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bro no fucking way she just got us hozier tickets right after she fucked me if this isn't the most gay thing i have ever fucking experienced i do not know what is

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hey guys, sorry for not really being on here much. i love this blog and i always will, but i've just grown out of it a bit. my life has been more busy lately, i actually have a social life now lol dance is very busy, keeping my school work up, and i've been going out with someone and tbh any amount of free time i have had just been with them. so i just haven't had the time to be on here very much! and i'm not as interested in marvel anymore, and don't have the motivation to write. i'm definitely not leaving, but just wanted to say that i'm not sure if i'll be fully back any time soon

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somehow my afternoon started plant shopping and my night ended offroading in the fucking desert mountains in this dudes shitty ass truck

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#I think I have seen this film before… (insp)

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Spends the whole show not blinking then does this. Your honor this is gay ass behaviour

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pulling an all nighter my last night of break because i'm hyperfixated on crocheting and reading and i won't have as much time to do them after break so i need to shove as much as i can in today (even tho i've been crocheting for.. 12+ hours every single day of break. i need to finish my second sweater ok)

oh yeah also have like.. 20 school assignments i need to do before 8am monday

my dutch bros rebel has just been ordered for tonight 🫡

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my agoraphobia has gotten worse again, sorry for the absence but don't worry i'll be holed up more often so probably be on tumblr more lol

it had gotten miles better.. and then only a couple things happened and i'm back to square one. i think where it started to go downhill was recently- i was at an event and we all had to evacuate (when it was a time when quite literally everybody there was in one room) and being stuck in an emergency and also stuck in a large crowd fucked me up even if i didn't even react at the time very much? and then now since then the smallest things i feel like have been just breaking it down. like today i met a friend of my dance teachers, she's super nice but now i can only think of everything i said and did and i'm so embarrassed and anxious over probably insignificant things. and now it feels like every social situation just makes me anxious. i don't want to talk to anyone anymore, i don't want to be in places where i'll be stuck again

and i had made so much progress. i spent a lot of time out of my house, i enjoyed leaving my house and even felt negative effects when i was stuck home too much. but now i'm anxious to even just leave my house at all. i don't even want to drive anymore, even if i don't end up leaving the car like to just get coffee or something. and then i'll be thinking about that interaction all week with the employee. it's like every single thing that's just not home is terrifying

if anyone has any advice, please let me know <3 i might not reply or right away, but it's appreciated. and also anyone struggling with this too, i'm here for you!

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hi. i want to tell you about my friend.

i met someone, we’ll called R, on instagram in 2020. it was quarantine and i joined some trans spaces to meet other guys with my experience. through there, i met R. we related through our gender dysphoria and our experiences. he was funny and sweet and an entertaining person to be around. you could always hold an amazing conversation with him, and he always made sure to cheer me up. he was beautiful. he always supported people in their time of need. i remember calling him one day after something happened, and R just absolutely cheered me the fuck up. in the winter of 2020, he said he was doing better. he had depression and had mentioned it previously, but told me and his friends that things were improving for him. i believed him.

R committed suicide in january of 2021. he was 15.

his birthday is coming up soon, and i grieve for him. he should be turning 17 and getting ready to go into college. but that never happened.

i grieve for the trans teenagers who felt so alone and lost that they lost their own battle to depression.

i grieve for the children who can’t get the support they deserve and couldn’t feel loved until their lives were lost.

the transgender suicide rate is unacceptable. it’s insane and is a rapid problem that NEEDS to be fixed.

even the suicide rate in general is awful. there is a mental health crisis going on, and it feels like no one is talking about it.

i want to encourage every one of you to raise awareness. educate people, have those hard discussions, find room in your budget to donate- even just a simple post helps more then you know.

if you are ever considering suicide, REACH OUT. your life matters so much, even when you can’t realize that. everything feels miserable and like no one would care- but suicide breaks the people around you. it gets rid of a whole life full of happiness and opportunities.

i’m a stranger on the internet, but i will sit with anyone who needs it and support you the best i can.

call the suicide hotline at 988, or if you’re LGBT youth looking for a counselor who will understand struggles of being queer, contact the trevor protect through text or call at 1-866-488-7386. you can also use trevorchat if you don’t want your number given away.

stay safe. if it feels like no one loves you, I LOVE YOU. have hope. it will get better.

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Violet!!! I've missed you! How have you been doing??

How's school??

I hope everything is going well!!🤎

-🦥🌻

and don't forget to take care of yourself!!

omg hi i've missed you too!!! i'm surprised you still remember me ive been away or barely active for so long 🥺

school is... school lol i've gotten behind so i'm trying to just catch up. but ive been reading a lot more recently (i just finished bunny by mona awad and all i have to say is hahahaha what the fuck. 😀. and now i'm reading halloween party from christie agatha, frankenstein, and annie on my mind) since i get in phases of reading then not reading anything at all for a couple months lol and that has for some reason given me a new motivation for school shit so i'm working my way through! i apologize for the ramble skdjs

don't forget to take care of yourself too! and i'm not very active and don't really often check my asks if ever, i just saw this in my notifs and saw the emojis and got excited skdjs so if you feel comfortable feel free to message me and we can talk more! since i'm generally pretty inactive on here especially when it comes to asks but would love to talk! same goes for anybody else too!! hope that you've been doing okay anon <3 take care of yourself please!

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All You Touch and All You See, Is All Your Life Will Ever Be

Yelena Belove x reader (platonic or romantic, not specified)

Summary: Being freed from chemical subjugation with Yelena and on the run leads to the little memories granted as a widow being resurfaced

Note: this one is very personal to me. as some of you may know i've been struggling recently with memory loss and memory issues. music has helped me cope. and going back to music from my childhood has brought me comfort. i learned the lyrics to songs in my free time growing up, and i still remember them. singing to myself and listening to that music has been my comfort, it makes me feel in control knowing i still remember them. and i still remember a lot of memories associated with those songs. it's comforting knowing i still have some memories of my childhood, and if i keep these same songs maybe i can remember the present too. the song used ('brain damage') is from a band that i had grown up with thanks to my dad and brother. and even now, pink floyd brings me the most memories and comfort.

whoever catches all the references will get a smooch

.oOo.

As my head tilts back to rest on the car seat and we are finally met with a moment to rest, I am left to dwell on what has just happened. In the span of less than hour, we were freed from chemical subjugation, and on the run from Dreykov and his widows.

I'm not even sure where we are going, but I trust Yelena, who's behind the wheel of a stolen car. All that I do know is that we have far left any cities and people, the only thing being visible is vast darkness from the night sky and what seems like endless empty roads.

Neither of us have spoken more than the cautionary's or instructions to each other that were necessary while making our escape. Both of us just stuck processing everything in silence.

My brain is overwhelmed, while at the same time completely blank. It feels like I'm stuck in a trance. So much so, that I don't even notice the rustling noise of the center console or glove box being rummaged through, and the noises of the CD being inserted and the tracks being skipped.

But all it takes is 4 seconds of noise blaring through the car speakers to break me out. But it's different than just being snapped out of it. This was a physical reaction, as the beginning of the song made something click in my brain. My heart jerked and my eyes shot open.

A smile - albeit a somber and slightly confused one - forms slowly over the next 12 seconds as recognition floods my mind. My gaze turns to look at Yelena as my head is still rest back on the the seat. Yelena only smiles and turns it up louder. I close my eyes, still smiling, the only sound heard being the music that my brain automatically knows so well even if I consciously don't.

Though we didn't have much, and don't remember much from being under chemical subjugation, for me and Yelena music was one of the only things we did have. When we were out on missions we listened to it as much as we could, and we remembered. Music is powerful like that, it slots itself in your brain and memories even when you don't think there's any room for it.

We both quietly start singing, just like we always did when we could. After a minute or so, Yelena rolled the windows down. We were driving down completely empty roads, speeding so fast that the wind knocked me back at first when the window was down. She turned the sound up, blasting it over the sound of the harsh wind and air rushing by.

As the chorus comes up, we both look at each other, smiling with a look in our eyes that can't be explained but can be felt by the other. Before we knew it, we were yelling with the song- the type of yell where your voice is hoarse and your throat feels numb from the vibrations. Because we never got this freedom before, and being overcome with the emotions of having something we remember.

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon

And if there is no room upon the hill

And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

Making eye contact at the last line, both of us having wet eyes with tears dripping down our cheeks. The saying we always said to each other when we were ever separated. "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon."

Neither of us commented or really cared about the rapidly falling tears and even the occasional sobs coming from each other. We understood. We were free. And this is the moment that it sunk in. Neither of us had felt like this in years. We hadn't felt emotions this heavy, hadn't felt this free. We hadn't remembered this much. Now in the span of only an hour, we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. Running before time took our dreams away. And all we can do is cry as the emotions of that settle in.

We made it. And even if the darkness of our not so long ago pasts will always linger, and we might even be eclipsed by it- right now we have the present. And silently the both of us ingrained this memory in our heads. When you have nothing else to remember, you learn to associate. If this song is all we remember, then this memory is all we have along with that.

.oOo.

also just small infodump, and hopefully to give insight into the significance of the song ('brain damage' by pink floyd) for those who don't know. the reason the word 'lunatic' is used, is because people used to believe that mental illnesses could be caused by the moon. it comes from the word 'luna' meaning moon. the dark side of the moon (the album name as well), is a metaphor for darkness. "All that's to come and everything under the sun is in tune, but the sun is eclipsed by the moon." the sun represents that there are positive human experiences, there is enjoyment in life. but there will always be the dark side of the moon. and it's often inevitable, and depending what it represents to you, it is inevitable. i cant get more in depth bc when i tell you it will be long and this isn't even all of it like there's multiple other meanings and everything- but i just wanted to give insight into the significance of the song

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ON COMING INFODUMP 🚨 i got back into record collecting, i used to do it with my aunt all the time when i was younger and i finally got a new record player, and i'm genuinely so excited! i forgot how much i loved collecting and it's nice doing it on my own

yesterday i went to 3 different thrift/antique stores vinyl hunting, spent almost 4 hours (look sifting through all of the vinyls takes forever) and i'm happy with what i found!

and the 'introducing the beatles one'? i got it for only $5 and it has no warps, barely any scuffs. every single other beatles vinyl was listed for over $20 and that was at the cheapest, i saw one that was $60. it doesn't have a cover (which is okay with me, i don't mind if this one has a cover or not), so i don't think while putting them out they realized it was the beatles because there were tons of open vinyls, they're not going to read through all of them. i found it in the very back and it didn't have a price on it soooo the lady only asked for $5😎 and so i looked up the catalog number, and i could full well just be an idiot and looking at the wrong thing. but turns out it's a pretty rare one some worth up to $400. i'm not selling it, i want it for myself and also they aren't worth much without the cover. but still i cant believe i got that for only $5

tbh never heard of the blue 45 but it was only $2 and it has flowers in the name so i got it solely for that reason. and the genesis one i didn't rlly recognize i can only remember like one maybe two songs from them tbh but was only $3 so eh why not

then today this one thrift store was selling records for ridiculously cheap. i got the alice in wonderland set (which was literally only 97 cents for the ENTIRE set. 4 vinyls in it!!) that book was my favorite growing up and even if i don't ever use it i couldn't pass it up. then i found cabaret, one of my favorite soundtracks and i have in fact been listening on repeat since i got home. i'm used to the film version so the original version is really cool!! then i got the beatles one at walmart, yes i know i just got a beatles one but it's a different album and tbh i rlly just wanted eleanor rigby 😭

so this weekend was very successful!!! yes i only have about 57 cents left in my bank account but it's worth it

now i'm on the hunt for pink floyd. i do not have $50 for each album. but i have wanted the wall and the dark side of the moon for the longest fucking time praying that i can find them they're all i want *inserts meme of spongebob fish banging desperately on the floor*

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BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER (2022) dir. Ryan Coogler | Official Teaser

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it's been a while, so here's what's been going on in my life

my memory issues have gotten like concerningly bad recently, to the point that i have no memory of entire days. could even be the same day, at night i'll sit and try to reflect on my day but i have barely any memory of it. or i will have some memories, but i have no timeline to put them onto. i have no idea when it happened. it feels like the only things i remember anymore are songs, and if i go to places that aren't my usual places

music is kind of the only thing that gives me comfort anymore, because it's one thing that i can remember. and i've gone back to music from my childhood, so more classic rock, especially pink floyd (though i'm not sure they're considered classic rock? not the point tho) when i was younger i would learn the lyrics, despite some of their songs being well over 7 minutes. oh and also especially the song american pie, my brother and i learned it together, the entire 8 minute song, and i still remember the entirety of it. and remembering the lyrics to those songs gives me comfort. i can still remember them, singing them to myself makes me feel in control. and it's comforting knowing i still have some memories of my childhood, and if i keep these same songs maybe i can remember now too

i'm seeing my psychiatrist soon about it because it's becoming pretty scary. i've been trying to get out of the house more, take more pictures and notes, talk to more people, go to places i don't usually go to so hopefully it will make me more likely remember the day. i don't know i'm just exhausted and it feels like i'm losing everything

i also apologize for the lack of writing.. i mean as you can see i'm not even exactly in the mental place to do that at the moment. but i am very sorry i hope you all understand <3

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i hate it here i really do. 116. the high is 116

i mean last summer it got up to 118 so i shouldn't be shocked but i still hate it 🥲

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meltdowns suck but meltdowns while mitski is playing makes them slightly more bearable. life hack

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no weighted blanket will ever be heavy enough unless it is physically crushing my ribs and lungs. then it might finally be enough

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good morning to the second rock purslane that just bloomed this morning ☀️

also i know some of the buds have died, i need to cut them off but i'm waiting a little longer for a couple just for be sure that they're dead before getting rid of them :)