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capricores · 4 years ago

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FOURTH HOUSE: childhood observations (by mode)

* i focused more on the rougher manifestations of these placements in this post! i will make a positive manifestations version of these placements soon. also note your whole chart will influence this, and especially the individual sign of your fourth house (and planets located in the fourth), i am just grouping by mode for ease. also this is entirely based off my own research, interpretations, experiences, etc.

✨ mutable (pisces, gemini, sagittarius, virgo) fourth houses often experience childhoods in which one or both parents (or guardians) were absent. it may not be physically, it’s also often having emotionally detached and/or distant parents/guardians. mutable fourth houses usually had childhoods in which they had to learn to care for themselves and be independent at young ages; which is why as adults they generally have no problem living on their own, caring for themselves, making their own home & adjusting to change wherever they go (especially true if they also have a mutable moon and/or venus). unfortunately they also often struggle with emotional processing and expression in adulthood due to the emotional or physical unavailability of their family. it often even manifests as an attraction to toxic partners/friends who provide nothing emotionally/only drain them.

they are also likely to experience childhoods that involved a lot of moving around (cities or countries, schools, etc), which is why many mutable fourth house individuals feel as if they don’t truly have a “home”, and feel comfortable moving around freely in adulthood, and don’t have an immense need to stay stagnant in one physical place for too long (this will apply more to sagittarius and pisces). however this can also manifest in a more stressful way, feeling as if they “lost’ their childhood, or have no home nor stable place to go to when they are overwhelmed and in need of comfort. they must spend a lot of time and effort learning where they can find comfort, and how to build their own safe spaces.

the child’s intelligence was likely placed on the forefront during childhood, especially if the individual has gemini/virgo in the fourth. college/university may have been especially pressured for sagittarius fourth house individuals. you may have had a childhood in which you were encouraged to share your thoughts, ideas, opinions, etc freely and were praised for such. but on the other hand, you may have been forced down a certain path (school-wise), and had far too much stress put on you throughout childhood regarding your grades and perceived intelligence.

mutable fourth houses tend to come from “odd” situations; and usually quite unstable home environments. i’ve personally noticed mutable fourth houses are the least likely to want to talk about their past, family, childhood; because they’re sometimes ashamed of the “strangeness” of their past and the uncontrollable things that occurred in their childhood, because of their parents/family/etc.

✨ cardinal (libra, cancer, capricorn, aries) fourth houses tend to have parents/families that were over-involved in their lives; often controlling. i find that they likely had parents that put ridiculous amounts of pressure and responsibility on them from a young age. these placements didn’t get much time to be an actual child, as it’s likely they weren’t shielded from the harshness and rough realities of the world/others like they should have been. due to this, cardinal fourth house individuals tend to know exactly what they want for themselves in the future; specifically in terms of their home life, and future relationships; they usually end up developing unmatchable work ethic and boundaries as adults. however, they have to learn to embrace, accept and express their inner child; otherwise they will drown themselves in stress.

capricorn and aries fourth houses specifically were likely to experience a lot of strictness/control, and an authoritarian, sometimes aggressive, nature in their homes. they may have felt a lot of tension in their home growing up, and as if their parents/guardians were pushing them too hard in everything they did; trying to piece together their lives for them and leaving them with no say. their may have even been a lot of fighting between family members in their homes, or passive aggression, if this placement manifests harshly. this is why they tend to grow up fiercely individual and with a refusal to let anyone ever tell them what to do. they can easily hold their own regardless of the situations they’re placed in as adults.

cancer and libra fourth houses i’ve noticed had perfectionism and high standards placed extremely hard on them from a young age, especially from mother figures. although i find them the most likely of all the fourth house signs to be “babied” throughout childhood, i’ve also noticed this babying being turned into too much focus on this child. to the point where the child has so many expectations, high standards, etc., to meet due to the unrealistic projections and pressures from their parents. cancer and libra fourth houses often experience their parents trying to force certain futures onto them, that they themselves weren’t able to achieve/fulfill. in certain manifestations, this fourth house placement actually makes it so the cancer/libra fourth house individual has to be the parent to their own parents/siblings/etc. they may be overly forgiving, nurturing, and giving to their family (this will be heightened if venus or neptune are in the fourth as well).

cardinal fourth houses likely had a very perfectionist home environment and childhood, as i mentioned, and may have even been heavily pressured about their appearance, and how they come off to the public and represent their family. “image” was of huge importance throughout their past, and may have led to them being insecure adults or adults who are far too hard on themselves. it’s possible their parents had a picture perfect home/seemingly very peaceful home to the public/outsiders, that was actually a disaster/toxic environment behind the scenes. negative cardinal home environments can also leave individuals scared to initiate things and act on their own/without a push, despite this initiation being in their nature; since they were so used to being pushed by family members in various directions.

✨ fixed (leo, scorpio, taurus, aquarius) fourth houses can have their childhoods/pasts summed up in one word: intense. in true fixed fashion, their home environments were likely very strong: whether that strong is a good or bad word, depends on the manifestation of the placement. fixed signs, much like cardinals, likely experienced very controlling and sometimes aggressive (more likely for scorpio/leo) environments in the home. regardless of the sign, the parents/guardians were likely very stubborn, pushy and may have not allowed the child to have their own independent thoughts, goals, desires, ideas, etc. due to this, fourth house in a fixed sign individuals usually grow up to have very unshakable goals and opinions, and are able to hold their own in very serious and tough situations (such as loss, heartbreak, confrontation, etc). these individuals also sometimes must provide financially for themselves (and even their family) at a young age, because their family is unable to do so for them. it’s common for these fourth houses to get jobs at younger ages than most people around them generally would. i’ve also found those with fixed fourth houses (esp taurus/scorpio) had family members who tried to control and manipulate them via money/material items/finances; OR who tried to manipulate money out of them.

scorpio and aquarius fourth house placements specifically go through a lot of change and transformation during their childhood. they tend to experience immensely unstable home environments; due to the influence of uranus and pluto. it’s likely something major and traumatic may have even happened during childhood, that essentially changed their life forever (of course depending on other placements and just, life in general). they may have been the types to move around a lot during childhood, or have a lot of sudden swings in their life. the swings may have been smaller things, such as their parents/guardians being very moody, changing jobs a lot, etc; or larger things, such as famliy members losing jobs/income, sudden death, divorce of parents, etc. scorpio and aquarius fourth house individuals tend to, like mutable placements, end up “raising themselves” and/or feeling very alone and detached as a child; and as an adult (they really have to work on “building their own family” via friendships/etc).

similar to libra and cancer mentioned above, leo and taurus fourth house placements are likely raised with intense ideals and expectations from their parents; and are driven to a constant state of achieving unattainable perfection. this can result in becoming adults with huge insecurities that are far too hard on themselves. their home life throughout childhood is usually quite abundant (this abundance isn’t always good, however), or they have parents/family members with very material/money-focused mindsets. they may have frequently experienced their parents putting their careers, image, belongings, etc., before their own child(ren), leaving them feeling quite abandoned or unloved. this is why these individuals often go on to seek validation/love from others in the future for their self-esteem, especially if they have strong leo personal placements. leo and taurus fourth houses likely had huge pressure from their family to make something significant out of themselves. not necessarily a pressure to just do well in school, but to do something huge; such as become famous/widely-known, obtain scholarships/the highest grades, get a super “distinguished” or high-paying job, etc.

#astrology #mine #fourth house #ic #m:sp #ofc your other placements will alter this!! and planets in fourth #and there's so many different manifestations for these placements #and they absolutely alter by individual sign. but i enjoy grouping together by mode #i will make a more in depth post on specific signs eventually #i could rant abt the fourth house ALL day #i think i've studied fourth house more than anything else throughout my years of being into astro #if u can relate to this pls tell me i love the ego boost and validation FJLDKJFD

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blu-joons · 3 years ago

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DAD MONSTA X A⇴Z HEADCANON ⇴ Son Hyunwoo

A ⇴ AFFECTION

With such strong arms, Hyunwoo loves to make you feel supported and keep his arms around your bump as much as he can. He constantly has you against his chest so that he can look around at you too and make sure that you’re alright.

B ⇴ BUMP

More than anything else, Hyunwoo tries to help you out with your bump and stop it from getting in your way. He’s always moving things out of your way or warning you when a tight space is coming so that you can get around with your bump being a problem. Or, around the house he’s often completing little tasks that he knows your bump gets in the way of.

C ⇴ CRAVINGS

Hyunwoo is never one to say no to food, and so whenever you’re craving, he’ll be more than happy to sit down and eat with you too to stop you feeling so bad about eating so late into the night. Having him as a bit of a craving buddy certainly stops you guilting yourself for eating so much, even if Hyunwoo still ends up eating more than you.

D ⇴ DUE DATE

Having spent so many years in charge of the boys and keeping things organised, he can’t help but do the same with you and your baby too. Everything gets sorted around your due date, it’s always in the forefront of Hyunwoo’s mind so that he can make sure things are kept on schedule and organised. Whatever he has to plan or do, he’ll always makes sure it’s done before your due date so neither of you have to worry.

E ⇴ EMOTIONS

He’s not always someone who shows his emotions well, but Hyunwoo can’t help but get excited knowing that he’s about to become a dad. At night especially when he lays down beside your bump, he’ll open up to you a lot about how much he’s looking forward to welcoming your baby in the world, making sure that he promises to you too that he’ll take the best care of you both and keep your family safe and loved.

F ⇴ FAMILY

With you living away from home, Hyunwoo’s conscious often of how far away you are from your family and how alone you sometimes feel too. And so, behind your back he ends up organising several trips for various members of your family to fly out throughout your pregnancy to support you, sorting as much as he can on his end secretly, making sure that you don’t find out what’s going on until you hear a knock at the door.

G ⇴ GENDER

You both were happy to wait, it wasn’t particularly important to either of you, boy or girl, neither of you seemed to mind. You’d already agreed that you wanted at least two kids, as Hyunwoo didn’t want them growing up an only child like him, and so whatever you had this time, you just hoped that you could have one of the other next time around.

H ⇴ HEARTBEAT

The beat of your baby’s heart would always bring the smile shy to Hyunwoo’s face which you absolutely adored. His eyes would light up every time he managed to find the spot where he could hear the beats, nodding his head along to the rhythm when he found it, completely lost in his own little world.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU”

Hyunwoo wasn’t the best with words, and so his actions and the way in which he looked after you would usually show you that he loved you the most. He was always making life easier for you, or cuddling up to you, both making sure that you felt loved and appreciated by him even when you were feeling pretty low.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY

The protective side of Hyunwoo can sometimes leave him feeling a little bit jealous, especially so now that you’re pregnant. He’s not the biggest fan of someone being all over you at the best of times but watching someone be all over your baby bump too is far from ideal for him. He’s not one to kick off, but he’ll use his tall frame to insert himself into a situation where he feels like he needs to intervene and keep you and your bump protected.

K ⇴ KICKS

As with the beat of your baby’s heart, the kicks of your baby are another action that Hyunwoo can’t get enough of it. His hands are always exploring around your bump whenever he’s holding onto you in the hope that he’ll be able to find the spot where your baby is kicking and enjoy feeling a few kicks for a little while too.

L ⇴ LABOUR

He knows more than anything that he has to be there for you through your labour, supporting you the entire time. His hand is bright and red and on the verge of breaking when your baby finally arrives, but it’s a small price for him to pay when he’s watched you be so strong. Despite the many smiles you’ve seen from Hyunwoo through your pregnancy, none of them are as wide as the one he wears when your baby arrives.

M ⇴ MORNING SICKNESS

Your sickness doesn’t faze Hyunwoo in the slightest, his only concern is you. Once you’re finished, he’s more than happy to tidy up too and make sure that you rest instead of worrying. He’s completely unbothered, and when he returns to you with the bathroom clean, he’s more than happy to lay with you too and help you settle.

N ⇴ NURSERY

Being able to build the nursery is one of the things that Hyunwoo looks forward to the most, being able to impress you with his strength and skills excites him, knowing how much you love watching him do manly things too.

O ⇴ OBSESSION

Hyunwoo is obsessed with your body and completely fascinated by how much it changes. He’s always finding out new things about you as your baby grows, admiring the way in which your body looks with your bump too.

P ⇴ POST BIRTH

For a good few days Hyunwoo barely lets you lift a finger, he’s more than happy to be the one to take care of things, usually stubbornly too. He won’t ever ask for help from you unless he really has to, even then he’s reluctant, determined to handle things and be the best dad and partner that he can possibly be.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS

Hyunwoo is forever offering out his help to you, even when you’re completely fine. Even if he knows that you’re more than capable of completing a task, there’s still always a small part of him that worries that you might not be able to do it.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS

At night, Hyunwoo loves to talk about the future with you, especially now that you have your baby to consider too. He often wonders where life will take the two of you, and what sort of pathway your baby will go down too, questioning what they’ll be like, and what sort of mix of the two of you they’ll be as well.

S ⇴ SCANS

He can’t get enough of your scan photos, and more importantly, showing them off to people. Everyone knows how proud Hyunwoo is about becoming a dad, and so they’re always happy to entertain his excitement and let him talk them through the scan photos, making sure that he doesn’t miss out a single detail.

T ⇴ TEST

You’d been secretly trying for a little while to fall pregnant as Hyunwoo’s schedule became quieter, but neither of you ever expected that you’d fall pregnant as quickly as you did, after only a couple of months of trying.

U ⇴ ULTRASOUND

There were a few near misses, but Hyunwoo just about managed to get to all of your appointments, cursing his forgetfulness most of the time.

V ⇴ VISITS

He was keen to keep things between the three of you for the first few days and make sure that you were well recovered before inviting too many people round, making sure that numbers were restricted for a short while too.

W ⇴ WAITING

Hyunwoo was incredibly patient, he loved to just see what each day brought and the different changes in you and your bump that he’d be able to notice too.

X ⇴ XXXX

With his hugs often coming from behind, it almost feels like instinct for Hyunwoo to follow that up by kissing you. He doesn’t want to just give your baby affection; he wants to make sure that you feel loved by him too.

Y ⇴ YOU

You left Hyunwoo in awe, he couldn’t believe quite how incredible your body was.

Z ⇴ ZZZ

Most nights anyway, Hyunwoo loved to have you against his chest, but even more so now that you were pregnant. He loved wrapping his arm around your bump and giving you a human cushion to rest into at night too.

---

Masterlist

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sanghyukstattoos · 3 years ago

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Mafia!SF9's reaction: dying (?) when saving

A/N: Amazing huh, as always, thank you for this request

Read more here~~

Youngbin:

You and him trained at the same time as one another, displaying hardiness, endurance, team work, sacrifice and other traits judged to be essential for leadership

You spared on many occasions but never spoke apart from giving each other feedback and honest criticism

Such a good pairing that your superiors considered letting you two work together but the plan never made it through, they had already had other plans for you

Far into the future, the two of you have already settled into leading your groups when you stumble onto Youngbin in a civilian area

You have been living there for quite some time, having shifted only recently but Youngbin's apparently been here to for some weeks and to trail someone.

You meet him in an open store, lined with books, magazines for travel and snacks, in the dead heat of the summer and the owner moving around.

The next time you meet him, he accidentally bumps into your shoulder sending your stuff to the ground which when you pick up, he uses one to disarm the person who is following him

Moments later, you trace back your steps to find your missing item and out of pure curiosity do you find yourself witnessing the mysterious figure about to commit a violent action.

Youngbin has this look on his face, alerting you that he is not the same, scared and ready-to-plead person that he used to be at the academy

When you save him, the both of you fend off the attacker and send him packing to your superiors, in turn you receive benefits for his hard work and your last minute effort to save him

He takes you to this place he found out about earlier, it's completely nature, untouched by humans because of how it is sealed from the outside world, people are only allowed to marvel at it. He shows it to you as a sign of his gratitude.

Inseong:

Initially the person that none of your superiors thought would not make the cut but his display of determination, endurance to grow and willingness to change to be the best changed their mind which is why he eventually joins your team.

His readiness to ease tough situations and have fun with others makes him the perfect candidate to be a friend with, he's not the type to easily give comfort though.

This is because he's a kind soul but doesn't necessarily know how to properly express it which is why the members go with him to have fun because he knows how to lift a mood.

His advice is all hay-wire with random mumbles but his actions dictate what he's been trying to say all this time.

Secretly vibes to girl group songs during your breaks, what a guy~

When he's in danger, he reacts quickly because he's trained too but the individuals agility and strength throws him off, along with other people that have ganged up on him.

He keeps his cool, fighting with the agenda to get out of this place as quickly as possible and he almost succeeds, if he isn't brutally dragged back inside.

You and the rest of you team members help him and take what you need

He's injured, not life-threatening and you are impressed, he thanks you as he sits on the hospital bed but you reject his thanks by saying that it was all him, he managed to save himself all the way.

Jaeyoon:

Unsure of what he's supposed to do at first, you have to delegate tasks, responsibilities and he messes up but he is good at adapting to situations so he's quick on his feet and is able to think of solutions.

This makes him reliable and dependable since he is also great at comforting the others, his sweet nature allows people to easily warm up to him and share their troubles. A great listener and excellent contributor to the team, you appreciate him a lot because of it

A team player so his lack of ambition thwarts his concern for the members, he is completely fine with unsuccessfully completing a mission as long as the members are safe. Unlike the other SF9 members, he sees it as two options and will choose either one whereas the others will try and achieve both.

Supposed to meet the escape team on the other side, an external factor causes you to stay behind with him although he insists that he will be fine, you know that he fears the idea of being solitary.

He makes jokes to lighten the atmosphere and when it is time to move, he follows your orders as he has always trusted your instincts as team leader

He is immediately the best the person to be stuck with because of his variety of specialised skills that will contribute to any situation.

When you save him, he does the same for you too, not out of favour but as a responsibility that the two of you have to look out for one another as team members and also because of the situation you are in.

He'll show you physical affections as a way of saying sorry that he was not careful enough and that you could have almost died as you saved him, an example would be a short hug and when you are running, he'll hold your hand and tug your along

Dawon I Lee Sanghyuk:

He was the last person to join the group and although shy at first, he's grateful for the others since they managed to bring him out of his shell

Is playful and teasing when off duty and makes it a point to tease you, is the main reason why the trauma is less significant as a group, responsibility may be equally divided but his light-hearted spirit ensures that you can complete the mission with the same characteristic.

Is very serious during missions and his ability to lead the team through tough situations- with his instillation of hope and strategical tactics, is the reason why you would choose him to be the leader in your place.

One thing that unnerves you about him is how he falters when he's shocked, he stills when on a mission but the dangerous environment leaves him at great risk.

You realise it's full play when you're tipped off and send Sanghyuk alone to the hotel room but he freezes upon seeing the long-past wounded individual, despite your team's best efforts to bring him out of his trance-like state, nothing changes.

That's when you run up flights of stairs to save him, you get there moments before he's about to pass away from strangulation as the stranger behind him makes extreme effort to achieve his goal of secrecy.

After that, you make sure to train his response by sending to training lessons again but this time, his heart rate is going to be normal no matter who or what he encounters.

Rowoon:

Your personal assistant, can and will fight if and when required.

Very talented in the field but switched to assisting after a traumatic event with his previous group, they all survived but he could not compartmentalise what had happened so he left

Praised for his immense talent and often had the responsibilities of scouring targets and/or engaging with them in order to gather information

Is actually much more awkward than his first impression, mainly because everyone's first impression of him is based off his looks

His persuasiveness helped him encounter and secure targets making him ideal

Is the cook of the group when they were stuck somewhere, did it automatically and was not afraid to put anyone in their place if a fight broke out but never mixed the two

Spoke to his members and confided in their worries so that by soothing theirs, he would also soothe his.

Was ambitious to complete missions, looks out for himself a little more than he does for others which his superiors like and encourage but you have mixed feelings about it.

When you save him, he reconsiders his priorities during missions but you know that he had every right to look out for himself in a situation as dangerous as this so he has no obligation to change.

Is visibly shaken even after, you can see the fear in his eyes hidden with the idea that he is still alive and won't be encountering these situations as easily because of his current job as your assistant.

Is reprimanded and almost suspended by your superiors because had he almost failed his job, neither of you would be alive, strives to change after that

Zuho:

Reliable as a team member but insists that he should work alone and after convincing your superiors, they allow him to work in a remote, rural part of a country.

Your team is also stationed there but is working on a different mission, you knew that there would someone working alone towards one goal that your superiors need to achieve

You bought up the obvious considerable risks associated with a mission assigned in such a way, including whether the individual would pull through with their results

You choose not to doubt though, meeting him just before the dense forests that have been reconstructed to accommodate the growing population

He's immediately more interested in the suffering of the animals, telling you that they don't have sufficient water, food and space to live and you nod, preoccupied.

You ask him to take a look and he has to put this little animal that he's petting for the last twenty-five minutes down to start concentrating when he sees the absolute chaos

Fights with vengeance, he's angry that they have taken away the animal's nature and you sigh when you have to save him

He's overwhelmed with pain, the struggle of fighting multiple figures and not running into some big cat to become it's next meal

You help, are also wounded in the process so he helps you patch it up and carries your limping self to the medics. Comes back to check up on you and give his thanks.

You get just a little bit closer and from then on, it's just luck whether he's assigned to your team or not

Yoo Taeyang:

He's capable, tolerant of other people and does not easily lose his temper as compared to the initial reviews you received from his pervious superiors. However, he does easily misunderstand.

That is why he sometimes look as if he is forever annoyed with his furrowed eyebrows or pursed lips

Fun-loving guy, somewhat introverted so it takes time for him to get to properly know the team. Is also objective to your leadership even if everyone else seems to follow along exactly what you say and this is something you appreciate because you like the engagement.

When he trusts you enough, he won't question your orders but will ask for elaboration if any is needed, also the person you ask to sum up everything you have said, his memory is amazing like that

He's got exceptional fighting skills and the talent to predict the opponent's moves, was the same reason he earned a promotion despite his slight inability to work with others.

Very rarely comes to you with problems, often comes when he has the solution as well, similar to a report

Never lies so you can expect to hear the only and complete truth from him, says things as they are not as they should be so is reliable and dependant.

Usually the two of you spar, so if the opportunity arises in the field, you are able to fight together and once, you prevent his torso from being slashed.

He is surprised but quickly recovers and expresses his gratitude after it.

It's just work after all

Hwiyoung I Kim Youngkyun:

Puts in that little extra effort to make sure that the team's spirit is uplifted, like the the mood maker

Is easy to speak too and seek comfort from, when you were just a new group and you told him the truth about how you felt being the leader, he gave you some advice but feeling that it may have been too much, he ended it with, ''Just go for it.''.

A real sweet guy, for example, opens the door and lets people by, basically operates by the principle that you should people how you want to be treated, also goes for showing care or displaying kindness.

He's wounded in the leg, he's clutching it to try and stop the bleeding but he's down, the pain is so overwhelming that he's thinking how anyone could get up and run away and for a second, he even contemplates that this could be the end.

It's when you save him from the situation, let him lean on you till you find the medics, stay with him in the hospital and check up on him that he's going to put in all the effort he can to watch your back.

You tell to ease up and that's it is no big deal, because in line with his personality, you know that he would do the same

The two of you grow much, much closer after that

He no longer feels awkward to confide in his team leader and that's how you spend the end of your mission together after he almost dies, drinking beer and watching the stars in the night

Chani:

Chani panics, freezes as a result of the fear that had almost instigated his worst nightmares.

He's close to breaking down but rather than something simple like a single emotion or characteristics, he is conflicted. He knows that you are safe but his mind can not comprehend what you just did for him.

He's thinking that the your actions are multiple, behaviour complex, feeling safe amongst the unsafe environment because he knows that he can go home.

He's in shock, he's laying on the ground, kicked there, propping himself on his elbows after experiencing such massive fear that he would die.

You walk towards him, he wants to cry, for you to comfort him and tell him that you've got him but he doesn't say anything, he keeps this guard that when he stops along the way, he holds your hand and tells you thank you.

''There's nothing- I mean, I don't... What just happened was, thank you'' he says, fumbling for the correct words, wanting to attribute the success of his living to you.

But that was when he was a novice and you were teaching him the tricks of the trade.

Now he is much more confident, he knows how to compartmentalise and is frequently remarked as one of the best soldiers on and off duty.

He even saves you once, save is a stretch because he played a part and when you thanked him, he said that it was nothing compared to what you once did.

He was so cool about it that you teased him all the way till you dropped him to his house.

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tarotinapinch · 3 years ago

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Pile Two: Lepidolite Tower

1. Soul Gift: What you came here to express and share with the world.

*Child of the Cosmos: The intelligence of the Universe lies within you.

*Lemuria: Creating heaven on Earth. It's happening.

*Get Curious

*Remembrance

You incarnated in this life to help the world remember how to look through life through the innocence and curiosity of a child. When we are younger, life seems so much more colorful, whimsical, and magical. We explore anything that we're curious about without thinking, not letting fear or anxiety get in the way of our quest. We never truly lose this, we are just taught by society that we need to "grow up", see life through a filter that dampens the vibrancy of the world because that's what is deemed "realistic". But this is all untrue. Living in that childlike energy is what will propel you forward in life and help bring you to a happier state of living. You are naturally a very curious person and you probably feel the pull to investigate anything that seems intriguing to you. And you are meant to do so not only for yourself, but so that you can share this knowledge that you have received from the Universe with the rest of the world, which will help raise the collective vibration. Raising the collective vibration, in turn, helps to start creating heaven on earth. This means teaching people to live their most authentic life by staying true to yourself and living your own. Teach others by example. Share the wisdom you learn on your adventures led by curiosity.

2. Karmic Wound: What you came here to heal.

*You're not for Everyone: Embrace your weirdness. Face your true north.

*The Initiation: Rite of passage. Crossing the threshold.

*The Seeker

*Let Your Light Shine

You are learning that you aren't for everyone, even if that might mean your immediate family members or even friends that you've had in your life since childhood. You came here to seek your own unique path and to teach others that they can seek their own as well. You're helping heal the mentality that there is some right of passage that you must cross, or a certain direction that you must follow just because that is the "normal" or "right" thing to do. What even is "normal" or "right"? In society they're nothing but biased ideals and almost everyone's definition of these things is different, so how are we all supposed to fall into one "normal" or "right" area? This is such a situation that is set up for failure from the start. You are healing this wound, the one that tells you that you need to "fit in" in order to be accepted. You are healing this mindset to let your unique light shine bright. This warm energy heals you and those around you. Keep being yourself, no matter how "weird" it may seem to others. Don't let societal or familial constructs prevent you from living your most authentic life.

3. Life Lessons: What you came here to learn.

*Karmic Relationships: Orion Energy. Polarity. Soul growth. Conflict.

*Inner Temple: Devotion. Tune into the portal of your heart.

*The Pillar

*Veisica Piscis

You are here to learn the differences between a karmic relationship and a true soul connection. You might have many of both kinds of these relationships within your life, and while soul connections are of course always preferred, karmic relations are your greatest teachers of important life lessons. One of which is learning just how powerful you are when you stand in your own truth. You have all the strength and willpower you need within yourself, you do not need anyone else to help you stand. You have all the tools, skills, and smarts to learn what you need to in order to achieve any goals you may have in this lifetime. You are here to learn that you aren't one half of a heart looking for your other half. You are whole heart and will be able to love others at full capacity because of this fact. You will attract someone that will also have the capacity to love you fully because they are as wholehearted as you. This will happen for you as soon as you start living for and loving yourself just as you are, flaws and all. When you realize that you are the whole package and are capable of loving yourself honestly first and foremost. When you love your authentic self, you attract true soul connections, whether they be friends or something more. This pure confidence and love also helps to weed out the karmic relations. Anyone who is not happy about you growing spiritually is not meant to stay with you on your journey. Those who are meant to stay will offer nothing but support for you living your best, most honest to yourself life.

4. Current Obstacle: The thing that's challenging you the most.

*You're Not Alone: Isolation. Physical connection. Community.

*Trust Your Path: If you knew you would be supported, what would you do?

*Trust

*Divine Feminine

One of the most challenging things for you right now is trust. You may have had many people have betray your trust, some have even done so on multiple occasions. Because of this you may feel that you are alone or isolated, with no on to turn to because there is no one that you feel deserves the gift of your trust. You may have been burned far too many times. So much so that you are starting to lose faith within your own judgement. But remember what you came here to learn? Karmic relations and what lessons you can take away from them. With the Divine Feminine card popping up, this could mean that you have been wronged by people with feminine energy, leading to a lack of trust with others that hold this same energy, or it could point to a lack of trust within your own Divine Feminine energy. Stated more simply this means that you have lost trust in your own intuition, your inner guiding voice. Whatever the case may be, you are not alone even when you may feel like you are, you always have your guides, your ancestors, your star family, and anyone else that may be on your spiritual team beyond the veil. Also know that you won't stay physically alone forever either. You will start attracting the right people that will reteach you how to trust in others and in yourself as soon as you start clearing the negative deadwood that is dragging you down. Your path is not the wrong one, you are just being shown who is meant for you and who is not. Keep following where you feel called to go. I promise you that following whatever it is that makes you feel happy and fulfilled will never lead you to the wrong destination.

5. Soul Calling: What your soul is calling you toward.

*Star Keeper: Cosmic ancestor. Seed the light by staying grounded.

*Trust the Niggle: What is the niggling feeling trying to tell you?

*The Warrior

*Insight

You are being called to follow your happiness, whatever that may mean to you. You have the support of your ancestors along this journey. You are meant to be a warrior and push beyond the boundaries that your family or society as a whole has tried to put up for you. Those boundaries weren't made or set by you, so why should you adhere to them? Your soul has such insight on where it is that you need to head towards, all you need to do is listen and follow. Don't apologize for breaking boundaries or rules that weren't meant for you. Celebrate the liberation you feel by breaking those walls down and creating your own space to feel safe and accepted for who you are. You are being called to hold onto that inner strength and battle for what you feel is the right thing for you. You're meant to be drastically different from your family, you're meant to break the mold. Go after your happiness with reckless abandon. Make the leap, the Universe will catch you.

6. Guidance Message from your Spiritual Team

*The Tower

*Say Yes. Now is the time to open up and receive. It may be somewhat unnerving but if we are not open to the many good things in life, they might pass us by. Practice saying yes to what you know will stretch you, things you might be a little unsure of. There is abundance all around us, sometimes we just need to make space for it to appear.

*Family

*All is at your fingertips. What has been created by one, can be had by all.

There are great changes on the horizon for you, ones that will shake the entire foundation and crumble the unsteady structures to the ground. This is the perfect time to rebuild from the ground up, build something more sturdy and secure than before. Something that you are more confident in. Say yes to change. Do not resist what is meant for you. There are so many blessings that the Universe wants to give you and all you have to do to receive them is be yourself and let these good changes happen. These are quite possibly changes that will affect your family dynamic, but that is not a bad thing. This will help make that dynamic more healthy for everyone. It will give you a chance to express your boundaries and adhere to them, garnering respect from those around you or teaching them to start to respect themselves and their own boundaries. All of this powerful change and it's right at your fingertips. You have the upper hand in this situation. Take advantage of this opportunity to grow and learn.

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itsclydebitches · 4 years ago

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ngl voyager gets a whole lot of very disproportional hate from the fandom and i'd hazard a guess that a lot of that is just garden-variety misogyny (and probably racism mixed in, considering how many of the most prominent characters are women, poc, or both). like, is voyager perfect? absolutely not. and no spoilers but there was a lot of executive meddling that wound up leading to the finale/conclusion being lacking and there's a lot of reasonable dissatisfaction with that--but again that was largely thanks to the execs fucking the show over and i recommend looking into that if you can once you've finished the show. but overall? voyager is trek right to its very core--it has heart, it's about family, and it never loses sight of that imo, even if some episodes are weaker or just duds (but, like, would it be a trek series without some episodes that just kinda suck but are still fun to watch???)

anyway, i absolutely love that you're getting into voyager, it is my all-time favorite trek series to this day for a lot of reasons, and i hope that ppl like that anon dont put you off bc i'd love to continue to see your thoughts as you watch the series!

Oh, it would take a whole lot more than some anons being salty that others enjoy things to turn me off :D

Thus far (I lost internet last night so I’m still only on Episode 7 of Season 2), Voyager is the Trekiest Trek I’ve watched. Which is a weird sentence, but I mean it in the way you said it’s “trek right to its very core.” What is Star Trek, if we strip the intent of the story down to its basics? It’s about exploration, discovery, that “wagon train to the stars,” wrapped up in the argument that life is fundamentally good. We have problems, but we can work past them. We have differences, but they strengthen us. Diversity is the lifeblood of the universe and the future will continue to improve so long as we embrace that.

Voyager is (again, from what I’ve seen so far!) basically a love song to that premise. I didn’t do too deep a dive because I’m trying to avoid spoilers, but I did look at a couple threads discussing why Voyager is so hated. Again and again I saw the same reason pop up: wasted potential. Now, a lot of fans left it at that (as if the answer to what potential Voyager apparently missed out on is self-evident. It’s not), but those who did expand on the idea consistently claimed that the show needed to be darker than it was, even if they rarely said it like that. Why aren’t the Federation and the Marquis at each other’s throats? Why isn’t the crew going crazy under these circumstances? Why aren’t characters getting killed off left and right in hostile space? “Anything could have happened out there and they played it safe!” but the “anything” here is always... awful. There’s this very pervasive idea that the world is inherently cruel, people are inherently divisive, that when pushed to the brink everything will fall apart... and that (while making for one kind of great story) is very much not Star Trek.

See, Voyager created an unimaginable scenario--lost in space, 75 years from home, forced to live indefinitely with strangers--and their answer to the question of “What happens?” is “People make it work.” They learn to respect one another, they uphold their ideals, they maintain a love of life and discovery, and they create a family. And that’s fucking fantastic. That’s Star Trek! I’m not going to pretend there aren’t problems with the show, with plenty more to come, I’m sure, but I don’t think this is one of them. Why do so many viewers think that hatred, horror, death, and growing jaded is the only potential here? Why would they expect that in a Star Trek show whose premise is the very antithesis of those things?

“But they don’t do enough with those things, even if they have happy outcomes.” They do plenty, they just do it in an episodic rather than serialized nature. I can point to multiple episodes where the replicator rations or Maquis differences are driving the characters’ actions. “But without that horror there’s no conflict.” There’s plenty of conflict. Hostile aliens aside, I just watched an episode where Tuvok and Chakotay are pissed as hell at one another because they fundamentally disagree over how to handle problems, but--because they’re adults with a well-tested respect for one another--they apologize and work through it. “But the characters don’t develop at all.” You mean they don’t grow harder. That’s not the same thing as no development. Tuvok is figuring out how to be more flexible, Chakotay is becoming more willing to accept cultures he doesn’t agree with, Harry is growing more confident now that he’s far from home, the Doctor is learning to see himself as a person, Paris is grabbing his second chance with both hands by making strong ties, and Janeway is learning to command and care for her crew simultaneously. I honestly believe that a lot of people think of “character development” as the character becoming a fundamentally different person, unrecognizable from where they started out. But characters can also grow into the people they wanted to be in the first place. “We’re far from home, in hostile territory, tempted to do horrific things to survive... but no. Right now at least, we’re holding onto who we are. We’re scientists, so we’re going to explore and learn. We’re peaceful, so we’re going to make friends with as many species as we can. We’re members of a society that teaches acceptance, so we’re going to form a family on this spaceship.” That’s incredible!! Did fans miss why Seska was an antagonist in the episode she was unmasked? Because she was trying to convince them to give up everything they believe in in the name of survival, an ends justify the means argument. And the crew said no, we will not give up what we believe in just to make it through. I legit saw a ton of fans saying some version of, “I can’t believe they were that far from home and actually followed Starfleet’s rulebook.” It’s because those rules don’t exist for the hell of it. Overlooking their practical function, they’re a philosophy that the characters believe in, and they’re figuring out how important that part of their identity is to them under these circumstances. Am I willing to steal a specie’s technology if it gets us home? Am I willing to die to help another uphold their own philosophy? (Chakotay in “Imitations”). What regulations should we bend or change to accommodate our new situation? The first two things Janeway does are a) giving the guy who just came out of a penal colony a rank and b) deciding that she needs to be more familiar with her crew than is normally encouraged for a captain because she’s essentially their mom now. Developing doesn’t have to mean characters do a 180 on their initial personality, or characters getting killed off when stuff gets “boring” so that others can do edgy things in response.

Voyager upholds Trek’s premise and runs it to its logical conclusion:

Voyager has the most literal trek--a trek back home.

Voyager has the most diverse crew--a woman Captain, Native American First officer, black Vulcan, Asian-American communications officer, and a White Dude pilot that realizes he wants to be soft and kind towards those who took a chance on him because Toxic Masculinity who?

Voyager has the most literal family--not just a 5+ year mission, but a crew who expects to raise the next generation. They have no choice but to work together, so they indeed come together rather than pulling apart

Except they do, of course, have a choice. In “The 37′s” the crew is allowed to stay on the Earth-like planet with a city of other humans and Janeway is convinced that a sizable number will choose that. After all, they may never get home and this is a safer, kinder future for them. In fact, the real question is whether so many will stay that they can no longer run the ship... but Janeway would never dictate her crew’s choices in that manner. So she swallows her worry down, opens the door...

... and finds that not a single person decided to stay behind. And the show has ensured we understand that this is not just because they all have some unshakable belief that they’ll get home (many don’t), but because this is their family now. This is home.

And fans want to toss that out for a generic, gritty, sci-fi adventure where hope is scarce, the universe is cruel, and people need to be pushed to the limit just to admit that they maybe, sort of, like each other?? Obviously like what you like, but that’s a hard pass for me. I’ll take the bridge crew comforting each other in “Twisted,” thanks. Besides, we already have shows like that. And we already have DS9 which grapples with many of those dark, pessimistic themes. Voyager feels like a breath of fresh air, even within the breath of fresh air that is Star Trek as a franchise. It’s a show that says, “Yes, when everything goes wrong people will come together. They will love each other. They will make it through.”

What’s more Star Trek than that?

#star trek #ST #mymetas #Anonymous

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 4 years ago

Text

HASO, “The Patron.”

Sorry guys! I totally forgot I had this ready for you. I was playing with some some audio adjustment software and lost track of time. Might record one of these stories for fun at some point IDK, but I hope you like this story for today :)

The days passed by, and the sun rolled overhead on repeat, rising and falling with the pulse of Anin as day turned into night into day in an unstoppable cycle, that slow march of time that could not be slowed or stopped. If anything time here seemed to speed by and the rising and falling of the sun almost made her dizzy as she sat on the white moss of that mountain, eyes half closed in slow meditation.

The turquoise water before her was completely still with barely a ripple as the days turned into weeks.

Sunny hardly remembered eating, and she certainly didn’t remember sleeping as her entire existence seemed to be fevered waking dreams. And in through her thoughts and contemplations there weaved the voice and words of the Watcher, his face pulling into occasional focus, dark against the light of the moss behind him.

She didn’t know what he said, but he weaved words around her slowly, like a blanket, entrapping her in a cocoon of time and space from which she could not have escaped even if she had wished it so. At night stars spun above her. The southern star shining bright…. Polaris, a star they shared with earth.

He spoke to her slowly drawing her into a state of meditation so deeply profound it felt as if she no longer had a body. She listened to him, falling into the world, entering as close to the realm of spirits as any Drev ever would. Here, she felt almost… embraced by them, wrapped in arms that were familiar but somehow distant.

She knew she needed to be here.

She had to keep her connection with the spirits, and hopefully the more powerful ones would be able to speak with her. He had no long how she needed to stay in this meditative state before one of them approached. Some had died of starvation during the process, but she didn’t feel hungry, so that was not a concern for her, but she supposed that was the point.

She waited.

And waited.

And waited as the sun wheeled around her, as if she was the center of the solar system.

“I’ve been thinking about you.”

She gasped, jolting awake, or so she thought at first, but somehow, looking around her at the frozen moss, she knew she wasn’t awake. She turned towards the voice and froze as she saw him sitting cross legged on the moss facing her. His voice echoed in her head.

“Adam! How did you find me?”

Adam smiled, and when he did, it seemed…. strange , unlike him, that was until she realized that she was looking into two glittering green human eyes. His legs, cross-legged on the ground below him were bare…. And human. He was hole, his skin unblemished by scars, clear and smooth, glowing with an almost pearly sheen.

He wore white.

“What are you doing here.”

“I’m here to help you.”

“Is this real?”

He scooted closer, and the look in his eyes was so familiar that she couldn’t believe that it wasn’t him. It had to be, there was just no other explanation. He reached out a hand taking hers in his, “Do I feel real.”

She shivered, “Yes.”

He withdrew his hand resting it back on his lap, “Regardless of how real I am, the impression I make on you is real enough to matter. You called out to the universe and I came, your voice is loud and echoes in my head when you call for me, and I cannot ignore.” when he spoke, his voice echoed as if they were standing inside a concrete tunnel, melodic and powerful. She felt, if he raised his voice, and shouted he could shake the world to the very core of it’s foundation, turn the planet to rubble, and weave chains of stars with the simple persuasion of his words.

“I need help.”

“Tell me what you need.”

“The doctrine of the Drev, the martial doctrine of our people is broken, or out of date. I need to fix it, and I need your help.”

He nodded, listening intently to her, and when she looked into his eyes, she saw the universe reflected back at her. It was such a strange and usual sight, that she couldn’t look for too long for fear of falling in.

“The martial styles were originally created with different ideals in mind. At first they were created with the idea of spiritual elements, after that it was the attributions of plants and animals. Sometimes the martial doctrine changed dramatically, while other times it was added onto slowly. I plan to change it in a way that it has not been changed before, and in a way that…. Some may not like.”

He folded his hands in his lap, “And what spiritual or natural phenomena do you plan to craft your martial doctrine after.”

She took a long deep breath, and lowered her head humming softly to herself in pleasure.

Sunny didn’t know she had been thinking about it, but it occurred to her just then, that her days in meditation had not passed by without use, “The GA.”

Adam tilted his head, “The GA?”

“Or the species within the GA.”

Adam sat back in interest, “I see.” He looked down in contemplation before standing, and in his hand appeared a spear of pure sterling silver. She stood with him, and together they stepped out onto th moss, their weapons held lightly in either hand.

He moved into stance, “Show me.”

She closed her eyes and spun her spear slowly round and around, thoughtful before snapping her spear upwards in a sharp motion. He followed her movement, “I would describe this style as…. economical .” She hummed pleased with herself on the description, “It does not use any more or any less than what is absolutely needed. It requires precision, and striking just at the right time to maintain maximum results. You don’t have to move too much to do it, you just have to move at the right time.”

He fell into position just opposite of her, and together they slowly moved through a pantomime fight. It was sharp, and precise, almost brutal if it wasn’t so…. So sharp. He smiled at her from across the circle his teeth bared, “Tesraki, economical, striking just as the right time, like in business but with fighting.”

Sunny nodded, “You have the idea.”

He stepped back, “These will take a lot of work to perfect.”

“I am not afraid of a little wor.”

He smiled wolfishly, “Then let us continue.”

She nodded slowly and together with this strange spector of Adam she allowed it to flow through her: she wasn’t sure if it was simply some kind of reactive energy or if it was the spirits themselves bringing her guidance. Perhaps it was simply her own mind opened to things she had not thought of before.

But either way she could see, feel and hear everything around he, she knew what she was looking for, and the spear felt like an extension of her very being.

Tesraki, Economical and quick, Drev powerful and unrelenting, Rundi, teamwork and hierarchy in a way that no Drev fighting style had ever been performed. Where once pairs of two would have been the norm, the new styles allowed for more as well as shield walls and tight formations. The burg was fought with all four hands all at once in a fury of speed and confusion.

And then to her surprise came an idea from the back of her mind she had not once considered, and instead turned to sit on the ground to the mild amusement and even confusion of the Adam that watched her sat down too.

“I have one for the Vrul.”

The other Adam almost snorted in surprise, “Vrul?”

“Yes…. tactics. To control an entire battlefield is to control and entire battle.”

“Drev didn’t have tactics before?”

She shook her head slightly, “Only to a small degree, based more on platoon leaders and group captains than the entire battlefield. Granted we stage fights when there is ash or when we have the high ground versus the low, but it was never thought of to any kind of degree… “ She turned her head to look up at the sky, “I want to bring back the old tradition, reinstate how things were originally intended. If you can still hold a spear.... IT will be a hard thing for the Drev to accept when they have been steeped in their corrupt traditions for so long, but if there is anyone who can change it, it is me.”

He smiled at her, his sharp white teeth shining like the moss below his feet.

He stepped forward reaching out a hand and taking hers, “I believe you…. You will bring greatness back to the Drev. You will bring understanding and power.”

She stared at him for a long moment, “I have one more style in mind.”

He tilted his head in curiosity.

She stepped back and took her spear closing her eyes and conjuring up images of her foes. She began slowly moving with precision and rhythm until she slowly sped up, she was quick, and powerful and sharp and worked as if there were others around her to help, She used everything she had, every part of her body as a weapon, every advantage she could find to defeat imaginary foes that fell upon her like flies swarm to a corpse.

When she stopped she was breathing hard, the air rolling in through her in great gasps, expanding her ribcage in and putin powerful gusting waves of air.

He watched her, “Was that a new style, or simply aloof them meshed together.”

“Both.” She planted her spear against the ground, “Humanity.”

His smile grew wider.

“With humanity as my template I have created the alst style, perhaps the most powerful among my creations for it combines elements from all the above. It is fast, and economical, and requires teamwork and tactics. It utilizes every advantage, ever limb, and every part of the body. It takes into account the environment and the allies by which you fight…. It is the ability to adapt and change to fit any situation, any terrain and any obstacle.” He beamed at her, the sparking universe in his eyes growing and expanding as his smile grew. She felt dizzy as vertigo overtook her, and she stepped back, falling into the moss and staring up at him as he walked over to kneel next to her.

When she looked into his face, she felt a sudden sensation of warmth that spread through her body, safe and comforting. That voice of his, echoing and powerful belied infinity and the kindness that she saw in his eyes.

“You aren’t Adam are you?” Her voice was thin and quavering.

He knelt next to her, “I am Adam, but I am also more.”

She stared at him in confusion, not sure what that was supposed to mean and with no way to interpret it either.

“You talk about him like you aren't him.”

“That's a bit of a human condition isn’t it? The ability to talk about parts of yourself as if you're not you.”

“You don’t talk like him either.”

HE smiled, “I know more than he does, and I've been around for much longer than he has.”

She shook her head, “then how can you be him?”

He smiled, “Quite easily you might find…. But I am afraid my time here is almost over, and I must return to my place.”

She stared at him, watching as the light around him began to intensify. She staggered back blinded hands raised to cover her face falling into the moss behind her. His form was almost obscured by white.

“Good luck, Sunny.”

And then the world began to spin and she was lying flat on her back in the moss the mountains and the sky blending into one eternal round. Smeared together like some sort of strange painting or another.

Her head continued to spin and curl as the light vanished, and finally.

She could feel.

She realized she was awake almost as soon as it had happened, inside the dream or trance, it had been hard to tell what was real, but as soon as she opened her eyes, she knew the difference, and gasped and sputtered for air as she sat up, looking around in confusion and bleary eyed unfocus.

And with her wakening a sudden word came unbidden to her lips, and she sat up with a gasp.

“Deus.”

The word echoed in her head and it took a moment of confusion before she went quiet unsure of what to think.

Deus.

Naktan was waiting for her, crouched before her with a small stone bowl of water, “Drink, you are weak, and thirsty.”

She hadn’t noticed until he said it, but he was right, and she groaned softly as he held the bowl up for her to drink from. Most of it dribbled down her neck, but there was still more than enough to wet her parched tongue. He held her up, crouched next to her and supported her by the back and shoulder.

“Deus?” he wondered, “Is that the name of the spirit that spoke with you?”

She frowned in confusion, “I…. I don’t know…. But it….. It took the form of a friend. I didn’t understand the things he…. It said.”

“These times are strange indeed. Did you find the answers you were looking for?”

“I… believe I did, but it will take more work for them to be realised.”

He reached down helping her to her feet and supporting hre weak and trembling body when it refused to work, “And I will guide you for as long as it takes. I have watched the fall of the Drev for many years now, and I believe you… you are what will lead them into this universe with heads high. Like the sun for which you are named, you will bring them out of darkness.”

Her head spun a little at his words.

She would bring them out of darkness.

Her.

And her patron.

Deus.

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bettsfic · 4 years ago

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hi, i was reading your years in review and i noticed that you quit a job of many years to go your own way. i was wondering if you would mind talking about this decision/if you struggled with it? idk i've always told myself that i wouldn't let the idea of a "career" get in the way of what i want (e.g. writing) and that one day (shortly after 30?) i would just quit whatever job i had and go my own way, but as that deadline comes up i find it harder to imagine how i could just uproot myself...

yes, i very much did struggle with the decision to quit (what i thought was) my very stable and lucrative career in finance to get an MFA in creative writing. it’s a bit of a long story so i’m putting it under a cut.

warning for suicidality and sexual assault.

i used to believe i grew up poor, but it was the 90s so poverty looked very different. my dad didn’t work for a long time, and so we only had one income, and we lived in an apartment that was kind of a lowkey hoarder home. as a kid, all i knew was that i didn’t get to have toys, or my own space, and i wasn’t allowed to have friends over. the concept of an allowance was totally alien to me. but it also wasn’t like i ever went hungry. the food we had wasn’t particularly healthy but it was always there.

i didn’t really realize how much that instability affected me until much later, when i noticed other people hadn’t lived their entire lives aware of and obsessed with money. i used to compulsively count the change in my piggy bank and beg my mom to take it so she could pay her taxes (i didn’t know what taxes meant, i just assumed they were the reason we couldn’t afford nice things).

my safe haven was always my grandparents’ house, which was clean and had semi-healthy food and the door was always open. my grandpa was a high school chemistry teacher. my grandma worked at a bank. growing up, i had no idea what she did at the bank, just that it sponsored all the fun things we did, like going to amusement parks and baseball games. my parents never took my sister and i on vacation, but every year, my grandma would drive us to visit our family in missouri, which, even though it only cost the gas to get there, seemed like a wild indulgence to me.

i started working at 16 so i could have my own money. by 17 i was working illegally full-time and getting paid under the table. then i bought my own car, and shortly after i turned 18 i got my own apartment. even though i could pay my bills, i was still terrified about money. i thought about it all the time. i checked my bank account multiple times a day. i was a cashier at a restaurant and i would often open my drawer and just stare at the money or count it when i was bored.

but i hated working at the restaurant, and one day i thought to myself, how can i keep the money part of this job but lose the food part? then i remembered my grandma’s career at the bank (from which by then she’d retired), and that afternoon i sat down and applied to be a teller at the very same bank. obviously the bank was very large and it wasn’t like my grandma was in management. she worked in ATM operations. nobody on my hiring committee knew who she was, and honestly i have no idea how i got the job.

i stayed a teller through college, working 25ish hours a week. it didn’t pay very well and i was still nervous about money, so i picked up a job altering bridal gowns on evenings and weekends, and also an admin job at my university. so i was working 60ish hours a week, plus going to school full-time and trying to keep up my 4.0. in retrospect, i can’t remember how necessary all this was. i know i was living in an apartment whose rent was higher than i could afford, and i lived with my boyfriend who was struggling to find a job. anyway, it was definitely the lowest time of my life, and i was so exhausted that every day i hoped something horrible would happen to me so i could be hospitalized and rest.

then something horrible did happen. my dad died. and even though everyone in my life was telling me to please dear god take a break, i did not.

i got promoted to business finance, which paid what seemed at the time to be an ungodly amount of money. i was still part-time and finishing up my undergrad degree. once i graduated, i got promoted to full-time. for the first couple years, i really did try to be a banker. i was good at my job only insofar as someone who is left-handed can write with their right hand if forced for long enough. it felt very much like i was in the wrong place, but by that point i had so much unchecked trauma that i had convinced myself the highest human ideal was misery and deprivation. i wish i was kidding. i was the definition of ascetic and martyred myself. i didn’t believe happiness existed. work was all that mattered to me.

then i bought a house. so at this point, i had student loans, a car loan, a mortgage, and credit card debt. after my dad’s death, my mom had to file for bankruptcy because of all the medical bills. she abandoned her house. by this point i was 23, single, in six figures of debt with no familial support net, but i was making decent money at the bank, so it wasn’t like i was drowning. in fact i was doing pretty well. the bank was a rock in my very turbulent life. i got a lot of vacation time that allowed me to travel a bit. i had insurance and a matching 401(k). it was really a decent job.

but the bank was also in many ways an abusive relationship. i don’t mean that metaphorically. i had bosses who manipulated me, insulted me, humiliated me in front of other people. i had one boss who went so far as to look at my checking account and ridicule my purchases. i didn’t have any idea what it meant to stand up for myself or say no. in fact i wasn’t allowed to say no. my job at the bank involved solving other people’s problems. i could never say “i can’t solve that problem.” i could only say “i’ll figure it out.”

i had convinced myself working at the bank was a stable career because it was boring and i hated it. but actually it wasn’t stable at all. after 2008, there were mass layoffs and restructures every year while the bank tried to recover from the recession. i worked for a sales team, and so my job was dependent entirely on whether or not the salespeople did their jobs well. if they didn’t make goal, they’d get fired. if they got fired, i’d get fired.

i started trying to date again and was sexually assaulted. after that i really struggled at work because i was dissociating a lot and couldn’t focus. my team, despite my having worked there for years, instead of being concerned for me decided to start complaining about me to my boss. finally i had to tell a coworker what happened and that i wasn’t doing very well. my team started being a little nicer to me but ultimately they didn’t care about me, they cared about how effective i was at my job. my boss didn’t want to fire me, so instead i was pushed onto another team.

that move came with a raise. then that team was dismantled and i was pushed onto another team. that was a demotion, but i got to keep my raise from the previous move. by then, i was working from home, and even though i was more comfortable i was also very isolated and miserable. my “fulfillment through deprivation” attitude was destroying me. i wasn’t eating well or taking care of myself. i was isolated and lonely. i still didn’t believe happiness was real and i constantly thought about killing myself.

but i had started writing fanfiction, and even though i didn’t think i was any good at it, i was beginning to see a way out. i was beginning to learn how to dream, and want things, and give myself the things i wanted. i just couldn’t imagine leaving the bank, or selling my house, or moving out of my hometown. all of that seemed impossible to me.

then i had to go to a business conference where my team had a retirement party for one of my coworkers. she’d done what i was doing for 45 years. by that point i was at the 9 year mark. i’d spent my entire adult life at the bank. and i realized: the bank benefited from my fear and passivity, and nothing in my life was going to change unless i was willing to make sacrifices.

but i still wasn’t entirely convinced. and then came the day i had to physically hold onto my desk to keep me from killing myself. i didn’t end up trying it, because i had another realization: this was a life or death situation now. if i kept working at the bank, i knew i would die. i knew eventually i would get low enough to do it. i didn’t actually want to die; i wanted an escape and didn’t know what else to do. suddenly i was off the hook. my options were not “financial stability or imminent poverty” but “live or die.”

those were the big epiphanies i had, but the process of actually leaving the bank was a slow one. i wrote a bit about it here. i got into an MFA program basically by telling myself repeatedly i would figure out the money stuff later. when it came time to quit the bank, my boss convinced me to stay on working part-time, with the assumption i would move back to full-time once i’d graduated. i agreed to it, because just trying to quit was enough to convince me i could, and that better things were ahead of me. for a year and a half, i stayed on working two days a week while doing my MFA, which involved both coursework and teaching, and it felt a bit like it did during undergrad, having too many jobs and no time to breathe or think or feel anything.

between my first and second year, i had a looooong overdue mental breakdown. there were a lot of causes, but one of them was spreading myself too thin. shortly after, i quit for good. by then it didn’t feel like a big deal at all, i was so far removed from the work and my team and so focused on my degree. one day i turned on my work laptop and the next day i didn’t. i shipped it back to HQ and it was over.

then i graduated from the MFA and suddenly had to face the consequences of this life i’d chosen. my school kept me on as an adjunct, but it felt like being a ghost. i no longer had the community of my cohort. i had no health insurance. i was given my teaching schedule and a contract to sign, that’s it. there was no guarantee i would be getting classes the following semester, and after a year, that was what happened. i remember sitting in my favorite coffee shop trying not to cry when i got the email that said the department had nothing for me to teach the following semester.

i really wasn’t the same after the breakdown. i went from “i can do anything i put my mind to no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts” to “i have to step carefully, and treat myself gently.” i hadn’t fully realized that yet, though, so i tried to get a Real Job. i got the first and only job i applied to, because i am bad at nearly everything but somehow i’m exceptional in interviews. it wasn’t a bank but it offered the same sort of benefits package. it was a full-time salaried position at a non-profit. if i had found it earlier, i think it would have been my dream job. it was the kind of work you throw yourself into because you care so much about doing good.

i lasted a month. during the first week something happened that triggered me in a way i’m very rarely triggered. i realized i needed disability accommodations, but i needed to go to a doctor to get an assessment and i had to be on the team 60 days in order to get insurance. i thought i could white-knuckle it, and i could, sort of, but every minute i was at work, it felt like i was forced away from the thing i should have been doing. i was constantly trying to write a few paragraphs here and there on my phone when no one was looking. i had to find excuses to take breaks and go to my car and breathe. at one point i told a volunteer i was an english instructor, and she looked at me very confused, and i realized i’d said it in present tense, like it was part of who i was and not a job i did for a while. then finally, my breaking point was an after-hours function. when i left i saw a field full of fireflies and thought about how, if i’d just stayed home, i could have sat outside and enjoyed them all evening, not just a glance at them on the way to my car. i liked the job but it was making me miss all the things i’d learned to love about being alive.

i quit the next day. i’d sold my house by then (which was its own feat) and moved in with my grandma, which hadn’t been a possibility until my grandpa passed away the previous spring. i paid off my car. i figured out finally that i would probably never be able to work full-time again unless it was teaching, and that the downside to this life would be accepting fear and instability, only being able to look ahead one semester at a time. staying open to the opportunities that arise. being a little selfish.

i wrote a bit more about the financial realities of the writing life here. i can’t tell you what you should do, because the path i took definitely isn’t the path for everyone, but i do believe we all owe it to ourselves to pursue our best and happiest lives, because we only get one, and there’s no reason not to live it the way you want to.

#writing advice #the writing life #Anonymous

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ssidesblog · 4 years ago

Text

do you really talk to god? i wonder what he tells you

patton centric, 3,397 wc, angst, hs au, ao3

patton comes out to his parents, it isn’t pretty

The cold night air had a personal vendetta against him, Patton was sure. He sucked in and brought a hand up to his throat as it burned. His spit was thick but he swallowed it just to have some kind of liquid aid his aching throat. His head pounded in beat to his heart and he couldn’t say he enjoyed the feeling. A gust of wind sent a shiver down his spine.

Maybe it wasn’t logical to be sitting on his roof in the middle of a cold October night but Patton couldn’t seem to bring himself down to his room. Despite the less than ideal weather, the night calmed him. The stars weren’t bright and he knew there were too few to make up a whole night sky but he could see more than usual. No porch lights polluted the sky, everything was asleep; husbands and wives slept in their beds, their kids doing the same, and Patton sat awake but he was as quiet as the people below him, save for a sniffle here and there but he’s sure somebody was snoring loudly enough to make up for the noise.

And Patton couldn’t sleep anyway. Too many emotions ran through his heart and spread themselves through his veins like a disease until he acknowledged their presence. And once they were known, the tears were to be expected. These emotions were not new. They were an old thing that had made themselves a home in Patton’s body, even though he had made it clear they weren’t invited; he didn’t want to be a house, he didn’t want to be an occupied space. But once they had moved in it wasn’t as if Patton could totally ignore them. On most days he did, but they had always loved the night anyway.

So Patton sat on his roof. He was messy and snot faced and the tear streaks on his face were only beginning to dry. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his folded arms on top. His chin was placed on his forearms and his gaze found its way to the sky.

“I never did understand this part.” Patton spoke, talking to nobody, or maybe he was talking to everyone. He didn’t know. He just knew he had to address somebody. “I don’t really like it.” He whispered.

“Is there a reason you stuck me here with them?” His eyes searched for a figure maybe made of stars. “You’re known for being kind but I don’t see how this is fair.”

A pause as if waiting for a response.

“You’ve never been a talker.” He mumbled. God didn’t really like answering Patton’s questions. He thought maybe he did answer his curiosity in little ways, in the people Patton surrounded himself with, in ways Patton couldn’t really describe. He let out a sigh.

“I hope you’re right in the end. I never have been a fan of sad endings,” He lowered his gaze to his small town’s skyline, “Though, Virgil has always told me a sad ending is necessary sometimes. But is that how my story ends?” By the time he asked the question his voice had gone almost completely quiet.

“I don’t know what to do. How do I know what’s right? How do I work up the courage to say who I am? Confidence has never been my strong suit.” The sky never opened its mouth to respond. Patton knew God would never speak to him in such an obvious way. “How am I supposed to proclaim who I am when I still don’t know fully who that is?” In the quiet of the night, Patton realized with a start who he needed to be talking to. Because even though it was nearly three in the morning, he knew he could talk to him, knew he would be willing to have Patton pick him up, drive his truck to the park by their houses and would sit with him until he felt better.

Roman maybe said yes to things too easily. Or maybe he just said yes to Patton too easily. Patton couldn’t find it in himself to reassure him it was ok if he said no, because despite his efforts, Patton was not a selfless person. One could argue that he was selfish and he would agree: hesitant, reluctant. But he couldn’t help it. Roman was a constant in his life, he kept him grounded and safe. He knew just what to say when Patton wasn’t feeling well, he knew when to push, he knew when he needed a hug. He knew Patton in ways Patton didn’t even know himself. Patton always thought Roman may have been a guardian angel. He doesn’t think he’ll ever not think that. He could just imagine God sending him down in the form of a freckled 5 year old kid who’s left front tooth was missing, stick in hand, though if he was asked that was his sword, determined to protect him. Roman always referred to their meeting as fate, a sort of destiny. Patton found himself agreeing.

The house creaked when he stepped back inside. The wailing only stopped when he was out the front door, phone in hand. The text he’d sent was met with an almost immediate response, a confirmation. With that, Patton got in his car and drove one street over. Roman was already standing on the curb when he got there.

“Did you have another freaky sixth sense moment?” Patton asked as Roman sat in the passenger's seat.

“I did,” Roman said with a grin, “Woke up in a start knowing you would be needing me.” Patton never knew if Roman was telling the truth. He never asked. The short ride to the park was made in silence. Patton parked the car and climbed out, jumping into the back. Roman quickly followed. They lied on their backs, facing the too open sky. The small blanket that covered the bed of the truck only took away some of the uncomfortable ridges of the trunk.

“So what’s on your mind, Pat?” Roman’s voice was softer than usual, a certain reservedness only used with his friends.

“How do I come out when I already know it’s going to end badly?” Patton asked, getting straight to the point. There was no use beating around the bush.

“You don’t need to come out.”

“I’m sick of not being able to be my true self, whoever that is,” Patton’s voice could only be described as tired, “I need to be able to live as myself to figure out who I am. I’m almost an adult, Roman and I don’t even know who I am yet.”

“You will never just be one person,” Roman laid his hand out, palm faced up. An invitation. Patton took it. “You’re always changing and growing.”

“How can I grow when the things I need to sustain myself are being taken away from me?” Patton squeezed Roman’s hand, “They haven’t given me the room to be my own person. I’m outgrowing the room they gave me and they can’t see that. That room was never meant for me.” Roman took a second to respond. His thumb lazily traced over Patton’s knuckles.

“They’ll never notice until you tell them. You need to do what will make you happy, Patton.”

“What if I’m not made for happiness?”

“There’s no reason for a what if,” Roman’s gentle tone felt like a comforting hand on his back, “I know you’re made for happiness. That’s what everybody is made for. Pain and sadness are necessary components to happiness. You’ve seen Inside Out.” Conversations were never heavy with Roman. He made things easier.

“I’m scared.” Patton admitted.

“You should be.” Roman’s reply would sound harsh to anybody else, but Patton understood.

“If I need a place to stay-”

“You don’t even need to ask, Puffball,” Roman was smiling, “You’ve heard it from each of us, our house is your house.” Patton knew that, but this could be messy and he could need a permanent place to live.

“I’ve already told Mama you might need a place to live whenever you decide to come out. She’s more than happy to let you stay with us.” Roman said, sensing Patton’s hesitation.

“I couldn’t be more thankful.”

“You’re like a son to her. Probably her favorite.” Roman said with a laugh. Patton chuckled. They laid in silence for a few minutes. It was peaceful and the grounding weight of Roman’s hand in his made it easier for Patton to breathe.

“When are you gonna do it?” Roman asked.

“Tomorrow,” Patton responded, much to Roman’s surprise, “I’ll keep putting it off if I don’t.” Patton explained.

“That makes sense.” There’s a pause before he speaks again, “Please be careful.” He moved their intertwined hands to his chest, holding Patton’s hand protectively.

“I’ll try my best.” Patton responded.

Maybe God would never give a direct answer to Patton. He didn’t mind, not really, because he had Roman and his calloused hands and his soft words. Maybe this was God’s way of answering him.

Maybe this was a bad idea. Patton’s hands couldn’t stop shaking. He’d felt nauseous all day. But he knew what needed to be done and today had to be the day. Patton made his way to the small dining table, setting out plates and utensils as his mother had asked. He took his seat shortly after. He looked to the painting of Jesus that hung in front of him. He said a quick prayer.

“How was your day?” Patton directed this question at his father.

“Work was usual.” He answered. The response was too short, his dad was already in a bad mood. That was less than ideal. The dinner was eaten in silence. That was commonplace, conversation hadn’t been easy with his parents lately. Patton took their dishes to the kitchen and cleaned them as quickly as he could.

“Can I talk to you guys?” Patton asked once he’d stepped into the living room where his parents had migrated.

“Of course, sweetheart.” His mom muted the TV and suddenly Patton felt so small. His parents stared at him expectedly. He took in a deep breath.

“I know this is going to be hard to hear,” His eyes were focused on his fidgeting hands, “But you need to know. I’m gay.” Patton knew that wasn’t the full truth. He was bisexual but that gave too much hope for Patton’s parents to hold onto. His voice was low, almost a rumble. The silence stretched on for what could have been days, weeks, years. Patton decided on years. His dad stood up from the couch. He watched his mom and dad have a conversation with their eyes. Finally, he looked at Patton, expression a mix of anger, disgust, and, mostly, disappointment.

“I want you out of my house within the hour.” His voice was cold and tight. Patton knew this was a possibility, he always thought that’s how it would end and he thought he’d accepted it. But now it was happening and he was angry. Because this was his dad. They had gone fishing once a month, every month since he was 10. He was always humoring Patton’s dad jokes and even adding some of his own. He had taught him how to ride a bike and then how to drive. He’d always been so patient.

“So that’s it?” Patton asked incredulously, “16 years of being your son and suddenly that’s all thrown out the window?” Patton’s voice shook but the anger was still clear. And maybe even he could hear how broken he sounded.

“I didn’t raise you to be like that, Patton. You’re no son of mine.” His dad’s voice held a malice Patton had never heard before. Patton looked at his mom, eyes pleading.

“You heard him, Patton. Don’t make things difficult.” His mom had always agreed with his dad. They were good together, there wasn’t a doubt in Patton’s mind that they were made for each other. He looks at the woman who had taught him to read. She was always quiet and reserved, nothing quite like himself. She always talked about the importance of words, how the words he said would affect the people he spoke them to. She had taught him to always be kind.

“I guess kindness has its limits, huh?” Patton mostly mumbled the phrase but his parents still heard it.

“We are being generous,” His dad practically spat out the words, “I’d have you shipped out to one of those conversion areas but that doesn’t take away the sin.”

“God still loves me.” Patton said.

“God may love despite the sin, but I am not God, Patton.” With that, his dad left the room. Patton was shaking again. He could feel his eyes tear up but he willed himself not to cry. He gave a final glance to his mother before disappearing to his room. He already had his clothes packed. They had already been tucked away in a suitcase for two days. He shoved his laptop and other electronics into a backpack. Patton didn’t have much, a reflection of his family’s wealth. He didn’t mind and at the moment it seemed like a blessing. He took out his phone and sent a text to Roman saying he would be staying with him. He left his house with two backpacks and one suitcase. His mother stood on the porch.

“We do not want you to come back.” She said, “And even though I am angry and disgusted, I want you to be safe.” His heart ached. His parents were never evil, he knew this, no matter how upset he was.

“I’m staying with a friend.” Was his response. She nodded. Patton took that as his cue to leave and walked to his truck, shoving his things in the back seat.

“Patton.” He looked at his mom. “I know what your father said but you will always be our child. God gave us the responsibility of taking care of you, but I do not think we are capable of handling…: She paused, a flash of disgust graced her face, “Your situation. I think we both know it’s better for you to not be under our roof.” He nodded. She turned and opened the door to the house and paused. She looked back at Patton. “God may love you in spite of your lifestyle but always remember that you do not know God, Patton.” And with that she entered the house and closed the door.

Patton was parked outside Roman’s house shortly after. His truck was turned off but he still sat in there. His hands were gripped to the steering wheel. He could feel his breathing become more shallow. He was shaking again. Suddenly, he couldn’t breath. Tears were welling up in his eyes and as they started to descend down his face he felt something in him break. He curled in on himself, arms thrown over the steering wheel, forehead resting against its leather. He didn’t remember when he’d started screaming but by the way his throat scratched he knew it had to have been for a while. He couldn’t stop himself and he didn’t know how much he wanted to. Maybe he should be feeling like this. His own parents had just kicked him out and used his own God against him. He could hear himself calling for his mom, which he knew was no use. It was a habit, he had always been able to call for his mom if he was hurting. But she’d just let him leave. And he didn’t understand what she’d said and the thought of those being the last words she’d ever say to him made him sob even louder.

His car door opened and he saw a familiar face. Olive skin and freckles, deep, brown eyes, perfect teeth. Roman was familiar. He was vaguely aware he was having a panic attack. Roman was instructing him to take in deep breaths. He tried his best but he kept messing up. But Roman was patient. Like his dad. And Patton needed to stop thinking of them. After a few minutes, Patton had calmed down enough to gather up his bags and walk into the house. Roman’s mom stood in the living room, water and medication in hand. She walked over to him and placed both items in his hands.

“The aspirin will help the eventual headache.” She spoke softly, kindly. She rubbed his arm before disappearing into her own room. Patton was led to Roman’s room, which would be doubling as Patton’s. He set down his things next to an air mattress that already had a blanket lying on it.

“Mama said we’ll get you a bed as soon as you’re feeling ok to go out.” Roman said, sitting on his own bed. Patton couldn’t help feeling like he was intruding.

“Thank you.” His voice was hoarse. He took the aspirin and downed the whole cup of water.

“Come lay down here,” Roman patted his bed, “I’ll put on Winnie the Pooh and you can try to relax.” Patton would always be amazed at Roman’s ability to know exactly what he needed. He crawled into Roman’s bed, wrapped in the blanket that had been on the air mattress. Roman connected his computer to the small TV that sat at the end of his bed and played Pooh’s Grand Adventure. He joined Patton on the bed and wrapped his arms around him. They stayed like that the entire movie. Roman made jokes here and there and Patton could only manage a quick chuckle. But by the end of it, he felt a little better.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Roman asked as the credits played.

“There’s not much to say,” Patton’s voice was barely above a whisper, “They kicked me out. My dad told me I’m not his son and my mom told me otherwise while also implying that God’s love for me was conditional.” Patton knew he wasn’t going to cry again, he’d already let it all out, but his voice was weak when he spoke and he sounded near tears.

“Well she’s just not right.” Roman said. Patton tilted his head. Roman brushed Patton’s hair out of his face and kept his hand rested on his cheek as he talked, “From what I know of God he will love you no matter what. That’s what’s so special about God, he holds unconditional love for his children.” Patton knew Roman wasn’t good with religion, it hadn’t been a part of his life for many years. But he was right and deep down Patton knew he was.

“Patton,” Roman spoke again, “I love you no matter what, and I know it’s different because I’m your friend, but you mean the world to me. Your parents are assholes for doing this to you. Allow yourself to be angry and upset. You don’t have to pretend to be happy.” Roman held Patton’s head to his chest and tangled his hand into his hair.

“You know me well.” Patton weakly responded.

“And knowing you has been one of the best things to happen to me.” Roman said and placed his head on top of Patton’s. Voices from the TV could be heard coming from Remus’s room next door, and if Patton listened closely he could hear Roman’s mom getting ready for her night shift. It was another average day in the house, it was all so familiar.

“I think I may be home.” Patton whispered, as if saying it too loud would make it not true.

“I think you may be, too.” Roman said.

That night, Patton slept in Roman’s bed. It felt more like a sleepover that way. Patton knew things would take getting used to, but he knew he’d be able to adjust. Roman had always been a home and Patton took residence the moment they met eyes at the age of 5 years old. Guardian angel, fate, destiny, Roman, home; it was all the same to Patton. And maybe Patton couldn’t talk to God, maybe he would only be left with unanswered questions, but being held in Roman’s arms felt an awful lot like God was talking to him in that moment.

“It's okay.” He seemed to say and who was Patton to argue with God.

#sanders sides #patton sanders #roman sanders #sanders sides fanfiction #patton angst #my hs au #yes the first thing i wrote for this au was angst #and what about it #talk of religion #being gay and religious isnt a fun experience #wrote this while coming down from being hgh #so the language is very flowery #also this made me want to write royality #they really are just best friends in this au #but man....#and to people who may say this sounds like more than friendship #it really isnt this is how me and my friends are #my friend called me home the other day and i almost cried

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sazzafraz · 3 years ago

Text

my pants no longer have coffee on them

nodus tollens!

Over time Sasuke learnt to tell by the smell. Ore meant a blood mutation. Licorice meant bone. Sweet ammonia meant parasites growing fat inside their hosts.

sasuke’s memories of orochimaru are very sensory. i wrote him as a sensory person. i think the whole uchiha ‘hearts too strong to break easy, and that’s a warning’ thing would make them worse at managing their basic five experiences.

Fuyuki shakes her head like a parent would, like Sasuke’s disgust is childish. “It’s an opportunity,” she says neutrally, ��we have to make the most of them.” We don’t have the same means and opportunities as others, the silence says, we have to build from ruins and carnage. This is the right reason, boy. Even when it disgusts you. As if that makes doing something they’d kill someone else for doing right. Sasuke looks, and thinks, and looks again, and although he can understand it he can’t justify it.

oh man. at this point fuyuki pretty much knows she’s lost him. she is in fact saying shit to make him leave so she doesn’t have to make him while trying to jam common sense into his brain one last time. who knows if it takes.

“What?” He feels it. Warm, wary, growing distant. Before Yumi was ’kunoichi, dangerous, fun loving’ she now has a little box in his internal checklist that says ‘caution: complicit and unrepentant’.

yeah. this is the thought. oof. dude just wants to trust his friends.

She pats him lightly on the cheek, stepping back to give him some space. “You have my full and free permission to leave at any time. No member of Giri is forced to hold to an allegiance they feel no longer reflects their ideals.” With a wry smile she shakes her head reaching down to pull something from her pouch. “You always had an out.”

He watches her hand. “What’s that?”

“For services rendered.” With a deliberate showiness she flips the object in her hand -a scroll- and holds it out to him. He blinks at her, taking the scroll from her outstretched hand. It’s thin and blue tipped, the personal seal of the Godaime Hokage glows in the night. The future in his hand.

AGAIN. SHE ALWAYS WANTED YOU TO LEAVE. THE POINT IS THAT YOU CAN LEAVE THE CYCLE nvrmind he’s not gonna get it for another 60,000 words.

Sasuke says nothing. The pardon is cold in his hands, shame rolling through his gut. Truth be told he never actually thought he’d get it. Truth be told he’d forgotten about it. There’s never an out, there’s never something given without something taken away. She was honest. She did say what she was going to do. She never offered a single promise. Betrayal is a reflexive emotion for him, though, and he still feels it like a punch. Leaving is a choice. One he has made more often than any other. Being let go of is something he isn’t used to.

woof. a long 60,000 words. still love that last line. fucks most verily.

Giri have flying ships.

never used this. very mad about it.

If extremely pressed Sasuke will admit that he picked Team Hebi based on a wild mix of comfort, usefulness and poorly placed boundaries. Orochimaru collected a bunch of weird traits and weirder expressions of trauma in the kids he lured to Oto; Suigetsu, Karin and Juugo are some of the best examples. Perfectly capable of respecting his needs and following his orders, completely incapable of acting like competent human beings the rest of the time.

oh thank god they’re weird. sasuke actually needs at least three to nine people around him at all times and has never not once thought about how developing his chakra sense in a compound full of other people might effect this. not even once.

Sasuke rolls his eyes, crosses his arms and clearly announces, “We won’t work together again after this.”

Karin and Suigetsu stop squabbling to turn to look at him.

Sasuke shrugs, “I’m going back to Konoha, Suigetsu is going to Kiri, Juugo will stay with Giri and Karin will go to Uzu.”

Karin sniffs delicately. “Back to Konoha?”

karin begins to plan konoha’s downfall. i envision karin as someone with a rather unique personal perspective. she is sasuke focused but its because she literally just thinks differently. i had a little bit for her that was about how uzumaki seals are literally a kind of meta-magic and thats why mito changed the game so much. to be able to use them effectively you have to be able to look at the world strangely. anyway. konoha will never recover from this.

In Oto there were war orphans, normal orphans, freed slaves, second or third generation missing-nin, the odds and ends of clans that had died off, those who had seen their entire families exterminated and those who did the exterminating. In Oto there was no safe dinner conversation.

Except, of course, for the food.

fucks. it fucks.

Juugo chuckles and waves him off. Sasuke is dead certain they’ll meet again. Maybe he’ll find them himself in a few years. He takes one last look behind him, sharingan on, and then leaves quickly and quietly. It’s not a bad snapshot to have. Karin has resorted to using her chains to manage Suigetsu, who is either helping the fire or taking the longest possible route to putting it out, Juugo is calling the small woodland animals and pets out of their homes. There’s an enterprising rabbit on his head. Suigetsu has one sword and Karin has the other. They’re all smiling.

favourite bit of favourite chapter. does not fuck. does gently cuddle and give glowing aftercare.

Walking is in itself a refreshing experience. For the first time in his life there’s nothing to rush to. It’s a free sky: so high, so blue. So filled with things that he’s never seen before. He flicks his sharingan on and off. At sunset the sky fills with the lush pink and orange of change. At night the stars are so bright it feels like he’s counting the freckles on some great dragon’s back. At dawn he lies in the grass and lets the light wake him. He takes a long path winding his way down and around to his birthplace. He has one goal left, one last thing to do before it’s all done and he never thought he’d get this far. There is so little between him and the freedom to finally, finally put this all to rest.

So for the first time he lets himself linger.

The stars lead him into the mouth of a valley, green and bright with flowers. He doesn’t put people to places very often. People are memories. He sees them clearly enough. But he’ll cast a look onto the calm water and think Juugo, onto the high point of a knife and think Yumi, onto the twisting branches of an out of place blooming flower and think Sakura. In darker moments he names the other things. A tree changing out of season, riddled with the beautiful but deadly rings of a strangling vine earns Orochimaru. Just as a black expanse that appears in the middle of night is called father. Just as the ephemeral falling of flowers, the scent, is mother.

The clear sky is called Naruto. The fading mist of dawn is called Brother.

sometimes you’ve just gotta let the prose happen. and then make it sad at the end. i wrote paragraphs about naruto and itachi here and deleted it because haha sasuke WILL NOT THINK ABOUT IT like hes not really thinking about his suicidal ideation. i did recieve more than one comment that was like ‘......wait he wants to kill himself?’ haha! yeah! body made for one thing! he has yet to decide a man is allowed to have multiple life purposes.

“Please,” the woman begs, “please, my child. Take her. Please.”

this is not JUST about how much sasuke would like to save children its just MOSTLY about sasuke being the only one around to do it, and hinata. eventually.

“Sasuke.” Kakashi says.

“Sensei.” Sasuke says automatically. “Hatake. Hatake Kak-”

kakashi, heart in his throat, thinking today is the day he has to kill his sort of son and lose the rest in the grieving: sasuke

sasuke, holding a baby: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Sasuke scowls and shakes his head, looking down at the bundle in his arms. “This is a goddamn baby Hatake.” Then, softer, “It’s a baby. I have to take it somewhere safe.”

kakashi, soothed by the pardon, worried about all of that: sasuke

sasuke, holding a baby he is EMOTIONAL about: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Fuyuki is still radiating smugness as she lets them out. She plucks the baby from his arms, tucking it into hers. Sasuke almost groans, Kakashi is approaching a sulk at break neck speed. As he crosses the threshold of her home Fuyuki grabs him by the end of his hair and yanks, “Oh, Uchiha?”

Sasuke scowls as he pulls out of her hold. “Fucking what Hashira?”

She smiles, baby stuffing the length of her hair in it’s mouth. Sasuke looks at them both and feels an odd sense of accomplishment. Fuyuki mimes a scissoring action. “Cut your hair.”

i’m not going to do the first chapter but this. absolutely. slams. sasuke’s hair is so important but the hair thing was a specific thing about honor and service. about the redemption that a lot of missing nin feel in giri, the longer their hair the more they’ve done to repent. even if sasuke never quite gets it he actually doesn’t cut his hair until after this.and its not by much.

#the author is present #ntfs

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severetimetravelnerd · 4 years ago

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Hatred and Love (ft. G Dragon) Mafia AU

Part 7

Your blissful moments don’t last long.

(I don’t own any of the images used. All credit goes to the original owners.)

Taglist:

@unabashedturkeytreeslime

@happiestgirlontheeastcoast

@kwonnansi

@aarfyie

@suhappysuho

If there is anyone else who would like to be tagged, you can comment or leave me a message :))

I only write on this blog on tumblr, so if you see my work on any other platform, please let me know immediately.

Okay, so this is a mafia AU. It has appearances from Daesung, Taeyang, TOP, Mino, Hanbin and EXO (mostly Kai). This continues with the EXO storyline, but again, I have nothing against EXO :)) I love them, but I had to use someone for the plot

Warnings: Violence, Death(not main character), Injury, Blood, Eventual smut, Abduction, Guns and Knives, language, emotional breakdown. Lots of mentions of guns and knives and different ways to attack in this one.

————————————————————————–

You woke up the next morning, stretching as you turned to the smile, immediately smiling when you saw Jiyong cuddled close to you. He looked so peaceful when he slept. No harshness as a mafia boss, no coldness, no anger. In that moment, there was nothing dangerous about him. You could only remember how gentle he was with your aftercare from the previous night. You sat up a little, taking the opportunity to study his face when it was peaceful. You traced the outline of his jaw with your little finger and then you moved on the tiny mole he had near his right eye. You smiled when you gently touched it. You gently traced your finger over his lips, thinking about his beautiful smile. Your fingers made their way to the tattoo, tracing around the wings. You had just moved on to his numerous ear piercings when he gently caught your hand and kissed it.

“Good morning love.”

God, you loved that raspy morning voice of his. And you loved that you were the only one who got to hear him like that. You smiled back at him.

“Good morning Jiyong.”

He smiled at you sleepily, and he pulled you into his arms, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face in your hair. You smiled against his chest.

“Don’t you have work Jiyong?”

“Not until this evening.”

Your smile widened, happy at the time you would get with him. He pulled away a little, pausing to kiss your forehead.

“That’s better. I can see your face now.”

He gently moved the hair from your face. You had a blush on your face when you said,

“So, last night was…”

Jiyong grinned when he saw the blush. Smirking, he prompted you.

“Last night was what Y/N?”

You turned even redder, but persevered anyway.

“Last night was wonderful. It wasn’t like anything that I’ve done before.”

Jiyong’s smirk melted into an adorably shy smile.

“Me too. I don’t usually let people into my room, and it was more intimate than anything I’ve done before.”

You leaned forward and kissed his nose, smiling at the way his nose scrunched up. Looking a little nervous, Jiyong continued.

“Baby, you’re not afraid of me anymore, are you?”

You paused and held his face.

“Ji, I’m not going to lie to you, because you’re someone important to me, okay?”

He nodded.

“Ji, you abducted me. Of course I was scared at first. You ordered Daesung to beat me up and torture me.”

He winced a little at your words.

“But then, you changed. You started helping me out a little, and you started to care, in your own small ways. That gave me hope, because I’ve always liked and admired you. I started to care about you too. But then, just as we were getting closer, and I was starting to trust you because you said you’d keep me safe, you shot me in the arm. Luckily, it wasn’t fatal and it healed pretty quickly, but more than the pain of the wound, it was your face when you shot me that scared me. Jiyong, you had no care in your eyes. It made me think that maybe he never cared. Maybe it was all a clever ploy. Maybe he was just looking for a quick fuck.”

He flinched when you said that.

“It scared me that you could just shoot me like that. But after I got injured, you were there. You think I didn’t know that you were waiting behind that door in case I needed any help? I knew that you were always there, and I saw your eyes when I flinched away from you. Those aren’t the eyes of someone who doesn’t care. But you are still a ruthless mafia boss who I’ve seen kill so many times. So, yeah Jiyong, I am a little scared of you, but only when we’re not alone. If it’s just us, then I’m not scared of you.”

He smiled. It was a small smile, still a little sad about you being afraid of him.

“Okay sweetheart. I’m glad you were honest with me, but I’m not going to lie. The fact that you’re still scared of me hurts, but I promise that I will change that. I will never be the ruthless mafia boss around you.”

He took your hand and kissed it, pulling you a little closer. The two of you just stayed like that for a while, happily snuggled against each other.

“Jiyong?”

“Yes, my love?”

You were still mumbling into his chest.

“What happened with EXO?”

He sat up and sighed, playing with your hair as you snuggled up to him.

“Well, sweetheart, we’re in a sort of cold war, waiting for someone to make a move first.”

His grip around you tightened a little.

“They’ve vowed to take you back. And we vowed not to let them.”

You had no idea what to say to that. You just responded with a small,

“Oh.”

He absentmindedly nodded, playing with your hair, distracted, thinking back to the meeting and Jongin’s smug face when he said he’d take you back. God, he wanted to slam his face into the table then. But all his violent thoughts were chased away when he felt you tracing his name on his chest. He had never felt so much warmth and love for anyone before you. He leaned down and pulled you into a kiss, soft and gentle, savouring the moment. You also closed your eyes and enjoyed it, loving every second. You opened your eyes after, beaming up at him when he kissed your forehead and said,

“Hey, so we have some work and I want to spend some time with you. Do you want to make it a date?”

You just nodded, your grin growing wider.

One hour later, you were at a gun range. You looked around, and incredulously, you asked,

“Seriously? This is where you brought me on a date?”

He grinned rather sheepishly.

“I know this isn’t the ideal date, but you need to learn how to use a gun. You’ll need it now.”

You shook your head, unable to help the small smile that came onto your face, thinking about how this was so intrinsically like Jiyong. The two of you out on the protective gear and then, Jiyong got serious. He moved closer to you and said,

“Okay Y/N, this gun is a Glock 17. And this is how you hold it.”

He let you stand, gently moving behind you and correcting your posture.

“Move your arm a little higher Y/N. Yeah, that’s it.”

He then moved over to his space.

“Watch me carefully, okay?”

And he stood back, aimed and shot. It was a perfect shot, hitting its target on the first try. You could see how hard he was concentrating when he shot. You gulped and you too got ready to aim.

“Don’t be afraid of the recoil baby, and be prepared for the noise.”

You braced yourself and shot. No warning was enough for how scary it was to shoot a gun. Your entire arms pulled back, and the sound made you jump. You shot had landed a little away from the target, but it wasn’t too far away. Jiyong smiled.

“Good job. That was pretty good for a first try.”

You gave him a small smile.

“We’re going to be here until I manage to hit the bullseye, aren’t we?”

Without batting an eyelid, he said,

“Of course we are. And when we get back, I’m going to teach you how to use a knife.”

He kept his word. The first thing he did when you got back was lay out a tray of knives in front of you and let you pick one. You looked at him like he was insane.

“Isn’t a gun enough Ji?”

He shook his head.

“No, love. See, you can’t really hide a gun very well. There’s only so much you can do there. But with a knife, there are plenty of places you can hide it. I usually strap it to my thigh, but you can also strap it around your waist or under your sleeve if that makes you feel better. But you should know, your thighs are the best place to hide a knife. No one is going to be able to feel it there. And also, you like knives better.”

You just glared at him.

“Jiyong…”

He smiled and slowly took your hand.

“I know this sucks, my love, but you need to know this. You need to be able to defend yourself.”

Pulling you closer because of your disgruntled expression, he said,

“See, each knife is different. Each knife is beautiful. Look at them. So sleek, so sharp, so deadly, so elegant. It’s really beautiful to look at them. Everyone will have a different level of comfort with them. I prefer heavier knives, but I know Hanbin only carries around a small, sharp one. It’s better for a surprise. It all depends on what you find fits best. Just give it a try.”

And he took your hand and placed it on one of the knives in the tray. You let his hands guide yours over the blades, stopping to feel them. He kept staring at your face, trying to gauge your reactions to the knives, but you didn’t particularly like any of them. That is, until you felt the last knife. It was the prettiest of them all. Sleek, small, dangerous. It was a 7-inch-long blade, with a curved edge, black wooden handle and a beautiful leather sheath. It felt right. It wasn’t too heavy and neither was it too light. It fit your hand perfectly, and you were comfortable with it. You slowly picked it up and twirled it around, fascinated by the way the light bounced off it. Jiyong let out a low whistle.

“You have a good eye for knives, love. It’s the perfect size for your build and it’s the most dangerous out of the ones here.”

He took it out of your hand, and said,

“See, using this knife in pretty much any way will cause damage, but if you need to fatally injure someone,”

He reached out and drew a horizontal line in the air with it.

“Do that to someone across their stomach. There is no way they’ll be able to survive with that.”

You just stared at him in a mixture of horror and fascination, scared by how casually he was talking about it, but fascinated by the way the knife did that.

“If you stab into their spinal cord, it’ll damage the nerves and most likely, they’ll experience some sort of paralysis. If you just want to injure enough to escape, try the thigh.”

He held your hand over the knife and slowly showed you how to do the different manoeuvres. He left you to practice those and came back with a knife holder for your thigh and a gun holder.

“I’m going to leave this here. Take these with you whenever you go out of this room.”

He leaned down to kiss your forehead.

“I have to go do some work now. Stay here love. Hanbin will come with your stuff to keep you company in a bit.”

You pouted a little, but you let him go. You needed to get the complete picture of what was happening and you knew Jiyong wouldn’t tell you. You knew that the fight had stopped being about you and had become more about the gangs.

Hanbin came in a little while later, lugging two gigantic suitcases with him.

“Here you go. I don’t know why you have so many things, but anyway, I got as many of them as I could.”

You jumped up and hugged him. You hadn’t seen him in a while. He grinned as he hugged you back.

“You missed me?”

“Yes, yes I did.”

You stepped back and looked at him, anxiously searching him for any signs of injury.

“You’re okay right? I heard you met with Jongin.”

He sighed.

“Y/N, why is he so hell bent on taking you back?”

“What do you mean?”

“Right now, EXO is on a mission to get you to their headquarters. Jongin genuinely wants you there, and some of the others also want you there as Jongin’s supposed girlfriend, but the others just want you there to prove a point, because they know that you’re with hyung now.”

You felt a little guilty. All of this was happening because of you. Hesitating a little, you asked,

“Hanbin, what have both the gangs done so far?”

He tilted his head, thinking.

“Well, I’m not too involved in that aspect of things, but I know we’ve drastically increased our presence in our areas, and so have they. Daesung hyung, Mino hyung and Youngbae hyung are super busy with that.”

You were scared to hear the answer for your next question, but you knew you had to know.

“Hanbin, has anyone died because of this?”

His eyes softened. He ruffled your hair.

“Listen to me Y/N. Yes, around 5 people have died on both sides, but you have to believe me when I say that it isn’t your fault. I know you. I know you’re blaming yourself. But listen. We’re the ones who abducted you. None of this would have happened if we hadn’t. Also, you met hyung. That’s a good thing. EXO is just using you as an excuse to make this a big deal. It’s not your fault. And you can go back to your normal life after all of this is over. You may have to carry around weapons and you may have one of us tailing you, but it will end. And I know hyung will win this one too. He always has.”

You blinked away a few tears and squeezed Hanbin’s hand.

“Now come on Y/N. I discovered a new Netflix series that you will love. And we need to watch it together!”

You let him drag you over to the tv, grateful you had a friend like him.

A month later, and things were just as bad between the two gangs. You practiced with your gun and your knife daily, and you had gotten quite good at it, but you never got to show Jiyong. Only Hanbin knew, because Hanbin was the only person you saw often. You barely got any time with Jiyong. Every few days, you would wake up in the middle of the night and see him fast asleep beside you, but he was always gone before you woke up. He was just too busy making sure things were going according to plan. You were lonely and you missed him, but you never complained, knowing he had to do his work first. There were lives at stake. One night, you were sitting alone in the room, eating dinner as usual, when Jiyong walked in. It was the first time in the past month that you had seen him awake. He looked exhausted and could barely keep his eyes open, but he smiled at you. He sat down on the bed and opened his arms wide. You slowly slid into them, enjoying the warmth and familiarity of his arms. You really had missed that. He nuzzled his head into your neck.

“I missed you, my love.”

You kissed the top of his head.

“So did I, Jiyong.”

He looked up and smiled.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been spending much time with you. Things have just been so busy.”

You cut him off by planting a soft kiss on his lips.

“I know Ji. Don’t worry about it.”

He stroked your hair in awe and said,

“God, what have I done to deserve you?”

You didn’t respond, just kissing him again. He pulled you down, into bed. He pulled you close and shut his eyes.

“Let’s just be like this for a while.”

You hummed your approval against his chest, already snuggling up to him. The two of you had just been lying down on the bed, gently nuzzling into each other, or stroking each other’s hair, when Youngbae burst into the room. Both of you lumped up. Jiyong looked very annoyed.

“Youngbae, I’ve told you a 1000 times not to enter my room without my permission.”

Youngbae didn’t even bother answering that. He looked at Jiyong, and then at you, panicky. Jiyong didn’t notice his expression, but you did. Your heart sank. You knew something had gone seriously wrong.

“Jiyong, EXO… they-they’ve gotten Hanbin.”

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yoongihoseok97 · 5 years ago

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Cookies and kisses💋Pt3

BTS Jungkook

Summary- Jeon Jungkook is a broke college student who’s just trying to get his degree and find his place in the world but things aren’t always that easy. Especially when you’re only 21 years old and have a 4 year old daughter.

Warnings- Mentions of underage sex, brief mentions of past drug & alchol abuse. Mentions of past depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Quite a bit of swearing but nothing too harsh, don’t read if you’re sensitive to anything mentioned above.

Word count-2.7k

“Eunha baby please for the love of god can you just listen to me for once!” Jungkook cried out to his daughter who giggled loudly and ran away from her fathers grasp. He had been trying to get Eunha to have a bath for the past 10 minutes but the young girl was determined to get her own way. A quality she 100% got from her father.

“But daddy I had a shower the other day! I don’t need another one.” She exclaimed slightly out of breath from running up the stairs, her half naked frame was covered in a mixture of dried paint and dirt that she managed to pick up from nursery. Jungkook eventually managed to scoop her into his arms before she ran away again and locked herself in her room. A trouble he has had to face a few times when it came to bath time and he is only realising now that it would be easier to remove the lock. Luckily non of the boys were in to witness the young fathers struggle due to a ‘welcome back’ party half the campus was going to. Jungkook of course wanted to go and see everyone again after the summer break but the thought quickly disappeared when he realised he wasn’t a teenager anymore, he was a father and his daughter was his top priority, not some stupid house party that’ll probably be shut down by the police within the first few hours.

She squealed in delight when Jungkook playfully tickled her belly, an action that he knew would help win her over from past experiences. “Daddy has to shower everyday, some days when he’s really stinky he has two so you don’t get to complain misses.” He sat her down on the closed toilet seat and added the finishing touches to the bath, bubbles. Eunha hated baths more then anything but she wouldn’t even go near one of it didnt have bubbles in and so he makes sure to stock up on ‘unicorn mist bubble bath!’ Every week. After making sure that the water was just right he turned to his daughter and smiled “Bath time.”

It didn’t take long for Eunha to grow bored of the bath so Jungkook quickly dried her off, put her pyjamas on and ordered some food for them both whilst they relaxed in his bed. His long fingers made their way through her thick brown hair as she laid against her fathers chest. Jungkook couldn’t help but be reminded of the times when Eunha was first born and her mother was still around, cuddling into his side whist Eunha laid in his arms. Back to a time when Jungkook was vulnerable and believed her when she swore she’d never leave him. For a long while after she had left he wanted nothing more then to go back in time and and be with her where he felt loved and cared for. Now however he despised those memories. He wanted nothing more than for the images of her to be out of his head so he could finally move on. Eunha taught him what love is and he had finally learnt what she gave him was not it.

The father shook the thoughts out of his head and focused on the girl in front of him. Her glowing eyes were engaged with the tv. They were watching Beauty and The Beast, Eunhas favourite film. Even as a new born when Jungkook was 17 and had no fucking clue on how to take care of a child she always seemed to calm down and relax when it came on. Now himself and Eunha has watched it so many times together that they knew every word to every song and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t know the script inside out also. Even so Jungkook didn’t mind watching the film, deciding it was one of the better disney movies that actually taught kids the lesson of not to judge a book by its cover and that love comes in all different shapes a sizes.

Eunha lifted her head suddenly from her dads side and shifted to look around the bed, her tiny hands patted down onto the mattress clearly searching something. “What are you looking for baby?” He asksd curiously sitting up so he was beside her again. “Your phone daddy I want to know the time.” He chuckled and leaned across her small frame to grab his mobile from the bedside table.

“Why didn’t you just ask? And it’s 9:45 why do you want to know?” He picked her up and placed her on his lap so that she was facing him. She smiled brightly “Well earlier you told me to remind you about getting your clothes from the laundry place but I forgot so I’m telling you now.” Jungkook burrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he wondered what she was talking about before it dawned on him. He gasped and mumbled a small curse word under his breath and prayed that she didn’t hear him before removing her from his lap and began getting changed back into the clothes he was wearing before.

“God I completely forgot! I need those clothes for tomorrow so we’re gonna have to get them now sorry baby.” He apologized and kissed her forehead before taking her into her own room and grabbed a light jacket from the back of her wardrobe. It was a nice summer evening so she probably didn’t need it but her pyjama shorts and tank top were too little to be wearing outside at this time. The father sighed as he paced around the house, picking up his keys and turning off the television whilst Eunha waited patiently by the door.

“Are we going in the car daddy?” She asked as Jungkook picked her up and walked out of the shared apartment.

“No baby the place is only a couple minutes away so we’re gonna walk.” They strolled hand in hand down the street as the sun set in the distance. The warm evening breeze struck them with a pleasant burst over their bodies, a reminder of the summer that had just arrived in Seoul after a year of bitter coldness. The laundry shop wasn’t far from the house, just through the park and down the street so Jungkook didn’t have to worry about rushing to get there as it was a 24 hour service. Something the father was thankful for.

Despite the time there was still quite a few people sitting around, students having a beer before the sun went down and older people walking their dogs which Eunha was intraced by. She looked up towards her father and pointed out a particular dog that she always seemed to fondle over than any other. It was a golden retriever puppy that made the young girl giggle as he raced up to her and buried his face in her shoulder. “Look daddy!” She screamed in excitement and pet his golden fur whilst Jungkook laughed at the cute sight in front of him. He had always wanted to get a dog. A big silver husky that could help keep the house in check. The thought sounded stupid to some people but Jungkook weirdly felt like getting the dog was perfect to help keep Eunha safe but after discussing the plan with the rest of his housemates his idea was quickly shut down by Jin when he mentioned the price of such a dog.

The father snapped a quick photo of the pair and kneeled down to join his daughter with patting the overly energetic pet. “When can we get a dog daddy?” She said with a voice full of hope as she looked over at Jungkook, a wide smile wedged on her face. He chuckled and stood up, brushing himself off before holding his hand out to help his daughter up off of the floor. “Soon Eunnie, soon.” The young girl turned around once again and waved goodbye to the small dog. Her knees were muddy from the grass but she didn’t seem to mind as she skipped through the park, forcing her dad jog a bit to catch up with her.

“This needs to be done by 4:30 tomorrow latest, washed and dried. I have a very important party to go to.” The middle aged women smirked as she pulled a $50 out of her over priced Louis Vuitton purse and handed it to you from the other side of the counter. “And keep the change, you clearly need it.” The obvious fake smile on your face widened as you snatched the cash out of her perfectly manicured hand. “Of course ma’am I’ll see you tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your day.” The smile stayed glued to your face until she was out of sight of the building. The last thing you needed was for her to catch you flipping her off and get you fired.

You inhaled deeply for a moment and regained your composure before putting the money into the till and taking out the tip in change. After months of searching you finally found a job that fit perfectly with your schedule and whilst working at a laundromat was not the most ideal job, it paid well and the amount of tips you got was surprising.

“God she’s a right bitch. Her names Karen Kennedy and she’s a regular, I don’t think she even owns a washing machine.” Your co worker said as she carried a large bag of clean laundry to the desk behind you. You chuckled quietly and shook your head. You’d only been working there a few weeks and you’ve already dealt with too many rich white people bossing you around and quite frankly, you were sick of it.

“Yeah well she tips good so I’m not saying anything.” You joked and turned to face the petite girl. Your co worker Mia was another reason as to why you hadn’t quit the job yet, she was slightly older then you and she was the type of girl that was pretty enough to be on a magazine cover so you had no idea why she was stuck working at a 24 hour laundromat. The two of you quickly clicked after working a 13 hour shift together and discovered that you both had a weird obsession with ‘NSYNC’. After that your friendship bloomed into snarky comments and late night trips to 7/11 after your shift.

“Anyway how’s rehearsals going?” Mia asked as she sat herself down in the space next to you, sorting through a bag of laundry that was dropped off earlier on in the day. You sighed “not the best, out choreographer broke his leg the other day so he can’t help anymore so we have to hold auditions for a new one”

“Shit that sucks, has Richards asked you too help?”

“Unfortunately, I mean it’s not like I mind helping her she’s done a lot for me it’s just I have no time at the minute”

“Oh well, why don’t you-” Mia was cut off by the sound of the bell Indicating a new customer has entered. Your eyes widened when you saw the beautiful man from the park with his daughter standing in front of you, smiles across on their faces. “Hello I’m Jungkook, I’ve come to pick up my dry cleaning.” He said as he picked up the little girl from beside him.

“Okay sir I’ll go grab them from the back, feel free to take a seat.” Mia said as she smiled at the two before raising her eyebrows at you and disappearing into the back.

He smiled at you before taking the young girl to go and sit down in the chairs closest to the counter. You looked away and pretended that you were busy so you didn’t embarrass yourself and do something stupid. You could hear the two talking quietly between themselves and you smiled as the giggles left the little girls mouth. It was just the two of them yet again, making you further wonder about the young girls mother. You turned your head away before he could catch you staring and pretended you were busy writing things down, his deep brown eyes and cute smile engraved in your mind. He was truly beautiful and the way he acted with his daughter was completely adorable, you wanted nothing more than to have the confidence to talk to him. Boys never usually made you feel like this. Why was he so different?

You were snapped out of your thoughts by Jungkooks voice “Eunha! Stop that please you’re gonna hurt yourself.” You turned to look at the two and found yourself amused when you saw the young girl twirling to the music that was playing through the building. You giggled at the sight, finding her dancing cute. He placed her on his hip and turned to look at you, a sheepish smile on his face when he heard your laughter. His tattoos were on full disply as he was wearing a short sleeved shirt and you admired the way the designs wrapped around his muscular arms.

“Sorry love, she gets excited when she hears this song it’s her favourite.” His deep voice sent shivers down your spine, a small blush covered your cheeks at the nickname he gave you. You smiled widely “Don’t worry about it, I loved it! You have some good moves.” You smiled at the brown haired girl as her eyes sparkled with delight. “I love dancing.” She stated proudly grinning widely.

“Love is an understatement, she dances all day and if she could she’d do it all night.” You laughed at the statement happy he was speaking to you. “I want to be just like daddy! He’s good at dancing too.” Excitement laced in her words as you raised your eyebrows in surprise. He was a dancer, no wonder why he was so buff, your mind filled with thoughts of how good he’d look all sweaty and panting for breath. Your cheeks flushed at the thought, Jesus this man was something else. “You’re a dancer? That’s so cool, I’m terrible at dancing it’s like I have two left feet.” You joked.

He laughed at your comment and the young girl giggled into her fathers neck. “I might have to teach you some time then.” He smiled as another blush spread across your cheeks. “Maybe” you said as Mia came out with his dry cleaning, a wide smile on her face as she handed Jungkook the bag.

“That’ll be 18.95 please sir.”

He nodded as set his daughter on the ground next to him, pulling out his wallet to give Mia 20 dollars. “You can keep the change, thanks a lot.” Jungkook smiled at Mia before turning to me, “I’ll see you around.” Giving me one last smile before mumbling a small ‘come on baby’ as the two walked out the shop. The young girl turned around and gave me a quick wave bye which I grinned at and returned.

Mia turned to me with a wide smirk wedge on her face, “He was so cute! He was so flirting with you!” She exclaimed clapping excitedly.

You turned to look at her after watching the pair walk down the street, “he was cute but he was not flirting with me, he was a daughter! Meaning he probably has a girlfriend.” You stated giving her a sad look before sitting down on the chair behind the counter. The thought of him going home to another women made you weirdly uncomfortable even though You had just met him.

“You don’t know that y/n, he could be a hot single father for all you know” she replied looking at me with another smile.

“Oh well, I doubt I’ll see him again.” You shrugged like you didn’t care when deep down you knew You were disappointed. He seemed like such a nice guy and for some weird reason he made your heart flutter whenever he spoke. You really wanted to see him again and talk more but you knew it was very unlikely.

She rolled her eyes at your words and got back to her work “whatever you say hun.”

Author’s note!- Hi everyone! It’s been awhile since I last updated this fanfic & it’s been awhile since we’ve been active on this account but we’ve just been so busy and we didn’t have time to update. I’m not gonna make any promises as to when chapter 4 is coming out because I have no idea but it won’t be as long a wait as this one was. Again I’m sorry it took so long but I hope you all enjoy!- love anon hobi Xxx

#bts #bts reactions #bts scenarios #kpop #kpop scenarios #btsau #bangtan #jeon jungkook #bts jung hoseok #jhope #jungkook scenarios #bts fanfic #bts seokjin #bts taehyung #bts imagines #jungkook

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dreamcatcherfication · 5 years ago

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If I Say I’m Fine Enough Then I’ll Believe It

@nightingale6374 I’m back on my bullshit. (Okay but I named this fic a while ago, so does it really count???)

Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Anne angst. You guys really love Anne angst, I’m starting to learn. This was a mix of two prompts that just went too well together for me to resist. You can check them both out here, but the basic summary was that Anne has a heart attack onstage and the queens and audience witness it. I did a little research on heart attacks, but I can’t promise this is completely accurate. Regardless, I hope you enjoy this one shot! Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors, there are a thousand pigeons attacking me right now.

Writing Masterpost

If you want to send a request or a prompt, my inbox is always open! I publish a story at 8:00 AM PST everyday, so I’m always in need of new ideas. If you want to be tagged in my works, just let me know and I’ll be sure to tag you!

Prompts | More Prompts | The Trifecta of Prompts | Original Prompts

Trigger Warnings: Heart attacks, general anxiety, mentions of beheading

Anne was fine.

Perfectly, A-okay, stable, and healthy. Fine.

The tightness in her chest wasn’t enough to stop her from performing, Anne kept assuring herself. All day Anne had been off, her chest feeling like something was crushing down on it, making it almost impossible to breathe. But she was on for the show tonight, and Anne refused to be stopped by some chest ache that probably meant nothing.

Joining the other queens for places, Anne adjusted her in-ear and stood in her position. Soon enough the ladies would start playing Greensleeves and she would put on her show persona. Jane shot her a glance and smiled. “You ready?” she gently asked.

Shrugging, Anne showed her teeth in a semblance of a grin. “Yup, never better.” If Jane noticed Anne’s strange behavior, she didn’t comment.

Anxiously tapping her foot, Anne watched the ladies in waiting, begging for them to start the intro. Sure enough, the opening notes played and Anne sighed with relief. The tightness seemed to be fading as her body numbed slightly. She could make it through the show like this. It was only just over an hour, Anne could make it.

Entering the stage, Anne put up her mask. Her back was to the audience, thankfully, or they might have seen the grey ashiness that was taking over her face. Listening to the music start up was almost surreal for Anne. It felt like a faded melody in the back of her mind, and her body was only going through the motions of performing. She couldn’t even believe her body was keeping up with all the other queens as they moved around at what looked like the speed of light.

Her lines must have been lackluster, because the other queens started shooting her strange looks as they introduced the ladies. The audience wouldn’t be able to see it, but there was concern in Kat and Aragon’s eyes as they noticed the way Anne’s words seemed forced out. Cathy and Anna shared a look across the stage, but they kept silent. Jane furrowed her eyebrows at Joan, but the pianist could only mouth I don’t know lest Anne hear her through the in-ears.

No Way seemed to pass quickly, the dance moving by in a blur for Anne. She was starting to grow nauseous, the tightness of her chest spreading to her limbs and her jaw. It would be incredibly hard to sing, she noted, but still pressed on. Her whole little intro went off without a hitch, Anne throwing in an extra high giggle in order to convince the audience that she was better than ever. Standing up, Anne stumbled on her feet but quickly recovered.

Singing the opening lyrics to her song, Anne went over the top, probably appearing like an overexcited teenage girl to the audience. But Anne knew if she let even a little bit of her facade slip, she would go tumbling down.

Making her way over to the side of the stage, Anne turned to look at her fellow queens. She almost cut off her song in the middle of the second verse when she saw their concerned faces. Why were they looking at her like that? Was something wrong? Ignoring it, Anne moved to center stage, her body slow and barely keeping up with the tempo. Her voice was cracking between syllables, and clearly people were starting to notice. “Anne?” she heard Joan in her ear.

“Sorry not sorry -” Anne managed to get out before her body seized up and she collapsed, limp on the floor.

Immediately, Kat shrieked, dropping her character and rushing to her cousin’s side. The audience had gone completely silent, unsure of what was happening. Microphone discarded, Kat started to shake Anne. “Anne? Annie? What happened? Why aren’t you saying anything?” The poor girl was terrified, watching her cousin’s blank, empty face.

For a moment, there was stillness throughout the entire theatre as Kat leaned over her unconscious cousin, eyes filled with tears. Then everyone sprung into action, all reacting at once. The four other queens scrambled over to Anne’s body, trying to see if they could get a response. Anna put a hand on Kat’s shoulder and tried to pull her backwards softly, trying to offer support for the worried teen. Jane was instantly at Anne’s other side, examining her face. Aragon and Cathy were standing over Anne together, not wanting to get too close and invade the girl’s personal space.

The audience was reacting terribly, having not expected something so unbelievable to occur. Many of the guests towards the back were trying to get out of the theatre, not knowing what had happened other than a performer seemed dead. A handful of the audience has pulled their phones out and were recording, documenting the events as they unfolded. But the majority of the audience was talking frantically as they watched the queens for any sign of what to do.

The ladies in waiting were the real saviors. Maggie ripped off her guitar and scrambled towards one of the audience members, asking, “Can I use your phone?” Maria and Joan scrambled backstage to look for anything to help Anne while Bessie moved to join Maggie and crowd control. The person Maggie was talking to fumbled for their phone, getting it out and handing it over to the lady. Maggie quickly dialled 999 and waited for a responder to pick up.

Kat had fallen backwards into Anna, gripping her arm. The older queen was holding her friend tight against her chest, making sure she had someone to hold onto. Maria and Joan returned with a couch pillow that they slipped under Anne’s head to better support her. Kat mumbled something, but Anna couldn’t make it out over the cacophony of sound the audience was making. “Say that again,” she rubbed Kat’s shoulder, trying to make the girl feel safe.

“Is Anne going to be alright?” Kat mumbled, slightly louder this time.

Anna didn’t want to make a promise she couldn’t keep, so she told Kat the truth. “Honestly, I don’t know. But Anne’s a fighter, and whatever it is, she won’t go down easy.”

Kat nodded and sunk further into Anna’s arms. Her eyes never left Anne’s prone form, but her breathing slowed down, if only by a little bit.

On the other hand, Jane was very much still freaking out. Cathy had migrated over to her side and Aragon was talking with Maria and Joan by Anne’s head. “Why did we let her go on?” Jane’s face was turning white like Anne’s ashen one. “We should have noticed something -”

“But we didn’t,” Cathy cut her off. “What Anne needs right now isn’t regrets, okay? She needs you to be strong and ready to help her when she needs it.”

“I can do that,” Jane glanced at Cathy. “We can do that.”

“Yes we can,” Cathy agreed, taking Jane’s shaky hand in hers. It was only a small source of comfort, but it worked in the moment. “Things will be fine.”

Aragon couldn’t help but overhear Cathy and Jane. She sighed, itching at her big costume. It wasn’t the ideal clothes for a moment like this, but that wasn’t something she would complain about. None of this was ideal, but it was reality and Aragon had to wake up and face it. “Maggie’s already called an ambulance, they’ll be here any moment,” Maria told her friend.

Watching Anne out of the corner of her eye, Aragon prayed the ambulance was about to enter the theatre doors. “What if it’s already too late?” Fear was starting to creep into Aragon’s body, swallowing her with it’s black, unforgiving jaws.

“It’s not,” Bessie promised, “It can’t be too late.”

“But what if -”

“What if’s mean nothing Catherine,” Bessie explained. “The ambulance is almost here and that’s what you can rely on.”

As the words came out of Bessie’s mouth, the theatre doors slammed open, EMTs rushing down the aisle and up onto the stage. They shooed the queens away from Anne, picking her up with ease and setting her on a stretcher. In the blink of an eye they were gone, rushing back out of the theatre with Anne in tow.

Shooting out of Anna’s arms, Kat gasped, “We have to follow her, go to the hospital!”

“Kat, we’re in our costumes in a theatre full of confused people -” Aragon tried to say.

“We can handle the crowd,” Joan took Kat’s side. “You get changed and head to the hospital where Anne is.”

That was all Kat needed to bolt offstage and up to her dressing room. The queens thanked the ladies and stood up, following Kat to get out of their costumes. Once they were offstage, the ladies turned their attention to the clamoring audience. Maria picked up a discarded microphone and tapped it. “Everyone!” she called for attention. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I wish I could tell you that we know what happened, but the truth is we don’t. If you could please give us all some privacy while we deal with this, it would be greatly appreciated.” Before the audience could respond, the ladies turned off the microphones and prepared themselves for the onslaught of questions they were about to face.

Thankfully, Aragon had decided to drive the group to the theatre earlier instead of taking public transport. All the queens piled into the car and drove in silence on the way to see Anne. There was a clear tension among them, no one having the answers they all so desperately wanted. It felt like hours before they finally reached the hospital, but Aragon pulled into a parking spot and they were free to rush to the front doors.

Kat made it first, followed closely behind by Jane and then the other queens. They entered the hospital and beelined for the nurse’s desk. The woman sitting at the desk looked up and smiled kindly. “How can I help you?” she asked.

“Anne Boleyn,” Cathy informed her, “she has to be recently admitted.”

Scanning her papers, the woman nodded. “It looks like she’s in intensive care currently, but I can send over a doctor to talk to you.” At her words, Kat recoiled, her arms wrapping around her body. The girl’s breathing sped up and she stumbled into Anna, pulling her friend close.

Keeping her composure as best as possible, Cathy nodded. “If you could, please.” The nurse pulled out a phone, but Cathy had turned her attention back to the other queens. They were all in different states of shock. Kat was on the verge of tears in Anna’s arms as the German queen scrunched her face together in order to hide her emotions. Aragon was staring at the ground, her body unresponsive. Jane was holding a hand to her mouth, her eyes wide and unseeing. And Cathy herself was doing everything possible to hold herself together in order to keep some form of control over the situation.

A moment later, a doctor emerged from the hallway next to the nurse’s desk. “Family of Anne Boleyn?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. The five queens nodded frantically, their distress clear as day. “Well I hate to tell you this,” the queens inhaled sharply, “But Miss Boleyn had a heart attack.”

“Wh-what?” Jane stuttered.

“How is that even possible? She’s young and fit,” Cathy furrowed her eyebrows, not convinced by the doctor’s answer.

The man put his hands up in defense. “We really don’t know what caused it, probably something genetic. There’s a lot we don’t know about you bunch, so we can’t say for sure. But one of her main arteries was severely blocked, so much so that she could have died.”

“Could… have?” Kat asked.

“Could have,” the doctor confirmed. “Miss Boleyn will be fine, and hopefully soon too. But right now, she needs her rest. We’re lucky we were even able to help her so quickly. I suggest coming back another time.”

There was a universal sigh of relief among the queens at the doctor’s confirmation. Even if they couldn’t see Anne, even if she wasn’t with them, she would be soon. “Can we come back tomorrow?” Anna questioned, pulling Kat closer to her.

Clicking his tongue, the doctor shook his head. “You can come check in, but you won’t be able to see her for a couple days. But I’ll make sure you’re all told when she wakes up.”

“Thank you,” Aragon’s smile was small, but genuine.

“Of course,” the doctor nodded and disappeared once again.

It had taken a couple days, but finally the queens would get to see Anne. It had been chaotic, trying to deal with all the videos that had surfaced of the girl’s accident and all the rumors that had popped up. The media didn’t quite understand that the queens and ladies wanted privacy as they tried to deal with the fallout of Anne’s heart attack.

But none of that mattered, because Anne was awake and they were going to see her. “Do you think she’ll be sick?” Kat asked, playing with the edge of her coat.

“Why would you think that?” Cathy replied as she opened the doors to the hospital.

“Well some symptoms of a heart attack are nausea and vomiting, so I thought maybe she might be feeling sick,” Kat explained.

Aragon patted Kat on the back. “I don’t think they’d let us see her if she was still sick. But there’s only one way to find out.”

The nurse at the front desk acknowledged the queens, remembering them from previous visits. She pointed down the hall, a small reminder of where Anne’s room was. This would be the first time they would actually get to see her and not pace around outside her door. “Moment of truth,” Anna psyched herself and the others up, putting a hand on the doorknob. Slowly, she pushed it open so they could see Anne on the other side.

There were plenty of machines and tubes surrounding Anne, but her face was no longer grey and her eyes had regained a familiar light. “Queens!” she gasped when she saw them. “You came.”

Kat rushed over to Anne’s side, but restrained herself from hugging her cousin. Instead, Kat slapped Anne’s hand lightly. Kat then gave a hmph and crossed her arms. “What was that for?” Anne frowned.

“You scared us,” Kat dropped her arms and leaned over Anne.

“We thought you were going to die,” Jane spoke up from across the room.

Turning her attention to Jane, Anne attempted to shift herself in the bed. “Jane,” she huffed as her hand almost slipped, “I wouldn’t have died. I’m Anne Boleyn. It takes a sword to the head to get rid of me, not a stupid heart problem.”

“But,” Aragon spoke up, “What if it gets bad again?” She internally cursed herself for going back to the what if’s.

It was surprising how Anne was the most laid back of them all. “I won’t let it. We won’t let it. So what if I have heart problems, apparently. Not doing anything isn’t going to fix it either, so I’m still gonna dance and sing. Sound good to you?”

Anna chuckled and put a hand on Anne’s shoulder. “Sounds great to me.”

And together, all the queens shared a genuine smile, relief washing over them like a calm wave. Anne hadn’t sung her last performance, and she hadn’t taken her last breath. And that was the important thing, they realized. Maybe Anne wasn’t on stage, singing her heart out. But Anne was fine.

Anne was fine.

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Tag List:

@radcowboyalmondtree @boleynhowards @annabanana2401 @babeebobo @dont-lose-your-queerhead @everything-insanity @mindless-pidgeon @i-wanna-dance-and-sing-six @thedemidisaster @its-totes-gods-will @thatbolxyngirl @thenameisnoone @sixqueendom

#six the musical fanfiction #six the musical fanfic #six the musical fic #six fanfiction #six fanfic #sixfic #anne boleyn #request #i don't know if this is accurate at all #yes i once again took the title from a song #specifically move on from we are the tigers #because that song slaps #but that's not the point #tried some circular structure this time #turned out meh #i hope i could do this justice #it's kind of a mish mosh of everything #a garbage fire on wheels

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nostalgiabones · 5 years ago

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Make a Home // Dad!Calum

A/N: I started this in August so... quite a while ago! And I finally got around to finishing it! I have a few other ideas about dad!Calum on tour (thanks to @babe-babylon) so if anyone would like to see more then please let me know here! I hope you enjoy this ♥️

For 5 Seconds of Summer, touring had never been easy. The hectic schedules, running on very little sleep, only having a day off every so often to recoup and relax... the list was endless. When Calum only had himself to worry about, the pressures of touring were manageable, as the consequences of burning out only affected him. Now he had a wife and daughter to think about, at times, touring could be tougher than ever.

But although it could be difficult, he wouldn't change it for the world - there was no way he'd be able to leave the two of you behind at home, whilst he was out on the road for months on end.

At the beginning of your relationship, you and Calum struggled sometimes but you always made it through - it usually consisted of late night FaceTime calls, you joining the tour whenever your own schedule allowed you to, and making up for lost time whenever you could. However, as soon as your beautiful daughter, Marama, was born, things had to be different. Her name, symbolising the moon in Maori, was beautiful just like her - Calum fell in love with it as soon as he heard it. As he became a father he realised just how much he wouldn’t be able to tour without either of you, so you knew you had to make it work for him.

An alarm blaring from one of the bunks around you pulled you from sleep. It wasn't your favourite way to be woken up, but a way that you had to get used to, several days into the tour. You opened your eyes slightly, tucked tightly into Calum's warm bare chest, his arms wrapped around your waist. It was a struggle for space in the small bunks sometimes, but you couldn't complain, getting to wake up in Calum's arms every day. You knew you would miss it, if he wasn't there.

"Come on guys, time to get up. We have a busy day today." You heard the voice of their manager, hearing the rest of the bus beginning to stir. You retrieved your phone from the bed, letting your eyes adjust to the screen before seeing the time 7:15am looking back at you. You groaned quietly into Calum's warm chest, knowing that you'd be able to stay in bed a little longer with Mara whilst the guys got ready and left, and you'd meet up with them later on.

"Baby, you need to wake up." You gently ran your nails along his shoulder and down the side of his chest, trying to gradually rouse him from sleep. You planted a soft kiss to his cheek and nose, before settling back into his neck. He groaned and rubbed his eyes, resting his head on yours.

"S'too early." He mumbled, yawning quietly as he pulled you closer into his body.

"Look who's ready to start the day!" You and Calum heard Ashton's enthusiastic voice, before he pulled back the curtain to your bunk and you saw him holding Mara against his chest. She was holding onto his T-shirt, sleepily resting her head on his shoulder as she woke up a bit more, but her eyes lit up at the sight of her parents. "I went to check on her and she was already awake, I thought I'd just bring her to you guys."

"Good morning, my little moon. Did you have a good sleep?" Calum reached out for her and she happily went to him, a grin taking over her features as she settled in between the two of you. Ashton had given her a pacifier which was keeping her settled for the moment, her squishy cheeks rosy from sleep and her dark curls messy on her head. "Lucky you gets to stay here and cuddle Mama for a while. You make it so hard for me to go to work, sweet girl."

You had been worried about trying to keep her in a routine, and her having to sleep in the back room in a different crib to what she was used to. But as long as either you or Calum rocked her to sleep and stayed in the room whilst she settled, she was fine. Everyone was aware that she slept in there, so knew not to go in late at night or to make too much noise that would wake her. The band and the crew were all very considerate of your situation, and for that you were grateful.

After a few more minutes of cuddles, with one final kiss to you and Mara, Calum dragged himself out of the bunk to go and shower and get ready for the day. You stayed in the bunk cuddling your little girl, the two of you happy with the warm sleepy cuddles from each other.

“Come on angel, how about some breakfast with your dad and uncles before they leave?” You cooed at her, clambering out of the stuffy bunk and making your way through to the living space. The band were sitting around on the sofas, quickly eating breakfast knowing that they had to head out for a day of interviews soon.

“There’s my girls.” Calum smiled softly at the two of you, his heart melting as he watched Mara curl into your body, resting her head on your shoulder, content to look around the room at her tour family. You greeted the rest of the band, easily making up a bottle with your free hand, used to doing things with only one hand now you were a parent, as the other arm was usually occupied by your daughter. “Let me have a cuddle with my baby before I leave.”

He reached out for her and easily took her into his arms, her small chubby hands playing with the buttons on the collar of his shirt. He bounced her softly, aware of the fact that she hadn’t long been awake and was still sleepy. Yawns spilled out of her lips occasionally, her curious eyes looking around at her uncles crashed out on the sofas in the room.

“We have back to back interviews until 12 but then we have an acoustic show, so we thought you could meet us there and watch if you’d like?” Calum asked you, as you passed over the made up bottle and he started to feed Mara, her happily accepting it. One of Calum’s favourite things about being a dad was feeding his daughter - she’d always wrap her tiny hands around his much bigger ones, in an attempt to hold the bottle but she wasn’t strong enough to do it on her own yet. He knew it’d hurt his heart when she was old enough to eat solid foods and he wouldn’t need to give her a bottle anymore.

"Yeah, that sounds good to me babe. We'll have a lazy morning with some Netflix, huh bubs?" You cooed to your daughter, settled drinking her morning bottle in Calum's arms. Most of the time, the places where they did interviews and acoustic shows were fine for you to tag along, but sometimes, it was too busy and it just wasn't ideal.

"Boys, are you ready?" A voice called into the bus, the four band members pulling jackets on and grabbing their phones before waving goodbye to you and your daughter.

“See you soon, my little moon.” Calum passed your daughter back into your arms, as well as the bottle, with a kiss to her forehead, planting a kiss on your lips before following his band out of the bus. “Bye, babe.”

“Look who’s there, baby!” You cooed excitedly to your daughter, thanking the security guard that opened the back door to the venue, to let you sneak in quietly. “Can you see Daddy and your Uncles?”

You had spent the morning cuddled on the sofa, just you and Marama, trying to keep her entertained before showering the two of you and getting ready for the rest of the day.

As Calum had told you earlier, they were playing a small acoustic set to a select number of fans, who had won a competition to be there. It wasn’t too loud, but you’d slipped some small noise cancelling headphones over your daughter’s delicate ears, just in case it was too loud for her. Calum’s eyes caught yours, a smile growing on his lips as he noticed your presence.

You lingered near the back, trying not to catch any fan attention as you didn’t want to overwhelm your daughter. Mara had been around fans a few times, and all the ones that she had met were respectful, but she was a shy baby and would easily get unsettled by too many new people. She always felt safe with you and Calum - the two of you would obviously never put her in any danger - but you didn’t want to scare her.

The set continued and you swayed along to the music, trying to keep her occupied as curious eyes took in all the sights of the new environment. When they finished playing, they took some fan questions, and as you expected, one was about Calum’s family life.

“What is it like touring with a family, Calum?”

He took a deep breath, acknowledging the question before his eyes glanced back over to yours, a warm smile growing on his face yet again. He took the microphone from Ashton, before saying “Well, speaking of which...”

Most of the fans had caught on to you being in the room, several eyes turning around to look straight at you and Mara at the back. She remained mostly unfazed, her big eyes focused on her Dad on the stage after hearing the familiar sound of his voice.

“Can I bring her up here, babe?” He asked you into the microphone, already unplugging himself from his bass so he could come off stage and get her. You nodded, leaving a kiss on her forehead and passing her into her dad’s arms, with another kiss to his lips.

“Hi, my little moon.” He rested her against his chest as he made his way back up to the small stage. The fans squealed happily at the sight of Calum and his baby girl, a chorus of ‘aww’s across the room as he kissed her squishy cheeks. “Did you have a good morning with mum?”

Calum sat back down on his seat on the stage, Mara in his arms getting shy as all eyes turned to her. She hid in Calum’s neck, clinging a chubby hand onto the collar of his shirt, sucking harder on her pacifier. “It’s okay, bubs.” He murmured in her ear, the large headphones removed as the band weren’t playing anymore. “I’ve got you.”

“So, to actually answer your question...” Michael started, causing laughter to break out as the audience realised how sidetracked Calum had gotten.

“It’s great, I mean, of course it’s difficult with Mara being so young and I don’t get to spend as much time with her when I’m out doing interviews and such.” He explained, watching as Luke reached over to bop her nose and make her giggle. “But it would be so much harder without them here, so I’m really grateful that we can work it out and they can come along with us.”

She remained sitting in his lap for the rest of the questions, tiny hands playing with the chain around his neck as she avoided looking back into the audience. Your heart melted as you watched them, forgetting to listen to anymore answers from any of the boys, as you were too distracted by your two loves. You loved how calm Mara was - content against his chest to listen to him and her uncles talk, an occasional giggle when he looked down to press a kiss to her forehead and tickle her sides. It made you realise how glad you were that the two of you could be there with him - you knew it really would crush him, if you weren’t there.

Travelling on a tour bus came with its perks, but also its downfalls. It meant you didn’t have to travel by plane everywhere - which even though it would be faster, it meant packing and unpacking and having to through airports every day, which with a young baby, was not what you wanted at all. Although, being on the bus was also not ideal when it felt like it was a thousand degrees outside, and everyone wanted to stay on the bus to recoup on their day off.

“Everything okay, babe?” Calum’s voice filled the back room where you were rocking Marama in your arms, trying to get her to have her usual afternoon nap. She was hot, restless, and didn’t seem to want to sleep even though her sleepy eyes said otherwise. She turned to look at her dad from her spot in your arms, sucking harder on her pacifier as she rubbed her eyes.

“She’s a bit restless.” You replied, running a hand through her soft curls, identical to those of her dad’s before he shaved his head and dyed it blue. She whined against your chest, wriggling around uncomfortably as you rearranged her in your arms.

“Shall I take her out for a bit? I can take the stroller.” He suggested, wanting to give you a bit of a break and hopefully get her to sleep a little, knowing it would make it easier for when he had a show later that night. You nodded, as he held his arms out towards you, pulling Marama into them. “Hi, my little moon. Shall we go for a walk, huh?”

He grabbed her stroller from the back of the bus, managing to set it up with one hand whilst the other held Mara against his shoulder. He grabbed a thin blanket and a few other necessities, like her stuffed giraffe and pacifier, knowing they would help to settle her. He set her down in the stroller, shushing her whines as she tried to resist him putting her down. “I know you’re so sleepy, Mara.”

He took off with a promise that he’d be back when she fell asleep, hoping the gentle movement of the stroller would help her to settle. It felt good for him to be away from the bus for a little - to get some fresh air, and be away from his band mates and the crew for a while. He loved them, loved being on tour and spending time with them, but he needed his space every so often. He knew he couldn’t go far, in the fear of not knowing his way back, after he had reassured the security team that he didn’t need them to tag along. He decided to just walk around the huge car park, where all the buses were kept for the day.

He felt bad knowing Mara was too warm and restless to sleep. She kept crying and rubbing her eyes, her pacifier falling out every time she whined. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I know you’re uncomfy.” He cooed at her sympathetically, reaching down to rub her tummy soothingly, so she knew he was there. He placed her pacifier back in, holding it there for a moment until she accepted it.

“Calum!”

After walking a few laps around the buses, achieving his goal of getting Mara to sleep, he heard several voices shouting his name from behind the fences. It was then that he realised that fans must’ve spotted him, and a small group was building up outside the gate to the arena. He felt slightly anxious at the thought of going over, really not wanting to disturb Mara, but also feeling guilty if he didn’t say hi. He decided that as long as he warned them she was sleeping, it would be okay.

“Hi, guys. Thanks for coming out.” He greeted them as he reached the gate, keeping one hand slowly moving the pushchair back and forth smoothly to keep Mara asleep. “I just got her to sleep, so if we could be a little quiet i’d really appreciate it.”

“Of course.” The fans agreed and tried to keep their excited squeals to a minimum, as they all tried to catch a glimpse of Mara. He posted photos of her occasionally, but he didn’t want to plaster her all over the internet - she was his baby, your baby, and he wanted to keep his family mostly to himself. “Do you mind if we get a photo?”

Calum agreed, working his way through the crowd of fans that had accumulated near the arena, all hoping to meet him. He glanced over at Mara every so often, anxious that the situation would wake her up again. He wanted her to get a good nap so she wouldn’t be grumpy for the rest of the day - it wouldn’t make it any easier for you, when he had to leave for the show later.

“Can we see Marama, Calum?” One fan asked apprehensively, not wanting to intrude but also wanting to see Calum with his baby girl. He knew that the internet would explode with a photo of him and his sweet daughter, like it did every time he posted one of her himself. He thought about it before answering. He didn’t really want to disturb her, but knew since she was usually such a deep sleeper, she’d probably just fall back asleep against him.

“Sure. She’s sleeping though, if she gets grumpy, it’s your guys’ fault.” He joked with them, a sarcastic chuckle leaving his lips as he spoke. The fans laughed at his response, watching as he reached down into the stroller to scoop her into his arms, making sure she had her pacifier, and shushing her softly before she had the chance to cry. “Here she is.”

A chorus of “awww” and “she’s so cute!” broke out among the girls, a few of which had put their phones away to respect her privacy. There was bound to be a few photos, but he didn’t really mind, since she had her face mostly pressed against his neck anyway.

“She’s so sweet.” Another fan cooed quietly, as Calum patted Mara’s back softly as she adjusted to get comfy on his chest. She still felt hot against his skin, but he was satisfied that she’d managed to get some sleep. “She looks just like you.”

“Do you think so?” Calum asked, his heart warming as she slept against him, making the sweetest sounds and snuffles that he loved so much. He always felt calmer with her in his arms; there was nothing he loved more than to feel her sleeping on him. “She definitely got my curls, that’s for sure. I’m not sure she’ll thank me for it when she’s older though.”

He spoke with them a little longer, grateful that he could chat to them calmly whilst Mara slept. He didn’t mind taking photos, but enjoyed having actual conversations and making connections with people instead. He found it inspiring to meet the people who supported the band and came to the shows.

He headed back to the bus, Mara still sleeping contently against his chest, her head tucked into his neck. Your heart clenched, like it always did when you saw Calum and your daughter together.

“Look who’s back!” Luke announced as he stepped onto the bus, quickly slapping his hand over his mouth as he realised how loud he had been, forgetting Mara was asleep. “Oops.”

“It’s okay. We met some fans, actually. She slept though the whole thing.” Calum informed them, as he sat down next to you on the semi- comfortable sofas of the back room. He pressed a kiss to your lips as a silent hello, linking his free hand with yours as you rested your head on his shoulder.

And as he sat there, like he did most days, it felt so normal and so familiar. His baby girl sleeping on his chest, his beautiful wife sat close to him, his brothers scattered around him in the room. He got to live his dream of being a musician, all while bringing up his beautiful family at the same time. All of the sacrifices and hardships were worth it - no matter where he was, as long as he had his family, he would be at home.

Taglist: @irwinkitten @i-calumhood @gorgeouslygrace @luckyduckydoo @letstaketheups-and-downs @jazzyangel242 @cashworthy @babylon-corgis @norawashere @monsteramongmikey @late-nightdevil @fivesecondsof-mee @maluminspace @fluffsshawn (message me to be added!)

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spyder-m · 4 years ago

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Melt

Summary: After taking a bad hit while clearing out monsters in the slums, Tifa turns to Cloud for help with patching up. Lime. Prompt 'Since the invention of the kiss, there have been only five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.'

A/N: Originally written for Day 4 of the Cloti/Zerith Endless Summer Week, only sharing now because I’m bad at Tumblr.

Ao3 / FF.net / Twitter

One might think that living underneath the plate would come as an advantage in the Summer, the steel sky shading grounders from the sun above. But the arid desert air still beat relentlessly against the Sector, thin and muggy with sweat. Some of the usual, more questionable odours of the slums were coated in an extra, unpleasant layer.

For Tifa, a job as routine as clearing monsters from Scrap Boulevard became noticeably more difficult.

It was harder to regulate her stamina, the speed and strength behind her blows slipping somewhat. It was only exacerbated by the drool that spilt from monsters' open mouths as they barred their fangs; they the dust kicked up, clinging to the sheen of her skin.

Still, she wouldn't let the weather keep her from helping with neighbourhood watch. For the profit, the reputation it brought to Avalanche and the well-being it ensured their little community.

That made it all worthwhile.

Tifa’s grimaced, pinching the damp fabric of her tank top between her fingers as it clung to her undershirt, before wiping her brow with the back of her hand. She lifted her arms above her head, a familiar, practiced stretch, hoping the exercise would cool her down.

Having a second set of hands did help ease the load somewhat. Though not much for the conversation, she appreciated the company. And if the heat was bothering her cohort, he hid it well; the picture of a stoic, disciplined Soldier.

Still, she couldn't help her smirk, noticing his blond spikes drooping slightly, sweat building along his hairline. Noticing her dither, Cloud lifted an eye.

“Could use a shower,” Tifa commented idly. “It’s a good thing we just changed those water filters.”

A country boy at heart, Cloud liked to think he was accustomed to the heat. Particularly in Midgar, having become familiar with the city in his time training under Shinra.

He hadn't, it seemed, spent enough time in the slums. He had not realised how suffocating it could get down there.

In particular, there was something disconcerting about the plate that loomed ominously above upon; the steel feeling as though it was closing in on them. It woke an unnerving discomfort for him. Vague memories of being crammed in a small, tight space, prodded and poked.

Must've been another one of those weird dreams.

Though, the season proved a blessing in helping Cloud get more work. There weren't as many willing to brave the harsh conditions.

As, he was getting to know his way around Sector 7, Tifa insisted on tagging along. She didn't have to push particularly hard to change his mind, not that he'd care to admit so aloud. He much preferred her company to Barrett's.

Though all of Avalanche had shown themselves useful in dire situations, he felt much more comfortable placing his trust in Tifa.

"So, how much further?" He asked, sheathing his Buster Sword, after they had felled the latest pack of Gorgers.

"We should be coming up on it soon, according to Wymer."

"Lead the way."

"Right. We should wrap up soon. I'll need to get Seventh Heaven ready and open before the lunch rush."

The mark in question was a lesser drake, lingering outside one of the factories.

Cautious, it kept to the skies as it circled the scrapyard, wanting to leave a distance between itself and potential threats. Tifa smirked, fixing her glove before she cocked her fist.

"Looks like it’s not going to make this easy."

With a nod to Cloud, she vaulted herself upward, catching their target in the ribs with a whirling uppercut. The drake gave gave a ragged, cry of pain, the wind was knocked out of its lungs; not having expected her to take to the air so easily.

Not allowing their mark a moment of recovery, Tifa continued to rain rapid, powerful blows to its body, hoping to stagger it. With its attention was focused on her, Cloud cycled through different spells, trying to uncover its weakness. Desperately, it began to flap its wings in wild arcs, sending powerful gusts of wind in their direction.

The cool air lashing against their heated bodies almost came as a relief.

The force blew Tifa back, but she managed to tuck her body into a roll, cushioning the impact. She cringed at the dirt that coated her arms in sticky clumps, before returning to her fighting stance as the bird swooped at her.

As she weaved out the drake's path, it abruptly changed direction, kicking up dust to keep out Cloud's reach. Tifa intercepted, soaring up and twisting her body into a kick, looking to deliver the killing blow. This time, however, the drake anticipated her attack, bearing its claws. It caught her across the back in a frantic, clumsy swipe. With a cry, Tifa was swept aside. Unable to brace herself for the fall, she collapsed heavily onto the ground.

"Tifa!" Cloud cried out, before noticing the drake turn its attention towards him. He growled, wanting to check on her but also knowing that it would be dangerous to let his guard slip.

Cloud racked his brain, needing a way to finish this fight quickly. Lowering his sword, he noticed the Wind materia Chadley had given him earlier for compiling Battle Intel. It was the one materia he hadn't tried yet.

Quickly conjuring an aero spell, the drake shrieked as it caught in a powerful gust, dragged towards Cloud. It collapsed to the ground, its wings clipped, leaving Cloud open to bring the Buster Sword down across its neck.

As soon as the drake's body dissipated back into the Lifestream, Cloud ran towards Tifa. His hands resting at her shoulders, helping guide her upright. Though, he kept her at something a distance, not wanting to exacerbate anything if she was hurt.

"Tifa! Are you alright?"

"Y- yeah. Although, now I'm definitely going to need that shower."

"We've done enough for today. Let's get you back to the bar."

Cloud was in a foul mood when they returned to base, hardly an ideal time to have to report back to Barret. He didn’t have the patience or energy to respond to his sarcastic quips and Barret was equally unimpressed to find Tifa had not returned from their routine job unscathed. He was met with an icy glare from Cloud when he tried to pass the blame for Tifa's injury on him.

No matter how Tifa tried to placate the Avalanche leader, insisting it was nothing more than a mistake, Barret remained adamant. Being an ex-employee of Shinra, Cloud was already skirting a thin line, and the lone slip-up was enough to vindicate his distrust.

As if having his skill called into question wasn’t’ enough, the idea that he would play a role in harm coming to Tifa; indirectly or otherwise; left a sickening feeling in Cloud’s stomach. He left the bar in a huff, retreating to his room.

Lounging back on his bed, Cloud found himself tempted to seek out more monsters, thinking perhaps it might quell his anger. Though, he realised it probably wasn’t the best idea. They had just returned from a hunting job, after all, and he wasn't in the clearest headspace.

If he was being honest, he felt that Barret’s words did hold some weight. Perhaps that was why they stung so much.

It was his fault Tifa had gotten hurt. He'd made a mistake to stay back and fight at a distance when she charged in. If he'd been up close, with her, they could have worked together. They probably would have beaten the drake much sooner that way.

At the very least, he could have taken that blow in her place.

He felt guilty. Avalanche had hired him to fight, to keep their members safe and it was a job he tried to fulfill to the best of his ability. Admittedly, he did so out of obligation, wanting to ensure that he got paid in full. But with Tifa, it was different.

Tifa was one of the few left he cared for, one of the first and only people in the Slums to show him kindness. Protecting her was something he took genuine care and pride in.

He truly didn’t want to see her get hurt.

She hadn’t left her room since they'd gotten back.

Cloud was beginning to grow worried.

Tifa had been insisted, stubbornly, that it wasn't a big deal and she would be fine after taking a quick break. One of the cardinal rules of Sector 7, after all, was that bed rest could help cure whatever ailed you.

Cloud hadn't been entirely convinced. So, he kept to his own room, wanting to be to close and keep on an eye on her, without violating her space or request not to be fussed over.

He couldn't make out much noise at first, sensing that perhaps Tifa had been telling the truth and was just sleeping.

After a moment, though, he could hear her shuffling around, the sound of someone setting things on the floor and muttering to themselves as they paced back and forth.

Tapping his fingers against the mattress, Cloud wondered what the problem might be. Why, if she was awake, was she staying cooped up in her room for so long? Did he need to check on her?

Sitting up from his bed and moving to open the door, Cloud eyes strained under the sudden burst of sunlight that assaulted his senses. Having adjusted to the shade and soft colours of his room, the relentless glare was an unwelcome shift.

Shielding the glare with his forearm, Cloud shuffled towards Tifa's door, stopping at the threshold. Exhaling, Cloud lifted his hand, wrapping his knuckles firmly against the door.

"Tifa, are you there?"

"Cloud?" Her voice broke after a moment. "C- can you come in?"

At the quiver carrying through her words, Cloud had to restrain himself from forcing the door off its hinges. He barged into her room, any inhibition he may have harboured evaporating, as concern for her well-being became the sole priority.

For as much she'd undersold her decoration job, Cloud was impressed by how homely Tifa had managed to make the drab apartment feel. The pictures lining the walls, the little nick-nacks on her desk and bedside table. Her clothes, books, CDs. The traces of her presence throughout the room made it feel lived in.

It certainly seemed warmer and more welcoming than his own room. Not that that bothered him. All he needed was a place to sleep.

"Cloud?"

As he turned, Cloud's eyes bulged upon reaching Tifa, stood underneath the shower head. Her gloves, boots and skirt strewn in a pile at her feet. Nothing but the dark material of her undershirt, shorts hugging her long, toned legs.

The shock churned into alarm at the sight of her white tanktop, stained with blotches of red, haphazardly tossed by the foot of her bed. His body, impulsively, staggered towards her, hands reaching her hips at either side.

It seemed the healing spell he'd used earlier hadn't quite been powerful enough. The Materia he'd gotten from Jessie was far from being mastered. There were still cuts littering the middle of her back, blood seeping into the material of her shirt from where the drake had slashed her.

"Do you think you could... help me out?"

Glancing up, Cloud followed her line of sight, spotting what she was talking about. The rags and bottle of rubbing alchohol lined in front of her shower, the bandages. The wound was in a somewhat awkward place to reach, even with Tifa's flexibility.

Even if she could, it was out of sight and she'd have no way of knowing if she was cleaning it properly, letting alone bandaging it up.

His mind eventually catching up to his body, Cloud noticed their close proximity and the way he was holding her. His hands ripped swiftly back, eyes lowering as he coughed.

"S- sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's alright."

Cloud was surprised she would ask for his help with something like this. Though they all received basic training, Soldiers were known more for hurting than healing, and... He wasn't exactly one for being gentle.

He'd scared away Marlene just trying to talk to her.

They hadn’t seen each other for years, and hadn't exactly been the closest friends when they were kids. Wouldn't it be awkward to have him cleaning her wounds when she was half-naked? Surely Jessie would have been better suited.

After all, from how casually Jessie and Biggs examined Wedge’s bare ass for burns and gunshots wounds, Cloud got the sense the group were more than comfortable being half-naked around one another.

Though, he had come to realise that there were secrets she kept even from Avalanche. From the brief words they'd exchanged, it seemed Barret didn't even know what had happened to her parents.

It made sense that she wouldn't want to mention the scar stretching down her chest, right between her breasts, from where the Masamune had slashed her. The very sight awoke a burning sensation in his stomach, a similar entry wound lining his abdomen.

It was a night that he too had lived through. The same pain that he had experienced.

For that reason, perhaps it was easier to ask him.

Sensing that he was the only one she felt comfortable turning to, made it almost impossible to turn down.

The thought that he had a connection, an intimacy with her that no one else did, stroked his ego. He wanted to flaunt it in the face of all those men in town who flirted with her, to their landlady who seemed convinced he wasn't good enough to even be around her.

It was so rare of Tifa to ask anything of someone else.

She had taken him in. Found him lying half-dead at the station when others seemed content to let him rot. The fact that he had been dressed in a Shinra uniform probably hadn't helped.

Yet Tifa had found him work and a place to stay, helped him build his reputation around the Slums and earn money, all the while holding her tongue, resolving not to bother him with the many, burning questions she likely had.

This was the least he could do to repay her kindness.

"Are you sure?"

"Mmm." Tifa hummed, coy. "I trust you."

Though Cloud, for a second, wouldn't hesitate to help her. He sensed they were teetering on the brink of something... dangerous. That if they were to go beyond this point, it could make things uncomfortable between him.

He knew how important their relationship was to Tifa, to him, and wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise it.

Though, there was something about those soft, pleading, red eyes that coursed warmly through him, penetrating through his guard. Those eyes reassured him always that everything would be okay.

As long as he kept himself restrained, respectful, it should be alright.

Though, after all they'd been through together, he wasn't entirely sure they hadn't mean boundaries left to cross. They were already intimately familiar with each other's greatest hardships, their most personal scars.

There was a strange comfort in having someone see you at your lowest, most vulnerable point; a trust and sense that you no longer have anything to hide from them.

"Alright." He conceded eventually. "Turn around."

Swallowing, Cloud swept the thick curtain of Tifa's hair aside, reveling briefly in its weight and softness. He'd always thought she had pretty hair as a teenager, and now it had grown much, much longer. It must have been difficult to maintain. Yet somehow appeared free of tangles, even after the fights they'd just had.

Still, it couldn't have been comfortable in this heat, and would probably get in the way of him patching her up.

"Hang on," Cloud said, releasing the tie at the end of her hair. Her eyes lifted over her shoulder, curious

Recalling the ponytail he'd worn as a teenager, Cloud's fingers sunk into the dark tresses; softer than he had imagined. He shifted the band higher, tying them out of the way in a sloppy bun.

Tifa sighed, blissfully, as the itchy weight of hair was lifted from her shoulders, fresh air cool caressing against the heated skin. She relaxed at the touch of his strong fingers against her scalp.

The reaction was puzzling to Cloud. The sound coming from her not something he had expected. After having spent years training and perfecting his body as a tool, a means to fight, it felt alien for it elicit such pleasure.

He stepped back, suddenly conscious of the bare flesh he had exposed. The slender column of her neck, the strap of her tank top as it slipped slightly from her shoulder.

With a defiant shake of his head, Cloud steeled himself to lower his gaze, concentrating solely on the task at hand.

His hands hovered over her ribs, strangely apprehensive to cover the last modicum of distance between them. It was skin he had seen several times before, had already brushed against or caught a hold of, in the adrenaline of a fight.

Yet, without the rhythm of battle guiding his movement, anything else to capture his attention, Cloud became overtly conscious of the way his fingers traced each dip and groove of her body, the feeling it evoked within him.

There was obvious tension in her muscles. Something Cloud was unsure if he could attribute to the stress and heat of their work wearing on her, or discomfort from being so close to him. Perhaps once the lingering ache of her injury passed, she would be able to relax.

With practiced care, Cloud took the cloth in his hand, dipping it into the bottle of rubbing alcohol. With measured, delicate movement, he carefully worked the cloth over one of her cuts.

Tifa's muscles cinched up at the contact, hissing as her eyes crinkled into the slightest flinch. The reaction would have been imperceptible to most, but Cloud's hand ripped back swiftly, as though he'd burnt her.

"Sorry."

"It's okay," Tifa said. "Keep going."

Cloud frowned, upset at the thought of causing her any discomfort. Even if it was only fleeting, even knowing her strength and that she had endured far worse; that it would ultimately help her; he wished he could make it more pleasant.

Tifa had asked specifically for him. He didn't want her to second-guess herself or think that trust in him had been misplaced. Secretly, he wanted her to rely on him. To know that even she no longer needed a hero to save her, he would still support her.

Cloud needed to show her that he cared. There had to be something he could do to bring her comfort.

He tried to recall his mother. How she had tended to him when he fought with other children.

Though he would try to be strong and mask his pain, she would always know; lovingly pressing kisses against his forehead whenever a particularly bad wave took him. It made him feel safe and made all of his aches magically disappear.

It was the old cliche, kiss it better.

Looking down, he could make out beads of sweat trickling from the pores of her shoulder, Cloud's tongue slid across his hot, cracked lips.

He was drawn to the familiar, comforting scent of her; a fragrance attached to some of the few, precious memories of his childhood. Yet, there was something equally invigorating about the shape of her body, the parts of her he wanted to discover more.

Somehow, despite the humid weather, he was tempted by her body heat, feeling himself drawing unconsciously nearer. The desire to comfort her, to dip his head and trace his lips over her shoulder in a brief, feather-light caress, was taking over him.

She was so close to him already, it would be so easy.

Cloud urged himself to hold still and concentrate, not to be driven by selfish urges. There was a haze clinging to his consciousness, muddling his thoughts. It must have been the heat must have been making him light-headed.

Still, as he shifted back into place, delicately touching the cloth to her back, a silence rang out through the apartment. The room had become a private space for them, away from the rest of the world.

There was nothing for him to focus on but her.

For Tifa, the sting each stroke of cloth left was passed quickly, worth enduring to revel in the care that Cloud quietly expressed. The way his free hand rested against her lower back, supporting, occasionally massaging her flesh. The way his voice would dip, soothing apologies or words of comfort vibrating from his throat.

It was rare glimpse beneath the layers of snark and stoicism Cloud usually shrouded himself in. The Cloud from her memories, she could still sense traces of. It was a side she felt touched to know, he was comfortable enough to show around her.

Eventually, Cloud washed away the last flecks of blood and dust, leaving only the jagged, broken lines of skin. The scar Tifa would carry on the way to healing. Clearing his throat, Cloud set the cloth and bottle down, letting her know he was finished.

As Tifa turned back to face him, Cloud found himself engulfed by those soft, smouldering red eyes once more; holding him in a prolonged, unbroken touch. He shuddered, rapt by how such a seemingly innocuous, silent gesture could express such intimacy.

In how they knew him so well, could read the desire written in his expression. It was disarming, compelling him to lower his guard, to breach the distance they had always placed between one another. The tension once plaguing Tifa's muscles had melted away under his hands, leaving her slipping toward him. Her hands clasped his cheek, emboldening by the desire to penetrate further beneath those hard edges.

Her face hovered dangerously close to his own now, eyes wide and shining as he sunk deeper in, pulled unconsciously forward. Cloud's heart surged erratically as he felt her breath scorching against his skin. He couldn’t place what was coming over him, lulled by her the delicate flutter of lashes as her eyes closed, lips swelling.

His head tilted, covering the last vestige of distance between him.

His mouth sought hers without another moment to think, to hesitant. It was a movement that came so naturally, the cathartic release of years of pining, of feelings that seemed to daunting and complex to properly convey.

The touch of her lips was sweet, a gentle caress steadily growing firmer, and more confident, each time it was reciprocated. It was a gesture so inherently her. The way she kept him at a slight distance, wanting to show him affection but frozen by hesitance and fear that it might turn him away.

His arms surrounded her tightly, an embrace he hoped might help to ease any doubts about his affection for her, basking in the weight of her body as it melted against his. Her hand cradled the back of his head, fingers massaging soothingly against his scalp. Their kiss broke as a moan ripped from Tifa’s mouth.

The deep, throaty sound racked his body, a dull, throb coursing through his head. Cloud flinched, images burning, one after the other, into the recesses of his mind. Tifa, lying naked underneath him, her hair unbound and spread over patches of grass. Her body bathed in moonlight, face flushed and voice cracking in a series of eerily similar moans as he rutted against her. Her head resting against his shoulder as dawn bled into the sky.

Overwhelmed, Cloud slipped back, his breathing shaky. The room silently felt incredibly stifling, his head still swimming. Tifa's eyes were half-lidded as they pinned him quizzically, pants spilling from her swollen lips. The vision was almost enough to pull him back.

“I’ll, uh…" Cloud coughed, glancing down. "I’ll leave you to finish getting cleaned up.”

“Oh... Right. Thank you, Cloud.”

Keeping his gaze drawn to the floor as he left, he'd miss the flash of disappointment in her eyes.

#ffvii #final fantasy vii #ffviir #final fantasy vii remake #cloti #cloud x tifa #cloud strife #tifa lockhart #fanfiction

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