#is this going to be just brendon urie? if so that's really terrifying | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spaceskam · 5 years ago

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i’m a free spirit, that means free from you

i wrote a fic awhile ago about Michael exploring his sexuality. Now that it’s day 6 of @alexmanesappreciation (lost decade/missing scenes), it felt fitting for it to be Alex’s turn!

Warning: internalized homophobia and unhealthy relationships

ao3

.First Kiss.

“Oh, c’mon Alex, she likes you.”

Alex tried to smile as Kyle pestered him after they snuck out of their cabin and started wading through the woods. Summer camp was fine and all, but the longer he stayed there the higher the chances were that he was going to get in trouble. He just wasn’t sure what he was going to get in trouble for. It was just this stupid thing in his head that told him to be good, act normal, stop that.

They got louder every single time one of the other boys got too close to him when they were in their swim trunks.

“Yeah, but Katie? She’s not my type,” Alex said, mimicking what he’d heard his brother Greg say about the nice girl that was in the band at the high school. She made him cookies, wore a lot of stuff with skulls on them, and introduced him to a cool band called Blink-182. She stopped coming around after Greg told her she wasn’t his type.

“Type?” Kyle laughed, “She’s a girl! She’s got boobs!”

Alex tried to remind himself that he was supposed to like that even though he didn’t quite understand why.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Alex said, nodding.

They reached the riverbank where the rest of their friends‒or, really, Kyle’s friends‒had congregated, sneaking out after the counselors had gone to their own party for the night. It was ten of them in total, five from the boys side of camp and five from the girls. Alex didn’t even want to sneak out, really scared of what would happen if someone found out, but Kyle had grabbed his arm and begged him and he just said yes.

“Let’s play truth or dare!” Katie said, making sure to look right at Alex as she said so. He instinctively looked to Kyle, hoping he would be on his side and say no.

“Oh, fuck yeah,” Kyle said, agreeing like the rest of the guys and girls. Alex was the only one who didn’t want to, but he couldn’t be the only one who didn’t want to. That’s how you get people to make fun of you.

So they all sat down and the game just started. Everyone was being dumb, daring dumb things that Alex thought were stupid. He was the only one that kept saying truth and, even then, they weren’t anything fun and then he couldn’t come up with anything good and it just wasn’t fun. He kept looking to Kyle, kept trying to signal to him that this wasn’t fun, but it didn’t seem to click.

“Alex, truth or dare,” Katie said, eyes on him. She was pretty, she was. She had pretty hair and a pretty face and... boobs or something. But every time she looked at him, he got a little nervous.

“Truth,” he said again. Everyone immediately started complaining.

“You can’t keep saying truth!” Wyatt told him, “It’s no fun, you’re ruining the game.”

“Yeah, Alex, just say dare,” Kyle pressed. Alex glared at him for a second before sighing and slumping his shoulder. What could one dare do? Kyle had already drank river water.

“Fine,” he agreed, “Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss me,” Katie said. Everyone around them ooh’d and Alex felt straight up terrified for a moment. He was a kid, he was way too young to be kissing anyone. Thirteen was way too young, didn’t they know that.

“In front of everybody?” Alex asked, voice cracking. She rolled her eyes dramatically.

“No, silly,” she said and he almost sighed in relief. Almost. “In the woods.”

Another round of ooh’s surrounding him and making him feel like he had literally no fucking choice in the matter. He knew that if he tried to tell them he didn’t want to, they’d make fun of him. He knew if he asked for a different dare, they’d make fun of him. And, at the end of the day, it was just a kiss. Why not get the first one over with anyway?

Alex did what he was told and stood up. He and Katie went into the woods, just out of the line of sight of the rest, and then they just stood there. She was a little taller than he was and way too close, smiling at him as wide as she could.

“So...”

“So,” she said, “Kiss me.”

“I-I don’t really know how to,” he said. She rolled her eyes.

“It’s easy, you just do this with your lips,” Katie told him, pursing her lips and closing her eyes. And then she waited. Alex just stared at her for a minute until she opened her eyes and looked at him expectantly. “Alex, you gotta do it too.”

“Oh,” he said. And he did. And he kissed her.

It was quick and weird and he understood the whole kissing thing a billion times less than before. But when they separated, she was smiling so big and her face was red. Clearly she’d enjoyed it which had him lost even more. Did something happen that he missed? It just felt weird.

“You’re my boyfriend now, right?” she said. He blinked in confusion.

“Uh...”

“Yay!” Katie said, grabbing his hand and leading him back towards the group.

He wiped his mouth off on the back of his hand and started planning ways to avoid that ever happening again.

.First Crush.

Alex bit down on his thumb nail as he looked around the room, making sure no one would look over his shoulder.

Of course they wouldn’t, he knew that, it was a public library and no one cared, but still. His eyes swept around a couple more times before he realized the more he did that, the more suspicious he looked, so he might as well just do what he came here for.

He gulped harshly and, with shaky hands, clicked the internet icon. Quickly, he typed in how do you know if you’re gay in the search bar. It loaded too slow and it made him look around again as if his dad was going to come out of nowhere. He knew that wasn’t it. He was fifteen now, his dad did let him go to the library by himself.

He scrolled through all the web pages, skimming the little summary but none of them answered his question. He just needed an answer, he needed someone to tell him. The more people around him called him gay, the less he felt like he understood it. How was he the one being called gay when they were the ones who compared their dicks in the locker room and he didn’t want to be apart of it? How was he the one being gay when he was the only one who looked away during that gross puberty class? How did watching the I Write Sins Not Tragedies music video more than once make someone gay? More importantly, what was so gay about having friends that were girls?

They all threw that word and none of them seemed to make sense. They never called him gay when he accidentally stared too long the first time he got in the locker room with the seniors. They never called him gay when he forgot how to breathe every time Mr. Edwards bent over to pick up a pencil. They never called him gay when he was really interested in watching wrestling. How was he supposed to know when everything seemed so disjointed?

Alex scrolled a little more and saw a link to something labeled ‘Am I Gay? Quiz 100% Accurate’ and, well, he couldn’t help himself.

Question #1: What do you consider yourself? Straight, Gay, Bisexual, Other

He stared at it with furrowed eyebrows, the cursor hovering over each option maybe a little longer than he should’ve. He eventually settled on straight. He had kissed girls and had girlfriends before even if it wasn’t great, it was still what he’d been doing. That was straight.

Question #2: In the locker room, did you ever peek over at another guy? Yes seize the opportunity, Yes but out of curiosity, No gross, No but I wanted to

Alex swallowed hard, his stomach churning. The mouse hovered over the first option. But was it like that though? Yes, he had looked, but he wasn’t trying to be gross or anything. He didn’t want to make anyone feel bad. He quickly selected the second option instead.

Question #3: You’re in a relationship with a girl, but you discover that there is a guy who likes you. What do you do? Stay with the girl because you like her, stay with the girl because you feel like you should, never go out with a girl in the first place, break up with the girl for the guy

That one at least felt obvious. Of course he would stay with the girl. What kind of person just breaks up with someone because someone else likes them? That’s just mean. He chose the second option instead of the first and decided not to think too hard about why.

Question #4: Would you ever cheat on a girl with a... girl, guy, I wouldn’t cheat

He smiled at the second no-brainer in a row. He would never cheat. He wasn’t an asshole.

Question #5: Why are you taking this quiz? I’m bored, I’m confused, I’m gay

Alex stared at it longer than he should’ve. Why was he taking this quiz? Shouldn’t he know these things? It shouldn’t be hard. He should know who he was sexually attracted to, right? He should know. But it wasn’t that fucking easy. He’d met girls who were pretty. Did he want to sleep with them? No, but he hadn’t really met any guys in person that he wanted to sleep with either. It was too much, too confusing.

So, he clicked that he was confusing.

The loading bar stayed on the screen for way too long, but, sure enough, a screen popped up that he was, in fact, straight just a little confused. Which was apparently normal. Alex leaned back, nodding to himself. He was normal.

Alex exited out of the browser and got up, pulling out his iPod from his pocket. He put his headphones over his ears and waved to the nice librarian as he left before pressing play. He felt good, normal, as he walked in time to the MCR song that flooded through his ears towards Bean Me Up. He’d taken a test and even it said he was fine. He’d be fine.

He ordered a coffee and walked to the other side of the counter to wait, leaning against the wall. A smile easily found his face as Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At the Disco started flooding into his ears. He found it impossible not to smile when he heard Brendon Urie’s voice. How was someone that fucking talented?

Then everything slowed down as someone appeared outside the window.

The seductive singing only seemed to set the stage as Marcus Lopez, current quarterback at Roswell High, slowed to a stop, breathing heavy and sweating with his workout gear clinging to his brown skin that literally was glowing under the sun. Alex couldn’t fucking breathe as he pulled his shirt up and over his head and used it to wipe his face dry, exposing his toned stomach and flexing his biceps. He pulled a water bottle out of nowhere and poured it into his mouth, some of the water missing and sliding over each crevice of his body.

Oh.

.First Boyfriend.

“What are you playing?”

Alex looked over to the doorway to see Elijah Thibodaux staring at him. He was the senior boy who got the lead in every school musical and every solo in choir. He was talented and every girl in theatre and choir was obsessed with him. Alex, however, kept his appreciation to himself.

“Oh, uh, I wrote it,” Alex admitted, shyly looking back to his guitar. He tried to keep playing so he’d come off as cool, but he was feeling a little flustered. Boys didn’t really talk to him if they could help it and this one boy was not only talking to him, but he was super cute.

“Musetta’s Waltz.”

“Huh?” Alex asked. Elijah smiled at him and walked further into the music room, straddling the chair beside him.

“That’s Musetta’s Waltz,” Elijah told him, “Not an original.”

Alex stopped playing, embarrassment filling his system. Leave to him to fuck it up the minute he tried to be cool. Elijah just laughed it off though, scooting closer. Alex tried not to seize up as his hand touched his back. Why was a suave senior touching him? What the fuck was that supposed to be mean?

Elijah’s hand slid up to Alex’s shoulder and he looked over at him.

“Go on, play something for me,” Elijah told him, looking at him with those obscenely green eyes and batting those long eyelashes against his pale cheeks. Alex swallowed hard and nodded, looking back down to his guitar. Instinct took over and Alex slowly started strumming the chords to Wonderwall. Elijah moved his hand up to his jaw. “You’re really good.”

“Thank you,” Alex said, looking over at him and trying to remember how to breathe. His strumming got a little sloppy, but it didn’t seem to matter. Elijah just leaned in close, smiling and his eyes flickering down to his lips and back up again. Alex didn’t have time to even process it before he was being kissed.

Alex stared with wide eyes as Elijah pulled away, struggling to comprehend what the hell just happened. It didn’t make any sense. Elijah was gorgeous and desired and Alex was… What?

“You just kissed me,” Alex said blankly. Elijah grinned.

“Yeah.” And then he did it again.

Alex melted at the attention. It was the first time a boy had ever given him so much attention. He had no idea what to even do with it.

After that, Alex slowly found himself at Elijah’s beck and call. They would make out behind the bleachers and late at night after sneaking out. Elijah flooded him with compliments and only persuaded him a little to send raunchy pictures or do things he wasn’t quite sure about. But it was fine because he was his boyfriend. That’s what you did with boyfriends.

They carried on like that for a few months, all of it secret. Alex wanted to tell Maria and Liz about him a few times, but Elijah said it was a bad idea and he knew it. He loved them but he wasn’t sure they’d be able to keep it a complete secret. And no one could find out about Elijah and him because of his dad.

But it was a couple nights before the spring choir concert when Alex started hearing things about Elijah having a girlfriend. That didn’t make sense to Alex and he was sure it wasn’t real. People must’ve gotten things confused. Elijah was close to a lot of girls, it was bound to happen. Elijah was Alex’s boyfriend. No one else’s. But, still, Alex found himself a little more willing to send more explicit pictures for a couple days just to make sure he still held his attention.

Which didn’t stop him from walking down the hall, hand in hand with a girl on the day of the spring choir concert.

Alex didn’t know how to deal with the pain that flooded his system at the sight. He got irrationally upset and wanted to confront him right there, but he decided to wait. He waited until lunch time and they met up at their usual spot behind the bleachers. That’s where they would kiss and talk and do boyfriend things.

“I saw you with that girl,” Alex said boldly as Elijah went to greet him with a kiss. He had the audacity to be confused and, when he realized Alex was serious, he rolled his eyes. “Are you cheating on me?”

“Look, it’s not that big of a deal. I started talking to Cassie way before I even started talking to you,” Elijah told him. The way he said it made it sound like it made it less mean. It didn’t stop Alex’s heart from breaking. “It’s not the same.”

“What do you mean it’s not the same? You’re cheating on me!”

Elijah sighed, “Don’t be dramatic, it’s not cheating.”

“Then what do you call it?”

“Alex, it doesn’t even count. I mean, you’re a guy.”

Alex blinked and swallowed harshly, trying to follow his train of thought. It counted for him. It really, really counted for him. That wasn’t fair.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” Alex said softly. Elijah scoffed.

“Oh, c’mon, don’t be like that.”

“No, ‘cause it counts for me. It’s cheating.”

Alex was proud of himself for being man enough to walk away.

Less proud of himself for taking all the way up until Elijah graduated two months later before he stopped answering every time he called.

.First Love.

“You trust me?”

“Um, yes.”

“Then c’mon.”

Alex bit down on his bottom lip as he caved and jumped into the passenger seat of Michael’s truck. They were newly graduated, fresh adults, and everyone was supposed to be going to graduation parties. Of course, Liz wasn’t around anymore and Alex was finding it hard to celebrate when Rosa was dead.

But he still told his dad he was going to one which meant he could sneak off with Michael.

Part of him felt a little guilty for allowing himself even a shred of happiness, but then all he had to do was look at Michael’s fucked hand and he realized nothing really mattered. Soon, he’d be off to basic and he’d have to leave Michael behind. He was going to steal all the happiness he could.

Michael draped his arm around Alex’s shoulders as he drove out to the middle of nowhere and Alex leaned into his side. His head hit his shoulder and his eyes closed, soaking up the closeness of, well, him. He smelled like motor oil since he drove straight from work to graduation. Alex didn’t mind. In fact, he was pretty sure he would miss that smell when he was gone.

Alex tilted his head back to press a kiss to his neck and, from the corner of his eye, saw Michael smile. He had such a gorgeous smile. He was just gorgeous in general with his big, expressive eyes and sunburnt cheeks. Beautiful, kind, caring, what more could someone ask for in a boyfriend?

The truck pulled to a stop in the middle of the desert, far away from where anyone could stumble upon them, much less find them on purpose. It was a comforting thought.

The two of them climbed into the bed of the truck and laid out his sleeping bags to give them some sort of cushion before they laid down. Alex laid directly in his arms and Michael responded with a sweet little hum as they got comfortable.

“So, what’s next?” Alex asked, “What’s your plan?”

“I don’t know. Fix up cars, work on ranches, save up money.”

“What happened to UNM?”

Michael was quiet for a moment before he exhaled heavily for a solid ten seconds. Alex tilted his head up to see that he very clearly hadn’t anticipated this conversation. Which was valid. But Alex knew they had limited time together. He wanted to make sure Michael was going to do something good with that big brain of his.

“I don’t think I’m gonna go,” Michael admitted, “Too big of a change all at once.”

Alex furrowed his eyebrows. “How? Everything’s gonna change already.”

“Yeah, but… At least staying here I have Max and Isobel,” Michael said. Alex lifted his head to meet his eyes. Michael was visibly sad, but he was trying to hide it. He sucked at hiding it. “I don’t know, I’m just not ready.”

“But you’re so smart. What happened to ag? You’ve been wanting to do that since I met you,” Alex pointed out. Michael forced a flirtatious little smile.

“Well, who’s gonna cheer me on when you’re gone?” he teased. But Alex didn’t find it funny.

“Guerin, don’t base your future around me. As much as I would love to be there with you every step of the way, you need to think about it for real. You could be something great, don’t bury yourself in me,” Alex told him, watching his smile fade. It was replaced by a sad bit of understanding.

“I know. I’m just gonna miss you,” he said.

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Alex agreed.

Michael stared at him for a moment before looking away and up towards the sky, no longer making eye contact as he steadied his breathing. Alex knew he didn’t like talking about the future or the fact that Alex was leaving or the idea of growing up. For someone who had no real sense of stability, he hated any type of change. It was confusing and Alex didn’t know how to make him understand that he just wanted what was best for him.

Then it dawned on him that maybe that’s what love really was.

“Hey,” Alex said, gently laying his palm on Michael’s cheek and guiding his sight back to him, “I know it’s going to be weird after I leave and I still want you to do something good with your brain, but this isn’t forever. I’m coming home. I don’t know when or, or who I’ll be when I do, but I’m gonna come home to you. I promise.”

And that seemed to be good enough for Michael. At least for that night.

.First ‘I Love You’.

“Like it fuckin’ matters? No one in our crew is a queer anyways.”

Alex forced a laugh and focused on his food. As of this morning, DADT was finally gone. Part of him thought he’d feel safer once it was, but he didn’t. The threat was still there. Now he just didn’t have a whole law to keep his self esteem from eating away at itself.

He wanted to shout it from the rooftops that he was here, he was queer, and if anyone had a problem with it, he would show them up. But then people that he hung out with every day, his friends, said things that scared the shit out of him. He knew that, if he came out, they probably wouldn’t actually care and would only require a little bit of reform, but the word probably still kept him in his cage.

“Manes!” Alex lifted his head to Col. Monroe, the man looking slightly more irritated than usual. “Do I need to send you to go hunt down Lawrence or is he on his way? I need to have a talk with him.”

A talk. Alex’s stomach dropped, but he didn’t let it show. Instead, he stood to his feet.

“I’ll go find him, Sir.”

“Good man.”

Alex discarded his tray quickly and headed to Jay’s place on base. His heart was thudding in his chest and slowly began to think this was probably on purpose. Jay Lawrence was a very reckless man and if almost pissing off someone high ranking was what it took to get Alex alone, well, he didn’t put it past him.

Alex knocked on the door and it opened almost immediately. Jay stood at attention just to be safe, his toned body barely restrained by his almost-too-small uniform when he flexed, but he gave a sneaky little smile once he saw Alex. Then he pulled him inside. Once the door was closed, Alex was being kissed so senseless that it took him a moment to forget why he even came in the first place.

He grabbed Jay’s elbows, breathing him in as he reluctantly pulled away. When he opened his eyes, Jay was just staring at him like he was the best thing to grace the Earth and it was easy to feel flustered by that. Alex wasn’t stupid, he knew Jay liked him more than he liked Jay. But Alex admittedly liked the attention and he definitely liked not feeling so alone, so he said nothing.

“DADT is fucking gone, A,” he said, a weight very clearly thrown off his shoulders, “Like officially. No rumors of it being gone, no vague date, no waiting. It’s gone. We, we could be something for real.”

Alex rubbed his thumb over his forearm, smiling slightly. He was younger than Alex, not by much but by enough. He had a family who loved him, who he was out to and who didn’t mind. They all agreed to keep hush so he could serve his country though. He was so pure and kind. He was way too good for Alex.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Alex teased lightly, sliding his hand up to the side of his neck. He��d never been with a man who was so dark that it made him look so pale in comparison before, but, like always, he found it hard to stop staring. They looked good together, objectively, aesthetically. They could be so good. “People still don’t like it. They were bitching about it in the DFAC.”

“Fuck them, what are they gonna do?” Jay asked, stepping in close again to go for another kiss. Reluctantly, Alex dodged it.

“Monroe sent me to find you. Said he wants to talk to you,” Alex told him. His smile faded just a little.

“Okay, then I’ll go, but don’t change the subject,” Jay said, moving his hands to his hips, “C’mon, let’s talk about it. When can we make it public? Or, just, like stop trying so hard to hide?”

Alex stared at him, trying to find a way to say never. If it got back to his father that he was seeing someone in the Air Force, Jay would be so fucked. His career, his life, his entire self would never be the same if his father had a say. That was difficult to explain, especially to someone who had never met the man. But Alex heard it loud and clear when he first met the General and he said, “Manes? I served with your grandpa. Good man.”

He could never be safe and queer here.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Especially not here, not now,” Alex said softly. Jay’s smile dropped and Alex’s heart ached in its wake.

“A,” Jay said, shaking his head, “You said once DADT was gone, we could‒”

“The stigma is still there. We’ll still be targeted and I don’t want that for you, for either of us.”

“Fuck them!”

“That’s not how this works,” Alex said calmly, “These are people we have to fight beside, you can’t make them hate who you are and you can’t not care what they think.”

“I love you,” Jay said desperately, trying to get him to understand how much he didn’t care about anything else. Alex felt his mouth go dry and his eyes widened. “Look, if it’s that bad, let’s leave when our contract is up. I wanna be with you more than I want to be some fucking war hero.”

“I…” Alex said, clearing his throat as he took a step back, “I’m not leaving the Air Force. I’m not coming out. I’m sorry.”

“Are you serious, right now?” Jay demanded. The hurt was clear on his face and Alex felt so fucking bad. But it wasn’t an option. “So what was all that shit you told me, huh? Just stuff to keep me around so your dick had something better than your hand?”

Alex didn’t know what to say, so instead he said nothing. Jay shook his head and sniffled and suggested that he leave. So Alex left.

The Colonel ended up telling Jay that his sister, a strong willed woman slowly climbing the ranks in the army, had committed suicide. He left after his term was up.

Alex thought about him more than he would ever admit.

.First Pride.

“Do you think I look too gay?”

“I am going to destroy that thought process one day. One day.”

Alex rolled his eyes, but Forrest grinned over his shoulder and dragged his hands over his hips and it was hard to be annoyed. Forrest was kind and supportive and brought a side of Alex out that he thought had been long buried. It made him feel a little bit better, a little bit stronger. Something was still missing, but he wasn’t scared anymore.

“But to answer your question, no, you don’t look ‘too gay’. Whatever that means,” Forrest said, “Even if you did, we’re literally going to a pride party so it doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t want your friends to think I’m weird.”

“Alex, all of my friends are queer. All of them. You will be the only straight-passing one there.”

“Straight-passing? That’s a thing?”

“You have so much to learn.”

Alex rolled his eyes again, shaking his head. Forrest just pressed a kiss to his neck before putting his hands on his shoulders, trying to massage out the tension. Alex didn’t think it would work. He was nervous to be so… out there. Sure, he kissed Forrest in the Wild Pony, but that was different. He was high on adrenaline. This was real and prolonged.

This was going to a gay bar with a man on his arm.

He spent a lot of time trying to decipher what exactly out was for him. Was it screaming from the rooftops or was it just being comfortable in his skin? He still wasn’t quite sure. For right now, though, he could try screaming from the rooftops. Forrest seemed to like it and, well, it was better than hiding.

As they made their way towards Planet 7, Alex felt himself get even more anxious. He was so fucking terrified that he was going to do something wrong, that he was going to embarrass himself. He still was trying to comprehend the difference between being too gay and not gay enoguh, where he fit on that scale, if it mattered.

Forrest said it didn’t matter, but then he would start talking about shit Alex had never even heard of and he suddenly felt like he was bad at being queer. There were so many words he didn’t know, so much he had to learn about not only being a gay man, but the other people who were LGBT+ and the history behind it. It was almost overwhelming. Fascinating, though.

“Hey,” Forrest said as he walked up to a table. It was four of Forrest’s friends, all having colorful hair and having pride-themed makeup. Alex tried not to feel so out of place or envious. He had a feeling that if he met people like this back in high school, he would’ve become someone a lot different. It was hard being the only punk one in Roswell.

“This must be the boyfriend,” one of Forrest’s friends said. Alex gave a smile and shrugged as Forrest led him to sit beside him at the table. “I’m Em, I use they/them pronouns.”

“I’m Casey, Em’s girlfriend, I use she/they.”

“Ryan, he/him.”

“And I’m Sophie and I use ‘em all.”

Alex hesitantly looked over Forrest for guidance. He just gave an encouraging smile and nodded towards them as if he didn’t feel out of place as it was. But he was willing to try.

“I’m Alex, I use he/him, I guess,” he said. He felt like he was back in basic, starting from scratch on how to interact with people. He didn’t wanna fuck up.

“I may have told them you needed a solid introduction of everyone,” Forrest laughed. Alex tried to laugh a little too and definitely did a lot better once he got some alcohol in his system.

For the next couple hours, Alex mainly listened to them talk, but he wasn’t bored. It was a nice change of pace. No aliens or government conspiracies. Instead, they spoke of politics and movies and books and people. They invited Alex to go with them the next weeked when they planned to give supplies to homeless people (something they did regularly) and tend to the community garden they’d started to supply people who needed it with free food. They didn’t seem to mind that he was learning the proper language or the way to act, they welcomed him with open arms because he was trying to learn. It made it so much easier to relax.

But then Isobel and Michael walked in.

They didn’t approach him, but they waved and he waved back. After a few too many minutes of wondering how the hell Isobel got Michael here, Alex offered to go buy the next round of drinks. He went to stand by them as he did so.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Isobel teased. Alex gave her a warm smile and then did the same to Michael. He looked a little tired, but he was able to smile back easily.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Alex said before ordering the drinks, “Shocked you got Guerin all the way out here.”

“I’m trying something new,” Michael said. Alex nodded.

“I feel that. So am I.”

“How does it feel to be out? I’m loving it,” Isobel said. Alex snorted.

“I know you are,” he said, “But it looks good on you, all the confidence and ‘fuck you’ attitude. Suits you.”

“Speaking of, I’m going to go work on getting laid,” Isobel sighed happily, turning on her seat and heading to where people were congregating and celebrating most. And then there were two.

“What about you?” Michael asked.

“Hmm?”

“You said all the being out looks good on Isobel. What about yourself?” Michael said, staring at him like he really wanted an answer. Alex licked his lips and thought about it, looking over to where Forrest and his friends were laughing.

“I don’t think I know yet,” Alex admitted, “I’m still trying to figure out what that even means to me, you know? Like Isobel and Forrest, they like that it’s known from the moment someone sees them. And it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just…”

“Invasive,” Michael noted. Alex nodded.

“Yeah. But it’s better than hiding, so I think it’s good for me.”

“I’m happy for you,” Michael told him and he sounded sincere even as he sipped his virgin daiquiri. Alex smiled.

“Thank you.”

Alex took the drinks back to the table and fit himself back into the conversation. Another couple hours went by before it was nearing its way towards midnight and they decided it was time to go home. They said their goodbyes and nice-to-meet-yous before going their separate ways.

“You were uncomfortable.”

“Huh?”

Alex turned to Forrest who had happily agreed to stay sober to drive while Alex drank to release the tension. The night sky was full of stars and the moon was full and Forrest was smiling, but it didn’t make sense with his words.

“Tonight. Being there made you uncomfortable. Was it the crowd? The rainbows? Just overwhelming in general? Talk to me,” Forrest pressed. Alex licked his lips and shifted in his seat.

“I-I think I’m more of a private person, I guess,” he tried, hoping his words didn’t come off as offensive, “It’s nice being out and proud, but… I guess I still don’t feel like me.”

“You know there’s a middle ground, right?” Forrest said. Alex gave him his full attention, eager to hear about what that might look like. “It’s your business, Alex. Not showing it always doesn’t mean you’re hiding.”

“I guess.”

“Some people that’s who they are, you know? It’s not a bad thing, it’s just who they are, it’s who I am. Our personalities are loud and that part of us shines through. You don’t have to force yourself to be bigger than you are to be queer enough. As long as you feel like yourself then it doesn’t fucking matter,” Forrest said. Alex gave him a confused smile.

“But I thought you said‒”

“Well, maybe I was wrong,” Forrest admitted. Alex relaxed more than he had in awhile. “That was before I got to know you and your past and before I understood that being private didn’t mean you were ashamed. I don’t want you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not for me. You can be Alex Manes, war hero who happens to be gay. You don’t have to be Alex Manes, gay war hero.”

Alex closed his eyes and smiled to himself, feeling better than he had in a long time.

Maybe he could just be him.

.Forever.

“Holy fuck, what did you take?”

“Um, antidepressants?”

A shocked laugh bubbled out of Michael and Alex smiled in response, propping his head up on his hand as he stared at the man he was going to spend his life with. He was all laid out after what honestly could’ve been two hours of fucking outside‒Alex wasn’t sure, he wasn’t really focused on the clock‒and he was in a blissful, sweaty daze. It was one of Alex’s many favorite sights.

After about a year of living in town together and talking about what they wanted to do, the two of them made the unanimous decision to fully renovate Jim Valenti’s hunting cabin and make that their permanent residence. Sure, the drive was a pain, but everything else made it worth it. They had all the privacy in the world to do things like fuck on the daybed Isobel insisted putting on their back porch the minute they mentioned building a pool.

“Aren’t antidepressants supposed to make you less sexually active or something?” Michael asked, slowly regaining his strength and using it to reach for Alex.

“I mean, it’s a common side effect, but I’ve only had that problem a couple times,” Alex admitted, sinking back into the daybed to press a kiss to his sweaty chest. Michael wrapped his arms around him and Alex found himself smiling even wider.

If someone had told him five years ago that he would be happily engaged to Michael Guerin, he would’ve laughed. He never saw himself being in a place where he felt comfortable enough to be in a loving, committed, serious relationship. Every other time, it was so easy to hide‒whether that be hiding in himself or from himself. Michael was the only one who seemed to be on the same wavelength.

It just took him awhile to get there.

“God, I fucking love you,” Michael groaned, squeezing him so tight that Alex couldn’t help but smile so wide it hurt his cheeks. He accepted the kisses that doused his face.

“I love you too.”

Alex tilted his head up to meet him in a kiss, one leading to another until they were slipping into a lazy makeout session. They would eventually have to get up, clean off, get dress, act like useful members of society, but wasn’t it so much fun to do nothing but enjoy each other?

They were over 30. They’d wasted their 20s being confused and lost and sad and now they were grown ass men and they’d both refused to waste their lives being so miserable. A little bit of therapy and self-inspection had made it clear they just needed to work a bit harder to make that possible. Apparently, they had very similar hangups.

So they adjusted to make things work. Michael assured Alex that he was enough all the time, doting on him in a way that Alex craved and needed so he wouldn’t second guess himself. Alex made sure to always keep Michael in the loop even if it felt stupid, a small but difficult change to make sure Michael never felt like he was going to be left behind. They always let each other know where they were, who they were with, what they were doing. It wasn’t about control, it was about comfort. They’d gone too many years not knowing. It was so much easier to know.

“I was thinkin’ about our wedding,” Michael whispered, breaking the endless string of kisses. Alex smiled at the word. He never in a million year saw himself getting married. But, damn, might as well. “What if we did it in that big church in the middle of Roswell?”

“You wanna get married in a church?” Alex laughed. Michael ran his hand over his chest.

“I mean, not really, but I think it’d be super fucking funny. Besides, wouldn’t that make us the first queer couple to get married inside Roswell lines? That’d be fuckin’ hilarious.”

“Oh, you want our wedding to be funny?”

“I mean, yeah,” Michael admitted. Alex laughed softly and shook his head. “I know you don’t like big stuff like that, but c’mon. We could laugh about it with our grandchildren.”

Alex smiled even bigger and pushed himself up to give him another kiss. Wedding, grandchildren, fiance. He got to use those words all for himself. Wasn’t that wild?

“Okay, let’s do it. Our wedding pictures can have us flipping off everyone.”

“See?” Michael said, “You get it.”

A few more kisses later, they eventually decided to be grownups and they pulled themselves to their feet to go inside and clean up, make dinner, take care of themselves. Everything felt so easy. Sure, bad days came still and arguments still happened, but Alex was happy.

It turns out, while his goal had always been to just be able to relax, the real happy ending was freedom.

And, with Michael, he was free.

#alexweek2020 #alexappreciation2020 #alex manes #alex manes fic #malex fic #roswell new mexico #my fic #malex #forlex

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stricken-with-clairvoyancy · 5 years ago

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Prinxiety fic recs

Hey everyone, I know isolation is difficult, and a good majority of the fandom use fics as an escape mechanism, so hopefully some people can get a kick out of some of these. As my blog title suggests, I mostly just consume prinxiety content, so this list is for any prinxiety stans out there. Feel free to add on with your own fics or recs, regardless of ship! All fics are completed unless stated otherwise, to avoid giving anyone WIPlash. :)

First up, literally anything by the Queen of Prinxiety (and stunning writing in general) @coconut-cluster. Hers was one of the first blogs who’s writing I got really invested in, and her writing is like the equivalent of snuggling into a warm blanket in the sunshine. It’s good stuff y’all. Writing masterlist If you’re overwhelmed by how many incredible stories she’s written though, I gotchu fam, here are some of my favourites to get you started: Sciamachy, My dreams made music in the night, Snowball fight

Powerless by @impatentpending . One of the best stories I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading, better than most published literature I daresay. Seriously it’s just,,, so good!!! If you haven’t read it yet I highly recommend you do. You’ve got morally grey villains, you’ve got wit, you’ve got a hoverbike named Brendon Urie. It’s an all round good time, except when, you know, it’s angsty.

The To Love And Be Loved series by @virgilsjourney It’s so soft!!! So light and sweet and comforting!!! You’ve got hurt/comfort (heavy on the comfort) with a large helping of mutual pining, and it’s the perfect fic if you need a pick-me-up after a long day.

Butterflies by @creativenostalgiastuff . I live for techie Virgil and this fic does not disappoint. Incredibly cute, Roman gets the validation he deserves, 10/10.

My true love gave to me by @lovelylogans Honestly my favourite oneshot of all time, I giggle the whole way through when reading this. The sheer magnitude of their mutual pining,,, incredible. Genuinely this fic is so wonderful and funny and lighthearted and sweet and hhhhhhhhhh. Looking at her masterlist I’ve also come to realise that she’s written a lot of my favourites, so I’ll just link that here! :)

Wet blanket , Life of the party and Social grace by @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors. A tad angsty, but so worth the read, and they more than make up for any potential hurt with the gratuitous fluff. Hella soft, superb writing. On another note, if you haven’t already, you should absolutely read their jaw-droppingly amazing series Love and other fairytales. Romantic lamp and a heck tonne of cool worldbuilding, gripping plot and fae galore, prepare to become thoroughly invested.

A dragon’s tail by @theeternalspace . This one had me on the edge of my seat you guys, it’s so gripping you’ll wanna stay up all night reading it. You’ve got prince!Virgil, you’ve got knight!Roman, you’ve got Dragon!Logan. Need I say more?

The most adorable Parents!Prinxiety headcanons you ever did read, by the incredible @thelowlysatsuma , with a tooth-rottingly sweet fic to go with it by @watchoutforthefanfics . You WILL get cavities and you WILL sob at the soft domesticity of it all.

@shakesqueer-writes is lowkey a Prinxiety GOD so I’m just gonna link you to their whole entire masterlist of masterpieces.

The phenomenal It’s only logical by @tinysidestrashcaptain . This one is incomplete, but it’s honestly so perfectly written that it’s going on here anyway. I can only dream of achieving Virgil’s level of sass in this fic, an absolute icon. It’s a flower shop au AND a coffee shop au babyyy.

I can only assume from the remarkable quality of the writing that Keep him safe by @whatwashernameagain gets recommended a lot, as it RIGHTLY DESERVES. This fic is also incomplete, but so worth waiting for, each new chapter is a sucker punch of emotions and the character development is second to none. I’d definitely heed the trigger warnings on this one though, it does handle (very well and realistically) some darker themes. There’s also a raccoon named Cat and I love her.

A get-together and getting together by @hickory-dickory-doc-k Fake! dating! Fake! Dating! Fake! Dating! Fak- Ok but for real though guys this one is so gosh darn cute I dropped everything on Christmas day to rush upstairs and read it when the last chapter came out and I was grinning so much lemme tell you. I’ve read a lot of fake dating aus in my time and this one honestly takes the cake.

(I’d never) want once from the cherry tree written by @ace-corvid with gorgeous art to go with it by @blank-ace . YouTuber au!!! Virgil gets to be the chaotic conspiracy guy we know he secretly longs to be, and Roman gets the adoring fanbase he deserves. The humour is also on point. I mean, Deceit’s name in Virgil’s contacts is Snake fursona man, and honestly if that doesn’t sell it, I don’t know what will.

Of trying and towers by @parsnipit . An oldie but a classic, this story is phenomenal. It’s got action! It’s got magical curses! It’s got so many dragons! It’s got highkey terrified but also kinda badass Virgil! It’s so good you guys, the plot and the family bonding and hhhhhhh dragons are so cool.

Destined by @rosesisupposes . Oooooh this one has such a fun premise. Virgil’s a sage (kind of like a seer) and is just kinda vibing with the humans until sh*t goes down, ft sass, flirting, pun-based bakeries, and a coffee machine named Gilda. It’s great. I love it.

Long live by @meginoi . It’s!!! Essentially a really cool princess diaries au!!! How rad is that? Virgil is pretty much permanently stressed, but Pat and Lo are supportive bros and he ;) has ;) Roman ;) there ;) to ;) help.

Falling (falling) by @basically-i-write-shit . Don’t let their url fool you this fic is honestly so gripping, I stayed up way into morning bingeing it. Be warned though, it does handle some pretty dark topics, so heed the trigger warnings. ft. single dad Virgil and babysitter Roman!

Inks and tallies by @skittlesun . Tattoo 👏 artist 👏 Roman 👏 Frick 👏 Yeah 👏 Also by the same author, the amazing fic The betting pool is an absolute delight. Flirting galore. Go read it pls.

Late night, long night by @crowleyspraisekink . Virgil’s in a tank top and Roman is Gay Panic tm. Adorable, superb, 10/10.

A curse is a dream your heart makes by @romansleftshoulderpad This oneshot is a long boi but my god you will enjoy every single second of it. Roman gets cursed by the Dragon witch to act out classic Disney movies with Virgil, and it’s honestly so entrancing. Phenomenal writing.

Queen of fluff @not-so-innocent-bi-sander has so much adorable fics that I’m gonna link their whole masterlist because you deserve to treat yourself to their writing, and I’m also gonna add some quick links to my faves here because I love them: The reunion, Romance in the air…port, Guitar lessons. The first fic of theirs I read is the series The view from here, and it was so heartwarmingly sweet that it helped distract me from some pretty bad cramps, so I highly recommend you go check that out if you need a cute pick me up. It’s incomplete, but it’s mostly fluff and ongoing, so you won’t be left on any cliffhangers.

Thespian by @random-snippets is a heart-wrenchingly sweet hurt/comfort fic that I wholeheartedly recommend. Roman puts on a play in the imagination but neglects to tell Virgil that his character straight up dies at the end, and Virgil is understandably distraught. It’s ok though, Virgil gets love and hugs! Also just check out their masterlist because their writing is absolutely sensational, especially their pining!Virgil LAMP fics.

Through different eyes by @stars-and-rose . Roman’s a warlock who’s been ‘kidnapping’ Patton in an endearing attempt to get the handsome knight’s ;) attention. Super cute and a fun read, honestly it’s adorable.

@today-only-happens-once is another phenomenal writer who’s masterlist I’m also gonna link because they’re all! So! Good!!! Here’s some of my faves: Exposure therapy ft Ace!Roman, Acoustic, Always

A hero’s rescue by @stillebesat . Villain!Roman and Hero!Virgil ft a healthy dose of hurt/comfort and a a really cool premise. I go back and re-read this one a lot!

Welcome to the neighbourhood by @lefaystrent is incomplete, but it’s so goddamn hysterical that it’s going on here anyway. Their comedic genius is astounding. Some more of my favourites of theirs include: Roamin’ nights, Flutter and fall, Rewrite

Blink and you’ll miss it and waterspout by @greenninjagal-blog are both lovely reads which I highly recommend. Seriously guys their writing is amazing, go check them out.

Sweet dreams and Petals red as blood by @candied-peach are both gorgeously written and I absolutely adore them, 10/10.

#fic recs #go hog wild y'all #was this a painfully transparent way for me to compile all my faves in one place for ease of re-reading?#yeah and what of it #i can have a little self indulgence #as a treat :)#seriously though guys all of these authors are crazy talented go show them your love #and this post is a free-for-all so add anything you want #i've likely forgotten some people and if you're one of those people i'm so sorry i'll probably update this as more of them come back to me #ily all stay well #sanders sides #ts sides #romantic prinxiety #shout out to my tags which i can't :) get :) to :) work #Prinxiety

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mikenewtonhateblog · 5 years ago

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My oc’s aka too long of a gd post

The “BL” Crew (does not stand for boys love I’m just a moron who made that abbreviation before knowing what it stands for). My main crew and main series, a lot is a big WIP right now as I’m slowly redoing the first book and all the lore. Why? I love torture. Book is fantasy type but I won’t specify what.

Lacie, the protagonist. God tier idiot, bisexual bipolar depressed MESS, insomniac, former theater kid, doesn’t know what she wants out of life but currently it is not This(plot of book). Hot headed, impulsive, crude, rude, Mommy IssuesTM, would rather be taking a nap right now, rules are made to be broken, absolutely fucking FERAL, more bags under her eyes than the airport lost and found. 5’5, 130lbs, Aries, age 18, white as shit like literally the whitest human you have ever seen, strawberry blonde hair in a 2011 Hayley Willaims haircut with long bangs, the darkest brown eyes you’ve ever seen that stare directly into your soul. Lanky, no curves, body of a 12 year old boy but works out so she can and will kick your ass and thats a threat. Not human?

Josh. Soft boy, smart, Lacie’s cousin and only friend for like the first 18 years of her life, autistic anxious mess who’s special interest is anchient egyptian history, is in honors classes, despises math, passes out when his girlfriend looks too cute, just needs a hug. Can eat a whole carton of easy mac if left alone, whole wardobe is the same outfit just different colors/hoodies, sensory issues, seriously can someone give this guy a hug. 5’9, 150lbs, Pisces, age 18, mixed (half whatever flavor of white Lacie’s family is [they don’t even know its just some scandanavian shit and irish], and half mexican on his mom’s side), medium olive skin with freckles and moles, dark chocolate brown hair that’s a bit of a 2009 Beiber cut, warm brown eyes, not beefy, a lil thicc and self concious about it but squishy boys are GOOD. Gets bit by a werewolf so now he is one his mood on it is “thats a lot to unpack but let’s just throw the whole suitcase away”.

Zander. There is not one braincell in this man, himbo KING, pansexual dumbass with undiagnosed ADHD, no impulse control, head empty and full at the same time, PTSD, his fashion sense should be an actual crime, gets in fights to feel something, basic requirements for him to be attracted to you: kick his ass. Drinks his respect women juice, sees a folding table and must immediately launch himself on it, chaotic, cannot drive a car and will not, food aggression and eats enough for 3 people but never gains weight which is ILLEGAL, him and Lacie may be a couple.....but in this house we stan slow burn, he talks in caps and every sentence either ends with a question mark or exclaimation point, likes romcoms. 6’2, 190lbs, Sagittarius, age 19, austrailian roots and has the accent but is from [REDACTED FOR STORY REASONS], white, dorito shaped with long legs, blueish black hair that’s long and messy, dark navy eyes that match his hair, bigass neck scar from [REDACTED]. Not human

Peter. Gay dad friend who is TIRED of having to be in charge of a bunch of teenagers, only one with full functioning braincells, lowkey a genius who loves engineering, mixes magical technology with human technology because he likes to play god, is he ever sober? No one knows, will kill for a bottle of single malt, his fashion sense? Tastefully expensive suits perfectly tailored. Likes building his own weapons that no one else knows how to even use, generally non-threatening but can get scary if needed. 6’4, 140lbs string bean man, Scorpio, age 179 but looks early 30s, I know I said Lacie is the whitest human but he’s even paler like a literal sheet of paper with scandanavian roots/ancestors were vikings or some shit, blonde hair styled like 2013 Brendon Urie lmfao, light crystal blue eyes. He’s a vampire and was born one.

Danielle. Tiny, sweet, queen of girls supporting girls, comments on all her friends instagram posts with 20 emojis, LOVES fashion and has a wardrobe that would make anyone jealous, oozes feminine energy, only child and parents are in love still, gets exactly 8 hours of sleep each night and wakes up looking like a disney princess. Just because she is small and cute doesn’t mean you should underestimate her she WILL fuck your shit up. Quiet when angey which is terrifying. Josh is her bf and she loves him so much but also loves teashing the shit out of him. Legally cannot cuss, polite, used her high heels as a weapon once, speaks like 5 languages because studying them is her hobby, gardens, hugs everyone. 5’0, 110, Taurus, age 18, mixed (half french-american, half Korean-american), glowy skin always, PETITE frame aka the friend everyone can pick up when they hug, long past her waist curly brown hair, bright green eyes. She’s not fully human as she has fae blood in her and this gives her the ability to talk to and control plants. Flower crowns for everyone

Becca. Theater kid who would die to sing in Wicked and has the vocal range to do so, cannot wait to graduate and go to her dream college which she got into and a scholarship, closeted lesbian bc her whole giant family is extremely catholic and she feels like not dealing with it, “no boys allowed in bedroom” rule is her favorite joke, chill, middle child of 5 siblings and just wants some peace and quiet for ONCE. Her fashion sense is “I’m dropping subtle hints I’m gay but only to other gays”, has a black belt and took self defense classes. 5’6, 145lbs, Virgo, age 18, Latina (cuban and mexican mix), darker brown skin with light freckles over her nose, athletic build, eyebrows on POINT, bright caramel eyes, short light brown hair cut in a bob, has a tiny nose stud, always wears a blue friendship bracelet her gf made her. Human

Anika. Calling her a bitch/slut is a compliment, bisexual, a bit of a mean girl but she grows out of it give her time!!! Is always Too Much, the horny friend, favorite color is red so thats almost all of her outfits, loves to show off her body as much as she can because she’s hot and knows it and thrives in her own confidence. Her mom is literally like Regina George’s mom from Mean Girls but married a rich man 20 years older than her, Anika doesn’t know her bio dad but thats fine neither does her mom and her step dad is nice and does his best to be a dad. Becca’s gf, always hanging out at her home so Becca can get some quiet because Anika’s an only child and has a pool. 5’9, 135lbs, Gemini, age 18, white, long layered dark reddish brown hair, teal-blue eyes, swimmers body type (I normally do not mention bust size but she would want the internet to know she was blessed with big bahoogles so there you go), can sprint in heels. Half mermaid (boy was that a surprise considering her mom doesn’t know who her father is LOL)

Rex. Nb uses they/them he/him pronouns but honestly will respond to any, goth lite, only attracted to men and ace, can read minds so knows all your secrets, mischevious little shit, great friends with Zander and enjoys his dumbass thoughts and that he’s basically a human version of Jackass, wears too many rings, goth boots for kicking and fashion babey, always has the freshest memes and will not hesitate to roast in the group chat, hangs with the girls most of the time. Chaos god who loves making art, be gay do crime, skateboard and spraypaint. 5’8”, 165lbs, Leo, age 18, Native American, masculine frame, dark brown skin, blue eyes, firetruck red shoulder length hair that’s usually in a ponytail, knock-off gucci sunglasses just for judging their friends. Has magic in their blood so not entirely human and can cast spells and shit (don’t roast me its a wip and I’m doing my research)

Sam. Boho goddess, aromantic, makeup and nails are always instagram worthy, quiet and stoic type but losens up around close friends, Rex is her best friend, has some trauma and doesn’t want to talk about it, emotionally numbed out a bit and wants to purely vibe. Has seen some of the worst parts of humanity and wishes she hadn’t, finds no point in being bitter or resentful though because that won’t change anything, loves cats and once she moves out shes adopting one or three. Has wine aunt energy. 5’4, 200lbs PLUS SIZE QUEEN, Scorpio, age 18, Filipino (her parents are immigrants fun fact!), really olive skin sometimes has a grey/green tinge to it, dark brown almost black shoulder length hair, gold-hazel eyes. Sam’s the victim of a family curse that requires her to consume human hearts to survive, she can transform into a pretty scary looking being and uses this curse to hunt down pedoph*les, r*pists, murderers, and abusers. The less often she feeds the less human she looks, hence the constant grey/green tinge to her skin.

Andy. Baby of the group, must be protected at all costs, 100% didn’t sign up to be in a friendgroup of 90% monsters but highkey loves it, trans, bi, anxiety MAXED, just wants to draw comics and cosplay spiderman, has to babysit his two younger sisters a lot because his parents are....not great, and as a result now knows all the lines to Tangled and The Little Mermaid. Big nerd energy, has to draw on everything including homework, gets inspiration for comics from his friends, awkward and socially anxious, drinks way too much tea and will accidentally steal your pens. Fears include: crowds, thunder, tall angry men, tiny spaces. Just trying his best. 5’2, 100lbs BEANPOLE BOY, Leo, age 16, white (irish and scottish roots), freckles absolutely EVERYWHERE, orangey red hair thats in desperate need of a haircut, chocolate brown eyes, braces, chronic nail biter. Human and kinda wishes he wasn’t.

That’s it for now if you read all this bless u thank u here is my whole heart. Please no discourse, literally these are fictional people I’ll never publish the books they go to.

#no i am not looking for critiques on them #i get my critiques elsewhere lmao #my ocs

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canyousevmyheavydirtysoul · 4 years ago

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Bodyguard III: Brendon’s P.O.V - Chapter 7/Chapter 9/Chapter 10

Now in the infirmary, (Y/N) stood to the side with her arms folded, watching me place Ross down on the cot. I started fastening the restraints around the doctor's limbs, noticing how she winced as I pulled the straps tighter, causing the hard leather to cut into Ross' skin.

I'd be lying if I said that it hadn't brought me a tiny bit of joy, but it was really just to make sure that he couldn't escape.

Mostly.

In the distance, the Hulk roared, and as the sound carried through the air towards the two of us, we looked at each other with frowns.

"Go," I instructed immediately, knowing full well that they'd need all hands on deck to deal with that situation, "They'll need you."

She nodded and took steps to the door, but hesitated slightly as she glanced at Ross, still unresponsive. I rolled my eyes. She still didn't trust me not to hurt him. Like, honestly – if I was gonna murder him, I would've fucking done it already.

"I'm not gonna kill him. Just go."

With one last look at me and him, she vanished down the hallway.

Exhaling loudly, I placed my hands on my hips and turned to look at Ross. His eyes were still closed, but his muscles were beginning to twitch, meaning he was close to waking up.

I took up a position against the far right wall, watching and waiting. About three minutes later, his eyes started opening, and his head moved side to side as he attempted to shake off whatever after-effects he had.

"Ross."

I called out to him, trying to bring him back down to earth. I knew that his mind was a mess, and judging by the way he writhed at the sound of my voice, it had only driven him further into a distressed state.

Pulling up a chair, I sat across from him with my hands on my knees, hunched over slightly.

He strained against the bonds, breathing hard and shaking his head.

"Aaron," I tried again, voice calm and steady, "you're gonna be alright."

"You know that?" he snapped in an uncharacteristically harsh tone, "Is that what you know?"

Keeping my cool, I persisted. His response was good. Meant he was pushing through. "You gotta level out, it's gonna take time."

"You don't understand," he wheezed, desperately shaking his head, "Have you ever had someone take your brain and play? Pull you out and stuff something else in? You know what it's like to be unmade?"

Of course I do.

"You've done well so far. Just keep pushing," I encouraged, ignoring his previous bout of questions.

It took several more agonizing minutes, but he managed to do just that, and what little control Loki had left over him began to steadily dissipate.

He was back.

Surveying his surroundings, he posed yet another query. "Why am I back?" he looked to me. "How did you get him out?"

"Cognitive recalibration," I answered simply, straightening up. "I choked you out."

"Thanks."

Didn't do it for you.

Standing up from his seat, I made my way over to the bed and removed the strap restraints.

"Loki," he said quietly, "He got away?"

I answered with a small nod, then locked gazes with him. "I don't suppose you know where?"

"Didn't need to know. Didn't ask," he shook his head. "He's going to make his play soon though. Today."

Giving a small nod, I walked over to the sink and got him a glass of water. When I turned back to give it to him, something caught my eye through the small window on the door. Drawing in a deep breath, I handed him the glass, then walked to the door and opened it.

"Hey," she breathed, looking up at me.

"Hey."

Peering around my frame, her eyes searched for Ross. She didn't even notice me staring at her. She couldn't even supress her smile once she saw him. I felt... defeated.

"Is he..."

"Back to normal," I confirmed. Then, under my breath, "Unfortunately."

She clicked her tongue and glared at me scoldingly, as she stuffed her hands in the pockets of her jacket. I gave her that jacket fourteen months ago.

A glimmer of hope.

"Can I have a moment alone with him?" she requested, "Please."

And a mountain of despondency.

I said nothing as I looked at her. I mean, what could I say? What could I do? If this was what she wanted – if he was what she wanted – how could I fucking beat that?

The answer was simple, really...

I couldn't.

So...

"Yeah," I whispered. Moving to the side, I allowed her to enter the room before I stepped out, shutting the door behind me.

The following ten minutes were the longest of my life. It was truly fucking terrifying how graphic and torturous your mind could be when it wanted to. Especially when you didn't want it to. Endless scenarios ran through my head over and over, until she reentered my line of sight and my brain registered that she was no longer alone with him.

Stepping out of the room, she pulled the door shut behind her. I looked to her as soon as she set foot over the threshold.

Looking back at me, she drew in a deep breath and shut her eyes.

"Thank you. For saving him," she muttered, opening her eyes and giving a small smile.

I'd do anything for you. You know that.

Furrowing my brows, I pushed himself off of the wall and took a couple steps closer to her. This was it. I had to ask her. This has been ruining me for months now, and I needed a fucking answer.

"What's..." I stopped, second-guessing myself. There was a huge possibility this was gonna backfire, and I was fucking terrified. Raising her brows, she silently urged me on and I regained my confidence, "what's going on between you two?"

The ambiguity of my question was quite clear, however she chose to go with an annoyingly genic response.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," I huffed agitatedly, combing my fingers through my hair, "Are you sleeping with him?"

Her face said it all. I screwed up. Why the fuck did I have to phrase it like that? Goddamn it, Urie.

She scowled. "That's none of your fucking business," she deadpanned, and started to walk off.

I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back.

I can't handle her walking away from me.

"Hey, no, wait, please."

I held her closer than she was before, swallowing harshly as I gazed down at her.

"I didn't mean-" closing my eyes, I took a moment to steel myself, "I just... I need to know."

She stared at me, silent and unblinking.

"Are you with him?" I clarified, finally managing to phrase my question in an inoffensive, polite manner, "Do you... you love him?"

Parting her lips, she lifted her hand and tenderly cupped my cheek, meeting my gaze. I leaned into her touch; I fucking missed it so much. Fuck.

"No," she said, "I'm not with him."

I expelled a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding.

Good. Great. Excellent. Fantastic. Pefect. Hallelujah.

But the worrisome creases on my forehead remained, because-

"That wasn't my only question."

Before she could attempt to respond, Rogers came striding down the corridor, closing the window of oppurtunity for our conversation to progress.

"Sorry for the interruption, but I need you two," he said, "We know what our next move is."

Fuck you, Capatain Cock-block. Go back to swimming with the fishes.

_______________________________

Thank you for reading x

Taglist:

@arosebyname @avengertrash21 @tiffisnotnormal @darknessdancing @raversam @theieroenthusiast @the-ghost-of-hemingway @laerkers @peters-vlogs @hockeyswag-boll @username-number-01834 @untilyouburnallofthewitches @underscoredarcy @aminasmells @becausebands @converseskyline @vinyloider @attractiveugly @twentzyonepirates @tegan-eva @i-only-date-flower-boys @jishwatylrandtop @blueskiesbleakeyes @robinruns @hi-ho-and-hello @svintsandghosts @iamafishandigosplish @sunshineandapplepie @kealohilani-tepise @bookworm104 @sheridans-dynamos @justawriterinprogress @anotherwriterinprogress @sillylandcalzonespy

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ts1989fanatic · 6 years ago

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A more in depth personal review of Lover, the album dropped last week and because I had issues downloading it from iTunes (what else is new) I did not really have time for anything other than a cursory listen before heading to bed.

So now a week has past and I have had more than a few listens (who am I kidding) a hella lot more than a few, my wife and I went on a road trip Sunday 250 Blissful Kilometers of just me and my Lovers.

Still a little haunted by Soon You’ll Get Better I was very emotional after listening to this song and still am truth be told, almost everyone has that person in their life who has been touched by cancer. And just like Taylor when it’s someone close to you like a parent or a Lover it’s downright terrifying.

Lover the parent as opposed to Lover the child (more on her later) is a more mature in control Taylor Swift bringing us the wild abandon of Red’s lay it all out on the floor with the sonic cohesion achieved with 1989.

To me Lover nods in passing to reputation, but as I listen to the album in more depth it to me is a continuation of where Taylor was heading after 1989, it still holds a little shade in the finger snapping I forgot That You Existed a song all about as Taylor herself has said letting go and stepping into the daylight don’t confront the haters and exes just be indifferent to them it’s a lot less toxic.

If there is one consistency on Lover, though: it’s Taylor’s love for, love. The entire album is predominantly romantic and seems to track the timeline of a relationship, from its beginnings to the final realization that the situation is serious. Taylor leaves it up to us the listener to theorize that Lover is about her relationship with Joe Alwyn.

There’s nothing on Lover that mentions him directly but there is more than enough within the lyrics on various songs to speculate. Half the fun of being a Swiftie is coming up with theories, you have your opinions I have mine. So go through the track by track list below and decide for yourself what song is about who.

“I Forgot That You Existed”

Taylor starts Lover not with a love song, but a song in which Taylor Swift seems to have moved past the drama on “I Forgot You Existed.” Who it is heavily speculated on that this song is about CH, is it only Taylor herself really knows. Looking at the lyrics it could also be about any of her exes that did not end the relationship on the best of terms.

“How many days did I spend thinking about how you did me wrong?” “I lived in the shade you were throwing till all of my sunshine was gone.” Then in the chorus she declares, “I forgot that you existed, and I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t the meaning behind this song for me? Taylor has shed the snakeskin from the reputation era and is has moved on not with hate or anger JUST INDIFFERENCE

“Cruel Summer”

Those early flirtatious sometimes tumultuous stages early on in a new relationship. “It’s new, the shape of your body. It’s blue, the feeling I’ve got,” “It’s cool, that’s what I tell him. No rules…. We say we’ll just screw it up. In these trying times, we’re not trying.” This speaks to the drama that can happen in any new relationship before things stabilize and you can think about introducing them to friends and family.

“Lover”

To me this song and video are a throwback to the 70’s era country songs about love that I grew up on and after listening to Keith Urban cover it live you can see how it would be a smash on country radio stations. These lyrics cry out COUNTRY to me.

“Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?” she sings later on. “Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? ’ve loved you three summers. Now, honey, I want ’em all.”

“The Man”

Not a love story, here, on “The Man.” Here more of a social commentary on society in general and the gender bias that still exist today despite the best efforts of a lot of WOKE people.

Taylor highlights how her career and reputation would have played out in the media if she were born a man rather than being named after one.

“Every conquest I made would make me more of a boss to you,” “I’d be just like Leo in Saint Tropez.”

“They wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve, what I was wearing, if I was rude…. If I was a man, I’d be the man.”

“The Man” is one of the boppiest bop on Lover and deserves to be the next single.

“The Archer”

On “The Archer,” Taylor finds herself questioning her situation with her partner. Is it the real? How long will it last? These are relatable questions most of us ask once the honeymoon phase of a relationship draws to a close. “They see right through me. Can you see right through me?” Taylor sings. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?”

“I Think He Knows”

By the time Taylor reaches this song,” She has answered that question: she wants her new relationship to work, and she’s not afraid to say so. “I think he knows when we get all alone, he’ll want me to stay,” “I think he knows he better lock it down, or I won’t stick around” cause good ones never wait.”

“Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince”

Some see this as a love song, personally I see it more as a protest song, Taylor has become much more political and outspoken on the issues since Trump took office this is an “us against the administration” mind-set. At first listen it may not sound like a protest song, but to me and I follow US politics very closely it certainly speaks to what has happened over the last few years.

When the White House responds to a song then I think you can safely say DAMN STRAIGHT it’s a protest song. Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince is not a Rage Against The Machine protest song, it’s a song full of metaphors and because of this it draws you in and makes you listen closely and get behind and beneath the symbolism.

“American glory Faded before me now I’m feeling Hopless”

“Paper Rings”

Taylor joking about marrying her lover one day or is she joking. “I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings. That’s right, darling. You’re the one I want,” definitely a love song about a serious relationship, does it mean Taylor and Joe are engaged (not according to Tree)

“Cornelia Street”

“Cornelia Street” is when our story takes a dramatic turn. It’s important to know that, at one point, Taylor rented a carriage house on Cornelia Street in New York City while her place was being renovated. The lyrics of this song suggest Taylor associates Cornelia Street with a relationship getting more intense.

“I hope I never lose you. Hope it never ends. I never want Cornelia Street again,” “That’s the kind of heartbreak time could never mend.”

“Death by a Thousand Cuts”

This comes through as a breakup song, but a breakup with who not Joe from all appearances, possibly to a past relationship. “I get drunk, but it’s not enough, ’cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby,” Taylor sings shortly after saying, “Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts.

"I look through the windows of this love, even though we boarded them up” and “You said it was a great love, one for the ages. But if this story’s over, why am I still writing pages?”

“London Boy”

With a Cat’s co-star cameo from Idris Elba, Taylor is back to singing about love of a guy and a city, not with great accuracy I might add as an ex-pat who lived and worked in London for ten years. But hey she’s a writer and allowed poetic license.

“Something happened, I heard him laughing. I saw the dimples, first, and then I heard the accent,” “They say home is where the heart is, but that’s not where mine lives. You know I love a London boy.”

“Soon You��ll Get Better” (featuring Dixie Chicks)

Sorry for the language but this song fucked me up, Still a little haunted by it. I was very emotional after listening to this song and still am truth be told, almost everyone has that person in their life who has been touched by cancer. And just like Taylor when it’s someone close to you like a parent or a Lover it’s downright terrifying. I lost my mother to cancer my father in law to cancer and the love of my life has been diagnosed three times twice benign once malignant (God that’s an ugly word)

“In doctor’s office lighting, I didn’t tell you I was scared,” “Soon you’ll get better. You’ll get better soon, ’cause you have to.”

If I am honest here I really want to fast forward past this song but it’s so emotional and raw that I find myself having to listen to it over again.

“False God”

On “False God,” Taylor recognizes the issues that can lead to the breakup as in “Death by a Thousand Cuts.”

“I know heaven’s a thing. I go there when you touch me. Hell is when I fight with you,” “But we can patch it up good.” She doesn’t dig any deeper here, though. That comes later.

“You Need to Calm Down”

After the backlash Taylor faced from 2016 she found her voice not just in speaking out about equality but encapsulating it into her music. YNTCD is a synth heavy pop bop that calls out Internet Trolls and boldly champions the LGBTQ community, franklt it’s a fucking bop with a message and both my wife and love it.

“Say it in the street, that’s a knock-out” “But you say it in a Tweet that’s a cop-out” (advice to live by Mr. President)

“Afterglow”

“Afterglow” Is an apology song.” Here Taylor opens up about how a relationship can implode with a partner and the role her own behaviour played in it imploding. “I blew things out of proportion, now you’re blue,” she sings. “I put you in jail for something you didn’t do…. Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves.” “Why’d I have to break what I love so much? It’s on your face, and I’m to blame,” “Hey, it’s on me in my head. I’m the one who burned this down, but it’s not what I meant. Sorry that I hurt you.”

“Me!” (featuring Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco)

A tongue-in-cheek, extension of “Afterglow.”here Taylor can laugh about the drama. Not only that but she own up to her faults on this song, Taylor lays out that it’s those faults that make her the perfect match for someone.

“I know that I went psycho on the phone. I never leave well enough alone. And trouble’s gonna follow where I go,” “Afterglow.” “Baby doll, when it comes to a lover. I promise that you’ll never find another like me.”

“It’s Nice to Have a Friend”

A lot of the theories I have seen about this one revolve around her relationship with Joe “Church bells ring. Carry me home. Rice on the ground, looks like snow.” It certainly sounds like they might be gearing up for that next step. But I don’t read this the same way, it reads more like a first love narrative.

“Sidewalk chalk covered in snow lost my gloves, you gave me one” “Twenty questions, we tell the truth”

“Daylight”

A dreamy romantic song that is filled with words one would say on their wedding day or just after getting married. They sound a lot like vows. “I don’t want to look at anything else now that I saw you. I don’t want to think of anything else now that I’ve thought of you. I’ve been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night, and now I see daylight.”

Taylor says “I want to be defined by the things that I love. Not the things I hate. Not the things I’m afraid of, or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think that you are what you love.”

This is Taylor Swift at her ultimate best, crafting lyrics that we can all relate to at whatever stage of your relationship you are in. This is Speak Now and Fearless Taylor all grown up but still crafting a story of life with her lyrics in her own unique way.

Where reputation was dark and moody even though in my opinion still a very relatable album, who has never faced criticism and wished that they had the skills heart and wit to respond as Taylor did, Lover is all vivid colors and predominantly bright and cheerful music with certain exceptions this is Taylor in full flow and form. Taylor the story teller Taylor the lyrical master Taylor the ARTIST.

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parkerbaines · 6 years ago

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hello everyone, i’m ana! i’ll be playing my child parker and i can’t wait to write/plot with you all!

[ brendon urie, thirty-two, non-binary, he/him or they/them ] ━ did y'all see [ parker baines ] walkin’ into [ hendrick’s shop ’n’ go ] they’ve lived in frostford for [ thirty-two years ] and you can catch ‘em around town working as a [ hair stylist at splittin’ hairs ]. I reckon they’re pretty [ gregarious & creative ] but I hear they can also be kinda [ impulsive & careless. ] if ya see ‘em around, be sure to say hi.

parker wasn’t actually born in frostford, but was adopted by an older couple, the baines’, when they were just a baby so has pretty much lived here their entire life.

they have always been very outgoing & energetic, running circles around their older parents. this was partially to distract everyone from the fact that they never really felt all that comfortable in hirself, or perhaps more accurately, that they weren’t especially comfortable with being described or referred to as a boy or male. in many ways they’d felt it their entire lives but did not have the vocabulary describe their feelings until high school nor did they want any negative attention.

they didn’t come out publicly as non-binary until they’d graduated high school though in junior and senior years they had told a few close friends and started testing out they/them pronouns within the friend group. terrified of telling their parents, parker left frostford for cosmetology school and consequently came out to their parents after they’d been away from home for a few months. as it turned out, both were absolutely fine and fully supportive.

parker came right back to frostford when they’d completed their studies and took up a position at splittin’ hairs; he’d had a job there all throughout high school which mostly consisted of washing hair, cleaning up and offering/making people beverages and snacks while their hair was done so they were absolutely chuffed when they started working as an actually qualified stylist.

they are pretty much still as ChaoticTM as they were in high school and honestly might as well still be seventeen despite the fact that they live alone and in their own place. cool with he/him or they/them pronouns but does generally lean towards they. does not shut up, will talk the ears off anyone but it just means they think you’re cool. got a pretty decent voice, you can pretty much always catch them singing along to whatever song is playing in the salon or just jamming generally.

okay, some wanted connections are literally all of them! please! childhood friends, first loves (parker’s pansexual), clients, crushes, exes, flings, new friends, best/close friends, crushes & party/adventure buddies!

#frostfordintro #this? rushed?#oh of course

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panickedvulture · 6 years ago

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Found this in my drafts, so I’m posting it with no shame to give this blog some life while I’m busy trying to deal with post-endgame feels in the mcu sector of tumblr:

So I had a dream last night that made me realize I spend too much time on this site because it included some of my mutuals and people I enjoy like @theuriearchives ,@yagirlcammmm ,@i-think-im-ready-to-go ,@canyousevmyheavydirtysoul ,@dunjosephurieimagines , and @andbeingblueisbetter to name a few.

I have very vivid dreams and since I write all of them down I figured why not write it here where everyone can see it.

The genre for this dream: a mystery.

The setting: A beautiful cabin (apparently mine) plucked straight out of a “Visiting your SO’s family for the holidays” or a “fake-dating for a visit to your frenemy’s family” AU, my personal favorite. And there was a snowstorm going on outside.

I should also mention everybody had their own appearance. Usually I attach someone’s name with the face in their profile pic, meaning about everybody in this I previously imagined as Brendon Urie at different angles and in different lighting. But thanks to my brain randomly generating faces for everybody, I will be greatly confused in the case that I ever learn what you actually look like.

So, the topic at hand is, as it always is, Brendon Urie. Everybody’s cuddled up on the couch and on the floor in their pajamas drinking hot chocolate, eating dessert, and writing/giving ideas. In the background AFYCSO plays on an old record player, the fire is flickering beautifully alongside some black and white videos of old Panic! performances playing on one of those old big-backed TVs with lines across the screen – at this moment I feel like I am once again a preschooler laying on my stomach and watching movies in a pile of other preschoolers at my old after-school program but I digress–

Then somebody has the audacity to break into my house.

Me being the host of this gathering, I feel obligated to check on the noise. It doesn’t help that literally everyone stops what they’re doing to push me in the direction of the mysterious noise before going back to talking about the size of Brendon Urie’s dick (a conversation brought up by i-think-im-ready-to-go, just thought I should mention that).

So I get up, the second my back is turned nobody cares and I go into the bathroom only to find it flooded because this intruder flushed literally everything it could down the toilet.

To name a few things, it flushed:

1) The monstrous dildo linked on a post by beautiful-tragic-fallout (i don’t mean to call anybody out but its been on my dash with every damn refresh for the past week), who i-think-im-ready-to-go and theuriearchives make a point to explain is out of the house buying us more chocolate-covered strawberries.

2) Every single piece of Pretty. Odd. memorabilia I can imagine because someone just has it out for that album.

3) For those of you who have seen Monsters Inc, the toys Boo flushed down the toilet in that one scene.

4) An entire manuscript that my mind recognizes as smut written by @xxip-smut

5) And pink, fucking, crocs

So I walk back into the living room and round everybody up, declaring we’re on a manhunt for whoever the fuck had the audacity to break into my house, and with that we separate into groups. Accompanying me is Cam who wields a flamethrower while wearing pastel yellow pajamas with baby elephants printed on them.

Eventually after getting tired of Cam pointing the flamethrower at my head even when in ‘resting position’ and scaring the shit out of me, we go into the basement only to find everybody else chose to search the basement and the rest of you have been arguing about who actually gets to search the basement.

Long story short, the basement doesn’t get searched.

Instead to deal with the tension, dunjosephurieimagines suggests we all go back to talking about Brendon’s dick. So we go back to talking about Brendon’s dick.

We sit on the floor in a circle in this basement not realizing its dark and creepy as hell, and if you’ve seen That 70s Show the ‘camera’ moves around in this circle to focus on the face of whoever’s talking. The conversation adds up to smut, theuriearchives pulls out a blunt and i-think-im-ready-to-go pulls out a gun, we start playing russian roulette. Out of guilt for not writing a request sent to me months ago because I suck, I give andbeingblueisbetter a free shot at me. Being a saint they don’t take the opportunity yet.

So anyway, being high and creative a thought comes to us all at once. This thought…where the fuck is @loverontheleft ?

Now we’re all mad and sad and scared and alone because where, the fuck, is cece? Everybody starts asking everybody if they’ve seen her, we conclude the answer is no and we all start freaking out.

Then we realize canyousevmyheavydirtysoul (codename: Sev) is being really quiet.

We all turn and just stare like “So um….whats up?”

Flash-forward, this is all of us trying to figure out cece’s identity, sev is just sitting on the floor smiling and reacting to everything we say with reaction gifs they pull up on their phone, meanwhile we’re all screaming running around, we’ve made a literal office out of this basement and we have glasses and slip-on ties on top of our pajamas.

Then there’s a noise upstairs because we forgot there was someone who broke into my house.

Y’all turn on me and push me up the stairs to my death, I realize this is the cabin that appears in the bodyguard series at one point (wonderfully written by canyousevmyheavydirtysoul, binge it), and in front of me is the super fancy dining room table. There’s mail on it, some envelopes, and I’m like uh no and turn around to come back downstairs.

But you’re all at the bottom of the stairs staring at me and threatening me with your knives and Cam’s flamethrower – where you got the knives I don’t know. I hesitate in turning around for a second so andbeingblueisbetter shoots me.

But I’m like, you know, walk it off. So I do and I go to the table. I’m terrified, break out into a nervous sweat, but it’s fine.

I go and open the folder.

And O - fucking - kay

If you haven’t read the bodyguard series or ready to leap I’m not gonna detail any spoilers, just the main plot given right away, and even if you have it probably won’t help this make any more sense. Here….is the story:

Our beloved Cece started off as a teacher, right? But not just any teacher, Ms. fucking Milton, who started a relationship with the music teacher of her high school, Mr. Urie, who in this case is in fact Brendon Urie of our universe and lead singer of Panic! at the Disco. But the deal with him is that he got tired of the fame and through extensive work he managed to get rid of all the files that legally point to him as being Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco. And for the first few years of his teaching, all the kids knew he was Brendon Urie I mean come on, but eventually the whole school and town settle on the idea that this is just one of those situations where twins are separated at birth and coincidentally given the same exact name. So boom, they do what they do – but newsflash, Cece is Y/n from the Bodyguard series and knowing Mr. Urie’s relationship with Ms. Milton, S.H.I.E.L.D pulls a Hydra Bucky Barnes situation in order to train Brendon into the best damn bodyguard the world could imagine because Cece is a valuable asset that needs the absolute best protection. Canyousevmyheavydirtysoul was like a journalist or something for S.H.I.E.L.D and witnessed all of this go down, knows every little thing about these two. So they get trained, they get close, drama happens, then they’re all put under-cover. Brendon goes back to being Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco, Sev and Cece are assigned to live their current lives and specifically assigned to write their stories for this Tumblr community to get everybody off their trails.

And then I look up. And there’s cece and I think…

“She is about to fucking, kill me.”

I try to throw the folders at her but for some reason I can’t throw anything in my dreams, so I get frustrated that my arm just won’t work, Cece in the meanwhile uses this time to approach me. My mind can’t even generate her an appearance and I think that she’s wearing a disguise because she’s like a spy or something that did after all break into my house to clog my toilet with dildos.

We maintain eye contact for what my dream-self recalls as a long time. I feel this energy in my soul I have never felt before and it is not fun, I don’t like it.

She takes the folder from me and gives me a red one.

And with her eyes piercing my soul, I get this feeling that literally has my skin vibrating even after I wake up, and I hear this voice that’s like “I know you know. And I’m watching you.”

So I woke up in a cold sweat obviously and tried to suppress this whole thing but it kinda lingered in the back of my mind all day. Then the weird tiny details came back to haunt me when I saw the elephants at the zoo.

#I dont understand either just dont be afraid of me #about #Dream

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everysongineverykey · 6 years ago

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a sophiana fic! (finally)

Sophie’s fingers ran carefully over the ivory keys, darting from one to the other, scratching out the opening bars to Welcome To The Black Parade- the song she’d practiced (i.e. banged her head to) for so long, just because it was that little taste of home she needed to get her through the day. It was almost 5 PM- Sophie and a few other prodigies had stayed behind after school to help polish the musical instruments as punishment for the epic prank they- led by Keefe- had pulled on the band.

Sophie had groaned all the way through the tedious chore. It wasn’t her fault Vaala Alvarent couldn’t take a joke. Everyone knew her trombone sounded better when it made cat noises anyway.

She looked down at the sleek piano, taking in all its shiny elegance. Man, she’d missed this. She hadn’t played any musical instrument since fifth grade, when she’d played the tuba in band class. Her classmates had used it as yet another thing to tease her for, and to stick over her head. Ever since then…

Well, she’d been somewhat averse to making music, preferring to listen quietly to that of others. Brendon Urie, Gerard Way, Freddie Mercury… they’d been her role models throughout her teenage years.

As she played through the tune again, she began to hum the lyrics- then, as her confidence grew, humming turned into hushed singing, and then, satisfied that no one was listening, she began to sing for the first time in what must’ve been years:

“When I was, a young boy, my father, took me into the city…”

And over, and over, and over again.

It wasn’t until the fifth time running that a voice had popped up behind her and terrified her out of her mind.

“So this is what they taught you in the Forbidden Cities.”

Sophie whipped around and saw the worst thing she could possibly see- Biana Vacker.

The brown-haired girl leaned against the doorway, head cocked to the side, a curious sort of smile on her face that seemed to say, “My, what a strange sight this is, but I’m somewhat intrigued- good job, I think.”

Dammit. Of course it had to be Sophie’s biggest crush who happened to be standing watching and listening to her belt out the lyrics to an embarrassing rock song.

“Oh, uh- hi, Biana. Sorry, was I-?” Sophie was at a loss for words. Biana had that effect on her. She quickly stood up and flashed an embarrassed smile, which Biana returned with her own dazzling one.

“You were playing piano. I didn’t know you knew how to do that.” Biana sighed, then looked wistfully over at the instrument. “I always wanted to learn how to play, but I never got the chance… There’s not a lot of… that stuff you were singing in the Lost Cities. What was it?”

“Oh, it’s just a little… ballad. A traditional ballad. For, um, revolution. They sang it during the, uh, Revolutionary war. It was supposed to up morale.” Sophie had no idea what she was saying at this point, but it was better than telling her crush of two years that it was a rock song from her emo phase.

“I didn’t think humans were big on ballads. What’s it called?”

Sophie fumbled for an answer- she was too deep in at this point to come clean. Alright, Sophie, she thought to herself, don’t say March of The Black Queen, don’t say March of The Black Queen…

“It’s called… March of The Black Queen.”

Sophie silently kicked herself. All the bands were overlapping at this point.

“It sounded… pretty cool. You have a nice voice, by the way.” Sophie’s heart soared.

“Oh, really? I, well… thanks. I don’t sing often.”

“Well, you should.” Biana was still looking at the piano. She turned to Sophie suddenly with a hopeful look on her face. “Could you maybe… teach me how to play?”

All of Sophie’s senses were tumbling over each other now, and she blurted out “yes” without really thinking about it. Biana beamed, then sat down on the piano bench.

“Great! Should we start now? We’ve got a couple more hours till we can go home, and I’ve finished my bit for the night. If you ask me, band kids just can’t take a joke.”

Sophie giggled, then sat slowly down beside her on the small bench- their legs were touching. It wasn’t a big deal. It was definitely a big deal. Sophie pointed to middle c.

“Okay, so… you know all the notes, right?” Biana nodded. “Great. It’s really simple, actually- you just…”

And they started. Sophie’s heart screamed every time Biana’s fingers brushed against hers. It took a while, but eventually she could play the whole intro. Sophie beamed the first time her friend played it all the way through perfectly. Actually, Sophie beamed at Biana a lot. It was a habit.

“This is really fun,” Biana said. “I didn’t realize humans had such great taste in music. Do you know any other ballads?”

“Uh… yeah, but we’re almost out of time. We should probably continue another time. You’re doing great, though. I’m really proud of you.”

Biana smiled, then played the intro again. When she was done, she turned to Sophie and said quietly, “I really enjoyed this, Soph. I didn’t know you were musical.”

“Oh, well, I’m not really musical. I just play other peoples’ songs- I don’t compose my own. But thanks.”

“Is there anything else I don’t know about you that I should?”

Oh, goody.

Yes, there is, like the fact that I’m in love with you. “Tons of things.”

“Then… I’d love to find out what. Maybe over dinner sometime?”

Sophie’s insides were doing flips. “Uh… like a date?”

Biana smiled eagerly. Hopefully. “Well, I… it can be a date… I’d like a date.”

“Oh.”

This was the moment Sophie had been waiting for ever since she first met Biana. She was not going to make a mess of it.

“Then I accept your proposal. I mean- offer. I- dinner next week? In Atlantis?”

She’d made a mess of it.

But Biana still smiled and agreed.

Then Keefe- that idiot Keefe- poked his head in and told the two of them to get their butts moving, because it was 7 PM and they could leave now.

As they walked out onto the courtyard, Biana raised her pathfinder- but just before she stepped into the beam of light, she turned to Sophie and said, “By the way, Soph, I like MCR too.”

#never written sophiana before so #hope it’s good!#KOTLC fanfiction #keeper of the lost cities #sophiana fanfiction #sophie foster #biana vacker

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thepatricktreestump · 6 years ago

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pride month asks!

some questions and answers about my experience with LGBTQ+

1. What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I identify as bisexual and genderfluid, so my pronouns regularly change from she/her to he/him.

2. How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

I have always been a huge ally to the LGBTQ+ community, but one day I was stepping out of the shower, and kind of thinking to myself what the difference between having sex with a guy and having sex with a girl was. After contemplation, I thought to myself that they really weren’t all that different to me, and I’d probably enjoy having sex with a girl just as much as having sex with a guy. I researched online a little bit, and I figured out that yeah, I’m probably bi. Especially after I fell in love with both Brendon Urie and his wife Sarah, I was pretty damn sure I was bi.

3. Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Sometimes I do, but it honestly doesn’t bother me too much because I come from a very conservative, religious, small town background. I grew up in a private Catholic school where everyone is Republican and nobody even knows what being gay is, much less a different gender. So I’m kind of used to putting up a façade for others. As I graduated and moved away from my hometown, things have been much better, and by politely correcting others, I’m able to be confident in who I am as well as educate the people around me.

4. Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

Oh god, haha. I distinctly remember that night when I knew I was going to tell my best friend I was genderfluid. I was so nervous and scared, I just sort of blurted it out over text, in all caps, like “I’M GENDERFLUID” and then I kind of panicked, so I proceeded to send her about a hundred Hamilton gifs to cover up what I had typed out and sent. Although it was awkward in the moment, we both laugh about it to this day, and she’s been so accepting and kind to me ever since that moment.

5. Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

For my friends, it was a lot of anxiety and doubt. For my parents, fear and chaos. My friends didn’t understand, they thought it was a disease of some sort, and actually a lot of them stopped talking to me. Again, conservative religious background, but still, no excuse. I grew up in a very abusive household, and it wasn’t my choice to come out. My therapist had forced me to tell my parents in a session and it was an absolute mess. Coming out wasn’t the best experience, especially as a freshman in high school.

6. If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

I kind of explained above, but basically not so well. My dad went absolutely off on me, and said some of the most horrible things I have ever been told in my life. He said that I was dragging everyone I knew towards hell, that what I was is unmoral, unnatural, and unnormal, acted like I was some sort of monster, said it was extremely difficult to even be related to me, and that I was corrupting his family and disrespecting his household. It was a miserable time for me, but through music, I was able to write a song about it that helped me cope.

7. What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

A lot of people assume that because I’m bisexual, I’m some sort of fetish they can use to fulfill their dirty fantasies. I’m always asked to be a part of a couple’s threesome. I am told that the only reason I’m bi is because I want double the opportunities to have sex. It’s ridiculous and disgusting. I’m bi because I like people. Not because I like sex.

8. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

I really fucking love beanies! Most of the time I read that’s the essential clothing item for all genderfluid people, which makes me laugh, because it’s true. Combat boots or converse, black jeans, a band t-shirt, a sports bra or binder, a jean jacket, and a beanie is always my go-to outfit. So much so, to the point my sister told me that every time I go out in public I’m always wearing the same thing, which kind of makes me laugh.

9. Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I don’t know if you’ve ever read the magna, Tamen de Gushi, but I absolutely love it! That lesbian couple is everything! I also really love Shane Dawson and Ryland Adams, of course. Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine Nine and his husband is amazing. Elijah Daniels and Sam also make me super fucking happy.

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

Growing up as a theater kid, I’ve always seen makeup as accentuated and over the top. I only ever wore makeup on stage, and even then, it was special effects type stuff, zombies and clowns and shit. Once I hit puberty though, my mom would force me to wear makeup because she said it would make me beautiful. I hated it. She would force me to put on makeup before I left the door and it made me have horrible self image issues. As I grew older, I found a love for makeup through beauty gurus and drag queens, and I sometimes dabble in it either for fun or for special events like prom or fancy dinners. I always prefer no makeup though, I feel like to me, wearing it is just hiding behind a mask.

11. Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

ALL THE GODDAMN FUCKING TIME. Since I’ve gotten my haircut, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Wearing a binder also helps so much! However, I still really want to start T and I think that will help a lot. Dysphoria affects me in so many ways, whether my self confidence or my body image, my anxiety and my mood, etc., a lot of it depends on how comfortable I am in my own skin.

12. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Homophobic people are probably the stupidest people I’ve ever met in my life, to be honest. I’ve heard thousands of dumb things come from their mouths. I think the most outrageous myth I’ve heard is probably that being gay is a disease, and that simply being around another gay person will make you gay. Like who the fuck comes up with this shit? Smh.

13. What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

How creative we are. We’re resilient and outspoken and passionate, but most of all, so talented. The queer community is full of inventors, politicians, emperors, artists, directors, actors, musicians, and more. It’s gorgeous just how much we are capable of.

14. What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

The discrimination breaks my heart. The fact that we are terrified to so much as hold hands with the one we love in public. To be beaten, tortured, and killed simply for who we are. That is what hurts me the most.

15. Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

No, I find it sort of ironic every time there is a pride event I happen to have a concert on that day. Once, a Panic! concert, which honestly is sort of the equivalent of Pride. We went and there were so many LGTBQ+ flags and people and it was so gorgeous. I have attended pride prom once though, and it was probably the most fun I had ever had in a really long time.

16. Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I absolutely adore Miles McKenna. He has helped me so much in finding myself and accepting who I am. He’s such a huge spokesperson for the community and I am so grateful to have him in my life.

17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I’ve been in several relationships, surprisingly, through parties and discussions and friends. My s.o. right now I met through high school, which was crazy in itself, but we’ve been dating for almost two years now and I love them to death.

18. What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

Beautiful Music for Ugly Children is one of my favorite books ever and it’s about being FTM trans and I love it so much wow.

19. Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

So very much. After coming out to one of my best friends, she stared at me, disgusted and went “well don’t try to have sex with me or anything” and then proceeded to never talk to me again. I’ve received dirty looks and glares, been misgendered on purpose, and even received death threats. It’s horrible.

20. Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

I love American Horror Story so much because of just how much representation it gives our community and how natural they make it seem! And of course, “Love, Simon” was an amazing movie that made me cry like a baby.

21. Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

I don’t really know about bloggers, but definitely Youtubers! Shane Dawson, Miles Chronicles, Thomas Sanders, Ally Hills, Anthony Amorim, Elijah Daniels, Elle Mills, Garrett Watts, Sam Collins, Todrick Hall, and Trevor Moran are a couple of my favorites.

22. Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I don’t think queer should be a slur. I think queer is a form of self expression and an umbrella term for the community, and I believe many other LGBTQ+ members agree. It’s a word that we take great pride in rather than shame or discrimination.

23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but god I would love to.

24. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

For me, it’s simply just a part of who I am. Just like the weather, my gender simply changes and I adapt to it. It makes me comfortable in my own skin and proud of who I am. I wouldn’t change being genderfluid for the world.

25. Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I fucking hate the idea of pushing a human being out of my vagina, and I would probably want anything else in the entire world other than giving birth. Being pregnant for nine months sounds absolutely miserable and dysphoric, and I cannot even imagine going through labor. However, I would like to have kids, just simply through foster care or adoption, never like my own biological children. There are more than enough kids who need good homes who already exist and I’m more than happy to give it to them.

26. What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You aren’t alone and there are so many people just like you. Your parents do not own you and cannot tell you who you are supposed to be. You are you.

27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

Gender roles are complete bullshit. Let a guy be a stay at home dad. Let a woman be the working one. Everyone should have responsibilities regardless of their gender. If there’s dirty dishes, do the fucking dishes, don’t wait for your spouse to get home to do them. It’s absolutely ridiculous, really. Just do your part in the relationship.

28. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

It breaks my heart how much pain and suffering one has to go through just to be themselves, especially for women and trans people. It’s horrible.

29. What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

It’s natural! It’s comfortable! And it’s normal! Being oneself is just part of life, there’s no need to have shame or guilt about it. Respect someone the way you wish you would be accepted and loved.

30. Why are proud to be lgbt+?

We have worked so fucking hard to be recognized for who we are. There’s still so much we need to do though, and we aren’t ever going to stop until every single one of our siblings gain the love and respect they deserve.

#pride month #lgbtq+#genderfluid #bisexual #genderfluidity #bisexuality #bi asks #genderfluid asks #pride asks #happy pride month

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