#is me starting to do more things that are autistic behavior me unmasking finally or me trying to be autistic

[zebulontheplanet]

Let’s talk about my masking, since it’s been a topic I’ve been avoiding talking about.

I’m medium masking. I can mask SOME. I used to be low masking due to my autism catatonia, but thanks to the medication I’m on, I was SLOWLY gaining masking skills back. But now starting to lose it again. It’s one of the few things I was getting back. And this is also your reminder. IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE AUTISM CATATONIA, REACH OUT TO A DOCTOR. Plain text: if you believe you have autism catatonia, reach out to a doctor.

Why? Because Autism Catatonia IS treatable.

I used to be VERY visibly autistic. Stimming constantly, running around, just having that *look* to me. It caused harassment ALL the time. Like literally all the time.

Now, I can mask some. Stimming being the biggest thing that I could mask. However, it did, and still caused me to be constantly overwhelmed, and constantly on the brink of a meltdown. The constant suppression of stims is and was harmful to me, and I am slowly letting go of my masking ability that I have gained back because it’s harmful to me, and I’m just causing myself more harm by doing so. And I’m losing it already and just causing myself more harm by pretending I’m not and trying to hold onto it. I don’t think people realize just how heartbreaking it was to not be able to mask much at all, to being able to mask some, and then realizing that even the small amount of masking you are doing is being extremely harmful to yourself. I’ve also noticed that it’s been detrimental on my mental health, and even physical health as it is causing me to have more catatonic episodes. Why? I don’t know. But I cannot deny that my catatonic episodes, constantly being on the brink of a meltdown or having multiple meltdowns a week, and being constantly overwhelmed, didn’t happen until I started suppressing some of my stims and autistic behaviors.

I am EXTREMELY privileged to even be able to suppress some of my stims. Does this mean I’m not perceived as autistic? Absolutely not. I’m still autistic, and very much perceived as being autistic because of the fact that I’m nonverbal, constantly not alone and with people assumed to be my caregivers, constantly chewing on things, wearing ear defenders, in a wheelchair, and so on.

However, I’ve noticed a drastic change between me as someone who once stimmed very outwardly, then someone who did stim more passively. I haven’t talked about my masking in a HOT minute, because I was like “great! Finally getting some masking abilities back, let’s see where this goes” and then the second I started gaining it back, it started going down the drain again.

Today, I’m laying in my bed. Under a weighted blanket, feeling my skin crawl and having to kick my partner out because I felt like I was going to have a meltdown because I didn’t wear my ear defenders all week even though I needed them. And knew I needed them.

I’ve been so focused on how others perceive me, how they look at me, how they treat me, that I’ve completely forgot about what is best for ME. What is best for MY health. Yes, for awhile I was gaining some masking skills back, and even now, I’m more masked than I was, but I’m losing that again, and it is the most terrifying feeling. The feeling of losing your masking skills AGAIN is terrifying. Because the last time I did, I was struck with so much catatonia that I couldn’t get out of bed and needed help with almost every bADL and lost my speech completely. Now, I know that this hopefully won’t be the case, and the more I accept that I’m losing my masking skills and try not to force it, I will be ok hopefully and not fall back into that.

Autism Catatonia has taken everything from me before, and it’s continuing to take so much from me again. However, I cannot justify continuing to put myself through the literal torture of masking, putting my health at risk with more catatonic episodes, and the like. I know, it’s an extreme privilege to even start unmasking, yet I don’t feel like I have a choice, or even a say in the matter. The more days that go by, I’m losing the ability whether I like it or not. I’m not going through my “silly little unmasking journey”, I’m losing a vital skill that is made to protect autistic people against my will. And the more I fight against it, the more I’ll just cause myself harm. I cannot risk falling back into more catatonic episodes. I’m in college. I cannot risk that.

For all my autism catatonia baddies out there losing their ability to mask and in a complicated relationship with it, I see you, and you aren’t alone in this.

Autism Catatonia is so complicated, and I feel like the more I try and fit myself into the box that I used to be, the more harm I’m causing myself. So, here’s to a new chapter. A new chapter of accepting that I shouldn’t mask so I don’t have catatonia. A new chapter of accepting that I’m losing my masking skills again. A new chapter of being my autistic self again, and not worrying what other people think of me.

[wenpuppy]

Having some personal thoughts and I can apparently do a read more on mobile now w/o struggle so here we go

I've never been diagnosed with autism but both of my siblings have and the more I reflect the more I think about how like... it was just never a question for me? Like my parents are both neurodivergent and they've always been more chill and understanding with this sort of thing so with my siblings both being autistic it was kind of just a given that I was treated with as much grace and accommodation as was given to them. So why would I question whether or not I was neurodivergent in the same ways? It didn't really matter

And like obviously I started having really strong sensory issues in my teens and that was a struggle to deal with (my siblings for whatever reason either don't have such strong responses or they manage it better than I do/did) but I always roped it off into its own separate category. I don't have autism, I don't have SPD, I simply have anxiety and hearing someone drop a knife on the ground sends me into a panic. That's normal people things.

Looking back what I find really funny is that my siblings were actually more understanding of my issues than I realized. I remember feeling really stupid because my sister bought me makeup brushes as a gift once and said "I don't know if you want to use a lot of makeup, but I thought you might also enjoy just brushing them against your face!" And it made me feel so self conscious about my behavior!! But now I feel like she was probably being so genuine about it and it's an example of how lucky I am to have a family that accepts that kind of eccentricity, right?

The reason this is on my mind lately is because I feel that once my siblings moved out I think I started putting all this pressure on myself to finally "step up" and "hold everything together" and I uh... don't think I function very well as a neurotypical. I think I've had more meltdowns in the past couple of years than I've ever had in any similar amount of time when I lived with the rest of my family. I don't think I've been giving myself the space to unmask and be weird and I'm starting to realize that if I don't let myself be weird I will simply be miserable instead.

Does this mean I'm completely comfortable with the autistic label? I don't know. Personally, maybe. I don't think I would tell anyone directly that I didn't already trust. But honestly I'm just like... tired of the mental strain lately. If being straightforward about stimming and executive disfunction and all the little neurodivergent issues I face means I can handle life a little easier, I'll take it. Maybe if I get used to being myself again I won't hate her so much every time she comes out of hiding.

[ivyquinzel]

.

[sapphosvioletts]

Cocooned

Natasha Romanoff x Autistic Daughter

Summary:

Natasha's daughter is exhausted after a day out having to mask. Natasha comes home to find her in her blanket cocoon, so she cuddles with her, and lets her unmask completely and just be herself.

Request: could you please do one with natasha x autistic!daughter!reader where r is having a bad day (from masking) and is cocooned under blankets so nat comes in and gently cuddles in and sings softly, and lets r infodump and stim all r wants

Autistic masking: 'Masking is a complex and costly survival strategy for autistic people. It generally involves intentionally learning neurotypical behaviors and mimicking them in social situations. Sometimes masking focuses on hiding behavior that people feel won't be accepted'

Word count: 1,502

Note: Not every autistic person experiences autism the same. I'm autistic and I am writing from my perspective of how I personally experience autism, but not everyone feels the same as me or has the same perspective as I do.

- the reader is adopted, they are not biologically related. I want my writing to be inclusive to everyone, which is why i am specifying this incase it isn't directly said in the fic

.oOo.

I sigh when I step through the front door, relieved to finally be home. I was out with some friends, and although it was fun, it's left me exhausted. I take my shoes off and drop my bag by the table, even though I know that Natasha is just going to tell me to move it later anyways. I'm too tired at this point to care though.

Masking always leaves me exhausted, and all I the want to do is just lay down and relax for the rest of the day. I don't have the energy to do anything else, even just the thought of actually doing something energy taxing makes me want to cry.

I head to my room first and change into more comfortable clothes. That ended up just being shorts and a sports bra, since it just seemed like all of my shirts would irritate me in someway or another.

I'm about to crash onto my bed, before quickly changing my mind and making the decision to head to my moms room instead. Yes, it would take more energy to get there instead of just laying down on my bed right here, but her room has a tv which takes less energy than pulling out my laptop and watching something on there. Her bed also has a fluffier comforter, which sounds amazing right now.

I grab my favorite blanket, pillows, and my stuffed animal and trudge to Nat's room. I throw them all on her bed and start arranging them the way I like it.

It might sound stupid or even childish to some people, but cocooning myself in a nest of blankets and pillows is the most comforting thing for me. It just makes me feel safe and it's also extremely comfortable, I'm not really sure how to explain it.

Once all of the pillows are stacked just right, I hop in bed with my stuffed animal and pull all of the blankets over and around me, shifting down until the blankets are pulled up to my chin. Between all of the blankets and pillows, I can't even really see anything over them, it's like a big fluffy cloud, which is exactly how I like it.

The TV is mounted high enough that I can at least make it out, so I begrudgingly grab the remote and turn on one of my favorite shows. I've already seen it more times than I could even count, so I don't have to focus too hard on it. I already know what's going to happen and what's going on, so I can just relax and listen to it.

I pull the blankets back up to my chin and hug my knees to my chest as I lay on my side, my stuffed animal tucked between my knees and chest. I close my eyes and just let myself relax in my little cocoon.

.oOo.

Natasha is slightly confused when she calls out to me that she's home and doesn't get a response. She sets her things down and makes her way to my room. She starts getting more worried when she pops her head into my room and doesn't see me. She decides to check her room before she allows herself to completely panic though, and she's glad she did.

She smiles when she sees the pile of pillows and blankets on her bed, knowing that I'm under there somewhere. Before she knows it she's walking over to me, feeling overwhelmed with love and adoration for her daughter, and she hasn't even seen her yet.

As she gets closer I finally see her, which makes me smile. "Hi mom" I mumble, trying to get my arms out of the mountain of blankets to hug her. She smiles even wider and sits on the bed next to me. "Hey honey" I finally get my arms free and she leans down so I can hug her waist. She kisses the top of my head as she pulls away.

"Let me get changed and then I'll join you." I nod and so she gets up and grabs some clothes, quickly changing in the bathroom. When she's back I hold up the blankets for her so she can slide in under. She crawls into bed carefully, trying her best not to ruin how I have everything set up, knowing that I like it a specific way.

I rearrange the blankets again once shes settled and she patiently waits for me, watching me with a small smile on her lips. I lay back down, resting my head on her chest. Her arms wrap around me and hug me with the perfect amount of pressure.

My hand immediately finds the string of her hoodie and starts fidgeting with it. Natasha doesn't mind at all, she happily lets me stim. She doesn't say anything about my shaking and bouncing foot either, although she could feel it, she really doesn't mind it at all. She knows all about stimming, and she's sure as hell not going to stop me. Why should she? If it's something that comes naturally to me and can be harmful to me if I don't do it, she sees absolutely no reason to be annoyed with it, she even encourages it. She only wishes others could see it the same way as well.

"How was your day, love?" Nat asks softly. "It was fun, I'm just really tired now." I shrug. She knows that I really mean from masking, she understands what I'm trying to say. "What about yours?" I ask. "It was alright. I saw these beautiful orchids at the store today while I was passing by, maybe we'll need to go sometime and get some." She smiles, knowing exactly what she's intending to do by bringing up my special interest.

She loves my special interests, she loves how enthused I get by them and the way my eyes light up when I get to talk about it. She knows that I've been conditioned by the neurotypical world to keep my tangents to myself, and she hates that I've been made to feel annoying or bad for ranting about something I love so much. So every chance she gets, she lets me go on and on about whatever I'm interested in, she knows how much it means to me as well.

She also knows that if she starts talking about one of my special interests, it will give me the opportunity to start infodumping, which is why she chose to mention that. "That would be nice, I haven't had many orchids before. I'm not sure why, since they're so popular, they're everywhere."

I start to ramble, not even thinking about what I'm saying, just finally being able to completely let myself go and just let myself be how I'm supposed to. I'm not worrying about my tone, my facial expressions, my movements, I'm not worrying about anything. It's like my mind is blank, but in a good way. I'm just able to be myself without having to think about anything.

"One species of orchids is actually considered one of the ugliest flowers in the world. It's the Gastrodia Agnicellus, they said it was too fleshy and brown." Natasha laughs at the new information. "How would you even rank the ugliest flowers?" She asks through her contagious laughter.

Once my own laughter dies down, which was caused by hers, I respond. "I don't know, cause I feel like just having it look too fleshy doesn't make it ugly enough. I don't know, I feel like the Kadupul should be considered the ugliest. Yeah it can be really pretty, but it rarely ever blooms and on the occasion that it does, it only blooms at night but then dies before the sun even comes up so by the time you even see it, it's dead. I feel like a flower that is dead most of the time is the ugliest."

Natasha stares at me lovingly as I ramble on about where flowers should be ranked. She can tell that I've finally unmasked, finally just letting myself be me. She's unbelievably honored that I trust her enough to completely let go around her, and she's extremely thankful for it. She'll always be thankful to see me at the times I'm the happiest and most relaxed, which for me are when I'm completely unmasked.

After a while, I eventually start to become tired. Our conversation wraps up, thankfully because I don't think I could keep my eyes open any longer. Natasha rubs soothing circles on my back once she senses how tired I am.

Her other hand holds the back of my head to her chest, massaging my scalp. She then starts singing softly, aware that her velvety voice will always bring me to sleep. She watches as my hand stimming with her hoodie string slowly becomes still and heavy on her chest as I finally fall asleep from the vibrations in her chest and her soft voice.

[rebelscum-2187]

So after nearly 22 years of life on this planet, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am high functioning autistic. I believe I fell through the cracks of an early diagnosis for the following reasons:

1.) I am Female (I learned how to mask myself very early on)

2.) I have a gifted IQ (above 130) and was classified as such in 4th grade so no one considered that I could be both ASD and intellectually gifted.

I am in the beginning stages of unmasking and am currently seeking an official diagnosis. Right now, I’m trying to write down everything I know about my neurodivergent experience so here’s a list of things I’ve experienced and believe to be relevant. If you can relate or you understand please comment and share! I’m new to this community and it feels so good to finally meet people who understand and can relate. Ok, Here we go.

“So the general population doesn’t memorize scripts to movies or watch the same one every day for a year?”

“People think it’s weird that I prefer to have subtitles on when I watch stuff, even though I don’t have damaged hearing”

“I watch movies with subtitles because I won’t understand what’s said if I don’t read it. I have no hearing issues.”

“I cannot hear/understand someone if I have one ear bud in and one out. Too much sensory input at once.”

“I thought I had a hearing deficit because I literally could not understand people at church or parties or other places with a lot of background noise, and I was so confused when they told me my hearing was normal.”

“I love star wars. Not just love but I could tell you what planet each character is from and what kind of ship they use, what model droid that one is and I will gladly talk about it all day if you let me. Everyone now gets me Star Wars stuff for my birthday and holidays”

“Eye contact is so uncomfortable for me that sometimes it ‘burns’ to maintain it, but then I overcompensate and stare too intensely. Over the years, being female, I’ve forced myself to make eye contact for a certain number of seconds and then look away a certain number of seconds but I’m concentrating so hard on that, that I don’t remember anything that was said to me.”

“Giving me verbal directions is a special kind of hell. I need it written down.”

“I can memorize pictures of things and exactly where every kid sat in my 10th grade US history class as well as my 9th grade geometry class.”

“I never fit in anywhere, in my childhood, most of my adolescence, except the swim team and my new church.”

“Team sports are the worst. I can’t communicate fast enough, I’m bad with hand eye coordination and keeping track of a ball. I excelled in individual sports and fell in love with swimming.”

“I often found it much easier to make friends with older kids because I could have intelligent conversations with them and their good social skills could make up for my lack of social skills.”

“But, I had a few friends that were considerably younger who I could still play imaginatively with dolls when I was 13 and one particular friend was 9. I had a lot of trouble getting a long with her sister who was the same age as me.”

“It physically pains me to hear someone mispronounce a word, spell something wrong, or make a grammatical mistake. I corrected my cousin A LOT when we were kids, she frequently got mad and I couldn’t understand why. My grandma would tell me to stop because correcting people is rude.”

“One of my special interests as a kid was dolphins. I was 5-6 years old and I remember being so excited when my mom let me check out like 10 books from the library and I read them quickly and multiple times.”

“I corrected a teacher one time about dolphins. She said dolphins weren’t whales and I knew FOR A FACT that ‘dolphins were a type of small whale’ because I read it in one of my books. She laughed at me and so did the rest of the class and I felt stupid even though I was right. This led to me suppressing my knowledge and real self and ultimately more masking.”

“As per that last one, my memory is impeccable.”

“I had another special interest in dogs when I got a bit older. My mom bought me a book with every kind of breed of dog, where they came from, their temperament, their size, everything. I can still, to this day, tell you the breed of dog just by looking at it.”

“I always wanted a best friend but never had one. I had groups of friends but never someone who would call me their best friend. When I got a boyfriend in high school, I was so excited because he called me his best friend and he was mine and I finally had that feeling reciprocated. He also had a gifted IQ and dyslexia, ADHD and a few other things so we understood each other quite well.”

“I can’t tell if someone is flirting with me because I can’t read between the lines. I also don’t know how to flirt because if I like a guy too much I get soooo nervous and I stumble over my words and it’s a disaster.”

“When I liked this guy (last year, 2019) I would freeze up so bad when I talked to him that I rehearsed every conversation I wanted to have with him so I wouldn’t mess it up. I would write topics in the notes section of my phone before hanging out with him so I’d remember what to ask him. It made for very awkward and forced conversations and probably drove him away.”

“Sarcasm and jokes almost always go over my head. The boyfriend I had in high school was very funny and outgoing but used a lot of sarcasm and it always caused disagreements because I took him seriously when he was being sarcastic.”

“I talk slowly and very monotone.”

“I have no difficulty reading in my head and can read/comprehend it well, but reading aloud is difficult and I often stumble over words and mess up.”

“I need directions repeated multiple times before I understand.”

“I went to the beach to hang out with some church friends yesterday. They all play spike ball and are so confused as to why I sit there and don’t play. I’ve tried playing spike ball but it involves way too much hand eye coordination and I’m so bad at it that it’s embarrassing. So I don’t play.”

“That same night, a group of them said ‘let’s play uno!’ And I was so happy to play something familiar that didn’t involve a lot of coordination. Then they said ‘we’re playing SPICY uno, right?’ And immediately my heart sank because I knew they were playing a different way that I wasn’t familiar with. Again, receiving verbal directions was hell and I didn’t understand it. I was so bad at it and wasn’t getting it, and in the middle of the game I had the urge to cry. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t even get this right. I suppressed the urge, of course, so they wouldn’t think I was even more weird than the already suspected. Another group of people that I wouldn’t fit in with.”

“Making friends has always been so difficult. Once I make a good friend I hang on to them for as long as possible even if they’re not very nice because I’m scared I’ll have to make a new one if I lose them. And we all know how hard making new friends is for me.”

“I’m a perfectionist. Especially with my art projects. When I took a painting class I realized I do it the wrong way. You’re supposed to paint layer by layer over the entire canvas and focus on small details at the very end. I work on one small area at a time and do small details too soon. I often spend way too much time on small details before I realize that the larger shape of the object isn’t proportionate and then it’s too late.”

“I won’t even attempt tasks if I know I can’t do them perfectly.”

“I have perfect pitch. I don’t know if that has anything to do with autism or that I just started music lessons when I was young. I can tune instruments perfectly without a tuner or reference note and I never understood why my orchestra teacher had me play the A key on the piano over and over again while she walked around and tuned everyone’s instruments when I could do it without any reference. I can hear it in my head.”

“When my parents got me a keyboard at age 7-8, they were impressed because I could sit down, without listening to any song and find the notes of a song I liked by ear. I still do that today but my piano is very out of tune and it bothers me.”

“Autistic boys tend to isolate and not care about concealing their stims or weird behavior but girls don’t. I am a ‘loner’ and always have been but I want so badly to belong and have friends and socialize, but I’ve always been so bad at it that I strike out every time. I often drink at social gatherings because it helps me loosen up and talk more freely. I guess it helps me lose the mask for a while.”

“I HATE people touching me. I’ve always hated it and still hate it to this day unless it’s someone I’m super comfortable with. I’ve been told I have the ‘dead fish hand shake’ and I’m an awkward hugger. My friend picked me up from behind and carried me for a few seconds because we were all goofing off and having fun but afterwards I was so mad at him I got really quiet and didn’t talk for a while. I told him later on the ride home that if he did that again I would slap him. “

“Everyone thinks it’s weird that I don’t like touching people, and some of my friends who also don’t like touching people were abused and I always thought, ‘there had to be a reason, maybe I was abused as a kid and repressed it.’ It’s been so long and I’ve finally realized that maybe it’s just because I have Aspergers or ASD. “

“When I make sarcastic remarks or jokes I often have to clarify because I say them in such a monotone way that people think I’m serious.”

“I’ve always joked that I’m just really clumsy and uncoordinated, and chalked it up to being tall and lanky. That’s why swimming was the perfect sport for me. Little to no risk of injury and not much hand eye coordination needed to be good at it. Just hours of practice, technique and endurance.”

“I also injure myself quite a lot because I’m ‘a klutz.’”

“Stims: I scratch my head and then smell my fingers and I will do this for hours if I am able (I know that one is weird so I only do it at home) popping my knuckles a ridiculous amount of times when I feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to do with my hands. I twirl my hair constantly (that one is pretty socially acceptable so I do it in class nonstop). I tap my foot or bounce my leg, I make weird facial expressions and forget to hide those. People notice but they often think it’s funny because I’ll make a face if someone says something dumb and make an expression that people seem to relate to. I scrunch my nose if I’m uncomfortable or just whenever.”

Special interests: Star Wars, Disney (I know every word to every Disney song and I watch animated Disney movies over and over again, like literally every night) dolphins, the ocean, dogs, theology/the Bible.

“With my art work, and other things, I will get so focused on a painting that I will work non stop for 8-9 hours (all day basically) and not eat because I’m so focused that I forget to eat.”

“I think I slur my words a lot and sometimes my friends will laugh and be like ‘did you just say ____.?!?!’And I’ll clarify and they will continue laughing and say ‘oh it sounded like you said this.’ I hate when that happens.”

“Loud noises really bother me. I jump if I hear an unexpected loud noise and I hate people yelling, even if it’s not directed at me, it makes me want to cry. “

“I loved the color blue so much as a kid (I still do) but my entire wardrobe was basically different shades of blue t-shirts. I also only ever wore baggy t-shirts and baggy cargo shorts (I kinda dressed like a boy) because it was comfortable and I didn’t like getting comments if I looked “cute today”. I hated the attention. I also never ever wore my hair down to school. It always had to be up in a tight pony tail. I still don’t like my hair being in my face to this day and wear it up almost every day.”

“The other day, I was hanging out with a friend and she was trying to tell a story but I kept getting distracted and interrupting her. She said, ‘Emily, you kind of interrupt people a lot.’ At first I was hurt, but then I realized it’s not entirely my fault and it’s an autistic thing.”

“I mask so much that I have rehearsed responses to social interactions and will often get so nervous or start speaking from the script before I realize I’ve said the wrong response. Of course I’ll think about it all day after that and think of ‘well great, so and so thinks I’m weird now.’”