#is this how i figure out ive been using my writing to keep my anxiety at bay?

[xviruserrorx]

Haven't written in little under a week and I feel like I'm withdrawing

[scullysflannel]

hiiii apologies if i'm sending you too many asks lol, don't feel pressured to reply right away or at all tbh, but there's this thing ive been turning over in my head about the x files that's like... so in many ways it has these conservative ideas kind of baked into the premise and format of the show. these fears of monsters and monstrous others that have to be investigated and neutralized by our heroes who are these beautiful professional looking white people. and then there's the looming fear of alien invasion that comes up in the myth episodes. so theres a lot that could and should and does feel reactionary and conservative about it. but theres also such a palpable love for the strange and unknown? the "i want to believe" poster represents this so beautifully. i think this love tends to be expressed visually rather than in words so it's kind of hard to concretely describe but i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. and then the show also relies on us the audience having an interest in the paranormal and unexplainable, not because we want to see it defeated, but for its own sake. so i guess i want to ask how you square those two ideas, that the x files has all these anxieties about weirdness but also loves and yearns for weirdness? as i said ive been kind of ruminating on this for a while and having trouble reconciling the two ideas so i'd love to hear your thoughts!

Ooh I kind of just want to give you a reading list. Have you read “In the Dark” by Brian Phillips?? It’s a Grantland essay written for the 20th anniversary in 2013. It’s my favorite piece of X-Files journalism (actually my favorite piece of entertainment journalism in general) — kind of an essential text to me. It gets into all of this. But for me I don’t feel like reconciling the tension is the goal, or that it’s even possible. The tension is the show.

Likely thing for me to say, but I think the structure of The X-Files as a procedural is a big part of how and why it moves between fear and love. Phillips describes Mulder and Scully as representatives of a doomed but still operational status quo, “figures of a weird reactionary beauty, struggling to understand and then prevent the profound transformation breaking out across their world.” I’d say that last part (prevention) is especially true of the mythology, with the monster-of-the-week episodes giving space to sometimes complicate that. 

The X-Files is traditional in its basic formula; it makes assumptions about who gets to be the hero and what kind of job they should have. There are some assumptions it doesn’t interrogate, like its default whiteness. But its critique of the government can be shockingly pointed, even if it holds itself back in later seasons by keeping Mulder and Scully in the Bureau well past the point where they should go rogue. (Not that I think the show actually could have done that.)

Does The X-Files love its boundaries or want to blow them up? Both. The appeal of a procedural is typically that it gives neat answers, so being a procedural that denies easy answers is the point, which is to say that both sides of the show are dependent on each other. The whole show is sort of an experiment in fitting some of the strangeness of Twin Peaks into a procedural. I think it’s meant to be a go-between, the same way Mulder and Scully are. 

Phillips also writes, “In this show about not knowing, the agents confronted two distinct sets of frightening unknowns. On one side was the shadow government represented by the Cigarette-Smoking Man. On the other was the evil that lurked beneath the surface of every American hamlet. Often, Mulder and Scully’s role was simply to act as interpreters between their own antagonists, rendering chaotic eruptions of small-town horror comprehensible to men in marble corridors in D.C.” I think The X-Files works like that too — interpreting between what’s regimented and what’s odd — and in that sense it has to yearn for the same things it’s afraid of. And really, I prefer the honesty of that to something more ideologically consistent. 

I always think about “Home” as an episode that sums up a lot of The X-Files’ attitude toward progress (more on this here): It isn’t immune to the romance of the myth of Mayberry, even as it’s aware that it’s a grotesque lie built on violence, and that people are committing perverse acts to hold on to it. The show allows for progress to be scary but insists that it’s not as scary as what people will do when they fear it. Weirdness on The X-Files isn’t perfectly analogous for righteous deviance only. I believe the show sees what is weird coming from all sides, past (like the Peacocks) and future, so what’s weird isn’t inherently good or meant to signify inherent goodness; it only can be good. 

One of my favorite things about The X-Files is the way it respects the integrity of doubt. (I’ve written about this! But hold off on reading if you don’t want any spoilers.) I don’t think the show could be about the bravery of questioning your beliefs without letting those old beliefs be a little bit comforting to Mulder and Scully, even the ones that turn out to be lies. There’s a great New Yorker essay by James Wolcott written in 1994, near the end of the first season. He writes that in The X-Files, the Cold War-era obsession with UFOs and alien invasion gives way to the more inward-looking fear of alien abduction: “The X-Files is the product of yuppie morbidity, a creeping sense of personal mortality.” Later on, the mythology incorporates shapeshifters and alien colonization plans, but it never commits. That’s never the emotional core of the show in the way abduction is. The core of the show is personal annihilation: the fear of death and losing loved ones, and the fear of tearing yourself apart to get to the truth.

But some of the most affecting episodes are the ones that love and yearn for the weirdness in spite of it all. Like you said, it’s always in the atmosphere and the visuals (the poster, or Mulder looking up at the stars), but I think the show puts words to it pretty often, too, like “I guess I see hope in such a possibility” in “Quagmire” and especially all of “Humbug”: “Imagine going through your whole life looking like that.” There’s so much affection for peculiarity in that episode. Still, I love that ultimately it’s just a fact: “Nature abhors normality.” It doesn’t actually matter whether you like what’s “freakish” or not; it’s just nature. I think all of The X-Files kind of evens out into a neutral judgment like that, which is nice and even kind of radical in its own way. What is weird doesn’t have to be beautiful and desirable; it just has to be seen and accepted.

[myshitaccount]

City Girl Rescue

(a/n: so basically reader is jackie but w “y/n” and reader isnt down bad for cole. Enjoy 🫶🏻 also i have a good pt 2 in my head so lmkk if anyone wants that eventhough ill prob write one anyway cuz i am down bad for this man 💋 cole aint got nothing on him)

My Life With the Walter Boys

Alex Walter x reader

plot: reader gets lost during walk during thanksgiving drama, but of course everything goes wrong. (same plot as in the show but i tweaked it)

-

Goosebumps, annoying, airpods in. It’s hard to ignore the persistent drama of the Walter house. Especially the drama between, my boyfriend, Alex and, his older brother, Cole. Not to mention the glances Cole keeps throwing at me.

It gets harder to ignore when the glances become stares. Words shared between us also prove his infatuation. I’m not tryna be another paige, so I hope Alex hasn’t noticed.

I glance down at my phone to check the time. 5? I left at 2! I quickly open the maps app to figure out the way home, but the signal isn’t strong enough. Well it couldn’t get anyworse! I eat my words as sounds signaling thunder and a cold storm fill the sky.

Anxiety truly begins to set in. I slid down one the tree ive posted up next to and scramble to call Katherine. I let it ring until im met with her voicemail. I instantly recall that the surprise party for Nathans return from the hospital is right now, no no no! The fear that they wont notice my absence worsens my anxiety. Next I, more frantically, called Alex.

If he doesnt pick up…

“Hey Y/n where are you?”

I breathe for the first time in what felt like minutes..

Now i must confess the deeply embarrassing truth, “Alex, I’m ummm, I’m lost- I was going for a walk and I-I don’t know and I don’t know what to do.”

In the mere moments that I’ve been crouched by the tree the sky has darkened and rain drops have begun. As I word vomit to Alex I can’t stop the breathe catching sobs that quickly take over my overwhelmed state. “Alex- I don’t know what to do”

“Hey. Y/n i need you to take a few deep breaths ok sweetheart” I close my eyes and listen to his voice, “Do you have any idea where you are baby?” I sniffle a response together, “No, theres trees.. a lot of trees and there was a path of sand tint gravel, but it’s gone and theres a hill too.” “Okay baby I know where you are I’ll be there as fast as I can-stay on the phone with me alright?”

The rain is now heavy without any escape and the thunder and lightning fill the sky. Yet, his voice has somehow soothed me. I glance down at my screen for the first time in a while; which is now dusted with raindrops, “Alex, my phone its about to die-“

Dead. And now I’m alone again in the wild and freezing temperatures. My shirt sticks to my skin soaked completely as well as my jeans that weigh me down with the amount of water intake. All I can do now is wait.

-

I don’t know how much time has passed at this point. Definitely not as much as it feels. I’m scary cold, my body is becoming numb, and I’m tired. super tired.

My shut eyes spring open by the new noise of twigs snapping. “Y/N! Y/N!”

My heart swells- its Alex! His voice sounds harsh like hes been yelling for a while, “ALEX! I’m right here!”

I try to rise from my position underneath the tree but i fall flat on my hands and knees. It’s so dark at this point that I can only see the distant light that Alex carries with him.

It moves erratically and is accompanied by sounds evoked by Alex’s running through the muddied forest.

He is quickly in-front of me discarding his layers. As soon as his hoodie, jean jacket, and raincoat is off of him he is dressing me with urgent yet noticeably delicate movements. “How do you feel Y/n?” He speaks pulling the hood over my head, before he puts his beanie on my head I grab his hand and look him in the eyes, “Alex- I’m ok, leave the beanie just get us out of here, please,” Without skipping a beat I’m scooped up and whisked away cradled in his arms to the family’s good-ole chariot. The beat of his heart and strong arms, definitely from all the farm labour, calm me.

He sets me with the same delicate actions into the passenger seat. My shivering has slowed and before he can turn away I grab him by the back of his neck with both hands and kiss him. His body leans into the car; one hand is around my waist while his other is on the dash securing himself. Our wet lips crash against one another’s and we both quickly become panting messes.

I pull away and his own face follows mine keeping us an inch apart. “Thank you Alex- I’ve never… been lost like that,” He grins that smile that brings warmth to my cheeks and butterflies into my stomach, “Ofcourse you haven’t- ye’arent used to having forests to get lost in city girl.”

[ocs-by-kingspade]

Hello fantastic fandom fellows!

Just an update on my general life I suppose. I am a writer, if you didn't already know and I have many, many WIPs that I can't wait to be completed...

Unfortunately I am cursed with the blessing of ADHD, however I have long since learned my lesson and no longer post works that I have not completed... however that means that currently, none of my works are posted.

I will (eventually) post my stories on our wonderful AO3 for your consumption... but I'm hoping a little hype will force my brain into submission

Thusly, we come to the purpose of this post. To inform y'all about my different works so y'all can ask questions or just be hyped for my future works or whatevs. This, a short listing of fandoms and a brief description of each work.

A warning, most don't have names yet, but I'm working on it!

Good Omens:

A post season 2 story on stopping the Second Coming and remembering the past - M, with mpreg, true forms, Heaven bashing, and torture themes

A Love I Can't Remember - Crowley still feels hunted by their old bosses, but is this paranoia or something more? - M, with flashbacks, PTSD, really fucking powerful Crowley, and some Eldritch Horror themes

BNHA

Hisashi Midoriya is Toshinori Yagi. He tries to balance hero work with secrets and keeping his family safe. - As of yet unrated, Midoriya adults adopted Aizawa, Aizawa/Yamada, so many secrets and lies

All Might is hero by day, Villain by night who falls in love with a certain night nurse - M, AFO is Yagi's Dad, explicit torture and BDSM scenes, Toshinori/Inko

Surprise! You are Izuku's father, Toshinori! - T (probably to go up, I'm mean to the characters I'm sorry), Trans Toshinori, Trans Izuku, Inko was a Vigilante, Adopted Aizawa and Bakugo, Aizawa/Yamada, Very rough childhoods for our favorite parents

All Might is Evil, take 2. Runs evil company. Falls for a Vigilante - M, Toshinko (can you tell I'm a fan), evilnesses and idk I haven't worked as much on this one and I'm not as good as writing bad guys it gives me anxiety.

Inuyasha

Black Horse and a Cherry Tree - Sesshomaru raises Inuyasha's twin and discovers how to love a human - M for spicy scenes, major character death, battle scenes, birth scenes, they are all adults calm tf down! Sesshomaru/Rin, not apologizing (there will be a part two in modern day Japan if I EVER FINISH THIS, IVE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR A DECADE)

HP

Riddle Me This, Riddle Me Black - Marauders Era, an OC forms friendship with the strangest people and changes the fate of the Wizarding World- M, child abuse, torture, trying to figure out Right from Wrong, vampires

Snape/James/Lily, Snape does his best for his family after his husband and wife die - M, child abuse, grief, mentions of alcoholism, secret relationship, trying to keep the Problem Child from killing himself is really fucking hard

So that brings us around. These are just the ones that I have actively started in some form or fashion. I have a Zutaraang that floats in my head too but have never committed anything to digital paper yet, so don't be afraid to ask about your favorite fandom!

[edith-is-a-cat]

OMG!! i love crystals so muchhhhh that's got such a good vibe you captured me perfectly :D

i also love minecraft foxes especially the Rotund Ones in that one mod. i'm so excited to see more arctic foxes in game because those are my favorite :) i would keep your netherite sword safe!!!

also dw i'm not worried :3 i don't mind anxiety, i have it myself. i'm not the most social person in the world but online i tend to be more outgoing. i'm kinda getting back into the tumblr scene after a year or two of neglecting it so i'm a little anxious here and there too lolol. patting your head! don't drink too much energy stuff~

in return, i am telling you to look up blue tiger's eye crystals, since you seem to like blue and you are also a cat. :) they have really cool banding and it's so reflective and pretty. one of my favorite crystals.

THE NOISE I MADE I LOVE READING LONG ASK THEY ARE SO SWEET 💕 (My older sibling made a noise back at me from downstairs 😭)

RAH SINCE I WAS REMINDED I MUST SHARE THW RANDOM CRYSTALS I KEEP IN MY ROOM AND BATHROOM (with many sea shells too)

yes all the photos have flash on because im a "one of those creatures who've evolved to spend their entire existence in a pitch black cave that's closed off from the world" (direct quote from my friend) an i never have any lights on i just run into things

WUGH WHAT MOD EXACTLY??? IM GOING TO WRITE IT DOWN AND HOPEFULLY USE IT ONE DAY!! (I haven't gotten minecraft on my pc yet, ive wanted to mod minecraft for a while but couldn't bc forever on an ipad, but i have modded stardew valley and it wasn't as scary as I thought it was! Now i can live happily with my 6 wives!! Plus ive been wanting to mod Deltarune for the Ribbit mod! but its more scary and complicated since there isn't as big of a modding community around it, ill figure it out though!!!)

also if u were like a little fox in minecraft i would give you a special nametag using my magic §!! (you can get that symbol by holding down &!! idk if your keyboard is the same but that how i get it!! It changes the text color depending on what letter you put by it!!!) Also i would construct you the best enclosure ever (or just plant a forest!!)

WUGH SO REAL if real life was like being online everything would be so cool (and maybe suck a bit more?? people get more voiced online for better and for worse ;~;)

+ I got back into tumblr like!!! October 2022, well i was never really into it but I did have my first blog that i never really did anything with (its now my reblog account)

also on the energy drink note my chem teacher said i had a problem 😭 (I dont!!! I exist like a month without any!! (I love her i showed her my can locker where i had filled my school locker with energy drink cans and shes just like "cool bud" SHE ALSO WAS ONE OF THE TWO TEACHERS TO ASK FOR OUT PREFERRED NAMES I LOVE HER))

On the blue tiger's eye note!!!! Yes. please. give. I need them i have so many things to decorate!!!! I need to put up shelves around my bed so i can look at my random stuff i adore!!!!! (the only thing i have up on my wall is something i drew for my art class and my Undertale heart locket aka one of my most prized possessions... sadly the the music box in it doesn't work anymore i played it so often, cries, it broke when i was trying to wind it for the little kids at my old school)

OKAY DID NOT KNOW I COULD TALK SO MUCH!!! DJFJDB

[onlyplatonicirl]

helllloooo *appearifies in your ask box* it is i, the headcANON. its been a while ive been busy (doing nothing). anyways today, we are discussing our favourite little gremlin man, ink :) hes one of my favourite little scrimbly bimblies, he is so me fr

has an encyclopedic knowledge on all forms and genres of art. if you show him a painting, sculpture, song, poem, whatever, he knows who made it, how they made it, when they did, the meaning behind the piece and the style it was done in/never take him to an art museum, bro will stay there for hours. he will have to be escorted out by security

he just loves creating, no matter what it is. he loves cooking and tending to his garden. he loves putting a bit of himself into the world no matter how small, no matter if it will not be remembered.

one of his favourite genres of art is ephemeral art, more commonly known as temporary art. art which doesn't last long, it is experienced in the moment and then it disappears. this style of art includes things such as ice or sand sculptures, which will eventually melt or be swept away by the shore

he has a lingering thought in the back of his mind that he truly comes from nowhere and means nothing in the grand scheme of anything, when he dies that will be it, that will be all he has ever been

has an existential crisis every two days (same bro), deals with it by doodling

i think when he was with the council he was probably required to undertake therapy, if your council is made up of incredibly strong, near god-like figures its probably a good idea to make sure theyre doing good mentally (LMAO THAT DIDNT WORK OUT HUH?)

he has a small bag he carries with him at all times, in it contains his essentials, his phone, a notepad, a sketch pad, and pen. he uses the notepad to write down anything he needs to remember but knows he will forget, as well as his schedule. this way, he can keep track of his days and make sure he takes his meds on time (paints)

comyet never specified which paints correspond to what emotion, some are a bit obvious, simply because its what we've come to associate that emotion with: red - anger, yellow - happy, blue - sad, pink - love. heres my personal interpretation of the other colours: orange - anxiety, green - calm, purple - curiosity, white and black dont do anything, instead theyre more like catalysts, black intensifies the emotion, white nullifies the emotion

his ectobody and blush too is normally just a clear white but upon drinking a paint of any kind it will tint it that colour (if he drinks more than ine he can turn into a lava lamp :0 )

his eyelights correspond to the current emotion he is feeling, but theyre very abstract and appear to simply be a random smatter of colours and shapes, there is no consistency to it

i imagine the council prescribed him a mixture of emotions to help get him through the day. they help him socialise and respond 'correctly'

he is so autism coded. it's insane. my man can not emote in a socially acceptable manner, needs an outside support to help him navigate social situations, experiences sensory seeking and underload (i need sensory shit or i will explode/dissociate), he has strict and rigid routines, experiences memory loss and brain fog, has a special intrest in art and has a flat affect when he isnt actively using his emotions (masking), canon (idk if its canon actually) aroace - not necessarily a trait of autism but holy fuck it is so common in this communtiy. undertale au sans makers be like hmm how do i make the most autistic bitch possible

struggles with empathy for others but has hyperempathy for inanimate objects (this is actually semi canon), if he knocks or drops into something, he'll apologise to it and hug it. similar situation to animals

no sense of taste. just none. tries his best at cooking but often ends up over salting things or adding too much spice

likes food based on the texture, thus he loves stuff like jelly and yoghurt

loves movies but has a really poor attention span and has to take breaks throughout the movie

texts like a boomer lol, really bad at spelling and overuses emojis and unfunny gifs

is a polyglot, can speak french (native language), english, japanese, and spanish

his house is an engineer and architect's worst nightmare. shit is liminal as fuck. long stretching hallways with doors that are unaligned, many of which lead to incomplete rooms (he forgot to furnish them and now can not enter them because white spaces scary), some of the doors are raised several feet above the ground and simply can not be accessed through normal means, staircases that lead straight into a wall, random open areas revealing a courtyard which can actually exist... a room would take up the space and yet doesnt. the floors are also all inspired by a particular style, one floor is art deco, the other industrial

is also a goopy boy, albeit far more solid than paperjam, when stressed or upset his form becomes 'looser' and his face can appear distorted

doesnt have a favorite animal per say, he just likes the colourful ones, mainly birds like parrots and peacocks

he can play an impressive array of instruments, including the guitar, drums, piano, cello, and flute. he picked up the flute from dream

has always liked hanging out with dream because of his positive aura, it doesnt make him feel happy, but it makes him feel relaxed and safe

on the other end youd think he wouldnt like hanging out with nightmare because would make him feel stressed and in danger, but Ink doesnt really know what its like to feel endangered. he has been in dangerous and life-threatening (or as close as you can get as a magical skeleton thing) scenarios, but it doesnt really affect him, he just doesnt have an eros drive.

he met nightmare and dream a few times when they were younger, and he taught them how to draw and they taught him how to play music. Ink would listen to their concerns and do his best to try and help them, albeit he lacks empathy, so he would always try and come up with a way to solve their problem, which isnt always what people want when they come to talk to you about that stuff

visited dream when he was stoned (lmao) a lot, was also there when he broke free and comforted him the best he could, i like drink a lott but the best way i can describe their relationship is like childhood friends who are also soulmates but also star-crossed lovers

- headcANON

HEADCANON THESE ARE SO REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK YES SO MANY OF THESE ALIGN WITH MY VIEW OF HIM AS WELL !!!!!!

- Canonically he is aroace, and in this story I keep that as well. I never said it on tumblr but as we further explore the relationship error and ink have you’ll learn it’s closer to a qpr and that there are a couple of very funny misconceptions that were had about them as an audience. Ink has a much different sense of romance than most allo and aro people due to his ability to kinda just change it whenever he wants but I’ll get further in depth later in the fic.

- you are extremely right about the aesthetics in every room of the house changing depending on the room. The house is a nightmare. ink can just edit it like a sims house with zero limits so he just makes the most insane shit. They gave him like a couple of miles of empty land and were like “ok go hog wild” and he did. He’s never really had a consistent home before so he got excited to make himself a special place and lost his mind.

- definitely has an art special interest

- the council actually did give him emotions to be more regulated, but they are not as strong or enjoyable as the ones he gets from the “wild” (the ones he gets off of the AUs)

- I think his relationship with NM and Dream is something really cool and unique, and I wanna elaborate on it more

THANKS FOR THE HEADCANONS MWAH 💋

[ileftherbackhome]

So, the archer is like the perfect song to describe the autistic experience of unmasking for the first time imo. And that's basically what I'm going to write about in this post so here we go.

The first verse starting off with challenging herself on her desires, because of the effect that media has on her, is such an autistic coded line to me personally. "Combat, I'm ready for combat, I say I don't want that but what if I do?" Just perfectly describes how difficult it can be as an undiagnosed autistic person to figure out what aspects of your personality are real and which parts are for show.

Pairing that with "cruelty wins in the movies, ive got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you" is such a great line to further my autistic analysis of this song because like idk this is just autism to me. Or rather, this is what it feels like to learn that I'm autistic and revisit my entire memory bank with this knowledge trying to figure out what I actually desire out of life. The admission here that you take your cues from movies can also be seen as an autistic admission of masking through popular media.

I know for me, once I started dating my current partner, I really had to unlearn a lot of unrealistic expectations I developed through watching TV as a child. Now that I know I'm autistic, I can see how those movie ideals affected the way I interact and behave. I also think that the tension here between what she says and what her thoughts are reveal a disconnect of not knowing who you truly are because you've been masking for so long that your entire personality is just what appeals to the broadest group of strangers.

Then we get into the core fear running throughout the song, "who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?" Is such a HEARTBREAKING lyric. Like there are so many ways you can talk about this lyric but if you're viewing it through an autistic lens, this lyric really gets to the heart of the brokenness that many undiagnosed autistic adults feel.

You've crafted such an artifical version of yourself that is appealing to people that they're initially attracted to you, but the cost of keeping that mask up gets unrealistic and once it starts to slip and you should people your "true" colors, you start losing them. They can't stay, once they see who you really are.

I've felt this way my entire life, like I'm just an awful self-centered human being who is unlovable and fakes things for attention, and my compulsive lying as a kid was proof of that instead of proof that I was trying so hard to present an acceptable mask without even knowing that's what I was doing.

Then we get the second verse, where she explains why she feels like nobody could stay with her and she points to her desire to "search for your dark side," even if she's alright being in the present moment with people. She can't help but feel like people who are "too" nice are hiding something from her, which can be seen as another autistic feeling because so many of us do this esp undiagnosed adults!!

We don't value people who don't seem to want anything from us because it feels "too good to be true," and then she says "I cut off my nose just to spite my face and hate my reflection for years and years." This is another thing that undiagnosed autistic people can do, there is high comorbidity between autism and EDs for example. Like, she is saying here that she's so unhappy with herself that she punishes herself with her ED and this makes her feel like a bad person who "deserves to be alone." I think that this is something a lot of autistic people can relate to, in particular.

Then we get "I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost" which is something my autism has actually done to me before. Like, I've gone to bed anxious and that anxiety just compounds in my sleep until I wake up and pace through my house until I calm down. I'm not saying she's doing it cause she's autistic, but I am saying that my autistic ass relates to this lyric in this particular way. Especially this idea of walking up feeling like the room is on fire with invisible smoke, and the way that she repeats "help me hold onto you," which is such an honest admission of needing help to see the truth.

Like, the anxiety here and the desire she feels to not let it ruin her relationship to the point where she is asking her partner "help me hold onto you," because she knows she can't do it on her own because her thoughts are too dark to let her see the reality of their situation at times like this.

And then we get the most autistic part of the song to me, the bridge where she basically repeats the sentiment "they see right through me, I see right through me, do you see right through me?" This to me is like the epitome of the masked autistic experience. This is how I felt my entire life, this is how I looked for a connection my entire life, wanting someone to see who I am but dreading it at the same time because you don't want to be rejected for things you can't change about yourself.

Oh and then the part about "all the kings men couldn't put me together again" is how it feels to realize that you've been using sex and male approval to soothe the fear that you have that you're unlovable and then pairing it with "all of my enemies started out friends" is such a raw admission of feeling like you're the problem all the time, because you've made all your friends hate you.

The archer just hits all the fears I had as an undiagnosed autistic person and it transports me back to a time where I still felt that way and I didn't know that I'm actually pretty fucking normal and not broken at all and that's why even though I adore the song, it hurts way too much to stream consistently for me.

[haejjoon]

had an absolutely bonkers day at work SO i reread the 5th chapter and immediately!! crops watered skin moisturiser anxiety gone im feeling so good now woah...........

moments i absolutely adore: goro knowingly utilizing gap moe, goro imitating ryuji and ryuji laughing with it, goro unused to being bickered over by HIS FRIENDS, the neat-o explanation for changing clothes in the metaverse, robin & ryuji, goro being a nerd and also loving the praise he gets but not allowing himself to bask in it for long, AKIRA

my bby is here again ive missed him 🥺🥺🥺 i love how nicely him appearing ties into with THE FOOL, because he sorta is one yeah? it's like a little nod to the canon p5 (where thematically akira can be said to be the fool, gaining enlightment and spirituality via his bonds as the game progresses; but also where yaldabaoth is the fool confidant AND is the one behind akira in the swap au). it's also a little 👀👀👀 with how goro unlocks the fool confidant the moment akira comes into the picture, like it's not just the ryuji-ann-morgana group who are the fool confidant for goro, akira is a necessary element there as well. also is goro suspecting something with those CLANG CLANG chains and cards? is he tying them to specific people in his mind and will he (mistakenly) tie the fool to akira?

um also i love love love what you do with the text formatting in those BREAKETH THY CHAINS sequences, it's very cool! and when you change the text in there a little bit, like turning "chains of captivity" into "captive" and then evolving it into "you are held captive" like woah...... foreshadowing!!

then the entire sequence of goro trying to understand why does he hate akira so much. lmao omg "he's so annoying and his smile is not ugly at all and also his lashes are soooo long. god what a fucking dick" goro babe please skdjeindosndj im very curious as to who will be the first to understand and acknowledge their feelings to the other. goro or akira akira or goro. goro is emotionally constipated akira is babygirl murderer place your bets

and then!!! goro immediately becoming suspicious bc of akira's slip up. it's going to bite everyone in the ass of course we know that but i can just FEEL how narratively satisfying it will be when everyone will write goro's suspicions off, like "nah goro's just got a hateboner for him" like ahhhh goro you're so correct but your actions and biases have led you here the cliff of your own doing

and then sojiro scene. the entirety of it. goro scrambling to fall back on some tried and true approach except sojiro's having none of that because HE. GENUINELY. CARES. poor monamona that whole breakdown and crying must've been so awkward for him

thank you again!!! ill keep saying it every time haha sorry this got so long im just. loving your work so much. truly a labor of love <33 hope you have a good day!!

before i say anything else, tumblr user nugylienshyd your asks are probably the very highlight of my days. i get SO giddy whenever i see your username pop up. im sorry i coudln't get to you until just now it's been such a day but (cracks knuckles)

GORO UTILIZING GAP MOE WAS SUCH A THROWAWAY LINE I WONT LIE HSKGLSD i was trying to figure out how to have him explain the difference between Pleasant Boy and Aspiring Axe Murderer and then i went wait. there's a term for this. gap moe. goro imitating ryuji also made me ugly laugh as all hell when the idea popped up into my mind because he would do that, wouldn't he.

AKIRAAAAA i'm glad you noticed the formatting ehe <3 ive said this before and i'll say it again, people need to utilize formatting more in fics!!! just because you're using words to create art doesn't mean you can't add a visual aspect to it as well!!! THE FOOL coinciding with akira's sudden appearance will forever be high point for my pride. i'm super happy with it. i'm glad you liked it too <3 (also your point about the phantom thieves somehow being incomplete and then akira appearing right when the bond formed is a neat one. i didn't mean to make it that way but damn thats an idea [writes down])

goro being a hater is another thing people need to use more often. listen its cute when he's like "akira :) responded to my date request hehe ok time to go to kichijoji" but its CUTER when he goes "look at this pathetic loser. he agreed to go on a date with me after Just One Text. this troglodyte. this buffoon" (asked him out in the first place)

and about goro immediately noticing akira's slip up!!!! of course he would. his entire thing is being Clever after all <3 iv ealso mentioned this in the past but i always found it so weird that ryuji and ann somehow picked up on pancakes so quickly? like these two are canonically the dumb blondes of the group..... and ur telling me... that they not only paid enough attention to morgana/akechi's words (ryuji SPECIFICALLY, who doesn't even like the two all that much at that point in time) to make the pancakes connection, but they ALSO remembered it enough to recall it to every new thief that joined their party??? really???????

im glad you liked the sojiro scene. it was honestly and truly such a long time coming, and they kind of... needed it? it was the only way goro could understand where sojiro was coming from, at least to me. goro's instinctive reaction to any unnatural behaviors is to lash out until the other person goes away or fights right back--both of which would be beneficial to him, at least in his perspective, because the strange threat is gone and he's back in his safe, lonely bubble. it's also why he was so taken aback when sojiro just... took it. he didn't expect him to agree. he didn't know what to do when he did.

thank you for such a well thought out ask, man <3 i did see this earlier last night, but i was in such a funk the whole day i couldn't collect my thoughts enough to respond to it properly until now. i hope your day's going well too. until next time <3

[cnnmairoll]

right i finished my happy vent, now the not so happy vent,,

this is just for me, i think writing this out will help me somehow.

i don't think I'm okay. I'm still breathing, I don't feel hungry, I don't feel sick, but I know I'm not taking care of myself properly.

I sleep a lot, or I don't sleep, I only eat 5 snicker bars a day as a meal, I hardly drink any water and all I do is rot in bed all day

I tell people I'm really busy with college, which i feel like i am, but im also doing so so poorly

i really tried to study and all, this is my dream afterall, to study psychology and become a psychologist one day. why do i feel so burnt out? why am i not doing any of my assignments? why am i skipping my classes because i do not feel like it? why am i late? what am i stressing about?

i still havent figured out about what has been going on with me lately. earlier today i cried for the first time since two months. i mean i still cry over movies and such but i guess this is where my breaking point was.

i was being a hassle for my team, i need to stop using my headphones because i know it fucks up my hearing and i genuinely believe i have a problem with hearing. but i guess im crying more with the fact i feel forgotten. Ive always been there, but why cant you see me? why cant you remember me?

i cant believe that was my trigger. I always know how I've never really stood out in a crowd, I've never been a social one, but it would be nice to feel remembered, seen, included for once in a bigger community besides my close friends. i cant believe i finally cried today and my skin burns, it hurts.

ah money.. i really do have a problem with spending. that i dont think i can write down because the guilt and anxiety had been eating me up as of late, keeping me awake, i hate the uneasy feeling in my stomach.

how do i reach out for help

[starfruitgirlie]

as someone who is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and adhd, executive dysfunction is my bread and butter, it's an almost daily occurrence in my life that I have been able to tackle over time. here is a long dump of how i manage those feelings.

disclaimer: i have received professional treatment including medication, these things are just habits ive built/are building that help improve my life on top of the treatment

I get super sick about 2-3 times a year and i'm out of school for 3-5 days at a time. i had one of these occurrences just before my spring break so i missed 3-4 tests that were very important. naturally when i got back i had a billion things to do that involved going in early at the crack of dawn. the first thing that really helps my brain is writing down everything i have to do. not putting it on my phone, ive found that it doesn't help whatsoever and that actually writing it in a notebook or just on a sticky note helps a lot more. next i email my teachers. i'm someone who starts and ends all my emails like "im so sorry to bother you im such an awful lowly creature and im an annoyance so sorry" so i get nervous about it but 99% of the time if you are reasonable, polite, and get to the point teachers will not mind. (even if your teacher is an asshole, there are always other teachers/staff who will help). In my experience the fact that you even email in the first place says something because a lot of kids just wander into class and say "yeah i was gone what are we doing" and it makes their lives and yours easier to know what to expect when you get to class. once you figure out what you missed DO THE ASSIGNMENTS. i'm a really bad procrastinator but im a successful procrastinator so even if you have to spend 8 hours cramming on a sunday just do it. i know not everyone has the flexibility for their schedule that i do but i utilize going in early a lot. you don't often get one-on-one advice from teachers and having that time (for free no less) makes a difference. my school offers morning resource and saturday resource for things like this. so this week i went in before class and went in during my lunch time to work. i was able to finish 99% of my missing work and i only have one more assignment to complete.

I don't really do a lot of after school activities besides volunteering so i use my downtime to work on my creative hobbies but i have a lot of flexibility so i take advantage of times when i could be getting help. it's easy to feel hopeless like there's no way to get everything done but your teachers want you to succeed and are available more often than not. just communicate! side note, lying about being busy won't do you any good. being more honest about your time management and mental health is better (in my experience). your teacher doesn't know if your parents just got divorced, they only know you have 5 missing assignments.

while i do try to "glamorize" my self care routine by pretending im a youtuber i tend to be more efficient when i get in the okay lets just get shit done mindset. I don't have the money to invest in a really complicated skin care routine but i do my research and remember that while im so tired i have to get up and wash my face. routines have always been tough for me but thinking of it like okay im a tv character about to go to bed let's do all these pretty things. plus, im so gross if i dont. Also, self care is sometimes doing the stuff you don't like doing but you have to do. you're doing it for yourself, you're helping out future you from crying on the floor because of giant laundry loads. i used to not keep up simple cleaning and wait until it got so bad that i had to clean, but establishing little chores to do makes it a lot more manageable. the way i wired this for my adhd brain was thinking about it in "im in the room, i see the thing, i may as well take care of it because its on my mind" i admit its not the most efficient way of doing things i often just do tasks i see in one room rather than sorting things out but it works for me. i think of it like when you're cleaning your room and you find your old DS and you start to play it. that piece of laundry on the floor? i may be in the middle of doing this but i'm going to pick it up and bring it to the laundry room right now. if its terribly inconvenient for me i have to write it down and make it so obvious for future me that i can't just forget about it. a method i do is take an item i use daily and put it in the area that needs attention. that way i will be sure to remember it.

the mindset of "well future me will be grateful for this" and "may as well do it now" may not seem glamorous but it's effective for my brain.

this may backfire on me later but i've been reading up more on hygiene and germs bc the more i think about it the more grossed out i get and the more im motivated to clean/do chores.

i'm also a teenager so im always on my phone playing crossy road or looking at pinterest, so something i do now is if i need to go to my room quickly to get something, i leave my phone where i am so i dont get side tracked and distracted. leaving my phone somewhere in a drawer or in a closed room helps get distractions away. granted my brain finds so many ways to still be distracted but it helps.

this last one may be a little crazy but i talk to myself. not in the having conversations it's just when im in an unmotivated depressive state it helps to talk out loud what im thinking/feeling. it helps my situation not seem so daunting and controlling, and more like im in control. (ex: "okay i feel like crap and i don't want to do anything but my closet is incredibly messy so im going to clean it")

executive dysfunction does not equal laziness, mental health is a serious thing and even with medication things can still feel chaotic and out of your control. i find it hard to take mental health advice from people who haven't experienced it themselves, and i have so i want to make those teens like me who felt so useless and lazy like they aren't crazy and they are valid. being depressed at ages 12-14 is like hell because one you're depressed and you're also super cringey so it's going to be a hard experience but being able to get up and take a shower and change your socks makes it less hard. thanks for reading i am extremely long winded and i don't feel compelled to shorten this post smell ya later

[yourghastlycloseness]

mistype?.?,?!!???

a few months ago, was chatting with an mbti typist chatGPT bot. after half an hour of chatting, it suggested i was an INFJ. i didnt agree with it, pointed out possibilities for INTJ, which i have been scoring, and INFP, which i scored as a 17 year old taking the test for the first time, and an INTP throughout university

after some more time, the bot said that i was probably an INFJ and they confirmed this was their final guess (ofc i cld manipulate it to get a diff answer lol) and i just thought thats bullshit. im not an FJ type at all, but now that im listening to FJ types talk, theres something really relatable abt their thought process and performance anxiety. it’s the need to do better, do better so ppl will think well of me, etc.

but idk. i likely fall into such tendencies at times that’s just because i’m a firstborn parentified daughter lol. the difference btwn me and an FJ type is that at some point, after considering how a decision affects the group and the results it cld produce etc. i ultimately just do whatever i think/feel is best, which is usually whatever produces measurable results, even if i upset some ppp

i care about what people and don’t want to upset because i see how discontent and strife within the group slows us down. it doesn’t come as much from a people-pleasing place as it does from a “let’s just get the job done” place

k so maybe not mistyped at all but i didnt think id ever find FJs relatable

smth that will do me good is to learn to use Si more and stay grounded. ive noticed i bank on it because of anxiety. but outside of that, i take little inspiration from my past and can barely remember it. not sure if thats more bcos i dont want to or dont need to

i am haunted by certain ghosts frm the past, but i dont rmb exactly why theyre haunting me. i see the form they take but cant figure out the “business” thats keeping them here bcos i dont fully rmb what happened. i think i write over my past and align what i do rmb with whatever vision i have for myself and where i want to be

[the-kipsabian]

💫🎀🎉💞💥🍭💎🪄💌

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback? i honestly love everything i get be it just 'good' or a keyboard smash or anything, but ive always been extra fond of feedback that states the commenters favorite part of the fic or picks apart their favorite sentences etc. cause to me that feels like they took the time not only to read, but also to try to invest themselves in the story and understand it and what the words i was putting down were fully trying to convey. they are the very special kinds to me personally <3

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing its the one i can keep repeating to the very end, but i love the way i can convey emotions in scenes. i think im pretty hecking good at that honestly

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!) oh wow i havent. actually rewarded myself for finishing and posting since i started doing it again lol. i do give myself credit when its due cause i think my work is pretty good at the moment so i dont feel like im posting subpar stuff, but i also dont know what to reward myself with. i cant afford anything and little things dont bring me much joy rn honestly lol. stay tuned maybe i figure this out

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language characters (and their relationships) and the overall mood. i usually want to convey a certain feeling through a scene so thats my top priority, and i take pride in my character work a lot so thats also up there, trying to make them feel as real as possible. reading-wise im a plot person tho, or again the mood is really important to me

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it. (unspirisingly) insomnia. i just thought it was really cute. it also helped my anxiety while working on it and reading it afterwards a few times so like. yeah. its also the piece that got me into writing kip so thats very special

🍭why did you start writing? i have always liked stories. i was a lonely child with no friends and talents, writing was the one thing i was maybe good at and ppl complimented me on when i dared to share something with them. currently im doing it as an outlet and cause it just makes me happy and my god nobody else is writing these fics and ships (except you <3) and someone fucking has to LOL

💎why is writing important to you? i mean its pretty much the same answer as above lol. im sad, im lonely, trying to make something that makes me happy since i have almost completely fallen off from the drawing bandwagon and i need a creative outlet. its the one way im most comfortable expressing myself and it keeps me sane rn. its like the One Thing i feel im actually good at i guess

🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic? recently i think all ive done after finishing something is either eat or go to bed lol. i also more often than not let the written stuff simmer for a while, depending how im feeling about it if its an hour or a few days before editing and posting so im not constantly overworking myself, but yeah. food and/or sleep is the most common thing rn. as stated above, i cant afford any big things to celebrate with and small things barely give me any sort of happiness rn

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited! i love how this question immediately drew my brain into a blank lol. i dont really have a lot of things actually in works right now, i just have a very long list of ideas and requests, theres only like. actually three things im trying to work on that i have started (and i might have to scrap at least one of them hmm). but immortal fears is always good!! chapter 3 WILL happen eventually, its maybe 2/3 written right now and i just really. REALLY enjoy writing chuck. so im excited to share that and hope that people like him as much as i do!!

fic writer asks ~

[arjunasearth]

Update : IG Detox

I guess it’s almost a month now that I haven’t actively posted anything on IG and deinstalled  it from my phone. I’ve reopened it a few times (as I’ve already mentioned in earlier blogposts, as well) and closed it after 5-10 min. I started to use tumblr more often for writing than before and shifted my focus more towards it here. Don’t get me wrong: Ive been writing a lot before here on tumblr, but Instagram was also a part of my daily focus-that’s why I am amidst the process of an active social media regulation, protocolling my reflections every now and then. Examining how IG influences my mood, dopamine and anxiety levels and my concentration. Also reflecting a lot about virtual vs. personal relationships and how (often) I see people online vs. how I do not meet up with them in person in real life. I think to be seen and heard in your mid-20′s- growing up in the Age of the internet- has lead to a very performative culture , starting from the age of 12 already ( I speak of what I can observe / grew up  in Germany) and is able to turn into a serious addiction if not properly regulated. The addiction to overshare instead of legitimately being validated is increasing . Social Networks are part of children’s and young adults’ lives now and I can definitely tell that my childhood was different, although I was probably the last generation who experienced the transition from cellphones to Smartphones and from non-Internet to Internet. It’s crazy to see for me how much has changed merely over the last 20 years (!) through the Internet and what it is used for. Ive been asking myself whether I am instrumentalizing the internet or whether the internet is instrumentalizing me. Then I looked at the collective as a mirror and realized that many people think they are instrumentalizing the internet for their goods, while not really thinking about the possibility to get instrumentalized themselves. I think we really have to figure out for ourselves- each one of us individually- how much space a Social Network has to take up in our head or not. Are we using it for our job / school/uni. Are we using it directly as an instrument to gain or or generate income . How addicted are we really to it ? How can we properly regulate our consumption ? Are we spending more time behind the screens or in Nature? The latter question has been the biggest issue for me so far and I’ve definitely spent to much time behind screens- not only for university-related topics but for Social Networks and IG (in particular), as well.I’ve been distracting myself and dissociating into the digital world, as well, especially during the last two years. Excessive sharing and fragmenting our reality into pieces DOES have an effect on my brain. It does have an influence of my mood, my anxiety, my comparison triggers and mechanisms and so on. We can use the Internet for whatever we want. I can go in-depth into research about topics that really interest and fascinate me and i will find more and more links and networks within networks. What I wanna say is I just stopped letting Apps like IG from taking up a big part in my brain and causing anxiety-related thoughts. I don’t think and feel like IG is healthy for me to use everyday and that it is neither healthy for me to overshare everyday and watch other people overshare. I wanna keep a network a network and literally stepped into the danger of being in a mental prison my giving applications to much input. I like to watch inspirational and informative content on certain IG-pages and nothing has changed about that; but definitely something has changed about my own perspective towards it. I can create content whenever I like and upload it whenever I like. I can consciously consume instead of allowing to be consumed by it, easy as that. People that really wanna reach and contact me always will find a way and other way round. Real networking is not imitating the life of others. It is related to authenticity imo. Structuring and recalibrating my IG intake has been my highest priority in February so far . It feels like fasting and cleansing my mental health state, tuning into my flow and leaving the distraction zone.Feeling more calm and less pressured. Regenerating and using february as a reset and regeneration time. I am curious what insights will embrace themselves to me in the following weeks. I also really wanna start taking pictures with my camera again in nature and share more of this content. I am thankful for all the lessons the process is teaching me so far. A network is not a constant exit zone, it is interrelation, authenticity and interaction. Consuming the content of other people can consume my brain as well and that’s what I keep in mind. Creating memories together, transmitting a message to the collective or expressing our passion through the internet can be  wonderful portals and doors to inspiration and community. But it can turn easily to an abyss , as well: The moment we completely dissolve into the virtual world. It’s what we make out of it, simple as that yet so delusional to many. Every light has a shadow. Integrating both will change our perspective on the use of the Internet and certain platforms and it already does: So many people are writing about it, talking about it. Analyzing the virtual world. Bu not only purely analyzing. Taking into account what it does to the psyche and consequently to the body. Talking and writing about it helps so much. Tuning into a meta-perspective and observing my own reactions to the daily / not daily use of programs on a large scale helps me understand my own consumption better and to sharpen my focus towards the passions that really thrive me.

[himbos-hotline]

Name: Just Cole Word count: 1086 words Ship: Jay Orton/Adam Cole Characters: An unnamed nurse, Jay Orton, Adam Cole Triggers: hospitals, blood drawn, mentions of a chest drain, Trans femme Adam Cole using he/him pronouns and being on the mens ward, Jay calling her princess/baby girl Authors note: I needed something to get my brian into writing mode and was insanely proud of this little fic! Tag list: @ithunderstorm @itsnoosetome @malewifemoxley @kass-the-kitten @melancholycowboy @josiewrites @basil-the-pretty-cowboy @ss-trashboat @ambroseasylum @wrestlezaynia @banannabethchase @bellicosebunny @mrsmatt @racerchix21 and @anairbri and @mistress-omega-majesty

READ ON AO3 [COMMENTS/REBLOGS HIGHYL APPRECIATED]

Adam has always been just Cole, at least in Jay's eyes

Adam had always been Cole, at least in Jay's eyes. He's always been the other Adam, the one that isn't the cowboy. He's fine with always being Cole, it doesn't upset him. He likes how his name sounds on her lips, an early morning prayer whispered in the same tired voice Adam gets created with every morning, before Jay can hear their own lisping words, the same one that's hissed between crooked teeth when he lazily rolls his hips upwards slightly, brushing against the bundle of nerves. It's a small promise, built on four letters.

That was until the summer. Or maybe it was the fall. Adam has nothing apart from foggy memories to look back on. He's laying in an uncomfortable hospital bed, listening to the rhythmic beeping of yet another heart monitor, there's hissing from the oxygen tubes in his nose and it's tickling against his nostrils. The plastic tubing feels weird against his face and he pins his legs together under the thin hospital blankets, fearing that in the hospital gown, he might be able to flash the man sleeping in the bed across from him. The word feels foggy and just out of reach as blue eyes flicker open and close slowly. He closes his eyes, groans at the feeling of pressure growing at the back of his head.

Opens them to find a fuzzy figure, just out of comprehension and something stills in the back of his head. "Jaypop?" He mumbles, silently hopeful that he's guessing correctly, there's a comforting squeeze on his hands, the feeling of cold metal rings pressing against his temples and finally a soft voice whispering

"I'm here Princess, I'm here."

Cole hums out, feels his breath fan out against their cold cheek. He feels their fingers press between his, tracing small shapes against the topside of his palm. They're remarkably careful around the IV cannula, soothing down the plasters that Adam picked at while coming round. "How ya feeling baby girl?"

"Exposed." Is the first word that slips out of Cole's mouth, heavy-set eyes blinking up at his girlfriend slowly, trying to keep the shape of his face in his mind. He wants to sit up and kiss Jay, to let her slide into bed next to him but the chest drain tugs uncomfortably in his side when he tries to sit up, so he slumps against the pillows and pouts. "Miss you." He whispers and Jay cracks a small smile. He sees that and knows why.

Getting actual emotions out of Adam Cole is much like trying to get blood out of a stone; a task mostly impossible if you haven't caught him tired or in the middle of a rage. Cole silently blames the painkillers, Cole silently knows that it's love that's making his tongue loose in his mouth. He chuckles breathlessly and feels Jay fiddle with the tubing in his nose, untucking his hair from around his ears. "Thank you."

Jay smiles again, bright and wide enough that it flashes their crooked teeth under the buzzing hospital lights. And then it falls, lips curving downwards, nose wrinkling every so slightly. Adam feels anxiety flash across his veins, his heart rate rising ever so slightly. "What's wrong?" He asks, turning his hand until Jay's palm is resting against his, cold skin against ring-worn palms.

"You really worried me Adam.I thought you were going to die. I don’t want to think about a life without you. Not again. I’d miss you"

Adam. Cole feels like his heart's paused and if it wasn't for the heart monitor beeping above the both of them, he would have believed it. He glances at Jay, eyes wide and stunned. "You called me Adam." It's his turn to crease his eyebrows confused when Jay chuckles, shaking their head slightly. "You never call me Adam."

"You never admit how you feel." Jay jokes, their voice falling slightly flat when Cole raises an eyebrow and sticks out his bottom lip out. There's something in his eyes that makes her lean closer and take his bottom lip in their mouth, a quick flirtatious kiss that brings the smile back to his face. "Is it weird that I called you Adam?"

Cole blinks, feels another wave of pain in the back of his head, soothes it down with a few deep breaths of oxygen. "Kinda." He mumbles, watching a nurse step towards the ward door. She's holding a small blue tub and by instinct he winces, more blood tests more than likely for him. Because she's making her way over to them. "I don't like it."

"I know sweetheart. I know. Dya want me to stay?" When Cole nods, Jay perches on the end of the bed by his hip, squeezes his larger hands between their smaller ones. "Just look at me. So what d'ya wanna be called?" She asks, shifting carefully up the bed to take his face in her hands.

Adam feels the needle prick through his skin and closes his eyes heavily, hard enough that small explosions of colors flicker through the blackness of his eyelids. He feels the blood run out his veins and slowly he opens them, blinks up at Jay's waiting face and smiles.

"Yours."

Jay presses a kiss to his temple, fingers in his hair, itching pleasantly at his scalp. "You're already mine."

Cole tries to purposely not think about the collar sitting tucked at the bottom of his hospital bag. Or the missing weight of his nametag or the absent little dingling of his bell. He feels bad for not wearing it but the nurses already squint at him whenever he squirms nervously at the prodding at his chest drain. So he keeps it hidden, only ghosting his fingers across the base of his throat when nobody's looking.

The nurse runs a bandaid across the blood draw sight and Adam looks over the wall of Jay's fingers. The nurse smiles and Jay nods in thanks. "Where did that hurt?" She chuckles at Cole's wide eyed glare of surprise, answering their question with a loud yet silent no. He lets Cole settle back against his pillows and Jay shifts to lay at his side, head resting against his chest. He looks up at him through his eyelashes, mismatched eyes shimmering with warmth. "What else d'ya wanna be called baby girl?"

Everything. Adam things. Princess and baby girl and sweetheart and everything that she's ever told him. He leans his forehead cheek against their finger-tips.

"Just Cole."

When the otp+ are not on a first name basis and it becomes more intimate than more technically familiar address

[queridopascal]

Happy 500! Ive had this idea for a while, but it might be too long and complicated. If it is too much feel free to disregard, no hard feelings! I just had this idea where Frankie has been really happy lately and kind of hiding things and sneaking around. So of course the guys think he started using again so they start following him and stuff to kind of catch him in the act, but hes just has a baker girlfriend they don't know about yet and hes been hiding sweet treats she makes him so he doesn't have to share with the guys. If you do write it thanks in advance ❤❤

Hi anon! I looooove this, thank you for sending it in 💞

Frankie’s secret (Frankie Morales x F!Reader)

Warnings: reference to addiction and use of drugs, curse words, fluff

annie's 500 followers celebration ✨ (NOW CLOSED)

"Something's up with him." Pope sighs as he puts down his beer.

Frankie had just entered the bar with a huge smile on his face and was now headed towards the counter.

"He's been acting weird lately..." Benny huffs and shakes his head, Pope and Will nod silently.

"You guys think...?" the youngest Miller asks as he glances at Frankie, and then looks at the others.

"I hope not. I really do." Pope lowers his head and stares at the table's wood grains, lost in thought: Frankie is like a brother to him, and to think that he could have relapsed and fallen down that wagon again makes his blood freeze.

"Hi guys," Frankie joins them and takes a seat at the table "what's with the long faces?"

No answer.

"Fish," Pope takes a deep breath and turns to him "I want you to look at me and tell me what's going on."

Frankie's eyes widen and he lets out a nervous laugh, his gaze darts between Will and Benny before settling back on Pope's face.

"What do you mean? Nothing's going on." he says, indignant, crossing his arms and letting his body language speak.

"Fish," Pope glares at him, his nostrils flaring "just... tell me you're not doing that shit again."

"Christ," he unfolds his arms and opens them "why would I? I'm clean and I'm done with that shit! What's wrong with you, uh?" he starts to gets up from the table and looks at the two brothers for back up, but they stare back at him in complete silence.

"Fish, please." Pope tries to reason with him, but he won’t listen.

"We’re worried, Fish." Benny rests both elbows on the table and looks at him "You’ve been acting strangely, avoiding us at times, you’re not answering your calls, you’re always sneaking around suspiciously and... we’re concerned."

"There’s nothing to be worried about," Frankie puts his right hand above his heart "I swear."

***

It’s Saturday morning when Benny stops at a water fountain to freshen up a bit after his routine morning run. As he catches his breath, a familiar figure walking on the other side of the road captures his attention: Frankie is holding two large paper bags that look like they're filled with food, a joyful expression painted on his face.

Benny doesn’t remember ever seeing him that happy, and he chuckles at that scene before squinting his eyes and noticing that the logo printed on the bags is the one of a famous bakery located at the end of the street.

Driven by curiosity, Benny jogs towards the bakery, a perfect excuse to investigate while buying something for breakfast.

As soon as he enters the small shop, the delicious smell of freshly baked bread and pastries makes his mouth water, and a gorgeous girl greets him from behind the counter.

“How can I help you, sir?” you asks him in a lovely voice as you adjust your apron.

“I’d like to get one of those croissants, please.” Benny points at the pastry behind you and you nod, turning your back to him and putting the croissant into a paper bag before handing it to him.

“Anything else?”

“Well,” Benny gets closer to the counter “Francisco Morales, do you know him?”

“Uhm, yeah,” you nod “he’s my boyfirend. Why?”

“Your what?! ” Benny’s eyebrows rise with surprise at your words.

“My boyfriend, we've been dating for a little over a month now.”

“Oh, that explains a lot of things.” he shakes his head with a smile.

“Wait, are you one of his Delta Force...?”

“Yeah, I’m Benny.” he says, extending his hand to you, and you introduce yourself.

“He’s talked a lot about you, Pope and Will. I'm finally able to put a face to name.” you glance at him as you serve another customer.

“Well," Benny sucks his teeth “no offence, but he’s never mentioned you, I didn’t have any idea he had a girlfriend... ”

“I know. Frankie’s been through a lot, I think he really wants to be sure before sharing something with the people around him." you sigh and Benny nods.

"Well, it was nice to meet you. I'll see you at the party then." he waves at you and leaves the bakery as he takes a bite of his croissant.

***

It's evening when Benny, Pope and Will practically invite themselves at Frankie's house to watch some football.

"You got anything to eat?" Pope asks him as he gets up from the couch and stretches his back.

"Yeah, help yourself. Mi casa es tu casa." Frankie exhales as he watches the game, attentive eyes glued to the screen.

Pope walks into the kitchen and opens the first two cabinets, finding them filled with biscuits and pastries of all sorts. He huffs and opens another cabinet in search of something savory, but its content is the same as the other ones: pastries.

"Fish, what the fuck is this?" he shouts from the kitchen.

Frankie and the other guys rush to him, and Benny's mouth falls open at the amount of baked products stored in the kitchen cabinets, and he smiles to himself.

"That's a lot of pastries." Will steps forward and grabs a plastic container filled with small squares of millefeuille.

"I can explain." Frankie puts his hands up apologetically and takes a deep breath.

Pope and Will look at him, their expressions a mix of curiosity and anxiety, while Benny tries to keep his composure.

"I have a girlfriend and..." Frankie sighs "she's a baker."

"Wow, okay, so this is..." Pope looks around, pointing at all the food.

"Yeah, this is all her work."

"And I guess that's the reason why you've been acting weird lately, uh?" Benny steps closer to him and he nods.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Pope punches his arm playfully "When are we meeting her?"

"Next week, at my birthday party."

***

"You think they like me?" you ask as you help Frankie clean everything up after the party.

"They love you, babe." he walks over to you and places his hands on your hips "Especially Benny I would say. Please, don't run away with him." he adds, pouting a little.

"You don't have to worry, he's not my type." you shake your head and wrap your arms around his neck, caressing his nape with your thumbs.

"Yeah?" he cocks an eyebrow at you.

"Yeah," you nod firmly "he's not you, he's not my Frankie."

Frankie beams at you and rests his forehead against yours, gazing into your eyes for a moment as you get lost in the warmth of his brown ones.

"I... maybe it's too soon for you, but," he sighs, closing his eyes "I think I love you."

"Frankie..."

"I'm sure." he nods, putting his hands on your shoulders "But you don't have to say it back if you're not ready, it's alr-"

"Will you shut up!" you exclaim, putting your index finger on his mouth to silence him.

Frankie gulps and keeps quiet, staring back at you with those adorable puppy eyes.

"I love you, too."

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[nettheworldonfire]

The post that almost wasn’t...

I started writing this post in April.  Yes, April.  Five months ago.  

Then I got sidetracked and tried to finish in May, but the end of the school year had me too crazy to actually finish it.  Then it was summer and well, I couldn’t be bothered with opening a computer most days.  Too much fun in the sun to be had.  Now it’s the beginning of the school year and I’ve never been more stressed out and tired, but it’s Blood Cancer Awareness Month and I’m due for a post...

So, be patient with me as I retell this story(ies?)...and try to keep things reported in a timely fashion from here on out.

On Sunday, August 14th, I had my 30th Lanreotide injection and tomorrow I’ll have my 31st. It’s been two and a half years of this medicine, and it has been working to keep my tumor growth to a minimum.  I am very thankful for that.  

Back in mid-April, I had been experiencing significant pain under my right rib for about five days, and since that’s the general spot my liver is in, I was super stressed that it was my tumors acting up.  After some convos with oncology, they asked me to come into the Perlman Center at UPenn to see the oncology urgent care team and get my scans done a bit early. (They were scheduled for May 3rd).  So on April 26th, I made the hike into the big city. I forgot about how annoying it was to drive into West Philly (damn you, Schuylkill!) since I was re-diagnosed in February 2020 and only had one in-person appointment at Penn due to the pandemic.  I hate figuring out parking and being lost in a hospital, then anxiously hanging in waiting rooms.  I don’t mind meeting new nurses, techs, phlebotomists, and nurse practitioners who are always pretty incredible.  But since the logistics of huge hospital systems gives me heart palpitations, I always ask the person who schedules me where I should park and how I’ll find my floor and the office I need — and the scheduler this time was also super helpful…until I got there and multiple roads were blocked with police and construction.  I ended up parking a little ways away and taking a shuttle which wasn’t so bad - even if the driver was repeatedly screaming that she was gonna punch someone right in the face.  I would have had anxiety leaving my car in a garage with my work computer and other such valuables, however because I haven’t cleaned out my car in forever — it definitely appears like I live in it — and certainly doesn’t look like it would be holding anything of value — so I think joke’s on you, robbers!  

They took me back to get my CT scan pretty quickly but then I had to wait while they asked about doing a scan of my chest as well as the pelvis/abdomen, as my CT scheduled for the following month was for both and insurance likely doesn’t want me getting two CT scans within one week.  Once they got that approval, I got the scan with and without IV contrast of my abdomen, pelvis, and chest.  It’s cute how they always ask me if I have an underwire bra on or any such thing.  I have to remind them — I’m a pro. (Who wore a metal-free slob suit to work also).   I didn’t have to drink a Barium smoothie — so that’s a plus.  As the CT tech was taking out my IV, he asked if I wanted him to leave it in because I was getting an infusion afterwards, which was news to me since I haven’t had an infusion in 10 years.  So he took it out, and I went to “infusion” where it turns out they sent me for a blood draw and would have used the same IV had we left it in. Another needle in the opposite arm, and all is done.  Then I waited for a nurse practitioner, Marie, to go over things with me.  In the meantime, I got a notification that my bloodwork results we’re already in my portal (less than ten minutes after they drew it).  Holy quickness. Things looked normal to me, and I was told someone would call me to review. Marie said that they would get results of the CT scans that day, but definitely not for a few hours — so I should go home and wait there.  She did call me later that night and assured me that all was status quo. Nothing looked like it changed and my liver was probably not taking over my body like an alien life form. 

Dr. Teitelbaum and I had our normal follow-up telehealth appointment the next week and she confirmed, things are still growing so very slowly, there is nothing to worry about it.   It didn’t appear that my liver was causing the pain, and since the pain subsided in time, there wasn’t much else to do.

I had my injection in April, May, June, July - and then had new scans done.  This time, still only minimal growth, but Dr. Teitelbaum said she doesn’t want to become complacent, and asked me to schedule an appointment with Dr. Soulen in interventional radiology to see if he things I should be moving to next steps.  I was originally told this medicine works for 3-5 years in most patients, before the cancer outsmarts the meds.  It makes me pretty nervous to be creeping up on the low end of that timeline.  Especially since any cancer of mine is of course going to be smarter than the average cancer, right?  So I can’t be shocked if they say that next steps should be considered soon.  But I was kind of getting used to the idea of just pretending it’s not there and getting my backside injected once a month, forever.  I thought the appointment with Dr. Soulen was this past week, but realized I missed a call where it was rescheduled for October 5th -- so I will update again after that one.

In addition to all of my routine cancer screenings/scans/treatments, I have also been subjected to other diagnostics recently.  My OBGYN has been increasingly more demanding and the appointments are all so time consuming. I went in for an annual visit and the doctor recommended an endometrial ablation.   Two weeks ago I had to get a mammogram (simply because I am nearly 40 and well, that’s the kind of fun stuff you do when you’re middle-aged).  It took 8 days, but I received a little letter in my electronic file that started with this sentence...

WOOT WOOT!  Again, not that we (or anyone) had any concern about my breasts -- but hearing that a part of me is cancer-free is always so uplifting.  However, the radiology results lag makes me a little stressed, because I HATE waiting.  Apparently there is a major radiologist shortage right now.  And every other kind of shortage, but I can handle waiting a little for food or slightly longer lines places...

A few days later I got my ultrasound reports (abdominal and transvaginal) which also appeared normal (although they couldn’t find one of my ovaries, so I guess they can only say they are 50% sure they are normal).  This Thursday, I have an endometrial biopsy and then HOPEFULLY NovaSure -- the endometrial ablation.  Just one thing I’d like to get under control, ASAP.  Fingers and Ovaries crossed that it comes back normal or whatever is needed so I can schedule this procedure.  In the meantime, I am not opposed to rain-dances for menopause or an approved hysterectomy.  

In December, I will have another Gallium scan -- you know the one so wild they only do it on certain days of the week at certain times and they tell you not to hold your kids after for a day or so because you’re still radioactive -- cool, cool.  And that’s to make sure it’s still only in my liver and not traveling elsewhere, without a passport.  

And to end this with a dose of kid-comedy... This weekend my kids asked me why I get the injections at home and I told them I like when the nurse comes and gives me a shot in our house...and they translated that to, “Mommy likes getting it in her butt in the dining room.” Hoping this isn’t the overshare they decide to present in school this week.  

So that’s the update for now -- more to hopefully come soon.  Love to you all for being patient in hearing “news” for me, but no news is typically, “Sam still has cancer but she’s alive and her normal, albeit crazy, self” (aka good news, I think?)  Until next time...