoilerific

Takes place right after the Prince’s Secret/Treason!/Suffering of Constantin parade of earth-shattering revelations. That was a really rough day for De Sardet and I wanted Nadia to get a chance to actually process it before moving on to the next adventure. Nadia/Kurt, pre-relationship but only barely (like, literally the difference of a matter of days. They would have left to deal with Major Hermann in the morning 😉)

---

They had only just stepped into the warmth and relative safety of the De Sardet residence before Nadia left the room with barely a word or glance at any of her companions. Kurt felt her gentle dismissal like a blow to his chest, and the quiet click of her bedroom door latch carved a hollow space behind his rib cage. It didn’t feel right for her to be alone with her sorrows, no matter that at least some of the blame for her pain could be laid squarely at his feet.

He only realized he’d moved to follow her when a hand fell on his shoulder. When he turned to confront its owner, he found Vasco there, his expression grave enough to disperse Kurt’s anger before it had a chance to build. “Best leave her be. She’s had a trying day. Give her time.”

He was right. Kurt knew he was right. That didn’t mean he had to like it, but he tried to listen to his advice nonetheless.

He went to his own room, right across the hall from Nadia’s, and mindlessly stripped off his armor and weapons with the conciseness of routine. He tried not to think too much about the blood he washed off his skin, or if he’d known the person it belonged to; they had made their choice, and so had he.

Clean and dressed, Kurt was out of distractions. He considered patrolling around the property on the off chance that someone lurked with the intent to do Her Excellency harm, but instead of reaching for his sword he found himself reaching for the door handle. His feet carried him across the hall before he’d asked them to. It was only at the terse tap tap tap of his own knock that he realized he was at her door.

The woman who answered the door was not the Nadia de Sardet he thought he knew. He’d known her more than half her life and always she’d been a lively creature, clever and curious and full of mischief. But not now. Now she looked delicate and subdued, her normally bright blue eyes dull and ringed in red, ginger hair bedraggled and falling from its crown. She was still wearing her armor, caked in mud and blood and who knew what else. Her hand clenched tightly on the edge of the door, but it wasn’t enough to hide the way it trembled.

She was beautiful even so. He felt guilty for thinking it at a time like this, but not enough to consider taking it back.

“Kurt.” She tried to smile at him, but it fell far short of believable. Her voice shook like her hands did. “Is something the matter?”

“I think I should be asking you that question.” He clasped his hands behind his back like he was presenting himself to a superior officer for inspection, weighing his words and movements carefully so as not to bludgeon through this. She looked like a strong wind or word would break her entirely. “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” Even after everything that had happened, she didn’t hesitate before stepping aside in silent invitation. He slipped past her into the room before she could change her mind.

Everything looked completely untouched. A bath had been drawn for her, but the water remained pristine and had been left to cool. Nadia’s sword and rucksack sat in a chair against the wall, but they were the only sign anyone had stepped foot in this room in weeks.

Nadia herself still hovered by the closed door, arms wrapped around herself but shoulders straight. Her voice was stronger but still far too small. “Please tell me you aren’t here with any new world-shattering revelations. I don’t think my heart can take any more.”

“I just wanted to see you,” he assured her quickly. “Check on you, make sure you were…” The last word turned to ash in his mouth. Of course she wasn’t okay. That she was still even trying to smile was nothing short of a miracle.

“I’m fine,” she lied. She made no attempt to make it sound believable.

“No you’re not, Nadia. You don’t have to be.” She sagged, as if him calling her by name had severed the last of the bravado holding her upright. He caught her before she could collapse, one hand on her elbow and the other cupping her cheek. “Let me help you.”

She studied his face for a long moment, though what she was looking for he had no idea. Kurt let her search as long as she wanted, letting his thumb trace a line along the edge of her jaw as she did. He could feel her mark under his fingers, smooth lines and whorls like that of a newly-inked tattoo or the veins of a leaf.

Her eyes fluttered shut and she nuzzled into his hand, letting out a sigh of what sounded like relief. Then, finally, she nodded in assent.

Slowly and carefully, he helped her disrobe. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen her naked--bathing in rivers and dressing each other’s wounds were part of the life they led, and he was too old to blush at the sight of a bit of bare skin, no matter who it belonged to. A traitorous part of his mind - one that had grown vocal of late, no matter how much he tried to push it away - wished that the circumstances were different, that he could be undressing her with a different outcome in mind, but he squashed that thought as soon as it arose. He wouldn’t take advantage of her distress like that, would not allow himself to consider such a thing right now.

Nadia was completely compliant under his direction, silent and passive as he removed her armor and led her to the bath. She didn’t so much as flinch at the touch of the cold water as he cleaned the blood and dirt from her skin as gently as possible. Kurt gave her a quick cursory search for injuries, but it seemed she’d at least had the wherewithal to heal herself at some point. Satisfied, he dressed her in fresh clothes and led her to the edge of the bed.

He sat next to her and set about unbraiding her hair. It was tangled and wild, and he considered brushing it for her as well, but didn’t trust himself to be gentle enough to do so without hurting her. Perhaps he should ask one of the others to help with that, later on.

And then Kurt was out of things to do and had no idea what to say to fill the quiet. He shouldn’t linger past his welcome, he told himself, no matter how much he might selfishly wish to remain in her company.

He climbed reluctantly to his feet, but stood in front of her a moment longer to see if she awoke from her trance. She didn’t, and so he reached out to rest his hand on the crown of her head in a way he hoped she found comforting. “Get some rest, Green Blood. If you need anything at all, you come find me. I’m right across the hall.”

Nadia still didn’t answer, and so he sighed and turned to leave.

“Kurt.” Her hand shot out and grabbed his. There was life in her eyes again when he turned back to her. “Thank you. For this and for… everything.” She looked away, distracting herself by tracing the lines of old scars on his hand, her touch light and yet deliberate. Kurt tried not to shiver at the sensation. “I can’t imagine how difficult of a decision it must have been. What you did today. I hope you don’t regret it.”

“The only thing I regret is that I couldn’t tell you sooner.” When Nadia didn’t look back up, he knelt in front of her, raising the hand that she didn’t still cling to up to her face to get her to meet his gaze again. Her eyes shimmered with tears, only barely held at bay. “D’you want to know why I did what I did? Why I chose you over the Coin Guard? Because they tried to order me to kill you, and you are sitting here crying your eyes out worried about how I feel about it.”

He’d told her once that her soft heart would get her killed one day. As it turned out, it may have been what saved her life - or saved his.

Her bottom lip quivered until she clenched her jaw to force it to still, but the action made the tears finally spill over, falling silently down her cheeks. He brushed them away, though more fell to take their place almost immediately. “Though I would bet these tears aren’t all for me, are they, Green Blood?” 

She shook her head, though he didn’t really need the confirmation; the last day had brought revelations from every corner, but worst for her would be Constantin’s condition. Her cousin had always been her closest friend, and he might be considered her only real remaining family. 

Kurt tried to force a bit of optimism in his voice, though he doubted it was convincing. “He’ll be okay. If anyone can save him, it’s you.”

“I couldn’t save my mother.” Nadia’s voice broke, and with it the last of her composure. “Can I even still call her that?”

Times like this served to remind Kurt that he did in fact still have a heart, because he could feel it break for her. Tears stung the back of his own eyes for a moment before he forced them away and sat on the bed once more, then gathered her into his arms. “Come here. I’ve got you.”

She buried her face in his shoulder with a whimper, gripping his shirt with a surprising strength, and finally let herself go.

Her body shook with the strength of her sobs, as if all of the day’s events struck her at once and tried to tear her asunder. Kurt held her through it all, whispering things he would only half remember if he tried to think of them later, attempts at comfort and confessions and promises that he knew neither of them would ever hold him to.

At some point, they fell back on the bed and Nadia pressed herself to his side like she was made to fit there. He continued to hold her close, stroking her back and hair until she had finally cried herself out and relaxed against him.

“Thank you, Kurt.” She stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. It was a familiar motion - Nadia had always been free and easy with her affections when it came to those she cared about - but this time it burned like a brand, leaving a claim on him for the world to see. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and murmured against her hair, “You’ll never have to find out.” It was the easiest oath he’d ever had to make, and he meant it with every bone in his body.

The last of the tension bled out of her, and he could feel her go slack as sleep claimed her at last. 

He continued to caress her back for a while longer, the repetitive motion as soothing for him as it clearly was for her. He knew he should leave now that she was asleep, but he still couldn’t quite bring himself to move. He didn’t want to wake her, he reasoned to himself. She shouldn’t be left alone in this state. It would be easier to protect her if he stayed--just in case more trouble came for them.

He was still trying to convince himself when sleep dragged him under too.

[konaizumi]

A Tale of a Thousand Stars ep 7 thoughts/reactions

so, the whole tian killed torfun thing, here’s my thoughts: I don’t think tian was the one driving the car because the show has refused to actually say it straight up despite implying it multiple times, so they prob just want us to think that, it was prob his friends driving the car or something, but tian is still involved and somewhat responsible for what happened bc he set up the race which is why he feels so guilty

on tian’s guilt, i think it’s a complicated issue and i think he’s not free of blame in the situation but I do think he is taking too much blame if he wasn’t behind the wheel, and, not to put the blame on torfun exactly, but she did walk out onto a busy street at night, you know, it wasn’t like they swerved up onto the sidewalk and hit her

how many more times is phupha gonna have to watch over tian while he’s unconscious

also not a huge fan of detective nam this ep, while i do think he deserves some answers, i do not think he should’ve gone behind tian’s back like that to get them, he should’ve confronted tian directly

love to see phupha in the casual camo

poor tian, he’s just really got it so rough this episode and he’s already got self-esteem issues then more incidents keep piling on which seem to confirm the negative thoughts that he already has

and it’s difficult bc when tian says the bad stuff wouldn’t’ve happened if he hadn’t been there, like, it’s true, which really makes the situation more complex but i like that there isn’t necessarily an easy fix and that this can’t all be solved with the power of friendship, you know?

i really hope there’s a focus on tian’s mental state and that he doesn’t just magically get better when all the problems are solved and once everyone forgives him because it’s not that easy and I want to see the actual process of healing

not me every episode getting distracted from the dialogue trying to figure out the shapes on phupha’s cameo, i just noticed this ep that some of the brown spots are deer

phupha’s hurt puppy dog face when tian returned the shirt

tian’s hurt face when phupha says he’s not going to try to convince him to stay, like he was so hurt at that moment when he thought phupha wouldn’t even try to fight for him

“don’t you miss your home?” not really, my dude

“then you stay here...indefinitely. Can you?” phupha subtly trying to gauge whether tian would be willing to stay in the village with him if they were to start a relationship

that cute scene where phupha tries to hide the tea sachet

the gay panic is strong this ep

“who said i would offer you the bed?” *offers him the bed*

the gay panic continues, phupha really knows exactly what he’s doing

is it just me or has tian just looked so small this ep?

also, tian is in a tan forest ranger shirt which means he borrowed a second shirt

the only reason phupha keeps implying tian is taking the role of his wife is because tian reacts so cutely to it

im sorry but do these kids not know how to brush their teeth? and is he showing them how on an onion?

when did tian learn cook after nearly burning his house down?

please enough with the torfun comparisons, i know they’re just adding them to shake up tian and for the angst, i don’t think they’d actually go the route of torfun’s spirit being part of tian, but like, p’aof, please just leave tian alone he feels shitty enough as is

also excuse me, dr nam, are you, a medical professional, really trying to imply that torfun’s spirit might be in some way affecting tian bc he has her heart??

tian’s doing that thing again where he complains with a smile but he’s not really complaining

i really want tul to meet longtae and then just watch the chaos they and tian create together

phupha risking quite a lot to get rid of sakda so the village is safe enough for tian to stay

super not into the scene where nam, rong, and yod are flirting with girls even tho they are all implied to have partners - like i get that the point was to emphasize that phupha’s in love with tian but the scene still could’ve done that without the three of them flirting, the girls could’ve just flirted with phupha

istg when phupha said he started thinking about something impossible i 100% thought he was referring him feeling like a relationship with tian was an impossibility and then tian would say something ambiguous that clearly implied that it wasn’t impossible and it would be all cute then he opens his mouth and says tian is like torfun and i wanted to smack him

is it really necessary to add in this tian/torfun comparison plotline? is there not already enough angst????

like the scene still could’ve been super romantic but still angsty bc tian would turn away from the kiss bc he feels like he can’t start something while he’s still keeping secrets

(which i know would just add to phupha’s insecurities but tian’s already got enough on his plate)

however, the way the music hits a discordant note then fades as soon as he says it and the way tian’s smile immediately drops, just like the instant atmospheric mood change was really well done

the whole scene was just really well acted on both sides

“are you going to confess your love to me?” just the way phupha prob meant to say this jokingly but it came out more seriously than intended

also as much as i want them to kiss, i am glad they didn’t during this scene, tian needs to tell the truth before anything can happen (not that i really thought they would kiss during this scene anyway

the way the village came together to rebuild the school hurts bc of what’s going to happen next ep

And the children are just so cute, istg if anything happens to them

if nam is actually telling phupha what he found out im gonna be so pissed at him for taking that away from tian, it really needs to be tian who comes clean about it, especially because he was planning on it, he wasn’t trying to keep it secret forever

what really makes this whole situation worse is that not only does tian have to tell them about torfun’s heart and his role in the accident, but he has to tell them about torfun’s death, which should not have to be his responsibility. The forest rangers should’ve told everyone a while ago, and it’s not tian’s fault that they don’t know. So all the villagers are now going to associate tian with her death simply because he’s the one delivering the news. If they had already known and had time to process before tian got there, i think it would be very easy for them to still accept him when he told them about how he had her heart and he was just trying to carry on her wishes, but now all the feelings they have about torfun’s death (which apparently happened months ago) are going to be directed at tian

phupha please stop your flirting, you’re going to give tian heart failure again

still a good ep even tho the angst was pretty heavy, I’m glad the reveal will finally happen next ep so we can get that out of the way and finally move on, can’t wait for next friday even tho it’ll prob just be even more angst

[gatheringbones]

oh my god bones based on your recent rb just yesterday a friend told me that for them personally, they didn't necessarily think community is important for healing, like community support was nice but for them they have to individually get over their problems and heal, other people aren’t going to do that for them

and i was so blown away by it bc from what ive read community is vital! i don't even know what to say or what to do or help im just so shocked by it

..... I mean good for your friend that they never needed or wanted to study testimonies and utilize recovery frameworks and re-contextualizations from other survivors in order to make sense of what happened and build a sustainable path towards continuing recovery in the future, I’m really happy for them, it sounds like they’ve got it all figured out and that their problems weren’t the kind that they needed any kind of insight or guidance on from any outside source.

..... I do wonder what they’re envisioning when they think of other people doing the healing “for” them, I wonder what they think that process looks like or how that’s possible, and whether or not they’ve made some key misassumptions about what role survivors and the community really play in recovery, and that makes me wonder about what others kinds of assumptions they’ve made.

Can someone get inside your head and grieve your grief for you, process and transform your shame for you, and diagram every step you need to make from here? Well, by and large, no, so your friend is right on that front; that would indeed be an unrealistic expectation to have.

(Can other people be near you and let the healing examples be evident in their lives? Can they offer what small insights they have that open various doors for you over a long period of time? Can they buy you a round of groceries or let you crash on their couch for a few days? Can they take a difficult phone call for you once in a while? Can they set up a table at the laundromat with free quarters for whoever needs to do laundry? Can they offer reduced mental health services for marginalized members of the community? Can they pressure the city to provide safe, well-insulated rooms with doors that lock and a mailing address to people who need them? Can they compile materials full of testimonials that obliterate shame and show pathways around maladaptive thought patterns and abusive traps? Can they just be the kind of person who doesn’t have a relationship with their parents and is still happy and healthy and full of hope? Can they sit with you and just breathe? Does any of that count?)