#and now im trying to figure lut how much of my life has been me forcing myself not to do things that people will make fun of me for
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#The time is five o one am and i am once again worrying that i am not actually autistic but a fucking liar#this is absolutely ridiculous. i have a diagnosis. I've gone through my symptoms. i am autistic.#but am i autistic or do i just want to be special and have attention?#this is also a ridiculous thought. i have anxiety and adhd. thats already way too for me. i hate attention.#i have tried for years to be normal. why would i actively seek out the opposite.#but am I actually autistic enough to be autistic?#i have almost every symptom and it looks different in every person but there is at one common one i expirence less than a lot of people#and apparently thats reason to doubt and hate myself despite thinking anyone else with this exact same problem deserves love and support#and of course I cant talk to my mom or therapist about this because what if they think im grabbing for attention#and on that note what if i am?#is me starting to do more things that are autistic behavior me unmasking finally or me trying to be autistic#is my previous lack of some things because i was super scared and hiding it? yes but like what if it wasn't#it doesn't help that youre supposed to get diagnosed young and i didnt until i was fourteen#and now im fifteen and have done so much research on it and like thats me and i want to be happy i finally know why im fucked up#but what if im lyyyyiiiinnnngggg#but why would i do that? i know i keep asking questions and trying to talk about it and i think it annoys my mom#shes super nice and supportive but now im too scared to annoy her#and now im trying to figure lut how much of my life has been me forcing myself not to do things that people will make fun of me for#or things teachers or other people wouldnt/wont let me do because i should be able to do it?#and why the fuck is everything so ableist. this is a completely different complaint that comes from anxiety and adhd too#wht dont i have the right to function without panicking. why cant i do things that help me focus that dont distract anybody else#literally what harm am i doing#anyways now im stressed like usual so i will practice my daily excersize of zoning out to the fiction land of my choice#and pretending that im one of my ocs that i know better than myself and forgetting everything is horrible for a few hours#then ill probably have to realize its not real again and start crying but its better than just crying without the reality break#its a better coping mechanism than my last one and i actually enjoy doing it whwn im not stressed as well#because i usually domt start crying then#that being said im rarely not stressed#tumblr is a motherfucker and took the word special out of an earlier tag. adhd and anxiety are way too special for me is what i meant#anyways have a good night or day or whatever the fuck it is for you sorry for venting and being annoying
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