#is this homophobia i can’t tell lmfao

[imsiriuslyreading]

i just got a comment on my tiktok that said “you don’t look like someone who would watch heartstopper” and i’m so confused are you saying i don’t look gay? all i do is- nvm

[lesbianlenas]

my dad is so 🙄 we were watching a cooking show & the woman who won who is gay got 5k to donate to a local restaurant and she said she was donating it to a lesbian bar & said there is only 20 lesbian bars left in the country and my dad did what he always does when anyone says anything abt gay ppl bc he just HAS to comment and was like “great 🙄” and my mom was like shut up and he was like “of course she knows how many there are 🙄” and my mom was like “bc she’s gay” and he stopped talking after that but it’s just so annoying like does this man have to complain abt gay ppl every time someone says anything abt gay ppl like shut uppppp i hate him so much….like the second she said it i knew it was coming he’s so obnoxious.

[crimsonkenjii-writes]

My persona? Very fem. Video game characters? Very masc. Me in my head? Androgynous. Me outside? Whatever people want to perceive bc I’m fine with any.

maaaannn wtf is gender???

[anthyies]

Hi! Can I ask for more info about the necessity of reading Baru books 2 and 3? Because ngl, I really disliked book 1. Not because of the ending. The ending was the only part I liked. I was like, "Something is FINALLY happening in this goddamn book, the promised treacherous behaviour is FINALLY here." I know some people are reluctant to read on because they found the ending of book 1 devastating, but that was not my experience. Sure, it's sad, but it's narratively necessary. So... WILL reading the sequels help, in my case? I see so many people talk about how amazing this series is, comparing it to other series I really like (like Locked Tomb). What is it that makes the sequels worth reading to someone who didn't enjoy the first one?

tl;dr: idk if you’d like them. if you’re invested in baru as a character and her emotional arc try them. Long post under the cut lmfao sorry

without knowing why you disliked the rest of the first book i can’t really tell you whether you’d like the second and third. negative reviews of monster and tyrant revolve around a) “Baru is too emotional and messy and i wanted her to be a calculating mastermind cryptarch plotting” b) on the other hand “Baru is too cold unemotional calm and it’s freaky” (she is just autistic, most people who think this drop out at traitor) c) not connecting with how the cryptarchs are portrayed as a messy group of people / not liking the expanded scope and introduction of the cancrioth (secret cancer cult) / not liking the story of ash sections that focus on a new character, tau indi bosoka. take that as you will i guess? you need to be invested in baru as a character for them to work, i think. and it depends on what you want/expect from the books. if you were bored by the first book well the second and third do have a lot of things happening like the aforementioned cancer cult. basically yeah traitor is just the start of baru, i think monster and tyrant are necessary if you’re going to talk about baru being “grimdark” (imo it’s not), or if you want to figure out what the series wants to say, but if you didn’t like the start of baru’s arc idk if you’ll like the rest of it you know? it really does depend on ur investment in baru + what you want from her; a lot of neg reviews of monster are from people who expected something completely different.

monster and tyrant are special to me because of how baru’s arc is carried out as she deals with the aftermath of traitor - her narration does get wildly more emotional which im obsessed with personally #griefcore #widowpilled, and the emotional catharsis of baru freeing her mind from the influence of empire is incredibly important and personal to me. and i rec that people who have finished traitor and can’t make themselves read the next two because of emotional devastation read them because baru dealing with the emotional devastation helps 👍 it gets worse it gets to the worst place she could possibly be and then it starts to get better. also monster and tyrant have tau in them ❤️‍🔥 and ISCEND. and ulyu xe becomes so important. and aminata gets to be so fucked up and closeted-to-herself-probably-bisexual. they have fucked up gay women in these books 👆

re; locked tomb comparisons I’m not into tlt like that but i don’t really understand them beyond the superficial level of “lesbians who commit atrocities and also there’s an empire and also lobotomies and also dead gf in your head”. the lobotomy and dead gf in head happen in monster and tyrant fwiw (although the context of the lobotomy is so different .. they don’t match up thematically at all lmao. the htn lobotomy is out of love the baru lobotomy is an existentially horrifying threat). baru has a very different prose style and also is a much more focused look at empire like it is about empire and colonization that is what the books are about. whereas at least gtn/htn were not that focusedly about empire. also crucially baru is about homophobia it is very much about homophobia and tlt is queernormative (i prefer baru because she feels truer to my own experiences like when i say she is just like me her journey is personal to me i mean it lmfao. stream this essay)

[the-owl-house-takes]

“How is Belos a colonizer??” Bro needs a basic history 💀 How do you think Belos got to Connecticut in the first place? Also he genuinely colonized the Boiling Isles with how he took over don’t overlook that.

He can hate multiple things?? LMFAO the puritans hated tons of minorities witches included, even if we take the puritan shit out Belos is still bigoted I don’t understand why people are trying to defend him? 💀 He’s literally Belos

“He was not racist where the hell did that come from” bro do you hear what you’re saying - think about what time period he came from.

“There’s quite literally no homophobia or transphobia in toh” that’s only limited to the Boiling Isles 💀 and Belos definitely not from there

“I think it came from Luz being a POC” “it’s not a race thing” “idk where that idea that witches are a race came from but it’s definitely odd” literally just look at where Belos came from. All bigotry ties together mind you. For example you can’t advocating for women’s rights while being transphobic (TERFS) cause then you’re putting not only trans people down - but yourself and other minorities as well. It all connects. Also nobody is saying witches are a race 💀I don’t understand how Belos fans in all the time brainrot ting over Belos don’t realize what time period he came from and how’d it effect him?? (I am a Belos fan myself)

“It’s a fictional character guys!”

Yeah and people love thinking realistically abt him lmao. The fictional character arguments are always so lazy + ignore the real-world messages - yes he’s a fictional character. People like him because he’s so realistic. There are real, yes real people out there, who if they had the chance - would do the exact same things he did just to get rid of a minority. Thats not an exaggeration that’s simple how deep bigotry can run and I love how Belos’ can be portrayed in multiple ways.

Also saying that Belos only hates magic purely because Caleb got ‘corrupted’ by a witch is not correct at all. That bigotry was there longgg long ago 💀 if anything that only amplified it. Belos doesn’t have a justifiable reason to hate witches/magic (Caleb falling in love with a witch is not justified hatred.) he simply does it because he holds those bias & allegories for 400+ years. Note this can extend to how differing witches are to humans in Belos’ eyes. How LGBTQ+ is acceptable for witches while in humans it’s sinful, unnatural, etc. How witches don’t have racism (I swear to god if one more person tells me that there’s no people of color on the Boiling Isles, HAVE YOU SEEN GUS?? 💀) whereas Belos came from an era where racism (to put in its simplest terms) was very much thriving!

The Boiling Isles represents literally everything a bigot like Belos would be against, witches included. Witches can be gay, witches can be people of color, etc. “Belos hates witches only” doesn’t really work for him and what his character is written for. He’s an allegory of bigotry and with the way he acts & speaks you can definitely see it. Fiction affects reality and reality affects fiction.

“He wanted control over the magic and to limit it to what he wanted.” That’s true! I’m unsure where you were going with this? He actually didn’t want this, he only used the coven system as a way to kill everybody easily in one take. He simply needed to gain control over magic first - that was never apart of his original plan. He was out here to kill because the boiling isles represents everything he is against.

“But Caleb came from the same time period and he’s not bad!”

I love comparing Caleb & Belos together sm. Further cementing into the ground that Belos being a bigot is all his doing is because Caleb unlearned the bigotry. Caleb was also a colonizer, he was also a witch hunter! He also likely held those other harmful beliefs for most of his life! But Caleb changed, whereas Belos clung to those beliefs. That’s why I love these two they’re a great example of why bigotry is taught and can be unlearned! Acknowledging this can add to their stories more, give them more depth, add more realism to an already scary villain! The reason Belos is so scary as a villain is because of how real he is - there genuinely are people out there who’d do the same as him if given the chance.

As a POC who studies a lot about how bigotry develops - I love studying Belos, he’s very well written in this regard imo! I feel like people who don’t want to acknowledge the rest of Belos’ bigotry miss the point of his entire character arc 😭 he’s somebody who fell into the deep extremes of bias & hate - let him be hateful.

I hope this helped the original person to have a better understanding of this topic? They seemed ill informed/uneducated so I hope my rant helped 😭(not saying that as an insult btw)

-

[mangoposts]

Thank u for being so understanding and supportive. I wish that the rest of the fan base felt the same. Like people being so weird about Matt x Masc and Chris x Masc is so annoying like.. even the Nick x Fem stuff doesn’t bother me at all - like if a baddie wanted to write about me like that like u do u. Am I gonna be into it? No.. but like do ur thing. It just made me sad when u posed the bi stuff about Matt and people were like oh this is gross and disrespectful. Bc where? It’s just fiction and fantasy. Nobody is saying Matt likes men. Nobody is trying to say Chris likes men either. We know they don’t - but us queers allowed to fantasise like y’all do too and enjoy it. It’s giving homophobia.. it’s giving possessive.. it’s giving.. sturniolo police.

But yeah feel free to post about Matt/Chris x Masc if u want to like these hoes need to shut upppp and find something else to be annoyed about. I honestly think treating the boys like they’re not people is more disrespectful than wishing they were queer like.. 💀

I feel like I have more to say on this but idk I can’t think. Just know I will be sending Chris and Matt porn links w boys in the future and I will not give a shit if any of you little girls get mad about it. Purr.

Yeahhhh i felt really bad ive had people telling me im disrespecting Matt’s sexuality and i just deleted it all because i didn’t want to come across as disrespectful 😭 Idk i want to please everyday so i feel bad when i upload that stuff but i feel worse when i don’t like bruh ur right about this fandom it’s kinda hard to please Lmfao

But you send in anything you want i’ll post them for you ❤️

[blue-jayyy8657]

(somewhat) LONG ASS POST!! redoing my about me post so i can pin it and look interesting:

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

heya:) i’m jay, and this is my blog,, where i do really just whatever the fuck i want and say whatever strikes me as interesting or funny at the time. welcome!! really all im gonna do here is kinda say a lot of random things, go on hyperfixation rants, talk about my creature moments, and occasionally sprinkle in things about my life that i feel must be shared….. and basically all i really wanna do with this blog is just make my own little,,, Place in The World……. like somewhere i can just kind of Be Myself? i guess? so here i guess this is my attempt at that lmaoo

ummm things i should prrrrobably say about myself to either make me more interesting or just kind of warn about:

- i have adhd and all the fun side effects that come with it :P

- maybe asd but im not entirely sure yet? i’m doing my research i promise promise promise

- pronouns: it/he/neos (+they, but preferably the ones i already mentioned)

- sometimes i use Random Capitalization to Emphasize my Point and that’s Funny To Me

- if you wanna talk to me or ask me something or whatever, just,,,, ask!! normally i’m really shitty at responding to asks and stuff but i promise i’m trying and not ignoring you, it’s just im really really bad at it and i think it’s just my executive dysfunction so….. sorry about that lmao but im tryingggg

- I LOVE EDITING STORIES AND THINGS - if you or someone you know is looking for a beta author or really anyone to just read your shit, i would absolutely fucking love to i promise

- i am transmasc genderqueer !! really doesn’t need much of an explanation ig?? that’s just part of who i am and i feel like it should be made aware of lmao

- if you send me an ask, i promise promise promise i’ll try to respond but i’m really not good at it so if i don’t respond to it i’m really sorry but i either can’t find a way to respond or i Forgor and i apologize ;;

- if you don’t like me or something i say or embody, just don’t interact with me? i don’t feel like i should need to say this but just in case,, like just don’t be rude? i will just block you so there’s really not a point but like… just don’t be an ass i guess

- more bullets as ideas warrant i suppose? i’m definitely gonna have more ideas it’s just i’m kinda sick rn so everything’s a bit fuzzy lmfao

my current list of special interests i will most likely post about/reblog posts about:

supernatural, marble hornets, neurodivergency/disabilities, horror, aesthetics (mainly dirtcore, crowcore, goblincore, grungecore, etc), five nights at freddys - movie AND the games!!, detroit: become human, LIST WILL PROBABLY BE UPDATED AND CHANGED AS MY INTERESTS EBB AND FLOW LIKE THE TIDES

MY DNIS:

if you’re just gonna be mean, don’t even bother like just don’t. i’m not gonna do shit with you, i’m probably just gonna block you and i don’t wanna like start shit. also homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism, pedophilia, all the good shit - please also just….. don’t. um, i might add more but really i don’t honestly have any specifics, just if you’re gonna be an asshole just like stop lmao idk what to tell you i just Don’t Like You so go away?? thank yewwwww <3

but anyways, i think that’s it? at least until i decide to add more cause i don’t like the way i wrote things ……. i know this will happen because idk man it always does lmao :P hopefully i seem interesting or at least somewhat confusing?? maybe???? yeah but anyways imma shut up now so HAVE A GOOD WHATEVER-TIME-IT-IS !!!1!!!!11!!!

[eliotquillon]

i mean the whole point IS that she isn’t serious about simon from the beginning? he’s not serious about her, either! he literally cheats on her with maia! they’re openly using each other—her to distract her parents from figuring out that alec is gay before he comes out to them, him to get clary’s attention. they’re a very different love story than clary and jace or emma and julian or tessa and will; that’s why it’s so gratifying to see them finally end up together because it’s a slowburn romance. it’s meant to be bumpy. malec is way more toxic than sizzy lol and has a very similar will they/won’t they thing going on and nobody makes any real complaint about that. god forbid a female character not immediately swear undying fealty to her love interest i guess lmfao

also isabelle 100% has a purpose in the books beside ‘just saving jace’ — she’s a foil to clary, her relationship with alec (and her very strained relationship with her parents) is very important, she’s the closest we have to an archetypical ‘good shadowhunter’ (jace has Valentine Issues and alec is dealing with serious repression/internalised homophobia—isabelle is very clearly meant to be the ‘normal one’ of the three, which is why she gets on so well with simon), etc. she’s a survivor of a very emotionally distant/borderline abusive childhood and grew up incredibly isolated from people her own age and her entire culture. she’s deliberately, performatively provocative (that’s why robert sends her to tempt people to stray at shadowhunter academy—isabelle is a good actress! she’s good at pretending to be something she’s not!). and isabelle is the one to stand up to clary in city of glass and tell her that shadowhunters don’t just exist in a vacuum—that the shit clary is doing with jace has real consequences for him and for their family and that she can’t just jerk people around. if ‘saving jace’ is all you took from isabelle’s book appearances then we are fundamentally coming at this from different levels of analysis. also clary’s internalised misogyny isn’t isabelle’s fault lol. it’s actually a really important thing for both of them that they have to WORK to become friends, and their friendship is a lot more significant because they have to work hard to get there. isabelle doesn’t exactly try hard to befriend clary at the beginning either but i’m not sure why you would blame isabelle for clary’s behaviour?

btw i’m not even a cassandra clare fanboy or anything! i have several problems with her books, her representation, the treatment of downworlder characters and characters of colour, etc. i recognise that the mortal instruments, even more than most of her other series, is deeply flawed. like trust me. i’m not crazy about the incest thing either. i only consider myself a fan of these books because i first read them 11 years ago and have crazy nostalgia.

but with all due respect you seem to have…completely misunderstood book!isabelle? and also this post? she’s supposed to be flawed. i LIKE that she’s flawed. i list several of her flaws in my original post! my complaint about tv!isabelle is less that she got reduced to ‘the hot one’ (i’m very aware that she wears similarly over the top outfits in the books—although we are heavily encouraged to agree with simon’s assessment in city of glass that her behaviour is largely an attempt to protect alec, and jace’s observation that she’s overcompensating because she feels insecure about not being small and dainty; it’s very telling that in her idealised dream vision she’s dressed more casually and has cut her hair to her shoulders) and more a general frustration that the things i loved about book!isabelle got stripped away. i don’t really have a problem with the show’s existence or it changing things. i complained specifically about show!isabelle in this post because book!isabelle is my favourite fictional character of all time and it is frustrating to have her name slapped onto a completely different character. especially when the other tv versions were way more in line with their book characterisations. this isn’t a dig at emeraude—who fwiw i’ve always said is a huge improvement on jemima west’s likeness of isabelle—it’s about characterisation.

i have no desire to get into discourse about which version of them is ‘better’; that’s why i made a vent post that i never really expected to get any notes. i’m not a tv fan and i don’t expect tv fans to be book fans. but like why would you come on a post that is specifically about how much i love book!isabelle to say ‘btw i hate book!isabelle’ . make your own post!

not sure i will ever forgive shadowhunters tv for what they did to isabelle lightwood and i’m so serious btw. isabelle loves alec so much that magnus’s birthday gift to him is a protection spell on her. she dates boys she knows her parents will disapprove of because she thinks it’ll distract them from figuring out alec’s sexuality + giving him shit for it. she finds out that simon has been cheating on her with maia and still her first reaction to finding out that jordan was maia’s abusive ex is to threaten to beat the shit out of him for going near her. in edom clary dreams of having a normal family and simon dreams of fortune and fame and alec dreams of being an accomplished warrior and isabelle only dreams of the people she loves being happy and healthy and themselves. she’s stubborn and loyal and haughty and funny and vain and curious and tempestuous and so, so quick to put the people she loves first for all that she likes to pretend otherwise, and the show threw so much of it away because they chose to focus on her being the 'hot one' who likes to flirt with everyone and make fun of alec. i am killing and fucking biting Why would you fucking do this to her

[smashtbh]

Daddy Issues

Jonathan Byers x M!reader | fem aligned + minors dni!

not my gif!

req: “ Hi! Me, again :) so... What if Jonathan dad finds out that his son dating with male reader, so he gets like really mad and goes to threaten the kid, but he founds him with the reader, and he gets like really mad and shit but the reader tells him to piss off and comforts Jonathan? I don't really see fic about Jonathan's daddy issues witch is actually weird i always thought that's gonna be something big for writers :o. “ — @russainweed (you are carrying my account rn ily)

oooo angsty. let’s do it. (im making this little note here after ive written this and im sorry to say i lowkey hate it lmfao)

CW: this got a lot heavier than i meant for it to, homophobia, the use of the f slur, lonnie being a piece of shit, threats of violence, lots of crying, there’s comfort i promise.

pairing: Jonathan Byers x M!reader.

he/him pronouns are used to refer to the reader.

a/n: jonathan byers is my boyfriend its canon. 😁 also just a thank you for all the support my account has been getting recently! you guys are the best.

word count: can’t check rn sorry ���

“So… tonight?” Y/N’s voice comes through the phone, and Jonathan smiles.

“Of course.” Jonathan replies, moving the phone to his other hand. “My mom wants you over here for dinner by 6, you know how she is if you don’t show.”

There’s a sweet laughter that comes through and Jonathan sighs to himself. “I’ll be there, tell her not to worry.” Y/N says and there’s a crackle on the line.

“I’m not worrying! I know you’ll be here.” Joyce’s voice comes through, and Jonathan quickly peers his head around to see her at the other phone.

“Mooom!” Jonathan groans.

“Hi momma Joyce!” Y/N exclaims. Jonathan face palms and Y/N laughs again, listening to the annoyed mumbling. “I’ll be over, baby. See you later!”

“Kay, bye.” Jonathan hangs the phone back on its stand. He uses a hand to push through his hair and huffs a laugh.

There’s quick walking coming in his direction. “He calls you ‘baby’?” Joyce asks, with a giddy grin on her face.

“Mom.”

“You two are just the cutest.” She squeezes his cheek and walks away.

Jonathan is trying to set up the kitchen table when Joyce comes over with a box. “Forgot to tell you I found these,” she drops it on the table. “It was on top of the fridge. All the photos we took from last year’s winter break!”

She picks up and few and spreads them across the table. One of Jonathan kissing Y/N’s cheek, another of Y/N and Will trying to waltz, and more of Y/N and Joyce baking cookies.

He smiles down at the glossy pictures, filled with laughter and closed eyes. He picks one up, it’s of him and Y/N dancing in the living room as Will was bopping his head to the music. He’s trying to relive the moment in his head when there’s a loud knock on the door.

Assuming that it’s Y/N, Jonathan happily sprints to the door — the photo of them in his hand. He opens it with a stupid grin that quickly turns into a frown.

Lonnie.

“What are you — “

“Where’s your mother.” It’s more of a statement than a question, and Jonathan gets a chill up his spine.

“She’s — she’s cooking.” Jonathan mumbles, instinctively closing the door a bit. Lonnie grabs at it and pries it wide open.

“I’m starvin’.” He breathes, marching past Jonathan and towards the kitchen.

Will is sitting on the couch watching a cartoon and he immediately stiffens when Lonnie walks into the living room. “Hey, kiddo. How you been?”

Will looks to Jonathan and then back at Lonnie. “I’m fine..”

Joyce walks in and her expression is similar to Will’s. Their faces painted with similar confusion. “Lonnie? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Just wanted to stop by, grab somethin’ to eat. Jonny boy over here said you were cooking.” Lonnie shrugs and starts to stalk towards the kitchen.

Jonathan looks at Will and then at his mother. Then, panic hits him.

The pictures.

God, no. Please, no. Go straight for the food you fucking bastard, please.

“The fuck is this?” Jonathan hears as he chasing after Lonnie. Too late.

He tries to come up with an excuse, but there really isn’t one when the photo that Lonnie picks up is the one of Jonathan kissing Y/N’s cheek. “My — it’s.. they’re photos.”

“No shit.” Lonnie says, venom in his voice. “Why the fuck are you kissing this guy?”

Joyce runs in and grabs the photo out of Lonnie’s hand. “That isn’t your business.”

Lonnie tries to reach for it again, but Joyce pulls her hand away in time. He swears and turns to Jonathan. “Shoulda’ known you were a fucking faggot.”

Jonathan freezes. He isn’t sure what to do. “Shoulda’ known from the moment you told me you never had a girlfriend back when you were in school.” Lonnie continues. He scoffs before adding, “You’re disgusting.”

Joyce is caught off guard by his words, and Lonnie is able to grab the photo out of her hands. He brings it to Jonathan’s teary eyed face and rips it in half.

“No! — “

“You’re disgusting.”

He drops the two pieces to the floor and Jonathan catches them midair, his tears flowing freely now. He can’t hear much, but he can tell that Joyce is telling him off — screaming at him to get out.

Jonathan runs to his room with the torn photo, desperate to fix it. His shaky hands are trying to find the tape in his desk, but he can’t bring himself to calm down.

He’s breathing hard and crying — choking on his sobs. He gives up on looking for the tape, since he physically can’t bear to do it.

He crumbles to the floor and curls into a ball. He’s sobbing into the fabric of the jacket he has on when he realizes there’s rapid knocking coming from his window.

“Let me in, Jonathan — “ He hears the voice from outside plead.

Jonathan looks up and everything is blurry and the sounds around him are warbled by his own cries, but he squints at the window.

He doesn’t know if he wants to open it though. He feels like he’d rather cry and wallow in self pity. He’s disgusting.

He sobs harder into his own shoulder when he’s suddenly picked up and cradled.

“Hey — you’re alright. Breathe, baby.”

He knows that voice, and he clutches to the body that’s holding him together. Keeping him from shattering to pieces. From being torn apart like that photo.

The body starts rocking back and forth, and Jonathan finally starts to calm down. How’d he get in? There’s a kiss placed on his forehead and he finally opens his eyes. “There you are, love.” Y/N whispers, it looks as if he was crying too — and Jonathan frowns.

“Were — “ There’s a sniffle that interrupts his own sentence, “were you crying?”

Y/N huffs a laugh, and there’s a tight smile on his face “Says you.” His face turns serious. “What happened?”

Jonathan doesn’t know where to start, so he turns over in Y/N’s arms to reach for the ripped photo. He hands it to him and bites his lip in an attempt to not cry.

“What.. who — “

Jonathan shakes a bit.

“It’s alright. Hey — see look, we can just tape it back together, or — “ Y/N reaches for the camera on the table, “we could just take another.” He smiles at Jonathan.

Jonathan smirks, Y/N feels alive again. “We could.”

I’m disgusting. He frowns.

“Why’d you do that?” Y/N asks, referring to Jonathan’s face. He cups his jaw, opening his mouth to say something — when suddenly, there’s yelling in the hall.

A loud crack comes from the door as it swings open, revealing a very red Lonnie.

“You. You’re that fuckin’ guy.” He whispers, almost to himself. Joyce is behind him, it’s almost as if you could see the steam coming from her ears.

“Leave them alone, asshole!” She yells, storming to the phone to call the police.

Y/N sets Jonathan into a sitting position against the wall. “Yeah.” Y/N says, connecting the pieces as to why Jonathan was freaking out. “I am.”

“You’re a fucken — “ Lonnie yells, but Y/N interrupts him.

“What? A homosexual?” He shrugs, “At least I’m not a fuckin’ screw up like you.”

“You better watch your mouth, boy.”

“I don’t listen to dumb fucks like you.” Y/N walks towards him, leveling his height with Lonnie. “If I were you, I’d get the fuck out of here.” He points down the hall.

“Before the police find you dead.” Y/N says under his breath.

Lonnie squares his shoulders. Y/N thinks he’s going to punch him or something, but he turns and stomps down the hall. He swings the front door open and leaves with a loud bang of it closing.

Y/N almost laughs, before remembering Jonathan is behind him. He turns and runs towards him, still slumped against the wall. He’s shaking and there’s dry tears on his cheeks.

“You’re okay.” Y/N says. “He’s gone.”

“I know. I know.” He mumbles.

Y/N sees Joyce through the window, cursing and screaming at Lonnie who’s driving off, hopefully for good.

Y/N turns back to Jonathan, who calmed down. He’s breathing evenly with his eyes closed. Y/N caresses his face, lightly tapping on him. “Sweetheart.”

Jonathan hums in response, leaning into his hand.“Why’d you come through my window?” He whispers.

“Well, you guys weren’t answering the front door. I know why now.” Y/N says, combing through Jonathan’s hair with his fingers.

Jonathan sighs.

“I love you.” Y/N suddenly whispers.

“And I love you, Y/N.” Jonathan smiles, almost giggling.

Y/N pulls Jonathan into his arms, and leans against the wall. They’re sitting there for a couple of minutes before Jonathan breaks the silence.

“Can we take the photo now?”

“Of course, love.”

Y/N grabs the camera and sits next to Jonathan. He lets Jonathan hold his face and gently kiss his cheek. Y/N takes the photo and sets the camera down, turning to kiss Jonathan properly.

“I’m keeping this one.” Y/N mutters.

“Absolutely not.” Jonathan says, snatching the photo away.

They laugh and it’s easier to breathe again.

likes, reblogs & comments are appreciated!

[kittenkatbar]

here’s my BIG vol. 2 hot take/prediction/long ass word vomit that is also kinda a character analysis:

i don’t think will is going to be the one (traditionally) vecna’d.. i think it’ll be mike.

will has trauma—that’s obvious. BUT will also has a connection to the upside down that seems to be.. different than we all previously thought. the more you look at how much he’s survived when other people touched by the UD haven’t, the more it starts to look like will might be able to use that as a strength. the mind flayer didn’t want him to die, and i don’t think vecna does either. i think vecna wants will with him, by his side, and i think that’s been getting set up the whole show with will’s connection/survival/being the first one taken to the UD/the UD reflecting that day by being stuck in time. will also has secrets, yeah, but he fully plans on telling mike. we see that with the painting and with the speech he gives on the car. hell, he doesn’t even want to keep el’s secrets/lies for her. kid’s over that shit. he’s putting it off, sure, but he still fully plans on saying SOMETHING to mike, hopefully a confession bc i want byler to be canon so so so bad, but i just do not trust any show not to queerbait anymore lmfao.

MIKE, HOWEVER.. whew. that boy has got some deep-seated, buried secrets that i honestly don’t think he intends to share. he obviously (to me) does not love el in a romantic way (but i fully believe he loves her platonically), as we see with him constantly avoiding saying that he loves her (hell, even the valentine in her little mike shrine says ‘like.’ even the flowers said ‘from.’). he doesn’t want to tell her that he isn’t in love with her and constantly keeps lying to her, and probably himself too.

now, like i said: as a queer person who has seen it too many times, i fear queerbaiting. however, i’m going to throw caution to the wind for a minute. i, personally, also read mike’s character as really struggling with internalized homophobia. i think that the s3 “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls” fight wasn’t just him being frustrated, i think it was him projecting. i think mike can tell by that point that he himself either doesn’t just like girls, or doesn’t like girls in the way he has been told he should. he spends s3 spending time with el in a way that seems like a deflection—pulling her away from everyone so it’s obvious he’s with her, then breaking apart kisses to sing and be silly even though it seems to annoy her. he’s controlling, and to me it reads less as him wanting to control el.. but to control the narrative. can’t possibly be queer if all you do is make out with your girlfriend, right?? he’s frustrated when hopper tells him to put space between them, but he does it. which is weird, because mike obviously has issues with authority figures and very rarely does what anyone tells him. he’s yelled and punched hop before, he’s sassed him constantly.. but.. hop just gave him an out. he can blame not being around el on hop. he can be outwardly frustrated about it, without having to remedy it. el dumps him and he looks a little hurt, acts a little angry, but he doesn’t go talk to her. he doesn’t try to make it better. he goes to the mall with lucas and will to try to buy his way back into her good graces, but he doesn’t put in any real work. at least, not like he always does after he and will fight. when he has the big fight with will later, he goes after him. will is different for mike, but it’s almost like the roles are reversed from what mike thinks they should be. he treats will more like you would (traditionally) treat a love interest, and el more like the best friend. a fight with will? immediately trying to fix it. a fight with el? mike is brooding, but almost acts like it’ll resolve itself, similar to how he was with lucas in season one. the only time he says he loves el, is when he’s panicking. and again, i fully believe he loves her.. platonically. i would also be super torn up and panicking if any of my friends were about to do something that could kill them, and i think when you’re wrapped up in all that emotion it’s easy to mistake it for romantic love. however, even then.. i don’t know that that’s what mike meant.

mike says he loves her and he can’t lose her again, which yeah? of course! she’s important to him! everyone around him took that as romantic.. but i don’t know that he meant it that way? he loves his friends, he doesn’t want to lose them. even taking this out of a byler lens, that has always been the case for mike. he refused to give up on will across the first two seasons, he couldn’t lose him. i don’t think it’s a stretch to say he’d feel that way about anyone in the party, but that doesn’t mean it’s romantic. now for the big but.. he said it. out loud, in front of everyone. he can’t take it back now because walking that back could 1. make him look “suspicious” and cast doubt on everything he’s been doing up until now with el 2. hurt el, who he does care about. he never says it again. later, when she says it to him and kisses him, he stands there looking like a lost kid at disney who just rode dumbo 5 times, puked from too much cotton candy, then found out it’s not the most magical place on earth. so, i while i think mike meant it when he said he loved el, i think he meant it platonically.. which is why he can’t say it now, in a romantic context. he smiles like the fucking sun when will says he won’t join another party, but he can’t show that same emotion when his girlfriend kisses him and declares her love? seems like mike is just full of secrets, even before s4.

so, season four. when we hear el’s letter being read out, there’s a few key things to note, imo.

mike has never thought critically about the obvious lies el is telling him. he knows el. he knows el is weird, which is fine!! the whole party is weird! but weird kids don’t usually become popular. i mean, it can happen.. for instance, i wasn’t popular, but i sure as hell had friends in every group in high school and hopped lunch table to lunch table, but that was the 2010s and this is the 1980s, where groups were a bit more defined.. “forced conformity,” if you will. but mike doesn’t bat a lash at her fitting in perfectly? at being good at math suddenly when she’s literally never been properly educated? at being perfectly fine when they all are thinking that hopper is dead? that’s off. that’s so far off for mike, the kid that could tell will wasn’t okay by a flinch/facial expression. i think mike was being willfully ignorant. it’s easier to pretend everything’s okay—that el isn’t lying, that they love each other, that mike isn’t facing some internal turmoil. status quo, holding up the views of what his reaganite parents and the general public in the 80s expect of him. pushing all of his “otherness” into playing DnD, actively fighting to keep the deeper issues out of sight and out of mind. willful ignorance to keep himself safer, a very common tactic for a lot of queer kids.

it seems to me, however, that what mike does pay attention to is what el writes about will. will whose drawings are still up on his wall, will who he hasn’t called or written to despite giving him the biggest mike wheeler smile before he left. i think he doesn’t write or talk to will for a couple reasons. mike probably thinks if he doesn’t talk to will, he can get over whatever these feelings are he has. he doesn’t want to feel that way and he doesn’t want to call it what it is, so the best way to get over it is distance. ignore it, it’ll resolve itself—like when he fought with el. he’s trying to push a friendship lens onto feelings he knows are at least a little bit more than platonic. maybe he also is afraid that if he does talk to will, he might say or do something wrong. mike isn’t known for being the most emotionally intelligent, but he’s always been far more in tune with will than anyone else.. what if he oversteps? but he still gets news about will, i highly doubt that’s the first letter where el has mentioned her brother. i’d even take a guess that mike has asked after him a handful of times, via el. which brings me to el talking about the painting, about there being “a girl” will might like. i don’t think el had even given a thought to will being queer (she has her own shit going on and the only people who have ever insinuated it were mouthbreathers, so why would she?), but also i highly doubt she’s seen him around with girls if will’s response during the presentation means anything. which to me, that means he’s been private/shy/flustered about the painting enough that el assumed he had a crush.. and it’s the 80s and el doesn’t think he’s queer, so must be a girl, right?

but then.. will is at the airport. and mike doesn’t hug him. and will has the painting. i’ve posted about this already, but i’m going to go a little more in depth here. i don’t think mike knows he has a crush on will. i think he knows he feels something, it’s different and it’s more than friendship. it scares him. he distanced himself because of that. so: no hug. because a hug is giving in, is feeding that feeling that he thinks he shouldn’t have. he sees what is obviously a painting in will’s hand. i don’t think he even slightly makes the connection that it’s for him, because mike is often a ‘forest through the trees’ kinda guy. he asks about it, maybe somewhere deep inside, hoping it’s for him.. but will was just weirdly received with a back slap and so: will doesn’t give it to him, he brushes mike off. mike looks detached during all of this, like he can’t allow himself to feel happy to see will or confused that he brought the painting or sad that it’s not actually for him (even though it obviously is). because if he feels those things, then.. well.. they’re real. so he’s disappointed, but detached. convincing himself he doesn’t have any different feelings for will, that the idea of the painting being for a girl doesn’t make him feel a little bitter. because if he’s bitter then he’d have to figure out why, and he just can’t let himself do that. so everything gets pushed away to the back of his mind, but he still acts weird. because even if mike doesn’t know or acknowledge it yet, he’s still a little hurt in this moment.

then we’re at the rink, and el’s been caught in her lies. when will tells mike, his immediate reaction is to lash out and then.. then he calms down a bit. he’s worried for el, of course, but will seems more worried than he is. his sister is in trouble, so that checks out.. but mike seems not as concerned as i’d expect? i think this is like when hop made him lie about nana.. will just took some of this huge weight off of mikes shoulders. now it’s not on mike for willfully ignoring el’s lies to keep the façade going now, it’s on el for lying. el is now the deceitful one, it’s not mike lying to himself—its el lying to mike. a bit later, when he and will fight, i think it’s half projection and half mike feeling hurt. he ignored the fact that el’s story didn’t make sense.. and el got hurt. i mean mostly emotionally but i roller skate and the way she fell in the rink would fucking HURT. he’s telling will that they’re friends, stressing the word like he’s trying to convince himself that’s all he feels. he’s angry, he’s panicking, he’s lashing out. classic mike, and it almost always feels like a defection when he does it. he asks why it’s his fault, when will never tried either—which is valid to an extent. maybe not a sound argument, because mike tried with el (whether or not that was part of suppressing his feelings for will and lack of feelings for el), but still a valid one. and honestly? i think if will had tried.. mike would’ve folded immediately. after this fight, after they’re back and he and el fight.. he goes to will immediately. he folds. he needs will, especially when he doesn’t have el to distract him from how much.

we get the “you didn’t have to/you never say it” parallel. we get the “team” the “best friends” conversation after el is gone. it’s harder for mike to hide his feelings when he doesn’t have el to project them onto. he cares about el, and so does will—immensely. they want to save her because they love her (in a non-romantic sense). but this conversation isn’t about el, this conversation is about them. they’re setting things in motion to rescue el, but they’re talking about their relationship, they’re reconnecting. will grabs the painting, which shows intent to give it to mike, to confess. but mike is still pushing the friends narrative, even if he’s letting himself fold a little with the “best friends” and the soft glances and the admittance that will is different to him than everyone else. that he missed him. that he needs him.

the car scene proves exactly how much mike needs will. mike needs will to tell him that it’s okay to tell el that he doesn’t love her romantically, even if that’s not what will is actually saying (from will’s perspective). will is obviously gearing up to tell mike he has feelings for him, starting to lay the groundwork to soften what i think will assumes will be a big blow to their friendship. but will is brave and will is kind and will is so full of love for his best friend, so he’s going to tell him anyway. friends don’t lie. i don’t think will even sees this as a lie, maybe not even fully a secret at this point because he is planning to tell mike.. he just has to do it. but mike? mike is full of secrets. he takes will’s speech as a go-ahead to tell el that he doesn’t love her like that, but that it’s okay. he needed will to tell him that it’s okay to not be in love with el, in love with a girl. but he’s still caught in a tangled web of lies that he made for himself, and i think mike is terrified of pulling one string in case it all unravels. mike is good at secrets, he has been since he hid el in his basement. but secrets fester, especially when you have no intention of letting them out.

SO: mike has fought monsters, has trauma, has watched people die. mike has always come back to will, has used will as his anchor. as long as will is okay, he’s okay. but mike is harboring secrets, letting them rot inside him. he doesn’t want to be queer, he doesn’t want to be “othered” in a way that might make him lose his family, his friends, possibly even will—his anchor to feeling okay. so he bottles up everything to try to control the narrative, but he’s grasping at smoke because he’s not in control. he’s never been. the upside down has had a chokehold on all of the kids for years and right now, vecna is driving the bus. the new trailer proves that with will’s line: “he won’t stop.” but as we know, will was never explicitly on the kill list. he’s been taken and possessed and had a fucking awful run, but he said it himself: not him—everyone else. the upside down wants will, whether that’s the mindflayer or vecna, or if the whole plane is a big sentient.. thing.

i think will is going to be taken by vecna (i also think vecna may have been involved in taking him in the first season, as well but that’s a different can of worms), but i don’t think he’s going to be actually vecna’d. i think it’s mike. i think everything i’ve laid out here has been building up inside of mike for years (and i didn’t even go into how much he was ruined in s1 trying to get will back, or how he dropped everything when will wasn’t okay in s2 and stayed by him the whole time).

the kid’s got a lot more than just skeletons and monsters in his closet, and i think it’s going to get him into hot water. mike is called “frog face” by bullies, we’ve all seen the little frog plush—and i can’t help but thinking about that anecdote about a frog in a pot. if the heat is gradually turned up, the frog won’t notice it’s being boiled alive.

i think we’ve had four seasons of michael wheeler sitting in a pot—and the heat has been slowing increasing. vecna is about to boil mike alive.

[shigarakisbabyy]

Shinso x Male Reader Headcanons

No nsfw!! Reader in this is in 1A.

Warnings: mentions of homophobia

Definitely didn’t know he was lgbt before meeting you

Took one look at you and went

“…oh”

Honestly, kind of nervous to talk to you and put it off for the longest time.

He was fully convinced that he’d tell you what his quirk is and you’d take off running

Eventually he did talk to you, one day at lunch when you were eating with your friends.

He has told you that he was planning to transfer into the hero course and he wanted to know what it was like, and what to expect

And obviously, you said yes because holy shit it’s shinso

He was so shocked when you called his quirk cool and said it was super awesome and that he’d make a great hero

It was the first time he had been complimented for it, let alone by someone he had a crush on

He eventually asked you out when you guys were hanging out

You probably had to initiate the first kiss though, I feel like he’s probably really reserved and will do anything to not make people even slightly uncomfortable

You probably had to tell him over and over again that you didn’t mind when he’d kiss you or even when he asked to. You probably also had to tell him it was okay to ask for cuddles lmfao

Slowly he’d warm up to you and learn it’s okay to ask for affection though

If y’all are in public and anyone says ANYTHING homophobic to you it is ON SIGHT

He cant even tolerate someone being rude to him, but to you???? Hell no

He’d 100% sneak over to the 1A dorms all the time for sleepovers with you

His favorite date nights with you are playing video games while doing skin care stuff

And then cuddling while you play with his hair and gently caress his face

He prefers being big spoon but can’t deny he loves being little spoon on occasion (sometimes he’s a big baby who wants to be held)

He’s definitely big spoon most nights though. He loves having you in his arms

You guys would stay up late at night and he’ll tell you about all the cats he wants to have in the future with you

If you ever tell him he looks cool or cute in his hero costume he WILL get flustered and blush

And he’d return the compliment 100x back to you

His favorite nickname for you is def baby boy, kitty, puppy, or love.

His favorite cuddling position is you laying on his chest with your arms wrapped around him

For the love of god play with this mans hair

[gay-jewish-bucky]

was very telling how when mcmarkus made those jokes re : steve’s virginity, they said it happened while on tour in catfa, the very brief and only part of the plot where he was a) post-serum, b) not out the ice, and c) around women. they can’t even conceive of him having any kind of romance before the serum or being found attractive by anyone, but they also couldn’t say he had sex out of the ice, because then he’s 25+ and a late bloomer, which disrupts the all american alpha self insert for male audience thing they tried to push for him. and they couldn’t have said after the tour but pre-ice, because he presumably would have never seen anyone but other (male) soldiers except during brief stints of r&r. that rules out every part of his story except for the USO tour, which is why i think they said he lost his virginity then. it all comes back to your point about the desexualization of disabled people. but them making completely unasked for lore on steve’s virginity was weird ass hell anyway lmfao

YES! THIS!!! This is exactly it! It's this intersection of ableism, sexism, and homophobia

I wonder how much of their overreaction/overcorrection and attempts to retcon this is rooted in the popularity of Stucky and their thinly veiled disgust over the idea there is a non-platonic dimension to his relationship with Bucky. That they see the potential for queerness as a threat to their ability to self-insert and so have to "prove" to themselves that he's not only heterosexual, but heterosexual in the "right" way.

[lesbianlenas]

i agree with you on the issue of bi people saying d*ke and f*g, i saw something weeks ago not sure if it was twitter or tumblr but it said something like 'i can tell who you are a chronically online baby gay if you get upset for my friends and I saying f*g' and it was written by a lesbian i was like ??? why does not wanting to say slurs make you a less 'good/valid' (for lack of a better term) gay person? why do so many people fight to try to say more slurs i think we should all say less slurs

u r so correct lol. also it’s so funny that that person said u have to be chronically online to not like someone saying slurs when saying slurs all the time is a 100% online behavior. the excessive use of slurs to be funny is so clearly a way of showing that u r special from other ppl bc it’s a word u r only allowed to say if u are part of that community. like for ex for a lot of ppl if u r going around saying dyke u r basically being like i am special bc i can say dyke even tho other ppl can’t. and ultimately it has circled back into homophobia in a lot of cases bc u have ppl saying slurs they should not be saying and feeling so comfortable w that that they use them in a derogatory way bc they still see that as funny. like there was a post going around here that was of the gay guy from glee having a shrine of the queen or smth and ppl starting mass commenting under it f*ggot like. none of these ppl doing this were even gay men. that is what happens when u have no real connection to the damage of a slur bc u do not have any idea of the weight of it. just bc u may b bi calling a gay man a f*ggot as an insult is still extremely homophobic & not remotely funny. as a lesbian i would NEVER call another lesbian a dyke in a derogatory way. the whole point of reclaiming a slur is to use it in a loving way against the hatred it originally came from. when i say dyke it is done w an absolute love & respect for other lesbians which someone outside of our community (for the most part) cannot have esp if they think of it as a joke. slurs are not a punchline lmfao. and they aren’t smth to make u feel special bc other ppl can’t say them. and u certainly should not be trying to force other ppl to use slurs or try to imply they are inferior bc they won’t use them like tf? saying slurs does not prove u r gay it doesn’t make u more gay and it isn’t like some special benefit u unlock to show u r a Real Gay™️. anyway if u r upset or angry bc someone says that they don’t like that u said a slur then i think u need to examine why u feel like it’s so important that u get to say slurs idk.

[emisonme]

Lauren’s story...............

Guys, I can completely understand the way some of you have been personally offended, and down right hurt, by Lauren's words. But, at the same time, one needs to understand, what was actually happening, and the timing of everything. Not only the time line of her story, but the timing of the podcast.

She was talking about her feelings, toward Camren shippers, back in 2013 and 2014. Lucy very well MAY have been the friend that helped Lauren realize she was into girls, but she WAS NOT the girl that helped her accept herself. If you pay attention, it became obvious, Lauren had grown more accepting of her sexuality, BEFORE Lucy came back into the picture.

Back in 2013/2014, Lauren was still fighting her true feelings. She was doing exactly what I said she would say...Just making out with her friend, because that what friends do. No big deal. Every "straight" girl does it, right? She was "justifying" her actions, because she couldn't control her desires.

We all know, Lauren had a really bad bout, of internalized homophobia. She couldn't control her desires, and she HATED herself for it. It was easier to BLAME Camren shippers, than herself. "We" are the ones who put those desires in her head, because she thought she was pretty damn good at hiding her truth. "We" were seeing something that wasn't there, and putting thoughts in her head she didn't want. It BECAME "our" fault, because she couldn't BLAME herself.

The truth is, Lauren didn't hate herself for liking girls. She hated herself, for not accepting that part of herself. She hated herself, for giving societal norms that much power over her. She hated herself, because she couldn't control her desires, much less hide them. We had nothing to do with it, but like I said, it was easier to blame us, than to put blame where it belonged....homophobia, heteronormativity, and herself.

We are a part of her coming out story, but she can't tell us the WHOLE truth. She had to give Lucy all the credit, (without even saying her name) because saying that we saw her truth and accepted her truth, before she was willing to accept it herself, would have given validation to Camren...Because it was Camren that made us see her truth, NOT Laucy!!!

She blamed us, for making her feel like a "predator", for connecting her to someone that was "NOT queer" (lol). Honestly, that is the biggest load of bullshit, I've ever heard. Shippers don't make predators, we make art. Be it written, or visual, we made some wonderful art....That Lauren obviously consumed herself, or she wouldn't know so damn much about it.

IF, and it's a big IF, Lauren EVER actually felt like a damn "predator", it was her inability to take her eyes off of Camila, and particularly her ass, that would have made her feel that way, not us. (Camila enjoyed it, and stared right back. She loved Lauren's ass, as well.)

Instead of BLAMING us, she should have been thanking us. WE are the ones who accepted her, and loved her, even though she couldn't accept and love herself. But, like I said, she couldn't do that, because it would have VALIDATED CAMREN.

What she should have done, is not mention Camila, at all. The fact she CHOSE to say Camila's name, and NOT Lucy's, says a lot about what that whole thing was meant to accomplish.

She gave Lucy all the wonderful credit, then said how damn TOXIC that "relationship" was. She even "explained" why her mother didn't approve of Lucy. It was a load of shit, but needed to be "explained". No mother in their right mind, that accepts lovingly her daughters sexuality, would disapprove of her "relationship" with a woman, then turn around and approve of her "relationship" with a gang-banger that smokes weed like a forest fire, and snorts coke like a vacuum.

The whole damn point of mentioning Camila, by name, and not the name of the woman who had supposedly made Lauren accept herself, was to get the media's attention...and cross-promotion.

She didn't mention Lucy's name, because she didn't want to give Lucy any media attention. Lucy became Lauren's version of "that girl". (which should tell us something) She mentioned Camila by name, so the media would jump all over it. And it did. It served it's purpose. It cross-promoted BOTH of them. In turn, it also put a spotlight on Camila, and her current PR stunt. If Lauren says Camila "isn't queer", that must mean she's "straight" (LOL). That must mean shmila is real, right? (LMFAO)

This whole thing is a big load of bullshit, but it had it's purpose. That being said, I can understand why so many of you are upset, and hurt. It didn't affect me that way, because I see it for what it is, PR. With this type of PR, it takes the focus off of any relationship between Lauren and Camila, and puts the blame on "us" for "destroying" their beautiful friendship. This same tactic has been used multiple times before. The best example of this is Louis and Harry. THEY blamed the shippers for destroying their wonderful friendship, as well. Like I said before, it's a tried and true Industry tactic. They'll keep using it, as long as it keeps working... just as they do PR "relationships".

Lauren mentioning Lucy would not have gotten the desired media hype, that mentioning Camila would, and did. She had to do so, in a way that wouldn't validate Camren. That's what we got. Does it hurt? You bet your ass it does!!! Does it piss me off? Abso-fucking-lutely!!! Welcome to PR 101!!! IT SUCKS ASS!!!!!

[monaownsmyass]

Going Out Of My Mind In My Mind

Requested fic by anon. (If you have any fic ideas or requests you'd like me to write, you can leave me an ask!)

Book: My First Two Loves

Pairing: Ava Lawrence x MC (Emma Price)

Genre: Fluff but make it angsty

Rating: PG13

Warning: Mild homophobic comments

Word Count: 3,611

A/N: Ava is in love with her best friend. She gets lost in her own thoughts while contemplating if she should reach out to MC. Firstly, I wanna say I’m so sorry to the anon that requested this if they wanted a more light-hearted fluff fic lmfao. If you did, please send me another ask lol. Secondly, I wanna apologise to my fellow wlw for including a little homophobia. It’s not that harsh or mean, but it’s there. I thought including it would better portray a realistic encounter of what it’s like to be a wlw accepting her sexuality and exploring her feelings.

Tag list: @ineedskyecrandall @kamilahsayeet2063 @avalawrencefl @lovekamilahsayeed @thequeenkamilahsayeed @heygmicheelle @djtjsmith14 @jjlover01 @soft-for-drake @dopeyouth @alexroyard @satrinadia @toalltheboysididntlove @mypegasifly @queen-arabella-of-cordonia (lmk if anyone would like to be included or removed in my next fics and if you only want to be tagged for certain pairings.)

The first time I realised I was in love with my best friend was... well, I'm not sure if I'm being honest.

But damn, if that's not the most generic, cliché plot ever for every sapphic film and story ever, I'm not sure what is. However, there was always some truth to fiction and I was no exception.

That was my life. Generic and cliché. Popular high school captain of the cheerleaders who lived in the suburbs and came from a middle-class family that has dated the school's famous golden-boy quarterback.

For far too long, everything was normal. Too normal. Painfully normal.

That is, of course, until I started realising I had feelings for my best friend that was very much into guys. As I've mentioned, I couldn't pint-point an exact date or incident but like a hurricane, it was sudden even though there were warnings signs and it was just as destructive, uprooting and destroying everything I thought I once knew, a force to be reckoned with.

It was utter chaos in a seeming perfect picture but for the first time in my life, I felt alive.

Emma Price was my hurricane. Whether that was a good or bad thing, that was up for debate. All I knew was that I wanted her in my life and didn't care if it wasn't the best idea or if it would hurt me. I just wanted her to be with me.

I think that's the funniest thing about finally having a genuine, heart-wrenching, crush on someone. Even the smartest people get dumb, the most cautious are reckless and the logical becomes irrational. Everything that made sense doesn't anymore because why the hell are you doing things you normally wouldn't do for someone that doesn't even like you back?

I learnt that first-hand and I wished someone would've warned me before that. Not like I would've believed it but at least it would be playing at the back of my mind. An echo in the distance, a nagging voice.

I did the stupidest stuff once I was certain I was in love with Emma. I knew I was in love with her but I was in denial and did things I regretted. Dating other people, trying to make her jealous, downplaying my feelings when I saw her with Mason or Noah. Pushing her away and avoiding her instead of talking to her...

It's different, falling for your best friend. Feelings and signals are mixed, emotions are at a high and everything is just one confusing mess of a relationship that was once simple and innocent.

And now, here I was, laying on my bed, staring at my phone as if it would magically tell me the right thing to do if I looked long enough. It didn't, of course. I sighed, wondering if I should shoot Emma a text. It's been some time since we just talked for fun and I missed her sorely.

Procrastinating, I swiped through my home page. My eyes caught sight of a certain app that I opened ever so often whenever I was missing my best friend.

~*~*~

"Come on! Just download it!"

I scrunched my nose up. "Give me one good reason why."

"Because you’re the best friend in the whole world and you'll do anything I say because you love me?" she said jokingly while batting her eyelashes at me but my heart started racing.

I was acutely aware of her hand on my thigh and the way she leaned into me. My breath hitched at her nearness even though we've been closer before.

That was something else about having a crush on your best friend. Suddenly, everything felt like too much. Every word, every touch, every damn single thing was overwhelming and honestly? It was exhausting. Not only is it emotionally tiring, you go into this weird phase of wanting to savour everything they do and you can't help but wonder why you didn't appreciate these small moments before. You can't help but feel as if you've wasted them all.

If she could sense me stiffen, she didn't show it 'cuz she just went on. "Also, it's about a cartoon cat that eats to save the world! What's not to love?"

"That sounds ridiculous, Em," I laughed. "What's the game called?"

"Dopey Cat!"

"Oh god," I groaned. "That makes it sounds much worse."

"Or much better!" She nudged me and I felt a jolt go up my arm. I always wondered if these simple touches felt the same to her. "Do it"

"Alright, alright!" I giggled and surrendered. "Only 'cuz I'm such a great friend."

"Yes! And like I said," Emma leaned in and my heart dropped to my stomach. "The best."

She gave me a slow, soft peck on my cheek and rested her head on my shoulder, clinging onto my arm and leaving me a flustered mess.

~*~*~

I thought about that moment often. More often then I'd like to admit. Every time I did, the same thoughts would always come to mind.

What would've happened if I kiss her? What if I just turned my head right before her lips touched my skin? Would she have kissed me back? Would she push me away? Maybe she'd say she felt the same way about me.

But that didn't happen, so all I could do was wonder.

And wonder I did.

Being in my room like this, doing nothing, it really did make my mind go everywhere. I've dreamed and cried and laughed and screamed and doing nothing was suddenly the most taxing thing I've ever done. Doing nothing when you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back was the most dangerous thing 'cuz they’re already always on your mind but when you're doing nothing, your thoughts just spirals down an endless pit of possibilities that'll never happen and ultimately, you get hurt.

But knowing this, I still let my thoughts spiral anyway. How could I not when the joy and peace I got from imaging a world where her and I were together was worth the pain and heartbreak?

'Cuz figment of my imagination or reality, it didn't matter, she was worth it.

I've imagine us on dates, having picnics, watching movies, going on road trips, sleeping over, laughing over nothing, at the park, at the beach, in a field, in our rooms.

I've thought about us dancing in the living room at 12 a.m., huddled in bundles of blankets on a cold night, singing along to our song while making breakfast, staying up under the night sky and talking about everything and nothing until sunrise, being able to introduce her as my girlfriend and kissing her whenever I felt like.

I've dreamt about us so much as a couple that I've accidentally mistaken reality for fiction but like I've said, there's always some truth to fiction.

~*~*~

"Congrats on being co-captains, guys!" Iris wished us enthusiastically, practically jumping up and down.

"Seriously, you guys totally deserve it," Toni agreed.

"Thank you!" Emma said.

"You two are the best duo! Our cheer squad is gonna rule with you both leading us!"

"Thanks," I said and pulled Emma in for a side hug, feeling goosebumps from the contact. "We do make a pretty great couple."

I immediately froze when I realised what I said and mentally kicked myself. 

God, that was so stupid! Why was I so careless? I should watch what I say!

That wasn't the first time I've done it and I was sure it wasn't the last, but just like how Emma was always the only one to mess up my constant, she was the one difference between all the other times and this time.

She had never heard me refer to ourselves as a couple but while I was beating myself up, Emma handled the situation coolly. She slid her hand in mine and squeezed which did nothing to calm my wrecked nerves.

"We definitely sure would! She the sweetest, more caring person in the world and I'd be so lucky to call her mine." She leaned into me and gave me a nudge but all I could do was stare at her, eyes wide and brows raised.

Her deep brown eyes locked onto mine and I swear I could feel the spark between our gaze. And what was that I saw in her eyes? Longing? A hint? I wasn't sure but I could've sworn there was something else I couldn't quite decipher. Then again, I didn't really trust my thoughts. If it could make me believe we were actually a couple, why would I ever trust it in this situation? How could I?

I'm not sure how long we were staring at each other 'cuz to me, it felt timeless. We only broke apart when we heard someone making a retching sound.

"Gross! Go get a room," Lauren said as she walked towards us. "No one wants to see two lesbos in action."

I felt her hand fall out of mine and suddenly, I felt very vulnerable.

"You don't have to be rude!" Iris defended.

"Yeah, Lauren, no one asked," Toni agreed.

Emma spoke up. "Go away, Lauren. No one wants you here." She said it in an almost tired manner. She was done with putting up with her and it showed.

"Aw, protecting your lesbian lover? Cute," Lauren rolled her eyes and walked away. "Whatever, later, losers!"

"Don't listen to her," Toni said after Lauren left.

But how could I not?

"Hey, Ava?"

I could hear the sweet voice of best friend calling out to me but it was distant.

Everything was. I didn't feel like I was in my body. All my senses were numb and I felt nothing. Nothing except the raging white heat within me. I was having an out of body experience in the worst way possible and for a moment, I didn't feel human.

~*~*~

Then Ava was definitely different from Now Ava. Then Ava wanted to cry and run as far as she could. But she couldn't. She was paralysed with fear and embarrassment. Now Ava would've just laughed and called Lauren pathetic. Maybe even give her a nice slap across the face if she felt like it. But Now Ava wasn't Then Ava, so why dwell on the past?

The thing is, I didn't want to. But like that dull throb at the back of your skull after a concussion, I just couldn't ignore it. You tell everyone you're fine, and for the most part, you are. But that annoying sensation, constantly reminding you aren't, that you just couldn't forget. That was that moment with Lauren.

Her words played in my mind on repeat for the first week after hearing it. Months later that voice was softer and less frequent, but it was still there.

A lot happened in those months. The biggest of all? I finally accepted that I was gay. No, not gay, a lesbian.

That word Lauren had spoken with a jeer, the word she used to insult me, the word that was meant to humiliate me, I was that word.

That wasn't the only time I heard it used that way but it was the first time it was used against me. Lauren's words was a constant reminder in my mind that being a lesbian was an embarrassment, that I was an embarrassment.

Then Ava would feel a chill run up her spine when she heard that word even though it wasn't directed to her. And when it finally was, her soul left her body but of course, that would've been too easy. Her soul leaving her body would've been the easy way out. So instead, she was forced back into reality and had to find a way to deal with it.

Now Ava knew it wasn't a bad thing. Of course she did, she was one, after all. So why did Lauren's words still haunt her?

I still had to remind myself that it was okay. It wasn't gross or immoral or whatever nonsense they put into my mind about girls liking other girls. And every time I did, the madder I got. At everyone that has ever said anything about it and at myself.

Because how dare they tell me how to feel?

And how dare I listen to them when I knew it wasn't true?

I was at peace with it now. I was at peace with being a lesbian. But being at peace wasn't the same as embracing it, owning it. And I'm not sure if I ever will, but I hope I do.

I wasn't out to anyone, and god, I've never felt so suffocated in my life. I couldn't even tell Emma 'cuz I was afraid of how she'd react. Or worse, that she'd assume I have a crush on her. And the worst part, that it was true. That I couldn't even deny it.

Not being able to tell your best friend whom you've always told everything to made me feel like shit. It ate away at me every time I was near her and whenever we were talking. I always wanted to bring it up but I never found out how. Maybe I will soon, but not now.

Emma had always been understanding. Even when she didn't get it, she would try. She wasn't quick to judge nor did she so easily jump to conclusions but I couldn't help but think that maybe, she wouldn't be so understanding. 'Cuz that's what you do when you overthink. You worry about things that you shouldn't and you create false scenarios and you just, can't, stop.

Which was exactly what I was doing right now.

I sighed, catching myself before I could spiral any further and rolled onto my side, staring out of the window with my phone abandoned on the bed.

It started drizzling and it was getting pretty cold. I moved to get under my comforter and wrapped the sheets around me.

And once again, I closed my eyes as my mind began to wander.

If only Emma was by my side...

~*~*~

"Oh my god! Ava! Stop!" she would giggle as I showered her in kisses.

"Nu-uh!" I'd respond and wrap her up in my arms, still kissing her wherever I could reach as we rolled around on my bed, playing.

She'd try to escape but since I'm stronger than her, it's useless. She's trapped in my embrace and eventually, she'd give in and hug me back.

We'd laughed about silly inside jokes as we let our hands linger over each other's bodies, not wanting to let go.

I'd pull her tight and she'd rest her head against my chest as the rain outside got heavier.

I'd shower her in compliments and she'd blush. We'd talk about life, our hopes and dreams and ambitions. Our plans and future together.

"Would you still be with me?" I'd ask her.

"Forever and always, baby," she'd reply and give me a reassuring kiss.

We'd waste away the rest of the day together and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

~*~*~

But that was just fantasy. She's not here and I'm not ready. Not ready to come out to Emma, let alone confront her about my feelings for her.

I took a deep breath before opening my eyes, as if I were physically preparing myself to come back to reality. I glanced at my phone screen that was opened at her chat. I picked my phone up and got ready to type but I hesitated.

Should I do this?

I didn't have much of a choice though, 'cuz my phone rang and lo and behold, my best friend, my crush, the girl I fell in love with, appeared as the caller ID.

My heart sank but my stomach filled with butterflies. This conflicting emotion wasn't a rare occurrence ever since I fell for my best friend but that didn't mean I was used to it. Fear and excitement coexisted where it shouldn't which only left me with a familiar uneasy feeling.

I only stopped for a moment before hitting the 'accept call' button.

"Hi!" I heard that cheery voice of hers ring from the other side of the phone and I could feel my insides warm.

Hey, yourself." I smiled. "What's up, Em?"

"Nothing much, I just feel like we haven't talked that much." She paused for a while before adding shyly, "And I miss you."

The warmth spread to my cheeks. "I really missed you too."

I heard her giggle and god, was it the most adorable sound ever. "Good to know. What have you been up to?"

Figuring out my sexuality and pining over you.

"Nothing much, just the usual." Liar. "What about you?"

"Just been thinking about you," she said casually and my heart fluttered.

I cleared my throat. "Any interesting stories lately?"

I heard another heavenly laugh. "Too many!"

She jumped right into it, not stopping once and honestly, I never wanted her to. Her voice in my ear was a comfort and I held onto it for as long as I could.

We talked and laughed for hours and I didn't even notice until I glanced at the clock on my wall. Time passed too quickly whenever I was with her, I always felt like it wasn't enough. It never was.

But then again, an infinite lifetime with her would still feel too short. 

"And then, Mack ran out of the house with our dad chasing her in only his towel and shower cap with his back scrubber!" she laughed unrestrained, not holding it back and lighting up the entire world with it.

"Oh my god!" I laughed along with her. "How did she even pull that off? I can't believe I missed that!"

"See? This is why you should come over more often!"

I didn't know how to respond but it was fine because she started speaking again.

"Wow, I didn't realise the time! I should probably head to bed."

"Yeah, me too," feeling disappointed that she was gonna hang up soon even though I let out a yawn. "But I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"For sure! Good night, Ava."

"Night, Em."

"..."

"..."

"Are you still there?" she asked me.

"Uh, yeah?" I replied. "Put down the phone."

"No, you!" She giggled.

I smiled from hearing it. "You!"

"Ugh, fine! Bye."

"Okay, bye bye."

"..."

"..."

"Hello?"

"Emma," I breath out in a light chuckle. "Go sleep."

"Okay! Okay, for good this time, bye."

"Bye," I laughed and before I could stop myself, I added, "I love you."

And I shot up, frozen in place. It wasn't what I say, it was the way I did. Soft and vulnerable and definitely not just a friend proclaiming her platonic love to her best friend.

I heard Emma suck in a sharp breath as if she caught onto it too, and the line went dead silent.

"Ava-"

I heard her whisper but I pulled my phone away from me as if it was poison eating away at my flesh and hit the 'end call' button, tossing it beside me. I didn't hear her finish her sentence and I wasn't sure if I could handle it if I did.

Shit!

I hit my palm against my face and slid it down, groaning. How was I gonna face her tomorrow?

Just then, I heard my phone go off. The ringtone I had set just for Emma played and I swear I felt my heart stop.

Nervously, I glanced down at my phone to see the notification that popped up.

'I love you too <3'

Warmth spread through my body and I let out an involuntary grin. I fell back onto the bed with my arm covering across my face.

I glanced back at the message and made a high-pitched squeal that I never in a million years thought would come out of my mouth. Leave it to Emma to make me do things I normally wouldn't.

My heart raced in my chest.

She may not have meant it the way I have but it didn't matter because hearing her tell me she loved me was all I needed.

That was another thing about having a crush on your best friend; the I love you's were up for interpretation.

I placed the phone on my chest and let my arms sprawl out on the bed. Whatever sleepiness I had left my body, there was no way I could go to bed now.

So instead, I let my mind roam but this time, willingly. I let my thoughts free fall through a million different possibilities as the night turned to day. 

I watched the sun rise.

And I smiled.

Because falling in love with my best friend was messy and complicated and heart-shattering. But it was also full of excitement and exhilaration and anticipation.

It was rollercoaster of emotions, full of ups and downs and twist and turns and even loops, but that's what made it thrilling. And for the first time in my normal life, I had something to keep me on my toes.

And I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Was my best friend also in love with me? I didn't know. Would I ever know? Maybe, maybe not. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little curious to know how she feels, be it good or bad. Maybe someday I'll ask her. Maybe I'll get to hold her. Maybe she'll never speak to me again.

But until then, all I had were the stories I've made up in my mind.

(More fics!)

[starvels]

The part of the matchmaking reply where you wrote how Steve thinks “but I have you I don’t need anyone else”. Please imagine a scenario Steve getting called out (lovingly, with concern) by a teammate about how he uses Tony as a replacement/proxy for a Significant Other, and how maybe that’s not really fair because Steve knows Tony has feelings for him. The fall out is either:

1) oops Steve did not know that oops oh no uh oh oops oh god that explains what wait oh no (like the AMAZING Sineala fic “The Way of Things”)

2) Thats just how Steve is with romance, maybe he’s aromantic/asexual/grey ace or in that zone and he really does think that what he has with Tony is perfect and he wouldn’t change it and Tony’s also ok with it.

Or 3) Steve DID have an idea and was just clinging to the status quo because he was scared of change/not ready to admit to himself just how bad he wants Tony despite EVERYTHING and has to self reflect until he steps up.

Or 4) what do you think? Maybe the matchmaking is actually Steve trying to solve this lol (idk how that fixes this Steve is bad at feelings ok)

HMMM an interesting thinky-thought, dove. 1. first, here's the link to sineala's fic: a delightful ensemble fic featuring oblivious idiots mutually pining for an entire decade of their lives and their team that's much more in the know, i agree it's Dastardly Cute 2. I really do love any and all interps of characters as other IDs than straight/gay/cis, so a fic where steve is a- some way would be fab and I would definitely enjoy. I feel like I’ve only read one or two of those? for shame.

3. Seems fun, and angst ridden if you take the route that steve knows and actually isn’t ready to admit anything because he actually has that Good Old Catholic Internalized Homophobia. This is peak Ultimates content ty. I would adore an exploration of how steve and tony handle that guilt differently (tony maybe w a catholic latina mom anyone?) but I think someone like @viudanegraaa would be more qualified than me to expound on that lmfao 4. i do think steve struggles with feelings sometimes, bc he, like tony ! feels a lot v intensely. as someone who also does this i really ID with it lol. & i think, personally, i like the notion that steve just doesn’t believe that tony could be in love with him, despite someone telling him so. because how could tony be in love with him and do all those things (registration, illuminaughty, memory wipe, etc). It’s too painful and nonsensical to imagine for him, that tony could reconcile loving steve that way and also betraying him so intimately (steve is a hypocrite and also sincerely a dodo). i think the intimacy that steve shares with tony bypasses known romantic relationships for them and is therefor difficult for them to categorize as something strictly so narrow. someone who has become your home, someone who has radically shaped the entire way you view the world, not just once, but time and time again - is someone who you might see as labeling with romantic-like or as a crush. . . inadequate? poets spend their time aching after what we create, etc. iunno. I think the vastness of that emotion could overwhelm them and (keeping in text, not criticizing the blatant homophobia comic writers approach them with) bc they are both men in a toxic heteropatriarichal society, they can’t translate that relationship to something other than the vast and mighty multiverse encompassing, but undefined bond it is. cap&shellhead, tony&steve. they’re not scared of it nec. but they do spend a lot of their time maneuvering around this great massive emotion with each others’ names sitting, naked as an exposed nerve, in the middle of their lives, unknowing of how to handle the intensity of touching it directly. and even if they did, to lay their lips upon it would be to invite lightning into their veins. and well, who would do that intentionally?